A Thousand Tiny Steps: Recent Episodes
Barb Higgins
This podcast is for people who want to experience personal growth. Finding joy in tragic moments is a difficult task, but by listening to the stories of an ordinary woman who goes through extraordinary experiences, you can learn how to get through anything.
Hear stories from Barb Higgins, the woman who had a baby at 57, lost her daughter to a brain tumor, dealt with addiction, and so much more.
Inside each episode, Barb shares a story from her life and how she got through each tough experience. From lessons learned to how she took her self-care to another level, Barb pulls you into her world of inspiring circumstances and leaves you wondering, how does she do it?
I’m having a not great week and it got me into the lies I constantly tell myself to feel better. The lies around grief, around my life changing, around my business working, around Kenny, and how I have a functioning life. In this episode, I also dive into the different types of grief and the lies that surround it.
Key Takeaways:
[1:45] I was always telling myself a story
[3:29] Going to self blame
[8:49] My relationship with Kenny
[12:42] I spend a lot of my life doing things I don’t want to do
[17:21] Making sure Jack’s life is not a carbon copy of Gracie or Molly’s
[18:53] Lies around grief
[21:59] My life has never been a normal, enjoyable family life
[25:25] The biggest lies I tell myself
[32:23] What am I doing with my life?
[34:07] Complex grief, delayed grief, exaggerated grief, and masked grief
[37:38] Self blame and self punishment
Resources:
- The Silence of Great Distance
- Fast Girl: A Life Spent Running From Madness
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
My dad died and it made me think about his life and actions. The lies that he was told as a man that he had to uphold in society and how that made him treat people. It makes me wonder if much has changed, but him being dead has also given me a sense of peace because of the abuse.
Key Takeaways:
[2:54] My dad looked like he had a normal childhood, but was neglected emotionally
[7:29] My dad thought he was unloveable and had to be better than my mom
[8:30] My dad had immense pressure to be a great athlete
[13:41] Has any of the stereotyping really changed?
[14:48] Girls play hard to get, you need to push, and real men don’t cry
[17:34] Dancing is gay, men only want sex, and girls can do anything boys can do
[19:50] Men in leadership and having a specific path laid out for you in life
[21:41] Men must be independent, wealthy, not express emotion, and be athletic
[25:32] Lying comes from a place of fear and wanting to fit in
[28:46] Life, death, and mortality
Resources:
- Article on things men are told
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Women are told so many lies around their bodies, sex, and social rules. From being told they’re unclean to being told that they can just turn their period off, sometimes men just really have no idea. In this episode, I dive into some of the wildest lies women are told versus what men hear and how that impacts their growth.
Key Takeaways:
[5:41] Growing up in the 60s and how I was treated differently as a girl
[13:25] My asthma and the sexist thing the doctor said to me
[16:49] Internally lying to myself about being disgusting
[17:53] The NCAA didn’t always give scholarships out to women
[19:44] Lies surrounding periods and being unclean
[25:55] Testosterone is also naturally in women
[27:02] Women’s health is complex with illness
[29:01] You can’t tell who’s a virgin or how drugs mix
[31:00] Menopause lowering your libido and you can’t get pregnant on your period
[32:56] You can’t hold your period in and you can’t turn off getting pregnant
[37:38] Hair, genetics, birthing positions, breasting feeding, and morning sickness
[41:18] Period syncing, heavy periods, and women being considered incomplete boys
[44:41] Men having orgasms, HPV, girls wanting to be skinnier, and the rules of sex
[50:18] Appearing stupid to get guys, if a boy bullies you he likes you, and being a lady
[51:57] BMI is fake, being called bossy, and being described as demure in athletics
[55:29] Spinsters and not wanting boyfriends to see them without makeup
[57:38] Revealing clothing means you wanted it and two wrongs don’t make a right
[01:01] Having honest conversations and lies to perpetuate a reality
[01:03] Being told to be quiet, speaking up, and having tough conversations
Resources:
- All In Her Head book
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
There are many lies we are told in school with the most major ones being that Native Americans broke bread with pilgrims, that the food pyramid was healthy, and that racism ceased to exist because slavery was abolished. In this episode, I dive into the lies I was told, how that shaped my worldview, and how I changed it.
Key Takeaways:
[2:17] You’ll need algebra in real life they say
[3:36] Public education is supposed to level the playing field
[5:36] The hidden curriculum
[11:53] Implicit bias
[13:22] The lies about the Native Americans and Christopher Colombus
[19:04] Not being on time or getting a degree makes you a bad employee
[21:09] Teaching evolution vs Adam and Eve
[24:36] Perspectives and how much textbook companies control information
[27:11] Christopher Colombus, Native Americans, and racism
[33:57] The tea behind the Boston Tea Party
[35:18] The Food Pyramid poisoned people
[37:50] Learning styles are fake
[39:56] DARE program and alcohol culture
[41:02] STDs, abstinence education and AIDS
[43:57] The Civil War being about states rights or slavery
[47:29] Boarding schools for Native Americans
[49:22] Seeing history from others perspectives and how questions are perceived
Resources:
- Hidden Figures
- Lessons in Chemistry
- The Biggest Lies
- Lies My Teacher Told Me
- Dances of Wolves
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Is it true or is it just your perspective? People are told lives throughout their childhood and often go on to tell the same lies to their children. It’s a vicious cycle, but everyone sees truth in a different manner based on their life experiences.
Key Takeaways:
[3:34] Summary of the 12 steps
[8:19] What are the lies you told your kids or other people?
[18:11] I was a secret keeper as a child
[24:24] Why people lie
[29:59] How people see things differently
[33:42] Everyone has their own truth
[35:06] Living in the world of white men
[38:08] What’s the next for the podcast
Resources:
- Whose Story Is This?
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
This is a new season all about lies: lies we were told, lies we tell, the morality of it all, and how perception can make a large difference between a lie and the truth. In this episode, I dive into the often silly lies that people were told as children like Santa Claus or that they’re pet “went to a farm” and how that impacts others.
Key Takeaways:
[0:46] Why I’m done with last season
[9:42] What lying and the truth by definition are
[12:31] Reasons why people lie
[24:27] The funny lies that people were told as children
[43:34] Share the lies you were told as children
Resources:
- Life Shifts
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
In the additional step of 13 in AA it talks about if God exists, why do bad things still happen and how he has suffered as much as us. I also see how through my suffering I was able to find great support with my angel moms, even though others have condemned me.
Key Takeaways:
[2:04] Step thirteen of AA
[3:32] If God exists then why do bad things happen?
[5:00] God suffered just like the people around them
[6:41] God doesn’t just fix everything
[12:16] Why doesn’t God sustain what was created?
[14:10] Finding connection amongst people
[18:33] I don’t think Molly needed to die for me to learn to love
[19:57] Suffering is apart of life, but you can’t let it consume you
[23:51] Passing over: getting through life's crap
[27:52] Losing my child united me with so many others
[28:25] I hate getting advice from people who haven’t lost a child
[29:46] Times I have struggled, but found my north star
[30:29] Times I felt judged and condemned
[31:57] We have to look at our suffering and see it in a healthier way
Resources:
- Breathing Underwater
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
In step twelve, it’s time to pass on my teachings to others to help them in recovery. It is about living AA as a lifestyle, going through the steps again and again, while sharing wisdom and expecting nothing in return. In this episode, I dive into where addiction can stem from and contemplate taking the path that I fear in life.
Key Takeaways:
[2:26] Step twelve of AA
[6:10] Kenny, household chores, and childcare frustrate me
[12:03] You do the 12 steps several times, it’s a way of life
[14:23] You need to share the information you learned from AA and live it
[21:16] You don’t promote AA, it’s anonymous
[24:48] If all you do is inhale and not exhale, you’re not helping others
[28:00] Lecturing, demanding, and promoting don’t work in AA
[31:54] Being free from religious indoctrination
[34:05] Alcoholism and drug abuse isn’t a morale failure
[35:44] I’ve given up on love, I have all that I need now
[38:09] Addiction stems from a lack of love and intimacy
[42:02] We all worship false gods
[43:15] Taking the path that you feel is scary
[45:21] Sharing wisdom with no expectation of another person’s change
[46:35] My experience is not about telling other people what to do
[48:55] I appreciate the good experiences, so I can manage the bad
[50:15] I have pulled back from people since Molly’s death
[53:05] You can now officially breathe and getting back to AA meetings
[55:14] Tradition twelve
Resources:
- Breathing Underwater
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Step eleven of AA is not about praying for anything to be fixed, it’s about praying for self knowledge and the qualities we need to execute that knowledge. It’s about perhaps changing the way we pray, how we view God’s will, and just taking the time to contemplate your life even if you don’t believe in God.
Key Takeaways:
[3:52] Step eleven of AA
[7:56] A calculating mind vs a contemplative mind
[9:04] The five big human issues
[11:46] Going to church as a child and Western bias
[15:24] Praying not for an internal desire, but as an order from religion
[18:53] Letting go of what I think is right and what I think I need to do
[19:48] Who is doing the praying? How are you praying?
[21:17] I have to stop being an ‘all or nothing’ thinker
[22:44] Prayer requires you to see your inner self and stop battling it so much
[27:31] There’s no preaching that every person needs AA
[30:46] Finding something bigger than yourself and contemplating
[34:35] Why I changed the way I pray
[36:36] Praying didn’t get me what I want
[38:32] My favorite Baha'i prayer
[42:33] My understanding of God has changed
[44:06] You can’t say what God’s will is
[47:24] Traditions nine, ten, and eleven
Resources:
- Breathing Underwater
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
In step ten of AA it’s all about taking a personal inventory and admitting when you’re wrong about things. It is about being aware of your choices, analyzing them, and trying to reconnect with yourself. In this episode, I explore the negative connotations I have with certain words and myself.
Key Takeaways:
[2:21] Step ten of AA
[4:26] An examination of consciousness and stepping back from myself
[12:03] Being aware and praying for detachment
[13:40] Instead of trying to save your soul, teach it to communicate
[15:00] Trusting your instinct and the Holy Spirit
[19:41] Needing to reconnect and being a child of God
[21:44] Making a personal inventory and analyzing emotions
[27:13] Consumerism is addiction
[28:25] I have negative feelings about the word obey
[29:57] Becoming devoted to the idea of life after death
[31:02] I have a negative connotation with myself for a lot of things
[32:43] I don’t see myself as a child of God most of the time
[33:39] I’m quick to admit I’m wrong, even if I’m not
[36:53] Trying to find a morning routine
Resources:
- Breathing Underwater
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Step nine is all about the act of making amends and a list to go alongside it. It’s made me consider what truth really means, how context plays a part, and how communication can be ruptured if not done correctly.
Key Takeaways:
[2:50] Step nine of AA
[5:37] Defining wisdom
[8:31] Making amends
[11:12] The different levels of truth, context, and meaning
[17:58] Sincere people can still make rash judgements
[19:12] COVID disrupted proper communication
[22:14] Having my apology rejected, waiting for the right time
[25:49] The mentors I’ve had in life
[29:51] Gossiping and saturated social media
[33:31] Respecting people's privacy while still telling my truth
[36:56] Making my amends list
Resources:
- Breathing Underwater
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Step eight of AA is all about making a list of people I’ve hurt and finding ways to make amends with them. The difficulty is that making amends with people looks different for every person I hurt. This is a process that can take months or years and may not give you the results you want, but it’s part of the process.
Key Takeaways:
[2:31] Step eight of AA
[4:46] Making amends with people is different than just apologizing
[7:06] Some of the people I’ve made amends to
[8:10] You can’t skip over the basics when you’re doing something complex
[10:57] What if a bond is unrepairable or an amend impossible to make?
[13:01] AA works because people show up years and years after becoming sober
[15:13] I think Kenny is too forgiving
[16:13] What non violent communication is all about
[19:55] The addict has to work on themselves
[22:13] Liberal vs conservative thinking, horizontal and vertical thinking
[25:52] You can’t just make an apology to make yourself feel better
[30:07] How I make amends
[32:22] I’ve been hurt and people haven’t apologized
[33:24] Listening to both sides of peoples experiences
[34:26] I’m great at self blame
[35:50] I hold onto anger from being lied to
[36:28] It’s not easier for me to forgive anybody
[37:27] This step can take months to do
[39:37] Traditions seven and eight
Resources:
- Breathing Underwater
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
Step seven has taught me a lot about putting my ego aside, living in gratitude, and focusing on the good in life instead of all the bad. It has shown me that even if you don’t drink alcohol anymore, you still have to change your mindset, otherwise have you truly changed?
Key Takeaways:
[1:56] Why I’ve been frustrated
[3:16] Step seven of AA
[7:21] Are we supposed to talk God into things?
[10:05] The death of a relationship and entitlement
[13:36] Putting your ego aside and being open
[17:34] Being admonished for praying for certain things
[20:10] You give up alcohol, but don’t change your mindset
[24:30] Life is a gift and living every day in gratitude
[26:54] The answers are right in front of you, but you often don’t see it
[30:06] I consider prayer as a conversation with God
[31:32] My entitlement from not feeling recognized
[33:55] My prayers haven’t been answered
[35:36] I’m constantly changing my schedule to accommodate others
[39:21] I’ve been angry for years and not following through
[40:58] I have been finding more gratitude in my life
[42:41] What I desire in life
[43:47] Focus on what’s going right, not wrong
[46:14] I’m trying to build structure for myself
[47:26] Sign up for my newsletter which connects to the podcast
Resources:
- Breathing Underwater
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
As I take a breather in between steps I realize that I don’t have to worry so much when things don’t go to plan. That I can view my life in gratitude and not an obligation that drags me down. In this episode, I go through everything I’ve learned through the steps.
Key Takeaways:
[1:10] The one lesson I’ve learned
[1:48] I can’t control everything and having gratitude
[5:24] Going through the steps
[8:29] I’ve reconnected with music and I’m trying with scripture
[12:56] Trying to fix things stems from an abusive background
[16:28] I had to rearrange my entire day, but I’m not worrying about it
[19:40] Service in gratitude, not obligation
Resources:
- Breathing Underwater
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
In this week's episode, I take a dive into step six: acknowledgement, taking responsibility, surrendering, and letting go of your ego. It made me think of my flaws, how I over apologize, and how I need to let my flaws flow through me.
Key Takeaways:
[3:53] Step six of AA
[8:19] I always want to try to fix things
[10:45] Grace or responsibility: which comes first?
[14:27] Every day is a new day to rise and self punishment
[16:35] Accountability and giving it over to god
[21:41] All or nothing thinking
[23:43] Step six is about acknowledgement
[25:36] Having panic about not fixing things
[30:21] You need to put in work to transform as a person
[33:10] Letting go of your ego and deficits of character
[36:09] You have to both surrender and take responsibility
[39:27] I own my mistakes, but I lack self worth and have trouble giving over control
[42:19] I don’t wait I jump into things
[43:47] I’m trying to float in the beautiful stream that is my flaws
[45:32] Living in a spirit of gratitude and how I do prayers
Resources:
- Breathing Underwater
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
This week I face my past actions, the friends that have stood by me, and the differences in religion. I look at retributive vs restorative justice and which one can help people that are struggling, as well as how my religion doesn’t support confession.
Key Takeaways:
[1:10] Step five feels like confession
[5:11] Retributive vs restorative justice
[13:26] Trying to change yourself to heal yourself doesn’t work well
[18:13] Peer accountability and personal responsibility
[21:27] Forgiving myself and others
[24:03] The personal failure that I find hard to acknowledge
[26:38] The people that love me in spite of my actions
[30:54] My religion doesn’t support confession
[33:23] I had a skewed perspective on forgiveness and acceptance
[34:50] The people I talk to my issues in life to
Resources:
- Breathing Underwater
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
This episode caused me to look at my moral inventory, what I carry with me, and what I’m learning to let go. It’s made me question my childhood and how that impacts my life today as well as using failure in my life as an excuse not to move forward with things.
Key Takeaways:
[4:02] Nothing annoys me more than people believing lies about me
[6:54] Step four of AA
[12:14] Life begins with transgression
[17:20] Acknowledging that you’ve made mistakes in life
[22:51] Shadow boxing: fighting an invisible opponent and living in denial
[32:15] This is what step four is all about
[33:30] Praying for patience again and again
[36:49] My fear of being honest with myself
[38:36] Using weakness and failure in my life as an excuse not to move forward
[40:36] Focusing less on sin and more on wisdom of the struggle
[42:32] I get defensive when I feel I’ve been wronged
[44:17] Not being able to admit my inner failure at first
[46:27] Always looking for an escape in my life
[49:14] I blame my lack of success on Kenny
[50:12] How my childhood impacts how I treat people
[53:54] Making myself less afraid of admitting weakness
Resources:
- Breathing Underwater
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Step three of AA had me delving into my need for control, resisting change, codependency, and trying to find gratitude when I find that difficult. In this episode, I dive into the third step and what renouncing yourself, giving yourself over to god, and love can do in your life.
Key Takeaways:
[5:06] Step three of AA
[10:21] Accepting all your losses, resisting change, and trying to stay in control
[18:35] Renouncing myself for attention and validation
[22:10] The things people seek love for
[24:32] Being codependent
[27:49] Doing good deeds because you want to
[30:04] False sacrifice and holding onto control
[35:04] Trying to find gratitude and religion being based on following rules
[38:48] Being radically accepted for nothing
[41:10] Surrendering is a negative concept to me
[42:32] Accepting our past and our mistakes
[46:59] Renouncing yourself and giving yourself to god
[50:47] Working on self forgiveness
[51:33] True and unconditional love
Resources:
- Breathing Underwater
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
In step two of AA it’s all about opening my heart, mind, and body. It’s a tough journey to accomplish though and it makes me look at points in my life where I made choices I didn’t feel great about, but also choices to forgive others. In this episode, I look how the mind, body, and heart are connected.
