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I used to follow this guy on Instagram. He would fill a bucket with paint and swing it from a rope that was tied to the ceiling. Maybe you’ve seen him. He had pink hair.

The bucket swung over giant canvases, usually black, sometimes white. He’d hold the bucket off the edge of the canvas and then let it go. It turns out paint pouring out of a swinging bucket lands in patterns. Symmetric. Beautiful.

Then he figured out how to put a bunch of colors in the bucket. Things got better. And his studio was a mess. Paint on the walls, the floor, and on him. A proper artist’s mess. I think that’s what work looks like. He just swung buckets till he got it right. Making a mess along the way.

When we were kids, making a mess was okay. At some point, we made it not okay. We stopped ourselves, mostly. The best artists make a mess. The best craftsmen make a mess. They aren’t sloppy. They’re making.

Making makes a mess.

And maybe the best lives come out of what looks like a mess. Someone making. Trying. Failing. Learning.

Less perfection. More making. Unapologetic making. Let’s go. Swing some buckets, friends.

Take care. Be good.

-kv

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"When faced with deficiencies instead of strengths and inclinations, this is the strategy you must assume: ignore your weaknesses and resist the temptation to be more like others."

-Robert Greene, Mastery

He's writing about Temple Grandin, the Colorado State University professor who was diagnosed with autism as a child and has been a beacon of what is possible. And Greene's advice is this: direct yourself toward the small things you're good at and keep working on them.

His point, and it's worth restating: our tendency is to focus on what went wrong or where we are weak. That's the mistake. We are all unique. One of one. Literally nobody else in the world with your combination of DNA and experiences. And when we spend our time on our "deficiencies" or our "weaknesses" we are wasting our time.

It's our strengths that matter more. I'm not the first person to say this, but unfortunately, as a world, I'm not sure we're paying attention. We need to move those strengths to superpowers. Then work on the next thing. And the next.

Leaders need to be cautious here. We can fall into the trap of trying to make people versions of ourselves. We find the deficiency or weakness. Likely, because we are good at it, it's easy for us to point out the flaw. Then we commit a leadership crime. We try to make you a version of us.

That's not what we want. We want people to find their superpowers. To cultivate them. To give them permission to work on the one or two things they can be best in the world at. And then we need those brought into the team. That's the whole point.

The same happens in the hiring process. Our bias for people like us is strong. We see people with strengths that we value. Absent those, we think less of the candidate. Why do we do this? Fear mostly. It's very human. We are worried about what can go wrong.

Instead we should be spending our time on the strengths. Make sure they are a cultural fit, no jerks allowed, but understand their superpowers, or their potential superpowers. If they're still young, what superpowers lurk that they haven't found yet. Can you create the conditions for superpower cultivation?

We have teams for a reason. Puzzle the people together. Yes, I made puzzle a verb, and I really like it. Puzzle them together like power rangers. Volume isn't what matters here. The number of rangers isn't what we're after. We're after the right mix.

Red, Black, Blue, Yellow, Pink, and then Green (eventually White). All different weapons. And personalities. Disciplined, serious. Or fun and energetic. Or timid but genius. Or the thoughtful and grounded one. Bring their superpowers together and you get one big blaster.

Power rangers. That's what we want.

Take care. Be good.-kv

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I was the product of a warrior culture. And I learned early on to suppress my emotions and respond to danger with great composure. I was never the plaything of greed or fear.

-Xenophon

Emotions exist for a reason. Use them. Understand them. This is a translation of something written 2,400 years ago. I think Xenophon (ZEN-uh-fon) would use a different word than suppress. But his point is still true. They can't own you.

Xenophon picks two of the most important. They jerk us around. Some little plaything for their amusement. I'd add envy. Fear, greed, envy. All designed for our survival but today they often do the opposite.

Fear isn't real. Sometimes it is. The bear on the patio is real. Fear is helpful for patio bear. Honor her. But usually, it's just a projection of what we think will happen. It's not necessarily true. Maybe not even close.

Greed. When is it enough? When are you enough? There is enough for everyone. The reason we have done well as a species is we banded together. If we'd kept wandering the plains by ourselves trying to hoard all the sharp rocks we wouldn't exist.

And envy. Admit it. You have it. I do. That little twang that comes up. Yes, twang. Not twinge. Twang like the vibrations of a guitar string you can feel in your belly. Jealous vibrations. Wishing for something they have or are. Use it as inspiration, but never as your puppet master.

Composure is what we're after.

Take care. Be good.

-KV

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The only permanent solution to your problems is to go inside and let go of the part of you that seems to have so many problems with reality. Once you do that, you'll be clear enough to deal with what's left.

-Michael Singer, The Untethered Soul

Some problems aren't that simple. They don't go away when we "go inside." They are still there. Real and painful. That said, I know that some of "my problems" are truly "my problems." They aren't real. The world works one way and I think or want it to work another way. That makes finding peace or satisfaction difficult.

Cherry Garcia (that's my third favorite ice cream flavor for anyone new here) has a propensity to accumulate right at my waistline. It turns that new summer bathing suit into a muffin holder. That's reality. Either I need to skip it, buy a bigger suit, or stop caring.

Understanding reality doesn't make all of the bad things that are real go away. They are still there. Maybe we can do something about them, maybe we can't. Seeing things for what they are and aren't is the only way we understand what is in our control and what isn't. Getting what we want comes after figuring out the way the world actually works, not the way we wish it did.

We say we want happiness or peace or satisfaction or money or whatever else. I'd settle for reality. From there, almost anything is possible. Without it, almost nothing is.

Take care. Be good.-KV

PS: If you use Readwise to save your book highlights, I’d love your help with something.

I built an app called Dispatch. I wanted a quiet place to sit with what I’ve read: to make notes, to hear my favorite lines read back to me on a run or in the car, to send the best ones to people who’d love them.

It’s on Mac and iOS, and everything syncs back to Readwise. I’m looking for a few friends and family to try it before anyone else. If that sounds like you, reply to this email and I’ll set you up.

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This is what I did today.This is how I fought to save the entire battle in my sector.These are the obstacles I found.This is how I plan to fight tomorrow.

-Niko Kazantzakis

I've written this in my notebook dozens of times since I found this a couple weeks ago. It feels so simply clean and fundamental. Some sort of clearing. An inventory. A reminder.

What did I do today? How did I save the entire battle in my sector. The things I could control. What got in the way? Name it.

Did I let them win or did they become the effort.

What does the general need to know so I can make a plan for tomorrow? The things I got wrong too. Especially those. Distracted by things I don't control. The time spent worrying. Or regretting. Or what others say or do. Stay in the weather.

A walk through. That's how I'm using it.

This is what I did today.This is how I fought to save the entire battle in my sector.These are the obstacles I found.This is how I plan to fight tomorrow.

Take care. Be good.

-KV

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A backwards way of getting things done.

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On the patio this morning. First time this spring I could start my morning outside. I sense something to my left. Last time it was a bear. A turkey comes over the hill. It's cold. But good. So's the coffee. Just me and her. She flips over some leaves with her feet.

I've been heads down in a few projects the last couple of weeks. It's been a lot of fun, learning, and mornings with no alarm clocks. Funny how when you are having fun you don't need them.

I tried to put the work down to do a little reading and reviewing. Old me set up a morning email that sends me highlights from books I've read.

This is the third time Seneca has come my way this week, so maybe that means something. Letters from a Stoic is one of my most highlighted (231!) books. I read through them again and picked a few that jumped out.

"greatness develops only at long intervals."

If there is one lesson I hope the kids pick up, it's that mastering their craft will take a long time. Hopefully their craft won't require an alarm. That jump-out-of-bed-and-get-after-it feeling.

"lighten your baggage for the march."

Things. Ideas. Emotions. Memories. Fears. We don't need to keep them in our rucksack. If it's not helpful, leave them on the side of the road.

"And as long as nothing satisfies you, you yourself cannot satisfy others."

I like this word "satisfaction." People talk about being happy. I'm interested in being satisfied. Getting to a point where you can be at peace with who you are, who you have, and what you have.

"If you live according to nature, you will never be poor; if you live according to opinion, you will never be rich."

Satisfaction probably never comes if I'm worried about what other people think.

"we suffer more often in imagination than in reality."

Worry is just time travel and imagination.

I hope you get a nice morning outside with your favorite warm something.

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The Price of a Thing

Things are expensive. Some things are cheap. Most of us know what we’re paying in dollars. We’re less honest about what we’re paying in life.

I’ve paid a lot for what I am now. The good and the bad. The jobs, the travel, the adventure, and now the wonderful life that is today.

Some of it worth it. Some of it not. We’ll spend our very selves to get things we think we need. Then one day sit quietly under a porch while it’s raining wondering where we spent well and where we didn’t.

I’ve paid for being right. That one has cost me. I’ve damaged relationships trying to win arguments. Needing the other person to see it my way. I think I’ve mostly paid the right price to keep the relationships that matter.

But mostly is a word that should keep you up at night.

I lost someone close to me not long ago. There’s paperwork and logistics, and underneath all of it, there’s seeing the things you know they loved. A cardinal at the feeder. A ghost wink. There is something harder in that wink.

What didn’t I pay. Our relationship needed work. I wasn’t happy with their end of it. But now that they’re gone, I’m realizing something. Maybe they needed more help than I was willing to give. Or able to see. I think they were managing things they couldn’t move past. And my frustration, and anger, didn’t allow me to see that.

I was too busy keeping score of what I wasn’t getting to notice what they couldn’t give. I’d trade a lot of things to have another chance. To ask different questions. To try to help in a way that I didn’t. I’d probably trade most things.

I don’t know that it would’ve worked. I’m honest enough to say that. Some things are beyond our reach. Some things aren’t.

All the hours I spent being frustrated were hours I could have spent trying to understand. The price of my frustration was clarity. And maybe closeness. Both gone now.

The price of a thing is life. Not money. Life. And the question isn’t whether we’ll pay. We will. Every day. The question is whether we’re paying attention to what we’re buying.

I’ve gotten this wrong, a lot. I’m still getting it wrong.

But it’s spring now. No condolences needed. Really. The daffodils are up. More winks. Happy ones. No grief here, friends. Just life. And we are all trying to spend it well.

Take care. Be good. -Kelly

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She has smile lines. The library has books.

It’s not really a library as I think of it. Low shelves with windows at waist height. Orchid plants without the orchids. All gifts for someone who lives here. But they call it a library, so will I. That’s where we sat for our visit.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my grandmother. Yes, at my age I have one left.

One of the boys and I were with her other day. We brought her photos. She talked about the people in them. We asked her questions. She shared. What she could remember. What she kept saying, in one way or another, was be positive. She said she didn’t like that word. But the opposite was worse. “There is no reason to be negative,” she said. I don’t think she completely believes that. Sometimes there are. Then she talks about her husband.

She’s talked about wanting to be with him again. He passed away 20 years ago. That’s a long time to be without your person.

She will get her wish. Maybe in a month. Maybe in a few years. We will all be very, very sad. I’ll be crushed. And in some small way, happy. For her.

And when I think about her, I’ll remember the raisin toast with butter. Lots of butter. The strawberries in cream with a little sugar. And the way she always wanted me to be happy with no strings.

Her face has the wrinkles you’d expect, but they mostly go up. She has smile lines. It wasn’t 94 years of smiling. She had a rough childhood. But mostly 94 years of smiling. I’ll remember that. Her smile lines.

I hope I’ll have smile lines, too. I think hers took work. Mine will too.

Take care. Be good. -Kelly

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Valet took the car. We walked in and it was dark. My eyes adjusted. The front room was smaller than I thought. I should’ve worn a jacket. Then I remembered. Princess Buttercup is behind me. They aren’t looking at me anyway. She’s got the room. She always does.

The host took us around the corner. The room opened up, but got darker. A beautiful booth was waiting for us. We were excited. My son had already picked out what he was going to order. The family group chat got peppered with menu screens, yellow circles drawn around what he wanted.

This is my friend’s place. I think he’s one of the best in the world at this. He’s my age. Actually a year older. We’ve known each other for 25 years. He’s on my 3am list. I know if I call him at 3am he’s in the car before I’m done explaining what I need.

He’ll turn 50 next year. For someone as successful as him, the last place you’d expect to find him is on a restaurant floor. Sitting tables, pulling chairs, checking dishes in the pass. Pushing some back. But there he is. That’s what he’s doing.

The old idea was “management by walking around.” Get out there. See people. Connect. Be human. Leadership requires connection. But walking around isn’t enough anymore. You have to do the work.

As organizations get more complex, people graduate up through layers of management by staying long enough. Eventually they don’t actually know what the job is anymore. They think they do. They don’t. When technology is changing and the market is changing, you can’t tell your team “go do this thing I heard about on a podcast.”

You have to go do the thing. Learn the software. Close the sale. Cook the dish. Clear the table. Write the code. Talk to the angry customer.

Two reasons.

First, the old reason. The team sees you will work. You’re not in your ivory tower. Good. But that’s the smaller reason.

The bigger one: you actually understand what you’re asking them to do. Not just what. Not just why. How. See the mechanics. What’s working, what’s not. What’s hard, what doesn’t matter anymore.

Most leaders miss that.

And if you want people to follow you, they need to know you understand.

This sounds simple. Go do the work. But do you? Do you really understand both what you’re trying to do and how it gets done?

If you haven’t been in the field lately, chances are you don’t. Not anymore.

It used to be called “management by walking around.” I think it should be “leadership by working around.”

My friend’s restaurant. The reason it’s packed on a Saturday at 5PM? He doesn’t walk around. He works around. He’s relentless about the team, the product, and the execution.

I’m gonna make sure I do less walking around. More working around.

Take care. Be Good.

-Kelly

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I was sick this week.

That doesn’t happen often. When it does, I don’t want much. Just not to be sick anymore.

“A healthy person wants a thousand things, an unhealthy person wants one thing.” Seneca I think. Maybe Epicurus. Some wise person with lots of quotes that people use.

I’m better now. And I already want more than one thing.

Build this. Read that. Run there. Plan that other thing.

That all happened fast.

Maybe most of us live like this. Maybe it’s just me. Not sick, we’re chasing tomorrow. The next version of a thing. Of us.

The better tomorrow. Always tomorrow.

The good times are just the times. You don’t know they are the good times until you look back.Sometimes you do. Those moments when you look around and say “this is good.” That takes effort too.

It’s not that things need to get worse for us to do that. We just need the contrast. See the difference.

It’s not always good times. Maybe its mostly good times. Good times today trying to make better times tomorrow. Borrowing today to pay tomorrow.

And then later never comes because when it gets here its just another now. Another not good enough.

That’s the trap I guess. Not striving. That’s fine. Even ambition is fine.

The trap is staying there. Never realizing it’s enough. You are enough.

Sick. Almost everything stopped. How do I make this go away?

All I wanted was the way I felt last Tuesday.

Last Tuesday was enough.

What time is it now? Probably good. Definitely good.

This isn’t about gratitude. This is about enough. Noticing when it’s enough. Then working for better but relishing that if tomorrow never comes we had today.

And that was enough.

Take care. Be good.

-Kelly

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“You are more than halfway to 90.”

One of the kids said that the other day. For some reason, it doesn’t bother me. Gramma is 93 and still going. I do think about how I use my time. Feels like a fight to do everything that needs doing.

Maybe it’s a better calendar system. Maybe it’s the 18th to-do app, integrated with a meeting transcription tool, connected with another that surfaces everything each morning.

There’s no shortage of 20-somethings on YouTube who have it figured out. A tomato timer. A color-coded calendar. An index card. Or fifty.

What they haven’t realized is that we won’t get to everything. There is peace in coming to grips with that. If you understand that, you stop trying to make it all work. You let go a little. And just do.

If our life lasts as long as the average person, we have about 30,000 sunrises. As someone said to me recently, “the truth gets lost in averages.” Maybe we should care less about how we manage our time, and more about what we fill it with. Not efficiency. Not output. Use. Because if we fill it with the right things, it will fill us up.

The most efficient me will never beat the most energized me.

My phone has never run out of time. It runs out of charge. Plug it in and it works. Simple. I’m not so different.

What gives me energy?

• A long run on a hot day. T-shirt feels like you jumped in a pool kind of run.

• A real conversation. Talk about real things.

• A sunrise. A cup of coffee. Maybe together. Maybe with someone. Maybe not.

• A problem that matters. Doesn’t have to be big. Just important.

• An adventure with people I love. Exploring. Learning.

• A person who gives more than they take.

• Work that helps. When someone feels it.

Do you remember the movie Cocoon? If you’re over forty, probably.

Aliens come. Their cocoons are at the bottom of a pool. A group old timers start swimming in it. They don’t know why, but they feel young again. More alive. More themselves. The pool gives them something they didn’t know they were missing. I keep thinking I’d love to take Gramma for a swim in it. Maybe we could kick the walker.

What they didn’t realize was that their swimming was draining the aliens inside those cocoons. Giving energy costs something. People don’t burn out because they run out of time. They burn out because they run out of energy. And usually, hope.

These days I’m less worried about how efficient I am with my time. I’m more worried about where I spend it. Will it charge me or drain it? Will the people I do it with give energy or take it? If you’re not in the right place with the right people, it doesn’t matter how long you plug your phone in. It won’t charge.

Hard work will make you tired. Like a good run. The right work, with the right people, will make you want to do it again tomorrow.

And sometimes our job is to be the pool, to give people the charge they need at that moment. Like one of those little battery backups for your phone you drag through the airport.

Time matters. Energy matters. Only so many sunrises. If you can get both working together, maybe that’s the key.Take care. Be good.

-Kelly

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The air tasted like salt and diesel.The Statue of Liberty was coming up on my left.This was the summer before my freshman year.

We were delivering a luxury yacht from South Jersey all the way to Old Port Montreal. I was the deckhand. I’m pretty sure the job was just a favor to my stepfather. But maybe not. Like most things in my life, this wonderful opportunity came through relationships. Looking back, I’m not sure how I got so lucky.

We brought her up the Jersey coast and around the bend. Just past the tip of Manhattan, the captain had us pull over. Fenders out. Stark white against old wooden pilings.

He said he could feel a light shimmer when we were on plane. “On plane” is when the boat comes out of the water and rides on top instead of pushing through. He suggested maybe he’d hit something along the coast. A buoy, maybe. A ding in the prop. “That would do it”, he told me.

He handed me a mask and told me to check the props. I looked at him. I looked at the water. And looked back at him. Behind him, the Twin Towers.

This was the nineties, and it was the Hudson. I was pretty sure humans weren’t supposed to swim in this anymore.

I can still feel the artificially rough deck under my feet. He had me tie a rope around my waist. A bowline, really the only knot I knew. He nodded with approval. I sat on the edge and eased myself into the water. I wasn’t afraid of hepatitis. I was afraid of the monsters under the dock. I’ve always been that way around docks. Still am.

The water was cold. And murky. I could barely see my hand in front of my face. A green-brown gradient haze. I ducked under the stern and kicked my way to the props, heart pounding. They came out of the murk. I couldn’t find anything wrong. But if we’re being honest, I didn’t look that hard. I was more concerned with what might eat me. No logic there, just fear.

I still wonder if the captain really felt a shimmer. He was probably just doing what some captains do to brash eighteen-year-old deckhands.

We kept heading north. Up the Hudson and into the Erie. Everything you might imagine. Small villages. Trees hanging over glass-like water. Kids in canoes. Almost the entire way, these waters were meant to be taken idle or just above. Go it slow. Not up on plane. And definitely not for a boat of this size.

When we made it into Canada, the owner joined us. I’ll save you his name because you’d know his company. Maybe your kids play with his toys. This was his new toy. He wanted to drive. The captain obliged, but asked: “please, go easy. This is a no wake area. These waters aren’t meant for our kind of wake.”

He looked up at the captain with a smirk. The kind of “whatever, I’m in charge” smirk. He grabbed both throttles in one hand and pushed them all the way forward.

The propellers bit. The stern dug down. She pushed forward and picked up momentum. Soon several million dollars of fiberglass, steel, and ego were up on plane.

I like to think those waves were six feet high, but I know that’s not true. I tend to exaggerate things when I look back, good or bad. They were easily three feet though, and they did what you’d expect. Fanning out on both sides, they rolled docks, tossed canoes, and sent people on shore into a rage. Some just stood there in awe of the audacity. This was not what you do here. He didn’t care. This was his time.

The Mounties were waiting for us at the next lock. We could see them as we approached. The captain was almost in a panic. This was his license on the line. It turned out okay. We got off with a fine. But the lesson was real.

We move through the world and through people’s lives, and behind us is a wake. It spreads out. The energy helps or it hurts.

I’ve been thinking about my wake. Not necessarily slower. Or less. But intentional. Or at least aware.

Take care. Be good.

–Kelly

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I heard once: you don’t always need new books. Sometimes, you need the old ones again.

So, I’ve been re-reading favorites. In one of those, I found the metaphor of the horse and the rider.

The rider is the rational self. The logical part of you. The horse, your emotions. Those emotions are your fuel for action. The energy and power that moves you. Sometimes helpful, sometimes not.

Some riders can be very controlling. Thighs squeezed tight against the horse, reins pulled close. Others let their emotions own their direction. The horse goes where it wants.

When the rider and horse work in balance, you get the best version of you. You harness that emotional energy in a good direction.

It makes me think of advice I got from an old timer once.

We were in the desert. Crisp, cool air. Wonderful early morning colors. He said,

“When you have to go uphill, lean forward. The horse knows how to get up. Don’t try to control her, just let her walk up one step at a time. She may slip a little, but she’ll recover.”

The funny part of all this? When I went searching for the original version of this horse and rider story, I found BTTY No. 89.

I’ve shared this story with you before, but forgot. So, that’s me sitting here shaking my head. A lost lesson. I’m glad it’s back.

Take care. Be good.

–Kelly

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It’s Sunday night. He has his favorite bottle of scotch and is settling into his weekly ritual: reading emails from every employee, each listing their top five priorities — a practice Jensen Huang started in the early days of NVIDIA. For him, this was about getting early signals. It was definitely about control too.

From the outside, some might call that micromanagement. Maybe even a bad practice. I’d call it unconventional.

Bad practices fail. You’ll lose, get fired, or maybe even jail.

Best practices are just common practices with good PR. Safe. Predictable. Average.

Unconventional practices. At first glance, you might even mistake them for bad. But often they’re what we’ll do tomorrow. Ford’s assembly line was unconventional once. Misunderstood until they aren’t.

What we’re really after is extraordinary. More than ordinary. That takes the courage to explore until you find what’s right. Not what everyone else says is right.

Sometimes that means taking an unconventional path. Sometimes it just means executing the basics so brilliantly you beat everyone else.

Extraordinary lives in both places. In the practices no one understands yet, and in the fundamentals no one bothers to master

Take care, friend. Be good.

—Kelly

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“Ego is about who’s right. Truth is about what’s right.” —Tribe of Mentors

I was chatting with Princess Buttercup the other night.

She’s built an incredible business. It has a real impact on people. Reflecting on something I was dealing with, I said to her,

“I wonder if there are only two states when running a business. On the floor in the fetal position or euphoria.”

When you’re in the thick of building something, most days are just a series of problems to solve. And the bigger your responsibility, the more those problems sit somewhere on the spectrum of hard, bad, or maybe even cataclysmic. That last one is rare. Most things are solvable.

Problem solving is what we do for a living—all of us. We have jobs because there are problems to solve. And while most people don’t like finding problems, not finding them is worse. Finding a problem is finding a place to get better. To make the business more valuable. Or to shore up an area where you’re exposed. So, relish the new problems. They’re a gift.

Early in my career, I felt I had to solve the problems myself. Maybe that’s natural. The younger we are, the more we think we know. Or maybe we’re just less willing to look foolish. That was me. But holding a position doesn’t mean you have all the answers. Usually, there’s someone closer to the pain who sees the way through.

At some point, I realized the job of a leader isn’t to have all the answers. It’s to make decisions and make sure the team has what it needs to execute. Leadership begins when the path is unclear. Take out the flashlight, or machete, or whatever, and go. Sometimes that direction leads to an outcome that’s not ideal. But you still decide.

From all of this I know I’m not responsible for the answers. I’m responsible for the decisions.

I’ve still got a long way to go on managing my ego, my need for approval, and my fear of letting people down. But my default now is to put the people closest to the problem in the room and ask, “What do we want to do?”

When the answer isn’t clear, people will disagree. Ideally, they will.

During a leadership meeting at GM, Alfred Sloan once asked, “I take it we are all in complete agreement on the decision here?” When the room nodded, he said, “Then I propose we postpone further discussion until our next meeting, to give ourselves time to develop disagreement and perhaps gain some understanding of what the decision is all about.”

That’s when the real work begins. Because conflict over the solution is healthy. What’s not often spoken is this: there are two kinds of conflict.

Personal conflict and problem conflict.

Personal conflict shows up when we’re protecting something. Sometimes it’s internal: fear, insecurity, the need to look smart or stay in control. Sometimes it’s external: status, power, recognition, resources. Either way, it pulls focus. It keeps us from listening. It turns the conversation into defense instead of discovery.

Problem conflict is grounded in standards and craft. Driven by the desire to get to the right answer, not be the right answer. That’s what people mean when they talk about “healthy conflict.” It’s not about ego. It’s about better. It doesn’t attack people. It attacks the problem.

The hard part is that these two are often tangled together. We think we’re having a good, healthy debate, but what we’re really doing is protecting something—usually ourselves. And often we don’t even realize it.

I’m working on that. On recognizing when I’m in the way. Most of the time it’s not intentional. It’s just ego. Or fear. Or maybe I’m just tired. But when I let that lead, I stop listening. I get stuck defending. And nothing moves.

We can’t forget—or ignore—that people show up differently in conflict. Some go quiet. Some get loud. Some need to talk it through and might sound like they’re rambling. Others hold back until they feel safe enough to speak. That doesn’t mean they’re not paying attention. It just means they process things differently.

If you want the best answer, you need the whole room.

Different perspectives. Different styles. All heard. All understanding. All contributing. That’s how you get somewhere.

So here’s where I’ve landed.

Conflict is good. But it has to be the right kind, and we need to be aware of the messy middle when personal and problem conflict overlap.

When we check our ego and fear at the door, not only will everyone be happier, but we will get better answers. Importantly, we can’t control other people, but we can control how we show up.

More truth. Less defense.More listening. Less protecting.More understanding. Less justifying.

That’s where better lives.

Take care, friend. Be good.

—Kelly

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“The quality of a person’s life is directly proportional to their commitment to excellence.”—Vince Lombardi

I don’t think it’s entirely true.

Plenty of people are deeply committed to excellence and still face hardship. Circumstances, ancestry, DNA, luck—those things all matter.

But it’s likely mostly true. Life tends to get better, richer (whatever that means to you), and more meaningful in proportion to how seriously you pursue excellence.

Excellence is personal. It means something different to each of us. Your definition and mine are probably not the same. And while I think comparing yourself to others is generally a bad idea, if you never compare yourself to anything real—someone better, something harder—how do you know your standard means anything at all? It might just be hollow.

Just comfort dressed up as conviction.

Maybe real excellence happens when it collides with reality. And the truth is, reality often exists outside your own head.

It’s easy to avoid that. Hard to confront it.That moment when you say, maybe I’m not as good as I think.Or maybe that wasn’t as good as I thought.

Of course, there are exceptions. You and I can look at the same piece of art and feel completely different things. So maybe, like just about everything else, excellence isn’t fixed.

Maybe the standard moves.Maybe there are always new ones.Maybe none of us are right.

But I do think this is true:Not everyone who commits to excellence finds an excellent life. But no one finds it without the commitment.

Take care, friend. Be good.

—Kelly

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"Bravery is a subjective virtue measured by how much insecurity, vulnerability, and resistance have been overcome when you’re afraid." -Mark Matousek

I keep a journal.

One of my favorite things about journaling is looking back on the same day from other years. Some days there are no entries. Today, there were 17. One jumped out.

I'm in NYC.

Mixed emotions.

I'm a little tight. Not sure why.

But I just read something that struck me.

We all have a natural desire to:

• Believe we're in control of our time. To operate with free will.

• Be intelligent. Even if only in our way.

• Be good

(Those are from Robert Greene)

Anything that challenges those beliefs makes us feel trapped, foolish, or morally wrong. That hurts. It creates frustration, sadness, maybe even shame.

That was two years ago. As I write this, I'm not in NYC. Lots of other things have changed. Kids went to college, jobs changed, and a few other things too—some painful, some joyful. I think I'm better than I was that day. At least a little more clear-eyed. And those filters still feel relevant. Still helpful.

Time

When I protect my time for what matters most, I’m better. Happier. And so are the people around me. I can’t control it all, but I need to control what I can.

If I am not intentional with my time, someone else will be. The cost is real. Doing the wrong things, missing what matters, or showing up without the energy to make it count.

Sometimes it means another meeting. Sometimes it means solitude. Or showing up fully at family dinner. I have a strong drive to keep charging, but I’ve learned I also need to stop and recharge.

I don't have all the answers. But I know this: saying yes to everything does not work. We need to normalize saying no if we want to use this resource well.

Intelligence

You might be book smart, emotionally intelligent, or my personal favorite, high in CQ, Courage Intelligence. Maybe, if you’re one of the fortunate, you’re graced with all three.

Some people worry about being smart. I know I have. I still do sometimes. But I think most of the world is working to avoid looking foolish.

The ability to look foolish to learn is a superpower.

It's a trade. You give up the arrogance that you might know everything, and in exchange for the humility that you probably don't know much at all.

When we shift from trying to have all the answers to simply trying to find the right one, that is probably the most productive place we can be.

Goodness

This one hits for me. Most of us want to be seen as good, but what we really want is to be accepted. Even to be loved. This is where we give people the most power. Our actions or inaction are viewed through their lens, their mood, and all the other complexities that come with being human. Our fears, stories, and expectations get tangled up with theirs.

Am I a good friend? A good partner? A good leader? A good person?

“Fail” at this, and it pushes on identity. When that sense of goodness feels shaken, it’s worth asking more questions.

Did I actually do something wrong? Am I being misunderstood?

Or is the other person dealing with something of their own, and this isn’t really about me? More often than not, that’s the case.

What I’ve found is that when do I get it wrong, it’s rarely about intent. It’s about impact. I meant well. It didn’t land well. That can be painful. But it’s rarely permanent.

Being wrong or making a mistake doesn’t mean you’re not loved. Or even liked. It doesn’t mean you’re not good. It just means there’s work to do.

When I feel off-center, I'm trying to slow down and ask better questions.

• What's going on with my time?

• Am I chasing someone else’s approval?

• Am I letting their reaction shape how I see myself?

Most of the time, they’re just working through their own stuff.

We all are.

Take care. Be good.

—KellyMore on Courage Intelligence (CQ):

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"One of the most confounding laws of human nature is that when faced with a task, people will work harder alone than they will when joined in the effort—a phenomenon known as social loafing. There is, however, an antidote. It’s the presence of one person who leaves no doubt that they are giving it everything they’ve got." -Sam Walker, The Captain Class

A story stuck with me this week. A colleague shared it, having picked it up from someone else. Stories travel like that.

He was talking about a special company. The kind that, when you add it to your LinkedIn, you shine a little brighter. It feels like you've achieved something, even if you haven't done anything yet. You're riding their train. The bigger the company, the easier it is to do that.

But it's not a train or a bus. Both carry mostly just riders. I see a ship. A Viking ship.

Not the pillage-and-destroy kind, but the explore-and-find kind. Adventure. Purpose. Direction. It has long benches with no space for stowaways to hide.

When there's no wind and the tide is against you, everyone matters. And, it's not just about effort. It's about alignment, pace, rhythm, and the people next to you. Are you helping or hurting?

Yet still, things change. I've woken up to realize that I've been in the wrong seat and even on the wrong boat. When that happens, it's on me to do what's right for the team. Get back in the fight, or pick a different journey.

Take care, friend. Be good.

—Kelly

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“Responsibility means recognizing both pleasure and price, action and consequence, then making a choice.” — Dan Millman

There’s a word most people don’t want to be associated with.

It sounds sharp. Dangerous. Maybe even wrong. But try building anything that matters without it.

In 1961, psychologist Arnold Buss described two kinds of aggression. One hostile, driven by anger and meant to hurt. The other instrumental and driven by purpose. This doesn’t come with rage, but intention. A response, not reaction. This is focused energy that is not violent but has no apologies for pursuit.

Be a good partner. Raise strong kids. Build something that matters. That takes aggression.

Aggression in the service of love. Aggression in the pursuit of truth. Aggression in the protection of what matters.

It’s not just helpful, it’s required.

The word relentless resonates with me too. But like grit or resilience, it feels safe. If you call someone resilient that is usually a compliment. It means you show up, don’t quit, take the pain and move anyway. That’s necessary, but not the full story. And not enough.

Sometimes, banging your head against an obstacle doesn’t move it. Maybe that’s when the relentless call on aggression.Not recklessness. Risk. Attack.

Call someone aggressive and most of the world flinches. And maybe that’s the point. Fitting in feels safe and that’s why most people do it. Safety in numbers. But you risk getting stuck in someone else’s discomfort. And that can keep you small.

Show me a parent whose child is threatened or sick. Or a parent of a child with special needs. They won’t just endure. They’ll fight. They’ll be relentless, yes. But they’ll also get sharp. Fast.

Because when something truly matters, you don’t wait. It’s resolve fueled by a kind of impatient patience. The kind that acts.

Or think about the neighbor who loads up a truck and drives 500 miles after a hurricane to help people they’ve never met. That’s not persistence or grit, that’s aggressive action.

What’s the cost of worrying about someone else’s label

Probably a lot. More than I’m willing to pay.

You’ve seen it used well. Steady. Unassuming. But when it’s time, they move with something stronger than relentlessness. Something that penetrates the problem and is hard to ignore.

When it’s paired with humility, it becomes something rare. A kind of aggressive humility.

It’s the willingness to pursue what matters without needing the spotlight. A confidence that doesn’t posture. It’s not about proving something. It’s about finding the right way, not their way.

It’s about results.

I’ve worked with people like that. I’m married to one. I think we might be raising a few.

To do something that counts, you’ll need to be aggressive. With intention. Not emotion.

And without apology.

Take care, friend. Be good.

—Kelly

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In order to be right, you must be willing to change your mind. If you’re not willing to change your mind, you’re going to be wrong a lot. -Shane Parrish

I’m wrong.

About something. Or lots of somethings.

We all carry a few strongly held beliefs. But if you never flip them, never walk around to the other side of the table, you risk building on something a less experienced version of you got wrong. Take one thing you’re sure about and look at it from the other side or at least another angle.

For example, I’ve always believed in working backwards. I first used it in the military, then to build teams and companies. Define the objective. Build the plan. Execute. Start with the end and work back. It gives you clarity and confidence.

Maybe the better move is to work forward. Start from where you are and stay alert to what the world is actually telling you. Hard in big organizations, I admit. But that shouldn’t stop us.

I’ve also believed education is the foundation of progress. Maybe even the point of life. But what if that’s not true? What if learning only works when it rides on the back of humility and courage? Without those, maybe we don’t really learn. Or act.

So, flip something this week. You don’t have to let it go. But you should test it. It should have to earn its place. That’s what I'm working on.

Certainty is comfortable. Truth is what keeps us in the fight.

Take care. Be good.

—Kelly

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To bear trials with a calm mind robs misfortune of its strength. -Seneca

Yesterday I met someone who runs fifty 1:1s a week.I also know someone who does zero.

Both are sure their way works.Both are probably right.

I used to say leading and managing is complex. Because people are complex.Today, I’m not sure that’s right.I think it’s simple. Just sometimes hard.

There is no right answer. There is just right now.With the information you have. And what your team needs.

Usually, the regret isn’t saying it or doing it.It’s wishing you had.Hard decisions.Hard conversations.Don’t worry about applause. Worry about what’s right.

Sometimes you’ll question yourself. That’s normal.Just don’t time travel.Worry and regret are just misuses of your imagination.What matters is staying in it.

Go.Exploring. Asking. Trying. Learning. Questioning. Improving. Facing. Acting.

That’s the job.Not knowing everything. Not having the perfect answer.But doing the hard things.

Because once you stop doing that, it’s over.

Take care, friend.Be good.

—Kelly

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“The problem is that obviously good ideas are not truly innovative, and truly innovative ideas often look like very bad ideas when they’re introduced.” —Ben Horowitz

When someone brings you an idea, what’s your first instinct?

I’m trying to start with:

“What I love about that is…”

And when I have a hard negative reaction, I try to pause and ask:

“Can you walk me through how you’re thinking about it?”

The best ideas rarely show up fully formed.It might not come out polished,but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

There’s always room to push, to question, to improve. It’s just hard when someone feels like they are alone or not understood.

For me, it comes down to this:

How do I want someone to treat my ideas?

As a critic or an accomplice?

Take care, friend.

Be good.

—Kelly

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“Abraham Lincoln wasn’t born on Mount Rushmore. He didn’t arrive in the world with his face on the penny. He came as we all do — a bare-gurgling bundle of possibility. Born, as we are, free — within some limits — to make of himself what he would.” - William Lee Miller

We ran out of water.

We lived on an island. And like many places not connected to the underground magic of modern life — city water, especially — you ran out of things. Our house sat on what used to be a coral reef a few million years ago. You couldn’t just dig a well.

I guess you could dig a well. But the result was brackish — basically nature’s way of saying, “Nice try.”

Under our house was a cistern. A big concrete box that collected rainwater. That was our supply. If it didn’t rain, we ran out. Simple as that.

So you learned to live with limits. For us, that meant what my stepfather called the Cruzan Shower. You got two minutes. That was it.

Fast-forward a few decades. I’m fighting different battles now — mostly with teenagers who treat loading or unloading the dishwasher like a human rights violation.

These days, I take my time in the shower. Rain from the ceiling. Somewhat indulgent. And a few minutes in, the mirror fogs up.

I’m still standing there. But I can’t see myself.

And lately I’ve been wondering — how much of the rest of my life is the same?

I think I’m seeing clearly. But I’m just staring through fog. It feels clear. But it’s not. It’s just familiar — and familiar is often unreality.

Obscured by ego. By fear. By defensiveness. Those three love to show up uninvited — usually right when something breaks.

Suddenly, it’s everyone else’s fault. The timeline was off. The tools weren’t right. Mercury’s in retrograde. Anything to avoid saying, “Maybe I missed something. I was wrong.”

That’s self-preservation. But it’s not understanding. And it won’t get you unstuck. And it certainly won’t help you do your best work.

The more I sit with it, the more I think the most important thing in life is understanding. Understanding how the world actually works — and how it doesn’t. What I control. What I don’t. What’s true and what’s not. How other people see things — and why they might see it differently.

Because it’s tempting to bend reality into what I want it to be. But the work is to see it for what it is. Because only then can I take the next right action. The next good action.

That kind of clarity — the willingness to face what’s true — I saw it in Lincoln.

You already know the myth: the dirt floor cabin, the rise to the presidency. What I hadn’t fully appreciated was how relentless he was about learning. Reading. Doing. Questioning. Listening. Understanding.

Sure, ambition got him moving. Maybe it gets me moving too. But I think understanding is what helped him make the turn.

Ambition became purpose. Because he understood. He saw clearly. It wasn’t about him.

You can’t do what’s required if ego and fear are superglued to your eyeballs. If you’re stuck in the reptile brain that’s been trying to protect you for the last few million years, you can’t interact with the reality of today.

That’s the work.

I think it comes down to my emotional maturity. And that’s mostly about understanding my emotions — knowing what helps and what doesn’t. Seeing when I’m being defensive. When I’m not. When I’m open. When I’m actually listening — or just trying to win.

Understanding makes that possible. It helps me move beyond ego and into something quieter. Out of that small, rigid room in my head — and onto open ground. A wide plain. Green grass. Puffy clouds. Room to breathe. Room to see.

But it doesn’t just happen. I have to catch myself. I have to sit with it.

Am I seeing what’s real? Or indulging in something more comfortable?

Clarity doesn’t arrive all at once. It burns off — like fog in the morning.

Most problems in life aren’t technical — they’re interpersonal. And the person I interact with the most… is me.

It’s hard to have that relationship if the mirror’s foggy.

The job is to clear it. To see myself for what I am — and the role I play with everyone around me.

The truth. The ego. The fear. The deception. The progress. The good. The bad. The potential.

Understanding reality — that’s the mission.

It takes time. Sometimes help. Sometimes pain.

But it starts with reflection.

Take care, friend. Be good. Bye.—Kelly

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“Being a trailblazer is difficult. It’s the road less traveled for a reason. It’s filled with doubt, discomfort, detours, and dead ends. Lined with naysayers, puzzled looks, and unsolicited advice from those stuck on the beaten path. And only scattered with subtle signs that you’re on the right path.”

— George Raveling

It’s still dark out.

I’m sitting here thinking about how much of life comes down to two things: creating or consuming. Every day, in small ways, we’re either making something or taking something in. And how we move between those two shapes everything.

For much of my life, I spent it trying to create. I remember a distinct moment in my early twenties, telling myself that I wanted to spend my life creating. I do think much of what’s happened in the decades since has been driven by ambition, maybe even insecurity. And if I’m being honest, a lot of that creating was probably for me—trying to prove something, trying to matter.

We move between these two states all the time—sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. Sometimes we create good things. Sometimes we don’t. But it’s always happening.

When my friend forces me to do leg day, like he did yesterday, I’m creating. When I binge the wildly entertaining show 1923, I’m consuming. And when the cursor just blinks at me while I try to figure out what the organization should focus on, I’m creating.

And whether we realize it or not, we’re always consuming part of the people around us too. That consumption doesn’t have to be passive. Actually, it’s not passive at all. Be careful who you’re around. Good people make you better. Bad people make you worse.

And when you find the good ones, slow down. Stop. Sit across from them. Really look into their eyes. What are the color of their eyes?

Notice who they are, what they’ve done, and what they hope to do. Let them teach you. Take in all of their lessons. Learn from them.

This is how we get better. And maybe just as importantly, this is how we create real connection. Because ultimately, it’s all about relationships. And it’s through those relationships that we find ways to work together to create things that actually matter.

I’m often asked about balance. How do you achieve it? How do you balance family and work and purpose and health?

It’s natural to reach up and take that word down off the shelf and try to apply it here, as if life is best lived in perfect symmetry. But I’ve come to believe balance isn’t the goal. Especially not in this case.

Because if all we do is balance—if we simply match every bit of creating with consuming—we end up neutral.

We leave life even.

The world doesn’t need neutral.

It needs progress.

It needs people who create more good than they consume.

People who push forward.

Who make things better.

The world wasn’t handed to us. It was built by our ancestors—Through work.Through sacrifice.Through creation. Brick by brick. Life by life. They consumed what came before, yes—but they added something. They left something behind.

Those people gave us a life that, for all its flaws, is still the best time in history to be alive. And that gives us responsibility. To create. To add what matters. And to remove what hurts.

What I consume, I become. And what I become is what I create.

It’s not two different things. It’s one motion. What I take in doesn’t just stay with me. It leaks out. It shows up in who I am. In what I notice. In what I ignore. In what I say and how I say it. And maybe most importantly, it shows up in how I make people feel when they’re around me.

Somewhere inside all of that—creating, consuming, failing, trying—there’s a question worth asking: what does it feel like to be on the other side of me?

Because I know, from my own experience, that I have the power to shape the environment around me.

I can create environments that lift people up. Or environments that pull people down. I do it with my kids. I do it with my colleagues.

And I do it with strangers, in small moments—the guy in the flat cap at the fuel pump next to me somewhere in South Dakota. We exchanged a smile on a random Tuesday morning. Hours later, by total chance, we ended up at the same roadside hotel in a sea of roadside hotels. Another smile. Small moment. A nudge to each other that we aren’t alone. Keep going.

One of the most important questions I can ask myself is whether I create environments that help people move toward their potential, or environments that pull them back and make them smaller.

It’s a real question. Sometimes it’s a hard one. But it’s worth asking. And whatever the answer is today, it doesn’t have to be the answer tomorrow. That’s true for almost every part of who we are.

Two thousand years ago, Marcus Aurelius wrote in his journal,

“My job is to be good.”

Maybe part of being good is paying attention. Paying attention to what you consume. And to what you spend your time creating.

Because whether it’s French fries or carrots, gossip or truth, noise or real work—what you take in shapes you. And what you create shapes what you leave behind.

And if you’re lucky enough someday to be sitting in that white rocking chair on a little porch as the sun goes down over a little green hill, God willing with some grandkids tossing a frisbee, you’ll want to know that you learned, you created, and hopefully you left them better than you found them.

Until then—

Take care. Be good.

Kelly

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When I think back to times and places that were difficult, they usually seem not as bad as when I was there. There is a reason for this, and it’s called Fading Affect Bias. But first, a memory.

We were deployed in Baghdad and in the midst of it. 18-hour days of grind. I’d beat the sun up and stumble over to the secure room we set up to access highly classified material. The coffee wasn’t great, but if Folgers was good enough for grandad, it was good enough for me.

We’d push pixels, people, and ourselves on that deployment. It was hard. I also knew I was pushing myself pretty hard. Too hard, in hindsight. Then one day, a buddy on the team looked at me and said, “Hey, I gotta tell you, you have to stop being so negative.”

He was a friend, and I love him for having the courage to snap me back to reality.

There was a lot wrong, like the hole in the roof from a rocket and the persecution happening all around us. And the Army, which comes with lots to criticize - bureaucracy, red tape, bad food, low pay, IEDs, and laziness. Some of that, particularly the last one, would be a reason to get out several years later.

Almost every day, I miss it. I miss the dust in your nose, the adrenaline at the gate, and unknown corners - real and metaphorical. I miss the new cultures, the lessons, and the flatbread with all the fixings from a little window in Sulamaniyah.

I miss the places few have been and the wide-eyed “thank you” when you change someone’s life with something the Department of Defense marked for the rubbage bin. Not to mention fierce friendship, the ‘embrace the suck’ attitude, and the ‘just don’t quit’ mantras.

I’ve been curious why I remember it more fondly than when I was there. It turns out there is a psychological reason, and it’s called Fading Affect Bias (FAB).

With Fading Affect Bias, negative emotions associated with an event tend to fade faster than positive ones. This fading can start as soon as the same day. When something terrible happens, or I make a mistake, I drag it around for a while. Over time, it fades.

It won’t all fade and often comes back when we don’t want it. At night lying there in the dark, a smell that instantly transports you or any of 1,000 other triggers.

“Dude, stop”

Fifteen years later, I remember vividly that moment riding in that grey SUV with the gold stripe down the side. My buddy looked over at me and said, “Dude, stop.”

What I was complaining about didn’t matter. Were there frustrating things? Yes. Did I think command could do more? Yes. Did I think some guys weren’t pulling their weight? Unequivocally.

Rarely does complaining make it better. By complaining, we are complicit.

Not only do I shake my head at the things that frustrated me due to their pettiness, but frankly, I’m embarrassed. I’m in the middle of a book by one of my favorite writers, and he’s sharing tales of WWI. The trenches, the starvation, and wave after wave of men walking into machine gun fire. Now there’s a reason to complain.

There I was with a chow hall, a mostly hot shower, and coffee each morning. Yet, I dared to complain. People were barely making it a few hundred meters away, and I had the US Government’s full force to ensure I had what I needed. And my family was at home, safe. Yet, I complained.

Note to Self

We will lose things, friends, and dreams. Complaining rarely makes it better. Often, it makes it worse.

Usually, there are worse things happening to better people.

When you find yourself starting to see all that is wrong, stop and flip it over. There’s likely more good than your lens is letting you see. Clean it.

I’m grateful for the fade, but more importantly, I’m grateful for friends that call me out. I’m also grateful that it doesn’t all fade. There are too many lessons and moments I don’t want to lose, including this one.

Take care, friends.

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Oh! why should the spirit of mortal be proud?

Like a swift-fleeting meteor, a fast-flying cloud,

A flash of the lightning, a break of the wave,

He passeth from life to his rest in the grave.

—William Knox

Is ambition bad?

Ambition often feels like a negative word: restless, self-focused, a need to prove yourself through achievement or acclaim. And that’s not new.

The word ambition comes from the Latin ambitio, meaning “a going around,” as in walking the streets to seek votes and curry favor. From the beginning, ambition has been about gaining approval. About proving.

I’ve felt that too, that pull to prove something, to earn approval. And I’ve wrestled with the fact that ambition might actually be necessary to move you forward.

Pick any revered leader and tell me they weren’t ambitious. Even the most selfless among them: Gandhi, Mother Teresa, they were driven. Focused. Relentless in pursuit of something. Was it always altruistic? Probably not. I think it started with ambition.

It still feels wrong somehow. But maybe ambition is essential?

Maybe ambition isn’t bad. It’s just unfinished.

It begins as a raw stone: heavy, unshaped, full of potential. Left untouched, it can weigh you down.

Worse, it can become a cage. You end up stuck inside, grasping through the bars like a howling monkey, reaching for morsels of validation handed out by everyone else. When ambition stays rooted in ego, you’re not building. You’re waiting to be fed.

Humility picks the lock.

It frees you to become more, so you can build more, give more, and prove less.

If you do that work, if you shape it, ambition can become something more.

It can shift from ambition to purpose.

Ambition is loud.

Purpose is quiet.

Ambition is about self.

Purpose is about others.

Ambition seeks to prove.

Purpose seeks to serve. To improve, others.

Abraham Lincoln is a clear example of this tension.

Most people remember him as purposeful, principled, almost mythic. But that’s not how he started. He stepped out of his dirt-floor cabin with burning ambition, a need to rise, to matter, to prove he was more than his circumstances.

His early drive to become a politician, to become president, was deeply rooted in self-focused ambition. He wanted to leave a mark, and he said as much. And when the opportunity came, he jumped at it.

But over time, that ambition was tempered by loss, responsibility, and reflection. He changed. His ego grew quiet, and what remained was purpose, mature, moral, and outward-facing. And then he was gone. His death froze him at the exact moment we remember him most for purpose. It likely overshadows the ambition that got him there, but that’s okay. Right?

He made the turn.

He did the work. On himself.

Ultimately, he delivered for us.

That’s the journey.

Ambition begins in ego.

But if we’re lucky and willing, it’s refined by failure, shaped by responsibility, and softened by humility.

Then, if we let it, it transforms into purpose.

I’ve wrestled with this more than I’d like to admit. I’ve spent years chasing credit, hoping it would fill something. I’m not enough. I don’t have enough. But with age and experience, that need quiets. It stops being about recognition. It starts being about impact. How are you going to leave people?

People worked hard to give us the life we enjoy now, and we have the chance to do the same for others.

In the end, maybe what matters isn’t whether they remember our names, but whether or not they feel our impact.

Life is short, friends.

Take care. Be good.

—Kelly

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"Beauty is the harvest of presence."

—David Whyte

What is beauty?

It’s the worn middle of your grandfather’s desk.

Snow in the spring.

A mother on a long flight.

A sip of something warm in the morning.

Walking through the leaves in the fall.

A child laughing.

My child smiling, finding their strength.

Sitting by the fire with her, the wave of hair falling across her left eye.

The green light when you need it.

An old book. A new book. A sharp pencil.

Standing with a friend under the soft shelter of a building, out of the hard wind.

The taste of salt in the air.

Opening your eyes underwater.

These are the real things.

Like the imperfect apple tree that has survived more winters than I have.

A cold creek.

Open roads.

Puffy clouds on a hot summer day.

A clear sky stretched wide over the desert.

Being forgiven.

Finding the maturity to forgive.

The imperfect friend who always shows up, wrinkles and all.

That’s beauty to me — the real things.

Beauty is truth.

It’s witnessing.

Recognizing.

Receiving.

Connecting.

Accepting.

Struggling.

Walking slowly through reality.

If beauty is truth, maybe the opposite of beauty is pretending —the hollow things, the times we perform and rush instead of simply being.

Life is a series of moments,and all it takes is a moment to be beautiful.

I’m still thinking about this.Thought I’d share.

Take care. Be good.

—Kelly

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"Pain is coming anyway. Don’t get a shield. Get a saddle. Tame it."

—Derek Sivers

It turns out, I’m scared of emus.

Okay, scared is a strong word. My wife would definitely say I’m scared. I’d say, I’m moderately anxious around them.

My reasons are valid. My sister has two, and they’re basically velociraptors from Jurassic Park — they hunt in packs. One comes at me from about two o’clock, and the other from nine. Both of them are male, by the way. I’m not sure if that makes them more or less terrifying.

They’ve gotten me before. Well, technically, they got my phone. It’s shiny, and emus love pecking at shiny things. But if I hold my hands above my head, I can usually turn the tables and they scamper off.

While I joke that they’re dinosaurs trying to eat me, they’re largely harmless. In fact, their wings are about the size of a human hand. Wild.

If I’m being unemotional, the worst thing that could happen is that, in a targeted peck for my phone, they might catch my hand. Maybe break the skin. A bandaid, and I’m back in business. That’s probably the worst that could happen.

(Although — fun fact — there was an actual Emu War in Australia in the 1930s. Humans lost. So. Make of that what you will.)

You might not be scared of emus. But there’s something that scares you.

Sometimes you go ahead anyway. Other times, you don’t.

Something worth asking yourself when you’re standing at the edge of a choice, or a risk, or facing an emu:

What’s the worst that can happen?

Not the story you tell yourself. Not the fear.

The actual, real worst thing.

Usually, it’s not that bad.

Take care. Be good.

—Kelly

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"Stand still. Let the forest find you…What kind of adult do I want to be?"

—Jerry Colonna

Some people are miserable at work.

Others love it.

Same job. Same company. Wildly different experiences.

One person comes alive while another counts the minutes until they can escape.

We tend to blame the person. Or the job. But what if we’re missing something deeper?

What if the real difference is alignment? the right combination of elements that make work feel energizing instead of draining?

The right work is about combining the right elements so your work generates energy instead of drains it.

The Foundational Elements

I’ve found that six foundational elements determine whether work gives you energy—or takes it away:

1. People

The humans around you shape your experience more than any policy, perk, or paycheck.

Do you genuinely like them? Do they challenge you? Support you? Make you better?

I’ve seen people stay in objectively difficult jobs because they loved their colleagues. And I’ve seen people leave dream roles because the relationships were toxic.

We're wired for connection. When it's missing, everything feels harder.

1. Purpose

Your why.

And no, it doesn’t have to be changing the world.

Your purpose might be providing for your family. Building something lasting. Mastering a craft. Creating beauty. Or simply the satisfaction of solving interesting problems.

What matters is that it resonates with you, not what sounds impressive at a dinner party.

1. Problems

Every job is just a set of problems to solve. The key question is: Do you love solving those problems?

Because, the problems will keep coming back. And good thing, when they stop your job goes away.

Some people come alive tackling technical puzzles. Others thrive on human complexity.

When the fit is right, you jump out of bed because you want to keep solving those problems. It’s not about ambition, it’s about energy.

If the problems drain you, that’s a signal. If they energize you, that’s everything.

1. Power

Call it your superpower. The things you're good at and energized by.

When you're in that zone, time flies. I get lost behind the camera, studying the light, the craft, and the science. It doesn’t drain me. It energizes me.

But if you're stuck doing something you hate and aren’t good at? That’s a recipe for burnout.

I urge patience here. Your superpower isn’t always obvious, and it can take time, trial, and honest reflection to uncover it. But once you do, everything shifts.

This is the most energizing, or depleting, element. Ignore it at your own risk.

1. Culture

Culture is how people behave: what’s rewarded, tolerated, or punished.

It's shaped by values, pace, and expectations.

If you spend energy pretending to be something else to fit in, that’s wasted energy. That’s energy you aren’t spending on the work. No wonder you are drained.

Critical is how your work can harmonize with your life. Can you do what needs doing outside of work too? Can you unplug to recharge? Can you be honest?

1. Compensation

Yes, money matters. But compensation goes beyond your paycheck.

There’s economic compensation: What hits your bank account.

Emotional compensation: recognition, appreciation, feeling like your work matters.

And experiential compensation: learning, growth, flexibility, and meaningful challenges.

All three matter. And the right mix will shift as your life evolves.

Periodic Shifts

Your needs will shift, and your priorities will change. And that’s not weakness. It’s growth. But we have to walk our own path.

Unfortunately, many of us end up following expected paths.

Someone might be a natural artist but ends up in finance because it’s “safe.” Just because you can win at a certain game doesn’t mean you should play it.

One day, you wake up with a LinkedIn profile, a mortgage, and a quiet sense that your life doesn't fit. The elements aren’t linedup.

Facing Misalignment

So what do you do with that feeling?

It’s easy to blame.

“The culture is toxic.”

