Will.Go.Do.: Recent Episodes
André Kajlich
André here! This article was written in late 2016 to raise awareness about my record-setting bid to compete in the Race Across America (RAAM). I completed that race in 2017. Took 12 days and 16 hours (and I would do it again in a heartbeat).
Training for it while working a full-time job was challenging enough, but without financial support I never would have made it to the starting line. Thank you to everyone who made this race possible for me. Every penny, every share on social media helped!
I’ll get out of the way now…
“What’s It Gonna Take”
André Kajlich is a Washington-born paratriathlete with a knack for tackling the extreme and making it look easy. With several Ironmans and Ultramans under his belt, he’s now set his sights on making history: being the first hand-cyclist to qualify for and compete in the Race Across America (RAAM).
Even André will admit, this one is a beast. This twelve day, 3,000+ mile race from California to Maryland is infamous for the sheer number of riders who drop out every year, often more than half. Riders battle fatigue, dehydration, harsh weather, even delusions brought on by the endless exertion.
The question is, why would someone take on such a daunting challenge?
For Andre this is not simply a matter of making history – this is personal. In 2003 André was attending university in Prague, enjoying life and regularly carousing with friends into the early hours of the morning. After ending a night out with a breakfast of waffles, he parted ways with his friends and wandered towards home. How he ended up on the tracks facing an oncoming metro remains a mystery, even to him. With one leg requiring amputation above the knee, the other at the hip, there was little hope he would walk again. Having spent his young adult years dabbling in sport after sport this was a bitter pill to swallow. Over the next five years André only concerned himself with resuming life as usual, claiming “life isn’t always a willing experience; you just have to keep moving forward.”
From the seeds of that struggle grew a newfound perspective and perseverance. After entering the world of endurance sports on a whim in 2010, he became the USA’s Paratriathlete of the year in 2012. He’s taken the gold at the Panamerican Championship in Edmonton, the National Ironman 70.3 Championship, and the Ironman World Championship in Kona. He's the first wheelchair athlete to finish Ultramans in Canada, Hawaii and Australia, and was even the first to complete the grueling Brazil135 Ultramarathon in the Mantiqueira Mountains. André even turned the San Francisco marathon into his own little Ultra – racing the course in reverse the night before, then turning around and jumping in with the main field in the morning.
The cycle of finding a race, puzzling through its completion, working to hit training goals and finally seeing himself across the finish line represents for André the positive side of his life’s struggle. Through sheer determination André did learn to walk again, but more importantly he brought the lessons he learned from the process into other facets of his life. Yet despite André’s profound capability to overcome the impossible, the Race Across America could not be achieved without immense support. RAAM not only demands intensive training, mental fortitude, logistical planning, and the love of family and friends. But it requires full team support every step of the way too, an asset which could not achieved without the financial backing of those who believe in his cause.
For more about my requirements: click here
I tried something new on the ride to work the other day. It’s been a year since the Race Across America and my body hasn’t recovered yet. I’ve done a few small rides, 40-50 miles, but even during my commute little issues pop up. My neck and back especially are giving me grief. I was sore and fatigued after every ride.
My body doesn’t want to recover.
So I went back to the basics. RAAM broke my body down to nothing and I actually have to start over. Small rides, knee push-ups, stretching and foam roller, and of course, spinning on light gears as I headed to work.
Until some dude FLEW past me.
I couldn't help it.
I tore after him. I caught the guy but damn was it heavy riding. I think we’ve all been there, pushed by the urge to prove yourself even when it wasn’t the healthy choice. He and I chewed up the miles for 30 minutes or so before the toll came due.
The numbness building in my hands suddenly roared into gripping pain. I cradled it and coasted, and in that moment, the guy was gone.
My plan of starting back at square one, taking it easy and rehabing, had lasted for about 500 meters. Typical.
Every day and in every way, I get knocked off my plan. Isn’t that the most human thing of all? We can build these marvelous, multi-faceted strategies for success, for improving ourselves and fixing our flats instead of riding on rims.
And then we scratch it when our instincts kick in.
We’ve all gotta fight that urge, but what’s the answer? How do we fix it? I’ll share with you my strategy:
iYAWYAT
If you ain’t writin’, you ain’t tryin’
The way I internalize my ideas and convert them into action is by writing.
I don’t miraculously take away lessons from life, I have to chew my experiences over, inspect them, revisit them time and again.
This is how I learn what I think. I work through my inspirations during the day and record them, leaving breadcrumbs in my journals and documents. My morning lesson isn’t going to stick on it’s own. When I write, I realize how precious are the thoughts that with a good night’s sleep can vaporize into oblivion. One moment's insightful wisdom is the next moments “What was I thinking about!?”
So I write. And you should to.
Because today that same damn rider blew past me, down in his aero bars, and do you know what I did?
Blew him a kiss and bid him g’day.
-AJK
31st July 2018
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What does it mean to celebrate onward? After the Race Across America, my body broken and my sense of immediate purpose gone, a profound emptiness began to creep into my life. I enjoy acting like the superman my friends think I am, but getting back on the grind was a real struggle.
But I’ve got a trick. Knowing that my suffering and joy are temporary, on the bike and off, I don’t dwell. I choose to celebrate life anyway. It’s easy to celebrate when life is good, but if we can celebrate when life is at its gloomiest, there will always be a light to guide us out.
Maria Durana - 2016
RAAM was the ultimate challenge for me. Biking 22-hours a day, an entire crew dedicated to pushing me to overcome the road, the elements, and the demons in my own mind. But afterwards, even with my success, it was like I began to deflate. I wasn’t biking or writing. I barely kept up with friends. I had projects in the air but without any energy to pump into them, they began to stall out, one after another. Ever been there?
Then one day, I monkeyed into the driver’s seat of my car and stared at the steering wheel. I’d been driving to work for three weeks straight. For the past few years my commute had been a highlight of my day, the perfect opportunity to let my mind roam free jump as the miles slipped away beneath my handcycle and me. Nowadays with my hands were still frozen like claws, having suffered from pain bordering on nerve damage during the race, the thought of biking was an agony in itself. But I felt empty.
I had to make a change.
So do you know what I did?I called my boss, told him I’d be late, headed back inside, pulled on my bike kit, jumped on my handcycle and started pedaling. At first I felt like a car with no oil lubricate its engine, but soon that familiar glow began to grow.
Here’s the naked truth.
We all need healthy routines. They’re what center us. A good bike ride with some dance-your-face-off blasting in my headphones is one of mine, and whenever possible, I embrace it. Rain or shine. And even though every movement hurts, I can take always take it slow and carry on until my next challenge looms on the horizon.
It’s only been a week since I left my car in park, but real quick, let me just say:
I AM BACK!
All routines come with their share of grit. Don’t shy away from it. Celebrate onward and you’ll find yourself… unless you find someone new instead. :)
-AJK
24th Just 2018
“Live With Heart”
I've always loved that line: “It’s A Journey, You Animal!"
It celebrates life and frames ourselves as travelers with our very own path. Life may sometimes feel like an intimidating quagmire of randomness, but we can ignore the devastating wastes on our left and right.
All we need to do is find our path and follow it.
I’ve had this title mulling around in the back of my mind of late, and produced an intriguing question.
What if the essence of life doesn’t matter as much as how we frame it?
Conceptualizing life as a journey is healthy and fundamentally human. Doing so layers our experiences with meaning, it allows us to envision ourselves as building life rather than being buffeted by it. It allows us to take ownership.
But at the same time, recognize your heritage. Don’t forget that at heart, you’re still an animal. Animals are fickle and mysterious. However well developed our frontal cortex might be, we evolved to rely on instinct over reason. There are cogs and compartments inside of us that we can’t understand or even control, try as we might.
Why do we like what we like? Why are they important to us? Why are we drawn to those emotions? What choices are really ours to make?
Yesterday I was rolling along a bridge, walking with a couple of my friends, and stopped to look down over the edge. A pang of fear shot through my stomach as I looked down. My vision tumbled as I watched the sea. It wasn’t the fear of heights that got to me.
It was the fear of myself. Was there any hidden part of me that wanted to hop over the railing?
