Small Jar Podcast - The Ride to the Empty Nest: Recent Episodes
Jennifer Collins
The Small Jar Podcast is for moms of teens looking to find confidence and peace as they navigate the rollercoaster of the teen years and new purpose as they look ahead to a meaningful next chapter.
Have you heard the statistic that by the time your child is 18 that you'll have spent 90% of the time that you'll ever spend with them in your life? This is the kind of information that can not only cause us to think that we've wasted some of the most precious years of our kids' lives, but also make us think that we have very little time left. Cue regret, sadness and anxiety! In this episode I explore a different perspective on time, and how to embrace the remaining "10%".
Have you ever stopped to think about how your define your success as a mom? What does success look like to you? And how do you measure it? Whether you realize it or not, you have in your mind a vision for success, and your mind is constantly evaluating whether or not you meet the mark. In this episode, we explore how to take ownership of this vision so that we are not only intentional about what we want for ourselves as moms and for our kids, but also so we can find compassion and love for ourselves in the process.
I was honored to have author, influencer, connector and founder of Moms of Bigs, Esther Joy Goetz join me to talk about the lifelong journey of being a mom and how to create a lifelong connection with your children. Esther's motte is to "give our BIG KIDS (teens and young adults) the roots of love and the wings of freedom to be completely themselves." In our conversation, we explored how to do this, but even more, how to find love and compassion for ourselves in the process. Motherhood is hard, and none of us get it right all of the time. But how can you create the mindset to achieve a relationship with your children that "invites not demands" and so that we as moms are no longer "responsible for" but "responsible to" our children. Follow Esther @momsofbigs and www.estherjoygoetz.com.
As women, as moms, we're really hard on ourselves. Like...so hard. There are so many ways we talk down to ourselves, and we're so used to it that we don't even realize we're doing it any more. But it can also feel like letting ourselves off the hook and giving ourselves some grace feels like giving up. This is particularly true when it comes to what we want for our kids and how hard we're willing to fight to help them be happy, healthy and successful. In this episode, I explore why it's so hard to just let ourselves off the hook...and one way you can learn to do exactly that....without giving up or letting anyone down.
College move-in day is looming and so many of us moms are feeling sad, and beating ourselves up for it. In this episode, I explore the shame we can feel as we compare the way we are handling this transition as we compare ourselves to other moms. Our emotional experience is entirely valid based on our own unique perspective. But that emotional experience also impacts how we show up. And in this moment as both we and our children face once of the biggest transitions of our lives, we have the opportunity to decide on purpose how we want to show up for our children and ourselves.
Join me for a sneak peak into one of Small Jar's recent Group Coaching Workshops, where we explore the topic of relationships, particularly the dream relationship we want with our teenager. In coaching, almost any topic we explore often comes down to relationships...those we have with others, and also the one we have with ourselves. In this episode, I have omitted the individual coaching to respect the privacy of those brave enough to get coached in front of the group, but this episode includes the opening workshop and Q&A. Subscribe to Small Jar on www.thesmalljar.com to get invitations to attend future group calls (for free!).
Just telling yourself to think happy thoughts just doesn't work. How many times has a well-meaning friend tried to offer you a different perspective on a problem and you’ve felt completely frustrated or discounted. Look, if it was so easy to just change our minds, then we would all be walking around feeling happy all the time, right? But that’s just not reality. In this episode, I explore the alternative to just thinking happy thoughts if you really want to find peace.
When our kids are leaving the nest, it seems so obvious that the solution is to find new purpose. But the real problem isn’t that we can’t find purpose, it’s that we’re afraid of being alone with ourselves. We think that we can’t find joy or purpose without something outside of us to create it for us. I want to invite you to consider that the most important purpose you have right now is to create a deeper relationship with yourself…one where you don’t need anything outside of yourself to create happiness, peace and purpose.
As moms, we want our kids to be happy, safe and successful. And we are willing to do anything and everything we can to help them achieve this. Only, during the teen years, these goals seem next to impossible to accomplish sometimes. We're left feeling angry and anxious. In this episode, I explore how to get what you really want.
When we think about purpose, we so often think about doing something. After being busy parent for so long, it might seem like the biggest challenge we face after our kids leave is figuring out how to fill our time. Similar to the reason some of us might have chosen to become parents in the first place—we don’t want to feel bored…or guilty that we’re not doing something meaningful or important. In this episode, I explore what it might really look like to redefine our purpose.