“My boss is a jerk.”

“I don’t like these problems.”

“I don’t have a choice.”

“I’m at a disadvantage…I don’t have those options.”

Sometimes those things are true. Often, they’re excuses.

Usually, discomfort is the price of growth.

From struggle comes strength. Search for good struggle.

Struggle without progress is just suffering.

You don’t have to suffer, that’s a choice.

The first is worth leaning into.

The second is a sign it’s time to change.

Be honest, especially with yourself. That’s the person we lie to the most often.

The Right Combination of Elements

Individually, the elements matter. But it’s the right combination at the right rations that can create something powerful.

Like hydrogen and oxygen: useful on their own, but together, they become water. Life-giving. Essential.

Work is the same. When your elements align—even imperfectly—they create energy. Meaning. Motion.

The perfect job doesn’t exist. Every role involves tradeoffs.

But work doesn’t have to be something you endure. It can be meaningful. Rewarding. Even wonderful.

The right fit for you, right now? That exists.

When it fits, the work is still challenging but it doesn’t drain you endlessly. It energizes more than it depletes. You feel pulled toward it, not just pushed through it.

And when that’s not happening? It’s not always a signal to leave. It’s a signal to investigate. To realign what you can. To grow where needed. And yes sometimes to make a change.

Because the right work, your right work, is out there.

Not perfect. Not easy. But meaningful. And energizing.

Take care. Be good.

—Kelly

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Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear’s path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

—Paul Atreides (Frank Herbert, Dune)

I had a friend once. His name was Rob.

He wasn’t old enough to drink when I first got to know him. But even then, there was something about him—quiet confidence, a sharp mind, and the kind of loyalty you don’t forget.

We all used to joke,

“I want to go out ankle-deep in shell casings.”

Since we were young, that was our naive way of saying,

“If it’s my time, let it be in the fight, doing something that matters.”

Rob didn’t go out ankle-deep in brass that day in Afghanistan. Probably because he was moving too fast. Too focused. Too committed.

That’s my guess. I wasn’t there.

He ended up saving his team and earning the Medal of Honor. He just couldn’t save himself.

There is zero chance he regrets that.I do wonder what went through his mind.My gut says—not much. He just did what he thought was right.

I’m sure he was scared—but how much time did he have to think? I doubt he gave himself any time for fear. He was too busy doing the right thing.I wonder if he had a moment like you see in the movies—where everything slows down, and he knows exactly what he’s doing…and knows it’s the end.

After the fact, we call him courageous. And he was. But I don’t think he’d say that.He was just being himself—being the kind of teammate you’d want next to you in a firefight.

And thinking about Rob made me realize something.

We talk a lot about intelligence—IQ.We built tests to measure it. Built systems around it. For a while, it defined success.

Then we started talking about another kind of intelligence: EQ. Emotional intelligence. The ability to understand yourself and others. To stay grounded. Connected.

Both matter.

But I think there’s another kind worth naming.

Courage Intelligence (CQ)

Maybe some people are more courageous by nature.

Or maybe some are just better at recognizing fear, putting it in the right bucket, and choosing to act when it matters.

My conclusion:

Fear is universal. Courage is learnable.

And how we manage the gap between fear and action—that space between knowing what’s right and doing it—can be the difference between realizing our potential… or not.

Courage isn’t forced—it’s found as we walk our path with intention. It’s not spontaneous—it’s practiced, imagined, internalized.

Here’s a framework:

The Courage Path

1. Respond, Don’t React

Understand when fear is present.

“I’m afraid of ___—now let me think, not just react.”

2. What’s Real?

Separate real threats from imagined ones.

“What is true, and what am I making up?”

3. Check Values, Consider Outcomes

Reconnect with what matters. Think clearly about what’s at stake.

“Is this important enough to act on? What’s the cost of action—or inaction?”

4. Act

Move forward with clarity. Keep your head up—fear will look for an opening.

“What story do I want to tell when I’m 80?”

This isn’t a one-time choice—it’s a path.One you walk again and again.Walk this path often enough, and it becomes familiar.

Fear might still visit, but it won’t lead.

With each step, your CQ grows.

That’s what Rob did—without hesitation.Because he’d walked this path, at least in his mind, many times before. His values ran so deep, there wasn’t time for fear to wedge itself between him and what was right—for him.

He won’t be here to tell the story when he is 80, but because of him, others will.

We all have a path to walk.

Take care. Be good.

—Kelly

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We do not lack ability. We just lack courage. It all comes down to courage.

—Ichiro Kishimi

We want to be liked. I know I do.

Whether for financial security or just fitting in, we shape our choices in ways we don’t always notice. Little by little, we trade pieces of ourselves for acceptance. We try to say the right things, wear the right clothes, and sometimes signal belonging by what we drive.

It’s instinct. A thousand years ago, getting kicked out of the group could mean death. That fear is wired into us. But here’s the irony:

The people who make the biggest impact—and are the most free—aren’t the ones trying to please everyone. They stop shaping themselves around what the world expects and start shaping their world around who they really are.

Sometimes the hard part is realizing you’re conforming. But getting comfortable with not being liked is a powerful shift. If someone dislikes me, it probably means I’ve stopped outsourcing approval—and I’m more free.

Real freedom doesn’t come from money. It comes when you dare to be disliked.

Something I’m working on and thought I’d share.

Take care, friend. Be good.

—Kelly

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Your fears are a kind of prison that confines you within a limited range of action. The less you fear, the more power you will have and the more fully you will live.

—50 Cent

Some events have me repeating a phrase to myself:

You'll regret the uncomfortable conversations you avoid more than the ones you have.

I'm thinking about a conversation or two I didn't have, and now it's too late. I rationalized them away either to protect myself or the other person. My lack of courage kept me silent.

The truth is I was probably scared - scared of how they would react. I'd either hurt them, or they would tell me a truth about myself I didn't want to hear. Thinking about it now, I bet it would have erased the pain for both of us - we'll never know.

It is one of the most painful lessons of my life. I hope you can take my lesson with you and find it helpful.

Take care, friend. Be good. -Kelly

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We are anxious to improve our circumstances but are unwilling to improve ourselves.

—James Allen

Everything worthwhile takes time, discipline, and a willingness to face hard truths. And those truths can be uncomfortable. Here are a few you might find helpful. I’ve run into them and tried to act appropriately. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I get them wrong.

Uncomfortable Truths and Actions

1. No one owes you anything. → Take responsibility. Do the work.

2. Some people are victims. Most people just act like they are. → Stop waiting for life to be fair. You’ll be waiting a long time. Do what you can, today.

3. No one cares about your excuses. → Figure it out.

4. Your feelings aren’t facts. → Pause. Question them. Find your blind spots.

5. Most people want to be right more than they want to get it right. → Stop proving yourself. Look for where you’re wrong.

6. Most people optimize to avoid failure or looking foolish. → Optimize to avoid regret.

7. Motivation is a trap. → Discipline wins. Show up consistently.

8. Doing the work isn’t enough. → The right work, at the right time, in the right way—that’s what wins.

9. Knowing when to push through and when to pivot is hard. → Be honest about what’s working—and what’s not. Admit when you’re wrong.

10. Comfort is addictive. → Seek discomfort. Strength comes from struggle.

11. If you don’t adapt, you get left behind. → Evolve or become irrelevant.

12. Sometimes you’re the problem. → If the same issues keep showing up, look in the mirror.

13. Not everyone will like you. → If you chase approval, you’ll stay average. Be bold and have the courage to be disliked.

14. People who matter don’t care about what you own. → Focus on who you are, not what you have.

15. Most people follow the crowd because it’s easier and safer. → An extraordinary life requires risk and extraordinary choices.

16. No one makes you feel a certain way. → Your emotions and your mind are the only things that are truly yours. Control them, or they will control you.

17. No one is coming to save you. → You either figure it out, or you don’t.

18. We all struggle. → Asking for help isn’t weakness—it’s wisdom. Most things are better together.

19. Most people are self-focused. → Be different.

20. Tolerance is acceptance. → What you allow—people, behaviors, standards—becomes your reality. Choose wisely.

21. Everyone dies. → Stop wasting time on worry and regret. Use every second to create, connect, find joy, or do what actually matters.Be good.

Take care, Kelly

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Insights

No. 1

"Pride freezes us in our own image, beliefs, and positions." -Arthur C. Brooks

No. 2

“If you can approach the world’s complexities, both its glories and its horrors, with an attitude of humble curiosity, acknowledging that however deeply you have seen, you have only scratched the surface, you will find worlds within worlds, beauties you could imagine, and your own mundane preoccupations will shrink to proper size, not all that important in the greater scheme of things…” -Nietzsche

No. 3

Beliefs often come into our lives and get stuck

A Thought

Most of Life is Problem-Solving

We solve problems with as little energy as possible. Energy conservation is a survival mechanism. To help, we create mental maps of how the world works so we don’t have to process each situation from scratch. After touching a hot stove once, you don’t waste time analyzing whether it will burn you again. That shortcut is called a heuristic.

Another common heuristic, at least in some cultures: “Trustworthy people maintain eye contact.” The problem? Some trustworthy people struggle with eye contact—like those on the autism spectrum. And liars? They know the heuristic and can fake it.

Or consider hiring. You see a résumé from someone who reminds you of a great former colleague—same school, similar background. Maybe they worked at companies you admire. Your brain says, shortcut time! You skip reference checks and deep questioning. That just cost you a year of headaches. The opposite happens too: you dismiss someone because they don’t have the “right” pedigree.

As situations grow more complex and our energy levels drop, shortcuts become more tempting and dangerous. I know I’m more emotional—and more prone to bad decisions—when I’m exhausted. Whether consciously or not, I’m in energy conservation mode and looking for shortcuts.

Shortcuts evolved for survival. If a saber-toothed tiger blocked your path, you didn’t stop to analyze—you ran. But most modern decisions don’t demand that kind of speed. Today, the real risk isn’t hesitation—it’s acting without thinking.

Heuristics still serve us well in many situations, but we must recognize when deeper thinking is required. The key is knowing when your primitive brain is in control and when emotion might lead you down the wrong path. The irony is that pausing to engage our slower, more rational mind often saves energy in the long run.

Shortcuts aren’t the problem—it’s blindly trusting them or failing to recognize when you’re relying on them.

Take care and be good.

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Insights

No. 1

"Expertise coupled with strength of will is going to prevail." -Bill Walsh

It doesn't matter how good you are if you can't endure the pain.

No. 2

"If you are doing something primarily for money and without real emotional commitment, it will translate into something that lacks soul and has no connection to you. You may not see this, but you can be sure that the public will feel it and they will receive your work in the same lackluster spirit it was created in. If you are obsessive and excited in the hunt, it will show in the details. If our work comes from deep within, its authenticity will be communicated." - Robert Greene

There is a different feeling when you are around an emotionally committed person. This is true in relationships and business, and the opposite is also true.

No. 3

"Signs of a deep friend connection: Laughter is abundant. Honesty is encouraged. Support is real and active. Vulnerability is welcomed. You can put your guard down. You inspire each other to grow. You give each other good advice. Both of you feel stronger together. You help each other weather storms." -Yung Pueblo

How many of these friends do you have? Are you this kind of friend?

A Thought

For most of my career, I thought being good at something was enough.

A few weeks ago, I had dinner with a friend. He's been part of my professional life for more than a decade. He runs a very big business. While he sat in a position of authority 'over me' and is considered very tough, he has always made the space for me to be transparent and real. As I was on the eve of making a professional change, I asked him for his advice for my new role.

I've asked him questions like this before. The last one was, "What do you look for when hiring?" His answer was simple: "Care." He said,

"If someone cares, we can figure almost anything out. Some roles need technical competence, but if they don't care about the work, the technical competence won't matter."

I agree with that. Tonight, his advice held similar elegance.

"You have to commit, fully commit. Not partially, but fully. Do that, and you will be successful."

As I think back to my failures, they were failures of commitment. I went in partially, not fully. I was there for the wrong reasons. Maybe it was money, admiration, or something else.

The things that have worked in my life started with caring enough to commit. When you care and are committed, you work it and work it until you bring those together and gain competence. If you don't care (emotion) and aren't committed (mission), you won't stick at it long enough to make mistakes and endure the failures that precede competence (craft). Success comes when you have all three.

This is true whether you're building a business or a career. It’s particularly in relationships. The formula doesn't change: Care deeply enough to commit fully, then work to become competent. Skip any of these, and you'll always wonder what could have been.

Be good.

Kelly

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Insights

No. 1

"A strong leader accepts blame and gives the credit. A weak leader gives blame and accepts the credit." -John Wooden

If you’re leading, everything is your fault - but it is your responsibility. Accept that and get back to work fixing it.No. 2

“If you lose your voracious curiosity about tactical details, if you lose passionate interest in people and how they are feeling, if you insulate yourself in the protective cocoon of executive comforts, you may well wake up one day to discover your company has already entered a doom loop of decline and self-destruction.” - Jim Collins

The bigger the organization and your title, the more time you must spend hunting for the truth. You have to spend time in the weeds rooting out opportunities and the real causes of the problem or success. No. 3

“When someone speaks well of you, do not get puffed up. Simply say to yourself: 'If they knew all my faults, they would not speak so well of me.” - Epictetus

A Thought

These insights highlight essential traits of leadership - responsibility, curiosity, and humility. It’s easy to nod in agreement but how do we develop these and help others do the same? Recently, I came across this interview with Shreyas Doshi, in which he explains the relationship to agency and talent - he calls it the Agency / Talent Matrix.

What is Talent?

While often viewed as innate ability, talent in this context means demonstrated capability or competence. It's important to note that talent isn't fixed – what you are born with is not your destiny. Someone doing the work will eventually beat someone sitting on the sidelines.

What is agency?

This is the ability to make decisions about your work, take initiative, and influence outcomes. Someone with high agency can self manage and collaborate to get things done.

While talent gets attention, it doesn't matter without agency. People with high agency are:

• Self-confident and resilient

• Take ownership

• Excel at creative execution

• Communicate effectively and influentially

• Bring others along to achieve the right results

2x2 Matrix

To illustrate this, he created a 2x2 matrix. On the horizontal axis is agency, and on the vertical axis is talent.

Cogs In The Wheel - (Low Agency / Low Talent)

• They do undifferentiated but often necessary work.

• Won’t improve outcomes

Frustrated Geniuses - (Low Agency / High Talent)

• Highly competent with tremendous potential

• Lack of creative execution to get it done

• Strong ability to point to what is wrong but wait for things to be perfect.

Game Changers - (High Agency / High Talent)

• Rare - change the game for the company

• If you find them, do whatever you can to hire and retain

Go Getters - (High Agency / Low Talent)

• Usually early in their career

• Ambitious and optimistic - they roll with ambiguity

• Can move to Game Changer with enough time and experience

This is an interesting framework to use for hiring, promoting, and retention. Where does someone fall on this matrix? Where do you fall?

The Go-Getter is the one that stands out for me. The Go Getter can decide to be optimistic, roll with ambiguity, and be ambitious enough to work their craft until they have skills and agency to be a game changer. With enough time and practice they can become Game Changers.

Key Takeaways:

• Agency as a skill is underrated and can be improved.

• Conditions are rarely perfect, and waiting for them will mean nothing gets done

• Excuses are easier than execution

• Cultivate your comfort with looking foolish (experiment, ask questions)- that’s how you learn and improve your craft.

• The characteristics of a game changer (ownership, curiosity, and comfort with imperfection) are also essential to leadership.

There are lots of reasons why things don’t get done. Make sure you’re not one of them.

Be good.

Kelly

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Insights

No. 1

“There’s a lot of alpha in being willing to do “menial” work (take notes, send out agendas, order pizza, manually inspect raw data, whatever). Beware of over-delegation and being too far from the details." - Nabeel S. Qureshi

Most people want big things but aren’t willing to do the small things, and “menial” work adds up.

No. 2

“The weakest living creature, by concentrating his powers on a single object, can accomplish something. The strongest, by dispensing his (powers) over many, may fail to accomplish anything. The drop, by continually falling, bores its passage through the hardest rock. The hasty torrent rushes over it with hideous uproar, and leaves no trace behind.”— Thomas Carlyle

This idea of the slow drip is vivid for me—drip, drip, drip. The stone wears away. Do something long enough and with enough consistency, and you’ll beat the flash flood - every time.

No. 3

“We are trying to prove ourselves wrong as quickly as possible, because only in that way we can find progress." -Richard Feynman

It’s hard to prove yourself wrong when you’re focused on proving yourself. Stay focused on finding the correct answer, not your answer.

A Thought

or three, actually.

Wisdom is worth revisiting.

We often look for new things, but revisiting something is often more valuable. Here are two ideas from Jeff Bezos that I'm revisiting.

High-performing organizations (and people) need mechanisms to support truth-telling.

At our core, we're wired for survival, not truth-telling.

This becomes especially apparent when speaking truth might mean challenging those with power over us. Bezos says, "10,000 years ago, you were in a small village. If you go along to get along, you can survive. If you're the village truth-teller, you might get clubbed to death at midnight. Any high-performing organization needs a culture and mechanisms to support truth-telling."

Our evolutionary programming hasn't caught up with what is required for excellence in organizations and ourselves. The smaller the ego, the more truth. The more truth, the better the performance.

Invention requires wandering and comfort with uncertainty.

Innovation rarely follows a straight path. It demands wandering, exploration, and comfort with the unknown.

This hits incredibly close to home when I think about young people today. Too often, they find themselves on rigid career or life paths, believing there's no room to meander, no space to tinker, no permission to fail, no freedom to invent themselves. This rigid thinking is dangerous, leading us down paths of unoriginality, missed opportunities, and, ultimately, mediocrity.

Takeaways:

• We must build better mechanisms for truth-telling, both with ourselves and others.

• Tinker. We need to make room for tinkering.

Progress demands both—the courage to speak the truth and wander.

Be good.

Kelly

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BTTY Bites

No. 1—“Perhaps it’s impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be.” - Enders Game

No. 2—“If we look outside of ourselves for relief from our own predicament, we are sure to come up short." - Mark Epstein

No. 3—Don’t ask for feedback. That gets you a critic. Ask for advice. That will get you an accomplice.

A Thought

When I was in college, I bought my first computer. It was a Gateway and came in that iconic dairy cow-colored box. Back then, and this was 25 years ago, you went to the store, and they helped you configure your computer. You picked the hard drive size, memory, and graphics card. They always asked you, “What will you be using this for?”

They ask this question because they want to help you make sure the inside of the computer, the stuff most of the world never sees, has the right components to run programs to produce the work the world does see. You select things like memory (RAM), CPU, hard drive capacity, and graphics card. All of these work together with programs and the computer’s operating system (OS) to create outputs.

The OS manages how the computer’s hardware and software work together, coordinating resources like memory, processing power, and storage. It handles everything from basic tasks like showing things on your screen to making sure different programs can run without interfering with each other. These capabilities determine the computer’s capacity - what it can do, how fast it can do it, and how much it can handle at once. Sometimes, it reaches its operating capacity.

You’ve experienced a computer at its capacity. The most memorable occasions are when an icon starts spinning, and you suddenly realize you haven’t hit save in a couple of hours - then the program suddenly closes. System crash. So sorry.

Just like a computer’s physical and psychological capabilities constrain our capacity, if we don’t pay attention, we will start spinning and ultimately crash.

System Crash

Five years ago, my system crashed. Like a computer running too many programs with insufficient RAM, I was struggling with work, mood, and relationships. That’s when I started thinking about my operating system and how it either improved or degraded my capacity to perform. Something had to change.

Personal Operating System

Our personal OS should help us manage energy, prioritize tasks, manage resources and resource drains, force quit stuck programs (internal narratives), and prevent overload. Importantly, a good OS working with the right internal components can help you operate at your innate peak capacity - or, said differently - your potential.

It’s likely your personal OS runs in the background with little attention. Over years or decades, you have established routines—the sum of your habits. Roll over in the morning and check your phone—habit. Kiss your partner good night every night—habit. Everything you do is either improving or degrading your capacity. When the demands exceed capacity, the system crashes. This ranges from simple burnout to more serious consequences.

The Inside-Out Rule

The inside-out rule states that external impact cannot sustainably exceed internal capacity.

If your internal capacity is 7, your external impact cannot sustainably exceed 7. We can have sprints of 8 or 9, but we can’t stay there. The system will crash. If you want your external impact to be a 9 over a long period, you must improve your internal capacity to a 9. One way to do this is by improving your personal operating system.

Ultimately, this comes down to inside work vs outside work. It’s easy to focus on the outside work because that is what the rest of the world sees, what’s easy to measure, and where we get external validation. It comes with the temptation to push our outside work harder for more results. The secret is that the inside work often needs attention to unlock what you can do on the outside. The challenge is it’s a solo journey that happens over decades.

My Personal Operating System

Here’s my operating system—I’m not trying to prescribe anything here; I’m just sharing what I’ve learned works for me. I’m doing this primarily because I’ve been giving it lots of thought lately. It feels like it needs some changes, but here it is anyway.

System Foundation

• Sleep—I need 7-8 hours, or I’m toast. I can 4-6 hours, but not for long stretches. When I start getting impatient and reactionary, and stress becomes less manageable, I need more sleep.

• Relationships—It took me way too many years to really understand how important this is. When I’m connected with my people, it helps me work through anything that comes our way. This applies at work, too. Having teammates at work who I genuinely enjoy being around and connected to improves everything.

System Stability

• Morning Routine (The Boot-Up)—I need quiet time in the morning. I try not to jump into problems for the first few hours. This routine is everything to me, so I head to bed early, even if I miss out on some night plans. If you want the best of me during the day, I need this time to boot up right.

• Solitude—I’m an introvert, and once 6:30-7 AM hits, it’s people time all day. I try to find little pockets of quiet time throughout the day, week, and year to renew. Unlike what popular books say, you’ll catch me eating alone.

Energy

• Sweat - Long runs outside do it for me. No matter what else happened that day, at least I did that. I love the sore feeling from weights, too. Recently, I worked out with a good buddy, and that’s a great hack.

• Consuming Well - I love french fries, but my mitochondria get sad when I eat poorly. A good workout lets me enjoy the occasional cheat day guilt-free. Also, hydration and what I eat matter for my focus. Alcohol kills my sleep, so I save wine for special nights with Princess Buttercup (almost exclusively). Plus, I killed most social media - no social apps on my phone is a game-changer. People can text me links if they want to share stuff.

• Making Things—Creating something new makes me feel like I’ve done something. It’s hard to explain, but it gives me energy.

• Nature - Getting outside matters to me. Winter was tough until I decided to embrace it - now I’ll bundle up and sit out there even when it’s 12 degrees. Please give me a patch of grass to lie on during a spring day with some sunshine. Perfect.

System Enhancements

• Collecting Aha’s—Whether reading or hearing someone’s story, learning helps me get better - ideally, find more truth.

• Reflection—I try to “defrag my hard drive” by thinking about what’s happened, what’s happening, and what should happen next. Journaling almost daily helps, as does therapy. It’s all about finding truth, but reflection without action is just wasted wisdom.

Again, I’m not being prescriptive or trying to show you what I do (and sometimes don’t do). I don’t have any answers for you, but I have years of thinking about this proactively and refining mine. We are all different, and our OSs should reflect that. Sometimes, my OS runs smoothly, and sometimes, it crashes. But at least now I know where to look when things start spinning. I’ve been doing some system monitoring to determine what parts of my OS need upgrading. What’s your OS doing for you?

If you want to explore this, take an hour away from the inputs—just you and your thoughts and maybe some scratch paper. Not to journal, meditate, or any other prescribed solution, but to honestly examine which parts of your personal OS are due for an upgrade or some new code.

Be good.

Kelly

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BTTY Bites

No. 1—“In a fear-based, failure-averse culture, people will consciously or unconsciously avoid risk. They will seek to repeat something safe that has been good enough in the past. Their work will be derivative, not innovative. But if you can force a positive understanding of failure, the opposite will happen.” -Ed Catmull

This is the best description of why fear as a tactic is unsustainable. It might work, but not forever.

No. 2—“If you wish to make progress, you must be content in external matters to seem a fool and a simpleton.” -Epictetus

You have over almost everyone if you are willing to look foolish.

No. 3—Mastery requires the patience and humility to practice and learn, along with the discipline to do that for a very long time, regardless of what the world thinks. Life is really one long apprenticeship.

A Thought

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BTTY Bites

No.1 - “It’s the commotion the mind makes about life that really causes problems.” - Michael Singer

No. 2 - “If you can’t decide, the answer is no.” - Naval Ravikant

No. 3 - “Process saves us from the poverty of our intentions.” - Elizabeth King

Maybe process saves us from the poverty of our actions?

A Thought

What Do You Call the Space Between Raindrops?

A book I was reading the other day asked that question. Let's come back to that.

I love rain. Well, that's not the truth. Sometimes I don’t love it. But I do love it under a covered porch with a cup of coffee and a good friend as we sit quietly and enjoy. Or during an afternoon nap or when it falls on old brown, crunchy leaves. I love it in the distance - a squall heading our way or some other way.

I love it because it turns things green, gives the city a bath, and makes those mud puddles I used to play in as a kid. I even loved warm rain on patrol when everything gets quiet.

And that post-rain smell. That's special. It turns out we have a name for that.

Petrichor (PE-tri-kor) is that distinctive earthy smell. It's a relatively new term coined by two Australian researchers. It combines the words "petra" (stone) and "ichor" (the fluid that was supposed to flow in the veins of the Greek gods).

Rhinos and Other Rh Words

Another word I like is rhinoceros. I like the animal more than the word but mostly because I struggle to spell it. Rhinos are big, tough, and nimble (they can run up to 35 MPH). Southern white rhinos are social and form "crashes." How perfect is that? It's a group of 4-5 females and their calves. The calves play and "crash," which helps develop social skills and strength. The females back each other up against aggressive males. They will show genuine distress when a crash member is injured or ill and stand guard until they recover. It's thought that the crash is one of the reasons that the southern white rhino has been able to make a comeback. It's basically like having a handful of tank-sized bodyguard friends.

Rhyme is another word I struggle to spell. Rhythm, no vowel. Wild. I guess the Y counts—Rhubarb, oh rhubarb. Gramma used to have a rhubarb bush. We'd break off a piece and take it inside, and she would slide a small dish with white sugar across her plastic tablecloth. I'd spend the next 15 minutes crunching and puckering away. My mouth waters just thinking about that.

Rhetoric has a negative connotation in modern language. Maybe it shouldn't. It's a solid word. Rhombus - You probably remember what this is. I didn't. It's a special shape where all four sides are equal in length, opposite angles are equal, opposite sides are parallel, and diagonals bisect each other at right angles. Think playing card diamond. A square is a special rhombus.

Why all the Rh words?

No reason. I like Rhinos and realized there might not be many other Rh words. So I wrote this for myself. Because usually, when I write here, I hedge. I think about who will read it, what they might think, and what that will all mean. A part of that is my ego. How will this impact what they think of me?

I like collecting ahas. They give me energy. Those lessons, I think, give me a better view of the world—maybe a little more truth or reality. I believe that if we learn something, we should share it. I try translating an 'aha' I've had into something you find helpful. Teaching it also helps us understand it more deeply.

Also, the process is energizing. There is something finished at the end—I did something. It's like going for a run. It doesn't matter what happens that day—you did that run.

The energy also comes from knowing that while most people don't say anything, I know something resonates occasionally. I'll get a message or a text from someone I didn't know was here, and they ask a question, say thank you, or sometimes say something much deeper. Something I said mattered to them at the right time. Those keep me writing publicly.

Finally, and this is a new understanding thanks to Princess Buttercup, maybe my kids will read some of this one day and find it helpful.

Dancing Between Raindrops

For a long time, Princess Buttercup and I have urged the kids to be rhinos—dancing rhinos. A big, nimble dinosaur-looking “joy mud” splattered thing standing on tip-toes in a pink tutu dancing between raindrops. When things get hard, sometimes you have to dance between the raindrops. Find your crash and dance. We always feel better after dancing (another PB lesson).

I'm going to work to write more authentically in the future. I know I won’t always, but I’ll try. It might mean that some of you don't stay, think less of me, or some other BS story I'm telling myself. That's okay. I'll be over here in my pink tutu and, with my crash, working on what we work on.

Be good.

Kelly

PS - did you know rhinos have three toes on each foot? Fascinating.

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BTTY Bites

No.1 - “A common cause of time wasters is largely under the executive's control and can be eliminated by him. That is the time of others he himself wastes.” - Peter Drucker

No. 2 - “People are motivated by one of two things: Either avoiding loss or acquiring potential gain.” - Phil Jones

No. 3 - Did you know that woodpeckers have tongues? I mean really long tonguges. I took about 1,600 photos of this woodpecker the other day and this shot of his tongue (it is male) made me do some research. It’s so long it wraps around the back of his head. He kept at this tree until he broke it in half. Just wild.

A Thought

Tomatoes.

I think about tomatoes. A lot.

Yes, they are technically fruits, but did you know that an 1893 Supreme Court case ruled that tomatoes should be taxed as vegetables? Also, tomatoes were first domesticated by the Aztecs, who called them by a name that meant “plump thing with a navel.” I love that. I also love eating tomatoes, growing tomatoes, and sharing tomatoes. I have Grandad to thank for that.

He had a bit of a garden patch - probably a couple of acres of garden, actually. Well plowed and lined with all the vegetables. It was the tomatoes I liked best. We would pick a handful, put them in his old beat-up thick plastic bucket with a rope handle, and drive back to his garage on his small tractor-mower. Sometimes, you’d find me on his lap, trying to drive. Other times, I’d be tucked into the corner of the plywood trailer he towed.

Up over a hill, along the fence line, and then down to the garage. He built that garage himself. There was a penny he tucked behind a translucent rock that glimmered when the sun was just right. We’d park next to his big tractor and take in the combined smell of gasoline and cut crass. He’d get me over to his workbench and lift me up. It was always a bit of a mess, strewn with the detritus of actual work. He’d reach for the salt, slice into the unwashed tomato, sprinkle a little salt, and pop it in his mouth - I can still see the edge of his mouth as he grinned. I now imagine he was smiling at something more than the tomato. Then a slice for me. We’d both start nodding. Behind us, through the unfinished 2x4 window frame, his two steers wandered in the ‘north forty.’

Success?

My grandfather was, at least from what I saw, a great man. He retired as a Colonel from the US Army, was married for 65 years, went to war three times, and retired to a small community in the mountains, where he spent 30 years donating his time to improving that community. That’s not what made him great to me. It added to the mystique, but not what I think about today. He makes me think about success.

I’m not quite sure what success is, but when people ask me what it means to me, I talk about a little green hill with little people running around. My fondest memories were on that hill we drove over in his little blue tractor. Up until December of 2007, there were two doting grandparents. The kind that eat unwashed tomatoes, play frisbee, and teach you how to make jello. Or the ones that take you to pick fresh blackberries on the fence line and make blackberry jam together - all while she implored me not to get blackberry on my new shirt.

One year, Gramma sat me next to the window overlooking the garage to tell me a \ story. It was close to Halloween, and it was a ghost story. Then, in the distance, a ghost darted over the crest of that little hill. That was Grandad with a sheet over his head. Amazing. At least it was amazing to that six-year-old.

Discipline?

So success to me is being that for someone. Maybe it’s grandkids if we are lucky, maybe not. A little green hill with Princess Buttercup, a community, a small patch to tend, and humans to love. There is a path that I need to take to get there and it has me thinking about discipline. A lot. So, I asked myself: What does discipline really mean? Here’s what I came up with.

Controlling your desire for something now for something you desire more, later.

Whether your success is a green hill, another zero in your bank account, or something else, it will take discipline. If I want to run with that sheet over my head down our hill one day, I have to be here still and be able to move as nimbly as the Colonel could at 70. When my alarm goes off, I want to stay in bed, but I go for a run. That’s discipline. Or willpower. Or whatever. I don’t always win that battle, but I try to remember what’s important. It’s a green hill. It’s tomatoes. It’s raising baby chicks. It’s being there for their wedding, being there for their losses, and trading something I desire now for something I want more later.

Desire is a strong word, and I’m using it intentionally. Some desires are clear, like fresh tomatoes in summer. Others grow quietly and hidden, like weeds. Discipline is not just about control—it’s about paying attention to what is pulling you. If we don’t watch what’s growing in our garden, we won’t know what to weed and what to water.

That’s what I’m thinking about this week. I hope you’re good. Be good. And let’s find that hill.

Kelly

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//TRANSCRIPT//

I want to let you in on a little secret about me.

Now everybody knows this. I'll tell you in a minute, but first, a story.

I signed up to go in the army to become a Green Beret. That in itself was, as you can imagine, a bit of an anxious time, difficult time, right? You have this dream, you want to do this thing. And this is a giant bureaucracy. Just because you want it doesn't mean you can have it.

Part of the process is checking if the job is available and if you're smart enough. You take an aptitude test, and then you sign a contract and go in. Part of that process is getting a physical, though. You have to be physically fit. They obviously want to make sure that anybody who the government's going to spend a ton of money on to go into the military can do it.

What I Didn’t Know

I took a physical, and I failed that physical to become an SF guy to go into this program. They said no. Why'd they say no? Well, turns out there is a vision test that you take. You've probably taken this. It was created by Dr. Ishihara, a Japanese guy back in the early 1900s. It's that color test, the one with the circle where you look at it and they tell you to tell you what number it is. There's a bunch of dots inside of it.

I can't do that one. Just can't do it. Period. Full stop. And I failed it. They said, "Sorry, can't do it. Colorblind. Can't be an SF guy."

Where There Is A Will, There Is A Waiver

The good news is there's another motto in the military, which is "where there's a will, there's a waiver." And there is another option here. They really only care about colors that matter in combat, and those are red and green. So another guy, an American guy this time, Dr. Farnsworth, created a separate test. This test tests your ability to see red and green. Red and green is what matters in combat - I think it's because of looking at stuff under red lens and maps and stuff like that. But anyways, I passed that and the rest is history, I'm in.

Up until that moment, I didn't know that I was colorblind. Well, slight color deficiency. I have a difficult time telling blue from black, dark purple from blue, those kind of things. I have to ask friends to tell me, "Is this black? Is this blue? Do these pants match?" I've even worn the wrong pair of shoes to a medium before - one black, one brown. Kind of embarrassing, but I'm too old to be embarrassed at this point.

My Blindspots

I tell you this story because up until that moment, I had a pretty big blind spot as it relates to color. And it often takes some kind of outside intervention to help you see where you don't see correctly. The older I get, the more I like these. They're absolutely painful when you find them.

But the reason we want to find our blind spots is because our blind spots keep us from seeing reality, from seeing the truth, from operating in what is the real world, not our version of it. And those blind spots come in many forms. In my case, in this situation, slight color deficiency, but they come in the form of biases, stories, stereotypes, pick a thing.

We should be looking for our blind spots. And when friends try to bring them to us and tell us about it, we should be thankful, we should be grateful. Not all feedback is true or helpful, but sometimes it is. You should be on a quest to find your blind spots because as we remove them, it enables us to operate in reality.

Anyways, that's my story. Slight color deficiency. Thank you, Dr. Farnsworth. We appreciate that test. And that's it.

Have a good day. Be good.

Kelly

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When I was nine, I was sure I’d be homeless.

There were reasons for this fear, some real and some imagined. As you can imagine, this colored my thoughts about money, work, and many other priorities. Eventually, it became a mindset for me. Your mindset significantly influences how you view your abilities, make decisions, set priorities, and handle challenges.

These deeply held beliefs are difficult to change. It’s important to be aware of our mindsets and, when necessary, take action to change them. I want to talk about one mindset that I’ve adopted that has been helpful - The Ownership Mindset.

Ownership Mindset

The ownership mindset means taking full responsibility for outcomes and actively driving value creation and growth, regardless of formal role or title.

It begins with conviction - a deep-seated belief in something and the courage to risk status and resources in pursuing that belief. This transcends traditional employment relationships - it's the difference between having a job and taking ownership of the enterprise's success. Owners know that not everything wrong is their fault, but everything is their responsibility.

Critically, owners are rewarded for creating value, not for simply being present. Traditional job descriptions or role boundaries don't confine owners. Their single focus is the organization's success. Owners invest tremendous amounts of discretionary effort, make decisions based on organizational needs rather than personal preferences, and carefully allocate resources.

Owners are perpetual advocates for evolution and growth. They know that if an organization doesn’t evolve, they risk irrelevance and even death. Their commitment to driving change leaves no time for complaints about change - they're too busy making it happen.

If you work inside an organization, you don’t have to wait for someone to make you an owner. If you want owner-level rewards, you must act like an owner.

The ownership mindset also applies to how we approach our lives.

Ownership Mindset in Life

Invest in Yourself Deliberately. Just like businesses need capital, you must put your time, energy, and focus into the business of you. That means proactively developing new skills, building relationships, and caring for your health. You must evolve.

Face Uncertainty. When you're uncomfortable, that's where growth happens. Failure will happen in pursuit of growth, but consider that tuition paid for valuable lessons, not something to avoid.

Be a Creator, Not Just a Consumer. Most of the world consumes what others build. Your lasting impact comes from creating value for others. That value can come from your relationships, your work, or what you give to your community. Rewards follow value creation.

Choose People Carefully. The people you spend time with shape you. Just like you wouldn't keep someone on your team who threatens performance, don't keep people around you who threaten your performance. Build your inner circle carefully.

Guard Your Resources. You aren't careless about your cash - don't be careless about your time or energy. Be intentional about where you spend both—remember: Poor resource allocation leads to poor outcomes. Our choices - good and bad - compound over our lives.

I still have remnants of that nine-year-old mindset around money and resources. Over the last four decades, it’s taken a lot of work to put those fears to rest and not let them drive my decisions but rather inspire my priorities. Like everyone, I’m a work in progress, and I hope you found this helpful.

I hope you’re good. Be good.

Kelly

What to keep going? This is relevant to mindset shifts.

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Work that helps you follow through on promises to customers creates value — everything else wastes resources.

As organizations become bigger, their gravity gets stronger. Their size, bureaucracy, and politics distract you from the work that matters. Spend too much time in this gravity vortex, and one day, you'll find yourself irrelevant. Ben Horowitz said,

"Somewhere there is a guy in a garage who is gunning for your business. He knows your weak spots and he is making plans for your destruction."

Let's think about your team or organization as a river. It's a big, wonderful river with clear, cool water. The water flows steadily, not out of control, but with strong inertia in the right direction. Then things get added to the river. At first, a few pebbles don't seem like a big deal, but these minor annoyances require that the water move around them. The inertia slows but keeps going, so you don't pay attention. Then, a handful of sticks meet up at a bend, creating a significant obstacle for the river. Eventually, banks of sediment build up, requiring us to spend energy and resources navigating the river.

What was once clear water is now muddy. We can't see the obstacles in the muddy water, and the river starts to fracture. The big clear river running smoothly in the direction of our vision is now going in different, smaller directions. Some of those directions might be good, and some end in a stagnant pool of wasted resources.

The pebbles are small annoyances, the sticks are process hurdles or egos, the mud is unclear communication, and the rocks are policy barriers enacted to compensate for a lack of judgment (and often, talent). Now your mission is fractured into a tangled mess of creeks and swamps meandering through the reeds. We don't have flow; instead, we have friction. Here are a few ways to think about your flow.

Questions for Organizational Flow:

• Direction: Are you flowing toward your true north, or has gravity pulled you off course? Like a river gradually meandering away from its intended path, teams can drift from their mission through small, seemingly reasonable decisions.

• Clarity: Is your water clear enough to see the bottom? Murky communication, a lack of truth, and confused beliefs don't just slow progress — they make it impossible to spot and navigate the obstacles ahead. You might be headed for rapids no one will survive.

• Friction: What debris has accumulated? Every organization builds up resistance over time. Some obstacles are obvious — rigid policies to prevent past mistakes or approval steps that grew like barnacles. Others lurk beneath the surface — pet projects no one questions, processes justified by tradition rather than value, and unspoken rules that no one understands or dares to change.

• Quicksand Banks: Where are your resources being silently swallowed? These are the most dangerous zones — branches of your organization or initiatives that seem valid on the surface but actually consume endless resources with no real return. Like quicksand, they can appear solid until you're already stuck, constantly pulling in more resources in failed attempts to make them viable.

Nature has ways of clearing obstacles. Whether through storms or floods, catalysts come along to restore flow. Here are some ways you can restore your own flow.

Internal Flow Restorers — Things You Can Control

Clarity

Clarity of vision provides a lens to make decisions. With this clarity, the team can remove obstacles, close off unproductive branches, or avoid quicksand banks. Without clarity, everyone wanders off trying to find the way.

Culture

Culture creates a "riverbed" that guides movement. Culture is the sum of our individual actions each day. Each time you add or remove someone from the team, you change the culture. What behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable? Like vision, you must be clear on your riverbed.

Truth

Truth acts like clear water, revealing both opportunities and dangers beneath the surface. When truth flows freely, everyone can see where they're going and what stands in their way. But the water turns muddy when a culture discourages truth-telling — whether through fear, politics, or simple neglect. In murky waters, teams stumble over hidden obstacles and miss valuable opportunities. And often, it's what you can't see that ultimately sinks you.

External Flow Restorers — Things That Force Change

Crisis & Competitive Threats

These act like flash floods. They can clear debris but can be destructive. What makes them so valuable is they force rapid reassessment of what's truly important. They also break the internal echo chamber by showing the real-world consequences of your situation.

Catalyst Hires

These new team members join with fresh eyes and can see the accumulated debris that the internal team has learned to navigate. They bring experience from other "rivers" and know what "good flow" looks like. When they combine the best of their old rivers with your river, together you can create something special. They also bring no emotional attachment to current obstacles and old decisions.

Environmental Changes

Rivers must adapt to the landscape just as you must adjust to the changing environment. Markets evolve, customers' needs change, and new paths emerge. If you’re too focused on navigating your internal obstacles, you might miss these changes and find yourself in a dry riverbed.

Your Role in the Flow

We each have a responsibility to ensure the river is flowing in the right direction, the water is clear, and we remove obstacles. Just like each pebble changes the course of the river, each person does too. You are either impeding or enhancing flow.

Think about your behavior, the emails you send, the work you ask for, and the things you say. All of these end up in the river. You must fight for a river that is clear and headed in the right direction. It will go off course; do your part to get it back on track. But if you find yourself constantly fighting everyone else, maybe you are in the wrong river.

It's easy to say that it's "above my pay grade" or "it's hopeless." When you start saying that, you should leave. If you stay, focus on what you can control.

Consider your impact:

• Are you a rock that others must navigate around?

• Is your way of behaving stopping the truth from flowing?

• Are you adding sediment that muddies the water?

• Are you doing work that really matters or are you pulled by gravity?

• Are you creating obstacles, clearing them, or just complaining?

• Are you so focused on your small stream that you forgot the river is the main thing?

• Are you so caught up in gravity and echo chambers that you don't see the threats drying up your riverbed?

Flow is a leadership responsibility — and we are all leaders. Whether you are leading a team of 1,000 or just yourself, you have a responsibility to lead and fight for flow. Leadership isn't about position or title — it's about contribution to flow. You are either helping flow or you are debris that is getting in the way of the mission.

Your River

This doesn't just apply to organizations — it applies to life too. How's your river? Has gravity pulled you away from what really matters? What obstacles are in your way? Are they real? What is the truth?

Our thoughts can create obstacles—mental dams that stop our flow. The pebbles we drop in our river don't just affect us. They impact our friends, families, colleagues, and communities. Like water, we naturally follow the path of least resistance unless we consciously choose otherwise. Every choice, every action, and every word we put into our "river" has consequences.

If you are like me, your river needs attention. Don't be overwhelmed. Just work to make it better each day than the last.

Be good and take care, Kelly

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In my recent emails and messages, I noticed myself starting sentences with

'I know that...'

I went back and changed these to

'I believe that...'

What I call knowledge is often my perspective based on today's information, my biases, and my blind spots. The older I get, the more I realize how little I know.

This week, watch your writing and speaking. Notice when you express absolute certainty. It's okay to have strong beliefs but hold them lightly.

Be good and take care, Kelly

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Title-seeking is dangerous.

Work titles began as a way to clarify responsibility. They evolved into frameworks for compensation. Now, in the age of social media, they've increasingly become status symbols.

We aren't titles. We play roles.

In my last company, we took titles off email signatures. Instead, we put functional responsibility. If I were to take it a step further, I would have had people write a very short sentence of what they actually did - their responsibility. Here are some examples:

• Head of HR - Enable the building of great teams

• Head of Marketing - Drive growth through understanding

• Engineer - Build solutions to solve problems

When you seek a title, ask yourself, why? You don't have to talk to anyone else about it, but make sure you are honest with yourself. The worst reason is status. If you are trying to show the world or your parents your worth or importance through a title, that's your ego. The best way to show your value is to do the work your role requires to make an impact. If you do that, you won't have to ask for a title. People will be chasing you to give you one and reward you financially.

With my title at work, telling people that titles don't matter would be inappropriate, but I want to urge you to be cautious about title-seeking and instead look to play the role the team needs.

Try this: What's your role in five words or less? Ask your teammates if they see it the same way. Finally, ask them to rate you from 1 to 10 on how well you play that role.

I've also been thinking about my role as a father. How would I describe it in a few words? I came up with this.

Enable Potential

That’s what leaders do. Enable potential. And we are all leaders.

I hope you’re good.

Take care, Kelly

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There are two voices in my head fighting for control.

The two voices are my lower self and my upper self. The lower version of me is a critical companion as it is responsible for keeping me alive. Its singular focus is my survival. I call this me the “Lone Survivor.” It doesn’t care about anyone else, just me.

Lone Survivor

This version of me is usually the first to speak up and can be the loudest. It’s emotional, often irrational, and struggles to parse fact from fiction. When threats appear, real or perceived, it reacts aggressively to “defend” me. It cares about anything that might threaten my survival. From “Is there enough oxygen?” to “Am I fat?” to “What did my boss mean in that email?” The lone survivor is eager to blame others, play the victim, make excuses, and get defensive. But it gets worse.

The lone survivor whispers and sometimes shouts things that ignore my happiness, joy, and potential. Things like:

• “Don’t worry, your son will understand you have to work late and will miss his game - even though it’s his last one ever,” or

• “Take that job. It pays more. It doesn’t matter if you’re happy. People, parents, and society will admire you.” or

• “You need a better title. What will you tell that frustratingly successful cousin over mashed potatoes next week?”

The lone survivor prioritizes personal survival and immediate gratification and operates with a scarcity mindset—there is not enough, so I need some of yours. When facing threats or stress, the lone survivor reacts aggressively with emotion and instinct.

• Mantra: I must survive

• Time frame: Now - immediate gratification

• View of Resources: Scarce - there is not enough

• Circle of Concern: Me

• Perspective: I see it from my point of view, and I’m right

The Potential Seeker

Conversely, there is the Upper Self, the potential seeker.

This version of us doesn’t have its head in the sand; it sees threats, too. The difference is that it can plan, dream, create, and delay gratification. It doesn’t see others as threats but as “potential allies” in the effort to survive and win. It attempts to understand reality, control emotions, and respond thoughtfully and rationally with a focus on the “we, not me.”

• Mantra: We must thrive

• Timeframe: Long term - delay gratification

• View of Resources: There’s enough if we work together

• Circle of Concern: We, not just me

• Perspective: Seeks different views to learn and find the truth

Two Important Tools

The potential seeker uses two essential tools - time and perspective. With time, you can shift between short-term and long-term views. Potential seekers can delay gratification and work in timelines that are years or decades. This view of time helps you consider the second or third-order effects of actions, think beyond immediate rewards, and invest in genuine relationships - not transactional ones.

The second is perspective shifting. In a meeting, the lone survivor sees things from their seat and is eager to share their viewpoint. While they’re doing that, they aren’t learning. The potential seeker gets up, goes to the other side of the table, and sits in someone else’s seat. They genuinely want to see things from their perspective. By changing seats, they can now see what was behind where they were sitting before. This might include their knowledge gaps, assumptions, biases, and blind spots.

Getting out of your seat takes action, walking to the other side of the table takes effort, and sitting in someone else’s seat requires commitment. The lone survivor stays seated, talks more, learns less, and cares about themselves. It’s not malicious; it’s survival. That’s fight-or-flight in action. Here are some other ways you might come across it.

In product development, the lone survivor builds what they think customers need. The potential seeker works to understand the customer’s pain and solve those problems. The lone survivor teacher lectures from the front but doesn’t move in and connect or remember what it’s like to be a novice.

The most dangerous part of being a lone survivor is that it can masquerade as a potential seeker. You think you are being rational, unemotional, and doing things “as they should,” “the right way,” or “in the best interest of some constituency,” but really, you are just trying to survive. We are “maintaining standards,” “following best practices,” “protecting stakeholder interest,” or some other rationalization we use at the expense of evolution. We see this in teams, culture, and leadership.

Leadership

Lone Survivor In Leadership

The lone survivor leader stays in their office, expects information to come to them, assumes they know best, and tries to control from afar. They protect status and resources, seek validation, and make decisions for self-preservation over mission—often subconsciously. Usually, these aren’t bad people. They are just trying to navigate politics, have lousy role models, or are desperately afraid of losing something.

Potential Seeker In Leadership

We are all leaders—just at different scales. Potential seekers face a paradox: they want to help the larger group, but moving from lone survivor to potential seeker requires prioritizing self.

I learned this the hard way. As we scaled our organization, the intensity was crushing. Demands from investors, teams, and customers kept me awake at night. I prioritized inbox, tasks, and work at the expense of relationships, sleep, and health. The lone survivor was driving.

I wasn't showing up for Princess Buttercup and my not-so-little barrel-chested freedom fighters. At work, I was firefighting with little patience. I looked like a zombie—minimal sleep, no exercise, and taking time to recharge. Once, I even told senior leaders I needed words of affirmation— it was lousy leadership.

Keeping the lone survivor at bay starts with self-care. That looks different for each of us. For me, it means 8 hours of sleep, quality time with my people, real exercise (not just checking the box), and solitude. I had to "Normalize No" at home and work to show up well for everyone.

When the potential seeker is driving, you are not defending your position, corner office, or stock options. Instead, you make decisions that make you and the team better. Here are a few practices to consider:

• Prioritize Self-Care—Do the work to put the potential seeker in the driver's seat. Start with sleep.

• Speaking is teaching, listening is learning. Know which mode serves the moment.

• Time and perspective shifting—View situations from other seats and timeframes. Warning: Short-term decisions usually mean less pain, and admitting you’re wrong hurts. The lone survivor always minimizes pain.

• Seek the truth—about yourself, the work, and how things actually are. Go where the work is happening.

• Stop Trying to Prove Yourself—You usually don’t have enough information, experience, or context to be the omnipotent answer giver. That’s why you have a team.

The Impact on Culture

Every culture has elements of both lone survivor and potential seeker. Here are some behaviors that you might notice so that you can work to shift the culture.

In the lone survivor Culture:

• Blames others

• Thinks short-term for self-preservation

• Makes fear-based, risk-averse decisions

• Builds silos and barriers

• Hoards information and resources

• Hides mistakes and bad news

• Controls and directs

• Postures for power

• Resists change

• Operates with low trust, low truth

In the potential seeking culture:

• Shares resources and information freely

• Invests long-term in people and relationships

• Takes shared ownership of success

• Broadcasts mistakes to accelerate learning

• Takes calculated risks together

• Embraces evolution as survival

• Values good answers over looking good

• Prioritizes team and mission over self

• Operates with high trust, high truth

Culture is the sum of our daily interactions, and as such, it is everyone's responsibility. Lone survivors dodge this, saying, "I just work here" or "I'm just trying to survive." When you hear yourself say these things, it's time to leave.

Because of their power, leaders have an outsized impact on culture. Their behavior defines what's acceptable. Show up late repeatedly? You've declared, "Respect doesn't matter." Consistently prioritize the mission over yourself, and that becomes a cultural expectation for everyone.

A leader's most damaging act is making truth-telling unsafe. When leaders take disagreement as criticism and react aggressively, teams shift to survival mode—telling leaders what they want to hear, not the truth.

The Irony

Humans began as lone survivors or small bands, hunting and gathering scarce resources. We started thriving only when we stopped surviving alone and built communities. Together, we developed culture, advanced technology, and extended life itself.

That's the irony: Working together increases individual survival.

You Won’t Always Do Your Best

Maybe you are thinking about the work you will start today to take care of yourself so you can show up. Or you’re remembering the things you’ve done wrong, the relationships you’ve lost, the wrong paths you’ve taken, or the lone survivor leaders that frustrate you. I’d suggest you hold those thoughts lightly. Julia Baird said,

Grace is…forgiving the unforgivable, favoring the undeserving, loving the unlovable…it is the ability to see good in the other, to recognize humanity, to tolerate difference and to continually plough lives, conversations and public debates with a belief that people can change, and that what we fight for is joy and beauty, as well as equality.

Often, the people around you are “just trying to survive” - literally. Maybe they are on the verge of losing something or someone important. Or the business they’ve poured everything into for years is almost out of cash. Or they have been fighting a battle they’ve unselfishly not made your problem. Give them grace.

And give yourself grace—for what has happened and what will happen. You can’t afford excuses, but you should give yourself grace. We are all flawed humans with biases, blind spots, fears, and sometimes trauma.

While we don’t always do the best we can, we usually try. Sometimes, a little grace is all we need to get back on the path towards our potential.

I hope you’re good.

Take care, Kelly

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My middle one is coming home from school in a few weeks and we are going to go for a ruck. So, I’m thinking about rucksacks.

//Transcript//

Hey, I came across a quote this week, and I wanted to share it with you. Let me find it. Here it is.

“Because here's another sneaky little truth about life. You can't be an important and life-changing presence for some people without also being a joke and an embarrassment to others. You just can’t.”

That's from Mark Manson.

I was in the Army for a while and one of the skills that they taught me through an incredible amount of repetition is how to carry a rucksack. Sometimes an army issued rucksack, sometimes it wasn't, but what you do is you fill it up with the bullets, beams, band aids, whatever you need for the mission.

You cross load with the guys to your left and your right because you never know who's going to go down, get lost, get blown up, and you want to have everything that you need. And then you put it on and you start walking and you don't quit. And it's about the mission. Just keep going one foot in front of another.

And then one night I found myself on a hilltop. And our mission was to mark a drop zone. And it was a very small DZ right up there and it was surrounded by these thick woods. And these weren't just like, I'm going to move through the trees woods. These were just, you can't move through the trees and you got to break brush to get through lots of wait a minute, vine stopping you.

And in a bout of frustration, our medic just took his rucksack off and he started throwing it into the woods, breaking a path. Not good for noise discipline whatsoever, but it worked. And he just tossed it and tossed it and tossed it and eventually got out there and he could put up the marker we needed. The aircraft came in, dropped this load and we got what we needed and we moved on. Mission accomplished.

Today, I still like walking in the woods with a rucksack, a real one, but I also have a metaphorical one that I walk around with too. It's filled with my responsibilities, my hopes, my dreams, my stories, my insecurities.

And on my very best days, I can stop and cross load my rucksack with the people around me. I can ask for help to the people to my left and my right. And then on my very, very, very best days, I put the rucksack down on the side of the trail and I take out all the stuff that doesn't matter anymore. My insecurities, my fear, the opinions of others.

And what I'm realizing in life is that what's in your rucksack or not is what's going to help you break that path in life. So you have to be really thoughtful. What you keep and what you take out and what you're intentional about cultivating. And the other part is there's people around you to cross load.

There are people who will help you bear the weight of that rucksack. It's not all on you. So be really thoughtful what you put in there and then just walk forward. Don't quit. Don't give up because you're not alone. So what's in your rucksack matters. I hope you're good out there.

Take care,

👋 If this was helpful, please hit like and share it with someone who will find it helpful, too.

Keep Going:

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"What pulls the rope in most workplaces is the elevation and promotion of self (ego), not the elevation of others, purpose, heart, and mind (soul). It's no wonder that people feel so alone in most workplaces today. Interconnectedness gets lost when you have a team or company of people who are making decisions based on their ego's needs: What would be best for their own personal goals, not their co-workers' goals; what would be best for their personal image, not their team's."

- Mike Metcalf & Shaun Peet, “12 Second Culture”

“Three eggs, over medium, cooked in olive oil if you can, please.” That’s what I said an hour into a breakfast meeting last week. I read somewhere that more olive oil is good for my cholesterol. I’m not sure if that is true, but I like the taste, and it reminds me of Spain.

My breakfast was with someone special. The kind of person who has succeeded at the highest levels but still shows up fully present and humble. Maybe you’ve met the type.

