The Ten-Things Podcast: Recent Episodes
David Higginbotham & Anna Collier
Each Podcast Season we select a topic and break it down into ten episodes. These episodes cover various aspects of the topic we find most interesting and/or helpful. Anna and David share their points of view in a conversational style that seeks to inform and entertain. We hope that each Season will present you with Ten things to consider about the topic we select.
CONTACT DAVID FOR QUESTION AND COMMENTS-
davidhiggtx@gmail.com
You Are God's Gift To Me/Us
- We are responsible for being the best parents we can be
- Will you pray for us that we will become the best parents we can be?
- I want to be the best Dad/Mom I can be…
Contact David for any Questions or Comments
davidhiggtx@gmail.com
I don't have a plan for your life, but I want to help you
discover your dream for your life.
- I'm more concerned about the kind of person you become than the job/career you choose.
- It’s your life…it’s your choice!
- You don’t have to decide right now…dream a little.
- Dream WITH your child…Let them discover their dream not some version of yours.
- It's important for a parent to not shoot down something their child says as they are processing ideas about the future (Professional Skateboarder, Nurse, Teacher).
- Parents have to let go of the dreams they have for their children to let the child discover the possibilities that could become their future.
Contact David for Questions and Comments
davidhiggtx@gmail.com
If you're ever worried, concerned, or scared, you can always talk about it with me.
- It’s important to communicate this to children before they are worried, concerned, or scared, as well as when they have these feelings.
- Dads must work to NOT be in “fix-it mode” when listening to a child’s concern or problem.
- Making sure that you resolve conflicts between yourself and your child is essential for deeper levels of communication.
- Look for opportunities that allow your child to open up about things that may be bothering them. (Neighbors being evicted)
- Helping your child resolve a problem, find a solution, or figure out what to do, is more important and, life-impacting, than giving them the answer or resolving it yourself.
Contact David for Comments and Questions-
davidhiggtx@gmail.com
When I'm not with you, I still think about you.
- I always carry your picture with me when I go away.
- I have your picture on the wallpaper on my phone.
- Call home-"I was thinking about you today and was reminded of ____________ and how proud I am of you.”
- “I was thinking about you this morning and praying for you about…”
- When out of town make it a priority to talk to them every day.
- Even when we are apart, our family is still connected.
- Even when in town, surprise your child with an unexpected phone call and chat with them for a few minutes.
Contact David for any comments and questions:
davidhiggtx@gmail.com
When I make mistakes I will always apologize and
try to make things right with you.
- I am going to make mistakes and so are you. It’s part of being human.
- We have to learn to forgive one another for our mistakes and make things right with one another.
- It takes practice...and humility.
- When you admit you are wrong and apologize, you teach your child to do that with others.
- "I was wrong to do/say/act the way I did. I'm sorry, and hope you can forgive me."
- Don't pressure the child to say they forgive you. It might take some time. They will usually be glad to forgive, but not necessarily always.
Contact David for Comments and Questions-
davidhiggtx@gmail.com
I’m Proud of You Because You Are Mine And I Get To Be Your Parent!
- There is a difference between being proud of what your child accomplishes and being proud of them for who they are. Both are good but need to be communicated differently.
- It is important to tell them how proud you are of them when they do the right thing. This reinforces their actions with your approval. However, if they only hear that you are proud of them when they accomplish something, it sends the wrong message.
- They also need to hear you are proud of them when they don’t accomplish anything.
- When a child hears, “I’m proud of you because you are mine and I get to be your Dad/Mom!” it has a profound impact on their sense of relational security and helps to increase the Safe Space they feel with you.
Contact David For Questions and/or Comments
davidhiggtx@gmail.com
. Spending Time With You Is One Of My Favorite Things To Do-
- Going to Mcdonald's for ice cream and play area with you.
- Going to the park to play with you.
- Sitting and reading a book with you.
- Watching a Lassie movie with you…
- Doing things special to your child, not you, are essential activities.
- Going to Sonic and taking drives during high school…
- Birthday breakfasts
- You will have to carve out special time to spend with your child
Contact David for any questions and/or comments-
davidhiggtx@gmail.com
I don’t expect you to be perfect, you are going to make mistakes, and that’s ok.
