Jojot’s Causalities: Recent Episodes
Paola Zamora Jojot
ONE EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY Audiobook in English from the book “Jojot’s Causalities” by Paola Zamora Jojot. The book is about causalities, cause and effect, synchronicity. Narrated through Paola’s own life causalities, she tells her story, her journey and her dreams connecting the dots in her life and understanding how everything happens for reason
It went on like this: Do you remember the great soapopera actor Arnaldo André? The one from the beginning of this book, my dad’sfavourite actor? -Remember how seeing his romantic gesture on the show, my dad thendecided to visit Paraguay?- Well he was an actor my siblings and I reallyenjoyed watching too. One day, I don’t even remember where from, I received theinformation that Arnaldo was going to direct his biopic in Paraguay thefollowing year, that a man named Marcos was going to produce it locally.
To me, it would be a great opportunity to meet a greatactor from the Argentinian Film & TV Industry, so I found out where Marcosworked, he was the owner of a small Production Company. I got his contactdetails and called every single day for two weeks straight, -The answer wasalways the same- “He is away”. After trying him for two weeks, I thought maybeit was a mistake, that there would be no movie or that he wasn’t going to workon it.
I gave up, I stopped researching about it, I stoppedtrying to find Marcos or to even think about the film anymore. A few dayslater, I was reading the Sunday Magazine, when I came across a full-pageinterview about a paraguayan filmmaker who was overseas directing a shortfilm.Can you believe the interviewe was to this Marcos guy I was looking for somuch? Thanks to the article I was able get his full name and to confirm he wasactually a Film Director. Of course he was away, he was in LA making a film. Neat!
I ran to my Facebookto look him up, I befriended him and sent him a direct message. With all mybreeziness and bravery, I introduced myself telling him I was studying dramaticarts and that I was fluent in English. I told him I’d love to act on his next project.He got back to me instantly. He was very nice to me, and told me he was awayfor two more weeks. He asked me to please take my resumé to his office, he’dcall me as soon as he was back and had a chance to look at it.
Exactly two weeks later, the 23rd of August, 2011 -Iremember it exactly because it was my dad’s birthday- we were getting ready forthe family asado -argentinian stylebarbecue-, when my phone rung. On the other side of the line, a producer namedLaura introduced herself, she was calling on Marcos’ behalf. I couldn’t believehe actually came back and looked at my resumé as he said he would. She told methey went through it together and that he asked for me, they had a proposal. Wearranged to meet the following morning to discuss it further.
I met with Laura, she told me Marcos was opening a newProduction Company, she also told me about the LA shortfilm. Marcos hired heras the Line Producer and she needed help with the upcoming productions. She saidthat Marcos liked my profile and he wasn’t sure what role I was after -actingor crewing-, but that they really needed a hand as crew. I was completelyhonest, I told her I was studying to be an actress and that I loved what I did.I also told her I was thinking of crewing one day, but that I had zeroexperience as Crew.
She thought that was great. She told me that with myexperience on set as an actress I knew the gist already, and that they werelooking for someone with my eagerness and spirit. I was inexperienced, so Icouldn’t get straight into my duties. She offered me to do a three-monthsunpaid internship -expenses paid only-, where they’d teach me everything Ineeded for the job, they’d get me ready. By the end of those three months, if weboth wanted to continue, they’d hire me full-time. She was also interviewing acouple of girls that afternoon, then, meeting with Marcos that evening tochoose the right candidate. Two days later they called me, I got the job. I wasstarting the following Monday…
Did you see what happened there? Crazy, huh? And to thinkthat all started with a piece of misinformation that I don’t even know where Igot it from, just after that shooting week where I started consideringto work behind the cameras...
Here I need to do a small parenthesis to link it withanother story I’ll tell you about in a few pages: By the beginning of 2011, a fewdays before my first day of Uni, I went to an audition for a TV Commercial. Ihad to say a few words about myself, so I said that in a week’s time I wasstarting dramatic arts classes, and told her the name of the place. The newProduction Assistant, Margarita, told me she was going to start in that schooltoo. A week later we ran into each other and we sat together in class. When theclass was over, whilst I was waiting for my dad to pick me up, we joined hersister Verónica and her group. Vero was in second year. With time, I ended upconnecting more with Vero and her class than with Margarita and mine.
As I was telling you: In 2011, first year of Uni -mythird year of dramatic arts altogether- I also started rehearsals with the TheatreCompany. It was completely different and more competitive, sometimes evenhostile. But like in any industry, there are some really mean people as theyare the most amazing people ever. Part of the job. It was an amazingexperience, unforgettable and unique. I learnt so much, it was my firstprofesional gig, yay! We rehearsed dancing, singing and acting. We had a seasonof six weeks, and after that, a lot of shows for school students throughout theyear. Each single show was different from the other. I also realized thatacting in front of teenagers was a real challenge, because you have to performin such way to amaze and keep three hundreds young boys and girls -full of hormonesand insecurities- quiet and interested, watching a two-hours-long musical.
In april 2011, I took a one-month acting workshop facilitatedby a famous paraguayan actor, whom I met when I was an extra for a few days onhis show. We were eight students, between them I met Celeste. Honestly I don’tremember who else was taking this class. With Celeste we exchanged contactdetails and kept the other up to speed if one had to skip a day or was late.When the workshop finished, we lost touch.
At the same time, I was acting in independent filmprojects. I started getting Thiago involved in the acting world too, he went toclasses and auditions with me. One day Margarita called me with an audition forhim for the 2011 American Cup. Thiago and his twin, Máximo, were cast for thisbig TVc. It was a hectic week of long daily shoots, where I -of course-accompanied them. Some where exterior night shoots until sunrise in the middleof winter. I enjoyed each single day, I was happy and with all the energy throughoutthe whole shoot. I was in Paradise.
