Blanchard LeaderChat: Recent Episodes
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Dear Madeleine,
I think I have a generational disconnect going on. I am a millennial (though I was born in 1981, so many people think I am GenX) and I supervise a lot of young people right out of college—classic GenZ people.
I am really struggling with this notion of privilege. When I was a kid, privileged basically meant people who had special advantages and tended to be oblivious about how much easier that made their lives, and how easily opportunities fell into their laps. To me, anyway, it almost always meant wealth.
Now, however, the term privilege seems to be used pejoratively about anyone who has something that somebody else doesn’t have. I feel like the young people I supervise are always looking around for things they see as unfair or offensive.
Just last week, I was explaining that a big project had gone to another group. Someone said the reason we didn’t get it was that the other group’s supervisor has a friend on the executive team. I replied that the choice was made because it is a global project and the other team has a lot more members on the East Coast, which makes the multiple time zones easier to manage. Some people seemed mollified, but others doubled down on their discontent.
My point here is: who cares? There are plenty of projects to go around, and there is no value whatsoever in investing in the whys and wherefores of how decisions get made. I don’t understand the knee-jerk reaction to assume that when someone else gets an opportunity you wanted, it is for a nefarious reason. It seems as if young people automatically assume the game is rigged and they will always be on the losing end.
I keep reiterating the only thing that matters is that we work hard, stay out of trouble, and produce good work. At least in our organization, my experience tells me we are created equal. If we strive to be competent and keep our commitments, that’s what matters.
Am I simply from a generation that is overly optimistic? What am I missing here?
Gen Z Confusion
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Dear Gen Z Confusion,
There is a lot to unpack here: generational differences, notions about privilege, taking offense from—well—pretty much everything. I started doing some research on all of it, went down a massive rabbit hole, and got myself in a muddle. Then, to reboot my brain, I read your letter about five more times. Here is what I have for you.
I don’t think this is a generational difference. I don’t think this is about privilege. I think what you are dealing with are some individuals in your group who have developed the habit of looking for stuff to rail against. This habit is not limited to any one generation. It has probably been part of the human condition since the advent of Homo habilis—roughly 2.8 million years. For every innovative early man celebrated for figuring out how to use a stone as a new tool, you can bet there was someone throwing shade. This insidious habit is a little like pinkeye—extremely contagious and just as nasty.
This might help you better understand what you are dealing with: the behavior you are experiencing is resentment. Brené Brown (whom my colleagues and I call “Auntie Brené” because she is such a font of wisdom) says this about it:
“Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.”
Atlas of the Heart, pg. 33
Some of your people are putting a lot of energy into pointing out the ways life isn’t fair. There are definitely those who will swear this is a defining feature of Gen Z, but I can attest that plenty of Boomers did it. It may be more common among the young. As people get older, they tend to develop some equanimity around the sad truth that life is not fair and learn to get on with things. At least the lucky ones do.
The question is: what can you do about it? The key is to identify the people who are infecting the whole crew and keep them from doing it.
You might start with a candid conversation with each of them, individually. As you prepare, there might be some value in understanding the part you play in the dynamic. I understand your question “Who cares?” means you don’t really care and you don’t think anyone else should, either. It is a valid point, and you are the boss, but being right isn’t going to help you here. The more you resist caring, the more resistance you will get from people who think you should care. So step one is to get curious.
You can start with some questions to better understand the grievers’ grievances. They may have some valid ones—and you might find yourself caring more than you expected to. Even if that isn’t the case, simply listening can be perceived as caring and can often diffuse negative feelings. Questions you might ask are:
- Do you think there is a lot that goes on around here that is unfair or unjust?
- How does this affect you in your day-to-day work?
- What do you think can be done about it?
- Do you think you should be getting more of something (choice projects, pay, time off, influence) that you are not getting? How might I support you in getting it?
- Do you think there is anything within my control that I should be doing something about?
- Do you see how your focusing on perceived unfairness might not be useful in group settings?
- What might be different if you focused on what is working well for the team instead of what isn’t?
This conversation alone may change the dynamic. If it doesn’t, you can make a request. Ask the most vocal grumblers to stay focused on the positive and keep their complaints limited to conversations with you so that you can troubleshoot them together.
You can also share with your entire team that you have noticed a tendency to over-focus on real or potential negatives, which bogs everything down, and you would like to experiment with how to shift it. You probably aren’t the only one to notice this tendency. You might be surprised by ideas generated by others on the team.
Consider working together to come up with a shared vision and credo for the team. It would be made up of the possibility of excellence and the team’s shared values—essentially what everyone on the team thinks is most important in terms of working well together, doing the best possible job at any given time, and what makes the team especially valuable to the organization. There might be someone on your HR or Learning and Development team who can help you conduct a workshop to do this. If you are on your own, you will find some guidance here. When the whole team has agreed on what behaviors are out of bounds, there is a much better chance you won’t be the only one having to shut down behavior that derails conversations.
Your best bet is to stop worrying about labels and treat each person on your team as an individual with a world view informed by their beliefs and experiences. Meet each person where they are. Influence them by role-modeling fairness, caring, and using any privilege you may have to advocate for those who don’t have it.
You may just win over the doom-and-gloomers to the sunny side of the street.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am the COO and founder of what is now being called a “mature” startup. We have been around for 12 years but have not yet exceeded 100 employees or reached our revenue or valuation goals. The company still feels like a startup because we have been experimenting with our business model and the pace of innovation, and the constant pivots are relentless.
Some of our business leaders are tired of it. They are expressing attitudes that are not helpful, such as “If we were going to make it, we’d have made it by now,” or “What’s wrong with things the way they are? We seem to be doing fine.”
We are fine, but we have not achieved our full potential—nor are we as profitable as we need to be to attract investors. My original business partner, who is our CEO, has recently taken a leave of absence to deal with a family matter. He was exhausted. The last few years have been a slog and Covid was a massive setback for us. It seemed like the right time for him to take a break.
I am covering for him and struggling with the Eeyore-like outlook among some of my key people. I’ve been working on finding ways to inspire them. We put a lot more focus on self-care than any other startup I know. I’ve given feedback to some who are resistant to change and to what feels (to them) like risky ideas. It does not seem to be making a difference.
I still know in my heart that we are going to figure things out and break through, but I need everyone to be all in for this last push. How do I get my leaders on board?
Just About There
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Dear Just About There,
I’m a battle-worn veteran of a couple of startups myself—and now that I am nearing the last phase of my own career, your situation only confirms to me that startups are best suited for the young. I say this not to discriminate, but simply to point out that when the slog goes on for longer than anyone wants or expects, it can be hard to hold on to the giddy, cockeyed optimism required to stay in the game. The relentless pace of change can be exhausting, and you are going to need to find a way to tap into some of that initial startup energy you had at the beginning if you want to reach your goals.
I have a couple of ideas for you.
- Pay attention. Ask your people what specific concerns they have and listen in a way that makes them feel heard. I recently heard someone say “Clear communication is the oil that reduces the friction of living.” If your key people are turning into Eeyores (for the uninitiated, Eeyore is a character in the Winnie the Pooh stories who is depicted as having a bleak outlook on life), they probably need some attention. You may remember that Eeyore’s catch phrase is “Thanks for noticing me.” I wonder sometimes if leaders are afraid that listening and acknowledging people’s concerns means you have to do something about those concerns, when, in fact, simply listening often can make all the difference. You may think you are a good listener, and you probably are when you aren’t worn down by resistance. So if you want some technical tips on how to listen, you can find some here. For tips on managing constant innovation and change, you can access an excellent webinar here.
- Tap into personal motivations. It sounds like your leaders have run out of steam. There were specific things that drove them at the beginning, and anything you can do to help them get back in touch with those drivers will help. Maybe it was the promise of a big payout, or the ability to make an impact in the world, or the desire to be part of something cool and sexy. Whatever it was, help them remember it. Or maybe what matters to them has changed. If they are not going to be able to find it in their current role, it could be time for them to find another place that suits them better.
- Reclarify and rearticulate the vision. You and your partner had a big vision when you started. It is normal to assume that everyone has heard it and doesn’t need to hear it again, but that is incorrect. People need to be reminded of the big fat WHY all the time. It gets buried under the rough and tumble of the day-to-day slog. So dig for buried treasure, find the stories that will inspire, and tell them a lot more than you think you need to. This will undoubtedly bore you, because the vision is still so clear to you that you forget it is not as clear to others. Do it anyway.
- Stop giving feedback and start making clear requests. Feedback is tricky. We think if we do everything right when we give feedback, people will hear it, internalize it, and do something about it. That simply is not true. If you want your leaders to do things differently, you have to make a direct request. It needs to be crystal clear so that you don’t run the risk of it sounding like a suggestion. It is a request. For example: “Even if you disagree with the strategy, I need you to commit to supporting it and to make sure your team knows that you support it—even if you have your doubts.” You can point out specific dos and don’ts if you have examples. The kind of clarity you achieve with a direct request will help your leaders decide if they can commit or if they need to leave. This, of course, means some people may leave. But all you have is your people, and if your leaders aren’t with you, you need to replace them with leaders who are. This is harsh, I know. But it is true.
- Catch people doing things right. This is a classic bit of genius from Ken Blanchard and there is literally no situation in which it doesn’t apply. At the end of a long, grueling journey, it can be easy to pounce on every little thing that isn’t perfect. This can lead to an over-focus on pointing out what’s going wrong at the costly expense of directing focus on what is going right. You must make everyone feel that they are winning, even if it isn’t as fast or as evident as you would like.
It really does all rest on your shoulders, my friend. That is what leadership is. If it all goes sideways, everyone will blame you. And if you pull it off, you won’t get nearly the credit you deserve. If everyone could do it, everyone would be doing it, but it is the rare soul who has what it takes.
Put on your listening ears, share the inspiration, find and call out the best in people, and pray the gods will smile upon your efforts. Good luck to you.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I think I know the answer to this, but I thought I would just check my thinking. I work in the arts and have been an assistant to many executive directors. My experience is that once people get into that job they never leave, even when they should.
I have been in my current position for a long time, and I have been promised that I will be offered the executive director role in about eighteen months. In the meantime, I have been interviewing for other opportunities and was just offered an executive director position at another institution.
I would prefer to stay where I am. I love the people where I work and am familiar with the requirements of the institution. Moving to a new place would involve a steep learning curve, but it would also be an opportunity for a fresh start.
What do you think?
Torn
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Dear Torn,
I think you know the answer. Every single person who just read your letter knows the answer.
- Because you know that an actual job offer and signed contract is different from a promise of something in “about eighteen months.”
- Because anything could happen, and promises are broken a schmillion times a day. Your current executive director could decide to delay retirement. The board could decide to open a search for a candidate. The job could go to the daughter of the institution’s biggest donor.
- Because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
It’s just easier for other people to see the answer because they have no emotional attachment.
Go be an executive director, and enjoy the learning curve. It will serve to make you better at the job.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I was made supervisor for a team at a software company about six months ago. I like the job and the people on my team, and I’m slowly figuring out how to be a decent manager. I feel lucky that I was moved to a different team so I don’t have to manage my former peers.
I have become friendly with the other supervisors—we meet to discuss priorities, stay on top of changes, and share tips. I started meeting with one of them for an occasional beer after work. At first, everything was great. But now that we’ve grown closer, they spend all of our time together gossiping about the other supervisors and trashing the people on their team.
This person talks endlessly about how stupid, lazy, and disrespectful people are. I feel like I am there just to listen to them complain. I want to talk about travel, books, movies, or fun things we have planned for the weekend.
I listen and try to empathize, but they show no interest in helping anyone or in hearing my thoughts. They are so snarky, I am afraid if I cut them off they will spread nasty rumors about me. I can’t remember what personal things I have shared—nothing terrible, but who knows what they might say?
How do I get out of this relationship without setting them off and potentially causing real damage?
Stuck with a Loser
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Dear Stuck with a Loser,
Oh dear, this is a tough one. I am sorry. It is hard when people start out great and end up showing their true colors once the hooks are in. I am always fascinated by people who do nothing but trash others and then wonder why they have no friends at work.
Part of me wants to encourage you to reflect this person’s awfulness back to them and try to get them to see that their perception of people is part of the problem. But honestly, that kind of a hard conversation would be one you make the effort to have with people you love and have a commitment to.
Your only other option is to get away from this person as quickly as you can.
You might start by inviting as many people as will come to join you after work so there is a group you can slowly fade out of. If that doesn’t work, make something up. Am I suggesting you lie? Indeed I am. I suppose some might judge me, but I am nothing if not practical. Find a (fictional) new hobby or volunteer job that requires your attention after work. Every night. Or invent a cousin with a family emergency who needs you to babysit every evening for the foreseeable future. If you can’t stand to lie, or are too worried you might get busted, maybe find a real activity—hiking, yoga, taking a side gig as a personal shopper, or committing to writing a novel. Anything that the person won’t be interested in so they won’t ask to join you. Anything that will be more pleasant than spending time with them.
Of course, you could tell the truth—that you feel like all they do is complain and talk smack about people and you can’t spend time with them anymore. I know that might feel risky, but here’s the thing: if they are saying horrible things about everyone else in their work orbit, they are probably already trashing you when you aren’t around. There is an excellent chance everybody else has this person’s number and doesn’t listen to a word they say.
You don’t owe them another moment of your time—or, frankly, the truth. Just get away from them and try not to worry. Stay focused on doing a good job with your team and cultivating relationships with people who share your values. You are only as stuck as you let yourself be.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I manage a large team of accounting professionals for a company of about 4800 employees. I have worked very hard to create a great team, and I have excellent, dedicated people.
My problem is our payroll manager (PM). He is generally very easy-going and a hard worker. He is a whiz at working with our software provider. He catches errors and has proved invaluable.
The issue is this: PM can be very off-putting when an employee calls with a problem—and when it is an executive with a huge salary, he is at his very worst. We have received complaints from enough people that my boss is on my case now. I have tried to offer him feedback and have recommended that he take a customer service class that is in our online learning library.
Recently, PM said something insulting to a regional VP of sales. I didn’t hear it because I was in a conference room, but we have an open office plan and a bunch of people did hear it. I am just waiting for a complaint to come in. When I approached him about the incident, he admitted that he had been triggered by the VP’s attitude, which he perceived as condescending and abusive.
He appears to resent how much money some people make, and he has told me several times that he thinks everyone in accounting is underpaid, especially him. All of us (including me) are paid proper market rate for people in our profession. It is true that jobs in accounting don’t pay as well as they once did.
I told PM that his growing reputation is not going to help me make the case to get him a raise. He got mad at me, cut the conversation short, and walked -away shaking his head. Since then he has been very cranky with everyone. On one hand, I am afraid he will quit. On the other hand, I kind of wish he would quit, because if he can’t change his attitude I will have to fire him.
I keep trying different angles to help him, but can’t seem to find anything that works. I don’t know what to do. How can I help PM deal with his resentment and stop being rude to our customers?
Want to Help
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Dear Want to Help,
I appreciate your desire to help. The rule I will remind you of right out of the gate is that you can’t save people who don’t want to be saved. In my darker hours, I am almost 100% certain that you can’t save people, period. Though I could be wrong about that.
It can be hard to face the ugly truth that the profession you trained for doesn’t pay as well as others. This might come as a surprise to PM if he got into accounting because he liked it and was good at it, but didn’t research compensation before he made his choice. It can be a huge challenge to offer impeccable customer service to people who are jerks and who make (what might be judged as) entirely too much money. Money is simply a big, fat trigger for a lot of people—certainly for many people who feel underpaid and/or undervalued.
Customer service takes a special kind of person, and I am not sure an online course is going to help someone who simply isn’t cut out for it. If you Google personality traits of excellent customer service representatives, you will find words like empathy, positivity, friendliness, and approachability. I am not saying it is impossible for PM to develop these, but it is probably a long shot.
I do have some ideas for you:
- Go super direct. Ask PM if he wants to stay in the job and find a way to make it work. That might speed up what happens next. If the answer is yes, tell him he can be mad and cranky all he wants but it isn’t going to change the requirements of the job, which is that he treat any company employee who needs his help with civility and respect. You can share that he is an excellent technical professional, you want to make it work, you believe in second chances, and you are okay with giving him one last chance—but if there is one more incident, you will have to let him go. If the answer is no, well, you know what to do.
- Change the job. If it is at all possible, look into changing PM’s job so he doesn’t have to work directly with customers. Find someone on the team who is naturally kind, caring, non-judgmental, and service oriented to field customer calls. That person can then troubleshoot with PM and get back to the customer. I understand this may prompt a change in job descriptions, which can be a pain in the neck. The practice of re-designing jobs to suit the people in them rather than hiring the right person for the job can wreak havoc, especially in huge companies. It all depends on how confident you are in your ability to find someone who can be good at all aspects of the job.
- Let the chips fall where they may. Continue to give feedback and wait for PM to do something that will get him fired. This won’t reflect well on you, but you wouldn’t be the first manager to resort to this option.
Once PM has calmed down, you might consider having a heart-to-heart. If you think he trusts you enough, you can remind him that you are on his side, you care, and you want to set him up to win. You might suggest that he work with a coach or therapist to help him rethink his professional options if he is so bitterly disappointed with the pay—or, at least, to help him deal with whatever triggers him so he can gain more self-control.
It is obvious that you want to help. It makes sense that you want to retain someone who is so technically capable. But, in the end, it will be up to PM to decide if he wants to change. If he can’t—or won’t—there is not a whole lot you can do.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Hello Madeleine,
I have read your articles, and I wanted to reach out to you.
I have an equal business partner with whom I have successfully run a restaurant for six years. While I have 30 years of experience in the industry, my business partner had no previous knowledge about restaurant operations. I have used my expertise to elevate our restaurant to a high level.
The reason I am contacting you is to seek advice on how to end this partnership. I would like to either buy him out or have him buy me out. I have made this offer to him but he has not accepted either option.
My desire to end the partnership stems from his wealthy background, which has led him to expect me to work harder to generate more profit for him. He frequently complains about the restaurant’s profits, yet contributes nothing to its success. He has a dominant personality that can sometimes be narcissistic, and he often threatens to dissolve the company. He also brings up the need for expensive lawyers to discuss potential agreements, but my goal is simply to have him leave or to receive compensation so I can move on.
I hope to get your guidance on how to make the best decision in this situation.
Aggrieved Partner
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Dear Aggrieved Partner,
I am sorry for your tribulations. This is a tough one. I wish I could wave a magic wand, send you back six years, and have the two of you map out clear agreements about not only what each person would be expected to contribute to the partnership but also how to manage an exit plan.
Since we can’t go back in time, you are stuck with a situation in which you are dealing with uncomfortable conflict and could potentially lose a lot. What agreements did you sign when you first conceived the idea of a partnership? Might you have something in writing? It seems like you brought the experience and the sweat equity while he provided the seed money. How have you been sharing whatever profit gets generated? You say he threatens to dissolve the company—do you have any ownership stake or power at all?
First things first. You must figure out what matters most to you. Is it winning? Is it punishing your partner for being such a jerk? Or is it more important to get out of this partnership with your sanity and reputation intact, or maybe just find a way to reduce your stress? Once you work this out, you will have a clearer picture of how to proceed.
Here are some options for you to consider:
- Check the laws in your country about business ownership. Consult a lawyer of your own to see what rights you have based on whatever agreements do exist.
- There is something going on that the two of you are not talking about. It seems that your partner (term used loosely) is avoiding the topic of bringing the partnership to a close. Is he perhaps more attached to the business than you realize? There might be some emotional reason that he goes immediately on the defensive when you bring up the topic. The question to your partner might be: “It seems you are unhappy with my ability to generate profit, so I am curious as to why you seem unwilling to dissolve the partnership.”
The more you can communicate with each other, the more likely you will come to some resolution. For this to happen, I will draw your attention to your own grievances against your partner. I am not saying you are wrong about him, but I do think your harsh judgment of him—no doubt formed over years of experience—is almost certainly bleeding into the way you communicate with him. That can’t help matters. Try to remember the way you behaved with your partner when things were first starting and you held him in higher regard. Do your best to shelve your criticisms, well founded as they may be, and change the way you treat your partner. You may think you are good at hiding your opinions, but I guarantee he is feeling them. No one wants to negotiate with someone who hates them.
- It sounds like your partner is distracted and wishes to maintain status quo. If you are desperate enough to poke the bear, make it real to your partner. Prepare two options for him in writing:
- First option: He sells you his share of the business for what you think it is worth based on the initial investment. Perhaps lay out a scenario in which you buy him out and pay him a set amount over time.
- Second option: You offer to sell him your share of the business, outlining the value of your sweat equity and what you think that is worth.
Get a lawyer to help you prepare the documents so that they are properly constructed. Your partner might be impatient and annoyed enough to just move ahead and sign one option or the other. Until you do that, he probably won’t take you seriously.
- I hate to say this, but if you feel strongly enough about getting out, you may just have to walk away. Everybody in town is probably aware that you are the heart and soul of the restaurant and the one who has made it a thriving concern. There is a very good chance, based on your reputation, that you will find someone who is willing to invest in you again. If there are no legal documents spelling out the agreements, you might be able to find a way to generate a new opportunity for yourself and simply—leave. If there are no agreements in place, there is nothing any lawyer can do about it, no matter how well compensated they are.
- The last option I can think of is to find a way to focus on what is working. Park your judgment, let your partner’s behavior roll off your back, and enjoy the good thing you have created.
I am truly sorry, Aggrieved Partner, for your situation. Business partnerships are notoriously fraught under the best of circumstances. They are similar to marriages in that no one wants to consider that they might end, and very few prepare well for that possibility. This one is not unlike a marriage in which no pre-nuptial agreement was negotiated. I suspect you will never make that mistake again. I have seen people simply tolerate terrible partners because the pain and loss of dissolving the partnership (or marriage, for that matter) far outweighs the benefits in the long run.
Once you know what is most important to you, you will know what to do.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am the founder and CEO of a specialty investment services company, which I started—for fun—after retiring from my first career in investment banking. My executive team is amazing. Since we are so specialized and the field is super technical, I have had to find the best and the brightest.
My problem is that I am ready to retire—for real—sometime soon. The guy who is slated to succeed me is a genius but, unfortunately, a jerk. He is perfectly capable of not being a jerk: he is downright warm and charming with clients, but he is horrible to the people he works with. He is extremely smart, has never failed at anything, and has no humility.
I trust him implicitly when it comes to strategy, advising clients, and making decisions. But I am afraid if he becomes CEO, people will quit in droves and the whole company will fold.
I don’t want to see all my hard work go down the drain. How do I approach this with him?
Ready to Go
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Dear Ready to Go,
Head on, my friend! That is the only way. Tell the truth, lay out the crossroads choice that Junior has before him, make some demands, and hold the line.
Is there no one else you can trust to take your place? That is my first question. If the answer is an unequivocal no, you are going to have to bite the bullet and demand to see some change—and soon. And there must be consequences for your successor if you don’t see the changes you need to see.
I do think many people who end up in the investment banking industry are accustomed to having bosses who are whip smart but not very—shall we say—nice. This is based on my own experience working in the field and the many anecdotes I have heard over the decades. It is universally acknowledged that investment banking is a little like trench warfare.
Given that, I wonder what worries you so much about Junior taking over. What does he do, exactly, that you think will cause people to quit in droves? I suspect you have plenty of examples. Use them. You must be specific if you are going to give him feedback and demand change—and even more specific about the exact changes you need to see, so that you can track and measure the changes. You will want to come up with a list of do’s, don’ts, and non-negotiable never ever agains.
The good news is you know he knows how to act like a decent human being because you have seen him do it with clients. He just needs to figure out how to keep it up with his peers and employees.
If you have any stated company values, you might be able to use those to point to the ways Junior is not a role model for them. You could also give examples of his good behaviors with clients that are aligned with the company values that he might use to replace some of his not-so-nice behaviors with colleagues.
Another thought is to share this article with him: Level Five Leadership: The Triumph of Humility and Fierce Resolve. It is based on Jim Collins’ research about the leaders of companies who stand the test of time. An oldie but goodie, it outlines the long-term advantages of humility as an unbeatable leadership trait.
You might also share something Ken Blanchard has often said about humility: “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.” People can learn to be more humane, kind and considerate to others. It isn’t easy and it takes practice, but it is doable.
Will this be the first time Junior has heard feedback about what a jerk he is to the people he works with? It may come as a surprise to him. But if he is as smart as you think he is, hopefully he will see the value of making an effort. If you give the feedback and ask for clear concrete evidence that he can change his ways, and you are met with a blank stare or a straight-up unwillingness to even try, you may want to consider closing down the business or selling it to a competitor that has a decent leader who knows how to treat people. I think if Junior knows you are seriously considering both options, he might be motivated to head off those possibilities.
Humility is a tricky character trait to develop. If a person doesn’t come wired with humility, it is usually acquired through facing excruciating life circumstances such as catastrophic failure of some kind. So Junior is going to have to either fail as a leader, or be imaginative enough to see the dire consequences of possible failure. You, in your quest to help him, will need fierce resolve. Don’t take the path of least resistance if you want to retire with no worries.
You obviously think there is some hope for Junior, or you wouldn’t have written. The question is: will you be persuasive enough to get him to rise to the challenge? Leverage everything you know about him, what is interesting to him, and how much he enjoys winning to get him to see the benefits. Your restful retirement depends on it.
Good luck with your last leadership test.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am at a crossroads and don’t know which way to go. During Covid, I got a great idea and started a very cool online business. I did so well that a few people invested in my little company, and for a while it grew like gangbusters. I hired some people to help out and we’ve had a great team for a few years now. We have all made decent money and had a lot of fun.
Over the last year, it’s been hard to compete with all the new entrants into the same space—most have more investment funds than I do. I’ve been approached to sell to a competitor who talks a big game but really just wants me out of the way. If I sold, I would have enough cash to pay back the investors, call it a day, and move on. Alternatively, I could raise more money and try to compete by upgrading our technology, hiring more people, etc.
Over the last year, I’ve been stuck in front of my computer 18 hours a day because of this business. There are so many other things I want to do. I was able to prove my concept and keep myself entertained, but now I’ve really lost interest.
My problem is my employees. I really like all of them and worry that they will feel betrayed if I sell out and walk away. There is no guarantee that anyone I sell to will keep them on, and they are all perfectly capable of finding new jobs, but I don’t want them to hate me. I am starting to feel trapped.
I have made a pros and cons list and discussed this with my nearest and dearest, but can’t seem to make a decision. I am interested to hear what you might suggest.
At a Crossroads
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Dear At a Crossroads,
I deeply appreciate how much you care about your people, but let us remember that you started your business as something fun and interesting to do. It sounds like at no point did you think “I am going to start a business so I can provide employment to people for the rest of their lives.”
I learned something that has turned out to be true from reading The E Myth Revisited by Michael Gerber decades ago. He said there are three kinds of people who start businesses: the Entrepreneur, the Manager, and the Technician.
The Entrepreneur is the dreamer—the person who spots a need or opportunity in the marketplace and creates something new to fulfill that need. This sounds a lot like you. You created something cool, and are now ready to move on to other things.
The Manager is the person who craves order and is good at creating the systems and processes that will ensure seamless running of the business. They are good at spotting problems and solving them for good. These are the people who tend to buy franchises because they come with a proven concept and systems. Creativity is not required.
The Technician is the person who is very good at a technical skill or expert at delivering a specialized service. Think massage therapist or, as the example Gerber used in his book, someone who makes extraordinary pies.
To create a business that thrives long-term, the person who starts it needs to understand which of these is their type, and find partners or employees who are the other two types. Both Entrepreneurs and Technicians desperately need Managers because there will always be tension that needs to managed. It is extremely rare that a person who starts a business is equally gifted in all three of these required areas.
These distinctions have been extremely useful to me personally, helping me to see that I am a Technician with an entrepreneurial spirit. Essentially, I realized quickly that trying to remain a Manager in a business that is up and running is a terrible idea for me. So I have had a career of starting things (sometimes successfully, other times not so much) and then handing them over to Managers.
This is a lot of detail to explain that, if your entrepreneurial bent were strong enough to keep you interested in solving problems and truly scaling your business, it would make sense for you to stay with it. But it is eminently clear that you have already lost interest. And you have an opportunity to sell what you created to someone who is enough of a Manager to scale and compete.
It sounds like you have a deep core need for variety. Core needs must get met or they will wreak havoc on your life and your business. Why would you saddle yourself with something you are already bored with? In this case, it would be for sentimental reasons—to deliver on a promise that you never even made. That, my friend, is a recipe for disaster.
There are steps you can take to care for your people as best you can. The first step would be to have a chat with each of them, explain your reasoning, and listen to their thoughts. You can express your care and concerns while still sharing what is real for you.
You can, of course, do your best to encourage your buyer to hang on to as many current employees as possible, which I am sure you will do anyway.
Finally, you can put your money where your mouth is. You might consider sharing a portion of the sale price with your people so that they each have a little nest egg, or enough to tide them over until their next opportunity presents itself. Once you have paid off your investors, you can do the math and figure out what makes sense to share with your employees. I think this would demonstrate your commitment and go a long way toward mitigating the pain of the loss and change.
Nothing lasts forever, At a Crossroads. You must honor your own needs and your strong instinct that it is time to move on. You can do that while also respecting your people’s hard work, the fun you all had, and how fond you are of them. You can close this chapter of your life honorably and without regret.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I have been managing people for decades. With the advent of Covid, I put a lot of focus on getting better at managing hybrid teams. (This blog really helped me.) I have some people who come to the office and about half the group works remotely. I go in four days a week.
I have developed a reputation for being fair, working with individuals to find challenging opportunities and being flexible with work preferences. But lately I have begun to wonder if I am being too flexible, at the expense of the functioning of my team. For example, I have one direct report who has informed me that he intends to move to Australia. He just assumed I would be okay with it. I am not.
I really wish he had approached me with this as a request and not presented it as a fait accompli. I never would have approved this move. But now all the plans have been made—and if I were to say no at this point, it would cause a lot of turbulence. My biggest issue is that we already work with multiple time zones, and adding another one on the opposite side of the world is going to increase complexity. I haven’t even begun the process of talking to HR about the laws governing employment in Australia, and that worries me. This person is a good employee, but there have been some issues with accountability and entitlement. I wouldn’t mind letting him go and hiring someone new for the job.
What I really want to do is ask him if we can roll back this decision, but I worry that he only behaved the way he did because I sent mixed messages. How much of this is my fault? What can I do now?
Not OK
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Dear Not OK,
Wow, this is so relatable. As a manager, I often have erred on the side of giving people too much freedom (which is crucial to me) and have suffered similar mix-ups. I applaud your willingness to consider the part you might have played in creating the situation and your desire to take responsibility for it. But, at least from the information you provided, it does seem like your employee took some liberties.
In the blog post you mention, Real Talk About Leading Hybrid Teams, Randy Conley points out that with hybrid teams, it is even more critical to make the implicit explicit. I think that point might be the one to focus on now.
Blanchard just sent out an updated employee handbook that outlines very clearly how employees should proceed if they wish to relocate. It begins with a conversation with one’s manager to obtain explicit permission. I can only imagine that your company has something similar. So there might be a chance that your direct report ignored precise direction.
Even if you don’t have such a handbook, you are within your rights as a manager to have a serious conversation with your world traveler. It is completely fair for you to point out that you would have preferred that he consult you, rather than inform you, before making such a huge decision. It is also fair to tell him that you need to do your homework—both with HR to see if it is feasible, and with your team to see if the time difference will correspond with the team’s workflow. Finally, assuming you have talked about accountability issues already, it is fair to express your concerns about how the distance and time difference will affect this person’s ability to stay on top of his deliverables.
I appreciate your worry that your flexibility has led to a misunderstanding, but I think a line was crossed here, and you can push back. You would need to do so even if the employee were a superstar performer. It is never too late to be explicit when needed. It really is not your fault that your employee jumped the gun. And if you can’t make it work, he will reap the consequences.
Do your due diligence. Decide one way or the other if you can make this work for you and the team. Share your thinking. You can own your part in this situation but you can also insist that your employee own his. If it can work, outline the parameters of how. If it can’t—well, it might be a hard conversation.
Be clear, be direct, and be kind.
You can use this as an opportunity to get ahead of any other non-negotiables you haven’t shared with your team. Examine additional assumptions your direct reports might be making, and make the implicit explicit.
Most people crave certainty, so the more you can give them, the better.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I work for a giant real estate company and have been selling houses in a big metropolitan city for a long time. Over the years, I’ve been heavily recruited and this is my third company. I never wanted to be in management as I really like working with clients. I’ve had terrible managers, decent managers, and everything in between.
My company has always received a percentage of the commission, which is standard. Recently the company made a change—and now my manager will be getting a small percentage of the commission on everything I sell. It is hard to say this without sounding like a jerk, but I do very well and my manager stands to make a substantial amount from this arrangement.
I guess I wouldn’t mind, except I’ve been doing this for a good twenty years longer than she has. Any time I ask my manager for any help at all, she says she is too busy. She either doesn’t respond to emails or she promises to get back to me with answers and then doesn’t. Almost all my questions are related to the inner workings of our organization, publicity budgets, etc. I do all my own research and stay abreast of the changes in local laws, so I learned early not to depend on anyone for that.
I am furious. I’ve done fine on my own for 25 years. Now this little weasel is going to get some of my hard-earned commission for doing exactly nothing. What the heck? I’m certain this change is designed to make managers engage more with their brokers, but it isn’t working.
I was thinking of talking to my manager’s boss (with whom I have a long-standing relationship) but that seems a little whiny. Or I could start looking at other companies that don’t engage in this practice. What do you think?
Working Harder, Making Less
___________________________________________________________________________
Dear Working Harder, Making Less,
This sounds awfully frustrating. If your manager added some value you might be able to come around to this change, but as it stands, the anger you feel is likely to grow.
Senior executives are much more likely to want to help when you have already tried to fix a situation yourself, so I think your first line of defense is to have a candid conversation with your manager. It is human nature that when there is more to do than is possible, we pay attention only to the people who insist on it. Most managers are perfectly happy to leave high performers alone to, well, perform.
This would mean insisting on a time to meet, either on the phone or in person, having prepared your request to create a more effective working relationship moving forward. It sounds as if all you’re really asking for is that she answer your questions or reply to your emails with the information you need. Even if this person weren’t making extra money off you, this would be a low bar.
It is fair to explain that you didn’t mind flying solo before having to pay her for her support, but now that you do, you really need her to help you when you ask. Stick to the facts and keep emotion out of it. Be clear, concise, and neutral. Practice beforehand if you need to.
One of these things is likely to happen:
- You can’t even get a meeting scheduled, or
- She disagrees that your requests are fair, or
- She agrees that your requests are fair, makes promises and becomes more responsive for a short period, and then reverts to her old ways.
Following any of these scenarios, you can then escalate and at the very least get the commission sharing decision reversed. Or start looking at alternatives. Only you will know if this is a trend that is happening among other companies—in which case, maybe you can find another company with a more helpful manager.
Of course the hope is that when you share your thoughts, your manager will see your point and change her ways for good. Ideally, you build a relationship, she takes your calls, answers your emails, and generally acts as if she has your back, which may add enough value that you don’t resent sharing a little money with her. This is best-case scenario.
Real estate is a notoriously difficult business. If you have managed to stay in it, build a reputation, and make a lot of money, you must be good at it. You probably are exceptionally good at building relationships with people and helping them to manage all the emotions that are invariably unleashed when selling or buying a home. This is not nothing. It makes sense for you to protect yourself and not let anyone take advantage of your decades of experience.
If you can’t get what you need to stop your resentment from building, you can escalate. If that doesn’t work, you can take your prowess elsewhere.
I am crossing my fingers that just being a squeaky wheel—albeit a kind and polite one—will get you what you need.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am an executive coach. An interesting thing came up in a coaching session today: one of my clients has been tasked with defining the difference between a manager and a leader. There are some HBR articles on the topic and some different definitions, but I’m curious to learn if you have ever defined the difference between the two at Blanchard. It seems that most of the gurus in the coaching and training space talk about leadership and sometimes interchange the words leader and manager, but I don’t know if anyone has really distinctly defined the difference. How do those two roles manifest themselves at different leadership levels in a company?
My client and I discussed it and we agree on this: the closer a supervisor is to the individual contributor level (e.g., a frontline leader), the greater percentage of their time would be spent on manager-type tasks. The closer a supervisor is to the CEO level, the greater percentage of time would be spent on leadership-type tasks. In the middle levels, it likely would be a combination of both.
I’m curious, though, if we have defined the two roles in the past. I thought I would run this by you to see what you think.
Seeking a Distinction
_____________________________________________________________________
Dear Seeking a Distinction,
This is such a great question. I am curious to know what was behind the task request received by your client. You’re right—pretty much every place I’ve looked uses the terms manager and leader interchangeably. In fact, our flagship model SLII® is referred to as a leadership model, while I think of it as a performance management model. So there you have it.
The distinction we do make at Blanchard is between strategic leadership and operational leadership. This is outlined in our white paper The Leadership-Profit Chain, which details the research that reveals the critical importance of leadership capacity to the bottom line. Strategic leaders are responsible for articulating the vision, defining the culture, and clarifying the strategic imperatives for the organization. Operational leaders engage in disciplined management practices that drive procedures, policies, and behaviors to ensure people do three things: understand and align with the vision, choose behaviors that are aligned with the stated values of the organization, and deliver what is needed to achieve the strategic imperatives.
Does that mean strategic leaders don’t have to manage people? No. Almost all senior executives still have to manage a function and direct reports.
Does this mean operational leaders can’t have a vision for their business area and come up with their own strategies to deliver what is needed? No. The best mid-level managers are trustworthy humans and have vision and strategy skills.
But we know not all leaders know how to (or care to) manage people and take care of all the details associated with managing. And not all operational managers are leadership material.
I think what you and your client came up with makes sense. Here is the way I would define the two different things—and I hope it will add value to your conversation.
A leader, in my humble opinion, is quite simply someone whom others choose to follow. Leadership activities include inspiring others, developing a reputation for making sound decisions, defining reality, resolving problems created by complexity, role modeling the stated values of the organization, and building trust with those they serve at every opportunity and through every interaction. A leader sees the big picture of what’s possible and inspires others to jump in and help to create that big picture.
A manager is a person who gets things done. Management activities include setting goals, working with peers to define how groups can work best together, breaking goals down into activities, assigning those activities to the best available person, and tracking progress and accountability for their group. A manager has a decent idea of the big picture but focuses on the right details in the creation of it.
It’s tricky, isn’t it? It all depends on what one’s job is and knowing where to focus one’s attention and how to allocate one’s precious time. To be successful in one’s job, no matter what label is assigned to it, this is what counts: attention and time allocation.
One might say a leader who is also a great manager (or a manager who is also a great leader) can see the forest and the trees. I think we’ve all had bosses who are brilliant at seeing the whole forest but can’t see a single tree, or one who can’t see the whole forest because they are focused on a single cluster of trees. And let’s not forget the technical experts who understand the inner workings of an individual tree. One of the great challenges we help organizations deal with is how often technical experts are promoted to management roles. There is a natural assumption that people who are excellent in their job will be good at managing others doing that same job. Anyone who has suffered from that situation as either manager or direct report can testify that nothing could be further from the truth.
In the end, it is a both/and situation instead of an either/or.
I hope this is helpful. Let me reiterate that this is my opinion, not Blanchard’s stated point of view, or the Truth. I look forward to hearing what you think!
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Intern,
I’ve appreciated watching the interns in our company work on different projects in different departments. I’m always amazed by how fast the interns work, how well they collaborate as a team, and the high quality of the work they deliver.
My question is this: How do we, the current employees, look to them? Do we look slow, with poor teaming skills, for example? I hope not. How would interns compare the culture in their workplace with what they experience at school and in other areas of their life?
Curious Employee
____________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Curious Employee,
Let me first say that in my experience as an intern, I ask myself the question “How do they see me?” all the time! I think it’s a fairly universal question across generations in the workplace.
Although I don’t speak on behalf of all of Gen Z—I’m only one person, limited to my own experience—I can confidently say that I don’t perceive other generations as having poor teamwork skills or working at a slow pace. However, I have noticed that each generation in the workplace carries with them a defining skillset. For this reason, I think it’s essential for companies to strive for generational diversity. It’s the key to bringing in talented people with diverse sets of skills and perspectives that build off one another.
As an example, many emerging Gen Z workers are highly skilled in digital writing or creating digital content such as texts, images, videos, social media posts, etc. We are the “tech savvy” generation, aka “digital natives.” So, when a project calls for those skills, we might be able to naturally get the job done more quickly and efficiently than our team members who represent older generations. At the same time, I’d say Gen X and Boomer workers are often naturally gifted at face-to-face communication, which is arguably just as important as being tech savvy in the workplace. In other words, we all need, and can learn from, each other.
Going back to your initial question, it can feel equally tempting to dismiss the contributions of other generations (whether older or younger) as inadequate, irrelevant, or unnecessary in the workplace. I’ve interned for multiple organizations and have had plenty of experiences where I would present what I thought were new and exciting ideas to my former manager, only for my ideas to be shot down and altogether disregarded. And while I could blame the manager’s reaction on their bias against me as a Gen Z worker, I recognize that feeling unheard at work isn’t all that uncommon, unfortunately. And it hurts, regardless of the generation you grew up in.
I tried to reframe the rejection I experienced to make it feel less personal, with the understanding that we each grow up around one specific generation during our formative years of development. We naturally will think “It’s my way or the highway” until we’re prompted to think otherwise. However, considering that you’re asking these important questions, it seems that you’ve already begun to challenge this narrative, so I’d say that puts you ahead of the curve!
All this to say, as a Gen Z intern, here’s my advice in answering this question of “How do they perceive me?” You’re actually already doing it. Ask us! Openly communicate with us and encourage us to do the same with you. You asked about ties between the culture we experience at work compared to what we experience at school. I think it comes down to this: we all want to feel seen and heard by our manager at work in the same way that we feel seen and heard by our instructors in the classroom. Fostering an open channel of communication is the first step.