There are some feelings we don't want to feel so much we can find ourselves eating, drinking and distracting ourselves just to feel better. For me, resentment is one of those emotions. In this episode, I explore the many reasons we moms can feel resentment...and how to let it go.
They leave...and then they come back! Sometimes for the summer, but increasingly they return home after college graduation, or stay after high school graduation. As much as we love our kids, and as hard as it is when they leave, it can be challenging for many reasons when they come home. In this episode, we explore why having our kids back in the nest is so hard.
One of the interesting aspects of being in this time of life in our 40s and 50s…is that there is such an incredible opportunity in front of us…to create something new for our lives, but that it often feels incredibly difficult for many of us to move toward this opportunity for a variety of reasons. We might call it lack of motivation, anxiety, worry about our children...
In this episode, I talk about how to move through the emotional pain that we can experience during this transitional time to move toward creating a new purpose for our lives.
The college process is complex, competitive and stressful. We want desperately to support them and help them be successful through the process, but somehow we are left feeling anxious and frustrated. In this episode we explore how the way we and our children view this process can often leave us at odds...and how we can begin to make the process a little easier on our children...and ourselves.
As your child leaves the nest, it's not uncommon for us as mothers to feel anxious about the worst case scenario. No matter how many times you try to tell yourself it will all turn out ok, it’s often hard for our brains to accept that possibility with any degree of comfort. In this episode, we explore new ways of thinking about our anxiety so that we can begin to move toward acceptance and living in the present moment of the reality of what is.
There are times in life when it feels easy to find joy...and other times, where joy and peace seem to allude us. We try to capture joy by doing things that make us happy. But this doesn't work in the long run. We also try to change the circumstances of our lives, particularly other people, to try and feel better. This also rarely works. In this episode, we explore the three ways to create room for joy, even in the midst of pain.
When you are in emotional pain, it is so hard to find the energy to focus on your goals and move forward.
There are so many reasons that we might be in pain. I can’t possibly do justice to all of them in one episode. In this episode, rather than focusing on any one emotion of pain, we address how we respond to our pain…and also, why it’s so hard to find the lessons that our pain might be teaching us.
As our kids become young adults, there is so much new territory for US as parents to navigate. Where is the rule book? Please, someone give me a strategy that works without fail. Because look, we’re all human. And even experts must struggle in the relationships they have with their own teens and young adults. Because it’s one thing to execute a strategy when there’s no emotion. When you don’t have skin in the game. But these are our kids. Our life’s work. The perceived stakes of “doing it wrong” seem so high.
So, we worry. We try to control. We judge... We check up on them...all in the name of trying to protect them. To help them be safe, happy and successful.
This is not a podcast about parenting, but rather about our own mindset as it relates to our responsibility to parent. How can we let go so our child can fly?
It's not just about the money. The "side hustle" is an incredible opportunity to pursue something you are really passionate about.
As we contemplate the empty nest, so often we rush to fill our time so that we don't feel so...Empty. Stuck. Bored. Frustrated. Resentful.
But have you considered that the possibilities in front of you are infinite? It's not just about getting a job. Or changing jobs.
In this episode we explore how opening your mind up to the possibilities of your life may unveil the dream you have not been allowing yourself to consider.
It doesn’t matter if the college drop off will happen in a few weeks or a few years….it doesn’t matter if it’s your oldest or your youngest…there is something about the college move-in day that can fill us—as mothers—with absolute dread.
As you imagine standing on the green, about to say goodbye. What comes up for you? Most likely pride, love and excitement. But also potentially overwhelm, anxiety, and sadness. In this episode we explore the many emotions that challenge us as we think about the day we leave our child at college.
So often over the past 17+ years, I have longed for more peace in my life. There is something about having children that makes you wonder what you even spent your time doing before you had kids. Given how overwhelming and busy our lives have been for the past 15, 20, 30 years of raising kids…one would think that we would fully embrace the moment when circumstances of our lives became still and we could breathe. But then…there is the reality of the day when your kids are no longer at home. And suddenly we feel lost...listless....empty...lonely. In this episode we explore all of the ways we can feel lonely during this transition...and how we can make peace with the loneliness of the empty nest.