- I’m not perfect & no one else is either-
- I do expect you to try your best all of the time.
- I do expect you to find a good attitude when you have a bad attitude.
- When I am correcting your behavior, it is because I love you and want what is best for your life.
- Your being happy right now is not my biggest concern. You growing up to be the right kind of person is.
- “You can feel any way that you feel...but you can't act any way you want to act” - I feel like I heard this a lot (Anna :) Helping a child come to understand that there is a difference between how they feel, and how they are allowed to act, is critically important for their emotional and social development.
- Managing the tension between how you want a child to act and how they act requires patience, consistency, and being in it for the long haul.
Contact David for comments and/or questions:
davidhiggtx@gmail.com
There is a special place in my heart that is only for you, and no one can take your place!
- Do you have a special place for Tato (my brother) too?
- And for Mommy? For Grandma?
- God has a special place in His heart for you too.
- Knowing that they have a special place in their parent(s) heart(s) allows a child to feel secure and cared for at a deep level.
- This security gives a child a sense of belonging and that there is a safe place for them within their family.
Contact David with Questions & Comments: davidhiggtx@gmail.com
10 Things Every Child Needs To Hear From Their Parents
No kid has perfect parents, and no parent has perfect kids
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I love you all of the time
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Even when you act in ways that I don’t want you to.
- I don’t love you more when you obey or less when you disobey.
- I love you when I feel good and when I feel ill.
- I love you even when I’m disciplining you.
- I love you when you’re sleeping.
- I love you when you’re awake.
- I love you when you’re playing.
- Can you think of anytime when I don’t love you?
- I love you right now (when you are grumpy or acting out)
Feel free to contact Anna at anna.collier16@gmail.com
Bonus Episode Notes: Dealing with an abusive relationship.
- This is not an “I’m just not happy in my marriage” situation.
- Our working definitions of abuse:Verbal abuse: Harsh and insulting language directed at a personEmotional abuse: Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. Physical abuse is self-explanatory
- If there has been physical violence once, you need to expect it will happen again.
- If there is no active violence going on we are not telling you that you need to leave, we are encouraging you to seek out help. If there is active violence going on, then you need to immediately leave and stay somewhere else. - This goes for physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. All of it. Typically, when the word abuse is used our first thought goes to physical abuse. That is not always the case.- The only thing you need to focus on is getting yourself safe. Especially if there are children involved in the relationship…it’s not about you anymore. - You don’t deserve that. You need to do whatever you can to get out of that relationship. You are not stuck, he is not your only option, you can have a better life than what you are living right now. Some women think they are stuck because he “handles the money”. There are resources out there that help women who are in those situations.
- The “well he is always sorry” scenario.
- This can’t be resolved on your own – it will take the help and assistance of others to help you through it.
- Please don’t think that you have to live like this. This is not your only option.
- This can relate to men as well. They can also be the ones being abused.
- If you are going to do research, please make sure to clear your search history on your computer or phone. A controlling partner could be looking into that.
Check out these resources:
This interactive map will help you find advocates for domestic violence, shelters, and even legal assistance options for your specific state. https://www.womenslaw.org/find-help?reset-state=1
National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233
Contact David For Comments or Questions: davidhiggtx@gmail.com
Don't Expect Him to Relate to You Like Your Best Girlfriends
- Your friendship with your man can, and should, grow and mature to a place of deep love and companionship.
- However, it will not be like your friendships with your girlfriends. It will be different in virtually every way.
- Remember that we have talked in several episodes about the fundamental difference between men and women. Friendships are another area where men and women differ.
- Generally speaking, men develop friendships through shared activity. They relate to one another and get to know one another by doing things together.
- Women, generally speaking, get to know one another by sharing their feelings and thoughts.
- Men share activities initially to develop relationships and may share words later on.
- Women share their words to develop relationships from the start.
- Can men and women become Best Friends? Not without a great deal of give & take on both parts.
- What are women looking for in a Best Friend?
- What are men looking for in a Best Friend?
- I don’t think of my wife as my Best Friend. Our relationship is much, much more than a Best Friend.
- My Best Friends, over the years, have changed from season to season. My wife has not.
- It takes significantly longer to develop intimacy with a spouse than with a friend because the nature of the intimacy you are creating is very different. Also, the challenges the relationship faces are significantly different.
