Jill Monaco | Christian Speaker, Author, Life Coach: Recent Episodes
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I was on a podcast recently, and they asked me how I healed from Church hurt. I replied, “I was also healed from church hurt by the body of Christ.”
In other abusive situations like domestic abuse, people can’t stay, expect to change someone, and hope to find healing in that place. That isn’t safe. And like the Church hurt, I didn’t get healed by the same people in the same circumstance. I was healed by the love of Christ displayed by the body of Christ in other communities.
Church HurtI’ve written extensively about the Signs of Spiritual Abuse and Healing From Church Hurt. If you resonate with this content, I want to discuss why we should still love and be a part of the Church. I want the focus of all my content to be healing and finding freedom in Christ. I’ve learned we can’t do that apart from His body (believe me, I tried.)
If you don’t know my story, here are the unfortunate highlights. I was abused by a Catholic priest as a child. After I got saved in my 30s, I was on the staff of a church, and the Sr. Pastor invited me into an affair (I said no and reported it to the elders). While on the staff of a mega-church, I experienced manipulation, control, and inappropriate physical touch.
So I get it.
And I didn’t give up. I made my best friends in the local Church. I saw the power of community. There was no place I’d rather be. Which is why I’m passionate about sharing these painful stories too...So you know you are not alone and help you heal. Plus, there are wonderful pastors, Churches, and communities who will not do these things.
I feel like the ugly side of Church has gotten a lot of attention the last few years. I’ve contributed to it. I’m not apologizing for it. I know my heart has been to warn people of wolves and to help people heal. I’ve received so many messages saying it has done just that. Praise the Lord!
Consider this: What if we are to address our concerns about what we see and experience as an expression of love to the Church? That is my heart. I don’t think exposure, for exposure’s sake, is the heart of God.
We are to love one another so well that we don’t let anyone fall to the enemy’s schemes. We see the gold in them and the calling on their lives. I remember crying out to God for the leaders who were hurting me to repent, not for my sake, but for their sake. So they wouldn’t be disqualified but rather restored for God’s glory.
Long story short, after trying a few churches, I realized I had C-PTSD (Church PTSD, not Complex PTSD). At first, I would feel like a bundle of nerves entering the building. I liked the fact that no one knew me and I could fly under the radar. I think that had a place for a season and God used it to minister to me. Eventually, as I walked through this season with trusted friends, I found it to be a place of refreshing once again and I look forward to seeing familiar faces and having conversations about how wonderful Jesus is. I want that for you, too.
Being a leader in a ministry, I probably had an easier time staying connected to the community than most. I am a part of two different masterminds with leaders (pastors, missionaries, ministry leaders, etc.) worldwide. Between them, we meet three times a month for accountability, encouragement, and prayer. I had to choose to be vulnerable and share where I was struggling to trust leaders again.
It also meant:
- Trusting people who held the same title or role.
- Taking a chance of being perceived as not healthy enough to serve as a leader because of my struggles, pain, or questions.
- Believing the process was good and God would make gold from my experience.
- Resolving that I would stay connected because it was worth it.
- Remembering I still had things to offer the Church.
- Allowing myself to be accountable and open to new perspectives.
- Observing myself and letting God reveal where more work needed to be done. And then do that work, whether spiritual, emotional, or mental.
It meant not giving up on the CHURCH that Jesus loves.
My Encouragement to YouI recognize that for many people, their whole spiritual community is connected to the Church. So, choosing to move away can be heartbreaking and life-changing. I’ve heard some terrible experiences, and I can see why some people don’t want anything to do with “organized religion.” If that is you, I’m so sorry. I’m sad they hurt you and for all the continued pain you have endured. You are seen by a loving God who will not waste anything you’ve gone through.
You may be in one of these two camps:
1) While you’re going through your healing process, it doesn’t help to hear that God will use this to give you wisdom and help others. Right now you are in pain and want that Christian community but may be afraid of engaging again. It’s hard to reconcile, “I want to go back but I’m afraid” and “I don’t want to go back but I miss ____ (worship, small group, friends, etc.)” I hope it helps to know there are people in the Church who are trustworthy and will love you in the midst of your pain. Find those who you can stay connected to — even if just two people. They are the key to your healing. I promise you it’s worth the risk.
