Learn How You Can Grow Your Self-Confidence - Evan Marc Katz Blog: Recent Episodes
Evan Marc Katz
Debbie is 42. She went to an Ivy League school. She’s an entrepreneur who makes hundreds of thousands of dollars a year offering bespoke services for her high-end clientele.
On the other hand, she had a bad family upbringing, she’s never been married, and she has no kids.
Debbie’s story is not that unusual. Lots of women who had dysfunctional families grew up to be overachievers – to try to control their own destiny. Similarly, lots of them never found peace in their relationships because they were drawn to partners who resembled their toxic parents.
Debbie’s dilemma wasn’t whether she was smart, attractive, kind, or had a great personality. She knows her worth in life. Her insecurity is strictly about her inability to tell her story from a place of confidence when she meets new men.
The operative word here is shame. Even the most competent people have a level of embarrassment about their failures, especially ones they haven’t yet overcome.
Over the years, I’ve counseled women who have overcome sexual abuse, have been divorced three times, have had kids out of wedlock, are recovering alcoholics, have a history of mental and physical illness. All of them have the same concern: how do I tell my story without it being a total turn-off that drives every man to run in the other direction?
Today, I have an answer for you.
It’s a formula. I call it the Politician Speech. It’s basically the same answer you’d expect to get from a candidate in a presidential debate when they receive a tough question.
In this case, the tough question is: “why are you still single?” or “What happened with your last relationship?” A question so utterly predictable that leaves you feeling anxious.
You may think questions like this are like an attack, as if a stranger across the table is trying to judge you. That couldn’t be further from the case. In fact, if you’re on a date, that person probably likes you and has no understanding how you ended up at dinner with them.
Getting mad, defensive, or shutting down is the absolute WRONG way to handle these benign yet uncomfortable questions.
Here are the elements to a successful Politician Speech.
- You need to have a good relationship with your own story. If you’re still in pain about it, it’s hard to talk about it. If you’ve processed your pain and can see it from a distance, it’s a story of triumph.
- You need to tell the truth. This is why “I just haven’t met the right person” is such a lame answer to “why are you still single?” It’s not that it’s false. It’s that it doesn’t take any responsibility for WHY you haven’t met the right person.
- You need to add a measure of self-awareness and growth. It’s one thing to talk about struggles you’ve had; what your date wants to know is whether you’re past them or if your issues are still going to present a problem.
- You need to end on a high note. Just like any feel-good story, you want the person listening to feel positive about you so they can see a path to success.
Naturally, I figured this out from my own struggles. Remember, before I was a happily married dating coach, I was pretty much a mess.
Despite my healthy background, my drive, and my writing skills, at age 30, I was depressed, unemployed, anxious. I put all my energy into being a Hollywood screenwriter and I failed. It was impossible to have those failures not affect my mood or feelings about myself. One date even said that I didn’t need a girlfriend; I needed a shrink. She was right.
Then, at 31, I wrote a book and started dating coaching, in spite of the fact that I was still very much single.
Now imagine trying to tell my story on a date – a 34-year-old man who has never had a real job, has been on 300 dates, and has never had a girlfriend for more than 8 months.
“So, Evan, why are you still single?”
“It’s funny you should ask that. I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about it myself. I think it’s charitable to say that I was a mess in my 20’s. I came to Hollywood to write screenplays when all of my other friends from Duke were lawyers and bankers. And although I came really close to success a bunch of times – agents, managers, meetings at studios, etc – I never made enough to be a full-time writer.
And at some point, I had to admit that my dream was making me miserable and I had to pivot. Went to film school, got a job answering phones at JDate, and wrote a book about online dating and the next thing I know, I had some success. And I guess, for a few years, I was really enjoying that success – making money for the first time, dating prolifically online.
But after coaching people on the phone, I realized I was a hypocrite: I was giving advice I wasn’t following. I was overvaluing looks and undervaluing character and communication skills. Now I’m at the point where I’m truly excited to get married and begin a family – and I’ve never been in a better position to do so.”
I hope you can see that this is a story of a guy who can reflect on what he did wrong, explain how he learned from his mistakes, and was truly ready for love.
If we look at Debbie’s story – or yours – it wouldn’t be too hard to put together something similar:
“I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family where my Dad had a temper and I never felt safe with him, so I put all my energies into my studies and career.
When I did get into relationships, they were usually with men who were great on paper. Impressive. Intelligent. Fit. But they were usually missing the emotional component and I would invariably stay for 5 years when I probably should have left in a year.
In between, I spent a lot of time building up my career and have a business that, in the past, required almost 24/7 devotion, which pulled me further from healthy integrated relationships.
But in the past few years, I figured out that I could have better work/life balance and have recently recalibrated my schedule to open up more time for love. And, more importantly, I learned not to ignore incompatibilities for months and years just to try to make things work when they’re not working.
So basically, you’re the beneficiary of my previous 42 years of getting things wrong. Lucky you!”
Debbie sounds effortlessly confident, positive, and optimistic despite having a rough upbringing, never getting married, and never having kids.
Whatever you’ve been through may be painful but if you’ve learned your lessons, you can incorporate them into your story, and turn your weakness into a strength.
Love,
Evan
I’m very emotional today. And when I’m emotional, I have to write about it. And somehow tie it back to dating and relationship advice. So here goes:
The New York Knicks won the NBA Title for the first time in 53 years. I’m 53 years old. I’m from New York. Their journey is my journey. As you’ll see, their journey is also your journey.
This is a team that has failed in ways, big and small, for decades. Sometimes, they lost due to bad luck (going against Michael Jordan at his peak). Sometimes, they were outplayed (losing in the Finals in 1999 against a better team). And, for decades, they made a lot of questionable decisions – bringing in high-priced coaches and players who lacked character and didn’t perform up to their potential.
As a Knicks fan, I suffered silently, making the best of a bad situation, knowing full-well that the results were beyond my control. But in the past few years, everything changed.
