I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship: Recent Episodes
Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services (DASAS)
A podcast about surviving domestic and sexual violence. Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services explore the hope in what can seem like a hopeless situation. Our goal with “I’m Not in an Abusive Relationship” is to bring you stories of hope to inspire, and conversations with experts to offer insight and advice. The inspiration for the show and the name of the podcast came from a survivor. In her story, she referenced the fact that she didn’t see herself in an abusive relationship. She didn’t think it was “that bad.” Our hope is that anyone in that situation can hear their story in these episodes, find hope and find help. Hosted by Claudia Pahls and Dan Moyle.
If you need any resources, please visit the website. www.dasasmi.org or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.
Carol White, Doctor of Nursing Practice and abuse survivor, shares her mother's legacy of surviving her own abuse through publishing her mother's poetry.
'My mother was a survivor of domestic violence who, after 23 years of marriage, was able to escape her husband. She filed charges against him and carried those through to trial. But writing poetry was her lifeline. While she was alive, my mother did not have the confidence or money to bring her work to publication outside of entering poetry contests, where she won nearly 200 awards in 15 states. Though my mother passed away in 2005, three years ago I started the process of bringing her work to publication. There are a total of 10 books set for release over the next couple years, starting with Stoic Resilience: Poems of Suffering and Freeing Oneself from Abuse.'
Find more information on Carol's website White Publishing.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
The COVID-19 pandemic that began in March of 2020 is now in its third year. While it seems we're in an improving environment, it's still something we're all dealing with. How has the pandemic affected DASAS's services over the last couple years? What are we looking to in the future? This DASAS panel explores these questions in this episode.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Silas Caste, single father of 2 boys and the author of Interrupted Dreams, joins Dan on this episode to share hi survivor story and his journey to becoming an author. His fictional thriller is based on the true events of his own story of domestic abuse and would-be murder. He says he wanted to write this book as a way to highlight attention to males who endure the consequences of domestic violence – and to offer hope and assurance that there is a way forward.
Website: https://www.bulletheadbooks.com About: https://www.bulletheadbooks.com/about ———————————
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
What is intimate partner violence? Is intimate partner violence the same as domestic violence? What are the differences?
The term intimate partner violence describes physical, sexual, or psychological harm by a current or former partner or spouse. DASAS therapist Elizabeth Alderson explains where the current term intimate partner violence stems from and how it compares to the standard term domestic violence.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Christina Vitagliano is an author, entrepreneur, and the founder of the successful Family entertainment concept, Monster Mini Golf. She's also a survivor of childhood abuse. In this episode, Christina shares her story of overcoming an abusive childhood to build a multi-million dollar business.
Having spent decades working on her memoir Every 9 Minutes, Christina hopes to share her story and touch listeners' hearts with her account of childhood abuse, empowering survivors to reclaim their lives and learn to thrive despite their trauma.
Christina's links:
Every 9 Minutes: A Memoir Christina on LinkedIn Christina on Twitter
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
The holidays can be tough for anyone. They're especially difficult for victims and survivors of abuse. Oftentimes they're immersed in family where their abuser lives. Or perhaps the question of, "Where is that nice person you were dating last year?" brings up all the emotions of surviving abuse. Whatever the case, Elizabeth Alderson, therapist at DASAS, offers insights into surviving the holidays as a survivor.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Assistant Prosecutor St Joe County Debbie Davis joins Claudia Pahls on this episode to discuss how the Court is helping victims of violence.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Host Dan Moyle met Amy Malin while conducting a business podcast interview. When she mentioned that she was a survivor of abuse, and how that was one factor in why she gave to others, Dan knew her story would resonate on I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship.
For over two decades, social entrepreneur Amy Malin "has worked at the intersection of Hollywood and philanthropy with her cause agency Trueheart where she connected celebrities and purpose-driven brands to team up for great causes." (source)
In this episode, Amy shares her survivor story along with a story of hope & healing.
Links:
- TrueHeart
- Amy on LinkedIn
- TrueHeart Search Engine
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Hear Danielle’s survivor story and how she now helps others who face what she faced as a victim.
- Domestic Harmony Shelter - Hillsdale, MI
- Read Danielle's story by Tine University
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Margo Pierce, Drop-In Center Facilitator at the OutCenter of Southwest Michigan, joins Dan Moyle in this conversation to close out Pride Month 2021. Margo is trained in Youth Mental Health First Aid, CRM, and recently Healthy Relationships (with a focus on the LGBTQ+ community). She and Dan talk about issues facing the LGBTQ+ Community including intimate partner violence, domestic abuse and more.
- OutCenter of Southwest Michigan
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Domestic abuse and sexual violence is often seen through a lens of cisgender, heterosexual relationships. It's an easy stereotype to fall back on. Unfortunately, abuse occurs across all relationship types, regardless of sexual or gender identity. J. Kyon, Community Impact Lead at the Kalamazoo YWCA, joins Dan Moyle on this episode to talk about the intersections of marginalized community members of the LGBTQIA+ Community as they face abuse while also facing societal judgements.
Kalamazoo YWCA
Why Pronouns Matter
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Lois Hollis, RN, BSN, REV. is a shame guilt educator, counselor, filmmaker. In this episode, Lois shifts our opinion on the taboo subject, shame and guilt.
As a trailblazer, she helped create one of the first Kidney Hemodialysis Units in the USA in 1966. Today Lois establishes shame guilt as an independent study. Her 50 years’ experience in health, 15 years’ researching, and counseling brings NEW knowledge of these misunderstood conditions to release us from shame guilt blaming. Lois’ first film, "Out of Discord Into Harmony," was released in 2008. Her new film "I'm Good" makes shame guilt visible.
Links for Lois:
- Website
- YouTube
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Pamela Riley, Executive Director of the St. Joseph County Commission on Aging, joins Dan Moyle to discuss Elder Abuse Awareness Month. In this episode, learn what elder abuse looks like, how you can keep an eye on your aging neighbors, the warning signs and more.
Links:
- St. Joseph County Commission on Aging website
- Find an enrichment center near you
- St. Joseph County Commission on Aging on Facebook
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
A quick programming note: I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship will take a brief hiatus for the month of May. We will return in June with new episodes. Thank you for listening.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Healthy relationships look different for everyone. And sometimes, an unhealthy relationship isn't the fault of just one person. Looking for the red flags can be hard work. That's the idea behind Dean Anderson's book Was That a Red Flag?
Dean shares his story of how he wrote the book and how he's helping people dealing with their relationships, find warning signs, and make better decisions.
Links:
- Was That a Red Flag?
- Information on Dean
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
National Child Abuse Prevention Month recognizes the importance of families and communities working together to strengthen families to prevent child abuse and neglect. (National Child Abuse Awareness Month resource) Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services (DASAS) has child advocates to help prevent child abuse, to help children facing abuse and to offer services for families. On this episode, Claudia and a DASAS panel cover what child advocates do for the community.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Renee Abrams and Katey McPherson of Bark, a technology to help parents and caregivers proactively monitor text messages, social media and more for their children's safety, join Dan on this episode to talk about keeping our kids safe from sexual assault online.
From red flags to technology to help, this conversation covers a lot as we continue our Sexual Assault Awareness Month coverage.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- Bark
- Protect Young Eyes
- Talking About Sex (website)
- Peggy Orenstein (books)
- Common Sense Media
- Building Boys (website)
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
During Sexual Assault Awareness Month, we are helping parents and caretakers talk to their children about sexual assault. It's not easy to approach the subject without scaring (and scarring) them. But it's also not good to ignore the possibilities. On this episode, a panel of DASAS team members tackle the question "I'm afraid of scaring my children by talking to them about sexual abuse, but I'm also afraid not to talk to them about it. What should I do?"
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
In this episode, DASAS Executive Director Krista DeBoer shares information about a presentation she gave the DASAS Board of Directors on media coverage— news and entertainment media— on sexual assault, harassment, abuse and rape.
Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) is a campaign each April to raise public awareness about sexual assault and educate communities and individuals on how to prevent sexual violence. The goal is to bring as many organizations together to highlight sexual violence as a public health, human rights and social justice issue and reinforce the need for prevention efforts. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center provides the annual theme, slogan, resources and materials for the national SAAM campaign. (paraphrased from Wikipedia)
Links:
- Sexual Assault Awareness Month
- Moxie
- Sexual Violence in the Media: An Exploration of Traditional Print Media Reporting in the United States, 2014–2017
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Nicole Railsback - Co-Owner and Operator of Railsback Indoor Sports Expo - The RISE in Southwest Michigan, shares her story of abuse, escape, a return to the person who abused her, ultimately escaping and the damage her return caused... coupled with forgiveness, love and survival.
- The RISE
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Bill Furr, President of the Board of Directors at DASAS and chair of the facilities committee, joins Dan on this episode to discuss how listeners can help support Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services (DASAS).
From giving money to donating supplies to our emergency shelter, you can help us support survivors in many ways.
- DASAS Wish List
- Donate to DASAS
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
After two years and 100 episodes, some of the people behind I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship gather to discuss where we started, what expectations we had and where are now.
As of this release, our little podcast produced in Southwest Michigan for our 3 counties we support has been downloaded (or streamed) nearly 80,000 times. We average 792 downloads/plays per episode (the industry average is 140 per episode). We reach every state in the U.S. plus another 103 countries. Our goal to spread hope and help is working.
Listen in as Dan Moyle welcomes Claudia Pahls (host), Ned Haylett (former President), Rose Ludwick (former Executive Director), Krista DeBoer (Executive Director) and Deborah Hackworth (Director of Advocacy Services) to discuss what it takes to launch and maintain a podcast for a nonprofit.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Survivors of sexual abuse (and domestic violence) span genders, sex, orientation and other identifiers. In other words, yes, men are victims, too. In this episode, you'll hear from a licensed counselor who helps men find hope and healing. Papillion 'Poppy' DeBoer is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor who, among other clients, specializes in helping male survivors navigate their healing.
Poppy uses evidence-based techniques and methods, drawing primarily from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and Compassion Focused Therapy.
Resources:
- Sexual Victimization Perpetrated by Women: Federal Data Reveal Surprising Prevalence
- The Body Keeps the Score
- My Body Belongs to Me (for kids)
- A Practical Guide to Complex PTSD
- Am I Broken (Poppy's podcast)
- Agency of Change (Poppy's website)
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Laura Kopacz is a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE Nurse) at ProMedica Coldwater Regional Hospital Branch County Sexual Assault Services. On this episode, Laura explores the question, "Is most violence against women committed by strangers?" Laura also explains what survivors of sexual abuse can expect when working with medical professionals trained in working with victims/survivors.
Important note: victims of sexual assault do not pay for this service. There is no cost to you as a survivor for help.
Links:
- Branch County Sexual Assault Services
- Read about Laura
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Michigan’s problem-solving courts have been extraordinarily successful in solving problems and saving lives, thanks in large part to Dr. Barbara Howes. These innovative courts reach 97 percent of our state’s population and help to make communities statewide safer and stronger. Also called treatment courts, they are successful because participants can access treatment and other support needed to address underlying issues affecting persons entering the criminal justice and abuse neglect court systems, specifically, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, mental illness, and untreated trauma.
Unlike traditional courts, problem-solving courts are not adversarial and take a team approach that brings community stakeholders together to reach a “win-win” outcome that prevents further offenses and saves local governments the cost of incarceration. The Cass County Courts have been on the forefront of the problem-solving/treatment court movement and have obtained numerous federal and state grants to provide much-needed services to our Cass County community.
Cass County’s full continuum of problem-solving courts focuses on providing evidence-based responses that work to improve outcomes, restore families, and make our communities safer.
Links:
- Specialty court coordinators share success of program
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Valentine's Day: The day "we" celebrate couples. But love isn't always pink hearts, roses and candy. Couple's counseling can help when things aren't right. But what about when you're in an abusive relationship? Can couple's counseling help?
Listen to this conversation with DASAS therapist Elizabeth Alderson on why couple's counseling can actually be a problem if the relationship is abusive.
Resources:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: Should I Go To Couples Therapy With My Abusive Partner?
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Hope for Justice exists to bring an end to modern slavery by preventing exploitation, rescuing victims, restoring lives and reforming society. On this episode, Richard Shoeberl, US Investigations Team Leader, joins Dan to explore the mission to prevent, rescue, restore and reform in the face of the global epidemic of slavery and human trafficking.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
The Kalamazoo Area Anti-Human Trafficking Coalition was formed in 2012. The group is a community member organization that comes together to raise awareness and advocate for services in the Kalamazoo area. They're a recognized regional task force under the Michigan Human Trafficking Task Force.
Founder Sara Morley-LaCroix joins Dan Moyle in this second installment of our special series on National Slavery and Human Trafficking Prevention Month to discuss this local effort to bring awareness and prevention to an epidemic affecting so many.
Links:
- Kalamazoo Area Anti-Human Trafficking Coalition
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
This is the first in a 3-part special series for National Slavery and Human Trafficking Prevention Month. We kick off our series with Keeping Our Kids Safe on Social with Bark Technology and Titania Jordan.
Titania Jordan is the CMO and Chief Parent Officer of Bark.us, an internet safety solution that helps parents and schools keep children safer across social media, text messaging, and email. In this episode, we hear what parents can do to help monitor their children's safety and help to protect them from predators using the internet to groom them for abuse.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- Bark Technologies
- Children Rescue Coalition
- Titania's book Parenting in a Tech World: A handbook for raising kids in the digital age
- Bark's Stone Fish short documentary
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
In many states, Friend of the Court has a negative reputation. They're seen as a faceless organization with no compassion. In Cass County Michigan, the Director and Deputy, and the rest of the staff, make it their mission to serve and empower families to make children's lives better.
In this episode, Dan and Krista are joined by Friend of the Court Cass County Director Carol Bealor and Deputy Friend of the Court Cass County Sarah Mathews to open the conversation about how FOC helps families. Learn what resources are available, how FOC helps those in abusive relationships and hear how the humans behind the scenes care about their community.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Historically, shelters for victims of abuse were limited to 30 days. However, most of the time when a survivor is transitioning from an abusive home into their own home, it takes longer to make all of the necessary changes. At DASAS, while we work to keep our clients' stays as temporary as possible so they can find their own paths (survivor-led recovery is vital to our mission), we are no longer limited to 30 days. Our DASAS panel discusses the history of the 30-day shelter and what recovery looks like today.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
In this episode, we unpack how the holidays can impact abuse with DASAS therapist Elizabeth Alderson.
Resources:
- Domestic Violence and the Holidays: A Survivor’s Guide
- The Myth of Holiday Domestic Violence
- FAQ: Does domestic violence increase during the holidays?
- Pass the potatoes — and stop talking down to your wife. What to do if you spot signs of domestic abuse at your family’s holiday gathering.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Maryssa Presbitero, child advocate at DASAS, helps answer the question "How can I tell if my parents are abusive?"
Child abuse is more than physical violence or neglect. It can come in many other forms like narcissism, trying to turn the child against a parent, making the child responsible for the parent's emotional well-being and more.
Resources used in this conversation:
- Healthline
- 11 signs you have an emotionally abusive mother
- 15 signs you have an emotionally abusive parent
- How you can tell if you have emotionally abusive parents
- Melissa's WMU article A Behavioral Analysis of Intimate Partner Violence Victims
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
This follow up to "How Does Domestic Violence Affect the Brain?" brings DASAS therapist Elizabeth Alderson back to explore whether domestic violence, and all abuse, can be a cause of depression.
