@jessicaqertler: Recent Episodes
@jessicaqertler - Beams.fm
Chicago dance instructor, pseudo-psychologist and avg person! Very glamorous! Very nervous!
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but it doesn't always happen that way. It, you know, couples who say um we've had a good run, we're not compatible, we don't do it for each other. Maybe one person has fallen in love with somebody else. Maybe neither has fall in love with anyone else. They they just know that they're not a good fit for each other. There are people who stay together so their kids don't have to go through a divorce, there are people who stay married. So in a way love is not magical for it to last love and love is magical. I mean the feeling of falling in love is magical but that's biochemical. Yeah. This is really, sorry honey, what did you think this is gonna be? That's like getting your period, It's biochemical, it feels really, really real feelings that it gives you are very strong. That's right but not for long but not for long. I think that people can have a lot of loves in their life, but finding a partner who you can go through life with is a totally different thing. Should we have, can I, did I give you that ring? This one? I thought that was grandma Marilyn's, That's not grandma Marilyn's right, okay. Maybe you gave this to me, I'll take that back. Okay
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The species, we are not really a monogamous species, we are not, you know, we 100% we are not 100% monogamous monogamy is chimps and bonobos. So why do people get divorced? Oh, they get divorced for so many reasons. But you know, it's interesting because there have been longitudinal studies which look at whether people are happier after they get divorced and you know, just because you get divorced doesn't mean you're necessarily going to be happier. Um, and the reason for that is because everything changes in life. So, you know, couples who are married for awhile go through all kinds of phases in a marriage. And um, if you look at, you know why people decide to stay married, why people, why some people get divorced and other people don't, I would say because, you know, people who don't get divorced have chosen to not get divorced despite a lot of, despite all the problems they've had in a marriage. And, you know, all the whatever conflict they've had and whatever conflict they've resolved. Um, you know, people figure it out. But clearly when people get divorced, they've hit a wall where they kind of tell themselves well, they've had it right. Or at least one person has said, okay, I don't want to choose this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. This is unbearable for me, right
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partners who um are familiar to them in some way, in other words. So you know, we have these patterns in our family of origin that we're comfortable with, even if they're negative patterns and oftentimes when we meet somebody that we quote, fall in love with, who feels really, really familiar and um, you know who we feel really connected with beyond the physical connection, you know, that might be because there's something very familiar about them because they remind us of something on a deep level of what we grew up with, which is why maybe, you know, when somebody grows up with a parent who is an alcoholic or an addict of some kind, they find themselves choosing partners who have similar issues, which on some level is counterintuitive, but not really. Then what would lead to divorce might be those same kind of negative cycles that they even grew up with. The same things that that's depressed you found attractive and your partner are the things that, you know, but obviously not everyone is just doomed. Like if they grew up in a of course not. No, no, no, no. I'm just saying, I'm just saying that when, you know, when when you falling in love is one thing and making a decision to get married, you know, into it, it's a choice. It's a choice you make, it's a choice you make. I mean, I think that
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what have you witnessed to be the most common reason for people getting divorced? Well, it's not what you would think it would be. Most people would think, oh, people get divorced because of infidelity. Um, people don't think that they think that, I don't know. I don't know. I would think that or they stop falling in love or they're not in love anymore. That's what I feel like. Oh no. Most people who've been married a long time are not in love. Mm hmm. Great. Oh no, that that dives down after a few years, we'll get divorced around issues um about money and control. And um, you know, usually money and control in the last little episode you said, Okay, well usually what people are fighting about, what they think they're fighting about is not actually what they're fighting about. So they find themselves fighting about control or money or power imbalances. What is there an underpinning? Well, I think to talk about why people get divorced. I think you have to start from the beginning and really talk about why people get married and who they choose as partners when they're getting married. And so if you think about it, people often shoes
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digitally, first and foremost, and then together because guess what? It's really hard to do that. It's really hard to unpack those things that we argue about because mostly people aren't arguing about what they say they're arguing about and in friendships too well in friendships to any kind of relationship. But I would say that in deeper intimate relationships where we have so much at stake, that's where these these cyclical arguments come about. But oftentimes they're not about what we're arguing about. What do you mean so much at stake in our intimate relationships? We have more to lose. We have everything to lose because as a species we're hardwired to be attached to each other, that's what we're all supposed to be attached to each other. Do you think that you're going to be more famous than Esther Perel? No, um no, she's she's pretty famous and she's pretty amazing. And um I would like to be like Esther Perel. Um but I think she's in a in a category of her own. I've read all her books, I think she's fantastic. Mhm. Are you upset? Now? I don't know. I'm really not sure why you had to bring her up
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Hey, my name is Jessica. Welcome to divorce. Schmitt divorce where I ask people questions about relationships and fighting just based on their unique experience. Starting with my mom who has been divorced two times, married three times. And to top it all off, has been a divorce attorney and mediator for many, many years. So she um has some some little bits of wisdom that she could definitely offer. Here we go. Here we go. Check one. Okay. And we're doing this because we're really cool. Not not. Okay. Okay. First question, why is it that couples get in cyclical fights? Like they find themselves fighting about the same thing all the time? That's the first question you asked me. Yeah. Um, I would say people have those cyclical relationships cyclical arguments with each other because they rarely work through the deeper underpinnings of their their arguments, their conflict. And because it's hard to do that individually or together together and individually, right well, individually.
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