The owner brought in a general manager who had a vision. The team would be filled with high-effort, high-character players who may not have the biggest names but also wouldn’t have the biggest egos. Guys who knew the meaning of teamwork and sacrifice.
Their leader was a point guard named Jalen Brunson. Even though he won high school and college championships, no one thought he was good enough to lead a pro team. Too short. Not athletic enough. Jalen Brunson just scored 45 points in the final game of the series. Same as Michael Jordan in 1998.
He’s now a legend in New York. Here’s what he had to say after the game.
“I’ve always told myself, and I’ve always been taught by my parents: Never be afraid to fail. You put the confidence you have in everything you do when the lights are on because of everything you’ve done when no one is watching.”
This quote is the reason I’m writing to you today. Because it echoes MY favorite quote – which I have on a painting in my home – “What would you do if you could not fail?”
So, what would you do if you weren’t afraid to fail?
What would you do if you weren’t afraid of going back online?
What would you do if you weren’t afraid of going on one date a week?
What would you do if you weren’t afraid of getting rejected by a man you really liked?
What would you do if you weren’t afraid of being vulnerable?
What would you do if you weren’t afraid of getting hurt?
The truth is, you don’t lack romantic love because you’re unworthy. If anything, you have underestimated what you’re worth in love, and after years of disappointing relationships, you’re afraid to take the risks required to get what you want.
If fear has been making your decisions – quitting online dating, giving up on men, convincing yourself life is better alone – you’re not playing to win. You’re playing not to lose.
The question isn’t whether you’ll ever get rejected or disappointed again, any more than Jalen Brunson could guarantee the Knicks would win.
The question is whether you’re willing to let your past keep you from creating the future you’ve always wanted.
Love,
Evan
My family, watching the final game, together.
One of the most important concepts I share as a dating coach is called mirroring.
Mirroring is designed to keep you from chasing down ambivalent men.
He texts, you text back. He calls, you call back. He says, “I can’t wait to see you,” and you warmly respond in kind. Simple.
The reason mirroring works is because confident men make things easy for you.
You don’t have to remind them you exist.
You don’t have to wonder where you stand.
You don’t have to carry the relationship while trying to convince yourself “he’s just busy.”
When I met my wife, she never had to call to see where things stood between us. I always initiated, followed up, and made plans. Not because I read a dating book about masculine energy, but because I liked her and wanted to see her again.
That’s what confident men do.
Mirroring protects women from overinvesting in men who are ambivalent, emotionally unavailable, or more interested in someone else. Frankly, that’s a LOT of men.
If a guy likes you but consistently puts in minimal effort, disappears for days, or expects you to keep the conversation alive, mirroring is an excellent dating technique.
But mirroring as a blanket rule is imperfect because not every man is the same.
Some men are naturally assertive and decisive. They have no problem pursuing women. They assume you’ll like them. They’re comfortable taking the lead.
Other men are more cautious. Less experienced. Less confident. Sometimes they like you but don’t fully trust that the feeling is mutual.
That doesn’t automatically make them weak or uninterested. It may simply mean they’re not wired to be the guy climbing the highest tree to pluck the apple off the top.
This is where smart women often get confused.
You meet a nice, thoughtful, relationship-oriented man who isn’t naturally aggressive in dating and compare him to the cocky guy who aggressively pursued you in the past.
The difference is that the cocky guy often pursued EVERYBODY.
The more passive guy may actually value you more.
So how can you tell whether a man is shy or simply not interested?
Easy. Pay attention to his personality.
A confident guy who barely reaches out probably isn’t thinking about you very much.
The agreeable, slightly awkward guy who seems nervous about doing the wrong thing may need more reassurance and reciprocity. That distinction matters.
Which brings me to a video in my Love U course called “The Two Exceptions to Mirroring.”
The first exception is when the connection is mutually strong. If you had an amazing date and something funny reminds you of him the next day, you can send him the video without worrying that you’re acting desperate.
There’s a huge difference between reaching out because you feel secure in the connection and because you’re afraid you won’t hear from him.
One comes from confidence. The other comes from anxiety.
A woman who is spiraling because a man hasn’t texted in twelve hours is not in her feminine energy. She’s in fear.
A woman who casually sends something playful because she feels good about where things stand is operating from abundance.
The second exception to mirroring is even more important.
Sometimes a man will directly say something like:
“You know, you could call me too.”
Most women hear this and immediately think: “Ugh. Weak. Passive.”
But that’s not necessarily what’s happening.
He may simply be telling you the kind of relationship dynamic that feels good to him – which, by the way, is identical to what you want HIM to do for YOU.
And if you want emotional intimacy with men, you can’t ignore what men say they need while expecting them to endlessly accommodate what YOU need.
Women constantly tell men: “I want consistent communication.” Fair enough. But if a man says: “I’d love to hear from you sometimes too,” and you refuse because some influencer told you never to initiate, you’re not responding to his needs. You’re following rules.
For many successful women, relationships naturally land in a more collaborative place anyway.
You’re proactive. He’s agreeable. You make some plans. He makes others.
Neither person is rigidly attached to old-school gender roles because the dynamic feels good to BOTH of you. That’s the key.
The goal is not to perform femininity correctly. The goal is to create a relationship where you both feel safe, understood, and valued.
Some women genuinely want a masculine man who does all the initiating forever.
That’s fine.
But if you want that dynamic, you also have to embrace the traditionally feminine role that comes with it: warm, receptive, and appreciative.
You can’t simultaneously demand traditional masculine pursuit while showing up like a demanding CEO interviewing potential partners.
Relationships are partnerships. Different couples arrive at that in different ways. The important thing is not who texted first. The important thing is whether both people feel wanted.
Love,
Evan
Two guys are hiking when they see a bear charging at them.
One drops his backpack and starts putting on running shoes.
The other says, “Are you crazy? You can’t outrun a bear.”
He says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear… I just have to outrun you.”
That’s what we’re going to be talking about today, using a real story of a real woman who is in a real relationship with a real smart, wealthy, relationship-oriented man.
