Friendship IRL: Recent Episodes
Alex Alexander
Imagine you could listen in on those unfiltered conversations about what is actually happening inside someone's friendships, community, and support system...How someone navigated a friendship breakup even though they still see that friend often. What does balancing marriage, friends, and family look like, and who is someone calling when they need support? A parent who is wholly overwhelmed but doesn't have any family that lives nearby. Do they need to move back to their hometown? How might they build a support system from friends and the nearby community? Alex Alexander asks the questions we all want to ask and unearths a new way to think about community, friendship, and the support systems we surround ourselves with. "Doing things the way they've always been done" has left us all at our loneliest and most disconnected. So, ask the questions. Reimagine your relationships. Build yourself a better version. Take the conversation beyond the podcast! Follow Alex on Instagram (@itsalexalexander) or Tiktok (@itsalexalexander), or send her a voice message directly with all your friendship thoughts, problems, and triumphs by heading to AlexAlex.chat and hitting record. New episodes release weekly on Thursdays.
This episode will completely change how you show up for the people in your life when they are grieving or going through something.
Most of us have heard the advice about what to do when someone is grieving: bring the meal, send the gift card, walk the dog, take the kids, run the errand. And those things matter, but knowing what to say is where a lot of us panic.
Today I’m talking to Shelby Forsythia, a grief coach, author, and podcast host whose book, Of Course, I’m Here Right Now, gives us actual words to say when we don’t know what to say.
After years of working with grievers, Shelby started noticing that people were often telling themselves three stories: I’m crazy, I’m alone, and my life is going to feel like this forever. So she built three phrases to meet those stories.
In this episode, we talk about why hurtful words can fracture relationships after loss, why disappearing can be just as painful, and how the right words can help someone feel seen, believed, and less alone inside what they are carrying.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why Shelby believes words are one of the most accessible grief support tools we have
- The 3 phrases that don’t “fix”, bright-side, or rush someone through grief
- How someone can be physically present in a friendship but still emotionally vanish from the part of someone that is grieving
- The importance of sitting with someone in their “grief house” without trying to drag them into hope
Resources & Links
Learn more about Shelby on her website, and check out her book, Of Course, I’m Here Right Now.
Shelby also references the book, There Is No Good Card For This by Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell.
Episode 172: Unmuted Rooms and Judgment-Free Listening with Erin Snow
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Have you ever caught yourself on your birthday paying a little too much attention to your phone?
Noticing who texted, who posted, who sent a voice memo? What about who just “liked” your Instagram story but didn’t actually say anything? Who remembered, who didn’t, and what all of that might mean about how much they care about you.
For most of us, birthdays are one of the only times we explicitly tell our friends how much they mean to us. It’s the one day when all the evidence gets collected: did they remember, did they make an effort, did they show up in the way I hoped they would?
And if there aren’t many other moments throughout the year where we are saying these things out loud, then of course the birthday starts to feel loaded.
So in today’s episode, I’m talking about how we can build a culture inside our friendships where affirmation, appreciation, and “you matter to me” moments are not saved for one day a year. Your birthday can still be special, but it probably shouldn’t have to carry the full weight of proving where you stand in someone’s life.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why birthdays can start to feel like a friendship test, even when nobody wants them to be one
- Why a birthday text, card, party, or forgotten message can feel so loaded when there is not enough “you matter to me” evidence
- What story roots have to do with birthday expectations, and why our brains write loud stories about it
- How voice memos, shared notes, and friendship check-ins can help build a culture of affirmation beyond birthdays
Resources & Links
Episode 12: Digging Into the 3 Types of Friendship Roots
Episode 37: You Don’t Need to Understand People to Accept Them
Episode 70: Separating Our Own Friendship Beliefs from Our Children’s with Pam Howard
Episode 179: What Is Friendship Culture? (And How to Shift it Without Blowing Everything Up)
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
It’s impossible to talk about friendship or community without the topic of loneliness.
What is loneliness doing inside the body? How is it affecting our hearts, our brains, our stress hormones, and our actual day-to-day health?
That’s exactly what we’re going to explore today with Dr. Alan Rozanski, a cardiologist who has spent decades studying this question: what allows people to truly flourish?
Dr. Rozanski breaks down his six domains of health: physical health, mental vitality, emotional mastery, purposeful living, stress management, and social connectivity. And, of course, social connectivity is what I was most excited to talk about!
This conversation gave me a lot to sit with, and I think it might do the same for you.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why the effects of social media can be both a lifeline and the “fast food” version of connection
- How to think about “minimum standards” for friendship, movement, purpose, and emotional well-being
- Dr. Rozanski’s six domains of health, and the vicious cycle that comes from just one low-ranking area
- How loneliness can become a cue we ignore or try to satisfy in the wrong place (plus, the stat that doesn’t tell the whole story)
- Vitality, and why it can give us a “North Pole” for understanding what our health needs
Resources & Links
Learn more about Dr. Alan Rozanski on his website.
Episode 58: You’re Not Doing It Wrong: Why Friendship Looks Different for Everyone
Episode 62: Finding Your Purpose Through Friendship with Mark Delaney of The Purpose Mastermind
Episode 125: Super Psyched: The 4 Types of Connection We All Need
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Have you ever left a hangout with a friend and felt like 95% of the hangout was normal, but the other 5% was just… off?
Maybe it was a comment that surprised you, or a value that seemed to come out of nowhere. And suddenly you’re wondering, wait, is this still the person I thought I knew?!
That’s what I’m talking about in today’s episode. Notice this isn’t about friendship breakups or big fights. But rather, the strange grief of realizing a friend might be changing in a way that no longer feels aligned for you.
I’ll walk through why this can feel so disorienting, how old friendship roots can keep us connected even when something important has shifted, and the 3 options I think you have when a friendship still exists, but the person inside it feels different.
This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital penpal app used by over 10 million people worldwide! If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- What those tiny “wait, what?” moments can reveal, especially when most of your friendship still feels normal
- The difference between a friend simply changing and a friend shifting in a way that no longer feels aligned
- How friendship roots explain why old friendships can feel both familiar and disorienting at the same time
- When to consider a friendship demotion, a friendship pause, or ending a friendship altogether
Resources & Links
Order my book, Are We Friends Yet?and get immediate access to the Less Lonely Club Community and the 10-Day Connection Reset Private Podcast.
Learn more about The Friendhood on their website and on Instagram.
Episode 12: Digging Into the 3 Types of Friendship Roots
Episode 45: Friendship Demotions (and How to Build Even Better Friendships)
Episode 136: The Surprising Benefits of a Friendship Pause
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
There is something dreamy about the idea of living close to your people. Imagine all of the spontaneous walks, casual dinners, and “come over, I’m on my couch” friendship vibes that so many of us crave.
Today I’m talking with Kelly and Kristi from The Friendhood, a group of four women in Atlanta who actually did it. They didn’t just talk about moving closer to their friends someday — they now live within a block of each other, and their story went mega viral.
In this episode, we chat about what it really looks like to live near your best friends: the boundaries, the chosen family dynamics, the hard conversations, the 1:1 friendships inside the group, the joy of being aunties, and why proximity does not mean you are together all the time.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How The Friendhood went from 1 friend buying a lot in a new Atlanta development to 4 women living within a block of each other
- Why their chosen family dynamic includes husbands, kids, nephews, and the whole family unit
- A “yearly friendship check-in” idea that Kelly uses to ask what’s working and what needs support
- How The Friendhood avoids gossip and protects 1:1 friendships inside the larger group
Resources & Links
Learn more about The Friendhood on their website and on Instagram.
Episode 14: How To Join a Friend Group Or Create One
Episode 42: Real Talk About Friendship Trios
Episode 65: How Jenna Myhre Deyle Moved Across The Country to Live Closer to Friends
Episode 100: How To Use the Wheel of Connection to Strengthen Your Support System
Episode 149: Why We Should All Want Our Friends to Have Robust Social Lives (Even If It’s Without Us)
Episode 176: The Cost of Quiet: How To Stop Avoiding Conflict and Have Those Hard Conversations with Colette Jane Fehr
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
There’s a specific kind of loneliness that I don’t think enough people talk about — the loneliness you feel EVEN when you have good friends.
In this episode, I’m talking about why you might feel lonely, and I’m breaking it down into a few different reasons. Maybe you don’t feel fully seen, maybe this friendship isn’t the right container for what you’re carrying, maybe life circumstances have changed, or maybe there are quiet expectations that have never actually been named out loud.
My hope is that this episode gives you language for what might be happening in one specific friendship, so you have somewhere to start.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why you might feel lonely in a friendship when you’re masking, staying surface-level, or sharing vulnerably
- How to tell when a friendship is not the right “container” for a specific experience, passion, life change, or dream you’re carrying
- Why drift can happen when one person changes and the friendship hasn’t caught up yet
- Why texts, voice memos, and FaceTimes do not always replace the shared experiences you’re craving
Resources & Links
Episode 12: Digging Into the 3 Kinds of Friendship Roots
Episode 36: How To Feel Very “Not Alone”
Episode 74: The Power of Vulnerability In Small Doses
Episode 100: How To Use the Wheel of Connection to Strengthen Your Support System
Episode 176: The Cost of Quiet: How To Stop Avoiding Conflict and Have Those Hard Conversations with Colette Jane Fehr
Episode 179: What Is Friendship Culture? (And How To Shift It Without Everything Blowing Up)
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
**Why does connection, caregiving, parenting, friendship, and community feel so hard right now?
Author Stephanie Malia Krauss is here to talk about the “weather” we’re all living in right now: we’re overtapped, overworked, overstimulated, and overwrought.
And honestly, when I read that, I felt like she had put language to something so many of us are carrying around without even realizing it.
Stephanie and I both know what it feels like to be raised by a community. We talk about the adults who showed up in small ways when we were kids: the friend’s mom who always had a snack waiting, the counselor with animal crackers in her office, the parents who figured out rides, and the people who kept opening doors even when we weren’t ready to tell the truth.
This episode is all about the tiny ways people can help us feel human again, and why none of us were ever meant to do this alone.**
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How Stephanie’s “dangerous weather” framework explains the exhaustion so many of us feel right now
- What Stephanie and I learned from unlocked doors, team jackets, special snacks, and tiny check-ins
- Askables, anchors, and activators, and why kids need more than one caring adult in their lives
- How being praised for self-sufficiency, responsibility, and caregiving can become its own kind of trap
Resources & Links
Check out Stephanie’s new book, How We Thrive: Caring for Kids and Ourselves In a Changing World.
Stephanie’s other books include Making It: What Today’s Kids Need for Tomorrow’s World and Whole Child, Whole Life.
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
My book is finally out in the world.
This week, I'm taking you behind the scenes of the 6-year journey that became Are We Friends Yet? — from a food blog and a 40-page e-book idea, to a 120-page Word document, a friendship framework obsession, a major health crisis, an unexpected book deal, and more moments of crying on the floor than I'd like to admit.
This is the story of how this book came to be, the twists and turns I never saw coming, and why following my gut (even when it didn't make sense) ultimately got this book into your hands.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why I turned down a traditional publishing deal after years of trying to get this book into the world
- How a trio of chronic illnesses delayed this project by nearly 2 years and forced me to put everything on hold
- What recording the audiobook taught me after more than 180 podcast episodes behind a microphone
- The unconventional launch strategy I'm using instead of jumping straight into a big press tour
Resources & Links
Episode 19: The One For Little Alex
Episode 109: How To Rebuild Your Life When Your Capacity Changes
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
What do you do if a friend tells you something deeply personal? Maybe they're getting divorced, or they’re pregnant but haven’t publicly announced it.
This week, I'm sharing a friendship boundary that Michael and I have held for years, including the kinds of things we don't share with each other, why some of our friends are shocked to learn we've kept their secrets for months (or years), and the role trust plays in building strong friendships, communities, and marriages.
I know this is a hot take. But I think there's a difference between hiding something from your partner and holding something for your friend.
This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital penpal app used by over 10 million people worldwide! If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The 3 categories of information I refuse to share, even when friends never ask to keep it private
- Why carrying a friend's secret can sometimes be emotionally heavy, and why it's still worth it
- The surprising way trust spreads through friend groups when people realize you're someone who can keep a secret
- Why "my spouse knows everything" can unintentionally come at the expense of trust in your friendships
- The friendship philosophy that helps build strong individual relationships and a stronger marriage
Episode 2: How To Balance Friendship & Marriage Without Losing Yourself
Episode 12: Digging Into The 3 Kinds of Friendship Roots
Episode 100: How To Use the Wheel of Connection to Strengthen Your Support System
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Friendship apps have a reputation for being awkward. They're "not how real friendships happen.” But what if that's not true?
When Hayleigh Hayhurst moved to Seattle knowing almost no one, she found herself craving deeper connection and a stronger support system. Instead of waiting for friendships to happen organically, she decided to try Bumble BFF — and ended up meeting some of her closest friends!
Hayleigh talks about what it's like to go on friend dates, why friendship rejection can feel more personal than romantic rejection, and how to move conversations off the apps into real life.
If you’ve considered downloading a friendship app or simply want more meaningful friendships in your life, this episode is for you.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why adult friendships work better when you get to an in-person meetup as quickly as possible
- The surprisingly specific filters Hayleigh used when looking for friends, including relationship status and lifestyle
- How searching for a “neighborhood friend” changed Hayleigh's experience of living in a city far from family
- Why borrowing a partner's social circle isn't the same as building your own support system
- Why Hayleigh was more nervous to go on a friend date than a romantic date, and what convinced her to try anyway
Episode 52: How To Build Community When You Don’t Know Where to Start
Episode 162: Why Getting to Know Your Neighbors Matters Right Now
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Why does one friendship feel effortless while another feels tense, draining, or rigid?
In this episode, I’m diving into a concept I think about constantly: friendship culture. The unspoken norms, expectations, habits, and “rules” that shape how our relationships function.
From how you split the dinner bill to who initiates plans, what topics feel safe to discuss, or whether partners are included in hangouts — every friendship develops its own culture over time. And most of the time, nobody consciously decides on any of it.
I’m sharing my hot takes on how friendship cultures form, why they can start to feel restrictive or misaligned as we grow, and how to shift the dynamic without immediately blowing up the relationship.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How life transitions like parenting, finances, health, or relationships naturally shift friendship dynamics
- Why the same person can show up completely differently across different friendships and friend groups
- Questions to ask yourself to identify which friendship cultures actually feel good, supportive, and natural to you
- How small “nudges” can slowly reshape friendship culture without forcing a dramatic confrontation
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Divorce is one of those life moments where everyone has an opinion, a reaction, or a face they make when they’re told – which is, much of the time, not very helpful.
… So what IS helpful? That’s what today’s guest, Oona Metz, is here to talk about.
Oona is a licensed independent clinical social worker, a certified group psychotherapist with 30 years of experience supporting women through some of life's hardest transitions, and the author of Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women.
In this conversation, we cover it all: the grief, shame, and stigma of divorce; of building a divorce support team; the downsides of trying to be everything for your friend; how the words you choose in that first conversation matter more than you think; and most of all, what it really means to be the kind of friend who shows up for the hard stuff.
This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Oona’s own stories about what she experienced going through divorce and the diverse responses people offered, from condolences to congratulations
- All the nuanced feelings of divorce – including heartbreak, stress, relief – and how to ask friends how they’re feeling without making assumptions about their experiences
- Five phases of divorce, including heartbreak, roller coaster, mending, letting go, and moving on
- The Ring Theory, creating a divorce support team, and different approaches to supporting friends through divorce
Resources & Links
Check out Oona’s book, Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women and learn more about the Ring Theory.
And preorder my book! Are We Friends Yet?comes out June 16. The missing vocabulary for every relationship in your life and a real plan for what to do with it. When you sign up to order the book, you get immediate access to the Less Lonely Club Community and the 10-Day Connection Reset Private Podcast.
Listen to Episode Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Have you ever tried to make a new friend and felt like you were stalling out between the “acquaintance” and “friend” stages?
Maybe this person was on the edge of your life for months, and yet, nothing ever changed: you saw each other in the same places, you kept having the same conversations. How do you get to that point where they feel like a friend?
Some people assume if a friendship isn’t progressing, it’s not meant to be. But I’d argue part of the reason is there’s not enough nuance (or language!) for those in-between stages. We’re not taught what friendship actually requires to move forward.
Today’s episode is a roadmap for grown-ups to help work through the messy middle of making friends. I hope it helps you appreciate ALL the steps that draw us closer together.
This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required. Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The myriad of different kinds of friends in my Wheel of Connection, including familiar friends – people you see around haven’t forged close connections with
- Different ways to build roots, from inviting somebody to a new activity or remembering a small detail about them
- Challenges adults face in making new friends, including societal norms, competing responsibilities, and the tendency to put our best foot forward with new company
- Common obstacles to progressing friendships, including over-promising and skipping steps
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 12 about my Roots framework and Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection.
And preorder my book! Are We Friends Yet?comes out June 16. The missing vocabulary for every relationship in your life and a real plan for what to do with it. When you sign up to order the book, you get immediate access to the Less Lonely Club Community and the 10-Day Connection Reset Private Podcast.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Here you are, leaving that friendship hangout frustrated again.
You swear you’ll tackle the issue at the next meet-up, but then, time goes by. You’ve pushed the problem aside. Until it happens again. And again. Suddenly, this little issue has become a major one.
Today’s guest is Colette Jane Fehr, a therapist, TEDX speaker, and author of the Amazon bestselling book, The Cost of Quiet. Her work is rooted in couples therapy, but don’t press pause! Every single skill she teaches transfers directly to friendships.
If you have ever swallowed something hard and pushed it down because you didn’t know how to bring it up, this episode is for you.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Conflict avoidance: the tendency to not be too intense or demanding with friends – and consequently push issues under the rug
- What Colette calls the “victim volcano,” when untended issues stack up and eventually erupt
- Colette’s and my own personal experiences navigating issues between friends that need to be addressed
- Self-connected communication, which helps us prepare before sharing our grievances with friends, and “Good Girl-Itis”
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots framework.
Order Colette’s book, The Cost of Quiet: How to Have Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love.
And preorder my book! Are We Friends Yet?comes out June 16. The missing vocabulary for every relationship in your life and a real plan for what to do with it. When you sign up to order the book, you get immediate access to the Less Lonely Club Community and the 10-Day Connection Reset Private Podcast.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Bad vibes. Frenemy. Fake friend. Toxic friendship.
We have an entire vocabulary for when friendships aren’t working, but I think certain words and phrases often oversimplify friendship issues – and ultimately end up costing us something very real.
In this episode, I talk in particular about the word toxic: its history, how it’s morphed in modern friendship culture, and questions to ask yourself to identify issues in friendships instead of just labeling somebody toxic.
Let me be clear: this episode is not about tolerating bad behavior. This is about what happens when we reach for a label instead of doing the harder work of figuring out what the problem is and what we actually need.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why I think the word toxic has become overused and oversimplifies the complexities of issues between friendships
- Looking at some history to the word “toxic,” which has clinical origins but has been diluted via social media
- How the word “toxic” seems to imply a person is incapable of change – plus, my own personal qualms with labels in general
- The value in focusing on behaviors instead of labeling people, and three questions I recommend asking before writing off “toxic” people
Resources & Links
Preorder my book! Are We Friends Yet?comes out June 16.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
To me, writing a friendship manual for neurodivergent people seems kind of mind-bending. How do you encapsulate the beauty and diversity of ALL our brains in one book?
And yet, today’s guest, Caroline Maguire, has done just that. Caroline is an expert in social-emotional learning and ADHD coaching, the author of Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults (which I HIGHLY recommend!); and host of the ADHD Social Playbook Podcast.
For my neurodivergent listeners: I hope this episode reframes how you approach friendships. And for my neurotypical friends: it never hurts to understand what your friends might be experiencing.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Caroline’s childhood experiences of being bullied and left out and how this impacted her perspective on friendship as a kid
- The life-changing impact of learning to see friendship as a skill that can be developed at any age via self-awareness and practice
- Self-advocacy and asking for what you need in friendships (and how friends can adapt to neurodivergent communication styles and sensory needs)
- Masking – suppressing or camouflaging neurodivergent traits to fit in – and the importance of not losing your own authenticity among friends
Resources & Links
Check out Caroline’s books, Why Will No One Play With Me?and Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Does talking about one person to another make you a bad friend?
For quite some time, I’ve been considering the role of gossip in friendship. I’ve reflected on my own patterns and beliefs, and I’ve thought hard about where I’ve pushed the boundaries.
My goal in this episode is to get to the root of gossip and the role it plays in relationships. I dive into some research about the history of gossip and include some guidelines I use in my personal life.
I don't think you need to feel guilty every time you talk about someone; guilt just makes us second-guess very normal, necessary human conversations. But I do think we can get a little more intentional about how we use gossip so that it serves rather than harms our connections.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The history of the word “gossip” – what it used to mean, who it referred to, and when it became associated with women’s social circles
- The rebranding of gossip as derogatory, and modern social scientists’ more neutral definition of gossip
- Different ways gossip can be useful, including processing confusing or painful situations and reality checking
- My own personal questions and guidelines for deciding whether it’s OK to talk about a friend to another friend, including the outcome test and the audience test
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 99 about individualism in friendship with James Richardson.
Robin Dunbar’s social grooming research can be found in his book Grooming, Gossip, and the Evolution of Language You can find more about Norm talk in this article from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: Norm talk and human cooperation: Can we talk ourselves into cooperation?
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
For years, Erin Snow was a trauma-informed legal advocate for domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking survivors, so she understands well the cost of having nowhere safe to say what’s true.
When she got divorced, she felt isolated and without a support system, even among people she thought were friends. She’d been so busy being everyone else’s “person” that she never let anyone be hers.
So, she created the kind of space she was seeking. She founded the Unmuted Room, a judgement-free confidential listening space built on the premise that being heard is not a luxury but a necessity.
In our conversation, Erin describes the slow, quiet realization that the friendships she’d been showing up for weren’t actually showing up for her – which I think is a common experience that’s going to make so many listeners feel seen.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The challenge of feeling like you don’t fit in a friend group and the pressure to conform to their value and interests
- Erin’s slow realization that her role as the listener among friends was being unreciprocated in the midst of a divorce, eventually leading her to feel ostracized
- The importance in finding new supportive relationships and the role of networking groups that helped Erin rebuild
- The Unmuted Room and the types of people who seek Erin’s services, including people who are in life transitions, caring for aging parents, experiencing fertility issues, etc.
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots framework; Episode 85 about shifting people-pleasing friendship patterns; Episode 86 about embodying main character energy in your friendships; and Episode 90, aimed at helping men strengthen their social circles.
Check out the Unmuted Room and try out a free 10-minute consultation with Erin.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Fitting social gatherings into busy lives often isn’t easy, but let me remind you of their value:
One of the longest studies on human connection found that adults who went to social gatherings regularly reported reduced levels of depression and better life satisfaction.
The good news? You don’t have to wait for life to ease up or to get invited to see your people; you can start creating recurring friend gatherings right now, which is what I’m talking about in today’s episode.
Not only will these gatherings help you keep up with friends – whether they be in your inner circle or neighbors you want to know better – they might even become your secret weapon for meeting new people in a low pressure way.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- My counterpoints to common fears about hosting (What if nobody shows up? What if my home’s not nice enough?)
- The value in starting small (just one or two people!) and simple, remembering that most people don’t remember the details of a gathering, only the emotional impact
- Tactics for setting up recurring gatherings, such as locking in regular times or activities – plus, how my husband organizes regular movie nights
- Making gatherings easier for people to attend and enjoy (familiarity and comfort are key!) and host (popsicles, anyone?)
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 6 about the six roles of hosting; Episode 91 about taking charge of your guest experience; Episode 111 about hosting perfectly imperfect (and consequently more frequent) gatherings; and Episode 155 about hosting on any budget.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Have you ever felt like you have nobody to call, and wondered: how did I get here? Where are my people?
Maybe you’d been focusing on your career and lost touch with your friends. Maybe a big life transition has made you feel the friendships you used to have were tied to a version of you that no longer exists.
I’ve been there. I feel your pain, and I wish I could give you a big hug. But as somebody who’s been in this situation before, I can also tell you this: you might have more people in your circle than you think.
In this episode, I want to unpack this feeling and recommend a variety of episodes that might help you find the inspiration to go out and change your social landscape. (Be sure to check out the links below!)
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The common misconception that there is something inherently wrong with individuals who struggle to make and maintain friends
- The shame spiral and negative self-talk of feeling like you have no friends and the importance of understanding how you arrived at this point
- Various circumstances and life changes that may of occurred that have made maintaining or making connections difficult
- The Wheel of Connection, which is a conclusive look at the different people you have in your life
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 27 about loneliness; Episode 69 about learned loneliness; Episode 132 about navigating great friendship shifts; Episodes 25 and Episode 153 about friendship break-ups; Episode 101 about chronic illness; Episode 18 and Episode 35 about grief; Episode 19 about starting from scratch; Episode 100 (do the exercise!) about the wheel of connection; Episode 72 about virtual connections; Episode 128 about pararsocial relationships; Episode 129 about online friends; Episode 78 about friendship self-talk; Episode 41 about the liking gap;
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Like it or not, AI is becoming part of our world in countless capacities – including navigating friendships.
Today’s guest is Connor Joyce, a senior user researcher on the Microsoft Copilot team who has been working in the AI space for five years. He has integrated AI into almost every aspect of his life, including friendships.
To some of you, this might seem intense, and I get it. But I challenge you to stay curious and listen to the intentionality behind Connor’s use of AI, because what he’s doing isn’t that different from what many of us already do, just in a different format.
Connor isn't using AI to replace his relationships. He's using it to show up better in them, to understand himself more deeply, and to make decisions aligned with his values – and when you strip away the AI part, that's just good relationship work.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How Connor uses AI in various aspects of his life, including work, personal organization, and his relationships
- How Connor’s use of AI is similar to traditional methods of tracking relationships and developing self-awareness about them, from journaling to therapy
- NOT using AI for simple, one-sentence queries, but instead providing context before prompting it to analyze or generate audits into something
- Being transparent when using digital AI tools in friendships and using the tool to align decisions with core values of accountability and growth
Resources & Links
See Connor’s guide on how he uses ChatGTP and follow him on LinkedIn.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Ever feel both happy and also … a little jealous when a friend shares good news?
I experienced this dichotomy the other night, when my friend shared a success. I found myself performing enthusiasm while dealing with conflicted emotions; I wanted that kind of success, too. Did this make me a bad friend for feeling something other than pure joy for her?
In this episode I talk about jealousy in friendship: how it happens, for all things big and small; the different ways it might manifest; and how acknowledging it can shift your friendship culture in a deep way.
I think the goal is not to have no feelings. It’s to let the feelings tell you something useful – and then bring that information back to your friendship.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Envy vs. jealousy in friendships, and processing each through self reflection and honest conversations
- How to avoid the distance and awkwardness that jealousy or envy can provoke in friendships
- The internal struggle of performing enthusiasm while dealing with conflicting emotions
- Why envying somebody famous feels so different from envying a friend
Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
While brainstorming episode ideas, I sometimes search Google Analytics to see what people are asking. Here’s what I found this week: How do I ask someone to hang out without making it weird?
Turns out, millions of people are feeling anxious about asking someone to join them for coffee! (What do I say? What if they think I’m weird? What if they say no?)
Today, we end that cycle. I’ll talk you through how to ask someone to hang out: what to say, how to handle rejection, why it feels hard.
Embrace that awkward first encounter! That’s the kind of thing you laugh about later on, years into a friendship.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why asking someone to hang out feels so much harder as an adult than when you’re a kid or teenager
- The value in being specific when asking someone to hang out and suggesting an activity or time
- The importance of not taking rejections personally! Rejection is of the offer, not of the person; others might not be prioritizing connection right now as highly as you are
- How to make it easier to ask somebody to hang out by choosing an activity they’re already partaking in
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 145 about reframing rejection with Tanisha Moody,
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
She used to call herself the shy, awkward kid with one best friend. Now she calls community her superpower.
Last year, Alison Kinsey decided to run an experiment: invite 10 interesting people to coffee in one year. The result? New friendships and a complete shift in how she sees herself.
And you’d never guess it was a cross-country move to California that encouraged her to become an initiator. From afar, I’ve seen Alison start networking groups, go on blind double dates, host low-effort gatherings, and get deeply involved in her local community.
Alison is also one half of the Podcasting for Creatives team (and host of the podcast, Real Time Creator), who I have been working with since this podcast was just an idea.
If you have been telling yourself “I’m too introverted” or “I’m just bad at this” — that story is not permanent. If you keep showing up, you'll look back and realize you're not the same person anymore.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How Alison’s move to San Diego triggered her to become more intentional about her friendships, starting with connecting with the organizer of a Meetup group
- How Alison used Instagram as a kind of “friendship dating app” to find and connect with people in her community
- Real Time Creator, which documents Alison’s career break from being a high-earning breadwinner to taking a creative sabbatical
- Alison’s challenge to have coffee with 10 new people over the course of a year, and her experience organizing low-stakes hangouts
Resources & Links
Find Alison on Instagram, LinkedIn, and her podcast Real Time Creator, which documents her layoff from tech and creative sabbatical.
Learn more about my podcast editing team, Podcasting for Creatives.
Listen to Episode 12 about the Roots framework; Episode 14 about friend groups; Episode 44 about how making friends can help you with the big life choices; Episode 48 about using the internet to find connections; Episode 83 about making friends in different life stages; and Episode 134 about fringe friends.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
This is the second installment in a two-part series about group chat anxiety.
If having a massive group chat text chain stresses you out, then I’m going to let you in on a secret: it’s because you CARE about your friendships. But with these chains, we’re also sometimes pouring this caring into the wrong place.
In this episode, I talk about auditing these group chats and determining what’s working and what’s draining. How can we use them, not as a primary source of connection, but as a tool to move toward connection that feels fulfilling?
With a little effort, hopefully this extra thought will mean we’re texting a little less with the intention of connecting a little more.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Looking at how your group chats are functioning: is it to update a large group of friends? Is it a smaller group? What’s the purpose of the group chat?
- Having conversations with your friends about what the group chats are for; for example, are side conversations okay? Is it okay to add new people to the chat? Etc.
