The Rabbi and The Shrink: Recent Episodes
Rabbi Yonason Goldson and Dr. Margarita Gurri, CSP
What do you get when you cross an Orthodox hitchhiking rabbi and a Catholic Cuban psychologist? An unpredictable conversation about everyday ethics and the secrets for successful relationships in business, family, and community. Contact us with questions and comments: http://therabbiandtheshrink.com/ Podcast@TheRabbiandTheShrink.com
What do you do to be a bad boss?
What’s the greatest gift you can give?
Would you talk to another person the way you talk to yourself?
These and other fascinating questions are addressed when Brain Science maven Melissa Hughes, Ph.D. joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/melissahughesphd/
https://www.melissahughes.rocks/
2:00 Knowing our past gives us a sense of direction for the future
From 4th grade teacher to neuroscience researcher
We all have access to information; how are we using it?
6:30 What do you do to be a bad boss?
Traditional hierarchy vs. teams
Psychological safety and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs
We all want to feel that we belong
Innovation is all about challenging the status quo
“This is how we do it” vs. “Can we do it better?”
11:00 Who is wise? One who learns from every person
We have to know what works, but also what doesn’t work
Obstacles vs. challenges: the brain loves challenges
Leaders who listen to employees create a culture of problem solving
15:00 The best way to learn is to teach
We all teach and we all learn
We all contribute and we’re all recognized
The brain doesn’t differentiate between physical and emotional threats
Diversity of perspective leads to full understanding
What’s the greatest gift we can give?
19:30 When we contribute we fee ownership and control
Patterns and self-fulfilling prophecies
We notice what we’re looking for
Would I talk to another person the way I talk to myself?
Showing gratitude benefits us more that the object of our appreciation
25:00 The brain’s bouncer
The brain let’s in what we tell it to
29:30 The word of the day: Adumbrative
serving to foreshadow; faintly indicative
We create our own reality through our experiences, habits, and expectations
How does pleasure distract us from our own unhappiness?
How is social media designed to control our minds and behaviors?
What is the formula for good digital health and well-being?
Learn the answers to these and many other essential question when digital wellbeing expert Giancarlo Pitocco joins The Rabbi and the Shrink in this episode from the archives.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/gcpofnyc/
purposeful.co
1:00 We need to reclaim control of our lives from technology
Shift your attention from being hijacked by our devices
FB has been exploited and misused by unethical players to manipulate and serve their own agendas
Do you know how much time you’re spending in front of a screen?
4:30 We don’t know what happiness is.
Pleasure often distracts us from our own unhappiness.
If you’re not dependent on external factors for happiness, you’re in control of your life and live more fully
7:00 Is it good to be easily amused?
Being delighted by simple pleasures makes the experience of living richer.
Social media is designed to keep us consuming, almost but never quite satisfied.
11:00 Are you making your future self proud by what you’re doing now?
What happens when our lives become all about comfort, convenience, and stimulation?
The purpose of the game is to play the game; the purpose is the process
We’re living in the Roman Empire
14:00 What are you doing with your life if you don’t have aspirations and values?
Pushing the boundaries of comfort and familiarity keeps us growing and truly alive
“The obstacle is the way”
We can be navigators of our lives, or we can be carried on the current.
Prioritization give us control
19:00 The five stages of digital well being
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Attention -- you want to be the DJ of your life by placing the needle where it should be
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Values -- Evaluate how new technology affects your relationships, your work, and your attitudes
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we can’t eliminate technology from our lives, but we can choose how to allow it in.
- Google “dark patterns” to learn the dangers
- Social media is designed to make you addicted; they are selling your time and attention, turning you from a consumer into a commodity.
- “The Attention Merchants” by Tim Wu
35:00
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Boundaries -- without priorities, you never get to the important stuff
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Don’t plug in your phone next to your bed
- Buy an alarm clock
37:30
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High quality leisure time
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Unwind doing something projective and creative
- Spend time with people
39:00
- Solitude -- learn to be with yourself
The fundamental value of self-discipline.
Easy and fun entertainment seduces us from doing what we know is in our best interest.
No one changes behavior without incentive. That’s why a clear WHY is critical to our digital health.
44:45 The word of the day: dissilient -- bursting open or springing apart (Yiddish: plotz)
We should be living with so much enthusiasm welling up inside us that we don’t seek or respond to external distraction.
47:00 Education can be merely a form of entertainment if it doesn’t lead to action.
Go into your phone and look at screen time or digital wellbeing and see how much time you’re spending on your device.
49:00 How would your life and relationships be healthier if you spent less time on technology?
What will you do or have you done to make a positive change in your life?
How do we nurture our passion when the world around us stands in our way?
**What’s the difference between passion and indulgence?
How can employers increase passion?**
These and other important questions are addressed when passion guru Kira Day joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://thepassioncentre.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/kiraday/
1:00 What is the passion gap?
Too many people don’t care about their work
Confusing passion with mission sends us down the wrong path
Often we need to come from a place of darkness to appreciate light
4:30 Our pains become our passions, and tension produces balance
What is the Passion Test?
What are the internal and external drivers of passion?
Passion makes us better
9:00 The four passion buckets
What are the underlying reasons for our passions?
- Internal -- natural interests
- Social environment -- connections and safety
- Functional -- support and development
- Psychological -- autonomy, mastery, purpose
Different people can be passionate about the same thing for very different reasons
14:00 Why are we passionate about spectator sports?
Gladiatorial battle or hero’s journey?
If entertainment distracts us, does that make us less passionate?
18:00 What’s the difference between passion and indulgence?
Passion = meaning x investment
Purpose = passion shared
Overindulgence reveals imbalance
24:00 How can employers increase passion?
Care more!
Put more heart into a job by allowing people to be people… give them a reason to be loyal
You can’t buy loyalty with money but with meaning
28:00 Why do ethics produce passion?
Why is procrastination a gift?
31:00 Word of the day: Imputrescible
not liable to decomposition or putrefaction; incorruptible:
Keeping passionately alive ensures our spirit won’t putrefy and we won’t corrupt our core values
Passion is the lift inside of us which connects us to the world around us
34:00 How do we nurture our passion when the world around us stands in our way?
You -- obstacle -- passion
Believe in yourself and your purpose, then obstacles will move out of your way
39:00 With passion anything is possible
When in doubt, pretend to be you
What’s the difference between influence and manipulation?
**How has COVID created the need for a new leadership breed?
How do you lead those who don’t want to take risks to do what’s right?
These and other fascinating questions are addressed when Judith Germain, the Mindful Maverick, joins the Rabbi and the Shrink in this archive episode..*https://www.linkedin.com/in/judithgermain/https://themaverickparadox.com/*
1:00 What is the Maverick Paradox?
What kind of leader will risk everything to do what’s right and give up everything to defend it?
Why do companies hire mavericks and then resent them?
You can be a maverick by personality or by vision
Maverick leader is who you are and what you actually do
Everyone can be a maverick leader
5:00 We all have the potential but we don’t all have the will
“Maverick leaders will swim upstream like a salmon even though they know there’s a bear waiting for them
7:30 How do you lead those who don’t want to take risks to do what’s right?
All of human experience is paradoxical
Leaders need to be consultants and promote an antifragile culture
12:00 How do we help mavericks grow?
The difference between extroverted mavericks and introverted mavericks
Patience is a learned trait
Manage the tension between independence and interdependence
Authentic leadership is getting others to want to do the right thing
15:00 What’s the difference between influence and manipulation?
It comes down to intention
Eventually people revolt against manipulation
Maverick leaders are great storytellers
What’s the difference between socialized mavericks and extreme mavericks?
19:00 It’s lonely being a maverick
Pull yourself out of the fight to carry on the fight
When does tension lead to innovation?
How has COVID created the need for a new breed of leaders?
25:00 If you’re not being challenged, something is wrong.
Unanimity is overrated
If a maverick stops arguing, it means they’ve stopped caring
29:00 Four different personalities
Conformist, maverick behaviorist, socialized maverick, and extreme maverick
Balance the good of others and the good of themselves
What are the defining characteristics of a maverick leader:
Determined
Reputation -- character and competence
Influence
Versatility
Execution
Narration
Differences with a sense of common vision drives success
34:00 Trust is built or undermined over time
Principled leadership inspires trusting followership
Grover Cleveland
Unreasonable expectations sabotages the system
Ethics always begins with accountability
Only through passionate engagement and constructive disagreement can we get closer to the truth
45:00 Word of the day: iconoclast
Challenge the conventional wisdom
When politics becomes religion, there can be no ethical debate
Strike the balance between civility and being contrarian
How do we defend and secure free speech in a culture that is increasingly uncivil and disinterested in facts and logic?
This is the topic we take up when self-care guru, corporate trainer, and motivational speaker Breeda Miller joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
Here are the bullet points:
The elements of free speech: ability, consequences, and responsibility.
Language and thought -- one can corrupt the other
Candor vs courtesy
The ability to disagree without being disagreeable
Is it okay to speak up when you don't understand the culture?
We can't legislate good behavior, but we can legislate responsible behavior.
Curiosity vs. judgmentalism.
Relationships can change hearts and minds.
Tone is integral to communication, and we have to give others the chance to know us.
We have to be willing to question where our beliefs come from.
Travel -- broadening our boundaries -- provides us the opportunity to appreciate different outlooks and perspectives.
Oppressive culture suppresses thought by controlling speech.
How do we engage people who reject facts and logic?
Challenge yourself to articulate opposing points of view.
Good intention, clear thinking, informed action lead to ethical decision making.
Free speech isn't free, freedom is earned, and rights go hand in hand with responsibilities.
Why are New Year's resolutions so hard to keep?
Do we want to change enough to really commit ourselves?
What are some basic strategies to do and be better?
These and other critical questions are addressed in this archive episode of The Rabbi and the Shrink.
1:00 Repentance means a return to the straight and narrow through 1) stopping the improper behavior, 2) feeling remorse, 3) verbalizing our apology, and 4) planning a strategy not to backslide into old behaviors. Without a specific, concrete plan we have little chance of achieving lasting change.
4:00 The story of the first time Rabbi Goldson observed the Sabbath according to Jewish law, which demonstrates that the promises we make to ourselves may be the most important promises we keep.
9:30 Many people are not good to themselves, which may be why ethics really does start at home. What do you do to take care of or honor yourself?
11:00 Is there any sin that is truly unforgivable? According to the sages, only seven biblical figures totally forfeited their share in the world to come through actions that led others to sin.
13:00 Start with achievable goals. Find accountability partners.
15:00 Are there do-overs? Aside from the most egregious and lasting harm we might cause, we should be able to hit a reset button and commit to better behavior than wallowing in regret or resentment.
If a sin leads me to set higher standards for myself, then it actually becomes metabolized into something positive.
18:00 Look at the past with fresh eyes, recognize each party’s responsibility, evaluate with empathy, identify what needs fixing.
We are heroes and victims and witnesses in almost every situation. We need to ask ourselves: how do we become heroes?
21:00 There’s no app for being ethical, and there shouldn’t be. It’s by grappling with gray areas that we develop our ethical muscles.
When it comes to our errors, we can always make ourselves better, but we can’t always repair the damage we’ve done.
23:30 Moderating our response to others’ mistakes, especially children.
25:30 The Nazi officer asked a camp inmate for forgiveness. Should the Jew have forgiven him?
28:00 Does mental illness exempt a person from culpability? But it shifts responsibility to seeking help and to those in a position to help. Sometimes we just have to struggle with the impossibility of finding closure.
33:00 What was, what can be, and what should be, is the path forward.
Continuing behavior should not be forgiven unless it is uncontrollable or no effort is being made to control it. The evils of sarcasm.
39:00 Word of the day: incogitant -- thoughtless, careless, or lacking the faculty of thought. We have to be thoughtful to be ethical, but we also have to balance high standards against reasonable expectations for others and ourselves.
The Hebrew word for rebuke shares its root with the word for vindication.
42:30 How do we understand the biblical command not to bear a grudge? We can’t control our feelings, but we can control whether we act on or articulate our feelings.
We don’t have to say everything we think. Only speak when it’s likely to do some good.
47:00 If two people both think they’re doing the right thing and they disagree with each other, how do we reconcile their different perceptions?
Schedule a time to discuss disagreements; don’t ambush people.
“I’d like to understand your point of view.”
54:00 How do parents confront school policies or actions by the school that the parents see as unethical. Often a third party intervention can de-escalate conflict.
How do you tell the truth when there’s so much pressure to do the opposite?
How do we stop greasing the slippery slope to hell?
What is “ethical fading” and what can we do about it?
These and other compelling questions are addressed Courageous Leadership pioneer Brooke Deterline joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.thecourage2lead.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/brooke-deterline-428aa7/
1:30 Our most real beliefs may not be true
“The Heroic Imagination Project”
It’s easy for good people to do the wrong thing under pressure
The danger of situational influences
“Now that we know, what will we do?”
8:00 Brooke’s own epiphany of moral vulnerability
Responding through social fitness against our biology
Professor Dumbledor’s wisdom to combat groupthink
Courageous democracy
Grief is a powerful connector
14:00 Strengthening ethical decision-making through cognitive behavior training
Physical mindfulness
Write down your negative automatic thoughts, i.e, fears
Identify the behaviors emerge in stressful situations and what’s the likely impact
What we can do that’s helpful to ourselves, e.g., give ourselves distance
We can always circle back if we don’t get it right in the moment
Forward-cast others in their best roles
22:00 Even if it’s not my fault, it might still be my responsibility
In teams, we learn how to give those around us the support they want and need
Don’t be afraid to ask
Simulations need real anxiety to create muscle memory
What are the outcomes we want based on our values?
33:00 Have we thought enough about our core values?
We may not have learned to articulate them
God created difficult people for our benefit
The domino system of learning empathy
Invite participants to take the role as leaders
39:00 The 4 stages of psychological safety
Belonging safety
Learning safety
Contribution safety
Challenger safety
Transform anxiety into excitement
Three contrarians can create safety to challenge
The danger of ethical fading
48:00 Why do we miss the gorilla in the room?
Learn to see in 3-D
Don’t trust yourself until the day you die
We need to keep each other honest
There’s no such thing as an expert
Dissolute
indifferent to moral restraints; given to immoral or improper conduct; licentious; dissipated.
Dissolutive
- Decomposition into fragments or parts; disintegration.
- Termination or extinction by disintegration or dispersion:
- Indulgence in sensual pleasures; debauchery.
The dissolution of the empire was remarkably swift.
Joseph’s brothers and Reuben’s irresolution
When we see ourselves as individuals, we lose conviction in carrying though on our values
Connection with the right people is a source of moral strength
How do you make the leap from damage control to prevention?
What question should leaders be asking themselves?
What is the ROI of generosity?
These and other transformational questions are addressed when generosity guru April Shprintz joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/aprilshprintz/
https://drivenoutcomes.com/
1:30 What are magic blue rocks?
We don’t always recognize how we can inspire others
Mindset makes all the difference
The power of authentic storytelling
6:30 The belief that life can be different
We can feel shame for circumstances beyond our control
When generosity becomes a reflex, it means nothing to us but everything to others
We don’t see what grows from the seeds we sow
In order to serve others, we have to see the bigger picture
14:15 Things in life happen for you, not to you
Working on how you view the world is the best thing you can do for yourself
What’s with the leopard print?
Dressing your truth
The sages’ lesson from the animal world
21:00 The ROI of generosity
Pour into your people, your clients, and your community
Symbiosis survives and thrives
When leaders don’t recognize their own resources
What are The 5 Questions?
27:00 Leaders need to ask themselves: is your culture healthy?
The consultant as a member of the pit crew
How do you define “leader”?
Generosity should be a no-brainer
People who guard their “secret sauce” may have little that’s actually worth guarding
We’re in business to make ourselves obsolete
32:00 Is generosity a hard-sell?
When people are ready, then it becomes easy to show them the solution
Make the leap from damage control to prevention
You don’t have time? You don’t have time not to!
Firemen are sexier than building inspectors
36:00 The word of the day: Effluence
the action or process of flowing out; efflux.
something that flows out; emanation.
Effluence is close to affluence -- when we pour into others, we serve ourselves as well
Does our proclivity to manipulation disprove free will?
If human beings have free will, do animals?
Is surrendering to a Higher Power an act of free will, or the abdication of free will?
These are some of the questions we address in this episode of The Rabbi and the Shrink.
Bullet points:
Can the paradox of free will and predestination be resolved?
Some biologists assert that we are merely products of our genetics and environments, which program us how to respond.
We have to live an examined life in order to make ourselves aware of the forces at play on us.
If our minds are lazy, why do some of us like to think, study, and debate?
If the body is lazy, why are so many people at the gym?
The wisdom of Flip Wilson: "The devil made me do it."
No, he didn't.
The word Satan means "adversary." We have a moral sparring partner that trains us to be stronger.
Free will takes place on the battlefront. Struggle is the evidence that free will exists.
Mindfulness model: the daily struggle with temptation.
Awareness and discernment
The struggle to choose good
The struggle to resist evil
We need trusted advisors to give us a reality check when we ask or impose and intervention when we don't.
We have to be grateful for challenges and criticism to protect us from ethical fading.
Three steps to right action according to The Path of the Just:
In times of calm, evaluate objectively what is right and what is wrong.
In times of decision, apply our conclusions to our decision-making process.
After the fact, intuit whether our choice felt right.
Meeting emotion with logic inevitably fails.
What made the Framers different from politicians today?
Our temperament, our family, and our friends largely influence our political outlooks. How do we avoid being slaves to circumstance?
You learn the most from those with whom you disagree.
Constructive disagreement: conservatives and liberals need each other.
The best professor I ever had.
The wisdom of Sister Rita.
Don't react, but respond -- which is the root of responsibility.
What kind of person do you want to become?
The word of the day: azimuth
A bearing from where I am to where I want to get
We need to know and see our destination, or else we'll travel in circles.
How can we be happy if we don't have an accurate definition of what joy is or where it comes from?
That's the question we address in this episode of The Rabbi and the Shrink.
Here are the bullet points:
Eight words in Hebrew translate as joy or happiness -- all have root meanings of growth or progress.
Budding -- the joy of potential about to be brought into the world
Blossoming -- the joy of growth about to reach fruition
Satisfaction -- absolute fulfillment, which succeeds joy, but is often followed by letdown
In the West, we conflate happiness and pleasure. Pleasure is not a source of happiness, but distraction from unhappiness
Pleasure and pain are not opposites; they go hand in hand
Joy contains an element of the transcendent
Is joy a function of purpose or of connection? Or are these really the same?
Find joy in correcting our mistakes
Happiness is a choice we make that emerges from gratitude
If I'm entitled, I have no gratitude and nothing to work toward
Achievement without struggle can be deeply dissatisfying
Happiness comes from choosing the things that matter most and relinquishing the things that matter less
We have to let go of pettiness if we want to attach ourselves to nobility
Investment is not sacrifice; maturity is recognizing that we can't have everything
Don't be a monkey trapped by its own unwillingness to let go
What's in your monkey trap?
How are fear and love two sides of the same coin?
How do we describe something that is truly awesome?
What are the foundations that allow love to flourish?
These are some of the questions addressed when The Rabbi and the Shrink explore the interplay of love and fear.
Here are the bullet points:
What does it mean to invest love in the people and institutions that fill our lives.
How are zeal and jealousy connected?
Love comes from investment; it's not about what we get, but about what we give.
The Four Loves:
Philia -- family
Eros -- romantic
Storge -- empathy
Agape - platonic
Mary Matalin and James Carville: how a conservative and a liberal can find love
Why love is like a flame
Shalom means harmony, when all the pieces fit and work together
Bravery is not the lack of fear, it is facing fear
Agreeing to disagree diminishes diversity
Engaging respectfully despite profound differences makes us stronger individually and collectively
**How do we escape from the prison of our mind?
How do we acquire the mindset to transform failure into victory and success?
What do we want our life and our legacy to be?**
These and other pressing questions are addressed when a Muslim ex-con, a Catholic shrink, and an Orthodox rabbi sit down together on The Rabbi and the Shrink. Don't miss this episode with Lester Young!
https://www.linkedin.com/in/lester-young-b1b6a0106/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC7Y3oh7l_wqJSCPtitB9BFw
1:30 How a life sentence became a life’s mission
What do we want our life and our legacy to be?
One man, one book, made all the difference
We are all masters of our own fate
Authentic leaders inspire us to challenge ourselves
4:00 Free will: the past does not have to define us
We can’t necessarily change our circumstances but we can change ourselves
Dissociation started a process that ended with prayer
A perpetrator can honor a victim by becoming a new person
The path to reconciliation and redemption
14:00 How do we truly make amends?
The most horrific failures can be transmuted into unimaginable victories
When we can resolve our differences and errors we don’t need the justice system to do it for us
17:00 Witnessing a victim’s pain evoked empathy
Victims of pain and violence can become perpetrators
We can always grow to recognize how to reinvent ourselves and take responsibility
21:00 When you prepare yourself, providence provides the opportunity
Journaling and gratitude
Five stages of incarceration: denial, anger, victimization, asking forgiveness, self-forgiveness
The need for prison reform: Recriminalization vs. Decriminalization
25:00 Wisdom attracts adherents
Change yourself, change your environment
We are all living in prisons of one kind or another
29:00 We all need advocates and support
Rehabilitation begins the day you walk into prison
Addressing the collateral damage victims
Why aren’t our correctional facilities corrective?
35:30 Word of the day: allyship
the status or role of a person who advocates and actively works for the inclusion of a marginalized or politicized group in all areas of society, not as a member of that group but in solidarity with its struggle and point of view and under its leadership:
Genuine allyship does not come with special recognition—we do not get awards for confronting issues people have to live with every day.
the relationship or status of persons, groups, or nations associating and cooperating with one another for a common cause or purpose:
Joseph went from prison to king of the world in a day
Nelson Mandela
Never lose hope -- break out of the mental prison walls and the opportunities that will appear
What is the difference between rational and irrational fear?
How often does fear sabotage our success and set us up for failure?
How can unfounded fear lead to unethical decision-making?
These and other questions are tackled when The Rabbi and the Shrink tackle the topic of fear.
Here are the highlights:
FEAR: False Expectations Appearing Real
Why are we so afraid?
How much of irrational fear is rooted in ego?
Don't let fear stop you from doing what's right.
Courage is facing fear, not the absence of fear.
There's the fear of "no," but also the fear of "yes." Which is more debilitating?
We need a "board of advisors" we turn to when we are paralyzed by fear.
Don't be afraid of failure, since failure is the best teacher.
Reframe fear as excitement and eagerness.
If you're not nervous, you're not ready.
Churchill: Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
NASA: Failure to learn from failure is not an option.
Teddy Roosevelt: Not the critic but the man in the arena.
Silence your inner critic and surround yourself with people who will support you through your successes and your failures.
Risk greatness!
Why is anger like idolatry?
If anger doesn't translate into behavior, is it still a problem?
Can there ever be benefits to outrage?
These and other highly relevant questions are addressed when The Rabbi and the Shrink investigate the challenge of anger.
Here are a few highlights:
The world was not created to conform with our desires.
We have a responsibility to the world; the world is not responsible to us.
Shouldn't we respond to irresponsible behavior that puts others in danger with anger?