I think back to when I was kid, when I was my most animalistic. I don’t know how many choices that I made were truly mine. At the time, I picked my sports, friends and activities not for any grand reason. I just picked them. Without being much aware, I was just living, playing, enjoying, and wondering… but hardly contemplating. I implemented a few basic lessons my parents taught me, but for the most, I was almost fully animal.
And even though I grew up-
I still embrace it.
I don’t fight the animal inside of me. I make friends with it, guide it, and sometimes let it pull me along.
On dangerous ventures it’s the whetstone that hones my mind to a point, and on an endless cruise down an infinite highway, it’s the music gushing through me.
The animal is the uncontrolled layer. Don’t ignore it.
Feed the beast.
-AJK
17th July 2017
“Live With Heart”
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Don’t know Matt Rutherford? You should. Here’s the story, from cult life and juvenile detention to sailing solo around the Americas and researching the complex problem of plastics in our oceans at the helm of his own non-profit.
Matt and I sit down in this first episode of Will Go Do - my podcast to illuminate the adventurers that take humanity to the next level.
Give it a listen!
If no one has said it before, let me say it now.
The United States is actually massive.
And that Race Across America thing was pretty massive too…
Like, “over 3,143 miles” massive. “170,000 feet of climbing and felt like more” massive. The challenge was bigger than I could have imagined. The commitment to pedaling, to be "in it" at all times was maddening. The pain, delusions, and joy that brought me to the edge of madness. Endless climbs, no sleep, even with mostly beautiful weather - it was all massive.
And if you’re curious? Yes.
Yes I would do it again.
Really quick, the big shout out. I only got through this race with the support and enthusiasm of family, friends, and organizations like the Challenged Athletes Foundation. I owe you so much. To every one of you following my journey, sending me prayers and messages to lift my spirits: THANK YOU!!!
The question I want to answer comes to the core of who I have become:
How do we overcome the impossible?
For many people, even with my string of accolades as an endurance athlete, my bid at RAAM as a solo handcyclist was a futile effort. It had never been tried, might never be done. But I did it. How?
First, prepare by DOING, not by thinking. I knew I was ready for RAAM because I failed my first two qualifiers. In order to be allowed to race, every rider must qualify. The most basic one is the 24-hour race. Rack up 400 miles from dusk, through the night and the following day, and you’re in.
RAAM was a beast, but it never hit 400 miles in a day. Figuring out my nutrition, handcycle setup, efficiency plans were crucial to making it work. I hit every bump on the way - including one in Borrego Springs that literally broke my handcycle in two - but in the end I did. And having tasted failure, I knew I wouldn’t need to a second time.
And second (my personal favorite), when rolling off that start line, shut the brain off and follow your heart. I didn't think of the enormity of the continent before me and thus it couldn’t scare me. Every day, I had a job to do. My job was to pedal, all day, and every break from pedaling had to be justified. It didn’t matter what lay ahead - hills, storms, descents, mechanical bugs, barreling semi-trucks, fatigue, heat, cold. It didn’t matter. Carry on and ride it out, or go home.
So simple, your brain can call it quits by the time you roll off the line!
Thank you to my crew of merry fools: Colin, Brad, OP, David, Jen, Darwin, Matt, Chris and Jackson. You were a pleasure on those lonely roads with me. I am eternally grateful for your friendships and commitments.
Thank you as well to Specialized, Phil Wood & Co., and Campagnolo for the gear upgrades that made all the difference. If RAAM felt smooth, it was because I everything I needed to succeed. You made this possible.
And now, time for some well-earned rest!
-AJK
“Live With Heart”
It took two years and four attempts, but I've realized the dream. Finally, I qualified (and just received the official invite) to compete in Race Across America as the first ever solo handcyclist!
After coming up short on several qualifying attempts, I am so happy to have stuck with this goal.
If I'm honest, it's been difficult to go through so many grueling miles and still fail each time. For one, that should be easy relative to RAAM. It also made me rethink the purpose of all this and wonder if efforts aren't better spent elsewhere. I still don't know with certainty but I can say that sticking it out feels good and I've learned invaluable lessons and had priceless experiences along the way. Quitting my first attempt was one of the best things to happen for me as an athlete. I've always learned the hard way - so why should this be any different?
I just did 401miles in 31hrs and 2minutes (toot, toot) over 20,000feet of climbing mountains, through the desert night and up "middle finger" hills.
Please note: this is well beyond what I ever thought I'd be able to do, especially when I was just getting started and training on a 2.8 mile lake loop. Honestly, I never thought I would even aim this high.
Progress does NOT ignore dedication.
Thanks to all of you out there for supporting me and encouraging me when I get discouraged and confused by this Quixotic quest I'm on. Much love to you and to my 3 dedicated crew members - Matt Hoffmann, Jared Wylie and Kat Henning (nice pic Kat!) you should have seen (heard) us out there ;) Most people have no idea how big of a team effort this all is. Everyone grinds hard.
Specialized Bicycle Components and Phil Wood & Co. have been incredibly helpful. We made some adjustments and gear choices after some time in the Specialized wind tunnel and team mechanic Kyle Hayes completely rebuilt my drive train which massively improved efficiencies. They even teamed up with LeRoy at Phil Wood who built out a set of Roval hoops on Phil Wood's legendary hubs.
Thanks to you both, we did it!
One final big thank you to the RAAM officials for being creative with me to find another way to qualify. Having a freak mechanical 12 hours into my last qualifier (bike suddenly snapping in half) was unusual and they know how badly I wanted this. They agreed this was a fair solution and I hope it shows my worthiness to take on this awesome challenge.
Onward! (gulp)
-AjK
andre@willgodo.com
Earlier this month I took another swing at qualifying for Race Across America. I was in good shape and had an awesome team with Mike and Tommy Hughes flying in to crew. I also had a solid traveling companion in Jackson Mauzé and in a huge upgrade to the readability of this site, he has written the following:
photo: Pablo Durana
“To qualify for RAAM the threshold is an astonishing 400 miles in 24 hours.”
““I’m not gonna be smiling after a lap on this bike.””
photo: Pablo Durana
“snapped frame, snapped an insta, now just waiting for a ride and cursing into the darkness”
The Borrego Springs 24-Hour Time Trial
by Jackson Mauzé
André’s journey to Race Across America (RAAM) faced its toughest hurdle yet this past weekend when he traveled to Borrego Springs, CA to compete in the Time Trial Championship. To qualify for RAAM the threshold is an astonishing 400 miles in 24 hours. If he was intimidated at the prospect of circling the same 18-mile course through the deep of night and heat of the arid day, he masked it under a hefty mantle of optimism and self-deprecation.
In fact, the ride inland from San Diego was a surreal insight into André’s character. Soon after setting out from San Diego we left the large interstates behind and began snaking into the mountains. We cracked jokes and mused about careers and art and life as our ears began to pop. Only as we descended the Glass Elevator, the infamous scenic road that winds down to Borrego Springs, did we stop to appreciate our surroundings. Where many endurance athletes can become consumed by love for their hobby, by stress for their challenges or even by a self-absorption from so many hours spent reclusively on the bike, André tackles each race with a refreshingly casual determination. For a 37-year old with the energy of a kid, he’s decidedly professional in his regimen and preparation without the swollen ego that could plague such an incredible athlete.
Then again, what “professional” sets off from the start line of a bike race without sunglasses?
Aside from that minor gaffe, quickly remedied, the race started well. Andre set a strong pace from the beginning, averaging under an hour for each loop. Then at 4 AM, nearing the end of a cold night that saw several riders beginning to bonk out, the aluminum frame of his bike snapped in spectacular fashion. After picking up speed on a shallow slope he hit the flat and his bike bottomed out with a BANG, hand crank breaking off in his hands along with the front wheel He skidded into the dirt as G-forces flung him about, only held in his seat by the belt across his lap.
The damage was irreparable, and due to the time-trial regulations, he actually forfeited the 16 miles he’d completed on that loop when an official had to pick him up and bring him back to the pits. He was tired and dirty, his hands bleeding from minor cuts as his crew worked to prepare his rusting back-up bike. But he still he was smiling.
