Gajok • 가족: Recent Episodes
Jieun & Greg
Gajok is a podcast about the joys, the struggles, and the beauty of being Asian American. Gajok means family. Hosted by singer-songwriter duo, Jieun & Greg: jieunandgreg.com. Support Gajok on Patreon: patreon.com/jieunandgreg. Email us: jieunandgreg@gmail.com Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/jieunandgreg/support
I started an Asian American neighborhood moms group! We met for the first time last week, and it was exactly what I needed. I'm proud of myself for creating the community that I need, and providing that space for others. This group reminded me a lot of my grief group. After meeting with the four women who attended last week, I felt like I went from a lifeboat to a ship. I think this group is going to be a crucial lifeline in this next leg of my life journey: motherhood.
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Two words: lightning crotch. This term is an understatement of the experience. We, as a society, need to do a better job of educating our children on sex and mental health.
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I almost forgot to record a podcast episode again! But at 11:43 pm, I busted out the recording gear and recorded an episode, live from my bed. 엄마 left New York for Virginia yesterday. She took the bus back, which was weird because she's never done it before. She took the bus up here, too, but Greg picked her up by himself, so I didn't get to actually see her getting on or off a bus. It was hard to say goodbye. It was nice having her here to take care of me, Greg, Gamja, and the little human growing in my body. She'll be back in a month, and I'm looking forward to her being back here. Pregnancy pains are at an all-time high right now. I think the baby might have dropped because my belly looks lower than it was before. I think I'm also breathing better. I can't believe this is happening so soon. I'm so ready, and I'm so not ready.
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My 할아버지 played 화투 with the monks that lived near his home in Seoul. I played 화투 tonight at Sonbul in Bedstuy with my Korean American friends.
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I forgot to record yesterday's episode! I give myself permission to have forgotten yesterday. I think I forgot because I woke up at 3:30 am and my brain was not functioning properly.
I have a list of tried and true things that I do when I'm really struggling. Today ended as a hard day. Having Complex-PTSD feels like all the cards are flipping over, all the dominos are falling down, and the table is being flipped upside-down. My Complex-PTSD inner voice gets really loud, really critical, really condemning, really damning. Complex-PTSD Jieun thinks she can't trust me. She tells me that hope, love, joy, wonder, belief, faith, fun, and awe, are all incredibly dangerous feelings that I have no business having. She tells me that the reality has always been this devastating — I'm just being made aware of it by this triggering situation. She believes that living in a cave with a boulder rolled over the entrance by herself is the only way to keep ourselves safe. She believes that living with our heads on a swivel, our eyes constantly scanning for danger, and our fists always up — that this is the way we keep ourselves safe. She pulls us into self-sabotage mode, and I know it's happening, but I feel completely powerless to the power of the Complex-PTSD episode. Somehow, doing little things to make little improvements to the present moment is what helps me out of these Complex-PTSD episodes. Even recording this episode is a way to find my way back to myself.
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When we acknowledge and voice our fears, we're able to move through them. When we move through them, we can create space for hope. The fears are still there, but we can hold hope without it feeling like a lie. Improving the moment, beautifying my space, going outside, going on walks, journaling, going to a coffee shop, sticking to a routine, cleaning and organizing my home. These are some of the things I like to do when I'm feeling overwhelmed and powerless. They give me my power back.
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The third trimester is kicking my ass. It's definitely the hardest one out of the three, and it's unfortunately coming with a lot of anticipatory grief. 아빠 should be here and he's not.
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It was 92 degrees today. Being pregnant in this kind of heat is insanity. I really struggle with receiving help. Subconsciously, giving help feels safer to me because I feel like I'm in control, but it also leads me to feeling a ton of resentment. I often give until I'm giving out of an empty well. It's something I'm working on. I'm scared of giving birth. I also accidentally drank moldy almond milk today because the cap was busted and we didn't know it. Greg emailed a complaint to Trader Joe's.
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I can't believe it's August. I could give birth this month or next month. We are in the final stretch of this 280-day marathon. In January, I could barely imagine making it to this point, and now, somehow, I'm here. I'm both ready to give birth to this kid already, and I'm simultaneously absolutely not ready.
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This is the first month where we aren't recording and releasing a song. While I'm bummed about it, I'm also proud of myself for not prioritizing my ambitions over my needs.
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I went to Asian American Arts Alliance's July Town Hall. I walked there, with a 30-pound watermelon attached to my stomach aka a growing human being, and it was really hard, but walking makes me feel like myself. I love how walkable New York City is. I love being a part of the Asian American arts community. Sometimes, I need a reminder that creating art matters.
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I'm 33 weeks pregnant, which means I only have 7 weeks left of this pregnancy. We are fully freaking out over here! Greg and I took a pregnancy class on Saturday, and in the middle of class, a woman found out that her water was breaking. It had actually started breaking since the day before. It wasn't like the movies, but it was still an insane thing to be a part of.
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My mom took the bus by herself to New York from Virginia yesterday. It's the first time she's been back here since February. Today is the 10-month anniversary of 아빠's death. We didn't have time to go to 한아름 (H-Mart) today because I had my 32-week prenatal appointment and my mom just got here. I was weeping while talking to Greg in a Starbucks today before my appointment, reflecting on my mom being here with us. My tears surprised me — I didn't realize how overwhelmed I was by her being here. I haven't journaled in two weeks and I feel really backed up on my feelings.
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I had my 32-week growth ultrasound appointment today and everything looks good. I'll be going back at 36 weeks because, for women who are Advanced Maternal Age (35 years old and up), we are advised to get scans every week, starting at 36 weeks. We are truly in the final weeks of this pregnancy, and I've been desperately waiting for these weeks since Week 1. But now that I'm here, I'm scared! Pain is an inevitable part of this experience, but I think it's kind of crazy that women are expected to labor at home until their contractions are five minutes apart for an hour — the "rule" is 5-1-1. I have another appointment tomorrow with my midwife practice. So many appointments. So little time.
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If no one ever goes to an oral surgeon asking for no anesthesia to get a root canal or a dental implant, why do we have the option to have an unmedicated birth? Pregnancy is pain. Labor is pain. Postpartum is pain. Breastfeeding is pain. If we can reduce our pain during childbirth with medication, we as women deserve it. I don't want to feel the ring of fire. I don't want to feel the full circumference of my child's head crowning out of my vagina. Girls and women deal with more than enough pain. The fact that men can't get pregnant, give birth, or breastfeed, is a massive injustice. We already do enough. We already carry enough. We already endure enough.
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Pregnancy is fucking hard. My fingers are numb. Everything is swollen. My stomach is absolutely massive. I'm giving birth sometime between the next 5 weeks and 8 weeks. I don't think I'll miss being pregnant, but maybe I will? I don't think I'll miss having a pregnant stomach, but maybe I will? I feel like I'm flying down a mountain at top speed right now. We're going to have a child in less than two months.
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Our trip to Virginia was so exhausting, and the drive back was also extremely exhausting. I feel so relieved that I had a much-needed conversation with my mom, and that that conversation went as well as it could have gone. It went far better than I had expected. It will take time to heal, but we're making progress, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. It took us 7 hours to get back to New York from Virginia yesterday — the drive usually takes us, at most, 5.5 hours. Trying to find things to purchase for a child you've never met before, and for an experience you've never had before, is very, very difficult. I'm 32 weeks pregnant today. I can't believe I'm going to be having a child in 5 to 8 weeks.
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This episode is about how proud I am of myself for seeing my mom for the first time in five months, for setting very firm boundaries with her, and having a very difficult, and healing, conversation with her today.
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This episode is about going to Virginia for the first time since December, seeing and speaking to my mom for the first time since February, and all of the grief that is coming up for me. Greg and I drove down today, and we’re currently staying at my cousin’s house in Maryland.
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This episode is about moving trauma as it relates to the immigrant experience, immigrant parents making really narrow-minded, impulsive decisions from a place of fear, stress, and trauma, not being able to say goodbye to the last home your dead parent ever lived in, and the ways that death and grief impact every single family member and the family dynamic.
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The third trimester of pregnancy is fucking insane. My pregnancy nausea from the first trimester has returned because our child is squishing all of my organs. I have indigestion and acid reflux. I have to eat every hour, or else I'll get nauseous, but I'm nauseous, so I can't eat. And when I do eat, I can hardly eat because there's very little room in my body for my stomach to hold food. I have edema in my feet, ankles, legs, hands, wrists, and arms. My face is bloated from all of the fluid retention. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?!?!?!? My. hands are numb and tingly 24/7. Walking around feels impossible. IT'S 95 DEGREES OUTSIDE. I have to sleep with an ice pack, and I'm still hot. And I am going to have a child in less than 9 weeks. I'm not ready. Who's ready for something like this? No one. I also need to make my baby registry, plan a baby shower. Yeah, I'm stressed. Women deserve the fucking world.
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I think we, as humans, should allow ourselves to feel our anger, disappointments, and resentments more. These feelings are not worse than joy and gratitude — they are equally as important, and they are just as valuable. In my opinion, the more we push down the feelings that we're uncomfortable with, or the feelings that society has deemed as "bad," the more they build up and explode or come out sideways later down the line. The only way out of our anger is through it. We can't rationalize our way out of our feelings. We can't empathize with the other person who wronged us to get out of our angry feelings. I hope you can give yourself permission to feel angry, and I hope you can feel safe enough to feel resentful. You deserve to feel your feelings.
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I think going to see a psychiatrist should be as normal as seeing your primary care doctor. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and it was really helpful. I need to find a new therapist, but I have no energy to do that. I finally got a much-needed haircut. My hair was almost past my butt, my bun was so heavy, and it felt like I was perpetually walking with a heater on my head. And I'm having people over tomorrow for our July Return to 정 Gathering. People are coming from Washington, DC and Pennsylvania, which is wild to me. It feels like this caravanning of Korean diasporic people who are in much need of a community that reflects their identity back to them, and holds space for their stories.
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These summer days are thick with grief. This episode starts with me reading my newsletter about 아빠's birthday. And it ends with me talking about how heavy this grief has been, as I relive 아빠's dying days. June to September, it's been hard, and it will continue to be hard.
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Read the Newsletter Here: https://jieunandgreg.substack.com/p/its-appas-64th-birthday-this-sunday.
Why do you think some relationships last for decades, and some relationships only last for a couple of years? Why do some relationships last, and some relationships end? Rewatching Twenty-Five Twenty-One made me think about this yesterday. Why have Greg and I stayed together for the last 11 1/2 years? And why did my relationship with the guy I dated right before him only last six months, but technically, one week? I know that the length of time that you stay with someone doesn't always equate to how much you love them. But I guess I'm wondering in the cases of people who love each other, know each other, and are very much a part of each other's lives, how do those couples stay together? How do those relationships withstand the test of time, circumstance, devastation, tragedy, and change? I'd love to know your thoughts on this.
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I listened to the songs we recorded so far this year, and for some strange reason, I felt the desire to listen to the first EP we ever made. It's called Small but Fortunate, under our first band name, the Heartland Nomads. I've barely listened to it since we recorded it back in 2016 because it didn't go the way I wanted it to go at all. But listening back to it, I feel so proud of that Jieun, that Greg, that Andrew, and that EP. That Jieun was brave enough to try. And 35-year-old Jieun is only where she's at today because 26-year-old Jieun decided she would take a big risk and take a chance on her dreams of being a singer. She had to pave this path, and a lot of other factors played into this path getting paved — she absolutely did not do it on her own. But this path was only hers to walk — no one could walk it for her. I'm so incredibly proud of her. And I want to try to be more proud of 35-year-old Jieun today, and I want to try to be less critical and judgmental of her. Because I know 45-year-old Jieun will be proud of her, ten years from now.
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I am really proud of the way that I've been living my life this year — this year after 아빠's death. I am living my life with more courage and freedom, gentleness and kindness. Death changes us. Grief is a messy process, but I think the grieving experience illuminates how the human experience is actually always messy. Grief has given me the freedom to show up on any given day, with whatever I have for the day. Grief has been one of the most powerful teachers of my life. While I would trade in all of these lessons for 아빠's life, I'm thankful for the growth that I have seen out of these ashes. It's a miracle.