2) For some of you, you’ve stepped away from community and feel like it’s okay. I’d like to suggest you ask God if there is anything He has for you that you can’t access outside of the body of Christ. He may have blessings for you that you are missing by remaining numb and disconnected. He will show you. Maybe community isn’t a building for now but staying connected in other ways. I have several friends who have found home churches to be a safe haven for them.
So why do I still love the “Church?” Because Jesus does. If I want to carry His heart I need to let Him heal mine so I can receive His.
I’ve experienced healing in my heart because of those faithful saints who far outnumber the wolves in sheep clothing. They remind me that Jesus’ plan for us is good and we need each other. I’ve seen the body rally around someone who needed care during a health crisis or someone who needed help with finances. I’ve also seen the little things like a random text saying God put you on my heart and I wanted to tell you I love you. I think the body of Christ loves so well.
One day, you’ll find yourself looking at the pain in the rearview mirror. The only thing you see is a beautiful road filled with others like you who are seeking the heart of Jesus.
Prophetic Dreams for the Church in March 2024.
I usually don't post my dreams because God is usually speaking to me about me. But now, I feel as if I'm supposed to release these to the body of Christ as a rare corporate prophetic word.
If prophetic words are new to you please know that I'm not saying these are “thus sayth the Lord.” In my humanity, I do the best I can to share what I sense, feel, hear, and see. As you read the dreams and the prayerful interpretation, let the Lord reveal if any of this is for you or not. I've learned that sometimes it doesn't make sense right away but I keep it on my “spiritual bookshelf” because it may not resonate until later.
Since I've been saved, I've had a gift for dreams, words of knowledge, discernment, and prophesy. I've spent a lot of time studying, being trained, and seeking God for wisdom as I serve Him through these gifts. I don't share much on my ministry website about these things because I don't want to alienate those who have not been brought up with the understanding of the prophetic or have been manipulated and abused by spiritual leaders. So before I share my dream, let me share a few scriptures for your further study.
I Cor 12:7-11 says, “Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good.To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit,to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues. All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines.”
I Cor 14:3-4 says, “But the one who prophesies speaks to people for their strengthening, encouraging and comfort. Anyone who speaks in a tongue edifies themselves, but the one who prophesies edifies the church.”
Dream #1: March 11, 2024
I was hosting a party at my house and took a moment to go outside to talk with someone. We looked up into the night sky and saw a large commercial plane take off at the same angle as a tree branch. It stood out to me as interesting because it was so clear and exact. It flew up into the sky to my left and leveled off. Then, it started to nosedive. It crashed into the front yard of a home (down the street and around the corner), bounced back up, and then crashed again and burst into flames. The family who lived there ran outside to see it, screaming, “Call 911.” I asked the lady I was with to call because I didn't have my phone on me. Nothing else got caught up in the flames. For a moment, I thought I needed to tell my guests to evacuate in case the fire spread. And all I wanted to get was my Bible. I started to pray for the passengers and then I realized there was no hope to survive. In a moment, I then also knew there were no people on board the plane. The pilot was the only person on board and he was also the owner … andy yet not represented by a single person. (Dreams are hard to explain when they have non-literal imagery and it's just a sense.)
As I was spending time in prayer about other things, I sensed God interjecting, “You're wondering about your dream last night.” He began to unpack the elements of the dream. In the end, He said, “You'll understand when you see it.”
- The plane taking off in line with a branch represents a branch of the Church.
- The plane had the capacity to carry a lot of people.
- There wasn't one man flying the plane so this is a movement that will crash and burn.
- The body of Christ needs to be aware and mentally prepared for the crash. What is to come will hit close to home for many people but they won't personally be burned.
- People will panic, want to call 911, and some will feel helpless to do anything because they are not equipped. But we can't call 911 for help on this. This is a consequence that cannot be changed.
- The plane will hit once and seem to bounce up but it will crash soon after and burn.
- This crash and burn is necessary and all that is important to focus on is God's Word.
