Practical Advice on Relationship Matters - Evan Marc Katz Blog: Recent Episodes
Evan Marc Katz
Janet is 66, successful, evolved, and, most of all, anxious.
Her marriage ended—as so many do—after 26 years. Like many women, she saw the signs when the kids were little, but she stayed until they were grown.
After her divorce, she did what most women do: got online and found a man with a common background, common interests, and great intelligence.
There was only one problem.
While he said he wanted a long-term commitment, their relationship wasn’t deepening. He was cautious because of his past, never said “I love you,” and seemed perfectly content spending time together without making plans for the future.
Janet knew they were doomed within the first month.
She stayed for a year.
That’s when she reached out to me.
Now, Janet is in the best relationship of her life.
When we spoke last week, she told me how her boyfriend attended a conference that wasn’t remotely in his wheelhouse simply because he wanted to understand her better.
THAT kind of man. And yet, old fears die hard.
Because of her self-described anxious attachment style, Janet tends to react strongly whenever there’s a bump in the relationship. During their first few months together, there were at least two times she told me she was going to break up with him, even though he hadn’t done anything notably wrong.
Then something happened that made her wonder if she’d chosen the wrong man all over again.
She and her boyfriend were on a road trip. He was driving. She was navigating. As they approached an exit, the GPS lost its signal. He wasn’t sure whether to get off or stay on. Janet couldn’t get it together in time.
He snapped.
He was frustrated they’d missed the exit and now had to drive ten minutes out of the way. A few minutes later, he came back and apologized.
Janet wanted to know if this was a red flag and she should break up with him.
As Janet was telling me this story, my face slowly broke into a smile.
To be clear, I don’t think her boyfriend handled it well. He was short-tempered. Janet was only trying to help, and technology got in the way.
The reason I smiled was because almost the exact same thing had happened to me and my wife the week before.
We were driving on the freeway at 70 miles an hour when the GPS told me one thing and my wife told me another. Suddenly I had two competing navigation systems talking at the same time. I trust my wife, but she was overruling the map I was looking at.
I followed her directions.
They were wrong.
And yes, I barked at her for talking over the GPS and taking us in the wrong direction.
I was frustrated. It wasn’t pretty.
Five minutes later, we were okay.
It didn’t say anything about my character, my communication skills, or my devotion to my wife. It was a brief moment fueled entirely by stress: one man behind the wheel trying to process contradictory information at 70 miles an hour.
These things happen. Then they’re over.
The problem is that anxious people often don’t let them be over.
They turn one bad moment into evidence that the relationship itself is bad.
Relationships have to be able to withstand moments like these—especially if, as in Janet’s case, the car is the only place she’s ever seen her boyfriend lose his temper.
So I asked her one question: “If I could guarantee your relationship would continue exactly like this for the rest of your life, except four times a year your boyfriend would lose his temper while driving and every time he’d apologize afterward, would you take that deal?”
Without hesitation, she said yes.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met—men and women alike—doesn’t want to be judged or abandoned for their worst moments.
Your power lies in how quickly you come to repair.
It’s not whether someone will occasionally say or do something that frustrates you.
They will.
It’s what they do afterward that matters.
Do they double down?
Do they turn frustration into insults or silent treatment?
Or do they recognize they were wrong, apologize, and make things right?
A huge part of my job is telling women to leave men who lack character, kindness, and communication skills. Those are the relationships where she’s walking on eggshells half the time and is afraid to express an opinion.
Janet’s relationship is nothing like that.
When we were on Zoom last week, her boyfriend was in the kitchen making her dinner while she sat there positively giddy about their future together.
That’s what I want for every client.
There’s no relationship without conflict, but with a little help, you can find a healthy relationship that’s strong enough to survive it.
Love,
Evan
Maybe you’ve never been married before.
Maybe you’ve gotten divorced and built a better life afterward.
But if you’re reading this message, you’re likely a smart, successful woman who, whether by necessity or design, created something that works for you: a career that provides meaning and money, a network of friends who provide fun and support, hobbies and interests that provide balance and variety. It’s a life you enjoy, not a life you’re trying to escape from.
At the same time, you’re conscious that you’re doing it all alone, and that it feels like something (or someone) is missing from your life. It would be great to have a man who wants to share in this life.
Someone who supports you emotionally and financially. Someone you can talk to after a bad day. Someone who celebrates your successes. Someone you can bring home for the holidays.
The problem is that you don’t want to give up what you have now.
So you’ve got dual goals that are working in opposition to each other:
How can you find a man who is 100% as committed to you as a husband…without marriage, living together, or losing your independence?
This contradiction lies at the heart of why so many women find themselves in disappointing relationships.
You declare you’re not looking to get married and you love your independence. You find a guy who is ALSO not looking to get married and loves HIS independence.
Next thing you know, you’re in a relationship with a long-distance guy, a recently divorced guy, or a guy whose ideal relationship is once or twice a week.
What you don’t get is a man who will be there for you when your mother is ill, a man who treats your kids like his own, a man who will rearrange his schedule and make you his top priority.
THAT’s the cost of choosing freedom and independence.
Listen, there are many ways to find love and many different working models. But as a dating coach for successful, independent women, I couldn’t help but notice that most of them want a man who is devoted like a spouse… but doesn’t impinge on your life at all.
A relationship-oriented man wants to be needed, valued, and prioritized, too.
To be clear, I’m not telling you to give up what makes you happy.
You can have your life AND a life partner. But if you prioritize freedom and independence OVER a partner, you can’t be too surprised if you’re still standing alone.
The tricky part is holding onto both truths at the same time. You love your independence and you also want a man who’s fully devoted to you.
Love,
Evan
Sheryl is my newest client. Early sixties. Attractive. Works in law. Has a few entrepreneurial side hustles. Never married. Hasn’t dated for twenty years.
If you heard her full story, you’d understand why. Without getting into the details, Sheryl has only known abusive men. She was sexually assaulted by her first boyfriend. Her father was physically abusive to her mother. For decades, Sheryl stood by men who were in and out of prison, men who resolved conflict through displays of power.
Sheryl’s entire personality is a reaction to her challenging upbringing. While she laughs easily, she also angers easily. Anger is her way of surviving, taking control, and making it clear that no one will hurt her.
Last week, Sheryl and I had a disagreement that I would consider minor, yet it threatened to derail our entire relationship. With her permission, I want to share this interaction so that perhaps, you can see yourself and maybe even learn from her story.
It happened on our small group mastermind – an intimate weekly gathering of 5-10 clients who get answers to all of their dating and relationship questions. This group has historically been known for its closeness – women often stay friends after coaching.
Anyway, Sheryl shared her feelings that men should be willing to wait 3-4 months before having sex and that, in order to qualify for sex, he needs to come down to the clinic to get STD tested with her.
I shared that while I understood her reasoning, this was a relatively high bar to expect men to jump. Since men generally move faster, a more realistic time frame would be to make a guy wait 4-6 weeks until he’s committed to her as a boyfriend before having sex.
Sheryl wasn’t sold. She pushed back that you can’t really know a guy in 4-6 weeks (which is true). I pushed back that if you’ve gone out with him 7-10 times and he’s requesting commitment, that’s reasonable. You can’t expect a guy to take you out for 4 months and not have sex. Very few men would be left, myself included.
This disagreement left Sheryl feeling upset, as if my opinion invalidated her opinion. I retreated to my line that dating advice is not about right vs wrong but effective vs. ineffective. I, for one, don’t think it’s effective to make a man with options wait that long for sex or commitment. But because Sheryl has never met a man she can trust, it’s hard to convince her to let down her guard any faster.
That’s when another client chimed in. She’s a doctor and she pointed out that STD screenings and results are available almost immediately, thus, it’s silly for Sheryl to insist that the two of them go to a clinic together. When Sheryl heard the word “silly” (a poor choice of words), she hit the roof and started cursing. I muted her on Zoom. She unmuted herself to continue the harangue. I muted her again and ended the call soon thereafter.
The next day, I got an email with this passage:
You asked me to trust you, and I kind of blindly did. I won’t say I regret it, but I’m paying close attention to what you’re saying and how you act. I’m starting to wonder if I made the right decision…I thought you had a lot of damn nerve to say that because for the money I spent, I have the absolute right to ask questions about the topic at hand, and you don’t get to shut me down. So no – it’s not your space. I paid for that space….The truth is, you shut down the conversation because you felt uncomfortable, couldn’t sit with your own discomfort and feared everyone else would become uncomfortable.
The other thing I don’t like is that you used my past against me. Don’t do that again.
I’m sharing this because it’s Sheryl’s version of events, and, in the moment, this is exactly as she felt. In reality, Sheryl overreacted to a perfectly reasonable difference of opinion (and questionable word choice) by lashing out at everyone on the call, including me.
Being quick to anger is the way Sheryl’s learned to communicate from her past relationships – a way that is not at all conducive to lasting love.
So, while I was in the car at my son’s basketball practice, I got on the phone with Sheryl for a half hour to demonstrate a few things about our coaching relationship.
I’m going to share them here because they’re important.
- The only way to have a healthy relationship is to come from a place of full trust. In Sheryl’s world, full trust is naive. And yet, a healthy man will NEVER stay in a relationship where he’s not trusted.
- As her coach, I don’t have to prove that I’m trustworthy. I’m trustworthy until I do something to lose her trust.
- Having a different opinion is not a breach of trust. Two people can agree to disagree without it turning into a fight.
- I didn’t shut down the conversation because I was afraid of Sheryl’s opinions; it was because her attacking language threatened to ruin the group dynamic.
- My main job as a coach is to show Sheryl what it’s like to be loved. I won’t yell at her. I won’t judge her. I won’t cut her off. I won’t abandon her. Whatever she does, I’m going to demonstrate to her that she is safe with me.
This is NOT most women’s life experience with men. That’s why you build up an arsenal of defense mechanisms designed to protect you from the worst men: get angry at him, tell him what he’s doing wrong, communicate your disappointment via email and text, engage in protest behavior, threaten to cut him off if he doesn’t change.
In multiple emails, Sheryl has told me that I’m failing her, that she doesn’t trust me, that she questions her choice to work with me, that she expects me to stop working with her, that she wants her money back. All because I think she should choose a boyfriend after 6 weeks instead of 12 weeks. 🙂
As you can see, Sheryl and I don’t have an actual problem. Sheryl’s issue is learning to treat me as a trusted source whose only agenda is to help her. Once she does that, she can calm her nervous system instead of overreacting to every perceived slight.
As Sheryl’s coach, I become a stand in for her future dates, boyfriends, and long-term romantic partners. My theory: if I can treat her with love, patience, and respect – even when we disagree – maybe some other guys will, too. And maybe Sheryl will do better by assuming they’re trustworthy people, not enemies to be discarded immediately.
It’s only been a month but I’m proud of Sheryl. She could have escalated the conflict, refused to listen to my explanations, or gone to Amex to request a refund.
She didn’t. This morning, she wrote to me, “I’m starting to feel more comfortable with you and starting to feel like you’re my friend.” I replied: “I AM your friend.”
I write, text, or talk to Sheryl almost every day as I lead her from a place of fear to a place of trust and confidence.
Love,
Evan
There are plenty of men who come on way too strong at the beginning.
They write to you online and think that it entitles them to a phone call.
The phone call entitles them to a date.
The date entitles them to sex.
And their desire for commitment entitles them to claim you as a girlfriend after a couple of dates and insist that you take down your profile. Yeah, that’s not how things work.
The problem is that men and women often have different agendas in dating. In general, men want speed and women want comfort.
Which is why men complain that women take forever to meet and women complain that men move too fast. A man who’s been dating online has likely been rejected by 90% of women. He’s matched with women who wanted to text but never meet. He’s shown up for dates only to discover that the woman looked very different from her photos. He’s invested time and energy in women who disappeared just as quickly as they arrived.
After enough experiences like that, his agenda becomes simple: move quickly, meet quickly, see if there’s chemistry, and avoid wasting time.
There’s also another factor that women often overlook: many men are lonely.
You probably have people you can call, text, and lean on when things get difficult. Many men don’t. They put their energy into work, marriage, and family. Then the marriage ends, the kids grow up, and they discover their emotional support system has largely disappeared.
THAT’s why some men talk so much on dates.
THAT’s why dates sometimes feel like therapy.
THAT’s why a man can become attached surprisingly quickly.
You’re the first person who’s listened to him in ages.
When you understand this, his behavior makes a lot more sense. The question is what do you do now? Since you can’t tell if he’s a good guy or a lovebombing lunatic, you may have to become his dating coach and teach him how to court you. Here’s how.
Step 1: Validate Him
Most women skip this step because they’re so focused on correcting the behavior that they forget to acknowledge the intention behind it.
Start by letting him know that you like him.
Tell him you’re attracted to him. Tell him you appreciate his effort. Tell him you can see that he’s serious about finding a relationship.
This matters because people become defensive when they think they’re being rejected. If he hears, “Slow down,” without hearing, “I like you,” he’s likely to interpret it as disinterest.
The goal is to make sure he understands that you’re not pushing him away. You’re trying to create the conditions under which this relationship actually has a chance to succeed.
Step 2: Tell Him He’s Going 100 MPH
Once he understands that you’re interested, you can explain the problem.
You might say something like: “I really like you, but I feel like you’re going 100 miles per hour and I need you to go about 65.”
Then explain why.
“The irony is that I actually want this to work. That’s why I need you to slow down. If things move too quickly, I start to feel pressured. And when I feel pressured, I pull away.”
You’re not telling him to stop pursuing you.
You’re telling him how to successfully pursue you.
Step 3: Help Him See It From Your Perspective
If he still doesn’t understand, give him a hypothetical.
Ask him how he’d feel if a woman met him online, went on one date, and immediately started acting like they were a couple. What if she wanted constant communication? What if she pressured him to delete his profile? What if she assumed exclusivity because she really liked him?
He might be flattered. He’d also think she was a Stage 5 clinger and run away.
The same way he doesn’t want a woman to book a chapel on Date 3, you don’t want to be coerced into turning a virtual stranger into your boyfriend.
Step 4: Show Him Exactly How to Please YouMost men aren’t mind readers. The good ones genuinely want to make you happy. They just don’t know what that looks like.
So tell him.
Tell him that in the beginning, you’d prefer a text every few days and a date about once a week. Tell him that if things continue to go well, you’ll naturally talk more. You’ll naturally become more physical. You’ll naturally spend more time together.
Then paint the picture of where this leads.
“Sometime over the next four to six weeks, I’ll probably realize that you’re the person I want to spend all my time with. I’ll stop talking to other men. I’ll focus on you. I just can’t do that today because I barely know you.”
He’ll laugh because it’s true. Then ask him a simple question:
“If moving at this pace gives us the best chance of working out, can you meet me there?”
Most quality men will say yes.
The men who argue are the ones you need to worry about. The men who insist that because they like you, you should immediately commit to them.
The right man understands that if he wants a relationship with you, he has to create an environment where you feel safe, heard, and understood.
Love,
Evan
Debbie is 42. She went to an Ivy League school. She’s an entrepreneur who makes hundreds of thousands of dollars a year offering bespoke services for her high-end clientele.
On the other hand, she had a bad family upbringing, she’s never been married, and she has no kids.
Debbie’s story is not that unusual. Lots of women who had dysfunctional families grew up to be overachievers – to try to control their own destiny. Similarly, lots of them never found peace in their relationships because they were drawn to partners who resembled their toxic parents.
Debbie’s dilemma wasn’t whether she was smart, attractive, kind, or had a great personality. She knows her worth in life. Her insecurity is strictly about her inability to tell her story from a place of confidence when she meets new men.
The operative word here is shame. Even the most competent people have a level of embarrassment about their failures, especially ones they haven’t yet overcome.
Over the years, I’ve counseled women who have overcome sexual abuse, have been divorced three times, have had kids out of wedlock, are recovering alcoholics, have a history of mental and physical illness. All of them have the same concern: how do I tell my story without it being a total turn-off that drives every man to run in the other direction?
Today, I have an answer for you.
It’s a formula. I call it the Politician Speech. It’s basically the same answer you’d expect to get from a candidate in a presidential debate when they receive a tough question.
In this case, the tough question is: “why are you still single?” or “What happened with your last relationship?” A question so utterly predictable that leaves you feeling anxious.
You may think questions like this are like an attack, as if a stranger across the table is trying to judge you. That couldn’t be further from the case. In fact, if you’re on a date, that person probably likes you and has no understanding how you ended up at dinner with them.
Getting mad, defensive, or shutting down is the absolute WRONG way to handle these benign yet uncomfortable questions.
Here are the elements to a successful Politician Speech.
- You need to have a good relationship with your own story. If you’re still in pain about it, it’s hard to talk about it. If you’ve processed your pain and can see it from a distance, it’s a story of triumph.
- You need to tell the truth. This is why “I just haven’t met the right person” is such a lame answer to “why are you still single?” It’s not that it’s false. It’s that it doesn’t take any responsibility for WHY you haven’t met the right person.