Research shows that victims of domestic violence or abuse are at a significantly higher risk of experiencing a range of mental health conditions including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and thoughts of suicide.
The likelihood of developing depression was 2.7 times greater, anxiety four times greater, and drug and alcohol misuse six times greater.
The likelihood of having suicidal thoughts was 3.5 times greater for women who had experienced domestic violence than those who hadn’t.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.
How does domestic violence affect the brain? What kind of damage does abuse have on one of our most important organs? And how can we recover?
DASAS therapist and licensed social worker Elizabeth Alderson talks with host Claudia Pahls about the effects of domestic abuse on our brains.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Newton Matos escaped a truly harrowing past - a drug-addicted mother, gang life, homelessness and a criminal record all before he turned eighteen. He joined the Navy to escape and start a new life, but the stress of combat added to his lifelong traumas. He cracked. Suicidal and suffering from the worst case of PTSD diagnosed by Navy and civilian doctors, Newton began therapy and his life began to change.
His memoir, Deep Down: Delivered From a Dark Past is his personal account of his healing and ultimate victory over an unimaginable past. It's a testament to the power of survival.
Newton shares his story on this episode of I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
What do you do when there's an abusive person in your family? How do you deal with toxic family members?
In this episode, Director of Advocacy Services Deborah Hackworth joins Dan Moyle to talk about how to deal with family members who show abusive behavior or who exhibit toxic behavior.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
On this episode, Laura Owens, co-host of the #8 ranked All-Time Bestselling Entrepreneurship show on Apple Podcast Nobody Told Me!, joins Dan to share her survivor story.
"Ironically, Nobody Told Me! was created at the darkest time of my life," Laura says. "I was desperate to hear inspirational stories from other people."
Laura asked to share her story with you, our listeners, to help break the stigma about this public health crisis that plagues every corner of our society and does not discriminate.
"I want to share the power of random acts of kindness, because it was the random act of kindness from a stranger that was the catalyst for my leaving the abusive relationship I was in. What that kind stranger did for me, I want to do for others. I also want to remind women to check in on their friends, even if they look like they're living the perfect life on instagram. When I was at my all time low, you would never have been able to tell. Maybe taking small steps, like simply supporting each other is the key."
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
For the last decade, Alisa Divine has supported women in feeling empowered. She founded The More Than Beautiful Project™, mentors women, and wrote #SheWins: Harrowing Stories From Women Who Survived Domestic Abuse.
Her book captures and shares the irrepressible spirit of survivors, through portraiture and stories. She is also the co-author of Killing Kate and Vice President of a publishing company, Personal Power Press, providing a platform for individuals to publish their stories, turn their pain into power and obstacles in opportunities, and inspire others.
Alisa joins Dan to discuss her journey, her writing and her mission to empower women.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
September Burton is a survivor who believed her story to be unique. She believed, "It must be my fault that I was being abused and that if only I were better, smarter, skinnier, quieter, wealthier..." She believed if she could live up to a certain standard then he would stop abusing her and they could be happy together.
She told us that because of podcasts like ours and books that brave women have written out that she eventually came to realize that her story is not unique and that there are people suffering who need to hear from those of who have been there and who have survived, healed, and overcome.
Part of September's healing journey is sharing her story; a story of severe emotional and psychological abuse, as well as physical abuse by “the nicest guy you’ll ever meet." In her story she shares that her abuser is an attorney and stalked her in a way where the law couldn’t touch him. He took everything: her children, home, cars, career and her world because "I saw behind the mask he wears."
September went on a healing journey and rebuilt her life. Now she speaks to empower.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Many survivors look back on an abusive relationship, domestic and sexual abuse alike, and ask some variation of "Am I crazy? Was I really abused?"
This can come up because the abusive person may call their reality and their sanity into question. It may come up because their abuse doesn't look like what they thought abuse would look like, or wasn't as "severe" as someone else's journey.
This question comes for many reasons. If you've asked this, then this episode is for you.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
At domestic violence vigils across the country, we remember those who did not survive their fight for life. These are the names of the victims of domestic violence in southwest Michigan for the 2019 Domestic Violence Awareness vigils.
The names included on this list are those of women, children, and men who died starting in 1971 through this year. The women, children, and men listed all died because of the determination and desperation of one individual to maintain power and control over another. Please help us remember those whose lives were taken and to emphasize the need for continued efforts to stop domestic and sexual violence.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Whether you're a person of faith or not, going through abuse often brings up the question, "Where was God when I was being abused?" It's a big question and one the staff and volunteers at DASAS have heard over the years. In this episode, Claudia conducts a panel with Krista DeBoer, Elizabeth Alderson and Ellen Higgins.
While DASAS is not a faith-based organization and we turn no one away because of their beliefs, many of us in the organization bring some kind of faith to our work. This question hits us all deeply and in different ways. We hope this vulnerable conversation helps you confront those questions and those feelings.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
What is spiritual abuse? Spiritual abuse (or religious abuse) is abuse administered under the guise of faith or religion. This can include harassment or humiliation, which may result in psychological trauma. Spiritual abuse may also include misuse of religion for selfish, secular, or ideological ends such as the abuse of a clerical position. It is weaponizing faith to exercise power and control over another person, usually from a position of power or leadership.
Tracey is a survivor of spiritual abuse. On this episode she shares her story, red flags to look out for and her story on her escape from abuse, her healing and even forgiveness for those who subjected her to this spiritual abuse.
Spiritual abuse is not limited to a certain religion or denomination. Any person, of any belief system, is capable of perpetrating spiritual abuse, just as anyone can be the victim of it. Signs of spiritual abuse between intimate partners include when an abusive partner:
- ridicules or insults the other person’s religious or spiritual beliefs
- prevents the other partner from practicing their religious or spiritual beliefs
- uses their partner’s religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or shame them
- forces the children to be raised in a faith that the other partner has not agreed to
- uses religious texts or beliefs to minimize or rationalize abusive behaviors (such as physical, financial, emotional or sexual abuse/marital rape)
Spiritual abuse is no less harmful or difficult to endure than any other kind of abuse, as a person’s spiritual life is deeply personal. However, it can be very difficult to identify, as many victims may not recognize they are being abused. In addition, the abusive partner may claim that any challenge to the abuse is an assault on their own religious freedom. Regardless of either partner’s religious or spiritual beliefs, abuse of any kind is never acceptable or justified.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Attorney Elizabeth McCree, of Benton Harbor, Michigan, fiercely defends children in the court system. She fights for their rights in many areas, including abuse cases. She joins Dan to talk about what it means to be a guardian ad litem, how we can help and much more.
Read the Benton-Michiana Spirit article here that inspired the discussion.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Detective Kevin McNeil is a twenty-year veteran who spent twelve years of his career investigating child abuse cases. He also happens to be a survivor of sexual abuse.
In this episode Kevin shares his survivor story, his career in the Special Victims Unit and his other work. Kevin also created The Twelve Project to be the bridge between the lack of knowledge and awareness about abuse and people’s desire to learn. He provides resources with the aim of healing and teaching individuals, families, and communities. The Twelve Project is a safe place where people can learn about abuse 24/7.
- Kevin on Instagram
- Kevin on Amazon
- The 12 Project
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell made headlines with accusations of sex trafficking. They're accused of providing high-profile people, including world leaders, with access to young women and children in their teens.
Epstein died in jail, while Maxwell is still in custody. This brought about a discussion with the podcast panel including Krista DeBoer, Elizabeth Alderson, Claudia Pahls and Dan Moyle.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
A survivor of abuse, Tiauna has turned tragedy into triumph. She's a successful coach, she's finding continuous healing and she's exploring new challenges. Recently she took a songwriting class. The end assignment was to write a song. So she did, performing it on Facebook for the world to hear.
"Rewind" tells the story of her abusive relationship and hits the heart. Listen to her conversation with Dan about the healing power of music and more, plus catch the full song at the end of the episode.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
In this episode DASAS Sexual Assault Therapist Krista DeBoer unpacks the documentary Athlete A. Krista was also a gymnast for several years.
Athlete A is a 2020 American documentary film directed by Bonni Cohen and Jon Shenk. The documentary follows a team of investigative journalists from The Indianapolis Star as they broke the story of doctor Larry Nassar assaulting young female gymnasts. It was released on June 24, 2020, by Netflix.
For a look at the larger subject of sexual abuse in sports, including red flags for parents to watch out for, listen to our previous episodes where we tackle this difficult subject:
- Sexual Abuse in Sports Part 1
- Sexual Abuse in Sports Part 2
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Krista DeBoer, Sexual Assault Therapist at DASAS, and Dani Filipek, Sexual Assault Advocate at DASAS join Dan Moyle to revisit sexual assault in sports. On this follow up to our previous episode "Sexual Abuse in Sports," Dani and Krista talk through red flags parents should look for, like the culture of the team which the coaches and other adults set, plus the players and their actions/attitudes, and other warning signs.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
In this episode, former guest Michele (a survivor and the inspiration behind the podcast) shares a project she did in college where four women share their survivor experiences in a narrative story.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
An adverse childhood experience (ACE) describes a traumatic experience in a person’s life occurring before the age of 18 that the person remembers as an adult.
This year, a request was made to address the issue of COVID-19 and Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). As serious as these issues are, it appeared at first to be an easy assignment. But maybe not. Jennifer Nottingham and Richard Murdock published an article for the Michigan ACE Initiative exploring the effects of the pandemic on children. On this episode she joins Dan to talk about ACEs, children facing the pandemic and the resilience of those kids.
Read the article here
The CDC-Kaiser ACE Study
Stay Well Michigan
MPHI
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
In this episode Dan Moyle talks with Deborah Hackworth (Interim Executive Director), McKenna Bowdish (Walk committee Chair) and Ned Haylett (past President and Walk supporter) about the changes coming to this year's Walk a Mile event for DASAS.
Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services will host a 3-week virtual fundraiser in place of its regularly-scheduled in-person “Walk a Mile” event for 2020. Due to the coronavirus and Covid-19 pandemic, DASAS has turned the Three Rivers event into a virtual challenge where participants take part wherever they are.
“While our excitement for our upcoming event is high, we know we have a commitment to our community's health and safety,” Interim Executive Director Deborah Hackworth says. “In an effort to avoid bringing large groups together, we have decided to create this virtual challenge. The goal is to reach a total of 700+ miles together, walking or running, to represent the 700+ survivors who received help from our DASAS Programs in 2019. We know that as supporters walk with our clients on their hearts and minds, the money will come. We have such a generous network.”
Also new this year is the name of the event. For several years DASAS hosted the “Walk a Mile in Her Shoes” event. While the walk has always been successful, DASAS leadership recognized that the event has not been truly inclusive of all individuals, nor called attention to all victims. For example, one out of every seven men is physically abused in intimate partner relationships, and one in six individuals is sexually assaulted as a child. Yet, in the past, our Walk a Mile event has focused solely on women as victims.
In addition, DASAS was concerned that men wearing heels in such a playful manner may be insensitive to individuals with nontraditional gender identity or sexual orientation. In order to host an event that is inclusive of all gender identities and sexual orientations, DASAS made a few changes to the event for 2020.
This event is open to everyone— people of all genders and ages— making this a fully inclusive and family event. Rather than meeting in person, DASAS asks you to wear shoes symbolizing a person whom you know who was or is being abused or assaulted, or the shoes of a group of victims about which you particularly want to raise awareness. In this way, we can also honor male victims and child victims (perhaps by tying children’s shoes around your neck for the walk).
Here’s how you can take part. We encourage individuals to challenge their friends and family to take the Walk-A-Mile Challenge. This can be completed at any time between August 1 thru Saturday, August 22 at 11:59 p.m. Participants can complete their walk/run at any time between August 1 and Saturday, August 22 at 11:59 p.m., all you have to do is:
● Register online https://dasasmi.networkforgood.com/events/22075-700-walk-a-mile-challenge
● Take a photo or video of yourself walking or running a mile (or more!)
● Post the photo or video on Facebook- use hashtag #DASASWalkaMile, tag DASAS, or email info@dasasmi.org so DASAS can feature you! Include how many miles you walked/run to help DASAS meet their goal of 700+ miles
● If you pledge to walk 3 miles or more, DASAS will mail you a Walk a Mile in Their Shoes t-shirt!
Proceeds will support the Survivors and DASAS Programs.
Businesses can contact McKenna at 269-273-6977 for sponsorship information.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Since our launch, WBET in Sturgis, Michigan has been home to our recordings. They have generously donated the studio time, the equipment and the expertise when needed to record I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship for you, our listener.
On this special episode, WBET personality Mike Stiles interviews our producers Deborah Hackworth and Dan Moyle about the progress, where it all started and what's next.
Thank you to Mike for inviting us onto the morning show and for allowing us to use the conversation in our episodes.
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Madison Carter turned her survivor story of emotional, psychological and physical abuse into a novel full of insight and hope. On this episode, Madison joins Dan to talk about the book and her journey from victim to survivor.
"All Grace ever wanted was the normal things in life: a happy marriage, a big house, and a loving family. She never imagined her life would turn out so differently.
The submissive Christian life she was asked to live left her totally dominated, oppressed, and depressed by her aggressive, controlling, and manipulative husband. She and her children were systematically crushed, and their will to thrive was snuffed out at every turn. She had no idea how to handle the insults and abuse from her husband or the isolation from her family. She never thought she’d lose her faith in God or plunge into such depths of despair.
This powerful, heart-wrenching, true story of living every day with an abuser will educate readers on the serious nature of abuse, and it will show how Grace received healing and restoration after going through years of emotional abuse. It was only through God that she was able to find the strength to stand up for herself. Don’t miss out on this gripping narrative which is for anyone who has experienced emotional pain and is familiar with feelings of sadness, and who wants to find peace, joy and freedom."
Buy Stop Making Me Cry here
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If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Victims in an abusive relationship oftentimes feel hopeless.
They're hopeless that they can get out of the relationship. They're hopeless that they'll ever find love again.
"Can I find love after domestic violence?"
But hope is not lost. Elizabeth Aldreson, therapist at DASAS, explores the hope that comes with healthy relationships after domestic violence.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
The inspiration for I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship was incoming board member Dan Moyle's experience at the Walk a Mile event in Three Rivers. He heard a survivor tell her story, which brought unexpected emotions and inspiration. It also brought the phrase "But I told myself 'I'm not in an abusive relationship'" to Dan.
The phrase clearly became out show title. Her inspiration and vulnerability inspired the idea of sharing other survivor stories. And her need to understand abuse when she didn't recognize it inspired our mission to bring experts to listeners around the world.
You will hear that survivor story today from Michele herself.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Marginalized is defined as "a person, group, or concept treated as insignificant or peripheral." This means anyone who is defined outside of the "social norms." Oftentimes marginalized people face greater challenges in everything from income and jobs to health to incidents of abuse.
The groups include the LGBTQ+ community, Black community, LatinX, communities where English is not their primary language and others.
