The Emergent Experience Podcast: Recent Episodes
Monique Scott, Satoya Foster
The Emergent Experience is a podcast started by 2 best friends that explore questions and practices about life and personal development.
S3 E4 | Ask a therapist: What is therapy?
Welcome to Season 3 Episode 4 of the Emergent Experience Podcast
Synopsis: We always talk about seeking mental health professionals and not being shy about therapy to get the help you need. So today, we are talking Mental Health 101 with our guest, Dr. Audrey Brutus. Dr. Brutus was born and raised in Brooklyn, NY by parents who immigrated to the US from Haiti. She completed her MSeD and PsyD with a bilingual extension in Haitian-Creole. Currently, she is working as a regional Bilingual Special Education Specialist. She has a private practice and is a professor at Pace University. You can learn more about Dr. Brutus in the show notes and on our website at theemergentexperience.com, where you’ll find her info in the Psychology Today Directory.
In this episode we discuss the following questions:
What is therapy?
How many different kinds of therapies are available?
How does therapy promote healing?
How can therapy be used to help you reach your goals?
*What are the different mental health professionals available? What is the differences and the necessity for a psychiatrist vs a psychologist etc.
How does one choose a therapist and is there such a things as the “right therapist?
Is there any preparation necessary for a therapy session?
What does a typical therapy session look like?
How should a client participate in the therapeutic process?
How does a person know that therapy is working?
How long can one expect to be in therapy?
Dr. Audrey Brutus will provide great information and resources about the therapeutic experience, education, and beyond.
“Psychotherapy -- also called talk therapy, therapy, or counseling -- is a process focused on helping you heal and learn more constructive ways to deal with the problems or issues within your life. It can also be a supportive process when going through a difficult period or under increased stress, such as starting a new career or going through a divorce.
Generally psychotherapy is recommended whenever a person is grappling with a life, relationship or work issue or a specific mental health concern, and these issues are causing the individual a great deal of pain or upset for longer than a few days. There are exceptions to this general rule, but for the most part, there is no harm in going into therapy even if you're not entirely certain you would benefit from it”.-PsychCentral.com
About Dr. Brutus:
I was born and raised in Brooklyn by parents who immigrated to the United States from Haiti. I majored in psychology at Pace University and graduated cum laude with my Bachelor’s in Psychology. I remained at Pace where I earned admission into the School-Clinical Psychology PsyD program. During my five graduate school years, I completed my MSeD and PsyD with a bilingual extension in Haitian-Creole, focusing my doctoral project on researching the underutilization of mental health services among Haitian people.
In graduate school, I completed school and clinical internships. I also completed the Psychologist in Training program with the NYC Board of Education, which led to my first bilingual school psychologist position in Brooklyn, where I worked for 3 years before taking a bilingual school psychologist position in the behavior management program in Rockland county, where I worked for 7 years. During that time, I also opened my private practice and began teaching undergraduate psychology courses at Pace.
Recently, I have begun working as a regional Bilingual Special Education Specialist. I continue to have my private practice and is a professor at Pace University. In my private practice, I predominantly provide individual therapy to adults and special education testing for children, including bilingual Haitian-Creole evaluations.
Psychology Today Directory Link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/audrey-brutus-nanuet-ny/139601.
Related links:
https://psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
Additional Resources:
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
Join the private FB Group
email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
www.practicingredemption.com
Quote:
“Courage doesn’t happen when you have all the answers. It happens when you are ready to face the questions you have been avoiding your whole life.”
― Shannon L. Alder
Topic: Black History
Synopsis: Black History Month is Every February and we share our thoughts and some of your listeners' thoughts about how it’s celebrated.
Questions: Black history month is coming to an end. Are you satisfied with how it was celebrated at work, home, school, or in your community? Black Black
Welcome to the Black History Episode for 2020
In this episode we discuss:
Our experience with black history
Should we have black history month? Some people think we shouldn’t
What our listeners thought
History of Black History
Harvard Trained Black historian Carter G Woodson announced that there will Negro History week this idea was birth in 1925 with his organization Association for the Study of Negro Life and History
He wanted to raise awareness on African American contributions to civilization
In 1976 it was acknowledged for an entire month
Kaye (anonymous)- shared that her daughter's school did a good job. They learned and sang songs related to black history and she dressed up as Sarah Mapps Douglass. Researched, presented, dressed as Sarah Douglas. Felt it was done tastefully
Tanysha_bellcurve (instagram) I am dissatisfied with how it’s celebrated at my job ... the only acknowledgement of anything black MLK and it's nothing how they do it... just a memo
as far as in my home
... well my mother is West Indian and always reminds me to "know who you are" " be true to yourself " ... so no it's not celebrated.
For the most part I celebrate by just reading articles or Something that pops up on my feed.
My community my African American friends celebrate, which I enjoy. Which is going to an all black poetry type of thing, welcomed by all, a black/sorority function, step dancing ... etc. you name it I am there.
Related links:
https://africanamericanhistorymonth.gov/about/
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
Join the private FB Group
email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
Music Credit: Circle Session (@thecirclesession)
QUOTE:
51st NAACP Image awards
"How many of us in this room have colleagues and partners and friends from other races, sexes, religions?, Well then, they want to break bread with you, right? They like you? Well then, this is their problem too. So when we're marching and protesting and posting about the Michael Brown Jr.s and the Atatiana Jeffersons of the world, tell your friends to pull up." -Rihanna
Emmys 2017
“I’m rooting for everybody black!” -Issa Rae
Topic: Admitting when you're wrong, why is it so hard?