When someone pointed that out as a silver lining, his response (with a grin) was classic: “I’m not gonna be smiling after a lap on this bike.”
The back-up handcycle was old and didn’t fit well, the metal bars squeezing his hips painfully. But after only half an hour in the pit he was out and cranking once more. His lap times saw a small drop but he dug deep and never quit, even as the night began playing its tricks. Andre insists he saw an old woman with curly hair in someone else’s headlight ahead of him. She was walking down the road in the black of night – which somehow didn’t seem odd to his befuddled brain at the time – with what appeared to be two miniature greyhounds on leashes. When his own headlight lit up the same area she was nowhere to be found.
As the sun rose over the mountains he kept his pace steady. He rarely stopped, only doing so to eat real food for a change or chat quickly with fans and friends. When his shifter cable snapped, sticking him in his heaviest gear for the rest of the race, he cracked a joke about it during his next pit stop before tearing back onto the course. His final lap on the big course (before switching to the mandatory four-mile loop at the end) was his fastest in the preceding four hours.
But he wasn’t done yet.
As we drew inexorably toward 6 PM, the temperature only just dropping from where it had sat in the low nineties for several hours, Andre started his final lap with only sixteen minutes left, knowing full well that if he didn’t finish in time, those four miles would be forfeit. We all waited anxiously as the announcer counted down the time remaining. Three minutes. Two minutes. One. Thirty seconds. Twenty.
With less than ten seconds left Andre whipped around the last bend, head down and cranking furiously. The crowd came alive as he pulled across the finish line with only seconds to spare - the last racer to finish.
In the end, Andre did not qualify for RAAM this weekend. At an official 343 miles he was short of the target, but nothing could dampen his mood. If not for the major bike malfunctions? If not for the lost mileage thanks to his breakdown? He was on pace to qualify. And this wasn’t his last opportunity before RAAM rolls around this summer. The same grit and determination that got him through the grueling race this past weekend will get him to the starting line.
It’s not a matter of “if,” it’s a matter of “how.”
Thanks Jackson, it was fun to relive the race and weekend through your experience!
If any of you want to contribute to my next qualifying race and overall RAAM budget, I'd be extremely grateful, and am happy to give you a link to do that:
Help André Qualify
Thanks all!
-AjK
andre@willgodo.com
Pulled over in my car yesterday and hammered out a quick message to family and friends. Until somebody mentioned it to me, I hadn't realized that it was the 12th Anniversary of my accident (more info about that). https://andrekajlich.com/wgd/start
I sort of like that I never remember. However, it's also understandable that others cannot forget the day - I was literally comatose. I woke up, I healed up (mostly), and with the help of my amazing parents (pic to the right should sum that up ;) my sisters, my friends, my community, and a bit of my own hard work - I've made it to a much better place.
What came first to my mind as a reflection is worth sharing, it is the biggest lesson the past 12 years has taught me:
I'm appreciative and thoughtful today - Pearl Harbor Day and Andre Is Beyond Lucky to Be Alive Day. Bad Things happen - that will never change. Some will be caused by outside forces and many will be our own damn fault. The only way I've found an effective way to respond is to forget about blame, forget about changing the past or controlling what we can't control. The best response is to use that beautiful brain of yours to think long and hard about what is the most productive way forward. It won't be any quick snippet from any other source but yourself. It won't be the best choice or a sustainable decision unless you are willing to be painfully honest - at least with yourself. Confront what you don't know, don't understand, and what you aren't doing right. Find a way to focus on what you can control: your attitude, self-discipline, gratitude, knowledge, and move forward like your life depends on it, because in many ways - it does.
But really, I don't know much about anything so just try and enjoy today because you're still alive and that is good.
Thanks to everyone that has helped me get from there to here smile emoticon
-AJK (8th December 2015)
I haven't raced since May and I still need to spend time thinking about what happened. Maybe a big adventure with lots of time for reflection and it'll all come to me....although life itself is the biggest adventure and I love it for that (with all the ups and downs that love entails ;) Last May I raced the SoCal400. It was supposed to be 400 miles and a qualifier for Race Across America (RAAM), but I didn't qualify. I didn't even finish.
I'd ridden from the ocean up to 5,200 feet, down a valley, back up, around the Salton Sea, through 100 degree heats, fought head winds through the day and night. By sunrise I'd ridden back around to the base of those same mountains and crossed over again. It was smooth sailing from there, all down hill... but then it wasn't.
Time was short, I was hurting, there was still plenty of work left, and I was tired - so I stopped.
I'd ONLY (I mean, I'm not totally embarrassed) ridden my bike 343 miles in 28hrs.
Things actually went pretty well through the race. Besides poor preparation, which lead to disorganization and late nights leading into it, this was a mentally motivated DNF.
It all started about 150 miles in. I really started thinking about where I was in life and was feeling pretty foolish for not having any direction. Racing and forming even bigger adventures and challenges in my head isn't the only thing I want to pursue with vigor.
This made me feel pretty foolish.
At that point I was still in the race, I didn't give up but I had decided that RAAM couldn't be the focus of my life for the next few months...plus I was far from ready.
So, as the morning light returned after a long night of falling asleep on my bike, discomfort, and just continuing forward on very little enthusiasm... I was running out of will...running low on purpose.
I made it back over the mountains. I'm proud of my team and of our effort. Still, I am regretful that I stopped.
From the top of the last mountain, it is about 60 miles back down to the coast, but there still remains 5-7,000ft. gain. Not quite a free ride. After the first big descent, I was hurting and hardly even able to safely navigate.
Down on the flats I was only able to pull 10mph and, as I saw my team van climbing a hill ahead, I just pulled off the road. I needed to stop. I immediately fell asleep.
After being woken up by the film crew van, I decided to ride up to my crew to discuss just bowing out. I think I said it hurts all over, I just don't see the point and I don't need to prove that I can do this to anybody.
With little conviction I said, "30 more minutes" and I'll reassess, but my crew member said something (it might have been "yeah - keep going") and I said, "yeah - I'm stopping."
To be honest, I should have proven it to myself. I need to show myself what I can do. It isn't enough to just FEEL capable of anything.
I'm still not sure what to make of it all. It was a very tired Andre making that decision. It's unnerving to know that THAT Andre is lurking. He may be the devil or he may be a lesson giving angel.
To some degree, because of this I'm working on a few things that I am excited about, a new direction.
RAAM is still on my agenda book. I've got a qualifier picked out in September, or October, or November. That seems to be the only direction I've got at the moment.
Still searching... still a struggle but I know that I just gotta keep pushing and it will be worth it- both for the experience and for where it takes me.
Thanks for great photos Bryan Myss
-AjK (04/02/2015-08/17/2015)
I'm not sad about losing my legs anymore. That ended about 10 months after the accident. I'll explain it in another post, but the undramatic story is, I defeated thems demons and moved on. One thing that has stuck with me though, is the realization that I can't do a lot of the things I used to do. So much was taken for granted. The thing is, this is reality for everybody...if you didn't lose your legs yet, you will one day. We all will eventually not be able to do what we can do right now. Old age, death, illness, or even just commitments and priorities, will make this the only time to appreciate things while doing them. There's a reason I'm making this list, and it's not to make people with legs feel like they should use theirs, because I haven't got any. When I pass by the forest sometimes, I get this desire to just grab a backpack and disappear into them for a week or so. Given my limitations onthe mobility fornt, it's not very feasible. Yet, that urge, that desire, is what feeds this urgency to explore everything I can do. It's a big part of the reason I do these endurances races and why I'm pushing for more and more. It's a big beautiful world and I don't want to just wish I'd seen it. There is always something you CAN do. Infinite things, actually. Go find them instead of feeling upset about the relatively few things you can't do, or worrying about things you can't do anything about. In this spirit of finding what things I desire, a list of what I'd do if I got my legs back. Here's a few things I'd do tomorrow: I wake up and realize I have 2 legs again. I've got a new hip, two new knees, ankles, feet, and ten toes again.
1) I look at them for a long time, moving them about. I'm fascinated by how they work, that they are mine. No mechanical system comes even close to replicating this functionality. Prosthetics, by comparison, SUCK - they do not even compare. Trust me I use them - don't believe the hype.
