Heather's Refinement Blog: Recent Episodes

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The beautiful birth of our seventh childMonths eight and nine of pregnancy always make me question my sanity in getting pregnant in the first place. This time was especially hard, because… JULY. After two months of misery, being pushed to my absolute bodily limits, puking at night from heartburn, feeling like I couldn't breathe in the thick Virginia humidity with a baby's feet in my lungs, hobbling around with pressure in my leg from ugly varicose veins, and bearing guilt from not having as much patience with the kids as I normally do, I was READY for baby. (And you know how much I love babies!!!) I was ready long before my due date, and I was getting annoyed that my body makes such big babies.

I was taking daily belly pictures, thinking surely this will be the last one before labor begins! And I was mentally trying to pump myself up for home birth. It was hard because I already felt like I needed an epidural just for being nine months pregnant—how was I going to push out a baby with this much strain on my body already? I had to repeatedly go over why I prefer natural birth. (I'd list those reasons here, but read on and maybe you'll gather why.)

Two days before Rose was born!

At 39 weeks 6 days of my pregnancy, I woke at 9 a.m. to Rose kicking—the best way to wake. It was a gorgeous sunny summer morning, and I'd had a miraculously great night's sleep with no heartburn. I went downstairs—which I've kept meticulously clean and with fresh flowers in all the vases for weeks—and found all the kids and Jeff playing together on the playroom floor—no fights to be heard! It was a heavenly bliss. As much as I hate being 3rd trimester pregnant in Virginia's stifling heat, THIS was the reason summer is a great time to have a baby!

Fresh pink roses ready in anticipation for baby Rose!

I started grating and juicing lemons to make lemon blueberry muffins from scratch, and started frying bacon, when out of the blue, my water broke!

I had really wanted to not have it break before labor, since thats how it happened with my previous birth and that one had been my MOST painful!

But God knew this was right for me. Maybe I would have not gone into labor until much later because of my mental hangups about it— I felt like I hadn't been allowing my body to relax enough because the chaos of our big family life and noise and messes. My nesting urges were so strong, and I wanted the house just right before baby could come! And we all know that an artist's work is never complete!

I wasn't having contractions and knew it could be awhile, so I finished making breakfast , changed clothes, and announced to everyone that my water had broken... to everyone's loud cheers!!! They've been expecting this announcement every day for weeks! Jeffrey prayed safety over the delivery and over our baby. We ate jovially and I started getting nauseated knowing what was coming. So we called the grandparents and midwife so everyone could begin to mobilize.

When all the kids were rounded up into the van, I started feeling my first twinge of sadness and sentimentality. Pregnancy is always a time of buoyancy and gladness and peace for me, so I knew there was some sort of hormonal shift happening. I felt like I needed to look into every child's face and tell them how much I loved them. I also was reminded that there's always a chance that the worst could happen and I may never see them again. Thankfully, God flooded me with serenity and I was able to stop my tears.

With everyone out of the house, (it almost felt like a tropical vacation), and Jeff tasked with mowing the lawn and cutting more fresh flowers for me from the yard, I was able to pray and focus on getting my body prepared for labor. I showered and blow-dried and curled my hair and put on a cheery blue dress! Then I started the Miles circuit, which is supposed to help baby get into an optimal position and speed up labor. You do 30 minutes of an inversion position, then 30 minutes exaggerated left side lying, then stair walking. Everything I tried to do was interrupted by gushes of more of the water leaking! I'd leave little puddles on the wood stairs every time I went up to change out of the wet clothes. Contractions weren't getting stronger, though.

So I vacuumed, did a full load of laundry, ironed our pink table runner, and mentally soaked in the peace and quiet that I wouldn't get any time soon with a newborn coming! This is one of the beauties of home birth— all your nesting is for the very real purpose of preparing the very space where your baby will be born. Your space is tailored exactly to you, and when the birth pains come, you can sink into the familiarity and privacy of the surfaces, textures, lighting, smells, and cleanliness of the spot YOU chose. The first medical intervention a birthing mother can take is to leave the comfort of home. It changes your very physiology.

The sun shone and the blue skies were clear and I was SO THANKFUL. I needed that cheer to ward off any dread about what was coming. I made a point of smiling, even alone to myself.

By 4 pm the contractions were still not strong, but I knew even a little bit can dilate you! My midwife came for a casual stop-in (with no intention of staying) and gave me a quick dilation check—5 cm! Yes! She chatted with us for a while, and we discussed going out to buy a newborn carseat and walking the stores. Clearly, labor wasn't in earnest just yet. My midwife agreed to leave, and maybe go home for dinner—she lives an hour away— but I think she knew something I didn't. Because she parked her car at the bottom of our long driveway and then texted that she'd only go to the other midwife's house who lived nearby. And within those moments my contractions turned into the real deal, and we let her know we were not going out after all. She'd return by 6:45.

I sat myself down in our brand new white glider in the bedroom, pink lemonade and contraction tracker in hand, and knew I wouldn't be leaving that floor of the house until baby was in my arms. Somehow my mental hard-work mode was turned on full-blast, and that concept didn't overwhelm me. Things felt calm and homey.

Just two hours before the birth!

However, I was getting the shivers, which is how I usually feel when transition (typically the hardest/most painful part of labor, right before pushing begins) kicks in! I was getting eager for the midwives to arrive so I could go get in the tub for some (hopeful) relief. I felt like if I got in alone, the baby may come too quickly and they'd miss it! I hadn't hit that "I can't do this" and "I want to quit" and "Someone else do this" stage, which I was fully expecting...

Everything after that was a blur of peace and intensity! The midwives slipped in quietly, set up the room, and checked baby's heart-rate. Baby blankets were being heated with the heating pad, and the bedsheets were changed to dark durable grey. Then I put on a powder blue top and got into our barely-used white iron tub. We'd already set up fresh roses in the bathroom and I'd bought super fluffy new organic towels. It was so pretty in there!

I'd hated the tub and water with Colette's birth—it had felt like pain attacking my skin— but this time it was exactly what I needed. The bathroom door was shut, and I was alone with my task. God had fully equipped me for this, as He did for the billions of women who've gone before me. I kept picturing the warm water softening and stretching everything, and with each contraction, I was able to feel thankful that I could do this— what an honor to be entrusted with the gift of motherhood.

By 7:30 p.m. the contractions were becoming extremely long, all over a minute, and one was 5 full minutes with no break at all. Jeff came to check on me and get me more drink —he knows I like to be alone with my pain, but also that I like that someone is concerned about me.

I was shivering and shaking like crazy. It was time to find a simple object to focus my eyes on— all other thoughts are just too heavy when your body is transitioning like that. I looked at my feet, and the orchid pink toenail polish color was calming and creative to me! Perfect!

Now I was feeling pressure at the base of my spine. I waited out a few contractions like that, and yep, my body was pushing! I was internally celebrating—my last two births hadn't given me that baby ejection reflex! This must mean baby is in a good position for a smooth exit!!!

I could barely get a breath out as things were SO intense, but I called, "Hey, guys!!!" Nobody heard me the first time! Then I called again and they scrambled in, moving all the birth supplies into that room, and Kelly checked me. Fully dilated with a bit of cervical lip! The contractions had become searingly painful. But at that point, my body just started pushing hard. I immediately felt the head descending—praise the Lord. I remember that feeling from the other births. There's nothing like it. You're delivering a REAL WHOLE HUMAN BEING into the world. The head felt BIG.

With the slightest fear that baby may be bigger than Wesley was (10 lbs 8 oz), I closed my eyes and readied myself to push with every ounce of energy I had. But I didn't need it because with two more huge almost involuntary pushes, baby's head was out (cord wrapped around her neck). And as the midwife advised me to take it slowly, my body just started pushing out the rest of her body! I leaned back on the iron tub as I pushed—feeling baby's shoulders a little more than other births—and ended up with a bruise on the back of my head for days afterward. My teeth were sore from clenching too! (Jeff said from his perspective, it looked like I took only one long push to get her entire body out, and I didn’t take a breath the whole time! He said I had a huge vein in my neck popping out that he’s never seen at any time except during the pushing phase of childbirth!)

And just like that, she was out! With the swift draw-up of my newborn from the water to my chest, I exhaled with,"Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!" And the midwives echoed, "Thank you, Jesus!" as they covered baby with warm blankets. And our healthy, chunky baby cried as Jeff knelt down next to us, his eyes tearful, a proud dad. It was 8 o'clock and the sun was setting in pink and gold, the sky full of glorious Michaelangelo-style clouds, and the room was filled with the warm light. Can you even believe we got a birth like this?!

Moments after she was born!

  From the start of intense contractions to the birth was only *three hours*!

After we'd stared at our newborn, waited for the cord to finish pulsating (she needs all of her blood from the placenta!), cut the cord, and delivered the placenta (which was a little more difficult than I'd remembered), I was able to go from the tub to the bed and drink some celebratory orange juice! I felt great. And I said several times, "I am SO GLAD that's over!"

I had no tearing, very minimal blood loss (I think that was due to my focus on eating slices of parmigiana cheese, which is high in vitamin K, every day of third trimester!), and baby was alert and happy.

We named her Rose Verity, meaning beautiful truth. She will know the Truth of her Creator and Savior, Jesus, and reflect Him everywhere she goes.

She looks a lot like her mama, with my square face, and thin lips, and my longer piano fingers and toes. Her tiny voice is adorably feminine. And she weighed 9 pounds 10 ounces, and measured 21" long, our second biggest newborn! (When I heard the midwife say 10, I thought for sure she was 10 pounds!) I'd bought newborn size diapers in hopes of having a tiny baby, but they didn't fit her! I am always shocked how my body can grow such huge chunkers when I can barely eat 1200 calories a day during my third trimester. Where does it come from?!

   The midwives slipped away into the night as quietly as they'd come in, after giving mama and baby a good looking-over, and instructions to daddy. During the many months of hour-long prenatal appointments, the midwives become like trusted family. Once their job is done, I don't get continually poked and prodded and awoken by strangers. They trust my maternal instincts will do what they're created to do.

After the midwives left that night, baby Rose set out to establish a solid milk supply for herself, by nursing relentlessly till morning. She wanted to maintain her chub! And she gained a full pound her first week of life!

The first morning after birth!

  She joins our Christ's-kingdom-minded family, excited to train her up in the way she should go! Every one of the kids is in love with her and wants 6+ kids of their own one day, which means they have a positive view of big families and pregnancy and birth and babies! (That's shocking considering how miserable I felt the last month or so of pregnancy.)

We're looking forward to a gorgeous autumn with this new baby, a season of new beginnings. Our new homeschool year will be more challenging with a nursing infant, but also more hopeful. Food tastes better for me while breastfeeding, so I'm already picturing the pumpkin, broths, roasts, yeasty breads and creamy coffees of the next several months. And I'm envisioning our autumn walks on the local battlefields and mountains and apple-picking with Rose all snuggly in her wrap. We all rejoice with every baby milestone, except for maybe the fussy teething stage. After having done the newborn stage five times, I know how demanding the breastfeeding and attachment building is, but I savor the preciousness of this tiny baby time more than ever.

I don’t take any of this for granted. God is so good to allow babies to be part of His plan for us. What a treasure to be entrusted with. So much blessing to steward. I love being a “fruitful vine” (Psalm 128:3).

Our family of EIGHT!

  Blessing upon blessing.

  Mama and baby.

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The last two years, our world was turned upside down by out-of-control power-drunk politicians, and we look out over this wreckage and wonder where on earth did things go wrong?

Why were people OK with...

• their children being kept home from school, forced to endure vastly increased screen time, when they were at 0% risk from the virus? Why were they masked, when everyone knew it would hurt their long-term ability to communicate and relate to other people?
• lockdowns and their freedom utterly erased?
• mandates being seen as laws?
• 10s of thousands losing their jobs and small businesses, and many of them forced into poverty? many of them committing suicide from hopelessness?
• experimental risky vaccines pushed upon them, without regard to their religious views, their prior immunity, or their desire to take on that risk?
• police chasing down single joggers or single surfers on the beach?
• convicted criminals released early back onto the streets?
• churches closed, pastors arrested for simply opening their doors?
• snitch lines opened and neighbor turned against their peaceful neighbor?
• people's faces --the Imago Dei, the very sacred image of God -- being forced to be muzzled and covered? their very human existence vastly changed?
• people burning down buildings and beating shop owners to a pulp, while media called it "mostly peaceful"?
• when moms who were concerned about obscene pornographic books in their kids' schools were labeled domestic terrorists by the government that was supposed to be protecting them?
• when politicians said taxpayers and parents shouldn't have a right to say what their kids were learning?

Still today, my own husband isn't allowed in his office due to his personal beliefs about forced pharmaceuticals. (I'm so proud of him for taking a stand for our family.)

Seriously, what happened to our country?People stopped doing their duty of being We The People. Actually, they never knew their role from the very beginning. The government school system taught them to be blindly obedient to the State.

That's why they didn't just say, "No!" to all the travesties that occurred all around them in the past two years. And that's why to this day, they don't know what a precious gift we were given by God in this country's unique form of government, where they absolutely CAN and SHOULD say no to assaults on their rights. And EVERY SINGLE ONE of us needs to learn our history and Constitution so that we can restore this Christian nation to its original ideals, and transform it to something even better that it has ever been.

TEACH YOUR CHILDREN Teach your children to be thankful for the freedom they've been given by God. Tell them the history of every other nation up until the US, and how blessed they are to live here. Tell them about the more than 100, 000, 000 people who were killed under Marxist Communism. Tell them about how we were freed from over 2,000 years of the totalitarian kings in Europe who claimed to rule us by "divine right." Tell them about the life of brutality and poverty and looting and murder under every form of government that has existed throughout history...until the principles of Christianity began to drive nations toward respecting their neighbor's rights.

Because we love our neighbor as ourselves, we want freedom from tyranny for them. We desire the peaceful life that is birthed out of the Biblical framework. The concepts of honoring others' Life, Liberty and Property rights come directly from the Bible.

The civil government was never meant to provide for us or educate us or do anything for us beyond wielding the sword (Romans 13) to punish evildoers who violate your God-given rights to life, liberty and property. The civil government has been taking authority that never belonged to them.

God's design is SO much better than an all-powerful global government (shudder!) could ever conceive. His design is to create self-ruled people (according to God's moral law), who govern their families well and provide for them and educate them, and churches who govern and lead the local body spiritually, and then these moral people create local representative government to punish evil. The closer to home these governments are, the better they can serve the individual interests and needs of these self-ruled peoples…and they can FLOURISH.

So here are a few good tools for learning about liberty. This is not nearly an exhaustive list, but this will give your family a great start. Don’t wait for a school to teach this to your children — the Marxist public schools are actively working against these principles. Don’t wait for the perfect curriculum to lay it out neatly. It’s time to reclaim your responsibility to your kids and neighbors to teach them how to preserve their freedom.

| | American CovenantBy Marshall Foster This book goes into the covenant the Pilgrims made with God asking for His blessing and the spread of Christianity in this land, and how we can restore it! |

| | Sovereign DutyBy Krianne Hall This is one of my most highly recommended books on this list! KrisAnne Hall is a constitutional attorney, and gets you FIRED UP about the Constitution and your rights. She tells you what your duty is as a citizen of this country, and how you need to get to work. |

| | God & GovernmentBy Gary Demar Scholar Gary explains from both history and the Bible how a Christian should interact with their government, how to resist tyranny, and how the United States is unique in our founding values. This book is ESSENTIAL to your home library. |

| | A Christian Manifesto: 25th Anniversary EditionBy Francis A. Schaeffer If you're a Christian, you need at least one Francis Schaeffer book. This one shows how we got to this terrible humanist immoral state of affairs and what a Christian's responsibility is in changing it. We are to resist tyranny as an act of love for neighbor, and be salt and light to everyone around us! |

| | Liberty DefinedBy Ron Paul Ron Paul puts forth the cause of liberty very simply. His wisdom and consistency in the legislature through the years is like that of a modern-day founding father. He's had a huge impact on my life! |

| | The Bill of RightsBy James Madison and George Mason It's a small book you can carry everywhere. Have your children memorize them! Know your rights so you can protect them when people (especially government) try to infringe them. I knew our governor had no authority to tell us to "stay home" and away from church and friends, thanks to having memorized my rights! Also worthwhile: a copy of the Declaration of Independence and a printout of your state Constitution! |

   Notice the Beautiful “Liberty” china in the foreground. We celebrate Independence the entire month of July and these dishes display different important moments in our nation’s history. Please cultivate this love for freedom in your home too!!!

| | America's Godly HeritageBy David Barton America has been a Christian nation from the very beginning, and this little booklet tells us all about it! |

| | Separation of Church & State: What the Founders MeantBy David Barton "Separation of Church and State" is nowhere to be found in our founding documents! This booklet tells us how free we really are to practice our faith in EVERY part of life, including our politics! |

| | Advice to the YoungBy Noah Webster This simple advice from founding father, Noah Webster, helps young people know their role in the family, their community, and in the nation. |

| | 100 Bible Verses That Made America: Defining Moments That Shaped Our Enduring Foundation of Faith By Robert Morgan We read this book as a family at breakfastime each day in 2021. These are encouraging true stories of how the Bible shaped America. |

| | The Founders BibleBy David Barton This is my favorite Bible right now. I love the version they chose. And little accounts from American history are woven throughout. These accounts help us understand how God's ways create the most peaceful and beautiful society. |

| | Tuttle Twins SeriesBy Connor Boyack We have this entire series and cannot recommend them more highly. The short fiction stories teach profound lessons about the role of government, the economy, and freedom. You'll learn right along with your kids as you read to them. Our favorites are: Leviathan Crisis, The Law, and Food Truck Fiasco |

| | Brave Books: THe Island of Free Ice CreamBy Jack Posobiec The first several Brave books are absolutely excellent. This one is my favorite. Socialism promises things for "free" but people from every socialist country tell of its horrors. Socialism encourages jealousy (not coveting is the 10th commandment!) instead of hard work and ingenuity. Meanwhile, the politicians become filthy rich and the people starve. |

Lochlan, age 12, collects history books and leaves them open to interesting sections all over the house!

| | The Mystery of History Volume 4: Wars of Independence to Modern TimesBy Linda Lacour Hobar Mystery of History makes history INTERESTING, as it truly is! This is a great history curriculum from a Christian perspective, for any age. |

| | United States History: Heritage of Freedom Student Text (4th Edition) We read this Christian view of US History aloud to all the kids for homeschool in 2020. It's meant for older kids, but I thought it was helpful for everyone! I want to re-read it for everyone next year. |

| | Where Was Patrick Henry on the 29th of May?By Jean Fritz For younger kids: this one shows a very relatable Patrick Henry, with his 17 kids who rarely wore shoes and who he preferred didn't see the inside of a schoolhouse till they were 12! He was so much more than "Give me liberty or Give me death!" |

| | George WashingtonBy Ingri d'Aulaire and Edgar Parin d'Aulaire This beautifully illustrated story of the life of George Washington helps kids understand the Colonial setting, why he was so loved by those around him, and how his responsible, thoughtfulness led to his becoming a great military and government leader. |

| | The Fourth of July StoryBy Alice Dalgliesh Read this to the kids every Independence Day! It explains how word spread through the colonies that the 13 colonies had won their FREEDOM! Beautiful artwork too! It ends with the Bible verse that's written on the Liberty Bell: "Proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof" -- Leviticus 25:10 |

Patriot AcademyWe hosted a Constitution class from Patriot Academy twice in 2021. This class was an answer from God — we were able to learn more about the US Constitution, while helping others to learn it too. We invited local small business owners, young parents soccer teammates, church folks, neighbors, and even a local politician.

We learned that the Constitution was written so the average farmer could understand it, so there’s simply no excuse not to know it. Law Degree NOT required.

Founding father, John Jay, first Chief Justice to the US Supreme Court said, “Every member of the state ought diligently to read and to study the constitution of his country, and teach the rising generation to be free. By knowing their rights, they will sooner perceive when they are violated, and be better prepared to defend and assert them.”

We’re nothing special. You can do this too. You buy the videos, watch them together, and discuss!

Please take the time to watch this encouraging video by Constitutional Attorney, Krisanne Hall, about how to peacefully and resolutely take back our rights and the authority that belongs to us.

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Four things before I begin my surgery story:

1. If you haven’t read my implant story, start here: I was a Silent Sufferer.
2. If you have implants, GET THEM OUT. I cannot stress it enough. And DO NOT go to just any surgeon — BE SURE to remove the capsules surrounding the implant so that you can get well. Please skip down to the bottom section of this post about En Bloc and Capsulectomy Procedure.
3. If you haven’t had your implants removed yet, DO NOT try detoxing. Even hot baths and sauna are not recommended with implants in, because the heat will speed up their breakdown in your body, making you sicker.
4. The detox information I share here is not just for people healing from breast implants. Detox is for everyone living on this planet right now. We are ALL exposed to glyphosate in our food and water, toxins from plastics, PCBs in our fish, aluminum and mercury from our vaccines, metals like lead inherited from our mothers. Many of our chronic diseases are merely our toxicity manifesting! Remove the toxin load, and begin to get well!

My Explant Surgery, August 31, 2018Knowing that my implants were the source of my illness gave me a huge dose of courage and excitement about the surgery ahead of me. I had my sister Ellie take care of my children, and they all prayed over me, before Jeff took me to the surgery center. None of the kids knew what the surgery was about — they’re a little young for the topic just yet — but they had faith that Jesus was healing my symptoms. It is SO important to go into any surgery with faith in God’s healing power that is already within you.

We were cheerful with everyone we came in contact with, even self-conscious me with no makeup. I had met with the surgeon ahead of time, and turned down the anti-nausea patch, and turned down the post surgery antibiotics. I knew I would get IV antibiotics during surgery, and I wanted to spare my gut more havoc.

Going into surgery! The first time I’ve publicly shared a no-makeup picture of me!

The surgery took two hours. They removed the impants and capsules from beneath the muscle via En Bloc, having to scrape capsule off my ribs, and cauterize areas that bled. I woke up almost immediately, didn’t vomit like I usually do after surgeries, and quickly left to recover at home.

My implants were returned to me. They did not have any visible mold, and for that I was praising God. I had breastfed four babies with these implants in, and one of my greatest fears was that I had been feeding them from breasts containing black mold. I was already suffering from immense guilt that they had been exposed to this toxicity during my pregnancies with them.

I also didn’t fill the post surgery narcotic prescription — I think it is wise to avoid addictive pain medications at all costs. Instead, I took 15 grams (A LOT) of vitamin C every day for two weeks after surgery. Vitamin C helps prevent infection and speeds healing. It also aids in detoxification from the medications used DURING surgery, and helps clear the bowels which are slowed from anesthesia. I took a daily combination of different types of Vitamin C: liposomal, sodium ascorbate, and ascorbic acid. Because of the vitamin C, I had NO bruising or swelling at all.

Other than general soreness and the incisions stinging, and being frustrated that I had to sleep on my back, I was in GREAT shape for having undergone major surgery. In my entire recovery, I took only ONE regular-strength Ibuprofen for pain. That’s it.

For five days after surgery, drains hung from the incision area, collecting liquid that had to be emptied twice a day. The liquid that gathers can cause a hematoma inside the body, or can cause a new capsule to grow around the liquid, so you’ve got to drain that stuff OUT!

It took many days for me to muster the courage to look at my actual breasts. That was hard and unsettling. I’ll just say that it takes time for them to recover, to fluff back out, for the muscles that hold them to build back up. Things look pretty bad in the beginning. Initially, there was significant numbness too, but sensation returned in a month.

Jeff took over the meals, diaper changes, laundry and most parenting duties for four days, then I was slowly back at it. Within the first two weeks, I was getting Wesley out of his bed, lifting him in his highchair. At two weeks, I became overzealous and spent an entire day cooking up the last of our garden tomato harvest, and spent the whole night vomiting. I clearly overdid it — I had forgotten how much energy healing takes from the body!

Once past the initial surgery recovery, I expected a full and complete healing. But for four weeks, I had night sweats, and the lump in my throat became bigger, a thick phlegm took hold in my throat, and my gut was a mess. I didn’t know that my body was majorly detoxing both from the anesthesia AND from 14 years of breast implant toxins.

Healing BeginsBut on the fourth week… I noticed my previous symptoms begin to vanish.

1. I noticed that I was having NO headaches. Before surgery, I would get a headache every cloudy or rainy day, and then often for no rhyme or reason, and the headaches would come with nausea. Gone. (And they haven’t come back! At all.)
2. The skin on my face started looking more healthy and alive and hydrated, with rosy cheeks. Even Jeff said I looked younger!
3. My hair stopped falling out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. My eye stopped twitching!
5. When it rained, the mold in the air wasn’t bothering my lungs anymore! And my lungs stopped bothering me in general! I could breathe easily and well, just like I could when I was a teenager. (I feel like this one needs a round of applause and confetti!!!)
6. The lump in my throat vanished and the phlegm left too! This was actually one of the scariest symptoms, because it made me constantly wonder if the lump was a tumor. Praise the LORD it left.
7. When we visited the state fair and visited the animals tents, and everyone else was sneezing and coughing, my allergies were non-existent.
8. Then I noticed that the bloated belly I’d had that had been causing me daily discomfort was… gone. Random foods weren’t causing weird tummy reactions. I was relieved of the fear that food was going to kill me.
9. Before, I hadn’t even known that my being sweaty and overheated all the time had been implant related. Because when the temperatures stayed hot and muggy outside, I no longer felt like I was going to explode from heat. My body temperature now seemed like a normal person’s. An indoor temperature of 71 no longer felt stifling hot to me! AMAZING. I had felt overheated for 11 years.
10. I wasn’t feeling dizzy AT ALL anymore. I wasn’t feeling panicky anymore. My heart had stopped fluttering and skipping beats and racing. MIRACULOUS.

The human body is MORE than capable to heal itself when toxic substances are removed, and when it’s given proper nutrients. We give pharmaceuticals and the medical model far too much credit for something the body was designed to do without interference. Most of our suffering is man-made. My suffering was because of my decision to put plastic bags in my chest 14 years before, and I needed to bring my body back to its natural homeostasis.

Detox RashesAbout two months after surgery, I began getting chest and collarbone rashes coming up from the breast area, and they were unlike anything I’d had with the implants in! It was a red, bubbly rash, intensely itchy and burning, and when it would come on, my heart would race. There was no question that it was a toxic substance left behind from the implants, trying to exit my body! I never took any medications, and it would leave on its own. Twice a month (on days 8 and 21 of my cycle) it would come back. After three months of this, I asked my parents and sisters to pray for it to leave, and it did!

Along with this bizarre rash, my other post surgery new symptom was a strange smell coming from the breast area, like melted crayons. It was so strong and so odd, it was clear to me that it was remaining silicone melting out of the breast area. After four months of the smell, which was constant and requiring me to throw away my pajama shirts that had absorbed it, it finally vanished completely.

Remaining SymptomsSome of my symptoms did not go away immediately, and some I’m still battling as I write today. Fourteen years was a long time for my body to fight the implants, and it’s taking time for my immune system to learn what it’s supposed to fight now.

And there is MAJOR buildup of infections, toxic metals, plastic chemicals, hormone disrupting chemicals, and just bodily overwhelm from this unnatural state of housing a foreign object for many years. Each organ of the body becomes clogged and sluggish, and thus many systems of the body tend to misfire.

My two remaining symptoms are: skin itching/random hives and Raynaud’s phenomenon. I can see clearly that there is more detoxing that needs to happen for me to heal. Here’s how I’ve been working to detox. Because, ya’ll, FULL healing is coming.

GAPS DietBy far, the most important element of healing is diet. With implants, pathogens are allowed to take hold in the gut, and then the gut becomes leaky, allowing undigested food into the bloodstream and causing inflammation (symptoms of ALL kinds) throughout the body. The keys are to:

• eat foods that rebuild the gut wall
• eat foods that kill pathogens, and STARVE pathogens by not feeding them
• eat living foods with friendly living microbes to add health back to the gut
• eat nutrient dense foods, loaded with vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, polyphenols, quality natural fats, protein and vegetable carbohydrates.

To accomplish this, the GAPS diet emphasizes lots of meat broths, sauerkrauts and other living vegetable ferments, healing animal fats, coconut oil, meat on the bone, raw milk yogurts/kefir, organ meats (which are RICH in vitamins and minerals), fish, eggs, organic non-starchy vegetables, fresh herbs (potent antiviral and antifungal properties!), nuts, raw honey (a superfood!), and some fresh fruit. Everything in its whole, fresh organic form — as pure as can be.