And that’s it! I’ll be the first to admit that the generational communication gap can be incredibly difficult to traverse at times. It may feel like walking on eggshells at first. For instance, I can have incredible anxiety when talking with a manager or employee of an older generation. I find myself wondering “Did I do something wrong? Am I supposed to say something? Am I being too quiet?” But I truly believe that an established line of communication can make all the difference in quieting these self-doubts and fostering a safe space with Gen Z interns like me. I know this because I’ve experienced it firsthand with my current manager, who validates me when I perform well and supports me when I have room to grow.
Many of us have brilliant ideas, insightful questions, or important feedback that we want to share, but often lack the confidence or sense of belonging to share them. Sometimes all we need is a gentle nudge (or perhaps a kind push) in the right direction, even if it’s simply saying, “Okay intern, what are your thoughts on this?”
I hope this helps! Best of luck!
Cas the Intern
Editor’s Note: While Madeleine has enjoyed a well-deserved summer break, “Ask Madeleine” has become “Ask the Intern” where we have presented your questions to several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies.
This week’s response is from Cas Podgorski, Podcast Intern at ifyouaskbetty, LLC.
Madeleine will return next week.
Dear Intern,
What do today’s interns want out of a summer internship? My company—like many others—hosts six to eight summer interns every year. I’ve been participating in the program for over fifteen years and during that time I’ve had one, two, or sometimes three interns working for several weeks in our marketing department. It’s been a good experience, and I think the interns have learned something along the way.
I’ve always tried to create an experience that does four things:
- Provides each intern with a project they can call their own and refer to on their résumé
- Gives them a chance to work together with other interns both in our department and across other departments
- Introduces them to corporate culture through regular employee training or all-hands meetings, for example
- Includes very proactive management, with high levels of direction and support from me as needed
I’ve received good feedback from the interns I’ve worked with using this approach, but I’m afraid I may be stuck with an old-fashioned sense of what an internship should look like. (Full disclosure: I’m in my early 60s.)
Could you give me some feedback on what interns are looking for these days? Where am I on track, and where do I possibly need some fresh thinking? I’d appreciate your viewpoint.
Thanks,
Always Learning
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Dear Always Learning,
Thank you for reaching out! It’s amazing to see how much effort you put into the internship program in your marketing department. You clearly value your interns and the experience you want to create for them.
Centering interns’ experience around a project they can call their own is such a great way to get them involved and keep them motivated! Speaking from experience, I believe interns want something hands-on and fulfilling. For example, I love supporting other people, so Blanchard granted me a multitude of projects that allowed me to put my passion into practice. My only feedback for you would be to ensure each intern’s project caters to their specific professional journey. They are more likely to feel valued when their contributions are aligned with their strengths, goals, and interests. Interns are excited about and proud of their work!
You can also help your interns feel valued by seeking updates about their projects and asking how you can support them. And when they reach an obstacle (because that will happen), help support and problem-solve to get them back on track. Making them feel like an asset to the company is a great way to build up their confidence in a corporate setting and help them stay motivated.
If your interns are anything like me, they are likely worried about the next ten steps in their career. Interns want to help the company, but the experience they gain is also a driver. As you mentioned in your first point, the résumé they are trying to build is very important. An internship often is the first corporate experience someone will have. Helping your interns build their résumé with something they are enthusiastic about will improve their luck during future interviews—and increase the likelihood that they will want to continue working for your company!
I love how you encourage your interns to network and collaborate with one another! Frustration and confusion are part of the learning process, so letting them get acquainted is an amazing way to embed a support system within the company. Also, having them explore other departments is a great idea! Allowing them to see what their peers are doing and possibly assist them establishes those relationships and helps them adapt to the corporate setting.
Going off that, exposing interns to the corporate culture is such an important process. I’m glad you actively introduce them to it, because I think it’s often assumed that Gen Z is opposed to traditional corporate culture. While there are certainly aspects we seek to change, we also respect the systems in place and want to learn how to facilitate change from within them. Sometimes this means giving us opportunities to go all in! I would just make completely sure your interns feel supported during these new experiences. For instance, you might provide them with low-stakes opportunities to spend time with high performers in your department. Your interns might feel uncomfortable or nervous at first, but with your encouragement these kinds of meetings can be a great learning and networking opportunity for them!
High support and high guidance are so important! As interns (and people in general) are introduced to a brand-new set of tasks, they can sometimes get lost or discouraged. Providing guidance during this season is key for a productive environment and experience. It’s great if your interns are highly motivated, but it’s not a deal-breaker if they aren’t. A rough patch of confusion and low confidence is bound to happen, but usually people can work past it. Encouraging open communication without fear of punishment is crucial in this regard. How can someone help if they aren’t aware that something is wrong?
All this to say, I think your “old-fashioned” approach is still valid! If you want to level-up your internship program, my best advice would be to meet your interns where they are—from the beginning to the end of the program. Start by setting expectations about what the experience is going to be like, making sure to consider their personal strengths, goals, and interests. Wrap up the program by asking for candid feedback about their experience. These practices will ensure that your internship program is always evolving to meet the needs of the next round of interns!
It’s great that you and your company recognize the importance of the internship experience. The effort you are putting into the program is outstanding and sets a great example for your interns. Thank you again for reaching out and valuing their experience!
Best wishes,
Addison the Intern
Editor’s Note: While Madeleine enjoys a well-deserved summer break for the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies.
This week’s response is from Addison Dixon, Producer Intern for Blanchard Institute.
Dear Intern,
I just got hired as head of sales for a marketing services firm. I’m really excited to drive the future growth of this small and mighty company.
My new team includes several very young team members. For some, this is their first professional job. I have always led more senior sales professionals and leaders of sales teams, so to lead individual contributors—especially at this junior level—makes me a bit nervous. I have children the same age as these employees, and it is a big challenge to engage and motivate them.
I’ve noticed they seem to get frustrated easily. They have a hard time dealing with the pressure of deadlines and don’t like receiving negative feedback or criticism. Also, I already see them taking advantage of our flexible time off and work from home policies.
How am I supposed to help them grow if they can’t accept that they have to change? I want to develop them into productive team members, but the level of work I need to do makes me think it’s not worth it. I’d rather just manage them out and replace them with more senior roles. Any advice before I bail on them?
Stressed-Out Boss
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Dear Stressed-Out Boss,
It’s totally normal, no matter who your employees are, to have communication gaps and growing pains when leading a new team and establishing new team roles and norms.
Don’t get too nervous about your new employees; I’m sure they are just as nervous as you are. If you think back to when you started your first corporate job, I’d guess it was nerve-racking for you too! Just try to put yourself in their shoes.
You talk about how your new members become easily frustrated and have a hard time with the pressure of the deadlines they are given. Pressure is a common stressor for all of us, emerging and established professionals alike! Have you tried talking to them about this issue? There is a possibility they don’t know they can go to you with their problems. They may not want to disappoint you by coming to you with these issues, so they just sweep them under the rug in the hope they will be resolved on their own.
If I was in their situation where I felt I was struggling but was too nervous to tell my boss, hearing something like this would have gone a long way: “I notice you are having a tough time keeping up with deadlines lately. Why do you think you might be falling behind? What can I do to help you?”
If I know anything about my own generation, it’s that we are generally aware of our flaws—but we don’t always know how to ask for help so that we can rise above them.
Let’s be honest: nobody likes to hear that they’re doing something wrong, no matter their age. If your team members see you as someone who isn’t there to support them, they won’t open up to you—and this could become an ongoing issue. On the other hand, if your people see you as someone who wants to help them get better, they will be more likely to come to you for help in the future.
In my experience, most young professionals will respond positively once their leader cracks through that shell and listens to their needs. We really are driven by purpose! Gen Z sometimes has a reputation as difficult to manage—but in reality, we just want to make a difference in our workplace and feel that we are being heard.
As someone who works from home, one important factor that I always appreciate being set in place are the expectations my boss has for me. For example, you could try saying something along the lines of: “I would like you to start coming to the office Monday through Wednesday. On Thursdays and Fridays, you can choose whether you want to work from home or the office.” I think by solidifying these expectations you would see the results you are looking for from your team.
The same thing goes for flexible time off, although this one could be a bit trickier. When employees get their work done and demonstrate good time management skills, time off isn’t a bad thing. This situation also would benefit from a good conversation if you feel they are taking too much time off.
All this to say, don’t bail on your new team without at least trying to talk to them. Yes, they may operate in a way you aren’t quite used to yet, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t good workers! You just need to find what clicks for them when you bring your concerns to their attention.
I hope this advice helps you so that you can feel confident in the future when you get your next round of young professionals in the workplace. I know your new team will appreciate the extra time and attention you are putting in to try and become a better boss for them!
Best of luck!
Jaida the Intern
Editor’s Note: While Madeleine enjoys a well-deserved summer break for the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies.
This week’s response is from Jaida Hess, Intern for Blanchard Innovation Lab.
Dear Madeleine,
I am a Boomer who is three or four years away from retirement (I hope). Over the last few years I have been working with many people who are much younger than my own children. I went from noticing that I was old enough to be the parent of my direct reports to now realizing I could be their grandparent.
I was comfortable navigating people who were the age of my own kids—after all, I was heavily involved in how the world was changing as they came of age. However, now I find myself a bit at sea. I am always worried about saying the wrong thing or doing something that will be interpreted as clueless. (I even worry that words like clueless are passé!)
I wonder what wisdom you might share that will help me relate more effectively to the kids just now entering the workforce.
Okay Boomer
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Dear Okay Boomer,
First of all, thank you for reaching out and for being open to learning and adapting! It’s awesome that you’re actively seeking ways to connect with younger coworkers. I can totally understand why it might be hard to connect with my generation, especially because the development of new technologies played such an integral part in our growing up. I’d love to share with you a few ideas on how you can develop stronger relationships with your younger co-workers.
One extremely important thing my generation values is authenticity. We are very big on being real and we see insincerity as a poor quality in anyone. When a young professional senses that someone is insincere, it can be a huge block in developing a relationship with them.
I get that you may want to connect with us—and we want to connect with you! So if there’s something you don’t know about us, it’s perfectly okay to ask. Most of us appreciate when someone makes an effort to understand us rather than pretending to know us. Being upfront about your experience and expressing a genuine interest in learning from us can create a strong foundation for positive interactions.
Bouncing off that, keeping somewhat up to date with current events, pop culture, and technological trends can be a great way to start a casual conversation with us. You definitely don’t need to be an expert, but having a general awareness can help you relate to conversations and references. We get a lot of our information from resources online, especially through social media. If you haven’t already, you may want to consider creating a social media account for yourself and following some popular new sources. If not, no biggie—a quick Google search on current events can go a long way!
On the other hand, we want to get to know you! We value your insights and can learn a lot from your career and life story. Don’t shy away from sharing your wisdom and experiences—but please do so in a way that is open to discussion.
Being a mentor to a younger colleague can provide them with guidance and insights, and it also allows you to learn from their perspective. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship that can foster deeper understanding and respect on both sides. Reverse mentorship, where younger employees share their knowledge on emerging trends and technologies, can be a great way to bridge the generational gap. For example, when giving advice on a work-related project, share what you have done in the past but allow the other person to make suggestions as well.
In regard to communication, clarity and directness are essential. We value straightforwardness and appreciate when feedback is given honestly and constructively. Avoiding language that might be outdated or overly complex helps in maintaining clear and effective communication. Words like clueless aren’t necessarily passé, but it’s good to be mindful of context and the evolution of language. Additionally, utilizing digital communication tools such as instant messaging or project management platforms can help streamline interactions and make collaboration more efficient.
It’s important to recognize and celebrate achievements, both big and small. Acknowledging the hard work and accomplishments of younger co-workers can boost morale and create a positive work environment. Whether it’s through formal recognition programs or simply expressing thanks in day-to-day interactions, showing appreciation and gratitude can go a long way in building strong relationships.
Flexibility, adaptability, and ability to understand our values are also significant qualities we look for. The workplace is changing rapidly, and being open to new ways of doing things can make a big difference. For example, many of us are accustomed to using various apps and software for everything from task management to team collaboration. Showing an interest in these tools can help you stay connected and integrated with the team’s workflow. Additionally, understanding that my generation highly values diversity, inclusion, and mental health is powerful knowledge. Recognizing and supporting these values can create a more inclusive and harmonious work environment. Simple actions, like ensuring everyone’s voice is heard in meetings or supporting initiatives that promote well-being, can show that you’re in tune with what matters to us.
Remember, the goal isn’t to completely change who you are. It’s to find common ground and build mutual respect. So don’t worry too much about making mistakes. Everyone does, and what matters is the effort to connect and improve. Your willingness to adapt and learn is already a significant step toward building better relationships with the younger workforce. By being authentic, communicative, flexible, and supportive, you can create a more inclusive and collaborative workplace that benefits everyone!
Best of luck!
Maci Kate the Intern
Editor’s Note: While Madeleine enjoys a well-deserved summer break for the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies.
This week’s response is from Maci Kate Rehborg, Blanchard Community Experience Intern.
Dear Madeleine,
I am a Boomer who is three or four years away from retirement (I hope). Over the last few years I have been working with many people who are much younger than my own children. I went from noticing that I was old enough to be the parent of my direct reports to now realizing I could be their grandparent.
I was comfortable navigating people who were the age of my own kids—after all, I was heavily involved in how the world was changing as they came of age. However, now I find myself a bit at sea. I am always worried about saying the wrong thing or doing something that will be interpreted as clueless. (I even worry that words like clueless are passé!)
I wonder what wisdom you might share that will help me relate more effectively to the kids just now entering the workforce.
Okay Boomer
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Dear Okay Boomer,
You have come to the right place! You are not the only one struggling—there is a fair amount of friction in the workplace for everyone trying to connect with others whose life experiences and perspectives are worlds apart. Blanchard’s philosophy—which is atypical—is that it is the job of the leader to understand and adapt to the needs of their people, not the other way around. So I appreciate that you seek to expand your awareness.
To assist with your quandary, my colleagues and I have decided to shift the focus of this column for a while in order to hear from the exact population you are struggling to understand. For the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies.
Also, I want to take this opportunity to make a plug for a podcast I have been lucky enough to be a part of called Mad & Lucy Mind the Gap, which explores all kinds of tricky workplace topics through the eyes of multiple generational and other diverse lenses.
So stay tuned! I am sure we will provide you with some ideas and maybe even some reassurance that we are all still just humans trying to make our way in the world.
Let’s all keep learning together!
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I have a high performer on my team (HP) who does very good transactional work. They work with speed and most people outside our team like them.
HP has managerial ambition but does not have capabilities to be a manager. We are a small, lean team after two rounds of layoffs, and there is simply no opportunity to promote anyone in the foreseeable future. When the time does come to promote someone, it won’t be an option for HP, as they have squandered every opportunity I have given them so far.
I have been invested in HP’s growth since the beginning. In the past, I’ve given them some dotted-line reporting opportunities for more junior team members, which did not go very well. Several of the junior members on the cross-functional team mentioned that HP bossed them around and was unpleasant.
I had high hopes for this person. Unfortunately, they took my positive encouragement as a promise. I have made the situation clear and have also told them directly that they should use special projects and other growth opportunities to develop their skills. My peers have reported that they experience HP as having a fixed-mindset. HP is never interested in the growth opportunities we have on the team where I could use their help. It seems the only option that will make them happy is a promotion and a raise.
I have tried other methods: encouraging talent mobility, giving unique assignments, investing in leadership training, giving extra attention and recognition, trying to build a deeper relationship, and being vulnerable. But nothing is working!
At one point, HP said “You are dumping this job on me because no one else can do it.” So I picked another team member who successfully completed the project with a great attitude.
I am equally fair with all my direct reports, but when I recognize anyone else, HP gets very jealous. They haven’t given me bad feedback directly, but because we are so small I know that on our last two annual surveys they were the person who gave me the worst scores on my effectiveness as a leader and wrote nasty comments. HP has shown themselves to be selfish in their actions. They show team spirit and alignment outwardly, but behind the scenes they say mean things and disagree with everything. I am finding them becoming more and more unfair, manipulative, and not appreciative of opportunities given to them.
It wasn’t always like this. Everything changed when it became clear that we don’t have a business need for another manager on our lean senior team. I am trying to keep things in perspective but am deeply hurt.
The first thing I want to do is look inward and see if I can change something or do anything else to revive my relationship with this team member and help them grow in other ways. Could you share two or three growth tips for me as a leader? I am at a loss and would love a word of advice.
Hurt
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Dear Hurt,
My first thought is this: if a friend you admire and respect were to put this case to you, what would you say?
I very much appreciate your desire to improve and grow as a leader. Some qualities you seem to have in spades: a growth mindset, an impulse to take personal responsibility, generosity of spirit, and a desire to help others on their journey.
Your High Potential (HP) had a lot of promise and did well at first. This early potential is clouding your vision, making it hard for you to see the current reality that HP’s most recent behavior betrays a rather staggering lack of character:
- Refusing work assignments that would help you;
- Displaying a fixed mindset (one of the hardest things to help others shift, in my experience);
- Displaying jealousy when others are recognized;
- Essentially not taking advantage of opportunities that you take pains to arrange;
- And, finally, retaliating against you with nasty feedback for circumstances beyond your control.
In short: this person is selfish, small-minded, and nasty.
It sounds like your organization has been through a lot, which curtailed HP’s potential trajectory. People show their true colors when they are under pressure. I am glad for you and your organization that HP’s pettiness was revealed before they got into a position to do some real damage.
We can speculate about what caused HP to fail to rise to their best self, but there is no way to really know. It doesn’t matter in the end. You have given them every opportunity—which, as you say, they have squandered, blaming you for their own failures.
Clearly, you err on the side of giving people the benefit of the doubt, and you’re a big believer in second—not to mention third and fourth—chances. Which is to your credit. In this case, however, you are still giving them everything you’ve got while they haven’t been bothered to meet you at all, let alone halfway.
I have only growth tip for you: You must not be more generous with others than you are with yourself. You can be generous, kind, and caring while maintaining a standard for civility and decency.
What should you do about HP? You didn’t ask me that, but I can’t help myself.
Take off your rose-colored glasses and stop taking HP’s behavior personally. I understand why you feel hurt after all your efforts, but this isn’t about you. This person has declined every opportunity to do the right thing and needs to go. The sooner you replace them and eliminate the toxicity they bring to the team, the better. More to the point: the risk you run by letting HP’s antics continue is that you could lose the respect of the rest of your people. Don’t let that happen.
I wish you luck.
With admiration, respect, and, as always, love,
Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
About six months ago, I went above and beyond to help out a new colleague. He had misread a deadline and needed to scramble to get a bunch of time-sensitive work done over a long weekend.
I willingly jumped in to help him, finding documents, getting permission to give him access to materials, and bothering lots of different people over the weekend on his behalf. He seemed to appreciate it, but never really went out of his way to thank me or anyone else who had put themselves out for him during this time.
Something similar happened recently, over another long weekend. I got a call from him at 9PM on Friday night, but I was without my phone during that time and didn’t notice the call until Saturday morning. When I called him back he declined the call, but then sent me an email detailing all the things he needed me to do for him over the weekend. None of it, let me be clear, was part of my job—and it again was an emergency for him. I was annoyed, but politely replied that I was tied up for the whole weekend including Monday (which was true) and would not be able to help him. I did suggest a few others who might have some free time to be able to help.
Well. He sent me an email back that was just nasty and cc’d my boss and his boss. He said I was unreliable, not a team player, and made it sound like I had promised to help him and then flaked out, which is not true. I am stunned—and hopping mad. I have written several different replies that all sound whiny and defensive, but haven’t sent any. I just don’t know quite how to share what really happened here without making myself look worse than I already do.
Would appreciate your input on this.
Put Out and Defensive
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Dear Put Out and Defensive,
It is really smart not to send any emails written while you are hopping mad. All I can think is that you somehow led this person to believe that you would always drop everything to help him. This is not your fault, per se, and people have created false expectations based on a lot less.
It seems like your colleague is disorganized or possibly overextended, and perhaps his stress just got the best of him. Or he is a bully who knows how to target nice people, and you stood up to him. Either way, the good news here is that he probably won’t prey on your goodwill again because, boy, did he burn that bridge.
Only you really know how to respond based on your own understanding of your company’s culture. Is there an expectation (explicit or implicit) that everyone is always available even when they are officially “off”? Even if that is true, these kinds of expectations usually apply only to team members who are on the hook for time-sensitive responses—and then, when they know they will be out of reach, they arrange for someone to cover for them. I don’t see how you could possibly manage the expectations of everyone in the company, other than putting something in your email signature line in advance and making it clear in your out-of-office response that you are not available.
I can say this: sitting far outside of your work environment, it sounds to me like your colleague was way out of line, and you owe him nothing. Not even a response. The only thing to be done is to send an email to your boss and his boss explaining your side of the story. Keep it brief, clear—and, to the extent possible, keep out the part about how personal it feels to you. Just the facts.
Hopefully, your boss knows you: that you are normally open to helping out when you can and that you are, in fact, a reliable team player. It seems clear that this colleague is the one who tries to make his own lack of planning an emergency for everyone else, even people whose jobs do not include helping him. If your boss doesn’t know you, it might be worth picking up the phone and having a conversation.
I suspect your colleague’s boss has seen other instances of irresponsible selfish behavior from him. It is almost certainly a pattern that has shown up elsewhere. Other than rationally setting the record straight, I don’t think there is much to do there.
Getting mad is appropriate, and you are smart enough to know that letting it show won’t be a good look. Just stand up for yourself by sharing what happened, and then let it go.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am a regional president for a global services company. One of my executive team members recently retired, leaving rather suddenly as the result of an unexpected health issue. We interviewed some candidates to replace him but, ultimately, I took his recommendation to go with the person who had been his chief of staff/second in command.
She interviewed well, outlined her vision and plans, and referred to herself as “strategic” multiple times. She has a lot going for her. But she has been in the role six months now and is just not stepping up the way I had been led to expect. I’m not seeing the strategic capability I need.
I know I’ve been spoiled by having a mature, experienced executive team for a long time. But I find I have little patience when providing detailed direction to someone who I think should not need it at this level. I struggle to explain exactly what she should be doing differently, but I think I’ll know it when I see it.
There are days I want to just call it a bad hire and try again—but I also don’t want to waste more time getting someone from outside the organization up to speed. Part of me feels like I should give her a chance to prove herself.
We are located in South America, so things get slow with vacations, etc. She is out for the next two weeks, and I want to be ready with a plan when she comes back. Any ideas?
Disappointed
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Dear Disappointed,
At the risk of insulting you, “I’ll know it when I see it” is just not good leadership. It is possible your new person won’t have what it takes to succeed, but I can guarantee that if you continue to make her guess what that is, you will both be miserable.
The leap from second in command to executive in charge of an entire business function is notoriously fraught for anyone. Based on my experience coaching clients who have been promoted into executive roles, the biggest shock is that they are expected to make recommendations and decisions. Most people, prior to becoming a senior executive, have spent their entire careers enjoying the luxury of knowing someone else is responsible for making decisions that will be either the right ones or the wrong ones. Mistakes at this level have massive consequences, and to suddenly be the one potentially making them can be terrifying enough to cause paralysis.
In addition, I think it can be especially challenging to join an intact executive team that has been together for years. You all have a shared history, language, and way of operating together that will take a newcomer a while to learn how to navigate.
I have some ideas that will help you be ready for your newbie’s return from holiday and get you both on a promising trajectory.
I agree that bringing someone in from the outside will take more time than getting your new exec where you want her to be. It will solve some issues and present a set of new ones. Either way, there are things you will need to do for a brand-new person and/or your existing person.
1. Integrate the Person into the Executive Team
Work with your HR Business partner to create a new Team Charter that lays out the mission of your executive team, the exact roles of each team member, and the behavioral and communication norms you can all agree to. You had this with your former team: a set of implicit rules you all abided by that probably developed organically over time. It is so subtle you didn’t even realize what you had until it was gone—but if you want to get it back, you will have to be intentional about it.
If you are like most senior leaders you will find this kind of work unbearably tedious, but I promise it will be worth it. It will give everyone on your executive team a chance to reboot and create clarity about what is expected by and of each member of the team. For more detail about that, here is an eBook that may help. This will lay the foundation for the next step.
2. Find a Way to Express Exactly what a Good Job Looks Like
I know you struggle with practicing patience, which I can understand, but putting a little effort into articulating what you need will pay off. It will either provide the clarity your new executive needs to succeed, or it will provide you with the evidence you need to replace her.
To get the kind of detail required, ask yourself some questions:
- What did your former exec do that made him so great?
- What did he not do?
- What are you hoping for that you are not seeing?
- What do you wish your new exec would do more of? Less of? Start doing? Stop doing?
- What needs doing that you take for granted and you think is obvious to everyone?
You have been a senior leader for so long, you and your team have forgotten how you got to be so competent. Consider these strategic management behaviors:
- Articulating and sharing vision and overall objectives
- Formulating goals
- Assessing internal environment and external threats
- Creating action plans to achieve goals
- Planning organizational structures and resource allocation
- Process re-engineering
- Providing direction and support to one’s own team
- Being a role model for organizational values and culture
- Leading change initiatives
- Evaluating results and responding accordingly
Use this to create your own list. What is missing from this list? What is on this list that isn’t important to you? Hopefully, getting to this level of detail will help you identify the exact areas where your new executive is falling behind.
Once you have made it crystal clear to your new team member what you need from her, only then will you know if she will be able to rise to the job. Otherwise, you are expecting her to read your mind, which isn’t clear to begin with. I expect if you hired a new person for this role, you would find yourself with the exact same problem.
After you have done a little bit of re-chartering with your senior team and have made clear what a good job looks like, you will need to bolster your newbie’s confidence. It will take time for her to get her feet under her, to trust what she knows, and to develop the courage of her own convictions. If you have done your part, she will feel more integrated with her new peers and be able to hear and respond to your direction.
I hope, for both of you, that she surprises you.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I manage a team of customer support specialists. The job requires in-depth knowledge of our products (outdoor/climbing gear, some of it very technical), so we have provided a lot of training and oversight.
In the past year we lost two of our best people, and the executive team refused to let me replace them. Things have gone okay since then; we have had to extend wait times for customers and haven’t received a ton of complaints—but now I am feeling the pinch.
Our company offers unlimited PTO and I have two employees who submitted their time-off request at around the same time. I know my team can barely cover when one person goes out on vacation, let alone two people. Normally I would just approve PTO for the first person who got their request in, but one of them is getting married and the other has a daughter who is getting married.
I just can’t say no, obviously. But the situation is not good: summer is our busiest season and I am really worried about how we are going to manage the volume. If one of my people gets sick, we will have a full emergency on our hands.
I just don’t see how this minimum staffing policy is sustainable. The whole thing is stressing me out. I am having nightmares and waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing.
I like the company. I think our products are amazing, I love our people, and I’ve always loved my job. I get calls from headhunters all the time—which I have always politely declined—but now I’m feeling like maybe I should pay attention.
I know I need to convince the higher-ups that it would be in the best interests of the company to restore the original size of the team, but I am not sure how. I would appreciate your thoughts on this.
Squeezed
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Dear Squeezed,
This sounds tough—and familiar. The days of do more with less are clearly here to stay. In your case, it sounds like it has passed that point and now you are expected to pull a rabbit out of a hat. And it is taking a very real toll. People (including you) need to take vacations and attend big family events.
I appreciate that you are eyeing potentially greener grass, but learning to how to make and argue a business case is a skill that will serve you well.
In my experience, executives tend to not be that receptive to emotional distress. But they do pay attention to math and to issues that threaten the brand’s reputation—essentially, anything that could affect revenue.
Start tracking the data on wait times and complaints. It might also be smart to check your reviews to see if comments about slow service are showing up or have significantly increased. You say you haven’t received “a ton” of complaints, which implies you are receiving more than usual. Do a little research. Find data about wait times for support and what people are willing to tolerate. How much is too much time?
If your brand promise is built on customer service, increased wait times will absolutely erode the company’s reputation. Do whatever you can to clearly show that reduced access to customer service will eventually hurt sales, if it hasn’t already. The key is to use facts and data to create a compelling narrative. Include charts and graphs to influence the visual executives.
When it is time to make your case, be ready to state your position: customer service is understaffed and it is hurting our business and our reputation. Then concisely share how you arrived at your position. Be prepared for questions and pushback. Know what is stated in the employee handbook regarding PTO and vacation time. Practice with a friend to ensure that you stick to the facts—and keep emotion out of it.
This might get you one more person.
It would also behoove you to brainstorm other ideas with your team for how to solve the problem, so that you can offer solutions other than increased headcount. Ideas might include:
- Cross-train others in the organization so that they can cover when your people are out on PTO.
- Train temps who are willing to come in on a substitute basis. Perhaps the people who left might be willing to fill in on occasion.
- Use technology (AI, increased information on the website) to help your team manage the load with fewer people.
I found a very interesting report on customer service that might expand your thinking about solutions. It wouldn’t hurt to sharpen your own expertise in order to be as informed as possible about what other companies are doing. The more you know and are able to demonstrate you have done your homework, the greater the chance your senior team will listen to you.
Most companies have been focused on reducing expenses and becoming as lean as humanly possible. It doesn’t occur to anyone that it all works fine until someone needs a day or a week off. There must be extra coverage to account for the fact that you (inconveniently) employ humans.
Try your hand at advocating for what you need to keep your part of the business running smoothly, Squeezed. Get as smart as you can about your business to see how you might get creative.
If you can’t make headway, maybe it would be smart to take some of those calls from headhunters. If you must leave the company to maintain your own sanity, your company will have no one to blame but themselves.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I run a rapidly growing not-for-profit. I put together a great board, our fundraising efforts paid off, and I have a great team.
In a recent chat, my head of accounting made a crack about needing to wait to share something with me because he wanted to catch me “in the right mood.” I called him and asked him to explain what he meant. He was kind of surprised I called him out on something he expected me not to notice, and was obviously afraid he had offended me. After several attempts, he finally spilled it. What he said really has me thinking.
The bottom line of his message was that I am really moody. No one on the team ever knows what state I will be in. They are always nervous I will be in “one of my moods,” and they know to watch for it and avoid me on those days.
I was shocked and offended, but I knew enough not to take it out on him. The truth is, I am moody. I have always been moody. I am super creative, I have a really high IQ, and it drives me nuts when I have to slow down or explain something more than once. I have very high highs and very low lows. I thought I was managing it so people didn’t notice, and it embarrasses me to admit this when it is so obvious now how wrong I was. I didn’t realize how much of an effect my moodiness has on my team. But now that I really look at it, I can see how it has impacted all of my personal relationships, not just work ones.
I know I need to do something about this. All my online results are trying to convince me that I have a personality disorder and need therapy and/or drugs, but that feels like overkill. I just don’t know what I can do on my own or where to start. I would appreciate your take on this.
Moody
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Dear Moody,
“The hardest thing about being a leader is that you have to behave yourself all day.”
Lee Cockerell, who was the executive vice president of operations for Walt Disney World® Resort for ten years and who trained over 7000 leaders for Disney, said this when he spoke at one of our company events about a decade ago.
At the time, my husband and I caught each other’s eye across an auditorium of people because we had never heard that truth stated quite so succinctly. And because he was speaking to us.
This statement is true for every leader, but it is more of a challenge for people who are super intense, who think and move quickly, and who have more ideas than they know what to do with.
You have self-awareness, Moody, which is a critical important first step. In addition, you got the memo that your natural tendencies are impacting others in a way that is eroding your effectiveness, which is the important second step. So you can pat yourself on the back and give yourself a little credit.
The next step is to dig deep to find the motivation you need and to practice the self-regulation you need to change your behavior. You may be able to tap into the purpose that drove you to start a not-for-profit in the first place. Another possible angle is to decide once and for all that your job is to serve your people, not to serve yourself and your moods. You are a powerful person, Moody, and you have power as well. It is important to always remember that your job is to use your personal and position power for good.
Finally, you will need to address your moodiness. This is a two-pronged project. You will need to do two things:
- Figure out what causes your mood swings to see if you can make some changes.
- Find ways to manage your behavior when you are in the grips of a mood.
These are two different things and the distinction is important. Many people mix the two together, which is what causes confusion.
- Reducing the wild swings
You can start this one on your own. If you can’t make headway, enlist the help of a professional. Start right now by noticing your mood patterns. What affects your mood? Things to examine:
- Lifestyle: There are so many lifestyle factors that can affect mood: Sleep, caffeine, exercise, meditation/yoga/prayer, diet, proper hydration. It is astonishing the extent to which blood sugar can affect mood, not to mention our ability to moderate our own impulses. So make sure you eat high-quality foods on a regular basis. Also, the effects of using alcohol and other substances can take a toll on mood. I know this is obvious, but what may not be so obvious is that it gets harder for the body to metabolize what are essentially neurotoxins as we age, and sometimes it takes a while for people to register that they can no longer get away with the same stuff they could in their youth.
- Fun: Are you having any? Are you doing enough of the things that bring you joy?
- Tolerations: Take stock of all the seemingly small things you are putting up with, such as: A light bulb in the fridge needs replacing, but you only remember when you open it and can’t find what you are looking for. There’s a re-occurring charge on your credit card for an app or service you thought you’d cancelled. The temperature regulation in your shower is wonky so you either get scalded or shocked, and the next available date the plumber can come is weeks away. None of these things are a big deal in the grand scheme, but boy, when they start to add up, it can really push you over the edge. Tolerations need to get handled by either delegating them or making the time yourself.
- Pay attention to what elicits a radical change in your mood. Once you have a sense of what throws you off, consider what you can change: what can you eliminate or delegate or avoid? How can you change the way you focus your time and attention?
2. Regulating your own behavior despite moods
- Protect yourself and others from your moods. If you are having a bad day, move meetings and do something that doesn’t require you to interact with others—admin work, research, writing, etc.
- If you get seriously triggered, go for a walk around the block and let yourself cool off.
- You can lose your mind and write whatever you want to express how you feel, or record on your phone whatever you want to say to someone you are annoyed with. But you can never send that email, text, or voicemail. JUST DON’T SEND. You can always revise when you feel more reasonable. You will never, ever regret something you didn’t say in the heat of the moment.
The skill to learn that will help you to both even out your moods and manage yourself when your mood goes dark is mindfulness. It is a big buzzword right now, and everyone has a book or class or program to sell you. Don’t let me keep you from educating yourself, but you can start practicing right now by simply noticing—paying attention—to your thoughts and feelings as they occur, with curiosity and without judging. This will build on your initial self-awareness and help you understand your own weather systems better. Keep notes on what you notice, what works, and what doesn’t.
Don’t try to do everything all at once; choose one thing to start with. Start small and don’t give up. If you can’t stick to it alone, this is a perfect thing to work on with a coach.
If you find that you can’t manage your moods with lifestyle changes, eliminating a lot of dumb stuff that sets you off, and finding more joy in your life, find a mental health professional to address underlying issues you may have. Any decent coach will know to refer you to a therapist if that is what is needed.
If not now, when? This isn’t something to leave for later. Your efforts will make a massive difference—to you, the people you work with, and the people you live with. And of course, to the success of your business.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I work on a team that has had a lot of turnover in the last couple of years. Although our company is very big, over time I have learned who to call to get things done. I am now considered our team’s “answer lady.”
The situation has slowly morphed into people asking me to forward their email instead of taking the next step themselves. I now spend time taking care of a lot of tasks that aren’t mine. In addition, my boss has had a lot going on in her personal life, so I frequently fill in for her.
I recently realized a lot of small things have added up to me doing so much more than I think is fair, and I am starting to get annoyed. How do I push back when my co-workers try to fob their work off on me? And how do I tell my boss I can’t fill in as much as she’d like? I have my own personal life to attend to, after all.
Answer Lady
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Dear Answer Lady,
How do you push back? How do you tell your boss enough is enough?
Directly, clearly, and kindly, but firmly. That’s how.
You are training your co-workers to believe you will take care of things they don’t know how (or want) to do. You are training your boss to believe you can do your job and hers, too. So cut it out.
I don’t want to sound like I’m blaming you—I’m not. This happens to most people whose first impulse is to be helpful until they realize they have created a problem for themselves. The problem is if you send the message that it is okay for someone to do something, they will keep doing it for as long as you allow it. So you must stop allowing it.
This might be uncomfortable and challenging at first because you have to set new expectations and retrain people, which will be inconvenient for them. You may even find that some folks get upset—but remember, the only people who get upset with you for setting boundaries are the people who benefit from your not having them. If you shy away from conflict, which I suspect is the case, this will certainly be unpleasant. But a moment of unpleasantness in exchange for not being annoyed all the time is worth it.
Next time a co-worker assumes you will take the next steps, clearly state who they should speak with and ask them to let you know how things work out. Do not volunteer to take over, forward an email, or get involved. Just stop taking on other people’s work.
As for your boss, I think it is fair for you to have a conversation with her. You can share that you wanted to help out because you know she has been having a rough time, but your workload is becoming unmanageable. Be prepared with a list of what you think makes sense for you to continue to do on her behalf until things settle down for her, and a list of activities you feel are way beyond your job scope.
This is, of course, unless you want to ask for a promotion and a raise. If you think it makes sense, you can certainly prepare to do that. You might want to rehearse with a friend how to frame your request so that you have a clean, concise approach. Something along the lines of “I understand you need coverage, and I wonder if it would make sense for you to deputize me for the duration? It might mean changing my title and possibly a bump in pay.” Avoid complaining. Instead, point out the reality and share some proposed solutions. Be kind but clear. The more you can keep feelings and emotions out of it, the easier the conversation will be for both of you.
The beauty of putting some time into practicing setting boundaries is that people often will sense the shift in you and stop asking you to do things they shouldn’t ask you to do. I am not quite sure how this happens, but I have experienced it myself and seen it happen for countless clients. But it doesn’t always. You still need to be ready to draw a line in the sand.
Start today. Stand up for yourself before you get so annoyed you say something you regret. It’s much better to strike while the iron is cold and say what needs to be said before you get heated up.
There is helping out in a pinch, and then there is letting people take advantage of you—which will continue to happen until you put up the hand.
Good luck!
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I had a big job and got a lot of manager training early in my working life. Then a series of events (I had a child with special needs, then another one, parents needing care, husband making enough to sustain the family) conspired to make me leave the workforce for about a decade.
I recently took what I intended to be a sales associate job in a large retail store. I wanted something that wouldn’t be too taxing and would bring in a little extra cash while my kids were in school. I was quickly promoted to a manager position.
I enjoy the work. It is low stress in that I don’t take work home with me. My problem is this: there is a rotating cast of characters in hourly positions who all report to me. The store offers a lot of flexibility, so we attract college kids on their summer break, young moms, retirees, etc. I have regular one-on-one meetings with each of them.
I have found the more I listen to people (something I am good at), the more they will talk. They tell me so much more than I need to hear. People call me at all hours to ask for advice, update me on a situation, or sometimes share good news.
My husband teases me and calls me the Doctor (based on Lucy in the Charlie Brown comics) and rolls his eyes at the number of calls and texts that come in my off hours.
I love these people, but I feel like they are eating at my life and I don’t know how to stop them. I don’t really even want to stop it, so much as control it. I’d appreciate your thoughts on this.
The Doctor Is In
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Dear The Doctor Is In,
I understand your frustration. As problems go, this is a good one. Having listening as a superpower is indeed a gift—but like most gifts, it can be a double-edged sword. This means your gift has a dark side and you have found it.
When I was training to become a coach and developing my own listening skills, I experienced the exact same thing. The more we listen, the more people talk. It is so rare to find someone who really listens—without interrupting, hijacking the conversation, making it about themselves, or outlining a solution—that once the floodgates open, it can be hard to close them. You have inadvertently stumbled over a universal law: the more you listen with empathy and compassion, the more people will talk.
I know the Doctor thing is a joke—but the fact is, you have been placing yourself in service to others. To be heard and listened to is extremely healing. It is no accident that millions of people make a profession of listening.
The question: how to control it.
The answer: ground rules and boundaries.
You are a manager, so it is fair to set the expectation that all conversations between you and your direct reports have a time limit and should revolve around work. Keep your questions focused on the job and the work environment and keep any curiosity you may have about the person’s life in check. Topics could revolve around these themes:
- Do people have what they need to do the job?
- How is their schedule working; do they need to make changes?
- Is there anything you can do to make their time at work more engaging or pleasant?
When issues begin to stray, gently redirect back to work topics.
It may be tricky to curtail your entanglement with people you already have a relatively personal relationship with, so focus first on new employees and getting the newest manager/employee relationships off on the right foot. Set your ground rules as expectations in the beginning when you explain what a 1×1 is. It will probably feel weird to you because you’ll have some habits to break, but a little discipline will go a long way.
Setting boundaries may take some practice. In your case, though, it is surprisingly simple. You took the job specifically because you wanted to leave work at work and spend your personal time doing other things (in your case, taking care of your family). I think it is supremely reasonable to reply to anyone from work who contacts you off hours with a polite and firm text message such as: “I am at home focused on my family right now, and look forward to speaking with you tomorrow when we are at work.”
For the people who are used to having after-hours access to you, it may help to speak to them about the impending change. For new people, you will set the expectation up front. For more on boundaries, I am a fan of the work of Dr. Henry Cloud.
It might be useful to think about what core need you are getting met that has gotten you into this pickle. Allowing your needs to drive your behavior isn’t a bad thing, until it starts interfering with how you function or how you want to design your life. The key is to find a way to get needs met that doesn’t cost you more than you want to pay. In your case, it is probably a deep need for connection and/or to help others. This is a classic psychological driver—and, as many people in the helping professions will tell you, the need for help out there is infinite. So if you don’t manage your own needs and set boundaries for how much you are willing and able to give, people will take and take until there is nothing left of you.
You have a big and loving heart, Doctor. The world could use a lot more people like you. Only you can take the required steps to treat that heart with the respect and care it deserves. That way you can keep on giving and still have enough left for yourself and your family for the rest of your life.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am the COO for a medium sized, mostly US-based specialty product business. Our CEO was always the idea guy and I was execution. Our business used to be straightforward, but we recently expanded with services and a couple of storefronts—against my recommendation.
Our CEO is a visionary and expects his executive team to figure things out. I thought we might be okay until I realized our CFO and the person who leads our IT department are completely in over their heads. The CFO has no experience at all with the complexities of offering services, how to get people paid, etc., and our technology guy keeps suggesting new software platforms, none of which seem to work with one another. We are spending more money than we anticipated. I feel like we are in a free fall, but my CEO has no interest in details.