Key Takeaways:
[2:07] Step two of AA
[5:00] Opening our hearts, minds, and bodies
[8:47] Opening of the mind
[12:56] Opening of the heart
[21:47] Opening of the body
[32:19] Spirituality and connecting with a higher power
[34:03] Points in my life where I asked for help
[35:47] I feel like my decisions are wrong
[36:51] Keeping space in my heart open, forgiving my father
[38:23] The people that helped me in tough times
Resources:
- Breathing Underwater
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
To kick off the theme of season 9, I’m talking about Alcoholics Anonymous and my struggle with addiction. I discuss what AA is like, what I learned, how I feel powerless, and how I’m trying to improve my life.
Key Takeaways:
[4:56] Still struggling to get where I want to go
[7:52] My time in AA and the most significant thing I learned
[11:36] My moment of feeling powerless
[12:23] Step one of AA
[13:52] The poem that spoke to me about powerlessness
[17:35] Having to be honest in AA
[20:26] The ego is selfish, but is it sin?
[29:41] I’ve felt powerless through my abuse and being a woman
[38:00] I’ve never felt like God was absent in my life
[44:07] I’m doing things, but I need to get more comfortable asking for help
[47:04] I try to control things in my life which can cause trouble
[51:55] I don’t like change, trying to change my life and struggling
[55:34] If people have community around them, they’re less likely to be addicted
[59:01] What I’m doing to improve my life
Resources:
- Breathing Underwater
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Rewatching The Notebook brought back so many connections to my own life. It made me think about losing Molly, the mistakes I’ve made, how it’s different raising Jack, the choices I’m making for him, and really just being at a turning point in my life deciding what to do next.
Key Takeaways:
[6:39] What the movie The Notebook is about
[11:20] The end of a friendship and connections to Molly
[14:38] More of the plot
[16:48] Being reminded of all my mistakes and second guessing myself
[20:08] The end of the movie, losing a child, and letting go
[23:29] Being at a turning point in my life
Resources:
- The Notebook
- The Teenage Liberation Handbook
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Menopause is seen differently in America versus other cultures. Society here sees it in a negative light, but there is so much more to the story. My own experience with taking estrogen has made my life better and I’ve noticed a huge difference.
Key Takeaways:
[1:02] Menopause is seen as a negative medicalized reality
[1:56] What menopause is and how society sees it
[8:12] In other cultures menopause is not seen as a negative
[15:11] Hormone imbalances and being premenopausal
[17:59] Intergenerational relationships are not as valued anymore
[20:46] I basically lost my period after Molly died
[23:16] Taking estrogen helped me feel better
[28:27] What estrogen decline does
[32:51] How estrogen helped me
[37:59] How estrogen affects the body physically
[39:55] The changes I’ve noticed from estrogen
[42:54] I would love to hear from other menopausal women
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
After a post was made for pride month, I had a reaction - and I ended up deleting my comments. It was a learning experience that taught me patience and where to best put my words. In this episode, I dive into the meaning words have especially in the age of social media.
Key Takeaways:
[3:00] The post surrounding pride month that bothered me
[9:14] Commenting on the posts and then deleting them
[13:36] Changing the words in a spiritual song and people getting angry
[15:58] I have the right to be affected, but not post about it
[21:38] The time period I refrained from gossiping
[25:33] My communication style and not being able to take words back
[30:07] May was a hard month for me and I’ve struggled with anger
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
As I had the most frustrating weeks I’ve had in a while, it made me think about my anger. My coping mechanisms, good and bad, as well as the repressed anger and how I’m learning to do better. For both myself and to teach Jack better coping skills.
Key Takeaways:
[1:23] I pray a lot about my anger
[2:27] My life is in upheaval and feeling like everything is a mess
[4:39] I was taught to be quiet as a child especially during my abuse
[14:40] Self anger in my adult life, feeling judged, and how I coped
[15:54] Jack asks me if I’m angry, I’m trying to teach him better coping skills
[21:56] What I’m learning about anger and not repressing it
[23:51] My self harming behaviors and unresolved anger
[25:59] The differences in men and women when it comes to anger
[30:30] How I deal with my anger positively and negatively
[32:52] CrossFit honoring the military
[37:39] Me being angry doesn’t do anyone good
[40:48] If you need to be angry, be angry
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
As I’ve had a frustrating day, this reel on six techniques to combat the freeze response were just what I needed. It has motivated me and made me think about what my ikigai is most of all. In this episode, I explore the different times of my life and my ikigai then.
Key Takeaways:
[2:34] Six Japanese techniques to combat laziness or freeze response
[4:23] Ikigai or your reason for living is the first technique
[22:28] Kaizen or the theory that you can change for the better
[24:52] The pomodoro technique for time management
[28:15] Hara Hachi Bu, eating until your 80% full
[31:32] Shoshin is being curious about mundane tasks
[35:42] Wabi Sabi is the philosophy that the most beautiful art has flaws
[39:38] This is what I needed today, finding my ikigai
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
There is a lack of third spaces or places to spend time with one another that don’t cost money and cultivate social connection these days. It’s changed so much from when I was young and has impacted my social relationships. In this episode, I explore how I don’t spend enough time cultivating third space activities for myself.
Key Takeaways:
[2:58] Third spaces are diminishing for Americans
[4:28] Times have changed since when I was younger
[6:48] Third spaces helped me through my abuse
[9:53] People are much more focused on their career these days
[12:26] Gen Z cares more about what people think
[13:15] I struggled to find my third space after college
[18:53] Being unhealthy by diving head first into relationships
[20:49] My free time has been spent coaching or helping others
[22:52] Working remotely took away my friends social interaction
[25:48] How my families third space activities have changed
[27:43] I don’t spend enough time cultivating third space activities
Resources:
- Article on third spaces
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
Today, I’m taken back to a memory of my childhood and how I can’t undo the terrible things that have happened in my life. Accepting my brokenness as a part of my reality is what's needed to find the wholeness from me. In this episode, I contemplate what I first needed to break like my kitchen and my yard in order to fix them.
Key Takeaways:
[0:48] I raised my siblings and it was a chaotic time
[5:14] I felt like everything was out of control and the self blame
[6:33] Fighting with Gracie and Kenny
[9:42] Dealing with death week, Mothers Day, and the gala
[11:49] Kintsugi theory, ripping up the old to see the new with my kitchen and yard
[14:33] I can’t undo the bad things that have happened to me
[16:37] Digging up shit, invisible scars, and what it says about our society
[20:36] Why does my life never change?
[23:36] I wasn’t chosen to have these terrible things happen to me
[25:44] Accepting my brokenness and the wholeness that can come from it
[28:21] We’re all doing the best we can
[30:09] What do you need to break in order to fix?
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
Austin sold her home and decided to travel the world with her husband and young kids. It has been a journey full of judgment, but also many life changing moments. In this episode, she describes her life on the road, how she keeps sane, and what her kids think of it.
Key Takeaways:
[1:48] How Austin became an au pair, sold her house and traveled the world
[7:19] What Boundless Life is all about
[9:48] Having time with kids and minimalism
[12:51] Not really knowing where we’re going next on the road
[14:31] Getting judgment from back home and kids development
[19:42] How Austin’s life compares to the one she had in America
[21:21] Schooling in other countries
[26:11] Getting judged from family and friends who don’t understand
[33:51] Creating community while living abroad
[37:28] Traveling with kids so young and if they enjoy it
[40:43] Explaining the differences in cultures to children
[45:02] How Austin keeps her marriage solid while traveling
[51:05] Advice Austin has for people wanting to get into this
Resources:
- Aupair website
- Boundless Life
- Austin’s Instagram
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
As I look back on my childhood, I’m reminded of how my neighborhood has changed and the people around me are dying. I also am deeply thinking about the season of Molly, the choices I’ve made, and how I can honor her.
Key Takeaways:
[0:58] April is a significant month to me
[4:00] Missing the last week of Molly’s life
[5:24] The good side of missing it
[8:33] Dealing with narcissistic tendencies
[13:13] My two childhood friends and the memories
[18:08] My neighborhood has changed
[18:48] The Bye Bye Birdie production
[19:54] The season of Molly, death week, and events
[24:25] Finishing the quarterfinals in CrossFit
[24:49] Seeing my old BU teammates
Resources:
- Last Day
- Power book
- Motherland book
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
As Easter is passing it brings back all the memories of Molly. I sat down to watch some movies which just had me in tears and made me think back on all the choices I’ve made in my own life. I really recommend you watch them and see how you relate to them.
Key Takeaways:
[3:37] A movie about a boy with an abusive childhood and a dying dad
[7:26] What inspires me about the movie and forgiving myself
[9:32] My memories of Molly on Easter
[11:30] A movie about a mother who died and cleaning out her home
[15:24] I helped keep our family together after Molly died
[16:04] I regret missing Gracie’s birthday and the impact
[18:59] People don’t understand the memories are all we have
[20:41] The book Ordinary People and the impact it had on me
[22:02] The impact 700 Sunday’s had on me
[23:04] What’s the next for the Molly B Foundation
Resources:
- I Can Only Imagine
- Mercy Me
- The Noel Diary
- The Ordinary People
- 700 Sundays
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
Jane and Skylar come on this week to talk about their journeys with epilepsy. From being discriminated at work to trying to find supportive relationships it’s been a rollercoaster for them both. In this episode, we go on their journeys of being diagnosed, how that impacts their lives, and what they want people to know.
Key Takeaways:
[1:38] How Jane found out she had epilepsy, getting diagnosed, and type of seizures
[6:58] Skylar’s first seizure and her type of epilepsy
[11:34] Skylar’s seizure the night of prom and before graduation
[14:45] Being discriminated at work and not believed
[17:00] Wanting to feel like a normal adult who can have fun
[19:04] Trying medication that changed my mood drastically
[21:34] Skylar’s experience trying multiple medication cocktails
[27:30] Being bullied due to epilepsy
[29:12] Not being able to drive
[30:06] Having supportive families makes all the difference
[31:09] Having non supportive partners
[32:41] What we want people without epilepsy to know
Resources:
- Skylar’s podcast
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
As I look back on women’s history month I research how ads on women’s health are often banned, women in history going on strike, and how I think feminism is used incorrectly. In this episode, I dive deep into the meaning of feminism and how I think we need to stop comparing men and women.
Key Takeaways:
[2:17] The biggest mistake feminism has made
[5:42] Women in Iceland going on strike for 24 hours
[8:30] Women in education take the brunt of unappreciated work
[10:45] Meta bans ads for anything around women’s wellness
[17:15] It’s still a struggle to get insurance to cover birth control
[19:12] Getting a hysterectomy approved is an expensive nightmare
[22:47] Should women’s basketball teams make more than the men’s?
[26:34] Women in history that stand out to me
[30:15] It’s time to stop comparing men and women
Resources:
- Article on women in Iceland
- Article on banning ads
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
I had a UTI and I had no idea. It presented none of the usual symptoms that happen to younger people so when I went into the ER and found out I had one I was dumbfounded. This was a learning experience for me and I hope more older women can hear this and get the help they need as well.
Key Takeaways:
[1:11] I didn’t know I had a UTI, I had atypical symptoms at least to me
[7:21] Going to the hospital and finding out this is common in older women
[10:09] Being stressed out about medication and breastfeeding
[12:20] Research isn’t done enough for women in the medical field
[14:49] Symptoms in older women for UTIs and why it happens
[23:39] Incontinence is another big cause of UTIs
[26:54] The problems that decreased estrogen cause
[30:05] I’ve learned a lot from this experience
[31:29] Ways you can support the MollyB Foundation
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
I binged watched Six Feet Under, a show based on a real life family who owned a funeral home and how they went through grief. It was such a moving show that covered divorced, being gay, marriage, birth, and death that I felt a full spectrum of emotions. This comes at a time when I am creating some big events for the MollyB Foundation.
Key Takeaways:
[1:51] No one will ever miss Molly as much as I do
[3:22] Celebrating Molly’s 21st as a fundraiser and all the other Molly events coming up
[9:17] Six Feet Under is a show I avoided for a long time
[12:04] My friends around me are dying
[13:36] You really get to see the lives of all the children in the show
[19:55] The final episode blew me away
[23:18] All these people go through terrible life events and still move forward
[24:37] I’m trying to protect Gracie from my true feelings
[26:26] All the different ways that people deal with grief
[27:59] We’ve kept the house, we just want to honor Molly
Resources:
- Six Feet Under
- Mary Lou blog post
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
This episode is all about cherophobia and how whenever things start to feel good, I feel like I want to flee. It is about an aversion to joy often because of trauma and how when things start to go well, I often can bring stressful people into my life.
Key Takeaways:
[2:05] Cherophobia is a fear of joy and here are the causes of it
[4:20] I didn’t want to let my guard down because then bad things would happen
[5:50] I recreate my trauma again and again
[10:20] Not wanting to take risks in my life or be too happy
[13:12] As I reflect on my past, I still have a list of things that make me unhappy
[15:58] I’m running, but not getting anywhere
[17:22] My past relationships had so much stress in them
[21:41] I’m constantly having to keep moving and be vigilant
[23:37] Looking at the goals I have to work on and how to move forward
[26:38] I feel better, like I can channel my own inner power now
[29:00] Looking at treatments for cherophobia
Resources:
- The Body Keeps the Score
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
I recently discovered my old running logs and it was a treasure trove of information on how my life used to be between exercise, old boyfriends, and what my life was like before Molly died. So much of life has changed, and yet, it’s like nothing has changed at all. In this episode, I explore my journals and the power of music.
Key Takeaways:
[1:41] Having a deep attachment to things especially after Molly died
[2:42] Creating an actual bedroom for Jack
[4:30] Finding my running logs and it’s hard for me to write things down
[7:02] Tracking my running habits, periods of running, and no running at all
[13:18] Not running because of having kids and asthma
[15:55] I never seem to finish journals and it’s a pattern
[21:34] Using music for therapeutic purposes
[27:49] Signing up for tap class, stopping, and starting again with Jack
[31:01] So much of my life is no different than 40 years ago
[32:19] What my new year could look like
[35:27] What’s your favorite artist?
Resources:
- We Are The World
- Fast Car
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
In this episode, I explore how and why different religions fast and what it says about society. It was fascinating to learn and all of the religions hold common themes. I also debate if fasting is healthy or not. It leaves me with one question: what does fasting mean to you?
Key Takeaways:
[0:57] Fasting as a Baha'i
[3:37] Jewish people fast for purification
[5:13] In Buddhism people fast for spiritual clarification
[5:48] Christians practice lent giving up food, an item, or a behavior
[7:54] Hindus mainly fast during festivals
[9:26] Mormons fast once a month
[10:57] Muslims fast for a month to teach self control and empathy
[11:51] Baha'i fasts last almost a month as a way to teach discipline
[12:09] Balancing the morality of fasting
[14:41] Pagan’s don’t fast voluntarily, but due to weather conditions
[16:38] I would get my runners to give up one thing for the season
[19:11] Is fasting healthy? The emotional attachments we have to food
[24:43] I’m most likely not going to fast this year because I’m nursing
[27:15] What does fasting mean to you?
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
My morning routine will never be full of meditation and yoga. Instead it is currently filled with decluttering my household one bin at a time. This is in an effort to be more of a minimalist and carefully consider why I own the things I do. In this episode, I explore the grief attached to certain items and how I’m working on it.
Key Takeaways:
[0:50] My morning routine does not consist of meditation
[5:06] Watching a documentary on the minimalist lifestyle
[6:39] Struggling to get rid of physical items on my grief journey
[10:57] Getting things professionally organized and making progress
[14:42] I’m taking things one bin of stuff at a time
[20:55] The environmental impact of owning so many things
[23:09] Getting rid of one’s things to live out of a suitcase
[24:46] The 30 day challenge in a new light
[26:53] Not being able to let go of items and hoarding
Resources:
- Me+ App
- The Minimalist: Less is Now
- Concord Thrift Shop
- The 30 day challenge
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
I listened to the story of Debbie, a woman who was sexually abused in childhood and I truly resonate with. From the way we were both told to be quiet about our abuse, our journeys of healing, and our coping mechanisms. In this episode, I look at common things things that go through the minds of children who suffer from sexual abuse.
Key Takeaways:
[3:19] Debbie works with a non-profit to help people that are sexually abused
[4:47] Debbie’s story of being sexually abused by her stepfather
[7:14] Debbie’s journey with therapy and processing emotions
[9:04] The similarities between Debbie and I’s story
[15:21] Everyone told me to be quiet about the abuse and he never got punished
[18:59] I wondered how I could change my behavior so I wouldn’t be abused
[20:47] How did Debbie’s mom not know it was happening?
[22:32] Sexual abuse seems high in athletics
[24:04] My coping mechanisms have followed me in adulthood
[26:00] My healing journey with abuse is not linear
[27:03] January has not gone well
[28:51] Asking for help as people who have suffered from abuse
Resources:
- Family Secrets podcast
- The Joyful Heart episode
- Joyful Heart Foundation
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
Rosie came on with her partner Lauren to tell her story of getting POTS after having COVID and how it’s affecting her life now. She’s currently in the process of trying to get a service dog which will hopefully help give her more independence. In this episode, we chat about what it’s like to have your partner be your caregiver and rethinking your life plans.