Synopsis: Do you ever get that uncomfortable feeling in your chest, your throat or shoulders, when you've made a huge mistake and automatically become defensive? Are you able to admit when you're wrong?
Welcome to the 4th episode of this season!
In this episode we discuss:
How and when we were introduced to the act of wrongness
The importance of being wrong and failing, and the ability to learn
What does it mean to be wrong? What does it say about you?
Practicing the admission of being wrong
Books and resources can be utilized as help
Cognitive Dissonance -the stress we experience when we hold two contradictory thoughts, beliefs, opinions or attitudes. That uncomfortable feeling when all that you believed about yourself, you are nice, you are smart, you are fair, comes in question by an act YOU made.
There is a rigid way of thinking that can cause many of us to stunt our evolution/growth. There is also a huge factor that we can pass down these same behaviors to your children, and it can affect our relationships in general.
We tend to justify by looking for fault in others, to avoid admitting to something we did that may be off setting. Unfortunately this also will backfire with your relationships. Think about it, if someone is constantly NOT validating that they hurt you, or they made a mistake that affected you, at some point resentment builds, communication halts, and you just start to have a strong distake for that person. Is it work that?
Power and Control. A European study, found that people who refused to apologize had more self esteem and control than those who did. These relates to power and control. If I admit my wrong doing to the other person they now are at my emotional mercy do they forgive and spare my shame, or do they hold on and make me suffer in my shame. This is pretty deep! That means we become vulnerable for a period in time.
How do you change your behavior to learn from your mistakes?
Start questioning the reason for your discomfort during a time you make a mistake
Find safe people you can talk to about it, people who you know will not judge you, so you can practice this and get good feedback
Get familiar with your defence mechanisms, you know the ones you use to justify or reframe everything? Yea so learn and recognize that pattern so when you hear yourself doing it again, STOP
People are more forgiving than your think, also show strength in your imperfectness and are willing to change and accept faults!
Lastly, find a therapist who you can work on this, there may be something very deep rooted that you need to process and release.
Related links:
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/22/smarter-living/why-its-so-hard-to-admit-youre-wrong.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-in-world/201012/how-admit-youre-wrong
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
Join the private FB Group
email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
QUOTE:
It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgment, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character.
-Dale Turner
S3 E3 | Blind Optimism
Welcome to Season 3 Episode 3 of the Emergent Experience Podcast
Synopsis: What is blind optimism and in which ways can it be a barrier to being present?
In this episode we discuss:
What is blind optimism (also known as “Irrational Optimism”)? “[A] person [who] has a warped vision of reality, which is based on desire, not how things actually are.” -Psychology Today (Link is below)
Examples of blind optimism
The culture of blind optimism
Why it’s necessary to have a realistic view on situations
Church and blind optimism
Leads to a lack of diligence because people become unwilling to engage and do the work necessary to fully be a part of the process of change, growth, and redemption.
James 2:17 So too, faith by itself, if it is not complemented by action, is dead.
“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it?” Luke 14:28
Proverbs 14:23 In all toil there is profit, but mere talk tends only to poverty.
2 Peter 1:5-7 For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self- control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.
Is there a “happy” medium how do you get there?
The New Yorker Article:
“According to a great deal of research, positive fantasies may lessen your chances of succeeding. In one experiment, the social psychologists Gabriele Oettingen and Doris Mayer asked eighty-three German students to rate the extent to which they “experienced positive thoughts, images, or fantasies on the subject of transition into work life, graduating from university, looking for and finding a job.” Two years later, they approached the same students and asked about their post-college job experiences. Those who harbored positive fantasies put in fewer job applications, received fewer job offers, and ultimately earned lower salaries. The same was true in other contexts, too. Students who fantasized were less likely to ask their romantic crushes on a date and more likely to struggle academically. Hip-surgery patients also recovered more slowly when they dwelled on positive fantasies of walking without pain.”
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Planning an event with your friend but has no preparation or knowledge about how to successfully execute or you get fired from you job, have this notion that “things will work itself out” yet you fail to prepare your resume, or even acknowledge my you were fired in the first place? Where is the curiosity in that?
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Blind optimism and this over stressed culture of “positive vibes only or positive thinking only” foster distance and can stunt authentic relationship.
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You want to yield the best outcome for your life. Walking blindly can only set your up for failure in all areas of life.
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Many of us have been taught to pray away every possible opportunity that could be harmful, alarming, or distressful. Instead of acknowledging what is REALISTICALLY needed to get through it we “fairytail” our way in and out and sometimes never out!! For instance you had a health scare, and you worked diligently with your Medical Providers to get better. You fail to acknowledge in your testimony the hard work you and your medical providers put in to get a positive result. It perpetuates the blind optimism in others and put others at risk for poor decision making that could mean life of death. May sound a little extreme but we’ve seen and lived through this.
Luke, one of Jesus’ disciples, was a physician.
“Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. (Mark 2:17a)”
Technically speaking, if someone were to exercise faith in a particular situation, they’d need to have some insight and ability to admit that something is wrong.