Besides, that TVc was produced by the best Production Companyin the country and with the best Director of Photography. The vibes were great.During that crazy week, crewing started to call my attention. This was in June2011, that’s when I started to think I’d like to study Films and TV once I graduatefrom acting school…
What I am going to tell you now is one of the craziestand most influential causalities of my life. The one it blows my mind the most. Since I linked these factors,that turned out to be magical and understood how crazy and causally life is,the saying “everything happens for a reason” became my motto...
Well, back to my story: I did plays and shortfilms at school that year, as well we created with my class-mates and colleagues some amateur shortfilms. We did this to learn, to grow and gain experience. To seek out for our own opportunities, to create them. That’s how I spent all of the year 2010. Growing and learning in both acting schools and building up my resumé…
Since I was 18, I dreamed of moving to Los Angeles -The film capital-, and to live my life acting, in one of the biggest film cities in the world. -I even see myself at the Academy Awards Ceremony, I see the dress I’ll wear-. I set my goal to save up and move up there when I turned 21, as soon as I graduated from my acting career.
By September 2010 I was about to graduate from High School and I was studying acting. But I had to do something else -or so society said, so much so that I started believing it-. Since I was a little girl I was curious about being a flight attendant, I found it quite exciting. I never saw it as my goal but it definitely caught my attention. I only let it to be a remote fantasy because every time I said something about being keen to do it, my Mum would say something negative about it. What she said the most about it in a very demeaning way, was:
+”To be a flight attendant is like to be a waitress but on a plane”. -So what?-
So, all those comments when I was a little girl, limited me. But now that I am a grown-up I think about it, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with serving people, getting to know them, helping them…
Just when I was making a decision about my future -I don’t recall how but I ended up with the information about how awesome it was to flight with Emirates- All that admiration I had for that profession rushed back in. That company happened to be scouting in Paraguay next month, for new cabin crew. It was a big company and a huge salary, so my parents didn’t think it was a bad idea anymore. They bought me a nice suit like the flight attendants use, and drove me to the Sheraton Hotel for the interview.
That lounge room was filled with young people -like me- that dreamt about flying across the globe. That first group talk was awesome, they showed as videos and photos of where we would live in Dubai, they told us about the beach front apartment we’d be given, besides the high salary and all that world-traveling. Wow! It was a dream indeed. They measured my height -I am quite tall, so first test checked-. When it was my time to have a one-on-one interview, that’s when my dream fell apart like a balloon that’s been bursted. They told me the mínimum age requirement was 21 -I was about to turn 18-, that I should come back in three years time. Bummer!
Few days later, my dad -now excited with me being a flight attendant- showed me an ad from a big South American airline that was going to be scouting for new cabin members soon. -This time I made sure my age was within the requirements- I signed up. I arrived to the meeting at the hangar, we were so many people there. Again, group interview, then onto the next round and the next one after that. In each round, there were fewer of us left. I made it to the crucial round, the swimming test. My dad was so sure I was going to be eliminated because I never was a good swimmer. I only swam to survive and not to drown. Neither I was so sure I’d be able to overcome it.
I had hopes though, I trusted in myself and I was 100% willing to overcome my own limits. I went to the swimming club where the test was being held. I looked at the massive olimpic swimming pool with respect. -We had to go across it without stopping for even a second- I got into my marine blue one-piece swimsuit and jumped into the shallow part of the pool, to warm up with some of the girls I met on the previous rounds.
By the beginning of 2010 whilst I was doing my last High School year, I started studying acting for films with her. As I hadn’t graduated yet, I had to do a pre-University year. It’s like in other careers, when you take classes to get ready to start the career. I loved doing that extra year. I learnt a lot and I also met awesome people like Luz -who ended up becoming my best friend, and still is today-. Besides starting Uni more prepared, my Pre-U acting-in-front-of-the-camera teacher taught me something that imprinted my soul:
“You ought to create your own opportunities. Research, knock on doors, don’t sit on your couch waiting for Hollywood to suddenly call you and hire you for their next movie. They won’t, not if you are not making it happen”.
Wise words! They go hand by hand with what my sister Micaela told me few years back, about being independent; and with what a friend who I care about deeply, would later teach me: “It’s meant to be if you make it happen”.
Yeah I know, it seems obvious, right? But I feel like sometimes we forget that little detail “To create our own opportunities”, and we get frustrated and mad because our dreams are impossible. Of course it won’t be possible if you don’t set it as a goal, as a life plan. Because your dreams won’t go towards you without you beginning your way towards them first. Got it?
In regards of people thinking and having opinions about it, saying that “our dreams are impossible”, let me tell you they are wrong. “Impossible is just an opinión” as Paulo Coelho said -Brazilian author that inspired me a lot- Of course, it’s way easier to deny it than to fight for it. Shield ourselves behind the “I can’t do it” without even giving it a shot. This is what happens to the majority I’d say, it’s easier to say “I have no dreams”. What? That is in fact, impossible. Are you alive? Then for sure you have dreams and passions…We live because we dream. If we don’t dream we are dead alive. The fact that you don’t dare to say them out loud because you think you don’t deserve them or that they will never come true, that’s a different thing. Believe me, that happens way too much. It breaks my heart when I notice it.
It’s also easier to say “It’s an impossible dream”, than to write them down, set it as your goal and go for them. In love too actually, it’s easier to say “it’s complicated”, or to try to deny a feeling…than to give in and dare to love.
We think we are smart people by lying to ourselves with those silly fake affirmations. In reality it’s impossible to lie to ourselves. We can say one of those affirmations a thousand times, but we still won’t buy it. Deep down we know. That ends up frustrating us, making us miserables and unhappy. So, what’s the point then?
Stop trying to convince yourself. I extend you an invitation to go get it. Visualize your dreams and make them come true, but for real this time. Don’t half-ass it. One thousand kilometers are reached by doing one meter at a time. Step by step, but with your sight on your horizon. Start today with the first step, with all the faith in yourself. Set up deadlines to each dream, to each step and project. As I heard in a film that I can’t recall the name of: “Those ‘One day…’ never arrive, we ought to set a date for it”.