In today's episode, Deborah Hackworth (interim Executive Director) and Elizabeth Alderson (DASAS therapist) tackle the issues facing these groups, and how DASAS works to serve its marginalized communities.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Dr. Sheena Howard recently published a novel, Nina’s Whisper, that untangles the psychology of abuse. However, the book is rare and unique because it tackles same-sex domestic abuse. Even though female-to-female abuse is largely ignored, the Human Rights Campaign estimates that 44% of lesbians experience domestic abuse. In addition, the CDC estimates that domestic abuse in LGBTQ relationships have higher rates than that of heterosexuals couples. Through her platform, Dr. Howard aims to challenge our notion of who can be a victim and challenge the script that abuse is only male to female.
Sheena shared her own personal story as well as the significance of her book, Nina’s Whisper with Dan on this episode. Her hope: To not only bring awareness to listeners but also inspire you to triumph over the trauma of abuse.
Dr. Howard has been featured on/in major media outlets such as BBC World, ABC, PBS, NPR, NBC, L.A. Times, The Washington Post, The Breakfast Club and more.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
In episode 60, Rita shared her survivor story—her stepfather sexually abused her for years. In her story, Rita mentioned that "There were periods where I wanted my stepfather to love me and I was always trying to say, 'I'm an okay kid, you can love me. See? I'll be nice to you.'"
What is it that draws a victim to their abuser? Why do they sometimes want to still gain their approval? Krista DeBoer explains trauma bonding in this episode.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Rita's parents divorced when she was young. The man her mom married began to sexually abuse her at around age 8.
"I loved my stepfather. He was kind and I was glad to live with my mom."
The first occurrence Rita remembers her stepdad beginning to molest her was at 8 years old when he called her into the house after he got home from work. He told her he needed to get her cleaned up, so he was going to help her bathe. This turned into fondling her, which began a several-year cycle of abuse.
"There were periods where I wanted my stepfather to love me and I was always trying to say, 'I'm an okay kid, you can love me. See? I'll be nice to you.'"
Hear Rita's story of how abuse at night would feel unreal the next day, how she would try to reconcile her love for her stepdad with his abuse and how she eventually broke the cycle.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Domestic violence intervention programs exist to help abusers. In many states they're called Intimate Partner Abuse Education Programs (IPAEP). These education programs are for people who abuse their intimate partners. Your intimate partner is the person you decided you want to be close with, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your husband or wife, the love of your life, your soulmate. These programs are also called "batterer intervention."
Battering Intervention Services Coalition of Michigan
On this episode, Claudia welcomes Interim Executive Director of DASAS Deborah Hackworth and DASAS therapist Elizabeth Alderson as they discuss BISC-MI and other programs taking aim at those who use violence against their intimate partners.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
The sad, frightening reality is that domestic violence can lead to deadly consequences. Every year organizations like DASAS hold vigils to remember victims. The scariest time for many victims of domestic abuse is when they decide to leave. In this episode, Claudia talks with Deborah Hackworth and Elizabeth Alderson about the reality of lethality in domestic violence, including tips for victims.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
What happens when domestic violence continues after divorce? Sometimes when a victim leaves the relationship, the abuser tries to exercise their power and control - continuing the abuse - because they feel this person "belongs" to them. You may experience this when children are involved after a divorce and parenting time switches come into play. The abuser may exercise their control during these parenting time change-overs.
Interim Executive Director Deborah Hackworth and DASAS therapist Elizabeth Alderson unpack how abuse can and does continue and what survivors can do to continue to heal and find hope.
Tips to stay safe:
- Conduct parenting time change over times with others or at a third-party location like a police station
- Always have a safety plan
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
In this episode, producer Dan Moyle interviews Steven Wolhandler, author of How to Protect Yourself from Emotional Predators.
Steven knows how abusive and manipulative people prey on the emotions of good people - and how good people can protect themselves. He offers a radically different view of these Emotional Predators and provides practical effective solutions. For Emotional Predators, he says, "Life is a strategy game to dominate and control, and you are either a player to be defeated or a game piece to be used. Without empathy or remorse, they’ll ruin your life, and traditional approaches will make things worse."
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
The benefits to therapy are many. In this episode, DASAS therapists Krista DeBoer, Elizabeth Alderson and child advocate Toriann Lawrence unpack how therapy helps sexual assault and domestic violence survivors.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
We've explored the dark world of human trafficking in a previous episode. Now we're helping connect how human trafficking and domestic violence intersect. Rita O'Brien, working on a Master's Degree in social work & intern at DASAS and Elizabeth Alderson, therapist at DASAS uncover how these worlds connect.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Sports help young people develop life skills, have amazing experiences and stay healthy. Unfortunately, it's also a place where abuse happens. What do you do when sexual abuse happens in your child's world of their favorite sport? What about as an adult? And what can you look for as warning signs?
Krista DeBoer, Sexual Assault Therapist at DASAS, and Dani Filipek, Sexual Assault Advocate at DASAS join Claudia Pahls to tackle this difficult subject.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
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One year. 52 episodes. Nearly 30,000 downloads. 50 states + 61 countries. It's been quite a journey. Join host Claudia Pahls, Producers Dan Moyle and Deborah Hackworth and DASAS guest Krista DeBoer for a retrospective on the first year of I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
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Sexual Assault Awareness Month 2020 begins with a Survivor Story. Hannah submitted her story to Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services and approved a reading of the story. Producer Dan Moyle reads the account. Interim Executive Director (who is also our Director of Advocacy Services) Deborah Hackworth and Sexual Assault Therapist Krista DeBoer discuss the story to help us find hope and insight.
Hannah's Story:
Did he always intend to go that far? Why me? Was I an easy target? Is it my fault? These questions no longer haunt me, but they still exist.
I was a 13 year old girl in seventh grade just trying to survive mean girls, figuring out my body, and thinking about boys. The usual 13 year old girl stuff. I remember feeling innocent amongst my friends. They all had siblings a few years older so they were all well versed in things 13 year olds should not be talking about. But there I was an insider yet still somehow an outsider. Seventh grade was going as normal as seventh grade could go until my friends cousin started to take notice of me. I was 13 and he was 19. He was a senior in high school and talked to his cousin at least once a week at school. I was with her the last time they had spoken in the halls and from that point on he acknowledged me.
It started with a quick hello or a wink as I walked by. I was 13 and a boy was being kind to me, I was flattered. He started to come into my classroom as the teacher’s assistant. His behavior became more flirtatious, he started hugging me and touching my arm or back if we walked by one another. I thought nothing of it other then I cannot believe this cute older guy is being so sweet to me.
I remember sitting in class when one of the guys in the 8 th grade came in. He walked right up to me and said, “I was just with BLANK and he said if you were older he would totally F you.” I honestly did not know what to say at that point. I was no longer flattered but my best friend was standing right next to me and bumped my side and smiled at me like I should be excited. It made me feel uncomfortable but I didn’t feel like I could say anything. I did think it was weird that he would say that and at that point I had never had sex; I had never done anything. I just moved on from that particular statement and pretended it did not happen plus what was anyone going to do about him saying it?
Things continued on. He continued to come into our gym time after lunch, taking pictures with me, flirting in the halls and so on. The end of the school year was nearing and he was getting ready to graduate. It was my friends birthday and she was having a party at her house. I figured he would be there just because of the family relation and because I might go. I knew my mom would never let me go because this particular friend had zero supervision at her house but I had planned to sneak out. I was honestly sick about the thought of doing that. I was not thinking about the consequences and I truly did not want to but I thought I was missing out on something.
The night came to my friend’s birthday party and of course my mom said no. My friend and I communicated to when and how he could come pick me up for the party. I put my pink princess robe over my clothes and waited until my parents were asleep. I heard him honk as he went by and I knew it was time to sneak out. I got out of the house easily and quickly. Again, I was literally sick. I threw up 3 times that night just because I was so nervous. We got to the party successfully and all I could do was sit there and act as though I was enjoying myself. The party was a party. I found out after getting there not only was this my friend’s birthday but it was also HIS birthday. Why he would want to spend his birthday with a bunch of 13 yr olds is beyond me, well it was until later. Most of our friends left and it was just me, him, and his cousin (my friend). We ended up leaving to go to his friend’s house for a little then coming back. She fell asleep on the couch and I was watching t.v. on the other couch. I could not sleep. I just wanted to go home; I knew I screwed up coming to the party.
He came from the hallway and gestured me to follow him. I was scared and nervous but I got up and followed him into my friend’s bedroom. I honestly did not know what was going to happen. I was 13. Fight, flight, or freeze. I froze. I cried. I did not move. I stared at the ceiling, unable to react to anything. Half way through the rape, tears streaming down my face, he said, “Are you okay?” ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! I KNOW YOU CAN FEEL MY SHAKING BODY AND HEAR ME CRYING, YOU KNOW I AM NOT OKAY!!!! I don’t remember making it back to the couch but I did somehow. I fell asleep and woke up to my parents screaming at me because I had never come home and they figured out I had snuck out to my friend’s. I was grounded forever and they questioned him about why he would ever pick up a 13 yr old girl. They never called the police though. At the time I was glad but now I wish they would have.
After I returned to school everyone knew what happened and then I heard that he had told everyone we had sex. HE TOLD EVERYONE WE HAD SEX. CONSENSUAL SEX. It ruined my reputation. I was called every name in the book and everyone looked at me differently from that moment on.
For the next 7 years. Yes 7 years, I was suicidal, depressed, anxiety ridden, and I went from being a virgin to sleeping around. My ability to say no was taken away from me. I lost my voice. I started letting people walk all over me and using me. I was so angry and I could not express why. I became mean. I entered into a teen dating violence relationship that left me with a broken rib and heart thus creating in me more unhealthy habits. I had the most distorted view of what love was. I had no idea who I was and I didn’t know how to fix anything.
I did find healing, grace, forgiveness, and my voice. My healing started with forgiveness. I forgave him and all those that perpetuated his consensual sex story and I forgave myself. I know that my healing had to start with forgiveness. At some point I had to stop being what happened to me and blaming others for my choices. I had to let it all go so God could piece me back together and help me find my voice in a healthy way. I am still healing and I always will be but it is part of the process. What happened will never un-happen but it does not have to run my life.
I also forgave my parents. A part of me always blamed them because I thought they knew what happened but when I finally told my mom and dad at age 27 I realized through their brokenness that they truly had no idea. I had been holding resentment toward them for 14 years and I was freed from that 7 years after I started my healing process. As I stated before healing is a process.
Something I have to point out in all of this is the grooming. He groomed me from the moment he saw me to the night that it happened. He knew what he was doing and what the outcome would be for him. I used to blame myself for sneaking out that night and I questioned whether or not if he really knew what he had done. He did, he just did not care and it was not my fault. Also, I knew something was not right from the beginning but I ignored it. Even at 13 I knew it was wrong, trust that feeling when you get it. You are most likely right.
Again, please remember that healing is always possible, there is someone out there that cares deeply for you and your scars, and what happened to you is not your fault.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
While much of the world is staying home, domestic violence victims find themselves trapped with their abuser. While COVID19 and the current quarantine won't create abusers, it does exacerbate the potential abuse in domestic violence situations.
If you find yourself in need, call you local shelter or abuse hotline - DASAS is 1-800-828-2023.
Safety planning:
Safety During an Argument
- Stay in an area with an exit and avoid letting the other person get between you and the exit.
- Practice getting out of your home safely.
- Avoid rooms with weapons, such as the kitchen.
- Have emergency 911 phones hidden throughout the home.
- Tell trustworthy neighbors about the violence. Ask them to call the police if they hear or see any disturbance.
- Devise a code word or signal to use with your children, family, friends, and trustworthy neighbors when you need the police.
- Trust your instincts and judgment. You have the right to protect yourself until you are out of danger.
Safety When Preparing to Leave
- Establish your independence. Open savings and credit card accounts in your name only and specifically instruct institutions that your partner is not to have access.
- Leave money, extra keys, copies of important documents, extra medicine and clothes with someone you trust so you can leave quickly.
- Determine safe people you can stay with and plan leaving with.
- Review and rehearse your safety plan.
- Keep a packed bag at a trusted relative’s or friend’s home.
- Plan where you will go if you have to leave.
Safety in Your Own Home
- Change the locks on your doors. (Landlords are legally obligated to change locks within 24 hrs if you are experiencing DV).
- Install locks on your windows. (Renters check with your landlord first.)
- Discuss and practice a safety plan with your children for when you are not with them.
- Inform your children’s schools or caregivers who has permission to pick up your children.
- Inform neighbors and landlord that your partner no longer lives with you and to call the police if they see him or her near your home.
Safety with a Restraining Order
- Keep your protective order on you at all times, and give a copy to a trusted neighbor, friend or family member.
- Call the police if your abuser violates the protective order.
- Think of alternative ways to keep safe if the police do not respond right away.
- Inform family, friends, neighbors and health care providers that you have a restraining order in effect.
Your Safety and Emotional Health
- Identify who you can rely on for emotional support and call our Crisis Line at 503-469- 8620 or toll free 1-866- 469-8600.
- If you have to communicate with your abuser, determine the safest way to do so and avoid being alone with them.
- Advocate for yourself and your needs. Find people and resources you can safely and openly talk to and ask for help. You are not alone, and you do not have to go through this by yourself.
- Look into counseling and support groups that directly address your experiences and needs.
- Find ways to care for yourself: exercise, make time to relax, create a safe environment, do things you enjoy, get as much support as you can.
Checklist: What You Should Take When You Leave
Legal Papers
- Restraining order/stalking order
- Lease, rental agreement, house deed
- Car registration
- Health and life insurance cards
- Divorce papers
- Custody papers
Other
- House and car keys
- Medications
- Valuables, photos, etc.
- Address book
- Phone card/safety cell phone
- Clothes, blankets, small toys for children
- Clothes, hygiene necessities, etc. for yourself
Identification
- Driver’s license
- Children’s birth certificates
- Social security card
- Self-sufficiency/disability identification
Papers
- Medical records for you and your children
- Work permits/green card
- VISA
Download a safety plan here.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Rita O'Brien, a DASAS intern working on her Masters Degree in social work at Western Michigan University, joins Claudia to discuss what human trafficking is and how it impacts our community.
Human trafficking involves the use of force, fraud, or coercion to obtain some type of labor or commercial sex act. Every year, millions of men, women, and children are trafficked worldwide – including right here in the United States. It can happen in any community and victims can be any age, race, gender, or nationality. Traffickers might use violence, manipulation, or false promises of well-paying jobs or romantic relationships to lure victims into trafficking situations.
Language barriers, fear of their traffickers, and/or fear of law enforcement frequently keep victims from seeking help, making human trafficking a hidden crime.
To report suspected human trafficking to Federal law enforcement:
1-866-347-2423
To get help from the National Human Trafficking Hotline:
1-888-373-7888 or text HELP or INFO to BeFree (233733)
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Pastor Jamey Smith of Riverside Church in Three Rivers, Michigan survived domestic abuse in his childhood. Today he helps others navigate this traumatic experience as a Pastor. When so many abusers twist scripture and church teachings, it can be a scary thing to approach a Pastor. But Jamey says the Bible is very clear: domestic abuse is not okay.
In this conversation, guest host Dan Moyle and Pastor Jamey Smith take on the ways in which perpetrators of violence twist scripture and unpack what God says about abuse and oppression.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Survivors of abuse feel like they've lost their power. The DASAS panel discusses how abuse victims can take that power back.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
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Claudia Pahls hosts a round table with Deborah Hackworth, Ellen Higgins and Rose Ludwick to discuss some of the ways abuse like domestic violence changes victims and survivors.