- You need to add a measure of self-awareness and growth. It’s one thing to talk about struggles you’ve had; what your date wants to know is whether you’re past them or if your issues are still going to present a problem.
- You need to end on a high note. Just like any feel-good story, you want the person listening to feel positive about you so they can see a path to success.
Naturally, I figured this out from my own struggles. Remember, before I was a happily married dating coach, I was pretty much a mess.
Despite my healthy background, my drive, and my writing skills, at age 30, I was depressed, unemployed, anxious. I put all my energy into being a Hollywood screenwriter and I failed. It was impossible to have those failures not affect my mood or feelings about myself. One date even said that I didn’t need a girlfriend; I needed a shrink. She was right.
Then, at 31, I wrote a book and started dating coaching, in spite of the fact that I was still very much single.
Now imagine trying to tell my story on a date – a 34-year-old man who has never had a real job, has been on 300 dates, and has never had a girlfriend for more than 8 months.
“So, Evan, why are you still single?”
“It’s funny you should ask that. I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about it myself. I think it’s charitable to say that I was a mess in my 20’s. I came to Hollywood to write screenplays when all of my other friends from Duke were lawyers and bankers. And although I came really close to success a bunch of times – agents, managers, meetings at studios, etc – I never made enough to be a full-time writer.
And at some point, I had to admit that my dream was making me miserable and I had to pivot. Went to film school, got a job answering phones at JDate, and wrote a book about online dating and the next thing I know, I had some success. And I guess, for a few years, I was really enjoying that success – making money for the first time, dating prolifically online.
But after coaching people on the phone, I realized I was a hypocrite: I was giving advice I wasn’t following. I was overvaluing looks and undervaluing character and communication skills. Now I’m at the point where I’m truly excited to get married and begin a family – and I’ve never been in a better position to do so.”
I hope you can see that this is a story of a guy who can reflect on what he did wrong, explain how he learned from his mistakes, and was truly ready for love.
If we look at Debbie’s story – or yours – it wouldn’t be too hard to put together something similar:
“I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family where my Dad had a temper and I never felt safe with him, so I put all my energies into my studies and career.
When I did get into relationships, they were usually with men who were great on paper. Impressive. Intelligent. Fit. But they were usually missing the emotional component and I would invariably stay for 5 years when I probably should have left in a year.
In between, I spent a lot of time building up my career and have a business that, in the past, required almost 24/7 devotion, which pulled me further from healthy integrated relationships.
But in the past few years, I figured out that I could have better work/life balance and have recently recalibrated my schedule to open up more time for love. And, more importantly, I learned not to ignore incompatibilities for months and years just to try to make things work when they’re not working.
So basically, you’re the beneficiary of my previous 42 years of getting things wrong. Lucky you!”
Debbie sounds effortlessly confident, positive, and optimistic despite having a rough upbringing, never getting married, and never having kids.
Whatever you’ve been through may be painful but if you’ve learned your lessons, you can incorporate them into your story, and turn your weakness into a strength.
Love,
Evan
I’m very emotional today. And when I’m emotional, I have to write about it. And somehow tie it back to dating and relationship advice. So here goes:
The New York Knicks won the NBA Title for the first time in 53 years. I’m 53 years old. I’m from New York. Their journey is my journey. As you’ll see, their journey is also your journey.
This is a team that has failed in ways, big and small, for decades. Sometimes, they lost due to bad luck (going against Michael Jordan at his peak). Sometimes, they were outplayed (losing in the Finals in 1999 against a better team). And, for decades, they made a lot of questionable decisions – bringing in high-priced coaches and players who lacked character and didn’t perform up to their potential.
As a Knicks fan, I suffered silently, making the best of a bad situation, knowing full-well that the results were beyond my control. But in the past few years, everything changed.
The owner brought in a general manager who had a vision. The team would be filled with high-effort, high-character players who may not have the biggest names but also wouldn’t have the biggest egos. Guys who knew the meaning of teamwork and sacrifice.
Their leader was a point guard named Jalen Brunson. Even though he won high school and college championships, no one thought he was good enough to lead a pro team. Too short. Not athletic enough. Jalen Brunson just scored 45 points in the final game of the series. Same as Michael Jordan in 1998.
He’s now a legend in New York. Here’s what he had to say after the game.
“I’ve always told myself, and I’ve always been taught by my parents: Never be afraid to fail. You put the confidence you have in everything you do when the lights are on because of everything you’ve done when no one is watching.”
This quote is the reason I’m writing to you today. Because it echoes MY favorite quote – which I have on a painting in my home – “What would you do if you could not fail?”
So, what would you do if you weren’t afraid to fail?
What would you do if you weren’t afraid of going back online?
What would you do if you weren’t afraid of going on one date a week?
What would you do if you weren’t afraid of getting rejected by a man you really liked?
What would you do if you weren’t afraid of being vulnerable?
What would you do if you weren’t afraid of getting hurt?
The truth is, you don’t lack romantic love because you’re unworthy. If anything, you have underestimated what you’re worth in love, and after years of disappointing relationships, you’re afraid to take the risks required to get what you want.
If fear has been making your decisions – quitting online dating, giving up on men, convincing yourself life is better alone – you’re not playing to win. You’re playing not to lose.
The question isn’t whether you’ll ever get rejected or disappointed again, any more than Jalen Brunson could guarantee the Knicks would win.
The question is whether you’re willing to let your past keep you from creating the future you’ve always wanted.
Love,
Evan
My family, watching the final game, together.
I’ve been a dating coach since 2003.
During that time, I’ve read dozens of books on psychology, relationships, communication, and attachment. Some have taught me something new. Some have challenged my assumptions. Most have reinforced ideas I was already seeing play out in my coaching.
But every once in a while, I come across a book that makes me stop and think, “Finally. Someone put the science behind what I’ve been observing all along.”
That’s exactly how I felt reading Amir Levine’s new book Secure.
You know Levine from his blockbuster bestseller Attached, in which he popularized the idea of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. In Secure, he offers the solution on how to act secure and choose a secure partner.
I read the entire book in a week and finished feeling validated. In fact, there were multiple moments where I found myself highlighting passages and thinking, “I’ve been saying this for years.”
Here are five places where Secure and my work converge in ways that made me smile.
1. We both believe security is defined by consistency.
One of Levine’s definitions of a secure partner is someone who is CARRP: consistent, available, responsive, reliable, and predictable.
My terminology for the traits that a good partner must have are: character, kindness, consistency, communication, and commitment.
Pretty similar, huh?
It shouldn’t be surprising. If a man consistently shows up, follows through, communicates clearly, and treats you with respect, your nervous system relaxes.
That’s what secure attachment looks like.
2. We both encourage you to lean on secure people.
One of the most interesting ideas in Secure is that when your attachment system is activated, you shouldn’t isolate. You should turn to secure people who help regulate your emotions instead of amplifying them.
My clients don’t hire me because I can magically hand them a husband. They hire me because when they’re spiraling, catastrophizing, or making excuses for emotionally unavailable men, I offer a grounded perspective that brings them back to reality.
This is often a healthier approach than asking your friends – many of whom are in bad relationships or struggling with the same issues as you.
3. We both emphasize real-time intervention. One passage that particularly struck me was Levine’s observation that the most effective interventions often happen in the moment, before old attachment patterns have a chance to take over.
This is why coaching works better than consuming content or therapy. Reading a book is valuable. Venting to a trained professional for 50 minutes is valuable. But when you’re three dates into a confusing situation and your anxious brain is spinning out, you need someone who can interrupt the cycle before you repeat another mistake.
My clients know they can call or email any time and I will get back to them ASAP.
4. We both describe secure relationships as collaborative.
Most online advice focuses on the problems with “people pleasing” and “codependence.” that treats men as your combatants instead of your collaborators.
One of my favorite concepts in Secure is the idea that securely attached people don’t spend their relationships negotiating power. They naturally collaborate.
You’ve heard me describe the best relationships as “easy”? That’s what Levine is talking about and that’s a very different model than constantly setting boundaries with someone who resists your needs.
In truly healthy relationships, both people are equally invested in each other’s happiness.
5. We both focus on the effectiveness of treatment above all.
Levine isn’t interested in labeling people as broken. He’s interested in asking whether a strategy is working. That’s been my coaching philosophy from the beginning. It’s never “right vs. wrong.” It’s “effective vs. ineffective.”
I don’t spend much time debating whether your behavior stems from childhood wounds, attachment injuries, or personality traits. The more useful question is simple: Is what you’re doing getting you the relationship you want?
If the answer is no, we change the behavior.
At the end of the day, both Secure and I are trying to accomplish the same thing: to stop repeating old relationship patterns, and to start building relationships that feel good.
His contribution is explaining the science of secure attachment. Mine is translating those principles into practical decisions that smart, successful women can apply while dating.
Love,
Evan
A year ago, I submitted a piece to the New York Times called “In Defense of Love,” in which I pushed back against the idea that men are bad and marriage is dead. I argued for hetero-optimism: the belief that a happy marriage can still be yours.
Last week, the New York Times published an article called “There’s Nothing Wrong With Wanting Men.” It cited many of the same studies, referenced many of the same cultural trends, and used the same phrase: hetero-optimism.
Whether the author ever saw my article is beside the point. The bigger question is why so many people have lost faith in love in the first place.
I think I know the answer.
The Rise of Texting (2010)Texting is the most ubiquitous—and worst—form of communication.
It’s great for sending memes, sharing articles, flirting during the day, or letting someone know you’re running late. Yet people now use texting to get to know dating prospects and conduct important relationship conversations, and it’s woefully inadequate for both.
Five minutes on FaceTime creates more connection than fifty text messages. Yet because texting is easy, we’ve turned it into the primary language of modern dating, even when it works against us.
The Rise of Social Media (2012)Facebook, YouTube, and Instagram already existed. Then they moved onto our phones.
As algorithms became more sophisticated, they discovered that outrage keeps people engaged. The same polarization that infected politics eventually infected dating.
If you’re a left-leaning woman online, you’re likely to be fed content highlighting the worst men. On the other side, the manosphere gets rewarded for broadcasting misogyny. The extremes get amplified because the extremes generate clicks.
Meanwhile, most men and women sit in the middle wondering how the conversation became so hostile.
The Rise of Dating Apps (2014)Dating sites like Match encouraged people to tell stories about themselves. Profiles were long. Conversations happened by email. Emails led to phone calls. Phone calls led to dates.
This was the 1995-2010 version of courtship, and it worked pretty well.
Dating apps replaced that process with a handful of photos and a few one-line prompts. The result is a system that rewards looks and leaves almost everyone feeling disposable.
People then conclude love is broken when the real problem is the way they’re looking for it.
Humans Are TribalImagine that the media published articles with titles like “The Trouble With Wanting Women,” “Women, Where Have You Gone?” or “Why Men Are Tired of Womankeeping.”
It would be credibly accused of misogyny. Yet these are the kinds of headlines being written about men in major publications on a regular basis.
If normal men repeatedly hear that men are the problem, some will become defensive, some will become angry, and some will simply withdraw.
As a single woman seeking relationship advice, you’re likely to see the worst behavior of men in your feed. But the worst is often a function of the systems that have set us up for failure. If an above-average man has to hypothetically swipe on 1000 women to get one date, it’s easy to understand why he’s frustrated and doesn’t want to be told he’s the problem.
This doesn’t excuse bad behavior from men but it does explain why both women and men are retreating to their tribes.
Learned Helplessness Is RealWe’ve removed depth from dating profiles, turning them into mostly photo-based apps.
We’ve removed email from the dating process, replacing longer conversations with one-line texts.
We’ve removed the search functions from dating sites, replacing them with algorithms that decide who gets seen and who doesn’t.
With so many options and so much competition, it becomes harder to focus on one person. People keep looking over their shoulder, wondering if someone better is one swipe away.
At the same time, most early communication now takes place over text. The limitations of dating apps and texting leave people less trusting and more anxious than ever before.
That anxiety shapes people’s dating behavior, which makes the experience worse for everyone. Case in point:
I was at a dinner party with a woman in her 50s who said she only goes on 25-minute coffee dates. She’s busy, after all, and she doesn’t want to waste time.
But what happens when you put a 25-minute ticking clock on a first date? I’ll tell you: it feels shitty. It makes you feel disposable. It creates anxiety about making a great first impression. If most men left you after 25 minutes, you’d want to quit dating too.
Sure enough, that’s what people are doing.
It’s called learned helplessness. If everything you’ve tried isn’t working, the logical conclusion is to give up. But giving up doesn’t solve the problem.
You cannot meet enough people IRL to go out on a date per week.
You can only use the available tools better.
How To Use Online Dating BetterIf dating apps, texting, and social media are creating many of these problems, the obvious solution is to MINIMIZE their role in the dating process.
Guess what? It’s not that hard.
Instead of using dating apps with short prompts and endless texting, I encourage clients to use Match. Write a long profile. Log into the desktop version. Communicate for a few days by email. Move to a FaceTime call. If the FaceTime goes well, have a Saturday night date without a time limit.
Suddenly, dating starts to feel a lot better because you’re only meeting men who EARNED a first date with you.
So why isn’t everybody doing this? Because humans are wired to do what’s easiest, not what’s most effective.
Long profiles take more effort than short prompts. Emails take more effort than texts. FaceTime takes more effort than messaging. Dinner dates take more effort than coffee dates. Yet every one of those things creates more connection and gives you more information about a potential partner.
We keep trying to evaluate compatibility through three prompts, four texts, and a rushed first meeting. It doesn’t work. We all know it. Yet somehow everyone has concluded that the problem isn’t the system but the people. They’re wrong.
Men and Women Are the Same as Twenty Years AgoSocial media has changed. Dating apps have changed. Texting has changed. Human nature has not. The evolution of a species takes place over thousands of years, not a few decades.
While it would be easy to talk about how bad men are – and there are no shortage of examples – this observation misses the larger point.
Men today are more evolved than at any point in human history. Despite the very real threats to abortion rights and negativity from the dark corners of the incel community, women and men have never been more equal. There’s a lower tolerance for sexual assault and domestic violence. Women have more college degrees, law degrees and medical degrees. Men are doing more housework and childrearing than ever. If you want an egalitarian relationship, the climate has never been better.
You Can’t Solve Society’s Problems But You Can Find a Good Man. For women dealing with men who are struggling financially or addicted to porn, gambling, or video games the situation can be difficult. However, if you’re a woman in the top 10% of education and income, the news is much rosier.
There are plenty of quality, commitment-oriented men looking for partnership. In the past two months alone, five clients over 50 have found boyfriends on Match.
That’s why I remain optimistic. Every day, people fall in love and build happy relationships.
Don’t let a broken dating culture convince you otherwise.
Love,
Evan
You’re living through a very negative moment in history.
Inflation is high. Corruption is high. Fear of AI is high. Spend ten minutes scrolling social media and you’ll find endless evidence that the world is getting worse by the day.
Some of that fear is justified. The problem comes when negativity becomes your entire worldview. When you hear the same stories over and over again, eventually they stop sounding like individual experiences and start sounding like universal truth.
That’s how Debbie arrived in my program. Debbie is 67 years old. Smart, attractive, funny. And fully convinced there were no good men left.
Given her history, I understood why she felt that way.
Her father was patriarchal, critical, verbally abusive. There was no affection in their home. No warmth. No appreciation. Her mom felt trapped in a marriage with a man she didn’t even seem to like. Like many women, she thought that was the best she could do, and she unintentionally passed that belief to her daughter.
Not surprisingly, Debbie married a man who felt very familiar. That’s not unusual, by the way. We recreate what feels familiar until we consciously choose something different.
Debbie’s husband lived his own independent life while she quit her high powered job to raise their children. There was no real partnership. Once their second son was born, she told me they were never truly alone together again. No intimacy. No emotional connection. No feeling of being cherished by her husband.
Eventually, the marriage ended, but Debbie’s story stayed the same: Men are selfish. Relationships are lonely. Love disappoints you in the end.
And who continues to reinforce that story every day? All of Debbie’s closest friends!
These are women in unhappy marriages they entered into decades ago. These are divorced women who have given up on the possibility of love. These are women who have plenty of evidence supporting the belief that relationships are draining.
Now, to be clear, their experiences were real. I’m not dismissing them. But it was still a very narrow slice of life. If everyone around you believes there are no good men, it simply becomes reality.
Then Debbie hired me.
At first, she wasn’t even talking much about men. She was talking about herself. How tired she was of feeling stuck. How lonely life had become. Solo trips. Museums. Girls nights out. Trying to fill her time while secretly feeling dead inside. She missed companionship. She missed affection. She missed feeling excited about the future instead of simply managing her disappointment.
And underneath all of it was something deeper: Debbie didn’t just stop believing in men. She stopped believing something better was still possible for her.
That began to change once she found herself surrounded by women who had a completely different experience of dating and relationships. Women with healthy boundaries. Women who understood men better. Women who had stopped chasing emotionally unavailable guys and started choosing men who actually showed up consistently.
Three months later, Debbie has seen five women in her mastermind finish the program with serious boyfriends. That shook her worldview in the best possible way.
