Gretchen Rubin: Recent Episodes
Gretchen Rubin
An earlier version of this article appeared January 21, 2020
The key takeaway:There’s no single right mix of the Four Tendencies for a team. The best balance depends on what the team is trying to accomplish, but a team that leans too heavily on one Tendency loses access to the strengths of the others. Watch for the pull toward hiring people who share your own Tendency, since they’re the ones you understand best. And remember that Obligers, the most common Tendency, tend to work well alongside every other Tendency, which makes them worth having on any team.
I am always pondering the “Four Tendencies”—my personality framework that divides people into Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. It’s endlessly fascinating. (Identify your own tendency with my free quiz.)
Understanding the Four Tendencies can be extremely valuable in the workplace, because using the framework can help deal with burn-out, procrastination, insubordination, rigidity, impulsivity, and so on. Often, conflicts arise because two people are of two different Tendencies, so they see things in different ways. Once you take the Tendencies into account, a solution becomes clear.
Recently, I posted on a question that I’m often asked: What’s the best Tendency to hire?
I’m also often asked a related question: What’s the right mix of the Four Tendencies for a team? And the answer is the same: It depends.
It depends on the task of the team, it depends on the particular mix of people on the team, it matters how each Tendency balances the others. So it’s impossible to give a formula.
But I do have several observations.
The Four Tendencies at Work: A Quick Reference
| Tendency | Strengths on a Team | What They Need | Watch For | | Upholder | Self-directed; meets deadlines and runs projects without much supervision | Clear expectations—they get uneasy when it’s not clear what’s expected | Can have trouble delegating, and can seem rigid or judgmental of others who don’t meet expectations as easily | | Questioner | Brings rigor; pushes back on anything arbitrary or unjustified | Real explanations for decisions, not “because I said so” or “that’s how we’ve always done it” | Persistent questioning can come across as obstructionist; can stall on decisions while waiting for more information | | Obliger | Goes the extra mile for the team; highly reliable with external deadlines | Outer accountability—check-ins, deadlines, a person to answer to | Can take on too much and burn out; watch for Obliger-rebellion if they’re not supported | | Rebel | Brings fresh thinking and challenges the status quo; works well when identity and mission are engaged | Freedom, choice, and minimal supervision | Resists routines and direct instructions; often works best paired with an Obliger |
How to Build a Balanced TeamIf you’re putting together a team, be aware that you might be inclined to keep choosing people of your own Tendency. As you’d expect, we “get” our own Tendency best. We understand how that Tendency thinks, how they make decisions, how they thrive, what frustrations they commonly experience. So when you come across someone who matches you, it feels right. But this concentration weakens a team, because you end up with too much of certain qualities, and not enough of others.
Think about the aim of the team, and how the different Tendencies can contribute. Depending on what the team is expected to do, you might want a bit more of one Tendency or another in the mix, to have a bit more of that particular set of strengths.
Be aware that for a team to thrive, people may need different conditions. In my book Life in Five Senses, I wrote about how people need different sound environments to concentrate. Some people focus best in silence, others with a busy hum of activity, and others might prefer music. Likewise, some team members may need a particular process or structure, while others don’t. Look for ways to give all team members what they need.
For instance, Questioners can drain and overwhelm others with their questioning, but if they’re going to get on board, they need answers to those questions. Look for ways to give them those answers that don’t exhaust everyone else. Let’s say you’re on a Zoom call making a presentation to the team about a new software package. You’ve talked for twenty minutes, most people have heard enough, but two people keep raising their hands. You could say, “If you feel like you’ve learned what you need to know about this transition, feel free to drop off. If you’d like to learn more, stay put, and I’m happy to answer any additional questions you have.”
Similarly, as an Upholder, I don’t like imposing deadlines on other people. My inclination is to say, “I don’t want to be your babysitter. Do your work in your own way, just get it done.” But that doesn’t work well with Obligers. An Obliger friend told me that when he’s interviewing for a position, he always says, “I work best with a tough, demanding boss. That’s how I give my best work. Are you a tough boss?”
My podcast cohost—and sister—Elizabeth and I have talked more than once about how her Obliger tendency and my Upholder tendency shape the way we work together, including how outer accountability helps her meet expectations that don’t come as naturally to her as they do to me. You can listen to us talk about Elizabeth’s Obliger tendency here.
Special note on Rebels: Usually, when a Rebel teams up—a founding team, a sales team, writing partners, a boss and chief of staff—that team member is an Obliger. (This is true in romance as well.) If one member of a team is a Rebel, expect to see an Obliger standing nearby.
Obligers are the “Type O” of the Tendencies—they match up well with all Tendencies. This is very useful to consider, when building a team. Note, too, that Obliger is the biggest Tendency, for both men and women. For that reason, you probably are an Obliger or have Obligers on your team.
But while Obligers tend to match pretty easily with other Tendencies, Rebels match much better with Obligers than they do with Questioners and Upholders, who can become puzzled and frustrated by many aspects of the Rebel way. Obligers often feel excitement and relief when Rebels say, “Come on, let’s forget all that, off we go!” but Questioners and Upholders may get irritated. This isn’t always true, of course, but it’s a striking pattern.
Watch Out for Obliger RebellionIf you work with an Obliger (or if you are one), take note: they’re often the easiest Tendency to overload, precisely because they rarely say no. If you keep adding deadlines without also checking whether the workload itself is sustainable, you risk what I call Obliger-rebellion—the point where an Obliger who has met, met, met, and met expectations suddenly snaps and refuses to meet any more. On a team, this can look like a reliable person abruptly missing a deadline, going quiet, or quitting outright, and it can seem to come out of nowhere to anyone who wasn’t watching for the warning signs beforehand.
Since Obliger is the most common Tendency for both men and women, most teams have more Obligers than any other type, so this is worth building into how you manage. Check in on workload, not just on output, and watch for early signs like uncharacteristic procrastination or a normally engaged person going quiet. I’ve written more about identifying and preventing Obliger-rebellion here.
If you have a LinkedIn Learning account, my course Creating Great Workplace Habits goes deeper into applying the Four Tendencies—and other habit strategies—at work.
The post What’s the Right Mix of The Four Tendencies in a Team? appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
An earlier version of this article appeared April 13, 2020
According to my Four Tendencies framework, every person falls into one of four categories — Upholder, Obliger, Questioner, or Rebel — based on how they respond to expectations. This sounds like a fairly dry, boring fact about someone — but it turns out to be very revealing.
I’ve heard from many people about how they use the Four Tendencies in dealing with their children. Whether we’re dealing with children (or adults), when we know someone’s Tendency, we can make arguments that are more persuasive, have more empathy, set up systems that are more effective, and save ourselves a lot of frustration.
What are the Four Tendencies? A Quick OverviewIn a nutshell, my framework distinguishes how people tend to respond to expectations: outer expectations (meet a deadline, agree to a request from a friend) and inner expectations (write a novel in your free time, keep a New Year’s resolution).
- Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations. Motto: “Discipline is my freedom.”
- Questioners question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense–essentially, they make all expectations into inner expectations. Motto: “I’ll comply if you convince me why.”
- Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves; they keep their promises to others, but struggle to keep their promises to themselves. To meet inner expectations, they must have systems of outer accountability. Motto: “You can count on me, and I’m counting on you to count on me.”
- Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike; they want to do what they want to do; they don’t even like to tell themselves what to do. Motto: “You can’t make me, and neither can I.”
Find out your Tendency with my free, quick quiz. (More than three million people have taken it.)
From my observation, our Tendency is a hard-wired part of our nature. It’s not a product of upbringing, generation, birth order, nationality—it’s part of our inborn nature. It’s shaped by time, experience, and culture, but it’s there from the beginning.
For that reason, it’s often possible to spot children’s Tendencies from a very young age. It’s not always possible, because children aren’t autonomous the way adults are, but once you know what to look for, it’s often easy to identify.
When we know a child’s Tendency, we can tailor our approach for maximum effectiveness, and avoid an approach that will cause frustration or procrastination.
Schoolwork, household chores, morning and bedtime routines, sports and activities, and socializing with friends and family members all come with expectations, so knowing how a child responds to expectations can help cultivate understanding and reduce conflict.
The Four Tendencies in Parenting: Quick Reference
| Child’s Tendency | How they respond to expectations | What motivates them | What works best | | --- | --- | --- | --- | | Upholder | Meets outer and inner expectations readily | Routine and predictability | Clear schedules; reassurance when plans change | | Questioner | Meets an expectation only if it makes sense to them | Reason, information, efficiency | The robust explanations they need, not “Because I say so” | | Obliger | Meets outer expectations; struggles with inner ones | External accountability | Deadlines, checklists, doing the work alongside someone | | Rebel | Resists outer and inner expectations alike | Freedom, choice, self-expression | Choice, appeals to identity, information-consequence-choice |
How to Parent Each of the Four TendenciesHow to parent an Upholder child:* They’re self-directed, so they can meet deadlines, join a remote-learning class, or feed their fish, without much supervision. * They’re eager to meet expectations and may become very uneasy when it’s not clear what’s expected—e.g., when an assignment is unclear or when they’re having trouble using a new technology. * To others, they can seem uptight or rigid. * They embrace routine, so they may feel anxious about any sudden changes to their usual daily schedule. * They thrive in predictability, so might find it hard to adapt to a situation that’s unstructured or unpredictable. * They may get very upset if they break the rules–such as when they’re late for school (even if it’s not their fault) or when they make a mistake, such as forgetting to bring an item to school.
What to say to an Upholder child* “Your teacher will understand that sometimes children can’t complete an assignment, for reasons that aren’t their fault, and that’s okay.” * “Your teacher expects you to read for 30 minutes every night, but because we went to visit Grandma, it will be bedtime when we get home. A good night’s sleep will make you alert for school tomorrow, and that’s more important than reading tonight.” * “Let’s make a schedule for the day. Why don’t you write the times for class, homework, exercise, free time, meals, TV, chores, and whatever else you think should go on it?” * “I think we should just eat lunch whenever we get hungry, but you want us to eat at a particular time. Okay, let’s say 12:30.”
How to parent a Questioner child:* They put a high value on reason, research, information, and efficiency. They need justifications. * They follow an “authority” only if they trust his or her expertise. * Their persistent questioning may cause teachers, professors, or parents to view them as uncooperative or disrespectful—if someone is told “You ask too many questions,” that’s a strong clue that the person is a Questioner. * They often refuse to do anything that seems pointless or arbitrary—“Why should I bother to do this dumb worksheet? It’s not teaching me anything.” * They tend to like to customize and monitor. * Parents, teachers, and professors should ensure that Questioners get the robust explanations they need to meet expectations—not “Because I say so” or “Sixth graders always do this assignment.”
What to say to a Questioner child “It may seem like a waste of time to write a book report when your teacher already knows you read the book, but this is an effective exercise to learn about how to summarize information, convey your thoughts clearly and convincingly, and identify the most important elements of what you read. Those skills will serve you well in many contexts.” * “You make an interesting point about why this assignment doesn’t make sense. Can you think of any reasons why it does* make sense?” * “If you don’t do what the parking sign says, you may have to pay a fine.” * “You have a lot of work to do. What do you think would be the most efficient way for you to tackle these tasks?” * “Doing this short assignment now will help you study when it’s time for the test.”
How to parent an Obliger child: They require supervision, deadlines, monitoring, and other forms of accountability; gentle reminders and many small deadlines may work better than one big distant deadline. * They must* have systems of external accountability–perhaps multiple systems of accountability–in order to meet inner expectations. (This is true for adults, too!) * Parents, teachers, and professors should ensure that work is distributed fairly—for instance, that for a group project, Obligers aren’t being exploited by others.
What to say to an Obliger child “Your teacher assigned The Giver* to read? I’ll read it, too, and you and I can talk about it.” * “I have my office work, and you have your school work. Let’s both do our work at the dining room table, at the same time, each day.” * “You may think your teacher won’t be able to tell if you’ve prepared, but believe me, a teacher can tell right away who’s faking it.” * “Let’s make a checklist of the things that you need to get done today.” * You might find online tools that can help create accountability—many Obligers use Focusmate.
How to parent a Rebel child: They put a high value on freedom, choice, and self-expression; they can do anything they want to do, and they don’t want to feel controlled. * If someone asks or tells them to do something, they’re likely to resist. * They resist supervision, advice, nagging, or reminders; when you remind Rebels to do a task, you’re very likely making it less likely that they will do it. * They may act as though ordinary rules don’t apply to them; for instance, they may complete an assignment in their own way. * They resist routines, schedules, repetitive tasks, and being committed to do a particular thing at a particular time. * To inspire a Rebel to act, it’s often most effective to appeal to their identity–a child identifies as an artist, an animal-lover, an athlete, a loving family member, a reliable friend, an outstanding student, a performer. * It’s also often useful to use information-consequence-choice. “The school circulated this form for seniors to submit their three top choices for each elective. If you hand in your scheduling form on time, you’ll be more likely to get your top choices. If you hand in the form late, you’ll be stuck in the unpopular classes, because the popular classes will already be full. Here’s the form.” * They often enjoy a challenge: “You think I can’t learn to play this piece of music? Watch me!” * As painful as it may be to watch, it’s crucial that Rebel children be allowed to experience the negative consequences of their bad choices. Rebel adults say this all the time! * Often the most effective strategy with Rebels is to say nothing*. Let them do things their own way, stay out of it. Don’t encourage, remind, nag, help, or even praise. To a Rebel, these well-meaning comments come across as attempts to control. Yes, this is easier said than done.
What to say to a Rebel child:* “Before school tomorrow, spend an hour on schoolwork. You decide what you want to work on, when, where, and how.” * “For reading time, pick whatever book you feel like reading.” * “Wow, writing a short story sounds like a challenging assignment! I can’t wait to read what you write. You have such a brilliant imagination.” * “Bet you can’t get ready in less than two minutes, can you beat your old record?” * “You want to work on your senior paper at 11:00 p.m.? Okay.”
What to Say About Chores and Screen Time, by TendencyTwo conflicts come up in almost every household: doing chores, and phone, tablet, or computer usage.
How to get your kids to do chores, by Tendency For Upholders, say: “Let’s make a schedule for the weekend, so we know we’ll have time to do all the fun things you want to do.” * For Questioners, say: “In this family, we all pitch in to keep the household running. This week you need to clean your room, mow the lawn, and unload the dishwasher every morning. What do you think would be the most efficient way to tackle these tasks?” * For Obligers, say: “Let’s make a checklist of the things you need to get done today. I’ll post it on the fridge, and you can check off each chore as you finish it.” * For Rebels, say:* “I trust you to get everything done on your own time, in your own way. As long as your chores are finished by Sunday evening, you can do them whenever and however you like.”
If chores are also a source of conflict between the adults in your house, see How to Stop Arguing About Household Chores.
How to handle screen time conflicts, by Tendency For Upholders, say: “You’re welcome to watch a show once your homework is done. You’ll enjoy it much more when your other responsibilities are finished. Let me know when you’ve turned everything in.” Avoid repeated reminders. An Upholder has already registered the expectation, and reminding only adds pressure. * For Questioners, say this: “Research shows that screens right before bed make it harder to fall asleep, and you’ve got a test tomorrow. Put the phone in the kitchen after dinner tonight.” Avoid making a hard rule without providing the logic behind it. * For Obligers, say this: “Let’s both put our phones in the basket during dinner. I need the help sticking to it as much as you do.” Avoid guilt trips like “You’re spending too much time on your phone. You need to do a better job of monitoring your screen time.” * For Rebels, say this:* “I bet you can’t go two hours without looking at your phone.” Avoid threats like “If I see you checking your phone during dinner one more time, I’m taking it away.”
How to Be Fair When Your Children Have Different TendenciesPick your battles. If your Questioner child asks, “Why should I make my bed every morning, if I just unmake it every night,” you might answer, “Fine, don’t make it.”
If you have more than one child, be fair. Many parents comment that it’s easy to fall into the habit of loading chores and tasks onto Obliger or Upholder children, who tend to more cooperative, and not asking Rebel or Questioner children to do as much; with Rebels and Questioners, we’re much more likely to face arguments, resistance, or refusal. But that’s not fair. Nevertheless…
Fairness doesn’t require that we treat all children the same way. An Obliger child might thrive when given supervision and deadlines. A Rebel child might thrive when given autonomy and flexibility. You might let an Upholder child look after himself or herself without much oversight. A Questioner child might need you to make sure that he or she hasn’t decided that certain assignments were optional.
Frequently Asked Questions About the Four Tendencies and ParentingCan a child’s Tendency change as they grow up?
In my observation, we bring our Tendency into the world with us, but our upbringing, context, and experience can dramatically shape the expression of our Tendency.
At what age can you identify a child’s Tendency?
It’s often possible to spot a child’s Tendency from a very young age. It isn’t always possible, because children aren’t autonomous the way adults are—a five-year-old doesn’t get many chances to set and meet an inner expectation. But once you know what to look for, it’s not hard. If you’re unsure, an older child can take the free Four Tendencies quiz.
Is one Tendency better for a child than another?
No. Every Tendency has strengths and weaknesses, and every Tendency can achieve what it sets out to do. An Upholder’s self-direction comes with a rigidity that can make small disruptions painful. A Rebel’s resistance to being managed comes with a real capacity to do anything they decide they want to do. You can’t change a child from one Tendency to another—instead, make it your goal to find the best approach for the child you actually have.
Does being fair mean treating all my children the same way?
No. Fairness doesn’t require that we treat all children the same way. An Obliger child might thrive with supervision and deadlines; a Rebel child might thrive when given autonomy and flexibility. Handing both children the identical chore chart isn’t fair—it just guarantees one of them fails.
Why do I end up giving more chores to my Obliger and Upholder children?
Because they say yes. Many parents comment that it’s easy to fall into the habit of loading chores and tasks onto Obliger or Upholder children, who tend to be more cooperative, and not asking Rebel or Questioner children to do as much. With Rebels and Questioners, we’re much more likely to face arguments, resistance, or refusal—so we route around them. But that’s not fair.
What do I do if my Rebel child refuses to do homework?
Stop reminding. When you remind Rebels to do a task, you’re very likely making it less likely that they’ll do it. Instead, offer choice (“Before school tomorrow, spend an hour on schoolwork—you decide what, when, where, and how”), appeal to their identity, or use information-consequence-choice: give the facts, name the consequence, and hand over the decision. And as painful as it is to watch, Rebel children need to be allowed to experience the negative consequences of their bad choices.
Want more parenting resources?
- 12 tips for a happier home, adapted from nursery school.
- My favorite books about parenting.
Want more to read more about the Four Tendencies?
- A mother’s brilliant strategy for dealing with a Rebel pre-schooler.
- Are you annoying? (I know I am.) How understanding a Tendency can help.
Want to listen to a discussion of the Four Tendencies on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast?
- Bonus episode: A deep dive into the “Four Tendencies” personality framework. The post Want to Be a Happier Parent? My “Four Tendencies” Personality Framework May Help. appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
An earlier version of this post appeared April 4, 2020
I’ve written before about the challenge of shared work. It’s tough to share tasks without resentment.
And it’s a particular problem whenever a household’s rhythm changes due to a move, a new baby, a shift to working from home, or a stretch when everyone’s suddenly around more than usual.
Dividing household work causes a lot of conflicts in couples—who’s doing what, and is everyone doing their share of the household chores? Here are some principles to keep in mind.
13 suggestions for managing household chore conflict1. Have an explicit discussion about expectations.You may not agree with each other, but you should talk about the fact that you don’t agree. Fuming silently when someone doesn’t unload the dishwasher isn’t helpful; that person may be oblivious to the fact that you expected them to do it.
It’s especially important to have this discussion during any major shift in your family’s routine. For instance, during the summer your household might have more dirty dishes, or more general mess, because everyone’s home all the time.
In particular, work related to children may be look very different during a big transition. Depending on your circumstances, you may need to figure out an entirely new way of divvying up work related to kids.
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Just because something’s important to you doesn’t mean that it’s important to someone else.You may value a clean kitchen; a messy kitchen doesn’t bother your sweetheart. Which means…
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Because people are more likely to do work that they value, assign chores accordingly.If you care about a clean kitchen, make that your job. If your partner hates a grubby bathroom, bathroom-cleaning should be that person’s job.
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Watch out for “unconscious overclaiming.”In unconscious overclaiming, we unconsciously overestimate our contributions relative to others. This makes sense, because we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. Studies showed that when spouses estimated what percentage of housework each performed, the percentages added up to more than 120 percent.
It’s easy to think “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” but ignore all the tasks you don’t do. And maybe others don’t think that task is as important as you do, anyway.
Also, work done by other people sounds easy. How hard is it to walk the dog for a few blocks? Remind the kids to do their homework? Take out the trash? It sounds easy, when you’re not the one doing it.
Be sure to recognize how others contribute.
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If you don’t want to do a task, don’t do it yourself.This sounds so obvious, but people often don’t observe this principle! If you keep doing a task, why would someone else start? Leave it undone. Don’t prepare lunch for your spouse and your two teenagers. Of course, this means that the task is most likely to be done by the person who cares most, so be strategic. It’s true that some tasks must be done; on the other hand…
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Some tasks don’t need to be done.There’s no law requiring that we make our beds, hang up our clothes, put away the kids’ toys every night. If you’re in a period where life feels overloaded, you may want to change your usual standards, for harmony’s sake. This is hard for people like me: for me, outer order contributes to inner calm. But different people feel differently.
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Don’t criticize the way people do their chores.If you want it done your way and in your time frame, do it yourself. Maybe you like the laundry to be done frequently, but your sweetheart thinks it’s more efficient to wait, and then do many loads in the same day. If the laundry is that person’s job, that person gets to do it in their own way. (It must be noted, however, that some people use deliberate incompetence—sometimes called weaponized incompetence—to try to shirk, which is very annoying.)
8. Praise the person who sets the assignments.It takes energy and effort to say, “We need to clean the kitchen” or “The laundry pile is too high” or “Time to take out the trash.” Praise the person who makes the chore chart, who gives reminders, who’s nudging other family members along. Except for the truly clutter-blind (and such folks do exist–my sister Elizabeth is among them), most people do prefer to be in an environment that has benefited from a lot of housework. This is sometimes called the “mental load” of running a household—the invisible work of planning and tracking, as opposed to tackling the physical tasks.
- Recognize differences.We all deal with negative emotions differently. Under stress, my urge (as an Upholder, see below) is to become more scheduled, more regular in my routine, more strict with my habits, more orderly—I find discipline to be comforting and energizing. By contrast, many people find comfort in lowering expectations and relaxing routines; they’re easier in their minds when they go easier on themselves.
It’s helpful to remember that a household clash might be arising out of different coping systems. One person is tightening up while another person is loosening up.
- If people aren’t doing their part, consider their Tendency:
Upholders — Make expectations very explicit.
Questioners — Explain why you want something done. “Because I want it done” or “Because we have to” isn’t a good reason. Good reason: “We just moved to a new house and a new city, and we want the kids to feel like our little world is safe and predictable. We’ll help them by making our household feel orderly, with the laundry getting done, meals eaten at regular times, etc. If our household feels chaotic, they’re going to feel more anxious and unsettled.”
Questioners are interested in efficiency, so discuss how systems could be made more efficient. They are also often interested in fairness, but they need facts, so calculate how much time you’re spending on chores vs. how much time your partner is spending on chores.
Obligers — Provide outer accountability. Note that sweethearts often don’t count as “outer” accountability, so don’t try to hold your partner accountable yourself. Try accountability systems like chore charts, scheduling, everyone in the household doing chores at the same time, the duty to be a role model, the duty to a future-self, keeping the house nice for others.
Rebels — Give freedom and choice. Let them do their work in their own way, in their own time—which is harder than it sounds. Note, they will sometimes choose to do something out of love for you. They want to live up to their identity: a loving parent, a thoughtful citizen, a responsible family member. Don’t remind, nag, or give helpful reminders—you may ignite the spirit of resistance.
Don’t know about my “Four Tendencies” personality framework? To find out if you’re an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel, take the free, quick quiz here. More than 3.5 million people have taken it.
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Make a joke of it.A little humor goes a long way. Can you find a funny way to make your point? Can you poke fun at yourself, while still saying what you need to say? During the COVID-19 lockdowns—obviously a major disruption to everyone’s routine—I told my family that my mantra was “Put away my clipboard” as a way to make fun of myself and my urge to hustle everyone along. Now I can say, “I’m sorry, I can’t resist pulling out my clipboard to point out that you haven’t put away those clothes yet.”
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Remember that the only person we can change is ourselves.We can’t control other people, we can’t change what they do. But it’s also true that when I change, a relationship changes; when I change, the atmosphere of my household changes; when I change, others may imitate me. So sometimes we can bring about larger change, just by changing what we do ourselves. This was one of the most important lessons I learned while writing The Happiness Project.
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Remember love.Stressful seasons test a household. A job loss, illness, a new baby, or other change can leave a family feeling stretched thin. During a time like this, it’s important to remember love.
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If we can overlook a neglected chore, maybe this is the time.
- If we can perform a chore that’s important to someone else even though we think it’s pointless and unnecessary, maybe this is the time.
- When someone asks for help, maybe this is the time to jump up and say “Sure, what do you want me to do?” instead of muttering “I’ll do it later” while continuing to scroll through email.
- Maybe this is the time to let go of things that would ordinarily bother us.
As Henri-Frederic Amiel wrote in his Journal Intime: “Life is short, and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh, be swift to love, make haste to be kind!”
The post How to Stop Arguing About Household Chores: 13 Strategies for Couples appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Ta-da! I’m extremely excited to announce my new journal: I Want You to Know: My Portrait of You. I’ve never done a journal like this before.
Speaking for myself, I cannot wait to fill out multiple copies to give as holiday gifts this year.
Some background: Ancient philosophers and modern scientists agree that a key—perhaps the key—to happiness is strong relationships with other people.
But if you’re like me, you may find it hard to put loving feelings into words—to express yourself openly. Or, in the business of everyday life, you find it hard to take the time to share funny or significant memories.
This journal will help you to put your loving feelings into words, and by making that record, it allows you to create a meaningful keepsake for someone you love.
The questions will prompt you to capture the things you’ve always wanted to say and record your favorite memories.
I’m planning to use this journal to create birthday and Christmas gifts. It would also make a great keepsake for a wedding, a graduation, an anniversary, a Valentine’s Day gift, a retirement, or any milestone moment. Or just as a spontaneous gift!
I wish this journal had been ready so that I could’ve filled it out and packed it in the “blues bag” I gave to my daughter Eleanor when we dropped her off at college.
It would be fun to give a blank journal to a child so that they could fill it out for a parent, grandparent, or best friend as a “handmade” gift.
I worked with a brilliant team on this journal—the design is gorgeous and the questions are very thought-provoking. Here are just a few of my favorites:
- One of my first memories of you is….
- These songs make me think of you:
- A habit of yours I secretly find endearing is…
- Knowing you had made me…
- This quotation makes me think of you:
As you see, the prompts are open-ended, so you can pick the vibe that works for you—tender, humorous, whimsical, nostalgic.
Expressing ourselves creatively can be a very important element in a happy life, and I’m very interested in everyday creativity—how we can express ourselves imaginatively without needing a lot of time, energy, money—or even skill! The design of this journal makes it easy to create something that, while not taxing in execution, is nevertheless extraordinarily meaningful and creative.
Once you get the journal, here’s a practical note: Read through all the prompts before you start filling in the pages; you may find that a particular story or detail fits better in a different prompt.
I’m sure that people will come up with inventive ways to use this journal that I haven’t even considered. I can’t wait for it to make its way into the world.
I Want You to Know: My Portrait of You is available for pre-order now, and ships by late October. Click here to visit the Happiness Project Shop to learn more and pre-order your copy.
The post Spotlight on the “I Want You to Know” Journal appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
On September 4, 2024, my husband Jamie and I will have been married for thirty years. Unbelievable.
We didn’t notice it at the time, but our wedding date is easy to remember: 9/4/94. Very handy. At this point, we’ve lived together longer than we lived apart.
To mark this occasion, I decided to reflect on some things I’ve learned about happiness and relationships—specifically, in honor of 30 years, 30 things I’ve learned about staying happier in my relationship to Jamie. Spoiler alert: This is a very idiosyncratic list.
With Jamie, I had love at first sight. How well I remember that moment in the law library! I felt Cupid’s arrow pierce my heart. I don’t believe that everyone experiences love at first sight, or that it’s infallible, or that it always lasts forever—but I don’t think it’s a Hollywood invention.
We met, we got engaged several months later, we got married soon after that—and I thought I knew Jamie extremely well. Hah! Now that we’ve been married thirty years, I realize how little we actually knew about each other.
I feel extraordinarily fortunate that with each year that passes, I feel a deeper love for Jamie, more admiration for his great qualities, and more tolerance for his…”quirks.”
Here are 30 observations, insights, memories, and reminders I give myself:
- I should go to bed angry.
- Don’t expect Jamie to do anything like a “happiness project.” That’s not his style, and that’s fine.
- Don’t underestimate the importance of the fact that we both like to get to the airport early.
- Grab his hand, put my arm around him, give him a hug; Jamie’s love language is “Physical Touch.”
- Face the fact that he’s not going to answer a lot of my texts and emails. Recognize that he’s like this with everyone, it’s not just me.
- Celebrate the anniversary of January 9, 2015, as the happiest day of my life—the day when Jamie was declared “cured” of the hepatitis C he got from a blood transfusion when he was eight years old.
- Recognize my tendency to blame Jamie when things go wrong, even when it’s not his fault.
- Remember that time when a nurse asked us if we were newlyweds, when in fact we’d been married for more than a decade and had two children.
- When I get mad about something Jamie does or doesn’t do, make the positive argument–usually, it holds. “Jamie never helps us get ready for travel” “Jamie always helps us get ready for travel.”
- Give Jamie a kiss every morning and every evening.
- Whenever possible, when making a complaint or criticism, lighten up. Using a humorous tone, an inside joke, or a callback lets me make my point, but nicely.
- Use written notes to give reminders to Jamie, instead of talking.
- Remember that Jamie is one of those Questioners who doesn’t like to answer questions. Yes, I see the irony.
- Every time Jamie comes and goes from the apartment, get up out of my seat to say hello or good-bye.
- Whenever possible, text him with funny photos or interesting news.
- Remember the time Jamie woke me up to see the sunrise.
- Jamie is really good at giving thoughtful gifts, which shows that he pays close attention to the interests and desires of the people around him.
