KARMiC Journey: Recent Episodes
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I want to discuss the idea of being authentic.
Au-then-ti-ci-ty.
It’s a word with lots of buzz. It’s searched for, sought after and even after a lot of trying to achieve, is often still elusive. Authenticity is so valued because in its most simple and pure form, it is what people cherish and connect to most in life – in people, places, experiences and things. It’s hard to define because it can often seem limiting or too small a notion for a complex, complicated person, life, brand or business. The fact is, that in order to go big, we have to start small – with an understandable, focused definition of who we are.
Once we know this, we start to get what we want.
Authenticity can’t be an illusion of reality – how you think you are or how you want to be perceived. It’s reality itself and because of this, it’s not something you can chase, seek or discover. It’s already there, within you. You have to feel it. You have to know it, for real, and be good – really good – with you, just as you are.
How many times have you said to yourself something like, “that feels like me.” Or “I think could get into that.” Or even, “I could be more like her, or him, or it or them.”
How many times have you looked to others to help define yourself? The answer is, for most people, a lot!
We’ve all done it and we all do it. And that’s OK because in doing this, we’re often led back to our authentic selves. Taking inspiration from the world around you is what we do as seeing, feeling connecting humans. It’s what we keep and what we don’t that defines our authentic self.
How Can You Find Your Authentic Self
I was looking at an old photo of me the other day that a friend emailed with the laugh-crying emoji. It was from the early 80’s when we just graduated from college. My hair was short and spikey. I was wearing an oversized, distressed leather jacket over a hoodie and sweats and big – huge – round pink tinted glasses. I was with a woman who had a parrot on her shoulder. I have no idea where we were. I can’t even begin to guess. I texted back a LOL.
After I dried my eyes from laughing so hard, the first thing that came to my mind was, “What was I thinking?” This looked like a version of me that didn’t make any sense. I wondered why I was wearing this outfit. In the photo, I had a drink in my hand – a cocktail with a little straw – so I was out someplace like a bar or a club. If I was out, why was I wearing a hoodie. This was the 80’s – you got dressed up in your biggest, baddest shoulder-padded jacket when you went out. I looked like I came from the gym; or a midnight run to the store to pick up something urgent that didn’t call for getting dressed. Like a gallon of ice cream. Chocolate marshmallow, to be specific.
Once I got over the initial shock of seeing my youthful self, wearing what obviously made me happy and comfortable, if not fashionable, I began to think about authenticity and how my authentic self looks and feels today.
Stop Apologizing
I have a closet-full of office attire and cocktail-party clothes from my days as a corporate CEO that I rarely need now as I spend most of my time working and writing from home. Then, I have a section of drawers filled with leggings, sweats, jeans and t-shirts that are my go-to’s. Add a few baggy sweaters in the mix and that’s what I throw on every day. I inevitably head to town to shop and do errands and that, I noticed, is when my excuses begin:
“Forgive the sweats…I was too lazy to get dressed.”
“I just wanted to be comfortable today.”
“Stella McCartney designed these leggings.”
I took a deep breath and realized that the photo of me then and me now are the same person. And I would still go to a bar to meet friends wearing a hoodie. I would definitely seek out the girl with a parrot on her shoulder! So why the excuses? Age, social propriety and both recognized and unrecognized rules of appropriateness have a way of taking who we are and turning us into who we think we should be.
How You Can Tap Into Your Authentic Self
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Look at photos of you from a time in your life when you felt free and comfortable with yourself. Think back to what made you feel this way and try to bring those elements back into your present.
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Stop making excuses for your looks, body, weight, career or anything else you think you need to apologize for. You don’t owe strangers or acquaintances any explanations and your family and friends should already be aware and supportive of you being you! If you want to live in sweat pants, live in sweat pants. That’s your call.
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Note the times, places and situations in which you feel or felt your best and happiest. Note all the details such as where you were, who you were with, what you were doing and even what you were wearing. Use happiness journaling to help you pay attention to what makes you feel calm, centered and effortless in being you.
You have a lot to offer the world and deserve to feel your best while you take it on! The best way to contribute to your overall health, happiness and success is to understand who you are and how to, truly, be yourself. We’re all waiting for you…
The Covid-19 pandemic hit and in one way, will never leave. It’s one of those milestone moments that change things forever; one of those things that shifts human behavior, which as us marketers know, is one of the hardest thing to affect. Causing the change you want from typical, accepted-as-normal behavior to a new normal – or abnormal - takes a lot of time and money. It takes ubiquitous, can’t-miss-it media, both paid and earned, to get people to do or try something new; something out of the ordinary – like standing 6ft from someone you’re having a conversation with. Like wearing a facemask to the grocery store. Like washing your hands until they’re raw, cracked and dry.
Why Resolutions Don’t Work
Every human being who has set a goal that drifted away or made a new years resolution and not achieved it, knows how hard it is change behavior or add a new way of doing things to our busy lives.
By the way. I want to lose a few pounds. I know what I need to do in order to get on that path but I usually deviate. The point being, just because we want to change and know how to change and know we should make a change doesn’t mean we can automatically affect a new behavior. I have learned that I am easily derailed; something made with butter and cream will often be the culprit.
Resolutions become pressure cookers for what we are not doing, or what we’re doing wrong. When we break them, which is typically the case, we feel even worse about ourselves.