They don’t take their eyes off you or look at their phone. They spend more time listening than talking. They radiate care and love. Somehow, you feel like you got better after spending time with them - absorbing some of them. Two hours later, that’s how I felt. One lesson from him stood out:

Live on the margins, be the 1%

First, we aren’t talking about 1% in the context of money. We’re talking about mastery of your craft and your humanity. As we move through life, we use our experience and mental models to decipher the world and make decisions. Essentially, we apply a lens to each situation, and those lenses help us determine what action we take. What my new friend taught me is what I’d describe as the 1% lens.

• In your mind, draw a large circle and write 80% in the middle of that circle with the word “most.”

• Draw another circle around that first circle. Write 15% somewhere with the word “some.”

• Then, draw another and write 4% and “very few.”

• Finally, draw a final circle around those three circles and write 1% with the words “almost no one.”

You should have something like an inverted archery target, with 80% being a large inner circle and 1% being the outermost circle.

These circles represent the types of choices we make in the effort to get better. Most people will choose comfort. Some will do a little more. Very few will choose pain or possible failure. And almost no one is willing to go all the way out to the margin.

Choices:

• Sleep in or workout

• Scroll social or read a book

• Roller bag or farmers carry a duffle bag

• Shuffle emails or block four hours for deep work

• Book another meeting or surprise your kid for an after-school ice cream date

• Do that thing that scares you but puts at risk your status and resources

What would the 1% do?

Like you, I want to find my potential—as a professional and a human. To do that, I need to keep moving out to the margins. I need to go from doing what most will do to doing what almost no one will do.

The farther we go from the crowd, the scary it gets - it’s lonely out there. Potentially, it means being “weird,” looking foolish, failing, and asking for help. You can stay in that center, that comfortable 80%, or move out to that 1%. That’s where better happens - on the margins.

Put on those 1% glasses. Live on the margins, friend. Don’t do it for “me” do it for “we.”

I hope you’re good.

Take care, Kelly

PS - If you like this, please share it with a friend or your team.

PPS - Grab Shaun Peet's book. A good human.

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No. 1

In the midst of chaos, your mind cannot be chaotic.

- General Jim Mattis, “Call Sign Chaos”

In chaos or crisis, emotion is unhelpful and clouds judgment. Think about a 911 operator answering a frantic call. The operator is ALWAYS cool and collected while the caller panics. The operator tries to understand the situation (facts) and deploy appropriate resources. Part of their job is to calm the caller down, and they do this by staying calm. This is central to understanding reality.

Leadership is the same. Because of their power, leaders have an outsized impact on the team's emotions. Be the 911 operator. Move with urgency but with calm professionalism designed to find the truth, make rational decisions, and deploy resources.

When you have enough clarity on what you ‘think’ needs to be done, move faster than anyone thinks possible. Speed is essential because it’s likely that your first decision is wrong—or, at least, less than ideal. Moving fast allows you to learn more facts, adjust your decision, and shift resources.

Remember: accomplishing the mission matters, not your ego or reputation. Humble leaders hold onto their ideas loosely. When the facts change, they change their minds.

No. 2

Speed kills, but slow is deadly.- General Jim Mattis,“Call Sign Chaos”

You can’t wait to have all the facts to decide, but you need clarity before you rush off mindlessly. Clarity includes answering questions like:

• What are we doing?

• Why are you doing it?

• What do we believe to be true?

• Did what we thought would happen, happen (thesis)?

Apply these questions as a filter to your actions. When the answers change, change your actions.

Go fast, but do it with clarity.

I hope you’re good.

Take care, Kelly

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No. 1

The will to victory may be demonstrated in places other than actual battle.

A Roman general was leading his legions toward the enemy in a swampy country. He knew that the next day’s battle would be fought on a certain plain because it was the only dry, flat place for miles. He pushed his army all night, marching them through a frightening and formidable swamp, so that they reached the battle site before the foe and could claim the high ground. In the aftermath of victory, the general called his troops together and asked them, “Brothers, when did we win the battle? ” One captain replied, “Sir, when the infantry attacked.” Another said, “Sir, we won when the cavalry broke through.” “No,” said the general. “We won the battle the night before—when our men marched through that swamp and took the high ground.”

The real battle happens before the opportunity or crisis—maybe years before. It’s fought in the quiet hours, when no one is watching, through reflection, training, practice, preparation, and self-confrontation. This puts you in a position to do what others can’t or won’t. Growth happens when you are vulnerable—out in the storm, trudging through the swamp, trying to reach higher ground.

No. 2

This is another key element of the Warrior Ethos: the willing and eager embracing of adversity.

In 1912, the Antarctic explorer Ernest Shackleton was seeking volunteers for an expedition to the South Pole. He placed the following ad in the London Times: Men wanted for hazardous journey, small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful; honor and recognition in case of success.

The next morning, 5000 men lined up to volunteer.

The payoff for a life of adversity is freedom.

Adversity is an opportunity to earn a type of freedom that cannot be given or bought—freedom from our fears, limitations, and external pressures.

I hope you’re good.

Take care, Kelly

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Here are two quotes from The CEO Test by Adam Bryant and Kevin Sharer. The book's content is simple, practical, and actionable for most leaders.

Quote No. 1

“A helpful acronym for leaders to keep in mind is WAIT, which stands for, "Why Am I Talking?" because anything a leader says can quickly overwhelm a discussion and make people shut down.

Asking yourself, “Why am I talking?” helps determine whether it’s more valuable to listen or contribute at that moment. Sometimes, listening is contributing. Leaders often dominate conversations due to their authority. As leaders, we must seek to understand and share the truth. That requires a balance of communication.

Quote No. 2

“What is clear and simple in the leader’s head is often not as clear and simple to everyone else. Because of the powerful gravitational pull in business to make things more complicated…a leader’s job is to provide the counterweight of a relentless drive to simplify complexity, and to develop a jargon-free plan for winning that everyone understands, remembers, and knows how to contribute. The simple plan will evolve over time…but the point is to start with a clear plan so you know what to adjust and why when market conditions change….The skill of simplifying complexity is not widely shared, and leaders need to make a conscious effort to practice it themselves and demand it from others.” (lightly edited for clarity)

The idea that leaders are a “counterweight to complexity” is powerful. Being a leader means being a simplifier. To execute, you and your team must understand reality, which means wading through complexity to find the truth.

Ask yourself:

• Do I understand the truth? Understanding requires discipline, curiosity, humility, and actively fostering a culture of truth-seeking and truth-speaking.

• Does everyone understand the truth? – Simplifying complex information is required to create actionable communication.

• Are our actions aligned with reality? – A well-crafted email is nice, but execution is what counts. Everyone should understand what you’re trying to do, why it’s important, the “why” of decisions, what you’re struggling with, and what excellence looks like in behavior and execution.

Actions:

• Prioritize communication. Where will you be intentional this week? This should include how you and your junior leaders are mastering the craft of communication, including listening.

• Ensure your team understands the what, why, and how of their work.

• Challenge your assumptions. Just because it’s clear to you doesn’t mean it is clear to everyone else. I consistently fall into this trap.

• Develop feedback loops to assess clarity and surface ideas, questions, and truth.

• Be explicit about the “why” in everything to foster better decision-making and understanding.

• Don’t assume people have heard your message or that they understand it—repetition is essential.

I hope you’re good.

Take care, Kelly

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A dear friend recommended the book Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. It took me a year to read it, which was a waste of a year. This week I scrolled through my highlights and I feel compelled to share a few with you.

You don’t have to see where you’re going, you don’t have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice about writing, or life, I have ever heard.

A sober friend once said to me, “When I was still drinking, I was a sedated monster. After I got sober, I was just a monster.” He told me about his monster. His sounded just like mine without quite so much mascara. When people shine a little light on their monster, we find out how similar most of our monsters are. The secrecy, the obfuscation, the fact that these monsters can only be hinted at, gives us the sense that they must be very bad indeed. But when people let their monsters out for a little onstage interview, it turns out that we’ve all done or thought the same things, that this is our lot, our condition. We don’t end up with a brand on our forehead. Instead, we compare notes.

On a bad day you also don’t need a lot of advice. You just need a little empathy and affirmation. You need to feel once again that other people have confidence in you.

We are given a shot at dancing with, or at least clapping along with, the absurdity of life, instead of being squashed by it over and over again. It’s like singing on a boat during a terrible storm at sea. You can’t stop the raging storm, but singing can change the hearts and spirits of the people who are together on that ship.

As part of my job, I’ve had hundreds, if not thousands, of opportunities to hear people’s stories. They have been generous in sharing. Here’s what I’ve learned.

The narratives vary, but the stories are strikingly similar when you peel away the layers and the armor. The parents who perceive themselves as not good enough, the young professionals who think they are behind in life, the mid-lifers that don’t think they did enough, or the leaders who are about to cave under pressure. Or, the countless people I’ve met that have beaten all the odds—going from nothing to being everything despite their fears, handicaps, and struggles.

While we are diverse, everyone is working through something—fear, loss, desire, love, failure, and even success. Someone you know is losing a loved one to illness, another is struggling with an addiction, someone else just lost their relationship, and another isn’t sleeping because someone in their life is in pain.

Others are waking up wondering how they got so lucky, with a slight tinge of, “I hope I don’t screw it up.” Still others had the courage to pursue their path, not the one their parents or society wanted for them. They are still fighting a struggle.

People have reasons for their actions—or inactions. Sometimes these reasons are rational, sometimes they aren’t, but in the moment, they usually make sense.

This week, I’m reminding myself that everyone has a story, and understanding those stories helps us understand each other. I’m thinking about how my relationships and friendships would change if I went even deeper. I know I still throw up walls and don’t always listen. I can be better.

We won’t always fully understand everyone, and that’s okay. What matters is that we keep trying and remember to be kind and empathetic. Everyone is worth getting to know. After all, we’re all just stories—hoping someone will listen.

I hope you’re good.

Take care, Kelly

PS: Here are my highlights from Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott

PPS: Thanks again for the recommendation. You know who you are. I’ll listen more carefully next time.

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I’ve been thinking about and talking about this topic a lot recently, and I found myself revisiting this post, so I’m resurfacing it for you today. I originally published this in July 2022.

Note: This post is made for listening, but I’ve included the transcript if you’d rather read.

TRANSCRIPT

[00:00:00] Hey there. I wanted to follow up on my other note about one of two things leaders are responsible for. The second one is compensation. And there's a whole lot to unpack there, so let's try to do it through a little bit of a story. I'm going to answer a question I get all the time, and that's “why did you join the army?”

[00:00:18] And the reason is pretty simple, it was about compensation.

Why did I join the army?

[00:00:22]

Let's go back 20 years, and it's 9/11. I remember very clearly where I was maybe like, most of you. I was at The Breakers, which is a posh hotel in Palm Beach, Florida.

That Tuesday morning, I found myself in a meeting room getting ready to give a presentation on a new piece of software. News started to trickle in that something had happened in New York and it wasn't clear how bad it was.

More information would come and we'd realize that something horrific had happened.

[AUDIO CLIP]

It was a very emotional day for everyone, and we'd spend the balance of it huddled around the TV, listening and trying to learn what was going on? I'm trying to understand what was happening in new Yorkers, what would happen to our country, and what our future would be like? What we did know is it was all going to be very different.

A Decision

A couple of days later, I woke up and I made a decision. Channeling a very famous scene from the movie Patton and my grandfather, I decided that I wanted to join the Marine Corps. In fact, I wanted to be a pilot. So I marched down to the Marine Corps recruiting office and I started that process.

Over the course of the next few months, and a lot of tests and a lot of things, the Marine Corps told me that I wasn't cut out to do that. They wanted me to be an infantry officer and that's not what I wanted. I think if I look back, it was purely a lack of commitment on my side. Maybe too slow, maybe too colorblind, but if I wanted it, I probably could have gotten it.

[00:03:48]

And if I'm being honest, I quit. Now the good news is a couple of weeks later I'd say something that would change my life forever and really impact everyone around me.

At the hotel, there was a long hallway, a very narrow hallway, the kind where you have to step aside so two people can pass each other. On the walls, they had motivational posters from the 1990s, complete with eagles soaring and all the things.

Now, this was the time before we all started pushing pixels via email and you had to get your information from printed documents. Down on the right, there is a small room about the size of a closet. This was a mail room. This is where those documents ended up in little slots on the wall.

[00:04:33]

I remember that day. I remember what the room smelled like, the temperature, and a beige phone sitting on the counter. My vision started to blur and that phone was my focus and I said out loud, "If there's ever another war, I'm gonna enlist."

Don't pass go. Don't collect $200. Skip all your egotistical dreams about being a Marine or a Naval aviator or any of those things. Just go get in the fight, Vohs. Now looking back, that was a little naive - but that's what happened.

I had a deep, deep, emotional desire to serve a country that had given me so much. I knew for the rest of my life, that it was going to give me more. I needed to do something about it. I needed to serve. At my core, I wanted to defend freedom as hokey as that sounds. That's my, "why."

[00:05:26]

It's also part of the reason why I ended up picking to go and special forces because their motto is De Oppresso Liber - "to free the oppressed". Now if I reflect back and go a little deeper, there are other emotions at play here, some of them were, self-centered like a desire for admiration and an immature understanding of war highly influenced by Hollywood.

So not long after that speech to myself, we would end up invading Iraq. And whether you agree with the politics or not, that at 26 year old, we returned to that moment in that mail room and that beige telephone and he got to work. Two weeks later, on my mom's birthday, I would end up enlisting. Happy birthday, mom.

[00:06:09]

Here's the deal. My ratio changed. My compensation ratio.

The Compensation Ratio & The Three Types of Compensation

Economical

[00:06:21]

The first is economical. What am I going to get paid?

We all need or want to put food on the table, steaks in the freezer, and Tesla's on the charger. Now as leaders, there are a couple of questions we should ask about the economical form of compensation for our team.

• Are people being paid well, and how does it compare to the market?

• What would it cost to replace this role?

• And most importantly, do they feel valued for what you're paying them?

Experiential

The second is experiential.

Everyone, whether they realize it or not wants to grow and get better.

• Ask yourself, are you providing an opportunity for people to gain experience?

• Are you providing them with opportunities for education?

• Is there learning curve steep?

A near-vertical learning curve is better. A job that challenges you 90% of the time is the right job. Now here's the thing, I use the word opportunity intentionally because you can't lead a horse to water and make' them drink. But you need to give the team opportunities to learn and grow.

Emotional

[00:07:20]

The last one, and the most important if you asked me, is emotional.

The one truly non-renewable resource we have is time. We can't get it back. We want to spend our time doing good things with good people. Things that matter with people we love. We want to wake up and look at our calendar on that little Star Trek inspired device and say, it's going to be a good day.

We want to have a deep, emotional connection to the people around us and to the mission. This is where leaders come in. They shine a light on the path. This is the mission, this is where we're headed, and this is why we're going to spend our most valuable currency, time, going after it.

What’s the right ratio?

What's the correct ratio? Only you can answer that and it's probably going to change over the course of your life. Everyone's different.

For the most part, there are deep reasons why we do what we do. Stories usually go back to our childhood. Around money, love, admiration, and the other things that have shaped us.

[00:08:18]

As you think about why people stay on your team or why you do what you do. It's always about compensation.

• Do we pay them well?

• Are they growing and learning?

• Are they connected to what they do and who they do it with?

If you don't provide them those opportunities, I promise you, somebody else will.

We Want Missionaries, Not Mercenaries

[00:08:36]

Let's pause for a moment and talk about money. We all have different desires for various reasons. Maybe you need to put food on the table, maybe you want a submarine or a helicopter, and maybe you just need to pay for your great aunt's nursing home that you don't tell anybody about. We may never be able to understand everybody's wants or needs, just let them be them.

That said, we have to be very careful when somebody's compensation ratio is near a hundred percent focused on economics. Let's put those living paycheck to paycheck or near poverty aside for a moment. If you have someone on your team that’s coming in every single day and all they care about is how much they are making, that's a problem. And that can be caustic.

After all, we want missionaries, not mercenaries.

My Ratio Changed, Again

[00:09:23]

Speaking of missions and mercenaries, I would end up getting out of the army and it was because my compensation ratio changed, again.

Specifically the emotional part. The mission changed. Princess Buttercup and I had welcomed three barrel-chested freedom fighters into the family. And now it became less about fighting for freedom and more about fighting for them.

The new mission for me was to be the very best father and husband I could possibly be. And I felt that I wasn't going to be able to be that person that I wanted to be.

[AUDIO CLIP]

There are green Berets out there that are able to do both - be an incredible father/husband and be a Green Beret, but that wasn't me. I tip my hat to them, but I had to hang up my little green hat so that I could focus on those little men.

My gut is that as I get older and wiser, my compensation ratio is not done changing. I continue to get clearer and clearer on what is most important to me in life and what my humans around me need from me.

Well, I hope you found this helpful. These are just some thoughts from a guy making it up as he goes. And if you did find it helpful, please share it with someone. And whatever you do, take care out there.

If you liked this, do me a favor and please hit like (algorithms after all) and forward it to at least one person who might like it too.

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The most powerful force that could be potentially harnessed is dogged incremental constant progress over a very long time frame.

-Peter Kaufman

I can’t be the only one who lets out a little sigh when the elevator stops on the way down. It’s too early, and this box feels too small. Can I just get to the bottom of the building and out to my daily caffeine spot with as little human interaction as possible, please? Usually, but not always, the newcomer gets a small smile from me, and maybe even a "good morning," just to show I’m perpetually scowling—or at least not at that moment. I'll come back to elevators in a minute.

Peter Kaufman was the CEO of Glenair, a Berkshire Hathaway company. He also wrote Charlie Munger’s Almanack. I’ve come across Kaufman’s insights over the years, including notes from a class he gave that I had to promise not to share. They were incredible. Thankfully, Kaufman has also spoken publicly. Recently, my journal reminded me of a speech he gave to an economics class, and it was wonderful. I’ll include the full transcript here—it’s worth your time—but I wanted to summarize a few thoughts that stood out.

Five Levels of Cognitive Prowess (from Albert Einstein):

1. Smart

2. Intelligent

3. Brilliant

4. Genius

5. Simple

"Simple" doesn’t mean unsophisticated. The world may seem complicated, but it’s not. Too often, we want the world to work our way instead of understanding how it really works. Few people can simplify how the world works. Kaufman shares this simple truth:

“Every interaction you have with another human being is merely mirrored reciprocation.”

In an elevator, if you smile and greet someone warmly, there’s a 98% chance they’ll respond in kind. Occasionally, you’ll get a negative reaction. You might feel embarrassed or even threatened. To avoid that risk, we don’t go all-in. We waste opportunities because we don’t want to look foolish. Kaufman quotes Lou Brock: “Show me a man who is afraid of appearing foolish, and I’ll show you a man who can be beaten every time.”

Now, here’s the real secret Kaufman shares:

Everyone on the planet wants the same thing and…

we spend our lives looking for someone who is:

• Trustworthy

• Principled

• Courageous

• Competent

• Loyal

• Kind

• Understanding

• Forgiving

• Unselfish

He adds,

“Most people spend all day long trying to get other people to like them. They do it wrong. You do this list, you won’t be able to keep the people away. Everybody’s going to want to attach to you.”

Then comes the real wisdom:

All you have to do, if you want everything in life from everybody else, is first pay attention, listen to them, show them respect, give them meaning, satisfaction, and fulfillment. Convey to them that they matter to you. And show you love them. But you have to go first. And what are you going to get back? Mirrored reciprocation.

Like the elevator, we have to go first. If we do these things, there’s a 98% chance they’ll be reciprocated. Sometimes, people won’t respond, and someone may take advantage of you, but that’s a risk worth taking. Bono from U2 said something similar:

“I know 10% of people are going to screw me. That’s OK. If I’m not willing to be vulnerable to that 10%, I’ll miss out on the other 90%.”

Try it—at home, at work, or on your next elevator ride. Try it with your partner, child, colleague, boss, or the kid scooping out that cookie indulgence you love. Show up, put your phone away, and pay attention. Show them respect and make them feel like they matter. Chances are, they’ll return the favor.

This is how the world works: people mirror what you give them. People want to be seen, loved, and live fulfilling lives. They want to be around people they trust. When you find someone who has your back and wants to help you win, you’ll do the same for them. It’s simple, but we need the courage to go first.

We get back what we give.

Hope you're good.

Take care, bye.

-Kelly

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Here is the full transcript: http://latticeworkinvesting.com/2018/04/06/peter-kaufman-on-the-multidisciplinary-approach-to-thinking/

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"…tranquility…comes when you stop caring what they say, think, or do. Only what you do."

• Marcus Aurelius

There is some change happening in my life. A new job, a kid left for college, and a few other things that add complexity and a touch of anxiety. Most of this change is good, some of it not. All of it is part of life.

Wrestling with a few thoughts and some internal disturbance, I went back to re-read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Often, it's not the books you read that make a difference in your life. It's the ones you re-read. This passage stood out.

"If you seek tranquility, do less. More accurately, do what is essential. Which brings the double satisfaction: do less, better."

Do Less, Better

He is, if nothing, concise. Here's what I take away.

"Do Less" - means simplifying your life and removing the unessential. Complexity adds stress, simplicity removes it.

"Better" - by doing less, you have the space to focus on the essentials and get better.

He goes on,

"Because most of what we say and do is not essential. If you can eliminate it, you'll have more time and more tranquility. Ask yourself at every moment, "Is this necessary?"

So. Do less, better.

I imagine the old emperor, the last of the "five good emperors," evaluating everything through this lens. Every conversation, every piece of food on his plate, and even every thought. Is this necessary? Is it good? For the unfamiliar, he's writing these notes to himself in his journal. He closes this passage with more advice to himself,

"But we need to eliminate unnecessary assumptions as well. To eliminate the unnecessary actions."

Much of what we think is both unessential and often untrue. We spend time on unnecessary thoughts, assumptions, and perceptions. We add stress, work, and worry because of the stories we create. I was creating stories. What does this person think, what does that mean, and what will happen if this doesn't happen?

Whether those thoughts were true or not doesn't matter - they were a waste of time and energy. The more we try to do, the less we do well. Mastery comes through focus. For me, the most essential task is to master my thoughts. Keep the essential and toss the unessential (and untrue) because, ultimately, my thoughts are the one thing I control. Those thoughts lead to my actions and ultimately who I become.

I hope you're good.

Take care, bye.

-Kelly

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I believe the most effective type of team is a “Human Team.”

These teams accept their members for their individual strengths and struggles. They want the entire human to show up, not just the tip of the iceberg. These teams are about helping each other, and the collective "us," find our potential. If you are on one of these teams, you feel it. It’s different, and you show up and do the best work of your life because you don’t want to let your teammates down.

Recently, I read a passage in the book 12 Second Culture. Mike Metcalf and Shaun Peet are NASCAR pit crew coaches. In their book, they do a much better job of describing a human team than I can. Here it is:

"As a leader, you can cultivate either an integrated or a compartmentalized culture. An integrated culture incorporates every aspect of those you are leading—their unique personalities, their personal lives, and their needs. It integrates their spirit and soul, their heart and mind, their loved ones, and their deep passions. It is essentially seeing someone for the fullness of who they are. This fullness always extends far beyond the workplace.

A compartmentalized culture, on the other hand, treats those you are leading as robots—bodies for labor and ends to a means in the binary tunnel of achieving or underachieving. Compartmentalization creates a certain unawareness about people's situations and deeper needs. It satisfies the fundamental needs of shelter, food, and clothing through compensation but falls short of addressing the higher needs of authenticity, belonging, development, and fulfillment. It forces employees to create boundaries between themselves, leadership, and daily objectives: to suppress who they are and to view the workplace as nothing more than a place to subsidize a life they wish they could spend more time in.

Could it be possible that empathy—elevating the humanity of every person and, therefore, their personal sufferings—taps into who we each innately are, cultivates togetherness, multiplies a deep sense of meaning on your team, integrates the personal with the professional, and ultimately inspires a more positive and efficient culture?" (Mike Metcalf & Shaun Peet, 12 Second Culture)

I’ve been lucky over my life to be a member of a few teams that I would call Human. None of them perfect, and that makes sense. But all of them have cared enough about me to help me make progress on finding my potential.

Hope you’re good.

Take care, bye.

-Kelly

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Two Quotes

“One of the things we try to do at Amazon is minimize the amount of energy that’s wasted on maintaining power and control and ego, as opposed to what really matters, which is helping our customers.” - Jeff Bezos

"To be everywhere is to be nowhere." – Seneca

A Lesson Learned

This past week, I learned about Amazon’s single-threaded leader model. I'll explain that in a minute, but first, an admission. I once thought I could do it all, whether for ego reasons or to prove my self-worth.

Whenever something needed to be done, I’d volunteer without considering the impact it would have at home or work. I kept adding more and more, which took a toll on my health, relationships, and, ultimately, my performance. Over the years, I learned:

• Multitasking is impossible. It’s just high-frequency switching, and it’s expensive.

• Focus over a long period is how you achieve excellence.

• Saying no is a superpower.

These mistakes are costly to us as individuals — they are deadly when they occur at scale inside an organization.

Single Threaded Leader

Amazon’s Single Threaded Leader model assigns one person fully dedicated to owning or driving a specific project, product, or initiative. This leader is not responsible for multiple tasks or areas but wakes daily, focused entirely on one thing. Their sole responsibility is to ensure this initiative receives the necessary attention and resources.

The success of the Single Threaded Leader model hinges on several critical factors:

• Focus, focus, focus: They have only one job. This eliminates switching costs that tax other leaders and allows them to dive deep into details. Positioned to understand reality, they can make faster and more informed decisions.

• One owner: They are ultimately responsible for strategy, execution, and results. The owner is accountable for success or failure.

• Autonomy Reduces Friction: Dependencies often create a ‘speed tax’ or a ‘quality tax’ because dependencies require communication and negotiation. Reducing dependencies is crucial.

• Be quick and iterate: This structure allows the leader to rapidly iterate without the distractions of managing multiple projects or dependencies. They still need to manage stakeholders, but their mandate is clear: keep working on the problem until you get it right.

It might be easy to dismiss this with a comment like, “Amazon has the resources to do this.” I agree—they do. However, be careful not to rationalize away your own mistakes by blaming your operating environment. I know I’ve done it, and I still do. Here are a few other things that feel important to underscore.

• If it’s important, commit. Side projects rarely get the attention and resources required to succeed. Put your best people on your biggest opportunities and be prepared for it to take longer and be more expensive than you thought.

• Don’t bury important initiatives deep in the organization. Don’t worry about conventional organizational charts or little boxes. Focus on what your organization needs to be the most effective. Ultimately, that’s your job.

• Fight Bureaucracy: Innovating requires moving quickly and iterating. Bureaucracy creeps in when you lack talent density, have low trust, or have high fear—usually all three.

Given the volume of information and the speed at which we operate, focus is more complicated than ever — personally and professionally. Here are a few questions I’m asking myself:

• What are examples of where my expectations of people are bigger than the resources I’ve given them?

• Where have I not put the best people on the most significant opportunities? Instead, I leave them where they are because I’m scared.

• Am I still stuck in thinking about organizational charts in a conventional way? The NVIDIA CEO has 35+ direct reports, and the company is the second most valuable in the world. It is an outlier, to be sure, but it is still worth challenging yourself.

• Where am I still saying yes to things I don’t want to do? Personally and professionally.

I hope you’re good. If you liked this, please hit like to let me know and share it with someone else who might like it, too.

Take care, bye.

-Kelly

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Are you on a team or just a group working in parallel?

The word "team" dates back to the 8th century and originally referred to a group of animals harnessed together to pull a cart or plow. By the 15th century, it had evolved to its modern meaning—a group of people working together, particularly in competitive contexts like sports or battles.

Today, "team" means collaboration, mutual support, shared objectives, and winning.

A couple of yaks harnessed together to pull a cart are just two yaks pulling a cart. Many so-called teams are like this—maybe your team is too. Just people working in parallel, trying to survive. The best teams work to reach a point that I call "no space between."

Hold your hand and spread your fingers out as wide as possible, like holding your hand up and telling someone you will be there in five minutes. Now, bring your fingers together, with your thumb and fingers pointing up like you are holding your hand up to tell someone to stop. This is the difference between teams with space between and those with no space between.

Here’s what I’d say to a team as we work to have no space between:

1. Trust - We help each other win. Period.

Great teams don’t question whether or not someone has their back: no games, no politics, no half-truths, and no trying to outdo each other. The competition is out there. We don’t have room for it in here.

Allowing issues to create space between us creates a crack in our team’s wall. Cracks are normal and part of teaming. If we don’t address these cracks, they get bigger, and eventually, we will fail. A great team doesn’t let cracks grow. When you see or feel a crack, you have to fix it. Honest conversations are the mortar that repairs these cracks.

Remember, trust is different for each of us. Some trust entirely at the start. For others, trust takes time. You can’t force trust. It is an action-by-action affair. Everything you do builds or degrades trust with the people around you.

1. Be aggressive about transparent communication

Information is motivation and a resource in the mission. Confidentiality is the enemy of trust. Great teams are transparent to a level that often feels uncomfortable to more conventional folks. They are clear on what they will and won’t share but err on the side of sharing.

Often, we get caught in the trap that, just because it’s in our head, we think everyone knows. Everyone doesn’t know. You must keep repeating yourself. Once you start hearing others say it, it’s getting through. When they start making fun of you, it has taken hold.

When General Mattis took over Central Command (CENTCOM), he made everyone put post-it notes on their phones: “What do I know? Who needs to know? And what have I told them?”

1. Seek and tell the truth

We have honest conversations about the work, interactions, and ourselves. We are curious because we want to understand reality. We ask a lot of questions and relentlessly seek the truth. Our biases, history, and ego can color our perspective. We know that.

When we find opportunities or issues that impact the mission, we don’t wait—we address them head-on. People’s lives may not be on the line, but their livelihoods are.

Honest and meaningful conversations strengthen our wall. Two ways to start these conversations are, “The story I’m telling myself is _____” or “The way I see things from my perspective is _____. Please help me understand what I’m missing.” Then, listen, don’t talk.

1. Dissent is a responsibility

We challenge and disagree. Even if we agree, we argue the other side to expose the flaws. It’s always respectful and is about finding the correct answer, not our answer.

Once we decide, and there is no silent voting, we stand shoulder to shoulder with the decision. There is no "we decided, but I was against it." Instead, it's, "We debated deeply, and this is our decision, which we all support 100%."

1. Honor the Missing

Great teams don’t talk about each other behind their backs. Gossip is a four-letter word on these teams. Sometimes, you need to talk about someone when they aren’t there—that’s okay. But when you do, you must tell them what you said. Don’t say anything you wouldn’t say to someone’s face. No exceptions.

When making decisions, look around and see whose perspective isn’t heard. Maybe it’s because they aren’t in the room or don’t feel they can openly share.

1. We care deeply

The best teams have a mission that each person connects with emotionally and is clear on their role in the mission. We work to establish deep connections with each other and become masters of our craft.

Time is our one nonrenewable resource. We want to spend it doing things that matter to us with people who matter to us, and we won’t let them down.

1. Values Synchronicity

Our work is solving problems—that’s why we exist. We want our teammates to have diverse backgrounds and beliefs to solve various issues. We also want people who are culturally aligned. For example, to be on this team, you must be kind, helpful, thoughtful, and respectful. Your default must be humility, doing the right thing, honesty, transparency, and taking personal responsibility, to name a few.

1. Minimize the Ego

We work hard to check our individual and collective egos at the door. We know egos cause us to take things personally, be defensive, or look down on others. We have a hierarchy and titles for decision-making, not wielding power. We work hard to ensure every member feels safe to bring their ideas, arguments, and self to the team. Minimizing ego also puts the team and mission ahead of personal gain. If someone is overly worried about how decisions impact them personally, they will struggle to do what’s right for the mission and team.

1. Be respectful

We use words like "please" and "thank you." We respect people’s time, show up, and focus. We respect opinions, even when they differ from our own. We practice deep listening and loving speech. We understand that not being 100% honest with someone is incredibly disrespectful and unkind.

1. Follow through on your promises

Great teams hold each other accountable, regardless of rank or title. We are clear on the objectives and work to ensure everyone has the resources to deliver on what we are asking.

Once we do this, we each need to do our jobs. We tell people when we’re asking them to stretch and where failure is not acceptable. People won’t be perfect, especially if we ask them to do the biggest job of their lives. Often, people need someone to believe in them before they believe in themselves. A team leader's job is to help people find their potential. Sometimes, that requires patience and support.

If we’ve been clear with each other and someone isn’t delivering, we address it. We are humans, so it’s complicated. Maybe they need help to get through something hard. Or maybe they aren’t right for the team and must leave. Be honest, that’s respectful. When leading and managing humans, ask yourself, “How would I want someone to treat me?” Usually, that’s the correct answer.

If we aren’t delivering as a team, we need to have the courage to change—either what we’re doing, how we’re doing it, or who is doing it. We won’t let our collective ego or sunk costs get in the way of the correct answer.

1. Spend energy wisely

We only have so much energy - spend it solving the problems that help us accomplish the mission. We must spend as little of it as possible on fear or status.

Clear, consistent, and authentic communication builds trust and reduces fear. This trust helps us create a team where we don’t worry about mistakes, failure, or saying or doing the wrong thing. You aren’t fearless at this point, but you do fear less. When we fear less, we can be more creative and courageous. This is one reason why trust is essential. When we don’t trust each other, we aren’t a team. We are just working in parallel, trying to survive by protecting our status and resources.

Leaders, by virtue of their position, have a significant impact here. If your ‘boss’ is transparent about where you stand and where you can go, it reduces your fear (assuming you trust them). When leaders are transparent with their team, they leave little room for them to tell themselves stories. They might still worry but worry about the same things the leader is worrying about, not something they are imagining.

Leaders can’t solve everyone’s problems. We each need to take responsibility for ourselves and manage the voices in our heads. The negative ones are fear, uncertainty, criticism, and doubt. Remember the acronym FUC’D. If you don’t get those voices under control, you are FUC’D. Insecurity is often the biggest killer of careers. Manage your energy and know when you need to take time to get your head straight. The team is counting on you.

1. Lead by example

You have to model the behavior you want. What you say doesn’t matter; what you do matters.

If you aren’t happy with your team's culture or performance, start by looking in the mirror. You can’t control other people, only yourself. Start there and show them what it means to be transparent, humble, decisive, courageous, truth-seeking, and resilient. Show them what care looks like and what it means to help others win. Show them excellence.

Leadership isn’t a title. It’s action. Everyone is responsible for building a team with no space between.

1. Better Today Than Yesterday (BTTY)

Parties and perks don’t make teams—humans do—interaction by interaction, decision by decision. There are so few real teams because it’s hard and takes time. You can’t fix it all in a day. It has been famously said that “we overestimate what we can do in a year and underestimate what we can do in ten years.”

Incremental improvement that compounds is difficult to beat. Each day, show up and work to make the team, business, and yourself just a little better. A 1% improvement every day builds on itself. Big goals help you know where you are going, but the little things you do each day make that a reality.

When you go to bed at night, ask yourself, “Did my actions today make the team better or worse?” Sometimes, those actions might be counterintuitive. It might mean you need to take a day off. Or it could even mean firing a customer who is not good for your team. What is the next right thing? Do enough of those, and can you wake up in the morning and say, “We are better today than we were yesterday.”

This is about iteration and requires you to not shy away from hard conversations or decisions, particularly about yourself.

Ask Yourself:

• Do you have a team or people working in parallel, trying to survive?

• From this list, decide what is working and not working on your team.

• From that, what do you think you should focus on? Just one.

• Where can you change how you behave to move the humans on your team closer together? How is your behavior causing cracks?

When there is no space between, it will be easy to know—you will feel it and see it in your results.

Hope you’re good.

Take care, bye.

-Kelly

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Clarity is arguably a leader's first job. Why are we here? What are we doing? How do we work?

MISSION = WHY

This is why we exist—the mission. It’s the guiding principle that serves as the foundation for all work. When you talk about it, you should feel your energy rise. When it gets hard, this is what gets you to the other side of the hard. The mission should be clear and have deep meaning to everyone.

STRATEGY = WHAT

This is the plan of action to achieve the mission. This is where analytical thinking, understanding reality, and committing resources intersect.

Strategy is the high-level direction, and tactics are the specific actions. One way to think about it is like a road trip. "We’re headed east" is the strategy. The turn-by-turn directions, the vehicle choice, who drives when, and keeping those fed who get hangry are the tactics.

Don’t fall into the trap of believing that you must have all the answers just because you are in charge. Sometimes, you must drive, navigate, pay for gas, nap, or change a tire. Your role should constantly change depending on what the team needs from you. And don’t forget, if you could do this yourself, you wouldn’t have a team.

CULTURE = HOW

The behavior of each person as they execute the work forms your culture. This happens interaction by interaction and decision by decision. Will I say "please" and "thank you"? Will I punish someone for taking a calculated risk that failed?

You need to be intentional about the behavior you expect. The values on the wall often get mocked because they aren’t lived. If the values are lived, people won’t laugh at them—they’ll be proud of them. But if you say you want transparency but hoard information, they should make fun of you. If you say respect is a value but show up late to meetings, talk over people, and never listen, then you don’t believe in respect. Remember, the more power a person has, the more impact their behavior has on shaping culture.

In 2009, Reed Hastings, the founder of Netflix, published a 125-page slide deck on their values. That’s right, 125 pages. It begins with:

Be Clear On How - That Drives Everything

Reading Scaling People by Claire Johnson, I stumbled upon Stripe’s Operating Principles. They are great. Here’s one I like:

“Solve problems. Be a persistent force for progress. Our leaders must work with their teams and across Stripe to quickly and effectively solve problems—especially when they’re hard.”

Amazon’s leadership principles are great, too. The original version of these was sent out by Bezos after his head of HR spent nine months interviewing people to figure out what really mattered in their culture. It has grown from 9 to 14 principles since then. Here’s a favorite:

“Earn Trust: Leaders listen attentively, speak candidly, and treat others respectfully. They are vocally self-critical, even when doing so is awkward or embarrassing. Leaders do not believe their or their team’s body odor smells of perfume. They benchmark themselves and their teams against the best.”

You can have a clear mission, strategy, and tactics, but it doesn’t matter if you fail to execute. Execution is all about the "how." Be clear on the behavior you want to hire, reward, and promote. Ultimately, this will be your culture. Hastings says it best, “Values are what we value.”

Here’s a link to all three. They are worth a few minutes of your time.

Stripe Operating Principles

Amazon Leadership Principles

Netflix Culture (2009 Version)

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Hope you’re good.

Take care, bye.

-Kelly

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Some people give space, others take it.

Givers let you talk.

Takers do the talking.

Givers give credit and take the blame.

Takers take credit and give blame.

Givers seek answers.

Takers are the ones with all the answers.

Givers focus on improving.

Takers are busy proving.

We don’t ever exclusively play the role of space taker or space giver. Our role should change depending on the situation. Sometimes, you need to be a space taker. Sometimes, a space giver.

The question to ask yourself constantly is, “Right now, am I helping or hurting?” If you don’t know the answer, ask the people around you. They know.

When we listen, we learn. We’re getting better at our craft and connecting the dots. We’re leveraging everyone around us to come up with the right answers, not just our answers. We can foster a culture of listening and learning or one focused on proving.

The team will take the attitude and behaviors of its leaders. Behave accordingly.

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Hope you’re good.

Take care, bye.

-Kelly

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I’m working on something that I call a MAP: Me, a Page. The idea is to give someone my instruction manual. I have quirks, beliefs, pet peeves, and ways of working. Why keep them a secret and make them learn it the hard way? They likely aren’t permanent or perfect, but they are me at this moment.

In the process of doing that, I thought I’d write down my values. That seemed simple enough, but it’s not. Sitting next to Princess Buttercup, I took out a notebook and wrote down a few words. One of them was wisdom.

As she read, and we both enjoyed some salt air, I thought about wisdom. What does it mean? How do you define it? So I asked a friend. Here is what ChatGPT said:

“Wisdom is the ability to make sound judgments and decisions based on knowledge, experience, and insight. It involves understanding the deeper meaning of life, seeing things clearly, and acting with prudence and integrity.”

With that in mind, I started writing what I thought was important. What insights do I currently hold true? As far as the “deeper meaning of life,” I don’t have that answer. If you do, please let me know. Here’s the list I came up with.

Like everything I share weekly, it could be right or wrong. I’m just making it up as I go. You probably are, too. I feel obligated to stress that this list is not complete. Each week, I try to share the lessons I learn and how I’m trying to get better. So, I’m sharing it live. Maybe one or two of these resonate with you.

• Understand and embrace reality. Resisting or resenting will not help. Focus on what you can control. Life is problem-solving. Get good at solving problems and/or letting them go.

• Love people and events. Good or bad, both are temporary and almost always helpful for learning. Be tolerant, humble, and curious. Love helps. Hate hurts.

• Truth requires curiosity. Seek and speak only the truth, especially about yourself. Understand who you really are and act accordingly. Self-awareness and self-control. Don’t conform to external expectations or superficial desires. Your maximum impact lies at the intersection of what the world needs and what you love.

• Pride dulls the senses. Don’t let your ego stop you from learning and loving. A willingness to look foolish is a superpower.

• Everyone struggles with something. Ask enough questions, and you’ll find out. Everyone is fighting a battle.

• Respond, don’t react. Emotions cloud judgment and reality — particularly anger, fear, pride, and sadness. Don’t suppress them; work to understand and master them. If your inside game is strong, your outside game will be too. We have absolute control over our thoughts. Nothing else.

• Do good, not bad, and know the difference. Good comes from good action, and evil comes from vice and moral failure.

• It’s not about you. It’s about us. We are all connected, and we each have a duty to contribute to our shared harmony.

• Don’t time travel. Past regrets and future anxieties are distractions and rarely real.

• Simple is better. Focus on what really matters. Think and live simply.

• Just because you can win the game doesn’t mean you should play. This applies to relationships, jobs, missions, and ideas. Quit when you realize you’re playing the wrong game, but make sure you’re quitting for the right reasons. It’s easy to lie to yourself when it gets hard. Most good things are hard at some point.

• Appreciation takes effort. Bad things are a threat, so they’re easier to see. It takes effort to see the good and the progress in yourself, others, and society.

• Happiness is a choice. It’s not always easy, but still a choice. The distance between your perception and your expectation is your amount of unhappiness. Change your perception or your expectation to close that distance. Also, it’s okay to be sad sometimes. Bad things happen.

• Usually, it’s enough, and you’re enough. Just enjoy it. It doesn’t have to be any different than this moment.

Take care, bye.

-Kelly

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A few years ago, I was part of a technology transformation at a company. Transformation is really just a big word for fixing everything that's broken. A friend who was leading the project looked at me and said, "Listen, you can have it fast, good, or cheap, but you can't have all three. You get to pick two." That applies not only to technology but probably a lot of things in life.

Lessons From Changing Tires

I just finished a book by a couple of former athletes who now coach NASCAR pit crews. Like the vehicles, the pitting exercise is based mainly on rules and should be the same for everyone. Their job is to coach the team to pit a race car successfully in 12 seconds. That’s the person changing the tire, filling the fuel, etc. They take other athletes, like former Division I football players, and transform them into a team. They used three important words: overworked, underpaid, and underappreciated.

Two Important Things

If you feel two out of those three, it's probably okay. It doesn't feel great; maybe you won't quit. But if you have all three—overworked, underpaid, and underappreciated—you’re out. And appreciation is free. That got me thinking.

Everyone wants to be appreciated for what they do AND who they are.

They might not need as many words of affirmation as someone else, but everybody wants to know that their time is well spent and, ideally, that what they do is good. Most people want to be good.

Appreciating requires attention.

That's true whether you're thinking about one of your teammates or what's happening around you. I could say something as simple as appreciating the clouds, but it takes attention to stop and look at them. The same thing is true for somebody on your team. It's about stopping and recognizing that they bring a specific contribution they may or may not be aware of, and that deserves appreciation.

A Simple Practice

A while back, I started doing this thing, and I'm very inconsistent with it, but I will resurface it. I pick someone and call them on my commute home—an old-school phone call. I know not everybody likes that, and not everybody wants to answer the phone, but it's more than a text. In today's world, it's almost like a handwritten note.

I give them a specific example of what you appreciate, ideally about how they are on the team and what I value in them versus some particular task they completed. Yes, you should tell them when they do a good job on something specific or put in extra effort, but sometimes it's more powerful to appreciate how they go about their work and what they bring. If true, I tell them how they make me feel better and what I’m learning from them because it is true. If we're paying attention, we can take the superpowers of the people around us and absorb some of them. But whatever you do, you have to be sincere.

Fuel

We spend a lot of time identifying everybody else's blind spots and weaknesses. What if we spent more time helping people figure out what they were really good at? When you can appreciate something in someone that they either are not aware of or don't understand is something they're really good at, you can help them pour fuel on their fire.

There are many ways to appreciate people. Making that phone call at the end of the week is just one of them. What if your week ended with a phone call like that? How would you feel today? How would you start your Monday?

Take care. Bye.

-Kelly

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We are compensated in three ways:

• Economical: We get paid.

• Educational: We learn and grow.

• Emotional: We love the work and/or the people we work with—ideally, both.

When we have at least two of these, we feel good. When we have all three, we are fully engaged. At different points in our lives, each of these has varying levels of importance. Each can, depending on the moment and for different reasons, lead to discretionary effort. For most people, the emotional aspect tends to matter the most over a long period of time. Compensation isn’t just about money. It’s also about the learning and loving you do.

Economic Compensation

Economic compensation is important for everyone. The reasons are often different: perhaps you didn’t have anything as a kid, don’t have anything now, or want to take care of someone who doesn’t have anything. Regardless, the story is “real” to you and you want to get paid.

The quality of your decisions and the value you create usually correlate with the cash you receive. If that’s not true, you might be overvaluing yourself, or the market is undervaluing you. It’s crucial to find the truth here. Make sure you don’t lie to yourself. It’s easy to blame others for what you get paid.

Most of the people you know get paid for their judgment. Whether they’re leading a team, making investment decisions, or designing a brochure, it’s judgment. If you want to have a bigger impact or a bigger bank account, you need to have better judgment. Here are some thoughts on how to improve your judgment and ultimately get paid more, both economically and emotionally.

Gain Unique Knowledge

Unique knowledge is learned, not taught. It happens in apprenticeships, not in school. The curious and humble make the most progress here.

Your knowledge shapes your judgment (good or bad). If your knowledge is not unique, you can be replaced. If your answers are a commodity or can be found in a textbook or ChatGPT, you’ll get paid like a commodity. More likely, you’ll get replaced by someone who read the same book and will do the job for less. Increasingly, the chances are that someone won’t be human.

Learning Obsession

If you can spend your days obsessively learning what you’re obsessed with, one day, you will wake up, and you’ll be the best in the world at that thing. You’ll have better judgment than anyone else on that thing. You won’t love all parts of your obsession, but it’s the parts that you love that keep you coming back when things get hard.

Tom Brady, Taylor Swift, Kobe Bryant, Jony Ive, Julia Child, Mr. Beast, and Serena Williams— their judgment was/is unmatched, both in execution and in learning about their obsession.

You and I can make all the excuses why it’s too late for us to do this, but they’re just excuses. When you stop growing, so do your rewards—both financial and emotional.

If you were to wake up on a Saturday morning full of energy with no responsibilities, no pressures, and your family out of town, what would you spend your day learning? What YouTube rabbit hole would you go down? What stack of books would you tear into? Maybe your obsession lies somewhere in that answer.

Own It

Your willingness to fail publicly and under your own name is directly connected to the impact you can have and/or the wealth you create. Renting your time (i.e., a paycheck) is less risky than building your own organization.

There is a reason why owners get paid more—even inside a company. The people who “own it” take the risk away from others, and their actions say, “I got this. I’ll own this and make sure we don’t fail. It’s my responsibility, and you can hold me accountable.” They are a different kind of owner, but owners nonetheless.

Naval Ravikant originated the idea of “Specific Knowledge,” but I prefer “Unique Knowledge.” Ultimately, this is about being unique. Your DNA + experiences + will = you. No one can compete with you on being you. As he says, you “productize yourself.” Depending on how much time you spend refining that product over decades will determine how valuable you are to the world.

I hope you’re good. Take care. Bye.

-Kelly

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“Escape competition through authenticity. When you’re competing with people, it’s because you’re copying them. It’s because you’re trying to do the same thing. But every human is different. Don’t copy.” (Naval Ravikant)

I don’t like the word authenticity. Maybe it’s too big, or too many books have been written about it. It’s probably because too many management consultants who couldn’t manage a lemonade stand talk about it. It’s easy to say “be authentic,“ but it’s hard to execute. Given my aversion to the word, I went in search of another word to replace it and found truthfulness.

So, when we say “be authentic” we are really saying be truthful. When you think about it in that context, our choice is simple: Be authentic or lie.

Let’s stop lying. Wear what makes you feel comfortable, do work you love, and love whoever you want. While I have a personal aversion to face tattoos, I’m down if it feels right for you.

While we are in the spirit of stopping, let’s stop competing.

Once upon a time, there wasn’t enough. Famine was widespread, resources were limited, and you died if they didn’t win against the folks across the river. While not everyone lives the life you and I have, there is enough. Today, we don’t have to compete. We choose to compete because we fear losing resources or status. Someday, we will realize that not only is there enough, but we are enough.

You can’t beat me at being me. I can’t beat you. And neither one of us should try. We should spend no energy there. We should spend all our energy figuring out how to be ourselves. That means understanding what we love doing and who we love doing it with. We should obsess over those things. Once we figure that out, that’s who and what should occupy our days.

It doesn’t matter if there is a degree, a job title, or a label. It doesn’t matter if they will like it at the country club, the nightclub, or the supper club. What matters is that when you put it on in the morning, it feels right. What feels right isn’t always easy, and not everyone will understand. It doesn’t matter if they understand. It matters whether you understand and are being honest with yourself.

So long as you aren’t lying to yourself, keep doing you. No one can compete with you.

Take care,

-Kelly

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"Your whole life is a kind of apprenticeship to which you apply your learning skills. Everything that happens to you is a form of instruction if you pay attention." (Robert Greene, Mastery)

A friend sent me photos from her trip to Yellowstone—an extraordinary place. When I visited, I couldn't help but imagine how it was centuries ago: simple, wild, and a bit scary.

The idea of roaming freely is romantic, but it is also dangerous. That's why we stopped. We found a better way to survive by building communities where each of us contributes our unique skills. We divided the work, and we thrived. We're the only species that does this—division of labor. One person makes flour, another makes sugar, you bake the cake, and we all enjoy it together. Work together, and we get cake—hopefully, good cake. If someone doesn't do their job, there's no cake.

The lucky (and persistent) are good at many things. Good should not be the goal; rather, it should be mastery. DaVinci, Aurelius, Monet, Einstein, and King were masters of their craft. Maybe you think they were special. They were because they made a decision to become masters. They weren't perfect, but they achieved mastery.

Like you, I have excuses for why I am the way I am, why I've done what I've done, and why I do what I do. When your time is over, what do you want to have mastered? Instagram scrolling? Making money? Winning arguments? Proving yourself? I want to master patience, emotion, judgment, desire, relationships, arrogance, empathy, discipline, fear, and ego. This is where masters start. They wrestle with their demons and work to master these aspects of their lives. Getting these right opens the space to become masters of our craft at work.

Some look at work as a way to make a living—a job. And it is. We shouldn't overthink it or attach too much identity to it. But it's also a duty. It doesn't matter what work you do, how much you make, what you drive, where you live, or your airline status. What matters is whether you give more to the community than you take. We must do this through mastery. It, too, is a duty.

Patience, emotion, judgment, desire, relationships, arrogance, empathy, discipline, fear, and ego - those are the focuses. I also intend to keep working on the craft of loving my wife, my kids, my friends, my community, and myself.

The work we do today shapes who we will be in ten years. So, check your ego, Kelly. Ask more questions and go empty the dishwasher.

Your great-grandchildren may not know your name, but you're building the world they'll live in.

-Kelly

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We spend so much time wishing our lives were different, comparing ourselves to other people and to other versions of ourselves, when really most lives contain degrees of good and degrees of bad. - Matt Haig, The Midnight Library

I’ve been thinking a lot about responding, not reacting. Making space between provocation, judgment, and action provides time to explore reality—an opportunity to find the truth about the situation, yourself, and what you can control.

When possible, delay. If delaying your response does not reduce the chances of a favorable outcome, delay. More information often comes with time. At a minimum, things become clearer. Less emotion and more sleep always help.

Writing helps, too. Write about what is happening, what you know, what matters, how you feel, and the actions available to you. Keep writing (or talking to a trusted friend) until you’ve removed the emotion (ego, fear, desire, etc.) or at least realized their collective impact on your perception.

We want to find the truth about what matters, what we can control, and what should happen next. Sometimes, it’s nothing.

I hope you're good. Bye.

-Kelly

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"A true student is like a sponge. Absorbing what goes on around him, filtering it, latching on to what he can hold. A student is self-critical and self-motivated, always trying to improve his understanding so that he can move on to the next topic, the next challenge. A real student is also his own teacher and his own critic. There is no room for ego there." (Ryan Holiday, Ego Is the Enemy)

Through trial and error, I learned my skills and knowledge as a parent on the job (I'm still trying). I made so many mistakes (and still do). But, almost all were valuable and helpful, though often painful. Most of our learning happens this way: unstructured and by chance. That's incidental learning, which is useful and effective.

Intentional learning is different. It is deliberate, structured, goal-oriented, and focused on acquiring knowledge or skills. In this context, you are usually drawing on BOTH your experience and the experience of others. Finishing school is where this type of learning ends for most people.

If you want an advantage over almost everyone, be intentional about your learning. Decide what you want to learn, and be deliberate. Learn from both your experiences and the experiences of others.

I hope you're good. Bye.

Take care, Kelly

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He is a dear friend, a long-time mentor, and one of the most remarkable people I know. He left his job as CEO to build a hotel run by folks with special needs. He's pretty special.

For decades, he's drilled into me the qualities required to be a good leader. Here they are:

• Humility & empathy.

• Self-awareness & self-control.

I've always agreed. They make sense, but I never dug in. Then, I sat with another leader for a few hours talking about leadership, and they started to crystallize. Defining these words helps. Here's how ChatGPT defines these:

Humility is having a modest or low view of one's importance. It involves recognizing one's limitations and weaknesses, being open to feedback and new ideas, and valuing the contributions and perspectives of others. Humility fosters a willingness to learn, grow, and cooperate with others, and it helps build strong, respectful relationships.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share another person's feelings. It involves recognizing and appreciating what others are experiencing emotionally and cognitively. Empathy allows individuals to connect with others on a deeper level, fostering compassion, support, and effective communication. It is a crucial component of healthy relationships and social interactions, as it helps individuals respond to others with kindness and consideration.

Self-awareness is understanding one's character, feelings, motives, and desires. It involves recognizing one's strengths and weaknesses and how one's actions impact oneself and others.

Self-control is the ability to regulate one's emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in the face of temptations and impulses. It involves delaying gratification and exercising restraint to achieve long-term goals.

All these made me think of Jim Collins's definition of a Level 5 Leader from his book Good to Great. Here is a short definition of that:

A Level 5 leader is humble and driven. They use their will to propel their organization to greatness. They do this through modesty, resilience, and a commitment to long-term success over personal gain.

• Humility: Low ego. Serve others. We, not me. Everyone and everything is my teacher.

• Empathy: Seek to understand. This will bring truth and connection.

• Self-awareness: Know your truth. Behavior, strengths, weaknesses, and desires.

• Self-Control: Discipline, long-term, rational, resilient.

My friend says these are principles of leadership. But they also apply to everyday life. They're central to building lasting communities, families, and teams.

I hope you're good.

Take care, Kelly

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"The best way for me to spend any given day is to essentially figure out how to make my team a tiny bit better. Because there's really only two kinds of days-ones when your team gets better and ones when your team gets worse. And if you just spend time getting better, then over a prolonged period of time you become essentially unbeatable."

-Adam Bryant and Kevin Sharer, The CEO Test

Missions hold a special place in my heart. They aren’t a few words on the pretty wall at headquarters. Missions are blisters. They are sunburns. They are two weeks of eating the same food or days without food. They are clothes that can stand on their own because you sweated so much that the salt holds them up. Missions mean rationing water because you aren’t sure when you’ll find more.

You meticulously plan missions. You have primary, alternate, contingency, and emergency (PACE) courses of action because you know no plan survives contact with reality. You analyze, prepare, rehearse, and execute. It means bleeding, sweating, and crying. You do whatever it takes because the mission matters. If the mission is big enough, you are on a team. Hopefully, with people who matter to you. People you never want to let down - your team. All teams need leadership. But what does that mean?