If we can channel anger in a positive direction it can be a force for good.
Anger often is an expression of our own ego.
Are we justified in taking it personally when others show no interest in setting the ethical bar where we've set it for ourselves?
Sister Rita's strategy: assuming responsibility for others.
Arrogance is the death of compassion.
Sometimes, being our authentic selves is not in anyone's best interest.
Civility is the filter through which we allow our authentic selves engage the world.
We're all wonderful; we're all awful. They're both true.
The lesson of the donkey, the rooster, and the lantern.
Why do so many of us not achieve our own potential?
What can we do to turn failure into success?
How do we bridge the gap between perception and reality?
These and more topics are addressed when concierge, high performance, psychology coach Dr. Robyn Odegaard joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/robynodegaard/
https://drrobynodegaard.com/
It's easy to be mediocre, because if you don't try, you can't fail.
Don't repeat the mistake of Cain.
Five step paradigm:
1) What is your goal?
2) What is your plan?
3) What do I need to know or know how to do that I don't know now?
4) What are your psychological barriers?
5) What people, places, or habits are helping or hurting us?
Changing our environment can help us change what needs to be change.
Once you make the choice to change, change becomes easier and more likely.
Talking about ourselves can be limiting.
Giving advice is dangerous; giving good advice is deadly.
Rebuke is validating when it's given with care and concern.
Shame is imposed from the outside, but it's our choice whether we accept it.
Ethics demands that we make ourselves competent.
Have the courage to question your own expertise, competence, and objectivity.
"Perception is what you think; reality is what I think."
Learn from the intellectual integrity of Abraham Lincoln.
Listen to everyone, then make your own decisions.
Don't compromise with the middle.
Employees who are overworked, overwhelmed, and underutilized is a formula for disaster.
The word of the day: Hegira [ hi-jahy-ruh]
Flight or journey to a more agreeable location
Rabbi Akiva's transition from illiterate shepherd to the leader of his generation via the coaching of his wife, Rachel.
How do you enter into a relationship for your own benefit without making it all about you?
Why is ethics essential to successful networking?
When does "How can we help each other?" become a form of manipulation and misrepresentation?
These and other highly relevant topics are addressed when networking guru Greg Peters joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/thereluctantnetworker/
How did reluctant networking grow into the next big idea?
If people want to work with people they know, like, and trust, unethical behavior will sabotage your success.
How can engaging in a conversation that doesn't interest you lead to successful relationship building?
The complicated business of referral fees.
If something is objectively ethical, can it still be a bad idea?
We have nothing more valuable than our good name.
A networking event is not a place to look for sales.
Look for a common point of reference. Ask open-ended questions not about work.
Being a little vulnerable makes us more accessible so others will do the same.
The power of "and you?" or "What a great question! What answers have you gotten?"
Respond without I, Me, or My.
If you pretend to have interest, you might spark some genuine interest.
Is it ever too late to follow up?
The Word of the Day: Gulosity
Excessive appetite, greediness
Don't indulge in "what's-in-it-for-me?"
Look for ways to be of service
Zig Ziglar: You can have everything you want in life if you help enough other people have what they want in life.
How does the story we tell ourselves determine who we become?
How do we determine which values are authentic and which are misdirected?
How do we find the courage to reject fear-based decision-making?
These and other fascinating topics are addressed when executive coach and anxiogenics expert Mary Kutheis joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/marykutheis/
http://www.mckcoaching.com/
What choice can I make or action can I take in this moment to create the greatest possible value?
Can we change neuropathways to steer ourselves on a more successful course?
Why do we choose to repeat the same mistakes over and over again?
The sooner we recognize and correct unhealthy thinking patterns the more quickly we can reduce anxiety and discover solutions.
Knowing our fears and our triggers empowers us to change our behavior.
What appears to be failure is often success.
If we can't lead ourselves, how can we successfully lead other people?
Word of the Day: macadamize
To pave by laying and compacting successive layers of broken stone, often with asphalt or hot tar. Broken pieces can be repurposed to build and progress; success emerges out of failure.
"What's the best mistake that happened today?"
How snowplow parents do their children a disservice by denying them the benefit of learning from failure.
The difference between flipflopping and principled change of outlook.
Ponder fearlessly and don't be afraid of silence.
How do you create a context that promotes everyone's success?
How do you communicate information for maximum impact?
What are your unconscious operating systems and are they serving you?
How do you find and foster successful partnerships?
What should your target be to increase your chances for success?
Join us as we discuss these and other fascinating questions with Bob Burg, NYT bestselling author and Hall of Fame speaker on The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://burg.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/bobburg/
https://twitter.com/BobBurg
https://thegogiver.com/
1:00 How the rabbi met Bob
Extraordinary accomplishments while keeping the common touch
3:30 What is a go-giver
Focus on others is the best formula for business
Internally motivated but outwardly focused
Ethics: being selfless is selfish
Business is about how we make others feel
Benevolent context for everyone’s success
8:00 Collaboration is people with different skill sets complementing each other
Stories carry the message so they become implanted in us
Parables and allegories
14:00 Being a giver is not being a doormat
How Bob got his start
18:00 Knute Rockne -- invest in people
19:30 How do we get people to connect with our message?
Unconscious operating systems make us think others think like us
Value is in the eye of the beholder
Success begins by asking questions, then listening with every part of your body
24:00 Dialogues of the deaf
Paraphrasing establishes understanding and trust
25:30 Compromise is not the answer
First look for the win-win
27:00 Go-Giver success alliance
29:00 Finding and fostering successful partnerships
35:00 Word of the day: meliorism -- the belief that the world can be made better through effort
Don’t make making money your target; aim to serve others, and success will follow.
Do you suffer from infobesity?
How do you make billions in 60 seconds?
How do you avoid becoming a bore, a snore, and a chore?
These and other urgent topics are addressed when Tongue-fu black belt Sam Horn joins the Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://samhorn.com/
https://www.tonguefu.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/samhorn/
1:30 We want to do things worth doing
We succeed through community
Access to the successful is a shortcut to success
4:30 Ink it when you think it
If we don’t write down ideas when they enter our minds, we will lose them
Make your life your lab
You will make a difference in others’ lives
7:00 Ethics requires us to market the truth to benefit others
Be intriguing to get people on the hook
Infobesitiy vs. intrigue: a practical technique
Alliteration makes ideas memorable
Rhyme and rhythm
Crafting a message changes lives
14:00 tonality and musicality
Read out loud to self edit
Shift from undesirable to desirable
How can the study of ethics make us less ethical?
The qualities of E.T.H.I.C.S.
20:00 Our expertise is perceived by the clarity of our thoughts
How to not be a bore, snore, or chore
How to make billions in sixty seconds
The goal is to raise eyebrows
- Ask three “did you know” questions
- “Imagine this…”
- You don’t have to imagine
30:00 Words matter; every one of them
Don’t yell at a barking dog
What words can we use to get the desired behavior?
Ask for what we want
Real life examples have power
35:00 Why was the woman crying on the beach?
Arrogance vs. offerings
We have a responsibility to share the wisdom of our experience
39:00 How Tom got to Mission Control
Recognizing our abilities and accomplishments does not make us un-humble
What’s the greatest gift you can give someone else?
45:00 The word of the day: inconcinnity
lack of proportion and congruity; inelegance.
The way we phrase and frame our message determines how it is received
Showing order emerging from chaos is the way we broaden thinking
46:30 Too many people believe that happiness is selfish
Finding our gifts is the purpose of life; giving away our gifts is the meaning of life
Don’t wait until there’s no time left to do what you want to do
What makes a successful relationship?
Is marriage really the happily ever after part or do they still require work?
What is reasonable to expect versus what do you need to accept?
Find the answers to these questions and more as we talk to Claire Vande Polder, the author of Making Marriage Happy: Hard-Won Wisdom from Real Couples
Grab your copy here:
Making Marriage Happy: Hard-Won Wisdom from Real Couples
Connect with Claire onLinkedinInstagram
2:45
What I came up with is a book that is basically, what happy couples do as told in their own words. It's the only book, I know of where all the expert advice comes from people who are only experts in their own relationship and what they do that makes them happy.
7:00
When I was a younger person I looked at people who had been married for a while and I thought, okay they're just they're like on autopilot right?
29:00
it took a lot of time before they understood that's not who my husband is, this thing that I really wish my wife was doing? That's really not who she is so, can I just lay off of that and let her be more who she is, and then take more of a look at what am I doing? How could I change myself? Could I change the way that I think about something because I have more control over that and just learn to love?
Do you often wonder why people aren’t listening to you?
Can philosophy provide practical solutions to modern problems?
Why are we challenged to bring together abstract concepts with down-to-earth issues?
These and other persistent questions are answered when practical philosopher and moral alchemist Cristina DiGiacomo joins the Rabbi and the Shrink
http://www.moralchemy.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/cristinadigiacomo/
1:00 How can philosophy provide practical solutions to modern problems?
Why are we challenged to bring together abstract concepts with down-to-earth issues?
We are philosophers if we pursue authentic wisdoms
7:30 The handshake and the golden rule are examples of accessible philosophy
Philosophy is the love of wisdom and the way we look at life
Asking questions makes us philosophers
Philosophy is a matter of outlook and perspective
Our attitudes shape our perceptions
12:00 What are the benefits of asking questions?
You stop multitasking
Triggers serotonin
Questions lead to intentions which lead to outcomes
If we aren’t open to new insights, we can’t be ethical
17:00 When we know that we don’t know, we open ourselves up to possibilities
Too many people don’t recognize the relevance of ethics in their lives
19:30 When we face problems, ask where did we go wrong?
It’s easier to blame individuals that to question the system
The benefit of 12-step recovery programs
Mistakes help us become stronger and do better
24:30 Why aren’t people listening to me?
Are we connecting perception with reality?
What do the classical philosophers say to address our problems?
28:00 Asking questions preempts conflict and promotes self-reflection
Openness drives progress
The danger and opportunity of “yeah, but.”
32:00 The word of the day: epistemology
How we know what we know
If arrive at the correct facts through faulty reasoning we may be setting ourselves up for future errors
We may need data now, but reason prepares us for the future
36:00 “The sage acts without pressure from within or without.”
The Hebrew word aliza can mean to relieve pressure or to apply pressure
Different situations call for different strategies to move us forward
What is one question you can ask yourself about your philosophy?
When we live from fear rather than from curiosity, we are setting ourselves up for failure.
How does sustainability apply to us as individuals as well as the world?
How do we find it in ourselves to forgive ourselves and forgive others?
How do quirks and idiosyncrasies forge us into more compete and healthy people?
These and many other secrets for self-development are answered when the Ikigai Guy David E. Marlow joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/davidemarlow/
https://www.linkedin.com/company/vluru/
1:00 What is Ikigai = Japanese for life + purpose
Living out the essence of you in everything you do
3:30 What is a leader? Someone who enables and empower others to fulfill their potential in a way that betters the world
Happiness emerges from a sense of working toward the fulfillment of purpose
5:00 How do you find your ikigai
Reflect on moments when you felt fulfilled
Visit your values, verbs, and verses
7:00 The five pillars include:
Choose to be grateful; we control our attitudes
Making a conscious choice to live in the moment
Forgive the past and yourself
10:00 Monotask: start somewhere small and work outward
Multitasking doesn’t work
Embrace the gift of small beginnings
Being busy as an excuse for not being productive
18:00 How do we forgive people who cause us pain and don’t ask for forgiveness?
First forgive yourself
Forgive without recovering trust
The harm we do ourselves by not forgiving
23:00 Without human integrity we disintegrate
Harmony and sustainability in how we live completes us so we can live healthy lives
By integrating our values into our mindset and behavior we become people of integrity
26:00 What are the five pillars?
Being present in the moment
Starting small
Joy of little things (gratitude)
Harmony and sustainability
Releasing yourself through forgiveness and reflection
We strive to uncover our essence
30:00 Shalom = harmony = all the pieces are in place and fuse into integration
The seven levels of spiritual maturity and completion
The conductor is the most important player in the orchestra
34:00 Blend your idiosyncrasies with your talents to become your best unique self
You don’t have to change yourself; you have to uncover who you truly are
38:00 Word of the Day: diapason
Originally, the organ stop that releases steam to produce sound
Now a burst of force that produces music
Our ideal is to release our inner music
40:00 When we seek treasure, what will we do if we find it?
43:00 Post-interview conversation
Why is talking about teddy bears and goldfish the best approach for solving intractable problems?
How can we avoid the pitfalls of an overscheduled life with more scheduling?
What are the five things worth having and how can we be happy if we can't have all of them?
These and other intriguing topics are addressed when Jason Feifer, Editor-in-Chief of Entrepreneur Magazine and host of Build for Tomorrow joins The Rabbi and the Shrink to discuss the worldview presented in his new book, Build for Tomorrow.
https://www.jasonfeifer.com/
https://www.jasonfeifer.com/book/
https://www.jasonfeifer.com/build-for-tomorrow/
Here are the high points from our conversation.
Little known facts can be profoundly relevant to us.
We want to simply problems, which inhibits our ability to find solutions.
The world is full of people who have devoted themselves to studying topics that never would have seemed worth our time and attention.
Five things worth having: Family, friends, work, sleep, fitness.
You can't have them all everyday, but you can have three in one day. That's balance.
Schedule time away from your schedule. Create systems to resist our system programming.
Time is like a balloon. You don't try to find time; you commit yourself to your priorities and the time appears.
We have to challenge our preconceptions, and self-discipline is the means for making the choices we know we should be making. Without it, we develop learned helplessness.
We have agency over our habits and choices.
How to use our time and experience to maximum efficiency.
Stacking: grouping similar activities to reduce prep and transition time.
Vertical thinking: Each activity is a foundation for the next step.
Don't always start with the end in mind: experimentation leads to unexpected outcomes.
Avoid topics that make people run to their corners. Playful topics lower defenses and can lead to substantive discussion and constructive debate.
Consider the impossible and it becomes possible.
How does fitness contain the prescription for going from depression to existentialism?
When can a lack of confidence become our greatest asset?
These and other questions about out physical and mental wellbeing are addressed when Adam Martin, the Fit Pharmacist joins the Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/fitpharmfam/
https://www.thefitpharmacist.com/
Here are some of the highlights from our conversation:
Physical health leads to psychological strength.
Sartre's one truth: existence precedes essence.
You must act your way into a new level of thinking, not vice versa.
Life is about making good choices, which is how ethics becomes a catalyst for positive change.
Become a hope dealer.
Apparently successful people may be only surviving and not thriving.
Imposters don't suffer from imposter syndrome.
Without fear there's no courage. The antidote of fear is action. Time is a fertilizer.
What you tolerate will continue. Awareness is always the first step.
If everyone else is suffering, that doesn't mean it's okay for me to suffer too.
Are we following the wrong metric for success?
What is your tickle factor?
A smile is an outer reflection of an inner truth.
When you change the standards for yourself you give permission to others to follow your lead.
Laughter and joy project confidence and authenticity, which promote trust.
The word of the day: Phreatophyte [ free-at-uh-fahyt ]
A plant having very long roots that reach down to the water table or the layer above it
Our actions form the roots of our values, and our thoughts are the branches that soar heavenward.
Does your dog really love you?
Why do liberals and conservatives need each other?
If we're physiologically programmed to make the choices we make, what's the point of trying to better ourselves?
These are some of the topics that arise when the Rabbi and the Shrink discuss the ethics of free will.
Why do we exert ourselves at the gym? Because we recognize that we can make our bodies stronger. Why shouldn't we be able to the same thing with our minds?
Is "I had no choice" just a cop-out?
Obviously genetics and environment influence our actions. But do the exempt us from responsibility?
Temptation is an opportunity to summon our better angels.
Life is like a battlefield. Habits are conquered territory. Aspirations are territory I hope to conquer. Free will takes place on the battlefront.
Struggle is the evidence that free will is in play.
There are three times when free will are in play:
1) When we are aware of our choices.
2) When we are tempted to do good.
3) When we are tempted to do bad.
Reaching out to the "life line" of a trusted friend or advisor for help or counsel can give us strength to resist or avoid wrong choices.
Three steps to ethical choices:
1) Objectively evaluate ethical principles.
2) Logically evaluate choices in the moment.
3) Intuitively evaluate choices after the fact.
Feelings are part of the process but often unreliable because of our natural and unconscious biases.
The worst thing you can do when a person is emotional is respond with logic.
Human beings are psychological, not logical creatures.
Awareness of our predispositions then making the effort to understand is how we restore rational equilibrium.
Listen to people you disagree with and you will learn more about yourself.
Constructive disagreement: conservatives and liberals need each other so they don't mutate into extremist ideologies.
What makes an effective teacher?
Ask yourself: What kind of persona do you want to become?
Response vs. reaction. Response is the root of responsibility.
The word of the day: azimuth
An arc on the horizon; a bearing from where I am to where I want to get.
If we don't have a clear focus on our destination, we'll go around in endless circles.
Struggle is the proof of free will and the method of strengthening our free will.
Why can't we resolve our differences using facts?
What is the difference between misinformation and disinformation?
Why aren't good intentions good enough to promote positive change?
These and many other compelling topics are addressed when critical thinking guru David Hundsness joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://hundsness.com/
https://foolacy.com/
https://www.tiktok.com/@pet.earthling
http://jupitered.com/about.php
Inspired to create the Critical Thinking Project.
Critical thinking isn't taught in our schools.
When we teach to the test, what happens when there's no test?
When learning is entertaining, we can draw students in.
Ask unexpected questions to elicit thinking.
If I'm confident in my point of view, I don't have to resort to deception.
The danger of rationalization: no one more dangerous than a true believer.
Critical thinking is a tool that can be used or misused.
The danger of relying on intuition.
There's no shortcut to the truth or to sound decision-making. We have to develop our thinking skills.
People are seeking a calm voice of reason.
Don't think like a lawyer; think like a judge.
The Word of the Day: Inscrutable
That which cannot be known; unfathomable or unknowable
We justify willful ignorance by convincing ourselves alternative viewpoints cannot be understood
You have to want self-improvement.
Rather than ridicule, make it safe for others to change their minds.
Does thought influence language of does language influence thought?
Is it worth the risk to offer constructive criticism?
Can you set high standards and remain respectful when others fall short?
Discover the answer to these and other highly relevant questions as Grammar Goddess Susan Rooks joins The Rabbi and the Shrink
https://grammargoddess.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/susanrooks-the-grammar-goddess/
https://twitter.com/Grammar_Goddess
2:00 The importance of preserving the integrity of language
We are what we say and what we think
Language is only as perfect as how we use it
Objective vs. subjective perception
8:00 Words are free, but it’s how you use them that costs
We get defensive when we don’t like what we hear
“You can do [even] better”
11:00 It’s risky to offer correction or disagree
Start with a smile
You can have high standards and still be pleasant
Smile at strangers
16:30 What’s the effect of grammar mistakes?
The power of positive speaking
Technology can bring us closer together
Accept people for where they are coming from
Look for the nobility in others
25:00 We’ve become more abrupt
We have a responsibility to choose our words carefully
30:00 Be curious
When you hear an accent, adjust expectations
“You’ll see the robot in the street”
33:00 Onomatopoeia -- a word that sounds like what it is
In Hebrew the same word means “word” and “thing”
Respecting the meaning of words is respecting reality
36:00 How do we further meaningful discussions that increase understanding
Listen to learn, not to respond
Everybody knows something you don’t
The sages teach: Who is wise? One who learns from every person
39:00 How do you keep words fresh
Strike a balance between tradition and progression
Why can’t our language be poetic and elegant while preserving the integrity of words?
43:30 Should some of us impose usage on others?
Orwell’s vision of thought control through speech control
Choose to speak respectfully
All content © 2022 The Rabbi and The Shrink.
How can we solve problems of communication when we aren't even aware of them?
How do we turn authenticity from a cliché into a mindset?
Is it hypocritical or authentic to present myself as the person I want to become?
These and other contemporary questions are addressed when award-winning communication guru Lucille Ossai joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/lucilleossaicommunicationspro/
https://www.lucilleossai.com/
Put yourself in the shoes of your audience to create connection with them.
What's the difference between simple and easy?
Body language cues us to be more aware of our own verbal communication.
Don't be afraid to ask for clarification.
What are Dialogues of the Deaf?
How body language triggers confidence in yourself and a positive impact on others.
Authenticity misapplied can become incivility.
It's authentic to be aspirational.
Have the end in mind when you know where you're going. The courage of curiosity leads us on a journey of discovery that can lead to wonderful destinations we never imagined.
What are the impediments to effective communication?
Great leaders need to be great communicators.
Gratitude and appreciation forms the bonds of mutual respect and trust that facilitate communication.
We have to be aware of the message we might be projecting even if we have no intention of doing so.
The word of the day: euphony
agreeableness of sound; pleasing effect to the ear, especially a pleasant sounding or harmonious combination or succession of words
Our style of speech established credibility, trust, and connection so the message will be received.
Give yourself permission to be yourself.
How does our focus on big wins set us up for failure?
How can you be confident without sounding arrogant?
Why is it self-destructive to identify ourselves and other by performance?
These and other confidence-boosting topics are addressed when peak performance coach Jeff Koziatek returns to The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.coreauthenticity.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeffkoziatek/
Focusing on little wins sets us on the path for huge success.
Every time temptation comes, either we push back and get stronger or give in and stay as we are. Over time, we develop the habit of pushing back or giving in.
Confidence without competence is not a recipe for success.
Ethical leadership acknowledges mistakes, takes responsibility, and looks for lessons and solutions.
Is there ever a time to reward failure?
Failure is the time when loyalty really reveals itself.
When the team manager ignores the demands of 40,000 fans.
Churchill: Success is going from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.
Focusing on short-term wins often sabotages long term goals.
The word of the day: Simulacrum [ sim-yuh-ley-kruhm ]
Superficial representation or likeness
Leaders whose top priority is the appearance of competence or power are not genuine leaders
Overvaluing performance can make us go out of our way to prove something that was never true to begin with.
Keep asking until you understand. No one knows everything all the time.
Should we be more afraid of pit bulls or chihuahuas?
How do the rules of the war room apply to the rules of the boardroom?
What are the six phases of crisis response?
These and other compelling questions are addressed when retired Naval Commander Mary Kelly joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/drmarykelly/
https://productiveleaders.com/
How can we transform our daily professional lives in five minutes a day?
Every morning ask yourself: “What does my leadership need to look like today?”
Leadership skills prepare us to default to the right decision amidst chaos and confusion.
Proximity to greatness makes us great.
What are the ethics of self-sacrifice vs. scapegoating?
Use the Socratic method to correct bad behavior.
Influencing through facts vs. emotions.
Civility allows us to disagree while remaining friends.
Leaders have to create commonality and channel emotions in a healthy way.
Establish your reputation as a person of honor and integrity.
Value individuals for who they are, not for assumptions we make based on their identity labels.
The job of a team is to support decisions once they’re made even if we don’t like them.
Choosing character over ideology is key to success.
Earn trust and loyalty by admitting mistakes and take responsibility for them.
How do we balance hierarchical structure against individual initiative?
Word of the Day: Martinet
- a strict disciplinarian, especially a military one.
- someone who stubbornly adheres to methods or rules
Successful leaders demand high standards and respect while showing respect and earning trust.
