Rise Above Motherhood: Recent Episodes
Kayla Nickey
Ep. 11 / Things to Not Say to Someone Who Has Experienced Infant Loss
Let me just start this episode by saying that it’s important to really apply this is everyone because you don’t know who has experienced infant loss. You might have a friend or family member even, who has experienced infant loss and these questions or statements should probably be avoided at all costs.
I remember before Olivia passed that a grieving counselor/nurse at the hospital I was in came in and sat with me and explained to me that people are going to say some really stupid things and they may not mean anything by it but it’s going to hurt. She was helping prepare me as I was very raw and vulnerable, to go out into the world and deal with dumb questions and stupid comments.
After Olivia passed, I’ve had everything you can think of. I’ve been deeply hurt by comments made by friends and family members and some weren’t meant to hurt me so I have asked God to help soften my heart and not take things personally.
As someone who has personally experienced infant loss, let me just share some basic things you shouldn’t say:
- Are you going to try again?
Unless the person you’re talking to is years away from their baby dying, this is a question you should not be asking. Honestly, asking anyone if they’re trying again isn’t your business but if you’re a close friend or family member maybe you could ask instead, how can I be praying for your family? This is an open-ended question that gives the parent an opportunity to share what they’re comfortable sharing.
- Are you going to use the same name?
I was asked this and to this day it makes me roll my eyes but this should not be a question you ask. Each baby is a different baby - they are all unique and while a name is just a name, asking someone if they’re going to name two of their kids the same name is not wise. If you have a friend who is pregnant with a rainbow baby (for those of you who don’t know what a rainbow baby is, it’s a baby who comes after a loss) you can ask instead, have you thought about a name yet? Don’t make this baby seem that it’s the same baby that was lost - bad idea on many levels.
- I think it’s time to move on, don’t you?
Whoa. If you are listening to this and have personally lost a baby you know that that struck a few (probably many) chords and you’re like why would anyone say that?! Well, it was said to me and to this day I still struggle with it if I’m honest. This shouldn’t be a question or statement made to anyone who is grieving the death of anyone. You are on the outside looking in, you are not experiencing what that person is living. We will never get over our child, we will always remember their birthdays and the day of their passing - we just will. Anyone would. This question should be replaced with, how are you doing emotionally? How can I pray for you? If your friend is stuck in depression or in another phase of the process of grieving I suggest you listen to my previous episodes on this topic so you can better understand where they’re at and how to help them through it.
- What are you going to do with all the baby stuff?
Before we came home from the hospital my family lovingly took all the baby stuff and put it all into the nursery and closed the door so that I didn’t have physical reminders when I got home of what I lost at the hospital. Personally I found it helpful and was very appreciative of their efforts. I obviously had to eventually enter that room and go through it all. I gave a lot of the clothes away and kept the ones that I really liked just in case. But I had full intentions of trying to have another baby so I wasn’t going to get rid of any of the baby gear, we simply boxed it up and saved it for later. Granted, there was a lot of tears involved as we boxed up items that we had planned on using with our Olivia but that wasn’t the plan God had for us. Instead of asking this very raw question you can ask instead, how can I help you with your healing process? Can I clean your home for you? Do some laundry? Bring a meal? Can I help box up anything?
- At least your baby is in a better place now.
While this is true - heaven certainly is better than earth - this should NOT come out of your mouth. Sorry but it’s just the truth. This is the go-to for all Christians it seems. To any mom the best place for their baby is in their arms and that was stripped away from them. The mom doesn’t need this reminder, she will come to this on her own and in God’s timing but you are not God’s messenger to tell them this. I feel like this is a go-to because frankly, a lot of people don’t know what to say and they want to be helpful and encouraging but let me tell you, this is far from it. If you want to be helpful and encouraging you can simply say that you are so sorry for their loss, give them a hug, and pray for them right then and there or if it’s not a good time and/or place, simply ask them how they can be praying. That’s all.
There probably so much more I could say here but I don’t want this episode to drag on, I think you get the picture. Generally speaking, avoid asking direct questions and instead, ask open-ended questions that give your friend or family member an opportunity to share what they want to share, don’t peg them down. Making comments about their baby being better now probably shouldn’t come from you, unless you’re counseling them but this should be avoided. They will probably hear this from someone else - don’t be that person.