I cannot recommend the GAPS diet enough! GAPS Restricted FoodsGAPS does NOT allow foods which feed pathogens or which are difficult/slow to digest/gut damaging, like potatoes, sweet potatoes, arrowroot starch, sugar, maple syrup, grains (corn, rice, quinoa, tapioca, buckwheat, millet, wheat, barley, rye, etc), NO additives of any kind (preservatives, thickeners, synthetic vitamins, gums, emulsifiers), and only pastured organic healthy animals for meat. Nearly nothing from a box or can. The only pre-made things allowed are things like raw apple cider vinegar, coconut oil, olive oil, tomato paste, aged cheeses.

Most of us who had saline implants will be dealing with some sort of mold or fungal infections, because fungi thrive in the dark moisture of the saline implant. GAPS is very anti-fungal, because it is rich in foods which fight fungus: coconut, ACV, herbs. And it completely avoids foods which feed fungus: starches, sugar, kombucha, beer, GRAINS. Grains themselves are RICH in mycotoxins — in essence, grains are moldy.

GAPS Introduction DietIn the beginning stage of the diet, you are allowed only broth, slow simmered meat, non-fibrous well-softened vegetables, and homemade sauerkraut/yogurt. My entire family did the intro diet for two full months, January and February 2019. (Check my instagram highlight titled GAPS INTRO). It was amazingly healing, with one child’s eczema vanishing, one child’s attitude and attentiveness improving, everyone’s sleep becoming deep and rejuvenating. It is a significant amount of work, but I highly recommend it.

After the Intro diet, I became able to eat several foods that I’d been sensitive to for several years! I started eating eggs again with no problem!! I can now eat avocado and apple and pear again without my mouth itching or tummy hurting! Do you know how cool that is?!

Overall body inflammation and gut pain goes down significantly, digestion normalizes, infections don’t stand a chance. After starting the diet in the beginning of January, no one in our entire six-person family got ANY illnesses, cold viruses, coughs, runny noses, nothing! It’s been four and a half months of VIBRANT health. Can you imagine what would happen to the pharmaceutical industry if everyone started eating this way? It would cease to exist!

Biofilms and Hidden infectionsHowever, with an absolute PERFECT clean GAPS diet, my skin itching continued. I sensed that the infections in my body that were allowed to run house with the implants in could have formed strongholds called “biofilms” which can evade prescription antibiotics and antifungals. Infections such as Lyme and mold and viruses like Epstein Barr (or retroviruses from vaccines) can also hide and escape antibiotics, so they must be targeted from every angle.

So I’ve begun taking an herbal biofilm (and parasite) killer called Biocidin, which contains: Milk Thistle, †Echinacea, Goldenseal, †Shiitake, †White Willow, †Garlic, Grapeseed extract, Black Walnut, Beet, Fumitory, Gentian, Tea Tree oil, Galbanum oil, Lavender oil, Oregano oil.

Biocidin Drops

I take five drops three times a day with food. An hour or so after I take it, it begins killing biofilms and releasing them for removal. Then I take a binder that grabs them up so that they don’t cause unpleasant detox reactions, along with a HUGE amount of water. (I just finished my first bottle of Biocidin and am alternating monthly with Microbiome Master, below.)

I am now taking Microbiome Master three times a day with my meals. It has similar anti-fungal and anti-parasitic ingredients: garlic cloves, cinnamon, echinacea, oregon grape root, oregano leaf, pau d’arco, uva ursi, wormwood, black walnut hull, and reishi mushroom.

Microbiome Master

An hour after I take Biocidin or Microbiome Master, I will take a binder. (You don’t want to take a binder near food or supplements, because it will absorb those too!) The binder, called GI Detox contains Zeolite clay, activated charcoal, aloe vera, silica, apple pectin, humic and fulvic acids. These are great gut detoxification in and of themselves! They are effective at removing the herbicide glyphosate, which is pervasive in the US, and causing leaky gut in ALL of us.

G.I. Detox Binder

Additionally, I am taking Liposomal Glutathione each night before bed or before I go sweat in the sauna (more on that below!). Glutathione is the body’s master detoxifying enzyme, but it is low in certain people and is lowered by medications like Tylenol specifically! It helps pull metals out from bone and other hiding places, and is also a potent viral inhibitor. (As an alternative you can use NAC, which is the precursor to glutathione!)

Glutathione

I know glutathione is powerful because I started taking it just three weeks ago, and the first time I took it I woke up with the neck rash that had been gone for months! Detox reaction! The next day I woke with a headache! I have continued to take a teaspoon each night, skipping only the days I don’t sweat in the sauna.

Sweat Therapy

“Give me the power to create a fever, and I can heal any disease.” — Hippocrates

It’s imperative that the remaining toxins that have been released into the body from their hiding places MUST BE ELIMINATED through: sweat, BM, urine. So, once a day, about 3-5 times a week, I sweat in my Infrared Sauna at night, and then shower to remove toxins that have been excreted!

This is the Near-Infrared Sauna that I have from SaunaSpace. I put it in my shower, cover every surface with towels, and sweat for 30-40 minutes!

Sauna is excellent because the red light can penetrate several inches inside your body, heating internal organs where unhealthy infected cells can be targeted.

It also heats your entire body, revving up your immune system — basically a purposeful fever. And we all know that fever kills infections! And sweating has been proven to effectively remove metals and plastic chemicals like BPA from the body!

On alternating days, I do a hot Epsom salt bath, as hot as it can go, and fill the tub to my neck. You get the sweating, raised body temperature, and the extra benefit of the detoxifying magnesium in Ancient Minerals Bath Flakes.

This is the Kill-Bind-Sweat protocol, made famous by Dr. Jessica Peatross, MD, who I follow through Instagram! You kill the fungus/mold/bacteria/biofilm with herbs, you bind it with charcoal, and then you sweat it out in the sauna/bath or by exercise!

FastingI’m feeling amazing, except for itching skin that comes mostly around ovulation time in the month. I have found that the herbal Biocidin and microbiome master to be quite healing for my skin. My back-pocket answers that I haven’t tried yet are Fasting and hormone regulation like Ashwahganda.

With four young children at home, I find that I need to be on my game energy-wise, and can’t find the time to take off and be tired from a fast. If I can get a free three days where I have full-time help, I will attempt a water-only fast, to try to give my body a break from digesting, and allow it to throttle out remaining toxins.

Fasting has been used all over the world since the beginning of time as a body reset and detoxification, and a way to grow closer to God. I look forward to the day I can do it!

TIMEHealing isn’t always linear, and there can be forward motion, but then bumps in the road. I always welcome obvious detox reactions, because I know that SOMETHING is happening! When toxins come out from where they’ve been stored, the body will react and try to get them out! So negative symptoms can temporarily increase, like headaches, rashes, soreness, foggy thinking, digestive upsets, pain, grumpiness, dizziness. Some also call it a “healing crisis.”

Over time, we can turn off genes which were switched “on” by our toxic implants. Autoimmunity and even cancer are not things we have to accept as permanent parts of our lives. Genes are always switching on and off based on how we live — it’s called Epigenetics! We can turn off our negative symptoms! For many women, this just takes time for our bodies to recalibrate.

God is Our HealerSomeone asked me once why I put so much effort into diet and clean lifestyle if God is our healer. Why can’t I just believe God for healing and stop thinking about what I feed my body? The answer: God gave us brains for a reason! He gives us free will. I can use my brain to make wise choices in food and lifestyle that I know support health. He gave us herbs that kill pathogens, and He gave us foods which heal and rebuild the body! Alternatively, mankind distorts nature, and creates “foods” like GMO and corn syrup and food additives which definitively destroy the body over time — these do not honor God’s design.

But there IS a point at which thinking about diet and clean living is TOO MUCH, to the point of fear and obsession. Where do I draw the line? Where does personal responsibility end, and faith begin?

Right now, I feel I have maxed out my personal efforts and I’m not willing to go further. I will keep doing healthy organic whole real local natural foods and detox lifestyle. But for me, many of the overly restrictive diets (like low FODMAPS or carnivore or strict keto, or even long-term GAPS) will tip me into obsession. Diets that take over my entire thought life are a distraction from the real reason I’m here. If I were to think about food more, I would be living more to serve myself than to serve my God. I am at a point where I need the power of Jesus to restore me.

And for those of us who believe in Jesus, we do have within us the power that raised Him from the dead! We have healing power in Jesus’ name. We simply need to believe it and thank God for it. I believe that He has healed me and will continue it — will you believe with me?

“And as you go, preach, saying, ‘The kingdom of heaven is at hand.’ Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons. Freely you have received, freely give.” - Matthew 10:7-8

“By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus’ name and the faith that comes through him that has completely healed him, as you can all see.” - Acts 3:16

“Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.” - John 14:12

How I’m doing emotionallyIf you would believe it, as vain as I am, I haven’t cried once about the loss of my large fake breasts. Not once. I’m not even sad. I only wish I’d been spared this ordeal, that someone had stopped me from ever getting breast implants in the first place. HEALTH is priceless compared to surface “beauty.” I hope I never go into any surgery again for the rest of my life, but especially not plastic surgery.

I feel like the real breastfed-four-babies me. My body and skin show a life very fully and gloriously lived. I’ve been blessed with children and a husband who loves me. Without breast implants, I can breathe easily, give great heart-to-heart hugs, and show my children how to honor God with my body.

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.” - Proverbs 31: 30-31

The CRITICAL INFORMATION about SurgeryFind a surgeon who does En Bloc or Total CapsulectomyAfter my last post many people reached out to me saying that they plan to explant their implants soon! Hallelujah! There are so many women suffering from breast implant illness, many more than you would ever guess.

Before you choose a surgeon to remove your implants, make sure you find one who will take them out via the En Bloc or Total Capsulectomy procedure. This means that the entire implant and capsule tissue are removed together and intact, through a somewhat large (about 3”) hole beneath the breast fold. This was a bummer to me, because mine were put in through a tiny hole in my armpit, and the idea of a new huge scar was depressing.

If the implant is silicone, it may be leaking or ruptured during surgery, and the silicone can then spill into your body, and that silicone is very difficult to remove, causing longer term healing. Keeping the implant within the capsule until it’s out of the body keeps all that toxic material wrapped up. And if the implant is saline, like mine was, the fluid inside may be contaminated with mold or bacteria, and again, you don’t want a smidgen more of that released into your chest.

The surgeon MUST remove all capsule material, or the body will continue to fight that tissue, and sometimes the capsule will migrate and start to wrap around other organs. The capsule itself usually houses many of the broken-down silicone particles from the implant shell, the many toxins released from the implants, and is often a place where infections are festering — sometimes even parasites. You want these OUT. Because my implants were placed beneath the muscle, my surgeon had to scrape them off my rib cage. If a surgeon is OK with leaving capsules inside you — run, and find yourself someone knowledgeable.

Here’s the list of surgeons that the Healing Breast Implant Illness by Nicole have recommended, and who do En Bloc procedure.

(The surgeon I used has been removed from the list, probably because someone had a bad experience with him, but he did a great job with me. You’re welcome to message me if you’d like to have his name. The only surgeon now on the list for Virginia does gender reassignment surgeries, and I personally didn’t feel comfortable supporting his business, as talented as he may be. There is also an excellent surgeon in Baltimore, MD that I would recommend!)

Ask the surgeon for photos of the implants with capsules still on, then photos of the capsules when implant is taken out of the capsule, and then be sure you take your implants home with you. I look at mine frequently, just in awe that I ever put those inside my body.

GOD BLESS your healing journey!

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Our Advent Calendar

Our family celebrates Christmastime to the max max max. But it’s not that we do more decorating than other people, or that we do it earlier in the year, or that we spend more money on gifts, or that we bake more sweet treats, or play more Christmas music, or that we run around exploding with cheesy cheer.

Unlike the magical anticipation of a flying jiggly-bellied elf-man (which we do take part in too!) bringing every material gift you can list, the Christmas anticipation we feel is one of the GREATEST JOYS of LIFE. This isn’t just for kids and it isn’t magic. You don’t outgrow this anticipation.

We are waiting expectantly for our KING Jesus to return! Like the world waiting for thousands of years for their savior to be born on earth, to save us all from the darkness of hopelessness, we now prepare for Him to one day come back and bring us into eternity with Him. We will then get to celebrate Him forever, where there will be no more death, no more suffering, all our hopes fulfilled.

Advent (which means “coming”) is that building up of excitement — consciously choosing for 25 days to think about how Great our Jesus is, and how wonderful his return will be. And consciously choosing to share the joy of His love with our family and those around us.

Reading scriptures at Christmastime is something I always did, but the very purposeful and organized Advent celebration wasn’t something I was ever capable of. My personality is one of BIG ideas, but I have a terrible time following through on my ideas! Thankfully, I married Jeff, the most excellent organizer, who every year plans a detailed list of December activities for our family to do in eager anticipation of our King. So this whole thing is his work, which I’m just sharing with you because it’s awesome. And if I didn’t have him, I would be looking for something just like it.

It ALL points to JesusThese days, Christmas seems like a big competitive marketing machine, but we really want Advent to point to our Savior and His word — through serving and loving others. I want there to be no doubt in my kids’ minds that this household puts Christ before all else. We do include some purchases in our Advent, but what party is without some special splurges? As long as it glorifies Him, we’re in.

The mood of excitement is enhanced with candles (Jesus lights the dark world!), decorations (I try to do something creative and new with my things every year!), special homemade food (see below for a gluten-free biscuits and gravy recipe), and joyful or worshipful music (click the link to see some of what is on our playlist right now).

What we doEvery day starting on December first, our kids get to:

1. Unwrap a tiny surprise from the Advent calendar
2. Read/Memorize a scripture
3. Take part in an activity: either a simple gift, serving others, or a fun tradition

ScriptureOn each gift from the Advent calendar is a tag, with a Bible verse. Each day, we read the short scripture aloud. The first few days are prophetic verses predicting the birth of Jesus. Then we read a verse each day from Luke, which builds the anticipation and adds to the story of Jesus’ birth. Here’s a video of Felicity at age 5 reciting some of the scriptures from the Advent calendar that we memorized together.

Selfless Acts of Kindness | Luke 2:1-3The kids secretly put a piece of hay into a manger every time they do something kind or say something encouraging. At the end of the day, we lay baby Jesus (a babydoll) into the very fluffy pile of hay in the manger.

Gingerbread House Making | Micah 5:2We all make gingerbread houses with relatives or friends.

Third-World Giving | Jeremiah 23:5-6The kids pick a gift to give children in the Third World, from Compassion International Gift Catalog, usually chickens or a goat or water treatment.

Get Christmas Tree | Isaiah 9:6-7We go to the local Christmas Tree farm and select/cut a Christmas tree and decorate it with Christmas music and eggnog mustaches.

Christmas Train | Luke 2:1We all dress up and take a journey on the Polar Express Train Ride or VRE Santa Train.

Gift of Prayer | Luke 2:1-2Write names or draw pictures (or print photos) of people to pray for throughout Advent. Split them up and keep them in the kids’ rooms so they can be reminded to pray throughout the day.

Donate a Personal Gift | Luke 2:1-4The kids pick one of their favorite toys to donate to Goodwill.

Historical Trip | Luke 2:1-5Travel to an historical Christmas location. We typically do Colonial Williamsburg or the Candlelight Tour in Fredericksburg or George Washington’s Mount Vernon Home

Performing Arts Event | Luke 2:1-6Go to a Performance of the Nutcracker, Chorale/Symphony, Sing-a-Long. Get dressed up and take lots of family photos to remember the beautiful occasion!

Watch Christmas Movie with Friends | Luke 2:1-7 Invite friends over to watch a Christmas movie and eat homemade popcorn!

Christmas Correspondence | Luke 2:1-8Write a letter of encouragement and draw a picture for a distant friend or relative.

Homemade Christmas Decoration | Luke 2:1-9The kids make Christmas decorations for their rooms: paper snowflakes, ornaments, stringed cranberry garland.

Christmas Parade | Luke 2:1-10Attend a small town Christmas Parade. We typically do: Middleburg, Marshall or Manassass wrapped up in blankets with hot cocoa and marshmallows.

Gift of Nourishment | Luke 2:1-11Deliver homemade food (bone broth or soup) to someone sick or lonely, or a Gift card from a local farm like Whiffletree Farm

Gift of Strengthening Marriage | Luke 2:1-12Invite friends over so their parents can get a date night.

Gift Journey Scavenger Hunt | Isaiah 7:14 Usually, the first day of Advent begins with a scavenger hunt with clues and Christmas riddles that lead to small gifts (usually books, see suggestions below)

Gift of Hospitality | Luke 2:1-13Provide tools (like microfiber cloths for dusting) to the kids to clean the house, and a recipe to help make food in anticipation of hosting a family for dinner or Christmas party. They then help the rest of the day!

Gift to Someone Else | Luke 2:1-14Give each kid $10 and take them to a store. They get to pick a recipient and gift, wrap it, and deliver it.

Gift to Sick | Luke 2:1-15Go to hospital or nursing home with gifts/food and pray with families and patients and deliver hand-written cards.

Gift of Song/Caroling | Luke 2:1-16Give bells/tambourine and sheet music and go caroling! This is the most fun when we organize a big crowd to go together!

Christmas Cookie Delivery | Luke 2:1-17Give a Christmas cookie cutter to make and decorate organic Christmas cookies to deliver to neighbors.

Gift of Art | Luke 2:1-18Provide art supplies for kids to create Christmas art to give to someone they choose. New Prismacolor pencils or paint and canvas paper make for a great start.

Christmas Movie Making | Luke 2:1-19Provide kids a camera/phone and have them make a Christmas movie and watch it at home, and post it for all to see using Adobe Premiere Rush!

Christmas Lights | Luke 2:1-20Hop in the car with some hot chocolate and drive through neighborhood to look at Christmas lights or go to Enchanted, Festival of Lights or Garden’s Walk of Lights or Zoo Lights while listening to Christmas music.

Christ’s Birthday Party | John 3:16Give kids a candle to put on Stuffed French Toast and sing Happy Birthday to Jesus!

Extra Ideas!Visit Grandparents/Great Grandparents | Matthew 1:22Give kids a map to their grandparents and dress up and travel to (great)grandparents

Live Nativity | Matthew 2:11Perform or go to a Live Nativity.

Christmas Game | Isaiah 42:6-7Invite friends over to play a Christmas Game (Christmas Pictionary, Memory, Charades)

Ice Skating | Luke 1:35Go outdoor ice skating or sledding/tubing

Here are photos of some past Advent activities!

First letter of a Christmas verse anagram

One day of Advent is always a book. This pop-up book is still one of our favorites.

We gave the kids a camera and invite them to create a story to share Christmas with the world.

Young Family trip to Colonial Williamsburg at Christmastime, in 2015

Colonial Santa Claus

Muffin toppers made breakfast fun on Nutcracker Ballet day!

The girls love getting dressed up to match the characters in the ballet.

Girls’ date to the Nutcracker Ballet, in 2017.

Home Alone 2 is a favorite fun Christmastime movie to watch with friends!

This is the small town Marshall Christmas parade in 2017.

The Santa Train in Manassas! Heidi was shocked seeing Mrs. Claus.

We visited the kids’ Great Grandma M in Lynchburg, VA.

And we visited their Great Granny S in Richmond, VA.

Lochlan and Daddy got to do a boys-only skating trip. This year, the girls will be old enough to join!

All the kids love decorating their rooms for Christmas! They put their ornaments on their trees themselves.

Lochlan inherited my old tree I’ve had since I was a young teenager!

Last year’s Christmasy Kitchen!

All the kids preparing for a Christmas art project last year

And our kitchen table set for scripture reading

Felicity’s favorite day of Advent is picking a gift for a child in a third-world country.

The oldest three in 2016, writing letters to grandparents

Christmas Cookies with their Grammy, the ultimate gluten-free baker

We make homemade organic marshmallows every year to top hot cocoa!

Sample Calendar

SAMPLE CALENDAR Spreadsheet: Here

How to import calendar

Part of our Advent celebration is special foods, especially at breakfast-time when we’re opening the day’s Advent calendar, like gluten-free muffins decorated with Nutcracker Ballet Toppers, gluten free biscuits and gravy, and from-scratch organic cinnamon rolls. Here’s my recipe for biscuits and gravy!

Gluten-Free Biscuits and Chunky Sausage GravyFor the biscuits:

2 cups Pamela’s Baking Mix

1 tsp baking powder

1 T sugar

1 stick cold organic butter

1/3 cup organic whole milk + 2-3 Tablespoons

For the gravy:

1 lb. sage-pepper-seasoned loose pastured pork sausage (we buy local from Whiffletree Farm)

1/4 cup Pamela’s Baking Mix

2 cups organic whole milk

Make the biscuits: Preheat the oven to 425. In a large glass mixing bowl, whisk together the baking mix, baking powder, and sugar. Next, drop the cold butter on top and cut it into the flour mixture using a pastry cutter. When the butter is fully cut into small crumbles, stir. Pour in 1/3 cup of milk, and stir until the mixture starts coming together. Add the 2 or 3 tablespoons more of milk just until the mixture forms a sticky mound. You don’t want it very wet! Next lay out two sheets of parchment paper. On one of the sheets, place the mound of dough. Place the other sheet on top of the dough (it prevents the dough from sticking to the rolling pin) and roll with a rolling pin until the dough is around 1/2” thick. Using a round biscuit cutter (2 3/4”), cut into circles and place on an ungreased stainless steel cookie sheet. When you’ve used all the dough, it should make about 8 biscuits. Place the cookie sheet in the preheated oven, and bake for 10-11 minutes, or until the slightest brown has appeared around the edges.

Make the gravy. In a large iron skillet, fully cook the pork sausage, making sure to crumble it as you go. Once there’s no more pink in the meat, add 1/4 cup Pamela’s and stir to coat all the meat. Slowly pour in the 2 cups milk and stir over medium heat until the gravy begins to thicken. Then turn down to low until ready to serve!

Pour the gravy over the biscuits and ENJOY

Watch my Instagram account for photos of us going through our Advent calendar this year! It’s going to be powerful.

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Oh, the drawings that have been produced in this room!

Why do we need an education, anyway? Well, it’s not to “get a good job” or “be successful,” whatever those mean. It’s not to “get smart” or “fit in,” whatever those mean. There is no “rat race.” There is no universal scale of success. Life is not a contest!

We all have unique dreams for what a happy fulfilled life will look like. Do you think the people with the most degrees are happiest? The most money saved for retirement? The most well-recognized face on a magazine? (Sounds awful dry and sad to me.)

Or is a happy life one in which you influenced others deeply? Where you sacrificed something huge for the benefit of someone else? Where you came up with a new invention that improved people’s lives? Came up with a way to change a pattern of poverty? Took something ugly and made it beautiful? Used God’s gifts in you to love someone nobody else would love?

All children are PERSONS with unique purposes in life, that there’s no way I can plan for them what they need to know. My children’s minds are not an empty page on which I’m supposed to write — they get to decide what to pursue! The only education is SELF education. Which is why as a home educator, my role is to give them access to great ideas — wonderful literature, history, theology, philosophy, art…! I’m not trying to prepare them for a job, I’m preparing them for a LIFE.

I don’t want this to be “School” at home! I don’t want desks and bells and subjects and lists and isolated “science" projects and memorizing all the things everyone else has to memorize. My kids aren’t computers, and they don’t need lots of little disconnected fragments of information! I want their education to be learning through living! It’s a BIG difference! I don’t want my kids to compartmentalize math as separate from history as separate from food as separate from interior design! They are all inter-woven together in a LIFE. Dry bones “curriculum” and textbooks removes them from the real world. They deaden the inherent CURIOSITY of kids!

I don’t want to create winners on the show Jeopardy or fantastic test-takers or people set to play Trivial Pursuit the rest of their lives. But growing up in school (AND in university), I felt like I wasn’t being trained in reality— I was being trained in trivia. Dates and names and events were memorized instead of learning to question WHY these things occurred, whether these things were right or wrong, how we could prevent them from repeating, and whether they added meaning to our own lives!

Instead of urging my kids to memorize trivia, my job as a home educator is to:

1. Encourage and train my children in Writing, Argumentation, and Public Speaking. If you cannot clearly communicate a point through words, your life on earth will be a difficult one. You must be able to share your ideas with others for your life to have meaning!
2. Teach them to be Deeply Analytical. School teaches you to memorize the dots, but not how to connect them! I want my children to question everything, think independently about the deep questions of life, never to just accept things as they are. A creative mind is always looking for a new way to see things, a more effective way of doing things! This is how we leave a legacy on earth — not by doing things the way they've always been done!
3. And they need to be Knowledgeable. By giving my children exposure to broad ideas, and freedom to dig in, they begin to become deeply knowledgeable about the things that interest them!

So, how do we accomplish that? Though I’m a free-thinker, it’s still a little scary not having a pre-planned curriculum or check-list!

My children are all young — ages 1, 4, 6, and 8 — so much of our time focuses on and prioritizes freedom to play and create. I see so much communication, story-telling, and imagination being developed in those hours upon hours of uninterrupted pretend-play every day! This time is invaluable to their mental and spiritual development, and their ability to interact with the world in creative new ways! They invent movies they act out together, they make costumes/props/puppets, pretend starting a business and selling things, they imagine new symbols and words, they have a whole separate world from that of adults where they can try out so many different roles.

Our second priority is Reading Aloud. Every night year-round, either me or Jeff reads from a book to the entire family. This is how they become introduced to great literature, profound ideas, history, and excellence in communication. I read almost obsessively my entire childhood through all of the classics and more, and I believe that gave me a firm footing in vocabulary and writing! We are currently reading the original Heidi by Johanna Spyri.

Previous whole-family read-alouds were:

• Little House in the Big Woods
• Farmer Boy
• Peter Pan (the original, which challenged even me!)
• The Green Ember
• The Penderwicks

Next, we plan to read:

• Johnny Tremaine
• Oliver Twist
• Little House on the Prairie
• A Christmas Carol

We also read straight from the Bible aloud in the morning at breakfast-time, and I plan to add afternoon reading of poetry (Robert Frost and others).

Priority Three: Individual Grammar & Math TimeEach child will do individual reading aloud to me each day, they'll read a different book alone, and they'll spend 20 minutes a day practicing writing selected words from the books they read, in print and cursive.

After reading alone, they will tell back to me the story/chapter in their own words — practicing narration.

Lochlan, age eight, is reading these: The Mouse and the Motorcycle, The Boxcar Children, Who Was Dr. Seuss, Who Was Walt Disney, Who Is Stan Lee, and The Tuttle Twins and the Miraculous Pencil.

Felicity, age six, is reading these: Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm, Charlotte’s Web, Who Was Thomas Edison, Who Was Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Who Was Leonardo Davinci, and The Tuttle Twins Learn About The Law.

Heidi, age four, is learning to read with me, using the book that I used (with great success!) with her older siblings. Instead of memorizing word lists, this book teaches reading phonetically: How to Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons.

I also prioritize basic arithmetic in a somewhat systematic way, using the Horizons math books, which I love because they make math FUN. Felicity plows through these books like they're more entertaining than a video game! Most importantly with math, I want my kids to see its usefulness in solving problems in real life, and not see it as a way to be "rated." I want them to feel the thrill of solving the puzzle, not the let-down of not solving the problem the way the teacher wanted them to!

Priority four: Nature walks, and outingsOnce a week on a beautiful day, me and the four kids will go outside to a meadow, stream, farm, hill, woods, lake, or mountain, and enjoy God's creation. This gives them time to encounter the wonder of the world, and allows them to follow their curiosity. They bring nature notebooks and bring back specimens to inspect and draw when they get home!

We've got lots of additional outings planned, including trips to the Gari Melchers historic home and Art Studio, the State Fair, the Bible Museum, and get-togethers with our local Wild & Free homeschool group!

Priority five: Arts and Foreign LanguagesArt is a way of life, and we never really stop creating here! I give my children access to fine art supplies like professional Prismacolor pencils, real canvases and high-end paper for paintings — avoiding coloring books and "twaddle" that's designed for kids. They choose to spend most of their free time doing art, Lochlan especially. He is constantly writing books and illustrating them, never needing any prodding to finish the projects that he passionately completes on his own!