Kīnāʻole: Do the right thing, in the right way, at the right time, in the right place, to the right person, for the right reason, and with the right feeling, the first time! In other words, “Just do the next right thing!”
How do we do a better job handling it when we get flustered and defensive?
**How do we give and receive criticism in a way the builds trust and encourages improvement?
What is the alternative to flight or fight that promotes cooperation and collaboration?**
These and other critical question for success in business and in life are answered when customer service maven Marilyn Suttle joins the Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/marilynsuttle/
https://marilynsuttle.com/
0:50 Wellbeing and security are critical to a healthy work environment for workers and customers
Ethics creates a culture of trust, solid relationships, and loyalty
Raising trust increases expectations, which is a good thing
Develop the skill set to deal with difficult and unexpected situations
Different values and styles need to be accommodated
6:00 Learned behavior is not easily unlearned
How do we handle it better when we get flustered and defensive?
We’re 100% responsible for 50% of every relationship
We make assumptions about the facts, which may or may not be true
We make up stories that create feelings by exploiting our unmet expectations
What outcome do we really want?
Clear communication often defuses conflict before it happens.
13:00 When we get into fight or flight, our biology hijacks our thinking and decision making
The other option is a challenge response, which can focus and motivate us
Being honest make us vulnerable, which is frightening but creates the potential for closeness
17:30 It’s all in the palm of your hand:
First impressions -- eliminate the potential for annoyance
Last impression
Manage high emotion moments
Marry yourself to your team and your customers
Measure and gauge -- feedback
21:15 Value their time and ask only for meaningful feedback and use it
How do you respond to criticism
Redirect attention toward the good to promote reframing
Take responsibility and show appreciation
27:00 Empower employees to address customer issues
Have someone to call to help you regain clarity
31:00 Different perspectives generate an ethical view
32:00 The word of the day: pithy
We don’t want to reduce all ideas to soundbites, but we do want to be concise so our ideas have impact
34:00 Happiness is a profound concept that come from being part of something important
36:00 Tailor your customer care according to the needs of each customer
37:00 Blaming, complaining, and making excuses are responses that will not lead to improvement
The difference between responding and reacting
Get comfortable with silence or pausing
Counting to 10 reboots your brain
Resist the pressure to fill empty space without thinking first
The benefit of one, two, and three second pauses
The pauses are the most essential part of the class
It takes stress to allev
Is it possible that we share responsibility for how others treat us?
What signals are we sending out that promote or allow them to treat us badly?
**Can individuals with foundationally different values connect civilly and cordially?
These and other profoundly relevant questions are addressed when speaker and podcast host Scott Mason joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.**
https://www.linkedin.com/in/smason1/
https://www.purposehighway.com/
1:00 People are responding to alienation by seeking meaning and purpose
Progress and purpose -- the source of happiness
You cannot pursue happiness
3:00 Make connections to build communities
Love emerges through giving and committing ourselves to a common purpose
A flame gives without giving anything up
We should influence one another in a way that we improve one another
8:00 It’s a moral imperative to contribute light to the world
A lack of clarity or belief holds us back
Recognize your gifts so you can give
10:30 A leap into the unknown changed everything
A ride in the dark and the rain produced a service mindset
A new perspective brings new opportunities
Do we listen when we hear “the voice”?
The profound power of humility and opening ourselves to new possibilities
16:30 Be Theseus -- meet the challenges that will make you a hero
Get out of the comfort box
Build a circle of laughter and joy
Why is a safe place a place of terror?
21:00 Fight fear with fear
The power of shame
Recover balance to make the right decision by looking down all roads
23:00 Viewing the world as hostile makes us hostile
Embrace the challenges that are beyond our control and respond with what we can do with them
Radical accountability turns us into positive extremists
What signals are we sending out that promotes or allows them to treat us badly?
Is it possible that we share responsibility for how others treat us?
32:00 Irreconcilable differences?
Can individuals with foundationally different values connect civilly and cordially?
Absolute truth is truth, regardless of whether we like it or understand it
Living in a world where we don’t all agree on truth, we have to recognize the sincerity and good intentions of those with whom we disagree
37:00 Belief in our own soul is transformative
The nature of the universe transcends our ability to comprehend
Respect facts, logic, and reason
Seek commonality of belief and humanity before focusing on differences
Don’t be afraid of uncomfortable conversations
If you personalize every belief, you will find it impossible to coexist with others who have different beliefs
We need to disagree honestly in order to grow and be willing to revisit our beliefs
45:00 Befriending “adversaries” may bring us condemnation from our “allies”
Every human being is deserving of basic respect
Most of us are doing good things despite our shortcomings or errors
Principled compromise is not compromising our values
49:00 We have to be able to connect and to lead
Leadership is impossible without self confidence in who we are and what we believe
55:00 Word of the day: gorgonize
When we look for the ugliness in others, we petrify our own hearts
What's the single most effective way to avoid ethical pitfalls?
Why are so many people afraid to talk about ethics?
Has the world gotten less ethical?
These and other critical questions for success are answered when ethics auditor Amanda "Jo" Erven joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/amanda-jo-erven-ace/
http://www.auditconsultingeducation.com/
http://www.totalqualityauditing.com/
http://www.cpebookclub.com/
#27 Amanda “Jo” Erven
1:30 Changing one person’s mind contributes to a better world
It’s hard to sell ethics because people don’t have a definition and are scared by the word
Have an ethics icebreaker
Ethics may not be simple, but don't have to be complicated
6:00 Three ethical character types
The Big Me
The Ethical Rationalizer
The Everyday Ethicist
People who call themselves ethicists tend to be less ethical
10:00 Unethical behavior encourages others to behave unethically
Create your own ethical value statement or mantra
We can’t change our circumstances except by changing ourselves
14:30 Be ethically pro-active which is pro-self
Too many people don’t know their own values
16:00 Where do we start to put ethics into action?
We don’t have to be experts
Sometimes we’re scared to do what’s right
18:00 Individual, leadership, and organizational ethics
The seven deadly ethical sins
“Move fast and break things” mentality
Disingenuous leaders -- always speak the truth, even if your voice shakes
20:30 Have things really gotten worse?
We are definitely more self-absorbed today
We don’t feel shame, but we rush to shame others
The contradiction of AirBNB
24:15 Beware of conflicts of your own interest
Ethics is threatened by fear and entitlement
The ethics of COVID
Dan Ariely’s research: thinking of the 10 commandments makes us more honest
28:30 Find your trusted advisor
Facing and embrace your adversity
Teaching surly students in Budapest, Hungary
When we have to defend our behavior, we think more about our choices
33:00 Doing the right thing feels really good
Ethical discipline protects others and ourselves
38:00 The word of the day: miscreate -- to produce in a way that is defective
Good intentions without disciplined execution can have disastrous results
40:00 Everyone deserves a better-than-good life
Why are we reluctant to "walk across the cafeteria" to start a conversation?
What is the soundtrack to your life?
Why don't books and history tell the whole story, and where should we turn to get it?
These and other critical questions for building a harmonious world are addressed when award-winning musician and race reconciliator Daryl Davis joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.daryldavis.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/daryl-davis-5226b24/
1:00 Music is a bridge
The benefit of a global perspective
Legal desegregation took years to take effect
Attacked for being a Cub Scout?
Learning about racism at age 10
How can you hate me if you don’t know me?
7:30 Responding to injustice and hate with genuine curiosity
Breadth of experience provides perspective to moderate our responses
10:00 Books and histories did not explain hate
Meeting the head of the American Nazi Party as a high school student
The coming race war?
“Joining” the Nazi rally before the White House
The “rationalism” of white supremacy
18:00 What happens when whites become the minority in the U.S.?
What does the fear of that do to people?
Charleston, PIttsburgh, El Paso
22:30 A chance encounter with the KKK
Here was the answer to the question
28:00 We have to know who we are
Exposure to different cultures and ideologies make us broader
The five values all humans want:
Love, respect, to be heard, to be treated fairly, we want those values for our families
A missed opportunity for dialogue is a missed opportunity for conflict resolution
33:00 Meeting the Imperial Wizard of the KKK
The “noise”
We all feel fear of the unknown, we are all relieved when that fear is removed
We hate what we don’t understand because it frightens us
Awareness of our collective ignorance can bring us together
Education cures ignorance, which cures fear, which cures violence
48:00 What can we all do to transcend and eliminate hate?
Spend time listening to people to learn who they are
Debate doesn’t bring people together; getting to know one another as human beings does
53:45 Music contains the key
Harmony allows our differences to become a source of strength and unity
57:00 The word of the day: liminal
of, relating to, or situated at a sensory threshold : barely perceptible or capable of eliciting a response
What if life had background music?
Any moment can offer the opportunity to change our lives and our world
Does the glass ceiling promote pink collar crime?
What conditions encourage our "evil twin" to come out from the shadows?
How do we balance trust against vigilance without toxifying the workplace?
These and other contemporary challenges are addressed when Pink Collar Crime expert Kelly Paxton joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
How does the “Great Resignation” point the way to creating a workplace renaissance?
Why is unlearning a greater challenge than learning, and how does it take leadership to a new level?
Why is genuine curiosity an essential component to an ethical culture?
These and other enlightening topics are addressed when renaissance leadership guru Jean Marie DiGiovanna joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeandigiovanna/
How does contentment with the status quo prevent us from getting what we really want?
What does curling teach us about business and about life?
How do we steer away from chaos and crisis by preparing in times of calm?
These and other critical questions are addressed when Drop-in CEO Deb Coviello joins The Rabbi and the Shrink?
https://www.linkedin.com/in/deborahacoviello/
What causes stress and what will relieve it?
If work-life balance isn't the cause of our stress, what is?
Can you reorder your stress environment
These and other urgent questions for our personal well-being when anti-stress guru Eliz Greene joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/elizgreene/
https://elizgreene.com/
1:00 Lessons from cardiac arrest while carrying twins
A bubble of contentment protects us from tragedy and trauma
Where we want to be vs. where we need to be
It’s harder to watch someone you love going through uncertainty
Denying our pain can be fatal
Subtle pain can be just as deadly as intense pain
9:00 Gauging early warning signs against the fear of hypochondria
Job stress can have consequences at home
What causes stress and what will relieve it?
Overwhelm and uncertainty
NOT work-life balance
95% of our efforts are trying to solve the wrong problem
15:00 Stress is good in crisis, but dangerous when chronic
We’re stressed about being stressed
First responders are most at risk for stress
Pay attention to what you’re experiencing
20:00 What we can do to release stress
Changing focus relieves our cortisol level
The power celebrating little victories
The time and place for stoicism
Problem-solvers are vulnerable to difficult-to-solve problems
Wonderful is not always relaxing
Unreasonable expectations are the source of anxiety
27:00 We don’t live in joy all the time
Joy vs. contentment
How to keep stress outside my bubble
The sticky note solution
Can you reorder your stress environment
Ethics requires us to balance our responsibilities to others and to ourselves
We can’t mortgage ours health for the benefit of the team
32:00 We don’t do what we should because we know we should
Visualize what-ifs and what-if-nots
“I will because…”
Meet the goal, know why it’s important, do it your own way
Rebuke = validation, if it’s done the right way for the right reasons
The power of reward systems
47:00 The Word of the Day: Averted vision
We perceive brightness and color through the cones that are concentrated in the fovea, the central part of the eye. Fainter objects are more easily detected by the rods, which occupy the outer regions of the eye and perceive dim, monochromatic light.
First alluded to by Aristotle, the phenomenon called averted vision allows us to process information by looking away from an object of interest, just as a filter makes it possible to study the nuances of the sun’s surface by eliminating the intense light that makes direct observation impossible. Since the cones that make up the fovea register brighter light, we have to rely on the peripheral rods to capture subtleties of shading. But that only works when we look away.
We can overlook what’s right in front of us no matter how important it is
Consequences live at the periphery of our vision
Looking away can help us see more clearly
What does it say when we fail those who have given us so much?
How does the structure of our society complicate our problems?
Why does the stigma of mental health endure?
These and other critical questions are addressed when military mental health advocate William Negley joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/wwnegley/
https://sound-off.com/
1:00 How do we ensure mental health care for those who protect our country?
Sound off
Fighting stigma
Why chaplain care is not always enough
Filling in the gaps
Meeting people where they are
6:00 Why mental health stigma persists?
Bureaucracy, trust, complexity, desire for anonymity
Fear of blowback
10:00 The tragedy of crisis going unnoticed
What is the national security cost?
Meeting the need for anonymous care
Context creates awareness
23:00 What is the cause for explosion of PTSD
Does returning to a fractured society magnify the effects of trauma?
Lack of shared experience and resulting isolation
27:00 The ethics of responsibility
The ethics of awareness and guidance
How can we help?
Repaying our debt
When service itself places us among the vulnerable
The ethics of self-care
36:00 The word of the day: Pentimento
the presence or emergence of earlier images, forms, or strokes that have been changed and painted over
Mona Lisa is painted over multiple images
Our unseen layers shape and form who and what we become
By probing the underlayers with the intent to heal the whole person
Why do employees sometimes pretend to be someone they’re not?
When is bending norms the key to a healthy culture?
How do we avoid inadvertently projecting disrespect?
These and other highly relevant questions are addressed when neurodiversity expert Susan Fitzell joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/susanfitzell/
https://susanfitzell.com/
1:30 The origins of neurodiversity
Autism initiatives at Stanford
Executives and administrators were unprepared for working with the neurodiverse and neurodivergent
Asking questions and listening to answers opens doors and possibilities
5:30 Brains are wired differently from birth
We don’t always understand each other
Awareness and initiatives creates a vibrancy and multiplicity of perspective that sameness does not
Dyslexics as codebreakers
10:00 We hire for diversity but train for sameness
Efficiency often filters out talent and encourages a monolithic culture
We make mistaken judgments because we don’t respect differences
You will lose people because of harassment or mis-measuring
16:30 We may unconsciously project messages we don’t intend
Create a user’s manual or bio-deck for each employee
Morning check-ins
How accepting is our company culture
Are we providing options?
“Masking” increases stress
How kung-fu changed Susan’s life
26:00 The importance of asking for help
What do you do when you empty the transmission fluid instead of the oil?
Managers need to ask for help and ask the right person for help
We live in a world framed by a deficit mindset rather than a gift mindset
36:00 How do we promote diversity?
Address the issue to create the culture
Flexibility leads to success according to every metric
Concrete strategies -- Slack, chat, phone, email, etc.
Dress code flexibility
Brainstorm solutions
The perception of unfairness or arbitrariness promotes an unethical culture
48:00 The word of the day: Palimpsest
a parchment or the like from which writing has been partially or completely erased to make room for another text.
something that has a new layer, aspect, or appearance that builds on its past and allows us to see or perceive parts of this past
The Mona Lisa and many layers
Ogres are like onions
The importance of taking advantage of youth and remaining child-like in our learning
What are the triggers, patterns, and conditions that set us up for failure?
Why are we voyeurs of depravity rather than students of dignity?
Why are good-hearted leaders not more successful?
These and other critical questions are addressed when transformation guru Ron Carucci joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/roncarucci/
https://www.navalent.com/
1:45 The origins of truth, justice, and purpose
Why are good-hearted leaders not more successful?
Truth-telling makes all the difference
Tell the hero stories
Where does knowledge take us? That is the road to wisdom
8:30 Why are we voyeurs of depravity rather than students of dignity?
Stories of heroes inspire heroism in us
11:00 Four preconditions for success
- Be true to who you are -- unfulfilled values are destructive
- Justice and accountability -- measuring intangible contributions with integrity
- Governance -- make decisions honestly and transparently
- Cross-functional relationships -- seamless cohesion and conflict resolution
If you’re good at all four, you’re 16 more likely to have a healthy and vibrant work culture
Honesty is not a trait, it’s a muscle
20:00 It’s so obvious, why don’t people get it?
Leaders believe these things will take care of themselves; THEY WON’T!
Good intentions are a good start, but design is what makes them happen
The Jewish triad of truth, justice, and kindness
Our brains are hardwired for these values, if we don’t short-circuit them
28:30 What’s one big first step?
Start with you: be honest about your dishonesty
Keep a journal of where your behavior needs improvement
What are the triggers, patterns, and conditions that set me up for failure?
32:00 The word of the day: Casuistry (/ˈkæzjuɪstri/ KAZ-ew-iss-tree)
a process of reasoning that seeks to resolve moral problems by extracting or extending theoretical rules from a particular case, and reapplying those rules to new instances. This method occurs in applied ethics and jurisprudence.
Commonly used as a pejorative to criticize the use of clever but unsound reasoning, especially in relation to moral questions (as in sophistry)
Fact-driven decisions, not decision-driven facts
What happens when the people responsible aren’t responsible?
When is learning on the job dereliction of duty?
Do I really want to work for a company with a bad reputation?
These and other penetrating questions are addressed when auditing aficionado Julie Thompson joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://auditingalliance.org/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/thejuliethompson/
3:00 Why is auditing the last line of defense?
Anticipate problems and prepare for when they inevitably happen
Trust but verify -- no gotcha
Like ethics, auditing calls for constant improvement
Do you want to work for or with a company with a poor reputation?
The power of objective opinion
8:45 What makes a good (or ethical) auditor?
Am I qualified for the job being offered?
Pressure to overlook problem situations as “outliers”
Downplaying as “low-risk”
Neglect in one area implies neglect in another
Van Halen and the red M&Ms
15:30 Covid masks on airlines or in places of business
Lasting effects and oversight
Internal vs. 3rd party follow up
23:00 What happens when people who are responsible aren’t responsible?
Inexperience = insecurity
Fear of asking questions or inefficiency
The enemies of ethics
Rationalization, fear, and deflection
The whistleblower’s dilemma
David and Goliath
32:00 The word of the day: contumacious
stubbornly perverse or rebellious; willfully and obstinately disobedient.
Mark Twain’s three kinds of lies
We have to have a sincere desire to do what’s right
Judaism’s internal self-audit
What is your reason for getting up each morning?
Why are distraction and FOMO so dangerous to our well-being?
How is the media consciously sabotaging our efforts for success?
These and other highly relevant questions are addressed when David E. Marlow, the Ikigai Guy, joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/davidemarlow/
2:00 What is Ikigai?
Your reason for getting up in the morning
Living in the moment of doing what you are uniquely created to do
Doors open naturally when we are aligned with our true purpose
4:00 Is this different from living according to God’s will?
Living your essence in the best way you can
Disintegration is the opposite of integrity
Finding our balancing point between focus on our higher purpose and focus on our community
9:00 What is MOAI?
Connection to family, friends, and community
11:00 How David found his Ikigai
What came to him in a dream
Looking back, we see how seemingly disconnected events are connected by a common thread
The blessing of Providence and serendipity appear when we pay attention
20:00 What to do if you feel you’re wasting your life
The power of self-reflection and monotasking
Distraction and FOMO destroy productivity
27:00 More views, less news
Set priorities and eliminate noise
Don’t let the media manipulate you and steal your time
Feeling alive vs. true living
We uncover rather than discover our true selves
38:00 The word of the day: hedonic adaptation
the return to our emotional default settings that follows experiential peaks and valleys
We conflate pleasure with happiness
It’s not moments of elation but the differentiation between states of being
Lottery winners are no happier than paraplegics
45:00 Start small to go big
Invest in yourself and believe that your essence is there waiting for you to uncover it
Begin working to define your purpose
What do you do to be a bad boss?
What’s the greatest gift you can give?
Would you talk to another person the way you talk to yourself?
These and other fascinating questions are addressed when Brain Science maven Melissa Hughes, Ph.D. joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/melissahughesphd/
https://www.melissahughes.rocks/
2:00 Knowing our past gives us a sense of direction for the future
From 4th grade teacher to neuroscience researcher
We all have access to information; how are we using it?
6:30 What do you do to be a bad boss?
Traditional hierarchy vs. teams
Psychological safety and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs
We all want to feel that we belong
Innovation is all about challenging the status quo
“This is how we do it” vs. “Can we do it better?”
11:00 Who is wise? One who learns from every person
We have to know what works, but also what doesn’t work
Obstacles vs. challenges: the brain loves challenges
Leaders who listen to employees create a culture of problem solving
15:00 The best way to learn is to teach
We all teach and we all learn
We all contribute and we’re all recognized
The brain doesn’t differentiate between physical and emotional threats
Diversity of perspective leads to full understanding
What’s the greatest gift we can give?
19:30 When we contribute we fee ownership and control
Patterns and self-fulfilling prophecies
We notice what we’re looking for
Would I talk to another person the way I talk to myself?
Showing gratitude benefits us more that the object of our appreciation
25:00 The brain’s bouncer
The brain let’s in what we tell it to
29:30 The word of the day: Adumbrative
serving to foreshadow; faintly indicative
We create our own reality through our experiences, habits, and expectations
Why do we choose not to be clear?
Are we flawed or are we human?
How does nurturing ourselves benefit our businesses?
These and other urgent questions are addressed when joyful living guru Cordelia Gaffar joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/cordelia-gaffar/
http://cordeliagaffar.com/
2:00 The value of joy-mongering and joy-bonding
Elevate our interactions rather than being transactional
Joy is a function of growth, progress, purpose and connection
Our vocabulary creates our world
How joy addresses the lack of trust in business
The corrosive effect of tracking software
9:00 How nurturing ourselves benefits our businesses
Different kinds of rest, diet, and exercise are essential to a joyful disposition
Emotions and thoughts influence and are influenced by our state of being
We have more control over thoughts than feelings and most control over our actions
14:00 Doubt, frustration, isolation, powerlessness depress our attitude and performance
The complexity of “safe spaces”
Culture flows top-down, modeling trusting behavior promotes a culture of trust
Experimentation is the human condition
19:00 Clear communication leads to productive cooperation and collaboration
Why do we choose not to be clear?
We have to know who we are and who others are
Are we flawed or are we human?
Vulnerability promotes trust
Ally-ship and followership
The value of silence
29:00 The word of the day: sesquipedalian
polysyllabic; long.
- characterized by long words; long-winded.
We need to communicate in a way that strikes a balance between concise and thorough
#55 Winning through generosity w/ April Shprintz
How do you make the leap from damage control to prevention?
What question should leaders be asking themselves?
What is the ROI of generosity?
These and other transformational questions are addressed when generosity guru April Shprintz joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/aprilshprintz/
https://drivenoutcomes.com/
1:30 What are magic blue rocks?
We don’t always recognize how we can inspire others
Mindset makes all the difference
The power of authentic storytelling
6:30 The belief that life can be different
We can feel shame for circumstances beyond our control
When generosity becomes a reflex, it means nothing to us but everything to others
We don’t see what grows from the seeds we sow
In order to serve others, we have to see the bigger picture
14:15 Things in life happen for you, not to you
Working on how you view the world is the best thing you can do for yourself
What’s with the leopard print?
Dressing your truth
The sages’ lesson from the animal world
21:00 The ROI of generosity
Pour into your people, your clients, and your community
Symbiosis survives and thrives
When leaders don’t recognize their own resources
What are The 5 Questions?
27:00 Leaders need to ask themselves: is your culture healthy?
The consultant as a member of the pit crew
How do you define “leader”?
Generosity should be a no-brainer
People who guard their “secret sauce” may have little that’s actually worth guarding
We’re in business to make ourselves obsolete
32:00 Is generosity a hard-sell?
