The Nuclear Families Evangelist: Recent Episodes

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Don’t be a wrecking ball. Pour into your marriage and learn to separate feelings from truth. Heather Hetchler is a monthly columnist at Stepmom Magazine, a thought leader, and co-founder of Learning2Step, an online educational and empowerment program for blended families. Heather shares her blended family experiences and the advice that she’s learned along the way while reminding us to always be kind to ourselves.

Three Key Points

1. Give everyone time to adjust. Just because two adults are healed, happy and healthy doesn’t mean the children are. Oftentimes, two people are dating and their kids are getting along and everything seems fine until you get married… She’s not baking snickerdoodles the way her mom did or we always had a real tree at Christmas time! A new stepmom should be understanding the grief and the loss that these kids are navigating but also give herself time to grieve the loss of the beautiful picture of the ideal blended family that she had in her head.

2. Allow your stepchildren to have those mementos in their rooms or on the Christmas tree. It can be really difficult for kids to go back and forth between two homes. And sometimes, they want the comfort of that picture of your husband and their mother with them during happier times displayed prominently in their rooms. Learn to separate your feelings from the truth. The truth is he loves you and he’s your husband.

3. Pour into your marriage. We join a family in progress. The reality is that the kids are going to grow up and move away. The waves are going to come because blending families is hard on a marriage. Make time to pour into your marriage because that’s a solid foundation. One of the greatest gifts we can give to our stepchildren, children or husband is the gift of modeling healthy habits and even the gift of modeling forgiveness.

Learning2Step.com

Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Twitter Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

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The bond is different. Stepparents and parents see their children through different lenses and that’s perfectly normal. Laura Petherbridge, life coach and author of several books including 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom, shares her no-nonsense tips for the smart stepmom and the hardest things she had to overcome when she became a stepmother.

Three Key Points

1. Laura explains that what she perceived as disrespectful behavior from her stepchildren towards their father triggered her own “daddy wound” of growing up in a blended family. Laura had to discover that she was not her stepchildren’s parent. They already had one father and one mother, instead, she could be a mentor and a role model.

2. Laura says that parents and stepparents see their children through different lenses. Stepparents see the child through the lens of responsibility such as I want this child to grow up to be responsible, or I want them to be a good person, or I want them to do well in school and in life. However, when a parent looks at their child, they see their children through the lens of love: I want this child to feel loved. I just want them to ooze love, and feel love from me. We need to stop pretending that this isn't true. The bond is different, and we need to recognize that it's perfectly normal for a stepparent and a parent to view the child differently.

3. Leniency is one of the most common issues Laura sees with stepfamilies that seek her out. The stepparent wants the biological father or mother to step up and set firmer boundaries with their own child. When Laura works with families, she looks to see if they’re teachable or “do they just want to be right.” You don’t always have to like Laura’s advice but if what you’ve been doing in the past hasn’t worked, then what do you have to lose?

Laura Petherbridge: Website

Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Twitter Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

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Blended families are born out of loss. A stepfamily would not exist if there hadn’t been a death, a divorce, or a break-up of a previous relationship. Laura Petherbridge, a wife, stepmother, life coach, and published author of several books including The Smart Stepmom, joins Traci on the podcast. Laura explains how loss influences the stepfamily dynamic and the importance of addressing this loss in your own blended family.

Three Key Points:

1. Laura highlights the importance of couples entering into blended families to address this key issue of loss for their children and stepchildren.

2. Laura explains how we must overcome the lie that loss is no big deal for kids and that they'll be perfectly fine with the new relationship of their parents. Just because the children aren't acting out does not mean that they aren't struggling. We've got to become educated in our understanding of what the child's brain and emotions are doing, so Laura recommends getting some resources to help understand what our children's brains experience when their biological family splits up.

3. Laura mentions a book written specifically for the child living between two homes called Between Two Worlds by Elizabeth Marquardt. Elizabeth does a superb job of explaining what happens in the brain of the child who flips between one household for a period of time and then to a completely different dynamic in their second household. Even though it's an older book and doesn't contain all the technical stuff that today's kids are dealing with, it's still a great resource on the market because it explains it so well and gives the parents advice on what to do about it.

Laura Petherbridge: Website

Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Twitter Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

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Our children's nervous systems are a carbon copy of ours. Understanding interpersonal neurobiology means what's going on inside the parents is also going on inside the child. If we want to calm our children, then we must first learn to calm our own nervous systems. Clinical psychologist, Dr. Sandy Gluckman shares tools with parents to heal themselves and their children of trauma, calm their nervous systems and reduce cortisol levels in order to de-flame the brain and rewire the belief system.