- Giving yourself permission to set boundaries: you don’t have to be in every chat, you can mute or leave, and you can set response windows
- In my opinion, the wrong kind of group chat work (constantly checking, crafting perfect replies) vs. the right work (auditing chats, investing energy where it matters)
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 161 about managing friendship overload and relationship burnout.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Have you ever picked up your phone and discovered a hundred unread text messages?
Likely you’re at the tail end of a group chat, and it kind of feels like walking into a party two hours late. You want to respond but wonder: will people be annoyed at you for backtracking? Maybe you even feel resentful for being added to this chat without consent.
Group chats can sometimes feel like you’re operating with one arm behind your back – but if you suffer group chat anxiety, I think it’s important to remember that it’s because you really care about your friendships.
This episode is the first segment of a two-part series on anxiety surrounding group chats: today, we’re talking about why group chats can be tricky to navigate, and in the next, what you can actually do about it.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why group chats are often used to satisfy a craving for connection but often fall short of delivering real connection people want
- The richness of in-person connection (Body language! Tone! Shared moments!) vs. the flatness of texting
- Different ways group chats can cause anxiety, from the public nature of having something you said responded to or ignored to lurker guilt
- The intensity overload of group chats, plus, different studies about texting and anxiety
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots framework; Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection; Episode 127 about using data to manage your friendship mental load; Episode 131 about the spectrum of digital connection; and Episode 134 about fringe friends.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
When Michelle Valiukenas lost her daughter Colette after being born at 24 weeks, the grief was devastating – and this grief had real effects on her friendships, both good and bad.
In today’s episode, Michelle and I talk about the evolution of relationships through all of life’s ups and downs and the value of showing up imperfectly.
Shortly after recording, my own friends lost their son in the NICU, and I felt uncertain how to go about sharing this episode; I decided to release it because my friend told me these kinds of stories provide her comfort and can be hard to find.
If you're supporting someone through grief, or if you're in it yourself, I hope that this conversation gives you permission to have the hard conversations.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The power in giving our grieving friends the options of whether they want to talk about their loss or not
- How I used this episode to show up for my own grieving friends, including normalizing talking about the the child they lost, Cam, and being present through hard days
- Why we can’t maintain our friendship peaks forever, just as you can’t sustain race-day conditioning – and that’s OK
- What’s actually helpful for people grieving, from remembering anniversaries to offering concrete help (i.e., don’t ask what they need, offer a service instead)
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework.
Michelle and her husband founded the Colette Louise Tisdahl Foundation, which aims to improve outcomes of pregnancy, childbirth, prematurity and infancy, and help the grieving process.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
One reason I do this work is I believe all humans deserve to feel safe – but for a lot of us, that’s not a reality right now.
Across the country, from Minneapolis to Maine, people, including children, are being kidnapped from their homes under the guise of immigration crackdown.
So today’s episode is about leveraging connection as a form of resistance to protect our neighbors. What can you offer, and how do you present yourself as a safe person?
You might think the action ideas in this episode are too small. But resistance doesn’t always have to be on the front lines. You can be the neighbor somebody calls in an emergency. You can pay attention and let people who might do harm know you’re watching. It all adds up.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Ideas for how to present yourself as a safe person, from hanging rainbow flags or multilingual signs to simply talking about your values in casual conversation
- The truth about numbers: when people who help outnumber those who’d harm, it becomes harder for hateful actors to act
- Why not all resistance is viral and the real value in small, everyday connections and actions, particularly when crises hit
- How to help, from calling congressional representatives to watching for opportunities in which you can show up
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 120 where I dive into my political beliefs and Episode 126 about how friendship can be a vehicle for radical change.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Ever feel like, all of a sudden, you have TOO many friendships to juggle?
I know – this sounds like the most privileged problem ever! But truly, it’s a common experience, and I think the reason some of us get burnt out is because we feel we need to show up for each person in the same way.
My thoughts? Some friends are lifelines; others add color to your life. Both types matter. But you don’t have to show up the same way for everyone.
Whether you’re feeling stretched thin by your growing network or just want to be more intentional about how you connect, this episode offers a practical approach to keeping all your many friendships meaningful AND sustainable.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why you don’t have to show up the same way for every friend, and how redefining your relationship roles can save you from burnout
- How your growing list of responsibilities and roles as an adult naturally leads to more connections — and why that’s a good thing
- Getting clear on your unique strengths in friendships so you can show up where it matters most (and release the guilt of not being everything to everyone)
Resources & Links
Listen to some of my episodes that challenge the “all-or-nothing” mindset about friendship, including Episode 13 and Episode 33. And be sure to listen to Episode 12 about the different kinds of friendship roots.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Have I made it sound like it’s easy to keep friendships strong and resilient?
If so, let me set the record straight: making changes in friendships, even if they’re for the better, is HARD. A lot of the time, it involves uncomfortable conversations, confrontation, and hard feelings. It’s so tempting to push problems aside to keep relations “peaceful.”
I think there’s an expectation to put in work for romantic and familial relationships, but how much work should we be doing for friendships? At what point is it not worth the effort?
Here’s my hard truth: If you want friendships where you can grow, change, and share the real stuff, you’re probably going to have to rock the boat. It might be uncomfortable, but it won’t be uncomfortable forever. On the other side, I think you’ll find the work was worth it.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The assumption that friendships should always feel good and seamless, with zero challenges as we all move through life’s transitions
- Different types of work involved in maintaining friendships (and why avoidance is even work, from suppressing urges to withholding details about our lives)
- Why having those difficult conversations sometimes will not feel good but are important in addressing changes, building resilience, and maintaining connection
- How we feel having hard conversations with partners, family, long-term friendships and new friends; does the label of the relationship impact your investment of effort?
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 99 about individualism in friendship with James Richardson; Episode 149 about why we should want our friends to have robust social lives; Episode 153 about friendship break-ups with Meenadchi; and Episode 159 about speed dating for friends.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Imagine you’re fresh out of college and just moved back to your hometown. Suddenly, making plans with your friends feels hard.
Instead of meeting them in the apartment next door or in the dining hall, you’re texting back and forth, trying to get together – but much of the time, it doesn’t pan out, or it’s just not the same. This story is a reality for so many people, including today’s guest.
Jason Edmonds is a Seattle resident who decided to make his own solution: Six Degrees, an event-based social experience that matches people through personality quizzes and groups them into activities, helping people in Seattle find their people.
In this interview, we talk about vulnerability. We talk about Six Degrees. We talk about the stigma of getting help to find friends. Most of all, we talk about how common this whole experience is. Transitioning from college to adult friendships is hard, and many of us could use a little extra help.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The common experience of post-college friendship struggles: in college, socializing was so easy, but as adults it’s more complex
- Six Degrees, an event-based social experience designed to help people find new friends through intentional activities and personality quizzes
- The difference between college and adult friendships and the importance of vulnerability and intentionality in friendships
- Using social media and technology as a bridge when you meet someone at a meet-up like Six Degrees
Resources & Links
Follow Six Degrees on Instagram.
Listen to Episode 21, which is about that shift in friendship during our mid- to late-20s; Episode 41, about the Liking Gap; Episode 123, about maintaining friendships without proximity; and Episode 145, about reframing rejection.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
I sobbed in the car about the holidays this week – but not for reasons you might think.
Here’s what made me emotional: I am so grateful and excited for the ways we are celebrating our holidays this year. It could not be further from the reasons I’ve car sobbed in years past.
Some of you are already excited about the holidays, and I love that for you. But that is not everyone’s experience, and for years, it was not mine. There was a period in my 20s when my partner Michael literally called me the Grinch. Holidays are often reserved for families – so where does that leave those of us who don’t have strong familial ties or want something different?
This episode is about how to create holiday traditions with your friends that feel GOOD, with practical advice on how to initiate these conversations and get the ball moving, with the hope that you too will dream up and work toward your own ideal celebrations, too.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- My personal relationship and evolution with the holiday season, from being the Grinch to crying in the car out of happiness for my holiday plans
- What I was looking for in my holidays, including togetherness, connection, and splitting the burden of the magic making
- The societal normals that often limit holiday options to family gatherings or solitude, and the third option I’m proposing: holidays with friends
- Initiating conversations with friends about getting together for the holidays – which often involves a little vulnerability
- The importance of patience and openness in creating new holiday traditions with friends
Reflection Question:
What would your dream holiday look like? Formal, informal? Spent with family? Friends? Alone? What seeds could you plant now so that in the coming years you can make that dream a reality?
Notable Quotes:
“I have spent the past five years figuring this out. I was truly the Grinch. Michael actually used to call me the Grinch. I didn't even realize how much I despised the holidays in my low- to mid-20s, and Michael comes from a family that loves the holidays, so I'm sure I stood out like a sore thumb because of my holiday feelings. I want to talk about this journey of going from someone who dreaded holidays to creating celebrations like this year that I am actually so excited about I am crying in my car in gratitude.” (3:14)
“If you are sitting here listening to this podcast, feeling like the holidays that are coming up aren't quite what you want them to be, I want you to know that you're not alone. I hope you already know that, but you are definitely not alone. And more importantly, I want you to know that it's okay to start dreaming up something different, and that once you have that dream, sometimes all it takes is a few brave conversations to start creating the holiday experience that you've already wanted.” (29:11)
Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
If you’re somebody who dreads going to a party, then this episode is for you.
Sometimes the couch feels more appealing than going out into the world and socializing, and I get it. Attending a gathering takes energy. Sometimes it feels awkward. But gatherings can also make us feel inspired and supported and invigorated.
Today I offer an approach that will help you take charge of your guest experience with three simple questions. You can ask yourself these questions before you leave, while you’re driving, or even on your way inside. It’s that easy.
My hope is that this episode helps more gatherings feel like time well-spent – and that, consequently, you’ll want to say yes to more invitations in the future, too.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why do we like being invited? What feeling do we think a gathering will offer? And why do we sometimes feel dread on the day of?
- What the very best gatherings can provide: a shift in momentum, a feeling of relief, a connection made, something learned
- How to take charge of our guest experiences and create moments of meaning by asking three simple questions
- Remembering that we don’t always know what will happen – and that sometimes the most unexpected gatherings can actually be the most impactful
Reflection Question:
Are you a person who dreads gatherings? What is it about them that you fear? What tools from this episode will you take with you for your next gathering?
Notable Quotes:
“The best gatherings – I think, if we look back on them, there's something about that gathering that caused an internal state change, an emotional shift, or some sort of momentum in our lives. We're all out here spending so much time in our own heads – which is great, by the way. I'm not saying don't spend time in your thoughts meditating and being present with yourself. I'm just saying, for a lot of us, that's how we spend the majority of our time, and sometimes, it is nice to be with other people who might inspire you, or offer a fresh perspective or a boost of information or a new way to see the world – an opportunity to feel invigorated or nourished or supported.”
“We can't just keep walking into these gatherings pretending like we have no real power here. We do and we can create meaning for ourselves. So how do you do that? Well, I have a very simple strategy. All I do is ask myself three questions before I walk in the door. You could do this while you are driving there. You could sit in your car for a moment before you go inside. You could do this honestly, even between the time it takes you to park your car and walk in the door. It really is that easy.”
Resources & Links
Read The Art of Gatheringby Priya Parker. It’s amazing!
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever walked away from an interaction and thought, gosh, I was so awkward! They’ll never want to talk to me again.
If this is you, you’re not alone, and honestly, it probably wasn’t as bad as you think; we’re often harder on ourselves than other people are on us. When it comes to connections, there’s a name for this underestimation of how much others actually enjoy interacting with us.
The Liking Gap is a social phenomenon that I discuss in-depth in Episode 41, and today, I want to talk about it again – but this time, how to reduce that gap with five tips on feeling more confident and connected during everyday interactions, no fake positivity required.
Whether you’re navigating friendships at work, struggling with small talk, or seeking genuine connection, this episode is packed with relatable stories, actionable advice, and plenty of encouragement.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- What the “liking gap” really is—a scientifically studied phenomenon where we underestimate how much others actually enjoy interacting with us
- Five actionable ways to feel more confident and connected in conversations, from being genuinely curious to using both verbal and nonverbal cues to show interest
- Insightful reframes for neurodivergent listeners, with practical pivots that turn common hurdles (like interrupting or not loving eye contact) into strengths
- Why searching for the good in others and starting with a baseline of respect can transform even casual acquaintanceships
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 15 about staying curious in your interactions, Episode 41 about the Liking Gap, Episode 74 about small intimacies, and Episode 40 and Episode 144 about neurodivergent friendships.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
Let's talk about the Martha Stewart trap so many of us have fallen into.
You decide you’re going to get everyone together to see your new place. But then you start thinking you need to deep clean everything; you need more seating, more cutlery, and you need to cook a nice meal. Eventually you start wondering: when did hosting get so expensive?
I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be. Today’s episode will reframe a few things for you, but the biggest one is about the difference between entertaining, which I’d say is your Martha Stewart dinner party, and hosting, which is casual and can be inexpensive (or even free).
Don’t let Martha Stewart scare you off from hosting a gathering. Bringing people together for a gathering is about connection, not perfection, and you don’t need a pristine home or unlimited budget to do it. All you need is yourself and a little creativity.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How my experience as a professional wedding planner has reframed how I see hosting vs. entertaining (and why I think the host is the initiator, not the venue owner)
- Hosting people outside your home via a community event or at a park, community space, library, museum, etc.
- Different kinds of informal parties I’ve hosted: Picnics in the park! Potluck freezer food parties! Cookie nights! DIY pizza nights!
- Using energy to manage feelings of vulnerability and create a welcoming environment for guests instead of trying to manifest perfection
Resources & Links
Listen to the Six Rules of Hosting audio guide.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.
Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet
WANT MORE?
My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!
Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.
I’ve never been a big drinker. In my early twenties, I remember having to stand up for myself to be included during drinking games, even though I was drinking water.
But at a recent gathering we hosted, I realized there were actually MORE non-drinkers than drinkers present. Making non-alcoholic options (and non-alcoholic activities) a normal part of our get-togethers has certainly been an evolution, and I’m grateful for it.
There are lots of reasons people don’t drink. Maybe it’s due to health reasons or childhood trauma regarding alcohol; maybe they’re in recovery, they have responsibilities, or they just don’t feel like it. Today’s episode is about starting conversations about friends’ boundaries regarding alcohol so hangouts can fit those preferences.
If you want to drink less or if alcohol is a trigger for you, I hope you take this episode as encouragement to talk with friends about it. Personally, I’ve found gatherings that don’t revolve around alcohol to be not only more inclusive, but also more creative and fun.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why I’ve never been a big drinker, and how my health has led me to stop consuming alcohol entirely
- Conversations about understanding friends’ boundaries with alcohol and the importance in not making it a big deal
- Different non-alcoholic activities: workout classes! Walks! Going for drives! Running errands! Etc.
- Building shared experience roots through new activities, which also makes friendships more resilient and comfortable
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 12 about emotional intimacy roots.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Ninety-four percent of people have experienced more than one friendship break-up.
Let that sink in. Nearly EVERYONE listening has been through this heartbreak multiple times – and yet, we barely even talk about it as a society!
This statistic comes from a survey conducted by today’s guest, Meenadchi, a somatic healing practitioner, communications expert, author of Decolonization Non-Violent Communication, and TEDx Talk presenter about her own friendship break-up.
This is a conversation about the losses we don't have scripts for and why that makes the healing so much harder. We share deeply about our own experiences, we talk about Meenadchi’s research, and we dive into the grief of friendship break-ups.
I hope this conversation gives you some of what I felt during this conversation – that you are not alone in this experience. The pain of friendship break-ups is real. Give yourself the space you need to grieve.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Meenadchi’s upbringing in a Sri Lankan immigrant community, where friendships are highly valued
- Her long-term friendship that ended at age 36 and her subsequent fascination with friendship breakups
- The vulnerability and intimacy shared in childhood friendships and the impact of losing such relationships
- The concept of a "line in the sand" for setting boundaries and moving forward in relationships; when do boundaries work, and when can friendships be repaired?
- The importance of community interconnectedness in healing from friendship breakups (plus, healing strategies, from letter-writing to the internet)
Resources & Links
Visit Meenadchi’s website, see her TEDx Talk, and follow her on Instagram.
In this episode I mentioned All About Loveby Bell Hooks.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
There is a message I keep getting in my DMs, and it breaks my heart every single time.
It’s too late for me to make friends. I’m too old. I’ve messed up. I missed the boat.
I get why people feel this way. Societel messages lead us to believe there is a point in our lives when, if we don’t have the community connections we want, then we will never have them.
But if you’re on the shore, watching your boat cruise away, I want to share with you a little secret: there is always another boat. The key is to stop thinking of friendship and community as something “happening” to you and instead as something you are actively building.
One of the joys of being an adult is that you get to CHOOSE who you are surrounded by. How to start? Literally, from any place, under any circumstances.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The challenges of transitioning from surface-level friendships to deeper, more meaningful connections
- My tackling the limiting belief that there isn’t enough time to build friendships, even if you’re only living in a place temporarily
- Why it’s never too late to change patterns and grow new roots with new or old friendships
- When social anxiety, a major life shift, or feeling “out of practice” makes social situations feel awkward – and my advice for this
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 12 about emotional intimacy roots, Episode 69 about learned loneliness, and Episode 49 about navigating small talk.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Lots of people tell me they want couple friendships – you know, those picture-perfect foursomes you see in movies, where everybody gets along effortlessly.
Here’s the truth: couple friendships are complex! Why? Because you’re not just making friends couple-to-couple. You’re actually building FOUR SEPARATE FRIENDSHIPS at the same time.
My husband and I have lots of couple friendships – probably more than 20 – and they range from old friends to new friends, close friends to casual friends. Some we might have over for dinner, some we travel and spend holidays with.
This episode covers the real dynamics of couple friendships: what makes them work, what complicates them, and how to strengthen them over time.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The different dynamics to manage in couple friendships, including individual friendships in the couple and the dynamics when all four are together
- Being aware and respectful of the different levels of closeness within the group; it might be a combination of present friends, historic friends, familiar friends, etc.
- How to find couple friends, from leaning into existing friendships to meeting new people in your community
- Navigating complications with couple friendships, from life changes (a move or the introduction of kids) to divorce
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 28 about adult slumber parties with Dr. Erika Michalski.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Calling someone you haven’t spoken to in two years isn’t weird; it’s just being human.
Today’s guest is Jacob Marquez, also known as J. Henry, a Seattle-based tech entrepreneur and musical artist whose approach to relationships challenges a lot of conventional friendship wisdom.
Jacob is the founder of Seattle’s Best Brunch, bringing creatives together to collaborate and spotlight each other’s work, and he’s developing an app that helps people nurture their relationships.
What drew me to Jacob wasn’t what he was building but how he approaches connection. He’ll call someone out of the blue after years of silence, and he thinks that friendships can be reciprocal – even if one person talks about themself the whole time.
Our conversation touches on everything including low-maintenance friendships, systems for connection, and the impact of redefining intimacy, and I think it will have us all thinking twice about our assumptions regarding how friendship should work.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Jacob’s work in community connection, including Seattle’s Best Brunch and his app, Connect, which provides systems for staying connected
- The different systems each of us uses to track and maintain friendships; plus, why it’s important to be open to change and growth in our friendships as time goes on
- Different ways friendships can actually be reciprocal – even if you don’t think they are at first glance!
- The entrances into different communities you could be finding just by being open and communicative about what you’re looking for
Resources & Links
On Instagram check out Jacob’s personal Instagram and his account for Seattle’s Best Brunch.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Cheer your friends on for hanging out with each other … even if it’s without you!
It might sound like counterintuitive friendship advice. But the truth is, when my friends have rich, full social lives, I actually benefit more than anyone.
In this episode, I’m going to share some stories where I have either encouraged my friends to make other friends or actually cheered them on for hanging out without me.
My friend who’s moved away and whose baby was in the NICU? I want her to have other mom friends! I want her to have friends who live CLOSE to her! Mostly, I want this for my friend’s well-being, but there are many benefits for me, too.
When my friends have rich social lives, it also enriches my social capital and puts less pressure on me to be EVERYTHING for them – which honestly is a healthier situation for all of us.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The friendship trio dynamic: why I’m not offended when the others hang out without me and the importance of one-on-one time even in a group
- The value of friends having diverse social networks, including activity-specific friends, life stage friends, and work friends
- Social capital and why having friends with a robust web of connections makes me feel more supported and connected, too
- Benefits of encouraging friends to make other friends, including reducing pressure and providing more niche support
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 12 about my roots framework.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Imagine you’re an expat in Berlin in the early 2000s, with no smartphones, no social media, and barely any internet. You walk down the street and spot someone wearing a T-shirt made by a friend from your past life in Baltimore. Do you approach them?
Well, that’s what today’s guest Amy Stafford did – and this moment led her to being part of the Lucky Trimmer, one of the most beloved dance festivals in Europe.
Amy isn’t even a dancer; she found her way into the community that builds this festival by offering what she was good at to something she was curious about. The festival has since grown into an international phenomenon and has guided Amy into her current design career as the founder of the Blixa 6 Studios.
In this episode, Amy and I talk about how small moments can lead to the most extraordinary ripple effects. Whether you're feeling stuck in your current social circles or wondering how to connect in a new city, Amy's story is going to show how the connections you're seeking might be closer than you think. You just have to say hello.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Amy’s initial encounter with a t-shirt in Berlin, which led to a friendship and eventually to her involvement with the Lucky Trimmer dance festival
- The importance of volunteering and contributing to a community to build social capital and create meaningful connections
- The power of small actions and moments of courage in creating significant changes and opportunities
- Saying yes to new experiences (!) and how it can lead to unexpected and fulfilling connections
Resources & Links
Check out Amy’s free coloring booklet and learn more about Lucky Trimmer.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
One of the best things about being part of a group – whether a book club, neighborhood, friend group, or formal community – is feeling like you belong to something.
But that feeling isn’t always instant; sometimes, if you’re new, you might wonder, at what point do I actually fit in? That’s what we’re talking about in today’s episode: what belonging to a group actually feels like vs. what we think it should feel like.
I want to reframe how we think about belonging. A lot of us might think it’s all-or-nothing, but I think there’s a spectrum to it. In some groups, feelings of belonging might be stronger than in others, and that’s okay.
How can we cultivate our connections in these groups to increase feelings of belonging? I offer some of my thoughts, but I also want to say, it’s okay to not feel close with everyone in a group. What matters is to lean into what feels right to you.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The four signs of belonging and why we need to look at belonging as a spectrum and not a black-and-white concept
- The impact of belonging on mental and physical health and how to use small intimacies as a way to build connections in a group
- Why sometimes senses of belonging fluctuate over time; plus, giving and receiving genuine interest
- The value in focusing on individual relationships within a group rather than the group as a whole
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection; Episode 74 about small intimacies; Episode 37 about nurturing feelings of belonging; and Episode 14 about friend groups.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Lately I’ve been hearing about how the price of community is inconvenience.
You know what I’m talking about: those posts about how, if you want a village, you have to be a villager. You have to give the rides, buy the gifts, and drop off the meals. But I think these messages focusing on inconvenience are missing the point.
Yesterday, I was at a baby shower for a friend who has wanted to be a mom for so long that I could cry thinking about how excited I am for her. Sure, buying presents and wrapping gifts are not my favorite ways to support people. At the same time, I was so unbelievably happy to be part of this celebration for her.
Isn’t helping your friends also, in some way, beneficial for YOU too? The inconvenient tasks on the surface level can be a burden, but I think the long-term payoffs are so worth it.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why I think these messages about the inconvenience of community is out there: we live in an individualistic society that focuses on self-improvement and achievement
- Finding ways to support your friends that are enjoyable but not burdensome; for me, this is cooking
- Why performing tasks to help our friends can be both burdensome AND joyful at the same time, and why I hate the idea of reciprocity
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 74 about small intimacies.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
When putting yourself out there, rejection is inevitable. But here’s a reframe you might need to hear: YOU are not being rejected. It’s only your OFFER that is being rejected.
Tanesha Moody was, at one point, drowning in rejection from every direction, from job applications to dating apps to her own friendships. Instead of retreating, she got curious and discovered the transformative power of separating rejection from yourself.
Today, Tanesha is a speaker, writer, and founder of Full Out Coaching, and she’s got amazing insight about how this simple reframe can impact how you show up and live your life.
Honestly, this conversation came at exactly the right moment for me. Sure, sometimes friends do reject core parts of who we are, but more often, they just reject a dinner invitation or don’t respond how we hoped they would in a text message. In some cases, rejection can bring people together and should be celebrated; after all, rejection is evidence that we tried.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Tanesha’s experience facing rejection from multiple aspects of her life, including job applications, dating apps, and friendships
- Reframing rejections as a step not a stop; a rejection is not necessarily to you but to the offer you made
- How Tanesha seeks rejection daily, plus, the benefits of rejection, including building resilience and fostering growth
- Using rejection parties as a way to celebrate and learn from rejection and build community
Resources & Links
Learn more about Tanesha’s business, Full Out Coaching.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Have you ever felt like everyone but you received some kind of friend-making manual?
Today’s guest, Lee Hopkins, is a social connections and business culture coach and CEO of Patterns of Possibility – but his journey to this work started with his own decades-long struggle.
In this episode, Lee shares about navigating friendship after recently learning that he has autism, and how this revelation has impacted his relationships with friends, family, and ultimately, his way of life.
Lee says what’s made all the difference for him in this journey of self-discovery has been boundaries, conscious conversations, and knowing himself. Once he stopped trying to fit into relationships that required him to mask who he was, it opened him up to the kinds of connection that actually nourished him.
If you're feeling stuck in surface level relationships or tired of feeling like you're always performing to be accepted, then maybe it's time to get curious about what authentic connection looks like for you.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Lee’s life-long struggle with making friends and how he discovered he had autism later in life through TikTok
- Common misconceptions about autism and how this diagnosis impacted how he communicated with the people around him
- The importance in understanding the communication gap between neurodivergent and neurotypical people
- Mentors, intentional conversations, and why we all need to stop comparing our relationships with other people’s
Resources & Links
Listen to other episodes about being a neurodivergent person looking for connection: Episode 40 and Episode 54.
Follow Coach Lee on Instagram, on his website, listen to his podcast, and see his free resource.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
It happens to all of us: you leave an interaction and realize the conversation was all about the other person. They didn’t ask a thing about you.
Today’s episode is about feeling ignored in conversations with friends. In these situations, it’s easy to play the blame game, but the truth is, we are all responsible for our half of the connection.
What do you say when a friend asks how you’re doing? Do you say “good” or “fine?” Or do you give an honest answer? How hard do we expect friends to work to extract information from us?
Here’s my challenge to you: in your next hangout, don’t deflect a question. Throw something out there you’ve never shared before. These details enrich relationships. Remember, your friends want to know you. Trust this, and take up a little space.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why sharing the silly details matter: they help open up conversations and allow your friends to know you better
- The importance of BOTH parties in the relationship contributing to a conversation; don’t deflect questions or give generic answers!
- Common concerns about not wanting to dominate the conversation (or share TOO much information)
- How I navigate not feeling left out when I’m in a conversation with people who share common interests with each other (but not with me)
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 12 about emotional intimacy roots.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Sometimes to feel closer to our friends there’s this pressure to share our most vulnerable feelings or unearth some deep, dark secret.
But what if I told you there are more ways to feel connected to our friends that are actually simpler, easier, and more common? That in fact, there are DOZENS of ways we’re trying to open up to each other, but because they’re not “big” shares, they’re often overlooked?
I believe we are all missing out on small moments of connection with our friends, and in this episode, I’ll describe this concept that I’ve mentioned many times but never dug into: small intimacies.
My hope with this episode is to offer ways to shift the friendship culture and pay more attention to those small bids of connection, because as I’ve said before, friendship doesn’t have to be “all or nothing.” Sometimes those small intimacies are more than enough.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Definitions of vulnerability and rejection and the roles they play in whether or not we allow small intimacies
- Examples of small intimacies that are overlooked in friendship, from inviting somebody into your house to telling the truth when somebody asks how you are
- Topics that are vulnerable or considered big shares for some people but not for others, which can be both “positive” and “negative” shares
- The cycle of overthinking what we share to our friends and how we can open ourselves up to small intacies
- The Roots of Connection framework which I talk about more in Episode 12
Reflection Question:
Spend some time thinking about some of the ways you could let people into your life through small intimacies. What are some things you could offer? How can you offer this up more regularly?
Notable Quotes:
“We get this hyper-focus on the big things. And yes, those are great. It feels great to be let in on your friends’ big moments. We talk so much about wanting that. But while we're sitting here waiting for that and focused on that, and focused on what isn't there in our friendships, we are often missing what is there or holding back what could be there.”
“So often on this podcast we talk about what is enough in our friendships. We talk about not forcing everything to be all or nothing: letting things live in the gray, letting things live on a spectrum, letting things build up to have a cumulative impact. And at the end of the day, I really think that is the whole point of the concept of small intimacies.”
Resources & Links
Learn more about my roots framework! And be sure to listen to Episode 12 if you haven’t already.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Your village is out there, waiting for you. It might even be knocking on your door, and you haven’t realized.
People often think they need to make enormous shifts to find community; they need to move to a tiny village on the other side of the world or into a compound in the woods. But that’s not true. Here’s what you actually need: subtle shifts and a willingness to be uncomfortable.
So many people talk about how they want a village, and yet, I see them rejecting the small changes they need to make to let their villages in. They won’t accept help – a ride to the airport, a babysitter, a pre-cooked meal – because they don’t want to put a person out or let go of control.
I can offer to pick up your groceries or watch your children over and over again. I am choosing that; I want to be in community with you. But at the end of the day, you have to want that, too. We need to co-create this relationship and support system together.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Community, which is cited as the answer for societal issues like childcare/elder care shortages, mental health issues, etc. – but rarely is there advice on how to find it
- The idea of “hiring” a village – a message families often hear – for grocery pick-ups, babysitting, Uber rides, etc.
- Rejecting help when you need it because you feel like you can’t accept unpaid help or are unwilling to let go of control
- The level of internal required to step off the hamster wheel and be willing to feel discomfort in either asking for help or offering it
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 8 with my friend Adrienne about building a friendship community for her family.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This whole podcast was only a dream a couple years ago, and here we are now with 100 episodes. Thank you for being here, for listening, and for sharing these conversations with your friends.