Here are some ways in which people can feel like their lives have changed after experiencing abuse and domestic violence and how to go about them:
- Feeling easily overwhelmed, anxious irritated or crying without explanation: Places you used to love are now dull or noisy, and people whose company you used to enjoy are now irritating. That’s because after surviving an abusive situation, many people tend to find respite by isolating themselves from the world or the activities that were once meaningful to them. We know that although this might be a temporary fix, being reclusive is not a long-term solution because human beings are social creatures that need interaction with other people. If you notice that you start feeling overwhelmed or anxious around new people or in social situations after experiencing abuse, it may help to practice some self-care: try retreating to a quiet space where you can gather your thoughts and collect yourself. Try techniques such as breathing exercises that can help you calm down or practice some mindfulness! Observing the outside world, acknowledging that you are safe and that the abuse is in the past (where it belongs) can help you feel back to normal and at peace with yourself and with those around you.
- Distrusting people in general or being uncomfortable if left alone with someone of the opposite sex: We hear from many of our contacts that after being in an abusive relationship they have a hard time building connections with other people and that trust (or lack thereof) becomes an issue. We’ve also heard from women callers, for example, that tell us how uncomfortable they feel if they find themselves in situations where they are surrounded by just men (think a random elevator stop, strangers sitting in a waiting room or meeting new coworkers or people at a party). If you find yourself being wary of others’ intentions toward you, know that you are not alone and what you feel is a completely normal reaction after surviving trauma. After all, you probably wouldn’t want to experience those feelings ever again! Remember to take it one day at the time. As your heart heals so will your ability to trust others. Don’t forget to be kind and patient with yourself while you become used to learning how to trust again.
- Flashbacks of the abuse: Many people who have experienced domestic violence report having flashbacks of the abuse they’ve endured. These flashbacks are triggered by no apparent reason and can feel very vivid and realistic, making the survivor relive the pain experienced from the abusive situation, which can leave you feeling confused, isolated and like there’s something wrong with your head. Flashbacks or recurring memories are a symptom of PTSD, which is a mental and physical reaction to a traumatic event. We know that many survivors of abuse experience Complex PTSD because of the repetitive nature of intimate partner violence. Not all treatments for PTSD work the same for everyone, so you might have to try a few different things to see what works best for you. According to Psychology Today, there are several medical treatments such as medication, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing to treat PTSD. Other practices such as meditation, yoga, mindfulness, positive affirmations, breathing exercises and maintaining a healthy lifestyle can also do wonders when trying to recover from an abusive relationship.
- Ruminating words, thoughts and events: Rumination is when you become fixated over a word, problem or event and play it in a continuous loop over and over in your head. When people ruminate the words said by an abusive partner or replay the mental images about the distress they suffered, they can become agitated, hopeless and depressed—which is a complete disservice to their own healing process. If you feel like ruminating, make sure to stop yourself in your tracks. Go for a walk, call a friend or do an activity that completely interferes with the urge to mentally repeat the offending words or events. It takes practice to stop ruminating, but remember to be patient and gentle with yourself. If you are able to stop ruminating words and problems, you may feel less anxious, worried and more open to healing the wounds left by the abuse and domestic violence.
These are just some of the ways abuse and domestic violence can change a person, and as you can see, many of these changes are rooted in fear. And that is to be expected. Experiencing and surviving abuse can have such a profound impact on a person’s mind, body and soul. But there’s something quite unique about being broken: you are strong, resilient and one of a kind. (source)
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
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Toriann Lawrence and Dan Moyle discuss the Healthy Relationships program Tori teaches in our schools and the Voices to End Violence campaign Dan helps with, with the goal to fund the program.
Our mission with Voices to End Violence is to help create a world where all men and boys are loving and respectful, and all women and girls are valued and safe.
Donate to Voices to End Violence here
Voices to End Violence is YOU and other concerned men in the community! It was born out of the belief that men have a crucial role to play in the movement to end violence that is impacting our daughters, sisters, mothers, partners and friends. By contributing $100 to this annual campaign, you help raise crucial dollars needed for educational, awareness and prevention initiatives in our communities. As a VOICES contributor, you also are taking a public stand to end sexual assault and domestic/dating violence by agreeing to have your name published annually, in local newspapers.
How You Can Help:
Learn more about the Voices To End Violence Initiative. Add your name to the list of supporters and help end violence by making an annual $100 donation to the cause. Then invite 10 friends to join your VOICE.
Ask your workplace to host a “VOICES Day.” Encourage staff to wear a purple ribbon, put up a purple ribbon display, invite Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services Prevention Educator to come into your work place and explain the dynamics of abuse.
Believe survivors of sexual assault and domestic abuse. Survivors may face questions and collective minimizing from the people they tell. As an initial response, train yourself to believe first. Listen. Provide support.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Deborah Hackworth, Interim Executive Director, and Toriann Lawrence, Child Advocate at DASAS, explore the origins of Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month (#TDVAM) and what DASAS does to help teach healthy relationships to young people.
Links:
- Love is Respect Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month
- Tori's Survivor Story
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
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Jen grew up in a supportive, loving home. And yet at 15 years old, she found herself in an abusive teenage relationship. Hear her story, how she got there, and how she became a survivor.
"Let's say I went to Taco Bell with my friends after sporting event or something and I didn't tell him. Because you know that's just it's not something that crosses your mind to tell your boyfriend that you have to do. He would like very upset with me. And he would just accuse me of cheating on him and he would call me like really, really mean names..."
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
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Both physical and sexual violence have been linked to a greater risk of adverse mental health outcomes among women. The most prevalent include depression, suicide attempts, post-traumatic stress disorder, other stress and anxiety disorders, sleeping or eating disorders and psychosomatic disorders. Physical and sexual abuse in childhood have also been associated with a host of subsequent risk behaviors, including early sexual activity; alcohol, tobacco and drug abuse; multiple sexual partners; choosing abusive partners later in life; and lower rates of contraceptive and condom use (21,29). Women who report a history of early sexual abuse often report feelings of worthlessness and difficulty distinguishing sexual from affectionate behavior, maintaining appropriate personal boundaries, and refusing unwanted sexual advances. Studies have consistently linked a history of child sexual abuse with a higher risk of experiencing sexual violence later in life.
The DASAS team takes this subject on in today's episode.
The abuse takes many forms, including:
- intimate partner violence (sometimes called domestic or family violence, or spousal abuse) which can be physical, sexual or emotional;
- dating violence;
- sexual violence (including rape) by strangers, acquaintances or partners;
- systematic rape during armed conflict;
- forced prostitution, trafficking or other forms of sexual exploitation;
- female genital mutilation (FGM) and other harmful traditional practices;
- dowry-related violence;
- forced marriage or cohabitation, including forced wife inheritance and ‘wife kidnapping’;
- femicide and the killing girls or women in the name of ‘honor’;
- female infanticide and deliberate neglect of girls.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
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Elizabeth Alderson, therapist at DASAS, unpacks physical health effects survivors and victims, specifically women, face after physical abuse.
Violence has immediate effects on women’s health, which in some cases, is fatal. Physical, mental and behavioral health consequences can also persist long after the violence has stopped. Violence against women and girls occurs in every country and culture, and is rooted in social and cultural attitudes and norms that privilege men over women and boys over girls.
The abuse takes many forms, including:
- intimate partner violence (sometimes called domestic or family violence, or spousal abuse) which can be physical, sexual or emotional;
- dating violence;
- sexual violence (including rape) by strangers, acquaintances or partners;
- systematic rape during armed conflict;
- forced prostitution, trafficking or other forms of sexual exploitation;
- female genital mutilation (FGM) and other harmful traditional practices;
- dowry-related violence;
- forced marriage or cohabitation, including forced wife inheritance and ‘wife kidnapping’;
- femicide and the killing girls or women in the name of ‘honor’;
- female infanticide and deliberate neglect of girls.
The health consequences of violence can be immediate and acute, long-lasting and chronic, and/or fatal. Research consistently finds that the more severe the abuse, the greater its impact on women’s physical and mental health. In addition, the negative health consequences can persist long after abuse has stopped. The consequences of violence tend to be more severe when women experience more than one type of violence (e.g. physical and sexual) and/or multiple incidents over time.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
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It may not be safe or effective to directly confront the abuser in every case, but there are a range of ways bystanders can be involved before, during, or after a situation when they see or hear behaviors that promote violence. Deborah Hackworth goes over some bystander intervention information on this episode.
Below are some intervention tips and strategies:
Disrupt the situation. Every situation is different, and there is no one way to respond. When you witness a person being harassed, threatened, or followed by someone, you can try to distract the harasser or insert yourself into their interaction to help the targeted person get out of the situation. For example, if you see someone on the street being verbally harassed, you can interrupt the harasser and ask them for directions. You can also intervene by pretending to know the person being harassed and starting a conversation with them as an opportunity to come between them and the harasser.
Don’t act alone. Get support from people around you by calling on others to help. The more people who come together to interrupt a situation, the more you reinforce the idea that the behavior is not acceptable in your community. This can be as simple as saying, “Let’s say something to them so they stop.” If you do not feel safe, you may consider contacting the police.
Set the expectation to speak up and step in. Talking openly and responding directly to inappropriate behaviors will have a snowball effect and encourage others to respond. It shows you recognize the comment or behavior is unacceptable and shows others it will not be tolerated. For example, if you are in a group setting and you hear someone make inappropriate comments, you can say:
- Are you hearing what I am hearing?
- I can’t be the only one who thinks this is not OK.
- I don’t see how XYZ is relevant or appropriate to this discussion.
- I know you’re a better person than that.
Understand how your privilege positions you to speak up. Your age, race, gender, etc. may make it safer for you to speak up and be vocal about harassment – especially when you are not the target or representative of the target group.
Focus on the needs and experience of the target and ensure they receive the support the need.
- Let them know that what has happened to them isn’t their fault.
- Affirm that they didn’t do anything wrong.
- Express your support for the individual. – I saw what they just did. Are you OK? – I heard what that person said to you. I am so sorry.
Take action online. Everyone can help address an online culture that tolerates rape and sexual violence. Online comments that blame victims contribute to a broader climate in which sexual violence is tolerated and not taken seriously.
- Believe and support survivors. For example, thank survivors for sharing their stories in the comments of news articles and blog posts.
- Respond to victim-blaming, rape jokes, or other problematic comments on social media:
- Post a response like, “Sexual assault is never the survivor’s fault.”
- Refocus accountability on the individual(s) who committed sexual abuse.
- Link to an educational resource about sexual violence prevention, like those that can be found at nsvrc.org/publications.
Be proactive. Practice with friends and family what you would say and how you would say it if you’re ever put in the situation where you need to confront a harasser. Think of how you would like others to take action on your behalf, or reflect on a situation where you wish you had acted differently
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
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Regina Ditmer, Personal Protection Order (PPO) Advocate at the St. Joseph County Courthouse, joins guest host Dan Moyle to talk about her role within DASAS, the difficulties victims face and why she lives to help.
Regina offers examples of what her clients face, how she helps and what fires her up about her job.
You're getting to know the people behind DASAS with our Spotlight Series of interviews, interspersed throughout our podcast journey.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
"Ann" survived an abuser who nearly strangled her at 18, an abusive partner who held her at gunpoint, sexual abuse and more. In this episode she shares her story to inspire and guide other victims to become survivors.
This survivor has had music to help her, friends, groups like Al-Anon and even a boss who stepped in to show support and offer help. Ann says she now strives to be that light for others.
"If one person gets help because of one thing I have said... your life can be such a better quality of life. Don't let what has happened to you hold you back. Because you will forever be held back if you crawl into a hole and give in and give up. You have to find what helps you."
If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources. I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
Men aren’t the problem. But men are the solution.
I didn’t fully understand this statement before getting involved with Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services. But my time in the recording booth with our podcast team has opened my eyes to so much.
First, it’s normal to talk about victims with female pronouns because so many domestic violence victims we see are women, and their assailants, men.
But we know that victims aren’t only women. Men are victims, too. At the hands of both female and male abusers.
Secondly, through interviews with survivors and experts in this organization, I’ve learned that as a man, I don’t need to feel shunned because so often it’s my gender who’s violent. This isn’t an organization or a movement that’s against men. Organizations like DASAS are here to support men, just as we support women.
We want to put a stop to intimate partner violence by shining a light on it. It’s not okay to take the power away from a partner or other relationship. It’s not manly to control others.
I want to speak to the men here tonight. If you’re a man in an abusive relationship, it’s important to know that you’re not alone. Abuse of men happens far more often than you might expect—in both heterosexual and same sex relationships. It happens to men from all cultures and all walks of life regardless of age or occupation. However, men are often reluctant to report abuse because they feel embarrassed, fear they won’t be believed, or are scared that their partner will take revenge.
Domestic violence against men can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. Abusive relationships always involve an imbalance of power and control. An abuser uses intimidating, hurtful words and behaviors to control his or her partner.
It might not be easy to recognize domestic violence against men. Early in the relationship, your partner might seem attentive, generous and protective in ways that later turn out to be controlling and frightening.
You might be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:
- Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
- Prevents you from going to work or school
- Stops you from seeing family or friends
- Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear
- Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
- Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
- Threatens you with violence or a weapon
- Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you physically, your children or your pets
- Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
- Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
Please. Don't take the blame.
You may not be sure whether you're the victim or the abuser. It's common for survivors of domestic violence to act out verbally or physically against the abuser, yelling, pushing or hitting him or her during conflicts. The abuser may use such incidents to manipulate you, describing them as proof that you are the abusive partner.
You may have developed unhealthy behaviors. Many survivors do. That doesn't mean you are at fault for the abuse.
If you're having trouble identifying what's happening, take a step back and look at larger patterns in your relationship. Then, review the signs of domestic violence. In an abusive relationship, the person who routinely uses these behaviors is the abuser. The person on the receiving end is being abused.
Even if you're still not sure, seek help. Intimate partner violence causes physical and emotional damage — no matter who is at fault.
If you’re gay, bisexual, or transgender, you can experience domestic violence and abuse if you’re in a relationship with someone who:
- Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues, or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity
- Tells you that authorities won’t help a gay, bisexual, or transgender person
- Tells you that leaving the relationship means you’re admitting that gay, bisexual, or transgender relationships are deviant
- Justifies abuse by telling you that you’re not “really” gay, bisexual, or transgender
- Says that men are naturally violent
Regardless of gender, ending a relationship, even an abusive one, is rarely easy. It becomes even harder if you’ve been isolated from friends and family, threatened, manipulated, and controlled, or physically and emotionally beaten down.
You may feel that you have to stay in the relationship due to any of these reasons:
- You feel ashamed. Many men feel great shame that they’ve been abused, been unable to stand up for themselves, or somehow failed in their role as a male, husband, or father.
- Your religious beliefs dictate that you stay or your self-worth is so low that you feel this abusive relationship is all you deserve.
- There’s a lack of resources. Many men worry they’ll have difficulty being believed by the authorities, or that their abuse will be minimized because they’re male, or find there are few resources to specifically help abused men.
- You’re in a same sex relationship but haven’t come out to family or friends, and are afraid your partner will out you.
- You’re in denial. Just as with female domestic violence victims, denying that there is a problem in your relationship will only prolong the abuse. You may still love your partner when they’re not being abusive and believe that they will change or that you can help them. But change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for their behavior and seeks professional treatment.