Three Key Points

· Healing trauma means healing the nervous system. Dr. Sandy explains that children and adults living with trauma are functioning as survivors and not as “thrivers.” Hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of parents and children are living life as survivors. Most people operate out of the wrong branch of the nervous system. To become whole again, we must change lanes out of the sympathetic into the parasympathetic.

· Parents need to become trauma-informed and know the signs of trauma. Dr. Sandy would love for every parent in a blended family to say, “We’ve had trauma. We’ve all had trauma and we’re going to educate ourselves on what this means.” We cannot hide trauma or push it away. A child does not wake up one morning and say, “I’m going to be defiant today!”

· A few little pieces of advice. Dr. Sandy advises parents to never talk about the behavior that you’re trying to improve. She prefers to get in behind the behavior and talk about what’s going on behind. Is the child being anxious, afraid, frustrated, annoyed, irritated, or confused? It’s important to connect with the child. Dr. Sandy suggests some resources and roleplay to help the child get over the trauma response in the nervous system.

Dr. Sandy Gluckman: Website

Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Twitter Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

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In today´s episode of the ‘Nuclear Families Evangelist’ (A podcast that debunks the mythologies and biology by exploring the dynamics and relationships in blended families), host Traci Dority-Shanklin (Managing Partner at Sisu Partners) talks with guest Dr. Sandy Gluckman, who has been paying attention to the growing epidemic of childhood anxiety for several decades. As the psychologist, she is an early adopter of the science of neuroplasticity. She is passionate about teaching parents, caregivers, and teachers, how to help their children struggling either from trauma or who have a sensitive empathic nature. She studied in South Africa and has created countless parenting programs that are changing the lives of thousands of families around the globe. This conversation is incredibly educational and expansive for any parent with a child struggling with a learning, emotional or behavioral challenge.

Key Points

· Dr. Sandy’s work is based partly on functional medicine and neuroscience. They don't treat the symptoms, they look for the underlying root causes and treat those underlying root causes. They find that and once they are able to do that, the symptoms start to unravel, they start to reverse and they go away. There's definitely no need for a diagnosis, and that's why she refers to her work as spirit, brain, and body medicine.

· Dr. Sandy explains the three most common root causes for children dealing with trauma - these three root causes are that these children have very high levels of stress hormones that are flooding their brain and their body. Then the second thing is that these children have a belief in a neuro-pathway in their brain that how they show up, and who they’re is not good enough. The third underlying root cause is, the parenting approach that is being used, who does not understand these children, and what's going on inside of them, they are trying to fix it from the outside and does not know how to connect with the being of the child.

· Dr. Sandy says, everything that's going on inside of us is picked up by the children and it wires the children's brain to be a mirror image of what's going on in the parent. So that's what she calls her practice ‘Parenting That Heals’. That's why the very first thing she would ever do with a parent is to heal the parent before she would even give them any kind of parenting tools because, with all the best love in the world and the best intentions in the world, parents are often aggravating with stress levels in their children in the way in which they are incorrectly dealing with them. It also needs to change teaching and education.

Resources Mentioned

· Dr. Sandy Gluckman: Website

The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family Paperback –
by Karyn B. Purvis (Author), David R. Cross (Author), Wendy Lyons Sunshine (Author)

Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Instagram Twitter
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

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In this episode of the ‘Nuclear Families Evangelist’ (A podcast that debunks the mythologies and biology by exploring the dynamics and relationships in blended families), host Traci Dority-Shanklin (Managing Partner at Sisu Partners) talks with guests Heather Hetchler, a columnist at Stepmom Magazine, a wife, a mom, stepmom, a thought leader and a coach for blended families with learning to step at e-learning platform for blended families.
The second guest is Ed Vargo, who has over 20 years of experience in the Financial Services industry and is the Founder of Burning River Advisory Group (A Wealth Management Firm that specializes in working with women experiencing significant life events, divorce, retirement, widowhood, etc.). Ed is also the founder of ‘EnlightenHer’ (A new women’s first financial education and coaching company).
Both the guests explain what financial infidelity is, and share their tips for blended families learning to communicate honestly and effectively about finances.

Three Key Points

1. Heather says, financial infidelity explains the pain that a stepmom might feel if she realizes that her husband's been giving money to his kids or his ex and not telling her. She's already maybe feeling a little bit like an outsider. She’d encourage women to stop to acknowledge what may be going on, but not go and accuse their husbands like they’ve been financially cheating on them because we do have to sometimes stop. It doesn't make it right. But sometimes, we're all a product of our childhood of what we've been through, and many times men and we're just talking about this in the context of stepmoms and husbands but who do sometimes make choices to keep the peace.