CONTACT DAVID FOR COMMENTS & QUESTIONS: davidhiggtx@gmail.com
Don't Expect Him to Relate to You Like Your Best Girlfriends
- Your friendship with your man can, and should, grow and mature to a place of deep love and companionship.
- However, it will not be like your friendships with your girlfriends. It will be different in virtually every way.
- Remember that we have talked in several episodes about the fundamental difference between men and women. Friendships are another area where men and women differ.
- Generally speaking, men develop friendships through shared activity. They relate to and get to know one another by doing things together.
- Women, generally speaking, get to know one another by sharing their feelings and thoughts.
- Men share activities to develop relationships initially and may share words later on.
- Women share their words to develop relationships from the start.
- Can men and women become Best Friends? Not without a great deal of give & take on both parts.
- What are women looking for in a Best Friend?
- What are men looking for in a Best Friend?
- I don’t think of my wife as my Best Friend. Our relationship is much, much more than a Best Friend.
- My Best Friends, over the years, have changed from season to season. My wife has not.
- It takes significantly longer to develop intimacy with a spouse than with a friend because the nature of the intimacy you are developing is very different. Also, the challenges the relationship faces are significantly different.
Contact David For Comments & Questions davidhiggtx@gmail.com
He's Probably More Insecure Than He Appears-
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- He has been trained since childhood through social/cultural and perhaps family conditioning to act in a particular way. That “way” may not be authentic to who he organically is.
- He is the collection of personality/temperament, biological factors, family history, and tendencies.
- Posturing, or putting forth an expression that presents him as “a guy who has his stuff together” is a requirement, at several levels, for survival in his world.
- This is an illusion, of course, but he is highly motivated to maintain that illusion and will tend to resist anything that threatens it.
- Losing that illusion or discovering cracks in his exterior façade can be extremely threatening or devastating and undermine his sense of well-being within the world around him.
- Weakness or incompetency in any form must be avoided at all costs, especially in the eyes of the woman he loves.
- This also goes back to his core desire for Respect and the fear of losing what level of Respect he believes he has.
- All of this can be like juggling razor blades while walking a tightrope.
- For a man who is not emotionally mature and healthy, maintaining his façade is Job 1. It’s the most important task on his list.
- The more he matures and discovers emotional/spiritual health, the smaller this challenge will become.
- Maintaining one’s balance in a Dog-Eat-Dog world is a challenging task in the best of circumstances.
Contact David for comments & questions: davidhiggtx@gmail.com
He’s probably going to view the world very differently than you do-
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- Men and women generally view and interpret the world around us differently.
- This might translate into differences in your approach to many aspects of life- politics, parenting, finances, education, family traditions, etc.
- Remember: neither of you is the standard that defines balance.
- Learning to be ok with the fact that the other person sees things differently and disagrees with you can be a challenge but is necessary for long-term harmony and growth in your relationship.
- Giving one another space to disagree without conflict is a sign of maturity
- Creating a Safe Space in your relationship is an act of Love and will generally produce the fruit that Love brings
- What does a Safe Space look like? It’s a place where differences can exist without the pressure to conform or change. Acceptance of the other person and a heart attitude of peace toward them characterize it.
- A Safe Space can only be established by letting go of the need/drive to be right.
- Everything is NOT a moral issue.
Contact David for questions or comments- davidhiggtx@gmail.com
He is not a stereotype-
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- We all fall into some general categories, and tendencies, but we are all individuals. None of us can be fully defined by a stereotype.
- Look for the positive qualities and characteristics that make him unique. (Talents, abilities, priorities, character, etc.)
- DO NOT COMPARE HIM TO OTHER MEN. "Why can't you be like..."
- You wouldn't like being compared to other women, would you?
- Men will tend to respond better to positive feedback than negative. Isn't this also true about women?
- The more you hold onto and/or bring up his shortcomings and failures, the more conflict you will see in your relationship.
- The more valued he feels at home, the more he will be motivated to succeed there!
- What are some of the strengths in him that you find attractive?
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- What are some of the weaknesses you are challenged by?
- All men are a combination of strengths and weaknesses.
