My Healing Village: Recent Episodes
Regina Marie
A simple search on the internet for Veterans Day quotes would show up this line which says, “We don't know them all, but we owe them all.”
It’s not credited to anyone, but whoever said this just nailed it right through the core. It’s true. We may never know each and every one of our heroes, but we owe them everything—our life, our liberty, and the way we are now are all thanks to them. And so on this day, we celebrate them, we honor them, and show our deepest gratitude for their utmost bravery and patriotism.
But part of celebrating them should not just be about remembering those who have passed on but also looking after those who continue to live and those who continue to serve. Part of honoring them should include making ways to ensure that our veterans and armed forces—the Army, Marine Corps, Navy, Air Force, Space Force, and Coast Guard, all of them—also get the help and improvement that they deserve. And part of that is that they get to be understood and loved and that they get the help they truly need, especially when it comes to their mental health and wellness.
Words of Healing
- One of the biggest problems that veterans face right now is not really having the resources or funding to get mental behavioral services that they so desire, crave, and really need. - Regina Marie
- For our veterans that are still alive today, It's important to recognize the sacrifices they have made and continue to make. - Regina Marie
- I'm a firm believer that the relationship with their caregiver from early infancy to teenage years impacts everything else that they may be experiencing. - Regina Marie
- So, for example, if our veterans are suffering from depression, low self-worth, suicidal thoughts, perfectionism, or anxiety, where does all of that stem from? - Regina Marie
- It stems from the relationship they had with their parents or their caregivers; the experiences they witnessed. What they learned about love is what taught them how to love as an adult—how to love themselves, how to love their peers, how to love their leaders, and what love to accept in return—because we accept the love that we think we deserve. - Regina Marie
- I know it can be scary to open that up when you're just trying to move past it. But that's not how you're going to work through it. You're literally just ignoring the problem. You're not patching it up. You're not actually stopping the bleeding. - Regina Marie
- You have to just talk about it. It doesn't mean that you have to go relive every aspect of it, but acknowledge that it has happened. Process where you think it came from, and allow the emotions to come out. Allow yourself to feel those feelings so that you can work through them. - Regina Marie
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Trigger Warning: This episode includes references and actual experiences of different types of abuse.The love that we attract is the love that we project.
Consciously or not, we captivate the kind of love that reflects us. So, we often ask ourselves: Why did I end up with somebody similar to someone I hated the most? Why do I stay in the cyclical highs and lows of a relationship when it was what I escaped from home?
Jennifer Fostino finds that the answer to this question lies with familiarity. It’s because it’s the kind of love that we were used to. Even in this sense, it’s so true how our childhood shapes the individuals we later on become.
An abusive and unequal family dynamics make the home a place for trauma. And you can only imagine how torturous the home can be if one finds the military more of a safe haven than home. At least, that’s what my sister, Jen, feels like.
In celebration of Veterans Day, I sit for a chit chat with my sister who worked at the military and now in the Air Force, and we revisit her journey to the military, to being deployed in the war field, and why, despite all the traumatic experiences she was also exposed to in the field, she thinks her civilian life has given her more trauma than the military.
Words of Healing
- Mentally, coming home was very hard, especially being gone that long, getting back into society, dealing with stop lights, dealing with everyday people, just all the little things, even just having to do your own laundry and food not being cooked. - Jennifer Fostino
- We definitely wanna look back and we would've done it again, especially if we had our kids. Regardless of the crap that we dealt with, we got these babies out of it. I would do it again for that, but I wouldn't do it again for anything else. - Regina Marie
- There's a certain grit, resilience, and trauma that were experienced at a younger age that allowed them to believe that they’ve dealt with this shit. The military is going to be nothing compared to that. - Regina Marie
- It's gonna reverse the hope, the negativity from our childhood, and put a positive spin on it to use that anger for our passion, for our job, to protect others, to have your comradery, and to have your battle buddies and protect them at all costs. - Regina Marie
- We were in a household where you were definitely scared of your father—who preferred it that way cuz he thought that's what created discipline. - Jennifer Fostino
- I had a lot of resentment towards mom because I felt that she was allowing this to happen and that she wasn't able to stop it. She wasn't addressing it or thinking of her children first. - Jennifer Fostino
- Because you have those good times, you think you can deal with the bad ones. What I didn't realize is, because out of everybody, I hated dad the most, so why would I end up marrying somebody like him? - Jennifer Fostino
- It is familiar. It's something they're used to if it's the devil that they know. So that’s the whole reason, even with me, why I stayed so long. - Jennifer Fostino
- For me, being in the military is just giving me that outlet where I could be more myself because the military is a little bit more direct. They are a little bit more straightforward. - Jennifer Fostino
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Trigger Warning: This episode includes references and actual experiences of different types of abuse.“Love comes when you least expect it.”
Says a common quote, and also a lesson Katrina Smith learned from her mom. It indeed came when she least expected it and when she didn’t want it. Coming from an abusive relationship with the father of her children, Katrina was in no right shape of mind when she entered a new relationship. She was still reeling from the trauma, but who wouldn’t be swayed by promises of forever and marriages and of being treated like a princess? Isn’t he prince charming?
Little did she know that an abusive person can very much disguise himself as prince charming. And a damsel, in the beginning, Katrina kept her eyes closed from all the red flags until she just woke up seeing that her fairytale ended in a nightmare.
This episode is a testament to how can one love you in a literal torturous way, and Katrina coming out alive of it is a big triumph against abuse.
Words of Healing
- I think my ultimate goal was I wanted to buy a multi-unit apartment complex or a house as a safe haven to try to help women who are ready to leave situations but couldn't go anywhere because, in my process of that attempt, I didn't have anyone. - Katrina Smith
- Abuse really messes with your head, and if it's someone who is calculated, and they know what they've been doing, and have a finesse to it, then you really don't even know what's going on until it's too late. - Katrina Smith
- My mom would always tell me that love would show up when you least expected it and when you don't want it. And I didn't want it. - Katrina Smith
- I hate to romanticize him, but he spoke like a romance novel. - Katrina Smith
- Everybody tells you about fight or flight, but they don't ever mention that you can become literally paralyzed from fear and not be able to think. - Katrina Smith
- I was terrified all the time. I did whatever he said. Whatever he wanted me to do, I would. - Katrina Smith
- I had a bunch of nurses charge into my room like they were ready to fight this guy. I was like, “This is what I needed the whole time.” I just needed a tribe of people willing to defend my then weak-minded self who couldn't defend myself. - Katrina Smith
- I've been living in the same place for five years consistently, which is a huge feat for me. I feel safe. I'm not in survival mode anymore. - Katrina Smith
- Now I can really filter what I allow into every part of my brain and my home. I took control back. I felt so out of control for so long. - Katrina Smith
- My value as a person isn't about what my body can do. - Katrina Smith
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Resource Mentioned
- American Psycho - May Harron (2000)
Trigger Warning: Please note that this episode includes references to and actual experiences of different types of abuse.In celebration of World Mental Health Day, we are honored to meet several people who emerged victorious after conquering and surviving domestic abuse.