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I was asked to be one of the responders for The Faraway Nearby's 2024 Dialogue Project! The Faraway Nearby is a dialogue project that explores various ways the dialogue process unfolds among Asian women artists, fostering feelings of empathy and solidarity. The artists I'm responding to are Jamie Ho and Junli Song, and in their conversation, Jamie and Junli discussed the ways their parents, specifically their mothers, showed them love through acts of care and food. This is an oration of the letter I wrote in response to them. Thank you, The Faraway Nearby, for the honorable opportunity to be a part of this beautiful project.
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Learn more about The Faraway Nearby, Jamie Ho, and Junli Song: https://thefarawaynearby.us/jamie-ho-:-junli-song
I'm hosting the Return to 정 July Gathering, and I'm excited about getting together again — it's been more than two months since we had one of these gatherings. I might be going to Virginia this month, and I'm feeling anxious about it. I haven't been back since December. Having edema in my hands and feet because of pregnancy reminds me of 아빠.
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July 4th is a holiday for the colonizers, so I don't want to celebrate it anymore. This holiday does not acknowledge the independence the British colonizers stole from the indigenous people who lived here before they arrived. I also hate how holidays make you feel pressure to do something — hang out with people, eat grilled foods, be outside. All of the holidays have been hard since 아빠 died. I do have fond memories of spending this day with my parents in past years. I especially loved the July 4th, 2020, where Greg, 아빠, my mom, and I went to Burke Lake and canoed around the lake. We raced around the lake — Greg and 아빠 always won. My mom faceplanted getting out of the canoe, and 아빠 kept on making fun of her and doing impressions of her falling, which made us all laugh so hard. We ate burgers and hot dogs that Greg made on the grill. We made s'mores. All of these holidays make me miss 아빠.
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I'm currently rewatching the Korean drama series, Twenty-Five Twenty-One. In grief, it's nice to have some comfort items: TV shows, movies, foods, clothes, and activities. Twenty-Five Twenty-One is one of those comfort shows for me. I also like rewatching Korean shows so I can expand my Korean language skills. I particuarly love Twenty-Five Twenty One because of the focus of girls in sports and high school nostalgia. In high school, I competitively practiced 검도 and I absolutely loved it. I love the sounds of the stomping, the feet moving back and forth on the ground, and the sword hitting the practice dummy.
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This is a pregnancy rant. I am 29 weeks and 1 day pregnant — I am 204 days pregnant. Whoa, I was 100 days off in the episode. This is how much pregnancy messes with your brain, haha. I'm massive, I'm running incredibly hot, I'm experiencing constant jolts, kicks, and punches, and my feet and hands are so swollen and in pain. To anyone who has ever said they loved pregnancy and hated zero aspects of it, I don't believe you. Pregnancy is a wild experience, but it's also a painful, inconvenient, and annoying one. As a society, let's be honest about these experiences — it doesn't benefit us women to pretend like we're magically and perfectly floating through creating human life out of our own freaking bodies. This shit is hard. Women deserve everything and more for this literal labor of love.
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We released our 6th song of the year yesterday, on 아빠's 64th birthday. The song is called "Show Me Love" and it's about how love lives on. You can read the newsletter on Substack: https://jieunandgreg.substack.com/p/june-2024-show-me-love. And you can listen to the song on bandcamp: https://jieunandgreg.bandcamp.com/track/show-me-love.
Thank you to all 59 of our Patreon Members for funding our June recording project! If you're not a Patreon Member yet, will you subscribe today? Go to our Patreon page, select a membership tier, and hit subscribe. Thank you so much! Subscribe: https://patreon.com/jieunandgreg
This Sunday, June 30, is 아빠's 64th birthday. Would you join me on Sunday in doing something really fun? 아빠 embodied joy, and he was able to find a way to have fun and make people laugh, even in the worst of times. I want to honor 아빠 by having some fun on Sunday. Please join me.
Today was a wild day. Greg and and our incredible Taskrabbit mover moved a sofa into our apartment. Greg and I went to an ultrasound appointment and we got to see our child's face for the first time ever! It was a surreal and insane experience. And to top it all off, Greg and I picked up a brand new mattress off of Facebook Marketplace and had multiple people help us carry it up and down the stairs. New York can be really amazing sometimes. I'm really starting to understand the idea of, "It takes a village."
Getting scammed on TaskRabbit by pieces of shit is a thing. Thankfully, I handled it, but damn, this pregnant woman has ZERO patience for getting scammed on a Thursday!
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Today marks the 9-month anniversary of 아빠's death. These death anniversaries are always hard. I didn't cry today, but I did feel the quiet devastation that inevitably comes with these heavy days. I went on a walk to the park and back, we went to H-Mart, ate some food, fought for some kimchi, bought some groceries, and came home. Plans to hang out with my friends fell through, which I was totally fine with because I was exhausted by the end of the day. I felt depressed when I got home, so I made some art, and that helped. I think just having some solitude was also really helpful. I survived the day, and that is the victory.
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Tomorrow, Wednesday, June 26, marks 9 months without
아빠. We're going to go to H-Mart, eat some Korean food in the food court, buy some groceries, get in the car, drink our special drink while eating 떡 and snacks. And I'm also going to hang out with my Return to 정 friends at a Korean bar-restaurant.
I am in disbelief that it's been nine months, and I absolutely feel like it's been nine months. How has it been nine months?
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아빠’s 64th birthday is coming up this Sunday, June 30, and I’m feeling a lot of fear, dread, and anxiety. Sunday, June 16, was Father's Day. Wednesday, June 26, is the 9-month anniversary of 아빠's death. Sunday, June 30, is 아빠's 64th birthday. Last year, on his 63rd birthday, we met with his neuro-oncologist and found out that the cancer had spread to critical parts of his brain. His 63rd birthday was basically when we found out he was going to die. June was the beginning of the end. I would really appreciate it if you would send me a message, with words of encouragement, love, and kindness this week. I really struggle to ask for help. I'm trying to be better about that.
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People smile at me on the street way more as a pregnant woman than they did when I wasn't pregnant. I also rarely get sexually harassed by strange men on the street as a pregnant woman. Continuing to go on dates with your partner when you've been in a really long relationship is so important. The swelling of my hands, feet, wrists, and ankles is painful and uncomfortable, but it also reminds me of 아빠. He had edema in the same areas because he was taking a targeted chemotherapy treatment medication called Capmatinib that caused edema for him. By feeling the pain that he physically felt, I feel both comforted and devastated. This is grief.
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I'm still feeling the residual grief of Father's Day. I think I'm also feeling the anticipatory grief of the nine-month anniversary of 아빠's death, and his 64th birthday. The grief never goes away, but I feel like it has scabbed over, over the last nine months. And as these special days come up, the scab gets ripped off, and I start bleeding again. I'm not bleeding like I did last September, but I'm still bleeding, and I'm still in pain.
In this episode, I read the second half of my Substack newsletter, "Stories of Appa: Part 1."
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Writing has always been my friend. Since I was a little girl, writing has been my way of making sense of the clutter of thoughts and feelings in my head. It's been my way of making sense of myself, my life, and the world. Writing is a lot like cleaning your apartment — your brain can get cluttered, and writing helps to get all of the thoughts and feelings out so you can see them, clean them up, organize them, rearrange them, and throw certain things away.
In this episode, I read the first part of the Father's Day newsletter I sent out on Substack on Sunday, which was Father's Day.
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Complex-PTSD and grief are hard things to carry at the same time. When I'm feeling high levels of anxiety and fear, or when I'm feeling triggered, getting out of my mind and into my body is the best thing I can do for myself. Doing small, routine things that I don't have to think too much about helps me slowly make my way out of my overwhelming feelings. Lying in the grass, looking up at the sky, and watching the world go by is incredibly healing.
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Grief lingers. It's sticky. Extra grief-heavy weeks can leave me feeling drained. I know that, even after Father's Day is over, the grief of it will stay with me for the following day, and probably a few days after that. How much sleep I get also heavily dictates where my mental and emotional state is, even if I'm not grieving, but in grief, sleep has a much greater effect on my mental state.
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We recorded our sixth song of the year! And we freaking recorded so early! Today is 16 days before the end of the month! This was the best recording session that we've had so far. I love recording on a Friday. I love recording during the second week of the month. I'm really proud of us for successfully doing this recording, despite the week being difficult for us. And I'm proud of us for recording six songs this year — arguably the most difficult year of my life.
Sidenote: Greg is in this episode eating the weirdest freaking dinner.
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I'm a part of this really cool project, created by St. Clair Detrick-Jules, where immigrants from all over the world share an object that they came to the U.S. with when they immigrated. For my object, I chose my mom's wedding rings. In Korea, at least in my parents' generation and before that, it was customary to give your wife two wedding rings that she would wear together on the same finger. I did some research that I will share on tomorrow's episode! But these rings are precious to me because they became my wedding rings. And 아빠's wedding ring became Greg's. 아빠's cancer, Greg's and my wedding, the pandemic, these rings, and a jewelry store 아저씨 in 한아름, all come together to make a very unique and memorable story about these rings.
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My hands and feet are swelling. My fingers look like Vienna sausages. My rings don't fit anymore, so I've had to reconfigure how I wear my rings. I've pulled out an old ring and started wearing it because it's big enough to fit, when usually it's too big to wear on most of my fingers. The ring is one of my mom's two wedding bands — in Korea, you stack two wedding bands as your wedding ring set.
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This is my first Father's Day without 아빠. Greg and I have made a tentative plan for Father's Day, both honoring him and my dad.
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It took a long time for me to feel comfortable to tell people I was pregnant. It was hard to navigate grieving a death, while creating a life. I had so many complex emotions come up during this grief-pregnancy journey. Also, I remembered the power of slowing down this weekend. When I slow down and look around, I notice everything that's always been there. I see things with new eyes — with clarity. On Saturday, I was amazed by the wind, the trees, the leaves, the sky, and the clouds. I was amazed by the interconnectedness of the world, and how we can't exist without each other.
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I announced my pregnancy via newsletter and Instagram today, and I felt incredibly loved and hugged by all the texts, emails, comments, and messages of kindness and congratulations. Greg and I also had a 삼겹살 party with our friend Aiyana and talked about our families, immigration, and trauma. Today was a really good day. Life is tragic, and it's beautiful, all at once.
Read our Newsletter on Substack: https://jieunandgreg.substack.com/p/our-first-child-coming-this-fall
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Friendships, Part 2. I used to struggle with a lot of codependence and enmeshment in my relationships and friendships. I used to go after emotionally reserved people, or people who seemed really cool, or people who seemed like they needed help being fixed. I used to do their part in the friendship, along with my part, and carry heavy bitterness and resentment that I didn't discuss with them. These days, I'm learning to let people be who they are and where they are. I'm learning to let people be where they're at. I'm learning to try and not fix or save people. I'm learning to value myself enough to honor my own boundaries, and not do more than I have the capacity to do. My friendships are getting better. I've lost a lot of the unhealthy friendships. I'm maintaining the friendships that are important to me. And I'm building new friendships with people who are willing to reciprocate the effort.
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Up until the age of 30, I erased myself, suppressed myself, and masked myself in friendships. A core belief I had was that, if I showed up fully as myself in my friendships, all my friends would leave me. The shitty reality is that, when I started showing up in my friendships as my full self, a lot of people did leave me. I was too scared to lose those shitty friendships because I believed crumbs were better than starving. But I didn't realize that being full was an option. And I didn't realize how much of me had to die in order to maintain these empty, one-sided, imbalanced friendships. I'm proud of the Jieun who had to erase herself to survive and find belonging. And I'm proud of the Jieun who had the courage to be her whole self.
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Pregnant women should get paid for bringing human life into the world. Women should get paid more than men because we have to bring life into the world, and we have to deal with our bodies ovulating every month before we decide to bring life into the world. Pregnant women are not supported enough through their pregnancies. But the sad and enraging thing is, dying people are supported even less. The death industry is nothing like the birth industry. Pregnant women should be getting free car rides, free groceries, and free baby products (strollers, baby carriers, prenatal vitamins, etc.). The wealth gap in New York City is absolutely disgusting. I picked up a free West Elm armchair and a 50-inch Samsung television last week.