Everything is possible! Believe in yourself, get that in your head. You are capable of doing everything you dream of, if you do it so whole-heartly. The only limit exists in our mind, in our fears; and fears aren’t even real. We unconsciously set our own limits. We are our own obstacle. Our mind is stronger and more capable than we think. We can be our own enemy and self-sabotage our path.
Jump over your own barrier, overcome your obstacles and turn them into steps to get you closer to your goal. The same way you convinced yourself it’s impossible, you can change the mindset to: “It’s possible. I am capable”.
By the end of 2008, watching Gastón Gaudio play the final round at the Roland Garros, we all -my brothers and I- decided we wanted to play tennis, so we started going to play between the five of us. I was just back from the U.S. and had about three months off before the next school year started, so I signed up for a tennis class in the social club. That’s how I met Catalina, my tennis coach. As training and weeks went by, we got closer and closer. We became friends, so she started coming home, meeting my brothers and hanging out with all of us. Until she fell in-love with my brother Máximo and they started a serious relationship.
So, on one of those movie days at home, Catalina played for me the precise movie at the right time of my life. Do you want to know what film changed my life?: The Secret- the law of attraction”. It’s impressive the impact that documentary had on me. It was a before and after in my life, another thing unlocked in me. You didn’t watch it? I think you need to go straight away, google it and watch it. Urgently! If you did watch it, do it anyways…it’s always a good idea to remember such a magical secret. It truly changed the way I see and live my life. How fantastic! Right? I did watch it a few more times during the years after that day, and on each time, it gets me in a different way. I see it differently and learn new things.
You may think this is crazy, but that’s the magic of arts, am I right? A film, a photo, a frame, a theatre play, a book or a song; can get to you so deeply, that you are a different person ever since that piece of art touches your soul… That movie was meant to come to my life at that exact time. -I will eternally be grateful with you, Catalina, for gifting me with it-
Another awesome film that I watched with Catalina during those weeks is “The Pursuit of Happines” starring Will Smith. What a film, oh my God. I am fascinated by it, I love it. It has taught me so much. It inspired me to never give up, no matter what. To go for my dreams even if the whole world is against it. -Will Smith: You are a role model as an actor and as a human being, if I have to choose one person in the whole world to admire, I choose you. Thank you for all your magic-.
I experienced all of this at that time of my teenage years where one decides whether to dream and go for it or to give in to the deadly society routine and rules. At the right time where one finishes forging the personlaity, values and own horizon. Even John Lennon with “Imagine”, Bon Jovi with “It’s my life” and Frank Sinatra with “My way”, among others, reached out to my soul imprinting it with their beautiful lyrics, guiding me towards the most beautiful path: To be a dreamer. What an awesome path that is! I am so happy. In fact, I learnt that happiness is a choice and comes from within. Being happy is not a mood nor it’s an utopia, happiness is not a final destination. It’s the journey, the way we see and live life.
Every day we are more dreamers in this world, though I wish every single human being was a dreamer. Can you imagine it? As John Lennon said:
“But I am not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will live as one”
How beautiful that would be, right?
Something that gets to my nerves in big cities are the unhappiness-faces people have on their way to work. Today, something as simple as going about the city smiling is rare. Stands out, they look at you weirded out about it, but…damn it feels so good.
During my time in the U.S., I kept in touch via chat with my friends from Paraguay, specially with Ana, one of my best childhood friends. I noticed how she became very good friends with this new girl in school, Victoria. They seemed unbreakable together, all the time the two of them, in every photo. I felt curious about who she was. Funny thing is that Victoria heard all about me and felt curious too. She added me on Orkut -old social media platform kinda like Facebook, before it existed-. We started chatting a lot and we got along pretty well. And she lived two blocks away from me! That brought us closer and we became inseparable throughout our last two High School years. Now we don’t even live in the same contintent, but I will always be there for her.
I went back to Paraguay in December 2008 and started my High School paperwork, validated them from Spain and started school again with my same classmates. I must confess I felt a bit iffy about going back to the same people that were so racist towards me all those years. But I had friends there too, just a few though but I prefered to continue with them. After all, that school was like my second home for so many years.
To my surprise, almost daily I got one or two comments from my class-mates and from the other classes, things like: “Hey, I love your eyes”, “What a lovely smile”, or “I love your curls”. Those flattering comments plus those ten guys back in Florida, could not have been a coincidence. They saw something in me I wasn’t seeing, so I realized there was more to me than what I could see. Little by little, that ugly image I had of myself, started vanishing. I started seeing my true self, and not the one I created in my head. I started accepting myself, loving my body, my lips, my eyes and all of me. I started loving myself, and no one could ever take that away from me…
Funny thing is that my curls are part of my identity today, I love them and it’s the part of me I get the most compliments for. I decided to look at myself with eyes of love. Never again would I let someone else’s comments about me, condition or affect the way I see myself. You shouldn’t allow it either, because nobody can define you, you are the only one that can define yourself and can decide who you are…
Fortunately, my former class-mates grew up and were nicer to me than before, they still were a bit close-minded when it came to foreigners though. It was all good until, out of the blue, they started insulting me as a group again. Sometimes they were kidding, sometimes they really meant it.
Beyond those little teenage jokes out of ignorance, what I am never going to forget is how the teachers let the bullying happen and even laughed at it with them instead of making it stop. There is one particular day that hurt me more than the sum of all those years. And I am going to tell you, so I can finally let it off my chest because it’s something I‘ve never talked about with anyone, I never said out loud how bad that made me feel. But not only that, I’ll tell you, to as well rise at least a bit of consciousness on the subject; and if you ever witness an abussive behaviour of any kind…you could intervene and not be indifferent, because indifference hurts just as much:
It was very nice and subtle what we had. On my last week in the country, it was Thanksgiving day. We both travelled 150 kilometers away from the city with our families, but in opposite directions. My last weekend there and we were apart by 300 kilometres.