When people are ready, then it becomes easy to show them the solution
Make the leap from damage control to prevention
You don’t have time? You don’t have time not to!
Firemen are sexier than building inspectors
36:00 The word of the day: Effluence
the action or process of flowing out; efflux.
something that flows out; emanation.
Effluence is close to affluence -- when we pour into others, we serve ourselves as well
How do we stay focused and not slip back into old patterns?
What is the difference between kindness and niceness?
If it’s greater to give than to receive, what is the greatest gift you can give?
These and other deep, meaningful questions are addressed when powerful kindness advocate Barbara Vercruysse joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/barbara-vercruysse-431027113/
https://www.barbaravercruysse.com/
1:00 Kindness is not weakness
Given six months to live
What is my legacy? What would I do with a second chance?
What kind of success leads to happiness?
6:00 How do we keep focus and not slip back into old patterns?
Gratitude is the foundation
Why waste our days in complaining and negativity?
What do challenges and obstacles teach us?
Do we give in to the darkness or do we strive to be the light?
You are the source of what you are looking for
12:00 Why do we think of kindness as weakness?
What’s the difference between kindness and niceness?
Kindness is love-based
If we meet negativity with negativity, then we are victims, too
Abraham is characterized by kindness and sowed the seeds of kindness throughout the world
Every human encounter is an opportunity and a sacred moment
Start each day with intention and develop resistance to triggers
21:00 Lead and teach by example
Always leave room for a constructive conversation
When you embody what you teach, words become less important
If it’s greater to give than to receive, what is the greatest gift you can give?
Vulnerability is a form of power
25:30 If you’re triggered, don’t take it personally
What is it in me that makes me feel triggered?
Secure people don’t get offended, even if they have the right to be
The story of the rabbi praising himself
30:00 The word of the day: akrasia
weakness of will; acting in a way contrary to one's sincerely held moral values
Why don’t we do the right thing even when we know it’s the right thing to do?
Peer pressure, lack of conviction
We need to build our moral muscle memory
How do you tell the truth when there’s so much pressure to do the opposite?
How do we stop greasing the slippery slope to hell?
What is “ethical fading” and what can we do about it?
These and other compelling questions are addressed Courageous Leadership pioneer Brooke Deterline joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.thecourage2lead.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/brooke-deterline-428aa7/
1:30 Our most real beliefs may not be true
“The Heroic Imagination Project”
It’s easy for good people to do the wrong thing under pressure
The danger of situational influences
“Now that we know, what will we do?”
8:00 Brooke’s own epiphany of moral vulnerability
Responding through social fitness against our biology
Professor Dumbledor’s wisdom to combat groupthink
Courageous democracy
Grief is a powerful connector
14:00 Strengthening ethical decision-making through cognitive behavior training
Physical mindfulness
Write down your negative automatic thoughts, i.e, fears
Identify the behaviors emerge in stressful situations and what’s the likely impact
What we can do that’s helpful to ourselves, e.g., give ourselves distance
We can always circle back if we don’t get it right in the moment
Forward-cast others in their best roles
22:00 Even if it’s not my fault, it might still be my responsibility
In teams, we learn how to give those around us the support they want and need
Don’t be afraid to ask
Simulations need real anxiety to create muscle memory
What are the outcomes we want based on our values?
33:00 Have we thought enough about our core values?
We may not have learned to articulate them
God created difficult people for our benefit
The domino system of learning empathy
Invite participants to take the role as leaders
39:00 The 4 stages of psychological safety
Belonging safety
Learning safety
Contribution safety
Challenger safety
Transform anxiety into excitement
Three contrarians can create safety to challenge
The danger of ethical fading
48:00 Why do we miss the gorilla in the room?
Learn to see in 3-D
Don’t trust yourself until the day you die
We need to keep each other honest
There’s no such thing as an expert
Dissolute
indifferent to moral restraints; given to immoral or improper conduct; licentious; dissipated.
Dissolutive
- Decomposition into fragments or parts; disintegration.
- Termination or extinction by disintegration or dispersion:
- Indulgence in sensual pleasures; debauchery.
The dissolution of the empire was remarkably swift.
Joseph’s brothers and Reuben’s irresolution
When we see ourselves as individuals, we lose conviction in carrying though on our values
Connection with the right people is a source of moral strength
Why is company culture necessary for technical skills to make a difference?
Who is more essential: workers or executives?
Was Jack Welsh good for business?
These and other highly relevant questions are addressed when Career Success Accelerator Mark Herschberg joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.thecareertoolkitbook.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/hershey/
0:45 Origins of the career toolkit
How can an engineer (or anyone else) learn leadership, communicating, networking, teambuilding, and negotiating?
Not just for senior leaders but for everyone
3:00 What do you believe that others don’t?
Why soft skills need another name, and technical skills are not enough
Ben Parker’s wisdom
Expand your rectangle for greater success
Improve your weakness as well as your strengths
9:00 How to build a high-power network
More is not always better
Seek quality over quantity
What can I give, not what can I get
14:00 How to make quality connections:
Show that you know who they are
“Here’s an offer to help (not sell)”
Follow up without hounding
17:00 Leadership mistakes
Unlike authority, leadership is not positional
Why the best CEO does nothing
Who is more essential: workers or executives?
Why salary differential is both unethical and destabilizing
Was Jack Welsh good for business?
24:00 The importance of uncomfortable conversations
We need to change quarterly projections and optimization
B-corps vs. C-corps
Not maximizing profits may be the key to success
Create longer term incentives and obligations
30:00 Temperament and consistency
Stated vs. practiced values
“Blame me” for asking about corporate culture
34:00 The word of the day: instantiate
Embody, epitomize
to represent (an abstraction) by a concrete instance.
Having real-life examples the demonstrate principles of wisdom, we can better put those principles into practice
Create your own community to develop these skills and mindset
Why is ignorance a gift?
Why are we afraid to tell our own truth?
How does sympathy drive us apart?
Join us as we discuss these and other compelling topics with Paralympian and executive coach John Register on this episode of The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://johnregister.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/johnregister/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M08l27PzJ8E
1:00 People are uncomfortable telling their truths and articulating the object of their fears
All fear stems from fear of the unknown
2:30 Kids are willing to say what adults are afraid to
Embrace the new normal
New is “no prior frame of reference”
5:00 Kids come with innocence… when did we lose ours?
Labels and categories create tension
Empathy vs. sympathy
Honor and respect others for who they are and on their terms
10:00 Have low expectations and work to raise the bar
11:00 Ignorance is a good thing if it makes us curious
We need to be inquisitive and want to expand our knowledge base
14:00 The fear of being misinterpreted of of inadvertently giving offense suppresses our curiosity
16:00 Swifter, higher, stronger -- always set the bar higher above each plateau
The nature of steps -- the top of one is the bottom of the next
A door is a point of transition: always look for the next door
20:00 How do we manage a step backward?
Always tell the truth and take responsibility
23:00 We all have disabilities -- some are more evident than others
Give every person the benefit of the doubt that they are trying to overcome their own challenges
27:00 Find the quiet space in your daily routine and use them as anchoring rituals
Develop good habits and avoid decision fatigue
32:00 We need support systems
Friendship is a profound gift, and we need to seek out people of quality and invest ourselves in them
34:00 We need to be able to take so others can give
36:00 Giving hard news, making hard decisions, supporting others in their decisions
38:30 Relationships may never recover from trust betrayed
Standing up for principles, even when there’s a price to pay
42:00 In a culture of trust, there is less opportunity for giving or taking offense
When truth outweighs fear, we commit to a courageous life
46:00 Tell people closest to you your secrets, then you won’t have to be afraid they will come out
Integrity calls us to take responsibility and be accountable
50:00 Word of the day: interstice -- take a pause
We should respond, not react, which requires us to take a moment before we speak or act
52:00 What’s one area where you can bring a truth to light and share it with another?
56:00 The founder of the Paralympics
The refusal to accept that circumstances can’t be improved is the essence of ethics
Why do people become lemmings?
What is self-awareness like being a jazz musician?
How can we reframe whistleblowing as leadership!
These and other compelling questions are addressed when therapeutic improvisationalist Dr. Michael Alcee joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/michael-alcee-14417755/
https://michaelalcee.com/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkkGPyc3ZmA
2:30 Embrace dissonance to create new forms
Bliss comes often from embracing difficulties and dilemmas
Before we can deal with diversity and multitudes without we have to address them within
We need to confront our inner diversity and contention
We become exiled from ourselves
The lessons of Joseph and his brothers
We have to anticipate how our messages will be deceived
We have to recognize where we’ve gone wrong before we can move forward
12:00 Take inventory
No shortcuts to self-knowledge or knowledge of others
The difference between hurt and hate, between guilt and grievance
Anger is easier than vulnerability but often counterproductive
Why am I feeling anger? Why are you?
Trauma can’t be talked about, it has to be acted out
Instead of being adversaries, we can heal each other
Seeking the I-thou moment
Mirror neurons -- we’re designed to connect and respond
20:00 How introverts can thrive in groups
We have to know others before we can accurate interpret their behavior
Nurture, nature, or both?
The rule of three is programmed into nature, refuting binary perception
Not good for Man to be alone
28:30 In exile we can discover our own divinity
Being human is like improvising a jazz performance
If we don’t face the changes, we miss the opportunity to create
The wisdom of “yes, and…”
We are a compilation of stories
If you’re listening, you can make something beautiful out of anything
34:00 Why do people become lemmings?
Our two favorite things are stability and change
To question, we have to allow ourselves to not know
Reframe a whistleblower as a leader
It’s easier to vilify than to accept rebuke
44:00 The amputee and the red boot
We want to celebrate what makes it unique
“Who made a bigger mistake today
47:00 The word of the day: Tmesis
When the prefix is separated from the simple verb) was an original feature of the Ancient Greek language, also common in Latin, Dutch and German.
A whole nother...(story / kettle of fish / ball game) is an example of tmesis in English.
Colloquial examples include the common "un-[bloody]-believable"
Ned Flanders, a character in The Simpsons: "Wel-diddly-elcome!"
Interrupting the natural flow brings attention to the content. Introverts have a natural tendency to look and think deeper, to notice subtlety and nuance; they have less fear of silence, and are often more attuned to new ways of thinking and seeing because they don’t get caught up in the relentless rhythm of life.
#50 You are more than enough with Mariah and Byron Edgington
Can we raise ourselves when we’re connected to people who pull us down?
Where do we turn when we’re overwhelmed?
What’s the greatest gift you can give?
These and other critical questions are addressed when mindset coaches Mariah and Byron Edgington join The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/byronedgington/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/mariahedgington/
https://www.mariahedgington.com/
1:30 More than ever, people need affirmation that we can craft a better world
Where do we turn when we’re overwhelmed?
Just reaching out can change or save a life
We can miss cues that others are desperate for connection
4:30 What’s the greatest gift you can give?
Giving helps the giver as much or more than the receiver
Our moods affect those around us -- mirror neurons
By giving to others, we enable them to give to us
8:00 The more compassion and respect we give ourselves, the more we have to give others
What can we do when we don’t believe we’re good enough?
We aren’t our worst moments
We have to make a conscious decision to focus on the good
14:00 Reframe mistakes as lessons
“You can’t pilot the boat from the wake.” ~Wayne Dyer
Lester Young: the inspiring story of turning a life around (Episode #45)
20:30 Can we raise ourselves when we’re connected to people who pull us down?
Setting boundaries can bring us closer
Rebuke is validation of the potential to improve
Demonstrating commitment to core values raises the bar for others
When we’re pushovers, we harm everyone
26:00 The power of women to lead
Speaking so that our words will be heard
We don’t have to change; we have to uncover our true selves
32:00 The more we give, the more we receive
“We are what we leave behind”
Context and perspective empowers us to affect genuine change
37:00 The word of the day: overdetermined
determine, account for, or cause (something) in more than one way or with more conditions than are necessary.
We can’t try to reduce outcomes to a single cause
Rather, balance individual influences in our lives with the multiplicity of factors and outlooks by expanding our perception and contextualizing what we have and what we need to improve
Is our society becoming more cultish?
Are we facing the twilight of democracy?
Can individuals change the culture of our society?
These and other critical questions are addressed when Former Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense for the Middle East Michael Patrick Mulroy joins The Rabbi and the Shrink
https://www.linkedin.com/in/michael-mick-patrick-mulroy-31198b52/
http://loboinstitute.org/
1:30 What is integrity? What does it have to do with being an American citizen?
Doing the right thing even when no one is watching
From its inception, the United States has been founded on the principles of freedom and equality
Integrity = integer
More than peace, harmony
Different people with different ideas connected by a common mission
5:00 A nation’s integrity comes from the character of its people
We need to honor our word for both our allies and our enemies
The way we do things is as important as what we do
7:00 What can we do as individuals?
Associate with people of integrity
The twilight of democracy?
We have a national obligation to live up to our values as a counterweight to countries that don’t share them
10:00 Can we afford to stand up globally for our values?
Even if regime change is a good idea, it often doesn’t work
Diplomacy
Economic pressure and influence?
Action
13:00 What does the man on the street think?
We need to be stronger individuals
It doesn’t matter what we do, since we can’t change things
Many Americans have no real understanding of authoritarianism
Have the courage to engage and promote passionate moderation
The danger of perception influencing reality
21:00 Nuance is messy
People are scared to grapple with complexity or take an unpopular stand
Take time to listen to the other side without responding
Genuinely seek wisdom
26:00 Is our society becoming more cultish?
Cults don’t encourage asking questions
Seek truth by challenging and accepting to be challenged
We surround ourselves with people who think like us, which promotes gridlock
33:00 Both sides need to call out extremists on their own side, not the other side
Value character over policy:
Wisdom, justice, courage, temperance
Surround ourselves with people who will hold us accountable
41:00 The word of the day: invidious
calculated to create ill will or resentment or give offense; hateful:
offensively or unfairly discriminating; injurious:
causing or tending to cause animosity, resentment, or envy:
Be discriminating without discriminating
Alfred the Butler and the warlord
How do you outrun a bear in business?
Why isn’t “know, like, and trust” enough to attract partners?
What’s the difference between partnership and kickbacks?
These and other intriguing questions are addressed when referral guru Matt Ward joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/mattwardspeaks/
http://www.mattwardspeaks.com/
1:00 Referrals are all about relationships
People do business with people they know, like, trust… and care about
Don’t look at people as commodities
Ethics is a function of authenticity
The four pillars of genuine connection:
Overdelivery
Listening
Surprise
Non-self-serving acts
It takes time: you can accelerate it but not hack it
9:00 Service is the key to building relationships
Think about what you can learn rather what can they do for you
12:00 Referral fees?
What’s the difference between partnership and kickbacks?
Transparency avoids ethical violations
The gift of charity?
18:00 Surround yourself with quality people
How to create a community?
What is the responsibility of the referrer?
Don’t chase the numbers game… work to grow quality connections
Once trust fails, it’s extremely hard to earn back
26:00 What is the role of social media?
How do you outrun a bear in business?
30:00 How to leverage LinkedIn?
“This is not networking.”
Joy is a state of being
Find what you love and pursue it
37:00 Be genuinely curious about other people
The more we know each other, the more we can serve each other
40:00 The word of the day: Gila, Hebrew for “joy” from the root “wave”
A dissipative structure that holds its shape while its component parts change like a wave, changing while staying the same, the joy of progress
How can you exert power without taking center stage?
How can you use the practical to concretize the abstract?
Are traditional roles actually more empowering for women?
These and other unorthodox questions are addressed when feminist author and speaker Gila Manolson joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
http://gilamanolson.com/
1:30 A story of personal transformation
A feminist atheist sees gender roles in a new way
A vision of purity introduced a different view of life and intimacy
6:00 Modesty is an expression of self-value and self-worth
Directing our attention toward the internal rather than the external
The astounding personal dignity of a former Miss America
The relationship between man and wife is a paradigm for intimacy with the Creator
Using the practical to concretize the abstract
10:30 The paradox of distance bringing us closer
The case for sexual integrity
Rules are set in place for our benefit
Superficial intimacy can teach us not to trust
Even the truest, most articulate message needs the right messenger
18:00 The more you liberate yourself from external validation, the more secure you become in yourself and your value will be recognized by others
The secret to a successful relationship
The mission to “civilize” men
Arousing the inner will rather than the outer will
Women have more power than they know
25:00 Are traditional roles actually more empowering for women?
Women are less attracted by superficiality than men
Don’t pretend men and women aren’t different
30:00 Why is there a partition in traditional synagogues?
Avoid distraction and focus on our individual relationships with the Almighty
Modesty applies to men as well as women
“The absent sense of self”
I’m not my body, my achievements, or my associations… what is my essence?
37:00 How can women feel responsible for men’s reactions without feeling like second class citizens?
As members of the same society, we are all responsible for one another
Power is the ability to affect change, even without taking center stage
43:00 There is nothing more powerful than putting others in touch with their own souls
Too few people in this world are truly in touch with themselves
What is the contribution that we have the unique ability to make?
Women owe nothing to men (or anyone)
Not needing to be liked gives us the freedom to be our best selves
49:00 How the sixties destroyed boundaries and defeated their own purpose
We don’t need sheep, we need leaders
When it comes to our children (and ourselves), we have to stand up for what’s right
Believe in yourself
The C in ETHICS is courage, which is only possible with confidence
56:30 The word of the day: saccade
the act of checking a horse quickly with a single strong pull of the reins.
Ophthalmology. the series of small, jerky movements of the eyes when changing focus from one point to another.
Modesty is the filter that protects from the distractions of the world and enables us to rein in our baser impulses
Reclaiming wholesomeness
#46 Sam Ardery -- Become positively conflicted
Why is the next thing you’re going to say probably a mistake?
Why is conflict a mixed blessing?
Why do you double-down when you know you’re wrong?
These and other critical challenges to conflict resolution will be elucidated when mediation guru Sam Ardery joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/sam-ardery-b78a8022/
https://www.samardery.com/
1:30 Using personal experience to teach without coming off as a martyr or a saint
We trust our own common sense when we need objective perspective
4:30 Conflict is a mixed blessing
Problems are mostly fear-based
Balancing passion against professionalism
9:30 We turn to anger because it’s easier than self-reflection
“Why don’t you change so I’ll feel better?”
We fade in and out of self-awareness
Well-given rebuke can reach us and make us recalibrate
13:00 “Would you rather be right or would you rather be married?”
What are the secrets of successful negotiation?
Ask yourself these questions:
- What do you want?
- What are my biggest fears and concerns?
- What tradeoffs are you willing to make?
Radical listening is key
Ethics is all about relationships: empathy, trust, respect
18:00 Why do we double down when we know we’re wrong?
How do we get past our egos?
Apologies with excuses don’t work
“If you love me, you’ll understand” -- NOT
20:30 Obstacles to resolution and compromise
People who know they have G-d on their side
The longer the problem has gone on
The deeper the emotional investment
Politics today is the new religion
The benefit of constructive disagreement
28:00 Impossible alliances and friendships are actually possible
The value of trusted advisors
Entering conflict ask:
Is it worth it?
Is it safe?
The danger of disproportionate response
34:00 The person who saved Sam’s life
We’re not binary -- we’re complicated
“I may not be much, but I’m all I think about”
We’re all special, and we all suffer
Don’t tell people what they need to understand, what they have to understand, or what they should understand
Understanding is a gift, acceptance is a choice
40:00 We have tremendous influence when we can take our own experience and universalize it to enlighten others
42:00 The word of the day: malevolent
wishing evil or harm to another or others; showing ill will; ill-disposed; malicious:
His failures made him malevolent toward those who were successful.
evil; harmful; injurious:
Recognizing the difference between intended and unintended pain is the key to gauging an ethical response
45:00 conflict is a full-bodied experience
“If in times of tension, the next thing you say will make you feel better, it’s probably wrong
Beware of Pyrrhic victories
**How do we escape from the prison of our mind?
How do we acquire the mindset to transform failure into victory and success?
What do we want our life and our legacy to be?**
These and other pressing questions are addressed when a Muslim ex-con, a Catholic shrink, and an Orthodox rabbi sit down together on The Rabbi and the Shrink. Don't miss this episode with Lester Young!
https://www.linkedin.com/in/lester-young-b1b6a0106/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC7Y3oh7l_wqJSCPtitB9BFw
1:30 How a life sentence became a life’s mission
What do we want our life and our legacy to be?
One man, one book, made all the difference
We are all masters of our own fate
Authentic leaders inspire us to challenge ourselves
4:00 Free will: the past does not have to define us
We can’t necessarily change our circumstances but we can change ourselves
Dissociation started a process that ended with prayer
A perpetrator can honor a victim by becoming a new person
The path to reconciliation and redemption
14:00 How do we truly make amends?
The most horrific failures can be transmuted into unimaginable victories
When we can resolve our differences and errors we don’t need the justice system to do it for us
17:00 Witnessing a victim’s pain evoked empathy
Victims of pain and violence can become perpetrators
We can always grow to recognize how to reinvent ourselves and take responsibility
21:00 When you prepare yourself, providence provides the opportunity
Journaling and gratitude
Five stages of incarceration: denial, anger, victimization, asking forgiveness, self-forgiveness
The need for prison reform: Recriminalization vs. Decriminalization
25:00 Wisdom attracts adherents
Change yourself, change your environment
We are all living in prisons of one kind or another
29:00 We all need advocates and support
Rehabilitation begins the day you walk into prison
Addressing the collateral damage victims
Why aren’t our correctional facilities corrective?
35:30 Word of the day: allyship
the status or role of a person who advocates and actively works for the inclusion of a marginalized or politicized group in all areas of society, not as a member of that group but in solidarity with its struggle and point of view and under its leadership:
Genuine allyship does not come with special recognition—we do not get awards for confronting issues people have to live with every day.
the relationship or status of persons, groups, or nations associating and cooperating with one another for a common cause or purpose:
Joseph went from prison to king of the world in a day
Nelson Mandela
Never lose hope -- break out of the mental prison walls and the opportunities that will appear
How do we bridge the distance between the speaker and the listener?
Why is speaking truth to power both an illusive and a sought-after commodity?
Why is shooting the messenger really shooting yourself?
These and other fascinating and relevant questions are addressed when leadership guru Kimi Hirotsu Ziemski joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/kimihirotsuziemski/
https://ksppartnership.com/
1:00 What is the responsibility of the asker and the askee?
Commitment to time, energy, and understanding
Fear of appearing stupid or insensitive
Lack of confidence that we can clearly express ourselves
We think it’s safer to stay silent, which sets us up for failure
5:00 William H. Whyte: the greatest problem of communication is the illusion that it has taken place
It doesn’t matter how hard we try to be clear if we don’t succeed
The courage to say: I’m not clear
8:00 Take responsibility, using humor or self-deprecation
Beware of being “bullied by your own admiration”
Accidental bullying
Responsible third party interventions
12:00 You will surely rebuke your neighbor, but don’t bear a sin because of him
Love rebuke
Rebuke = validation
Timing, wording, privacy, pure motivation
We are all so insecure today, that giving and receiving rebuke is almost impossible, yet it is a leader’s obligation
15:00 The follower’s responsibility to follow wisely and follow wise leaders
If you “shoot the messenger” you won’t receive many messages
Every leader needs a trusted advisor
20:00 The first follower transforms a lone wolf (or a nut job) into a leader
The price of short-term discomfort vs the value of long-term success
Create a culture of trust
26:00 Our attitude toward learning and growth comes from upbringing and social norms
Why is speaking truth to power both an illusive and a sought-after commodity?