2) The thought that my feet look ugly, or my ankles = kankly, or my stance bowlegged, doesn't enter anywhere into my mind. I could give a shit if these legs are the ugliest two on the planet because I know the importance of them just existing.
3) I sprint towards a body of water and jump in. It don't matter how cold it is; I'd run back out and do some kinda jitterbug slash pee pee dance to warm up. There's something about running down a beach and into the water that I could do over and over and over again. It's great.
4) Dance. I didn't ever dance much, certainly not sober or in public, but I would freakin' dance my brains out.
5) Go buy socks...the coziest socks ever made. Probably wool and colorful, come up to my thighs - I don't care. They would go on my feet but not right away. First, I'd go find a lawn or big field. Something natural but soft. After walking around and enjoying that feeling again, I'd clean my feet off and then enjoy those socks =)
I could go on and on but I'm feeling pretty good, some smiling goin' on.
Maybe I'll make this list again for things I'd do in the first week/month/year.
Enjoy Today!
-AjK, 11th March 2015
I've almost killed myself, twice. Almost killed myself as in hospital bed, "He might not make it", family by my side, the entire production. For nothing other than luck and heroic medical professionals am I still here today.
Both were unintentional, but both my own doing.
The first time I was in University and it was because I drank too much. Not because I was drunk which then caused a part B, but because I literally almost drank myself to death.
It wasn't even an atypical night, at least not until the end. We started watching football and I had a couple bottles of "wine", the cheap gas station variety. Then, after going to different parties and drinking for the next however-many hours, I ended up at another house where I don't recall a whole lot. What did happen was that somebody handed me a half-gallon of vodka and, with or without encouragement, I chugged everything that was left.
Probably not long after, I passed out and would have certainly died if it wasn't for an accident of extreme luck. Two friends where deliverying my limp body home, which was nearby. If they had made it there, I would have been placed in my bed to never wake up again. But in the spirit of the night, on the way down the fire escape stairs, they dropped me. The person carrying me by my arms was horrified as I slipped through their hands and my head smacked metal, splitting open.
An ambulance was summoned and I was taken to the hospital where they soon realized this wasn't just a head trauma but alchohol poisoning, so they pumped my stomach and got an IV flowing fluids back in. My stability was uncertain so they called and my mother came in, a 5 hour drive away.
I lived.
What I didn't do was learn.
That night, the highest reading of my blood alchohol content was 0.465%
People have died from less. That same week, at another University, a guy my age died from a lower BAC. I would have been done at 18 years old. It was just luck.
The next party I went to, I got drunk.
When I was 23 it was much, much worse. The story isn't all that different, alchohol, destruction, nearly died, but this time with massive injuries and a long horrible trip for my parents: 15 hours flying halfway around the world this time.
I won't go into the entire story now, but the price I paid was big. I use prosthetics and a wheelchair because of it. There's still no way I should be alive. More shocking than that, though, it was another 9 years before I stopped drinking.
If you're involved in substance abuse, then I don't have good advice for you. All I can really say from my experience is that, if you think you can manage it, you are wrong. It isn't going to stop being a problem, it isn't going to get better and it isn't because you are a bad person. It is just a crazy beast. For it to stop, , but to get whatever help it will take. I had probably the lightest form of it, I simply drank as much as I could get my hands on after a certain point. Otherwise, I had no dependency. Look what it still managed to do to me, and look how long it took me to figure it out.
Why are we so good at destruction? There are big dumb ways we go about it, that any outsider could see. That's not all though, we do a lot of little things, daily things that are destructive. They don't bring us joy, they bring us unhappiness.
From eating unhealthy, to not working out. From half-assing it at work to hours playing _____ (enter the mobile phone game of the season here). From clicking the next link, the next video, the next app... well, I will make my own list. These things make us miserable. Not so much because of the activities themselves, but because we are doing them instead of doing something better, something productive.
This isn't how I work though. I just take the easy way out, cave to my instant desire, do what everybody else is doing, mentally turn off, take the passive entertainment over the engaging and active kind, and then I feel like a total failure because I gave in or because I didn't make things happen for myself.
I've made some good progress. Caffeine is the only substance I'm currently abusing, working on that a bit. There are things that I'm currently working on that have me popping out of bed before my alarm (no matter how early I set it), and I'm addressing things by thinking about them, writing about them, and simply working on them.
In no way am I aiming for perfection. That would be a fools pursuit... and probably a boring result. I'm just interested in getting better, in finding more joy.
Well, here is to making things better for both for ourselves and others. Enjoy today.
-AjK, 21 February 2015
andre@willgodo.com
One day I'll be no more. I don't believe there is anything more to it than that, I just don't. The people close to me will know of me and maybe a few consequences of my life will linger, even if indirect, insignificant. But that too, and any sign of it will one day be no more.
My children and theirs, a big long chain of humankind will go on as long as we can. Even if it happened to be a billion years or as long as it takes for the last sun to burn through, they will only go so far.
So what is the point, if it all goes black? Who should care if there is actually nothing to care about?
We do get some things. We get to create the meaning, if there is no creator. We get to make use of our moments, even if they disappear. Most importantly, we get to answer our own questions about this finite existence, making it a simple choice- do we care? In the end, when the panic and confusion falls down, we get to decide how we respond.
We are strong, proud, and beautiful minds that want to make it matter. We want to make it count, whatever the situation. Amongst our choices we find the only fearless option, the two-fingered salute, as we spit in the face of our end. We will make the most of this life, the most of our world. We have this time and then, with a perfect lack of evidence, it will seem to have never happened. Yet, this will have happened, we will have been. That is the fight. We don't consider what wins, we act in the truest defiance - a rage against futility - because we still get to choose.
That is Free Will.
(alt ending: 'I choose to live.' Still toying with this ;)
-AjK, 2nd December 2014 andre@willgodo.com
Last March I was going to run from LA to Boston. There's two pretty well known marathons in those cities and an idea Charlie Engle and I hatched, was to run them both, including all the ground between. The idea was to break the running and wheelchair records by going 3,100 miles in just 44 days, which is what it would take to make the start in Boston. We road some blog posts on Runner's World.
If you go to those posts, you'll see it starts with a post from each of us explaining that it wasn't going to happen. It was devastating and no fun at all.
Right now is a good time to review the mistakes, that I feel we made, so they don't screw up my current plans - to be the first Handcycle to solo RAAM. I'll be leaving from Oceanside, CA and traveling 3,000 miles by bike in 12 days. In reaching Annapolis, MD by then, I'll do 700 more miles than an average Tour de France in half the time. SO, it is going to be a special race, and even more so because my sister, Bianca Kajlich, is going to produce a documentary film based on it!
I think it's crucially important for me to revisit what wen wrong last year so 1) I don't hate myself if I repeat them 2) because I want to save myself the heartbreak of losing another opportunity, and 3) to learn. I don't want to be overly critical, we tried hard and the timeframe was very short. Still, I'm determined to make it work this time and feel this is a worthwhile exercise.
Mistakes we made:
Not asking enough people for the money. We spent a lot of time trying to figure out what to ask for, how to ask it, how to present, what our message was, what we could offer, and many other details. I think we needed all of that stuff, but not at the cost of not seeking funding which is the number one thing we needed. In the end we didn't have the funding and we didn't go.
Taking too long to figure out what we were doing. I think it would have been better to commit and adjust if necessary, rather than being indecisive and changing our minds every week. There wasn't going to be a film and then there was. We were going for sponsors and then investors and finally crowd sourcing was a last option, but there wasn't time to launch a campaign.
Being Afraid to Pick up the Phone. After some time of launching off emails, I realized that nobody is going to respond to a random email, if they even look at it. I figured that the best thing to do was just call. It is very hard to get up the nerve to call and the first few lines are the worst. However, if you are passionate about something, you need to try to communicate this to them. Even after a few good calls with people in companies as big as Volkswagen, I didn't just have a change in mindset that would have enabled me to make hundreds of phone calls. I should have been doing it every day. Chances are it would have led to something.