Leadership is about clarity. The leader’s job is to move information and emotion. Ultimately, the leader's success is defined by how effectively the team operates. Central to this is ensuring the right people are sitting in the right seats on the bus, focused on the right things at the right time.

Sometimes, leaders get it wrong—the wrong person, the wrong seat, or the wrong bus. When that happens, the team's effectiveness suffers. Leaders have to fix it. Quickly.

What do you do when you've got the wrong people in the wrong seats?

Two Options

• Develop them

• Replace them

I’ve been adding filters over the years to determine which of these is the right course of action when I evaluate team members. If I had read the book Beyond Entrepreneurship, I would have spent less time stumbling in the dark. Jim Collins has done an excellent job assembling a list you can use today. Although I’m not done reading the book yet, I bought a few stacks for the office. I walked around handing it out, saying, “Page 18. Just read page 18.” Here’s Collin’s list for evaluating people.

• Are you beginning to lose people by keeping this person in the seat?

• Do you have a values problem, a skills problem, or a will problem?

• What’s the person’s relationship to the window or the mirror? This requires some explaining. Do they take responsibility when things go wrong? Do they shine a light on others' successes? Do they blame the circumstances? Mirror mature people always ask, “What could I have done better?”

• Does this person view work as a job or a responsibility?

• Has your confidence in them gone up or down in the last year?

• Do you have a bus problem or a seat problem? Sometimes, you have the right person in the wrong seat.

• How would you feel if the person quit?

I’ll add the one I’ve been using for a few years,

“Knowing what you know now, would you hire them again for this role?”

As leaders, our decisions often have options that are between bad and cataclysmic. The more senior you become, the more this is true. If you are a human-centric leader, your hardest decisions will be about people.

Almost no one shows up and wants to do a bad job. They’re usually doing the best they can with what they have. They’re juggling their strengths and struggles, trying to harmonize their priorities. We must be,

“Be Rigorous, Not Ruthless”

Rigor is about truth and honesty. Not being honest is unkind. Lead with compassion, care, and communication. It will be okay if they know you have their best interest at heart and genuinely want them to win. Collins says,

"To be rigorous, not ruthless, requires a blend of courage and compassion. The courage comes in being direct and straightforward, not hiding behind made-up reasons or delegating the hard task to someone else. If you don’t have the guts to take personal responsibility for making the decision and delivering the news, then you don’t have the right to lead. The compassion comes via tone and respect. Are you handling the change in such a manner that you’d feel comfortable calling this person on his or her birthday next year, and years down the road? And would the person warmly welcome the call?"

Leaders don’t have to be the only ones to ask these questions. You can ask them about yourself, too. Just because you are on the bus doesn’t mean you need to stay or should stay.

You won't need to drive the bus if the team is effective. Only stay out of their way.

Take care, Kelly

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"Workaholics aren’t heroes. They don’t save the day, they just use it up. The real hero is already home because she figured out a faster way to get things done."

-Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson, Rework

Video calls have become a significant part of my life. Probably yours, too. People are quick to admonish them. I’m not in that crowd. They are helpful and add a level of productivity that we never had before. For me, there is no replacement for the energy you feel when sitting with someone. We have to make time for those too.

I was reviewing some of my old notes on running good meetings when I came across this from Seth Godin. It’s too good not to share.

Toward A Zoom Agreement by Seth Godin

• If you promise not to check your email while we’re talking, we promise to not waste your time.

• If you agree to look me in the eye and try to absorb the gist of what I’m saying, I agree to be crisp, cogent, and on point.

• If you are clear about which meetings are a waste of time for you to attend, we can be sure to have them without you.

• If you can egg me on and bring enthusiasm to the interaction, I can lean into the work and reflect back even more energy than you’re contributing.

• The purpose of a meeting is not to fill the allocated slot on the Google calendar invite. The purpose is to communicate an idea and the emotions that go with it, and to find out what’s missing via engaged conversation. If we can’t do that, let’s not meet.

• Multi-tasking isn’t productive, respectful or healthy.

I’ll add one of my own. People don’t dislike meetings. They dislike having their time wasted.

I hope you’re good.

Take care, Kelly

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Leadership is disappointing people at a rate they can absorb. Leadership is ultimately about driving change, while management is about creating stability. Stability is important in a work environment, but confronting challenges and realizing new ideas require discomfort.

This means that you and your teams must abandon the stable and familiar in favor of an uncertain—but exciting—new direction.

-Excerpt from Scaling People by Claire Johnson - Former COO of Stripe

There is a difference between the manager's schedule and the maker's schedule.

Managers get paid for judgment—the more valuable your decisions, the bigger the job and economic compensation (if that’s what you want).

Makers create—ideas, art, code, products, etc.

Information is a manager's tool. We get it in meetings, emails, and messages. This is why managers spend most of their time there. A tool of the maker is time—time to work on the problem they’re trying to solve.

Managers and makers operate on two different schedules. Managers prioritize meetings because they are effective decision-making mechanisms. Makers need long periods of uninterrupted deep work focused on one problem. That is the opposite of managers.

This is from Paul Graham's original 2009 essay titled Manager Vs. Maker,

When you’re operating on the maker’s schedule, meetings are a disaster. A single meeting can blow a whole afternoon, by breaking it into two pieces each too small to do anything hard in.

There are at least two issues.

• Managers impose their way of working on makers. This can destroy value. Since managers are usually “in charge,” they get their way.

• Managers don’t realize they are makers and only operate on a manager schedule.

“Busy” is a way to measure productivity. It’s not always accurate. Clearing your inbox or filling your schedule is a badge of honor. Taking four hours to sit on a bench with a notebook to think through a problem is not. Maybe it should be.

My business requires an incredible amount of analysis. We have brilliant humans who help us produce a view on business, sector, and economy. To do this, they need time to do deep work without interruptions. They need to make. The issue is that we don’t give them that time, and they can’t demand it.

This is an unlock for me for two reasons. First, as a manager, “My actions can destroy value when I don’t give makers time to make.”

Second,

"I need maker time.”

Whether it’s about work or life, sometimes the best thing you can do is grab a notebook and four hours of uninterrupted time. Time to think, find clarity, create, and work through important ideas. This time “making” helps me create new things and gives me energy. Maybe it might work for you, too.

Take care, Kelly

PS: Paul Graham started this discussion in 2009 with this essay. Farnham Street continued it with this essay. Both do a much better job of digging deeper into this than I do. If this idea interests you, I encourage you to read those articles.

PPS: If you know someone who might appreciate this, please grab the link and text it to them or forward this email.

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"I made up my mind long ago to follow one cardinal rule in all my writing — to be clear. I have given up all thought of writing poetically or symbolically or experimentally, or in any of the other modes that might (if I were good enough) get me a Pulitzer prize. I would write merely clearly and in this way establish a warm relationship between myself and my readers, and the professional critics — Well, they can do whatever they wish."

— Isaac Asimov

Inspired by this, I asked a friend what cardinal rule he would apply across all areas of his life. His immediate answer was, "Confidence, laughter, and curiosity." I watch him be intentional about those words all the time. His consistency is absolute. And admirable.

Asimov's message is clear: do what feels true to you, not what earns applause. He wants to connect with his readers. He cares about that, not about impressing the critics.

What if you picked a word or two to guide you in all the significant areas of your life? Areas such as your job, relationships, health, time, finances, education, and even where you live.

I often lean on these words from Marcus Aurelius,

"If, at some point in your life, you should come across anything better than justice, honesty, self-control, courage-than a mind satisfied that it has succeeded in enabling you to act rationally, and satisfied to accept what's beyond its control - if better than that, embrace it without reservations-it must be an extraordinary thing indeed-and enjoy it to the full."

If you pushed me to choose one word, it would be courage.

I think we overlook courage every day.

Courage is someone with anxiety who manages to go outside. Courage is the humble coworker who asks for help. It’s the friend who has the hard conversation with you, and no one else will. Courage is the alcoholic who looks around the room at their family and says, "I need help,” instead of storming out.

Courage means digging deep into your own biases and defensive walls. This is uncomfortable and not easy. It may mean challenging your self-image as a "good" person. Most of us are good. We all have a little bad that needs fixing at some point, too.

For me, courage is about recognizing your fears and moving through them. It's about seeking the truth and understanding reality.

A new friend shared this with me this week.

"What is your emotional wake?"

It takes courage to see what it is like to be on the other side of yourself. To see how your words, actions, or inactions send ripples. We should give ourselves credit for the good ripples and be honest about the bad ones.

The other night, I apologized to Princess Buttercup for all the times it was tough to be around me—sometimes, it still is. She has had to endure the leftovers, whether after a long day of trying to lead a company or after a deployment. I was short, or negative, or downright grumpy. Maybe all of the above and then some.

We shouldn’t work on being perfect, only better. It takes courage to shine the light on the worst parts of you and see the 'reality of you.' The question is, do you have the courage to be honest with yourself and take responsibility for those realities? I think we owe it to our communities to do this work on ourselves. If we can do that, we all get better.

I haven’t solved any of this, but I’m working on it.

Take care, Kelly

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"In complete solitude, I stop objectifying myself. In the bush, I don’t think of myself on some social hierarchy. I don’t define my value as a comparison with others. The birds and animals don’t judge me. It’s a kind of healing in which I become human again. In complete solitude, we are not a concept of ourselves; we are ourselves."

(Boyd Varty, The Lion Tracker's Guide to Life)

Hi friend,

What would life be like if you weren’t afraid of people’s opinions? What if you didn’t care if anyone liked you?

As far back as I can remember, I’ve cared what people think about me. I know I’m not alone, and I’m sure Freud would link it to something in my childhood. The alcoholism that seemed to be everywhere I looked? My weight as a kid? The run-down rental trailer we lived in? Whatever the reason, I care. There is good news.

My friends, therapy, and 46 laps around the sun have made this less of an issue. My ego gets smaller. I ask more questions and make fewer statements.

Starting this year, as part of my work self-review, I wrote this as a guide to where I wanted to grow the most.

“Despite my confidence level, I still worry about what people think of me (not much, but it's there 🙃). I worry that people will judge me. I have lots of stories that I tell myself. Most of them are old. Some are true, most not. Moving past what the world wants me to be in my career and life may unlock the real me and help me find my potential. Give less, you know whats 🥷. Be honest with yourself. Do what's right. Let it all play out 😈.”

Do I want people to like me? Of course. Do I want people to think I’m competent? Yes. Am I hopeful that my actions help people find their potential? Yes. Do I need those words of affirmation anymore? No.

A friend shared a filter that is helpful for me on this journey. When you are making a decision, ask yourself:

"How would your decision change if you didn’t care what people thought about you? And you weren’t worried if they like you?”

When would you say no? Who and what would no longer be a part of your life? What would you do for a living? How does your ego influence your decisions?

It's worth the internal dialogue in your decision-making process. Even if you can't get to the point where you make decisions as if you don't care what people think, try to move a little closer to being fearless. I'm not there yet, but my gut says the right life, and people will be waiting.

Take care, Kelly

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Don’t waste the rest of your time here worrying about other people—unless it affects the common good. It will keep you from doing anything useful. You’ll be too preoccupied with what so-and-so is doing, and why, and what they’re saying, and what they’re thinking, and what they’re up to, and all the other things that throw you off and keep you from focusing on your own mind.

Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius wrote that to himself more than 2,000 years ago. He goes on a few lines later:

“You need to get used to winnowing your thoughts so that if someone says, “What are you thinking about?” you can respond at once (and truthfully) that you are thinking this or thinking that. And it would be obvious at once from your answer that your thoughts were straightforward and considerate ones—the thoughts of an unselfish person, one unconcerned with pleasure and with sensual indulgence generally, with squabbling, with slander and envy, or anything else you’d be ashamed to be caught thinking.”

What if there was a screen on your forehead, and everyone could read your thoughts? Would you feel ashamed? Are they helpful or hurtful?

We all think things we shouldn’t: judgment, prejudice, envy, and desire, to name a few. It takes effort and courage to be honest with yourself and recognize these thoughts. I’m not at a place where I can stop them from showing up, but I can decide how they stay.

Take care, Kelly

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"The more urgently you want to speak, the more likely it is that you will say something foolish."

-Leo Tolstoy and Peter Sekirin, A Calendar of Wisdom

We’re a few months away from one of the boys leaving the house. He’ll go away to school, and he won’t come back. At least not the way it’s been for the last 18 years.

He has all of the choices in the world to make - A whole life ahead that likely won’t be what he thinks. I hope the pressures from his parents, friends, and society don’t prevent him from exploring and finding his truth. I hope he finds his problem-solving partner along the way and finds the problems he loves solving that mean something to him. There is little I want more in the world than for him to do both while being honest with himself.

As he gets older, so do I. I’m excited about getting older. Each year, my ego matters less, my fear of other people’s opinions goes down, and I get more comfortable with who I am. Midlife, I welcome you with open arms.

There is still a long way to go, but I’m getting clearer on what is essential and what isn’t. I lie a little less to myself about priorities and my behavior. I set more boundaries, say no more often, and react less.

Hopefully, there are another four decades or so to go for me. Another forty years of getting better at being me. A better friend, husband, and most importantly, a better father.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have regrets as a parent. Almost all of them revolve around my patience. The moments of frustration, intolerance, judgment, ego, and sometimes anger. These are all emotions I’m sure almost every other parent who has ever lived has felt, but that is no excuse.

There were moments when I should have paused, breathed, looked at him, and tried to get inside him before responding. I could have worked harder to see things from his point of view instead of mine. I know at those moments, I wasn’t what he needed.

I’ll try not to think about what I could’ve done differently. There is nothing I can do about that now. On balance, I think we did a pretty good job. But thank goodness for Princess Buttercup. She’s laid down some parenting wisdom over the years and keeps improving. Sometimes, I think she can see the future as she leans over and whispers, “Just wait.”

I hope he’ll say that I helped more than I hurt, but those missed opportunities were chances to connect more deeply and support him on his journey. I can’t do anything about those now, but there will be more. I came across this idea, which I’ll use when that happens.

“Instead of trying to be your best, ask yourself how to avoid being your worst.”

If I can do that, I won’t miss any more opportunities to be the father he needs as he turns the chapters in his life: patient, accepting, loving, humble, honest, and present.

Take care, Kelly

Here is a post from the same week last year.

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“If you keep experiencing the same things, your mind keeps its same patterns. Same inputs, same responses. Your brain, which was once curious and growing, gets fixed into deep habits. Your values and opinions harden and resist change.

You really learn only when you’re surprised. If you’re not surprised, then everything fits into your existing thought patterns. So, to get smarter, you need to get surprised, think in new ways, and deeply understand different perspectives.”

-Derek Sivers

Derek Sivers built CDBaby in the late 90s. This was a marketplace for independent artists in a time when the only way they could sell their music was at a concert or through a distributor. Sivers would eventually sell CDBaby for $22M and give it all to charity. From time to time, he writes relatively short books. Anything You Want was 87 pages. He typically eliminates all the mainstream fluff that books published through larger houses must have (i.e., over 250 pages, etc.). I’ve compiled eight of my favorite takeaways from Anything You Want. Let’s get into it.

1. Pay Attention To Your Energy

Pay close attention to what excites you and what drains you. Pay close attention to when your being the real you and when you’re trying to impress an invisible jury.

People have said to find your passion, and you won’t work another day. I disagree. Find what you love, and you will never work harder. But you’ll be energized. Whatever you do, just be aware when making decisions for the invisible jury in your head.

1. Hell Yeah or No

Use this rule if you’re often over-committed or too scattered. If you’re not saying “hell yeah!” about something, say no.

We all get there—the stress, the full calendar, and feeling overwhelmed. When this happens, apply the “Hell Yeah!” rule. Go through what’s scheduled, and if you are not a hell yeah, then don’t do it. It doesn’t mean you can say no to everything until someone offers you a trip to a tropical island. It means that what you say yes to must be an excellent use of time.

By the way, I use this rule for hiring too.

1. You Aren’t Giving Your Opinion, You’re Giving A Command

The boss’s opinion is not necessarily better than anyone else’s. But once you become the boss, your opinion is dangerous because it’s not just one person’s opinion anymore - it’s a command! So adding your two cents can really hurt.

Consider if your feedback is more valuable than the confidence they will get when you say, “You nailed it.”

1. Sweet People = Happy Customers

Hire the sweetest, most empathetic people, and make sure they have all the time and resources they need to make your customers very happy. If they get so busy that their interactions are getting succinct, it’s time to hire another. It’s worth it.

It seems not fashionable to be “sweet” in today’s world. We need sweetness. We need Gramma's homemade cookies. Find the people with deep empathy and care. Will you get burned sometimes? Yes. The fans you create will more than compensate. Let them answer the phone, and don’t measure their productivity in metrics like “minutes per contact” or others that limit the ability to make a connection. Focusing only on speed and efficiency as it relates to your customers will eventually kill your business.

1. Scarcity = Bad Service

All bad service comes from a mindset of scarcity.

People say no because they are protecting something—often status or resources. When you fear losing, you retreat to your fortress and horde your supplies. When our teams are focused on conserving and protecting, the result is often bad service. Does that $40 refund matter? Loud people are loud - whether they are complaining or complimenting. Sivers says, “Give refunds. Give them attention. Take a little loss. You can afford it.”

1. Get To Know Them

Take a few minutes to get to know anyone who contacts you.

When a new artist contacted CDBaby, they said, “Tell me about your music. Do you have a website?” Then, they would listen and understand a bit more about the artist while they were on the phone. They did it from a place of genuine curiosity. Only then would they say, “How can I help you?”

1. Clarity Matters To Everyone

You should feel the pain when you are unclear.

Sivers shares the story of sending a regular marketing email, but it wasn’t clear. He had to answer 5,000 responses looking for clarity. As leaders, clarity is everything. The most painful lesson I’ve learned is that not everyone has access to the information I have. As a leader, you are exposed to things the rest of the team may not see. You may see it daily and believe “everyone understands” or “everyone knows,” but that’s not true. If you do this, you deserve the pain.

1. What matters?

It’s about being, not having.

Erich Fromm said, "To have or to be? That is the question. The difference between having and being is the difference between a society that is geared to have more and a society that is geared to be more."

We must consider this as we build our lives. Are you working on having more or being more?

One will maximize what’s in your life.

The other will maximize who’s in your life.

One will leave you with more toys.

The other leaves the world better.

Take care,

Kelly

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"The intensity of our striving for power is inversely proportional to the degree to which we can be educated."

-Alfred Adler, Understanding Human Nature

Organizational charts are typically represented as pyramids, and for good reason. There is one person who is ultimately responsible, and clarity of decision-making and authority is essential. That said,

Organizational charts should be inverted pyramids.

Leaders are on the bottom, and their job is to support their humans ‘above them.’ Leaders must provide clarity, alignment, resources, and emotional connection. That holds whether you are on the battlefield or in the boardroom. I believe this to my core. There is a problem, though—it’s not right.

The idea of organizational charts, whether upside down or not, is to categorize our relationships as vertical. Someone sits above someone else in the hierarchy of opinion, power, and priority. When we allow ourselves to view the relationship vertically (i.e., we are above or below someone or better or worse than someone), the relationship will not reach its ideal state—one based on respect and genuine openness.

I’ve been a father for two decades and still feel like I’m stumbling around in the dark. The kids take turns going to the dark side of the moon, but they come back. I’ve found that the relationship is strongest when I position myself horizontally to them. They can feel the difference, and so can I. I messed this up just last night. Fortunately, Princess Buttercup was there to call me out.

Perspective Matters

As we walk up the mountain together, if I stand on the rock above them, there is no way to communicate with them other than talking down. When looking down, it’s easy to judge. I’m here, you’re there, this is what I see, and why I’m right. Seeing things from their perspective is impossible if I’m not next to them.

My ‘status’ as a father (or leader) does not give me the right to view myself above them. My title, experience, seniority, or wrinkles don’t make me better than anyone. With permission, my status as a teammate (and human) allows me to teach, counsel, help, learn, and sometimes protect. The best place to do that is standing next to them.

Take care,

Kelly

About the photo: Janer, on the left, has been feeding these birds for thirty years. Anthony, center just a year.

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You succeed by finding ways to capitalize on who you are, not by trying to fix who you aren’t.

-Marcus Buckingham

Thomas Jefferson was not a good public speaker, but he knew it. He spent little time trying to compete with the great public speakers of his time. Instead, he wrote —and write he did. We can thank him for the Declaration of Independence.

Don’t waste your time trying to ‘fix’ your weaknesses. Mitigate them and find ways to compensate, but don’t spend time there. Spend your time on what is natural. Natural doesn’t mean it’s easy or fun. You will know the difference and feel it in your bones. The pull draws you in. The pain of better will be good pain. The joy of your progress will soothe.

You have one or two things where you have the potential to be the best in the world. Really. Focus your effort there.

There is nothing easy about this

Take care,

Kelly

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"If we allow more people to solve problems without permission, and if we tolerate (and don’t vilify) their mistakes, then we enable a much larger set of problems to be addressed." - Ed Catmull

Recently, a friend said: “At a certain point, you can’t muscle it anymore.” It was one of those comments that made me stop midstride and say, “Why didn’t I think of that.” I love it when that happens, and it made me consider my own leadership and how many times I’ve ‘muscled’ it. The famous quote from Archimedes seems appropriate here,

“Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum to place it, and I shall move the world.”

As organizations grow, they become more complex. As leaders, we have a responsibility to keep evolving to bear the weight of these increasing complexities. However, we can't always depend on our strength alone. Looking back, it's evident when I've needed leverage but instead muscled it. Those were times when I thought I needed to know everything that was happening, be part of each decision, be in every meeting, and try to reach in and inspire every soul personally. I needed help. I needed leverage. Those teams were amazing, and I wonder how much better they could have been if I’d seen where I was getting in the way.

Six Thoughts On Leverage

1. Growth Provides Leverage

Start by developing the team's skills before expanding the team size. More humans might be needed, but make it a last resort. Naval Ravikant said, ”One form of leverage is labor—other humans working for you. It is the oldest form of leverage and actually not a great one in the modern world. I would argue this is the worst form of leverage that you could possibly use. Managing other people is incredibly messy. It requires tremendous leadership skills. You’re one short hop from a mutiny or getting eaten or torn apart by the mob.”Conversely, Andy Grove said, “Training is, quite simply, one of the highest-leverage activities a manager can perform.“

2. Delegate and Elevate

Be willing to let go and accept that others may approach the work differently (hopefully). Mistakes will happen. We bear a responsibility to the organization and give our humans opportunities to learn.

3. Seek Complements, Not Compliments

Find team members who are good dance partners for you. It’s painful to recognize what you don’t know or aren’t good at. Sending your team over the edge in a fireball because of your ego is more painful. We get paid for our judgment. How can you improve your judgment through people who complement you?

4. Authority to Act

Put this as close to the issue or opportunity as possible. If you feel uneasy about your control, it's a sign you are doing it right.

5. Commanders Intent (Clarity):

In the military, the commander clearly communicates their expectations, often in writing. There is absolute clarity on the objective, how much authority you have, where you are expected to be decisive, and where they want to be involved.

6. You Are Leverage

When asked for career advice, one of my responses is, "Make your boss's life easier." Said differently, provide leverage. The more leverage you provide, the more valuable you become. Our compensation, at least the economic part, is based on the value we create.

How much of the work you do every day could be done by someone or something else? What are you holding onto, and why? Where are you, just maybe, getting in the way?

These are some things to consider as you head into your week. Like you, I’m working on all of this too.

I hope you’re good, and if you found this helpful, share it with a friend. If you have thoughts on leverage, please share them with this community in the comments.

Take care,

Kelly

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In the West, we often think of art as a blank canvas, something we add to create the final piece. In the East, artists frequently start with a piece of jade and remove parts until the art is revealed.

We each have a self-image formed through our experiences. We often cling to this image, which influences various aspects of our lives—how we dress, behaviors, language, beliefs, friendships, and self-perception.

I've spent my lifetime constructing “me.” Much of this was to protect myself, compensate for perceived inadequacies, and pursue necessary things or ideas. Sometimes, I've stripped away the protective layers, letting “me” come through.

I’ve been thinking, "What misconceptions about myself do I cling to so tightly that they get in my way?" "What needs to be removed?" Or, put simply,

"What about me is keeping me from being me?"

Considerations:

• What is your real fear? This is a question I’m working through. I think I'm getting closer to the answer.

• Are there parts of your old self that are hindering your evolution? I know I’m holding onto parts that need to be let go.

• How would things change if you were unafraid of judgment or failure? Like all of us, I do things to protect myself from both. Fear of Other People’s Opinions (FOPO) is real. Protecting resources and status is real.

• Do your actions align with your priorities? Get real here. Really real.

I'm trying to be deliberate about what I add to my life and even more so about what I remove. Like you, I'm a “work in potential.” I'll leave you with this thought from Anne Lamott:

"I’m here to be me, which is taking a great deal longer than I had hoped." —Anne Lamott

I hope you’re good and you found this helpful. If you did, please grab this link and send it to a friend.https://kellyvohs.substack.com/p/what-about-me-is-keeping-me-from

Take care, Kelly

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You’re not as good as you think. You don’t have it all figured out. Stay focused. Do better….This is the characteristic of how great people think. It’s not that they find failure in every success. They just hold themselves to a standard that exceeds what society might consider to be objective success. Because of that, they don’t care much about what other people think; they care whether they meet their own standards. And these standards are much, much higher than everyone else’s. - Ryan Holiday

Two competing emotions, confidence and insecurity, play significant roles in determining whether or not we reach our potential. Insecure individuals often seek external validation. With insecurity clouding their judgment, they interpret events and relationships differently, frequently perceiving threats where none exist.

In contrast, confident but humble people understand the value they bring to their team, the mission, and the world. They recognize that they could improve and view themselves as works in progress. Their humility helps them acknowledge that they don’t have all the answers and don't need to be perfect. They appreciate their mistakes and obstacles, using the pain they bring to learn and prevent future pain.

Cultivating Confident Humility:

• Be comfortable with who you are and who you are becoming. Stop fearing other people’s opinions (FOPO)

• Be a curious learner who values listening.

• Be open-minded and avoid letting success or talents blind you.

• Be self-aware and open to feedback.

• Be a space giver, not a space taker. Relinquish control and attention. Don’t feel threatened by the success of others or the mistakes that will inevitably happen.

• Be imperfect - embrace imperfection – both yours and the world’s.

• Be direct and assertive, not passive-aggressive.

• Be resilient. View setbacks as learning opportunities, not personal failures.

• Be grateful for the help and the luck that got you here. You know you’ll need more of it.

A confidently humble person combines strength with humility, kindness with assertiveness, and success without vanity. Be confident in your skills and value, know what you know and don't know, and never stop learning.

As leaders, our job isn't to 'fix' people but to help them reach their potential and improve the team. This might mean believing in people before they believe in themselves. Create an environment where they know you have their best interests at heart. Let them know where they stand and where they can go. They have to walk the path, but you can be there when they need a little help or believe in them.

I asked a smart person this week for one piece of advice. He said to ask yourself this question:

“What’s it like to be on the other side of me?”

If you found that helpful, grab this link and send it to a friend: https://kellyvohs.substack.com/p/cultivating-confident-humility

Onward, Kelly

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Highlights from Charlie Munger's Commencement Speech at The Harvard School in 1986.If you found that helpful, please copy this link and send it to a friend.https://kellyvohs.substack.com/p/how-to-guarantee-a-life-of-misery

Take care, Kelly

PS: What Alcohol Does to Your Body, Brain & Health - As mentioned, this. episode by Dr. Andrew Huberman may change how you view alcohol.

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If you found that helpful, please copy this link and send it to a friend. https://kellyvohs.substack.com/p/three-ideas-about-time

Take care, Kelly

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If you found that helpful, copy this link and send it to a friend who might find it helpful too.

https://kellyvohs.substack.com/p/taking-the-longview-on-people

Take care, Kelly

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We are just bags of water walking around in our own unrealities. - Epictetus

We tell ourselves stories. Some of them are true, but a lot of them are not true.

Stories about what we can do, and what we can’t do. And who we are, and who we aren’t. Most importantly, about who we can and cannot be.

Be careful with your stories. Many of them are unrealities.

When we’ve reached a conclusion we haven’t necessarily found the truth, we’ve just stopped exploring. - David Cain

We can’t stop exploring our reality or we might get get caught up in our unreality.

If you found this helpful, please share it with a friend.

Take care, Kelly

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"The professional prepares mentally to absorb blows and to deliver them. They aim to take what the day gives them. They are prepared to be prudent and prepared to be reckless, to take a beating when they have to, and to go for the throat when they can. They understand that the field alters every day. Their goal is not victory (success will come by itself when it wants to) but to handle themself, their insides, as sturdily and steadily as they can." (Steven Pressfield, The War of Art)

I have a fun game that I like to play with people that I want to know better. It goes like this: You get to invite any four people, living or dead, to a meal. Through some magic, you all speak the same language. We pick a location to set the stage. Maybe a waterside cottage, a first-class lounge of a Pam Am flight, a dacha in a former Soviet republic, or a campfire deep in the Andes. While I shift my dinner mates each time, one almost always makes my list.

My Pick

“I am the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on earth. Whether I shall ever be better, I cannot tell; I forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better.”

Twenty years later, the same man would say,

“Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.”

President Lincoln would hold together a fracturing country, abolish slavery, and become the most important leader of the 19th century. He was born into poverty, lost his mother at 9, and had almost no formal education. He would tame his demons and shape all of our lives.

Imagine the pressure leading through the Civil War. The fear, uncertainty, doubt, and criticism. The voices? The long nights lying awake thinking about his mistakes, questioning his competence, and worrying about the future. I’d have so many questions for him.

How did you stay rational while your desk was filled with problems with no solution? How did you have the courage to build a team of men who were your bitter rivals just months before? How did you get them to work together? What told you to bet on an alcoholic General? You sent men and women to their deaths knowingly - over and over again. How did you live with that? The future of a free country was your responsibility, and at times, it seemed hopeless. Yet, you succeeded. All the while, you were dancing with that most devious of devils, depression. Tell me, Mr. President, how did you manage your mind? How did you not quit?

I imagine he will repeat a line he’s used before,

“I was just an instrument. The army did the work.”

The Hardest Thing

I’ve been studying and stumbling through leadership for 25 years. It’s only been in the last three years that I’ve learned that my ability to manage my psychology is the most impactful thing to unlock my potential as a leader and a human.

Not everyone has a mental illness as serious as depression, but we all struggle with something. Your first task is to get and keep your head straight. This is particularly true for leadership. If we can’t do that, we won’t be able to do the other things well.

Things will go wrong - your best performer will quit, you won’t be able to make payroll, your kid will do really bad kid stuff, and a lawsuit will land on your desk - maybe all in the same day. Our choices are often between bad and worse. Our teams need our calm and clarity, not our stress-induced imagination.

What work must you do to show up psychologically ready for your humans? To lead with empathy, humility, and clarity - to be decisive when there is no good answer. Only you can answer this, no one else. You may need sleep, a therapist (I see one), or exercise.

If you want to live up to your potential, you have to do the inside work. This is the hardest work.

Where would we be if President Lincoln didn’t do the inside work?

Questions to ask yourself:

• What are your biggest fears? We are usually afraid of the loss of resources or status. It can keep us from taking risks or seeing the truth. Regrets and worry are a misuse of your imagination. It’s time travel. Don’t time travel.

• Are you worried about what people think? Stop worrying about what people think about you. They aren’t thinking about you. Don’t let actual embarrassment or potential embarrassment hold you back.

• Are you in shape? I mean mental shape. To find our optimal mental fitness, we must not lose sight of our physical fitness. This is not about marathons and pushups - this is about energy.

• Are you giving yourself space? When you’re triggered by stress, breathe. Breathing increases the amount of oxygen in your brain. It also provides you time to respond, not react.

It took President Lincoln a lifetime to become the leader we study. Your work will take your lifetime, too. Be intentional about your efforts to manage your mind. If you get that right, you will unlock abilities you can’t see today.

In the meantime, when it starts going wrong, don’t forget you’ve survived 100% of the bad things that have happened to you. Breathe. Stay calm. Stay strong. Focus on what you can control and do the next right thing.

We all have to actively work on the hardest thing - managing our minds.

Let’s not do it alone.

If this was helpful, hit like and share it with just one person who might find it helpful too.

-Kelly

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The idea that there are “well-rounded” people is a prescription for mediocrity, if not for incompetence. Strong people always have strong weaknesses, too. Where there are peaks, there are valleys. - Peter Drucker

Someone asked me about my "leadership focus" in '24, and here is where I've landed:

• Respond, Don't React: This has been at the top of my list for the past three years. A smart friend just last week described it like this: Our reaction is usually instinctual. Then we move to intuition but remain highly emotional. Responding is intellectual. It is as rational as we complicated humans get. While instinct and intuition matter, minimizing emotion in decision-making is essential. Also, we can’t forget everyone is watching - always. There’s a time and place for emotion.

• Seek Clarity: Listen and seek the truth. Listening is hard. Finding the truth is harder. The most effective leaders understand reality. Ensure everyone has clarity on what we must do and what’s most important.

• Find & Make Space: Find space to do the most impactful work and what only I can do. Managing time proactively is crucial. If you don’t, others will take it. I must also make space for others to do their best work and find their potential.Sometimes, leadership is about what you don’t do or say.

As leaders, our job is to maximize team performance. This means that I must perform as well. This is a team, not a family, and we must earn our place on this team every day. This is especially true for me. Your title doesn’t protect you. Your performance does.

Take care.

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“Why is everyone walking around underperforming relatively to their ability? Largely, it’s because people live their lives trying to avoid embarrassment." - Dr. Gio Valiante

I’ve been lucky to study under masters. One day, a master of his craft sat me down and told me he would fire me unless I changed my communication style. It was that simple. I wasn’t old enough to drink yet, but there I was. My career suddenly seemed over before it started. I’m incredibly grateful that he had the courage and love, to be honest with me. That day, I started studying and working to master the craft of communication, leadership, and team building. A journey I’m still on.

Dr. Gio Valiante is a sports psychologist and coaches some of the most successful people in the world, including hall-of-fame golfers, investors, and others. He had a conversation with Shane Parnish, and the lesson learned for me was about the difference between Ego Orientation and Mastery Orientation.

Ego Orientation Vs. Mastery Orientation

LESSON LEARNED: When you are focused on becoming a master of your craft, you focus on how you get better, not how people perceive you. When you are ego-focused, you are worried about external validation. Mastery orientation reacts to failure with curiosity. Ego orientation reacts with embarrassment.

Mastery Orientation:

A focus on mastering the craft, continuous improvement, and love of learning. With this orientation, you embrace the fact that you do not have all the answers but enjoy solving problems and aren’t afraid to look foolish. Failure is part of the process. The focus is in. It’s intrinsic. How are you improving? Your competition is yourself.

Ego Orientation:

You are seeking external validation, and failure is not acceptable. When failure happens, which it always does, it leads to embarrassment and potentially toxic emotions (such as anger). The focus is out. How do people perceive you? You are competing with everyone else.

Which orientation you pick will determine your success—both CAN work. There is a little of both in us, and it’s likely a ratio that changes over time.

From Valiante,

“Two individuals, everything else being equal, same education, same ability, same training, same everything. One of them goes at their craft or their domain or at their career from a place of “I love to learn, I love to problem solve, I go into depth with these things…I'm not engaged in image management.” The second individual goes in competing against other people, caring about what people think. Success is only defined by that which is palpable or tangible. They're playing for trophies.”

The difference between the two is the reaction to failure - the mastery orientation is curious, and the ego orientation is embarrassed. After the grief of losing a loved one or a child, humiliation is the most painful psychological response you can have. Like grief, you shut down, and your brain floods your body with chemicals like cortisol, and suddenly, you don’t see as clearly. You go into fear mode, and all you see is risks. Valiante,

All of a sudden, there is a distortion of reality. All of a sudden, all you see is a threat, and you stop taking risks. Now it becomes some version of avoiding the pain that comes from embarrassment…why is everyone walking around underperforming relatively to their ability? Largely, it’s because people live their lives trying to avoid embarrassment.

You don’t have to be mastery-oriented to win. Ego orientation can win, too, but it requires you to have and maintain confidence. If your confidence wavers, so will you. He cites the NBA player who shoots 85% of free throws in practice but in a packed arena, 50%. He cares what people think.

You will fail at some point when trying to get to the “tail end of the curve,” as Valiante calls it. When that happens, how will you react? Will you respond with curiosity or with embarrassment? Only one will make you better.

When we seek external success, we are competing with others. When we seek internal success, we are competing with ourselves.

Keys To Mastery

Humility & Conviction

The highest performers are not always humble, but they do have humility. They have absolute conviction in what they are doing AND the recognition that they don’t know all the answers (think Thomas Edison). They are relentless on improvement or finding a better way (think Steve Jobs).

Responsibility

With mastery, we take responsibility for our actions. With ego, we look for fault outside of ourselves as we work to protect our position, reputation, and view of ourselves. Blaming helps you feel better. Taking responsibility enables you to get better.

Your Team

Valiante closes with a warning,

“Pick three or four people that you’re going to actually listen to, who you know love you and care about you, and who are accurate observers and who will tell you the truth.”

You can practice all of this. Curiosity, humility, love of craft, etc, but you must also surround yourself with people who do NOT judge, criticize, or otherwise feed your self-doubt. You need people who genuinely want to help you on your mastery journey. You need accomplices, not critics. Accomplices are next to you. Critics are across from you.

Take Aways:

• Ego Orientation: This is image management and external perception. Externally focused. You care about what people think.

• Mastery Orientation: Love of learning and a focus on mastering the craft. Internally focused. You care about getting better.

• Avoiding embarrassment is a significant reason behind underperformance.

• Humility is crucial. The best individuals in the world readily acknowledge that they don't know everything, creating space for learning and growth.

• Taking responsibility will help you get better, and blaming will help you feel better.

I’ll leave you with this from a favorite book of mine, The Courage To Be Disliked.

"When one seeks recognition from others and concerns oneself only with how one is judged by others, in the end, one is living other people’s lives."

If you found this helpful, please hit like and share it with someone who will like it, too. If you want my full highlights from his conversation, please drop a comment or email me.

Take care.

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Jeff Bezos, talking about hiring:

"Will you admire this person? If you think about the people you’ve admired in your life, they are probably people you’ve been able to learn from or take an example from. For myself, I’ve always tried hard to work only with people I admire, and I encourage folks here to be just as demanding. Life is definitely too short to do otherwise."

Lex Fridman shared his conversation with Jeff Bezos in episode #405, which yielded several lessons and reminders for me. Here we go:

Invention & Efficiency Are At Odds

Incremental improvement is linear and critical in everything we do. You have to work hard to make things a little bit better.

Invention is different. Invention happens when you don’t know where you are going. Invention and efficiency are at odds. You must give yourself space, time, and resources to wander if you want to invent.

Killing Ideas Is Easy

New ideas are not fully formed ideas. Once they pass the first level of scrutiny and you are ready to show them to someone else, it’s important to remind people,

“It will be easy for you to find objections to this idea, but work with me - there’s something here.”

It’s easy to kill ideas. It’s hard to do the work till it works.

Brilliance Is In The Cost-Reduction Phase

The new idea is essential. Going from a new concept to something usable generally comes in the cost reduction phase. Henry Ford didn’t invent the car. He invented how to reduce the cost. This is happening with Space X and Blue Origin. They aren’t inventing going to space. They are lowering the cost.

“Cost reduction means inventing a better way.”

One-Way Vs. Two-Way Door

It's still one of my favorites. Here he said:

“A two-way door decision, you pick a door, walk out, and spend a little time there. It turns out to be the wrong decision, you can come back in and pick another door. Some decisions are so consequential and so important and so hard to reverse that they really are one-way-door decisions. You go in that door, you're not coming back.”

The senior team makes one-way door decisions. Two-way door decisions should be made by an individual or a very small team as close to the problem as possible. If you use a heavy-weight decision process on all decisions, you will be slower than needed and use resources better allocated elsewhere.

Two-way door decisions are where you should test and fail fast. One-way door decisions should be slower and more intentional.

Compromise Is Bad

He goes on,

“You have two executives who disagree, and they have a war of attrition, and whichever one gets exhausted first capitulates to the other one. Again, you haven’t arrived at the truth.”

Exhausting the other person is not truth-seeking, and compromise is not truth-seeking. This is where you escalate the decision and ultimately ‘disagree and commit.’ This is not compromise and commitment. This is disagree and commit. By compromising, you are regressing to group thinking and likely an average decision. This will produce average results.

Your organization will only move as fast as you can responsibly make decisions. Sometimes, you won’t know the truth, but take the best information possible and commit.

Humans Are Not Truth-Seeking Animals

Truths don’t want to be heard because they are uncomfortable, difficult to hear, awkward, exhausting, challenge norms, hurt egos, and threaten positions. You have to talk openly about how hard it is to find and tell the truth. It takes energy to get the truth and remind people it’s okay to be uncomfortable.

“Humans are not truth-seeking animals. We are social animals. Go back 10,000 years, and you are in a small village, and you go along to get along. You survive. You procreate. If you were the village truth-teller, you might get clubbed to death in the middle of the night.”

You have to set up your culture so that the truth comes to the surface, and the “most junior person can overrule the most senior person if they have the data.” Data will not always have the answer or at least won’t always be where we see the first truths. This is especially true if you are tracking the wrong metrics.

“A lot of our most powerful truths turn out to be hunches. They turn out to be based on anecdotes. They’re intuition-based…I have a saying which is when the data and the anecdotes disagree, the anecdotes are usually right.”

A Proxy For Truth Can Be Dangerous

At some point, you began managing the success of your organization through a metric. That metric was what you used to determine success on what was most important to you, like customer happiness. That metric is not customer happiness. It’s a proxy for customer happiness.

The person who created the metric understood the connection between the metric and the result you wanted. Ten years later, they are gone, and the organization forgets the truth behind why you were watching that metric. The world shifts, or the metric is missing something. Now you’re measuring the wrong thing and don’t have the truth.

Ultimately, you don’t care about the metric. You care about customer happiness. The metric only matters so much as it affects your understanding of customer happiness. You must honor the past and know how you got here, but question everything.

“You never wanna get trapped by history. It doesn't mean you discard history or ignore it. There's so much value in what has worked in the past. But you can't be blindly following what you've done.”

Bezos reminds us about the idea of Day One thinking. You have to approach each day as a fresh start and approach the opportunities and problems with that day’s perspective. Don’t get trapped.

I’ll leave you with this from Bezos,

“You aren’t trapped by what you were or who you are.“

If you found this helpful, could you hit like and share it with someone who will like it, too? If you want my full highlights from his conversation, please drop a comment or email me.

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Here are a few of the most important lessons I learned this year. But first, something from someone we lost this year:

I think it’s a huge mistake not to absorb elementary, worldly wisdom if you’re capable of doing it because it makes you better able to serve others, it makes you better able to serve yourself, and it makes life more fun… —Charlie Munger

My 10 Lessons Learned From 2023

• Be UnproductiveFocus on what 80-year-old you will care about.Don’t worry about doing it all, you can’t. Do more frivolous activities. You don’t always have to be productive.

• Good Things Take A Long TimeWe overestimate what we can do in a year and underestimate what we can do in ten years. Love helps you be consistent and keep going when it gets hard - at work and home.The life you want in ten years starts today.

• Be A Medieval StonemasonThey were masters of their craft.Show up, lay the next right brick. You may never get credit, but the community will be better. Do the next right thing again and again.

• Don’t CompeteYour competition is yourself. Stop worrying about what everyone else has or does. People don’t think about you as much as you think.

• Clean Your LensWhen you have the urge to complain, pause and reflect. There’s likely more good in your life than you realize. Complaining rarely makes it better, usually worse.

• Normalize NoTime is a non-renewable resource. If you deprive yourself of time, you will suffer. It's okay to say no and prioritize yourself.

• Fear Usually Points Where To GoFear of losing resources or status holds you back. Most of what you fear is not real.

• Looking Foolish Is A SuperpowerEveryone looks foolish on day one. Choose progress over protecting ego.

• Focus On You, Not IMost people focus on themselves, not on others. By shifting your focus outward, you will notice things others don't. This will give you an advantage over almost everyone else. It also allows you to give people what we all want - to be seen and heard.

• Pay Attention To OverlapsPeople come and go. Enjoy them, learn from them, help them, and love them - today. One day, they will be gone.

Bonus

RucksackWe're all carrying a rucksack filled with us. It's filled with our histories, stories, strengths, and struggles. The things that help us make a path. Sometimes, those things are helpful.Sometimes, they hurt us.Put your rucksack down occasionally and decide to take out or add.What's true? What's helpful? What do we need more of? We must never forget that we're also not walking down the path alone.We walk this path with our humans. You can cross-load into their rucksacks. Together, we carry what we need to make our path - together. We're not alone.

I’ll leave you with this from Anna Quindlen’s 1999 Mount Holyoke Commencement Speech,

“Set aside what your friends expect, what your parents demand, what your acquaintances require. Set aside the messages this culture sends, through its advertising, its entertainment, its disdain and its disapproval, about how you should behave. Set aside the old traditional notion of female as nurturer and male as leader; set aside, too, the new traditional notions of female as superwoman and male as oppressor. Begin with that most terrifying of all things, a clean slate. Then look, every day, at the choices you are making, and when you ask yourself why you are making them, find this answer: for me, for me. Because they are who and what I am, and mean to be.”

2024 - it's a clean slate. Remember, you're not walking down that path alone. We're all together. I hope this year brings you joy, peace, and progress. Most importantly, I hope it's filled with love. Love for yourself—love for everyone around you.

Hug your humans. Take care out there. Bye.

Take care,

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I am sure that neither numbers nor strength brings victory in war, but whichever army goes into battle stronger in soul, their enemies generally cannot withstand them. —Xenophon

Wilma Rudolph was born in Saint Bethlehem, Tennessee, on June 23, 1940. At the age of four, she contracted polio, a debilitating disease that left her with a paralyzed left leg. Doctors initially believed she might never walk again.

Despite this prognosis, Rudolph's mother, Blanche Rudolph, refused to quit and played a significant role in her daughter's therapy and rehabilitation. As a black family in the South in the 1940s, they didn’t have access to the healthcare they needed, and Blanche conducted much of the therapy and exercises at home.

Eventually, Wilma would walk with the help of a leg brace and began to participate in track and field, where she excelled. Even more unbelievable was that Wilma would go on to run in the Olympics twice, in 1956 and 1960. In the 1960 Rome Olympics, she won three gold medals in the 100-meter, 200-meter, and 4x100 relay—all world records.

Wilma was an icon and inspiration for her generation at a crucial time. Blanche Rudolf was the real hero. Wilma was one of 22 siblings, and Blanche never gave up on number 20.

Talent plays a role in achievement. Choosing progress over excuses is even more powerful. Combine those with love and someone who will do whatever it takes to help you win means you will likely win. And while you and I might have the talent to be Wilma, we do have the talent to be Blanche. That’s a choice.

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“You never really understand a person until you consider things from their point of view...until you climb into their skin and walk around in it.” - Atticus Finch

Hi friend,

Most people don’t spend as much time thinking about you as you think. They’re too busy worrying about themselves. Sometimes it’s selfish, usually it’s just survival.

You and I are no exception, and it often holds us back. We can differentiate ourselves by focusing out instead of in - while others are busy protecting themselves, we can be busy making progress.

By shifting your perspective from “I” to “You,” you will see what others don’t, giving you an advantage in learning, forming relationships, and gaining wisdom.

Let’s not forget everyone wants to be heard and understood. If we give them that chance, we all get better.

Take care,

Keep Going

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"Even bad fortune is fickle. Perhaps it will come, perhaps not; in the meantime, it is not. So, look forward to better things." (Seneca)

Hi friend,

Here are a couple of thoughts from me:

• Good or bad, most things are not permanent. Enjoy the good. Don’t overreact to the bad.

• We can spend our energy complaining or changing. Only one can make things better tomorrow.

• Lead with trust. You have to give it to get it. Most people won’t let you down.

I’ll leave you with this from Marcus Aurelius,

"No matter what anyone says or does, my task is to be good."

Take care,

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"Dying is easy. Living is the trick." (Red Smith)

Hi friend,

Have you ever wondered who drinks the most coffee? This coffee party started in Ethiopia, and now you can find it growing in 70 countries and drank almost everywhere. Brazil produces the most coffee, and Finland drinks the most coffee at four cups daily. Our Scandinavian friends consume about 25 pounds of coffee per capita compared to the US at about 9 pounds.

There are many species of coffee, Arabica and Robusta being the two most prominent. Arabica is known for its smoother, sweeter flavor with hints of fruits and berries. In contrast, Robusta is characterized by its strong, bitter taste with a grainy or nutty aftertaste and about double the caffeine of Arabica. Generally speaking, that Starbucks you’re sipping is Arabica, and that instant coffee you keep in your go bag in case of emergencies is Robusta. I like to think I’m not the only one who does that. Right?

A decade ago, I found myself in a country that doesn’t drink much coffee. Like other parts of Central Asia, they prefer vodka and sometimes tea, with water being a close third. On this hot afternoon, I was under the tutelage of a man we will call Wayne. We were part of a close (ish) group of Americans in this small country. After a relatively brief discussion about the joys of coffee, Wayne offered to teach me how to roast coffee beans myself. Why?

Because if you want freshly roasted beans as an expat in a third-world country that prioritizes beverages made from potatoes, you learn to do it yourself. A few days later, I sat on the edge of his porch. A handful of green coffee beans rolled around in my hand. My feet were in the grass as I waited for a cast iron pan to warm up. Wayne was behind me, kindly giving me a few hours of his time. Wayne had a great big smile and radiated kindness.

Last week, I found out he passed away.

I would think of Wayne a few times a year. The sight of coffee beans always sparked it. Sometimes, I'm in line for Princess Buttercup at Starbucks or grinding fresh beans with my adventure partner to start the day. I clicked on the link to his eulogy, and there was that smile. Just then, a friend shared,

“My father believed everyone should write their eulogy.”

Sitting at my dining room table, I let out an audible “Huh.” What a marvelous idea. Thank you, universe.

This is from Steve Jobs’s commencement speech at Stanford,

“My third story is about death. When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like, If you live each day as if it was your last, Someday you'll most certainly be right.

It made an impression on me. And since then, for the past 33 years, I've looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself, If today were the last day of my life, Would I want to do what I am about to do today? And whenever the answer has been no for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything, all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure, these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.“

Death is life’s greatest invention.

We can ignore death, but it won’t ignore us. There is no escaping, no stopping, and only a marginal ability to slow it down. It is only by wrestling with reality and our eventual death that we can be present. By cherishing our mortality, we truly live.

After reading Wayne’s eulogy, I wondered what my eulogy would say. What wouldn’t it say? Who would survive me? Who would go before me? What virtues would be called out? What would the story behind my story be? What would they say about my vocation? Would my family be proud of me?

What would I want to tell the kids? What haven’t they experienced yet that they may want the perspective of their Pah? What words might hug Princess Buttercup and help her celebrate our adventures, memories, and love?

(and yes, I’m crying as I write this)

A Challenge:

In about a month, we will make promises that we mostly won’t keep. Instead of New Year’s resolutions, let’s write our eulogies. Let’s put it on paper. Carve out time with some Arabica or Robusta to celebrate your life. Think about the people who left you, those who are still here, and consider how you want to spend the time you have left.

Death takes our friends and our future. It will come sooner than most of us want. Only a lucky few will say the things that need saying or have the time to consider the life they have lived. Few will realize the changes that must be made before it’s too late. Even fewer will make them.

More tears found me when I first read these last words from Carolyn in the book The Noonday Demon. She said them to her husband and two grown children moments before she died. She was 53.

“I want you to feel that my love is always there, that it will go on wrapping you up even after I am gone. My greatest hope is that the love I’ve given you will stay with you for your whole life. I’m sad today. I’m sad to be going. But even with this death, I wouldn’t want to change my life for any other life in the world. I have loved completely, and I have been completely loved, and I’ve had such a good time.”

As we head into the holidays, hug your humans. We can’t change what we’ve done but can change what we will do.

I hope you found this helpful. If you did, please hit like and share it with someone who will find it helpful, too. We’re in this together.

Take care,

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"To me, the real winners are the ones who step out of the game entirely, who don’t even play the game, who rise above it. Those are the people who have such internal mental and self-control and self-awareness, they need nothing from anybody else." (Naval Ravikant)

Rare for apple trees, it stands by itself. With two branches jutting at a 45-degree angle, it’s not pretty. I often wonder if the more handsome trees down the hill made it leave one day. However it got here, it’s my marker. It’s exactly a half mile from my garage door. When I’m out of shape, I force myself to make it there before walking. When I’m in shape, it gives me a little nod of encouragement as I head down the other side of the hill.

Don’t get confused. I’m not a runner, but I run. It comes in waves—months and months of hitting each morning and then months and months of nothing. Princess Buttercup will sign me up for a race and then years before the next one. After long periods of no running, reaching that apple tree is hard. I barely get there.

I find this frustrating because humans are the most prolific runners on the planet. It’s a combination of our cooling system (we sweat instead of panting) and how we run (upright, instead of on all fours…it’s more efficient). All this means that if you find yourself chasing an antelope on the plains of Africa, it will fall over and die before you will.

Still, I don’t much care for running. I don’t like the pain, the sucking wind, the two hours it takes me to cool down on a hot day, or the numbness in my fingertips on a cold day. I don’t like the tweak in my knee, and my ego hates getting passed by some kid/old lady/old man/anyone.

I do like what happens after running. The endorphins, the marginal reduction in my muffin top, and the taco rationalization (that’s when I rationalize that my run allows me to eat as many tacos as I want). I’m particularly fond of the fact that no matter what happens for the rest of the day, no matter what life smacks me with or what I don’t get done, I got my lazy, you know what, out of bed and got something done.

Start stopping. Then worrying about starting.

Maybe running isn’t your jam. Maybe your knee is tweaked, or your back is fused. There is probably something you want to do or need to do that you don’t do. There's a lot of pressure to start something new: a new diet, workout, probiotics, green juice, meditation, reading, blah, blah, blah. There's no room for me to add anything new to my life. The garden is full. But there's something I can do: stop.

My garden needs weeding. Bad habits tend to choke the life out of what’s important. Pre-bed doom scroll and 3 PM coffee - I’m dropping those. I know both will help me sleep better and increase the chance I make it to my apple tree tomorrow, which will help me get more of what I need. Tacos.

Habits matter. Happy stopping, folks.

Take care,

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“Because here's another sneaky little truth about life. You can't be an important and life-changing presence for some people without also being a joke and an embarrassment to others. You just can’t.”-Mark Manson

Watch, Listen, or Read :)

Hey friends,

My time in the army taught me a lot. How to carry a rucksack is at the top of that list. Big bag, pack it full of bullets, beans, bandaids and walk. We cross-loaded our kit to have what we needed if someone went down, got lost, or got blown up. Lots of weight. One foot in front of another. Keep going, don’t quit. The mission is what matters.

One night, I found myself on a hilltop with some friends. Our mission was to mark a drop zone so an aircraft could push out much-needed supplies. The woods were thick. Impassable. In frustration, the medic on our team took off his rucksack and started throwing it into the woods. Not a good idea for noise discipline, but he did it anyway. Eventually, this rucksack-flinging bear of a man broke enough trail to allow us to mark the DZ. The aircraft pushed its load, and we moved on.

My rucksack is more metaphorical now. I still pack it full of stuff and try not to quit. One foot in front of another. It’s filled with responsibilities, stories, and dreams. I’m lucky to walk with friends who will take things from me when I need help. On my best days, I know when to ask for help carrying my load. When I’m at my very best, I know when to put the rucksack down and take out all the BS I don’t need to carry anymore.

What’s in your rucksack matters. Consider what you keep, cultivate, add, and throw out.

Take care,

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"The deliberate envisioning of loss supplies the perspective necessary to appreciate the gifts in your life because you can only truly understand how something is serving you once you know both its presence and its absence." -David Cain

Do you get sick often? Once a year? Four times a year? Every couple of years? I don’t know about you, but I hate being sick. Sore throat, headache, whatever. The demands of my life, most of them at my own doing, don’t leave much room for me to curl up and wait it out. I suspect your life is the same way. The work won’t get done, the kids won’t get fed, and the support your humans need won’t happen if you embark on a 72-hour NyQuil siesta. As tempting as that might be.