Because both stories are true.
There are unhappy marriages everywhere. There are selfish men everywhere. There are people who stay together for forty years and barely even like each other.
There are also healthy couples. Loving marriages. Emotionally available men. Relationships where women feel safe, heard, and understood every single day.
Your life is shaped by which story you immerse yourself in.
If you wanted to get rich, you probably wouldn’t spend all your time around people explaining why success is impossible. If you wanted to get healthy, you probably wouldn’t surround yourself with people committed to unhealthy habits.
Yet women do this with love all the time.
They surround themselves with chronic pessimism, disappointment, and fear, then wonder why they feel hopeless about dating.
“My friends think I’m naive for believing in love.”
“My divorced friends tell me all men are terrible.”
“My married friends tell me marriage isn’t worth it.”
These people aren’t bad people. Usually they’re hurt people. But hurt people often mistake their personal experience for universal truth.
Your past is real. Your pain is real. Your disappointment is real. That doesn’t mean it has to become your future.
One of the biggest changes I see in women who succeed in love is that they stop reinforcing the same old narrative. They stop collecting evidence for why happiness is impossible. That’s what Debbie finally realized at 67 years old.
She had spent her entire life surrounded by evidence supporting one painful belief about men. For the first time, she chose to place herself in a different environment with different conversations and different outcomes. And slowly, her perspective has changed.
If this resonates with you, it may be worth asking whether the people around you are helping you move toward love or away from it.
And if you’re tired of trying to figure this out alone, schedule a private consultation with me.
Together, we’ll identify the beliefs and patterns keeping you stuck and help you create a path toward the healthy relationship you deserve.
Love,
Evan
One of the most important concepts I share as a dating coach is called mirroring.
Mirroring is designed to keep you from chasing down ambivalent men.
He texts, you text back. He calls, you call back. He says, “I can’t wait to see you,” and you warmly respond in kind. Simple.
The reason mirroring works is because confident men make things easy for you.
You don’t have to remind them you exist.
You don’t have to wonder where you stand.
You don’t have to carry the relationship while trying to convince yourself “he’s just busy.”
When I met my wife, she never had to call to see where things stood between us. I always initiated, followed up, and made plans. Not because I read a dating book about masculine energy, but because I liked her and wanted to see her again.
That’s what confident men do.
Mirroring protects women from overinvesting in men who are ambivalent, emotionally unavailable, or more interested in someone else. Frankly, that’s a LOT of men.
If a guy likes you but consistently puts in minimal effort, disappears for days, or expects you to keep the conversation alive, mirroring is an excellent dating technique.
But mirroring as a blanket rule is imperfect because not every man is the same.
Some men are naturally assertive and decisive. They have no problem pursuing women. They assume you’ll like them. They’re comfortable taking the lead.
Other men are more cautious. Less experienced. Less confident. Sometimes they like you but don’t fully trust that the feeling is mutual.
That doesn’t automatically make them weak or uninterested. It may simply mean they’re not wired to be the guy climbing the highest tree to pluck the apple off the top.
This is where smart women often get confused.
You meet a nice, thoughtful, relationship-oriented man who isn’t naturally aggressive in dating and compare him to the cocky guy who aggressively pursued you in the past.
The difference is that the cocky guy often pursued EVERYBODY.
The more passive guy may actually value you more.
So how can you tell whether a man is shy or simply not interested?
Easy. Pay attention to his personality.
A confident guy who barely reaches out probably isn’t thinking about you very much.
The agreeable, slightly awkward guy who seems nervous about doing the wrong thing may need more reassurance and reciprocity. That distinction matters.
Which brings me to a video in my Love U course called “The Two Exceptions to Mirroring.”
The first exception is when the connection is mutually strong. If you had an amazing date and something funny reminds you of him the next day, you can send him the video without worrying that you’re acting desperate.
There’s a huge difference between reaching out because you feel secure in the connection and because you’re afraid you won’t hear from him.
One comes from confidence. The other comes from anxiety.
A woman who is spiraling because a man hasn’t texted in twelve hours is not in her feminine energy. She’s in fear.
A woman who casually sends something playful because she feels good about where things stand is operating from abundance.
The second exception to mirroring is even more important.
Sometimes a man will directly say something like:
“You know, you could call me too.”
Most women hear this and immediately think: “Ugh. Weak. Passive.”
But that’s not necessarily what’s happening.
He may simply be telling you the kind of relationship dynamic that feels good to him – which, by the way, is identical to what you want HIM to do for YOU.
And if you want emotional intimacy with men, you can’t ignore what men say they need while expecting them to endlessly accommodate what YOU need.
Women constantly tell men: “I want consistent communication.” Fair enough. But if a man says: “I’d love to hear from you sometimes too,” and you refuse because some influencer told you never to initiate, you’re not responding to his needs. You’re following rules.
For many successful women, relationships naturally land in a more collaborative place anyway.
You’re proactive. He’s agreeable. You make some plans. He makes others.
Neither person is rigidly attached to old-school gender roles because the dynamic feels good to BOTH of you. That’s the key.
The goal is not to perform femininity correctly. The goal is to create a relationship where you both feel safe, understood, and valued.
Some women genuinely want a masculine man who does all the initiating forever.
That’s fine.
But if you want that dynamic, you also have to embrace the traditionally feminine role that comes with it: warm, receptive, and appreciative.
You can’t simultaneously demand traditional masculine pursuit while showing up like a demanding CEO interviewing potential partners.
Relationships are partnerships. Different couples arrive at that in different ways. The important thing is not who texted first. The important thing is whether both people feel wanted.
Love,
Evan
Two guys are hiking when they see a bear charging at them.
One drops his backpack and starts putting on running shoes.
The other says, “Are you crazy? You can’t outrun a bear.”
He says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear… I just have to outrun you.”
That’s what we’re going to be talking about today, using a real story of a real woman who is in a real relationship with a real smart, wealthy, relationship-oriented man.
The moral of the story: you don’t have to be perfect—you just have to be the woman who makes a high-quality man feel like choosing you is the obvious decision.
Chelsea was referred to me by a matchmaker who charges $100-$500K for her services. The matchmaker said she wouldn’t take her on as a client until she worked with me for six months. The unstated implication was that Chelsea was cold, difficult, and a workaholic, and would therefore be hard to match with her stable of wealthy men.
I’m thrilled to say that – nearly a year later – none of those things are true.
Chelsea is a multi-millionaire. She owns a small business with full-time employees, she has two kids and a live-in nanny. Her responsibilities are considerable. But all the stuff that the matchmaker was preparing me for has simply been a matter of a mistaken first impression.
Chelsea laughs easily. She asks me about my wife’s health. She’s open to feedback. She’s cried, multiple times, on our Zoom calls. Like many of my successful clients, she’s a Type A woman with a soft heart. She really is smarter and more productive than most men. She really does intimidate most men. Not because she’s trying but because she’s that impressive.
Two months ago, Chelsea started a relationship with a man who is truly her equal in terms of education, worldliness, and success. Like all men, he comes with a measure of baggage – but the baggage hasn’t proven to be that heavy. He’s a little older than she’d like. He’s got a little bit of that fragile male ego that needs stoking. But otherwise, Chelsea has been incredibly happy to find a man on her level. He’s been doing all of the initiating and planning, and eagerly took down his profile to focus on their relationship.
There was only one problem – which came up on the phone this week. Chelsea is concerned that her boyfriend is still in love with his ex. Her evidence: she cheated on him less than a year ago, precipitating their divorce, and any mention of her still gets him agitated.
And everyone knows that if a man still expresses emotion about his ex, that must mean he’s in love with her. Right?
Not quite.
Being a good partner largely involves putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and considering why a good man would think/act differently than you’d want them to.
When we perform this exercise on Chelsea’s boyfriend, it’s clear that he’s angry at his ex for many reasons: for cheating, for lying about cheating, for precipitating the dissolution of their former life, and for trying to get as much money as she can in the settlement.
Could you blame him?
On our call, Chelsea said she was inclined to tell her new boyfriend to ignore his ex and stop talking about her. Perhaps they could move on without ever bringing her up again.
That’s not how people work, I told Chelsea. Imagine if one of your friends had been cheated on by her husband, he initiated a divorce, and wanted to screw her financially.
Would you tell her to get over it? Would you tell her that she’s being thin-skinned? Would you tell her that she should stop talking about the central drama in her life?
You would not. Women never talk that way to each other. They lead with empathy.
“Oh my God. He is SUCH a jerk. I can’t believe he did that to you. How selfish! How ungrateful! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What can I do to make it better? Do you want me to kill him? Or just take you out for a nice meal? Whatever you need.”
This is what your friend wants to hear. You certainly would not be dismissive of her feelings, no matter how much she talks about her evil ex.
When I said this to Chelsea, her face lit up like a Christmas tree.
In that moment, she understood that she needed to treat her boyfriend the way she treated her best girl friends. And she realized that she DIDN’T do this in her marriage.
She’s not alone.
Janice’s husband of 26 years cheated on her and left her for a younger woman.
This devastating breach of trust ended a marriage that Janice acknowledges should have ended long before. Even though she’s happier now that she’s not stuck in a suffocating relationship, Janice has been scarred by her experience.
Questions abound: How long was he lying to me? Was our entire relationship a lie? Was he in love with her? Was it partially my fault? Did I miss the signs? Could I have done anything differently? Will I ever trust again? Will I ever love again? How can I make sure this never happens again?
As her coach, it’s my job to answer all of Janice’s questions with sensitivity. Six months after hiring me, Janice is in a promising new relationship for the first time since her divorce.
His name is Tom. Like Janice, he’s in his mid-60s. Like Janice, he’s fit and into personal growth. Like Janice, he was burned by a bad marriage but aspires to having a healthy one.
Four weeks into their relationship, Tom had already made clear that he wanted to be exclusive to Janice. He was even there for her when she got notification of a health scare.
In her words: “This morning when I woke up, I texted him at 7:00. He didn’t respond right away because he was in the shower. When he did respond, he apologized for the delay and immediately called to see if I was okay. I told him I could really use some support–thinking through options for my care. He was over within an hour. Said he would listen without giving advice unless I specifically asked for it. He is wonderful.
Asking for help was a very vulnerable thing for me. I didn’t even ask my husband all those years because of early experiences with him around it. I understand now that he didn’t have the capacity.
All of this is to say how much I appreciate you and your work. Without it I wouldn’t be where I am and for sure would have written off this great guy. So yes I did the work…your work.
Forever grateful,
Janice
Beautiful. Another Love U Love Story, right? Not quite.
Two weeks later, Janice heard from a friend that Tom’s profile was still live on Match – even though he said he had taken it down. Janice left him a voice mail immediately, shocked because he never gave her any reason to question him. Here is his follow up text:
“Closing the loop. All notifications turned off and profile hidden, I am sorry that you have been given reason to question or doubt me. In my mind, I believe we are in an exclusive (monogamous) girlfriend and boyfriend relationship with the intent to build a long term relationship. I feel strongly that our ability to communicate is one of the things that has made this even possible. I don’t know the future but I do know that I am ready, willing and able to give this everything I’ve got to see where we can take this experiment together! Hope that helps.”
This exchange triggered Janice. She concluded her new boyfriend is dishonest, her trust has been broken, and she can’t continue. Before acting, she wanted to run it by me first.
I cited a few core Love U ideas:
Look at his pattern of behavior. Tom wanted to be Janice’s boyfriend well before she was ready to commit to him. He has already stepped up to act like her boyfriend after her scary diagnosis. He immediately took down his profile and spent close to two hours explaining himself after this misunderstanding. Logically, it doesn’t make much sense for a guy to do all this…while actively pursuing other women.
Remember: It’s full trust or no trust. This is not to say that every man is trustworthy – only that if you’re dating a man you don’t trust, you should get rid of him. “So”, I asked Janice, “based on your interactions thus far, do you trust him or not?” Turns out, Janice trusts him, despite the fact that his profile was still active. And yet she was this close to breaking up with him out of fear.
I then shared a story about myself (as I am wont to do).
See, although I met my wife at a party in Beverly Hills 20 years ago, we were both on Match at the time. After 4 weeks of dating, I pulled my profile down and started referring to her as my girlfriend. By our second month together, I’d already met her family, helped her move, and was planning a vacation to Greece and Turkey.
And yet I remember distinctly in Month 3 of our relationship, wandering around her one-bedroom apartment, looking at everything on the walls and countertops as she finished up her shower. There were tons of artifacts from her international travels… and a wide-open laptop with an inbox showing dozens of emails from Match.
Wait, what? This was my GIRLFRIEND. The one I was taking to Europe. My profile was down. I only assumed her profile was down. What could this possibly mean?
Given that my girlfriend was a high-integrity, high-EQ person, the most logical explanation was this: she just forgot to hide her Match profile. As a result, Match would send her an email with a bunch of hot guys every day that she would summarily ignore.
Since my wife now has over 50,000 unopened emails in her inbox, maybe her profile is STILL up. I have no idea. All I know is that – because I trusted her – my mind didn’t immediately leap to the worst case scenario, but rather, the best case scenario.
This is what experts mean about “assuming positive intent.” When you’re with a good person, you should assume the most charitable interpretation of events until proven otherwise. This method has served me incredibly well throughout my life.
I predict it will serve Janice well in her relationship with Tom.
Love,
Evan
Two guys are hiking when they see a bear charging at them.
One drops his backpack and starts putting on running shoes.
The other says, “Are you crazy? You can’t outrun a bear.”
He says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear… I just have to outrun you.”
That’s what we’re going to be talking about today, using a real story of a real woman who is in a real relationship with a real smart, wealthy, relationship-oriented man.
The moral of the story: you don’t have to be perfect—you just have to be the woman who makes a high-quality man feel like choosing you is the obvious decision.
Chelsea was referred to me by a matchmaker who charges $100-$500K for her services. The matchmaker said she wouldn’t take her on as a client until she worked with me for six months. The unstated implication was that Chelsea was cold, difficult, and a workaholic, and would therefore be hard to match with her stable of wealthy men.
I’m thrilled to say that – nearly a year later – none of those things are true.
Chelsea is a multi-millionaire. She owns a small business with full-time employees, she has two kids and a live-in nanny. Her responsibilities are considerable. But all the stuff that the matchmaker was preparing me for has simply been a matter of a mistaken first impression.
Chelsea laughs easily. She asks me about my wife’s health. She’s open to feedback. She’s cried, multiple times, on our Zoom calls. Like many of my successful clients, she’s a Type A woman with a soft heart. She really is smarter and more productive than most men. She really does intimidate most men. Not because she’s trying but because she’s that impressive.
Two months ago, Chelsea started a relationship with a man who is truly her equal in terms of education, worldliness, and success. Like all men, he comes with a measure of baggage – but the baggage hasn’t proven to be that heavy. He’s a little older than she’d like. He’s got a little bit of that fragile male ego that needs stoking. But otherwise, Chelsea has been incredibly happy to find a man on her level. He’s been doing all of the initiating and planning, and eagerly took down his profile to focus on their relationship.
There was only one problem – which came up on the phone this week. Chelsea is concerned that her boyfriend is still in love with his ex. Her evidence: she cheated on him less than a year ago, precipitating their divorce, and any mention of her still gets him agitated.
And everyone knows that if a man still expresses emotion about his ex, that must mean he’s in love with her. Right?
Not quite.
Being a good partner largely involves putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and considering why a good man would think/act differently than you’d want them to.
When we perform this exercise on Chelsea’s boyfriend, it’s clear that he’s angry at his ex for many reasons: for cheating, for lying about cheating, for precipitating the dissolution of their former life, and for trying to get as much money as she can in the settlement.
Could you blame him?
On our call, Chelsea said she was inclined to tell her new boyfriend to ignore his ex and stop talking about her. Perhaps they could move on without ever bringing her up again.
That’s not how people work, I told Chelsea. Imagine if one of your friends had been cheated on by her husband, he initiated a divorce, and wanted to screw her financially.
Would you tell her to get over it? Would you tell her that she’s being thin-skinned? Would you tell her that she should stop talking about the central drama in her life?
You would not. Women never talk that way to each other. They lead with empathy.
“Oh my God. He is SUCH a jerk. I can’t believe he did that to you. How selfish! How ungrateful! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What can I do to make it better? Do you want me to kill him? Or just take you out for a nice meal? Whatever you need.”
This is what your friend wants to hear. You certainly would not be dismissive of her feelings, no matter how much she talks about her evil ex.
When I said this to Chelsea, her face lit up like a Christmas tree.
In that moment, she understood that she needed to treat her boyfriend the way she treated her best girl friends. And she realized that she DIDN’T do this in her marriage.
She’s not alone.
We all tend to be less empathetic to our partners than we are to our friends, employees, and strangers. This presents an incredible opportunity to change the narrative.
Without knowing anything about Chelsea’s boyfriend’s marriage, my guess is that if infidelity was involved, the marriage had been dying for years.
Chances are that both parties stopped leading with kindness and were increasingly cold and dismissive of each others’ needs.