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I have a very big announcement.
Support the Podcast, become a Patreon Member: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼
In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community.
Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro.
Here are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member:
① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
② Choose a membership tier
③ Enter your payment info and subscribe
④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌
June is going to be a really hard month. June 16 is Father's Day. June 26 is the 9-month anniversary of 아빠's death. June 30 is 아빠's birthday — he would be turning 64. And June 30 is also the day we met with 아빠's neuro-oncologist, after his final brain CT scan, and found out that his cancer had spread to his brain stem, and likely other places in his body, which we ended up confirming a week later. June was when my dad started dying. I don't know how, but I will survive it. But it will be a hard fucking month for me, for us.
Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼
In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community.
Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro.
Here are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member:
① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
② Choose a membership tier
③ Enter your payment info and subscribe
④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌
We recorded our May song today, and it went really well, despite my being sick, not getting enough sleep, and being in less-than-ideal condition overall. Our May song is "Old Light." It's a song about hope's existence in the dark places. It's about how hope exists, persists, and endures, through all things. We'll be releasing it on bandcamp tomorrow.
Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼
In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community.
Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro.
Here are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member:
① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
② Choose a membership tier
③ Enter your payment info and subscribe
④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌
We recorded our fifth song of the year today, with my congested nose, my phlegmy throat, my throbbing head, and my exhausted body. I did small things to try to build up capacity, like put on makeup, put this nice-smelling hair oil on, eat a breakfast burrito from my favorite neighborhood spot, and go outside and get my body moving, even just a little. We even went to pick up two free Facebook Marketplace finds — a west elm armchair and a 50-inch Samsung TV. The world is still on fire, and I still feel like shit. And there are little victories and little joys that I have the privilege of experiencing today. I see my growth. I'm proud of all the work that I've put in to get here. I didn't get here alone. I'm thankful for everyone who poured into me so that I could be here, like this, today.
Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼
In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community.
Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro.
Here are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member:
① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
② Choose a membership tier
③ Enter your payment info and subscribe
④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌
Yesterday was a day where I felt like I was going against gravity. As soon as I gave into gravity, accepted my humanity, and made choices to adjust my schedule to allow for my own limitations, I felt less stressed. Why are white people often so oblivious to the existence or the comfort of others around them? Why are doctors' appointments so stressful to schedule, reschedule, and go to? Why don't we grow our teeth back like sharks? Why is life in New York City so chaotic?!
Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼
In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community.
Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro.
Here are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member:
① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
② Choose a membership tier
③ Enter your payment info and subscribe
④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌
The 8-month anniversary of 아빠's passing was hard. I think these summer months are going to be especially hard because that's when he started dying, and my body, mind, and spirit remember. The grief built up until Saturday, really hit hard on Sunday, and it's still here today. I watched videos of him because I really wanted to hear his voice. I realized that the time we had with cancer, although it was excruciating, the time was also a gift, where we could do and say the things we wanted to say before things got really bad. Obviously I wish he never had cancer and didn't die, but I was able to feel gratitude for these videos that we took of him. He said a lot of the things he wanted to say before he died. And for the things he couldn't say, he did them. And we also had the time to say and do things for him before he died. And while I wish he were still here, I'm glad we have these memories in the form of these videos. I want to make sure I take it slow for these next four months. They're undeniably going to be difficult. I will survive them. But they will be hard.
Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼
In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community.
Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro.
Here are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member:
① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
② Choose a membership tier
③ Enter your payment info and subscribe
④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌
These last five years, I've been on a journey of being the most myself that I can be, and giving less fucks about what other people will think about me. Grief has made me give way less fucks than ever before. I'm proud of the way that I'm fundraising this year. I'm just honoring my very limited capacity and not pushing myself too far beyond my boundaries, and then feeling resentful and bitter for doing too much and not getting enough back in return. I'm proud of myself for continuing to learn how to untangle my worth from the external validation of others. I'm proud of myself for surviving the most nightmarish year of my fucking life. I'm proud of myself for every little thing I did and didn't do to get here. I'm even proud of every mistake I made along the way, because it got me to where I'm at today. I'm so fucking proud of you, Jieun.
Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼
In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community.
Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro.
Thank you, Lindsey Fiegelman, for being the second person to become a Patreon Member during our AANHPI Patreon Fundraiser! In this episode, I read my essay, "The Resilience and Strength of the Humble Dandelion." This is why I chose the dandelion to be our Patreon gift this year.
Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼
In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community.
Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by New Jersey-based South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro.
Here are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member:
① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
② Choose a membership tier
③ Enter your payment info and subscribe
④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌
Click the button below and become a Patreon Member today.
Shoutout to Sharon for becoming our first Patreon Member to subscribe during our fundraiser! An epiphany that I had today, while I was talking to Greg, was that I've been unknowingly living by this mantra for the last year: "I'm going to do what I can, when I can, with what I have." And it's kind of mind-blowing what I can accomplish and achieve when I lower the bar and give myself a fighting chance to win. I feel so much better about myself when I'm not berating myself for not being able to achieve something impossible, when I have -1000 in the tank. And from this place of pride in myself for simply existing, the byproduct is joy and creation. That's pretty fucking cool.
Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼
In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community.
Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro.
Here’s are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member:
① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
② Choose a membership tier
③ Enter your payment info and subscribe
④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌
Become a Patreon Member today.
I recorded this episode so late because I was working on sending out our newsletter announcing our Patreon AANHPI Heritage Month Special Offer, creating graphics, and sharing the announcement on Instagram. Dandelions hold a lot of meaning to me. I feels like they accurately represent us and our year — resilient, resourceful, and persevering. They miraculously grow out of places that nothing should grow. Out of death, springs new life. Out of devastation, springs beauty.
Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌸 For the month of May, I will be fundraising for our salaries on Patreon. If you have benefited from this podcast, our music, my writing, or any other art we've created, we invite you to subscribe and become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
Humans need rest! Rest is so hard for me. I burnt myself out and had to pay for it. And I'm still paying for it. I'm learning how to rest and take care of myself better, but over-functioning is a really hard habit to break for me.
Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month! For the month of May, I will be fundraising for our salaries. If you have benefited from this podcast, our music, my writing, or any other art we've created, we invite you to subscribe and become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
I watched a very beautifully filmed documentary short called "Sammy's Final Arrangement," by Oof Stories. You can find the film on Vimeo, and I highly recommend it. He talks about life and death, and how death is a catalyst for life. I don't know if I completely agree, because I think death is also just death. But I do think that being so close to death makes you realize just how short life really is. Some grievers hate flowers — I happen to love them even more in grief. They brought beauty to a really devastating and dark thing that happened to me. I feel like I see so much meaning and beauty in so many things in the aftermath of 아빠's death. I also feel the weight of tragedy and suffering in so many things in the aftermath of 아빠's death. Grief is to constantly live in the tension.
Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month! For the month of May, I will be fundraising for our salaries. If you have benefited from this podcast, our music, my writing, or any other art we've created, we invite you to subscribe and become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
I finally went to the dentist and got my crown placed! But I have to go back because it doesn't fit quite correctly, but I'm basically done, and now I have a tooth where I haven't had a tooth for over a year. In other news, I was able to get a dentist appointment to get work done on this cavity tomorrow, but bad news — it's looking like I'll probably need a freaking root canal. So the dental saga continues. I wish we were like sharks and could constantly regenerate teeth. I think God really messed up in their design of us. And I think evolutionarily, it just makes sense to have humans, and all animals, regenerate teeth. We have to use our teeth all the time!
Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month! For the month of May, I will be fundraising for our salaries. If you have benefited from this podcast, our music, my writing, or any other art we've created, we invite you to subscribe and become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
My final appointment at the dentist for the freaking dental implant is TOMORROW — at 8:30 in the morning. I am so tired. I went to Asian Comedy Fest yesterday to see Youngmi Mayer. I saw Chewy May there and we caught up — we performed together back in May 2021 and connected on our shared experiences with cancer. On Saturday and Sunday, I'm going to the Asian Creative Festival to get inspired, connect with other artists, and finally meet my friend and filmmaker Zach Han. He is debuting his short film, Piano Practice, at the Asian Creative Festival, and we will be meeting for the first time, after connecting over Instagram last July. We connected over cancer when 아빠's health was declining rapidly, and we've been friends ever since. Please pray that I somehow find the energy to make it through the rest of this week and weekend. I hate how chaotic May feels.
In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our salaries. If you have benefited from this podcast, our music, my writing, or any other art we've created, we invite you to subscribe and become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
The grocery store dilemma continues. I went back to Trader Joe's for the first time in a few months, and I felt like I was going back to an ex-boyfriend, after moving onto a new boyfriend. I think we might go back to Trader Joe's, but I'm not totally certain. Also, at the end, I've included a hilarious clip that you definitely need to listen to. Three words: Mini horse kittens.
In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our artist salaries. If you have benefited from this podcast, our music, my writing, or any other art we've created, we invite you to become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
Mother's Day weekend hit me hard. The grief of Mother's Day can't be felt without thinking about 아빠. But there's so much grief with 엄마, too, because 아빠 died. The whole family structure shifted when 아빠 died — the relationship I had with my mom changed after he died. We got her a dozen red roses and a cake — now it's up to Greg and me to carry out the Mother's Day traditions that 아빠 used to do for my mom. I'm proud of myself for processing and alchemizing my grief though writing and sending out a newsletter. I'm proud of myself for giving myself the space to have a complicated Mother's Day.
In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our artist salaries. If you have received support or comfort from this podcast, or any other art we've created, we invite you to become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
As Mother's Day comes closer and closer, I feel the anticipatory grief of the day getting more and more intense. There needs to be a manual for grief — someone needs to tell you all of the things you need to know once your dad dies. Someone needs to tell you that Mother's Day will be difficult for you because you will miss all of the things he would do for your mom, like buy her a dozen red roses and a cake. Someone needs to tell you that you will grieve the way he would lift your mom's spirits with his jokes, his laughter, and his general upbeat and lively personality and energy — he was really good at seeing the brighter side of things. Someone needs to tell you that you will grieve the FaceTime call you would get from him where he'd wish you a Happy Mother's Day, even though you weren't a mother. Someone needs to tell you that you'll miss his accent and the way he would say Happy Mother's Day — "해피 마더스데이!" Someone needs to tell you that you will miss every smile, every moment, every laugh, every sound, of your 아빠, because you will never get it back. Someone needs to tell you these things. Someone needs to tell me these things. So I guess I'm telling me. And I'm telling you, too. We're not alone on this complicated Mother's Day.
In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our artist salaries. If you have received support or comfort from this podcast, or any other art we've created, we invite you to become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
I had a big grief wave hit me after I recorded yesterday's podcast episode. I was surprised by it, but this is the nature of grief. Grief has no shape, it has no one road it travels on. It ebbs and flows, it bounces around, it slows down, and it ramps back up. Mother's Day coming up is surprisingly bringing up a lot of grief for me this week, because of the state of my relationship with my mom, but also because
아빠 isn't here to do the things he would do for my mom on Mother's Day. He would buy her a dozen red roses and a cake — he can't do that anymore. These special days will continue to bring waves of grief. Last Sunday was 어린이날 (Children's Day) and yesterday, Wednesday, was 어버이날 (Parents' Day). And May is a month where Koreans celebrate family. I never grew up celebrating these Korean holidays, but it made me think about how my parents celebrated 어린이날 and 어버이날 when they were kids, into adulthood, before immigrating to America. So much was lost in immigration. So much is lost in death. This week is extra grief-filled, and it makes complete sense.
In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our artist salaries. If you have received support or comfort from this podcast, or any other art we've created, we invite you to become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
Yesterday and today felt like summer. Every time the seasons change, I'm reminded of 아빠. I feel more grief-heavy, I feel more depressed. I've noticed that it has happened with every season change since he died. The summer will be especially difficult because this time last year was the most traumatic summer of my life. My dad started dying last summer. I'm stressed about Mother's Day. I'm stressed about having to go down to Virginia in a couple months. I'm stressed about having to start talking to my mom at some point. The death of my dad is still heavy, but I feel like I'm supposed to be "more over it" at this point, which is a judgment and isn't true, but it's how I feel.