I am at my wits’ end. I can’t possibly solve all our problems by myself. We had a perfectly good business, and I am furious with my CEO for blowing it all up. I told him making these big moves before we had some infrastructure in place was going to be a train wreck, but he becomes less reasonable by the day.
Part of me just wants to throw my hands up and walk away. I would lose equity but the way things are going, it will be a share of not much. The CEO and I were friends but the friendship seems to have gone down the tubes. I’m just not sure any of this can be salvaged. Thoughts?
Free Fall
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Dear Free Fall,
Well, you won’t be the first person in history to not be able to stop someone from making colossal mistakes only to end up holding the bag, and you won’t be the last. I am so, so sorry.
I think you already know what you are going to do, Free Fall. What you read next will only confirm it.
There are a few separate issues here. I will list them out and I don’t claim to have the priorities in the right order. Some of these things are more fixable than others.
- Your people do not have the skill sets required to lead the new parts of the business. (This can be fixed. Not as quickly as you’d like, but still.)
- There was not enough time spent planning and getting the right resources in place to pull off these big plans. (This is blood under the bridge—you can’t change the past.)
- Your CEO seems to have abdicated all responsibility, possibly after having lost his mind. (I suspect this is not something you can influence, since you have already tried.)
- The relationship between the two of you seems to be damaged beyond repair (unless, over time, you decide to let bygones be bygones).
- It sounds like you have a very lean operation with no other executives to support you. (It is hard to tell from your letter. If there are, in fact, some competent folks who can help, now is the time to call on them.)
- Your anger and frustration are clouding your ability to think straight. (This you have control over. The sooner you get hold of yourself, the better.)
Does that sound right?
I think your first job is to find a way to calm down so that you can make your first big decision: Is this worth fighting for or not? Whatever you normally do to calm yourself down will work: meditation, prayer, exercise, listening to opera. Turn off your phone. Take a night off and calm yourself down. Get a decent night’s sleep. Then if, as you have expressed, you are truly on your own here, ask yourself whether you have it in you to tackle this situation and get it turned around. If the answer is a hard no, there you have it.
If you do think you might have it in you, decide exactly what you are willing to do and for how long. The length of time matters; otherwise you will be stuck seeing the whole mess through to either success or failure, and who knows how long that will take. You’ll want to be at your best, and if you are overcome by your anger and frustration, you will need to find a way to park that or let it go.
Accepting the stark reality of the situation is the only way you will see what needs to be done. I am not saying your CEO isn’t to blame for your pain and suffering—I am saying putting a lot of energy into placing blame is not a good use of your time.
You might consider getting your CEO to agree, in writing, to a hefty bonus if you are able to turn things around. That might help you find the motivation to save the day.
Let’s say you put a stake in the ground and decide “Okay, I am going to give this my all for three months.” Then make a list of everything that needs doing. You are smart enough to know most of what needs to be done even if you don’t know how to do it. These things might include:
- Get help: call on a friend or mentor with business savvy for advice.
- Hire someone who knows what they are doing, or at the very least a consultant who can work on a contract basis.
- Make a plan of what to do and in what order.
- Delay anything that can be delayed.
- Tackle the big problems first and knock them down, one by one.
If this all makes you feel the kind of despair that makes you want to go to bed for the rest of your life, again you have your answer: either this has gone too far to fix or you just don’t care anymore.
Once you get all the emotion out of the way, it will be much easier to see the full reality and assess your willingness and ability to rise to the challenge.
At this point you are either thinking “I can do this” or “Run, don’t walk away from this mess.”
I wish you clarity, and the courage of your convictions.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I was lucky to land an incredibly cool job right out of school. I am in digital marketing and work on a team that supports influencers and artists, each with their own defined brand profiles. As a team, we are constantly sharing ideas, brainstorming, and coming up with creative new angles to suggest to our clients.
My problem is that one of my colleagues, who has kind of become a friend, seems to be developing a habit of telling people my ideas are actually hers. It is jarring! In our weekly meetings, my boss gives her credit for some of my original ideas. It took me a while to figure this out, but someone else on the team also noticed it so I started paying closer attention.
I haven’t said anything yet, I honestly don’t know what to say. My boss constantly talks about what a great team we are, “better together” and all that. How can I deal with this without looking like I’m throwing shade like a big whiny baby? I don’t want anyone to think I am not a team player, but I also don’t want someone else to get credit for my ideas. Plus, it is impacting the new friendship because I don’t trust her anymore.
I brought this up with some close friends and I am getting advice that’s all over the place. What do you think?
Idea Thief on the Loose
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Dear Idea Thief on the Loose,
I will admit to having a reflexive reaction—that your “friend” is a snake in the grass, and you should immediately find ways to protect yourself.
Then I employed my usual process, which is to apply universal laws or principles that have proven to be sound over decades of use:
- Give people the benefit of the doubt until you have clear evidence they do not deserve that benefit.
- If you are feeling paranoid you might be right, unless it is a pattern for you.
- If you have strong evidence your instincts are usually correct, you should trust them.
Which brings me back to my initial thought: Your “friend” is a snake in the grass, and you should immediately find ways to protect yourself. It is sad because there is nothing so grand as working with a thought partner or team where everyone has good ideas, people give each other credit, and the trust and synergy is so high that nobody can even remember whose idea something was.
Heeding your own experience is just smart. The worst case would be that you are wrong, Idea Thief is able to rebuild trust with you, you make a good friend, and you learn something. The best case would be that you send a message you are not to be messed with.
The question is what to do about it. How can you protect yourself without seeming oversensitive and risking being perceived as less than a team player?
Here are some thoughts:
- Build advocacy in the group: If someone else on the team has noticed it, it won’t be long before others do, too. There might be a way to arrange for someone other than you to point out when Idea Thief acts as if something you said was her idea.
- Don’t waste time second-guessing yourself or speculating about Idea Thief’s motives. It won’t help you.
- If you are still spending one-on-one time with Idea Thief, under no circumstances should you talk about work, share what you are working on, or in any way reveal what you are thinking about. You may notice she tries to get you talking—resist the urge.
- It might be tricky, but if you trust your boss you could share your concerns with them. Tricky because you don’t want to come across as a credit hog, but you do think it is important that credit be given to whom it is due. You can certainly explain that to your manager. You can also explain that you understand how lots of great ideas come from iterating with the team, but you think it is important for your boss to know where some of those ideas originated. You don’t have to whine about it but you do have to make sure they know what’s what.
I also consulted a couple of my own trusted advisors—one young person in particular told me she has seen this happen on teams and has been in your shoes. She is a few years ahead of you career-wise, and has worked in some high-pressure, cutthroat environments. Here is her advice:
“This is a growth opportunity for the letter writer; a chance for them to regularly document their ideas for visibility. It sounds like the leader isn’t doing a whole lot of leading; they are placing their focus on generating new ideas and not taking the time to see the people behind those ideas. The writer needs to bring the receipts: if they haven’t already, they must start their own independent documentation of what they bring to the table. If the manager is overlooking the person’s ideas and contributions now, what do they think will happen in their performance reviews? It’s time to protect themselves. If they have a 1:1 document shared with their manager, it’s time to start taking stock of what they bring to the team. If I were the employee, in my next 1:1 I would ask my leader for feedback on how I present my ideas. Maybe they aren’t presenting their ideas in a confident way to the group, and it allows the other person to steal their moment.”
I think that pretty much says it all, my friend. The idea of documenting all your interactions and contributions is a really good one. It might seem self-interested to you now, but the discipline will, in fact, serve you very well over time. In most businesses, yours in particular, the competition will only become more intense over time. You will always be your own best advocate. Your radar for people who don’t have your back will also be useful.
You don’t need to become a Machiavellian manipulator, but you can’t be naive either. The good news is if you stay the course and end up in a leadership position, you will be good at noticing who brings what to the table. You will have the luxury of not needing to take credit and happily sharing it with your people. I wish for you to find a super high-trust team to work with in the future, but until then: be strong, be fierce, and don’t let anyone take anything from you that you aren’t willing to give.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am a young professional woman in the biotech space. I started with one company right out of college and then was recruited away to the company I am with now. I double majored in biology and business, and my company is paying for me to get an MBA right now. I love my job, I love school, and I have big dreams to someday be a member of a team that uncovers new medical approaches with plant compounds.
Here is my dilemma: I spend time with my friends from college (not much, because of work and grad school), and the conversation always seems to turn to balancing career and life, not wanting to be a slave to a company, and not letting our job define us. Most of my friends are pairing up, and it seems that one person (usually the woman) tends to sacrifice their ambition for their partner.
I don’t say much in these conversations because I don’t want to have to defend myself. But the fact is that I am delighted to work all the time, I love what I am doing, and I think my dreams and ambitions very much define me.
My mother is worried I am going to end up alone and will regret being so career-focused right now. Also, she wants grandchildren and I am not at all certain I even want to have kids.
What do you think? Am I making a mistake?
All In for Work
________________________________________________________________________________
Dear All In for Work,
Short answer: No. It is a beautiful thing to have a compelling mission. It makes life super fun and interesting. As long as you are reasonably happy, this can make for a very rewarding life—and you sound perfectly happy right now. There is no reason to let yourself be pressured by peers who aren’t having the same experience you are having. Or by your mother (sorry, Mom), who, of course, wants only the best for you but does not seem to see who you truly are. There is one moment in your life when you can focus on your work with no distractions or obligations, and it is now. I say enjoy the heck out of it while it lasts.
Longer answer:
I was born in 1960, so when I was at your stage in life I was being fed what turned out to be a bit of a lie (from the older wave of Boomers) that “women can have it all.” My experience was that women can have it all, just not all at the same time. The other secrets no one mentioned was that the women who want it all need to have three critical things:
- An unusual amount of stamina. The person who needs to get a solid ten hours of sleep every night, to exercise for at least an hour a day, and to meditate for another hour is going to have a tough time raising kids and crushing a career.
- A job situation which allows a great deal of flexibility to get work done on their own schedule.
- A partner (eventually) who is as dedicated to their success as they are to their own.
The thing you have now that so many generations of women didn’t have is choice.
Keep this in mind: the best thing you can do for yourself is keep your options open as you go. As you near your thirties and find yourself on the fence about having kids, you can always freeze your eggs. What you are noticing about how one partner in a relationship tends to sacrifice opportunities is statistically accurate. So if you meet a potential partner who feels right for you, make sure you are upfront about your ambitions and be clear that is not something you are signed up to do, so there is never any confusion. Many young people make the decision to become part of a duo out of fear of ending up alone, but I can tell you from where I stand that making big life decisions out of fear rarely turns out well.
You are asking the right questions, All In. The key is to keep checking in with yourself on a regular basis to make sure you still want exactly what you have created and are creating for yourself. Values—the things most important to us—do change. And yours may change. You just don’t want that to happen without noticing it. The thing you most want to avoid is regret. The more experience and education you accrue, the more choices you will generate for yourself.
You are one hundred percent allowed to design your own life exactly the way you want. Everyone you talk to will have an opinion about it (including me!) and, as interesting as the opinions may be, the only one that matters is yours. As long as you are keeping your options open and your finger on the pulse of what matters most to you, you will be ready to pivot quickly should you desire.
So go, go, go! Study hard, work harder, and enjoy your progress. As long as you stay tuned in to your inner voice, you will be just fine.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
My company offers a lot of classes, and about six months ago I learned SLII®. I have been managing people for about a decade and honestly, learning SLII® changed everything for me. I realized my biggest issue was that I hold back when it comes to giving people crystal clear direction or providing close oversight when people are starting a new task or embarking on a goal that is new to them.
Early in my career, I read a lot about the horrors of micromanagement—and I have always hated being micromanaged myself—so I think I have often over-corrected to avoid ever being accused of it. But now in hindsight, I see that caused any number of problems.
Here is my situation: I work from home a couple days a week, and quite recently my husband got a new job which allows him to do the same. The other day, he was walking by my office and overheard a conversation I was having with a new hire. We hired this person specifically to have someone tackle a massive technical job that has been backlogged for a long time. It is critical that the job be done in a way that doesn’t mess up a bunch of other systems. So I have been using a Style 1 with her—giving her very clear direction and giving her daily checklists for practicing in a demo system before I let her loose on the real thing. She is picking it up very fast, but the system was custom built for our company, so she has never worked in it.
Later in the day, my husband casually remarked that I am “really bossy.” He was kind of teasing me, but it threw me for a loop. I tried to explain that the person I was speaking to is new and really needs the clarity I was trying to give her.
I am now back in the uncertainty and fear of all the negative things that come with the word bossy. We had a joke about Bossy Cow in our house when our kids were little, but I am not laughing.
Am I a—
Bossy Cow?
____________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Bossy Cow,
Oh, my dear, I hear your pain and confusion.
Before we dive in, I just want to provide a little context about SLII® and what Style 1 means. SLII® is a leadership model that helps managers offer their team member the best mix of clear direction and support as they tackle a specific task, depending on their mix of competence and confidence on that task. In that context, a Style One (or S1), means giving clear directions and painting a picture of what a good job looks like—with step-by-step instruction, if needed. For a deeper dive on this, here is an e-book that will provide more detail for those who want it.
Okay my friend, I will not call you Bossy Cow, because you are not one. What you are is someone who is clearly setting your new employee up to crush it. You are, in short, someone who is doing her job.
Please forgive me for succumbing to my own frustration around gender stereotyping and bias that tends to be a sore spot for many women. There is a meme that’s been around forever that points out that when little boys boss people around they are showing leadership ability, but when little girls do it, they are just bossy. It is so tiresome. And you know what? I think your husband could have inadvertently poked at that sore spot. This may not even be true for you, but now I have gotten it out of my system so I can move on.
Part of what causes burnout or apathy for people in organizations is when they don’t really know what is expected of them at work, or aren’t getting enough feedback to know whether they are doing a good enough job or how to get better.
One recent study found that only 45% of younger workers (those under 35) clearly know what is expected of them at work. Seriously, how can anyone be expected to do a good job if they aren’t sure what the job is?
Another one found that 96% of employees say getting regular feedback is a good thing.
Setting people up to be successful takes a lot of time and attention. You are clearly providing your newbie with plenty of both. This is a good thing. But, more important, you are establishing a partnership with your employee and sending the message that you care about her and her success.
Finally, if you are really worried that you might be micromanaging inappropriately, remember a key tenet of SLII®: you must partner with each of your direct reports to establish exactly what they need from you on each task or goal. Giving direction is only micromanaging if the person being managed doesn’t need it. Not giving direction to people who really need it is just—bad management. Or no management.
Ultimately, the only accurate arbiter of whether or not you are giving the right amount of direction and support is the person who is getting it. So if you are concerned that you are being too bossy, ask your employee questions like “Am I telling you stuff you already know?” or “Will you be sure to tell me if I am over-explaining stuff?”
The more you ensure that your people feel safe letting you know if they need more or less from you, the more secure you will feel. And when your new kid hits D2—the stage of being disillusioned and realizing the job is harder than she thought it would be—she will tell you and you will be ready to add plenty of support. She will be a strong, independent performer before you know it!
You obviously care, and you are doing it right. Next time your husband calls you bossy, just laugh and say “Moo.”
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I recently hired a new member for my team. She was great in the many rounds of interviews, seemed to have the skills we needed, and was unanimously the first choice of the hiring committee.
She is now about six weeks in, and I keep waiting to see the person I met in the interviews.
She has not completed any of her onboarding training. When I look in our LMS, she seems to have made it through only about 40% of some of the required modules. I have had to show her several times how our Teams site is set up (she was used to the Google Docs system), and she keeps asking questions that she would know the answers to if she had looked at the different files I have assigned to her. I can see in people’s files the last time they were opened, and she has only opened about a quarter of what I expected.
It’s like she can’t remember anything we talk about from one day to the next.
I asked her to submit a short report on all the calls she is attending with her teammates so that I can keep track of what she is picking up. She submitted one short report and then nothing. (I should have at least fifteen by now.) We meet every other day and I have brought this up several times. She assures me she is working on them. I know she has plenty of free time but I have no idea what she is doing with it.
I’m so confused. I don’t want to come down on her like a ton of bricks, but I need to get to the bottom of what is going on. I think I may have made a terrible mistake. What should I do?
Terrible Mistake
____________________________________________________________________________
Dear Terrible Mistake,
Oh dear. I am sorry. It is so strange when people come across one way all through the interview process, and then turn out to be not at all what you were led to expect.
The only thing to do is tackle this head on. Share with your newbie what you expected compared to what she has managed to accomplish and ask her what is going on. The question is: “What has gotten in the way of your being able to meet these expectations in the past six weeks? Is it too much work? Is it lack of clarity? Is there something you need from me that you aren’t getting?”
She will either be honest and tell you, or she won’t. If she does, then you’ll know what you are dealing with. Much as I hate to speculate, it might help you to prepare for different scenarios.
- If something totally unexpected has happened, she might need help to arrange for a short-term leave.
- If it turns out she has no idea how to prioritize all of the tasks, you might offer to break down the tasks you expect to see completed day by day.
- If she is feeling so behind now that she has become paralyzed, you might re-negotiate her deliverables and offer a fresh start.
- If she is second-guessing her own interpretation of what a good job looks like, you can offer more clarity. Your newbie may very well need a list of what you expect laid out as daily tasks until she finds her footing.
It would be smart to involve your HR business partner if you have one. If your newbie has a learning difference and needs extra time or help, there may be provisions for that. If she is dealing with an unforeseen challenge, she may need to take some time to deal with it.
She may decline to tell you the truth about what is going on and try to head you off with more promises to catch up, so you should be prepared to not accept that. The key is for you to tell the truth as kindly as possible, without judgment or blame. It might sound something like: “Look, let’s not worry about catching up. I’m okay with letting go of the reports I asked for—those were to help you keep track of what you are learning. But I do need to see x, y, z by the end of the week. Is that something you think you can commit to?”
You will also want to be prepared to share the potential consequences if it becomes clear that she is not able to do the job the way it needs to be done. Maybe you won’t have to share those just yet; but if she commits to something you think is eminently doable and then doesn’t come through, you may have to at that time.
It sounds like you have been patient. It also sounds like she may think she can fly under the radar with substandard work. It is time to get the cards out on the table—to be clear that you are paying attention but also that you are invested in helping her succeed. But for you to help, you have to understand what is going on.
Being direct and telling the truth can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to mean “coming down on her like a ton of bricks,” It just means—well, being direct and telling the truth. Not doing that won’t serve either of you. If she is ultimately not capable of doing the job, keeping things in limbo will just make things worse.
Be kind. Be respectful. Be truthful.
Give her step-by-step instructions if you both agree it will help. Give her an out if there doesn’t seem to any help for it.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I was let go from my last job due to a massive reorganization. I didn’t like it, but my entire department was eliminated so I didn’t take it personally. I got a new job soon afterward and I like the job and the company a lot.
I have been in my new position for more than a year and have recently started to hear rumors about restructuring. I have a growing anxiety about losing my job again. This is not reasonable because I feel pretty secure here, but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I don’t normally experience a lot of anxiety. It’s very unpleasant and I would love to know how to stop feeling this way. Any thoughts on this would be helpful.
Obsessing
______________________________________________________________
Dear Obsessing,
Anxiety is indeed unpleasant; I am sorry you are grappling with it. I do have thoughts, but before I share them, a caveat: I am not a trained mental health professional. I am only a coach with some tried and true principles and some lived experience. Therefore, it is my duty to advise you to consult a therapist if none of my ideas are useful and your anxiety continues to worsen. The only reason I’m not suggesting you immediately consult a therapist is because you don’t historically struggle with anxiety and you haven’t mentioned that it is getting in the way of your doing a good job. Anxiety is not a pattern for you, and it is not yet keeping you from functioning.
Now, to the promised thoughts.
Anxiety, at least a little, can be useful. The key is to leverage anxiety to fuel success—to run it. And not let it run you.
I have two categories of tips to share with you. One of them is neuroscience research so that you can understand what anxiety is and learn to befriend it. The other is standard career-building wisdom, or ways you can use anxiety as fuel.
Here is what we know about how our brains work. The brain is a prediction machine and its job is to keep us alive. When hard or challenging things happen, the details get encoded into our brains as known threats. The part of the brain where threats are recorded (the limbic system) cannot tell time; therefore, it makes no distinction between the past and the present. And it is emphatically not known for being reasonable. It is kind of like a big, dumb gorilla who is assigned to be your bodyguard and can’t tell a real threat from something that looks a lot like a threat but isn’t. To your gorilla guardian, the idea of restructuring equals “I am going to lose my job, starve to death, and die alone in the street.” It isn’t his fault; it is simply what he knows based on experience and watching the news (and, in my case, reading way too many novels). So he needs to be told to calm down and chill out.
The way to get the reasonable part of your brain to manage the gorilla is to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness can be defined as noticing and paying attention to your thoughts and feelings with curiosity and without judgment. It is a skill and does take practice, but you don’t have to even be good at it for it to make a difference. When you notice feelings of anxiety cropping up, you can say to yourself, “Wow, isn’t that interesting, here is that anxiety again. I wonder what that might be about? Maybe it has something to do with the word restructuring. Hmm. Or not. I wonder what it’s about? Might I be anxious about something else?” And so on. Essentially, you can talk yourself off the ledge and get yourself back on an even keel.
Another technique is to indulge your anxiety and do what I call “worst case scenario” thinking. That goes something like this: “Oh, here comes that anxiety again. Arg. Gosh, it feels gross. I think I might be feeling anxious because there is talk of restructuring—and the last time that happened, I lost my job. So there is a chance, even though I don’t think it will happen, that I could lose this job. So, okay. What if I were to lose this job? Would that be the end of the world? No. I have proven to myself that I am perfectly capable of getting another job—in fact, I could even get a better job than this one.”
The bottom line is that you probably are not going to end up living in your car. And the reasonable part of your brain knows that.
One certain way to focus your brain away from the perceived threat is to focus it toward things you can do to ensure that you remain valuable to your current organization. This is where you can apply standard career-building practices. You might ask yourself:
- Am I crystal clear about what my boss’s goals are? Do I know what matters most to them? Do I prioritize my work according to those goals and priorities?
- Do the people I work with see me as reliable? Relatable? Caring? Engaged? Consistent? Responsible? If not, where might I put some attention to change any impressions that might be hurting me?
- Am I as helpful to my teammates and the people our department serves as I could be? Do people see me as someone who goes the extra mile with a good attitude?
- Do I go out of my way to volunteer for extra events the organization sponsors?
- How might I exceed performance expectations? Can I get ahead of deadlines? Can I improve the quality of my work? Is there a way to influence my peers so that we improve the outcomes expected of us?
- Do I take the initiative? When I need help solving a problem, do I have some solutions to propose? Do I see opportunities for our department to provide even more value than we already do?
- Are there any new skills I might learn, or any that could be sharpened, that would make me even better at my job? How might I learn a new skill or upgrade one I already have?
People who think this way are the least likely to end up on the cut list when reductions need to be made. And I hate to tell you this, but most successful people are partially driven to excel and achieve by the terror of being judged and found wanting. It is the double-edged sword of anxiety: a little can be a huge contributor to performance; too much will prevent us from doing anything at all.
For goodness sake, please don’t attempt all of these, or at least not all at once. If one of these ideas jumped out at you as a no-brainer, try that one first. At worst, it will keep your mind busy with something positive and give you less time to ruminate on negative possibilities.
Have cozy chats with the sweet-but-not-very-bright gorilla who has your best interests at heart and tell him to take a nap. Try worst-case scenario thinking. Seek ways to make yourself irreplaceable to your team and your boss. Focus on what’s working well and make it work even better.
And breathe. Two counts in, four counts out. Ten times in a row. Five times a day.
You are going to be okay, Obsessing. Regardless of what happens.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I have been a student of leadership ever since I became a supervisor in my first job in the early 90s. I am now a VP of services for a collection of call centers across the UK.
I have practiced to the best of my ability everything I have learned from Ken Blanchard’s books and all of the content available over the years from Blanchard newsletters, blogs, and webinars. My company offers no training whatsoever for managers, so I have done my best to share what I’ve learned with managers who have reported to me.
I strive to seek the best in people, give them the proper mix of direction and support, help them to find opportunities, etc. Since my company has values up on the walls that have no meaning to anyone, I have come up with my own values: consistency, civility, accountability, and fairness. I share them regularly with my team and even have them on my email signature. The outcomes in my area speak for themselves, I am happy to say—until now, anyway.
I am facing a situation with a manager who reports to me. I have tried everything. He is downright nasty to his people and uses fear tactics to get results—which, predictably, have been suffering.
The last time I met with him to point out the dip in his units, he retorted that he didn’t think it was fair for me to hold him responsible for his team’s performance. He pointed out that one of my values is fairness, blatantly throwing my core beliefs in my face. I was so aghast that I was quite literally speechless. I pretended I had another meeting and told him we would take this up at his next one on one.
I have tried to be a role model for managing people and inspiring their best work. With this person, it seems all for naught. I feel confident about what I need to do here, but am writing to you to double check my instincts.
Speechless
_________________________________________________________________________
Dear Speechless,
First, my hat is off to you for your dedication to being the kind of boss we all wish we had.
Well, not all, I guess, but most.
You didn’t mention exactly what you think you need to do, but I, too, was rendered momentarily speechless by your employee’s response. I wonder who he thinks should be held responsible for the performance of a team if not the manager? That might be a question to ask in the conversation you have where you tell him it is time to part ways. (If that is not your instinct, might I be so bold as to suggest it should be.)
I know in the US, when a manager lets someone go, it is helpful to have documentation of poor performance, lack of civility, and insubordination. I don’t know if that is as necessary in the UK.
Either way, though, it does sound like you have done your utmost, and it is time to offer the opportunity to someone who at least seems to care about people and is willing to take responsibility.
Part of me is curious as to how he got the job in the first place, because he must have shown some promise—at something. But there is no telling how the sudden acquisition of power will change people. It can be truly startling.
Something Scott Blanchard (our CEO) says all the time is how mystified he is by managers who think it is okay to treat their people in ways they themselves would never tolerate. But this behavior is remarkably common. Apparently though, not on your watch.
You’ve gone to the trouble of defining your values, and I think you can lean on them to make the right decision here.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I manage a team of mostly young people, all of whom manage internal communications for a global manufacturing company. A few years ago the company went to an unlimited paid time off policy. I have read a lot about the effects of unlimited PTO, and note that the biggest risk is that people don’t take enough time off, whereas in the past they were required to take their PTO or risk losing it.
My general approach has been that if your work is done to the expected standard, taking PTO is fine. I guess it never occurred to me that anyone would take off more days than what I consider to be reasonable unless they had medical issues or were taking care of a family member. It also never occurred to me that my idea of reasonable is not necessarily what others may interpret as reasonable.
My problem is that I have one person who takes entirely too much time off. And it isn’t to deal with problems—she is off larking about with her friends. (Note: this is not my opinion; she shares openly.)
Her performance is excellent, so I can’t really make the case that she shouldn’t take PTO—except other team members are noticing and judging. She often is not available to discuss work assignments or to help others on the team when they need something from her.
I think she would be eminently promotable if it weren’t for the fact that she never seems to be around. How do I tell her that it just isn’t a good look? Her overuse of PTO is causing me, and others, to question her commitment to the job. Do you think that is fair?
Questioning Judgment
___________________________________________________
Dear Questioning Judgment,
Boy, isn’t this interesting? It highlights what happens when rules are open to interpretation and when we make assumptions.
My first thought is if Larking About can get her work done with plenty of time left over, she could be doing so much more if she buckled down and put some elbow grease into it. But I suspect that would be interpreted as old-school thinking. And we all know that the reward for excellent work is—more work. This is how we have collectively created the hamster wheel we all perpetually bemoan. So my second thought is wow, Larking About might be on to something. My third thought, based on my experience that you never know what hard thing is coming at you, is that we should all save up as much goodwill as we can regarding PTO for when we really need it.
But seriously, as her manager, it is up to you to help LA understand the impact of her choices on her career, as well as the impression her choices are having on both her reputation and her options when it comes to optimal work assignments and advancement opportunities.
I imagine your employee handbook has some guidelines about how people should use “unlimited” paid time off. For example, my own company requires that all team members submit their time-off requests in advance to their manager for approval, collaborate with their team to ensure proper coverage, and limit their consecutive out-of-office days to no more than 15 at a time. It might be useful to find the handbook and see what is laid out in black and white that might support you when the time comes for a conversation.
Because that is where this is leading. A conversation. The first order of business is to find out what LA’s hopes and dreams are when it comes to her career. She may not think of her work as a career; she may simply think of it as a job. If that is the case, other than making sure she complies with whatever rules do exist, there may not be much you can do. LA may be just fine having a job and doing it well. No harm in that.
However, if LA does want a career, which would mean development projects and advancement, she needs to know how the intangibles—what I think of as “personal public relations”—are going to affect her future.
You can keep personal judgment out of it and simply share that perception is important and taking excessive PTO can create an impression of a lack of commitment to work. When it comes to advancement, it’s a fact that HR and leadership teams tend to favor those employees who exceed expectations over those who simply meet expectations. So if LA has ambitions to advance, she might consider taking on volunteer roles or more work for the team, which would limit her PTO and bring it in line with expectations. This, of course, would require you to define what you believe to be reasonable. I suspect what is reasonable in your mind is roughly the amount of vacation time that employees were afforded before you went to the new model. If your company does not provide guidelines, you might find some in this article: Paid Time Off Practices Around the World.
Do I think it is fair that LA’s behavior is causing others to question her commitment? It doesn’t matter what I think. That’s what is happening, fair or not. Perception is everything, and LA needs to understand that. Once she recognizes the impact of her choices (with your help), she can decide to change them. Or not. And she will reap the consequences of those choices.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am a marketing director for a medical devices company. I manage all our social media and speaking engagements, which involves a lot of details and spreadsheets with tasks and tracking results. Part of my job is to conduct interviews with experts and write them up for our website, and to write articles that make the latest research accessible and engaging to our audience of doctors and nurse practioners, as well as the patients who (hopefully) need what we make.
My problem is that I block out time to write, and it always seems to get overridden by crises of the day, emergency team meetings, the limited time of the doctors I need to interview—you name it. Something always seems to get in the way. Am I just making excuses? I have tried blocking time on weekends, which works, but then I feel resentful that I am sacrificing my very limited personal time. I am behind on my writing commitments and can never seem to get caught up. I haven’t been dinged on my performance (yet), but that is only because my manager has also done a lot of writing and is sympathetic.
How does anyone manage a huge job and focus on writing projects? I worry that I have become a professional procrastinator. Any ideas here?
In Procrastinating Hell
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Dear In Procrastinating Hell,
Oh, do I ever have some ideas—because I have lived in that hell for a very long time, and so has every writer I know. Anyone whose job involves writing has to make their peace with how they make time for it. Even successful novelists have to spend part of their workdays managing administration, requests for manuscript reviews and quotes, editing finished work, etc.
I wish I had a magic wand for you, but there isn’t one. The only way, which you clearly know, is to block time. The thing you haven’t figured out is how to protect that time as if your life depends on it. I am going to share an idea that you are not going to like. I didn’t like it when I first stumbled over it (in a blog about how hard it is to get writing done as part of a full-time job that involves a million other tasks), and I still don’t.
But I can guarantee that it works.
I call it the early bird method. I deploy it when I have a critical writing deadline that I am not making progress with. Here it is:
Set the alarm for 5 AM. Do not hit snooze. Get your coffee or matcha, be at your desk at 5:15, and write from 5:15 to 6:15 AM.
You resent giving up your personal time, which is fair, so if you want to try this, you might be able to make the case with your sympathetic manager to end your workday an hour earlier. The beauty of the early bird method is how unlikely it is that anyone will try to schedule over that time frame.
You might hate that idea so much it is an automatic no for you. You might be such a night owl that it is simply not in the cards. In that case, consider writing from 8 PM to 9 PM four nights a week. Hate that just as much? Your allergic reaction (if you are having one) to both options may provide the grit you need to aggressively guard your writing time on your regular workday calendar. If the word aggressive seems too strong, well, that might be part of the issue. It takes nerves of steel to protect your own time to focus on what is important. It is a sign of taking ownership.
Might I submit that one of the reasons you are susceptible to being pushed off course by the myriad crises du jour is that you are terrified of what I think of as the “tyranny of the blinking cursor.” This makes you normal. Writing is scary. Writing is hard. And writing, like anything else worth mastering, seems to just get harder because the better you get at it, the more you realize how much better you could be. Writing requires 100% of your focus. There is zero possibility of multi-tasking, and every interruption takes a minimum of five precious minutes of recovery.
Let’s talk about procrastination. There is compelling research from Dr. Sirois, a professor of psychology at the University of Sheffield, that proposes when we procrastinate it isn’t because we are lazy, it is because we seek to avoid negative moods around a task. So, think about it. You feel pressured (because who doesn’t?), worried about job security, nervous about your writing ability and God only knows what else. So what is needed to overcome the tendency to put off what is hard is self-compassion. Take a little walk and admit to yourself all the unpleasant emotions you have connected to writing and talk yourself off the ledge by acknowledging them, reminding yourself that all those emotions are normal, totally okay, and nobody dies trying to get writing assignments done. The upshot is that you must get better at being kind to yourself. Becoming a dependable writer is a bit of a spiritual development program, too! Unexpected bonus! The unpleasant feelings are real. One writer I work with recently admitted that the blank page gets her into such a state she sometimes takes a Xanax when she must start something brand new. I submit that idea might not be sustainable but, in a pinch, hey, I’m not judging. The point is that you must find a way to calm yourself down; intense exercise, meditation, mindfulness, prayer, singing along with Broadway shows at the top of your lungs, putting on Uptown Funk and dancing like a lunatic. Whatever it takes.
Finally, there are some little things you can do to help yourself before you sit down to write:
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Capture ideas as you go about in meeting mode, all the stuff you do that might accommodate multi-tasking. Keep your notes app open or keep a legal pad at your side and create mind maps for each writing project as you lead up to butt-in-seat writing time. Entire outlines can come to you in the car or in the shower—don’t let those go to waste!
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Interview yourself out loud while recording yourself on your phone. Pretend you are the interviewer who asks questions like:
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What is the big idea for the piece?
- What makes it important?
- Who needs to know this big idea?
- How would you explain it to a six-year-old?
- What is most surprising about this idea?
- What evidence can you share that supports this big idea?
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Is there a story you can share that will help others relate to it or apply it?
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Some writers I have worked with have had some success creating small rituals to get them into writing mode; e.g., cleaning off the desk, getting tea, lighting a candle, counting your breaths. Whatever works to get you settled down and into the zone.
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Find a dedicated writing spot. I worked with one manager who had an open-door policy and could not bring himself to turn down anyone who needed his help, so he ended up escaping to the back stairwell of his office building when he needed to write. The sheer physical discomfort helped him get the job done in record time! Some people find it much easier to focus when the silence isn’t deafening, when they must use part of their brain to tune out ambient noise. You can find them all at your local Starbucks.
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Go for a walk. All the research shows that getting outside and walking literally doubles our creativity. It is rare to see such a startlingly clear effect in scientific research. So if all else fails, go out for a walk, take your phone (on DND), and record your genius.
Ultimately, however, there is no getting around the unpleasant fact that you must schedule and defend writing time. If you are succumbing to pressure to relinquish it, it might be due to your own unwillingness to face unpleasant emotions. Tell yourself the truth and forgive yourself. Get up early, work late at night, resort to weekends—if you can’t get it done during the regular workday, it is up to you.
Every single person who writes knows how hard it is. Experiment with some of these ideas, and, most importantly, don’t give up.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I read your last blog Not Sure How to Address Burnout? with interest. I work in consulting with one of the big five consulting firms. We hire go-getters and work them hard. The competition is fierce and only the most driven get promoted. The rewards are, shall I say, significant—but I won’t lie, the workload is intense. We never pretend otherwise.
We hire kids straight out of the best business schools because we know they’re the brightest and are used to brutally hard work. Yet, in the last few years, I have noticed a lot more complaining about workload. There seems to be an expectation among our newbies that they should get to have lives outside of work. WTH?
Frankly, that just isn’t the way it works. I keep referring them back to what was shared with them before they signed on: There is quite literally—I mean, in writing—the expectation set that, at least for the first couple of years with us, people should expect to not be able to do much other than work. I don’t know how we could be more explicit.
I find this very tiresome. What happened to paying your dues? What happened to sucking it up and devoting oneself to high performance? What happened to dedication? I know I should be more empathetic, but when I try to empathize I always go back to feeling resentful. The voice in my head says, “Well, I worked like a dog for umpteen years, I figured it out, I never whined like a big baby, which is why I make the big bucks and get to boss your sorry ass around.” I know that attitude is not getting me anywhere, but I am not sure what to do with it.
Any insight around this?
Exasperated
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Dear Exasperated,
If you found my blog, you must have an interest in leadership—which is good, because ultimately it is your job to figure out how to lead these young people. Your long-term success and the continuation of the big bucks, as you say, depends on it.
At the risk of offending you, may I point out that you sound like every boomer and Gen Xer who complains about millennials and Gen Zers? To be fair, you sound like every member of every generation who has reached middle age and complains about “kids nowadays.” You probably have trouble getting your head around their music, their fashions, and the way they use social media. And I can just hear you rant on the topic of gender politics. But that’s okay. It is only human.
Let’s take a look at your industry. Like high finance, medicine, and the law, many people were attracted to your kind of work back in the day because of the promise of status, money, and material success. Most of the millennials I know today are attracted to professions that are likely to afford them some stability and a shot at achieving or sustaining what you and I once thought of as middle class, let alone the opportunity to build generational wealth. The specter of student loans is big, dark, and chilling. That is how radically the world has changed.
The generations you now manage are also much more interested in meaningful work, personal fulfillment, and life/work balance, possibly because they witnessed their parents work like dogs and take very little pleasure in life. Just to provide some clarity about what younger people today don’t want, envision someone watching their dad devote thirty-five years to paying down the mortgage and trying to put something away for the kids’ college tuition only to see him drop dead a week after retiring. It’s a bracing cautionary experience.
These generations have also grown up with constant one-upmanship and unrealistic expectations set by the fairytale lives they see on social media. By the time they arrive on your doorstep, they’ve been under absurd amounts of pressure since middle school. If you are exasperated by their behavior, imagine what it must feel like to them to be judged and found wanting at every turn.
You say they are complaining. To whom, I wonder? About what? Did you never complain when you were in their shoes? I’ll bet you did. And I’ll bet that if your superiors heard about it, they ignored it. It is a normal thing to do, it is a way of letting off steam, and in no way does it indicate burnout. Complaining vociferously about how hard you work is a time-honored form of boasting—what the kids call “humble bragging.” If you are actually worried about burnout, watch for symptoms such as a radical reduction in productivity in someone who was once a star performer, unusual amounts of absenteeism, or an uncharacteristic lack of civility.
I appreciate your attempt to be empathetic. That is a great impulse. You are right that the voice in your head (which made me laugh btw, thanks for that) isn’t helping you. But if you think people can’t hear that voice, you are dead wrong. They hear it loud and clear, and it is eroding their trust in you. I encourage you to find another talk track for the voice. Perhaps a curious voice; one that asks “What might be motivating to this person? What are they looking for that they aren’t getting?”
Seek to understand what your people are really saying. Ask questions like:
- Can you tell me more to help me understand what is really going on right now?
- What exactly would you want to be different?
- What would work better for you if we could make changes?
- What does it mean to have a life? How is that different from what you have now?
- What is missing that would make a big difference to your quality of life at work?
- What strengths do you bring to the table that you might be underutilizing?
- What else do you want me to know?
Listen for what is real. There is a good chance you will find it much easier to empathize. It is entirely possible that, like most young people, your employees are perfectly happy to work incredibly hard as long as they have the flexibility to do the other things that are important to them. It is possible that just being asked the question and having a chance to talk out the answers will be all they need to go back out there and crush it.
One thing every person from every generation has in common is that no one wants to be judged. Chris Argyris, a Harvard professor and an influential authority on organizational behavior, said in the 90s that the secret to the success of the big five consulting firms—including yours, presumably—was that they identified and hired “insecure overachievers.” (I can’t find the exact quote, so it might be an apocryphal anecdote I heard from someone who worked at Boston Consulting Group.) You’ll know if that was true when you were a newbie, and if it is still true now. The reason it matters is that there is a fine line between harnessing anxiety and fear of failure to drive successful behaviors and letting it reduce you to a quivering mess. If it is still true, your job is to help your people walk that fine line to ensure their own success and, therefore, your own.
Your job as a leader is to influence your people; to help them connect to the meaning of what they are engaged in and what matters most to them. If they are in it for the money, that is an easy motivator. But many of your people may be driven by other things. Find out what they are and have conversations in which you brainstorm how to connect the work with what drives them. Listening without blame or judgment will send the signal that you care. Wait till you see how people perform when they think their manager actually cares about them. You may see a radical turnaround. Ask yourself the question “What do these kids bring that we didn’t have, and how can we leverage that?”
If you resent that nobody ever cared about you, and you had to soldier through with horrible bosses, well, okay, I am very sorry about that. But isn’t that all the more reason not to inflict those experiences on anyone else?
So suck it up, Exasperated. Cut out the judgment, get curious, and see what there is to learn in all of this. There is a good chance you could become an expert at this approach and even influence others in your company. Wouldn’t that be something?
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am a regional president for a global financial services company. About five years ago, I hired a whiz kid to inject some creativity and innovation into our use of technology and how we approach our regional customer acquisition. He is technically a genius in terms of IQ, and he excels at grasping key ideas and creating plans to execute them. When he started, he was also very good at creating relationships and influencing people to try new things with a minimum of drama. He quickly rose to be invited to join the leadership team. The projects he has spearheaded have significantly improved our business (which has historically trailed behind other, larger regions), and some of his ideas have been selected to be applied globally. I truly give him full credit for all of the success, and he has been well compensated for his efforts.
However.
I heard through the grapevine that at the last big leadership team meeting, Whiz Kid behaved very badly. (This was the meeting where the business unit leaders were tasked with aligning their goals with the strategy designed by the executive team, which includes other regional presidents.) He was heard by multiple people saying that he is the only strategic person in the entire global organization, including our CEO (who is world famous). He was negative about our strategic initiatives.