Jess, an advocate of protecting women against domestic violence and abuse, did not realize how strong she was after becoming a mother at a young age and ending her 12-year relationship with abusive and narcissistic partners. She went on with high hopes believing that these men would stand out to be responsible and loving fathers to her children yet both failed her, leaving the obligation to raise her kids while dealing with the effects of long-term abuse.
Alec, a loving husband who has been patient and loyal to his abusive wife shows us what it looks like to be on the other side of the common marital abuse cases. His self-worth and the capacity to show his strength were always hindered by his wife’s derogatory remarks and continuous actions of making him feel inferior and hopeless throughout their relationship.
Both experiences taught us about empowerment and self-love for they eventually discovered who they really are as overcomers of this prevalent problem - domestic abuse.
Join them as they shed light on how they were able to discover their true self and how all those experiences turned out to be their life's greatest blessings.
Words of Healing
- After I left I genuinely had a good laugh and really felt the joy of whatever I was experiencing at the time. - Jess
- I am definitely happy where I'm at. I fought and I am still fighting. - Jess
- I’m here to let other women know that you don't deserve to be abused. - Jess
- It takes a village to raise a baby, as it also takes a village to heal. - Regina
- I always confronted my husband and now I look back, I didn't know what gaslighting was. I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he was really trying to sell a lie. - Jess
- I didn't wanna fall in love because when I fell, I fell hard. - Jess
- I wanted to grow with someone. I don't want to madly fall in love with sight because that always dies. - Jess
- I am loved the way that I have longed for. - Jess
- To find comfort in knowing that there's an end to abuse just makes it a lot easier to let things just roll off instead of holding them in. - Alec
- I think it was wearing away my kind self-worth every time I make a little mistake, for her, it would be a huge thing. - Alec
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Resource Mentioned
- To Hell and Back - Maren Morris (Girl, 2019)
Trigger Warning: Please note that this episode includes references to and actual experiences of different types of abuse.
As we celebrate World Mental Health Day, we put the spotlight on courageous women who have survived different forms of abuse and have emerged stronger, more resilient, and even joyful.
Daniela and Laura are two people with different lives, living thousands of miles away from each other, yet share a common tragic experience. They are both victims of abuse from people they trust and were supposed to love them. One was abused by her father and the other by her husband - and that caused trauma in their lives.
But the beauty of surviving abuse - and when I say beauty I mean it in the most positive and invigorating manner - is that it gives the victim unimaginable strength, wisdom, and compassion that one might think won’t even be possible for someone who has undergone something so ugly, painful and traumatic.
By listening to their stories, you are joining us as we refuse to let the abuser claim victory. Instead, we take courage and joy in Daniela and Laura and their amazing healing journey.
Words of Healing
- I lived in constant fear growing up because afraid of my father’s retaliation. He kept putting me down. And I grew up with the perception that I'm never gonna be much because my dad constantly said I was nothing. - Daniela
- As a daughter, you want your, father to be proud of you. Looking back, he didn't have much education and he was always drunk. He couldn't even comprehend what I was doing. I can't expect that from him. I have to find self-worth on my own. - Daniela
- We don't need the approval of anybody. - Daniela
- Your worth comes from the fruits of what you producing life. Are you a genuine person? Are you taking care of others? Do you care to lift others up? Then you can look back and say, yeah, I did some good. - Daniela
- I was feeling very angry, very guilty, and shame. All those feelings that I once was constantly living through were at its surface. And I realized, oh my God, I have a lot of work to do. I really thought that I had overcome that. - Laura
- Hurt people hurt people. The amount of damage that my husband did was a lot. It's a pain. - Laura
- We try to downplay abuse a little bit. To allow us to not think that it isn’t as big of a deal as it is. And what you experienced - no one should experience. No one deserves to have gone through what you went through. - Regina Marie
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Let’s face it, we all have our fair share of traumas, most commonly because of something our parents did. Yes, our very own parents. While most parents mean well, there are some who may not know how to raise a child in a loving or nurturing environment. They can be stubborn, unwilling to listen, and would even disregard their children’s feelings.
Oftentimes, these types of parents grew up in households with parents who were similarly unaffectionate or disconnected from them. They most likely didn’t receive the kind of love and care that can also lead them to reciprocate the same for their own children.
In this episode, I talk about how trauma is passed down from generation to generation, as well as ways to successfully break this cycle.
Healing Points of This Episode:
- Don’t involve yourself with someone or something that doesn’t want or need you.
- There’s no need to please everyone, you just need to focus on yourself and the people who are important to you.
- Everyone is responsible for their own, you don’t have to feel guilty about not doing a certain thing for them.
Words of Healing
- It is not your responsibility to convince other people of your worth. Your responsibility is to know your worth and value and keep that standard set.
- We don’t tell women to calm down, that was his first mistake.
- If you only have the capacity to speak to those people or to perform acts of service for people that you feel that reciprocity, don't feel guilty about not giving it to everyone. You’re not responsible for everyone’s needs.
- Remember your goodness as a person isn't based on how much you give in relationships and it isn't selfish to set limits on people who keep taking and taking until you run dry.
- You can't control what they're going to do. They're going to try to see what they can get away with and who they can get it away with. You are not that person anymore. You are not there to accept the breadcrumbs.
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Resource Mentioned
- Adult Children by Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson
- How To Avoid Falling In Love with a Jerk by John Van Epp
Being in an abusive relationship takes a massive toll on a person, often times it leaves them with nothing but trauma, and recovering takes a lot of time and effort especially when the wound is deep and can’t be patched up quickly. There are ways how to slowly get up and heal from the trauma, one is self-compassion. But how will self-compassion make you a better version of yourself and how this change will affect the people around you?
Detach yourself from the toxic environment you’re in, It’s never too late to let go even when you’ve kept on coming back to the same scenario over and over again.
As we conclude this two-part mini-series, let's dive deeper and talk about self-compassion as well as having a deeper understanding of setting boundaries and how can this help you let go of the past traumas with our guest speaker, Tiara Thomas, who is a survivor and also a coach for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery.
Healing Points of This Episode:
- Abuse does not happen only to women, but also to men.
- Self-awareness is self-compassion.
- In order to have boundaries, you have to get to know yourself.
Words of Healing
- Sometimes the most compassionate thing that you can do for someone is to allow them to feel the full extent of the consequences of their actions - Tiara Thomas
- What is best for you is always what is best for the people around you - Tiara Thomas
- We still need boundaries for ourselves and for others, because without those containers, then nothing changes, nothing progresses - Tiara Thomas
- You can't love someone else until you learn how to love yourself and you can't give true compassion to others until you learn how to truly give yourself compassion - Regina Marie
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Connect with Tiara:
- Linktree
Setting boundaries is often viewed as a preventive measure that can help us avoid falling into the cycle of violence and abuse. But when one is already deep into the void and all that’s left to do is either sink further or grasp for air and rise above, we sometimes forget that we have to protect whatever is left within us by setting boundaries. Yes, it's never too late to do that. Even if you are already scarred, exhausted, and devastated – it is still imperative to understand and establish your limits so that you can break free from the trauma bond and, ultimately, stop enabling your abuser’s toxicity and manipulation. By doing this, you are regaining your worth and confidence through self-compassion.