Dream #2: March 20, 2024
People had come to a dinner to learn more about how to volunteer for the ministry I run. I was greeting people as they came in. Some were well known and others were new to this kind of meeting. They were happy and excited to be there. They each took their seats at the long table. I was standing at the head of the table. As I began to share the history of the ministry and the ways we help people, the guests began to talking and networking among themselves. I tried to quiet them down and gently ask for their attention again. It would last a few sentences and then they would ignore me again and focus on networking. I was very gentle in my approach to ask them to listen. But after several attempts I told them I was going to leave and enjoy the food. They knew they had ignored the host and looked shocked but continued on with their own agenda. They didn't seem bothered by the host (me) leaving. Only one lady sitting next to me seemed to have been paying attention and grieved this outcome. I left the room but I stayed close by for see if even one had a change of heart. I wasn’t angry but sad. I sat on some stairs nearby. Someone was with me and we were both waiting to see if anyone would come out looking for me. They didn't. Later, I went back to the room to see if they would stop talking when I came back but they did not.
Here is the interpretation:
- I believe this explains the heart of Jesus… and He is grieving.
- Jesus has invited certain people to sit at His table and learn about His work. He has hand chosen people and the invitation is an honor. They are already people of influence in their own right with many gifts and talents.
- Jesus is humbly inviting us to listen but He won't demand our attention. He will try a few times … but if he's being ignored he will respect our free will, be gracious, and leave us.
- Some people come to ministry work with an agenda to build their own kingdom but using the Kingdom of Heaven as a front in order to be at the right tables. Their motivation is to network with one another and not listen to Jesus.
- Jesus will stay close by to see if anyone wants to serve and will try again to see if we've noticed His absence and want to listen.
- Jesus may have set the table but isn’t present in some meetings anymore. My final thoughts: As I write these dreams out I'm recalling how Joseph had warning dreams. God loves His people so much that He will go through great lengths to reveal what is to come and how to prepare. My prayer is that we'd all seek God to find out what He is saying to us. Is it a word of personal correction for us? Or is it so we will be mentally and emotionally prepared for the downfall in the Church that is to come?My sense is that the body of Christ will be shaken but not destroyed. And it's a good thing.May we all humbly submit the Lord Jesus and strengthen ourselves in the Lord. He is calling us to be His beautiful bride. And we want to be ready.
I never hit publish on this blog post from 2019: Stories of Abuse From Within the Church. I forgot about it until I saw it in my drafts today.
I think at the time, I was hesitant to share it because I had a lot of questions. What will it stir up? What problems will it cause? Do I have the capacity for the haters? Do I really want to open up my story of church trauma and spiritual abuse to the world? It's hard to imagine now why I tolerated such things. (Short answer – I was single, and I worried about finding another job because I saw how others were blacklisted.)
I am stronger now. The priest who abused me as a child has been held accountable. (The case closed in late 2022.) I've had a lot of therapy for that and other abuse from leaders in the Church. And God has been teaching me about the deeper reasons why I stayed in abusive situations in the past and healing my heart. There is no more shame or fear in sharing my story anymore.
So it's time to hit that button …. Publish.
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When you've been a part of an organization that leads many people to Christ, you can't imagine there'd be a dark side.
I don't know about you, but I've been shocked at the stories in the news from the Southern Baptist Convention, Willow Creek, Harvest Bible Chapel, and Sovereign Grace Ministries. Each one includes abuse – spiritual, physical, emotional, and psychological.
Ever since I published my blog about Detoxing After Working at Harvest, I've received emails, phone calls, and messages on social media from leaders or staff members from some of the church plants. Stories of being forced out, manipulated, lied about, bullied, controlled and shamed. At an event called Healing From Church Hurt, I heard some similar stories—the same patterns. Every one of them shares some common abuses. My heart breaks as they recount the stories … because it's not just one thing that happened to them … multiple times, they tried to have conversations, understand, or reconcile.
I thought what I went through was unique to me. It wasn't.
A few weeks ago, I decided to read my old journals. I'd forgotten so much. Looking back, I can see things now that I couldn't see at the time. And it's scary.
I often asked God to help me be a better servant. I prayed for strength to work the long hours without complaint. Over time, I started to lose my confidence and joy. I started to journal about struggling with my prayer life. The more time went by, the worse I got. I was so tired … all the time … And I thought I was the problem.
I will share some details of my story for a few reasons. Maybe you're in a situation and wonder if you're making too much of it or are crazy. Maybe you're a bystander and don't understand why the person you love is wrestling so much. I hope the things I experienced bring understanding and healing to those still suffering.