If that’s the case, wouldn’t it make sense for Chelsea to do the opposite? To kill him with kindness? To nurture him in a way that his ex likely did not?
It seems obvious that patience, warmth, and trust will bring out a better side in this guy than doubling down on the criticism that his wife surely leveled at him in the past.
This is what I meant by saying you don’t have to outrun the bear.
You just have to outrun his ex. How? By making him feel more accepted and appreciated than she did. I promise you: the bar is not that high.
Love,
Evan
The news is bad. That much is true. From the war, to the inflation from the war, to the assassination attempt, most of us are upset, angry, and afraid.
Upset at the unraveling of our institutions, angry at those who don’t listen to their constituents, afraid of how little control we have over our lives.
I can vote. I can doomscroll for 5 hours a day. But there’s little I can do to change the trajectory of the U.S. and its politics. Thus, I have two choices: despair, or go on living.
Despair is easy. In light of our own powerlessness, we become paralyzed by indecision. We stop taking action because we don’t know what action to take. If anxiety triggers the fight or flight mechanism – and we don’t know who to fight – we withdraw.
That’s what millions of women are doing when it comes to love.
“I don’t know what to do” turns into “I won’t do anything at all.”
Everybody agrees: Dating apps are bad. Men are toxic. Relationships are pointless.
Then there are my clients.
If you’re reading this, they’re women who are a lot like you. They’re going through a midlife reinvention. Maybe it’s a divorce. Maybe it’s an empty nest. Maybe it’s retirement. Maybe it’s all of them.
Despite the uncertainty, what you do know is that you’re smart, resilient, and financially independent. You don’t need a man but you still want a man – as long as that man is not like your ex. If you’re going to be with a guy, he has to add value instead of drain your life force.
What does adding value mean?
He has to prioritize you. He has to listen to you. He has to respect you. He has to communicate with you. He has to have his own life – and want to be a part of yours.
I know that after a bitter divorce or years of unsuccessful online dating, it’s hard to conceive that this man is real. He is. And, in fact, there are lots of men like him.
How do I know this if I’m a married man who hasn’t been on a date for 20 years?
My clients tell me.
8 women attended a small group coaching call on Tuesday night.
4 of them are new and haven’t started dating yet.
The other 4 are all in relationships that started online since they’ve worked with me.
Sara is a 65 year old marketing executive who was widowed after 30 years.
Alison is a 54 year old scientist who chooses abusive men with avoidant attachment issues.
Jessica is a 64 year old life coach who went through a painful divorce after 26 years.
Denise is a 44 year old entrepreneur who is never married with no kids.
All are great catches. All had broken man-pickers. All found men who are kind, generous, and commitment-oriented within two months of working with me.
This is a testament to those women.
Where other women stayed paralyzed, they took action.
Where other women bought the lie that love is impossible, they proved otherwise.
It’s not about whether you can find love.
It’s about whether you choose to – like Sara, Alison, Jessica, and Denise.
If you’re ready to make that choice for yourself, I’m here.
Love,
Evan
My wife is struggling right now.
I don’t say that to gain your sympathy. I say that because it’s true. The side effects of cancer and chemo have left her feeling tired and achy all the time. The only sounds I hear all day are my wife gasping for breath going upstairs and saying “ow” at random times.
Since I can’t help her heal faster, I try to make her life easier. I pay all the bills. I’ve taken on more carpooling, more cooking, more cleaning. Whatever she wants, I do, no questions asked. That’s the job description and I take it seriously.
At some point, my wife will be better again and we will return to normal. Or maybe not. You never know. But vowing to love someone, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do you part, means something. I love my wife like I love my kids. Unconditionally.
That love gives me meaning and purpose beyond the pleasures of daily life.
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On Saturday, a close friend came to my house for a leisurely afternoon.
She’s in her mid-50’s and objectively an amazing catch. Smart. Beautiful. Successful. She got divorced twenty years ago and raised two young men by herself.
Now she’s in a 4-year long-distance relationship. She sees him on the weekends.
She loves her freedom. She loves her independence. She doesn’t want a greater commitment. She wants exactly what she has.
When I asked her about her stance on a more integrated partnership, she told me that while she believes in marriage for some people, she doesn’t believe in it for her.
Which is perfectly fair. Whatever floats her boat. The issue I have is not with any person who values autonomy. The issue I have is with societal messaging around this topic.
“Is marriage dead? Is it the last vestige of the patriarchy?”
It’s as if millions of happily married people don’t even exist. I asked my friend why she would limit the heights of her love to weekends. Here’s what she said.
“People aren’t meant to be with one person forever.”
Biologically, this is true. We live longer than we used to. We are all attracted to other people. Then again, people override their biology all the time.
The same way that democracy – however flawed – is the best political system, and capitalism – however flawed – is the best economic system, long-term monogamy remains the best relationship model – provided you choose a good partner.
Being single is hard. Dating is hard. Polyamory – don’t get me started. Which is why if you find one person with whom you want to share your feelings, your expenses, your bed, your travel, your joys and your sorrows, you win.
Do you need a man if you’re financially independent? No, you do not.
Would you like to have one who adds value instead of subtracting it? Most women would.
They just don’t believe they can find it because of their previous experience.
“You don’t need a piece of paper to have a committed relationship.”
It’s true. You don’t. And if you’re part of a couple that’s been together for twenty years without the piece of paper and are functionally married, you can ignore this article.
But, apart from the legal benefits, I don’t think marriage is just a piece of paper. It’s a commitment to the commitment. It’s the declaration that you accept someone in full and you’re not going anywhere.
It’s not that people don’t break their vows or ever get divorced; it’s that the commitment in a marriage is far more serious than just having a boyfriend. It’s buying instead of renting. It’s taking a full-time position instead of a temp position. A boyfriend may become a husband but they are not one and the same.
In fact, the woman who inspired this piece told me about her previous boyfriend who ghosted her after four years. Husbands will occasionally do that, but the integration of life partnership signifies something larger than “we enjoy dinner and sex on the weekends.”
“I don’t know of any happy couples.”
You may have heard the saying, “We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are.”
If you come from a family of divorce, verbal abuse, cheating, narcissism, or alcoholism, it will impact how you see the world. If you married someone with these traits, that will only further solidify your view about marriage. And if you spent 10, 20, or 30 years, bending over backwards to accommodate the selfishness of some fatally flawed man, the most logical reaction to that is “never again!”
But you must keep in mind, this is only YOUR experience of marriage. It’s not THE experience of marriage. Are there a lot of bad marriages? Sure. Probably ⅔ of them. So if you’re risk-averse, you might conclude that there’s no point in taking a chance on something that doesn’t have a high success rate.
Then again, those ⅔ have nothing to do with you. I’m not advocating commitment for the sake of commitment, or marriage for the sake of marriage. In other words, my agenda is not to “get you married,” but only to point out that there are MILLIONS of happy marriages.
The same way my friend is surrounded by a lot of divorced middle-aged women who are done with marriage, I’m surrounded by a lot of happily married couples.
Is that a coincidence? Or a perfect example of “We don’t see things the way they are. We see things the way we are”?
___________________________________________________
The point of this post – believe it or not – is not about marriage. It’s about the lens through which you view the world and the limiting beliefs we all maintain.
My friend thinks she’s in the best situation for her because she has a monogamous boyfriend 90 minutes away who gives her lots of space.
I don’t doubt that she’s content with the arrangement.
So I’ll pose the same question to you as I did to her:
Do you think that, if you had cancer, your boyfriend would pay all your bills, drive you to chemo, and devote his life to ensuring your wellness and survival? Or is he with you until there’s a bump in the road or he meets a younger woman who lives closer?
You already know the answer.
The question is what would you rather have?
A boyfriend? Or a husband?
Love,
Evan
Let’s acknowledge some truths about dating in 2026:
Dating apps are ubiquitous. They’re free and frictionless and easy to use.
Dating apps are shallow. They reward looks and, due to having three short prompts, limit your ability to showcase your personality.
Because of the high volume of people and low-quality of the interaction (Hey!), many people are burned out on the dating app experience.
You conclude that because dating apps are bad and meeting in person is good, they should delete their apps and start doing more activities IRL.
You take up pickleball. You join a hiking club. You consider golf. You discover that despite all of these genuinely fun hobbies, your love life hasn’t changed at all.
This is the story of millions of women, who have collectively come to the false conclusion that it’s impossible to meet quality men – both online and in real life.
Here’s what they’re missing:
That’s a screenshot of one of my client’s Match statistics for her first week online.
Marisa is a 44-year-old single mom in New Jersey.
This image dispels a bunch of myths all at once:
1 – Nobody under 60 is using Match.
Well, at least 1976 men who liked her profile in the past 7 days are using it.
2 – Men are shallow and don’t take the time to read profiles.
I write my private clients two 200 word essays (About Me/About Who I’m Looking For). Every single one sees an immediate difference in the quality and quantity of men, and receives multiple emails saying that it’s the best profile they’ve ever read.
Quality men still seek out quality women.
3 – Guys just want to meet in person ASAP and won’t respect your boundaries.
Of the 202 men who wrote, Marisa responded to 20. Four earned FaceTime conversations. Two earned dates.
Next week, Marisa, will likely text 5-10 new guys and have 1-2 more dates.
She will do this over and over until she finds a man worthy of her commitment. In my experience, that will take her less than six months.
What I hope I’ve illustrated is that while most people are reading the dating market wrong – either opting out or dating ineffectively – my clients are making a killing.
- Instead of relying on luck and hobbies to generate a love life, they’re dating online.
- Instead of dating apps, they’re using dating sites – with longer profiles and emails.
- Instead of thinking men are impossibly shallow and won’t consider middle-aged single moms, they’re seeing that tons of quality are still interested in depth.
- Instead of getting stuck in texting hell and meeting strangers for coffee, they’re making men meet on FaceTime before earning a real-life date.
It’s a system. It works. And in a world where everyone else is dropping out of the dating market, in truth, it’s a perfect buying opportunity.
Click here to get started.
Love,
Evan
Once upon a time, there was a Facebook account that had millions of followers.
It was called “The Problem With Women…Is Men.”
Pure marketing genius. Flatter your audience (women). Find a common enemy (men). Wash, rinse, repeat. And hey, it’s kind of fun to point out the worst behaviors of the opposite sex, because there is some truth to stereotypes. Here are ten semi-true examples
Men think about sex a lot
Crude but accurate. Frequency varies, but the baseline is higher than most women expect.
Men will sleep with women they wouldn’t seriously date
Sexual standards and relationship standards are often different.
Men avoid difficult conversations
Especially emotional or relationship-defining ones. Many will delay or minimize rather than engage directly.
Men can be emotionally immature
Not all, but a meaningful percentage haven’t developed the same level of emotional awareness or communication skills.
Men are territorial/possessive
Jealousy, protectiveness, ego around their partner. This shows up across cultures.
Men overestimate their own attractiveness or value
Confidence sometimes drifts into delusion. You see it in dating apps constantly.
Men are lazy in relationships once they feel secure
Effort during pursuit can drop off after commitment.
Men struggle with subtlety
Hints, indirect communication, nuance: many miss it. Men respond better to directness.
Men bond through activity more than conversation
Connection often centers around doing things, not talking things through.
Men’s self-worth is tied heavily to status and success
Money, career, respect from men—these matter deeply, often more than relationships.
Remember, I’m a guy and I’m saying that these negative stereotypes are often true. Not always. But enough that when you scan that list, you probably nod your head.
Sex-crazed, emotionally undeveloped, delusional, jealous, controlling, insecure.
“THIS is what I’m dealing with,” you think. What’s the point of dating if men – across the board, stereotypically – are so highly flawed?
That’s what content like “The Problem with Women…Is Men” would suggest.
Here’s the problem with such dating advice: it teaches you nothing. It validates what we all want to believe: we’re perfect and everyone else out there sucks.
It’s just not true. If you’re a heterosexual woman who dates men, the above list may hit a little too close to home. But if you were a heterosexual man, you’d have a different list, wouldn’t you? One that would look a little more like this:
Women say they want one thing but respond to another
Stated preferences (kind, stable, nice) don’t always match actual attraction (confidence, edge, status).
Women are more selective than men
Across apps and real life, women filter harder and reject more quickly.
Women can be indirect communicators
Hints, implications, reading between the lines. Saying something without saying it outright.
Women talk about relationships…a lot
Processing with friends, analyzing interactions, replaying conversations.
Women compare themselves to other women
Looks, lifestyle, relationship status. Social comparison drives behavior.
Women can lose attraction quickly
A single moment – neediness, weakness, inconsistency – THE ICK – can flip a switch.
Women can hold onto resentment longer
You may forgive, but you won’t forget. Most guys get over fights faster.
I’m not saying these all apply to you (no more than the entire men’s list applied to me) but I hope you can see how some men might draw such conclusions.
In fact, they have – in the Manosphere. That’s the sad corner of the Internet where men overemphasize the worst stereotypes of women and live as if they’re 100% true.
If women are into looks more than nice guys, you should biohack and work out 2 hrs/day.
If women are into money, you should be an influencer who drives a Lamborghini.
If women are into “masculine men,” you should act like a douche who has no feelings.
It’s ridiculous.
Naturally, women see men who act like this and conclude the worst stereotypes of men are true. And around and around we go.
So let’s put down our swords and speak reasonably. We don’t want a world where women demonize men and men demonize women. We want a world in which we can acknowledge the differences between men and women and even celebrate (or laugh at) them.
This is the world so many of my happily married clients inhabit.
I invite you to join us.
Love,
Evan
Jen knew that getting into an Ivy League school was competitive so she took all AP classes in high school and added four years of extracurriculars to get her into Dartmouth.
She knew she wanted a career with considerable financial upside, so she majored in economics. It was a male-dominated program and Jen knew she’d have to be tough to get ahead. She graduated magna cum laude and got a job straight out of school as an analyst for Smith Barney.
Back in the 90’s, it was full-on Wolf of Wall Street, so Jen learned how to put her head down, manage her emotions, and burn the midnight oil. In the first few years of her career, she was routinely clocking 16 hour days with no time to herself and barely any time for sleep.
She made great money and had little time to spend it. Then she met her husband – another mergers and acquisitions guy – in her late 20’s. He made enough for Jen to quit her day job and become a devoted stay-at-home-Mom in her 30’s.
While he paid for everything, she took care of everything else: The groceries. The social plans. The doctors’ appointments. The carpool. The club sports. The vacations.
Their roles became more well-defined and separate. The next thing you know, they had drifted apart. From the outside, they looked like the perfect family. From the inside, there wasn’t much left to them as a couple. Most of their conversations were about money and the kids, and the very things that brought them together no longer seemed to matter.
The 5 Love Languages? Jen’s husband barely spoke one.
Jen summoned the same skill set that took her from high school to Dartmouth and from Dartmouth to Wall Street. She doubled down on hard work. She went to therapy. She tried to drag her husband to therapy. She tried to plan date nights. In fact, at one point, Jen realized she was doing everything to bring them closer together and he was doing nothing.
But that didn’t stop her. As a hard-working, analytical, tenacious woman, she was not going down without a fight. Not with two kids. Not with their nice house. Not with the fear of starting over. Even though Jen would later estimate that they got along less than half the time, she stayed. She ignored her feelings of being unseen and resigned herself to being the best Mom she could be. By the time the kids were in high school, their marriage was a shell of the original thing that brought them together.
In school and your career, you put in the work, you get the reward.
Love doesn’t operate that way.
If it did, Jen would be a success, since no one will outwork her. But love isn’t about work; it’s about listening to your feelings. After two decades of ignoring her feelings, Jen divorced her husband and figured that, because she was a catch, she’d find a new man quickly.
But love is not a meritocracy – and you don’t succeed because you went to a good school, have a healthy bank account, and a well-worn passport. You don’t succeed by latching onto the first cute, rich guy who comes along and holding onto him for dear life, because you don’t like being alone and you don’t like dating.
That is intern behavior. You’re a CEO. A CEO knows that the secret to low employee turnover is to create a culture of accountability. To hire slowly and fire quickly.
This is the OPPOSITE of how most high-achieving, high net-worth women date.
You hire quickly – in the first few dates – but you may take decades to fire. All because of how tenacious you are. That’s the paradigm we have to break.
Jen’s story isn’t unique.
It’s what happens when you apply a success strategy that works everywhere else in your life to the one place where it backfires.
Your ability to push through, to stay committed, to outwork everyone in the room is exactly what made you successful.
It’s also what keeps you in relationships long after they stop feeling good.
If you’re ready to stop overinvesting in the wrong relationships and start choosing men who actually show up for you, I invite you to take the next step.
You deserve to have the easy, lasting relationship you’ve always worked so hard for.
If I were a smarter guy, here’s the book that I would write.
It’s called The Overcorrection.
It’s about what happens when we react to painful experiences in our lives and swing too far in the opposite direction.
A bad relationship leads someone to swear off relationships forever.
A partner who struggled financially leads someone to insist the next man must have money.
A marriage without affection leads someone to chase chemistry above everything else.
One painful experience turns into a rule about how the world works.