2. ED mentions that it’s not like they haven't made money but they haven't sat down together. They've just lived their life, and next year they wake up and it's like, “Oh, I'm on the doorstep of retirement”. That's why we had this big retirement crisis because typically, we find people that make enough money, they're just not connected enough to their money to be able to good with it and so, this structure allows them to be an accountability partner for each other.

3. Ed advice to a blended family so they stay financially present. It's just a reiteration of staying connected, like starting with our values, understanding what's important to us, and then making sure we're putting that in front of ourselves in front of us on a regular basis.

Resources Mentioned

· Heather Hetchler: Instagram Twitter

· ED Vargo: EnlightenHer (Website)

Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Instagram Twitter
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

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In today´s episode of the ‘Nuclear Families Evangelist’ (A podcast that debunks the mythologies and biology by exploring the dynamics and relationships in blended families), host Traci Dority-Shanklin (Managing Partner at Sisu Partners) talks with guests Heather Hetchler, a columnist at Stepmom Magazine, a wife, a mom, stepmom, a thought leader and a coach for blended families with learning to step at e-learning platform for blended families.

The second guest is Ed Vargo, who has over 20 years of experience in the Financial Services industry and is the Founder of Burning River Advisory Group (A Wealth Management Firm that specializes in working with women experiencing significant life events, divorce, retirement, widowhood, etc.). Ed is also the founder of ‘EnlightenHer’ (A new women’s first financial education and coaching company).

Both the guests are sharing their thoughts and tips for blended families learning to communicate honestly and effectively about finances.

Resources Mentioned

· Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Instagram

· Heather Hetchler: Instagram Twitter

· ED Vargo: EnlightenHer (Website)

Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Instagram Twitter
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

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In today´s episode of the ‘Nuclear Families Evangelist’ (A podcast that debunks the mythologies and biology by exploring the dynamics and relationships in blended families), host Traci Dority-Shanklin (Managing Partner at Sisu Partners) once more talks with guest Natalie Hale, parent of an adult son with Down syndrome, an advocate and an award-winning author who writes books for children with Down syndrome, ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder or ODDS. She is also a national and international speaker and an innovative educator in the field of literacy for individuals with Down syndrome, the founder and president of special reads for special needs (An educational program designed to teach reading to individuals with Down syndrome, ADHD, Autism and other Developmental Delays). Natalie talks about her journey to special needs, she shares some tips for blended families who have family members with these types of developmental, and educational delays.

Resources:

The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

https://amzn.to/3h2BAr6

Down Syndrome Parenting 101: Must-Have Advice for Making Your Life Easier by Natalie Hale

https://amzn.to/3XYZQLG

The Little Star’s Journey by Natalie Hale

https://amzn.to/3P6NiOi

Managing My Money: Banking and Budgeting Basics for the Child by Natalie Hale

https://amzn.to/3VUmvH6

Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD by Eli R. Lebowitz, PhD

https://amzn.to/3H996Xu

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

https://amzn.to/3HgTyRs

Where to find Natalie Hale:

Specialreads.com

https://www.facebook.com/DownSyndromeReading

https://youtu.be/R4QjwTC9flI

Three Key Points

1. Natalie shares a piece of advice for a woman who's about to become a stepparent to a child with Down syndrome specifically. Get your resources lined up and get informed.

2. Traci mentions, the Book by Natalie ‘Oh! Brother Growing Up with Special Needs Siblings’. To her, it is a book that if one is getting ready to be in a blended family, they should read.

3. Natalie shares how the coronavirus pandemic affected special needs children.

Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Instagram Twitter
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

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In today´s episode of the ‘Nuclear Families Evangelist’ (A podcast that debunks the mythologies and biology by exploring the dynamics and relationships in blended families), host Traci Dority-Shanklin (Managing Partner at Sisu Partners) talks with guest Natalie Hale, parent of an adult son with Down syndrome, an advocate and an award-winning author who writes books for children with Down syndrome, ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder or ODDS. She is also a national and international speaker and an innovative educator in the field of literacy for individuals with Down syndrome, the founder and president of special reads for special needs (An educational program designed to teach reading to individuals with Down syndrome, ADHD, Autism and other Developmental Delays). Natalia talks about her journey to special needs.

Resources:

The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Brain-Child-Revolutionary-Strategies-Developing/dp/0553386697/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1SJ2TZ825STKU&keywords=the+whole+brain+child&qid=1668712438&sprefix=The+Whold+%2Caps%2C84&sr=8-1

Specialreads.com

Down Syndrome Parenting 101: Must-Have Advice for Making Your Life Easier by Natalie Hale

https://www.amazon.com/Down-Syndrome-Parenting-101-Must-Have/dp/160613020X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=17Y46CMZIQEPZ&keywords=down+syndrome+parenting+101&qid=1668712624&sprefix=Down+syndrome+pa%2Caps%2C87&sr=8-1

https://www.facebook.com/DownSyndromeReading

https://youtu.be/R4QjwTC9flI

Three Key Points

1. Natalie’s program is a physical program, with lots of books, but it's in two parts. One is completely fun, based on Pizza and Spaghetti and peanut butter and ice cream, which is the engaging part. If parents have time to create personal books, which she teaches them how to do, their pages, that sort of thing, great, but some don't have that kind of time. So, she provides everything that they need.