I'm also introducing each child to several famous paintings from great artists of the past, allowing them to draw their own impressions that they got from each one.

Felicity has chosen also to learn French, and is voraciously devouring lessons from Rosetta Stone. She not only does the lessons but decided on her own to make a notebook of everything she learns. She also wants to take singing lessons and sewing lessons, so we're following her lead!

Beyond this, our home education is so open-ended! Much of our time is spent talking about friends, God, nutrition, health, church, businesses we'd like to start, stories we're writing, things we think are beautiful... Sharing life together.

For more reading on the topic of homeschooling, two great books that closely reflect my own views are:

For the Children's Sake

and

Dumbing Us Down

Here are some of my best gluten-free, nutrient-dense Pumpkin recipes for your family!

Gluten-Free Pumpkin Pancakes* 2 cups Pamela's Pancake & Baking Mix * 3 T brown sugar * 2 organic pastured eggs * 2/3 cup pumpkin (canned or home roasted and pureed) * 1 1/8 cups raw whole milk * 2 T melted unsalted butter * 1/2 tsp cinnamon * 1/8 tsp nutmeg * 1/8 tsp ground ginger * pinch of ground cloves * 1/4 tsp vanilla extract

Heat a griddle on the stove-top to medium. Meanwhile, whisk together the spices and Pamela's, and then add the rest of the ingredients, whisking well. Add milk as needed for desired consistency. Pour batter on griddle, making 3.5" circles. Flip when little bubbles start popping up. Makes about 20 pancakes. Serve alongside warmed organic maple syrup, sausage, scrambled eggs, and fried apples for a perfect fall breakfast!

Pumpkin Chicken Rice Soup* 1 medium sweet onion, finely diced * 2 medium carrots, peeled and diced * 3 garlic cloves, minced * 2 T butter * 4.5 cups homemade unsalted chicken broth * 1 T himalayan pink salt * sprinkle of pepper * 1/8 tsp ground nutmeg * 1 large sweet apple, like braeburn/fiji/gala, peeled and chopped in 1/2” chunks * 1 can pumpkin, or 1 3/4 cups roasted mashed pie pumpkin * 2 T organic maple syrup * 1/2 cup raw cream * 4 cups cooked shredded chicken * 2.5 cups cooked (in broth) wild rice blend

Cook rice according to package instructions, using broth as your liquid. Melt butter and add onions and carrots, and cook over med-high for 5 mins. Add garlic and stir for 30 seconds. Add broth, pumpkin, apples, salt, pepper, nutmeg, and bring to boil over high heat. Turn to low, and cook for 30 mins. Stir in chicken, cream, maple, and rice, until all are well-warmed. Serve alongside grain-free bread.

Grain-Free Pumpkin Muffins* 1/2 cup melted butter * 6 local, GMO-free, pastured eggs * 1 tsp vanilla extract * 1/2 cup honey or maple syrup * 1/2 cup pumpkin (canned or home-roasted and pureed) * 1/2 tsp cinnamon * 1/8 tsp nutmeg * 1/8 tsp allspice * 1/8 tsp ginger * 1/8 tsp cloves * 1/4 tsp Himalayan pink salt * 1/2 tsp baking soda * 1/2 cup organic coconut flour

Preheat oven to 400. Fill muffin tin with 12 unbleached liners. Melt butter. In a big glass mixing bowl, whisk together all dry ingredients (spices, salt, soda, flour). In another bowl, whisk together eggs, vanilla, honey, pumpkin, and finally butter. Pour wet into dry ingredients, and whisk well. Pour batter evenly into muffin liners, and put into oven for about 17 minutes. If they look wet, you can cook longer, up to 19 mins. Great when cooled to room temperature, alongside scrambled eggs and bacon!

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I’ve had a long love affair with beauty products, and it hasn’t always been a healthy one. At age 11, I was frustrated with my face full of freckles and translucent skin that showed my purpley veins underneath, so I snuck some stark-white clown face-paint from our family’s Halloween supplies bin and rubbed it all over my face, then went to church hoping nobody would notice. By 12, my mom was buying me powder from Maybelline, so I didn’t keep making myself look totally ridiculous— literally, like a clown. I was going to use makeup, no matter what, even if it came to that.

I’ve always been a makeup minimalist, though, so I would try out the available affordable options, find the best colors for my skin tone and the best-working stuff, and then use the same brands for years and years and years. Once I find something that works and looks great, I’m not going to fall prey to all the makeup sales pitches, of which there are MANY. (Goodness gracious, the multi-level-marketing schemes. I hide from any “party” that’s really not one.)

But imagine my despair when I realized that ALL of the products I’d been using for all those years were full of crap, industrial chemicals and even straight toxic metals, many of which are known to cause...

cancer

and strongly linked to

infertility.

Your skin is your largest organ, and most ingredients you put on it don't just stay on its surface. They are designed to penetrate, and they wreak havoc once they do.

In 2007, when I was trying to get pregnant for the first time, I read a book called the Complete Organic Pregnancy, which went into how bad most cosmetics were, and even recommended not using nail polish at all. Back then, there weren’t many good natural alternatives, so I tried what was out there, and only found Burt’s Bees facial cleansers (a win!), rock crystal deodorant (which I didn’t know then actually still contained toxic Aluminum!), and BareMinerals makeup (the foundation I actually ended up returning when the powder ran off my face when I cried after my first miscarriage).

It took a mysterious full-body itchy rash that lasted a FULL month, with a completely elusive cause, for me to open my eyes to the true toxicity hidden within my beauty products. In my search for the cause of this rash, I wondered if it was cancer. I thought perhaps my liver was failing. I was a mess.

So I got brave, and looked at my eye shadow — it contained aluminum. My foundation — parabens and phthalates. My shampoo — “fragrance.” My blush— formaldehyde. My MAC lipstick — just about every artificial coloring like Red 40 and Yellow 5, artificial vanillin flavor, polyethylene — a plastic microbead, an estrogenic sunscreen chemical, and aluminum. Whew. So began my full-scale purge.

After a boatload of money blown on trying random organic products, many many of them failing me miserably, I arrived at the products that I’m sharing below, that I can happily say are SAFE and they WORK.

Our Toxic WorldWhen I think about how sick our generation is, I get hopping mad. I seriously cannot handle the idea of people — especially kids — suffering needlessly. Almost everyone I know has someone in their family dealing with the health effects of our toxic environment: the brain fog, the chronic fatigue, the cancers, the ADHD, the migraines, the asthma, the autoimmune disorders, the birth defects, the infertility. These things were NOT commonplace 100 years ago. But now, there are more than 120 million industrial chemicals registered, and many of them are turning on genes that would not have bothered us before the chemicals existed.

Many of the chemicals are KNOWN to cause or contribute to cancer, and many are KNOWN to be toxic to the endocrine (hormones) system leading to infertility and defects. So this isn’t some hippie crazy talk. And most of these chemicals overwhelm your body’s detoxification burden. So maybe you could handle the pesticides on your vegetables, and the chlorine in your water, but the cosmetics may just put your body over the edge into inflammation or autoimmune disease.

When your body is carrying around too many toxins, your genes don’t work properly, and in many cases, your body begins holding onto excess fat as a place to store the toxins and prevent them from damaging your heart or brain. I’m convinced this is why so many Americans are obese — it’s their body's protective mechanism!

And if you are thinking of becoming pregnant soon, it is absolutely critical that you get toxic chemicals out of your life before they are passed on to the baby at conception, through the placenta, and later, in the breast-milk.

Before I share my line-up of my favorite Natural products, here are the biggest red-flag ingredients for me. Believe me, there are literally thousands of other toxins added to cosmetics/body products, but these I see most frequently in things that I would buy if I didn’t know better.

Getting these off the skin and out of the body could prevent a breast tumor...or prevent a birth defect...It's serious stuff.

Stay Away from These Ingredients1. Phthalates My number one worst offender! In a study by EWG, it was found in 2/3 of all personal care products they tested! It’s a “plasticizer” making things stretchy or dissolving other ingredients. Phthalates also happen to be POTENT endocrine disruptors — and have been strongly linked to birth defects in the male reproductive system. Specifically, they make males more female. They're gender benders.*

2. Fragrance (or “parfum”)/Artificial Colors

• Can cause allergy and chemical sensitivity. The artificial colors (like Red40 or Yellow5) are often in lipsticks that you end up eating — yikes. One artificial fragrance can contain hundreds – even thousands – of potentially toxic chemicals. “Fragrance” also often contains phthalates (see above!).

3. Aluminum/Alum

• Known neurotoxin (affecting brain and nervous system!). Endocrine disruptor (hormones! infertility!). In most antiperspirants and in many eyeshadows, including one I used for 10 years. Has been suspected to be increasing breast cancer rates, as it has an easy route to upper quadrant of breast tissue when it travels through shaved/nicked skin when antiperspirant is applied near that area.

4. PEG

• These compounds cause many allergic reactions and are strongly linked to cancer and toxicity. Many of them also release dioxane, a known carcinogen.

5. Formaldehyde, or any Formaldehyde-releaser like Bronopol, Quaternium-15, or Diazolidinyl Urea

• Formaldehyde is a known human carcinogen (causes cancer) and skin allergy. RUN from these products.

6. Parabens

• A synthetic preservative that mimics estrogen in the body. Again, found in nearly all Americans’ bodies. Can cause reproductive and developmental disorders!

7. Retinal Palmitate or Retinol

• Often in skin products to be anti-aging. But when it is exposed to sun when on your skin, it can break down into free radicals which damage DNA and speed up tumor formation.

8. Fluoride

• You don’t want this toxin in your water (buy a Berkey!) OR toothpaste. There are significant health risks from chronic exposure, especially damage to brain, bones, and thyroid. Avoid!

9. Oxybenzone

• Sunscreen agent and ultraviolet light-absorber, found in the bodies of nearly all Americans! Another endocrine disruptor, acting like estrogen in the body. Linked with negative outcomes in birth weights, alters sperm production, associated with endometriosis, easily penetrates the skin, and has high rates of skin allergy. Banned in Hawaii just this month!

But here’s the GOOD NEWS.Though the government doesn’t really regulate the cosmetics/body products industry, allowing almost any chemical in your lipstick, many companies are way ahead of the game, bringing us healing, truly skin-nourishing products. Honestly, we don’t want the government involved anyway, since their regulations make it SO HARD (so expensive) for small companies to join the market.

And then there are the great third-party verifiers like Think Dirty and EWG already checking to make sure the natural companies are what they say they are! There's definitely a tendency for companies to "greenwash" their products, making you believe they're natural, when really they're anything but!

I use two great Apps to see how toxic or clean my products are:

Think Dirty and EWG Healthy Living.

I scan the barcode with my phone and the apps will tell me what's in the product and give it a rating, "0" being cleanest. I usually will run a new product through both of them and look at the detailed ingredient list. All the products I have listed are rated "3" and below, except for one "4".

These apps won't tell you how well a product works, though. You could buy all "0" rated things, but the eye-shadow may crumble down all over your face, the moisturizer could be greasy, and the cleanser may make you look like you've got scales instead of skin. Hence my recommendations. The following products all work well!

I'm in the cool position where I am not owned by these companies, nor did they contact me to market their stuff. I actually sought out these products and USE them on a daily basis.

So here we go!

My Favorite Natural Beauty and Body Products Line-upI recommend trying only one new product at a time, so you know if you have a negative reaction.

All of the photos are links, and at the end of each description, I included the Think Dirty rating.

100% Pure Burdock Shampoo: I've tried about 50 different natural shampoo formulations, and it's so frustrating trying to find one that works with my extremely thick dry hair. This shampoo is pure, smells invigorating, helps with winter dryness, and cleans well. The honey-coconut one is excellent as well. I actually also use this as my shaving cream! (1)

Innersense Organic Hydrating Cream Conditioner: Perfectly moisturizing for my very dry, thick hair. I don't love the smell (patchouli) or the price, considering how little comes in the bottle. But the purity is worth it. The company that makes it thinks of every possible combination of ingredients to create the MOST pure product possible, where it's actually nourishing to your scalp! (The company's story: After the wife's many years of toxic exposures behind the chair in a salon, her daughter was born with a rare genetic disorder, and this propelled them into cleaning up their lives and products.) (0)

Giovanni Hair Spritz: Hairspray was one of my last hold-outs with natural beauty care. I was still using some TOXIC aerosol fragranced stuff until 2.5 years ago. Then I went on a natural haircare mission, and started with one hairspray that was just water, sugar, and essential oils. Didn't work AT ALL. My curls instantly fell. I tried many others, and the curls still fell in the Virginia heavy humidity. This Giovanni has been the only "natural-ish" product that actually works holding my thick hair style in summer.(4)

Little Twig Shampoo: Very mild formulation for babies and kids! Organic, pure ingredients. Love this stuff. (2)

Natural Conditioning Detangler: This contains organic oils for scent and is great for sensitive kid skin, and does an excellent job conditioning my girls' super tangly hair. I use it as their conditioner, so I sometimes rinse it out, sometimes leave it in. (2)

Aubrey Organics Men's Stock Shampoo: This is Jeff's shampoo. It's mild smelling and super pure. (0)

100% Pure Organic Argan Oil Creamy Cleanser: This is a newer one for me, but I like it so far. It's not skin-stripping, but I wouldn't call it moisturizing either. More of a summer facial cleanser, and then I'll use just jojoba oil as my cleanser in the winter. (1)

Organic Jojoba Oil: I use this for everything! It's my facial moisturizer, my body lotion, and I use it on the kids, or to dilute essential oils. It's very neutral smelling, and doesn't feel greasy like coconut oil. (0)

Burt's Bees Sensitive Daily Moisturizer: I alternate using this and jojoba oil as my facial moisturizer, depending on how hot/humid it is outside. No shininess! My skin is VERY sensitive and this doesn't bother it in the slightest. (2)

Badger Kids Sunscreen SPF 30: Most conventional sunbock products are TOXIC and likely CAUSING skin cancer. We've used natural Badger since before kids in 2007! It is the old fashioned white zinc-oxide formula that lays on heavy and doesn't rub in. (If a sunscreen rubs in, it's penetrating your skin, causing toxicity!) We look like we're wearing a physical layer of sun protection. On the plus side, it works, and it smells like an orange creamsicle! (2)

Even better than sunscreen, though, is just covering up when you're going to be outside for a long time. My girls have this adorable rash-guard swimsuit which is SPF50, along with several others, which they wear with hats to protect their faces when we're at the beach.

Plant Therapy Lavender Essential Oil: I'm not a huge essential oil person, as again, I'm very sensitive to potent chemicals — even completely natural ones. But lavender in very tiny diluted doses works for our family. I'll occasionally add a drop to the kids' bath for soothing their skin, and I'll put it on itchy bug bites, and as a natural alternative for ringworm medication. And I really only stick with Plant Therapy because it's organic.

For detoxification through the skin, and for optimal magnesium absorption, I give the kids (and myself) Epsom salt baths at least once a week. I consider this an important part of our life, and tend to buy this every time I go to Target or Wegmans.

Schmidt's Lavender-Sage Deodorant: Most antiperspirants contain aluminum, so I've been using deodorant-only for many years. This one is a very simple combination of natural ingredients — only the Vitamin E is synthetic. Works well and smells refreshing, but not too strong.

Primal Pit Paste: This is all organic, the purest deodorant on the market--you could eat it. I like to rotate my deodorant brands, so this is always in the rotation. I get the unscented paste version that you have to rub in with your fingers, which I think is useful to get to know if any of your lymph nodes are swollen in your armpits. (0)

Dr.Bronner's Citrus-Hemp Soap: For whole-body cleaning. It's as pure as can be. (0)

Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Toothpaste: I've tried almost every natural toothpaste, including mineral tooth powders, but this one is a mainstay in our cabinet. (2)

Uncle Harry's Toothpaste: This is made from clay and potent essential oils, leaving your mouth feeling exceptionally clean and your teeth remineralized. Where has this been all my life?!

Bamboo Toothbrushes: I'm a fan of less plastic touching my kids' mouths, so though the bristles on these are nylon, the handle is fully bamboo. Much better for health, and better for our environment too (less plastics being created at all, or being sent to landfills).

Primal Life Dirty Mouth -- Sweet Bubblegum Tooth Powder: I had one child with cavities that developed due to eating too many grains (especially oats -- watch the oatmeal and things made with oat flour like Cheerios!) and between cutting back on grains and sweets, adding in more vitamin A foods, and using this tooth powder, this child's teeth are improving!

Jack N' Jill Natural Toothpaste Organic Strawberry: Kids do a pretty terrible job of spitting, so you want this stuff to be straight edible. We never use fluoride (there is a wealth of information showing its incredible toxicity), and this product is nearly all organic and pure. The tube is super small, so the two-pack is useful. It's a clear gel, so no foam or residue. (2)

100% Pure 2nd Skin Foundation: Hallelujah, praise the Lord, this exists! Foundation is THE number one hardest thing to find that is NATURAL and that WORKS. This is a sheer, slightly oily-dewy finish foundation, that feels really interesting to put on. But I've been getting lots of compliments with it, as this color (I'm using shade 4 right now) adds life to my face and the texture adds youth to my dry skin. You can buy a sample of 5 colors straight from the 100% Pure website — I did! (0)

AnnMarie Gianni Mineral Foundation: I like the look of this on my skin, but I don't love the price! I use the Honey color when I have a spring/summer tan, and the Sand color in winter. I put a few drops of oil in my hand and drop some of the powder in, and mix them together for a liquid makeup. Very simple and pure ingredients. Get the sample set on www.annmariegianni.com to pick your perfect color.

BareMinerals "Warmth" Bronzer: I've used this product to add warmth to my skin, since the beginning of my organic health journey in 2007. A little of this bronzer goes a long way to make this pale skin look a little more alive! *Note, as of October 2018, I am currently searching for a replacement for this product, as I got a hair metals test done and came up high in BISMUTH, a metal found in this product! (3)

100% Pure Blush in "Peppermint": I started using this in October 2018, as my previous blush from Bare Minerals contained the metal Bismuth and I'm avoiding metals! This 100% Pure blush is REALLY pure. Nearly all the ingredients are organic, and the pigments are from organic fruits! It's legit.

Burt's Bees Tinted Lip Balm, Pink Blossom color: With how toxic most lipstick is (even the so called "natural" versions like BeautyCounter often contain Red40 and other synthetic colorants), I have almost completely given it up. Burt's Bees has some great options. For daily wear, this tinted balm is what I reach for year-round. (3)

Mineral Fusion Lipstick in Charming: Creamy and vibrant. This is one of EWG's top picks for clean lipstick! I don't wear lipstick often, except on occasions like church or date night! Lipstick is generally one of the the most toxic products, with hidden metals like lead. So I am extremely careful, using only well-made products like this one. (1)

Bareminerals Waterproof Mascara: I require waterproof because of all the steamy cooking I do! It stays on and doesn't get too clumpy or smeary for a natural mascara. (2)

100% Pure Creamy Eyeliner in Blackest: This is from the same company that makes my shampoo and foundation. Pure ingredients, doesn't irritate my very sensitive eyes. The "Blackest" color, which I buy, is made of very natural ingredients, but the silver color contains parabens! (3)

BaeBlu Eyeliner in Black: This eyeliner is also in my rotation, just as pure ingredients as the 100% Pure brand! It's able to draw a sharper line if you want to make a winged effect.

Lauren Brooke Cosmetique Eye Shadow in Smokey Plum/Sweet Pea: The eye shadow I loved for 20+ years before switching contained aluminum (!) to give it shimmer, and it was hard giving that beautiful grey-mauve color up! Most natural versions stick to the crease or fall under your eyes creating racoon effect. This one is really pretty. I combine it with a Mineral Fusion shadow, below.

Mineral Fusion Eye Shadow in Density: This has the best texture, very velvety and stays on better than most other natural eye-shadows. It does contain retinol, but I'm OK with it since it's only on an area that doesn't see much sun. I use the dark purple color most, for eye contouring, especially in fall/winter.(3)

Burt's Bees Eyebrow Pencil in Blonde: Ah, I really like this one. The color is a perfect match for my eyebrow hair, and I like the little brush that comes on the end. This is new and hasn't been evaluated by Think Dirty or EWG, but is 100% natural, and the only questionable ingredients are hydrogenated oils.

And equally important, if not even more, is using organic "feminine" hygiene products (I use Natracare) and, um, family planning products (we use Sustain).

Organic ClothingClothing we spend the most time wearing needs to be as pure as possible too, especially pajamas and undergarments. Since our children were born, they've all had organic sleepwear, mostly from Hanna Andersson, Burt's Bees, and L'oved Baby. We are extremely careful to avoid pajamas that are made of synthetic fibers (like polyester — a plastic) or are treated with flame-retardant chemicals.

Hanna Andersson Organic Cotton PJs: We have these for our entire family, me and Jeff included, and our kids have many prints and patterns from this brand. They're extremely durable organic cotton, and can be returned at any point if the fabric wears out in the knees or the zipper breaks! Be careful, though, as they do carry some synthetic fabrics in the nightgowns for girls!

Burt's Bees Organic Baby/Kids Pajamas: Straight organic goodness. They tend to be thinner and stretch-out a bit more than Hanna Anderssons, but they come in more creative details.

L'oved Baby Organic Cotton Pajamas: Wesley wore this brand almost exclusively for his first six months! Soft, cozy, and withstands lots of washings.

These are all my tried and true organic cotton pjs/essentials: for women's underwear I have iKotton and PACT, and InTouch for organic leggings, Fair Indigo for sleep shirts, and I have and love this PACT organic wrap dress.

Beyond this, it's important to think about sheets, towels, and home-cleaning products, but that's a post for another day!

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The Young Family Room, with plenty of blankets and pillows for gathering and snuggling together

As a family of story-tellers and creative thinkers, an important part of the Young Family home culture is watching weekly movies, and talking about them for days and days. But I know our family is not unique in this! Because every human plays a part in God’s grand plan, we all have this deep longing to watch how the details of life weave together to create the eternal story that began at creation.

The world right now seems so focused on numbers, quantifying everything (how viral did you go, how big is your "platform," how many people are you "influencing," how much weight did you lose, how many state capitals did your kid memorize, how many things did you fit into your schedule?) — reducing humans to mere machines! But a great story lights a fire in our imaginations, seeing the world as being full of creative possibilities and meaning!

My family gets so wrapped up in the “feeling” of a movie, we are affected by it as we go about our week. After one viewing, we can’t help but be changed, even just a little bit. So, we take the movie selection pretty seriously. (Lochlan even unintentionally memorizes entire scenes of movies he’s seen only once or twice, and can recite them back to you.)

When Jeff and I were dating in college, one of our biggest most heated disagreements was about movies. He would watch thrillers and some rated R movies that I felt were wrong for me to watch. I really wanted him to agree with me that even if you feel unaffected after watching something unsavory, the images stay with you long-term, and the changes come insidiously. We agreed to disagree, because he was a film-studies major, but over a two-year period, he spent a lot of time in the Bible and felt led to be more careful with what he let himself watch.

How we filter moviesWith children in the house, we are even more sensitive not just to offensive images, but to the overall heart of the story being told. When raising kids, there is nothing that is neutral — everything affects them, for good or for bad. We’re not trying to raise up overly-sheltered souls— we’re aiming to shape their characters.

After we watch a movie, we want to be able to say that we became better humans because of it.

With Philippians 4: 8 in mind, we try to choose movies that honor God and inspire us to greatness!

• "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Some of the grandest stories ever told depict true evil and genuinely scary situations, but we feel that kids need to be exposed to some level of these things before entering adult world! When they realize how dark life can be, they’ll see the value in the light that they possess. We want them to become the heroes of their own stories!

[We avoid: movies that don’t have a message or real conflict (most kids movies fall under this category of "fluff"— why waste their precious time?), movies in which the overall tone is hopelessness, movies that are made for their shock value or “art for art’s sake,” movies that glorify the disintegration of Biblical family/marriage, stories in which you get in the mind of a murderer (or other sadistic characters), gratuitous violence and sexuality, and movies made by people who advocate for any of those things.]

What makes a story GREAT?Ah, my favorites are movies that show extravagant personal sacrifice for the benefit of others. Anyone who has done something to change the course of history for the better has had to go against the odds, experiencing pain and struggle and opposition. Anything worth doing is going to be challenging.

Beyond that umbrella, I look for movies that:

• *Show persistence and hard work, overcoming odds, going against the current, resisting temptations.
• *Value and honor EVERY HUMAN LIFE, at every life stage from conception to natural death, from any place, celebrating all their uniqueness and differences.
• *Are Visually beautiful, inspiring creativity, or sweet nostalgia.
• *Show Courage — inspiring us to confront evil, leading us to live God’s plan for our lives, encouraging us to DREAM, giving us the motivation to start a business or take a leap.
• *Question cultural norms that need tearing down.
• *Show the joy and beauty of a strong family, thriving marriage, deep friendship.

Here are some of our favorite movies, in no particular order. Each one falls under at least one of the above categories, but usually multiple. Jeff and I spent the last two weeks discussing this list, scratching things off and adding some on. There are a good 25 more that would get honorable mention, but the below are movies that we can confidently stand by!