I worked for the Harvest Bible Fellowship in the early days. My boss was the Executive Director. It started normally. It was a joy to serve in church planting. Slowly, more and more rules were set as you'll read below.
Part of me believes these examples could be seen as “normal crappy boss” events or “bad leadership.” Everyone has had some sort of bad experience and we learn how to cope or find a new job. But as you read this, please remember I was a new believer and had wanted to honor God. I was made to believe as a Christian I needed to submit to my boss. One thing may be a bad day but they were constant. I ended up having a life where I was controlled in every area and didn't have any time to do anything outside of the church/job, no autonomy nor privacy.
Some of My Story* I couldn't go to the bathroom without leaving a sticky note on my desk where I was. * I had to take lunch at the same time as my boss. If I wanted to go with friends, I had to ask permission. * I couldn't eat in the church lunchroom or drive between campuses with an unmarried man. (I was unmarried too.) * I couldn't have snacks at my desk because people would socialize with me (and I needed to work). * I couldn't go home for dinner between work and rehearsal for leading worship for women's Bible study because, “You need to work around my schedule. This is not a 9-5 job.” * I had to answer my phone at night or on weekends 24/7, and if I didn't answer, I was reprimanded. * I couldn't leave at night until I was excused. If he was in a meeting, I had to wait … even if there wasn't work to do. One time, I left for a hairdresser appointment at 7 pm, and I received an angry phone call explaining to me again how I had to work around his schedule. * I was told I couldn't date another unmarried pastor on staff. I was questioned about our relationship and grilled about physical details. Then we were forbidden from talking to each other because we had kissed. We were threatened with losing our jobs if we did. It was spread around the church staff as if I had done something wrong by dating (and kissing) this pastor. He told me that because the pastor was younger than me, it would never work out. That when I was in my 50s, he'd no longer be attracted to me. * I would be blocked into my desk as he stood behind me with an arm on either side and his chest pushed up against my back. * He would grab my arm, pinch my cheek, and say, “How you doing good girl?” And sometimes kiss my forehead. One time, after he did it again, I punched him in the arm. I promptly went to HR to “turn myself in.” I was told there was nothing they could do about him. If they had to choose, they'd fire me and keep him. * If I wanted a day off for personal reasons, I had to explain what that reason was. (A little embarrassing when it was the gynecologist.) * When I had cupping on my back from my chiropractor, he pulled out the back of my shirt and looked inside, without asking, and in front of another pastor. * I had to go in on the weekend and be late for a family function because he forgot to turn on his out-of-office reply, and I had to go do it. * I had to miss a training seminar that I paid for on a weekend because he decided he needed me to work. * I was told this job wasn't the kind that allowed me to lead worship on the weekends anymore, so I had to stop serving. * Everyone had the week off between Christmas and New Year, but I had to be in the office. Literally, no one was there, and there wasn't any work to do. So I read a book. * When I pushed back on things like the above, I was threatened with being fired, “Maybe this isn't the right job for you.” * I was told I couldn't look for another role at the Church without him “releasing me.” When someone asked me if I wanted a position, I followed instructions and told them to ask my boss. He accused me of looking for a job behind his back. And then proceeded to tell me that it was time for me to “transition out.” As soon as a replacement was found, I would be without a job. Then, I was told that if I found a job, I needed to give 4 months' notice. (I gave three weeks.) * He wanted to help me find a new job and make the decision of which one to take … so I was to run all opportunities by him. (I didn't.) * He wanted to pray for me every week after I left. (I declined) * After I left, he called to ask me if I had told Todd Dugard (Sr. Pastor at Harvest Barrie and HBF Board member) about some of the things I saw while working for him. He said if he had found out when I was there, I would've been fired for disloyalty. And Todd, as well.
Other pastors called him a “slave driver.” I know a few of them talked to him about how he was treating me. They often said he treated me like a second wife.
I actually found the other pastors very supportive. I hoped if they talked to him, he would see it and change. I thought this was an isolated case of control by one man. But since leaving, I've been contacted by many people who suggest this type of control was rampant at Harvest, especially for the women. And it was taught to the church planters that this was how you lead. It has caused unbelievable damage to the body of Christ.
This is NOT OKAY. This is NOT NORMAL. Of course. Most of us who read this will agree. But I'm sure there are many other women right now who are enduring the same things (or worse) and need someone to say it.