- We should meet things with more inquiry or curiosity. Imagine this invisible spectrum where blind optimism in on one end and pessimism is on the other. On the Blind optimism end you walk through life with no question, let things fall how they fall, no acceptance of the uncomfortable things that may come with the decisions you make or with in a given situation. You refuse to take personal responsibility and continue to make the same choices over and over. You miss opportunities for growth and success or severely delay it.
On the pessimistic end you can become incredibly inactive, stunted, angry, “analysis paralysis”, you scrutinize every little detail, and see the worst outcome in everything, you take the responsibility that nothing or no one can change it, even yourself. The results are the same on either end. There has to be balance.
Related links:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-happiness-advantage/201103/are-you-irrational-optimist
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/can-positive-thinking-be-negative/
https://www.newyorker.com/business/currency/the-powerlessness-of-positive-thinking
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
Join the private FB Group
Website: www.theemergentexperience.com
email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
Quote:
Either you deal with what is the reality, or you can be sure that the reality is going to deal with you.
– Alex Haley
S3 E2 | Negative Thinking
Welcome to Season 3 Episode 2 of the Emergent Experience Podcast
Synopsis:
In this episode we discuss:
What is negative thinking?
Negative thinking is the inability to see positive results or positive spin on thoughts, events, anything in that matter. The individual will view the most negative or worse outcome in any situation
How does negative thinking differ from being realistic?
Being realistic allows a person to analyze all possible outcomes and see the most likelihood of an option whereas a negative thinker will only see the most negative grotesque outcome.
Don’t confuse constructive criticism with negativity.
How to deal with the Debbie Downers in your life
What to do if you are the Debbie Downer?
Seek therapy.
Practicing gratitude.
Psychology Today:
- Negative Rumination
Rumination is a kind of negative thinking in which we get mentally stuck and keep spinning our wheels without making progress. Rumination can make you more and more anxious as you keep thinking of more and more negative outcomes that could possibly happen. If you feel lonely, you may think about being lonely forever, never meeting the right partner, never having kids, losing all your friends, and ending up alone in a ditch. Ruminating can also make you feel depressed. You may focus on how bad you feel, why you feel so bad, what you did wrong to get in this situation…………
What to Do Instead: Pay attention to when your thinking starts to get repetitive or negative. When you notice rumination, make yourself break the cycle. Get up and do something else:Go for a walk or reach out to a friend (but don’t continue the rumination out loud by whining to them). Try to change your thinking to a problem-solving focus that is more deliberate and strategic.
- Overthinking
Overthinking is when you go over and over different choices in your mind, trying to imagine every possible outcome and everything that could happen in the future, to make sure you make the perfect choice. Your focus is on avoiding mistakes and risk. The problem with overthinking is that it’s an attempt to control what isn’t controllable.
What to Do Instead: Limit the time you spend thinking about a decision before acting. Give yourself a deadline to decide, even if it feels uncomfortable. Only allow yourself to research a few alternative options — not every one. Don’t be so hard on yourself: You are only human, and it’s not the end of the world if you make a mistake. You can learn from it. Overthinking results from anxiety, so practice stress-management techniques like yoga, running, nature walking, or meditating.
- Cynical Hostility
Cynical hostility is a way of thinking and reacting that is characterized by angry mistrust of other people. You see other people as threats. They may cheat you, take advantage, let you down, deceive you, or otherwise cause you harm. Cynical hostility involves interpreting other people’s behavior in the worst ways.
What to Do Instead: Try to get some distance from your judging thoughts. Notice when you begin to think distrustfully, and deliberately think of alternative ways of seeing the situation. What are some more benevolent or less toxic motives for people’s behavior? Learn to reserve judgment and look for the evidence before labeling people. Notice how your own behavior may be pushing people away or prompting them to react negatively to you.
Related links:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201708/3-negative-thinking-patterns-avoid-what-do-instead
Additional Resources:
Negative Thinking: How to Transform Negative Thoughts and Self Talk into Positive Thinking:
https://www.amazon.com/Negative-Thinking-Transform-Thoughts-Positive/dp/1492782637
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
www.practicingredemption.com
Quote:
“Some people grumble that roses have thorns; I am grateful that thorns have roses.” -Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr
S3 E1 | Exploring Your Core Beliefs
Welcome to Season 3 Episode 1 of the Emergent Experience Podcast
Synopsis: How your core beliefs shape the way you live your life.
In this episode we discuss:
Why is it important to know what your core beliefs are?
What are your beliefs about what is good? What isn’t?
How do you formulate your values?
family/ finances/ health/ etc.
Are you aware of your core values?
Religion informing core values?
Have we evaluated our embedded beliefs about being created in God’s image? This directly informs what we believe about ourselves and others.
In what ways are your core beliefs forming you?
What do your actions indicate about you and your core values?
How to change or reframe negative core beliefs?
Use the power of narrative. Read other people’s stories and process and see if you can find similarities in their story.
Pay attention to your family dynamics.
Practice consistency.
See a therapist.
Prompting Questions: Value Assessment
What motivates you and why?
What makes you happy?
What brings you joy?
What brings you peace?
What are the beliefs you have about who you are?
Are these beliefs true?
Do you feel worthy?
Do you believe that you are enough?
Are you able to make a separation between who you are and what you do?
What is your belief or understanding about pain/emotional/physical discomfort/ undesirable circumstances?
Do you trust yourself?