Great Movies for Date Night At Home

Bella

There are about five movies that make me cry, and this is one of them. It’s about the value of human life and grief and the heart of a parent. We watched it first a year before we lost our daughter, Grace, and even in our childless state, the movie rocked us deeply. Les Misérables (1998)

A criminal who is shown radical forgiveness then extends that GRACE to everyone he meets, even to the cold-hearted policeman who pursues him relentlessly. One of the best stories of all time. Don’t bother with any other movie version of this story — this one is simply brilliantly acted. It's A Wonderful Life

This is my all-time favorite movie. A man doesn’t realize how much his life of sacrifices has deeply impacted nearly everyone around him. When his evil foe tells him he’s worth more dead than alive, he contemplates suicide, but is rescued by an angel who shows him his real worth. There is so much good to the movie, I glean something new every time. The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)

An innocent man is sent to prison, betrayed by his best friend. Thanks to a priest who believes God has a plan for this poor soul, he escapes prison, finds treasure, and goes back to reclaim his lost love. This story is TIMELESS — my great-great grandchildren will love it like I do. Joyeux Noel

Soldiers in battle in WWI recognize the humanity of the “other” side, seeing that both sides are simply blindly following orders, and they all come peaceably together on the battlefield to celebrate Christmas together — they share stories, share food, play games. I LOVE that these soldiers see beyond war and the insanity that it is, and instead embrace camaraderie by befriending their enemies. If you've missed this one, you'll really need to add it to your yearly Christmas movie line-up. (The fast-forward button will be needed for one short scene between a reuniting husband and wife.)The Hundred-Foot Journey

A family from India opens a restaurant in the French countryside (you’d have me based on the words “restaurant” and “French” alone), 100 feet across the street from an established Michelin- starred restaurant. The two restaurants compete, until the son in the Indian family begins to outshine everyone with his amazing cooking ability. It’s a beautiful movie that makes me want to cook more, savor more, start a business, be creative, and move to France!To Catch a Thief

I watch this movie when I desire a trip to the French Riviera and when I wish I could switch-out mom clothes for beautiful evening gowns! It’s a gorgeous-looking, elegantly-filmed mystery movie, and I watch it for the mood. Anne of Green Gables

This series is so good, our family watches the whole thing once every six months at least! An orphan girl who has never been loved uses her vibrant imagination to make life livable. She is serendipitously adopted by a grumpy elderly sister and quiet elderly brother, and she eventually charms them with her passion for seeing beauty where others are blind to it. Anne gives me the desire to slow down and soak in this beautiful world like she does!Sense and Sensibility

In a time when you chose your spouse based on their status in society—instead of for love—Elinor and Marianne had an uphill battle, as their father has died and they're left in financial ruin. Selfless and motherly Elinor is in love but is crushed to learn her man is already pledged to marry another. Her sister Marianne falls deathly ill when her love interest leaves abruptly. The story gets good when you learn how all the characters' stories weave together. An amazingly written adaptation of a classic novel—it's captivating even for a male to watch!The Lego Movie

Surprisingly more for grown-ups than kids! Lego blocks are designed to create. However, they generally come with a step-by-step instruction manual so that everyone builds the same thing. This satire shows us that the only escape from the robotic society we have become is in creative freedom. This story shows us that we can all be useful to those around us by being original. The movie is hilarious too. Dan in Real Life

A widowed father of three girls, who has given up on love and works as family advice columnist, joins his extended family’s annual retreat to a cabin in the Northeast. This just has a cozy fall feeling to it, and I love stories that showcase tight-knit families (flaws and all) and believable challenging parenting moments. The Help

A young writer secretly interviews and compiles the poingnant, painful stories of the "help" in a Southern, racist community — and publishes them, in order to open people's eyes to these women's immense value. One of the most entertaining movies, both in humor (when the most evil woman of the town gets deservedly hilariously humiliated for her hatred) and in power (one of my favorite storylines is how one of the women raises up the racists' children with as much love as if she were their own mother). Fireproof

Marriage is a promise and a lifelong commitment, but it requires going all-in, resisting your personal temptations and the fleeting allure of freedom. This is a Christian movie about a couple who've lost the desire to put any effort into their marriage, and have chosen selfishness. Thanks to a "love-dare" from the husband's father, the husband commits to 40 days of selflessly pursuing his wife's heart. Some of the lines and acting may seem a little cheesy, but the story is excellent! Pursuit of Happyness

A father’s drive to be a role model for his son brings them both to extreme poverty while he works an unpaid internship clinging onto the hope for a better life for them both. A powerful rock-bottom scene where he and his boy spend the night on the floor of a train station bathroom will live with you forever. A father's sacrifice, hard work, perseverence, creativity — this film contains so many of my favorite qualities.The Notebook

This is one of the few cases in which the movie far outshines the book itself! This movie is just visually beautiful to watch, with vibrant old-fashioned costumes, set mostly in the humid South. The young couple’s love story set alongside the elderly couple's love story, and the way they converge at the end, is just…sweet. Amazing Grace

John Newton, who committed some of the most atrocious acts to other human beings during the slave trade in England, became a Christian and radically changed his life. During that time, he wrote the song "Amazing Grace" and pastored a young William Wilberforce at a critical stage in his adolescent life. William Wilberforce, through extreme perseverance and dedication, helped establish a law ending the slave trade in England. Our redemption sometimes comes from those we invest in. This film motivates me to pour into others and to continue to fight for what I know to be right. Chef

(With caveats — lots of R-rated stuff — we are currently using VidAngel for movies like this.) From childhood, I’ve had this strong desire to start a restaurant. The creativity of cooking combined with the honor of serving and impressing strangers with something so intimate as food, is the stuff my dreams are made of. The main character is a sell-out chef, who’s ready to be Great again, so he starts over as the owner/chef of a traveling food truck. Lion

A little boy in India falls asleep on a train and lands far from home, completely lost, and can’t communicate where his home is. He becomes one of the thousands (an estimated 80,000 kids go missing every year in India) of lost kids, fending for himself and running from kidnappers, and eventually becoming adopted by an Australian family. Gut wrenching and painful, but once you’ve seen it, you can’t erase how thankful you feel to have the family you do, and how much you want to scoop up all those little ones and provide for them! I was weeping and shaking at the end.Great Movies for the Entire Family Nativity Story

I admit — I usually avoid movies about the Bible! They are almost always botched, boring, and badly acted. God's power gets watered-down. But this is more in the league of "The Passion of the Christ" — it's good enough to bring tears to my eyes and makes me want more. I reference this one all the time to my kids when I'm reading the Gospels to them, because it shows the humanity of Joseph and Mary. You get to envision what it would feel like to be pregnant with God's son! No matter what happens in your pregnancy — you know he's going to live and reign forever — what an exciting position to be in! The Sound of Music

A would-be nun falls in love with a hardened widower and his seven kids, who've all had to live a cold life of regimen and lacking the beauty of music. It's set in Salzburg, Austria — definitely one of the most stunningly beautiful places on earth — at the beginning of the Nazi takeover in Europe. The movie is not as much about music as it is about overcoming the pain of loss and the chains of rules (including those of the 3rd Reich), and moving in the risky direction of freedom in love. The entire family must attempt to creatively escape Austria, as the Nazis come to force the father into enlistment in their Navy.Father of the Bride (1991)

A father must let go of his only daughter, giving her away in an elaborate over-the-top wedding at their stunning suburbian home, even though no man is ever good enough for your innocent baby girl! The father-daughter relationship, the celebration of marriage and wanting the best for your children, and the classic beauty of the wedding reception itself, all make this one of my all-time favorites. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

To protect them from the dangers of war, a mother sends her four kids go to live with their uncle in a vast old mansion with endless empty rooms. Through the wardrobe in one of the rooms, the kids find a door to another world, one with new creatures, and a grand war between good and evil. The children find that they are the missing piece of this land's story — their part in the war has been foretold. They must rise up and be the heroes! Pollyanna

An orphan girl is sent to live with her rich, selfish, unmarried aunt, who rules her town – even the church – with her money. Pollyanna was taught (by her father, who tragically died) to see the good in all situations, and transforms the community with her optimism. When tragedy strikes Pollyanna herself, the town gets to show her how much she’s helped them.National Treasure

The founding fathers hid a treasure far from anywhere the British could have found it, and left clues in the most mysterious places — one on the back of the Declaration of Independence. This film strikes the adventurous chord in all of us, as the modern day treasure hunters decode the puzzle, using their knowledge of history. We all want to see the different artifacts in person now! Oh, to leave such a legacy for the next generations.The Secret Garden (1993)

A little girl has been neglected by her partying wealthy parents, and when they tragically die, she must go stay at the austere mansion of her uncle, who himself has succumbed to life-consuming depression since his wife has also died years before. The angry little girl hears crying in the night and is surprised to find another child just as loveless and neglected as herself. The girl happens upon a mysterious garden, which has a story all to itself, and hope is found in nurturing life and friendship.Beauty and the Beast (1991)

I'm not a fan of animated movies, since many of them seem to condescend to children instead of giving them something to aspire to. But the warmth and timelessness in the way the animated Beauty and the Beast tells its story (and its perfect soundtrack) make it a grand exception to my rule. Belle is beautiful both outside and in, as she works on her character by endlessly reading books, caring for her quirky outside-the-box inventor father, singing joyfully, and turning down the advances of local brute, Gaston. When her father is taken captive by a cursed man-beast, she heroically offers herself up as a substitute prisoner for him. In this mysterious castle, her sacrificial love warms the heart of the beast, inspiring him to become a new man. Little Women (1994)

Four sisters and their strong mother create a full, imaginative life in New England while their father is off in the Civil War and while they struggle financially. The girls write and act out plays, write their own newspaper together, sew their own clothes, school themselves at home. This story (both from the book and the movie) has shaped so much of who I am. Many parts are worth mentioning — their giving of their own Christmas breakfast to a poor family, the loss of their dear sister Beth, the struggle of Jo’s desire to find a place in the world as a woman with huge dreams. I can’t imagine anyone NOT loving this movie.The Incredibles

A family with exceptional powers are forced to hide the abilities from society and assimilate into suburbia. But as they try not to stand out, they are conflicted, as they realize they're letting their gifts go to waste.The Sandlot

In this summery nostalgic movie set in the 1960s, classic boyhood friendships are made between a group of kids who play baseball for no loftier goal than the sheer joy of it. October Sky

Feeling trapped in a small, depressed West Virginian coal-mining town, a teenaged boy motivates three other classmates to build a rocket with him. I love seeing intrinsic motivation like this — the boys end up learning and using calculus just for their rocket, they are seen as rebels and irresponsible, yet they press on in their strong desire to create! Cheaper by the Dozen (1950)

This was my mom's favorite movie when I was growing up, because it made having a dozen kids look crazy fun! She had five kids, and our chaotic, loud, loving home (and my mom's composure in the wildest of times) seemed a lot like this movie. (It was only in the past five years that I had to rethink having that many kids myself!) Though set in the early 1900s, many of the movie's good parenting moments seemed applicable to today. In the end, when tragedy strikes, the family shows what a loving foundation and excellent example has been set by these two parents. Swiss Family Robinson

When I was little, this movie made me want to get shipwrecked on an island so I could build a tree-house as elaborate as this family's. Every kid's imagination really gets going when they visualize how much fun could be had on a tropical island full of wild animals! I think Americans especially love the idea of pioneering an uninabited land, being self-sufficient, and starting something new! Hook

Legendary Peter Pan has grown up into a deadened work-absorbed lawyer, who has completely lost his sense of wonder. He's a terrible father and undevoted husband. When Captain Hook kidnaps Peter's children to bait him into a fight, Peter must relearn how to use his imagination and regain his childlike belief in achieving the impossible. Some of my favorite scenes are him imagining a glorious colorful food feast and food fight, and his return home with a new awed perspective of his children (and throwing his cell-phone out the window). Cinderella (2015)

Rather than a naive unintelligent doormat (that Cinderella is in the animated Disney version), this Cinderella is a woman rooted in virtue. She responds to her stepmother's hatred toward her not with more hatred, but with forgiveness and pity. She willingly serves the stepmother and stepsisters, without complaint. To the man who must tell her that her beloved father has died, she selflessly empathizes with HIM, saying, "That must have been very difficult for you." And she is an optimist — the movie begins and ends with "she saw the world not always as it was but perhaps as it could be..."Meet Me In St. Louis

In this cheerful musical, you meet a Victorian family living in a stunning mansion, with gorgeous period costumes, at the advent of the telephone and the World's Fair. You're taken through the different seasons and holidays and experience them as a Victorian — the summer party they host with ruffly swirly dresses and dancing, the hilarious five-year-old "Tootie" riding the ice-cart, Halloween with the kids throwing flour in the faces of their neighbors as their "trick", the beautifully performed "Have yourself a Merry Christmas" by Judy Garland. ****

When we stay in for movie night, I'll usually make some treat, like homemade popcorn (organic popcorn on the stovetop in a stainless stockpot — start with 4 kernels in a T of coconut oil and heat on high with a lid, until all 4 kernels pop! Then pour in 1/2 cup more kernels and continue cooking on high, stirring once every 10 seconds, until all popped, then turn off the heat and add lots of melted butter and salt!), or hot cocoa with homemade marshmallows! I've shared that recipe below!

Rich Homemade Hot Cocoa3 cups raw whole milk

5 T organic maple syrup

5 T organic cocoa powder

1/8 tsp Himalayan pink salt

3/4 tsp organic vanilla extract

1 scoop collagen protein powder (optional, for a nutrition boost!)

organic homemade marshmallows to top

This makes enough for all of us to have a little teacup full of cocoa, or for just Jeff and I to each have a mug and a half on our date night in!

Heat the 3 cups of milk in a saucepan on medium until warm, then whisk in syrup and cocoa. Continue to heat further, stirring with the whisk constantly, until hot enough to drink (but DO NOT allow to boil!). Then whisk in salt, vanilla and collagen powder. Serve with organic marshmallows on top!

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Join us for breakfast!

My first cooking video -- one of many to come! Just click the video below.

Years ago, when I realized I needed to go gluten free, and when I stopped using processed pre-made foods, I felt a little lost. Whole fresh kale leaves or plain uncooked sausage can be so intimidating! What do you do with that?! With lots of trial and error, I learned how to cook from scratch for most every meal. Mama tip: plenty of salt and butter make food taste gourmet!

I make some variation of this meal at least once per week!

If you're going to make the breakfast in the video, you'll need:

Ingredients* 1 block unsalted Kerrygold butter * 1 bag organic hash browns (potatoes are the only ingredient!) * 1 lb. local pastured plain ground pork sausage * pink Himalayan salt * organic ground sage * organic garlic powder * organic pepper * organic onion powder * 1 bunch organic curly kale * 3 fresh organic Roma Tomatoes * 6 fresh local pastured GMO-free eggs

Tools* cutting board * sharp knife * whisk * small stainless spatula * fork * glass mixing bowl * 3 frying pans: either stainless steel and/or iron skillet

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Our tiny backyard garden is producing more tomatoes than it EVER has in the past, not due to much we've done differently! Thanks God for your abundance. These tomatoes start out as seed (that I save from the previous year) in the cold of February on a windowsill inside the house, and the baby plants are gently added to our homemade compost-filled raised beds outside when it gets warm in May. Then the kids watch them explode with bounty in the late summer! This is better than organic — not a single synthetic chemical, no pesticide, fungicide, herbicide or even chlorinated water! And think of all those trillions of microbes we get to ingest with every bite!

We’re using tomatoes daily in every way we can, but it’s at the point where we need to make sauces and soups to freeze for fall and winter! Years ago, before we got rid of cable TV, Jeff and I used to like to turn on football on autumn Sundays and make tomato soup and grilled cheese, and then nap with the game playing on low volume in the background. Pre-kids! Ha.

We ate my homemade tomato soup (recipe below!) outside on our patio the other night and made it a memory. All of my kids adore it — our absolute favorite soup, with all its associations with one of the best months and times of the year. We ended the night with story time and roasting marshmallows in our fire pit.

The following recipe can be made dairy-free (paleo and GAPS) if you use avocado oil instead of butter, and skip the cream at the end. It's still perfection without the dairy! Also, like most of my soup recipes, this one uses the immersion blender, which is extra-necessary for this one because it purees the seeds and skins of the tomatoes, leaving only the slightest seed texture in the final product.

Best served with gooey melty grilled cheese. I used Three Bakers GF bread here with organic raw cheddar!

Fresh Garden Tomato Soup Recipe* 22 fresh Roma tomatoes, cut in quarters * 22 fresh grape tomatoes, cut in halves * (or about 7 cups chopped tomatoes of any kind) * 1/8 cup avocado oil * 1 T balsamic vinegar * 3 tsps salt * sprinkle of pepper * 3 T butter * 3 large carrots, peeled and chopped * 2 medium onions, chopped * 5 garlic cloves, minced * 2/3 cup fresh basil leaves, chopped in half * 1 tsp thyme * 1/2 tsp oregano * 2 bay leaves * 4 cups homemade chicken broth, unsalted * 1/2 cup raw heavy cream

Preheat oven to 450. Cut the tops off the bigger tomatoes, then chop, leaving skins and seeds in place! In a mixing bowl, combine the chopped tomatoes with oil, vinegar, 1.5 tsps of the salt and pepper, and stir. Dump the mixture on a large rimmed cookie sheet (jelly roll pan) and roast for 17 minutes.

While tomatoes are in the oven, chop other veggies. Melt the butter in a large stockpot and add the onions and carrots, and look over medium-high heat for several minutes until the onions are translucent, about 8 minutes. Add the garlic and stir for a minute. Add in the roasted tomatoes with all their juices. Add the broth, basil, thyme, oregano, bay leaves, and the remaining 1.5 tsps salt. Bring to a boil, then cover and lower heat to a simmer, and cook for 30 minutes.

Remove bay leaves. In the pot, purée soup using an immersion blender until basil leaves and carrots are not visible. Stir in cream. Salt and pepper to taste. ENJOY again and again!

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When I got married in 2005 and created a wedding registry, I had no clue what I needed for our kitchen. I knew I liked the look of copper pots because they were timeless (and received several of them — so gorgeous), and I had some intuition about non-stick and avoided it, but otherwise my list was threadbare. If I could go back and tell my newly-engaged self what to register for, it would be ALL of the things on the list below!

This list is for anyone who cooks, who desires to create healthy meals from scratch more often than not, and who wants to avoid toxic chemicals from plastics, aluminum, and non-stick surfaces.

Plastics

I have almost NO plastic anywhere in my kitchen. I got rid of plastics when I was trying to get pregnant for the first time, back in 2007. I learned then that they easily break down and leach toxins into the foods they touch. BPA and phthalates are just two of the very well known toxins from plastics that are potent endocrine (hormone) disruptors and can cause birth defects. Nothing to be messing around with when it comes to trying to form a healthy baby, or grow a healthy child! Just because other plastics are thought to be safe doesn’t mean they’ve been proven to be safe! So I avoid them ALL, but most importantly when they’re going to be in contact with hot/warm foods or acidic foods. This means no Saran wrap, no tupperware, no plastic spatulas or serving spoons, no disposable plastics, no plastic-coated paper plates, no plastic measuring cups, no plastic pitchers or bowls, no plastic sippy cups or baby plates, you get the idea!

Aluminum

Aluminum is repeatedly linked to Alzheimer’s and autism, and other neurological disorders. As with other metals, it targets brain tissue and accumulates there. It has NO biological role in the body, so it really should not be put in or on the body. I avoid aluminum cans (no sodas or even carbonated water in cans) and aluminum cookie sheets and pans, aluminum foil (especially to cook/grill with!!), and avoid aluminum wherever else I find it. Obviously, the worst offender is vaccines — the dose of aluminum that is given newborns at birth in the Hepatitis B vaccine is 20 times higher than the FDA safety allowance. But vaccines are a topic for another day!

Non-Stick Coatings

Right before I began researching non-stick chemicals in 2007, two of the most widely used versions of the non-stick Perfluorinated Chemicals— Teflon and Scotchguard— were phased out due to their causing cancer and reproductive harm. Sadly, they were quickly replaced with hundreds of similar (though mostly untested) perfluorinated chemicals that share many of the same qualities as Teflon and Scotchguard! They don't break down in the environment, so they also contaminate drinking water, and are released into the air when heated or burned. Just best to completely avoid non stick cookware, bake-ware, and other non-stick items like fast food wrappers and popcorn bags.

THE LISTThe all-around best kitchen tool materials would have to be glass or enameled cast iron, as these are so non-reactive. They don't readily leach into your food. Then stainless steel. Stainless can be reactive and can leach out its alloys like nickel and chromium, but you get what you pay for, so you want to buy high-end stainless.

These are my top tools, but they don't include all the little things in my kitchen, which are important to be toxin-free too! I love my wooden spoons, stainless whisks, glass measuring cups, hand mixer and stand mixer, glass and stainless mixing bowls, and so on!

The photos are links!

Henckels Santoku all-purpose Knife: One of the best purchases ever! I’ve used this multiple times a day to cut everything from veggies to meat for the past 10 years, without ever getting it sharpened, and it’s still ridiculously sharp! I hand-wash it, but otherwise it’s absolute perfection.

Henckels Paring Knife: Awesome for speedy peeling of apples and potatoes!

Organic Bamboo Cutting Board: It's naturally antimicrobial, doesn't ruin your knives, and it's nice and big.

All-Clad Stainless Steel Frying Pan: This is a great all-purpose pan, and makes perfect fried eggs. I typically use this daily, as well as a stainless/copper-core one from Williams-Sonoma. I have no issues with food sticking almost ever, as long as I use plenty of butter or coconut oil, and heat it well before adding food.

Le Creuset Dutch Oven: This is one of those family heirloom pieces that you just need to own for a great pot roast (like the recipe below!). I bought mine on super sale at an outlet, but I linked to one on Amazon.

Le Creuset Enameled Skillet: This is the only item on my list that I don't yet own! It's on my Amazon wish list and I hope to get it soon. Because I have a nickel sensitivity, I'd like to reduce my exposure to stainless steel, and enameled is probably the best option!

Enameled Stock pot: I was looking for a stock pot that wasn’t metal because stock cooks for such a long time (sometimes 48 hours) that things can start leaching out of the pot material itself. I use this very large pot for big batches of stock and for boiling corncobs and for family-sized batches of oatmeal.

Bamboo Ladle: This is one of my favorite items in my kitchen, because it's non-reactive wood, which is especially important when ladling out acidic tomato soups and sauces. It has a little hook on the end you can hang on your pot rack, or on the pot itself.

Lodge Cast Iron Griddle: I put this on two burners of our gas stove, and can easily make pancakes or paleo tortillas, or grill meat on the grill side. So much better than an electric version, especially since it’s iron (instead of toxic teflon).

All-Clad Measuring Cups: Extremely high quality stainless steel and the measurement lines will never come off since they're etched on there!

Rosle Garlic Press: Since garlic is one of the healthiest and tastiest things in the world, I use my garlic press almost every day. It minces the garlic finely, and you don’t even have to peel the clove before you put it in.

K Basix Box Grater: This is the third grater I've owned, and definitely the best. Extremely sharp!

Enameled Strainer: I have two of these! So much safer than mesh aluminum or plastic! And so much prettier too.

Citrus Juicer: I have one similar to this that I bought locally. I use it when I need to juice a lemon or a few oranges or a few limes for a recipe. I probably use it at least every other day!

Berkey Water Purifier with fluoride filters: I can’t rave about Berkey enough. We’ve had it for about four years and have had to replace the filters one time. This is one of those “can’t live without” sort of purchases. We have a whole-house water filtration system, and I still think the Berkey is necessary for 100% pure water. It removes fluoride (you may want that on your teeth, but you do NOT want to drink it as it is poison and linked to bone cancer, among many other diseases), pharmaceutical residues, pesticides, chloramines, chlorine, amoebas, and all the other scary things you don’t want in your water in even the tiniest amounts.

Enameled Kettle: I recently stopped using my chrome kettle in favor of this non-reactive enameled one (in white) because I want to reduce my chromium intake!

Frieling Stainless Steel French Press. It is insulated (keeps coffee hot), fully stainless (no plastic whatsoever), and is virtually indestructible. I have the 23-ounce and the 36-ounce.

Bialetti Stainless Stovetop Espresso Maker: Instead of buying a $3,000 espresso machine that has no plastic parts (all the cheaper ones have plastic or aluminum!!) we use this completely stainless steel stovetop espresso maker. It's cheap and super easy to use. I froth raw milk in my Breville frother to go on top of the espresso once it's done!

Breville Stainless Steel Frother: Once I got this, I no longer wanted coffee outside of my home. You can froth the milk on a nice warm setting where you’re not scalding it (especially if you have raw milk that you don’t want to kill), or you can do hot up to 160+ degrees. I make extra strong coffee and then froth raw cream and add a little spoonful of raw honey. It’s heaven on earth.

Stainless Steel Bakeware: I have stainless cookie sheets, muffin tins, mini muffin tins, and loaf pans. They are definitely more work to clean than non-stick, but I can't compromise on something so important. I still have a few non-stick cake pans, but I line them with parchment paper to avoid the PFCs leaching into the cake.

Gallon Glass Jars: These are great for brewing cold-brew coffee, making kombucha, or filling up your Berkey.

Quart Wide-Mouth Mason Jars: I use these for just about everything -- food storage, especially soups, broth storage, great for grains and nuts and flours in the pantry, perfect for making sauerkraut.

Pyrex glass food storage containers: Thanks to these, I have no need for saran wrap or aluminum foil or tupperware.

Ceramic Travel Coffee Mugs: Because coffee is very acidic, I like to carry it in non-reactive ceramic (rather than steel). Ceramic won't keep it as hot as long as steel, but on the plus side, it is dishwasher safe.

Glass Straws: We used to fly through plastic straws, and I would cringe every time my kids used one — especially when they’d drink something acidic like orange juice or kombucha, because the high potential for leaching toxins out of the plastic. We first switched to stainless steel straws, but I like glass even more because it’s so non-reactive.

Glass Mugs: We have been slowly transitioning our day-to-day dishes to as much clear glass as possible, especially bowls and mugs such as these, because those hold hot acidic soups and coffees. You want the least amount of reactivity in the items that hold hot or acidic foods! As a bonus, I love that you only taste the drink in these mugs — you don't taste the mug itself (which happens when you use mugs made of other materials!)

Clear Glass Bowls: Great durable snack or soup bowls!

Euro Cuisine Yogurt Maker: Super easy to use. I use raw milk, with starter culture and a tablespoon of gelatin to thicken, and I ferment on the 15-hour setting which reduces the lactose content.

Waring Blender: This was the only one I could find with a glass carafe!

Cuisinart Immersion Blender: I use this almost daily, to puree soups and sauces, and mash cauliflower. It’s wonderful because you puree right in the pot, instead of dirtying up a blender or food processor.

Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker: I use this multiple times a year, whenever I can obtain raw cream from our herd-share. My maple pecan recipe and peanut butter chocolate chip recipes are the best ice creams I’ve ever eaten — I'll be sharing the recipes soon.

Coffee time!

Grass-Fed Pot Roast* Grass-fed Organic Beef Roast, about 2.5 - 3.5 pounds (sometimes I’ll do two small ones together) * 3 T grass fed butter * 2.5 tsps salt * 1 large onion, chopped * 3 T arrowroot powder * 3 cloves garlic, minced * 3 cups homemade unsalted chicken broth * 1 T Worcestershire sauce (make sure it’s gluten free AND organic) * 2 bay leaves * 1/2 tsp dried thyme * 1/4 tsp ground pepper * 3 carrots, peeled and chopped into 1” chunks * 3 russet potatoes, chopped into 2” chunks

Preheat oven to 300. Dry the roast with paper towels and sprinkle salt on both sides (with about 1/2 tsp salt).

In a Dutch oven over the stove-top, melt butter on high. Add roast and cook over medium-high for 8 minutes on each side (top and bottom). Resist the urge to move the roast around as it’s cooking! Remove roast and set on a large plate. Roast should look kinda crispy on the surface!

Both sides have been seared!

Add onions to the pot and cook till translucent. Add 3 cloves minced garlic and 3 T arrowroot powder (or Pamela’s) and stir for 30 seconds.

Add 3 cups chicken broth and 1 T Worcestershire and 1 tsp salt and bring to a boil. Add 2 bay leaves, 1/2 tsp thyme, 1/4 tsp ground pepper, then shut off the stove. Add the meat back to the pot and put on the lid and bake 2.5 hrs in the oven on 300. Liquid/gravy should reach to the top of the meat.

After the 2.5 hours, add 3 carrots and 3 potatoes and 1 more tsp of salt to the pot, arranging the veggies around the meat. Return to the oven and bake for another 1.5 hours. The roast should be easily shredded with a fork! It will be melt-in-your-mouth good :)

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Back in 2011, when I got sleep, and only had one child (who took nice long naps), I was able to plan his birthday party. I went for Americana because his birthday was in July, and because it was a theme that I knew he wouldn't pick on his own as he got older and had a choice! (Subsequent birthdays were Trains, Superman, Larryboy Veggietales, you know...). Plus he had the most classic, American boy look to him, so I wanted 1950s antique boy toys, retro candy, a casual farmlike Americana style, classic American food.

On the morning of his first birthday party, I found out I was pregnant with Felicity!

Old timey Sweets

I hadn't gone 100% organic yet -- can you tell?! ;)

I made 68 of those cupcakes! Lots of work! I was frosting them just minutes before the first guests arrived.

Classic burgers and home-made pies, and red and blue cut fruit!

Nothing more American country than drinking of of Ball-Mason jars in the summer. They're on an antique checkerboard tray.

Jeff's mom made the pie. I designed and created the little signs and propped them up with clothespins

little antique truck

Everything down to the dish towels were red, white and blue!

We had so little decor in our home that this banner of Lochlan stayed up in the entryway for several years!

There's just nothing in the world like watching your firstborn child grow up. I would lie down in traffic for that kid.

Happy little family!

Vendor List:
I made all the Paper Goods. They included: the invitations/envelopes & thank-you cards, all food labels, Lochlan's high-chair banner, skewer flags for the fruit, trash/recycling signs (not pictured), and the wreath was my own creation too -- down to the little "welcome" flags made with my own paper designs!

Wall Banners: Custom made by HerBeautifulLife on Etsy.
Tablecloths: Upholstery fabric cut from rolls at Ikea.
Brown Paper Runners:Contractor's paper from Lowes ($7 a roll!)
Striped Dishcloths: Ikea
Galvanized Cupcake Stand and Silverware Caddies, Antique Pepsi Crates: Pottery Barn
Penny Jars with lids: Target
Decorative candy canisters and drink-straw holder: HomeGoods
Galvanized mini-buckets (that held the candy bags): Hobby Lobby.
Scalloped paper plates/napkins/cupcake toppers, Drink Dispensers, Drink Chalkboard Labels: Sur La Table
Lochlan’s personalized Bib: Custom made by LizaLane on Etsy.
Paper Drink Straws: HeyYoYo on Etsy.
Mason Jars: Can be found at Harris Teeter or WalMart, depending on when they're in stock!
My dress: Forever21 ;)

Antiques were bought from random shops in Virginia, and a few were borrowed from parents.

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There has never been a time when I could simply blindly accept things without boldly questioning them. For years, I thought that I was just strong-willed or obstinate, and I felt badly about it. When I was elementary school aged, dad had told me I should become a lawyer because my arguing with him could last for days. I wasn’t backing down (and neither was he) until we had reached THE TRUTH. This desire to get to truth (or the best, most effective answer in any situation) — even if it meant clashing with those in authority over me, even if it meant getting bad grades on a test, even if it meant appearing too passionate — has always been burning inside me.