- Tell him how much I admire his dedication to civic matters.
- Tell him how much I appreciate his love for going to the grocery store.
- Tell him how much I appreciate the fact that he has an encyclopedic memory for faces, names, and facts about people, as well as his surprising knowledge about a wide variety of subjects.
- Sometimes I get hopping mad when Jamie doesn’t “cc” me on an email or fails to give me important information—e.g., he’s committed both of us to attending an event. Remember: That’s the guy I married! Nobody’s perfect.
- When our daughters were little, when they were asleep, Jamie would sometimes say, “Let’s gaze lovingly,” and we’d stand together in the hallway and gaze at them through the half-opened door. It’s a beautiful memory.
- He worries about the people he loves; give him reassurances when he needs them, even when I find it tiring.
- Appreciate the fact that we both get along very well with each other’s parents.
- Remember that even when he doesn’t respond to some remark I’ve made, he’s listening; he’ll often act on something I’ve said without comment. (I used to assume he wasn’t paying attention because he wasn’t replying.)
- Jamie rarely praises me, and he rarely criticizes me.
- Jamie never complains about the fact that I have such a dislike of driving, even though it means that he’s stuck doing all the driving.
- Jamie’s great about planning adventures, buying tickets to shows, finding restaurants in interesting neighborhoods, discovering new TV shows and podcasts, and so on, and this is one way he makes our lives richer and happier.
- In general, and particularly as a father, Jamie worries about things that don’t worry me, and he’s not anxious about things that make me anxious—so we’re a good balance. (Some things, we both worry about!)
- As a Questioner, Jamie won’t do something unless he thinks it makes sense. When sometimes this behavior annoys annoys me, I remind myself how helpful this attitude often is.
Thirty years ago, in our wedding ceremony, we included the poem “Hummingbird/For Tess” by Raymond Carver. It seems appropriate for a 30th anniversary, too:
Suppose I say summer,
write the word “hummingbird,”
put it in an envelope,
take it down the hill
to the box. When you open
my letter you will recall
those days and how much,
just how much, I love you.
Also, if you like, you can hear me read the very short and beautiful story “I Was Trying to Describe You to Someone” by Richard Brautigan, which was also read during our wedding ceremony.
I just decided that in honor of this day, I’m going to go look at our wedding album. It’s been a while since I pulled it off the shelf. I’ll ask Jamie if he wants to look, too.
The post Reflections on a 30th Wedding Anniversary: 30 Things I’ve Learned appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
My husband Jamie and I recently drove our younger daughter Eleanor up to college, to help her move in for her freshman year.
It’s a huge family milestone.
In the weeks before, we went to Target, washed the new sheets, jammed stuff into plastic drawers, labeled towels, and finally loaded up the trunk. Because we had a four-hour drive ahead of us, we left the day before and spent the night in a nearby hotel.
Here are some of my observations and reflections:
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On the long drive, Jamie and I kept thinking of more words of wisdom to impart to Eleanor. “Ask for help!” “Make conversation with people, don’t look at your phone all the time!” “Don’t do anything unsafe or stupid!” But we said these things mostly to relieve our own feelings. For Eleanor, it’s probably too late; she’s either learned those lessons from us—or not. At one point, Jamie actually said, “Just take advantage of everything that college offers,” and we all burst out laughing. It’s such a cliche. It’s true, but it’s also such a cliche. But it’s true!
-
Once we got settled in the hotel, we walked around campus to find her dorm, the gate where we’d drive in, etc. When we arrived at her dorm, an obliging student let us inside, so even though Eleanor couldn’t look in her room (she didn’t have a key yet), she was able to explore the building, walk through the basement, find the laundry machines, etc., when there were almost no students around. On the Happier podcast episode 457, we talk about why visiting a place ahead of time can reduce anxiety. This familiarity made the next morning much easier.
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Eleanor had to choose a time slot for us to unload the car, and I was surprised that she chose 8 a.m., because usually she prefers to sleep later if possible. When the morning arrived, I was very glad she had the forethought to choose the first possible time. From the moment we arrived, she felt restless and uneasy. She wouldn’t have enjoyed a leisurely breakfast, morning walk, or sleeping in. She just wanted to get unpacked and settled.
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I kept reminding myself, “People are more important than process.” Meaning, meeting people or being attentive to Eleanor was more important than getting unpacked as fast as possible. For instance, at one point, Eleanor said, “Can we just go get a cup of coffee?” Part of me thought, “Let’s get this done!” but I realized, no, we’re not in a hurry, let’s take a caffeine break. That respite really calmed her down. Also, I kept reminding myself not to get so focused on the to-do list that I didn’t make conversation with the other families. People are more important than process.
-
At a certain point, I could see that Eleanor was starting to have trouble bridging the new and old worlds. There wasn’t much for Jamie and me to do. Probably our most important decision was recognizing the right time to leave.
At the very end, I gave Eleanor a long, tight hug, and when Jamie asked me a question, I couldn’t speak. “Oh, Mom, are you crying?” she asked tenderly. “I never see you cry! It’s okay!” I tried to put into that hug everything I couldn’t say.
After we gave our last, bittersweet good-byes, and as we headed back to the parking garage to start the long drive home, Jamie took my hand.
Fittingly, I was reminded of something I’d read during my own college years, the final lines of Milton’s Paradise Lost:
Some natural tears they drop’d, but wip’d them soon;
The World was all before them, where to choose
Thir place of rest, and Providence thir guide:
They hand in hand with wandring steps and slow,
Through Eden took thir solitarie way.
On the drive home, I wasn’t sobbing (I’ve heard from many people who say that they sobbed the entire way home), but I was overwhelmed by waves of emotions.
Jamie reached over and took my hand again. “She’ll do great,” he said reassuringly.
“I know,” I answered. “She’ll do great, and we’ll do great, but it’s the end of an era.”
I’m not really sure what I’m feeling. A friend emailed me, “You may still be processing those emotions for a long time.” I think she’s right.
As I was preparing for this milestone, I felt dissatisfied with the metaphor of “Empty nest.” “Empty” has a bereft feel and signifies loss and absence; I don’t want to define the next decades of my life by what’s missing.
Instead, I’m using the metaphor of “Open door.” I like this metaphor because it emphasizes that family members are going and returning. Jamie and I can take an impulsive trip, because our door is more open than when we had children to care for; and Eliza and Eleanor can come and go as they please.Our door is always open! The metaphor reminds me that I want to cultivate an atmosphere of freedom, possibility, welcome, and tenderness.The post Five Reflections from Dropping Off My College Freshman appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
My sister Elizabeth and I just returned from a wonderful guided hiking trip in Northumberland and the Lake District, in partnership with Wilderness England.
We hiked to various summits, we visited museums and gardens, we walked around cities and towns, we marveled at historic castles, we stood at Hadrian’s Wall, we took a ferry across a lake. So many terrific adventures.
Before we left, we read books to help us get in the spirit of our trip—books such as You Are Here, The Shepherd’s Life, and The Hollow Land.
If you want to hear live updates we recorded every day, you can listen here.
Also, along the way, we took notes of insights and hacks that we learned. If you want to hear us talk about these ideas, you can listen to episode 493 of the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast.
Insights we gained:* Just a few days away from our usual routines is enough to feel like we’ve had a refreshing adventure * Taking a vacation really does invigorate the mind and help us generate creative ideas * When we articulate a dream, we’re more likely to spot a way to achieve that dream * “Loose ties” are very valuable, because those people bring us new information * The quiz for the Four Tendencies personality framework is a fun icebreaker
Hacks we learned (sometimes the hard way):* Wear a bandana; they come in handy in many ways * Hit the down-volume button on your phone to take a photo * Wear layers * Check your pockets every night as you put away your layers * If you love a giant cup of coffee or tea, pack a travel mug * Really make sure your hiking boots fit * To prevent blisters, try Body Glide Foot Glide and KT Blister Prevention Tape * To prevent blisters or chafing, try Neat 3 B Body Saver anti-chafe and sweat rash cream * Follow the recommended-gear list * Take photos of place names, restaurants, hotels, or shops, if you think you might forget * Don’t get careless as you near the end of a hike; that’s when people get hurt * Pack a travel laundry packet so you can wash items overnight * Remember that YouTube is a terrific resource for information; I was very happy I’d watched video about how to lace on hiking boots * When you’re packing a day pack, don’t pack up the night before, because in the morning, you won’t be sure if you put in X or Y. Instead, the night before, lay out everything next to the pack, and in the morning, pack them in
Five-senses portrait of our trip:To help us remember all our experiences during our sisterly adventure, on our last evening together, we created a five-senses portrait:
Seeing
- Hadrian’s Wall—something Gretchen has wanted to see ever since reading The Eagle of the Ninth and Memoirs of Hadrian
- Dangerous plants growing in cages in the Poison Garden by the Alnwick Castle
- Fields of purple heather growing on hilltops
- The shadows of clouds passing over Buttermere Lake
- Our guide Jeremy running up the stairs carrying both our heavy suitcases at once.
Hearing
- The baaaaaa of sheep
- Typhoon fighter jets roaring overhead as they practiced maneuvers
- The scrunching of rain pants and rain jackets
- Our guide Jeremy’s New Zealand accent as he told us about the historical sites we visited
- The sloshing of water in our water bottles in our daypacks
Smelling
- Fresh cool morning air
- Various sunscreens as people applied more after a few hours of hiking
- Morning coffee and tea
- The distinct smell of the Euston train station in London
- The sharp smell of vinegar on fish and chips
Tasting
- Elizabeth’s fish and chips and scone—two foods she vowed to eat on the trip
- Very sweet, minty taste of Kendal’s Mint Cake on the summit of Cat Bells
- Sticky toffee pudding—absolutely delicious
- Perfect lattes in a roadside cafe as we approached the Lake District
- The Salted Caramel Rum Liqueur that we drank to toast the end of our last day together—we each took one shot
Touching
- Springy moss covering rocks and stone walls
- Weight of hiking boots and unaccustomed tightness around the ankles
- The light, carefree feeling of changing from hiking boots into running shoes
- Velvety lamb’s ear leaf in the walled garden near Lindisfarne Castle (one of Gretchen’s favorite textures)
- The pressure of the brim of a sunhat against the forehead and the strap under the chin
Here’s the quotation we mention:
The fleeting hour of life of those who love the hills is quickly spent, but the hills are eternal. Always there will be the lonely ridge, the dancing beck, the silent forest; always there will be the exhilaration of the summits. These are for the seeking, and those who seek and find while there is still time will be blessed both in mind and body. —Alfred Wainwright, A Pictorial Guide To The Lakeland Fells: The Western Fells
The post Insights and Hacks from an English Hiking Adventure appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Have you ever reached the end of summer and wished you’d done more to enjoy the season?
For many of us, summer is marked by longer days, looser schedules, and opportunities for time off from work or school. But taking advantage of that time requires reflection and planning.
It’s easy to tell ourselves “Next week,” “We missed it this year, but we’ll plan ahead next year,” or “I can’t think of anything I want to do,” and let the summer months slip away.
Every year on the Happier podcast, Elizabeth and I dedicate an episode to “Design Your Summer” to help us and listeners make the most of the season. The idea comes from Robertson Davies who says, “Adventures are what make a summer.” What makes a summer for you?
Also, when a particular season feels distinctive, time feels more rich, and our experiences are more memorable. If every month is exactly like the month before, time speeds up and blurs—so by doing lots of summery activities, we’ll make that part of the year stand out. (Of course, it’s a good idea to do the same thing for winter!)
I’ve created a new way to use the “Spin the Wheel” tool in the Happier app to help you design your summer and do more of the things that make you happier. For the month of June, every Spin the Wheel challenge will suggest something to add to your summer bucket list, an idea to spark a new tradition, or an activity that will help the season feel distinct.
Whether you want to rest and recharge, travel and have adventures, connect and deepen your relationships, or play and explore your creativity, you’ll find concrete ideas to help you plan ahead or get in-the-moment inspiration. You can spin the wheel and get up to three new ideas per day.
The Happier app is free to download, and you can use the Spin the Wheel tool with or without a subscription.
Want to make progress on your aims over the summer? Here are more ways you can use the Happier app this season.
The post A Fun New Way to Have a Happier Summer appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
One of my Twelve Commandments is “Lighten up,” and I have a lot of resolutions aimed at trying to be a more lighthearted parent: less nagging, more laughing. We all want a peaceful, cheerful, even joyous, atmosphere at home—but we can’t nag and yell our way to get there.
Tips for Young Children:Here are suggestions I followed when my children were younger (and most of them I still try to follow, even now):
1. At least once a day, make each child helpless with laughter.
2. Sing in the morning. It’s hard both to sing and to maintain a grouchy mood, and it sets a happy tone for everyone—particularly in my case, because I’m tone deaf and my audience finds my singing a source of great hilarity.
3. Get enough sleep yourself. It’s so tempting to stay up late, to enjoy the peace and quiet. But morning comes fast. Along the same lines…
- Wake up before your kids. That means I can get myself organized, check my email, and get some work done before they get up.
5. Most messages to kids are negative: “stop,” “don’t,” “no.” So I try to cast my answers as “yes.” “Yes, we’ll go as soon as you’ve finished eating,” not “We’re not leaving until you’ve finished eating.”
6. Look for little ways to celebrate. My “holiday breakfasts” and April’s Fool Day pranks are a big source of happiness. They’re quick, fun, and everyone gets a big kick out of them.
7. Repetition works. A friend told me he was yelling at his kids too much, so he distilled all rules of behavior into four key phrases: “Keep your hands to yourself”; “Answer the first time you’re asked”; “Ask first”; and “Stay with us” (his kids tended to bolt). I often use school mantras: “Sit square in your chair;” “Accidents will happen,” “You get what you get, and you don’t get upset” (i.e., when cupcakes are handed out, you don’t keep trying to switch).
8. Say “no” only when it really matters. Wear a bright red shirt with bright orange shorts? Sure. Sleep with your head at the foot of the bed? Fine. Samuel Johnson said, “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.”
9. When I find myself thinking, “Yippee, soon we won’t have to deal with all these Legos,” I remind myself how fleeting this is. The days are long, but the years are short.
Tips for teenagersOnce my children became teenagers, I added more items to my list for lighthearted parenting:
10. Try to join one of their enthusiasms. If they love a TV show, watch it. If they love a sports team, follow it. If they love a type of music, listen to it. It will give you a shared interest—and show that you respect their opinion. I’ve watched New Girl and Claim to Fame because my daughters love those shows.
11. To reduce conflict, as much as possible, let them arrange their personal space to suit themselves, with whatever decorations or level of messiness they want. I’m a simplicity-lover, and my younger daughter is such an abundance-lover that it stresses me out. Oh, well!
12. Find the humor in situations as much as possible. (Which includes being willing to laugh at myself.)
13. Figure out whether your child is an Obliger, Questioner, Upholder, or a Rebel, and adapt your parenting style accordingly. Read more about the “Four Tendencies” personality framework here. If you want suggestions about how to apply the framework as a parent, look here.
14. Don’t take on the horrible job of rousting a teenager out of bed in the morning. Use technology or some other system.
15. Be quick to point out a child’s strengths and gifts. “You’re so resourceful,” “You have such an original imagination,” “I wish I had your ability to remember names and faces.”
16. Say hello and good-bye with genuine attention and warmth, and if possible, add a hug or some kind of physical touch. I’ve found that this is such a quick, easy way to add more tenderness and attentiveness to the atmosphere of my home.
Have you found any good strategies to cut back on the shouting and to add moments of laughing, singing, and saying “yes”?Updated May, 2024. Originally published April, 2009 on The Happiness Project Blog.
The post How to Be Happier: 16 Tips for Being a More Lighthearted Parent. appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Something that makes us happier? Having clarity on how to move ahead—how to make a decision, how to size up a problem, how to deal with other people.
Elizabeth and I love a hack, and in episode 480 of the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, we highlighted these are a special kind of hack: “Proverbs of the Professions.”
Many of these proverbs are literally true, and also metaphorically true, or just as true in another context as in the originating context.
Note: we’re not saying we agree with all these proverbs.
From the Workplace:Share the praise, accept the blame.
You can manage for just in time or just in case.
Credit doesn’t get smaller when you share it.
Your email inbox isn’t your to-do list.
Don’t let the urgent drive out the important.
The difference between “try” and “triumph” is a little “umph.”
You pay for your vacation the week before vacation.
From Parents:Says yes when you can, and no when you must.
Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.
You’re only as happy as your least happy child.
Nap when the baby naps.
You wake the baby, you take the baby.
You can have quiet or clean; you can’t have both.
Let them go to watch them grow.
Nothing good happens after 1:00 a.m.
The more they sleep, the more they sleep.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Don’t try to make a happy baby happier.
From Job Seekers:It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.
Leap, and the net will appear.
Never look for a job without having a job.
From the Military:Flexibility is the key to air power.
If you aren’t five minutes early, you’re five minutes late.
Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.
You can volunteer for an assignment, or you can be voluntold.
If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
Generals tend to fight the last war.
It’s almost always costlier to attack a position than to defend a position.
From Actors:You can’t make a living in the theater, but you can make a killing.
The only person more unhappy than an out-of-work actor is a working actor.
Acting is reacting.
From Photographers:The best camera is the one you have with you.
Zoom with your feet.
You can take a photo or make a photo.
From Musicians:Practice makes permanent.
Perfect practice makes perfect.
It’s never the fault of the audience.
Hard work beats talent if talent won’t work.
From Chefs:Make it nice or do it twice.
Use your head or use your feet.
If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
From Poker Players:You can’t win the hands you don’t play.
If you can’t spot the patsy at the table, you’re the patsy.
Play the hand you’re dealt.
You can win with the worst hand, and you can lose with the best hand.
The house always wins.
Play the opponent, not the cards.
Big raises make big pots.
From Hikers:Don’t sit for too long.
The last person to reach the top of the hill needs time to rest, too.
There’s no bad weather, just bad clothing choices.
No one ever promised you warm and dry.
Don’t step on anything you can step over; don’t step over anything you can walk around.
From Veterinarians:First, all bleeding must stop.
When you’ve got nothing left, try steroids.
Every pet comes with a person.
Never name a dog Lucky.
There’s no such thing as a free horse.
From Ski Instructors:The first turn is the hardest.
If you don’t go, you don’t know.
Move your feet, not your skis.
See the line, not the trees.
The best skier is the one having the most fun.
A bad day on the slopes beats a good day at work.
You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy a lift ticket.
If you’re not falling, you’re not learning.
No friends on a powder day.
Ski good or eat wood.
If you choose not to find joy in the snow, you’ll have less joy in your life but just as much snow.
From Dog Trainers:It’s never the dog’s fault.
If you don’t wipe muddy paws at the door, you’ll cleaning mud tracked over the whole house.
A tired dog is a happy dog.
The only thing two dog trainers can agree on is what the third trainer is doing wrong.
From Therapists:It’s never about what it’s about.
Act different to feel different.
“No” is a complete sentence.
Under stress, we regress.
Clear is kind.
If you don’t reveal it, you can’t heal it.
What you resist persists.
People go to therapy because of the people in their lives who don’t go to therapy.
What we permit, we promote.
Acceptance precedes change.
Tell me what you’re afraid of, and I’ll tell you what’s happened to you.
There’s no settling down without settling for.
People who are unavailable attract people who are unavailable.
Hurt people hurt people.
You spot it, you got it.
Intimacy means, “In to me, see.”
Don’t just do something, sit there.
All behavior makes sense in context.
You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.
Name it to tame it.
If you’re tired of the battles, lay down your weapons.
Your vibe attracts your tribe.
Feeling is healing.
It’s not an excuse, but it’s a reason.
Don’t get furious, get curious.
From Physical Therapists and Fitness Trainers:Motion is the lotion.
The issue isn’t always the tissue.
Use it or lose it.
Pair your scrolling with your strolling.
If you want to do it later, you’d better be doing it now.
Sometimes quit beats grit.
Exercise for sanity, not vanity.
Movement is medicine.
Only move the muscles you want to keep.
A little movement is better than no movement.
No pain, no gain is a lie.
Exercise adds 20 degrees to the weather.
It’s better to be patient than to be a patient.
From Doctors and Nurses:When you hear hoof beats, don’t look for a zebra.
First, do no harm.
Start low and go slow.
If the gut works, use it.
Sometimes the best medicine is the tincture of time.
There’s no such thing as a good tan.
If you don’t make time for your wellness, you’ll be forced to take time for your illness.
Care for the caregiver
A dog can have ticks and fleas.
If it’s not documented, it’s not done.
Your actions today will change someone’s tomorrow.
If your patient isn’t pooping, your patient isn’t doing anything else either.
The shift will always end.
Write legibly, save a life.
Civility saves lives.
From Librarians:A great library contains something to offend everyone.
Books are both mirrors and windows.
A book for every person, and a person for every book.
You don’t have to know all the answers, you just need to know where to find them.
From Martial Arts:Your strength is in your stance.
Your greatest opportunity for influence comes from your willingness to yield.
Every block is a strike; every strike is a grab; every grab can be a throw.
One does not stay safe by controlling others, but by controlling oneself.
There’s nothing but basics.
If you do it correctly, it will feel true in your body.
You can also read proverbs of the professions from teachers.
These proverbs are endlessly thought-provoking, and they’re fun to collect.
The post Hacks for Facing Life’s Challenges: Proverbs of the Professions appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree: Strong relationships make people happier. We need enduring, intimate bonds; we need to feel like we belong; we need to be able to confide; we need to be able to get support—and just as important, give support.
Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists also agree: Reading makes people happier. Reading regularly boosts creativity, reduces stress, fosters empathy and understanding–and it’s fun.
A great way to combine relationships+reading is through a book club!
Any kind of group or organization can help us form and strengthen our relationships, but I do think we get a special boost from a book club.
How a “book” club can make you happierMany people want to cultivate the habit of reading. Belonging to a book club means that you don’t neglect this aim. And, especially if you’re someone who benefits from outer accountability and deadlines—Obligers, I’m thinking of you—belonging to a book club means that reading doesn’t get pushed to the bottom of the to-do list.
A book club is a terrific way to meet new people who share similar interests.
I’m in three (yes, three) book groups, and through them, I’ve met people I would never have otherwise met, and made strong friendships.
A book club creates a feeling of community and exposes you to new perspectives and ideas. Meeting on a regular basis ensures you’re connecting consistently and have something on the calendar you look forward to with pleasure.
Shape the book club to suit your interestsPeople often assume that a book club has to be organized one way. There’s no right way!
You can start or join a book club for whatever topic or genre interests you. For instance, for a long time, I didn’t admit my passionate interest in children’s literature. It didn’t fit with my ideas of what I wished I were like. But when I acknowledged what I found fun and made this activity a major pastime by starting a “kidlit” reading group, I dramatically ramped up the fun I got from it.
I now belong to two kidlit groups. To be clear, these groups are for adults who have a taste as adults for children’s and young-adult literature—no actual children are involved. Just as some adults like mysteries, sci-fi, or experimental fiction, some enjoy kidlit.
I also belong to a “regular” book club where we read adult books—mostly fiction.
Creative book club ideasNot everyone wants to join a classic book club, but there are many ways to structure a book club to make it as enjoyable as possible. Consider:
- Silent book club—people get together to read to themselves, in quiet companionship.
- No-homework book club—everybody reads whatever they want, then all swap notes about what they recommend or not. (Great solution for Rebels)
- Social-issues book club—people read books to become more educated on pressing issues of social policy; my sister Elizabeth joined this kind of book group
- Category book club—for instance, I highly recommend the kidlit book club! Or it could be biography, history, sci-fi, romance, horror, mysteries, thrillers, cookbooks…
- Subject-matter book club—for people who want to go deep on World War II, gardening, Napoleon, the Tudors, Japan, entrepreneurship, or whatever fascinates the group (we can get a real happiness boost from becoming a minor expert)
- Life-stage book club—people read books about parenting, divorce, or whatever is happening in the group’s lives (we can gain insights and support by reading about a life stage, and also from the discussions sparked in the group)
- Single-author book club—I know members of a Proust book club and an Anthony Trollope book club
- One-off book club—This can be a super-fun way to meet and spend time with people, though it doesn’t offer the same ongoing relationship-building. Last year, I went to a one-off book club to discuss the work of Laurie Colwin, and we had a terrific time.
- Prize-winner book clubs—I’ve heard of book groups that select their choices from looking at winners of prizes such as the Pulitzer Prize, Booker Prize, and the National Book Award
- Adaptation comparisons—the group reads the book, watches the movie or TV show, and discusses the decisions made in adaptation
- Read-then-experience—the group reads books in preparation for an experience they’re going to have together. For instance, the group reads book about a place, then travels to that place, or reads books about an artist, then goes to see a major exhibition. One of my Secrets of Adulthood is: The more we know, the more we notice.
- Guided-discussion reading group—some groups enjoy inviting an expert to lead their discussion; I’ve never belonged to a group like that, but I’ve heard that it’s really great
Discussion Ideas
Because book clubs are so popular, many bookstores, celebrities, and others offer book suggestions. If you need ideas for a book to choose, you can look at:
- Barnes & Noble Book Club
- Reese’s Book Club
- Zibby’s Book Club
- Read with Jenna
- Goodreads Choice Awards Book Club
- Belletrist
- Oprah’s Book Club
Also, many writers offer discussion guides to their books. I always do! (If you’re looking for a discussion guide for The Happiness Project, Life in Five Senses, or my other books, look here.) If you’re worried about the actual discussion, you may find those guides helpful.
Ground Rules
If you’re starting a group, it’s good to be explicit about the expectation for the group. People may have different assumptions, and those different perspectives can cause friction if they aren’t discussed. For instance:
- Can people attend even if they haven’t read the book? The motto of my kidlit groups is “No guilt.” People are encouraged to come even if they haven’t read the book.
- Should the conversation stay focused on the book, or is it okay for people to talk about other topics? Is the discussion highly structured? In my groups, we don’t have a very structured conversation.
- If you take turns hosting, what’s expected of the host? the guests?
- How often will you meet? I have a group that aims to meet once a month, and two groups that aim for once every six weeks.
The only thing I enjoy as much as reading is talking about reading. If you’re not part of a book group, and the idea appeals to you, consider starting one yourself, or looking for a group to join.
It will boost your happiness in so many ways.
The post How a Book Club Can Make You Happier appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
This year, for our “24 for 24” lists, my sister Elizabeth and I decided to observe a “No-Spend February.” For the month of February, we didn’t make any unnecessary purchases.
Why?
A brief period of deprivation can help us learn about ourselves and our patterns. It can re-set our tolerances, so that going forward, we indulge less.
Also, it may show us that we’d be happier if we engaged less in a habit such as spending, drinking wine every night, or scrolling in bed.
Setting up a successful No-Spend MonthIf you’re considering a “No-Spend Month,” setting a few ground rules ahead of time can help you stick to it:
- Set a timeline—if a whole month seems daunting, try one week or one day per week.
- Decide what “counts”—you might choose to focus on a particular category of spending or rule out anything you deem “non-essential.”
- If you rule out anything “non-essential,” what is essential? Tooth paste, a birthday gift, a meal with friends?
- Set up safeguards—for instance, if you tend to shop when you’re bored, decide what you’ll do instead.
- Identify your “why”—clarifying what you hope to gain from the experience, whether it’s breaking a habit, saving for a bigger investment, or aligning your behavior with your values, will help you stick to it.
- Consider whether you’re an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel—the “Four Tendencies” personality framework will help you set up the challenge in the way that’s right for you (learn your Tendency by taking the quiz here).
Elizabeth and I decided that for one month, we’d spend money only on necessary household items—also gifts. We could eat at a restaurant for a social occasion, but we couldn’t pay for prepared food otherwise.
For some people, it might work better to cut back on spending, without declaring something extreme like a “No-Spend February.”
But both Elizabeth and I are Abstainers about many things—all or nothing. Many people are surprised to find that when it comes to temptation, it may be easier to give something up altogether than to indulge moderately. (Read more about abstainers vs. moderators.)
It’s also true that often, when we don’t feed our cravings, they don’t build up; instead, they fade away.
Also, a bold gesture sometimes feels more fun than a more modest effort.
Of course, we both realized that we’re extraordinarily fortunate to have the financial comfort to choose not to spend in this way. That’s not something ever to take for granted.
What we learned from our No-Spend FebruaryElizabeth:
Elizabeth hadn’t realized how much time and energy she spent browsing online, looking through emails about sale items, and checking websites. So she gained back that time and energy in February.
However, to her surprise, she came out of the month with more desire to buy. In ordinary life, she usually looked without buying, but by the end of February, she felt more urge to go shopping than usual, so she thought she might go on a shopping spree. But, in fact, she didn’t.
Gretchen:
Because I couldn’t impulsively buy books that I wanted, I ended up buying far fewer—which is good, because these days I feel oppressed by my huge piles of unread books.
Also, I want to learn to watercolor, but my desire to buy art supplies outstrips my actual use of those supplies. It was good that I couldn’t buy a Chinese brush or gouache. This delay reminded me that I shouldn’t indulge in the pleasure of buying supplies; I should be focusing on regularly painting with watercolor.
Another benefit: I wanted to buy a small water-sprayer for watercolor, but because I couldn’t buy one, I realized I could re-purpose a sprayer that had held lens cleaner.
In general, delay is good. After I saw a YouTube ad for fire blankets, and doing a little inconclusive research, I know I would have bought them. But I waited to see if I really thought they were a good idea.
Along the same lines, when I spotted sun gloves in an REI store, I know I would’ve bought them—I didn’t know such things existed. But I waited. When summer comes, I’ll see if I really need them (doubtful).
Tips from listenersAfter we talked about No-Spend February in episode 472 of the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, listeners who joined in the challenge reported on what they learned and used.
Some highlights:
- Many people emphasized the usefulness of belonging to a Buy Nothing group.
- Many recommended budgeting tools such as YNAB (You Need a Budget) or Simplifi.
- If a child is begging for a toy, take a picture of it. That gesture often satisfies them.
- Save the money you’d otherwise spend to invest in yourself, with savings.
- A true under-buyer realized that she’d actually benefit from a Big-Spend February, to push her to buy needful things such as prescription sunglasses and hole-free t-shirts. (Read about under-buyers and over-buyers.)
- A listener pointed out that people should use the Four Tendencies framework to figure out how to handle a No-Spend February. I absolutely agree—Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels would approach the challenge in a different way.
- Only buy “treats” with cash.
- Customize settings in social media to receive fewer ads.
- In Amazon, “proceed to check out” just once a week, to get another chance to review purchases before making them.