I know we all want to be helpful and encouraging when someone we love is hurting and that’s good! I hope this episode was helpful in pointing you in the right direction in how you can be encouraging without hurting them by mistake.
Ep. 10 / Practical Ways to Heal After Infant Loss
While fully healing from infant loss requires us to travel through all five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance comes from deep within and is fueled from God, there are some practical things that you can do while you’re going through that process and beyond.
Here’s just a few things that I’ve done or that fellow mommas who have experienced loss of done to help them along their journey:
- After people hear about your loss or you share with others and they say, “I’m praying for you.” You can come back and ask them how you can pray for them. This was hard at first for me because when you’re in pain from losing your baby you think that that loss is more significant than anyone else’s problems. And while the pain from losing a child might be stronger than someone who is going to have a tooth removed or someone who has sickness in the house, getting your mind off of your own pain and focusing on others and how you can be praying for them always helps.
Ephesians 6:18
I Timothy 2:1
Blessing others ALWAYS ends up blessing you. Even if you’re not ready to go out of your way to do something for someone else simply praying for others will help you heal.
- Another way to help with the healing process is to do something. Just sitting around and not having anything to do is a recipe to sit in any one of those stages for too long. There is a time where sitting and resting is so important but when you start to slip into a dark spiral that means you’ve been there too long. It’s time to get up and go do something. That “something” could be many different things. For me….
It could be entering your own 5K or even running your own, or maybe it’s crocheting blankets for the hospital’s NICU or volunteering at a soup kitchen if the thought of being near pregnant women or babies is too hard or maybe you could…
Keeping busy won’t necessarily make your pain go away but it will teach your mind to think outside of the darkness you’re in and it will help keep evil thoughts away.
Proverbs 16:27
- Read the Bible. I know it’s probably something that you’re like “yeah, obviously” but this is something that is skipped. Instead of turning to Scripture, we turn to the TV or a podcast (I’m honest!) or video games or fiction books, anything to get our minds off of our pain. A distraction can be good in the appropriate time but only if it’s a healthy distraction that is actually contributing in moving forward in your grieving process and not holding you up. The Bible needs to be your main source of truth and life and healing. Nothing else.
John 16:33
Romans 15:13
- Reading other books that are specific to healing after infant loss - prepare to cry as you read them but they will help you on this journey.
Here are a few:
Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur
One Thousand Gifts by Ann. Voskamp
I Will Carry You by Angie Smith
Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg
Suffering is Never for Nothing by Elisabeth Elliot
Heaven by Randy Alcorn
These will all be linked in the show notes.
- There are other things you can do that are smaller. I purchased myself a Molly Bear - it’s a bear that is handmade and created to weigh the same as your child when they were born. It’s a really sweet way to preserve the memory of your baby. I’ll link the website in the show notes as well. I’m also getting myself a tattoo with Olivia’s birth flower and Psalm 34 written in script by it.
https://www.mollybears.org/
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When you do come through your grieving process you should know that sharing your story will always help someone else. It’ll either help them as they are suffering, help give perspective to those who don’t understand, or it will help maybe prepare them for something in their future that they don’t even see coming. Don’t keep it to yourself.
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But if you’re in the bottom of the pit right now and unable to even think about doing any of these things know that the Holy Spirit knows what you need and intercedes on your behalf.
Romans 8:26
But this only applies if you have turned to Christ in repentance and faith. If you have never acknowledged your sins and your desperate need of a savior and turned from your sins and to God in faith then that is what needs to be done first and foremost.
Romans 8:34
Hebrews 7:25
Ep. 9 / Process of Grieving Infant Loss
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Let’s define infant loss. Infant loss can come in all kinds of forms that you may not think of: miscarriage, stillbirth, a baby born with disabilities that weren’t anticipated, a baby dying after birth…
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The official stages of grief in order are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
I’ve found this to be true in my own experience. When Olivia died….
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Denial: some moms might deny that they lost their baby in various ways - thinking she might be pregnant again or thinking they feel their baby still in their belly or pretending nothing happened.