Resources:
Developing Balanced Core Beliefs:
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/~/media/CCI/Consumer%20Modules/Improving%20Self-Esteem/Improving%20Self-Esteem%20-%2008%20-%20Developing%20Balanced%20Core%20Beliefs.pdf
Eight Things That Happen When You Really Get to Know Yourself:
https://joinblush.com/eight-things-that-happen-when-you-really-get-to-know-yourself/
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
Email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
Quote:
People travel to wonder at the heights of mountains, at huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering.
-Saint Augustine
S2 E6 | Not Your Parent’s Parenting: Learning How to Parent Our Own Way
Welcome:
Welcome to Season 2 Episode 6 of The Emergent Experience Podcast!
In this episode, we discuss the complexities of parenting.
Do we know our parenting styles?
Sharing our personal parenting styles.
Where do we learn our parenting styles?
Where did we learn our parenting styles?
How do you incorporate or remove parenting styles that you have experienced into your own upbringing?
In which was do we differ from the parenting styles of our parents?
How can we become the parents we desire to be?
There is not such thing as a perfect parent.
We are all learning as we go.
Self-awareness, self-reflection, and humility–always be open and willing to apologize.
What if you didn’t have parents?
What if you were raised in the system?
Psychology Today Article (Link Below)
Toxic Behavior
*These questions have been adapted from the Psychology Today article for you to reflect on these questions regarding your parents and for yourself as a parent.
Here are some questions to ask yourself about your parents’ behavior. If this conduct is chronic and persistent, it can be toxic to your self-esteem.
Did they/ Do you tend to overreact or create a scene?
Did they/ Do you use emotional blackmail?
Did they/ Do you make frequent or unreasonable demands?
Did they/ Do you try to control them? (“My way or the highway"?)
Did they/ Do you criticize or compare you?
Did they/ Do you listen to them with interest?
Did they/ Do you manipulate, use guilt, or play the victim?
Did they/ Do you blame or attack you?
Did they/ Do you take responsibility and apologize?
Did they/ Do you respect your physical and emotional boundaries?
Did they/ Do you disregard your feelings and needs?
Did they/ Do you envy or compete with you?
Some Truths About Having Toxic Parents
Healing a relationship begins with you — your feelings and attitudes. Sometimes working on yourself is all it takes. That doesn’t imply that your parents will change, but you will. Sometimes forgiveness is necessary, or a conversation is required. Here are some things to think about when it comes to your family:*
Your parents don’t have to heal for you to get well.
Cutoffs don’t heal.
You are not your parents.
You're not the abusive things they say about you either.
You don’t have to like your parents, but you might still be attached and love them.
Active addiction or abuse by a parent may trigger you. Set boundaries and practice non-attachment.
You can’t change or rescue family members.
Indifference, not hatred or anger, is the opposite of love.
Hating someone interferes with loving yourself.
Unresolved anger and resentment hurt you.
5 ways to break the cycle:
Acknowledge your own abuse. The first and perhaps most difficult hurdle in breaking the cycle of familial abuse is recognizing it. The question of how to discipline is a cultural one: The methods that are considered acceptable vary with when and where you were raised. Newman says that looking back with an objective perspective is crucial. “Being grown-up gives you the distance to separate out what you think of as harmful or hurtful patterns so you don’t transfer them to your children,” she says. She also recommends resisting the urge to adopt an “it doesn’t matter; I turned out fine” mind-set to bury negative emotions. “Those feelings won’t evaporate,” Newman says, “and their pain will manifest in other ways.”
Recognize the risks (and ask for help). The scars of trauma are often deeper than we realize. A study conducted by UCLA researchers found that prolonged abuse causes wear and tear to the mind and to multiple body systems, and it changes the way a person’s brain responds to and processes stress. Any parent who has dealt with a toddler tantrum knows that stress comes with the territory. An overreaction to that stress could lead to physical violence toward the child, or to what Newman calls “humiliation parenting” — chipping away at a child’s self-esteem with negative and berating talk, often in front of others. In addition to therapy, Newman suggests talking to close friends or a spouse if you’re prone to verbal snapping, because it can help you relieve tension and develop healthy coping skills.
Set boundaries with the older generation. Severing contact with a parent — even an abusive one — is difficult and rare. A University of Cambridge study of familial estrangement reported that most adult children maintain some form of contact with their parents — even those who cited emotional abuse, neglect and traumatic events. The presence of grandparents can be positive for children as long as the older generation respects the boundaries of their adult child — both personally and when it comes to their choice of parenting style. “You can coexist by saying to your parent, ‘You had your turn at parenting; this is my turn,’ or ‘I know you have your grandchild’s best interest at heart, but we don’t agree with that way of doing things,’ ” Newman says. “Stand firm on that because now you are the parent and the most influential role model for your children.” And if the grandparents can’t respect your parenting role? “It’s time to reevaluate the relationship,” Newman says.
Celebrate success as it comes. Raising kids is challenging even in the best circumstances, and eschewing decades of poor parenting habits takes work and courage. Celebrating positive changes, even small ones, will reinforce the bond with your children and help heal your painful past. “When you have a good result in parenting, it’s incremental in rebuilding your self-esteem,” Newman says. “It’s important to say to yourself, ‘I have tried hard and followed my instincts and emotions and I succeeded.’ ” Allow yourself to feel proud for taking another path.