And those rules often take us somewhere we never intended to go.
I see it all the time in dating.
Women who had financially unstable partners decide the next man must have money, only to discover that having money doesn’t automatically make someone a good husband.
Women who had no sex or affection in their marriages chase chemistry after divorce and discover that intense chemistry can blind you to someone’s worst qualities.
People who were in a bad marriage convince themselves the answer is to never get married again.
And then those same people discover that while you can fend for yourself alone, and yes, that’s better than being with someone who drags you down, life is still harder when you’re doing everything by yourself.
Your friends love you. Your family loves you. But they’re not going to love you the way a partner will.
They’re not waking up next to you every morning.
They’re not rubbing your feet at the end of a long day.
They’re not killing the bugs, taking out the heavy garbage bags, planning the road trip, driving the car, paying for the hotel.
They’re not the person who listens to you at the end of every day, drives you to chemo, and holds you while you fall asleep.
So yes, you can survive without a partner. You can wrap yourself in the banner of freedom and independence, but something is getting lost.
And who is encouraging that overcorrection?
The algorithms.
Algorithms reward outrage. They amplify division. They push content that makes you angry because angry people engage more. Reasonable content rarely goes viral.
Believe me, I never spent half a second thinking about being Jewish growing up, and now my social feeds constantly show me antisemitic content.
Do you really think your feeds aren’t shaping you too?
If your social media tells you dating apps are terrible, men are trash, and marriage is dead, it won’t take long before your single friends start repeating the same thing.
Suddenly that becomes the new normal.
If you try to defend men, dating apps, or marriage, you’re accused of supporting the patriarchy, which is pretty wild when you think about it.
I’m a happily married man who has spent two decades helping women raise their standards for relationships, date with confidence, and choose equal partners.
Somehow that gets twisted into the idea that I’m trying to trap women in an oppressive structure where men control them. Somehow I get lumped in with those who are trying to take away women’s rights. That’s how toxic the conversation has become.
This means you have to be extremely careful about who you listen to. So, ask yourself a simple question:
Would you rather take advice from angry women on social media and your circle of frustrated single friends?
Or would you rather listen to those who are actually in happy, healthy relationships?
Just because dating has been rough, you’ve invested in the wrong men, and some people around you are giving up on men doesn’t mean YOU have to.
There is still a path to the relationship you deserve.
But only if you stop listening to the loudest negative voices and resist the urge to overcorrect your way into a life without romantic love.
It’s the question I hear over and over again from smart, successful women:
“Evan, how do I make this relationship work?”
Now, don’t get me wrong, the desire to create a lasting relationship is noble. But that question: “How do I maintain this? How do I keep this alive?” starts from the wrong place.
It implies the relationship deserves to be saved.
It implies the man you’re with deserves the benefit of the doubt.
It implies that your job is to fix something that might be fundamentally broken.
And it completely misses the point of dating. You’re not supposed to maintain a relationship until it limps across the finish line. You’re supposed to evaluate it.
Because if a relationship only survives with constant work, scrutiny, and over-analysis, it’s probably not that strong to begin with.
And if it dies from lack of effort?
Let it.
This is what it means to be the CEO of your love life.
Just like a CEO doesn’t keep underperforming employees who drain the company’s energy and morale, you don’t keep a man who underdelivers and makes you question your worth.
You fire the man who’s killing your corporate culture. You don’t let him come in twice a week for three hours and continue to pay his exorbitant salary.
But don’t relationships take work?Sure. But not that kind of work. A good relationship takes EFFORT. It takes vulnerability, self-awareness, communication, and shared values. However, it does not require you to analyze it to death or constantly convince yourself it’s working when it isn’t.
In fact, here’s an insight that might make you squirm:
The more you analyze your relationship, the less you enjoy it.
This is true across the board. Ever noticed how the moment you try to document an amazing sunset, it’s no longer about the sunset?
That’s what most women do in their relationships.
They stop living inside the relationship and start hovering above it, dissecting every conversation, every text, every reaction. And here’s where it gets even trickier…
Observing something changes it.
It’s like Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. In quantum physics, the act of observing something changes what you’re observing. That’s what happens in relationships too.
When you’re constantly testing and evaluating it… you’re not IN it anymore.
You’re analyzing it to death, or worse, trying to resurrect a relationship that should already be put to rest. No wonder it feels exhausting.
Instead of being on high alert (which would seem to be a pretty unpleasant way to function in a relationship), relax. Observe. Trust your judgment.The right relationship won’t need CPR at every turn.
You won’t have to sit down every weekend and ask, “Where is this going?”
You won’t drag him to couples therapy against his will.
You won’t need quizzes to test compatibility. You’ll FEEL compatible.
The best relationships feel like being in flow. Two people showing up authentically, making an effort, and enjoying each other’s company without constantly trying to dissect it.
You don’t schedule “relationship maintenance” when things are smooth.
You don’t fix what isn’t broken.
You observe. You evaluate. And when something feels off, you act.
You either bring it up and give it a chance to correct or you walk away without guilt.
You don’t stay out of obligation. You don’t stay because you’ve already invested so much time. That’s the sunk cost fallacy, and it’s a trap too many women fall into.
You are not obligated to maintain a relationship that no longer serves you.
You are not responsible for a man’s growth curve.
You are not in charge of his emotional labor.
Your only job is to ask: does this man make my life better?Not COULD he make it better, eventually, if he went to therapy, grew up, got over his fear of commitment, changed careers, and stopped drinking.
Just, does he make my life better today?
A good man makes it easy. He makes it consistent. He makes it clear. He doesn’t make you question where you stand. He doesn’t need to be dragged to the finish line. He doesn’t need “motivation” to treat you well.
The best relationships don’t need to be analyzed and pieced together with duct tape.
You shouldn’t have to work so hard to keep something from breaking.
If you’re always the one holding it together, then it’s already falling apart.
Let go. Let it break. Let the wrong man walk.
Because the right one won’t require all this work
When he arrives, you’ll finally know what it means to feel safe, heard, and understood.
Love,
Evan
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I was on Zoom last week with a beloved client. Mid-40’s, gorgeous, single mom, aims high, achieves high, very into personal growth and change.
When we did a deep dive into her past, she revealed that she’d had three significant long-term relationships as an adult. 6 years, on and off. 10 years, on and off. 6 years, on and off. That’s two decades of her life, trying to make things work with men she loved.
A few more questions revealed that her mother stayed married to her serially unfaithful father for over 50 years, because “family comes first.”
You don’t need to be a psychologist to see the pattern.
Women turn a blind eye to a man’s flaws, sacrifice their own respect and happiness for their families, and either change to accommodate his unreasonable demands or futilely try to get him to change. Needless to say, none of this works.
Relationships like this are based on the idea that if you fall in love with someone, you should hold onto him like a life raft in the ocean because you may drown without him.
What you don’t calculate: you’re going down with the life raft.
In listening to my client defend her choices – she’s STILL hoping her current guy stops cheating and becomes a devoted husband – it became clear that this isn’t a logical decision, it’s an emotional one. When you build your world on the promises of a liar, the truth is too painful to face. All you can do is rationalize and justify the behaviors of your selfish narcissistic partner.
Even though you know how bad he is, you’ll grab any evidence to explain why you stay. “He’s really successful! He’s great in bed! He’s an amazing Dad! He’s so interesting!”
Who cares? He’s not running for mayor.
The job is HUSBAND. If he’s not good at THAT job, it doesn’t matter if he’s a stand-up comedian and generous philanthropist. It’s time to get rid of him.
The easiest way to avoid this trap is by not falling for charming, accomplished men who put their needs first and your needs second.
The next best way to avoid this trap is by memorizing these three facts, which we’ll call:
THE 3 BEST PREDICTORS OF DIVORCE
- Couples that get engaged and marry too quickly. Sure, your parents were engaged in 3 months and were together for 60 years. Sure, you know of some other couple who eloped to Vegas after six months and are still standing strong. The reason these are great stories is because they’re RARE. More often than not, if you’re getting engaged, moving in, or marrying someone in less than a year, you’re doing it out of passion, not out of wisdom. Here’s the problem: you don’t always know what someone’s flaws are at that point. I can’t tell you how many women were over the moon about a guy for a year, only to discover he was a horrible husband.
- Couples that get engaged and marry too SLOWLY. If not getting married for 2-3 years is optimal (to avoid mistakes and keep momentum), staying with a man for 5-10 years who doesn’t want to get married is a mistake. Why? Because men who want to get married will propose way before that. And any guy who hasn’t proposed to you in a decade DOESN’T WANT TO GET MARRIED. When that guy finally does propose following years of pressure and ultimatums, the marriage is already on shaky ground, because, as I said: he didn’t want to get married at all!
- Couples that make up and break up during courtship. I suppose you could imagine a universe in which a volatile couple that fights, breaks up, and gets back together repeatedly ends up in an easy, smooth marriage for the rest of their lives. There’s just not too much evidence of it. If either you or your partner has determined – multiple times! – that you’d be better off without each other, it would be hard to predict that one or both of you won’t draw that very same conclusion again once you’re married.
My client has a twenty year track record of ignoring these three things: getting pregnant and moving in together in the first year, breaking up multiple times, and ignoring the turmoil and infidelity for 5-10 years at a time without a ring.
I have the deepest sympathy for her. I also know that she needs support to break her patterns and get the relationship she deserves.
Once upon a time, I had a therapist client who told me she got more out of six months of coaching than 30 years of therapy. Her reasoning was that all of her therapists taught her to work harder on your relationship; I was the first person who told her that you shouldn’t have to work that hard.
I’m saying the same thing to you. If your life has been marked by staying too long in draining relationships, it’s not too late to get the love you deserve.
Book a time with me this week and I’ll show you how.
Love,
Evan
Learn more about coaching with me
Strap yourself in for a story. It happens to be about a man but, as you’ll see, it can just as easily apply to you.
Mike is in his mid-fifties. He’s cute, charming, and successful. A self-made millionaire. Extremely well-read. Interesting to talk to at parties. Loves dogs, travel, and kids.
Mike also came from a broken home and could be classified as an avoidant attachment style. As a result, his dating patterns are generally the OPPOSITE of whatever I coach.
Looking for a long-distance relationship? Check.
Sleeping with someone quickly? Check.
Committing too quickly? Check.
Moving in before a year? Check.
Mistaking chemistry for compatibility? Check.
Trying to fix anxious, jealous, emotionally immature women? Check.
Staying in unhealthy relationships for months or years too long? Check.
We can go on, but you get the idea. This is a great person, who, despite his positive traits, makes questionable choices in love. When we talk, I think of my definition of happiness: Happiness is when your goals and your actions are aligned.
Mike’s deep-seated beliefs (based on his experience) and his refusal to let go of being a biological dad leads him to the same issues, again and again.
His belief that there are few good women in his city lead him to date long-distance.
Mike invariably finds a woman in another city or country with whom he has great chemistry, and they dive into a relationship. He often ignores the inconvenient fact that an LDR requires extensive travel and, eventually, moving her into his place within the first six months to accelerate things and keep the connection alive.
His belief that he must have his own children leads him to date 15-20 years younger.
Mike is Generation X and generally down about younger women, thinking that they’re too into social media, drinking, and their careers. If he needs a younger woman but generally doesn’t like younger women, well, you can probably see the problem.
The internal contradiction of what he finds attractive leaves him alone.
Mike values looks, intelligence and sophistication above all. He dates hot, brilliant, and accomplished women who often have anxious attachment styles, jealousy issues, and volatile communication methods. Even though he wants a nurturing career woman, he refuses to date single moms of any age, despite the fact that mothers are often nurturing.
My simple solution for Mike: let go of having kids, date an attractive, successful, single mom between 45-55 who is mature, financially independent, and family oriented. Be happy for the rest of your life because you found an equal partner who “gets you.”
Does he listen? Nope. He wants what he wants. We all do.
Now you may be reading this and shaking your head in frustration. Please don’t. If anything, I’d like you to consider how much you may have in common with him.
Do you have a belief that there are few good men in your city that allows you to dive into instant relationships with long-distance guys based on chemistry?
Do you have a fixed belief about the type of man you need to be with? College educated? Makes more money? Over 5’10”? Similar hobbies and interests?
Do you have internal contradictions that make love improbable? A gorgeous guy who only has eyes for you? A wealthy guy who is home by 6 and doesn’t travel all the time? A brilliant guy who has a high EQ, listens to you, and values your opinions as much as his own?
It’s easy to judge Mike for his refusal to compromise – and it’s easy for you to project what you think he should compromise on. But what will you compromise on?
If you’ve struggled to find a healthy relationship and you don’t know the answer, click here to talk to me. Sometimes, we’re too close to be able to see the answers in front of us.
Love,
Evan
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You’ve put a lot of thought into why you’re still single. The answers are rote by now.
All the good ones are taken. Men don’t want women their own age. Dating apps are demoralizing. There’s no one attractive in your area. It’s hard to find someone at your level.
These limiting beliefs are all partially true, which is why it’s so easy to retreat to them. The problem, of course, is that SOMEONE is dating online successfully, SOMEONE is finding a man she respects in her city, SOMEONE is getting married this coming weekend.
And it’s not just women who are younger, thinner, or more impressive. It’s women like you. As a dating coach, I’m always looking for ideas that can give you an aha moment, jolt you out of your patterns, and get you to see your romantic situation through a different lens.
Which is why I got excited when I was walking my dog and listening to my friend, Rachel Greenwald get interviewed by my friend, Chip Conley on his Midlife Chrysalis Podcast.
Rachel is a high-end matchmaker who works primarily with successful men. Chip is the founder of Modern Elder Academy and was a guest on my podcast last year.
Anyway, Rachel was explaining her intake process, which is not dissimilar from my own. In it, she asks women to fill out a short questionnaire. One of the questions she asks is: “What are you looking for in a partner?” It sounds like a simple and benign question, and, indeed, for most women, it requires very little thought:
“Six feet tall, handsome, college educated, makes more money than I do, shares the same hobbies religion and politics, and has the same interest in family as I do.”
There are variations on this, of course, but you don’t have to be a dating coach to recognize that when you ask most women what they’re looking for, it’ll sound a lot like that. Naturally. That’s what you’re attracted to. That’s what you’ve been searching for online.
Then, a week later, when Rachel finally gets on Zoom with them, she asks a slightly different series of questions:
“Who makes you happiest when you’re with them? When you have a bad day and there’s only one person you turn to, who is that? Who brings out the best in you?”
The answer to this is often your Mom, your sister, or your best friend from college. Why? Because she accepts you. She doesn’t judge you. She sees you as the best version of you. You can relax around her. You can let down your guard around her. You can be yourself and never worry that she’s going to judge you or abandon you.
Once Rachel establishes the person who provides the most unconditional love, she goes back to the original list of what you’re looking for in a partner: height, weight, age, education, income, etc.
She points out that the gap between those two lists is what’s keeping you single.
The person who makes you happiest is the person who accepts you in full.
The person you’re trying to date is the person who impresses you the most.
It’s not about “settling” or giving up on traits you’re attracted to, but it’s DEFINITELY about paying closer attention to how your boyfriend makes you FEEL.
And if that sounds familiar, it’s because it’s just another way of arriving at the same conclusion that I’ve been talking about in this newsletter for years.
Now here’s the hard part:
There’s understanding what Rachel said and there’s LIVING it.
You’re smart. I know you understand that trying to date a man who is just like you (but better!) and doesn’t have any of your flaws is not realistic. I know you understand that just because you have chemistry doesn’t mean you’ll have long-term compatibility.
The real question is this: if you understand all of this, how come you’re still single?
THAT is the single biggest question most of my clients have.
THAT is what we answer together when I’m your coach.
It’s not just shining the light in your blind spots, it’s about giving you structure, action steps, and accountability while you’re dating, until you meet the right guy.
You’re never more dateable than when you’re feeling good about yourself outside of love. If you have a great life and no one to share it with, I’m excited to hear from you.
Love,
Evan
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A student journalist reached out to me for an interview last week. Her thesis: everything sucks. Men. Porn. AI. Dating apps. She wanted my thoughts to validate her story. What I offered was something quite different: I acknowledged her experience and challenged her to consider a different point of view. We ended up speaking for a half hour about not falling prey to the dominant narrative – not because it doesn’t have a basis in truth – but because it’s never the entire truth. And once you give in to the “all is lost” worldview, indeed, you’ll live your life as if all is lost.
I wrote the below piece in September after a series of articles that reinforced the premise that marriage is dead and men are the reason. I eagerly submitted it to the New York Times, The Atlantic, The Washington Post, The Wall St. Journal, and The Free Press. All passed, as is their right.
Today, I wanted to share it with you – if only to give a few thousand readers a dose of optimism that I think we need. Thank you for reading. I look forward to your thoughts.
In Defense of Love by Evan Marc Katz
Earlier this summer, readers were told by the New York Times that men have ‘disappeared,’ that women are weary of ‘mankeeping,’ and that wanting them is ‘trouble.’ The message, echoed across widely shared essays, is unmistakable: heterosexual relationships are doomed, and men are largely to blame.