I don’t get sick often. Maybe once a year. It’s during that time that Princess Buttercup exhibits unprecedented patience. I also find myself rolling this quote over in my head.

“A healthy person wants 1,000 things. An unhealthy person wants one thing.”

I wake up grumpy for those three days, wanting it to end. I don’t wake up on the other 362 days thinking, “I’m not sick today. It’s going to be great.”

We are good at grieving. When we lose something or someone, we notice it and suffer. We see it. We fail to recognize the 947 days in a row that the hot water worked each morning. Or the sixty thousand miles your car had driven without a flat or the five years straight, even when it was negative seven. When’s the last time you sent the power company a note saying, “Thank you so much, the power works today.” I know I’m quick to tell them when it doesn’t.

It’s easier to see what’s gone than what is here.

I’m not here to extol the benefits of being grateful or lecture you on being present. While I think both are valuable, I struggle with them too. There are things and people we deeply appreciate, bring us joy or help us find our potential. Envision their absence because one day, they will be gone. Seeing a life without them will help you appreciate your life with them. It might be worth telling them while they can still hear you.

Two Ideas To Consider

On Things: Find one thing in your life today that, if it were gone, would make you sad or less comfortable. Wi-fi, hot water, whatever. Take a deliberate moment and text yourself why it’s important. The texture of your favorite coffee mug, that big screen you watch your favorite show on, or that folding chair you drag to your kid’s soccer game.

On People: If you know someone well enough to know their birthday, they’re likely important to you. Use that day to tell them what they mean to you and why they are a special part of your life. We don’t have to get all sappy, but make it specific, real, and meaningful. Let’s celebrate their impact on the world. And there’s no reason you have to wait till their birthday either.

Take care,

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“Like everyone, you think you are rational, but you are not. Rationality is not a power you are born with but one you acquire through training and practice. Generally, what causes us to go astray in the first place, what leads to bad decisions and miscalculations, is our deep-rooted irrationality, the extent to which our minds are governed by emotion.”

-Robert Greene

Emotion is good. It is the fuel that has helped create this wonderful world we live in. Despite all that is wrong, it is the best time to live. We highly emotional beings have pushed for change out of fear, ambition, altruism, love, whatever. And we should be very proud and happy that most of us live in the comfort we do now.

It’s also what is wrong with our world. It can be the worst part of us. I have a highly tuned threat detector that can skew to the irrational to protect me, my family, or maybe my ego. Almost five decades of training, from living around alcoholism to worrying about whether that pile of rubbish is an IED or whether my kids are going to make it in this very hard world. Every facial expression, the tone of your voice, or what you didn’t do. All go into my calculus, and the truth is, I’m highly irrational. We all are. We find answers that suit us. And those answers are usually, inaccurately, colored by our emotions of that minute or the history we drag with us.

Rationality doesn’t come naturally. It takes work, training, and experience. I’ve been considering my irrationality and wanted to share some of the lessons I got from Robert Greene’s book The Laws of Human Nature. He has three recommendations we will explore

• Recognize Your Own Biases

• Beware of Inflaming Factors

• Implement Strategies to Bring Out the Rational Self

Recognize Your Biases

“Emotions are continually affecting our thought process and decisions, below the level of our awareness. And the most common emotion of them all is the desire for pleasure and the avoidance of pain. We imagine we are looking for truth, or being realistic, when in fact we are holding on to ideas that bring a release of tension and soothe our egos.”

Here are a few that can keep us from being rational.

• Confirmation Bias: “I am impartial and don’t look for evidence to confirm how I think.”

• Conviction Bias: “I’m usually right, or I believe it so strongly it must be true.”

• Appearance Bias: “I see people as they are. I don’t let their appearance sway my perspective.”

• Group Bias: “I’m able to make up my mind despite belonging to groups (cultural, social, etc).”

• Blame Bias: “External factors are what is wrong. I couldn’t have done anything about it.”

• Superiority Bias: “I’m more ethical, kinder, smarter, etc.” (note: you usually wouldn’t say these out loud or maybe even to yourself)

If you think you are immune to these, that’s your irrationality talking. You, me, and even Gramma are susceptible to all of these (and more).

Beware of Inflaming Factors

Greene highlights five inflaming factors that exacerbate our irrationality. 1. Trigger points from childhood 2. Sudden gains or losses 3. Rising pressure 4. Inflaming individuals 5. Group effect. I want to talk about two.

Trigger Points from Childhood

The older I get and the more work I do on myself, the more I see this. As parents, we all do the best we can. I know mine did, but that doesn’t mean scars are any less real. Even if I’ve made them up. Greene lays out a salient example.

“Take, for example, a young man who had a distant, narcissistic, mother. As an infant or child, they experienced her coldness as abandonment, and to be abandoned must mean he was somehow unworthy of her love. Or similarly a new sibling on the scene caused his mother to give him less attention, which he equally experienced as abandonment. Later in life, in a relationship, a woman might hint disapproval of some trait or action of his, all of which is part of a healthy relationship. This will hit a trigger point - she is noticing his flaws, which, he imagines precedes her abandonment of him. He feels a powerful rush of emotion, a sense of imminent betrayal. He does not see the source of this; it is beyond his control. He overreacts, accuses, withdraws, and all of which lead to the very thing he feared - abandonment. His reaction was to some reflection in his mind, not to the reality. This is the height of irrationality.”

Action: Spend real-time working to understand how your past influences your present. History is not fact; it is a story told by someone and is not always true. A professional is beneficial here.

Rising Pressure

From my post, In Calm, Strength,

When walking in the forest during the day, you see everything. You see every tree, bird, and detail in color and three dimensions.

As night comes, you start to lose clarity. The world flattens. You aren't sure what you see ahead. Is it a tree? A bush? A monster? Stress takes us from day to night, from clear skies to cloudy. The fog rolls in, and we don’t realize it.

We don't see the trees for what they are: trees. They aren't monsters. We don't slow down to ask questions of ourselves or others. With stress, our judgment gets worse. Things spiral as we keep spinning stories. Worse yet, it starts spreading to our people.

And from Greene,

“Never imagine that you are someone who can withstand rising stress without emotional leakage. It is not possible. But through self-awareness and reflection you can prevent yourself from making decisions you will regret.”

Action: Get to know yourself. I know when my pulse increases. I can feel the tightening in my chest. That is my cue to say and do as little as possible. My judgment is getting worse as my stress increases. And while it’s a cliche, count to ten. If you are really stressed, count to 100. Whatever you do, respond, don’t react.

Strategies Toward Bringing Out The Rational Self

Greene gives us the following advice:

“Know yourself thoroughly. The emotional self thrives on ignorance. Your first step toward the rational is always inward.”

Do you know when you are stressed? We all say we want to get better, but do you look at where you have gotten it wrong and take responsibility? How can you do it differently? Don’t let Blame Bias own you. Look in the mirror.

“Examine your emotions to their roots...Dig below any trigger points and see where they start…Your greatest danger here is your ego and it makes you maintain illusions about yourself.”

How are your habits (sleep, movement, food, media) impacting your emotions? How is your perspective being driven by your desire to soothe your ego? What are you holding on to from your past that may not be true or at least is not helpful? A journal can help you put it into the world in a safe place. Reading what you write can bring objectivity.

“Increase your reaction time…the longer you can take the better, because perspective comes with time…consider this like resistance training - the longer you can resist reacting, the more mental space you have for actual reflection, and the stronger your mind will become.”

Some decisions need to be made fast, but most don’t. You don’t have to respond to that email, that comment, or look. Be honest - “I’m not having a good day. I need to sleep on this, and I know I will be clearer in the morning.”

“Accept people as facts… we are continually judging people wishing they were something they are not…we want them to change. Act a certain way, most often the way we think and act.”

People are irrational, just like you. Assume positive intent and make it your mission to try to understand their struggles and strengths. Try to see the world from their view, not yours.

“Find the optimal balance of thinking and emotion.”

Our emotions are what have done the work to create this wonderful world we live in. They also contribute to all that is broken. Greene relates a great metaphor from the ancient Greeks: the rider and the horse.

“The horse is our emotional nature continually impelling us to move. This horse has tremendous energy and power, but without a rider, it cannot be guided; it is wild, subject to predators, and continually heading into trouble. The rider is our thinking self. Through training and practice, it holds the reins and guides the horse, transforming its powerful animal energy into something productive. The one without the other is useless. Without the rider no directed movement or purpose. Without the horse, no energy, no power. In most people, the horse dominates, and the rider is weak. In some people, the rider is too strong, holds the reins too tightly, and is afraid to occasionally let the animal go and gallop. The horse and the rider must work together. This means we must consider our actions beforehand; we bring as much thinking, as possible to a situation before we make a decision. But once we decide, what to do, we loosen the reins and enter with boldness and spirit of adventure. Instead of being slaves to this energy, we channel it that is the essence of rationality.”

Take care. You aren’t alone.

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“In the course of a week, he became to me a brother, a father, a friend, and the most worthy of confidence. His uniform good temper, coolness in danger, and resources in difficulties, his prudence, fortitude, and perseverance, under the most trying circumstances, render him a most valuable character."

-William Clark talking about his friend Meriwether Lewis.

In 1804, two remarkable explorers and leaders embarked on an incredible journey from the bustling frontier town of St. Louis. Their mission, commissioned by President Thomas Jefferson, was to chart the path to the Pacific. Over two years, Meriwether Lewis and William Clark would lead an expedition that covered a staggering 8,000 miles of wilderness, ultimately reaching the Pacific at the mouth of the Columbia River, now known as Oregon.

It's hard for us to grasp the enormity of their accomplishments truly. The yet-to-be-named states of Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, Iowa, South Dakota, North Dakota, Montana, Idaho, Oregon, and Washington had no roads or truck stops. No inflatable sleeping pads, pop-up tents, or origami kayaks. They made their canoes the old-fashioned way—by digging them out. Their band of boatmen, soldiers, and interpreters rounded each bend, not knowing if it meant a tribe was ready to kill them or help them.

Lewis was a leader to his core, possessing the qualities you'd find in anyone who accomplishes what others deem impossible: vision, decisiveness, courage, communication, resilience, integrity, discipline, trust, humility, and curiosity. He even insisted that William Clark be his co-commander despite outranking him. He took his men into an unforgiving environment and brought them back like Ernest Shackleton a century later. It was powerful leadership, a man committed to the mission and his men.

To top it off, Lewis documented over 120 new species of plants and animals, including the grizzly bear, coyote, prairie dog, and big horn sheep. Despite all the evidence and documentation, Lewis received very little credit.

Unfortunately, Lewis never published his work, and he ultimately took his own life. The reasons remain debatable, with some suggesting it was an accident or foul play, but it's clear that he suffered from depression, anxiety, and possibly bipolar disorder. What's likely true is that his biological state, combined with the self-imposed pressure to achieve financial success from his journey and his increasing dependence on alcohol, pushed him to his limits. His struggles as the new Governor of the Louisiana Purchase only added to his burdens.

We can't pretend to know what he was thinking, but we know it didn't have to end this way. Maybe he felt like a failure, perhaps he saw no way out, or he found himself alone, and the convergence of alcohol and depression showed him a door he couldn't resist.

It makes one wonder if he had a true friend on that cold night, whether they could have helped. As you head into your week, consider how we can all be real friends. Real friends ask real questions and want real answers.

“How are you doing? No, really. How are you doing?”

And I don't want the socially accepted answer, 'I’m great.' I want the truth."

Most of us are usually moving through something, whether it's a past trauma, a recent challenge, or a fear about the future. Most of us would appreciate the space to say, "I'm struggling. Let me tell you about it. I don't want to whine or complain, but here's what's happening. Thanks for asking, making space for me in your life, and being someone who makes me feel I'm not alone."

It takes work to care. It takes work to ask hard questions and deal with real answers. But it's always worth it. We'll never know what might have happened if someone had taken the time to be the friend that Meriwether Lewis needed. It's a powerful reminder that every interaction is an opportunity to be the friend someone needs.

Take care, friend. You aren’t alone.

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“Our stupidity may be clearly proved by the fact that we hold that “buying” refers only to the objects for which we pay cash, and we regard as free gifts the things for which we spend our very selves. We are eager to attain them at the cost of anxiety, danger, lost honor, personal freedom, and time; so true it is that each man regards nothing as cheaper than himself.”-Seneca

Alonzo Fields was President Harry Truman’s butler, and he said, speaking of the President, “he never seemed to have a problem, and no one could tell when something was troubling him.”

The issues that landed on President Truman’s desk were not easy ones. The easy problems get handled before they hit a leader’s desk. His choices were usually between awful and cataclysmic. That’s not conjecture. It’s a fact. After all, he was the one who decided to drop the first atomic weapon on mainland Japan instead of invading - two impossible choices.

Truman was not the pure example of equanimity that Mr. Fields described. There were documented moments of losing his temper and being unhappy, but those were few and didn’t last long. I’m fortunate to be close to several humans who move quickly through dark places and back into the light. I work with some, and I live with some. I have deep respect for those abilities. It’s inspiring.

We talk about happiness a lot. Do what makes you happy? Does that make you happy? I’m happy. I’m not happy. I’m happy if you are happy. Are you happy?

Here’s the problem with happiness: we can manufacture happiness pretty quickly. A bowl of Cherry Garcia. That’s happiness. The sweet chocolate bouncing against the subtle tartness of the cherries. All of this is wrapped by the silky vanilla wonderfulness that I imagine originated in Madagascar under the watchful eye of a troop of ring-tailed lemurs. Put me outside eating said bowl of said ice cream with a warm breeze, preferably tropical, and good golly. I’m happy. That happiness lasts about as long as the sugar runs through my system. Then it’s back to whatever state I occupied before.

Stop trying to be happy. Work on being satisfied.

You might be unsatisfied with where you live. Maybe it’s where you work, how you look, who you love, or who doesn’t love you. It might be how you spend your time or what you don’t get to do.

I don’t get to wander enough back allies of places with people who don’t look like me, talk like me, or think like me, taking photos and learning about other cultures as much as I’d like.

That would make me happy, but I’m not sure it would give me what I want. I’d want more. And more. I’ll never be satisfied until I control my need for more. After all, what I wanted ten years ago is what I have now. And, unsurprisingly, it’s not enough. I refuse to believe that we can’t get our insatiable appetite for more under control.

Yes, it’s ironic that the person who talks every day about being better today than yesterday is encouraging us to be satisfied. BTTY is about being better, whatever that means to you. For me, that is, in part, the quest to enjoy the way the world is now. Not the way I think it could have been or constantly focusing on the way I want to be. Doing both of those means, I miss what is here and now.

Most of our perceived problems will work themselves out, one way or another. If you can do something about it, do it. If you can’t, well, what will worrying do? While I’m very happy eating Cherry Garcia, that’s not what I’m after. I’m after satisfaction. And that is work I need to do on the inside.

Satisfaction won’t come with a beautiful mountainside home in the desert or a bungalow on the beach. That will make me happy for a moment or two. Erich Fromm said it wisely,

"To have or to be? That is the question. The difference between having and being is the difference between a society that is geared to have more and a society that is geared to be more."

Satisfaction comes when I can focus my monkey mind on doing things that have meaning for myself and those around me. Being more, not having more. It means slowing down enough to see all that is good here and now and realizing what matters —relationships, meaningful work, and living our life to potential.

Our satisfaction is a factor of what we desire. The more we want, the more we need to be satisfied. The less we want, the less we need. That is inside work and something you can change today. Want more from yourself, don’t want more things.

Want to be more. Not have more.

Everything has a cost, and we don’t always pay in cash. We pay with our very selves. The cost is freedom, anxiety, relationships, time, and more.

Something to consider over the next bowl of your favorite flavor is what work you can do on the inside that will change how you see the outside.

Take care, friend. You aren’t alone.

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"We forge our truest identity by putting our heads into the mouths of the scariest demons, the realities of our lives. Only by facing our fears, our prejudices, our passions, can we transform the energy that is the source of our aggression, the source of our confusion, the source of our struggle." (Jerry Colonna, Reboot)

I’ve always wondered why I tend to see the 1% wrong when 99% is right, whether it’s about me, my relationships, or the sunrise.

What’s unique about us is our highly-tuned threat detector. Sabertooth tiger, run. I think this is why it is easy for us to criticize ourselves and others. We notice the slight, real or imagined because it could change our position somehow. It might even mean we die. The comment by our partner or our boss may change our life. It’s why we see the monster ahead when it’s just a tree.

Our brains are wired to see the threats. Without perfect information, we fill in the gaps with our own stories. Stories that may or may not be accurate. Stories that are colored by our history, our ego, and our desires. We want to keep what we have and get more of what we think will keep us safe.

Fear has a role. In scenarios where the threat is real, it keeps you alive. Carry bear spray, watch your cholesterol, and fasten your seatbelt.

Where the danger’s not real, it kills our potential. It only cares about keeping you breathing. Its job is to ensure the survival of the species. Even with that, we should not view fear as our enemy, despite its every attempt to hold us back, but rather as a friend pointing us where we need to go.

"Fear is the primary color of the amateur's interior world. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of looking foolish, fear of under-achieving and fear of over-achieving, fear of poverty, fear of loneliness, fear of death. But mostly what we all fear as amateurs is being excluded from the tribe, i.e., the gang, the posse, mother and father, family, nation, race, religion. The amateur fears that if he turns pro and lives out his calling, he will have to live up to who he really is and what he is truly capable of. The amateur is terrified that if the tribe should discover who he really is, he will be kicked out into the cold to die." (Steven Pressfield, Turning Pro)

If you are afraid of a conversation you need to have, it’s probably the right thing to do. Maybe you’re scared of leaving your steady paycheck for that side hustle that lights you up but doesn’t align with the path everyone expects. Perhaps most importantly, you’re afraid of a conversation you must have with yourself about what is true or not about you and your life. Those answers might be scary, but they will push you down the path you were meant to walk.

We must ask ourselves,

“What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”

Keep this question close as you head into your week (and life). Use it at every corner, every inflection point, every decision, and in every conversation. It will get you where you need to go.

Take care,

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"Listening is suspending disbelief." (Rick Rubin, The Creative Act)

Though I didn’t know it then, the back door was like most. The cement was smooth and discolored by the thousands of bags of trash dragged, pushed, and willed outside—a dumpster to the right and a pile of cigarette butts to the left.

After swinging and slamming for over a decade, the metal door sounded like most metal doors. It was brown and heavy, at least for this prepubescent fellow. It creaked as I struggled to pull it open.

I moved through the dark and musty storeroom with shelves that were twenty feet high. Thinking back, that couldn’t have been true because there were no ladders, but everything seems bigger when you’re young. Things, people, and possibilities.

That day, I had a small section of tables. No doubt some law was being violated given my age, but it was the Caribbean, and this was a family business. The kitchen clanged, banged, and slid as eggs, toast, and hash browns made their way to the dining room. Perpetually hungry and encouraged by the French toast unceremoniously dropped on the stainless steel counter, I grabbed a piece of bacon and headed to my first table.

Still chewing and partially coughing as I worked to swallow, I arrived to find a mother, father, and young son. He was probably 12. I don’t know what the parents ordered, but I know what he ordered. “Coffee, please.” At 12. Coffee?! I wrote it on my little pad and weaved back to the kitchen in disbelief. My age, drinking coffee?

When I asked one of the old timers how and why a 12-year-old kid would be drinking coffee, they said, “They do that.”

I remember the use of the word “They.” Vividly. A distinct separation between us and them. I want to believe she was grabbing any old pronoun during a busy breakfast rush, but this burned into my conciseness. So much so that I’m sharing it with you thirty years later. That family was different than “us” in some way because of what they drank.

Where is that little boy now? Does he have kids? Do they drink coffee? I have a child the same age as that coffee-ordering kid in the booth that morning, and if he wants coffee…sure. It’s interesting how one word can make all the difference. I wonder if that wise old waiter had used the word “We” if I’d have remembered any of this?

Are we really that different? When we take the time to go below the surface, I doubt it. Sublties, yes. But we all have strengths and struggles, hopes and horrors, and dreams and doubts. WE are just people, peopling. WE have much to learn from each other if we take the time.

"To see each other clearly, you need to take turns sharing your perspective. When one is sharing their perspective, the other needs to do their best to listen selflessly." (Yung Pueblo, Lighter)

Take care,

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Humans think in stories, and we try to make sense of the world by telling stories. The truly unique trait of 'Sapiens' is our ability to create and believe fiction. All other animals use their communication system to describe reality. We use our communication system to create new realities. - Yuval Noah Harari

Hi friends,

What does success mean? That’s been on my mind lately. Well, that’s not true. It’s always been on my mind. Princess Buttercup reminded me this weekend that I’ve been working consistently since I was 13. The reasons have changed over time, but make no mistake, the money stories run deep. At a moment when I was less than ten, I remember worrying to myself that one day I would be homeless. No real reason. Just some early time travel from one young Vohs.

“Worry and regret are just a misuse of your imagination.”

I have the fortunate/unfortunate tendency to hold questions like “What does success look like?” heavily. I don’t hold them lightly as a friend encourages me to do or allow them to move in and out. They plant themselves and root in my mind, seeping into the crevices like water. Sometimes, that water is clear, sometimes muddy. Often, it spills out into the lives of those closest to me—sorry, folks.

What is a life well lived? What will your impact be? How will the world be better because you were here?

On my way to starting my sixth decade, it’s unsurprising that this would be on my mind. Maybe I’m a stereotype like that, but then maybe not. The elusivity of those answers is interesting. The socially acceptable ones are easy. Be a good father, be a good member of the community, be a good partner, etc. That’s what we are supposed to say. What about the not socially acceptable ones? The selfish ones? The ones driven by ego? By ambition? Do you have the courage to be honest with yourself?

What we think, we become.

The values and virtues we live help us prioritize the use of our most valuable resource, time. Do we prioritize comfort, compensation, or competition? Or do we prioritize joy, peace, and generosity?

In his new book The Pathless Path, shared an excellent tip I want to bring your way today. He spent reflective time writing down the words that he wanted to drive his life. These priorities are what he believed would help him decide how to spend his time. His words are health, relationships, fun, & creativity. Here’s the hack: he placed them in a calendar invite that has popped up on his phone every morning at 830AM since 2013.

What really matters to you? What words do you want to think about each day and act on? Does the day's momentum allow your words to be pushed aside and replaced by others? If you and I aren’t intentional about our words, we will be moved by our history, our stories, and the stories of others.

I’m still unsure what success is, but Emerson’s famous words about success are worth repeating. Maybe it's worth memorizing.

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate the beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!”

Something to consider this week.

Take care,

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"I was too tense to appreciate the beauty around me, too preoccupied to listen inwardly or enjoy the people I love." -Tara Brach

Hi friends,

Last weekend, three teenagers stood on a small lake beach. They watched me while I willed my muscles to remember how to rig up a little sailboat—a sunfish. I’d done it 1,000 times before, but that was thirty years ago. I was sure going into this that we would spend part of the morning with my companions using YouTube to tell me what I was doing wrong. Thankfully, we avoided that.

These are little boats meant for one, maybe two. We decided to cram all three of my adventure partners onboard. I pushed them out with tips on the wind, and what happens when the boom hits you in the head.

You will figure it out.

Watch the water change and feel the shifts in the wind. Move with and around each other. You’ll learn to manage speed and direction, eventually. Turn into the wind. Sometimes, you’ll get it wrong, but you’ll figure it out. With some patience, you’ll go where you want. Even when you capsize, you can get it going again.

Proud Papa stood there on the shore, watching those little men experience a bit of peace and joy. The connection with the water, the wind, and the requirement that you notice what is happening around you. They seemed to understand the mechanics of sailing but, most importantly, why.

With the boat barely put away, we felt the pangs of hangriness pull on our patience. We headed to a lovely little sandwich-making haven in a circa late 1800s farmhouse. You’ll find kind smiles behind the counter and satisfied customers moving across the creaking floorboards or lined up for the one small WC.

It’s always busy, and as is my productive custom, I’ve figured out the hack that will save us time. They have my credit card on file, and a call 30 minutes before pick up means a bag will be sitting outside with my name on it. Small town easy and personal. Also efficient and productive.

I poke one of the boys to make the call, but it goes to voicemail - “We are too busy to take call-ahead orders,” the kind voice says apologetically. My impatience flares internally. “Now we are going to have to sit there for 30 minutes,” I say to myself. For some reason, I let it go. It’s summer. And I’m working on waiting.

Getting uncomfortable with unproductivity

Here’s what I’ve come to realize about myself. I am uncomfortable with unproductive time. With the self-imposed constraints on my time, I try to find efficiency everywhere. The app, so the green logged cup is waiting. The full calendar with the idea that unproductivity violates some unspoken code floating in and out of my conscious thought. ‘Wasted time’ is unacceptable. Frivolity is a four-letter word. Why would we ever want to wait 30 minutes for our sandwiches? Let me tell you why.

Those three boys sat with me, and we ate hummus made by a small family business across the street. We discovered that the dozen-ish macaroons I splurged on have a secret center - some honey, others jam. We noticed that the glass water bottles, labels removed, would make great vases for end-of-summer flowers. Our phones disappeared as we ‘endurded’ the wait in our wet bathing suits on a hot summer day, just enjoying a moment - together. No reason. No purpose. No efficiency.

Highly Unproductive.

We were just being unproductively us. In truth, we were highly productive. We produced a series of moments that at least 1/4 of us will never forget. I wonder what other moments I’ve missed because of a misguided definition of what it means to be productive. Too busy being efficient to notice the things that matter.

I think the things you will remember with a warm heart at the end of your life are the ones that matter most. The ‘unproductive’ moments where you slow down enough to recognize the beauty and enjoy the people you love.

Consider this week how your definition of productivity might need refinement. The time you view as useless is maybe the most useful. Society may not deem it productive, but what will eighty-year-old you think?

Take care,

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"Having eyes, but not seeing beauty; having ears, but not hearing music; having minds, but not perceiving truth; having hearts that are never moved and therefore never set on fire. These are the things to fear, said the headmaster." (Tetsuko Kuroyanagi, Totto-Chan)

The table was glass with dimples and a metal frame. The ones from my childhood —a cheap table on a patio, and we were almost in the parking lot. We were in a small village with surprisingly good food, but the company was better. Just family around this table. People that bring it every day. The good, the bad, the joy, the laughs, and that we-can-face-anything-together attitude. You can count on them to show up when it matters. They are the ones you lean on when the zombies come, whether they’re real or imagined.

I glanced at my phone with some guilt, and my eyes settled on a subject line: “Sad News to Share.”

We lost a teammate at work. She was sick, but we didn’t know how sick. She didn’t tell us it was terminal, and knowing her, that makes sense. She wouldn’t want to bother us. She was so incredibly kind and fearless. She was a tough city lady with twin boys who are severely autistic. She was always so happy, and her hugs so warm. Now she’s gone.

Moments Matter

I believe that life is just the moments we string together. Some noticed, some missed, others ignored. The sunrises and the sunsets. The big moons and the no moons. The baby giggles and wonderful drools. And the hugs and the hellos. Or catching your person with that, I-remember-why-I-married-you look and falling asleep holding their hand.

There is little to fear except missing the moments that matter because you are too busy being scared by your imagination.

We all move through life, working through our problems and triumphs. While our spectrums vary, we each require nudges of encouragement to remind us of our specialness. These nudges bump us toward the next smile, through our despair, and into the light. My friend was that light. She never failed to make me feel special - every time. I’ll never forget her example, not because of what she did, but what she didn’t do. She didn’t complain, although she had every reason to. She smiled, and she showed up for all of us.

That warm smile says, “I see you.” Sometimes, all we want is to be seen. To be acknowledged. Those ripples might help someone face another day at school, find the courage to tell someone they are sorry and save a relationship, or decide that this life is worth living.

Let’s hold the doors, remember the birthdays, send the smiles, and realize that everyone is suffering. That’s why we should be kind. Not because it’s on a t-shirt or a Subaru but because that human you passed on aisle four on your way to get raisin bread needs it. You might never know why but know they are suffering somehow.

Fear the moments you miss and the kindness you keep. You don’t get a second chance.

Here’s some action: Scroll to the end of your text messages. All the way, there is an end. Find someone down there that you haven’t texted in a while and let them know you are thinking of them. They find two more people and do the same. That little note might be the light they need today.

Hug your humans and take care,

The NY Times wrote this about our friend a few years ago. Rest easy, friend.

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"No matter what anyone says or does, my task is to be good."- Marcus Aurelius

Here are a few words I’m considering this week. I was reflecting on where I need to lean in or make a change. These are important words but not exhaustive. Some I get right, others I get wrong. I’m just a work in progress and thought I’d share in case you find them helpful too. I’m including my thoughts about the word with some wisdom from Emperor Marcus Aurelius from his journal that he kept more than 2,000 years ago.

Patience.

Make space for objectivity, growth, and truth. Give yourself enough time to find potential and see the world for what it is.

“Everywhere, at each moment, you have the option: to accept this event with humility, to treat this person as they should be treated, to approach this thought with care so that nothing irrational creeps in.” - Marcus Aurelius

Self-Control.

Be objective in how you see the world, move purposefully from one unselfish action to another, and enable your mind to accept what is beyond its control and act on what is. Self-control in perception, action, and will.

“Concentrate on what you have to do. Fix your eyes on it. Remind yourself that your task is to be a good human being; remind yourself what nature demands of people. Then do it without hesitation, and speak the truth as you see it. But with kindness. With humility. Without hypocrisy.” - Marcus Aurelius

Cheerfulness.

Suffering cannot be escaped. Endure it with a smile. You can at least laugh at the pain and help others laugh too. All things are temporary, and how you think about the world colors your reality.

"The things you think about determine the quality of your mind. Your soul takes on the color of your thoughts."- Marcus Aurelius

“Don’t be overheard complaining about life. Not even to yourself.” - Marcus Aurelius

"What doesn’t transmit light creates its own darkness." -Marcus Aurelius

Courage.

Most fear is selfish. Don’t let it stop you from being what you and the world needs.

“My only fear is doing something contrary to human nature—the wrong thing, the wrong way, or at the wrong time.” - Marcus Aurelius

"Do not think that courage lies only in boldness and power. The highest courage is the courage to be higher than your rage and love someone who has offended you. —PERSIAN WISDOM

Truth.

Seek it and share it, without exception, in things that matter - particularly with yourself.

“If anyone can refute me—show me I’m making a mistake or looking at things from the wrong perspective—I’ll gladly change. It’s the truth I’m after, and the truth never harmed anyone. What harms us is to persist in self-deceit and ignorance.” - Marcus Aurelius

Justice.

Do right, always. Fight for it, especially when no one else will or for those who cannot fight for themselves.

“Care for all humans is part of being human.”- Marcus Aurelius

"You can also commit injustice by doing nothing." - Marcus Aurelius

Change.

Nothing is permanent. Use that momentum today to do good, right wrongs, and find your potential.

"Everything’s destiny is to change, be transformed, and perish. So that new things can be born." -Marcus Aurelius

Patience, self-control, cheerfulness, courage, justice, truth, and change. Some words I’m considering this week and some actions I’m trying to take.

These words all represent hard choices. The best things in life are usually hard.

Take care,

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“Great leaders are almost always great simplifiers, who can cut through argument, debate, and doubt to offer a solution everybody can understand.“-General Colin Powell

Teams exist to do what individuals cannot. Leaders exist to maximize team performance. Here is an acronym I use daily to remind myself what my job is as a leader - C.A.R.E.

Clarity

Central to the execution of anything is clarity. Why are we here? (Mission) What are we going to do? (Strategy) How are we going to behave? (Culture) What does success look like? (Vision). A powerful purpose brings people together. You must help them see where we are going so they can help get us there—clarity of vision.

Alignment

Does everyone know the path? Are we all walking in the same direction? Have we agreed on the path? Lead them down the path and show them it is possible.

Are we keeping our eyes up for opportunities and obstacles? Stay focused. We are making progress. Or, in some cases, “We took a wrong turn. We have to double back.” Or, “Who needs a flashlight? That is a tree up there, not a monster. Keep going.” Or “Whoa, come back, Kelly, you’re chasing shiny butterflies again.”

Resources

Given what we ask them to do, does everyone have what they need? Time and money are the big buckets. Almost anything is possible with enough of both. It was one thing for President Roosevelt to approve the invasion of mainland Europe to defeat the Nazis. It’s another entirely to ensure that General Eisenhower had enough landing craft.

Emotional Connectedness

To People

You have had relationships with people in your life where it just clicked. Being together, communicating, and being yourself isn’t hard. Often that is a partner, a family member, or a mentor. You are open to their ideas, their dreams, and their perspectives. They can influence you, and you can influence them. The relationship works.

When this happens at work, you benefit from being with someone you like (dare I say love) and enjoy being around them. You want to help them win, and they you.

We don’t have to have this deep connection with everyone, but we do need connection. People connected 360 degrees stay longer, are happier, and perform better. It’s a team sport, and we must work to form connections up, down, and sideways. They don’t all have to be deep, but there must be a connection between two humans trying to do their best work with a mutual understanding that we are better together.

To The Mission

We have one genuinely non-renewable resource, time. No matter what we do, we won’t get more of it. We all would prefer spending what time we have done something that matters.

This is especially true at work, where we spend a lot of time. After we satisfy the necessities of life, we would prefer that our work be attributed to something bigger than ourselves. That it has meaning and is helpful to those around us, our community, and maybe the world.

When we connect to a mission, we feel it in our belly. That fire gets us out of bed each morning with a relentless commitment to excellence. We will do what’s hard and right because the mission matters. Leaders who can make this connection between the work that happens each day to a larger mission will find teams that not only perform better but will sacrifice to accomplish the mission and usually do more than anyone expected. Because it’s bigger than them, and it matters to the world.

I use this acronym to remind myself what to do daily as a leader. It’s particularly helpful when things don’t go well. Usually, when things aren’t going well, I have gotten one of these wrong: Clarity, Alignment, Resources, & Emotional Connectedness.

The good news is even when I get these wrong, almost everything is temporary. I just have to get up in the morning and work to make it better today than yesterday.

Take care,

.

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"Leaning back in my recliner each night, staring at the ceiling, I tried to settle myself. I told myself: Life is growth. You grow or you die." -Phil Knight

Hey friend,

I graduated from the infantry school at Ft. Benning two decades ago. Next week, a dear friend’s son will do the same.

While our time there was likely very different, there are similarities. The pain, the push-ups, the heat, and the fire ants. It’s a place where the bathroom meant walking off into the woods with an entrenching tool (a small shovel). Toilet paper, well, maybe.

Over time, we remember the good and forget the bad. With twenty years since they made us run till we all puked, my memories are mostly fond. Like the Staff Sergeant, with a glint in his eye as he punished us when what he was saying was, “I believe in you. Keep going. This is all a show to help you find the man you can be.”

Or the weekend pass, you get near the end. Princess Buttercup and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean. It was great. I slept the whole time, a skill I retain to this day. But holding her hand meant something different after so much suffering.

Most importantly, this time helped me grow. You grow when you don’t have a choice but to do the pushups, the ruck march, or the overhead arm claps. When big angry men yell at you, you aren’t afforded the luxury of choosing what you want to do or what to fear. You don’t get to ask yourself, “Can I do this?” It’s not a choice. You do. When you do, you grow. Abraham Maslow said,

"One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.“

In the profession of a soldier, growth is safety. The more you grow, the more capable you become. Capable of doing your part to accomplish the mission, keep your buddies alive, and get home for another movie with your princess buttercup. You get weaker when you choose not to go for that run, not do that push-up, or not put a few more pounds in your rucksack. These choices increase the chances that the mission fails or someone you love dies.

Here’s the kicker, all of this applies to you, too - soldier or not. This is our every day. I had the fortune to have your tax dollars pay for my growth. We signed up and took an oath that meant Constitution didn’t apply to us (no, really). They could essentially do whatever they liked.

You don’t have that luxury. You have to make these decisions on your own. You must decide whether to sleep in or step into the storm. Whether to walk into the blizzard or stay in your warm hut by the fire.

This is the best time to be alive, ever. Men and women before us made this possible. Their luxuries have become our necessities. You don’t have to walk into the woods with a shovel to do your business. The indoor bathroom that was a luxury is now a necessity—and while you’re there, the wifi works, even at 35K feet.

Humans that chose to do hard things made this possible. Each of us has a choice today - grow or not grow. This choice is not for you but for your community. Your community at home, work, and the society that will exist after you’re gone.

People have worked A$$’s off to make this life comfortable for us. We have a responsibility to continue the momentum.

Consider your choices:

• Step into the storm and grow

• Stay by the warm fire and slowly die

Understand: That cozy fire is where potential goes to die. Not just your potential but the potential of our communities and society. We are all counting on you to help make things better every day, not just for you and me but for two generations from now, just like someone did it for us.

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"Our narrative defeats our surroundings. Every time." -Seth Godin

We find ourselves in a magnificent era where it is increasingly easier to create — first paper, then the printing press, then computers, and now almost independent machines. The future is bright.

Creating is easy. Deleting it is hard. To delete the long-held beliefs about ourselves, the world, status, money, fear, love, or insert your whatever - that’s hard.

Increasingly, the most valuable use of my time is not to create but to remove the un-useful. The activities that I do automatically or out of obligation that don’t bring joy, wisdom, peace, or progress to me or someone around me. I’m working to remove my desire for material things to make room for memories. To question old beliefs so that I can make sure there is room for truth. Most importantly, delete my untrue stories. Ted Chiang reminds us about the reality of our narrative,

"People are made of stories. Our memories are not the impartial accumulation of every second we’ve lived; they’re the narrative that we assembled out of selected moments."—Ted Chiang

Take a moment to reflect: What thoughts and beliefs should you delete from your life? How much of your day is consumed by emotional stories that lack rationality or usefulness? Are there ideas so deeply ingrained that you rarely contemplate their opposites?

If history has taught us one thing, we are usually wrong in the short term. The world was flat. Now it’s not. The universe revolved around the Earth. Now it doesn’t. Humanity’s journey has been a continuous correction of mistaken notions. As Marcus Aurelius knew this when he said,

"It’s the truth I’m after, and the truth never harmed anyone. What harms us is to persist in self-deceit and ignorance."

Here is an exercise to take with you this week. When you use the delete key on your phone or computer, think about what else you should delete.

• The work that doesn’t add value, but for some reason, you are still doing it.

• The meeting someone put on repeat that keeps showing up.

• The 80% of your closet you don’t wear.

• The relationships that take energy but don’t give it.

• But above all, be courageous enough to confront the untrue stories — about yourself, your humans, and the world.

Warning: The truth is usually painful and complicated.

Good luck, friend.

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“It’s hard enough to create something good deliberately and with intention. And it’s no guarantee just because we believe something can happen, it will happen. But we know that unless we believe something can happen, it will not happen inadvertently by itself. And so it becomes really important that we imagine a world that we want, that we imagine solutions we want and believe that we can make them happen.” —Kevin Kelly

It’s not always easy to stay optimistic. Our modern news cycle bombards us with all the bad. Both because it makes money and it’s the reality. Bad things happen every day. Author, technologist, and philosopher Kevin Kelly inspired me with his thoughts on why it’s so important to be an optimist.

There is lots of good, but it’s easy to miss. Here’s why.

“Most progress is what does not happen.”

We forget about the diseases that have been cured, the famine that we do not experience (in most countries), or the fact that it no longer takes six weeks to travel from NYC to Chicago. Mostly, we don’t wake up worrying about the meat we need to cure or vegetables we need to can to survive the winter. We’ve made progress.

“Bad things happen faster than good things. Good things take time. “

“When we are compressing our news cycle to the things that have changed in the last five minutes, all the things that have changed in the last five minutes are bad because good stuff takes longer. If we were to make newspapers every 100 years, we would have different headlines.” -Kevin Kelly

Our lives are similar. Negative micro-events over a day or week can add up and impact perspective and attitude. Usually, if we look at our overall progress, we are better than we were ten years ago - in who we are, the quality of our lives, and our ability to continue to make progress.

We have this nasty habit of moving our expectations. That’s likely not to change. Just recognize it when you do it. It’s easy to forget that the life we wanted ten years is the life we have today.

“Societies are capable of creating a few percent better than they destroy each year.”

It doesn’t always seem like it, but now is the best time to be alive. Ever.

People live longer and have more access to better healthcare, education, and more ‘free’ time than ever. Is it still unacceptable that 200K people died of malnutrition in 2019? Absolutely. But that is down from 600K in 1990.

The small percentage you and I improve each year helps make society better. If we can each do our small part in our circle to make things better, we continue the momentum of progress. Put that way, we each have a moral responsibility to get better today than yesterday.

How can we apply this to ourselves:

• Recognize the good. We tend to recognize the bad because it’s a threat. You have done decades of work to get things the good that is in your life now. The skills, the security, and the possibilities. Recognize that.

• Greatness takes time. Be patient and focus on what you can do over a decade with the proper habits and priorities. Thinking of your life in terms of decades is hard, and that’s why so few people are willing to do the work that leads to greatness - whatever that means to them.

• Nothing will happen if you don’t try.

Kevin Kelly says, “No matter what your temperament is, you can still choose to be optimistic. And gigantic problems require gigantic optimism. We have a moral obligation to be optimistic because when we’re optimistic, we can shape the future, we can become better ancestors, we can expand our reach --create things bigger than ourselves.”

Let’s all be good ancestors.

Take care,

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If a person gave away your body to some passerby, you’d be furious. Yet you hand over your mind to anyone who comes along, so they may abuse you, leaving it disturbed and troubled—have you no shame in that? —EPICTETUS

A little one in our family was playing the other day. It was reckless in all the good ways. High energy and relentless in the pursuit of his interests. The world’s pressures, expectations of others, and worries of ‘what if’ have burrowed in.

We view the world through the lens of our wounds and triumphs. It has been shaped over our life. That lens has been polished, scratched, cracked, and sometimes duck-taped back together.

Personality refers to the enduring characteristics and behavior that comprise a person’s unique adjustment to life.

The word adjustment is key. We have created our personality to handle the world - a mix of genetics, experiences, and perceptions. I think mine is a shell I use to deal with the world and get what I want. It also protects what I don’t want to lose — the wall I have created to defend the castle.

That is an incredible insight for me. I am who I have chosen to become - consciously or subconsciously. There is little about me that I cannot change with enough effort, thought, practice, and support. The parts holding me back from whatever I seek can be adjusted. The wonderful parts must be honored and preserved. There is almost nothing impossible.

“There are more things … likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” -Seneca

Understanding why you do what you do requires a willingness to slow down and ask the right questions. To try to see things for what they are, not what you imagine them to be. Respond, not react. There may be pain in your answers. Where there is pain, we usually get stronger.

_"Either pain affects the body (which is the body’s problem) or it affects the soul. But the soul can choose not to be affected, preserving its own serenity, its own tranquillity. All our decisions, urges, desires, aversions lie within. No evil can touch them." -Marcus Aurelius

My love language is words of affirmation. My need for words of affirmation comes from a place I’m only starting to uncover. Deep reflection, talking with friends and advisors, and getting real with myself helps to parse that out. Why does that matter?

The opposite of words of affirmation is criticism. My need for validation makes my ability to take criticism harder. I’ve found that the closer you are to me, the harder it is to take.

When I react to criticism, I stand on my castle and raise the draw drawbridge, trying to defend myself. The crazy part is it’s trying to protect me from words, not arrows. Usually, those words aren’t harmful either in intent or reality. Due to scratches in my lens, I react when I should respond. I see them as criticism from an enemy trying to storm the castle when it is often an accomplice trying to reinforce the foundation.

With my walls up, I can’t see or hear. I cower behind the parapet in fear that I am not good enough. When I respond, I don’t raise the drawbridge or hide behind my walls. I can see and hear. That leads to a better understanding of the people around me and myself. It’s hard. Sometimes it hurts. But it all seems to make more sense when we make space to respond to the world instead of reacting.

"Remember that to change your mind and to accept correction are free acts too. The action is yours, based on your own will, your own decision—and your own mind." -Marcus Aurelius

Considerations:

• Respond, don’t react. Practically, take a breath. Breathe. Make space between the event and the response. Emotional responses are not objective.

• Find Accomplices, Not Critics. This may be as simple as deciding that someone is sitting next to you in your castle instead of trying to storm it. That’s a decision.

• Be An Accomplice. Everyone else has their stuff too. Everyone needs accomplices in their life. Try to get in their skin and, more importantly, be helpful. When we truly try to understand perspectives, everyone gets better. That energy will come back.

Remember, it all ends. Enjoy what you have, and work through what you don’t want. This, too, shall pass. If we look, we will usually find more people willing to help than hurt.

"Accordingly, some things torment us more than they ought; some torment us before they ought; and some torment us when they ought not to torment us at all. We are in the habit of exaggerating, or imagining, or anticipating, sorrow." -Seneca

Take care,

NEXT:

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“In my whole life, I have known no wise people who didn’t read all the time – none, zero.” -Charlie Munger

They say we are the sum of the five people we spend the most time with. I say we are the sum of what we consume—food, relationships, entertainment, and media.

For the first time, the number of people who did not read a book in the last 12 months eclipsed 50% of the US population. I understand why, as I’ve been drifting into a nasty habit of scrolling social media. Catching myself, I wondered what would happen if I picked up a book every time I wanted to scroll.

If I scroll for 10 minutes daily, that is 3,650 minutes a year or 60 hours. A 300-page book takes the average reader 8 hours to read. If I replace my 10 minutes of scrolling with reading, I could read seven more books yearly. Well, shucks. That would be wonderful. But hold on, the average person spends 2.5 hours a day on social media. I’m not here to bash social media but rather advocate for closely examining your consumption.

It’s said, “Attaining wisdom is the most important pursuit in life.” I’m still working that theory over in my head, but it’s probably pretty close. Books are a wonderful place to find wisdom, joy, empathy, and magic.

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.” -Dr. Seuss

Not everyone loves to read. I get it. That was me for a long time. I started with audiobooks—lots of audiobooks. I’m an audio learner. Then I started to read the ones I loved and realized audiobooks are like skipping a stone over a lake. I moved from being interested in checking it off my list and more interested in understanding.

If you don’t want to use these 10 minutes for reading, what else could you consume that might make you better? 10 minutes of stretching? A handwritten note to a friend? Meditation? A walk?

I’ll do me. You do you. But choose wisely.

What we consume, we become.

Considerations:

• Read things you like. Not what’s popular.

• You don’t have to finish it. Move on.

• Don’t read for speed. That’s vanity. Read for understanding.

• Re-read your favorites. Like movies, you find things you missed the first time.

• Read old books. Time has filtered for good.

• Establish a habit before expecting a skill

• We have one truly non-renewable resource, time.

Take care,

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"The true price of leadership is the willingness to place the needs of others above your own. Great leaders truly care about those they are privileged to lead and understand that the cost of leadership privilege comes at the expense of self-interest.”

—GEORGE J. FLYNN, LIEUTENANT GENERAL, U.S. MARINE CORPS (RET.)

With the right paperwork signed and physicals completed, replete with 77 X-rays (that can’t be healthy), I drove off post. That was it. My time in the Army was over.

A friend, and former colleague, called me on my last deployment and told me he was taking a new job. One thing led to another, and he helped me make the very tricky transition from special forces to being a civilian.

I’m incredibly grateful for his trust. I was out of the game for almost a decade and found myself headed back into the restaurant business in NYC - arguably the most competitive market on the planet. And the team was large, 3,000.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was on the plane’s right side, second seat from the back. A window seat. With excitement and no small amount of anxiety, I started writing. Thinking about leadership and what it means to execute. I had “no idea” what to do when I got off that plane. I kept writing.

The result of that flight was the accountability formula. More than a decade later, I still lean on it. It’s easy to get upset, frustrated, and even angry when people don’t deliver. Before you do that, make sure it’s not your fault. Before we can hold people accountable, we owe them a great deal.

The Accountability Formula

Expectations

Describe excellence and be as specific as possible.

Whether you are onboarding a new associate or Chief Financial Officer, be clear on what you want so they can do it. That’s what you’d want, right?

Resources

Do they have what they need?

Time and money can solve most problems. Start there. Also, the physical things to do their work. If you want them to answer the phone, give them a phone. Seems like common sense, but it’s not always common.

Training

The highest leverage activity for a leader is training.

Spend your time there, and you will get it back 10x. Don’t do it, and you are throwing them into the blender. You will watch them spin until their frustration or yours forces them out. Train, train, train.

Feedback & Feedforward

We all want to know when we get it right and when we get it wrong.

Not all feedback is accurate or helpful, but keeping it from someone is unkind. Have the courage to give it early and often. Also, try this. Tell them what you want them to do going forward. Don’t dwell on the past, be clear on the future. By the way, feedback should not be one way. Make it safe for them to tell you how you can support them better. For new teammates, focus on how the two of you communicate. Chances are, you can be better.

Only AFTER you give expectations, resources, training, and feedback can you hold someone accountable. If you haven’t, it’s your fault. Not theirs.

Where else can you use this formula? Anywhere you lead is my answer. I’ve often think about how I got this wrong with the kids over the years. I think it applies there too.

Expectations + Resources + Training + Feedback = Accountability

Now here is the secret. If you want to help enable someone to do their life’s best work, sprinkle all that with inspiration. Inspire them with the mission, your example, your confidence, your patience, and most importantly - your love.

Do me a favor, hit like and send this to one person who might find it helpful too.

Take care, Kelly

PS - For the leaders I support, and I don’t say direct reports because our org chart is upside down, I share a document called “about us.” If you want that, email me.

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"When circumstances scare us, our imagination tends to take over, filling our minds with endless anxieties."

This gem is from Robert Greene’s book The 33 Strategies of War. Knee deep in this massive volume of stories and lessons, I was delightfully surprised when Kindle recommended another book by Greene, The 50th Law.

Robert Greene’s books are big, deep, and well-researched. You may know his others - The 48 Laws of Power, Mastery, and The Laws of Human Nature. He is also a mentor of another best-selling author, Ryan Holiday.

The 50th Law comes from a surprising relationship Greene formed with someone you may know if you grew up in the late ’90s and early 00s or are a hip-hop fan.

50 Cent. Yep, the rapper.

A fan of Greene’s work, 50 and Greene met to discuss possibly doing a book together. Greene would get full access to 50’s life and opens the book with this,

“What excites me about America is its social mobility, people continually rising from the bottom to the top and altering the culture in the process. On another level, however, we remain a nation that lives in social ghettos. Celebrities generally congregate around other celebrities; academics and intellectuals are cloistered in their worlds; people like to associate with those of their kind. If we leave these narrow worlds, it is usually as an observer or tourist of another way of life. What seemed an interesting possibility here was to ignore our surface differences as much as possible and collaborate on the level of ideas—illuminating some truths about human nature that go beyond class or ethnicity.”

An hour after Kindle’s recommendation, I had sucked a good chunk of the book. I’m not done yet, but some points are worth sharing.

Regardless of your opinion of 50, Greene gets you thinking about fear. He cites the “50th law” of power as being fearless. He is not expanding on his 48 laws of power, but instead making the point that 50’s success is his fearlessness.

50 Cent, or Curtis James Jackson III, was born in Queens - South Jamaica. 50’s mother, Sabrina, was killed when he was eight. His grandparents raised him.

At 12, and under the guise of being in after-school programs, 50 started his first business - selling narcotics. A stereotype rapper of the late ’90s, 50, also did time in prison and lived in a violent world. He saw a way out, music.

Not unlike his drug-selling days, he hustled. Mixtapes in the streets, recording in basements, and whatever he had to do to bring his hope to life. Despite his growing popularity, he wasn’t out yet. Someone wanted him dead.

On a spring day in 2000, 50 would take nine rounds from a semi-automatic pistol in front of his grandmother’s house. Incredibly, he survived. He would later describe this as a turning point in his life. No surprise to those that have looked death in the eye and come out the other side. It changes you. From 50,

“When you’ve been in life-threatening situations, you become aware that life is not forever.” -50

He recovered, and in 2002, he signed with Eminem and Dr. Dre. This is from his 2003 track “Many Men (wish me death)”

“Sunny days wouldn't be special if it wasn't for rain

Joy wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for pain.”

50 would have a fascinating career spanning TV, mining (yes, mining), and inspiring the next generation of artists like Pop Smoke. A prolific bankruptcy is also part of his story, which says something.

50 is adamant that he is fearless, and it’s the reason for his success - I’m not convinced. It’s likely the opposite. He is terrified. From 50,

“Fear dominates most people’s lives. Fear of loss. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. Fear of loneliness.”

He is scared of something, and with good reason. His Father abandoned him, his mother died at eight, his freedom was taken away in prison, he watches friends waste away in jail or die, and he is attacked in broad daylight while his grandmother plants petunias. Damn right, he has fears. He just doesn’t let them own him. They motivate him.

He gives some insight into his thoughts with this,

“When you work for others, you are at their mercy. They own your work; they own you. Your creative spirit is squashed. What keeps you in such positions is a fear of having to sink or swim on your own. Instead, you should have a greater fear of what will happen to you if you remain dependent on others for power. Your goal in every maneuver in life must be ownership, working the corner for yourself. When it is yours to lose - you are more motivated, more creative, and more alive. The ultimate power in life is to be completely self-reliant, completely yourself.”

Rely on no one. That’s his mantra. Given his childhood, no surprise he feels this way.

From Greene,

"Your attitude has the power of shaping reality in two opposite directions—one that constricts and corners you in with fear, the other that opens up possibilities and freedom of action…Fear creates its own self-fulfilling dynamic—as people give in to it, they lose energy and momentum. Their lack of confidence translates into inaction that lowers confidence levels even further, on and on.”

Fear has two roles in our life. First, it works to keep you alive. It starts with breathing and eating, but to our detriment, we have allowed it to own parts of our life beyond what we need for survival. David Cain says it better than me,

"As a human being, you come with a natural inclination to overvalue feelings of safety from two great fears: The loss of your resources, and the judgment of others."

The second role fear may be where 50 gets it right. It is the motivator. You take action to protect yourself, and it pushes you. Fear points you in the direction of where you should go.

Your monkey mind plays tricks on you, so be careful. It will create resistance that tries to keep you from your calling. It will tell you stories about how you will lose your resources, or people will judge you. 50 says F$%#K that and does the work. Steven Pressfield describes resistance well in The War of Art,

“Resistance cannot be seen, touched, heard, or smelled. But it can be felt. We experience it as an energy field radiating from a work-in-potential. It’s a repelling force. It’s negative. Its aim is to shove us away, distract us, and prevent us from doing our work.”

What you believe will likely come true. Be careful. There is a voice deep inside you that will work to ‘protect’ you. Its job is to get you to stay alive long enough to procreate. It’s interested in you surviving, not thriving. Sometimes we should listen to that voice and do the opposite of what it is telling us. Go head first into what you fear - the you on the other side will be the real you.

What do we do about it?

First, we get honest with ourselves.

What is scaring you, and what are you really afraid of?

It’s likely some combination of:

• Fearing a loss of resources

• Fearing the judgment of others

Second, take action

Though I started writing this ten years ago, I didn’t publish regularly until last January. We are now 71 weeks in. My fears, which still linger, stopped me. Despite my fears, my family didn’t stop loving me, and I didn’t lose my resources.

Have people unsubscribed because they don’t like what I put out? For sure. But guess what? This community is 3x what it was a year ago. I’m not bragging. I’m sharing that fear is real for everyone (except psychopaths). You aren’t alone. I’m right there with you.

From The 50th Law,

"your fears are a kind of prison that confines you within a limited range of action. The less you fear, the more power you will have and the more fully you will live."

Don’t forget most of what you are afraid of is not real.

Take care,

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A message came in that asked for a document only I had. While walking, I found the file on my phone (a 42-page document), attached it to a teams message, and hit send. Please take a moment. That is some Jetson’s level stuff. It’s incredible, and there is a man that, in many ways, made it possible.

Andy Grove, a first-generation immigrant, arrived in the US in his early 20s. In his memoir, he described his early life this way,

By the time I was twenty, I had lived through a Hungarian Fascist dictatorship, German military occupation, the Nazis’ “Final Solution,” the siege of Budapest by the Soviet Red Army, a period of chaotic democracy in the years immediately after the war, a variety of repressive Communist regimes, and a popular uprising that was put down at gunpoint.

Grove would join Intel corporation as the 3rd employee, become the first COO, and eventually CEO. In 1997, Time magazine chose him as Person of the Year, “the person most responsible for the amazing growth in the power and innovative potential of microchips.”

In addition to his work at Intel, he published seven books, including High Output Management - a personal favorite. Grove is considered the father of the OKRs (Objectives and Key Results) used by many organizations, including mine. High Output Management is chock full of management and leadership wisdom, and I wanted to share a bit with you today. Here are a few of my favorites.