2. Natalie explains what sets her special reads program apart from other programs that somebody might look at for a special need for a child with learning differences is, number one it is fun, it's not drudgery. Number two, she uses strategies and teaches strategies that make it easy for the brain. That's very different from what one finds in a special ed classroom.

3. The Special Reads Program does not just educate individuals struggling with learning differences, but it's also a great resource for families and stepfamilies, which is the mission of the show is really to support families, the family unit, and often we as parents come into a situation where there's a child that might have a learning difference for some kind of disability that is impacting their ability to learn, and they don't really know anything about it. In this reading program, a lot of parents use it for their younger siblings as well. So, they're teaching the sibling with special needs, but the other child is right there, learning right alongside so the program works regardless of the age.

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In today´s episode of the ‘Nuclear Families Evangelist’ (A podcast that debunks the mythologies and biology by exploring the dynamics and relationships in blended families), host Traci Dority-Shanklin (Managing Partner at Sisu Partners) talks with guest Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin, An Entrepreneur in Health and Wellness industry (Pure Barre Studio Owner). Marni shares her professional journey as well as her thoughts about blending families with her fiancé.

Three Key Points

1. Marni mentions that she is so grateful that she didn't have her children at that particular juncture when her Pure Barre Studio brand was initiated. She also thinks that more than anything it was about being able to multitask at any given moment as there are multiple things going right and wrong and being able to navigate through both the exhilarating aspect and the chaos of it all and keeping your cool was something she learned along the way. She realized that her entrepreneurial family background helped her pull the venture.

2. Marni started dancing very early on and eventually started to train to become a professional dancer in high school. She danced competitively in middle school and then wanted to up her game and joined a semi-professional institution. She was fortunate enough to go into some very wonderful summer programs where she could undergrad with a scholarship to NYU to the School of the Arts. She ended up doing two semesters there before she had a little accident so it became difficult to carry on with the training, and later she ended up transferring to another school. She continued to dance there, but not in the same way that she had planned.

3. Marni and her fiancé had both been through similar situations, and they found that not only did they fall in love, but there were all of these other commonalities. They had been raised with similar values and viewpoints, and both had a very strong work ethic. But they didn't even talk about moving in together or doing anything to blend their families for at least two years. Because Marni thinks they wanted to make sure that it was the right thing for everybody. But as things unfold, sometimes you recognize things about somebody that you don't necessarily like or you don't necessarily want to bring around your children and she thinks they both kept waiting for the other shoe to drop but it never did. However, they did end up getting engaged and moved in together this past November.

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In today´s episode of the ‘Nuclear Families Evangelist’ (A podcast that debunks the mythologies and biology by exploring the dynamics and relationships in blended families), host Traci Dority-Shanklin continues the discussion with guest Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin, Business Development Manager in Pharmaceuticals and an Entrepreneur in the Health and Wellness industry. Marni talks about the struggles of second marriage.

Three Key Points

1. Marni reveals that while she was going through her divorce, she had a lot of support around her. She did have one person who said, “Everybody I know that got divorced regrets it”, but Marni has no regrets. In terms of the advice, a lot of people advised her to, “Never speak badly about your ex or the other person's ex”, and they really hold to that rule. Of course, they don't have anything bad to say, everybody's welcome when they come to drop off the kids. They want everyone to feel like this is an extended family.

2. Marni says that with his kid, we still try to keep the dynamics, a dad and his boys and a mom and her daughters to be very sacred and that is important. She thinks they have held true to that fear has not become a reality and they've made a conscious effort to uphold that promise.

3. We all saw firsthand how devastating it was during the pandemic, especially more than anything for the kids to be learning on zoom at home away from their friends, it was truly heartbreaking. Marni thinks for them they were lucky as they live in California where it's sunny 355 days a year but they try to take walks every day. They were fortunate enough to have a trampoline in their backyard, so they jumped a lot and tried to do something physically active with the kids every day.

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Traci Dority-Shanklin shares her story of growing up blended in this episode of The Nuclear Families Evangelist. 

The Nuclear Families Evangelist is a podcast that debunks the mythologies of biology by exploring the unique dynamics and relationships of blended families. We enlist experts and humor to help unlock the hidden superpower of being blended.