In our last one-on-one, WK told me he was insulted that he hasn’t been invited to join the executive team and he thinks he should be paid twice what he is making. In addition, he has abdicated from execution efforts on many of his recent projects, claiming that they aren’t a good use of his time.
I can’t help but feel that I have created a monster. How do I reel WK back in and get him to see that, as valuable as he is, he still has a lot to learn about leading others?
Created a Monster
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Dear Created a Monster,
This is a classic. It is easy for a young person who comes into an organization and adds a ton of value to miss the memo that they don’t know what they don’t know—yet. When someone is a genius and can do things no one else can do, what incentive do they have to slow down and assess the value of rounding out their edges and making an effort to acquire skills they don’t have?
It sounds like you might have strong opinions about what good leadership looks like, as do I. But I also know those opinions are based on our experiences, and Whiz Kid hasn’t had those experiences. You and I may believe he has a lot to learn (and he probably does), but he is only going to learn those things by hitting the ceiling that stops his success—unless what he knows and does well is so valuable that nothing stops him. There are plenty of examples of that in the news.
Look. You can absolutely have a conversation with Whiz Kid where you share your thoughts about leadership skills and what it means to be a good organizational citizen. He may or may not get it. He may or may not care. You don’t have much control over that. So you must be prepared to give him what he wants, reach some kind of compromise, or risk losing him to another opportunity.
Possibly you can find a way to create some kind of consulting contract so he can work part-time with your group and find other opportunities with other businesses to do the things he does best. Many geniuses who can’t or won’t play nice in the sandbox with others end up being lone wolf consultants.
This means you will have a decision to make. Hopefully, you can find a creative way to leverage his genius without giving him free reign to wreak havoc with your people.
By all means, do try to share your wisdom on topics such as paying dues, humility, and what makes a person successful in the long term. You may be able to “reel him in,” as you say. I suspect, however, that it won’t work. In my experience, the only thing that catalyzes people to change is when the pain or cost of not changing is greater than the pain or cost of changing.
You didn’t create the monster; the monster was always there. All you can do is try to engineer things so that you can continue to leverage the best from him—and, for as long as you can, mitigate the damage he might do until he jumps ship to test his wits elsewhere. He will find his limits eventually. Everyone does.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I’m a tech founder and have developed a tool called “burnout tracker,” which is embedded into our 1:1 tool. Without going into too much detail, the tracker is able to predict when a support conversation between manager and employee is needed.
Here’s my challenge: What is common sense to me seems to be a foreign language to many of the managers using our tool; for example, that during a support conversation, the leader listens to the direct report and provides help where they can.
Yes, the phrase “support conversation” is a bit vague. But to me, that’s where the gold is. By simply asking “How can I best support you at the moment?” the leader can get the team member to provide insights into what they need. Unfortunately, this isn’t happening.
I think the managers feel ill-equipped to have support conversations. It feels strange to them—they mistakenly believe they need to play the role of therapist.
So, if the employee says they are burned out, what should the manager do next? My natural response would be to first ask the employee more questions. Sort their answers into two buckets: (1) things I can help with; and (2) things I can’t. Then help with the things I can, empathize with the things I can’t, and find resources that may be able to assist.
Is there a framework or model I can share that would help managers feel more confident going into a support conversation?
With gratitude,
Burnout Support
P.S. Thank you for your blog. As I’ve mentioned in the past, I’m a huge fan of your work and am a better leader because of you and your insights.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Burnout Support,
First, thanks for your kind words. They mean the world to me!
Now, to your question. I love the idea of a burnout tracker. If only we humans had a handy gauge on our forearm—like a gas gauge—that could alert us to an empty tank while we still have time to do something about it.
This is a big can of worms, partially because you are right—managers are terrified of conversations about the complexities of being people. It is sad that smart people think they need an advanced degree and a credential to do that. When I taught coaching skills to managers and leaders, I heard the question “Wait, are you telling us we need to be therapists?” a million times.
So the first order of business is to train all of your managers in simply being a human being who can have conversations with other human beings about being a human being. To be fair, this is a big ask in the tech industry, since many who end up working in it would much prefer to not have to interact with humans. Am I biased? Maybe. But this is what being a manager means, so it would be good if managers understand that from the get-go. I know you can’t go back in time, but it’s never too late.
The average manager doesn’t receive manager training until they have been managing for ten years. So you are not alone. Here is a white paper—Core Skills Every Manager Should Master—that outlines the core skills every manager needs as well as the elements that help, or prevent, the building of trust.
Trying to track burnout is also a can of worms because, in my opinion, once symptoms of burnout appear, things are already so far gone that it’s hard to turn them around. It’s best to catch the problem early before it causes real trouble.
Christina Maslach, coauthor of the book The Burnout Challenge: Managing People’s Relationship with Their Jobs, says helping people cope with stressors is a good step. But it is far preferable to address the origin of the stressors that cause burnout in the first place. You might check out how she recommends your managers do that.
Finally, I propose that individuals who are feeling chronically overwhelmed, cynical, and hostile about the organization, and also losing faith in their own effectiveness, are probably not going to be willing to make themselves vulnerable to their manager. The manager can ask questions all day long, but if they are hoping their people will spill the beans about what is really going on, that will only happen if the relationship was properly set up at the beginning.
You have to remember that many employees, no matter where they were raised, internalize the story that work is a contact sport. It is a Darwinian fight to the death out there, and only the strong will survive. The age of managers being the agent of a harsh organization is not that far behind us. People need to have evidence that their managers see them, hear them, and have their backs. Managers need to nip the “Hunger Games” story in the bud by seeking to understand their employees’ strengths, development areas, and dreams. They need to do their utmost to tailor the job to the best of each employee and monitor each person carefully to make sure that the job is actually doable for each person.
So, the question “What do you need?” should be asked at every 1:1 meeting. Having a manager ask questions and identify how they can help is best done weekly. Address the small obstacles and blockers early and often, and escalate the large organizational ones before they get out of hand.
Burnout is just a modern word for the despair experienced by humans who are stuck doing jobs that can’t be done. The condition is universal and ancient. The best way to avoid it is to build support into the manager/employee relationship early, and weave in support every step of the way. That way, when people need it the most, they will be much more likely to avail themselves of it.
Your instincts are right on. It is inspiring to know that at least one tech founder out there cares enough to create a tool and ask the question. Keep going!!!
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I work in fashion manufacturing. I was promoted about six months ago. I manage the supply chain, timelines for delivery of goods, etc. I have a huge team and work all hours because I am in western Europe and my teams are in China, Mexico, and Vietnam.
When I took the job, things were a bit of a mess, and I am very pleased to have turned things around. I instituted new software and updated processes. We have worked through the kinks and things are humming along nicely.
My boss seems pleased with my work but told me the executive team is seeking more innovation in my area.
I have asked for more detail because I am stumped. I thought the place for innovation was in the design of the product, not in the execution required to get it to market. Taking the job felt like a big risk for me, and I am more confident now that I have had success. But my sense is that innovating requires taking risks—and there is no tolerance for errors that might impede our ability to deliver on orders.
I have zero confidence in my ability to innovate in this job. My boss is not offering any insight into what “more innovation” might mean for my group. Maybe I am asking the wrong questions.
Any ideas?
Zero Ideas
_________________________________________________________
Dear Zero Ideas,
You might be suffering from a language dilemma—because the crazy thing, ZI, is that it sounds like what you just did was innovate, and in a big way. You see yourself as someone who spots what isn’t working and does what needs to be done to make it work. A problem solver, perhaps. It probably didn’t occur to you that everything you did to fix the mess (trying new ways and working through the kinks) was, technically, innovating.
I would submit that the executive team sees you as an innovator because of what you just accomplished, and they are asking for more. So just for a moment, at least for the time you spend reading this, can you accept that you are already an innovator? It is a shift in your mindset that may require suspension of disbelief, but may be worth trying on.
Britney Cole, our vice president of innovation, has a lot of wisdom on this topic (you can read her most recent article here). She says the first step to innovation is to define it. Her definition: “Innovation is the discipline of applying ideas that solve problems in new ways to create value.”
Can’t you see yourself in that definition?
Another of Britney’s insights is that to be successful, innovation efforts need to have two specific things in place:
- A person who is dedicated to continual improvement (you).
- An innovation-friendly company culture.
As you seek to develop yourself as an innovator, you can rely on your natural talent for identifying problems and finding the best solutions. You can build on that talent by asking yourself these questions:
- What is working brilliantly (that might be applied elsewhere)?
- What pain points still exist in our business (that could stand improvement)?
- What new ideas have surfaced that might benefit from further inquiry (that perhaps we have discounted in the interest of efficiency)?
I suspect ideas will begin to pop immediately. For more guidance on what to keep in mind as you go, here is another article from Britney.
An additional suggestion, which I learned directly from Britney, is to apply the design thinking “How might we” approach to solving problems or making improvements. (Please forgive my total ignorance of your business, but I am going to make up a few examples based on your letter):
- Now that things are working well, how might we leverage technology to make them even more efficient?
- How might we minimize confusion caused by working across multiple time zones?
- How might we scale so that our business can grow more quickly?
It’s possible your organization may not be that friendly to innovation, so you may have to be a trailblazer to shift your culture. This might even be what the executive team is asking for. When senior leaders in companies want more innovation but have no idea how their culture actually discourages it, they tend to identify individual innovators and hope that they can help. It is a classic example of how lack of clarity at the top of an organization can show up; it is a bit of an “I’ll know it when I see it” attitude that is, frankly, irresponsible—especially since a culture of fear already exists that you will need to work against.
Here is an e-book about The Factors That Encourage and That Discourage Innovation in Organizations. This may help you identify the potential obstacles you could face from a systems standpoint as you seek to experiment.
It is totally fair that you require more detail, and you are probably right that asking more questions may help you get what you need. Your instinct to ask questions is right on the money. The key is to keep asking until you get the insight you need.
Here are some ideas. If none of these is quite right, I hope at least they will spark others that feel more useful.
- What will the executive team see or have if I innovate more?
- What results would make a difference to the organization?
- What is making the executive team most nervous about our business/ the marketplace/ the economy?
- What problems does the executive team see that innovation would solve?
- What is most important to the executive team, and is maybe not being addressed?
- Are there things our competitors are doing that we need to be doing?
And finally:
- If we rely on the above definition of innovation, how might our business add or create new value that would excite the executive team?
Your first step, ZI, is to shift your self-concept. That alone will increase your confidence. Continue to do the things you are good at: spotting problems and solving them. Keep asking questions. Go slow. Build plans and get feedback. Get buy-in every step of the way.
I suspect you will surprise yourself.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am an HR generalist working at a REIT (Real Estate Investment Trust). Our CEO started the company about eight years ago, and I have been his right hand since the beginning. He is a genius in many ways—high IQ, a deep intuitive understanding of the real estate markets, a complete whiz with spreadsheets and how money works. He has a dazzling intellect and charismatic personality.
When I first started working with my CEO, I thought he had a flair for hiring. He spots talent and goes to a lot of trouble to pursue people and persuade them to come and work with us. He now has an executive team that he has hand-picked over time, and he depends on them.
The problem is that he falls in love with these people and can’t see any of their flaws. He refuses to hear anything negative about anyone he’s hired (although he can be ruthless with everyone else).
We have a chief financial officer who started out amazing, but is now wildly inconsistent. She comes in looking like a million bucks, prepared, and brilliant one day, and disheveled and semi-coherent the next. I suspect a serious substance abuse problem or possibly a mental health issue. Our industry is highly regulated and having our books in order is critical. I believe our CFO’s erratic behavior is going to cause some real headaches in the future.
Our chief revenue officer clearly has something shady going on. He disappears for days at a time and his direct reports must either wait for him to show up to make pricing decisions or make decisions on their own. They are often frustrated because they are held accountable for closing deals, and, in many cases, they can’t move forward without him. This is now impacting our numbers—and when troubleshooting conversations happen, the fact that our CRO is AWOL most of the time never seems to come up. His direct reports come to me to ask if I know where he is, and I never do. I swear he has another full-time job.
Our head of IT has multiple personalities. He is amazing at what he does, but all of his people are terrified of him. I am also afraid of him. You never know who you are going to get—sometimes he is perfectly normal and other times he is downright mean. It is only a matter of time before someone files a hostile work environment claim.
There’s more, but you get the idea.
I have tried to raise these issues with the CEO. I have shared my observations in writing and set meetings with him to brainstorm how to approach these problems. He is now skipping our regular one-on-one people review meetings, not opening my emails, and essentially ignoring me.
I truly care about my boss. We built this company together and he has always trusted my input. I know he doesn’t want to hear what I am saying, but I am afraid at this point that he actually may be risking everything he has worked so hard to build.
How can I get through to him? I feel like a train is coming at us and he refuses to get off the tracks.
My warnings are falling on—
Deaf Ears
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Dear Deaf Ears,
Well, this sure sounds frustrating. The Curse of Cassandra, familiar to anyone who is paying attention, describes the frustration experienced by someone seeing disaster ahead and not being able to influence those who need to heed the warning to listen.
I think many are also familiar with the personality profile of your CEO. I have worked with many executives like this.
At the risk of offending you, I am hearing that you have a fantasy that you should simply be able to walk into your CEO’s office and dump all these problems on his desk for him to deal with. Part of what is happening is that he doesn’t want to see what is in front of his nose because he already has too much going on. I suspect he also doesn’t want to face the unpleasantness of having to hold people accountable—especially if he is still operating under his initial impression of them, which no doubt didn’t include the reality that everyone, no matter how great, has flaws and frailties.
You have been with your guy from the beginning, and yet you call yourself an HR generalist. I wonder why you aren’t CHRO? Are you not a member of the executive team? If you’ve been there since the beginning, do you not have equity in the business? If not, why not? You didn’t ask me about this, but it might be part of the problem. If you haven’t earned the CEO’s respect after all the work you have done together, it might explain why he is ghosting you at this point.
I’m really not trying to make you feel bad, just trying to get to what is really going on here. If what I’m saying resonates with you, and you can spot the pattern of letting your CEO overlook your contribution, it may be time to cut your losses and find a new environment where your experience and smarts are appreciated and properly rewarded.
If I am way off on this, please forgive me, and let’s try another angle.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a senior executive say “Don’t bring me problems without some ideas for solutions.” I would be able to pay for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean. This leads me to suggest that you send your boss an email with the subject line: Some Problems I See and What I Think We Should Do About Them. Volunteer to do most of what you think needs to be done; e.g., the hard conversations that go something like “This is what I am seeing; what is going on here?” And if he doesn’t respond to that, it may be time to decide that someone must be an adult—and tackle the bad behavior yourself.
The question is: how much power do you have? If key employees are having problems, especially problems that are going to impact the organization, aren’t they in your wheelhouse? Are you not taking responsibility for what is going on because these people don’t technically report to you?
- If the CFO is acting strange, what is getting in the way of your sitting down with her and pointing out what you see and how it concerns you? Wouldn’t you say something if you smelled alcohol on an employee?
- If the CRO is AWOL and his people are coming to you, what keeps you from calling him and saying, “Where on earth are you and what the heck is going on?”
- If your CIO is awful, especially to you, where are your boundaries? As the head of HR and the employee with the longest tenure, it seems perfectly reasonable to me that you would say “You are acting kind of scary, and I request that you cut it out—and, for that matter, that you do not behave this way with anyone else in the company.”
Are you afraid these people will all go running to the CEO to have him provide cover? If that’s the case, it is time for you to leave him at the mercy of the train.
It sounds like you have given up all of your power. This has probably happened slowly over time. You have had your common sense and authority overridden for so long, you have gotten used it.
Oh. Oops. We’re back here again.
This is not the answer you wanted. I’m sorry. But somehow you have lost your power to influence your CEO. Either you have lost his respect (and because he is obviously loathe to confront anyone, he has not shared that with you), or perhaps he is waiting to see what you will do. Maybe he thinks it is your job to confront these people.
If your CEO won’t give you the time of day, you have to confront that. If you make yourself impossible to avoid, you will probably get a straight answer. Then at least you’ll know.
You have some big decisions to make. They aren’t fun or easy ones. But at least you are smart enough to get off the train tracks yourself. So, if all of your efforts fail, please do that.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am a senior manager and have managed people for decades. I am a student of leadership and work every day to be a better leader. Here is something I am having trouble putting into words, but I hope you have some inspiration for me.
I make a big effort to help my people develop their skills so they can achieve their career goals. I put a lot of time in, most of it listening and offering guidance. Many of my team members have gone on to great things, both in my own company and elsewhere. But just as many, if not more, have not. It is frustrating to see so much potential wasted. Everyone has their reasons for not taking advantage of the opportunities in front of them. Sometimes I know what the reasons are, sometimes I don’t.
It didn’t dawn on me until recently, as I watched a brilliant and gifted young person self-sabotage despite my best efforts, that I am tired of being disappointed. It is making me second guess the value of the investments I make in people. I wonder if I should bother.
Appreciate any thoughts you have.
Disappointed
_______________________________________________________
Dear Disappointed,
Well, you did a good enough job of putting your thoughts into words to make my heart ache. I have heard this kind of vague sadness from others, and have felt it myself, but I think you hit the nail on the head. This is one of the reasons managing people is hard. And the more you care, the harder it is.
Disappointment literally makes our brains hurt. The research reveals that disappointment produces a significant chemical response in the brain that makes us feel terrible. The brain stops releasing dopamine and serotonin suddenly and the result feels intense. The higher the expectation—and thus the extent of the disappointment—the more dramatic the yuck. You are not imagining it.
It kind of makes you want to tell people when they first start working with you, “Look kid, I am going to give you all I’ve got, so don’t disappoint me, okay?” But you won’t. And you shouldn’t, because it wouldn’t work. Why? Because it is your own expectations that are setting you up for the letdown.
There is no blame or shame in having expectations, but if they continue to cause you so much pain, you might think about finding ways to temper them. Some ways to temper your expectations:
- Gain clarity. Spell out for yourself what your expectations are. Perhaps have conversations with your people in which you find out what their own expectations of themselves are. There may be gaps in both your and their expectations that will help you to modify your outlook.
- Ponder a distinction. There is a difference between having a big hopeful vision for someone else and expecting something of them. Sharing a big hopeful vision—what you see as possible for someone—can be a huge gift. It can shift how someone sees themselves in a transformational way. But it is simply a gift, given with no expectation or pressure. If someone requires pressure to achieve what is possible for them, that needs to come from within.
- Work on your attachment. It might help you to reframe your call to go the extra mile for your people as a mitzvah. Mitzvah is a Hebrew word that means “good deed” or acts of empathy and kindness. Right now it seems you are expecting something in return for your generosity—which, don’t get me wrong, is totally normal. It just isn’t making you happy. Take something Nelson Mandela said as a guide: “There is no greater gift than that of giving one’s time and energy to others without expecting anything in return.”
- Remember that everyone has choice. Ultimately, no matter how valuable the gift of your time and attention, every person on whom you bestow your gift is going to choose what they do with it. In the end, it is completely out of your hands and out of your control. You are letting yourself get really upset about things that are entirely uncontrollable. You, too, have a choice.
Your conundrum reminds of a wonderful poem, “On Children,” from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet. I know you are not a parent, but many see the parallels between managing and parenting. I hope this excerpt might resonate for you:
“You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
This may provide the perspective you need to sustain your kindness. Your other option is for you to just give up and decide to not bother anymore. That would be cynical and it sounds like you are no cynic.
So take pleasure in the wins, but remember they are really other people’s wins. You may mourn the losses as well, briefly, but remember that they also belong to others.
Love, Madeleine
PS: I will take this opportunity to encourage anyone who reads this and is reminded of a manager who made a big difference in their life to reach out and say thanks. Just a brief note on LinkedIn would do the trick—or, of course, a handwritten note is always welcome if you have the address. I know—so retro.
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I manage a small team in a big company. Here is my problem. I start my day at 7 a.m. with a meeting, and then my entire day is back-to-back meetings. Almost every meeting generates work for me to do or to delegate to someone on my team—which requires another meeting.
When am I supposed to get all my work done? After ten hours of meetings, I feel like that’s when my real workday starts. But by then, I’m fried.
Thoughts?
Meeting-ed Out
__________________________________________________________________
Dear Meeting-ed Out,
This is a perennial problem for almost everyone. Unfortunately, substantially changing anything will probably require a shift in company culture. There has been so much written on this topic. You might think about collecting the facts and presenting them to HR to see if you can garner support for changing the collective habits in your company. If you are suffering, everyone else probably is, too.
But hey, trying to shift culture will result in—more meetings. Just what you don’t want or need. So what could you do short of that?
Some of what is required in your situation is a shift in mindset. Right now you are accepting any and all meetings. You might need to harness your courage and take control of your time. No one can do that for you. Here are some ideas that might work for you:
- Review your meetings and take a hard look at which ones are yours or your team’s. Those are the ones you have the most control over. Challenge yourself to see if any of them can be consolidated, shortened, or moved to bi-weekly.
- At the very least, you and your team could agree to implement “no-meeting Fridays.” We have implemented this in our organization, and it has made all the difference.
- Another thing you can do with your team is to make all meetings 30 minutes. It’s very easy to fill time, but there’s no law that says meetings need to last an hour.
- Patrick Lencioni wrote a great book called Death by Meeting. In it, he says there are four kinds of meetings: Daily check-in meetings, which should last 10 minutes max. Weekly tactical meetings: 45 to 90 minutes, max. Monthly strategic meetings: 2 to 4 hours. Quarterly off-site reviews: 1 to 2 days.
I’m not saying these rules are the only ones to follow, but at least Lencioni provides a framework that can show how some meetings are not necessary or could be better run.
- Look hard at all the meetings you are in. Do you really need to be in all of them? Can you send someone else on your team? If you are delegating, is it possible that the person you are delegating to should be in the meeting instead of you? If so, make sure they send you the bullet points about any decisions made in the meeting or actions to be taken as a result of the meeting. If you’re worried about perception of others, or being judged, share your reasons. You might start a trend.
- Request that any meeting you are invited to have an agenda sent out in advance. If there’s nothing on the agenda that requires your input, decline—and request that you be sent a transcript of the meeting.
- Block off focused work time on your calendar, and don’t accept meetings that are scheduled over that time period. You don’t have to explain to anyone (except your boss or their boss) why you aren’t available. If people really need you in a meeting, they will find a time that works for you. (Note: This may require some re-training of people who have become used to your being available all the time.)
- Finally, challenge yourself to use technology. Zoom now has a feature that can transcribe meetings. Almost all companies have technology you can use to have a quick chat, delegate tasks, etc. Not everything has to be a meeting.
This situation probably crept up on you over time. And it will take some time to unwind it. Be bold, be fierce, and be relentless, so you can get your brain and your life back.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
My boss is just awful. He is the son of a friend of the owner, and the owner has no idea how he treats people. Although he comes from a company in our industry, where he was the operations manager, he really doesn’t understand how different things are here.
I love my job. I have been doing it for over twenty years, and I am acknowledged by everyone in the company (except my boss) as knowledgeable and masterful. I have also won several awards from peers in my industry. I speak at conferences, am regularly asked to contribute to panels, and many people have sought me out as a mentor.
And yet my boss treats me like an idiot—and regularly calls me one. He frequently questions my decisions, even though he has no idea what he is talking about. It wouldn’t matter as much if his antics didn’t waste enormous amounts of my time.
Some of my work does require me to make educated guesses—we are in the fashion industry—so trend intel is helpful but really only gets us so far. So I have to rely on my intuition and experience. More often than not, I nail it, which is why I have my job. Very occasionally, I miss the mark.
When that happens, my boss quite literally crows about it to everyone, boasting that he knew it all along. (I am sure he would say “I told you so,” except that he has never accurately predicted failure.) He seems hell-bent on trying to ruin my reputation—and I believe he would succeed, if everyone in town didn’t know me well and also see him as a complete loser.
I have read many books on dealing with difficult people, managing conflict, and having difficult conversations. Essentially, I have tried everything to no effect. In fact, the harder I try, the worse he seems to get.
I fantasize about something bad happening to him, which is not at all like me. I have put a great deal of study and effort into evolving myself to be a spiritual person but this whole situation is testing me beyond my limits. I have to control myself not to obsess about him and not to spend every social interaction complaining to my friends.
This experience makes me feel hateful. It is casting a shadow on my entire life now. I am hoping you have some ideas for me.
Feeling Hateful
__________________________________________________________________
Dear Feeling Hateful,
I do have some ideas. But first let me share that you’re not alone: Here is a recent article reporting that a little over one-third of people say they work with a toxic boss. Respondents describe feeling dread about going to work, increased anxiety, recurrent nightmares, and the need to seek therapy as outcomes of having a toxic boss.
I can’t imagine how the knowledge that so many are suffering along with you will make you feel better, except to prove you are in good company. The term soul-crushing is no exaggeration, because, as you describe, feeling so disrespected can make a person feel that they are changing at their very core.
This is a classic situation where you have three choices.
- Change yourself.
- Change the situation.
- Remove yourself from the situation.
So. You might as well take this opportunity to change yourself, no matter what else you choose to do. Since you have already done your homework about how to shift your communication style, the next step is to work on increasing your self-regulation. If there was ever a time to rise above and be the grownup, it is now.
You could practice distancing—a technique to reduce the emotional impact of events that generate outsized overwhelming feelings. To distance, relate the story of the latest outrage as if it happened to someone else. It might sound like this: “My friend Lucy has the worst boss; wait till you hear what he did. First, he called her at 11 PM, and then yelled at her the next day for not picking up. You know Lucy—she goes to bed at 10 and always puts her phone on silent. Then he dressed her down in front of her entire team. He literally called her a ‘moron’ and a ‘slacker,’ if you can believe it. Lucy! The hardest worker we know!” I know this sounds a little weird, but try it and see if it helps.
Another possibility is to look to your spiritual training and practice mindfulness, which means to observe your own thoughts and feelings with curiosity and without judgment. I might submit that some of your discomfort comes from your adding to the negative experience by piling on judgment of yourself about how defensive and irate it makes you feel. Instead of judging yourself for every hostile thought you have, just notice that you have a hostile thought. And let it just be. Let it not mean anything about you.
The hallmark of any sound spiritual practice is to treat every interaction with someone who makes you enraged as if the person is a spiritual teacher. You might ask yourself: What is there for me to learn here? How might this support my evolution as a spiritual person? I am laughing as I type this, because I know myself how devilishly difficult it is. When I try to do it, I mostly fail. But that doesn’t make it any less worthwhile. I mean, let’s face it, it’s easy to be our best selves when everything is going well. You know that’s true—and if you hate me right now, I can’t blame you.
Once you are feeling a little more self-control, here are a couple of other ideas.
Would it be too obvious to escalate the meanness and the demoralizing effect on you and your team to the owner? They obviously know your track record and must rely on the value you provide. Nobody wants to be accused of going over the boss’s head and being a tattle tale, but in this case, don’t you think the owner would want to know? You don’t mention anything about them, so maybe you already know they can’t be bothered—or they have made it clear that they would take his side no matter what. But it wouldn’t do at all if you finally decided to jump ship and the owner was surprised.
If bringing it to the owner’s attention is not an option, you might anonymously leave articles such as Leaders: This Is the Impact Trustworthiness Has on Your Success or The Five Biggest Red Flags of a Toxic Culture on your boss’s desk. There is no shortage of research on how terrible bosses are bad for the bottom line. You might just leave a new one every week or so, and see if it makes a dent. You never know when the penny might drop for your boss. If he is just a regular numb nut, he could come around. But if he is a power-hungry narcissist who is trying to make you quit so he can hire his girlfriend, you probably have no chance.
This leads us to your final option. You didn’t say you were thinking of quitting, but that is always an option. Some might encourage you to behave so badly that he has cause to fire you, but I think that is beneath you and so disingenuous as to be unsuited to who you strive to be. Not to mention the potential damage to your reputation, which will be important as you seek to create a new opportunity.
So there you have it, my friend. You either learn to let the nonsense roll off your back and play the long game while trying to influence subtly; try to get the owner’s support; or, if it seems like you have no other choice, be prepared to walk away and create the next chapter of your career.
I am awfully sorry for how upset you are. The problem with committing to your own spiritual growth is that tests are part of the program—although I’ll grant you that this one is a doozy. This one feels like a Master Class. But I suspect you are up to it.
Remember who you are.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I just read one of your past columns entitled Latest Team Member Causing Chaos? I recognized the person as what I call HOF—“Hair On Fire”—and we have someone like that at our company. I have been working here for 35 years. I now work directly with HOF herself, and I’ve begun looking for a new job. Your post resonated with me so much. I was stressed out last year and now again. She even pushed me into the hospital once.
I’m a scheduler, and HOF basically makes schedule changes for her benefit. Whatever suits her. Everything you mentioned is exactly how she behaves. I’m trying to think of anything I can do other than just saying “sure, no problem.” I just give her whatever she wants. That’s what everyone on the team does so they don’t have to deal with her ridiculousness. When HOF is away, things are quiet, organized, and well run, so we all know who the instigator is. The whole team agrees she is a psycho.
I really need some advice! HOF is making me crazy.
Firefighter
________________________________________________________
Dear Firefighter,
I’m sorry the stress caused by this person is making you ill. You aren’t the first to have to contend with an HOF (what I call a “crazymaker”), and you won’t be the last.
Julia Cameron, in her wonderful book The Artist’s Way, coined the term crazymaker. She defined the characteristics beautifully in one of her own blogs here.
I once ran a high performing team that was almost destroyed by a crazymaker. When I checked in with her leader, I found out she was wreaking havoc everywhere in the company. So I was lucky—she was let go, and we were all able to get on with our work.
I see two potential focus areas for you:
- Find a way to let HOF’s behavior roll off your back and learn how to manage your own stress more effectively.
- Find a way to band together your whole team to revolt and stop HOF from getting away with acting like a psycho.
Learning how to manage stress is a lifelong pursuit. It will probably serve you well regardless of what happens with HOF. I am not an expert on the topic, but there are countless resources available to you. Just ask Google.
The usual stress-reduction advice includes breathing techniques that stop the flow of adrenaline and activate the parasympathetic nervous system (this works—I know). Other typical suggestions are: getting exercise (especially outdoors if possible); hanging out with pets;, meditation; a mindfulness practice; prayer; getting proper sleep; working with a therapist; and, as a last resort, medication. Pick one or two to try, adopt the one that feels like it helps and, well, do it. If anything will help you avoid another trip to the hospital, it is worth committing to.
Also, as it happens, stress reduction methods include developing the ability to set appropriate boundaries with people and say no to inappropriate requests. It sounds like you and everyone else on your team of schedulers could use some help with that—unless, of course, you have somehow received a message from above that HOF must be accommodated at all costs. For more detail on setting boundaries, you can find a post on that here.
Sometimes a crazymaker is so successful at bringing in business, closing deals, retaining high-paying clients, and getting referrals, it’s clear that everyone should do everything they can to accommodate the person. This is often a tremendous source of frustration for those who support rock stars. However, I will also note that such stars often run out of goodwill and end up being only as good as their last deal. They have no friends to get them through the dry spells, and it rarely ends well.
Which brings us to your second avenue for action. My questions are:
- Where is your boss in all of this? Is anyone in management aware of the problem, and do they have the power, influence, or skills to escalate it to someone who can do something about it?
- How does HOF have so much power over a whole group? Is it real power or simply perceived?
- Is there a chance the whole team of schedulers might collectively refuse to work with HOF if she doesn’t comply with the norms everyone else seems to be able to live with?
- HOF is either aware and doesn’t care, or simply unaware. Can you tell which it is? If it turns out she is unaware, is it possible she might change her behavior if someone were to make her aware?
If, in your assessment, HOF is aware and doesn’t care, but adds so much value to the organization that no one is willing to call her on her misbehavior, finding a new job is probably your best bet.
Here is the thing. It is ultimately up to you to set appropriate boundaries. If you can convince your teammates to do the same thing, it might just work. Of course, I don’t know the details of your work, but it could sound something like this:
- “Your request to move those four appointments is going to cause chaos in the schedule. I understand you need to ask us to do it in this instance, but please try to avoid these kinds of shifts in the future.”
- “This request is not appropriate. It will cause a domino effect we can’t control. You will need to get my supervisor’s permission for that.”
- “We booked those appointments because your calendar was open. In the future, please keep in mind that if your calendar isn’t up to date, we won’t feel confident booking you and your bookings will decline.”
If you get better at setting boundaries, HOF’s next move will be to find someone else on the team who isn’t as good, and she will abuse that person until they quit or get sick. Or, ideally, they’ll follow your example and push back with kindness and respect.
Remember, the only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the people who benefit from your not having them.
One universal law to be aware of: if you don’t build your own skill for setting boundaries in your current situation, you will undoubtedly run into a different version of this problem in your next job.
So in the spirit of “nothing left to lose,” I suggest you try to:
- Learn and commit to at least one stress-reduction technique.
- Get help from above.
- Agree as a team to just say no to the crazy.
- Practice respectfully setting reasonable boundaries.
Crazymakers get away with their shenanigans because people let them. You can always hope and pray that they change (they won’t) or that you’ll never run into another one again (you will). Your life will be vastly improved if you learn to stand up for yourself.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I work for a large publishing company. I started here because my dream is to someday be a published author, so I thought I would at least be in the industry.
I have been here for four years. I started in marketing and am now an editorial assistant, which sounds a lot loftier than it is. I get a lot of coffee, manage schedules, and, very occasionally, read submissions.
Anytime I am asked to do anything remotely editorial, I end up doing it on my own time, because my boss—who is very erratic and disorganized—is constantly throwing tasks my way. I also get tasks from other editors who apparently don’t trust their own EA to do them correctly. My free time is when I work on my novel.
My boss recently asked me if I would be interested in managing all the editorial assistants. It sounds like I would still have my job as her editorial assistant, but would also oversee the nitty-gritty for all the others (there are six of us). Basically, none of the senior editors want to do the paperwork involved with annual reviews, vacation requests, or dealing with poor performance.
My boss is positioning this as a promotion. There would be a bump in pay, which would be welcome since the pay is barely adequate as it is (some EA’s work remote, but I am in NYC and the cost of living is absurd). However, the job would entail a lot of responsibility, which would make it almost impossible for me to do the work I want to be doing. Plus, all these people are my friends, and I would be taking the side of their boss in holding them accountable and giving them feedback.
I already know who the slackers are—the ones who duck work and slide by doing the bare minimum. What I really want is a promotion to full-time editor. I have never wanted to manage people; I can barely manage myself. I want more money, but this feels like I’m making a deal with the devil. Also, if I don’t take it, one of my peers will and then I would potentially report to someone I know way too well and don’t respect.
I am in such a muddle. I don’t want to sell out my dream. Can you help me with this?
Deal with the Devil?
___________________________________________________________
Dear Deal with the Devil,
Yes. I can.
I can tell you that you already know the answer. There is no muddle here. You see the whole landscape very clearly. The editors are trying to delegate work that is at best tedious, at worst emotionally draining.
Trying to manage your peers will be the exact nightmare you anticipate. You will be able to manage the poor shmo who eventually bites this fishhook. Just don’t let your lack of respect show.
If you need time to write, you must fight to protect it. You can live without expensive treats like Starbucks, but you can’t give up on your dream. Not yet, anyway.
There are not that many truths to live by. For example, when something seems too good to be true, it is. When people tell you who they are, listen. The one to apply in your case is when you suspect you are making a deal with the devil, you are.
Write.
Love, Madeleine
PS: I am an obsessive reader, so if you need readers, I promise I will read your novel.
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am the CEO of a mid-sized business. I was the COO for many years and stepped into the CEO role six months ago. The good news is that the business is in good shape—there is a high demand for our products. The bad news is that it could be so much better.
Our former CEO was a bit technophobic and totally risk-averse, so he resisted my efforts to upgrade things when I was COO. He knew he was stepping down, so he figured I could just do what I wanted when I took the CEO job. But he left me in a bit of a fix. All of our systems are antiquated to the point that some versions of some software are no longer supported by the developers. Literally every process and system we use needs to be overhauled. Some can be consolidated with new software and some can be eliminated.
I am getting an endless stream of reports, many of which are incomplete or simply irrelevant. I worry about how much time is being wasted by the people who create them. My current leadership team is mixed—some are as frustrated as I am and expect me to fix things fast, and some don’t see any need for change and are worried about my urgency.
I have a big vision for what is possible and feel a lot of responsibility to bring us into the twenty-first century, late as it may be. As I said, the business is in good shape, but that isn’t going to last if we don’t up our game.
My question is: How much is too much? How fast is too fast? How do I go about making change without breaking things beyond repair?
Where to Start?
______________________________________________________
Dear Where to Start?
I can feel your commitment and your frustration. If I am understanding you correctly, the question actually is: How do I prepare the business to be competitive in the future and ensure its longevity without disrupting its current success?
It would almost be easier if the business were already showing signs of distress caused by the lack of modernization. But in most cases (as you well know), by the time that happens it is already too late. The problem is that people generally aren’t willing to change until the cost of not changing becomes unbearable.
I’m sure you wish you could wave a magic wand—but I’m not sure that would get you what you really want. Because the due diligence, research, coalition building, and other work you do to gain support for your vision will help you refine that vision and ensure that you get it right in the long run.
The first order of business is to articulate your big vision, craft a high-level strategy for how to achieve it, and get unequivocal support from the top. You don’t mention a board or owners, but presumably there are people who care as much about the long-term success of the organization as you do. You will need their support to do even a fraction of what you envision.
Then you will need a long-term plan. In this case, start with three years. Get input on the plan from your board, your leadership team, outside consultants who specialize in business transformation, and any other smart people who are willing to take the time. You probably have some smart individual contributors in the organization who see what you see. Get them involved.
Once you have a plan, share it with the entire organization. Once again, seek input. This is almost impossible in large organizations but there are ways to do it in smaller ones. There will be a lot of resistance—some of it short-sighted but also some that might point to flaws in the plan. Truly listen, don’t just act like you are listening.
Then go. Slowly, carefully, respond to concerns, talk to people, encourage them, and remind them what the point is.
You may very well have to replace some members of your leadership team. You cannot attempt full-on transformation without united leadership. This is tricky, because you also don’t want to surround yourself with yes-men. People who mindlessly agree with you are not the answer. You will want to encourage dissent and contrasting views and consider all viewpoints. Your leaders don’t have to agree with every change, but they do have to agree to support it once the team has decided on the best course of action. Without leaders who can inspire, role model new behaviors, patiently explain the why for any new change, empathetically talk people off the ledge when they are freaking out, and hold people accountable, nothing good will happen.
You also will want to be on the lookout for leaders who feel coerced and resentful, who say one thing to you and something else to their team. In the interest of keeping their jobs, they say yes to your face and then discredit you to others. They duck responsibility and blame the powers that be—in this case, you. They build their own coalitions of people who are loyal to them but not to the organization, which creates a hopelessly siloed organization with departments working at cross-purposes. These pockets of discontent in your organization will weaken it slowly in ways that will be hard to pinpoint. But if we agree that whatever is going on in any unit is about the leader, that is your clue.
The more work you put into planning, inviting input, re-designing the plan, and mapping out the steps to execution in a timeline, the better off you will be. Spend time talking to people and listening to them. Use a phased approach. It will take more time than you want it to, but trying to move too fast won’t get you the results you want. Be prepared for roadblocks and setbacks, and use them to learn and get better.
CEOs who manage turnarounds aren’t known for their patience or their empathy. And most get it spectacularly wrong.
Get support. Invite input. Win hearts and minds. Tell stories. Use examples. Communicate more than you think you should. Take it slow and steady, one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. Respond to new information as it comes in. Track and praise progress, take obstacles in stride. Reward persistence and grit.
Oh—and keep your sense of humor.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I work on a team where I am the only member who is remote. Pre-Covid we all worked together at the office, but during the shutdown I took advantage of my company’s remote-work option and moved back to my hometown to be closer to my parents who need help.
Many of our meetings are still on Zoom because several team members still work from home a couple of days a week. But other times, everyone is together in a room and I am the only one on Zoom. There are often several side conversations going on at once, as happens when people are together in person. I have trouble hearing everything, and the group often forgets I am there. This past week, two people left the room and had a conversation about a situation that I should have been a part of. I know it wasn’t intentional, but it still doesn’t feel good.
What can I do about this? I am worried I am going to start missing more important things and my contribution may start to seem less important as time goes on.
Feeling Left Out
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Feeling Left Out,
Well, this sounds like no fun. You are suffering a bit from a collection of natural human unconscious biases. Primacy or recency bias, in-group favoritism, and others can easily add up to an effect that might be summed up as “out of sight, out of mind”. It isn’t personal, so the first thing you can do is try to not take it personally.
There are two specific avenues for you to consider. The first is to discuss your experience with your manager and enroll them in helping you to change this dynamic. It is incumbent on your manager to arrange things so that you feel included; but of course, they may not see it that way. So you may need to make it easy for them to help you.
To do that, you need to let your manager know that you frequently feel excluded during the meetings where everyone is face to face except you. You will want to be prepared with ideas about how the manager, the team, and you can all navigate these meetings differently. Any changes will require discipline—and your manager will need to role model any behaviors that will make a difference. If it is feasible given the situation with your parents, you might also propose coming to the office for a few days every month or every six weeks. The company may be willing to pay the cost of travel or split the cost with you.
The other thought is that it wouldn’t hurt if you could engage in regular one-on-ones with everyone on the team. The thing that happens when people are together in person is a natural water cooler-type informal connection. All the human stuff: “How are you doing? How are the kids? Is the puppy house-trained yet? Did you complete the marathon? Hey, is that a new car I saw you getting out of?” You know—just the small talk that results in people bonding. Even a 15-minute coffee break with each of your team members on a regular basis would make a difference. This practice helped virtual teams get through Covid and was naturally dropped when people felt the one-on-ones were no longer needed. But you do still need that connection, so you will need to be proactive to nurture your relationships in this “new normal” time.
You might consider asking someone on your team to be your in-room partner, who can take responsibility for actively including you in the meeting. Having an active advocate for you will always help. If that isn’t feasible, you will have to do it yourself. Don’t be shy about reminding people that you are still in the meeting when it becomes apparent that they have forgotten. This used to happen back in the days before video meetings, when there was one lone person on the speaker phone.