It was 4:36am ten minutes ago when I checked my phone in the living room. It's becoming a habit to beat my alarm, which is here instead of the bedroom because that solved my "snooze" problem. This is all a big deal to me - because I'm weaker than you think. Well, I don't really know what you think - or that you've thought of me at all. About a year ago, I was chatting with some people from an audience I had just addressed at a business association, when I realized that they all seemed to think I was this A-type personality that just gets stuff done (I'm referring to my Train Accidents, Speaking, and Ultra Endurance Racing). It is nowhere near the truth.
I didn't lie to them, but I was definitely holding back. I've found it has much more impact to shared the real struggle that it is for me to accomplish the things I've wanted to do. It helps because it is hard for all of us to become just that little bit better. One quick example I have, on my phone I have a task list, one of the tasks I've assigned myself is to "Write out weaknesses". That has been on there for at least 3 weeks, maybe more than 5.
Okay then, let's do this:
My Weaknesses:
- daily bouts of laziness
- procrastinate more than I don't
- of the people I know, I'm easily in the bottom 10% for being organized
- atrociously bad with money
- king of "big plans" without a good plan
- races might just be a copout as a way to at least finish something
- I leave things undone - which I hate and yet do more than most hobbies
- I always try to paint the best picture of myself
- for some reason, I'm not very thoughtful -I don't think of nice ways to show people I care
- a knack for tuning out that voice in my head - mental discipline is often something I avoid
- distracted with great ease - and I like it
So, this is really not fun to share, even though spam bots outnumber my readers. Hopefully, I have some time to become better before this finds its way to you.
There's been some good, I don't want to be pointlessly hard on myself. Yet, I think it's fair to say that I could be doing a lot better in life. Due to that list right there, and it could quite easily be extended, I almost killed myself twice with alcohol. Once at 18 and once when I was 23. It's not just that I skirted death, I should have died -people are gone because of less. The second time I didn't get off all that easy, I lost both of my legs as well. Skipping over the accidents and details, for now, I didn't learn my lessons, or even about alcohol with either of these. That took 9 more years and it was largely because it was either the wife or "the drink", as they say.
All along, I wanted to do better. There was a sense of what I was capable of and plenty that I dreamed to achieve. There was no sudden change though.
The truth is, I don't want to look bad here - nor am I trying to look good (that should be evident). I'm writing this because it's true and because, in my life, momentum is building towards what I want and I have to get there. My gut is saying this is the best thing I can do to keep it going.
There are always reasons to be optimistic. For starters, I finally wrote that damn weakness list. AND, that list right there has 11 items and I was just going to write 10. Not the most exciting achievement but I did it which lead to this post. I am trying to do just a little bit more - every single time.
A lot of things have come together. My racing has really helped me improve in many areas. Training brings outs the best in me. You experience the drive when you're out there and it makes me want to do more. I have to do things like schedule my day just to fit it in. Along the way people, books, and podcasts (more recently) have helped me. I really want to improve and I still have the chance to do everything I set out for. This is motivating and helps me see inspiration all over. I've sprinkled some of the things that help in past posts and will continue.
Yeah, it is getting better. There is still so much to work on though -that list is real, I wrote it an hour ago.
So, this is my call to keep fighting. If you can relate to any of this, I'd say discuss these things with yourself, your blog, your family, neighbor, cat (last resort), social network of choice (might be behind the cat option). Wherever and to whomever you can bring yourself to discuss this with, speak about your dreams and the struggle to get there. The more personal you make this, the better it is going to feel. I'm totally guessing bc I literally slept through the only Psychology class I've ever taken (AND I missed the final, which is a fun/pathetic college story), but I am typing this right now and it feels really good.
If you can't think of anyone better to share it with, email me: andre@willgodo.com
Good luck to us both =)
AjK - 1oth February 2015th
WoW! I was not even planning on doing this race, at least not this year. Ultraman Canada ended up being a lot more than I thought it would be. As an event, as a proving ground, as a bonding experience, it exceeded all of my expectations.
I didn't really have this race on my radar, except as a "one day I'd like to", until my plans to Run2Boston with Charlie Engle got postponed (as explained in Runner's World). I needed something on my schedule that was big and new, and this fit the bill.
As I was preparing, some local triathletes that had done the race kept telling me, "Steve Brown [the Race Director] puts on the best event I've ever been to." I didn't really know what they meant by that, but it sounded good (and it really was several people).
I was faster than I thought (and more daunted by the challenges leading up to it, ie - a 10k swim, making the 12hour cutoff for the 173 mile bike) and my bike time straight blew me away. The exact line I'd been using was "Day 2 is going to be tough, it will take me more than 11 hours and I hope less than 12". I finished just a few ticks under 9hr30 (09:29:51). It was one of those days that just felt good and more importantly, opened up a new awareness, to something I have and I'm hopeful that I can tap into that again and again and again.
Outside of the performance, which is really not what draws me to these events, the connections with people were unforgettable. Steve fosters this family feel that truly makes you feel like every other athlete, every crew member, the entire circle of staff and ultra Ohana - is much more than just new friends. It is incredible.
Lastly, my crew was the best. It couldn't have been better from my perspective. I'll only single out my mom, purely to leave the others off my public website. I couldn't really understand why I ended up with my mom as a crew member. It is a bit of a risk, let's say ;) It was the best choice I could have made. She was massively helpful and I'm so glad to have this memory of us together - forever. Thanks Ma! 29th August 2014
Imagine you’re in the audience of a powerful speaker. You hear:“You all ready to make some motivation? How bad do you want it!? As bad as you want to breathe!???”
Have you heard something like that before? Did it work? Did it last?
Motivation doesn’t come in one giant wave that we can ride endlessly to our goals.
In reality, motivation is a far more fickle beast. It varies in strength. It can come and go. To have any impact on our own motivation we need to see it as a process, something to work at daily. As great as it feels to get all fired-up, we need to ensure the desire will be continuous.
Most of us don’t think about how to create, rejuvenate or hold onto our motivation. My personal experiences, ups and downs, including life altering trauma and some extreme physical and mental endurance races, have required sustained focus and effort. I want to share the following tools that I've made a part of my daily life. They help me get to each next level and they ultimately make me both happier and more driven.
Seek and Build - Because it doesn't spontaneously generate itself, here are a couple of simple ways to create thoughts that increase motivation, every single day:
Just Ask - “Am I motivated?” Initialize an internal dialogue. It can be about your work day, about a project, your overall determination in life, or any specific goal you have. I strengthen my resolve because I set out to do just that. It will stay present in your thoughts, helping you recognize more ideas and opportunities that get you motivated.
Grab Some Inspiration - We’re exposed to endless amounts of inspiration these days, but are you actually using any of it? If I don't capture it somehow, my attention moves right on to the next thing. I will scratch notes here and there if I can, or at least allow some time to reflect before moving on to the next thing. What works better is when I come up with at least one thing I will do, on the spot, and then add it to my tasks list or calendar with a deadline.
Try New Things - There must be new sources of inspiration in our daily routine. Try doing something more demanding, try a sport you’ve never considered, seek out better books and content, just mix it up somehow. Taking cues from different walks of life, unrelated industries, or other fields of study will change your perspective and that is what inspiration is all about.
Retain It - Many things can zap our motivation. These will help you preserve it.
Planning - Accuracy in your planning will help. Motivation is an emotion. The better you mentally prepare for the task ahead, the more able you are to handle it. Consider finding out as you are about to leave, at 5pm, that you have to work late. Compare this to showing up to work that day ready to work late into the night. It's much like preparing for a long run or your maximum bench press. Clearly lay out the path to the goal ahead as well as your willingness to do what it takes.
Finishing - No matter how small the task, finish what you start. At least make a deliberate choice to change course or end the pursuit, rather than leave things undone. We are much more motivated to do things that have meaning. If our efforts don’t amount to anything, it will be difficult to convince ourselves to work hard for what's next.
Sleeping - This one is obvious but constantly overlooked. It’s importance ranges from refreshing us and cleansing our brain of toxins, to boosting performance and overall health. Sleep will help fight off one of the biggest threats to our motivation- being tired. A common thought during a late night is, "I’ll just have to battle through tomorrow." It isn’t always simple to get the sleep you need, but the higher a priority you make it, the easier it becomes.