After dinner, we were chatting like always…when suddenly he was crazy to see me. He told me he was willing to drive for over three hours during the night, to come see me for a bit. He told me he wanted to see me and needed to. I told him that it would be a beautiful madness if he came. He gave me one condition: For me to confess my love to him. He’d come straight away if I was able to say how I felt about him…
I was a teenage girl, I was terrified of exposing myself that way. -And I still felt terrified for years- I was the most stupid back then because it was pretty obvious what we both felt, and it was in both directions. We were kinda exposed already. I said I wouldn’t say a word about feelings. That what we lived together during those three weeks should suffice as proof of how I felt. -I remember even having on my status something indirectly directed to him- I thought to myself that my status on Messenger said it all. He insisted, he asked me to please say it, he told me he was all-in but that first he needed to make sure, he needed to hear it from me. I kept playing dumb and didn’t give in. Stanley didn’t come to see me… -Gosh, what a baby I was- Thinking back, I cringe at my reaction, I swear. What was I thinking? Dumb indeed.
The following morning, Stanley broke my heart with his text:
+“I was thinking and you are right. This makes no sense, it’s pointless to let all these feelings between us grow. You are leaving in two days, there is nothing else to say”.
Stop! What? Then it hit me, he really meant it and only needed my verbal confirmation. I f*cked up. Damn. So silly of me! Why am I even surprised with his reaction? He was being completely rational, I screwed up. What else could he have said to that?
That’s all he needed from me to come running to my arms, to dive in. But I couldn’t handle it, I wasted such a magical moment. And I wasted it for being a coward, stupid, a baby, for playing it cool, just to not “expose myself and suffer”. Little I knew, I ended up suffering because of that and losing him to it. One of my most stupid acts in my life. I was only left with regrets when there was nothing else to do, wondering again and again: “What if I had dared?”, If I had let myself go with it, If I had let that love in, if I had let the bloody fear behind. What did I have lo lose by confessing my feelings anyway? That’s what he needed to give himself to me. On the contrary, choosing fear over love made me lose…
It’s been over ten years from that story. Even now that I don’t think about him anymore, it’s inevitable to think of him as something pending every time I remember it. Regret my cowardice, keep wondering “What if…?”. In one way or another, I kinda am still waiting to see him again. To look at those blue eyes and give him a big hug. Even though it’s beyond late, I’d tell him how I felt back then, how it hurt me not being able to have said it when he needed it.
So I went to live to Palm Beach, Florida, for three months. Actually the plan was to stay for six months, but causally there was a mix-up when I entered the country, therefore I only got granted three months. Thanks to not being able to stay longer, I was able to finish up the paperwork in time to go back to class at the same school with the same class-mates and to not lose one year of study.
To me, going back so early was awful at the time. But oh well, it’s better to seize those months and be thankful for them, that to whine and complain because I got less time than what I had planned. Right? Once again, when I understood what I came earlier for, I said to myself: “Thanks, God” -for having made me come home earlier, or I would have lost one school year-.
Those three months were like a beautiful dream I didn’t want to wake up from. When I was told we were leaving Spain, I never imagined I would be living such an amazing experience in the U.S., two months later. -Which wouldn’t have happened had we stayed in Spain-. We went back at the right time. We never know what’s coming tomorrow or next month, and that’s awesome. Makes living way more thrilling hey.
To be in The United States was like being in a Hollywood movie. Life and High School were exactly like in the movies. I went to High School to improve english. It was such a spectacular trip that wasn’t in my plans, but everything turned out perfectly. As they say, the best experiences are unexpected, non-planned at all. I was very happy there and had a great time. I grew and learnt a lot.
At the time I was taking the pill, a very strong one. I had to take it for six months due to my anemia. Iregular period worsens the whole anemia situation, and this would set it straight. Yes it helped on that, but it destroyed me. I hated every minute of it. It dried my hair up so badly that it didn’t grow for two whole years. My breasts grew quite a lot and I gained ten kilos in few months. And I was a teenager, all I did back then was to eat lettuce and exercise a lot. I never again took the pill, I know it helps some women, but definitely not for me.
Honestly, that was the ugliest I’ve ever been. I’ve never felt so disgusted with myself, so horrible. Funny thing though, during those three months, I had more guys throwing themselves at me than I have had in my entire life. I am not exaggerating when I say that I had at least ten guys from different countries trying to get me -I was shocked, so I counted them- and it was kinda at the same time during my months there. I remember I didn’t understand why, and kept thinking: “What are they seeing in me?” Those guys helped me rise my self-steem up. Somehow, as ugly as I saw myself then…for the first time in my life, I have felt sexy, desired.
To add a little something to that amazing movie-like trip, I fell in love. -Well, not exactly, but it was what a 15 years-old girl can think of as love, I just had a crush really- A love story had to happen to make a trip completed, hadn’t it? The cherry on top of the cake -as we say in Argentina-. But as always -or as most of the time- love arrives late, it arrived at the end of my stay. I stayed there for twelve weeks, but I only met him for my last three weeks…
It was very random: I met a friend of said uncle, and each day I met more members of her big family. I ended up meeting everyone but Stanley, whom everyone kept talking about. I met his parents, his step-mum, siblings and step-brothers, uncles and grand-parents. Everyone but him. I kept hearing his name so much that I started to be curious about him.
One day we were all together, -my second family and his family- watching a soccer game in preparation for the World Cup South Africa 2010. Suddenly a set of blue eyes pierced mine. Those eyes were standing behind me. I had no idea who they belonged to, I had never seen him before...
I did my research on where to study next, so I started an intensive acting-for-films course. Two weeks only, five hours a day. It was hectic, full on. I must confess that when I started I sucked at it, I sucked badly. Of course, I had never done it before, besides I was super shy. How could I not have sucked? But from that first day onwards…I confirmed that my true passion was to act.
Actually, people that met me after I started studying acting, don’t even believe me when I say “I used to be shy”. But I was. Acting transformed me, it gave me life. I started to loosen up a bit by the last few days of the course. And every day I liked it more and more. I was happy at each class, and I felt more alive than ever. I had found something that made my soul beam with passion, and that’s freaking beautiful.