- Most amusing: Every January, a listener and her husband observe “Survivor Pantry Island.” They buy very few groceries for the month, and instead eat from their pantry and freezer.
Final insightsOne listener pointed out that while Elizabeth and I often describe ourselves as under-buyers, we buy plenty! That’s one thing we learned from No-Spend February; we underestimated how much purchasing we do.
If you’re interested in this subject, Ann Patchett has a wonderful essay in the New York Times, “My Year of No Shopping.” We did a book club with Ann in episode 283.
I’m very happy that I did No-Spend February; it was a very useful exercise. The more intentional we are about our actions, the more our lives can reflect our values.
The post What I Learned From My No-Spend Month appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
We all love a good self-discovery question. Are you a morning person or a night person? An over-buyer or an under-buyer? A simplicity-lover or an abundance-lover? Do you prefer competition or cooperation?
When we know ourselves, we can tailor our surroundings, our schedules, and our choices to suit our own nature. It’s easier to change our environment than to change ourselves.
Self-knowledge is especially useful when we’re trying to make progress on our aims—so we can set ourselves up for success.
Here’s a useful question: When you do something right, what type of gold star do you appreciate most?
Different types of rewards and recognition work for different people.
This matters, because feelings of recognition and accomplishment help us to continue to strive.
- It’s gratifying to reflect on the progress we’ve made.
- It’s gratifying to have others recognize our efforts.
If we’re always thinking about our to-do list, we can feel discouraged and overwhelmed. If we take a moment to revel in our ta-da list, we get the energy to keep going.
But people differ in the kinds of gold stars that work for them.
When you identify what gratifies you the most, you can set yourself up to get it.
When you’ve made progress on an aim, what form of gold stars gratifies you most?
- Praise-seeker: If you’re a fan of the “Five Love Languages,” you know about “Words of Affirmation” (which is my personal love language)
- Badge-accumulator: You seek outward recognition of mastery, such as a job title, a certificate, a diploma, a publication
- Trophy-hunter: You want an actual gold star, a physical trophy, Scout badges, a medal, a deal toy
- Chain-Builder: You get satisfaction from seeing your streak get longer as you “don’t break the chain”
- Keepsake-collector: You collect a keepsake from something you’ve crossed off the list, such as keeping a playbill from every play you attend or a matchbook from every restaurant where you ate on vacation
- Likes-gatherer: You want engagement on social media
- Party-planner: You love to celebrate with a social event, celebratory dinner, party
- Pat-on-the-backer: You enjoy a literal pat on the back, handshake, fist bump, high-five
- Rewards-taker: Rewards are very, very tricky! Rewards often backfire! instead, I recommend giving yourself…
- Treats-taker: Give yourself plenty of healthy treats, whenever you feel like you need a little boost as you make efforts to keep an aim; don’t wait until you deserve it. Here are some suggestions for healthy treats)
Once you identify your favorite kind of gold star, you can make sure you get it.
For instance, if you’re a Chain-Builder, you could get the Don’t Break the Chain Tracker to track an important action, such as taking your medication every day.
If you’re a Badge-Accumulator, you could use the Happier app and get badges for different kinds of challenges and aims. Getting those badges will help you stick to an important habit such as writing every day in 2024 for #Write24in24.
If you’re a Party-Planner, you could remind yourself that even though it’s a lot of work to plan that celebratory dinner after you run the 5K, it will energize you to train for another race.
The more we know ourselves, the more effectively we can set up our lives to help us become happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative.
And when we understand that other people might prefer different kinds of recognition, we can tailor our approach to suit them. For instance, if I know my child is a Trophy-Hunter, I could make some kind of “trophy” to award “Great positive attitude during a vacation when he got sick and couldn’t do anything fun.”
What category of “gold star” works for you? What categories have I overlooked?
The post What Type of Gold Star Works for You? appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
For more than four years, I’ve been visiting the Metropolitan Museum every day. (I skip when it’s closed or I’m traveling.)
I started this practice for my book Life in Five Senses. I hoped this daily visit would help me to learn more about my five senses and myself, and how an experience changes with familiarity.
I’d planned to make daily Met visits for one year, but I love going so much that I can’t imagine ever stopping.
And to me, it’s important to go every day. It’s so different to do something every day rather than some days or even most days. As Andy Warhol observed, “Either once only, or every day. If you do something once it’s exciting, and if you do it every day it’s exciting.”
I’ve gained so much from the daily visits, and on a recent visit, I was reminded, yet again, of a vital and transcendent truth.
The days are long, but the years are short. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. Nothing gold can stay.
Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay. —Robert Frost
I’ve learned to appreciate each beautiful object in the Met, every time I visit—and not to assume that it will be there tomorrow.
It’s funny: Before I went to the Met every day, I expected that the Met would seem like a bulwark against time. So many treasures preserved and safe in their cases; each masterpiece standing in the same place, every time I looked for it.
For someone like me, who loves familiarity, routine, and re-reading, re-watching, and re-looking, this constancy was immensely appealing.
But that’s not what I’ve found.
The Met changes all the time.
Of course, special exhibitions come and go, but I assumed that the permanent collection was, well, more or less permanent.
At first, when I noticed changes, I thought my memory was playing tricks. Hadn’t the bullfighter painting been placed on a different wall? Where was that beautiful ceramic piece? One of my favorite galleries is American Wing Gallery 771—but wasn’t the display of portraits slightly different?
Slowly, I started to realize how much artwork slides around or disappears at the Met.
Certain collections—such as Chinese art, Japanese art, contemporary art—rotate very often. There was a hanging scroll of a carp that I loved, and visited many times, and then—gone.
Also, entire sections vanish without warning. (Well, probably I miss the warnings.) One day, I walked in, and the Rockefeller Wing, which I love, was closed for renovation—for years. This was especially jarring, because it held an Oracle Figure (kafigeledjo) that I viewed on almost every visit. Now that piece is out of sight—perhaps forever, if it doesn’t go back on display at the re-opening.
The same thing happened with the Ancient Near Eastern and Cypriot Art Galleries. One day, I turned a corner and—poof. Closed. Ditto, the European Paintings 1300-1800 Galleries.
Then one day, just as I was thinking wistfully about how much I wanted to visit Portrait of a Carthusian, to look at the “fly” sitting on the painted frame, I passed by the top of the Great Hall Steps and saw that the European Paintings were on view again.
I raced through the galleries to get a sense of what had changed. So much. Paintings hung in different rooms, in different contexts, and with better light. The El Grecos had moved upstairs from the Robert Lehman collection. The Vermeers were here, too.
But would I still be able to see my favorites? I hurried from one room to another. With relief, I spotted Ancient Rome and Modern Rome, The Fortune-Teller, Hermann von Wedigh III, and The Penitence of Saint Jerome Triptych (I like the way a demon tries to catch Saint Anthony the Hermit’s attention by pulling on his book, like a little kid).
Because I’d written about some artworks in Life in Five Senses, I felt as though these were “mine” in some way, so I was relieved to see The Penitent Magdalen and The Harvesters. And Portrait of a Woman with a Man at a Casement, which always made me laugh.
I was thrilled to see that a series of Hubert Robert paintings had been moved from the first floor; my favorite is The Bathing Pool, and it’s much easier to examine it closely in this new spot.
There were also many unfamiliar paintings, and it was exciting to have so much to see and explore. But it made me sad, too. I’d loved these rooms the way they were, and now I could never return to that previous configuration.
Each time I go to the Met, I think about how extraordinarily fortunate I am: to live within walking distance to the Met; to have the time, health, and freedom to visit; to be the beneficiary of so many people’s time, energy, money, learning, and genius; and to be in a place full of people from all over the world, who are enjoying beauty together in peaceful companionship. I never take the Met for granted.
And I no longer take any individual artwork for granted, either.
I never hurry past my beloved God Horus Protecting King Nectanebo II without stopping to look. One day, it may disappear—and even if something beautiful takes its place, nothing can replace those pure, stern lines.
Nothing gold can stay.
The post My Visits to the Met Reminded Me of This Profound Truth appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
For more than a decade, each year, I’ve been meeting with two friends to do a “look back/look forward” exercise.
Sometimes we break this exercise into two meetings; this year, we did both parts in the same meeting.
How do we conduct this “look back/look forward” exercise?
- Meet in person, if possible
- Have a pad of good paper and good markers at hand
- Bring look back/look forward pages from previous years
I find this exercise extraordinarily valuable, but if I’m being honest, I don’t think I’d do it on my own. It takes several hours, a lot of hard thinking and soul-searching; I’m not sure I’d carve out the time to do it year after year if I wasn’t doing it with friends. Accountability!
Because the three of us do it together, we don’t forget to do it, and we make time for it. Also, we take time to talk about our insights and observations, about ourselves and each other. That conversation is also extremely valuable.
Each of us does this exercise slightly differently, so I’ll describe how I do it.
For instance, I use this exercise to explore my work life. I note very important personal milestones, but for context, rather than to closely track what happened.
Look Back at 2023To do the “look back,” to jog my memory, I reviewed my “23 for 23” list and my digital calendar.
On one page of good paper, in separate boxes, I noted:
- My one-word theme for the year: for 2023, “Wave”
- My annual challenge: #GoOutside23in23
- Personal milestones: such as celebrating my in-laws’ anniversary, giving the commencement address for my daughter’s high-school graduation, jury duty, Justice O’Connor’s death
- Travel: both personal and work, including vacations and conferences
Most of my entries are related to creative projects I’ve worked on, so they each have their own box; for instance:
- Book: published Life in Five Senses and hit the New York Times bestseller list
- Quizzes: launched “What’s your neglected sense?” quiz and the “Gift-appreciation” quiz
- Creative Products: created the Muse Machine and the Five-Senses Journal
- Courses: held the Four Tendencies at Work workshop and launched The Happiness Project: Revisited course
- Newsletter: streamlined my newsletter
- Team: noted changes in the team of brilliant people I work with
- App: noted various important updates to the Happier app
- Partnerships and collaborations
Some of my boxes are more idiosyncratic, for instance:
- Didn’t work: I noted things that didn’t work out, or that failed altogether; for instance, I tried to figure out an idea for an audio-book from my material, and haven’t cracked that yet
- Realized: I made a list of things I realized; for instance, I realized that going to conferences is very useful for me, and should be more of a priority; I also realized that I want to spend more time reading social media (yes, more)
At the end of the “look back” half of this exercise, I always say, “Wow, I can’t believe everything that happened this year.”
Creating this kind of “ta-da” list is really valuable. I’ve found that I can become very focused on everything that I want to do in the future, or on the things that I’ve been struggling to accomplish.
I get very energized by reminding myself of all the things I have done.
Look Forward to 2024No surprise, my “look forward” is less specific and more aspirational.
For 2024, on another page of good paper, I included all the major categories that I used to “look back”—also my one-word theme of “Revisited” and challenge of #Write24in24—as well as categories such as:
- Anniversaries: 2024 marks a milestone date for my marriage, my children’s literature reading groups, and The Happiness Project book
- Paperback: the paperback of Life in Five Senses
- Adventures: My “24 for 24” list includes “Go on 2+4 adventures” so I have a box with possible adventures
- Admonitions: I wrote certain words in big letters, such as GROW ALL and CONVENE and WATERCOLOR
- Major to-dos: I listed items such as “Update my office” “New product”
- Big Goals: for instance, doing something for TV, writing occasionally for outside outlets, picture book
- Secrets of Adulthood: I want to make progress on this next big book project
Just as the “look back” helps remind me of what I’ve accomplished in the previous year, the “look forward” helps me articulate what I want to accomplish in the new year.
Putting it all on one page, in the briefest possible form, keeps this exercise manageable. It also means it’s easy to keep a file handy of all the previous years’ sheets.
I’m struck by how often a theme will repeat year after year before it finally gets resolved; on the other hand, sometimes a theme that seemed important at one point will vanish.
These pages give me a real feeling of both continuity and change—in my interests, values, strengths, and weaknesses.
How do you look back and look forward on your work life?
The post The Benefits of Looking Back and Looking Forward appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Habits are the invisible architecture of daily life. When we change our habits, we change our lives. If we have habits that work well for us, it’s much easier to be happy.
For that reason, ever since my habit-change book Better Than Before was published, people have asked me, “What’s the one habit that will make me happier? Where should I start?”
But the truth is, there is no one-size-fits-all solution to happiness. The answer depends on you.
So I’ve developed a short quiz to help you identify the right answer, right now, for you.
Take the Habits for Happiness QuizThe quiz is helpful, because it’s surprisingly difficult to know ourselves. We get distracted by what we assume is true, or by what other people tell us, or what we wish were true, and we lose sight of what’s true for ourselves.
In just a few questions, this quiz will give insight into what habit would do the most to boost your happiness. The answer may surprise you, or it may confirm what you already know. Either way, it gives you a starting place.
That’s useful, because sometimes we get so overwhelmed by the changes that we want to make that we can’t move forward. We don’t know where to begin, so we don’t begin.
Some people—especially Questioners—can fall into analysis-paralysis, where they can’t choose among many appealing options. It’s a relief for them to decide, “I’ll start by following the quiz’s advice, and learn from there.”
Also, sometimes we don’t admit to ourselves what we really want. The answer feels too charged, or too poignant, or too demanding, so we don’t acknowledge it. It’s hard to admit, “I don’t have many friends,” “My spending is stressing me out,” or “My life doesn’t reflect my values.”
For this reason, the quiz asks what you would “magically” do. This “magic” language helps you to look past practicalities and previous experience to think about what you really want.
Here’s the funny thing: some people—especially Rebels—get a result, decide to ignore it, and do something entirely different. Which is great! Sometimes getting a result you don’t want can reveal what you truly do want.
As long as the quiz helps to reveal a habit that will make you happier, it’s doing its job.
Unlike the Four Tendencies personality framework which reveals an inborn tendency that remains consistent throughout our lives, you’ll get different answers to the Habits for Happiness Quiz when you take it at different times.
- You might master a habit, so you’re ready to tackle a new challenge
- Your life might change in an important way, so your priorities change
- You might choose to focus on different areas of your life throughout the year
- Your values might evolve
Remember, as with any self-knowledge exercise, this quiz is useful only if you’re honest with yourself! Don’t give answers that reflect what you should think, or what others tell you to focus on, or what you think is “right.” Be honest.
In my observation, people often change what they find easier to change rather than what they really need to change. A friend told me, “I decided to train for the marathon, but after I ran it, I realized that I should have used that time and energy to switch careers. I used the marathon-training as a distraction—and an excuse.”
After you answer eight questions, your result will tell you:
- the category of habit that will do most to boost your happiness
- why that aim is likely to make you happier
- specific aims you might consider
- know-yourself-better questions to help you design the habit in the way that’s right for you
- any notes of caution
- suggested resources to help you make progress for your specific aim
So, if you want to make your life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative, this quiz will tell you where to start.
The best time to start a healthy habit is twenty years ago; the second-best time is now. This quiz will help you start now.
The post Introducing the Habits for Happiness Quiz appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Every year, on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, my sister Elizabeth and I do the Happier Trifecta to set ourselves up for the new year.
Many people don’t like making New Year’s resolutions, and the exercises of the Trifecta offer a fun (and still effective) alternative.
The Trifecta for 2024:
- One-word theme—Elizabeth’s is “Book” and mine is “Revisited”
- Yearly Challenge—this year’s challenge is “Write 24 in ’24“
- “24 for ’24” list—see below!
Research shows that when we set specific aims for ourselves, we’re far more likely to achieve them. So taking the time to make a list of things we want to accomplish during the year can make a big difference to our happiness.
However, how we approach our aims can make a big difference. For instance, because many people have bad associations with “New Year’s resolutions,” they prefer to use the tools from the Trifecta.
By reframing a task, we can make it seem more fun, more manageable, or less intimidating. For some reason, people love a “24 for 24” list!
There’s no right way or wrong way to make this list—whatever works for you.
As you consider what to add to your “24 for 24” list, these suggestions might spark ideas:
Have fun with the number “24”* read 24 novels * stretch for 2-4 minutes every hour * give up technology for 24 hours * keep the hours of 2-4:00 pm meetings-free * go for a long hike twice a month (2 x 12)
Be concrete, and frame items as actions, not outcomes“Try 24 new recipes” or “Prepare meatless meals 2-4 times per week” works better than “Become an accomplished cook” or “Cook more”
Divide your list into categoriesConsider the Vital Nine categories of habits to choose areas to work on:
- Energy: exercise and sleep
- Productivity: focus, work, progress
- Relationships: connect and deepen
- Recharging: relax and rest
- Order: clear and organize
- Purpose: reflect, identify, engage
- Mindful Consumption: eating, drinking, spending, scrolling
- Mindful Investment: save, support, experience
- Creativity: learn, practice, play
For instance, you might divide your list into Energy, Productivity, Order, and Creativity, with six items in each category.
Choose a mix of big, small, and whimsical itemsI always include one item that I can cross off immediately and also throw in a few easy ones, like “Buy a space heater for my office.” Some are tough tasks, like “Get caught up on my physical photo albums.” I always have a few fun ones, such as “Plan a perfume night with friends.”
Build your list around a single theme or aimIf you’re especially excited about your one-word theme, or you have a big challenge or transition coming up in 2024, you may want to devote your entire “24 for ’24 list” to that area—it’s all about “Evolve” or about your move to a new city.
Include items that are fun or revitalizingMany people fill their lists with things they should do and don’t include items they want to do—especially Obligers (see below)! Obligers, use your “24 for ’24” list to create outer accountability for things that are fun for you. Playing tennis, getting a massage, reading in your favorite chair on Sunday afternoons…that aim can go on your list.
Consider your TendencyTake into account whether you’re an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel. (Don’t know? Take the free quiz here.)
- Obligers—find an accountability partner for tackling the “24 for ’24” list, or find a form of accountability for individual items; also, the “24 for ’24” list may itself serve as a form of accountability
- Questioners—consider tracking your aims, customizing a plan, or articulating clearly why you’ve decided to put something on the list
- Upholders—spell out your items clearly and add them to your calendar, if possible (I find that I do much better with an item when it actually appears on my schedule)
- Rebels—remember, this list isn’t a “to-do” list but a “could-do” list, and it’s meant to help you do what you want, when you choose, to put your identity into the world
Aim for progress, not perfectionElizabeth and I have made these lists for several years, and we’ve never checked off every item. Nevertheless, we’re always happy we did it.
Find a way to display your listMaking an engaging display of your list can be fun, and it also helps to keep your list uppermost in your mind. I’ve seen people do beautiful, creative things with their lists.
Or if you want to keep it simple, download this free PDF, print it out, and keep it somewhere you can refer to it throughout the year.
Learn from the pastIf you’ve tried and failed to keep a resolution in the past, try approaching it in a different way. Don’t decide, “I’m doing it wrong,” “I need to try harder,” or “I’m lazy.” Ask yourself, “How could I approach this aim a different way?” I’ve tried for two years in a row to do daily “review reading,” and I’ve never managed to do it. So this year, I plan to do one hour of “review reading” on Saturdays and Sundays. I hope that changing the habit will make it easier to keep.
Bottom Line: Suit YourselfIt’s much easier to meet our aims for ourselves when we do it in the way that’s right for us. Which is easier said than done!
Good luck making your “24 for 24” list. I find it to be such a hopeful, engaging exercise to set the tone for the new year.
The post Tips for Your “24 for 2024” List appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Every year on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, as part of the Happier Trifecta, my co-host and sister Elizabeth and I do an annual challenge with listeners.
We’ve done #Walk20in20, #Read21in21, #Rest22in22, and #GoOutside23in23. For some reason, framing a habit this way makes it feel more fun—and also easier to maintain.
For 2024, our challenge is…#Write24in24! Join us.
Find the approach to writing that works for you and your aimsIf you write consistently, you’ll be astonished by how much you can accomplish in 2024. We often underestimate what we can do if we work consistently; as the famously prolific writer Anthony Trollope observed, “A small daily task, if it be really daily, will beat the labours of a spasmodic Hercules.”
For the year of 2024, for the first time, we’re suggesting two options for following along, depending on what kind of writing you want to do.
Riffing off “’24,” you can write for 2-4 minutes each day—that’s enough to “count.” Or if you want to go the extra mile, you can write for 24 minutes each day.
Short or long? It’s up to you.
Whether in 2-4 or 24 daily minutes, you can accomplish great things by the end of the year.
Identify your aimWe’ll all have our own individual aim for this challenge. Do you want to #Write24in24 to boost your productivity, creativity, mindfulness, self-knowledge, or something else?
Productivity—whether you write short or long, your writing could help you to:
- set priorities for the day with a “to-day” list
- clear your mind of nagging thoughts by making a “to-do” list
- make extremely manageable but consistent progress toward a big aim, such as creating a Facts of Life book
- chip away at challenging emails
- stay in regular touch with friends or family by sending texts, emails, or handwritten notes
- serve as a type of accountability partner—great for Obligers!
- keep a “ta-da” list of what you’ve accomplished that day, if you tend to be hard on yourself
- kickstart your brain into work mode
Creativity—whether you write short or long, your writing could help you to:
- make progress on a novel, Ph.D., memoir, or other major writing project
- maintain the habit of “Morning Pages“—Julia Cameron’s suggestion to do three pages of longhand, stream-of-consciousness writing, first thing in the morning
- generate unexpected ideas and connections by writing frequently
- create a keepsake for yourself or as a gift, by noting memories, reflections, insights, and events
- capture fleeting ideas that might otherwise be forgotten
- brainstorm with yourself
- overcome writer’s block by writing consistently
- ignore self-critical thoughts by pouring out ideas, no matter how outlandish or impractical
- keep a One-Sentence Journal as a general diary or to track an important transition or project
Mindfulness—whether you write short or long, your writing could help you to:
- boost your gratitude by writing down things you’re grateful for
- appreciate the moment by noting the experiences of your five senses—check out the Five-Senses Journal
- reduce stress and clear your mind by setting concerns down on paper and scheduling time to worry
Self-knowledge—whether you write short or long, your writing could help you to:
- evoke and record your memories
- gain insight into your own nature—consider the Know Yourself Better Journals, which pose thought-provoking questions to help guide reflection
- craft the narrative of your own life; research shows “life storytelling” boost happiness by helping us to make sense of, and find meaning in, our experiences
- reflect on your behavior, thinking, or problem-solving to gain insight into broad patterns
Tips to build a writing routineIf one approach doesn’t work, try something else—but do start with a plan. Research shows that the more concretely and specifically we plan, the more likely we are to stick to our resolutions.
Except for Rebels! Rebels, do it your way! Whatever feels right to you! If you want to keep it unplanned and spontaneous, that’s great.
What method of writing? Type into a document on your computer, add to an app in your phone, handwrite in a journal, use the page of a scratch pad? Beautiful tools make work a joy, so indulge in a modest splurge if that makes writing more pleasurable.
Choose your time of day wisely. Are you a morning person or a night person? Are you using this exercise to set your priorities for the coming day, to reflect on the day that just passed, or to do original work?
If you need accountability, get it. Obligers, you need accountability! And Upholders, Questioners, and sometimes even Rebels can benefit from accountability. Join a writers’ group, find an accountability partner, take a class, use the Happier app…there are many forms of accountability. A friend told her son, “You have your homework, and I have my homework, which is my daily writing. If I don’t do my homework, you don’t have to do your homework.” She felt obliged to write, because otherwise, her son wouldn’t do his homework.
Accountability structure can be quite unconventional. According to the historian Plutarch, in ancient Greece, the Athenian statesman Demosthenes built an underground study where he practiced his speaking and exercised his voice. To keep himself working, he shaved off one half of his head of hair, so that he couldn’t go out in public.
Don’t break the chain. Many people benefit from sticking to a chain—which is one reason our annual challenge works so well. Use the Don’t Break the Chain Habit Tracker or the Happier app to record your streak.
Try forming a ritual. A ritual helps signal our brains that it’s time to enter a creative, focused state. You might light a candle, play a particular kind of music, walk around the block, or go to a specific place.
Consider collaboration. It can be exciting and fun to collaborate on a writing project. One reason that Elizabeth became a TV writer, after having written several novels, is that she likes to collaborate on writing. Consider whether you’d like to do #Write24in24 with another person or group.
Upgrade your tools or your surroundings. Writing Life in Five Senses showed me that our sensory environment can make working easier or harder. Do you want to write in silence, with music playing, or amid the busy hum of a coffee shop? Is your desk chair comfortable, do you need a better pen, would you feel energized by putting a plant on your desk?
Put yourself in the company of writers. As the Strategy of Other People holds, we tend to pick up behaviors and attitudes from others. Hang out with people who also value writing, visit bookstores, listen to podcasts about writing (e.g., #AmWriting), read books about writing (e.g., King’s On Writing, Lamott’s Bird by Bird, Shapiro’s Still Writing, Zinsser’s On Writing Well).
Look back on times when you’ve succeeded in the past. When I was writing my book about habit change, Better Than Before, I noticed that people would often bemoan the fact that in the past, they’d kept a habit easily, but now found it hard to follow. This is a huge clue! If you wrote regularly in the past, reflect—and try to understand what aspect of that time made it easier. Was it the accountability of turning in homework? Was it excitement about the project? Was it the fun of collaboration? The past holds clues for the present.
Use the Muse Machine if you get stuck.* I recently created the Muse Machine***, a deck of 150 prompts to help spark creative thinking. I must say—I love it! Or if you have another way of boosting your creativity, use it.
Use the Strategy of Convenience. Make it very easy to write. Keep your materials handy.
Tap into your Tendency. Are you an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel? Use that knowledge to help you keep the habit of daily writing.
Find more tips for building a writing routine here.
Ask Us Anything: Elizabeth and I Answer Questions from the Podcast
Ideas for Working on a Major Creative Project in 2-4 Daily MinutesIf you’re writing for 2-4 daily minutes, you may be doing a to-list, handwriting notes, tackling emails, or the like. Which is great!
But you could also make progress on a major creative project, just 2-4 minutes each day. Remember, your work will add up to something significant by December. So consider whether you’d like to build toward some finished final project.
Interesting short-form inspirations that I’ve loved:
People Who Led to My Plays—playwright Adrienne Kennedy creates a riveting memoir by noting all the people who inspired her work, describing each person or encounter in just a few sentences
I Remember—in just a sentence or two, Joe Brainard writes down the specific memories that rise the surface of his mind, and with these short reflections, creates an extraordinary record
The Glen Rock Book of the Dead—Marion Winik writes one-page portraits of the dead people she has known; enthralling
Listography: Your Life in Lists—a journal designed to help you write your autobiography through list-making
Love, Loss, and What I Wore—Ilene Beckerman tells the story of her life, outfit by outfit—this exercise could work with any element that pervades your life, such as foods you ate, music you listened to, books you read, art you admired. (Her memoir is illustrated, which is an interesting additional element.)
Use tools to help you #Write24in24I’ve created many resources that you might find helpful as you #Write24in24.
- The One-Sentence Journal
- The Five-Senses Journal
- The Muse Machine
- The Don’t Break the Chain Habit Tracker
- The Happier app
- Free #Write24in24 PDF download
Whether you write short or long, whether you join on January 1 or halfway through the year, whether you want to tackle your drudge work or spark your brilliance, #Write24in24 can work for you.
Join us!
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It’s the holiday season. We love to talk about holiday fun, and we also love to talk about holiday burnout.
For many people, the holidays leave us feeling overwhelmed or exhausted rather than refreshed.
“Burnout” is a very broad term. Why do you feel burned out? Because if you identify the problem, you’re much better able to address it.
For instance, if you’re feeling burned out because you’ve been staying up late every night, drinking and eating unhealthfully, and missing your usual work-outs and meditation, you need one kind of solution.
If you’re feeling burned out because you want to make the holidays perfect for your whole family, but you have a fifteen-page to-do list and no one is helping you, you need a different kind of solution.
First, identify the source—or sources—of your burnout. Then consider these solutions:
Solutions for holiday burnoutIf you’re feeling overwhelmed by everyday stress…The holidays and the year’s end is a busy season with a lot of expectations. If you’re feeling stress due to travel, working overtime, or taking stock of your personal goals, these reminders can help you avoid getting too exhausted:
- Treat yourself like a toddler—Don’t let yourself get too tired, too cold, too hot, too hungry, or too overwhelmed
- Find some fun—if this holiday is supposed to be fun, make sure that you are, indeed, having some fun (and your idea of fun may be very different from other people’s ideas of fun)
- Put yourself in the mood—get in touch with the fun part of the holidays by playing holiday music, watching a holiday movie, eating a nostalgic food from your childhood, or doing an activity like cookie-baking—in my family, we decorate graham-cracker houses (like gingerbread houses, but much easier to make)
- Be grateful—feeling grateful helps drive out feelings of irritation, anger, and resentment. Look for reasons to appreciate what you have, and to thank the people who worked to create it.
- Acknowledge what you’ve done—Give yourself a gold star, make a ta-da list
If you’re navigating tricky social dynamics…The holiday season also comes with a disruption to our usual social calendar. We might struggle to deal with difficult relatives, experience feelings of loss due to death or change, or feel the pressure of expectations around entertaining and socializing. Obligers especially tend to feel burdened by everything expected of them (don’t know if you’re an Obliger, Questioner, Rebel, or Upholder? Take this quiz to find out). When dealing with people, traditions, and social expectations, it can be helpful to:
- Find some time alone if you need it—when we’re staying with my family, my husband always volunteers to run to the grocery store. Once he went three times in one day. He loves any excuse to go to the grocery store (odd, right?), and this task gives him a way to be helpful, do something he enjoys, and get much-needed time alone
- Do good—do good, feel good. Volunteer, help a neighbor, pitch in, donate money to a cause you believe in, donate blood, sign up to be an organ donor, reach out to someone who may be feeling lonely or sad during this time
- Avoid strife—if you know you’re going to argue needlessly with someone, try not to engage
- Be understanding—if traditions are very important to others, try to stay patient and play your part
- Ask for help or delegate—don’t wait for people to volunteer or assume you have to do everything yourself!
- Avoid drinking too much—and if you notice someone else trying to curb their own drinking, don’t make a fuss or urge them to partake
If you’re struggling to keep everything in order…Between endless to-do lists for decorating, cooking, cleaning, and planning, as well as the stress around gift-giving, it can be a challenge to stay organized and get it all done.