Have the courage to step up and make a difference
Have the courage to say what needs to be said
34:00 Insecurity promotes rationalization, which is to everyone’s detriment
Find a back door when you can’t confront problems head on
36:30 Word of the Day: Zeugma
the use of a word to modify or govern two or more words usually in such a manner that it applies to each in a different sense or makes sense with only one
“They covered themselves with dust and glory.” – Mark Twain
Ethical behavior serves us and others in different ways.
Consider the difference between the process and the outcome
45:00 How do we invite others into the conversation?
Start by clearing our mental palate from intellectual junk food
Inspire others to ask us about being more than we are
Start small
What one thing can you do!
Why are New Year's resolutions so hard to keep?
Do we want to change enough to really commit ourselves?
What are some basic strategies to do and be better?
These and other critical questions are addressed in this archive episode of The Rabbi and the Shrink.
1:00 Repentance means a return to the straight and narrow through 1) stopping the improper behavior, 2) feeling remorse, 3) verbalizing our apology, and 4) planning a strategy not to backslide into old behaviors. Without a specific, concrete plan we have little chance of achieving lasting change.
4:00 The story of the first time Rabbi Goldson observed the Sabbath according to Jewish law, which demonstrates that the promises we make to ourselves may be the most important promises we keep.
9:30 Many people are not good to themselves, which may be why ethics really does start at home. What do you do to take care of or honor yourself?
11:00 Is there any sin that is truly unforgivable? According to the sages, only seven biblical figures totally forfeited their share in the world to come through actions that led others to sin.
13:00 Start with achievable goals. Find accountability partners.
15:00 Are there do-overs? Aside from the most egregious and lasting harm we might cause, we should be able to hit a reset button and commit to better behavior than wallowing in regret or resentment.
If a sin leads me to set higher standards for myself, then it actually becomes metabolized into something positive.
18:00 Look at the past with fresh eyes, recognize each party’s responsibility, evaluate with empathy, identify what needs fixing.
We are heroes and victims and witnesses in almost every situation. We need to ask ourselves: how do we become heroes?
21:00 There’s no app for being ethical, and there shouldn’t be. It’s by grappling with gray areas that we develop our ethical muscles.
When it comes to our errors, we can always make ourselves better, but we can’t always repair the damage we’ve done.
23:30 Moderating our response to others’ mistakes, especially children.
25:30 The Nazi officer asked a camp inmate for forgiveness. Should the Jew have forgiven him?
28:00 Does mental illness exempt a person from culpability? But it shifts responsibility to seeking help and to those in a position to help. Sometimes we just have to struggle with the impossibility of finding closure.
33:00 What was, what can be, and what should be, is the path forward.
Continuing behavior should not be forgiven unless it is uncontrollable or no effort is being made to control it. The evils of sarcasm.
39:00 Word of the day: incogitant -- thoughtless, careless, or lacking the faculty of thought. We have to be thoughtful to be ethical, but we also have to balance high standards against reasonable expectations for others and ourselves.
The Hebrew word for rebuke shares its root with the word for vindication.
42:30 How do we understand the biblical command not to bear a grudge? We can’t control our feelings, but we can control whether we act on or articulate our feelings.
We don’t have to say everything we think. Only speak when it’s likely to do some good.
47:00 If two people both think they’re doing the right thing and they disagree with each other, how do we reconcile their different perceptions?
Schedule a time to discuss disagreements; don’t ambush people.
“I’d like to understand your point of view.”
54:00 How do parents confront school policies or actions by the school that the parents see as unethical. Often a third party intervention can de-escalate conflict.
**Why is business more like baseball than brain surgery?
Are we responding to a virtual world by creating a culture of mistrust?
Why don’t leaders recognize the profitability of a healthy company culture?**
These and other critical questions are addressed when ethics evangelist Nick Gallo joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/ngallo/
https://complianceline.com/
1:00 The resonance of ethics
The aspiration of culture and flexibility
Happiness comes from purpose
Serving by helping others help themselves
4:00 The value of culture first
Lean into your strengths and talents while improving your weaknesses
We don’t serve our cause or our partners by pressuring people to be automatons
A diverse community promotes vibrancy and creativity
You can’t sell an idea if you don’t live it yourself
9:00 Why don’t leaders recognize the profitability of a healthy company culture?
Our best intentions may not survive the pressure of the status quo
We don’t have patience to wait for change to improve our lives
13:00 COVID is the Great Revealer
Crisis brings out the best and the worst
Adaptability is the key to enduring success
How do we benefit from weaponized ethics?
15:00 Are we responding to a virtual world by creating a culture of mistrust?
The paradox of monitoring tools
19:00 A lot of our training is broken
Salespeople are forced to sell outdated solutions rather than participate in creating new ones
Imagine sales teams and creative teams working together
23:00 Why is compliance the enemy of ethics?
Using the law to subvert the law is a toxic mindset
Fear of change urges people to go backward
26:00 Hierarchy of values can work against us
Cultural values have to be lived, not just spoken
Compliance is the safety platform but doesn’t encourage growth
30:00 Always do what’s in the best interest of everyone
Risk, creativity, and vision
Ethics sherpas help leaders up the compliance mountain
Leaders project the values that define a culture
35:00 Children of heroes become heroes (and vice versa)
Followers are “children” of their leaders
You can’t make plants grow, you can only provide a healthy environment
40:00 Reframe anxiety as excitement
We live in exciting times if we visualize where we can go
43:00 The word of the day: insouciant
We have to balance being free from anxiety against being careless and cavalier
We need a measure of tension if we are going to grow and achieve
Life is more like baseball than like brain surgery
What’s the difference between influence and manipulation?
**How has COVID created the need for a new leadership breed?
How do you lead those who don’t want to take risks to do what’s right?
These and other fascinating questions are addressed when Judith Germain, the Mindful Maverick, joins the Rabbi and the Shrink.*https://www.linkedin.com/in/judithgermain/https://themaverickparadox.com/*
1:00 What is the Maverick Paradox?
What kind of leader will risk everything to do what’s right and give up everything to defend it?
Why do companies hire mavericks and then resent them?
You can be a maverick by personality or by vision
Maverick leader is who you are and what you actually do
Everyone can be a maverick leader
5:00 We all have the potential but we don’t all have the will
“Maverick leaders will swim upstream like a salmon even though they know there’s a bear waiting for them
7:30 How do you lead those who don’t want to take risks to do what’s right?
All of human experience is paradoxical
Leaders need to be consultants and promote an antifragile culture
12:00 How do we help mavericks grow?
The difference between extroverted mavericks and introverted mavericks
Patience is a learned trait
Manage the tension between independence and interdependence
Authentic leadership is getting others to want to do the right thing
15:00 What’s the difference between influence and manipulation?
It comes down to intention
Eventually people revolt against manipulation
Maverick leaders are great storytellers
What’s the difference between socialized mavericks and extreme mavericks?
19:00 It’s lonely being a maverick
Pull yourself out of the fight to carry on the fight
When does tension lead to innovation?
How has COVID created the need for a new breed of leaders?
25:00 If you’re not being challenged, something is wrong.
Unanimity is overrated
If a maverick stops arguing, it means they’ve stopped caring
29:00 Four different personalities
Conformist, maverick behaviorist, socialized maverick, and extreme maverick
Balance the good of others and the good of themselves
What are the defining characteristics of a maverick leader:
Determined
Reputation -- character and competence
Influence
Versatility
Execution
Narration
Differences with a sense of common vision drives success
34:00 Trust is built or undermined over time
Principled leadership inspires trusting followership
Grover Cleveland
Unreasonable expectations sabotages the system
Ethics always begins with accountability
Only through passionate engagement and constructive disagreement can we get closer to the truth
45:00 Word of the day: iconoclast
Challenge the conventional wisdom
When politics becomes religion, there can be no ethical debate
Strike the balance between civility and being contrarian
#41 Julie Hruska -- Awaken from sleepwalking into self-confidence
How do we prioritize competing values and commitments?
What are the 6 habits of success?
What is holding you back from being successful?
These and other compelling questions are addressed when high performance coach Julie Hruska joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://powerfulleaders.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/julie-hruska-067414188/
2:00 How living others expectations can go wrong
Waking up from sleepwalking through life
Recalibrating for service serves ourselves
Everyone needs clarity and courage
You can’t serve others by being a dream merchant
7:00 Reject indoctrination and embrace wisdom
If we’re afraid of clarity, we retreat into sleepwalking
Believe in your own ability
Pay attention to your mindset and your internal voice
If we don’t choose our beliefs and values, we lack confidence
12:00 The comfort of the status quo
With low risk comes low reward
How do we prioritize competing values and commitments?
The only way to have integrity is grapple with hard choices
Who are you right now -- good and bad?
Then you have to have the vision of where you want to go
16:00 The 12 elements of success
What are the 6 habits of success?
What holds people back?
Limiting beliefs
Ego
Dismissal
The value of a coach is holding us accountable to put principles into practice
20:00 Sustained growth is the secret to long term success
Why is kindness essential to meaningful influence?
24:00 An unethical coach exploits our fear
Responsible leaders and coaches empower others, don’t create dependence
“Dissolve the teacher” -- make it about others, not about you
Generosity of spirit is essential to ethics
Abundance mindset eliminates the stress of competition
31:00 Often we learn through counterexample and struggle
32:00 The word of the day: penumbral
The partial shadow that resides outside the full shadow
Shadowy or shady
Don’t be afraid to step out of the shadows and risk greatness
I have the responsibility to share my talents and abilities with the world
“It’s our darkness, not our light that we fear the most.”
“It’s in our weaknesses that we find our true path.”
How do we nurture our passion when the world around us stands in our way?
**What’s the difference between passion and indulgence?
How can employers increase passion?**
These and other important questions are addressed when passion guru Kira Day joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://thepassioncentre.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/kiraday/
1:00 What is the passion gap?
Too many people don’t care about their work
Confusing passion with mission sends us down the wrong path
Often we need to come from a place of darkness to appreciate light
4:30 Our pains become our passions, and tension produces balance
What is the Passion Test?
What are the internal and external drivers of passion?
Passion makes us better
9:00 The four passion buckets
What are the underlying reasons for our passions?
- Internal -- natural interests
- Social environment -- connections and safety
- Functional -- support and development
- Psychological -- autonomy, mastery, purpose
Different people can be passionate about the same thing for very different reasons
14:00 Why are we passionate about spectator sports?
Gladiatorial battle or hero’s journey?
If entertainment distracts us, does that make us less passionate?
18:00 What’s the difference between passion and indulgence?
Passion = meaning x investment
Purpose = passion shared
Overindulgence reveals imbalance
24:00 How can employers increase passion?
Care more!
Put more heart into a job by allowing people to be people… give them a reason to be loyal
You can’t buy loyalty with money but with meaning
28:00 Why do ethics produce passion?
Why is procrastination a gift?
31:00 Word of the day: Imputrescible
not liable to decomposition or putrefaction; incorruptible:
Keeping passionately alive ensures our spirit won’t putrefy and we won’t corrupt our core values
Passion is the lift inside of us which connects us to the world around us
34:00 How do we nurture our passion when the world around us stands in our way?
You -- obstacle -- passion
Believe in yourself and your purpose, then obstacles will move out of your way
39:00 With passion anything is possible
When in doubt, pretend to be you
**How do we react when others’ deeply held values offend us?
How does inclusivity strengthen an organization?**
Are you willing to accept or embrace a new reality?
These and other intriguing questions are addressed when Global inclusion expert Dr. Helen Turnbull joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
http://www.humanfacets.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-helen-turnbull/
1:30 How does inclusivity strengthen an organization?
We can be privileged and excluded at the same time
4:00 What are D, E, and I?
Diversity: who we are
Inclusion: how we are treated
Do differences divide: why can’t we just treat each other as individuals?
Companies often hire for diversity and manage for similarity, which is self-defeating
We can learn about our unconscious biases but we can’t eliminate them
Sometimes we surprise ourselves with our own prejudices
Are we making eye contact with some people and not others
10:00 Do I have the will to compensate for my unconscious biases?
Am I willing to let others help hold me accountable?
Different perspectives bring us closer to the truth
Our brains are naturally lazy and take shortcuts to the familiar and comfortable
How do you draw a cup and saucer?
The limitations of pattern recognition
15:00 Experiential teaching promotes learning and awareness
Give people time to think and discover their own epiphanies
18:00 What does it mean to be labelled?
The goal of diversity is to bring us together but the outcome often drives us apart
The need of creating a culture of respect
Leaders have responsibility to set the example that defines the environment
24:00 Make sure every person present is invited to speak without interruption
Begin to build community and trust
Are some people looking for reasons to be offended?
How do we react when others’ deeply held values offend us?
Sometimes we need to get out ego out of the way
Turn the case around: is your reaction the same?
Sometimes we can bend our rules to show respect for others
Use humor to defuse tension
36:00 Will people accept or embrace a new reality?
Inclusion takes more work than we think
What’s in it for us?
Research shows that diverse groups make better decisions
41:30 Word of the day: fulminate
To protest vehemently or explode
When we are challenged, our reflex might be to lash out explosively
Being moderate really means to moderate our behavior
Give the benefit of the doubt and presume positive intent
Expect more from ourselves and a little less from others
Do you suffer from infobesity?
How do you make billions in 60 seconds?
How do you avoid becoming a bore, a snore, and a chore?
These and other urgent topics are addressed when Tongue-fu black belt Sam Horn joins the Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://samhorn.com/
https://www.tonguefu.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/samhorn/
1:30 We want to do things worth doing
We succeed through community
Access to the successful is a shortcut to success
4:30 Ink it when you think it
If we don’t write down ideas when they enter our minds, we will lose them
Make your life your lab
You will make a difference in others’ lives
7:00 Ethics requires us to market the truth to benefit others
Be intriguing to get people on the hook
Infobesitiy vs. intrigue: a practical technique
Alliteration makes ideas memorable
Rhyme and rhythm
Crafting a message changes lives
14:00 tonality and musicality
Read out loud to self edit
Shift from undesirable to desirable
How can the study of ethics make us less ethical?
The qualities of E.T.H.I.C.S.
20:00 Our expertise is perceived by the clarity of our thoughts
How to not be a bore, snore, or chore
How to make billions in sixty seconds
The goal is to raise eyebrows
- Ask three “did you know” questions
- “Imagine this…”
- You don’t have to imagine
30:00 Words matter; every one of them
Don’t yell at a barking dog
What words can we use to get the desired behavior?
Ask for what we want
Real life examples have power
35:00 Why was the woman crying on the beach?
Arrogance vs. offerings
We have a responsibility to share the wisdom of our experience
39:00 How Tom got to Mission Control
Recognizing our abilities and accomplishments does not make us un-humble
What’s the greatest gift you can give someone else?
45:00 The word of the day: inconcinnity
lack of proportion and congruity; inelegance.
The way we phrase and frame our message determines how it is received
Showing order emerging from chaos is the way we broaden thinking
46:30 Too many people believe that happiness is selfish
Finding our gifts is the purpose of life; giving away our gifts is the meaning of life
Don’t wait until there’s no time left to do what you want to do
Is it ever right to deceive or mislead?
What happens when we become unexpectedly thrust into a radically new situation?
How do we cope with compassion fatigue?
These and other compelling questions are addressed when self-care expert Breeda Miller returns to join The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/breedamiller/
https://breedamillerspeaking.com/
**1:00 An unplanned journey
The story of "Mrs. Kelly"**
How do we cope with compassion fatigue?
We can’t help others if we don’t care for ourselves
Stories implant the lessons we need to survive and thrive
We can’t control what happens to us, only our responses
4:30 Response is the root of responsibility
The difference between reacting and responding
Looking at the bright side helps us cope with the darkness
6:30 Give yourself permission to not respond
Take a step back
Meet others where they are
Blessed are the flexible…
Balance humor against dignity -- no regrets
12:00 The rabbi who forgot his own lessons
We don’t cope well with deviations from the norm
Take responsibility for your responses
14:30 The ticket to heaven
Is it ever right to deceive or mislead?
A little creativity goes a long way
21:00 We can’t break out of the box if we think in binary terms
“Disbelieve everything I say; I’m telling the truth.”
“Did that really happen?”
Don’t let the truth get in the way of a good story -- what does that mean?
26:00 Our perception is the reality of our truth
If our intent is not to deceive, we let the story tell itself
The unreliability of memory
We have to hold ourselves accountable
33:00 Second to nun?
Mark Twain: If you tell the truth, you can have a terrible memory
34:30 The word of the day: perfectionism
Perfection is not achievable, so being a perfectionist is setting ourselves up for failure
Striving toward an unreachable goal may enable us to achieve our potential
What happens when authenticity becomes a cliche?
Is it authentic to acknowledge being awful?
Are we being authentic when we aspire to be more than we are?
These and other stimulating questions are addressed when Jeff Koziatek, the Mindset Catalyst, joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.coreauthenticity.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeffkoziatek/
1:30 Do what you love.
Society sends a message that your value comes from what you do
Learn how to say no.
Everyone is asking the same two questions:
What is my worth, and where does it come from?
If it comes from something external, it’s not really ours.
People need tools for communication, confidence, and mindset development
We can be authentic behind a mask
But how much better to develop core authenticity that allows us to drop the mask
The difference between hiding and filter
10:00 “You are so different from how you seemed”
Go from living two lives to living one life
Is it possible to lie authentically?
What happens when authenticity becomes a cliche?
Is it authentic to acknowledge being awful?
Are we being authentic when we aspire to be more than we are?
17:00 Degrees of authenticity
When our value is tied to something external, we rationalize compromising our ethics
Trauma may force us to choose between discovering our true value and spiraling into despair
Value doesn’t change but perception does
Can poor self-esteem be common sense?
25:00 If my actions earn me a 5 how do I get to 10?
Binary thinking sets us up for failure in our own eyes
Growth model enables us to compartmentalize who we are from what we do
Visualize going up in a glass elevator
What happens when our essence is out of sync with how we behave
31:00 Core elements: Worth, values, identity, and purpose
The juggler and the king
Pleasure seeking and self indulgence leave us nothing of true value with no purpose
What are we juggling?
When we have our priorities in order, ethics naturally fall into place
Recognizing the limits of our circumstances is part of being ethical
39:00 How do we identify our true values?
Why are values like trees?
Can we see the forest of true values?
41:00 The word of the day: Chatoyancy
When a tree grows under stress it causes the grain to curl back on itself, producing waves within the wood. The smoother the wood gets, the more the chatoyancy will show up.
Pressure and polishing transform us into beautiful creations
We are all 10 on the inside
If I could get an hour of your time back, what would you do with it?
What is your brain chemistry telling you about how to live a more productive and fulfilling life?
Have we fallen into the fallacy of “down time”?
These and other fascinating questions are addressed when digital wellness guru Giancarlo Pitocco returns to join The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.purposeful.nyc/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/gcpofnyc/
1:00 Fred Rogers’s wisdom
You can love anyone if you understand where they are coming from
If we would take time to learn about people, we would feel affinity
The power of human engagement
5:00 Special effects and action give us a dopamine fix with little substance
We crave rapid-fire images and don’t have patience for genuine connection
“The only thing missing from any situation is what you’re not giving.”
~Marianne Williamson
8:00 Our phones help us avoid anything we don’t want to deal with
Five core insights to achieve digital wellness:
Attention
Values
Boundaries
Leisure time
Solitude
12:00 Larry Hagman’s Sunday word fast
The benefits of a technology sabbath
Create structure in our overloaded lives
Create purpose-filled compartments to promote productivity
Brain chemistry dictates when is our prime time
Limiting use of technology
Taking responsibility for ourselves at work and home
18:00 Are we using our time wisely?
Bennet principle: the activities that require more energy leave us more energized
The fallacy of “down time” to regenerate
Physical activities have more psychological payoffs than digital ones
The engagement of mind and creativity rather than disengaging through technology
23:30 What’s the difference between work and recreation?
Jogging, working out -- we do these because we understand they’re good for us, and we end up feeling better
Why, Intention, and Will
We start with purpose, then commit, then follow through
Intention is your soul
Will is the connection between your soul and your physical body
31:00 Technology is designed to be addictive
SM platforms harvest our time and attention
FB have evidence that IG is toxic
36:00 How can parents help children develop healthy digital habits?
Enroll them in the process
Audit how you spend your time
40:00 No-nagging contract
What do we want to do? What do we need to do?
Break up your day and create a schedule
Real wisdom comes from knowing why you do what you do
The paradox of Ben Franklin
It feels good to exercise boundaries
Promote safety, trust, self-respect, courage, and love
47:00 The word of the day: enervate
To be drained of energy
We need to ignite ourselves into purposeful and meaningful action to energize ourselves
Boredom is the clash between ambition and laziness
52:00 As a family, pay attention to how you’re spending your time
“How do we feel about that?”
If I could get an hour of time back, what would you do with it?
Is it possible that we share responsibility for how others treat us?
What signals are we sending out that promote or allow them to treat us badly?
**Can individuals with foundationally different values connect civilly and cordially?
These and other profoundly relevant questions are addressed when speaker and podcast host Scott Mason joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.**
https://www.linkedin.com/in/smason1/
https://www.purposehighway.com/
1:00 People are responding to alienation by seeking meaning and purpose
Progress and purpose -- the source of happiness
You cannot pursue happiness
3:00 Make connections to build communities
Love emerges through giving and committing ourselves to a common purpose
A flame gives without giving anything up
We should influence one another in a way that we improve one another
8:00 It’s a moral imperative to contribute light to the world
A lack of clarity or belief holds us back
Recognize your gifts so you can give
10:30 A leap into the unknown changed everything
A ride in the dark and the rain produced a service mindset
A new perspective brings new opportunities
Do we listen when we hear “the voice”?
The profound power of humility and opening ourselves to new possibilities
16:30 Be Theseus -- meet the challenges that will make you a hero
Get out of the comfort box
Build a circle of laughter and joy
Why is a safe place a place of terror?
21:00 Fight fear with fear
The power of shame
Recover balance to make the right decision by looking down all roads
23:00 Viewing the world as hostile makes us hostile
Embrace the challenges that are beyond our control and respond with what we can do with them
Radical accountability turns us into positive extremists
What signals are we sending out that promotes or allows them to treat us badly?
Is it possible that we share responsibility for how others treat us?
32:00 Irreconcilable differences?
Can individuals with foundationally different values connect civilly and cordially?
Absolute truth is truth, regardless of whether we like it or understand it
Living in a world where we don’t all agree on truth, we have to recognize the sincerity and good intentions of those with whom we disagree
37:00 Belief in our own soul is transformative
The nature of the universe transcends our ability to comprehend
Respect facts, logic, and reason
Seek commonality of belief and humanity before focusing on differences
Don’t be afraid of uncomfortable conversations
If you personalize every belief, you will find it impossible to coexist with others who have different beliefs
We need to disagree honestly in order to grow and be willing to revisit our beliefs
45:00 Befriending “adversaries” may bring us condemnation from our “allies”
Every human being is deserving of basic respect
Most of us are doing good things despite our shortcomings or errors
Principled compromise is not compromising our values
49:00 We have to be able to connect and to lead
Leadership is impossible without self confidence in who we are and what we believe
55:00 Word of the day: gorgonize
When we look for the ugliness in others, we petrify our own hearts
Why are we reluctant to "walk across the cafeteria" to start a conversation?