The Power of A Positive Perspective
In times of extraordinary stress, it’s best to focus on what we’re doing right. With so much that’s in flux we need to hold on to things that sustain us; that support our core. We need to complain less about what’s going wrong and give thanks for what’s good in our lives. For me, it’s morning coffee with my daughter – a simple, easy routine that I look forward to. It’s also quiet time that I never had before. It’s solitude in which to work and write. It’s knowing my mother is being taken care of by my sister. It’s food on the table and a puppy on my lap.
There are behaviors we run toward and those we run from. Find the things you gravitate to that make you happy, calm and centered. These are your saving graces. And once you recognize them, give thanks for the relief they’ve granted you.
I feel grateful.
Today I literally counted my blessings. I woke up feeling yucky – I couldn’t put my finger on why I felt listless and unsettled. I had a good night’s sleep. Nothing was really wrong – there were no problems to mitigate or solve, my children were all in a good place. I just felt down. Sad. Not like I wanted to get up and start my day.
So I lingered in bed and counted, out loud, all the blessings I had in my life. I put my thanks into the ether, sat back up and started my day. It was that easy. Expressing gratitude as an emotional practice can help you re-set how you feel, how you see the day ahead and how you see the world around you.
We all know that saying “thank you” is polite and kind. When someone does something nice for you, we give thanks. But gratitude is deeper. It’s about paying attention to what we’re grateful for in our lives so we can generate feelings of compassion and kindness toward ourselves, then others.
The first person that deserves a gratitude attitude is you. We can be so hard on ourselves as individuals. Our self-talk can often be about scolding ourselves, wishing we did something differently or better. Self-talk is often used to voice regrets, mistakes or misses. We punish ourselves for not being all we could have been or all we should have done. Facing regret is seen as a way to learn and grow. It can work, but it’s not the only way. Among all this negativity is also a lot of goodness that we can celebrate. It’s just as motivating. Unfortunately, we often take the good things for granted and focus on the bad, in the name of self-improvement.
And while it’s OK to acknowledge that we can all do better sometimes, these realizations must be boosted by the positive, proactive acknowledgement that we have much to be grateful for. Being grateful and expressing it aloud will help you cultivate an attitude of optimism, empathy, well-being and will give you the energy to get out of bed and get on with your day!
Feeling grateful is motivating. It’s a bountiful emotion. Some scholars have even called gratitude a ‘virtue’. When turned on ourselves, it helps us re-set that “yucky” feeling we all sometimes feel.
So when you’re hit with that “I don’t know what’s wrong with me today, I don’t feel myself” feeling. List off all the things you’re grateful for. Say them aloud or write them down. Make them real to you. Read them when you need to remember who you are to yourself and those you love.
Your gratitude attitude will help you live for what you have, not what you don’t.
These are tough times.
The national discourse is not always nice. There’s more anger, finger pointing, name-calling and discontent with the way things are than any time in the recent past.
The uninitiated might think that this is the way to get ahead – throw your colleague under the bus. Lie. Cheat. Fake it ‘til you make it. The young people who are entering the workforce get much of their information from social media – from what appears in their feeds, what is shared, what is tweeted, posted and trending. I teach at a large university and I hear this first hand from my students.
They see mistrust everywhere and easily point out the use of humor, sarcasm and over-explaining as ways to feign civil decorum. They reject messages that walk the line between irrelevant news and hyperbole as they make believability an issue.
Even in the world of mainstream advertising, the legal mandate of telling the truth has recently been tested and stretched.
In early 2019, Budweiser threw MillerCoors under the bus with an advertising campaign that poked at their competitor for using corn syrup in the brewing process – something that had nothing to do with consumers or what they care about.
Clif Bar followed soon after by launching a marketing campaign against Kind bars focusing on Kind’s lack of organic ingredients. They were criticized for using a cause to promote their own product and were accused of ‘concern trolling’ Kind snacks.
Media driven messages are vast and powerful. Companies, brands and individuals have a choice – they can join the fray or they can push it away and stick to their own values and morals to get ahead. Good guys don’t finish last.
So here’s the point I want to make: we trust people that are kindful. We invite them out to dinner. We strike up friendships. Being with them makes us feel good about ourselves too. It inspires us to be kindful back. We have the confidence and support to function and behave on our own terms and can push off mean-spirited rivalry and actions that masquerade as the new standard of behavior.
Leaders and role models today have the responsibility to teach the current and next generations that Kindfulness is the way to feel good about others and ourselves. Focusing on doing good to feel good is the true and correct way to get ahead.
When I go back to my class this fall, I’m going to teach a whole new group of students the benefits of Kindfulness. We’ll do exercises on emotional intelligence. We’ll work on developing positive personal interactions. We’ll discuss media literacy and learn how to pay attention to what matters. This is my one little part in trying to help future leaders honor themselves and others by seeing Kindfulness as a key skill. If we can all stay mindful and be kindful, the workplace will be a better place to work.
You can read article after article on how to transform your home into a work-like atmosphere, full of all kinds of efficiencies and organizing principles that will help you be a better person, spouse and parent. Makes sense, right? We know that being organized reduces stress and anxiety, helps assure you won’t miss a beat – like your turn for car pool – and keeps things in good running order so that everyone in the home is taken care of and feeling loved. It sets expectations, a certain rigor and, well instills a type of professionalism in how things get done at home. No middle child should ever be chanting, “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha” in the organized household of today. And for everyone reading this who has no idea who “Marsha” is, this is a Brady Bunch reference.