One of my earliest school memories was getting a letter home to my mom that “Heather answers all the questions right, but does not follow instructions.” I was in first grade, and I wanted knowledge! That letter got sent home on more than one occasion. In high school, I got a “C” in PE because I didn’t buy the “right" kind of socks, and frequently left my socks at home. I didn’t follow arbitrary rules if they didn’t have a good well-defined purpose. Period. (Did I participate? Oh yes! And I loved sports so much I ran Cross Country two years of high school, and played softball two years. But socks, people, socks.) In college, the worst grade I got was in an intro to media design course, when the professor simply wanted everyone to copy a simple sunflower in Adobe Illustrator, using the same colors, same technique, same highlights and shadows. But I couldn’t conform to what everyone else was doing, and illustrated that flower my own way, spending hours upon hours extra, creating a digital masterpiece. My first full-time job out of college was at a marketing firm, where I was writing press releases and doing graphic design. Weeks into the job, I was in the boss’s office, correcting his grammar and syntax in an article we were creating, and I came at him with arms full of grammar books to back up my view. Follow his instructions even though I knew them to be wrong? Nope. Challenge.

This unquenchable desire to find that which is TRUE, that which is best, most effective, most original, and to reject traditions and rules and preconceived ideas, means I have spent a lot of time reading in search of truth. Several people have asked me recently how I find the right book on a particular subject, since there’s so much junk out there!

When searching for a book or looking for someone to trust, I’m looking for someone who questions and boldly challenges the status quo, the norms, the accepted, to arrive at ultimate truth. To find new ways of solving problems, we’ve got to look at these problems from creative perspectives! For me, there is nothing sacred that cannot be questioned. That question you heard asked by the bold lone-ranger in calculus or physics class— “When am I ever going to use this?!” is a VALID one, and should be answered to your satisfaction, or you should leave. I think it’s important to ask the toughest questions, especially ones involving people’s lives, bodily health, and freedom. (We don’t have the time in this short life to get every answer to every question, but we need to be confident about decisions we make about the things we put in/on our bodies, and the things that will affect whether we will have the freedom to ask those questions in the future.)

Ask whether Abraham Lincoln was right in invading the south. Ask whether it’s a good idea to say the pledge of allegiance to the flag — go through it word by word. Ask what is in your deodorant. Ask whether God exists. Ask whether it’s beneficial or detrimental to the average body to get a case of measles, or whether measles was created for a purpose. Ask whether bacon does your body good. Seriously, though. Go straight on down and ask each question and get to the root. These have concrete objective answers.

The authors who take on the challenge of questioning the majority may risk their careers, their income, their reputations. They will be called quacks. When you deviate from mainstream, though, you earn my respect..and my curiosity. I’ll buy your book.

But of course, non-conformity is not everything! To find truth, I want to understand a person's motive for sharing their view. I'll need to look at the studies included (and not just the abstract or the conclusion of the study!). I'll want to see if the ideas stand up to logic. I also want to see that they've experienced what they're describing to be true.

So, I've written a list of some of my favorite books/resources on the topics of nutrition/wellness, education, and Godly motherhood. These should all have asterisks next to them, warning you that I do not agree with every sentence written within the books! Some of them, I am skeptical of whole chapters! Besides God's Word, there is no perfect book. But these I think are pretty good.

Nutrition/Wellness* Nourishing Traditions + This is my go-to for how to prepare foods in a time-tested way — the way people have fermented or cooked their foods for millennia — for maximum nutrition and ultimate healthy digestion. How to soak beans, make sauerkraut, prepare organ meats, and then loads of other critical information. No excuse for not having this in your kitchen. * The Omnivore’s Dilemma + A mind-blowing look into how corn is in almost every processed food, the disgusting conditions in which feedlot meat is produced, and then shows a refreshing alternative in sustainable small farms — one called Polyface Farm, right here in Virginia. One of the best, most interesting books on food I’ve ever read. * Gut and Psychology Syndrome + When I was dealing with postpartum anxiety, I eventually turned to medication, which did NOT help at all. It was THIS book that helped me understand how my gut was the cause of my brain issue, and by going on the diet described, I was able to completely heal. * Eat Dirt + Describes different causes of leaky gut and how to fix them with diet. Simple and useful, especially if you have different health problems within your own family and need help solving each of them. * Cure Tooth Decay + I am prone to tooth decay despite excellent oral hygiene since childhood. This book explains how diet is the cause of tooth decay, as minerals are pulled from inside your teeth. I had no idea that teeth were such living things, or that cavities could heal! * The Peanut Allergy Epidemic + Another MIND BLOWING book. I don’t want to give away the ending, but I also do. It’s vaccines, ya’ll. Any injection can provoke the body to create allergies, and peanut is a "perfect allergen." The history and the science will rock you. * How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor + This doctor was far ahead of his time, recommending in the 1980s not to give your child fever-reducing medications, not treating earaches with antibiotics, and more. He calms down frantic parents with the reassurance that most illnesses are easily treated at home. * The Nourishing Traditions Book of Baby and Child Care + I didn’t get this one till I was pregnant with my fourth child, but it was a great refresher on pre-conception diet, fertility, pregnancy, birth, and early childhood health, all from an extremely natural perspective. * Dissolving Illusions + This book gives a very detailed scientific history of vaccination, FULL to the brim with peer-reviewed published studies. The only way I could enjoy this more is if it had a less creepy cover 😉 * The Untold Story of Milk + You’re going to want to read this if you are considering drinking raw milk. A full history of milk and pasteurization — from WHY milk began being pasteurized and why it shouldn’t be anymore. Milk is a very alive food, self preserving, and the microbes it contains are life-giving and protective against allergies and help you digest the milk itself. * The Moth in the Iron Lung: A Biography of Polio + It's about the bizarre history of the MANY causes of polio and it is FASCINATING! This seriously needs to be made into a movie! I was so riveted (even already knowing many of the details of the history) that I read it in three days. * The Marvelous Pigness of Pigs: Respecting and Caring for All God's Creation + Sustainable farmer, Joel Salatin, explains that caring how our food is produced and how farm animals are treated, pleases God. God's patterns in nature must be obeyed for health to follow. He's a REALLY entertaining writer. * Dirty Genes + We all have the ability to make our genes function at their best, or less than best. No longer are we bound by the antiquated idea that our genes are our destiny. Epigenetics — changing how genes function based on your environment/lifestyle — is the future of genetics. Dr. Ben Lynch tells about seven of the most common important gene polymorphisms, and explains what you can do to get the best health outcome with your unique genes. It's phenomenal, especially if you've had your genes analyzed and know your SNPs. I have the GST gene polymorphism, which makes it tough for my body to clear environmental toxins like car exhaust or BPA from plastics. His book helped me understand how to minimize those effects! SO GOOD.

Education* The School Revolution + Parents have the moral responsibility to control the content and structure of their kids' education. To Ron Paul, this means opting out of the government-owned monopoly of public schooling, and instead making use of the overwhelmingly vast availability of homeschooling materials in existence — many of these resources online! * Dumbing Us Down + The author of this was a teacher in NYC public schools for 30 years, and then concluded that compulsory government schooling is quite simply “dumbing us down.” It calls for the complete overhaul of a system that groups everyone with people their same age (unlike anything in the real world), locking them away for most hours of their day, teaching them to think the same way about the same things — not to be individuals with unique ideas. * Weapons of Mass Instruction + The same author of “Dumbing Us Down” writes the history of compulsory schooling, and how its creation of a “manageable” population of standardized workers (as opposed to self-taught inventors, creators, adventurers, leaders) has been deliberately designed since before the 1900s. * Folks, This Ain’t Normal + This covers a broad spectrum of topics entertainingly, so it's hard to sum up, but I'll tell you what I feel each time I read it: It makes me glad I had kids so I can raise them with a strong work ethic, personal responsibility, an entrepreneurial spirit, and teach them old fashioned skills like raising their own food. Written by the most famous farmer in America, Joel Salatin! * The Unhurried Homeschooler + An encouraging little book about trusting the Lord and in the instincts He gave you to educate your children, in your family's own way, at your own pace. I felt like a weight had been lifted when I read this! * For the Children’s Sake + If I were to read only one book about educating our young, it would be this one. She encourages us that children are capable of far more than we even envision for them, and that we should allow them to be individuals and use their own minds to learn skills. Instead of talking at them, and handing them “twaddle” (childish-cheesy junk unworthy of their intellect) , we simply provide them with the idea that knowledge is attractive and reading is delightful. * Passion-Driven Education + Nurturing a child's natural curiosity and helping them learn and grow through the process discovery and questioning.

Godly Motherhood* The Hidden Art of Homemaking + Initially bizarre and tiny, but inside it's a treasure. It's about making home a place of creativity, making ordinary life a meaningful work of art worth savoring. * The Lifegiving Home + This book seems to describe a lot of my own childhood home life...without ever having known us! It's about how to create a family culture that breathes refreshing life into all who come near it. Covers everything from soup to holidays to homeschooling to making home even in times of travel. * Supernatural Childbirth + When I lost Grace, a stranger sent me this book, which got tossed into a box until the day I was really ready for it. It contains the story of a woman who was told she was barren, and then got pregnant…four times! Then she took her faith to another level, and believed God could give her a painless childbirth… and she got that too! It’s a very strange, kooky book, and certainly not for everyone. But if your faith needs a kick-start in the area of fertility and childbirth, and you’d like lots of scriptures to memorize and recite to increase that faith, then this is for you. * Dreaming with God + Though not specifically about motherhood, it applies to it seamlessly. This is one of my top five books of all time! It encourages you in your walk with God to co-create this world WITH Him. God calls us His friends, and as friends we are working to make this world better for His glory. He is always doing a NEW thing, so we get to partner with Him and dream up how this newness will look! All about Godly creativity. * Mission of Motherhood + Counter-culture and life-changing, Sally Clarkson talks about the critical and challenging role of mothers spending TIME nurturing the hearts of their kids toward God. I bought it when Lochlan was a toddler, and back then I didn't grasp how good it was, because I hadn't hit the overwhelmed stage of motherhood just yet. Now, I read it over and over again.

How to Make Cold-Brew CoffeeWhat better kind of break than to sit outside with a book and a homemade iced coffee on a hot day like today?! My recipe is so simple, so yummy, and much cheaper than coffee out! My only problem is pacing myself with it, because it's smooth, sweet, not acidic tasting like hot coffee is, and it is strong!

Start with a whole 12-oz. bag of organic coffee beans. Coffee, when not organic, is heavily sprayed with pesticides, so I prioritize organic. I get Equal Exchange Love Buzz coffee because I think I've tried every other organic coffee I could find and this was the strongest, richest, and just all-around best! I've been drinking this brand for about four years.

Then grind the entire bag of beans to a coarse texture. Too fine will make it way way way too strong. I have a "burr" grinder that I hate (it makes a huge mess all over the counter), so I don't recommend mine!

Wesley likes the grinder's loud noise almost as much as he likes the vacuum cleaner's.

Then, dump the grounds into a tall 1-gallon size glass mason jar. Or you can split everything and put it into two 1/2-gallon size jars.

Next, measure out 14 cups of purified water, and pour on top of the grounds in the jar. It will be completely full. Since water is a main ingredient, I use our countertop Berkey for perfectly pure water. (See the Berkey behind me in the above photo.) We also have a whole-house filtration system, which takes out a lot of the chlorine, sediment, and other contaminants, before the water is further purified by the Berkey.

Put on a lid and let it sit on the counter to "brew" at room temperature for 18 hours — no more, no less. Then strain through a large French press in batches. Finally, pour into large jars and lid, then refrigerate until cold. Save the grounds to compost for your garden.

To drink, fill a tall glass 1/3 to 1/2 full with the cold-brew coffee, add 1 T organic maple syrup, lots of raw cream, ice, a few drops of organic almond or vanilla extract, and stir. A stainless steel or glass straw is the perfect accessory for this!

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When I read the Old Testament of the Bible, one of the most fascinating things to me is how OLD people seemed to live. Many far over 100, and without degenerative disease—they weren't crippled or losing their minds. I think this is due to their real food diet (as well as their slower pace of life, and their lack of environmental toxins like pesticides and pharmaceuticals).

You read all kinds of stories where the Israelites were healthier than those around them. Hebrew women in Egpyt (even before God gave out his dietary guidelines!) were able to give birth speedily!

• The midwives answered Pharaoh, “Hebrew women are not like Egyptian women; they are vigorous and give birth before the midwives arrive.” - Exodus 1:9

Real food then was milk (and fermented milk products like cheese) and meat from herding animals—the Israelites were shepherds and nomads, who milked their roaming animals, and ate the meat of those animals—and honey which you could get from the wild in small amounts, and seafood, olives, flax, vegetables, grapes. Bread happened when they put down roots, but it was sprouted, fermented, and carefully prepared.

They had some very high-quality (mostly animal) fats in their diets! We have so much to learn from ancient people groups like these.

They didn't see autism, diabetes, widespread allergies, developmental delays, and the wide range of cancers we see today. I believe diet is the number one way to prevent and treat these chronic diseases.

Poverty and hunger on the entire planet is decreasing, with improvements in the standards of living everywhere. Sustainable pesticide-free farming is now accessible, and organic, local food is getting cheaper as more farmers join the movement! Between our access to excellent emergency surgical care, and the availability of quality food, our current civilization has the potential to become some of the healthiest people ever! I'm so encouraged!

It's outlandishly FUN to research food and provide health (as best as I can) to my family. Over the years, we've discovered the foods that we enjoy and that make us feel healthiest, and we buy these most frequently. So I've put them into one big list and you can peek into our pantry and fridge and maybe get some ideas!

The pink words are links, so you can see what brands we buy online — mostly from Amazon, but also from Thrive Market.

I've ended the post with a sample meal plan for one week on real food :)

What I almost always keep stocked in my homePantryDry Goods:* Coconut Flour * Coconut Flakes * Almond Flour * Arrowroot Starch * Tapioca Flour * White rice * Wild rice * Rice pasta * Red Lentils * Brown Lentils * Quinoa * Oats * Grits * almonds * pecans (Wegman’s has best deals on these organic) * cashews (Wegman’s) * peanuts (I find them organic at Whole Foods) * pine nuts * Brazil nuts * pumpkin seeds * himalayan salt * celtic sea salt * baking soda * Pamela’s GF baking mix * stevia-sweetened chocolate chips * unsweetened baking cocoa * collagen powder * gelatin powder * teas: matcha, black, peppermint, nettles * sometimes: raisins, dried berries, Mary’s crackers , brown sugar, organic salami

Some things in the photo not on the above list are dried mulberries (short jar in foreground), dried garbanzoes (back big jar), spirulina (green container), and sodium ascorbate (below the green container)

Jarred/Canned:* Diced Tomatoes * Pureed Tomatoes * Tomato paste * sun-dried tomatoes * pumpkin * artichokes * Hearts of palm * water chestnuts * green chiles * white beans * black beans * kidney beans * garbanzo beans * wild-caught salmon

Some things shown here not on the list: my prenatals, my magnesium supplement, vitamin C supplement drink (it's yummy!!), molasses, and some beef bone broth.

Oils/Liquids: avocado oil * olive oil * sesame oil * coconut oil * coconut milk (no guar gum!) * coconut butter * raw* apple cider vinegar * balsamic vinegar * Worcestershire sauce (make sure to get gluten free!) * yellow mustard * avocado mayonaise * rice vinegar * red wine vinegar * coconut aminos * soy sauce * raw honey * maple syrup

Vegetables:* Onions (lots) * red onion * Heads of Garlic * Butternut Squashes * Spaghetti Squashes * potatoes * sweet potatoes * purple sweet potatoes * Seasonally: produce from the garden like tomatoes and pumpkins

Fruit:* Bananas * Apples * Mangoes * Seasonally: Pears, Peaches, Clementines, etc.

I usually keep apples and pretty fruit on the counter!

Fridge:* local raw milk * local pastured GMO-free eggs * broccoli * cauliflower (2) * cabbage * beets * radishes * curly kale * box of baby romaine * huge bag of whole carrots * ginger root * lemons * oranges * strawberries * blueberries * limes * cucumber * peppers * butter (7 cups a week) * raw cheddar * mozzarella * parmesan * sour cream * organic deli meat (carrageenan-free): roast turkey, ham, chicken * Applegate organic hot dogs * chicken sausages in different varieties: apple, caprese, etc. * 3 pounds ground beef * pesto * kimchi * sauerkraut * homemade yogurt * homemade bone broth * turkey bacon * pork bacon * natural peanut butter (only peanuts and salt) * Seasonal veggies and fruit: grapes, arugula/zucchini from garden, asparagus, green beans, etc.

Can you tell I am obsessed with cruciferous vegetables?! Cauliflower, brussels sprouts, kale, broccoli, and cabbage are my favorite vegetables on the planet.

Freezer:* whole local pastured chickens and chicken feet * local pastured plain ground pork * local pastured pork shoulder * beef or chicken livers, heart * wild-caught salmon * wild-caught haddock * wild-caught cod * plain hash browns * raspberries * strawberries * cranberries * blueberries * blackberries * cauliflower, carrot, broccoli mixture

A week of mealsHere's a realistic sample of a week of real-food meals in our house. All organic. Local when possible. Super simple—nothing that takes me hours of toil to make. In the past, we have cut out grains (oats, rice, corn, etc) from our diet, and I would also make absolutely everything from scratch, including ketchup, mayonnaise, all salad dressings, kombucha, barbecue sauce, and I would even sprout our lentils. But with a young infant, and with awesome quality store-bought options like avocado mayo, I don't stand in the kitchen QUITE as much. The one thing that is unrealistic about this list is that at some point in there should be an eat-out meal or two, which just pushes some of these dishes to the next week. I'm a big fan of True Food Kitchen as my break-from-cooking outing. Bonus that it's near Anthropologie ;)

Monday

• Breakfast: Pork sausage, sautéed kale, hash browns, glasses of raw milk, bananas.
• Lunch: Lentil soup, grain-free cheddar biscuits
• Dinner: Salmon cakes & sour cream sauce, baked sweet potatoes, romaine salad w/ pumpkin seeds, flax oil & ACV dressing

Tuesday

• Breakfast: beet/carrot/ginger/lemon/apple juice, Chicken sausage, fried cinnamon apples
• Lunch: meatballs, homemade tomato-onion sauce, rice rotini
• Dinner: Spaghetti Squash and Cabbage Chow Mein

Wednesday

• Breakfast: Grain-free Pumpkin Muffins, fried eggs, fresh blueberries, glasses of raw milk (and I will usually add some sort of leafy green to my own breakfast)
• Lunch: cauliflower soup, bacon, green onion.
• Dinner: honey glazed carrots, cod fingers, strawberry Kevita

Thursday

• Breakfast: homemade yogurt, flaked coconut, nuts, frozen blueberries
• Lunch: chicken/white bean soup, ginger kombucha
• Dinner: Roasted Maple Brussels Sprouts/Pecans, burgers with melted cheddar and avocado mayo.

Friday

• Breakfast: pork sausage, black beans, tomatoes, kale sauté, w/ melted cheddar on top
• Lunch: grass-fed beef hot dogs, sauerkraut, buttered corn, apple slices
• Dinner: chicken vegetable (pepper/onion/garlic/broccoli/carrot/ginger/scallions/water-chestnut) cashew stir fry

Saturday

• Breakfast: turkey bacon, roasted sweet potatoes, fresh strawberries
• Lunch: kale salad (lemon, carrot, radish, avocado mayo, ACV, parmesan), deli-meat roll-ups and raw cheese cubes
• Dinner: broiled steaks, roasted garlic cauliflower, homemade peanut butter raw-milk ice cream

Sunday

• Breakfast: Soaked oatmeal with frozen raspberries, pecans
• Lunch: grass-fed pot roast with carrots, potatoes, green salad.
• Dinner: Butternut squash soup, bacon.

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Felicity turned five and Heidi three in the past week and a half, so we decided to do a shared birthday party. These girls are some of the most feminine, girly girls you've ever met, so princess party seemed perfect. That and I knew I could find stuff in that theme on the fly if things got too stressful to plan a party in the week before. Four kids are HARD to manage even without adding in parties, especially with them all close in age and home-schooled. But this is the stuff that I dreamed about before having kids! I wanted to make memories that my kids would talk about to their kids. I did all of the baking at night while the littles slept!

Heidi looking serious (she's not) before the party, in her princess gown and gloves. We literally rolled out the red carpet for the guests -- our first all-girl party! The guests dressed as princesses too. It was adorable!

I made organic marshmallows (with vegetable-dyed GMO-free sprinkles!) using my mom's recipe, two days before the party and froze them. They're yummiest when they've been frozen!

The party favors were little dollhouse miniature cakes and tea sets, and little tiaras atop the marshmallows.

I ordered some old silver teapots from Etsy and filled them with fresh flowers.

My sister, Rachael, loaned me some of her gold-and-white antique teacups from her wedding.

We used the kid table and dining room tables for eating, and then afterward, we moved to the kitchen and there, each guest got to paint a canvas to take home.

I used blush pink linen napkins and glasses for the party! I bought both when the stores were having 20%-off sales!

Everything at the party was gluten free! Both homemade: the cake on the right was a lemon cake, and the cupcakes were almond, both with (grass-fed) buttercream frosting. We also had organic jellybeans, macarons, organic strawberries, and organic lemonade. The cupcake stand is MeriMeri!

We're on sugar overload over here, and I'm totally ready to be back to healthy food now!!!

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When we returned from our honeymoon in 2005 and were living together for the first time, Jeff and I started trying our hand at fancy cooking with our brand new beautiful copper pots and pans that had been gifted to us. Within weeks, these meals became HUGE and elaborate and there was no way we could finish them alone! So, we started calling friends over to eat with us on weeknights. Our apartment was ugly and empty, but conversation with visitors over a meal made it feel like home. There's rarely been a time during our 11-year marriage that we didn't have guests over at some point during the month. Even during our long 16-months of extreme sleep deprivation with baby Heidi, we would invite over dinner guests every two weeks!

Life is so short — we want to spend meaningful time with people! And we’ve invited people into our home from a wide variety of backgrounds and age-groups and political affiliations — it feels like a view of Heaven on earth. It has added this amazing richness to life, that I always look forward to who we are going to invite next! Our kids get to hear viewpoints they’d never otherwise hear, and experience all kinds of personalities! Often, the conversation is so lively that our guests stay till 1 a.m., some holding their sleeping kids on their laps.

I want our guests to leave feeling encouraged and inspired to do whatever God has placed in their hearts. My parents’ home is this way! I can’t leave Glasgow Farm without feeling this overwhelming desire to CREATE! Somehow I always see my life as brighter and better than when I came. My mom and dad are the most intense listeners, and when they do speak, it is full of wisdom and love, without even a hint of preachiness. This is my hope and goal for anyone who enters my home too!

Growing up on the farm, we always had guests over for dinner — there were my dad’s employees and colleagues, carpenters and plumbers and electricians who were helping renovate our farmhouse, church friends, people who wanted prayer for healing or for their marriages, kids of single moms, families who needed diet advice (my mom had put us all on the Fiengold diet and seen drastic improvement in our health), school friends, strangers — and my parents became famous for their hospitality. Today, the farm is a wedding venue and there’s nobody who comes that doesn’t want to STAY!

What is it that people feel there?! My parents radiate love and generosity — the Holy Spirit is very evidently at work. And when you genuinely love and want the best for your guests, they feel it.

Some of the practical things I’ve learned to make my guests feel at home are these:

(Note: These are ideas, not rules!!!! There are times when the best you can do for guests is offer them a glass of water, as you sit and chat surrounded by babies and dirty diapers, and the bigger kids go climb the curtains ;) The MOST important thing is to INVITE people into your home! The rest is just extra!)

1. Go all out. Make each visit to your home a memory for the visitor. If you’re having people over just for coffee, then make it special with homemade whipped cream or add in vanilla and cinnamon. If it’s a play-date, offer to make lunch for everyone. Plan dinners in advance and do your absolute best — make your guests feel like royalty. Use your best dishes and linens! Once they arrive, stop dish-cleaning and leave the dinner mess (even leaving the dishes till the next morning!) so that you can be fully present with your guests every second that they’re there!
2. Ask them lots of questions.
3. Buy the foods that you know your guest loves (and that they’re not allergic to). If they like red wine, buy the best you can afford! If they eat organic or vegan or keto and you don't, ask around for the best recipes and shop for the ingredients that will be the most delicious! Taking on the challenge of the limited menu will make your guest feel loved and cared for. Put them first, above what you like and are used to.
4. Be flexible! Expect people to generally show up late, especially if they have children. Noisy kids? They’re bored—let them go play while adults talk! Put away stuff that you don’t want broken, and don’t get upset if it does. We have had so many spills, torn fabric, broken dishes, and lost toys when guests have come, and I honestly do not care — the people matter more than the things. I want their memory of their time with us to be only love.
5. Make the ambience conducive to conversation and relaxation. Dim the lights and add unscented candles and lots of clean cozy blankets. Overhead lighting is a NO, unless it’s on the dimmer. At parties, I actually take out lightbulbs so that no one inadvertently turns on overhead lighting! Clean the powder room meticulously and stock it with lots of extra T.P.
6. Put away distractions—turn off the TV, stash your phone for the entirety of the visit, put the pets away (or in the yard if someone has allergies).
7. Don’t have ulterior motives. This is supposed to be fun for everyone. Don’t DARE try to sell your guests anything or talk business.
8. Even the temperature of the home matters. Is the pregnant person fanning herself? Are the kids' cheeks all bright red? Did someone just ask for their coat from the closet? Can you see goosebumps on their skin? A good rule is never below 67 and never above 72 when you have guests. Remember — them first!
9. Pray before the meal and give God your visit.

When we have dinner guests, I like to make a really special dessert. But of course, I will never compromise on my belief that we should never consume artificial ingredients like food colorings or hydrogenated vegetable oils or gluten or GMO sugar! This cake is one of the yummiest things I've ever made. It's loaded with organic sugar --definitely not an everyday type of food! But for celebratory occasions, this is perfect.

Gluten Free Lemon Cake with Blueberry Frosting* 3 cups Pamela's Gluten Free Baking Mix * 2 1/2 cups organic sugar * 1 tsp baking powder * 1 1/2 cups grass-fed unsalted butter (I used Kerrygold), softened (DO NOT MELT) * 1 cup raw whole milk (best from Guernseys or Jerseys because of the high fat content!) * 5 pastured eggs * 4 organic lemons, zested and juiced * 1 tsp organic gluten free vanilla

Preheat oven to 350 and set out your butter to soften. Zest (avoid getting any of the white pith in the zest) and juice your lemons. Butter and flour (with Pamela's) two 9" round (2" deep) cake pans. In a stand mixer using the flat beater, combine dry ingredients (Pamela's, sugar, baking powder) and then add in the softened butter and 3/4 cup of the milk and mix just until combined.

In a separate bowl, whisk together the rest of the milk, eggs, vanilla and the juice and zest from the lemons. Add the liquid to the ingredients in the mixer in parts small enough that they won't splash when you turn on the mixer, and mix just until well combined. Do not over-mix!!!

Pour into two cake pans, filling each pan to 2/3 full (if you have excess, put it in a smaller third pan — don't overfill the pans or they'll overflow onto your oven), and bake for 36-38 minutes or until the middle doesn't really jiggle. Don't go much over 38 minutes or it will over-caramelize the sugars and be too brown!

Place pans on the stove-top and allow to cool for 10 minutes, then run a knife along the edges to loosen the cake from the pan. Gluten-free cakes tend to stick! Place parchment paper on top of the cakes and then flip out onto cooling racks, and allow to fully cool, around 45 minutes. Then put them in large ziplock bags or wrapped in saran (keeping the parchment on) and cool further in the fridge for ease of decorating (overnight).