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Anger: once you come to grips that your baby died, your baby did not come home with you or maybe your baby did come home but is no longer there with you, you start to get angry. Why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to my child? You start blaming various people. You blame yourself, maybe you didn’t take your prenatal vitamins as you should have, or maybe you didn’t eat the best while pregnant or drank or used some drugs. Or you might blame your spouse, maybe something they did or said affected you and the baby. Or you might blame some extenuating circumstances that were outside of your control. Or maybe you blame the healthcare system or a doctor in particular. The blame game usually starts and you become angry towards that person or thing to which you are blaming for losing your baby.
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Once you move past the fact that your child going to heaven before you wasn’t anyone and anythings fault but the sovereign hand of God you begin to bargain with Him. I’ll do this or say this or be this if you’ll only bless me with a baby. If you’ll only give me another baby then I’ll be happy.
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Once you realize that you cannot bargain with the Creator and Sustainer of all things you begin to sink into depression. Your child, your dreams and plans for the future have been ripped from your hands and you feel empty and hallow inside. You don’t want to make plans because what’s the point? You’re afraid to even begin to think about having another baby because what if the same thing happens? Every time you see another pregnant person or a baby or maybe even a child that’s the same age as yours would be if they were still here you slip quickly back into your dark place.
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The depression will be less intense and less frequent as time goes on. Time does heal a lot of wounds but there are some wounds that cut too deep that we may not ever be completely healed from on this side of heaven. Once we fully and humbly accept that our child is in the safe and loving arms of Jesus in a much better and beautiful place and that (dare I say it?) This is what God ordained and therefore is what is best we are able to continue on through life here on earth and serve Christ in a full and abundant way.
It’s a long process and depending on many factors it will take everyone different lengths of time to complete the process. But we ALL must go through the process. The key to getting to the other side is to not get stuck in any of those tunnels. Don’t sit in one for too long where it effects your relationships with your family and your relationship with God.
Here are some things to think about as you walk through these deep waters:
- God is sovereign Colossians 1:16-17
- God knows what He is doing - nothing is a surprise to Him Isaiah 45:7-9
- It’s not your fault Job 42:2
- God cares about your pain Matthew 10:29-31
- Stay close to Him and you’ll come through the other side Psalm 34
Do we as Christians fall prey to celebrate Christmas the same way that the world does? Or do we do things differently? There are some challenging yet encouraging thoughts that I pray are a blessing to you!
Have you ever heard of Preeclampsia? Do you know anything about it? Even if you haven't heard of preeclampsia or know anyone who has had it chances are you or someone you know has gone through a scary pregnancy or some kind of infant loss. In this episode Caylee shares with us her preeclampsia story and the things that God has taught her through it. To finish, I share my own preeclampsia story and end with a helpful way for you to help others who have experienced something similar or any kind of hard season of life. I pray this episode is a blessing - bring the tissues!
Episode 5 : Children & Body Image
Lie: the world tells us that our bodies are our own to do what we please with and that they bear little to no value
Truth: the Bible tells us that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit and belong to God and that they bear incredible value
If you listened to last week’s episode then you’ll remember that we talked about this already. Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit and belong to God therefore we are to steward them and properly care for them since they are not our own.
What does this have to do with our children?
Good question.
Q: Caylee, why does this apply to our children and how they view their bodies?
We set an example to our children - how we view our own bodies is what they will grow to learn as how they should view their own bodies
If they learn early on that they are uniquely designed by God in His image then they are more likely to be thankful for their appearance
When our children say they want to be something that they are not we shouldn’t take it and run with it but ask them why they feel that way and use that to have a discussion on why God made them the way that He did.
Specifically teaching our daughters how to respect and love their bodies
Specifically teaching our sons how to respect the females in their lives in addition to how they should be treating their own body as they grow
Episode 4 : Body Image
Lie: The world tells us that we need to look a certain way in order to be “pretty” AND simultaneously the world tells us that we need to consider not caring to be “beautiful”
Truth: God created each one of us uniquely in His image AND we are to care for our bodies as if they are His and not our own
- We need to look a certain way to be “pretty”
Q: What are some ways that you’ve felt the world tell you how you’re supposed to look?
