She Dares To Say - SoundSage

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[Image description: Text ‘Authenticity Arena No. 07’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke highlighted segment]

Almaz note: Please do listen to the audio extract, while simultaneously following the text transcription, as it makes for a richer experience.
The audio recording (above) and transcript (below) represent 15 minutes of a background research interview (rather than sexuality survey follow-up chat) I set up with ‘H’, who’s a queer, white British, woman (cis), who, at the time of interview in May 2021 was 37, and living in London with her husband and small son.
‘H’ is someone whose work I’d been following online for a while, and I knew that she had an open marriage and was also open about that. The interview extract I’m sharing here gives some insight into how just how wonderfully generative conversations can be, between strangers who work within the same sphere and discover that they share a worldview.

‘H’ – 07:34mins
So we… Oh, sorry, I think one of my cats is stuck in the wardrobe.

Almaz – 07:43mins
Okay, okay.
‘H’ – 07:45mins
Yeah. He is.

[both laugh]
‘H’ – 07:46mins
I can just hear this scratching, and I was like “Uh-oh!” (to cat: “Sorry dude!”)
So, we first opened up the relationship before we got married, but we didn’t… Did we date anyone? So, we started out by, kind of, like, trying to find people to have threesomes and stuff. Which, I feel a bit embarrassed a bit by now ‘cause it’s such a cliché.

Almaz – 07:58mins
Yeah.

‘H’ – 08:09mins
But that’s what we did. And we did that a bunch. And then I think, basically, by that point, I was starting to feel more comfortable identifying as bi[sexual], and starting to, kind of, come out to a few people.
And really felt like, “I need to date women by myself. Like, that has to be something I do by myself. That is nothing to do with [REDACTED].”

Almaz – 08:47mins
Yeah.
‘H’ – 08:47mins
And not in that relationship because, like, I need to work out what that is for me. So that was a big part of it. And then yeah, I think that before we got married, I did go on maybe, like, one or two dates with women. And then… Weirdly, I think the year that we got married was, sort of, the year that we, kind of, got more into it.

Because we’d been away, and we’d done a bit of backpacking, and then we, like, came back. That’s when I launched my freelance career. And [REDACTED] started a new job. And we were getting married that summer. And it was sort of like “Right, we’re back in the UK, like, now we’re gonna launch our new life,” I guess.

So I think we’d got quite into the idea of, like, threesomes and, like, dating people and stuff like that. So yeah, so we both dated people a bit. I can’t remember if he dated anyone on his own. He must have done. Yeah, he must have done. But it was around the time we got married, that we started dating people separately, and I guess in my head that’s, kind of, when it went up a notch from just experimenting to being like, “Okay, this is something we’re actually gonna pursue”.

Almaz – 10:06mins
Yeah, yeah. And how did friends and people within your network react to that? Or maybe you didn’t tell them at all? Or...?

‘H’ – 10:19mins
No. I mean, even now, like, friends, know. But there are the friends that will ask. And there are the friends that just, like, it would never come up in conversation. And I would feel super awkward about being like, “So, I’m seeing someone.”

At the beginning, we didn’t really tell that many people, I guess, because we didn’t… I dunno, I guess we were still figuring it out. Now, I would say most [chuckles]…

Funnily enough, I would say most of my close friends know. And then there’s a big gap of, like… If you think about your friendships and the people in your life in, like, concentric circles, right? I feel like the people in the closest circle know. And then there’s a circle around that, where they don’t really know. And then there’s the general public who all know because I write about it [chuckles], like, talk about it on podcast and like,,on Twitter.

And so I’m like, “This is really weird.” Which, makes me think that basically, probably people in that middle circle do actually know, it’s just that we never speak of it.

Almaz – 11:34mins
Yeah.

‘H’ – 11:34mins
[chuckles]
Almaz – 11:36mins
That’s really interesting, because this is something that I also want to explore a bit. The, kind of, gap between people who do, like, sex and relationships in a public way for work. And it’s completely acceptable, and all their acquaintances know what they do. But then on a personal level, it almost seems… Well, I’m still trying to work out in my head… whether it does seem like it’s something that… it’s still not really socially okay to talk about radical stuff on that personal level.

‘H’ – 12:21mins
Interesting.

Almaz – 12:21mins
And I’m really trying to figure out why that is.

‘H’ – 12:25mins
I mean, I think the two go hand in hand, and somebody said to me recently, like, “Oh, you’ve created this infrastructure for yourself through your work, via which you can be this, like, openly horny person, essentially”. And I was like, “Oh, f**k. Yeah, like, you’ve nailed it!”

Like, that’s kind of what I’ve done. So then, like, I have this platform, from which I can be really open about this stuff. But then I haven’t… It’s almost like I haven’t built the steps up to the platform.

Almaz – 13:02mins
Yeah.

‘H’ – 13:02mins
I’ve just, like, hauled myself up on this platform? I’m now I’m like, “S**t, I can’t get down!”

Almaz – 13:07mins
Yeah. Yeah.

‘H’ – 13:08mins
Yeah, I mean, I don’t have the answer to that. But I think that you’re right, there is a weird, sort of… A really good example would be with, like, my old school friends, and also my NCT group. When I had my son, I did, like, NCT and, like, the birth classes and stuff. And I would say those two groups of people are analogous in the sense that they all know what I do for my job. And so they know. But we don’t ever talk about how it relates to my personal life.

Almaz – 13:45mins
Yeah. That’s really, really, really interesting. Yeah, it’s almost like work has become… So, for people who are quite conservative socially, in their heads, work is a proxy for people to be able to express themselves in a radical way. But for them, they still wouldn’t be able to talk about the radical stuff that’s happening in someone’s professional life, within that personal realm.

‘H’ – 14:26mins
I think, yeah. And also, first of all they can, kind of, can detach themselves from it, because they’re, kind of, like, “Oh, this is the work life”…

Almaz – 14:37mins
Yeah.

‘H’ – 14:37mins
“So I can talk about your work and we never have to brush against the fact that it does affect the personal life”.

Almaz – 14:44mins
Yeah.

‘H’– 14:44mins
As well, I think on some level, they can still hold this idea of you as not that radical person.

Almaz – 14:53mins
Yeah.

‘H’ – 14:53mins
I guess more, kind of, more, like, small ‘c’ conservative type thing.

Almaz – 14:59mins
Yeah, yeah.

‘H’ – 15:00mins
Which could, maybe, be feel safer for them?

Almaz – 15:07mins
Yeah, yeah.

‘H’ – 15:07mins
So they’re like, “Oh, that’s where all that stuff goes in your, like, work realm. But when I talk to you, we’ll just talk about, like, you know, kid chat and family.”

Almaz – 15:18mins
Yeah, yeah.

‘H’ – 15:18mins
That stuff.

Almaz – 15:19mins
Yeah.

‘H’ – 15:18mins
They can somehow tell themselves that actually, you’re not really like that. That’s just your work self. And I have to admit that I go along with that sometimes.

Almaz – 15:32mins
Yeah, there’s really something in that… Because I’ve been thinking a lot about conservatism with a small ‘c’, and how even in London that’s so open-minded, within things that are to do with, like, professionalism, and making money and making a living, you can’t really be radical, and still be… still be…

Yes, it’s not it’s not fully worked out in my head yet. But that’s the kind of stuff that I’ve been thinking about.

Almaz – 16:15mins
Okay, so, what is it about polyamory that you think is right for you and your family?

‘H’ – 16:32mins
I think that for me, probably the biggest thing is the whole thing about how you are… Like, I really reject the idea of, kind of, a nuclear family. And, like, the way we, kind of, fetishise coupledom, has never sat right with me, because I’ve always had lots of friends and social life.

And I’ve got very close relationships with both my siblings, and, you know, the idea that this one person, or then, you know, kids as well, like, kids is a bit, it’s tricky, I’ll come back to that in a sec. So that there’s one person would somehow be elevated above all those other important relationships in my life. That just doesn’t make sense.

Almaz – 17:29mins
Mmm, mmm.

‘H’ – 17:30mins
And I think, if anything, this last year is really hammered that home for me, because, you know, we’ve all been stuck at home with whatever our ‘household’ is. And it isn’t enough.

Almaz – 17:48mins
Mmmm!

‘H’ – 17:48mins
It’s not enough to only have those people. And also, it’s not just that it’s not enough for me, it’s too much for the other person, to have that pressure of being your world.

Almaz – 18:02mins
Yeah.

‘H’ – 18:02mins
It’s too much for me, I don’t want to be somebody’s world. I don’t want to be the person that someone is always going to turn to you for absolutely everything because, like…

Almaz – 18:13mins
Yeah.

‘H’ – 18:14mins
[gasps] Because, like, it’s too much to ask of one person. And I think as time has gone on, I’ve also, kind of, like, urm, read stuff about, like, relationship anarchy. And things about, you know, kind of, giving friendships and other kinds of relationships, equal standing with your romantic ones.

Almaz – 18:41mins
Yeah.
‘H’ – 18:41mins
That makes so much sense to me. And I think that my… I’ve always had quite polyamorous friendships, I guess. I’ve never been somebody who had a best friend, for example. I’ve always had networks of friends. And I’ve always been reasonably comfortable with the fact that you go through phases of being really close to one friend, and then you sort of drift apart for whatever reason.

It’s not a bad thing. It’s just your lives move in different directions. But then maybe work brings you into contact with somebody new, and then you get, like, really fired up about that person.

Almaz – 19:18mins
Mmm, mmm.

‘H’ – 19:18mins
You’re like, “Oh, my God”, you know, and then you’ll get like, your ‘work wife’, or whatever.

Almaz – 19:22mins
Yeah, yeah.

‘H’ – 19:22mins
Like, that’s always been my experience of platonic relationships anyway. So then when I started reading about it, and, sort of, like I said, retroactively applying the theory to it, it just, kind of, made total sense that I was like…

I mean, you know, people are different, aren’t they? But this is what makes the most sense to me and how I… what I need, but also what I want to give, and how I want to exist in the world. And how I want to contribute to the world is by having these networks, and being able to give to lots of different people in lots of different ways.

Almaz – 20:06mins
Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that’s great. During the first lockdown or soon after, I think I saw something that you’d written on social media about… it was to do with the households thing, and how you hadn’t envisaged bringing your child up just in your unit of two.

‘H’– 20:34mins
Yeah.

Almaz – 20:24mins
I should have bookmarked it.
I don’t have children. I would love to have children, but I’m not sure that it will happen for me. But I love the idea of having, like, a more of an extended family village, kind of thing…

‘H’ – 20:53mins
Oh my God, me too!

Almaz – 20:54mins
Because it’s just… child-rearing is so hard. And also the dynamics can get just ridiculously intense. And it’s, like, if you have aunts and friends around, that particular dynamic just is diffused, if there’s conflict within that dynamic.

But I’ve been thinking a lot about late capitalism, and how where we are now makes it really difficult to do anything that’s not already out there.

‘H’ – 21:32mins
Yeah. For real. Like, everything you’re saying, makes so much sense to me. I mean, I was thinking about this with a friend the other day, because, like, there’s a big part of me that would love, like, commune living [chuckles].
But there’s also a big part of me that obviously has an introverted side and, like, really needs my own space. So I’m always, like “Do I want to live in a commune? Or do I actually just want to be a hermit”. And, you know, those two things could be in conflict. But I think the whole, like, chosen family, sort of, trope, is just such an aspiration for me.