In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our artist salaries. If you have received support or comfort from this podcast, or any other art we've created, we invite you to become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
I'm a part of a neighborhood Facebook group, and lately, wealthy, privileged, white women have been in the group asking for cheaper Thai food, cheaper nails, and a cheap transcendental foot and leg massage. I've had to say something because I can't just let these women say this shit. But I also hate that I have to say anything, and I hate that these women don't see Asian service industry workers as human beings. They are not your servants — they are human beings who are trying to make a livable wage and survive in this capitalist, garbage country, while serving your privileged ass. What kind of world are we living in where the Met Gala — a place where rich people come to show off their opulence — is held the same night that bombs are dropped on children, women, and men — human beings — in Rafah? Art is supposed to say something that matters. Art is supposed to challenge the status quo. Art is meant to be a resistance. I want to live in a better world. This is not it.
In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our artist salaries. If you have received support or comfort from this podcast or any other art we've created, we invite you to become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community (that's you!). If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
I need to rest! The last week and a half were absolutely insane, and I hit a wall on Sunday, after everything I did, socially, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have a hard time acknowledging or accepting my limitations and capacity. I'm getting better at it, but it's still a personal struggle of mine.
In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our artist salaries. If you have received support or comfort from this podcast or any other art we've created, we invite you to become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community (that's you!). If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
Greg and I are hosting the May Return to 정 Gathering, and I'm both really nervous and really excited about it. I also can't believe that I'm in a place where I want to invite people into my home. I've come a long way over these last seven months. We're going to eat together and share stories with one another. I'm excited to share Korean food together, while sitting on the floor in our living room. I'm excited to cut fruit for the people who come over. I'm really proud of myself.
The saga of my dental implant continues. I had a really good conversation with my friend Sonny today. We've known each other since 2012, since I was 23 years old. We met in Los Angeles, working for Liberty in North Korea together. We lived together for six months. We lived in a van together for ten weeks. He's been a brother to me throughout the last 12 years. I'm so grateful to have him in my life as a steady, consistent friend. He reminds me of who I was in my 20s — adventurous, passionate, idealistic, brave. I feel transported back to those sparkly days in Harbor City, in the intern house, hanging out and having conversations until late into the evening. Those days of living without really having to think about adult things. Those character-forming days of my 20s. 20s Jieun paved the way for 30s Jieun. I'm in awe of my past selves, my past lives. It was messy, it was imperfect, it was painful, and it was beautiful.
Happy Asian Pacific American Heritage Month! Support your favorite independent Asian American artist (me!) and become a Patreon Member today: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg.
I feel like I'm in bloom. I serendipitously, 인연스럽게, ran into my old friend from elementary school — Cardinal Forest Elementary in Springfield, Virginia! — while Greg and I were coming out of the train station to go to Duane Reade. She was holding up her Citibike, Greg and I were standing on the crosswalk and sidewalk, and we caught up for an hour on all the years of life lived, on the corner of Flatbush and Park. I felt transported back to my elementary school days, Springfield, and the way that place formed, broke, and built us. I just could not believe that a slice of my past life was being recreated 30 years later on the streets of Brooklyn. What kind of magic is this? I invited her to be a part of the Return to Jeong group. We took a photo and it just blew my mind, that all these years later, here we are, together again. I feel like I'm finding my way back to myself, but I also feel like a renewed, new self. I feel like I'm being resurrected from the ashes of these last four years. I feel so much more like me than I've felt in a really long time. I missed Jieun. But I also really like this new Jieun. I am incredible proud of myself, and all the work that's gone into forming this incredible woman — me.
Happy Asian Pacific American Heritage Month! Become a Patreon Member today: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
We released our fourth song of the year and I can't freaking believe it!!! "Prospect Park" is available on bandcamp now — listen to it and buy your own personal copy today: https://jieunandgreg.bandcamp.com/track/prospect-park.
Become a Patreon Member and support the podcast and all of our artistic projects: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
I am floored at the fact that we've actually recorded a song every month. I'm also floored by the fact that I've been recording a freaking podcast episode every day (minus the weekends) for the last four fucking months. This podcast has been immensely helpful to me in my grief. Recording these monthly songs is a direct product of recording this daily podcast. I have shown myself what I'm capable of, even in the midst of the literal hardest season of my life. I am immensely proud of myself. I am immensely proud of Greg. And I am immensely proud of us. We are surviving. We are persisting. We are fighting. We are enduring. We are still fucking here.
The massive wave of grief hit me the day after the 7-month anniversary of 아빠's death. My grief is shifting and I feel myself feeling more like myself. I kind of miss the old grief because I felt more connected to 아빠. The old grief felt comfortable — this new grief feels foreign and distant. I've been feeling an unexpected anger towards 아빠 lately. The anger is coming from a place of feeling like he's the reason that I've been suffering so much. It feels wrong to be angry at someone for dying. I'm stressed about releasing our fourth song of the year tomorrow. But we'll get it done. This grief is heavy, but I'm still surviving.
Support the Podcast: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
Today is the 7-month anniversary of 아빠's death. I had my psychiatry appointment, I trained to Long Island City to eat dinner with Greg at Mokja (he drove). I ate 돼지불고기 and Greg got 물 냉면, and they were both really good. Then we went to 한아름, got a bunch of groceries, sat in the H-Mart parking lot, drank our drinks, ate our snacks, and drove home. Today was the least difficult death anniversary out of all of them, which feels both feels good and sad. I feel myself feeling more like myself, and that comes with its own grief. But ultimately, I am grateful to be feeling more like myself.
Support the Podcast: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
We successfully recorded our fourth song of the year! We recorded it in two days instead of one, and we recorded it a whole week early! Woohoo, progress! This song is called, "Prospect Park." I wrote it in April 2020, only a month into the pandemic when everything was shut down, while going on my daily morning walk around Prospect Park. I was surprised by how difficult this song was to record — I thought it was going to get progressively easier with each song we recorded. But I think each song has a life of its own. Tomorrow is the 7-month anniversary of 아빠's passing. We're going to 한아름 (H-Mart) tomorrow to eat dinner at the newly opened food court and to do our monthly Korean food shopping. It will be a hard day. But I will survive it.
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As a Korean American woman, an immigrant, and a child of immigrants, failure has never felt like an option. This drove me to be perfectionistic — my worth was tied to how well I performed in everything I ever did. Whenever I made every mistake, I didn't feel like I had failed — I felt like I was a failure. I have been trying to heal this part of myself, give myself space to fail, even if I'm in my 30s and it feels impermissible to fail "at this age." I'm learning to take pride in who I am, and I'm learning to look at my failures with a more true perspective, instead of hyper-focusing on them and warping the whole image. I am learning how to be proud of myself, even for the seemingly "littlest" things. I'm proud of you, 지은.
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I really wish I could be a wizard or a witch and bibbity-bobbity-boo all of my annoying chores. I wish teleportation was a real thing. I wonder if I need these superhuman powers because I live in New York City, where things like groceries, laundry, dishwashing, getting from one place to another, and generally existing is so much more inconvenient here than in other places? I miss Laundry City. I miss my apartment from when I was 22 years old that they're in the process of gut-renovating. I hate the sounds of construction. Why do I live here again? Haha, just kidding. Sort of. We love New York, we hate New York. <3
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I feel my depression lifting, my grief becoming easier to carry, and I feel both relieved and sad about it. I feel like the weather, the medication, and my own spirit are moving me into a new season of grief, where I can also experience joy and hope. I feel like I'm carrying my grief more skillfully. I feel more comfortable showing up in spaces with my grief. It doesn't feel like a scarlet letter anymore — it feels like a part of me, like an arm or a leg. My grief will continue to change, and I will continue to change. As someone who has become terrified of change in my 30s, I'm remembering that change can also be a great thing.
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I went to the Asian Boss Girl Meet-Up and I had a really good time. I met up with someone from the Return to Jeong group and we both found out we're from Northern Virginia, and even went to the same church. I'm learning how to carry my grief with me wherever I go — I'm learning how to weave it into my conversations with people. And my comfort with my grief makes me feel less stressed over socializing because I can just be fully me. I was reminded tonight how much I truly am an extrovert, and connecting with others really energizes me, even though it also drains me. Someone from ECAASU 2020 recognized me at the event, and that felt really nice. I recognized her, too, because her student organization was so pumped to meet us. It was just a really good experience, and I'm really glad I went, and that I'm finding a way to survive, despite all that I've been through. I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes. It feels like a miracle to be where I'm at right now.
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I got my oral surgery done this morning for my dental implant, and it could've definitely been worse, but I also hate going to the dentist and getting any work done. I also hate how entrenched in the patriarchy Korea has been for so many generations. Growing up, my mom told me that when women gave birth to boys, they would have a celebration, but when women gave birth to girls, they would cry. This is the type of society that my mom grew up in, and then she passed this self-hatred and internalized sexism and really harmful thoughts onto me. It's true that being a woman in the world is difficult — but instead of wishing that less women were born, I want to live in a world where being a woman in the world is not difficult. I want to live in a world where being a woman is celebrated, respected, and honored, in all the ways that it should be. I don't want women to feel the pressure to be perfect, or to fit into such a restrictive box of expectations and impossible standards. I want us to just be allowed to exist.
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I'm getting oral surgery for a dental implant tomorrow morning. I'm also going to the Asian Boss Girl New York City Meet-Up on Friday. Throughout my life, for most of my life, I have struggled with deep insecurities of not feeling feminine enough. I'm trying to retrain my brain to know and believe that I am feminine enough. That I could literally do anything, and that thing would be feminine — because I am a woman.
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On Sunday, we had our third Return to Jeong gathering and it was the best one yet! We shared food, we talked about identity, and we shared our different perspectives on our own Korean American experiences, as immigrants, first generation Korean Americans, transracial adoptees, descendants of Korean adoptees, and biracial Koreans. This community is something that I've needed for such a long time. I love how committed everyone is to learning and growing together. If you're Korean and you live in the New York City / Northeast area, come to one of our monthly Return to Jeong gatherings.
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I met with my grief group — in person! — for the second time on Saturday! We're trying to meet monthly, in addition to our biweekly virtual calls. We did this one potluck style at one of our grief friends' apartments. Greg came and got to meet all my grief friends for the first time. He said, "I loved how you all were able to weave grief in and out of your conversations so seamlessly. This is how it should be in all spaces." Grief should feel comfortable to talk about in all spaces. I'm hoping that, the more we talk about it, the more we can normalize talking about death and grief in other spaces, too.
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Greg and I bought and built an IKEA Stall shoe cabinet today. Maybe that doesn't sound that exciting to you, but I have been looking for a shoe storage solution for our apartment since 2022, after I sold our last shoe storage situation. I have bought and returned so many shoe racks and cabinets. I have done so much shoe storage research. Living in New York means having limited space. Living in New York means feeling excited when you finally figure out a shoe storage solution.
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I went on my morning walk! Whenever I feel proud of myself for doing something that's difficult for me or new to me, I simultaneously feel shame. The inner critic goes, "Why should you be proud of yourself for doing the smallest, most insignificant thing? Walking? Anyone can do that. Do you want a cookie? You should've been walking this whole time. You're lazy, you have no discipline, and you're not taking good enough care of your body, and that's why you haven't been walking. You should feel ashamed of yourself — not proud." This voice is there because it's been there since I was a kid. It has to do with how I was raised. But I'm learning to be the parent that I didn't get — the parent that I needed. I'm learning how to be proud of myself, even with shame barreling through, coming in so loudly. So, I'm proud of you, 지은.
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I'm going to try to reincorporate my morning walks into my daily routine again. My morning walks are my favorite way to start my day — listening to a podcast, walking around Prospect Park, and taking in all the scenes of nature. I'm also going to try to make 깍두기 and 무채 with the two giant 무 I bought from H-Mart a couple weeks ago. I've been incorporating more cooking, and Korean cooking, into our weekly rhythms, but these 무 are just sitting in the back of our refrigerator. I'm going to try to make something out of them.