1. How you handle your time is the most important aspect of being a role model and leader.

The only genuinely non-renewable resource we have is time. We can likely make anything else. You have to be aggressive about your time, and it’s hard. It’s hard to say no to people, projects and not be in the room when you have an opinion. This is from Andy,

“To use your calendar as a production-planning tool, you must accept responsibility for two things: 1. You should move toward the active use of your calendar, taking the initiative to fill the holes between the time-critical events with non-time-critical though necessary activities. 2. You should say “no” at the outset to work beyond your capacity to handle.”

Move to active use of your calendar. Use it as a tool. Don’t let it just fill up. Think about what didn’t happen because you were too busy saying yes. Productivity is not being busy. Productivity is creating value.

The most important part about what Andy is saying is that you are a role model. How you spend your time will trickle. You are being watched, and your behaviors become team culture.

Andy also says, “Strategy starts with your calendar.” Think about how you can apply that to your life. Best case, you only have 4,000 weeks. Choose wisely.

1. The task of a manager is to elicit peak performance from his subordinates. A manager has two ways to tackle the issue: through training and motivation.

Teams exist to do what individuals cannot. Most of what happens in the world occurs through the work of teams. Even those that seem like individual contributors to society, I think about artists, have teams. The leader’s job is to maximize team performance.

I challenge Andy’s use of motivation here as I’m not sure it’s possible to motivate someone. It is possible to remind someone what motivates them, whether money, ideology, compensation, or ego (MICE).

People can be inspired to be a part of something bigger than themselves or be more than they thought they could be. That’s where leaders come in. Sprinkle their days with inspiration, and you will see the flywheel of performance pick up speed.

1. Training is one of the highest-leverage activities a manager can perform.

Leaders should find the activities that provide the most leverage. Training is usually top of that list. Don’t delegate it. Don’t outsource it. Do it yourself. Face to face, I care about you, and we are in it together, training.

Be clear on what excellence looks like. And don’t ever forget that before you can hold someone accountable, you owe them clear expectations. Deliver that through world-class training.

1. A manager’s output = the output of their organization + the output of the neighboring organizations under their influence.

Yes, your job is to maximize team performance. Here’s the kicker of what Andy is saying. You are also responsible for the output of neighboring teams. Silos of excellence will kill an organization.

When leaders embrace that they are also responsible for the adjacent performance, silos get torn down.

1. You need to plan the way a fire department plans. It cannot anticipate where the next fire will be, so it has to shape an energetic and efficient team that is capable of responding to the unanticipated as well as to any ordinary event.

Teams get frustrated when their work is interrupted by fire drills created by the customer, the market, or meddling managers. Fire drills are part of your job, and you should plan accordingly.

To not prepare for the inevitable is a dereliction of duty.

1. Decision-making is not a spectator sport, because onlookers get in the way of what needs to be done.

Andy goes on, “Remember that a meeting called to make a specific decision is hard to keep moving if more than six or seven people attend. Eight people should be the absolute cutoff.”

The Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) is real. If you are leading, cut down on the attendees. If you are trying to attend, ask yourself if you need to attend to help or if you are attending because of your ego or insecurity. Again, think about your time and its best use.

I was recently introduced to the Joy of Missing Out (JOMO). There is some joy in letting go and spending time on what you are uniquely qualified to do for the team. Let it go. You don’t have to be in the room.

1. The key to survival is to learn to add more value

Humility allows us to realize everyone is our teacher. We are in a cycle of living and learning to get better. Whether you are an individual contributor, a leader, or an organization, you are compensated to add value. Stop adding value, or worse yet, remove value, and you don’t survive. It’s that simple.

If you want to thrive, keep learning, changing, and adding value to the lives of others.

Let’s get it, friend.

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Hi friend,

Edvard Munch. If you don’t know that name, you probably know his most famous piece—The Scream. Painted in 1893, The Scream has widely been interpreted as representing the universal anxiety of modern man. A pastel version would sell for $119 Million 68 years after Munch’s death.

Munch described his inspiration for the piece this way,

I was walking along the road with two friends – the sun was setting – suddenly, the sky turned blood red – I paused, feeling exhausted, and leaned on the fence – there was blood and tongues of fire above the blue-black fjord and the city – my friends walked on, and I stood there trembling with anxiety – and I sensed an infinite scream passing through nature.

Munch became world-class for three reasons.

1. Repitions Really Really Matter

Do the work

The pastel version gets the headlines but wasn’t the first version. He would make four that we know of, but it’s likely others existed. And while you may know The Scream, Munch was prolific in his production. When he died, he donated nearly 28,000 pieces of his work to the City of Oslo. His volume of production made him world-class.

“When I paint, I never think of selling. People simply fail to understand that we paint in order to experiment and to develop ourselves.” - Edvard Munch

1. Consistency Is THE Differentiator

Practice your craft every day.

To produce 28,000 pieces, Munch would have had to create one piece of art every day from the age of 3 to the day he died at 80. Munch wasn’t alone.

Pablo Picasso completed 13,500 paintings with 100,000 prints and engravings. It’s said that Picasso finished two paintings each day.

Another artist, in a different medium, put a system in place to deliver this kind of consistency - Jerry Seinfeld. When he started in comedy, he committed to writing one joke daily. He put a large calendar on the wall and crossed out each day that he wrote a joke.

“After a few days, you’ll have a chain. You’ll like seeing that chain, especially when you get a few weeks under your belt. Your only job next is not to break the chain.” -Jerry Seinfeld

1. Inspiration & Experimentation

Live. Learn. Repeat.

Picasso, Seinfeld, and Munch sought inspiration from nature, society, and, importantly, fellow artists. They met others, built relationships, learned, and changed. Changed styles, mediums, and priorities.

“To copy others is necessary, but to copy oneself is pathetic.” - Pablo Picasso

Better happens when you consistently do the work. Get that chain going. Whether it’s day zero or day 100 - you have to show up and keep making better.

No one cares how cold, wet, tired, or under-caffeinated you are. Only you can decide if you’ll do the work of you. This is about you and the person you want to be.

Do the reps. Be consistent. And seek change.

Don’t ever forget, the life you want five years from now starts today.

Let’s go get it, friend.

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Hi Friend,

Last summer, the family was off doing their own thing, and I found myself at home alone with three hairy and very barky friends. I didn’t feel obligated to participate in what they were doing. In truth, I wasn’t invited. That allowed me to be alone without pressures, family responsibilities, email, calendars, or other distractions - all guilt-free.

But I wasn’t alone. I was in solitude. Glorious solitude.

This solitude allowed me the space to think and do what I wanted needed. I chose a stack of books, a run or two, and no small amount of just sitting.

“When one is connected to one’s own core is when one is connected to others, I am beginning to discover. And for me, the core, the inner spring, can best be found through solitude." -Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

The idea of solitude is not novel. Anne Lindberg purposefully put herself in solitude when she wrote Gift From The Sea. Pablo Picasso also believed in solitude. He said it best,

“Without great solitude, no serious work is possible” - Pablo Picasso

And just yesterday, from sent me a clipping from a magazine with this from Lady Gaga,

“I’m interested in living more of a life of solitude. It’s nice to have time to be alone, and be expansive, and know you are enough. I wish I could tell my younger self that.” - Lady Gaga

There is a privilege in this exercise. Lady Gaga has problems you and I don’t (be thankful). Bill Gates is in rarified air with his quarterly trip to a cabin on the lake with a stack of books. Obviously, very few can do that. If we leave it at that, we would be making an excuse for inaction.

There is no reason you can’t find an hour alone without distractions and a notebook. It might mean you get up a little earlier, go to bed a little later, or have a conversation with your humans, telling them what you need.

You and I have, if we are lucky, 30,000 sunrises. After we get our eight hours of sleep ;), we have 1,000 minutes every day. If we let it, all those minutes will fill up with a barrage of distractions. Once your eyes open, our phones, humans, and monkey minds start. We have to make space. Space for thought, deep work, and for ourselves.

"In complete solitude, I stop objectifying myself. In the bush I don’t think of myself on some social hierarchy. I don’t define my value as a comparison with others. The birds and animals don’t judge me. It’s a kind of healing in which I become human again. In complete solitude, we are not a concept of ourselves; we are ourselves." -Boyd Varty, The Lion Tracker's Guide to Life

Solitude allows us time to reflect on what is important, gain perspective, and respond to the world. In solitude, you have space to consider how to respond while everyone else is busy reacting.

I’ll leave you with this, again from Anne Lindbergh.

"I must find a balance somewhere, or an alternating rhythm between these two extremes; a swinging of the pendulum between solitude and communion, between retreat and return. In my periods of retreat, perhaps I can learn something to carry back into my worldly life." -Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

You might not be able to carve a week away at a lakeside cabin, but can you find an hour over the next week to spend with yourself in solitude?

Nothing electronic. Just you, a notebook, and your thoughts (as scary as that might be). Be gentle with yourself. We are all a work in progress.

Hug your humans,

Thanks for reading Better Today Than Yesterday (BTTY)! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

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Hi friend,

A warrior once said to me,

“Silos of excellence, that’s the US government.”

I will keep her name classified. At the time, she had worked for the federal government for more than 20 years. Probably 30, I can’t remember.

We had formed a connection, and for her counsel, I was grateful. She kept me out of a sticky situation or two and helped me get into ones that made a difference.

She was with a three-letter agency that affects US policy in places that end in stan or are republics of the banana or vodka variety. Her fluency in Russian, tradecraft, and no BS attitude would take her to other places that mattered even more (hint: we all recently learned how to pronounce the capital correctly).

Silos are Deadly

If you’ve worked in an organization that takes more than a couple of pizzas to feed, you have experienced silos. While I love silos on the skyline, I hate them inside organizations. They are the barrier to high performance. The reasons for their existence vary with more factors than we have pixels to discuss, but two proliferate.

Communication Is Key

In new organizations, it’s often simple. The new humans don’t know the other new humans in their neighboring silo. Culture is likely less to blame here. Instead, it’s communication. It’s that party as an awkward teenager or introverted adult - you gravitate to who you know. We crave familiarity, and when we establish relationships, we return often. The solution is easy (ish).

Buy more pizzas and get people talking. Focus on communication, connection, and building community. Educate each other on who we are and what we do.

Competition Is Killing You…From The Inside

In mature organizations, it’s a bit more complicated. Limited resources like time, money, and glory may encourage people to build defensive walls. Pay particular attention to glory. This is another word for credit, career path, or compensation (not just the money part).

If you sense this, be warned - you must act quickly. Chances are, the leader of that team is the instigator or, at a minimum, bears some fault. Their ego, selfishness, or insecurity is causing the behavior. Be swift in your action.

It’s A Leadership Issue

You need leaders to solve it—leaders who consider the entire team. You have to wage war, but it doesn’t have to be clandestine. Be loud, specific, and consistent. This is from Ben Horowitz:

"There are two kinds of cultures in this world: cultures where what you do matters and cultures where all that matters is who you are. You can be the former, or you can suck."

From General Jim Mattis:

"I don’t care how operationally brilliant you are; if you can’t create harmony—vicious harmony—on the battlefield, based on trust across different military services, foreign allied militaries, and diplomatic lines, you need to go home, because your leadership is obsolete."

Harmony is not always the answer. With the door shut, encourage disharmony. Kicking, screaming, and fighting are welcome. If you make decisions without disagreement, you probably need to try harder.

When the door opens, there can be no silos or friction. You must work your A$$ off to create harmony between teams. Communication, and the resulting trust, are execution grease. This takes work, time, and humility.

If you lead humans, ask yourself each night, “Did my actions today make the team better or worse?” Whatever your answer, you have another shot in about eight hours to break down silos and insist on mission-focused harmony.

Take Aways:

1. If the teams are new, connection and education (Who are the humans? What do they do?) is the answer. Be intentional about establishing connective tissues across teams.

2. If competition is driving silos, look at the leaders. Be clear on your expectations. If they don’t deliver, take action.

3. Leaders exist to make teams more effective. Do that enough days in a row, and you will accomplish your mission. Both for the team and for yourself. Consistency, care, and conviction - every day.

Thanks for reading Better Today Than Yesterday (BTTY)! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

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Hi friend,

I’ve been giving some thought to problems lately. I’ve concluded that two questions really matter.

Life is full of joy, excitement, and winning - probably more than most of us tend to see. That said, try and see all the bright sides you want, but life will show up, punch you in the face, and drop a box of problems at your feet with a cheery “Hey, I think these are yours.”

Sometimes they are big curl-up-in-the-fetal position problems, and others, like Starbucks’ vicious change to its rewards program, are less severe.

1 Who will solve life’s problems with you?

You came screeching into this world focused on solving the problems of eating, pooping, and sleeping. From that day to when you log out for the last time and start pushing up daisies, you will move from one problem to the next. Some of your problems are real, and some are imaginary. All need solving.

Problems range from high-class problems, like the aforementioned Starbucks assault on star-redeeming dreams everywhere, to cry-your-eyes-out problems. The latter often involves giving money to doctors, lawyers, or undertakers - and sometimes all three.

Although not always easy, your perception is the one thing you can control. We should all “look on the bright side,” “stay positive,” and “remember this too shall pass.” Let’s also recognize it’s not all sunshine and roses - live long enough we each stagger through thunderstorms and claw our way through poison ivy.

Living is problem-solving. Stop solving problems, and you stop living.

Your problem-solving partner (s) is your life's most important decision. Who will stand next to you at the funerals or the hospital bed? Who will ride that storm out at the top of the mast screaming in the face of adversity? Who will help you dance through the rain out into the rainbow? It’s never too late to get it right. And it’s never too late to fix the relationships that you want.

2 What problems do you want to solve for a living?

Work - you get compensated by someone because you solve problems for them. Whether you plow driveways, teach history, pull espresso shots, make art, spreadsheet to your heart’s delight, lead teams, or raise kids (particularly this one) - you are solving problems.

Find work where you LOVE solving the problems you face every day, and you will love your work. The problems will never end, and you should be grateful for that. If they do, the work ends. When that happens, solving life’s problems gets harder.

Only some have the privilege of being selective about their work. For those that do, and it’s more than we think, go after the problems you love solving.

Whatever you do, don’t pick work that solves your constructed status problems - they don’t matter. The only people who care about your title or how much you make are people who want something from you.

Problem-Solving Is Living

Deeply appreciate that life is problem-solving. Stop solving problems, and we don’t live. To optimize for living, let’s get these two questions to get right:

1. Who will be your problem-solving partner?

2. What problems will you solve for compensation?

Be careful - most of what we worry about never happens anyways. I hope you and I have the clarity to see the real problems from the imaginary. When we can be that problem-solving partner someone needs, let’s show up.

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You are the only one here for the whole ride. Fortunately, we will have friends and foes join us along the way. They will teach us, torment us, and one day they will leave us.

"There is nothing worse than having nobody important in your life, yet we easily take for granted these precious, fleeting overlaps as they are happening."

(David Cain, This Will Never Happen Again)

When this is over, you will look back at your life and see it was a trail of encounters — moments when we overlapped with someone, either by choice or chance.

Our lives crossed for a minute, year, or lifetime. We became different in some way. Large or small, that overlap changed us forever. Moments of joy, sadness, and other moments we never noticed.

Like atoms, moments make up our lives. Unless we take the time to see them, we won’t. The door held open by a stranger on a cold day, the coffee cup lovingly left out for you by your partner, or the fact that the sun came up again today and you were here to see it. Don’t let your haste waste these moments.

Every second we have an opportunity to recognize something or someone special.

The overlap will end one day. Maybe it already has. Let’s appreciate it when we have it and honor the overlap with our attention. The moments together - the good and the bad - are ours to make and cherish. Every moment counts.

Let’s respect that we are all a work in progress and love the imperfections. We are all imperfect, trying to live our perfect life.

Take care,

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Coming at you this week with a few thoughts from Peter Drucker’sbook The Effective Executive.

As this is my second or third most highlighted book, I've widdled down these down to just over a dozen with some effort. No promises that this will be the last time I bring you wisdom from Mr. Drucker. Let’s get into it.

1. “Only three things happen naturally in organizations: Friction, Confusion, and Underperformance. Everything else requires leadership.”

This happens when leaders stop showing up, providing clarity, care, competence, and acting with conviction. Now let’s talk about some things to avoid devolving into balls of friction, confusion, and suck.

1. “The crucial question is not how can I achieve but how can I contribute.”

Regardless of where you are, came from, or your struggles, you can give more to the world, and your team, than you take.

Also, leaders have a choice. They can create environments where ‘team’ is a verb or one where we try to elbow each other in the face. We do that with our actions, compensation structures, and the behavior we tolerate/reward.

1. “Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.”

I have yet to find someone who says, “I’d like to be actively managed each day.” People want to be helped, supported, mentored, advised, coached, and led, but no one wants to be managed. Let’s be leaders, not managers.

1. “The purpose of organizations is to enable ordinary humans to do extraordinary things.”

If individuals could do what teams do, we wouldn’t need teams. A leader's job is to facilitate performance and help teams/people find their potential. Sometimes that’s as simple as getting out of their way.

1. “Our job in life is to make a positive difference, not prove we are right.”

This comes with the added benefit that you and everyone around you will be happier when you give up trying to prove you are right.

1. “The greatest danger in times of turbulence is not the turbulence. It’s yesterday’s logic.”

When the stress comes, and the fog rolls in, clarity is everything. Slow down, ask the right questions, and seek help with the answers. Leaders must be decisive but can’t believe everything they think.

ProTip: As you get older, keep young people as advisors. They will see things you won’t.

1. “Listening, the first competency of leadership, is not a skill, it’s a discipline. All you have to do is keep your mouth shut.”

😶

1. “Change is the norm; unless an organization sees that its task is to lead change, it will not survive.”

Someone is building something right now to do what you do, but better. Whether you want to believe it or not, that’s the truth. You can sit in your warm hut making s’mores, but at some point, the marshmallows burn, you’ll run out of graham crackers, and the wolves kick in the door and eat you. Or, you can step out into the storm and face reality.

The only way to survive is to keep moving, foraging for ideas, nourishing them, encouraging them, and reshaping your organization. As General Eric Shinseki said, “If you don’t like change, you are going to like irrelevance even less.”

1. “Without an action plan, the executive becomes a prisoner of events”

Living at the top of your inbox, reacting to what is happening, and cleaning up mess after mess is a sure way to make your way into the irrelevant-ville.

If you lead an organization and don’t spend 10-20% of your time on long-term thought and action, you should consider a change. Do you need to spend one full day a week planning? Maybe not, but if you are an executive and exclusively spend your days fighting fires instead of building the next-generation fire suppression system, you probably aren’t effective.

Drucker says, “We must not starve our biggest opportunities because we’re so busy throwing ourselves at our biggest problems and dwelling on past mistakes.”

1. “Plans are only good intentions unless they immediately degenerate into hard work.”

Slidedecks are one thing, but having that hard conversation, cutting that product, stopping that process, hiring that team, or taking that big risk is what matters. If it’s worth it, it’s going to be hard. Get to work and focus on what matters. Drucker reminds us: “There are two types of people: Those that produce results and those that give reasons why they don’t.”

1. “If there is any one secret to effectiveness, it’s concentration. Effective executives do first things first and do them one at a time.”

Your work is hard, and your decisions are complex. Find the space and discipline to focus on one thing at a time. Multi-tasking is anti-effective.

1. “There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently what shouldn’t be done”

We spend time keeping the ‘trains on the tracks’, but maybe we should let them come off the tracks. Perhaps the trains are on the wrong tracks. Maybe we shouldn’t have trains at all. It’s like when Netflix offered to sell itself to Blockbuster for $50M and they laughed.

Don’t be afraid to walk away from sunk costs, whether that’s sunk time, money, or emotions. You are only sinking more the longer you don’t make the hard decision. Everything great was built on courage.

1. “The larger the animal becomes, the more resources have to be devoted to the mass and to the internal tasks, to circulation and information, to the nervous system, and so on.”

As you build your plan, don’t underestimate the inefficiencies created by overstaffing. Hire carefully, not only for culture but for effectiveness. Be careful that you don’t hire to compensate for incompetence because you might become 100% focused on internal problems and not even know the wolves are circling.

1. “To focus on weakness is not only foolish; it is irresponsible,”

Organizations are the sum of our strengths and weaknesses. Knowing where you add the most value will let you lean in, and you can mitigate or change where you are weak.

Teams exist because they do what individuals cannot do on their own. Drucker reminds us, “Strong people always have strong weaknesses, too…Cultivate a deep understanding of yourself - not only your strengths and weaknesses but also how you learn, how you work with others, what your values are, and where you can make the greatest contribution. Because only when you operate from strengths can you achieve excellence.”

This is just a taste, and I recommend The Effective Executive to anyone who asks. If you’d like to see all my highlights, send me a note, and I’ll send them your way.

Here are the takeaways:

• Know yourself: Embrace your incompetence and lean on your superpowers. After all, this is a team sport.

• Teams Are How The Ordinary Do The Extraordinary: But be careful, without leadership, teams naturally devolve into “friction, confusion, and underperformance.”

• Bigger Is Usually Not Better: Keep your team as small as possible to be effective. Get too big, and you spend all your time managing - and no one wants to be managed or manage.

• Change or Die: Someone is trying to make you irrelevant and kill you. Don’t help them.

• The Best Relentlessly Focus: Thoughtful prioritization, planning, and a relentless focus on execution is required. Don’t get distracted by your inbox. Make prioritization your priority.

Now go get it.

If you found this helpful, hit like, leave a comment, or share it with one other person who might find it helpful too. Or do all of those ;). I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments or other things you’d like me to explore.

Onward,

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2,240 Were World Class

2,240 women participated in March Madness. This small group of elite women reached the pinnacle and represented only .00000028% of the world's population. A young girl watching with 9 million of their friends last month (a record!) has nearly no chance of attending that dance. So why try?

There is no rational reason, but fortunately, humans have a unique ability to be irrational. For love, we often choose irrational paths.Sometimes we stay on those paths, and other timesthe world convinces us why ‘rational’ is better.

You Suck At Most Things

And so does everyone else.

If I put 100 tasks in front of you, likely, you aren’t good at most of them. And there is almost no chance you are world-class at one. That’s true for you, me, and everyone on the planet.

Unfortunately, society, media, and even our closest friends tell us a different story - look at this, at me, and this is easy—the athletes, artists, parents, and everyone in between. There’s no mal-intent (usually). We don’t get to see the whole journey - the first draft, the first try, or even that call from a friend at the right moment that keeps them from tapping out. The secret, everyone sucks when they start. Everyone.

I worry about the kids afraid of looking foolish because they see the ‘finished product’ in today’s media-rich world. Scratch that. I worry about everyone. The toddler, tweener, twenty-something, and even this guy approaching his 5th decade. When does our ego get in the way of joy or potential?

There is something liberating about recognizing your unspecialness.

Sitting with a special friend on the first warm (ish) day of the year, I came across this paragraph.

"The rare people who do become truly exceptional at something do so not because they believe they’re exceptional. On the contrary, they become amazing because they’re obsessed with improvement. And that obsession with improvement stems from an unerring belief that they are, in fact, not that great at all. It’s anti-entitlement. People who become great at something become great because they understand that they’re not already great—they are mediocre, they are average—and that they could be so much better." (Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck)*

Whether you want to be a writer, athlete, or ‘just’ a parent trying to shepherd your kids into adulthood a little less messed up than you…it will be hard. The irrational path of better is not paved. It’s littered with trip hazards, potholes, and an internal voice trying to send you off the cliff in a burning fireball of failure. We are walking this path together. Here are two things we can do together.

1. Embrace Your Suck

Let’s check our ego at the door, pick up our bag of suck, and get to work - get obsessed with improving the right things…maybe some new things. A 1% improvement each day means that in a year, you will be more than 3 x better than you are today. It’s going to suck because you suck. Embrace it. Hug it, squeeze it, and hold it close. This is hard stuff.

Be warned. It may include late-night crying sessions when you don’t know how to keep going (said every parent, ever…I know I’m not alone…someone, please tell me I’m not alone). It will require friends to lean on, real or imagined. Right now, I’m channeling Stephen King - the sober one, not the alcoholic one writing for Playboy…but it worked for him! He sucked until he didn’t suck. Talk about reps. Good golly, that guy knows how to embrace the suck.

And with all of this, it may mean you still don’t make the ESPN highlight reel, publish that book, land that job, or whatever. Nothing is guaranteed except you have zero chance of living up to your potential if you don’t start.

Today, I’m trying to focus on living up to my potential as a friend, father, and partner. 1) I have work to do 2) the pay is higher, and 3) the dividends aren’t subject to quarterly earnings.

I’m accepting accountability partners for anyone that wants to keep me honest.

1. Be A Fan

Let’s celebrate progress. We all need fans on the irrational paths we choose. As those closest to you make progress, tell them. When you see excellence, call it out loudly. Whether it’s your kid, your coworker, the new barista, or that wonderful human staring at you as you floss - help them see the hole they have dug out of on their way to who they are trying to be.

Now grab your satchel of suck and get to work. And don’t forget that guy that just cut you off on your way to your 3rd Starbucks today; he’s doing the best he can too.

Embrace the suck, friend.

Onward, Kelly

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Beliefs come into our lives and often get stuck. They become a part of us — beliefs about ourselves, the world, how things should be, or how they could be. Like sweaters, we collect them, and they stack up in our closet. From time to time, we should see which are worth keeping, sharing, or tossing. Here is an idea I came across:

“Read less, study less, but think more.”

That is from Leo Tolstoy in a book of wonderful quotes he put together. In today’s society, it’s counterintuitive. It even contradicts what I suggested when discussing the power of reading.

Here are a few questions to ask ourselves:

• What do you believe?

• What did you believe?

• What belief have you abandoned as true in the last year?

Chances are, if your answer to that last question was nothing, you aren’t trying hard enough.

Maybe we aren’t wrong about most things, but we are wrong about many things. There is value in sitting with your thoughts and thinking about what you think.

In our hustle to be productive, sitting with pen, paper, and your thoughts is likely not on the top of your to-do list. On your journey to be better and be who you want to be, is it possible that there is no more important task? Your beliefs, right or wrong, color your actions.

Maybe it’s time to make time for quite a reflection. And as you do, take this from Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations:

"Socrates used to call popular beliefs “the monsters under the bed”—only useful for frightening children."

Take care, friend.

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I have a thing about station wagons: big ones, small ones, dark ones, light ones, and particularly dog-filled ones. When I see one, I get distracted from whatever I’m doing. Make, model, and other questions whiz by. What’s driving this?

On the way to dinner with Princess Buttercup, we got into one. I started fantasizing about how great life would be if I had one. The absurdity of my happiness connected to a car helped me realize there have been a lot of station wagons in my life. Grandma’s black one, granddad’s big brown one, and then there was Paco’s giant yellow submarine.

I remember Paco’s workhorse filled with tools, scuba gear, and dogs. We’d drive on the left on that little island and rumble through corners on a bench seat, hoping a tourist wasn’t around the bend confused they were back on the mainland. I still hear Paco’s foot click the switch on the floor. This marvel of 1970s technology engaged the bright lights. Pre-teen me loved that sound. Click-click. Click-click.

Granddad’s brown one overflowed with big dogs. Big brown and white dogs. They were often wet with big slobber and even more hair. Those smells bring back grandad’s smile and mornings with buttered raisin toast. Those are happy smells.

Still going through cross-town traffic, I realized why I wanted a station wagon. It’s deep, it’s emotional, and it’s been with me for a long time. It’s memories. It’s the sand-filled floorboards, dog hair swirling with the open windows, or that last drive to dinner with grandma. Maybe I think a station wagon will bring them back into my life, if only for a moment.

Where do desires come from?

Our desire to work someplace, be something, or go somewhere? Why do we want those clothes, that car, that house, that job, that title, that person, or those commas in our bank account?

Our desires aim to fill our lives with something we perceive as missing. Often our desires are driven by seeing what others have or do. Our ability to mimic others is deep in our DNA. If they are ‘successful,’ they have a better chance of surviving, and I want what they have too. Sometimes that means we do things we shouldn’t. Or try to be people we shouldn’t. Don’t forget, just because you can win the game doesn’t mean you should play.

Happiness is the absence of desire.

Maybe one day, you and I will be able to eliminate desire. For me, that day is not today. As a first step, let’s work to understand our desires, their genesis, and how they shape our actions and emotions.

I want a station wagon because it connects me to half a dozen people no longer here.

Questions To Ask Yourself

• Where are you blind?

• What are the things in your life you are chasing and why?

• What stories are you telling yourself?

• What fears own you and are connected to something deep?

• Do they exist because you are trying to cover up a scar, continue a narrative, or compensate for [fill in your blank]?

Digging in might help you recognize your why. Maybe you don’t change course, but at least you know why you’re going where you’re going - and that matters. Don’t blindly follow your desires, or worse, the desires put on you by others.

It’s okay to have desires. Just don’t let them own you. The more you want tomorrow, the less you can enjoy today.

All easier said than done.

Go gently, friend. Take care,

If you liked this, you might like this one too:

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TL;DR

1. Insecurity is natural. Mixing it with ego and ambition can kill your dreams.

2. The first step to managing your insecurities is recognizing them. Look in the mirror and get real. Therapy, journaling, and meditation can help.

3. Insecurity becomes crippling anxiety for 1 in 10. Help when you can and get help if you need it. It’s okay to not be okay.

4. So far, you have survived 100% of the bad things this life has thrown at you - chances are you will figure out whatever comes next. Go get to work.

This passage from Bill Walsh floated into my life recently, and it sparked some serious consideration about insecurity.

"But there is another side [of ego] that can wreck a team or an organization. That is being distracted by your own importance.

It can come from your insecurity in working with others. It can be the need to draw attention to yourself in the public arena. It can be a feeling that others are a threat to your own territory.

These are all negative manifestations of ego, and if you are not alert to them, you get diverted and your work becomes diffused.

Ego in these cases makes people insensitive to how they work with others and ends up interfering with the real goal of any group efforts."

My Insecurity

This voice is in my head, planting seeds throughout my day—seeds of doubt. I’m not good enough, this person doesn’t like me, my muffin top stands out in this bathing suit, or this [..insert catastrophic thing..] is going to happen, or all the good I have will end in a brilliant fireball perpetuated by my incompetence, my irrational feelings, or my ego.

The voices of doubt, perhaps more aptly described as insecurity, whisper sweet evils about my life, relationships, and work. They love to talk to me about my failings as a father. I particularly think about how my insecurities and desires affect the boys.

The good news? My journey of self-reflection brings me to a place where I can write the words you just read and be okay with all of you knowing too. My daily routine includes work to identify, mitigate and marginalize those feelings. It takes a process, and it is a process. More on that in a bit.

Despite my work, they still show up and play havoc with my days and sometimes with my humans. What has changed for me is my ability to recognize these thoughts when they show up. Sometimes I let them hang out and berate me. Other times I successfully put them where they belong, seeing them for the vicious heathens they are and their mission to kill my progress.

Once in a while, I have to phone a friend for an assist. A word of affirmation, a perspective I can’t see, or even a swift kick to get my stuff together. A few of those friends are reading this now. I am incredibly grateful. We all need friends like you.

What is insecurity?

Insecurity: A state or feeling of anxiety, fear, or self-doubt

Synonyms include: instability, precariousness, shakiness, unstableness, and unsteadiness

Insecurity’s cousin, anxiety, can be more than voices. It can be crippling. At some point in life, 13 percent of Americans will cross the line into social anxiety disorder, meaning insecurity that gets in the way of living the life people want

What is important to know, and well beyond my expertise, is that this can also be a biological issue. I’ll leave it to you to unpack the diagnosable types of insecurity and implore you to recognize it as real as it affects at least 1 in 10 humans you interact with daily. That is an incredible statistic.

The next time you are with a group of friends, at your weekly “this could have been an email” meeting, or maybe at your dinner table, look around - someone is struggling. Go easy. Maybe you can be that friend I mentioned earlier.

Back to the rest of us who are only moderately impaired occasionally (okay, daily). Can we eliminate insecurity? Do we want to? It turns out that 1% of the population has managed to do just that - we call them psychopaths. Don’t spend too much time beating yourself up. Insecurity plays a role in our life, and that is okay.

The Benefits of Insecurity

If insecurity sparks a thought from time to time, that’s okay. What is not okay is letting your ego manipulate you with your thoughts. The combination of ego, ambition, and insecurity is deadly - at work, at home, and in your head.

This deadly cocktail caughtup with Ludwig Van Beethoven and in 1802 he talked about his struggles in a note. He disccused where his insecurity as his hearing faded and you can see it tangled up in his ego and ambition. It was destroying him.

“what a humiliation when one stood beside me and heard a flute in the distance and I heard nothing, or someone heard the shepherd singing and again I heard nothing, such incidents brought me to the verge of despair, but little more and I would have put an end to my life”

Abraham Maslow, as he often does, gives us a piercing version of an insecure person:

“perceiving the world as a threatening jungle and most human beings as dangerous and selfish; feels rejected and isolated, anxious and hostile.”

Seeds of Doubt

Maybe you don’t go as far as to say most people are dangerous and selfish, but when you are at your worst, it’s possible you see a dangerous jungle filled with monsters.

Seeds of doubt are in all of us and can germinate into fear. They will, at a minimum, hold you back from your potential and, if fed by your ego, could destroy your relationships, work, or life.

The jungle is mostly trees, not monsters. Respond to reality, don’t react to your imagination. Time travelling too far into the future is not helpful. This is where we tell ourselves stories about our partner leaving us, never finding a partner, losing our job, losing our children, or [..insert that thing that you hold dear or is deeply connected to your identity..].

Self Awareness, Self Control

The grey matter between your ears has refined the skill of telling you what you need to survive over millions of years. Is it telling you the truth? Does it want you to thrive or just survive to make more little you’s?

Mark Mason, in his piece on self-awareness, wrote:

”Self-awareness is like great sex: everyone thinks they have a ton of it, but in reality, no one knows what the F$k they’re doing.”

This is all real work. It’s mirror work. It’s looking in the mirror and getting real. You aren’t alone, and we need to do this work.

Real Actions

• Talk to someone: Our insecurities are real and may be rooted in trauma, biology, or a combination. If it’s severe, or even if it’s not, talk to someone. It’s okay not to be okay. If you break your arm, you go to the doctor. Why is your brain any different? It’s not, society has made it a stigma, but thankfully that stigma is slowly fading.

• Talk to yourself: Journaling is extremely powerful. When your thoughts get on paper or pixels, they stare back at you. Reading what is coming out helps decipher the rational from the irrational. I talk about my practice here.

Let’s go back to our friend Beethoven. In the same writing session, he came full circle from death to a way forward: “Patience - I must now choose for my guide. I have done so, and I hope my determination will remain firm to endure.”

• Train Your Mind: Nature works to identify threats, and not all of them are real. Meditation helps you get to the point where you can see thoughts for what they are in real-time during your day - that is a superpower. Don’t overthink this (that’s ironic). Start with a minute a day and go from there. While sitting alone and quiet with your thoughts is scary, identifying those thoughts as they come and go matters. You have to pay attention. Autopilot can take over, and suddenly your habits, impulses, and thoughts have you careening into a cliff.

Let’s Get Real

Your insecure voices are real, but their stories aren’t. And I’ll tell you a little secret: those voices are real for everyone else too. Whether you worrying about what people will say when they see you in a bathing suit (no one cares, I try to remind myself) or whether you will lose your job - go easy. So far, you have survived 100% of the bad things this life has thrown at you - chances are you will figure out whatever comes next. Let’s go get to work, friend.

Take care,

PS - I you have any questions about my version of the practices I laid out above, please drop them in the comments.

And here is a photo of cooper being anything but insecure. :).

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A book, coffee, and porridge sit with me in an empty dining room. With no calendar appointments and no emails, it’s peaceful. This feels more right than the usual mornings. A gentle human who is the cook, attendant, and server moves effortlessly, lighting his way with his smile. I am going to miss this place.

We are tucked into a little harbor in Norway. The small town of Bergen has shuffled people and goods for a thousand years. The history is deep, and the people are lovely.

We were here for less than 24 hours. Four museums last night, local fare (don’t ask), street art, and a protest, all capped by Avatar Norwegian style. We won’t forget this day any time soon.

The trip has worked incredibly well — eight adventurous days of planes, trains, sleds, boats, automobiles, and an energetic cohort of huskies without catastrophic delays or cancellations. With our last leg home today, I am nervous. If anything goes wrong, we miss Christmas. Already, there is a potential issue - I can’t check in for our flight, and our assigned seats have disappeared.

May astute 12 year old travel partner shows up and, as he has done several times already this trip, tells me my timing is off and we are late. Given the ticket issue, we wanted to be at the airport early. He shakes me out of my bliss. I drop my head in silent defeat. He’s right again.

Living in NYC, we can get almost anything delivered. A ride or lunch comes quickly, while a llama may take a few hours - depending on traffic.

The front desk agent assured me that an Uber (sorry, no Lyft here) would be easy and fast. I flip to the app, and it tells me Mohamed is 26 minutes away. That’s not going to work. It dawns on me that she might consider that fast. There is a lesson there, but my stress is rising.

I share our problem with her, and she returns to her first suggestion an hour ago, the bus. “It picks you up right out front,” she says for the second time this morning. “It’s what I’d do.” Why didn’t I take her advice earlier? Habit? Comfort? Control?

We grab our bags and bounce through the door with a wave. She is, like her complimentary breakfast-serving colleague, lovely. She smiles at us as we push through ancient doors and into the crisp, dark morning.

The cobblestones are damp, and the city is quiet. Our hotel sits across from another hotel with a patch of well-manicured landscaping between the two. Behind us, the harbor lights shift gently. We wait.

I hold my concern deep inside. That’s what parents do, right? Stay calm. Stay positive. Worst case scenario, we have Christmas together on this side of the Atlantic. I feel incredible gratitude that I’m standing here with my son. We will figure it out together.

Cobblestone Lessons

A few moments later, headlights rumble toward us. Without slowing, the bus whips past us and around the U-shape end of the street. My heart drops. At what seems like the last moment, brake lights flash on, and it glides to a stop. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t a tour bus.

The doors open, and a lean 70-something determined face comes down the stairs with intensity. No smile this time, but a clear desire to help. He starts grabbing bags, and we help by tossing ours under the bus. I feel an immediate kinship with him. I know he wants to be helpful, but he’s dispensing with the pleasantries choosing to show his kindness through action. Suddenly, I think about how my family might feel on our road trips and commit to slowing down on the next one.

A handful of languages fill the bus. I sit shyly behind our driver and start making up a story about his life. I imagine a tiny cottage up on the hill overlooking the harbor. A floor lamp casts a warm glow over a well-worn but comfortable chair. A stack of books waits patiently for his return. He will light a fire tonight, slide his six-foot-something frame into that chair, and pick up where he left off. Or maybe, I’m projecting what I’d like to do tonight.

Small photos of his now grown children with his grandkids rest on the side table with a crescent moon out the window. A photo of his wife sits next to his stack of books. Her photo is a recent addition - she passed away last year. It feels like no one is there taking care of him. He’s not eating enough.

“How long were they married?” I wonder to myself as I continue making up a story. I envision two doting daughters and their surprise that he took this job driving a bus. It’s work he does to fill his day as he misses her dearly. Again, I might be projecting but this time one of my deepest fears.

My quiet storytelling is interrupted by a semi-pleading voice, “he’s getting a cup of coffee,” she says. He meets her worry with a patient nod of acceptance, and she feels better. He is being kind, but I can feel his anxiety as his head slowly turns back toward the hotel entrance. Christmas is on the line, and I suppress my desire to tell her we don’t have time. Does her husband know his quest for caffeine is delaying the entire bus?

While I’m not sharing it with my son, I’m VERY worried that there is something wrong with our tickets. Why do I do this to myself? I should have been at the airport already, and this stress wouldn’t exist. Another lesson there.

The only sign of our driver’s impatience is the methodical but slow tapping of his long index finger on the black steering wheel. We both stare out the massive windscreen at the little yellow light of the hotel’s front door, willing it to open. I imagine he is saying the same thing I am “really?!”

Our coffee-carrying comrade emerges. He unhurriedly makes his way toward us and up the stairs. Somehow our driver suppresses any frustration and still greets the reason for our delay with kindness. Coffee in hand, he gets on without a word.

With the door barely closed, we barrel up the street, and coffee man unapologetically plops down three rows behind me. Two quick left turns, and we are forced to stop again. The brake lights of another bus sit under a red traffic light.

While I can’t see our driver’s eyes, I imagine they close briefly while he takes a deep breath. He can’t seem to win this morning. At this point, I’m sure he has an award back at the bus depot for the number of on-time trips. His picture hangs beside a long row of coat hooks on a grey wall above a wooden bench. We wait.

There is no traffic in these pre-dawn hours. These two whale-like creatures sit quietly, facing the shifting lights in the harbor. A minute goes by, then two. I study our driver for a reaction. I know what would happen in NYC, and I brace myself.

It’s been long enough, and he unbuckles his seatbelt. His white short sleeve shirt and thin black tie, like something out of pulp fiction, are a blur as he makes his way down the stairs into the frigid morning. He walks to the driver’s window and gestures to the curb. Bus driver wisdom is being exchanged here.

It turns out these stoplights have sensors in the road. The bus in front of us pulls up another 12 inches, and immediately the opposing light changes. I shake my head slightly as admiration washes over me as our driver calmly walks back towards us.

I think about how I would have responded to this morning’s events. Would I have waited patiently for a passenger to get his coffee while a few dozen others risked being late? Or would I have gone into the hotel to drag that oblivious man out by his designer scarf? Or maybe, I would have just left?

How would I have handled the wait at the stop light? Would I have calmly helped like he did or leaned on the horn? Had I tried to help, would I have explained it with kindness, or would I have made them feel incompetent?

I want to think I would have had his grace. I’m not so sure.

We make our way to the airport with urgency and perhaps a few shortcuts through residential neighborhoods to gain lost time :). An equally wonderful human inside the surprisingly modern airport helped us get our tickets sorted, and we made it home for another wonderful Christmas together.

It was an incredible trip — the northern lights, the fjords, the art, and especially the people. I will cherish the memories with my son and the bits of wisdom laid down on those cobblestones that morning in Bergen by our bus driver.

Here’s to patience, family, adventure, and warm memories. Let’s enjoy every moment together.

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Kelly Vohs: [00:00:00] I love historical fiction. Love! And I think it's the weaving of the stories, learning about what's happened. One of my favorite books is called Pillars of the Earth. And it follows a life of a medieval peasant. And that peasant ends up becoming a stone mason and playing a very significant role in the building of a cathedral.

Then cathedrals would take more than a lifetime to create. He knew he would never see it to completion. His job, although more complicated than others, was to ensure that bricks were laid with precision and thoughtfulness. Some of them by his hand and some of them by others. And Oliver Berkman, in his book 4,000 Weeks talks about this.

He talks about the idea, and I'm paraphrasing, what if we could just be medieval stone masons? We just do our work knowing we'll never see it to completion or get credit. I love this idea. Let's be medieval stone masons.

We show up each day, and we lay our bricks. The next right thing. We do it with thoughtfulness and precision, and hopefully, we do it with people we love. Knowing that our work together will add up to something important, something for our community, something useful.

We're never going to see it to completion, and we won't get credit. So let's live our lives like medieval stonemasons. The next right thing, the next right brick. And let's do it with people we care about to make something for our community. Medieval stonemasons. Let's do that. I hope you're good.

Take care,

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[00:00:00] I was thinking about one of my favorite books I read a decade ago: Wooden on Leadership by Coach John Wooden. He was the head coach of the UCLA Bruins for quite a while, and they won 10 NCAA national championships for basketball. And I wanted to get this book, and I wanted to get it back in my hands. I wanted a hard copy.

So I ordered it and showed up, opened it, and it fell on a page immediately. There it was.

Coach Wooden was talking about hats. And in specific, he was talking about hat racks, and he said if you're gonna be a good teacher or leader, you have to have a good hat rack. Cause you're gonna wear lots of hats.

You Will Wear Lots of Hats

You're gonna be a coach, and you're gonna be a counselor. You're gonna be a timekeeper, a disciplinarian, a quality control expert, and a psychologist. You're gonna be all those things. And you gotta know when to reach out and put on a different hat.

It happened to me this week. I was sitting there talking to someone, a great human, and I knew at that moment I needed to put on Coach hat. Reach up, put it on, and lean into being a coach right then and there.

Be Aware When You Need To Change Hats

They needed a coach. And so I did that. But I don't think knowing when to shift gears to put on the right hat is easy. Sometimes just a listener hat, and sometimes you have gotta lean in hard and tell them stuff they don't want to hear, but at that moment, put on the. So I think that's great advice.

We're gonna be leaders, teachers, we gotta have a good hat rack, and we gotta be thinking about when to change hats. Good advice, coach. We're gonna go get a hat rack.

Take care,

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[00:00:00] I want to tell you a story about a farmer. Let's go back to the early 1900s when we're in Missouri, and a young man works on his family farm. This is the kind of farm where you take care of your crops and livestock, and you eat what you grow. You eke out a living and a life, and he's ambitious.

[00:00:24] One of the things he wants to do is go to the military academy. He applies to West Point and doesn't get in, even though he's really smart. He has bad eyesight and wears glasses. Life puts him where he needs to be, and he ends up in France in the military as a captain of an artillery regiment.

[00:00:46] He's a leader and leads admirably. He comes home, maybe not a hero, but definitely revered for what he did and by the men he did it with. He enters a new chapter of his life and opens up a store, a haberdashery that sells ties, shirts, and things like that.

[00:01:05] Unfortunately, after a few years, it's going dismally. So bad, in fact, he ends up declaring bankruptcy. This doesn't stop him. He keeps moving through life and eventually gets into politics. Some wins, a loss or two, and he finds himself in the Senate. This is a humble farmer in the middle of it all, and honestly, most of the world looks down on him. They don't understand why he is there.

[00:01:35] He's not as sophisticated as the rest.

[00:01:38] He makes a name for himself by looking at the spending during World War II and creating a committee that worked to ensure that theft wasn't occurring.

[00:01:51] Eventually, FDR would be running for his final term. Back then, the choice of a vice-presidential candidate was very different.

[00:02:02] FDR just needed someone safe, and he tapped this man. Of course, by now, maybe you recognize I'm talking about President Harry Truman.

[00:02:12] President Truman would become president shortly after the start of FDR's last term. FDR passed away, and then Truman was thrust onto the world stage, both figuratively and literally.

[00:02:26] The stage that he ended up sitting on was at Potsdam, where he was sitting around a table with the likes of Winston Churchill and Joseph Stalin.

[00:02:37] I can't imagine what was going through Harry's head at that time. He had no foreign policy experience. He was not a diplomat, and honestly, I know that both of those men were looking down on him.

[00:02:51] After all, he was taking the place of a man they had worked very closely with FDR.

[00:02:58] I get asked a lot, what do you think about imposter syndrome? My opinion on it has changed over time, and maybe it's because I've changed. On one side, we have imposter syndrome. This is, I'm not good enough. I'm not supposed to be here. This is a mistake.

[00:03:18] On the other side, we have arrogance. No one is better than me. I should be here, and no one can teach me anything. I'm the best.

[00:03:28] Somewhere in the middle is confident humility.

[00:03:33] This is what I think President Truman represented specifically at that moment. He was sitting with Winston Churchill and Joseph Stalin, and they were trying to work their way out of what was just a catastrophic scenario.

[00:03:49] How do we bring Europe back to something that's productive? At the same time, he was faced with a war still happening in the Pacific and with an incredible decision now that nuclear weapons had been created. He had to decide, do I drop an atomic bomb on Japan and try to end the war?

[00:04:12] You know the answer to that question, and that wasn't the only decision that he was faced with over the next several years that he was president.

[00:04:21] He wasn't perfect, and he made a lot of incredible decisions, a lot of them around people, some very, very poor decisions, some of them emotional, but at the end of the day, he was a farmer that became president and navigated everything in between.

[00:04:38] And what he never lost sight of was that he was just a man trying to do the best that he could, and that's what he did every single day.

[00:04:47] And I think it started on that day when he was sitting there with Winston Churchill and Joseph Stalin completely outmatched. He just showed up. He did the work, and he did it with confident humility. And that's all any of us can do, no matter where you find yourself. And no matter what questions you're throwing at yourself or how far to the side of imposter syndrome you are moving, just show up and do the work.

[00:05:13] No one's ever ready. You just end up where you're at, and you gotta do it. You're not alone. Confident humility. Good lesson, President Truman. Good lesson. Hope you're good. Take care. Bye.

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The last couple of weeks stacked up on me. The requirements at work, travel and other things have resulted in poor self-care - particularly sleep. As you can imagine, a trip to the west coast and back causes havoc with the routine.

I can’t emphasize the importance of sleep enough, at least for me. When I’m sleep deprived, a few things happen:

• I get more negative

• Everything seems more difficult

• My choices get worse

• The fog makes seeing a way out harder

This last point is important. Work will always be there, and there will always be more. Realizing that and being able to set boundaries is critical. When that fog rolls in, I start skipping the things that clear the fog - sleep, healthy eating, exercise, learning, etc. This perpetuates the fog. It gets thicker. Rarely does ‘working harder’ get us out of this state.

It Will Look Better In The Morning

Things usually look better in the morning, and for a good reason. The facts don’t change, just your perception. With proper rest, my head clears, allowing me to see things for what they are - this helps me respond, not react.

One day this week, with all that running through my mind, I went to the gym for a quick workout. I was there for less than 15 minutes. The only value it had was I showed up. Seriously, that’s it. A few reps, and at least I can say I went. There is something important in that. Sometimes, show up to start the process again.

I headed to the office to get things started and work through the backlog. I made myself stop and do things I knew would be fulfilling. Read, write, create, and revisit.

Objective Thought

On that last one, I opened a list of my highlights from the book Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. You can find those highlights here. Sometimes the universe gives you what you need when you need it. The first three highlights were perfect for my head space. Here they are:

The discipline of perception requires that we maintain absolute objectivity of thought: that we see things dispassionately for what they are.

It’s, in other words, not objects and events but the interpretations we place on them that are the problem. Our duty is to exercise stringent control over the faults of perception, with the aim of protecting our mind from error.

When sleep deprivation happens, and I know that my emotional self is showing up, I lean on this from Marcus:

Everywhere, at each moment, you have the option:

• to accept this event with humility [will];

• to treat this person as they should be treated [action];

• to approach this thought with care, so that nothing irrational creeps in [perception].

While we are all different, sleep is the number one stress reliever. When it gets overwhelming, consider fixing your sleep. The one thing you control is your perspective. Take care of yourself so you can be clear in thought and action.

I’m struck by how the universe put these wise words where I needed them and when I needed them. I hope you find them helpful too.

Meanwhile, I’m back in the fight.

Onward,

PS - I’m going to go deep on sleep here soon. In the meantime, check out Dr. Andrew Humberman’s episode on sleep here if you have time.

PPS - I track my sleep with Whoop. If you use Whoop and want to join my team on Whoop, enter the invite code COMM-B4B56C on the community page (or email me). And if you are interested in Whoop, you can use this link to signup.

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I found myself tucked into a small seat on a long flight. Don’t cry for me, I was sitting next to one of my favorite humans on the planet, and we were on a great adventure. That adventure turned out to be more than I could ever have hoped. I’ll share some of it another time. But this may have happened 👇

He slept, and I found myself deep in a new book. The Courage To Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How To Change Your Life And Achieve Real Happiness.

I’m still working through many of the concepts, and I probably need to read it a couple more times before diving deep with you. There is something that keeps rattling around in my brain, and I wanted to share it (light edits for clarity).

When you are conscious of competition and victory and defeat, it is inevitable that feelings of inferiority will arise…Because you are constantly comparing yourself to others and thinking, I beat that person or I lost to that person. The inferiority complex and the superiority complex are extensions of that.

We need to get away from worrying about what other people think. The reality is they do less often than we think. Most importantly, we need to help each other, not compete with each other.

That’s easy to say, hard to do - especially for me. That point is important, don’t think for a minute that I don’t give credence to the thoughts of others. This is particularly true for those closest to me but also applies to strangers. I’m not immune from wanting to be admired or liked.

We need to get comfortable with the fact that we won’t be good at many things. Maybe, we won’t be the best at anything. That’s hard to swallow. The secret: The competition is in the mirror, not out the window.

I was lucky. My grandma told me I was special. I believed her. And, like most things, she was right. I know I’m special. Some of that good, and some of that bad. All of it, me.

Take Your Work Seriously, Not Yourself

We should take our work very seriously. After all, we provide for ourselves and our families. The problem occurs when our ego gets wrapped up in the equation, and a competitive voice sneaks in.

It’s too easy to look around and be judgmental and envious. I do it. I’m not proud of it, but I do. I’m human. A decade ago, I read a book that helped me with this. It was by Coach John Wooden, who won 10 NCAA national basketball championships with UCLA.

Coach Wooden was famous for telling his players not to worry about the scoreboard. He shared his father’s advice:

Focus on running the race rather than winning it…don’t lose sleep worrying about the competition. Let the competition lose sleep worrying about you.

I think that Coach Wooden believed this. That said, he used the word competition 96 times in his book Wooden on Leadership. Even for this incredible man who did so much for so many, I know winning was on his mind. It’s on all of our minds. We’re trying to survive.

Wooden just accepted the natural tendencies to compete but took action to nullify them. He took specific steps to ensure he didn’t get lost in the voices of competition.

For example, he intentionally avoided using the word ‘win’ or talking about ‘beating the competition’ with his players. He felt the joy was the journey of pushing yourself to the outer limits of your ability.

Just Because You Can Win The Game, Doesn’t Mean You Should Play

We live in a society where what we do matters, particularly in this country. Often we allow our titles, our cars, and where we went to school (or didn’t) to define us. That scoreboard doesn’t matter.

Wooden says,

Never allow anyone to define your success.

Wooden is talking about perspective. When we let others define success, we give away our perspective and seek external validation. When we own the definition, we can focus on what matters to us. Don’t give away the one thing you control - your perspective.

For me, losing is when I know I could have done better. Winning is when I do the work that matters and get better. It’s stepping away from the pixels to spend time with one of my humans. It’s going for that run even when it’s cold and I’m too tired. It’s having that hard conversation I’ve been avoiding. Or, as I shared recently, it’s setting boundaries and saying no.

I’ll leave you with this, again, from The Courage To Be Disliked (with light editing for clarity):

…once you are released from the schema of competition, the need to triumph over someone disappears.

You are released from the fear that says, ‘Maybe I will lose.’

You can celebrate other people’s happiness with all your heart.

You become able to contribute actively to other people’s happiness.

The person who always has the will to help another in times of need is someone who may be properly called your friend.

I think step one is being a good friend to yourself. And if you didn’t have a grandma like mine - you are special.

Take care, friends.

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BTTY gets BTTY with three ways to take it in. Watch, read, or listen. I hope you find something helpful here. Take care.

BTTY turns ten this year, but it’s the last year that has taught me the most.

The concept of BTTY hatched on my office floor in 2013. It was a Sunday, and I’d been on the job for 39 days. My boss and dear friend, for almost 25 years at this point, told me, “don’t do anything for 90 days.”

Yet, there I was, with 67 major projects or changes that I KNEW needed to occur. There was no one in that office with me on that beautiful Sunday. Just me, a whiteboard, and my imagination.

I sat on the floor and felt my heart rate increase while a wave of pressure washed over me. My skin warmed as the adrenaline pushed blood into my extremities. I realized there was no way we could do all of this.

I moved to the chair and swiveled back and forth, trying to calm down. I glanced up at the light blue scribble that was tormenting me. Sixty-seven kept rattling around in my mind. 67.

I said out loud, “Do what you can every day. Little steps every day, and it will get better. If we get 1% better each day, we will be over 365% better in a year.”

The BTTY Blog

I’ve been writing inconsistently for ten years, with gaps between some posts of more than a year. I’ve written more in the last year than the preceding nine combined.

My first mention of BTTY was in a post dated August 16, 2013. Here’s a screenshot:

If I’m being honest, fear kept me away—the fear of judgment, failure, and all the other voices that parlayed my hopes. Last year I resolved to change that and committed to posting weekly for a year. This is #52.

As my friend recently shared about his newsletter, it grows slowly. I wanted to honor his vulnerability with my own. This is slow, and this is hard. The best things in life usually take longer than we expect and are harder.

Here’s A Secret (or two)

Fear, uncertainty, criticism, and doubt have been bumming a ride with me for as long as I can remember. They are riding with most of us, but society doesn’t make it okay to admit that.