[CONVERSATION CONTINUES FOR ANOTHER 50 MINUTES]

[Image description: White speech box with black border shadows. Black text ‘As part of my research for my book, I’m running an anonymous online sexuality survey’. Dark orange text ‘bit.ly/ao_sexsurvey’. Black text ‘Anyone over 18 can fill it in, wherever you are in the world.’ Picture of coloured rectangles placed at angles with black border shadows. White text ‘Do you have guilt or shame around desire, sex or pleasure? Why/why not? Do you support compulsory sex and relationships education?’ on top rectangle]
The sexuality survey is still open, so in the meantime please do fill in/share it as all of the responses are helping me make connections between the ways in which we’ve been socialised and our relationship to sexuality.

[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke]

The ‘POSTSCRIPT’ segment for paid subscribers will drop on Wednesday 10 August. To receive this extra mailout, you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription.

[Image description: Text ‘PRODUCED BY’ on navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke]
I’m Almaz Ohene, a Creative Copywriter, Freelance Journalist and Accidental Sexpert.
Follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
Available for commissions. Info via almazohene.com/contact-faqs.

This content is free, but it takes time to create and upload each piece. If you enjoy this project would like to support it, please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’.

If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to send a contribution via PayPal.

Get full access to She Dares To Say at almazohene.substack.com/subscribe

View Details

This content is free, but it takes time to create and upload each piece. If you enjoy this project would like to support it, please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’.

If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to send a contribution via PayPal.

You can also show your enjoyment without spending £££, by liking, commenting or sharing 😃

[Image description: Text ‘Authenticity Arena No. 06’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke highlighted segment]
Almaz note: Please do listen to the audio extract, while simultaneously following the text transcription, as it makes for a richer experience.
The audio recording (above) and transcript (below) represent five minutes from the middle of a 50-minute chat I had with ‘G’ a straight, Mauritian British, cis man, who, at the time of interview in February 2021 was 48, single, and living in London.
‘G’ was the first person who filled in the sexuality survey and booked in for an interview – we’re close friends, but hadn’t ever spent much time discussing sex in such depth. As such, our chat was a lot of fun, especially since ‘G’ shared so generously, and without inhibition, about his dating habits and preferences.

‘G’ – 31:42mins
So, sexuality is a commodity in that sense, isn’t it? I pay for a dating app.

Almaz – 31:51mins
Yeah.

‘G’ – 31:51mins
It can give you the edge.
Almaz – 31:53mins
Yeah.

‘G’ – 31:51mins
With Tinder, you get 50 swipes a day, maybe. And you get one ‘super like’, and then they have lots of different tiers. They have, like, your ‘Tinder Plus’, ‘Tinder Gold’, ‘Tinder Black’. There’s hundreds of different tiers where you can put yourself ahead of the curve. And if you do normal Tinder, you don’t appear on that person you swiped with at all. So you get pushed down the list. You know, that’s a commodity.

Almaz – 32:34mins
Yeah. And…

‘G’ – 31:35mins
Commodisiting it…

Almaz – 32:37mins
How does it make you feel knowing that because you’ve paid money, you’re showing up on potential matches’ algorithms, more than someone who hasn’t paid for it.

‘G’ – 32:42
[sighs] I don’t like it. But people pay to develop these things. It’s a service, they need to make money somehow. And I pay for it. I pay for the Hinge one because I think it’s a bargain, for what it gets. On Hinge you only get six matches a day.

Almaz – 32:50mins
Yeah.

‘G’ – 32:50mins
Or ten matches a day. I can go through the whole of it. This sounds horrible, but I can go through the whole of Hinge. I can do it so that everyone within seven, eight miles, I’ve swiped on. And then I have a steady stream of people coming through. Which I wouldn’t get if I was only getting ten people.

Almaz – 33:17mins
Interesting!

‘G’ – 33:19mins
Does that make sense?

Almaz – 33:20mins
Yes, it does! So I…

‘G’ – 33:21mins
Because I pay £18 for three months.

Almaz – 33:25mins
Okay.

‘G’ – 33:26mins
And then… I can… if you don’t pay you can only swipe ten people a day. And then they won’t see you because you’re not paying.

Almaz – 33:35mins
Yeaaah.

‘G’ – 33:38mins
It’s a… dating is a numbers game.

Almaz – 33:44mins
That’s interesting! So…

‘G’ – 33:45mins
Dating is a numbers game. Totally a numbers game. Because, erm, and the older you get, the more of a numbers game it is, you know. I like a specific type of girl. You know… I think the sweet spot for me at the moment is 35 to 38/39.

Almaz – 34:07mins
Yeah.

‘G’ – 34:07mins
That’s the sweet spot for me when it comes to dating.

Almaz – 34:10mins
Yeah.

‘G’ – 34:10mins
But if I don’t lie about my age… I put it in at 44, the moment it goes up to 45, their matching their age range won’t go in it, because most 38… 36, 37, 38… most 38, 39-year-olds put a dating range of 36 to 45.

Almaz – 34:27mins
Yeah.

‘G’ – 34:29mins
So I’m out of that.

Almaz – 34:31
I actually…

‘G’ – 34:32mins
Does that make sense?

Almaz – 34:32mins
Yes! I am going to be talking… mmm… Again, I’ve got to be careful what I say because of anonymity.
So, I had a really interesting conversation in the summer with someone who I had previously hooked up with, who is over 50. And we ended up having a bit of a clashing of horns, because he also lied about his age, due to ‘aging out’.

‘G’ – 35:07mins
Yeah.

Almaz – 35:07mins
And I find this really, really, really interesting because he is someone who is really successful, really attractive. And also, he’s someone that I have hooked up with before and hooked up with again, like, in the autumn – and, you know me, so I’m 32 now – but this is someone that there’s quite a large age gap. But I think it's really interesting that both you and him have really said that it’s really difficult for someone who’s older on apps.

‘G’ – 35:45mins
Yeah. Because, erm… This is where I might offend you.

Almaz – 35:53mins
No, no!
‘G’– 35:53mins
I dunno, I dunno, ‘cause you’ve got to be careful here, okay, because you’re gonna hear things in these interviews that sound offensive, and are offensive and really shallow.

Almaz – 36:07mins
Yeah.

‘G’– 36:07mins
Very shallow.

Almaz – 36:08mins
Yeah.

‘G’ – 36:08mins
Okay. I’ve dabbled with going out with women, 44 to 47… 42 to 47. Urm, get on well, but attractiveness, just not into them. Unlucky.

[CONVERSATION CONTINUES FOR ANOTHER 15 MINUTES]

[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke]

The ‘POSTSCRIPT’ segment for paid subscribers will drop on Wednesday 13 July. To receive this extra mailout, you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription.

Journalism mid-year round-up:
– ‘Young, Black Directors Are Leading A New Wave Of British Films’, Refinery29
– ‘Saara El-Arifi speaks about her debut fantasy trilogy’, The Bookseller
– ‘How To Empower Yourself To Set Sexual Boundaries’, ‘The Truth’ from Badoo
– ‘The History of Pornography’, ‘LustZine’ from ErikaLust
– ‘Setting boundaries for casual dating’, Feeld
– ‘How to spot - and change - your negative dating patterns’, Feeld
– ‘How colonialism affects sexuality’, Feeld
– ‘Why You Don’t Need To Play It Cool On Dates’, ‘The Truth’ from Badoo
– ‘Dating apps have created a culture of entitlement’ Mashable
Available for commissions. Info via almazohene.com/contact-faqs.

If you enjoy this content and would like to support please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’.

If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to also send a contribution via PayPal.

Get full access to She Dares To Say at almazohene.substack.com/subscribe

View Details

This content is free, but it takes time to create and upload each piece. If you enjoy this project would like to support it, please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’.

If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to send a contribution via PayPal.

You can also show your enjoyment without spending £££, by liking, commenting or sharing 😃

[Image description: Text ‘‘The Final Strife’ by Saara El-Arifi’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke highlighted segment]

[Image description: Author Saara El-Arifi wears a brightly coloured zip-up shirt and is looking out into the distance]

It’s UK publication day for Saara El-Arifi’s debut fantasy novel The Final Strife. Last month, I interviewed Saara for a profile for The Bookseller. Since Saara and I spent our late childhood and teens growing up together in a small northern English town (which was exceptionally white), as both of our families had settled there from abroad, and additionally, our mothers grew up together in Accra, Ghana, in the 1950s and 1960s, it means that, up to a point, we have a unique shared history.

The two of us hadn’t seen each other for a number years, and so when we saw each other’s faces on our video call we were excited. Saara peered hard into her screen to get a better look at my surroundings.

“Ah the room!”, she exclaimed.

I was doing the interview from my childhood bedroom, where during our tween- and teen-hood, we’d play games like, ‘Monopoly’, ‘Cluedo’ and ‘Dream Phone’ (for those who might not have heard of ‘Dream Phone’, the game came with a large pink phone and the object of the game was to find out which boy had a crush on you by dialling numbers and ‘talking’ to the boys to gather clues.).

[Image description: Vintage board game box for Dreamphone on a faux animal-skin throw]

The audio recording (above) and transcript (below) represent eight minutes from the middle of the interview I did with Saara where we painfully remembered our secondary school days in the noughties where we were both one of about three non-white folks in our respective year groups which housed of around 350 pupils.

I gushed about the breadth and depth of Saara’s imagination and the extract I’m sharing below picks up a thread about the horrors of colonialism that Saara has woven throughout her novel.

Almaz Ohene – 23:21mins
Okay, so would you be able to just repeat the King Leopold stuff again?

Saara El-Arifi – 23:26
Oh, yeah! So, I had no idea about King Leopold II, which is horrific because that should really be a staple of the curriculum. And I discovered that you know, the accounts differ but estimate around eight million slaves had no hands due to, kind of, a bartering system that happened where…
Because if you used a bullet you had to prove that you used a bullet in either self-defence or to discipline a slave. But soldiers wanted to use the bullets to hunt. So in order to then show that they’d killed the slaves they took the hand. And then King Leopold, asked for them to be smoked and burned. And returned him to count.

And so I took that, and I put it in the story. And I think that’s because I’ve had a few people – my mum – be like “Oh it’s very violent, the book”. And, you know, it’s all based in truth. There’s nothing, no suffering that I’ve represented on the page that actually doesn’t come from that history.

Almaz Ohene – 24:33mins
Yeah.

Saara El-Arifi – 24:33mins
And, you know, at the same time, I didn’t want this book to be just, you know, desolate. It is a terrible, terrible world, but I didn't want it to be like there was no hope.

Almaz Ohene – 23:46mins
Yeah.

Saara El-Arifi – 23:46mins
And that's where, like, this strive for rebellion comes. It is, more than anything, a story of hope. Because, more than anything, I wanted to show that there is so much light at the end of the tunnel, even when, like, there are shadows and colonialism, like, we can push past that.

Almaz Ohene – 25:08mins
This is another question that's not on the question list.

Saara El-Arifi – 25:12mins
Go for it.

Almaz Ohene – 25:13mins
But I want to ask you about at the beginning of each chapter, you have ephemera from the world.

Saara El-Arifi – 25:21mins
Yeah.
Almaz Ohene – 25:21mins
How long did it take you to come up with…

[Saara chuckles]

Almaz Ohene – 25:24mins
…all of these historical bits of writing?

Saara El-Arifi – 25:30mins
Yeah.

Almaz Ohene – 25:31mins
And, like, there's a recipe for groundnut soup.

Saara El-Arifi – 25:34mins
Yeah!

[both chuckle]

Saara El-Arifi – 25:34mins
I’ve gotta get that in there. Yeah, it was interesting. So because the world is so rich and unfamiliar. There aren't really many… When I say ‘unfamiliar’; ‘unfamiliar’ to Western audiences who are used to European fantasy. There aren't many like hallmarks…

Almaz Ohene – 25:49mins
Mmm.