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Grief comes up when the seasons change. Grief comes up when I change my winter clothes out for my summer clothes. Grief comes up when I clean my apartment. Grief comes up on the first warm day of the year. Grief comes up when so many people are out on the streets, living life and enjoying themselves. Grief comes up before I go to sleep. Grief comes up in my dreams. Grief comes up when I wake up in the morning. Grief lives with me. Grief is the life partner I never asked for. Grief is the lifetime-roommate I never wanted.
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Last Friday, there was an earthquake. Today, there was a solar eclipse — total in some places, but not in New York City. And yesterday, I cleaned our bedroom and our closets and figured out how to store a bike in the freaking closet. When you live in New York City, finding storage space and finding more efficient ways to store your stuff will make your freaking day.
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The struggle to sleep continues — but last night was the first night in a while that I was able to sleep through the night, even with a middle-of-the-night wake-up, so that's a win. I'm trying to have a better nighttime and sleep routine, so I tried sleeping earlier last night, I stayed off all screens 30 minutes before bed, I put my sleep mask on, and I counted sheep.
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In New York City, things that should be convenient — like grocery shopping and laundry — are the most inconvenient things that cause a legitimate amount of stress, in a city that's already pretty stressful. Today, we did our first full grocery run at Whole Foods in Park Slope — with an outdoor parking lot! And holy shit, it was a dream. When life is hard, not having to stress the fuck out about groceries is really nice.
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I feel enraged by the lack of support for grievers in the aftermath of a death that shattered their worlds. I feel enraged by our society's avoidance and fear of acknowledging and engaging with death. I feel enraged by how much attention is given to birth, and how little attention is given to death. I feel enraged by how much is expected of grievers disturbingly soon after they witnessed someone die right before their very eyes. I feel enraged by anyone asking grievers for anything, as if they have the capacity to give you anything when they just lost everything. I feel enraged by the number of people who will walk out of your life when you have nothing to give them anymore because they no longer see the value in you. I need people who are dying to have more dignified deaths. I need grievers to have more dignified bereavements.
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We released our March song of the month, "Blue Skies," on Sunday! I am incredibly proud of us. It's been really hard to follow through on our commitment to record a song every month of the year, but with some courage, vulnerability, and a lot of intentionality, we've done it every month so far. Recording this podcast every day has been a really helpful tool during the hardest time of my life. It's been my safe space to process my messy emotions. It's been a constant, even when I didn't want it to be. I hope you all like our newest release: "Blue Skies."
Listen to and Purchase "Blue Skies": https://jieunandgreg.bandcamp.com/track/blue-skies
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Greg's in this episode, but you mostly hear him eating pizza, ASMR-style. Tonight, I was a part of the first listening session, collaboratively hosted by Asian American Arts Alliance and Bang & Olufsen! I hung out with four other incredible Asian American artists — singers, songwriters, flautists, guitarists, pianists, and musical composers. I got to listen to our songs: Together Apart, Always, This Body, Brooklyn, and Blue Skies — which we just released yesterday! It was an incredible experience to hear our songs on super high-quality speakers, in community with other Asian American artists. It was especially cool to listen to our monthly songs on those speakers. I felt really proud of us.
Listen to and Purchase "Blue Skies": https://jieunandgreg.bandcamp.com/track/blue-skies
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We recorded our song of the month! Song #3, done! It almost didn't happen because we've both been sick for over a week, but we did it, and I'm proud of us, even if we had to record it three days before the end of the month. Actually, that's one day earlier than the last two months, so progress!
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I'm finally starting to feel better! AND MY DRIVER'S LICENSE WITH MY NEW PICTURE AND NEW LEGAL NAME FINALLY CAME IN THE MAIL! I was worried about looking bad in the photo, but I look beautiful. And I'm actually really glad I had to take a new picture because it represents who Jieun Ko is. I look sophisticated. I look deep. I look strong. I look firmly rooted in who I am. This photo represents all that I've been through over these last four years — cancer, death, so much loss, and grief. I see so much pain in this photo, but I also see an immense amount of strength. Seeing my driver's license reminds me of the long road I've been on to being Jieun and becoming Jieun — it started in 2021, and we are still on this journey, but in 2024, I got my driver's license to officially reflect back to me exactly who I am: Jieun Ko. I FEEL AMAZING! I feel so proud of myself.
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The massive grief wave of the 6-month anniversary hit me at 11:30 pm last night. We sang "happy birthday" in English and Korean to Gamja because it was her fourth birthday yesterday, and that's what opened the floodgates for me. It reminded me of all the traumatic birthdays we, as a family, had to endure last year. This was the first time singing "happy birthday" to someone since my mom's birthday, which was the day after 아빠 died. I created an Instagram post to commemorate 6 months without 아빠. I wept scrolling through pictures on his phone. I wept thinking about all the ways that I miss him. I woke up crying, weeping, wailing. Greg sat with me through my tears. He is the greatest partner I could have ever asked for. Crying all those tears felt like a draining of all the pent-up grief from the last month of feeling too overwhelmed to engage with it.
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Today, Tuesday, March 26, 2024, marks 6 months without 아빠. I'm sick so I slept a lot. I took a COVID test and it was negative. We didn't go to the driving range in Queens. But I did still want to go to Hanareum (H-Mart), so we decided we'd still do that. We talked about how going to H-Mart could be my way of observing every month's death anniversary. We talked about how going to H-Mart could be a way for me to connect with 아빠 and myself. We talked about how eating Korean food lately has felt incredibly healing for me. For dinner, we ate twigim mandu, samgyupssal, and sullungtang at Taste Korea 232. We drove to Hanareum in Long Island City and got all the comfort foods and snacks. We ate some snacks in the car, while parked in the parking deck, looking at the New York City night skyline. And then we drove home. Today, I felt grief and sadness. But I also felt joy, hope, and excitement. That was a gift from 아빠.
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I am still sick. I hate how my parents never gave me space to be sick, and I hate that they never gave themselves space to be sick. I hate that occupation, war, and trauma caused them to be stuck in a lifetime of survival mode. I hate that that trauma was passed down to me, through them. I wish that immigrants had more privileges and opportunities. I wish that healthcare was not a privilege for the rich, but a right for all humankind. Being sick is reminding me of all the injustices that the Korean people have had to endure for generations and generations. I am trying to break the cycle.
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I almost forgot to record this episode today. That's how disoriented I feel, from continued sleep deprivation, struggling with a cold, and adjusting to taking medication. I literally got out of bed — after trying to fall asleep for an hour — to record this episode.
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I have a cold. I hate being sick — I really struggle with being sick, validating that I'm sick, and taking care of myself when I'm sick. I also started taking Zoloft three weeks ago after being off of anxiety and depression medication for a year — and that is the culprit of my insomnia.
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Grief makes sleeping so much more difficult, which is shitty because grievers need sleep. Intrusive thoughts, memories, and a brain and body filled with grief — love with nowhere to go. The struggle to sleep continues, but last night was better than the night before.
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Human beings need sleep. I don't know how I functioned at such a high level in my 20s on such little sleep, but in my 30s, I cannot function without sleep. Also, my gums hurt so much from over-flossing. These are a few of the impacts of aging on this human body.
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Cleaning my space makes such a massive impact on my mental health. I was reminded of that on Sunday. The thought of cleaning my space felt massive, daunting, overwhelming, and impossible, to the point where I could not engage with it. But by dealing with the mess one task at a time, those tasks added up, and I had a much cleaner space. And I think this concept can be applied to life, too. Things feel impossible sometimes, and we get overwhelmed. But we just have to take things one step at a time, and slowly but surely, we can rebuild.
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Grief doesn't end. It doesn't get easier either. It's a constant ebb and flow of sadness, anger, regret, and frustration. I think it's an injustice that we have to live with grief, from the moment we lose someone until the day that we die. That feels like an injustice.
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I have more thoughts on Avatar: The Last Airbender and how much I love the show.
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I recently started watching Avatar: The Last Airbender — I only started watching the show because it's an all-Asian cast. But as someone who is not a fan of fantasy or science fiction, this show is making me a believer.
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The seasons changing reminds me of 아빠. Ever since he died, every seasonal change has brought so much grief — summer to fall, fall to winter, and now, winter to spring. I think about what he would be doing if he were still here. I think about what we would be doing together if he were still here. The seasonal changes is a reminder of the passage of time — time I no longer get to spend with 아빠.
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I hate Daylight Savings Time. Socializing in grief is exhausting. I'm proud of myself for trying.
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I'm really grateful for solid friends who can create space for all of me — my joy, my sadness, my grief, my disappointment, my anger.
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I want to learn how to cook Korean food this year, but I hate cooking. I don't want the taste of home to disappear.
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The unrealistic and racist Korean and American beauty standards forced upon Korean American women are an injustice to all women. Fuck every person who ever told me my nose was flat, my face was flat, my head was big, or my body was fat.
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Greg and I slept in our bed and our bedroom for the first time last night. It was our first time sleeping in our bed and our bedroom since July of last year, since 아빠 died, since my mom slept in it for the last four months. And I am feeling massive grief. The grief is always there, like a constant hum in the background of my life. But there are times where it builds and grows, and eventually releases. That was today, while recording this episode.
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I'm experiencing the effects of burnout today. I can't bounce back like I used to in my 20s.
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Greg and I are going to learn our lesson from this experience and January's experience — we are not going to plan, record, and release a song in three days. I am exhausted today. I'm meeting with 4 people from my grief group tomorrow in person, and I am so incredibly excited about it. I can't wait to hug them. I can't wait to share the same physical space together. These women, along with the other members of my grief group, have helped me through these last three months of grieving 아빠. I am so grateful for their friendship.
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We did it! We recorded and released our second song of the year. The song is called "Brooklyn," and it's a song to remind you of your old self, a song to remind you that love is real. Go listen to it now, buy yourself a copy and support the artists (us), and tell us what you think: https://jieunandgreg.bandcamp.com/track/brooklyn.
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We successfully recorded our second song of the year. It went surprisingly well. When I tried to write the newsletter, I started weeping — that was also surprising. Today, Cat Janice died at the age of 31, of a rare and aggressive form of lung cancer. Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers as they continue to navigate the impossible grief that inevitably comes with the death of a loved one.
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Greg and I will be attempting to record our second song of the year tomorrow. I am going into this second recording expecting a lot of myself, but I want to try to go in with less expectations and more space. My goal is to create a little bit of space for hope, a little bit of space for joy, a little bit of space for fun, and a little bit of space for wonder. Here's to another first pancake.
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Today marks 5 months since 아빠 died. It was a hard fucking day — every monthly death anniversary has been hard, but today caught me off guard. The devastating reality that 아빠 really is gone, he really is dead, and I will never see him again in this life, hit me like a train this morning. It's also the first death anniversary that I've gone through without my mom. We were going to have a regular Monday, but given that I was weeping at 10:00 in the morning, we decided to shift gears today and do something to honor 아빠, by honoring myself and my needs. I left the house for the first time in 2 days today. I need new sneakers, so we went to Brooklyn Running to try on sneakers. We didn't buy any, but trying on shoes magically lifted my mood. We took the train into the city and I tried on some clothes — shopping and trying on clothes, even when I don't buy anything, truly brings me joy. I ate some candy — sour watermelon slices, peach rings, and Trolli Brite Crawler knockoffs — and I was reminded that candy can truly change your life. Greg made us spaghetti and meatballs and garlic bread for dinner. And then, by some fucking miracle, he found my airpods that have been lost for ONE MONTH! These airpods are like my security blanket — they have provided me an immense amount of safety and comfort over the last year. I also have a memory with 아빠 attached to them, so they're really special to me. And when you lose a person, losing things feels so much harder. Losing things comes with grief. I feel so much more attached to things than I ever have before. Even receipts feel sentimental. That was how I spent 아빠's 5-month death anniversary.