Blueberry Frosting* 2/3 cup frozen organic blueberries * 1/8 cup water * 5 cups organic powdered sugar * 3 sticks (1.5 cups) grass-fed unsalted butter, softened to room temperature * 2 tsp organic gluten free vanilla extract

Place the blueberries and water in a small saucepan over medium-low heat on the stove. Heat for 10+ minutes until much of the water has evaporated and the mixture is bubbling. Pour the mixture into a strainer over a bowl, pressing on the blueberries so all liquid comes out. Refrigerate this liquid and allow to fully cool. Cream butter in large mixing bowl using a stand mixer with whisk attachment. Slowly add in powdered sugar, a cup at a time, mixing well after each addition. Add in vanilla and thoroughly mix. Begin to add the blueberry liquid a tablespoonful at a time, mixing after each spoonful, until the texture is perfect for frosting the cake and the color is what you want! It can range from hot pink to dark purple depending on how much blueberry liquid you add. Whip for 2-3 minutes. If you need more liquid, add a tablespoon or two of heavy raw cream and beat well. Frost that cake with a piping bag and tip :)

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“The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first.”

(My whole story of Grace starts here, at The Beginning)

When I came home from the hospital and began my mourning process after losing Grace, one of the first things I did was open my Bible. I wasn’t really looking for answers – I was looking for a familiar friend.

God was there, and I needed him more than ever before in my life. I immediately went to the place I had left off the day before Grace died – Job 38.

I cannot tell you how powerful it was to realize God had put me there, in that chapter, enduring sadness I’d never experienced before in my life. Because up until that chapter in the story, God had allowed Satan to take away everything Job had -- his source of income, his home, his health, but more importantly – he’d lost his 10 children. Satan had killed every last one of them. I connected with Job on a level I wish I didn’t.

Up until that chapter in the story, God hadn’t shown up. And still, Job never rejected God. But in chapter 38, God spoke.

I shivered.

And it’s funny, when He finally spoke, God didn’t explain himself. He didn’t tell Job that Satan was the one causing him all of this pain. He didn’t tell Job that He was merely allowing Satan control in the situation. No, he just poetically tells Job about the details of his creation on earth – down to the goats and ostriches -- that He loves and cares for.

And that love humbled poor Job. After everything he’d been through, Job realized that God was still a loving God.

And Job asked for forgiveness. Wow.

And you know what came next? It’s so good it brings tears to my eyes, especially now. It says that after Job prayed, “the Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.” It gets better. “The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first. … And he also had seven sons and three daughters.”

In my own utter despair, I gained a flicker of hope.

He’d given me hope that He’d bless me again.

I had hope in Him, even though I hated what God had allowed to occur. And much later, I would go on to cry out to him in anger. The year after Grace died got progressively worse over time, as shock wore off and I truly began to mourn. But hope remained…

Grace's memorial service one week after she was born

Jeff praying.

Our dear Grace was buried at my parents' farm.

Surviving

The first six weeks after Grace’s birth were a daze. My body and mind were in such a state of shock that I didn’t really know what was happening. My brain turned off and my emotions didn’t kick in. I was blank. Coffee, my life’s one luxury for which I’d longed for nine long months, didn’t taste like anything. I couldn’t cook, exercise, talk, or go to the store. My breast milk came in and I didn’t have a baby to feed – my body was so confused. Between adrenaline from the shock of tragic loss, and the crazy rollercoaster ride of postpartum hormones, I was most certainly not myself. When Jeff went back to work, I would cry all day and then suffer migraines from all the crying.

But God was there even still.

He was present through people, friends, acquaintances, even strangers. From the moment we got home from the hospital (actually, before we even left!), flower arrangements, personalized jewelry, books, and heart-felt cards started flowing in. With cards and Facebook messages and emails, we literally got hundreds of each. A lot of times, I couldn’t even process what they said. I also didn’t really notice who sent the cards, but I felt comforted by their presence. Some days, going to the mailbox was the only thing keeping me going. People in different churches, in different states, friends of friends, all were sending us encouragement. Several others sent money and gift cards, some offered to do our shopping for us, and our small group from church made us meals.

We allowed people to pour into us when we needed their support to stay standing. And in December, only days before Christmas, we needed that support more than ever.

Another Attack

I think that by Christmastime, many had assumed the worst of my mourning would be over. After all, it had been six weeks. But as you know, I’d been in shock, and hadn’t even started the process of sorting out my emotions. All I’d done for six weeks was breathe all day long, and then cry myself to sleep every night. Well, on December 20, I began what I thought was my first postpartum menstrual period. I was slightly and oddly glad at what seemed to be the return of my fertility. But within hours, gladness moved to fear, as the bleeding became scarily excessive.

I called the doctor’s office, only to hear them tell me it was only a heavy period. I called again the next day, clearly worried, and still, they were not. The fourth day, I felt so weak and lightheaded from ever increasing blood loss that I couldn’t even sit up. I was on the floor, curled up in the fetal position, when the doctors called back finally convinced that I needed to get an ultrasound … fast.

The smell of ultrasound gel, and the cold dark room drummed up terrible memories of November 3, and I became feverishly gripped by fear. I was so terrified and crying that I couldn’t even tell the ultrasound technician what was going on – Jeff had to explain the situation. And unfortunately, the ultrasound showed something terrible. When I’d delivered the placenta after delivering Grace, somehow large pieces of it had remained inside of me. Clearly, my body thought it needed to get rid of them, and had been basically bleeding me to near death. Had I continued to bleed at that rate, I don’t doubt that I eventually would have died.

I would need an immediate D&C, a surgical procedure where they scrape the inside of your uterus.

If I had wanted to begin to heal emotionally, this was quite the setback. For one, retained placenta can cause horrible uterine infection, and infection can cause scarring. And a D&C on an infected uterus can cause even worse scarring. Your uterus can be ruined; the ability to get pregnant can be taken away.

We were well aware of this and it was my last thought as I was put under general anesthesia. “How, Oh God, can you continue to allow more and more heartache?”

When I awoke and was puking, my doctor told me that there was no infection. We had to wait several weeks, though, for the biopsy for what was in there. It could be cancer, it could be anything.

I then moved into a state of panic. I had thought we were over the worst of the tragedy, but then the new fear for my health had taken me by surprise. I spent much of my time just praying that God would stop me from allowing myself to slip into such a dark depression that I couldn’t come out. (Thankfully, when the biopsy came back, it had not been cancer. It was indeed placenta. But our fears about what that D&C had done to my uterus remained for many months.)

But there was always that teeny tiny hint of hope. We knew God would bless us again. We simply knew it down deep in our souls. God had placed this UNQUENCHABLE desire to be parents to living children.

Stepping Forward

And so only two months after Grace went on to be with the Lord, we started trying again for her little brother or sister. We knew things would be easier to endure if we had another baby to nurture. And in March, we got pregnant again. In utter weakness, I didn’t allow myself to get excited. This baby would be due in November like Grace had been. It was eerie.

But this one went home to be with the Lord too. I didn’t think God would allow me to go through more pain after losing Grace. I didn’t think more pain was even POSSIBLE. But it was, and it caught me completely off guard. It was the death of yet another one of my children.

I can honestly say I was walking in misery for the next few months. I was in so much pain that any little thing that anyone said had the potential to deeply wound me. I didn’t want to see people, especially mothers with newborn babies. We even stopped going to our small group bible study that we had loved. Everything reminded me of Grace, everything reminded me of what we’d lost. And I was always prepared and waiting for another dose of pain, a new tragedy. My body and mind were living in anxiety, always expecting the worst.

Honestly, when we bought our house and began the building process in May, I wasn’t even thrilled about this momentous occasion. I just wanted to be a mom. We found out the builder accepted our offer the day I learned I wasn’t pregnant that month.

But in June, we got pregnant again. This pregnancy -- which I was trying desperately to keep with progesterone supplements and bed rest (I even missed Jeff’s brother’s wedding because of it)-- was even more difficult than the other when it, too, was lost. I knew my purpose on earth is to bring God glory, and I knew God had planted this desire in my heart to bring Him glory THROUGH being a mother. But I told God that if I didn’t get to be a mom to a living child, I really didn’t know if I wanted to live at all.

After that second miscarriage in July, we wondered if we had a serious problem -- that maybe there was something new causing these losses. While I was still in the process of miscarrying, I made our first appointment with a fertility specialist. We had already done genetic testing on Grace (even though we knew the cause of her death had been the cord entanglement), and as we expected, the results had shown that she’d been perfectly healthy in every way. They’d done every blood test in the world on me too. Thyroid was good, no blood clotting issues, no hormonal imbalances, no nutritional deficiencies, nothing. So the doctor suggested – much to our horror – that there could be something physically wrong with my uterus, that maybe when I had the surgery to remove the retained placenta in December, perhaps the surgeon had been too rough in there and caused scarring. I already had symptoms that hinted at scarring, making it all the more likely.

This, to me, was the worst-case scenario. If scarring was covering much of the surface of the uterus, a baby could never implant deeply enough to live past the first trimester. I might never be able to have kids again.

Something within me told me this wasn’t right. But I wanted to be sure. So we agreed to move forward with semi-invasive testing to see if there was something going on in there. I knew God was going to show us a miracle. Should I allow doctors to dampen my faith?

After some serious prayer, I cancelled the procedure the day before it was scheduled.

But the next month, I was disheartened once again, and I went through with it. And praise be to the God of all, the procedure showed that there was nothing wrong with my uterus.

All the while, through every one of these trials, God was building my faith in Him.

A few days after that miscarriage, my dad called and told us he was taking us out to a nice restaurant. He said he we were declaring in Jesus' name that this spirit of death was gone. We all prayed together and agreed. Have you ever noticed how God shows up when your hope in anything else has gone? When he's all you have left? He waits for that moment to display His power. THIS is when it starts to get GOOD.

• But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Believing God

With the loss of Grace and my miscarriages, I realized that God doesn’t cause death. As a matter of fact, he sent His Son to conquer death once and for all. He is a LOVING GOD. But sometimes God allows Satan (see the story of Job!) and the powers of darkness in this world to attack us and attack our tiny unborn babies. The thing was, I never realized before how much power we have in Jesus’ name to overcome the enemy and defeat his plots against us! But my faith had to be strengthened.

It was first strengthened through prayer. Throughout much of my life I had sort of figured that we were supposed to pray, but that it didn’t make much of a difference because God was going to do what he was going to do anyway. Of course, that was until I started to read and think about what God actually says about prayer.

For one, he says in James that the “prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well.” I must have read that verse a million times before, and it never dawned on me that the power in the verse was the “in faith” part. I had spent so much time just begging and pleading for God to give us a healthy pregnancy and a living child at the end, but I didn’t truly believe God would definitely answer my prayer. It’s funny how as Christians, we’re called believers, but so often we are filled with disbelief. We needed to pray in faith that God would remove whatever was causing the death of our unborn children. We needed to actually believe God is all-powerful.

I could go on and on with verses that say the same thing about faith and prayer. From His word, we knew He was going to heal us. Psalms 103:2-3 “Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits — who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases.”

There were a lot of people who asked me, in one way or another, how I could still love or trust a God who had allowed me so much hurt, so much death and loss. Some went so far as to mention that children may not be God’s will for some people. (By the way, to attempt to tell anyone God’s will for his or her life is a pretty bold move – don’t do it unless it’s scripturally founded!)

Thankfully, I had found in God’s word some exciting stuff regarding our offspring – that having kids is indeed His will. We know that in the very beginning of the Bible in Genesis 1, He commands us to “be fruitful and increase in number.” Children were his beautiful idea, and He didn’t just allow us to have them – He commanded us to!

The Bible is FULL of verses in which God calls children a “blessing,” a “reward,” and our “inheritance.” Having children is clearly God’s desire for us, his will. I began reading these verses daily, writing them out and taping them to every surface of our house, memorizing them, speaking them aloud.

“He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children.” Psalm 113: 9 “Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” Psalm 127:3-5 “Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table.” Psalm 128:3

(there are LOTS more)

And you know what else I found in his word? I found that every single barren woman in the Bible conceived and gave birth to a living baby. You just don’t see sustained barrenness and miscarriage in the Bible – they are not His will.

With scripture, faith and constant prayer under my belt, I was ready to believe without doubt that God had healed us of anything that could cause miscarriage, and that He was about to bless us with a generation of Godly offspring. I’d begun praying like I’d never prayed before. I began believing in God’s power like I’d never believed before. I continued worshiping God for being the awesome loving creator that He was and had always been in my life.

A Year Complete

It was by October that I had truly turned a corner. We were nearing Grace’s birthday, and instead of being depressed and perpetually teary (as I had expected to be), I was actually feeling joy from time to time. I was able to thank God for blessing us with our nine precious months with Grace, and was genuinely thankful for the life He’d given me – a husband who was perfect for me, a new home, a freelancing job I loved, an overwhelming peace and confidence in Him. My soul longed and cried out to God for a baby, but I had faith that a baby was coming.

In mid-October, Jeff was supposed to be a groomsman in a wedding in Minnesota, and the day before we were to fly out, I had a breakdown. I’d thought my emotional wounds had healed, but a year of mourning had worn me down, and it all came flooding in. And I was bitter than an entire year had passed since we lost Grace, and all I seemed to have accomplished that year was to get through the worst of my mourning. I felt like I'd just been forced to waste a full year of my life. I feared that the happiness of a wedding would cause me to be jealous of the newlyweds’ innocence – they’d probably get pregnant on their first try, never lose a baby, never experience this kind of pain. But Jeff, being the loving husband he is, prayed with me, let me sob, patiently listened to me express my pain. (He’s such a good listener!)

And that was the last time I was deeply sad.

We went on to the wedding, and I felt genuinely happy for the couple. And I felt healthy and energetic for the first time in a year – I’d lost all of my pregnancy weight plus some, we’d been eating even healthier, exercising. I’d also quit caffeine cold turkey the month before, and felt somehow very alive despite my lack of coffee. I was able to truly enjoy the wedding.

Genuinely happy at the rehearsal dinner

When we got back, our time and thoughts were filled with moving out of our rented townhome and into our newly built long-awaited first HOUSE. I wept as I packed up Grace’s room, folding the tiny pink dresses, taking down her soft floral crib bedding, opening the memory box that held a lock of her blonde hair and her footprints and death certificate. But I was beyond ready to move out of the place that brought us so much pain, and move onto a new home that I was confident would see many blessings! Before the floors had been installed in the new house, we had written verses of God’s many promises on the floors, as we declared His welcome presence there, and dedicated the home to His glory. We were thrilled to move into a place that was associated only with JOY.

"your sons..." -- prophetic, huh?!

This one is in the living room

On October 31, we moved our stuff out of that townhouse and into our new home. We then slept each night at Jeff’s parents’ as we waited anxiously for our loan to go through so we could sign the papers, become official homeowners, and finally be allowed to “live” in our grand new home.

Grace’s birthday came when we were still waiting to close on our house. It was a gorgeously sunny fall day, and we couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief that we’d made it through the worst year of our lives. We were blessed, even though our little girl wasn’t with us, even though we weren’t celebrating her birthday with her.

We visited our new house that evening, and… little did I know, (okay, I actually knew) I was ovulating. Technically we were trespassing, since we didn’t own it yet, but heck, our bed was there.

And so, on the very last day of a very long year that had been filled with the stifling pain of death, God blessed us with new life.

YES

Somewhere in the blur of happy days to follow, we closed on our house (YAY) and Jeff carried me over the threshold -- it seemed very much like a fairy tale or an old Kodak commercial. Now, I can’t say that pregnancy wasn’t on my mind, or that I wasn’t the hormonal obsessive woman that I always was in that post ovulation two-week-wait, because I was -- for goodness sakes -- trying to get pregnant. But I pushed the thought to the back of my mind, determined not to let my joy be stolen from me by worry.

One evening, 1.5 weeks after Grace’s birthday, I picked up a box of two pregnancy tests from Target. To have waited so long to buy them was amazing for me, because usually I would stock up on tests and start testing days before I could sensibly get a positive result. This time, I was going to be stress free – one test would be enough to tell me yes or no.

I slept soundly all night, and even woke up late that cheerfully sunny Sunday morning. Jeff started breakfast downstairs as I walked to the bathroom, ripped open that test and took it. Waiting patiently, I repeated scriptures against fear, and couldn’t help but just praise Jesus and say his name over and over.

It took less than the time limit for a beautiful pink (you KNOW it’s my favorite color, for good reason) line to pop up in the test window. No sooner than my eyes sent the good news to my brain, I yelled to Jeff, “this is really positive.”

It wasn’t a questionable line like it had been in previous cycles, it didn’t show up late, and I wasn’t using the most sensitive test on the market. The line was more clear and perfect than it had ever been before – we were pregnant, and this baby was going to stick. And wow, how crazy that we’d conceived on November 4?!

Jeff and I praised the Lord; I took the other test in the box just to see the pretty line get darker, and we began a new journey of faith, now believing that God could bring this baby to our arms, full term, healthy, ALIVE.

And our prayer was answered in Lochlan, on July 22, 2010!

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***It's pretty difficult for me to go back and re-feel all this despair. But God IS good and it's important to know that, even in the really bad times.

Photos of Grace are at the end. Prepare yourself or don't look if you don't think you can.***

Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Grace’s last weekend

I don’t usually write about the weather. I feel like that’s a tactic only used by fourth graders. But when my daughter was last living, it was the most beautiful late autumn Jeff and I had ever seen. We’d had our wedding in the fall only three years before, and back then I would have paid thousands for trees this colorful. The vibrant fall seemed to sum up a perfect pregnancy, and seemed to signal the start of a new season of our lives, one of sheer excitement! (Now, with all the feelings of loss associated with it, I wonder now if I’ll even like the season ever again.)

Our third wedding anniversary was October 29, and we didn’t do much to celebrate – besides, what gift can you give one another that is better than the gift of new life, a child?! We were GIDDY!

Saturday, I ventured out to a brunch with my mommies group of all pregnant women, and held the first tiny baby born to the group. Soon, I thought, I would be holding my very own baby in my arms! Everyone reminded me that it was November 1, my due date month!

Sunday, we went to church, and Grace jammed out to the worship music! She always seemed to have a lot of fun in my belly! I felt extra special that day, and had worn a black dress with four-inch black heels. I was enormous, and it seemed like every stranger I passed congratulated me. Our drive home, we passed the hospital where I would give birth, and I got all excited thinking about how in two weeks this same drive home would be the most happy drive of my life—with a baby in my arms!

That evening, we went to the last session of our Bradley natural childbirth class. And Grace kicked all the while. Jeff said how excited he was about labor (ha! I was like, of course YOU’RE excited! I’m the one pushing this thing out!) —we were ready for this! (I was prepared to give birth without pain medications or interventions, and felt very confident in the technique—I’d told everyone about it so I’d keep accountable!) Then we went home and Jeff videotaped actors for a project. And Grace kept right on kicking, as she always did. Later, Jeff gave me my nightly back massage—he’s the best husband ever—and we watched Grace move around in my belly (for what we didn’t know then would be the last time ever).

We headed to bed and I reached over and put my hand in the bassinet attached to our mattress, as I had gotten into the habit of doing, and imagined how in a few short weeks I would be stroking my peacefully sleeping baby there, admiring her, my offspring, the greatest blessing I’d ever received.

I prayed thanks, and fell asleep.

November 3, 2008

It was a dark day out, starting to drizzle, but my first thought was how something great was about to happen. I said aloud to Jeff, “For some reason, it feels like Christmas morning!” I cannot get over how weird that feeling was. Maybe God was trying to bless me with a calm before the storm…

…because the rest of that day can only be described as the worst of my life.

Jeff left for work, and I went downstairs to make Grace and I breakfast. I sipped my OJ, but Grace didn’t kick like she usually did with that jolt of fructose. Odd, I thought, but I wasn’t overwhelmingly alarmed, and went on talking to her, telling her I loved her as I always did. I was awake a little earlier than usual, anyway. I showered, but Grace didn’t move like normal with the water’s warmth. I poked the spot where I knew her butt was, but she was obviously sleeping. Still, I thought, it was early. Yet, when I got out, I really started to worry.

I went to the nursery and lay down on the floor next to her crib (like Jeff had been doing each morning as he prayed for her, for almost nine months) and gulped cold water, hoping it would wake her up. My heart started to race when she didn’t wake. My doctor’s appointment was scheduled for 9:30 that morning, and I left the house as quick as I could, speeding down the road and arriving ridiculously early. At the stoplight before the doctor’s building, the word started flashing through my head, stillbirth stillbirth stillbirth. Everything was a blur, as they weighed me, took my blood pressure, and Jeff arrived. All I could think or say was “I haven’t felt her kick this morning.”

The fluorescent lights in the room made it look so cold and horrible in there, increasing my panic. I could hear heartbeats from Dopplers thumping loudly through the thin walls of the rooms on either side of me. But when they tried to listen to my child’s heartbeat, it wasn’t there. “No,” Jeff said to me, and grabbed my hand tightly as the doctor rushed off to find the ultrasound machine. “She’s fine; it isn’t what you think; they’ll find it; please God.” (How would I have ever survived if Jeff hadn’t come to the appointment that day?)

The doctor rolled in the ancient-looking machine and fumbled the cord, clearly flustered, and got another doctor to help her. When they finally got it to work—my stomach is in knots as I type this—the ultrasound machine showed a lifeless little girl, a beautiful heart, but one that had stopped beating forevermore.

"I’m so sorry," was all the doctor said. I put my hands on my face, where they remained for the next several hours, and whispered, "Oh my God. Oh my God." This is when shock set in—the body’s gift to its emotional state—to help me survive the blow. I had become numb, and would stay that way for the next 24 hours. I thought back to my childhood, about the night when my friend’s dad had passed away in a tragic car accident, and about how we had gone to the hospital that night and saw the family. I remembered how I had hugged my friend and sobbed uncontrollably, but that she was strong and wasn’t crying. I finally understood it. That’s how I felt now. Crushed, flattened, beaten down to silence, to numbness. I couldn’t even cry.

Suddenly, I had to get this baby out. She seemed heavier than ever before. I hated how stiff her body felt, preventing me from even being able to expand my lungs and get a full breath, and then I hated myself for disliking anything about my poor child. But I couldn’t handle having this dead baby inside me. I needed her out NOW – it was URGENT! I repeated it to each of the doctors, but didn’t watch to see if they responded or not. Everything was so blurry.

Walking out of the office, I noticed that my hands were still on my face. I wondered what everyone in the waiting room thought of me – what did they think was wrong? Were they panicked about their own babies? I thought about all of those people on the news all the time, those women in Iraq or Israel after a bomb exploded and killed their families, and how they would always be running around, screaming and crying. I wondered when or if I would get to that point. Right now, I pretty much felt dead.

In the car, I saw our new pink baby carseat all strapped in and ready to go. Overcome with too much emotion, I’m pretty sure I almost passed out. We rushed to the hospital, where the marathon of labor and delivery—that grueling emotional and physical journey—began.

The Hospital

We walked in and although we’d already taken a tour of the hospital, were absolutely clueless where to go and wandered around blindly. Jeff asked someone at a desk where labor & delivery was, and with major attitude, she pointed down the hall, and said, “Um, In labor and delivery.” So strange, I thought, how people have so much anger. I had just lost my daughter and I wasn’t as angry as her.

It was dark and empty in there that day. The nurses were all huddled around the nurses’ station, probably talking about who they were going to vote for, as it was the day before the presidential elections, and they all turned around when they saw us coming. Immediately, we told them who we were, and silence fell.

I felt ill. This was not how it was supposed to go at all. I was supposed to walk in here in labor, already six centimeters dilated, and near ready to push, with everyone in awe at my strength and supernatural pain tolerance. And I would breastfeed my baby girl right away, and dress her in her beautiful pink lacy outfit (that was sitting inside the suitcase in our bedroom, already clean and ironed) and bring her home in that pink carseat to a house all set up just for her. But this? Nurses feeling sorry for me? I wanted to turn around and walk right back out.

A nurse brought us to a room on the quiet, empty side of the maternity ward, probably so we wouldn’t have to hear other people giving birth to living, crying babies. I wondered how they assigned a nurse to us. Did they draw straws? Did she owe someone something? I can’t imagine anyone volunteering for such a horrible event.

I think we must have been there over an hour before we even thought to call someone. How do you tell your parents, who have been looking forward to meeting their first grandbaby for nine months, that they will never get to? I hated that we would have to make one of these kinds of calls, the kind nobody ever wants to get, the kind that you think are only made in later life when your grandparents are in their 90s. That we would have to make one of those calls now, as healthy happy people in our twenties, it was too much to bear. I told Jeff he could call, but he didn’t have to if he didn’t want, and I sure wasn’t doing it.

He was so strong that day. He made the calls to our parents, one by one, out in the hallway. I’m so glad I didn’t have to see his face as he spoke those words. And he called his boss to tell him that he wouldn’t be back in for a very long time. Months later, we learned that his boss actually called our church that day to let them know about the situation, and thus we had our church praying for us from the very beginning.

On the phone, my dad didn’t believe the words that Jeff told him, saying that He knew our God was a miracle worker, and that Jesus could raise our baby from death. Until the next day when we left the hospital hours after Grace had been born, Dad didn’t believe that she was really gone. In my shock and numbness, I didn’t have the faith to believe that kind of miracle could happen. I loved my dad for it though—I loved his faith, and I loved his deep love for his granddaughter. If only I could go back, with the faith that I now have, and experience that day, I wonder if that miracle could happen? Could I have believed God and allowed him to work in such a big way? Maybe I wasn’t giving Him an “in.”

But God was there, beckoning me to him. Whether I wanted Him or not. All those years of my asking him to “be with me” to “comfort me” to “strengthen me” to “guide me” were coming to fruition. He was answering those prayers when I needed them most.

A song started playing in my head, one that I didn’t know I knew, but the words kept playing… “You spread out the skies, over empty space, said let there be light, in a dark and formless world…”

“Ugh,” I thought, “Go away music. Go away feelings. Go away everything.” I didn’t want to think, or pray, and I definitely didn’t want music. But the song kept right on playing in my head. “Gosh, where is that song from?”

Our nurse sat down on a stool in our room and asked me a gazillion questions. The doctors did too. Had I fallen recently? They all seemed to ask that question. Because, there has to be someone to blame. Had the baby been kicking regularly the last few days? Car accident?

Everything had been so normal, the whole pregnancy! I felt not an ounce of guilt. Boy was I thankful at how perfectly I had treated Grace in there all nine months. There wasn’t anything I did that I wouldn’t do again. I wracked my brain, but no, there was nothing. This was as random and tragic as you could get.

Before beginning the induction, the doctor came in and prayed with us. One of the great things about our doctors’ office is that it was a Catholic organization, and they were very open about the fact that they prayed for their patients. I don’t remember much about the prayer, except how I thought it was odd that she opened it by calling God “Daddy.” Maybe she did it on purpose, or maybe God just wanted us to hear it, but, He was a daddy too, and He too lost His only child.

Because it was so cloudy and gross outside that afternoon, you couldn’t tell if it was day or night, but it seemed like we’d already been there an eternity when 1:15 rolled around and it was time to get things started.

As it was still two weeks before my due date, my body wasn’t even slightly ready to give birth. My belly hadn’t dropped, there was zero dilation, no effacement, zip. It looked like Grace hadn’t planned on making her grand entrance for quite a while; she would have probably come quite late. We were well aware that because my body wasn’t ready, this induction may not work, and we could potentially end up having to go home and try this again on a different date or have a c-section—both which sounded like ways to somehow make my worst nightmare even worse.

In a small way, though, we felt like that part of things was already taken care of. People were praying for this delivery to go smoothly, and we could already feel God working through those prayers. This induction was going to work. And I was going to deliver a baby—who was no longer living. I’ve never been more scared in my life, or dreaded anything as much as I dreaded what was ahead of me.

Labor

The doctor inserted the cervadil, which simply makes your cervix thin out so a baby can come through it. For some people, this alone can trigger labor, although it certainly isn’t the most common outcome. We didn’t think I’d be in that outlier group, and fully expected to be in that hospital for a good long while—at least a day or more—before anything began to happen.

But once again, I was the exception to the rule, and labor kick-started almost immediately! I began to have huge contractions every two minutes, sometimes even closer, but the pain was manageable in my typical “go big or go home” mentality. Because of all the hard work I’d put into the natural childbirth classes, I stubbornly insisted on bearing this pain without medications. I was in labor-mode, not allowing myself to think about the reality of this situation or how emotional it was. By that point, I was still in such a state of shock that I had almost forgotten why we were here. So we marched through the halls, pretending like we were every other happy couple about to have a baby, stopping and hunching over when the contractions came.