Saara El-Arifi – 25:49mins
…that readers can, kind of, like, hang their hat on and go like “Okay, I understand that trope. I understand that genre-twisting element.” Like, you know, horses, they understand horses. Now, I’ll be like, “I’ve made a giant lizard.” Then we have to describe how that lizard works.

Almaz Ohene – 26:02mins
Mmmm.

Saara El-Arifi – 26:02mins
You know, there’s certain things that I didn’t help myself.

[Saara chuckles]
But it was actually really fun. The epigraphs at the beginning of each chapter, yeah, they’re, like, themed on each chapter. But also.. and it was easy because there was so much in this world that I could write about.

Almaz Ohene – 26:18mins
Yeah.
Saara El-Arifi – 26:18mins
And there were things that I knew that I wanted the reader to learn more about.

Almaz Ohene – 26:22mins
Yeah.
Saara El-Arifi – 26:22mins
You know, a lot of readers will skip past them, and that’s absolutely fine. But some readers will read them all.

Almaz Ohene – 26:29mins
Mmmm.
Saara El-Arifi – 26:29mins
And they’ll learn twist that they have no idea of coming in book two or three. And so I think it was fun to play around with, like, ‘Easter eggs’ here and there

And then also the framing of the whole novel, which, when you get to the twist, you’ll understand a little bit more. But the novel is framed into five parts which are based on phases, of colonisation.

Almaz Ohene – 26:56mins
Okay.
Saara El-Arifi – 26:56mins
And that was really interesting to me. Like, most people will go “Oh, that’s a phase of colonisation”. But for me adding that depth to each theme and each part of the novel was really important.

Almaz Ohene – 27:12mins
Yeah. It works really well.

Saara El-Arifi – 27:14mins
Ahh, I still find it so weird when people are like “I’ve read your book”. Just stop!? Please stop!?

[Both chuckle]

Almaz Ohene – 27:19mins

Okay, so, please can you describe your writing process. Which bits do you love the most? And which bits do you find a drag?

Saara El-Arifi – 27:33mins
So, I don’t plot. Which people are like “What?” I don’t plot at all. I literally just write, and I write, and I write, and I write. And that’s, for me, the best bit.

I don’t know what’s coming next. In Book Two there was this character who had a glove on for, like, five chapters. I was like “I don’t know why he’s got one glove.”

I was like “Jim [Saara’s husband], I don't understand why he’s got one glove.”

Almaz Ohene – 28:01mins
Yeah.
Saara El-Arifi – 28:01mins
In the next chapter, he takes off his glove. Oh my goodness. I can’t tell you because, it’s a spoiler.

Almaz Ohene – 28:07mins
Okay!
Saara El-Arifi – 28:07mins
But wow, there was something under the glove, and I did not know.

Almaz Ohene – 28:10mins
Okay.

Saara El-Arifi – 28:10mins What was gonna be there. And that’s, kind of, my process. Like, I actually don’t know These characters, it sounds so douche-y, but they, like, talk to me [scoffs].

And I’m just like “Oh my gosh, you wouldn’t believe what she just did”. And Jim will be like “You wrote that.” So that’s definitely the funnest bit.

I think editing the first book was much more difficult than editing the second book, which I’m sick of now, because I’ve grown as a writer so much more.

The first draft of The Final Strife was 70,000 words. It’s now 170,000 words. So in edits it grew a huge amount.

So that was a slog for me because it was, like learning how to write, whilst also expecting to be a published author.

Almaz Ohene – 28:50mins
Mmm.

Saara El-Arifi – 28:50mins
So I was like “Oh, I’ve got to get better at writing, but I also have to get the story into a good place. That was hard, but now I actually enjoy most of it.

Actually, the hardest bit is just knowing when the books out there when people are reading it, that’s, like… I honestly want to peel off my skin.

Almaz Ohene – 29:08mins
Yeah!

Saara El-Arifi – 29:08mins
I just hate it!

[chuckles]

Almaz Ohene – 29:15mins
Who do you write for? In terms of your intended audience and also in terms of legacy-making?

Saara El-Arifi – 29:22mins
Oh, legacy-making. For a long time, I think I was writing for Sally [Saara’s younger sister].

Almaz Ohene – 29:30mins
Yeah.

Saara El-Arifi – 29:30mins
I think it was really interesting for me, particularly the first book that I wrote that never got published. It was always about what I had gone through growing up. I was always trying to make her smile, try to make her laugh. So I used to tell her stories or read her books, and I’d often progress from what was on the page. And so it became, like, this relationship where it was very much, like, I was the storyteller.

And so when I did start writing, it was always for her. Like, how can I make her happy? Now she’s happy so [chuckles]

Now it’s very much like The Final Strife was very much like an ode to me more than anything. For me it was, like, finding my identity. It was finding own feet in a world outside of this one. In terms of, like, the legacy, gosh, I just hope that other authors out there who are like, “as a woman of colour, I’m never going to be able to do this”. Really find out that they can.

Like, they can just read this book and go actually “A-ha, I can do this. I can just go batshit crazy. Build an entire totally different world.” And we’ll buy it.

They won’t buy it quickly, but they will buy it. And I’m just so hopeful. You know I’ve had early readers, contact me and say, you know, “This has meant so much.” Like it’s very rare that I’m gonna find someone from my exact heritage, West Africa and Sudan and Britain. But there are people from different parts of the world who have been like, “Wow, this has been amazing”, “This has meant a lot to me”.

And it’s proved to me that I can write about my own heritage in different ways. So yeah, I don’t necessarily want to be a wave-maker. I don’t think I’m gonna be, but I think just giving people the opportunity to see there’s so much more out there.

[CONVERSATION CONTINUES FOR ANOTHER 15 MINUTES]

Below image: Almaz and Saara hanging out in a central London cafe in May 2022.

[Image description: Almaz (L) and Saara (R) are wearing glasses, have their afro-textured hair tied up and are looking at the camera. A digital image of Saara’s novel, ‘The Final Strife’ has been photoshopped into the image between them]
Order The Final Strife here: linktr.ee/SaaraElArifi. And look out for pictures from tonight’s book launch event on Saara’s social media channels: Instagram: @saaraelarifi; Twitter: @saaraelarifi.

[Image description: composite image of UK and US editions of ‘The Final Strife’]

Recent work:
– For Refinery29, I interviewed emerging film writer–director Jessica Magaye and chatted abouthow young, Black directors are leading a new wave of British films

Available for commissions. Info via almazohene.com/contact-faqs.

If you enjoy this content and would like to support please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’.

If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to also send a contribution via PayPal.

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View Details

This content is free, but it takes time to create and upload each piece. If you enjoy this project would like to support it, please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’.

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You can also show your enjoyment without spending £££, by liking, commenting or sharing 😃

[Image description: Text ‘Authenticity Arena No. 05’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke highlighted segment]

Almaz note: Please do listen to the audio extract, while simultaneously following the text transcription, as it makes for a richer experience.

Content note: This interview refers to underage sex, abortion and a coercive relationship, but does not describe any specific details.
The audio recording (above) and transcript (below) represent fifteen minutes from the beginning of a 40-minute chat I had with ‘F’ who’s pansexual, gender curious and white British, who, at the time of interview in March 2021 was 26, partnered, and living in London.
‘F’ has been with her current partner for seven years, but was also promiscuous during her teens, experiencing pregnancy and abortion before reaching 16 (the age of consent in the UK), and then also a coercive relationship in her later teens.
I was blown away by ‘F’’s admission that she’s a sexual synesthete, which means that she experiences the physical sensations of desire and pleasure as colours too!

The extract I’m sharing here delves into why ‘F’ thinks she feels shame around pleasure and desire, and how some of the cultural scripts we pick up around sex impact our early sexual experiences.

Almaz – 02:56mins
And do you feel any shame around pleasure or desire?

‘F’ – 03:04mins
I think that I feel shame around pleasure and desire. I don’t think I feel… I think I do feel a bit… Yeah and I think that previously… but so, like, with my current partner, he, like, I feel like when we first started going out, which was, like, seven years ago…

Almaz – 03:29mins
Yeah.
‘F’ – 03:29mins
… I felt, like, maybe I was much more… Hmmm… I think I was more, like, sexually experienced than him, I think it’s fair to say. And so I think that I felt a sense of responsibility around, like, holding space for him to, like, feel comfortable, and, like, not feel sexually inexperienced. So I feel like at that point, I think because he felt very, like, self-conscious. I think he had, like, a lot of anxieties.

I think at that point, I felt, like, all a bit embarrassed maybe, or, a bit of shame, I guess, around, like, expressing, like, what I would want, like, what I want sexually.

Almaz – 04:11mins
Yeah.

‘F’ – 04:11mins
And I think that also, I guess, like, just thinking of, like, concrete examples. Like talking dirty, for example, I feel like I ended up getting really just bored and frustrated because basically, he’d just end up repeating back to me, like, all the things I’d said. Whereas it’s like, “that’s not sexy”. But then also you can’t be like “Can you just be a bit more imaginative, please?”

Almaz – 04:31mins
Yeah.
‘F’ – 04:11mins
So I guess it’s that kind of thing of, like, for me, I think it’s about wanting to express, but also feeling this responsibility. But, I think in recent years, we’ve talked a lot more openly about that, and about, like, what we both like sexually, and also, like, sexuality and stuff like that. And I’ve had just, like, really open conversations.

So I think off the back of that, I feel, like, much more open to saying, like, what I would want sexually, and I think he does the same. And I think, for him, it’s no longer, like, he would take anything personally. Whereas, I think maybe at the beginning of our relationship, he might take it personally.

Almaz – 05:05mins
Yeah.

‘F’ – 05:05mins
Yeah, so I think we’ve gotten better at communicating that. But I think that there’s maybe still a bit of… I think it’s actually resentment [scoffs] more than anything. I think it’s, like, the one emotion that I felt quite clearly is, like, resentment for having to take responsibility for our sex lives.

Almaz – 05:27mins
Mmm.
‘F’ – 05:27mins
And I think he’s much better at that now. But I think I still feel that a little bit more than I’d say shame, just, like, resentment and fatigue.

Almaz – 05:36mins
Yeah, yeah. And do you think that… Like, do you share those feelings with him or friends at all?

‘F’ – 05:45mins
I definitely share those feelings… those, like, resentment feelings more with friends than him. Yeah, I would say that’s, like, a topic that we talk about a lot, especially friends who are in, like, straight, cis-het relationships, and we talk about it quite a gendered way.

Almaz – 06:02mins
Mmmm.

‘F’ – 06:02mins
But I have also said to him, like, “I don’t want to feel responsible”. And he has, like, taken it on. And so he does kind of take initiatives and stuff. But I think for him, it’s this thing of, like, I think, because I’ve had previous issues in our sex life have also revolved around me having had so many sexual experiences, where I basically didn’t wanna have sex, and then feeling like I did for various reasons. And this relationship felt like the first relationship, where didn’t have those feelings…

Almaz – 06:31mins
Mmm.

‘F’ – 06:31mins
Which also then kind of led almost to me not having sex at all, because it was almost, like, nice that I didn’t have to have to.

Almaz – 06:39mins
Yeah.

‘F’ – 06:39mins
You know what I mean?

Almaz – 06:39mins
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you would be able to talk a bit about previous relationships, where you felt like you were having to have sex? In what ways did you feel like you were having to have sex?

‘F’ – 06:56mins
So I think my first ever sexual partner. I was just about to say his name, but that’s not relevant.

Almaz – 07:05mins
Yeah, that’s not relevant.

‘F’ – 07:09mins
I think with him… so we were quite young, I think we were, like, 15. But, like… I don’t remember if I was 15 or if I was 14, but, like, a young 15.

