Blog - The Psych Spot: Recent Episodes
Jay Brooksby PhD: Mental Health Counselor, Father, Husband, Business Owner, and Blogger
In this podcast we talk about mental health advocacy, the value of therapy, relationship improvement, dating advice, and our lives.
“I’m losing it Jay. I’m going crazy. I feel like she’s already got her bags packed, and she’s got one foot out the door. I don’t know what to do. When I start to think about it, my head starts to spin, and I feel out of control and like there’s nothing I can do. I’ve screwed up too much. She’s not going to listen to anything I say. There’s no way to take back or make up for all the crap I’ve done.”
This is a version of a story that I hear at least weekly. Their world is crashing down around their knees, and they are at a loss.
Anyone who has ever been addicted and then quit, only did it for themselves. Frequently you’ll hear someone say, I did it for my wife, or my mom, or my boyfriend. I think they’re being 100% honest when they say this, but unfortunately they are setting themselves up to fail.
It’s really critical for people to have some tipping point when they are able to recognize that they need to stop harming themselves and everyone else around them or they are going to wind up dead, in jail, or losing everything they care about. Too often it requires finding bottom; smacking their face into the floor and having some kind of awakening. It’s like slipping on black ice, getting the wind knocked out of you and taking that first sucking breath. As with all lightning quick falls, it’s a bit of an existential crisis. Before you even get up, you do a quick assessment, “Am I hurt?” “Am I in danger?” Then you get up and look around and say, “What just happened?” Often we explain things based on the most available information (Availability heuristic), gravitate to those things that are perceived as rare or fleeting (Scarcity), and seek the simplest solution (Occam’s razor).
That is why addicts will often label another as the reason for their turn around, their second chance, or whatever. But the problem with this type of reasoning is that it is an external cause, an anchor that they don’t control. It makes their sobriety, at least to me, way too fragile. Because if that person, the relationship, or any number of things goes sideways, it removes the reason for sobriety. It leaves them naked! There is no reason in that new world to stay sober.
Sometimes people trade up when their girlfriend dumps them, saying instead “I’m doing it for my family. They need me.” Which again, might be true, but here is my argument. If you never internalize your reasons for being clean and sober, you never have really committed, owned your problems, and determined above all else to improve your life. You’re not doing it for your kids; they will eventually move out. You’re not doing it for your mother; she was making it before you were born just fine and she would survive if you died. You have to be doing it for you because that is the person that you will wake up with for the rest of your life. You’re not going anywhere. So decide and own your choice.
Once when I was about ten I was having a really hard time fitting in at school. I was still the new kid, after moving into the area two years earlier. I was the reject, the outcast; I was not cool enough. It was a hard time. Then just when I thought I was making headway and getting a little traction with the cool kids, I got kicked back into my place. Literally, I got kicked.
I don’t know why, but I had chosen to have a major crush on the coolest girl in the school (let’s call her Tiffany), and if I’m honest, she was mean! For two years I had nurtured my crush on Tiffany. On a scale of infatuation, this was epic. I was head over heals! Just imagine any sappy, made-for -TV special. Nerdy boy trapped in an impossible relationship triangle of… well, one.
What can I say? I was an optimist. Any little smile or word fed that raging desire in my little prepubescent heart. I think we got to be in the same reading group once, there were a few laps at a skating party, and I can remember trying to sit near her on the bus. For a poor, generic LA Gear Pumps wearing, eternal new kid, I could not have been more perfectly set up for failure. I was a zero. But it wasn’t just me. Everybody wanted to be in Tiffany’s group. She had grown up in that school, she was pretty, she wore the right clothes, and she even had friends in sixth grade. Her popularity was comprehensive. She had it all, and she knew it.
Around this same time I had managed to find a couple of friends, really, just two. I’ll call them Chris and Mark. Chris was a little guy, but Mark stood at six foot something and was the giant of the fifth grade, or really the whole school. He was even taller than most of the sixth graders. Unfortunately though, even with Mark’s mass, between the three of us we had only accumulated the influence of an average third grader. We were outcasts, but at least we had each other, right?