A week after that class started, my parents decided that the best -for the family business- was to go back to South America. Our cycle in Spain was finished. Just like that…One June afternoon, as I laid sick in bed -with the chicken pox- we’ve been told about our new destiny:
+”In ten days we move back to Paraguay”.
In that moment, it was the worst news ever to me. Like someone just pulled the rug below me. My life in Spain was just so perfect. I was happy, I was doing good in High-School, I was finally studying what I loved and had lots of great friends. I loved Spain -And I will always do- What else could a teenager ask for? But all that amazing life would vanish in ten days! Not even with enough notice to process it, on top of that, me being sick and not able to spend every one of those ten days out and about, seizing it and saying good-bye. A bit over a week and my life will do another 180º turn. Could you imagine how -15-years-old-me felt? I felt my world crumble, I felt my world being taken away…
Well, that’s part of being a Zamora hey! Nothing I could do about it but accept it with good vibes hoping it’s for the best. We have two options when we are faced with a situation: Either we sink in a hole, or we look for the best way to see it, adjusting and finding the silver lining to it. So I think “Luckily, we had to go back”. Why luckily? I don’t think luck is the word, I don’t believe in luck. I mean, thanks to this amazing life, we had to go back. Why? Because everything we lived after that -I will tell you as we go- we wouldn’t have lived it had we stayed. And every year was better than the previous one. Now, knowing all that, I can look back and say: “Thank God we left Spain”.
I was able to finish up the course just in time. -All my videos with the chicken pox face though- I went back with a clear goal, I dared to try acting and I absolutely loved it. I would never give that up, I was 100 per cent sure that’s what I wanted for my life.
We arrived in Paraguay by the beginning of July 2008. I was organizing my quinceañera party for November with my Mum -though it’d technically be my sweet 16- I have booked the venue, made the guests list, we were working on decoration and the dress.
Few weeks later, something wonderful and unexpected shook my plans up again. Pedro arrived, my dad’s friend, that six years ago had hosted my brothers in the US. And straight up causally, without thinking about it, I joked:
-“Uncle, When is it gonna be my turn to go to the States with you?”
I remember that day vividly. We were in the car. My dad and him, front seats; my mum and I, back seats. Pedro turned to me and said:
+”Let’s go Paolita”.
Oh boy, my heart just skipped a beat. I wasn’t sure if that was a really bad-taste joke or a damn beautiful dream.
I said:
-“Really, uncle? That is my dream”.
He smiled at me and said:
+”Of course honey, if your dad says yes, we get your visa and we depart in two weeks”.
I was raised with my four brothers, that implies constant insults to bug and offend each other. But on some specific days all of them took it against me and in a sort of a chorus, called out to me: “Fat”, “black”, “Ugly”. Throughout my childhood and adolescence my brothers called me that so many times, that they distorted my reflection on the mirror, when I looked at myself on the mirror, that’s what I saw: An ugly, fat and black kid. Besides, at school people called me “lion” because of my big hair volumen, and eight out of ten people made a comment regarding the size of my breasts.
My boobs and my curly hair became my biggest complex. I wanted to reduce them with surgery but my dad didn’t allow me to. My hair I could handle though…on an insecurity outburst, I went to the hairdresser and got rid of that lion’s mane. I left it very very short. -Needless to say I regretted it within a week-.
I’ve had a very distorted image of myself by listening to other people. So distorted that if the guy I liked came onto me, I rejected him thinking he was making fun of me or was betting with his friends. I was 14 years old, the entire high school was french-kissing everyone or even having sex; whilst I was pushing away every guy that approached me. My best friend at the time constantly said to me to get it over with and kiss guys already. She even explained how to move my tongue when french-kissing. But I couldn’t even make it to the flirting part…
My 15th birthday party was happening soon. In few countries in America it’s a tradition to throw a massive party or to have a big trip on your birthday number 15. I was organizing my dream party in Spain when my brother Enzo announced he was getting married few months later. My parents and I decided to wait and celebrate it when we travelled to Paraguay for the wedding because in Spain it wasn’t a tradition and I had more friends and family in South America. When the time to travel was arriving, Enzo and his fiancée broke up, no wedding. That idea of travelling to Paraguay floated in my parents’ heads…
After that talk with Mica something changed in me. There is a before and after. I approached my dad and told him how I felt: That I really wanted to be an actress and I felt less important for not playing soccer. I think he finally understood a bit more about my dream and that it wasn’t just a typical kid’s dream. He said:
+“Honey, I don’t like that career for you, but if you feel so sure about it it’s for a reason. If you want to act, do it”.
So I asked him why he wouldn’t lift a finger to help me make it happen. He replied:
+‘’If you really want it I support you, but I cannot help you. I work in FIFA, soccer is my thing. I know exactly what and how to do it. But I have no clue about the film industry, have a look and tell me where you want to study and I’ll drive you there and pay for the monthly fee, deal?”
He hugged my tight and I smiled. I went online as fast as I could to research my options. I found a workshop being held at the adjoining city, where they travelled to every day for my brothers’ soccer practice. Lucca was injured so he wasn’t going to practice, I took the chance of the spare seat and went with them.
We arrived to the workshop, my parents joined me in it because they liked the idea. I went to the classes every day during my brother’s injury. When he recovered, he needed to go back to practice, in the car could only travel five people so there wasn’t room for me. I had to give my acting classes up for my brother to go practice.
That broke my heart. I felt that my brothers’ dreams were more important, they were the priority in my house. It was sad, unfair and discouraging. I got to my sister’s house and told her about how I had to quit for them to do their thing, I felt with no support from my parents again.
One of my dreams is that all of us as society could change that mindset. I have faith that the change will happen little by little. Dreamers inspire you to dream, so the more dreamers we are, more people will dare to dream. It’s like joy, contagious. It’s transferred from one soul to another unstoppably. If you or me get to soulprinton one soul, then that soul soulprints on another one, then that one soulprints on another one more…then like domino effect, who says this world won’t be kind, noble and completely dreamer? After all, to dream is free, no?