As a working mother of three children (now grown) and at one point the “parent” to three dogs, 2 cats, two ferrets, a bunny and a gerbil, I know how important it is to be organized. I can tell you first hand that when I didn’t have it together for one reason or another, everything from the food shopping to errands to family-time, all suffered.
There are many tools from the workplace that can be applied for home use. Calendars, planners, group chats, white boards and even meetings have a place in the home, allowing us to use the processes that work at work to help the home work better too.
But what if we also take the elements that make us love being home and bring them to the office? Environments influence our motivation, mood and happiness. Workplace culture is valued more than many other workplace benefits and is seen by over 90% of workers as critical to success.
So what is it that we like about home? Being home makes us happy. We feel safe when we’re home and we trust what’s happening around us. We love the smell of dinner cooking, the sound of laughter and a comfy place to sit down and put our feet up. The ease and informality of connecting and communicating at home is natural. We’re less stressed and on our guard when happily at home. At home, you’re a family unit that cares about each other and is committed to one another’s health and happiness.
Culture is a living, breathing thing that needs nurturing. Bringing home-like elements into the workplace can have just as beneficial an effect as bringing work-like elements into the home. If we treated our co-workers more like family – were more invested in their well-being and happiness, and not just their productivity, talent and contribution to business – we would be able to create energetic, passion-driven co-workers, willing to work together for fun, love and mutual happiness. More like family.
Family comes to life in comforting rooms, at get-togethers, in communication and in shared goals and needs. We know what’s expected of us at home. We know how our home-life works. It’s not always so obvious at the office, especially one where directions are not always clear and goals are only shared with those at the top. At home, you know you need to make your bed and that it’s part of your responsibility as a member of the household. If you’re not this clear at work as to your role and responsibilities and what you are accountable for on a daily basis, you will not succeed and going to work won’t feel homey.
For everyone who’s running a company, culture starts with you. Put your human kindness and values into everything you do and set the culture based on your behavior, interactions, desires and caring relationships with the people who look to you –like you would do at home. This isn’t about adding a couch and a lamp – although these are nice to have. This is about how you feel about the people in the office, how you care for them and how you work together to achieve shared success and happiness.
After all, home is where the heart is. Why not bring a little of this love to work too!
I can’t find time to write. My book plods along at a snails pace. It frustrates me every day that I can’t seem to find a solid chunk of writing time. Even when I plan to sit at my desk and not move until I have produced at least 2000 words, the opportunity never seems to make itself available to me. When there is seemingly nothing on my plate or calendar, writing time still often gets left by the wayside.
And I finally know why.
It’s the meeting I agreed to with one of my students. It’s the first 50 pages of a book a friend is writing that I said I’d be happy to give feedback on. It’s the charity event I hosted at my house, the birds that need feeding and the posters that need to be tacked up in schools and cafes to help my daughter with her literary magazine. It’s phone calls to my mother, sister and three children to touch base and make sure everything is good with them. Someone wants a recommendation for something. Someone else wants to talk through a pressing decision. Friends want to get together because that’s what friends do.
And I am out of time to write.
Someone I was lamenting my lack of time to told me that I need to learn the word “no.” The problem is that I’m not a “no” person. I’m a “yes” person – not the kind that agrees with everything out of weakness or fear – but the kind that says yes in order to help. Every day I get up and work on Karmic, a movement dedicated to inspiring each person to do at least one good deed a day in order to better themselves and the society in which they live. I imagine the ripple effect these acts of kindness will have as they radiate from person to person, community to community, city to city and onward. I think about the idea of kindfulness, which I frequently lecture on and in doing so, the words “yes” or “of course” or “what time and where do you want to meet” invariably come out of my mouth.
But I have to admit – or more correctly, confess – that my “yes” tendencies are not always best for me and the dreams I want to achieve. I know that I need to make my own work and needs a priority even if it doesn’t seem that way. I thought that perhaps I was avoiding writing – throwing up my own road blocks and reasons not to finish my book because, well, it’s simply easier not to find the time, the discipline or the words.
The idea of saying “no” was something I recently encountered when reaching out to two friends who both told me “no” because they were too busy with their own projects. As they were friends, their “no’s” were delivered with kindness, explanation and a rain-check. I felt admiration for their ability to deliver such an sensible kind of “no.” This wasn’t about rejection, I realized. It was self-protection. It was all very counter-intuitive but nonetheless, I was happy that they told me “no.” I was happy for them and their focused pursuits.
I am, however, a writer and therefore I need to write. I have things to say and share that I am compelled to get out of me and into the world for whoever wants to read or hear. Lately, saying “no,” for me has become more an act of bravery than a denial. It’s brave for me to put myself first based on all I try to stand for in terms of serving others. Yet, in order to help others, you must be the first person you help. In the spirit of the saying, feel good to do good and do good to feel good, I know I need to balance the kindness or “yes’s” I give myself, with those I give to others. It’s not easy being a “yes” person when you know that “no” is often the better answer for your own well-being.
I’ve decided to look on the bright side of “no.” Saying no to something means saying, “yes” to something else. “No” can mean you now have more free time. “No” can also mean ‘not now’. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing concept.
When you shine a positive light on the word “no” you will often find yourself saying “yes” to you – something many of us don’t do enough. Agree? Yes. Yes I do.