In this episode, I share some life updates and talk intensely about the Wheel of Connection (view this visual diagram!), which is a foundational concept to my work. I give an overview about each of the categories, and at the end of the episode, I talk about how to do a basic Wheel of Connection audit.
You deserve Level 10 support, and hopefully this helps you to take more intentional action to develop the connections you need for this season of life.
Want to go even deeper? Sign up for my newsletter to receive more information, including announcements about my forthcoming book and the Wheel of Connection audio guide.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Life updates regarding my health, two Taylor Swift concerts, and the major milestone of this episode
- The Wheel of Connection: why I made it, why it’s round, why it looks different for everyone
- How your own Wheel of Connection is constantly changing: people move between categories, and different categories grow and shrink depending on your needs
- Wheel of Connection components: family of origin; family of choice; formal community; acquaintance; and familiar/defined/present/historic friend
- How the Wheel of Connection and Roots Framework work together, and how to conduct a Wheel of Connection audit
Resources & Links:
Here are some visuals of the Wheel of Connection and my Roots framework. Want more? Sign up for my newsletter to receive more information, including announcements about my forthcoming book and the Wheel of Connection audio guide.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
About three years ago, many of my friends moved away within a six month period.
While I was excited for these friends, I also grieved; my friends are my main support system, my family. How would I keep these friendships alive? I invested a lot of energy into thinking about it, through which I developed what I’m tentatively calling the “Your People” framework.
The best way to think about this framework is to imagine a tree. Trees start as seeds, and then you provide them with nutrients and soil. Over time, trees grow roots. Some roots get really thick and strong; some grow deep. Some grow offshoots. The more roots that grow, the more stable the tree.
In my friendship theory, there are three kinds of roots, which I’ll dig into today. My hope is that this framework and language helps people think about these relationships and consider what actions to take to build better versions of our friendships.
Want more information? Visit my website! In this episode you’ll hear about:
- SHARED EXPERIENCE ROOTS and their offshoot roots – i.e., when you’re doing something related to the shared experience root, but in a way you’re comfortable
- EMOTIONAL INTIMACY ROOTS – what we know about our friends and our shared memories – plus shared/overlapping history roots and big/small intimacies
- STORY ROOTS – the beliefs you have about your friendships, and how we come to develop those beliefs
- How letting roots (i.e., friendships) die is not a bad thing – we can’t be in high school geometry class forever – but it doesn’t mean it’s not a sad thing
- How to keep these friendships thriving as we grow and change, and how to replace dead story routes with simpler, more straightforward story roots
- One of the biggest problems when it comes to adult friendships – plus, the REAL foundations of these friendships
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
[REPLAY] FOUNDATIONAL FRIENDSHIP IRL EPISODE
This month, I’m replaying four episodes that I consider FOUNDATIONAL to understanding all other Friendship IRL episodes. These are the episodes that break down the frameworks and mindset shifts you need to build the connections you want.
EPISODE DESCRIPTION
Today’s foundational episode tackles this ONE question: What is a friend, really?
A lot of people are walking through life focusing on what isn’t there when it comes to friendship. There’s somehow an arbitrary marker of “we are friends!” that most people can’t even articulate. The truth is, it doesn’t have to be so black and white.
If you’ve ever thought, “I wish I was closer to that person” or “Our friendship used to feel different!”, prepare to see things differently once you learn about the 4 types of friends we all have in our lives, and how we can come to appreciate all of these friends in their own unique ways.
This framework takes the pressure off trying to make every friendship “best friend” level and helps you understand what you actually need from your social connections.
WARNING: You’ll see all of your friendships differently after this one.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why we’re holding ourselves back from experiencing true friendships
- The difference between “Familiar Friends”, “Defined Friends”, “Present Friends”, and “Historic Friends”
- The beauty of taking small actions over time with our friends (it all adds up!)
- What emotional intimacy roots are and why they are key to sustaining close and supportive friendships
- Moving through the peaks and changes of friendships in our life, especially when one moves away or gets a new job
- Holding on to our friendships more loosely, vs. gripping on so tight
Reflection Question:
In which “bucket” do you have the most friends? Is there a small action you can take today to make a friend feel appreciated?
Notable Quotes from Alex
“I have this belief that if we untangle the ways we are connected, we will realize we are more connected than we initially thought. And that might help us to appreciate the spectrum of friendships versus waiting for some arbitrary threshold to see someone as valuable in our life.”
“Small actions add up. Sometimes I think we forget that our closest friends were at one point just people. They walked down the hall. They were another person wearing a similar sweater and we said, “Hi”, we sat next to them in class and started chatting. We learned we were both going to be on the soccer team. And back then, we saw that simple building as valuable, like there was potential. So tap back into that. Let the small things be worthwhile.”
Resources & Links
Learn more about emotional intimacy roots on my blog.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Quality over quantity – you’ve probably heard this phrase when it comes to friendship, right?
So many of us strive for a few “quality” all-encompassing friendships, thinking that’s better than having lots of less intimate friends. But is that way of thinking actually limiting us?
There will be times in your life – maybe as a new parent, or after a loss – when you’ll gravitate toward the friends who can relate to your situation, even if they’re not those “quality” all-encompassing friends. Sometimes quality is specificity, not comprehensiveness.
Similarly, I want to reframe the idea of “quality time.” Is quality time having those uninterrupted windows with friends? Or is it actually doing the everyday things together?
My hope is to help reduce some of your friendship anxiety: to give you permission to stop “performing” friendship and just BE IN friendship.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why some friendships feel effortless (and why I’ll argue they actually haven’t really felt effortless forever – you’ve already built muscles navigating awkward situations!)
- “Quality” pockets of uninterrupted time vs. folding your friend time into your everyday life activities (plus, all the things you learn about your friends while doing the latter)
- When quality can be specificity and not necessarily comprehensiveness: a friend who can offer specific support in a specific moment
Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Picture this: you're staring at a text thread with your friend, and you realize you've had the same argument three times the past month. You love this person … but right now, you kind of can't stand them.
Today, we're talking about friendship pauses. Let me be clear: this isn't ghosting, breaking up, the silent treatment, or a passive-aggressive power move. A friendship pause is an intentional choice to create space to reflect, make changes, and do some individual growth.
Here’s the caveat: the eventual goal is to actually do the work to REPAIR the friendship.
Michael and I use this phrase in our marriage that I think applies to friendships, too. Every time you work through a lower low, you reach a higher high. Instead of thinking of a friendship pause as sad, think of it as a possibility for this whole new version of a friendship that you’re going to feel more aligned with.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Reasons a friendship pause might be necessary, including communication issues, energy or emotional issues, and changes in life circumstances
- Questions to ask yourself before you take a friendship pause, like, what’s the reason for the pause? Are you willing to do the work to repair this friendship?
- Why working through a low point in a friendship can lead to stronger beliefs and a more resilient connection
Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Have you ever moved somewhere new and felt like you were on the outside looking in?
This was Charlotte Massey when she moved to Seattle in the midst of the pandemic, when making friends was borderline impossible. Instead of accepting isolation, she got strategic about it. We’re taking friend-dating spreadsheets and sales funnel approaches.
Charlotte is the executive director for the Seattle chapter of the U.S. Chamber of Connection, a new civic organization tackling the loneliness epidemic, and founder of the Seattle Picnic Society. In this episode, she offers so much inspiration and great advice for those not feeling connected where they’re at.
Whether you're new to your city or you've been there for years, the principles are the same. Get specific about your invites. Show up consistently. Don't be afraid to follow up multiple times. Most importantly, if the community you want doesn't exist, create it.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Charlotte’s move in 2021 and the challenges she faced, from the pandemic to the “Seattle freeze”
- How Charlotte used a sales funnel approach, “friend dating,” and intentional invites to connect new people
- The Seattle Picnic Society – picnics that grew from five to one hundred attendees, and how you could create something similar in your community
- Being bold and persistent in reaching out to potential friends and looking at how you can improve on the Six Points of Connection
Resources & Links
Learn more about the Seattle Picnic Society and the Six Points of Connection on the U.S. Chamber of Connection website.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Have you ever felt like you were the “extra invite?” The “filler friend?” The friend who gets invited to the big events but never the intimate gatherings?
There are lots of reasons people find themselves in this position. Maybe a big life change has altered friend dynamics; maybe you’re just in a totally new friendship group. But maybe you’re also exhibiting behaviors that are keeping you on the fringe.
If you want deeper friendships and to be part of more intimate gatherings, you can change this, and in this episode I offer tips on how to do this, from initiating invitations to focusing on the individual connections in your group.
But I also talk about the benefits of those “second tier” friendships. Don’t forget, they can still be beautiful connections in your life, even if they don’t become part of your inner circle.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- My friend who complained to me about always being the “extra invite” – and how she changed this to create a more fulfilling network
- The value in the Wheel of Connection in understanding the different kinds of friends, from familiar to defined connections
- Why fringe friendships can be beautiful and meaningful, even if they are not all-encompassing
- The benefits of strengthening relationships with each friend in a group, which consequently strengthens your connection with the group as a whole
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
There are songs about romantic heartbreak, but where are the songs about losing a friend who meant EVERYTHING to you? That’s what Leila Six and I want to know.
Today’s guest, Leila Six, is a singer-songwriter who is asking the hard questions about friendship in her music, using art to contribute to a culture that values all kinds of love, not just the romantic kind.
In this episode, we dive deep on why friendship deserves its own soundtrack, how art can help us process complex emotions, and what it looks like to be a social artist in a world that doesn't always value the art of connection.
Leila just released a new version of her song, “Glad,” which is her love letter to platonic love, and in order to spread the word, she’s hosting a contest! The prize? A copy of Shasta Nelson’s book, Frientimacy. The contest ends on the International Day of Friendship, July 30.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Challenges of voicing needs in friendships and the societal messages that friendship should be easy and effortless
- Learning to handle conflicts in friendships, similar to how we handle conflicts in romantic relationships
- The importance of having diverse relationships and maintaining proximity with friends, even if they are far away
- The lack of representation of real friendship experiences in media and art, often portraying friendship as overly romanticized or immature
Resources & Links
Follow Leila Six on YouTube, listen to her music (including “Glad!”), and enter her contest!
Listen to Episode 27 and Episode 69 about the loneliness epidemic; Episode 120 about how friendship is a political act; and Episodes 5 and Episode 7 with Alex Friedman.
Follow Shasta Nelson on YouTube and Instagram, and read All About Loveby Bell Hooks and How We Show Upby Mia Birdsong.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
A few years ago, five sets of my friends moved away within a six-month period. These people were my emergency contacts, the people I did Sunday dinners with. I was devastated.
This isn’t a unique experience; it often happens to people in their late 20s and early 30s, when life paths start to diverge. Friends get married and have kids. They travel the world and pursue their careers. The friendships start to feel different.
I call this phenomenon the great friendship shift, which I talk about today with Ericka Parker, founder and CEO of SILKENN (who is also host of the Boss Babe Reset podcast, which I was recently a guest on!). What do you do when your priorities have shifted so dramatically that your old ways of connecting don't work anymore?
When you look around and realize that your friendships feel different, it’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that you’re growing. The key is to be intentional about the connections you want to nurture, and to create new patterns that actually work for this version of your life.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The emotional experience of dealing with changing friendships, and how Ericka’s busy life has affected hers
- What Ericka set up for her “pineapple friends” that has been a game-changer for staying in touch despite moves and life changes
- Proximity friendships vs. intentional friendships, and the benefits of having different friends for different areas of life
- Being flexible and adaptable in friendships, and also, being respectful of each others’ seasons of life – plus, the amazing benefits of bragging about a friend
Resources & Links
Listen to the episode of Boss Babe Reset that I was a guest on! And see Blake Blankenbecler, a friendship therapist mentioned in this episode, and follow her on Instagram.
Listen to Episode 12 about the types of friendship roots, and listen to Episode 2, Episode 50, and Episode 63 about the value of having different friends in different areas of life. Plus, see Episode 20 and Episode 21 about navigating friendship shifts.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
The other day I was telling a friend about my goal to be better about responding to text messages in a more timely manner. My friend agreed: this was something I needed to work on! And this was fair. Other friends have called me out on this, too.
But after recent episodes about virtual communities, parasocial relationships, and online friendship, it hit me that I’m not actually bad at ALL digital connection; I’m just drawn to certain types.
In today’s episode, I delve into the spectrum of digital connection, which I’ve segmented into four levels: surface-level signals, active updates, intentional connection, and deeper dive connections. I cover the purpose and challenges of each and why they matter.
I hope this episode helps you find your “sweet spot” and figure out where you’d like to focus your digital attention, because here’s the thing about digital communication: it’s not just some optional add-on to friendship anymore.
Whether our friends live across the world or ten minutes away, bumping into each other online is one of the primary ways we connect these days, so strengthening this skill will only help your friendships.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- My four levels of digital connection: surface-level signals, active updates, intentional connection, and deeper dive connections, and examples for each
- Understanding our own strengths and weaknesses in digital connection and the practice it takes to become skilled in each format
- The value and challenges for each form of communication; for example, surface-level signals and active updates are easy to implement but can sometimes feel one-sided
- Common struggles in digital connection, including mismatched expectations, overwhelm, and guilt about missing updates, and how to manage these struggles
Resources & Links
Listen to my recent episodes on digital connection, including Episode 129 and Episode 130, about making friends online, and Episode 128 about parasocial relationships.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
In the past few episodes, I’ve talked about keeping in touch with friends through the digital space. This episode goes a step further: how do you MAKE friends online?
Today’s guests are Claudia and Marcela, the mother-daughter duo behind the Minded Society, which offers a supportive virtual environment for women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, with monthly events, book clubs, and personalized connections, helping members find authentic friendships across distances.
We dive into everything, from maintaining friendships across time zones to being intentional about using the digital world to form deep connections. If this sounds like something you’d enjoy, Minded Society is offering our listeners 50 percent off your first month, plus a free 14-day trial; use the code Friendship IRL on their website.
Technology isn't a barrier to deep friendship; if you use it right, it can be a bridge that leads you to the kind of people who make you feel less alone in the world.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The inception of Minded Society during the COVID-19 pandemic, driven by shared feelings of loneliness
- What Minded Society is: a community that helps women form authentic friendships despite living in different parts of the world
- The importance of effort in maintaining online friendships, regardless of proximity or technology, and how to channel that effort (voice notes, phone calls, FaceTime, etc.)
- Generational differences in communication preferences and balancing effort and respect for others' boundaries
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 127 about calling your friends and Episode 24 about using the Marco Polo app. In this episode I also mention my Roots framework.
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Are online friends REAL friends?
I’m not talking about parasocial relationships, which are one-sided relationships; I’m talking about people you’ve had conversations with, people who know things about you. My personal opinion is that they most certainly are.
In this episode, I talk in-depth about the difference between my friends I met in person and the friends I met online. I combat some of the pushback people have against people you meet online and highlight some of the benefits of online friendship, from global perspectives to professional support.
At the end of the day, true connection isn't about where it started or how it's maintained. It's about how we are showing up for each other and supporting each other, whether that’s across the dinner table or across the world.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How many of my current friendships started online, including podcast guests like Alex Friedman and Wesley Stroupe
- Where online friendships can form (business groups, social media, virtual reality forums, etc.) and how to maintain them (Zoom, Facetime, Marco Polo, social media)
- Finding niche friends online – for example, many of my professional friendships were formed in the digital space – and gaining global perspectives from them
- Common concerns about online friendships: Will they fizzle out? Are they surface-level? Who actually IS this person from the internet?
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 25 with Patrice Poltzer, Episode 48 with Michelle Reichman, Episode 72 with Wesley Stroop, Episode 44 with Deasha Waddup, and Episodes 5 and 7 with Alex Friedman.
Also be sure to listen to Episode 128 about parasocial relationships!
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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The term ‘parasocial relationship’ was coined in the 1950s by American sociologists Donald Horton and Richard Wohl to describe how people connected with TV personalities at the time.
Today, parasocial relationships have expanded to include celebrities, influencers, athletes – even podcast hosts! Social media in particular has taken parasocial relationships to a new level; it blows my mind how much I know about some people I’ve never met.
In this episode, I talk all about the parasocial phenomenon: the positive and negative attributes to parasocial relationships, why we reach for them, and how they’re impacting our real (two-sided) connections.
Parasocial relationships aren't inherently good or bad. They're just part of modern reality. They’re not going anywhere. So instead of judging them, maybe it’s time we get intentional about them. How can we use parasocial connections as a bridge to community rather than replacement for it?
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Stats to consider: 51 percent of Americans have parasocial relationships but only 16 percent actually acknowledge they’re in one
- How social media changed parasocial relationships, giving us more behind-the-scene access and real-time updates about the people we follow
- The emotional energy we invest in parasocial relationships and how they can impact real-life friendships, causing relationship distortion
- How parasocial relationships can fill emotional needs, reduce stigma, provide behavioral modeling, and form communities in marginalized groups
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 104 with Sharon Walters about how to get less passive and more active on podcasts and social media; Episode 91, about how to stop dreading parties and take charge of your guest experience; Episode 38 and Episode 39, about third places; and Episode 127, which is about calling your friends.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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When was the last time you just called a friend because you wanted to talk?
We carry these super computers in our pockets, but sometimes, using them to stay in touch feels more complicated than ever. There are some people we can ring spontaneously. Others require multiple rounds of scheduling.
This episode is about the gap between wanting to stay connected and actually doing it. Today’s guest Mark Houghton, doesn’t just relate to this problem; he decided to solve it by creating the SoonCall app, which tracks connections and reminds you when it’s time to reach out.
Here, Mark and I dive into the complexities of staying in touch. What I love most about our conversation? Mark has normalized something we’ve all been feeling guilty about: the mental load of maintaining modern friendships, and how some of us need a little extra help.
Intrigued by SoonCall? Mark has created a special offer for Friendship IRL listeners with six months of free access to SoonCall pro.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How the SoonCall app was created out of Mark’s own personal need to manage long-distance friendships
- Features of SoonCall, from tracking calls to reminding us of birthdays and important dates
- Having open conversations with our friends about how they feel about different kinds of connection, including spontaneous calls
- Using SoonCall and other tools as ways to support (not replace!) personal interactions
- The exclusive SoonCall offer for Friendship IRL listeners: six months of free access to SoonCall Pro
Resources & Links
More on friendship goals: listen to Episode 23, where I talked about my personal friendship goals, or Episode 60, where I dive into why friendship goals matter and how to make them.
Be sure to read Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the Worldby Priya Vulchi and her first book, Tell Me Who You Are: Sharing Our Stories of Race, Culture, and Identity, which she wrote with Winona Guo.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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Sometimes friendship can be a powerful force for social and political change.
This is according to today’s guest, Priya Vulchi, author of the newly-released (and AMAZING!) Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the World, which offers a resounding cry that friendship is vital, not just for individual well-being, but for humanity itself.
Priya is the co-founder of the nonprofit, Choose; was the youngest TED resident ever; has been published in places like The New York Times and Time Magazine; and is pursuing her Ph.D. in African and African American Studies at Harvard as a presidential scholar.
In other words, she knows what she’s talking about. But here’s why I’m excited about this conversation: we talk about how real authentic friendship is actually RADICAL and can change the world, challenging the status quo and causing people to care about issues simply because they impact the people they love.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Aristotle's three types of friendship – utility, pleasure, and virtue – and how these definitions still apply today
- How friendship challenges capitalistic models of overconsumption and self-reliance by relying on friends for favors instead of Uber or Amazon
- How friendship can be political, requiring people to challenge their self-interests and deepen relationships
- The concept of heteros, or political friendship, and how it is as important as philia, or friendship of virtue; plus, the importance of joy in friendships
Resources & Links
Be sure to read Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the Worldby Priya Vulchi and her first book, Tell Me Who You Are: Sharing Our Stories of Race, Culture, and Identity, which she wrote with Winona Guo.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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Have you ever stopped to think about what connection actually IS? How do you define the multi-faceted thing that we talk about all the time on this podcast?
That’s what our guest, Dr. Adam Dorsay, is tasked with in this episode.
Dr. Dorsay is a licensed psychologist, executive coach to high-achieving adults in Silicon Valley, host of the award-winning podcast, Super Psyched, and presenter of two amazing TEDx Talks. Today he discusses his new book, Super Psyched: Unleash The Power of the Four Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love (which I highly recommend).
This interview was so inspiring to me; I think the two of us could have talked for days. One of my biggest personal takeaways is to pay attention to not just my connection with others, but also my connection to the world and to something greater.
Listen in as we discuss the four types of connection and how to find the right combination for ourselves. Spoiler alert – it’s not a one-size-fits-all.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- What connection is – Dr. Dorsay defines it as an emotional internal response – and the four different types
- Anecdotes and practical tips to enhance connection, such as using a "driveway test" to evaluate interactions and employing a "walk-on song" to boost confidence
- The importance of self-connection – including self-awareness and self-love – which is the foundation of all other connections
- Societal pressure to appear cool and how it can hinder genuine connection (and why we should allow ourselves to experience awe and excitement instead)
- Alexithymia, the spotlight effect, plus, how we psyche ourselves up for small talk
Resources & Links
Read Super Psyched by Adam Dorsay, listen to his TEDx Talks, and listen to his podcast, Super Psyched.
Check out Dr. Adam Dorsey's book "Super Psyched" and his TEDx talks for further insights on connection.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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Who in your life are you most consistently connected to? Is it a partner? A roommate? A friend, sibling, or parent?
Now tell me this: when was the last time you wanted to lean into an interest, and you automatically asked this particular person to join … even though it wasn’t their thing?
I call this the “easy ask,” and I think it’s a universal experience. I came up with the term years ago when I asked my partner Michael to go shopping with me, even though he doesn’t enjoy shopping. (Spoiler alert: he didn’t want to go.)
There are times when the easy ask is okay, and there are times when you should work a little harder to find a more suitable person to join – or just go about it alone.
I hope this episode gets you thinking: Where in your life are you making the easy ask? And what is the impact of this in your experiences and your relationships?
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How the "easy ask" often stems from convenience and familiarity, rather than a genuine desire for the experience
- Times when the easy ask makes sense, like when you need help with certain tasks or when that person has expressed interest
- Hidden costs of the easy ask, from strained relationships to missing out on opportunities to connect with friends who’d actually enjoy this activity
- Why it benefits to choose the less convenient but more meaningful connection over the easy option
Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
A few months ago, I made a professional connection, and the energy felt good.
As we neared the end of our working relationship, I realized I didn’t want this connection to end – but there was no logical way for us to get together. We weren’t in the same industry. I didn’t know if we had overlapping hobbies.
The whole situation got me thinking about this weird gray zone we sometimes find ourselves in when we can’t rely on proximity to make friends. It can be awkward … almost like dating! But unlike dating, friendship expectations can be unclear. Will this be a close friend? Or an acquaintance? What do you actually want to come out of this connection?
There will probably always be uncomfortable moments in new friendships. But I believe that if we talk about it, then hopefully we can accept that this is a normal part of the process and keep pushing forward.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The gray zone of making new friends and the importance of proximity and consistency
- Vulnerabilities in starting new friendships, including admitting we want to hang out with this person again
- The tendency to overthink messages and interactions, and how sometimes making new friends is like starting a new exercise routine
- Pushing through the discomfort of “friend dating” and navigating things like health restrictions in social settings
Resources & Links:
Check out the roots framework as featured in Episode 12.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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Do you ever think about how one small act of kindness can literally change the direction of someone's life? What if YOU could cause that turning point?
Today I’m sitting with Bryan Driscoll, author of The Goodness Game, who took an act of kindness he received 20 years ago in Orlando and, with the help of a Craigslist ad, paid it forward in a way that made national headlines and enormous ripple effects.
What I love most about this conversation? He shows it’s not about trying to change the world overnight. It's about the small choices we make every day, and the consequent ripples that touch not just the people we help, but also their friends, and their friends of friends.
If you've ever wondered if those small acts of kindness really matter, or if you're feeling a little bit overwhelmed by all the negativity in the world, this episode is for you.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Bryan’s journey on a Greyhound bus to Florida and the kindness of several strangers who helped him find a place to stay (and one woman who let him stay in her house!)
- Social trust: what it is (essentially, our faith in strangers), its historical significance, and its decline in modern society
- The importance of curiosity and discomfort in driving positive change and the potential for small acts to create significant ripples
- How to use concepts from The Goodness Game, including “giving without remembering,” honing in on your helper style, and making acts of kindness enjoyable
Resources & Links:
Buy The Goodness Game by Bryan Driscoll and visit goodnessgame.com.
And here’s some more information about the study on social trust that was mentioned in this episode.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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There are endless ways to make friends as an adult, and today we’re diving into one I have never covered before: speed friending.
To some of you, this will sound terrifying at first, but stick with me, because it’s actually pretty brilliant! Today’s guest is Georgia Huntley, founder of Friends of Friends, who is doing something really special in the friendship space.
Georgia hosts speed friending events that are designed to make meeting new people feel fun and effortless. In today's episode, we’ll cover what actually happens at these events and what to do if you're sitting there thinking this sounds terrifying.
Her advice if you ever attend an event like this? Take some pressure off and practice the art of being both interested and interesting. Have a little fun, learn something new, and approach your experience with curiosity. (Which is also great advice for making friends in general!)
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The origin of Friends of Friends, which started as an online community and evolved into in-person events (its third iteration had 85 people!)
- The bar that asked Georgia to host a speed-friending event because staff noticed people weren’t socializing inside like they used to
- Third places, how they’re disappearing, and what impact this has on making friendships as an adult
- The setup of a typical speed friending event, why they have been so effective, and how you might mimic something similar where you are
- Advice on how to attend an event like this, from being curious to taking pressure off
Resources & Links
Follow Georgia on Instagram!.
Listen to Episodes 38 and 39, which go deep into third places.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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During the pandemic, like many others, I felt politically charged, and I channeled this energy into being an online warrior.
On social media, I reposted it all, making it clear where I stood – only to realize this wasn’t my highest use. I wasn’t actually reading the books or taking the actions. I wondered: what could I do instead? That’s how I ended up here.
Real community requires something most Americans are terrified of, which is compromise. It requires letting go of the “all-or-nothing” mindset and finding common ground. It means being willing to give up some of our freedoms for real security and support.
Today I share some of my political beliefs and what I’ve been doing instead of being an “online warrior.” I’m not saying this is how you should show up. It’s just how I do. At the core of it all, my fundamental belief is this: as humans, we need to care more about each other.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- My own political beliefs regarding religion, gun reform, human rights, climate change, marriage equality, church-state separation, human services programs, etc.
- Pitfalls of simply reposting political content without taking action and the importance of having meaningful conversations
- The danger of polarization and the “all-or-nothing” mindset and the importance of finding common ground to foster understanding and connection
- The power of small shifts, plus three things I’m doing in my everyday life instead of being the online warrior
Resources & Links
Read the book I quote in this episode, Democracy in Retrogradeby Sami Sage and Emily Amick.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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Are you enjoying your friendships? Are you able to be present with your people and soak up your time together?
So often, people focus on what’s missing in their friendships. They have this idea of what “peak” friendship might look like, which gets in the way of being grateful for what is there.
I’m here to remind you that there is a stark contrast between HAVING connections and ENJOYING them. And this isn’t just regarding our closest friends: how grateful are you for the acquaintance at the coffee shop? For your child’s teacher, your hair stylist, or the people you work with?
Today I talk about what might be getting in the way of your enjoyment, and I offer tips on how to be more present and happy while with friends.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Mental chatter and the fear of being “too much” or “not worthy,” and how this limits enjoyment in our friendships
- Friendship baggage, anxiety about the future, and working on receiving connection, even just small gestures from community members
- The present distractions that get in the way of enjoying friendships (mostly, it’s the phones)
- The idea of “storing up connection for later” and multitasking during friend time – and why this doesn’t always work
Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
One of you asked me an amazing question the other day:
If you could tell your younger self one thing about friendship, what would you tell her?
I spend so much time thinking about community and connection – probably much more than the average person – and I have learned a lot since my youth. Some realizations I’m having at 35 are realizations a lot of people might not have until they’re middle aged.
No matter your age, there are likely things you wish you could go back and tell younger you. We are always growing and changing as friends. We are always learning.
In today's episode, I’ll cover what I've learned about choosing friends, being a friend, and friendship transitions – plus some final advice I would give younger me.
Now that I’ve shared my thoughts, tell me: what would you tell your younger self? Send me a message on Instagram!
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- What I did a good job with in my younger friendships, including building community, choosing friends well, and not letting status quo drive friendships
- The constant need I had to be worthy of friendships and how this affected my behavior and relationships
- The inevitable heartbreak in friendships (especially one-sided friendships) and the importance of feeling that heartbreak and moving past it
- The value of working on communication skills to improve friendships and learning from every interaction
- How what a “good friend” is changes through every life transition, from middle school to college and beyond
Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Do you ever drive past a former friend’s house and find yourself flooded with memories?
Suddenly, you start thinking: what would it be like if you still talked? Maybe it’s just a fleeting thought, but maybe this thought really stings. As much as we like to think of certain friendships being “done,” it’s never really the case.
Today’s episode is about the friendship that got away. What causes us to become less close? Why do some friendships stay with us? How do you know if you should keep trying? When should you let it go?
There are so many lessons you learn from a friendship, so even if it ended, it’s not a failure. It helped you grow into the person you are, and it is going to be worthwhile in the community you are creating and investing in.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The friendship fade, and why this happens (see my Roots framework): life changes, and responsibilities lead to a drift
- When paths diverge, it requires work to build new friendship roots; for example, when my friends started having kids, we needed to find new ways to spend time together
- How hard it can be to separate the past from the present and the nostalgia associated with past friendhips
- What you should ask yourself if you’re looking to reconnect with an old friend, and the importance of letting yourself grieve if you decide to let it go
Resources & Links
See my Roots framework, and listen to last week’s Episode 114, about the friendship guilt spiral, Episode 115, about pet peeves, and Episode 25 about friendship break-ups.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Everyone’s allowed to have pet peeves. It’s normal and bound to happen.
In this episode, I talk about common pet peeves; my friends’ pet peeves; and my own pet peeves. Do you ignore them? Deal with them? (Also, how DO you deal with them?)