Dreamers energy is beautiful. They irradiate happiness, enthusiasm and energy. They go through life spreading joy and courage. To me there is nothing sexier and more thrilling than someone speaking -with that peculiar dreamer shinny eyes- about what they love. It’s beautiful to surround yourself with people who love life madly through their passions. What are you passionate about? What makes you tingle?
I see life as a deep and big blue ocean: If we stand by the shore and just deep one toe in to test the wáter, it’ll seem cold and we won’t dare to go in. However, if we go running towards it and we dive right in without hesitation, the water will be perfectly delicious and fresh. You had that experience too right?
Life is exactly like that. The more we think about it, more fears, insecurities and doubts will rise in our imagination; hence we will end up sitting by the shore wishing to dive in but not taking the risk to do it. Whilst we watch from the outside to those who dared and see how happy they swim and how much they are enjoying the water. The reality is we will never know upfront what’s coming, what’s in there for us around the corner. But if you do go with no doubts and just follow the first impulse…that feeling of happiness, freedom and wholesomeness that you get when you risk it, that tingling in your whole body; it’s indescribable to those who didn’t do it, and totally worth it.
I dive in life’s magical immensity. And you? Are you going to just sit there desiring you’d do it? Jump. Come on, let yourself go. Don’t get me wrong, it’s going to be difficult as hell. You’ll question yourself thousands of times, you’ll cry and feel like sending everything to hell at least a couple of times. If you are strong enough and don’t give up though…oh boy, every little obstacle overcome will make you feel better, stronger and more willing than ever. One of the best feelings in the world is to take that leap of faith and with time realize that you couldn’t have chosen better. You feel proud of your bravery, you are happy because you know it in your heart that you took the right step.
It’s about taking risks! Risk and reward. Sounds like cliché but it’s true. So, are you going to wait and think or are you going to take the leap of faith and go get it all? Are you going to torture yourself thinking what if or are you going to seize every moment alive, every opportunity? It’s all up to YOU. Life is what we want it to be.
I choose a life full of challenges, laughter and dreams. And you?
Going back to the story. Whilst in Spain I made lots of Friends from different cultures and languages and that has taught me a lot, it opened up my mind. One day on our way back from Murcia, Micaela lectured me the whole drive. -Thanks Micaela for that lecture and all the others!- I am sure she doesn’t even know that day she changed my mindset, she changed my life. It’s incredible how big of an impact -positive or negative- few words can have on someone else, sometimes we don’t even notice it. Soulprint!...
Ok, where was I? In 2002 my twin brothers travelled to U.S. for two months. They had a scholarship in a soccer academy. During that time, they stayed with Pedro, a beloved family friend.
In 2003, because we have Spanish blood from my dad’s side, he decided to give us the nationality, just in case, and to do the paperwork to get all of us the Spanish Passport too. At the end of that same year, my sister Micaela and her boyfriend Hernán, got married and moved to Spain together, on their one-year wedding anniversary. If my dad hadn’t done the work to give us the Spanish documents, the trip then wouldn’t have been posible. Everything just turned out that way, causally. Crazy, huh?
In 2005 we were spending summer in our house in Cordoba, Argentina, like we do on every beginning of the year. During our stay my dad decided we were moving back to Argentina -seven years later-. It was great news because we all loved Cordoba madly. We left out suitcases already in the house and went back to Paraguay for two weeks because one of my brothers failed on few exams and had to take those tests in February. So whilst he studied and took the tests we were going to organize the rest of the things and go back right after.
But…during those two weeks, the possibility of moving to Spain at the end of the year arised. Micaela has settled there and that makes it much more factible. My dad decided so because it was for my brothers’ soccer careers best. Besides he is Spanish and had always dreamt about living there. Saying that: By the middle of 2006 we were already living in Andalusia, Spain.
What’s my conclusion? Maybe you’d think this thought is silly, but I know that my brother failing those exams, -event that made us go back to Paraguay, delaying our moving to Argentina- it’s what triggered the trip to Spain. Can you see a bit better now, how these crazy causalities work? In that moment it felt like a huge bummer, but hadn’t he failed we’d have stayed in Cordoba, and that crazy Spain idea would have never come up. That was a little part of the causalities that led us to Europe.
What happened in Spain? The answer is: A lot. I will tell you few things about it…
During my childhood in Paraguay there were moments where due to the continous insults towards me and my brothers at school, we felt discriminated for being Argentinians. I had always dreamt about seeing Europe, but I must admit I was terrified we’d be bullyed again and with more intensity given that we were latins in Europe.
Throughout the years I learned ignorant people speak only because they can. That’s the kind of people that inyects fear in your life. Why? Just because they have nothing good to add to the matter, so they don’t look like ignorants on the subject they talk bullsh*t instead. -Little they know, their ignorance shines brighter that way-. People told me I was going to suffer, that European people treat Latins awfully, that they are xenophobics… Spanish people this, European people that, blablabla.
The question is: What do they know? They are not there, probably never even set foot in Europe. How would they know how it feels like to live in Europe? To pointless comments, turn a deaf ear. So many negatives comments I’ve received out of fear or ignorance, that I became fearful prior to moving there. I had contradictory feelings whether I wanted to move to Spain or not, thanks to life I had no other choice but to go.
And you know what? Those two years in Spain were the best ones of my adolescence. People were incredible, cool, friendly, upfront and really eager to learn about my country and culture. I was pleasantly surprised. I felt more like home in Europe, on the other side of the world, than in my own continent. Is it a matter of culture? Definitely.
Imagine though, what a shame it’d be if -because of the fear the peope injected in me- Had I decided to stay in my comfort zone instead...
As I was growing up, each day I was more and more serious about my dream of being an actress. When I watched films and theatre plays, I could see my self on the big screen and on stage. As a kid I always said I wanted to be an actress when I grew up, even though my parents thought It was just the typical “little girl dream” and they ignored it. But I was more certain about my dream each year. I didn’t do anything to make it happen though. I just saw it as a beautiful an impossible dream, plus my parents were against it… What could I do? They always thought that the acting world was a “sh*tty little world”, where everything was about prostitution and drugs. At the beginning that terrified me. However, I kept dreaming about it as years went by.