I can’t imagine you are alone in dealing with this situation. There are more hybrid teams today than ever before—and managers need to up their game to make sure everyone feels like part of the team. But you can also rise to the challenge by getting help, making requests, and piping up even when it might be uncomfortable.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I work in a large global organisation. The president for EMEA (UK and all of Western Europe) is my boss’s boss. I recently hired his son into my team.
He gave a good interview and seemed totally committed to the role. Since then, I find him very challenging. He mimics his father, who is several levels above me. He doesn’t show up for team meetings (or gives a weak excuse why he can’t join) and he challenges the way we operate within the organisation with phrases I assume he has heard from his father. I need him to perform his role, not his father’s, and I feel that he thinks he is protected.
Recently I had a special project where his father intervened unexpectedly and unusually for someone so high up in the organisation, at a time I had briefly discussed the project with his son. How should I deal with this behaviour? I don’t want his conduct to spread like contagion through the team, and I also don’t want to give him special privileges just because of his father’s position.
Hired The Boss’s Son
__________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Hired The Boss’s Son,
Isn’t this a can of worms! I wish I could wave a magic wand and send everyone back to the starting line so that clear agreements about how to proceed when family members join an organization could be designed before you got started. But of course that isn’t very helpful, is it?
You have two choices here, and the direction you go will probably be informed by your own sense of how much power you have in the situation and to what extent you feel secure in your job.
Choice One: You nip the unacceptable behaviour in the bud. Have a serious sit-down with The Prince and explain:
- That your job is to help him be as successful as possible in his current role, and that you look forward to seeing him advance quickly so that he can implement all of his ideas about how things should be done when he is in the position to do so.
- The chain of command and the inappropriateness of his going over your head.
- Your expectations of all of your team members, including him, that everyone attend team meetings.
- Your expectations of anyone in his role: what the job is and is not.
- Your commitment to fairness; your belief that privilege is earned, not granted because of family connections; and your need to see a marked change in his behaviour.
- That his performance evaluation is at stake, and that if he cannot control himself and show appropriate respect for the team and for you as his manager, he will not be successful in the organisation. (Be sure to be crystal clear on this one.)
If you feel safe enough to do so, you may ask for a meeting with the father to enroll him in your quest to help The Prince be as successful as possible in his current role. If the father can’t see how wrong his son’s behavior is, and doesn’t have your back, this route will probably not go well. Finally, you also need your human resources business partner to know what is going on, so HR may be able to intervene as well. It was up to your HRBP to see this coming and provide the necessary extra preparation before you hired, but I guess the practice of nepotism must be new to everyone. It is one of those things you don’t know until you find out the hard way.
Choice Two: If you don’t have support from HR and the big boss, you will probably need to suffer the annoying behaviour until you can shuffle the kid upward and away from you. It wouldn’t be the first time a problem child got promoted so that someone could avoid conflict. I hate to even suggest it, because this is exactly the kind of responsibility-ducking that contributes to the weakening of organisations. But if you believe your own job could be at stake, you may not feel like you have a choice. The risks with this are that you might lose the respect of the rest of your team (although they may understand how untenable your position is)—and you may also endanger your reputation with whoever his next boss is when they realize that you fobbed off a disruptive, entitled brat onto them. Then again, if the big boss can’t or won’t see the problem, everyone will have to suffer together.
This conversation is close to home for me as a family member who works in a family-owned business. We actively practice nepotism, in that we are delighted to offer opportunities to our own friends and family, and those of our employees, who have the requisite skills and experience. The key, however—and we have indeed learned this the hard way—is that there is no preferential treatment when it comes to performance and adherence to the company values. Maybe the most important message we have learned to share with the folks who come into the company with privilege (whether it is real or simply perceived) is this: Privilege comes with increased responsibility to demonstrate alignment with the company values and be an unimpeachable performer and a contribution to one’s team. You might want to add this message to the list of bullet points above.
You inadvertently stepped into a bit of quicksand and will have to proceed very carefully to extricate yourself without losing your self-respect, possibly your reputation, and of course, at the very worst, your job. Get as much support as you can, and feel out the power dynamic to decide your path. Keep your wits about you. And be deliberate whether you choose to go into battle or duck and wait it out.
The one thing I can say for sure is this: even if The Prince doesn’t learn a little humility at this stage of his working life, he will at some point. Life humbles all of us eventually. Would it be better for him to get the memo now, while he is young enough to really benefit? Of course it would. It just may not be your job to make sure that happens.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I manage a global team of extremely talented scientists. It is clear how the work we do benefits our organization. I got a new boss about nine months ago, and I’m pretty sure my unit was the only one that wasn’t a dumpster fire.
I have been left completely to my own devices. I don’t know if my boss even knows what my team does—and he hasn’t shown evidence that he cares. I was given my budget for 2024, which is fine since it is almost exactly what I had for 2023 and nothing is changing. All our goals are the same because they are all phased out over multiple years.
My annual review is coming up in a month. I want to prepare, but I have no idea what the boss is looking for or what he is going to want to know. I’m not sure how to operate in a vacuum like this. Any ideas would be appreciated.
Left Alone
__________________________________________________________________________
Dear Left Alone,
In some ways, this is a best-case scenario. So many people wish they could just be trusted to do their jobs without constant interference. The downside to this situation would only become apparent if you needed resources you couldn’t get, or if you were hoping for recognition you might need to be considered for promotion. If neither of those two things is an issue, I would say no news is good news.
That being said, I think this moment might be an opportunity to:
- Make sure your boss knows what you do and how critical your team’s work is to the business.
- Reassure him that you have everything you need to continue your stellar performance.
- Find out what else he wants to know.
- Plant some seeds for future plans, if you have ideas.
You might consider writing an email or even creating a presentation that outlines what your team accomplished in 2023 and how those accomplishments contributed to the company’s strategic imperatives. Include answers to questions you think he might have. Then share your goals for 2024. It might also be a good idea to give your boss monthly updates on what has been accomplished, what obstacles you face, and what, if anything, you need from him.
In preparation for your review, send your boss a list of topics you think he might want to hear about from you and ask if it is accurate.
If you do all this, no one can accuse you of not keeping up your end of the manager/employee compact. And you might learn a little bit about how your boss thinks and what is important to him.
You don’t seem to require a ton of affirmation or acknowledgement, which means this kind of arrangement could go on indefinitely. So that’s good. But you don’t want to be surprised, either, so a bit of advance scouting to ascertain what is going on in your boss’s head wouldn’t hurt.
Happy New Year to you!
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
The year 2023 will be remembered as a time of high managerial expectations from an in-demand workforce. Readers of Madeleine’s Advice for the Well-Intentioned Manager continued to adapt, grow, and improve their skills to bring out the best in others. Here is a list of this year’s top five most viewed columns. Madeleine will be back on January 6 with a new year of questions (possibly yours?) from well-meaning managers.
Trying to Stop Interrupting Others? Ask Madeleine
A reader asks Madeleine for help with a common problem in today’s fast-paced world—how to stop interrupting people. Madeleine shares four triggers that might be causing the problem, along with strategies for improvement. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/trying-to-stop-interrupting-others-ask-madeleine
Not Sure How to Exceed Expectations with Your Boss? Ask Madeleine
A reader shares that in their last performance review they were asked to “find new ways to add value to the organization.” The reader asks Madeleine for help decoding what that means—and how to address it. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/not-sure-how-to-exceed-expectations-with-your-boss-ask-madeleine
Just Promoted—and Drowning? Ask Madeleine
Madeleine helps a recently promoted manager who is struggling with the demands of their new high-profile job. Madeleine shares that half the battle of being a senior leader is choosing what to pay attention to and what to ignore. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/just-promoted-and-drowning-ask-madeleine
Does Every Hire Need to Be a Rock Star? Ask Madeleine
A reader raises an interesting question about hiring for a position that requires someone to simply keep their head down and get the job done. Their boss is advocating for a young, ambitious candidate. The reader believes it makes more sense to hire someone who will not be disappointed with the lack of a career path. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/does-every-hire-need-to-be-a-rock-star-ask-madeleine
Want to Be a Better Mentor? Ask Madeleine
In the most read column of the year, a reader asks Madeleine for advice on how to be a great mentor. Madeleine shares a roadmap and strategies for the mentor-mentee relationship, and how mentors can know at the end that they have done a good job. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/want-to-be-a-better-mentor-ask-madeleine
Do you have a question for Madeleine? Send an email to madeleine.blanchard@blanchard.com. Please note: although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each email personally. Questions will be edited for clarity and length.
Best wishes for the New Year!
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am a senior sales manager in a mid-sized company. I love the company, the work we do, and the people. I have been identified as a high potential. My team always hits goal, I get consistently excellent performance reviews, and I have every expectation that I will have a shot at chief revenue officer.
The company positions itself as family-friendly, which has been my experience. We all have a lot of flexibility. As long as people are available and the work gets done, nobody really cares about how. I have one child in preschool and am expecting another one. I am a fairly private person, so I didn’t share the news with anyone until it became obvious. The next thing I knew, a very senior woman in the company—a person I respect who has been a bit of a mentor to me and (not incidentally) who has a lot of influence—walked into my office and said, “I thought you were serious about your career.”
I was floored. What the heck? All I could think to say was, “Of course I am. What makes you think I’m not?” She expounded on how having one kid is fine, but having two means you will never be able to give the job everything you have. Then she said I was “signaling a lack of commitment” by having another kid!
I am so mad. I mean come on, are we still living in 1958? Many people on our executive team—all men— have multiple children. I really thought I had enough of a track record to be taken seriously despite my desire to have a family. I should note that this woman does not have children.
I find myself spiraling, constantly reliving the conversation and having pithy comebacks. I don’t know if others on the executive team have the same attitude. Now I am worried that I am sabotaging my career goals.
What should I do?
Angry and Worried
___________________________________________________________________________
Dear Angry and Worried,
I am floored along with you. And I am sorry that someone you trusted thought that sharing their opinion at all, let alone in such a hurtful way, was a good idea.
What should you do? I have some thoughts.
First: Let. It. Go. You are obsessing, going in circles, and engaging in rumination. Rumination is defined by neuroscientists as “a form of perseverative cognition that focuses on negative content, generally past and present, and results in emotional distress.” The more you do it, the more you create neural pathways in your brain that can become entrenched and self-perpetuating. I don’t think you need to worry about having a disorder—something was triggered in you, and you should be able to manage it. How to let it go? You can read more about rumination and how to stop it here. Most people I have worked with on this (including myself) have had success with a few different methods.
- Get a reality check. Talk to your boss—maybe even your boss’s boss. Check out the woman’s assumptions and assess the extent to which they might be shared by others. Take the opportunity to reiterate your commitment to the company, to the work, and to your own career advancement. Just doing this may very well put your mind at rest.
- Fight back. Meet with your HR business partner or even the CHRO if that makes sense. Get crystal clear about your rights. Share your experience and test out the possibility of lodging an official complaint against the woman for creating a hostile work environment. This may be going too far for you, and could impact you negatively if the woman has as much influence as you think—but you may get support from HR to keep this person’s assumptions from influencing others.
- Write a letter to the woman, including all of your pithy comebacks, that you don’t send. Take the time to write it all down and get it all out of your head. This should help you to stop going in circles. There is something about writing out your thoughts that can be incredibly therapeutic.
- Finally, remember who you are. One of my favorite quotes, attributed to multiple people, is “your opinion of me is none of my business.” Just because someone has an opinion about the ability of women to be both excellent parents and strong contributors at work doesn’t mean it is true. There are literally millions of examples that prove she is wrong. And you know yourself. You obviously believe you have what it takes.
You have allowed yourself to fall into the trap of taking something personally. It is totally normal—we all do it, and we are particularly susceptible when the offender is someone we respect. You must remember, however, that everything your former mentor said is 100% about her, and absolutely not about you. As a sales professional, I submit that you might simply turn this challenge into motivation to prove her wrong. I guess that might not be high quality motivation, but it sure works for a lot of people!
You’ve got this. Will it be easy? Probably not. Can everyone do it? Not everyone has the stamina, the ability to manage chaos, and the flexibility any woman needs to be a great mom while having a robust career. But I suspect you do.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
This letter came to Lucy Dannewitz and me as a result of our podcast, “Leaders Who Influence,” in Blanchard Community. Blanchard Community is a space created for all who are interested in Blanchard, where you can sign up for groups that suit you, network with others, and access special events. Lucy’s and my podcast is designed to explore how generational differences affect leadership. I will provide my take on the question, and then Lucy and I will discuss it in our next podcast.
_______________________________________________________________
Dear Mad and Lucy,
I find myself in a tough situation as a manager. There’s a person on my team who is a talented kid, but lately the quality of their work has taken a pretty serious nosedive. They’ve also been snapping at their coworkers. Someone told me that their father is in the hospital, so I’ve been trying to give them some room to sort things out. But yesterday they missed an important deadline, and I know I need to say something.
I’m at a loss, though. Here’s the kicker—this person has been open in the past about having serious struggles with mental health issues in their previous job.
I still need to keep them accountable, but I don’t want to push them over the edge. I want to support them. I guess I’m part of the typical Boomer generation—I have no idea how to talk about mental health. Am I even the one who should be doing that? If so, where do I start?
Not a Therapist, Just a Worried Manager
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Dear Not a Therapist, Just a Worried Manager,
It can put a lot of pressure on work systems when people’s lives blow up. I had a question similar to this recently, although the employee wasn’t a “kid.” I am trying to figure out how much of this issue is generational and how much of it is just regular manager stuff. I will address each separately.
Let’s talk about how this is a generational issue. You call the employee who is falling short of expectations a “kid.” To me, a Boomer like you, that could mean anyone under 35! So if this person really is a kid—just out of college, somewhere between 21 and 25, say—there is a good chance they are overwhelmed, afraid of losing their job, and not feeling equipped to sit down and have the hard conversation with you about what is going on. On second thought, this could be true of someone at any age.
Clearly, they felt comfortable enough to mention past issues with mental health to you, so at least they trusted you on what might have been a good day. They may have succumbed to magical thinking—and there is no age limit on this coping mechanism. It goes something like “I know things have slid downhill, but I am going to get it together soon and go back to being good at my job, and we can all pretend this never happened.”
I see two ways the generational divide might be at play here:
- Your employee is young and inexperienced and does not know how to broach the topic with you about what is going on.
- You, as a Boomer, are not comfortable navigating what may or may not be a mental health issue.
The first may help provide a little bit of context for you to be empathetic and let your employee know that your job is to help them be as successful as possible in their job.
The second, forgive me, is a story you are telling yourself. It’s probably based on what you have heard in the media, which, in my opinion, is a massive generalization and untrue. I would submit to you that your discomfort with talking about mental health is due to a lack of knowledge and experience with people who struggle with it. All that means is that you are lucky, not old. This particular instance is a perfect opportunity for you to educate yourself and expand your frame of reference.
One piece of good news about the changes since you and I were kids is that mental health issues are now, by and large, seen the same way as physical health issues. The secrecy and shame that used to be associated with mental health issues are simply no longer a norm. This is a positive generational shift, I think, because almost everyone’s life is affected by mental health concerns. Just ask people you know if they have a loved one who is affected, or if they are personally. You may be surprised. When I started speaking openly about a loved one who struggles with mental illness, it turned out that every single person I spoke to had more experience than I could have known.
Now, the manager stuff.
I am a huge fan of the adage from Max De Pree: “The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality.” And the current reality is that your employee is not meeting deadlines and is unpleasant to work with. The worst thing you could do is pretend that nothing is going on. So an observation of reality might be “You have not been yourself,” and the questions are “What is going on?” and “How can I help?”
You don’t have to be a therapist, but this does involve being willing to talk about the human condition and how challenging it can be sometimes. It is perfectly acceptable for you to admit that you do not have experience with mental health issues and that you need your employee to help you help them. Teaching people how to help them is one of the first skills anyone with a challenge or disability needs to learn. You can admit that the last thing you want to do is to make things worse. You can state that your intention is to do everything in your power to help your employee get back to a place where they can bring their best. And you can do all of this without your employee having to share more than they are comfortable with.
Our company is a small one, and there are at least five pages of our employee handbook detailing how an employee should proceed if they need to take a short-term, flexible / intermittent, or long-term leave to deal with their own health issues or to care for a family member. I suspect yours is similar. Locate your company’s employee handbook and find out.
Detailed information about the health challenge is not required. There is always an emphasis on privacy. A note from a medical professional is required, however, so what is not allowed is employees who are not getting any help at all who claim they can’t work. You can consult with your HR representative to get clear on what benefits might be available to your employee, such as counseling, therapy, etc. Since there is such a large uptick in mental health issues among all generations, many companies are providing much more generous EAP benefits. If it turns out that your company isn’t, you can share the National Alliance on Mental Illness website and the NAMI Teen and Young Adult HelpLine. There is help available. You may want to use the website yourself to increase your understanding of and comfort level with mental health difficulties—not as a professional, but as someone who cares and seeks to be informed.
Be prepared to present the options to your employee and then help them craft a plan to get them back on an even keel. And (yay!) you can do all this without ever having to delve into the gory details.
Are you the one who should be talking about mental health with your employee? Good question. And no. Are you the one who should be talking to them about what steps they might take to take care of themselves and their loved ones, and how to keep their job and get back to the kind of performance they demonstrated they are capable of? Yes. That is a manager’s job.
If simply having the conversation about reality and how to make it tenable pushes your employee “over the edge,” as you say, then they are not fit to be working and you will have to consult with HR to figure out what to do next. If, in fact, the kid has put their head in the sand and is engaging in magical thinking, I suspect they will be grateful for the opportunity to tell the truth and for the help in making arrangements that will ensure their long-term success.
The next time an employee shares that they have had difficulty with mental health, you can take the opportunity to ask how it shows up, what the effect is on them, and how they want to deal with it if it happens again. You can create some clear agreements of how you should both proceed in the event that difficulties rear their head in the future, just as you might with someone who manages a chronic illness or neurological difference. It is all part of creating a workplace where people can bring their whole selves every day.
You are obviously compassionate and thoughtful. This is not a huge stretch for you—you can prove the stereotype about Boomers wrong.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I work in a call center that delivers customer service for highly technical products. I have been a supervisor for about six months. I have a great manager and a great team.
My problem is that I overcommit. I work much longer hours than I should. Everything I have read on the topic of managing tasks and time suggests I need to get better at saying no.
I am confused, because I have been told that one of the reasons I was promoted was because I am so helpful, jump in to fix things, and generally go the extra mile. I see it as a success strategy. I watch as some of my peers duck responsibility—one of them actually has acquired the nickname “Teflon” because nothing ever seems to end up on his desk. I don’t want that to be me.
How do I know when the extra mile is one mile too many? How do I know what to say no to?
Overcommitted
___________________________________________________________________
Dear Overcommitted,
I would bet that your manager is grateful for you. You make some excellent points—going above and beyond is indeed one of the habits that can ensure job security and career growth.
“Teflon’s” reputation is a cautionary tale you have taken to heart. At some point you will hit the wall and have to draw a line. You are clearly close enough to reaching your limit to be asking these very good questions.
You say your problem is that you overcommit. What does that mean? Do you take on work that should really be done by others? Do you end up doing things that aren’t your job, or that you aren’t good at, or that you hate? Is it that you are helping others, or is it that the task is critical and there isn’t anyone else to do it? Or is it really because you don’t know how to say no?
These distinctions are critical because if you are, in fact, being used by others, that cannot stand. Slackers have radar for people who will bail them out—so you must be clear about the criteria you use to decide whether you will cheerfully pitch in. If you do need to decline, you can practice simply saying that you have other plans or you are not available. If you are allowing others to take advantage of you, you will eventually come to resent it. You can try on a few ways to say no by practicing these statements out loud:
- I’ve made other plans; I’m so sorry I can’t help you out this time.
- I’m currently focused on completing a report and can’t commit to anything else right now.
- I think _______ (someone else) might be better qualified to assist you with that.
- I’m not available right now; I’m sorry I can’t help with that.
- I wish I could help, but unfortunately, my current workload doesn’t allow for additional tasks outside my responsibilities.
Getting comfortable with and being ready to decline something that isn’t your job (especially if it doesn’t sound like fun) will make it easier for you go the extra mile in ways that make sense.
When trying to make up your mind about what to say no to, it might be helpful to consider the criteria for what you say yes to. These include but are not limited to:
- Helping someone who is having a rough day, especially if you know they would do the same for you.
- Doing tasks that are interesting, that you will learn something from, or that are fun and easy for you.
- Jumping in to assist when it looks like your boss will end up holding the bag, and she is already overloaded.
- Volunteering for tasks that will enable you to meet other people in the organization and expand your network.
Using this kind of litmus test will ensure that you are investing your time and energy wisely, not just indiscriminately trying to please everyone.
If you find yourself unable to say no even when you want to, ask yourself what core need you are getting met by doing this. It might be that you need to be liked. Or you need to be the hero. Or you need to avoid conflict. If so, you will want to build your awareness of that need and find ways to get it met that won’t hurt you in the long run.
You say you work longer hours than you should. Who is the judge of that? The only rule around this is the one you make. The question is: what is the cost to you? If you have a lot of energy and don’t have a ton of commitments outside of work, maybe working long hours is appropriate for you right now. It probably won’t always be that way, but if isn’t hurting you I am not sure what the problem is. Are you disappointing family members or friends? Are you forgoing proper rest, exercise, or healthy meals? The key is to articulate your own standards for what you need to stay healthy, whole, and energized.
If others in your life are complaining about your work hours, find out what their complaint really means. Do they want to spend more time with you? If this is the case, ask yourself if you want to spend more time with them and make a choice. But if others are applying their rules to you, frankly, it is just an opinion—and most likely an unsolicited one. It is meaningless. Sometimes people who enjoy working a lot are threatening to people who don’t. I know one young woman who left a job because her boss said her work ethic was making the rest of the team feel bad! Just when I think nothing can surprise me, that sure did.
So who is the judge and what is the judgment based on? Answer that, and you will have your own rules for how much work is the right amount for you. Clarify your own standards. Define what you say yes to. Defend yourself against people who see you as a softy. Be your own judge and set your own rules.
Don’t worry, you will never be a “Teflon.” I promise.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am a financial analyst and have always been very good with numbers. I am young and this is my first job out of college. I was happy to get the job.
My problem is that my boss is just mean. If I can get through a week without crying, it feels like a miracle. I strive to do everything perfectly but she finds things to criticize no matter what. One day she is okay with the way I do something, and the next day she finds fault with it. I don’t make errors because I always review my work.
I can never really anticipate what she will pick on. The inconsistency is confusing, but it is the sense that she is committed to always finding something wrong that is demoralizing. I just can’t ever win.
I just hate the idea that I am flunking out of my very first job. With the job market the way it is, I don’t feel confident that I will ever be able to find something else. I feel like such a failure.
What advice do you have for me?
My Boss Is Just Mean
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Dear My Boss Is Just Mean,
I am sorry. This sounds hard. It is just true that some people think being a boss means catching people doing things wrong. All the time. Some have good intentions and actually believe that is the job—the constant critiques will make you better. And then there are some people who enjoy lording their power over others to make them feel cruddy and who relish the act of keeping people off kilter. I am not a big fan of speculating about the intentions of others, but in this case there might be some value in establishing what your boss’s intentions are.
Here are some questions:
- Are you sure there are no patterns to her feedback? Does she focus on content, or process, or style? There may be more method to her madness than you have been able to decipher. Since you are careful about errors, is it possible she prefers that you submit your work a certain way, or set up your formatting differently—and then maybe forgets or changes her mind?
- Is the criticism personal? Does she berate your competence? Call you names? Threaten your job? Or is the feedback always simply focused on the work itself?
I am trying to get at whether your boss is really mean or just flaky and clueless. That will help you to manage yourself around her, and to make a decision about what you are going to do about it.
In the meantime, let’s talk about you. Because here’s the thing—this isn’t the only terrible boss you will ever have. The opportunity in this situation is for you to develop a thicker skin, work on a practice of taking nothing personally, and learn to protect yourself from other people’s horribleness so you don’t end each day in a puddle of tears.
In the quest to develop a thicker skin, it can be helpful to remember that criticism is just information. If it is inconsistent and has no discernable patterns, in the end it is just noise. So, instead of seeking to avoid it, you can anticipate it and assign it no meaning. You can also ask questions. For example, if she approved of something last time, but today it isn’t working for her, you can ask what changed. You can try to get more detail on the criteria you should use to exercise your own judgment. You can even say something like: “I strive to make you happy, but I am finding it difficult to anticipate exactly what will do that. Perhaps there are some general guidelines I might need to follow so I can do a better job.” Keep track of what she says and refer back to it in the future. If she really is trying to make you crazy, you will know for sure.
Either way, remember that it is almost never about you. Which leads me to the practice of taking nothing personally.
In his book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz says “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”
Take whatever you can from any feedback (from anyone, not just Meany) and see what there is to learn from it—what glimmer there might be in it to increase your effectiveness as a colleague, to contribute, to achieve mastery. Everything else is just noise.
A useful technique when other people behave badly, especially when it is directed at you, is to practice compassion for the person. To wonder, “Huh, if she is that critical about me, I’ll bet she is that critical of herself. Wow, that must be hard.” I know, it’s a stretch. But it is worth a shot, and with a little practice you might get the hang of it and find yourself crying a lot less.
I spent two years being beaten up by people who, I found out later, saw trying to get consultants to quit as a competitive sport. Crying in the ladies room almost daily, but sticking with it, really did make me stronger. Some days you will be better at it than others. Think of the rest of your time with Meany as training to toughen up. It will serve you well for the rest of your working life. Try to get a bead on Meany’s intentions. If she really is out to get you, you probably should try to find another job. I know the job market is daunting, but there is always a job for someone who works hard and is competent. Just take your time, be persistent, and don’t give up. But if Meany is just kind of oblivious, you might be able to learn to be okay with it. Give her the benefit of the doubt, continue to do excellent work, and ride it out. Others are probably having the same experience, so chances are Meany will be promoted out of your area (yes, it happens, the senior executives in some organizations are so conflict-averse—I see it all the time) or fired.
You can dig deep and find your courage. You can get stronger. Remember what you are good at, and the value you bring. Breathe. Cry when you must, laugh when you can. Keep showing up.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am a mid-level manager in a global software company. I have been working here for about ten years and I lead three teams. Right now I am working with my manager on our goals for 2024 and I can already tell that there is no way my teams are going to be able to deliver on all of them.
We have been pushing like crazy all this year with a promise that the pressure would let up at the end of the year. As it is, I have to talk someone off the ledge daily. Now I am looking down the barrel of another year of nonstop work. I feel terrible about this—like I am breaking a promise to my people.
My boss isn’t a jerk. I know she is being pressured from above. She would never say it, but I can sense the unspoken “if you can’t get this done, I will find someone who can.” There has to be some way to manage my people’s and my boss’s expectations more effectively, but I don’t know what it is.
What do you think? I am beginning to think that I can’t live with the kind of anxiety that is building up with no relief in sight. How do I manage this relentless tension?
Pressure Cooker
_____________________________________________________________________
Dear Pressure Cooker,
Well, this sounds like situation normal. Almost everyone I speak to is feeling this way. Here are the choices you have to consider:
- Negotiate for more (or more skilled) resources.
Carefully break down each goal into discreet tasks and estimate the time required to complete it. If you can show the math of what it will take to complete all of the required work, and how it will be physically impossible for your existing people to do it, you may be able to get more help. It is hard to argue with math.
You may get countered with “work smarter, not harder.” If you think that might be the case, be prepared to request the kind of training that would help your people to do that. (There might not be any.) With your experience, you probably know how long it should take people to do certain things—and some things just take the time they take. Doing this will also help you pinpoint if you have any team members who cannot get the work done in a reasonable timeframe. You may need to upskill or replace some folks. This can be hard, but honestly, sometimes people are in the wrong job and it isn’t doing them any favors to not address that. You can take a stand as long as you can show that you have really thought it through.
- Negotiate a reduction in distractions.
Of course I don’t know how much of an issue this is, but if your company is like anyone else’s, you and your people are probably asked to join any number of meetings that don’t contribute directly to getting the job done. Look at what those are, and do everything you can to get a few of those items off of the required list.
- Negotiate to reduce the deliverables.
This is the most obvious, and the one your boss is expecting from you. This is probably the least effective option for you at this time. However, I do urge you to check out the boss’s unspoken threat—you might be making it up. This is a classic way for people to needlessly ratchet up their stress levels. You can literally ask your boss what the consequence would be of not being able to deliver on everything.
You absolutely can and should:
- Work with your boss to prioritize.
In the spirit of wanting to under-promise and over-deliver, you can ask your boss to put each required outcome in order of priority. The hard truth is that if everything is a priority, that means nothing is a priority. I suspect your boss knows this as well as you do. So as long as you know your people are focused on the must-haves and will get to the nice-to-haves, that should help you manage your stress level.
- Work with your team to design sprints.
Since no one can go full-out all the time, work with your team leads to design one week of go-hard sprints and then one week of regular work. It isn’t a new idea, but I have seen it work well. You can read more about that here.
In the meantime, I hate to say it, but the intensity in most workplaces seems to be here to stay. You must decide whether you are going to live with it or try to find a more forgiving environment. If you choose to live with it, you have to find ways to take care of yourself and encourage the same for your people. Find one thing you can do to help you manage your stress and commit to it. Meditation, exercise, yoga—whatever has worked for you in the past. You also need to get some perspective. Breathe, do your best, remember that nobody dies in software development and that what gets done is what gets done, and be okay with that. A little perspective can go a long way.
I know it feels like you are breaking a promise, but the fact is that you have limited control over your environment. You can explain that to your people and share what you are doing to advocate for sanity. And at least now you know to be a little more cautious with your promises in the future.
Part of being a leader is choosing one’s attitude and what to focus on. This is your opportunity to do that. Your people will follow your lead.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I recently started a new job. I am super interested and engaged. I think I am doing well and my manager seems thrilled. People here think I’m much older than I am, and everyone assumes I have a bachelor’s degree. Only the HR recruiting person knows that all I have is a two-year associate degree—and it’s possible she didn’t notice because she didn’t say anything about it. The requirements on the job posting listed a BA or BS.
I am fine with this. I plan to go back and complete a four-year degree as soon as I can afford it. I live in terror of debt.
My questions are:
- How concerned do I need to be about others finding out?
- Should I tell people?
Worried
_____________________________________________________________________
Dear Worried,
Short answers:
- Not at all concerned. Stop worrying. Worrying is focusing on a future over which you have no control, and it just produces needless anxiety.
- No.
Long answers:
This is absolutely nobody’s business except the hiring manager’s—and if she isn’t concerned, you shouldn’t be. If she simply missed it, it isn’t your responsibility to draw attention to it. Some might disagree with me on that, but I am just being pragmatic. If you weren’t equipped to do the job they gave you, it might change things—but that isn’t the case.
There is no reason for you to tell anyone; that’s just asking for gossip and drama, which you don’t need. I guess if someone asks you point blank (and really, why would they?) you can say what you studied. Just “I studied computer science,” or American history, or whatever it was.
Everyone has an opinion about this topic. Many have a chip on their shoulder because they slogged it out and accrued debilitating student debt to get their degree and now think everyone else should suffer. Attitudes about the value of a college degree are changing rapidly. Ultimately, opinions are simply that. They don’t need to mean anything to you.
I worked with a client who lied about her education on her resume and lived in perpetual fear of being found out. It was debilitating for her. She ended up going back to school and finishing her undergrad degree and went on to get a master’s degree. You didn’t lie and you have plenty of time, so relax.
Kudos to you for being careful about debt. I am finding it to be a chief cause of stress for people, and I encourage you to avoid it if you possibly can. That especially applies to credit card debt. Boy, does that burn my toast. Keep up your very wise vigilance!
The only other thing I might add is this: don’t wait too long to complete your bachelor’s degree if it is important to you. It is much easier to do before kids and a mortgage. Of course, if you aren’t planning on either of those, you have nothing but time.
I hope this sets your mind at ease.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I love my job and I am good at it. When the COVID lockdown was settling in for a then-unknown period of time and everyone in my company was working from home, my partner and I took advantage of the crisis, rented out our condo in the city, and moved to our dream location. Life was beyond perfect.
Now the CEO of my company is going hardline, insisting that everyone be back in the office at least three days a week.
It is a short flight to go to HQ, and we still have our condo. In theory, I could bunk with our renter (a relative) whenever I need to. I am in negotiation with my manager to see if I might fly in for one week a month. He is fighting for me and my request, but I am not sure if he can make it happen. Even if he does, I will have to bear the cost of travel and the disruption to my home life (there are multiple dogs involved now). On the pro side, I am getting a little lonely working from home 24/7 and would welcome seeing my colleagues again.
My problem is that our CEO said at one point that he “would never force people back to the office,” which is why we made the move. I actually have the recording of the all-hands meeting where he said it. It makes me so mad. It is affecting my motivation to even make the effort to comply. My work hasn’t suffered yet, but I can feel my resentment creeping into my attitude. Part of me feels like I would actually have a case if I wanted to sue.
Any thoughts would be helpful.
Resentful
______________________________________________________________________________
Dear Resentful,
I will tell you what I hear, Resentful. It sounds to me like you might enjoy going into HQ on a limited basis. So the change might be welcome at some level, but you feel betrayed by your CEO. If you started out respecting and being a willing follower of your CEO, that respect and willingness has been destroyed. The bald fact is that he is breaking his word. Your resentment is rooted in that sense of betrayal.
I think half the battle for you right now is in naming the emotion you are feeling—so if I am wrong about what it is, what is the right word? You might consider checking out Dr. Susan David’s website where she offers fine distinctions to get clarity about our emotions. Her book Emotional Agility provides a deeper dive.
Once you can truly name and express what makes this whole situation feel so impossible, you can own it and decide what you want to do about it. Maybe it’s a letter to the CEO. Maybe it is simply a lesson learned. Either way, it should help to clear the field enough for you to make a decision about whether:
- you can release your resentment and comply with the mandate (or with whatever your manager can negotiate for you), or
- you want to hang on to your resentment but still comply, or
- you believe the loss of respect for your CEO is fatal and you need to move on to find a CEO who is more trustworthy to devote your work hours to.
To be fair, I don’t know a single CEO who was equipped to deal with what we all just went through. Every single one of them was making it up as they went and doing the best they could with no precedent to lean on. He probably had no idea what unintended consequences would result from what he said in a meeting.
So, ultimately, I don’t recommend option B, because, as has been pithily said by many, resentment is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.
I can’t speak to the viability of a lawsuit. You would have to consult an attorney for that. I can, however, caution that no matter how in the right you may be, a lawsuit will drain you of any disposable income you may have and your peace of mind. You would need to have an awfully strong stomach and be prepared for it to take years.
Check in with yourself and see if you can find it in your heart to forgive your CEO. Maybe all the brilliant and good things he has done can outweigh this one error. Or maybe the scales can’t be tipped in his favor. Only you can decide that.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am at a crossroads in my career. I am 63 years old and have held positions of plant manager and operations manager. I currently serve as director of operations at a company that offers overhead crane and hoist design, manufacturing, and maintenance services. My past has been challenging; I have reinvented myself a few times, turned a company around that was failing, etc.
My current situation is with a family-owned business where the entire family is employed. The owner is becoming less and less engaged and seems to be losing interest in day-to-day operations. When he does check in, his decisions are less than sound. His kids are in their thirties and do not yet seem to have the skills or experience needed to oversee and manage the company.
I have been invited to relocate from the midwestern US to Florida to run a fabricating company. However, due to the poor health of some people in charge of this potential opportunity, I have been told to sit tight until they are ready to decide. I don’t get many opportunities like this, and it seems ideal for my varied background and niche skill set.
My issue is that I am so driven, I feel I need to make something happen. I am a Christian and pray daily, and I know God has a plan for me.
I guess I am looking for your advice on the direction I should take. Is there something I can read, look up, sign up for, or attend to further my passion for my career?
Thank you for your time, Madeleine.
Impatient
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Impatient,
I think you have three choices here:
Stay where you are and advocate with the owner to hire an experienced and skilled CEO to guide the business into the future.
This choice would allow you to stay and continue to make a contribution without uprooting your whole life. You might even consider putting yourself up for the job of CEO. Although you may not feel that you have the requisite skills, many CEOs do come from operations. If you choose this path, you will want to be prepared with clear examples to support your assertion that none of the kids are ready to step into leading the company. I can’t imagine that the owner wants to see the whole enterprise crash and burn any more than you do. Only you can decide if you think you are signed up to lead at that level.
Stay where you are and advocate with the owner to appoint you as mentor/ advisor/ coach to the most competent of the family members in the next generation.
This choice holds some of the advantages of the first choice, but this one would allow you to avoid taking on all of the responsibility while still making a huge contribution guiding young people. For this one, you would need a clear description of the job, not to mention the buy-in from the second generation. They would have to not only be aware of their lack of readiness but also possess the humility to accept your influence. To be fair, this would be a rare and glorious exception, but, hey, it could happen. Of course, you would need to listen to your heart to know if being in service that way would suit your temperament. This, too, would be a form of leadership.
Take a deep breath and decide to wait for the folks in Florida to make a decision while you research other opportunities.
This may be the best option. It sounds as if you have already written off the owner and the kids in your current situation and are ready to jump ship. This choice would just require a little patience. Passion is a very useful quality until it causes us to jump the gun and make rash decisions. You would want to make sure that you are driving your passion instead of letting it drive you. It might be appropriate to check in with the Florida people to get a sense of their timeline—they can’t expect you to wait forever. In the meantime, you may not think there are many potential opportunities for someone with your background, but excellence in operations does translate well across industries, so there may be more than you think.
I can’t tell you what direction to take, but you mention that you have a relationship with God, so I encourage you to spend some time in prayer asking for input on this. My experience is that regardless of religious affiliation, when we ask for guidance, it is often offered. We aren’t always listening when the answers come, though, and we don’t always like the answers.
I hope that some of these ideas are useful, or, even better, that they spark a new idea or insight for you.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I lead a team that provides services to the professionals in my company. In my last performance review, my boss told me I needed to find new ways to add value to the organization.
At first I thought, okay, I can do that. But then I realized I really have no idea what “adding value” really means.
My boss is extremely busy and rarely shares insights about the organization. I feel like I can’t come up with good ideas in a vacuum, but I am also trying to figure out how to exceed expectations for my next performance review.
What do you think my boss means by this? Where should I start?
No Clue
___________________________________________________________________________
Dear No Clue,
The tricky thing about trying to exceed expectations is that it often involves being able to read people’s minds. For many high performers, it can be hard to know how to do that without going out of your swim lane and potentially causing chaos.
I agree that it is hard to tell what “add value” means to your boss. And without some idea of what your actual job is, it is hard for me to provide ideas. But when has that ever stopped me?
The question is: how can you get clues that are not forthcoming from your boss? They will have to come from your own experience, your team, and the people you serve.
You don’t want to launch into action without clarity about what a good job would look like. So start with yourself. Ask yourself: “What ideas have I had about how we might be more useful to our stakeholders? What perpetual issues keep cropping up? What do people complain about around here that my team and I might be able to do something about?” You may be surprised by how many ideas come to you.
Then ask your team: “In the course of your work, what do people seem to need or want that is currently not on our radar screen?” As the people closest to your customer base, they probably hear things you may not.
Finally, you might think about creating a survey to send to the people who use your services. Ask questions about what you currently do to assess whether their expectations are being met. Ask what might improve their experience. Then ask what other services might be useful to them. Of course, you may hear suggestions that fall outside of your remit, but you might also get some ideas of how you might “add value” to them. Those you ask will at least get the impression that you care enough to ask them.
Take all of the ideas that make sense to you and that you think might be viable for your team, and share them with your busy manager. Maybe put them in order of priority of what is simplest to implement while providing the most value. What could you offer at the lowest cost for the highest worth? She hopefully will be attracted to one or two of them, and, even better, may provide some suggestions of her own. At the very least, she will know you heard what she said and you are acting on her vague request.
If the whole effort is way off base, with any luck she will redirect you and you will have a little more to go on. Either way, I don’t think you will feel like your efforts are wasted.
It seems to me that it would be your boss’s job to provide strategic direction for your team’s performance. There is a chance she is too far removed from what you do to have any good ideas. We can speculate but we have no way of knowing. You can show initiative by doing something.
It takes a certain kind of confidence to take initiative in the absence of any direction. It shows leadership qualities. You may very well have more intuitive awareness than you give yourself credit for, but have not given yourself permission to trust it.
Make your plan and execute it slowly, keeping your boss updated as you go. Take any and all feedback under advisement and revise your plan accordingly. Action begets action, and that is what creates momentum.
Good luck.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I have always been good at dealing with stress in my personal life—difficult pregnancies, a special-needs child, and parents requiring help. But now I am going through a challenging divorce. My kids are all struggling with it in different ways and it is taking its toll. I’ve recently realized this situation is exceeding my abilities to cope.
I recently had to untangle a big mess because one of my direct reports “didn’t want to bother me” because I have so much on my plate right now. I realized I have been ignoring requests, snapping at people, and avoiding complex tasks that are critical to projects moving forward. I am watching myself from the ceiling, wondering “Who are you? You know better. Where is your composure, woman?”
Everywhere I turn to for advice tells me I need to take care of myself, exercise, meditate, and so on. None of it is helpful. I am hoping you have another angle on this.
Train Wreck
______________________________________________________________________
Dear Train Wreck,
You should exercise and meditate. Haha, just kidding. I mean, I am—but it is true that taking care of yourself has never been more important. So don’t ignore that advice. Find one thing you can do that helps you feel centered and grounded—just one thing that makes sense and doesn’t require a ton of time or a new skill set.
My heart hurts for you. You are going through one of most destabilizing transitions known to humans. When I was going through a divorce, I spent a full hour driving in the wrong direction on the New Jersey Turnpike with three ten-year-old boys in the car. My sister called me to tell me she saw me take the wrong ramp and I said, “You’re crazy, I know where I’m going.” That, it turned out, was not the case. That is only one of the crazy things I did. This is a whole unprecedented level of stress you are dealing with, and it is serious business. It literally keeps you from thinking straight. So I have two words for you:
GET HELP.
Find a therapist or counselor to whom you can vent weekly. Your company probably has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)—many offer six sessions with a therapist. That may be all you need.