Some people say to write off friends whose tendencies are driving you crazy. My thought: it’s a lot of work to make new friends! What if we instead navigated that conflict and created a feedback culture in our friendships?
These confrontations don’t have to be big blow-outs. In fact, I hope they’re not; I hope you get to them before they reach that point.
Like with most things, there is no overarching solution. It’s acceptable to be annoyed with your friends, and it’s also acceptable to give feedback and work through it, because that’s how friendships grow.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The idea for this episode (and where ideas for this show come from); I promise, I am not actively angry with any of my friends right now!
- Common pet peeves, from phone-interrupted conversations and last-minute cancels to the friend who always tries to fix it
- How I’ve addressed my own pet peeves and discovered my friends’ pet peeves by paying attention to subtle feedback
- Addressing pet peeves BEFORE they become major issues and how to give feedback in a thoughtful and non-accusatory manner
- Getting to the root cause of the frustration and giving friends time to reflect on the feedback – and know that initial reactions might be defensive
Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Recently, I left a text message from a friend unanswered for ten days.
It’s not something I’m proud of. All I needed to do was respond to this friend, but the more time that passed, the more it felt like a bigger response was needed.
For ten days, I woke up, knowing I needed to respond to this text message, feeling worse and worse. Then, yesterday, I told myself, if there is one thing I do today, it is respond to this text message, because I can’t carry this guilt on my shoulders anymore.
Today’s episode is about the phenomenon of the friendship guilt spiral. It happens when we don’t act in the way we think we should act, and it turns into an enormous weight we carry. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I do have some tips for dealing with it.
Most important is to remember that we are all human, and friendship guilt spirals happen! Give yourself some grace. Your friend will probably understand.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The friendship guilt spiral: when we don’t act the way we think we should to a friend which results in escalating feelings of guilt
- Special occasion fails – for example, when I tried to make up for missing my friend’s wedding by planning a celebration, which never materialized
- Pressure to be the "perfect friend" and the guilt that comes with not meeting those expectations
- How acknowledging and addressing the guilt (and also starting small!) can keep it from escalating out of control
Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Have you ever had to FIGHT somebody in order to help them?
I’ll bet we all have that friend who meets you with resistance when you offer to show up for them. “It’s too much,” they tell you – even if it’s no trouble at all.
Today, we continue our conversation about giving and receiving support with Laura Malcolm, the founder and CEO of Give InKind, a one-stop social support platform where you can organize all you might need to help somebody: meals, rides, GoFundMe updates, you name it.
Laura shares her beautiful story about how she created Give InKind and how she sees people utilizing the service today. Some use it to organize care for a family going through pediatric cancer; others use it to plan whose turn it is to call Grandma.
One of the most important things we cover is that we are ALL worthy of support, no matter our socioeconomic status, no matter how “not bad” we have it. Because honestly, it’s not always about the help itself – it’s also about the gesture, making us feel connected and cared for.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Give InKind, a one-stop-shop for helping friends and family in hard situations, with places to organize meal trains, grocery store trips, pet sitting, wish lists, etc.
- The idea for the service, which came about when Laura and her husband lost their first child to stillbirth and her coworkers set up a meal train for them
- Ring Theory, the vulnerability it takes to give/receive support, plus, what people were asking for on Give InKind that threw Laura off guard
- Why part of support is about connection and the act itself – no socioeconomic status is more or less deserving, and you don’t need to be in an emergency to receive care
Resources & Links
Want more on giving and receiving support? See Episode 112 and Episode 113. Be sure to check out Give InKind and the Ring Theory I mentioned in this episode.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
I used to love being the “strong friend.” For awhile, it was a large part of my identity, and I’d brag about dropping anything to help a friend in need.
In retrospect, it’s easy to see how being the “strong friend” came naturally to me. I had a complex, traumatic childhood, and as the eldest daughter, I became a caregiver at a very young age and dealt with a lot of unpredictable circumstances.
At school, I put myself in leadership positions where at the end of the day, the buck stopped with me, from becoming class president to varsity coxswain on the rowing team. But over time, it became clear this title – the “strong friend” – came at a cost.
That’s what today’s episode is about: the costs of being the “strong friend,” and how I eventually was able to remove myself from this role (which had its own costs). If you’ve ever played this role, I hope this episode gives you permission to make small shifts to lighten your load. I promise, those changes do add up over time.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How being the “strong friend” actually denied other people in my life the chance to show up for me and for each other
- The unsustainable patterns this dynamic created, going from one grand gesture to the next, and how this impacted school, work, and my partnership with Michael
- Choosing gestures that are actually not disruptive – for us, it’s company – vs. disruptive, like taking time off work to stay with somebody
- How I shifted some of these patterns, including learning to build bridges instead of boundaries
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 85 about shifting people-pleasing patterns and to Episode 112 about breaking the ways we show up into phases.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
At the time this episode airs, there are devastating wildfires in Los Angeles – and yet, I’ve seen some beautiful levels of response. When something bad happens, whether to one person or an entire community, people want to help.
Consequently, I’ve been thinking a lot about how people show up for one another. In a world where so many feel disconnected, helping someone else is a way to feel less alone.
Today’s episode is about how to be there for people during a loss. These ideas are applicable to anybody experiencing a tragedy, from losing their home to losing a loved one.
There is no perfect way to show up. Stop putting that pressure on yourself and be okay with the fact you’re probably going to make mistakes. If you’re in the middle of supporting someone now, know that you’re doing matters. Keep being brave enough to show up.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Being okay with discomfort and the fact that you can’t fix what’s happening to somebody – but you can provide support for them
- Looking at immediate needs first: do they have physical shelter, food, water, or clothing? Do they need a place to sleep for the night?
- My own personal experience receiving help after losing my mom at age 13 – plus, the realities of freeze state
- The value of specific offers, doing what you’re naturally good at, and coordinating with others via existing networks
- Dos and don’ts when it comes to supporting people going through hard times (for example, DON’T try to force silver linings; DO validate their feelings)
Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Think of a space you feel completely comfortable in that’s not your own home.
For me, it’s my grandparents’ house. I can easily picture their front porch, where my grandmother waited for us; the table we played cards at; and the garden, where I spent hours talking to them while picking green beans.
We’ve been trained by the internet to believe superficial details – like a perfectly styled coffee table or matching throw pillows – are what people remember about our homes. Consequently, many have anxiety hosting because their homes don’t look Instagram-ready
But the houses we see online are designed to be in magazines. They’re not real. Most people’s homes are messy and imperfect, which in a way makes them friendlier places to be. It’s not the aesthetic that makes them comfortable; it’s the memories made there with people.
So consider this your permission to host imperfectly, and to focus not curating space, but instead, on being present and holding space.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The bizarre age we live in, where we are inundated with perfect images of home from the internet, which is skewing our perception of what guests are looking for
- The comfort of imperfection – sometimes it’s nice to know it’s not just you whose living room is cluttered or whose freezer contains mangoes instead of ice!
- Rewiring our brains to focus on holding space vs. curating space (and why sometimes holding space is actually harder)
- What people are actually craving in a gathering: real connection, and to feel safe, comfortable, seen, and loved
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 6 about hosting and see some of my other free resources. Listen to Episode 38 and Episode 39 about third places and Episode 27 and Episode 69 about the loneliness epidemic.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Your village is out there, waiting for you. It might even be knocking on your door, and you haven’t realized.
People often think they need to make enormous shifts to find community; they need to move to a tiny village on the other side of the world or into a compound in the woods. But that’s not true. Here’s what you actually need: subtle shifts and a willingness to be uncomfortable.
So many people talk about how they want a village, and yet, I see them rejecting the small changes they need to make to let their villages in. They won’t accept help – a ride to the airport, a babysitter, a pre-cooked meal – because they don’t want to put a person out or let go of control.
I can offer to pick up your groceries or watch your children over and over again. I am choosing that; I want to be in community with you. But at the end of the day, you have to want that, too. We need to co-create this relationship and support system together.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Community, which is cited as the answer for societal issues like childcare/elder care shortages, mental health issues, etc. – but rarely is there advice on how to find it
- The idea of “hiring” a village – a message families often hear – for grocery pick-ups, babysitting, Uber rides, etc.
- Rejecting help when you need it because you feel like you can’t accept unpaid help or are unwilling to let go of control
- The level of internal required to step off the hamster wheel and be willing to feel discomfort in either asking for help or offering it
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 8 with my friend Adrienne about building a friendship community for her family.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
The year 2024 feels like an absolute whirlwind. Where did the time go?
Today’s episode was inspired by one of my podcast producers, Alison, who told me she loves episodes this time of year that take you behind the scenes, which feels good to me; I want to catch you up on what’s been going on.
As you may know, I’ve been struggling with health issues this year, so much of what you’ve been listening to was pre-recorded. But finally, in early November, I got diagnosed with a trio of chronic illnesses: Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, and Dysautonomia.
I had hoped to get more done in 2024, but getting closure on some long-standing issues has been a very good thing. And, even though I didn’t have capacity to work on the podcast very much, it has grown, with listeners from 138 countries and almost 4,000 cities.
There’s much in store for 2025, but I need your help. Please take my two-minute survey. Do you like solo episodes? Interviews? Grouped topics? Let me know so I can provide the content you crave. I hope the end of your year is filled with ease. See you in 2025.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- What this last year has looked like: being ill and finally getting diagnoses; moving; wonderful friendship moments
- My goals 2025: health stability, more investment in my community, and more connection to listeners via social media/internet
- Things to get out into the world in 2025: Freebies! Printed guides! Audio guides! And also, the book I keep talking about!
- Stats about the podcast (which has grown without any traditional marketing techniques!) and what I’d like to focus on in the coming year
Resources & Links
Please complete my survey so I can provide the kind of content you’re looking for in 2025.
Check out YearCompass, which helps you reflect on the past year and set goals for the next. Listen also to Episode 101 and Episode 108.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
I sobbed in the car about the holidays this week – but not for reasons you might think.
Here’s what made me emotional: I am so grateful and excited for the ways we are celebrating our holidays this year. It could not be further from the reasons I’ve car sobbed in years past.
Some of you are already excited about the holidays, and I love that for you. But that is not everyone’s experience, and for years, it was not mine. There was a period in my 20s when my partner Michael literally called me the Grinch. Holidays are often reserved for families – so where does that leave those of us who don’t have strong familial ties or want something different?
This episode is about how to create holiday traditions with your friends that feel GOOD, with practical advice on how to initiate these conversations and get the ball moving, with the hope that you too will dream up and work toward your own ideal celebrations, too.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- My personal relationship and evolution with the holiday season, from being the Grinch to crying in the car out of happiness for my holiday plans
- What I was looking for in my holidays, including togetherness, connection, and splitting the burden of the magic making
- The societal normals that often limit holiday options to family gatherings or solitude, and the third option I’m proposing: holidays with friends
- Initiating conversations with friends about getting together for the holidays – which often involves a little vulnerability
- The importance of patience and openness in creating new holiday traditions with friends
Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Traditions are incessant. They HAVE to keep happening. That’s what makes them traditions!
So how do you create traditions that stick around month after month, year after year? In my opinion, it’s all about sustainability. Traditions have to be something you can maintain on some level as life changes. Otherwise they fizzle out and aren’t traditions anymore.
In this episode, I offer tips on how to create traditions that are sustainable for all the people in your life, from your formal communities to your historic and present friends.
Traditions matter. They offer safety and security in our relationships by creating consistency and frequency with which we see each other. They don’t need to be elaborate or expensive or energy intensive; they just need to be meaningful and maintainable.
So start small. Be consistent. And let things evolve naturally over time.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- What traditions look like for formal communities, defined/historic/present friends, etc.
- Different options for touchpoints: in-person gatherings, text threads, virtual chats, neighborhood walks, porch parties, restaurant outings, etc.
- My own Thursday morning ritual with my business friends that has morphed into a Monday morning paddleboard meet-up
- Questions to ask when trying to decide if a tradition is sustainable – plus, let’s change the energy behind being the initiator!
- Questions to ask if you’re starting new traditions, including: what connections do you want to deepen? What’s already happening naturally that could be more intentional?
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection and Episode 52 about pulling off simple neighborhood gatherings.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
If you’ve listened to this podcast before, then you know the concept of the chosen family is very important to me personally.
Some people in my chosen family play a variety of roles. Some play just one. Some are back-ups; others are back-ups for my back-ups. Cumulatively, it all adds up: today I feel more supported than I ever have in my life.
I’ve talked about chosen families in other episodes – including Episode 16, about my friend Jeff’s, and Episode 19, about my own – but I’ve never done one like today’s, which delves deep into what a chosen family is; why it’s important; and how to build one yourself.
Chosen families are the people who catch you when you fall but also help springboard you to the next level. Even if you already have a strong familial support system, this matters: you could still be part of a chosen family for someone else.
Whether you’re building a chosen family out of necessity, like I did, or by choice, they matter. They make our lives richer, our support systems stronger, and our worlds a little bit better.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- What a chosen family is: people who choose you through their words, intentions, and actions (with you choosing them back)
- The fallacy of the “all-or-nothing” mindset of the chosen family and the different roles chosen family members can play: big, small, medical, etc.
- My breast-cancer scare and how I leaned on my chosen family while I had to wait for the mammogram and ultrasound
- Celebrating holidays, birthdays, vacations, and milestones with chosen family members and how to create traditions with them
- Ways we can support our chosen families – plus, the power of specific support offers (helping with a new baby; driving someone to doctor appointments, etc.)
Resources & Links
Listen to other episodes about chosen families, including Episode 19, “The One for Little Alex,” and Episode 16. Also be sure to listen to Episode 12, about my Roots of Connection framework.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
A few years ago, Debra Driscoll was living in Brooklyn, navigating a long-distance relationship and a life split between the city and the sea. Then, in 2020, her world was turned upside down.
Instead of seeing this as a setback, Debra took it as an opportunity to fast-forward her dreams and create something beautiful.
Now Debra is a spiritual teacher and energy guide who, from her home in Tobago, runs a thriving community, Big Life Magic, which is made up of people who are looking for a space to grow and transform, and for others to witness and celebrate their transformation.
Today’s episode is all about finding those spaces where we can truly show up as ourselves – not just who we are now, but who we dream of becoming, filled with people who believe that anything is possible for us.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Debra’s split life in New York City until 2020 – followed by her move to Tobago, where she started Big Life Magic, which focuses on spiritual guidance and energy work
- The concept of "believing mirrors,” where friends reflect and affirm each other's potential and dreams
- Not asking people about past or current selves, but instead: what do you want? Who do you hope to become? And how can I support you to get there?
- The power of getting out of your bubble and seeing other places, other people, and other ways to be in the world
- Advice for people looking to find similar transformational spaces for themselves and questions to ask themselves, like: what do I want in my life now? What do I need?
Resources & Links
Learn about Debra’s company, Big Life Magic, and her book, A Series of Surrendor: a Memoir of Grief.
See Friendship IRL Episode 91, “How to Stop Dreading Parties and Take Charge of Your Guest Experience.”
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Many times on this podcast, I’ve talked about how powerful virtual connection can be, with the caveat: are you ACTUALLY engaging, or are you just lurking?
Today we dive into connection through podcasts and social media, emphasizing active over passive consumption. Our guest is Sharon Walters, a coach and author who has made it her mission to transform gratitude from a reaction to an action.
In this episode, Sharon highlights the impact of positive feedback and genuine interactions. She uses social media to build meaningful relationships and supports content creators by sharing their work and closing the loop.
It’s easy to turn social media and podcasts into passive connections, but actually, they are brimming with opportunities for authentic relationships. There are real people behind the microphones and cameras, and it only helps to show them some love. So give them a like. Send them a message. You might even make a new friend.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- What it means to close the loop in virtual connections so that you’re actively participating instead of just lurking
- The possibility of virtual connection: Sharon’s friendships she’s made through social media or podcasts, and my own
- My challenge to you: if you’re listening to a podcast, and it’s not one of the chart-toppers, connect with them: send them a message, give them a like
- The importance of being genuine and authentic in online interactions (and also, the value of positive feedback for content creators)
Resources & Links
Sharon is a business owner, gratitude coach, fitness trainer, and author. Visit her website and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
I just got back from this wild, adventurous, 11-day road trip with my friend to see two Taylor Swift concerts on opposite sides of the country.
How did we make it happen? Partly, the stars aligned; partly, we’re privileged in that we’re self-employed, childless, and could afford it; but also, we just went for it. It was so fun and actually inspired a new goal: I want to go on a one-week girls trip sometime this decade.
By this point in my life, I’ve traveled a lot. I’ve had so many fun experiences with friends. I was able to do it because I stopped waiting for the stars to align, for that perfect thing to happen.
In this episode, I present a special call to stop saying the word someday. Someday I’ll go on that girls trip. Someday I will make it out to visit that friend. Someday we’ll take that vacation. Here, I offer four tips to help you just get that friend trip on the calendar.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- My trip with my friend: what we did, where we stayed, what the logistics looked like, and why it was so fun (but also, not the norm for friend trips)
- Starting with small gatherings – Slumber party! Staycation! Weekend away! Board game night! – which can help build momentum for larger trips
- Involving everyone in the process and giving plenty of time to plan for care and work arrangements (and how this can be part of the bonding experience with friends)
- Making the trip attainable and enjoyable for everyone involved, with focus on connection and relaxation, as opposed to creating the “ideal” vacation
Resources & Links
Interested in trying a slumber party with your friends? Listen to Episode 28.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
In this episode, I pull back the curtain on one of my own formal communities: the Toastmasters.
Today’s guest is Brendan Smith, a member of the Toastmasters chapter I was part of. Toastmasters is an international speaking club and educational organization, and for four years, Brendan and I met with the group every Thursday: sometimes online, sometimes in person; sometimes as presenters, sometimes as listeners.
We all shared a common goal – to become better communicators and speakers – but there was an underlying benefit, too. You get to know people in a formal community. Over time, you develop a feeling of belonging to it.
Since talking with Brendan, I have to admit, I did not renew my Toastmasters membership. I was not able to invest in it the way I felt I should have due to work and health stuff I’ve been going through. And though it’s not a part of my weekly schedule anymore, I have such fond memories of the Toastmasters. It will always be a valuable part of my story and community.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- What a formal community is and the importance of its regularity, from its structure to its shared goals
- What it was like joining Toastmasters with Brendan early COVID and what our club looked like: the variety of members of different ages, careers, and backgrounds
- The importance of discomfort, shared experiences, and informal interactions in building a strong formal community
- What we learn when we’re experiencing things with people – or talking with them “side-by-side” instead of face-to-face
Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This episode, about navigating friendship through chronic illness, is deeply personal to me.
In last week’s episode, I shared about my own recent health issues, but I think this information is good to have no matter your situation. Chances are, chronic illness will impact somebody in your life in your lifetime.
Today’s guest is Catherine, a business coach, founder of Catherine LifeDesign, and a survivor of chronic illness. Here, Catherine shares about her “perfect storm” of life events – including a miscarriage and Hashimoto’s disease diagnosis – that resulted in a severe health crash.
Chronic illness is hard. There is no exact solution on how to navigate friendships around this; it’s so personal and so nuanced. But my hope is that this one more story out there offers ideas on how to deal with this if it’s impacting your own life.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Catherine’s dream life: a successful business, a tropical Mediterranean home – and how it all fell apart with her three-year illness that stumped so many doctors
- The power of the friends who kept calling and asking how she was – a simple thing that offered comfort and support thousands of miles away
- The skill of managing your own emotional state and seeking the right support when you need it (and the importance of supplementing with professional support)
- The skill of rebuilding relationships, which Catherine learned on her healing journey, and how she views and interacts with friends now
- How friendship roots change when somebody goes through a major life change or illness (and how that impacts the work required to maintain the friendship)
Resources & Links:
Follow Catherine on Instagram and on her website.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This whole podcast was only a dream a couple years ago, and here we are now with 100 episodes. Thank you for being here, for listening, and for sharing these conversations with your friends.
In this episode, I share some life updates and talk intensely about the Wheel of Connection (view this visual diagram!), which is a foundational concept to my work. I give an overview about each of the categories, and at the end of the episode, I talk about how to do a basic Wheel of Connection audit.
You deserve Level 10 support, and hopefully this helps you to take more intentional action to develop the connections you need for this season of life.
Want to go even deeper? Sign up for my newsletter to receive more information, including announcements about my forthcoming book and the Wheel of Connection audio guide.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Life updates regarding my health, two Taylor Swift concerts, and the major milestone of this episode
- The Wheel of Connection: why I made it, why it’s round, why it looks different for everyone
- How your own Wheel of Connection is constantly changing: people move between categories, and different categories grow and shrink depending on your needs
- Wheel of Connection components: family of origin; family of choice; formal community; acquaintance; and familiar/defined/present/historic friend
- How the Wheel of Connection and Roots Framework work together, and how to conduct a Wheel of Connection audit
Resources & Links:
Here are some visuals of the Wheel of Connection and my Roots framework. Want more? Sign up for my newsletter to receive more information, including announcements about my forthcoming book and the Wheel of Connection audio guide.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Individualism is woven so deeply into the fabric of American culture that sometimes we don’t even notice it. But what if this cornerstone of our culture is costing us more than we realize?
Today’s guest is James F. Richardson, a cultural anthropologist who spent two decades studying American society – which included living a more communal life in South India for three years. His new book, Our Worst Strength, challenges our approach to individualism as a way of life.
I read the book, and it was interesting to notice what came up. Most eye-opening was realizing how deeply ingrained the individualism mindset is. I simultaneously didn’t like what I was reading about individualism and didn’t want to change anything about it.
Was this eye-opening for you too? Be sure to read James’s book and check out his substack. If you’re like me, thinking about what a number individualism has done on our lives, remember we can’t change this overnight. It takes small shifts over time to make big change.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How American society often values personal autonomy and freedom at the expense of responsibility and obligation
- Things that have affected communal interactions in America, from societal norms that prioritize achievement to the rise of modern media and entertainment
- Having meaningful conversations and sharing skills with friends instead of using friendship as a source of entertainment
- The need for community members to observe and inquire about the emotional well-being of others
- Getting comfortable with bringing together people who are in different phases of life; plus, why I hate the “200 hours to make a friend” stat
Resources & Links:
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Have you ever felt like you’re ALWAYS the one giving a shoulder to cry on – but don’t have one to cry on yourself?
I think it’s a common issue among friends. Personally, I used to brag about how I’d drop everything to help a friend in need – but I eventually discovered it wasn’t sustainable, and my friends didn’t reciprocate in quite the same way.
Today’s guest, Chrissy Marie, experienced similar issues, having always been the “space holder” or “fixer” for other people but never sharing the depths of her own emotions – which consequently led to one-sided connections.
Here, Chrissy – who is also a trauma-informed embodiment practitioner and founder of The Art of Aliveness podcast – shares her journey of unraveling these patterns and offers tips on how to build a diverse support network that holds space for ALL of you – no fixing required.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Chrissy experience being the “space holder” for other people and the watershed moment that cracked her open
- The fear of losing a friendship if you decide to pull back (and my own personal experience with this)
- Why, sometimes, being the “fixer” isn’t actually supporting people in the way you think it is
- The difference between allowing people to know something about you vs. allowing them to see your feelings and emotions about it
- Fire circles, reparenting the child inside you, a brilliant structure for a Zoom call, and filling the gaps with professional support
Resources & Links:
Be sure to follow Chrissy Marie on her website and listen to her podcast, The Art of Aliveness.
In this episode I mentioned Episode 49 about small talk; Episode 91, about taking charge of your guest experience; Episode 74 about small intimacies; and Episode 85, about shifting people-pleasing patterns.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Have you ever hesitated to set a boundary with a friend for fear of pushing them away?
Or, maybe you found yourself on the receiving end of unspoken expectations and left guessing what your friend truly needed.
Our friendships are some of the only relationships we have by choice – but sometimes that freedom can make us hesitate to trust. We’re subconsciously testing our friends, waiting for them to prove they will show up and listen. These tests can strain a friendship.
But what if setting boundaries didn’t have to be a test? What if instead we saw it as a bridge: a way to deepen the connection and show our friends how to love us better?
Today, I talk all about friendship boundaries with Zya Be, host of the podcast Your Hell Yes Life. We share real-life experiences with boundaries in friendship and stories about those bridge-crossing moments.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- When owning your “yes” is also about owning your “no” – and how to reassess boundaries that are no longer serving you
- Being cognizant and upfront about how you like spending time with people, plus, how to create bridges instead of boundaries
- Different ways you can take a “friendship pause” if a pattern isn’t working rather than immediately ending the friendship
- Small intimacies, self-love, self-care, and the importance of being explicit about what’s needed when you (or a friend) are going through a hard time
Resources & Links:
In this episode I mention Episode 40 and Episode 54, which are both about neurodivergent friendships, and Episode 74, which is about small intimacies.
Listen to Your Hell Yes Life with Zya Be and follow her on Facebook.
Read Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourselfby Nedra Glover Tawwab.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Today I’m going to share my personal hot takes about friendship.
If you’ve been listening to Friendship IRL for a while, you’ll recognize some of these ideas, but some thoughts are new, and some I haven’t presented as directly as I do today.
I was inspired by Danielle Bayard Jackson’s recent episode on the Friend Forward podcast, “6 Hot Takes on Female Friendships.” Here, I cover topics ranging from making friends with people of the opposite gender (which I love!) to the term “best friend” (which I hate!).
Honestly, I think doing this work has cemented a lot of these friendship beliefs for me, but I’d love to hear your thoughts: which hot takes do you agree or disagree with? This is a great episode for new listeners to start with, so please: send this to a friend, too!
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The fallacy that we need only a few close friends (and in particular, a best friend) and the truth about what the most supportive network actually looks like
- How diversity in friendships can help us imagine different ways to live and be in the world – and consequently better understand ourselves
- Over-sharing vs. under-sharing in friendship and why it’s actually not a bad thing when we’re not invited
- The possible repercussions when you finally allow yourself to be uncomfortable in friendship
Resources & Links:
This episode was inspired by Danielle Bayard Jackson’s recent episode, “6 Hot Takes on Female Friendships.” Danielle is host of the Friend Forward podcast and was a guest here during Episode 77 about female friendships.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Imagine you’ve made the move you’ve always dreamed of.
You live on the other side of the world and experience a new culture. It changes how you see your life – and almost imperceptibly, it changes you, too. When you return home, things are different among your friends. You don’t fit in the way you used to.
Today’s guest, Linda Mueller, has lived this challenge firsthand through seven international moves over the course of thirteen years. Today, she is a life coach and mentor who empowers international women in the journey of relocation and repatriation.
How do you reconnect with old friends when you’ve become a different version of yourself? While Linda’s story centers on international relocations, I think there are takeaways that apply to so many transformative life experiences.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The impact on relationships based on emotional intimacy roots when we become new versions of ourselves
- Reverse culture shock and the importance of keeping an open mind when it comes to forging new connections and maintaining old ones
- The instinct to add vs. to cut when it comes to looking at the scope of friendships in our lives (and in particular, adding people with similar interests or available time)
- Juggling a mixture of glass and plastic balls, and focusing on harmony instead of balance
- How technology enables us to hold on to so many more people than we used to – which creates new challenges!
Resources & Links:
Sign up for Linda’s newsletter and receive five strategies to make the most out of your time abroad, and follow Suneera Madhani, whose brilliant metaphor about juggling plastic vs. glass balls is mentioned in this episode.
Go back to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework and listen to Episode 87 about spring cleaning your friendships.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed and exhausted by everything you have to do (while still worrying you aren’t doing enough!) then this episode is for you.
Today I’m talking about burnout with Lesley Waldron, is a burnout coach who is also a sandwich caregiver (a parent and caregiver to a parent). Much of our conversation tackles this conundrum: friendship is hard during burnout, yet, it’s also crucial for our well-being.
I wish I could say this episode has all the answers, but unfortunately there is no magic solution. We’re here to acknowledge a challenging situation many of you face and offer small ways to ease burnout in your own life.
Sometimes what you need most when you’re running on empty is actually a social connection: a hug, a swim date, a walk, or a living room dance party with a friend.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The stressors of being a caregiver, plus, the neurological and physiological shifts stress triggers in your body, from blood pressure to focus
- Different ways to “complete” the burnout stress cycle, from physical activity and laughter to social interaction and affection
- Emotional labor: expressing your emotions to accommodate and elevate the emotions of others (which is common especially among women)
- Four steps to use social connection as a means to complete the cycle if you’re experiencing burnout
- Group gatherings vs. one-on-one gatherings: which do you find more restorative? Plus, the role of oxytocin in combating burnout
Resources & Links:
Read Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski and Emotional Labor: The Invisible Work Shaping our Lives and How to Claim Our Powerby Rose Hackman.
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There’s no better way to test your friendship skills than to move to a new city, and today’s guest, Leannda Shearer, has moved to a new city not once or twice but eight different times!
So, at this point, you could say she’s an expert at building a support system. With each new move, she’s learned that it takes not just the right skillset but also the right mindset to create meaningful connections.
Leannda is also a resilience coach and host of the podcast Rising with Phoenix Grace, and in this episode, she provides amazing tips and tricks on how to make new friends after a move, plus, some of her favorite quotes about friendship.
There’s a lot packed into this episode, and I think these tips apply to anyone who’s trying to make an impact or change in their friendships or community.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The skillset AND mindset required to make new friends, plus, the benefits of even “surface level” connections (see my Wheel of Connection framework)
- Making friends and “putting things on the wall,” even when you know this place is only temporary (and how to not overthink your connections that aren’t reciprocating)
- How new friends see you for who you are in this moment and not just who you used to be or what you’ve gone through
- Some of Leannda’s favorite places to make new friends, from meetup.com to networking nights to Facebook groups
- Some of Leannda’s and my favorite inspirational quotes regarding friendship, from Heidi Priebe to Winnie the Pooh
Resources & Links:
Listen to Leannda’s podcast, Rising with Phoenix Grace.
Listen to Episode 48 with Michele Reichman and be sure to look at my Wheel of Connection framework.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Sometimes, when our social lives feel lacking, we find ourselves living vicariously through others and wondering: how come they’re all living their lives and I’m not?
