Any Fool Can...: Recent Episodes
Paul Cromford
You're the main character in a swashbuckling adventure movie; captured by the villain, you've been thrown into his dungeon. Your friends will spring you soon, but in the meantime you share your confinement with an odd character who's been there forever, sitting in a corner talking to himself in all sorts of funny voices, about all sorts of things. Paul Cromford is That Man. Please take him with you when you get rescued!
Here's the latest instalment of Arthur Pendragon's modern-day saga 'The About Time Too King', in the final edition of Season Three. I hope you've enjoyed, or got something, out of these podcasts; next year the story-strands ('King', 'Forever Blowing Bubbles', 'Mithered' and the Marriott & Pat series) will appear in a somewhat different format... but I don't know what that format is yet! Keep an internet eye peeled for related news.
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
For the penultimate edition of Season Three, I've thrown the spotlight on the podcast's theme music, which started life as a song by some daft brush named Cromford. The song's called 'Tit For Tat' and the lyric is self-explanatory; if you hunt down the song on my website (paulcromford.com, 'Original Music and Lyrics') you can bounce a little mental blue ball along the words as they get sung. Minutes of fun!
Continuing my tale of 'The About Time Too King' (Arthur Pendragon and his unlikely modern-day cohorts); in this instalment Merlin Pettifer makes a few 'phone calls... and several startling discoveries. Lend an ear to discover all.
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
In this edition of AFC, I cock (what is for me) an overdue snook at such ultra-liberal conceits as cancel culture, gender fluidity and the extinction rebellion shower... and yes, I refuse to dignify the latter bunch with capital initials. Aren't you tired of all the bullying, all that inflated sense of entitlement, all that hypersensitivity on behalf of unconsulted sections of society? Don't you find all of that eagerness to Take Offence At Something deeply offensive in itself? Yep, me too.
Beginning a continuation of my story-strand concerning Arthur Pendragon and his uphill preparations to defend 21st-century England against her deadliest-ever danger... whatever that might prove to be. To recap this story, see the following episodes in AFC Season Two: "...Pine For Chivalry" (2:10), "...Scoff At Reincarnation" (2:12) and "...Talk The Talk" (2:24).
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
Ringo wanted to stay with an octopus, George wanted to pay a bit less tax, John wanted his mother, and Paul... what did Paul really really want? This edition of 'Any Fool Can...' suggests our Paulie wanted to be something rather less salubrious than a writer of paperbacks. Get the lowdown here!
Action stations! Here's one more instalment from my concept 'Forever Blowing Bubbles': this is the final part of the four-part story 'Evangeline's Echo'. Comedy is in short supply this time; revelation follows revelation, and if you haven't got a lump in your throat by the end, I will have failed!
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
Nobody likes a smartarse, apparently. That's a strange fact, isn't it? After all, those clever-clogs are only trying to raise the bar so that the rest of us can try harder... and surely no rational person would fight shy of being the best they can be? Surely? Or maybe you know differently!
More from the sketch-strand 'Forever Blowing Bubbles': this is Part Three of the four-part story 'Evangeline's Echo'. Who was Buck Rumpley? Why is Commander Hassock behaving so strangely? Where is Talfryn's backside? And what has Phobes got in his earphones? Some of the answers are here...
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
Nothing to do with obscenity, this episode: it's about insensitivity, usually displayed by people too young or inexperienced to realise how crass they sound! The guest reader is my obliging friend Reginald Vera Petheringhamtonovichinstein.
A return to the sketch-strand 'Forever Blowing Bubbles', and Part Two of the story 'Evangeline's Echo'. Part One was first made public in AFC Season Two, Episode 22 (Any Fool Can... Stay Flippant). This time around, find out -- among other things -- what has accosted Talfryn, what Commander Hassock keeps in his wallet, and what Phobes does when he can't sleep.
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
They're grizzled & paunchy, they shuffle & shamble, their appearances cost a mortgage or two. What are they? Why, they're the dribbly old men and women of pop music, surviving since the 1960s and STILL hogging the concert limelight. This episode of AFC asks: why can't they all just buzz off once and for all?
Presenting one more episode of the series 'Mithered' for this season: Clint and Harry are together again, united by their reciprocal dislike, and we find out where you really shouldn't linger on an English Saturday evening.
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
The kindness of strangers is given a spotlight in this edition: specifically, two people who came to my aid when I was in serious physical difficulties. I was deeply grateful way back then, and still am. Whoever those saviours were, I hope they've had a happy and comfortable life.
Continuing my comedic series 'Mithered', featuring tetchy little Clint Eastworth and the enigmatic American, Harry Giggleswick. This instalment reacquaints us with the shady Mr Melchizedek, and we find out what Harry intends to do with Mrs Eastworth. The rogue!