Or
Call your best friend every day, set a timer for seven minutes, and complain bitterly about everything bugging you. Ask her to not argue or give advice, just listen. I grant that few of us have such a perfect friend, but you may. If you do, make an agreement with a time limit—say a month. It isn’t forever, and you will do the same for her when she needs it.
Or
Find an online support group.
The bottom line is this: There is no reason for you to try to get through this alone. If there was ever a time to call in the cavalry, it is now.
There is one other thing to try that you probably won’t hear from anyone else, and it has brought me, and many of my clients, through rocky patches. It is a technique from The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron called “Morning Pages.” This is how she describes it:
“Morning Pages are three pages of longhand, stream-of-consciousness writing, done first thing in the morning. There is no wrong way to do Morning Pages—they are not high art. They are not even “writing.” They are about anything and everything that crosses your mind—and they are for your eyes only. Morning Pages provoke, clarify, comfort, cajole, prioritize, and
synchronize the day at hand. Do not overthink Morning Pages: just put three pages of anything on the page…and then do three more pages tomorrow.”
You can listen to Julia on this topic here.
The beauty of Morning Pages is that it takes about nine minutes, tops, and it makes an appreciable difference to one’s state of mind. It costs nothing, takes almost no time, and doesn’t require scheduling for yourself or anyone else. I have found that people who use this technique go back to it in troubled times again and again. For some people, it just works to clear the decks and get us back to our center. It is worth a try.
In terms of your work, it is lovely that your team members are sensitive to your situation. Just make sure they know what to come to you with, and what they are free to use their own judgment about. If nothing else, this period will allow some of them to rise to their own brilliance. So you have that going for you. Talking to them about what you are going through (at a high level), explaining how they should operate during this difficult time, and showing appreciation for their concern is all that’s needed.
You are used to being a high performer and for the first time in your life, you are falling short of your own expectations. That is adding to your pain and confusion. It is also okay. Other people are clearly willing to cut you some slack, and you can too. You’re judging yourself for struggling, and it isn’t helping anyone. Try to give yourself some grace. It is not permanent. It is a moment in time.
Which leads me to my final point: this will end. I promise. Not tomorrow, not next week, but at some point, you will be on the other side of this, and you will be wiser and more compassionate with others because of it.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I manage a few teams—data scientists, bio engineers, research fellows, project managers—in a fast-growing biotech company. I have teams in Southern California, Canada, Eastern Europe, and Indonesia. The teams pass work off between time zones; if one person doesn’t complete their piece during the workday, it puts their counterpart behind. The pressure is tremendous. When we hire, I am very candid about the nature of the work and the expectations. We only hire people who have completed grueling academic programs, so they are used to the pace.
Lately, things are more intense than usual. We are very close to reaching our goal but our last round of funding is nearly exhausted and we have missed some deadlines.
I recently heard from our HR person that someone has filed a complaint against me, saying I have been bullying them. I am not sure who made the complaint or what I am supposed to have done and I am not at all clear about the potential repercussions. Our HR person is new, does not seem particularly competent, and has never worked in a global company as far I can tell. I live and work in Eastern Europe and am not sure what laws apply, as the company is headquartered in the US.
I admit I am very tough on my people and we have all been under a lot of pressure. I have been called a lot of things—demanding, exacting, even harsh. But I have always tried to be fair and have never thought of myself as a bully.
What is the difference between having high standards and being results-oriented, and being a bully? What can I do about the accusation? How should I protect myself? How can I stop this kind of perception? Maybe what I am really trying to figure out is:
Am I a Bully?
__________________________________________________________________________
Dear Am I a Bully?,
This is a big, complicated topic, and I encourage you to discuss all of these questions with the HR representative—especially what you can do about the accusation and how you can protect yourself.
The question I can help you with is how you can change the perception. I can only imagine that all of the reflection prompted by this event and the conversations you will be having will help you decide for yourself whether or not you are a bully. That is not for me to judge.
The truth is that someone who intends harm, plots ways to make others miserable, and derives pleasure and a feeling of power from doing so is most definitely a bully. A person who feels compelled to exert power or belittle others for reasons conscious or unconscious but feels terrible about it afterwards may also be a bully. Ultimately, however, the experience of being bullied is the singular and subjective reality of the person having the experience. So, the exact behavior that is registered as a direct conversation by one person might be experienced by another as an aggressive attack. When you are navigating multiple cultures and everyone is under a great deal of pressure, the situation becomes extremely complex.
Let’s take a look at a definition of bullying from The Workplace Bullying Institute: “Workplace bullying is repeated mistreatment and a form of ‘abusive conduct.’ Bullying is a non-physical form of workplace violence.” Another more universal definition from The Centers for Disease Control and Department of Education includes three core elements:
- unwanted aggressive behavior
- observed or perceived power imbalance
- repetition or high likelihood of repetition of bullying behaviors
At work, this would mean a perpetrator targeting someone for repeated mistreatment. This mistreatment can take the form of making threats, intimidating, humiliating, or shaming (either in private or in front of others), sabotaging or stealing another’s work, or verbal abuse. This is not the definitive list, just the usual suspects.
Does any of this sound familiar? I can only assume that you have never intended to be hurtful, but it does stand to reason that there might be people who experience a boss who is, in your words, “very tough, demanding, exacting, even harsh” as hurtful.
In my experience, leaders can get away with being all those things when every team member trusts that the leader has good intentions, has their backs, and acknowledges good work as often as they redirect subpar performance. Notice in the definition is says “unwanted aggressive behavior”. One might wonder what kind of aggressive behavior is ever wanted, but, I guess, to each their own.
- Ask yourself: Is it possible that I have a negative judgment or attitude about a team member that is revealed though my words or actions? If the answer is yes, this is something you need to deal with. Revise your judgment, check your attitude, have the hard conversation—do something. If you are tolerating poor performance or lack of competence but are hoping it will go away, this could be tripping you up.
- Ask yourself: Do I give negative feedback to anyone in front of others? If the answer is yes, cut it out. This can cause intense suffering for the toughest among us.
- Ask yourself: Do I ever make disparaging remarks about people (even those who aren’t present), use demeaning language, or call people names? If the answer is yes, there might be team members who think it is only a matter of time until they are in your cross hairs.
- Ask yourself: Do I ever raise my voice in conversation with people who have less power than I do? If the answer is yes, just know that this behavior may roll off the backs of some, but others will find it destabilizing.
It sounds as if there is more than enough adrenaline and cortisol being produced within your teams. To get the results you need, you are going to have to balance your demanding and exacting nature with efforts to ensure that people feel safe enough to think properly. You can find some tips on how to do that here.
Once you get more details about what you are being called to account for in the complaint, you might consider discussing the whole matter openly with your teams. To get some insight into why this might be a smart move, and how to go about it, read this article.
You are who you are. You can develop awareness about the impact you have on different kinds of people, and you can change your behaviors. You can also help your team better understand you, your intentions, and how you are working on yourself, so no one experiences you as a bully. Download this very cool e-book about Building Trust that will give you a sense of some things you can try immediately to change perceptions about you.
If you were truly a bully, I don’t think you would have bothered to ask this question. But it is going to take some work to make sure your intentions match the impact you have on people. The more power you have, the more amplified your impact is—so getting that part right matters more than ever. And the more pressure you are under, the more important it is for you to ensure that you don’t inadvertently affect the care with which you treat your people.
If this all makes sense to you, now is the time for you to embark on a journey of personal transformation. You may choose not to, of course—but then I suspect this complaint will be the first of many to come. That will, eventually, seriously limit your career goals. If you decide to up your game, it won’t be easy and it won’t be comfortable, but you will never regret it.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I manage a fully remote team and have one member who is wonderful—when he is able to focus on work. His contribution is valuable, he is easy to get along with, and other team members depend on his experience and wisdom. But he is always dealing with some kind of personal crisis.
He has had several health challenges, as have his family members. His partner is an ER nurse who is 100% focused when she is at her job, so all the appointments—and childcare—fall on him.
He has multiple pets, all of whom have special needs. He was affected by serious flooding in one of the last big weather events (his car literally floated away) and his home now has black mold in the walls. His remaining parent needs a lot of care. The list goes on and on.
I want to be empathetic, but with the advent of Covid and everyone working from home, I feel like work is last on his list of priorities. He often fails to deliver on deadlines but always has a logical reason. And, to be fair, he is good at managing expectations and communicating when he is not on track with deliverables.
How can I continue to be empathetic while helping him increase his commitment to work?
Torn
________________________________________________________________________
Dear Torn,
Boy, does this sound familiar. We managers all seem to have a fantasy in which our employees have partners whose job it is to manage the home, the kids, the pets, and the aging parents. This may have been the norm several decades ago, but most households today are only kept afloat with two full-time jobs. And that only really works when everything goes perfectly—another fantasy world in which no one gets sick, pets don’t age, parents remain completely independent, and fierce hurricanes don’t wash our cars away.
It is one thing to deal with one predicament at a time; quite another to have a laundry list of never-ending crises with no end in sight. Flooding is no joke. It is a traumatic event. I think your employee probably needs to focus on stabilizing before he can increase his commitment to work. It seems that you have a valuable team member who is in a pitched battle to just get through each day, and that it would serve you both to sit down and have a serious discussion about reality.
Perhaps there needs to be a conversation about making a change, at least temporarily, while your employee gets his own health challenges and the disaster recovery activities under control. Here are some ideas to consider:
- Have your employee consider going part-time, or even taking some time off and applying for disability.
- Talk to your HR person and get clear on the company policies related to paid time off, emergency leave, or other benefits that might be applicable in his situation. Ensure he is aware of his rights and options.
- Brainstorm a shift in workload/task assignments.
- Look into your company’s Employee Assistance Program. There may be therapy or coaching available to help your person talk through all of his responsibilities and help him get organized.
- Check into support resources that might be available for dealing with the aftermath of flooding—disaster relief organizations or government agencies that could provide assistance.
It is clear that your employee’s current situation is untenable, and it isn’t fair to either of you to not face the facts. You can remind him how valuable he is to the team, and how much you appreciate his contribution, and that it is your job to help him so he can bring his best.
Be clear, kind, and direct that something has to give or he is on track for increased health problems. Craft a plan together that you both can live with.
Remember to maintain confidentiality about what you come up with, but also share with your team that their teammate is working to manage his circumstances. They must be wondering.
Life can be hard, and sometimes really hard. Do everything you can to support your employee to help him through this particularly hard patch.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
My boss is the Chief Revenue Officer for a billion-dollar, publicly traded company, and I am watching her melt down in real time. She has been in the job for two years and has made one spectacularly bad decision after another.
Sales have tanked to an all-time low. I know for a fact that the earnings reporting is…not accurate. The stock price is slipping.
On Zoom calls she is manic, erratic, often making bizarre proclamations. I watch the faces of my peers and to a person the eyes are wide, lips tight. But no one is saying anything.
I can’t understand why our CEO, whom everyone acknowledges is a genius, put her in the job to begin with or has tolerated performance that has gone steadily downhill. It makes no sense.
Things have just gotten so weird; I don’t know who I can get a reality check with. It feels like I am losing my mind. I have been with the company a long time, and it has always been on a healthy upward trajectory. The CEO never would have tolerated such poor performance in the past.
I have a lot of stock options as part of my comp, and I am thinking now would be a good time to vest, with the stock price so low. I get calls from headhunters all the time, and I am beginning to think I should take them. I would feel bad abandoning my team, all of whom I love and care for. I am so conflicted.
Should I Bail?
________________________________________________________________________
Dear Should I Bail?
It sounds like a topsy-turvy world. I think when people start behaving strangely, especially when the CEO is asleep at the wheel—either actively ignoring an obvious problem or, as you imply, is somehow misrepresenting the numbers—you must assume something shady is going on. If no one is pointing out that the proverbial Empress Has No Clothes but you see it clearly, I would say you should trust your own judgment.
I can’t tell you to leave your job but I can ask you this: If your best friend told you all of what you have told me, and you trusted his judgment, what advice would you give him? If your immediate answer is “are you kidding, get the heck out of there!” —well, there is your answer.
There is no harm in taking the calls from recruiters, exploring your options, and getting a sense of what opportunities are available out there. You can brush off your resume and update your LinkedIn profile to be poised and ready to exit if your instincts prove correct. The only person who is going to care about your career and financial stability at this point is you, so preparing is smart. I applaud your concern about your team; it would be painful to feel like you are letting people down. If you do bail, you must trust that they will take your lead, start looking for options, and all land on their feet.
I often ask successful people what their biggest mistake was, and fascinatingly, almost to a person, it is a variation on “I didn’t pay attention to my gut and went along when I knew I shouldn’t.” You have been with the company for long enough that you can tell when you are seeing things that don’t add up. If you are not habitually negative and think something is going terribly wrong, then you are probably right.
Good luck to you.
Love,
Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I was recently promoted and I am drowning. I am still supporting the person who took my former job while trying to get my head around my new job. My new team is huge, and I didn’t know any of them until I stepped into this job. I couldn’t get through my email if I spent ten hours a day trying. And that doesn’t include all of the stuff coming in on Slack.
My new boss has no time for me and clearly expects me to be able to hit the ground running, but I just can’t. I am supposed to get an assistant, but HR wants me to interview people, and I don’t have time. They have offered me a coach to help me—but again, I am supposed to talk to a few and choose one and I don’t have time for that.
My partner tells me I am headed toward burnout. I don’t think that is true. I’m not depressed or apathetic, just in way over my head. How can I get a grip? Any ideas you might have would be appreciated.
Need to Stabilize
________________________________________________________________________
Dear Need to Stabilize,
You have collapsed how you are feeling with reality. You are feeling like there is an emergency when there is no actual emergency. It sounds like you are in such a state of alarm you can’t think straight. And thinking straight is what you need to be able to do right now.
So the first order of business is to turn off all of the noise and simply hear your own thoughts. Turn off Slack. Close your email. Turn your phone off. If you work in an office, go to another part of the building. A client I worked with once used to go to the stairwell. If you work from home, go to a coffee shop or a park. Step away from your normal environment and go someplace where no one can find you.
Put an out-of-office message on your email that indicates you will be focused elsewhere for the next 48 hours, and if the sender of an email deems it critical, they can resend in a few days.
Now write down everything you need to do—everything from the biggest, most complex things down to the smallest, and then prioritize it all.
Then delegate. Anything that someone else could conceivably do is to be done by someone else. Presumably the folks in HR are good at hiring, so tell them to choose the best candidate to be your assistant. Presumably the people offering you a coach have a pool of highly qualified coaches for you to choose from—and, honestly, any decent coach will be able to help you right now. There is zero research that supports the idea that anyone has an appreciably better coaching experience when they choose their own coach. Have the folks managing the coaching assign you a coach.
Do not spend a single minute doing anything that somebody else can do.
Tell your replacement that you need seven days to focus on your new job, and that they should collect their questions to bring to you then. They can text you if there is a potential train wreck about to happen.
Your boss expects you to hit the ground running? I love that expression because it sounds like something James Bond does when he drops out of a plane. It is not a real thing. But when your boss has no time for you, you can only assume you are on your own and you will have to use your best judgment. Draft an email to your boss outlining what you think is most important and what you plan to focus on for the next thirty days. They may ignore your email. Maybe they will respond with “OK fine, go go go,” or maybe they will suggest some changes. They may suggest (I have seen this before) that everything is a priority, which would be a cop out. If everything is a priority, nothing is a priority, so you will have to use your best judgment. Either way, you will have kept up your end of the implicit bargain by sending the email.
Getting to know your team is a priority. Once your new assistant is in place, have them set up 1×1’s with each of your new direct reports. Have them send you an email before their meeting in which they answer the following questions, (obviously you should edit these to suit you):
- What are the tasks and goals you are working on?
- What direction or support do you need from me on each of those tasks?
- What should you be doing that you are not doing and what is getting in the way?
- What is worrying you?
- What are you pleased about?
- What are your top strengths?
- What is your superpower?
- What do you want me to know about you?
- What do you want to know about me?
- What do you think I should know about your world, and about the team?
As you meet with each person, ask yourself what things are on your list that you might put on their list. You will probably be able to find a few things. Will they do it the way you would do it? No. Will they do it as well? Probably not. But they might do it better—and either way, it will be done. Done is better than perfect, at least for now. You are never going to be able to do everything yourself, so you might as well start getting things done through others right now.
Finally, remember that you were promoted because someone thought you were competent enough to figure things out. And I suspect that you will be, once your brain is available for use.
So.
Nobody ever tells you that half the battle of senior leadership is choosing what to pay attention to and what to ignore. Stop. Breathe. Turn off the noise. Think. Breathe some more. Focus. Decide what you are going to do first, and what you will do in the next five days. Ignore everything else, for now.
You’ll feel much better.
“But what about the fallout if I make the wrong decisions?” you are asking. That may happen, but, well, then you’ll know, and you will learn from mistakes. I don’t know what your business is, but I am assuming that no bridges will fall down and no babies will die if you just take a step back.
Whatever ideas you have about how someone else would be doing way better in this situation are wrong. There is only you, right now, and it is up to you to take control.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine, You have answered many questions about being a mentor—but as a young person in my first job, I wonder how I can find a mentor. How do I go about it? How do I know if someone is the right mentor for me? Once I find someone willing to mentor me, how do…
Dear Madeleine,
I am a senior analyst at an insurance company. I want to start building my leadership influence.
I know my position is not at manager level yet, but I think leadership can happen at all levels. I am also very young compared to my colleagues who are at the same level in the company. I used to think influence meant popularity (e.g., numbers of likes and comments on my LinkedIn posts), but I am starting to feel that this is not true.
I read in a book that leadership influence means how many people would follow a leader and change their behaviors after interaction with the leader. Do you agree? Do you have any advice on how I can begin developing influence at my position?
Future Influencer
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Dear Future Influencer,
This is a great question, and the topic could be a whole book. There are, in fact, plenty of books on the topic, most of which focus on communication skills. So I will try to hit some highlights, and maybe share a perspective you might not get elsewhere.
I agree that leadership can happen at all levels, starting with the self. I think the definition you share sounds right. Influence isn’t the same as popularity, and it is definitely not something that can be measured by interaction with others on social media.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary says influence is “the power to change or affect someone or something—especially the power to cause changes without directly forcing those changes to happen. Influence can also refer to a person or thing that affects someone or something in an important way.”
To boil it down, I think it means being able to get people to support you and your ideas or do stuff you need them to do, especially if it is inconvenient or isn’t really their job.
You might start by zooming in on three areas:
1. You: Who are you, and how do you add value to any situation? Get clarity on your own personality and core needs. Understanding others is much easier when you understand yourself because you can figure out how you are different from others, why it matters, and what you can do about it.
A great way to discover more about yourself is with our content on Essential Motivators. Watch this webinar to get going: Developing a Deeper Understanding of Yourself and Others. You will also want to understand what combination of traits, experience, and skills add up to being your superpowers. What are you naturally great at and what do you love to do that might be useful to others? You can use this knowledge to get involved with projects or committees in your organization that will help you find ways to contribute while vastly increasing your network.
2. Your Dreams: What do you dream of accomplishing (not job title or salary)? What kind of culture do you want to create around you? What kind of impact do you want to make in the world? What kinds of changes do you want to see in your industry? What is your vision for yourself, your team, your company? Do you know your values well enough to use them to make decisions? Do you have a personal mission?
All of these dimensions will help you begin to build a personal brand. All of these will provide you with a clear drive that people will recognize and be attracted to—because it is compelling to support others who are up to fun and interesting things. It’s great to be goal-oriented, but you want to aim for something more than just a title or salary band. As you aspire to leadership, ask yourself what will make you a leader others choose to follow.
3. Relationships: Connections on social media are rarely real relationships. Having a relationship with someone means that person knows who you are and will include you if they believe you have something useful to add to a project. You’ve heard the complaint about successful people, that “It is always who you know.” Well, it is true—maybe unfair, but true—because people can’t help you if they don’t know you. And they won’t know you unless you make sure they do.
The best way to increase the number of people you have relationships with is to create a Relationship Map:
- Identify the people you need to know—they might be senior to you, peers, or newbies. You never know what assistants might be able to help you if they feel inclined.
- Analyze each person. What are their goals? How might they benefit from knowing you?
- Make a plan to form a connection with each person. And I don’t mean on social media. If a person is very senior to you, maybe ask for a short meeting to interview them about their job—what they love about it, what skills it requires, what advice they have for you. People love to give advice!
If you find someone super interesting, ask them to mentor you. With others, try to find a common interest. This is where social media may come in handy. Talk about leadership books or baking. Get together for coffee or cocktails, or do something you both enjoy—hiking, taking your dogs to the dog park.
For more on this topic, you can find an articles on Relationship Mapping here and here.
You are well on your way, Future Influencer. The fact that you are reading books on leadership is already a great start. Warren Bennis wrote “Becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming yourself. It’s precisely that simple, and it’s also that difficult.” You might want to put his book On Becoming a Leader on your list.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine, How should I deal with LinkedIn? Everyone who wants to “connect” with me ends up trying to sell me something. Sometimes it appears that a person has done their homework and has something useful to offer—but more often than not, it’s people who clearly know nothing about me. I feel like the original…
Dear Madeleine, I am the director of ecommerce marketing for a fairly new and innovative global digital logistics company. The marketing team is huge; there are three other directors for other kinds of marketing and we are all very busy. My problem is with my boss, our CMO. She is brilliant, she does a great…
Dear Madeleine, I am a partner in a medium-sized professional services organization headquartered in a large metropolitan city. I was recently at a private social function that some employees of my company also attended. It was quite a party, and pretty much everyone had way too much to drink, including me. One employee, a person…
Dear Madeleine, I am director of client services for a global financial consulting group. I have a direct report who has a lot going for her. She is a hard worker, always organized and prepared, and a top performer. She is ambitious and has lofty goals. But she lacks gravitas. Like her, I am a…
Dear Madeleine, I am really worried that my company is going to replace my entire team of graphic artists with AI. What can I say to people who have spent decades to get really good at their craft only to see themselves replaced by technology? I am literally losing sleep over this. I would appreciate…
Dear Madeleine, I manage an operations department for the headquarters of a large media company. I have six direct reports and about 70 workers who report to them. One of my direct reports recently left, and I was absolutely shocked at the things he told HR in his exit interview. He worked for me for…
Dear Madeleine, I manage a business unit for a medium-size business. I have a group of six regional managers who report to me. We have been working remotely since long before Covid and have been using video conference for our team meetings forever. I have a direct report who has begun to refuse to be…
Dear Madeleine, I am fairly new to the workforce. I have a degree in accounting and got a great job right out of college, working in the finance department. I’ve been in this job for almost two years now. I like the company, the products we make, my manager, and my work. My issue is…
Dear Madeleine, I manage the US Eastern region for a global manufacturing company. Our new CEO, who is in Europe, is very frustrated at our US employees’ resistance to return to the office. He has decreed that everyone who wants to keep their job should be in the office five days a week, and that…
Dear Madeleine, What advice can you provide about how one can develop more confidence as an aspiring leader? Aspiring _____________________________________________________________________ Dear Aspiring, This is such a great question. I have been thinking about it all week. The answer could be an entire book—and, in fact, there are countless books on the topic. But of all…
Dear Madeleine, I have been a manager for a couple of years. My company provided zero training. I kind of figured things out as I went along, and took a lot of online courses. I’m doing okay. My issue is that there is just too much work. I’ve tried putting in ten-hour days, being super…
Dear Madeleine,
I work for a national mortgage company and recently took over a team from a leader who had led it for 37 years. Every single person on the team is more experienced in the business of the team than I am. And every one of them is very disengaged because their former leader clearly had checked out a long time before he left.
A lot of the processes—some of them possibly of no use whatsoever—are outdated and labor-intensive. When I ask why things are done the way are done, the answer is always a variation on “that’s just how we’ve always done it.” There are some time- and labor-intensive tasks where the owners aren’t clear why they are done or who cares about them.
All of my questions seem to be making people nervous. I am confused as to how this happened. The other parts of the company I have worked in are well run and up to date, and we were always asked to look for efficiencies. My manager has no explanation for me, and precious little guidance.
I am intensely frustrated with the condition of the team. It feels like everyone is lost in the land that time forgot. It needs a massive overhaul. I am pretty sure we don’t even need half the people on the team. I don’t want to scare anyone, but as the team leader, I can’t let things go on like this.
Any suggestions for how to approach this mess?
Need a Reboot
_______________________________________________________________
Dear Need a Reboot,
I understand your frustration and your confusion. It is uncommon these days to uncover parts of a business that have not been forced to slim down or to leverage technology to do more with less. For reasons you may never know, your predecessor was left to his own devices with little to no oversight. The people he left behind probably are either delighted to have a job they can coast through, completely burned out, or too bored and worn down to care.
I think you have a great opportunity here to rebuild your team from the ground up. At Blanchard, we define team leadership as an influence process focused on helping the team reach and sustain high performance. We define a team as two or more people working interdependently to achieve a common purpose with shared accountability for results. Let’s not call this group of people a “team” until they actually behave like one. You can find more detail on our thinking about teams here.
The thing that will trip you up is a deadly combination of too much, too soon, too fast. Slow and steady wins the race. It doesn’t sound like your manager is paying attention anyway, so why rush?
You might start by sharing your vision for the team with the team. This will be personal and sound something like, “Our team is an energetic and creative group that adds value to the organization by providing x, y and z.” You can share your plan to make some changes, but that you are committed to carefully planning each step so that all points of view are considered, nobody feels overwhelmed or left behind.
Next, outline some high-level goals—the first of which is to really understand all critical deliverables, who in the organization wants/needs them, and the purpose of each one. Once you have that figured out, you can brainstorm ways to go about delivering on them.
Then, get to know each individual on the team. Get detailed information about what they do, what they are good at, what they like to do, and how they see themselves contributing moving forward. You can assign specific tasks like research around software or updated ways to accomplish things to match skills and interests.
Create a first draft of a plan, get input from everyone on the team, tweak, and refine. Once you have a plan, you might think about creating a Team Charter.
A Team Charter is a co-created document that outlines:
- Your company’s vision
- Your company’s values
- Your company’s purpose: What does the organization do? For whom do they do it? Why do they do it?
- Team Purpose: What do we do? For whom do we do it? Why do we do it?
- Team Goals: What are the measurable outcomes the team is responsible for in order to achieve the team’s purpose?
- Team Roles: What are the key responsibility areas of each team member for achieving the team goals?
- Behavioral Norms: What are the behavioral expectations and team practices (strategies and processes) that the members agree the team should follow? What are the ground rules? These can include but are not limited to: communication, decision making, problem solving, and accountability.
Along the way, your group of employees will either be excited by the opportunity to make a tangible contribution to your company or they won’t. If you are vastly overstaffed for the work required of the team, this process will make it easy to identify the people you can probably get along without.
Stay focused on moving forward and let go of your distress about the past. Make a concerted effort not to criticize anyone or anything done in the past—the person responsible for it is gone, and it will just make people feel like you blame them. Let people know you have the backs of those who are all in on creating a future together. Put a road map together and move deliberately, step by step, toward your milestones. You will definitely have some bumps, but at least you will be acting as a team and creating a landscape that makes sense.
It will be an adventure, but it sounds like you are ready for one!
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I have been working for a company for a few years now. They moved to an Unlimited PTO policy just as I joined. It was heavily promoted in the recruiting stage.
Things went fine the first couple of years. I took the typical PTO breaks—December holiday time, a couple of days in the spring when my kids had a break, around 10 to 14 days in the summer—nothing that exceeded the number of vacation days I would have taken in the old model.
I work on a great team. We have always talked about time off and who would cover for the person who was out. We also have generally checked in and made ourselves available when we’ve been on PTO if there is potential for a problem. There has never been an issue.
We got a new boss about a year ago. He is a stickler for clearing PTO, which is fine—except that whenever I put in for time off, he denies my request. This has happened a couple of times now.
He always has a different reason—the launch of a new project, heavy workloads, someone else had already requested that time (even though no one said they had). Everyone on our team has experienced this. It’s getting to the point that instead of asking, some colleagues are simply calling in sick when they need to be out.
This is stressing me out. My mother-in-law is planning a big family reunion late this summer, and my wife has made it clear that attending is not optional. But now I am afraid to even ask. Help!
Denied PTO
__________________________________________________________________
Dear Denied,
This sounds frustrating indeed. Some managers get very anxious at the prospect of a team member being out. If I have this right, it sounds like you would be asking for this time about two and a half months beforehand. It would be absurd for your boss to deny you.
So, I say, ask now. The longer you wait, the greater the risk of being denied. Make it clear that you need the time for a family event and that it will create a real problem if you don’t attend. Explain that the team has always been super cooperative when it comes to covering for each other when they take PTO, and that you will make sure to cover all contingencies before you go.
If that fails, the next step would be to have a conversation with your manager to understand the reasoning behind the denial. If he claims that somebody has already asked (unlikely), ask who it is, and maybe you can negotiate the dates with that person, if their plans aren’t set in stone.
If that gets you nowhere, it will be time to go to HR. The statistics show that employees tend to take less time under the new Unlimited PTO policies than they did under the old model that set the number of days off. The fact is that people need to take vacation. Not just taking time away from work but still checking in; I mean a real don’t-even-think-about-work vacation. Any decent HR group will know this and should offer proper guidance and support to your manager.
It is possible that your manager doesn’t understand the PTO policy or he worries that if his team appears to take too much time it will reflect badly on him. We can speculate all day long, but it would be up to the HR business partner to get to the root of your manager’s reluctance to let anyone take time off.
Based on what I have read, asking for time off with plenty of notice should work to get you the time you need. You can read here about your rights, but remember that every state and country has different laws.
Don’t let your previous experience delay your making the request. Ask now and get HR involved quickly if you are denied. Lean on the recruiting promises if you need to. If you get no joy, you might consider working for a company that sees their employees as human beings, not machines.
There are already enough reasons to get stressed out these days. Adding the potential wrath of your spouse and her family to it just makes no sense at all. If your company will not support your need to take care of yourself, find one that will.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
There is a woman on my team who is driving me crazy. I am on the young side and she is nearing the end of her career, but I don’t think it is just about generational differences. In fact, she drives everyone crazy.
She always thinks she knows best and assumes I know nothing. She explains things I already know—and at length. She corrects me when I am talking and is sometimes right, but more often she is not. She even corrects our boss in meetings, and he is very graceful. I really wish he would shut her down.
I find myself getting worked up about it, probably way more than I should. It is just so annoying.
What do you think I should do?
Perpetually Annoyed
_________________________________________________________________
Dear Perpetually Annoyed,
I think we can all agree that possibly the most common source of stress at work is interpersonal tension. I have some ideas for you, and you probably aren’t going to love them.
First, some don’ts:
- Don’t complain about this coworker to others on the team or in your company. That just makes you look like a complainer.
- Don’t be rude to her. Don’t even roll your eyes unless you are by yourself.
What you might do:
- Pay attention to the way your boss handles the situation. It sounds like he knows better than to “shut someone down” in front of the whole team. You have no way of knowing what he says to her in private. But, if he can be graceful, so can you.
- Interrupt long explanations that you don’t need by saying something like “May I stop you? Thanks, I have what I need right now, and I need to get to it.”
- When she corrects you, say “Thank you, I’ll have to look into that.”
- If you categorically disagree, simply say “Maybe you’re right.”
“Maybe you’re right” is one of those phrases that can get you out of any number of potentially ugly scrapes with people who are not interested in a discussion. I agree, this is not generational. It is really just a personality issue. It is a classic case of someone whose need to be right supersedes everything else.
We all have different core needs—to be liked, to be included, to be noticed, and to be right are a few examples. I would say the true value of this for you might be to examine your own needs and ask yourself if the way you try to get those needs met at work is making you successful or costing you relationships. If nothing else, the bothersome coworker is a perfect role model of how you don’t want to show up. Watch and learn.
You can be forgiven for fantasizing about stabbing her with a coffee stirrer. (I am doing that right now!) But you won’t actually do it. And you probably aren’t going to get her to change, either—not unless you respect and care about her enough to risk having a very hard conversation with her. It doesn’t sound like that is a likely scenario.
To sum it up: let it roll off your back. Breathe, smile, draw a boundary when you must, and let it go. It is an annoyance, not a real problem. You could certainly turn it into one, but I imagine you have much more important things to do with your time and attention.
Every time you get yourself worked up, remember that whatever you pay attention to will grow. So choose to pay attention to what matters most. I guarantee it isn’t your poor coworker’s lack of awareness.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I work in the communications media studio for a large company. I’m kind of entry level here, but I have a lot of experience directing video. I often end up working with very senior people to get short videos made for client work, proposals, stuff for the website, etc.
Many high level people who come in are—how do I say this?—terrible on camera. They don’t know what to wear, they are almost always unprepared, they haven’t read the script beforehand. Often they ask to use a teleprompter but don’t know how to use it, so it is obvious they are reading. If they choose not to use a teleprompter, we then get the dreaded “umm” which diminishes the authority of the speaker.
As a very junior person, how do I help these people help themselves? I’m not shy but I’m very aware that these people could get me fired if I cross the line.
Trying to Help
_____________________________________________________________
Dear Trying to Help,
Umm…
Just kidding, haha.
I can’t believe this is a new problem, so I would say your first stop to get help with this situation is your boss. There must be a precedent. In theory, when a video shoot is booked, people get a list of guidelines so they will be prepared. These should include ideas for what looks good on camera and what doesn’t. You might suggest to your boss that you invest in some clothing in a range of sizes so you have options for people who show up wearing something that doesn’t work.
If your experience is like that of many clients I work with, it’s possible that either your boss is AWOL or so many people have been laid off that these systems exist but no one is around to tell you. Find out. If you do have a functioning boss, they can give you some pointers on just how directive you can be with people. If you don’t, well, you are on your own.
It sounds like it is your job to set people up to win and make the best possible video they can make. The thing you have going for you is that nobody wants to look bad on camera. Tell people that your job is to make them look and sound great—then ask them if they mind if you give them some pointers as you go.
Many senior leaders are overbooked, and lack of preparation is not unusual. It might help if you print out scripts so that people can read them out loud several times before trying to shoot. You can give them the script and say something like, “Why don’t you take a moment to read through this out loud while they are getting the lights right?” The more practice they get, the better they will sound.
Using a teleprompter is wildly unnatural and takes a lot of practice to get right. Here is a link to an article I found that makes a lot of sense. It offers good tips you can share with people who are struggling. I’ve found a good way to settle into using a teleprompter is to run through the whole thing five times really fast. Then try it normal speed. There is something about doing speed-throughs that gets the words settled in the brain—and then the speaker can just be themselves, use their hands, and sound relaxed.
Filler words are probably the most common issue for everyone. Filler words aren’t just limited to umm. They include “so,” “you know,” “like,” “and,” etc. Some folks get stuck on phrases especially during transitions, such as when moving to a new topic, and they have trouble with an abrupt ending. “It’s really interesting” is an example of this. For folks who use a lot of filler words, here are several tips to help eliminate them:
- Most people are not aware of their filler word habit. Tell your talent they are using too many filler words and their delivery will be stronger without them. You can let them know this is very common and can easily be fixed.
- Most people are terrified of pauses and silence, so let them know pauses can be edited out if need be. Let people know a little moment of silence is OK.
- Ask the person to raise their volume just a notch above normal. This tends to help people eliminate filler words.
- Allow for multiple takes, with several practice takes so people can raise their comfort level with what they are saying and how they want to say it.
- Encourage the speaker to breathe. Everybody must, and taking a quiet moment to breathe will help your speaker stay centered.
I think you might be overfocused on—or at least unnecessarily freaked out about—hierarchy. Yes, your customers here are extremely senior to you. But you still have a job to do, and it is to make them look and sound great in every video you are responsible for.
It might help to refocus on what your job is. Setting the stage at the beginning of a shoot and getting permission to offer direction and pointers will give you the leeway you need to help. Stay super positive—each time you need to stop and redo something, you can say “that was great, let’s try it a couple more times.” The more you make practice and repetition seem normal, the more normal it will feel. The more practice and repetition people get in a supportive environment, the better they will get. Only trained performers who have practiced and prepared get things on the first take. Set the expectation that great finished videos require lots of takes.
Worst case, you will have a cranky person who is too harried to care and will not allow you to give them the help they need. You do need to be sensitive to that and let the chips fall where they may. If people refuse help, it is on them if they show up badly in their videos.
It sounds like you have the best of intentions. Practice asking for permission and being concise with pointers. Don’t be shy about asking for several takes. Stay positive and point out what is going well. Your speakers will thank you. And those who don’t will have no one to blame but themselves.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I have been offered a promotion and need to make a recommendation for the team member who will be promoted into my job.
I have one very likely candidate: my most promising employee. She is consistent with her deliverables and has led some projects for the team with great results. She gets along well with her peers and is well respected all around.
The interesting thing is that this person does not seem very ambitious. Whenever the topic of her career comes up, she claims to be “very happy” right where she is. I can’t tell if that is really the case, or if she just lacks confidence to aim higher.
I don’t want to apply too much pressure and end up demotivating her. What is the best way to approach this? I don’t want to be…
Too Pushy
_________________________________________________________________________
Dear Too Pushy,
First, kudos to you for being sensitive enough to care about Very Happy (VH). The key here is get to the bottom of what her “very happy” means. It could mean “very happy for now” or “very happy for the foreseeable future/ you don’t have to worry about me wanting more and seeking an opportunity elsewhere,” or it might very well mean “very happy forever.”
It can be a mistake to assume anything, because your idea of what being ambitious looks like might not match someone else’s. VH may be the kind of person who doesn’t envision a possibility for herself until it is tangible. It might be that she is also worried about coming off as too pushy. You just won’t know until you investigate.
It is generally accepted that all managers need to develop a successor, so you might start by stating that as a fact and asking if she would like to be considered. You could also share that, in your opinion, she is the most likely candidate, but that you don’t want to pressure her. Let her know you are exploring and are open to the outcome.
There is a good chance that VH will ask exactly what the job would entail, so anything you can share about the job description and expectations around ramp-up time would be good to have at the ready. You may think she knows what the job is—but remember, she only sees what you do from where she is sitting.
It is possible, as you mentioned, that VH may not feel she is ready. If so, you will want to be prepared with observations about her strengths and how they would serve her in a more senior role. You might share the challenges you anticipate she would face, and how her experiences so far will have prepared her to rise to them.
If VH would continue to report to you, obviously you would be there to help her get settled in the role. If that is not the case, you might think about offering to mentor her through the transition.
It can be hard for people who have a strong drive to achieve and make no bones about it to understand those who are, by nature, more cautious and guarded with their aspirations. You already are receptive to how VH might play things close to the vest. Honor her nature and continue to be thoughtful, candid, and kind. You might just be able to draw her out enough so she will consider taking what, to her, might feel like a risk.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am an executive leader for a giant global organization. Last week, massive layoffs were announced. I have a team of twelve direct reports with hundreds of people reporting up to them. I don’t know every person, but I know a lot of them.
Layoffs are going to be devastating for these people. There is a hush now when I come into the office. The sidelong glances, checking to see if I know something, are awful. I’m not even sure if I will have a job at the end of all of this.
What can I do to keep myself on an even keel? And how can I help people soldier on until the ax drops?
I have heard about this kind of thing, but have never experienced it myself.
Waiting for the Ax
____________________________________________________________
Dear Waiting for the Ax,
I am sorry. This is one of the great pain points that goes with working in large organizations. The neuroscience research shows that our brains hate uncertainty and function less well in the face of it.
An organization that chooses to announce massive layoffs with absolutely no other information and plans to help leaders manage the process verges on irresponsibility. Sometimes there is a CHRO who works very hard to manage the emotional fallout of massive layoffs. More often, though, managers are on their own. It sounds like you are one of them—unless, of course, you can get some insights and/or direction from your boss, who is alarmingly absent from your scenario. That would be your first stop for help unless you already know there is no help to be found there. I hate how common this is.
You must take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. If there is anything you can do to make that happen, now is the time. Get exercise, eat properly, get some sleep, meditate. If it will make you feel better, update your LinkedIn and get started on an updated resume. Maybe get in touch with former colleagues and other members of your professional network in case you will be job hunting soon. Get support from family and friends.
In the absence of information, all you can do is try to make things as comfortable as possible. Pull your team together and surface all of their concerns, so at least people are talking and not just exchanging sidelong looks. You don’t want the conversation to devolve into a complaint session, but it will help people to have a safe place to vent. You can set up the discussion by requesting that no one share rumors, but simply share what they are feeling.
You can always re-direct with questions such as:
- What can you do to stay focused in the face of this uncertainty?
- What can I or another team member do to help you right now?
- How can we stay focused on what is working right now?
- Who is doing something that is helping them feel resilient that they can share with the group?
Let your people know what you know and what you don’t know and assure them that you will share any intel you get as soon as you get it. Encourage them to take care of themselves as much as they can. Give clear direction on what they need to stay focused on in order to keep moving toward team goals. Don’t let anyone get caught up in panicked overperforming because they think it might save their jobs. That will just add fuel to the fire.
Breathe. Tell your people to breathe.
Remember, you are intelligent and capable and you will be okay. Remind your people they are intelligent and capable and they will be okay.
Stay calm because it will help your people stay calm. Come what may.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
This isn’t really a work problem, it is a life problem caused by success at work. I am the CEO of a respected company and have been successful beyond my wildest dreams. I was the first in my family to go to college, let alone get an advanced degree. I am incredibly persistent and have worked hard—but, to be fair, I have also been lucky.
My problem is that my success is visible, so my family members and friends constantly ask for financial support. I am a single mother of two kids. I pay for their secondary schooling and am trying to save for them to go to university as well as for my retirement. I already contribute to the school fees of all my nieces and nephews and pay rent for some of my aunts and uncles. Once I have paid my own bills and all the others, there isn’t much left for savings.
People see that I drive a good car and have nice clothes and they think I am made of money. My own assistant recently asked me to help with her mother’s medical care. People always say they will pay me back, and we all act as if the money is a loan, but I can’t see how anyone will ever be able to pay me back.
I know that the things people ask me to help with are legitimate. It isn’t that I feel taken advantage of—it is simply more than I can pay. I recently made a loan by putting something on a credit card, so now I am paying interest on that loan and I just hate it. I am really struggling with saying no.