Consequently, the hope is that you can extend the same amount of compassion to your narcissistic abuser by making them realize the consequences of their actions and by standing firm in your convictions so that they are compelled to seek help and change for the better.
Tune in and understand the true and deeper meaning of being compassionate to others and to one’s self through our guest, Tiara Thomas, who is both a survivor and a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach.
Healing Points of This Episode:
- Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom first before you recognize the need to rise above your situation and seek any sort of resolution or change.
- We have to break belief systems about ourselves to realize our worth again and to break free from situations that chain us.
- Self-compassion or compassion is not self-sacrifice.
- Trying to fix or rescue someone is not being compassionate to them or to yourself, and it can even be a form of manipulation.
Words of Healing
- “When you're sacrificing for others, it's not compassionate to you or to them because how much are you really able to give? You're like pouring from an empty cup; and ultimately, nobody wins in that scenario.” – Tiara Thomas
- “[By] sparing someone else's feelings and not speaking your truth and not being authentic, you are kind of removing choice in your relationships. You're not allowing other people to express themselves authentically. And it's actually not compassionate towards them to not give them an authentic reflection of what you're seeing as well.” – Tiara Thomas
- “When we understand something, we don't have fear. Fear is the one thing, I think, that really blocks compassion; because fear comes from a lack of understanding.” – Tiara Thomas
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Connect with Tiara:
- Linktree
- Wisio
Resource Mentioned
- Brene Brown
Trigger Warning: Please note that this episode contains depictions of suicide that some people may find disturbing.
The word “suicide” can elicit many different reactions or responses from people. And for the longest time, the mental health problems or life circumstances that may be factors leading to it have been misunderstood, overlooked, or even avoided. Though more and more people are raising awareness about suicide prevention, it is still considered a topic of discussion that many of us would not want to engage in. More so, a lot of us dread being in a situation where we are compelled to actually talk with and help a person who is planning to commit suicide. Perhaps because we know deep inside that it’s not just about asking the difficult question, “Are you planning to end your life?” But the terrifying thing is that we don’t know what the answer is going to be.
In the last episode, I poured out my sentiments and insights about this issue which is considered a sensitive but highly relevant topic. This time, Luis Weger – a certified Master Suicide Intervention Trainer – shares more information and wisdom about the factors potentially related to suicide, the difference between warning signs and risk factors, the misconceptions about providing help or interventions, and many more. He also shares valuable resources that can help anyone become better equipped – whether you are a person who wants to extend help or you are at the receiving end and want to reach out. May this episode provide enlightenment and hope, especially to those who need them the most. Healing Points of This Episode:
- When it comes to helping someone who wants to end their life, remember that it’s never about fixing the problem. It's about being there with them so they know they're not alone.
- It helps if you can recognize the warning signs of suicide, and if you can distinguish between warning signs and risk factors.
Words of Healing
- There's a lot of meaning that people place in different circumstances, elements, and relationships that can really put them in a dark place. – Luis Weger
- There are lots of risk factors out there, but the warning signs [of suicide] are usually the changes in behavior and the actions that we see happening. – Luis Weger
Resources Mentioned:
- LivingWorks
- ASIST: Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training
- Brené Brown on Empathy vs Sympathy
- Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ
- Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box
- The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
- Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation
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Trigger Warning: Please note that this episode contains depictions of suicide that some people may find disturbing.
The 10th of September each year is considered World Suicide Prevention Day. Since suicide has alarmingly become a public health concern, more and more organizations, government agencies, and individuals are focusing their attention on raising awareness about the issue and creating safe spaces for people who may be on the verge of losing hope and just wanting to end it all.
For victims of abuse and violence in a relationship, suffering from mental health concerns may sometimes be inescapable. Because of our experiences, we develop negative thinking patterns that ultimately affect how we perceive ourselves and how we live our daily lives. Eventually, if not addressed properly, the cognitive dissonance that we have been enduring can lead to more serious concerns such as losing the will to survive.
If you have ever been in that situation, I hear you. I am here for you. Keep the faith and know that there is hope and light in this world amidst darkness and fear. Never forget that you, yourself, may also be the light and hope that someone needs. In this episode, I hope you feel at least a glimpse of comfort and assurance that you are not alone – you are understood, you are valued, and you are loved.
Healing Points of This Episode:
- Awareness about mental health issues and concerns such as suicide are very important topics of discussion and should not be considered taboo.
- We should all make efforts in creating safe spaces for people to reach out, open up, and ask for help in times of losing the will to live.
- You have the ability to provide comfort and assistance to people who may be suffering mental health concerns. You just have to be open and listen with unconditional positive regard and empathy.
Words of Healing
- “When someone comes to you and expresses concern about themselves, calling them selfish is not going to be something that helps them feel heard and seen.” – Regina Marie
- “For those who are actively considering suicide, having an open conversation about their intentions and access to means give advocates the ability to create a safety plan and provide the necessary referrals.” – Regina Marie
Resources Mentioned:
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- National Hopeline Network
- HopeLine Volunteer
- 13 Reasons Why
- The Girl from Plainville
- All the Bright Places
- A Million Little Things
- Note To Self by Stephen Stanley
- Nickelback - Lullaby
- The Fray - How to Save a Life
- Rascal Flatts - Why
- R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts
- Blaine Larsen - How Do You Get That Lonely
- Brandi Carlile - That Year
- Brad Paisley - Whiskey Lullaby ft. Alison Krauss
- Three Days Grace - Never Too Late
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- YouTube
For someone who is in survival mode within an abusive relationship, it takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to reach a point of acceptance – to be able to take off one’s rose-colored glasses and see the situation for what it truly is. Only when you finally accept the fact that you do not really matter to your abuser, and that they would continuously disrespect your boundaries if you allow them, will you be able to realize how unhealthy and wrong it is to hold on and anchor your worth on that person.
But it does not stop with the realizations. You have to make important decisions. Will you choose that person again over yourself? Will you cave in and allow them to be a part of your life again? Or will you finally and completely let go knowing that you don’t need and want them in your life? In this episode, let’s talk about some of the reasons and effects of hoovering, and how our awareness of these things can help us move forward in the right direction!
Healing Points of This Episode:
- Whether a person wants to keep us in their life or not, our value does not depend on anyone’s approval or validation.
- Manipulative narcissists will test how far they can push our boundaries, and we might sometimes be compelled to prove our love and loyalty by allowing them to do so.
- Those who have the tendency to be toxic individuals in a relationship may also be going through their own healing process from rejection or manipulation. It’s never too late to seek help and change for the better.