When you feel vulnerable, examine your motives. Mistakes are the common thread of parenting; we all make them, and not all of them will shape our kids in adulthood. Still, it’s difficult to make confident choices when you’re worried about how your experiences might affect your child’s well-being. If you feel untethered in your words and actions, Newman suggests taking time to question your motives. Stripping away frustration and focusing on the goal can simplify your emotions. “If you ask yourself, ‘Why am I yelling at my child?’ or ‘Why would I hit them?’ you’re going to come up short,” Newman says. “And that’s where the change begins.”
Related links:
Washington Post - Abusive Parenting Styles Can Be Inherited. Here are 5 Ways to Break the Cycle
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2018/05/04/abusive-parenting-styles-can-be-inherited-heres-are-5-ways-to-break-the-cycle/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.546f219ef5c5
Psychology Today - 12 Signs of a Toxic Parent
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201808/12-signs-toxic-parent
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
Join the private FB Group
Email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
www.practicingredemption.com [Under Construction]
Resources:
Books
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges
Quote:
“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.”
– Robert Fulghum
S2 E5 | Making Friends As An Adult
Welcome to the 5th episode of The Emergent Experience Podcast!
In this episode we discuss:
Why is it so hard to accept new people as adults?
History of betrayal
Poor communication/unspoken and unrealized expectations
Poor insight of our own needs and lack of self awareness
Uncomfortable with change/anxiety
Over analyze adult interaction or person
Why is it important?
Encourages self growth by learning about others and how to interact with many people
We learn about ourselves in our interactions with others
We broaden our reach to new opportunities
There are some amazing kick ass people out there with energy thats electrifying or as calming as the sea
What are five ways to make new friends as adults?
First know yourself. Know what your needs are and your core values. This is key when choosing friends.
Join groups, clubs, social events of interest
Start a conversation,
Take it a step further have coffee/tea
Anxiety much? Get to know people with in the social circle you often find yourself in
Take social media networks a step further meet in person, start a social meet up?
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
Join the private FB Group
email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
www.practicingredemption.com (UNDER CONSTRUCTION)
Quote:
Friendship is the most underrated relationship in our lives. It remains the one relation not bound by law, blood, or money — but an unspoken agreement of love.
— Hanya Yanagihara
Topic: Mentorship: The Do’s, the Dont’s, and Why’s
Welcome:
Welcome to Season 2 Episode 4 of The Emergent Experience Podcast!
In this episode we discuss:
How Not to Find a Mentor: 8 Successful People Share How Not to Find a Mentor
(From article on Fast Company. Link below)
1. It’s About The Person, Not Their Position
For me, mentorship is vital. I absolutely attribute a lot of my success to being in a position where I had a lot of great mentors, people I could go to and ask for advice. The quality of your mentors is really important as a young individual in the workplace, because it really shapes your perspective on how work should be done. For example, if you have a mentor that isn’t the most forward thinking or honest, I think that can be a bad thing. I’ve been very blessed to have had mentors that are incredibly honest and transparent and are quality leaders, and I think it has really helped shape who I am as a person.
2. Don’t Always Expect A Relationship—Mentors Come In All Different Forms
One key bit of advice I would give is not necessarily to look for someone that you can build a relationship with, but look for someone who you can ask a very simple question to, who can reply to an email very easily to you. What is it that you need? Don’t look so much on, let’s sit down and have coffee or let’s have a cocktail, but what is the one thing that you need this particular person that you’re seeking a mentor from to actually guide you through? Because I think that’s what has helped me a lot is when there’s a certain question that I have, and I kind of point it to the right person that I know who can actually answer it. It takes the pressure off the person who is being asked.
3. Instead Of Insisting On Coffee Or Dinner Meetings, Be Flexible
In the 35 to 45 [age range], you have mothers who operate and think very different than dads. Why? Because mothers want and need time at home with their children. That time after work is precious, so no matter how amazing the event is, they probably won’t come because family matters more. So when I’m networking, I can’t think like a 29-year-old single guy. I have to think like the target I’m trying to attract. The same thing applies to young Levo women. Don’t approach them in the way that’s most comfortable for you. Approach them where they’re at and with them in mind. For example, I’ve found that coffees aren’t really the most effective way to meet people in certain demographics. It’s imperative that we all try to find alternative and new ways to connect with people. That’s a very important lesson I’ve learned over the years.
4. In Addition To Looking Up For Mentors, Look To Your Right And Left
It’s critical to celebrate and lift your peers. People are chasing potential mentors, and we should always have a mentor or two, but support and rock with your peers. That girl standing next to you could be the one to hire you in five years, or could be the one contact at a major brand whose sponsor dollars you need. It’s a tiny planet and relationships are everything!
5. Your Mentor Usually Finds You (Not The Other Way Around)
My mentors found me working. My boss was my mentor when I got my first full-time job when I was 25. My first boss literally taught me how to order from restaurants because I was a black girl from Inglewood, California, and I had never had sushi, I had never been to Mr. Chow, I had never been to a restaurant on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, but with this new job I had meetings there. She helped me with everything from my skin to my hair to what to order. She bought me my first gift card to Barney’s; I remember thinking, “What is Barney’s?” The sheer fact that I had to go into Barney’s was a mentoring experience. It was exposure, which I believe is your greatest education. Your mentor usually finds you doing great work. People think that mentors come with angel wings and fall from the heavens: “I am your mentor.” It’s usually not like that. It’s usually somebody who helps you in a certain aspect of your life and grooms you.