What is the soundtrack to your life?
Why don't books and history tell the whole story, and where should we turn to get it?
These and other critical questions for building a harmonious world are addressed when award-winning musician and race reconciliator Daryl Davis joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.daryldavis.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/daryl-davis-5226b24/
1:00 Music is a bridge
The benefit of a global perspective
Legal desegregation took years to take effect
Attacked for being a Cub Scout?
Learning about racism at age 10
How can you hate me if you don’t know me?
7:30 Responding to injustice and hate with genuine curiosity
Breadth of experience provides perspective to moderate our responses
10:00 Books and histories did not explain hate
Meeting the head of the American Nazi Party as a high school student
The coming race war?
“Joining” the Nazi rally before the White House
The “rationalism” of white supremacy
18:00 What happens when whites become the minority in the U.S.?
What does the fear of that do to people?
Charleston, PIttsburgh, El Paso
22:30 A chance encounter with the KKK
Here was the answer to the question
28:00 We have to know who we are
Exposure to different cultures and ideologies make us broader
The five values all humans want:
Love, respect, to be heard, to be treated fairly, we want those values for our families
A missed opportunity for dialogue is a missed opportunity for conflict resolution
33:00 Meeting the Imperial Wizard of the KKK
The “noise”
We all feel fear of the unknown, we are all relieved when that fear is removed
We hate what we don’t understand because it frightens us
Awareness of our collective ignorance can bring us together
Education cures ignorance, which cures fear, which cures violence
48:00 What can we all do to transcend and eliminate hate?
Spend time listening to people to learn who they are
Debate doesn’t bring people together; getting to know one another as human beings does
53:45 Music contains the key
Harmony allows our differences to become a source of strength and unity
57:00 The word of the day: liminal
of, relating to, or situated at a sensory threshold : barely perceptible or capable of eliciting a response
What if life had background music?
Any moment can offer the opportunity to change our lives and our world
Why is self-care a moral and ethical imperative?
What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?
What can we do to restore our collective faith in one another?
These and other critical questions are addressed when self-care expert Breeda Miller joins the Rabbi and the Shrink
https://breedamillerspeaking.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/breedamiller/
1:00 Is self-care an ethical issue?
Take a break before you break
Only by taking care of ourselves can we take care of and be of service to others
You can only love others in proportion to how we love ourselves
4:00 “What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail?”
There may be dreams we didn’t pursue that we still have time to realize
Can you tell your own story in a way that inspires others?
10:30 Stories provide the context that make information relevant
Simple stories often have the most profound impact and meaning
This generation is having a crisis of faith in one another, in ourselves, and in our future
What can we do to restore our collective faith?
We have to listen to what’s really important, to the story within the story
Taking care of ourselves helps us see through the fog
15:30 The problem with being outcome oriented is that we end up feeling frustrated unless we get the outcome we want and until we get the outcome
The journey really is the destination
Be kind with the truth
20:30 We have to practice what we preach
Don’t feel guilty acknowledging our own limitations
“I can do a year’s work in 9 months but not in 12 months”
Rest and recreation are not a break from work, they are part of the work
Self-care is a moral and ethical imperative
25:00 Mediation feels like a waste of time but it is essential maintenance
We need to take care of ourselves to ensure the quality of others’ experience with us
28:30 If you were given a gift of 4 hours, what would you do?
Take a walk, call a friend, read a book, go for a run, get a massage -- then find a way to do it
Short term goals for self care will help us reach our long term goals
Make a list of 2-minute, 5-minute, 10-minute activities so you’ll be ready to take advantage of opportunities when they arise
34:30 Word of the day: symbiosis
We want to be interdependent without being codependent
It’s not good for us to be alone, even though sometimes we need to be alone
The balance between nurturing ourselves and nurturing others creates a tension that we have to continuously manage
38:00 The Doctors formula for self-care: SCHEMTT
Sleep -- the right amount in the right conditions
Compassion -- for ourselves and others
Humor -- the kind that is kind
Exercise -- simple movement
Meaning -- a sense of purpose contextualizes everything else in our lives
Touch -- physically and emotionally
Take a break when you need one
Can you ever exploit the truth to be untruthful?
Why is authenticity always in your own self-interest?
How can we trust ourselves living in a deceptive world?
These and other fascinating questions are addressed when video virtuoso Peter Kelly joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
http://www.peterkellymedia.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/peterwkelly/
1:30 Everything you’ve seen slanted by the bias of its source
You can be 100% accurate in your facts but also not truthful
The Giver -- the movie was designed to transcend politics
Context is critical to perception, irrespective of facts
What am I trying to accomplish? The answer will guide us in our decision making
6:00 The world is not binary black and white, and ethics requires us to grapple with the gray
Authenticity requires us to represent both sides
Technology makes it easy to misrepresent without outright lying
9:00 Video allows us to fashion our virtual environment
What happens when we change our persona when we’re on camera?
Authenticity is self-serving
Virtual backgrounds?
13:00 Movies use illusion and deception to create an image of reality
The whole story is often overly detailed -- can we preserve the truth by editing the truth?
Expectations may require us to be fake to avoid the appearance of being fake
17:30 How will deep fake technology erode our confidence and trust in what we see?
22:30 Is the perception of polarization making us more polarized?
Don’t we have a responsibility to question sources, especially when they confirm our preconceptions?
What happens when the media don’t recognize their own responsibility to tell the truth?
It’s okay to say “I don’t know”
28:00 What can we do to check our own biases?
Media literacy: Awareness of camera angle reveals bias
32:00 When is it ethical to use tricks to promote our image or agenda?
If it feels inauthentic, it probably is
Make sure soundbites accurately represent the whole story
Overstating your case discredits your own cause
35:00 If I have to misrepresent my case or the opposing case, what does that say about my confidence in my own cause
Present the other side in the strongest way, then refute with an even stronger argument
How can we meet a public health crisis like COVID if we don’t debate them honestly?
All extremism comes from insecurity
41:00 We become emotionally invested in our preconceptions, even when we see them disproven
Listen to the other side before responding or attacking
The epidemic of ultracrepidarianism
Integrity of titles, sources, and statistics
53:00 The word of the day: Verisimilitude
the appearance or semblance of truth; likelihood; probability
It’s not enough to “tell the truth” if we present it in a way that isn’t truthful
Do we have honest, collective commitment to the truth, or are we exploiting biases to serve ourselves or our agendas?
One of the best ways to preserve mental health is talking to people you disagree with
57:00 Have faith in yourself to pursue the truth
Have objective contacts who will be honest with you and use them to check yourself and your integrity
#30 MIchael Patrick Mulroy - A Mission to Promote Virtue Ethics
What are the core values that drive collaboration and success?
How do we confront ideologies that rationalize violence and tribalism?
What is the ultimate formula for promoting accountability?
These and other foundational questions are addressed in this fascinating discussion when former U.S. marine, Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense for the Middle East, and retired CIA Paramilitary Operations Officer Michael Patrick Mulroy joins the Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/michael-patrick-mulroy-31198b52/
https://www.loboinstitute.org/
Show notes
2:00 Inspired to serve by 9/11
Identifying the root causes of conflict
4:30 Lack of economic opportunity
The crisis of child soldiers
7:30 Toxic ideology makes it possible to rationalize evil and not easily defeated
Children are compliant and easily indoctrinated
Increasing tribalism pits us against each other
10:30 The ethics of stoicism
Wisdom, courage, moderation, and justice
What’s good for your soul is worth more than anything else
Stoicism as a guide to virtue ethics
13:00 Be accountable to yourself
A legal system is only as effective as the people’s commitment to uphold the law
We lack clarity of what our core values are
19:00 The increasing legitimacy of vigilantism
Teach ethics and virtue through models of self-sacrifice
The true benefits of diversity
23:00 Understanding human nature prepares us for an ethical life
Managing the conflict between opposing elements of our nature
How do we conquer our inclination to do evil?
When we struggle against evil, we become stronger in our commitment to be good
Life is made up of tiny moments that add up
30:00 Where do we start?
Stoicism means to take life as it comes
Study the story of Zeno
Read Meditations by Marcus Arelius
The Jewish leader Rabbi Judah and Marcus Arelius
37:00 Establish stoicism as a guiding philosophy in the military
Support grassroots movements to confront child soldiers
Demand accountability from elected officials
41:30 The word of the day: Panglossian
Superficial, Pollyanna view of the world
However, if we accept that reality is what it is, then we can focus on changing ourselves, which is the most effective way to change the world
45:00 We can be one step away from amazing
#29 Cristina DiGiacomo -- how practical philosophy prevents persistent problems
Do you often wonder why people aren’t listening to you?
Can philosophy provide practical solutions to modern problems?
Why are we challenged to bring together abstract concepts with down-to-earth issues?
These and other persistent questions are answered when practical philosopher and moral alchemist Cristina DiGiacomo joins the Rabbi and the Shrink
http://www.moralchemy.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/cristinadigiacomo/
1:00 How can philosophy provide practical solutions to modern problems?
Why are we challenged to bring together abstract concepts with down-to-earth issues?
We are philosophers if we pursue authentic wisdoms
7:30 The handshake and the golden rule are examples of accessible philosophy
Philosophy is the love of wisdom and the way we look at life
Asking questions makes us philosophers
Philosophy is a matter of outlook and perspective
Our attitudes shape our perceptions
12:00 What are the benefits of asking questions?
You stop multitasking
Triggers serotonin
Questions lead to intentions which lead to outcomes
If we aren’t open to new insights, we can’t be ethical
17:00 When we know that we don’t know, we open ourselves up to possibilities
Too many people don’t recognize the relevance of ethics in their lives
19:30 When we face problems, ask where did we go wrong?
It’s easier to blame individuals that to question the system
The benefit of 12-step recovery programs
Mistakes help us become stronger and do better
24:30 Why aren’t people listening to me?
Are we connecting perception with reality?
What do the classical philosophers say to address our problems?
28:00 Asking questions preempts conflict and promotes self-reflection
Openness drives progress
The danger and opportunity of “yeah, but.”
32:00 The word of the day: epistemology
How we know what we know
If arrive at the correct facts through faulty reasoning we may be setting ourselves up for future errors
We may need data now, but reason prepares us for the future
36:00 “The sage acts without pressure from within or without.”
The Hebrew word aliza can mean to relieve pressure or to apply pressure
Different situations call for different strategies to move us forward
What is one question you can ask yourself about your philosophy?
When we live from fear rather than from curiosity, we are setting ourselves up for failure.
What is the difference between ethics and morals?
How can we build an ethical society when we don't agree on moral principles?
How can we trust our own opinions when we can't trust our sources of information?
These and many other profound and urgent questions are addressed when the rabbi, Yonason Goldson, changes chairs from host to guest on the Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.yonasongoldson.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/yonason-goldson/
https://www.yonasongoldson.com/ethics-ted-talk
1:30 Are compassion and intellect split, or can they be reconciled?
The difference between compassion and kindness
4:00 Is giving an impulse or a choice?
We unlearn our natural wiring to be kind and compassionate
6:30 What are ethics? Are they different from morals?
Where does wisdom come from?
How do we build an ethical society when we don’t agree on moral axioms?
11:00 Why are universal ethical principles so elusive?
Why did Albert Einstein regret publicizing the theory of relativity?
What’s the difference between facts, truth, and reality?
17:00 How do we apply ethics to COVID vaccinations?
We can arrive at different conclusions through intellectual integrity.
Is unethical behavior a kind of virus?
23:00 Can oversensitivity cause us to become increasingly oversensitive?
26:00 How do our beliefs and proclivities influence our perception of truth?
How do we make allowances for our own unconscious biases?
How my willingness to challenge my own stereotypes changed the course of my life.
30:00 Why constructive disagreement is the way of wisdom and unanimity is dangerous?
32:00 Why is the best lie closest to the truth?
How do we have confidence in our own opinions when we can’t trust our sources of information?
When we try to score points by compromising truth, we end up harming our own cause?
38:00 How does ego promote confirmation bias?
Why do people complain about being disillusioned?
Embrace the tension between urgency and equanimity
Greed, speed, laziness, and haziness are the source of most of our problems.
42:00 The word of the day: anucleate: lacking a cell nucleus
We need a sense of self and center, but just as ego leads us into much folly, humility allows us to be flexible to adapt, like red blood cells fitting into capillaries because they lack a nucleus
46:00 Sometimes we just need to be a good member of the audience.
We get so caught up in ourselves that we forget to do the obvious.
What's the single most effective way to avoid ethical pitfalls?
Why are so many people afraid to talk about ethics?
Has the world gotten less ethical?
These and other critical questions for success are answered when ethics auditor Amanda "Jo" Erven joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/amanda-jo-erven-ace/
http://www.auditconsultingeducation.com/
http://www.totalqualityauditing.com/
http://www.cpebookclub.com/
#27 Amanda “Jo” Erven
1:30 Changing one person’s mind contributes to a better world
It’s hard to sell ethics because people don’t have a definition and are scared by the word
Have an ethics icebreaker
Ethics may not be simple, but don't have to be complicated
6:00 Three ethical character types
The Big Me
The Ethical Rationalizer
The Everyday Ethicist
People who call themselves ethicists tend to be less ethical
10:00 Unethical behavior encourages others to behave unethically
Create your own ethical value statement or mantra
We can’t change our circumstances except by changing ourselves
14:30 Be ethically pro-active which is pro-self
Too many people don’t know their own values
16:00 Where do we start to put ethics into action?
We don’t have to be experts
Sometimes we’re scared to do what’s right
18:00 Individual, leadership, and organizational ethics
The seven deadly ethical sins
“Move fast and break things” mentality
Disingenuous leaders -- always speak the truth, even if your voice shakes
20:30 Have things really gotten worse?
We are definitely more self-absorbed today
We don’t feel shame, but we rush to shame others
The contradiction of AirBNB
24:15 Beware of conflicts of your own interest
Ethics is threatened by fear and entitlement
The ethics of COVID
Dan Ariely’s research: thinking of the 10 commandments makes us more honest
28:30 Find your trusted advisor
Facing and embrace your adversity
Teaching surly students in Budapest, Hungary
When we have to defend our behavior, we think more about our choices
33:00 Doing the right thing feels really good
Ethical discipline protects others and ourselves
38:00 The word of the day: miscreate -- to produce in a way that is defective
Good intentions without disciplined execution can have disastrous results
40:00 Everyone deserves a better-than-good life
How do we do a better job handling it when we get flustered and defensive?
**How do we give and receive criticism in a way the builds trust and encourages improvement?
What is the alternative to flight or fight that promotes cooperation and collaboration?**
These and other critical question for success in business and in life are answered when customer service maven Marilyn Suttle joins the Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/marilynsuttle/
https://marilynsuttle.com/
0:50 Wellbeing and security are critical to a healthy work environment for workers and customers
Ethics creates a culture of trust, solid relationships, and loyalty
Raising trust increases expectations, which is a good thing
Develop the skill set to deal with difficult and unexpected situations
Different values and styles need to be accommodated
6:00 Learned behavior is not easily unlearned
How do we handle it better when we get flustered and defensive?
We’re 100% responsible for 50% of every relationship
We make assumptions about the facts, which may or may not be true
We make up stories that create feelings by exploiting our unmet expectations
What outcome do we really want?
Clear communication often defuses conflict before it happens.
13:00 When we get into fight or flight, our biology hijacks our thinking and decision making
The other option is a challenge response, which can focus and motivate us
Being honest make us vulnerable, which is frightening but creates the potential for closeness
17:30 It’s all in the palm of your hand:
First impressions -- eliminate the potential for annoyance
Last impression
Manage high emotion moments
Marry yourself to your team and your customers
Measure and gauge -- feedback
21:15 Value their time and ask only for meaningful feedback and use it
How do you respond to criticism
Redirect attention toward the good to promote reframing
Take responsibility and show appreciation
27:00 Empower employees to address customer issues
Have someone to call to help you regain clarity
31:00 Different perspectives generate an ethical view
32:00 The word of the day: pithy
We don’t want to reduce all ideas to soundbites, but we do want to be concise so our ideas have impact
34:00 Happiness is a profound concept that come from being part of something important
36:00 Tailor your customer care according to the needs of each customer
37:00 Blaming, complaining, and making excuses are responses that will not lead to improvement
The difference between responding and reacting
Get comfortable with silence or pausing
Counting to 10 reboots your brain
Resist the pressure to fill empty space without thinking first
The benefit of one, two, and three second pauses
The pauses are the most essential part of the class
It takes stress to alleviate stress
46:00 The core of ethics is growing
If we aren’t experiencing growing pains, we aren’t really living.
How does sustainability apply to us as individuals as well as the world?
How do we find it in ourselves to forgive ourselves and forgive others?
How do quirks and idiosyncrasies forge us into more compete and healthy people?
These and many other secrets for self-development are answered when the Ikigai Guy David E. Marlow joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/davidemarlow/
https://www.linkedin.com/company/vluru/
1:00 What is Ikigai = Japanese for life + purpose
Living out the essence of you in everything you do
3:30 What is a leader? Someone who enables and empower others to fulfill their potential in a way that betters the world
Happiness emerges from a sense of working toward the fulfillment of purpose
5:00 How do you find your ikigai
Reflect on moments when you felt fulfilled
Visit your values, verbs, and verses
7:00 The five pillars include:
Choose to be grateful; we control our attitudes
Making a conscious choice to live in the moment
Forgive the past and yourself
10:00 Monotask: start somewhere small and work outward
Multitasking doesn’t work
Embrace the gift of small beginnings
Being busy as an excuse for not being productive
18:00 How do we forgive people who cause us pain and don’t ask for forgiveness?
First forgive yourself
Forgive without recovering trust
The harm we do ourselves by not forgiving
23:00 Without human integrity we disintegrate
Harmony and sustainability in how we live completes us so we can live healthy lives
By integrating our values into our mindset and behavior we become people of integrity
26:00 What are the five pillars?
Being present in the moment
Starting small
Joy of little things (gratitude)
Harmony and sustainability
Releasing yourself through forgiveness and reflection
We strive to uncover our essence
30:00 Shalom = harmony = all the pieces are in place and fuse into integration
The seven levels of spiritual maturity and completion
The conductor is the most important player in the orchestra
34:00 Blend your idiosyncrasies with your talents to become your best unique self
You don’t have to change yourself; you have to uncover who you truly are
38:00 Word of the Day: diapason
Originally, the organ stop that releases steam to produce sound
Now a burst of force that produces music
Our ideal is to release our inner music
40:00 When we seek treasure, what will we do if we find it?
43:00 Post-interview conversation
How does pleasure distract us from our own unhappiness?
How is social media designed to control our minds and behaviors?
What is the formula for good digital health and well-being?
Learn the answers to these and many other essential question when digital wellbeing expert Giancarlo Pitocco joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/gcpofnyc/
purposeful.co
1:00 We need to reclaim control of our lives from technology
Shift your attention from being hijacked by our devices
FB has been exploited and misused by unethical players to manipulate and serve their own agendas
Do you know how much time you’re spending in front of a screen?
4:30 We don’t know what happiness is.
Pleasure often distracts us from our own unhappiness.
If you’re not dependent on external factors for happiness, you’re in control of your life and live more fully
7:00 Is it good to be easily amused?
Being delighted by simple pleasures makes the experience of living richer.
Social media is designed to keep us consuming, almost but never quite satisfied.
11:00 Are you making your future self proud by what you’re doing now?
What happens when our lives become all about comfort, convenience, and stimulation?
The purpose of the game is to play the game; the purpose is the process
We’re living in the Roman Empire
14:00 What are you doing with your life if you don’t have aspirations and values?
Pushing the boundaries of comfort and familiarity keeps us growing and truly alive
“The obstacle is the way”
We can be navigators of our lives, or we can be carried on the current.
Prioritization give us control
**19:00 The five stages of digital well being
-
Attention -- you want to be the DJ of your life by placing the needle where it should be**
-
Values -- Evaluate how new technology affects your relationships, your work, and your attitudes
-
we can’t eliminate technology from our lives, but we can choose how to allow it in.
- Google “dark patterns” to learn the dangers
- Social media is designed to make you addicted; they are selling your time and attention, turning you from a consumer into a commodity.
- “The Attention Merchants” by Tim Wu
**35:00
-
Boundaries -- without priorities, you never get to the important stuff**
-
Don’t plug in your phone next to your bed
- Buy an alarm clock
**37:30
-
High quality leisure time**
-
Unwind doing something projective and creative
- Spend time with people
**39:00
- Solitude -- learn to be with yourself**
The fundamental value of self-discipline.
Easy and fun entertainment seduces us from doing what we know is in our best interest.
No one changes behavior without incentive. That’s why a clear WHY is critical to our digital health.
44:45 The word of the day: dissilient -- bursting open or springing apart (Yiddish: plotz)
We should be living with so much enthusiasm welling up inside us that we don’t seek or respond to external distraction.
47:00 Education can be merely a form of entertainment if it doesn’t lead to action.
Go into your phone and look at screen time or digital wellbeing and see how much time you’re spending on your device.
49:00 How would your life and relationships be healthier if you spent less time on technology?
What will you do or have you done to make a positive change in your life?
23 Rosemary Ravinal – show up as the real you
Is there a difference between filtering and misrepresenting?
Is it dishonest to use a virtual background?
What message do I send if I show up on Zoom in my pajamas?
These and other urgently relevant questions will be answered when Zoom mastery expert Rosemary Ravinal joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/rosemaryravinal/
https://rosemaryravinal.com/
01:21
Authenticity can make or break our careers, our reputations, and you know how difficult it is to fix them once they are broken. So the stakes are very high.
02:09
When COVID began, we felt it was temporary and didn’t make much effort:
kids running around … somebody's lawn mowing the lawn… I'm in my sweats… I haven't even combed my hair.
A year later, we're still doing it, and now we’re going into in person meetings again.
03:41
It's like creating a set. But the authenticity part is that that you create, that really reflects who you are, as a person with like your company's values
06:51
Am I being somewhat hypocritical if I set standards or I espouse standards that I'm not, I haven't reached yet? Or if I filter elements of myself, because I don't feel that they're attractive? Is that inauthentic?
07:42
How would you show up to a physical meeting? Would you show up with running shorts? You would be respectful to the people with whom you're meeting by being appropriate to the occasion.
11:04
It's so easy to lie when you don't look at the person in the eye. An example would be, you know, I hear from friends who are using online dating apps. And I might hear from a gentleman who would say, you know, women just don't put their real photos on there. Not only do they lie about their ages, but they don't use current photos.
14:15
If you're going to show up in a video meeting, you need to have your camera on and have an executive presence on virtual calls. Otherwise, it shows a lack of respect for the other people that you're not showing up as you really are.
18:27
Anything we can do to make ourselves more committed to reaching a higher ideal, I think is really the essence of authenticity.