- You want to protect your children. You worry that if you leave, your spouse will harm your children or prevent you from having access to them. Obtaining custody of children is always challenging for fathers, but even if you are confident that you can do so, you may still feel overwhelmed at the prospect of raising them alone.
If these sound familiar, you are not alone. We see you.
Domestic violence and abuse can have a serious physical and psychological impact. The first step to protecting yourself and stopping the abuse is to reach out. Talk to a friend, family member, or someone else you trust, or call a domestic violence helpline.
Admitting the problem and seeking help does not mean you have failed as a man or as a husband. You are not to blame, and you are not weak. As well as offering a sense of relief and providing some much-needed support, sharing details of your abuse can also be the first step in building a case against your abuser.
If you’re looking for help and need advice or advocacy, I want to encourage you to call 911 if it’s an emergency. Then, please reach out to DASAS. We’re here to help.
Our 24 hour hotline is 800-828-2023 and our website is dasas-mi-dot-org.
Domestic violence against men can have devastating effects. Although you may not be able to stop your partner's abusive behavior, you can seek help. Remember, no one deserves to be abused.
I encourage everyone to listen to our podcast, I’m Not In An Abusive Relationship, for hope, insight and encouragement.
Thank you for being here tonight.
If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources.
I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
Dr. Lukas Konandreas is not only a full-time emergency room doctor, he is also the author of Better Dead Than Divorced and an advocate for domestic abuse victims.
A romance. A forced marriage. A scandalous affair. A hit man. Better Dead Than Divorced is the true story of a young woman whose path crosses with a charming playboy. Their fates collide into a love affair. He asks her to have sex, since “We are to get married anyway” and she gives in. He reneges his promise, but the young woman’s family makes sure he lives up to his promise. Their forced marriage opens the gates for disaster. He has extramarital affairs, he is abusing her and tries for years to commission an assassin, someone, to kill her. She knows about his evil intentions and she is urged to leave him and save her life but her love, her devotion, and societal prejudice against divorced women make her stay and say “ Better Dead Than Divorced”. And dead she ends up one night by a commissioned assassin. Her cousin, a principled man, driven by honor and conscience fights beyond his modest means in a corrupt system to have justice for her loss served.
One of the ways that Dr. Lukas advocates for the victims is to help empower them to get out of the abusive relationships.
If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources.
I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
When you face online harassment or abuse, it affects you in real life. Sometimes the threats come right to your front door. So what happens when an abuser takes their attacks online? Or what are you supposed to do when online abuse occurs and you're not feeling safe?
What makes online abusers tick? Most people have come across trolls, haters or even worse on the internet. Especially for people in underrepresented groups, the internet can be a place where safety does not seem a given.
Geraldine DeRuiter shared her ideas and experiences about surviving online harassment and making the internet a better place to work and play.
Geraldine is a writer. Her travel blog, The Everywhereist, catapulted her into a digital career with a large social media following. She's faced abuse of all levels. Now Geraldine speaks on her experience to help others.
The Smart Woman’s Guide to Surviving Online Abuse – Geraldine DeRuiter The Everywhereist Geraldine on Twitter
If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources.
I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
Executive Director of DASAS Rose Ludwick brings information on the Crime Victims Compensation Fund in this episode of I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship.
The Crime Victim Services Commission (CVSC) Compensation Program may help crime victims, who sustained a personal physical injury, and their immediate families with the financial costs of crime. Costs that may be eligible include medical treatment, counseling, funerals, crime scene clean-up, grief counseling and loss of income or support not paid by other sources.
Contact Information:Victims-Only Toll-Free Number: 1-877-251-7373Fax: 517-373-2439Email: MDHHS-Michigancrimevictim@michigan.gov
If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources.
I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
Tori Lawrence, Child Advocate at DASAS joins the show to discuss how to talk to children who experience domestic violence.
When It’s Time to Talk
Talking about abuse is never comfortable. It can be particularly difficult to discuss the topic with your children. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say anything.
Children have this elephant-in-the-room problem, and it can really create a kind of wedge between the child and parent. That’s when we start to see behavioral issues.
Experts say those behavioral issues are often children trying to express themselves without having the opportunity or know-how to do so verbally. Instead, they act out via tantrums, defiance and aggressive behavior.
Establishing open communication and being available to listen and answer questions is the best way to help your children deal with what’s going on. Here are eight tips from The National Child Traumatic Stress Network for discussing domestic violence with kids.
- Take the lead. Don’t wait for children to come to you; they’re likely scared and uncomfortable to bring the topic up, too.
- Start with a message of support. Try something like, “I care about you and I will listen to you.”
- Find out what they know. Ask your children what they’ve seen or what they understand about what’s happening at home.
- Show support. Acknowledge children’s feelings and their versions of events, which may not line up with what actually happened.
- Tell them it’s not their fault. Children are naturally self-centered and are likely to think they’re the reason for the violence. Assure them they are not.
- Tell them violence is not OK. It may feel hypocritical to say, but it’s still an important message to get across.
- Try to stay calm. Speaking confidently conveys a sense of security. If your children ask something you’re not comfortable answering right then, tell them it’s an important question and you need some time to think before you can answer. Most importantly, make sure you do get back to them.
- Don’t put any burden on them. Rely on other adults for support and avoid placing stress or worry on your children by discussing relationship or custody issues with them.
It’s Okay to Ask for Help
If you’re still uncomfortable talking to your children about domestic violence, don’t be too hard on yourself.
Most likely a parent won't simply automatically know what to say. This is why the role of external supports, whether it’s an advocate, a neighbor, a friend, a therapist—someone who can really help the non-abusing parent think through what they want to say to the child—are so important.
In addition to general support, getting professional help from a child therapist anytime you are concerned about your child’s mental and emotional well-being is critical.
If your child’s behaviors are significantly interfering with their ability to function at school or at home, if there’s aggression that feels unsafe or uncontainable, if an older child gives any hint of self-harm—these are clear indications that the child needs outside help. Parents should not hesitate to seek support if they are worried about their child.
Resource that inspired this episode.
If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources.
I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
Claudia Pahls welcomes Pamela Humes, Director of Educational Outreach at Alternatives Care Center of Kalamazoo. She's also Project Director of ReGen Next, which has the awesome mission of helping young people regenerate their outlook on life to form and maintain healthy relationships.
"At ReGen Next, we strive to provide information that can help you to avoid risk behaviors like illegal drug use, prescription drug abuse, underage drinking, smoking (e-cigs included) and teen sex, all which can lead to unhealthy outcomes. We want you to KNOW better so that you can live a long, healthy life. But we won’t just tell you WHAT you should or shouldn’t do. We’ll also connect you to resources that explain WHY you should or shouldn’t do it."
If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources.
I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
"We don't want to put the onus on the survivor. Because it's not their fault. It's not their fault they're being harassed at work. It's not their fault that they're receiving multiple phone calls. And they're being followed. Or they're being questioned every time they walk out for break and somebody of the opposite sex follow them out the door and they're being accused of whatever unknown things that's causing them to lose productivity.
"As employers we don't have to put the onus on them. We can find the resources. We can learn about ways we can intervene and ways that we can help. Open that dialogue. Have that conversation. Be a safe place. Start by believing."
When domestic violence occurs in the home, it affects our work. It is not a private matter to be "dealt with" behind closed doors. Employers need to have policies on place just as they do for other situations.
In today's episode, Rose Ludwick and Deborah Hackworth discuss how domestic violence affects the workplace, and what employers can do to help.
If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources.
I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
Deborah Hackworth, Director of Advocacy Services at DASAS, talks with Claudia Pahls about how ignoring the warning signs of domestic violence will only help it to thrive. Learn how to ask someone if they're really okay, how to offer help without judgement or your own agenda and what to look for to begin to recognize when someone may need help.
If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources.
I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
Each October, Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services holds candlelight vigils to honor victims and celebrate survivors of domestic violence. This is the vigil we held in Cassopolis on October 8, 2019.
If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources.
I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
At domestic violence vigils across the country, we remember those who did not survive their fight for life. These are the names of the victims of domestic violence in southwest Michigan for the 2019 Domestic Violence Awareness vigils.
The names included on this list are those of women, children, and men who died starting in 1971 through this year. The women, children, and men listed all died because of the determination and desperation of one individual to maintain power and control over another. Please help us remember those whose lives were taken and to emphasize the need for continued efforts to stop domestic and sexual violence.
Roberta Millard, from Mendon, April 23, 1971 – died at the hands of her husband, Winston Millard. She was the mother of 6 children.
Annie Mae Washington,38, from Three Rivers, 1977 -- killed by her live-in boyfriend, Lank Thomas.
Carl Harmon, from Sturgis, 1978 – killed by his daughter’s boyfriend, Thomas Baker.
Lonnie Franks, from Leonidas, 1980 – killed by an acquaintance, James Alexander.
Donald Ray and Edith Davis, from Three Rivers, 1980 – killed by their son, Donnie Davis, in their home.
Tommy Fields, from Three Rivers, 1981- killed by his wife after a long history of domestic violence within the relationship.
Pauline Christine Albee, from Constantine, 1981 – murdered by her husband, Richard Wayne Albee, while their children were present in the home.
Brenda Runyon, from St. Joseph County, 1982 –sexually assaulted and murdered by Paul Bell, after a brief relationship.
Leota Marquardt, 71, from Edwardsburg, February 1984 – killed by her estranged husband, who then killed himself.
Jennifer Tyson, from Sturgis, 1984 - was murdered as an infant by her mother’s boyfriend, James Eversole. The child died of injuries consistent with Shaken Baby Syndrome.
Linda Van Buskirk, from Three Rivers, 1985 –was stalked by an acquaintance, Ricky Moore, who then killed her while she was jogging near her home.
Pauline Holzhaus, 74, & her sister Mildred Hack, 70, from Three Rivers, April 1986 – killed by Pauline’s 81-year-old husband, who then took his own life.
Frances Harker, 53, from Sturgis, April 1986 - killed by Douglas Riddle, an acquaintance of the family.
Sandra Ely, 36, from Constantine, March 1988 – killed by her husband, while at home with her three young children. He then killed himself.
Cathy Swartz, 19, Three Rivers, December 1988 – was sexually assaulted and then murdered in her apartment with her infant child present. The case remains unsolved.
Marcia Cossairt, 36, from Sturgis, 1989 – killed by her boyfriend, Leonard Radzejewski. She was the mother of two children.
Cathern Young, from Centreville, 1989 –killed by her nephew, Rex Cutchall.
Aina Housmanis, from Three Rivers, 1990 – Killed by her husband while living in the Latvian Center near Three Rivers. He then killed himself.
Martin Keely, from Nottawa, 1990 –killed by his son, Larry Keely, who was found not guilty by reason of insanity.
Deborah Roberts, 33, from Vandalia, July 1990 – killed by her boyfriend. She was survived by two children.
Rosalie Bousman, 21, from Cassopolis, 1991 – murdered by her close friend.
Chris Dimmic, 27, from Kalamazoo, February 1991 – murdered by her boyfriend.
Steven Rose, 8 months, from Cass County, December 1991 – died at the hands of his father.
Brian Ligon, 17, from Three Rivers – killed by his mother’s boyfriend, William Duncan.
Lois Krantz, 40, from Kalamazoo, July 1992 – Abducted and killed by her husband. Lois was 7 months pregnant and left behind 3 children.
Lewie Strang, 25, from Sturgis, October 1993 – killed by his wife, Joan Strang; he was survived by a daughter.
Norman Hicks, 22, from Three Rivers, 1993 – killed by his girlfriend; he was survived by a son.
Becky Stowe, 15, from Niles, 1993 – murdered by her boyfriend. Her body was found in 1995.
Lady Monique Conley, 3, from Three Rivers, November 1994 – died of asphyxiation. Both of her parents were convicted in this case.
Andrew Mitchell, 2, from Cassopolis, December 1994 – killed by his father, Michael Mitchell.
Talishia Melton, 7 years old, from Centreville, 1995 – killed by her mother, Hope Melton.
Carol Knepp, from Mottville, February 1996 – murdered by 3 acquaintances of her husband.
Vanessa Hicks, 12, Ginger Hicks, 7, Erika Hicks, 3, from Vicksburg, February 1997 - Died in a house fire set by their father, who also died in the fire.
James and Arunee Shuman, from Three Rivers, 1997 – killed by their 17-year old son Douglas Shuman.
Brittany Beers 6, of Sturgis, September 1997 – Brittany was last seen sitting on a bench in front of her home in Sturgis. She vanished, and has never been found. The case remains unsolved.
Karlene Raykovitz (Kane), 36 from Burr Oak, 1997 – killed by her boyfriend, who then committed suicide a few days later. She left behind 3 children.
Dr. Harvey Wilkes, 1998 - killed by his estranged wife, who then killed herself. Dr. Wilkes was the medical examiner for St. Joseph County for several years in the 1990s.
Charles Clarke, 1998 – Killed by his wife Brenda Clarke. Charles is survived by a daughter.
Maggie Ann Coleman, 16, from Paw Paw, September 1998 – killed by her ex-boyfriend, who then killed himself.
Monika Voits, formerly from Three Rivers, 1999 – killed by her husband at her Oregon home. She is survived by two children, who were raised by her parents in Three Rivers.
Pearl Evans, 48, from Decatur, March 2000 –died two months after sustaining extensive injuries that were inflicted by her husband, Lawrence Evans.
Keith Driskel, 41, his wife, Kimberly Driskel, 39 & their son, Korey Driskel, 12 from Marcellus, May 2000, - The family was killed by their son/brother, Keith Driskel, Jr. Keith, Jr. later committed suicide.
Penne Sue Gloor, 41, from Sturgis, June 2000 – killed by her husband, James Gloor, who then committed suicide.
Jeanette Kay Kelly, 42, from Portage, August 2000 – killed in her home by her former boyfriend, Dale McNeal, who then killed himself. Her two daughters escaped as a result of a safety plan their mother had made.
George Pluta, 47, from Paw Paw, August 2000 –killed by John Petry, his girlfriends estranged husband. Petry committed suicide when police arrived.
Diane Lynn Cain, 39, from Pokagon Township, Cass County, November 2000 – killed by her husband, Gregory Cain. He subsequently committed suicide.
Beverly Mitchell, 36, and her sister Barbara Lownsberry, 44, from Niles, July 2001 - Barbara and her sister were killed by Beverly’s husband, Larry Mitchell, who then killed himself. Her sister’s 14-year-old daughter and stepdaughter witnessed the murders. Beverly was the mother of two girls.
Kathryn Schrock, 46, from Cassopolis, August 2001 – killed by her husband, Dennis who then shot himself. Kathryn left behind two children.
Lori Dean, 39, from Kalamazoo, September 2001 – killed by her live-in boyfriend, Dennis Wolf.
Tameka L. Taylor, 27, from Kalamazoo, September 2002 – killed by her ex-boyfriend, Antwion Moore and his girlfriend, Aisha Rashidah Muhammad. Tameka was the mother of two small children who were raised by Tameka’s mother in Three Rivers.
Linda Teeters, 49, from Sturgis, March 2003 – killed by her live-in boyfriend of two months, Steven Bauder. Linda is survived by her three children and three grandchildren.