Almaz – 07:19mins
Mmm.
‘F’ – 07:19mins
And I think looking back on it now. I think that he definitely… He was super into porn, which I knew at the time. And I, like, was quite a sexual person. Like, I’ve always…

I don’t know if I’ve put that in my survey or not, but I remember, like, making my Sylvanian Families, like, have sex and, like… I dunno shut the door and, like, make them, and dolls, and stuff have sex.

So I think I have always been, like, a sexual person. So that didn’t worry me…

Almaz – 07:45mins
Yeah.
‘F’– 07:46mins
… the porn part at the time, but I think it was that thing of, like, him just suggesting lots of stuff we should do, but also in a way that’s like, “Oh, this is how you have sex.”, “And this is, like, the things that are sexy.”, “And this is what I find really sexy.”

And so it was always definitely consensual in the sense of, like, at the time, I was very much up for that. But looking back on it… Oh, and then also, I think a key part of that relationship was we used to, like, send each other sexy photos. It was just digital cameras. But we used to take, like, loads and loads of sexy photos of us, like, completely naked. And then just stuff, like, years later when we were 18, him being, like, at party and being like, “Oh, I’ve still got those photos of you.”

Almaz – 08:26mins
Mmm.

‘F’– 08:26mins
I was like, “Well I was 15, so that’s, like, really fucked up!”

Almaz – 08:30mins
Mmm.

‘F’– 08:31mins
So I guess, like, that experience just felt, looking back now, made me feel a bit, like, it was very performative. It felt more like me performing for him, rather than, like, me understanding my own sexuality.

Almaz – 08:47mins
Yeah.

‘F’– 08:47mins
But then my second relationship – which is, like, the first time I was in love – that was probably one of most, like, sexually, like, I don’t know, well-matched. Or that’s probably the relationship, I think that the sex just felt really, like very much… I think what was nice about that is it felt really exploratory for both of us. And we were probably at about 16. And when we first had sex, I got pregnant [scoffs] and I had a very traumatic abortion.

But I think that that probably also, like, meant that we had to communicate on a more emotional level about sex. And also it meant that we actually had to negotiate because especially after that, it was very, like, it was very fraught and we had to both kind of come to terms with, like, yeah, like, boundaries and communication.

And I think we were really open. So that was really positive. And also, like, really sexually satisfying. Both those relationships, even the first one, it was still really sexually satisfying.

Almaz – 09:48mins
Yeah.

‘F’ – 08:47mins
Like, I orgasmed a lot and stuff like that. But then I think that after that second relationship, then I wasn’t really in a relationship, and I was sleeping around a lot more. Just, like, sleeping with multiple partners and that is when I think that feeling of not wanting to… I dunno…

I think there was not pleasure in that, and, like, just being astounded at the amount of men that, like, didn’t understand what the clitoris was. And then also, again, that kind of responsibility feeling of like, “Am I really gonna, like, do this?”, “Is this worth my time?” And I used to fake penetrative orgasms a lot during that time.

But I think the real thing that, like, stuck with me was the performance, like, feeling like I had to perform, which definitely came from my first boyfriend.

Almaz – 10:35mins
Yeah.

‘F’ – 10:35mins
And then feeling, like, in other relationships, just, like, not knowing what you want.

Almaz – 10:42mins
Yeah.

‘F’ – 10:35mins
Not knowing whether to, like, bother to kind of say what you want and stuff like that. And then the other relationship, which probably actually had quite a bit impact was that I slept with someone who was just, like, looking back, very scary. I don’t know; he’s deeply in my subconscious. And he’s got multiple allegations of sexual assault against him.

Almaz – 11:01mins
Mmm-mmm.

‘F’ – 11:02mins
And it was, like, I don’t know… I just get the ‘ick’, whenever I think about him.

Almaz – 11:08mins
Mmmm.

‘F’ – 11:08mins
… that all felt quite manipulative, a lot of that sex and, like, emotionally manipulative. So I guess those things kind of stuck with me a bit as well.

Almaz – 11:18mins
Yeah.

‘F’ – 11:19mins
But what was nice, so I think when I got this relationship, it was almost like I could breathe out at bit.

Almaz – 11:22mins
Yeah.

‘F’ – 11:23mins
In a nice way.

Almaz – 11:23mins
Yeah. And do you ever talk about your sexual past with your partner? As in, apart from what you like to do together. Does that kind of thing come up?

‘F’ – 11:40mins
Yeah, it has done. I remember one time when I was living… we met and we used to live in Scotland. And I’d moved down to London. And we were doing a long-distance relationship. And he came back and I always hated that sex because…. I hated it… Again, it was that thing of like, “Oh, we’ve only got two nights together, so we’re gonna have to have sex. And I think I just remember at one point, just, like, crying, and then him being like, “Whoa, let’s stop.”

Almaz – 12:03mins
Mmmm.
‘F’ – 12:03mins
And then I think I was, like, I think I then went into that thing of, like, “I just feel really disconnected from what I want.” I think it goes back to all the other experiences I’ve had. And also, because I work in sex education, as well. So we have this conversation, like, I’m talking about it quite a lot. But I think that also that has probably made him feel more, like, I think he was super respectful. He’s a really lovely person. But I think also, that made it hard for him to feel like he could initiate…

Almaz – 12:32mins
Mmmm, mmmm.
‘F’ – 12:33mins
… because he was so aware that he didn’t want to, like, be that person. So I think now the conversation which is, like, coming up a bit is more, like, how do you, kind of, still initiate in, like, a sexy way…

Almaz – 12:46mins
Yeah.

‘F’ – 12:46mins
… whereas with him knowing that, like I’m up for it, and negotiating those kind of, like, early flirty bits of, like, a sexual encounter, I think, which are conversations we haven’t really had actually.

Almaz – 12:57mins
Yeah.

‘F’ – 12:57mins
Which I’d like to have.

Almaz – 12:57mins
Yeah. So if we go back to when you first, like, felt, feelings of desire. Can you explain what caused that and what kind of feelings you had in your body?

‘F’ – 13:17mins
Yeah. Urm, it’s hard to, like, pinpoint ‘cause I’ve always, like, fancied everyone pretty much all my life. So I remember, kind of, bringing up sex and wanting to know about sex from, like, five. Do you know what I mean?

Almaz – 13:34mins
Mmm, mmm.

‘F’ – 13:34mins
And always fancying people. But I don’t know if that’s desire. But I guess in that sense, my childhood interpretation of desire was, like, very, like, romantic.

Yeah, you know, just daydreaming about, like, going off on my romantic adventures probably. It was very much, like, fancying people loads and also being, like, really obsessed with Lord of the Rings. So that, kind of, like, fantasy, like, “all gonna to go off on, like, a fun adventure” was probably my idea of, like, a great relationship.

And then I think [scoffs] first, like, sexual desire. I guess with my, like, first guy that I first fancied… Well, again, I fancied loads, but the one that I first had my first, like, kiss with, maybe that was the first, like, desire in real life.

Almaz – 14:29mins
Mmm.

‘F’ – 14:30mins
In terms of physically desiring someone.

Almaz – 14:36mins
Mmm.

‘F’ – 14:36mins
But I think that was, like, quite unsure. I think I was probably in Year 7, I think I was 13, or 12, whatever that is.

Almaz – 14:43mins
Yeah.

‘F’ – 14:43mins
So I think that was probably, like… Yeah… I think quite synesthesia. Like, I’ve got quite strong synesthesia and I actually have them with orgasms as well.

Almaz – 14:54mins
Oh wow!

‘F’ – 14:54mins
So, looking back, when I think of desire I think of, like, really yellow-y / green-y. I dunno what that means.

Almaz –14:59mins
Wow, that’s amazing! Would you be able to talk a bit more about that!

‘F’ – 15:04mins
Yeah. So me and my sisters all have it. And my granddad did. We have it with different stuff. But yeah, whenever I orgasm, I orgasm in different colours. So sometimes you’re like: “Ooh, that’s a nice, kind of…” And it’s not like there’s a good or bad association; there’s, like, no value judgment attached to it.

Almaz –15:20mins
Mmm, mmm.

‘F’ – 15:20mins
But sometimes it is like, “Whoa, that was a rainbow!”

Almaz –15:24mins
Wow!

‘F’ – 15:25mins
Yeah, it’s really funny. So my boyfriend often asks [scoffs] me what colour it was, afterwards. But yeah, so looking back, it was quite, like, yellow and green-y, and very much, like, trying to orchestrate a romantic moment. Like, I think I was more obsessed with that.

Almaz –15:40mins
Mmm! Yeah.

‘F’ –15:40mins
… like, watching loads of things and being, like “Ooh, I want to be, like, in the pool house. And, you know, “[REDACTED] come in, and we kiss”. And then I think, like, sexually, I guess I remember first masturbating when I was probably 14. So, maybe that was when I first started understanding what those actual feelings felt like…

Almaz –16:00mins
Yeah.

‘F’ –16:00mins
… and, like, wanting someone else to, like, do that with, I guess.

Almaz – 16:02mins
Yeah, yeah. In fact, let me show you something.

‘F’ – 16:10mins
Oh, yeah?

Almaz – 16:12mins
There’s a book that literally just came out three weeks ago, or a month ago, called Want Me

‘F’ – 16:18mins
Oh yeah!

Almaz – 16:19mins
… by an American writer, and she’s about 38. And she just basically maps… she’s always been really into sex and porn. And she’s just mapped her whole life experiences through sex and desire. And I’ve always been really into, like, sex and porn. And for my book, I’m kind of mapping my desire a bit. And it’s really interesting that I think popular culture has so much to do with the way that we perform, like, ‘coupledom’ or ‘sexiness’. And it’s just really interesting that you say the ‘pool house’…

‘F’ – 17:03mins
Yeah.

Almaz – 17:03mins
… and I think as well, even being British, like, the American romcom is so, like, what we think relationships are.

‘F’ – 17:12mins
Definitely, and I feel like Skins has, like, a lot to answer for [scoffs] in terms of, like, how… but in a, kind of, different way but, yeah, like, absolutely. And trying to understand all these things we were all watching. But yeah, that sounds super interesting.

[CONVERSATION CONTINUES FOR ANOTHER 22 MINUTES]

[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke]

The ‘POSTSCRIPT’ segment for paid subscribers will drop on Wednesday 8 June. To receive this extra mailout, you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription.

Recent work:
– For dating app Baddo’s digital magazine ‘The Truth’, I wrote about consent and sexual boundaries

– For The Bookseller I interviewed debut author Saara El-Arifi (who wrote guest piece ‘Finding a home – The mixed race experience’ for She Dares To Say in June 2021) about her fantasy novel The Final Strife which is out on 21 June in the US and 23 June in the UK. Pre-order The Final Strife here: linktr.ee/SaaraElArifi.

I’ll be publishing a bonus mailout on the book’s UK publication day, featuring an audio extract and transcript from my interview with Saara El-Arifi, so look out for that on 23 June.

Available for commissions. Info via almazohene.com/contact-faqs.

If you enjoy this content and would like to support please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’.

If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to also send a contribution via PayPal.

Get full access to She Dares To Say at almazohene.substack.com/subscribe

View Details

This content is free, but it takes time to create and upload each piece. If you enjoy this project would like to support it, please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’.

If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to send a contribution via PayPal.