Sometimes it’s very dark in here, but it’s okay because I know I’m not alone - you hear those voices too. They exist to make sure you stay safe and alive. But if you let them control you, you will never live your life.

There are enough obstacles in the world that will beat you down, don’t be one yourself. Unless you can get those voices under control, you’re FUC’d.

Here’s another secret: No one knows what they’re doing. They’re just making it up too. Once you realize that, you are free to do you. Creating is what I’ve done and want to do - teams, ideas, cultures, and networks. The last one is of the paramilitary type, not the business card exchanging type FWIW.

My career has been up and to the right, mostly. Sunshine and butterflies weren’t always present, but anything bad was, at most, a passing squall.

I’ve been lucky like that. I deeply appreciate the privilege I was born with and the friends life has afforded me. They have selflessly dragged me along, or up, without asking for anything back. Those friends live and breathe ‘give more than you take.’

We Are A Work In Progress

I’ve tucked their lessons in my kit bag and brought them with me. Where I’m blind, those same friends remind me to pull them out. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I don’t.

“You will get better. Do the reps,”

I growl silently in the best imitation of a former team sergeant who would leg press a Prius during our time in Baghdad.

“Just don’t quit,”

I hear my brothers in the Q course say as we trudge through another cold, wet night.

“Self-awareness, self-control,”

says a walking saint I’m blessed to call a friend.

“The process is what matters, not the objective,” I tell myself.

A warrior once looked me in the eye and said,

“It’s gonna suck. Embrace the suck. You will be stronger for it.”

Roger that, we continue mission. There are no rules to what’s happening here - save one. Ship something each week.

Here, We Focus On What We Can Control

It’s easy to get wrapped up in what’s happening. To notice the slights, real or perceived, and wish things were different. It’s easy to time travel into woulda’s, coulda’s, and shoulda’s.

While I don’t consider myself a pessimist, I’m not an optimist. Maybe a realistic optimist? The voices in my head work their you know what’s off to tell me what’s wrong, what won’t work, and remind me of that one deep fear I have. I’m not ready to share that fear, but maybe one day.

I face those voices and embrace some as friends. Slowing down helps me recognize they are just my thoughts. Every thought allowed to germinate makes the garden of my life - constant weeding and watering are required.

I’m not sure where I’ll be in another ten years, but whatever happens, I’m sure it won’t be what I thought. The future usually surprises us that way. I know if I do nothing today, nothing will be different tomorrow.

Four and half decades in, I can peacefully sit with the understanding that progress and process are what matters. I’ve done enough laps around the sun to see the results of showing up and quieting the voices that want instant gratification.

Do the work. It works.

The Enemy Is Within

While I don’t know him, Steven Pressfield has served as a counselor, sage, and inspiration. His most important work, to me, is the War of Art. He makes the case that,

“Resistance is not a peripheral opponent. Resistance arises from within. It is self-generated and self-perpetuated. Resistance is the enemy within.”

He goes on,

“Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul's evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.”

Resistance shows up for me, hard. These posts are punctuated with fear as my cursor hovers over the publish key. A quick check-in with my ever-present friend, self-doubt, keeps the narrative going. “Who am I? This is garbage. There is nothing original here. Site traffic is down. No one cares.” These are all things I tell myself.

Resistance dances with my fingers as I delete the things that are too personal or provocative. After all, I have a reputation to protect. Right? Society and nature have a nasty way of collaborating your dreams away. Don’t let them.

I feel there is more. More to create, more to share, more to explore, and most importantly, more to learn. The good news is courage is MY collaborator, and for 52 weeks, I’ve not fully succumbed to the desires of self-doubt. I’ve shipped consistently, and here is why.

Help, Not Hurt

Helping is why I do this.

While there is no replacement for walking through the crucible yourself, maybe others can find something helpful here. A lesson, a thought, or a nudge at the right time. Finding what works should be shared. This isn’t altruistic. I’m talking to myself, too, and iterating as a human, husband, father, friend, teammate, and creator.

Maybe, my boys will read it one day. I hope the timing will be right for them, and they see a man trying to do the best he can and be everything they need. All this while wrestling with his demons and healing his wounds.

Maybe I’ll be here, and maybe I won’t. Hopefully, they will say I was there when it mattered and helped them find peace, joy, and purpose.

If You Are Willing To Look Foolish, You Will Win

This is a minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, and day-by-day improvement plan. The humility to look foolish is where better starts.

I’m honored to have friends who inspire me with their consistency and humility - they beat back the voices and make it better today than yesterday, every day. Here are a few.

To the mom who started a gender-neutral kid’s clothing brand, keep stitching it together.

To the designer sharing his journey each week and helping others along the way, keep pushing those pixels.

To the technologist/marketer/lots of other wonderful things shaping the heart of our homes, keep grinding.

To that hotelier making a difference in where the tigers roam, keep helping - those kids need you.

To Princess Buttercup, who quit her job to help solve our mental health crisis, keep leading.

To the leaders working as intrapreneurs inside their families or large organizations - work your craft, lead your teams, love your teams, and keep pushing them. They need your confidence and support to become the humans they don’t realize they can be. We all need that.

We tend to highlight the bold moves and the overnight successes. The bold were consistent long before the universe whispered “now.” They spent years getting ready for that moment when it all came together. They weren’t bold. They were just still there.

May courage and consistency be your collaborators, friends. Let’s go get better.

Onward,

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Inbox Zero

The first email was sent on October 29, 1969. Yesterday, 347 billion emails hit inboxes worldwide - in one day. There are only just over 2.5 billion active email addresses. You do the math. That’s over 100 emails per account per day.

It’s not simply that you never get through your email; it’s that the process of “getting through your email” actually generates more email.

This is from David Burkeman’s book 4,000 Weeks: A Mortals Guide to Time Management.

While the list of books I’d like to read is more than I’ll get to in this lifetime, I’m making it a point to revisit the ones that matter.

4,000 Weeks is one such book. I don’t want to say this is a life-changing book, but that’s only because of my stubbornness and a little ego. It has changed my life or at least helped sharpen the pencil I’ll use to sketch what’s left.

These pages served as a reminder of what is important and a curb to the misdirected parts of my ambition. I find his straightforwardness refreshing. Points like this:

In the long run, we’re all dead

He goes on,

Assuming you live to eighty, you’ll have about four thousand weeks.

“I want to live forever”

The other night at dinner, we went around the table and asked each other what superpower we wanted. One of the boys said, “I want to live forever.”

Reflecting later, I thought about how life would change if I knew there was no end. If I had unlimited time to do what I wanted, would I make different choices?

It’s hard to wrap your head around the idea of living forever. Please take a moment, and think about it. You stop aging, and you exist - forever. Time becomes an inexhaustible resource.

An infinite resource has little value. You likely say yes to most things because you have time to get to it all. This gets to the crux of Burkeman’s point. You have 4,000 weeks on this little blue ball. If you are like me, maybe you have 2,000 left.

Now, be honest with yourself. Do you make choices as if you are immortal? Or mortal?

My answer is I make choices as if I’m going to live forever, and I can do it all. What’s amazing is I know what it feels like to look death in the eye. Yet, I say yes. And yes. And yes.

I’m making choices, like prioritizing inbox zero or clearing the decks, instead of facing the reality of my limited time and focusing on what matters.

The Most Precious Resource

I have long subscribed to the idea that I can do it all - with enough hustle, I can get it done. The truth is, it has the opposite effect.

The more I think I can do, the more I try to do. This leads to a full calendar with little room for the highest priorities at work or home.

Burkeman,

Productivity is a trap. Becoming more efficient just makes you more rushed, and trying to clear the decks simply makes them fill up again faster.

At work, I say yes, and at home, I say yes. Then, unfairly to all participating parties, I react negatively when there is no space. It’s not their fault. It’s my fault. I keep saying yes, thinking I can do it all. That’s not possible. I have to set boundaries.

Burkeman leans into this exact point:

Paradox of limitation: The more you try to manage your time with the goal of achieving a feeling of total control, and freedom from the inevitable constraints of being human, the more stressful, empty, and frustrating life gets.

He goes on,

We’ve been granted the mental capacities to make almost infinitely ambitious plans, yet practically no time at all to put them into action.

Let’s Normalize “No”

Why do I pack my calendar full and wrestle with my inbox incessantly? Ego? An unhealthy belief that I can do it all with something to prove? A desire to not let people down? Probably yes to all three.

The truth is, you won’t be able to do everything. You won’t get to all of those ticktockagrammable places. Try as you may. You may get to inbox zero, but it will fill back up. If you embrace your mortality, does that change the choices you make? It does for me.

I’m not suggesting we spend our days avoiding our work, but rather don’t let distraction or ego deprioritize what matters - whether at work, in the community, or at home. There will ALWAYS be more to do, and there won’t always be more time to do it.

Intellectually, we know need to prioritize, say no, and set boundaries. The struggle is normalizing no. Can we give others the space to say no without feeling shame or guilt? Their capacities are limited, their priorities are unique, and their struggles are real.

Let’s turn this on its head and help each other say no. We are in this together.

Can we give each other that grace?

Just a thought this week. You can see my full highlights from 4,000 weeks here. Take care out there.

Onward,

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When I think back to times and places that were difficult, they usually seem not as bad as when I was there. There is a reason for this, and it’s called Fading Affect Bias. But first, a memory.

We were deployed in Baghdad and in the midst of it. 18-hour days of grind. I’d beat the sun up and stumble over to the secure room we set up to access highly classified material. The coffee wasn’t great, but if Folgers was good enough for grandad, it was good enough for me.

We’d push pixels, people, and ourselves on that deployment. It was hard. I also knew I was pushing myself pretty hard. Too hard, in hindsight. Then one day, a buddy on the team looked at me and said, “Hey, I gotta tell you, you have to stop being so negative.”

He was a friend, and I love him for having the courage to snap me back to reality.

There was a lot wrong, like the hole in the roof from a rocket and the persecution happening all around us. And the Army, which comes with lots to criticize - bureaucracy, red tape, bad food, low pay, IEDs, and laziness. Some of that, particularly the last one, would be a reason to get out several years later.

Almost every day, I miss it. I miss the dust in your nose, the adrenaline at the gate, and unknown corners - real and metaphorical. I miss the new cultures, the lessons, and the flatbread with all the fixings from a little window in Sulamaniyah.

I miss the places few have been and the wide-eyed “thank you” when you change someone’s life with something the Department of Defense marked for the rubbage bin. Not to mention fierce friendship, the ‘embrace the suck’ attitude, and the ‘just don’t quit’ mantras.

I’ve been curious why I remember it more fondly than when I was there. It turns out there is a psychological reason, and it’s called Fading Affect Bias (FAB).

With Fading Affect Bias, negative emotions associated with an event tend to fade faster than positive ones. This fading can start as soon as the same day. When something terrible happens, or I make a mistake, I drag it around for a while. Over time, it fades.

It won’t all fade and often comes back when we don’t want it. At night lying there in the dark, a smell that instantly transports you or any of 1,000 other triggers.

“Dude, stop”

Fifteen years later, I remember vividly that moment riding in that grey SUV with the gold stripe down the side. My buddy looked over at me and said, “Dude, stop.”

What I was complaining about didn’t matter. Were there frustrating things? Yes. Did I think command could do more? Yes. Did I think some guys weren’t pulling their weight? Unequivocally.

Rarely does complaining make it better. By complaining, we are complicit.

Not only do I shake my head at the things that frustrated me due to their pettiness, but frankly, I’m embarrassed. I’m in the middle of a book by one of my favorite writers, and he’s sharing tales of WWI. The trenches, the starvation, and wave after wave of men walking into machine gun fire. Now there’s a reason to complain.

There I was with a chow hall, a mostly hot shower, and coffee each morning. Yet, I dared to complain. People were barely making it a few hundred meters away, and I had the US Government’s full force to ensure I had what I needed. And my family was at home, safe. Yet, I complained.

Note to Self

We will lose things, friends, and dreams. Complaining rarely makes it better. Often, it makes it worse.

Usually, there are worse things happening to better people.

When you find yourself starting to see all that is wrong, stop and flip it over. There’s likely more good than your lens is letting you see. Clean it.

I’m grateful for the fade, but more importantly, I’m grateful for friends that call me out. I’m also grateful that it doesn’t all fade. There are too many lessons and moments I don’t want to lose, including this one.

Take care, friends.

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Coffee and A Lion Tracker’s Guide to Life is how I started 2023. This was my second time through this little gem of pithy prose.

The Premise

Boyd Varty grew up on a game preserve in South Africa. His grandfather converted a bankrupt cattle ranch into a lion-hunting enterprise. Spoiler alert: the lions were eating the cattle. His father would do the right thing and bring it back to its natural state and a safari operation. Boyd would learn the art of tracking here.

Boyd brings a refreshing look at life through the eyes of a tracker. Interlaced with the culture of the Shangaan, Boyd takes us through a day tracking a lion. His two mentors, Alex and Ren, provide context, wisdom, and a view of life through two men deeply connected to nature. For the metaphors, I’ll keep coming back to this one. Excerpts like this that make it worth it:

“Ren lives outside the deceptions of modern life. Its structured psychological outlook has not affected him, and I know that he is a living clue to a different way of being. He doesn’t concern himself with the attainment of status or wealth. He doesn’t worry about his security in the future or his position within a social group. He doesn’t talk about politics or worry that he isn’t doing enough. To him, time is not money. Productivity is not a reflection of his value. He considers treadmills ridiculous. When it’s time to work, he works. When it’s time to rest, he rests.”

It’s short, only 90 pages. A lifetime of advice in its brevity, like this:

“Track what makes you feel good and bring more of it into your life. Notice what makes you feel lousy and do less of it.”

More of my Favorites

“I tend to just accept what I see. Ren always looks closer, he always asks why. He has a gift for examining the wallpaper of life.”

Why do the elephants eat in the morning? The answer is simple, but that’s not the entire answer. Boyd accepts the first answer while Ren, his mentor, keeps asking why. There is more than what we see on the surface.

"You can’t think your way to a calling. Finding what is uniquely yours requires more than rationality."

This stings a little. For rationality, what are we talking about? The rationality of comparison? What did your parents want? What society tells you is right? What role do you think you play for others? You won’t find your calling in a pro/con list. It’s emotional, not logical.

"We live with our attention directed outward. We focus on the social cues of our culture. We look to others to define our path and value, and purpose. We lose ourselves in shoulds."

I talked about warriors and how they look in. Boyd is saying the same. Don’t look to society to define your path. If you do, you might find yourself walking down the wrong path. Don’t forget: just because you can win the game doesn’t mean you should play.

"We must learn to read the subtle tracks of the body, the way it relaxes and opens when something feels right, the contraction and tightness when we are not where we are meant to be."

Perhaps my favorite, I feel this deeply. You know when something feels right and when it doesn’t. How often do we not listen to our bodies while our minds are wrapped up in rationalizations? Or fear? Or competition?

"I don’t know where I’m going, but I know exactly how to get there, whispers the wild self. Learn to be natural."

Instinct gets us to our feet. As toddlers, we stumble around exploring while our dotting parents, if lucky, keep an eye out. Our days are filled with eating, napping, and - well, the rest. Our early time at school let us finger-paint our joyful hearts away. We do what feels right, and at some point, the natural path gets supplanted by something else. Maybe there is a way to find our way back to finger painting, kindness, and homemade cookies.

"I remain deeply convinced that a person who tracks down an authentic life opens up possibilities for themselves, their family, and their larger community. In these times, as the planet screams at us to reimagine our way of life, these new possibilities are deeply important."

Maybe this is what matters. What would the world be like if all 8 billion of us could do what we are best in the world at and love? Easy for me to say as I sit in this fancy chair with all my privilege. There is work I have to do to track down the authentic me. I’m incredibly lucky I can even consider this, and as such, don’t I have an obligation to act?

Why I Love It?

The sketches, prose, and being easily consumable make it one of my favorites. Boyd’s writing is punchy but beautiful at the right moments - like nature in that way. I felt like I was hiding behind the tree with Boyd, Alex, and Ren as the bull elephant charged the air around us with his presence.

"We must leave the safety of the village and venture out onto the trail of something wild and uncertain and as yet undefined. We must live on that trail, propelled forward by a set of clues only you will recognize by the aliveness they bring out in you. You must teach yourself to see your track.”

You won’t find the tracks sitting at home, and sometimes you will lose the track. When that happens, return to the last track. Begin again. Losing the track is often more important.

Take care, friends.

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I've been giving a lot of thought to warriors. I’ve found myself using this word recently and more than the days when I was surrounded by what the box office stylized as a warrior. If you close your eyes, you can conjure the stereotype- the violence, the blood, the action. A warrior, for me, is something different.

Violence is not the calling card of a warrior, but rather love.

I've walked with warriors, fought with them, drank with them, cried with them, bled with them, and buried them.

Warriors are a special breed. All fight, but not all are violent—all sacrifice. What makes warriors special is their desire to fight for those who cannot. Sitting bull said it better than I can:

"For us, warriors are not what you think of as warriors. The warrior is not someone who fights because no one has the right to take another life. The warrior, for us, is one who sacrifices for the good of others. The task is to take care of the elderly, the defenseless, and those who can not provide for themselves. Above all the children, the future of humanity."

When I think of warriors: Viktor Frankl, Rosa Parks, Gandhi Churchill, Martin Luther King Jr. - those are all names, you know. And they're warriors in my book. How many warriors are out there practicing warriorship that you don't know? Chances are, you know one personally. Maybe, you are one.

The warrior loves

The warrior may fight but fights for love: a belief, a way of life, or those who cannot fight for themselves. The warrior is patient in their craft and impatient with injustice. They choose confrontation over comfort.

The warrior is resilient

They are realistically optimistic - moving forward when others think it is too hard. They are a professional at getting back up, dusting themselves off, and saying, “Again, I’m ready.” They do not fear what is in front of them because of the love behind them.

The warrior looks in, not out

The warrior knows their imperfections - this is central to the warrior and why they train the body, the mind, and the heart. The warrior is relentless on better as there’s too much at stake not to be.

They prepare as Churchill decreed, “That one day the universe will one tap them on the shoulder to do something they are uniquely qualified for, and must be ready. They live - “get strong, stay strong.”

The warrior is selfless

They exist to defend what needs defending - people, ideas, and liberties. For that which cannot protect itself, the warrior brings violence of action. They act with love and bleed sacrifice.

The warrior does not want to die, but if someone must, in defense of right, the warrior says, “Take me, I’m ready. But I will not go gently.”

The warrior does not complain

They do the work and don’t want glory. Their only ask is that you honor their sacrifice by not wasting it.

The warrior is lucid

They respond, not react. Clear in thought and action - their training has taken them to this point. They refuse to let anger or vengeance, or ego lead. Love leads and dictates their actions. They focus on what they can control, and above all, they control themselves.

The warrior is confidently humble

In actions and words, there is no pride. Confident in who they are today and who they are becoming. They want the right way, not their way. The warrior knows everyone is their teacher, and they are a small part of a much larger world.

Love and humility are their most effective weapons.

A warrior does not need a uniform, just a mindset. Being a warrior is a choice. Practicing warriorship is your choice. Go confidently, friends. The world needs you.

Thanks for reading - if you found it helpful, please consider sharing it with another person who might too.

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New Year resolutions - I understand why we do them. It’s a natural cutoff point and easy to ‘start new.’ We can do that any time of the year, but since we are here together, let’s take advantage of the collective momentum.

But first, I want to offer a contratarían point of view.

Let’s Stop, Not Start

As you think about what you will change in the new year, consider what you can take away. Not what you will start doing but what you will stop doing.

Here are three stops that are top of mind for me.

• Stop Time Travel - worry and regret are just a misuse of our imagination.

• Stop Competing With Others - the only competition is in the mirror. Remember, a ‘competitor’ is incredibly close to an ‘enemy.’ You are you, be you. The best you. There’s only one of you.

• Stop Thinking Leisure Time Is Bad - it’s okay to do things purely for enjoyment without any perceived benefit. Seriously, it’s okay.

A Gentle Reminder

From Bianca Sparacino, A Gentle Reminder

"However you fought your battles, whatever got you here today is valid. You had to do what you had to do. Congratulate yourself on having the courage to do it, even if it was not graceful, even if it could have been executed in a kinder way or a more tender way, even if you see now that you could have done things differently. It is okay. Be gentle with yourself. You were learning. You still are."

And with that, my friends, go gently into this good year. You are good. We are good. Let’s do some good.

Onward.

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Cream & Sugar, Please

A few syllables of kindness can make all the difference.

Whether at the coffee shop, the dinner table, or that video call. I see you and appreciate the part of your life you gave me.

It’s saying “No, thank you” to recognize they didn’t have to offer. They aren’t there to serve you, even if you pay them with ducats, dollars, or Dominican pesos. They were being kind and helpful. Let’s honor their kindness, and it will amplify.

Tell Them When They Get It Right

With so many opportunities to feel like we are getting it wrong, lean in when someone gets it right - either in their opinion or their actions. While Dale Carnegie says the sweetest sound to someone is their name, I disagree.

The sweetest sound is an affirmation that your actions and opinions are good. If you agree, tell them. And if you disagree, tell them. Just be kind, and whatever we do, let’s not waffle with phrases like “I don’t disagree.”

And I Am Sorry

I advocate using “I’m sorry.” Even if it wasn’t my fault, I’m sorry you got a flat tire this morning. I’m sorry your coffee spilled on your new shirt. I am sorry that someone you love is at risk or may not make it. Deeply.

I don't believe I’m at fault for those things, but if I could fix them, I would. So, I’m sorry. And how can I help? A box of tissues and a friend may be all you need from me now. Need me to get on a plane? I’m in.

I am not advocating the indiscriminate use of these words to make people feel good. I’m asking that we all recognize their power when delivered genuinely.

In our haste, we often forget the little things, and lots of little things add up. We don’t have a choice - our actions send ripples into the universe: every text, email, and interaction matters.

A dear friend coined the phrase “ambitiously kind”. I agree with him.

Let’s be ambitiously kind friends.

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I interviewed someone recently and asked, “What do you look for in a leader?”

They said, “Care. If they don’t care, nothing else matters. If they care, everything matters.”

I think that’s right. We need competence, but first, we need care. This isn’t just caring for the team but caring about the mission.

Care is a decision.

No training, no experience, just show up. Here are a few things that come to mind about people who care.

• They take 'it' on as a burden and say ‘I’m accountable.’

• They don’t quit when it gets hard or the path is unclear.

• They iterate, refine, and continuously make better when no one is looking.

• They know it’s not about them. It’s about the people counting on them.

• They will do everything they can to make the team proud and deliver on their promises.

• They check their ego at the door and admit when they don’t know, or when they’re wrong.

• They take blame and give credit.

Competence is experience.

In the beginning, caring is enough. Over the long term, you must be competent too. This takes focus, humility, and care.

Coach John Wooden led the UCLA Bruins to 10 national championships and NEVER had a losing season. He famously started each season teaching ALL players how to tie their shoes.

Can you imagine that today?! There they were - 15 tier-one athletes sitting on a gleaming hardwood floor in their stocking feet. They meticulously weaved laces through their size 14s as Coach Wooden paced, doling out instructions . I don’t think any of them questioned the practice. They were professionals, and professionals take everything seriously.

Sahil Bloom, in his article about the differences between amateurs and professionals, says,

“The greatest performers in any craft share one trait: They have a routine and stick to it with intense discipline. Most of what we call greatness is simply the result of tiny daily actions done well—over and over and over again. They are interested in the process, not the prize.”

Here are things that come to mind for me if you are trying to be competent:

• Do the reps. Again and again.

• Have the humility to view everyone, and every event, as your teacher.

• Have the discipline to do the little things that matter.

• And be relentless about better.

Remember, leaders are NOT responsible for all the answers, just all the decisions. Don’t pretend you can do anything. It’s only together that we can do anything.

Don’t Be Out Worked Cared

Mastering your craft starts with care. Care will take you through the low points and the frustrations. It will open your aperture to the possibilities. It will get you off the floor and out of the fetal position. It will allow you to say you’re sorry. It will force you to find the truth and lead with honesty. Care means love of the team, the mission, and the craft.

Competency is not an end state, it’s a journey. We care to keep getting better.

Go get it, friends.

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I think about energy.

The energy I have for life, the energy I give off, and the energy I get from others—the encouragement, discouragement, and where it leaks.

How can I maximize its use? How can I get more through good habits? How can I be satisfied with what I have? How can I replenish it when it’s gone? Most importantly, where am I letting my energy go to waste? I have two that lead my list.

Status Seeking

Time Travel

Status

To status-seeking, I shared the story of Marcus Aurelius and Lucius Commodus. One great emperor and one tragic failure. If you’ve seen the movie Gladiator, you have a sense. From Marcus:

"It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people but care more about their opinion than our own."

He wrote that in Meditations Book 12 two thousand years ago, and it’s still a fact today. You aren’t alone.

Stop worrying about what people think about you - they don’t! At least not as much as you wish. They don’t care about your hair, clothes, car, or other things our hedonic treadmill promotes. Just show up and be you. You are good enough.

Time Travel

I’m talking about worry and regret.

Ryan Holiday says in Stillness is the Key:

“The less energy we waste regretting the past or worrying about the future, the more energy we will have for what’s in front of us.”

Life is just a series of moments threaded together. It’s like an old movie reel with frames. If we slow the projector down, we can see the frames for what they are. They are delicate, unique, and meant to be enjoyed. Wherever you are right now, take a moment to recognize something special: a color, a smell, or a person. If you struggle, look in the mirror.

Whether at work or home, let’s take their advice. Don’t worry about what people think, and don’t time travel. You only have so much energy for your humans and your life. Please don’t waste it on things that don’t matter. You are here, be here. You are enough, and you have enough.

Spend your energy wisely, friends.

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General James “Mad Dog” Mattis served in the United States Marine Corps for 44 years. Ask a Marine about him, and you will likely hear the reverence in their voice.

His book, Call Sign Chaos, provides a glimpse into his style, life, and perspective. Love him or hate him - there is something simple about his approach. Unapologetic, authentic, responsible, and relentlessly focused on better.

His “Three C’s” of Leadership are worth considering as you lead. They are:

• Competence

• Caring

• Conviction

Competence

Out of the gate, Mattis drops a wonderful “ism” I’ll take with me always - “Brilliance in the Basics.” He says plainly,

“Don’t dabble in your job. Master it.”

We applied this to our business. We were clear on the functions that drive success and said, “we will be brilliant in these before all else.” Ignore the noise—Focus, focus, focus.

There is something liberating in this. Take a moment and write down the basics of your job. Are YOU delivering on those brilliantly each day, or are you walking down distraction alley?

If you want to be able to show up ready for your team, whether at home or work, live brilliantly in the basics too. Prioritize sleep, what you eat, and your relationships.

We don’t need fancy apps or self-cooling blankets - we need more time in bed and less time in the drive-thru. Most of all, we need time to learn, love and explore with our humans.

Caring (and Communication)

Mattis says,

“In a family, you look out for your younger brother. You are interested in him, how he grows, how he learns, and who he wants to be.”

Leaders care deeply about those they lead with soul-spying care. They take action to help with struggles and strengths without submitting an invoice - the only payment they expect is a life lived to potential.

Mattis goes on,

“When your Marines know how much you care, you can speak bluntly to them.”

Sandwiching a critique between two compliments is accepted as best practice. Do you know what best practices get you? Everyone doing the same thing. There is a word for that, mediocrity.

When they know you care - dare I say, love - you can be direct. No dancing. No pretending. Just reality. At that point, it can go something like this:

“Hey, you need to fix this. I’m telling you because I love you. You might not like it. You might want to quit. But I’m the only one who cares enough to tell you. Now let’s get to work to fix it together. Are you in or out?”

Conviction (and Consistency)

From Mattis,

“This is harder and deeper than physical courage. Your peers are the first to know what you will stand for and, more importantly, what you won’t. State your rules and stick by them. They shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.”

Good leaders have two essential leadership traits - conviction and consistency. There should be no surprises from you, the leader. The battlefield is unpredictable enough, don’t make it worse. Be predictable.

When people know the rules, they can execute against them. If they don’t like the rules, they can quit. But if they stay, clarity lets them go after it aggressively. If you want a “fear-full” team, keep them guessing. Fear is a product of the unknown. That said, balance conviction with open-mindedness. We must constantly challenge our beliefs and biases.

Mattis addresses this by saying,

“Balance your professional passion with personal humility and compassion for your troops…”

Soulful Leadership

Mattis says,

“Remember: You need to win only one battle — for the hearts of your troops. Win their hearts, and they will win the fights...

Leadership means reaching the souls of your troops and instilling a sense of commitment and purpose in the face of challenges so severe that they cannot be put into words.”

When you practice soulful leadership, they know you will always put them before yourself. Tread lightly. Soulful leadership isn’t faked, only felt. It’s energy. It’s a deeply human connection.

We send Marines because they will do whatever it takes. It’s about the mission AND those to the left and right - they feel it in their soul. They live and die, “We, Not Me.”

While Mattis focused on warfighting, don’t let that dissuade you from considering the applicability to your leadership. Masters of great change like Gandhi, King, and Mandela leaned on competence, care, and conviction as they changed the world - you can too.

Live brilliantly, friends.

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Generally, speed limits are set for the maximum safe speed on roadways. A different approach uses Variable Speed Limit (VSL) signs that change dynamically to avoid heavy congestion or accidents.

It may seem counterintuitive, but slower speeds increase the number of cars that can travel on the road. As driver anxiety decreases, the distance between vehicles declines, and stop-and-go reduces.

Germany saw travel times increase by up to 15 percent, crashes decrease by 30 percent, and car volume increase by 5 percent. Similarly, in the UK, property damage-only crashes decreased by 20 percent.

Slowing Down

Traffic is one area of my life where I watch frustration come, and I let it go (mostly). I can recognize the thought for what it is and put it back on the shelf. It wasn’t always this way. I attribute this growth to age, audible, and adaptive cruise control. Meditation deserves some credit too. I’d ask you don’t poll my family, as they often hear me mutter, “rubbing is racing,” while my race car driver dreams manifest on road trips.

Heading home one afternoon, Waze told me that the next left was mine. I looked to the right and saw the brake lights building - open roads ahead. Then it struck me:

I notice when traffic is bad, not when it’s good.

What is frustration?

Frustration occurs when a person is blocked from reaching their desired outcome. Essentially, I’m upset because I did not get what I wanted. More free space on my calendar, a spot on the sixth-grade baseball team, tsway tickets (looking at you, Ticketmaster), or chic-fil-a sauce.

Whether in traffic or tussling with my teenager, the frustration I’m talking about is a selfish emotion. The Dalai Lama framed frustration well when he said,

“…frustrations, confusion, and pain result from selfish attitudes.”

Opening Up

My regrets in life revolve around my anger and frustration.

Frustration brings choices - I can be complicit, complaining, complacent, or correcting. At a minimum, I can change my perspective, which requires slowing down and asking some questions. What matters? Am I helping or hurting? What am I missing?

Marcus Aurelius provides great counsel when he says,

Everywhere, at each moment, you have the option:

• to accept this event with humility

• to treat this person as they should be treated

• to approach this thought with care so that nothing irrational creeps in

I've been leaning on these words lately. When I slow down enough to recognize my frustration or anger, I repeat them to myself. It's working, and I wanted to share them with you. I hope you find them helpful.

I hope you're good out there. Safe driving, friends.

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It weighs 445 million pounds.

I made my way down the cascading elevator bank to the ground floor of the Sears Willis Tower. It is an incredibly well-programmed office building with all the trappings. It’s where Joe gets you coffee or juice, and your greens are of the sweet variety.

My feet know how to find a sushi counter I have on repeat to satisfy my sustainably sourced blue fin needs. Tucked on the ground floor, you’ll find that the branding eclipses the sushi with the speed of service beats both.

The counter fits eight, but most raw fish-eating topo chico-consuming patrons choose the pre-made case. Don’t cringe. They do an excellent job keeping the case temperature just right.

Waiting Gently

The line was longer than usual. My phone naturally found its way into my back right pocket, and I looked up. At the end of the counter was a big man. White shirt, no tie, dark grey suit with jet black hair combed straight back. His skin was darker than mine, with a wispy Lincoln-esque beard. It was his hands that struck me.

In the torrent of fluttering access cards carried by rushing 20-somethings, he sat quietly with his fingers interlaced. The thick parts of his meaty hands rested on the sharp edge of an immaculate bamboo counter - it could easily have been the back of a church pew.

He was sitting - calm, relaxed, and present. His head slowly moved as he consumed the moment and the space. I desperately wanted to know what he was thinking.

Distinctly, his phone was absent. He placed his order and waited. No need to fill time, scroll dopamine land, or any of the other things happening around him. He was not bothered by the lack of personal space as his neighbor brushed against his big shoulder. He was enjoying the moment. At least, that’s the story I told myself.

If I’m being honest, he was so calm he felt out of place. His comfortable solitude contrasted with a city of crashing humanity. I even checked for Agent K as I thought I was in a scene in Men In Black watching an offworlder interact with us humans for the first time. I wanted to talk to him.

He looked like he needed a friend, and at the same time, he seemed serenely confident in life. No rush. Just now. Maybe his life was the complete opposite. Perhaps he was there for a job interview or just finished visiting his aging mother in the hospital. Whatever the reality, he sent a vibe into the world - “I’m me, this is now, and I’m at peace.” It was wonderful.

My heart hurts a little today because I didn’t talk to him. He was deeply alone, or he knew the power of solitude. Either way, I know he had pockets full of wisdom to share - like all of us. His peaceful state won’t leave me anytime soon - particularly those interlaced fingers - waiting gently.

Here’s to more moments of resting gently in what is often not a gentle world. May we give ourselves the grace and time to enjoy it all.

Be gentle, friends.

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“What if you got fired?” That was the question I found myself asking this week. Let me explain.

Economist-philosopher and author E.F. Schumacher said,

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction.”

That quote sparked a late afternoon session of walking in circles, looking at the floor. Naturally self-critical, I was saying to myself, “What am I doing that’s getting in the way?”

Which led to management expert Peter Drucker whispering in my ear, “Stop what you would not start.” Which led to, “If I got fired, what would the next person do?”

This is a good reframe. What if you walked into the job today? What would you do differently? When outsiders join the team, they usually challenge established norms - they are catalysts. How do we artificially make ourselves a catalyst for our teams? Or for our communities?

I applaud Naval Ravikant's clarity when he says,

"Don't take yourself so seriously. You're just a monkey with a plan.”

We bring forward our lessons and perspectives but also our biases. Experience improves judgment as a general rule, and it creates blinders. Intentionality is required to see around them.

If I can put my biases, experiences, and beliefs aside for a moment, I may find more truth. Almost everything gets better with an outside perspective.

The only thing I’m sure about is I shouldn’t believe everything I think.

Keep learning, friends.

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I grew up on a small island. It was all the things you would imagine and many that you wouldn’t: the colors, the poverty, and everything in between.

My memories of being on the water run deep. Those colors are still with me - my walls, photos, clothes, and particularly when I shut my eyes.

My fondest memories are with my best friend. Shadrach came into my life when I was four. We learned to sail, swim, and get sandy together. We’d push off this tiny beach in our little sailboat. He’d stand proudly on that green deck as we thumped through the chop, picking up speed.

Moving the bow a couple of degrees to the left, she’d smooth out. We effortlessly moved over that blue-green canvas with the taste of salt in our mouths. Like the prow of a Norse raider, Shadrach stood resolute while his golden hair gleamed like the island god he was.

We’d make our way out to the reef and back with regularity. I’d push it sometimes - usually when he wasn’t with me. Pulling the sheet tighter and tighter, I leaned back over the gunnel, and she’d lean out of the water. I wanted faster. I’d pull harder. More. She’d respond.

Skimming over the surface, I go too far and pull too hard. She said that’s enough. The sail hits the water, followed by me. I’d find myself under the surface. The grasses are green, the fish are fast, and the corals are a glorious ROYGBIV. A wondrous world just a few inches away.

One day, many years later and in another country, I pulled out from under our stilt house in my little red jeep. I was 16. The air was cool, and I smelled jasmine. The top was down, as it always was, and I hit play on something - ‘Pac, STP, who knows?

He was probably lying near the foot of the stairs. I hope I slowed down enough to give his hair a tussle - more grey than golden now. Maybe I didn’t. I wish I did because that day, he wandered off into the mangroves, a place he loved, and never came back.

When I close my eyes, I see him standing there smiling at me with a coconut the size of his head in his mouth - pure joy.

In this world of go, skim, scroll, there is a power in going deep - beneath the surface. Slow down and toss an anchor overboard before you capsize. Dive in.

When we take the time to understand deeply, there is so much more to life, people, and everything else.

Take care, friends. Happy diving.

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A bit ago, I shared a piece of wisdom passed on to me by one of my favorite humans. She keeps a file of compliments that she can refer to when needed. I’ve taken her idea and incorporated it into my journaling system.

The process is humming and feels too important not to share. A piece of joy came up today that I hope I never forget. Princess Buttercup riffed on being a parent and sharing one of those difficult but beautiful days. I hope she shares it with the world one day - it’s too good.

Here goes.

Fear not this isn’t a pitch for journaling or a deep dive into the health benefits. Personally, it is a valuable part of my ‘operating system’ and helps to bring clarity while supporting a good headspace. One of my favorite parts of my journaling practice is “positive time travel.”

We are the only species we know of capable of time travel. We move freely between regret and worry - both are us misusing our imagination. While I don’t advocate regret, and mine are almost exclusively around my anger, I do think reflecting is very valuable. Revisiting your lessons and moments of joy is something we must do.

My journal practice moves fluidly between digital and analog. Periods of banging on these keys feels right and others when 80-gram paper sans the pixels fills my cup. Either way, I log my journals in an app.

Here is my system. It’s not perfect, and while I try to show up daily, I’m about as consistent as the six train.

The Tools

The App: Day One

You can get a full download of the features here. I’ll give you my highlights:

• You can have multiple journals - I keep two regularly—personal and compliments.

• Adding entries - You can add entries via the app, text (requires premium), or email. You can schedule the app to text you at a particular time each day; if you respond, it will get logged. I also forward emails to log things I want to see again, particularly compliments and articles.

• Why an app? The benefits of fireproofing the analog and the option of ‘wordless journaling.’ Wordless journaling is a simple process of selecting photos or videos from my day or week and hitting send. I get to be selective about what memory I want to see again without having big tech decide. There is power in being picky. Here is one:

• Robots: I use a service, and it has a free option that connects applications I use without code. For example, if I tap like when streaming music, it logs into my journal. I also sync my Whoop data and my workouts from Strava and Garmin.

My Analog Notebook

Mine is Leuchtturm 1917 B6+. I keep two - one blue (daily) and one black (commonplace). For the daily, I use a form of bullet journaling in the front (work, daily, etc.) and a personal journal in the back where I write back to front.

I like this notebook because it’s smaller than usual but not too small. Given my aversion to rigidity in life as a general rule, the cover is soft but durable. You can customize the pages to be lined, blank, or dots when you order. I go between, depending on mood, dots and lines.

I use the DayOne app to scan my notebook pages into a PDF and log it. The UX is simple, easy, and fast. I don’t scan the work part.

What Matters To Me

Getting Clear

Sometimes you need to get the firing neurons on paper. It’s like taking out the garbage. Practically this takes the form of brainstorming as a party of one or just venting to myself. By the time I am done, I usually finish in a good place.

Generally, but not always, objectivity and clarity find their way onto the paper. I write what I want and stop when I want. A dear friend turned me onto morning pages, and while I don’t do this completely, it’s what I kinda do.

Resurfacing

I look at my journal entries on their anniversary, whether digital or analog. It’s like your favorite social media app resurfacing memories without social pressure. Whether good (joy) or bad (lesson), it comes back for reflection. There are too many lessons and moments back there on the side of the road. We must pick them up and bring them on our journey. I’ll share one now:

Looking back on where I was, sometimes with a cringe, is valuable. Revisiting moments of joy that are too easy to forget should be mandatory for everyone.

I am also very excited to build my compliment journal - maybe because my love language is words of affirmation or because I spend too much time self-critical. Why wouldn’t we put a system in place to remind ourselves about what is lovely about us?

If you have any thoughts or recommendations, please hit me up. I’m eager to continue making this process better.

Happy time travel, friends.

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A special event on Monday was cause for time travel.

I remember it like yesterday—the smell of cheap plastic mixed with sweat. I walked to the third one on the right in a row of 15 treadmills. My form was terrible. Bang - bang - bang as my feet tried to keep up with the never-ending black belt of torture. The red numbers glared at me, whispering, “you suck, you are too slow, and you will fail Vohs - again.”

Then the beat dropped. The shady spaghetti-eating self-proclaimed rap god came at me hard.

I put the track on repeat, jammed my finger on the per-minute mile button, and ran as fast as possible. I had one shot, or so I thought. I ran so hard I was willing to have life imitate art on that gym floor. It was the Spring of 2003, and I would head to basic training two months later.

You better lose yourself in the music, the momentYou own it, you better never let it goYou only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blowThis opportunity comes once in a lifetime

Eminem turned 50 on Monday. If that doesn’t make you feel old, I don’t know what will. He has been shipping music for decades with almost 400 songs, and he gets lots of airtime when the teenagers have aux in my life.

Just a few days later, t-sway dropped another one.

Whether you love or hate her, you must bow down to the execution and relentless discipline. She keeps showing up, fighting resistance, and making art.

Flexing her PR prowess, she surprised us with an extra seven songs on this album. Make your way to the end of Midnights, and you will find track #20, Dear Reader. Here are a few lines, and I’d encourage you to give the entire piece a listen.

Dear reader,Burn all the files, desert all your past livesAnd if you don't recognize yourselfThat means you did it right

Maybe a more fitting title for this track is Dear Writer.

Take the plot somewhere new, or make what we have today even better. Remove the unnecessary while recognizing what is terrific about you and your life. Bring that forward, and don’t burn all the files. There are too many lessons and moments to cherish.

They are both advocating for growth and change. Don’t let your past, or your wounds, hold you back. Clean your lens so you can see clearly and objectively. Keep working at it, and you will become what you should be.

Be gentle with yourself. There is rarely just one shot. Nothing easy here - it takes discipline, courage, and love.

Write bravely, friends.

Credits

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Humans began sharing written words 3,500 years ago. Circa 100 BC, the first ‘books’ show up but on different sides of our little blue ball.

They were rolled bamboo held together with silk, hemp, or leather in China. This was also when, during the Tang dynasty, that woodblock printing was created. Meanwhile, in the Mediterranean, the Romans are binding vellum (made of animal skin) between wooden covers.

Fast forward another 1,500 years, in 1439, and Johannes Gutenberg invents the printing press. That story may be familiar to those in the west, but what I didn’t know was that 200 years prior, the first metal movable type was invented in what is now Korea. This would predate the printing press by more than 50 years, and the first book produced using this technology was Jikji in 1377 AD.

The 1800s saw the addition of the book cover or dust jacket. Cloth, being more durable than paper, was often used as an inexpensive substitute for leather. In 1834, Swedish chemist Carl Wilhelm Scheele discovers Chlorine, and before long, we had white paper.

When pages started turning white, only 12% of the world could read. Over the next 200 years literacy would expand and by 2016 84% of those over 15 years old would be literate. That is a staggering amount of progress. That said, massive inequalities remain today, with countries like Burkina Faso, Niger, and South Sudan still below a 30% literacy rate.

There is good news. In North Africa and the Middle East, those between 15 and 24 are 90% literate, while only 30% of those 65 and over are literate. That means, in one generation, literacy dramatically improved.

At 44, I’m thinking about my wisdom journey. How many more books do I have left to read? How much time should I allocate to reading? What do I do with the information? Given my borderline ridiculous desire for better, I’m now taking a course on becoming a better reader.

To be clear, my issue is not productivity - I want to honor and learn from the incredible prose in Where the Crawdads Sing or the pithy insight in Midnight Library. Or how do I take the lessons coming off the pages of Ryan Holiday’s books and turn them into action? Saying I read Ego is the Enemy is not helpful when my ego gets in the way of a nice evening with my son.

An interesting opposing thought is not to read more books but to re-read. Revisit where you have been and see if it lands the same or maybe something new. It’s like the second or third time you watch a movie, and you discover something that wasn’t there before. A smile, a color, or that subtle costume change that shifts the tone of the story.

As part of the course I’m taking, I’ve returned to a book I loved but have only read once. I’m going through my highlights and writing them on little note cards. A couple of passages jumped out and I wanted to share them with you.

They are relevant to my week and my humans. And maybe they will strike a chord with you. I’ll dive deeper into this wonderful work another time but feel it’s important that read it a few more times first.

The book is The Lion Tracker’s Guide to Life written by Boyd Varty. Boyd’s family converted their lion hunting land into a preserve. His close relationship with the African bush and the Shangaan are central to his story. The result is a wonderful narrative chalk full of lessons, metaphors, and wisdom about life through the eyes of a tracker.

I am grateful that I can enjoy books like this. I can find almost any book I want and buy it. I have that privilege. I know it’s not true for everyone on this blue ball. Some of them across the globe and some across the street. I’m going to think more how I can help play a role to solve that as education sits central to my own growth and the growth of our community.

I will reserve my thoughts on these passages so that you can let them sit with you as they have with me. Please enjoy and take care.

From Boyd Varty:

"We must learn to read the subtle tracks of the body, the way it relaxes and opens when something feels right, the contraction and tightness when we are not where we are meant to be."

"The father washes onto the son. He lives inside you as an aspiration, a disappointment, or a fear. Afraid you will never be like him or afraid you will be; he is there in the bones of your emotions. In the voices in your head. In your expectations of yourself. In the shadows of your weakness or strength. No matter how good the relationship, there is a tension between father and son."

"In complete solitude, I stop objectifying myself. In the bush I don’t think of myself on some social hierarchy. I don’t define my value as a comparison with others. The birds and animals don’t judge me. It’s a kind of healing in which I become human again. In complete solitude, we are not a concept of ourselves; we are ourselves."

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At first, it was called Idlewild Airport. Then it became Major General Alexander Anderson Airport, and after no small amount of city council debate, it was renamed New York International Airport, Anderson Field. A month and two days after the assassination of President Kennedy, it became John F. Kennedy International Airport or simply JFK.

The first flight took off on July 1, 1948, with US President Harry Truman in attendance. By 1954 it had the highest traffic of any airport globally. In 2019, the airport peaked with nearly 60 million travelers annually, and estimates say it will reach 100 million by 2050.

While that may seem like a lot, it doesn’t even make the top 10 busiest airports globally. Nonetheless, I found myself waiting for our bags at carousel E1 on Monday night and a little girl taught me a powerful lesson.

She was probably four, and she had entered full-blown meltdown mode. Complete with cry-screaming, kicking, and general pandemonium. The father did an admirable job taking the abuse and waiting for the storm to pass.

With a preponderance of Aruba t-shirts, I imagined this little girl, who turned out have an identical twin, had just gotten off a long flight. Her father carried her to a quiet corner and I wondered what she wanted so badly. I might be projecting here given the cause of most of my temper tantrums, but I imagined low blood sugar played a role. As he tried to talk to her, and eventually set her down, I found myself experiencing a strange emotion - jealously.

At that moment, I would have given almost anything to be in that dad’s shoes. Here’s the thing, our youngest son is nearly 12, and I can’t remember the last time I picked him up. That moment came and went. I put him down and went on with my day. No photo. No video. Just one last time. It might have been taking him to bed, a fun toss into the sofa, or that time he tipped over on his scooter. I wish I knew.

Today, I’m reminding myself to treat these moments with reverence. A sunrise, the smell of shampoo, or a great cup of coffee. That moment when a friend put his hand on my son’s shoulder at his soccer game last night in a moment of connection. Or when I got home to experience the exuberant ‘shake their whole body’ way our dogs greet me. Or that smile on my wife’s face and the excitement in her voice as she describes our holiday plans (I messed that up, BTW).

I must cherish each swim, each hug, those grass under bare feet walks, that first fall fireplace night, or a walk with my princess buttercup. Those are the things that matter. When each one is over, it is one less moment I will experience in my life. I need to honor them.

While I ‘knew’ these moments mattered, that little girl taught me the power of the last time. She taught me to cherish each time. We never know when it will be the last time.

Enjoy today, friends.

Thanks for reading Better Today Than Yesterday (BTTY)! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

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Once upon a time, I worked for company that had a bar in this hip area of NYC. I was on the job for about a week, and my new boss said, “go extend the bar by four feet.”

Being just out of the military, I barked a crisp “roger that” and marched off to execute. I was excited because I now had a chance to prove my worth. After all, I was back in the restaurant business after eight years galavanting around the Middle East and Central Asia. New York City is arguably the most competitive restaurant market in the world, and there was no small amount of self-doubt dancing in my head.

Speed of Service

While we called it a bar, it was really a nightclub. NYC 20-somethings were living their best lives dancing in what was once a subterranean horse stable under the streets of the Meatpacking District. Arches hid little nooks with retro furniture under 200-year-old bricks and a full-sized plastic horse lamp stood next to the DJ booth. True story.

If you got past the colossal man standing at the door, you would find a bar that was five deep. People couldn’t get their drinks fast enough, which was the crux of our problem.

It was not a speed of service issue for us. Our inability to get drinks out quickly was costing us money. When you have a 50%+ margin business, it’s real money. The idea was if we could extend the bar by four feet, which was technically simple, we would be able to improve drink flow and, correspondingly, revenue.

Sitting at a small table near the bar with the Director of Construction and the Beverage Director, we started to make our plans. We saw a simple problem with a simple solution. Or so we thought.

Meanwhile, the bar was getting set up for the night. A handsome bartender, let’s call him Emilio, was doing his thing. Emilio was what you would expect in a popular NYC nightclub. Confident, cool, tie a little loose, sleeves rolled up, and a swagger backed up by what was probably 140 IQ. To top it off, he also had a law degree.

I looked over and saw him shaking his head as we pontificated solutions to a problem for which we didn’t understand reality. I walked over and introduced myself. Emilio laid it on me.

Emilio: “Hey man, here’s the thing. I spend 50% of my night using that slow soda gun down there, filling glasses of water for the servers so people can try and avoid a hangover. Also, see this rack of bottles here? It’s only 24” inches long. I have to split up most of my bottles and spend too much time going back and forth between this rack and that rack.”

Me: “How do we fix it?”

Emilio: “If you give me a 48” rack here and a high-speed water pourer that the servers can use themselves, I know we will be 25% faster.”

Emilio gave us a solution that was not only cheaper but incremental. It was a two-way door. We could try this, and if it didn’t work, we could always return to the bar extension idea.

Most importantly, it was his idea, and he would be executing it. Remember, he is financially rewarded based on volume, so he is incentivized to help us solve this problem. Our interests were aligned.

The Change Process

I learned a few lessons about change that day. I’m still learning, but here is a framework that I’ve found helpful. I don’t think it’s linear, but a process that repeats as change never ends.

• Understand reality: We didn’t know the reality - Emilio knew the reality, and no one asked him.

• Identify Key Players: The key players weren’t the suits and it wasn’t me - they were the bartenders.

• Collaboratively Decide: We weren’t being collaborative. We were in our corporate bubble. The decision needs to be as close to the problem as possible.

• Execute with Buy In: Execution needs buy-in and alignment

• Stay Based Reality: We had to implement a mechanism to ensure we clearly understood results AND could stay based in reality.

We did what Emilio recommended. We took what was a $20K project, spent $1,400, and saw a 25% increase in sales. Not only was this a lesson in the change process, but also the people process.

Hire great people and ask them for help to solve your most challenging problems - if you listen to them, they usually will.

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When you think of Broadway, you probably think of shows Alladin, Wicked, and Hamilton. While these shows take place “On Broadway,” they aren’t located on the oldest North-South thoroughfare in NYC, Broadway St.

They are considered On Broadway because they have more than 500 seats. Theaters with less than 500 seats are off-Broadway. Today there are 41 On Broadway theaters and 120 off-broadway theaters. Who knew? I didn’t.

There is this thing that happens around these theaters. Restaurants all fill up fast, everyone eats, and then they empty all at the same time. It’s called pre-theater - a mad rush of humanity trying to make a night of it. One afternoon a decade ago, I found myself on Broadway - Broadway and 47th.

Before the rush, I sat with the General Manager of one of these massive pre-theater restaurants - let’s call him DF. Names are abbreviated to protect the wonderful.

He and I were both in new positions, and we spent time getting to know each other. Honestly, the ‘me’ of a decade ago was probably assessing, judging, and trying to sum him up. Sorry DF.

I asked him, “What is leadership to you?”

He said, without skipping a beat, “It’s when they know you have their best interest at heart.”

I’ve taken his lesson to every role I’ve had since and done my best to apply it. The use of heart here is intentional. It’s about love and care. We all want to be loved, and all want to know we aren’t in this alone. We want to know someone is fighting for us. Someone who will be loyal to us when we aren’t in the room.

It even means when you are telling them they no longer have a role on the team. You are doing it because it’s right for them. After all, you care about them, love them, and want them to win.

Bonus Round

A handful of years later, I’d find myself back in NYC, and another colleague would lay down more wisdom. I shared a discussion with him in a post two years ago this month and thought it worth resurfacing his terrific view on life.

He was in a car accident and had a 5% chance of survival. He stared death down and, with determination, was able to walk away. From that day on, he called his life a ‘bonus round.’ Like getting that 1Up mushroom in Super Mario Bros. An extra life.

That statement hit me hard because your lens changes when you’ve danced with death and made it home by curfew. Every day after, you feel lucky to be sucking in oxygen instead of pushing up daisies—your relationship with mortality changes.

From Meditations:

“This is how a thoughtful person should await death: not with indifference, not with impatience, not with disdain, but simply viewing it as one of the things that happen to us.”

Professional Mortality

Nothing is permanent - not you, your hair, your title, and thankfully not your ego. Your job won’t last forever - one way or another, it will end. Also, you won’t last forever - every day is a bonus.

The sooner you get comfortable with these facts, the better. As it relates to your people, ask yourself:

• Are you leading with courage, or are you trying to protect your position?

• Are you making decisions in the best interest of the team or your best interest?

When it is all said and done, do you want them to say you did what was right for your 401k or what was right for the 400 that count on you?When they know you will sacrifice for them, they will do the same for you, the mission, and the people to their left and right.

Just like you don’t want to waste your life, don’t waste your leadership opportunity. If you lead by putting people first, they usually help you solve difficult problems. Put people last, and you will come in last - one way or another.

Take Aways

• Today matters. You might not get tomorrow - act accordingly

• Lead bravely - make decisions that are best for the team, not what’s best for you

• Lead with love

I’ll leave you with this from Viktor Frankl’s book Yes to Life:

I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was duty. I worked—and behold, duty was joy.

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Rene Girard was a Stanford professor and polymath who was well known for pioneering the idea of memetic desire. He believed that human desire occurs through observant mimicry. Like an infant learning by watching her parents, we imitate others who have what we value.

We Copy

Luke Burgis, Author of the book Wanting, gets very clear when he says,

Basic survival, sustenance, sex, warmth: these are all instinctual needs for which we have biological mechanisms to help guide us.

A desire, on the other hand, is an object we pursue for which there is no purely instinctual basis. We don’t have a built-in mechanism to guide us towards wanting one thing over another. But models can. Models are people who show us what is worth wanting.”

We copy others, and for a good reason. We perceive that they are farther ahead on the journey and appear to have the answer. Stated plainly, Mimetic desire means we make our choices according to the behaviors of others. Don’t believe me? Check out this commercial for Lincoln and one of my favorite actors, Matthew McConaughey.

Well, I think he has sold a few Lincolns. By the way, I drive one, so there’s that.

Do you still need convincing? This scene in Casino Royale brings me immense joy. I watch it with a smile every time. Bond is engaged in another high-stakes poker game. Naturally, the fate of the free world rides on the outcome. Enjoy!

Room For Finding?

What happens when we find space to exist without the influence of others? Someone very famous didn’t have a choice - Beethoven. As he aged, he lost his hearing. His best work was when he was nearly deaf. Coincidence, I don’t think so. Here is how Arthur Brooks describes it,

"It seems counterintuitive, to say the least, that Beethoven became more original and brilliant as a composer in inverse proportion to his ability to hear his own—and others’—music. But maybe it isn’t so surprising. As his hearing deteriorated, he was less influenced by the prevailing compositional fashions and more by the music forming inside his head."

Don’t Compete

Beethoven’s loss of hearing took away his ability to compete. While I’m sure he didn’t view it as a gift at the time, his loss of hearing removed the competition. He had no choice but to lean into ‘his world.’