Deborah Moore-Foster, 50, from Battle Creek, March 2004 – killed by her husband, Robert Foster. Deborah had filed for a divorce earlier in the year and had obtained a PPO against Foster. He had been in court days earlier charged with violating the PPO.
Austin Singleton, 2, from Niles, November 2004 – killed by his father, Donald Parks.
Matthew Morales, 36, from Battle Creek, 2005 - killed by his 38-year-old girlfriend. Matthew is survived by his two daughters.
Denise Simpson, 41 from Dowagiac, 2007 – killed by her estranged husband Michael Simpson, who then killed himself. She was the mother of 2 children.
Jodi Parrack, 11, from Constantine, November 2007 – was abducted, sexually assaulted and murdered by Daniel Furlong, a person unknown to her in the community.
Calista Springer, 15, from Centreville, February 2008 – died in a house fire, chained to her bed as a result of undetected and ongoing child abuse by her father Anthony and step-mother Marsha Springer.
Venus Rose Stewart, 32, from Colon, April 2010 – abducted and murdered by her estranged husband, Douglas Stewart. Venus was the mother of two daughters.
Dennis Brooks, 35, from Burr Oak, March 2014 - killed by his ex-girlfriend, Maria Williams. Dennis was the father of six children.
Laura Stineback 42, from Dowagiac, May 2015 - killed by her husband. She was the mother of three children.
Alan Robert Craigo 59, from Edwardsburg, March 2017 – killed by his son, Joseph Craigo.
Shane Richardson, 29, from Constantine, July 2017 – killed by his wife’s ex-husband, Zachary Patten. At the time of his death, Shane’s wife Kaleena was expecting their first child together.
Lori Norman, 30, from Three Rivers, March 2019 - her live-in boyfriend, Randall Miller has been charged with her murder and is still awaiting trial.
Kelly-Jien Warner-Miller, 43, from Sturgis, May 2019 –her live-in boyfriend, Wade Allen has been charged with her murder and is still awaiting trial.
Tonia Clark, 49, from Dowagiac, August 2019 – killed by her husband, Jason Clark, who then killed himself.
Listing the horrific acts perpetrated against these victims does not convey the complicated experience of torment and violence they experienced. These stories also cannot reveal to us all the ways victims protected their children, reached out to various systems for help, how long they were afraid, begged not to be hurt, or screamed for help before their lives ended. These images help renew our determination to continue working toward a world free of domestic violence. Our thoughts are with the families and loved ones of those mentioned here, and all others who died at the hands of those who professed to love them.
If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources.
I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
Elizabeth Alderson joins Claudia Pahls to understand October's National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, which first began in 1981 by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence as a Day of Unity to connect battered women’s advocates across the country.
Domestic violence affects millions, both women and men, of every race, religion, culture and status. It’s not just punches and black eyes -- it’s yelling, humiliation, stalking, manipulation, coercion, threats and isolation. It’s stealing a paycheck, keeping tabs online, non-stop texting, constant use the silent treatment, or calling someone stupid so often they believe it.
Nearly three out of four Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence. Now is time to take a stand. Support survivors and speak out against domestic violence all month long.
For DASAS, October means events.
- 10/8 7:00pm - Candlelight Vigil at Cass District Library
- 10/15 7:00pm - Candlelight Vigil at St. Joseph County Courthouse
- 10/19 7:00pm - "Behind the Mask" Masquerade Ball "Old Hollywood Gala" theme at Sturges-Young Auditorium in Sturgis
- 10/29 8:00am-12:00pm - Community Forum "Domestic Violence & Co-Occurring Trauma at Glen Oaks Community College
Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.
Nichole Angel, criado en México, es el defensor de habla hispana de los Servicios de Abuso Doméstico y Sexual (DASAS). Ella entiende la cultura LatinX y ayuda a educar a su comunidad en el suroeste de Michigan sobre el abuso doméstico y sexual.
Nichole Angel, raised in Mexico, is the Spanish-speaking advocate for Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services (DASAS). She understands the LatinX culture, and helps educate her community in Southwest Michigan about domestic and sexual abuse.
En este episodio, Nichole trae conciencia de la violencia doméstica en inglés y español a su comunidad.
In this episode, Nichole brings domestic violence awareness in English and Espanol to her community.
You can learn more about Nichole and her story in her Spotlight Interview: DASAS Spotlight 5: Nichole Angel, Hispanic Advocate
Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.
Josefa was born in a small rural village in Mexico. While she was an infant, her dad killed her mother. An American couple adopted her, while her dad went to prison. Years later, Josefa's trauma surfaced in different ways like an aversion to violent movies and scary movies. She would ask her mom years later about those situations and nightmares and other issues, to finally hear her full life story.
Even as infants, we can experience trauma and feel the effects years later. Through counseling and her support system, Josefa has found hope in her survivor story.
Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.
Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services offers advocacy and help to our Spanish-speaking community. Our Hispanic Advocate Nichole Angle not only speaks Spanish, but she grew up in Mexico and understand the cultural differences. Daughter of an American mom and Mexican dad, Nichole's unique experience helps her reach an underserved community in our area.
You're getting to know the people behind DASAS with our Spotlight Series of interviews, interspersed throughout our podcast journey.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services offers therapy/counseling services. Krista DeBoer is our sexual assault therapist. Get to know the person behind the title in today's episode.
You're getting to know the people behind DASAS with our Spotlight Series of interviews, interspersed throughout our podcast journey.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Get to know Dan Moyle, Board Member at DASAS and the creator of I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship. He's a marketing professional and host of two podcasts (one for work, one personal) and brought the idea of a show to Board President Ned Haylett and Executive Director Rose Ludwick when he was in consideration for a board role. Since then, Dan has helped on events, committees, and as a board member. Today Dan talks with Claudia Pahls about his journey with DASAS.
You're getting to know the people behind DASAS with our Spotlight Series of interviews, interspersed throughout our podcast journey.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Get to know Elizabeth Alderson, Licensed Master Social Worker and resident therapist at Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services. Liz talks with Claudia Pahls about her journey with DASAS.
You're getting to know the people behind DASAS with our Spotlight Series of interviews, interspersed throughout our podcast journey.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
On this episode, "roving reporter" Dan Moyle takes the podcast on the road with the annual Walk a Mile in Her Shoes event. From interviews asking "Who do walk for?" to the sounds of the day, join us as we explore the 2019 Walk a Mile event together.
A one-mile march, dog walk, kids games & activities, raffles, prizes, hog roast, bounce houses, to help combat abuse in our community. Come join the fun for a great cause!
Each year, an ever-increasing number of men, women and their families are joining the award-winning Walk a Mile in Her Shoes®: The International Men's March to Stop Rape, Sexual Assault & Gender Violence. A Walk a Mile in Her Shoes® Event is a playful opportunity for men to raise awareness in their community about the serious causes, effects and remediations to men's sexualized violence against women.
Southwest Michigan's event is held annually in Three Rivers on the second Saturday in August. Join us at 9:00 for registration, the 10:00 walk, fun activities and a hog roast for lunch. It all takes place at LaFayette Park.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Ned Haylett, President of the Board of Directors at Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services, talks with Claudia Pahls about his journey with DASAS.
You're getting to know the people behind DASAS with our Spotlight Series of interviews, interspersed throughout our podcast.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
David Flowers is a former attorney who spent his career representing victims of sexual abuse in civil litigation. David wrote Taming the Lion Tamers about the South Carolina case of convicted pedophile Eddie Fischer, and the people who protected him for decades. It’s a powerful story, and is the same case on which the Emmy-nominated documentary film What Haunts Us is based.
David fought for victims for decades, using story to their advantage. Now he works to hold people in power who protect perpetrators responsible for their part in these stories.
Eddie Fischer was a teacher at Porter-Gaud, an elite private school in Charleston, South Carolina, for ten years. He was also a serial pedophile. Shortly after he was hired, administrators at the school learned about his sexual interest in young boys but did nothing to stop him. Fischer molested dozens of boys at the school. When they were finally confronted by the parents of a victim, the administrators allowed Fischer to resign quietly and then recommended him for employment at other schools in Charleston where he went on to molest more students for another fifteen years before he was finally arrested. This is the true story of how Fischer was finally stopped and the determined efforts by some of Fischer’s victims to expose the truth about Porter-Gaud’s role in enabling, supporting, and advancing Fischer’s criminal career which spanned four decades. Utilizing court transcripts and first-hand accounts, David shares the innovative and unconventional strategies, coupled with the remarkable courage of the victims, which exposed and defeated the arrogance of the school and its grossly negligent administrators.
David's book, Taming the Lion Tamers
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
A one-mile march, dog walk, kids games & activities, raffles, prizes, hog roast, bounce houses, to help combat abuse in our community. Come join the fun for a great cause!
Each year, an ever-increasing number of men, women and their families are joining the award-winning Walk a Mile in Her Shoes®: The International Men's March to Stop Rape, Sexual Assault & Gender Violence. A Walk a Mile in Her Shoes® Event is a playful opportunity for men to raise awareness in their community about the serious causes, effects and remediations to men's sexualized violence against women.
Southwest Michigan's event is held annually in Three Rivers on the second Saturday in August. Join us at 9:00 for registration, the 10:00 walk, fun activities and a hog roast for lunch. It all takes place at LaFayette Park.
Register for the Three Rivers Walk a Mile event here.
National Walk a Mile in Her Shoes website
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.
Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
Police Chief Steve Grinnewald of Dowagiac, Michigan joins guest host Deborah Hackworth to discuss law enforcement's response to domestic violence.
Steve is also a board member of Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services.
Domestic violence is the single largest category of police calls in many cities. When police officers respond, they know the situation can be volatile for both them and the abuser’s victim. That’s because the killer in almost one third of female homicides is an intimate partner, and 22 percent of officer "line of duty" deaths in recent years occurred while responding to domestic violence calls.
There's a connection between offenders who murder police officers and a record of domestic violence. They’re about power and control, and law enforcement officers represent the authority to take away their freedoms.
What Police Are Trained to Do
While policies differ from city to city, it can be helpful for survivors to understand the common threads for how police are trained to respond. The first concept is to treat domestic violence calls as a high priority or a life-threatening situation. Because of this perspective, and importantly for survivors to know, many departments will continue to respond even if the victim cancels the request.
Next is to approach carefully, meaning officers are trained to apply discretion when using emergency lights and sirens and to observe and listen before announcing their presence. This can improve everyone’s safety and also expose important evidence, such as an active confrontation.
Sending two officers is a best practice as well. On occasion, balancing the need to urgently respond and having two officers arriving on scene simultaneously can be a challenge, especially in areas where units are positioned far apart. Dispatching two officers can make quickly juggling a multitude of tasks more manageable, such as checking arrest warrants and prior history, and identifying and separating the victim and perpetrator.
Once on scene, keeping the abuser and victim out of sight and hearing of each other can increase the odds of each person speaking candidly without the influence of the other. It also helps officers determine if firearms are on the premises and to remove them; 79 percent of cases in a study of 358 police law enforcement agencies by the Police Executive Research Forum involved finding and confiscating firearms.
Collecting evidence is another priority. Many agencies require officers to take pictures of the victim’s injuries and the crime scene; interview and obtain written, audio or video statements from the parties, neighbors or witnesses; and create detailed occurrence reports whether or not an arrest is made. Nearly 9 in 10 agencies record incidents by location and 7 in 10 record them by individual to help officers of future investigations understand the history, according to the same study.
Conducting a risk assessment to determine the level of danger for the victim, and whether a safety plan should be encouraged, is required by 42 percent of agencies. Of course, if you’re experiencing violence, a safety plan is always something to consider developing, regardless. Some agencies train officers to provide victims with community resources and the protocol for some includes making follow up visits.
How a Survivor Can Help
The information that officers receive before they arrive on the scene helps them to be prepared. If it’s safe for you to do so, tell the dispatcher if the abuser has:
- Past criminal record
- History of restraining orders (active or expired)
- Access to weapons
- Made specific threats of violence (including suicide)
- Been violent to you or your children in the past
Not all the guidelines apply universally, but it’s helpful to know generally what to expect from a call for help to the police, and what to expect from the police.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.
Resource: https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/legal/how-police-are-trained-to-respond-to-domestic-violence
Producer and guest host Dan Moyle is joined by Dowagiac Police Chief (and DASAS Board Member) Steve Grinnewald and volunteer Damion Hackworth to explore men's roles in the fight against domestic and sexual abuse.
Damion is married to Director of Advocacy Services and regular contributor to I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship Deborah Hackworth. He volunteers often, doing whatever it takes to help forward the mission of Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services.
Steve serves on the DASAS Board, volunteers, and has helped bring awareness to his police department.
Dan serves on the DASAS Board, helps produce the podcast, and works on promotion and brand awareness/marketing for DASAS.
From what they get out of volunteering, to helping change the stigma that "men are the problem" into the idea that men are a solution, these guys offer insight into why they're involved in the DASAS movement.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit DASAS dot org.
Rick Huttner lived through childhood abuse, and has turned his story into a book, hoping to help victims of abuse. Resilient People: A Journey from Childhood Abuse to Healing and Love aims to help victims take back control, learn to love themselves once more, and finally be free. One of our producers, Dan Moyle, sat down to talk with Rick about his story, his book, and his mission.
You can buy Rick's book here: Resilient People: A Journey from Childhood Abuse to Healing and Love.
If you were abused as a child, the psychological damage can be considerable. Feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and shame can persist well into adulthood, seriously impacting your personal and professional life. For fifty years, Rick Huttner suffered from the negative effects of physical and sexual childhood abuse. He wants you to know you're not alone--and that it's never too late to heal.
In Resilient People, Rick shares the inspiring story of his journey through the recovery process. He offers valuable insights and compassionate guidance on everything from finding the right therapy to changing negative thought patterns, empowering other abuse survivors to discover their own pathways to emotional well-being.
No matter what you endured in your childhood, you can live a happier, more productive adult life. This book will help you take back control, learn to love yourself once more, and finally be free.
If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit DASAS dot org.
Rose Ludwick and Deborah Hackworth guest- host this episode, with guest Regina Ditmer, a Personal Protection Order Advocate in St. Joseph County.
What is a PPO?
A Personal Protection Order (PPO) is a court order to stop threats or violence against you. A PPO can help protect you from someone who is threatening, hurting or harassing you. You can get a PPO if you have a reasonable fear for your personal liberty or safety.
There are three types of PPOs:
•Domestic Relationship PPO
•Non-Domestic (Stalking) PPO
•Non-Domestic (Sexual Assault) PPO
How Do I Get a PPO? To apply for a PPO, you must file a petition with the court. You can utilize the resources of DASAS, and one of our advocates can assist you in completing the appropriate petition.
The petition is used to give the court important information it needs to decide whether to give you the order you want. As best you can, tell the court what the abuser has done to you and how you have been harmed. Try to remember the dates or times of year the events happened. You don't have to have police reports or other evidence to get a PPO, but if you do have them you should attach them to your petition. They can help the court understand what has happened to you.
You might be afraid the abuser will harm you if you don't get a PPO right away. You might be afraid the abuser will harm you if he or she finds out you are asking for a PPO. If so, you can ask for an emergency order. This emergency order is called an ex parte order. If you get an ex parte order, you won't have to wait for a hearing to get your order. With an ex parte order, the abuser won't know you're asking for a PPO until after you get your order.