Key Takeaways:
[2:35] Getting COVID and then a high heart rate
[8:30] Getting diagnosed with POTS early, but having to leave rugby
[10:26] Realizing that this was going to be a life altering condition
[13:05] How POTS effects Rosie in her everyday life
[17:31] There’s no official treatment for POTS
[21:32] How life has changed and not being able to drink alcohol
[25:32] Why Rosie wants a service dog
[29:49] Applying to get a service dog, getting rejected, and finally being accepted
[35:43] Rosie’s fundraising efforts and how you can help
[38:46] Her family struggled to understand her illness, but are supportive
[42:08] Living with POTS has been compared to heart failure
[43:49] Learning how to ask for help
[45:01] Where you can donate money and learn more about POTS
[45:51] POTS is an invisible illness, but it’s valid
[46:31] Growing up much quicker because of chronic illness
Resources:
- Rosie’s campaign page
- Rosie’s facebook
- ECAD
- Info about POTS
- Info on COVID and POTS
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
When I talk to my friends about aging we’re all in this spot where we feel somewhat unfulfilled by life, like somethings missing. It makes me wonder what’s wrong and where in my life I need to improve. In this episode, I look at where I am in Erickson’s stages of development and how I don’t always fit into my age group because I’m an older mom.
Key Takeaways:
[1:59] I’ve lost my social life
[3:56] Being an older mom is isolating
[6:06] This phenomenon of being like we’re lost in older age
[10:55] Eric Erickson’s stages of development and where I’m at
[14:38] Stagnation in this period of life
[17:09] Just having my family and not many relationships outside of that
[19:08] Can I make my life count?
[21:55] Taking care of my family and aging parents
[23:01] I’m wondering if CrossFit coaching fits into my life right now
[25:00] Feeling powerless and unappreciated in school board
[26:14] I’m working on my strength and nutrition
[28:12] Working on my social relationships
Resources:
- Crossfit Lady podcast episode
- More Milk Please podcast episode
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
As January ends, I realize I need to reevaluate when I make goals and what a routine looks like for me. I also take time off coaching, slow down, and try to enjoy the moment which is difficult for me. But through it all I am working on creating the life I want.
Key Takeaways:
[1:17] New Year’s goals don’t work for me and letting go of 75 Hard
[4:15] Taking time off from coaching
[5:58] Why slowing down is hard for me
[7:53] Kenny and I’s different views on alcohol consumption
[14:03] Jack truly notices my emotions
[15:31] You can’t expedite growth and struggling with staying in the moment
[18:18] I’ve been slowly cutting things out that aren’t helpful
[19:19] Finding peace in just being alive
[23:20] Making my stop list bigger than my to do list
[25:41] Getting better at stillness and creating a routine that works
[31:03] I always have something to be angry at
[32:26] Creating the lifestyle I want
Resources:
- Crossfit Lady podcast episode
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
Thrifting clothes is such an important way to be both sustainable and give back to the community. I talked to students and teachers at my local high school to discuss their on site thrift shop, the change it’s making in their community, and the conversations around social impact it brings about.
Key Takeaways:
[1:29] Concord’s sustainable thrift shop and how it came to be
[8:16] Using thrifted fabric to sew plus sized clothes
[12:20] How the concept of sustainability has changed
[14:04] Running a thrift shop gives kids life skills
[18:21] Behind the scenes of running the shop
[21:35] The most donated items and gaining more financial support
[26:39] Students get clothing for their parents and siblings as well
[27:17] How to donate new items and what’s most needed
[31:43] How the kids are going to use these life skills
[33:43] The ultimate dream of the thrift store
[35:58] Please donate if you can
Resources:
- The MollyB Foundation
- The CrossFit Lady podcast
- CHS Thrift Shop
- You can contact CHS by email: jspeidel@sau8.org
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
I feel a lot of anger in my life and I’m diving deep to see what I’m holding on to. Along the way I discover my healing crisis and how anger fits into the 5 stages of grief. In this episode, I’ll find strategies to deal with my anger and what I need to focus on in the new year.
Key Takeaways:
[1:58] Starting the new year angry
[5:00] Chronic anger is more resentment
[6:32] Why I’m angry at home
[9:38] Being iced out of the school board
[15:35] Asserting aggression to avoid helpless feelings
[20:39] Strategies to deal with anger and how I’m doing it
[24:22] What anger am I holding on to and what triggers me?
[29:27] I feel like I constantly have to defend myself
[30:31] Having a healing crisis
[35:21] Realizing the 75 Hard is not what I want to be doing
[37:32] Here’s my summary on anger
Resources:
- My book Motherland
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
As we do the kitchen renovation, we’ve found layers upon layers of wallpaper and flooring. This is much like the multitude of layers of my person. I keep saying I’m going to change things and instead I rush around. So now I’m finding new ways to cope and be a better parent for Jack and Gracie.
Key Takeaways:
[1:00] The walls of my house hold stories
[2:28] The layers of flooring throughout the years
[5:51] I make these goals and I don’t follow through year after year
[8:41] Water damage in the floor
[11:38] I have to stop rushing around 24/7 and be present
[13:32] Doing 75 Hard again
[15:28] Thinking about taking time off
[17:00] Struggling emotionally with recording Motherland
[19:29] My house is in chaos
[22:19] We don’t have a social circle and motherless daughters
[25:01] Feeling like a distant mother
[28:51] I got journals for both Gracie and I
[34:05] The song that makes me cry, but brings Jack joy
[36:21] The afterword of my book
Resources:
- My book Motherland
- Voice Over Vermont
- Motherless Daughters
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
While doing our home renovation we discovered a whole treasure trove of things in the walls. One of those things was a book on humane education by an amazing woman, Irene Hart who changed the history of education for New Hampshire and helped to advance women's rights.
Key Takeaways:
[1:02] I’m still making edits to my book
[5:14] The things in the walls of out house and the amazing Irene Hart
[10:16] The book on humane education for being kind to animals
[17:16] What incredible stuff I’ve done this year
[18:36] What humanity is about
[19:59] My New Year’s resolutions for the year
[22:35] The language we use to describe other people
[24:19] This book reminds me of Molly
[24:48] My past New Year’s experiences
[26:22] How Molly’s kindness and sense of justice helped others
[31:31] What I need to work on in my life
Resources:
- My book Motherland
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
I recently watched a documentary on living to 100 and what special things people did in certain communities to allow them to live that long. Some of it was not surprising and other parts were. There was so much information that I took from this documentary and I made a plan to make improvements to my own life.
Key Takeaways:
[1:46] The premise of the documentary
[4:31] Looking at four things: movement, outlook, connection, and eating
[10:03] The power 9: nine things that go into living to 100
[17:18] How Okinawa is such a healthy society
[20:20] Sardina, a little island in Italy that keeps moving
[22:27] The high stress levels in American society
[25:39] Ikaria, Greece and their resilient community
[30:40] The blue zones in America
[34:55] Costa Rica’s sense of purpose
[36:47] Singapore’s subsidized food and housing
[41:57] Trying to create blue zones in America
[43:58] What I’m doing in my life to incorporate healthy habits
[49:40] Taking care of the body, mind, and spirit
Resources:
- Living to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zone
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
The holidays are upon us again and as always it’s a rollercoaster. The MollyB basket went differently this year than it had previously and that was an adjustment for us all. On top of that, I’ve had to navigate how to spend Christmas with Jack growing older.
Key Takeaways:
[1:16] Losing your child is different than losing someone older
[6:42] Molly loved the holidays when they danced in the holiday show
[9:12] The person that won the MollyB basket
[20:05] The chapter of Motherland about Gracie
[34:31] Past Christmases and how we are going to spend this one
[37:08] What’s coming up in my life
Resources:
- My book Motherland
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
My business coach introduced me to double binds and it makes so much sense. I’ve created them, but a lot of other people in my life have too and it has wreaked havoc. I can now look back on past relationships and why it wasn't working. In this episode, I explore the psychological aspects and my own experience.
Key Takeaways:
[0:42] What a double bind is, the one I created, and some examples
[9:49] The two families that created a double bind for me in childhood over religion
[16:22] The psychology behind it and children not understanding
[19:54] Having internal double binds with relationships
[22:25] Examples of double binds in media
[25:25] Double binds in politics
[27:52] My Christmas with Roy and how he created a double bind
[34:06] The double bind with Roy after Molly died
[38:12] Different examples of double binds in movies and life
[43:12] Not having romantic relationships and my current family dynamic
[45:34] We all have a chance to leave a double bind
[47:26] How I’m feeling about the holiday season
Resources:
- Gaslight
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
Leda Peterson is a wonderful CrossFit athlete helping women over 50 get into CrossFit. She knew she had to change her life and get in shape, but she was nervous about starting CrossFit at an older age. In this episode, we discuss how she overcame that and her experience growing up as an immigrant with a single mom.
Key Takeaways:
[1:56] Leda’s immigrant experience from El Salvador
[4:51] Moving across the country and changing her health
[8:01] Leda finding a CrossFit gym and wondering if she could at 43 years old
[10:51] Why she does CrossFit and her first workout experience
[13:16] How setting goals helped Leda achieve her dreams
[18:26] CrossFit is not just about the workout, it’s about the community
[22:45] Leda’s experience being a coach helping older women
[25:28] Leda’s story of being held at knifepoint
[29:46] The trauma that gets passed down from generations
Resources:
- Leda’s podcast
- Leda’s Instagram
- The Body Keeps the Score
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
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The Molly B Foundation
I’m tired of people telling women to be quiet. In today’s age, so many minority groups pit themselves against another minority group and I sometimes don’t understand whose benefit that is. This is part of why I wrote Motherland. I was tired of being told to silence myself.
Key Takeaways:
[1:22] My interview on running with Brooke
[2:14] Why people run in correlation with mental health
[5:33] The pressure on female athletes during Title IX
[11:25] Minority groups pitting themselves against one another
[14:15] How conservatives and liberals fight
[19:44] Reading Chapter 27 of Motherland: In Real Life
[34:19] Stop telling women to stop talking
[37:10] What’s next for the podcast
Resources:
- Buy Motherland here
- Brooke’s podcast
- Silence of Great Distance book
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
In the 70s when my best friend died, I didn’t know because it wasn’t talked about. This had a lifelong impact on me full of grief and reflection. This is why when Molly died I decided to let all her friends know what was happening and allow anyone who wanted to come and visit. Being open about the process was a way to heal a wound of the past.
Key Takeaways:
[1:55] My childhood best friend died and I didn’t know
[4:23] Walking to the funeral but not being allowed to go to the cemetery
[7:10] Reading the chapter of my book about Moira
[14:18] Seeing her gravestone for the first time decades later
[16:48] Death is still seen as taboo
[18:23] Finding out Moira died from the newspaper
[20:01] Being public versus private about your grief
[23:02] I hope my book resonates with a lot of people
Resources:
- Buy Motherland here
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
It seems like everyone around me is dying as I grow older. It’s a lot to process and has led me on a journey of looking into the 5 stages of grief and finding a 6th stage too. I think about the stage that I’m in versus others around me and how that affects our interactions with one another.
Key Takeaways:
[1:21] My friend Rusty died from cancer and his wife died too
[3:15] Knowing someone’s going to die versus it being unexpected
[4:51] All these people in my life are passing away
[5:57] Eric Erickson’s stages of development
[14:37] The stage that I’m in now
[17:40] The final stages
[21:38] People’s responses to my book
[25:14] The 6th stage of grief and what’s wrong with the 5 stages
[31:26] Processing the messy middle
[34:29] Renovating Mr. Luti’s house
[39:55] I’m processing a lot of emotion right now
Resources:
- Buy Motherland here
- Finding Meaning book
- On Death and Dying book
- More Milk Please podcast
- CrossFit Lady podcast
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
The kitchen updates continue to terrify and excite me as I remember all the times that we spent as a family in the kitchen where Molly sat. I also had my book launch and so many people I wasn’t expecting came out to support me.
Key Takeaways:
[1:16] Updating the kitchen and letting go
[5:43] New landscaping changes
[7:14] Landscaping coaches house too
[8:03] My memories in the kitchen with the girls
[14:10] 85 people showed up to my book launch!
[18:13] I had amazing conversations about the book
[20:30] I’m exhausted as the seasons change
[21:34] The kitchen poem
Resources:
- Buy Motherland here
- Pearl Bailey kitchen poem
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
I’ve been thinking lately about the people I surround myself with, what that means, and the wonderful support I receive. It’s interesting to look back and see the toxic people I spent time with and how much my life has changed since then.
Key Takeaways:
[1:36] Susan is someone who brings me so much joy
[4:13] Roberta learns so much about me through my podcast
[7:04] Deb has been my friend since middle school
[10:20] The most important people I’ve been friends with since childhood
[11:28] The importance of who I’m surrounding myself with
[17:01] Am I facilitating healthy friendships?
[18:09] What I’m up to
Resources:
- Buy Motherland here
- Karen Kenney
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
We recently had to chop down a tree that has been on our property for years. It brings me great sorrow because change is difficult for me. I have so many memories of Gracie and Molly playing under the tree and now that it’s gone it’s like a piece of Molly is gone as well. But with these changes, I begin anew.
Key Takeaways:
[0:46] I didn’t like The Giving Tree when I read it
[1:37] How we bought the house we live in
[3:53] The early years of living in the house
[5:15] The tree starting to show signs of aging
[7:56] Remembering how the kids swung on the tree
[11:54] We took a lot from the tree, but didn’t take it for granted
[12:41] Rocky removed the tree and cried with me
[17:11] The tree was proof that Molly was here
[19:06] The book launch, kitchen remodeling, and dance
[21:01] When molly died, we didn’t have energy to tend to the yard
[22:59] You can feel the sadness amongst the joy
[23:55] My book signing and email newsletter
[25:46] The seasons of my podcast and a possible new book
Resources:
- Buy Motherland here + the book signing
- The Giving Tree
- Virginia and all her books
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Virginia uses societal issues and turns them into beautiful stories. For the past few years she has helped me write my own story, Motherland which you can pre-order online. We spent hundreds of hours exchanging voice messages and crafting the story of Molly.
Key Takeaways:
[0:46] Virginia helped me write my book, Motherland
[2:10] How Virginia got into writing books full time
[5:05] How Virginia comes up with stories
[8:49] How she got into the mindset of someone with child loss
[12:42] Talking about deciding to write the book
[18:28] Writing a biography vs writing a fictional story
[22:15] Barb’s story seemed too strange to be real
[26:15] Jack doesn’t replace Molly
[28:35] How Virginia told the story truthfully while cutting things from it
[32:50] What happens at a book signing
Resources:
- Buy Motherland here
- A Heart That Works
- Virginia and all her books
- Virginia’s Instagram
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
The phrase “everything happens for a reason” drives me crazy. I found a new friend, Caitlin to commiserate with over this topic. We did CrossFit together and had the most wonderful conversation surrounding the timeline of grieving and society's opinions on it.
Key Takeaways:
[0:35] The old Barb vs the new
[2:46] Does everything happen for a reason?
[6:56] Meeting Caitlin who lost her husband
[9:39] Society's idea of when you should move on
[13:42] My choices heavily influence my life as well it’s not just ‘fate’
[14:52] People try to be comforting, but they just make me angry
[16:01] What Caitlin and Dan did in their lives
[18:07] CrossFit changed my life and gave me a community
[20:01] Stillness can be safety in grief
[23:34] Still trying to live life in spite of death
[24:59] Your grief is okay and is not a burden
[26:48] I do believe I was meant to meet Caitlin
[29:22] The phrase feels judgemental even if people don’t mean it like that
[31:18] My new kitchen is coming along and my book is coming out!
Resources:
- My blog post about Caitlin
- Heart and the Bottle book
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
As I remember 9/11, I think about how a single decision can be life changing. I unexpectedly went down to Disney with my family. It made me think about the choices I make everyday and the choices that people made on 9/11.
Key Takeaways:
[2:13] 9/11 is easier than other holidays because Molly wasn’t born
[3:37] My 9/11 workout
[7:21] What I remember about 9/11
[10:15] Unexpectedly going to Disney and plans going down the drain
[13:00] The wonderful hotel we’re in
[16:10] The rides at Disney and what we’ve been doing
[19:46] The last minute decisions in my life
[21:21] Using opinions to vilify people
[25:17] On 9/11 we were unified
[27:08] Everyday is someone's trauma
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
The emotional bittersweetness of holding the physical copy of my book, Motherland in my hands is real. My friend Vinny who was a huge support to me during the time of losing Molly has died and he will never get to read the book. So I read the chapter from my book that has to do with Vinnie and I hope that it sits with you.
Key Takeaways:
[1:26] The physical copy of my book is intense
[2:54] Everytime I read the book, I’m right back in my memories
[3:52] Vinnie’s support group saved me
[5:49] Vinnie’s whole family going through tremendous loss
[9:18] Chapter 32 of my book, ‘My Perfect Island’
[19:37] Just let me cry as a person in grief
[20:47] The book details
[21:57] What are your thoughts on death?
Resources:
- Barbara Bush on her Child
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Seeing Bruce Springsteen in concert was life changing, but it has differed since I was in my early twenties. When I was at the concert all the memories of my life came rushing back and it’s crazy to think that I am in a very different stage of life than I used to be. In this episode, I contemplate how the arts make an impact on children.