Later on, I couldn’t just ignore it anymore. I was certain that acting was the only thing I could see myself doing in the future, the only thing I really wanted to do. As much as I tried to ignore it, acting was a profound desire from my soul.
They hadn’t really been into that “little world” to know how it was, what people did or how It felt to be on stage in front of one thousand people. If you don’t experience something, you can’t have an opinion about it, right? But that’s the typical idea people from the outside have. Saying that, you can dive right into that “sht” voluntarily no matter what career you choose. That’s not about your profession but about your education, the values your family taught you when you were a kid and the friends you decide to have. That “sht” exists amongst doctors, architects, lawyers, astronauts and even actors. But it’s only up to you whether you choose to get into it or to go through “the right path”.
My parents did a wonderful job educating me, -sometimes a little too protectives, I’ll say- but they did great. As I grew up I started valuing it more, and undoubtedly, If I ever decide to have kids, I’ll use a lot of what they taught me. I am who I am thanks to them. -Thanks Mom and Dad! I love you and I am deeply grateful for everything you’ve taught me and gave me all these years-
I had it very clear that cigarettes, drugs and prostitution weren’t my thing. I never had the curiosity of trying it either. I was sure that if I’d come across those things, I’ll identify it and reject it. My parents education was in me already, their job was done. Now it was my turn to get rid of their fears and to have my own experiences.
After few confrontations with my parents I got them to understand that I could and I will walk down the “good path”, rejecting everything that wasn’t good for me. They did their bit, now they had to let go of me and allow me to walk my own path by myself. Dare myself to live and to dream, make mistakes, learn from them, grow and fly, fly very high.
I apologize, let’s go back to the story. In 2001 I went to the theatre in Argentina, to watch a play with my family. After the show, I met one of the actors, he also was in a very popular TV show at that time. We hit it off and exchanged email addresses -So old-fashioned- we started chatting regularly. I told him about my dream and that I didn’t see it possible, I didn’t dare. He encouraged me to dream and to go after my dreams and told me that if I really wanted to act, I should go for it and start studying Dramatic Arts. Those words were super valuable to me. I was so young but they came to me at the right time, and they were even more special because an already-famous actor was telling me them. After few months, this actor suddenly disappeared of my life. We lost contact overnight and never heard from him again. It was a shame because we became friends and spoke nearly every day on Messenger, we even video-called one another sometimes. With time I understood the meaning of him coming to my life, I had to meet him so he’d encourage me to be a dreamer...
Professionally they kept getting better and better. In the year 1986, they expanded and opened offices in Córdoba and in other cities in Argentina. During one of his trips to Córdoba, Felipe visited a little touristic town called Villa Carlos Paz for the first time and fell in-love with it. One year later, he secretly decided to buy a house there to surprise Beatriz.
Their business and offices were doing great. By the beginning of 1993, they moved to that house in Villa Carlos Paz. But funny thing, when Beatriz travelled for her graduation trip, in the year 1977, her and her class went to that same town. She fell in-love with it too and said to herself that she’ll live there one day. Said so and done so. She never mentioned about that dream to Felipe though, somehow, he felt the same way and bought the house. Big causality, right? She desired it so strongly that the universe led her there years later. So, be careful with what you wish for, it might come true…
The family also kept getting bigger. In 1983 Jorge Antonio was born, and died within a week. He is the little angel ever since, guiding and protecting them from above. In 1985 Enzo was born, then Beatriz couldn’t have kids anymore and went into treatment for years. Treatment ended up being too efficient and in 1990 she had twins, Máximo and Thiago. In 1991 another baby was born, Lucca. In 1992, finally the second girl was born among all the boys in that big family. That girl is me, the youngest of seven. Wait, what? Yes, Felipe and Beatriz are my beloved parents. They’ve been married for forty years now. Crazy, huh?
Our childhood was a constant back and forth between Córdoba and Paraguay. In 1998 we bought a house in Paraguay because it was going to be better for the family business and also Argentina started getting bad politically.
We moved permanently to Asunción, Paraguay. Honestly though, I don’t believe the word “permanent” exists in our family’s dictionary. Thankfully we’ve moved around and travelled quite a lot and I love that. -Don’t blame me for being a traveller myself-.
So, let’s process this whole thing. Shall we? Everything started with a silly thing like Felipe being drawn to visit Paraguay just because of a romantic telenovela moment. If it wasn’t because of it, perhaps he wouldn’t have visited Paraguay then or wouldn’t even have met Beatriz at all. If she hadn’t been invited to live in the US, maybe they wouldn’t have gotten married, they wouldn’t have had kids and I wouldn’t have existed. What if she had gotten invited and moved overseas a week before that 25th of May? Nothing of this would have happened, neither this book. What if Felipe hadn’t watched that episode? Or if he just hadn’t felt the urge of visiting that country. What if he had felt it but he hadn’t dared to do it because it’s “too risky”? Or if he hadn’t taken up the opportunity to have done it?
Perfect timing. See? Everything worked out the way and when it had to. How was he supposed to know what it would be like if he hadn’t tried? Thank God he went for it and all this happened. Wow! I don’t know about you, but to me it’s a magical madness. It blows my mind away every time I think about how it works. The more I think about it the more mind-blowing it gets. Isn’t it crazy how we shape our lives with each little decision we make?
From my childhood I have many beautiful memories, but I can’t really talk about causalities back then because I remember it in general but nothing too specific. I am certain about one thing though: The fact that my family and I travelled so much, truly changed my life. I am profoundly grateful for it because thanks to that, I’ve discovered another passion of mine. Travelling opens my mind, after each trip I become a better version of myself.