Let's identify what some of this was – sexual harassment and assault. And I had no idea. I thought I wasn't a very submissive employee.
I have so much compassion for that younger version of me. When your entire world revolves around one community (work, social, spiritual), you are brainwashed into thinking you have to make it work because the cost is too high to leave.
Stories of Abuse From Within The ChurchThere is a systemic problem in the Church today. One that allows harassment, control, and abuse because too many leaders remain silent. In my case, I believe many good leaders spoke up about the things they saw him do to me. They addressed my boss many times. They told me what they had said to him and validated it wasn't okay. He would get better for a while and in front of those who had eyes to see. But the best leaders didn't stay at Harvest, so they didn't know it continued or couldn't help.
It's time for the truth to come out. It's time for those who have the strength to speak up for those who are still confused, broken, or scared. It's not gossip or slander when we are identifying abusers and incidents of abuse.
Victims need someone to help them do what they cannot do for themselves. Then, continue to stand up for them when it gets worse because they shared the truth. There will be consequences for all parties, but I believe the Lord will protect the righteous. As the body of Christ, we must prepare our hearts for the shock that is to come from stories of pastors and movements we have admired and learned from over the years. We must decide today that we will believe the victims and do something to support them.
I will be a voice for the voiceless as the Lord leads. I pray He gives us all the strength, grace, compassion, and wisdom in these days. God is revealing more and more because He loves His children and the Church. Whatever He reveals, He heals.
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Read More
- 25 Signs of Spiritual Abuse
- Detoxing From Harvest Bible Chapel
- Healing From Church Hurt
- I Was Abused By A Priest
Monday I asked God if He would show me something new for you. And was drawn once again to receiving from Him — for me — and not for teaching. Abide. That is my main motivation in this season. I asked God to show me more of Himself. Lately, that's my whole prayer. Yes, I care about how I can serve others but I just want to know God more intimately.
Then today, I received something for myself that I sensed I should send you as well.
I was reading I Corinthians 13. It's tempting to read quickly or gloss over a chapter I'm familiar with. Have you ever meditated on this verse?
“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. I Cor 13:12
Look at the verse again — specifically, look for the “now” and “then” words:
NOW we see in a mirror dimly
NOW I know in part
THEN face to face
THEN I shall know fully
God began to show me that right now I only see things dimly. When we see ourselves through that lens it's like looking at a photo of ourselves. It isn't the same as seeing someone in person. But one day we will find ourselves face to face with almighty God and see ourselves as He sees us.
In the same way, we only know things in part. We don't know the whole story of what God has done, is doing, or will do. But when He returns we will know everything! Just like God knows everything about us. To be fully known isn't just facts but it's about being seen and understood.
What a glorious hope we have in Jesus!
I look forward to the day that I can look in God's eyes and see the perfect reflection of who I am in Christ. Not see me as others see me. Not see my imperfections like in a mirror.
I look forward to the day I know and have clarity. Not to be confused because I don't understand what the trial is about or the reason for a delay in my prayer.
Jill, God sees you and your circumstances so differently than you do. And He is inviting you to see and know like HIM!
We need to remember what we are going through right now and how we see our circumstances (or ourselves) is most likely wrong. God knows we are limited and isn't disappointed in us. However, we do have the opportunity to meet with Him and ask to see as He does. We can meet with Him face to face. We can ask to have a revelation and know His heart fully. The fullness comes in eternity but we can ask for more right now!
I feel like there is a special grace upon our lives in this season to receive from Him. Like God really, really, really wants to show you what is on His heart. He wants to show you how He has always fully known who you are. That truth brings comfort, confidence, and clarity.
Let's pray:
Lord, I am so grateful you know me even better than I know myself. I accept the invitation to boldly enter into your gates with thanksgiving and your courts with praise.
I thank you for loving me and seeing me through the sacrifice of Jesus. As a perfect bride, you celebrate me and know me full well. You know my innermost being. You chose me before the creation of the world. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You made a way for me to enter your presence. You bless me with spiritual blessings. You gave me the gift of your Holy Spirit to lead and guide me.