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I changed my mind — I hated yesterday's Death of the Party grief event. It was a very unsafe space for people of color, and more specifically, for me. The space was oppressively white, and I felt incredibly unsafe as the only Asian American attendee. It was not a safe space to have a non-Anglophone name. I automatically reverted back to my high school self, code-switching subconsciously to exist in that space. I hated the somatic experience — I hated touching strangers, and feeling like I had to do it because it was a part of the event. It felt like forced and rushed intimacy, much like my experience at church on most Sundays, and I hated it. The founder of the organization did some white-woman-cover-her-ass-everyone-is-suffering-equally bullshit, where she mentioned the immense privilege we have to grieve together, while the people in Gaza, Israel, Ukraine, Sudan, Democratic Republic of Congo, and even the U.S., do not. Saying that the perpetrators of a genocide don't have the space to grieve — just like the Palestinian people of Gaza — is an asinine and completely false thing to say. I didn't feel like I had the space to voice any of my rage, discomfort, or disagreement. It's not my fault. I am not responsible for other people's ignorance. I'm proud of myself for figuring out that this is not a safe space for me. I will not be going back.
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I went to the Death of the Party gathering tonight and I feel mixed about it. It was surprisingly good in some ways, and it was expectedly bad in others. It was good because I was able to connect with other grievers in my city — I felt my heart and mind expanding as I sat with people and held space for their grief, as they held space for mine. You just have no idea what people are carrying and dealing with. It was bad because it was supremely lacking in diversity, which I had anticipated. There were a total of 6 people of color at the event — 2 Asian Americans, 2 Latinos, and 2 black people — out of 25+ people. I wept, which surprised me. I felt so much love for strangers, which also surprised me. I think I'll go to another event. I'm really proud of myself for going and trying this out. I surprise myself in how brave I am.
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Grief is when the things that should be there are no longer there. My mom should be in the kitchen, sitting on the step stool. She should be filling our apartment with smells of food — 미역국, 볶음밥, 부침개, 김치찌개, 된장찌개. She should be folding the clothes that I left on my desk. She should be hanging my jacket in the closet. She should be taking the dog out for walks. She should be doing the dishes. She should be cleaning the floors, crouching down. She should be cutting fruit. She should be going on her morning walks and coming back around 9:00 or 10:00 am. She should be going to the grocery store to pick up bananas or grapes, whatever we're running low on, before we run out. She should be here driving me nuts. She should be here. I've been living with my mom since June 2023 — the longest time I've lived with her since I was a kid — which makes this separation hard. Her leaving has reminded me of what it felt like after 아빠 died — my whole life as I knew it, disintegrated into dust. Everything reminded me of 아빠, of what he should be doing that he will never do again. Everything I did felt like it had a massive hole in it, where 아빠 should be. My mom leaving is triggering a second massive grief. I'm doing better today, but it's still hard.
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Being separated from my mom — her being in Virginia and me being in New York — is causing a compounded grief that has been hard to carry today. On the other side of my anxiety from yesterday, is a heavy depression. They say our grief doesn't shrink — we grow around it. And I believe that to be true. I feel myself growing around it, but it still feels massive. Today, I'm reminded of all that I've lost — the old me, the old 엄마, 아빠, our old life. Our family dog, Sadie. This is an impossible reality to live in, an impossible reality to accept.
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Setting a boundary is hard for the boundary-setter. My mom is alone, for the first time in her 62 years of life, and for the first time in my 35 years of life. Greg drove down to Virginia on Friday, and he drove back to New York on Saturday. When one parent dies, you become exponentially more terrified of your second parent dying. When you're an only child, the thought of your remaining parent dying feels like the scariest thing in the world because they are the only other person remaining in your nuclear family. I've been feeling really anxious since she left on Friday — is she okay? Is she eating? Is she drinking water? Is she going on her morning walks? Is she lost in her depression? Is she taking care of herself? I've always felt like my parents' parent to some extent, but it's become so much more extreme as I've become an adult, since I've become 아빠's caregiver, and since 아빠 died. I'm trying to let go of that fear and control over my mom's life, health, and well-being. But it's really, really hard. Her leaving feels like a second death.
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Greg drove my mom back to Virginia today. Harrie and I stayed back in New York. This was a boundary that I set for myself because her being in New York has not been working — we have been getting into massive fights — and I finally admitted and accepted that this is our current reality. Setting boundaries with my mom has always been hard for me, but it's especially hard right now because 아빠's gone, and she's my only living parent now. When the reality set in that 아빠 was dying, I immediately knew I wanted my mom to live with us — the thought of her living alone gave me anxiety and was not an option for me. But the reality is that we can't live together in the current mental state that she's in. She needs to get help, but there is such a large stigma on getting help for psychological issues, so she keeps refusing. But if she continues to refuse to get help, then our relationship will have to become more distant. As an anxiously-attached only child with only one living parent, this is such a difficult decision for me to make. I feel shitty that my mom is going to be by herself. But I have to remember that this is her choice. And I can't keep being her teacher, therapist, mom, and savior. I have to take care of myself. I matter, too. Greg said this to me today — "You have done enough." I struggle to accept this truth, but I have done enough. I have done more than enough.
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I've been actively, consciously, and intentionally setting boundaries with the people in my life since 2019. My first big boundary-setting moment was when I finally decided to confront my therapist, who I had been seeing for over a year, about how terrible of a job she was doing as my therapist — rolling her eyes, looking at me judgmentally during sessions, and saying wildly inappropriate, invalidating, and harmful things to me. I confronted her passively and fearfully, but I did it. She did not validate my experience. I ended therapy with her. This was huge. I hugged her at the end of our last session, which I feel sad about — I feel sad that I felt like I needed to take care of her and make her feel better, when I was her client, and I was the one who was treated like shit during my sessions that I had paid for. But this experience was a pivotal moment for me. This experience was a catalyst for me in setting better boundaries, trusting my intuition, and standing up for and protecting myself. I have grown so much in my ability to set boundaries. I often feel like I should be better at setting boundaries than I am, but when I think about this moment of setting my first big boundary, I can see that I have come so incredibly far. And I'm doing a fucking phenomenal job.
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Today is Valentine's Day. I cried over 아빠. Greg put up all of our Valentine's Day decorations around our apartment. He bought me flowers. He bought my mom red roses, like 아빠 would. He bought funfetti cake mix, baked a bunch of cupcakes, and we ate them. We ate Thai food at our favorite Thai restaurant in the neighborhood, Nourish Thai. I talked to my grief group about how hard today was, and we swapped stories and memories about our parents. Today was the least shittiest Valentine's Day I could've had. This was Greg's and my 12th Valentine's Day together. This was my first Valentine's Day without 아빠. I survived the day. That's a victory.
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Tomorrow is my first Valentine's Day without 아빠. I would've called him on this day. He would've sent me pictures of the dozen red roses and cake that he got my mom. I would've FaceTimed him and shown him our elementary school chic Valentine's Day paper heart decorations, strung from our ceilings and taped to our walls. He would've laughed. He would've been amazed and amused at my over-the-top-ness. This is one of my favorite holidays, strangely enough. None of that will be happening this year. These holidays come so fast, without any time to prepare for them, or recover from the last one. The grief waves that come with these holidays as a package deal are unpredictable, but they predictably always come. I miss my dad. I miss 아빠 so much.
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I spent 설날 with 8 strangers, 1 Instagram friend, and Greg, and it was one of the best 설날s I've ever had. It was my first social gathering since 아빠 died, so I was really anxious, nervous, scared, and worried about how to exist in a social space as my new self — Jieun without a dad. I almost didn't go because I was so anxious about it. But I mustered up the courage to go, and it couldn't have gone better or felt safer. It strangely felt like we all knew each other. The night felt like a giant hug. My friend Meeja was the one who put the gathering together — everyone who came was Korean American and interested in deepening their connection with their cultural identity. I felt filled with hope, joy, love, and laughter — things that I haven't felt much of in the last year.
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I love my grief group so much. We meet every two weeks on Google Meet, and shockingly, I always laugh my ass off when we get together. I also cry, but there is shockingly a ton of laughter. In the early days of my grief, I joined multiple white-led, white-dominant grief groups because I was desperate for a space to grieve and I could not find any POC grief spaces — so I just settled. But finding my POC, mostly Asian American grief group has been a true gift and a blessing during this impossibly difficult time in my life. I have never met these people in person, but I have so much love for them. When I'm with them, I don't have to pretend or mask. I feel comfortable and safe. I can just be my full self. They are one of the few good things that have come from losing 아빠, and for that, I am grateful.
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It's 설날 (Seollal) on Saturday, February 10, and I've been feeling anxious about the holiday since the beginning of January. In Korean culture, it's customary to honor your ancestors and late loved ones on this day, so I've been feeling this internal pressure to do all of the cultural, traditional things — that I've never done before — in honor of 아빠. But I have next to no capacity to do anything, so I've decided that whatever I end up doing is going to have to be enough, and I'm not going to put the pressure on myself to do all of the traditional things, like 제사 (jaesa). I will be virtually meeting with my grief group tomorrow, so that will be really good. And I might do something on Saturday — I'll see how I feel. I wish 설날 wasn't something my family and I lost through immigration. Through immigration, we lost so many things. There's a grief in this holiday — there's a grief in building 설날 traditions in my 30s, there's a grief in being separated from my homeland, my family, and my history for the majority of my life, there's a grief in 아빠 not being here anymore, and there's a grief in life being forever, never the same.
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I hate how much anti-Asian racism is casually and blatantly in so many movies and TV shows. Gilmore Girls, Rush Hour, Sister Sister, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, The Santa Clause, The Hangover — the list could go on forever. Even movies made as recently as 2023 include anti-Asian racism, like The Starling. But what's even more erasing is when we are no where to be found on the screen, as if we don't exist. Or if we are present, we are violently stereotyped, hyperfetishized, or demoralized. There is so much media where all the main characters are white, and every side character is a person of color (mechanic, plumber, grocery store clerk, barista). It's a slow brainwashing, where Asian Americans are taught to hate ourselves, make fun of ourselves, and feel embarrassed of ourselves. I see it all over music, too — Phoebe Bridgers (songs called Tokyo and Chinese Spaceship), The Japanese House (a 100% white woman), Carl Douglas (Kung Fu Fighting). Asian Americans have made huge strides in media. And yet, Hollywood has such a long way to go.
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I watched, "You Are What You Eat: The Twin Experiment" on Netflix tonight, and I am thoroughly disturbed by how gross, unjust, and unregulated the meat industry is. It has made me want to be more intentional about my food purchases and food consumption. I also learned so much. The Amazon is being continuously burned down to raise cows to feed beef to Americans. Pig excrement is kept in giant "lagoons" and when they get too full, the pig shit sprays out of sprinklers onto the farm, and onto their neighbors' homes, bodies, and land. Farm-raised fish are swimming in their shit all day, in overcrowded farms. It's so easy to not think about where our food comes from because we just pick it up at the grocery store. Also, it's hard to change our diets because culture is so intertwined into the food we eat. But I want to think about the pig-shit-sprinklers and the Amazon rainforest that's on fire the next time I want to eat pig or cow meat. And I want to find ways to keep culture while also taking care of my body and our planet.
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This episode is for Cat Janice, a 31-year-old musician, mother, wife, daughter, and friend, from Northern Virginia, who is currently dying. She is in hospice, after battling a rare form of lung cancer called Ewing-Like CIC-Rearranged Non-Small Cell Sarcoma. She was diagnosed in 2022. She just released her final song, "Dance You Outta My Head," and all of the funds that come from streams and purchases of that song, and any of her music, goes directly towards supporting her 7-year-old son, Loren, after she dies. People are streaming her music all around the world. It's a dream come true for her — but it's bittersweet. I feel so connected to her story. I just went through this with 아빠. Watching her die is reminding me that life is a gift. I think life after death, for the ones who remain, can feel more like a curse than a gift. Watching her hold onto hope, joy, and faith, even in the midst of her final days — on oxygen, on painkillers, in a hospital bed — is giving me the will to keep fighting, to keep living, to keep going. I wish this wasn't the end for her. I wish she could have kept on living.