6. Don’t Always Look For Someone Like You
Search for role models you can look up to and people who take an interest in your career. But here’s an important warning: You don’t have to have mentors who look like you. Had I been waiting for a black, female Soviet specialist mentor, I would still be waiting. Most of my mentors have been old white men, because they were the ones who dominated my field.
7. Don’t Ask A CEO For The Roadmap—Ask For Advice On How To Navigate
Being a mentor is about just believing in somebody and caring enough to share your knowledge. My mentors don’t necessarily have the answer to everything, but what they can do is to share wisdom and experiences. When I meet someone that I want to be my mentor, I just want them to tell me stories. I just want to sit with them and soak up as much history from their lives as I can. There is this richness in history and the wisdom that comes from experience that trumps any kind of smarts.
To me, that’s what mentorship is: drawing from that wisdom. When someone who is 25 is asking me questions now at 34, that’s what they are asking for. They aren’t asking me to just tell them exactly what to do. They are asking me to care enough to give them the proper story for what they are looking for in their life at that time. Because that’s exactly what I ask for. I tell my mentors exactly what’s going on with me and I ask, “Is there anything in your life that you can draw from to help me?” They’ve been there. I want to learn from the mistakes of the past. I want to learn from the successes.
8. Remember To Give And Take—Don’t Be A Greedy Mentee
Mentorship is about being able to empower each other, being willing to listen, give advice and coach people. In so many facets of my career, mentorship and the idea of empowering each other has been a huge factor in my success. Whether it was fundraising or general advice, finding people who are willing to talk to you about the process and believe in you and share their experiences has been a huge help to me. It’s like a sisterhood. I love the opportunity to mentor other people and share my experiences, and hopefully have people learn from my mistakes and successes.
9. Mentorship Is Not A Life Vest
Mentorship is not a life vest. You cannot reach and claw for people to save you from the deep end, or even save you from the shallow end— some people are looking for mentors in the shallow end, not even doing anything that warrants a mentor. It should be mutually beneficial. I believe that if you’re looking for someone to help you and you’re not bringing anything to the table, that’s really not cool. You should always bring something to your mentor’s life. My mentor has never paid for a meal with me—I pay for every single meal because I appreciate her. She was the one who pushed me to stop selling myself short. She would say, “Myliek, you’re better than this.” She pushed me until I finally believed it.
What is mentorship?
A type of relationship where resources are exchanged to help an individual expand their knowledge base. This knowledge is to be applied so their immediate professional goals are accomplished
Our personal experiences with mentors.
Why would you need a mentor?
Things to have in place when looking for a mentor?
You need to know what you are trying to achieve.
Be specific about your goals
Too many goals may deter your mentor
How to identify a mentor?
Be open. It may not always be of benefit to you to find a mentor that is exactly like you.
"Search for role models you can look up to and people who take an interest in your career. But here's an important warning: you don't have to have mentors who look like you. Had I been waiting for a black, female Soviet specialist mentor, I would still be waiting. Most of my mentors have been old white men, because they were the ones who dominated my field." Condoleeza Rice
Different types of mentors
Books and resources can be utilized as 'mentorship.'
Healthy Mentorship
Good mentorships are led by the mentee.
You have to have the initiative.
You should already know what you wants but they provide you with help and guidance.
Don’t waste their time.
Know what you need and what you want when going into a mentorship relationship.
What you think you want or might be the right way, they may have different approaches or tools that you can utilize.
Related links:
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
Join the private FB Group
email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
www.practicingredemption.com
Resources:
https://www.fastcompany.com/3052068/8-successful-people-share-how-not-to-find-a-mentor
Quote:
“The delicate balance of mentoring someone is not creating them in your own image, but giving them the opportunity to create themselves.” — Steven Spielberg
S2 E3 | Imposter Syndrome
Synopsis: In this episode, we are talking about imposter syndrome.
In this episode we discuss:
What is imposter syndrome?
It is a belief that you’re an inadequate and incompetent failure, despite evidence that indicates you’re skilled and quite successful. (fast company.com)
- Impostor feelings are generally accompanied by anxiety and, often, depression (APA)
We all deserve to be here
Why do we have this feeling after success? “Sometimes prior to success”
Where did it come from?
We often use or hear “I don't care about what people think” but on the contrary we do.
Imposter Syndrome Categories
Sources: fastcompany.com; Valerie Young, Pauline Rose Clance, PhD, and Suzanne Imes, PhD, Y
The Perfectionist
set excessively high goals for themselves, when fail to reach a goal, experience major self-doubt and worry about measuring up
Common signs: Micromanagers, difficulty delegating task to others, work must be 100% perfect, 100% of the time
The Superwoman/man
push themselves to work harder and harder to measure up. cover-up for their insecurities
harm not only their own mental health, but also their relationships with others.
Common signs: Down time is stressful, wasteful, and uncomfortable. Hobbies fall to the wayside. Even with numerous degrees and visible achievements you still feel inadequate
The Natural Genius
if they have to work hard at something, they assume they must be bad at it. set their internal bar impossibly high, judge and base their success on getting things right the first time
Common signs: Do you often avoid challenges because it’s so uncomfortable to try something you’re not great at? Were you the type to always achieve straight A’s or gold stars? Always considered the “smart one” in your family or peer group?