Remember, building and maintaining motivation is an ongoing process. Motivation is made by seeking daily doses, building new sources, and retaining what you’ve got. By simply putting in a small amount of effort each day, even the biggest challenges become a whole lot easier.
Btw - Eric Thomas is awesome - it's just that it ultimately needs to come from within.
My next race is official, not because I've qualified but because I've broken the news to my wife. =)
That is the same as seeking approval, I more or less go it. Still, there is a TON to figure out: crew, planning, training, moneys to find, and also a little 400 mile, 32 hour race in order to qualify, the SoCal 400. At least, I know what's next in my sights - it's a little ditty called RAAM (Race Across America)
It'sa gonna be hard.
A 3,000 mile cycling race from Oceanside, CA to Annapolis, MD. We will ride about 700 miles further than an average Tour de France, in half the time. Only two teams of handcyclists have completed RAAM before and they were complete stud cyclists. In 2009, Carlos Moleda and his 4-man team made in and last year, Thomas Fruworth and Manfred Putz (of Austria and Germany) took it to the next level. In each case the teams worked in a relay format, spending 4-8 hours riding and then rotating to catch an equivalent amount of rest. This will very much be the next level = no breaks. By the stroke of the 12th day, I'll need to be across the finish line to become the first solo handcyclist RAAM finisher. I have no clue what's going to happen.
Therein lies my desire to do this. I'm turned-on by the fear in the sense that the "alive switch" on me gets flipped to "ON" and I'm all go. There's so much to figure out and I love solving problems. I also love the unknown because there's a massive internal buzz of worry, nerves, excitement, and hope that gets churning in the lead up. I can feel it already. It is good.
-AjK, 2nd February 2015
The event completely blew me away. Amazing people, amazing athletes, just about the most fun you can have while swimming, biking, and running over 320miles =)
Can't wait for what's next.
less than 10 days to see if I can finish this thing! Apparently you can livestream the race...so click this link on Aug 2nd and watch for 3 days: http://ultramancanada.com/
Working on this piece with Charlie Engle was hugely rewarding. It was a process. He's a very good interviewer and I think this article blows away the 'same ol same ol'. The photoshoot with Jose Mandojana was also a lot of fun and more from that can be found here: http://blog.josemandojana.com/?p=1292
The print article is way better (imo) - but the online version is here: http://www.runnersworld.com/runners-stories/losing-his-legs-made-him-stronger-than-ever?page=single
...and lastly. All I am willing to claim is that I am tougher than I used to be. Still, it's a pretty cool headline ;)
Great opportunity to chat with Bob Babbitt on Competitor Radio Gotta love him for covering endurance sports! It's an awesome archive of great interviews - I listen to them all. It is very cool to be on the list - between Dave Scott and Freddie Rodriguez no less! Listen to Andre Kajlich interview = HERE =
live tracking Late tonight, I'm taking a redeye to Miami before the even longer flight down to São Paulo. There will be plenty of time to sit and think, which is exactly what I need to prepare for 135 miles in the mountains of Brazil (that and sleep) I don't feel ready, although I don't know how you feel ready for this, unless you've got Shackletononian experience (amazing new word - you read it here first ;)
We've got 48hours to complete the course that winds throughout the hills and mountains along part of the Caminho da Fé, a pilgrimage route in the Mantiqueiras. There's over 30,000ft of climbing and that is scary. I have no clue (!) what that looks like. Over the past few months I've been seeking out hilly, off-road training rides and I have yet to come close to a ride that averages anything like this Ultra Marathon's terrain.
However, it is scary in a good way. This is a challenge and for all the grandiosity associated with such epic events, it is for sport. I'm going for the experience, to see what I've got, to see Brazil, to meet Mario Lacerda (the race director who's agreed to have me =), and to live a little!
You can track the race on this live map - I will be some sort of blip with bib # 1009 Race start is on the 18th-20th of January and starts at 7am (South American East Coast Standard Time, is what they call it - maybe)
http://www.ftrx.com.br/corredores/index.php
Molly Shen from KOMO news did a story about my visit to veteran friend Dan Berschinski and other wounded soldiers at Walter Reed - it was an amazing experience and an eye opener. We are awfully isolated over here, especially tucked way up in the Pacific NW - much of that is a blessing and much of that is thanks to many generations of veterans and active duty service members. I was thrilled to be able to help in any little way and believe we all can and should do more.
Welcome to the 1st Annual AJK Classic to be held on the 25th August 2012 We are very excited to announce a great day filled with Golf, Friends, Food, Drinks and an Auction to benefit a wonderful Foundation, the Challenged Athletes Foundation.
This is a Foundation that I am extremely passionate about and greatly respects what they set out to accomplish.
I am where I am today because of all the support I've received and now, with your help, I’d like to “give back” and "play it forward."
To register or contact us regarding Sponsorship Packages please follow the link: AJK Classic To Donate please follow the link: Donate to the AJK Classic A word about the CAF:
The Challenged Athletes Foundation (CAF) was founded in 1997 by a group of triathletes who were attempting to raise money to buy racing equipment for their friend, Jim MacLaren, who was one of the best amputee triathletes before he was tragically struck by a car while competing in a triathlon and paralyzed. Since that time, CAF has grown into the preeminent resource for support and equipment for para-athletes across the United States and beyond. In addition to fundraising through charity events like the AJK classic, CAF also raises money and awareness through events that encourage participation, including their San Francisco to San Diego bike ride or the San Diego Triathlon Challenge.
Like thousands of other athletes, CAF has greatly impacted my life and made it possible for me to compete in triathlons around the world. In 2011, I qualified for Nationals and the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. I had only recently started racing in triathlons and at the time, I was using an older handcycle that did not meet the required regulations. Without a new handcycle, I was told I would not be able to compete in the World Championships. While I was ecstatic to have qualified for the World Championships so early in my racing career, I was devastated by the possibility that the cost of regulation equipment would prevent me from participating in the race. Through its grant program, however, CAF stepped in and purchased a regulation handcycle for me - allowing me to compete at Kona and finish 2nd in my division. Today, I continue to race with the handcycle given to me by the CAF.
There are countless other stories like mine, where CAF has provided support and equipment and given competitors like me the opportunity to compete. This is what makes CAF such a special organization
I support the CAF and hope that you will help me raise money so that they can continue to step in and give athletes the chance to compete and reach their goals
Thank you,
Andre Kajlich
Met with Aimee Berg after the New York City Triathlon, we had a nice talk (okay, I jabbered about my self for 2 hours) and she wrote the following story. Thanks Aimee!TeamUSA.org
A funny thing happened on my way home from Youth Camp this year...and NO ONE LAUGHED! I had made my way quite successfully through a week of dancing, climbing, soccer,and gaga (obviously I am horrible at all of them - save for my domination in gaga ball=). I survived all sorts of fun and demanding activities in Ohio only to go down in glory in front of a huge audience of fellow travelers back at SeaTac airport. My backpack was huge and heavy and I was toting my racing chair along - an Ironman-wannabe can't travel without SOME gear.
So, I had just walked in front of all these people to pick my spot while waiting for the underground train. My right toe just grazed the ground and everything was CHRYSTAL CLEAR and in Sl-o-wwW mowwW-t-i-onnn.
This boy was goin' down!
No biggie really, it's a pretty common occurrence for someone without biological knees or feet and only one of them hip thingers. With all the gear though, it was going to be messy - I went down in about 5 different acts...each one more awkward and outstanding than the last. The entire way down I was just thinking about the people's reactions - it's always about the same: 'Oh Dear!' can usually be heard somewhere from one of the more fragile bystanders, then there's some running over and offers of assistance mixed in with 'are you alright' types of really normal things that are completely fine, understandable, and appreciated.
Okay fine, but as I lay nose (honestly) pressed to the hard, shiny floor that had just amplified the fall with the mess of metal legs clanging against it on their way to the ground, I was listening to a man's dress shoes clicking quickly over and I thought:
"Damn - I wish I was back at camp!"
Instead of popping right back up, I just lay there reflecting (and sort of hiding). Just minutes after saying goodbye to the last camper that I traveled home with, I already missed having the company of a fellow amputee to laugh about this with.