22:34
You want to have a sense of personality, warmth. So for example, I encourage people to have some hints and cues about their passion. If you're a baseball fan, if you love to play guitar; you might have some movie posters behind you.
25:46
It goes to trust, right? Because if you are consistent, every time it builds trust.
32:34
I'm talking about the authenticity of the that we present. I think that there's a challenge we have today we see it in the media, we see it really all over the place. The relationship between the message and the messenger.
35:35
Check your facts, research, because we often say things that someone said, so let's say the rabbi and I make up a false fact. And then you repeat it, and then they repeat it. And pretty soon, we take it as truth.
36:17
Respecting people is not that doesn't mean that we have to agree with everybody. We can be forceful at times, in expressing our thoughts and our points of view, and still have it done with civility with respect and with an openness to hear the other side.
37:10
The word of the day is stultify, which means to cause a loss of enthusiasm, often, through ridicule, or causing embarrassment.
Studies have shown that people believe that sarcastic people are more intelligent, really, and that's a really troublesome fact to me, because it encourages us to be sarcastic. I'm using a rhetorical device to discredit the speaker to discredit the idea without actually engaging.
40:06
I urge everyone to think about how are you presenting yourself in the images, the sounds, the words, the facts.
What does leadership really look like?
How do you decide what to share, with your team and with the outside world?
And when you're a leader, how do you balance the ever-changing demands that get put on you?
Kimi Hirotsu Ziemski helps us sort of how to be a real leader and not just the person in charge! **https://www.linkedin.com/in/kimihirotsuziemski/
http://ksppartnership.com/
http://www.pmidsig.org/
https://consciousleadershippm.com/**
1:05
Boundary management is a communications management term. And what it means is there are some things that you share with your team, and only your team. And there are some things that you share with the greater stakeholder community. The question becomes, if you are not fully transparent if you are making choices about what you share, and when you share it, is boundary management, actually ethical or is it by some people's lights, fibbing, lying, committing the falsehood?
7:00
The seven key success parameters are actually a framework that is sort of like the most beautiful Mandela of things that are interwoven. But for explanation purposes, we generally take them apart. But they always start out with clear definition.
22:00
We've been trying to get this client for years, decades. We got the request for proposal. I went through it, I took it to my engineers, my engineers got incredible heartburn. And I went to my boss, and I said, Diana, how much trouble Am I going to be in if I go to this client and respectfully declined to bid on the business? It's not bleeding edge, it's hemorrhaging edge. And they don't believe that they can make it work to a level of reliability and quality, that they're willing to put their names and our company name on.
What makes a successful relationship?
Is marriage really the happily ever after part or do they still require work?
What is reasonable to expect versus what do you need to accept?
Find the answers to these questions and more as we talk to Claire Vande Polder, the author of Making Marriage Happy: Hard-Won Wisdom from Real Couples
Grab your copy here:
Making Marriage Happy: Hard-Won Wisdom from Real Couples
Connect with Claire onLinkedinInstagram
2:45
What I came up with is a book that is basically, what happy couples do as told in their own words. It's the only book, I know of where all the expert advice comes from people who are only experts in their own relationship and what they do that makes them happy.
7:00
When I was a younger person I looked at people who had been married for a while and I thought, okay they're just they're like on autopilot right?
29:00
it took a lot of time before they understood that's not who my husband is, this thing that I really wish my wife was doing? That's really not who she is so, can I just lay off of that and let her be more who she is, and then take more of a look at what am I doing? How could I change myself? Could I change the way that I think about something because I have more control over that and just learn to love?
Does thought influence language of does language influence thought?
Is it worth the risk to offer constructive criticism?
Can you set high standards and remain respectful when others fall short?
Discover the answer to these and other highly relevant questions as Grammar Goddess Susan Rooks joins The Rabbi and the Shrink
https://grammargoddess.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/susanrooks-the-grammar-goddess/
https://twitter.com/Grammar_Goddess
2:00 The importance of preserving the integrity of language
We are what we say and what we think
Language is only as perfect as how we use it
Objective vs. subjective perception
8:00 Words are free, but it’s how you use them that costs
We get defensive when we don’t like what we hear
“You can do [even] better”
11:00 It’s risky to offer correction or disagree
Start with a smile
You can have high standards and still be pleasant
Smile at strangers
16:30 What’s the effect of grammar mistakes?
The power of positive speaking
Technology can bring us closer together
Accept people for where they are coming from
Look for the nobility in others
25:00 We’ve become more abrupt
We have a responsibility to choose our words carefully
30:00 Be curious
When you hear an accent, adjust expectations
“You’ll see the robot in the street”
33:00 Onomatopoeia -- a word that sounds like what it is
In Hebrew the same word means “word” and “thing”
Respecting the meaning of words is respecting reality
36:00 How do we further meaningful discussions that increase understanding
Listen to learn, not to respond
Everybody knows something you don’t
The sages teach: Who is wise? One who learns from every person
39:00 How do you keep words fresh
Strike a balance between tradition and progression
Why can’t our language be poetic and elegant while preserving the integrity of words?
43:30 Should some of us impose usage on others?
Orwell’s vision of thought control through speech control
Choose to speak respectfully
Is it iconoclastic or wicked to question the value of diversity?
Why do we struggle to value innate talents over superficial appearance or identity?
Have well-intentioned but misguided policies contributed to contemporary problems?
These and other compelling questions will be addressed in rough and tumble conversation when Rabbi Daniel Lapin joins the Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/rabbi-daniel-lapin/
https://rabbidaniellapin.com/
2:00 The synergy between theology and psychology
Is diversity a moral imperative?
Is it iconoclastic or wicked to question the value of diversity?
Diversity of opinion and outlook is critical and more significant than mere identity
Does a cohesive community gain or suffer from diverse values?
10:00 Should we rather address systemic otherism?
How do we deal with the tension between finding common values and encouraging different perspectives?
Why do we struggle to value innate talents over superficial appearance or identity?
17:00 Diversity in testimony in court to protect against unconscious bias
In team activity, brothers’ innate knowledge of one another is an advantage
The way others label us provides us with insights about the “other”
23:00 How do we celebrate diversity independent of skin color
Is cultural appropriation an expression of tribalism?
The culture of language
Some things are not fair… that’s the way of the world
Kindness is the antidote to resentment
We have to accept the unpleasant realities of the past and try to move forward
Have well-intentioned but misguided policies contributed to contemporary problems?
Traditional values help us move forward in prosperity and well-being
34:00 Nelson Mandela taught reconciliation rather than retribution
Don’t fixate on fairness; make the most of what you have
Jonathan Haidt: emphasizing differences increases divisions
A the blood level, we are all the same
38:00 Change the world by changing yourself
Private enterprise provides the greatest opportunity to benefit society
“You are your own worst enemy.” Face that and build yourself up.
Better the world by becoming one of the poor?
All we have control over is ourselves.
It’s so much easier to try to fix other people
48: Word of the day: Irrefragable -- not able to be refuted or disproved; indisputable
Unanimity is a clue that we’ve missed something important
Shalom translates best as “harmony” -- different pieces playing different parts fused together
Diversity in the context of unity
The sons of Jacob were very different, and their differences became a source of strength
Does lying ever serve a higher truth?
Why is it better to be a journeyist than a journalist?
Is marketing ever more than manipulation?
Learn the answer to these and other fascinating topics as the Rabbi and the Shrink discuss the interplay between fact and fiction with business presentation coach and storysailor Dave Bricker.
https://storysailing.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/davidbricker/
1:30 Do the stories we tell have to be 100% true?
Our job as storytellers is to transport the audience
Be a journeyist, not a journalist:
Your story is a metaphor to inspire and teach
The story vs. the meta-story
“Disbelieve everything I say; I am telling the truth.”
How much creative license are we allowed?
Life doesn’t unfold in a neat order
Blend details for narrative effect
Miracle -- a true story that embellishes facts
9:00 When is the truth not good enough?
Drama vs. documentary
Don’t we all have different versions of the truth, anyway?
You can end up being accurate but not interesting
14:00 At what point am I fabricating?
Should we be teaching children about Santa Claus?
The unpleasant history of our most enduring children’s story
19:00 The Hebrew words for truth and falsehood contain deeper meanings
“Distance yourself from a false word or thing”
When is it truthful to lie?
There’s more to truth than facts…
But now we can rationalize anything
How Aaron the High Priest brought people closer together
22:30 What’s the difference between a salesperson and a con artist?
One delivers on his or her promises
The difference between fooling people and delighting them
The psychology of marketing: service or manipulation?
Don’t I have a duty to convince others of the value I can provide them?
Does it matter what you bait the hook with?
28:00 Political and religious evangelism
Pushing vs. pulling in sales
If we don’t believe in ourselves or in those we serve, we resort to unethical tactics
33:00 Sometimes intention makes all the difference, sometimes no difference
That’s the grayness of ethics with which we have to grapple
Fictionalizing the truth?
Narrative vs. parable
Stories carry truth better than facts
39:00 Word of the day: Streeteries -- restaurants that move their establishment onto the street because of COVID
Words evolve as culture evolves
It’s important to preserve the integrity of language and thought while adapting to a changing world
Ethical principles don’t change but situations do, so we’re called on us to navigate the complexities of life by following our moral compass
42:00 Is it possible to stay neutral when telling a story?
Always take a position of service and promote transformation
43:30 James Thurbur’s retelling of Little Red Riding Hood
Classic stories evolve into classic spinoffs
The lessons keep giving
Episode #17: Mark Brown -- everyone deserves a second chance
Why do we fear what we don’t understand?
Is freedom a goal or an obligation?
What practical steps can we take to create a culture of civility and mutual respect?
These and other substantive questions are answered when World Champion of Speaking Mark Brown, CSP, joins the Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://markbrownspeaks.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/mark-l-brown-speaker/
1:00 How Mark became a World Champion of Speaking
Disney and “a second chance”
Intolerance, indifference, and ignorance -- how we treat each other
Don’t be tied to what others think of you
Why do we fear what we don’t understand?
8:00 The unknown makes us feel vulnerable so we try to assert control
The responsibility of creators to project values and messages
Our responsibility as consumers of media to seek out positive messages
Why don’t we get it?
How do we get to a place where we want to understand?
Have the courage to be yourself
Be fast, funny, and curious
15:00 Who takes the first step to find common ground?
The first step is often unseen
Asking questions is more important than coming up with answers
17:00 Why the most joyous season in the Jewish calendar became a time of morning
The destructive consequences of disrespect
Culture goes from the top down and is magnified
Freedom is not the goal but an opportunity, a privilege, and an obligation
21:00 We are responsible for preserving the standards of our culture
Tolerance means we can get along
Our differences don’t define us
Take responsibility for what you do and don’t do, what you say and don’t say
The home and society are intertwined
The lessons of Rehoboam son of Solomon
Surround yourself with wise counsel
30:00 “The building of youth is destruction; the destruction of old age is building.”
Why we stand up for a parent, a scholar, and the elderly
We have to reinforce in ourselves fundamental values
Don’t devalue the old because we are enamored with the new
34:00 How can we do better as individuals and a society?
Focus on and magnify the positive and you will automatically diminish the negative
Seek advocates in positions of authority
Create an environment in school that replicates our vision of a better society
We are all teachers of those who observe us
48:00 Use your voice to speak boldly and respectfully
You can say the same thing encouragingly or dismissively
How will our words be received?
Timing can be everything
Try to see the world through the eyes of others
Don’t be a bully or a victim
54:00 What is our action plan?
1) Work on ourselves
2) Learn through observation
3) Develop our voice
The words you choose can ignite or defuse violence
Exercise restraint for yourself; come to the defense of others
61:00 The word of the day: phenomenology
Martin Heidigger -- Reality and consciousness are co-creators
Understanding depends on the relationship between them
My responses to what happens to me determine who I become
Who are your limiters and your liberators?
How does leadership “bubble up”?
What are the four steps of success?
What do Navy SEALS and Holocaust survivors have in common?
Why is hope essential to being ethical?
She grew up on two continents and went to eight different schools before putting herself through college waiting tables. Starting her career as an assistant at Embassy Communications, a television company founded by the legendary Norman Lear, Libby survived three mergers to become head of publicity, advertising, and promotion for Sony’s worldwide television group in just five years.
After her first career heading communications at media giants Sony, Universal, and Turner Broadcasting, Libby founded LA-based Libby Gill & Company, a leadership consulting and executive coaching firm. She guides individuals and organizations to lead through change, challenge, and chaos by deeply engaging employees in a shared future-focused vision of success.
https://libbygill.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/libbygillleadershipexpert/
https://www.facebook.com/libby.gill.58
https://www.amazon.com/Leadership-Reckoning-Education-Develop-Leaders/dp/1952938368/ref=sr_1_1?crid=6KEKA0K8FJ6C&dchild=1&keywords=leadership+reckoning&qid=1610487960&sprefix=be+the+spark+%2Caps%2C173&sr=8-1
1:00 Hope is a belief that change is possible and that you are responsible for your outlook
It’s a science, not abstract
We have more strength than we give ourselves credit for
The wisdom of 12-step recovery programs
The fusion of community and accountability
9:00 Leadership “bubbles up”
A willingness to learn, develop, and grow
Self-awareness, empathy, cooperation are keys to successful leadership
Navy SEALS and Holocaust survivors
The simplicity of service as a means of survival
13:30 Can everyone be a leader?
The distinction between hope, optimism, and happiness
Link belief with behavior
The Anatomy of Hope by Jerome Groopman
The idea of True Hope
19:00 Is hope essential to being ethical?
21:00 The 4 steps to success
Clarify your vision
Simplify the pathway
Execute
Stop, review, reflect, refine
Incremental improvement
Slow down, meditate, study, pray, nature, reset the mind
Take a technology Sabbath
26:00 How finding her voice helped Libby help others find their voices and thrive
31:30 We all influence whether we know it or not with little time and effort
34:30 What are you doing to make the world a better place for one other person?
Limiters vs. liberators
Set limits on mood vampires
Limit expectations but have a positive outlook
The story of the four sages
43:00 Look for silver linings
Use technology to create new connections
44:30 Word of the Day -- Serendipity: joy enhanced by the unexpected
Frame the ordinary in a way that makes it new.
Choose hope!
Episode #15: Bob Burg
**How do you create a context that promotes everyone's success?
How do you communicate information for maximum impact?
What are your unconscious operating systems and are they serving you?
How do you find and foster successful partnerships?
What should your target be to increase your chances for success?
Join us as we discuss these and other fascinating questions with Bob Burg, NYT bestselling author and Hall of Fame speaker on The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://burg.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/bobburg/
https://twitter.com/BobBurg
https://thegogiver.com/**
1:00 How the rabbi met Bob
Extraordinary accomplishments while keeping the common touch
3:30 What is a go-giver
Focus on others is the best formula for business
Internally motivated but outwardly focused
Ethics: being selfless is selfish
Business is about how we make others feel
Benevolent context for everyone’s success
8:00 Collaboration is people with different skill sets complementing each other
Stories carry the message so they become implanted in us
Parables and allegories
14:00 Being a giver is not being a doormat
How Bob got his start
18:00 Knute Rockne -- invest in people
19:30 How do we get people to connect with our message?
Unconscious operating systems make us think others think like us
Value is in the eye of the beholder
Success begins by asking questions, then listening with every part of your body
24:00 Dialogues of the deaf
Paraphrasing establishes understanding and trust
25:30 Compromise is not the answer
First look for the win-win
27:00 Go-Giver success alliance
29:00 Finding and fostering successful partnerships
35:00 Word of the day: meliorism -- the belief that the world can be made better through effort
Don’t make making money your target; aim to serve others, and success will follow.
Why is ignorance a gift?
Children come with innocence; when do we lose our own?
Why are we afraid to tell our own truth?
How does sympathy drive us apart?
If I have 16,729 friends , why do I feel so alone?
Join us as we discuss these and other compelling topics with Paralympian and executive coach John Register on this episode of The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://johnregister.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/johnregister/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M08l27PzJ8E
1:00 People are uncomfortable telling their truths and articulating the object of their fears
All fear stems from fear of the unknown
2:30 Kids are willing to say what adults are afraid to
Embrace the new normal
New is “no prior frame of reference”
5:00 Kids come with innocence… when did we lose ours?
Labels and categories create tension
Empathy vs. sympathy
Honor and respect others for who they are and on their terms
10:00 Have low expectations and work to raise the bar
11:00 Ignorance is a good thing if it makes us curious
We need to be inquisitive and want to expand our knowledge base
14:00 The fear of being misinterpreted of of inadvertently giving offense suppresses our curiosity
16:00 Swifter, higher, stronger -- always set the bar higher above each plateau
The nature of steps -- the top of one is the bottom of the next
A door is a point of transition: always look for the next door
20:00 How do we manage a step backward?
Always tell the truth and take responsibility
23:00 We all have disabilities -- some are more evident than others
Give every person the benefit of the doubt that they are trying to overcome their own challenges
27:00 Find the quiet space in your daily routine and use them as anchoring rituals
Develop good habits and avoid decision fatigue
32:00 We need support systems
Friendship is a profound gift, and we need to seek out people of quality and invest ourselves in them
34:00 We need to be able to take so others can give
36:00 Giving hard news, making hard decisions, supporting others in their decisions
38:30 Relationships may never recover from trust betrayed
Standing up for principles, even when there’s a price to pay
42:00 In a culture of trust, there is less opportunity for giving or taking offense
When truth outweighs fear, we commit to a courageous life
46:00 Tell people closest to you your secrets, then you won’t have to be afraid they will come out
Integrity calls us to take responsibility and be accountable
50:00 Word of the day: interstice -- take a pause
We should respond, not react, which requires us to take a moment before we speak or act
52:00 What’s one area where you can bring a truth to light and share it with another?
56:00 The founder of the Paralympics
The refusal to accept that circumstances can’t be improved is the essence of ethics
What happens when leadership is disconnected from the front lines?
Is deception ever necessary or ethical?
Is it possible to set the bar too high?
These and other fascinating topics are discussed in this interview with customer service guru and NYT/ WSJ bestselling author Shep Hyken on The Rabbi and the Shrink.
https://hyken.com/
https://twitter.com/Hyken
https://www.pinterest.com/ShepHyken/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/shephyken/
https://www.facebook.com/ShepHykenSpeaker
1:00 No excuses or false expectations
Ethics applies to big ideas and principles but never at the expense of little details
If I take your money for my product or service, I have an ethical responsibility to make it as easy as possible for you to use it
4:00 Customer experience is integral to business
Why do businesses fail to anticipate customer needs?
7:30 Major disconnect between leadership and frontlines
Experience the real experience
11:00 Critics have to engage in deception to avoid preferential treatment
Is this ethical?
14:00 The element of positive surprise
Creativity without dirty tricks or deceit
17:00 The ethics of doing business during COVID
The principles of business remains the same but practices change to meet changing expectations
22:00 Increased quality leads to increased expectations
Communication and information prevent frustration
26:00 What businesses do we love?
What are they doing right?
How can we do what they’re doing?
Improving our work environment will spill over into everyday lives
29:00 Have we confused ethics and politics?
31:00 Does politically correct language cause confusion?
Open-mindedness goes both ways
35:00 Do companies need to cut customer service expenses to remain competitive?
40:00 During COVID, how do we balance safety against service?
How do we balance physical well-being against psychological well-being?
43:30 The word of the day: quotidian -- ordinary to the point of mundane
Elevate the ordinary to a level of extraordinary
Create exceptional experiences
47:00 A little better than average stands out as exceptional
48:00 “Gold is a very rich color”
50:00 Personalize the experience and win loyal customers
53:00 Use good judgment to make ethical decisions
**What is the connection between ethics and civility?
Can democracy survive without a civil culture?
How do we balance insensitivity against hyper-sensitivity?
These and many other critical matters of human interaction are discussed in this week's episode with Chief Civility Officer Sejal Thakkar.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/sejalthakkar/**
1:00 Harassment and discrimination vs. civility
Evaluating and filtering our own behavior
What are our core values? What are the guidelines?
4:00 Internal vs. external behavior
A mindset of commitment to standards
Unclear definitions promote inappropriate behavior
Prevention vs. reaction
7:00 Checking boxes vs. addressing root causes
Over- vs. under-reaction
What can individuals do to improve a culture?
3 out of 4 people do not report cases of harassment
11:00 Have we overcorrected in promoting respect?
When leaders set an example of dignity and respect, openness and civility become more natural
15:00 How do we become conscious of unconscious bias?
Create a culture of awareness
Civility = civilization
19:00 Raise awareness so bias becomes conscious
Communication is the beginning of raised awareness
“Ouch!”
23:00 Compliance is the collective response that must be filtered through individual response
Thin-skinned vs. thick-sinned
25:00 Sometimes it’s best to let small affronts pass
When leaders and colleagues can be trusted to intervene, we all feel safer
29:30 Civility includes addressing every form of improper behavior
32:00 How do we manage different perceptions of civility based on personality types and culture
Authentic respect for others and willingness to engage in genuine discourse to find common ground
35:00 A smile and a flame are the only things you can give away without giving up
In healthy environments, we project positivity
38:00 “He stole my property, not my dignity or my manners”
40:00 Can democracy survive without civility?
Civility promotes creativity, productivity and, ultimately, profitability
43:00 Is cancel-culture out-of-control civility
Is shaming consistent with civility?
47:00 Word of the day: verbicide -- killing a word through misuse
Civility vs. political correctness
Political correctness become weaponized civility
51:00 How does a community handle the genuinely or maliciously hypersensitive?
Hiring and retaining the wrong people
58:00 We need more common sense, which is anything but common
Could you be the next Bernie Madoff? Could I?
What is the ethics diamond?
What is meliorism and why can't we be ethical without it?
These and many other gems of wisdom are found in this week's episode with executive coach Jennifer H. Elder, CSP, CPA, CVP.
http://www.sustainablecfo.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenniferhelder/
1:00 The ethics diamond (the fraud triangle + one)
- Facing the dilemma of choosing knowing someone will get hurt
- Pressure from one side or both: angel and devil on your shoulder
- Rationalization
- What’s the likelihood of getting caught?
2:30 The crisis of COVID magnifies all these elements
5:30 Gray areas are fertile ground for rationalization:
How honest can I be with myself?
How much we need a community to hold us accountable
*8:00 Slippery slope: small violations lead to bigger ones
Without consequences, we get bolder
10:30 Transgressions become permitted and then become values
11:30 The fallacy of the slippery slope?
13:00 An ethical culture allows for making mistakes and missteps as a mechanism to do better
Change starts with individuals, and is modelled from the top down
The damage caused by mixed messages and double standards
Noble behavior inspires higher personal standards
18:30 Keep ethical values up front
Don’t just print, post, and pray
Organizational responsibility
21:00 Is this the right thing to do?
Ethics begins where compliance ends
Take the moment of failure and focus on past successes
24:00 The story of Noah and the ark: the world was filled with violence and on the brink of self destruction
Try to raise up others while not letting them pull you down
27:00 Does the ethics of a company resonate with the culture of the time and fit with its own people?
*30:00 In a polarizing culture, finding common core values becomes increasingly essential to survival
Harvard/ University of London study: ethical businesses have 4 times higher sales
“Help me understand your position”
Learn to be curious
35:00 Whistleblowing: “What is lawful can be awful”
The importance of having a hotline
“Hold me accountable”
Report but verify
41:30 Why is it so hard to sell ethics?