The Rugged Individualist
Feels asking for help reveals their vulnerability, this feeling like an imposter
Common signs: Strongly feel that you need to accomplish things on your own? Feel you dont need anyones help? Do you frame requests in terms of the requirements of the project, rather than your needs as a person?
The Expert
deeply fear being exposed as inexperienced or unknowledgeable
seeking out trainings or certifications because you think you need to improve your skills in order to succeed
been in your role for extensive amount of time but continue to feel like you still don’t know “enough”
What are some practical things we do about it?
Talk to your mentors
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone who has been in your same situation can validate your feelings of insecurity. Alsoe bring light that these are very normal and common feelings and also irrational.
Recognize your expertise or what i like to call it Give power to your expertise
Don't just look to those who are more experienced for help, impart your knowledge and experience to students, who are in the very beginning of their journey
Remember what you do well
write a list of the things you're truly good at, and areas that might need work.
Realize no one is perfect
Appreciate the success of all your hard work, go on a nice vacation, buy yourself that camera you've been watching, live life and enjoy it!!!
Change your thinking
Instead of working long hours cut it down to realistic times, know that you are capable of completing tasks without excessive time spent, it takes time to change how you approach your success
Talk to someone who can help
Psychologists or other therapists can provide tools to help you combat this way of thinking give you tools, make you accountable, and provide the support.
Sources & Related links:
http://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/fraud.aspx
https://www.fastcompany.com/40421352/the-five-types-of-impostor-syndrome-and-how-to-beat-them
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
Join the private FB Group
Email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
www.practicingredemption.com
Quote:
“When you know you're ENOUGH!
When you stop focusing on all things that you're not.
When you stop fussing over perceived flaws.
When you remove all imposed and unbelievable expectations on yourself.
When you start celebrating yourself more.
When you focus on all that you are.
When you start believing that your perceived flaws are just that - perception...”
― Malebo Sephodi
Welcome to Season 2 Episode 2 of The Emergent Experience Podcast!
Listen to our previous episode on self-care - http://www.theemergentexperience.com/podcast/2018/3/27/s1-e5-conversation-on-self-care
In this episode, we are interviewing Cordelia Gomez AKA Evolution Mama. Cordelia is a busy, but proud MAMA of 5, and certified health coach. She is firm believer that self-care is necessary for mothers and that mothers should prioritize themselves, while taking care of the ones they love.
We discuss:
What is EvolutionMama?
What services do you provide? What are the goals/outcomes for the women you work with?
What can other mothers do to incorporate selfcare?
Learn more at EvolutionMama.com
In this episode we discuss:
How Evolution Mama started
How we neglect ourselves, as mothers
Personal experience
When she stepped back to take care of herself
The importance of prioritizing self-care as a caregiver
Advice for single mothers and mothers who are married
3 actionable self-care tips that moms can do right now
Related links:
Evolution Mama
Cordelia’s Contact Information:
Facebook: @evolutionMama
Instagram: @evolutionMama
Website: www.evolutionmama.com
Email: hello@evolutionmama.com
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
Join the private FB Group
email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
www.practicingredemption.com
Quote:
Self-care is not selfish but necessary.
You can’t pour from an empty cup so take care of yourself first.
Evolution Mama
S2 E1 | Can we really have it all?
Introduction:
Our lives seem to be about everyone and everything else but where do our goals and dreams fit into this equation? We are Daughters, Wives, Mothers, Sisters, Friends, Business Owners, Employees, and Students. We want balance, financial stability, and fulfillment. Is it possible for us to have it all?
Questions:
• Why do we think we can’t have it all and where did this come from?
• Is it possible to have it all at one time?
• How can we find the balance?
• What does “having it all” look like?
• Does feminism lend to the idea of us wanting it all or feeling like we are living less than satisfactory lives?
◦ What is feminism
http://wgs.eku.edu/what-feminism-0 (eastern kentucky university)
“Feminism is an interdisciplinary approach to issues of equality and equity based on gender, gender expression, gender identity, sex, and sexuality as understood through social theories and political activism. Historically, feminism has evolved from the critical examination of inequality between the sexes to a more nuanced focus on the social and performative constructions of gender and sexuality.”
“Feminist theory now aims to interrogate inequalities and inequities along the intersectional lines of ability, class, gender, race, sex, and sexuality, and feminists seek to effect change in areas where these intersectionalities create power inequity. Intellectual and academic discussion of these inequities allows our students to go into the world aware of injustices and to work toward changing unhealthy dynamics in any scenario.”
◦ Does gender identity play a role in what we believe we can have?
Each woman needs to define what it means to have it all.
• What does this look like for us?
We can have it “all.” We may not be able to have it all at one time, but in the context of our existence, we can.
Quote:
“If any female feels she need anything beyond herself to legitimate and validate her existence, she is already giving away her power to be self-defining, her agency.” Bell Hooks
Housekeeping:
Feedback/Topic Ideas/ Questions- email us at hello@theemergentexperience.com
Join our Facebook Group: @theemergentexperience.com
Welcome to the 6th episode of The Emergent Experience Podcast!
In this episode we discuss:
-Relationships and self love
-Prerequisite to sharing yourself and love with someone else
-Love Languages
-Getting know me: What are your must haves in a relationship?
-How does this tie in with loving yourself?