You can also show your enjoyment without spending £££, by liking, commenting or sharing 😃

[Image description: Text ‘Authenticity Arena No. 04’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke highlighted segment]

Almaz note: Please do listen to the audio extract, while simultaneously following the text transcription, as it makes for a richer experience.
The audio recording (above) and transcript (below) represent eight minutes from the beginning of a 45-minute chat I had with ‘E’, who’s a straight, mixed (white British and Arab) woman, who at the time of interview in March 2021 was 33, with a male partner and toddler, and living in London.
‘E’ wanted to share her adolescent experiences of sexual feelings with me as she’d recently been re-evaluating what sex means to her now that she’s a mother. In this extract ‘E’ describes the fraught relationship to the concept of sexual activity she had as a young woman.
‘E’ – 01:15mins
All right. I think the guilt or shame around desire section… pleasure… I’ve been, sort of, thinking about quite a lot, because I suppose I came to sex quite late. And I’ve been, kind of, questioning why that is. I have thought for, like, quite a while. And I think I was, like, really… I think I was just scared about having sex.

Almaz – 01:50mins
Yeah.

‘E’ – 01:50mins
And for, like, a long, long time, when… Well, I suppose from when my friends started doing it, so from, like, mid/late teens, I’d always just been, like, I just wanted to be in a relationship with somebody to have sex with them. For the first time, at least, which seems like probably quite a normal, reasonable thing…

Almaz – 02:12mins
Yeah.

‘E’ – 02:512mins
… to think. But then sort of went through all the things where, like, “No one fancies me”, but loads of people did fancy me. So, there was definitely, like, a resistance…

Almaz – 02:27mins
Mmm.
‘E’ – 02:27mins
… that it was like not letting myself get to that point.

Almaz – 02:30mins
Mmm.

‘E’ – 02:30mins
And anytime that there would even be an inkling, or something, I’d kind of really remove myself, or feel a sudden disgust, like, with that person. So it’d be, like, I might like them a bit before. And then be like, “[Wretches] No, gross”, as soon as they showed any interest me.

Almaz – 02:51mins
And do you think that’s disgust with their personality? Or physically? Or with the concept that you might engage in sexual activity?

‘E’ – 03:05mins
It’s almost like I couldn’t even let myself imagine getting there. Like, it’s like there’s so much disgust there’s almost like a complete shutdown. And it would be the, kind of, their personality than sexually how they looked like. But it’s, like, I couldn’t even think about what the possibilities…

Almaz – 03:38mins
Mmm.
‘E’ – 03:38mins
… might be. It was just, like, a shutdown: “I don’t want to do that.”

So that might happen with somebody who, you know, says to me, “Oh, do you want to go for a drink sometime?” And I’d be like, “[Wretches] No”, before I’d think, “Oh, it’d be so lovely to go and have a drink with them”.

Almaz – 03:46mins
Mmmmm.
‘E’ – 03:46mins
Well, there was someone who actually is, I think, sort of, part of the reason why I didn’t really, sort of, engage with anyone else. I really liked this guy – he was, sort of, a bit older – for a long time. And, like, he was really gross [scoffs]. I look back at it, I’m like “Why was he” I don’t know, “wasting his time”. Not wasting his time. “Why is he wasting my time”, is what I want to know.

So there was lots of, like, dragging along with him. So I, like, I was really, sort of, infatuated with him for, like, a good couple of years or so. But then I did, like, kiss him quite a lot. And but whenever I did, like, the next day, I’d be, like, “Disgusting. This is so gross.”

Almaz – 04:34mins
Mmm!

‘E’ – 04:34mins
But then I’d, sort of, get over it. I can’t think about… I can’t, like, pin it on a reason why this is, or where this has come from. And certainly when I got to the point, like, you know, when I did have sex for the first time, in my, sort of, early twenties, it was, like… it just wasn’t a thing anymore. Like, I was almost so unbothered.

I was like, “Okay, well, here we are now, we’re in the sex”. So, I’m also not really sure what let me open up…

Almaz – 05:09mins
Mmm.

‘E’ – 05:09mins
… to it. I can’t think about that there. But I’m sure it’s kind of tied in to, kind of, I don’t know, I was quite, sort of, scared about leaving home and things like that. So I went to university and I still stayed at home, ‘cause I went to university in London. And I would be like, “Oh, because it’s about money”. But it wasn’t about money at all. It was just sort of, it’s probably just being comfortable…

Almaz – 05:37mins
Mmm.

‘E’ – 05:37mins
… and thing things. And I think, also, maybe my relationship with my parents in that, like, my dad is quite… I suppose quite protective in a way. So, like, he’d always have to know where I was. And it’s a bit like, I don’t know, “I’m 18/19. You don’t need to know where I am all the time, please.”

But I’m sure, actually, that didn’t help. Like, maybe the idea of having to explain if I stayed over at someone’s, like, having to explain…

Almaz – 06:15mins
Mmm.

‘E’ – 06:15mins
… why I do that. Just that idea would just be awful. Even though, I could obviously just say, “I was at my friend’s.” Just maybe then knowing that maybe I wasn’t at my friend’s...

Almaz – 06:27mins
Mmm.

‘E’ – 06:27mins
… but I was just using that as an excuse. Yeah, so I’m sure there’s something there.

I used to have recurring nightmares as well. Where I would have to… I was in a play with Kevin Spacey. And we were playing lovers in the play, and we’d have to have sex on stage, and neither of us would want to have sex with each other. It’d have to be, like, real sex, and it’d be really horrible. And it was a recurring…

Almaz – 06:56mins
Mmm.

‘E’ – 06:56mins
… dream. And I’d wake up and be really panicked. I remember telling my mum about it. And then she was like, “I think you’re scared about having sex.” And I was like, “No! Shut up!” But, like, she was so right.

Almaz – 07:08mins
Yeah.

‘E’ – 07:08mins
Like, just constantly, I would have that dream. I’ve not had to since then. But I thought that was quite interesting. Very telling.

Almaz – 07:17mins
Yeah. And did you share those feelings of, like, being a bit scared? And, like, disgust with any friends, or parents or anything? Or was it just all going on in your self?

‘E’ – 07:37mins
I think it was mostly going on in my head. I think the thing is with being scared, I think it’s something I was, kind of, repressing, or didn’t want to admit.

Almaz – 07:47mins
Mmm.

‘E’ – 07:47mins
And it’s only looking back on it where I’m like, “Well, I was obviously scared.” The disgust? Yeah, like, if I made out with someone and the next day would be like “Eurgh, I think they’re gross!” I would tell my friends. And actually, they’d often be quiet, sort of, like, rolling their eyes and like, “Come on, give them a chance.”

So I think they, kind of, yeah, they probably knew…

Almaz – 08:14mins
Mmm.

‘E’ – 08:14mins
… I wasn’t letting myself do that, like, connect with anyone.

Almaz – 08:20mins
Mmm.

‘E’ – 08:20mins
Yeah, I wonder if it was, like, a connection thing that I was scared of, or worried about? I’m not sure. It feels like… well, I suppose it was quite a long while ago.

Almaz – 08:29mins
Mmm.

‘E’ – 08:29mins
But yeah, I do often think… Like, I’d love to just, sort of, go back with my… not that I’m a really confident person now, but with my confidence now and just like… God, I just think I’d have a lot more fun. And just realise these sort of things don’t matter.

Almaz – 08:49mins
Yeah. Yeah. And when you say “fun”, do you mean, physical fun? Or do you just mean being relaxed and more blasé about things?

‘E’ – 09:03mins
I think that being more relaxed and more blasé about things would probably lead to more physical fun, I guess. Because I wouldn’t be so uptight about it. And I think maybe I thought… had the thing over my head of “I don’t want to have sex with someone until I’m in a relationship with them.”

Because two of my best friends started relationships around the same time. So when they’re about 17. So they both just, kind of, lost their virginity around the same time. So I think I probably thought “Well that’s how I should be doing it.” And I wonder if I had friends who are less, like “This is how it should be”, whether I would have followed in that path.

[CONVERSATION CONTINUES FOR ANOTHER 35 MINUTES]

[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke]

The ‘POSTSCRIPT’ segment for paid subscribers will drop on Wednesday 11 May. To receive this extra mailout, you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription.

Recent work:
For dating app Feeld’s blog, I wrote about wrote about how we can spot, understand and change our negative dating patterns – sprinkling in info on how this connects with attachment theory. And also gave tips on the best boundaries for casual dating; from boundaries, you can set when you’re chatting via a dating app to emotional and sexual boundaries.

For Lust Zine, the uncensored mag by Erika Lust, I interviewed Professor Kathleen Lubey, English Professor at St John’s University, New York, who teaches and researches in the fields of the British eighteenth century and the history of pornography.

Available for commissions. Info via almazohene.com/contact-faqs.

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You can also show your enjoyment without spending £££, by liking, commenting or sharing 😃

[Image description: Text ‘Authenticity Arena No. 01’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke highlighted segment]

Almaz note: Please do listen to the audio extract, while simultaneously following the text transcription, as it makes for a richer experience.

The audio recording (above) and transcript (below) represent seven-ish minutes from the middle of an hour-long chat I had with ‘D’, who’s a queer, Tamil, non-binary femme, who, at the time of interview in August 2021 was 27, partnered, and living in London.
‘D’ shared with me their early memories of sexual desire, which included descriptions of how they discovered sensual sensations at the age of six or seven by rubbing against a life-sized Mickey Mouse teddy bear. We discussed the oftentimes competitive nature of adolescent hook-ups, the pandemic’s effect on desire, and also the ebb and flow of horniness in general. The segment I’m sharing is a fairly explicit extract where ‘D’ and I chat about how wondrous it can be to have your burgeoning adolescent sexuality validated by your peers and the hilarity of UK High Street nightclub culture.

Almaz – 20:52mins
How, then, did that childhood exploration develop into more adult sexuality; what we would recognise as adult sexuality?

‘D’ – 21:19mins
[Deep inhale, coughs]
Maybe at about thirteen… (Whispers: “Year 8, Year 9”) Yeah, 12 or 13, I found… so I kept masturbating but I didn’t know what it was called, or what it was. I thought I was like the only person that had found this, like, magical place. Or maybe I was the only person that had it in the whole world. Didn’t tell anybody.

At 12 or 13, I found a Judy Blume book at my aunt’s house. It must have belonged to my cousins or something, and just flicking through it someone talked about touching themselves in their, like, magic place down there. Judy Blume was like, “That’s called masturbation.” And I was like, “Oh my god!”. And that was like a mind-blowing moment. I was like, “Who is this random white woman”…

Almaz – 22:06mins
[Chuckles gently]

‘D’ – 22:06mins
…and, like, “Oh, it turns out I’m not the only person who does this.” So that was a real, like, revelatory moment.

Then, in Year 9, in geography lessons, I sat next to this girl called [REDACTED]. Are you like… you’re changing names.

Almaz – 22:30mins
Yeah, yes, yeah.

‘D’ – 22:31mins
Yeah.

Almaz – 22:31mins
Yeah.

‘D’ – 22:38mins
Interestingly, she was the only other Tamil girl in my whole year and I was quite suspicious of her [scoffs], because I was like, “Oh I don’t trust these Tamil people who are gonna, like, blab, all my s**t.”

But we were sat next to each other in, like, the seating arrangement. And I remember we didn’t really talk, or bond, or anything for, like, a good, like, month. I just wasn’t very interested in, like, making new friends.

And then, I don’t know how we got onto, like, touching ourselves. Maybe, like, you know, as Year 9s do you were sort of, like, pushing boundaries with each other, like, telling some secrets. Or maybe it was like, you know, “Do you fancy anyone?”

Almaz – 23:19mins
Mmm.

‘D’ – 23:20mins
‘Cause I went to a girls school, so it was like, “Oh, do you know any boys?”
Almaz – 23:23mins
[Laughs]
‘D’ – 23:25mins
Literally. Tragic.