Let’s break this down… let’s be real here. Most of the time we see models that are skinny, well-figured with long beautiful hair, perfect skin, tan, and wearing a ton of makeup.
Is there anything wrong with being skinny or having a good figure or having beautiful hair, perfect skin, being tan, wearing makeup? Absolutely not.
If you possess any or all of these things - cool! This is not a podcast to rip anyone up. This is an episode to combat lies that the world tells us with Scripture.
Sadly when we see a picture of a model we IMMEDIATELY begin comparing ourselves to that model and we slowly tear down any confidence we had in ourselves.
Does the world really care about how we compare ourselves to others?
Q: Classifying “the world” as those who are without a direct relationship with Christ, how would you describe how the world values our bodies?
We IMMEDIATELY forget Who created us and not only that, but after Whose image we’re created to look like.
When we compare ourselves to a beautiful model that’s plastered all over branding for a product or experience or whatever we are comparing ourselves to what the world’s standard is for beauty and not God’s.
- What’s God’s standard for beauty? Well, all of us. Each one of us is uniquely designed by a creative Designer and the example He used when He created us was Himself and that’s AWESOME.
Q: How does it change our perspective when we view ourselves as God’s handiwork?
“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”
Genesis 1:27
“Whoever sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed, for God made man in his own image.”
Genesis 9:6
“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”
Psalm 139:14
“When God created man, he made him in the likeness of God.”
Genesis 5:1b
When we criticize ourselves for the way that we look we are not only criticizing our Designer for His work, but we are criticizing the way that God Himself looks.
Let’s be real - we have ALL struggled with self-confidence in how we look in some way, shape, or form. Even the prettiest among us has struggled with self-confidence in some aspect. We have all stood in the mirror and frowned as we look ourselves over, carefully studying every detail to find some area for fault or imperfection.
God is the source of all design, creativity, and beauty. He defines beauty. He gave us so many gorgeous places to see on earth. That same Designer designed you.
- The world also tells us at the exact same time that we’re supposed to just accept ourselves as we are whether we are caring for our bodies or not.
I’m not saying that the new Barbie dolls that have some reality to their figures are bad nor am I saying that the shift that we are seeing in our culture to not write off anyone who isn’t perfectly skinny isn’t healthy or beautiful.
What I’m saying is that we should be aware of walking into the hole of “letting things go” and not caring for our bodies the way that they should be cared for.
There’s a fine line between being content with how God created us and calling ourselves beautiful as we are and not properly caring for our bodies the way that we need to be.
Q: What would you say the biggest difference between when the world tells us to “love ourselves” versus when God says that is?
- Since we are created in God’s image we need to remember that we do not own our bodies but we are to steward them.
The difference between ownership and stewardship is ownership is caring for something that belongs to you and stewardship is caring for something that belongs to God.
At the end of the day, everything we have belongs to God since He’s the One Who gave us the ability to do our job and blessed us with the job we have in order to live in our homes, drive our cars, and so on and so forth. That’s for another episode.
But what I mean specifically here is that we are to steward our bodies well since they do not belong to us but to God. He’s the Designer and is allowing us to occupy them while we are here on earth. Having an eternal perspective on everything puts everything into perspective.
Q: Why do you think we forget so easily that everything we’ve been blessed with, including our bodies, is a gift from God?
“Food is for the stomach and the stomach is for food, but God will do away with both of them. Yet the body is not for immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body.”
I Corinthians 6:13
“for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,”
Ephesians 5:29
“If any man destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him, for the temple of God is holy, and that is what you are.”
I Corinthians 3:17
Therefore we should have an eternal perspective on our bodies, treating them as God’s and not our own.
If we viewed them as God’s do you think that we would dress to point others to Him or ourselves?
If we viewed them as God’s do you think that we would feed them poorly if we had healthier options at our fingertips?
If we viewed them as God’s do you think we would use them to sit on our butts and binge watch Netflix or serve Him through serving our families and communities well?
(Side note - depression is a very real thing and if you are suffering from it let me encourage you to please seek help and know this is not to demean what you are going through.)