To prove you my theory of connecting the present with the past, I’ll go way back in time. I’ll start off with the 70’s. Precisely, with a winter afternoon in Mendoza, Argentina:
Felipe was about 20 years old, he was very enthusiastic and stubborn; among other things, he was a fan of the great actor Arnaldo André -an actor from Paraguay that succeeded in Argentina-. He was watching this actor’s soap opera from that time, and on that episode it was a rainy day. This romantic lead drew a heart on the window. In it, he wrote “Rohayhu”. –‘I love you’ in guaraní- whilst staring right in the eyes at the woman he loved, across that window.
Felipe was astonished with that scene. That sweet word in a language he didn’t know of, felt so romantic to him. He found out that was written in Paraguay’s native language. That moment had a big impact on him. He felt so curious about a new country with such sweet language, that he set a goal: To visit Paraguay. He had that idea stuck in his mind for a long time.
One day, his truck-driver uncle told him he was going to Formosa -Argentinian city, bordering with Paraguay-. Felipe thought that trip was the opportunity he was waiting for to see Paraguay! He joined his uncle with no hesitation.
When they made it to Formosa, they came across a big party happening in a little town of Formosa. -It was 25th of May, Argentinian Revolution’s celebration-, They tagged along to the party. Out of the blue, he was hypnotized when he saw Beatriz for the first time. They fell in-love with each other in that instant, love at first sight.
Beatriz was supposed to get married few days before that party. It turned out, they called it off. I believe that was a beautiful causality.
With Beatriz and Felipe everything flowed easily and quickly. They started a long-distance relationship. He started working for his uncle on his truck company, so he’d get to travel to see Beatriz more often. At that time mobile phones hadn’t been invented yet. In fact, land-line phones were a luxury of just a few people. They communicated with one another through letters, one big long letter a month. -Can you even imagine living like that? Dating like that?- One day, Beatriz wrote to Felipe a meeting point for his next visit. Unfortunately, by the time the letter got to Mendoza, Felipe was already on his way and didn’t receive it. Therefore, he didn’t go to meet her that night. In the meantime, Beatriz got really upset thinking he was in town and simply stood her up.
Out of spite, Beatriz went out with her sisters that night. Right after they left the house, he called to the land-line phone from a phone booth to say hi. It was too late, she wasn’t home anymore… That day, Beatriz decided to give up on their love.
He couldn’t do anything else to get in touch with her, so he went out for a glass of wine. He had no clue what was happening in Beatriz’s head in that moment nor that she was angry at him. But causally, them both went to the same bar that evening. She got even madder when she saw him. -In her head, he stood her up to go out- After a long talk, they cleared things up and made up.
She was upset and decided to give up. She had imagined the worst regarding Felipe. Why? Because she had no idea what was in it for her around the corner. She was going to simply throw it all out for being impatient.
That’s something that happens to most of us regularly, isn’t it? We imagine problems bigger than what they really are and we get so scared of it, so to “avoid” it it’s easier to surrender. In fact, when we have something “too good to be true”, or we think we don’t quite deserve it; we seek out for any excuse to say no to it and run away from it. We curse against God and against life when we think something is wrong. But what we need to do in moments like that is to trust and wait. We know that everything will happen the way it has to. So, why worry?
Hey there! I am Paola, but a lot of friends call me “La Jojot” -because of my Mom’s Surname-. I took it as my “artistic name”, to honour my mom. I am a joyful and positive woman, a dreamer, a traveller, an animal lover and a sunset collector. Art is the fuel to my soul. Ah, I am also stubborn and determined, when I set a goal in my mind nothing can stop me. People also say I am persuasive and persistent… As a dreamer I’ve decided to tell you the story of my life, dedicated to my dreams but from the perspective of all the causalities that have led me to them. I hope you find the courage to go after your dreams too, you still have time. There is always time.
Before I get started, I want to point out how difficult it is to speak about oneself. It’s so hard to tell your own experiences and to open up to a lot of people. I will truly give my all so you can get to know me and accompany me throughout this book. I will keep it real and tell you everything the way I remember it. -Changing everyone’s names, of course-
First thing you need to know about me is that my motto is “Everything happens for a reason”. This book is about life’s causalities, narrated through my own. I will be telling you about my work causalities, my love ones, and just my everyday life causalities. I am sure you must have heard of the term causalities before, and maybe even thought it was a total “cliché” or perhaps, wondered what does it mean exactly. Maybe you don’t believe in them, and simply think that everything is just a “coincidence”. Random facts…
Based on my personal experience, today I can say that to me, they are not a “cliché” and there is no such things as coincidences. Life is an ongoing chain of cause and effect. What we are living today is the cause to tomorrow’s effect. And tomorrow’s effect, will be the cause to the day-after-tomorrow’s effect. Am I explaining myself? SYNCHRONICITY.
An easy example: The crash scene on “The curious case of Benjamin Button” movie.
Spoiler alert
The chaos’ theory is explained. The film shows in retrospective, the chain of causalities that occurred for that car to run over the lead character… “What good has happened because of that crash?”, you might wonder. Thanks to the accident, she was reunited with her true love, Benjamin. -Brad Pitt-
End of Spoiler
Yup, even in the “worst tragedies”, there is a reason for it to happen. Nothing is a coincidence. Life is a magical chain of connected events. Everything happens for a reason! With this in mind, you’ll be glad rather than sad or worried, in every situation where you think what’s happening is “pure bad luck” or a “misfortune”. There won’t be any need to beat yourself up; because you’ll know there is a reason to why you missed the flight, or why that project didn’t work out, or why that partner you loved so much broke up with you. Life is setting you free of it for a reason…you’ll see. Be patient.
Every time something/someone is being taken away from you, it’s for you to be able to receive something better or, through that path, find it. So, why stress trying to find the WHY’s to each situation, right? Just let it be. Work hard on what you really want, do your best, and wait for it. Trust it. What is supposed to happen will happen. To me, it really is magic.
In fact, since I’ve seen that film -and few others that had an influence on me- and heard those phrases for the first time…I started connecting the dots, putting it all together. I’ve finally understood it, you know? I discovered that to me, the truth was:
Life truly is magical. And you know what? Time made me understand all those questions marks I had from years ago...
DARE WITH ME