- If you need help with gift-giving, take this quiz to help get some good ideas
- See the funny side of a screw-up. If something does go wrong, remember my Secret of Adulthood: “The things that go wrong often make the best memories”
- Set a budget and stick to it
- Be realistic—If you want everything to be perfect, try to lighten up; don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good
- Make concrete plans—I find that things that can be done at any time are often done at no time (shopping, wrapping, getting holidays cards ready, visiting the annual holiday light display, etc.), so to ensure that key tasks get done, consider putting them on the calendar
- Allow traditions to evolve—I remember how hard it was for me to give up my family tradition of having a live Christmas tree. But it just didn’t work: we live in a New York City apartment, and we spent Christmas week with my parents in Kansas City, anyway
- Lower the bar—find short-cuts, change your expectations, look for ways to make things easier. In my extended family, we changed our gift-giving tradition so now we buy fewer, less expensive presents. We still have the fun of buying and opening gifts, but it’s less stressful
- Make entertaining easier—find lots of entertaining hacks here
- Clean as you go—for most people, outer order contributes to inner calm, especially at busy times, so put your dishes in the dishwasher, hang up your coat, make your bed, take out the trash, etc.
What strategies have you used to fight holiday burnout?
The post How to Handle Holiday Burnout appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
In 1995, I had the most memorable job of my life. I spent a year clerking for Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, which meant that with three fellow clerks, I did writing, review, and analysis to help the Justice in her work. It was an extraordinary privilege to serve, in this small way, the operation of the Supreme Court.
I remember the first day I met the Justice, for my interview—she was friendly and easy to talk to, yet had an unmistakable air of command. (I was startled to learn that I should address her as “Justice,” as in “Thank you, Justice.” It seemed that every time we spoke to her, we invoked the Spirit of Justice, the virtue she was meant to uphold.)
During the year I served in the SO’C chambers, I saw for myself her determination, her openness to argument, her clarity, her impatience, her sense of humor.
After my clerkship ended, and even after I quit working as a lawyer to become a writer in New York City, Justice O’Connor and I kept in touch.
One day, the Justice called to tell me about iCivics, her initiative to give children a strong civics education. As we talked, I pictured her sitting in her chambers. With white marble, pediments, and Corinthian columns, the Supreme Court building looks like a Roman temple, but—quite incongruously, and with her typical independence—Justice O’Connor’s chambers held woven blankets, baskets, and cowboy sculptures to remind visitors of her beloved American Southwest.
We talked about her plans for iCivics, and why she believed it was so important for children to learn to become engaged citizens. Then she asked me what I was working on.
“I’m finishing up my book The Happiness Project,” I told her. “It’s an account of a year I spent test-driving theories about how to live a happier life—tackling areas like my energy, friendship, family, work, mindfulness, service, gratitude. All that.”
She said, “Well, I can tell you what I believe is the secret to a happy life.”
“What’s that, Justice?”
“Work worth doing.”
“Interesting,” I said, noting that this three-word response was typical of the Justice’s style—decisive, pragmatic, and brief. “But isn’t it somewhat…limited?”
“No,” she said firmly. “Work worth doing. That’s all you really need.”
“Hmmm,” I said. “I’ll think that over.”
For a long time, I wasn’t sure I agreed with her. What about relationships? Contemporary scientists and ancient philosophers agree that relationships are a key to happiness. And wasn’t the focus on “work” too narrow?
But now, with time and experience, I recognize the wisdom of her answer. “Work” can mean different things to different people, but no matter what form it takes, if we’re doing work worth doing, we’re spending our time and energy in a way that reflects our values.
Sandra Day O’Connor did work worth doing. She dedicated her life to the aim of good government: she served in all three branches; she was elected, appointed, and volunteered to serve in countless roles; she promoted the rule of law and judicial independence; she showed that “a young cowgirl from the Arizona desert” could make it to the Supreme Court.
Justice O’Connor’s personal qualities, as well as her professional qualities, helped her to succeed. She was analytical, tough, and practical, and she also believed in having fun at work. When she and her clerks came in on weekends, she’d often bring lunch for us all to share, we celebrated birthdays, we went fishing—I also attended her famous morning aerobics class, with our “Justice Never Rests” t-shirts.
Much more importantly, her personal warmth served the Court. As a moderate conservative who often held the key vote in high-profile, contentious decisions, she was in a tough position, but her strong relationships with the other justices helped to hold the Court together and steer its course.
In 2018, when she announced her retirement from public life, she reflected on her career:
I’ve seen first-hand how vital it is for all citizens to understand our Constitution and unique system of government, and participate actively…working collaboratively…to solve problems, putting country and the common good above party and self-interest, and holding our key governmental institutions accountable.
In one paragraph, she summed up everything she’d striven to promote. The Constitution. Active participation. Collaboration. Putting the common good above party and self-interest. Accountability.
Work worth doing! What a happy life Sandra Day O’Connor led. Perhaps her death will remind us to recommit ourselves to the great American ideals she worked so hard to advance.
The post Sandra Day O’Connor’s Secret to a Happy Life appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
This year, in the United States, Labor Day falls on September 4, and for many of us, that holiday signals the post-summer return to the regular routine of work and school. Even though autumn doesn’t really start until September 23, Labor Day marks the shift from “end of summer” to “beginning of fall.”
The holiday offers an opportunity to reflect on our relationship to our own “labor”—whether paid or unpaid. We can re-examine our routines and focus on our aims.
What does a happier Labor Day look like for you? If you’re looking for ways to make your work life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative, consider these suggestions:
Deepen your work relationships. Could you turn a work acquaintance into a friend? Could you repair any strained relationships? Could you re-connect a work friend whom you haven’t seen in a while?
Improve your tools. Work is easier when we have good tools. Do you need a new laptop, updated software, better headphones? Even something as simple as a better pen can make a difference. I love my extra monitors; they save me so much time and effort.
Tailor your surroundings to suit yourself. Figure out if you need more light, a better chair, less noise, etc. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by clutter, my book Outer Order, Inner Calm has dozens of suggestions for easy ways to create order.
Create a list of healthy treats to give you a boost of energy or cheer when you need it. Listening to new music, playing Wordle, taking a quick walk outside…what works for you?
Cultivate an atmosphere of growth. We’re happier when we’re growing, so learn a new skill, challenge yourself to do something intimidating (such as public speaking), or start a side hustle.
Acknowledge your preferences. Are you a finisher or opener? Marathoner or sprinter? Morning person or night person? Abundance-lover or simplicity-lover? Abstainer or moderator? Try to adjust your schedule and surroundings to suit yourself, as much as possible. Because I know I’m a morning person, I schedule all my most difficult tasks first thing in the day.
Use tracking tools. We manage what we monitor, so to make progress, consider tools that will help you maintain momentum. You might try the Happier app, a physical journal like the Don’t Break the Chain Habit Tracker, or a worksheet.
Tackle digital clutter and distractions. Unsubscribe from unwanted newsletters, write any emails you can draft in less than a minute, delete unneeded messages, delete unused apps.
Schedule a weekend Power Hour to stay on top of personal chores and errands. Little by little, we can get a lot accomplished.
In the tumult of everyday life, it can be hard to step back to ask, “What changes might make my work life easier? How might my habits or routines improve?”
By using Labor Day as a catalyst for reflection, we can spot opportunities to change our work lives for the better.
The post What Changes to Your Routine Might Make Your Work Life Happier? appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
In episode 438 of the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, Elizabeth and I answered listener questions about writing in an “Ask Us Anything.” Here are some highlights: How does writing a novel differ from writing TV? Is doing one preparation for doing the other, or are they really different? Elizabeth: They’re very different, very challenging […]
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Do you love to listen to music, but don’t care much about how things smell? Are you a real foodie, but don’t pay much attention to the texture of clothes? I’m the rare person who rarely listens to music and doesn’t care much about food. But I have a giant collection of perfume samplers, and […]
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We’ve all heard the reminder to “Work smarter, not harder”—but that’s easier said than done. How do we boost our productivity? While the word “productivity” is associated with the workplace, we can use productivity” for any aim. Being productive might mean writing a certain number of words each day, practicing a musical instrument regularly, or […]
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In my “Four Tendencies” personality framework, each of the Four Tendencies—Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, Rebel—has its strengths and its weaknesses. And the strengths are the weaknesses, and the weaknesses are the strengths—just depending on the context. (Want to learn your Tendency? Take the short quiz here.) Many people, especially Obligers, have a hard time saying “no” […]
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One habit that many people want to start? The habit of regular writing. When I was working on Better Than Before, my book about how to make and break habits, I was surprised by how many people want to cultivate the habit of writing regularly. They have different reasons: for creative expression—working on a novel, […]
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In my book The Four Tendencies, I describe my personality framework that divides people into four “Tendencies”: Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, and Rebel. Want to learn your Tendency? Take the free quiz (more than three million people have taken it), or learn more about the framework here. Here, I’m going to explore a very particular—and very […]
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Do you have any regrets? I sure do. We feel regret when we feel sad, disappointed, or repentant about something we did or didn’t do in the past. Regret is a painful emotion, but because it is painful, it can spur us to identify opportunities for greater happiness. For instance, in college I didn’t pursue […]
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July 2 was Halfway Day, and to celebrate, I’ve been giving gold stars to readers and listeners who have been sharing their progress on their aims on social media. Progress looks different for everyone. For some people, it might mean checking off items on their “23 for 23 list” in their 2023 Happiness Trifecta. […]
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In doing the research for my book Life in Five Senses, I tried a bunch of different exercises. I went to Flavor University. I tried making a non-Newtonian fluid out of cornstarch. I went to “Dinners in the Dark” to eat a meal blindfolded. One of my most enjoyable and thought-provoking exercises, however, was to […]
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In her memoir Plant Dreaming Deep, poet May Sarton wrote: “If someone asked me what my idea of luxury is, I think my answer would be: flowers in the house all year round.” This question caught my imagination: What’s my idea of luxury? For me, luxury means buying books instead of getting them from the library, ordering a […]
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Recently, I was thrilled and honored to be invited to give the commencement address for my daughter’s high-school graduation. For that occasion, I wanted to explore transcendent, timeless themes, I wanted to tell a few good stories—and I wanted to be brief. So there were many concrete, useful suggestions that didn’t make it into the […]
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Recently, I was thrilled to be asked to give the commencement address for my daughter Eleanor’s high-school graduation. (I worried that Eleanor might not be enthusiastic about this development, and I was surprised and pleased that she was really happy about it.) One note, so the conclusion makes sense: The school song begins “We go […]
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Toward the end of summer, have you ever felt that you wished you’d done more with those months? Life feels richer and more memorable when each season of the year feels special in some way. One way we can make this summer distinctive? Give ourselves recess: a daily, unstructured, creative time of play. Research shows […]
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My new book, Life in Five Senses: How Exploring the Senses Got Me Out of My Head and Into the World, just hit the shelves. What a joy it was to write this book! The most important—and unexpected—discovery I made while working on it: We can use our five senses to strengthen our connections to […]
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In episode 430 of the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, we discuss our favorite hacks for entertaining.
Why does this issue matter for happiness?
As I explore more deeply in my book The Happiness Project, ancient philosophers and modern scientists agree that a key—perhaps the key—to happiness is strong relationships. We need strong, intimate bonds; we need to feel like we belong; we need to be able to confide; we need to be able to get and give support.
One of the quickest ways to deepen and strengthen relationships is to invite people into our homes. But that can require a lot of time, energy, and money!
These hacks are meant to make entertaining easier and more fun.
From our mother, who is great at entertaining:
- Use place cards, and, if you’re feeling ambitious, menu cards.
- Seat people on the ends of rectangular tables, to make conversation easier.
- If you can afford to, hire someone—such as your children—to help with serving and clean-up.
- Make your own printed invitations.
From Elizabeth:
- Have a theme.
- Set your event after dinner, so you provide dessert or snacks and drinks.
- Brunch is easier than dinner.
- Set up a recurring event like a book club or lunch club.
- Entertain at the last minute.
- Have a party favor.
- Co-host with someone else.
- Have a planned activity, such as mahjong, a taste party (I describe a taste party in my book Life in Five Senses), a board game, or a podcast club
From Gretchen:
- My mantra: “It’s always the right number of attendees at a book club.”
- Look for an opportunity to celebrate—anniversary of a book group, holidays, etc.
- Need wedding readings? Click here.
Hacks from listenersGet help:
- As discussed in episode 393, First Lady Jill Biden suggests putting up sticky notes with suggested tasks. People can choose their own task, take the note, and you can see what remains to be done.
- Ask for help!
Be prepared:
- Make a checklist for shopping and prep.
- Stock up ahead of time.
- Create index cards for each holiday with a menu and shopping list.
- Toss dirty dishes in a laundry basket and hide them in the bathtub before guests arrive.
- Keep your house “company ready” (with a baseline of cleanliness and some snacks and drinks on hand) so that it’s easy to invite friends over. (Need inspiration for clearing clutter? Check out Outer Order, Inner Calm.)
- For kids’ birthday parties, the night before, pre-scoop ice cream into cupcake liners and put them in the freezer on a baking sheet.
- Have a birthday box containing everything you need for a birthday party in one place: balloons, a reusable happy birthday sign, birthday candles, photo props, streamers etc.
- Run the dishwasher and empty it before guests arrive so you have somewhere to put dirty dishes as the night goes on.
Lower the bar:
- Embrace limitations, such as the number of people who will fit on your porch.
- Host a themed potluck.
- Invite another family over for take-out. Only one rule: you’re not allowed to clean up!
- Host an open-house cocktail party from 4-6 pm.
Make it easier:
- Choose a “signature” event to host a few times a year. You develop a system, and guests look forward to it.
- Nothing beats instant brownie mix: It’s easy to customize with different ice cream flavors or mix-ins.
- Try the Aussie way of entertaining: Bring your own meat and drinks.
- Ask each guest to bring a side dish, drink, or dessert so you only have to make the main dish.
- Serve tacos—they work for meat lovers, vegans, gluten free, dairy and nut allergies, and picky kids.
- In his book Your Invisible Network, Michael Melcher talks about being a “Secret Agent at a Party.” Make it your mission to make the party go better.
- Give yourself the job of Party Photographer.
What other hacks do you use to make entertaining easier or more fun? Entertaining should be…entertaining!
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I had a great time on my book tour for Life in Five Senses—I love getting the chance to talk to readers and listeners about a subject that still absolutely fascinates me.
Some highlights:
- On the Happier podcast, I talked about why “Wave” is my one-word theme for the year. One reason I chose “Wave” was because I was looking forward to being able to “wave” to people in public as I traveled around—and in fact, it was terrific to be able to say hello to so many readers and listeners.
- I got many excellent reading recommendations from readers, booksellers, and librarians, so my giant list is now even more giant. A few times, I couldn’t resist buying a book on the spot, which meant that my bulging carry-on bag was even more packed.
- I felt renewed appreciation for my beloved Uniqlo vest. It’s light, it’s warm, it has great pockets that hold a lot of stuff—I wore it every minute I wasn’t on stage.
- Many people had already taken the “What’s Your Neglected Sense?” quiz, so I had many interesting conversations about their results and responses.
- For this tour, to suit my subject, I chose very brightly colored outfits. Plus with just about every outfit, I was able to wear my new, favorite, gold shoes. Gold shoes feel very happy.
- Many people mentioned how much they like the endpapers of Life in Five Senses, which display some of my favorite five-senses-related quotations. I spent far too much time agonizing about what quotations to include, so I was pleased to hear that people appreciate this small touch.
- Hundreds of people signed up for my “Five Things Making Me Happier” newsletter, which made me very happy.
- People were also intrigued to hear about the hidden icon on the dust jacket! One of these icons is hidden in plain sight somewhere on the Life in Five Senses dust jacket—can you spot it?
- A few event organizers greeted me with a bottle of Diet Peach Snapple, a flavor I write about with great enthusiasm in Life in Five Senses. So fun.
- In a recent episode of the Happier podcast, I mention my new hack: While waiting for a flight, get some exercise by walking around the airport. Several times on this tour, I clocked more than 5,000 steps (true, I do like to arrive early at an airport.) I love to hear from readers and listeners, so if you have any experiences, observations, questions, and resources related to the five senses that you’d like to share, email me at info@gretchenrubin.com.
The post Highlights from the “Life in Five Senses” Book Tour appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Our digital devices are important tools for engagement, and they can be powerful aids for happiness—when used mindfully.
But, as most of us have experienced, spending hours staring at screens can leave us feeling disconnected, drained, or overwhelmed.
Technology is a good worker but a bad boss.
We connect to the world through our bodies, and by tapping in to our five senses, we can make our experiences of the physical world richer, more compelling, and more gratifying.
If you’re spending too much time looking down into a screen, and you want to lift your head up into the real world, consider these ideas:
- Turn your phone to “grayscale” so the display is limited to gray, black, and white
- Turn off your notifications sounds, so those pings and buzzes won’t interrupt your train of thought
- Use your lock screen to remind you of an important aim—use an image of a tree to remind you to go outside or the word “READ” to remind you that you’d rather be reading than scrolling
- Delete time-sucking apps, or make them less accessible by putting them inside a folder on your last home-screen page, so you have to touch the screen repeatedly to open them
- Use the Strategy of Scheduling: Schedule screen-free time in the evenings or on the weekends, plan dedicated times to check the news or social media
- Use the Strategy of Inconvenience: To focus, put your phone out of reach, not just out of sight
If you feel dazed from being stuck behind a screen, get a hit of the physical world by tapping into your senses:
- Smell something with a strong odor first with one nostril, then the other, to compare how each nostril registers a slightly different smell
- Squeak some cornstarch between your fingers
- Light a match and notice the sight, sound, smell, and touch (no tasting!)
- Hold an ice cube in your mouth
- Pet a dog or cat and really notice the texture of their fur
- Visit a place you often visit—a drugstore, a park, a friend’s kitchen—and tune in to your five senses
- Take a deep whiff of five items from your fridge or spice rack
- Tap in to your neglected sense for a new source of comfort, energy, or delight (don’t know your neglected sense? Take the quiz here)
- Make a tiny sculpture from tin foil
- Eat with your non-dominant hand
- Put on lip balm and really notice the texture The post Tips to Put Down Your Phone and Connect with the Real World appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
I narrated the audiobook for Life in Five Senses myself. I’ve recorded most of my previous books, and it’s always a fascinating process.
For three days, I sat in a small dark recording booth, carefully placed in front of a microphone with a pop filter (which I definitely need; I have an issue with plosives, I’ve been told).
My terrific director May Wuthrich—with whom I’ve worked many times—and engineer Zach Giberson sat in the next room, where I could see them through a soundproof glass window and talk to them through my mic and headphones.
Inside the booth, I read the book from a script on an iPad. I paused often to drink water to keep my mouth from going dry and to move my body to keep my energy high.
I had to keep reminding myself to relax in my seat. It takes tremendous concentration to read with expression and emotion, while articulating clearly, at the right pace (I tend to go too fast). Over and over, I’d find myself tensing up. That makes the process unnecessarily draining, so over and over, I reminded myself, “Drop your shoulders!”
My director had sent a list of 59 words she’d checked for pronunciation ahead of time—such as names of people (e.g., Dorothy Kunhardt), artworks (Sarcophagus of Harkhebit), places (Eleusis), materials (maiolica), foods (ke-tsiap sauce).
Despite the long list, we had to stop several times during the recording to check challenging words such as “centaur,” “aesthete,” “cumin,” “satiety,” “lazuli,” “Weimaraner,” “madeleine,” and “Worcestershire.”
Unfortunately for me, I found it hard to pronounce the ordinary word “tastes” clearly—a word that comes up often in the book, as you can imagine.
Pronunciation hack: Zach told me about “youglish.com,” a site that shows you clip after clip of videos where real people pronounce a certain word or name. From what I can tell, it does seem to favor clips from experts—and it also shows that there’s a lot of variation in how people pronounce a word.
I found this phrase to be a particular tongue-twister: “park’s refurbished spring landscape.” It took me five tries to get it right.
While recording, I experienced an amusing example of a sensory illusion related to how our brains match sights and sounds. When we watch a movie, the sound comes from speakers far from the screen, not from the actors’ mouths, but our brains move the sound to the correct place. In the same way, while recording, I heard May through my headphones but could see her through the soundproof glass of the studio booth, and my brain corrected the information, so her voice seemed to come to me through the glass.
I was encouraged when, after a break on the first day, Zach said to me, “I tried turning my phone to grayscale the way you talked about. That’s genius!” (Discussed on p. 54 in the book.)
Throughout the recordings, I kept a pillow in my lap. I know from experience that I have a tendency toward “stomach noises,” and a pillow muffles the sound. TMI?
One embarrassing thing happens every time I record one of my books: I have to stop because I’m overcome with emotion. For Life in Five Senses, I had to take a break several times while recording the last few pages. I wrote those words, I’ve read and edited them dozens of times, yet when I read them aloud, I still got choked up.
The very last line of the book was very tricky to deliver. When you look at a copy yourself, I think you’ll understand why it was hard to read aloud those words in the way to capture the experience of reading them to yourself.
This actually wasn’t the first time I’d read much of the book aloud. As one of the last stages of my editing process, I read aloud all important passages, as well as those that were particularly tricky to write. Reading aloud is a great way to catch issues such as wordiness, accidental rhyme or alliteration, repeated words, poor rhythm, or general clunkiness.
Want to see more behind-the-scenes footage from the recording studio? Watch this short video.
People sometimes ask, “Does it count as ‘reading’ a book if you listen to the audiobook?” In my view—absolutely!
If you’d like to order a print copy Life in Five Senses or the audiobook, you can find information and purchase links here.
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One of my aphorisms is “Sometimes we can minister to the spirit through the body, and sometimes we can minister to the body through the spirit.”
If you want to give a thoughtful gift, a whimsical gift, or a useful gift, or you want to make a loving gesture, consider items that stimulate or comfort the five senses.
Note: Some of the links to products in this article are affiliate links. That means I may earn a commission if you click through and buy any product, at no additional cost to you. Many of these items I’ve bought for myself or as gifts throughout my research into the five senses.
Gifts for the sense of sight: Art book * Puzzle * Framed personal photo * John Derian Sticker Book or the Smithsonian’s Cabinet of Curiosities* sticker book * Suncatcher for the window * A nice set of colored pens * Handheld pocket game, such as this or this * Brightly colored umbrella * Book of optical illusions * Books of gift-wrapping or scrapbooking paper in gorgeous designs (such as this, this, or this) * Pantone Postcards * Colorful dinnerware such as Hellerware or Fiesta Ware * Mini Watercolor Set * Flying Wish Paper * Snow globe
Gifts for the sense of sound: * The Gift of a Podcast * Wind chimes * Tabletop fountain * Bird call whistle * “Record your own message” ornament, book, or picture frame * Hand-cranked music box * Party crackers * Noise-canceling earbuds * Playlist * Concert tickets * Otamatone electronic instrument * Koshi chimes
Gifts for the sense of smell: Essential oil set * Potpourri * Scented candle * Fresh flowers * Pillow spray * Smelling salts/ammonia inhalants * Incense such as Ha Ko Paper Incense or Incienso de Santa Fe * Coffee beans * Luxurious soap * The Essential Scratch & Sniff Guide to Becoming a Wine Expert: Take a Whiff of That, by Richard Betts * The Essential Scratch & Sniff Guide to Becoming a Whiskey Know-It-All: Know Your Booze Before You Choose, by Richard Betts * The Scratch & Sniff Guide to Beer: A Beer Lover’s Companion*, by Justin Kennedy * Pomander ball (easy to make) * For people who don’t like scented items, a lavender plant or potted herbs
Gifts for the sense of taste: * Nice coffee or tea * Reusable ice cubes * Tasting sampler, for instance, for cheese or honey * Szechuan flowers (also called “buzz buttons”) * Recipe and ingredients for a special dish * Mints or candies
Gifts for the sense of touch:* Gift certificate for a massage * A classic game that involves touch, such as dominos, jacks, or mahjong * Mini puzzles * “Sensitive” plants with leaves that respond to touch * Shashibo Shape Shifting Box * Pinch Me Therapy dough * Colorforms * Silly Putty * Neck and shoulder microwavable heating pad * Playable Art Ball * Magnetic sculpture toy * Scalp massager * Kinetic Sand * Sheepskin throw * MoMA’s Architect’s Cubes * Weighted blanket * Custom Calm Strips * FlexiKold gel ice pack * Folding paper origami models * Donation—to “touch the lives of others”
Sensory gifts are great for everyone, whether for a birthday, a care package, or to say “I’m thinking of you.” It’s always helpful, too, to choose a gift that’s tailored to a person’s interests or lifestyle.
Five-senses gifts for her:Some gifts have proved especially popular for occasions such as Mother’s Day—and are great for anyone:
- Flowering plant
- Card embedded with wildflower seeds
- Lovepop card
- Bath bombs
- Dermora foot peel mask
- Craft kit, like pottery or needlepoint
- Exquisite chocolates
- Luxurious shower gel or lotion like Embryolisse Lait-Crème concentre
- Sticker & Chill repositionable sticker book
- Sachets of fragrant herbs
- Folding paper vase or honeycomb decorations
Five-senses gifts for him:Some five-senses have proved especially popular for occasions such as Father’s Day—and are great for anyone:
- Binoculars
- Telescope
- Salt sampler
- Cashmere socks
- Smart home device
- Wine
- Bitters sampler set
- Interesting spices
- Theragun
- Fancy shaving cream
- Grooming kit
- Coffee
- Crazy Aaron’s Thinking Putty
- Bonsai tree
Five-senses gifts for gradsThese five-senses gift ideas are perfect for teens or recent graduates, to fill their dorm room or desk with inspiration.
Sight:* Creative enamel pin like this color wheel pin * Set of fun postcards or notecards * String of twinkle lights * Polaroid camera * Movie tickets * Blue light blocking glasses * Color-Changing Compact Umbrella * Sleep mask * Prism * Fine set of colored pencils or markers * Light box * Hues and Clues board game * Terrarium * Flower press * Newton’s cradle * Eskesen floating action pens
Sound:* Waterproof mini bluetooth speaker * Concert tickets * Ukulele * Headphones * Record player
Smell:* Scented soap * Fragrance jewelry by Lisa Hoffman * Car air freshener * Perfume sampler
Taste:* Mug cake kit * Gift card to a restaurant * Subscription boxes of sweet and salty snacks from around the world * mBerry Miracle Fruit tablets * Icebreaker mints
Touch:* Set of cosmetics brushes * Temporary tattoos from Tattly * Face mask * Fidget spinner * GloFX Flow Ring * FlexiKold gel ice pack * Velvet pillow * Soft blanket * Stress ball * Pin Art * Notes to Self socks * Super-soft sweat pants * Wool Buddies felting kit * Grooming kit * Manicure set * Plush bathrobe * Squishy Bread Loaf or Squishy Birthday Cake * Electric scooter * Flippable sequin pillow
Five-senses gifts for kidsThese toys, games, instruments, and activities engage kids’ senses, inspire creative play, and will keep them busy for hours. Adults enjoy these items, as well!
Sight: Rainbow Twirler * Kaleidoscope * Mood ring * Glow-in-the-dark anything * Dollhouse * Pop-up book * Lite Brite * Plastic prism glasses * Parent-child coloring book * This Book Is a Planetarium* by Kelli Anderson * Sparking wheel * Confetti * Sparklers * Night Light Projector * Spirograph * Outline Pens * Trick relighting candles * Shrinky Dinks * Pinwheel
Sound:* Harmonica * Slide whistle * Kazoo * Wind-up music box * Whistle * Recorder instrument * Walki-talkies * Children’s play-a-sound books * Whoopie cushion * Xylophone * Rock and Roll It Rainbow Piano
Smell: Sentosphere’s Follow Your Nose game
* Scratch-n-sniff stickers like Scentos, Stink Factory, or Everything Smells
* Scented markers
* The Very Hungry Caterpillar’s Garden Picnic: A Scratch-and-Sniff Book*
by Eric Carle
Taste: Freeze-dried strawberries * Bean Boozled Jelly Beans * Easy Bake Oven * Astronaut ice cream * Hello, Cupcake!* cookbook * Gingerbread house kit
Touch: Slinky * Children’s touch-and-feel books * Sidewalk chalk * Play-Doh * Etch A Sketch * Whimsical erasers * Slime * Board games such as Mouse Trap, Operation, Twister and Hi Ho! Cherry-O * LEGO set * Hula hoop * Piñata * Magic grow capsules * Booboo bear * Janet & Allan Ahlberg’s picture book The Jolly Postman * Dorothy Kunhardt’s Pat the Bunny* * Wikki stix * Model Magic * B’loonies * Boomerang * Water guns * Magic kit * Prank kit * Spinning top * Gyroscope * Juggling balls
When I want to give a gift, but am stumped for a good idea, considering the five senses often gives me inspiration. There’s something concrete about thinking about “taste” or “touch” that unleashes my creativity in thinking of an item that would be unexpected but welcome.
And with the five senses, we can find ideas that are inexpensive or luxurious; calming or energizing; whimsical or fine. We can find gift ideas for co-workers, family members, old friends or new acquaintances, and for grab bags—and at every price point.
What great ideas did I skip?
Also, in my book Life in Five Senses, I describe how I gave a “sensorium gift” to a friend who was going through a very tough time. I decided to assemble a sensorium gift for my friend to please or ease each of her five senses:
- Sight: A set of beautiful colored pencils
- Sound: A tiny hand-cranked music box that played the song “You Are My Sunshine”
- Smell: A box of three small candles, each with a different scent
- Taste: A sampler of salts
- Touch: A soft, light throw blanket in a deep blue
As I packed these items to mail to my friend, I was reminded of one of my favorite passages from Ann Patchett’s extraordinary memoir, Truth & Beauty:
I figured even if I couldn’t make Lucy deeply happy, I could provide the kind of happiness that would seem hollow if we had the money or the time to stay in it too long…I booked Lucy a massage and had her eyelashes dyed. I took her for a pedicure. I bought her the best pâté I could find in Nashville along with Spaghetti-O’s and Hungry Jack biscuits and everything else I knew she liked. We went to a bad movie and then stayed for a second bad movie. I took her shopping and bought her whatever she wanted. And she was happy, and I was happy.
While bodily pleasures may be fleeting, they do bring their own energy and comfort.
The post Five Senses Gift Ideas appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Nearing the end of April, Happier app users around the world participating in the “Go Outside 23 in ’23” Challenge have logged nearly three million minutes outside…
- Getting sunlight to improve mood and sleep cycles
- Being in nature to encourage calm, creativity, and mindfulness
- Doing physical activity to support health and energy levels
When we spend time outside, good things happen. Gold star to everyone who has gotten outside in 2023.