I ask Lord, that you show me how you see me. Tell me what you love about me. Reveal how you've protected me. How are you providing for me right now? Who do you want to be for me today? What mysteries in the Spirit do you want to disclose? If I were to look into your eyes what would I see? What do I not know about you? How do you want to reveal yourself to me today? Give me more of you, God.
I know there are some things I won't see or know until You return … but your word (James 1:5) says you give wisdom generously to all who ask. So I ask you now Lord … give me the wisdom to know who You are and who I am in You.
I want to meet with you face to face as you did with Moses in Exodus 33:11. I want to be pure in heart so I may see you as Jesus said in Matthew 5:8. I want to be in Your presence and experience your love in greater ways today.
In Jesus' name, amen.
Much love,
Jill
When I first started Jill Monaco Ministries, I didn't know I'd create Freedom Coaching or The Freedom Coach Model. I did receive a full download from the Lord about the impact we would make. In my excitement, and as we usually do, I underestimated the time God would release the provision for the vision.
In order to serve the Lord well and those who He so graciously trusted me with, I became certified and credentialed with the International Coach Federation (ICF). At the time of this writing, I will be applying for the highest level of honor and the credential as a Master Certified Coach in a few months. That means I've coached over 2500 hours and completed over 200 hours of ongoing training over the years.
But what is the difference between Freedom Coaching and The Freedom Coach Model?
Freedom CoachingFreedom Coaching helps people encounter the presence of God and find freedom in Christ with one-on-one coaching. I coach people who want breakthrough in their relationships, business, career path, life transitions, spiritual life, and health. I find clients come to me because they are stuck in an area, and as life has it, other areas need addressing too. This is the beauty of Christian life coaching. We are body, soul, and spirit, and as such, we cannot isolate one area without it impacting the other areas. Within Freedom Coaching, I often use the tools of The Freedom Coach Model®.
The Freedom Coach ModelThe Freedom Coach Model emerged as a specific set of tools that were facilitated within a coaching session. They are activations I learned in part by other inner healing ministries but with a flare of traditional coaching. I found those who wanted inner healing couldn't maintain it and always needed more ministry. Those with just traditional coaching received some level of breakthrough too but without connecting with God it felt like “trying harder” and without the power of the Holy Spirit. But by blending the best of both worlds, clients started having faster breakthrough and lasting results. This coaching model was so successful in helping my clients achieve freedom that they asked me if I could write down what I did with them. So, I wrote the book, The Freedom Coach Model so they could go through the activations again on their own. I've received countless testimonies from counselors, pastors, inner healing ministers (like Sozo), and coaches about how this is exactly what they needed.
CLICK TO MEET WITH ME FOR COACHING
For years I've had clients, coaches, counselors, inner healing ministers, and pastors ask me if I'd train them using my method of Freedom Coaching and The Freedom Coach Model. I never sensed His favor upon it. But this year, in 2023, I got a green light!
The Freedom Certification™The Freedom Certification™ will start in 2024! I will be training those who want to learn how to coach with the Freedom Coach Model. They will have access to the freedom tools that are compliant with ICF Core Competencies. Plus, they will get all the things they need to market, onboard, and facilitate Freedom Sessions with clients. This is where Christian coaches will gain the confidence that their clients will get an incredible breakthrough. Either by incorporating the Freedom Coach Model into their current coaching practice or by offering a Signature Program to their clients. The Freedom Certification Training Program equips coaches to use their gifts and skills in a way that empowers their clients to see measurable results. All in partnership with the Lord.
CLICK TO LEARN MORE ABOUT CERTIFICATION
At Jill Monaco Ministries, we understand how people feel powerless to overcome their emotional, spiritual, and psychological battles. They are looking for someone to walk with them and show them it doesn't have to be this way. I struggled for years to find the breakthrough promised by God in his Word. As I pursued God's presence, He showed me the way to inner healing, joy, and freedom. I'd love to help you too.
If I can serve you in any way, please reach out to me. I'd love to coach you with Freedom Coaching or The Freedom Coach Model. Or train you in the Freedom Certification.
“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” Phil 4:12
Story time about how God showed me I was setting myself up to be spiritually starving and living in continuous spiritual hunger.
Spiritually NiaveMy mom said as a baby, I would sing myself to sleep. In High School, I was in choir, musicals and sang the national anthem at the football games. I majored in musical theatre in college. Twenty years later, I was still living the dream by touring the country and acting in commercials. I loved performing and never imagined doing anything else.