As our children grow up and leave the nest, we have an opportunity to re-focus on our professional careers. But when we think about job satisfaction, we tend to focus more on what we don't like about particular jobs rather than really taking a step back to understand what job satisfaction really means for us. In this episode, we take a look at how to create job satisfaction for ourselves--and perhaps even more important, how to create opportunities for personal growth and emotional well-being, no matter the circumstances of your job.
When it comes to our children...the people we love...we often can’t help ourselves but think endlessly of all of the terrible things that might happen. The What Ifs. As our children become adults, we have less ability to protect them from the dangers out there waiting for them. So we imagine these dangers and bring the PAIN of that projected danger into our present moment. In this episode, we talk about why our minds think this worry is so important, and how we can begin to see the "What If" mind for what it is....and let go of some of the pain of it right now.
Whether you are already in a relationship, wondering whether you should stay in a relationship, or looking for love…this one’s for you.
How do you find love?
Here's the thing about love…we’re frequently looking for somebody else to create the feeling of love for us.
But if somebody else is responsible for how I feel, that’s a pretty helpless and powerless place to be. And I think that’s why love can be so painful so much of the time. Because if we don’t receive love in the way we want to receive it, or if somebody does things that don’t align with what we would interpret as loving, then WE don’t get to feel any love.
In this episode we explore the experience of love...what it feels like, what it creates us....and how we can create more of it in our lives...on our terms.
The empty nest. Think about the visual image of what is implied by the phrase, the "empty nest." The nest is a home, and its purpose is to keep eggs and baby birds safe until they are ready to fly off on their own. But what happens then? After the adorable baby birds grow up and leave the nest? In my head, I conjure up an image of a literal empty nest. Barren cold. Lonely. Without purpose. Empty.
Now, not all of us look at the empty nest in such a negative light. But even the concept of the empty nest tends to focus us more of the loss of our children and purpose with kids in the home than on the opportunity of this new stage in our life.
In this episode we explore the range of emotions that we might experience as we face the empty nest and how we can not only find compassion for ourselves as we grapple with challenging emotions, but also how we can begin to fill the nest in a way that allows us to embrace this next chapter of our lives....and even to create a new, exciting and beautiful purpose, independent from our children.
Have you ever found yourself saying, “I am literally doing the best I can….and it’s not enough.” We are trying our best. We have the best intentions. We think we have done everything that we could have done. And yet…things go wrong. Our kids get into trouble. People get angry at us. We disappoint ourselves...
In this episode we explore feelings of powerlessness related to things that have happened in the past that make us feel frustrated, guilty, and even ashamed. These emotions can feel overwhelming and leave us feeling powerless because we can’t change the past or change people’s minds right away…so we are powerless to feel better.
When things go wrong, you get to decide what you want to make them mean. You can't change the past but beating yourself up about it doesn’t move you forward.
In every moment you have an opportunity to ask yourself…. now what? What’s done is done…. I can’t change the past, I can’t change how other people think or what they do….but I CAN decide how I want to show up in the present moment.
Maybe after listening you can decide, for yourself…. that all of it….is good enough.
As we watch our children grow up, we experience so many beautiful emotions. But we can also experience a wide range of challenging emotions—like worry, fear, anxiety, and frustration. When we worry or feel fear, we are typically imagining a negative future outcome that we want to avoid. And when we feel frustration—we are typically looking at a situation and thinking of all of the ways it should be different.
And when we feel this way, we try to control our children. We try to convince them they’re wrong. That they need to try a little harder. That they need to listen to our advice. But we rarely win. And we are left feeling powerless. And in pain. Constantly worried. We are literally powerless to end our own pain because we are projecting their pain in the future. It’s insanity, but we do it to ourselves time and time again. The only way to feel better is to change them—but we can’t change them, so we don’t feel better.
In this episode, we explore how to find the power to feel better without having to change our children.
Moms are the CEO of Home Inc.
Now, I want to be clear…I’m not saying this to be cute or cheeky. I certainly do not want to in any way come across as belittling stay-at-home moms. In fact, I believe that being a stay-at-home mom is a full-time (or more than full-time) job for which we are not paid. Although I am sure we as mothers could all agree that raising a family is important work, we sometimes tend to discount the work in our minds because it’s not quote/unquote “professional.”
In this episode we explore the traits that both successful CEOs and moms share. I am willing to bet that many of these 10 traits, you practice regularly as a mom. We don’t consider that these skills make us professionals….by the way, synonyms for “professional” include – expert, skilled, practiced, qualified, proficient….add to this mix loving, unconditional, loyal, dedicated, and unwavering…that’s a pretty powerful combination.