Key Takeaways:
[2:38] I first saw Bruce when I was 21
[3:25] Going to a concert sober made me feel excluded
[6:52] Bruce still has so much energy and told such good stories
[9:16] When I first saw Bruce with Kenney, I had lost my baby
[11:13] Every one of Bruce’s songs tells a story
[15:05] Bruce ended up living this very normal life
[17:08] All the people at the concert were old
[18:59] Death within the band and how it’s changed over time
[21:09] Realizing we’re both in a different stage of life now
[22:12] After Molly died I was anxious to go to a concert
[23:28] Conversations with Molly give me chills leading up to her death
[25:13] I mourn for what ‘should’ have happened in my life
[26:31] Seeing the true impact of the arts on children in my life
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
August has always held significance to me as a time to return to school. As the seasons change though it makes me relive unpleasant memories and deal with the fact that I’m not teaching anymore. As I go through these times, I dive into Native American culture surrounding wellness during the season change.
Key Takeaways:
[1:11] The seasonal changes bring unpleasant memories
[2:40] Creating ways for a change to be positive
[4:25] Telling my mother I had been abused
[6:36] Getting into teaching and stability, but then losing my job
[9:45] What Molly loved about back to school
[11:47] Prioritizing the MollyB Foundation
[14:06] Redoing the kitchen brings me grief
[18:03] Native American culture and seasonal meanings
[20:42] Using change to heal through wellbriety
[29:20] Jack loves to watch dancers and connects with the music
[32:56] Gracie working to return to Disney and parenting styles
[34:44] I feel like I’m making progress and becoming focused
Resources:
- Designs By Taylor
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
As I took Gracie to another Disney audition and listened to her contemplate her goals, I began to contemplate my own. I don’t want to settle in my life and I’m trying to find ways to make the non-profit, my book, and my business work. In this episode, I dive into goal setting, not getting stuck in my ways, and the power of perseverance.
Key Takeaways:
[1:11] Gracie’s first audition with Disney and doing their college program
[3:51] Gracie’s next Disney audition was tough
[5:52] Being supportive of her and helping her realize her goals
[12:30] Complaining, not setting goals, and being stuck
[16:49] Breaking 5 minutes in the mile, but slipping back to party Barb
[18:13] Applying for my sabbatical because I wanted more from life
[21:48] I don’t want to settle or muddle through my life
[23:30] Learning to say no to things and making small changes
[24:34] Helping others make lifestyle changes
[27:29] Taking action instead of just thinking about it
[29:37] Learning to stick with things
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
I recently had a CrossFit competition and what really stuck out to me was the fact that everyone had completely different body types and yet, we were all competing. I feel like CrossFit is just such an accepting place. I have seen classes for kids and the elderly and it makes me thrilled that such diverse people get to experience this.
Key Takeaways:
[0:48] Body image for women in CrossFit
[4:26] CrossFit competition with people half my age
[6:29] How women’s bodies are “supposed” to look
[8:18] Being thankful for my body
[10:25] Gender norms of boys and girls
[15:28] Coaching an exercise class for kids and elderly people
[18:12] CrossFit is such an accepting place
[20:38] My kitchen is getting redone, but change is difficult
[24:08] What’s next for me
Resources:
- Designs By Taylor
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
I gave a speech for RB Productions 20th anniversary and it made me reflect on what the arts can do to transform children’s lives. It makes me think about how the arts have changed my life as well and the changes I’m making from writing a book to working on my non-profit.
Key Takeaways:
[1:33] Working on my nervous system
[3:59] What RB Productions did for Molly
[5:03] Auditioning for Mary Poppins and trying to survive
[10:49] The beginning of RB Productions
[13:14] My speech for RB Productions
[16:54] I want to expand access to the arts in my community
[18:33] All the emotional progress I’ve made over time
[20:58] How people saw Molly versus how she was
[23:05] Doing an interview for my book
[24:21] Getting a degree in arts integration education
[26:10] Supporting RB Productions
Resources:
- RB Productions
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
My guest, Jennifer Lanie is a Functional Diagnostic Nutrition Practitioner who helps people have better health through what they eat. By using lab tests that you can’t get at the doctor’s she helps you do a deep dive into your health which is inspired by her own lifelong chronic illnesses. Jennifer continually gets up again as she goes through divorce, career changes, illness, and financial ruin.
Key Takeaways:
[2:09] The start of Jenn’s chronic pain with endometriosis
[4:10] Changing paths because she had no energy
[6:53] Becoming a teacher, taking a pay cut, and working non-stop
[10:32] Getting diagnosed with lupus and medications didn’t help
[13:39] Going to a naturopath who changed her life
[14:37] Doctors managing symptoms, not the root cause
[16:21] Leaving her violent ex, but I ended up going back
[18:23] Finding CrossFit and becoming an instructor
[20:41] Her Ex-husband being very controlling
[22:57] Being constantly sick with lupus
[26:16] Ex-husband leaving and making a life for herself
[32:09] Moving to Florida, but ending with filing for bankruptcy
[35:20] Covid happening, moving, and getting lyme disease
[37:58] Having terrible symptoms and then finding functional nutrition
[40:51] Realizing how stress impacted Jenn over the years
[46:07] How these lab tests are more than what you'll get at the doctor’s
[51:42] How cortisol impacts your immune system
[53:21] Realizing I need more meditation and yoga
[55:59] Slowing down her life and finding self acceptance was difficult
[59:19] Finding what she was meant to do all along
[1:02] My health journey with Jenn and making life changes
[1:06] Emotional attachment to food
Resources:
- Work with Jennifer - The Get Better Girl
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
I went on a deep dive into how different religions view IVF. I discovered it’s not so much about the process, but the sanctity of family. It’s an interesting concept when thinking about my own faith and journey with IVF. I have had amazing support and been scorned by others for going through this process. Through it all, I have contemplated what being a mother is about.
Key Takeaways:
[0:54] How different religions view abortion
[4:03] Abortion goes against the sanctity of family
[6:34] Religion is vague about abortion
[7:28] What technology has changed about abortion
[9:40] My process with IVF and people’s opinions
[12:32] Jack was supposed to be in my life
[13:46] Incredibly supported and scorned
[16:29] Are children produced by IVF accepted in religion?
[20:15] Having amazing conversations with other women
[21:40] What the term mother means to me
[23:20] What my book is about
[24:43] I want Jack to have a lot of family
Resources:
- The Genius Experiment
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
I am going full force with the MollyB Foundation. I want to take it to a higher level and am brainstorming ways to do so. I will also be releasing my book soon which is about Molly. I’m interested to see the types of conversations it elicits and I’m grateful that I am able to continue to build a community of grievers.
Key Takeaways:
[2:06] Molly’s involvement with RB Productions
[5:04] Transitioning the MollyB Foundation to something bigger
[6:38] What being a 5OC3 means
[7:27] Making a more manageable schedule
[9:37] The people that helped write and edit my book
[10:59] I’m angry I never got to see Molly grow up
[13:07] What the book is about and the meaning it holds
[18:15] People respond to child loss in different ways
[19:48] I don’t have to agree with someone’s lifestyle to love them
[23:17] I love when people talk about Molly
[24:34] John, the filmmakers death
[26:46] I need ideas for the MollyB Foundation
[29:51] The next couple of episodes
Resources:
- RB Productions
- Get Better Girl
- Carolina
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Addiction is a cycle that has consumed my life at times. I am now in the process of realizing how many choices in my life it has impacted. It still feels like a slippery slope with drugs and alcohol, but I am finally realizing why I am making these choices and I am in the process of healing.
Key Takeaways:
[2:30] How drugs work in the body
[6:15] I loved alcohol because it took away my anxiety
[8:18] Thinking about getting back into the sober lifestyle
[9:34] Skylar’s beautiful post on addiction
[14:52] Stereotypes of drug addiction
[17:10] My use of cocaine
[19:10] Sexual abuse and alcohol as a quick comfort
[22:30] How addiction has impacted my life
[25:42] Getting off pills was one of the most difficult things
[28:13] Feeling like I’m on a slippery slope with alcohol
[29:00] Narcissistic people are constantly in my life
[31:13] I chose people that don’t really want my help
[34:00] Addiction is a cycle that’s hard to break
[35:31] I wouldn’t have started these relationships if I had known
[37:28] Where I’m going next
Resources:
- 75 Hard Challenge
- Get Better Girl
- Carolina
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
I am taking numerous foods out of my diet to figure out how my body works. As I do that, the month of June is taking on a new meaning for me: track camp and the MollyB Foundation. I am working hard to grow the foundation and for it to have a legacy long after I am gone.
Key Takeaways:
[3:15] Doing the 75 Hard Challenge
[5:38] Doing a plethora of tests to figure out how my body works
[9:42] How I’m doing with these health changes
[11:40] Being overwhelmed by my schedule
[13:44] MollyB scholarships and keeping her memory alive
[15:45] Track camp was difficult with parents yelling at me
[17:15] People saying terrible things online
[19:17] Where being self centered is leading our government
[21:23] The month of June’s meaning has changed for me
[23:26] Realizing I have a ton of narcissistic people in my family
[25:18] I want the MollyB Foundation to be a legacy
Resources:
- 75 Hard Challenge
- Get Better Girl
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
My first guest, Libby, came on to talk about her mental health, eating disorder, and being an athlete. Libby chats about the struggles of transitioning into college, recovering from her eating disorder, and learning to value her accomplishments.
Key Takeaways:
[1:39] Why Libby started her podcast
[5:15] Why I love podcasting
[5:57] Podcasting has helped her realize we all share similar struggles
[7:00] College was a tough transition
[7:59] Eating disorders being prevalent in women’s athletics
[9:13] The start of Libby’s eating disorder
[12:20] Partying and binge drinking
[14:03] Body standards in sports
[15:03] Why she got into track, quitting, and starting again
[19:22] Imposter syndrome and downplaying accomplishments
[24:36] Being taught not to talk about your success
[29:28] Looking back on old journal entries
[32:07] The education system changed because of COVID
[34:28] The workload in college was a tough adjustment
[39:44] Using a podcast to tell your story
[42:05] Finding gratitude in your day
[45:49] Post graduate frenzy and different paths to take
Resources:
- Ok Yup podcast
- Libby’s Instagram
- Libby’s website
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
On the 4th of July, I think about my memories with Molly and what kind of future I’ll help create for Jack. I have been doing deep work with my anger, self sabotage, and this idea that I need an escape plan. Putting all my eggs in one basket makes me nervous and makes me feel like I need a plan B. I am learning to navigate these emotions and attempt to pull my life together.
Key Takeaways:
[2:02] My feelings on the 4th of July have changed
[3:46] Reconciling with the good and bad in my life
[4:51] Being victim shamed
[6:11] My desire to keep things the same
[7:43] The MollyB Foundation becoming certified
[9:12] Helping kids pay for dance classes
[11:06] My go to emotion is anger
[13:09] Continually self sabotaging my own efforts
[16:21] The physical sensations of anxiety
[18:06] Constantly needing an escape plan
[25:13] If I self sabotage and it blows up, I can excuse my failures
[27:31] Getting off my phone and lying in silence
[28:31] The things that trigger me
[32:08] I’m having a turning point
[34:44] Learning to tell a good story
[35:58] I feel very judged in my hometown
[39:03] The 4th of July will be different for Jack
[42:05] Pulling my life together
Resources:
- Coaching with Carolina
- Content Compass
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
When I think of community I think of how it’s evolved over time and wanting to fit in. My religious, financial, sports community and more have all been redefined even in the past decade. These social issues make me ponder how to be the best mother I can for Jack while redefining what these issues mean to me.
Key Takeaways:
[3:03] How money played a role in my upbringing
[7:39] My family structure growing up
[10:39] Family, DNA, and how it defines us
[14:51] Defying the odds all my life
[19:11] Religion is very divisive right now
[22:25] Debating true feminism
[25:14] Sexism in medicine and Molly’s death
[27:37] Sexism in sports and Title 9
[37:13] Learning to listen and take a step back
[39:53] Gender and the LGBT movement
[41:31] Wanting to be the best mother I can be
[43:29] What’s next for the podcast
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Working at VLACS, an online middle and high school has been amazing. It has given me flexibility and I’ve been able to connect with students in a way I never could have in public school. But I am hopeful as I start my new journey launching a book and seeing where creating content around grief will take me.
Look at 95
Key Takeaways:
[1:30] Leaving my teaching job
[2:33] Finding what’s important in life
[4:35] Losing my teaching job in Concord was crushing
[7:02] Starting to teach at VLACS
[9:43] Being great at having strong relationships with students
[10:27] Getting behind on paperwork
[12:06] Not meeting anybody in person can be difficult
[13:39] Taking a break from VLACS
[15:15] VLACS was about creating relationships first
[18:30] They taught the difference between empathy and sympathy
[20:37] Working at VLACS again, but with younger students
[24:23] Leaving VLACS will allow me to grow in other areas
[25:41] Molly’s little white desk
[28:10] Where my career has taken me
[28:54] Rethinking the way I view teaching
[29:18] Thank you VLACS
Resources:
- VLACS
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
I started track camp a few decades ago and it’s still going strong. I get to show kids the joy of track and field while still having regular summer camp fun. Track camp has been such a pillar of our community and it now allows me to help grow the MollyB Foundation. Sign your kids up for track camp in the resources section.
Key Takeaways:
[1:49] The beginnings of track camp
[4:08] I wanted to get young kids interested in track
[5:52] What Barb’s track camp looks like
[8:47] 2011 and how track camp changed
[10:05] Gracie being a counselor
[11:13] Finding your passion in life
[13:13] Camp is the one piece of old Barb
[13:46] Camp supporting me through Molly’s death
[15:44] How camp is funded
[16:23] Offering two sessions of camp this year
[17:56] Creating a sense of community
[19:23] Track camp allows me to be in my element
Resources:
- Barb’s Track Camp
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
As I hit the 8 year mark of Molly being gone, I think upon her legacy and what I’m doing with the MollyB Foundation to honor her. I have fundraised, supported the arts, and given scholarships to children in her honor. All of this work has helped me as I have gone on the healing journey of writing my book and dealing with nasty comments online.
Key Takeaways:
[2:53] 8 years since Molly died
[5:09] Social media bringing up old memories
[7:01] Thinking I had more time left with Molly
[8:15] What the MollyB Foundation offers
[9:26] Having a wonderful conversation about Molly
[10:59] Fundraising for the MollyB Foundation
[13:25] It’s tiring that people forget Molly
[14:15] Awards that the MollyB Foundation gives out
[14:58] Jack starting dance classes
[18:29] The nasty comments about my IVF journey online
[25:12] The process of writing my book
[28:16] What I envision for Jack when he’s older
[29:38] My life has changed, but still stayed the same
Resources:
- Deliver Me From Nowhere
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
As Memorial Day is upon us, it made me think back to the CrossFit workouts I’ve done in honor of people that have died. That’s what I love about CrossFit. It is not just a workout, it’s about community and supporting one another. In this episode, I look back on the heroes in my life and contemplate what commemorating someone really does.
Key Takeaways:
[2:00] Struggling in the month of May and a turning point
[4:04] Books I’m reading
[8:17] The importance of Memorial Day and CrossFit
[10:25] The hero workout, Murf
[13:38] The article I wrote for Memorial Day
[17:49] Finding community to help me through trauma
[18:39] Finding the meaning in life
[21:14] The workout that was made in Molly’s honor
[23:26] Pondering what fighting for freedom really is
[24:13] The heroes in my life and commemorating my child
[26:01] What is your community?
Resources:
- Soul Boom
- Deliver Me From Nowhere
- The article I wrote on Murf
- The article I wrote on Blake
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
As I wade through death week, I reflect on my grief, how it’s changed and what’s next for the podcast. The podcast has allowed me to work on healing myself and now it’s also going to be a space for other people to share their stories. If you would like to be a guest on the show, please fill out the guest form in the show notes.
Key Takeaways:
[1:14] Being angry during death week
[3:44] Learning more about hormones and trauma
[6:43] Feeling like I killed Molly
[9:08] Learning from looking back on my life
[10:56] My life growing up
[13:17] What’s next for the podcast
[17:26] Talking about child abuse, chronic pain, and more
[22:40] Grief and child loss will be a huge focus
[24:15] Learning ways to be grateful
[25:43] Working to heal myself
[27:13] Life updates and coaching CrossFit
Resources:
- Get Better Girl
- Guest Form
Connect with Barb:
Website
Be a guest on the podcast
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
I have been working to find gratitude in everything I do, even when life feels terrible. Finding the good in tragedy has always been something I’m good at and I’m only trying to do that more everyday. In this episode, I contemplate how my life could have been different had I made different choices and the gratitude I feel now.
Key Takeaways:
[1:06] An important quote on gratitude
[3:19] Having gratitude for the 2000s
[5:00] I’m grateful that I was able to spend time with my kids
[6:42] Working at VLACs and having a flexible schedule
[8:17] Finding such empowerment in CrossFit
[9:13] The people I’ve met through CrossFit
[11:10] The flip side of wanting to rewind time
[12:00] The things that wouldn’t of happened without meeting Roy
[13:36] Wanting to go back in time to have a do-over
[15:29] Realizing I need to open up by doing this podcast
[17:50] I wonder how my life could have been different
[18:59] I should feel grateful all the time
[20:40] Looking to the future of the podcast
Resources:
- Homeless to Harvard
- Case 63 podcast
- Label Free Podcast
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
In this episode, I look back on the podcast interviews I’ve had and the amazing people I’ve met along the way in my grief journey. It’s interesting to see what people remain and the ones who do not as I grieve. I think the most important thing I’ve learned is that helping others is sometimes the best thing I can do for my grief.