Welcome to KARMiC Minute. These are shorter pieces that I want to share with you right away – right when they’re on my mind. Right when I feel the need to ponder a topic or discuss something that occurred. After all, even though this is a blog post and podcast, it’s still real life. Think of KARMiC Minute as peek into my journal:
Someone hung up on me today.
She said I wasn’t listening and she wasn’t going to waste her time talking to me.
My first reaction was that yes, I was listening and I asked a question because I didn’t understand, not because I was distracted.
I wanted to say that I’m sitting at the kitchen counter, drinking coffee and am fully engaged. I wanted to tell her the TV is off and my computer is closed. I wanted her to know that she had my full attention but I just didn’t hear what she said. Maybe I was lost in a sip. I don’t really know.
But I do know that I shouldn’t have been hung up on.
She said bye and that was that. It was a quick and quiet disconnect that removed me from the conversation in an instant.
It felt final. Like I had no opportunity to continue – either to repent or revolt against what I saw as a one-sided door-slam. Saying good-bye and ending a conversation in person or on the phone should be a mutual decision.
I was ready to apologize today before I was hung up on. I was willing to take responsibility for how I made her feel. But at the same time, it kind of bothered me that I felt this way. Saying, “I’m sorry” didn’t feel like the right words, because I wasn’t really sorry! I wondered if my urge to apologize was actually passive aggressive. Was my potential, “I’m sorry,” just a nicer way to express my displeasure at the wrong turn the conversation took? I felt conflicted.
I thought about the words, “I’m sorry,” and how often they can backfire, causing the apologizer to be seen as the aggressor. When we unnecessarily say, “I’m sorry”, it comes off more like indifference or exasperation. Apologies should not be reluctant. They need to come sincerely and naturally from the heart.
So the thought I want to leave with is this: the next time I fall into the bad habit I have of saying, “I’m sorry” as a way show how exasperated I feel, I’m going to say, “I love you,” instead. This way, I’ll always stay on the giving end of a conversation, not just the receiving end.
The writer Mark Twain once famously said, “If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it's your job to eattwo frogs, it's best to eatthe biggest one first.”
The ‘frog’ is that one thing you have on your to-do list that you have absolutely no motivation or inclination to do and that you’re putting off because it’s hard, uninspiring, no fun or just a plain pain to accomplish. Eating the frog means that if you do it first and get it out of the way, you’ll know that the worst thing you have to face throughout your day is over. You can, theoretically sail through the rest of the day with both momentum and a sense of accomplishment, right from the start.
We all have ‘frogs’ to eat every day. There are books, papers, lectures and un-ending advice on how to be efficient with your time, in order to conquer your to-do list and reach the larger goals that are attached to it.
There have been days when I look at my ‘frog’ and just can’t imagine ingesting it. Instead, I get rid of all the little things that are easiest to accomplish and clear my plate for the big juicy entree. But I’ve found that at the end of the day, I have less of an appetite for taking on a daunting task and often let my ‘frog’ go un-eaten. This means, however, that the next day I’ll have two frogs to eat.
I suppose that how you get through your list of must-dos each and every day is personal preference. And, if you have a system that works for you and makes the use of your time both efficient and effective, hooray! For, at the end of the day, if you have a blank slate and the freedom to begin again, then don’t stop or listen to any other advice. You do you!
But for those of us who just can’t seem to face the frog, I say, eat if for breakfast. I’ve learned that I need to eat the frog first thing in the morning or it nags at me. I can’t get the image of it out of my mind. It’s like the little creature is sitting on my shoulder all day long. There’s nothing like overcoming your biggest hesitation while you’re fresh. On a deeper level, there’s nothing like starting your day knowing you’ve faced fear and hesitation with accomplishment and strength of purpose.
What really happens when you don’t eat the frog is that you tend to experience a sense of failure and regret. Every time you avoid a feared or unpleasant situation, your anxiety can grow. And we know, the only way to decrease anxiety is to gain mastery of a situation through practice, practice and more practice. You know the joke about Carnegie Hall – when asked how to get there, the answer is, “practice!”
Eating the frog takes practice. If you do it every morning, it may be unpleasant for a while but will start to feel less so as you continue this practice. Does this mean you’ll have to just accept the fact that your morning – every morning – will be unpleasant? Not at all. Think about how many things you’ve done that started out with a sense of fear and trepidation and ended up with feeling joy, elation and success. Studying for a test or preparing for an important meeting, for example, are a few of these. And the more you do it, the easier and less scary they become.
Getting rid of the hard stuff first is hard, at first. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. So eat the frog and before you know it, you’ll love the taste of success that comes along with it.
We had it made as children. We could all yell “do-over” and just wipe away the immediate past to start again, without repercussion. The beauty of a do-over is that it negates an attempt at something that was unsuccessful or unsatisfying. It’s like an eraser.
Unfortunately, it’s hard to apply the concept of a do-over in adult life. We can’t have an argument with someone where harsh words are used then just yell ‘do over’ and wipe the slate clean. We can’t wing a business presentation knowing preparation is lacking, thinking we can demand a do-over if – or when - things go south.
Yet, there is something so free-ing about the idea of a do-over. It takes the pressure off; Lets some air into the moment. It negates the ‘do-or-die’ consequences that we often expect and dread, when things don’t go as we planned or wished. I’ve thought about how many times I haven’tdone something I wanted to do because I was afraid it just wouldn’t work. The thought of failure can be daunting and it’s often the cause of not even trying.