When we compete with others, we copy them. We are chasing what they have or what they are doing. That’s not healthy for us as humans or organizations. More importantly, it won’t result in the best version of the world. It will just mean more copies - more of the same.

This is something to consider as you create yourself, your product, or your community. How are you being influenced by those around you? Are you able to find the space to be you? Or are you worrying and copying what others are doing or what they have? There is only one you in the world - how can you leverage, lean in, and love that gift?

Take Aways:

• We look to others to tell us what we should desire. That’s okay, be aware.

• When we compete, we are copying.

• Make space to be you. There is no one else like you, be you. The competition is in the mirror.

One final thought, happiness is the absence of desire. I am still trying to tame my desires, but I am a little wiser influence. I’ll leave you with this quote from Lao Tzu,

"Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize nothing is lacking, the whole world belongs to you."

References:

Casino Royale. Directed by Martin Campbell. Performances by Daniel Craig. MGM, Columbia Pictures, and Eon Productions. 2006.

Brooks, Arthur. From Strength to Strength. Portfolio, 2022.

Burgis, Luke. Wanting. St. Martin's Press, 2021

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David Cain wrote This Will Never Happen Again. It’s not a long book. I recommend it if you have an hour to take some solid perspective. I’d also recommend his blog.

In the book, he says this,

"Theoretically, if you know what you love, then every time you make a decision, you’ll have a pretty damn clear idea if it’s taking you closer or further away from what you love. You’ll know the right thing to do. So self-love is a moral issue. It consists of doing the right thing."

It’s an interesting reframe. It makes loving yourself and what you do a moral issue. If we accept that loving our fellow humans is required for morality, and I do, why don’t we view loving ourselves as a moral obligation too?

Takeaways:

• Loving yourself is now a moral imperative.

• Recognize when decisions take you closer or farther from what you love.

I’ll leave you with this scene from the pursuit of happiness.

And before you go, please remember this is an important day. It is a day that saw our world change forever. Please consider taking time to honor those who fell on 9/11. Also, don’t forget the hundreds of thousands the world lost over the next two decades.

War means no one wins - when we love each other, we all win.

And for those carrying scars, grief, and loss - you aren’t alone. Stay strong, and please let me know if I can help.

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I find it easy to stumble around in the forest of my to-do’s chopping wood.

Walk, stumble, lean head against tree unable to see anything else, blindly swing ax, chop chop chop. Repeat.

With my forehead against the tree, I can’t see the path and chop whatever is in front of me. When I’m too busy chopping, I can’t take time to think clearly. Am I doing the right things? Am I planting new trees for tomorrow? If I’m not careful, I might clear-cut the whole darn place.

Chop Chop Chop

Think about your work and how you work. Are you living at the top of your inbox, reacting to the latest email (chop, chop, chop), or are you making enough space in your life to think?

Our society values doing, not thinking. Productivity, to-do lists, GSD, and hustle. We chop till we stand proudly in front of a pile of done. This doesn’t work for me. It used to, but not anymore.

A) I know I can’t do everything. My time is finite.

B) I don’t want to.

I owe it to the team, at home and work, to spend my most important currency, time, wisely.

Balloon Time

It’s easy to blame others, but we can’t control them, so let’s look in the mirror first. While we need time on our schedule to chop wood, we also need time to think about what wood to chop. Let’s call this balloon time - I’m talking about the hot air variant here.

This is when you can be still, silent, explore, and rise above the forest of your work. Gain a different perspective, surrounded by quiet, and see the path from above - the course you will walk, what wood to chop, and where to plant new trees.

In our time-starved society focused on do do do, Balloon Time won’t happen by default, only by design. You have to plan for it, schedule it, and be intentional about it. Most importantly, you must recognize it’s required to do your work well.

From renowned management guru and former Intel CEO Andy Grove:

"Forcing ourselves to concentrate on the decisions needed to fix today's problem is like scurrying after our car has already ran out of gas. Clearly, we should have filled up earlier. To avoid such a fate, remember that as you plan, you must answer the question: What do I have to do today to solve-or better, avoid tomorrow's problem?"

Takeaways:

• Schedule balloon time - time to get above the chop chop chop to think

• With the proper perspective, the path becomes clear

Sources

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My favorite movie is Braveheart. Given my desire for freedom, this one strikes a cord. The second is Gladiator, an epic action drama that I will assume most of you have seen, and if you haven’t, you have homework.

It’s another story of oppression, war, love, freedom, and sacrifice.

Here’s the gist - the father (Marcus Aurelius) has a son (Lucius Commodus), the son is immoral and all around not a good guy, the son is passed over for thrown by the father, the father dies, the son is pissed and takes it out on father’s favorite general. The general, played by Russel Crowe, makes things right - eventually.

While the storyline is fictional, two main characters, Marcus Aurelius and Lucius Commodus are not. Both lived in the mid-second century.

Marcus Aurelius

Marcus was known as the last of the five good emperors. Machiavelli coined that phrase when he said, “they had no need of praetorian cohorts, or of countless legions to guard them, but were defended by their own good lives, the goodwill of their subjects, and the attachment of the senate.”

Throughout his life, Marcus wrote 12 books titled ‘things to one’s self’ as a source for his guidance and self-improvement. What he wrote almost 2,000 years today is incredibly relevant today. For example,

“It’s silly to try to escape other people’s faults. They are inescapable. Just try to escape your own.”

It would take 1,500 years before it was translated and published as Meditations.

This is from book 12,

"It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own."

Despite being an emperor, he did not want accolades - he wanted to do his duty. He would have blushed at the idea of how far his thoughts have spread, but I think he’d be satisfied to know his struggles have provided us all with beautiful lessons on how to live a good life.

Here’s one more from book 7,

"Everywhere, at each moment, you have the option: to accept this event with humility [will]; to treat this person as he should be treated [action]; to approach this thought with care, so that nothing irrational creeps in [perception]."

Back to the movie.

In the beginning, we find Marcus on the front lines facing a germanic horde and simultaneously struggling with the idea that his immoral son, Commodus, will succeed him on the throne of the empire. This is a sicking thought for a man who never wanted to be emperor and knows Commodus is immoral and selfish.

In real life, Marcus would die, causes still unknown, near modern-day Vienna. In the movie, Commodus kills Marcus.

This happens just after Marcus tells Commodus that Maximus, the general, will succeed him and return Rome to the people. This symbolizes, for me, Commodus’s choice to choose himself over the community.

Lucius Commodus

In real life, Commodus would rule for 14 years, and compared to his father, and it would be a time of peace. What was not peaceful was the political strife he created.

Commodus cared deeply about what people thought. As he became more self-absorbed, he saw conspiracy in every corner of the coliseum for a good reason. It turns out he was right. It would take them a few attempts, but a wrestler, Narcissus, would strangle Commodus in the bath.

Psychological diagnosis aside, Commodus worked incredibly hard to create a persona that eclipsed even Marcus Aurelius. He would claim godlike status as the reincarnation of Hercules. Commodus was, in his mind, a demigod, a protector, and a warrior who could defeat any foe. He cast himself as the son of Jupiter and away from the source of his true power, his father.

He was unique and important, and he was the bringer of a new world order that only he was capable of providing. It was all about him and his legacy.

I Care What People Think Too

While few of us are immoral, and even fewer would claim to be a god, we share something in common with Commodus - we care what we people think.

If you say you don’t, well, A) Good for you or B) I don’t believe you. One way or another, I think we all do. Very few ever reach that peaceful place where they don’t give the perceptions of others a single moment of consideration.

As much as I want to say I don’t care what people think, I know it’s not true. I hypothesize that the more someone says they don’t care what people think, the more they do.

If they are anything like me, they want to be liked, admired, respected, and loved. While I have guilt when I have those feelings, I know I’m not bad. I’m just a guy trying to make it through this crazy world while dancing with all of my insecurities.

The real question for me and us is how much energy we spend on satisfying those desires. Our battery is not inexhaustible, and we need to spend that energy wisely.

How will we use our energy?

We wake up each day and have a full battery - 100%. That is the amount of energy we have to put into the world. Whether it’s our work at home, our work on ourselves, or our work for others, we only have so much energy. How much of your battery do you use seeking status up, down, or sideways?

We do it in obvious ways, like what we wear, what we drive, and where we choose to live. There are less apparent grabs for status, like what we post, what we do for a living, and if we have the luxury where we think our kids should go to school.

Our reasons for status are deep. About 800,000 years before Marcus Aurelius wrote Meditations, we find the first humans gathering around a hearth. They were in modern-day Israel and huddled around what was probably nothing more than a fire pit. They came together there to share information, food, and protection. They were a deeply connected community focused on one thing - survival.

We are all fighting to survive, sometimes in reality and sometimes in our heads. We get up each day and do the best we can. We seek meaning, purpose, belonging, and joy. And sometimes we try to put food on the table or clothes for our kids.

99% of the world is too busy worrying about their own lives and survival to worry about you. Thinking anything different is you wrapped up in your self-importance or insecurities. When that happens, remind yourself to be Marcus, not Commodus. Here is Marcus in book 4,

"The tranquillity that comes when you stop caring what they say. Or think or do. Only what you do."

Thick Connections & Community

David Brooks shares this idea of thick connection in his book The Second Mountain. This from Brooks:

“You love things that are worthy of love. You surrender to a community or cause, make promises to other people, build a thick jungle of loving attachments, lose yourself in the daily act of serving others as they lose themselves in the daily acts of serving you.”

The cycle of judgment is killing us. I judge, you judge, repeat. How do we get back to the days of thick connection? How do we build a jungle of loving attachments?

Today we have more connections, but they mean less. While some are thick, most are thin and facilitated by technology. When you aren’t walking back to the fire dragging an antelope, your contribution and relevance to the community are less clear. We question our place and feel obligated to clarify. Look at me. I’m good. Maybe my sharing here is a version of that?

Another Brooks, Arthur this time, makes this point in his article in the Atlantic when he quotes Lao Tzu:

“Care about other people’s approval, and you will be their prisoners”

Brooks goes on to say,

“I have learned that the prison of others is approval is actually built by me, maintained by me, and guarded by me.”

You are your warden in your prison of acceptance. Unlock your cell and accept you for you, not what you THINK others want you to be. You might be a work in progress but you are enough and hopefully, you can work to spend 0% of your energy seeking status - up, down, or sideways.

But wait, you don’t get a free pass because this life is not about you. Spend your status energy on doing good work and making yourself better for your community. We owe it to our community to be better today than yesterday. More from Marcus,

"Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself."

Better doesn’t mean being better than someone else. It means being better than the old you. That’s what Marcus was doing in his writing. He was struggling in his mind and trying to be BTTY while doing his duty.

You are competing against the mirror of yesterday. Your community needs you to be your best and do your duty.

Only you know what you need to do. Maybe it’s laughing more, loving more, or judging less. I need to do all of those, AND I need to downshift. I need to slow down and see the moments for what they are, my life. And see my people for what they are, my gifts.

Hitting like or leaving a comment will help this reach more people. And if you have time, please consider sharing this with someone else you think might find it helpful too.

I hope you’re good. Take care out there.

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Discovered in 1811, iodine was originally called iode from the Greek word for violet colored (ioeidēs). By 1931 it had been anglicized to Iodine, and this is where we find a little boy in a school house bathroom.

He was sent there by his teacher, Ruth Shaw, to apply iodine to a minor wound. Well, he did what little boys sometimes do, precisely the opposite of his instructions. Bright-eyed and smiling he took this bottle of purple-ish fun and got to work on the walls. Not a care in the world. Just him, his fingers, and a huge canvas.

We imagine Ms. Shaw’s reaction when she checks on him a few minutes later. Fortunately for the world, Ms. Shaw saw art, not shenanigans. This would be a moment of inspiration for her, and she would go on to patent non-toxic paint and the art of finger painting - a technique that resulted in more than a few refrigerator masterpieces.

If we take a moment to think back to this time in our lives, we were unabashed with our application of color, swirls, and all the other things your free-wheeling fingers could dream up. No judgment, no admonishment, and zero criticism. We didn’t get grades, feedback, edits, or “did you think about?”

Even when ROY G. BIV turned a solid brown, someone told you how wonderful it was and, by extension, how wonderful you were - because it was and you are.

Enter The No. 2 Pencil

Whether it was something in the water, the depression, or just chance, 1931 was also the year that a high school physics teacher, Reynold Johnson, invented the machine that could automatically score tests. This invention would end up being a boon for No. 2 pencil salespeople and their colleagues peddling it’s close cousin, the scantron.

While not Mr. Johnson’s fault, our school years would move us from paint-stained fingers to don’t color outside of the little bubble, or it will be wrong. Quite suddenly, we funnel from divergent tendencies and free-form paint swirls to something that converges on the practical—a specific pencil in a little bubble.

I am not here to admonish the educational system but only use these tiny fear-inducing circles to make a point. Society tells us it is impossible to be right if you are outside the lines. Experts, and their freewielding opinions, can make this even worse.

The Expert Trap

We all see the world through our lens - our perspective. As we look to provide feedback, it is almost impossible for us to be objective. We apply our knowledge, our preferences, and our history. While deep experience is valuable it can also kill innovation. As we become experts, we risk falling into the “expert trap.” It is too easy to believe that because of our experience, we know more or that we are right.

I’m an expert on some things and a complete dolt on others. And truth be told, I’m not sure which is which sometimes. Now, where I hold strong beliefs, you would be hard pressed to convince me to change my mind.

For example, tell me that culture doesn’t matter in an organization, only strategy. I’m not sure I’m capable of even processing that and I’m incapable of considering it without a strong bias against both the idea and the corresponding dolt.

When we become experts, real or perceived, we defend our position. We dig trenches, oil our weapons, and if we are not careful, we will die on our hill and take the entire company with us.

If you don’t believe me, let’s look at a few comments from experts.

There's no chance that the iPhone is going to get any significant market share. - Steve Ballmer, USA Today, April 30, 2007.

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
- Ken Olson, President & Founder of Digital Equipment Corporation (ever heard of them? ya, me neither)

"There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will. - Albert Einstein

Television won't last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.
-Darryl Zanuck, movie producer, 20th Century Fox, 1946.

It will be years - not in my time - before a woman will become Prime Minister." - -Margaret Thatcher, future Prime Minister, October 26th, 1969.

What flywheel will you spin?

Whether respected or feared, leaders have tremendous power. Words and actions can change the course of the team and lives. It is an enormous responsibility, and we must be thoughtful and cautious.

Here’s the dilemma. Do we share our biased opinion on how to make something better, or do we open space for confidence and creativity? I give this no small amount of consideration daily, and unfortunately, often AFTER I’ve provided my ‘expert’ opinion. My ability to see the 1% wrong and tell you while missing the 99% that’s wonderful is stunning.

As a leader, if I spend my time applying ONLY MY perspectives to YOUR ideas, I will train you to bring me what I want and what gets you the least amount of criticism. I’m saying, “color in my preverbal scantron bubble, and you win.”

Worse yet, I unconsciously encourage the ENTIRE team to converge on a normative state that gets the least amount of criticism. Criticism creates fear, and a fearful environment deters creativity. Soon we will all act the same, produce the same, and potentially find our obsolesce in the torrent of newness that is our world.

Our humans need our expertise and our Ms. Shaw. Ms. Shaw finds us coloring on the walls, and rather than a reprimand for not bringing a No. 2 pencil, she reinforces that creativity is welcome. She simultaneously fills up our confidence cup. With that, we are primed to keep creating boldly, fearlessly, and with joy.

While Buddha might encourage us to be like the boulder, unmoved by praise or blame, that is hard in reality. It is particularly hard when navigating your school or professional life when so perceive that much is on the line.

We want to know when we are doing a good job. We are like children in that respect, a nudge keeps us going. That push gets the flywheel of confidence spinning. With confidence we keep repping out the next version. And with each version, we get better together.

Take Aways

Divergent Vs. Convergent Thinking: Convergent means coming closer together, especially in characteristics or ideas. Divergent is tending to be different or develop in different directions. Careful that your innovation don’t converge into a scantron bubble.

Expert Trap: Leaders must provide their ‘expert’ opinion but be aware of their blindspots and tendency to defend their hill. To avoid this, approach situations as a student, not a teacher. Curiosity is medication for this ailment.

Sometimes people need confidence, not criticism.

I hope you found this helpful. And if you did hit, like, I would love for you to leave me a comment or better yet share it with someone else who might find this helpful to. I hope you're good out there. Take care.

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TRANSCRIPT

For me, life has this sneaky habit of adding more. More appointments, calories, expectations, more desires. My ability to say ‘yes’ is prolific for those who know me. A glance at my calendar, and you will see what I mean.

Arthur Brooks shares a piece of wisdom in his new book worth spreading. It was a story about the difference between Western and Eastern art...kinda.

A Blank Canvas?

Ok, close your eyes. Visualize someone about to make art. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

For me, it’s a canvas. A blank canvas on an easel with a paint-splattered human prepared to turn that sea of white into something else. They are probably getting ready to create happy trees.

Brooks shares a story of traveling in China. His guide related this straightforward but impactful analogy.

In the west, art is a blank canvas that you fill up. In the east, art is removing the parts from a piece to create something beautiful.

The Great Accumulators

I hesitate to give you a trite analogy such as “we are the sculptor of our life,” but the more I think about it, the more I think it’s true.

We are born, and over the years, we add. We add skills, possessions, desires, ideas, fears, and talents. We are great accumulators.

If you are like me, maybe not everything you accumulate is useful. At a minimum, the once useful becomes less useful, but I still hold on. Things, relationships, desires, and fears. Some of my reasons are intentional, and I am very self-aware. Others, more unintentional, and I’m clueless.

At some point, we start to realize what matters. We gain clarity and the necessary tools with age, experience, and repetitions - tools to protect and remove.

For me, saying yes is still a massive weakness. At work, at home, and in my head. I see clearly that I am saying yes to what matters by saying no.

If we remove the unnecessary, we find the necessary. And we find ourselves—our beautiful self.

I know I can do most things well, but I can be extraordinary at what matters with focus. Wish me luck. ;).

An Incredible Human, Who Mattered

Before I go, I wanted to share something that happened this week. Early one morning, I found myself binging on some of Robin Williams's best scenes.

I’m unsure what provoked me to start googling him and his lines. That night Princess Buttercup would tell me it was the anniversary of his passing.

Thank you, universe, for reminding me that this world had an incredible human that brought so much joy. Also, thank you for reminding me that we each have hopes, struggles, talents, and dreams.

Let’s help each other with those. As we consider the loss of this incredible human, let’s not forget to check on our humans. So many struggle but don’t share. They think they are alone. They aren’t. Hug your humans.

We are on this journey together. You never know when that hug might mean all the difference in the world. Something to consider as we think about what we add and remove from our lives.

Take care out there…and more importantly - in there.

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TRANSCRIPT

Over the last year, we have been searching for several senior executives to join our team. While we have an extraordinary team, we have bumped into resource constraints. Said plainly, we don’t have enough time. The business doubled, the team tripled, and the caffeine intake quadrupled.

Whenever I spoke to a prospective candidate, I would find myself saying we need additional ‘executive capacity.’ Given my disdain for buzzwords, an internal voice would come over the PA and say, “You need to be clear, Kelly. What the heck is executive capacity anyways?”

Throughout those searches, I formed my perspective and thought I’d share how I describe executive capacity and, by extension, what it means to be an executive.

Titles, positions, and more buzzwordiness.

Organizations have managers, directors, Vice Presidents, Senior Vice Presidents, Executive Vice Presidents, and Senior Executive Vice Presidents - phew. That's a lot.

But wait, there are more. There are CEOs, CIOs, COOs, CTOs, CDOs, CMOs, CLOs, CPOs, and CAOs. There are two CAOs - accounting and administration. There are even CHOs - Chief Happiness Officers. No, really. It's a thing.

I'm missing some Cs, Vs, and who knows what else. I loathe titles but recognize their usefulness in providing clarity - maybe.

Along with all of these titles, we have managers and leaders. With no shortage of answers in the world describing the difference between those, I'll leave it to the google machine to answer that fully. Because I believe executives must be both managers and leaders, I want to share my thoughts on the differences quickly.

Management = head focused

Leader = heart focused

Executive Capacity - what the heck?

Like being a leader, a title does not grant you entrance into Executiveville. This is about capability and capacity.

Executives are:

Vertical experts

Horizontally connected

Calm and calming

Clarifiers

Simplifiers

Now let’s dive into each one.

Vertical Experts

Deep functional expertise allows executives to go” vertical” They know their functional area (finance, marketing, etc.) better than most. They can go deep and get down into the weeds, or they can go very high and paint a vision related to their functional area.

Horizontally Connected

While they are world-class vertically, they know enough to pick their head up out of their functional silo and look left and right. They understand the adjacent verticals enough to think through the issues and opportunities. They are dot connectors. They are capable of bringing disparate ideas, functions, and people together.

Additionally, they recognize that they play a role in a larger group. As an executive, they must fight against creating silos of excellence and fiefdoms. They are particularly passionate about NOT weaponizing of power, information, or title.

Calm & Calming

A tremendous amount falls on these leaders’ shoulders- the organization's requirements, the emergencies, and the needs of their humans. Generally, their choices range from horrible to cataclysmic. It can feel like a front-end loader is constantly dumping massive rocks into their rucksack of responsibility.

Executives have a superpower - they respond, not react.

They handle stress and pressure while maintaining composure. Over their career, they have faced issue after issue, and ultimately it all works out - one way or another. Most importantly, they know what to do when faced with tough situations or decisions.

For me, when the pressure is at its highest, I have five things I try to remember. I might not always be successful, but I give it my best.

1. Focus on what I can control

2. Stay positive

3. Stay consistent but flexible

4. Communicate constantly

5. Don't forget the mission

They know they must manage their psychology and put their oxygen masks on before helping others.

Clarity

As the pressure mounts, executives work to see what is happening. They want to understand reality, not perceptions. They seek clarity of thought, communication, and priorities.

They work to slow down, even stop, to assess the situation. They know the fog of war has an astonishing ability to enable bad decisions. They work to let the water settle so they can see the bottom clearly.

Maintaining internal clarity is crucial. It's impossible to be clear with the team if you can’t see clearly inside yourself. Clarity allows them to quickly work with their teams to take the rocks in their rucksack and redistribute them. Either to other teammates or, better yet, toss them out entirely and leave them on the side of the road.

While it can be frustrating to those around them, they also try to make decisions as late as possible. The answer is often clear, but they don't make decisions until they must. This provides more time for more information and to let things develop. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

I love this from Peter Drucker

“There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.”

If you haven't read the Effective Executive, I highly recommend it. I will share my highlights in the notes below.

Simplify, Simplify, Simplify

Given the complexities of the modern world and the fact that humans are infinitely complex, executives must simplify, simplify, and simplify more. Simple in ideas and communication.

Executives must chip away all the noise to help everyone understand what is happening and what we must do next. There is nothing easy about that, and it takes time.

To be clear, simple is hard. In 1857 Henry David Thoreau wrote a letter to a friend and commented on the difficulty of simplifying.

Not that the story need be long, but it will take a long while to make it short.

Takeaways about Executives

Functional (vertical) experts

Horizontal dot connectors while constantly breaking down silos

They are calm - they respond, not react

Clarity: ABC - Always Be Clarifying

Simplicity is hard - when you think it's simple, make it 50% simpler.

I hope you found this helpful. And if you did, please share it with someone, tap like, or leave a comment.

Take care out there.

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I wanted to share a few takeaways and ‘ahas’ from a book by one of my favorite authors.

The book is The War of Art, and the author is Steven Pressfield. He was first introduced to me when a ripped copy of Gates of Fire - a novel about the battle of Thermopylae, made its way around a small cohort of us in basic training.

This is an extraordinary account of what the men of Sparta did and didn’t do at the hot gates as they faced the Persian horde led by Xerxes. In many ways, we wanted to be just like them. We were ready to meet our fate with our brothers with dreams of being sent off like Leonidas was in the movie 300.

[AUDIO CLIP PLAYING NOW… go listen 😉]

If you have never heard of Gates of Fire, maybe you know Pressfield’s first book, The Legend of Bagger Vance. This later became a movie starring Matt Damon and Will Smith. Bagger Vance, played by Smith, materializes when the protagonist, Damon, needs him.

Here’s a piece of his wisdom we should all take to heart.

“Yep... Inside each and every one of us is one true authentic swing... Somethin' we was born with... Somethin' that's ours and ours alone... Somethin' that can't be taught to ya or learned... Somethin' that got to be remembered... Over time the world can, rob us of that swing... It get buried inside us under all our wouldas and couldas and shouldas... Some folk even forget what their swing was like…”

Pressfield has worked at his craft for a long time. At 78, he has published more than 20 books, and he’s still going. Astonishingly, he didn’t publish his first book until he was in his mid 50’s. He consistently wrote for 17 years before being paid for his work.

I often revisit several of his books, and The War of Art is at the top of that list. Pressfield wrote this in response to being constantly asked by friends “how to turn the corner, make art, or start a business.” His answer - don’t let resistance win.

Resistance

Resistance, a universal force, has one mission - to keep things as they are. It is what keeps you from achieving your dreams and taking creative action. It shows up in the form of self-doubt, procrastination, and fear.

This from The War of Art -

Resistance cannot be seen, touched, heard, or smelled. But it can be felt. We experience it as an energy field radiating from a work-in-potential. It’s a repelling force. It’s negative. Its aim is to shove us away, distract us, and prevent us from doing our work.

Pressfield’s point is whether you are trying to start something new, write your novel, make your art, or get in shape - resistance shows up. It’s that little voice in your head telling you all the reasons why you can’t or shouldn’t.

It’s when you say it’s too cold, too rainy, or your knees are too arthritic. It’s those unopened paint tubes and cellophane-wrapped canvases. It’s an evening of binging your favorite show instead of writing. Or the chatter in your head telling you someone else is better or you’re not good enough. It’s when your internal monologue is chock-full of ‘can’t’ and all the other justifications you feed yourself.

Pressfield describes how resistance is here, disguised - it’s like the terminator in the way.

Resistance is fear. But Resistance is too cunning to show itself naked in this form. Why? Because if Resistance lets us see clearly that our own fear is preventing us from doing our work, we may feel shame at this. And shame may drive us to act in the face of fear.

Resistance is unapologetically here to kill - your dreams. Seemingly produced by Skynet, it travels from the future to hunt you. It’s staring down at you when your alarm goes off and graciously helps you find the snooze button on your life.

The Evil Sidekick

Resistance has a sidekick - rationalization. That devious devil makes us feel better about many things - that donut, skipped workout, or a job masquerades as some story we are telling ourselves. Even worse, that career we pursued either to satisfy our parent’s dreams, chase status, or commas in our bank account.

It is as indiscriminate as rain. Rationalization steers towards easy now, hard later. Maybe you are stronger than me, but I don’t go a week, perhaps even a day, without letting this cagey little bugger own me.

Resistance, and rationalization, want you to fail. It will show up and do everything in YOUR power to shut you down—day after day.

The Bad News?

The bad news - is it NEVER goes away. Like the terminator, try to drown it in a vat of molten metal, and it will keep coming. It will keep hunting you with its beady little red eyes, trying to kill - your dreams.

[AUDIO]

Pressfield shares that resistance showed up even when writing The War of Art. Telling him that he had no business trying to share any wisdom with the world. As prolific as he is, he beat resistance back each day by hammering out those pages. Bottom line, he got to work — day after day after day.

The Good News?

Here’s the good news - resistance and its evil partner, rationalization, can be tricked and starved. First, they’re yours. They’re in your head telling you your own ridiculous stories. Second, they are your compass pointing you where you need to go. Pressfield explains.

Like a magnetized needle floating on a surface of oil, Resistance will unfailingly point to true North.

Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul's evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.

This last sentence is the most important, so I’ll repeat it.

The more important a call or action is to our soul's evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.

Do you want more good news? Resistance is feeding on your fears. That’s its fuel, and fear is 100% internal. It is a thought, and thoughts are something you can control. Maybe not your first thought, but all the thoughts after that.

Right now, a voice is whispering that what I put into the world is not good. I’m a terrible writer for all kinds of reasons. That people will judge me and criticize me. Also, others are doing it, and who do I think I am? Who am I to think that the rants of this guy matter? All of that is resistance, and it’s in my head (or maybe you agree…see what resistance did there 😉).

As with everything, I’m not sure I have any of this under control. I’m sharing because my gut is that I’m not alone.

Tomorrow morning you will step into the ring with resistance and go toe to toe. Get honest with yourself. Is it keeping you from doing what you should do? Or from what you want to do? Are you hitting snooze on the real you?

And as you think about that, know that resistance will show up and get to work. The question is, are you?

My Takeaways:

1. Resistance is trying to keep things as they are

2. I am fueling resistance with MY fear

3. Show up and do the work - resistance hates that

4. Resistance is pointing you in the direction of your soul’s evolution

I will leave you with this scene from Bagger Vance. Let’s not get to the end of your spins on this little blue dot with too many woulda’s, coulda’s, and shoulda’s.

Yes you can... but you ain't alone... I"m right here with ya... I've been here all along... Now play the game... Your game... The one that only you was meant to play... Then one that was given to you when you come into this world... You ready?... Strike that ball Junuh don't hold nothin back give it everything... Now's the time... Let yourself remember... Remember YOUR swing... That's right Junuh, settle yourself... Let's go... Now is the time, Junuh...

I hope you found this helpful. If you did, please share it with someone, tap like, or leave a comment.

Take care out there. 🤟

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Note: This post is made for listening :) but I’m including the transcript if that is not your jam.

TRANSCRIPT

[00:00:00] Hey there. I wanted to follow up on my other note about one of two things leaders are responsible for. The second one is compensation. And there's a whole lot to unpack there, so let's try to do it through a little bit of a story. I'm going to answer a question I get all the time, and that's “why did you join the army?”

[00:00:18] And the reason is pretty simple, it was about compensation.

Why did I join the army?

[00:00:22]

Let's go back 20 years, and it's 9/11. I remember very clearly where I was maybe like, most of you. I was at The Breakers, which is a posh hotel in Palm Beach, Florida.

That Tuesday morning, I found myself in a meeting room getting ready to give a presentation on a new piece of software. News started to trickle in that something had happened in New York and it wasn't clear how bad it was.

More information would come and we'd realize that something horrific had happened.

[AUDIO CLIP]

It was a very emotional day for everyone, and we'd spend the balance of it huddled around the TV, listening and trying to learn what was going on? I'm trying to understand what was happening in new Yorkers, what would happen to our country, and what our future would be like? What we did know is it was all going to be very different.

A Decision

A couple of days later, I woke up and I made a decision. Channeling a very famous scene from the movie Patton and my grandfather, I decided that I wanted to join the Marine Corps. In fact, I wanted to be a pilot. So I marched down to the Marine Corps recruiting office and I started that process.

Over the course of the next few months, and a lot of tests and a lot of things, the Marine Corps told me that I wasn't cut out to do that. They wanted me to be an infantry officer and that's not what I wanted. I think if I look back, it was purely a lack of commitment on my side. Maybe too slow, maybe too colorblind, but if I wanted it, I probably could have gotten it.

[00:03:48]

And if I'm being honest, I quit. Now the good news is a couple of weeks later I'd say something that would change my life forever and really impact everyone around me.

At the hotel, there was a long hallway, a very narrow hallway, the kind where you have to step aside so two people can pass each other. On the walls, they had motivational posters from the 1990s, complete with eagles soaring and all the things.

Now, this was the time before we all started pushing pixels via email and you had to get your information from printed documents. Down on the right, there is a small room about the size of a closet. This was a mail room. This is where those documents ended up in little slots on the wall.

[00:04:33]

I remember that day. I remember what the room smelled like, the temperature, and a beige phone sitting on the counter. My vision started to blur and that phone was my focus and I said out loud, "If there's ever another war, I'm gonna enlist."

Don't pass go. Don't collect $200. Skip all your egotistical dreams about being a Marine or a Naval aviator or any of those things. Just go get in the fight, Vohs. Now looking back, that was a little naive - but that's what happened.

I had a deep, deep, emotional desire to serve a country that had given me so much. I knew for the rest of my life, that it was going to give me more. I needed to do something about it. I needed to serve. At my core, I wanted to defend freedom as hokey as that sounds. That's my, "why."

[00:05:26]

It's also part of the reason why I ended up picking to go and special forces because their motto is De Oppresso Liber - "to free the oppressed". Now if I reflect back and go a little deeper, there are other emotions at play here, some of them were, self-centered like a desire for admiration and an immature understanding of war highly influenced by Hollywood.

So not long after that speech to myself, we would end up invading Iraq. And whether you agree with the politics or not, that at 26 year old, we returned to that moment in that mail room and that beige telephone and he got to work. Two weeks later, on my mom's birthday, I would end up enlisting. Happy birthday, mom.

[00:06:09]

Here's the deal. My ratio changed. My compensation ratio.

The Compensation Ratio & The Three Types of Compensation

Economical

[00:06:21]

The first is economical. What am I going to get paid?

We all need or want to put food on the table, steaks in the freezer, and Tesla's on the charger. Now as leaders, there are a couple of questions we should ask about the economical form of compensation for our team.

Are people being paid well, and how does it compare to the market?

What would it cost to replace this role?

And most importantly, do they feel valued for what you're paying them?

Experiential

The second is experiential.

Everyone, whether they realize it or not wants to grow and get better.

Ask yourself, are you providing an opportunity for people to gain experience?

Are you providing them with opportunities for education?

Is there learning curve steep?

A near-vertical learning curve is better. A job that challenges you 90% of the time is the right job. Now here's the thing, I use the word opportunity intentionally because you can't lead a horse to water and make' them drink. But you need to give the team opportunities to learn and grow.

Emotional

[00:07:20]

The last one, and the most important if you asked me, is emotional.

The one truly non-renewable resource we have is time. We can't get it back. We want to spend our time doing good things with good people. Things that matter with people we love. We want to wake up and look at our calendar on that little Star Trek inspired device and say, it's going to be a good day.

We want to have a deep, emotional connection to the people around us and to the mission. This is where leaders come in. They shine a light on the path. This is the mission, this is where we're headed, and this is why we're going to spend our most valuable currency, time, going after it.

What’s the right ratio?

What's the correct ratio? Only you can answer that and it's probably going to change over the course of your life. Everyone's different.

For the most part, there are deep reasons why we do what we do. Stories usually go back to our childhood. Around money, love, admiration, and the other things that have shaped us.

[00:08:18]

As you think about why people stay on your team or why you do what you do. It's always about compensation.

Do we pay them well?

Are they growing and learning?

Are they connected to what they do and who they do it with?

If you don't provide them those opportunities, I promise you, somebody else will.

We Want Missionaries, Not Mercenaries

[00:08:36]

Let's pause for a moment and talk about money. We all have different desires for various reasons. Maybe you need to put food on the table, maybe you want a submarine or a helicopter, and maybe you just need to pay for your great aunt's nursing home that you don't tell anybody about. We may never be able to understand everybody's wants or needs, just let them be them.

That said, we have to be very careful when somebody's compensation ratio is near a hundred percent focused on economics. Let's put those living paycheck to paycheck or near poverty aside for a moment. If you have someone on your team that’s coming in every single day and all they care about is how much they are making, that's a problem. And that can be caustic.

After all, we want missionaries, not mercenaries.

My Ratio Changed, Again

[00:09:23]

Speaking of missions and mercenaries, I would end up getting out of the army and it was because my compensation ratio changed, again.

Specifically the emotional part. The mission changed. Princess Buttercup and I had welcomed three barrel-chested freedom fighters into the family. And now it became less about fighting for freedom and more about fighting for them.

The new mission for me was to be the very best father and husband I could possibly be. And I felt that I wasn't going to be able to be that person that I wanted to be.

[AUDIO CLIP]

There are green Berets out there that are able to do both - be an incredible father/husband and be a Green Beret, but that wasn't me. I tip my hat to them, but I had to hang up my little green hat so that I could focus on those little men.

My gut is that as I get older and wiser, my compensation ratio is not done changing. I continue to get clearer and clearer on what is most important to me in life and what my humans around me need from me.

Well, I hope you found this helpful. These are just some thoughts from a guy making it up as he goes. And if you did find it helpful, please share it with someone. And whatever you do, take care out there.

[00:10:54]

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About ten years ago, I was fortunate to attend the JetBlue orientation. What they do is incredible. On day one, everyone attends orientation. The day starts with senior executives joining and introducing themselves. So far, good, but not a big deal.

The big deal? Either the C.E.O. or the number two attends every orientation in person. That means, whether you are a baggage handler or an executive, you start on day one with the same attention. They take action to make you feel deeply cared for and important - because you are important. I spoke with a former senior executive there on Friday, and they still do it. Bravo friends.

For me, I must meet with everyone who joins the team. We are still small enough that it’s possible. But hiring 110 people so far this year makes it challenging. It’s also tough to make deep connections which are central to leadership.

In addition to making a connection, I owe them an explanation of what they can expect from me. I also need their help holding me accountable. To do that, I share my perspective on what I do and what I expect their leaders to do.

I used the analogy that leadership is like a road trip for a while. That long stretch headed towards something meaningful.

On that trip, you play different roles. You drive, navigate, and sometimes sit in the back asking questions. Are we there yet? Can we stop at In-N-Out? Maybe you fill the tank with gas, change a tire, or take Aux - that’s “teenage” to control the playlist for those uninitiated. Hopefully, you listen and try not to tell the driver how to drive. I love the road trip analogy, but it wasn’t enough.

C.A.R.E.

Leadership is about love - love of the mission and humans- and practicing enough self-love to keep it all together. Leaders are ‘responsible’ for the C.A.R.E. of the team. Here’s what that means.

Clarity

Alignment

Resources

Emotional Connection

Clarity

Where are we going (vision)?

What are we going to do (strategy)?

How are we going to behave (culture)?

Why are we going to do it (mission)?

Do we still understand reality?

You will note the absence of “How are we going to do it?” Leaders are not responsible for all the answers but accountable for the decisions.

Leaders must ask questions, listen, synthesize, and remind. They are the keepers of the vision, the explainers, the inspires, and the clarifiers. They must keep an open mind to change while also being a broken record.

“This is where we are going (vision), this is what we agreed we would do (strategy), this is how we will behave (culture), and this is why we are doing all of this (mission). Quick question, does that all still make sense (reality check)?”

Alignment

Are we all walking down the same path? Are we all clear on where we are going?

“Hey John, come back - you are chasing a shiny butterfly again.”

“Who needs a flashlight? That’s a tree, not a monster. Let’s keep going.”

“Are we still headed where we wanted to go? Do we need to adjust the course?”

Resources

Does everyone have what they need to do what the team needs them to do? Time, money, training, tools, etc.

Resources are essential and often overlooked. Someone joins our team, and we toss them the keys and say, “Go forth and do good things.” Regardless of seniority, you owe expectations, training, tools, and feedback - and make sure you sprinkle that all with a bit of inspiration.

Most importantly, you are the resource - you work for them. Organizational charts are upside-down pyramids. Step in when they need you and step back so they can shine.

Emotions

We are emotional - embrace it. This makes anything to do with humans complicated and leadership hard. We all bring different needs, histories, and languages to the group.

Here are some questions to consider:

Do you make them feel safe? Not from physical harm but emotional harm.

Do they feel that you have their best interest at heart? Even when you are having hard conversations or making hard decisions?

Have you created an environment where people can connect and care about the people around them? Or do they have to worry about protecting themselves?

Have you synthesized the mission into something everyone can understand and believe? Can they get emotional about it?

Everyone wants to do things that matter. Jump out of bed matter. Do they realize what they do matters? Have you told them?

Do they feel loved? They want to be loved for who they are, what they do, and their impact.

Hard Stuff

None of this is easy. Humility, resilience, courage, empathy, and the need to be multi-lingual are all required. This is in addition to being technically competent enough to earn the team’s respect.

Also, you need to take care of yourself, so you can stay calm and stay clear. Stress, anxiety, and fear can cloud your judgment. When you lack internal clarity, you can’t provide external clarity.

Make it about them, not you. Lead with love, questions, and trust - they will follow you. Get up each day and do your best. Just try and be better today than yesterday. Nothing easy about this, but don’t forget that we are all just making it up as we go.

If you liked this, please take a minute to share it with someone who may find it helpful.

Up next is the second part of what I do - compensation. Stay tuned and take care out there.

PS - it’s important to state I won’t claim to do any of this perfectly, rather it’s what I try to do.

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I took another personality test this week as part of my work. It was enlightening, scary, and chock-full of reality. Also, it clicked for me that we are all different. That may seem incredible, but it’s true. I think I understood it intellectually, but I see it now.

I’ve spent much time working on understanding myself, my motivations, and my why. I do this to try and be the best version of myself I can be. Buried deep are the reasons why I show up the way I do: money stories, admiration stories, and love stories.

The Lens We Create

These stories color my expectations of myself and others. They help create a lens through which I view life. This lens is contoured by the times when it went right and when it went sideways - by the celebrations and by the defeats.

We act differently and for different reasons. Even for the people closest to me, I’m still trying to figure out why they do what they do. And for myself, I’ve been around for 15,000 sunrises, and I’m only starting to let the water settle enough to see glimpses of my why.

People Are Good

Most people want to wake up, be good, and do good things. They want their life to have meaning and purpose. They want joy and to enjoy. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way, and it’s not always their fault.

Now, I believe everyone needs to take responsibility for their actions and life — I also recognize a ‘why’ in every action. People don’t intentionally do a terrible job at work, cleaning their room, or communicating in relationships. Let’s not put them in a box, regardless of the label, and leave them there.

But People Are Complicated

Humans are complex, and we react to internal and external pressures. We do things we feel are correct at the moment but may look different in the rear view mirror.

Let’s complicate this further. 1 in 5 adults in the US live with a mental illness, and 1 in 6 US youth aged (6-17) experience a mental health disorder each year. Look around the room, the dinner table, or the screen - 20% probably need more help than you think.

Additionally, we’ve all had varying degrees of support throughout our lives. Different role models, levels of love, education, and privilege have shaped us. And in some cases, the complete absence of some or all of those. What do we do about it?

Let’s Be Complicated, Together

Here is the good news. There is more good in the world than bad. More people are inclined to help than hurt. It may not always feel that way, but it’s true. Here are two choices we can make.

Assume positive intent. Decide they are doing their best. If you can help, help. If you can’t help, at least don’t hurt. You can apply this to yourself too.

Ask for help. This is a sign of strength, not weakness - let’s not forget that.

I’ll leave you with this from Dale Carnegie:

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain. And most fools do. But it takes character and control to be understanding and forgiving.

I hope you found this helpful, and if you did, please share it with someone else who might too.

Stay strong out there. Take care.

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Let’s roll the clock back a bit. I was sure I wouldn’t make it out alive when I joined the Army. And if I’m being honest, I took risks that I shouldn’t have. The good news is I was wrong. Not everyone was so lucky.

When I left the Army, I re-entered the civilian world with a different view of death. I had accepted it as inevitable, but not in a positive way. Worse still, there were times that I embraced in an unhealthy way. For those that struggle with depression and think you’re alone, you aren’t.

You see, we are masterful storytellers. We are probably the only species on this planet capable of time travel visiting the future and past with regularity. That allows worry and regret to wander around, spotlighting monsters who lurk in the shadows with names like rejection, loss, loneliness, or failure. We even travel back in time and relive moments that haunt us.

Your Brain, On Fear

There are two ways we categorize things: threat or non-threat. With a perceived threat, your body changes. A small part of your brain, the amygdala, goes to work and takes over. Hormones are released, blood starts flowing, and you prepare for a fight (or flight). You probably know exactly how that feels, and maybe you know the science too.

Let’s pause for a moment, and this is important. We are constantly categorizing threat or non-threat. Once upon a time, it was about saber-tooth tigers. Today it’s your co-worker, a comment from a partner, your latest scroll through comparison world, or the email you just opened at your kid’s soccer game. Okay, back to the science.

As some parts of your brain are gearing up, others are shutting down. The cerebral cortex, the area responsible for reasoning and judgment, becomes impaired. Said another way, you become foggy and start to make poor decisions. You stop being logical, and this takes ugly forms.

Stress, anger, anxiety, frustration, and their accomplices show up. Your aperture closes, your viewpoint narrows, and your perceived alternatives reduce. Since you are focused on survival, you concentrate on the ‘bad’ and let the one thing you can control run wild, your thoughts.

James Allen shares in As A Man Thinketh -

“You cannot directly choose your circumstances, but you can choose your thoughts, and so indirectly, shape your circumstances.”

Your Brain, On Reality

Nothing is permanent. Not you, not me. Nothing. Everything is in a constant state of transformation and at some point, it will be all something else. Not gone, just something else. Why does this matter?

The threat of change is what causes fear. If we get comfortable with the inevitability of change, we can see fear for what it is - a thought that you let become a story.

Truly understanding that fear is a ‘thought’ you can control is a superpower. This allows you to reset your brain and lean into logic, rather than emotion. If you let your sabertooth tiger emotions possess you, you will react when what you must do is respond.

Your Thoughts

I haven’t found anything in the world I can control except my thoughts - and even that’s a struggle. Thoughts are what matter because they are what you will become. All you achieve or fail to achieve will be the product of your thoughts - we must think carefully.

James Allen, with a beautiful analogy for the mind.

Your mind is like a garden. Just as a gardener cultivates their plot, keeping it free from weeds and growing the flowers and fruits they require, they tend the garden of their mind, weeding out all the wrong, useless, and impure thoughts. They cultivate flowers and fruits of right, useful, and pure thoughts. By pursuing this process, they sooner or later discover that they are the master-gardener of their soul, the director of their life. They also reveal how thoughts force the shaping of their character, circumstances, and destiny.

Good thoughts bear good fruit, bad thoughts bad fruit.

My Brain, On Hope

I’m a bit embarrassed when I reflect on ‘the me’ a decade ago. Actually, I cringe. Fortunately, many things have changed about me over the years. Some good, some bad. I hope those around me would say that the bad gets less bad, and the good gets more good. Ten years from now I hope to reflect on the ‘today me’ and be equally embarrassed. If I’m not, I’m doing it wrong.

And coming back to mortality, today I think about it very differently. I work to make decisions each day to honor that eventual change without fear. I try to do that by loving each moment, even the ‘bad’ ones.

I hope this weekend finds you celebrating with friends and family - celebrating courage, freedom, and who we have, not what we have.

Take care out there 🤟.

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NOTE: Made for listening :). The transcript is included below if reading is better for you.

A hurricane took away the first thing I bought with my own money.

Not quite a teenager yet, a summer of washing dishes resulted in $345. Every penny went to a new camera and film. Unfortunately, that camera, and all of those photos, were lost in 1989 in Hurricane Hugo - but my love for light and art wasn’t.

With photography, you can stop the world from spinning. With the right light, and perspective, you can capture something compelling. Photography is about perspective. You have to stop and see what is there. If you aren’t present, you’ll miss it.

Technically it is light that makes photos and how much you let hit the film is what matters. This is purely the mechanical opening and closing of a small part of the lens - the aperture.

Ego plays a similar role. When you approach things with a strong ego, it’s like looking through a paper towel tube held up to your eye. This gives you a very limited point of view.

When you check your ego, you put down that tube and let in the light. It doesn’t mean you have to change your mind, but at least you are not confined to a narrow perspective.

There are 7.9 billion perspectives on this mostly blue ball - this should make us excited, not defensive. It is impossible for us to all have the same perspective and that is wonderful. Yet we often enter conversations with a need to either be right or not wrong.

The person across from you has been through a life and collected so much. Your time with them is an opportunity to learn. How do you get comfortable with the idea that you’ve run into someone who can teach you something? Who may change your mind? Who may shift your perspective?

I recently re-read To Kill A Mocking Bird and I love this line from Atticus Finch:

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from their point of view...until you climb into their skin and walk around in it.”

When we listen, everyone wins

Listening is a win/win for everyone. The listener gets to take in perspective, knowledge, and maybe even wisdom. The speaker gets to be heard, feel special, and experience someone caring about them. Loving them. When we take the time to listen, we learn.

What is essential about listening, and maybe this is where it is lost, is it doesn’t mean agreeing. No rule says, “You can try and teach me, but I must teach you too.”

It’s not a competition

Society has put us in a position where we think we have to compete. We are constantly scrolling through competition. If you are better, I’m worse. If you are winning, I’m losing.

We are all on very different paths. We all have different hopes, dreams, talents, advantages, and struggles. What’s easy for you is hard for me. What’s easy for me is hard for you. Our equations are different, yet we find it incredibly easy to compare ourselves. That is all self-induced, and it needs to stop.

Stopping is about stopping

Stop Moving: Stop moving in your mind and stop moving physically. Square up and focus. When someone is talking, listen. If you care, take notes and ask questions. Treat them like a teacher and seek to understand. Say “Tell me more” until there is no more.

Stop Comparing: You CAN win without someone losing. If you genuinely care about yourself, stop letting your ego get in the way of your progress. Your competition is in the mirror, not out the window.

Stop Competing: We win when we get better - whatever better means to you. The truth is, you may find more joy and peace in helping others win.

Stop Being Unkind: The words we use matter. Words like “please” and “thank you.” Words like, “tell me more.” Also, words like “you are right.” Or especially words like, “I was wrong.” When you agree with someone, don’t hesitate to say “you are right.” Just make sure it is followed by a period not a “but.”

Life is just perspective. And while it may seem that we can control very little, we can always control our perspective.

Finally, I’ll leave you with this beautiful exchange between Scout and Atticus - again from To Kill a Mockingbird -

Scout says:

“Atticus, he was real nice...”

Atticus replies:

“Most people are Scout, when you finally see them.”

Take care out there.

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NOTE: #020 was made for listening :)

It was arguably one of the best concerts I've ever attended. A semi-circle of musicians brought us seven songs with a number of impromptu solos. It was beautiful.

This group of nervous but confident fifth graders found themselves in a dark, windowless room with excited and proud parents. I arrived curious but excited, and if I’m honest, I left a little bit wiser. Here are some of my takeaways.

Stillness

“We must be silent before we start,” said the teacher in a gentle but non-negotiable manner.

In the world of fidgety tweens, there is utility in requiring stillness and silence. But it was clear this teacher was sharing something more profound, and it was no accident. These brave girls and boys were practicing one of the secrets of a peaceful life.

Ryan Holiday in Stillness is the Key:

“We must cultivate mental stillness to succeed in life and to successfully navigate the many crises it throws our way.”

Or from James Allen in his 1903 pamphlet

“Self-control is strength; Right Thought is mastery; Calmness is power.”

My takeaway: Stop. Focus. Be still. You got this.

Be Brave. We Are All A Work In Progress

The skills ranged from barely keeping up to a boy five feet away that would share the results of his YouTube binging - Bach’s Prelude

If you don’t recognize the name, like me, you will recognize this classic.

You can listen to a beautiful version here.

Up next, a thin violinist across the room stood up and said, “I’ve been working on this. It’s Pirates of the Caribbean.” Finally, something I knew, and I wasn’t alone as other parents smiled a bit more confidently now.

He started, and six seconds in, he missed a few notes. He stopped, shrugged, smiled, and confidently said:

“It’s a work in progress,” and then he sat down.

What he was really saying was: I’m learning. This is the best I have right now. I’ll get better. Please bear with me, and I’m not scared. Thank you for being supportive.

No shame. No embarrassment. Just facts. What if we could all approach things in life that way. Explore, stumble, learn, and grow.

Do we make room in our heads for that? Do we create spaces where others can be free to try new things without embarrassment? Or are we too afraid of failure, real or perceived, to try something new?

Let’s not let pride, fear, or social comparison keep us from the joy of experiencing something new.

My takeaway: New things are worth it. Be brave. We are all a work in progress.

Take a moment to digest

At the end of each song, we would clap. Whether the group or a soloist, the musicians would try to sit down quickly. But the teacher would make them stand back up and take in the applause. It was all very intentional.

Maybe that’s something we each need to do more of? Take in applause? Or maybe just take it all in. Digest the good that is right in front of us. Not the perfect, but the good.

My takeaway: Can I have the discipline to slow down and enjoy the moments?

From Neil Gaiman in Make Good Art:

“..let go and enjoy the ride, because the ride takes you to some remarkable and unexpected places.”

It’s Better, Together

There was a moment when I looked across the room, and the bows were all moving in unison. The sound was incredible, and I had another overwhelming feeling of awe. Maybe it was because my son was playing, or perhaps because I had never picked up a violin and had no idea how they were doing it.

I think it was because they were together, and they were truly together. The notes were lining up, and it was magic.

My takeaway: It is better together.

Make Things Art You

Don’t be afraid. Don’t worry about what people think, especially that person in the mirror. Make things. Do it alone or do it with friends but whatever you do, do it.

And as it relates to art, that’s what you decide. Do that for yourself, no one else, and enjoy it.

I’ll leave you with this, again from Neil Gaiman:

And now go, and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.

Take are out there.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kellyvohs.substack.com

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Someone's leaving our team, and she's a good one. Both because of what she does and who she is. I had a conversation with her last week in a last-minute attempt to save her. She said something that resonated with me:

“I have to think about how this looks on my resume.”

That got me thinking about an article I read by David Brooks, and here's what he said:

It occurred to me that there are two sets of virtues, the resume virtues, and the eulogy virtues. The resume virtues are the skills that you bring to the marketplace. The eulogy virtues are the ones that are talked about at your funeral. Whether you are kind, brave, honest, or faithful. And were you capable of deep love?

Which of those lists is your priority?

Are you building on your eulogy virtues, or are you spending too much time building your resume? What do you do about it? Should you have a life resume?

As with most quests for further wisdom, I turned to my friend Google. A search for “life resume” returns 544,000 results. Try just “resume” and get 2.5 billion. Not surprising. By the way, I also searched for “relationship resume” and it got weird, really fast.

Sitting at the top of the “life resume” search results is a 12-month coaching program for building a life resume. I kept digging and found the life resume advocate Jesse Itzler saying:

“There are three kinds of people you will always remember: The people that helped you during difficult times, the people who left you during difficult times, and the people who put you in difficult times."

I would add:

“Remember the people that helped you do what even you thought impossible.”

And when you do that impossible:

“Remember the people that got more excited about your achievements than you.”

What is a life resume?

This is not about the tally of things you did: the trips, the races, or the Pina Coladas (Miami Vice for me, thanks). Life is about your humans, those relationships, and the impact you have on their lives?

How do you make them feel?

How do you help them with their struggles?

How do you help them with their dreams?

Are you the call when things are falling apart?

Do you judge them or love them?

Do you show up at funerals or only weddings?

I’m going to lean on this list as I try to be a better father.

Her life resume is strong.

Back to my friend who's leaving. I wasn’t able to save her but she is doing the right thing because we don't have what she needs, now. I’m going to miss her but we can't help her to continue to grow and maybe one day she will come back.

The good news is she is filled with eulogy virtues. Her life resume is strong and she is leaving us better than she found us. I assure you she will continue to do that with everyone else she bumps into on her journey.

I think that's all any of us can hope to do. Just leave people in places better than we found them.

Take care out there. And take care of that resume, but choose wisely.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kellyvohs.substack.com

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New format this week - give it a listen or a read. Please let me know what you think :).

TRANSCRIPT:

The author of Atomic Habits, James Clear said in his newsletter last week:

Most big, deeply satisfying accomplishments in life take at least five years to achieve. This can include building a business, cultivating and loving relationship, writing a book, getting in the best shape of your life, or raising a family.

Five years is a long time. It's much slower than most of us would like. If you accept the reality of slow progress, you have every reason to take action today. If you resist the reality of slow progress five years from now, you'll simply be five years older and still looking for a shortcut.

I love this. And it got me to thinking: What are some of the “successful”companies and organizations, and when were they built?

I looked up a couple to see how long ago they were founded. A teenage favorite in my house In-N-Out burger founded in 1938, REI 1948, apple 1976, Starbucks 1971, Netflix 1997.

The truth is if you want to do something you've got to do the work and you've got to do it today and then you've got to do it tomorrow and you've got to do it the day after.

It takes a tremendous amount of focus and discipline to keep going. It also takes a level of humility because it's not going to work at first. You're going to put it out there and the world is going to criticize you. You're going to face doubt both from inside your own head and from those around you.

You're going to have the same people telling you why you can't do something, whether that is getting in the best shape of your life, building a business, starting a nonprofit, or building a very deeply loving relationship with someone very important to you.

What we want to make sure as we don't look back and have lots of shoulda, woulda couldas. You have to take action today, but be prepared for it to take a long time to be what you want it to be.

So, if you want it to work, you have to do the work. The real question is what are you going to do today that makes the life you want five years from now?

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kellyvohs.substack.com