Finding the tools that workWhen it comes to building habits, different tools and strategies work for different people, and Happier app users are relying on a diverse set of tools to track their progress. The key is finding a tool that works for you.
A helpful starting point is to identify your Tendency—how you respond to inner and outer expectations. Looking at the Tendencies represented in the Happier app users offers some interesting insights:
- Obligers, who readily meet outer expectations, often benefit from accountability when trying to meet inner expectations. More Obligers use the Accountability Partners tool than any other Tendency.
- Questioners have a more even spread across the different tools than the other Tendencies. Rather than selecting the tool recommended for them by the app, they’re weighing the options and selecting the tool that works best for them.
- Upholders are more likely to select the Don’t Break the Chain tool than any other Tendency. This is the tool recommended for Upholders by the app because it sets clear expectations and gives you a satisfying check mark.
- Rebels resist all kinds of expectations—they appreciate choices and spontaneity. More than half of Rebel app users have chosen the Photo Log to track their progress, a tool that allows for flexibility and creativity. They’re also the only Tendency for which Don’t Break the Chain was not the most popular tool.
When we find a tool or strategy that works for us, we can apply that self-knowledge to other aims and cultivate an atmosphere of growth that is a key to happiness.
Cultivating an Atmosphere of GrowthTo be happier, we need to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth. This means pursuing aims that help us feel positive emotions, eliminate sources of negative emotions, enact our values, and find experiences of growth, learning, and teaching.
Often, building one habit boosts our feeling of self-control, and helps reinforce other foundational habits. For instance, going outside and getting sunlight and exercise helps people sleep—and sleep helps people do everything better.
More than 60% of those participating in the “Go Outside 23 in ’23” Challenge are tracking multiple aims using the Happier app, building habits that make them happier and healthier.
Want to see more? Download the full infographic here.
Join the ChallengeIt’s not too late to join the “Go Outside 23 in ’23” Challenge. Now is always the best time to begin, and every entry in the Happier app counts toward our goal to unlock a donation to One Tree Planted. Learn more about the challenge, and download the Happier app for free.
The post How People Are Getting Outside for the 23 in ’23 Challenge appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
One of the best ways to recall happy times is to view and hold mementos and keepsakes. We use physical items to remind us of the people, places, and activities we love.
Whether these objects take the form of souvenirs, photos, children’s art, or well-loved clothing, they connect us to important memories.
However, because mementos hold special meaning, it’s easy to accumulate too many. It’s one thing to recycle junk mail; it’s another to toss your child’s kindergarten artwork.
The key to clearing sentimental clutter? Focus on curating your keepsakes, so that you keep only the most meaningful and evocative items. (And, when possible, smaller items.)
Research shows that recalling happy memories increases positive emotions and decreases negative emotions such as stress and loneliness. Mementos are a powerful way to keep those happy memories vivid.
Perhaps paradoxically, having fewer mementos allows us to evoke more memories, because each item has been carefully chosen. When we’re less overwhelmed by the sheer volume of items, and we keep only the ones with deep meaning, we’re better able to appreciate each one.
This spring, clear sentimental clutter using the following tips.
Nine Tips for Curating Your Keepsakes:
- Make a plan. Set aside dedicated time to edit your mementos and make the activity itself meaningful. Consider asking a friend or family member to join you—it often helps to have someone listen to the memories evoked by an item. After revisiting your associations behind certain possessions, it can become easier to choose which ones to keep.
- Give to a good home. It’s much easier to let go of items when we can envision others getting good use from them, so identify people and organizations who will appreciate your contributions.
- Get creative with photo displays. To get more memories from photos, create a rotating gallery of seasonal photos. You might curate a holiday gallery, a vacation gallery, or a back-to-school gallery. Every year, I put out a Valentine’s Day gallery and a Halloween gallery. Because these photos appear only for a short time, we notice them more—and then we make room for other photos, with different memories attached.
- Take a photo of an object, then get rid of the object. Sometimes, all we want is a memory prompt, and a photo can do that just as well as an actual item. And it takes up much less room! Speaking of which…
- Think small. I asked myself, “Do I need to keep this enormous desk to remind me of my grandfather, or can I keep his pocket watch?” I chose the pocket watch. It serves just as well as a reminder, but fits on a shelf instead of taking up half a room.
- Choose one representative item (or a few). If you have several objects that are important for the same emotional reason—such as old college t-shirts—identify your favorite and get rid of the others. You don’t need multiple mementos, just one iconic thing. Of my big collection of childhood dolls and stuffed animals, I keep three. I display them on a shelf, so I see them all the time; if I kept two big boxes of my old toys, they’d be stuck in storage where I’d never look at them.
- Frame or display paper mementos. Playbills, postcards, handwritten letters, children’s artwork, or holiday cards—select the most visually pleasing or meaningful, and frame them as art. Highlighting your favorites makes it easier to recycle the rest. Alternatively, you might select several paper keepsakes per year and file them by date.
- Do a digital edit. Thanks to the ease of taking photos with our smartphones, we store far more visual memories than we need. Set aside a regular time to edit your phone’s photos. Delete duplicates, screenshots, closed eyes, and anything that you don’t need to revisit.
- Create a collection. Arrange items on a tray, shelf, or in a basket. These keepsakes should be carefully curated—a dozen seashells, not one hundred—and ideally small in size. By creating a visually-pleasing display, you’ll appreciate these reminders more.
As you clear out sentimental clutter, watch out for items that feel meaningful but don’t actually hold significance for you. Two chief culprits? Inherited items and gifts.
Inherited items: Maybe you inherited a big box of family photographs but you don’t recognize anyone in the pictures.Or your mother gave you her old set of holiday china, which she loved but that you don’t really care for.
Gifts: Maybe you’re keeping a gift you don’t need, use, or love out of respect for the giver. Be honest about what items hold value and which items are merely taking up space.
Don’t save mementos that hold no memories for you.
If you’ve curated your collection of keepsakes but are struggling with how to organize them, consider using the Memento Keepsake Journal.
This journal is made for those who want to collect tangible representations of their memories, but are overwhelmed by the prospect of organizing or scrapbooking. The Memento Keepsake Journal provides safekeeping pockets to help you curate the most meaningful mementos, with space on every page to add notes, photos, and stickers to take the guesswork out of your personal storytelling. Use this journal to save family memories, records from school, travel souvenirs, artifacts from your year, or any other keepsake you’d like to save.
What strategies do you use to clear nostalgic or sentimental clutter? Do you find that saving fewer mementos enhances your appreciation of them?
The post Nine Tips for Tackling Sentimental Clutter This Spring appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
If you’re looking for ways to boost your happiness in the present, try reflecting on happy memories from your past.
Recent findings on nostalgia suggest it can help us become happier. While “nostalgia” is, by definition, a blend of positive and negative emotion, the positive tends to outweigh the negative.
Reflecting on happy memories can help us to:
- feel a greater sense of well-being
- feel less lonely
- give us a sense of continuity in our lives
- make us more optimistic about relationships and more eager to connect
- feel more connected to the past
Often, however, we may have a happy memory—but we forget that we have it! Because we don’t try to dredge up the memory of our grandparents’ kitchen, or our favorite college class, we don’t access those memories.
A quick, easy way to evoke memories is to tap in to our five senses.
When writer Marcel Proust ate a tea-soaked madeleine cookie, he was famously flooded by memories of the past, and today the “Proust effect” refers to an intense, emotional memory sparked by the senses.
Our five senses link us to our past, tie us to the present, and help us create memories for the future. They even help us conjure up memories that we’ve forgotten that we possessed—and to recall a pleasure is to experience it twice.
Asking people about their sensory memories is a great way to get to know them better. Even a question as simple as “Growing up, what was your favorite candy?” helps me feel closer to other people.
Sight* Get out a photo album and look at each photo closely. Don’t just look at the faces, but also look at the clothes, the decoration of the room or the outdoor scene. Note how dated (or not) things look. Try to recall the memory of the moment when the picture was taken. * Try to recall your childhood bedroom * Review old photographs, home movies, yearbooks, and other souvenirs * Look online to find photos of places you’ve lived in the past * Walk through a neighborhood where you used to live to see how it has changed * Go on a “memory visit.” So relax in a quiet place, choose a place from your childhood, and imagine yourself walking through it. Really open the front door, step in, and look around. Take your time.
Sound* Recall some auditory memories. In grade school, what was the sound of the bell that announced the end of class (was there a bell)? What was the theme song of your favorite TV show? * Make a list of sounds or songs you associate with different periods of your life * To listen to the most popular music of different years, check out The Nostalgia Machine, thenostalgiamachine.com
Smell* Reminisce with others about the smells of grade school, high school, etc * Are there any smells that instantly evoke strong memories for you? * Have you or someone close to you ever had a signature perfume or cologne? * Make a list of smells associated with your favorite holidays * Try to recall the smell of your grandparents’ kitchen?
Taste* As a child, did you have a favorite junk food that your parents refused to buy? * Invite friends or family to share their experiences and memories around food, and sample those tastes together * Write a Tastes Timeline of your life–of the flavors you most associate with different periods * Fix an old family recipe * What did you eat for breakfast as a child? * Is there a specialty food that you eat only when you visit your hometown? * Identify one of your favorite foods from childhood and make a plan to eat it again
Touch* As a child, did you have a favorite soft stuffed animal or blanket? * Are there any touch sensations you remember especially vividly–sanded wallpaper, cold floor, favorite T-shirt from college?
Sharing these sense-memories with other people is a great way to connect, so you might reminisce with family or friends. You might also want to experience again sensations from your past—to walk through an old neighborhood, buy a favorite snack from grade school. If you’re writing or presenting information, think about including information about the five senses to make your work more concrete.
During an experience—a birthday party, a museum visit, a day with family members—try to identify the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and textures you’re experiencing. This exercise will make the experience far more vivid—and so it will be easier to recall the memory later.
By tapping in to our five senses, we can connect more easily with happy memories from our past—and in that way, become happier in the present.
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One of my favorite happiness-project resolutions is to “Celebrate minor holidays,” and one of my favorite minor holidays is April Fools’ Day.
I always try to prank members of my family—in an easy, fun, gentle way. Nothing too upsetting—and nothing very taxing for me to set up.
I’ve turned a carton of milk bright green with food dye, frozen a bowl of cereal, and posted a giant photo of swimming fish inside my daughter’s toilet bowl.
As I write about in my new book Life in Five Senses, last year I used “Gelling Joke” to turn my daughter Eleanor’s beverage into (non-toxic) sludge. Even I was startled by how effective this stuff is!
This year, I was out of ideas, so I asked listeners of the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast for their suggestions.
I asked for pranks that made use of the five senses, but as I read people’s answers, I realized that many April Fools’ pranks play on the five senses, by confounding our expectations in some way.
Something doesn’t taste the way we expect, or it doesn’t look the way we expect, or it’s a surprising color, or it pops out unexpectedly…that’s the fun of the prank!
A different kind of prank is by surprising someone with (false) information.
Once, on a family spring-break trip, I told my young daughters that they couldn’t use the pool, because it had to be drained for some reason. They were so disappointed, but tried to be so reasonable about it! I broke down and told them the truth right away. Now I prefer sensory pranks.
Here are some of my favorites ideas from listeners, which are all of the sensory kind:
- Turn every piece of clothing in the drawers and closet inside out. Bonus hack: A year later, you can identify and donate any unworn, still inside-out clothes.
- Eat dessert before dinner.
- Cut out many of the letter “E” from brown paper, put them in a pan covered in foil, and offer your family or coworkers some delicious “brown-Es.”
- A classic: short-sheeting.
- Hide card stock between the frosting and cookie of an Oreo.
- Save packages from the mail and place a huge stack of empty boxes outside the front door, to make your family think you’ve gone on a giant spree.
- On the toilet-paper roll, draw a spider with a Sharpie or glue a plastic spider, so that it will pop out whenever someone pulls the paper.
- Switch bags of cereal into different boxes, so that when a family member pours out their favorite cereal, the wrong kind lands in their bowl.
- Put googly eyes on things all around the house. [This is my very favorite idea!]
- Put a drop of food coloring in the bottom of a glass, so that when a beverage is poured in, it magically turns into another color. [Food dye is a great tool for the April Fools’ trickster.]
- Swap vanilla frosting for toothpaste.
- Shape Starbursts into “baby carrots.”
- Fill a cardboard box with dirt and decorate it like a cake.
- Substitute sugar for salt or vice versa, swap mayonnaise for pudding, or use shaving cream in place of whipped cream.
- Swap items in a homemade school lunch with wrapped wood blocks or fake food (but don’t forget to include lunch money).
- Breakfast for dinner, or dinner for breakfast.
For more ideas, take a look:
- 20 Best April Fool’s Pranks to Try This Year
- 16 Best April Fool’s Pranks to Pull on Your Family and Friends
I love these kind of fun, easy traditions. They build happiness because they mark the passage of time in a special way, they’re memorable, they’re light-hearted, and they contribute to a sense of group identity. The things that go wrong often make the best memories—even if those things are intentionally “wrong.”
And anything that makes us laugh is good!
What are some of your favorite April Fools’ Day pranks—either ones that you’ve played on others, or that others have played on you?
The post 16 April Fools’ Day Prank Ideas to Trick the Senses appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
These days, it’s all too easy to feel stuck in your head or trapped behind a screen. You might feel disconnected from your body or the world around you, or as though time is slipping away.
One cure? Tap in to your five senses.
There are many easy, quick steps you can take to enhance your senses—and by strengthening your awareness and appreciation of your senses, you’ll make your life happier and richer.
Boosting your senses will help you to…
- stay focused and productive
- connect more deeply with other people
- evoke and create strong, vivid memories
- spark creativity
- have fun
- feel calmer, less stressed, and more energetic
- be present in the moment and appreciate the ordinary
How to strengthen your sensesTo boost your senses, you can experiment with a variety of approaches:
- Immersion—immerse yourself in one or more of your senses
- Deprivation—deprive yourself of a sense to heighten your awareness of it
- Knowledge—take a class, read up; the more you know, the more you notice
- Splurge—make a modest purchase of something gives you pleasure or comfort through one of your senses
- Confound—do something to startle or surprise your senses
- Notice—take the time to pay attention to the ordinary experiences that are easy to ignore
How to heighten your sense of sight* Turn your smartphone to “grayscale” so that the screen appears in black, white, and gray. Depriving yourself of color will make you aware of its power. * Splurge on a set of colored pens, so you can enjoy colors beyond black and blue when you’re writing. * Look closely at something that’s usually in the background and notice shapes, colors, patterns—a pet’s fur, a painted wall, wood grain in the floorboards or table, a house plant, the packaging of an everyday item.
How to heighten your sense of hearing Turn off your devices’ notification sounds so you can focus on what you want* to hear without being distracted by pings or buzzes. * Deprive yourself of the sounds of conversation by scheduling a day of silence, when you don’t talk to anyone, listen to music or podcasts, or watch TV or movies. * Notice how music can change your mood, then create an “Audio Apothecary” playlist of energetic, upbeat songs to play when you’re feeling low
How to heighten your sense of smell* A tip I learned from perfumers: Run up and down the stairs a few times. The exercise will increase blood flow to your nose and strengthen your sense of smell. * Take a deep sniff of a strong smell (a bottle of capers, a clove of garlic) first with one nostril, then with the other, to appreciate how each nostril perceives a slightly different smell. * Notice the smell of a place you often visit: hardware store, liquor store, department store, ice-cream parlor, coffee shop, library, pet store.
How to heighten your sense of taste* Pinch your nose closed, then take a bite of something with a strong flavor, such as a chocolate bar. Notice the taste—then unplug your nose, and notice how much more complex that flavor becomes. Without the sense of smell, we taste only sweet, sour, salty, bitter, and umami. We need smell for complex flavors. * Confound your tongue by trying the “miracle berry,” a tablet that you pop into your mouth to make sour things taste sweet. * Put a dollop of Heinz Ketchup on your tongue and try to distinguish sweet, salty, bitter, umami, and sour. (Then try to think of anything else that manages to combine all five tastes.)
How to heighten your sense of touch* Give a loving touch to another person—appropriately, of course—with a hug, handshake, fist bump, or pat on the back. Notice how physical touch changes your emotional response. * Make a modest splurge by buying a fun touch toy, such as a pop toy, fidget spinner, therapy dough, kinetic sand, or Silly Putty. * Make a non-Newtonian fluid out of cornstarch to be confounded by its strange qualities.
There are also a few general behaviors that will strengthen your senses, as well as make you generally healthier:
- Quit smoking
- Exercise regularly
When you make the effort to strengthen your senses, you’ll feel more connected to the world, to other people, and to yourself.
Many of us have foreground senses and background senses; we appreciate some senses, but neglect others. Take the free, quick quiz to identify your neglected sense, and get concrete ideas for tapping into this sense to have more fun, love, energy, and calm.
By going through your body, you can reach your spirit, and through your spirit, you can reach your body.
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Introducing my new quiz: The Five-Senses Quiz: What’s Your Neglected Sense?
We’re all familiar with the five senses—what could be called the Aristotelian Senses or the Kindergarten Senses: seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and touching.
In recent times, researchers have identified many additional senses, such as proprioception, equilibrioception, and interoception. While every sense contributes to our experience, and is fascinating in its own right, these more subtle senses run in the background. Typically we notice them only when they break down.
We pay a lot of attention, however, to the Big Five.
However, even with the Big Five, I’ve noticed, many of us have foreground senses and background senses; we appreciate some senses, but neglect others.
With an appreciated sense, we pay attention; we seek new experiences; we enjoy talking and learning about that sense.
With a neglected sense, we’re much less interested; we rarely turn to it for pleasure or comfort, we don’t spend time exploring or cultivating it. We may be more concerned with avoiding the negative than appreciating the positive.
One of my aims in writing my new book, Life in Five Senses, was to identify, and learn to appreciate, my own neglected sense.
It was very useful to get this insight into myself, because I was able to use this self-knowledge as a shortcut to a richer life.
Why identify your neglected sense?By tapping into a neglected sense, I discovered a new source of comfort, calm, and creativity; I ventured on fresh experiences that delighted me, and perhaps most important, I found opportunities to engage with other people.
I learned that identifying your neglected sense. . .
- Helps explain why you’re attracted to certain purchases, practices, and habits—and why you’re not attracted
- Gives you clues about the types of activities that you might find or more or less appealing
- Suggests new experiences you might enjoy
- Provides new ways to connect with others
- Explains why you might experience conflict with other people—and suggest how you might resolve those conflicts
- Gives you a new tool to add to your self-care toolbox
However, it’s not always easy to identify a neglected sense. To help you identify yours, I’ve created a free, quick quiz.
The quiz will identify your most neglected sense and provide a list of concrete ideas for tapping into this sense to have more fun, love, energy, and calm.
Take the Five-Senses Quiz: What’s Your Most Neglected Sense?Now more than ever, it’s easy to get stuck in our heads or behind a screen, and forget to engage with the world around us. It’s also easy to fall into ruts of experience. Tapping into a neglected sense can awaken our mindfulness and revive our sense of excitement, connection, and wonder.
Of course, even apart from our different mix of appreciated and neglected senses, we all inhabit different sensory worlds.
We each live in our own body, the one assigned to us by fate and shaped by our history; each of us engages with the world through our own particular complement of senses, whatever those might be.
For some people, a sensation may feel overwhelming, while another barely registers. As writer Zora Neale Hurston observed, “Every man’s spice-box seasons his own food.”
Acknowledging that people experience sensations in different ways can help us all be more understanding—not to dismiss people’s objections to sights, sounds, smells, tastes, or touches, but instead to respect them so that we can create sensory environments in which everyone can feel comfortable.
The post What’s Your Neglected Sense? appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
When I started writing my book Life in Five Senses, I knew that, for me, one of my neglected senses was my sense of hearing. I wanted to learn more to tune in to my hearing—and to do that, music seemed like the obvious place to begin.
All human societies have music, and music plays an important role in activities as varied as dancing, physical work, military exercises, and religious observances. Music can help us stay calm, manage pain, stay focused, and feel energized. It can make exertion seem less strenuous—which is why so many people listen to music when they exercise.
Despite these reasons, and despite the fact that music is so universally popular, I almost never listened to music. However, because I knew that listening to an upbeat song was an easy way to get a quick hit of energy and cheer, I decided to create an “Audio Apothecary,” a special playlist of songs that gave me a boost.
For inspiration, I went to YouTube to listen to Dolly Parton singing “Mule Skinner Blues.” It made me so happy to hear this cheerful, yodeling song—hey, hey! That song was my first addition to my Audio Apothecary. Over time, I added more songs, such as:
- “You’re Dead,” Norma Tanega
- “You Really Got Me,” The Kinks
- “Pon de Replay,” Rihanna
- “Not Fade Away,” Buddy Holly & the Crickets
It’s fun to create a playlist to create whatever mood you want evoke, such as…
- Happy and energetic
- Meditative
- Confident and powerful
- Nostalgic—check out the Nostalgia Machine for ideas
Listening to a favorite song gives us a hit of dopamine—just like winning a bet or biting into a chocolate bar. Even better, we can indulge in music as much as we want. Unlike many treats, music is healthy even in large doses (as long as the volume isn’t turned up too loud).
If you want to listen to my “Audio Apothecary,” it’s available on Spotify. You can listen for free.
- Open Spotify
- Click on “Search” to search for “gretchenrubin” (no space)
- Click the “Profiles” button on the top bar
- Click on “gretchenrubin” and then “Gretchen Rubin’s Audio Apothecary”
To create your own Audio Apothecary, first identify the mood you want to evoke. If you listen to music often, pay attention to how each song makes you feel, and add songs to your playlist over time.
If you don’t listen to music regularly, start with one song—it might be a favorite from high school, a track from a movie, or something you heard on the radio—and look for similar or “suggested” songs on whichever audio player you use. Download a song identification app to help you make note of songs you hear out in the wild.
If you’d like to learn more about tuning in to your five senses for energy, calm, creativity, luck, and love, take a look at my book Life in Five Senses.
The post Why and How You Might Create an “Audio Apothecary” appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Visiting a museum to look at art can be an intimidating or overwhelming experience.
Most of us aren’t experts, and we might think that we’re not looking at the art in the “right” way. But there’s no one right way to look at art!
When I was writing my new book Life in Five Senses, I decided to challenge myself to visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art every day for a year. (I’m extremely fortunate to live within walking distance of the Met.)
That year is over, and now I’m on my third year of going to the Met every day. I love these visits! One nice thing: because I go every day, and I’ve joined as a member, my visits can be as long or as short as I want.
As I made my visits, I found many ways to help me look at the art with fresh eyes. Whether you’re visiting a small local gallery or a huge museum, and whether you’re a frequent art appreciator or looking for somewhere to start, try these suggestions to help you slow down, notice details, and experience art in a new way.
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Search for a specific color. For instance, you might choose a particular Pantone color, such as the Color of the Year, and look for it.
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Look for things that surprise you—in the Met, I was surprised to see how often the Buddha is depicted with a mustache (but why not?)
- Imagine what you would create to sell in the gift shop.
- Walk across the room to look at an object from a distance.
- Stand near to an object to examine it closely.
- Look at a single object for thirty minutes.
- Look in the object’s corners and edges.
- Buy a postcard of an object, then compare the postcard to the actual object.
- Read the label.
- To look more carefully at a color, make a small circle with your fingers and isolate it from its context (a color often isn’t what we assume it is).
- Identify distinctions among similar items—Greek vases, Egyptian amulets.
- Look at an artwork in a hand mirror, to see it reduced and reversed.
- Squint at an artwork, so details vanish to reveal a simpler composition of shape and color.
- Hold up a hand to block one part of the work, to see how its absence affects everything else.
- Search for a tiny detail that’s easy to overlook.
- Listen to music as you look at the art, to create a soundtrack to the experience.
- Read a book, watch a movie, or see a play that mentions an artwork, then go look at it for yourself—such as the novels The Goldfinch, Girl with a Pearl Earring, or The Second Mrs. Gioconda.
- Use the audio guide.
- Look for what space has been left empty.
- Search for a particular element throughout the collection—at the Met, I look for swans, items with supernatural powers, mistakes, skulls, frogs.
- Examine the frame.
- Look for any anything that breaks the frame.
- Look for shifts in scale.
- Look at the “negative space,” the space around an artwork or an image depicted by the work.
- Pay attention to how the soundscape of an area—noisy, quiet, echoing, muffled—influences the way you see.
- Look for triangles, squares, rectangles, circles.
- In portraits, look for the “catchlight” in a sitter’s eyes—the tiny white specks that show light reflecting off the shiny eyes of the subject.
- Ask other people to tell you their favorite artworks, then go look at them (we’re always interested to know what others find interesting).
- Look for particularly spectacular color combinations.
- Consider the relationship of the title to the artwork—I’ve always loved the painting and title of Charles Demuth’s I Saw the Figure 5 in Gold.
- Puzzle out the meaning of symbols and iconography.
- Look for elements of nature in the museum’s galleries: water, plants, sunlight.
- Find five pieces featured on items in the gift shop, then go look at the actual pieces.
- In each room, choose your favorite artwork.
- Create something based on a piece of art that resonates with you—a sketch, a story, a reimagining—or simply take notes on your thoughts and observations.
During my visits, I really enjoyed giving myself these kinds of visual assignments. I noticed more, and I had more fun, as I walked from Egyptian Art to Arms and Armor to the Damascus Room.
If you’d like more ideas about how to look at art, check out “Don’t ‘get’ art? You might be looking at it wrong.”
I like any exercise that gives me more appreciation for the world around me.
The post 35 Ways to Look at Art appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
We hear a lot of talk about creativity—but what is creativity, and why do we want it? Though some people may dismiss creativity as something that concerns only artists, many aspects of everyday life allow us to use our creativity.
What is creativity?Creativity is the ability to generate new, original ideas. It allows us to spot fresh solutions to problems, think outside the box, imagine new possibilities, and dream up new stories and new experiences to share.
Being creative means living in an atmosphere of growth, which is one of the key elements of a happy life. We’re happier when we’re growing.
People who exercise their creativity tend to be more productive, more energetic, more innovative—and creativity makes us happier.
Of course, creative work may also lead to feelings of frustration, insecurity, and discouragement! Being creative often means struggling to master new tools, trying and failing to achieve an idea, and receiving criticism.
But the fact is, happiness doesn’t always make us feel happy, and even if it’s not always easy, expressing our creativity is tremendously satisfying.
Why should we try to boost our creativity?We might want to boost our creativity better to be able to create something of interest, such as…
- Writing a family holiday newsletter
- Designing our physical self-presentation: outfits, tattoos, hair, make-up
- Choosing a fantasy-football team
- Throwing a party
- Dreaming up a new marketing strategy
- Finding a new way to engage a student, client, or customer who is losing interest
Or we might want to boost our creativity better to be able to solve a problem in an innovative way, such as…
- Figuring out how to organize all the stuff that’s stored in the garage
- Re-thinking how to schedule team meetings when some people are working remotely while others are physically present
- Planning the perfect family trip
- Settling a disagreement between two co-workers in a way that satisfies both of them
- Spotting an efficiency that saves money and time
Because creativity is so valuable, we want to feed our creativity—but how?
If we’re looking for ways to boost our creativity, here’s one secret: Tap in to our five senses.
When I started work on my book Life in Five Senses, I hoped that by tuning in to my five senses, I’d find a new source of energy, love, luck, mindfulness—and creativity.
But I was unprepared for just how sparked my creativity would get! I found that when I paid greater attention to seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and touching, I ignited my imagination and my desire to create.
As Yoshida Kenkō wrote, “If we pick up a brush, we feel like writing; if we hold a musical instrument in our hands, we wish to play.”
By making direct contact with the world, instead of staying stuck in our heads or behind a screen, we boost our creativity. We reach the mind through the body.
Why do vivid sensory experiences boost creativity?
- They provide the brain with fodder for new ideas and connections that spark the imagination
- They help us feeling grounded in the present moment, and they also stir up old memories from the past
- They ignite unexpected associations that contribute to fresh thinking
- They boost our energy and help us to feel refreshed, which then helps us to focus and work
How do we boost creativity through our five senses?* By using engaging tools * By doing something novel, such as going on an adventure to a new place * By enjoying a particularly intense sensory experience * By deliberately evoking memories
How might we tie these strategies to the five senses?
Fortunately, it’s easy to boost our creativity through our five senses without spending a lot of time, energy, or money.
We’ve all heard the usual suggestions: pay close attention to your breath; relish a single sip of coffee; notice the colors of the sky. Those are helpful—but a bit familiar. Consider these:
Seeing1. Create the sight surroundings that fire your imagination—I need order, space and room to work, but other people prefer a profusion of piles, toys, and tools 2. Use a color printer instead of black and white 3. Put a plant on your desk 4. Go outside, and as you walk around the neighborhood, look around with the eyes of a tourist. The sunlight itself will help you feel more alert and focused, and adopting the perspective of a tourist will help you see ordinary sights in a new way. Look at the bumper stickers on that car! Why is that dog wearing all those clothes? 5. Go to a movie in the middle of the day 6. Wander around a museum, book store, department store, or big drug store—pay close attention to things you usually overlook 7. Sit somewhere with a lot of foot traffic, and pay close attention to the people as they walk by—how do they act, how do they dress, how do they interact? 8. Close your eyes, choose a room from your childhood home, and try to visualize it with as much detail as possible
Hearing9. Create the sound surroundings that fire your imagination. Do you work best with sounds of music, silence, or the busy hum of a coffee shop? 10. Listen to a genre of music you’ve never listened to before 11. Visit the Nostalgia Machine and listen to a song from the year you graduated from high school—what memories does it evoke? 12. Turn off your smartphone notifications so your concentration isn’t broken by pings
Smelling13. Identify a smell that you associate with creativity and bring it into your environment. For me, the smells of an old paperback book, school paste, or a fresh pack of printer paper make me feel like writing. 14. If you feel stuck, take a moment and tune in to a strong smell such as coffee, peanut butter, or Sharpies, or even a bad smell, like garbage or a neglected fridge—a strong sensation will help you feel grounded in your body 15. Visit a place with a strong smell environment—a bakery, a restaurant, a bath-products shop—and try to identify the different elements of the smells around you 16. Take a deep sniff of something that holds strong memories. The smell of fresh asphalt reminds me of high school (from a summer job), the smell of Tea Rose perfume reminds me of college, the smell of baby powder reminds me of my husband. Strong memories fire up associations that spark creativity.