But what if we tapped into a little bit of our childhood wonder? What if we allow our desire to be curious and explore the unexpected, the unknown or the untried to prevail? If we could do this free of fallout or backlash, I know that I would be more apt to try more new things, more of the time.
There’s a well-known saying by Thomas A. Edison in regard to inventing the light bulb, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work,” he said. A lot of smart, successful people, like Edison, believe that failure is the key to reaching your dreams and goals. There is quote after quote on how failure is a stepping-stone; Failure is the motivation to keep going; Failure is the best way to learn. And yes, it’s true that you learn and build on failure and use what it teaches you to reach your ultimate goal. But if you’re too hesitant to start, you won’t even get the chance to fail, and fail again and then, happily, hopefully, succeed.
So even as motivating as the idea of failing is to success, it can also make you feel defeated even before you even begin.
I like to think more in terms of “fresh starts.” This has a more positive vibe. I’d rather envision myself joyously starting over rather than picking myself off the floor from a failed attempt. If we think and see success in our mind’s eye, and know that we can happily call for an adult-like do-over, we can learn through joy, not failure as our motivational path. Let’s not try to fail better anymore. Let’s just take a deep breath and get a fresh start, again and again and again.
The artist Rochelle Udell paints chairs and lectures on their symbolism in design, business and life. They’re beautiful works of art as well as thought provoking still lifes. I bought one of Rochelle’s works. I leaned it against the wall, next to my desk. It sits there, just like a chair. This artwork is a gold-leaf rendition of what is known as the Frances Elkins Loop chair. It was designed in the 1930’s by Elkins, one of the 20thCentury’s pre-eminent female interior and product designers. Rochelle, I learned, is not the only one to be fascinated by the topic of chairs.
The chair itself has a 5,000-year history that began in Egypt. There are books written about centuries of chair design, their meaning, function and connection beyond function. Chairs, according to scholars, were one of the first signs of civilized life – they got ancient humans off the ground. In a book on chairs titled, Now I Sit Me Down,the author says, “The way we choose to sit, and what we choose to sit on, says a lot about us: our values, our tastes, the things we hold dear.”
At one point in early history there were two types of people – those who sat on a chair and those who sat on the floor. Chairs were reserved for royalty, the wealthy and the powerful.
Now, as I sit here in my desk chair at home, writing this piece, I can’t help but think about the idea of this chair being more than a place to rest my behind! When I sit in this chair, I’m here to write and work. It’s a comfortable chair, but it’s definitely not a relaxing one. When my children come in my house and find me sitting in my chair, behind my desk, they almost always excuse themselves for interrupting and back out of the room, closing the door behind them. We all know that when I’m in this chair, I mean business!
I think back to when I was a child living with my grandparents. Everyone had his or her seat at the table. The head of the table was always reserved for my grandfather. No one ever sat in that chair except for him. It was the traditional place for the head of the family and our fearless leader. His seat at the table was one of respect as well as position.
But what happens in life and work when we aren’t in our usual chair anymore? What happens when circumstances change and we’re no longer at the head of the dining table or the boardroom table? When we no longer sit in the chair, behind a desk, in an office that signifies status and position, are we still treated as a former occupant or are we back on the floor? Are we still defined by where we used to sit or does that honor now get passed along to the next sitter in the seat?
The answers, I believe, are up to the sitter, and not the seat. The chair we sit on – whether it’s a throne, a wingback or a stool, gets its ultimate meaning from the person sitting on it. No matter where you sit, make sure that people respect you for the person you are, not the seat you are in. Where you sit at work or home is not an indication of where you sit in life. Let your values, attitude and kindness to others define your power seat and let a chair, be just a chair.
The difference between being ‘nice’ and being ‘kind’ is vast. This isn’t just a semantic variation on a theme. On the surface, the difference may not seem that substantial. However, being nice and being kind, in essence are not related at all.
While watching TV one day, I saw an advertisement for Kind snack bars that made a distinction between nice and kind. It’s true that they are taking their brand name to heart, but hey, there’s nothing wrong with good marketing that’s also an eye-opener for human behavior. As someone who ran an advertising agency for years as well as currently teaching the state of the industry at The New School, they got my attention!
The ads for Kind bars make a point that nice is well just nice – a surface behavior that is often driven by manners, social propriety and fear. Yes. People are often afraid not to be nice. This fear stems from ancient times when being nice meant you had a better chance of not losing your head on the chopping block. Perhaps it’s not that different today in the challenges we face in societal and workplace culture. But nice as a behavior sometimes gets more credit than it deserves.
Nice, for example, is not always sincere. Sales people are nice to even the rudest of customers because, well honestly, that’s part of the job. When someone pushes past you on a train or bus and mumbles, “excuse me,” as you fall onto the next person causing a domino effect of bumping and banging, this is nice in action. Nice says, “Sorry, my bad,” in order to keep the peace and not make things even harder than they already are. Kind would not have pushed past you in the first place. Kind would have stopped, asked if you could make some room and gone on its way with gratefulness, caring and concern.
It’s true that nice helps keep things at a polite and cordial level most of the time, which is definitely needed, but being kind is much deeper. It’s something you do more than something you say. And, it’s motivated by empathy, not just politeness. One of the things I like to tell people, and truly believe, is that kindness is an action sport. It’s a stand-your-ground and get-it-done solutions oriented activity.