After 22 years of coaching smart, successful women through the dating landscape, I can acknowledge the truth behind the critiques. Men are struggling socially and economically. Women are frustrated with their options. Dating apps have exacerbated the problem, amplifying the worst behavior. For those who’ve endured verbal abuse, stalking, or violence, it makes sense to view men with suspicion. Yet this growing chorus of hetero-pessimism leaves out something important: despite it all, most of us are happier when we’re in love than when we’re alone.
While men are not all broken, the system itself may be. Technology has stripped away human connection, the very thing that once made relationships feel intentional. The result is a single population – women and men alike – who feel unseen, unsafe, and easily discarded.
It’s no wonder that many have embraced what I call Safe Solitude. If all your previous relationships ended in disappointment, being alone may feel like the only sane option. After years of dating anxiety or a painful divorce, women often tell me they finally feel like themselves again now that they’re single. They have work, friends, family, hobbies, pets, and travel. They may want a partner but they don’t need a partner. For those women, Safe Solitude feels like freedom and protection.
Yet this freedom comes at a cost. By never allowing anyone in, no one can ever hurt you. But no one can fully love you either. The very strategy that keeps pain at bay also blocks the possibility of support and companionship.
This is the crux of hetero-optimism: believing in love, even when painful experience tells you otherwise. To those who’ve repeatedly chosen the wrong partners, optimism feels naïve, even dangerous. Yet, in truth, it’s the opposite. Hetero-optimism is a strategic stance rooted in data and human history.
Study after study shows that people in healthy long-term relationships are happier than their single peers. The Harvard Study of Adult Development – the longest-running longitudinal study of its kind – concludes that “good relationships keep us happier and healthier.” Arthur C. Brooks, drawing on decades of evidence, puts it plainly: “Happiness is love. Full stop.” The Atlantic recently reported that “married men and women ages 25 to 55 are more than twice as likely to be ‘very happy’ with life as their nonmarried peers.”
Hetero-pessimists are quick to point to competing research showing that single women are happier than unhappily married women. That has been true in the past but it’s also a false binary. It leaves out tens of millions of couples who find fulfillment in strong, supportive marriages. A good partnership raises the ceiling on human happiness in ways that friendships, however deep, rarely do. This is why so many of my high-achieving clients, despite their close friendships, often feel lonely and exhausted. They’ve spent their lives taking care of their kids, their exes, and their aging parents. They want someone to finally take care of them.
The good news is that men are more capable of doing that than ever before. Today’s partners are, on average, more emotionally available and invested in couplehood than their fathers and grandfathers were. While we haven’t fully closed the wage gap or the household labor gap, progress is undeniable. As psychologist Eli Finkel, author of The All or Nothing Marriage, has observed: “The average marriage is in decline but the best marriages may be the best we’ve ever seen.” More fulfilling. More egalitarian. More self-actualizing.
Although there are valid reasons to be cynical, cynicism isn’t empowering – in politics, in climate change, or in love. Cynicism ultimately leads to retreat: into fear, suspicion, and self-protection. That may feel safe, but it comes at too high a cost to a society that desperately needs more connection.
I’d like to suggest a new narrative, one that validates pain but still points to possibility; one that acknowledges technology has made dating more difficult, but insists that love is still worth fighting for. As a happily married man for 17 years, my work as a dating coach isn’t about selling fairy tales. It’s about reminding people of a truth that pessimism obscures: human beings are wired for connection, and despite the messiness of relationships, most of us are still better off with love in our lives.
If, after reading this, you decide solitude is your path, I respect that choice. But imagine you could have a partner who loves you unconditionally and puts your needs first. A partner who makes you coffee in the morning, takes you hiking in the afternoon, and makes love to you before bed. Imagine you’re with that person until you’re the 90-year-old couple holding hands in the park, deeply content with the life you’ve built.
Virtually nobody says no to that offer. And that should tell us something: while hetero-fatalism may feel safe, hetero-optimism – or simply believing in love – is the only stance that makes lasting love possible.
Love,
Evan
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I did a speaking engagement this year for Tiger21, a network of ultra high net worth people. One of those women, Laura, is my client and a spectacular human being. Whip smart. Well traveled. Great sense of humor. We have a fantastic relationship. What we don’t have – as of yet – are tangible results from our work.
Don’t get me wrong: if you ask Laura whether she’s enjoying dating coaching, the answer is a resounding yes. She’s engaged in the process, asks important questions, and is gracious when she receives responses that challenge her. In fact, that’s why I’m sharing this story.
Because Laura just learned this week that she’s not succeeding because of how her life is built. It may not be her fault, but building a life like this is very much a choice.
One week you’re at home in Houston. The next week, you’re at your second home in Jackson Hole. After returning home to Houston, you head to Paris for two weeks.
It’s not an attack to point out that if Laura’s gone 4 out of 5 weeks, her relationship will likely suffer. It’s not an attack on Laura to point out that if the men she dates are ALSO mega-rich and mega-busy, her relationship will suffer. These are not value judgments; these are observations.
Laura invested a lot of money in working with me and wants to get a return on her investment. The issue is that the choices she makes are the OPPOSITE of a woman who wants to find a partner.
- Instead of getting online every day, she gets online occasionally.
- Instead of responding to texts immediately, she gets to them when she gets a chance.
- Instead of slowing down to see who is worthy of her attention, she sleeps with cute guys on the second date.
- Instead of dating multiple men to evaluate who is boyfriend material, she focuses on whatever rich, exciting out-of-town guy sweeps her off her feet.
These aren’t hypotheticals. This is an accurate descriptor of Laura’s love life since her divorce: a series of long-distance relationships with wealthy, busy men. By the way, these men LOVE this arrangement. Long distance is perfect for a man who doesn’t want a full integrated partnership.
He can text from wherever he’s traveling. He can get a dose of fun, flirty, feminine energy. He can lead his best life – training for a triathlon, visiting his adult kids, doing business in Asia – and claim to be a devoted boyfriend. I’m not suggesting these are “bad” men. I am suggesting that they’re avoidant attachment style guys who claim to want intimacy but always put work, travel, and hobbies first. Quality time is not their love language. Such men are enticing because of the smart/cute/rich thing but they always disappoint. They may be exciting when you’re together. But 90% of the time, you’re not together.
Now factor in that Laura is the exact same as the men she chooses. No wonder it’s so hard for her to find a relationship that lasts. Everyone swears they want love; everyone’s actions tell a different story. As a dating coach for smart, successful women, I’m not here to shame my own clients, but I would be remiss if I didn’t point out a flaw in their logic.
I once had a client who told me she was moving to Thailand while we were working together. She was thrilled at the opportunity to live in another new culture. I think it’s super cool, too! The problem is that this runs directly in opposition to finding love. Either she has to find a guy in Thailand who will return to the US with her OR find a man in the US who is content having a girlfriend in Thailand. Neither of those seem particularly likely. But she wasn’t calculating that when she took the job offer.
Work comes first. Love comes second. Always.
Laura was somewhere between astonished and amused to hear this on our last call. Because while it’s not my place to tell a woman with the freedom to travel to change her life, it IS my place to point out that most successful, relationship oriented men are not likely to have her same freedom. Maybe he has a medical practice or law firm. Maybe he has kids and grandkids. Maybe he has a home he loves and is actively involved in his community.
So Laura has two choices: keep searching for a multi millionaire in another state who will drop his work/travel routine for her OR allocate more time to finding a local relationship-oriented man. As of this moment, she doesn’t know what she’s going to do.
From my perspective, Laura is a “10” who is only around 25% of the time. Most high-value men would prefer to date a “7” as long as she’s around 90% of the time.
Your time is the greatest gift you can give to a man. If neither of you has time for each other, it should be no surprise that your relationships have been suffering.
Love,
Evan
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This is a story about me and my wife. While you’re reading it, I’d like you to decide whether you’re more like her or like me.
I’m a maximizer. That’s someone who could have 90% of what he’s looking for but remains dissatisfied because he wants 95%. As a maximizer, not only is it important for me to live up to my potential, but it’s important to continually learn and improve. While reading and personal growth may make me smarter, they also make me more opinionated. Because I like to share my opinions, I’m more likely to find differences with others. And because I’m more likely to find differences with others, I’m more likely to be single. That’s why I went on 300 dates over 10 years. I was looking for someone who was a lot like me, but better: smarter, cooler, funnier, more cultured. Maximizers are known to aim higher and achieve more, but they’re not as happy because they focus on what’s wrong instead of what’s right.
My wife is a satisficer – someone who is generally content with life. She had the same job for 16 years before we had kids. She has barely done therapy because she doesn’t have much anxiety or complaints about the world. She enjoys things like sitcom reruns, Dave Matthews Band, mac and cheese, and extra sweet cocktails. As a 55-year-old middle of the road suburban mom, she likes everybody and everybody likes her. Her superpower is her ability to see all sides of a situation and not to overreact to things. For this reason, she was a serial monogamist who could always find another guy to love after 1 or 2 months between relationships. If I passed away, I would expect my wife to find another guy pretty quickly.
I intentionally painted a stark picture of our differences. On one hand, you have a guy who is perpetually discontent and aims to create the change he wants to see in himself and the world. On the other, you have a woman who doesn’t complain, doesn’t make waves, sees the good in everyone, and has that positive worldview reflected back to her.
I think it’s patently obvious that, between the two of us, my wife is the Type-O partner. Like the universal blood type, you can give her to anyone and he would probably be happy. As for me, because I’m a little edgier, more opinionated, and critical, it’s going to be a LOT harder for me to find a compatible partner.
Since I don’t believe you can (or should) change your personality, it’s important to see your own limitations. If you’re another Type-O person who easily blends into other people’s world, your dating options are numerous; if anything, you might want to be MORE selective in how you choose your partner.
But if you’re a maximizer like me, you might want to adopt some of my wife’s tendencies. This is not settling; this is wisdom. Once I became less critical and more agreeable, I got happily married. I believe you can, too.
Remember: no woman is for everyone but EVERY woman is for someone.
Click here to find your person, no matter what your personality.
Love,
Evan
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There’s a lot of debate about nature vs. nurture. Dr. Robert Sapolsky wrote the definitive book on this subject and concluded, quite predictably, that it’s about a 50/50 proposition.
Does it help to read to your kids at night? Sure. But if your kid is born dyslexic, reading may remain a lifetime challenge, no matter how dedicated you are as a parent.
Same with musical talent. There are some 7-year-olds you can see on America’s Got Talent who are bound for Broadway. My kids had more confidence than raw singing ability, which is why their musical theater careers ended in middle school.
Same with athleticism. I spent thousands of hours playing basketball in high school. But as a 5’9” guy who couldn’t dribble or shoot well, I topped out as a backup on the JV team.
There is NOTHING controversial about this. People have limitations. Not everyone is meant to go to the Ivy League, American Idol, or the NBA.
Then why don’t we understand and accept that many people have limitations when it comes to forging healthy long-term relationships?
Why do we keep insisting that men can change, should change, will do the work, heal their trauma, go to couples counseling, and transform into great partners?
That’s like insisting that I just need a few more basketball lessons.
In other words, it’s bullshit and it needs to be called out as bullshit.
Our society spends WAY too much time on “why”.
- “Why would he sleep with me and have no interest in committing to me?”
- “Why does he cheat on me and gaslight me into acting like he doesn’t?”
- “Why does he act like a great guy 50% of the time but a jerk the other 50%?”
My answer: it doesn’t matter. It’s not your problem to solve. Whether it’s nature or nurture, you’re talking about a man who is objectively limited in his capacity to be a good partner.
I don’t care if he’s brilliant. I don’t care if he’s hardworking. I don’t care that he’s a good dad. He’s selfish. He’s emotionally unintelligent. He consistently makes you feel anxious. That’s all I need to know about whether you should stay with him.
Years ago, I had a client who was a therapist for over 30 years. She confessed that she got more out of coaching than a lifetime of therapy – for one reason. Therapists are told they can fix things. I was the first person to tell her that it’s not her job to fix men.
Some people are not academic, some people have no musical talent, some people are poor athletes, and some people are not adept at relationships. Instead of worrying about “why” and trying to coach them up, how about choosing men who know how to partner?
Love,
Evan
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Just about all of my clients did therapy before working with me. My guess is that you have, too. A great therapist is priceless and I think therapy is an invaluable framework to help you understand yourself.
Just this week, I learned about Harville Hendrix’s Imago Therapy and wanted to share a few highlights that may resonate.
Imago therapy addresses the pain of projection from a difficult parent by helping you recognize how childhood wounds unconsciously shape your adult relationships.
- In childhood, you form an unconscious image of familiar love based on your relationship with your caregivers, including both positive and negative traits.
- As an adult, you are drawn to partners who trigger familiar feelings from your childhood. If a parent was critical, distant, or controlling, you may find yourself repeatedly in relationships where you feel criticized, ignored, or controlled.
- This dynamic is a form of repetition compulsion, where your unconscious mind tries to heal old wounds by re-creating them with new partners.
This is a genius observation that validates what I’ve seen with my clients. Think about your most difficult parent or the dysfunctional dynamic you witnessed in your parents’ marriage. That is the basic template for what you see as “normal” in adult relationships.
This therapeutic insight does a great job of explaining why you are the way you are, and why you potentially gravitate to unhealthy partners who don’t feel safe.
It’s one thing to know the source of your anxious attachment style. It’s quite another to be able to make different choices moving forward. Remember, everyone who hires me has “done the work” and STILL doesn’t have a healthy relationship.
The reason coaching works well is that by providing support, structure, and accountability, you can let go of your past and create a bright new future.
I have gone to therapy, I have coached therapists, and if you have someone amazing in your corner, I want to encourage you to continue. Just know that even an amazing therapist has limitations and can’t expertly guide you through the process of dating and choosing a life partner.
If you have a great understanding of what went wrong in your past, but don’t quite know how to translate that into an effective action plan that gets you a lasting love, click here to book a time to talk with me.
I can’t wait to learn more about you.
Love,
Evan
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Let’s acknowledge why dating is the last thing you want to do:
- Online dating apps are flawed.
- 90% of the male population isn’t up to your standards.
- You get connection from your friends, joy from your hobbies, money from your work.
- Every relationship you’ve ever had ultimately ended.
Armed with that information, it’s rational to conclude that you don’t want to date anymore.
So you give up on dating. Focus on yourself. “Do the work” of healing. Sink your time, energy, and money into self-care and travel.
At some point, you discover that while you HAVE enjoyed these things, two thoughts keep popping into your mind:
- I’m lonely and wish I had someone to share this all with.
- I see other women with loving partners and I can’t help but wonder: why not me?
But you KNOW the answer to the question “why not me?” After a series of bad dates and dead-end relationships, you STOPPED DATING, hoping it would happen in real life.
And it hasn’t. And it won’t. And I’m saying this because I just enrolled a 68-year-old woman in coaching who has been on my mailing list since she was 51.
It only took 17 years of being alone and dating ineffectively to get her to reach out.
Listen, I understand that dating and relationships have caused pain – and it’s human nature to do things to avoid pain. But it’s also human nature to do things to seek pleasure.
When you’re overweight, it’s painful to diet and work out – but it’s the surest path to weight loss, energy, confidence and a long-term healthy life.
When you’re unemployed, it’s painful to rewrite your resume, hustle, and look for a new position – but it’s the surest path to more money, stability, and job satisfaction.
When you’re single, it’s painful to date – especially if you’re dating the same way you always have: randomly swiping and texting men, going on blind first dates, hooking up with cute guys and keeping your fingers crossed that they’re good people.
But there is no shortcut to lasting love. There’s only your desire and your effort. Same as dieting. Same as job hunting. Those who embrace it are the ones who achieve their goal of finding a partner who loves them unconditionally and takes care of them every day.
Your happiness is in your hands.
Just reach out and I’ll show you the way.
Love,
Evan
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One of the biggest problems women face in love is that you don’t trust your judgment. After decades of subpar relationships, that makes sense. If every man you’ve ever dated didn’t work out, why would you think that the next one would be any different? These repeated relationship failures lead you to a state of despair, powerlessness, and paralysis. That’s when women generally reach out to me.
And even though every woman who hires me has the same goal – to find a happy, healthy, long-term relationship, the truth is: my goal is different. More empowering. Longer-lasting. While your goal is to meet a man ASAP so you never have to go on another date for the rest of your life, my goal is to give you the ability to trust your own judgment in love.
As a parent, it’s the difference between giving your kid a job and giving her the creativity and resilience to choose a career that is aligned with their goals.
I love saying that I have more success stories than most matchmakers, even though I’ve never made an introduction in my entire career. Why? Because matchmakers catch you a fish; dating coaches teach you HOW to fish. All of my success stories are from women who learned the skill of dating and relationships and report back to me years later.
This week’s story is from a current client who was a people-pleaser stuck in an abusive 25 year marriage and was petrified of the prospects of online dating.