I WAS FINE! IT WAS FUNNY!!!
Here, among all these darn normal people, the only thing I could do was get embarrassed.
Within this tale of clumsiness lies the beauty of camp. It is full of kids (and counselors) that can relate. You just don't get that the other 51 weeks of the year and it feels really good to know, somewhere out there, are a bunch of people going through the exact same things as you.
I definitely draw strength from that and I believe the kids do too.
Thank you so much for your support of the Paddy Rossbach Youth Camp. It is every bit WORTHY of your donations and I hope that you will keep supporting it. The second I feel otherwise - I will be honest about it and find another way. We would like to grow this camp. EVERY year, more kids lose a limb to a lawnmower accident alone (over 500!), than are currently able to come to camp.
There is plenty of need and camp fulfills a vital role in kids' well being. We are all grateful for it and for your help.
See you next year CAMPERS!
-AjK
Yes, it's a lame title - but I'm not worried. It feels good to set out towards a goal, work through the ups and downs, and pull it off. I am excited exactly because - I did it. I made up my mind back in September to do this race and never did I expect it to go this well. The physical and mental training routine was: work at it, focus, get better, get stronger, be lazy, slack off, regroup, recommit, and repeat. There has been a lot of small failures along the road, I didn't just setup a training schedule, stick to it and go win a race. Life just isn't that easy and it's hardly ever simple. I messed up the whole way through the process, BUT I addressed the issues - some of them on this blog. I was honest with myself about my desires and how much I was doing to achieve them. This time around, I am most proud because I pushed through the setbacks and flaws. I am learning to accept that there are certain things I won't ever get right and some that, if unfixed will cost me my goals.
The only thing that would've made this last week better, is if I could have shared it with my old man. As it all went down, I'm happy and fortunate that my wife, my mother and both my sisters were with me to experience a half Ironman and all the anxiety, adrenaline, fatigue and emotion that makeup an event. Buffalo Springs Lake 70.3 was my first Ironman experience. In my mind, it was epic.
It was hot (high of day = 112) it was windy (20-28mph all race long) and it was long (the bike course was only 56 miles but it felt like 56 after the first 40). I spent most of the race in 2nd place, worried that 1st place was leaving me behind and fearing the moment I would see 3rd place slide into my field of vision and pass me. Well, neither happened and I caught up with 1st place on a steep hill during the run, in our racing wheelchairs. After taking over, there was another big downhill followed by a climb. The temperature was really started to bake and I just wanted it to be over. The next sight made it clear there was plenty more work. There's an intersection after the climb and you make a right. It is flat but straight into the wind. You can see far and all you see is runners on the left and right of the road, most of them walking, all of them spent. It was a grueling trip past a couple aid stations to the turnaround. Once I made that - I was home. It was downwind, I got to see my lead as I passed #2 and I knew I had it. Such a good feeling - about as good as 5hrs of sweat can feel, I suppose. Well, I made it the final miles and startled my family at the finish line. They were expecting to see the other guy first, then start looking for me. Suckers.
Without going on for several paragraphs to explain, my handcycle didn't conform to the rules. At the awards ceremony, it was explained that although my equipment wasn't why I'd won, I would not be on the podium because of the regulations. So, I was extremely excited when, Marc Aten and Jason Fowler acknowledged what I had done by declining the 2nd qualifying spot to the World Ironman Championships in Kona. Which means - the stage is set for the next goal and we're going to Hawaii!
-Andre
andre_duckbillthrill2011
Well, I'm not entirely sure, why I tri - but it might be a good time to explain it to myself. It's a huge drain of time and energy. It's really a battle with yourself and those are not smart to wage without a good reason.
In the time following my accident, a lot of encouragement came by way of suggestions for physical things I should do. Back then I really wasn't that interested in most options. A racing wheelchair, for example, was not something I looked at as a fun challenge. Other things like golf, were tainted by difficulties and my mother's advice to just strap myself to the side of a golf cart. My main focus was to get mobile, regain independence, and carry on with life. I don't think, or expect, anybody (save for a few of my peers) to have any idea just how hard it is for me to walk. It has taken a while to crave other physical challenges.
I bet if Prague, CZ had a more active craigslist community, I would have started training earlier. It wasn't until I returned to the States a couple years ago that I found a piece of equipment cheap enough to buy. It was a racing chair. Thanks to my generous sister (as opposed to the selfish one...wawink) now I have a handcycle and just finished my first solo tri, an olympic distance two weekends ago.
Last September I completed a half-ironman with a teammate who did the cycling leg.
On the morning of the race, I stood there looking at the swim course off La Jolla cove, in the Pacific Ocean. I was pretty sure that I could handle the 1.2 mile loop - but I was far from positive. Looking way out at the big yellow pyramids, I could only think, "that is far". I did it in less time than I was hoping (39 minutes) and it was intense - no disappointments.
I shake my head just thinking about a full Ironman. For those of you who don't know, that's a 2.4mi swim, 112mi bike, topped of with a full marathon - 26.2 miles.
Triathlons, especially long ones are daunting. That's what I like about them. They have bragging rights, they have obstacles. They demand toughness, discipline, and so many other things that make you fight. That feels good. It is an outlet and an exercise, and not just a physical one.
So Kenny Powers isn't trying to be the best at exercise.
That's funny and I get it, triathlon is a lot different than other sports. For one it is no spectator sport. It is definitely a participant sport and the spectators are mainly there to provide support (Thanks Mj!) The internal war of a competition and training is awesome - the insight into self and struggle makes it a satisfyingly hellish experience. I've got a long ways to go and very little to base this all on - but it's growing into something and each achievement so far has propelled me to the next one.
In addition, you get to travel! In 4 weeks, I'm off to Texas with the whole family for a half-Ironman. While Lubbock, TX might not be everybody's ideal destination - there are events in just about every beautiful and interesting place around the globe. If not just yet - there will be soon. How does Nice, FR sound? Or Mallorca, Costa Rica, Sardinia, Croatia, or the Vineman triathlon in Sonoma County. If I do well enough in Texas I qualify for the World Championships in Hawaii and, well, this is how I convince my wife that she may benefit from all this nonsense.
So yeah - I think I've convinced myself to continue the grind. Thank heavens for afternoon coffees, Pandora, the joy of going fast, and my only sponsor (so far...and it is a great one) Platinum Performance!
-AjK
***Please help us make Bianca's Birthday Wish come true. Donate to Youth Camp!
When I go to a swimming pool, I am that different guy. Sitting on the ground after popping off my legs and hopping along on my arms, I cannot help but be self-conscious. I clearly remember the first day, after nearly 3 months (aka- eternity) in the hospital, out and about in my car with hand controls. Straight to the hardware store I went, out to do whatever with my regained independence. There was a moment when I wheeled into the large establishment that it hit me, how I must look. A legless dude, sitting in a wheelchair trying to get along as normally as possible, yet looking can't-help-but-notice peculiar. There was a real sense of pride when I realized it simply didn't bother me enough to keep me from going and doing whatever I needed or wanted to do. There's been a lot of those moments in my life. It feels good and right - to push out concerns of other's perceptions or my own discomfort with who I am. This has absolutely allowed me to enjoy life more.
That's why, when my sister Bianca suggested to me, "Let's volunteer at the Amputee Youth Camp", I was in. Not only did it mean so much to me that she wanted to be involved, but it made perfect sense to me - being an amputee (while escaping this added complication while traversing adolescence) I could understand how much this opportunity could mean to the kids.
Last summer we went to Camp Joy and took part in an absolutely amazing experience that has us both totally committed to this cause and eager to not only go back to camp but to try our best to make sure that all kids with limb loss or limb difference can attend. I wish you all could experience it but I'll just take a shot at providing a glimpse:
Think of me, an adult trying to get a workout at a local pool and worrying about self image and the logistics of it all, coping pretty well but having a good deal of life experience to aide in that effort. Now imagine a 10 year old, at the pool, surrounded by 100 other swimmers that all live their daily lives confronting similar issues in mobility, inhibition, and a whole host of other small and large issues that other people simply aren't aware of. That's one example of what camp offers.