The moral of the story: you don’t have to be perfect—you just have to be the woman who makes a high-quality man feel like choosing you is the obvious decision.
Chelsea was referred to me by a matchmaker who charges $100-$500K for her services. The matchmaker said she wouldn’t take her on as a client until she worked with me for six months. The unstated implication was that Chelsea was cold, difficult, and a workaholic, and would therefore be hard to match with her stable of wealthy men.
I’m thrilled to say that – nearly a year later – none of those things are true.
Chelsea is a multi-millionaire. She owns a small business with full-time employees, she has two kids and a live-in nanny. Her responsibilities are considerable. But all the stuff that the matchmaker was preparing me for has simply been a matter of a mistaken first impression.
Chelsea laughs easily. She asks me about my wife’s health. She’s open to feedback. She’s cried, multiple times, on our Zoom calls. Like many of my successful clients, she’s a Type A woman with a soft heart. She really is smarter and more productive than most men. She really does intimidate most men. Not because she’s trying but because she’s that impressive.
Two months ago, Chelsea started a relationship with a man who is truly her equal in terms of education, worldliness, and success. Like all men, he comes with a measure of baggage – but the baggage hasn’t proven to be that heavy. He’s a little older than she’d like. He’s got a little bit of that fragile male ego that needs stoking. But otherwise, Chelsea has been incredibly happy to find a man on her level. He’s been doing all of the initiating and planning, and eagerly took down his profile to focus on their relationship.
There was only one problem – which came up on the phone this week. Chelsea is concerned that her boyfriend is still in love with his ex. Her evidence: she cheated on him less than a year ago, precipitating their divorce, and any mention of her still gets him agitated.
And everyone knows that if a man still expresses emotion about his ex, that must mean he’s in love with her. Right?
Not quite.
Being a good partner largely involves putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and considering why a good man would think/act differently than you’d want them to.
When we perform this exercise on Chelsea’s boyfriend, it’s clear that he’s angry at his ex for many reasons: for cheating, for lying about cheating, for precipitating the dissolution of their former life, and for trying to get as much money as she can in the settlement.
Could you blame him?
On our call, Chelsea said she was inclined to tell her new boyfriend to ignore his ex and stop talking about her. Perhaps they could move on without ever bringing her up again.
That’s not how people work, I told Chelsea. Imagine if one of your friends had been cheated on by her husband, he initiated a divorce, and wanted to screw her financially.
Would you tell her to get over it? Would you tell her that she’s being thin-skinned? Would you tell her that she should stop talking about the central drama in her life?
You would not. Women never talk that way to each other. They lead with empathy.
“Oh my God. He is SUCH a jerk. I can’t believe he did that to you. How selfish! How ungrateful! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What can I do to make it better? Do you want me to kill him? Or just take you out for a nice meal? Whatever you need.”
This is what your friend wants to hear. You certainly would not be dismissive of her feelings, no matter how much she talks about her evil ex.
When I said this to Chelsea, her face lit up like a Christmas tree.
In that moment, she understood that she needed to treat her boyfriend the way she treated her best girl friends. And she realized that she DIDN’T do this in her marriage.
She’s not alone.
Janice’s husband of 26 years cheated on her and left her for a younger woman.
This devastating breach of trust ended a marriage that Janice acknowledges should have ended long before. Even though she’s happier now that she’s not stuck in a suffocating relationship, Janice has been scarred by her experience.
Questions abound: How long was he lying to me? Was our entire relationship a lie? Was he in love with her? Was it partially my fault? Did I miss the signs? Could I have done anything differently? Will I ever trust again? Will I ever love again? How can I make sure this never happens again?
As her coach, it’s my job to answer all of Janice’s questions with sensitivity. Six months after hiring me, Janice is in a promising new relationship for the first time since her divorce.
His name is Tom. Like Janice, he’s in his mid-60s. Like Janice, he’s fit and into personal growth. Like Janice, he was burned by a bad marriage but aspires to having a healthy one.
Four weeks into their relationship, Tom had already made clear that he wanted to be exclusive to Janice. He was even there for her when she got notification of a health scare.
In her words: “This morning when I woke up, I texted him at 7:00. He didn’t respond right away because he was in the shower. When he did respond, he apologized for the delay and immediately called to see if I was okay. I told him I could really use some support–thinking through options for my care. He was over within an hour. Said he would listen without giving advice unless I specifically asked for it. He is wonderful.
Asking for help was a very vulnerable thing for me. I didn’t even ask my husband all those years because of early experiences with him around it. I understand now that he didn’t have the capacity.
All of this is to say how much I appreciate you and your work. Without it I wouldn’t be where I am and for sure would have written off this great guy. So yes I did the work…your work.
Forever grateful,
Janice
Beautiful. Another Love U Love Story, right? Not quite.
Two weeks later, Janice heard from a friend that Tom’s profile was still live on Match – even though he said he had taken it down. Janice left him a voice mail immediately, shocked because he never gave her any reason to question him. Here is his follow up text:
“Closing the loop. All notifications turned off and profile hidden, I am sorry that you have been given reason to question or doubt me. In my mind, I believe we are in an exclusive (monogamous) girlfriend and boyfriend relationship with the intent to build a long term relationship. I feel strongly that our ability to communicate is one of the things that has made this even possible. I don’t know the future but I do know that I am ready, willing and able to give this everything I’ve got to see where we can take this experiment together! Hope that helps.”
This exchange triggered Janice. She concluded her new boyfriend is dishonest, her trust has been broken, and she can’t continue. Before acting, she wanted to run it by me first.
I cited a few core Love U ideas:
Look at his pattern of behavior. Tom wanted to be Janice’s boyfriend well before she was ready to commit to him. He has already stepped up to act like her boyfriend after her scary diagnosis. He immediately took down his profile and spent close to two hours explaining himself after this misunderstanding. Logically, it doesn’t make much sense for a guy to do all this…while actively pursuing other women.