If the judge requires a hearing before signing your order, it will be held within 21 days of the day you file your petition. If you don’t think you need an emergency order, or if a hearing is required, you must have a copy of the petition and a notice of hearing delivered to the abuser. The abuser will have the opportunity to attend the hearing and respond to the information in your petition. In this situation, the abuser will know you are asking for a PPO before you are protected by an order.
Enforcing Your PPO You might be tempted for many reasons to let the abuser do things which violate your PPO. Maybe you feel safe now that you have the order. Maybe the abuser promises things will be different. The abuser may ask to come to your house to pick up the children, but your PPO bans the abuser from coming to your house. Whatever the reason, you should not agree to behavior that violates your PPO. The abuser can be arrested for behavior that violates your PPO even if you agreed to it. If you want to change your order before it expires, you must go back to court and ask the judge to modify or terminate it. The Women’s Resource Center can assist you with this process.
If the abuser violates your PPO, you can call the police and report the violation. You can get support and information about enforcing your order by calling the Women’s Resource Center. You can also file a Motion to Show Cause asking the court to hold the abuser accountable for violating your order. For more detailed information about how to enforce your PPO contact the Women’s Resource Center.
Resource: http://www.womensresourcecenter.org/personal-protection-orders
Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.
Executive Director of Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services Rose Ludwick shares the story of DASAS, along with the services we offer.
We began serving our community around a kitchen table and the community spirit endures.
The Domestic Assault Shelter Coalition (DASC) (it won't become DASAS until 2007) was founded in August of 1984 as a grassroots effort by a group of concerned citizens which included the Three Rivers Chapter of NOW, human service providers, and law enforcement representatives. The purpose was to respond to the needs of domestic violence survivors and their children.
In 1985, the totally volunteer organization staffed a crisis hotline. In May, 1986, the donated use of a large house owned by the First Presbyterian Church of Three Rivers and Centreville made it possible for DASC to open an emergency shelter for domestic violence survivors and their children. To this day the church continues to "rent" the Shelter building to DASAS for $1 per year.
In 1989, DASC expanded its non-residential services to include offering support groups and providing crisis intervention in outlying communities in St. Joseph and Cass Counties. DASC made major renovations on the Shelter facility, including making the first floor accessible.
In 1993, DASC initiated a Task Force on Family Violence in Cass County. In 1995, this task force began the Volunteer Outreach Project (VOCA funded) to recruit and train volunteers to provide immediate outreach to survivors.
In 1995, DASC hired advocates to assist survivors with obtaining Personal Protection Orders in both counties' Courthouses. DASC brought together a coalition of criminal justice, health care, human service, and school representatives in St. Joseph County in 1995 to improve systems' response to domestic violence survivors. Within a year, DASC started a volunteer outreach project in St. Joseph County.
DASC finally realized a long-term goal of prevention education in 1995 when we developed a dating and sexual assault prevention program for middle and high school students (Healthy Relationships).
In 1996, DASC agreed to add Van Buren County to our service area (through our MDVPTB contract) and subcontracted with the newly-formed Domestic Violence Coalition, Inc. to provide non-residential domestic violence services in Van Buren County; survivors continued to use the DASC shelter for residential services.
In 2007, we changed our name to reflect the addition of sexual assault service. DASC became Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services (DASAS).
Here are the services available through DASAS:
- 24 hour toll free crisis hotline (800) 828-2023
- Outreach to survivors in their own community
- Supportive counseling
- Self assessment guide to assist survivors
- Weekly support groups in various communities and the shelter
- Assistance in obtaining and enforcing a personal protection order
- Legal advocacy and accompaniment to court hearings
- Access to clothing, emergency medical services, financial assistance, transportation and day care
- Information and referral to other services in the community
- Referrals to provide survivors and their families with safe, affordable housing.
- Parenting skills assistance
- Support and education for children who have witnessed domestic violence.
RESIDENTIAL SERVICES FOR VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT
- All services noted above
- 30 day no-cost emergency shelter in a group living setting
- Mother and child(ren) stay in one room
- Child advocate on site assists placing children in school, shelter adjustment and parenting skills
- Secure building with closed circuit monitoring of front and rear entrances
- 24/7 on site staff to listen, answer questions, offer support and provide information
Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.
A question often asked in domestic abuse situations is “Didn’t anyone see the signs?” In this episode we tackle this issue of abuse and warning signs. Executive Director of DASAS, Rose Ludwick and Deborah Hackworth, Director of Advocacy Services recently sat down to explore warning signs we see at DASAS and how to recognize domestic violence.
First Deb and Rose define "What is domestic violence?"
Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.
Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.
Signs of domestic violence isn't always broken bones and bruises. More often, abuse begins quietly and unobserved. A few of the red flag warning signs Deborah mentioned include*:
- Overly romantic - They may make you feel like they're the most romantic partner you've ever had. They may seem like they're too good to be true. They may say they've never loved anyone as much as they love you. They want your world to revolve around them.
- Intense, quick involvement - This may sound like "love at first sight" or that this person just "can't live without you." They may want to "be exclusive" right away, move in together right away or even get married right away. They want you to fall completely for them and "belong" only to them. If it feels too fast, slow it down and take your time.
- Previous abusive relationships - The abuser may have a history of abusive relationships. They will likely blame past victims, saying it was "just that person." They may say the previous partner just pushed their buttons and made them do it.
- Possessiveness and jealousy - If your partner wants you all to themselves, watches you to see if you're looking at or talking to other people, and constantly questioning you about your friends of the opposite sex, you may have something to watch out for.
*Each warning sign on its own may not be a red flag. Romance isn't so bad. Knowing quickly that you love someone deeply isn't inherently wrong. It's all about being aware of intent and the holistic view of the relationship.
Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 (800-799-SAFE)
A question often asked about domestic abuse situations is, "Why don't they just leave?" (or similarly "Why did you stay so long?")
Ellen Higgins and Deborah Hackworth explore this question and its answers with host Claudia Pahls on this episode.
First, the question should be reframed to "Why does the abuser keep abusing?" We need to stop blaming the victim for being in an abusive situation.
Even when a victim leaves, the abuse rarely stops. It may stop for them, but the perpetrator will likely continue to abuse if they don't change their behavior.
Also, since abuse is all about power and control, when a victim tries to leave and the perpetrator feels like they're losing that control, abuse escalates. With that in mind, and realizing that the relationship has its good times, leaving becomes difficult.
Deb illustrates the situation well with a metaphor. Each reason not to leave becomes a cinder block.
- Love- The victim still feels love
- Finances- The abuser may hold the finances and the victim relies on them
- Children- Victims worry about what will happen to their children if they leave
- Pets- Victims may worry about threats to pets
- No plan- It isn't the fairy tale we see in media that a victim just decides and leaves and the abuser realizes their ways. It takes on average 8 times for someone to try to leave before it's a permanent decision.
Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.
Today's guest Tara survived a near-death experience when her attacker strangled her, causing her to pass out. After years of abuse in the form of isolation, demeaning her character, physical abuse and more, this one night that nearly took her life changed her course.
For Tara, the struggle wasn't over though. Hear how the domestic violence, with alcohol and drug abuse, led Tara into depression, bad choices, and nearly losing her children.
Fortunately, as this is a Survivor Story, you'll also hear how Tara found hope and help, and how she gives that hope and help to others.
Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.
Transcript:
Thank you for joining us today for another episode of I'm not in an abusive relationship with us is Tara, who is on the other end of a domestic violence relationship situation. Thank you very much for coming to see us and talk with us, having me, we are going to offer this, you are going to offer the story of hope to our listeners today, because you have survived this relationship and looking back on it, you said earlier, that you wished you would have known then what you know, now but there was a lot that went on between when this began and how you have survived it. So if you would please share some of your story with us.
So, I think being the abusive relationship I didn't realize I was really an abusive relationship for many years, I grew up in a home, where violence was happening between my mom. And my dad, and then they got divorced, my mom remarried and between my mom and stepdad. There was a lot of domestic violence. And so that was just kind of the norm in our life, and having seen it happen twice with your mom.
That would make you think it was normal.
Yeah. And so it was just kind of that's the kind of idea. I got of what relationships where you just kind of moms, that's husbands and wives fight. And you just kind of dealt with it and went on. And so I was fifteen when I met my well he's my ex husband now. So when I met him fifteen years old and at that time, I life, I had started just kind of before that, you know, I was good kid in school played sports greats to all these things, and then became a freshman in high school. And I went to I party, and I seen people drinking and things like that, and that was kind of the family that I grew up in. And so I kind of gravitated towards that route, and I met him and we started drinking together and just hanging. Out and not fifteen. You think you know, everything? So everybody's telling you like he's not a person to be with.
Yeah. You think, you know, everything you think you know what love is in my idea of love is so distorted anyway. And so there were at first when I started dating at fifteen I was using like going out and drinking using marijuana tried cocaine acid all these different drugs, and that's kind of how our relationship started. And so it was like this excitement for me at that young age. And he was also part of that excitement.
I'm sure you're doing these things together this.
And so I look back today and see some red flags obviously, at that time on fifteen I didn't know anything about what red flags were, or an unhealthy relationship was so by seventeen I was pregnant with our first kid and so kind of solidified the relationship there, I think, as a female when you get pregnant, and you meet the man of your dreams you think that. That you're going to do whatever you can to have a healthy family for your children. And so I think I Nord so many different signals and red flags and different abusive things that were happening there wasn't any physical abuse up. I was mainly just, you know, mental abuse control isolation. I stopped hanging out with a lot of my friends in was just him. And whatever frontier allowed to have around us were you still in high school? Yes, go. I did go to high school arts. Good. Yeah. I did. I graduated from high school. So I'm not sure how. So between that and after I had my first son at seventeen we are using meth and we started using meth pretty heavily. And so I got to the point where I was so addicted to that. I needed it just even get up to go to school. And trying to raise a kid go to school, and then being relationship that was so abusive.
And so controlling somehow I'm sure by the grace of God, I was able to graduate high school that was something, you know that I really focused on wanted to do in my life. I think because when I found out, I was pregnant seventeen I had people tell me oh, now you're never going to quit school. You're going to be a high school dropout. And so, like, I had some kind of thing inside me that was like, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna be that person. I'm going to graduate in so I graduate.
That's amazing thing. I wish our listeners could see you because the things that you're saying, as I'm sitting here looking at this beautiful woman that you are wonderful person. You really are a story of hope it's amazing to me listening to what you're telling me.
So I graduated high school and really are my meth addiction really got increased heavily at that point, the abuse, obviously, when you have meth involved in anything, the abuse, intensified greatly just things like, you know, couldn't talk to anybody. If I talked to another guy, even if they're at our house, you know, then I was accused of having sex with that person. And just anything to the point where I almost like isolated myself right into the bedroom because I didn't want to have to deal with those fights and things anymore.
We had ended up, I had my second daughter, twenty one in a decided to that we needed to get married inside say that in giggle, because I'm just like thinking back to, like, what was going on between that seventeen to twenty one? Why did I decide to marry why like, but I think is still just that you know that idea of having a family. I've had my second child. And I kind of just figure like this is it. I mean, this is the relationship by men. This is my life. This is where I'm going to be for the rest of my life. And so we got married when I was twenty one or twenty two and.
Was he the same age as you or was?
He's a couple years older nothing matters. But sometimes when the male is a little bit older. Just you seem to depend more on him.
Perhaps, I'm not sure. And I was I was very dependent on him. I always try to think like I was going to be an independent woman, and, you know, growing up seeing my mom get abused. I always made those statements like I'm never ever going to get into an abusive relationship. I'm never ever going to drink alcohol. Never gonna use drugs, all these things that may turn into that. Exact I I never was going to be, and we got married and nothing changed. Everything was still the same still the abuse. Still the isolation still. All those. Yeah. Just all those same behaviors happened. We just had to children now instead of just one and I remember, just kind of being an a depression, but not even realizing that I was depressed. And so I mean it would've been anything, if you had to see me, you know, back then fifteen years ago, or whatever ran into me at the store and just, you know, my hair not done and no makeup on and stains on my shirts. And I just didn't care like I didn't care about really what I look like what I was doing just kind of stuck and they didn't have anything to look forward to. I mean day was the same.
So we ended up having a house fire and at that point, we stopped using meth, and we got clean, and we're living with his mom for a little while and things that you did that on your own. Stopped. I mean, got clean and stopped using that. Yeah. I think that people can. But I don't think it's true recovery because you still depend on other things like you still have those behaviors. And you still have that depression, and you still have that blah of life. You're not using the drug that kind of helped cover all those things up. That gave you, you know, that drug to help you numb those feelings or give you some kind of enjoyment in life or anything like that. And like, you know, he was very abusive anyway. So he said, we're going to quit. We are going to quit. And you know there wasn't any other. I mean he was pretty much you know, that's where I could get drugs from for a long time. And so I didn't go out and buy the drugs all my own all the time. And so, yeah, we had quit. We could on her own, but it was still pretty not real happy life.
What we had done was started going to church. I love church of God. But at that time, like, church was terrible for me because it was another form of abuse that he could use to control and so excuse me. Excuse me. And so we all know says, you know that wives are supposed to submit to their husbands and submit to God, but he took that and twisted that in the church that we were going to didn't really explain what being submissive met and so, my heart always aches for women. Who are Christian women who think that they have to stay in an abusive relationship, because God says that he doesn't like divorce or because you're supposed to submit to your husbands. And that's not what that meant at that time. I didn't know that. That's not what that meant, and so they need to finish the part of husbands value.
Your wife. Yes. Yes. And so, so for a couple years, we did that. And just. I just grew this hatred kind of towards God cloves thinking, like, what kind of God would want a woman in her children to be treated so terribly all the time and still think that he's the one in the right? And I just remember like having to walk this even straighter line than what I've ever had to walk before. You know, not saying certain things, listening certain things watching certain things always, you know, making sure we were going to church and being this perfect family. And you know what he said was right? And it was pretty I don't like hundred like any of that stuff of that time. And I couldn't really be around my family because my family still drink and their centers. And so, you know, there was another way that he could isolate me from being around my family and it lasted a couple of years when a church when he star falling from church, where he'd always say, well, you in the children need it, you and the kids need, and I'm thinking. Okay. Escaped him for a while. And so we of actually stopped going to church and I started using meth again, and I was sneaking around using it without him knowing. And you know, waiting to you went to work and I'd go get it and kinda just using that and he eventually found out that I was using meth and started using with me again.
And so, you know behavior store, they're the Beauce and control, and all those things intensified again because of the meth and we decided that my grandparents lived in Florida. So we decided that we should pack up and move to Florida and that everything would be better. We've just got away from this area. And so we packed up like just what we could put in a truck. And we headed to Florida we lived on there for about a year and a half, but at first, like I thought like things really were going to change like he had changed. And he was like just happy and doing stuff with me, and the kids and really kind of being involved in our lives. And but it didn't last long. I remember one night down in Florida. We went to. To out to a bar with some friends down there, and he wouldn't go out and dance music as other guy to go dance with me, and just not really thinking anything of it. And then we got in the car just hit me, and he called me all these names, and just like made I made them look like a fool, and blah, blah, blah. And it was just like what do even realize what I'd done, and he kicked me out of the car on the stark road, you have a phone or anything made maybe walk in.