Listen to Cat Janice's Music: https://open.spotify.com/artist/7kNpF2nj7eVgcVo8k6pWkz?si=ThRHJWpkR82TqRt9gRmwzg
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Today was an anxiety-filled, grief-heavy day. There is so much death language embedded in our colloquial, day-to-day language. If we compare the pervasiveness of death colloquialism to how deathphobic our society is, it's incredibly ironic and strange. I want to be a part of shifting our culture to using death language more intentionally — like when people are dying. I want to shift our culture away from using death language to describe extremities of emotions or experiences. Death is as universal as birth — yet, birth is talked about a million times more often than death. Birth is celebrated, while death is swept under the rug. Let's talk about death. Let's talk about grief. Let's normalize it, so we don't have to feel like aliens.
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I have a habit of tying the way others perceive me to my sense of self-worth and identity. I get anxious when I don't get a lot of external validation, after I do something incredibly vulnerable. I have a habit of changing my mind about a decision I felt confident about, if the way other people respond is not overwhelmingly positive. And even if the reception is overwhelmingly positive, whenever that external validation starts to wane, then the doubts start flooding in. I have come a long way in being able to self-validate and self-regulate, but it's still something I struggle with. And my anxious attachment and C-PTSD made their appearances after we released our first song of the year yesterday. Who I am does not change based on other people's opinions of me. The value of my art does not change based on other people's opinions of it. If I'm proud of it, I can remain proud of it. If I'm proud of myself, I can remain proud of myself.
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We did it — we released our first song of the year, “This Body,” today. I am so exhausted, but I feel victorious. "This Body" is a song I wrote in 2020. I wrote it as a declaration of truth over my body, after a long season of feeling deeply at odds with her. As a woman and a human who has lived in my body for 35 years, I have had a very difficult relationship with her. I have hated her for being too fat, too short, too disproportional. I have hated her for being wrong. I have hated her for being ugly. I have hated her for not being in my complete control. I have hated her for not being perfect. I have hated her for changing. I have hated her for not changing. This song is a love letter to my beloved body. This body that has kept me alive for the last 35 years. This body that has carried me through every season of life. This body that has survived millions of moments of love, joy, monotony, trauma, vulnerability, wonder, devastation, exhilaration, and everything in between. Thank you to our Patreon Members for funding this project and supporting us through the hardest season of our lives. You can listen to "This Body" on bandcamp today: https://jieunandgreg.bandcamp.com.
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We did it — we successfully recorded our first song of the year. We had multiple wrenches thrown into the system, making the recording experience more suboptimal than we anticipated, but we maneuvered our way through the obstacles like champions. Today was the least anxious I've ever felt while recording a song, and that is a victory. We successfully recorded a song today, and that is a victory. The last time I sang, and the last time Greg and I played music together, was when 아빠 was dying. A lot of grief came up as I prepared for today, along with a bunch of other emotions. We had a lot of obstacles set against us, and yet, somehow, we did it. It was a Herculean feat, and we did it. I'm incredibly proud of us for accomplishing our very big goal today. I'm incredibly proud of us for all that we've survived. I'm incredibly proud of us for making our first pancake today. And I'm incredibly proud of us for using our suboptimal ingredients of the day and making the best damn pancakes possible. Go us. Here's to more pancakes.
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We're going to attempt to record a song tomorrow (Tuesday), and then we are going to attempt to release that song on Wednesday. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety, fear, and nerves, but also a little bit of hope, excitement, and joy. I've learned about this concept of a first pancake through Mary HK Choi. It comes from an idiom, "The first pancake is always spoiled," which means: don't judge yourself too harshly when you're trying something new. The first pancake's role is not to be perfect or the best. Its role is to be the first. Complete, imperfect, in whatever form it arrives. Expect it to be raw in certain spots, burnt in certain spots, and lopsided — that's exactly what a first pancake should look like.
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Today marks the four-month anniversary of 아빠's death. I went to the social security office today to get my name changed on my social security card. I went with Greg, and the man at the booth assumed I was there to get my green card and that I was not an American citizen. "Do you need a green card?" "Are you a U.S. citizen?" This racist incident made me feel small, shitty, and insignificant. All this man saw in me was an Asian woman who was married to a white man. He made me feel like my decision to reclaim my name did not matter. I wish I could have responded more assertively, or at all, but I was too stunned to speak. I was stuck in freeze mode. My body did not feel safe, so it went offline. I guess this was my body's way of protecting itself, the best it knew how in the moment, but I wish I could have responded differently. Why is the responsibility felt so strongly by the victim, to fight for themselves in the perfect way, in a situation where they are being trampled? This racist incident should have never happened to me. This racist incident that I endured today is not my fault. It is the man's fault. My grief is so heavy today. 아빠 will never be alive again. I wish I could escape this nightmarish reality — but I can't. My grief is with me forever. I will miss 아빠 forever. My life is catastrophically changed forever.
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I wish my Complex PTSD could feel safe. I wish she could feel safe enough to rest, to believe, to trust. I wish she could feel safe enough to hope, to love, to live. I wish she could feel safe enough to feel joy, to smile, to laugh. I wish she could understand that living a life of fear and control does not protect us from life's suffering. I wish she didn't feel like she had to stomp out every positive-feeling-flame. I wish that positive feelings didn't feel like a threat to her system. I wish she understood that the fall from joy to pain may be long, but a lifetime of perpetual pain and monotony is intolerable. I am holding space for Complex PTSD Jieun, True Jieun, and all 35 years of Jieuns that I carry in my body, every day.
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Today, I was triggered by two separate Korean Americans making self-hating, anti-Asian "jokes" on social media. It reminded me of my past, and how I used to do the exact same thing. It makes me sad to think about how much I used to hate myself, without even knowing it. It makes me sad to think about how many times I abandoned and betrayed myself and my own community, just so I could fit in with people who blatantly disrespected me. It makes me sad to think about how much I wanted the approval of assholes. I hate that, as a child, I had to come up with these shitty survival tools, like making fun of myself, to survive in racist ass Virginia. Watching The Farewell in theaters with a bunch of white people — in New York City — was a pivotal moment for me and my racial identity. I want to live in a world where we don't look for belonging in unsafe places. I want to live in a world where we don't hate ourselves and where we come from.
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I went to the Kings County Civil Court office and picked up my official name change documents today. I felt sad about officially losing Chi Un Ko. I felt sad about losing a middle name. I felt ambivalent about getting the name change documents because, as much as I've loved being Jieun, being Jieun has also been incredibly hard. I also didn't realize that I've been going by Jieun for more than two years. I didn't realize it had been that long. After 아빠 died, I considered making his name my middle name. Preserving our Korean names, going by our Korean names, and pronouncing our Korean names correctly instead of anglicizing them — these three things are incredibly important to me. But these choices don't come with risks, sacrifices, and shitty experiences.
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I'm going to the courthouse tomorrow to pick up my official name change documents, so I can have all of my forms of identification reflect my real name. I get called "Chi" at all of my doctor's appointments and I don't like still having to be Chi in certain spaces. But I'm sad about officially losing Chi — she carried me through so many years and so much life. When 아빠 was dying and I was sharing videos of him and my family in his dying days, my friend said to me, "I don't understand how this is helping!!!" What a wretched thing to say to someone, in their most fragile and vulnerable moments of life. She was emotionally dysregulated by my grief, and instead of processing it on her own, she projected her dysregulation onto me. I wish I had told her to shut the fuck up. I dreamt about 아빠 last night. These days have been extra griefy. Grief will never leave. I'm proud of myself for continuing to exist, through the most excruciating part of my life. 잘하고 있어 지은아.
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What if we praised ourselves for the smallest of things? What if we praised ourselves on our worst days? What if we praised ourselves for simply existing? I am practicing praising myself for the smallest of things, for surviving my worst days, and for simply existing — because these are all epic feats, in and of themselves. Join me?
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Today was a very difficult day. C-PTSD is my very unstable friend, that I never asked for, who won't leave me alone. Fearful Jieun was kicked into high gear today — she has to take up all the space, and her warped opinions have to be the ultimate truth. Why do I have such a loud, critical internal voice during the moments when I need tenderness, kindness, and compassion the most? Why couldn't my parents have been better models of self-compassion, so that I wouldn't have to teach it to myself in my 30s? Grace for all of us — for not knowing, for trying our best, for falling short. It can't all be our fault. May we be brave enough to accept that we can't be in control of everything. May we be brave enough to sit in the anxious discomfort that bad things happen, and oftentimes, we cannot stop these bad things from happening in our lives. May we be brave enough to dispel the lie that our perfection could ever bring about a life free of suffering. May we be brave enough to persist forward.
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I gave my seat to an elderly Chinese man on the train this morning. He was probably in his 70s or 80s. He reminded me of 아빠. He only had one glove on, he was carrying a filled, light blue, plastic bag, he wore glasses, he was skinny, he was short, and he was a little hunched over. He looked like he had lived a hard life, as so many immigrants do. He probably got on at Grand Street, and he got off two stops later, at West 4th Street, Washington Square Park. When he got off the train, Greg sat next to me. I started weeping. It was such a tender and beautiful, human encounter. He made me realize that 아빠 and our family had been pulled through a time machine, going at warp speed through time. I watched 아빠 age and deteriorate, becoming 70, 80, and 90, all within three months. But at the end of it all, I'm still 35. And I have to make sense of the warp-speed dying process that I walked 아빠 through.
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It snowed last night, into this morning. The snow reminds me of 아빠. It reminds me that I can't call him, and he can't call me. It reminds me that I can't watch him show me on FaceTime how much it's snowing in Virginia. It reminds me that I can't show him on FaceTime how much it's snowing in New York. It reminds me of the words he would've said to me on a day like this — words he will never be able to say again, words I will never be able to hear again. "지! 옷 단단히 입어! 밖에 추워! 조심 조심!" I felt sad and anxious that I was missing the first snow in Virginia today, because 엄마 is here with us in New York. As a person who has always really loved the snow, the snow now brings up a deep grief in me. It reminds me that I can't share one of my favorite things with him ever again. It reminds me that 아빠 isn't here anymore.
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Thinking about anxious and avoidant attachment as a vending machine has been incredibly helpful for me — Fruit Snacks, Mentos, and Oreos. To all my anxiously attached homies out there — we deserve reciprocity, we don't have to earn love, worth, or approval, and we don't have to fix people. Let other people fix their own vending machines. Funny story: my mom put Nivea and Vaseline on her face and legitimately looked like a 귀신. I recorded a video of her, we laughed so hard, and these tender family moments always remind me of 아빠.
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My right eye has popped blood vessels. My mom made us 떡만두국 and told us a story about how, in the old days, Koreans only ate meat three times a year — your birthday, 추석, and 설날. Greg also told my mom that we were going to do her laundry — that she's refused to let us do — because her t-shirts have been looking a little 후졌어, and my mom and I burst out laughing. She's been doing her laundry by hand, in the bathtub, with bar soap. Laughing together makes me feel like 아빠 is with us. Over the last five years, my mom has been telling me more stories about her life in Korea — she doesn't tell me that many, but I really cherish the stories that she tells me, even if they're small. Remembering is hard. Grieving is hard. We press forward, together.
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I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, also known as C-PTSD. The two voices in my head — my voice, and the C-PTSD voice that goes into overdrive when I'm triggered — struggle to coexist and feel safe. Here is my metaphor for my C-PTSD — Hopeful Jieun and Fearful Jieun are sisters. Fearful Jieun has a hard time letting Hopeful Jieun drive the car of Jieun's Life because she believes that, whenever she lets Hopeful Jieun drive the car, she inevitably gets us into a car accident, and Fearful Jieun then has no choice but to take over and start driving. Fearful Jieun has no idea she's scared — all she knows is that she always has to be in control, she can't trust anyone, and the world is a dangerous place.
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I really didn't want to record this episode today because I really didn't want to feel vulnerable today. I think it's because I feel mediocre, and I feel mediocre because I tried to rest, and rest makes me feel very unproductive. I really struggle to rest. Intense feelings of mediocrity and shame come up for me when I try to rest. I have to go through 10 walls sometimes to finally succumb to my need to rest — that's how much I resist rest. Rest feels unproductive and lazy, but it's not. Rest is productive. I'm getting better at rest, but it's still hard for me.
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This episode is about how my morning walks have changed my life. It's about how much a messy space impacts my mental and emotional state. It's about being an Enneagram 8 and needing a place for all of my energy to go, especially when my anxiety is running high.