- If you can’t accept the combination you see in a man you are dating, you might need to reconsider the relationship
- Don’t buy into the illusion that you will be able to change him into the man you want him to be!
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- (We’re not talking about men who are abusive, controlling, and destructive in their responses to their families)
Contact David for Questions and Comments: davidhiggtx@gmail.com
He needs a safe place where he knows he is accepted and protected and that place is you.
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- In the same way that you need to feel like opening up with him is a safe place, he needs to feel like opening up with you is a safe place too.
- A Safe Place is a place where you feel accepted, protected
- Forgiveness is a learned skill and at the core of acceptance
- He will often feel like he has to perform for acceptance in his job and the culture surrounding him.
- If he feels like coming home to you is a continuation of the competition/performance demand, he feels "out there" he will not look forward to coming home.
- Focus more on lifting him up not just telling him what he’s doing wrong all the time. Your words have the power to build him up and make him want to be the man that you believe he is, or pull him down and make him feel like he can never measure up (Prov 18:21 Life & Death are in the power of the tongue).
- Encouragement and praise will provide fuel to his internal engine more than anything else you can imagine.
- ONE FINAL THING: Learning to accept & protect one another is essential for developing a long-term successful relationship. If I'm always trying to change my partner...it will kill the heart of the relationship and the love and acceptance, we all long for.
- We’re not talking about a situation where abusive and damaging actions are the order of the day.
Contact David for Questions or Comments: davidhiggtx@gmail.com
He's probably a fixer-
- Women need to understand that this is not a bad thing. This is how he wired.
- He is going to want to fix your problems because he cares about you. He is not saying “you need to be fixed”
- It will help him learn how to respond if you can help him know when you are "just venting" about a situation, rather than asking him for his help to fix a problem. "I don’t need you to fix anything here, I just need you to listen and let me vent for a bit."
- Remember, Most of the time a guy needs a clue when it comes to things involving emotions.
- (David story)This has been one of the big conflict starters in my marriage. I was always so quick to start giving advice to Brenda when she just wanted to share her frustration about a situation with me. I thought she would like my help and world-renowned expertise to solve this problem she had. After all, I had the answer! Wrong!
- If we resolve a problem for our woman, we have accomplished something, and it makes us feel good about ourselves. It’s a guy thing.
Contact David for questions or comments at: davidhiggtx@gmail.com
He expresses & deals with emotions differently than you
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- This is true with the vast majority of men.
- He probably is not in tune with his emotions like you are. You've had a lot more practice!
- Most expressions of emotion he is familiar with involve a ball of sorts or some other form of competition.
- He probably has bought into the myth that a Real Man keeps his emotions locked up inside and only takes them out on rare occasions.
- He will probably not feel comfortable or really know how to tell you how he feels about you and your relationship. He will need practice and some help along the way.
- When he takes his emotions out for a spin, he might very well need training wheels to keep from crashing. ;>)
- If he feels like there is a probability of failure when expressing his feelings/emotions...he will avoid it at all costs.
- Women often don’t know how vital they are to their men because they may not know how to express it.
- HOWEVER, Men can learn to be more expressive and will find great joy and fulfillment in doing so. Particularly if he gets encouragement along the way from you when he tries.
- It would help if you rewarded the attempt...not the accomplishment.
Contact David for questions or comments at: davidhiggtx@gmail.com
He expresses & deals with emotions differently than you
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- This is true with the vast majority of men.
- He probably is not in tune with his emotions like you are. You've had a lot more practice!
- Most expressions of emotion he is familiar with involve a ball of sorts or some other form of competition.
- He probably has bought into the myth that a Real Man keeps his emotions locked up inside and only takes them out on rare occasions.
- He will probably not feel comfortable or really know how to tell you how he feels about you and your relationship. He will need practice and some help along the way.
- When he takes his emotions out for a spin, he might very well need training wheels to keep from crashing. ;>)
- If he feels like there is a probability of failure when expressing his feelings/emotions...he will avoid it at all costs.
- Women often don’t know how vital they are to their men because they may not know how to express it.
- HOWEVER, Men can learn to be more expressive and will find great joy and fulfillment in doing so. Particularly if he gets encouragement along the way from you when he tries.
- It would help if you rewarded the attempt...not the accomplishment.