Key Takeaways:
[2:57] What is the universe trying to tell me?
[5:45] Being on the Shenanigans podcast
[6:27] Christine, a wonderful mother also in grief
[7:34] Being on the Vintage Mamas podcast
[8:45] Connecting with other women entrepreneurs
[9:20] Sharing my experience being an older mother
[10:37] Having wonderful, funny conversations with hosts
[12:27] Talking to men about mental health and grief
[13:45] The powerful podcasts I’ve been listening to
[15:38] People don’t understand how to be supportive in grief
[17:04] People have tried to silence me
[18:04] The amazing people I’ve met in grief
[19:32] Helping others is sometimes the best thing to do
[22:00] Feeling lost on where to go from here
Resources:
- Shenanigans
- Why Not Devin?
- Vintage Mama podcast
- Legends and Legacies
- Things that Make You Go… Mmm
- Label Free Podcast
- Introducing Me
- I Didn’t Sign Up For This
- Kintsugi Heroes Project
- Three Siblings
- The Last Day
- Flowers By The Nest
- Ellie’s Way
- OK Yup
- Get Ready To Crumbl
- Karen Kenney Show
- The CrossFit Lady
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
As my relationship with Roy ended I mourned that I never received closure from it. I sometimes saw him as a thorny lifeline. I saw the women he dated throughout the years and maintained contact with him until another restraining order came into the picture.
Key Takeaways:
[3:23] Not getting closure from my relationship
[5:20] Meeting Roy for lunch
[8:23] Roy’s relationship with Lori
[10:06] Pulling the dead kid card
[12:57] Roy didn’t want anyone knowing about us
[14:31] Looking at Roy as a lifeline
[17:38] Being able to talk to Kenny without judgment
[19:02] Hearing about the women Roy was dating
[21:59] Starting the IVF process and talking about having kids
[25:15] I just wanted closure
[26:48] Nasty emails between us
[28:41] The restraining order
[33:14] Just wanting to be a good mother
[35:09] Where my life is at
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
After Molly’s death I was a disastrous mess. I was struggling with alcohol and drugs and at the same time dealing with the lawsuit. I had to deal with Roy moving on, dating someone new, and the different realities that he seemed to present to everyone around him.
Key Takeaways:
[5:43] The first actual breakup of Roy and I
[7:22] Being a disastrous mess grieving Molly
[9:57] Having a huge fear of losing Roy
[12:29] Kenny, Gracie, and I all struggled in our grief
[15:36] Kenny and Roy not liking each other
[18:17] Roy wanted me to leave Kenny
[21:53] Roy deleted me from his FaceBook
[23:44] Roy went out with a new woman
[26:37] I feel like Roy orchestrated this situation
[30:50] Wendy and I had these different realities of Roy
[32:44] I didn’t have this big happy family
[34:26] Roy wouldn't take me to the beach, but he took his new girlfriend
[37:05] I was struggling as Roy made his relationship FaceBook official
[40:25] I would love to get closure
[41:31] The lawsuit was ramping up
[42:55] The triangulation in my life
[45:00] Opening myself up for criticism
Resources:
- The Body Keeps the Score
- The Mountain is You
- POWER Book
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
The 2 weeks before Molly died was rough - to say the least. I debated if I was going to go to Amsterdam with Roy. I told Doug I was quitting my job and got him out of my life. I disappointed my kids and argued with Kenny. Each one of these choices proved to be life changing. In this episode, I explore the sadness and self-hatred I have in the aftermath.
Key Takeaways:
[5:08] Molly and Gracie’s dance competition
[7:20] Molly doing theater and the headaches getting worse
[8:14] Doug kept piling extra work on me
[9:29] Doug wouldn’t stop texting me while I was with Roy
[11:06] Doug kept wanting to drink tons of alcohol with me
[12:13] Spending time with Doug instead of my kids
[13:36] Triangulation and narcissism in my life
[17:12] Telling Doug I quit
[17:54] Arguing with Roy about going to Amsterdam
[21:20] Doug going on a rampage, Molly getting sick, and tough choices
[23:18] I still have so much sadness and self-hatred
[24:06] The doctor saying Molly had an eating disorder
[25:00] I got a passport, but also planned to not go to Amsterdam
[25:32] Telling my kids I was going to Amsterdam
[27:59] Molly and Gracie were not happy I was leaving
[30:12] Going to the airport with Roy
[32:36] Enjoying my time in Amsterdam, but arguing with Roy
[33:44] Suddenly feeling like something is deeply wrong
[36:07] Staying with Roy an extra night would be a regret
[37:33] Waking up to 65 texts about Molly being sick
[39:11] Molly not waking up
[41:03] Telling Roy that Molly’s dead
[42:36] I blocked Doug and didn’t contact him
[43:01] Roy apologized to Molly
[44:23] Looking back and feeling insulted
[45:14] Robin supported me while Molly was dying
[46:48] Arguing with Kenny during that week
[49:10] Looking back on my choices
Resources:
- POWER Book
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
My life was falling into chaos as I fell deeper into a convoluted relationship with Doug, was on and off again with Roy, and reconnected with Robin. I worked crazy hours, missed events, and was deeply wrapped up in these relationships. While all this was happening Molly was getting sicker, but the doctor’s wouldn’t do a scan.
Key Takeaways:
[4:27] Writing my book
[7:12] Getting fired from my job
[10:06] Doug kept showing up
[12:38] Working crazy hours, missing CrossFit, coming home late
[14:28] Kenny and I still not getting along
[15:18] Thinking Molly just had migraines
[17:05] Being drunk and angry with Doug
[19:34] Bring back and forth with Roy again
[20:43] Gracie and Molly did not want to spend time with Roy
[26:11] Molly’s head being in agonizing pain and the doctor’s not doing a scan
[28:49] Doug kept reaching out to Roy
[31:00] Hating the chaos of my life
[33:46] Starting my relationship with Robin again
Resources:
- Sixth Sense Movie
- Speech I gave
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
In the summer of 2015, I met a man named Doug who changed my life for the worse. My relationship with him made me feel chaotic and like I was uninvolved in the lives of others around me. It took time away from my family right as Molly began to get sick. In this episode, I look back on how I got sucked into this relationship and the lasting impacts it had on my life.
Key Takeaways:
[3:34] The summer of 2015 was like a tsunami
[5:52] Molly and Gracie were growing up
[7:30] Meeting Doug changed my life for the worse
[9:49] Doug followed me everywhere and convinced me to work for him
[14:25] Doug took time away from my family
[19:17] Roy got mad I was texting Doug
[21:14] Feeling chaotic and uninvolved in my own life
[23:57] Doug kept inappropriately reaching out to people in my life
[25:57] Molly began to say she wasn’t feeling well
[28:01] Spending time with Roy and Kenney and I are unhappy
[29:36] Wondering how I could of made these choices
[32:20] Not thinking much of Molly’s headaches
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
My life felt like it was exploding as I was living 3 major life crises: Roy, Robin, and Kenney. They were all happening at once. My social life imploded and became non-existent, Roy and I “broke up” and got back together, and Kenney moved into an apartment. As I look back on these years I just feel terrible as I ended up repeating patterns from my childhood.
Key Takeaways:
[2:20] Living these two different lives
[4:11] Robin wanted me to only like the people she liked
[5:31] Being busy 7 days a week
[8:08] Getting divorced and seeing Roy all the time
[10:08] Roy always being friends with women and me not reacting well
[12:09] Living 3 lives: Roy, Kenney, and Robin
[14:18] Robin and I shared the same social circle
[16:55] I felt like my life was exploding
[20:12] Kenney tried to drag me down the stairs
[23:19] Kenney moved into an apartment an hour away
[25:57] Robin ending our friendship and losing my social life
[33:03] Roy came to my house and dumped my things out
[36:09] Roy and I’s relationship “ended” and we went skydiving
[39:48] Gracie remembers this time as a happy one
[41:24] Repeating things from my childhood
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
In the time leading up to Molly's death, I had a tumultuous relationship with Roy that was on again, off again. This created chaos in my life as I was finally becoming financially stable, finding hobbies I enjoyed, and trying to give my daughters a good life. As I look back on it all, I realize I was recreating childhood trauma.
Key Takeaways:
[1:39] Spring and Easter are difficult now that Molly died
[3:29] Finishing my book and remodeling my house
[4:36] The school district has changed for the better
[6:45] What I was accused of by Chris Rath
[8:07] Being conflicted about resigning from teaching
[10:28] Being on edge and keeping my schedule chaotic
[11:58] Molly and Gracie stressed out about fitting in
[14:43] Molly and Gracie had wonderful friends at dance
[18:19] Financially my life was getting more stable
[19:34] Having an on again, off again relationship with Roy
[21:31] We all tried to get restraining orders against one another
[23:33] Never having communication with Roy
[25:45] My daughters weren’t comfortable with Roy
[26:54] I ended up just recreating my childhood
[29:47] Kenney and I divorced, but live together
[30:41] Positive things happened in my life as well
[33:06] What next episode will be about
Resources:
- The Grief Refuge
- Patch Articles
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
In 2011, I was working a million jobs just trying to pay the mortgage and keep busy. I was spending time with Roy where I could and a lot of our time spent together was spent dealing with court hearings. As that was going on I started CrossFit, our house almost went to auction, and Kenney got sicker and sicker. It was a whirlwind, before it would all come crashing down.
Key Takeaways:
[5:05] Working at Flips with Robin and Skye
[8:33] Keeping my life open for Roy to be in it
[11:29] Being harassed and getting a restraining order
[14:12] Spending a lot of time in court with Roy
[16:03] Struggling financially, but it slowly getting better
[17:45] Arguing with Kenney and regrets
[18:47] Arguing with Roy and then it was like it never happened
[20:59] Starting CrossFit and finding community
[24:29] My friendship with Robin could be toxic
[26:17] Our house almost went up for auction
[27:44] Kenney was getting sicker and sicker
[29:43] Having this very busy life
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
I attract people with narcissistic tendencies like flies. All my relationships have common themes in them and follow me everywhere: my romantic relationships, my jobs, the school board. These relationships heavily impacted my life as I dealt with death and trying to adjust to losing my job.
Key Takeaways:
[2:01] My friend Tom passed away
[5:34] Feeling pulled on by both sides
[7:09] Restraining orders and Chris Rath
[9:35] People around me with narcissistic tendencies
[11:43] Death continues to devastate me
[13:18] Finishing my book and doing CrossFit
[16:29] Narcissistic tendencies in my relationship with Roy
[19:15] Chris Rath and the school board
[21:11] Trying to decide what to do with my life and Roy
[24:42] Teachers being harassed and the support they receive
[29:40] In 2011, I started a job at an online school
[30:52] My friends stopped talking to me and my kids
[33:26] Meeting Robin, getting a new job, and getting sucked in
[35:01] My life changed so drastically
Resources:
- POWER Book
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Losing my job was devastating and I had to pick up my life piece by piece. I worked a million jobs, spent tons of time with my daughters, and navigated a tricky relationship. I was left with many feelings when I felt like no one in my life supported me and everyone wanted me to resign. It has made me look back on this time and the regrets I have.
Key Takeaways:
[3:33] None of my coworkers supported me
[4:30] I ended up resigning to keep my insurance and pay
[5:53] Being accused of doing everything wrong as a teacher
[8:31] My lawyer was not helpful and told me to resign
[9:40] The agenda that Chris Rath had and how she shifted things
[14:50] Resigning and not fighting against it
[16:48] Chris Rath made the people around her do what she wanted
[17:35] Getting my belongings and leaving the building
[19:51] Putting my life together piece by piece
[21:58] Roy telling me he can’t do our relationship anymore
[24:22] Spending a ton of time with my daughters
[26:47] Getting a restraining order
[28:18] I kept saying yes to things I shouldn’t have
[30:37] Working multiple jobs, trying to stay afloat, relationship drama
[32:52] Looking back on my regrets
Resources:
- Patch Articles
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Between July to November of 2010 I was constantly called into meetings for misbehavior in my job and was suspended. I never went back to teaching. Constantly being harassed, freezing at all the wrong moments, and dealing with a complex relationship outside of school made it a dark time in my life. In this episode, I look back on the manipulation in my life and how it led me to never teach for the district again.
Key Takeaways:
[5:44] Going from being successful to having a stressful life
[7:10] The reality of Roy’s life
[9:07] School buildings being torn down and fighting it
[11:59] Freezing, crying, and being told I could be fired
[15:33] Being told I should take the season off from coaching
[17:09] People being shocked I took off from coaching
[18:09] Trying to do perfectly everyday in fear of being fired
[20:30] Being harassed by the PE teachers and teacher aide
[23:22] Constantly getting called down for meetings
[24:53] My last day of teaching
[27:18] My thoughts looking back on the situation
[29:43] Men and women treated differently
Resources:
- Label Free
- Introducing Me
- Women in Good Company
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
As my life financially kept getting worse, I began a relationship with Roy. Itt had amazing times, but was also filled with gaslighting and love bombing. I debated leaving my marriage, thinking about my kids, and how my life could have alternatively happened. As all this was happening, things finally blew up with my husband and it felt like my entire world was crumbling down.
Key Takeaways:
[3:41] Struggling financially and spending a lot of time working
[4:32] Trauma bonding with others
[6:06] Canceling everything to talk to Roy
[8:04] Spending more time with Roy and the terrible comments
[9:40] Social media disaster and being angry with Roy
[10:54] Starting to get wrapped up in a life with him
[12:32] Starting a romantic relationship with him
[14:29] I think Amy and Roy shared a lot with one another
[15:37] Neglecting my life to spend time with Roy
[16:59] I didn’t want to leave my marriage
[19:09] Struggling to decide to end my marriage and be with Roy
[21:23] Roy preferred things a certain way and we argued
[23:36] He spent a lot of time on the phone with other women
[24:47] Trying to get a restraining order against Amy’s boyfriend
[27:05] Going skiing, it being wonderful but there were red flags
[31:28] Roy not being grateful for the gift I got him
[32:54] Being yelled at and not communicating
[32:48] Our second big fight: choosing music in the car
[36:31] Visiting my biological dad in person for the last time
[37:31] Things officially blowing up with Kenny
[39:51] Testifying in court for Roy
[40:51] Complaints at school were being made
[43:25] Helping Roy talk to his children again
[45:24] Going from being on top of the world to it tumbling down
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
As I started my sabbatical professionally things were going great. I connected with the children and created a curriculum that I was proud of. My relationship with Amy and her family was dwindling, when Roy came back into the picture and it turned my world upside down. In this episode, I go through a series of conflicting emotions and what was truly the calm before the storm.
Key Takeaways:
[3:43] What I wanted to achieve on my sabbatical
[5:48] Amy’s utter devotion to her relationship over her children
[7:31] The changes I saw in Teresa
[8:37] The work I did on my sabbatical integrating mind, body, and soul
[11:06] School drop off and a deteriorating relationship with Amy
[14:55] Having less interaction with Teresa
[16:33] Pulling away from Amy and a flurry of emails
[19:13] Staying on sabbatical longer and conflicted emotions
[21:20] Having a wonderful track season and vacation
[23:39] Morgan and Teresea being moved abruptly
[24:24] Searching for Roy on Facebook and talking to him
[31:30] Being able to have a little contact with Teresa again
[32:48] Meeting Roy for a drink and discussing our lives
[36:15] Roy invited my sister for dinner which was upset about
Resources:
- Vintage Mamas
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
The tension was starting to become overwhelming when a restraining order came into play. Amy and I both pulled away from our friendship and I had our children separated in class. The stress permeated every aspect of my life as the situation became worse and worse. In this episode, I look back on how the restraining order was used and the impact it left.
Key Takeaways:
[3:44] Amy’s strong desire to cling to me
[6:25] Roy oversharing with Teresa
[10:10] Pulling back from my relationship with Amy
[12:32] Amy obtaining a restraining order and Roy finding out
[15:31] Going to court and Roy not fighting the restraining order
[18:07] Amy pulled away from me and disappeared for hours at a time
[22:54] Working with Amy and feeling left with a knot in my stomach
[24:59] Meeting Amy’s new boyfriend
[26:11] Reality started to click in about the situation
[29:17] I asked for Morgan and Gracie to be in separate classrooms
[31:41] Starting my sabbatical, stressful times, and looking back
[33:54] Thinking about how my life could have been different
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
As the situation with Amy escalated and I tried to step back, my life felt like it was a dumpster on fire. My household finances were a mess and I was constantly being pulled into 50 different directions. As I learned more about the situation, I felt more and more needed by Amy and the situation quickly started tumbling downwards.
Key Takeaways:
[4:19] Constantly being called by Amy on the phone
[9:04] Applying for my sabbatical
[10:50] Struggling with financials and the IRS
[14:29] How Gracie and Morgan played together
[17:17] Boundary crossing and alarms bells ringing
[22:11] Starting my sabbatical on health
[22:55] Gracie walked to the YMCA by herself and a panic attack
[24:27] Amy having surgery, increasing needs, and stress
[27:51] Starting to learn more about Amy’s and Roy’s relationship
[31:48] The situation was escalating and trying to step away
[38:41] Looking back on the experience
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
My first 2 years of my friendship with Amy were a gift, but I didn’t know how it would change the trajectory of my life. We truly did click as friends as our friendship was largely centered around motherhood. But our communication styles and how we lived our lives separated us. In this episode, I explore how a relationship changed my life and drove my other friends away.