Almaz – 23:29mins
[Finishes laughing]
‘D’ – 23:30mins
And it was like, “Oh have you kissed anyone?” and I hadn’t at that point. You know, like, in nursery, you know you do, but that doesn’t count. For us in Year 9, that didn’t count. And we must have gone on to do… “Oh, but I kind of touch…”, you know, “Has anyone fingered you, or touched you, or whatever?” And then it must have been like, “Oh I touch…

Almaz – 23:52mins
Mmm-hmm.
‘D’ – 23:52mins
“I do this thing where I touch myself”, and [REDACTED] was like, “Oh my God, me too”, and she was the first person ever in my whole life to, like, also say, like, a real-life person to also say that she did that.

And I was like “Wow!”

And we, like, really bonded. But it was, like, a type of bond where, like, we would speak, like, so in-depth, in, like, every geography lesson, for, like, a whole year. But outside of geography, we never, like, acknowledged each other. You know?

So, I dunno, that’s quite a pivotal moment, I think, because that’s the first time that I was, like… I externally expressed something that I do that was sexual, and it wasn’t met with, like, you know, telling off…

Almaz – 24:34mins
Mmm.

‘D’ – 24:34mins
…or disgust, or… It was, like validation and, like, “Oh, me too”.

Then, the first time as an adult, where I, like, kissed someone and got fingered [scoffs] was when I first went clubbing. I think it was, like, in the first 10 minutes [scoffs]. I was hammered at Watford Area.

Almaz – 25:00mins
[Coos with laughter]

‘D’ – 25:01mins
Someone… a guy… He was, like, Mauritian, and literally, in the first 10 minutes. I was like, “Oh, great, this is what, you know, you do. This is what people do.”

Almaz – 25:18mins
[Laughs]

‘D’ – 25:19mins
I’m part of, like, ‘The Crowd’. And then, continued to do that for, like, three years. Just go to clubs and get hammered and get fingered in the club. Yeah.

But I felt that that was the goal. That was, like, something I aspired to, right? Like, I… And maybe that Judy Blume book, and [REDACTED], and like people in the club who also did that, allowed me to not have any shame about it. And, I don’t know… it was like a badge of honor to be like, “Oh, I was, like, warned by a bouncer in Area, like, to stop, like, touching people’s penises.” Do you know what I mean?

Almaz – 26:01mins
[Chuckles]

‘D’ – 26:05mins
And, yeah, I never felt shame about it, so…

Almaz – 26:09mins
That is really interesting, because lots of the people that I’ve been speaking to, who are adults, ranging from 25 to 50. Various people are saying that they hold a lot of shame surrounding sex. But in the survey haven’t necessarily gone into why that might be, because it’s quite difficult to process, and look inward with such depth to work out why that might be. But I really think that there is so much in what you said, in having a positive validation, when you do explore things, or tell people what you’ve been doing, and you are met with understanding, and jocularity, and, like “yay”. Because, urm… I mean, I need to analyse the data a bit more. But on the survey, it does look like the people who have said “Oh, they feel shame” and then we’ve gone on and had these interviews, it looks as if they are the people that haven’t experienced external positive validation in these things. But, like, I… in my own personal experience… let me think…

In school, the school that I went to – or the groups of people that I engaged with in school – there was no shame around sexual behaviour.

[CONVERSATION CONTINUES FOR ANOTHER 30 MINUTES]

[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke]

The ‘POSTSCRIPT’ segment for paid subscribers will drop on Wednesday 13 April. To receive this extra mailout, you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription.

Recent work:
For dating app Baddo’s digital magazine ‘The Truth’, I wrote about why we shouldn’t have to play it ‘cool’ on dates: ‘cool’ dating mostly consists of undefined relationships where people aren’t communicating what they really want out of the situation.
For dating app Feeld’s blog, I wrote about how colonialism affects sexuality (again!): the effect of colonialism on politics is well-documented – but what about on sex and relationships?

Available for commissions. Info via almazohene.com/contact-faqs.
Upcoming live event:

[Image description: Text ‘What we can all learn from polyamory? Challenging the cultural script around sex and relationships Sex Talks 05 Apri 13th, 6:30pm The London Edition’ on blurry image of a person’s face, with an orange border]

Hosted at The London EDITION, 10 Berners Street, London W1T 3NP, this month’s Sex Talks session, hosted by presenter writer and founder of Her Hustle Emma-Louise Boynton, will unpick some of damaging cultural scripts around sex and relationships.

Emma-Louise will be joined on stage by myself and Bronwyn Griffiths, aka ‘Fanny Minka’ of Sink the Pink, a queer polyamorous writer and performer and Nadine Noor Ahmad, aka ‘Nadine Artois’, DJ and co-founder of Pxssy Palace.

🥂 Tickets include a complimentary drink on arrival.

She Dares To Say readers can get 20% off their ticket price by using the following discount code: ALMAZ20

Ticket link: eventbrite.co.uk/e/sex-talks-do-we-all-having-something-to-learn-from-polyamory-tickets

If you enjoy this content and would like to support please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’.

If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to also send a contribution via PayPal.

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View Details

This content is free, but it takes time to create and upload each piece. If you enjoy this project would like to support it, please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’.

If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to send a contribution via PayPal.

You can also show your enjoyment without spending £££, by liking, commenting or sharing 😃

[Image description: Text ‘Authenticity Arena No. 02’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke highlighted segment]

Almaz note: Please do listen to the audio extract, while simultaneously following the text transcription, as makes for a richer experience.

The audio recording (above) and transcript (below) represent nine minutes of a chat I had with ‘C’, who’s Mexican, gay and non-binary, who, at the time of interview in July 2021 was 31, single, and living in London.We discussed the role of Catholicism in sexual repression and the music video as a vehicle for sexual desire (my all-time favourite topic!). The interview was the first time ‘C’ and I had interacted with one another, but we really connected and by the time our scheduled time came to end it felt like we had become friends and ‘C’ suggested that we meet up IRL.

Almaz – 19:03minsYeah. Okay, so I haven’t actually watched this ‘Butterfly’ video, Crazy Town, but would you be able to describe it to me.

‘C’ – 19:16mins[Chuckles] Well, yes. This video… it was one of the first videos I saw on MTV…

Almaz – 19:23mins Yeah.

‘C’ – 19:24mins In México we are surrounded by the American culture. So on this channel, it’s all about videos.

Almaz – 19:32Sorry, let me just pause you. I’ve just googled it now and yeah, I remember this, I do know this song. I know this song! [chuckles]

‘C’ – 19:42Yeah, it’s a boy band like the early beginnings of boy bands and it’s a white man, wearing… like, going through a forest without a T-shirt and sometimes he started doing exercise and it’s just, like… “Hmm, this male body all sweaty in nature, like, just expressing himself and all these pretty colours around him”. For me was really attractive.

Almaz – 20:07Yeah.

‘C’ – 20:07Yeah. That was the first time that I was, like, doubting what my sexuality [is]. Like this is bringing something to my body. Like, this is causing some reactions.

Almaz – 20:19Yeah.

‘C’ – 20:19I like these reactions. So, like, yes. And I think next it was Robbie Williams with, uh…

Almaz and ‘C’ – 20:19‘Rock DJ’.

‘C’ – 20:19[chuckles]

Almaz – 20:29Yes, yes I know it well [chuckles].

[Overspeaking]

Almaz – 20:29Where he pulls all his skin off!

‘C’ – 20:35You know, exactly, exactly like doing a striptease…

Almaz – 20:39Yeah.

‘C’ – 20:39… and taking the flesh off and everything…

Almaz – Yeah.

‘C’ – 20:44…it was like, “Okay!” Then, yes, just like female videos, Jennifer Lopez, ‘My Love Don’t Cost A Thing’, didn’t provoke anything in me. Yeah, that’s how I recognised where my tendencies were more.

Almaz – 20:59Yeah.

‘C’ – 21:01So, yeah, it was funny.

Almaz – 21:01Yeah. Erm, in one of the chapters, I’m doing a deep dive into music videos, MTV and music videos, and I came of age… I’m 32, so I’m about the same age as you. And for me, I saw all those music videos, and they really had a massive impact on me. And actually, there’s just something within me that I absolutely love the medium of a music video. And even today, I will spend lots of time watching music videos. So my new obsession is K-Pop music videos.

‘C’ – 21:41Okay, yeah, that’s… I haven’t been too much into K-Pop, but yeah, I know some songs. Like at the moment, who I think is breaking a lot of taboos is Lil Nas X.

Almaz – 21:51Yes! Yes!

‘C’ – 21:53Like, his latest video, like, showing black bodies naked with other boys is, like, just fascinating. I love it! [chuckles]

Almaz – 22:02Yeah, I’ve not actually seen the one that just came out last week, but the other one.

‘C’ – 22:07Yeah.

Almaz – 22:07Er, what’s it called, ‘Montero’?

‘C’ – 22:10‘Montero’

Almaz – 22:11Yeah, yeah I love that one.

‘C’ – 22:14Yeah, yeah. It’s really good. [chuckles]

Almaz – 22:18Yeah. And I think what fascinates me about music videos is that, urm, that how they generate such discourse, so like, ‘Montero’ so many publications were talking about it for weeks, and weeks, and weeks…

‘C’ – 22:36Mmm.

Almaz – 22:36… and I found that really interesting.

‘C’ – 22:39Yes, yes, like I think it’s something similar with what happened to Madonna in the early 80s. When she was like, “Yeah, I’m this female (that’s not necessarily why, but) “I’m a female that’s bringing her sexuality to the masses.”…

Almaz – 22:55Mmm.

‘C’ – 22:55…And now, is this Black man, bringing his sexuality, his gay sexuality, to the masses. So it’s like just point you go do it.

Almaz – 22:55Yeah.‘C’ – 22:55Yeah. So I think it’s, admirable that representation of this group there. So, yeah. And so into it. [chuckles]

Almaz – 23:18Okay. Ah, yeah, so you briefly touched on how you felt when you had sex with someone else for the first time. Would you be able to explain what the dynamic was with that person? Like, was it a positive dynamic? Or was it something that just happened because you felt it was the next logical step? Or?…

‘C’ – 23:47The first time that I had sex. Well, the first time that I had sex, it was with someone who I met online. Like it was a stranger, really. Erm, the first… we have more than…was the first time we met, we see each other was just really kisses and getting to know each other like “let’s see how these goes.” Maybe there was a b*b. But it was really. Okay, step by step.

Almaz – 24:16Yeah.

‘C’ – 24:16So, [the] next week I met him it was all about creating this bonding, and about, yeah, creating trust within the two of us. Yes, like I met him through [the] internet because in the school, no one was talking about being gay.

Almaz – 24:34Mmm.

‘C’ – 24:34I didn’t know anyone that was gay. So for me, it was easy to go to a gay chat and just find someone that lived near me.

Almaz – 24:42Yeah.

‘C’ – 24:43And well, yes, this dating started happening and by the third date, I remember he asked me to f**k him. Like, I probably was 15/16 years old. And he was older. And he was like, “Well, do you want to practice?” And I was like “Yes, let’s do it”. And it felt like… as I was saying, like, the first time it felt good. But I felt dirty.

Almaz – 25:09Yeah.

‘C’ – 25:10Like, I remember I was coming to my house and taking showers because I… I like it. I like what I’m doing. But in my head [were] all these thoughts about religion.

Almaz – 25:19Mmmm.

‘C’ – 25:19…about your family, about you being a man, and…

Almaz – 25:23Mmmm.

‘C’ – 25:23…both enjoying your time. So it’s like, “why not?” “Why am I feeling good? But…

Almaz – 25:29Mmm.

‘C’ – 25:29At the same time like, “Oh it’s wrong.”

Almaz – 25:32Mmm.