80% of the thoughts we have each day are negative--and many of these thoughts are judgments about ourselves. You have probably heard that the best way to combat negative self-talk is with mindfulness, gratitude, and just "loving yourself." But it's difficult to change your mind when you have been thinking the same negative thoughts about yourself for as long as you can remember. In this episode we explore how our thoughts about our bodies and the view we have about ourselves as mothers--both positive and negative--serve a purpose. Understanding this is the first step to learning how to drop the negative judgments of ourselves.
Is there someone in your life who just doesn't listen? Who never does what you want them to do? A husband or ex-husband? A boss? Your child? Your mother?? When people disagree with us or do things we thing are just wrong, we get angry and frustrated. We feel helpless, because no matter what we do, no matter how much we argue and explain to them why they are wrong, they don't change.
In this episode we explore how to take ownership of our emotional life in a way that is no longer dependent on others being different that they are. Because…as much as I wish it weren’t the case…we can’t change other people….but we have the power to curate our own emotional life despite what others do.
What does “having it all” even mean? Although we tend to think of it as having some perfect balance of career, family, love, friendship and wellness, I think we have to be clear that, “having it all” is in the eye of the beholder. There is absolutely no one way to pursue the game of life as a woman.
In this episode, we explore some of the ways women in their 40s and 50s have felt it is impossible to have it all. In your life today…how are you still constraining your choices? What is holding you back from “having it all?”
We go on vacation to feel relaxed and happy. We're convinced the change in scenery will make all the difference. But in this episode, I'll share a story to demonstrate why that's not true. The implications are powerful. If vacation doesn't guarantee us happiness...then why do we wait for it to allow ourselves to be happy?
There never seems to be enough time. In our lives, with so many responsibilities and people depending on us, it feels futile to fit everything in, never mind actually find time for our own goals or dreams. In this episode, we explore how to create time in our lives to get what we really want.
We have habits by design. Our brains’ ability to turn a series of actions into an automatic routine allows our brain to save energy and perform common tasks efficiently. We literally don’t have to think about doing them anymore. Whether you label them good or bad, your habits are part of who you are as a human. But what if your habits result in negative consequences for you in your life? In this episode, we explore why the benefits of our bad habits are actually the key to helping us let them go.
Capturing your dreams...In the beginning, your dreams exist outside of you. They offer an imagined, sometimes impossible, vision for you or your future. It’s not yet who you are, and you don’t yet know how to get there. But before you can even start, you have to be willing to dream. To imagine the possibilities of what COULD be. In Part I, we explored why we often get frustrated when we only focus on the "how" to achieve our goals. In Part II, we discuss the most important step in reaching out to capture your dreams.
Imagine your dream, initially, as something that exists outside of you. It’s separate from you and offers an imagined possibility for you or your future. It’s not yet who you are, and you don’t yet know how to get there. But before you can even start, you have to be willing to dream. To imagine the possibilities of what COULD be. Sometimes we are caught up in not know the "how" of pursuing our goals. In this episode, we explore why focusing on the how is often the reason we are not successful.
One of the hard parts about feeling emotionally overwhelmed is that it feels like it’s happening to you. In our effort to feel better, we often end up creating more pain for ourselves and then judging ourselves for not handling it better. In this episode, we explore how to hold space for our pain.
Whether married (happily or unhappily), divorced (happily or unhappily) or single (happily or unhappily)…the grass isn’t greener. So if these circumstances don’t guarantee love or happiness, then how can we ever actually find love and happiness?
It seems like a fact that in order to accomplish any goal you have to be motivated. But what happens when we don’t feel motivated? In this episode we explore how the way we think about motivation can sometimes hold us back.
We want our children to be happy, healthy, safe and successful. But as our children grow up to be teens, we realize that the way they pursue their own potential, even the way they fulfill their basic needs, may be at odds with what we want for them. In this episode, we explore how to bridge the gap.
As mothers, in our 40s and 50s, we face so many circumstances out of our control and so many of them feel like loss. Preparing to send our children to college, letting go of our youth, saying goodbye to relationships with our partner or others in our lives...this space between motherhood and the empty nest feels like a long goodbye. In this episode, we explore how to begin to write a new story where we get to decide who we are and what we want to create.