Key Takeaways:
[2:04] Staying in abusive relationships
[5:57] My friendship with Amy was centered around our kids
[8:30] Struggling financially, but not knowing how bad it was
[10:10] It was like Amy had two different personalities
[11:40] Being called a compulsive liar
[12:42] Helping one another with birthdays and having fun
[14:53] Birthdays should be about the child, not the adult
[16:38] Differences between Amy and my religion
[18:33] Letting Amy jump over my boundaries
[20:23] Our communication styles differed
[21:20] The boat and Amy dropping off her children unannounced
[23:55] My life was rapidly changing especially in my career
[25:51] All my friendships became strained, but I was blind to it
[27:06] Amy appeared like didn’t want to be with her kids and consent
[28:24] The first 2 years my friendship with Amy was a gift
[30:43] How my perception has changed all these years later
Resources:
- The Secret Life of Bees
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
It started with a note in a backpack and ended with a bucketload of complex emotions. The summer of 2005 to the summer of 2007 was a relatively normal time, but it would end in disaster because of a new friend I made. There were red flags everywhere, but I chose to ignore them because I felt like we really clicked and we were bonded by motherhood. That boundary crossing would come back to haunt me later and would impact the next decade of my life.
Key Takeaways:
[4:41] Getting sick, having a terrible holiday, and resetting goals
[10:52] Connecting with my college friends and stories of sexual abuse
[18:05] Summer of 2005 and losing a baby
[20:31] It started with a note in a backpack and making a new friend
[22:30] Feeling like Amy was “off” but diving into a friendship
[26:28] Receiving constant phone calls and crossed boundaries
[27:36] Triangulation, enmeshed friendship, and ruined relationships
[30:43] Not knowing much about Roy and being uncomfortable
[32:37] The disastrous dinner and keeping the kids isolated
[38:14] Arguing over driving and picking up the kids
[41:18] My friendship with Amy ate into my family time
[43:49] Amy and Roy leaving on a trip and not contacting me for 3 days
[45:17] Seeing more and more red flags, but feeling insecure in the friendship
[48:21] Helping Amy get a job, but she crossed over my boundaries
[50:23] It was emotionally taxing to deal with boundary crossing
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
When I was younger, New Year’s Eve was a time to play outside and eat a lot with friends. As I grew older, it was a holiday synonymous with alcohol. My friends and I would go to parties, stay up all night, and get blackout drunk. When I became a mom that all changed: it became a pretty sober event, spending time with kids, and making a bonfire. After Molly died we stopped celebrating and now that I have Jack we will have to decide what new traditions we want to create.
Key Takeaways:
[1:47] Finding patterns in time
[2:47] Time stopped when Molly died
[4:11] Beginning anew in 2023
[5:36] How I spent New Year’s Eve as a child
[7:47] Playing outside a ton of New Year’s Eve
[9:07] Getting drunk in high school
[10:23] Staying up all night partying in college
[12:58] Running and getting drunk with my Nike friends
[14:36] Having New Year’s Eve’s that didn’t involve alcohol
[15:21] My friend died on New Year’s Eve
[17:10] Going to a party and getting drunk with Kenny
[18:16] Making a choice to not go out and party with Kenny
[19:15] Not celebrating the holiday after Molly died
[22:40] Doing a campfire for our children when they were little
[23:34] What Season 7 will be about
Resources:
- Groundhog’s Day
- New Year’s Eve Movie
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
The holidays are time markers and they remind me of what I’ve lost. They also remind me of all the expectations society has around holidays and the hypocrisy of it all. After losing Molly it was too difficult to celebrate the holidays. Now that I have Jack we have begun to create new traditions and try to do “normal” holidays again. I am focusing on celebrating the holidays the way I want to and not catering to society's expectations.
Key Takeaways:
[2:53] My initial relationship to grief
[4:39] Arguing with Kenny about drinking
[5:43] Trying to improve and grow as a person
[8:34] Faking that everything was fine around the holidays as a child
[12:13] Not celebrating Christmas as a Bahai
[13:06] Traditions I had with Kenny and my daughters
[14:06] Stopping celebrating holidays when Molly died, but starting again
[17:04] How our traditions are changing with Jack
[21:39] Holidays show how hypocritical people are
[25:06] Finding joy in tragedy and people being uncomfortable with feelings
[27:07] Feeling forced into traditions
[28:14] Giving away a MollyB basket for the holidays
[29:03] Feeling like a child and being stuck in the past
[30:39] Struggling with disenfranchised grief
Resources:
- Prince of Tides
- Sad Book
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Sexual abuse has impacted me in many ways: issues with overgiving, boundaries, people pleasing, shame, and intimacy have followed me in my life. I have suffered in physical pain to ignore emotional discomfort with these emotions. This has shown me that I need to confront these feelings and work through the trauma that sexual abuse has left me with.
Key Takeaways:
[3:33] Having issues with overgiving
[6:05] Being anxious and overbearing
[7:32] Feeling on the outskirts of my friend group
[9:22] Finding safety in my friendships
[14:31] Being too trusting in friendships, but struggling to maintain relationships
[15:21] Accepting the wrong people in my life and being a people pleaser
[16:24] Feeling like I need to help people even when it burns me
[17:19] Constantly feeling shame around my choices
[19:55] Oversharing and boundaries
[20:55] Intimacy is difficult after my daughter’s death
[24:45] The toxic shame is not mine to carry
[26:53] People in my life that were supportive of me
[32:48] Being emotionally isolated and making peace in my life
[35:24] Making new friends
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
I really, really struggle with self sabotage in every aspect of my life. From relationships, to not following through on things, to recreating trauma. It is an endless battle. I am working to better myself by being introspective and examining why I constantly sabotage myself and what I can do to work on it.
Key Takeaways:
[1:35] Self sabotage and regret in my life
[4:09] Physical and emotional stress can make us stronger
[6:02] Self sabotaging in an effort to protect myself
[9:48] Sabotaging myself to create familiarity and safety
[11:05] Drinking to fit in
[13:36] Not having a good diet, but exercising
[14:53] Teaching even though coaching lite me up
[17:17] Having this idea off what I’m supposed to be
[18:09] Sabotaging relationships, finding safety in people, and escaping
[20:36] Not following through on things
[23:13] Hanging on to past relationships
[25:47] Reasons for sabotage
[27:38] I hate being wrongly accused
[29:24] Being in a state of denial and working to better myself
[30:41] Recreating trauma and the battle of the brain
[31:59] Contemplating why I live my life the way I do
[35:37] Thinking about what needs to change in my life
[38:23] Checking up on past relationships
[42:11] Trying to better myself and my business
[44:50] Staying in Concord even though I complain about it
[47:21] The struggle with social media
Resources:
- The Mountain is You
- The Body Keeps the Score
- POWER Book
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
After my daughter’s death I began to truly feel my age sink in. I gained weight, had trauma induced menopause, and body dysmorphia. I struggled and not only lost my daughter, but lost many people I cared for in life. Nothing was the same and trying to find a way to heal myself is an ongoing journey.
Key Takeaways:
[2:14] Feeling old after Molly’s death
[4:04] Losing everything, not just Molly and gaining weight
[6:27] Trauma induced menopause and body dysmorphia
[10:04] Having a physical response to death
[15:28] Using exercise to connect with the people I’ve dated
[17:50] Raising my kids to be athletic
[18:38] Hating my body growing up
[22:17] How cognitive behavioral therapy can help
[23:37] Finding a positive aspect to associate with my identity
[24:25] Sexual assault victims have the responsibility to not make others uncomfortable
[26:50] Being told to keep secrets
[28:02] Being disconnected to my body
[29:47] Other peoples crushing expectations
[33:27] Looking at how somatic healing can help my life
[35:31] Finding ways that make you happy as a whole
Resources:
- Florence Holway Story
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Intergenerational trauma is something that has plagued my family and I’m trying to change it, but it feels like a burden to bear. Growing up, having to keep secrets and not having my basic needs met has made me evaluate how that’s impacted my parenting today. I have many things to work through with many different types of therapies at my disposal, but it will take time to wade through this generational trauma.
Key Takeaways:
[1:22] Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
[6:36] Physical safety in the hierarchy
[7:33] My emotional needs and trauma bonding
[8:19] Analyzing my past self and generational trauma
[14:13] Growing up the message was that women were less than men
[17:36] Hyper independence and people pleasing
[22:27] Having to keep secrets as a child was damaging
[25:00] Love and abuse in the family
[27:09] Passing on trauma to my children: nature or nurture?
[31:25] Giving our children what we didn’t have growing up
[32:40] How grief impacted my parenting
[34:57] Having issues with boundaries, hypervigilance, and intrusive thoughts
[36:29] I’m working to heal intergenerational trauma
[38:00] Medical side of psychology
[38:55] EMDR and how it helped me
[40:13] Somatic healing: how the mind and body connect
[44:09] Trauma causes growth
[44:38] People tell me I’m too honest about my story
[45:56] The process of wading through trauma
Resources:
- It Didn’t Start with You
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
I was sexually abused as a child and it still impacts me at almost 60 years old. It took me a long time to be able to tell this story and to look back at the psychological impact that these terrible experiences had on me. It was a confusing time where I lost so much of myself, but telling this story has been cathartic. If you need help there are resources below.
Key Takeaways:
[2:45] My mom was a stay at home mother and my dad worked a lot
[4:20] First instance of sexual abuse
[6:46] It happening again and feeling terrible for not saying anything
[9:40] First physical incident and the fear it created in me
[14:28] Being abused constantly in 5th grade
[18:04] Setting fire to my clothing
[19:07] My social life began to tank in 5th grade
[21:30] Being aware of my sexuality
[23:35] Being abused again, but having a better understanding
[25:07] Going to the ER for asthma and feeling safe in the hospital
[26:32] Being abused in 6th grade and hypervigilance
[28:59] Having to get my siblings ready in the morning
[31:08] Beginning to understand the full scope of sexual abuse
[33:16] The last abuse attempt and telling my mom
[35:23] Looking back on the psychological changes in me
[37:41] Family history of abuse and generational trauma
[39:41] Struggling with sleeping with a lot of people in my early twenties
[42:54] Isolating myself, depression, and exhaustion
[45:14] Reexperiencing trauma and hypervigilance
[47:14] Parental support helped save me
[47:44] My response to sexual abuse
[50:41] How being abused affected my parenting
[52:33] Getting very sick in the hospital and not eating
[53:59] The good and the bad in my life
[56:18] Releasing these words is cathartic to me
[57:14] Victims are not at fault for being assaulted
[57:39] Losing parts of myself, but continuing to push forward
Resources:
- Twister Movie
- National Sexual Abuse Hotline
- National Domestic Abuse Hotline
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Elementary school and the 60s feels like the last time I felt okay before I began 4th grade. My mom was a young mom, my dad worked all day, and I spent my summers outside at the public pool. When school was in session I dealt with sexist teachers and when I left for the day I went to church 3 times a week. In this episode, I dive deep into my generational identity and the calm before the storm.
Key Takeaways:
[2:15] I don’t identify as a boomer and being born into a time of change
[3:56] My mom being a young mom and having a carefree childhood
[6:46] The TV shows I watched as a child
[8:11] Constantly playing outside with the neighborhood kids
[9:56] Household and school life growing up
[12:11] Not understanding Tom was my biological father yet
[13:24] The expectations of girls in school in the 60s
[15:26] Having an age gap between siblings and chaos
[16:38] Swimming at the pool all day
[18:55] Enjoying time with my grandparents
[20:58] Divorce and family transcending beyond blood
[24:25] Going to church every Sunday was a big part of my life
[26:56] Being very empathetic from a young age
[29:18] Getting in trouble for wearing pants to school
[31:08] Climbing the fire escape to leave school
[34:06] Becoming friends with Suzanne and joining church choir
[39:32] Trying to understand my mom and how my life went downhill
[41:42] Being so happy in third grade, but that changing in fourth grade
[43:23] Being overwhelmed by starting school in a new building
[44:36] Missing the first 2 weeks of school because I had the mumps
[45:46] People think I appear dumb and being people pleasing
[47:14] My relationship with my mom was wonderful
[51:48] The summer before 4th grade was the last summer I was okay
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Trying to find my way in the workplace was not an easy task for me. Dealing with coworkers and bosses who didn’t like me while trying to manage my life behind the scenes made my head spin. In this episode, I discuss how trauma impacted my relationships with others and leaving my life in Boston behind.
Key Takeaways:
[1:58] Not getting along with a co-worker and finding a new job
[3:42] Special education and the labels we use
[5:13] Relationship struggles and trauma
[8:03] Still feeling like a child and not dealing well with authority
[17:10] Resigning from my teaching job and having medical problems
[22:47] Working for the Boston Bike Courier
[25:59] Hanging with my party friends again
[27:06] Envy at my friends with good families and being mad at mine
[30:40] The burden of keeping my biological father a secret
[33:32] Leaving my life in Boston behind and joining AA
[35:07] Getting drunk and waking up in a random apartment
[38:33] The scary abusive patterns in my life
Resources:
- Prince of Tides
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
In the years of ‘86 and ‘87, it was a tumultuous time. I was blessed to go to 4 different countries and get my first teaching job, but I heavily struggled with drugs and alcohol. At the same time, I was in a relationship with a man twice my age and my friends were pulling away from me. In this episode, I explore being a functional alcoholic and the struggles I endured because of it.
Key Takeaways:
[4:21] Drinking and drugs, friends leaving me behind, and moving back home
[5:32] Working at a bar and drinking on my shift
[10:27] Moving in with Alyssa and working for a running magazine
[14:59] Continuing to make bad choices and my drinking and drug use getting worse
[16:52] Being bad at managing money and working just to pay the bills
[22:02] Applying and receiving a teaching position to get my life back on track
[23:07] Going to Switzerland and beginning a relationship with a man twice my age
[25:01] Not being a great teacher at a job that wasn’t right for me
[26:56] Getting an assistant coaching job and getting into a car accident
[29:22] Moving in with Bob and having an abusive relationship
[31:39] Traveling, being a functioning alcoholic, and being successful
[32:47] The trip from hell: Hawaii
[36:01] Starting to understand what was going on in my life
[37:40] Transitions are difficult
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
My senior year was filled with academics - and a little cocaine. As crazy as I partied in college, I also took advantage of my full scholarship to BU and got a masters degree in a year. I grew as a person and became much more of an adult, even when I struggled with my on again, off again relationship with David.
Key Takeaways:
[1:46] Turning point of adulthood the summer after sophomore year
[3:11] Being introduced to cocaine
[7:29] Starting my junior year in 1983 with a new running coach
[10:57] Getting injured, receiving surgery, and not being able to run
[16:01] Spending most of my time studying and getting ahead
[17:13] Becoming very close to David’s family
[22:03] My senior year, struggling with David, and focusing on academics
[24:43] Partying a ton, getting a masters, and graduating
[26:29] Breaking up with David and getting back together with him
[27:29] Getting my tonsils taken out
[29:08] Finally feeling better and running my best times
[31:20] The happy and the sad are intertwined in my life
[32:31] Having no plans after graduating
[33:50] Being awarded a full scholarship is still surreal
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
My sophomore year was a fantastic year for me. I finally started staying at BU on the weekends and I had found a group of friends. I broke up with Jay and began a healthy relationship with David which has had a substantial impact on my life. To top it off, I became the first female Division 1 All American for BU. I felt on top of the world.
Key Takeaways:
[0:57] Reflecting on my actions and goals
[6:32] Connecting to BU, making friends, and staying for the weekends
[11:36] Struggling a bit at track meets with Jay training me
[13:48] Living in an apartment and being surrounded by all my friends
[16:19] Gaining better time management skills with my classes
[17:32] Ending my relationship with Jay, but he didn’t want to
[19:12] Drinking socially, not to get drunk
[20:26] Becoming the first Division 1 female All American at BU
[24:00] Feeling like I had arrived and found my place
[25:38] Meeting David, my first serious and healthy relationship
[29:01] Going down to the Cape in the summer of 1983
[30:11] Becoming great friends with Sally who is an amazing athlete
[33:19] Feeling like I mattered, but getting scared when things were good
Resources:
- Summarization of Atomic Habits
- Atomic Habits
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
The first semester of my freshman year of college was a difficult transition. It was an odd time in between being a teenager and an adult who had to handle things themselves. Learning time management skills, dealing with a coach that pushed me too hard, getting injured, and competing with my teammates made for a whirlwind. By the end of it I was ready to leave, but going home is what helped me realize I had to stay.
Key Takeaways:
[6:38] Feeling weird having so much freedom going from 17 to 18
[8:03] Fun I had in the summer of 1981
[9:23] My first semester of college was terrible
[10:11] Training camp at BU
[12:51] Title 9, the impact it had on sports, and my team at BU
[15:33] We all struggled with things like eating disorders, alcoholism, etc
[16:49] Having to buy things for myself as an adult and growing up
[18:09] Struggling with time management
[20:21] Coach at BU pitted us against one another and broke us down
[23:32] Being amazed at the freedom of adulthood and a co-ed dorm
[25:39] The pressure on the women’s team, the discrimination, and injuries
[27:46] Noticing how many runners had eating disorders
[30:58] My injury put a lot of pressure on me and my athletic scholarship
[33:24] Going home for Christmas break and not having a bedroom anymore
[34:19] Realizing I need to go back to BU and my relationship with Jay was strained
[35:26] It’s okay if you don’t enjoy college at first, it’s a tough transition
[37:16] Life is a chronic existence of coexisting emotions
[38:50] New England weather and remembering to breathe
Resources:
- Karen Kenney
- Ok Yup podcast
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
The first semester of my senior year was horrible. I dealt with a subpar cross country coach, argued with my friends, lost several races, my drinking got worse, and I had an abortion. I went into a depression and it was only the second half of my senior year that I was able to crawl out of it, find positives in the situation, and get a full scholarship to Boston University.