Tasting17. Appreciate the taste of a single almond, one olive, or one mouthful of apple. Really notice the taste, the texture, the mouthfeel 18. Try a dish that you’ve never eaten before; new experiences spark new associations 19. Invent a new kind of sandwich, pizza topping, or ice-cream flavor 20. Eat with your non-dominant hand—the extra effort will help you pay attention to the physical experience and also shake up your thoughts 21. Buy yourself a treat that you always wanted as a child but were rarely able to have—I was rarely allowed to have soft drinks 22. Taste something that holds strong memories. For me, Diet Peach Snapple brings back floods of memories from law school. Those associations bring fresh ideas.
Touching23. Putting interesting tools in our hands often sparks our creativity—splurge on a tool that will prompt you to play and experiment. I recently got a gimbal for my smartphone and have been teaching myself to use it. So many possibilities! 24. Put up a whiteboard so you can sketch your ideas instead of typing them. My sister Elizabeth Craft is a Hollywood show-runner, and she keeps an eight-foot whiteboard in her home office 25. Use a different style of notepad 26. Use felt-tip pens in beautiful colors instead of the usual, boring black and blue 27. Keep a fidget spinner, pop toy, therapy dough, or other touch tool nearby. When you’re stuck, activity with your hands can help focus and stimulate your mind. 28. Visit an art-supply or office-supply store, craft store, hardware store, gardening center, cooking store, farmers market—anyplace where you’ll see lots of materials and equipment. Don’t worry about using anything; just wander 29. Take a shower 30. In a glass jar, collect all the little toys, gimcracks, and goofy trinkets you can round up. When you need inspiration, dump out the objects and put them back in the jar, one by one
Also, remember that each of us is different. Pay close attention to what kind of sensory experiences spark your creativity.
For my book Life in Five Senses, I decided to visit the Metropolitan Museum every day for a year—and I still haven’t stopped. This daily habit is perfect for me. It’s both structured and unstructured; it’s predictable yet always novel; it gets me up on my feet and walking (walking is also great for creativity); it puts me in an environment that’s vivid, intense, and sparks unexpected associations.
The Met overwhelms my sense of sight, of course, but it also stimulates my senses of hearing, smelling, and touching, and when I stop for a cup of coffee, my sense of tasting as well.
For me, visiting the Met boosts creativity. For someone else, however, music might be a richer source of creativity. Learning to play a new instrument, fooling around with a harmonica, listening to new music or feeling nostalgic from music from the past…these exercises don’t appeal to me, but others find them enormously suggestive.
The post 30 Ways to Boost Creativity Using the Five Senses appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
For the past few years, on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, my co-host and sister Elizabeth and I have set an annual challenge for ourselves and readers.
This year, it’s “Go Outside 23 in 23“—that is, go outside for 23 minutes each day in 2023. Great things happen when we go outside!
Many people—and this is certainly true for me—like to read a book to evoke a certain frame of mind.
Also, some people are doing their reading outside as part of their daily outdoor time. So we asked listeners for books they’d suggest for getting in an outdoor mood.
They suggested many terrific books:
- The Urban Bestiary, Lyanda Lynn Haupt
- The Hidden Life of Trees, Peter Wohlleben
- The Shepherd’s Life, James Rebanks
- Land Healer, Jacob Fiennes
- The Peace of Wild Things: And Other Poems, Wendell Berry
- A Walk in the Woods, Bill Bryson
- Braiding Sweetgrass, Robin Wall Kimmerer
- Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, Annie Dillard
- Upstream, Mary Oliver
- Caught Inside and Lighting Out, Daniel Duane
- Arctic Dreams, Barry Lopez
- Born To Run, Christopher McDougall
- LL Bean catalogs!
- Sea of Tranquility, Emily St. John Mandel
- Little House books, Laura Ingalls Wilder
- My Side of the Mountain, Jean Craighead George
- Anne of Green Gables, L. M. Montgomery
Join us for #Outside23in23! Don’t worry if you didn’t start on January 1—you’re never behind. Start where you are.
We’ve heard from so many people about how much they (and also their dogs) are enjoying this time outdoors.
The post Books to Inspire You to Go Outside appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
I’m thrilled to announce the tour for my new book, Life in Five Senses: How Exploring the Senses Got Me Out of My Head and Into the World.
What a joy it was to write this book! Now that it’s written, and I’ve stopped my endless editing, I’m really looking forward to going on the road. The book tour will be a fun sensory adventure in itself, plus I love the opportunity to visit bookstores and libraries and to talk to bookish people.
Visit the book tour page to find events in your area, buy tickets, and check for updates.
The post Announcing the “Life in Five Senses” Book Tour appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Are you searching for ways to boost your focus and productivity at work?
I find that while tips for time management and task prioritization are helpful—”Batch your work!” “Make a to-do list!”—often they ignore the external factors that make it harder to get work done.
While researching my book about the five senses, I discovered that to a great degree, it’s often our surroundings, our screens, and other people that hijack our attention.
Surroundings: whether we’re working in an office or from home, elements of our environment often grab our attention
Screens: whether in the form of a smartphone, a computer monitor, or a TV, screens tempt us with entertainment and information
Other people: Human survival has always depended on our ability to cooperate, and we have an insatiable curiosity about other people.
Information about other people is so compelling that it can be tough to concentrate in the presence of others—something bemoaned by many office workers who sit in an open-plan design, or by people who work from home with family members nearby.
These and other external factors make it hard for us to:
Focus—to concentrate; complete the tasks we start; stay alert to errors or oversights; think deeply and creatively; and persist through frustration.
Be productive—to maintain our energy from morning to evening; avoid time-wasting activities or distractions; and identify ways to work more efficiently; learn to use new tools.
Here’s one simple, manageable solution: Tap in to the power of our five senses.
By being mindful of our senses, we can identify factors that support or disrupt our focus, and boost or diminish our productivity. With that knowledge, we can improve the experience of the workplace, whether we work in an office, at home, or hybrid.
Fortunately, this tip is quick, easy, and inexpensive to implement! We don’t need to buy something, take a class, or make an appointment. Our senses are available to us right now.
Note: As we shape our environments, it’s crucial to remember that we all experience our own unique sensory world. If you share surroundings with other people, what feels comfortable to you might not feel comfortable to them. The aim is to create an environment where everyone can thrive.
30 Ways to Use Your Five Senses to Boost Focus and ProductivitySeeing:1. Ask yourself: Are you a simplicity-lover or an abundance-lover? For some people, creativity and productivity are sparked by orderly arrangements, bare counters, empty shelves. Other get a boost from profusion, buzz, piles, and collections.
Neither way is the “right” or “wrong” way, but if you share a space with someone who prefers a different style, you might need to compromise. If you’re the boss, don’t make the mistake of insisting that everyone do things your way—what works for you might not work for your employees.
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Get enough, but not too much, light. (If your eyes feel relief when you make a salute, you have too much light.)
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For many people, outer order contributes to inner calm, focus, and energy. If you have trouble concentrating because your surroundings are messy and cluttered, take time to establish order. You might…
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Follow the one-minute rule; anything you can do in less than one minute, do without delay.
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Do a daily 10-minute closer and take ten minutes at the end of the day to organize your work space.
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But beware procrasti-clearing! I sometimes fall into this trap—when I have a very strong urge to clear clutter as an excuse to delay working on a tough task.
We often lose time and focus when we’re fussing with our smartphones. Our phones provide valuable tools that save us time and energy, but they also offer many temptations. By changing the appearance of your phone, you can make it work better for you.
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Delete time-sucking apps, such as games or social media.
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Turn your phone to “grayscale” so its images appear only in white, black, or gray—much harder, and less fun, to use!
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Delete apps you don’t use and organize your apps by function, alphabetically, or even—whimsically—by color.
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Use your home screen to remind you of an important goal—a friend put the word “WRITE” on her home screen so that each glance at her phone reminded her to stay productive.
Hearing:11. Just as you clear clutter, clear clatter. Identify and eliminate bothersome noises that distract you while you work. Note: Our brains are wired to be particularly attentive to human voices, so you may be especially distracted by other people’s conversations.
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Wear noise-cancelling headphones.
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Turn off your smartphone’s notifications sounds so those pings and buzzes won’t interrupt your train of thought.
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Play white noise, brown noise, or pink noise to create a more consistent sound environment. Especially if you’re distracted by overhearing other people talking or moving around, white noise can muffle sounds that might otherwise catch your attention. (My favorite is pink noise.)
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Figure out whether listening to music boosts or diminishes your productivity. To work, I need silence or a busy hum (such as a coffee shop), but some people benefit from music. Different sound environments help people to improve their focus and productivity, so shape your surroundings to suit yourself.
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Here’s a useful hack: if you need to quiet a group—say, you need to start a meeting with a roomful of people who won’t stop talking—blow into a harmonica. It’s a pleasant sound that instantly communicates, “Quiet, it’s time to start.”
Smelling:We often disregard our sense of smell, but it’s a very powerful influence and can make a big difference in how we experience an environment.
- Use a pleasant smell as a way as a cue, “Time to buckle down.” I have a gardenia-scented candle that I only burn when I really need extra focus, so I associate the scent with times of intense productivity.
Note: only use this hack when working at home; when working with other people, it’s best to avoid creating smells. People often have very different ideas of what they want to smell!
- Because bad smells can drain our energy, tackle a stench at the source. The garbage pail, the fridge, and the microwave are common culprits. (It’s best to avoid using highly scented cleaning products, see point above.)
TastingWhen we work, we sometimes grab a tasty bite as a way to give ourselves boost—and often, we makes choices that aren’t healthy.
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If you’re a coffee drinker, drink some coffee! Even if it’s de-caffeinated, many people associate the smell, sight, and taste of coffee with energy and refreshment.
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Keep healthy foods near at hand. If it’s easy to pull a bag of chips from the cupboard or vending machine, and it’s hard to assemble a healthy snack, you’ll find it hard to resist temptation. Also, if you’re being productive, you won’t want to break your focus by using your time and attention to prepare foods.
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If you’re not hungry, but feeling distracted by your desire to find a sweet or salty snack, brush your teeth.
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I find that keeping a sugar-free mint in my mouth helps me concentrate. I don’t know why, but it works. Some people prefer to chew gum.
Touching23. More and more, people turn to pop fidget toys, therapy dough, weighted blankets, and other touch tools to stay calm, focused, and productive. It helps! I have a fidget spinner that I love—I find it especially helpful when I’m sitting in a long video call. No one on the screen can see or hear what I’m doing, and the activity of my hands helps me concentrate my mind.
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Eliminate scratchy shirts or tight pants, and replace an uncomfortable chair or a desk that’s too high or too low. Discomfort can distract and drain us. Along the same lines…
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Adjust the temperature of your work space.
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If you’re distracted by the TV, store the remote control in a very inconvenient space–ditto, with the phone. If a device is in your hands, you’ll probably use it; if you have to go to a lot of trouble to get it, you won’t thoughtlessly pick it up.
Use Your Five Senses to Take Energizing, Relaxing BreaksOur five senses also help us to stay focused and productive by giving us a break from focus and productivity! Sometimes, if we want to keep going, we have to allow ourselves to stop.
Taking a break to indulge in a sensory experience is a quick, easy way to refresh our minds and bodies.
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Because research shows that being in the presence of nature both calms and energizes us, if you can, stimulate your senses with nature—walk outdoors during your lunch hour, sit near a window that offers natural light and fresh air, add a plant to your work area.
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Listening to a favorite upbeat song is one of the quickest, easiest ways to give yourself a boost. (Get a bigger boost by dancing along to the music, or doing some jumping jacks.)
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Allow yourself to goof around. Research shows that periods of play help us to stay focused and creative. Pick up an instrument you haven’t practiced in a while, doodle with colored pencils, smell five jars of spices in the kitchen, walk barefoot and pay attention to the texture of the floor, make a paper airplane, invent a new kind of sandwich.
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Strengthen teams by encouraging people to share playful, relaxing sensory experiences. Such team-building activities include:
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- doing a huge puzzle together
- building a LEGO structure
- taking a cheese- or chocolate-tasting class
- playing with games such as Follow Your Nose, Lite Brite, or Operation
- playing with Model Magic or kinetic sand
- spending a few hours picking up trash or planting flowers in a park
Remember That People Experience Very Different Sensory WorldsWhether we’re working in the office or at home, we often face conflict with others that arise from different sensory experiences and preferences.
One person like scented candles; someone else finds the smell unbearably strong. One person doesn’t mind the sound of other people’s conversations; someone else is very distracted by the sounds of voices. One person doesn’t mind piles of papers and shelves of trinkets; someone else wants to hide everything in drawers and behind doors. One person turns on all the lights someone else finds the room unbearably bright. One person likes to open windows to feel a breeze and hear outdoor sounds; another person dislikes the draft and the noise.
Recognizing that people experience sensations in different ways can help us all to be more understanding—not to dismiss people’s objections to sights, sounds, smells, tastes, or touches, but instead to respect them, so that we can create sensory environments in which everyone can feel comfortable.
With mindful planning and attention, tapping in to our five senses is an important tool for helping us to transform the workplace so that we can be more focused, more productive, more creative, less stressed—and happier.
The post How to Increase Focus and Productivity Using the Five Senses appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
On the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, Elizabeth and I challenged ourselves and listeners to “Go Outside 23 in ‘23”—go outside for 23 minutes a day in 2023.
That time outside can include any activity, from hiking up a mountain, to walking across a parking lot, to sitting on your front stoop.
Great things happen when we go outside!
Going outside boosts our physical and psychological health, gives us more time in nature, and helps us mindfully appreciate the moment and our senses.
But weather conditions can make it tough to go outside when it’s too cold, rainy, windy, or hot, or if air conditions are bad.
We asked listeners and readers, “What hacks and strategies do you use, to get outside for 23 minutes when the weather is bad?” We got many great suggestions.
Tips from podcast listeners:* “My mom said this to me when I was young: ‘There is no bad weather, just bad clothes.’” * “I live in Chicago and walk my children the three-quarters of a mile to school every day that it’s 10°F or warmer. It can get pretty cold and windy here, but having a clear policy eliminates any question about whether we should walk or drive on a given morning.” * “I decided on ‘23 in 23, above 23 (degrees).’ On days below that, if I can’t get outside, I’ll do (look) outside 23 in 23, and spend time next to a sunny window, enjoying the beautiful views.” * “Once I am dressed appropriately and out the door, I have found that I often end up staying out longer than 23 minutes. I just need the initial push to leave the house.” * “I live in Alaska and suffer from Raynaud’s Syndrome. Wearing heated socks and gloves lets me join outdoor family activities like the Winter Solstice Tree Tour, which was held on a 0°F day this year.Also: Even if you have snow pants, something about the shape, convenience or feeling of a ‘snowskirt’ removes a barrier to going outside” * “We live in a part of the country where the weather isn’t always great for going outside, and we have a garage we don’t park in, so I bought some astroturf mats and made an indoor/outdoor sports arena for my kid. When we open the garage, even when raining we get fresh air.” * “I find immense joy in having the ‘right tool’ for a problem, in this case—the right clothes and gear for a cold weather day. I had never heard of a snow skirt until this podcast episode, and I also just recently learned they make WOOL TIGHTS. What? I always think to myself, ‘Why don’t I know about these things!’”
More tips from the social media community:* “Proper clothing is key. Dress in layers. Warm boots, wool socks, non-cotton base layer, wool mid layer, waterproof outer layer, neck gaiter, hat, gloves. Properly dressed you can tolerate any temperature, and if you get moving, you’ll warm up & even enjoy it.” * “My dogs and I do a short walk and long walk pretty much any day it is above about -5°F. But if it is colder than that or if the wind chill makes it feel colder, then we do many very short trips and stay in the back yard. Remember, many dogs need cold weather gear too to keep them warm and protect their feet.” * “It definitely helps if you have a dog who counts on a 30-45 minute walk every morning!” * “I adjusted the challenge to 2:30 minutes daily.” * “It was already one of my ‘23 for 23’ to walk the boardwalk at Jones Beach every weekend morning around sunrise. It’s been too cold lately for the early morning hikes so I made the hike in the afternoon once it warmed up a bit.” * “Have a cup of hot tea and a warm change of clothes ready for you when you get back!” * “I put on my gigantic fake fur mink coat, once purchased for a Halloween costume. I curl up outside on my deck chaise under soft blankets, pop in ear buds, listen to music or meditation and soak in a bit of vitamin D. It’s my winter Me treat!” * “Keep your cold weather footwear a bit larger. It allows for multiple layers of socks and gives freedom to wiggle your toes for better circulation.” * “To be fair, I’ve counted time brushing off the car, scraping ice off the car and shoveling. So not all 23 are ‘fun’ 23.” * “My best friend lives 5 hours away, also in a cold climate. We call each other and walk outside so it forces both of us to get out into the cold since neither of us are fans.” * “I walk in the morning. I think it helps reset my sleep clock, even when it’s cloudy/raining. And then it’s off my to-do list. A good raincoat and warm layers. I let my wet sneakers dry on the heating vent so they’re ready the next morning. A nice hot shower as a reward.” * “Hand warmers! I bought one for each pocket that are rechargeable.” * “Go in the hot tub! Even if it’s -30, you can still go in with a toque on!”
Of course, not everyone is fortunate enough to be able to afford bad-weather gear, lives in a place where going outside in this way is possible, or is physically capable of managing it. Listeners and readers suggested:
- “I can’t get easily go outside these days, but I spend time looking out my front window. I get exposure to sunlight, and I get to appreciate nature with the changes in my yard, which has some big trees that are beautiful in every season. When it’s not too cold, I open the window to enjoy the fresh air and smells of the outdoors.”
- “Get a houseplant. One that needs lots of sunlight and love, so that as you care for it each day you get a little exposure to the sun (even if it’s just through a window) and nature. If you can’t bring yourself into the outside world, bring the outside world to you.”
It’s been so fun to see how enthusiastically people are embracing the #Outside23in23 challenge. Many people, it turns out, want to spend more time outside but just need a nudge or some structure to build it into their habits.
Plus, there are a lot of happy dogs!
Remember, it’s never too late—now is always the right time to begin.
The post Tips for Going Outside in Cold or Wet Weather appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Katherine Schafler is a psychotherapist with a private practice in NYC, formerly an on-site therapist at Google. In addition to her blog, she’s a contributing writer at TIME and Business Insider, as well as an editor-at-large for Arianna Huffington’s Thrive Global. Her book, The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power (Amazon, Bookshop) just hit shelves.
I couldn’t wait to talk to Katherine about happiness, habits, and mental health.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?
Katherine: Every single morning, I wake up early and drink guayusa tea in solitude while I write, work, read, do anything that restores me really. I used to drink so much coffee and I never intended on switching to tea, but one day I was running late for work (literally running to my office in an NYC heat wave) and I got so hot that I popped into a bodega to get a cold drink. I grabbed the first drink I saw with caffeine in it (iced guayusa, which I’d never tried or heard of before) and went to work. An hour or so later, I started to feel this clean, almost high. It was like I had coffee but without the tweaky-ness that sometimes accompanies coffee for me. I felt totally alert, but also still.
I continued to drink coffee after that, but I also started ordering loose leaf guayusa. I learned guayusa comes from a plant in the Amazon rainforest. It has three times the antioxidants as regular green tea, is known to promote mood and regulate blood sugar, and doesn’t have that ‘earthy’ taste that green tea typically has (which I don’t like). Eventually I stopped drinking coffee and switched over to guayusa entirely, which was effortless.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
That joy is more important than happiness. I need both to get by in life, but if I stay connected to joy, I can handle a lot of ups and downs in the happiness department without it bothering me too much. There’s a spiritual teaching that goes something like, “Joy is happiness for no reason.” If you think of a small child, they’re naturally joyful. They’re curious, open, they play a lot, they take their imagination seriously – all those traits arise from joy. Small kids can have tantrums and become very unhappy in moments, but they get over it quickly because they stay connected to joy.
Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit – or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?
Yes, I used to be a walking bad habit! I’ve kicked many bad habits! One example of positive habit change that I showcase in my book: I carry a little Tupperware thing of chia seeds in my bag and sprinkle them on everything. Eggs, yogurt, smoothies, ice cream, pizza, everything. I also keep a pretty glass jar on my kitchen counter filled with chia seeds for the same reason I keep salt and pepper readily available instead of storing them in the pantry; I make the habit as convenient and as appealing to me as possible.
Because I got in the habit of putting chia seeds on everything, it helped strengthen my identity as someone who makes healthy choices every day. (Hello, rebel tendency!) It’s a little habit but it was a springboard for me to gain the habit of eating more nourishing, healthy foods. It’s worked alongside other tiny but positive habits which, cumulatively, help me lead an enjoyable, healthy lifestyle.
Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger?
I’m a rebel. I used to be more of an obliger, but I experienced obliger-rebellion over the pandemic.
Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits or your happiness? (e.g. travel, parties, email)
I like going to sleep early and waking up early, so even something as simple as going to a late dinner with friends and not going to sleep when I normally go to sleep, then not waking up when I normally wake up. That can lead to a negative ripple effect for like, a solid week. Sometimes longer.
I’m a superlark and I need my morning time. Hence why I schedule dinners with friends at 5:30pm like I’m in my eighties, and why I will leave most events—no matter how cool or fun they are—by 8:30pm. If an event or dinner doesn’t start until 9pm, I won’t go for the same reason that most people wouldn’t schedule breakfast with their friends at 5am.
Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?
Never. Change for me has always been an entirely unceremonious affair. It’s little by little, day by day, invisible ‘til it’s not. I swear by incrementalism.
Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?
When I was writing my book, Seth Godin’s book, The Practice: Shipping Creative Work (Amazon, Bookshop) came out. In that book, Godin addresses the anxiety that can arise when you share your work with the world. He says, “It’s never going to be good enough for everyone, but it’s already good enough for someone.” That line really kept me moving in a moment when I would have otherwise become stuck.
Has a book ever changed your life – if so, which one and why?
Absolutely. Over and over. Every book I read changes me in some way. When I was a teenager, my older brother gave me a copy of Jean Kilbourne’s, Can’t Buy My Love: How Advertising Changes the Way We Think and Feel (Amazon, Bookshop). I never saw advertising the same way again.
I became obsessed with that book. I was like, “Why isn’t everyone talking about this book?!” I petitioned the dean of my college to let me teach a class based directly on that book, which ended up becoming a popular course. Kilbourne’s book shielded me from the way women are told that their bodies/looks/thinness are their greatest currency. It also shielded me against the idea that buying things will fix your problems.
In your field, is there a common misconception that you’d like to correct?
I’m a psychotherapist, and there are more mental health myths than I could address in a single question. I talk about a lot of mental health myths in my book, “The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control: a path to peace and power.” One huge misconception is, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” That’s not true.
What doesn’t kill you might traumatize you to the point of disintegrating your memory recall. What doesn’t kill you might push you into addiction. What doesn’t kill you might make you suicidal or parasuicidal. What doesn’t kill you might lead you to physically or emotionally abuse your children because you don’t know how to handle the overwhelming nature of your struggle.
Struggle does not guarantee resilience. A more accurate expression would be “What doesn’t kill you forces you into a position where you have to choose between connection or isolation, and choosing connection makes you stronger.” It’s not as like, ‘slogan-ready’ per se, but accurate, nonetheless.
I wish people understood that it’s never the terrible things that happened to you that make you stronger; it’s the resiliency-building skills you engage to process the terrible things. What doesn’t kill you can make you stronger, but only if you feel your feelings, process your experience (i.e., figure out what the experience means to you), and engage the protective factors around you—mainly, the power of connection. Support is not just an exchange of information or aid; support is an exchange of connection.
I couldn’t wait to talk to Katherine about happiness, habits, and mental health.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?
Katherine: Every single morning, I wake up early and drink guayusa tea in solitude while I write, work, read, do anything that restores me really. I used to drink so much coffee and I never intended on switching to tea, but one day I was running late for work (literally running to my office in an NYC heat wave) and I got so hot that I popped into a bodega to get a cold drink. I grabbed the first drink I saw with caffeine in it (iced guayusa, which I’d never tried or heard of before) and went to work. An hour or so later, I started to feel this clean, almost high. It was like I had coffee but without the tweaky-ness that sometimes accompanies coffee for me. I felt totally alert, but also still.
I continued to drink coffee after that, but I also started ordering loose leaf guayusa. I learned guayusa comes from a plant in the Amazon rainforest. It has three times the antioxidants as regular green tea, is known to promote mood and regulate blood sugar, and doesn’t have that ‘earthy’ taste that green tea typically has (which I don’t like). Eventually I stopped drinking coffee and switched over to guayusa entirely, which was effortless.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
That joy is more important than happiness. I need both to get by in life, but if I stay connected to joy, I can handle a lot of ups and downs in the happiness department without it bothering me too much. There’s a spiritual teaching that goes something like, “Joy is happiness for no reason.” If you think of a small child, they’re naturally joyful. They’re curious, open, they play a lot, they take their imagination seriously – all those traits arise from joy. Small kids can have tantrums and become very unhappy in moments, but they get over it quickly because they stay connected to joy.
Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit – or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?
Yes, I used to be a walking bad habit! I’ve kicked many bad habits! One example of positive habit change that I showcase in my book: I carry a little Tupperware thing of chia seeds in my bag and sprinkle them on everything. Eggs, yogurt, smoothies, ice cream, pizza, everything. I also keep a pretty glass jar on my kitchen counter filled with chia seeds for the same reason I keep salt and pepper readily available instead of storing them in the pantry; I make the habit as convenient and as appealing to me as possible.
Because I got in the habit of putting chia seeds on everything, it helped strengthen my identity as someone who makes healthy choices every day. (Hello, rebel tendency!) It’s a little habit but it was a springboard for me to gain the habit of eating more nourishing, healthy foods. It’s worked alongside other tiny but positive habits which, cumulatively, help me lead an enjoyable, healthy lifestyle.
Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger?
I’m a rebel. I used to be more of an obliger, but I experienced obliger-rebellion over the pandemic.
Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits or your happiness? (e.g. travel, parties, email)
I like going to sleep early and waking up early, so even something as simple as going to a late dinner with friends and not going to sleep when I normally go to sleep, then not waking up when I normally wake up. That can lead to a negative ripple effect for like, a solid week. Sometimes longer.
I’m a superlark and I need my morning time. Hence why I schedule dinners with friends at 5:30pm like I’m in my eighties, and why I will leave most events—no matter how cool or fun they are—by 8:30pm. If an event or dinner doesn’t start until 9pm, I won’t go for the same reason that most people wouldn’t schedule breakfast with their friends at 5am.
Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?
Never. Change for me has always been an entirely unceremonious affair. It’s little by little, day by day, invisible ‘til it’s not. I swear by incrementalism.
Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?
When I was writing my book, Seth Godin’s book, The Practice: Shipping Creative Work (Amazon, Bookshop) came out. In that book, Godin addresses the anxiety that can arise when you share your work with the world. He says, “It’s never going to be good enough for everyone, but it’s already good enough for someone.” That line really kept me moving in a moment when I would have otherwise become stuck.
Has a book ever changed your life – if so, which one and why?
Absolutely. Over and over. Every book I read changes me in some way. When I was a teenager, my older brother gave me a copy of Jean Kilbourne’s, Can’t Buy My Love: How Advertising Changes the Way We Think and Feel (Amazon, Bookshop). I never saw advertising the same way again.
I became obsessed with that book. I was like, “Why isn’t everyone talking about this book?!” I petitioned the dean of my college to let me teach a class based directly on that book, which ended up becoming a popular course. Kilbourne’s book shielded me from the way women are told that their bodies/looks/thinness are their greatest currency. It also shielded me against the idea that buying things will fix your problems.
In your field, is there a common misconception that you’d like to correct?
I’m a psychotherapist, and there are more mental health myths than I could address in a single question. I talk about a lot of mental health myths in my book, “The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control: a path to peace and power.” One huge misconception is, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” That’s not true.
What doesn’t kill you might traumatize you to the point of disintegrating your memory recall. What doesn’t kill you might push you into addiction. What doesn’t kill you might make you suicidal or parasuicidal. What doesn’t kill you might lead you to physically or emotionally abuse your children because you don’t know how to handle the overwhelming nature of your struggle.
Struggle does not guarantee resilience. A more accurate expression would be “What doesn’t kill you forces you into a position where you have to choose between connection or isolation, and choosing connection makes you stronger.” It’s not as like, ‘slogan-ready’ per se, but accurate, nonetheless.
I wish people understood that it’s never the terrible things that happened to you that make you stronger; it’s the resiliency-building skills you engage to process the terrible things. What doesn’t kill you can make you stronger, but only if you feel your feelings, process your experience (i.e., figure out what the experience means to you), and engage the protective factors around you—mainly, the power of connection. Support is not just an exchange of information or aid; support is an exchange of connection.
The post Author Interview: Katherine Schafler appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
A few years ago, I had an epiphany. I realized that I was spending so much time stuck in my head that I’d drifted away from my body.
As I rushed through my days, I was feeling disconnected from the world and other people, and also from myself.
I didn’t want the moments of my life to slip away, unnoticed.
When I looked for a way to get out of my head and into the world, for me, the answer was obvious: through my five senses. I could shake off my foggy preoccupation by rediscovering the world by seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and touching.
By being more mindful of the sensations I encountered, I could elevate the familiar experiences that were already part of my daily routines.
I did so many things to connect with my senses! In fact, I wrote a whole book about it: Life in Five Senses.
If you’re feeling stuck in your head, here are some practical, manageable suggestions of activities to try, right now.