Contact David at: davidhiggtx@gmail.com
He Is Not A Mind Reader...He's Going To Need Some Help!
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- Many women think that telling him what they want will take away from the romance but that’s not true.
- Where does that idea come from? ROM COM, Hollywood
- We want you to show us love and we just expect you know how!
- He will typically take his cues from you about what it takes to win with you because he needs to learn how to win with you. (Brenda & jewelry)
- He isn't typically going to know a lot about women. He knows other women but hasn't been paying attention to the details.
- BESIDES- You don't want him treating you like some other woman! You want him to treat you in a special way that is unique to you!
- When you show appreciation for his attempts to win with you, he will keep trying and even try harder.
- The thing he desires most from you is respect -
- Respect is the fuel that drives his engine. He wants to be respected by his peers and people in general, but respect from you is most important.
- A man desires respect the same way women desire love
- This is so vitally important to men because this is how God created men!
- This is why men are so often driven to succeed. (Money, success in business, knowledge/education, sports, winning at video games) All of these are a means to gain respect.
- He will gravitate toward the things that he believes give him the best chance of gaining more respect.
- (This is why so many young men gravitate toward participating in gangs. They see it as the best way to gain respect. )
- He will tend to believe that winning is the best way to gain respect. If he feels that he is winning with you, he will gravitate toward you and try to win more.
- If he feels like he isn't winning with you and comes to believe that he can't win with you, he will turn his attention toward something else...and perhaps, toward someone else.
- ONE FINAL THING: It's important for a woman to know that she is not the deciding factor in his happiness! Every man is accountable before God for his own attitudes, motives & actions. If he says, "Look what you made me do!" he is running from that accountability and not owning his own stuff.
- We will be sharing a Bonus Episode after Episode 10 that deals with what to do when things go wrong- How to deal with an angry/abusive relationship! You don't want to miss that Bonus Episode.
Contact David with your questions and/or comments
davidhiggtx@gmail.com
She wants to be your partner in life
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- Women want to be involved in the details of your life.
- They want to be participants in leading your family and not just window dressing or a functionary.
- Partnership implies joint leadership, ownership, and responsibility
- Partners make decisions together regarding holidays, finances, parenting, family involvement, Etc.
- She’s not your maid, cook, or children’s nanny.
- You both live there…you both need to take responsibility for taking care of it.
- Split duties are fine, but shared work responsibility is necessary.
- You have to find a way for very different people to share the same space and navigate the relational fallout that can occur.
- Finding a way to work together, so that a partnership can develop, is critical for developing a long-term successful relationship!
- A partnership is two different people pulling together to make things work.
- Having emotional feelings of “Love” for the other person is not enough, it takes working together in a partnership for longterm success in your relationship.
Contact David with Questions & Comments at: davidhiggtx@gmail.com
The little things go a long way- Developing an attitude of Servanthood
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- Purposefully embracing the role of a servant toward her needs to be a regular attitude.
- Expressions of thoughtfulness (little unexpected gifts)
- The unexpected gift, text, letter, email, or other communication makes her feel special.
- The unexpected acts of service- helping with housework, taking kids for the afternoon, ETC.
- The unexpected says you were thinking about her and took time to do something special.
- Don’t look for a parade because you pitch in and help her…that should be your normal activity.
For any questions or comments contact David at:
davidhiggtx@gmail.com
Women are going to think your most important qualities
are your heart and character.
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- There are some men a woman may be willing to date, but not willing to marry.
- When looking for a long-term relationship most women are looking for a “good man”, not a “perfect man.”
- How you treat other people matters!
- How you treat & interact with her family & your family matters.
- How you treat and interact with her friends and your friends matters.
- The direction you are headed in life matters.
- How you think about and talk about your future matters.
- How do you react when things don’t go your way?
- How do you react in public when things go wrong?
- She will be asking, “Is this the kind of person I can build a life with?”
- She is looking to see if she can trust you.
- She wants to know how compatible the two of you are.
- The most important issue is who you are in your core being
Have Questions? Contact David at davidhiggtx@gmail.com
She needs to regularly hear that you love her
and are there for her!
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- Don’t think that she knows she is loved because you’ve told her in the past.
- She longs to be cherished & valued!
- Knowing and hearing that she is loved and cherished feeds her soul.