The evil of “soft skills”
Sincerity sells
45:30 Word of the day: meliorism -- the belief that the world can be improved through effort
Ethics is impossible without optimism
*47:30 Organizational ethics defines the culture
Three questions for employees to create an ethical climate
52:00 Communication, collaboration, and problem-solving
55:00 Ethics requires courage; courage requires support and rewards (when they work)
1:01:00 Whistleblowing should be hard and should be worth it
FEAR: false expectations appearing real
0:30 The sages taught that we are created for three purposes:
To learn, to serve, and to perform acts of kindness
We have to connect ourselves to something greater than ourselves, and that takes effort
3:00 Service has two elements: intention and effort; each can exist independent of the other but should be integrated
Good deeds have tangible and intangible benefits
8:00 Not all acts of value can be measured or quantified, yet they are substantive
10:00 It may be my job to serve, I may be getting paid, yet I am still providing service
How I do my job depends on my level of commitment, which may depend on the environment created by those around me
14:00 The value of service depends on effort, either in the moment or in preparation
We should always challenge ourselves to raise the level of our service
16:00 “The Love Languages”
Serving others depends on responding to their wants and needs
18:00 Why were Adam and Eve challenged by the prohibition not to eat?
There mission was to preserve the status quo, but they wanted to be active, not passive, contributors
EGO -- Elbow God Out
22:00 The status quo may be uninspiring but is essential to the foundation of our lives
26:00 Should parents pay children for chores and grades, or does that undermine the precept of service?
Make it fun
Reward vs. bribery: is there a difference?
Incentives for the entire family together to promote collective success:
collective responsibility and rewards
34:00 Responsibility first, reward second
When we all do our jobs, we all benefit
It’s easier to do the job yourself than oversee and cajole children
Holding children responsible for doing jobs and teaching them to do them with joy give them a sense of self-worth, teaches them the value of work, and helps us appreciate one another
40:00 Providing the opportunity to serve teaches them the rewards of success
If it’s better to give than to receive, the greatest gift is the opportunity to give
“Mrs. Smith is doing very well in 4th grade.”
Anything worth doing is doing well
44:00 Is coerced work consistent with service?
The contradiction of “juvenile delinquent”
Levels of responsibility change as we grow and mature
46:30 Service is the key to a happy life
Accept apologies while asserting responsibility
Be gracious when being thanked
Use language with precision to promote a mindset of service
50:00 Love rebuke as an opportunity to improve
53:00 Word of the day: impeach -- to chain or trapped
Be become chained by the consequences of our actions and trapped by the habits we develop
Take risks, ask thoughtful questions, and be patient when others answer
56:00 Johnny Carson broke the rules of humor by drawing attention to his failures
1:00 The last refuge of the unethical is “it’s not illegal”
The last refuge of the gossiper is “but it’s true” -- if it’s not true, it’s slander
The purpose of speech is to connect with others, and gossip uses speech to divide people and tear them apart
The biblical prohibition against gossip
4:00 Pope Francis: gossip tastes like candy but is poison: it denies the G-dliness in others
6:00 Different types of gossip cause different types of damage
How Aaron the High Priest used speech to bring people together
7:30 When good speech can be used to cause harm
Emo-terrorists and saboteurs
10:00 Guard Your Tongue by Rabbi Israel Meir Kagan
How much damage seemingly benign comments may cause
Negative speech must have some wider benefit
13:00 Complaining vs constructive criticism
Avoid the sense of entitlement that leads to complaining and gossip
15:00 The Hebrew for “gratitude” translates literally as “recognize the good” -- the key to happiness
16:00 Say what you need to say in a way that opens hearts, minds, and conversations
17:30 We try to make ourselves feel better about myself by tearing others down
Better to build myself up, but it’s easier to destroy than to build
If you feel unworthy, maybe you are: now what will you do about it?
20:00 Our “origin stories” make us who we are, but don’t exempt us from responsibility for our actions
23:00 Compassion is responding to a need: refined kindness, which is unfiltered giving
We all take turns between being amazing and awful
25:00 Reacting is easier than thinking
The sages teach: don’t speak ill of inanimate objects -- avoid behaviors that promote bad habits
27:00 We set higher standards for others than for ourselves, when we should do the opposite; but if we set standards too high then we set ourselves up for failure
Ethics requires grappling with contradictions
Often we don’t believe in our own value
29:00 The qualities of ETHICS
Empathy, Trustworthiness, Humility, Inquisitiveness, Courage, Self-discipline
32:00 The contrast between highs and lows allows for the experience of happiness
33:00 The four steps to avoid gossip
- Realize in the moment you are gossiping (would I want someone to be saying this about me?)
- Don’t ask leading questions (don’t cause trouble)
- Address the issue: turn the conversation in a constructive direction
- Offer a silent prayer
35:00 Make a cost-benefit analysis before you speak
37:00 The tongue and the lips: not everything that can be said should be said
38:00 Remembering Rabbi Abraham Twerski
Drugs are poison and should be thrown in the garbage. Why do you think you are a proper receptacle for them?
40:00 We don’t have to like ourselves; we have to know that we were created the way we are for a reason and a purpose.
42:00 A change of environment can help us transform ourselves; a new sense of self-image can help us reidentify as better versions of ourselves
45:00 Gossip is a form of bullying
“The tyranny of the majority" and the fallacy of utilitarianism.
The platinum rule
48:00 Word of the day: petulant
Don’t indulge the impulse to complain and whine; an ethical mindset is a positive outlook
51:00 The head of the high court said he grew up among the sages and never found anything better for a person than silence
Don’t be afraid of silence
Think ahead to ask people about themselves
1:00 Generosity is an expression of kindness
Theologically, the world is built on kindness
When we give, it validates us, empowers us, and makes us partners in creation
3:00 Generosity is natural to children, but then we grow out of it
Babies are takers; if they don’t get what they want, they scream and get it
Parenting is the job of weaning the child off of the need for immediate gratification
Most of us aren’t trained to be parents
6:00 Overly generous parents raise entitled and selfish children
Is there such a thing as true altruism?
Why would anyone choose the pleasure of giving over other pleasures?
10:00 Does the pleasure of giving negate the pure motives of giving?
If I want to be a giver, then I’ll give even without the internal desire and thereby acquire the natural impulse to give
Manners: acting artificially polite for the sake of contributing to a better society and culture
The prisoner who acted generous in order to con people and then became “addicted” to being good
14:00 Maimonides: most of life is habit -- by developing good habits we reserve mental energy for challenging decisions
Steve Jobs’s wardrobe
Create a joyful rhythm for life
16:30 Every morning ask yourself: what do I need to do today to be a better person than I was yesterday?
The definition of a good person is someone who’s trying to be a better person.
19:00 We need to have goals to better ourselves
The story of the rabbi and the miser: one little act can lead to much bigger acts
Is it better to give a thousand dollars to one cause or one dollar to a thousand causes?
Giving is for the giver as well as the receive
24:00 Is it better to give anonymously or publicly?
Some people need recognition; some people need to see that others are giving before they will give
Ideally, good deeds are best when they’re done modestly
27:00 Jewish law forbids giving more than 20% to charity so the giver won’t become a charity case
We have to take care of ourselves first before we can take care of others
32:00 Kindness and justice combine to create compassion, which is the essence of charity
34:00 What if a person puts himself in financial straits because of pride?
A rich person who loses his money is ashamed that he can’t maintain his former lifestyle: how do you make a calculation between psychological pain and physical deprivation?
38:00 How do we meet the needs of a person who needs charity but is ashamed to ask for it?
40:00 Looking for creative ways to help others helps them and us
42:00 Look for the real request behind the words
45:00 Sometimes we have to save others from themselves
47:00 Word of the day: Athazagoraphobia
Fear of forgetting, being forgotten, or being ignored
We all want to be valued, which means we need to be worthy of being valued
50:00 We are all important; we need to recognize our own importance
If we wait for the approval of others, we may never get it
Make the choice to be wonderful and let that be its own reward
54:00 We can’t control how people treat us, but we can control our response
56:00 Since it’s better to give than to receive, the greatest give you can give another person is the opportunity to give
When done with pure intentions, taking can be giving
0:30 King Solomon: “Don’t remove the boundaries of eternity.”
We have to reexamine boundaries and conventions, but not abandon them wholesale
Einstein regret: relativity leads to relativism
Balance respect for the past with a progressive eye to the future
3:15 All of psychology is about setting limits
Why do we have so much trouble with it?
Human beings are lazy, so we try to avoid difficult decisions
We try to set our default between generosity and self-care
7:00 Commands, demands, and requests
10:00 Embarrassment over being seen as irresponsible or out of control
As parents and as members of society, we do have the right and the responsibility to give rebuke, but also to deliver it civilly
13:30 How do we decide what limits we set for ourselves in all aspects of our lives?
Don’t act out of anger but out of principles
Balance self-respect against social expectations
16:00 Using diplomacy to give rebuke
We don’t want to be the police
Ask for helpfulness rather than coming with complaints
18:00 We want others to take responsibility for themselves and feel resentment if we’re forced to remind them to be responsible
Managing the minor conflicts so they don’t escalate is what life’s all about
If I give you rebuke I’m really saying I believe in you and your ability to do better
21:30 How do we feel about taking a back seat so others can shine?
When we know we’re being watched, we watch more carefully
Zoom etiquette
27:00 The sacrifices of others reminds us to take more responsibility ourselves
29:00 Political polarization draws lines that separate us from one another
James Carville and Mary Matlin
Politics is today’s religion, so we see each other as heretics
33:00 Civic responsibility is an expression of character
34:30 Word of the day: compartmentalization
We create boxes in our minds so we can simultaneously hold two ideas that are incompatibles
We have to accommodate people with different values for society to function
38:00 https://www.ted.com/talks/daryl_davis_why_i_as_a_black_man_attend_kkk_rallies?
39:45 Challenge: how might you engage someone who has values you can’t abide?
When are we justified in cutting ourselves off from people?
42:00 Randy Pausch, Last Lecture: https://www.ted.com/talks/randy_pausch_really_achieving_your_childhood_dreams
45:00 It takes courage to evaluate our own reactions to others
47:00 Trying to be everything to everybody doesn’t work
Parents need to allow their children to test boundaries without stifling them
Life’s contradictions and paradoxes are meant to be managed, not resolved
49:00 What can you do to reach out to someone distant from you?
What are our options?
52:00 We learn more from discussing our differences: constructive disagreement.
54:00 The value of an accountability partner.
Embrace disagreement.
Thank heaven for difficult people.
1:30 People can violate the normative values and standards of society to the point where they forfeit the privilege of being allowed to remain a member of that society.
2:45 Groupthink vs constructive disagreement
Only when you understand the ideas of other people do you really understand your own
Insecurity drives us to shut down dissenting voices
5:00 It’s us vs. them, and you’re them: BYE!
Children have a fresh way of looking at things, and are unafraid to ask why
The older we get, the more threatened we are to reevaluate our world view
9:00 How do you deal with people you have to deal with who are not open to discussion?
Oblique approach rather than frontal assault
11:00 What outcome do you hope to achieve in your discussion?
Communication vs. conversation
Dialogues of the deaf
15:00 We aren’t trained to listen; we’re planning our response
What has happened to curiosity?
The I in ETHICS is Inquisitiveness vs. willful ignorance
Sometimes, our lives are too cluttered for us to be able to listen
Sometimes society cancels us for asking questions
22:00 No one ever died from a question
The real safe space is where we’re free to explore and investigate
24:00 Are we justified not to listen to people like White Supremacists or should we give everyone the benefit of the doubt first?
Isn’t labelling a form of cancelling?
28:00 Is it ever evil to listen?
Ideas can influence us for good and bad
What’s the difference between filtering and cancelling?
32:30 How do we prepare ourselves to listen to dangerous ideas without making ourselves vulnerable to them?
Young people are not mature enough to deal with complex ideas
We have to protect children (and ourselves) from ideas they aren’t ready to handle
36:30 We deal with kleptomaniacs differently from how we deal with thieves
Not every thief is a kleptomaniac -- there are levels of culpability
38:45 Steven Covey: Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand but with the intent to reply
How should we listen: First, paraphrase
41:00 Why don’t we want to listen?
Do we have to like someone to listen?
43:00 Sometimes it’s better to let people have their opinions and not engage them
Set ground rules
47:00 When we listen first, we encourage others to listen to us
48:00 Gossip vs. venting vs. necessary information
We have to take all the variables into account
50:45 Ronald Reagan denied screen actors’ achievement award
54:00 We have to anticipate how our word will affect others -- am I serving my audience?
55:00 Word of the Day: antediluvian -- before the Flood
Without a civil society, society descends into destruction
57:00 Ask yourself: whom do I want to cancel? How can I listen instead?
1:00 Have we confused assertiveness with aggression?
How do we balance being assertive with being civil and respectful?
Civility is the root of civilization
Does cancel culture promote or undermine civil society?
How do we hold one another accountable with objectivity?
4:30 Is hate speech ever comparable to terrorism?
6:00 We can’t have informed opinions if we are uninformed?
7:30 “Who gets to say…” = “no one gets to say.”
Jewish jurisprudence answers how to approach objective consensus
11:00 We want to preserve free speech while promoting civility
Ethics allows us to strike a path forward
13:00 What happens to humor when we are afraid to give offense?
14:00 “Derech eretz” -- the way of the land: standards and values are interwoven with social norms
The history of shifting standards
Conventions provide minimum standards for society
17:30 The anonymity of social media posting demands responsibility but promotes irresponsibility
20:00 Democracy and freedom also function if we take responsibility for ourselves
22:00 “Don’t you just hate it when your morality gets in the way of your life?”
Rabbi Samson Rafael Hirsch: freedom = moral discipline
24:00 Why is once-accepted speech suddenly unacceptable while once-banned speech has become normative.
27:00 Why isn’t ethics a required course of study?
28:30 Arnold Schwartneggar’s call for personal responsibility
Movies and TV shows depict ethical dilemmas
The responsibility of the media and entertainment industry
32:00 Do we judge others by their best day or their worst day?
There’s no easy answer, but it’s the discussion that benefits us
34:00 The purpose of government is to serve, not get reelected
36:30 The job of comedians is to challenge boundaries.
Sometimes that helps society progress; sometimes it erodes our moral foundations
There is a world of difference between asking “what can I do?” and “what should I do?”
40:00 Ethics is the source of all our problems and their solutions
42:00 Demonstrate to others the cause and effect of making ethical choices
46:00 “The Social Dilemma” shows the unintended side effects and consequences of new technology.
Collective responsibility comes from an ethical mindset
We need to talk more about responsibilities and less about rights
49:00 Ideally, we should listen to others and rearticulate before we express our own ideas.
50:00 Word of the day: anatidaephobia -- the fear that a goose or duck is watching you.
People are always watching us, and some of them fall into the goose or silly goose category, and will misrepresent us and our words; so we need to be mindful and careful with our words.
56:00 Steps for promoting ethics:
Further the discussion
Awareness
Call to action
57:30 The most successful ad campaign ever: delittering Hong Kong
1:00:00 When we ask others how they’re doing and they respond “fine,” probe further by asking for more information.
1:00 Repentance means a return to the straight and narrow through 1) stopping the improper behavior, 2) feeling remorse, 3) verbalizing our apology, and 4) planning a strategy not to backslide into old behaviors. Without a specific, concrete plan we have little chance of achieving lasting change.
4:00 The story of the first time Rabbi Goldson observed the Sabbath according to Jewish law, which demonstrates that the promises we make to ourselves may be the most important promises we keep.
9:30 Many people are not good to themselves, which may be why ethics really does start at home. What do you do to take care of or honor yourself?
11:00 Is there any sin that is truly unforgivable? According to the sages, only seven biblical figures totally forfeited their share in the world to come through actions that led others to sin.
Will Rogers’s philosophy toward sin.
13:00 Start with achievable goals. Find accountability partners.
15:00 Are there do-overs? Aside from the most egregious and lasting harm we might cause, we should be able to hit a reset button and commit to better behavior than wallowing in regret or resentment.
If a sin leads me to set higher standards for myself, then it actually becomes metabolized into something positive.
18:00 Look at the past with fresh eyes, recognize each party’s responsibility, evaluate with empathy, identify what needs fixing.
We are heroes and victims and witnesses in almost every situation. We need to ask ourselves how do we become heroes? And what do we learn from our mistakes?
21:00 There’s no app for being ethical, and there shouldn’t be. It’s by grappling with gray areas that we develop our ethical muscles.
When it comes to our errors, we can always make ourselves better, but we can’t always repair the damage we’ve done.
23:30 Moderating our response to others’ mistakes, especially children.
25:30 The Nazi officer asked a camp inmate for forgiveness. Should the Jew have forgiven him?
28:00 Does mental illness exempt a person from culpability? But it shifts responsibility to seeking help and to those in a position to help. Sometimes we just have to struggle with the impossibility of finding closure.
33:00 What was, what can be, and what should be, is the path forward.
Continuing behavior should not be forgiven unless it is uncontrollable or no effort is being made to control it.
The evils of sarcasm.
39:00 Word of the day: incogitant -- thoughtless, careless, or lacking the faculty of thought. We have to be thoughtful to be ethical, but we also have to balance high standards against reasonable expectations for others and ourselves.
The Hebrew word for rebuke shares its root with the word for vindication.
42:30 How do we understand the biblical command not to bear a grudge? We can’t control our feelings, but we can control whether we act on or articulate our feelings.
We don’t have to say everything we think. Only speak when it’s likely to do some good.
47:00 If two people both think they’re doing the right thing and they disagree with each other, how do we reconcile their different perceptions?
Schedule a time to discuss disagreements; don’t ambush people.
“I’d like to understand your point of view.”
54:00 How do parents confront school policies or actions by the school that the parents see as unethical. Often a third party intervention can de-escalate conflict.
2:00 Assertiveness training doesn’t always teach that the rest of the world isn’t always assertive.
Choose your battles; don’t engage in conflict over little things, but save your conflict for substantive issues.
What we choose to say and do is the foundation of ethics.
3:30 Word of the day: Zeitgeber -- an environment cue that helps an organism regulate its metabolism.
We need to take cues from our environment so we can regulate our ethical metabolism.
5:00 Isn’t it unethical to never speak up?
Compliance can be the enemy of ethics if it becomes an excuse not to grapple with ethical decision making.
Constructive disagreement enables us to see an issue from all sides.
7:30 What makes us act unethically?
We human beings are in conflict with ourselves. The amygdala wants immediate gratification and the frontal lobe looks ahead for long term consequences.
11:30 How do we respond ethically to others’ misbehavior?
Situational ethics? The principles of ethics don’t change, but situations do.
14:30 Most people want to do the right thing. So what gets in the way?
We combat the Freudian id by asking what serves the greater good.
Kamikaze pilots believed they were serving the greater good. Did that make it so?
17:30 Is there a difference between morality and ethics?
Morality descends from a higher authority which is cultural.
Ethics emerges from a collective sensitivity for what’s right.
20:30 Golden rule vs. the platinum rule. Is it all about me?
24:00 Character traits are neither good nor bad; they all have good and bad applications.
Conflict is not bad if it is constructive, but enabling us to see both sides of an issue more clearly so we can better understand the whole picture and thereby make better decisions.
26:30 Anger turned inward produces violence. Anger is a gift when it invites you to pay attention.
If we’re so angry that we can’t take a sip of water without spilling it, we shouldn’t be having an argument.
We should ask ourselves with empathy: Why is this person angry? Did I contribute to their anger?
31:45 The sages compare anger to idolatry; they also teach the importance of timing.
If we can recognize the irony in the moment and laugh at ourselves, we can defuse the ange.
Hillel: Don’t do to others what is hateful in your eyes. Consider with empathy. 36:00 It’s an art to interpret words and circumstances in a way that brings us together.
39:00 What’s the difference between anger and aggression? This is the kind of question we need to ask ourselves.
Anger is an emotion; aggression is a behavior. Aggression can be good or bad; anger is always bad.
43:00 If your neighbor is using a leaf blower at 7:00 Sunday morning, is it acceptable to respond by blasting your stereo at 3:00 the next morning?
46:00 Responding to immorality from a loved one is very different from responding to a stranger or casual acquaintance.
48:00 Don't let the devil in the door. Protect yourself by protecting your own environment.
50:30 “I don’t understand” vs. “That makes no sense.” First look inside myself.
52:00 Fix yourself first. Set limits. Lay down ground rules. Ask “why are you mad?”
3-yes technique.
The more clearly we see our own perspective, the more passionate and single minded we become. It takes an act of will to look from a different perspective.
1:02:00 The steps to a good apology
2:30 What’s the connection between ethics and civility?
Stephen L. Carter says in his book Civility that Civility is the root of Civilization.
An ethical mindset creates the relationships that lead to a civil culture.
5:00 How do we create a civil culture when we disagree on our (allegedly) shared values?
The truth is we can’t. We have to first identify those values we are all invested in, then we have to engage in conversations of constructive disagreement so that we don’t devalue each other.
7:00 We have to deal with family members with whom we don’t see eye to eye. What are some of those issues?
Do masks infringe on individual rights or do our responsibilities to the general welfare take precedence?
If we use the letter of the law as an excuse to circumvent the spirit of the law then we’ve missed the point that law is a guide to responsible civic conduct.
11:30 Does science prove that masks help? How can we believe officials when we are presented with conflicting data? Should lay people base their own decisions on their own interpretation of reported data?
14:00 Since we face so many political and social issues that require ethical judgment, why doesn’t the department of education mandate at least one course in ethics?
16:00 How do you teach ethics? Start with critical thinking by understanding both sides of an issue to acquire a more complete and more mature world view. See Jonathan Haidt: https://www.ted.com/talks/jonathan_haidt_the_moral_roots_of_liberals_and_conservatives?language=en
18:30 “E is for Ethics” https://www.amazon.com/Ethics-Ian-James-Corlett/dp/143918254X/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=e+is+for+ethics&qid=1612969349&sr=8-1
19:00 Why aren’t you a communist? You have to know the “me” before knowing the “not me.”
What are the barriers to having difficult discussions?
We first absorb our values from our environment. Sometimes it’s scary and threatening to seriously consider another point of view. It's easier to surround ourselves with people who think just like us.
23:00 How do you rebuke without shame?
Deb: First identify something positive, then ask permission to offer a critique.
Dave: When you challenge, people reflexively shut down.
Richard: Preserve their positive self-image.
30:00 How do you start a positive conversation about ethics?
Richard: I want to be the best person I can be.
First articulate back what has been said to demonstrate understanding before arguing, then coming at the issue obliquely rather than head on.
Rather than “why,” ask “help me understand.”
JoAnna: ask questions that evoke empathy.
40:00 A willingness to listen to sound arguments and see past stereotypes allows us to cultivate intellectual integrity and revisit our beliefs.
There has to be that willingness to hear people out and understand their positions.
49:30 Recognize differences between men and women’s styles of communication.
55:00 The Jewish process of repentance: stop the behavior, feel remorse, verbalize the apology/confession, make a plan not to repeat the behavior.
58:00 word of the day: Ultracrepidarianism. Expressing an opinion or giving advice outside one’s area of expertise.
How we represent ourselves is a function of ethics.