Related links:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
www.practicingredemption.com
Quote:
MAYA ANGELOU: Well, at some point — you only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great. I feel that — I really have felt almost my life that I wouldn’t live long. And now I’m doing a pretty good job, you know. But…
BILL MOYERS: You’ve lived. Prophet — somebody said a prophet is a person whose predictions have been proven wrong long after they are forgotten. Maybe that self-prophecy will prove to be forgotten.
MAYA ANGELOU: I hope. Anyway, but …
BILL MOYERS: Do you belong anywhere?
MAYA ANGELOU: I haven’t yet.
BILL MOYERS: Do you belong to anyone?
MAYA ANGELOU: More and more. I mean, I belong to myself. I’m very proud of that. I am very concerned about how I look at Maya. I like Maya very much
Self-Care
About self-care
What is self-care?
From PsychCentral: Self-care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. Although it’s a simple concept in theory, it’s something we very often overlook. Good self-care is key to improved mood and reduced anxiety. It’s also key to a good relationship with oneself and others.
What it isn’t
Something that we dont force ourselves to do, popping bottles or molly. Self-care isn’t simply getting a mani/pedi or buying shiny new things that you love.
-considering our personal needs,
ARTICLE: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/08/10/what-self-care-is-and-what-it-isnt-2/
http://www.phillyvoice.com/self-care-real-deal-millennial-obsession/
What did self-care look like for the previous generation
Was the act of self-care something that was modeled for us?
How to know when you’re in need of self-care
Self-neglect
Constantly putting the needs of others above oneself
Abstaining from important mental, physical, or emotional work, ultimately for the betterment of self
How do we practice our own self-care
Take the time to identify/assess what you need
What makes you happy? What brings you joy? What brings you peace?
You have to identify where you are before you can begin the process of self-care.
Create the space necessary to take care of yourself
Put phone on ‘do not disturb’ and leave in another room
Log out of social media accounts
Say No to all the overwhelming invites that you really don't want to engage in
Saying no to others means saying YES to YOURSELF
How to practice self-care with limited resources
Go for a walk and take in the scenery
Turn off everything and engage in some deep breathing
Take hot shower and nice body scrub with essential oils (Lavender is my favorite)
If you are at work practice going on you break, many people tend to work through their lunch
Find a quiet place to read
Take some time to journal through thoughts, feelings, and ideas
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
Join the private FB Group
email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
www.practicingredemption.com
Words to live by:
The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.
Diane Von Furstenberg
Synopsis:
It’s Black History month! We are talking about mental health in the black community. Join the conversation!
Welcome:
Welcome to Season 1 Episode 4 (Part 2) of The Emergent Experience Podcast! Some of what is written in the show notes is information that connects with Part 1 of this topic. Feel free to jump back to S1 E3 to get caught up before listening to this one!
In this episode we discuss:
-
Mental Health in the Black Community
-
Depression & Anxiety
-
Mental Health & Individual Care
-
Mental Health & School Trauma
-
Stigmatization of Mental Health & Treatment in the Black Community
Related links:
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
ACES Exam: http://traumadissociation.com/ace
ACES Ted Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma_affects_health_across_a_lifetime
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
www.practicingredemption.com
Quote:
Trauma creates change you don’t choose. Healing is about creating change you do choose.
- Michelle Rosenthal, CPC, NLP, CHt
Note: This episode was recorded in February 2018.
It’s Black History month! We are talking about mental health in the black community. Join the conversation!
Welcome to Season 1 Episode 3 (Part 1) of The Emergent Experience Podcast!
In this episode we discuss:
Mental Health in the Black Community
Depression & Anxiety
Mental Health & Individual Care
Mental Health & School Trauma
Stigmatization of Mental Health & Treatment in the Black Community
Related links:
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
ACES Exam: http://traumadissociation.com/ace
ACES Ted Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma_affects_health_across_a_lifetime
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
Join the private FB Group
email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
www.practicingredemption.com
Welcome to Season 1 Episode 2 of The Emergent Experience Podcast!
In this episode we discuss:
The New Years resolution hype, you know the one where you pledge to lose 700 lbs in 2 weeks?
The Body Positivity Movement and what it entails
The definition of health
Some of the hindrances to having good health health
What healthy looks really looks like
Related links:
http://www.thebodypositive.org
https://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/adult.html
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4241770/
http://blog.myfitnesspal.com/health-every-size-healthy-really-look-like/
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/150999.php
http://kxan.com/2016/12/28/gym-memberships-spike-and-then-sharply-decline-after-new-year/
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
Join the private FB Group
email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
www.practicingredemption.com
www.uncommonbeautycollective.com
Quote:
“The conversation is no longer about skinniness. It’s about wellness. A much more exciting conversation to have”.
Alexx Stuart
Welcome to Season 1 Episode 1 of The Emergent Experience Podcast!
This is our first episode ever!
In this episode we discuss:
What is the Emergent Experience?
What was the catalyst for our personal emergent experiences.
Connect with us:
Facebook :@theemergentexperience
Twitter: @theemergentexperience
Instagram: @theemergentexperience
email: hello@theemergentexperience.com
Monique: www.moniquelscott.com
Satoya: www.satoyafoster.com
www.practicingredemption.com
www.uncommonbeautycollective.com
Quote:
We have been called to heal wounds, to unite what has fallen apart, and to bring home those who have lost their way.
Francis of Assisi