How to get out of your head using your sense of sight1. Wear something in a bright color 2. Look closely at the room you’re in—in a mirror 3. Spot the three-dimensional image hiding in a “magic eye” autosterogram 4. Copy out a short poem or passage by using different colors for different words 5. Visit a grocery store or drug store, and look closely at the packaging. What logos are most imaginative? Do certain colors dominate for particular items—pain relievers, dental products, organic? 6. Search for a particular color: your favorite color, the Pantone “Color of the Year,” an unusual hue 7. Look around with the eyes of a journalist — journalists notice things in a different way 8. Look around with the eyes of a tourist 9. Walk around your house with the thought, “Guests are visiting for the weekend” 10. Look through an art book and decide which object is your favorite 11. Turn your phone to grayscale 12. Return to a familiar place you haven’t visited in a long time—your former neighborhood, school, grocery store 13. Look at some favorite photos from your childhood and try to figure out what year they were taken 14. Change your smartphone’s home-screen so it displays someone or something that makes you happy 15. Find a colored marker or crayon and draw a quick sketch 16. Look online to find photos of places you’ve lived or worked in the past How to get out of your head using your sense of smell1. Smell some vanilla 2. Reflect: what was the smell of your grandparents’ kitchen? 3. Identify the source of a bad smell in your surroundings, and eliminate it 4. Go to your spice rack, open a jar without checking the label, and take a big sniff. Can you identify it? 5. Smell something with a strong odor with one nostril, then the other, to compare how each nostril registers a slightly different smell 6. Take a deep whiff of five items in your fridge How to get out of your head using your sense of hearing1. Blow a tune on a harmonica or kazoo 2. Choose a new ringtone or alarm tone for your smartphone 3. Visit the “The Nostalgia Machine” website and listen to some of the top songs from a significant year 4. Whistle a tune 5. Choose a favorite song, sit down, close your eyes, and listen without distraction 6. Go outside and count how many different types of noises you hear 7. Play an instrument—whether that’s a piano, guitar, whistle, wind chimes, xylophone, music box 8. Listen to the mysterious Shepard tone How to get out of your head using your sense of taste1. Sample some ketchup and note all five tastes: sweet, sour, bitter, salty, umami 2. Have a “shower orange” – eat a cold orange in a hot shower 3. Identify one of your favorite foods from childhood and make a plan to eat it again 4. Brush your teeth and pay close attention to the feel of the toothbrush and the taste of the toothpaste 5. Add a pinch of salt to a bitter-tasting food or beverage to note how salt reduces the bitterness How to get out of your head using your sense of touch1. Walk barefoot on a stone or tile floor 2. Register the heat of your coffee or tea radiating through the mug 3. Hold an ice cube in your mouth 4. Rub your fingers against velvet 5. Open your fridge’s freezer and feel the cold air hit your face 6. Touch a plant with an interesting texture: cactus, African violet, aloe, lamb’s ear, moss, jade plant 7. From your clothes, identify one uncomfortable item—something that’s too scratchy, too tight, too loose, or too stiff, and decide whether you want to keep it 8. Light a match 9. Pet a cat or dog 10. Rub corn starch between your fingers for the squeaky feeling 11. Hug a friend or family member 12. Make a paper airplane, fortune-teller or origami figure 13. Run your hands across tree bark 14. Do one thing to make the environment of your car more pleasant 15. Crumple, smooth, and shape a piece of tin foil
Why we should get out of our head and into the worldExploring our five senses allows us to connect more deeply with the world, with other people, and ourselves.
If you’d like to learn more about the five senses and how they work together, read “Making Sense of the World, Several Senses at a Time.”
Through our five senses, we can knit body and mind together for a greater sense of energy, playfulness, and connection—more vitality.
- The present feels more vivid, because we experience each moment with more intensity and mindfulness
- We also feel more deeply connected to our past and to our memories
- We deepen relationships; sharing an experience of the body is a great way to connect
- Creativity gets sparked as we reach out to connect with the world
- We feel both calmer and more energetic
- We have more moments of fun, play, and delight
- With our five senses, we give ourselves healthy treats, in contrast to the numbing of food, TV, or social media
Our physical experience always colors our mental and emotional experience. By connecting with our outer life, through our five senses we revitalize our inner life.
The post 50 Tips to Get Out of Your Head Using Your Five Senses—Right Now appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Elissa Epel, Ph.D. is a psychologist and professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco. She is a bestselling author and an international expert on stress, well-being, and optimal aging. Her new book, The Stress Prescription: Seven Days to More Joy and Ease (Amazon, Bookshop), just hit shelves.
I couldn’t wait to talk to Elissa about happiness, habits, and managing stress.
Gretchen: Why did you write The Stress Prescription?
Elissa: After 30 years of being a stress and health researcher, I felt the need to download some important conclusions, to show what is useful to people in daily life. It’s getting ridiculous how stressed we all are, as a society. A recent American Psychological survey found 27% of all adults feel so stressed they can’t function. 62% of young women feel completely overwhelmed by stress. That’s a toxic level of stress. Chronic stress creates health problems and we need to take stress as seriously as medical issues. Thus, “The Stress Prescription.” We don’t have to live that way. We can lift the dark veil of daily stress and see the small miracles of the day in front of us. That’s why I wrote this book.
My book agent gave me a crazy challenge – share 7 tips, in 7 days, and I took the challenge. Applying scientific knowledge to our daily life can be clumsy and wordy. As a researcher, we learn from specific experiments in certain conditions, and we are extremely precise in describing and qualifying our findings. So writing science for the public was excruciating at first. But in the end, the book appears to have helped the people who have read it.
I am no stranger to chronic stress, I have lived years of my life in that state and have made lots of changes since then. But managing stress, even for mental health experts, is ongoing work. The book helped me too because part of the practice is remembering, and for me, understanding the science behind each practice is motivating (Yes, I am a questioner!).
One more thing –In that survey, the good news is only 4% of people over 65 felt that extreme level of stress. But we don’t want to wait to benefit from the wisdom of aging. Older people have lots of strategies that come with age. One of them is a shortened sense of time. We can all step back and realize how short life really is. And that alone helps us focus on what really matters. Thus, Chapter 2 leads us to better align how our values to how we spend our time. And not try to control the things we don’t really have control over.
What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?
Nature immersion! Being near the water elevates my mood that is, when I am not stuck in my thoughts. The Stress Prescription leads us through steps to experience nature with all of our senses. It’s hard to feel wonder and awe, and also neurotic stress, at the same time. Being in nature or in a beautiful place changes shapes my thought processes to be more creative, to see more interconnections. I love working with a view or outside – my writing flows and poetic words I rarely use emerge. I am writing this from my San Francisco office desk. Sorry.
Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?
It wasn’t exactly a lightning bolt – it was wildfire smoke. This was not a glamorous insight on top of a mountain. I had been thinking about what I could do to help mitigate climate change. And then the wildfires, smoke, and heatwaves of 2020 came to California, to my own lungs, and I crossed over. I transformed from a climate worrier to warrior. I knew the crisis was crossing certain tipping points, and indeed we are now seeing the disasters all over the world, and even at home. I vowed during that one day we woke up on Mars, when the smoke blocked the sun and the sky turned orange, to devote part of my work to the climate area and have been making that transition. Balancing time is always hard, it’s not my day job. But when I am working on climate projects, I feel alive, I am resonating with my North Star, adding a greater purpose to my life.
Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger?
You can guess by my career choice, research, I am a Questioner! And I am a magnet for questioners, being a science nerd. I also value silence as much as science, and have become a contemplative health psychologist in my work. My ideal vacation is a silent retreat, or… a spa!
Is there a particular motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?
I am a bit obsessed with stress, not just out of scientific curiosity but for personal reasons as well. There are metaphors that I love, that get me out of a stressful striving state, when I am trying to problem solve situations that are not very changeable. Here are some:
Drop the rope (the rope is attached to a brick wall).
Drop the baggage (the baggage contains stress leftovers, whatever you are carrying around needlessly, even unconsciously).
Drop down (Ahh…let your mind drop down, into your body, let yourself breath fully)
And here is a favorite quote, by Pema Chodron, from When Things Fall Apart:
“Things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”
The post Author Interview: Elissa Epel appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
During the tasks of everyday life, we can get so busy that it can be difficult to take the energy and time to pause and reflect.
For this reason, I’m a big fan of any exercise that helps us to step back and think about changes we might make to become happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative.
Often, that catalyst is a date, such as January 1—if you want more ideas of dates to use, take a look at the Calendar of Catalysts.
Questioners may protest that the date of January 1 is arbitrary, but it does mark a milestone in time, and is a cultural moment that reminds us to think big and broad.
On the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, we discuss different approaches to making change. For 2023, we’ve talked about joining the yearly challenge (#Outside23in23), identifying a one-word theme for 2023, and making a “23 for 2023” list.
Research shows that when we set specific aims for ourselves, no surprise, we’re more likely to achieve them. So taking the time to make this list can make a big difference to our happiness.
Over the years, we’ve seen the creative ways that people approach these lists.
How to make your 23 for 2023 list: Use the number 23 in a creative way, such as “Try 23 new recipes” or as Elizabeth notes, “Read 23 novels” * Divide the list into categories, such as “Family,” “Career,” “Adventure” “Fun” * Build the entire list around a single important aim, such as “Move” or “Switch careers” * Build the entire list your one-word theme—for instance, “Earn” or “Fewer” * It’s helpful to be concrete, and frame items as actions, not outcomes—not “Learn Italian” but “Memorize 5 new words every day” or “Use Duolingo every day” * Consider whether you’re an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel—take the free “Four Tendencies” personality quiz * Create a compelling visual display of your list * Review your list frequently—I aim to review my list on the 23rd of every month * Consider making a list of only enjoyable* items! Especially you Obligers! * Share a list with someone else, to work on aims together * Pay attention to vocabulary—the same activity can be much more appealing, or not, depending on how we frame it, the vocabulary we use.
Don’t worry about whether you’ll be able to cross off all 23 items. Neither Elizabeth nor I has ever managed to complete an entire list! But making this list help us to be happier.
Want to make list of your “23 for 2023?” Download the free PDF here. We love to see people’s lists—it’s fascinating to see what people do with their list—so if you’re so inclined, post it to #23for23 on social media. We can all learn from each other.
Elizabeth’s 23 for 2023 list:One-word theme is SCALE.
- Hike Fryman Canyon 50 times—she’s going to track in the Happier™ app
- Floss every night
- Get back in her wedding rings
- Hike in Ojai with Sarah
- Take a trip with friends from high school
- Get the perfect small cross-body bag
- Use her packing cubes
- Read 23 novels (this includes audiobooks)
- During the potential writers’ strike, outline a novel
- Try pickleball
- Get her mah jong group going again
- Always carry Kleenex
- Get two body scans
- Walk to Malibu
- Finish her will with Adam
- Go outside 23 minutes a day—of course!
- Host a family party
- Build up Daisy’s and Nacho’s stamina so they can go on hikes
- Upgrade her home office
- Throw out gross t-shirts—both hard and easy to do
- Get a new robe
- Go away for a night with friends
- Do Season Three of Fantasy Island—an outcome, but she’s going to manifest it
Gretchen’s 23 for 2023 list:One-word theme is WAVE.
- Visit the Met every day
- Go outside 23 in 23
- Catch up on my photo albums
- 30 straight days of culture
- Tackle one difficult email per day
- Make standing haircut appointments
- Buy new underwear
- Have a summer of re-reading
- Be more systematic about connecting with friends and colleagues
- Buy airplane jeans
- Help Eleanor get a driver’s license and Elizabeth to make a will
- Figure out the direction for my next writing project
- Enjoy 23 seconds of sensory delight each day
- Wear make-up every day
- Work on my Muse Machine
- Create a time capsule for 2023—we talked about this idea in episode 401
- Ask people for the names of journalists who might be interested in my book Life in Five Senses
- Start a new group
- Once a month, pick a New York City place I’ve never visited, and go there
- Embrace this year of family transition
- Review this list on the 23rd of each month
- Add a “My Thirty Minutes” to my calendar each workday (and figure out a catchy name for this time)
- Watch a great TV show
Elizabeth and I have made these lists for several years, and each year, we’re so happy we did it. It’s a very clarifying and creative exercise.
Also, it’s a fun exercise to do with other people. Elizabeth and I have a great time talking about our lists together; sharing lists is a great way to spark conversation about interests, values, and aims. Try doing it with friends, family, or co-workers. You may find items that you’d like to tackle together.
Have you found any fresh ways to articulate and work towards your aims? Making a New Year’s resolution isn’t the only way!
The post How to Write Your “23 for 2023” List appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Often, when we try to change a habit, we’re asking something demanding of ourselves.
Sometimes, we want to push ourselves—to go to sleep earlier, go for a daily walk, cook more, read to our kids every night.
Sometimes, we want to deprive ourselves—to give up fast food, to stop watching TV after 9 pm, to stop drinking caffeine.
As I explore in Better Than Before, my book about habit change, we really, really don’t like to deprive ourselves.
Here’s one simple way to make deprivation easier: Turn deprivation into indulgence.
If you’ve decided to deprive yourself of something because you know that you’ll be happier and healthier without it, you’ve made a very helpful choice.
So, if you can afford it, you might throw a little money at the problem, to make it easier to follow through.
For instance, last year, a friend was planning to do Dry January, and she knew it would be tough for her. And not only that—she was actually hoping that Dry January would help her to drink less in the future. She didn’t want to give up alcohol altogether, but she wanted to cut back.
So she decided to use Dry January as an occasion of pleasure, interest, beauty, and ritual.
First, she did a lot of enjoyable research, to figure out what she wanted to try.
Then she divided her bar into Mocktails and Cocktails. She bought new, specialized glassware, like coupe glasses, margarita glasses, and martini glasses.
She got lots of interesting mixers along with items like ginger and lemon, fancy salts—anything she could find to elevate the mocktail.
She invited friends to join her in rounds of taste tests to evaluate different alcohol-free brands and mocktail combinations.
If you’re interested, here are some of her recommendations:
- Lyre’s White Cane Spirits, Aperitif Rosso, American Malt
- Belvoir Farm’s Elderflower and Rose Lemonade
- Pentire’s Adrift
- Ritual
- Athletic Brewing Company
By turning Dry January into a fun project that involved collecting, tasting, and spending time with friends, she was able to build an indulgent, delightful atmosphere around something that she knew would be taxing.
“It felt more life-affirming,” she told me, “so it was easier to stick to it.”
She was able to elevate her experience in many ways:
- she made her consumption more intentional and mindful
- with her husband, she created a nightly ritual of fixing a mocktail that they both enjoyed
- she had fun with her friends as they compared concoctions
- she used her creativity to fashion her own specialty drinks
So, while she did make many purchases, she wasn’t just buying stuff—she elevated experience with her mindful attention, by engaging with other people, and by learning and creating.
She turned deprivation into indulgence for Dry January, but this approach could work for many aims.
Want to give up coffee? A friend said, “I had to give up coffee, even though I love it, because it made me jittery. Now I let myself buy any herbal teas, cups, or tea-making paraphernalia that I want, and I drink tea whenever I want. I keep everything nicely organized in a special cupboard, and my tea-drinking feels very elevated.”
Want to stop eating out so much? Splurge on expensive or unusual ingredients, fine tools, gorgeous cookbooks.
Want to “Go Outside 23 in 23?” and spend 23 minutes outside every day in 2023? Perhaps this aim seems like it will be demanding—if, say, you’ll be depriving yourself of some comfy TV-watching time.
If so, identify ways to make it feel indulgent. Maybe you buy a wonderful coat or scarf that you love to wear. Maybe you buy a membership to the local botanical garden so you can visit every day for free. Maybe you buy an outdoor chair so you can sit in comfort while you drink your coffee outside, as well as a new set of binoculars so you can watch the birds.
Whatever the deprivation, when you’re thinking, “I can’t have this,” you can answer, “but I get to have that.”
While this approach might seem self-indulgent, if we’re taking steps to create a habit that will add greatly to our happiness, that’s a good place to spend money. And, of course, it’s not enough just to buy the stuff; we must put it to good use. Real enjoyment is not passive or idle.
Another way to think about indulgence and deprivation is to ask yourself, “Am I a ‘no’ resolver or a ‘yes’ resolver?”
Some people respond well to “no.” I actually do better with “no” resolutions; this may be related to the abstainer vs. moderator split—I’m such an abstainer, myself.
Some people, however, resent negative resolutions and want to say “yes” to themselves. They dislike hearing “don’t” or “stop.” If you’re a “yes” resolver, you might find it especially useful to turn deprivation into indulgence; it’s a way to re-frame a “no” as a “yes.”
There’s no one right way to make a resolution, but it’s important to know what works for you. As always, the secret is to know your own nature. (Here are more know-yourself-better questions to help you keep a habit.)
Habits are the invisible architecture of everyday life, so it’s worth the effort to cultivate habits that make us happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative.
The post Trying Dry January? Turn Deprivation into Indulgence appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
I love to talk to people about their habits.
I always enjoy hearing about which habits people want to make or break, and I’m particularly interested in those habits that many people seek to make.
For instance, for our annual challenge for 2021, Elizabeth and I chose “Read 21 in 21” — i.e., read for 21 minutes a day in 2021. We chose that challenge because we’d heard from so many people who wanted to read more.
Another habit that many people want to cultivate? The habit of keeping a journal.
For both mental and physical health, there are many good reasons to keep a journal. Research shows that keeping a journal about your feelings may help you feel less mental distress. It can help you to remember — or spark — important insights. It can give you the satisfying feeling of “ta-da” when you look back on everything you’ve written. It can help you make sense of what’s happening to you. It can generate your creativity. It can help you spot patterns in your life. Research suggests that it can even boost your immune system!
But while it’s a valuable habit that many people want, journal-keeping can be hard to maintain.
If you’d like to keep a journal, consider these suggestions:
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Clarify your reason.What do you hope to accomplish by keeping a journal? Clarity will help you stick with this habit. Decide whether you want to reflect on your day-to-day life, document a transition, know yourself better, capture insights, practice gratitude, or something else. Write down this reason somewhere you’ll see it often.
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Set expectations.When building your journal-keeping habit, be specific about what you expect from yourself. At what time of day do you plan to write? For how long? Will your journal be in the form of lists or doodles or handwritten pages? Do you expect to record your thoughts every day, or once a week?
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Choose your tools.Will you use a yellow legal pad, a leather bound notebook, a Google Doc file, or your phone? Do you prefer a pen or a keyboard? Remember that journals don’t have to be handwritten—you might keep a digital, audio, or photo journal. Experiment to find the tools and methods that work best for you.
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Look to the past.If you’ve tried keeping a journal and didn’t manage to maintain it in the past, what factors prevented you from reaching your aim? Write them down. By identifying what hasn’t worked for you, you can anticipate hurdles and plan workarounds.
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Start small.Begin with a one-sentence entry. Next time, try three sentences, and then a paragraph. Before you know it, you may be writing a page a day (if that’s what you want to do).
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Make it a joy.Pair your writing time with an element of pleasure: the first cup of coffee in the morning, an inspiring playlist. Maybe you’ll find that keeping a journal is most enjoyable when you write outside, or in pajamas, or at your desk before starting work. Pairing something pleasurable with this new habit makes it more likely to stick.
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Begin now.This week—better yet, today—write your first journal entry. Or, if you’ve already started a journal and missed a few days, pick it back up and start again. What we do every day matters more than what we do once in a while, and the best time to begin is now.
With the habit of journal-keeping, as with many habits, it’s helpful to remember: “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good” or “Don’t get it perfect, get it going.”
The post Jump-Start Your Habit of Keeping a Journal appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
In my study of habits, I’ve learned that no tool fits every hand. Alas, there’s no magic, one-size-fits all solution for making or breaking a habit.
It’s very helpful to create good habits, because habits are the invisible architecture of daily life; research shows that about 40% of every day’s activities are shaped by habits.
We all use habits, but we vary dramatically in how we most effectively shape those habits.
- Some people can put an activity on the to-do list or schedule; some people resist to-lists and schedules.
- Some people can make up their mind and do it; some people need accountability.
- Some people can sign up for a class; others dislike the feeling of being tied to the calendar.
- Some people are morning people; some people are night people.
- Some people are abstainers; others, moderators.
- Some people love to customize; some people just want to be told what to do.
Nevertheless, I’ve found that some tools do work especially well, and for many people.
So, if you’re trying to master a habit, it’s worth considering these top tools, because they’re so widely effective.
You can find all these tools in the Happier™ app, or, if you prefer tangible tools, many also exist in physical form.
As you consider the top tools, it’s a big help to know whether you’re an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger or Rebel. The “Four Tendencies” personality framework reveals a lot about how you can most effectively tackle a habit. Don’t know your Tendency? Take the free, quick quiz here. (More than 3.2 million people have taken it.)
These top tools work for all four Tendencies, but different Tendencies might use or frame the tools differently, to appeal to their perspective.
Don’t Break the Chain — Perfect if you love a streak. You can find this tool in the Happier app — it’s one of the most popular tools there — or you can use the physical Don’t Break the Chain Journal.
Remember: What we do most days matters more than what we do once in a while.
While Rebels don’t like to be chained to a behavior, they do love a challenge. Rebels often use this tool as a way to challenge themselves, and to say to others, “You thought I couldn’t do XYZ? Look at this!”
Numbers Tracker — This is also an extremely popular tool in the Happier app. People like to log their steps, words, minutes, and more. It’s a way to give ourselves “credit.”
We manage what we monitor.
Questioners, especially, tend to like to track.
One-Sentence Journal — Sometimes, when we’re keeping a habit, we want to record details along the way. How easy or hard you found that day’s experience, whether you enjoyed it, what you accomplished, creative challenges you faced, etc.
You can keep a one-sentence journal in the Happier app, or you can use the physical One-Sentence Journal. One nice thing about the actual journal is that it can be a great keepsake — of the books you read to your kids, the recipes you tried, the steps you went through to start your side hustle, etc.
Either way, writing in your One-Sentence Journal gives you a moment for mindful reflection on your habit.
Photo Log — Create a visual record over time. Easy! Creative! So fun.
Like the Don’t Break the Chain or the One-Sentence Journal, it’s a way to keep a streak or a record — but in photo form. For instance, you might take a photo of something interesting every time you “Go Outside 23 in 2023.” A quest is more fun than a jaunt.
I visit the Metropolitan Museum, and I take a photo every time.
Accountability Partners — This is a great tool if you benefit from notifying a friend, family member, coach, or group about your activities, or if you post on social media. This kind of outer accountability is key for Obligers!
For many Obligers, the Happier app or a notebook can itself act as a form of outer accountability. My sister Elizabeth is this way. But for some Obligers, outer accountability must be provided by an actual person. For that kind of person, the Accountability Partners tool works best.
Track Your Total — This tool is terrific if you like to measure numbers that add up over time, such as miles, minutes, or words. You can figure out satisfying milestones such as, “I’ve walked from New York City to Boston.”
Notifications — Sometimes, we just need to be reminded to follow a habit. You can use notifications to remind yourself to work toward your aim and to keep a habit uppermost in your mind.
One added advantage of several of these tools — in the Happier app, in physical form, or otherwise — is that they remind us of all we’ve already accomplished. We can get so focused on our “to-do” lists that we forget to remember our “ta-da” lists of everything we’ve done! Realizing all we’ve accomplished can keep us feeling encouraged and energized to keep going.
Are you joining the “Go Outside 23 in 23” challenge, to go outside for 23 minutes each day in 2023? #Outside23in23. Consider how you might use the Top Tools:
- Don’t Break The Chain
- Numbers Trackers
- One-Sentence Journal
- The Photo Log — Elizabeth will use this, me too
- Accountability Partners
- Track Your Total
- Notification The post Top Tools for Habit Change appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
When we’re trying to create happier lives, we often need to work on our habits; habits are the invisible architecture of everyday life.
But, in case you haven’t noticed, it can be hard to change a habit!
When we’re trying to master a habit, it can help to try a fresh approach—something that seems more fun or manageable than something like a New Year’s resolution.
So, for the last few years, on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, my sister Elizabeth and I have given ourselves and listeners a yearly habit challenge: to “Walk 20 in ’20,” “Read 21 in ’21,” and “Rest 22 in ’22.”
People love this approach! It’s concrete, it’s manageable, it’s a bit whimsical, and we’re all working on an important habit together.
Now we’re ready to announce the 2023 challenge…drumroll…
“Go Outside 23 in 23”—go outside for 23 minutes a day in 2023. We’re so excited about this challenge!
About the ChallengeGoing outside can include anything from walking to bird watching; from yard work to enjoying your morning coffee on your porch—as long as the door closes behind you, it counts.
We chose this challenge because so many good things happen when we go outside. Going outside boosts our physical and psychological health, gives us more time in nature, and helps us mindfully appreciate the moment and our senses. For instance:
- Going outside often encourages us to move more
- Getting sun in our eyes helps regulate our circadian rhythm, boosts mood, fosters calm, and improves sleep (especially early morning sun)
- Being outside helps us get vitamin D
- We often engage with others when we’re outside, so we’re less isolated
- Spending time outside is linked to improved concentration, creativity, and clarity
- Being in nature has many physical health benefits
- Going outside helps us to be mindful of the present moment and our five senses—obviously, this is of special interest to me!
As you consider joining the challenge, if you’d like to learn more about the value of going outside, check out…
- Spending at least 120 minutes a week in nature is associated with good health and wellbeing
- 13 remarkable health benefits of getting outdoors
- 11 scientific benefits of being outdoors
If you go outside for 23 minutes per day for 365 days, that’s 8,395 minutes or about 140 hours outside. Imagine how invigorated you’ll feel by that time outside!
Habit StrategiesAs you consider joining this challenge, here are a few foundational resources about habit change you might find useful:
- My book Better Than Before explores the 21 strategies we can use to build our habits.
- My one-page “Checklist for Habit Change” lists all 21 strategies that you can use to strengthen this habit.
- If you’re struggling to form a habit, take the quick, free Four Tendencies Quiz to find out which strategies will work best for you.
If you’re discouraged because you’ve tried and failed in the past to master an important habit, don’t worry. There’s nothing wrong with you. You probably just set things up in a way that doesn’t suit you. Answers and solutions exist! It turns out that it’s not that hard to change a habit, when you do it in the way that’s right for you. #Outside23in23 is a great opportunity to experiment and learn what works best for you.
If you think it might be hard to hit 23 minutes, remember, everything counts. Park a few blocks away from the store you’re visiting. Walk several blocks to a subway stop instead of going to the closest station. Instead of waiting inside, stand outside while you wait to pick up a child. It all adds up.
If you can, while you’re outside, pay attention. Look at the sky, sniff the breeze, touch the bark on a tree, experience the weather. Allow yourself to experience the moment, with all that it holds.
Participate in the Happier AppNew for this year, the challenge will take place in the Happier™ app, a revolutionary tool designed to help users explore practical strategies, build self-knowledge, and apply that insight to develop the habits that work best for them.
The Happier app offers multiple tools to track participation and progress, including:
- Don’t Break The Chain to mark off each day
- Numbers Trackers to log steps and/or minutes
- One-Sentence Journal to record details you want to remember
- Photo Log to create a visual record over time
- Accountability Partners if you’d like to notify a friend, family member, coach, or group about your activities
- Track Your Total to measure numbers that add up over time
Also, Elizabeth and I know that many listeners (including Elizabeth herself) are Obligers, who need outer accountability to meet inner expectations. Even people who aren’t Obligers often benefit from accountability.
So, to make the challenge more fun and to boost accountability, this year we’ve set a participation goal—one million entries logged by the end of 2023.
Every time you log an entry for “Go Outside 23 in 23” in the Happier app, it counts toward this goal. To celebrate hitting the one million milestone, the Happier app will make a donation to One Tree Planted, a nonprofit organization focused on global reforestation.
Remember, by spending time outside, you’re helping to plant much-needed trees in the world.
How to JoinDownload the Happier app for free to get started. Once you create your account, you’ll see “Outside 23 in 2023” on the home screen. Tap on it, and you’ll be guided to set up your aim to go outside 23 minutes each day and choose a tracking tool.
The challenge officially kicks off on January 1st, so you’ll have time to explore the app — spin the wheel, get practical tips, enjoy audio content, and more. Or, if you’re feeling inspired to get started right away, you can get some extra days in.
If you’re already a Happier app user, you’ll see “Go Outside 23 in 2023” on your home screen starting December 19th. You can participate in the challenge for free, with or without a subscription, and regardless of how many aims you are already tracking.
Learn more about the app and the “Go Outside 23 in 23” campaign here.
If you join the “Go Outside” challenge, use the hashtag #Outside23in23 to post from your daily time outside on social media. As the Strategy of Other People explains, we pick up habits (for better or worse) from other people, so it’s helpful to feel like we’re joining with others. It can give us accountability; it can help us remember what we want; it can remind us of how great it feels to be refreshed and energized.
Ideas to Get StartedAs you think about your #Outside23in23, look for ways to make it easier or more convenient to go outside.
You might…
- go outside to give yourself a few pleasant breaks during your work day
- plan to go outside with someone else, as a way to strengthen a relationship
- play with your dog outside—your dog will be so happy!
- invest in clothing, sunglasses, hat, sunscreen, better earbuds, etc. to make yourself more comfortable outside
- identify errands you could accomplish by walking instead of driving
- find a favorite podcast or audio-book that you listen to only when you’re outside (Strategy of Pairing)
- volunteer to work in a public park
- think about how grateful your future-self will be if you develop a habit of going outside in 2023
- consider how others might benefit if you’re healthier, calmer, and more focused
- identify something you want to learn about, such as bird or plant identification or local history, that will take you outside
- identify a skill you want to practice, such as sketching or pickleball, that will take you outside
- identify a feature of your home that you want to enjoy more, such as a patio, front porch, fire pit, or flowering tree
- think of a feature of your neighborhood that you don’t visit enough, such as a garden, park, or walk
- give yourself a fun assignment, like “Take photos of beautiful trees” or “Learn the names of all the dogs in my neighborhood”
What other tips and resources have you found helpful? Let me know! We can all learn from each other.
I’m writing a collection of Secrets of Adulthood and Aphorisms, and here are a few to keep in mind as you plan to go outside in 2023:
- If you don’t know what to do with yourself, go outside.
- There’s no bad weather, just bad clothing.
- To be comfortable, have clothes for sun, cold, and rain.
- If you want to change, it’s often easier to go from the outside to the inside.
- Every couple should have an indoor game and an outdoor game to share.
- We never regret exercising.
- In nature, all color combinations are pleasing.
Join us for #Outside23in23.
The post Join the Go Outside 23 in 23 Challenge appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
At the beginning of a new year, many of us look for ways to make our lives happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative.
On January 1, many people make New Year’s resolutions—but many people don’t like making these resolutions. How about you?
Maybe you love resolutions (like me). Or maybe you feel discouraged, because you’ve made and broken too many resolutions in the past. Or maybe you don’t like the idea of binding yourself to a resolution, or you think that making a resolution on January 1 seems arbitrary.
(By the way, these responses often correspond to the Four Tendencies. Don’t know if you’re an Upholder, Obliger, Rebel, or Questioner? Take the free Four Tendencies quiz.)
For whatever reason, resolutions don’t work for everyone.
Instead, consider joining a yearly challenge, like #Rest22in22 or #Read21in21, or make a “23 for 23” list with 23 things you’d like to accomplish for the year.