After I came to Christ, I became a worship leader and loved serving the Lord with my gifts. Seeing people come to know and love God through music brought me so much joy.
I was all in when I was offered a role with a mission agency to start a new department that combined my love for music and scripture! I partnered with Christian artists by sharing the need for Bible translation at their concerts. It combined my favorite things in life — music, the Bible, and traveling!
I hadn't worked in corporate America before, so some of the politics of reaching quotas and goals conflicted with me. I loved Jesus and wanted indigenous people worldwide to have the opportunity to know him too. Yet, fundraising started to feel like an unspiritual hustle.
The Christian music industry surprisingly didn't care for helping people as much as I expected. In addition, I was growing disillusioned as I was required to work longer hours. I had a hectic schedule with lots of travel, including flights, rushing to the next venue, late nights, little sleep, and limited days off. After three years, I knew it wasn't sustainable physically, and I felt spiritually empty.
Spiritual HungerAs I was praying one day, I sensed the prompting of the Holy Spirit to fast and pray. Fasting wasn't something I truly understood, but I knew the Bible talked about how men and women of the faith did this before making big decisions when they needed wisdom.
Did I hear God right? Surely he understood that fasting wasn't something I could do in this season of my life. I was already sacrificing what seemed like the most worldly comforts for the Gospel. Running this department required me to die to myself daily. Wasn't that enough?
Have you ever ignored the Holy Spirit for so long that you started to believe you made up that prompting in your head? The idea felt inspired the first, second, and third times it came to mind. But you wanted to pray about it more, to be sure. Then, after days or weeks, it didn't seem weighty anymore. Just a fleeting thought quickly dismissed. Life goes on.
Then when you've moved on, someone you trust speaks into your life quickly yet unexpectedly.
I arrived in Nantucket for a much-needed vacation. I was burned out and exhausted mentally, physically, and spiritually. Finally, my best friend picked me up and welcomed me with open arms. I couldn't wait to escape all the demands and soak in the sunshine, shops, and shoreline.
As we grabbed my bags, she said, “Jill, I feel like the Lord wants you to fast for 40 days.”
The walls I put up around my heart fell in an instant. I sensed how I'd been grieving the Holy Spirit for weeks. “I know you're right, I replied.”
In the past, I had hated every second of a church-wide Daniel fast. I barely made it through a three-day fast. There wasn't a good time to go through the headache, tiredness, or detox phase. I couldn't imagine going without food for 40 days. Yet, the confirmation from my friend gave me the courage to say yes to the Lord.
Spiritual StrengthOn day 35 of my water and juice only fast, I landed in the next city, quickly got my rental car, and rushed to the venue. I desperately needed some nutrition. I prayed to find a place to get something to drink. The road out to the country was long and rural. The hum of the road started to irritate me. I began to get “hangry.”
In my frustration, I complained, “God, how can I do the things you've called me to do without food to sustain me?”
Before I even finished my thought, I heard in my heart, “Jill, what you're experiencing in your body is what you've been experiencing spiritually, but you haven't been able to discern it.”
I knew God was speaking, and he was right. I'd been living in a way that put an unsustainable demand on myself. I was physically hungry and felt unable to keep going without nutrition. In the same way, I was spiritually starving and not getting what I needed from the Lord. I had been trying to do the Lord's work with my talents, gifts, drive, and determination. But, unfortunately, I wasn't working from a place of the Holy Spirit's fullness and overflow.
Somehow the hum of the road turned into music to my ears. Finally, I had a full hour to enjoy God's presence and talk to him without distractions. For the next hour, I noticed the beauty of the winding roads, the canopy of trees, and peace in my soul.
I understood 2 Corinthians 12:9 in a whole new way. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
I was so grateful that God sustained me physically through those 40 days. I know I couldn't have done it without his power. I learned how to press into him with praise when I was in lack and appreciate him more when I had plenty. He never called me to do things without His presence. The most loving thing He could do was show me that I need him more when life is full and the pressure is on.
That weekend in church, the worship time was so sweet. The weight of God's presence was so heavy that I felt my knees buckle, and I had to hold myself up by clinging to the chair in front of me. This time it wasn't hunger that made me weak but His presence that reminded me of His strength.
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