‘C’ – 25:32So I blocked out my sexuality for maybe three years, four years. I told myself this is something that I’m not going to kind of think about it. Like… Yeah, and it wasn’t until later… Like, I started going with older boys and discovering… I somehow I found it easy for me to get along with older boys, like, I was maybe 18/19, and I was getting along with 30-year-old boys…

Almaz – 25:57Mmm.

‘C’ – 25:57… around that age. While I want[ed] them to show me how [this] was a world for them.

Almaz – 26:03Mmm.

‘C’ – 26:03…Like, I have been always really careful because one of my uncles, he has HIV.

Almaz – 26:16Mmm-hmm.

‘C’ – 26:16So I grew up with someone with HIV in my experience. And when I was young I remember that my mom was going through a difficult time because he got diagnosed, and she was crying, and “Oh, probably, he’s gonna die.”

Almaz – 26:29Mmm-hmm.

‘C’ – 26:29At the time, maybe, the drugs were not at the point that they are today…

Almaz – 26:35Mmm.

‘C’ – 26:35…so it was a difficult conversation, but he’s still alive. But I grew up with that. So that stayed in my head and it was, “I do need to be careful”, “I do need to wear always condoms.” You need to be always like… “You don’t want to have this”.

Almaz – 26:54Mmm.

‘C’ – 26:54And so yes, like I had sex maybe when I was 15/16, then nothing for three years, until I was 19/20. Yeah, it was just [the] same blow[-job], not really f**k, it was until I found my first boyfriend at the age of 21. We’ve been boyfriends for five years and we tried everything. Like, we explored our bodies and it was amazing.

Almaz – 27:22Yeah.

‘C’ – 27:22I just met someone that I have the confidence and the trust and love…

Almaz – 27:26Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

‘C’ – 27:26…to know what I like and what he likes. Yes. So I must say, it wasn’t until 20/21 when I fully explored my sexuality as a gay man.

Almaz – 27:40Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.‘C’ – 27:40Like, before that it was just curiosity and trying but not really going for it. Yes, I think that boy, my age of 16/15 was a good experience. Since I have these issues going on in my head, I decided to stop for a minute. Getting to know more about who I am, and then approach sexuality. So yeah, for me it actually came, I will say late, because I know people that come younger, but I think 21 is not that bad [scoffs].

Almaz – 28:17Yeah. Yes!

‘C’ – 28:19Also, what is bad and what is good, like?

Almaz – 28:22Yeah, urm. Yeah, so…

‘C’ – 28:29[Chuckles]Almaz – 28:29… I’m really glad that you had that time with that person who you were able to explore, because through these interviews, I’m finding that some… erm, and it happens more often with women, really struggle with trying to express themselves to people that they’re with about how they would like to explore, and how they like to be touched and things like that. And it’s just interesting to me that, erm, it hasn’t been such an issue for the non-female participants in this survey. So it’s making me think that possibly it’s the way that women have been socialised that makes it harder to get across to people, in those intimate moments, what you like.

[CONVERSATION CONTINUES FOR ANOTHER SEVEN MINUTES]

[Image description: White speech box with black border shadows. Black text ‘As part of my research for my book, I’m running an anonymous online sexuality survey’. Dark orange text ‘bit.ly/ao_sexsurvey’. Black text ‘Anyone over 18 can fill it in, wherever you are in the world.’ Picture of coloured rectangles placed at angles with black border shadows. White text ‘Do you have guilt or shame around desire, sex or pleasure? Why/why not? Do you support compulsory sex and relationships education?’ on top rectangle]The sexuality survey is still open, so in the meantime please do fill in/share it as all of the responses are helping me make connections between the ways in which we’ve been socialised and our relationship to sexuality.

[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke]

The ‘POSTSCRIPT’ segment for paid subscribers will drop on Wednesday 9 March. To receive this extra mailout, you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription.

[Image description: Text ‘PRODUCED BY’ on navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke]I’m Almaz Ohene, a Creative Copywriter, Freelance Journalist and Accidental Sexpert.Follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

Recent work:For the ‘Love app-tuallly’ series running on Mashable, I wrote about the current state of communication dynamics within dating app culture – ‘Dating apps have created a culture of entitlement’

[Image description: Screenshot of Almaz’s piece on mashable.com. Article text: ‘Dating apps have created a culture of entitlement "A guy sent me a message at 2:15 a.m., followed up at 7 a.m., and then at midday said 'this vibe isn't for me have fun on here though x"’ By Almaz Ohene on February 14, 2022. Accompanying cartoon-style illustration of a woman hunched over a desktop computer who’s disgruntled by the messages coming through her iPhone]Available for commissions. Info via almazohene.com/contact-faqs.

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This content is free, but it takes time to create and upload each piece. If you enjoy this project would like to support it, please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’.

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[Image description: Text ‘Authenticity Arena No. 01’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke highlighted segment]

The audio recording (above) and transcript (below) are the final seven minutes of the two-part chat I had with ‘B’, who’s a queer, Greek (Caucasian), woman (cis), who, at the time of interview in June 2021, was 32, partnered, and living in London.We’d already had a meandering conversation which addressed queerness, patriarchy and pleasure politics, and the extract I’m sharing here picks up a thread that directly references question 14 of my sexuality survey: “Is there anything you can remember that sparked your sexual / intimate desires, e.g. a certain person / a film / a song / an advert?”

Almaz – 23:46minsLet’s just go back to… you said… the question is talking about “is there anything that you can remember that sparked your desires, e.g. a certain person, a film or a song? Roughly, at what age were you when this happened, and how did it feel?” And you’ve said “five or six”, so I was just wondering whether you can remember exactly what it was?

‘B’ – 24:17minsI remember very vaguely there was this comic, a series of comics, by a specific artist. And there was…[chuckles] It’s so funny to describe. But there was a prisoner.

Almaz – 24:37minsYeah.

‘B’ – 24:37minsAnd this prisoner had, like, in the prison, some pages from porn magazines, like, stuck up with Blu Tack and everything, and I remember that this was the first time in my life that I saw naked women.

Almaz – 24:37mins Oh!‘B’ – 24:37minsAnd it was also, like, described in the comic strip as naked women and

[chuckles]

I can’t remember exactly what the text was and how it was described, but it felt that this is something that I shouldn’t talk about. So I don’t know if this feeling that it was a taboo subject made me notice it even more, but I remember that it felt sexual, already. So this is one of the first things I remember.

Almaz – 25:39minsSo, it’s really interesting, because at the moment, I’m thinking quite hard about the fact that we don’t yet have a vocabulary to label and discuss juvenile sexuality. And we all have these feelings from being very, very, very young. But when you start saying to people this, they are kind of like, “Oh, but…” …but they’re saying that, “Oh, but it’s adults that force this upon children.” But I don’t think it is. I think that we create our own narratives, as young people ourselves.

And again, I think that, obviously, adult culture does help shape that. And, like, as you said, it was something you that kind of knew it was taboo, but, it still sparked something. So that is… I’m really trying to delve into that. And also, interestingly, there are many people writing a range of media [in their survey responses], so not just standard adverts, or music videos, or people like older brothers in the community or whatever. But so many people are saying Disney films like Aladdin. And so many people are saying… Yeah, as you say, like, a comic, or something that’s fairly abstract. So it’s really making me see that there’s a real vast amount of stimuli that give us these desirous feelings.

‘B’ – 27:30minsMmm-hmm. But I also remember my first… it was probably… it was before that comic strip even. The first… Yeah, it’s funny how once you start talking about these things, they come, they appear in your brain. The first sexual play with a kid, I mean I was a kid as well, was when I was… Maybe it was around the same age five, six, seven, something like that. And my dad was working in and I didn’t have school, and he took me with him, because he was going to visit, a house with a grandma who was living with her, or like, child-sitting her granddaughter, and we’re the same age.

So he took me there. And I remember that with this girl, we played in an obviously sexual way. And it felt like that as well…

Almaz – 28:32minsMmm.

‘B’ – 28:32mins…to the degree that I can recall it, and it was, it’s very clear to me now…

Almaz – 28:38minsMmm.

‘B’ – 28:38mins…super clear and, probably, that preceded every sort of media content, and I completely agree with you about their sexuality, juvenile sexuality, I think it is a super difficult topic.

Almaz – 28:56minsMmm.

‘B’ – 28:56minsAnd because it, it leaves us… it’s very difficult to navigate, because I personally believe that we have a sexuality from a very early, very early age. But from this, it’s very difficult to move to the topic of how, and with whom, kids can express their sexuality. And it’s a deeply…

Almaz – 29:26minsYeah.

‘B’ – 29:26mins…complicated territory. But also… it’s a very… I think… it’s very difficult to talk about because culturally we idealise children as, like, angels that are so pure…Almaz – 29:42minsYeah

‘B’ – 29:42mins …and you know, inherently good and, you know, this so not realistic, flat view of what children are. At the same time, our culture is borderline paedophilic…

Almaz – 29:59minsMmm.‘B’ – 29:59mins …which is another, complicated thing that it’s… it’s very difficult to talk about. And there is this duality that if we somehow agree that children have a sexuality, this is going…

Almaz – 30:15minsMmm.

‘B’ – 30:15mins…to be very dangerous. With the tensions, the current tension of our culture, I think. But yeah, talking about ourselves, I feel that we all agree that we can remember things from very early on. Even if now when we think it, we try to see them as… Yeah, I don’t know how parents deal with this, with their kids, for example, I think that the majority of them just completely avoid the topic. Yeah. Which I find interesting.

Almaz – 30:48mins[Chuckles]

Yeah. Great, I think we’ll wrap it up there. But thanks so much, in taking the time – twice – to chat to me, and…

‘B’ – 30:57minsIt was very interesting. I really find these topics very interesting. I enjoyed talking with was, yeah, amazing.

Almaz – 30:48minsGreat, great!

‘B’ – 30:10mins Looking forward to see – and to read – everything.

Almaz – 30:11minsThanks, thanks!

[CONVERSATION ENDS]

[Image description: White speech box with black border shadows. Black text ‘As part of my research for my book, I’m running an anonymous online sexuality survey’. Dark orange text ‘bit.ly/ao_sexsurvey’. Black text ‘Anyone over 18 can fill it in, wherever you are in the world.’ Picture of coloured rectangles placed at angles with black border shadows. White text ‘Do you have guilt or shame around desire, sex or pleasure? Why/why not? Do you support compulsory sex and relationships education?’ on top rectangle]The sexuality survey is still open, so in the meantime please do fill in/share it as all of the responses are helping me make connections between the ways in which we’ve been socialised and our relationship to sexuality.

[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke]

This month’s ‘POSTSCRIPT’ is a special edition preview featuring ‘B’’s full written answers to my sexuality survey. This month I’ve made the content available for all subscribers and you’ll receive it on Wednesday 9 February.

To access all past and future ‘POSTSCRIPT’ mailouts, upgrade to a paid subscription.

If you enjoy this content and would like to support please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’.

If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to also send a contribution via PayPal. It’s my birthday today, so if you’re into special occasion gifting, I’d be extra happy to receive something!

Get full access to She Dares To Say at almazohene.substack.com/subscribe

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These guest posts are free for readers, but Almaz pays all guest writers/thinkers out of her own pocket. If you enjoy this content and would like to support please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’. If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to also send a contribution via PayPal.You can also show your enjoyment without spending £££, by liking, commenting or sharing 😃

PSA: Due to a tech issue, the early August mailout has been delayed. Please expect Almaz’s usual personal essay a little later on in August.