Key Takeaways:
[3:13] Making a name for myself in the running community
[4:16] Processing my relationship with science guy
[5:02] Falling in love with Jay and hour age difference
[7:40] Getting a new cross country coach who wasn’t great
[8:59] Getting nervous around a future olympian and losing to her
[11:19] Agreeing to tie with Marty in a race and breaking that
[11:23] Being upset with my running because I wasn’t first
[14:30] Trying out for the musical and falling in love with theater
[17:05] Being terrified and getting an abortion
[22:55] Feeling like I had lost everything and being depressed
[25:21] Using theater to process my emotions
[26:59] Working towards 5 minutes in a mile and meeting that goal
[28:39] My drinking getting worse and vomiting at a dance
[31:08] Losing confidence in my running and getting pneumonia
[32:52] Not listening to my coach on the track
[35:04] Applying to colleges and getting a full scholarship to BU
[37:17] My senior year was horrid, but light was at the end of the tunnel
[40:01] Marty going to BU with me and my running getting better
[41:12] Going to California for running
[42:36] My relationship with Jay had such good times
[43:51] Feeling connected to my body in a positive way
Resources:
- The Body Keeps the Score
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
I went Into junior year a different person: I wasn’t with science guy anymore, I had a table at lunch, and my running improved. Along with the good there was such chaos though. My drinking problems began and I got into unsafe relationships with older men. In this episode, I explore my feelings recovering from trauma and finding my people.
Key Takeaways:
[2:52] I went into junior year a very different person
[3:54] Women had less rights in the 70s and 80s
[5:25] Trying to process being sexually assaulted
[6:58] Feeling grown up and improving my running time
[8:21] Having a table to sit with at lunch because of track
[8:55] The fearsome five group of runners
[11:23] Running 35 miles a week
[13:14] Being in relationships with people significantly older than me
[15:45] Trying cross country, alienating people, and quitting
[18:22] Meeting Marty, my future college roommate
[21:02] Streaking in a hotel and getting caught by the cops
[23:46] Science guy was with several others when he was with me
[24:36] Feeling like I belonged in junior year and gaining confidence
[27:04] Learning about anorexia and how it impacts runners
[29:06] My problem with drinking began
[31:41] Getting drunk at a dance, smacking into a wall, and getting confronted
[33:49] How my running time improved throughout high school
[35:54] Realizing science guy wasn’t in love with me and my parents finding out
[38:33] Seeing Molly in younger me
[39:40] People are more vocal about child abuse now
Resources:
- The Silence of Great Distance
- Stitches
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
My sophomore year was full of ups and downs. I went into the year not knowing where to sit at lunch, and unsure of myself. I ended up going to Germany, quitting gymnastics, joining the cheer team, and becoming a track star. As all these amazing things happened, I spent more time with my teacher, science guy, which quickly became something more.
Key Takeaways:
[8:30] Going to gymnastics camp again and feeling harassed
[11:03] Gymnastics camp giving me a social life
[12:36] My eventful first day of 10th grade as a cheerleader
[13:58] Mr. Smith made such an impact on my life
[17:07] Going to science guy’s class and being humiliated
[19:34] Enjoying cheerleading, dances, getting drunk and in trouble
[24:35] Quitting gymnastics and struggling with my asthma
[26:25] Keeping myself insanely busy and trying to find a new social group
[28:39] Starting to spend time with science guy in his apartment
[30:28] I struggle with boundaries and where lines can blur with teachers
[34:01] Making excuses to spend more and more time with science guy
[36:30] Going out for track because of science guy, but struggling with asthma
[41:24] Feeling like I fit in, becoming a track star, and getting popular
[45:57] Having sex for the first time at 15 and the trauma repeating in my life
[50:53] I recreated the abuse and trauma from when I was younger
Resources:
- The Silence of Great Distance
- The Body Keeps the Score
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Junior high school was a trying time for me between admitting I was being sexually abused to my mom to finding out who my biological father was. Through all the chaos and craziness I was trying to find my way and a group of friends to fit in with. It was not an easy endeavor and so I kept as busy as I could and tried not to be home. In this episode, I explore my early teen years and how it shaped me today.
Key Takeaways:
[8:30] 7th grade in junior high school was a transitional year
[10:16] Doing activities outside of school and struggling with asthma
[11:03] Recognizing I was suffering from abuse and telling my mom
[17:46] Going into 8th grade, not eating, and filling my schedule
[19:09] My parents getting a divorce
[22:13] Going to gymnastics camp and meeting such supportive friends
[25:26] I kept myself busy with cheerleading so I didn’t have to be home
[27:20] Finding out Tom was my biological father
[29:28] Being told to sit still and be quiet all my life
[30:08] Trying to be popular, look a certain way, and socioeconomics of Concord
[33:07] Being friends with people from different social groups
[33:58] Molly was a floater like me
[35:59] Becoming more confident through sports
[38:05] Constantly feeling behind my friends
[41:38] Giving your children space and not controlling them
[42:54] I learned that I could feel both joy and tragedy at the same time
[45:34] Social life has changed
Resources:
- Summer of my German Soldier
- The Body Keeps the Score
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
I’ve made it one year as a podcaster! This is such an accomplishment for me and I’m excited to see the progress I’ve made. I can’t wait to bring you along as I continue to write blog posts, podcast episodes, and expand into building my brand.
Key Takeaways:
[4:41] Where I started with the podcast
[8:22] Where I’m going next with the podcast
[12:16] Being told I’m playing the victim
[15:20] I love getting feedback from my listeners
[17:17] The negative comments I’ve gotten since having Jack
[23:36] Working to finalize the MollyB Foundation
[25:56] Season 3 and dealing with trauma
[29:04] Season 4, parenting, and the struggles
[32:15] Getting momentum going with the podcast and blog
[34:29] Thinking about the future of my business
[35:59] CrossFit is my community that keeps me going
[39:35] I don’t want to repeat my life and moving forward
[42:33] Meeting more entrepreneurs and learning about business
[44:37] My goals and where I’m headed
Resources:
- Hate article written about me
- The Body Keeps the Score
- Shenanigans Podcast
- Jace Apollo Creative
- Judy B Web Studio
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
The lines are often blurred to me on what’s okay to share and what’s not. When a student came to me sharing that they were in a relationship with a teacher, I shared my own story of how I was in a relationship with my teacher, “science guy” when I was a young teenager. This choice proved to have a ripple effect - for better and for worse. As I had to share my story in front of a school board, I contemplate my feelings around our relationship and the narrative of sexual assault victims.
Key Takeaways:
[3:34] Going to Washington D.C. and meeting Kenny
[4:48] Being a health teacher and being criticized in lessons
[9:40] A student came to me and said her friend was in a relationship with a teacher
[11:54] The friend in a relationship with a teacher came to me a week later
[12:59] Getting in trouble with Chris Rath for telling my story of sexual assault
[17:05] The lines blurred of what’s okay to share with students
[19:59] Other teachers were let go
[21:09] Being forced to tell my story of sexual assault at a school board meeting
[23:59] Being harassed for telling my story and getting a restraining order
[26:48] Feeling powerless as “science guy” quickly got another job
[30:40] Feeling like a sacrificial lamb for the district and not realizing my options
[34:08] Victims of sexual assault are guilty before proven innocent
[38:05] Teaching consent and debating on where the lines blur
[47:01] Being left with mixed feelings on the incident with “science guy”
[49:13] My next season and plans for having guests on the podcast
Resources:
- Chessy Prout’s book on assault at St. Pauls
- Shenanigans Podcast
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Connecting with siblings I didn’t live with, creating a track camp, and going through a 15 year period where I worked to redefine myself was a lot. In the 90s I spent a ton of time connecting with my siblings that I never really got to know and I cherish those relationships. In the 2000s, I achieved some of my proudest professional moments including starting a track camp. In this episode, I dive into how these big moments changed me as a person.
Key Takeaways:
[5:57] Thinking about the “what if’s” in my life
[8:22] Creating relationships with my siblings later in life
[13:52] This series of events with my family shaped me
[16:41] 25 years of Princeton Camp helped shape me into a leader
[22:19] I started Barb’s Track Camp to provide opportunities to kids
[26:32] Track Camp has changed over time, but I’m so proud of what I created
[31:31] Creating a great track and field / cross country program at Concord High
[34:43] I’m great at event planning and I’m so happy to give back to my community
[38:10] I spent 15 years redefining myself
Resources:
- Shenanigans Podcast
- Homeless to Harvard
- Barb’s Track Camp
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
As I look back on my professional life, I realize that I’ve been asked to leave almost every job I’ve had. I’ve ignored so many red flags from nasty coworkers to recognizing my own issues with following rules and having boundaries. In this episode, I explore my relationships with others in the workplace and why I have struggled so much.
Key Takeaways:
[3:13] I’ve always struggled with my behavior and boundaries in the workplace
[5:02] I changed jobs a lot and self sabotaged my chances
[5:45] Teaching in Woburn, getting into arguments, and probably not doing a good job
[7:06] Teaching in an elementary school, but deciding to leave after a year
[8:10] I contemplated my next move and applied to jobs
[9:09] I took the job at Second Start and didn’t work as a team with another teacher
[11:13] My brother Jonathan with ADHD inspired me to become a SPED teacher
[14:25] The job at Second Start was challenging and only lasted a year
[15:59] Working as a teacher at Walker school and being overwhelmed
[18:45] I struggled to coach and teach with the same discipline
[22:24] Taking a new job as a health teacher with a less than warm welcome
[24:28] Julie and I split the job and it became so much better
[26:25] I questioned myself and felt like I wasn’t fulfilling my potential
[29:34] I’ve been asked to leave almost every job I’ve ever had
[31:36] I push a boundary or decide rules don’t apply to me
[37:06] I returned to Concord and stayed here, but I didn’t think I would
[39:17] I met so many wonderful people, but struggled to show up on time
Resources:
- The Body Keeps the Score
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
When I moved back to Concord, I didn’t have a large group of friends and I had to build my social circle up again. There were so many important people in my life that made a big impact at one point and changed the path I was on. From spending time together with the girls I coached to the students I supported, I received something from all of them. Along the way, I learned how to build a family and what that means to me.
Key Takeaways:
[3:17] I was social, but didn’t make close knit friends
[5:03] I kept myself busy and my relationship with Meg at Second Start
[9:22] My time with Chaz was a whirlwind who has supported me heavily
[11:47] Jack and I grew up together and we ended up both coaching cross country
[14:15] I didn’t get close with the people I worked with
[15:25] Polly is my rock who I’ve fought with, but has always been there when I needed her
[16:51] Struggling with boundaries and coaching track
[17:38] Chris was on the first team I coached and we clicked as people
[19:40] Chris and I made each other scrapbooks of our time together
[21:26] Rachel felt validated by me and I felt validated by her
[24:57] Ember comes from a very religious family and how that played into my life
[27:05] I didn’t take time off of coaching even after giving birth
[28:17] I bonded with everyone on my track teams and we spent so much time together
[30:12] Mariah was there to support me when I lost my job and Molly died
[32:37] Reconnecting with my college friends who I didn’t see for years
[35:43] Erin and Anna both had such strong ties to their family
[38:08] I had to recreate my life when I moved back to Concord
Resources:
- My Soul House blog
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Family is a complicated word that has so many meanings, but I think that at the end of the day it’s about creating a community. Over the years I have worked to create my chosen family, alongside my biological one and I encourage my children to do the same. In this episode, I explore the concept of family and how it can be whatever you want it to be.
Key Takeaways:
[3:29] Feeling out of place in my family
[5:46] My biological and extended family growing up
[11:42] Redefining what family means with adoption and who we are as people
[15:20] My life falling apart with Molly dying
[17:58] The definition of family and what it means
[22:37] The meaning of the word “queer” has changed
[25:03] Choosing what you think is right or your family
[27:31] Family is community
[30:08] Sharing a history of abuse with the women in my family
[23:59] I always want to have a resolution with the people in my life
[34:52] Thinking about what everyone in a family needs to thrive
[36:51] Feeling obligated to honor your family
[38:34] I want Jack to have lots of chosen family
[40:12] I was trying to create a white picket fence life which didn’t exist
[41:19] Trying to find more balance in my life
[42:55] What is your family like?
Resources:
- Queer Family Building 101
- Eat Walk, Half Double podcast
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
In this episode, I reflect on the birthdays I’ve had, my age, and my mortality. Age is a concept that has changed over time for me. I used to think 50 was old, and now I realize I still have so much life to live ahead of me. As I ponder how I will take care of Jack and analyze my decisions, I also think about how I have improved as a person.
Key Takeaways:
[4:27] The concept of age is a funny thing
[9:09] Realizing I was halfway to 30
[11:40] Turning 30 and looking at myself in the mirror
[12:27] When I was 40 I had just had Molly and my life took a turn
[13:46] Being 50 and having multiple part time jobs to pay the bills
[15:30] I haven’t celebrated my birthday since Molly died
[17:14] Having a baby in my late 50s and thinking about my mortality
[18:35] Thinking about adopting a baby and what I want my future to be
[20:54] Finally starting to take better care of myself physically
[23:59] College was not the best time of my life, it doesn’t need to be
[28:18] You do not have to rush with life
[30:10] Being in great physical shape
[31:46] Thinking about death
Resources:
- The Nest Group
- 28 Carrots Group
- Barb’s commercial
- Okay, Yup podcast
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Remembering the birth of Gracie and Molly has brought up raw emotion within me. I envisioned this white picket fence life: 2 kids, a loving husband, and a big house in a good neighborhood. That is not how life turned out in the slightest. Dealing with the grief of what I don’t have anymore, and what I’ll never get to experience is something I process everyday.
Key Takeaways:
[6:06] Winning a championship race and getting Coach of the Year Award
[10:35] The birth of Gracie
[20:17] I couldn’t keep being pregnant with Molly a secret
[25:02] The birth of Molly
[33:27] Gracie felt ignored when Molly was born
[34:49] Continuing to coach full time after Molly was born
[35:57] Forgetting my breast pump and my day almost ending in disaster
[39:01] Gracie and Molly nursed really well
[40:24] I thought I would have this white picket fence life forever
[43:09] Memories of Molly as a baby
[46:18] Repeating old patterns of behavior when life is quiet
[50:14] RB Productions of Rent was beautiful
[53:02] Being able to give joy to someone else
Resources:
- RB Productions
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
When Kenny and I met it was a time of chaos. We were both getting a divorce from our ex partners and trying to juggle the realities of adulthood. Our relationship was built on a solid friendship and I imagined what my life would entail, but that got turned on its head when Molly died. In this episode, I explore how Kenny and I met, the struggles we had, and how it set the foundation for the chaotic life that was to come.
Key Takeaways:
[8:43] Giving it a year to see if we could work, but knowing Eric and I were over
[10:11] Dating new people and still going to AA meetings
[12:12] A student confessing she had sex with her teacher and sharing my experience
[15:14] Chaperoning a field trip, meeting Kenny, and becoming friends
[18:37] Chaperoning another field trip with Kenny and spending time with his kids
[19:57] The chaos surrounding Eric and Kenny
[21:49] Spending time with Kenny and buying a house
[24:31] Struggling with drinking again and Kenny’s ugly divorce
[27:05] Helping Kenny find apartment and feeling safe with him
[29:30] Moving in with Kenny, but feeling like I was tearing Kenny’s family apart
[31:44] Realizing I was pregnant with Gracie
[34:19] Cutting down on alcohol in the summer of 1999
[35:09] Kenny and I come from such different family structures
[36:25] Making big progress in my career and timing a race at Martha’s Vineyard
[41:06] I planned to have kids with Kenny
[41:49] Buying my current house the second I saw it
[43:34] Feeling like everything was in place, but that the bad was around the corner
[44:40] Waiting for Kenny’s divorce to finalize to get married
[45:13] Our wedding plans almost ended in disaster
[47:47] Feeling such joy, not knowing how my life would turn upside down
[51:17] There is a 30 foot billboard with my face on it in NYC
[54:42] People’s response to me filming this commercial
[56:17] Please give feedback for the podcast
Resources:
- The Body Keeps the Score
- Barb’s commercial
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
After 11 weeks, I got married - to a narcissist. I didn’t recognize the signs: I was his third wife, younger than him, and he isolated me from family and friends. Marrying him was an impulsive choice accelerated by trauma bonds left unhealed. As I dive into this episode, I ponder what led me to marry him and why I keep repeating the same choices.
Key Takeaways:
[4:37] Starting to date Graham and alcohol in our relationship
[7:01] Working at a summer camp and immersing myself in the faith
[8:49] Meeting Eric, my first husband
[11:02] Getting married after 11 weeks
[12:51] Regretting getting married so quick and breaking up with my ex
[14:46] Eric wanted me to quit coaching and clean the house
[15:47] Going on a trip to Israel where Eric tagged along
[17:47] Starting a youth group and working at the summer camp
[20:01] I was Eric’s third wife and younger than him
[21:54] I stopped talking to my friends from Concord
[24:07] I repeat patterns again and again
[27:12] Becoming a really good coach
[29:29] I hate the term adulting and not feeling like one
[31:06] There are two sides to me
[32:17] Eric made me thrown out my love letters, but not his own
[33:11] I worry about boring people
Resources
- The Body Keeps the Score
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Going to my first AA meeting in the 90s was a positive step in recognizing I had an issue with alcohol. Throughout my life I’ve had an on and off relationship with alcohol that has been difficult to manage. As I recount my experiences from 30 years ago, I reflect on where I am today.