- Self-respect and finding your self-worth from within are factors that allow us to love and accept others genuinely.
Words of Healing:
- “Stop trying to find your worth in treating someone else poorly to see if they stay. That's never where you're gonna find it. You find your worth within yourself. You find it in what you can give to others.” – Regina Marie
- “Putting up with someone is different than putting up with abusive behaviors.” – Regina Marie
- “Once you find that you're able to fill your cup, that your cup can be filled from you and not from them, that's when your healing's really gonna start. And that's when you will stop hoovering yourself. That is when you will stop ruminating about the good times. And that is when you will begin to happily close that chapter.” – Regina Marie
Resources Mentioned:
- Carrie Underwood - Relapse
- Anson Seabra - Walked Through Hell
- Calum Scott - No Matter What
- Good Will Hunting | 'It's Not Your Fault'
- Faouzia & John Legend - Minefields
- Torrian Ball - Narcissist
- POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse
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What does being authentic mean to you? How can you say that you're 100% true to yourself?
Jean-Paul Sartre, a French philosopher, proposed that authenticity is essential to achieving freedom and living a meaningful life. Only if we embrace and take responsibility for who we truly are can we live with peace, knowing that we don’t have to hide behind pretensions or lies.
Unfortunately, some people cannot keep their sense of self intact and are impelled to deceive others by living a double life. In the process of hiding behind a mask, and with the goal of keeping it on for as long as possible, they eventually become manipulative, narcissistic abusers. How exhausting that kind of life must be. Ever wondered why and how they do that?
In part 2 of my conversation with Kerry McAvoy, she continues to explain the intentions behind narcissistic traits and behaviors. She also shares more signs and red flags to look out for so that we avoid falling into common baits and pitfalls. By understanding it from a psychological perspective, it is my hope that we can all learn further and expose the abusers’ playbook together!
Healing Points of This Episode:
- Narcissists see the world competitively and not collaboratively. It is not your fault that they see you as a threat to their survival. And it is not your fault that you have trusted them. The shame belongs to them, not you.
- Time will eventually reveal the kind of person we truly are.
- Sometimes you are so focused on finding “the one”, without realizing that you are enough – you are that one person you truly need to be genuinely happy.
- You have “super traits” and awesome qualities that narcissists would intentionally use against you. Protect those traits, hold on to them, and never forget your true worth as a person.
Words of Healing
- “You need the whole 360 picture of this person; that will help you to know if it's authentic. And time, time's always your best friend.” – Kerry McAvoy
- “Always know that you are enough. And if [the relationship] goes wrong, you can survive it. This allows you to be both intimately involved, but also not so invested that you're broken if it breaks up.” – Kerry McAvoy
- “We can go into just dating or in a relationship without thinking they're ‘the one.” – Regina Marie
- “If you come into a relationship knowing ‘I'm enough. I am good. I like who I am. I don't need other people to fix, define, or fill me up’ then when these things come along or it isn't as what we hope it to be, we're still okay.” – Kerry McAvoy
Click this link for the full show notes:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zLBz7OlQfKem7hKVwnHVSm7hGDH1pckw3kqrkGbZqks/edit?usp=sharing
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“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego.” – Amanda Torroni, author
Over the years, the concept of love has been excessively romanticized that people often get drowned in cheesy lines, fairytales, and that magical feeling of falling for someone. Yes, passionate/romantic love does make life more interesting and worthwhile; but the reality is, choosing to continue loving someone – even after seeing all the dark and ugly sides – entails hard work and a great deal of understanding and patience, not just for your partner, but for yourself as well. After all, a relationship is ultimately a union of two different and separate individuals with their own emotional and psychological structures.
Unfortunately, in narcissistic-abusive relationships, there is so much uncertainty, deception, and manipulation going on that all our energy and capability to understand and nurture another person and our own self eventually get exhausted over time. Because there are people who feed off our weaknesses and vulnerabilities, we gradually lose our sense of inner strength in the process of trying to save our relationships.
In this episode, which is part 1 of my conversation with the amazing Kerry McAvoy, let’s further understand the concept of cognitive dissonance from a psychological perspective and clear up some concepts related to narcissism. There’s a lot to unpack and digest as you listen, and I hope this enriches your awareness and insights as it did for me.
Healing Points of This Episode:
- You may experience cognitive dissonance in your everyday life in such a way that it’s functional for you. But cognitive dissonance in a narcissistic abusive relationship makes you fall for a person who turns out to be someone else behind the “mask” they wear to manipulate you.
- 3 Categories of Narcissists According to psychology experts: Those who can grow, those who get worse, and those who get dangerous.
- Dealing with a toxic and abusive relationship can cause great damage to a person’s psychological structure.
- When you allow your partner’s needs to exceed your own needs, you are actually betraying yourself, and that is not what should happen in a healthy, reciprocal relationship.
Words of Healing:
- “In my heart, I wanna say that they (narcissistic abusers) truly are the most insecure people that come across as arrogant and self-righteous and entitled, but they are begging for scraps of attention so much that they can't get it from one full person.” – Regina Marie
- “Narcissistic personality disorders, and personality disorders as a whole, are not nurtured. 80% has been shown in twin studies that this is a born trait.” – Kerry McAvoy
- “We connect with each other most intimately when we're the most vulnerable. And that especially includes our brokenness. We connect universally around our brokenness.” – Kerry McAvoy
- “If you want to break the trauma bond, which is based on fear of loss, fear of rejection, and fear of everything, you have to resolve the cognitive dissonance. You have to decide in your head who it is that you're really in a relationship with.” – Kerry McAvoy
Click this link for the full show notes:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/185UGwOv8Mz8_qpsiL4_6qf83r--qDGN7EaouL2m1U1Q/edit?usp=sharing
Follow Regina Marie:
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Ending a relationship with a narcissist can be such an eye-opening experience; it is when we finally discover layers of ugly truths behind the mask of the abuser. On the one hand, it must be a relief to finally break free from the "beast" that chained you. On the other hand, it may also be a way for you to understand the real nature of that person – the behaviors, the patterns, and the perspective from which they view you as a victim. And while it is the same person who caused you pain and "suffering", it may be helpful if you can understand the underlying issues and childhood traumas that most probably impelled him/her to become an abusive person.
In previous episodes, we have unlocked some terms related to the cognitive dissonance that we go through within an abusive relationship – there's the love bombing and devalue phase and the rumination, among others. This episode covers the next stage in the narcissistic abuse cycle – the discard phase. Let’s talk about what happens once a narcissist hooks the victim and starts revealing their true self.
Healing Points of This Episode:
- The discard phase can go into several different directions. You have the power to take control and get out of it while you still can.
- As much as we want to love and understand someone, if the person behind the mask that you fell in love with makes you feel pained, harmed, and distressed, then it’s never worth it.
- Your path to healing starts with recognizing the deep-rooted reasons why you are compelled to stay in the relationship.