This is the experience today’s guest, Christine Hetzel, found herself in during a kind of quarter-life crisis. To turn her friendship situation around, she took the initiative and began organizing different kinds of public meet-ups.
Today Christine is the host of the Time for Brunch podcast and blog where she coaches clients on how to prioritize their own needs and personal development. She has since organized meet-up groups around the world with hundreds of members.
This episode is packed with inspiration on how to make the connections you want right now. As Christine reminds us, you can’t sit around and imagine things might magically change. You have to go and take action.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How Christine turned her friendship situation around by organizing meet-ups all over the world
- The sometimes under-appreciated work of event-organizing, and how to not take things too personally in friendships (especially new ones)
- The joy of friendship match-making, and how to broaden your network not as a means to “close the deal” but widen your possibilities
- Being curious about what lights people up, and the conversation starter we both hate the most
- Folding past friendships, relationships, and acquaintances into your next season of friendships
Resources & Links:
Listen to the episodes Christine mentions in this episode including Episode 24 (Marco Polo), Episode 41 (the Liking Gap), Episodes 44 and 48 (finding friends on the internet), Episode 49 (navigating small talk), and Episode 91 (party/event envy).
And be sure to check out Christine Hetzel’s blog and podcast, Time for Brunch and listen to the episode I recorded with her!
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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If you’re somebody who dreads going to a party, then this episode is for you.
Sometimes the couch feels more appealing than going out into the world and socializing, and I get it. Attending a gathering takes energy. Sometimes it feels awkward. But gatherings can also make us feel inspired and supported and invigorated.
Today I offer an approach that will help you take charge of your guest experience with three simple questions. You can ask yourself these questions before you leave, while you’re driving, or even on your way inside. It’s that easy.
My hope is that this episode helps more gatherings feel like time well-spent – and that, consequently, you’ll want to say yes to more invitations in the future, too.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why do we like being invited? What feeling do we think a gathering will offer? And why do we sometimes feel dread on the day of?
- What the very best gatherings can provide: a shift in momentum, a feeling of relief, a connection made, something learned
- How to take charge of our guest experiences and create moments of meaning by asking three simple questions
- Remembering that we don’t always know what will happen – and that sometimes the most unexpected gatherings can actually be the most impactful
Resources & Links:
Read The Art of Gatheringby Priya Parker. It’s amazing!
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Do you know men who don’t have close friends?
It’s a common problem (one that I cover in Episode 31 and Episode 32 of this podcast) with major implications. Poor social and mental health in men is connected with all kinds of other issues ranging from suicide and depression to gun violence.
Joining me to talk about this issue is Antonio Neves, a leadership expert, motivational speaker, award-winning journalist, bestselling author of Stop Living on Autopilot, host of the podcast The Antonio Neves Show, and founder of Man Morning.
This episode is full of great advice for men who are looking to rebuild their social circles. His major suggestion: take action! Find a group. Give a friend a call. Put something on the calendar. It might feel awkward, but it’s all part of the process.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- My personal experience seeing the downside of poor friendship support networks when my mom passed away and my dad became a single parent of three kids
- Face-to-face communicators vs. side-to-side communicators, and the difference between big conversations at 7 a.m. vs. 7 p.m.
- Antonio’s advice on how to push past the “Level 1 Listener” status; plus, five of the most powerful words you can say in a conversation
- The power of investing in ourselves, particularly our support systems, BEFORE we hit rock bottom
Resources & Links:
Want to hear more on this topic? Be sure to listen to Episode 31 and Episode 32.
Check out Antonio’s book Stop Living on Autopilot, listen to The Antonio Neves Show, and learn about Man Morning.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Today I talk about two friendship terms I’ve been hearing more about lately: the “couch friend” and the “errand friend.”
Lots of people want these kinds of friendships because they’re supposed to be easy. You do life’s responsibilities together or you do absolutely nothing together – no planning or panic cleaning required.
But how do you find these friends? How do you find someone you’re so comfortable with that you can just sit back and watch TV in your sweatpants together, and it’s not weird?
My thoughts? If you want a couch friend, you have to BE a couch friend. If you want an errand friend, you have to BE an errand friend. In this episode, I offer a few ideas about how to put that energy out into the world, from embracing spontaneity to encouraging your guests to get their own glasses of water.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- What a couch friend is, what an errand friend is, and why these kinds of relationships are often with already established friends
- Leaning into a more casual energy from the getgo in a new friendship instead of putting your best foot forward
- How I act when I have couch-type friends coming over (hint, I might be in sweatpants, and I’m probably not panic cleaning)
- What kind of energy does somebody bring when they come over? Is it roommate energy? Or are you waiting on them?
- Creative ways you might actually be able to spend time with a couch or errand friend even if you’re a parent or busy adult
Resources & Links:
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Have you ever gone back to an old friend, only to realize it’s not the same as it was?
This is the experience of today’s guest, Sarah Marie Paige, who in this episode shares about her amazing high school friend group – a group she assumed she’d be able to re-enter without a hitch post law school.
Instead, she learned they couldn’t actually pick up where they left off. Just like with plants, if you don’t water your friendships, they don’t continue to live. So, Sarah created a new community, one that supports her new lifestyle as a lawyer and fantasy writer.
I hope this episode makes those who’ve experienced this phenomenon feel less alone and realize that there are options – you can try to start over with these old friendships, or, like Sarah, you can put your energy elsewhere to build what you need.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Sarah’s high school friends, who kept in touch post graduation via blog for several years but eventually lost touch
- Grieving the loss of old friendships, which change as we grow older, and the crossroads ahead: do you start over with them or find new friends?
- Sarah’s life as a fantasy writer, and her books, each of which is a kind of love letter to a specific friend – plus, how she met new friends who support this passion
- The importance of having a WHY when it comes to community – why are you bringing these people together? What is your shared purpose?
Resources & Links:
Sarah is a fantasy author! Check out her books on her website!
Go back to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
There are some friendships we just need to let go of. In some instances, this means letting go of an aspect of a friendship. In others, this actually means letting go of an entire friendship.
Today’s guest is Emily Rogers, a transition and leadership coach and the host of the Leap to Lead podcast (which I was recently a guest on; link in the show notes!). Emily has lived overseas for 20 years and has personally navigated many moves and transitions.
She says that with each transition comes a spring cleaning of sorts with past connections, which requires stepping back and reflecting on the energy of these relationships. Can you alter the expectations of this friendship? How will you connect? Is it time to let go entirely?
Hopefully this episode helps you navigate those transitions with more grace and intention, so that, if you desire, those old friendships can still thrive in their new forms.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The different kinds of life transitions that affect friendship: physical moves; starting a family; a new romantic relationship; a medical emergency; finishing school, etc.
- Instances in which you SHOULDN’T do the work (for example: a toxic relationship; lack of capacity; you simply don’t want to)
- Recognizing energy: when it’s right, when it’s not right, and when it’s time to shift your friendships (and remembering that what feels right now might not feel right later!)
- The impact of taking a step back six to eight months after a big move or life transition to make sure your friendships aren’t draining (or sliming!) you
- Managing interactions with draining people you have to spend time with (for example, doing an activity together or only hanging out in groups)
Resources & Links
Listen to Emily’s podcast, The Leap to Lead, which I was recently a guest on!
Go back to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Have you ever met someone truly magnetic?
They walk into the room, and suddenly, the energy shifts. People are drawn to them. Some might argue that this is just the way some people were born. They inherited some gene that the rest of us didn’t.
But I believe magnetic individuals are just people who are doing the thing, putting themselves out there and taking action consistently – which over time, creates momentum and that coveted main character energy.
You are the main character in your own life, and when you’re stuck riding somebody else’s waves, it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and interests! So that’s what today’s episode is about: creating momentum and embodying that main character energy in your own life.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- What main character energy is: taking action, speaking up for yourself, prioritizing community connection
- What main character energy is not: centering yourself in every relationship; blaming other people as the problem; never taking responsibility
- Peeling back the layers of your authentic self and letting yourself be seen, especially the things about you that make you colorful and interesting
- Giving yourself the glow-up without the life-changing event and making yourself the center of your connection universe
- Three tips and two challenges to help you get your own main character energy
Resources & Links:
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
A few years ago, I realized that one of my friendship patterns was actually kind of a problem.
I’d show up for my friends as Superwoman, bragging that I could (and would) drop everything and do anything for my friends – even if it meant betraying myself and my own needs. Then, when I really needed help, I’d never ask for it.
I think we all have friendship patterns and tendencies. Some are good. Some are not. What’s important is taking a step back to determine whether they serve our friendships.
We can talk about this stuff in theory, but hearing real stories makes all the difference, and today’s guest, Deb Blum, the CEO and founder of the Whole Soul Way, shares her own tales with truth and vulnerability, from her historical wariness of female friendships to the midlife realization that made all the difference.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Becoming friends with people who feel “safe enough” and the feeling of being “too much” – plus, the difference between fitting in and belonging
- Mismatches in relationships vs. mismatches in the moment, and how sometimes people just aren’t in the same places at the same time
- The friendship patterns Deb finally realized midlife that were impacting her relationships and how she shifted those to create better ones
- The impact our parents have on how we interact with friends and how close we allow people to get to us
- The damage it can do to friendships when you don’t share your whole truth – and how people pleasing can actually be a bit of a betrayal
Resources & Links:
Learn about the Whole Soul Way and follow Deb Blum on Facebook and Instagram.
Dive deeper into these ideas and listen to Episode 15, about managing differences in friendships.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
What are your friendship beliefs? What stories do you tell yourself about your friendships?
Today’s episode might be one of the most important I’ve ever recorded because it gets at the heart of so many people’s struggles: core beliefs about friendship.
Here, I’m joined by Sarah Siegert, founder of Friendships Abroad. Inspired by her own experience moving from Hamburg to London, Sarah is a friendship coach who helps people living abroad create meaningful connections and overcome their loneliness.
As Sarah points out in today’s episode, our relationships start with us. If we want healthy friendships, we have to be willing to do the inner work first.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Sarah’s experience moving from Germany to London in 2019 and her struggles to fit in within a whole new country
- Doing the inner work and training our brains to see the similarities between each other instead of the differences
- Creating new friendship habits and developing close relationships within a friendship group
- Introverts vs. extroverts, recharging your social batteries, and being intentional about what you’re looking for in friendships
Resources & Links:
Check out Episode 42 about friendship trios, which is about developing a close friendship within a group and follow Sarah on Instagram and visit her website.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
I just want to make friends who are in the same stage of life as me.
In this business, I hear some of the same phrases over and over, and this is one of them. I love that goal, and it’s a big part of what I talk about on the podcast. But recently, I’ve also noticed a trend in which people are seeking friends who are in DIFFERENT life stages.
So that’s what I’m talking about today. Why would you want friends in different life stages than you? And more importantly, how do you make and maintain friendships with people whose current life circumstances are so different from yours?
Personally, I’m looking for a walking buddy, and I feel like that perfect someone might not be a fellow entrepreneur in their mid-30s. What friendships are you looking for in your own life? How might people in different life stages add some richness to your social wellness?
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The tendency to lean on sameness or perceived similarity in friendships – and the similarities you can still find between friends in different life stages
- Why sometimes it’s actually easier to spend time with people in different life stages because they have different time constraints
- The opportunities for sharing wisdom and learning when you’re friends with people who are older or younger than you
- How sometimes having friends in different stages of life alleviates pressure to act or be a certain way – plus, ideas on how to find these friends!
Resources & Links:
Learn about my Wheel of Connection framework and be sure to check out Episode 77 about female friendships and Episode 15, about managing differences in friendships.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
One thing I always say is creating a community is the ultimate self-care.
In today’s episode, we dive deep into this idea with my good friend Jenny Dreizen, who is the co-founder of the Fresh Starts Registry, which I’m a huge supporter of.
The Fresh Starts Registry is a registry for all of life’s new beginnings, from divorces to graduations, big moves to scary diagnoses. (Sound familiar? I also talked with Jenny’s sister and co-founder Olivia in Episode 68!)
Jenny is the perfect friend for me to sit down and have this conversation with because so much of her work centers around supporting people through changes and transitions.
BTW, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t make friends on the internet. Jenny and I have never met in person, yet, I can totally see our friendship spanning 30 years from now.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- What it means to be in your “friendship era” and why sometimes doing less actually serves friendships more
- Friendship breaks vs. just taking a step back from friendship or cutting off just part of a friendship
- Putting yourself in places and environments that feel authentic to you and the importance of trusting your gut about your relationships
- Coming back to people whose energies didn’t used to align with yours but actually do now
- Internet friends, selfless acts, and how deciding to actively engage in your community is actually the ultimate self-care
Resources & Links:
Learn about small intimacies in Episode 74, check out the Fresh Starts Registry, follow them on Instagram, and listen to Episode 68 to hear my conversion with Fresh Starts co-founder (and Jenny’s sister) Olivia.
Also, don’t forget to listen to their podcast, A Fresh Story (including the episode I recorded with them).
Olivia and Jenny have also written these amazing scripts for what to say when you don’t know what to say.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
If you’re having a bad day, try bragging about a friend. Talk about that thing they did and why they’re so great – it will turn your whole day around.
Today I’m bragging about my new friend Anna Goldfarb, author of Modern Friendships, which is about the nuances of adult friendships. Anna is a journalist whose reporting has appeared in The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Washington Post and Vox. Her book is absolutely amazing.
You’ll find we have lots of overlap in the ways we think about friendship, but of course, we are different people, and she provides slightly different perspectives and language on the topic.
Today’s episode was such a delightful conversation; it felt like we could talk forever. If you like what I put out on this podcast, be sure to buy her book!
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The topic of friendship over the last few years, which became magnified during and after the pandemic
- Friendship strategies that are outdated in today’s super fluid society, putting people in positions where they can’t commit
- How Anna’s research impacted her relationship with her sister and her own friendships
- The importance of having flexible expectations as you and your friends move into different phases of life
- The thing that’s flattening our friendships that our ancestors didn’t have to deal with and the amount of time it actually takes to develop close relationships
Resources & Links:
Sign up for Anna’s newsletter and buy her book, Modern Friendships: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections.
Want to hear more about flexible friendship expectations? Check out Episode 33, “The New Version of Friendship,” and Episode 45, about friendship demotions.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
How do we balance community and independence?
This question is posed by today’s guest, Donna Fields, who, twenty years ago, moved to Spain, and experienced culture shock, going from the United States – an individualistic society – to one that was collectivist and communal.
Donna is an author, professor, teacher, trainer, and host of the podcast Doorways to Learning with Donna. Here, she asks: what do we look for when we leave one place and go to another? For her, it was family and community. But is it possible to be TOO communal?
Spaniards are often extremely family oriented, but is it possible family ties literally tie them down when they could have more experiences if allowed to cut loose? When you move somewhere so different, it makes you wonder: where’s the balance? What feels right to me?
I love episodes like today’s. It feels like we could just be sitting around the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, trying to explore life’s deeper meanings. We don’t answer all the questions, but it sure is an interesting conversation.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- All about Donna – her background in New York and New Mexico and how she ended up in Spain for the last 20 years
- What do we look for when we leave one place and go to another? And why do we leave the house in general – to do something, or to be with other people?
- Spanish vs. American culture: how each views family, community, reciprocity, trust, etc., and the pros and cons of each
- The hyper-vigilance required in individualistic societies where you’re doing everything by yourself
- The ripple effects we can have on others and the power of letting go
Resources & Links:
Donna has compiled some material that will generate fascinating conversations about cultural differences and the natural unions of communities.
Check out Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Communityby Robert D. Putnam, and if you haven’t yet, listen to Episode 41 about the Liking Gap.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Think about your closest friends. Have you ever felt yourself saying, maybe I just don’t know them anymore? Or, why is it so hard for us to get together?
Here’s a question I’m posing for today’s episode: instead of trying to maintain friendships at their “peaks,” what if we allowed these friendships to breathe in their new forms?
Today’s guest is Joseph Suttner, who I met a year ago while on New Day Northwest, a morning TV show here in Seattle. In this episode, Joseph and I talk in-depth about the Wheel of Connection, particularly historic vs. present friendships.
Sometimes it can be sad to admit our historic (and sometimes closest) friendships are no longer at their peaks due to life’s circumstances. But if there’s one constant in life, it’s change, and I think listeners will walk away from today’s episode with new appreciation and perspective of these relationships.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Historic friends, defined friends, formal communities, and more in my Wheel of Connection framework
- The guilt and shame created by friendships that can’t be maintained at their peaks due to the realities of adulthood – and how to appreciate what’s there instead
- Self-awareness about your approachability if you’re trying to expand your connections (i.e., are you wearing sunglasses or headphones while out walking?)
- Activities together vs. drinks or coffee – one of these feels like less pressure if you’re meeting up with a new friend
Resources & Links:
Learn about my Wheel of Connection framework!
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
I’ve been paying more attention to my self talk lately, particularly my negative self talk.
It’s so easy to berate ourselves and give ourselves labels about our interactions. I’m a bad friend. I’m awkward. I’m terrible at small talk. I’m not good at showing up.
But what if instead of saying, I’m awkward, we say, that interaction was awkward, and look at the situation objectively? It’s easier said than done! The important thing is to notice the negative self talk when it happens and try to shift that over time.
In today’s episode, I share three stories about my own self talk. Sometimes I have good self talk. Other times I’m quite mean to myself. My hope is that these stories serve as a reminder that we’re all still working on it, and that’s okay.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Different kinds of self talk we have before, during, and after our interactions – and how these can make or break our connections
- My runaway train story about a sleep deprived podcast recording, an embarrassing interaction, and the negative self talk I couldn’t seem to stop
- The value in removing ourselves from the conversation and looking at the situation objectively
- Two situations where I was able to tame negative self talk – one where I was ghosted, one where I didn’t show up for a friend in the way I’d wanted to
- The tricks our brains play on us, and how to approach these “fails” and be kinder to ourselves as time goes on
Resources & Links:
Need a cheerleader for your social interactions? I’m here for you! Conquer your friendship anxiety and walk into any room with confidence - join the waitlist now.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Today’s topic is female friendship, and to be honest, I’m a little overwhelmed by the responsibility.
I hear your stories about the intensity, cattiness, and drama of female friendships, but to tell you the truth, it’s been a long time since my friendships involved those extreme experiences. Due to my life’s circumstances, I had to approach friendship differently. Friends are my support system, and I will do all I can – even if it’s uncomfortable – to risk losing a friendship.
Which is why I’m so glad to have a female friendship expert on today: Danielle Bayard Jackson, host of the Friend Forward podcast, is a coach, educator, and author of Fighting for Our Friendships, which is a total game-changer and a book I cannot recommend enough.
Today, we talk about all the depth and complexities of this relationship – including, most importantly, the joy of female friendships, which, at their height, allow us to be seen and accepted for who we are.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Danielle’s background as an English teacher, where she observed the academic impact friendship had on her students
- The fragility of female friendships and the pressure women are often under to juggle the needs of others (as mothers, wives, employees, daughters, sisters, caregivers, etc.)
- Why women often look for emotional support from their platonic female friendships more than their romantic partners
- The high expectations of female friendships and Danielle’s advice for navigating the pressure associated with these relationships (HINT: communication is key!)
- Navigating healthy conflict and gender expectations, and how to build resilience so we can put ourselves out there
Resources & Links:
Follow Danielle on Instagram, listen to the Friend Forward podcast, and buy her book, Fighting for Our Friendships.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Today’s episode is all about holding space – and it’s a poignant reminder of the importance of friendship and how it can profoundly affect our lives, even after a friend has passed away.
Michelle Cecil is here to vulnerably share her story about her friendship with Erica.
Michelle and Erica’s friendship blossomed in their youth and grew stronger as they navigated the ups and downs of adulthood. Their relationship faced the ultimate test when Erica was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma.
Throughout the episode, Michelle recounts the joys and heartbreaks of their journey and how she found support.
We also delve into the complexities of grieving a friend, including the lack of societal recognition for these losses and the unique challenges it poses.
This episode truly left me speechless. Join us as we share space and honor the memory of Erica, while celebrating the beauty of lifelong friendships.
P.S. Michelle is a friend of Brenda, who appeared on Episode 24. They are part of the Marco Polo group we talk about in that episode.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The story of Michelle and Erica’s friendship, and how living thousands of miles away didn’t affect their bond (cards, letters, and long distance phone calls played a role)
- Friendships that feel like chosen family, transcending traditional familial bonds and highlighting the deep, emotional connections that can form in these relationships
- How Michelle has processed her grief over the years, from support groups, to counseling, to simply honoring Erica’s memories by talking about her with friends
- How the “Friends” series finale and Cinco de Mayo stir up memories of Erica
- The importance of sharing our stories of loss, and how this can foster understanding and bring comfort to those experiencing something similar
Resources & Links:
Check out Episode 24, which talks about the Marco Polo friend group that Michelle is a part of.
I have two other episodes focused on grief: Episode 18 with Aly Bird and Episode 35 with Suzanne Jabour.
You can also check out Episode 16 and Episode 19 for conversations about chosen families.
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How much Vitamin J are you getting in your life?
In today’s episode, we’re talking with Dr. Zarya Rubin, a Harvard educated functional medicine physician, and one of the questions she often asks patients is about whether they’re experiencing enough joy and connection.
Though there’s a societal push for more exercise and more kale, connection is actually one of the MOST important things you can do for your physiological health. According to a documentary we both love – Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones – regular human connection could add 15 years to your life. Lack of connection is similar to smoking 20 cigarettes a day.
I saw Dr. Rubin give a TED Talk here in Seattle a few weeks ago on burnout, and I am so grateful that she was able to come onto the podcast today. This will not be the last time we talk about this but it is definitely an amazing foundational episode to start to explore this topic.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The impact of stress, increasing cortisol levels and trickling into other parts of your body
- The studies that have recently come out about college students who entered school during the pandemic
- Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones and the 15-year impact connection can have on your life expectancy
- Loose ties, relational diversity, and how interactions at coffee shops can not only change your day but impact your long-term health
- Technology’s impact on in-person connection and how to get in touch with your fun side
Resources & Links:
Learn more about Dr. Zarya Rubin on her website where you can access her free Burnout to Balance Toolkit and follow her on Instagram.
Check out Episodes 38 and 39, which are about third places; Episode 41, which is about the Liking Gap; Episode 4 (What is a Friend?); and Episode 69, about learned loneliness.
Check out the book Zarya recommends, Find Your Unicorn Space by Eve Rodsky and the documentary Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones.
Check out the Mel Robbins Podcast episode about finding your people.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Sometimes to feel closer to our friends there’s this pressure to share our most vulnerable feelings or unearth some deep, dark secret.
But what if I told you there are more ways to feel connected to our friends that are actually simpler, easier, and more common? That in fact, there are DOZENS of ways we’re trying to open up to each other, but because they’re not “big” shares, they’re often overlooked?
I believe we are all missing out on small moments of connection with our friends, and in this episode, I’ll describe this concept that I’ve mentioned many times but never dug into: small intimacies.
My hope with this episode is to offer ways to shift the friendship culture and pay more attention to those small bids of connection, because as I’ve said before, friendship doesn’t have to be “all or nothing.” Sometimes those small intimacies are more than enough.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Definitions of vulnerability and rejection and the roles they play in whether or not we allow small intimacies
- Examples of small intimacies that are overlooked in friendship, from inviting somebody into your house to telling the truth when somebody asks how you are
- Topics that are vulnerable or considered big shares for some people but not for others, which can be both “positive” and “negative” shares
- The cycle of overthinking what we share to our friends and how we can open ourselves up to small intacies
- The Roots of Connection framework which I talk about more in Episode 12
Resources & Links:
Learn more about my roots framework! And be sure to listen to Episode 12 if you haven’t already.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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How much time do you spend with the people who matter to you most?
This could be your partner, your kids, your family, your friends, your community. The answer will probably vary depending on your season of life.
This episode features Katrina McGhee, a career break coach and author of Taking a Career Break for Dummies. Katrina was inspired by her own 20-month career break that involved traveling the world and spending more time with friends and family.
This conversation is such a delight. Community, connection and friendship are massive priorities in my life, and I hope this episode offers inspiration on how to make choices that allow us all to carve out more time to spend with our people.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The American Time Use Survey, which shows trends of how Americans spend their time based on age
- Katrina’s life-changing career break, how she managed it, and her advice for using a career break to connect with people
- Non-constructed moments with our people (often facilitated during longer periods of time spent together) instead of curated visits
- The mind-blowing percentage of people for whom connection is their reason for taking a career break
- Modern American connections vs. the connections Katrina remembers as a kid and the kinds she saw while traveling abroad (hint: we used to be more serendipitous!)
Resources & Links:
Learn more about Katrina McGhee on her website and check out her book, and learn about the 2022 American Time Use Survey.
Listen to Episode 65, “How Jenna Myhre Deyle Moved Across the Country to Live Closer to Friends.”
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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In this episode, we cover something I’ve been DYING to talk about: friendship in virtual reality. When you put on the headset and enter the VR world, what’s it like?
Today’s guest, Wesley Stroupe, is a Friendship IRL podcast listener who recently moved to a small town. Wesley is a self-described anxious person, but especially after the pandemic, he knew community and connection were important in making this new place his home.
He found these things in both conventional and unconventional places, from the local Unitarian Universalist Church to Bumble BFF and VRChat. (Are you making connections in VR, too? If so, reach out – I want to hear about it!)
As the world changes and new technologies appear, I feel strongly that we share how we use these new tools to fill our social wellness needs. Putting yourself out there can be scary, no matter the method, but as Wesley says here, though it feels like it might kill you, it won’t – and eventually, it might lead you to your people.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Voice memos vs. text messages – the impact of hearing people’s voices (the sound, the cadence, the tone) and what they can carry that text messages cannot
- Wesley’s story: growing up in a small Southern town and then moving to a small town as a self-described socially anxious person
- The benefits of joining a formal community – a church or religious organization, for example – and how this plays in my Wheel of Connection framework
- The snowball effect of connection: one friend might introduce you to another friend, who might introduce you to other friends, etc.
- Different platforms Wesley has used to make friends, including Threads, Bumble BFF, and VRchat, and what they’ve been like for him
Resources & Links:
In this episode, we talk about the Wheel of Connection, which I urge you to check out, and male friendships, which we cover more in-depth in Episodes 31 and 32.
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Never underestimate the power of the simple things, especially when it comes to friendship.
I love that we tackle the big topics on this podcast, but there’s a special place in my heart for episodes like this one.
Today’s guest is Dr. Zahara Williams, who is a therapist, speaker and author of the After Betrayalworkbook. Here, we talk about an amazing group of friends she’s remained close with for years, even after a major move away.
Listening to this episode, I was reminded of how powerful the combination of intention and small actions can be. At the end of the day, it’s the little stuff – the stuff that can easily be passed over – that is actually some of the most significant work we can do in our connections.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Thinking about the roles we play in our friends and being intentional about how we want to show up as time goes on
- Shifting the way we use technology to maintain our friendships during big life changes (plus, using social media to actually CONNECT and not lurk!)
- Going on the friendship journey and remembering all our friends started at zero at one point
- Not allowing bad circumstances to limit us from having a beautiful experience with a group of friends
- Being our authentic selves and not getting caught up on the friendships that don’t work (because maybe they don’t work for a reason!)
Resources & Links:
Visit Zahara’s website, follow her on Instagram and Linkedin, and check out the After Betrayalworkbook.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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Do you want to teach your kids how to make and maintain friendships?
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: modeling is so important, but as today’s guest Pam Howard points out, what’s also crucial is checking in with your own friendship beliefs, particularly any fears or insecurities you have about friendship. That way, you can separate your experiences from theirs.
Pam is a licensed clinical social worker, a former K-8 school counselor, and the mom of two teenage daughters. She’s a master life coach for high-achieving moms and host of the podcast Less Drama, More Mama.
Even if you don’t have kids, there’s so much to take in. Pam presents the important reminder that friendship requires work. Sometimes it’s great and feels easy. Sometimes it’s messy and feels hard. I hope this episode causes people to reflect on their own friendship beliefs and remember we’re ALL just trying to figure it out.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Examining our own friendship beliefs and analyzing how this might impact our kids’ friendships and being aware of the phrasing and messaging we pass on to them
- How friendship is different for all kids, particularly introverts/extroverts/kids on the Autism spectrum; what feels good for one person might feel terrible for someone else
- Modeling healthy, respectful friendship and talking about: why friendship is important; what it means to be a good friend; qualities to look for in a friend
- Being the gatekeepers to friendship and the importance of kids seeing friends outside school, where they deepen relationships and learn how other families live
- Teaching kids how to listen and be interested in other people, and also how to problem solve their way out of tight friendship spots
Resources & Links:
Be sure to listen to Pam’s podcast, Less Drama, More Mama and learn about the Wheel of Choice.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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When the term “learned loneliness” came across my desk, it made my ears perk up.
The idea of learned loneliness – that loneliness is now our new normal – resonates with me; I often find myself wanting to see people, but instead, I’m scrolling or turning on the TV. I used to think this was laziness, but now I think I’ve gotten comfortable being uncomfortable.
Here are some stats to ponder: 35 percent of people feel socializing is less important than they found it to be before the pandemic. Over the last decade, face-to-face socializing hours with close friends has been cut in half.
Never before have we spent so much time alone, particularly with so many people working from home. Today, we talk about some things that could be causing the uptick in loneliness, and I propose some solutions, including things I’m personally committing to.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The different dimensions of loneliness, including intimate loneliness, relational loneliness, and collective loneliness
- Factors that have led to an increase in loneliness, including lack of community organizations, increase of working from home, lack of social trust, etc.
- Social media and TV’s roles in loneliness – and why I think one is more harmful than the other
- Things we can do to combat learned loneliness, such as appreciating the beauty in simple relationships
- Why we shouldn’t wait for the perfect opportunity or situation to put ourselves out there
Resources & Links:
For more on loneliness, check out Episode 27, and learn about how we might better lean into front yards instead of back yards in Episode 39 and Episode 67.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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Have you ever felt like a bad friend for not showing up for someone you care about?
Or maybe you’re frustrated that you’re ALWAYS showing up for everyone but feel like nobody reciprocates; or, MAYBE you’re somebody who struggles to let people support you. If any of this resonates, this episode is for you.