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Greg and I observed our 11-year anniversary today. On January 8, 2013, Greg and I met in a van, getting picked up by Liberty in North Korea, in the arrivals pick-up area of Los Angeles International Airport, sometime around 11:00 am PST. I flew in from Virginia. Greg flew in from North Carolina. I was 24. Greg was 23. 11 years later, we are still here. This is our first anniversary where my dad is not alive. This is our first anniversary without 아빠. All of my holidays are covered in grief. Surviving is the goal. Surviving is the victory.
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This episode is about self-righteous New York City bikers, those "I hate New York" moments, and giving myself permission to change my mind.
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This episode is about my struggle with people-pleasing, my new podcast called Morning Walks • 아침 산책, where I record the sounds of Prospect Park, anxious attachment, and getting my stitches pulled out four weeks after my dental implant surgery.
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This episode is about surviving salty days. This episode is about the ways that death, grief, and my life exploding, have made me care a lot less about things being perfect, ideal, or optimal.
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This episode is about grief. It's about a concept I learned about on Mary H.K. Choi's podcast, "Hey, Cool Life!" of taking the ingredients you're given in a day, and doing your best with them. It's about making a ten-course meal out of salt. It's about turning the black ink of loss splattered across the imperfect masterpiece of your life, into something resembling beauty, while also acknowledging that this black stain was never meant to be there. It's about honoring your shitty days and your good days, because they all matter and they all make up your beautiful, brutal life.
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This episode is about my first New Year’s Eve without 아빠. I did not know how massive the waves of grief would be on New Year’s Eve — December 31, 2023.
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An audio journal of my day on Saturday, August 26 to Monday, August 28, 2023. What it's like to take care of my dad who has stage 4 lung cancer (Non-Small Cell Lung Adenocarcinoma) with Leptomeningeal Disease, with Brain, Spine, and Cerebrospinal Fluid Metastases.
Venmo: https://account.venmo.com/u/jieunandgreg
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
The Ko Family's Cancer Gofundme: https://www.gofundme.com/f/emergency-funds-for-mr-and-mrs-ko
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jieunandgreg/
An audio journal of my day on Friday, August 25, 2023 — also known as Greg's 34th Birthday. A recap of our day, a birthday message to Greg, an audio clip of us sitting in the sounds of Sky Meadows State Park, and an audio clip of us walking through the woods.
Venmo: https://account.venmo.com/u/jieunandgreg
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
The Ko Family's Cancer Gofundme: https://www.gofundme.com/f/emergency-funds-for-mr-and-mrs-ko
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jieunandgreg/
An audio journal of my day on Tuesday, August 22 to Thursday, August 24, 2023. What it's like to take care of my dad who has stage 4 lung cancer (Non-Small Cell Lung Adenocarcinoma) with Leptomeningeal Disease, with Brain, Spine, and Cerebrospinal Fluid Metastases.
Venmo: https://account.venmo.com/u/jieunandgreg
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
The Ko Family's Cancer Gofundme: https://www.gofundme.com/f/emergency-funds-for-mr-and-mrs-ko
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jieunandgreg/
An audio journal of my day on Monday, August 21, 2023. What it's like to take care of my dad who has stage 4 lung cancer (Non-Small Cell Lung Adenocarcinoma) with Leptomeningeal Disease, with Brain, Spine, and Cerebrospinal Fluid Metastases.
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
The Ko Family's Cancer Gofundme: https://www.gofundme.com/f/emergency-funds-for-mr-and-mrs-ko
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jieunandgreg/
An audio journal of my day on Saturday, August 19, 2023, and Sunday, August 20, 2023. What it's like to take care of my dad who has stage 4 lung cancer (Non-Small Cell Lung Adenocarcinoma) with Leptomeningeal Disease, with Brain, Spine, and Cerebrospinal Fluid Metastases.
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
The Ko Family's Cancer Gofundme: https://www.gofundme.com/f/emergency-funds-for-mr-and-mrs-ko
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jieunandgreg/
An audio journal of my day on Friday, August 18, 2023. What it's like to take care of my dad who has stage 4 lung cancer (Non-Small Cell Lung Adenocarcinoma) with Leptomeningeal Disease, with Brain, Spine, and Cerebrospinal Fluid Metastases.
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
The Ko Family's Cancer Gofundme: https://www.gofundme.com/f/emergency-funds-for-mr-and-mrs-ko
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jieunandgreg/
An audio journal of my day on Thursday, August 17, 2023. What it's like to take care of my dad who has stage 4 lung cancer (Non-Small Cell Lung Adenocarcinoma) with Leptomeningeal Disease, with Brain, Spine, and Cerebrospinal Fluid Metastases.
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
The Ko Family's Cancer Gofundme: https://www.gofundme.com/f/emergency-funds-for-mr-and-mrs-ko
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jieunandgreg/
An audio journal of my day on August 16, 2023. What it's like to take care of my dad who has stage 4 lung cancer (Non-Small Cell Lung Adenocarcinoma) with Leptomeningeal Disease, with Brain, Spine, and Cerebrospinal Fluid Metastases.
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg
The Ko Family's Cancer Gofundme: https://www.gofundme.com/f/emergency-funds-for-mr-and-mrs-ko
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jieunandgreg/
For our January episode of Gajok, Greg and I had originally planned on talking about our hopes and dreams for 2023. But in light of the two mass shootings that devastated our community last week, we decided to make a shift. For this episode, Greg and I have an incredibly raw and honest conversation about the Monterey Park & Half Moon Bay Mass Shootings. We invited my best friend, Jingyi Wei, to have this difficult conversation with us. The three of us talk about the complex emotions that came up for us throughout the week following both mass shootings, our church community's disproportional response to the tragedies and how that impacted us, and the helpful things we've been doing to grieve, process, and heal.
Jingyi is a Chinese American woman, she is a high school science teacher in Brooklyn, she was born in Taiyuan, in the Shanxi province in Northern China, and she spent most of her childhood and adolescence in Northern California.
To our Asian American listeners, we hope this episode can be a balm and a safe space for you.
- Support Gajok on Patreon: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
- Learn more about us on our website: jieunandgreg.com
- Connect with us on social media: instagram.com/jieunandgreg & instagram.com/wearegajok
- Send us your thoughts and feedback: jieunandgreg@gmail.com
- Learn more about Asian Mental Health Project: asianmentalhealthproject.com
Host & Producer: Jieun Ko | Host, Producer, & Audio Engineer: Gregory Ko | Photo Credit: Mark Abramson, The New York Times
Happy New Year's Eve, friends! It's our final episode of the year. In this episode, Greg and I reflect back on 2022 — our greatest moments, our hardest moments, and our most memorable moments. We talk about my name reclamation from Chi to Jieun, meeting my best friend, Jingyi Wei, meeting my Asian American heroes, suffering through my dad's stage 4 cancer, facial paralysis, and hearing loss, losing many of my friends, playing shows again, and Greg's continuing battle with Borderline Personality Disorder. This episode is a beautiful, difficult, and honest conversation.
- Support Gajok on Patreon: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
- Learn more about us on our website: jieunandgreg.com
- Connect with us on social media: instagram.com/jieunandgreg & instagram.com/wearegajok
- Send us your thoughts and feedback: jieunandgreg@gmail.com
Host & Producer: Jieun Ko | Host, Producer, & Audio Engineer: Gregory Ko
This episode is a special one. It's about me, music, and all the ways that music has impacted me throughout my life. We go from the age of 3, all the way to 23, which is when I met Greg. This is the first episode of a multi-part series, where Greg and I tell our stories of how we became Jieun & Greg.
- Support Gajok on Patreon: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
- Learn more about us on our website: jieunandgreg.com
- Connect with us on social media: instagram.com/jieunandgreg & instagram.com/wearegajok
- Send us your thoughts and feedback: jieunandgreg@gmail.com
The photo used in the album art of this episode was likely taken by my mother. I think I was proud of my pterodactyl painting on the wall. I also am missing two bottom teeth. I was probably four years old, given my Lincolnia shirt, which is where I went to preschool.
Host & Producer: Jieun Ko | Host, Producer, & Audio Engineer: Gregory Ko
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/jieunandgreg/support
This episode is in memory of the eight victims who lost their lives in the Atlanta Spa Shootings last year, on March 16, 2021. I open the episode by reading a piece I wrote the day after the Atlanta Spa Shootings. Then Greg and I have a conversation about how we felt that day, all the days that followed, how we feel about it today, and how the Atlanta Spa Shooting changed everything for us. We then read and discuss an excerpt of a Vanity Fair article written by May Jeong, called, “How the Atlanta Spa Shootings — The Victims, The Survivors — Tell A Story of America.” We end with a poem I wrote the day after the Atlanta Spa Shootings called, “We Are Still Here.”
- Support Gajok on Patreon: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
- Learn more about us on our website: jieunandgreg.com
- Connect with us on social media: instagram.com/jieunandgreg & instagram.com/wearegajok
- Send us your thoughts and feedback: jieunandgreg@gmail.com
The photo used in the album art of this episode was taken by Philadelphia-based photojournalist photographer, Hannah Yoon, shortly after the Atlanta Spa Shootings. This is a photo of Gold Spa, taken on a rainy Friday, four days after the Atlanta Spa Shootings. You can find Hannah and her work on her website: hannahyoon.com
Co-host & Producer: Jieun Ko | Co-host, Producer, & Audio Engineer: Gregory Ko
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/jieunandgreg/support
This episode is in memory of Christina Yuna Lee. I open the episode by reading part of a tribute I wrote for Yuna. Greg and I then have a conversation about how we’ve been coping with and processing her death. We then move into sharing a few stories that were shared by Yuna’s good friends at Splice. And we close the episode by sharing letters that were written to Yuna. These letters were sent in to us, from Asian Americans across the country, as a part of a community-wide letter-writing initiative I started called: Letters for Yuna.
- Support the Christina Yuna Lee Memorial Fund: gofundme.com/f/christina-yuna-lee-memorial-fund
- Support Gajok on Patreon: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
- Learn more about us on our website: jieunandgreg.com
- Connect with us on social media: instagram.com/jieunandgreg & instagram.com/wearegajok
- Send us your thoughts and feedback: jieunandgreg@gmail.com
Co-host + Producer: Jieun Ko | Co-host, Producer, + Audio Engineer: Gregory Ko
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Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/jieunandgreg/support
Welcome to our first official episode of Gajok! We are Jieun & Greg, a Brooklyn-based, folk-soul duo, and the two hosts of this podcast. In this episode, I share my story of reclaiming my name. On December 31, 2021 — New Year's Eve — I decided to officially reclaim my birth name, Jieun, and surrender my anglicized name, Chi.
I open this episode by reading a letter I wrote called, “My Name is Jieun.” In the second half of this episode, I talk about what it was like to grow up as one of the only Asian Americans in my extremely white communities in Northern Virginia, how that affected the way I viewed myself, and how the last two years of extreme anti-Asian racism and violence has led me to an Asian American awakening, and ultimately, the decision to reclaim my birth name.
- Support Gajok on Patreon: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
- Learn more about us on our website: jieunandgreg.com
- Connect with us on social media: instagram.com/jieunandgreg & instagram.com/wearegajok
- Send us your thoughts and feedback: jieunandgreg@gmail.com
Co-host + Producer: Jieun Ko | Co-host, Producer, + Audio Engineer: Gregory Ko
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/jieunandgreg/support
Welcome to the introductory episode of Gajok! We are Jieun & Greg, a Brooklyn-based, singer-songwriter duo, and the two hosts of this podcast. During this episode, Jieun and I discuss what Gajok is, what it means, and our inspiration for starting this podcast. Jieun also shares about her life after her father was diagnosed with lung cancer in the summer of 2020.
- Support Gajok on Patreon: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
- Learn more about us on our website: jieunandgreg.com
- Connect with us on social media: instagram.com/jieunandgreg & instagram.com/wearegajok
- Send us your thoughts and feedback: jieunandgreg@gmail.com
Co-host + Producer: Jieun Ko | Co-host, Producer + Audio Engineer: Gregory Ko
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/jieunandgreg/support