Remember: It’s full trust or no trust. This is not to say that every man is trustworthy – only that if you’re dating a man you don’t trust, you should get rid of him. “So”, I asked Janice, “based on your interactions thus far, do you trust him or not?” Turns out, Janice trusts him, despite the fact that his profile was still active. And yet she was this close to breaking up with him out of fear.
I then shared a story about myself (as I am wont to do).
See, although I met my wife at a party in Beverly Hills 20 years ago, we were both on Match at the time. After 4 weeks of dating, I pulled my profile down and started referring to her as my girlfriend. By our second month together, I’d already met her family, helped her move, and was planning a vacation to Greece and Turkey.
And yet I remember distinctly in Month 3 of our relationship, wandering around her one-bedroom apartment, looking at everything on the walls and countertops as she finished up her shower. There were tons of artifacts from her international travels… and a wide-open laptop with an inbox showing dozens of emails from Match.
Wait, what? This was my GIRLFRIEND. The one I was taking to Europe. My profile was down. I only assumed her profile was down. What could this possibly mean?
Given that my girlfriend was a high-integrity, high-EQ person, the most logical explanation was this: she just forgot to hide her Match profile. As a result, Match would send her an email with a bunch of hot guys every day that she would summarily ignore.
Since my wife now has over 50,000 unopened emails in her inbox, maybe her profile is STILL up. I have no idea. All I know is that – because I trusted her – my mind didn’t immediately leap to the worst case scenario, but rather, the best case scenario.
This is what experts mean about “assuming positive intent.” When you’re with a good person, you should assume the most charitable interpretation of events until proven otherwise. This method has served me incredibly well throughout my life.
I predict it will serve Janice well in her relationship with Tom.
Love,
Evan
Strap yourself in for a story. It happens to be about a man but, as you’ll see, it can just as easily apply to you.
Mike is in his mid-fifties. He’s cute, charming, and successful. A self-made millionaire. Extremely well-read. Interesting to talk to at parties. Loves dogs, travel, and kids.
Mike also came from a broken home and could be classified as an avoidant attachment style. As a result, his dating patterns are generally the OPPOSITE of whatever I coach.
Looking for a long-distance relationship? Check.
Sleeping with someone quickly? Check.
Committing too quickly? Check.
Moving in before a year? Check.
Mistaking chemistry for compatibility? Check.
Trying to fix anxious, jealous, emotionally immature women? Check.
Staying in unhealthy relationships for months or years too long? Check.
We can go on, but you get the idea. This is a great person, who, despite his positive traits, makes questionable choices in love. When we talk, I think of my definition of happiness: Happiness is when your goals and your actions are aligned.
Mike’s deep-seated beliefs (based on his experience) and his refusal to let go of being a biological dad leads him to the same issues, again and again.
His belief that there are few good women in his city lead him to date long-distance.
Mike invariably finds a woman in another city or country with whom he has great chemistry, and they dive into a relationship. He often ignores the inconvenient fact that an LDR requires extensive travel and, eventually, moving her into his place within the first six months to accelerate things and keep the connection alive.
His belief that he must have his own children leads him to date 15-20 years younger.
Mike is Generation X and generally down about younger women, thinking that they’re too into social media, drinking, and their careers. If he needs a younger woman but generally doesn’t like younger women, well, you can probably see the problem.
The internal contradiction of what he finds attractive leaves him alone.
Mike values looks, intelligence and sophistication above all. He dates hot, brilliant, and accomplished women who often have anxious attachment styles, jealousy issues, and volatile communication methods. Even though he wants a nurturing career woman, he refuses to date single moms of any age, despite the fact that mothers are often nurturing.
My simple solution for Mike: let go of having kids, date an attractive, successful, single mom between 45-55 who is mature, financially independent, and family oriented. Be happy for the rest of your life because you found an equal partner who “gets you.”
Does he listen? Nope. He wants what he wants. We all do.
Now you may be reading this and shaking your head in frustration. Please don’t. If anything, I’d like you to consider how much you may have in common with him.
Do you have a belief that there are few good men in your city that allows you to dive into instant relationships with long-distance guys based on chemistry?
Do you have a fixed belief about the type of man you need to be with? College educated? Makes more money? Over 5’10”? Similar hobbies and interests?
Do you have internal contradictions that make love improbable? A gorgeous guy who only has eyes for you? A wealthy guy who is home by 6 and doesn’t travel all the time? A brilliant guy who has a high EQ, listens to you, and values your opinions as much as his own?
It’s easy to judge Mike for his refusal to compromise – and it’s easy for you to project what you think he should compromise on. But what will you compromise on?
If you’ve struggled to find a healthy relationship and you don’t know the answer, click here to talk to me. Sometimes, we’re too close to be able to see the answers in front of us.
Love,
Evan
Learn more about coaching with me
Book a breakthrough call with me
Just about all of my clients did therapy before working with me. My guess is that you have, too. A great therapist is priceless and I think therapy is an invaluable framework to help you understand yourself.
Just this week, I learned about Harville Hendrix’s Imago Therapy and wanted to share a few highlights that may resonate.
Imago therapy addresses the pain of projection from a difficult parent by helping you recognize how childhood wounds unconsciously shape your adult relationships.
- In childhood, you form an unconscious image of familiar love based on your relationship with your caregivers, including both positive and negative traits.
- As an adult, you are drawn to partners who trigger familiar feelings from your childhood. If a parent was critical, distant, or controlling, you may find yourself repeatedly in relationships where you feel criticized, ignored, or controlled.
- This dynamic is a form of repetition compulsion, where your unconscious mind tries to heal old wounds by re-creating them with new partners.
This is a genius observation that validates what I’ve seen with my clients. Think about your most difficult parent or the dysfunctional dynamic you witnessed in your parents’ marriage. That is the basic template for what you see as “normal” in adult relationships.
This therapeutic insight does a great job of explaining why you are the way you are, and why you potentially gravitate to unhealthy partners who don’t feel safe.