Q: What would be something that you would change daily if you viewed your body as being God’s and not your own?
When we look in the mirror we should smile because we were created uniquely by the same Designer of the universe - of everything that exists. We were created in HIS image to reflect Him! How amazing is that?! When we look in the mirror our hearts should fill with gratitude because it’s those arms that carry the children that God gave you when they’re hurt or sad or just want to snuggle, it’s those legs that chase them around the house trying to get them dressed and ready for the day, it’s that face that they view as being absolutely perfect and brings our children so much comfort. Our bodies should instill a heart of gratitude, not a heart of shame.
At the end of the day we have to remember two things about our bodies:
- They are beautifully designed by God and you are beautiful the way you were created
- Since we’re made in God’s image and designed by Him, our bodies are not our own and we need to love them and care for them well
The world tells us over and over again that as a mom we have to “find ourselves” after having our children and that in order to properly do so we have to perform self-care.
It is true that when we have our babies we go through a period of transition.
“A first-of-its-kind study has revealed that the architecture of women's brains changes strikingly during their first pregnancies, in ways that last for at least 2 years. In particular, gray matter shrinks in areas involved in processing and responding to social signals. This may mean that new mothers' brains are more efficiently wired in areas that allow them, for instance, to respond to their infant's needs or to detect threatening people in their environments. The changes correlated with standard tests of a mother's attachment to her infant—and they occurred whether a woman conceived naturally or using in vitro fertilization.”
-science.org
https://www.science.org/content/article/pregnancy-resculpts-women-s-brains-least-2-years
Not only do our brains go through these major changes but our bodies do too.
For me personally I know my stomach and abs have changed, my hips have changed, my feet grew, my hair texture changed, my skin texture changed - not sure about you but SO MUCH changed.
Body image is a whole other topic that we can discuss later but for now let’s stick to the meat of the matter - the lie that we lose ourselves.
As Christians, our identity is not found in ourselves but in Christ.
Ephesians 1:5 says, “he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will”
I Corinthians 6:17 says, “But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him.”
Romans 6:6 says, “We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin.”
Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you.”
Not only does the Bible say over and over again that God chose us unto Himself, He specifically and intentionally created us individually and uniquely, but we are also His. We belong to Him.
Romans 1: 7-8 says, “For none of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself. For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.”
The Bible clearly says, “we are the Lord’s” and we are paid for through the blood that Christ spilled for us on the cross. We are purchased. We are adopted. These are amazing things!
Why do we forget this so easily?
I recently read in the “She Works His Way” book (highly recommend) that women are constantly reminded at seminars, sermons, devotionals, bible studies, you name it - that are identity is found in Christ and not in ourselves. Why is that? Why is that women forget this truth so easily?
As a woman, when we get married our last name and duties change, when we have babies our bodies and duties change again, as our children grow up their needs change and therefore our duties change again. Our job as a wife/mom or even just as a single Christian woman is constantly changing.
If we looked to our job to find our identity we would be constantly trying to recalibrate and constantly be lost. I think this is what’s happening personally.
If we looked to being a mom to find our identity we would once again, be confused and disoriented since that is constantly changing and it doesn’t define who you are. It’s your job. Being a mom is our assigned duty from the Lord. He calls us to it.
What defines us isn’t what we do but who we belong to.
There’s so much hope in that!
We are sinners and sin EVERY SINGLE DAY. Not a day goes by that we aren’t constantly sinning and in need of God’s matchless grace and to be reminded of the truth of the gospel.
If we looked to our imperfect mothering methods for where our identity lies we would constantly be trying in our own strength to make up for it - to have a better identity. But that battle isn’t one we need to fight.
Our identity is in Christ - that is who we are. Praise the Lord for that!
I think that if we focused on where our true identity lies that we wouldn’t think we’re losing ourselves when we have our babies. Instead we would realize that the changes we’re going through are completely normal.
The changes that our brains, bodies, and hormones go through are not only normal but they don’t change who we are.
They don’t remove us from being in Christ.
Even though the world tells us that we need to “find ourselves” after “losing ourselves” that’s just not true.