- Men need to be supportive, despite any inconveniences to me.
- Men, communicating your love and appreciation for your woman is investing in her emotional well-being and your relationship.
- It is easy, after a while, to take each other for granted. Purpose to not do that!
- You must pay attention to your relationship: giving it time, energy, and focus.
- Be that guy that she wants to brag to her friends about!
Send questions or comments to davidhiggtx@gmail.com
- Sometimes she needs to vent and is not looking for you to fix things
- Venting can be a means of releasing emotion and/or frustration.
- Sometimes she might need to "get it out" and be heard, “I just want you to listen, not do anything.” (This can be so hard for a man to do because men are often hardwired to fix things)
- Sometimes it is about her own feelings and other times it might be about her friend’s situation or her feelings about someone else’s life. ( See episode 4)
- Often times men get that “deer-in-the-headlights” look and simply do not know how to respond to the venting of emotion.
- Men can also automatically take her venting personally; “What did I do?”
- When she is venting, she is not looking for a solution to a problem. The solution search will come later.
Contact David at davidhiggtx@gmail.com
- Women tend to be more in tune with their emotions than men…and that’s not bad.
- Women tend to think with their emotions and men tend to think with their logic.
- When she is acting in an emotional way, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or even her world. She may just be emoting about something entirely apart from her relationship with you. Or…it might be about you. :>)
- (Difference between feelings and emotions) during our discussion, we think feelings and emotions are like 2 sides of the same coin: like heads & tails. Feelings are internal and emotions are how we express our feelings.
- A man needs to be aware of the changing nature of his woman’s emotions and not take every expression as a reflection on him.
Contact David at davidhiggtx@gmail.com
- Her being nurturing is not a bad thing (caring for those she loves)
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- She is not saying you are weak when she is nurturing toward you. She is simply acting out of the overflow of her heart. It is innately within her to nurture and care for the ones she loves.
- When she expresses concern for you, she is showing her love & care for you, not being critical.
- Mom vs Dad approach to parenting. (Nurture differently)
- She probably has a deeper well for nurturing than you do.
- It’s important for her to have “Girl Time” with friends. She needs the environment of friends for her emotional well-being.
- She will express her nurturing actions in different ways to different people.
Contact David with your comments and questions at:
davidhiggtx@gmail.com
Women tend to have different strengths than men…and that can be
complimentary or cause conflict.
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- Have babies- more to it than giving birth
- Women tend to focus more on the family and home than men do and that is a good thing. Support and encourage that.
- She may handle money and/or money management better than you. This is a great asset and is not a threat, but a compliment.
- “What can I do today that will help you out?”
- Both partners need to have the attitude that our individual strengths are here to support one another.
- If both partners feel encouraged, supported, and accepted, then the relationship has a better opportunity to flourish and provide a healthy environment for the family.
- These different strengths are intended to complement one another in marriage, not create conflict.
REACH DAVID AT: davidhiggtx@gmail.com
- You will tend to communicate completely differently-
- Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus (check out this book. It will give you some fascinating insight into the general differences that exist in the way men and women communicate)
- Enjoy the ride vs landing the plane (different communication styles)
- Invest the time to learn how to communicate with your partner and learn how to honor them in that.
- It’s important to NOT see your partner’s communication style as wrong and yours as right.
- Remember: You are NOT the standard that determines balance!
Reach us at davidhiggtx@gmail.com
10 Things Every Man Needs to Know About Women
- She Is Completely Different Than You! - (spaghetti brain-vs-waffle brain, YouTube video Mark Gungor on YouTube- A Tale of Two Brains)
- For her, everything is connected- issues in the present and experiences from the past can also affect how she views the issues in the present. (Job, finances, family, etc.)
- Expectations create their own issue- how we expect the other to respond is generally based on how we would react. We only see things from our perspective and develop expectations from our spaghetti or waffle brains.
- Talk about expectations- Lights left on, etc., picking up after yourself, she is not your maid or your mother!
We are happy to introduce The Ten-Things Podcast! Each season we will take 1 topic and break it down into 10 segments that David & Anna, a father & daughter podcast team, discuss. You will find this podcast informative and, perhaps, thought-provoking. Come along for the ride. It will be fun!