It’s one thing to know the source of your anxious attachment style. It’s quite another to be able to make different choices moving forward. Remember, everyone who hires me has “done the work” and STILL doesn’t have a healthy relationship.
The reason coaching works well is that by providing support, structure, and accountability, you can let go of your past and create a bright new future.
I have gone to therapy, I have coached therapists, and if you have someone amazing in your corner, I want to encourage you to continue. Just know that even an amazing therapist has limitations and can’t expertly guide you through the process of dating and choosing a life partner.
If you have a great understanding of what went wrong in your past, but don’t quite know how to translate that into an effective action plan that gets you a lasting love, click here to book a time to talk with me.
I can’t wait to learn more about you.
Love,
Evan
Raise your relationship standards
Attract high-value men online
Sign up for the Extraordinary Love Series
As a dating coach for smart, successful women, I’ve been asked the same question in a hundred different ways:
- “Where are all the good men?”
- “What’s the best dating app?”
- “Is it better to meet someone at church, through friends, or at a professional networking event?”
Underneath these questions is the same core belief: “I just haven’t met the right guy yet.” But I’m here to tell you something that might rattle your worldview a little:
The problem is not where you meet men. The problem is how you choose them.
It’s completely understandable why so many women focus on where to meet men:
- If I just get on the right app, he’ll show up.
- If I move to a city with more single men, I’ll finally find him.
- If I attend more events, workshops, and meetups, I’ll increase my chances.
But here’s the truth (believe it or not): good men are everywhere. The problem isn’t merely access; it’s selection. Remember: I’m not blaming you for the lack of quality men. I’m acknowledging that 90% of men are not for you AND pointing out that if you keep choosing poorly, it won’t matter where you meet them. The pattern will repeat.
The Flawed Logic of “I Just Haven’t Met the Right Guy Yet”
I just haven’t met the right guy” is comforting because it implies there’s nothing you can do to alter your future.
The problem is always dating apps, your city, and, basically, all men.
Imagine a man said the same thing. You’d assume he had a big blind spot.
So if none of your previous relationships made you feel safe, heard, and understood, then maybe — just maybe — the common denominator isn’t men… it’s your choices.
Not in a self-shaming way. In an empowering, take-the-wheel-of-your-love-life kind of way.
Because when you realize that your biggest challenge isn’t meeting men or even keeping them — it’s choosing the right one in the first place — everything changes.
Why Women Choose Poorly (Even Smart Ones, Like You!)
You’re not alone. I see this with my clients all the time. Here are a few common traps:
1. You mistake chemistry for compatibility.
That hot guy with the witty banter gives you butterflies… and anxiety. He’s exciting, but he’s also inconsistent, unavailable, or emotionally exhausting.
2. You fall in love with potential.
You see what he could be if he just went to therapy, communicated better, or stopped being selfish. But potential isn’t reality. And who he could be isn’t who he is right now.
3. You override your own feelings.
He checks the boxes on paper, so when you don’t feel emotionally fulfilled, you tell yourself you’re being too picky. Spoiler alert: you’re not.
One of my clients – let’s call her Lisa – came into Love U after a string of relationships with men who were exciting, accomplished, and emotionally vacant.
She kept saying, “I just haven’t met the right guy.” What she really meant was: “I keep choosing attractive men who make me feel like I’m walking on eggshells.”
When she finally gave a good guy a chance – someone who showed up consistently, listened, and treated her like gold – she realized that her life wasn’t marked by looking for love in all the wrong places, but rather, wasting decades on relationships with the wrong men.
She didn’t have to chase love. She didn’t have to question where she stood. She simply allowed herself to be loved the way she deserved all along.
And yes — she met him online, in a city where she swore all the good men were taken.
Become the CEO of Your Love Life
Choosing the right man is a skill. Just like you learned how to build your career or manage your finances, you can learn how to choose a man who makes you feel cherished.
In Love U, I teach you how to meet men, date with confidence, understand male behavior, and choose a compatible partner.
You don’t need a different app, a better city, or a mythical meetup with only great guys.
You need a better strategy — and I can teach you how.
If you’re ready to finally stop selecting the wrong men and start attracting the right one, click here to apply for coaching.
You’ll get the support, structure, and tools to create the love life you’ve always wanted.
Love,
Evan
Raise your relationship standards
Learn more about Love U Live Coaching
Book a breakthrough call with me
If you’ve ever felt like the clock is ticking, or that all the good men are taken, or that you’ve wasted enough time on the wrong guys… I want you to read this.
I have a terrible business model; if I do a good job, I lose a client forever. I’m proud to say I’ve lost thousands of clients in my career! Here’s the story of three women who turned to me in spring and never have to hire me again:
Elsa wrote in her June application: “I’m frustrated with the current dating scene. I wasted 4 years in the wrong relationship and was just led on and hurt by a man I met while speed dating.”
Less than three months after we started coaching, Elsa had a new story to tell: “I have a sweet, giving boyfriend. I don’t have to do anything and he always makes the effort. He makes plans. He pays. All I have to do is be flirty and positive and he’s happy. The big game changer for me from your coaching was saying no to sex with men who weren’t my boyfriend. He loved the fact that I had healthy boundaries and he stepped up to meet my needs.”
Elsa didn’t get lucky. She got clear. She stopped accepting breadcrumbs and learned to let a man earn her time, energy, and devotion.
Then there’s Cheryl, who reached out in February, saying: “I want to meet my future husband this year. I have been single and dating for 10 years and need to do something differently. And I just started dating someone I like and don’t want to mess it up.”
She let go of a guy she liked — not because he was awful, but because he wasn’t making her happy. She started dating the Love U way. A few duds later, she met Jon. She writes: “He’s smitten with me. He’s open. He’s 100% all in. I never have to wonder how he feels or what he wants. It’s so easy. From working with you, I gained the confidence to drop the wrong guy instead of trying to make things work.”
You don’t need to fix men.
You need to stop trying to make the wrong ones right.
Finally, there’s Maddie, who came to me after an ugly divorce in her mid-40s:
“No more narcissists!” she declared in her application.