My hope is that every single child who has lost a limb to trauma, disease, or was born with a limb difference, gets to come to this camp to learn, try new things, and share experiences with those who understand. Camp and all travel expenses for the kids are paid for by the Amputee Coalition. The facilities are excellent. I've been to summer camps as a kid and this still felt like camp. While being accessible to every camper, nothing is too easy. Getting around camp takes effort and creativity. The Camp provides an atmosphere for positive growth and gives the children (and volunteers) an amazing outlook for their daily lives. It is truly inspirational; it made me want to live better and do more.
My sister's Birthday is Saturday. She has made it her wish this year to raise $34,000 to help get kids to camp. Please give a little, it will go directly to camp and it will do a lot!
Bianca's Birthday Wish
I suppose sitting here on the side of the road, waiting for my wife to come pick me up, can be shown as yet another example of can do versus will do. I definitely set out on this handcycle ride with the can do attitude. That wasn't enough and after 33 miles - I just couldn't go any farther. Let me see,
Can do:
Ride east, go far, turn around at some point and ride home. Pretending it was race day, I set my fastest pace yet and was pretty excited to have crossed the 30 mile mark in record time. However, I did this even though I stayed up late and drank some amount - let's leave it at some - of wine the night before. I didn't bring enough fluids with me and I had no source of sustaining calories.
I think the can do attitude gets you only so far...and right now that's 10 miles short of home.
Will do:
Plan, prepare, execute. When I say that I'll do something I not only have to believe that I can do it but I have to include what I need to do for it to get a real shot.
What is this going to take?
How much am I going to need to give?
Setting goals, dreaming up fantastic endeavours, it all counts for crap if you don't also figure out a way to make it happen - day in, day out.
There is more to determination than wanting it.
My goal is to go down to Texas and earn a spot in Kona. I've tried to play it off as unlikely and that this is simply a fun event that I want to enjoy and complete.
Yet, that is not what I TRULY feel and I must be attuned to my desires...otherwise, there will be a time, as there has been in the past - when all I can say is:
"I could have".
The size of that goal comes with even larger demands. Training isn't just sweating a couple times a day, eating right, and planning for the physical task ahead. More is required, yet it's easier for me to go out for a ride than it is to get all my stuff prepared for the next day, after a ride.
Diligence pays those dues.
As Rudy Garcia-Tolson advised me recently:
"train hard - stay focused."
If that's your juice man....then we should all drink up!
-Ajk
Ahhh, the joys of free time. I was handed this gift by my former employer recently. It wasn't really intended as a gift, but everything is what you make of it. For me, it has meant a lot of training and some spiffing up of the old blog.
When I met an unemployed buddy of mine over Christmas I begged him to "please, enjoy your time off and don't spend your days worrying about not having a job." That was a mistake I made back when I was looking for a paycheck. I didn't spend that time so well and I didn't find that great of a job either...
Anyone hear of that guy who got laid off from Boeing and his big plan was to break the Donkey Kong record, set back in 1982? Well, he did it and it seems that made him happy. I didn't make it through the entire documentary but it's still pretty interesting.
The point is that goals, momentum, and positive attitude always have and always will do a lot more for me than focusing on things I can't control.
As to the narcissistic photo up there - all I want to say is that growing up I just could not make muscles. Based on my experience, I encourage you to go buy a cane, a wheelchair, and a handcycle. Maybe you should also start swimming with your legs Indian style (Turkish style for the Euros). I promise you won't need to lift weights again...I never do.
Always remember, there is never a shortage of possibilities.
-AjK
Got down to San Diego early Friday morning, rented a car, drove to La Jolla, had a practice swim in the cove, ate sushi, slept, worried, waited...and then swam 1.9km and ran (wheelchaired) 21km.
It was beautiful, fulfilling, and inspiring - you can do it too! Just sign up - this is an event worth bringing friends, family, or your own team to!
It is for fun and for an incredible cause!
Sign up now for next year - it is a great way to Force yourself to workout (so, don't wait until the last minute to sign up like I did =)
event-sdtc-logo
Challenged Athletes Foundation
One of WillGoDo's missions is to help people do whatever it is that they want to do and to accomplish their goals. I am not an exception and there are many things I need to get myself to do. In this spirit I will be participating in the Challenged Athletes Foundation's San Diego Triathlon Challenge. With seven weeks of training I will complete 2 legs of this half Ironman (for anyone confused the fraction refers to the distance). My teammate will cycle 56 miles on a handcycle in between my 1.2 mile swim and 13.1 mile runroll (my term for the racing wheelchair "run" portion). It will not be easy to complete, even with a good rest inbetween legs but with less than 5 weeks remaining I am positive that I will do it.
I have set the goal of completing this and following up with a solo half ironman in the spring with a full 140.6 mile ironman to follow - hopefully within a year of this post. It will take a lot of grinding and a lot of support.
Anybody interested in sponsoring any portion of this effort can contact me, I will work with you to ensure it is money well spent. If anyone out there would like to join me in San Diego,
There are so many reasons for this I could simply list them, explain them, and bore the snot out of both of us. Who cares why? This is for me, it might be for you too.
"i did everything i could do"
Ever since I said this to myself the other night, it has taken me on a bit of a ride. A short ride, admittedly, but it has shown potential and even sums up many reasons for typing at the moment.
If this actually breaks the ring of family and close friends, I will be amazed. However, in case of that I will explain a few things that might otherwise lead to some confusion.
It took 4 of the 5 cars of a modernized Soviet 81-71M metro train to do it, but I lost the entirety of one leg, and everything to just above the knee of the other. The lack of 1 hip-joint, 2 knees, ankles, and a couple of feet does make it pretty difficult to get around, but after 6 years I've gotten pretty used to it and don't even remember, from time to time, that I ever got around differently.
Well, I don't often forget that I was 'normal' for 24 years (debatable) but the actual feeling has slid far away.
You'll have to trust me, it gets more interesting than that.
Not that getting over the darkside of trauma was easy, but I sure thought my life was going to be a lot different once I did. This is good and bad. I give myself a big thumbs up for a lot of things but...Boo-hisss and a big thumbs down is my playful way of saying I still live like a moron all too often, as if I was blissfully ignorant of my narrow escape from total wipeout. I can still muster up a pretty good chill if I try to figure out how I actually survived that one. Truly a lucky fool.
I don't dream about running, jumping, squishing grapes between my toes, or many other activities. Fact is, there are still infinite possibilities and I have yet to run out of things I can do. For some reason pigeage (or grape squashing to me, until just a second ago) was never on my wishlist in any case. A more accurate picture of want is to be a person who is where they want to be, or even beyond. Do you think of a goal or ambition that you could have 'easily' reached by now if you had really done what you needed to do and thought about how great living would have been? From time to time I am very pragmatic and I know that productive thinking is the way to move forward, so I am not depressed about this and I certainly am not stuck in the "what if?" game.
Thinking about all of this lead me to the end. At the end of my life, at the end of today, this minute, even this sentence, I'd want to have done something. My path is far too uncertain - variables rule our life - for me to really know what those wants will be. What I can say with near certainty is that I will have wanted to do what I could. Moments which make me most proud were not those that showcased my mental laziness, lack of effort, or even perfection for that matter. The right tracks in my life have been laid by trying new things, working my arse off, experiencing things beyond my comfort, giving a rat's patoot about self-consciousness, loving people and empathizing with others (or attempting as much), and generally thinking...keeping that internal dialogue going and being honest with myself.
And so, at any moment and on every time-frame I am trying to ask myself: "am I doing everything I can?".
It doesn't have to be literal, the answer only needs to be thoughtful. I've been thinking about it and it has made me feel better about a lot. I'm typing because of it and for the good of my friends and family out there that I don't stay in contact with. It may even be for the good of any passerby who could waste time anywhere on the web but is doing so here =) Really it's for me. I don't need feedback, readers, bashers, smashers, deadbeats, creepy crawlies, or applauders. I had completely different ideas for this website, but I had to start something - now. There's no plan, no concrete ideas of what will be showing up on these page(s) but I will be moving forward and willing, doing, going - and a bit of rambling too =)
Andre Kajlich