[Image description: Text ‘Photography Shop’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke highlighted segment]

I was away from here for long enough to forget what living in a casual state of insanity was like. For to live amongst white people, is to divide the mind. Perhaps it is only now that I have gained perspective; shielding from the cold in this tiny, cluttered, inaccessible council flat. Eating nutrient deficient produce (labelled ‘organic’), feeling the familiar nausea and pains of disappointment with the lack of access and this life that I have been dealt. Yes, maybe it is only now that I can view my experiences of Ghana, with perspective. The kind of perspective that comes from chilling sobriety.

For the reprieve of being in a Black Majority Nation with heavenly humidity, space and slow-down, there is a price. ‘Balance’, some would call it. A tax, to me. Or a debt owed to society: for daring to exist outside of its norms, for challenging its structures, for existing where I should not be known or seen. Being a Black, Disabled, Queer, Diasporan Woman in Ghana, is not for the faint of heart. Nor is it for anyone else, for that matter. Who wants to live a life of oppression, isolation, flagrant disrespect, dehumanisation and frustration? Especially not if you have to pay for the ‘pleasure’.

I was in the mall – the place where folks go either to browse or to be noticed. The place where you cannot buy biscuits, unless you have a sure way of paying your rent for the month. A place that divides the ‘haves’ and ‘have-nots’. In the social strata within Ghana, I, a disabled woman, am meant to be firmly placed within the very bottom of the latter category. That is to say, I am non-existent in the minds and assault the sensibilities of the general society. Unseen, unheard… and grateful for that consideration. After all, I wouldn’t want to draw such attention to my flaw (aka God’s error). God forbid...

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I was trying to get some passport photos taken. I was so grateful for the photography shop’s presence in the mall. For once, capitalism and colonisation had served me (the mall is one of the few mostly wheelchair accessible, social places in the city). Perhaps it was my glee at something going according to plan in this slow-paced, haphazard city, but I was slightly taken aback by the silence that fell over the shop, as I entered. I was almost unnerved by the pointblank stares of everyone in the waiting area, the staff and my own reflection in the computer screens. I say almost, as I had long gotten used to psyching myself up before ordering an uber to leave the compound. Putting on my armour of ‘I don’t care’, ‘I am a GODDESS’, ‘I am drop dead gorgeous’, ‘They’re just being annoying’, ‘It’s just lack of accustom’ and ‘You are being paranoid, because you are the odd one out’. Several layers are required for contact with the outside, you see. Each one with its own complicated strengths and weaknesses.

That’s the thing. I had to wear layers here in the UK too… But the configuration was different. Navigating ‘self’ as a disabled, contextually dark-skinned, large-bodied, Black Woman, in the belly of the beast, is often ‘race first’. Here we know that ‘all Black is Black’, and the attempt to remove oneself from that paradigm, inevitably proves futile. Yet, what happens to that default understanding, when all is quite literally Black? How do we configure our armour to face the world?

What I had been fighting – the invisible ‘beast’ – is now, not so apparent. Surely that would and should open up possibilities about who I could become… what I could now shed. Conversely, the battle, the weapons of war, became more diverse and powerful. The opposite was true: there is welcoming simplicity in navigating the complexities of race and secondarily Disability multiplied by Gender and Sexuality. For in Ghana, I am an aberration in the landscape. An obstacle to progress and refinery, in the colonised mind. I, single-handedly, undo all the attempts at advancement and civilisation, as seen through the eyes provided to Ghanaians, by our oppressors. I am sin, the fall of man, the gentile, the worst tragedy of all, the reason we need Jesus and Allah…

When you speak to the average Ghanaian, they will usually tell you one of two things:

“We don’t really have many (sorry to say) cripples here.”

“We don’t discriminate against persons with disability, here. We treat everyone the same.”

Subsequently, none of those opinions mattered in that photo shop. None of it mattered as I broke the silence to greet an elderly woman (with a very expensive lacefront and lashes), who had turned around to stare at me, from less than two feet away. None of the theory (or my armour) could prepare me for the dead silence from the audience or her steady gaze as she ignored my greeting and instead leaned back slightly, to look me up and down. I grappled daily with the pain of ‘coming home’ to be with ‘your people’, only to be rejected – not for your foreignness, not for your accent, not for your poverty level, not even for your size… But for this universally understood thing, that across all social groupings, makes you not foreign, but: a ‘thing’ to be pitied, whilst simultaneously being marvelled at – for its audacity to be seen in broad daylight, playing at human.

[Image description: Text ‘PRODUCED BY’ on navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke]

Kym Oliver is an unapologetically Black, African AND Caribbean, British, Disabled, Woman, with a wheelchair-ish case of Multiple Sclerosis. Kym a Writer, Speaker, Sex and Dating aficionado, ‘Peer-reviewed Vegan Food Critic’, Professional Cackler AND the ‘Official Goddess’ for The Triple Cripples (Twitter: @TripleCripples. Instagram: @triplecripples), the organisation they co-founded to increase visibility and highlight the narratives of Black and non-Black women, femmes and non-binary people of colour, living with disabilities. A multifaceted creative, deep lover of Anime and Nollywood villain hopeful, Kym spends umpteen hours staring at a screen, telepathically linking to an invisible, future audience. Support Kym’s work by making a donation via PayPal.

Note: Kym has also provided accessibility audio for their piece, which sits at the top of this email. Contact Kym directly for audiobook/voice-over enquiries.

‘She Dares to Say’ is an email newsletter by Almaz Ohene, a Creative Copywriter, Freelance Journalist and Accidental Sexpert.Follow Almaz on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

Get full access to She Dares To Say at almazohene.substack.com/subscribe

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[Image description: Text ‘#FixTheCountry #KillTheBill’ on a navy blue background with lilac paintbrush stroke highlights]

While I’m out here in Ghana, I’m commissioning Ghanaians/British Ghanaians/folks of mixed Ghanaian heritage to create content for these guest mailouts.

Edem prefers to vocalise her thoughts over writing them down, so above is her audio piece on the power of protest, along with a verbatim transcript below.

Transcript

00:00 mins [AUDIO STARTS]00:02 minsI was meant to be speaking to you about a protest that I attended in Accra, Ghana, in West Africa. This protest was due to take place on the ninth of March, however, it did not go ahead. This protest was born out of a movement called #FixTheCountry.00:19 minsWhich is a movement that was calling on the [Ghanaian] government to end corruption and work in the interest of the majority of Ghanaians. This movement was pointing out that the government has negated on its duty, as it relates to healthcare, roads, infrastructure and education. And it was calling on the government to do the right thing.

00:39 minsSo people were going to take to the streets to show their opposition. To show that the country was broken. And that the people that they had just elected only last year in December, needed to do something to fix it. However, the government got an injunction, citing COVID to stop the protests from happening.

01:00 minsSo the protest didn’t happen. Now, I strongly believe that the protests should have happened. And given that the government engaged in a voter registration program, subsequently, an election which included lots of rallies, and lots of towns and cities in this country in which people observe zero social distancing.

00:19 minsSo you see, I’m skeptical that they were concerned about COVID the moment we wanted to protest them. And it made me think about the #KillTheBill movement in the UK. The government announced a bill in which [the Prime Minister] was going to give police more powers to curtail our right to protest.

01:38 minsIn fact, it almost stopped us from being able to protest, but people said “No”. And they took to the streets, because we have a right to take to the streets when things aren’t working for us. We have a right to take to the streets to demand better, and that’s what the #KillTheBill movement did. They got out to the streets and they said “No” to this bill.

01:59 minsAnd the bill included giving 10 years, to the people who pull down statues. And that was a direct shot at the Black Lives Matter movement, which pulled down the statue of Edward Coulston, a slave trader, in the city of Bristol.

02:18 minsNow, I want to talk a little bit about the criminalisation of LGBT advocacy [in Ghana]. Earlier on this year, the government shut down an LGBT center [in Accra], citing that homosexuality is against the law. Now, it doesn’t say directly that homosexuality is illegal, but it’s their interpretation of the penal code, which was leftover from British colonialism – something that was exported from Britain to Ghana.

02:50 minsSomething that Britain, through struggle, because ‘Section 60’ happened in which LGBTQ people were criminalised [Almaz note: Correction – various sex acts have been criminalised throughout British history. See: ‘Buggery Act of 1533’, ‘Offences Against the Person Act 1837’, ‘Sexual Offences against the Person Act 1861’ and ‘Sexual Offences Act 2003’] They weren’t allowed to be talked about, allowed to be taught in schools [Almaz note: Section 28, which was repealed in 2003] and in government organisations. But people struggle. We had the pride movement, people struggled. People protested. And eventually, they won.

03:17 minsAnd that is what we must do here in Ghana. We must struggle. We must fight for what is right for people’s rights to exist. And it’s very interesting to me because protest is such a hot topic here in Ghana, right. Even to have a protest on any issue, perhaps one that has nothing to do with the government, you need to get permission from the police, although the law doesn’t say so, right. We are guaranteed the right to protest in the law.03:48 minsBut it’s common practice to ask the police for permission before approach. If you don’t do this, you will face severe consequences from the law for not asking for permission to protest. But asking for permission to protest defeats the whole point of a protest. I mean protesters should make it known that they’re going to, in order for health and safety. However, explicit permission from the police to protest… it’s a sign of backwardness as far as I’m concerned. 04:18 minsHowever, this is something that people deal with here in Ghana. And it’s so interesting to me because the very foundation… the very… years that culminated in our independence [were] filled with mass protests. We protest[ed] for our right for self-determination, and our protest the very thing that is criminalised.

04:39 minsBecause the people in power now know that it works. Know that it can move people. Know that we can use it to hold them accountable, so they tried to suppress us through the protests. And that’s exactly what the #KillTheBill movement is about, is exactly what the opposition of the bill in the UK is about, because the government saw the massive Black Lives Matter movement and protests yesterday… I mean, there were Black Lives Matter protests in towns and cities in the UK, that there’d never been before, because people were completely outraged by what was happening.

05:16 minsAnd that is why they want to curtail our freedom and our rights to protest, because protests work. And when we say protests work, I would like you to take a moment to Google the protesters in Glasgow, that stopped a family from being deported… from being taken into detention and being deported from the UK. On Eid.

05:39 minsThe UK government, specifically went out to detain a Muslim family, with the intention of deporting them on Eid. And that community in Glasgow took to the streets. You had people physically put their bodies, underneath the van to stop it from moving for hours. The whole day the streets were filled with people who were chanting, who were was saying, “No, we’re not going to let you take these people. These people are part of our community.”

06:08 minsAnd that’s really it; protests work. Getting out on the streets works. A part of me feels very sad because right now the government in Ghana won. They won the first round. They minimised the movement. They stopped us from going to the streets. But they’re going to carry on to take the actions that they want to take, which is going to impact the lives of so many Ghanaians. And it makes me incredibly sad.

06:36 minsBut I really hope that people learn their lesson here, that you can’t negotiate with people for your freedom; you have to take a stand. You have to stand in the streets and you have to demand it. And that’s the way that you’re going to win.

06:50 mins[AUDIO ENDS]

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Today’s thoughts were shared by Edem Ntumy, a political activist whose work ranges from anti-racism, feminism and Black liberation. She is currently the Co-Director of award-wining community organisation, Decolonising Contraception, and co-host of the podcast The Sex Agenda. Follow Edem on Twitter and Instagram. Or support Edem’s work by making a donation via PayPal.‘She Dares to Say’ is an email newsletter by Almaz Ohene, a Creative Copywriter, Freelance Journalist and Accidental Sexpert. Follow Almaz on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

If you would like to support ‘She Dares to Say’, please consider becoming a paid subscriber, or if you would prefer to make a one-off donation, you can also send a contribution via PayPal.

Get full access to She Dares To Say at almazohene.substack.com/subscribe

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