Victim of My Success
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Dear Victim of My Success,
This is such a classic conundrum. It makes it hard to enjoy your success when it puts you in such an uncomfortable position. I think you might be able to apply a couple of principles here that will help. You will have to gather your courage to be tough and firm, but it sounds like you are tired enough of the situation and are ready to do that. You aren’t going to like what I am going to say, but I am going to say it anyway.
Your suspicion that none of what you give away is truly a “loan” is dead right. Unless you have some kind of payment plan that you are willing to hold people to, you are really just giving money away. The way people who officially loan money (like banks or loan sharks) get unpaid loan money back most of the time is to seize assets or terrify people into compliance. Of course you are not going to do that.
So the first thing you need to do is change your language when you do offer help. Call it a gift. Then when people insist they will pay you back, you can say they are welcome to do that, but you don’t expect it. You never know, someone may repay your generosity when you need it most in the future. I call that pennies from heaven. But you must construct your financial life as if that will never happen. It takes a lot of pressure off the relationship. Everybody wins, you get your need to share and be generous met, and people get help when they need it.
Then, you need to clarify your own boundaries: how much money must you protect for yourself, your children, and the commitments you have already made? It is simply math. You know what comes in every month, and you know what goes out. With anything left over, you decide what goes into savings and what is left over to give away. You can literally build a giveaway fund—and when it is exhausted, that’s that. No more. The well is dry. Until you decide to replenish the fund.
And, unless you are committed to being in debt for anyone other than your children, such as to pay for education or co-sign a mortgage, I highly recommend that you first use the fund to pay off your credit card debt. I am no financial planner, but I know enough to know that credit card debt is brutal and is to be avoided at all costs.
This will be hard for you. You help people because their needs are legitimate, and you care for them. But legitimate need is infinite. It will never shrink. You will be on this vicious and exhausting cycle until you put a stop to it. No one can do it for you.
People will stop asking only when there is nothing—and I mean nothing—left to give. You really don’t want that. Sometimes people are victims of circumstances beyond their control. This is not the case for you.
You have choices here.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I have an employee who is very dependable and is doing an excellent job. I am certain he will do very well here, long term. He has been with the company about a year, has developed confidence, and often catches errors before it is too late. He is trusted and his peers go to him to brainstorm and troubleshoot.
I have noticed that he stays silent in meetings but will share his thoughts with others after the meeting. This causes extra work and adds time to the process of making the best decisions. I have encouraged him to speak up in group settings, but he is not rising to the occasions as they are presented.
I see great things for this person, and this is an important step in his development. I am not sure how to help him make this leap. Would appreciate some ideas.
Challenged
__________________________________________________________________
Dear Challenged,
Getting the quiet ones to speak up in the moment is a tricky one. The key will be to first get him on board. It may take a lot for him to “rise,” as you say, so he needs to understand the difference it will make for him. He also needs to understand what it will cost him if he fails to even try.
This will require a one-on-one conversation that is private with no interruptions. Then paint the picture of what you see going on.
Start by explaining what compels you to insist on his development. If you didn’t see such promise, you wouldn’t bother, right? He needs to know that you know the value he brings.
Then explain why it is so important for him to speak up in the moment, not after the meeting. Use an example of a recent case where it added time and needless complexity to a decision process. There is a good chance he has no idea it is causing static.
Remind him that you have encouraged him in the past and have not seen any change.
Then ask questions that will help you understand what is going on:
- Do you see how important it is that you speak up in the moment?
- What keeps you from speaking up in the moment?
- Is there anything or anyone (including me) in the meetings that make you feel unsafe?
- What can I do to make it feel safer for you?
- How can you overcome whatever is getting in your way of speaking?
Ask each question and let him take his time to answer. You may have to be in silence together for a while, and that’s okay. If it makes you uncomfortable, breathe.
You can speculate all day long as to why your high potential person is staying quiet, but only he knows. To be fair, he may not even know himself, so you may not get a clear answer the first time you ask. Be prepared to have him go away and think about it. If this happens, schedule a follow-up so he knows you are not going to let it drop.
You may end up hearing something unexpected. Maybe he was punished or ridiculed for speaking up in his last job. Maybe he needs time to think about things. Maybe he just doesn’t think anyone cares what he thinks, despite what you have said to him. Who knows?
But extend the invitation to partner with him to help him rise. Give it time. It may require incremental experiments. Or you may unleash something—for better or for worse.
He is lucky to have a manager who cares enough to bother. I salute you.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I was recently promoted to a VP role in my company. It was a bit of a surprise as I thought my boss would never leave—but he did, quite suddenly. I have been in the role now for about five months.
My new boss keeps telling me I need to “get out of the weeds” and be more strategic. I have no idea what that means. I am still doing my old job while now also supervising the work of all my peers. I am at my wits’ end with the workload. The meetings alone are killing me.
My biggest issue is that I am most comfortable simply getting things done—making my list of tasks and systematically checking them off. I suspect that isn’t particularly strategic.
Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.
How to Get Out of the Weeds
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Dear How to Get Out of the Weeds,
I can appreciate your overwhelm and confusion. The transition you are going through is one of the hardest, in my opinion, because everything you have done in the past that has made you successful is now getting in your way.
It is very common among people who are great at execution to be at sea with how abstract and unproductive “strategic” activity can feel. It is a shift in mindset that very few people recognize and even fewer are able explain or help with. It sounds like your boss might be one of those folks who expects you to just figure things out on your own.
I recommend a couple of do-nows—things you can do right now that will set you up for success in the near future.
- Identify someone in the organization that you respect and ask them to mentor you. Tell them you specifically need help to figure out how to be more strategic.
- Ask your boss what five things they need to see from you that will give them confidence that you can be more strategic and that you can do the job the way they want it done.
- Replace yourself: find someone who can do the job you were doing before. Either promote from within or request to hire from outside the organization. Nobody can be successful doing two full-time jobs.
Once you have done all of the above, or have them in process, you can turn your attention to what it means to be strategic.
This issue has come up so much with my coaching clients that I have developed a list of things a strategic leader does, gleaned from my experience and from reading books and articles. There are a million books on this topic and even more opinions, so remember this is just my take on it. Maybe use this list with your boss to see what they agree with and what they think might be missing or not quite right. That will at least get you two on the same page.
What does it mean to be a strategic leader?
See the big picture:
- Anticipate what is coming. Note and develop plans to navigate the unknown.
- Get the big ideas right.
- Stay aligned with reality while entertaining innovative ideas.
- Use big ideas to set direction while considering potential contingency plans.
- Craft the short-term and long-term objectives that will move people in the right direction.
- Communicate about objectives and direction clearly and repeatedly. Use storytelling and share inspiring wins widely.
Translate the abstract into the concrete:
- Help design tactics to achieve objectives, especially those that require cross-functional cooperation.
- Oversee implementation and execution of tactics—create dashboards of the most relevant data to create transparency, visibility, and accountability.
- Track analytics—interpret data to formulate meaning found in analysis.
- Refine big ideas, direction and objectives, and tactical approaches as activity surfaces new information.
See all, know all, intervene judiciously:
- Re-direct to maintain focus.
- Measure and evaluate performance.
- Track successes and breakdowns—help tackle hiccups in processes and systems.
- Support solving of complex entrenched problems.
- Make sure people feel noticed, seen, and heard.
- Keep your ear to the ground to get advance notice of potential problems and to surface time-wasters—policies that aren’t producing intended results. Anticipate.
Focus on the future:
- Create multiple paths for generating and testing ideas.
- Create an environment of learning and innovation.
- Develop opportunities for high potential performers.
Master political agility:
- Cultivate relationships incessantly.
- Challenge the status quo without provoking outrage.
- Be masterful at shuttle diplomacy—conducting negotiations, especially between parties at odds with each other, but also parties who can’t see how their goals can be aligned.
As you can see, a lot of these activities involve thinking or relationship building, which can feel like anything but work. And to be fair, it isn’t work as you have known it. But it is work—it is strategic work and someone needs to do it. You can expect this transition to take some time and a lot of getting used to. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself some grace. As long as your boss is getting what they need from you, you will be okay.
Good luck.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I read your article “Celebrating Women at Work” with interest and it prompted this question. I am a female senior manager in a fast-moving tech company. I run a high-level customer success team made up of mostly older women. About a year ago, my old boss retired. I got a new female boss who was brought in from another tech company that does not have a great reputation.
She immediately challenged me to diversify my team. She said I did not have enough men, because “most of our customers are men, and men prefer to work with men.” Let me be clear here that we have never, ever received feedback on that score.
I have no reason to replace anyone on my team. Every single person is outstanding and I don’t have the budget for more people. At each of our one on ones (most of which she cancels), my boss asks me what I am doing to get more men on the team. When I tell her I will certainly keep it in mind if someone on my team does need to be replaced, she just looks at me blankly.
I think she expects me to fire some of my people so I can start fresh with young men, but she hasn’t said so explicitly. If that were true, I am pretty sure we would have an HR issue on our hands. And then there’s the sheer unfairness of it all—it has taken me years to get the team to peak performance. The whole diversification focus just seems so faddish and frankly irrelevant right now. And my boss doesn’t even seem to understand or care about what my team does.
I always thought a female leader would, if anything, advocate for having more women, especially in tech where they are an anomaly. But this one seems to be pulling in the opposite direction. I am confused and annoyed. How do I put a stop to this nonsense that has nothing to do with my team being successful?
Feeling Betrayed
________________________________________________________________________
Dear Feeling Betrayed,
I hear a couple of things going on here. The gender bias/diversity seems to be a symptom of the bigger problem, which is that your boss doesn’t seem to know or care what your team does. Nor does she seem to be inclined to offer any direction on how you are supposed to comply with her edict to diversify your team.
Considering these two issues, the fact that she does not seem to care about supporting women in the workplace seems almost beside the point.
So, what to do?
I think your first task is to help your new boss understand what your team does and why it matters to the organization, and provide her with any data you might have on how successful your team is. Any feedback you have received from customers, including the fact that no one seems to care about the gender of their customer service representative, might be useful.
It might also help to ask your boss for more detail on her position that your team needs to be diversified and how she got there. This can be hard when all you want to say is “that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!” So try open-ended invitations or questions such as:
- Please tell me more about this point of view.
- What is it exactly that you see as a problem with my team?
- Is this a new policy you feel obligated to comply with?
- What am I not seeing that you think I should see here?
You might consider getting someone from HR involved to help you with a long-term plan for complying with your boss’s edict. Your HR professional may spot a red flag in terms of compliance with policy and may be able to help you put together a case for the total lack of need for the changes your boss wants. They may also be alert to the possibility of a big fat legal problem in the making.
This seems like such a perfect example of managers focusing on the wrong things and wreaking havoc in systems that are working just fine. We can speculate all day long—and believe me, I am. I wonder if your new boss is afraid she might be seen as weak because of the number of women under her. But as entertaining as it may be, speculation, like making assumptions, is a colossal waste of time.
You and I may both be missing something here. Try to get to the bottom of it if you can. Definitely get some help from HR, because there is just something off about this whole thing.
In the meantime, keep up the good work supporting your dream team and your customers.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I manage a large regional business unit, and a few years ago all managers went through a coaching class. We learned to ask fewer why questions when coaching, and I have found it to be a helpful tip. I know it’s generally not a good idea to ask why questions, because they can put people on the defensive.
What is your advice on what to do when someone asks a why question?
I was recently asked one by a manager who works for me, who also went through the training and should know better.
I find myself not wanting to answer the question for fear I will appear defensive by even answering. I don’t see a good or productive way to answer the question, mainly because the way it was asked seemed to presume that I had done something wrong.
Is it rude to reframe the question the into a form I could answer? Like a politician?
This incident has made me realize that I seem to get a lot of these kinds of questions from this manager—questions I would prefer she answer for herself. It makes me concerned that she either can’t answer the questions or is kicking the questions up a level for some reason. Maybe she is asking for more support?
Confused and Confronted Leader
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Dear Confused and Confronted Leader,
This is an interesting one! For readers who wonder what is being discussed here, you can get some background from this article: Important Coaching Techniques Every Leader Should Practice. In most coaching skills programs, ours included, a fundamental is to ask better questions. This means, by and large, to ask what and how questions, as they tend to produce more useful answers. And it is true that why questions tend to put people on the defensive.
In your case, it is hard to formulate an answer without more detail, so I will proceed with general principles that hopefully pertain to your situation.
- Asking why questions when one should know better is simply a habit. I wouldn’t read too much into it. You might suggest that the why question be asked as a what or a how question.
- Just because someone asks a question doesn’t mean you have to answer it. If someone really needs an answer they will probably follow up and ask the question differently, or ask a different question altogether.
- The best way to respond to any question that makes you feel defensive is with curiosity. I guess you can always reframe the question, but you might try answering a tricky question with another question. For example: To respond to “Why was my team not told about this decision beforehand?” you might ask “What is happening among your team that concerns you?”
- One rule of thumb to consider whenever you feel defensive is to never take anything personally. You could ask yourself “How might I see this differently if I weren’t feeling attacked?”
The situation where your direct report keeps coming to you with questions she should be able to answer herself seems like a perfect opportunity to put on your coach hat. When anyone comes to you with questions you know in your heart they have the answers to, you can evoke their wisdom and simply ask (nicely of course) what they think the answer is. Either they will have good answers or you will discover they need a lot more direction than you realized. It is entirely possible your people do not see the big picture or have forgotten the reasons for a change being made. As a leader, you have to remember that anything you think is obvious, is not.
Finally, it sounds like you are uncomfortable with your people challenging you or doubting your authority. But it is better to have people around you who do that than a bunch of “yes” people who praise every decision and laugh at all of your jokes. That spells doom for any leader.
If your people seem to doubt your authority, you can always rely on the world’s best questions from our Conversational Capacity Program:
- What am I not seeing that you’re seeing?
- What’s your take on this idea?
- What does it look like from your angle?
- Are you seeing something I am missing?
Maybe they are doubting your authority and you would be well served to listen to them. Or maybe they just don’t understand and need you to spend more time explaining your thinking. Either way, they will be much more likely to have your back.
I hope there is something in here you can use.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I read last week’s column with interest and it sparked a question for me.
I am hiring right now for a position that requires someone to simply keep their head down and get the job done. Our company isn’t growing very fast, so there won’t be much room for advancement.
I have a number of good applicants—some young people who clearly want to grow and some middle-aged folks who seem happy to get into a swim lane and stay in it.
My boss is advocating for me to focus on the younger, ambitious ones, but I think that is just setting people up for frustration. I think it makes more sense to hire someone who will not be disappointed with the lack of a career path.
What do you think?
Race Horse or Work Horse?
________________
Dear Race Horse or Work Horse?
This is such an interesting question! I suspect your instincts must be based on experience. I would ask what caused the last person in this job to leave. If it was because there was no room to grow, then you have your answer, don’t you?
The fact is that companies need workers who enjoy their work, are content leaving their work at work at the end of day, maybe go the extra mile on occasion (but not all the time), and aren’t gunning for their boss’s job. After all, there is only so much room at the top.
The last thing you want is someone who will be disappointed; you are right about that. I think you want to focus on finding someone who has the right skills, will be a good fit for your culture, and fully understands the nature of job and its lack of potential for growth. I think it has more to do with life goals, hopes, and dreams than age.
It sounds like you have a good grasp of the kind of person you are looking for. The age thing is a red herring that muddled the issue.
Trust your gut on this one.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I recently recommended a former colleague for a job in my company. Months have gone by since then, and our company has restructured. The job she applied for was recently offered to her, and she has accepted. When I made the recommendation, she would have been joining a different department so would have reported to someone else. Since then, we have restructured and now she is going to report to me.
When I worked with her ten years ago, she was senior to me. She is at least fifteen years older and I was just getting started. She has remained at the same level. I know this because she was vocal about how she didn’t want to trade her family life for work advancement. I, on the other hand, have basically done that because I am super ambitious.
I recommended her because I know she is smart and competent, but it never crossed my mind that I would be her boss. God knows I need the help, so I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth. But I am really worried and not sure how to handle the weirdness of this.
What would you recommend?
The Junior Is Now the Boss
__________________________________________________________________
Dear The Junior Is Now the Boss,
You’re right. Weird indeed. But not unheard of. You don’t have to apologize for your ambition or your success, so don’t do that. But you don’t have to lord it over anyone either. Just the fact that you are concerned about the potential awkwardness of the situation makes me suspect that you wouldn’t. You both made choices, and that’s okay.
I think the only way to approach the situation is to initiate a conversation about it. Be honest about how you feel and encourage her to be honest about how she feels. You should be ready to share your desire to help her be as successful as possible in her new job and invite her ideas about how you can do that.
Help her understand the culture of this company and specifically how it might be different from where she came from. Make sure she fully grasps her job responsibilities, how to prioritize, and when to escalate when she is unsure. She obviously brings a lot of solid experience—so you can assess together what skills you think might be transferable and what might be new to her.
If you aren’t familiar with our SLII® Model, which will help you partner with your former colleague and give her what she needs when she needs it, you can find a handy e-book here. This will make it easy for you to let her fly in the areas that make sense and offer the right mix of direction and support in areas where she may need to find her feet.
The last thing you want is an elephant in the room that you both tiptoe around. Get all the cards out on the table, show respect for her experience and skills, and you will be fine.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I struggle with interrupting people—and I hate doing it. I usually realize it after it is done.
What are some ways to help me overcome this habit and make personal improvements?
Interrupter
___________________________________________________________________________
Dear Interrupter,
I applaud your self-awareness, which is always the first step to any kind of personal improvement. My first question is: how much of a problem it this for you? And how do you know?
You say you usually realize you have done it after the fact. How? Is it that you remember the look on someone’s face? Is it that you remember you cut someone off and now realize you want to know how they were going to finish their sentence? How often do you hear someone say “please let me finish my thought”?
Your first step, since you are already aware of the behavior, is to understand the impact it may be having on others. If you can honestly say it doesn’t bother people, that is important data. If you realize it might be hurting you or the projects you are working on because not everyone gets a hearing, that is another piece of data. The clearer you are about the impact of the behavior and what it is costing you, the more you will be able to tap into the motivation to self-regulate.
The thing about interrupting—and almost any habit we want to curtail—is that it is triggered by something. A few recognizable types of interrupting come to mind:
- Just excited: A common type of interrupting that springs from the excitement of a new idea. This tends to be grounded in the best of intentions. Although annoying, it is forgivable.
- Getting a word in edgewise: In many fast-paced environments, interrupting is the only way to get air time and everyone has to do it. This tends to be a cultural feature and you are probably in good company. Survival tactics are forgivable—and, indeed, often required.
- In my own head: Another kind of interrupting is simple obliviousness to other people. This tends to be less forgivable. Taking notes is a good way to get out of your head and into the flow of conversation.
- Shutting people down: The kind of interrupting—when someone is saying something you think is simply stupid or irrelevant—is the least forgivable and will eventually affect your relationships and your success. The only way to shift this kind of interrupting is to examine your attitude about others and work to change it. This might uncover a bigger problem, such as you are on the wrong team or in the wrong job or you routinely judge perfectly competent people and find them wanting. Useful to know.
Can you find yourself in one of these? The more you can understand what drives your behavior, the easier it will be to manage it.
The process that works for behavior change is to take the following steps:
- Notice the behavior and the impact it has on others.
- Decide that the behavior is making enough of a negative impact on your effectiveness with others that it is worth making the effort to change. Remember, it must be a choice.
- Pay attention to what is happening when you engage in the behavior. Watch for the spark that sets you off.
- Practice what you might do the next time a spark presents itself in a safe environment. Specifically for interrupting, it might be as simple as putting your hand over your mouth. If managing your energy is a problem, try doing something with your hands—knit, draw, needlepoint—anything that might help you to stay present. If you often interrupt because you get excited about an idea, always have a notebook on hand so you can make a note and not worry about forgetting your question or brilliant idea.
- Share your quest to change your behavior with your colleagues. This can only work with people you trust. If you notice that you interrupt because that is the only way to get any airtime, you can ask the meeting leader to make sure all are heard. Sharing that you are working on your tendency to interrupt may also garner you some feedback about the impact you have. You may find out that nobody minds—although that will probably not be the case.
- Experiment. Be kind to yourself when you fail or when you try something that isn’t effective. At least people will know you are trying.
- Keep track of your progress and what you did when you were successful. Discard methods that don’t work and keep repeating what does work.
- Before long, you will notice you have made a change. Don’t let your guard down, though. Stay alert to what might cause a relapse.
I recommend you don’t try to change anything else about yourself while you are actively working on your tendency to interrupt. Set your mind to making a shift and give yourself a good three months. I’ll bet you will see a big difference.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I lead a business unit for a global manufacturing company and have been in the role for about 18 months. I took over for someone who was completely checked out and it was a bit of a mess. It has taken me this long just to untangle the log jams and uncover all of the critical tasks that weren’t getting done. I had to replace a few key managers who weren’t enthusiastic about being held accountable.
All of the processes and systems are now up and running, and things are smooth enough that I have devoted some time to doing skip-level meetings with people who report to my executive team members. These have been enlightening, to say the least. It has become clear to me that one of my team members, who has delivered stellar results, has also created a toxic work environment. He yells at people in front of others and his team members live in fear of making a mistake. I believe it is only a matter of time before they start quitting in droves.
I was put in this job because my strength is process, so I am a little at sea about what to do about this situation. My instinct is to call him out in front of the rest of the team so he knows what that feels like, because that’s exactly what he is doing. I am so mad that this is the only thing I have come up with so far. Any ideas would be appreciated.
Process Master
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Dear Process Master,
Congratulations on your success.
Skip levels can indeed be illuminating. You have somehow earned enough trust in the organization that people are willing to tell the truth about their experience. The problem is now that you know, and people know you know, you do need to do something about it or you risk losing that trust.
The question is: what?
Your instinct is understandable and your hesitation is smart. You don’t want to role model the exact behaviors you are trying to curtail. You have already shifted the culture of the organization to be process focused. What else do you think is important to the culture? If culture is values in action, what are the values you want to see? There are clues in your allergic reaction to the way your direct report is treating his people.
If you see yelling at people—especially in front of others—as unacceptable, what should replace that behavior? Possibly this indicates that you think leaders should treat their people with respect and should give feedback in private. What exactly would that look like?
If people live in fear of making a mistake, how should mistakes be dealt with? The way you answer this question reveals the value you want your leaders to embody. Perhaps you think that mistakes reveal a lack of competence that needs to be addressed. This might represent the value of preparedness. Possibly you feel people have too much on their plates and need help to balance their workload. That might represent the value of fairness, say, or load balancing.
What else did you hear from your skip levels that leads you to diagnose the environment their leader has created as toxic? What exact specific things did you hear that the leader does that makes you believe people will quit in droves? This is the only way to shape the requests you can make of your direct report. It should be direct and straightforward, so that there is no confusion about the message you are sending.
It might sound something like this:
- “I understand you routinely yell at your people in front of their peers. That is not an effective way to build trust among your people. I request that you never raise your voice and offer redirection in private. Keep things matter of fact, never personal.”
- “I heard your people live in fear of making mistakes. I request that you treat people with respect and treat mistakes as information that something is not quite right. Get to bottom of what is causing the mistakes and fix it.”
- “Your results have been excellent, but you won’t be able to sustain them if everyone quits. So I need to see if you can produce the same results while creating an environment that people enjoy working in.”
Write down your requests, and, if possible, practice with someone safe. Do not allow yourself to make room for excuses or get drawn into a debate. That will take you down a road that will not serve you.
Once you make clear requests, make sure your direct report knows you will be following up to check on his compliance with them. Be ready to share the consequences he will face if he does not change his behavior. He has already seen that you will not tolerate lack of accountability, so that should work in your favor.
As the leader of your unit, it is your responsibility to share the values you expect your team to use as they lead their people. You seem to have gotten the message across that process alignment and task completion are the most important. Now you can add other values—maybe respect, or kindness, or appreciation for employees. One leader I worked with had a value he called “No Jerks.” His people knew exactly what that meant.
I can’t tell you what your values are—only you can sleuth those out by noticing what you don’t want. That will help you to articulate what you do want, what is most important, and what is unacceptable. Those are your values. Once you figure them out, share them with your people regularly. Use them to shape the feedback you give. Track the extent to which your leaders are guided by those values in performance reviews. As you know, anyone can get great results through bullying in the short term, but it will tank results in the long term.
I suspect you will rise to this new leadership challenge.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I have had a long and varied experience in law. I started as a public prosecutor in corporate law and rose quickly to reporting to the General Counsel.
My current boss isn’t going anywhere for a long time, and I feel ready to go for a GC position myself. I put feelers out at the beginning of January. I believed taking that step would put a lot of things in motion—ready or not—based on my past experience. And that is exactly what has happened.
I have some really interesting interviews coming up for GC roles that present considerable gaps for me (regarding technical knowledge, not leadership). I am thinking about how to be transparent about strengths and weaknesses (i.e., opportunities to develop) without arguing against myself. I like being in a little bit over my head and figuring it out, but this would be the deepest water yet.
Any framing/grounding thoughts you can share as I expose myself for what might be next?
Ready to Take the Leap
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Dear Ready to Take the Leap,
I am not a headhunter or a career expert, but I do have some thoughts based on working with clients who are always wrestling with getting hiring right. I think there might be some value to the perspective. I hope others with different expertise will add useful ideas in the comments, as well.
- Make sure you are interested and engaged in the company and the industry, and well versed in the challenges they face, so at the very least it’s clear that you’ve done your homework. The last time our board interviewed people for the CFO position, I was a little taken aback by how many final candidates did not bother to achieve even baseline knowledge of our industry.
- Study the CEO and ascertain what matters most to them. What is the vision, what are the values (if any), and how would you align with those in the job?
- You can’t pinpoint all the technical gaps you may have, because you won’t know what you don’t know until you get in there and roll your sleeves up. But maybe you can speak to one or two of them and make it clear you intend to close the gaps, should it come up. I think preparation to address concerns is your best bet on that.
- Clarify your top strengths for yourself. Based on your varied background, it sounds like you are a fast learner and have always depended on being able to figure things out. What else are you naturally gifted at, or what other skills have your developed along the way? Are you fast on your feet when decisions need to be made? Super calm in a crisis? A creative problem solver? Be prepared to share brief examples of how your strengths have been useful to your CEO or your team in the past.
- If a comprehensive job description exists—and I find that even in mature, well-run organizations that is not always the case, especially for the C-Suite level—be ready to address each expectation with how you will rise to it.
- Also be ready to emphasize any transferable experience and skills and how exactly you see them transferring to a different industry or company.
Finally, be prepared with questions that illustrate your curiosity about the business, the industry, and the culture. There is such a thing as a stupid question in this environment, so be sure not to ask something you could easily find answers to in the annual report. You might ask questions like:
- What do you think of as your “secret sauce”—the thing that differentiates your organization from (name a competitor)?
- Of all your strategic initiatives (extra points if you can name them), which is most critical right now?
Companies have two choices when hiring at the C level: either find someone who has already worked at that level (who usually demands a much higher salary) or take a risk with someone who is stepping up. There are advantages to each choice. The advantage of going with someone stepping up is more drive, hunger to prove themselves, willingness to try new things, and humility. You won’t be set in your ways, you will work hard to learn and find the best way. I would say given the kind of complexity any company is dealing with these days, that would be an asset. The more you can demonstrate those qualities—with, of course, the appropriate gravitas—the better off you will be.
Finally, preparation is your friend. Practice with a friend, mentor, or partner and give them some classic behavioral interviewing questions so you can respond with well thought through, succinct answers. Here are some behavioral interviewing questions you can use to get started:
- Describe a situation in which there was a lot of disagreement and you needed to influence your leadership team to consider the option you were proposing more closely.
- Discuss how you have dealt with a tight deadline that required you and your team to go above and beyond the usual.
- What is the worst mistake you have made, and how did you deal with the consequences?
You can ask our friend Google for more examples. It will help you feel ready for anything. Good luck with your big leap. I have a feeling you will land in the right place.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I have raised three children while working full time. I am now a senior executive. I love my job and am normally a very even-keeled, cheerful person.
Recently, however, I am feeling out of sorts. What does it mean when everything is irritating and everyone is aggravating? Thought you might have some ideas for me.
Vexed
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Dear Vexed,
These days, of course, my first thought is that you might be coming down with Covid, the flu, RSV, strep throat, bronchitis, or pneumonia.
Once you’ve ruled that out, you have to look at the big life events that, even if positive, can cause massive stress. On the positive list, are you moving your home? Getting married? Planning a wedding for one of your kids? Have you gotten a puppy? (Don’t even get me started on the puppy thing.) All of those events can really knock you off center, even if they are wonderful and fun. And then the not-so-fun biggie: Perhaps you have lost someone you love recently and are still grieving, but are thinking you should be over it by now. I find that grief lasts a lot longer than anyone wants it to . And it can wreak all kinds of havoc.
If you aren’t sure, you can take the assessment on The American Institute of Stress website. There was no mention of global pandemics or significant political unrest, so that page needs to be updated.
If it isn’t big life stuff, it may be that you are tolerating entirely too much.
Tolerations are seemingly inconsequential little things that drain away your energy. Thomas Leonard, a trailblazer in the coaching profession, coined the word to describe all of the small stuff that takes up mental space and distracts us from the task at hand. Tolerations have a way of accumulating, like barnacles on the hull of a ship. A few are not a problem, but layers of them seriously impede the vessel’s speed and seaworthiness. A ship covered in barnacles will require twice the fuel to get to its destination than a ship with none.
It is such a simple construct, the idea of tolerations. These dumb little things, taken by themselves, are not a big deal—but when they add up they can make you feel like you are carrying rocks everywhere you go. Everyone has a critical mass. Some can put up with a lot more than others. The way you know yours has been reached is exactly how you described it: everything is irritating and everyone is aggravating.
Make a list of all the dumb little things you are putting up with around your house, at work, in your relationships. Identify a few you can knock down today or this week. You will be back on an even keel.
Examples might be helpful:
- You walk five miles a day and your shoes are shot.
- Your dog keeps scarfing food off the counter whenever you turn your back.
- The light bulb on your front porch is out and you can’t see well enough to put your key in the lock. And you live someplace really cold.
- Someone at work keeps scheduling meetings over meetings you have committed to. They can easily see your available time but are somehow not checking.
- You never wear half of what’s in your closet, and there is no room for new things.
- You have stuff in your freezer from 2019.
- Your folder system on your computer is outdated and it takes 6 clicks to get to the stuff you are currently working on.
- Someone has stolen your phone charger in the kitchen so you can’t plug it in so you can listen to your podcasts while making dinner.
- You know you are paying for subscriptions you never use but haven’t taken the time to cancel all of them.
- The person in the household who is supposed to take the trash out has to be asked. Repeatedly.
- The person who thinks you should be taking the trash out has a different definition of full than you do.
- You need new windshield wipers, but only remember when it rains.
- Every time you pick up your mail, you swear to yourself you will move everything to paperless billing, but you keep forgetting.
- You need a new battery for your TV remote. It still kind of works, but only sporadically. It needs a special battery that you never have on hand.
- Your favorite plant is doing so well that it needs to be re-potted.
- You are tired of your book club but worry that quitting will hurt someone’s feelings.
- You are a serious golfer and hate your putter.
- Someone in your life does not plan well, and they consistently try to make their perfectly avoidable emergencies your problem.
See? Little things. Dumb. No big deal. But you probably have over 25 right now, which is the upper limit for most people. Get some of them off the list, and you will be back to your cheerful, even-keeled self in no time. I promise.
Tolerations tend to build up over time, and I highly recommend making a list twice a year and creating a plan to address them all. It feels amazing.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
My organization instituted a mentoring program a few years ago. We have a cool online system so that prospective mentees can review bios and request people who have signed up to be mentors. I have been chosen by a few people and have really enjoyed being a mentor.
Our system provides some guidelines to mentors but it isn’t a lot of information, and I have some questions. Our HR person didn’t have many answers for me so I thought I should ask you.
I notice that you are a coach and I am wondering: what do you think the difference is between coaching and mentoring? What is my responsibility as a mentor? How do I know how much is enough? What is too much? What if I hear something that I think should be reported to my mentee’s boss? That hasn’t happened yet, but I find that it can get pretty personal. What else do I need to know?
Wondering
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Dear Wondering,
What a fun question! Thanks! First, you are a good egg to sign up to mentor. It can be great fun, and you can certainly learn a lot, but it is a service you are providing.
Although I am told that nobody buys or reads books anymore, I still must recommend the one that Ken Blanchard wrote with Claire Diaz-Ortiz (who is staggeringly cool, look her up). It’s called One Minute Mentoring: How to Find and Work with a Mentor—And Why You’ll Benefit from Being One.
The book is an easy and fun read and will fill in some gaps for you.
A couple of pointers though:
- Establish desired outcomes. The first thing you will want to establish in a mentoring relationship is what the mentee hopes to accomplish by working with a mentor. This will help you to build a road map for the relationship, and to know if you have done a good job at the end.
- Designate a timeline. You will want to establish a time limit for the mentoring relationship as well, not that you can’t choose to carry on when you have reached the finish line, if both parties agree. But designating a timeline eliminates any discomfort around calling it quits if the goals have been accomplished, or if either party wants to move on.
- Create a partnership agreement. How will you work together? How will you give each other feedback if the need arises? How will you deal with it if you disagree about a course of action?
- Design a structure. You can tweak the agreement as you go but putting form to the function is important. Will you meet in person, on the phone, or on Zoom? How often and for how long? Maybe agree on a midpoint check-in to assess if things are going as well as you’d both like.
- Track progress. It should be the mentee’s job to create a written record of the goals, commitments, accomplishments, and insights gained over the course of the mentoring relationship. It will help you both to recognize the value of your time spent together.
- Let the mentee drive the relationship. This is my opinion, but being a mentor is a service and I don’t think it is up to you to chase after your mentee. If the mentee is not taking the work seriously, you can certainly make that observation. If the mentee is not showing up for meetings, you can ask what is going on. You can also ask if there is anything you have done or said that has turned off the mentee. That is keeping up your end of the bargain, and you can leave it at that.
- Determine the confidentiality parameters. To answer your question, “What if I hear something?”—I am a fan of the “cone of silence,” so that mentees can feel safe to be themselves and share things they aren’t comfortable sharing with anyone else. This demands your commitment to never, ever reveal anything you learn about your mentee unless you have a legal obligation to do so. I am hoping that your organization has provided some guidelines on this; maybe it is buried in the fine print. You may have a duty to escalate anything you hear about:
- Serious mental health issues like suicidal ideation.
- Anything that might become a lawsuit. For example, suppose your mentee is suffering from what sounds like a form of harassment. Because you are an agent of the organization, if your mentee can show that he spoke to someone in the organization about the problem and nothing was done—even if he asked you not to do anything—it could blow up in your face.
- Illegal activity. For example, if your mentee suspects that her boss or a colleague is stealing, sharing trade secrets, or is engaging in other nefarious behaviors.
I know that these parameters apply to our professional coaches. Of course, your first line of defense will always be to encourage your mentee to escalate to HR or a mental health professional. They may just need your help to distinguish fact from speculation or, worst case, to find the courage to escalate if that is appropriate.
Traditionally, the mentor’s job includes:
- Being a role model: Engaging in distinct activities and displaying behaviors that are role specific.
- Consulting: Sharing information or expertise about the industry, company, or business unit that the mentor believes is relevant to the mentee.
- Brokering: Making introductions to powerful, influential, and otherwise useful individuals in the industry or organization.
- Advocating: Promoting the mentee’s work assignments or career development to help the mentee’s growth and development.
- Championing: Listening to the mentee’s interests, passions, and strengths, and encouraging them to ask for what they need to grow.
Mentors will often find themselves in a coaching conversation. This can happen when a goal is not crystal clear, or when a problem is overwhelmingly complex. In these situations, coaching can be used to create clarity. Coaching is a great tool when the mentor does not have enough expertise to add the most value or give advice. Coaching conversations promote discovery, generate insights, and clarify purposeful action for another. When this kind of thing crops up, listen carefully, reflect back what you are hearing, and ask open ended questions. Here are some classic coaching questions that you might deploy, depending on the situation:
- What is most important right now?
- What is working well/not working the way you’d like?
- What is getting in your way/stopping you?
- What is driving you/sustaining you?
- What are you assuming here?
- What belief might not be serving you?
- What are you resisting?
- What are you allowing/tolerating?
- How have you contributed to this situation?
- How might you change the narrative?
- How are you going to make this decision?
- What question should we be asking right now?
As one recent webinar participant pithily noted, a mentor will answer your questions while a coach will question your answers. Often, it is true that the mentor would rather be the brilliant one with all the answers, while the coach is dedicated to the mentee being the brilliant one. And if the match is made in heaven, you will both be brilliant.
Do these conversations tend to blend together and overlap? Sure, they do. Ultimately, if you accept that your number one job is to advocate for the mentee’s best self and best interest, you will have to trust yourself and use your good judgment.
I hope your mentoring experience continues to be a positive experience!
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I work for a bioengineering company that was a successful startup. It is now well into its seventh year and we still have our founding CEO. As the fairly new COO, I report directly to him and he is driving me insane. Every time he and the other leaders in the organization meet, we have new conversations but never follow up on past conversations. The agenda for these meetings is never clear, much less sent out in advance so that we can prepare.
I knew working for a founding CEO was going to be a challenge, but I just don’t see how anything is going to get done the way we are operating. Any tips for corralling our CEO?
Trying to Get a Grip
_______________________________________________________________
Dear Trying to Get a Grip,
It sounds like your boss fits the classic profile of the entrepreneur CEO: action oriented, risk taking, fast moving, and wildly creative. I grant these kinds of leaders can be maddening for others who are process and detail oriented. Since you are at the executive leadership level, would it be crazy for you to take on organization of leadership team meetings? Obviously you would want to ask your CEO first and get his agreement. He might just be waiting for someone else to take it on.
You could organize the meetings into sections:
- Old action items, with updates on actions taken and obstacles to be aware of
- New topics, with clearly stated owner of each topic and desired outcomes
- News and announcements
This is just off the top of my head, but these are fairly standard. If you feel strongly about having an agenda, you will probably have to put it together yourself. If your CEO has a chief of staff it would be that person’s job, but it doesn’t sound like that is the case. You would have to ask your fellow leaders to give you their agenda items in time for you to put them on the agenda.
Another thing that might help you to gain some clarity on all of the conversations is some distinction for the kind of conversation you are having at a given time. When talking about possibilities, there are three kinds of conversations:
- Speculative: When you are brainstorming possibilities or an idea for something you might take on.
- Planning and evaluation: When you are attracted to an idea and are now playing it out and poking at what it might look like to execute if you decided it was worthwhile. You are playing devil’s advocate, sharing examples, anticipating obstacles, and evaluating whether a course of action would achieve the desired outcome.
- Decision making: You are deciding on a project or course of action and determining whether or not you will go ahead with it. This is where, as a team, you can use a RACI chart to make sure everyone knows (1) who is ultimately responsible for execution and achieving the outcome, (2) who needs to be accountable to that person for specific action items, (3) who needs to be consulted, and (4) who needs to be kept informed. For this conversation, you can flag specific milestone dates to put into that week’s meeting agenda so that the responsible team member can share updates.
I don’t know where these distinctions came from, but I learned them from my husband who is the president of our company and who fits your CEO’s profile. He would throw out ideas only to find out weeks later, to his dismay, that someone had started to execute them. He had to train his leadership and extended leadership team to recognize the difference between speculation conversations, planning and evaluation conversations, and decision making conversations. You might consider sharing these distinctions with your CEO so at any given moment you can ask what kind of conversation you are having.
If you try just these two ideas, I suspect you will feel a little more sane. Your CEO will still be himself, but there will be a bit more discipline in place so that the whole team will feel more grounded.
It sounds like you have your hands full but are in a position to add value and make an impact. Good luck.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am in leadership development and talent management for a global manufacturing firm. A reorganization initiative will take place early in the second quarter of this year, causing some redundancies and a reduction in personnel. We know this change will bring a lot of anxiety and we’re trying to put some resources in place to help people understand and prepare for what’s going to happen.
Very specific parts of the business will be affected, which will create stress across the organization. Most of the resources I’ve seen are framed around managing a crisis. But we don’t view this reorganization as a crisis—we see it as part of our cost reduction and growth story.
How do we help leaders support their teams in this challenging time? How can we still retain our best talent and keep them engaged and focused on our long-term objectives?
It would be great to have your perspective on this topic.
Managing the Reorg
_____________________________________________________________________
Dear Managing the Reorg,
You are right—if you can help people feel that a reorganization is simply a normal part of business life, everyone will be better off. And, ultimately, the more information you can share with people, the better.
In our change model (you can find an e-book on the topic here), the first stage of concern is Information Concerns. Managers can often handle most of these concerns in groups, which can be a time saver.
People with Information Concerns want to know:
- What’s really going on?
- What’s wrong with the way things are now?
- What do we hope to accomplish?
- Why now?
- What opportunity will I have to raise questions and voice my concerns?
- How do people I respect feel about this change?
The next stage, which is often overlooked or given short shrift, is Personal Concerns. Managers might perceive employees at this stage to be overly self-absorbed or even whiny, so the urge to avoid conversations is strong; however, people may need a safe forum to share difficult emotions such as fear or guilt. Managers may also be tempted to avoid tackling personal concerns because they may not have answers to all the questions being asked. If that’s the case, they should tell the truth and commit to brainstorming and design thinking sessions to figure things out.
It can be a challenge to surface these concerns in group settings, so time-starved managers will need to schedule additional one-on-one conversations. This is an excellent investment of time early in the process, because addressing personal concerns early and well will prevent unpleasant surprises down the road. Allowing people to express their feelings generally diffuses their fears.
People with Personal Concerns want to know:
- How will the change impact me personally?
- Will I win or lose?
- Will my workload increase?
- How will my relationships be impacted?
- Will I be able to figure out how to get things done in a new way?
- How do I find the extra time I will need?
Our CHRO, Kristen Costello, invented a novel approach to ensuring that we retain our best people. It is called the Triple R Conversation. It is a powerful, focused, and detailed take on a stay conversation. The three Rs stand for Reflect, Reconnect, and Revisit. This conversation requires that manager and employee have a trusting relationship.