Words of Healing:
- You discarding them definitely gives you an upper hand – of feeling in control if you will; but whichever way the cookie crumbles, your heart was still broken and emotional damage was still caused. – Regina Marie
- The majority of abusers or narcissists don't truly mean to cause you pain, they just haven't fully handled their traumatic past. They're still bleeding wounds and they haven't accepted the lessons to be learned from their abusive caregivers. – Regina Marie
- This is why the discard hurts us so badly as survivors – because we want to show them that we are also the ride-or-die type. We want to prove our loyalty, our commitment, our unconditional love; and we think that if we just loved them enough,... then they would treat us differently today instead of projecting their pain onto us and placing limited beliefs on our character. – Regina Marie
Resources Mentioned:
- The Art Of Letting Go
- Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts
- Snow & Teqkoi - I'm Not Enough And I'm Sorry
- Fame on Fire - Without Me
- Blackbear - At My Worst
- All Time Low: Monsters (feat. Demi Lovato and blackbear
- SLANDER - Love Is Gone (ft. Dylan Matthew)
- Conor Maynard - What I Put You Through
Follow Regina Marie:
- YouTube
When we're with a toxic or narcissistic person, what we may not necessarily be consciously aware of is that we are in a constant state of heightened anxiety. – Trey De La Torre
Going through an abusive or toxic relationship is painful and exhausting as it is. The awful cycle and patterns of abuse and manipulation may take a toll on our peace of mind and general well-being. And since healing is not linear, it is natural for survivors of this kind of relationship to experience going back and forth in the process of breaking free, letting go, and attaining closure.
For some, acknowledging the things that went wrong in the relationship and putting pieces together to see a bigger picture can help them forgive and move forward. However, there are others who exert so much effort in trying to understand the behaviors of their abuser to the point of constantly and obsessively thinking about the person. These excessive, repetitive, and unhealthy patterns of trying to make sense of their whole experience are acts of ruminating.
If you feel like you are trapped in this kind of vicious cycle, know that it is okay and that you are not alone! Keep an open mind, be willing to break habits, and reach out to people who can help you.
Learn more from our guest, Trey De La Torre, who is both a survivor of a narcissistic relationship and a mentor. He aims to coach others in developing the discipline and commitment to carry out healthier habits and self-care routines that will guide them in breaking the rumination cycle.
Healing Points of This Episode:
- Breaking the rumination cycle may take a lot of time, work, and conscious effort.
- You need to have the discipline and commitment to be able to break free from unhealthy patterns and compulsive behaviors.
- Trying to make sense of an abusive relationship may lead you to obsessive and repetitive thinking which affects your mental health.
- Developing healthier habits to end the rumination cycle can be a form of self-care.
Words of Healing:
- There really is no closure. You have to give it to yourself. They're not gonna give it to you. – Regina Marie
- If I have all this time and all this energy to be focused on what he's doing, what's he lying about, who's he doing this with, and where is he at…that means I have all this extra time and energy. And now I have to teach myself how to reshift that energy back into myself and to take care of myself. – Trey De La Torre
- There's always some kind of negative connotation that happens when you're taking care of yourself. And so the first thing you have to do, or for me, was I had to give myself permission to take care of myself. – Trey De La Torre
Click this link for the full show notes:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1a6SoCdWh4xpDAHLgp0Ba2JHLQLkNezbKigcfQ7MJs88/edit?usp=sharing
Connect with Trey De La Torre:
- Linktree
Follow Regina Marie:
- YouTube
Building a positive self-image does not happen overnight. It requires conscious effort, commitment, and inner strength. For some people, it takes years to outgrow the childhood experiences that damaged their self-esteem and made them question their self-worth. Yes, for most of us, it has been and is still a constant struggle.
What’s worse than dealing with your own childhood trauma is when somebody tries to manipulate you by making you question your worthiness, your beauty, and your essence as a person. Especially with narcissistic partners, our minds may be tricked into believing that our self-image is dependent on how they see and love us.
When they start being over-critical, when all you get are mixed signals and inconsistencies in words and actions, and when they try to put you down in whatever way they can – that’s when the devalue phase begins.
Remember, though, that before you can be devalued, you first have to be valued. That’s why it is so important to understand the love bombing stage before you try to figure out the devalue phase.
It may seem like a tall order to always be attentive to the red flags in your relationships, but you will thank yourself later on if you’re able to unmask your abuser even before the worse forms of abuse begin – and the love bombing and devalue phase may be the right timing for that.
Learn more in this episode as I share some personal experiences and things to look out for to know if you’ve reached the devalue phase!
Healing Points of This Episode:
- Understanding what happens in the love bombing phase will help you recognize red flags during the devalue phase.
- There are signs to look out for to know if you have reached the devalue phase.
- Narcissists and/or abusers might have gone through their own childhood trauma and it is okay to feel emphatic towards them, but it is never our responsibility to be their savior.
- It’s okay if you don’t know how to move on just yet. You may start with something easier like not going back and not allowing yourself to be love bombed and devalued.
- Understanding the devalue phase will save you from further pain.
Words of Healing:
- Each time you allow a narcissist back into your life after they've already devalued you, the abuse will become more frequent and worse than the time before. So remember the narcissist's discard was not meant to cause you pain. It was meant to save your life. – Regina Marie
- The devalue phase is where you have the best chance to walk away unscathed. – Regina Marie
- “I didn't know I was a narcissist actually. I thought narcissism meant you love yourself. And then someone told me there's a flip side to it. It's unrequited self-love. – a quote from a diagnosed, recovering narcissist
- “You can't force someone to respect you, but you can refuse to be disrespected.” – quoted by Regina Marie from Instagram
- You don't always attract what you are. You sometimes attract people who are in desperate need of what you are. – Nashiha Pervina, author, storyteller, and visionary
Click this link for the full show notes:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SWrU6WsocfSjHo2g6wmabOYuqeyWsdSYizTnk5yl2kk/edit?usp=sharing Follow Regina Marie:
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John Bowlby, the main proponent of Attachment Theory, once said, “The propensity to make strong emotional bonds to particular individuals [is] a basic component of human nature.”
Basically, his theory supports the natural tendency of humans to crave and sustain lasting connectedness with family, friends, or romantic partners. Indeed, whether we admit it or not, we all feel distressed or anxious when our relationships go through turmoils that may cause us to lose our connections with people we love.
While the feeling of fear may be the same for everyone, how we respond to the situation differ based on our attachment styles. And each attachment style is anchored on our childhood experiences and our relationship with our primary caregiver/s.
Do you cling too much to your loved one/s because you’re afraid of being abandoned? Or maybe you have the tendency to shut people off and make them feel like you don’t need anybody? Do you seek intimacy and closeness, but you’re too afraid of trusting others? How aware are you of your attachment style and how it affects your behaviors and responses towards people and situations?