My grandma came and looked for me. I remember grandmas said, you know what she is married? She is not dead. She deserves to be able to go out and have fun. And they really resonated with me because I was like that is true like that. Deadly I can write be that. I wanna have fun. But, you know, the behaviors continued on even Florida so you can change the place that you're at. But if you don't change those behaviors and change those thoughts than everything stays the same very true. I bet it was hard for your grandma to watch the second generation of this happened. Was it happening with her as well? Your grandparents did they fight as well as your parents. I didn't see them. But, like stories, I've heard that, you know, my grandma was an abusive relationships pretty much all her life, too.
So I never witnessed up time, you know, we got to that age they had pretty much settled down my grandma and grandpa and. But yeah. I mean so how did you begin to pull yourself out of this? So we got pardon with my third child. We moved back to Michigan, and I had been a certified nursing assistant. That's the job that I held. And so, I decided that was going to step out and apply to go to nursing school. And I got accepted into the nursing program at southwest Michigan college. This little ray of hope cutting Linda me too. I was like, I don't have to live in the same life that I've been living. I don't have to be dependent on him forever. You know, so many years of mental abuse of being told, you know, like you'll never be able to live on your own. You have kids to support you can't even get a job. And really, you start believing that, like I wanna ever be able to be my own. But then I got accepted into the nursing program when I was like, wait, like I think something, you know, I think things can chain. Right. We continue to fight and one night, we got into a huge fight, and I just decided, I grabbed my kids, and we left, and I went and. We've done with my mom and we're staying there. And I was just like this is I don't you know, I'm done. I don't wanna go back. There's a something going to nursing school, and just making like front like female friendships outside of the home from my job and things like that. And, you know, people just encouraging me and kinda speaking some life into me, and I moved in with my mom, and he called me, one night, and asked if he had a friend who wanted to go out and asked if he could meet up with me, and some of my friends, and we all go out together and so- sake. Sure. That sounds fine. And so I actually met him at his house. I drove over there Madam at his house, and we rode to the bar together. Some friends there and then started drinking, and it was time to go home.
So he had to give me a right back to my car. And so on the way home we started arguing, and I you know, just told him that I I don't love him anymore. And I wanted to voice I want just to be done. You know. And I thought honesty, would be the best to policy that time. Again, I wasn't aware of, like all the all the statistics of domestic violence, and so he did not take lightly to that. And he pulled drove into this field that was astound from his house, a little bit and p pulled into this field and jumped out of his truck, and I remember, like I have anywhere to go at it. Like I was gonna try to jump out the other side before you could get the door open, and he opened the door and grabbing my feet.
I'm so sorry that all this happened to you. And I'm re we all appreciate of course, you are emotional. We appreciate you being willing to share the bad parts so that we can see how you got to the good parts, and I do want to reassure our listeners looking at you right now you did get to the good parts.
I'm sorry. And tell the story lot. I don't know. It's hard today. It's hard today. So he pulled me out of the truck, and get me, sir choking, me and started telling me that I didn't deserve to live and that might kids student deserved have me for a month, and that he could snap, my neck ain't nobody nowhere care. Gosh. Remember I passed out when I came back to like, I remember just kind of like this peaceful feeling over me, and then I realized where I was kind of started getting upset again, and he got back on me and started, you know, choking on me again in. I just asked him as to just think about dean my son and I are really close, and he never been really close to his dad think teen, teen needs me. I don't know. I'm not really sure what happened except I know that God has a bigger plan for my life than that night. That's for sure. It was really strange. Like he just picked me up and set me on his lap and started hugging time, how she loved me and he just wants me to come home, and let's quit school. Let's put my job and I guess, I will have a great idea. Yes. I'm going to quit school. I'm just gonna come home and got back down to his house in his sister was there and. Oh, she was just do this to you, my face had from being choked, had bruising and stuff on it, and I asked her to call the police, but she wouldn't call the police, but she said, she'd, give me right home.
So she gave me a ride home to my mom's house, and I was so scared, and I called the police a very first time ever called the police on him. So I called the police in the police came, and I was so scared that he was going to show up because he told me so many times in my life, you know, if you ever call the police, if you ever call the police, and the police came, and they did a report on omen told me that they'd have to call child protective services because with the domestic violence protective services and so I was just like devastated because you hear so many horrible stories in child protective services gets called. And so, I was, you know, in my mind, this is a bad idea, I should have called the police, and he was arrested and he was charged with. Started at disturbing the peace and I think just like just mastic violence, which isn't a very heavy charge like misdemeanor or something. And so thinking ended up spending like two weeks in jail for that and was got out before thanksgiving. An. Mary, his whole family. So mad. Oh, yeah. And start his mom actually babysit my kids by worked, and I remember her calling the next day into saying, well, you know, I don't think it's a good idea that I babysit the kids for you anymore. And just like it was really awkward and odd to me that everybody knew how he was. But yet, when it came down to it, nobody wants to stand behind you.
Sometimes, I think you just feel completely alone.
Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure you see abusive to them as well. It was very yes. He was abusive person. So it didn't take much to set them off in him cuss everybody's mom's grandparents whoever, you know all the time and everybody just kinda tote around OMB as he's just, you know, he's got anger issues, and oh, he had horrible childhood, and, and I fell into that, like, oh, you know, he'd just had such a horrible childhood. Like that's why he acts like that today. But no, he doesn't matter what your childhood is, like everybody has the bright in the opportunity to change and make better choices, and it doesn't mean that you get treat people the way that he treated me. No, no. Yes. Going forward doesn't mean where you came from, but making those choices to go forward on purpose. You can blame some of those actions on your pass behavior, but you still are making your choices going forward.
So, so what happened then from there?
I would like to say the I got hooked up with domestic violence services and everything was great, and I changed my life. But honestly, what I did is sunk further into my addiction started go into the bars a lot using Methuselah, actually, I'd be at the bars pro more than I was at home. You know, talk my kids in at night, and then head off to the bar, and I remember coming home and seeing my son, still awake at three o'clock in the morning and he had school the next day and just thinking, like I was the only thing that they had that was really stable was not a stable person whatsoever. You know is very unstable very unhealthy at that time, I'm seeking I don't know relationships and just becoming involved very surfaced with other men, and I don't know. I guess is trying to find some how to, you know, he'll those hurts and well, deep down. I think you believe twenty told you about yourself. So, you know, trying, trying to, to stay abused almost if that makes any sense, right? Yeah.
Before you're able to climb out of that home. Another guy and hit just gotten out of prison. For cooking meth. And so. We started dating and he moved in with me, and my children and didn't take long before we are houses rated and found with them lab in the house. So CPS didn't get involved, the first time for my domestic violence, because the kids don't witness it. So see piston get involved, but this time they did what the meth Lebanon house. They got involved, the man that. I was with at that time he was arrested and went to jail, and actually went to teen challenge, and I had my children, removed and I just started sinking into anything that was offered to me. So domestic and sexual services was one of the requirements that I had to do. And I'm so grateful that that was a requirement. I think that it should be requirement in every, like ninth tenth eleventh grade class, just to learn what domestic violence is in that you don't have to live in that, that there is something different for you.
So I started doing those classes I going to church started just getting involved in everything counseling and therapy and substance use therapy, and yeah, just my life started changing. I started seeing myself in a different light. I started seeing myself as somebody who didn't deserve to be that beat up abused person that I did have there was smart. And that was a good mom, and that I was able to be an independent woman that it always wanted to be and. The guy that I actually got bus with and went to teen challenge. He completely changed his life, and we are married today. That's a good story. Yeah. And so, yeah. And so we have a really healthy marriage today. Like is totally different. Like I said earlier, when I think about my story back that I just wonder sometimes, like how low myself esteem, must've been in how broken a person, I must have been to stay in a relationship, where I was always degraded and always treated so, terribly in there are good men out there, who want to love us want to treat us as equals want to be good to us. And I'm blessed I found that man and I have a really just a beautiful life today.
That's wonderful and your kids are with you. Yep. Yep. So we went through the CPS case got that I'll close my kids returned home. I was able to get my felony expunged off my record because I'd been charged with the possession of meth charge that was a felony says able to get that expunged. And just through the encouragement of so many people in my life, I was went back to school. Cool. I have a master's degree now in social work, and that's fantastic. So I work, I'm a substance use counselor no therapist now and volunteers much as I can with domestic and sexual abuse services. I just love this agency so much and just wonderful. Yeah. The hope they give to people and just the love. They give to people when people don't feel lovable at all. I didn't feel like I was worth love and feel like I was worth anybody's time really to help. This has been awesome. And now you get to teach other women and people that they are worthy of love and a good life and everything going forward. Absolutely. Yes, I can imagine your clients are so lucky to have on because, you know exactly where they come from what they're dealing with. And that they really can get out of, oh, you gotta use of. That's wonderful tear. Thank you so much. I am thrilled to have been able to meet you and just all of our listeners that have got to be inspired by what you shared with us.
Thank you for listening to I'm not in an abusive relationship. These stories resonate with you in, you need help. Please visit our website. www.dasasmi.org. Or call our hotline 800-828-2023. We are here to walk alongside of you. If you know someone who might benefit from our show, please share social media, email. or simply telling someone about it. It all helps us spread the word and helps us to combat domestic and sexual violence. We also welcome financial volunteers support. That information is our website. Thank you to the staff, volunteers and board of directors at Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services. This podcast is produced with the help of a committee dedicated advocates. Thank you WBET radio in Sturgis, Michigan for the use of their studio. This has been a podcast about surviving domestic, and sexual violence and production of Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services of Michigan.
Ellen Higgins and Deborah Hackworth talk with Claudia Pahls about domestic violence in this episode. It's not about anger, it's about power and control.
"An abuser isn't 'out of control.' They control themselves - they aren't abusing random people. They control their anger and abuse and focus it on their victims."
Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.
Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating.Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.
Power and Control Wheel
You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:
- Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you.
- Does not trust you and acts jealous or possessive.
- Tries to isolate you from family or friends.
- Monitors where you go, who you call and who you spend time with.
- Does not want you to work.
- Controls finances or refuses to share money.
- Punishes you by withholding affection.
- Expects you to ask permission.
- Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets.
- Humiliates you in any way.
You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner has ever:
- Damaged property when angry (thrown objects, punched walls, kicked doors, etc.).
- Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or choked you.
- Abandoned you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place.
- Scared you by driving recklessly.
- Used a weapon to threaten or hurt you.
- Forced you to leave your home.
- Trapped you in your home or kept you from leaving.
- Prevented you from calling police or seeking medical attention.
- Hurt your children.
- Used physical force in sexual situations.
Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.
From signs of jealousy to demeaning comments to obsessive behavior, red flags about teen dating violence can slip through undetected. For Tori, her teen dating violence story ended with her safely out of the relationship. It's not always that way.
Tori is also a Child Advocate for DASAS. As she works with children, she understands what they're going through as a survivor herself.
As a Child Advocate, Tori brings the Healthy Relationships program to schools. She teaches students what healthy relationships look like, how to find help when a relationship turns unhealthy, and how bystanders can help.
Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.
How do you recognize dating violence in your teenager's relationship? Is jealousy a red flag? What about wanting to know "Who are you texting and talking to?" a normal part of teen dating?
In this episode Claudia Pahls talks with Deb Hackworth, Director of Advocacy Services, and Tori, Child Advocate for DASAS. They cover healthy relationships, specifically among teenagers. This episode features some warning signs, tips on how to deal with the situation if your teen is in an unhealthy relationship, and more.
Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.
How does trauma like sexual assault affect us? Licensed master social worker and DASAS therapist Elizabeth Alderson explores how trauma impacts people. Whether it's sexual assault or other trauma, we're all affected differently.
- Fight, flight, or freeze
- Where does trauma affect us?
- How can you find healing?
- What happens to our bodies and minds during trauma?
Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.
Abi shares her story of sexual assault to offer hope to others facing abuse.
Two instances of abuse shaped Abi's journey. A female babysitter first assaulted Abi when she was a child. "I didn't know it was wrong. I didn't know that adults (teenager) shouldn't do that." Between the ages of 4-and-6 years old, Abi's mom hired a family member to babysit her and her brothers. She remembers this teenage babysitter pretending that Abi was asleep.
Years later as a teenager herself she realized what happened and knew it was molestation. At the time, her boyfriend encouraged her to keep it hidden so the perpetrator and Abi's family wouldn't be "traumatized" by the revelation.
Eventually Abi was able to face the assault, understand how it impacted her, and begin healing.
Years later as a freshman in college, Abi was studying with a male classmate who assaulted her. Eventually she left the college. It wasn't until a class at a different school that Abi realized that services existed to help survivors heal from their experiences.
Both traumatic experiences affected Abi in different ways, which she shares in her conversation with DASAS Executive Director Rose Ludwick.
Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.
Welcome to I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship.
Elizabeth Alderson and Ellen Higgins speak with Claudia Pahls about myths surrounding sexual assault.
Most assaults are not strangers hiding in the shadows.
Victims and survivors aren't just women.
Men aren't the problem, but they are a major part of the solution.
Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources.
The Domestic And Sexual Abuse Awareness panel takes on the #metoo movement and its impact on sexual assault awareness.
How has #metoo affected reporting?
Has #metoo triggered more reports?
Where did #metoo start?
How do you talk to children - and when - about appropriate touch and inappropriate touch?
I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship takes on Sexual Abuse Awareness Month. Host Claudia Pahls welcomes a panel from Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services to the show. Our panel: Deborah Hackworth, Director of Advocacy Services; Rose Ludwick, Executive Director of DASAS; Elizabeth Alderson, Licensed Master Social Worker & Therapist.
What is sexual assault awareness month?
What is denim day? Why denim?
For the past 20 years, Peace Over Violence has run its Denim Day campaign on a Wednesday in April in honor of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. The campaign began after a ruling by the Italian Supreme Court where a rape conviction was overturned because the justices felt that since the victim was wearing tight jeans she must have helped the person who raped her remove her jeans, thereby implying consent. The following day, the women in the Italian Parliament came to work wearing jeans in solidarity with the victim. Peace Over Violence developed the Denim Day campaign in response to this case and the activism surrounding it. Since then, wearing jeans on Denim Day has become a symbol of protest against erroneous and destructive attitudes about sexual harassment, abuse, assault and rape. In this sexual violence prevention and education campaign we ask community members, elected officials, businesses and students to make a social statement with their fashion statement by wearing jeans on this day as a visible means of protest against the misconceptions that surround sexual violence.
Denim Day is April 24, 2019!
How does sexual assault awareness month help survivors and prevention?
Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources.
Welcome to our new podcast. I’m happy you’re joining us, as we explore the hope in what can seem like a hopeless situation. The numbers can feel overwhelming with 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experiencing severe intimate partner violence.
However, our goal with “I’m Not in an Abusive Relationship” is to bring you stories of hope to inspire, and conversations with experts to offer insight and advice.
This is a weekly show, so be sure to subscribe wherever you’re listening.
The inspiration for the show and the name of the podcast came from a survivor. In her story, she referenced the fact that she didn’t see herself in an abusive relationship. She didn’t think it was “that bad.” Our hope is that anyone in that situation can hear their story in these episodes, find hope and find help.
On behalf of the staff, volunteers and board of directors at Domestic and Sexual Assault Services, and the producers of this podcast, we are all humbled to be able to bring you this podcast.
If you need any resources, please visit the website. “dasas-m-i-dot-org” or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.
Welcome to “I’m Not in an Abusive Relationship.” I’m Claudia Pahls. Until next time, here’s to hope.