Here’s an example that many people can relate to. I’ve done it too - most of us have: When you walk past a person asking for money and you say in an upbeat apologetic voice, “Sorry, I don’t have any money today,” you are trying to be nice, but you definitely are not kind. Kind would have helped in some way, even if just to stop and talk and listen and care. Or, kind would have come back. In fact, Kind wouldn’t have left the house without some spare change or dollar bills in a pocket.
Kindness requires mental and emotional preparation. You need to prepare yourself for kindness, especially when you know that the help you want to give may not be received, well, very nicely. We all face difficult situations where the kind thing to do is not the easy thing or something what’s even wanted at all. You need to be prepared to say I understand you, I hear you, I’m with you and I care about you no matter how notnice a person is to you.
It’s important to try, always, to be kind over nice, and understand the difference.
I’m glad I saw the Kind ad on TV that day. It got me thinking, as good advertising should. It brought an important topic to light that is societally beneficial to understand, which is kind. As far as their ads go, I think they’re quite nice!
I went to a Detox Judgmentbook launch event, featuring author and spiritualist Gabrielle Bernstein. I didn’t quite know what to expect or why I even bought the ticket. It popped up on my Facebook feed and without hesitation, I reserved one seat for myself. I was more curious than anything about how an event like this might look. Or feel. I was fairly sure that this was going to be too basic for me. After all, I already know that judging yourself and others is not a healthy practice; that it lacks the positivity and proactive kindness I espouse in my life. I wasn’t sure what enlightenment she could add to my knowledge base on this topic. Regardless of the large dose of skepticism that came with my interest, I went to the event and even got there early – even waiting in line to get a good seat. The event was in an auditorium in New York City. I was a few rows back from the stage, in the center and directly in front of the chair and table, from which Gabby was obviously going to sit and speak. Music was pumping. It was a strange mix that only made sense as a playlist because of the amped up, energetic vibe. The crowd was mostly women with a spattering of supportive men. One man had on a T-shirt that said, “I’m with her,” with an arrow pointing to the woman on his right. Probably left over from a women’s march, I judged. Then almost on-time, the lights briefly dimmed, the volume was raised and Gabby came out dancing, clapping and gesturing to her packed audience of about 700 people. There was a standing ovation with seat-swaying, cheers and a lot of hooting. Hands were in the air. Heads were nodding up and down. I joined the crowd. For some reason, I thought it would be more like a literary reading or a TED Talk where the audience applauds politely while the author or speaker saunters on stage to the waiting chair, microphone and bottle of water. I was kind of hooked from the start. Gabby spoke for an hour. Telling stories from her life and going through the 6-step process that results in your personal judgment detox if you do it right. She calls everyone “girl,” calls herself “crazy,” and constantly addresses her audience with rhetorical phrases like, “ you know what I mean, right?” She is very funny. After an hour of the Gabby show on stage, it’s time for the Q&A part of the night. Two microphones are set up on each aisle at the front of the stage and audience members who want to talk to Gabby line up. At this point I’m thinking that it’s a bit more energetic than I imagined but nothing more and was happy my ticket came with a copy of her book so the evening wasn’t a total non-event. Then a young woman walked up to the microphone and told Gabby she felt worthless. She spoke through tears about her lack of self-esteem and how she was afraid she was going to pass these feelings down to her young daughter. The woman behind her in line stepped toward her and gave her a big hug from behind. I asked the women in front of me if I could have a tissue. The entire audience was sobbing. The next woman said her mother hated her. The next woman said she had no friends. The next woman did not feel supported by those she loved. One woman said her husband cheated on her and she needed help to forgive him and asked Gabby what she could do to find forgiveness in her and not hate his guts for this betrayal. One woman was mistreated by her mother-in-law. After almost an hour of crying, hugging and encouraging advice from Gabby, the last woman of the evening approach the microphone. She said, “ today my husband told me he was done with me. My friend brought me here. I’ve never heard of you before and I don’t really have a question for you. I just need to talk to someone and be in a supportive community.” Woman after woman got out of their seats and formed a giant group hug, enveloping the woman at the microphone. I needed more tissues. The woman ahead of me gave me a handful. Hour three of the evening was spent in the lobby where Gabby was signing books. I was emotionally drained and left through the side door to head home. The evening took me by surprise. These women who came to see Gabby were amazing. I know Gabrielle Bernstein is an award-winning, world renowned best selling author and teacher but her power to inspire an audience with love, kindness, compassion and true community is more powerful than any words that can be written on a page. I want to be like Gabby, I thought. I want to be like my version of her – where the problems we face everyday are met with humor, joy and passion; where personal sadness is met with positive energy as the healing force. This was not a sympathy-fest. It was a celebration of “go-girl” self-empowerment led by spirit junkie energy.
I never expected a breakthrough for me to come in the form of uncontrollable sobbing and a need to re-evaluate my own compassion and feelings toward others from attending a promotional event by a motivational speaker on a book tour. But it did, like it or not. I would have preferred this moment occur on a retreat in India, or a mountain top overlooking the Grand Canyon while meditating, but it happened in a non-descript NYC auditorium surrounded by 699 strangers. And like most awakenings, it happens when you least expect. So next time you make a snap judgment without the benefit of your own experience; without empathy; or without knowledge of the situation at hand, you might miss your own enlightening moment of love and light. It’s important to try new things that cross your path. They’ve come to you for a reason. Be brave. Be open. Be inquisitive. And remember, curiosity doesn’t always kill the cat.