Our guest for this episode is Rose Viggiano – a relationship coach and attachment specialist who can share with us more interesting details about different attachment styles and how they can contribute to the successes and challenges in our relationships from childhood through adulthood. She also shares some personal experiences that most survivors of abusive or toxic relationships can relate to, plus a few intentional recommendations as well!
Healing Points of This Episode:
- As a child, we might have developed coping mechanisms that enabled us to get through the difficulties and uncertainties in our relationships with our caregivers.
- Our attachment styles are anchored on our past experiences.
- It is helpful to know and understand your own attachment style to be able to identify your needs in a relationship.
- Understanding your own and your partner’s attachment style can help you increase self-awareness and regulate your own behavior and responses.
Words of Healing:
- “I was really wanting to find an underlying reason because when you find out why it is, then you can make it stop happening. ” – Regina Marie
- “The more they can work on themselves, the more their relationship will change.” – Rose Viggiano
- “ Self-regulation is a huge tool in secure attachment and in healthy relationships.” – Rose Viggiano
Resources Mentioned:
- No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model
- The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships
Click this link for the full show notes:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1a6SoCdWh4xpDAHLgp0Ba2JHLQLkNezbKigcfQ7MJs88/edit?usp=sharing
Follow Regina:
- YouTube
“Abusers are notorious for rushing the first stage of intimacy. This phase is electric and full of promise. Survivors commonly recall being swept off their feet by a man more passionately interested in them than anyone had ever been before.”
― Jess Hill, See What You Made Me Do: Power, Control and Domestic Violence
Most people, if not all, have dreamt of finding that one true love at some point in their lives. Fairy tales with happy endings were introduced to most of us early on, and we started forming idealized versions of our own love stories since our childhood days.
Because being in love has always been excessively romanticized, we oftentimes just focus on the positive feelings and notions that we were made to believe in. We embrace ideas such as feeling butterflies in your stomach, not being able to stop thinking about this person, or giving your all for someone you love – thinking that all of these things are non-negotiables if you are in love. It’s not wrong to acknowledge going through these experiences and be all ecstatic about romance.
However, remember the good old saying, “too much of everything is poisonous.” Yes, it applies to love as well, especially if the kind of excessive love given to you is used to manipulate or cause you damage – whether emotional or in any other aspect. Most abusive or toxic relationships actually start with this kind of deluding experience called the love bombing phase.
In this episode, let’s talk about how the brain works when we are in love and how, as proven by Science, it can be compared to drug addiction. More importantly, let us journey together as we figure out how we can become better navigators of our own thought processes so that we can make better decisions in our relationships.
Healing Points of This Episode:
- Understanding how our brain works when we are in love is necessary to identify patterns and to recognize red flags.
- Excessive love can sometimes lead to manipulation and gaslighting.
- Just because a person makes you feel extremely loved doesn’t mean they will not take advantage of your vulnerability.
- Learning how to identify the telltale signs of love bombing may be helpful, if not necessary, in relationships.
Words of Healing::
- “Of course, I like you. It's because I like you that I don't wanna be with you.” – Quoted by Regina Marie from the movie, Finding Nemo
- “You need to understand your wiring in order to rewire yourself.” – Quoted from the book, Ghosted and Breadcrumbed by Dr. Marni Feuerman
- “The highs are so high that we've learned to cope with the low.” – Quoted from the book, Ghosted and Breadcrumbed by Dr. Marni Feuerman
Resources Mentioned:
- Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships
- Simple Plan - Addicted (Official Video)
- Thomas Rhett - Craving You ft. Maren Morris
Click this link for the full show notes:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fh9EMTblBB7qklyBf-1nLWxR5qpZpdGfL4p-W7z3iTo/edit?usp=sharing
Follow Regina Marie:
- YouTube
Sometimes, we don’t realize that we are in an abusive relationship because the people who create the toxic or even unsafe situations in our lives are the same people who provide most of our needs – physiological or psychological. And deep down, we know that we care and love these people dearly. Sometimes, with the desire of keeping them in our lives or making them happy, we tend to compromise our own needs and happiness.
In episode 6, I talk about how our relationships during childhood can be foundational to our socio-emotional development. The way we were treated as a child can be reflected in the way we view ourselves, how we treat others, and how we nurture relationships as adults. Since most children don’t have the language and mental capacity yet to process problematic and even toxic relationships, they tend to just move along in life with all the confusion, pain, and resentment that come with satisfying their need for love and connection.
It can be a generational struggle where the trauma and pain are perpetuated and passed on from our parents to us, and eventually to our children, and so on.
Nevertheless, we have the power to break the cycle.
Recognize the tools that you have which can help you understand better and will allow you to create a safe space for yourself and those you love.
One of my dearest friends, Kevin Patterson, will talk more about this topic in this episode as he dauntlessly shares his personal struggles growing up, and how he manages to make peace with himself – wholly embracing his light side and dark side and everything in between. Moreover, if you want to learn more about shadow work and how you can apply this in your healing process and in improving your relationships, then you definitely have to tune in to this enlightening episode!
Healing Points of This Episode:
- We have the power to break the cycle of generational trauma and toxicity.
- Dig deep and love yourself for who you genuinely are.
- Shadow work is allowing people to mirror back and reflect back on the parts of you that are looking for validation.
Words of Healing:
- If you think about a person as a whole being, we have our good sides and our dark sides; and shadow work is the sides that we push down because they're uncomfortable. They might not paint us in the best light, but if we don't pull them out and become friends with them, then they just kind of stay in the background. And they can infiltrate our thoughts, they can sabotage our relationships. – Kevin Patterson
- Whether or not [people] accept you, it is what it is. If you choose to leave your abusive situation and they react a certain way, it is what it is. You can't control them. You can't control their responses, but all you can do is focus on being true to who you are. – Regina Marie
Resources Mentioned:
- The Seven Deadly Needs
- Brené Brown
Click this link for the full show notes:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cWEv32G66acQFZPH5JLg9PY7QkpY0BgHZ-S5BEeu78I/edit?usp=sharing
Connect with the Guest
Follow Regina Marie:
- YouTube
So many experts and research on child growth and development would emphasize the significant role of primary caregivers in an individual’s holistic development. They can influence a child’s physical, socio-emotional, and mental aspects, among others. Children’s interactions with caregivers shape their childhood experiences and lead them to form narratives in their minds that later on become their ideals and beliefs as adults.
Take a moment and reflect. How were you treated as a child? Were you allowed to take space in the household and speak your mind? Have you learned to acknowledge your emotions and express them without the fear of disappointing others? What narratives were you made to believe that molded you into the person you are now? These are just some of the questions you can ask to evaluate how your interactions through the years have allowed or hindered you to set boundaries in your relationships.
Nonetheless, there is no justification for abuse and violence; whatever your past is or no matter who you are at present, it is not your fault if you are trapped in an abusive relationship. Your difficulties in setting boundaries should never be used as an excuse or reason to treat you unfairly. However, since you can only control your own actions, realize now that it is never too late to break down the walls you have built to protect yourself; and instead, learn to set some healthy boundaries that will allow you not only to heal but to improve your relationship with yourself and others.