We aren’t losing ourselves - we still belong to Christ but we are GAINING so much when we have our babies.
Last week we talked about how achieving balance in this life is just not only not going to happen but it’s not something we should be striving for as we plan out our days.
What we should be aiming for is to set our priorities straight.
What do you think our number one priority is as a mom?
Your kids? Your home? Your cooking? The answer is nope to all three of those.
Since our identity is not found in our job (motherhood) our number one priority is not our children but our Savior.
Stay with me here. In order for everything to fall into it’s proper place God HAS to be number one in our lives, every moment of every day - not just on Sunday.
Yes, it’s super important to attend church on Sunday, be under the teaching and preaching of God’s Word, worship together as a church family and fellowship with other believers while teaching our children how to do these things as they grow up in this environment BUT Sunday is not the only day where God should be number one.
Even though we get up before the kids to spend some time praying and reading and studying Scripture we need it to dictate how we are throughout the entire day - not just in those 20-30 minutes we set aside for our quiet time.
Before I get into what comes after God as number one, let’s look at how putting God first practically works in our day-to-day work as a mom.
When we put God first we will speak kindly to our children instead of lash out because we remember that God does not lash out at us even though we mess up and whine and are constantly reminded of the same truths that we forget. If God can be patient and loving with us, then we can be patient and loving with our children.
When we put God first we will make our daily sacrifices such as feeding the kids first even though we’re starving, giving them our last sip of water, not going on our girls night because our kiddo is sick, giving them our clothes when it’s cold outside so on and so forth - we will make these sacrifices for our children with an attitude of rejoicing instead of complaining or instead of thinking that we deserve some Starbucks or that candy bar at home because we sacrificed for our kids. We won’t complain or whine about it but instead we will rejoice because we first of all, are blessed with raising this human being that has this need and we will remember all the needs that God meets in our life and really it boils down to remembering how Jesus met our most ultimate need - that of redemption.
When we put God first we will remember what His Word says. We will desire to read it, desire to study it, and hide it in our hearts gladly because we love God and put Him first. When we dwell and study Scripture it changes us.
Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
Joshua 1:8
This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.
Psalm 1:1-6
Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers. The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous; …
When we put God first we allow Him to change us and mold us into becoming more Christlike because guess what? If we try to set our priorities straight or love our children perfectly on our own we will fail every single time.
So now let’s work through the rest of our priorities, how should they look.
If we have God first then what comes next?
Well let’s look to Proverbs 31…
Verse 10 says, “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.”
So the very first thing that is mentioned about the “Woman who fears the Lord” is that she is an excellent wife. Now I know that there are mommas out there without a husband - either their husbands are deployed or have left them or they have passed away - so this looks a little different for everyone but the idea is that if you are married then your husband comes next. Not the kids.
Verse 11 says, “the heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.”
It’s not until verse 15 that her household is mentioned - referring to her family. She takes care of the provisions and the food, and clothing, and she brings in additional income for her family.
It’s not until verse 28 that her children specifically are mentioned and it says, “her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:” then verse 29 says, “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all’.”
So Proverbs 31 tells us that a woman who puts God first, loves her husband next, and then her children. Even though we introduce ourselves as moms to other women we meet and share our children’s names and ages or grade levels, we are still responsible first to our husbands and then to our children.
The marriage unit is what starts the family unit - it takes a man and a woman to make children - I don’t care what our society tells us these days, the fact remains the same - when a man and woman come together they make babies and make a family. The family unit is the foundational block for society and when that breaks down, so does society. Enough of that rabbit trail…
God first. Marriage second. Children third.
We get this out of order so much. I’m guilty of it. I’m guilty of not putting God first every single day. Guess what? We are ALL sinners and we cannot do it perfectly, we cannot worship God in the way that He deserves. We have to ask the Holy Spirit to help us do that - isn’t that crazy?! We have to ask God to help us worship and love Him properly. If that doesn’t put us in our place in how dependent we are upon God, I don’t know what will.
Since we cannot put God first perfectly all the time, we must continually ask for His help to do so. That means we are in constant communication with Him and turning to Scripture for answers to questions that we have. It’s a process we start from the moment we wake up in the morning until the moment we fall asleep at the end of our day.