A man was sitting on the sidewalk, with a guitar at his side and a mason jar with a few dollars in it, next to the guitar. A woman walked up to him. They stared at each other for a few seconds.
“Are you going play?” she asked.
“Are you going to pay?” he replied.
The woman looked at him skeptically and with a raised eyebrow and tight grin, shook her head saying never mind walked away. I understood she thought he was a jerk since she mumbled it under her breath when she turned to leave.
So what really happened here? Was this the case of a street performer who didn’t get the play-for-pay drill? Was he just a jerk? I didn’t know. I couldn’t know because there was much more to question in order to understand. In circumstances where assumptions can be readily made, no one will ever know the actualities unless all the questions needed to understand any situation are asked in the moment. If we decide that walking away is easier, than we’ll be missing out on understanding or learning more about a person, a situation, a point of view and perhaps, ourselves.
We all have the tendency to make assumptions based on what we see or experience and we believe our assumptions are true. But when we make assumptions about what other people are doing and thinking, we often blame or shame them needlessly because it feels personal. The woman who approached the musician took it as a personal affront that he wouldn’t play for her. She called him a jerk. She stormed away. She felt slighted. She created drama. So how do you stop yourself from making assumptions and not allow hurt feelings and confusion or, even worse, drama to follow? Ask questions. Ask as many questions as you need to in order to understand. The only way not to assume is to actually know.
I asked the musician if he would play a song. He asked me to pay first. So I put a donation in his jar and I stayed to hear the song. When he finished I asked him why he didn’t play first, suggesting that he might make more money this way.
“That’s the way everyone does it,” he said. “But I’m an artist. When I get paid, you get my art.”
So now I knew. He wasn’t just being contrary or difficult. He had a reason for how he was doing things that might not have been the most expected approach, but it was understandable, nonetheless.
When he picked up his guitar and began to play for me, other people walking by stopped to listen and put money in his jar.
He got to maintain his point of view that his art should be acquired, not given away, while at the same time, earning even more money from passersby who remained unaware of the entire process. It seemed like a win-win for him. He didn’t feel like he was selling out.
I gave him a thumbs up and continued on my way. What may seem obvious to one person, might not be so apparent to someone else. Assumptions can cause hurt feelings and misconstrued perceptions. Have the courage and curiosity to ask questions so you can truly understand any situation you are faced with.
I started the day as I typically do. I sat up in bed upon waking, propped my pillows to support my back, closed my eyes and began meditating. I thought briefly about the allure of a hot cup of coffee then quickly focused back to my mantra. Other thoughts came and went and after about 20 minutes, I opened my eyes. Still sitting in bed and still thinking about a having a cup of coffee, I felt thankful for my meditation practice. I acknowledged how it helps me to focus on the present, with the strength I need to show up in the moment and be mindful to situations throughout my day. “Great, I’m mindful,” I said to myself, so now what?”
I started to wonder if I was really thinking about mindfulness in the right way or if I had succumbed to some mainstreamed buzz-feed version of it. I learned quickly that I was not the only one trying to re-center on the topic of mindfulness. And not only was I not alone in wanting to engage with it better, I was in great company. In researching why mindfulness might be leaving me feeling a little empty, I stumbled upon a small but powerful book called Kindfulness by renowned meditation teacher and Buddhist monk, Ajahn Brahm.
In his book, Ajahn Brahm tells a very funny story which adeptly illustrates why mindfulness needs to be activated with kindness. In his story, a wealthy woman who was going to her meditation class one evening tells her security guard to watch her home while she is out and to be alert and mindful at all times. When the woman returns, she discovers that her home had been robbed. She scolds the guard, telling him he failed by not being mindful of burglars. “ But I was mindful,” said the guard. He told the woman he mindfully watched the burglars go into the house and come out with her jewelry and a safe. He said he mindfully noted each activity of the burglars. Obviously, being mindful was not enough. Had the security guard also been kind, he would have done something to stop the robbery. Ajahn Brahm believes that without the added ingredient of kindness, mindfulness doesn’t go beyond present moment awareness. Adding a kindly awareness helps define action beyond the mindful moment.
While research has proven time and time again that daily meditation can help you focus your mind on what is happening in the present moment and therefore be mindful, also being kindful can make any mindful moment even more beneficial.
When we were kids, we were taught the Golden Rule – treat others the way you want to be treated. Unfortunately, the stresses of work, money, family and other outside influences can sometimes cause us to forget this adage. The Golden Rule doesn’t always follow us into the adult world. But as the benefits of mindfulness are well documented and known, the benefits of kindfulness are also backed by science, proving that being kind is not just kidstuff. When you help someone through an act of kindness, your brain boosts your serotonin and releases endorphins, giving you what is called a “helpers high.” Acts of kindness have the power to reduce stress, relax your body and mind and allow healing to happen. Being kind to people can reduce internal inflammation, lower blood pressure, ease chronic pain, help you develop meaningful relationships and strengthen your connectivity to friends and family. All this kindness-giving leads to a longer, healthier, happier life. Now that’s something to be mindful about!