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
Fantastic! Amazing! Brilliant! Awesome! Are you getting thoroughly fed up of seeing these words being used to describe every mediocre thing around you? Yes, me too. I would say it's incredibly annoying, but the word 'incredibly' is also annoying because it turns up just about everywhere. This edition of AFC is a curmudgeonly grumble about the exaggeration game!
Presenting the next instalment of my comedic series 'Mithered': this is the one featuring tetchy little Clint Eastworth and the enigmatic American, Harry Giggleswick. Previously featured in the Season 2 episodes "...Covet A Croissant" (2.02), "...Run And Hide" (2.04) and "...Have Their Head Turned" (2.20), this story is now putting out shoots all over the place and even I don't have much control over it! Let's go with its flow together.
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
In this edition, meet my guest speaker Clara. She's efficient, obedient, and she doesn't exist... except as a voice generated by Text-To-Speech software. Are you planning to use such technology in your own endeavours? Then you ought to hear what Clara has to say.
Continuing the adventures of Pat Moore and the newly-plural Marriott Frinton, previously featured in 'AFC... Talk To Themselves' (Episode 4 of this Season). In this episode, Pat and Marriott the Elder fall foul of a police constable bringing his bolshie Black Country ways to the Scottish Western Isles. What can the other Frintons do?
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
If 'The Lark Ascending' and 'Fantasia on a Theme of Thomas Tallis' are to Ralph Vaughan Williams what 'Harvest' was to Neil Young, then the music in this edition is Vaughan Williams' 'Ragged Glory'! Or maybe I mean 'Tonight's The Night'... either way, it's Ralphie as the concertgoer seldom hears him.
Continuing the adventures of Marriott Frinton and Pat Moore, previously featured in 'AFC... Go So Far' (Episode 2 of this Season). Does Mr Frinton have the very best reason to talk to himself? You decide.
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
It is written: "Man shall not live by bread alone"... not when there's a decent gas grill or (shudder!) an electric toaster handy. Catch this little tribute to the simplest gastronomic pleasures, and bring an appetite along!
This is the latest instalment in the whimsical saga of Marriott Frinton and his friend 'Patacake' Moore. You were puzzled by them in 'AFC... Be Accident Prone', You tut-tutted at them in 'AFC... Gawp At TV', You gave them an old-fashioned look in 'AFC... Unblock A Gutter'. Now thrill to their adventures in some place an awfully long way away.
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
The opening episode of Season Three celebrates the extraordinary achievement of deep-sea diver William Walker in Winchester Cathedral, at the start of the 20th century. What did he do? He stacked bags... but oh my, the circumstances in which he did it!
Intrigued? Have a listen...
Season Two (S02) concludes with this new sketch featuring Arthur Pendragon, his motley group of true believers, and a bowl of snack stuff from Grape Tree or similar. The whole story to date now spans S02 episodes 10, 12 and 24... and there's still so much more to tell!
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
Today's theme gives me the perfect opportunity to air one of my own songs --- the backing-track of which has been continuity-music throughout my sketch-centred episodes! It's only a demo but I hope you like it.
Presenting the latest instalment in the spoof seafaring adventure series 'Forever Blowing Bubbles': continuing the story from episodes 6 and 8 in the current season of this podcast. Join Commander Hassock and his 'Skipjack' crew for the first part of a mystery serial entitled 'Evangeline's Echo'.
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
Celebrating the benefits of what some might consider very infra-dig... and continuing an analysis of my song-project 'Film' (see Season 1 for your catch-up). A 'by-the-numbers' approach can often be rather helpful, and even more so if you're laying down your own numbers to begin with!
Presenting a BRAND NEW instalment in the 'Clint & Harry' sketch series, following on from the sketches in episodes 2 and 4 of this season. A plot -- of sorts -- now begins to thicken.
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
It isn't difficult to frundipate the language if you need a parguint that it doesn't currently possess. Edward Lear and Lewis Carroll did it all the time, intentionally, with imblidderifous ease; however, the accidental new word can be just as satisfying... as this anecdote explains.
Presenting one sketch first made public in November 2020, and one BRAND NEW sketch (April 2021): Marriott Frinton continues to find that with friends like Patacake Moore, no insurance company in the world would look at him.
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
It used to be that the spectacle of a grown man in shorts, when not doing something sporty, was ridiculous. Roderick Spode (in Wodehouse's Jeeves stories) is a figure of fun not least because of his costume. How did things get so topsy-turvy? This episode is a rant about the infantilisation of the adult human male.
Presenting two sketches that were first made public in May and July 2020: Patacake Moore and the Twelve-and-a-Half-Inch Reflectors strut their musical stuff, and Mr Moore demonstrates to Marriott Frinton that a TV isn't necessarily all it seems.