It’s hard. It’s really hard momma. But you know what? God gives us the tools - the Holy Spirit living inside of us and the Bible to provide instruction and truth and light in a dark world. We’re not on our own to figure this out - God is holding us close to Himself.
Praise Him!
I hope this was helpful with where our priorities should be: God first, husband second, children third.
I hope you’ll join me next time as I dive deeper into the idea of whether or not we lose ourselves when we have our babies. What do you think?
The world tells us how to find the perfect balance and usually it involves in first serving and loving yourself and then serving and loving others. Unfortunately you will always come up short and have to recalibrate.
- Balance cannot happen because of sin
No matter how hard we try, because of sin, we will never achieve the balanced life we seek on this side of heaven. Balance = perfection and perfection is impossible due to sin.
Perfection would mean that our children would always do what we ask, when we ask them to do it, and how we ask them to do it - every single time.
Perfection would mean that we would have the perfect level of energy and optimal health every single day.
Perfection would mean that every single relationship we have with every single person is perfect every single day.
Perfection would mean that our husbands are making the right amount of money and loving us perfectly every single day.
This is just not possible. Not with sin.
Our children have good moments and bad moments, good days and bad days. We never know what is going to happen. They could be sick one day, go through a temper tantrum stage, learning to potty train -there are so many obstacles with kiddos that could throw off an entire day. There are days when we are disciplining about 75% of our day and the laundry didn’t get done so that means that everyone’s clothes are still dirty and your husbands work clothes didn’t get cleaned and he shows his frustration towards your inability to get it done and doesn’t love you perfectly in that day.
There are days that we wake up not feeling so great because we’ve managed to catch what the kids have and even though they’ve been low on energy the last few days due to illness allowing you to get more housework done, now you’ve got to somehow care for them while sick. Dinner isn’t made so you all eat cereal. They watch TV for the third day in a row because now you’re sick and school work isn’t getting done because you just can’t.
Since we’re all sinners we may say or do something to unintentionally hurt someone we love and they grow bitterness towards us and eventually explain why we aren’t getting a Christmas card this year. Then we become upset because we can’t believe they sat on their bitterness for that long without giving us a chance to make it right.
Our husband might get laid off and you have to suddenly limit all spending on anything and everything and that just puts a whole level of stress on your marriage and family that you just didn’t expect.
These are just snippets of living in a sin-cursed world that means that we will NOT know perfection or a perfect balance on this side of heaven.
- Balance would mean we wouldn’t need Jesus
If we had a perfectly balanced life then why would we need salvation? Why would we need daily grace? Why would we need redemption and forgiveness?
If we somehow achieved a perfect balance in our lives we wouldn’t need the help of Jesus
Philippians 4:19
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
1 Peter 5:7
Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
Hebrews 4:16
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Psalm 55:22
Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.
All of these verses say two things: we need God and He meets all our needs.
If we need God that means we haven’t figured it all out, which means we have not achieved perfect balance.
And guess what?
That’s okay. It’s actually great. It brings us a lot of hope that we don’t have figure it out. We don’t have to find that perfect balance.
- It’s not balance but prioritizing properly
Even though it’s not our jobs to find perfect balance, it is our job to set our priorities in the correct order.
Now anytime we are corrected we start to puff out our fur because we don’t want to hear that we’re not doing things the right way - I’m the same way.
But hear me out.
When we are ranking things in matter of importance we need to first remember Who needs to be number one - that is our Lord and Savior. Unfortunately since we are sinners we are constantly idolizing things, people, ideas, ourselves, etc. But despite our inability to love God perfectly He grants so much grace and forgiveness towards us.
When we look at our day practically-speaking, what are we spending most of our time doing? What are we spending most of our time thinking about? What takes up most of our money? What takes up most of our attention? What do we care most about?
These are all questions that we’re going to work through on this podcast. Im so excited to pick this apart with you!
But let’s end today reminding ourselves that life balance is not achievable on this side of Heave BUT setting our priorities in the right order IS and we can do this together!
Join me next week when we discuss how to prioritize our time each day to reflect God’s design as a mom.