So back to my original question that emerged after meditating of, “What now – what do I do with my mindfulness?” Mindfulness is a state of being that needs to be activated. Since kindfulness can be defined as mindfulness in action it’s important to note that in every mindful moment, we all have the power to recognize the present then do something altruistic to improve it. Meditation and mindfulness don’t come with built-in goodness and virtue – you have to add that – you have to add kindness - to your practice. I love the phrase, “Just Add Kindness.” I use it as a catch-phrase reminder to myself that my intrinsic mindful moments can also benefit those around me if I activate them with kindness. So if you want to get more from your mindfulness practice, just add kindness. It’s just that easy.
A girl walks into a nail salon. It’s early summer and the front door is open to let the cool breeze in.
This girl stands on the threshold facing into the salon and announces, in a very loud voice, “I need my gels removed.”
The entire salon stops and turns toward her, not really sure of what was happening and what, perhaps, came along with this bellowing disclosure.
The girl just stands there, waiting for a response.
The salon owner says, “OK,” and “come in.”
“I need my gels removed,” she repeats loudly.
The salon owner says, “OK,” and “have a seat,” gesturing to where she should sit.
And this is the end of the story. There, obviously, isn’t any punch line because it’s not that kind of joke. In fact, it’s no joke at all. No one was smiling.
“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” said the woman sitting next to me at the manicure table. “She just walks in the door and barks orders. How can anybodybe so unaware?”
Another woman, who was sitting close by chimed an agreement, “So rude!”
And a third woman said, “These kids think they’re the center of the world.”
Three women, each with a different take on the girl. One said she was unaware. One said she was rude. And, one said she was self-important. Everyone has a mix of judgments, beliefs and expectations on a variety of topics and subjects. When something gets our attention, we focus on it and our opinions come to the forefront.
But what if the women in the nail salon saw things differently? What if they saw the girl as excited, enthusiastic and joyful – looking forward to a fresh manicure? Attributes assigned to the girl, then, would be more associated with feelings of happiness, cheer and delight. She would be “fun,” not “rude” and she would be “happy,” not “demanding.”
We all have the power to react to our environment and situations based on perceptions that we decide, positive points of view that we cultivate and expectations that we shift from the dark into the light. If we seek a higher vibration energetically in all our encounters, we will receive, and therefore impart, more positive and happy reactions and results.
Instead of going home from the nail salon and telling the story of a rude girl who just walked in and blurted out demands, the story could go this way: “The cutest girl walked into the nail salon today. I’ve never seen anyone more excited to get a manicure. Her enthusiasm was uplifting.”
Looking on the bright side is a deliberate action we can all take. It is a purposeful, positive stance that can influence and affect everyone around us. Choosing to be this way may not align with everyone around you, but not being understood or liked by some is a small price to pay for unconditional uplift.
I wish I perked up that day and said to the three women, “Look how excited she is. I love her spirit!” But I didn’t. I judged them as they judged the girl. We’re not perfect. We all miss moments in life when we could have done more. Done better. Done something over nothing. It has really bothered me since that day, which is why I’m talking about this now. I’m annoyed with myself with not trying to lift the mood and help shift the spirit to a happier and more positive place.
Consider this, therefore, my ‘confession’. It’s not the typical confession that admits guilt or asks for forgiveness, as in a religious practice. I’m not confessing here out of shame or embarrassment. I am confessing that I could have done better. I’m confessing that I learned something about myself that day – that sometimes I can, and should, involve myself more and share my thoughts, in the moment. I tend to be introspective. I think about things for a while – swirl them around and only allow my feelings to emerge after I’ve contemplated the entire situation. Sometimes we can’t go back and fix things. But, if we choose to see things differently – see things with the most positive perspective – then we will be able to trust ourselves in the moment to get involved and speak our minds.
I’m going to the nail salon next week to try again. And, if a young, enthusiastic girl walks in and wants her gels removed, I’ll know just what to say.
I could sense the sun rising with its bright morning rays coming through the spaces between my shuttered windows, as I lay in bed, not quite ready to throw off my cool comfy sheets. I slowly rolled over to face the windows and let the sun touch my face. After a few minutes of invigorating warmth to coax me fully awake, I was ready to start the day. I opened my eyes. Or, at least I tried to.
At this point in my life, I feel relatively safe in terms of the choices I make. I don’t drive over the speed limit. That much. I don’t break the rules. That much. And, I tend to keep focused on thoughts and activities that are about good business, good living and good actions. In fact, most days, I feel pretty safe in my own skin, as perhaps you do too.
I woke up before my alarm, an increasingly common occurrence, but not for the usual reasons- the birds, the early rising sun of late spring or honking cars- I had a throbbing pain in my right side that was uncomfortable, tender, enough to wake me. Due to a recent diagnosis of a condition that, though manageable and somewhat mild, was alarming and jarring, I had turned almost overnight, from a medically neglectful person to a hyper-vigilant-bordering-paranoid alarmist when it came to my body and its health.
Walking down lower Fifth Avenue in New York City, on my way to The New School, where I teach, I passed several people on the sidewalk asking for money - a fairly usual sight, especially when the weather is warm.
I was snug in bed, settled down for the evening and ready to binge watch my latest Netflix obsession before falling asleep. My phone tolled the chimes that ring when I receive a text message. I felt around for it, eyes still on the television, expecting it to be a message from one of my kids. It was not.