Today’s guest is Olivia Howell, co-founder and CEO of the Fresh Starts Registry, the first and only platform that offers a registry to help people begin again after a major life change. She’s also the co-host of A Fresh Story, a top 2% personal journals podcast.
I’ve been following Olivia and Fresh Starts for a long time, and I’m stoked to get this episode out there. It’s full of so many tangible examples of how to show up for people in a world where we’re overwhelmed by responsibility and calls for our attention. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Life changes – the average person goes through 14 (!) in a lifetime, from job changes and break-ups to moves and having kids
- Meeting people where they are, which often means you have to take your ego out of it and remember that the reaction might not be the one you envisioned
- How sometimes, it’s not sustainable to show up in the volume that equates our love – plus, the benefits of focusing on the small things instead of the grand gestures
- Coming up with tried and true scripts you can say to your friends (and borrowing some from Fresh Starts if you need some help with material)
- Letting people into your life and believing you are worthy of support, and building the support system that feels right for you
Resources & LinksCheck out Fresh Starts, follow them on Instagram, and see their scripts that can help you next time you want to show up for your friends while they’re going through their major life moments.
Listen to the Fresh Starts podcast, and keep an eye out for their upcoming episode which I’ll be a guest on!
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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Many adults today say they weren’t taught to make and maintain friendships. I’m often asked how we might break this cycle and model something different for the next generation.
What I keep coming back to is that we all need to start making small changes. What if we said hi to people walking by? What if we stayed off our phones while on the train or waiting in line? What if we allowed children to teach us how to put ourselves out there
Today’s guest is Annmarie Beatty, who is a therapeutic life coach and a leader in her local home school community. So many people think homeschooled kids don’t get enough socialization, but her experience is the opposite – families who homeschool their kids have to be intentional about socialization.
In this episode, we talk a great deal about being intentional in connecting with the people around us. There are so many societal structures that make friendship difficult, but here, I hope you get the message, loud and clear, that it’s worth the effort!
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The importance of socializing with all ages and giving kids the opportunity to make intentional friendships
- The cultural shifts and structural hurdles that cause making and maintaining friendships difficult
- Third Places, the Liking Gap, the decline in social trust (including thick and thin trust), and weak ties vs. strong ties
- Small changes that can facilitate more social trust, which can be as easy as staying off your phone while in line or on the train
- The extreme loneliness epidemic in the U.S., and seeing children as examples of how you can make friends and put yourself out there
Resources & Links:
Check out Episodes 38 and 39, which are about third places, and Episode 41, which is about the Liking Gap. Another good resource is Bowling Alone: the Collapse and Revival of American Community by Robert D. Putnam.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
From happy hours to bottomless mimosa brunches, many friendships are held together by activities that involve alcohol.
Consequently, these friendships are often affected when one party stops drinking. I personally have experienced some big friend group culture shifts when it comes to alcohol. In the beginning, alcohol was the norm, but it’s not anymore.
Today’s guest is Hitha Palepu, the CEO of Rhoshan Pharmaceuticals and the author of How to Pack: Travel Smart for Any Trip and We’re Speaking: The Life Lessons of Kamala Harris. Recently, Hitha posted on Instagram about the impact drinking less has made on her friendships, and today, we talk about this shift.
No matter what, it’s helpful to find activities with your friends that do not center around alcohol, so be proactive and find new ways to spend time together. It will only strengthen your friendship in the long run.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The normalization and glamorization of alcohol consumption and the reality of what regular drinking does to our bodies and our relationships
- How many people use alcohol as a social crutch – plus, the barrier it actually creates between friendships
- Hitha’s decision to cut back on alcohol, especially at networking events or parties, and the impact that’s made on her home life and overall well-being
- How Hitha has transitioned with her friends into doing other activities together that don’t involve alcohol, from Dry January to coffee walks in the park
- Tips if you are reevaluating your relationship with alcohol, from creating rules for yourself to finding delicious delicious alcohol-free alternatives
Resources & Links:
I can’t tell you enough how much I enjoy Hitha’s Five Smart Reads; sign up for her newsletter! I also highly recommend both her books: How to Pack: Travel Smart for Any Trip and We’re Speaking: The Life Lessons of Kamala Harris.
Check out
How close do you live to your friends? Next door? Down the street? Or do many of your friends live on the other side of the country?
Today’s guest, Jenna Myhre Deyle, actually made a cross-country trip in order to be closer to friends. Before the move, she’d been married, was climbing the corporate ladder, but after her divorce, she couldn’t shake a certain level of unhappiness.
Linked in our show notes is an article that cites some amazing statistics – that a person is 8 percent happier living with a spouse, 14 percent happier living within a mile of your siblings, and 25 PERCENT happier a mile from your friend.
Jenna’s move to the midwest to be closer to friends is an out-of-the-box decision – and it’s one of the reasons I’m so excited to have her on the podcast today. Whether we realize it or not, our proximity to friends can tremendously impact our happiness.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Jenna’s story about “checking off the boxes” – getting married, moving up the corporate ladder, etc. – only to realize she was deeply unhappy
- The major decision Jenna made, calling her company’s VP about her wish to move back home to Kansas City, not matter what that meant for her future employment
- Society’s understanding of what success is and the idea that if you’re unhappy you should self-care your way out of it
- Jenna’s intentional work to make new friends/communities besides the friends she already had in Kansas City – and the impact this made on her perspective and career
Resources & Links:
The Wheel of Connection Framework, it’s the cumulative impact of everyone in your life.
Check out “You’d Be Happier Living Closer to Friends. Why Don’t You?” by Anne Helen Petersen.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Are low-maintenance friendships all they’re made out to be?
So many of us are trying to live in this impossible zone of wanting friendship to be little effort but not neglectful. The effort of staying in this bubble can make maintaining a friendship more difficult, and it also denies many of our inherent needs.
Today I’m going to talk about why this mainstream current definition of “low maintenance” friendship is not serving us. How can we think about low maintenance friendship differently and make it work for us?
Friendship should be a reprieve, not a burden; let’s make it easier on ourselves by focusing on consistent, simple connections. Think breadcrumbs, not bread loaves.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The language we use about “low-maintenance” friendship and the fine line that defines them – you want “low attention” but can’t be neglectful
- How so much of low-maintenance friendships is denying that we matter, that we want to be seen, that we have needs
- The amount of energy we spend staying in the exact right zone of a low maintenance friendship – which in the end isn’t very low maintenance!
- The importance of having conversations about how we each are able to show up in friendships
- How to leave “breadcrumbs” instead of bread loaves through scheduling hacks, reoccurring meet-ups/texts/calls, voice messages, etc.
Resources & Links:
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!
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If you could go back and advise your 20-year-old self about friendship, what would you say?
Personally, I always had the worst social anxiety hangover, worrying about the things I said or did after hanging out with people. I know now I should have asked my friends about it instead of ruminating and worrying.
This is the underlying theme of today’s episode – lessons we’ve learned about friendship since our 20s – which features Arpita Mehta, a brand strategist and host of The Modern Millennial podcast. She’s also the creator of the Little Brown Diary, a Facebook group of 38,000 South Asian millennial women.
This episode is full of so many gems, and I walked away with so much appreciation for all the work my friends and I have done as we’ve grown and changed. It truly is a never-ending journey.In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Limiting beliefs about friendships and how it’s not something we’re taught – making and maintaining friendship is something you have to learn through life experience
- Ever-evolving friendships – we won’t necessarily be the same friends we are now ten or twenty years down the line
- Male friendship groups vs. female friendship groups, and the effort required to keep a group together (hint: we sometimes make it more difficult than it has to be!)
- The downside of being the “connector” in a group who makes the plans and gets along with everyone (and the importance of getting other people to do this work too)
- Folding time with friends into things we were going to do anyway – like go shopping or pick up coffee, etc.
Resources & Links:
I can’t suggest The Modern Millennial podcast enough. It’s like hanging out with a friend – a mix of serious conversations, lifestyle, and beauty.
Listen to Episode 42 to hear about the dynamics of friend trios and friend groups.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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Need something to light you up today? Maybe some profound advice? Look no further!
Today’s episode features Mark Delaney, host of the podcast The Purpose Mastermind. He and his wife Andrea are purpose dealers, which means they spend their lives helping people clarify their purpose into one simple sentence.
He says that having something in life that moves us and compels us is at the core of what it is to be human; that we should all be purpose-focused instead of problem-focused; that so many of us don’t live with full expression because of the walls between us and others.
He brings so much thought-provoking wisdom in this episode, wisdom that has me analyzing my day-to-day interactions, and he presents the great reminder that friendship is not extracurricular. It’s not only for “people-people.” We are all made for people. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Focusing on your past and trying to fix it vs. discovering your purpose and using this to move forward
- Powerful, positive relationships vs. negative relationships (as opposed to “positive” or “negative” people)
- Tweaking the simple things and auditing yourself: are you showing up as yourself or are you putting on a show?
- The impact of tiny, consistent steps in the right direction instead of big grand gestures
- Tapping into the people around us to help us with our self-reflection and the clarity that comes with vocalization
Resources & LinksLearn more about Mark Delaney and his podcast, The Purpose Mastermind.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
My friends and I talk about money all the time.
It’s a great way to crowdsource information from people in the same season of life. I also think it helps us be more open with one another.
But money can be a taboo topic and difficult to navigate with friends. To help us through these sometimes tricky conversations, we have Sarah Roller, a financial coach who helps clients create personalized money management plans. In this episode, we cover the different levels in which you can talk about money. When is it valuable to talk numbers, and what are easy gateways into these conversations?
Remember: the way you or I manage money isn’t right or wrong. It can be different but right for each of us in the current moment. How can we approach these conversations with respect and curiosity? In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Reasons to talk with friends about money, from gathering ideas on how to manage your own finances to understanding how friends will want to spend time together
- The different levels of money conversations you can have with friends and non-threatening ways to start these conversations
- Sharing financial goals with friends, which can alleviate discomfort when deciding how you want to spend time together and understand each other’s thought processes
- Approaching these topics with curiosity and respect, and knowing that everyone has different feelings about the actual numbers
- Asking yourself: WHY are you asking? What will you both get out of it? And when is it actually useful to share numbers and details?
Resources & LinksVisit Sarah’s website and download her free tool about how to plan for life’s irregular expenses.
Learn more about my roots framework!
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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Today’s episode is about friendship goals. Why set them? What do they look like?
So many people are taking one action after another when it comes to friendship without much thought as to why. They’re repeating old patterns and doing what they “think” they should do instead of focusing on their ideal vision of social wellness.
I say “ideal vision” with a grain of salt. Likely, this vision is a moving target, changing as you change. Here, we talk about the steps to take and offer tips and examples that might help you make these goals for 2024.
Like with anything, making and executing friendship goals will take a LOT of brain power in the beginning, but I hope you push through that uncomfortable phase and get to the place where you’re just fine tuning.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The steps to making friendship goals, from setting aside time to reflect to stepping back and looking at the big picture
- Categories to think about when making the goals, like: How much time do you have? What are your habits? What types of people do you want to meet?
- Assessing friendship problems you’re currently having, like: Are there places where you’re guilting or shaming yourself? What areas are you overwhelmed in?
- Six tips for making great friendship intentions; for example: Lean into interests! Create consistency! Use technology!
- Twenty examples of different friendship goals you could make; for example: Commit to connecting to one friend a month! Set admin friend time on your calendar!
- Being open to meeting new people and new versions of friends you already have – put your phone down, make small talk, be open, etc.
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Books are like people – they come into our lives when we most need them.Today’s guest, Kara Infante, host of the Bookish Flights podcast, shares this quote by Emma Thompson at the end of every podcast episode.
Community and books are important to Kara, and as a military spouse who moves frequently with her family, she’s learned that, for her, the easiest way to make connections in a new place is through book clubs, both by joining them and creating them.
Talking about books might not involve the biggest, deepest shares, but allows people to see a bit of who you are. The idea seems deceptively simple, but it’s actually genius. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: specificity is a great way to make connections.
You can apply Kara’s tips and ideas to any interest you might have. If you’re looking to reconnect or deepen some friendships, spend a few minutes thinking about the shared interests you have. It might be a really easy way to open the door to more conversation.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- All about Kara’s podcast, Bookish Flights, which, in each episode, introduces three books that pair well together
- How Kara meets new people by joining or creating book clubs, and why this works so well (recurring schedule, shared passions, easy reason to reach out, etc.)
- Using Kara’s techniques for finding people during other big life changes (new jobs, new life circumstances, etc.)
- Creating a community you can take with you so that you don’t have to start over every time you move
- How to find a book club or create a book club using Kara’s format, plus, how to stay close to friends through the Sisterhood of the Traveling Books
Resources & Links:
Check out Kara’s podcast, Bookish Flights, and find her on Instagram and Facebook.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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In this episode, we return to one of Friendship IRL’s most quintessential questions: what ISa friend anyway?
Today’s guest is Jeni Holla, who, two and a half years ago, left her conventional job to hit the road with her husband and pups and live the nomad life. They thought this adventure would last six or twelve months but liked it so much they’re still living this lifestyle.
Having a social life on the road is challenging. Jeni doesn’t have many close friends, unlike her husband, who has been close to the same people for decades. When she reached out to Friendship IRL, she said she sometimes felt she wasn’t doing friendship “right.”
The question of what friendship looks like is one I get asked a lot. If you’re like Jeni and her husband, who move frequently, the question is even more pressing. There is no one answer – what works for you might not always be what works for other people, and that’s okay.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The activities or “plugs” we associate with certain people – and how, often, if you just go do the thing you want to do, you’ll meet other people doing that thing
- Connecting to people in a small town vs. a big city and how Jeni “follows the breadcrumbs” in new towns, often meeting people in third places
- The “ride-or-die” friends, which are difficult to maintain when we get older due to people moving to new places or transitioning to new lifestyles
- The power in knowing what you want out of friendship, which allows you to create a filter and meet people with intention
- The patience required for deep connections, and how there are always more layers you can develop
Resources & Links:In this episode, I refer to Episode 3, “What is a Friend?”; Episode 12, “Digging Into the 3 Kinds of Friendship Roots”; Episode 38, “Third Places,” and Episode 39, “Take Action.
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Opening lines aren’t just for dating – they come in handy when you’re looking for new friends, too.
Today’s guest, Leah Wiseman Fink, says she likes to use this line: Do you want to come over for pizza? Yes, it helps that Leah is also the co-owner of a Brooklyn-based pizza chain, but it’s a great opening line anyone can use.
Leah is a life coach, business coach, and mom of two kids. She grew up in a big Jewish family in the midwest, where everybody was together all the time. When she moved to New York 20 years ago, she found herself creating something very similar for her and her family.
Community building is a skill – but once you learn it, it stays with you forever. Leah’s advice? Just start. Give out your number. Ride the waves. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Leah’s background growing up in a big family where aunts, uncles, and cousins lived closeby, and the “show-up-as-you-are” kind of gatherings they had
- How becoming a parent acted as a catalyst for Leah to create community in Brooklyn, and the recurring, casual gatherings she partakes in
- Good opening lines and tried-and-true activities for making parent friends; for example: do you want to come over for pizza? Can I give you some hand-me-downs?
- Using the internet (social media in particular) as a method to make friends, and how to fit friend time into busy schedules, from working out together to family sleepovers
- The different ways you can show up for people, from sending food to spending time together – and how specificity can add an extra touch
Resources & LinksJoin Leah’s newsletter and follow her on Instagram.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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The holidays are here, which means many of us will be spending time with family and friends over the next couple months. It’s the perfect time to talk about deep conversations with people we care about.
Today’s episode features Chris Burnett, who, in 2020, started a personal project to reconnect with people in his life. It started with weekly calls to catch up. Then, he began asking if he could interview them about their lives.
To date, Chris has recorded more than 70 conversations. After seeing the impact this project had on himself and his people, he decided to share the idea with a broader audience. His book, Conversations: Connecting with People in Our Lives, was released in November.
When Chris reached out to join us on Friendship IRL, I couldn’t say yes fast enough. Having these deep conversations with people we care about is so important. It strengthens our relationships and allows us a better perspective of our people and ourselves. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Chris’s project: how it began (catching up with one person a week) and how that grew into him reaching out for recorded interviews, and then, a book
- Interview format – the wording Chris used during his initial contact, and how he structures the phone conversations
- How these deep conversations can help the person “interviewed” feel special, and how the interviews rekindled lots of relationships for Chris
- My personal story about sitting with friends and talking about why we admire each other, and the impact this had on us
- How the experience helped Chris learn about his friends and family and reflect on his own life and childhood
Resources & LinksA reminder – I have a two-part episode about men’s friendships, Episode 31 and 32.
Be sure to check out Conversations: Connecting with People in Our Livesby Chris Burnett, which is now available on Amazon.
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When DeeDee Moore became a grandparent, she had a hard time finding resources that would help her with the transition.
So, she created one: More than Grand – which has online and downloadable content – covers topics that matter to parents and grandparents, from finding meaningful ways to connect to the latest trends in childcare.
DeeDee joins us today as we talk about the importance of diversity in grandparent relationships. What kinds of support do we need in this season of life? Who is the best person for that? Sometimes it’s children or grandchildren – but sometimes it’s not!
So often people think the answer to better social wellness is to whittle down connections. I think the opposite is true; the more we cut connections, the more pressure there is on the select few to fulfill ALL our social needs. We are unique, dynamic people that deserve to have social connection in a variety of ways. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- More Than Grand, which focuses on helping parents and grandparents communicate better with each other and transition new grandparents into their new role
- What is being a grandparent? What have we been told by society that grandparenting entails, and how are some of those messages harmful?
- How the hyper-focus of being a grandparent can put a lot of pressure on children and grandchildren to fulfill ALL social wellness needs
- The lack of control we have regarding whether or not we become grandparents – and other ways to get the “grandparent” experience
- Navigating the grandparent/adult child relationship, which changes when grandchildren arrive, and the importance of sharing expectations with each other
- Mixing family and friends at gatherings and the importance of being open to letting go of old traditions and embracing new ones
Resources & LinksLearn about More Than Grand through DeeDee’s website, Instagram, and Facebook, and check out DeeDee’s New Grandparent Essentials kit.
See the relationship framework about the types of friends and the roots of connection in your life that I mention in this episode. For even more on this topic, check out Episode 12 of this podcast.
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A few years ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I didn’t know it at the time, but ADHD was affecting so many areas of my life, including my friendships.
Navigating friendships with a neurodiverse brain is tricky. I talked about it in Episode 40, and here we delve into the topic again with today’s guest, Charlotte Dover, an ADHD life coach who supports late-diagnosed and self-diagnosed ADHD women.
Charlotte herself was diagnosed with ADHD at age 36 and has spent the past two and a half years learning about it from a personal perspective.
Listening back to this episode makes me emotional, but I think there’s power in putting this stuff out there. Hopefully today’s episode will create more understanding for the neurotypical people out there and help the neurodivergent listeners feel less alone. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Charlotte’s work with women who have ADHD and her personal journey of learning about her own diagnosis later in life
- The traits and tendencies that can make friendship for people with ADHD very difficult and how Charlotte and Alex combat some of these obstacles
- Common thought patterns (and thought spirals) for people with ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dyasphoria
- “Regulating” ourselves for our neurotypical friends – which might sometimes feel necessary but can also be hard work that keeps us from important experiences
- Loneliness – the definition of it and the importance of rethinking what we actually want out of our friendships (which might not always be a big birthday party!)
- How a new neurodivergent diagnosis can be like bringing a new person into the equation
Resources & LinksCharlotte Dover is an ADHD coach – follow her on Instagram, reach out to her via her website, and listen to her podcast, This Beautiful Chaos.
Tune in to Episode 40: Strawberry Friends: Forming Supportive Friendships While Neurodivergent
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This week, the Friendship IRL podcast turns a year old. One whole year!I launched this podcast knowing this was an important topic, but the more work I do, the more I think it’s such a fundamental thing we don’t talk enough about. People have told me this podcast makes them feel seen, which makes me so happy.
But here’s the thing: I cannot do this alone. The only way we make an impact is by people listening, reflecting, and by then making small changes in their own lives. Then, we create a ripple effect, making the social fabric out there a little tighter.
Today I’m talking about why I need you to care about friendship. For me, friendship is foundational, since I didn’t have a strong support system growing up. Here, I go a little deeper into my story.
If this is your first time listening to the podcast, or if you’ve been here for the very beginning: thank you. I’m really excited to dive in on year two. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- A year with Friendship IRL: we’ve covered loneliness, different types of friendships, societal problems that friendship/connection impacts, lived experiences and more
- My story, growing up in an unpredictable household with substance abuse present – and why friendship isn’t just “nice to have,” but foundational for so many
- How I relied on my friends, friends’ parents, coaches, neighbors, and people around me to learn how to get out of this and not be in survival mode anymore
- How I got creative when I couldn’t find that “all consuming” support system and built a broader support system for myself on instinct made up mostly of friends
- Reasons to care about friendship: for the people who are rock bottom, but also for the people who need support in more simple ways
- The phrase “I’m fine, it’s fine, everything’s fine,” and the relief you can feel when you finally get the thing you need
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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Last March, Erin Woodruff was walking through her neighborhood with her two-year-old daughter. It had been a long winter and it felt like spring would never come.
During the walk, Erin began wondering about her neighbors. Many were also moms of young children. Were they also depressed and tired of the cold weather? She wished she knew them better. So, she created a means to do so.
The next week, she hosted a “Favorite Things” party, a low-barrier gathering that had big effects. So much of the language regarding new friendships is about “joining” or “finding,” but here, Erin created her opportunity to get to know her neighbors better.
I was an event-planner for more than a decade, and I love helping people figure out how to pull off impactful, meaningful gatherings. In this episode, Erin and I talk in-depth about not only how to pull off an intentional neighborhood gathering, but why they’re so important. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Erin’s work as a communications coach and her resolution to make more friends that live close to her after a mid-pandemic move
- The Favorite Things party – the inspiration, the details, how she prepared for it, the intentions behind it, and why the format works well with new acquaintances
- How and why you sometimes want to keep things simple at gatherings – plus, how throwing a gathering like this creates more connection opportunities for the future
- Decision fatigue and the mantra Erin learned from her mother about focusing not on who didn’t come, but instead, at who did
- Creating intentional gatherings – thinking about what your goal is in a gathering and creating an environment in which you can reach that goal
Resources & LinksWant to throw a Favorite Things party? Here are Erin’s tips. Learn more about Erin’s coaching business and check out her podcast, the Time For You Podcast.
Want to learn more about intentional gatherings? Check out The Art of Gatheringby Priya Parker.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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What does it take for a friendship to be a constant in your life for two decades?
That’s what we’re talking about with today’s guest, Elise Enriquez, a productivity coach who gives us a behind-the-scenes look at her friendship with Andrea, which she says is one of the most meaningful relationships in her life.
Elise tells us about how she and Andrea became friends, how they built the friendship, how they stayed connected through life’s big transitions, and how they fill the time between the “bright light” moments of their friendship.
They provide so many tangible examples of how they keep in touch. A lot of the time, that’s where the magic is – in the small, simple ways we show up for each other, those mundane details that can make the biggest impact. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Elise and Andrea’s friendship: how they met, how they became close, and how they navigated through some major life changes, from divorces and kids to new marriages
- Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in friendships, which gives other people an opportunity to really see us
- “Doing life” with our friends – debriefing in real time or spending time with them – instead of spending our time together doing catch-up
- Bright light moments in friendship, the darkness between them, and the everyday touchpoints that can fill that darkness
- Creating more “roots” or strands in your friendship that make it easier to keep connections active, from a regular activity or shared interest
Resources & Links
Learn more about Elise and follow her on Instagram!
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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Today’s episode is with Terri Huggins Hart, an award-winning journalist who has written for Parents, Good Housekeeping, and other major publications all over the country.
Back in 2015, she wrote an article on her blog, “What Everyone Ought to Know About Never Having a Best Friend,” that went viral. Turns out, many readers also related to never having had a best friend.
If you’ve been listening to this podcast, then you probably know I don’t like the term “best friend.” It’s too all-encompassing, and it’s too much pressure for one relationship.
Here, Terri and I talk about rewiring how we think of our closest relationships, the lack of language for friendship, and how the most important thing is creating connections that feel good to us – regardless of how society says they’re supposed to look. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The lack of language for friendships and the space between “best friend, “friend” and “acquaintance”
- Thinking about friendships in terms of how we think about physical care – there is no “one-size-fits-all” – you don’t want your dentist tending to your gynecological needs
- The wellness culture and the narrow definition of what makes somebody “well” or “fit” or “healthy,” and how it often leaves out marginalized or neurodivergent populations
- Things that are often simpler than they seem – and how it’s often us who make them more complicated than they need to be
- Why many people don’t want to talk about best friends – both because they feel ashamed and because they don’t want their own friends to feel slighted
Resources & LinksBe sure to read the viral article on Terri’s blog from 2015, “What Everyone Ought to Know About Never Having a Best Friend.”
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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If you’re getting out there and meeting new people, there’s no getting around the fact that you’re going to have to do some small talk.
I don’t think I’ve met a single person who’s told me they truly enjoy small talk. Many go to extreme lengths to avoid it. One reason people despise it? It’s Ground Zero. Our brains are wired for familiarity and certainty. Small talk is neither.
But as with most things, the more you do it, the better you get at it. I dread small talk, and I’m an extrovert – but over time, I’ve built that muscle and developed a few tricks I hope you find useful.
So that’s what today’s episode is all about. Small talk: what it is, why it’s necessary, and how to get through it fast, effectively and curiously so that you can get to those deeper and, frankly, more interesting conversations. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Small talk – what it is, who it’s with, what it’s about, and why it often feels uncomfortable
- Looking at small talk in relation to working out (it’s a warm-up) or a long run (it takes a few miles before getting to the runner’s high/deeper conversations)
- Ways to make small talk feel less awkward – for example, just being honest and acknowledging the awkwardness!
- Questions to ask yourself before going into a gathering that will involve small talk such as, why am I here? What will make this gathering a success for me?
- Finding common threads, ripping the band-aid off, and using low-priority topics as building blocks for high-priority ones
- Setting yourself up for success in small talk (and setting other people up for success, too) – plus, how to get OUT of small talk
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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Moving somewhere new? Here’s some advice from today’s guest: Get stuff on your walls.Michele Reichman is a personal trainer, health coach, mom, and, most pertinent to today’s conversation, a military spouse. Often, her family doesn’t know how long they’ll be in a place, so when they get there, they waste no time turning it into their home.
Creating community is her way of doing that, and today, we discuss actionable ways she does this, from joining local groups to using social media as a tool.
Because for Michele, it’s not even that community and friendship are NICE to have – it’s a necessity for her and her family. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How sometimes it can feel awkward asking somebody to do something with you – and how to get over that awkwardness
- The Liking Gap (which you can learn about in Episode 41) about how we assume people find interactions with us less enjoyable than they actually do
- Modeling friendship for the next generation, and the tips Michele gave her daughter about inviting a friend to hang out
- Getting stuff up on the wall – i.e., taking action on things fast, from saying that first “hello” at a party to joining local groups/events/meet-ups, especially after a move
- How Michele found people in her new home with similar interests/ideals, from hosting a boot camp and joining a church to using the “search” tab on social media
- The different kinds of relationships you can form with people in a new community – for example, Michele’s old neighbors were like second grandparents to her kids
Resources & LinksMichele can be found on her website and on Instagram.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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Picture this. You’ve been friends with somebody for 40 years. You’ve always lived close by.
Then, one of you moves across the world. Suddenly you have to Zoom to stay in touch – but talking online with somebody you’re used to sitting on a couch with feels uncomfortable. You might think there’s something wrong with your friendship. The reality? This is just a new way of connecting.
Today’s guest, Ivana Ivanek, an online business coach and podcast host of Fabulous by Design, and I talk about the evolving ways we connect and spend time with our friends. She shares vulnerably about how her move abroad to follow her dreams impacted her friendships.
It has me thinking about my own friendships that feel sticky, and I think a lot of people will identify with her same frustrations. Why is it so hard to connect with this friend I’m so close to? How can we change our ways of connecting? How can we lean into this discomfort to make it work? In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Ivana’s move from Austria to experience her dream and live by the sea – and the struggles she found maintaining long-distance friends with the time zone differences
- The “online isn’t real” myth, and how to build fulfilling online connections by being ACTIVE and intentional about your interactions
- Getting out of our comfort zones to maintain friendships and the feeling of not staying true to old friends by making new connections
- How highly-sensitive people might actually find connecting with people online less draining than in person
- Why it’s so easy to have all-consuming friendships as kids – and why it doesn’t always work that way as adults
Resources & LinksCheck out Ivana’s podcast, Fabulous by Design, which I recently was a guest on and follow along on Instagram.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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The energy it takes to raise little ones is intense. Parents and caregivers NEED friends because this is not a job you should have to go about alone.
Today’s guest is Emily Siegel. She is a friendship coach, mentor, podcast host of The Connected Mom Life, and a working mom of two little boys. In this episode, we cover the realities of mom friendship.
We discuss how to make building and maintaining friendships easier during this hectic stage of life, and Emily shares great advice for what has worked for her. If you’re a parent, try out some of her tips! As she says in this episode, life feels so much lighter with people by your side. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Being forward about wanting and desiring friends – and how sometimes people, especially parents, are grateful for forwardness
- Building the friendship muscle – the more you invest in a new relationship, over time, it will feel less like work
- Friendship between friends with kids and friends without kids, and friendship between people who are in different seasons of life
- Emily’s “moms’ night out” weekly open door which has no barriers for entry (sweatpants, no planning to be done, no RSVP required)
- Three things Emily tells moms who are trying to make new friends – plus, using phones and social media to actually ACCELERATE friendships
- Lowering the bar for what friendship means and finding new ways to be friends while going through life’s transitions
Resources & LinksFollow Emily Siegel on Instagram, listen to her podcast, The Connected Mom Life, and visit her website.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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Recently, somebody asked me how to go about friendship demotions.
I think it’s super common to go through a season in friendships where things feel good – and then, something changes. We aren’t talking about these friendship shifts enough. But “demoting” a friend has a bad feeling to it. Instead, what if we talked about building a better version of friendship for right now?