Somewhere in all of that pain, my family and Jeff’s mom showed up at the hospital. It was surreal seeing them there under these circumstances. I was very convinced this was a bad dream. I sat down in my bed, and my dad sat in a chair next to me and began to pray for miracles. Nobody knew what else to say or do. For such a normally chatty group, everyone was quiet.

Totally numb, all I could think to say was, “I’m going to become a very bitter and angry person when this is all over.” My mom very quietly but firmly replied that I would not.

But I couldn’t even imagine how I would live past this day. I couldn’t imagine how I would feel when the loss of my daughter finally entirely hit me. I couldn’t imagine how I would ever smile again. I knew I would be forever changed.

Needing to feel useful, my family asked what they could go out and get us—they felt a need to help in some way! I hadn’t felt the urge to cry until that moment, when I replied that I would need my suitcase--because it had Grace’s coming-home outfit in it. Because, she would still need an outfit—to be buried in.

In the evening, the contractions became horrendous, and the nurses begged me to get an epidural. But, I had wanted to keep this one goal of going med-free, this one tiny part of my plan intact, and refused the epidural again and again.

But eventually, it dawned on me that there was no real reason to avoid pain meds. There would be no reward at the end of this journey, no living healthy baby who would benefit by having no drugs in her innocent little body. When I had conversations with other mothers later, nobody was going to ask me to share my birth story, and I’d never get to tell about the experience of going epidural-free—nobody would want to know about the birth of a dead baby.

And I realized that my fear of epidurals’ risks—becoming paralyzed or even dying because of misplacement of the needle in the spine—were no longer an issue for me. If I died today, I thought, it would be better than having to live the rest of my life without Grace.

“Oh God, why her? Why couldn’t you have taken me? I would have gladly given my life for her! I would have done anything for her! A child should not die before her mother, “my soul cried out to Him. I felt so empty, so worthless.

I finally took the nurse’s suggestion to “stop being a martyr” and got the epidural. And compared to my emotional pain, I couldn’t even feel the pain of the needle going in. The whole time, though, tears were flowing down my mom’s face and the anesthesiologist asked, “Why are you crying?! You should be excited!” I guess he hadn't been debriefed.

Chaos

Unfortunately, instead of making this nightmarish journey more bearable, the epidural only made things worse. What control I had felt with managing my own pain and having something to work through to distract me from this horror, was taken away from me. Not only did I become confined to lying down in a bed because of the epidural and Foley catheter, but I also had more side effects from the epidural than I had ever heard of anyone experiencing before!

First, I began to shake uncontrollably. The shaking was so bad that I had to have my mom and mother-in-law hold down each of my legs because it was using all my energy to try to keep them still. I felt completely out of control of my body and mind– I felt like a mental patient! Then I started to swell. I hadn’t swollen at all during pregnancy, so this was shocking. My feet blew up and turned purple. My face was huge and puffy. My fingers looked and felt like they would burst.

Then I got a fever of 101, so I had to get antibiotics. From there, the drugs continued to multiply. I started to itch—all over—it was unbearable. Everyone kept telling me to sleep, but the itching (on top of having everyone in the room staring at me) made it impossible. I felt like I had bug-bites on literally every millimeter of skin and I was scratching ferociously. So, I got an anti-itch drug in my IV. That didn’t work, so they tried a different one. Now, I had been lying down for some time, not able to sit up because of the epidural, so I got heartburn. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and the stomach acid was eating me alive. So, I got heartburn meds.

As everything became more and more chaotic, nurses were telling me to get some sleep so I could have energy for pushing. They had no idea. In their world, things were moving along smoothly. In my world, everything was crashing down. When I closed my eyes, I kept feeling like my soul was being lifted out of my body. In my mind, I could look down and vividly see my lifeless body lying on the bed below—it was as if I was willing myself to die.

It was then that a song started playing in my head again. It was the same one as earlier, but this time it grew louder. “You made the world and saw that it was good, You sent your only son, for you are good, What a wonderful maker, What a wonderful savior, How majestic your whispers, And how humble your love…” I still didn’t know where it came from. I didn’t know who sang it, and I was shocked that my brain was reciting the words to a song that I thought I didn’t know. And it didn’t stop until we left the hospital. “With a strength like no other, And the heart of a father, How majestic your whispers, What a wonderful God.”

Midway through the night, the nurses decided to speed up the labor even more, so they gave me pitocin. Around that same time, my epidural began to not work. I could feel contractions all through the right side of my body, especially in my leg.

This, of course, is when my body decided to begin its “transition”(the most painful) stage of labor. Each contraction lasted two full minutes, with no real breaks in between. I was dilating quickly, so the anesthesiologist had to run in, and take out the epidural and completely re-place it.

In all of that pain, I hadn’t even noticed that my water had broken. I looked down to see the soaking wet bed, then stared up at Jeff. I wanted to communicate to him all the disappointment I felt, knowing that instead of having some exciting TV-drama sort of water-breaking moment—out shopping or at church or at dinner with friends—my water had to break like this, under these sad circumstances. This just wasn’t fair.

The nurses told me that I was progressing unusually fast, and that in the future I should prepare myself for speedy labors with my next babies. Minutes later, they checked me and with surprised faces, said I was completely dilated and I could push when I felt ready.

Delivery

Well, you can never feel “ready” to push out a dead baby. Dread and horror flooded my entire being. So I told myself I’d just hold her in. I simply would not be pushing her out. I couldn’t. I would just hope to wake up from this nightmare, in my own bed at home, and find that my baby was peacefully sleeping and kicking away inside me.

When I felt contractions, I would try to ignore them. Of course, only about seven minutes went by before I could feel the baby coming down, whether I was ready or not. The doctor and nurse came in, Jeff held my left leg and my mom and mother-in-law held the right, and it took only 10 quick pushes to get the baby completely out.

And when she came out, Grace didn’t cry. (I’m so deeply envious of anyone who has ever heard their baby cry.)

This is when the doctor saw the cord wound tightly multiple times around her long, beautiful little leg. Her source of life—the umbilical cord —had become her cause of death. The doctor handed me Grace, and I began to wail.

I can’t even remember the depth of the pain well enough to describe it here, for I’d never experienced anything like it before, and I haven’t even experienced it since. It was by far the saddest moment of my entire life.

Beauty

I cradled her lifeless body gently in my arms.

Her skin was torn in places and her lips were a dark crimson red, because she’d been in my womb too long without oxygen. It is unbearable for a mother to see her child like that—to think that any part of her child is imperfect, to imagine that Grace had gone through any pain. I wanted to bandage her skin, I wanted to hug her tight enough to warm her up, I wanted to breathe life into her limp body!

But those thoughts are too heavy for any human to bear.

And that’s why God blessed me with a hint of joy. For, she was my BABY and I was a proud MOTHER! I got to hold her! It was something I’d waited my entire life to do! She was a precious, gorgeous, perfect gift and I got to ADMIRE her!

At seven pounds, she was a chubby little girl for being born two weeks before her due date. She didn’t look tiny or fragile—she didn’t even have that “wrinkly old man” face that so many newborns have—she was completely beautifully feminine, with a soft, full face. Even with the feminine features, we could tell she had more Jeff-genes in her appearance than Heather-genes. Like Jeff, her lips were full, her nose was rounded, her earlobes were meaty, and her eyes turned down at the corners. She inherited the look that drew me to Jeff when we were teenagers! She would have gotten away with so much naughtiness with an innocent, adorable face like that!

But her body looked more like me. She was measured at 21 inches long, but we both noticed that when the nurse was measuring her, her little knees were bent, so we’re almost sure she was actually over 22 inches. She would have been tall! Her toes and feet looked exactly like a miniature version of mine, so the ultrasound had been correct in indicating she was going to get the Heather Glasgow bigfoot-ness. Her legs were lanky too, and so were her arms. When everyone held her, we all remarked how heavy and big she felt.

Her coloring—porcelain pale with light blonde hair—was like the both of us. Her eyes were most assuredly blue (since we both have blue eyes), but we weren’t able to see them. I tried opening her eyelids, but her eyes had darkened with death—they didn’t look like eyes. And not being able to look into your little girl’s eyes is torture.

I can’t even imagine how wonderful it feels to have your baby look up at you. It almost seems too good an experience for any human being to deserve. That type of blessing isn’t even of this world. It is most certainly a piece of heaven itself.

When I saw Jeffrey hold her, I fell in love with him a million times over. He looked more handsome than ever before, holding his daughter. He was a natural, completely meant for the role of father. He was so loving and gentle, powerful and strong; he looked like he could carry her every burden. He too would have sacrificed anything for her. It tore me apart to think that I couldn’t watch him hold her or parent her ever again.

The Remainder of November 4

Somewhere in the whirlwind of everything going on, the doctor stitched me up (I’d torn from such a fast delivery and big-boned baby) and did all the doctorly things. I let the nurse take Grace to be cleaned, measured and dressed in her beautiful pink coming-home outfit. She cut a lock of Grace’s blonde hair for us to keep, and did her footprints. Meanwhile, I threw up several times (from the drugs, anxiety and sheer shock of the situation), and had to get some anti-nausea meds. The placenta was looked at —it was perfect, Grace’s blood and skin sample were taken for genetic testing—all of which turned out perfectly healthy as well; everything about her was ideal. I couldn’t stop thinking what a healthy little baby she had been. I’d given her the perfect life; her entire existence was such a blissful, happy one.

Everyone there got to hold our precious gift. She was passed around the room, and my tears flowed as I watched my mom, dad, Jeff’s mom, and each of my sisters (except Jennifer, who was regrettably in CA) admire their long-awaited newest family member. At times, I worried that they might be scared or uncomfortable touching a dead person, but they lovingly assured me that they wanted to keep on holding her.

Time stood still as we enjoyed and loved on our little girl.

I wanted to hold her forever. I wanted to cuddle her and sing to her and talk to her. But, we didn’t get enough time. She faded so quickly. Within an hour, she no longer looked like the baby I had just birthed. She turned blue, cold, stiff. We didn’t have time to argue which side of the family she looked more like. We couldn’t stare and look at her from every angle. And pictures just don’t capture it all. I didn’t get to experience the little baby “head smell” that everyone says is so sweet. I didn’t even get to see that cute little pudgy butt that had poked out the top of my belly for the last three weeks of her life.

I was desperate to be able to nurture her and breastfeed that little open mouth. I wanted to be mommy to my baby. I wanted to bond with her. There were millions of moments that I didn’t get to share with my baby. Millions. I could sit with you and list forever everything I wanted to experience with her.

Goodbye My Baby

I know that some people will continue to hold their stillborn babies for hours in the hospital, because they can’t bear to part with them, regardless of how quickly the baby’s body fades. With us, though, we knew we would see Grace again. And in Heaven, she would look healthy and beautiful. Boy, I can’t wait!

The nurses knew there was no reason for us to remain in the maternity ward with all the happy new mothers, so they allowed us to check out, little more than 24 hours after arriving.

Our parents and my sisters left the hospital, allowing us time alone in the dimly-lit room to have our final moments with Grace as a family of three. No words were spoken, except for “I love you so much, Grace” again and again, and of course our silent prayers to God, pleading for as much strength as He could give us, for we simply could not do this on our own.

We placed her on the baby bed, and I made sure she was tightly bundled in that warm blanket, so her body wouldn’t get hurt when she was moved to the morgue. I knew it didn’t matter now, but as a mom, I still felt the strong instinct to protect her.

My hopes and dreams were all wrapped up in that bundle of blankets, and I would have to leave them all behind at the hospital that day.

We told her goodbye, and held hands as I was wheeled out. We silently left the hospital with empty arms.

But in Heaven, Grace’s soul was already in the presence of our Almighty God, experiencing peace and joy beyond human description. She was already among angels, worshiping our Father, her hands raised to Him who knew that it was best to allow her to be taken out of our imperfect world. Together with all the souls in Heaven, she now sings out, “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come.”

I can’t wait to hold you again, Grace.

There's more to the story, at My journey to a living baby.

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**I wrote this about nine months after we lost Grace, when I was miscarrying a baby once again. It's pretty cool to see how God has redeemed our story now -- four healthy living babies later!****

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him... My heart rejoices in the Lord." - 1 Samuel 1:27 & 2:1

First Trimester

From day one, I was blessed with the perfect pregnancy. I got an enormous thrill watching as the lines on those pregnancy tests to which I’d become so addicted got darker and darker each day. I often carried around the latest one in my purse so I could look at it whenever I wanted to smile. Of course, after we got to see an ultrasound of our baby and watch its heartbeat on the monitor for the first time at just six weeks into the pregnancy, I pretty much had a constant smile on my face from then on.

I never got any morning sickness, or tiredness, or mood swings, or problems. For the first 12 weeks, I honestly prayed to get nausea, just to have some sign that I was really pregnant! Because of the lack of physical symptoms, we were certain we were having a boy, and picked out a boy name and bedding!

Even without symptoms, though, I felt an incredible bond with this baby. I would take long walks outside and pray for it while holding my hand on my belly. At nine weeks, I rented a Doppler, and would listen to the baby’s heartbeat every couple of days, just to reassure me that it was healthy. And I would cry every single time, praising God. That heartbeat was the best sound I had ever heard. I’m sure it can only be topped by the sound of one’s own healthy, living newborn’s cry— a sound I’d gladly give my right arm to hear.

Second Trimester

My belly grew quicker than most—it was pretty obvious even to strangers that I was pregnant at three months. On Mother’s Day I walked into the Sunday school at my church where I volunteered, and one of the four-year-olds came up to me and put her hand on my belly and asked, "Are you having a baby?" I was SHOCKED! I thought it must be some sixth sense kids have, but later that week, a cashier at Whole Foods asked me if I was pregnant too (the same woman later asked me in my third trimester if I was having twins, so clearly she thought I was extra-large the entire time).

15 weeks! We took belly pictures every Sunday. I lived up every little thing about being pregnant!

Besides my rapidly expanding abdomen, my first physical sign of pregnancy was a rambunctious flutter of kicks at only 16 weeks. They felt like little q-tips poking me from the inside—it was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. I fell completely in love with this little one so utterly dependent on me.

I researched everything about how to have a healthy pregnancy and went all-in. Instead of buying pretty maternity clothes, we put our funds into making a more healthy life for our growing baby—we had come so far that we were determined to do this right. I ate 100% organic food, free-range meat, wild-caught seafood. I quit coffee cold-turkey as soon as I found out I was pregnant, and didn’t have even one caffeinated coffee my entire pregnancy. (And if you know me, you know that is a MAJOR sacrifice.) I used only natural cleaners, detergents, and even beauty products. Any possible risk of chemical contact was cut out— I never pumped gas in the car (VOCs), we threw away any plastic we could, and switched from a vinyl shower curtain to a cloth one. We planned for baby’s life outside the womb to be clean too —organic cloth diapers, organic crib mattress, and organic bassinet. We wanted our baby to start out life with a clean slate.

A Scare

One Saturday morning, at only 17 weeks, I was surprised to wake up to a rock-hard belly. Poking it, I realized it was doing this at regular intervals every few minutes: hard, soft, hard, soft. Freaked out, I did what any mother would do—went online and searched my symptoms. And of course, I saw only the worst stories, and suddenly feared I was having pre-term labor. We called my doctor for instructions. She informed us that we were probably going to lose the baby (!!!), and that I would have to wait it out. She told us not go to the ER because there would be nothing they could do to save a baby at such an early stage!

Horrible thoughts went through my mind—what if I can’t ever carry a baby to term? What if this is the only time I get to experience the joy of pregnancy? What if something is wrong with me? How on earth will I go on without this baby? I turned pale, became dizzy, and began to shake uncontrollably.

Jeff knew that such a mental state wasn’t good for me, so we sped to the ER—despite the doctor’s advice. Upon hearing about the emergency, my mom dropped everything and drove all the way from her house to the hospital, and while we were waiting, she put her hand on my belly and felt the baby give a firm kick! God was reassuring us that the baby was healthy in there, although probably a little annoyed at the contracting uterus tightening around her.

Three hours of worry later, we found that nothing at all was wrong! What I’d been having were “practice” (Braxton Hicks) contractions, which are totally normal. Just for reassurance, we were offered an ultrasound, and it was then that we were surprised to learn our little baby was a beautifully healthy girl.

I praised God with every part of my being, and didn’t stop. I’ve never been happier in my entire life as I was when I was pregnant with Grace. Life was PERFECT.

When we first saw her, she was kicking and punching in there, and then she leaned back, put her hands behind her head and crossed her legs like she was relaxing in a hammock. Not only did we get to see that she was healthy (10 fingers, 10 toes, everything in place and working) but we got to see her big personality. :)

Who Grace Was

Grace developed a distinctive personality from early on. We had felt led to pray – since before conception – that she would become a leader, and would bring God praise.

And from the way Grace acted in the womb, it seemed that she was already headed towards becoming that leader-type personality! Her kicks were strong, right from the beginning. When she moved, it was decisive, never sluggish. Sometimes she’d push so hard that I could distinctly make out a hand (right at my hip bone), or foot (in my side) and butt (way up near my ribs). She’d just hold it there, sometimes for a whole 30 seconds, as if she was testing the strength of her muscles. The last three months, she would kick so forcefully while I was working, that I would be forced to relax my abs and lean back in my desk chair to give her some room to play. It seemed like she was already bossing me around. We prepared ourselves for a headstrong child!

She was so beautiful, even on ultrasound. What a tiny, feminine nose and face. What a perfect beating heart.

And she loved music. Every day, I played her worship songs, and her body moved miraculously to the rhythm. She loved songs loud, with strong beats, and with powerful crescendos! She would have a dance party and I would sing along! She really liked “Agnus Dei” by Darlene Zschech, “Hosanna” by Hillsong United, and “Your Name” by Phillips, Craig and Dean, all which, interestingly, sung praise directly to God. Her life was full of praise, cheer, excitement!

Her name, Grace Evangeline, was a direct reference to what God had laid on our hearts about her purpose. The word “grace” itself means to give something to someone without the intent to receive anything in return. Jesus himself offered all of humanity the ultimate gift of grace – he sacrificed his own life for our sins – so that we could live eternally with Him. The gratefulness we felt to God, and for Him blessing us with this precious daughter, led us to name her “Grace.” She was to reflect Him, and His forgiving, unending love! And she was to spread that exciting story of grace, thus the name “Evangeline,” which means “bearer of good news.”

We didn’t know at the time how soon she would live up to her name, or how her purpose would be fulfilled without ever having cried life’s first cry.

Third Trimester

Just think, for nine months of pregnancy, every minute you’re alive is about the baby. Eating, breathing, sleeping, living – it was all for Grace. The idea of doing something solely for myself had become some distant memory. Budget? It was overhauled to include baby furniture, baby clothes, and extra food. To-do list? It was cleared for things like “buy breast pump, paint nursery, register at the hospital.” Spare time? It was filled with birthing classes, doctors visits, researching cloth diapers and vaccinations and baby sleep theories.

In August, we moved into a bigger rental townhouse just for Grace. And I gave up my beloved VW Beetle and bought a bigger SUV, with room for a car seat, just for Grace.

And it was heavenly. I loved having someone physically around all the time to communicate with. Working from home, I never felt lonely – Grace was always with me! Food I ate or movements I made or noises around me all got responses from Grace. I felt like she was giving me her opinion on things. I took videos of my belly as she shimmied and kicked and hiccuped in there. We were already the best of friends – I couldn’t wait to be her best friend throughout her childhood, as my mom was with me.

In late pregnancy, everything happened as it should: my hip bones softened as they were supposed to, I passed my glucose test with flying colors, I never got any stretch marks, I slept a solid nine hours of sleep every night, I took outside walks daily, and Grace’s heart would beat clear and strong every time we Dopplered it. Grace’s size always measured ahead—our little overachiever! I loved being huge and pregnant, it was something I’d waited my whole life to experience. While some people hate being told they look big when pregnant, I was thrilled to hear it!

Her pink nursery. In my ninth month, I would vacuum in here every day!

Me & God

With every passing day, I had this increasing peace. Nothing could bother me (except maybe that one pregnancy side effect of being hot all the time), not even the debates about the upcoming elections, which would have made non-pregnant me get a little argumentative. Part of it, I’m sure, was the nicely balanced hormone levels. But mostly, it was that I had been blessed with everything I could possibly want. I was living my dream life. I remembered the desperation I had felt just one year before, and realized that God had finally delivered me. I was living out his grand plan for me: I was the mother of Grace Evangeline Young.

The whole pregnancy, God had walked alongside me. I’d felt his undeniable presence and purpose every second of my day. From the beginning to the very end of my pregnancy, He had guided me to read through the Old Testament, to learn about His character. As I read, I had cheered on Moses, Joshua, Elijah, and David, and learned more about God than I had in my entire lifetime. I wondered why I had never before realized how exciting the first half of the Bible was! God was working amazing miracles back then, and I marveled at how He was creating a current-day miracle inside me!

Weirdly, by the end of October, I had made it to the book of Job, the gut-wrenching story in which God allows Satan to kill all of Job’s children and steal his worldly possessions in one fell swoop. I felt so uneasy about reading that book during pregnancy, and I tried to speed-read through multiple chapters a day, hoping to finish it without dwelling too much on its sadness. I wanted to be reading Psalms by the time Grace was born, praising and rejoicing! But as God would have it, I only made it to the chapter right before God begins to speak to Job, the day before November 3.

Just two weeks before Grace was born

As I reached the finish line of the pregnancy, we readied the house for Grace’s arrival. We had our three baby showers, had the nursery painted, furniture ordered, and hospital bags packed. When I visited the doctors, I learned that Grace was head-down, ready to go at any time! I was giddy when Jeff installed the baby’s carseat in the car and set up the bassinet in our room – it was all real now; this was really happening!

I was so blissfully unaware.

Next up, Part 3: Her earthly end, and heavenly homecoming.

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To understand ME, you'll need to know about my Grace. She was my first daughter. She was one of God's best gifts to me, one of the biggest joys of my life, and she left our world far too soon for us.

They've grown up with an understanding of life and how precious and fleeting it is. Little 7-pound Grace gave them this gift

The following three-part story which I'll post over the next few days, I wrote several months to a year after she was born. I felt His presence through that experience more than any time before. He was palpable to me.

Feel free to share with those experiencing infertility and loss.

So, here goes. (I am crying as I re-read my story.)

The Beginning.Ever since Grace died, I’ve had a horrible aching in my soul, a nagging feeling, urging me to write what I’ve gone through. From the very beginning, I have not wanted to. Sometime during the first week when I came home from the hospital empty-handed, someone wrote to me in a sympathy card that I should write down everything that was happening to me in a journal to later use as my story about God’s love, but I was very stubborn about NOT writing. I felt blank, numb, and later, angry and negative. Why would I ever want to look back on these days? Why would anyone else? Couldn’t we just erase this whole time completely? I wanted to go into a coma for a year, and wake up not remembering this whole thing.

But God allowed Grace to die for a reason. I do not believe death is of God – it is of sin, of Satan – but God did not intervene when the life of my innocent child was taken. He instead chose to redeem the situation. He’s making an ugly thing beautiful. He’s transforming my broken life right now. And that’s why His spirit is leading me to write. Everyone needs to know that our God is a loving God. And after everything I’ve been through, even now as I am currently miscarrying a baby that I’ve carried for eight weeks, I can still say that I trust Him.

Emotionally right now, I am low. But spiritually, I’m nuzzling in close to our God. My faith in Him is increasing. My joy in Him is increasing. He is present and at work. It’s exciting!

To tell the story of my baby Grace, I have to start in 2007, long before she was conceived.

Or maybe even further back… to childhood. I’ve always felt an undeniably strong desire to be a mother. I’ve always felt like that was my purpose on earth, like that’s THE reason God made me. And I know that can sound cliché. But I feel like other women have big dreams – become president of the US, or they want to fight some major injustice in this cruel world, or start a successful business, or live a life full of thrills and excitement. All I’ve ever wanted to do is bring little souls into this world and love them like crazy. All my life, I could think of nothing that would be more fulfilling than bringing forth life, of your own flesh and blood, creating something brand new with the person you love, watching that absolute miracle grow, pouring every ounce of yourself into this child, teaching them, sacrificing of yourself for their good. I would willingly get stretch marks and gain weight for a baby, I’d willingly do bed rest if necessary; anything for the thrill of new life!

I lived my life to adulthood with that as my big plan. And everyone knew me as “the one who wanted to be a mommy.” On our wedding day, the shaving cream decorations on our getaway car read “9 months!”

I even chose my career because I could do it from home as a mom – writing and graphic design. And in the summer of 2007, after two years of marriage, I quit my full-time ad agency job to start my own design company. I quickly found clients and eased right into the work-from-home lifestyle. In September, Jeff and I agreed that it was time we started a family. Everything was falling right into place!

We began the journey to parenthood by asking God to bless it. Holding hands and praying aloud, tears of joy streamed down our faces. We had waited so long for this! As someone with a severe case of Type A personality, I went into baby planning with the same gusto as I went into wedding planning. I researched every bit of fertility info I could get my hands on. And every morning at 6 a.m., the alarm would go off and Jeff would stick a thermometer in my mouth so I could chart my temperature that day.

That month, we tried for the first time to conceive, and it didn’t work out. I cried despairingly for hours and hours after we got a negative pregnancy test, because I had a deep sinking feeling that we really had an infertility problem. That same day, Jeff mentioned to me that a doctor had told him years ago that he had a physical issue stemming from a surgery he had as a child that could potentially cause infertility. Immediately, I set us up for a meeting with a specialist.

He was tested, and the results were dismal. The doctors said his issue was so severe that he would need surgery or we’d have to undergo fertility treatments to get pregnant, that our odds of conceiving on our own were incredibly low. We were devastated. We feared trying for long periods of time with no hope, we feared IUIs, we feared IVF (which sounded impossible because it costs as much as a new car, and our insurance wouldn’t pay for fertility treatments), we feared the label “infertile,” we feared failure.

I actually wrote in my journal that I felt like my closest friend had died. The one thing I wanted more in life than anything else seemed unreachable. I was so depressed that my mom was worried about me being home alone, and made me come down and spend time with her, and we just drove around in the car, talking.

But after a week of prayer and a strong sense of God’s presence, Jeff and I decided to ask Him for a miracle. We wouldn’t move forward with treatments of any kind. It was the first time in my life I actually felt completely under God’s control, that I was fully allowing Him to do with me what He wanted. We would certainly do our part – living healthily, avoiding strenuous exercise since it’s bad for fertility, doing everything we knew of to enhance fertility: avoiding caffeine and alcohol, me drinking gallons of grapefruit juice/green tea/pomegranate juice and eating loads of fresh pineapple, eating plenty of wild salmon, Jeff taking fertility vitamins, taking cod liver oil, and more – and the creation of a baby was up to God.

In December, our fourth month of trying, I opened up the Old Testament to Deuteronomy, a section of the Bible I usually avoided for fear of boredom, and landed on this:

“If you pay attention to these laws and are careful to follow them, then the LORD your God will keep his covenant of love with you, as he swore to your forefathers. He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. He will bless the fruit of your womb, the crops of your land—your grain, new wine and oil—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks in the land that he swore to your forefathers to give you. You will be blessed more than any other people; none of your men or women will be childless, nor any of your livestock without young.”

In my journal that day, I wrote, “I have complete faith that God is going to bless us with children.” With His power, I had a peace I’d never known before.

And in February 2008, He blessed us with our first pregnancy. Nine short days after ovulation I took a test, which was negative. I had never tested that early before -- maybe I had an intuition? (I was addicted to taking cheap pregnancy tests that you could buy online for like 85 cents per piece, and because they were so cheap, I didn’t mind taking tons of them. And of course, every month, I’d spend hours analyzing each one under different lights hoping to see a line.) Only ten days after ovulation, I knew with almost perfect assurance that I was pregnant, and sure enough, I saw a faintest-of-faint pink line on my pregnancy test - and I was sure it was a line, for I had seen so many stark white negative tests in the last six months. Jeff wasn’t convinced. Calmly, he said he was only “about 80% sure” he saw a line, but didn’t want to jump to conclusions. (Meanwhile, I was about to internally combust.) So, I took a digital. In less than a minute, that glorious word popped up with as much confidence and drama a little digital contraption can muster. PREGNANT.

I screamed! Jumping up and down and skipping and squealing, I showed Jeff the test. We BOTH started bawling our eyes out, just hugging as tight as we could. How could this have happened?! What about the infertility?! Praise God above, praise Him, praise His Name! It was absolutely unreal. It was a miracle.