While it took Randi 3 months to get up the nerve to set up her daily online dating practices, from our coaching calls, she absorbed the lessons of Love U: being the CEO of your own love life, assuming the answer is yes, listening to your feelings, setting healthy boundaries.
Here’s what Randi said after a guy flaked on a scheduled phone call for a second time and she texted him back, cutting him loose and wishing him well:
I never write to someone like I did here. I generally just move on. But as my confidence grows and as I take things much less personally, I see myself acting differently. I’m glad I gave him a second chance and saw things through.
Since opening my profile, I have had a date every weekend. 5 total! And two last weekend. Two 2nd dates that have since fizzled out and one first date last Sunday where there was no chemistry at all. We shared a great meal and he seemed like a good man, but at one point during the date I wished I could get up and leave because I was so bored. Before the date ended he asked me point blank if I would want to see him again. I told him that I was unsure and would need to think about it. He then said, “Well can I tell you how I feel about you?” I braced myself for the worst but he went on to tell me how honored he’d be to have me on his arm, that he thought I was beautiful inside and out and very intelligent too. After he walked me to my car I gave him a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek.
I texted him the next day and thanked him for a lovely date, told him the food was delicious, but that I didn’t feel the connection I wanted/needed.
He took it very well. And I am now talking to 5 or 6 new men. I would not be surprised if one turns into a date. We shall see. I am so enjoying spending so much time with nice men and growing and learning. With each date my confidence, self-knowledge, and understanding of men continues to grow. I have a lot of compassion for them while keeping my wants and needs front and center. What’s working for me now is using 3 apps simultaneously. Doing so helps me keep up to 10 men in the funnel at any given time.
I look forward to our next one on one coaching session.
Randi
Does this sound like a woman who is afraid of online dating? Who sees the worst in the opposite sex? Who’s skeptical that there are quality guys ? Who is pessimistic about love?
No. No. No. And no.
Although Randi does not have a boyfriend, she is embodying the traits of a woman who will soon find a partner. She’s warm, confident, enthusiastic, curious, optimistic, and, most importantly: SHE TRUSTS HER JUDGMENT!
I know there’s the temptation to skip dating and keep your fingers crossed that you’ll meet someone in real life. That strategy – while common – doesn’t work well.
If you want to learn to date with joy, confidence, and optimism – and, in turn, attract the best in men, click here to talk with me.
Soon, you’ll sound a lot like Randi – playful, empowered, and on her way to lasting love.
XO,
Evan
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I’ve helped hundreds of women find love and get married. Yet, until Saturday, I’d only been to ONE client’s wedding before. Wait: how is that even possible?
- My clients usually get married 3+ years after coaching. If clients hire me for six months, find a boyfriend, and adhere to my advice not to get married for at least 2 years, it’s generally going to be 3 years since we worked closely together.
- I’m married with children in Los Angeles – and my clients are elsewhere. Since I’d only attend a wedding with my wife, I can’t justify calling the in-laws in San Diego and asking them to watch our kids while we head to Minnesota or Australia or Ibiza – all real locations where I was invited to weddings.
- My clients don’t want to admit to everyone they know – much less their new husband – that they had a dating coach. I completely understand this, which is why I never take it personally when I’m not invited.
But this is also why I take it VERY seriously when I’m invited to a wedding. It says that my client is not only comfortable in her own skin but she wants me to share in her glory.
Saturday night, Rhoda allowed me to share in her glory. Here’s what you should know about her before I share a short video from her wedding.
- She had the roughest upbringing of any client I’ve ever coached. Her childhood trauma led her into two bad marriages in her 30s and 40s, after which she gave up on love for a decade to focus on her career, her friendships and her spirituality.
- She reached out to me in 2021 when she was in a good place personally but realized she was missing out on the love that so many of her close married friends had.
- She said during our initial conversation that she felt “like a little kid starting over. I don’t want to perpetuate bad patterns. But I have no idea how to do this.”
Fast forward to the end of coaching in 2022: “Thank you for everything, truly. You’ve helped me more than any therapist ever has and I feel better all the time. Your belief in me brought down so many of my walls, and I became primed to meet a lifetime partner. You are very rare, and among the biggest mensches I have ever known.” If you’re Jewish, there’s no bigger compliment than to be called a mensch!
Six months later, I received this: “Evan, I can’t believe how much I learned from you. I am a different dater. Calm, confident, real, fun, full of life, not a great flirt but definitely better, empathic, sensitive to him while keeping my sense of self and more. He is Jewish, lives in the Palisades, wife died 15 months ago, he found me on Match. He took care of her alone when she was sick with cancer. He is wicked smart, very kind, asks q’s, generous. If it goes somewhere or nowhere, I now know that I can do it, I can get myself into a good relationship with a kind guy. “
This language of hope and empowerment is a coach’s dream and if that was the last I heard from Rhoda, I’d have been thrilled with her progress. But here she was, 2 ½ years later, after her wedding in Beverly Hills.
When I mentioned her comfort in sharing the glory, Rhoda had my wife and I sit at her table even though I’d never even met her in person before! Each time I met a guest, they’d already heard about me and thanked me for helping their dear friend find love.
I share this with you because the only thing unusual about Rhoda’s story is that she chose to tell everyone about us. Overcoming bad relationships, gaining confidence, and finding a great guy? That’s what I expect for all of my clients.
I don’t expect an invitation to your wedding but if you are in your 50’s or 60’s and have felt that love wasn’t in the cards, I hope Rhoda convinces you otherwise.
Click here to get what Rhoda got – happy!
Love,
Evan
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Taylor Swift announced her engagement and proclaimed that she was the “English teacher” marrying the “gym teacher.” There were a variety of takes on this. “Why does Taylor think she’s so smart?” “Why is she dating a guy who isn’t as intellectually stimulating?” There were even some “Thank god there are men who are not intimidated by smart, successful women” pieces. I’ve been saying that for years!
However, the take that struck me most was written on Substack by a woman who calls herself Kryptogal. She posits something insightful; as attractive as it is to find someone who is just like you but better (smarter, richer, funnier, etc), all relationships need polarity. Two intellectuals, just like two Type A people, or two artists, are not a healthy long-term pairing.
But when you’re the type of person who’s more entertained by what’s in your own head than you are by the real world around you, you can create a real little built-just-for-two bubble world of your own making, in your heads. Which is amazing for a while. But…one day one or both of you will become bored after you’ve heard everything the other has to say and have thoroughly plumbed the depths of their mind. When you become bored you will either retreat back into your own mind again, or become fascinated with someone else’s and start resenting the one you’re with. And then it falls apart, because your fellow intellectual is not going to fight to save the relationship the way a less obsessed with their own mind person would. They’ll be too busy being fascinated by their own experience and narrative of the whole tragedy.
Because someone has to be the reliable, dependable, made of earth and fire and not air and water one. The one who pays attention to the day to day and isn’t always caught up in the ideas in their head. The one with their feet on the ground while they hold on to your ankles as you start flying off into the atmosphere, because your head is full of weightless gases. The one who stays focused on the more animal and physical while you’re off in the metaphysical. You get my drift.
Anyway, just because someone isn’t as intellectual doesn’t mean they’re dumb. It doesn’t mean they don’t read. It doesn’t mean they can’t discuss interesting things. It’s more like a personality trait, a temperament. The real NT types are prone to just…literally disappearing from the room (mentally if not physically) and being gone in their own mind for weeks or years on end, if someone doesn’t forcibly stop them. A fellow intellect doesn’t have that level of fight. They’ll float off too.
And complementary temperaments are a good thing. Besides, you don’t need to have all those conversations with your spouse, it’s literally the most easily outsourced part of your relationship! I mean come on, isn’t that what Substack is for?? 😉
Not so easy to outsource sexual chemistry or domestic or financial or caretaking matters.
I shared this in my Love U Facebook group and got pushback from the intellectuals who took this personally. But I didn’t because it rang true for me. I’m the guy who writes books, has deep conversations for a living, and reads the New York Times and Atlantic for two hours each day. My wife is the grounded one. Less in her head. Less anxious. Less concerned with big ideas and big achievements. This is a compliment, not an insult.
Here’s our relationship dynamic in one short story:
When we were first dating, my wife was complaining about her boss, as one does after 13 years at one company. In my well-intentioned but mansplaining way, I encouraged her to quit her job and take a Landmark Education seminar to shift her belief so that she could run her own company. You know what she told me?
“Evan, I love you and I know you’re trying to help. But you do all this personal growth and therapy and journaling and, you know what? I’m happier than you. So shut the fuck up.”
I don’t know if she said the last part. But that’s the way I remember it. It was a drop-the-mic, knockout line that I never forgot. She was right. My wife’s a happier person than I am and while she may not be as into Oscar dramas and self-help books, I can assure you, that’s not what makes for a happy marriage.
I get why – as a smart, successful woman – you may find it challenging to let go of the man in the 99th percentile of intelligence. But those brilliant guys have their own set of problems – as you know from dating them a few times before. Ultimately, balance makes relationships work. Perhaps that’s something worth considering when you meet someone warm, funny, kind, and attractive, who may not have a fancy degree or big bookshelf.
Love,
Evan
Date with joy and confidence
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The other day, I mentioned a few dozen women who started coaching and found long-term partners and husbands who are still making them happy every day.
Shortly thereafter, I had a conversation with Penelope, a private client in her sixties who is struggling to find time for love. While she enjoys the group coaching sessions and finds the success stories inspirational, she isn’t actually dating. Although she knows that’s not ideal, she told me that there are three projects that always seem more pressing:
A backyard landscape renovation
Two adult kids who are currently at home
Enlightenment through plant medicine and meditation
Oh, by the way, Penelope is also a practicing doctor!
So, let’s not minimize Penelope’s dilemma. She IS busy. She DOES have obligations. But more importantly, she’s making choices that involve tradeoffs.
And it just so happens that all of her choices (besides hiring a coach) involve doing something OTHER than dating. That’s no surprise. A new backyard, time with her kids, and the promise of inner peace all, theoretically, should bring her joy.
The problem is that she’s stuck in her OLD model that dating/relationships/men bring PAIN. Well, if that’s the way she sees it, of COURSE she’d rather focus on her ferns than her dating profile. To her credit, she laughed and acknowledged my point.
Penelope finds dating so scary and overwhelming, she doesn’t know where to begin.
This is where we had a mini-breakthrough.
Instead of being petrified at getting attached to a guy, being stuck as a people pleaser, or settling in a bad relationship, Penelope broke her dating process into smaller actions.
Week 1: call my stylist friend to help her buy a few date night outfits
Week 2: book a time with a local photographer and start her e-Cyrano questionnaire
Week 3: finish her questionnaire and have a professional write her profile.
Week 4: watch Love U content about online dating and activate her Match profile.
Week 5: talk to me about all the responses that are now rolling in.
I hope you can see why this is a smart, systematic approach that removes Penelope’s fear and paralysis – and doesn’t ask her to abandon her other important projects.
You’re not going on a 24/7 husband hunt; you’re taking small, decisive actions that lead you to have an active love life. That’s all.
In related news, I got hired by Vanessa to help her find love in 2021. She, too, was a busy doctor, in the middle of renovating an apartment, running for the board of her co-op, and getting another medical certification, all while doing hot yoga 3x/week.
Here she is now:
The other day, I mentioned a few dozen women who started coaching and found long-term partners and husbands who are still making them happy every day.
Shortly thereafter, I had a conversation with Penelope, a private client in her sixties who is struggling to find time for love. While she enjoys the group coaching sessions and finds the success stories inspirational, she isn’t actually dating. Although she knows that’s not ideal, she told me that there are three projects that always seem more pressing:
A backyard landscape renovation
Two adult kids who are currently at home
Enlightenment through plant medicine and meditation
Oh, by the way, Penelope is also a practicing doctor!
So, let’s not minimize Penelope’s dilemma. She IS busy. She DOES have obligations. But more importantly, she’s making choices that involve tradeoffs.
And it just so happens that all of her choices (besides hiring a coach) involve doing something OTHER than dating. That’s no surprise. A new backyard, time with her kids, and the promise of inner peace all, theoretically, should bring her joy.
The problem is that she’s stuck in her OLD model that dating/relationships/men bring PAIN. Well, if that’s the way she sees it, of COURSE she’d rather focus on her ferns than her dating profile. To her credit, she laughed and acknowledged my point.
Penelope finds dating so scary and overwhelming, she doesn’t know where to begin.
This is where we had a mini-breakthrough.
Instead of being petrified at getting attached to a guy, being stuck as a people pleaser, or settling in a bad relationship, Penelope broke her dating process into smaller actions.
Week 1: call my stylist friend to help her buy a few date night outfits
Week 2: book a time with a local photographer and start her e-Cyrano questionnaire
Week 3: finish her questionnaire and have a professional write her profile.
Week 4: watch Love U content about online dating and activate her Match profile.
Week 5: talk to me about all the responses that are now rolling in.
I hope you can see why this is a smart, systematic approach that removes Penelope’s fear and paralysis – and doesn’t ask her to abandon her other important projects.
You’re not going on a 24/7 husband hunt; you’re taking small, decisive actions that lead you to have an active love life. That’s all.
In related news, I got hired by Vanessa to help her find love in 2021. She, too, was a busy doctor, in the middle of renovating an apartment, running for the board of her co-op, and getting another medical certification, all while doing hot yoga 3x/week.
Here she is now:
Those aren’t her children. That’s her boyfriend and his family that’s embraced her.
Whatever excuse you have for not dating may be valid, but that doesn’t mean there’s no room for love in your life.
Click here to make it happen.
Love,
Evan
Raise your relationship standardsDiscover why men disappearLearn more about Love U Live Coaching
If you don’t know anyone from Long Island, the first thing you need to know is that all locals are indoctrinated to love Billy Joel. When classic rock stations in New York would do their Top 500 countdowns on Labor Day, there’d always be 10 Billy Joel songs beating out classics by Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones.
Well, after watching the 5-hr Billy Joel documentary on HBO Max, I took a second to reflect on why he means so much to me – and, in turn, what he can teach you.
- It’s hard to escape your past. Billy Joel’s father was a Holocaust survivor who moved back to Europe when Billy was 8. Billy’s entire career is about proving himself to his distant father, and everything else – including love – became secondary.
- Bright, passionate, self-made millionaires tend to work a lot, travel a lot, do not like being told what to do, and do not like compromising. Despite their charisma, they’re rarely great partners because their needs always come first.
- We all come back to love. There’s a reason Billy Joel has written so beautifully about love, why he’s gotten married four times, and why, in his 70’s, he seems to have finally figured out what’s most important in life.
Finally, as a die-hard Billy Joel fan, I want to share the lyrics to one of his most profound songs. Read them closely and you’ll understand exactly how this pertains to you.
An Innocent Man, by Billy Joel, copyright 1983
Some people stay far away from the door
If there’s a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by
Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie
I know you’re only protecting yourself
I know you’re thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you
But I’m not above
Making up for the love
You’ve been denying you could ever feel
I’m not above doing anything
To restore your faith if I can
Some people see through the eyes of the old
Before they ever get a look at the young
I’m only willing to hear you cry
Because I am an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
Some people say they will never believe
Another promise they hear in the dark
Because they only remember too well
They heard somebody tell them before
Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed
Some people find that it’s easier to hate
Than to wait anymore
I know you don’t want to hear what I say
I know you’re gonna keep turning away
But I’ve been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I’m not above going through it again
I’m not above being cool for a while
If you’re cruel to me I’ll understand
Some people run from a possible fight
Some people figure they can never win
And although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man
You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you’d rather be a martyr tonight
That’s your decision
But I’m not below
Anybody I know
If there’s a chance of resurrecting a love
I’m not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began
Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I’m not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man
Yes, this is a song that was clearly written for a dating coach.
Every week, you tell me how hurt you are, how much you mistrust men, how there’s no point to online dating, and how there are no good ones left,
You’ve decided that you’d rather be alone than take a chance on a new man.
Even though you’re not satisfied being alone.
Even though the next guy you meet has nothing to do with the last one who hurt you.
Even though you know that everything I’m telling you about men is TRUE – that we want to take care of you, we want to be accepted, and we want to have the same fun, trust, passion and companionship that you do.
So every time you bristle against my advice, remember that I am an innocent man.
And so are all the good guys out there who have to fight against your defenses. Your fear. Your pain. Your lack of trust. Your emails about what’s wrong with men don’t hurt me. They just make me want to try harder to get through to you – to show you that there ARE men who can make you happy.
But you can’t meet them if you never go on any dates.
And you can’t meet them if you “hate” dating.
And you can’t connect with them if you’re emotionally guarded.
And you can’t sustain your relationship if you’re not trusting.
There’s a good chance your subconscious beliefs about men lead you to create a push-pull dynamic that undermines all your relationships.
Please, let me help you get over all the problems in your past, and forge a bright, new, powerful future in love.
Warmest wishes and all my love,
Your friend,
Evan
P.S. High-quality men don’t want perfection. They want emotional safety. (For real!) I’ll show you exactly how to create it — without losing yourself.
Save your seat now.
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The viral article of the week was called “The Trouble With Wanting Men.”