That’s what today’s episode is about – reframing the idea of a friendship demotion and offering 3 "do-the-work" options.
It will likely take time for these changes to become normal, but I hope this episode provides insight into how you might create new, beautiful versions of your friendships that suit your lives right now. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Friendship as a “plate” with things that keep getting added onto it – which often isn’t sustainable long-term
- Getting more specific about what we expect from our friends and what they expect from us, and allowing for adjustments as time goes on
- Questions to ask yourself, such as, what do you enjoy about this friendship? How do you feel most supported by it? What’s meaningful about it to you?
- The myth of the no-sweat, no-conflict relationship, and asking yourself what work you’re willing to do
- Focusing on feelings in the midst of friendship conflicts and brainstorming how you both can “win”
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Making friends is one area in life where you just need to go out there and do it.
It might involve being a little uncomfortable. It takes time and practice to get used to navigating these situations – and no episode illustrates this better than this one.
Today’s guest, Deasha, has made and maintained friendships with people all over the world. She’s done it so many times, she trusts that when she goes out and does what she wants to do, she’s going to meet people while doing it. This confidence gives her the power to travel solo and make the big life choices.
I listened to today’s episode and was inspired to put myself out there a little bit more. I hope you feel the same way, and maybe decide to take a small action or two in your life – to be a little uncomfortable, and build this muscle that is making new connections. In this episode you’ll hear about:
* Deasha’s experiences meeting people online and turning them into real friends, and, her friendship advice
* Being friends with somebody for only a season of life, and being okay with falling out – plus, putting yourself in spaces where you’ll meet the kind of people you want to meet
* Consistency in friendship and how to remove the friendship “administrative” work by creating recurring gatherings
* The power of spending more time thinking about what could go RIGHT vs. what could go wrong – and the skills you gain when things DO go wrong
* How the skill of making friends can give you the confidence to make the big life choices, from big travels and big moves to trying new things
Resources & LinksDeasha is accredited by Facebook as a Lead Trainer and Community Manager. Connect with Deasha on her website or on Facebook.Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
A year ago, I went on a walk with a friend who’s around the age of my parents. I shared how I wished my parents and in-laws found other people to talk to besides just me. Doing so would not only make them happier – it would take some pressure off, too!
At the end of the walk, my friend said she saw herself in my story. And I actually think a lot of people will see themselves in this story. Boomers and Gen X generations were told by society that focusing on careers and families would bring fulfillment.
The impact? So many of them don’t have a robust social wellness net. This is an important (and possibly divisive!) topic that we’re talking about today with Janelle, whose online platform tackles motherhood and that sometimes tricky relationship with the in-laws.
I hope this episode helps start a conversation about the impact our own social wellness can have on our parents, children, and in-laws – that way, we can put our attention there and work on it. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Janelle’s platform, which contains content about motherhood and navigating in-law relationships – how it started, and how it’s going
- Generational expectations and pressure, and how much of this comes from older generations not having strong social wellness situations or hobbies
- The impact of social media on wellness – the good and the bad – for different generations, Gen Z to Boomers
- The skill set required to take a friendship out of shared experiences, plus, the importance of modeling friendship for your kids
- The easy ask – asking someone close to you for advice or help, even if they’re not the right person – and how this can weigh heavily on the people we love
- The problem with the “family is family” perspective and creating NEW rules and boundaries
Resources & LinksFollow Janelle on TikTok and visit her page, which is a place for in-law support.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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Ever been in a friendship trio? It can be complicated, right?
I get questions about friendship trios all the time, and today, we’re finally tackling this topic with my guest, Brandi Cambric. We cover maintaining a friendship for multiple decades, introducing your closest friends, and existing in a friendship trio. The good, the hard, and the reality!
If you’re out there looking for a friendship trio, today’s story is going to make you realize it’s not always easy. It’s definitely not equal. Everybody fits their roles. Everybody supports their individual friendships. Everybody puts in the work.
While recording, I had a big, stupid smile on my face. I love sharing these stories – the ups and downs, the journey of these friendships. This isn’t the only way to approach a friendship trio – it’s just an option. My hope is that you’ll take what feels right for you.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Brandi’s real-life friendship trio between two friends – one she’s had for 32 years, the other for 20, and how she introduced them to each other
- Friends who hold different parts of your life – it’s not a competition, and it won’t be equal, just different
- The places where people often get in trouble with friendship trios, and how to maintain a strong triangle (hint: each side/relationship needs to be strong!)
- The sides of the triangle, which won’t be equilateral – at times, it will be lopsided, some lines longer than others
- The importance of refilling your “well” in friendships, and how Brandi refills hers by disconnecting
Resources & LinksConnect with Brandi on LinkedIn and Instagram or through her work as COO of Joseph Consulting Firm.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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Have you ever regretted a conversation with a stranger or acquaintance?
To be fair, reflecting on past interactions isn’t a bad thing. Maybe you said something that was slightly offensive. Maybe you said something not knowing a person’s full circumstances and worried you may have triggered them.
What you probably experienced was the Liking Gap. Research shows that people often underestimate how well they’re liked after interactions. More often than not, we are our own hardest critics. Today, we dig into the Liking Gap and discuss how to overcome it.
It might not feel that important having meaningful conversations with strangers or casual acquaintances, but it sets the foundation for other relationships and impacts our feelings of belonging, which is a basic human need for survival. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The “Liking Gap” – how it’s measured and why it happens, from being too self-critical to feeling uncertain
- Weak ties – the innate trust we sometimes feel in random strangers or acquaintances – and how this trust has deteriorated over the decades
- How sometimes, we are so focused on wanting to be liked that we miss signals from the other person and are less present – plus, ways to overcome the Liking Gap
- The studies that show people (introverts and extroverts!) feel happier and more connected when they have deep conversations with people they just met
- Questions you can ask to start deeper conversations and techniques for more positive interactions with strangers
Resources & LinksCheck out some studies on The Liking Gap in Psychological Science, the American Psychological Association and Science Magazine.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be.”This quote by Heidi Priebe beautifully summarizes what I’m talking about in this episode – neurodiversity and nuances in friendships – with my guest Sadie, a self-connection coach and recovering people pleaser. It’s a subject I’ve been wanting to cover for ages.
Personally, I was diagnosed with ADHD two and a half years ago. Sadie was recently diagnosed with Autism. Today, we discuss it all: letting friendships go, building new ones, and building up new versions of existing friendships after learning you’re neurodiverse.
There are so many blanket statements about making and keeping friends. But if we dive into these nuances and subtleties in our friendships, this is what’s going to make it easier to keep them. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Sadie’s experience learning that she’s neurodivergent later in life and how this impacted her friendships
- How interactions that neurotypical people see as easy can often be quite draining for neurodivergent people
- The “scripts” we give ourselves on how to act in certain situations – and how these scripts prevent us from being our most authentic, true selves in friendships
- Managing differences in friendships (check out Episode 15 for more on this!) and how doing this makes it easier for neurodivergent people in friendships
- Strawberry Friends – the people with whom you can be yourself around the most and don’t feel forced to spend time with
- The relief we can feel after learning that we’re neurodivergent – and also the grief we can feel about past interactions and years of struggle
Resources & LinksConnect with Sadie on her website or on Instagram at @thiscuriouslifecoaching.Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
In North America, there are laws in place that make it more difficult to connect.
Zoning and parking laws impact the amount of foot traffic in a town, which consequently affects the number and kinds of third places in a town. People often talk about how these laws impact things like home values or crime – but rarely do they touch on their social implications.
Joining me today is Nathan Allebach, a creative director, marketer, and lover of walkable communities. He has a wealth of knowledge on this topic, and of third places; at the end of this interview, I felt like I’d taken a college course on third places and walkable communities – even though I’d already read up on quite a lot of this.
Want to see more third places? Listening to this podcast is a step. Build awareness for yourself. Follow the organizations Nathan mentions. Talk to local businesses about it. Big changes start with awareness, followed by small changes. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How so many people are having to choose between their financial goals and social wellness – and how third places can be a solution for that
- Our own “third places” growing up – Walmart, Target, the mall, a car – and what millennials have done to try to create their own third places
- Mixed-use zoning, which means shops existed where people lived, and the affect Post World War II America had on this
- Building regulations that impact third places: single family zoning, setback requirements, minimum lot size/square footage requirements; parking requirements
- The roles of race and class in third places, and the impact cars have had on them in history and today
- Guerilla activism, and small things you can do to make an impact: plant street trees; advocate for public art, new benches, zoning and parking reforms; pay attention
Resources & LinksBe sure to follow Nathan Allebach on Instagram and TikTok!
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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Sometimes it's nice to just have a space to “exist” – to laugh and let go and feel light. I’ve mentioned third places in other episodes, and today, I dive deep into this concept – what they are, their decline, and ideas for bringing them back.
The “third place” was coined by sociologist Ray Oldenburg and refers to the place people spend their time after their “first place” (home) and their “second place” (work). They’re meant to be community hubs – places where people can exchange ideas, build relationships, and have a good time.
Here, I talk about the history of the third place and their decline in the past half century. So if you’re out there feeling like a bad friend for not calling people back or because you don’t know your neighbors, give yourself some grace – it’s a little more difficult than it once was.
I’m a total nerd about this topic, and this will be the first in many episodes talking about third places, from the laws and policy decisions that affect them, to how they might look in the future. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- What a third places is by Oldenburg’s definition and examples – libraries, parks, museums, social services, low-cost businesses
- How third places cultivate a sense of belonging and trust – plus, the populations that especially benefit from them: teens, the elderly, and people with disabilities
- The history of third places, from the 1800s through post World War II and the “American Dream” – plus, third place “replacements,” i.e., places where you pay to gain entry
- How some modern day third places are more focused on self than the community (for example, getting in better shape, leaning into your hobby, etc.)
- Ideas to bring third places back, from using a third place (going to the park, the library, or the neighborhood cafe) to following people who are talking about this
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
TRIGGER WARNING: In this episode we talk about depression and suicide.
Building friendships and community is a skill that takes hard work to master.
For many people, such as myself and today’s guest, Noah, building these connections isn’t just for fun. It’s also about survival. Today, we talk about growing up in a household where you don’t feel seen or supported and then going off on your own – only to realize you’ve never developed the skillset to make friends and build community.
As humans, we’re not meant to go through this life alone, and nothing reminds us of that more than when we feel alone. Eventually, Noah did find his chosen family, which was critical to battling his depression while living in Florida, where there’s a lot of anti-LGBTQIA+ legislation.
So many people think they need to understand you to accept you, but the reality is, we’re never going to understand why and how each person in the world lives – and we don’t need to in order to accept them for who they are. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Noah’s life after high school: studying drama in college and moving to Miami, where he fell into a deep depression
- Fear of rejection in friendship – beginners have to get out there and build resilience and NOT view themselves as simply bad at making friends or unworthy
- How, until you become an adult, you might not HAVE to make friends – your family chooses where you live, your community, and the precedent for what’s acceptable
- Making friends with people with whom you don’t feel like yourself as a means of surviving this phase of life
- The messages society tells us – if you’re low, get yourself out of it – and the alternative to create a community who can hold and love you when you’re in your low points
Resources & LinksThere are only four states in the U.S. that don’t have active anti-LGBTQ legislation. Check out the ACLU website to see what bills are live in your state.
Check out Noah’s podcast, “Severely Personal” and the Man Enough podcast.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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Today’s episode begins with a decision to book plane tickets to California over my birthday and stay with some friends who were going through a medical emergency. They needed an extra hand with day-to-day things: think cooking, laundry, and walking their dog.
Now, I’m not a big birthday person (never have been).
At a certain point in my life, I probably would have been thrilled to be alone on my birthday. Even though society says I should need “everyone” to text me and call me and throw me a big party and do all these things.
So why is it that I found myself alone at the beach in tears with such an overwhelming sense of gratitude?
Tune in to hear more of how this story unfolded, including why we need a “web” of people around us for support and assurance, and the magic of creating filters to decide where you're investing your energy.
Let today be the first day of your little, consistent, actions. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Having solid support systems that can inspire us to take risks, believe in ourselves, get outside of our comfort zones, and bring our wildest dreams to life
- My messy process of how I went from feeling so lonely in a room full of people to feeling supported, starting with a set of reflection questions you can ask yourself to get really intentional about your existing relationships
- Turning the dial up on what’s working well in your current friendships. How can you lean in more and take it to the next level?
- The importance of setting boundaries or even letting go of friendships that are no longer serving us - but not letting that energy detract from focusing on what we want to add to our life with friends
- A simple task you can try to build intentional connection that involves just 5 minutes of space on your calendar each day (or 30 minutes once per week)
- Having a “mental Rolodex” of hundreds or thousands of small moments. This alone will bring you the confidence to tell your friends when you need them. Having a support system is beautiful
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Go back and listen to Episode 19: The One for Little Alex, to hear more about my story.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
If the title didn't already tell you, we're talking about grief and loss today.
Suzanne Jabour is a transformational coach, certified Grief Educator, and grieving mom who has found meaning in her loss through opening up conversations about grief, including how we can support people experiencing it and how to help grievers to chart their unique “grief path.”
Suzanne and I really get to the heart of it in this conversation. We open up about how we are showing up for the people in our lives that are grieving, which can often feel uncomfortable. But the only way we're going to grow and change and show up better for the people that we love is by reflecting and choosing to consciously do things differently the next time. And luckily, this episode has so many tangible, real life examples.
And if you're looking for more examples of how to show up for someone in grief, contact Suzanne via the links below.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The fear and shame cycles we can fall into when a friend is experiencing grief, and how it prevents curiosity and creative problem solving
- How to support a grieving person in the early, initial stages of their grief (and how it can be most helpful to “show up messy” and offer your best skill set)
- The beauty of picking out the smallest possible actions and actually doing them - for your grieving friend, it may be a one-way street, but a simple heart emoji or “thinking of you” text can mean the world
- People need support for much longer than we think - don’t show up wholeheartedly in the beginning and then fizzle out. Think about how you can continue to support the griever even months later
- How to deal with probing questions from well-intentioned friends and shift the energy in the room back to a safer ground
- Grief is a constant in our lives, and we have to normalize it! Grief can sometimes be a small loss, other times it can feel like an earthquake. No matter how big or small the grief is, all of those losses need to be grieved
Resources & LinksConnect with Suzanne on her website, A Lived Experience and follow her on Instagram at @a.lived.experience and on Facebook.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
How does friendship affect introverts?
This is a topic I’ve been wanting to bring to the podcast for a long time, and since I’m an extrovert who is constantly energized by having people around me, I’m bringing in Becky Mollenkamp, a self-proclaimed “hardcore introvert” who likes to be alone a lot of the time.
Becky and I drop into the real, raw behind the scenes of how being an introvert has affected her friendships and how she’s created the experiences she desires. We also cover how to balance introverted and extroverted friendships, how to protect your friends’ time and boundaries, and why we often mix up what it truly means to be an introvert.
If you’ve ever told yourself “I'm a bad friend,” or “I am just not good at this,” or “I'm never going to make new friends,” those thoughts are VALID, and a lot of people are experiencing something similar.
I hope this conversation makes you feel a lot less alone. So much energy is spent comparing what we “think” friendship should look like, when in reality, we should take that energy and think about how to build relationships that feel good for us. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The limiting beliefs Becky has held on to about friendship, and why it’s sometimes easier for her to forgo investing time and energy into friendships in favor of being alone
- Becky recaps her experiences with friendship through childhood and beyond college. Most of her friends were only there for a season since she moved around so much
- Attachment styles, and how your given attachment style can affect how you form close relationships (and potentially sabotage them)
- “The Liking Gap” and why most people actually underestimate how much another person likes them
- Most of what we see in society is an extroverted vision of friendship. We talk about what it looks like to have a friendship amongst introverts, or where one person in the friendship is an introvert
- Spending time together will look differently for introverts than it will for extroverts. As such, some friends will spend more time together as they have similar energies, but there are ways to make introverted friendships even more fulfilling
Resources & LinksConnect with Becky on Instagram at @beckymollenkamp, LinkedIn, Twitter, or on her website.
Check out the article, The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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Today is one of those episodes where you get to sit on my big couch in my living room with me and Nkem Chukwumerije, having a late night conversation where we're trying to figure out life. And it's SO good.
Nkem (she/they) is a Nigerian-American writer, transformational program designer, artist, teacher, and energy cultivation practitioner. Her style of being in the world is intentional, (com)passionate, idealistic, pleasure-centered, and wisdom-centered. All of these attributes are woven throughout her art and projects, the programs she creates, and the way she works with her communities.
Nkem is at a place where she’s ready to redefine what friendship means in her own life. We explore interracial, intercultural, and interspiritual aspects, masculine and feminine dynamics, along with the healing power of community and why we need to normalize social wellness as a constant journey.
I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on this episode. Daydream, reflect, and let it give you the inspiration to think about how friendships are playing out in your life.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Nkem shares her many experiences with friendships, including the intensity of having friends for just a season, and how moving around a lot has affected the types of friends she’s attracting
- The balance between having a powerful community around you to support you, and also having the power to show up for yourself and validate yourself without having to outsource your burdens
- What it was like for Nkem to grow up as an American, understanding her Nigerian roots and building “protected spaces” rather than following the mainstream ideals of “the American Dream”
- The ripple effect we can create within “friend group cultures” and how to navigate, accept, and grieve our friends’ life transitions
- Normalizing social wellness as a “constant journey” - some friends are not meant to be in our lives forever. Plus, how the feminine and the masculine dynamic can apply
Resources & LinksConnect with Nkem on Instagram at @wellspringwords and @naturallyfree123. Her website wellspringwords.love is home to her virtual writing studio.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Men’s friendships feel like a big ball of yarn with thousands of strings that we have to untangle. In Part 2 of today’s episode, we’re delving into the small actions we can start to take to bring men back into the fold into community and into connection.
Some of this work starts with having open conversations out loud. I’ll share some tangible questions you can talk about with the men in your life, plus we’ll dive into how men can begin to prioritize the logistics around the friendships in their lives, and even change the culture of their existing relationships by asking deeper questions.
No more comparing men’s friendships to women's friendships or romantic relationships.
I don’t think men can do this alone - we ALL have to be in this together! (And if you haven't already, go back and listen to Episode 31 for Part 1: All About Men's Friendships). In this episode you’ll hear about:
- What we need to start paying attention to - from moments where men are shutting down in conversations, to societal messages that say men’s friendships are “lesser than”
- How my husband Michael has built a consistent connection point with his friends through a Fantasy Football league.
- Why friendship should not be an afterthought for men. They shouldn't feel the need to complete every other thing in their life before they spend time with their friends.
- The importance of discussing the meaning of social capital out loud and with the men in your life: How are you maintaining relationships? How much work is it? How are those relationships supporting your life? What vital roles are they playing?
- How Michael and I handle prioritization around our time together vs. our friends. What do we do if we’re invited to a birthday party the same night as a scheduled date night? We’re not always each other’s “person” for everything in life.
Resources & LinksTune in to Episode 2: Your Friendships Are As Important As Your Romantic Relationships
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
The more I think about men's friendships, the more fired up I get. If I could paint an analogy for you, men’s friendships feel like a big ball of yarn with thousands of strings that we have to untangle.
There are a lot of narrowly defined stories about how a man should “be” in today’s society - they should be powerful, they should provide and be self-sufficient, and they should be in control. But just because society was built for men, by men, does not mean these systems are working for the modern man.
Studies show that men have nearly the same amount of friends as women, but their fear of vulnerability and authenticity prevents them from creating genuine, meaningful connections.
So let’s dig in and talk about the three systems of power that are keeping men in these very narrow boxes. And stay tuned as Part 2 comes out next week to explore more ideas around this topic. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Being a man can be lonely. Between suicide rates, mental health, drops in admission and graduation for higher education, and higher earnings, what does all this mean to “be a man”?
- Why we’re in a weird, limbo place with redefining the definition of masculinity. Men are “allowed” to be more vulnerable, but the boundaries are so unclear.
- A breakdown of the 3 systems of power that are keeping men in a box, including capitalism and white supremacy.
- The many issues that are affecting men’s friendships with women - women can be so much more than just romantic and sexual partners.
- Why men struggle to make meaningful connections in their community, especially with the loss of “third spaces” and circumstantial situations, like going through a divorce or navigating a new life as a widower.
Resources & LinksBooks mentioned include All About Love, The Will to Change, How We Show Up, The Road Less Traveled, Bowling Alone, and Fair Play.
I also recommend the works of Alok Vaid-Menon. Tune in to his episode on the Man Enough podcast.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
As much as I love having the hard conversations and talking about the big life moments, sometimes it's just as fun to talk about how community and friendship are really working.
Vickie Leuenberger traded cold Canadian winters to live full-time on a boat cruising the Caribbean Sea and its surrounding islands. She fuels her adventurous lifestyle through 4 different streams of income.
Her stories of unexpected generosity and kindness from complete strangers, especially in moments of adversity, will give you the chills. She also shares so many practical and actionable tips for anyone who is curious about this alternative lifestyle.
My biggest takeaway is that the cruising community is so much richer and more beautiful than I could have anticipated, and I think it’s safe to say that many of us are craving the types of experiences Vickie talks about in this episode.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- “Cruising culture”, what surprised Vickie the most about living on a sailboat, and how she stayed mentally prepared for the adventure
- The fast and furious nature of building community - including the unexpected generosity of other cruisers when Vickie’s motor died on her boat
- How the cruising lifestyle changed Vickie’s perspective about family and relationships (it’s actually common for some cruisers to have children who live on land after experiencing sailing for many years!)
- The beauty of the Caribbean’s relationship-centric approach to life - rather than focusing on consumerism, it’s all about who you are connected to
- How Vickie now helps set the tone of cruising culture with new cruisers by leading the way and showing them the ropes
- Why curiosity is the #1 skill you need to have to be successful living on water (curiosity solves most problems!)
- Vickie’s favorite tips for anyone considering this lifestyle, including getting formal training, avoiding cheap equipment and electricity, joining Facebook groups, and yes, even getting couples therapy first, if you’re sailing with a partner
Resources & LinksConnect with Vickie on her website, Facebook and Instagram.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Are you blocking yourself from making beautiful connections?
My favorite thing is meeting people I never would have met otherwise and today’s guest, Manpreet Singh is one of them. He wears multiple hats as a father, son, husband, and friend to many beautiful souls. His definition of friendship? Comfort.
This is one of those conversations where I really was IN it. Manpreet and I talk about breaking the ice when making new friends, the magic of “third places”, and what friendship means to both of us. There is so much to glean from this episode. I was expanding my own thoughts about friendship, people's experiences, and am now thinking about it so much differently.
Friendship IS possible for all of us and building new connections and embracing the discomfort along the way is one of the most powerful skill sets we can have. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The beauty of meeting new people for the first time. It can be uncomfortable at first to break the ice, but there’s a secret to minimizing the awkwardness.
- Why friendship is all about unsaid “comfort” - it’s about being yourself, letting your guard down, and spending time together without needing to prove yourself.
- The all-too-common trend of blocking potentially incredible connections. It’s simply not true that your best connections are made in your first two decades of life.
- Why it’s better to loosen our expectations of friendship, co-create together, and just allow our friends to be there for us, even if we lose touch for years at a time.
- The scarcity mindset society has around friendship that is making us feel lonely.
- Bonding with friends when we’re going through our lowest points in life: divorce, heartbreak, financial turmoil. We can choose to stay open and vulnerable.
- The lack of “third places” that exist in today’s society and why that makes it even harder to form new friendships.
Resources & LinksConnect with Manpreet Singh on LinkedIn and YouTube.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Can you imagine what it would be like to find “unicorn friends”? The kind you can have adult slumber parties with and just “exist” and do life with, unapologetically?
You’re about to hear an incredibly inspiring story of friendship between two families. Dr. Erika Michalski is an aggressive optimist, fierce authenticity advocate, and the founder of Strategically Authentic, a consulting company dedicated to helping individuals and teams leverage who they are to get where they want to be. Did I mention she’s also passionate about data, documentaries, dance parties, and dessert?
If things are feeling hard and limiting in your friendships, maybe the answer is to think outside of societal norms. To smash the box, and instead, build what feels right to you. I'm so excited for the conversations that are going to come out of listening to this one. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The challenges of building relationships where we’re constantly in a state of apology. The secret to authenticity is just existing as ourselves - not apologizing for our house being a mess!
- Flipping friendship questions back on yourself: Do you even want this friendship? What do YOU bring? What are you looking for? You have to serve yourself.
- The moment where Erika and her family formed a near “instant” friendship with another couple and their children (plus, how their story roots were created)
- What it means to have “unicorn friends” and how Erika’s most sacred memories in her friendship are tied to having adult slumber parties
- How to make your friends feel deeply valued and be able to enjoy the endless “do nothing” space that exists after you get past the barriers of catching up
Resources & LinksConnect with Dr. Erika Michalski on her website or follow her on Instagram at @consultantbarbie.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
What is loneliness? It’s a feeling a lot of people are having nowadays. And if we can get to the heart of this question, we can come up with some strategies to minimize it for ourselves.
Cigna conducted a study in 2022 and revealed that 58% (!) of people say they always or sometimes feel like people don’t know them well.
So today I want to talk about loneliness. I want to talk about its definition, the 3 types that researchers have found, and why I think having an understanding of the concept of loneliness can help us combat it.
Loneliness does not have to be an elusive mystery. There are things we can do to redirect our energy and slowly chip away at this feeling so we can all feel a little less lonely. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The definition of loneliness, and how it differs from social isolation. Isolation is a risk factor for loneliness, but it is not loneliness
- 3 dimensions of loneliness: intimate or emotional loneliness, relational or social loneliness, and collective loneliness
- Why some of our loneliness can be blamed on our expectations that come from societal messages, pop culture, mass media, social media, or even expectations we’re holding on to about a certain friendship
- How to recalibrate our expectations by ignoring the the shiny, unrealistic highlight reels of someone else’s life in favor of celebrating the quiet moments we have with friends that may not be that interesting from the outside looking in
- The incredible value of pouring into our “weak ties” and building a broader support system, rather than focusing on one or two relationships
Resources & LinksLearn more about loneliness at Campaign to End Loneliness and read their facts and statistics about loneliness here.
Check out the book Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World by Vivek H. Murthy.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
When some of your closest people move across the world, there are so many things to learn - whether it’s a new appreciation for the beauty that can come out of people you love moving far away, or even getting to witness the new communities they built.
Travel blogger Amber Haggerty is here to talk about the balance of building intentional expat friendships and making a new community of friends after you move. It's actually a pretty wild story - Amber was on vacation when lockdown happened and decided to make a permanent move to Ireland, where she’s now been living for the past two and a half years.
Today’s conversation is filled with so many honest moments and I hope it helps you approach long-distance relationships with your friends in a whole new way, with a little more intention and thought.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The constant pull of navigating your relationships back home, vs. the new people you’re meeting when you move away (and why Amber works under the assumption that she’ll be in Ireland “for the foreseeable future”)
- Amber shares how she sets boundaries with out-of-town guests who want to visit her, while offloading some of the emotional and non-emotional labor of hosting to avoid resentment
- Approaching travel itineraries with curiosity - sometimes it’s not as straightforward or easy to get from one European country to another! Consider asking yourself, “is there a version of this that would be fun?”
- How to create enjoyable “workcations” with friends to maximize quality time together. Plus, how to be a great guest.
- The sometimes complicated dynamics of making “couple friends” and what to do if you prefer to invest more into one person within the couple.
- How Amber curated an “intentional friend group” on Bumble that she can invest into outside of her relationship.
Resources & LinksCheck out Amber’s travel blog, Amber Everywhere (especially if you’re planning a trip to Ireland), and follow her on Instagram at @amber.everywhere.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
The pain from friendship break-ups is real.
Society doesn’t give them the same weight as romantic break-ups, but sometimes they can leave you even more broken. When I had my own friendship break-up, I cried myself to sleep multiple nights a week for almost a year.
Today’s guest is Patrice Poltzer, whose friendship break-up was with a high school friend who she remained close with until the birth of her first child. She describes their parting as one of the greatest tragedies and mysteries of her life.
Patrice and I are not alone in feeling this way. The friendship break-up is one of this show’s most requested topics. We need to normalize the fact that not all friendships last forever. They have highs, lows, and some end very painfully. But, as Patrice says, maybe this is okay - it allows us more room to expand our hearts and let other people in. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The story of Patrice’s friendship break-up and the repercussions it had on her life for years afterward
- How sometimes with deep friendship break-ups, you can’t move to being surface-level friends
- “Best friends” in pop culture vs. real life, and how, as adults, the term “best friend” is too all-encompassing
- Part of what makes some friendship break-ups so hard is that these friends knew us during important moments in our lives – potentially when nobody else knew us
- How even after a friendship break-up, the history is always there; it’s like walking into a room you’ve been in before and being flooded with memories
- The need to normalize that friendships have highs and lows, and not all friendships are meant to last forever
Resources & LinksFollow Patrice at patricepoltzercreative.com or on her Instagram.Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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Today’s guest is life coach Brenda Bloczynski, who reached out to us to share about a friendship group she’s a part of with her church. It began as a “favorites” group that met via Marco Polo – a video messaging mobile app – right at the pandemic’s start. They shared favorite kitchen gadgets, make-up lines, hacks, etc.
Over time, it grew to become so much more. After lockdown, the women began meeting for regular dinners, breakfast clubs, and girls’ weekends. When one member was diagnosed with cancer, the rest gathered behind to support her.
Digital connection is “at our fingertips” all the time, but Brenda’s story shows us that what’s important is how we USE these tools. Hers is a beautiful example of how something so simple can grow into a flourishing, supportive community. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Brenda’s story of how the Marco Polo group started and grew into what it is today – and how much of its success derives from being PRESENT with other people
- How people are often scared of big groups – but if you feel the magic of a group, you often want to bring others in so they can feel it too
- There is no “equal exchange” in friendship – and why instead, we should think about nourishing our friends using our natural gifts
- How, as adults, society really champions the “catch-up” friends – but here, Brenda found a group of women to DO LIFE with as it happens, day by day.
- Group vacations, which are often most successful when you can break up and come back together at various points
- How Brenda’s friend group rallied around one of the members who was diagnosed with cancer
Resources & LinksConnect with Brenda on her website or on Instagram.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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The past few years, loneliness has become the new normal.