One day on the playground I saw Tiffany’s group across the field and decided to give the in-crowd a chance. As soon as I made the move Chris was out, but Mark came along. Which was fine with me, I was up for anything, so long as Tiffany was part of it. I don’t actually remember what happened, but as soon as we got close enough for Tiffany to recognize that her bubble of cool had been pierced by two nincompoops, she was instantly revolted and enraged. So like any self-respecting fifth-grade mean girl queen, she sent my friend over to get rid of me. I can imagine her saying something like, “Get him out of here Mark!”
Mark had a quick decision to make: Be cool for a day, and clobber me, or rejoin the socially damned. Not a hard choice for a kid with very little social capital or clout of his own. So of course he chased me down, which again, wasn’t hard given my diminutive pre-testosterone influenced form.
In the end it was all over very quickly, even though I saw it coming and had a bit of a head start. The long and short of it, a guy that I had confided in, hung out with, and even cheated in math with, gave me a massive, but awkward kick from behind, and then shoved me down for good measure. It was all very effective. I flew face first into that soggy, northwest playfield. I was soaked, muddy and humiliated.
I’m sure I wanted to cry. I didn’t, of course. If I had, I would have given up any remaining dignity and positive belief about my own burgeoning manhood and future social life.
So what do you do when you find yourself kicked out of the in crowd with a face full of turf? Beats me. But I can tell you what I did. I got up and I got out. I quit the crush, and I quit my “sometimes friend” Mark. I didn’t need to know more. I had learned my lesson. I now knew that, given the opportunity for personal glory, Mark would not be at my side. Instead he would be absent. He would take the carrot. He was my sometimes-friend.
What a defining moment in my life. At the time I had so little emotional intelligence, so little social intelligence, and not a lot of other options at that school. I’d been blackballed; the temporary illusion of popularity or even moving into the social middle class was not an option for me, but I did have a huge reservoir of “screw you,” moxie, or if you want another word, call it self-determination.
I’m pretty sure I never talked about this experience with anyone. Not my brothers, my parents, and not even Chris. I was too ashamed.
When I work with clients that have been through a hard time like a death, job loss, bad relationship, or just plain trauma, they often use their misfortune as the perfect evidence of their imperfection. They’re broken, no one understands, and they may even feel like they will have to suffer with the results for the rest of their lives. Well, you could make that choice, but you could just as easily make the choice to live a different story. I know I just said “easily,” and this might sound like I’m minimizing, but just go with it. You have to accept the shame, the hurt, and all the gross and dirty feelings that you might have about whatever happened to you. Because recovery is not about not feeling all of that stuff. This is not, “How to not get hurt,” or “How to never feel angry again.” Welcome to earth! You are not exempt from emotions, and you’re fighting a loosing battle if you try to avoid them. Our emotions are the best data we have. They are time sensitive; they are efficient. But most of the time we minimize and question them. We discount them saying that we shouldn’t be emotional. For me it’s never about eliminating emotion; rather it’s acknowledging, emphasizing, and developing emotional awareness and emotional intelligence. Because generally 9 times out of 10 they are pointing us in the right direction. So find a goal. What do you want to be? What do you want to feel? Head in that direction. Then challenge yourself to live in the present.
I want to tell you guys a story about my dad. Like most people, I’ve learned a lot from my folks, and this story has to do with everything I know about persistence and endurance. But specifically, it’s about academic persistence and career persistence; the persistence that it takes to find your ideal job/career.
Making something intentional makes a huge difference for you, in terms of psychological traction. Here’s an example: If you have stereotypical laziness and procrastination, you’re watching something from Redbox or Netflix, and you’re surfing the web. You’re cruising Pinterest, a little Facebook here and there, getting lost on Mashable or whatever it may be. If it’s the traditional wasting of time, you get no psychological benefit from that. In fact, it makes you grumpier. It makes you feel lazy. It probably validates any negative beliefs you have about yourself. So, it’s bad juju; don’t do that.
I am a psychologist that specializes in treating men. If you’re 18-80, I work with you. If you’ve got ADHD, trauma, addiction, relationship problems, career problems, you’re an ideal client. If you’ve served in the military, if you’re a first responder, police, firefighter, if you’re a lawyer, a doctor, a business owner, a coder, a gamer, an electrician, a carpenter, or if you drive a truck – I’m your guy.
I’ve written about relationships before, but a few of you asked for more specific ideas and examples of how to get closer. Here are a few of my random thoughts on behaviors that I think matter a great deal in relationships.