Healing Points of This Episode:
- There are different types of boundaries – physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional.
- When we fail to set boundaries, we start minimizing our individual needs.
- The cycle of not setting and respecting boundaries can be perpetuated into every relationship in our life.
Words of Healing:
- Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. – quoted by Regine Marie from Instagram
- Boundaries are extremely important for healthy relationships and they're a huge part of the healing journey for many of us, yet they are something many people struggle with. – Regina Marie
- As you express, so you experience. – Regina Marie
- Toxic people view boundaries, or you setting boundaries as if you are holding a grudge. – Regina Marie
- Their decision to either better themselves or not has no direct correlation or reflection about your own worthiness. – Regina Marie
Resources Mentioned:
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
- Kylie Morgan - Independent With You
- Beyoncé - Best Thing I Never Had
- Alanis Morissette - Uninvited
- Faouzia & John Legend - Minefields
- Anson Seabra - Walked Through Hell
Click this link for the full show notes:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t0vwLuxnlSHZOwnBzL02FOp8jeDBXJGoLkqny6xEc_c/edit?usp=sharing
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- YouTube
Fear and faith cannot coexist in our hearts at the same time. – Neil Andersen, American Religious Leader
Survivors of abuse and violence may have experienced different kinds of fear that could range from mild to paralyzing. It is an unavoidable emotion that can be triggered by our experiences and circumstances. Subsequently, our fears can dictate our decisions, behaviors, and perspectives.
While it is easy to recognize faith as the other end of the spectrum opposite to fear, some people tend to overlook the fact that faith should be developed and nurtured from within. Especially for those who have been enduring the fright and horrors of abuse, it may take some time to realize how much faith it would take to pull one’s self out of that dark place, let alone have enough courage to overcome one’s fears. That is why we have to constantly remind ourselves that indeed, fear and faith cannot coexist.
In this episode, Dr. Frank Ortega – the founder of One Percent Divorce Recovery Coaching – explains how our deep desire for change can fuel our faith and motivate us to claim our right to fulfillment in life. Moreover, he distinguishes between healthy and unhealthy fears; and how we can use this knowledge to our advantage so that our pains and fears can train us in an empowering way. I am excited for you to hear more about it and I hope that my conversation with Coach Frank will enlighten and inspire you as much as it did for me!
Healing Points of This Episode:
- The pain we feel can train us and dictate how we navigate life – it can either train us in an empowering or disempowering way.
- Faith comes by hearing the Word of God.
- When we speak life into people and share our experiences, faith begins to build up inside of them.
Words of Healing:
- You have to be your own best friend. You have to be your own superhero. – Regina Marie
- It doesn't matter what path you take if you don't know where you're going. – quoted by Regina Marie from Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
- The best way that I can classify it whenever it's an unhealthy fear is [when] I'm just projecting, and I am refusing to risk. And because of that, I'm abandoning my right to fulfillment in life. – Frank Ortega
- Desire is the number one motivator in humans. In anything that we do – you see a human who's done something incredible, there was a deep, deep desire; you've seen somebody who's gotten through like the worst things in the world, there was a deep, deep desire behind it. – Frank Ortega
Resources Mentioned:
- Your World Within Podcast w/Eddie Pinero
- How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self
Click this link for the full show notes:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ir1-pnd6J_zLIVXhZecIpEc79lcUh5FLCFmlZJO-aY8/edit#
Connect with Coach Frank Ortega:
- Website
- Podcast
- Youtube
Follow Regina Marie:
- YouTube
Most of us, at one point in our lives, have known, witnessed, or at least heard about a victim of abuse and violence – whether it was someone we personally know like a friend or family member, a neighbor, or even a celebrity. And perhaps the first and seemingly logical question that people ask when they encounter this situation is, “Why not just leave?”
But for victims and survivors of abuse, we know very well that it’s never as easy as “just leaving.” We go through so many sleepless nights dealing with self-doubt and anxiety. We keep on trying and failing to speak up, reach out, and carry out plans of running off to safety. And amidst all the confusion, pain, and fear, we sometimes end up losing friends and allies.
We may never run out of reasons why it is difficult; but essentially, there are so many barriers that prevent people from leaving an abusive relationship.
In episode 4 of My Healing Village, let us further understand some of the forms and examples of abuse, the reasons why victims don’t speak up, and the stages and consequences we have to face when we finally do stand up for ourselves.
Through my personal experiences, allow me to relate with you. Know that you are not alone in this journey and that there are options and pathways that you can decide to take.
Yes, some people may not understand what you are going through; there will always be someone who would question you with judgment or go as far as gaslighting you. But I hope you also know that there are a lot more others who can support, empower, and validate you.
Healing Points of This Episode:
- Physical abuse does not only mean laying a hand on the victim.
- Abuse can start with threats and intimidation before it moves to actual physical abuse.
- Experts and professionals can help in addressing the trauma caused by the abusive relationship.
- Despite the possibility that family, friends, or allies will not completely understand or help you, do not be afraid to reach out.
Words of Healing:
- Physical abuse isn't just when your abuser lays hands on your body; it is way more than that. Physical abuse can also be damaging properties – such as throwing or destroying objects – punching walls, kicking doors, scaring you by driving recklessly, trapping you in your home or keeping you from leaving, using a weapon to threaten you, and more. – Regina Marie
- “Why do you think you keep going back?” It's an impossible question to answer. You know this, there are literally a million tiny reasons and some deeper rooted ones about self-worth and generational trauma that don't cross our minds half the time while we're in the thick of it. – Regina Marie
- True love is never an addiction because it's not actually a feeling at all. It's a values-based choice. – Lisa Marie Bobby, Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love
Resources Mentioned:
- Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love
- Rising Phoenix Support Group
Click this link for the full show notes:https://docs.google.com/document/d/12_hFfjAbsyqK6r6ihVJYDOFMyHi-AHLnYZgpFARSsH8/edit#
Follow Regina Marie:
- YouTube
The one thing we all have in common is that our silent crime was giving unconditional love.
- Regina Marie
It is true that love involves making sacrifices; being in any kind of relationship entails the responsibility to understand genuinely, give selflessly, and love unconditionally.
But where do we draw the line when it comes to giving up parts of ourselves to fight for the love that we, sometimes, are so desperately trying to save?
This episode – Part 2 of my conversation with Dr. Char Newbold, a domestic violence survivor, advocate, and author – is both an enthralling and enriching experience. After recognizing the stages and cycle of abuse, which we discussed in the last episode, what do we do now? This time, let’s dig deeper into some of the reasons why people stay in unhealthy relationships, ideas and responses that enable abusive behaviors, and steps that we can and should do once we decide to finally break free. Plus, be familiar with some helpful resources that you can read or share with others.