Yes, we want to learn how to self-soothe, to sit with ourselves, to be bored. What’s NOT good? Constantly wishing you had more connections. Society tells us that making friends is hard as an adult, but I believe we CAN impact this area of our life through small actions that build up over time.
So today, I’m going to tell you how I’m trying to figure out this problem in my own life through my 5 friendship goals for 2023 – plus the small actions I’m taking to get there. (Side note: listening to my episode about friendship goals might help in understanding today’s show.) In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How I’m mixing up my patterns and putting myself out there in the world, from having random conversations with people in coffee shops, to going to classes
- Benefits of formal communities, including: never knowing who will walk through the door, common goals, learning and improving ourselves, and different perspectives
- How I’m trying to make more business friends – specifically, entrepreneurs building online-based businesses – including partaking in more groups and saying YES
- One way Michael and I have decided to use our money to further our goals of spending more time with friends who’ve since moved far away from us
- How I’m reinvesting in my historic friendships, from connecting virtually to reinvigorating our old traditions through travel and check-ins
- Getting creative and using your resources to create your own systems to invest in social wellness
Resources & LinksVisit my website to see the “Your People” framework, which can help to understand your friends, family and community.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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A lot of us want direct beginnings and endings in friendship.
But the reality is, most of us are just riding a wave. We control our friendships less than we think we do, and life’s major transitions inevitably affect our relationships – sometimes causing these friendships to drift apart.
It’s important to remember these relationships – and how they existed during a period in our lives – will always be dear to us. Personally, I wish I could go back to when my friends lived 10 minutes away. But life changes, and dwelling on it doesn’t help me figure out the NOW.
This episode is Part 2 of my conversation with today’s guest, Kristian, who reached out to Friendship IRL after finding us on Apple Podcasts. Kristian is in her 20s, and today, we talk more about the relationship changes that happen during this age.
There is no exact answer on how to be a good friend as an adult. Your mid-20s represent a big transitional moment. But hopefully today’s discussion helps reframe how to approach these friendships – and takes some pressure off of them, too. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Musings about why romantic relationships might affect more female friendships than male friendships
- Getting together for “the deep stuff” vs. just getting together and doing things less emotionally intense – and why both are nice things to have in friendships
- How, with every new life stage, there are new people you’re putting more energy into and people you’re pivoting away from – which, of course, can hurt sometimes
- Drifting apart gradually vs. a big “friendship break-up,” and what to ask yourself when determining whether to put more energy into a friendship
- Friends who primarily prioritize their partners, and why talking about and prioritizing friendships is counter-cultural in so many circles
- How to use the business term MVP in looking at friendships
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
When we were kids, proximity was the basis for our friendships.
As adults, we have more control over our friendships than ever before. We get to choose where we’re going, what we’re doing, where we’re living, who we’re calling. And I think sometimes we get overwhelmed with all the choices we have and forget that WE have the power here.
This episode is Part 1 of my conversation with today’s guest, Kristian, who reached out after finding Friendship IRL by typing “friendship” into Apple Podcasts. Kristian is in her 20’s, a phase in life in which we often find we can’t rely on proximity for our friendships anymore.
Our 20’s are full of so many changes – changes that will inevitably impact our friendships. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. These changes also allow us to better understand who we are, what we enjoy, and what we WANT – not only out of life, but out of our friendships, too. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How you can be lonely even while having “friends,” and the importance of letting go of being our “best selves” and embracing our messy, unique, true selves
- Harmful societal messages around friendship: put your best foot forward; give a great first impression; the first seven seconds set the tone of your friendship forever
- Making friends as an adult, which often involves deciding who we are; what makes us unique; ways we want to show up; and how we want others to show up for us
- In our mid-20s, friendships often aren’t based on proximity anymore, so for a lot of people, it’s hard to know what friendship looks like during this stage of life
- How our own personal growth and “tweaks” impact our friendships; for example, deciding to stop drinking might affect relationships with people we go to the bar with
- The difference in being nice and kind, in friendships and in life
Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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Becoming more invested in our friendships is like becoming a runner.
At first, it takes energy just convincing yourself to get out the door. That first run feels exhausting and maybe a little awkward. The next is a little easier. Eventually, you get to a place where you can finally experience the runner’s high.
Today’s episode features Kristin Morrison, a business coach who also manages the podcast Business Pathfinder. Originally, our idea was to talk about making business friends, but our conversation quickly encapsulated so much more, focusing especially on intentional everyday actions we need to take to build the connections we want.
Typically, I’m the person in friendship regularly lacing up my shoes. I have great connections and friends I trust in. But I have spent the past few months so focused on work, I’m out of social wellness shape. It’s time for me to get back to it.
Friendship, social wellness, community, connection – it’s never-ending. There will be ups and downs, and that’s okay. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The lack of feedback you get digitally vs. in person, and how technology allows us to control what we show our friends – which often doesn’t contain anything vulnerable
- The energy expenditure required of spending time with friends if you’re out of practice – plus, Kristin’s story about showing up for her friend who was dying
- Limiting beliefs in friendship, including: that you can only have so many friends; that investing in friendship is a struggle; that you’re too old to make friends
- Using feng shui to manifest friendships by making space in our schedules – similar to how Kristin used it to “manifest” her husband by making space in her home
- Inviting people into our existing experiences, like having dinner, wrapping presents or getting our oil change, and the friendships Kristin made through her business group
- How, if we BELIEVE we are contributing friends, we’ll naturally start to pick up the phone, call people, and take action
Resources & LinksToday, we referenced a previous episode – What is a Friend?, available on Alex’s website – that you should check out if you haven’t already!
Be sure to also visit Kristin’s website and check out her podcast.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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Episode Description
I can't believe I recorded this episode.
I hope this work – bringing more community + friendship-focused conversations to the world – causes a ripple of change. In my wildest dreams, we all see a societal shift in how we think, speak, and act regarding community + friendship in our lifetime.
But I'd be lying if I told you this work is all 100% selfless.
At the core of this work is a selfish desire:
I want my support system to be seen as valid.
Presently, that isn't the reality.
I am almost always met with resistance when telling people about the alternative support system I've built.
- "But those people aren't really your family."
- "Your nieces and nephews… aren't those your friends' kids? You aren't their real aunt."
- "You aren't spending the holidays with your family...?"
"Family is everything" being accepted blindly as an absolute truth in society harms some people – myself included.
Please listen to today's episode with an open mind. I am sharing a deeply personal perspective that isn't often discussed.
I hope this episode challenges societal narratives and leaves everyone with a new perspective that causes us to approach each person's support system with compassion rather than judgment. It wasn't easy to record, but I'm proud that I did.
So here goes. My story. This one is for Little Alex.
Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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TRIGGER WARNING: This episode contains some sensitive topics around the loss of loved ones.
As you probably know by now, I’m no stranger to grief. My mom passed away when I was 13. It’s the club nobody wants to be a part of.
Today I’m with Aly Bird, a coach, therapist-in-training, and the author of Grief Ally, about teaching people how to support their loved ones through the long haul of grief, which she knows about all too well, having lost her husband to a hiking accident back in 2019.
When Aly’s inquiry showed up in my inbox, I couldn’t have said yes to having her on the show any faster. It’s exactly the kind of conversation I want to have on here. Grief hits people differently every time, and to be frank, it never goes away. It’s been 20 years since I lost my mom, and I still have moments of grief.
In this episode, Aly and I cover it all, from showing up for grieving loved ones to remembering that all kinds of emotions can exist simultaneously - and how, sometimes, the best thing to do is surrender and let yourself feel all the feels.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How supporting someone who’s grieving a LEARNED skill set that takes practice and transparency
- The different kinds of grief besides losing loved ones, from new parents grieving their freedom to empty-nesters grieving their full houses
- Grief’s never-ending quality, and how it’s never too late to offer your support, condolences, and willingness to be leaned on
- One great way to support someone who’s grieving: sharing memories of the person lost, emphasizing that this person was real and seen
- Surrendering and letting ourselves to feel things like jealousy (but not acting on them), and how that can shorten the timeline of these unhappy emotions
- Navigating the duality of life, where grief exists for one friend and a happy occasion exists for another at the same time
Resources & LinksBe sure to check out Aly’s amazing book, Grief Ally, and check out her website.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
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I am not from a military family. So to me, deployment sounds terrifying.
Think about it: you’re moving to a place where you don’t know anyone. If you’re part of a couple, one person is going to be alone a LOT.
But that wasn’t the experience for my friend Laura, who in this episode describes what it was like moving to Spain with a toddler and baby for her husband’s deployment in the aftermath of Sept. 11.
Upon her arrival, Laura was immediately enveloped in a warm welcome and greeted by a list of contacts and invitations to numerous events, get-togethers, and clubs. Throughout her husband’s many deployments, she learned this was the normal welcome for military families.
The military is essentially a formal community. Participation in formal communities has dwindled over the years, but I think there’s major appeal to them. When you join these groups, you’re not only eased into meeting other people, but you also take on a sense of belonging to the group. I think it breaks down a lot of western beliefs about support systems. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Individuals getting over social barriers vs. people in the community taking on the responsibility to reach out
- What constitutes a formal community – rules, structure, organization – and the importance of a common bond within them
- Downsides of expecting reciprocity in friendship, and instead, thinking of what we do for each other as nourishment
- Going into new friendships curious instead of via structured paths, and how to get past hierarchy in formal communities
- The disappointment that will come from expecting one friend to be your EVERYTHING when you’re a grown-up
- How scarcity can create more awareness of the importance of time well-spent
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
All right gang. Here’s to nights that turn into mornings, and friends that turn into family.This episode features my friend Jeffrey, whose voice you MIGHT recognize from the Friendship IRL introduction! We’ve known each other as long as I’ve been with my husband Michael, and we’ve been saying that “cheers!” for more than a decade.
Jeffrey is part of my “chosen family,” which as you know, is a concept I lean on heavily. For me, it’s a necessity. But one of the things that’s so interesting about Jeff: he has a strong, supportive family of origin, but also naturally leans into the idea of a chosen family, too.
In this episode, Jeffrey and I talk about our relationship and this idea of chosen family – with emphasis on the word “chosen.”
These days, the time we spend together is different from that of our college days – there are stays with three-week old babies, now – but we CHOOSE to keep in touch, to be there for each other, and that’s what keeps our chosen family intact. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Trust, which is the foundation of our friendship; we don’t second-guess our intentions or whether we want to hear from each other
- Being OK showing up in sweatpants, and how that can set the precedent of coming as you are (AND eliminate reasons to not hang out)
- When chosen families expand to your friends’ families, and the things we do because we’ve decided to add someone to our chosen family
- How sometimes, adding someone to your chosen family means you’re committing to work harder – to fix problems and be there during the hard stuff
- Spending time together without plans instead of formalized settings or big events in place
- How being honest about what you’re looking for in a friendship can make all the difference in building your own chosen family
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
I feel like everybody wants the easy button to friendship.
And while there isn’t an easy button, I do think managing friendship dynamics is something you can get better at. I also think a lot of us are making it harder than it needs to be.
A lot of people tell me they want friends who are in the same place as them. Maybe that means they want friends who are parents. Friends who have the same interests. Friends who are in similar financial situations. Couple friends.
It makes sense; managing differences is difficult. It’s easier to be friends with people doing the same things as us. But even if you make friends with people who are in the same life moment as you, at some point, if this is a lasting friendship, you will have to manage differences with these friends.
So that’s what today’s episode is about: managing differences with new and established friends, and how staying open and curious can actually SUPERCHARGE our friendships. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How friends are some of the only people we don’t necessarily factor into big life choices – which means we’re constantly making different life choices than our friends
- Putting your best foot forward – i.e., morphing ourselves to become desirable friends – and how this is inauthentic and takes more energy in the long run
- Managing differences within friendships that already exist – and why it can be more difficult with these friends than with new ones
- The importance of staying curious and seeing our friends’ lives as windows into other ways of living, which can help alleviate problems and SUPERCHARGE friendships
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Friend groups get a lot of attention whenever I post about them on social media, and I’m not surprised. The group itself is like a story root. You feel like you BELONG inside it.
But what do we really KNOW about friend groups? Where did we learn about how they should operate? Sometimes they’re modeled to us, and sometimes, we imagine them to be what we see in books or TV shows.
So that’s what I’m tackling in today’s episode: how to join one, create one, strengthen one, and how to use them to enhance your life. I’m sure there will be more episodes on this topic, but today, I just wanted to lay down some thoughts. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The strength of a friend group – and how it’s actually based on the strength of the individual relationships and connections within it
- How to join an established friend group and become a more permanent member by taking initiative, showing up, contributing, and investing in the relationships
- The pros and cons of joining a group – for example, you don’t have to start from scratch, but you might feel behind! – and the evolutions friend groups go through
- Effort, energy, trial and error required to create a friend group – and the importance to remember other people might not be as invested, which is OK
- Utilizing open-ended invites – for example, “I’m going to the bar at 4 p.m. tomorrow; stop by if you want to!” – and making it something you were going to do anyways
- Picking an interest and creating a group around it – for example, a movie group!
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
TRIGGER WARNING: This episode contains some sensitive topics around the loss of a parent.Today I’m with my dear friend, Lizzie Braicks-Rinker, a wellness brand strategist and holistic health and fitness coach.
We met in college, baking pie in the dorm basement, and bonded quickly; I told Lizzie my mom had passed away. She told me hers had cancer. We were at different stages in our lives than our peers, and because of this, had different needs and perspectives on wellness than they did, too.
In 2022, Lizzie gave a TED Talk on Mother’s Day about the difference between wellness and physical health. Her beliefs stemmed from her experience in college, when, on paper, she was extremely healthy – she was vegan, she was on the rowing team – and yet, she was having panic attacks and chronic pain due to the wellness pieces that were missing in her life.
In this episode, Lizzie and I talk a lot about holistic wellness – especially social wellness, of course – and how, really, there is no one-size-fits-all recipe. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The eight pillars of holistic wellness (emotional, physical, occupational, social, spiritual, intellectual, environmental, financial) vs. the wellness industrial complex
- How self-care looks different for everybody – it could involve playing with your dogs, getting your finances in order, or building a community support system
- Why social wellness is often left off the priority list of wellness
- How health (especially social health) – doesn’t have to be linear; for example, your social needs might be higher in the summer than they are in the winter
- Creating the “third option” instead of accepting social obligations you’re just not into – or, creating INTENTION in these obligations so they feel fulfilling to you
- Who is your true self vs. your ideal self? Plus, the importance of taking baby steps
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Be sure to check out Lizzie’s TED Talk and the book she recommended in this episode, The Worthy Project by Meadow DeVor, and follow her on Instagram and check out her website.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
About three years ago, many of my friends moved away within a six month period.
While I was excited for these friends, I also grieved; my friends are my main support system, my family. How would I keep these friendships alive? I invested a lot of energy into thinking about it, through which I developed what I’m tentatively calling the “Your People” framework.
The best way to think about this framework is to imagine a tree. Trees start as seeds, and then you provide them with nutrients and soil. Over time, trees grow roots. Some roots get really thick and strong; some grow deep. Some grow offshoots. The more roots that grow, the more stable the tree.
In my friendship theory, there are three kinds of roots, which I’ll dig into today. My hope is that this framework and language helps people think about these relationships and consider what actions to take to build better versions of our friendships.
Want more information? Visit my website! In this episode you’ll hear about:
- SHARED EXPERIENCE ROOTS and their offshoot roots – i.e., when you’re doing something related to the shared experience root, but in a way you’re comfortable
- EMOTIONAL INTIMACY ROOTS – what we know about our friends and our shared memories – plus shared/overlapping history roots and big/small intimacies
- STORY ROOTS – the beliefs you have about your friendships, and how we come to develop those beliefs
- How letting roots (i.e., friendships) die is not a bad thing – we can’t be in high school geometry class forever – but it doesn’t mean it’s not a sad thing
- How to keep these friendships thriving as we grow and change, and how to replace dead story routes with simpler, more straightforward story roots
- One of the biggest problems when it comes to adult friendships – plus, the REAL foundations of these friendships
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Today’s episode is about how to make friends – namely, the REALITY we find ourselves in when seeking friendship as grown-ups. How we do it now is going to be different from how we did it as children, teenagers, and young adults – but in a GOOD way.
A friend recently said to me, “The way you talk about making friends sounds kind of like dating.” And, well, that’s because it kind of is.
But it doesn’t need to be that way. There’s value in even our simplest connections, so let’s get rid of that pressure and just enjoy meeting new people, trying new things, and connecting in new ways.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The amount of pressure we put on romantic partners vs. friendships – and why, when making friends in real life, it’s better to expect less
- How friendship in media (movies, social media, books, TV) is curated to create drama or dream situations – this is often not real life!
- The realities behind the “pick-up-where-we-left-off friends” and the “friends that will always be there for us”
- How making friends and maintaining friendships requires staying curious, taking small risks, paying attention, showing up, and using our time, energy, and resources
- Spending time thinking about the kinds of new friends you want to make – i.e., what do you want to do with your friends? What do you want to connect over?
- How to get unstuck with “defined friends” by letting them into other parts of our lives and creating new shared experience routes
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Full disclosure: I am a “set-your-goals” kind of person.
I used to get a little out of control with goal setting each year, thinking everything was going to be different overnight. But of course, real life isn’t like that!
In this episode, I want to talk about friendship communities and how to improve them in small, sustainable ways this year. What are the ways we can check in with ourselves? What are the factors – actions, habits, everyday changes – we can alter to improve our relationships in 2023?
You’ll also get a sneak peek of my new book (well … an abbreviated version, anyway!) and I hope that once you employ the advice in this episode, you feel like you’re on your way to impact change in your life and become the person you want to be.
Thank you so much for being here on this adventure with me. I’m really excited about 2023 and all that’s ahead of us. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Using a “word of the year” to set goals and create a friendship vision for the new year
- Three check-ins to find those small, everyday habits that will get you closer to your new year vision
- Focusing in on time, including habits and boundaries; what can you add/trade/cut?
- Different ways you can show up for friends this year (running errands, answering questions, making introductions, cooking, etc.)
- How to cut out the “admin time” in terms of get-togethers and be more present
- Simplifying and auditing communication so it actually works for you and your people
I used to be a bit of a Grinch around the holidays. My family of origin story is not the best – and in fact, this season used to give me panic attacks.
Luckily, I’m well past those days, and part of the reason is I began spending the holidays with friends! For a long time, I tried to be subtle about my lack of holiday plans, casually asking friends what they were doing, seeing if they’d invite me.
But once I was finally HONEST about my situation – saying something along the lines of, “I don’t want to go home for the holidays. Can I go with you instead?” – it completely changed the holidays for me.
This is typically a family-forward season, which is great, but you probably have other people in your life who you’d like to make memories with during the holidays. So, for today’s episode, I’ve compiled a list of tips for how to make time with friends this time of year. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Five ways to connect with your friends this holiday season
- Ways to “opt out” of the things you’re not interested in or would feel burdened by
- How traditions can actually save time and help you feel like you belong
- Three different formats to create a tradition (pick it all, pick a date, create a series)
- Doing “the necessary” to-do list items with friends (for example, holiday shopping, wrapping presents) instead of going at it alone
- How to make sure you or your friends have a place to go for the holidays
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
If this episode has a theme, it’s this: the adults in the room need to put on their air masks first.Today I’m talking with my friend Adrienne, who I meet with every week to chat about business. Adrienne is married and the mom of two children, one in preschool, one in elementary school.
Adrienne is in the thick of trying to build a friendship community for her family. Here, she shares what’s working and what’s not. In my mind, what she’s doing is advanced community building, in part because it’s in her own needs. She wants people around she can depend on so she doesn’t feel alone raising her kids.
A lot of people tell me they never saw their parents have friends. Maybe they were part of a local group or a place of worship, but their parents never took those relationships outside of that one place.
My thoughts? Even if you live near family, you still might benefit from community support. In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How finding adult friends with shared interests is more sustainable than letting kids run the show, as kids’ interests are more malleable
- Shared experience roots – and how this can make entering into a friendship community that already exists difficult
- How offering small intimacies – inviting someone to your unclean house, for example – shows you’re human and offers the other person the opportunity to do the same
- An overview of the “community conversation” Adrienne had with the families in her neighborhood
- Investing in your own friendships, and why this models to children how to navigate and maintain friendships for themselves
- How being part of a family’s community doesn’t always mean watching kids; it can involve taking apart a swing set or being an emergency contact, etc.
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
As adults, we often tell our friends we want to “catch up.”
People catch up over the phone. They catch up over dinner. But the thing about catching up is you’re telling someone about things that ALREADY happened to you. You’re updating them on your recent past instead of being in the present.
That’s why I’m such a big proponent of DOING things with people – running errands, hiking, paddleboarding, going on a trip, etc. Whenever you’re doing something together, you’re creating memories right now.
Today’s episode is Part 2 of my conversation with Connection Feast founder Alex Friedman. (If you haven’t checked out Part 1, do it now!) Alex and I love talking about friendship, and in this episode, we cover it all, from building friendships slowly to making the time you spend with your friends MEANINGFUL.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- A great formula for reaching out to people (hint – if you want to hang out with somebody, be specific!)
- Small intimacies, and how it’s sometimes easier for friendship to build on these instead of big intimacies (plus the dangers of sharing too early or too much at once)
- How to “create the container” for friendships to build, and then just allowing the connection to happen
- Relieving the pressure of “catching up” by instead DOING something together
- The impact of specificity when making new friends; for example, “I’m looking for friends who are really into yoga” (or meditation, running, hiking, etc.)
- Friendships vs. relationships, and how both build slowly over time
Resources & Links
Follow Alex on Instagram. Be sure to check out her events if you’re local to Seattle; in this episode, she teased that her next feast is in January!
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
My secret to hosting and gathering people together? I don’t do it all.
For a while I tried to “do it all” as a hostess, but it honestly was stressful and not very fun. There's a photo of me as a kid somewhere, wearing a cute apron and serving my grandma and her friends for a party. For 10 years, I was also a professional wedding and event planner.
Since it’s the holiday season, I want to share my insight on what matters and what doesn’t when it comes to gathering people together – and how doing LESS can ultimately help us spend more time with the people we care about.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The six jobs of hosting – the initiator, the organizer, the food role, the cleaner, the decorator, the day-of host
- How to not do it all (split out the roles, narrow down the event, meet somewhere in a public place, keep things more casual & set limits)
- How to do less when it comes to cleaning - i.e., you don’t have to scrub your baseboards, and you can just shut a door to a room
- How day-of hosting often gets ignored, but this is make-or-break
- Setting precedents for future events and turning things into traditions
- The business term MVP – minimally viable product – and how it relates to friendship gatherings
Resources & Links
One book I adore and strongly recommend about hosting: The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker, which helps us understand the purpose of gathering.
For a list of the roles and a bigger description of what each entails (and how to not do everything) visit my website.
Like what you hear? Leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Making friends can be scary, especially as an adult.
This is why I love Connection Feast, a social wellness company that hosts events to help create community and facilitate meet-ups between people over a shared meal. Connection Feast was founded by today’s guest, Alex Friedman, who envisioned the company after realizing that meetups weren’t working – the connections she made at them weren’t deep enough. Finally, she decided to take control of her situation.
I attended a Connection Feast event themed on “emotional intelligence.” And I came home like, whoa. I have 10 new things to consider about myself. Whether you meet someone or not, you’re going to come home with something. These are deep events.
One reason I love talking about friendship so much is because every time I think I know a good amount about friendship, I am utterly humbled by these relationships. There’s always new things to learn from and be surprised by. You’re going to LOVE this marathon of a conversation between Alex and I (and stay tuned for part 2!)
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- How structure can help adults be more playful, and thus, make deeper connections with new acquaintances
- The emotional intimacy and vulnerability it takes to make friends as adults
- The danger of expecting reciprocity, and how that can set us up to be disappointed, especially if our friends are in different places in their lives
- When people come into our lives for short periods of time, that doesn’t make it insignificant – sometimes short friendships can offer valuable gifts
- The evolution of “big friendships” – they evolve over time, day-by-day, over sometimes mundane things
Resources & Links
Follow Alex on Instagram. Be sure to check out her events if you’re local to Seattle, and tune in next time to hear the rest of our marathon of a conversation about friendship!
Also, I strongly recommend the book we talked about, Atomic Habitsby James Clear.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
When big life changes happen, our closest people want to anticipate our needs.
But after these transitions, we might be new versions of ourselves, with new boundaries, new interests. The things that mattered before don’t anymore.
Today’s episode is with my friend Sarah, who is expecting her first baby in March. While many of the things we talk about relate to the fact that she’s pregnant, the overall arc is about how the big life changes affect our friendships and support systems.
Every time my friends who do not have kids announce they’re pregnant, I’m simultaneously freaking thrilled and mournful, knowing things will be different now. We won’t be quite as free to pick up and do what we want all the time.
This conversation can apply to any big life transition: a move, an engagement, an illness, an accident, a career switch, or becoming an empty nester.
How do we navigate through these enormous changes? Sarah and I discuss a bunch of tactics, from using communication to bridge the gap, to letting go of the quantity of time and increasing the quality of time.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Fear, grief, and ego in among friends and family as we go through major life transitions and turn into new versions of ourselves
- The value in simple friends, who are not wrapped up in who we used to be
- Reaching out to friends for different needs vs. in order of their “hierarchy” of closeness
- Reconnections, and how these can facilitate completely new relationships
- The ways communication can bridge the gap between friends during life changes
- The vulnerability of letting people in, and the benefit of doing so before the “big moments”
Resources & Links
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
This is a pretty important episode, because I want to talk about this ONE question:
What is a friend, really?
A lot of people are walking through life focusing on what isn't there when it comes to friendship. There's somehow an arbitrary marker of “we are friends!” that I don't even think most people can articulate. The truth is, it doesn’t have to be so black and white.
There's so much value happening in our friendships before they hit whatever this arbitrary threshold is that we're ignoring.
If you’ve ever thought, “I wish I was closer to that person” or “Our friendship used to feel different!”, prepare to be inspired as I share the 4 types of friends we all have in our lives, and how we can come to appreciate all of these friends in their own unique ways.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Why we’re holding ourselves back from experiencing true friendships
- The difference between “Familiar Friends”, “Defined Friends”, “Present Friends”, and “Historic Friends”
- The beauty of taking small actions over time with our friends (it all adds up!)
- What emotional intimacy roots are and why they are key to sustaining close and supportive friendships
- Moving through the peaks and changes of friendships in our life, especially when one moves away or gets a new job
- Holding on to our friendships more loosely, vs. gripping on so tight
Reflection Question:In which “bucket” do you have the most friends? Is there a small action you can take today to make a friend feel appreciated?
Resources & LinksLearn more about emotional intimacy roots on my blog.
Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Today’s guest is my husband Michael. I know, some of you might be wondering: Alex, you just started a friendship podcast. Why are you bringing your romantic partner on?But here’s the thing. This romantic partnership supports all the relationships we have outside it – with friends, family members, community. All the relationships in our life also help support this romantic partnership. It’s all connected.
So today we want to let you inside how WE look at the interconnectedness of all these relationships – and how prioritizing friendship can actually SUPPORT your marriage.Michael and I met in college, the prime time for friends. If we had just forgotten everybody else at that time in our lives, we wouldn’t have any friends. We had to learn early how to balance our romantic relationship with our friendships.
We don’t get it right all the time. But I like to think that, as we grew older, we’ve honed in on what works for us, and how supporting each other’s friendships makes us each more whole, and consequently, stronger partners for one another.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- Seeking a variety of support outside of your marriage/relationship
- How it’s unfair to burden one person (our partners) to support all parts of us
- How to call out and say, “I am not the right person for this” – for example, I am not the right person for Michael to go to about anything regarding football!
- Having separate friendships with your friends, even if you’re in a couple
- The incredible dynamics it takes to have “couple friends”
Reflection Question:How do you and your partner support each other’s friendships?
Resources & LinksLike what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Welcome to the Friendship IRL Podcast! I’m your host, Alex Alexander.
My friends will tell you I like to ask the hard questions. Before starting this podcast, they kept threatening to secretly record me for my insight on friendship. I don’t consider myself a friendship expert by any means – just a person who cares deeply about it.
My mom passed away when I was 13, and a lot of raising my younger brother and sister fell onto me. In high school and college, I really leaned into my friendships, which was my respite from this responsibility at home.
At the time, I had no idea what I was creating, but it became a support system unlike any other. Today I’m in my 30’s, and the close relationships I have with so many friends surprises people. Nobody has that kind of friendship as an adult, they say.
I’m not here to tell you how to be a friend or have a friend; what I’m here to do is ask questions so you can build the right support system, made up of all the people – friends, family, romantic partners, children – whatever that looks like for you.
In this episode you’ll hear:
- How valuing and talking about friendship is counterculture – and why it shouldn’t be
- How, in small ways, you are already choosing what’s important to you through how you spend your time, resources, attention, etc.
- How to do, ask, and expect less in your friendships, because it doesn’t have to be hard
- How sometimes, all this friendship stuff can get uncomfortable – and why it’s okay
- About the book I wrote after my year of obsessing about friendships and community, which will be released in 2023!
Reflection Question:Where does friendship stand on your hierarchy of importance?
Resources & LinksVisit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Imagine you could listen in on those unfiltered conversations about what is actually happening inside someone's friendships, community, and support system...
- How someone navigated a friendship breakup even though they still see that friend often.
- What does balancing marriage, friends, and family look like, and who is someone calling when they need support?
- A parent who is wholly overwhelmed but doesn't have any family that lives nearby. Do they need to move back to their hometown? How might they build a support system from friends and the nearby community?
Alex Alexander asks the questions we all want to ask and unearths a new way to think about community, friendship, and the support systems we surround ourselves with.
"Doing things the way they've always been done" has left us all at our loneliest and most disconnected. So, ask the questions. Reimagine your relationships. Build yourself a better version.
Take the conversation beyond the podcast! Follow Alex on Instagram (@itsalexalexander) or Tiktok (@itsalexalexander), or send her a voice message directly with all your friendship thoughts, problems, and triumphs by heading to AlexAlex.chat and hitting record.
New episodes release weekly on Thursdays.