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
Or: how the dazzling array of processing-effects now available to any spare-bedroom studio musician is a mixed blessing. Also, is it time for someone to blow the whistle on Messrs Lennon & McCartney?
Presenting two sketches that were first made public in April and May 2020. Join Marriott Frinton, the world's most accident-prone practitioner of applied origami, and his xylophone-playing astronomer friend Mr Moore, who might remind you queerly of someone else...
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
Do you often feel, when you're addressing people face to face, that nobody's listening and you might as well talk to a brick wall?
You're right, and here's how I know...
Presenting three sketches that were first made public in December 2020 and January & February '21. Arthur Pendragon starts rebuilding his old squad, 'Round Table Wanderers', to field against 'Forces Of Darkness Disunited' in the coming re-match.
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
Or... how 'The Road Not Taken' is all about "Making Your Flippin' Mind Up"!
A brief tour of one of the best-known poems by Robert Frost, asking how well we really know it.
Presenting two audio sketches that were first made public in August and October 2020. He's back, and he's looking for his old Round Table chums: someone had better start pulling the dust-sheets off the Camelot furniture!
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
Are you lucky enough to be paid for doing the thing you enjoy the most? Conversely, does the prospect of that situation fill you with anxiety? It just goes to show that one person's Incentive is another person's Daunting Prospect of Pressure. Are you a reluctant talent, or do you know one? Then give ear to this episode...
Presenting two audio sketches that were first made public in December 2020 and January 2021. Meet the cast of the minisub series 'Forever Blowing Bubbles', and hear their most recent adventure, a liquorice-dark black comedy.
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
Is life really (as Homer Simpson famously remarked) "just a buncha stuff that happens", or can a weird-enough coincidence sometimes be called fate? Listen to this anecdote and decide for yourself...!
Presenting three audio sketches that were first made public in July and September 2020. Join the crew of the minisub 'Skipjack' (enigmatic Commander Hassock, stolid Talfryn and nervy Phobes) in their, um, ineffable adventures.
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
You might be tempted to think it's a fairy-tale, an impossibility... unless you happen to be Swiss!
The Guardian article mentioned in this episode can be found here (if the link isn't broken yet):
https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2014/mar/12/lobbying-10-ways-corprations-influence-government
Presenting two audio sketches that were first made public in September and November 2020. Pity poor Clint Eastworth, our harassed little chap from episode 2; he's not making an easy life for himself in these sketches. What kind of cruel swine would inflict such misfortune on him?
Ah, that'll be me then.
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
In praise of the comic genius Jerome K Jerome, the best literary mind to come out of the West Midlands.
Of course you're familiar with 'Three Men In A Boat', but how well do you know its sequel?
Presenting two audio sketches that were first made public in April and June 2020: for the want of a croissant (or several), a stroppy little shopper brings a heap of trouble on his head...
Characters and sketches © 2020-21 Paul Cromford (me); the author (me again) hereby asserts his moral rights to ownership of same.
New season! Tighter, brasher, funkier, and twice a week; dammit, this podcast will be essential!
The opening episode explains all...
The last episode of this tentative First Season: bucket lists are all very well, but have you got a barge-pole list? What sort of things do you never intend to do in your whole life?
Considering our strange tendency to seek anonymity in the crowd: to do what it does, think as little as it does, go where it goes. Don't let yourself become a lemming!
To go with your robot Ringo, why not bolt together a bogus bass-player? One that plays the right lines, and doesn't need plying with constant cups of your best coffee!
The dancing gene, discussed and analysed; was my father the first Grandad-Dancer? And why do I need a wardrobe around my neck before I'll sway?
Was it Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? Or was it Snow White and the Magnificent Seven? The subtleties of casting for film or TV.
Welcome to the Linguistic Pedantry Club: please knock for admittance. That's 'Admittance' NOT 'Admission'; not around here, anyway...
For computer-made music connoisseurs only: this episode showcases the sequenced drums track for one of my long-standing music productions, 'Film'.
How I slipped into the warm, cosy habit of making my own drum-patterns and drums tracks for music. Having limitless patience helps, of course.
If your performance is going wrong you might be heckled; if you're doing everything right you might be heckled. You can't please the hecklers so just please yourself!
If something's worth knowing, it's worth memorising -- that's what most of those gazillions of brain cells are for!
Proving that no skill is too basic to completely forget, and that the humble egg has subtle depths...
It's not as tricky as it seems, to make the kind of music you'll never hear playing in supermarkets while you're buying your aubergines. Let's find out how!
If you haven't yet had to test yourself for Covid-19 infection, here's the UK process described in reassuringly daft terms.
Oh....I beg your pardon, I was miles away!
In defence of the noble art of daydreaming, drifting off, zoning out with the fairies and generally gathering wool!
Introduction to the podcast: who am I calling a fool, and is being a fool necessarily a Bad Thing?