So I’m constantly working with guys who are at some stage of change. Or at least they recognize that something needs to change. Their mood has gotten bad enough, they’re tired of their crap job, or their terrible relationship skills have served them up with an ultimatum.
The funny thing is that a lot of them don’t want to change. Can you blame them (or anybody) for not wanting change? Nope! That’s because change sucks!
So there's this really lame joke that therapists are always hearing. Eight or nine times out of ten when I introduce myself and tell someone that I am a psychologist, they laugh and say, “Ha, bet you have me all figured out already,” or “Ha, guess you've been analyzing me. Maybe I should come by sometime.” I laugh politely and say, "No, no.” But here’s the truth: I’m lying. Because I’m always watching people! It’s what I have carved my life into. I've made it my business to see how people behave, why that might be, if they are happy, mad, sad, or simply making a show of an emotion, playing everybody else. It’s a blessing and a curse. But I’m not the guy that’s going to call people out when I just met them and especially not in public.
Brains are amazing things, you know? They can grow, help us learn, and actually create new, never-before-seen, heard, tasted, or felt creations! They also hold our personality and our beliefs about ourselves, in relation to other people and the world. What am I? Am I good or bad? What am I good at? Am I worthwhile or worthless?
So here is the thing. I think we as humans hold amazing potential for healing, achievement, and creation, but we often operate at such a basic level. What's true in my life is also true in many of your lives. We can do more. Here is some great motivation.
I want to tell you all about this book I’m reading.
Daring Greatly by Brené Brown PhD, LMSW
EVERYONE SHOULD READ THIS BOOK. I have referenced the author before in one of my posts on shame. Dr. Brene Brown is a vulnerability and shame researcher from the University of Houston, and her work rocks!
Every now and then I want to share things that I think are really cool. It’s just another way for you to get to know me.
When my brothers and I were in high school, we got really into mountain biking. Well, this video takes that and pumps it up a few clicks!
If you are a man who needs to know how to improve your relationships, you have to watch this. If you are a man who needs to know how to challenge yourself and achieve that next career goal, you need to watch this. And if you have children, you need to watch this.
I’m stoked to announce a pretty important pivot I’m going to make at The Psych Spot. It’s something that I’m both terrified of and crazy excited about. So here it is.
From this point on, I will be focused on helping Men and boys, 13 and up. I have done awesome and really excellent work with my female clients and I will continue to see women and couples, but I want those men looking for therapy to have a clear option at The Psych Spot. Why the change? Because as a man, I’ve experienced many challenges in my relationships, my career, and my own mental health that would have been awesome to have some help with.
I really like this series. The feedback so far has been awesome! I think I’ll try to do more series posts. I generally have enough to say. Plus, I’m learning a ton of great stuff that I love sharing. So I hope you are getting how crazy important the morning can be for ADHDers. Today I’ve got more for you.
Well this week I’m talking all about mornings and my own desperate adventures, trying add structure to the beginning of my day. Yesterday, I talked all about sleep. As it turns out, sleep has a huge impact on our brain’s ability to achieve peek performance. Even though I know I need more sleep, it’s hard to make it happen. With three kids at home, I long for those few hours at night after their bedtime. It’s such a relief! But I still stay up too late, and once I finally go to bed, I get mediocre sleep, since the kids seem to take turns getting up in the night, and my 11 month old has a biological clock set to wake up at 5:30 these days. (Stupid daylight savings time. Thanks for nothing.) So honestly, my sleep is still a work in progress.
And… I’m back. It’s been a tough two weeks. Have I mentioned how painful writing is? It’s really like pulling teeth. Getting my wisdom teeth out was a breeze compared to this! But I write so you can get to know me and hopefully gain some valuable information. But yeah, it’s not that I haven’t been writing, I just haven’t published. That’s because my writing has been, well, crap.
Depending on who you are, you’re likely in one of two camps: You either buy into this thing we call ADHD, or you think it’s a truck load of Tagro. I frequently talk to people who are in the latter party. Many times when you talk with these people, you often find yourself asking if you accidentally became involved in a political or religious debate. What just happened?! Tons of passion, lots of “back in my day,” and “well I’m not giving my kid drugs.” And it goes on.
Anxiety Anxiety Anxiety. Really? Yep it’s a routine thing for many people. Me included! Something about starting a business and poverty that nurture it like a little pet pumpkin that will soon win the GIANT PUMPKIN CONTEST!