Jeff took me by the hand and led me to the living room. We knelt by the ottoman, and Jeff thanked God aloud and prayed for our little baby’s future. I continued to sob the happiest tears of my life. We had begun this journey almost six months before with a prayer, and we found ourselves praying once again as God came through.

Next, I began hearing songs playing, each with the word “baby” in it -- Jeff had created a “procreation” soundtrack. Haha! Mariah Carey’s “You’ll Always Be My Baby” came on first. :)

Not wanting the elation and surprise to simmer the tiniest bit before we shared the news, we began calling our parents right away. My mom was first. When I blurted out that I’d gotten a positive test, she sobbed and shrieked and used up every calorie of energy left in that body of hers (she’d been on a 40-day fast for lent). I loved hearing my mom cry (she never cries, not even at my wedding). She began praising God, saying she had never had one doubt that He would give us a child. She knew all along that that was the life He had planned for me. I used to think that the reaction of the parents in “Father of the Bride Part 2” seemed heavenly, but that was nothing compared to my mother’s uncontainable gladness.

But on Valentine’s Day, a week or so after, I began to miscarry.

To someone who has never experienced the excitement that is a positive pregnancy test, it’s hard to explain how overwhelming and depressing it is to miscarry only a short period later. How can you love a baby you didn’t know? How can you miss someone who never breathed a breath? I always used to wonder (or, sadly, scoff at) women who said they “knew” they were pregnant from the moment of conception. Now I understood. I’d felt unusually positive and confident in God’s power that entire cycle. I had known I was pregnant before I ever took a test. I believe that those feelings were me sensing the presence of the baby’s soul. From then on, I believed a baby’s soul is present from the moment of conception.

In our desperation to get pregnant again, we decided to go ahead with the surgery that doctors had long suggested for Jeff. Doctors warned us, though, not to expect to see positive results (a.k.a. pregnancy) from the surgery for several months, because it takes at least three months for sperm to generate and thus respond to the surgery.

But, only three weeks later… we were pregnant. And this time, it stuck for the long haul.

(Yes, you are allowed to laugh, because we were back to trying only four days after Jeffrey’s surgery. We didn’t want to miss one single cycle, regardless of his physical pain—especially because we’d heard you’re extra fertile after a miscarriage!)

I ovulated on March 3, 2008, and just seven days later, I could sense the baby’s presence. Ignoring it, though, because the previous month’s loss had left me heartbroken and fearful, I tried to live as normally as possible. We rented movies to watch in the evenings, and one night, as we watched “Dan in Real Life,” I felt sure that I was pregnant. No real symptoms to speak of, just the feeling that another person was in the room with us. The next morning, I got that beautiful little line on a pregnancy test. The line was evidence of our little Grace in progress!

Our happiness and excitement were slightly restrained by what had just happened to us only weeks before. Our early pregnancy innocence had been stolen from us because of the miscarriage. But my wise mom told me to have faith, that this was real, and that I needed to put my pregnancy worries in God’s hands. Growing new life was God’s business, and it was up to Him now.

Deep down, I knew this pregnancy was meant to be. Worries of miscarriage quickly left my mind as faith took over. Almost right away, we started sharing the news that a baby was coming!

Next up, Part 2: The Perfect Pregnancy!

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I have made bone broth at least once per week for four years, and I've tried quite a few different recipes and instructions. But the following recipe gives me the best rich chicken FLAVOR. Of course, the most important reason to make it is for nutrition, but flavor encourages you to consume it! My recipe calls for onions and carrots, but not any herbs or spices -- I prefer it to have a neutral chickeny flavor, not tasting like the herbs that can throw off a dish. I don't want my spring carrot soup tasting like autumn with rosemary-flavored broth, or my cauliflower soup tasting Italian with thyme-flavored broth. It also calls for a whole raw chicken. I don't love the taste of bone-only broth -- it's chalky and plain to me. This recipe is sort of a hybrid meat+bone broth, delicious on its own, but great as a base to any recipe.

There's a recipe for red lentil soup at the end! Use your freshly made broth in that!

For broth you'll need:

• 1 whole raw pastured chicken (3-5.5 pounds)
• 2 chicken feet
• 5+ quarts purified water (you'll need enough to cover the chicken to start, and some will evaporate off and need to be replaced)
• 2 T apple cider vinegar
• 1 chopped onion
• 3 peeled chopped carrots

(This is a little larger than I usually buy...)

First, go buy a nice large-ish whole chicken at your local farm, along with some chicken feet. The feet are key to extra gelatinous chicken broth.

If frozen, let the chicken fully thaw. Chop the neck, legs and wings off the chicken, and put them, along with the chicken feet into a large stockpot, then add the entire bird on top. Then fill your pot with four quarts (or however much fits comfortably) of purified water.

Pour in two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar, and let the mixture sit at room temperature for 30 minutes -- this begins the process of pulling nutrients out of the bones. Turn on the heat to medium-high and wait until it is just about to boil, then quickly turn it down to simmer. A rolling boil can cause your broth not to gel, as it breaks down some of the collagen. This isn't a huge deal, though, as the nutrients are still there. Some grey foam will rise to the top -- skim it off using a skimmer and discard.

Now, cover, with the lid slightly askew to prevent it from fully boiling. Allow it to simmer for 1.5-2 hours. Pull the chicken out and place it into a bowl, then remove the meat and save it in the fridge for chicken salad or enchiladas.

Throw the bones, skin, and ugly bits back into the simmering water, and cook covered for another four to 22 hours on lowest heat. You will probably get the best gelatinous broth with less cook time (six hours), but it will be more richly flavored at 24 hours. Add water at any point that it starts to get low. Two hours before you want to finish cooking, add in your peeled chopped carrots and chopped onion. I like to add the vegetables for the last few hours, so they don't overcook and cause my broth to turn dark brown. That's just aesthetics, though.

Now put a stainless steel mesh colander over a large mixing bowl in the sink, and strain the bones/veg/solids out in batches.

Pour the strained broth into glass mason jars, and allow to cool on the counter for 15 minutes, before putting on lids and transferring to the fridge. The broth is good refrigerated for five days (although I've used it at over a week old, and we didn't die), and frozen for several months. If you make three pots of soup a week, though, you won't need to worry about it going bad.

Red Lentil Soup* 1 medium organic yellow/sweet onion, finely chopped * 4 medium organic carrots, peeled and chopped * 2 T avocado oil * 4 fresh organic garlic cloves, minced * 2.5 tsp Himalayan fine salt, 1/2 tsp organic black pepper * 18 oz jar unsalted organic diced tomatoes (I use Jovial) * 3/4 cup organic red lentils * 5 1/2 cups homemade chicken bone broth * 2 tsp organic dried thyme * 1 cup organic gluten free pasta (optional) * 1 cup grated or shredded organic parmesan cheese

Heat oil in stockpot on medium, then add onions and carrots and cook for 5 minutes or until carrots are almost tender. Add garlic, salt, pepper, and cook, stirring, for 3 more minutes. Then add diced tomatoes and cook on low, stirring, for 5 minutes. Add lentils, broth, thyme, and stir, then bring to boil on high. Turn heat to simmer, and cook for 30 mins. Then turn heat back up to a boil and add in your optional pasta, following cook time directions on package (don’t choose a pasta with more than 10 min cook time — it will burn the soup!). Season soup more to taste, then ladle into bowls and DUMP on parmesan, and drizzle olive oil on top. Serve before parmesan has melted, alongside cheddar biscuits.

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I was a really sick kid. I was rarely without a cough or congestion, got antibiotics every single time I went to the doctor (who didn’t in the late 80s? we all remember that bright pink goo!), got every vaccine on time, and ended up with asthma, severe cat & dog allergies, and by the time I was in college, I developed gluten sensitivity which made most food just go straight through me, and I was dealing with nightly headaches. I was addicted to sugar and sweet things, and as a college freshman, I'd survive on muffins, candy (those sugared gummy peach rings — mouthwateringly yum, and so so so bad) and diet coke.

Now I have four kids, and diet and God’s grace have enabled us to avoid most illness! None of my kids have ever had an ear infection or strep, and out of the four, only my oldest son has ever had a round of antibiotics (and I’m aiming for never again), which was before we ever started working on healing our digestive tracts.

When our whole family started to see major improvement in our health through diet change, I had a mindset shift. I went from the antiquated belief that “germs” are out to get you (the Germ Theory), to the belief that God has created our bodies to be self-healing when given optimal nutrients and healthy environment. I began to realize that germs aren’t the bad guy at all.

How well we care for ourselves determines how we feel. A well-nourished, well-rested, emotionally and spiritually balanced person won’t become diseased. We all come in contact with multitudinous microbes every day, but they don't kill us or make us sick! We all live with many supposedly disease-causing bacteria right within us, but they live there peacefully until our bodies become unbalanced. Plainly, no bacteria or virus can damage a healthy body.

Sometimes we do become ill, but I believe unpleasant symptoms and routine occasional illnesses of childhood are not meant to harm us. These symptoms are simply our bodies’ way of cleansing toxins and bringing accumulated wastes to the surface to be expelled. We see them as stepping stones to make us all stronger, and we don’t try to suppress them. This is why we don’t even consider Tylenol, cold meds, or antibiotics as options, except in the most dire of circumstances. When we allow our kids’ bodies to cope with these symptoms, their immune systems and nervous systems are able to properly develop!

The Gut The Gut The Gut!

The foundation of our entire health is within the gut. Several POUNDS of bacteria (along with viruses and fungi) line our intestinal walls, digesting food, filtering out undigested food and toxins from ever reaching the bloodstream, they balance our hormones, help to control our brains, change the expression of our genes. They can literally dissolve a virus's outer membrane. These bacteria are critical for the immune system, telling our bodies to produce immune cells. Seventy to eighty percent of our immune system is in the gut! If we don't have healthy gut bacteria, the whole intestinal tract gets inflamed, causing us to not be able to digest food well OR absorb nutrients OR fend off disease. If the gut bacteria aren't healthy, the whole body is unhealthy.

We try to stick to a gut-nourishing diet, which is heavy in bone-broth-based soups, healing fats (mostly coconut oil, butter/ghee, olive and avocado oils, and pastured animal fats), loads of organic vegetables, living/fermented foods, and VERY low in grains and sugars. If we don't generally eat this way, none of the other things we do will make much of a difference!

So here’s my line-up to creating that beautiful homeostasis, which provides Health all winter long!

1. We aim for Probiotic and Prebiotic Food at most meals, along with probiotic supplementation:

Probiotic foods actually contain good bacteria. I try to have one of these at each meal: sauerkraut, kimchi, yogurt, kombucha, aged raw cheese. (I make my own raw milk yogurt because the store-bought stuff is not fermented very long, leaving lots of lactose behind. Sometimes it's not fermented at all—they just add yogurt starter to cold milk and add thickener.)

Prebiotic foods feed good bacteria. Some of our favorites are ginger, garlic, coconut, raw apple cider vinegar, and onion. These also happen to be infection-fighting super-foods. When I'm dealing with ANY illness, I always increase our family's consumption of garlic and onions, both cooked and raw. At the start of any throat or sinus malady, raw apple cider vinegar (2 tsp mixed with raw honey in a glass of water, or used as salad dressing) is the go-to.

The probiotic I take at least twice per day (and give half-capsules to my kids, sprinkled on their food) is Bio-Kult. Because healthy gut bacteria are mandatory for avoiding illness, probiotics are a non-negotiable in our home.

We also avoid ANTIBIOTICS like the plague. They wipe out the good bacteria, creating an unbalance in your gut. It can take your body a minimum of 2 weeks to recover, up to a full year and some species of bacteria never recover. I personally would not take them again unless I had gangrene and death was imminent. It's that dangerous. I believe many of my childhood sicknesses and allergies were due to my gut being slammed by too many antibiotics! P.S. Ear infections will heal using natural measures! I recommend reading "How to raise your child in spite of your doctor."

2. We try to consciously avoid sweet things, especially sugar, but also maple syrup and sweet fruit!

Many books are written about how sweets are quite possibly the most dangerous foods to regularly consume, so I won’t go too much into it. They cause chronic inflammation throughout the body, they drain your body of vitamins and minerals, feed cancer, cause heart disease, and they feed infections of all kinds. I used to make honey-sweetened gluten-free muffins or gluten-free pancakes twice a week (or more), and I’d keep dates and raisins around, but I’ve seen the most health gains (no illnesses) in our family when those things were cut from the rotation!

Also crucial for immune system strength is staying completely gluten-free! I have a pretty severe gluten intolerance, but though my family can tolerate it in moderation, they choose to avoid it because research suggests that ALL humans have gluten sensitivity to some extent! Exposure to gluten increases gut permeability (allowing undigested food pass into the bloodstream), turning on an unhealthy immune response and triggering inflammatory chemicals which harm even the brain! Again, if you want a healthy body in the winter and all year round, you need a healthy gut, and that means avoiding gluten! Healthier options are wild rice and quinoa and even gluten-free oats, and we use almond and coconut flours for baking.

3. Our heavy-hitter anti-sickness supplements are: Cod Liver Oil (for vitamin A), Vitamin D3 drops, and Vitamin C.

As soon as one of us gets a scratchy throat or sniffly nose, or we think our body is battling something, the first thing we do is take a dose of cod liver oil. I take the high-vitamin (but yuckier tasting) Rosita brand cod liver oil. Cod liver oil is naturally loaded with Vitamin A, the "anti-infective" vitamin, which the immune system is dependent on! Fevers and infections drain your body's reserves of Vitamin A!

We also take Vitamin D3 (we've barely missed a day this winter), as it's crucial for immune health—the flu is considered to be due simply to vitamin D deficiency! The skin manufactures vitamin D when exposed to the sun, so we try to get 20 minutes (with NO sunblock) outside every sunny day during spring and summer!

Note: Normally I’m opposed to isolated nutrients, but we were terrible about getting outside this past summer because it was so hot for my then pregnant self! I’m hoping to have us be better about it this year, and we won’t need the supplement in winters to come.

And Vitamin C supplementation, as sodium ascorbate, is only for special cases (as the supplement is kind of pricey, and I prefer to get vitamin C from foods). I had forgotten it in the back of my pantry until this past fall when Lochlan came down with a nasty cough that just wouldn't leave. But when I remembered Vitamin C's notoriety for healing coughs, I gave large doses to him, and the cough completely vanished in just a few days. Vitamin C is critical for immune health overall, especially your white blood cells, as it helps them destroy pathogens before they get out of control. Fermented veggies like kimchi are great sources of vitamin C in winter!

4. There’s rarely a time that Bone Broth isn’t simmering on our stove in the winter (and pretty much all year long)!

Chicken bone broth contains gelatin and collagen, which help line the intestinal tract, and heal and reverse leaky gut! (It's seriously all about the gut.) In turn, bone broth can prevent inflammation in the body, and reduce the occurrences of allergic reactions from food. When I imagine the perfect diet, it definitely contains bone broth.

Because it’s anti-inflammatory, it’s great for remedying symptoms of cold or flu. It also contains a natural amino acid called cysteine, which can thin the mucus in your lungs so you can cough it out more easily.

Broth also contains the amino acids that literally hold us together. We need them especially to repair our bodies when they've been damaged by inflammation and infection.

I shoot for at least one cup of broth consumed per person each day. It’s seriously delicious on its own, but that gets a little boring, so I make soups with it several times a week! Also, soup is the easiest way to get my kids to eat VEGETABLES! When they're softened and pureed into a creamy, savory, salty soup, they actually REQUEST it. One of my many soup recipes, Carrot-Cinnamon Soup is included below!

Also worth mentioning is that the body craves warming foods during the winter. My mouth almost rebels against cold salads or smoothies when the temperature outside is below 50 degrees! But warm soups, roasted meats, and heated vegetables create such a harmony— they work with the body's seasonal needs instead of against them.

5. We don't want to give our bodies more toxins to process and expel, so we work to have a very low toxic load overall. This means our entire home environment! It helps with easier breathing, less irritated skin, fewer chemical headaches, fewer stomachaches, and fewer illnesses (since the body uses illness to detoxify!). Here's a short list of things we try to maintain toxin-free:

• We purify our drinking water using a Berkey, removing fluoride and chlorine.
• We only paint walls with No-VOC paints, from Benjamin Moore.
• We avoid perfumes, scented candles, fragranced detergents.
• We try to buy only natural materials for furniture and decor, like solid hardwood, wicker, wool, cotton, metals. These don't out-gas like particleboard and plastics do.
• For cookware, we use glass instead of plastic, iron/stainless steel instead of non-stick, and parchment paper instead of aluminum foil.
• We run all our body/beauty products through EWG.org and choose the least toxic! I've even switched over to mostly natural makeup and hair products (my last major hold-out!!!). We also make quite a few body products (like deodorant) at home!

6. In the winter, we try to slow down and rest.

Balance means so much more than food! Without quality sleep, food doesn't matter. But without healthy relationships, sleep AND food don't matter. In the winter especially, we take the time to linger at the dinner table and talk with candles lit, we go to bed earlier, we slow the pace of appointments and our homeschool schedule, we invite friends over, and we don't worry so much about being "on time" to things.

Then, if illness does come, we very consciously slow down even more, responding to the body's call. Rest and hydration are my answers to sickness! I do not even treat fevers with medication. The body is so intricately designed, my first instinct is to pray God's blessing over the process of healing that he has already set into motion.

Carrot-Cinnamon Soup* 10 medium-large carrots, chopped into 1” rounds * 2 sweet onions, chopped * 4 T butter * 4 cloves of garlic, minced * 2” chunk of ginger root, peeled and grated * 4.5 cups chicken bone broth, unsalted, homemade * 1.25 tsp cinnamon * 1/2 tsp pepper * 1 T Himalayan pink salt * 1 can full-fat coconut milk (do not replace with cow's milk -- the coconut gives needed sweetness) * 1/4 cup raw cream OR whipping cream OR the thick cream from a can of full-fat coconut milk (discarding the watery liquid at the bottom)

Melt butter in large stockpot over medium-high heat and add onions, cooking and stirring till soft. Add garlic and stir for about a minute, then add carrots and stir for about five minutes. Add ginger, broth, cinnamon, pepper, and salt, and bring to a boil over high heat. Once boiling, reduce heat to low, and simmer for 45 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add the coconut milk, the cream, then puree fully (in the pot) using an immersion blender. Taste and serve! Great topped with bacon, or toasted chopped pecans.

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I get asked a lot of questions about my kids and their eating habits. When Lochlan, my oldest, was a toddler, we didn’t know what we were doing and I fell in the same rut many parents do. He would eat Annie’s cheddar bunnies and drink pasteurized milk, and that was it. Later, he went on a blueberry-only fast… that lasted at least a few months. But when I had Felicity, I had a personal health crisis (I got postpartum anxiety from far too low vitamin levels, especially low vitamin D), and I drastically turned my diet around. We went on a gut-healing diet, and started to see food as more than something with which to fill your belly or entertain your tastebuds. Your food literally becomes YOU. And it feeds the gut bacteria that guide many processes in your body, even turning genes on and off!

God gives us a blueprint for a strong, healthy body, straight teeth, and we are meant to live to an old age with our minds fully intact. Our genes are this blueprint. But there is so much choice in how the blueprint is used. WE determine the building materials for every cell. What we put in our bodies determines whether we go with our optimal blueprint, or not. I don’t think most physical problems are from weak genes — our genes simply have requirements for nutrients and clean environment that need to be met. This is called epigenetics — you turn genes on and off based on what you eat and how you live.

I realized that my kids deserve to have their bodies' needs for nutrients met. Every day. Without fail. This is one of my highest responsibilities as a parent.

And it can seem so daunting.

But I’ve chosen to see it as empowering. I can give my children energy, proper growth, preventing many diseases and infections, helping them be mentally quick and alert, living to their full potential while alive on this earth, even giving them the best chance at having fertility as adults, and longevity.

Most of my waking hours as a mom are spent preparing food. It’s power in my hands — I can choose to fuel health or fuel disease. This is not a fad diet. You don't cook real food for a month and quit. I spend a large amount of time learning about what's in our food, and I make more and more from scratch, buying more and more locally. I can’t go backwards.

I’ve had many days when I feel utterly drained, both literally (nursing around the clock!) and figuratively, and I wish I could just toss the kids into their car-seats and head off to Dunkin' Donuts, but I have to daily actively choose the sacrifice. It is significantly more work to travel to the farm, pick up the raw milk, make bone broth, chop vegetables, roast meats, and wash all the pots, than it is to just pick something up and watch the kids eat the food with reckless abandon! But I feel that the call on my life is to give health to my kids in these short years that I have them with me.

And even more than health, I want to please God in everything I do. In obedience to Him, I aim to daily lay down my own life for my kids.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Phillipians 2:3-4

Note: I do know that some can’t afford to eat entirely organic and local, but remember that this is a process! It took us time to get here. Do what you can right now, prioritize, and keep moving on!

My kids now daily eat things like bone broths, a wide array of vegetables--cooked and raw, wild caught fish, pasture-raised meat, raw fermented dairy.

Here’s how I get my kids to eat this healthy, life-giving food:

1. Make them hungry! We first ditched ALL processed snack foods except raw cheese, nuts, and fresh (sometimes dried) fruit. We got completely rid of crackers, chips, cookies, snack bars, cereal, frozen pre-made meals. For a while, I would make kombucha gummies, or make almond flour cheddar bunnies, or organic grain-free muffins to have on hand. Now, years into the process, we don’t even regularly give them snacks. We’ve stopped buying raisins, and we save the peanuts for peanut chicken! Without a snack, they eat SO much more at mealtimes. When they’re hungry, it’s amazing the vegetables they’ll eat willingly! To get them to stop snacking, we just did it cold turkey. I announced at breakfast that they’d need to eat plenty because we weren’t eating again till soup at lunch. I listened to the complaining until lunch, and repeated the process every day until they started to get it.
2. Make the food delicious! I can help with that here on this blog! I’ll try to post only foods that kids would eat. I am very in favor of adding yummy fats and salt to just about everything. Butter, cream, bacon, yes yes yes. I crave Brussels sprouts these days, since I roast them with butter and pecans, and a drizzle of maple syrup. Heavens! Kids have pretty amazing palates, when given the opportunity to savor high quality stuff. There’s no need to serve bland chicken with rubbery green beans.
3. Start early: Some of the first foods I try on my six-month-olds are bone broth and soft-boiled egg yolk! When you start with more savory foods — as opposed to grains and sweet fruits — they’re more likely to like them! If kids never learn the habit of having starchy-sweet junk around, they won’t crave it — they just won’t even know that’s an option. Also, during pregnancy or nursing, you can start their affinity for healthy foods by eating them yourself — flavors do pass into the amniotic fluid and into breastmilk! Heidi likes carrots thanks to the loads of carrots I ate during pregnancy with her. And I’m sure Wesley will like kale because I ate it so much when I was growing him in utero!
4. Be consistent: If one day I tell the kids we value organic food because we’re avoiding herbicides like glyphosate, and then the next day, we eat Chik-fil-A, our message is lost. Kids closely watch us to see if we act on our beliefs. Through our consistency, Lochlan learned to always eat organic, and will voluntarily give away his Halloween candy, or will politely opt out of a game that involves artificially colored food at a party. Even little two-year-old Heidi knows to ask if something is organic when at church or with sitters.
5. Know WHAT is healthy and WHY! This is the most important one! One of the things we talk about at the table is food and where it came from. When we visit the farm, the kids get to see the healthy animals roaming around freely, and they see life as God designed it. So, they know when they see a bright blue frosted birthday cake (with that notorious chemical aftertaste), they can tell the ingredients are not life-giving, and they avoid them. Our principles for eating are these:
   1. Nothing synthetic. Ever. God doesn’t make mistakes — people do. So if food was created or edited in a lab, we don’t eat it.
      • No GMOs. This isn't your typical cross-breeding that farmers have always done with plants -- this is taking the gene from one species and putting it into the DNA of another totally different species. Genes may come from bacteria, viruses, insects, animals or even humans. I will do another post on why we avoid GMOs, but extreme precaution is warranted, as these foods are new to the planet, and most independent animal research shows damage to nearly every organ studied.
      • No synthetic pesticides. Monsanto’s Roundup (Glyphosate) is one that I’m most concerned about, and it is genetically engineered directly INTO many of the GMO foods, and is sprayed on many non-organic grains. It is known to affect reproduction, destroys gut bacteria, chelates (draws out) vital nutrients from the body, it’s a neurotoxin, and even the World Health Organization has deemed it a probable carcinogen! Other synthetic pesticides are extremely harmful as well, and even the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) issued a statement saying children have unique susceptibilities to pesticides' toxicity, and research links them to pediatric cancers! The only way you know you’re avoiding most pesticides is if you eat organic/home grown!
      • No artificial hormones (rBGH - recombinant bovine growth hormone) or antibiotics in our milk or meats.
      • No protein powders, skim milk products, processed vegetable oils (soy, corn, canola), additives of ALL kinds (synthetic vitamins), synthetic sweeteners (aspartame, truvia, splenda). Wonder why they need to add chemical-something, if nature got it right in the first place?
   2. As Whole as possible. Processing food by any means removes its nutrients. To make something able to travel -- canning, drying, preserving with chemicals, etc.--you have to remove its nutrients. A food with no nutrients will not be attractive to pests or bacteria. It won't rot, but it also won't keep you alive. We look for food with nutrient density — instead of shopping for foods that will make you feel full, we shop for foods that are naturally loaded with vitamins, minerals, phytochemicals, and more. The benefits to this are infinite, but one is weight control — when your body is getting the nutrients it needs, you’re satisfied! The better the food, the less of it you need!
   3. As local as possible: Local is transparent. You see what is going into and on your food. If you go to a major processing plant or large confined animal factory, you will not be allowed in, and you're horrified at what you see if you do! Local is also fresh and in season. Freshly picked vegetables and fruits have more of their vitamins and minerals intact, and they require less preservatives and sprays since they won't be on a truck driving across the country. They don't need to be picked before they're ripe. Fully ripened also tastes better.
   4. Few sweets! We try to limit everything sweet, even fruit. Most research points to sweet foods as a main cause of inflammation in the body, directly fueling cancer, gut imbalance, and an enormously long litany of health problems.

We try to eat as many fresh vegetables as possible, and two of the ways I get them in is pureed soups, and hidden, mixed in with other things (especially with cheese!). Spaghetti squash casserole is a great way to load up!

spaghetti squash casserole with chicken sausage* 2 small spaghetti squashes (or 1 very big one) totaling about 5 cups of cooked spaghetti strands * 1 finely diced sweet onion * 4 cloves garlic — minced * 2 T butter * 2.5 tsp salt * sprinkle of pepper * 1 tsp dried basil * 3/4 tsp dried thyme * 1/2 tsp dried oregano * 18 oz glass jar of diced tomatoes (Jovial brand is perfection) * 12 oz. bag shredded cheddar * 12 oz. bag shredded mozzarella * 12 oz. of chopped (into small bite-size) cooked sausage (any kind—I use Caprese chicken sausage, but I've also done Pork Sage sausage from a local farm).

Preheat oven to 375. Cut spaghetti squashes in half lengthwise, scoop out seeds and middle goo, then place in two 13x9 pyrex baking dishes face down and fill with 1/4” water. Bake for 45 minutes to an hour, until squash shreds readily into spaghetti strands with a fork. Then remove all squash strands and transfer to a large mixing bowl. Mix in the basil, thyme, oregano and 1 tsp of the salt. Melt the 2 T butter in a large frying pan, add in the onion, and cook on medium until the onion is translucent. Add the garlic and cook till very fragrant, 2 minutes. Add the jar of tomatoes and cook for 4 more minutes, until the liquid has reduced quite a bit. Add the other 1.5 tsp salt to the onion/garlic/tomatoes and sprinkle in the pepper. Mix in the chopped cooked sausage to the tomato mixture. Grease (using butter) a 13x9 pan. Divide the seasoned spaghetti squash in half, spreading the first half down in a 13x9 pan. Next, sprinkle half of the onion/tomato/sausage mixture on top of the squash. Then dump evenly half of each bag of cheese. Repeat the three layers, ending with the cheeses. Reduce the oven temperature to 350, and bake for 30 minutes. Wait till finished bubbling, then serve!