Four months later? “I want to express my sincere gratitude for giving me hope that healthy love is actually possible for me. I’ve tried to follow your guidance and trust the process, and so far, I couldn’t be happier with my boyfriend and this new dating experience.”
Each of these women came to me feeling frustrated, defeated, or stuck — burned by past relationships, unsure how to trust their judgment, and tired of wasting time on the wrong men. The common thread in their transformation wasn’t luck — it was clarity, confidence, and boundaries.
By learning to say no to men who didn’t step up and yes to the men who did, they created space for healthy, easy, emotionally generous relationships to unfold.
If you’re ready to stop settling and start attracting the kind of man who shows up for you, apply to Love U today.
You don’t need to fix your love life alone — you just need the right support, structure, and strategy to make better choices and find the relationship you deserve.
Click here to apply now.
Love,
Evan
Learn to date with joy and confidence
Discover why men disappear
Learn more about Love U Live Coaching
Veronica is, objectively, a great catch.
46, an entrepreneur, a coach, a fascinating free spirit, Veronica’s Hinge profile is smart and sexy and gets thousands of matches each year. There’s only one problem:
She doesn’t like ANY of them.
I’m not blaming her for this. If anything, I’m painfully observing this with her since her story isn’t entirely uncommon.
Veronica has been dating online for 13 years and because she feels she’s in the 99th percentile of most desirable women, she wants to date a man who is also in the 99th percentile of most desirable men.
Six feet tall, broad shoulders, big hands, younger – a man who is just as sexy as she is.
Willing to go to Burning Man each year or move to another city as a digital nomad – a man who is just as adventurous as she is.
Has gone to therapy, done the work, willing to consistently go deep – a man who is just as intense as she is.
We can go on, but you get the picture. Veronica wants to date the male version of herself, realizes there are almost no male versions of herself, and gets despondent.
I was optimistic that I’d be able to help her when she hired me in February.
My feeling has always been that if you’re only open to 1% of the population – and that’s BEFORE we talk about selflessness, character, communication skills, and emotional availability – it’s hard to find your person. But if you’re open to 10% of men based on looks, intelligence, and basic demographics, you will find him sooner, rather than later.
Veronica and I went back and forth about this for the past 4 months. We debated the difference between settling and compromising. We talked about my other successful clients who found partners that were different than they imagined. We discussed how chemistry is important but often masks bad qualities, and how I don’t know any relationships that have both “10” chemistry AND “10” compatibility.
Our conversations were always spirited and always in good faith, and I felt that we’d developed a close, transparent relationship. That’s why I was devastated when she told me the other day that she was giving up on love…for the rest of her life.
I couldn’t even fathom this.
Veronica has everything going for her. She has, presumably, another 46 years left on Earth. Even if she is feeling down (which is fair) or burned out (which is fair) or pessimistic (which is fair) there’s no reason to make a permanent decision based on her feelings today.
She replied, “The reason I’m making this decision is that it’s TOO PAINFUL to continue to hold out hope. I just want to live the rest of my life on my terms, without dating, without compromising, without feeling bad about myself that I don’t find any man up to my standards. To persevere only makes me feel more depressed, so I’m just not going to.”
I completely understood what she was saying because it was exactly what I told myself when I gave up screenwriting after 10 years in Hollywood. If my dream was making me miserable because I couldn’t achieve it, why would I keep pursuing it?
There’s a logic to that and, while I was on with Veronica, I honored her feelings.
I told her that she should take a break – from me, from men, from coaching – because to date from such a place of negativity will not manifest her ideal relationship.
All I urged her to do was remember these two things:
- There’s a reason people come back to love. There’s no force in the world that is more universal or transcendent than having a partner who loves you unconditionally. Yes, you can live without it; you can find meaning in your work, pets, friends and travel. But romantic love is bigger than all of that – and it’s worth it to keep hope alive.
- Life is a really long time. I just came back from an event with Modern Elder Academy in which someone pointed out that if the first 18 years of your life comprise your childhood, you can divide your adulthood into two equal phases: 18-54 and 54-90.
The point of the story isn’t diminished by the fact that not everyone lives to 90. The point of the story is that if you look back 5 years, 10 years, or 20 years, you have wildly different life circumstances. Well, the same goes with looking FORWARD 5 years, 10 years, or 20 years.
Veronica may find herself in a different phase of life when she’s in her 50s and a whole generation of divorced men with grown kids are suddenly interested in building a third act with her. Why declare at age 46 that she’s closed for business FOREVER?
You may identify with Veronica and silently cheer on her decision because it’s a decision you want to make yourself. If that’s the case, I respect you and your choice.But if you’re feeling a little sad, a little lonely, and a lot frustrated with dating, maybe all you need is someone to hold your hand and light your way.
I currently have 15 clients who are dating with joy, confidence, and optimism – and meeting great guys every week.
At any moment, you can choose between giving up and taking action, a glass-half-full or a glass-half-empty, abundant love or safe solitude.
Click here to tell me which path you want to take.
Love,
Evan
Learn to date with joy and confidence
Sign up for the Extraordinary Love Series
Book a breakthrough call with me
“All the Joy and No Fun” is the title of Jennifer Senior’s 2014 book on modern parenting.
I think that encapsulates the way we feel about most things now. We’re supposed to be passionate about our careers, our hobbies, and our kids, but we’re mostly feeling controlled by them. At some point, we end up with so many obligations that we have little time for ourselves – and then wonder why we’re so burned out and disconnected.
We know about the attention economy, where every platform (including this one) is vying to capture your eyeballs for a few fleeting moments, either to distract you, outrage you, or sell you something. The problem with the attention economy is that companies always win and you generally lose. Too many of your non-working hours are hoovered up by distractions – diet tips, leadership tips, cat videos, political red meat. In a world where your most precious gift is your time, every second of the day is already accounted for.
So what does this have to do with love?