As Dr. Newbold mentions in this episode, “When we're looking at the effects of abuse, it's never about just the one person. It is always about the family.” We all want nothing but to protect, nurture, and love our families. But at some point, unconditional love can also mean saving and taking care of yourself so that you can take care of others.
Healing Points of This Episode:
- As much as you want to, you can never be your partner’s savior.
- You fall in love with a person first before seeing the “beast” that you didn’t know existed. Recognize that you love the person, but do not turn a blind eye to the horrible things he does just to protect and preserve the relationship.
- In case you decide to finally break free, talk to an advocate or reach out to agencies that may offer help and assistance in carrying out your escape plan. Take note of/ track the patterns of abuse and prepare for your next course of action.
- When somebody opens up about domestic violence, it is important to validate their feelings and experiences and to offer options rather than telling them what to do.
- A lot of helpful resources are available. Educate yourself more about domestic violence so you can be armed with information and wisdom.
Words of Healing
- I couldn't be his savior as much as I was trying. I couldn't fix him. Only one can do that, and that's God. I can't fix him. I can't change him. – Dr. Char Newbold
- Every relationship is co-created. That doesn't mean we're responsible for their behaviors or their reactions, but we're responsible for us. And the one thing we all have in common is that our silent crime was giving unconditional love. – Regina Marie
- When we're looking at the effects of abuse, it's never about just one person. It is always about the family. – Dr. Char Newbold
Resources Mentioned:https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_JROnPKwi6XErHqF404Na7J36QSlsOx5/view?usp=sharing
Click this link for the full show notes:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vaAJcdcWwz1ObG5pqEqBy7U5F6lfIFrdIY-x5PCWLns/edit?usp=sharing
Follow Regina Marie:
- YouTube
Being in an abusive relationship is unquestionably a very dark place to be in, and can be a daunting void to get out of. For some victims of domestic violence, seeing light at the end of the tunnel seems impossible. But there are those who got to see a glimpse of hope that led them to the path of healing.
We celebrate the victories of these men and women who are now in their personal healing process, but at the same time, it is also essential to recognize what they went through – the stages they have been accustomed to and the cycle they have endured. That way, we can identify commonalities among experiences of domestic violence and perhaps understand differences among patterns as well.
By learning through the stories of others, we gain different perspectives and we get to take a closer look at the surfaces and layers of this dark and daunting void.
In this episode – which is the first of two parts – Dr. Char Newbold, a domestic violence survivor, advocate, and author among other things, bravely shares her own stories of enduring the cycle of abuse and thriving amidst the healing process. Through her experiences, Dr. Newbold relates how she went through the different stages of domestic violence – and how important it is to recognize and identify the emotions and triggers that come with every stage.
Dr. Newbold’s openness and sincerity in talking about her experiences and sharing her knowledge will, hopefully, make you feel that listening to this podcast is very much like being in a support group. And yes, whether you are still in that dark tunnel or you are following the light and on your way out, know that there are other people who are on or have gone through the same path. But more importantly, know that there are people who are willing to provide help, support, and inspiration.
Healing Points of This Episode:
- Recognizing abuse can be hard; you may get used to denying and minimizing the signs and triggers
- It may be difficult to talk about the experience of abuse, especially repeated circumstances, to friends or family
- Commonalities about the cycle of abuse can be identified through different stories and experiences
- Abusers would try to make things better and would make promises to conceal red flags
- Wanting to save the relationship will make you ignore or minimize the red flags
- Recognizing the stages of abuse can help you end the cycle and lead you to the path of healing
Words of Healing:
- “...Life goes on and life doesn't just go on like mediocre, you thrive.” - Regina Marie
- It's a scary place to be when you love someone and you want to point out what you see with the fear – because there's fear involved – that you could, in essence, push that person away. - Regina Marie
- How did I move forward? How did I get to the place that I could thrive? My faith was always the firmest of anything. My faith in God grew. -Dr. Char Newbold
- Though stories are not identical, there are a lot of commonalities about the cycle of abuse. - Dr. Char Newbold
Resources Mentioned:
- The Church's Response to Domestic Violence
- I’m Not That Woman Anymore: A Journey to Healing from Abuse, Leader Guide
Follow Regina Marie:
- YouTube
We are the ones responsible for defining who looks back at us in the mirror every single day.
- Regina Marie
Behind a smiling woman is a painful past full of trauma, abuse, domestic violence, and injustice.
This is probably one of the most heartbreaking truths you’ll ever have to swallow. No matter how much we wave the magic wand, we can never erase the nightmarish experience of a trauma survivor. A wife that is yet to survive or is still currently trapped in an abusive marriage has the unfortunate tragedy of discovering there is no Disney-like ending to her story. In fact, every day is full of despair.
But for those who have had the strength and courage to step out of the darkness and decided to walk into their own light - this podcast is for you. It is my lifelong goal to use this platform and my voice to amplify the plight of so many women and men who have been pained and wronged by a narcissistic, abusive partner.
I hope that you will find not only solace but actual, practical solutions by listening to this podcast. Each week, you’ll be hearing from different people who are willing to selflessly share their own experiences and expertise to bring light to the issue of emotional and domestic abuse. You will also hear from me as I retell my own personal battles, such as what I have done in this maiden episode.
Just like it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to help you heal from abuse. Whether you find healing and music, poetry, motivational speeches, inspiring quotes in art, physical fitness, and cooking - you name it - it does take the village. But it starts with you showing up for yourself. And listening to this podcast is one way you're doing that.
Be proud of yourself for this very action of self-love that you're giving to yourself right now. And feel free to share it with others who need the support and encouragement.
Healing Points of This Episode:
- Recognize and exploit abusers' red flags
- Divorce is a loss that needs grieving
- Sharing experiences - no matter how dark and painful - starts the healing
- Self-awareness and willingness to accept and understand are key
- Different venues and opportunities to heal are available
- Survival techniques are nurtured as we grow older
- Knowing how we deserve to be treated paves our path to recovery
Words of Healing:
- Not everyone will understand nor be on the same path as you or agree with your decision to change who you are because who you were is all they've ever known. That wasn't really you though. Those were your triggers and co-dependencies. - Regina Marie
- Be okay with being alone for a short time. This is the moment for you to get to know who you are again. To become your own best friend again. - Regina Marie
- People see things in you before you even see them in yourself. And they'll want to take them, silence them, or shame you for them. Or possibly all three! - Regina Marie
- I am refusing to reject myself for anyone else ever again. And I encourage you to do the same. - Regina Marie
Resources Mentioned:
- A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose
- Edge of a Cliff by Regina Marie
Follow Regina Marie:
- YouTube
Hi! I'm Regina Marie. I’m a domestic violence survivor and local advocate here in the St. Louis area.
I am currently one internship away from becoming a licensed trauma-focused therapist specializing in helping survivors of domestic violence, as well as military and first responders, heal from their traumatic experiences.
This podcast, My Healing Village, is a safe space to empower survivors of domestic abuse to find their path to healing.
Follow Regina Marie:
- YouTube