The employee is asked to prepare by reflecting on why they have stayed, how invested they are in the mission of the organization, what they enjoy most about their job, and what their biggest challenges are. In the conversation, the manager gets more detail about the person’s career goals and their hopes and dreams. The manager also shares ideas and plans that might be considered. They continue to show an interest in the person’s growth and evolution after the meeting. It is critical that the manager not make promises they aren’t certain they can keep—that will do more harm than good.
For more detail and some excellent questions, read this article: Take a “Triple R” Approach to Stay Interviews by Kristen Brookins Costello. The best time to start having these kinds of conversations is right now. They create an outstanding foundation that will serve to help everyone weather any storm that might be coming.
One thing I have observed over years of working with senior leaders managing change is that by the time the change is announced, they have been thinking about it and discussing it with their peers for so long that they are bored with the whole thing. It is easy to forget how disconcerting it was—and the sheer volume of adrenaline that was released—when they first heard about the change. It is easy to forget that they have had a chance to process their own concerns for months, and just because they are over it and ready to move on doesn’t mean others are. This is especially true for leaders who are not only accustomed to a lot of change but who thrive on change. It can be hard for them to remember that most of their employees are not like them at all.
To sum it up, here are some do’s and don’ts for change conversations:
Managers must:
- Share as much information as they can
- Stay positive about the reasons for the change
- Draw attention to the mission of the business and how the change will help fulfill that mission
- Trust that any employees who leave the organization will get proper support and will most likely find comparable work in other companies
- Listen for the stages of concern from the employee, reflect back what they hear, and give the person a chance to experience emotions without judging
- Answer questions when they can and commit to finding answers or coming up with an answer as a team when they can’t
- Remember that many individuals can become very alarmed in the face of change, even if the reasons for the change make sense to them
- Express empathy for how hard change can be for some people
- Prioritize group and one-on-one conversations about the change
- Show an interest in each individual who reports to them and demonstrate a willingness to help each person grow and develop by asking thoughtful questions
Managers must not:
- Allow their workload or their attitude about the tedium of change management to interfere with helping everyone understand the details and implications for the change
- Reveal negative opinions about the change – their own or other leaders
- Blame or demonize any one person or group of people for requiring the change
- Cast doubt on decisions that have been made
- Overdramatize the situation by using language that casts people who still have jobs as lucky or those who don’t as doomed
- Try to get away with superficial check-ins; e.g., asking someone how they are doing and not really paying attention to the response
- Show impatience with how much time some people need to process
- Judge voicing concerns to be naysaying or a challenge to the change
- Give in to the impulse to tell people to get on with it—people will come around at different speeds and pushing will only spark resistance
Just as we were all getting used to living in a VUCA world (Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, and Ambiguous), now we are tasked with operating in a BANI world (Brittle, Anxious, Non-linear, and Incomprehensible). If this language is new for you, or intriguing, you might like: What BANI Really Means. As a student of history, I would submit that the BANI moments are more a part of our common experience than we believe. We are all just muddling through, grappling with the human condition.
The best things a leader can do to take care of their people during a change are pay attention, listen a lot, reassure when they can, and be kind.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I have risen through the ranks of my organization very quickly. Last year I took on a lot of new responsibilities with almost no direction, did a good job, and got a raise and a promotion. My boss, the president of the company, has told me several times that he sees me as partner material.
One of my superpowers is figuring things out—but I fear I have reached my limit in one area.
I keep asking my boss for more clarity on what is expected of me to be able to reach partner. And he keeps saying I need to become “more comfortable with ambiguity.” It is maddening. If I knew what I was supposed to be doing, I would be doing it. But he won’t tell me.
Any ideas for me on how to break through this impasse?
Flying Blind
______________________________________________________________________
Flying Blind,
You have just described the exact conundrum of making the leap from operational leadership to strategic leadership. When you reach the top ranks of any organization, the biggest shift is that there is no longer anyone to tell you what to do. What your boss is trying to express is that at the level you are playing, it is up to you to use your best judgment and make it up.
What most people don’t realize (until they are doing it) is that executive leadership is a wildly creative—and risky—business. When people are young, a little naïve, and lacking in experience, it can be incredibly exciting. When people have suffered the pain of making expensive mistakes, it can be terrifying.
Here is an article published recently: “The Ultimate Test: What I learned about leadership from Covid-19” that lays out exactly what I mean.
Managing ambiguity literally means figuring out how to get things done when things are not clear, nothing is certain, and there is no road map. It means looking at the whole picture and envisioning the path from where things are now to where you and the other senior leaders say you want to be.
Almost nothing you have been good at or thought you knew up till now is going to help you much, but it can be a good foundation. You will be required to let go of your addiction to checking tasks off your list and get comfortable with moving from incomplete task to incomplete task. For people who define themselves by their ability to get things done, this is a mind-bending transition. Get used to spending your time sharing your vision for the direction your people need to go and experimenting with approaches. Be prepared to adapt as new information comes in, and to pivot if necessary.
The metaphor that has been helpful to many is instead of checkers, you are now playing chess. Instead of moving all your pieces across the board quickly in a day or a week, you will now be lucky to make one or two moves in that time. Each move will require a lot of thought and consideration, frequent checking with others on the team, and possibly accepting a temporary fix until new information is revealed. It is dealing with constant change—and the job is never done.
One thing you can’t do on your own is decide on strategic imperatives. If your boss cannot articulate those, you can push for the leadership team to make decisions on what they are. Once you have those, and a sense of a budget, you will have to make up the rest.
Hopefully, you have organizational values to guide your decisions. If you don’t, you will have to decide on your own leadership values. That means you must know what is most important. That is a whole can of worms in itself and you can find more on that here. If your organization has not spent the time to articulate its values, you can advocate for putting some attention on that. Get some arguments for doing that here.
To be a partner means to be a co-owner with the other partners. Your boss is waiting for you to be brave. So be brave.
Make a plan for what you think needs to be done for you and your people to achieve, or even exceed, the strategic goals that have been set. Do you have the right people in the right seats? (Do they have the skills to do the job the way it needs to be done?) If not, how will you address that issue? Do you have all the resources you need? What hasn’t been thought about yet? What obstacles need to be cleared?
Let me be clear here: this is not a plan for how you will make partner. It is a plan for how you will lead your people to accomplish what needs to be done for the organization. It isn’t about you, it is about the success of your team and the organization.
Lay out the path for how you will do everything. Make a list of the unknowns and the obstacles you can see today. You will be worried that you’ve made mistakes, that you’ve missed something, and that it won’t be perfect—which will almost certainly be the case. That’s OK. No one and nothing is perfect right out of the gate.
Take your plan to your boss as your best guess of what you think you should be doing in the next 12 to 18 months and see what he says. Talk it through, get feedback, and share it with other leaders in the organization. If you think you are right about something that others disagree with, have the courage of your convictions and make your case. Or, if you think someone else’s point of view makes sense, let yourself be influenced. Then tweak the plan, share it with your team, and go.
You have passed the point of studying for the quiz and getting 100% and a gold star. You are now in unknown territory where you have to make your own map, and the test is about making decisions in the absence of enough information. Not only are there no gold stars on offer now, you will be surrounded by people who think they could do it better if they were in your shoes.
You say you have reached your limit for figuring things out? I say you are just getting started. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. You are signing up for a bumpy but exciting ride!
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is on holiday break this week and will return with new questions from readers beginning on January 7th. While on break—and as we move into the new year, Madeleine suggested this advice she offered a reader looking for some help succeeding with New Year’s resolutions. Use this link to see the original question and Madeleine’s complete response.
Join Madeleine next week for a new year of advice for well-intentioned managers!
- Pick one big thing. Probably the main reason people don’t achieve their goals—other than lack of deep personal commitment—is that they have set too many. So your angst that you may be loading up on goals is probably spot on. As you swing back to normal after a big holiday season, you are already behind, so you must manage your own expectations. Choose one big thing and let the rest go.
- Get Support. Lots of it. Change is hard, no matter what it is—and if you’re trying to break an addiction like nicotine or sugar, it is doubly hard. The brain craves anything that causes a predictable release of dopamine, so you’ll need more support than you think you do. Tapering off can help, as can support groups, a buddy, keeping a journal, daily acknowledgment, or asking for help from your guardian angel or whatever you know to be your higher power.
- Break it Down. You have one big goal. Break it down into small sub-goals or daily commitments. Ask yourself: What can I do, every day, to keep myself on track? Make a chart and check off something every day. (I’m sure there’s an app for this, but I’m committed to reducing my screen time, so I go with paper.)
- Make it Compelling: Now let’s loop back to my first point, which is that you really have to care about doing the work to achieve your goal. You can’t do it for your spouse, your kids, your dad, or anyone else, no matter how much you care about them. So, choose something you really, really want. It doesn’t matter if it isn’t a big deal to anyone else, or if it isn’t going to make you a better person. If you really care, there is a chance you will succeed.
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
2022 will be remembered as a year of continued change as workers adapt to a post-COVID, hybrid work environment. This was reflected in the questions Madeleine received from her readers. Here is a list of this year’s top five, most-viewed columns. Madeleine will be back on January 7th with a new year of questions from well-meaning managers—possibly yours?
Feel Like a Fraud?
A reader who started at an entry-level position, got an MBA, and rose steadily in her company shares being dogged by a feeling that she isn’t quite as good or quite as smart as others think she is. Madeleine shares how imposter syndrome troubles many well-meaning leaders and how to address it. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/feel-like-a-fraud-ask-madeleine
Serious “Resting Face” Issues?
Madeleine helps a friendly, but somewhat serious, manager who has been told she told she has a resting b%# face. Madeleine commiserates and shares some strategies. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/serious-resting-face-issues-ask-madeleine
Boss Is Always Criticizing You?
Madeleine offers practical tips for a reader dealing with a new boss who is constantly criticizing everything they do and seems to be trying to make them feel terrible in small and large ways. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/boss-is-always-criticizing-you-ask-madeleine
Not Sure about Blowing the Whistle?
A reader asks a COVID-related question that begs a bigger discussion of what to do when you face an ethical dilemma. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/not-sure-about-blowing-the-whistle-ask-madeleine
Considering Working with a Coach?
Madeleine helps a reader sort through the pros and cons of working with a coach—including some key questions to ask. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/considering-working-with-a-coach-ask-madeleine
Do you have a question for Madeleine? Send an email to madeleine.blanchard@kenblanchard.com. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each email personally. Questions will be edited for clarity and length.
Best Wishes for the New Year!
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Dear Madeleine,
I live and work in a third-world country. I got scholarships and completed a master’s degree in business and computer science and have an excellent, high-paying job. I have built a strong team of people who work for me. My problem isn’t them, it is the culture we work in.
Many of my employees are very late or miss work completely because the public transportation system is terrible. When it rains, buses get stuck in mud and many of my people don’t even try to get in. One very dependable woman always got to work because she rode a bicycle, but someone stole it so now she walks the six miles to work. The people who have cars often must lend them to family members or must save up to have them fixed. I have tried to set things up so that my employees can work remotely, but the internet is often spotty or nonexistent.
I keep setting goals that I think I should be able to meet, but I can’t seem to make any headway with employees who often can’t get to work. My boss understands the situation, of course—everyone has the same problem. But nobody seems to care much about doing anything to fix it. I was wondering what you would say.
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
_________________________________________________________
Dear One Step Forward, Two Steps Back,
I very much appreciate that you asked, and I wish I had a magic wand for you. I can hear your frustration; it sounds like you are swimming upstream. My question is: do you care about doing something to fix it?
As with any deep frustration, you have three choices:
- You can decide to do something and act.
For example, you could gather your team (on a good day with no rain) to brainstorm possible solutions. You might lobby to have your company provide transportation for its employees or pay for upgraded, more reliable internet service so your people can work remotely when needed. If your boss doesn’t care about your inability to achieve your goals, this might be tricky. It sounds like he might be resigned to the status quo. If you try some creative problem solving with your team and your boss, perhaps convince your company to make some investments, you might be able to affect some improvements.
- You can choose to do nothing and accept things as they are.
This is a legitimate choice. Ultimately, you must discern what is within your control and what is not. Then choose how to respond to the inconveniences and vexations that arise.
- You can leave the situation.
You can look for another job that would not require you to depend on people who can’t get to work. It sounds like the issue is widespread and you like your job, so this may not be a solution for you.
I encourage you to do anything you can to improve the chances of your people being able to do their jobs. Then keep your plans flexible and let the rest go.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine,
I am a sales manager for a specific product in a large US company. My team is small and we all work very hard. As a result, I applied to hire a new team member to accommodate the sharp increase in opportunities.
I ended up going with an internal hire who came from another sales team. I will call him K. He got up to speed pretty quickly and seemed to settle in well. At about the same time he started, my boss, the EVP of sales, rolled out a new CRM system.
Even though learning a new system was stressful for everyone, we all got a lot of training. This system does things our old one didn’t do, so we were all enthusiastic about the change.
We are now held accountable for several new tasks as part of our sales approach. One is to ask for introductions to other potential buyers in the organizations we sell to and to provide detailed records of this effort. Another is to keep detailed notes of all contacts that are made.
Most everyone on the team, except K, seems to have found a groove with these new requirements. We all keep the system open all day and enter information as we go. It isn’t hard once you get the hang of it. K, on the other hand, is using his old system of keeping his incremental activity in a notepad. He claims he will enter everything at the end of the week.
Part of my job is to go into the system at the end of each week and create a report for my boss of all activity. The first month we were all on a learning curve, but now, three months in, K’s records are spotty at best. I am cc’d on a lot of emails and also have attended some of K’s sales calls, so I know for a fact that some information is not where it should be.
I have spoken to K about this three times and pointed out the gaps where things are missing. I’ve asked him if he is having trouble getting the hang of the new system. Last Friday I offered to sit with him and help while he got all of his information in, but he declined. He tells me he will absolutely pay more attention to putting his information in, but then Friday comes and—no change.
My boss is concerned and is challenging me to confront K, but I just don’t know what to do when he keeps yessing me and then not doing anything differently. I don’t know if he is just not taking me seriously, if he thinks I am pushover, or if he thinks he can fly under the radar forever. I don’t want to be mean, but how do I get across that he needs to step it up and comply with using the new system properly?
Being Yessed
___________________________________________________________________
Dear Being Yessed,
This kind of situation is so frustrating. Being unable to gain insight into what is getting in the way of someone doing what they say they are going to do (and what they need to do) leads inevitably to speculation about what is going on in their head. Speculating can lead to making assumptions, which can lead to all kinds of trouble.
Our time-tested performance management model, SLII®, would suggest that K is stuck at the development stage called “the disillusioned learner.” This stage is a deeply unpleasant combination of low competence, often a lack of confidence, and low commitment to improving. It can look a lot like an attitude problem. If you as the leader cannot successfully help him find his way past it, this stage could easily be terminal—meaning you would have to let him go.
I think one fair assumption is that something is getting in the way of K’s lack of compliance. The only way to find out what it is, is to ask him. You can start with questions like:
- What is stopping you from using the system the way the rest of us do and keeping track of your activity as you go?
- What is really going on with you?
- Do you understand that our keeping detailed reports is a requirement? That it is not optional? That I am held accountable by my boss to ensure compliance, and that I am now getting in trouble?
- Do you understand why my boss and I both think having accurate records is important?
- What do you think might help you to get the proper records done by end of business every Friday?
- What kind of support or extra training might be helpful?
If K persists in shutting you out, you can explain that your job is to partner with him to help him be successful, but he has to meet you halfway. If that doesn’t help, you can explain that compliance with basic processes is a condition of employment, and if he is unwilling or unable to do the job the way it needs to be done, you will have no choice but to replace him. That sounds harsh, but it is the truth. You can tell the truth as long as it is without blame or judgment, and it might actually get the message across.
You may or may not be able to compel K to change, and you need to be prepared to respond appropriately. Be ready to explain the consequences of his choices.
You can certainly ask if there is anything you are doing that is contributing to the situation—but ultimately try to not make it about you. Keep the focus on K and what he needs.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Madeleine, I am the operations lead for a region in a global manufacturing company. I oversee physical plants and offices, and work closely with HR around issues of safety and compliance and supply chain. You name it, most problems end up on my desk. I manage four teams that report to me. I am…
Dear Madeleine, I have been managing people for years. All the companies I have worked for have provided solid training. I’ve always felt like I knew what I was doing—until now. The last training course I completed was packed with great content, but it ended up making me feel totally overwhelmed. I agreed, in theory,…
Dear Madeleine, I am an experienced executive. A few years ago, my company created a mentoring program. I have really enjoyed mentoring young new hires and have done several six-month stints. My first mentee and I have stayed in close touch and have become friendly. The kid is a rock star at work and has…
Dear Madeleine, I manage a team in a large company that recently went to an Unlimited PTO policy. I am glad, because tracking and trying to get people to take their PTO was a pain. So far, it has worked pretty well. The policy is that people need to request holiday time in advance, mainly…
Dear Madeleine, I work in a company that has recently gone to a matrix environment. It is kind of a disaster because no one seems to know what that means. Trying to get anyone to make a decision so I can move forward with projects on a deadline is making work incredibly stressful. I pride…
Dear Madeleine I work at a large global company. I was recruited right out of college. I was homeschooled, went to college early, and completed my undergrad and masters in four years. I only mention this to explain how I am a senior manager at 30. The only people who know my age are in…
Dear Madeleine, I am the CEO of a small but rapidly growing global employee relocation services organization. It is a complicated business. One of the complexities is that employment laws are different in every country and they change constantly. Our chief legal counsel is very talented and business savvy. But when we are trying to…
Dear Madeleine, I have had a film/video production business with a cofounder and partner for about seven years. We have been friends since college. I am the business operations and sales guy; my partner is the creative one. Some difficulties in our company were coming to a head right before Covid hit. We ended up…
Dear Madeleine, I recently graduated from college and started my first job. The job I was offered was the one I wanted, but on my first day I was moved to a different department and given a job that does not come close to the description of the job I signed up for. The person…
Dear Madeleine, I have had uncanny success in my company. I am extremely competitive and incredibly focused, and I work really hard because I live in fear of disappointing my boss or my customers. Now my boss wants to put me in charge of a whole region—to open an office with about 75 people reporting…
Dear Madeleine, I am at my wit’s end. I am pretty sure my boss has ADHD. She jokes that she doesn’t have it but causes it in others, but it isn’t funny—because ever since I started reporting to her, my life has been total chaos. On every project, no sooner is the plan written up…
Dear Madeleine, In the middle of the pandemic, I took a job that I love and am good at. At the time, my boss made it very clear that the job was classified as “remote” and the deal was that I would never need to work in the office. This wasn’t just because everyone was…
Dear Madeleine, Your advice has been very helpful in the past, so I couldn’t stop myself from writing to you again about a tricky situation. I have recently taken over the area of learning and development as part of my portfolio. With that came the discussion of a resource with my boss. My boss suggested a…
Dear Madeleine, I am a junior partner in a small investment firm. My job is huge—there is always more to do than time to do it. Last year, the firm hired a junior analyst to work with me. I did my best, but things just didn’t work out. He worked very slowly, made lots of…
Dear Madeleine, I am seeking your guidance. I am studying for a BA in human resource management and will be completing my degree program within the next six months. I must submit a final research paper. I need to find a topic and put a plan together fast, but I am struggling. Will you assist me…
Dear Madeleine, I lead a team of eight employees. One of them is dealing with a personal crisis outside of work and I can see he is struggling. This isn’t the first time I’ve had an employee dealing with crisis, given COVID, but somehow I have managed to get by. I want to be the…
Dear Madeleine, What do I do if I just can’t connect with one of my direct reports? I was recently promoted and inherited a whole new team in addition to the one I had before. The team is good and was well led (the leader left for another opportunity). I get along really well with…
Dear Madeleine, I manage three large global teams. They do similar customer service, but for different product lines. They all have very seasoned team leads and produce excellent results. Our business really took off because of the pandemic and we implemented a data-driven way to measure results that has worked well. For a long time…
Dear Madeleine, Is it naïve to want people to like me? I have been very successful at sales and developing partnerships in my job, partially because I am so good at knowing how to relate to people and getting them to like me. But recently I am beginning to wonder if having people like me—and…
Dear Madeleine, I have a couple of questions about networking that I was hoping you could help me with. I am pretty good at walking up to people and networking with them these days. I also message people on LinkedIn asking for chats. But I struggle to turn network connections into something deeper and more…
Dear Madeleine, I manage a small team for a startup health and wellbeing subscription platform. I was super excited at the beginning—the founders seemed to have the right values and care about their employees. As time has passed, though, the competition has increased and none of the strategic targets have been met. With every all-company…
Dear Madeleine, A few years back, I started working for a boutique real estate investment trust (REIT) company. I was inadvertently so good at it that I was made a junior partner in two years. I relocated to California to open the West Coast office and my opening move was to land a massive deal.…
Dear Madeleine, I am a talent acquisition leader with a midsize tech company. I built my team from scratch in the past year. We are a high performing team that is greatly appreciated by our stakeholders. Like many companies out there, ours is seeing the impact of inflation and economic downturn. Many organizations are putting…
Dear Madeleine, I have a problem with lying. Yes. I am a liar. But I’m not a compulsive liar by any means. What I mean is for a long while I’ve been thinking about little lies that most everyone I know so easily uses—and it bugs me a lot. I’ve analyzed how these “little white…
Dear Madeleine, I have a new friend at work, and she is so great. At least she was. We met when we volunteered to be on a committee for a big company community outreach event. We work in different areas of the company. I have been here a lot longer, and am senior to her,…
Dear Madeleine, I am a senior leader who reports to an SVP. I lead a business unit for a region. I recently had a one-on-one with my boss—a rare thing—and she gave me some feedback I am grappling with. My company recently started doing pulse surveys, so I thought she might want to talk about…
Dear Madeleine, I manage a team that has been working together for a long time, although one person recently left. Her replacement is a new high performer who is settling nicely into the job. He has all the experience and skills we were looking for, but he hasn’t quite figured out our culture or the…
Dear Madeleine, I manage a massive sales function for a software company. I am so exhausted from all my people quitting! What is going on? At the end of the Q1, FOUR of my managers quit. And a month ago, my right-hand person, who followed me from our last company, submitted her resignation. At least…
Dear Madeleine, I am at the end of my rope with all of the new software platforms my company expects me to use as part of my job. Every time I turn around, there is a new app introduced but never any training. Or, if the app itself does provide training, it takes time to…
Dear Madeleine, I get no feedback. I like my job, my boss, the team I work with, and my company. At every annual review I write my own review first and my manager adds her two cents, always pointing out ways I contribute that I hadn’t thought about or had forgotten. So I do get…
Dear Madeleine, I report to a CHRO in a large global manufacturing company where I’ve worked for 15 years. About two years ago our company was sold to a group of investors, and they installed a new CEO. At first the CEO said all the right things about how important the people are—but over time…
Dear Madeleine, I want to be a rock star at my job. I have always been driven and ambitious—but now, a few years into a professional job after college and grad school, I find myself a bit at sea. I work in a big company and I love what I do. Here’s the problem. My…
Can someone be a great leader and not be self-aware? I believe all great leaders are self-aware. If you don’t know how your behaviors affect others, it’s difficult to lead successfully. Furthermore, leaders who aren’t self-aware can cause significant damage. The news is filled with reports about highly visible executives (I hesitate to call them…
“Between stimulus and response lies a space. In that space lie our freedom and power to choose a response. In our response lie our growth and our happiness.” This is one of my favorite quotes, most often attributed to Viktor E. Frankl, Holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning. It holds an answer to…
Dear Madeleine, I need your professional advice on career goals or growth. I worked in the construction industry for 25 years, starting out as an electrician and moving up to a field manager. I essentially went from pulling wiring through conduit to managing the entire field operation on very large, multi-million-dollar commercial and industrial projects.…
The business world is only going to keep moving faster, which is forcing leaders to become increasingly adept at managing their team’s priorities and delegating tasks. But that can be a tricky undertaking. The way leaders manage their team’s priorities and delegate runs the spectrum. On one end are leaders who don’t know what their…
In our new book Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust, my coauthor, Randy Conley, and I cover a lot of topics—fifty-two, to be exact. As the subtitle suggests, a primary focus of the book is the area of trust in leadership. To be truly trustworthy, a leader…
Dear Madeleine, I was recently promoted to executive vice president in a company where I started as an entry level coordinator right out of college. I took advantage of the company’s training and generous education reimbursements, got an MBA, and rose steadily. I never dreamed I would get this far, and I am thrilled about…
Why would anyone want to be a career builder when they risk losing the people they develop? It’s a provocative question many leaders answer by not developing their people. But this strategy doesn’t work—because people who aren’t nurtured by their leaders end up leaving anyway. Career development is about the employee experience. It’s about the…
Feeling psychologically safe in the workplace has never been more important. The storm of the past two years has generated tidal waves of competing priorities and pressing demands, all vying for urgent attention. Hurricane-force winds of unrelenting and pervasive change continue to swirl around us. Without the critical lifeline of psychological safety, employees can feel…
Dear Madeleine, I run a large team for a media company. The CEO has a lot of strengths but is inconsistent and often irrational. My team is constantly on the hook to respond to endless PR issues, so we never quite know what is coming at us. Before Covid we all came to the office…
People want an empathetic leader. Many managers strive to be one. But ask someone to define the term, and you’re likely to be met with silence. Let’s start with the definition. According to Merriam-Webster, empathy means “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of…
Dear Madeleine, I am a VP in an organization and I have a decent team, all of whom I inherited when I joined the organization two years ago. Everyone on my team is experienced and considered senior. I have done everything I can think of to make everyone’s role and responsibilities crystal clear—yet I find…
Our mental health has deteriorated during the pandemic, demanding the attention of leaders and businesses. Under normal circumstances, one in ten adults in the U.S. have symptoms of depression or anxiety. That number has jumped to four in ten during the pandemic—and that might be conservative. Our data show much higher numbers. In our research…
Dear Madeleine, I recently got a new manager. At first everything was fine. She did a big reorganization of our group, some of my duties where shifted, and I took on some new ones. I am still on a learning curve but I am getting there. She also hired four new people who followed her…
There’s been a flood of articles lately about psychological safety—and for good reason. It is essential if people are to be engaged and productive. It is the foundation for a dynamic, vibrant workplace. And it is woefully missing at most companies. Psychological safety happens in a workplace when people feel free to speak their mind,…
In honor of Women’s History Month, I sat down with Debbie Ung, EVP of sales and professional services at The Ken Blanchard Companies, to talk about her experiences being a female leader in various industries. What motivated you to become a leader? I became a leader out of necessity. I was working for a startup…
Dear Madeleine, I have a great job in a company I love. I was recently offered a promotion. Even though I thought the change in compensation didn’t reflect the increased responsibility, I was so happy to even be considered that I jumped at it. I now have four direct reports. Here’s the problem: as the…
I’ve been talking about servant leadership for years, so I was happy to see that the topic is now trending in business. Maybe people are finally understanding that servant leadership is not a lax situation where the inmates are running the prison. Instead, it’s a two-part process: the leadership part, where the leader plays a…
It’s Women’s History Month—time to celebrate women’s accomplishments in the workplace! It’s essential to take a moment to recognize our contributions when you consider that in 2020 women still made just 84% of what men earned for the same job and were significantly underrepresented in leadership roles, according to Pew Research. The argument about whether…
Dear Madeleine, I am an EVP of sales for a US-based fitness and weight loss website that is in hypergrowth. I started with the company about eight years ago and rose through the ranks, figuring things out as I went. About 18 months ago, my regional counterpart (I was East, he was West) quit suddenly…
The hybrid/virtual work world presents many challenges for leaders. One of them is creating a culture of accountability. Some leaders still think accountability equals “butts in seats.” But that outdated belief has become completely antiquated during the pandemic. People have proven they can succeed in a remote work environment. Considering how quickly the workplace is…
Our collective future is unfolding right before us. It demands a new kind of leader. Consider life in this new era. An event happens on the other side of the world and its ripples nearly capsize our boats thousands of miles away. The pandemic is the latest example that we are more interconnected than we…
Dear Madeleine, If relationships fail and one decides to pivot away from a toxic organization or situation, what is the best way to tell that story in a job interview? For example, I may be asked “Why did you leave that company?” My true feeling is it was all about the toxic culture. The objective truth…
Dear Madeleine, I started working for a US-based company about nine months ago. It is a hybrid role where I go into the office two to three days a week and work from home the other days. The job is perfect for me—just challenging enough. I feel that I can do my best and do…
There has long been a serious trust deficit between leaders and their people, and the pandemic has exacerbated it. But before examining this, let’s explore the meaning of trust and COVID’s effect on it. Trust is often a misunderstood concept. People often say things like “I don’t trust that person,” making it sound like our…
In my new book Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust—cowritten with my colleague, trust expert Randy Conley—we take a look at some practical, day-to-day leadership principles leaders can apply in their organizations. Simple Truths of Leadership is broken down into 52 concepts/quotes, half on the topic of…
Dear Madeleine, I was recently promoted to lead a team I’ve been on for over a year. We started out with a very good team leader, but it became apparent that he was leading too many teams and didn’t have the time. He recommended to his boss that I take it on. He asked me…
The time for virtual reality (VR) in leadership development has arrived. VR simulations are becoming more immersive. Equipment and development costs are falling. Leaders are busier than ever. And the pandemic has scattered workforces and required social distancing. A Giant Step for Leadership Development VR represents such a giant step in leadership development that it’s…
Ron Darling, a stellar pitcher with the New York Mets in the 1980s, was going through a brutal divorce. He struggled through spring training and the start of the season. His emotional turmoil hurt his game. Davey Johnson, the team’s roughneck manager, noticed Darling’s struggles and reportedly said to him, “I went through a rough…
Dear Madeleine I am fairly new director in a large global organisation. We are a liaison team designed to work in tandem with product development and marketing. I have a great team—all inherited and all very skilled and experienced. Their former boss (who was let go) was very rigid and very focused on process and…
When we think of innovation, people like Thomas Edison, Henry Ford, and Steve Jobs tend to come to mind. The lone hero in solitude has a hold on our imagination, but the truth is that innovation is rarely the result of an inspired genius toiling away in a garage. Groundbreaking innovation takes lots of people.…
Every day there seems to be a new story about an irate customer behaving badly. These unfortunate situations create psychological stress for frontline employees and additional pressures for businesses. What can employees and companies do to provide Legendary Service while facing the headwinds of the pandemic? Hard Times Demand Legendary Service We’ve all been struggling…
Dear Madeleine, I have recently taken a job as office/operations manager for a medical practice. The managing partner is fairly new to the practice and was given the job because none of the other doctors want to deal with the day-to-day problems. It is true that hiring and managing staff plus staying on top of…
Dear Madeleine, I have always really liked my job even though the workload is oversized and the hours are long. I provide expert advice and coaching around diet and weight management in a community medical clinic. I have a master’s degree in nutrition and am a registered dietitian. We are government funded and located in…
Exhaustion is in the air, but you can generate the vitality you need right now. We need first to understand why we’re all feeling depleted. There are two types of depletion: physical and psychological. We all know the signs of physical depletion and its remedy: take a walk, eat healthy food, do yoga, rest. But…
Dear Madeleine, My company has recently started offering coaching to all managers at my level. It is optional. I have read what our HR department has posted about it, but they didn’t give much information. I always thought coaching was for underperformers, but that isn’t how they are selling it. What would I work on…
Effective leadership is an influence process where leaders implement everyday, commonsense approaches that help people and organizations thrive. Yet somehow, many of these fundamental principles are still missing from most workplaces. In their new book, Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust, legendary servant leadership expert Ken Blanchard,…
I recently announced the February 1 publication of my new book with longtime colleague and trust expert Randy Conley, Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust. Now I’d like people to know what inspired the book and why I’m so excited about it. The beginning of my mission…
Dear Madeleine, I am a veteran employee of a large, very healthy organization. I like the company and my co-workers. I’ve had plenty of advancement opportunities and I think my comp package is fair. I have been managing people for a long time and feel that I am skilled. I am not just tooting my…
Reading about how tired we are is fatiguing. So let’s try something different. We’re built to want to be part of something that’s meaningful. We’re eager to learn. We love wrestling with a challenge. It’s in our nature and we can’t help it. So instead of focusing on how everyone is depleted, why not appeal…
Trust is the foundation of success, and the pandemic is putting enormous pressure on it. COVID has created a historic amount of stress and anxiety, which is testing the bonds of trust we have with each other. Making things more difficult is how seldom leaders and team members meet face to face these days, combined…
Dear Madeleine, I work for a company that required everyone to come back to the office the second week of November. I thought it was too early, and was proven right by Omicron. The company is a traditional, conservative kind of place, and the CEO lost patience with the whole remote thing. I was happy…
Dear Madeleine, I am senior project manager for a global construction firm. I am one of the very few women in the organization, and wouldn’t you know, my problem is with one of them. She is a peer to me, and we have very different but overlapping roles. The fundamental problem is that she changes…
“Relationships And Results.” Which of those three words is most important? I posed that question to over 100 participants in a series of workshops I recently conducted for a client. As you might suspect, about half the people thought relationships was the most important word. Their rationale essentially boiled down to people are the ones…
2021 will be remembered as a year of change and it was certainly reflected in the questions Madeleine received from her readers. Here is a list of the top five most-viewed columns. They tell a story of the year we’ve been through. Madeleine will be back next week with a new year of questions from…
A few weeks ago, my colleague Doug Glener wrote a blog regarding the results from our company’s recent survey that involved more than 800 L&D executives, managers, and specialists. We asked them about the biggest challenges they face in designing training for hybrid workers in 2022. We were able to break down their answers into…
Tis the season for lists, and we offer ours: The five must-read blogs of 2021. But our list is a little different. It shines a little light for L&D professionals trying to find their way in 2022. That’s valuable, considering that the past year has been filled with numerous challenges. Everyone is struggling to stay…
Dear Madeleine, I lead a team of seasoned, expert professionals in a fast-growing global company. My boss has told me in no uncertain terms that my biggest priority in the next year is to develop my team and groom a successor. My biggest obstacle is, although every one of my team members is very good…
Our world is in transition—and so is the L&D industry. That makes insight on designing effective learning experiences for a hybrid work environment invaluable. Our 2022 Trends Report, which was based on survey responses from more than eight hundred L&D professionals, backs up the statement. Some 53% of L&D professionals said their virtual/digital designs were…
As a part of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ 2022 HR / L&D Trends Survey, respondents were asked to rank the effectiveness of various training reinforcement strategies. Email Reminders/Newsletters, currently the most used practice for reinforcing training content, was rated in the bottom third when it came to perceived impact. That’s not a big surprise to…
Dear Madeleine, I am going to start a role in a new team soon. I’m hoping you can give me some advice on how to seem confident and establish credibility. I am on the younger side and I am not a very confident person to begin with. In my previous roles, I noticed that some…
Have you noticed that some people in your organization can be counted on in critical situations to consistently deliver a stellar performance? These people seem to play the game at a higher level. Liz Wiseman calls them Impact Players. In her latest book, Impact Players: How to Take the Lead, Play Bigger, and Multiply Your…
An ongoing challenge associated with the shift to virtual classrooms has been a perception that current virtual learning designs are not as effective as the face-to-face designs they are replacing. In fact, 53% of the leadership, learning, and talent development professionals surveyed in the October/November poll conducted by The Ken Blanchard Companies felt their current…
Dear Madeleine, I have a great job that I love, with a terrific company. I kind of stumbled into it and felt really lucky to find a job that suits me, with people I respect and like. I recently had a performance review and my boss made it clear to me that the sky is…
As I think about what it means to wrap up this year, I reflect on the goals I set for myself and my team and celebrate the progress I’ve made personally and professionally. (As an example, my 40th year has been my best yet! If you want to know more, feel free to send me…
Dear Madeleine, I had a best friend at work for several years, but about six months ago she left and took another job. I was very sad but after a while started becoming friendly with a newer employee. I’ll call her Rose. I thought Rose and I were on the same page until last week…
What’s keeping L&D professionals awake at night? How has the pandemic affected our ability to learn? What awaits in 2022? We asked these questions to 800+ L&D professionals in an October 2021 survey. Jay Campbell, senior vice president of product development, and David Witt, program director, analyzed the data. They arrived at three key insights:…
Dear Madeleine, I recently joined the executive team of my organization as an interim VP. I am pretty sure I will end up with this role because I have been getting great feedback and no one has the time or brain space for yet another search and hiring cycle. I love the job and feel…
COVID-19 has been a major disruptor, forcing countless organizations to innovate and make a rapid shift to the virtual world. In some ways, this has been a good thing. Many businesses—including ours—have expanded operations and found new revenue streams online. People working from home have gained more flexibility in their work day and are saving…
Do you ever feel like you just need a minute? A minute to yourself—between calls, Zoom meetings, and appointments—to catch your breath? Juliet Funt believes giving ourselves permission to take that minute might just be the element that’s missing in our lives right now. In her new book, A Minute to Think: Reclaim Creativity, Conquer…
Dear Madeleine, I was recently hired to be a director for a customer service team that provides specialty roofing products to the construction industry. We have had a terrible time with our supply chain and the company has resorted to using what we all know are inferior components. As a result, our customers are coming…
“Five areas contribute to creating a psychologically safe environment in the workplace,” says Randy Conley, expert on building and maintaining trust. He joined Chad Gordon on a recent episode of the Blanchard LeaderChat podcast to discuss the importance of creating psychological safety. Conley defines psychological safety as the beliefs individuals have about how others will…
Dear Madeleine, I read your column on an employee who is too emotional. I have a similar problem, with some big differences. I don’t know why everyone says it is women who tend to be too emotional. I have a male colleague who is constantly melting down. I’m not sure where he got the idea…
Dear Madeleine, I read your column on an employee who is too emotional. I have a similar problem, with some big differences. I don’t know why everyone says it is women who tend to be too emotional. I have a male colleague who is constantly melting down. I’m not sure where he got the idea…
By their very nature, unionized workplaces and industries often promote a culture of distrust between stakeholders. Each party is suspicious of the other and is afraid of being taken advantage of, so they hold their cards close to their vest and try to cut the best deal possible for their stakeholders. It’s us on one…
“The most successful leaders have a clear understanding of what leadership means to them. They are able to articulate this viewpoint to colleagues and direct reports for the purposes of building stronger relationships,” says Pat Zigarmi, a founding associate of The Ken Blanchard Companies. Zigarmi recently sat down with Chad Gordon of the Blanchard LeaderChat…
Dear Madeleine, I have just been promoted to a very big role in an organization I have been with for two years. I came from another highly respected, very successful company. One of my mandates when I joined was to change some entrenched outdated processes and create a new strategic plan for my business unit.…
If you ask some people how they feel about their boss as a leader, they might say “It depends on what day it is.” Some leaders’ moods and behaviors are subject to things as random as their morning commute, the day’s financials, or whether they skipped breakfast. They can be relaxed and pleasant one day…
In a perfect world, your leaders are inspiring, people know how to succeed, and everyone is engaged. In the real world, leaders are a source of tension, people aren’t sure what to do, and employees are disengaged. A few distressing facts show how dysfunctional the typical office is 75% of workers say the most stressful…
Dear Madeleine, I am the executive director of a well established not-for-profit organization. I am passionate about our mission, and I know we do great things for our community. My problem is that I am exhausted—physically, mentally, and psychologically. We have recently been through a couple of big hiccups with one bad hire, one very…
by Doug Glener and Dr. Victoria Halsey Quitting your job for a new one is the new normal. Almost 4 million Americans resigned from their positions in June 2021.[1] More turnover is on the horizon: Some 40% of the global workforce is “considering leaving their employer in the current year,”[2] while “95% of workers are contemplating a…
Dear Madeleine, I manage a small group of what we call WMS professionals—Website Marketing Specialists. They all work remotely, and the group has developed into an extremely effective team. I am very proud of our work; together we have found a way to really add value to sales and to the company. Taken individually, each…
Dear Madeleine, I am a regional sales director for a company that installs gutters for houses. I have spent endless time training my people to map out exactly what is needed for each house. We created beautiful online templates so salespeople could provide the detail that the install team needs to show up with the…
Many organizations are embracing hybrid teams (a mixture of onsite and remote employees) as a model of working in the post-COVID19 world. Hybrid teams are not new, but this model of working is new to many organizations and leaders. I’ve been leading hybrid teams for over 15 years, so I have a pretty good idea…
Dear Madeleine, I am the operations manager for a large veterinary hospital. It is a fast-moving, extremely busy environment, especially our 24/7 ER. I essentially manage all personnel because the doctors don’t have the time or the inclination. We have one employee who is a challenge for me. She is a trained vet tech who…
The Great Resignation. The Great Attrition. The Mass Exodus. The historic turmoil taking place in today’s workplace has been given many names—and for good reason. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, a record-breaking 10.9 million jobs were open at the end of July 2021.[1] This unprecedented turnover will stretch long into the future.…
If you’re frustrated that change efforts in your organization are taking too long, are too difficult, or are too often ineffective, this book is for you. Leading change expert Jake Jacobs shares eight failsafe ways to make any change initiative successful in his latest book, Leverage Change: 8 Ways to Achieve Faster, Easier, Better Results.…
Dear Madeleine, I am an EVP for a major insurance company where I have been leading a large team for five years. I was just getting the hang of things when COVID hit, and since then it has been a mad scramble to keep up with all of the changes. I have a hybrid workforce…
by Doug Glener and Dr. Victoria Halsey It’s a common workplace belief: You should be able to handle anything that lands on your desk. The specifics don’t matter. You’re a professional and you can tackle the challenge, no matter how long you’ve been at a job. Admitting you need help in a competitive work environment…
Dear Madeleine, I am a senior executive at a fast-growing regional bank. One of our employees (I’ll call her Mae), who doesn’t report to me but on whom I rely on for several big deliverables on a regular basis, is driving me nuts. We are all very “nice” around here and no one gives anyone…
Dear Madeleine, I am a fairly new manager for a well established and growing not-for-profit organization that brings arts education to underserved communities. When we have open positions, we prioritize hiring alumni of our programs. About nine months ago, I hired a promising alumnus who seemed perfect for an entry level program administration job. She…
Dear Madeleine, I recently had a situation that I now see I handled very badly with one of my second-line reports in India. Sandeep (name changed for confidentiality) had gone completely AWOL. This coincided with his direct supervisor (my direct report) going on maternity leave early. Her back-up person wasn’t in place yet, so it…