Well, if we already know – and we do, from 1000 Arthur C. Brooks articles – that long-term happiness comes down to the quality of your relationships, and we barely have a second to breathe, it makes sense to reconsider our priorities and allocate our time differently.
Put another way: if you spend 50 hours per week at work and 0 hours per week on love, you probably have a lot more career success than relationship success. That’s the pattern I see as a dating coach for successful women, all of whom make six figures, none of whom have a satisfying long-term partner. I met two examples just last week.
One incredible woman signed up for six months of coaching, and if you saw her, your first question would be “Why?” She’s objectively stunning, she’s got a high-powered career, and she has an empty nest and the freedom to do what she wants.
How does she spend her time? A. Working. B. Traveling for work.
Her relationship history is all too common: 20 years in a bad marriage, a few months of dating, a 2 year bad marriage, a few months of dating, and 8 years in an unhealthy relationship that, mercifully, didn’t turn into a third bad marriage.
But it’s not like she’s unaware. As she explained:
“I’m a serial monogamist. I get attached to the first cute, successful guy who shows interest in me and keep my fingers crossed that he’ll be a good match. Basically, I get chosen, instead of doing the choosing, because I don’t like dating.”
Here’s a self-made millionaire with decades of experience hiring and managing high-performing teams, who literally hires the first qualified applicant and refuses to fire him, no matter how bad his performance reviews. The only thing she doesn’t have in life is a partner, yet dating is the thing she spends the LEAST time doing.
The following day, I spoke with another woman – mid-40s, independent, never married – who would love to start coaching but won’t be able to commit until she quits her current job in the fall. That’s how much we let our careers dominate our lives.
I know the value of a high-powered job: the money, the status, the excitement, not to mention the meaning and identity of being successful at your chosen career. I’m not suggesting that you quit your full-time gig and go on a 24/7 husband hunt. But I do have a saying that I think bears relevance here:
“You don’t make time WHEN you find the right partner, you make time TO find the right partner.”
I ask you: how much time are you currently devoting to finding the right partner?
And, if you have a relationship, how much time are you devoting to each other, rather than your job and your kids? Love,
Evan
Raise your relationship standards
Get a referral to a reputable matchmaker
Book a breakthrough call with me
This is a free preview of a paid episode.
On this coaching call with Hannah, we discuss how to balance giving a man the benefit of the doubt without being taken advantage of. We cover:
Why you should pay attention to his escalation of efforts in the early stages of dating to determine if he’s interested in a relationship.
How setting boundaries around intimacy can help reveal his intentions and weed out men who are not serious about commitment.
https://youtu.be/Jn1mfxtfIn0
Click here to join for Lovesplaining and listen to the full conversation conversation.
🫶 Subscribe to Lovesplaining for free
🔥 Take my quiz to find love now
💖 Apply to Love U
📷 Follow me on Instagram
Since it’s the last week of the year and many readers are on vacation, I’m not doing a full Lovesplaining with the 1500-word post and the different categories. Instead, I wrote about something I’ve been feeling recently. I hope it resonates with you. I look forward to returning to our regular programming next week.
17 years ago, I had a therapist tell me:
“Evan, life is like a hunk of Swiss cheese – and all you do is look at the holes.”
This penchant for criticism has proven to be my deepest weakness. Magnifying flaws in others kept me single for many years and undermined some of my closest relationships. Then again, my clear-eyed worldview has also been an asset. You need to know what’s NOT working in love if you want to be able to fix it, and I’ve made a career of discovering what works.
For this reason, I don’t think I’m a pessimist; I prefer to call myself a “reality-based” dating coach. But here’s a sober reality check: I’m in the 99.9% of lucky people on Earth but I rarely feel that way.
Click here to read the full post on Lovesplaining.
Efron, Reynolds, Jordan, Gosling, Page, Hemsworth, Katz
Which of these men doesn’t belong?If you said me – Evan Marc Katz – you’d be correct.I am not considered one of the world’s sexiest men by People magazine.
I do not look in the mirror and see one of the world’s sexiest men.
My wife does not see me as one of the world’s sexiest men.
If that sounds like I’m putting myself down, think again. Asking my wife to tell me I look like one of those perfectly symmetrical, buff actors is essentially asking her to lie to me – and I’m not the kind of person who likes to be lied to.
Click here to read the full article on Lovesplaining.
This is a typical question from clients in my Love U Live coaching program, but this time, I didn’t give my typical answer. Instead, I asked Yesica how she was responsible for creating this situation. She paused and replied: “Every time he says he’ll change, I continue to accept his words, despite his behavior.”
This is what she believes. You may, too. I mean, it’s true that she had every opportunity to break things off but hasn’t had the strength to do so. But that wasn’t the REAL issue here. And I told her so – with 30 other women listening on our two-hour weekly coaching call.
Click here to read the rest of my answer on Lovesplaining.
This is what makes Havrilesky so compelling and readable. She lays herself bare on the page mercilessly, column after column, never afraid to share a peek inside her messy mind. She’s all but invented having “no fucks to give.”
Havrilesky’s unparalleled ability to air her dirty laundry gives permission for other women to feel more fully themselves.
This is a good thing – especially for women who have contorted themselves to become people pleasers without ever being pleased themselves. Her Ask Polly columns regularly make me want to scream, “Yes!!” at the end, when she exhorts her anxious and shame-filled readers to embrace themselves, speak their minds, and feel their feelings, the world be damned.
Then I read this a few weeks ago – and I couldn’t get it out of my mind.
Click here to read the rest of my thoughts on this article on Lovesplaining.
In her mid-50s, Jen finally got the courage to extricate herself from her marriage. She had the confidence of knowing her job as a mom was mostly done and that she had enough money to support herself without having to depend on her ex. And while it was scary to be alone after 27 years, Jen felt an enormous weight lifted.
Now that she was no longer walking on eggshells to keep the peace at home, she filled her life with things she loved. Ballroom dancing. Pickleball. International travel to places she never would have gone with her family.
Jen is far happier as a divorced woman than she was as a married woman.