It’s a long and well-written piece about a straight woman who, like most single women, is frustrated with her inability to find a partner.
But if that’s all it was, it wouldn’t have gone viral. There have been way too many thinkpieces about what’s wrong with men, including another one in the New York Times last month that I haven’t even had an opportunity to write about yet.
What made this mini-novella so share-worthy is its lack of self-awareness. The author was married, “opened up” her relationship, fell in love with another man, expected that man to commit to her, and continues to hop into bed with men who aren’t committed to her.
And her big question is “what’s wrong with men?”
It’s so patronizing. It starts from the place that she’s right and everyone else is wrong, and can’t even conceive that she may be the common denominator in her frustrations.
She has henceforth coined the term “hetero-fatalism” to describe her plight.
Talk about a misdiagnosis.
“The men I want are not wanting me badly enough, not communicating with me clearly enough, not devoting themselves to me: All this certainly seems calamitous enough to warrant an “ism.” And if it is an “ism,” the problem cannot be me. It must be men, right? Men are what is rotten in the state of straightness, and why shouldn’t we have an all-inclusive byword for our various pessimisms about them?”
From her writing, the author is clearly brilliant, yet she doesn’t comprehend that a) lots of guys will sleep with you and not want a relationship, and b) there’s nothing wrong with a guy who sleeps with you and doesn’t want a relationship.
The only common denominator is that the author keeps sleeping with emotionally unavailable men and being surprised that they’re emotionally unavailable.
It doesn’t take a dating coach to point this out. If you check out the reader comments, you’ll see hundreds of strangers point out the exact same thing.
While I’m sympathetic to any woman who is struggling with the very real issues of the day: swiping, texting, infinite choice on dating apps, and the reality that 90% of men aren’t worthy, it still remains incumbent upon women to take responsibility for their choices.
- If you choose to open your marriage, you can’t be surprised you fell for someone else.
- If you left your marriage for another person in the poly community, you can’t be surprised that he doesn’t want to commit.
- If you’re attracted to and sleep with the type of man who is more interested in freedom than commitment, you can’t be surprised that it’s hard to find a partner.
Even more than her individual choices, the biggest takeaway I had was how “heterofatalism” is just a horrible life philosophy. In the author’s words:
“One thing heterofatalism reflects is a persistent lack of faith that those we desire will be able to recognize us as commensurately human.”
Wait, so if I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life with you – and by the way, this applied to 300 women before I met my wife – I don’t see you as HUMAN?
Can you see how such language turns men into soulless monsters instead of normal, human beings who ALSO have tortured relationships with their parents and exes and are ALSO confused about how much chemistry, compatibility and commitment they want?
Please, for your sake, stay away from any woman who thinks the worst of men – she may have her valid reasons for feeling that way – but she’s not going to be the role model you need to attract and connect with a quality, commitment-oriented man.
Love,
Evan
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Sharyn is a 53-year-old single mom who makes high-stakes decisions as an RN at a major hospital. She was brought up in a conservative Christian household where she was taught that her responsibility was to obey her husband’s wishes. And she did, for nearly 25 years.
Kelly is a 44-year-old without children who is an executive business coach for high-powered women. Her parents are still together in a miserable marriage that her Mom should have left over 40 years ago.
Jeannie is a 68-year-old who has made millions in real estate. She had a philandering father and a controlling and abusive ex-husband who refused to listen to her feelings or resolve conflict peacefully.
These women are assertive and confident at work, and paralyzed by insecurity, fear, and indecision when it comes to love.
My guess is that you share something in common with at least one of them.
You’re highly competent. You’re financially independent. You’ve accomplished almost all that you’ve set out to accomplish. But you have an iffy man-picker and you’ve struggled to set boundaries and break up with men who didn’t treat you well.
And now that you’re at a good place in your life, you’re wondering what’s next. It could be another European vacation. It could be another promotion. But generally, if you’re reading my words right now, it’s because you want a partner. And you don’t know where to begin.
Usually, it starts with admitting your feelings to yourself.
Today, I’d like you to do a short exercise with me and focus on WHY you want a partner.
This is harder than it looks. Usually, women tell me WHAT they want: a best friend, lover, and partner in crime, who listens to them, travels with them and supports them emotionally, physically and financially. That’s not what I’m asking.
I’m asking you for a list of adjectives to describe the emotions you’ll feel when you get this person. Examples may include: happy, excited, relieved, joyous, proud, confident, relaxed, adored, cherished, desirable, worthy, calm, connected, fulfilled, complete, taken care of and my 3 favorites: safe, heard, and understood.
Now you can see the difference between searching for a tall, smart wealthy man with similar beliefs and hobbies and what you’re REALLY looking for: a man who makes you feel like the best version of yourself.
My job is to get you to listen to your feelings and trust your judgment with men.
Sharyn, Kelly and Jeannie did NOT before they met me. In fact, for decades, they ignored their feelings because that’s what they were taught in their childhoods.
Within months, they turned their love lives around. Now, they’re seeing good, relationship-oriented men and not only believe in love but more importantly, believe in themselves!
Click here if you want to be next.
I always believe in you.
Love,
Evan
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My wife has breast cancer.
Specifically, stage 2 triple-negative invasive ductal carcinoma, poorly differentiated, with focal possible metaplastic changes.
These are the things you learn about when someone you love gets cancer.
I considered doing a podcast to talk about this but since there’s a 100% chance of me crying, I’m sticking with what I’ve done for over 20 years: writing down my thoughts.
They’re a little jumbled right now, so I’m going to put them in a list instead of spending hours trying to make it flow into coherent paragraphs:
- Before this happened, my marriage was as good as it’s ever been. After nearly 17 years, we have great communication and understanding, we don’t try to change each other, we have tons of quality time together and with our kids, and I can’t even remember the last time we had anything resembling a fight.
- Both my Mom’s partner and my sister got Stage 1 breast cancer and went through radiation earlier this year, so we were pretty even-keeled after the initial diagnosis three weeks ago.
- The game changer was when we learned the results of the biopsy, which indicated that this is an aggressive form of cancer, which often leads to a double mastectomy.
- The kids have been surprisingly strong. This may be the first bad news they’ve ever gotten. I think the fact that my wife is a sunny person helps a lot.
- While I’m worried for my wife’s life, she seems more upset at other things: this is going to ruin our summer vacation, she will likely lose her hair before our son’s bar mitzvah in October, she really likes her breasts and does not want to lose them.
- My wife was very concerned about telling her inner circle before word got out. Evidently, one of the worst things would be if a friend heard through the grapevine without hearing it directly from her. I do not operate this way.
- I thought of not saying anything at all publicly until this was over. The reason I chose to post it on my private Facebook page is that we were looking for doctors to offer us second opinions, and we didn’t know any doctors.
- It was beautiful to see how many people wanted to help. People I met once twenty years ago. Friends from elementary school. Ex-girlfriends. Amazing.
- I started a Google Doc with over 50 cancer specialists in Los Angeles, some of whom were recommended by 6 or 7 women. It’s alarming how common breast cancer is. I’m already worried for my daughter.
- My inclination is to dedicate all my non-working time to this, which isn’t healthy, but it’s how I roll. My wife’s inclination is to pack in all the fun she can possibly have before the bad stuff happens. She hosted three parties in the past 10 days and we went wine tasting this past weekend. Combined, I think we have the right approach.
- The beginning of this journey is overwhelming. So many friends, so many opinions, so many doctors, so much terminology, so many contradictions, so little certainty.
- We’re both having trouble sleeping – both getting to sleep and staying asleep. The second we recognize we’re awake, the C-word comes roaring back into consciousness.
- A few people have asked me how I’m doing, which is unexpected, but nice.
- We can’t plan for anything. We don’t know how she’ll recover from surgery, what the analysis of the cancerous tissue will reveal, what kind of treatment is necessary, who is providing services, how we’re going to pay for it, whether more surgeries will be required, and how long this is going to play out.
- I’m a little afraid of what happens when my wife is in chemo and I have to take care of everything myself – not just paying the bills but driving the kids, buying food, cooking dinner, taking care of my wife’s needs. Happy marriage has spoiled me.
- Also: single parents have the toughest job in the world.
- We have a family saying: “It’s a bad day, not a bad life.” We are modifying that to read, “It’s gonna be a bad year, not a bad life.”
- While this is rough, we have a ton of support, and my wife and I remain in the luckiest 99th percentile of all people.
- We’re so grateful to have each other. We’re so grateful to have you.
- We’re gonna beat this thing!
Love,
Evan
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As a born-and-bred New Yorker, I take pride in the fact that my word means something.
That doesn’t mean that all New Yorkers are high-integrity, but it may mean that, on the whole, the culture of Los Angeles has long been more forgiving of flaky behavior.
It jolted me hard when I first moved here at age 24. Once, when a friend canceled plans with me on Friday night at 7pm just because “he wasn’t feeling like it,” I told him it wasn’t cool to leave me hanging with no plans. That was the last time he ever spoke to me.
Nearly 30 years have passed. I haven’t changed much. If I get invited to something, I say yes. If I say yes, I go to the event. I don’t double book. I don’t wait for something better to come along. I don’t make up an excuse on the day of the event if I don’t feel like it.
Honestly, I feel like a relic. The rest of the world has turned into Los Angeles.
Clients routinely cancel their calls at the last minute. Potential prospects no-show while I sit on Zoom for 10 minutes. Friends’ RSVPs are more of a suggestion than a declaration. Whether I like it or not, this behavior is ubiquitous. It’s up to ME to change.
For years, I fought that change – up until last week.
I had spoken with a potential client in spring who told me to circle back with her in summer. Instead of setting up another Zoom call, I offered to meet her in person.
Since I’m leaning into IRL interactions, it just felt right.
Sure enough, I got to Starbucks on time. I took a seat. I waited. I looked at my phone. I had confirmed the meeting the day before so I knew we were still on. Despite vast experience being stood up on Zoom, I had little experience being stood up IRL. After five minutes, I decided to call.
I got her on the first ring. She sounded surprised – and shaken. Turns out that the reason she didn’t remember our meeting was that she had to suddenly put her dog down. She was – in her words – an emotional wreck.
I shifted instantaneously from aggravated to deeply sympathetic. I’m a dog owner, a dog lover, and can easily get moved to tears. This poor woman just lost her beloved fur baby – the one constant in her life post-divorce. Of course she’s a mess.
Then it hit me: (belatedly, but still:)
Everybody’s got shit going on.
We don’t always know what it is but it’s always there.
And when I think my stuff is the most important thing in the world – my Zoom meeting, my party, my business deal – I’m failing to understand the totality of other people’s existence.
I’m not going to throw good manners to the wind. I still believe in commitment, communication, and integrity. But I just got a glimpse into my own blind spot and didn’t like what I saw – a man who forgot that everyone is doing the best he or she can.
Big takeaway: When people disappoint or disappear, it’s rarely about you. And your first step – before anything – should be to summon as much sympathy and understanding. One day, you’re going to want someone to have that sympathy and understanding for YOU.
Love,
Evan
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But he doesn’t know anything about her past relationships. He has little knowledge about her first husband, no clue about her former sexual partners, and only a partial picture of what led her to become the woman she is today.
To be fair, SHE doesn’t know anything about HIS previous relationships either. That’s their agreement – “we don’t talk about the past”- and, for 10 years, they’ve largely stuck to it.
I don’t get this at all.
As much as I respect everyone’s right to make her own choices – and I’m not so arrogant to think my marital dynamic is the only way to be happy – this level of secrecy within marriage would seem to create a weaker relationship.
Let’s take a step back to ask an unusual question: How do people get close?
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Chellie is 32 and has had a boyfriend for almost a year. The first 3 months were electric. But as time went on, her boyfriend became increasingly critical, selfish, and distant. They have great chemistry and have taken a few trips together, but he hasn’t said he loves her and never talks about their future. Chellie wants to know how to recapture the magic from the beginning of their relationship.
Faith is 41 and desperately wants biological children of her own. Her boyfriend of 7 years swears he loves her and also wants a family, but he lives in a different city and doesn’t have a sense of urgency about proposing. Faith is panicking about her fertility and wants to know what she can do to make her boyfriend step up to the plate.
Maddie is a 54-year-old, divorced, single mom who is insecure about relationships in general. Her boyfriend of 5 years is also divorced, admits he’s gunshy about commitment, and while he treats Maddie as his life partner, he’s mistrustful of the institution of marriage. Maddie wants to know how to improve her relationship so that he changes his mind.
You could say that these are sad stories – and you’d be right.
They’re also the most common stories I hear as a dating coach for women.
They beg the question: Why do women who have everything – looks, intelligence, success – accept relationships where they don’t feel secure?
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As a dating coach, I try to teach concepts that aren't blatantly obvious. Relationship advice for men tends to focus on building up attraction - how to make more money, how to have a better body, how to make the first move.
The reason I’m writing today is not that I have the one true insight that will magically heal the world, but, rather, for the opposite reason: because this is a time for humility and empathy. And, in my opinion, those are two qualities that are at an all-time low.
Until you learn how to have calm but difficult discussions designed to solve problems (instead of pointing fingers), you will struggle in relationships - either because you feel like a doormat or because your partner feels you're a selfish bully.
In theory, there shouldn’t be any secrets between spouses. In theory, you should be able to bare your soul and know that you’ll be accepted and loved unconditionally, no matter what lurks in your past.
When my wife's first husband cheated on her, her mantra was "Everybody cheats, nobody's happy." That's not true, but if you have a faulty man-picker and surround yourself with similar friends, it may be hard to believe.
Loneliness is an epidemic. The least we can do is acknowledge that and try to treat it.
There are many places one can get dating advice. I'm more in the habit of giving than receiving so I wasn't remotely aware of the size of the Reddit relationship advice community until I read this piece.
I'm really proud of the 135,000 comments on this blog and the laissez-faire moderation I do (deleting personal insults, allowing just about all other topic-related commentary) and yet our regular commenters still come to defend their worldview but rarely acknowledge learning something valid about someone else's experience.
You can scour 1000 blog posts that I've written to basically figure out how to become more confident, communicate effectively and make healthier long-term relationship choices, but if you're not actually in a happy, long-term relationship right now, you can see the massive difference between knowing and doing.
It's an easy angle. After all, men DO say they want "no drama" relationships three times more than women. And, obviously, there is no such thing as a "perfect" relationship where two people agree all the time. So isn't the author "right" about men and their foolish fantasies.
In this case, the consequence is that people conduct entire relationships via text - and, objectively - text is not the best way to conduct a relationship. The easiest, maybe. The laziest, for sure? But I don't know a single important conversation that ever went BETTER because it was being conducted by text.
Listen, I’m sure there are some honorable dissenters who think that all teasing is inherently cruel, who believe that to make fun of someone is punching down, and that moral, sensitive people would never even make the justifications I’m making.
After 300 dates in New York and Los Angeles between the ages of 25-34, I've now been with my wife for twelve years. Our relationship pre-dates dating apps, pre-dates social media, and pretty much pre-dates texting as a primary form of communication.
All too often, I'd rather talk than listen. Especially when the salient points are buried deeply in a stream of unnecessary detail. This is never more manifest than within my marriage
It's not whether you will disagree; it's what you do about it afterward. Listening, validating, not attacking, looking for points of agreement, assuming the best intentions: these are the hallmarks of healthy communication and successful relationships.
You go out with a guy on Friday. You're bored stiff. He calls you the next day to say he had a blast and can't wait to see you again. You determine he's a needy stalker.
It's generally not my style to link to other advice columnists, but my friend, Lori Gottlieb, author of the new book,"Maybe You Should Talk to Someone" does such an incredible job that it feels like a dereliction of duty to keep her to myself.
I am a 46-year-old, twice divorced, mother of 3, dating a man with whom I had a serious relationship in my 20's. Five months into the relationship, I learned that he had been dating someone very seriously immediately before we started dating, and that he was not over her when we started dating.
I am a 25-year old woman living in North Carolina. I've been with my loving, consistent boyfriend (also 25) for a year now and I've been impressed with how easy and natural the relationship is. We live separately but see each other at least 2-3x/week and have keys to each other's places.
Meghan Daum is an author, a writing instructor, a former LA Times columnist and a Facebook friend, in that order. We haven't met in real life. But I respect her work more than I can possibly say. Daum - like me - knows one mode: 100% honest.
Hey Evan! I'm dealing with an issue that I can't find explicitly addressed on one of your old posts, so I thought I'd write and see if you can help. I am 38, and divorced three years. I am looking for a relationship, but perfectly happy with my life in the meantime.
Certain themes come up frequently around here and this is one of them. What IS cheating? Where do you draw the line? Is it purely physical? Is it emotional? Can you be a cheater just for thinking about someone but never acting on it?
I know that, if a man isn't reaching back out within a day or so of your last date, it's because he doesn't care to do so. However, when the guy sends a follow-up message 5-7 days later, what's the best way to respond?
Shouting. Slamming doors. Silent treatments. Shutting down. Calling names. Cutting... READ POST
Cognitive Psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D., wrote a fascinating article... READ POST