Or try this exercise: Identify one idea, summarized in one word or phase, as your overarching theme for 2023.
My sister Elizabeth and I have been doing this for years. Some of our choices:
- Elizabeth: “Free Time,” “Style,” “Hot Wheels,” “Novel,” “Home,” “Control,” “#6,” “Lighter,” “Butterfly,” and for 2022, “Step.”
- Gretchen: “Upgrade,” “Bigger,” “Lighten Up,” “Re-purpose,” “Delegate,” “Infrastructure,” “Growth,” “Open,” and for 2022, “Salt.”
In episode 408 of the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, we revealed our one-word themes for 2023 and explained why we chose them.
- Elizabeth: Scale
- Gretchen: Wave
Over the years, we’ve found that a one-word theme works best when it’s a word with multiple meanings and associations. When I chose “Salt,” I had no idea how rich and complex that one-word theme would turn out to be.
It’s also fun and helpful if a one-word theme can be expressed visually. Last year, Elizabeth bought me a “Salt” T-shirt (from a salt-and-pepper Halloween costume) that I love wearing.
This year, I realized that I could capture “Wave” in an image by invoking one of the Met’s most famous artworks: Under the Wave off Kanagawa, also known as The Great Wave, by Katsushika Hokusai.
I bought myself some items from the Met’s gift shop to help me keep my “Wave” theme uppermost in my mind.
We asked listeners for their one-word themes, and heard many imaginative, thought-provoking ideas:
- Fresh
- Identity
- Allow
- Pace
- Decide
- Savor
- Share
- Water
- Simplify
- Flexible
- Magic
- Gentle
- Enough
- Forward
- Transition
- Harvest
- Flowering
- Healthy
- Upgrade
- Margin
- Flex
- Whole
- Reflect
- Fun
- Draw
- Dig
- Peacock
- Audible Are you going to choose a one-word or one-phrase theme for the year? It’s a surprisingly fun way to reflect on what we want from the coming year, and to generate ideas to meet those aims.
The post One-Word Themes for 2023 appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Neil Pasricha is a New York Times bestselling author of seven books, including The Book of Awesome (Amazon, Bookshop) and The Happiness Equation (Amazon, Bookshop). He’s also the host of the award-winning podcast 3 Books. The latest installment of his bestselling series, Our Book of Awesome: A Celebration of the Small Joys That Bring Us Together(Amazon, Bookshop), hit shelves this week.
I’ve known Neil and admired his work for many years, and I couldn’t wait to talk to him about happiness, habits, and small joys.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?
Neil: First off, Gretchen! I just want to say thanks. You’ve been talking about me and my OG blog and books with your community since 2009! That’s like the Paleozoic Era of Internet time. So, thanks, more than anything, for your friendship.
Now, to answer your question! What super-high-leverage habit can I impart? This one’s easy for me! Every single day I wake up—with my cell phone out of my bedroom!—and do something I call two-minute mornings.
I grab a pen, a piece of paper, and write down:
- I will let go of…
- I am grateful for…
- I will focus on…
For example, I might write:
I will let go of… comparing how popular my podcast is with Gretchen’s.
I am grateful for… having Internet friends I actually made before my first book still help me for my tenth, the way my 1 year old gets so excited to throw dirty laundry down the stairs, and the one barbecue potato chip in the bag with the most barbecue powder on it…
I will focus on… filling out this Q&A for Gretchen!
Anyway, each of the 3 prompts is backed by research and the practice helps you ‘win the morning to win your day. I could drone on and one about the research here but I’ll just point your readers to a longform viral HBR article I wrote on the concept if they’d like to work it into their life.
Just remember this: The average person is awake for 1000 minutes a day—that’s it!—and taking 2 to do this research-based ritual helps your other 998 minutes be happier.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
You know Gretchen, it’s interesting.
Like you, I grew up reading books. Loved books! And then right about when I was 18 and went to college … I stopped. Not sure if six years of textbooks just beat my love of books out of me or what. But I stopped reading. Stopped! So embarrassing for an author.
I mean I literally remember after my divorce having my not-yet-girlfriend Leslie over to my downtown bachelor apartment and she’s like “Where’s your books?” and I was like “Oh, who has time to read anymore!” and she just looked at me horrified. Like “I should leave this man right now.”
And today? At age 43? I read over 100 books a year. And I know, in my soul, and from the research, that reading books is the single biggest lead domino to almost everything that makes me happy in my life. Reading books makes me a better husband, a better father, a better neighbor, a better citizen, a better activist, a better conversationalist—and all those things bring me great joy.
You may know the George R.R. Martin quote: “The man who reads lives a thousand lives before he dies … the man who never reads lives only one.”
I say we need to read books — real books on real paper — more than ever before. We spend over five hours a day on our phones right now. In a world of endless dings and pings we need to get back to single-tasking. That’s partly why I started up my podcast 3 Books—which you were so kind to be one of my first guests on!—back in 2018. It’s a path to finding great books again.
And, hey, fellow Rubin Lover, if you don’t believe me, take it from a 2011 study published in the Annual Review of Psychology showed that reading triggers our mirror neurons and opens up the parts of our brain responsible for developing empathy, compassion and understanding. That’s EQ! The toughest-to-grow leadership skills of all. Another study from Science Magazine in 2013 showed that reading literary fiction helps improve empathy and social functioning. And, finally, a 2013 study at Emory University showed MRIs taken the morning after test subjects were asked to read sections of a novel showed an increase in connectivity in the left temporal cortex. What’s that? The area of the brain associated with receptivity for language. The MRIs were done the next day.
Just imagine the long-term benefits of cracking open a book every day.
Reading! Books! Reading books! Powerful driver of happiness. Yet 57% of Americans read zero books last year. We have to remember, and get back into, books!
Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit – or to break an unhealthy habit?
Well, lemme stick with “not reading” to “reading” for a second here. I mean, seriously Gretchen, I went from reading four or five books a year in 2017 to reading fifty in 2018 to reading over 100 a year now.
HOW? I’ll give your readers three simple ways to kickstart (if it’s dead) or turbocharge (if it’s alive but sputtering) their own reading habit.
- Centralize reading in your home. Back in 1998, psychologist Roy Baumeister and his colleagues performed their famous “chocolate chip cookie and radish” experiment. They split test subjects into three groups and asked them not to eat anything for three hours before the experiment. Group 1 was given chocolate chip cookies and radishes, and were told they could eat only the radishes. Group 2 was given chocolate chip cookies and radishes, and were told they could eat anything they liked. Group 3 was given no food at all. Afterward, the researchers had all three groups attempt to solve an impossible puzzle, to see how long they would last. It’s not surprising that group 1, those who had spent all their willpower staying away from the cookies, caved the soonest. What does this have to do with reading? I think of having a TV in your main living area as a plate of chocolate chip cookies. So many delicious TV shows tempt us, reducing our willpower to tackle the books.Roald Dahl’s poem “Television” says it all: “So please, oh please, we beg, we pray / go throw your TV set away / and in its place, you can install / a lovely bookshelf on the wall.”
Last year my wife Leslie and I moved our sole TV into our dark, unfinished basement and got a bookshelf installed on the wall beside our front door. Now we see it, walk by it, and touch it dozens of times a day. And the TV sits dormant unless the Blue Jays are in the playoffs. Which isn’t often. 2. Make a public commitment. In his seminal book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Robert Cialdini shares a psychology study showing that once people place their bets at the racetrack, they are much more confident about their horse’s chances than they were just before laying down the bet. He goes on to explain how commitment is one of the big six weapons of social influence. So why can’t we think of ourselves as the racehorses? Make the bet on reading by opening an account at Goodreads, friending a few coworkers or friends, and then updating your profile every time you read a book. Or put together an email list to send out short reviews of the books you read. I do exactly that each month, with my Monthly Book Club Email. I stole the idea from bestselling author Ryan Holiday, who has a great reading list. 3. Change your mindset about quitting. This may be the most important one and it’s a bit subtle. Hear me out! It’s one thing to quit reading a book and feel bad about it. Most of us do this. Vestigial guilt from eighth grade when you didn’t finish reading Lord of the Flies or whatever. But I say: When you quit a book you should feel proud of it. Don’t settle for neutral, Gretchen! It’s pride we want here. All you have to do is change your mindset. Just say, “Phew! Now I’ve finally ditched this brick to make room for that gem I’m about to read next.” I quit three or four books for every book I read to the end. I do the “first five pages test” before I buy any book (checking for tone, pace, and language – things that aren’t gonna change if I like it or not) and then let myself off the hook if I need to stop halfway through.
Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger?
A Rebel!
Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits or your happiness?
Oh my god yes. So, let’s go back to two-minute mornings. Do I try to do that every morning? Yes. What if my one-year-old is up scream-coughing at 4am and I need to take him on a walk around the pitch-black block so he doesn’t wake up everybody else? That happens! So do a million other interruptions. The growth for me, Gretchen, is honestly just not beating myself up when I fall off the wagon. Recognizing that it’s inevitable. And, here’s the important part, non-judgementally getting back on. The getting back on is key. We so often don’t get back on because we’re busy beating ourselves up. So: If I miss doing two-minute mornings today? I just try again tomorrow.
Remember: The goal is not to be perfect. The goal is just to be better than before. To fully borrow one of your book titles.
Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?
You mean like you reading Gary Taubes!? Ha! I’ll never forget when you told me about that on 3 Books.
So, I guess yes: This is perhaps a good time to tell people my backstory. Essentially, in my late 20s, after my wife left and after my best friend took his own life, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and lost forty pounds due to stress. I started going to therapy twice a week, and, here’s the major change, I began a blog to try and cheer myself up. The blog was called 1000 Awesome Things and for the next 1000 straight weekdays I posted a short essay about one small joy in life.
My mind was dark and many of my attempts were duds—my first awesome thing was broccoflower, the ‘strange mutant hybrid child of nature’s ugliest vegetables’—but some posts started making me smile: Bakery air, warm underwear out of the dryer, and playing on old, dangerous playground equipment.
Still, nobody read the blog except for my mom. Although, one day, she forwarded it to my dad and my traffic doubled. And then one day I started getting tens of hits. And then one day I started getting hundreds. And then thousands. And then … millions. It just got bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and then I got a phone call and the voice on the other end of the line said, “You just won the Best Blog in the world award!” And I said, “That sounds totally fake.”
But turns out it was real. It was The International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences and they flew me down to New York City to parade me down a red carpet before handing me the award for “Best Blog”. When I got home to Toronto I found ten literary agents waiting for me in my inbox, eager to turn 1000 Awesome Things into . . . The Book of Awesome.
The Book of Awesome came out in 2010 and landed on the New York Times bestseller list and stayed on international bestseller lists for over 200 weeks over 8 years. Over the next two years a litany of sequels and spin-offs followed: The Book of (Even More) Awesome, The Book of (Holiday) Awesome, The Calendar of Awesome, The Journal of Awesome, The App of Awesome, and on it went.
Over a million copies of the books were sold and it spawned a pre–social media movement of people mailing in photos of themselves with the book in front of famous landmarks and hundreds of elementary and high schools creating plays, projects, and homemade Books of Awesome based on the concept. I got invited to give a TED Talk, got asked to “teach America to be happy” on the Today show, and was flown to Abu Dhabi to speak to the royal family.
What’s the takeaway? Well, it depends what you want, of course. But I paint that story out of people here, now, 14 years later, just to show the potential impact of being ‘hit by a lightning bolt’ or making a sudden change.
And now here we are in 2022 talking about the release of my tenth book or journal: Our Book of Awesome. I would never be here without being there.
Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?
I do really like “No or hell yeah”.
I got this idea from the brilliant Derek Sivers. Here’s how it works: You receive an invitation to do something (a date, a job, a social event, whatever), then take a minute to observe your authentic reaction—which is invariably either one of two things: 1) A super emphatic, fist-pumping, “Hell yeah!” where you’re just shaking with excitement to do it (in which case you do it), or 2) Literally anything else at all (in which case you don’t.
The beauty of this model is that it filters every other positive reaction into a no: “Um, sounds good!”, “Lemme check my calendar, I think I’m open,” or the dreaded, “Can I get back to you?” No, no, all no!
Those are lukewarm reactions that remain positive until just before you get to the commitment and realize you wish you’d said no instead. Maybe you even bail last-minute, which destroys trust and hurts your reputation. It’s much easier to simply filter your options through the “No or Hell Yeah” model up front, to make sure you’re only committing to things you really want to do.
And if that tiny iota of life advice isn’t hitting I also just recently wrote a list of 43 Things I’ve (Almost) Learned By Age 43. Here it is right here.
In your field, is there a common misconception that you’d like to correct?
Yes, people often assume that ‘awesome’ should be reserved for ‘staring into the Grand Canyon’ type feelings only.
I say: No! Wide eyes on graduation stages, father-daughter dances at weddings, healthy babies screeching in delivery rooms – these big moments only ever add up to a tiny, tiny percentage of our lives. We need to train our brains to see awe in the simple and smaller joys of life. Research from Maria Monroy and Dacher Keltner show that experiencing awe is associated with lower stress and inflammation levels and a higher sense of meaning and connection. And awe is quickly being redefined in the literature to apply to small pleasures, too. We were just ahead of the curve! LOL. (Do you remember your cover blurb for The Book of Awesome back in 2010, Gretchen? “Little things, it turns out, are extremely important to happiness.”)
What kinds of small, simple things am I talking about? I’m glad you asked! Here are a few from my new book Our Book of Awesome:
- Successfully carrying the ice cube tray to the freezer without spilling
- When your kids don’t hear you opening a bag of chips
- Seeing your parents dance
- Nailing the timing on that avocado
- When the cake plops flawlessly out of the pan
- Finally unsubscribing from that annoying email you’ve been getting forever
- When the hand sanitizer isn’t that extra slippery kind that never dries
- Adding a gift note to yourself in your online order
- When a human answers the phone
- Actually making the right amount of spaghetti
I have a few secret ingredients to source awesome things:
– I do 1 NNO (“Neil’s Night Off”) a week and my wife does 1 LNO (“Leslie’s Night Off”) each week. We have little kids but these two nights ‘pay for each other’ and it lets me take long walks which is an incredible tool to combat stress and anxiety and fuel creativity. Plus, trees release a chemical called phytoncides which lower cortisol and adrenalin levels. As Thoreau said “Nothing can befall me in life—no disgrace, no calamity—which nature cannot repair.”
– I take deep cell phone breaks—My wife and I keep our chargers downstairs. Research shows exposure to bright light within two hours of bedtime reduces our melatonin production. Everyone’s talking about intermittent fasting with their food. They should be talking about intermittent fasting with their phones.
– I don’t believe in retirement—I believe retirement is a false prophet based on assumptions that are no longer true—that we want to do nothing, that we can afford to do nothing, that we can afford to pay others to do nothing. I believe we don’t actually want to retire. We just want the 3 S’s instead: Social (having friends), Stimulation (always learning), and Story (purpose). If you have those 3 S’s you never need to retire.
I would also, of course, shine a spotlight on anything that you’d particularly like to bring to readers’ attention.
Well, I have a new book! For the first time in 10 years I have returned to writing a new Book of Awesome. It’s a 432-page hardcover from Simon&Schuster and you can check it out right here: www.ourbookofawesome.com
Why did I write this book? Honestly, I’ve found myself feeling overwhelmed by a world that seems messed up with algorithm-infused addictions, widening wealth gaps, destabilizing senses of reality, reductions in privacy and freedoms—all against a backdrop of environmental, political, and mental health turmoil. I have felt raw, fried, chewed up, and spit out, and so I have turned to the medicine that research proves works. Finding small pleasures. Writing them down. Sharing them. Reminding ourselves of the endless simple joys we’re surrounded by every day.
Why is this book called “Our” book of awesome?
As Daniel Gilbert wrote in Stumbling on Happiness: “If I knew everything about you—your race, your income, your health, your nationality—none of it would compare to the strength of your relationships with your friends and family.” I believe the collective ‘we’ is being lost in society today. You can see it in any public space where, instead of interacting, we all have our heads down in our phones.
Our Book of Awesome is the first book of awesome where you can hear voices from people all over the world. (I took out my face, bio, and even the dedication and acknowledgements, so it could feel like our book—not mine.)
In addition to awesome things by me you’ll hear the story of a couple using awesome things to connect on a brief Christmas layover between military stints, a cancer patient using awesome things with her young children, teachers teaching lessons on awesome things to students, and lots of incredible entries from people around the world like:
- Wheelchair accessible nature trails
- Cooking for a loved one whose just been released from 27 years of incarceration
- A steaming bald head after a satisfying winter run
- When you go out for lunch and your daughter is your server
- Hearing the little boys playing upstairs from my basement apartment
What else do you want to share with us, Neil?
Well, sadly, we live in overwhelming times. Nothing is more important—and vital!—today than cultivating the habit of positive thinking. Being happy first is the lead domino to becoming a better spouse, parent, son, daughter, brother, or sister… Our Book of Awesome is a tool to cultivate a positive mindset. I hope it’s helpful for everyone. I know it has been for me. Thank you deeply Gretchen for another joyful connection. I think this has to be our ninth or tenth over the years. It’s a real treat, as always. Grateful for your friendship and the light you endlessly leave on for the world.
The post Author Interview: Neil Pasricha appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Every year, to me, the holidays seem to arrive more suddenly. A few years ago, we almost forgot to make our graham-cracker holiday houses, even though it’s one of my favorite traditions. I kept thinking we had plenty of time—until it was almost time to get on the plane for Kansas City.
I’ve learned that by planning ahead, I can make sure that I take time for everything that’s important to me. Plus, I can stay calm and relaxed, so that a time that’s supposed to be fun stays fun.
Consider these easy prompts each day to plan ahead, check items off your to-do list, and find ways to be present and enjoy the season.
7 Days of Planning1. How do you want to feel this holiday season? Pick a one-word theme to set your intention for the coming weeks. Some ideas: grateful, present, vibrant, slow, connected. (My word is “merry.”) 2. The holidays begin at different times for everyone. To help yourself prepare and enter into the spirit of the year, choose a particular date to kick off your holiday season, such as the day after Thanksgiving or the first day of Hanukkah or Advent. 3. Make a list of don’t-miss holiday activities or traditions that you want to incorporate. What steps can you take now to ensure they happen? Do you need to schedule time on the calendar, gather supplies, or send invitations? (I added graham cracker houses” to my calendar.) 4. If you plan to host guests, start clearing clutter now so you don’t have to rush before a party starts or relatives arrive. Once a week, spend an hour chipping away at tidying tasks. Don’t forget to stock extra items and gifts for unexpected visitors. 5. Write a packing list. Especially if you don’t travel often, a packing list helps ensure you don’t leave anything behind, or bring anything you don’t need. (Tip: Always bring snacks, and always leave room in the suitcase.) Staying put? Plan your gift list ahead of time so you can shop efficiently rather than making multiple trips. 6. Schedule a time to decorate. Planning and anticipating will make holiday decorating feel festive rather than chore-like. Make sure family members or roommates save the date, and make a list of what you’ll do: trim the tree, put out candles, unearth decorations from the basement, hang lights, add evergreen boughs. 7. If you’re feeling anxious about family gatherings, make a plan ahead of time for dealing with difficult relatives or reducing conflict. You can’t control how others behave, but you can prepare yourself to act in a calm, patient, and loving manner.
7 Days of Doing1. Go through your wrapping paper collection and see what you have and what you need. Kraft paper makes for simple and affordable gift wrap, or you could repurpose newspapers and magazine pages. Keep dedicated storage containers for wrapping paper, and label everything so you can find it easily next year. 2. Pick a theme for gift-giving. Buy multiple people the same gift—a book you love, a useful tool, a favorite food item—or purchase the same item for everyone in a different color. 3. Watch your favorite holiday film. Don’t have one? Pick one to watch for the first time. Maybe this new movie will become a yearly ritual. 4. ‘Tis the season for giving back. Consider donating time, money, goods, or skills to a cause you care about. Caring for others is a good way to boost your own happiness, as well as the happiness of those around you. 5. If you’d like to start sending out holiday cards, hang on to the envelopes of the cards you get from other people and store them for next year. That will give you a great start on your address list. 6. Surprise someone with a treat. Bake bread for your mail carrier, give a candle to your dog walker, write a note to your barber. 7. Invent a new tradition. It can be as small and whimsical as you like. Maybe you’ll invite neighbors on a walk to look at lights, make your kids cocoa before bed, create a new dish out of Thanksgiving leftovers, or turn Black Friday on its head by donating items you no longer need.
7 Days of Appreciating1. Enjoy one of your favorite seasonal food items. Bake cookies, make pumpkin bread, simmer cider, or buy something that’s only sold this time of year. 2. Create a five-senses snapshot of the holiday season. What do the holidays look, sound, taste, smell, and feel like to you? Write down one experience for every sense—like listening to a favorite carol or wearing a warm sweater—and plan to appreciate each one this season. 3. Take a photo that captures the essence of this holiday season. Save it to print, use it for next year’s holiday card, or frame it as a gift for someone else. 4. If you observe a tradition that has run its course, allow yourself to leave it behind. Enjoy the space this creates for being present, slowing down, and connecting with others. 5. Put screens away during quality time. Turn off the TV during family gatherings or leave your phone in a different room when sharing a meal with friends. 6. Practice gratitude. Write down a dozen of the experiences, people, and lessons this year for which you’re most grateful. Can you tell someone what they meant to you, or write a thank-you note? 7. Make a time capsule of your year. You might include printed photos, a list of favorite songs, special objects, or a letter to your future self—anything that encapsulates 2022 for you.
With a little forethought, we can help keep the holidays a time of light-hearted fun—and appreciation for the people and traditions we love.
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Mary Beth Albright is a writer, editor, and host at The Washington Post, where she has developed multiple culinary series since she arrived in 2017. She was a project director and subject matter expert for the US Surgeon General, appeared on Food Network, and earned degrees from Johns Hopkins and Georgetown. Her book, Eat & Flourish: […]
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It’s holiday time! For many of us, that means giving gifts. It’s fun to give a gift, when you have a great idea for what item to give. One common challenge? Finding a great gift for teachers or school staff. In episode 406 of the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, we shared suggestions from listeners. […]
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It’s holiday time, and for many of us, that means unpacking and displaying holiday decorations. On episode 405 of the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, we asked listeners for hacks for keeping holiday decorating fun and manageable. We heard many terrific suggestions: Decorate a tree with ornaments that represent people’s favorite hobbies, travel, or milestones Display […]
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In episode 403 of the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, we mentioned that Elizabeth’s writing partner Sarah was a big fan of packing cubes. Neither Elizabeth nor I had never used them, and we were astonished by people’s enthusiasm for this travel hack. Listeners had many suggestions about how to use these cubes, which by helping […]
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Happy holidays from the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast team! Here is our gift guide from episode 404, where we offer many suggestions for holiday gifts, of all kinds: substantial gifts, stock-stuffers, experiences-as-gifts, and handmade. Elizabeth’s current favorite gifts: BarkBox Corkcicle portable coolers Notes to Self socks Gretchen’s current favorite gifts: John Derian Sticker Book […]
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David Sax is an award-winning writer whose work on cultural and business trends has been featured in New York Magazine, Vanity Fair, Bloomberg Business Week, The New York Times, and more. His books include the James Beard Award-winner Save the Deli (Amazon, Bookshop) and #1 Washington Post bestseller The Revenge of Analog (Amazon, Bookshop). His […]
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More and more, it seems, I hear from people who regularly keep a journal—or who want to do it. That’s not surprising, because keeping a journal can be a great tool for building a happier, healthier, more creative life. A journal can help us remember happy times and good experiences. Research shows that recalling happy […]
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Becky Blades is a writer, artist, and strategist. She has built an award-winning communications firm, launched creative marketing departments, and served as an advisor to growing companies. Her new book, Start More Than You Can Finish: A Creative Permission Slip to Unleash Your Best Ideas (Amazon, Bookshop) just hit shelves. I couldn’t wait to talk to […]
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For six years now, every Monday morning, I’ve posted a photo on my Facebook Page of the books I finished during the week, with the tag #GretchenRubinReads. I get a big kick out of this weekly habit—it’s a way to shine a spotlight on all the terrific books that I’ve read. As I write about […]
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I’m very interested in the traditions of everyday life. Research shows that traditions and rituals boost physical and emotional health. They can elevate experiences, enrich memories, strengthen relationships, and reduce decision-making. They can add a sense of whimsy, community, and holiday to our lives. I got curious about new, secular traditions in the United States—ones […]
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Unveiling…this website, new and (vastly) improved! Back in March 2006, I launched this site. I remember the first time I managed to post an image—I was so pleased with myself. I handled that little site all by myself, but over the years, as I added more elements to it, I needed more help as I […]
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Every year, I think, “What, the drug store has already put out the Halloween decorations? It’s too early!” But then, in a flash, we’re in the midst of holiday activity. The holidays are fun, but they can take a lot of time, energy, and money. Planning ahead can make things less stressful. On social media, […]
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For six years now, every Monday morning, I’ve posted a photo on my Facebook Page of the books I finished during the week, with the tag #GretchenRubinReads. I get a big kick out of this weekly habit—it’s a way to shine a spotlight on all the terrific books that I’ve read. As I write about […]
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Interview: Alex Budak Alex Budak is a social entrepreneur, a faculty member at the Haas School of Business at the University of California, Berkeley, and author of the new book, Becoming a Changemaker (Amazon, Bookshop). I couldn't wait to talk to Alex about happiness, habits, and leadership. Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that […]
Recently, at a birthday party, I fell into conversation with three friends and, to my astonishment, I discovered that all three of them had saved someone's life. One had saved a child from drowning in a hotel pool. One had saved her own son from choking at dinner at a restaurant. One had done both—he'd […]
Interview: Amy Impellizzeri and Liz Brown Amy Impellizzeri (a lawyer-turned-novelist) and Liz Brown (a Harvard-grad-turned-law-partner-turned-undergrad-professor) feel strongly about the need for lawyers and law students to innovate and pivot. How to Leave the Law (Amazon), their co-authored follow-up to their respective books, Lawyer Interrupted (Amazon, Bookshop) and Life After Law (Amazon, Bookshop), just hit shelves. As […]
Most of us love to take a good self-knowledge quiz—even something as silly as "Which 'Friends' character are you?" (I'm "Phoebe," by the way.) I'm sure that this love of quizzes is one reason that so many people have taken my "Four Tendencies" quiz. This quiz tell you whether you're an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or […]
Interview: Catie Marron Catie Marron's career has encompassed investment banking at Morgan Stanley, magazine journalism as Senior Features Editor for Vogue, and serving as Chairman of the Board of Trustees for the New York Public Library. She's the creator and editor of two anthologies which explore the value and significance of urban public spaces: City Squares: […]
Wow, it's hard to believe that my book The Four Tendencies came out five years ago. As is so often the case with milestones, it feels like it just happened last year, and also that it happened long ago. I remember when I got my first clue into the existence of the Four Tendencies. I was […]
Interview: Cassie Holmes Cassie Holmes, Ph. D., is a professor at UCLA’s Anderson School of Management and an award-winning teacher and researcher of time and happiness. Her new book, Happier Hour: How to Beat Distraction, Expand Your Time, and Focus on What Matters Most (Amazon, Bookshop), just hit shelves. I couldn't wait to talk to Cassie […]
This is a sponsored post in partnership with Northwestern Mutual. All reviews and opinions expressed in this post are based on my personal view. Over the past two years, we’ve lived through an extraordinary number of challenges—recession; a global pandemic; social, political, and environmental instability—which can leave us feeling uncertain about our future. In response, […]
For six years now, every Monday morning, I've posted a photo on my Facebook Page of the books I finished during the week, with the tag #GretchenRubinReads. I get a big kick out of this weekly habit—it’s a way to shine a spotlight on all the terrific books that I’ve read. As I write about […]
Interview: Shana Lebowitz Gaynor Shana Lebowitz Gaynor is a correspondent for Insider, where she covers career development and workplace culture. Her new book, Don't Call It Quits: Turn the Job You Have into the Job You Love (Amazon, Bookshop), just hit shelves. I couldn't wait to talk to Shana about happiness, habits, and work. Gretchen: What’s a […]
On the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, Elizabeth and I often pose "know yourself better" questions. It's surprisingly hard to know ourselves! When we get better insight into our own values, quirks, and nature, we often identify patterns or spot possibilities to make ourselves happier, healthier, more creative — and more productive. In episode 391, […]
Interview: Seth Goldenberg Seth Goldenberg is a designer, activist, and social entrepreneur who harnesses the power of questioning to catalyze innovation and cultural change. He is the founder and CEO of Curiosity & Co., and his work has been featured in The New York Times, Wired, and Fast Company. His new book, Radical Curiosity: Questioning […]
Interview: Tamar Haspel Tamar Haspel writes the James Beard Award-winning Washington Post column "Unearthed," which looks at how our diet affects us and our planet. She’s also written for Discover, Vox, Slate, Fortune, Eater, and Edible Cape Cod. With journalist Mike Grunwald, she co-hosts the Climavores podcast, which examines food’s impact on climate and environment. […]
A question that I'm often asked is, "How do I spark my creativity?" I find it very helpful to consider this question, to make sure I keep doing the things that keep me sparked! These are the strategies that work for me; I'm also fascinated to learn about other people's methods of stoking their creativity […]
For six years now, every Monday morning, I've posted a photo on my Facebook Page of the books I finished during the week, with the tag #GretchenRubinReads. I get a big kick out of this weekly habit—it’s a way to shine a spotlight on all the terrific books that I’ve read. As I write about […]
Interview: Ed Mylett Ed Mylett is an entrepreneur, performance coach, author, and host of The Ed Mylett Show podcast. His new book, The Power of One More: The Ultimate Guide to Happiness and Success (Amazon, Bookshop), is available now. I couldn't wait to talk to Ed about happiness, habits, and success. Gretchen: What’s a simple activity […]
One item on my "22 for 22" list is to "Take a trip with my daughter Eleanor." And we did it! We just returned from Paris, where we had a wonderful time. After going so long without traveling, I still feel a bit out of practice. Before and during this big trip, I found myself reflecting […]
Interview: Erika Sánchez Erika Sánchez is a poet, novelist, and essayist. Her debut poetry collection, Lessons on Expulsion (Amazon, Bookshop) was a finalist for the PEN America Open Book Award. Her debut young-adult novel, I Am Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter (Amazon, Bookshop) is a New York Times bestseller, a National Book Awards finalist, and is […]