Healthy relationships with her kids. Stable income from her career. Breathing easily now that she’s no longer with a narcissist. Come to think of it, Jen can’t remember a time in her adult life where she’s ever felt this free and content.
And yet… something is missing.
Click here to discover what that is.
It’s normal to want people to like you.
God knows, when I was dating, I could get consumed with it.
I remember meeting one such woman on JDate back in 2002. She was getting her doctorate at UCLA. She wrote long emails that dazzled me with their wit.
I remember talking to her on the phone and tingling with excitement.
I had finally met my match – the woman who could inspire me to new heights, put me in my place, and challenge me to be a better person.
I remember telling my roommate about her, showing him her profile, and recapping our conversations. What epic conversations! They lasted for hours and were teasers of the banter we would enjoy for the rest of our lives.
In my excitement and vulnerability, I confessed on the phone that I was excited to meet her. She knew. Of course, she knew!
Our first date was at a local bar with stiff drinks and loud music.
She wore something black and low cut. We slid in at opposite sides of the booth, separated by only a lone votive candle. She was as sexy as her photos indicated.
We talked for a good hour, downing a couple of drinks. I marveled at how impressive she was. She seemed to have it all together, while I, a struggling screenwriter, wasn’t close to being as effortlessly confident as she was.
At the end of the night, I picked up the check and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
I emailed the next day to tell her I had fun.
I called her the day after.
And emailed the day after that.
You already know the rest: she wasn’t that into me.
Click here to read the full article on Lovesplaining.
I launched my Lovesplaining newsletter on Substack on Friday – and the feedback I’ve gotten has been more positive than anything I’ve ever done. (which is a bit of a shame on one level, but pretty exciting on another!)
Substack is the home of Elizabeth Gilbert, Salman Rushdie and Dan Rather. Real celebrities with authentic and important voices. Somehow, it’s my new home as well.
The company has embraced me with open arms and is thrilled to have someone to be a “lighthouse” for a potential new category on their site: dating and relationships.
In less than 3 days, over 300 people have subscribed to Lovesplaining – and that’s before word gets out to the broader universe outside my little bubble.
Intelligent conversation is flowing in the comments. Thoughtful dissents are coming in. Longtime readers and new subscribers are sending their Honey Shots for future posts.
This is literally the best outcome I could have imagined. I’m living my dream.
If listening to me is like listening to your date talk about his golf game or fantasy football team, I get it. The difference between that guy and me is this:
What I’m creating for you is FAR more relevant to your future happiness.
So if you’ve been enjoying my writing and want to take things to the next level, click here to subscribe to my new Substack channel and get access to all my new stuff.
The first two weeks – with posts and podcasts on Friday and Tuesday – are free, but will switch to subscriber only on September 28th so act now.
Warmest wishes and much love,
Your friend,
Evan
P.S. On Tuesday, I’m answering my first long-form reader question in three years – and it’s a doozy: How Can I Relax in Dating If I’m 40 and Want a Family?
Subscribe now to see my answer when it comes out.
I invite you to think of the last time you were emotionally invested in a man. It could have been a promising prospect you met online, it could have been your boyfriend of five months, it could have been your fiancé.
Yesterday, I had a really interesting conversation with someone in my neighborhood. Natalie’s 47. She looks great for her age. She has a thriving business. She’s been married since she was a teenager. She has three kids, and only one of them is still at home.
You’ve made the choice to bring this baby into the world and I’m sure you’re going to be a wonderful mother. Just do not expect ANYTHING from this man.
This is what happens when you choose a guy because you "like" him as opposed to choosing a guy because of how he treats you when you're not together.
It's not like we're talking about the man who murdered your son; we're generally talking about isolated incidents from years ago. Those incidents may have left scars but there is nothing redeeming about focusing on ones' scars.
I wouldn’t level such accusations but we can agree that, at the very least, you’re a little bit “confused,” which has resulted in a rocky courtship process he has finally withdrawn from. What do you do now? With him? Nothing. That ship has sailed.
Who would be the best person to tell you what this guy really means? This guy! Stick with me, because I know this sounds crazy, but when you have a question about some intentions, the only person who can REALLY know what he’s thinking is HIM.
I would normally attempt to point out your blind spot – and illuminate something you couldn’t see because you’re too emotionally close to the situation – but that’s not the case here. You took the words right out of my mouth.
The fact is: good relationships don’t take work. They take effort, like watering a garden, but they don’t take “work” like laboring in a coal mine or living through war or solitary confinement. Face it: if you had a car that only started half the time, you’d buy yourself a new car.
One word of caution: if you say you’re going to leave and you DON’T leave, you’ve just sent the message that you’ll continue to put up with this indefinitely the way you did for the last seven years. I know it’s not my life and it’s easy to say from afar — I wouldn’t want someone to marry me due to an ultimatum; I’d want someone who wanted to marry me. Yours doesn’t.
I just read your post on emotionally unavailable men. Mine is a weird story but I'm thinking now that my guy falls into this category. He broke up with me over text, first of all. We're both in our later years so this, in my opinion, is very rude at any age.
After struggling in relationships, I finally read your book Why He Disappeared 4 years ago, did everything you said and finally found a guy that I’ve built a great relationship with. He takes me on vacations, makes dinners and packs lunches for me. Offers many surprises, backs me up when I’m mistreated.
I like Sophia Benoit from GQ. Her prose doesn't descend to the levels of most first-person journalism you'd read in EliteDaily or Elephant Journal. This piece, simply called "When to Walk Away From a Bad Relationship," is something I wholeheartedly endorse as one of the few dating coaches who believe it's better to find an easy relationship than it is to double down on fixing a broken one.
I'd been in what seemed like the perfect dating relationship with a man for a couple months until just last week, when he broke up with me out of nowhere. I know a lot of articles tell people who were blindsided by breakups that just because the relationship seemed great to them, it doesn't mean their partner had been feeling that way, too.
I love Heather Havrilesky’s writing. It’s deep, lyrical, bad-ass, philosophical,... READ POST