In this episode Jay and Courtney introduce the concept of relationship repair and discuss four ways that you can strengthen romantic relationships.
I met with a man once who had just been separated from his wife. They had been married 10 years and had four beautiful children. He was devastated! This was a burley dude – beard and all, crying like my two-year-old at bedtime. He loved her, and he longed to be back with her! But he stated that it was not going to work. He had been emotionally abusive, and now, even though he may have said the word divorce first, she was the one filing papers. There was no solution in sight.
Are you in one of those magical relationships with little to no arguments or fights and frankly you're getting bored? For those of you who need to spice things up and want a surefire way to cause conflict in your relationship here is the perfect formula.
I’ve been doing a lot of work with men recently, helping them be the men that they really hope to be. Sounds easy. It should be, right? Find a killer career, get married, and raise a family. What else is there, right? Well, it is pretty hard, because I think it takes a lot more to be a successful man today than at any time before.
I’ve had a few questions from folks recently about anxiety. “Hey Jay, I’ve got anxiety about [this]. What should I do?”
It’s really pretty normal for people to struggle with anxiety, but most people are so embarrassed and ashamed, that they mostly suffer in secret.
The National Institute of Mental Health has found that anxiety disorders are the number one mental health concern for women and second among men, only topped by alcohol and drug abuse. This works out to be roughly 17 percent of Americans or fifty million people. That’s a big chunk of America!
It's Monday! Time to recover from the weekend and get productive. One of my favorite ways to get motivated and start my day is with a TED Talk. This is one of my favorites! It turns out that smiling is a powerful way to improve your overall wellbeing. This is a great reminder for me this morning, because Mondays are not something that bring an automatic smile to my face. Cinnamon rolls do, Mondays generally don't. So here is a great way to improve your Monday if you don't have a hot fresh cinnamon roll or other favorite pastry. Enjoy!
"Smiling can help reduce the level of stress-enhancing hormones like cortisol, adrenaline and dopamine, increase the level of mood-enhancing hormones like endorphin and reduce overall blood pressure."
One of the most difficult parts of major depression is the way it prevents movement and growth. It’s as if you have been frozen with some freeze ray from Gru (Despicable Me reference). Your mood rules all, and you cannot get yourself out.
Today is national suicide awareness day. If you or someone you love is having thoughts of suicide please get help. The national suicide help line is a great resource! If you're in my area, give me a call 253-778-6529.
I need to write something. So this might just be an exercise. I can’t concentrate yet though. Not enough caffeine! That’s what it’s like to have ADHD. I just feel sluggish, and my mind won’t really connect the dots. It’s like I want to write and get something done today, but I just feel brainless. Like it’s not plugged in. It took me about 30 years to figure out that I had some kind of attention problem and then a while longer before I actually got the ADHD diagnosis, and I still haven’t got an appointment with a doctor to talk about meds (Very ADHD thing to do. Ha, no follow through). I manage ok, but I wonder about everyone else with attention difficulties. Lots of people, like me, figure that they haven’t had enough sleep, or they might blame constant distractions, or - my favorite - a lack of self-discipline. We say, “If I just worked harder...” And that’s funny because that’s exactly what we have been hearing from older siblings, parents and teachers our whole lives.
We have a really hard time being vulnerable.
Being vulnerable means accepting weakness, a lack of knowledge, skill or ability.
The reality is that men suffer from mental health issues and benefit from counseling just as much as women do, but often men’s symptoms look a bit different or are just never reported. Men’s mental health is almost a misnomer. Google “men’s mental health” and you really come up with very little.
This is a great talk from Kevin Briggs of the California State Patrol. He shares stories about working the Golden Gate Bridge, the most used suicide spot in the United States. Last year 46 people died after jumping from the bridge. It's not all bleak though, because funding for protective barriers were approved this summer.
The terrible and wonderful thing about a celebrity suicide is that everyone hears about it. Otherwise, most suicides are not spoken of, because they are exceptionally hurtful to family and friends and a source of a great deal of shame for survivors.
We have a choice. We can maintain the status quo and watch news of suicide, depression, divorce, and dissatisfied careers. Or we can choose to be different, by changing the way we think, speak, and act around issues of mental health.