Key Takeaways:
[2:04] Thinking my time in Concord would be temporary
[5:00] Going to my first AA meeting
[7:53] Finding a new group of friends and a new job
[11:00] Being sober for 4 years, but drinking again on and off
[14:08] Feeling happy and trying hard to clean up my act
[19:01] The 12 steps of AA
[27:41] Getting involved in the baha'i faith again
[28:50] My social life changed because it wasn’t surrounded by alcohol
[30:51] Surrounding myself with new people, but not letting go of the old
[32:53] Why I’m an alcoholic and my childhood
[35:01] Alcohol was my saving vice after Molly died
[36:40] Not drinking during pregnancy
[37:50] Different treatments I’ve tried for my alcoholism
[47:24] Jack helps keep me sober
[50:20] Going to the hospital because of an extreme allergic reaction
[53:08] Alcohol is still a bad habit for me
[56:44] Wanting to make a change in my life
Resources:
- The Nest
- Alcoholics Anonymous The Big Book
- This Naked Mind
- The Alcohol Experiment
- A Return to Love
- A Course in Miracles
- The Body Keeps the Score
- Reframe App
- Atomic Habits
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
In the fall of 1989 I returned to Concord after almost 10 years in Boston. I needed a fresh start: to get sober, to get into a good relationship, to get out of debt, and to start my career as a teacher. In order to achieve all that, I turned down running for Nike and broke up with a boyfriend. It was a rocky first 2 years back in Concord, but I started to get involved in my community and worked on bettering my relationships.
Key Takeaways:
[6:32] The fall of 1989 and returning to Concord
[8:40] I turned down an opportunity to run for Nike for a boyfriend
[10:10] Having dedication, but lacking consistency because of partying and alcohol
[11:59] Moving back in with parents and drinking too much
[13:45] Teaching at a new school and starting off on the wrong foot
[15:14] Recognizing I needed to make a change in my life and go to AA
[16:25] I cut off people from my life in Boston
[18:55] Trying to get more involved in the community by doing a play and running
[21:24] 2nd year in Concord and losing my job
[23:42] My relationship with Chaz in the first 2 years
[26:40] Reconnecting with my parents and siblings
[28:41] Starting to coach at Concord High
[29:44] Never feeling secure in a relationship, rushing about, and goal setting
[31:14] Summer of 1990 and working at Walker school
[32:55] Please give feedback for the podcast
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Crying is an emotional release that has so many mixed feelings surrounding it. Growing up, I was admonished for crying and that hasn’t changed in adulthood. As a woman I’m often seen as too emotional for crying and I make people uncomfortable. When I look back on my life, it’s so interesting to see who wasn’t afraid to cry and who was. In this episode, I explore the cultural, gender, and generational impact on crying.
Key Takeaways:
[3:47] Being told it wasn’t okay to cry as a child
[6:23] Society telling boys not to cry and thinking girls are lesser for doing so
[8:03] Crying should be normalized
[10:12] My college boyfriends weren’t afraid to cry
[13:46] Crying a ton after Molly died and making people uncomfortable
[15:23] Being admonished for crying
[18:50] Learning I needed to not cry while my daughter does
[22:23] Young girls being ridiculed for crying and being uncomfortable about it
[27:53] Miriam Bialik and Nora Mcinerny’s discussion on grief
[29:14] Glennon Doyle and Elizabeth Gilbert’s talk about terminal cancer
[31:03] Karen Kenney’s episode on crying
[33:35] Kenny being okay to cry, but generational differences separate us
[34:43] Being given permission to cry
[36:21] Thinking back to how different people in my life viewed crying
[38:07] Panicking about how time goes by so quickly
[39:42] I cry a lot about what I’ve lost
[41:29] The many emotions around crying and what I’ve stopped crying about
[42:55] My kids being different around crying
[44:02] $13,000 in scholarships for kids
[46:36] World events are causing so many tears: guns, abortion, and war
[49:18] Everyone is so different with crying
[50:45] My journey of crying, expressing my emotions, and dissociating
[53:16] How much do you cry?
Resources from this episode:
- Death Be Not Proud movie
- On Golden Pond movie
- The Woman in Gold movie
- Libby’s podcast on The Power of Crying
- Skylar’s podcast Get Ready to Crumbl
- Miriam Bialik and Nora Mcinerny’s discussion on grief
- Glennon Doyle and Elizabeth Gilbert talk on cancer
- Karen Kenney’s episode on crying
- My TV commercial
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
As I find out more about the energy within my body I am compelled to better myself through my diet and exercise. While I look inward, I also look at the past to see how the people around me have grown and changed. Processing these emotions has been difficult, but I’m learning to let my energy guide me along the way.
Key Takeaways:
[1:28] Adjusting to having siblings so far apart in age
[5:09] My neighborhood has grown up and living the life I want
[7:31] Gracie’s reality and growing up
[9:21] Being an older mother and finding peace with my body
[12:11] My diet and what I feed Jack
[13:32] Giving up alcohol
[14:01] Kenny and I making exercise a part of our daily routine
[15:56] Reading self improvement books and worship
[17:35] Attending a wedding and watching friends grow up
[19:34] Fasting for 40 days to gain fortitude
[20:48] Setting goals and trying not to fall back on old habits
[22:02] Getting my imbalanced chakras read
[23:41] Learning to slow down
[25:19] Growing separately as people and processing my anger
[27:01] Finding the right energy to guide me through life
[29:08] Thank you to everyone that helped me this season
Resources from this episode:
- The Body Keeps the Score
- Karen Kenney
- Lisa Summerville
- NES Health
- NaviHealth
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Helicopter parenting has become a buzzword that everybody is talking about and I am one of them. Sort of. I let my baby go to daycare when I never let my older children out of sight with someone I didn’t know, but as the world has changed so have I. In this episode, I explore how to be a good role model for my children while still sticking to my values as a parent.
Key Takeaways:
[2:37] Walkability and independence in my town
[7:23] Allowing everyone in my family their own space
[8:13] Breastfeeding my kids is important to me
[11:00] I don’t give my kids chores
[13:01] I’m afraid something will happen to Jack
[14:54] Teaching my kids to advocate for themselves in medical situations
[16:41] The shortage of baby formula
[18:11] What I'm changing about Jack’s diet
[20:58] Teaching my kids the risk of social media
[22:43] Allowing Jack to go to daycare
[23:45] I never let Gracie or Molly go to daycare and my scheduling changing
[25:05] The political realm is shifting from 20 years ago
[26:24] It’s dangerous to go biking in America
[28:02] Being a woman in a man’s world
[29:22] I’m not a goal setter anymore
[32:34] Not having a perfect life and trying to be a healthy role model
[36:08] Writing in a journal and trying to set goals again
Resources from this episode:
- In My Humble Opinion Journal
- The Desire Map
- The Body Keeps the Score
- How Successful People Think
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
When I was younger, I didn’t imagine my life going like this. Losing Molly, having Jack, letting go of expectations, and having to find closure has had its struggles. As I ponder on how my life is different from what I expected, I also have gratitude for what got me through tough times: running and theater. Key Takeaways:
[3:05] My love of the running community and timing races
[4:50] Gracie withdrawing from the musical the year Molly died
[8:21] Theater surrounding a dark time in my life
[10:07] RB Productions chooses such emotional, raw shows
[13:56] How I relate to theater and find connects in my life
[17:41] Theater is a big deal in my community and supporting the arts
[21:58] Trying not to recreate Gracie and Molly’s life for Jack
[24:11] Wanting to find piece of mind in my life and loss
[26:27] Trying to find closure and letting go of expectations
[27:27] My life is so different from what I imagined
[28:15] I can’t create an Americana life with Jack
[29:14] How I decided to have Jack and what I would have done if I didn’t
[30:57] Thinking about Jack’s purpose
[31:55] Jack helped save me from the dark parts of myself
[33:41] Forcing religion on your kids
[38:05] My life will never go back to “normal”
[41:08] Creating a very busy schedule
[42:42] What I’m looking forward to next
Resources from this episode:
- RB Productions
- The Body Keeps the Score
- Capitol Center for the Arts
- Concord Dance Academy
- Glennon Doyle
- Brene Brown
- Marianne Williamson
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The Molly B Foundation
Roe vs. Wade and Molly’s death week happening at the same time sent me into an anxious fury this week. The politics happening in America made me ponder the values I’m instilling in Jack and how that will impact him. In this episode, I dive into what values are important to me, how they differ from when I brought Gracie and Molly into the world, and the hopes I have for Jack’s future.
Key Takeaways:
[1:19] Feeling angry and anxious at the world
[2:07] Molly had 3 deaths
[3:58] Feeling unsupported in raising Jack
[6:17] As a woman I’m told to hide my feelings
[9:20] Shoutout to my friend Lisa for being consistent with CrossFit
[10:41] I appreciate my high school friends
[11:50] Mother’s Day is a memorial day for moms who lost their kids
[13:39] Bob Turner’s podcast about ordinary people doing extraordinary things
[16:14] Jack growing up in a country with political strife
[18:25] A powerful nation denying women healthcare they deserve
[20:49] Losing my baby at 25 weeks
[23:51] Kids go to my CrossFit and are able to see that women can be strong
[26:28] Gracie and Molly were apart of the Baha'i faith and raising Jack with religion
[29:23] Where my family stands politically and how that impacts Jack
[30:33] How LGBTQ+ rights have changed since I’ve had Gracie
[33:27] How America has changed from 20 years ago
[34:33] How Kenny my ex-husband and I were raised differently
[36:15] Struggling with politics and Molly’s death, but pushing through
Resources from this episode:
- Mother’s Day is a Memorial Day article
- Bob Turner’s podcast
- The MollyB Foundation fundraiser
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
My family and the support I have has changed significantly compared to 20 years ago. It’s caused me to examine my choices, take ownership for them, and acknowledge my trauma. In this episode, I look to the past and the future to see how trauma has and continues to impact my parenting.
Key Takeaways:
[1:20] Feeling triggered by doctors and struggling without pain meds
[6:48] Almost backing out of going to Amsterdam 6 years ago
[8:53] Molly throwing up and not going to the doctors with her
[9:48] Deciding to go to Amsterdam and my kids being upset with me
[12:04] My family unit has changed significantly
[14:27] My mother not being full time child care anymore and sending Jack to childcare
[18:53] Teaching Jack to be more inclusive than I was with Gracie and Molly
[21:08] It’s not my daughter’s responsibility to care for my child
[23:10] Finding a variety of people to be my village
[24:38] Not being able to sit still and having panic based thinking
[26:28] Recognizing I have to step back and acknowledge my trauma
[28:21] Learning to ask for help and being honest with Jack
[29:33] Taking ownership for the choices I’ve made
[31:56] Learning to slow down and enjoy the moment
[33:43] Please donate to the MollyB Foundation
[35:49] Moving forward in life
Resources from this episode:
- RB Productions
- The MollyB Foundation fundraiser
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The internet is a beautiful tool that has helped me find the answers to any questions I have, but it has also dampened executive functioning in kids. Not only is the internet a double-edged sword, but the tools parents use today are too. From the intense video monitoring to the technologically advanced bassinet things have changed for better or for worse. As I navigate all these changes, I think about the world I’ve brought my children into.
Key Takeaways:
[1:24] Love hate relationship with the Boston Marathon
[2:53] Recreating things in the hopes that they’ll be different
[4:49] The easy access to the internet now
[6:11] The beauty of the internet
[7:44] Kids not thinking through the process of finding an answer anymore
[9:21] Executive functioning and going through steps is difficult
[10:31] Preoccupying your baby and not staying present
[11:51] Baby monitors and jumping to a baby’s cry
[14:16] Social media allows me to find support groups
[15:16] Being well-known in my community, the issues, and being addicted to phones
[17:31] Technology has allowed parenting to be more streamlined
[18:32] Contemplating the world I brought my kids into with 9/11 and COVID
[21:52] Jack going to childcare for his social development
[23:23] I’m much more active than 20 years ago
[24:34] Jack’s world is bigger and smaller at the same time
[25:40] How the concept of gender identity, race, and class has changed on TV
[28:40] Wanting Jack to grow up open-minded and to make his own choices
[29:47] Navigating my emotions around Jack
Resources from this episode:
- Peanut
- Literati Book Club
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
As I’ve grown older as a parent, I’ve also gained so much perspective on life. There are so many differences between raising Jack versus Gracie and Molly from childcare arrangements, breastfeeding, and the relationships around me changing. In this episode, I delve into how this perspective has helped shape my parenting journey with Jack.
Key Takeaways:
[2:46] Life is not linear
[5:01] Gaining perspective as I grow older and holding onto things
[7:48] Things don’t stay the same just because I want them to
[9:24] Pain in my body from overuse as an athlete
[12:36] Struggling to sleep
[13:52] Breastfeeding hasn’t been as easy with my age
[16:54] Dealing with bladder issues and menopause
[18:18] Being in fantastic shape for my age
[19:22] Being older when pregnant and having an age gap within relationships
[22:59] Being an older mom with Gracie and Molly
[24:28] Gaining perspective as an older mom
[25:46] Sending Jack to childcare unlike Gracie and Molly
[27:17] Finding the balance of pushing your kids and being supportive
[28:24] Not having mom guilt and Jack spending more time with his dad
[29:25] Kenny taking more responsibility in raising Jack
[30:44] Not being married, but co-parenting Jack together
[32:33] Gaining more patience with having Jack
[34:50] Having a community around me to help raise Jack
[37:25] My platonic and romantic relationships have changed
[39:02] What I ignore for myself in parenting Jack and sitting with my thoughts
[42:25] Realizing where I’m meant to be
Resources from this episode:
- Homeless to Harvard
- Father of the Bride
- Something’s Gotta Give
- The Body Keeps the Score
- Carol Leonard podcast
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
My daily life with Jack is very different than with Gracie and Molly. When Gracie and Molly were young we were paying a mortgage and working full-time. Now I have more freedom to spend time with Jack and travel. In this episode, I dive into my day to day with Jack and how that has changed.
Key Takeaways:
[4:46] Not worrying so much as I did with Gracie and Molly
[6:46] Being older and planning more for Jack’s future
[9:42] Working full-time, coaching, and paying bills
[11:25] My mother helping to take care of Gracie and Molly
[12:18] Kenny struggling to adjust to our new normal
[16:21] Family not being around all the time or providing childcare
[20:03] Jack’s siblings and the age gap between them
[23:20] Jack going to childcare is a huge change
[25:26] Having more time and freedom to spend with Jack
[27:47] Breastfeeding Jack with the help of donated milk
[30:09] There’s no right or wrong way to parent
[31:46] My expectations for Jack
[32:57] Kenny going to doctor’s appointments is different
[34:28] Jack has traveled a lot more than Gracie and Molly ever did
[36:01] Starting a conversation about death and preparing to die
[38:50] Wanting to be honest with Jack about my experiences
Resources from this episode:
- Peanut
- Milk Bank
- Nora McInerny Ted Talk
- Nora McInerny podcast
- Jason Rosenthal Ted Talk
- Peter Saul Ted Talk
-
Isabel Merrin Ted Talk
-
Ok Yup podcast by Libby
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
Molly’s birthday will always be a tough time for me and although I can remember the good times, it doesn’t take away the bad. This episode made me ponder Jack growing up in a grief stricken home, the age difference between his siblings, and how things have changed. In this episode, I truly think about Jack’s future and the differences in raising him compared to my other children.
Key Takeaways:
[3:01] Giving birth to Molly
[8:45] Grieving on Molly’s birthday
[10:09] Thinking about how Jack will be affected in a grief stricken home
[14:42] Feeling grateful for Kenny as a dad, but also frustrated
[18:12] The age difference between Jack and his siblings weighing on me
[26:36] Keeping things the same and changing things for Jack’s upbringing
[28:56] Being isolated and my social group
[30:03] How grief will change my parenting, holding onto things, and rushing around
[36:27] How we celebrated Molly’s birthday
[38:40] What’s next for me and ideas for the MollyB Foundation
[43:37] Thank you for the support
Resources from this episode:
- The Body Keeps the Score
- The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
- MollyB Foundation on Facebook
- Ok Yup podcast by Libby
- Karen Kenney
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
As I look to the next chapter of my healing, I am working on confronting my trauma and coping from it. Being self aware and mindful of my relationships with others has been a struggle, but learning how to utilize gratitude and create room for trauma has allowed me to work on healing.
Key Takeaways:
[3:27] Looking at my life right now and how I’m healing
[6:58] Having the same experience, but different reactions
[10:47] Confronting my trauma and coping from it
[15:39] Looking at what triggers me
[17:41] Struggling with executive functioning due to trauma
[20:10] Being self aware and having mindfulness is difficult for me
[23:08] Recognizing my feelings and putting a label to them
[24:31] Nor having a place to practice mindfulness and my phone distracting me
[29:25] Molly loved theater and how her foundation will help others in the same way
[32:28] Traumatic relationships on top of financial stressors
[34:47] How relationships in my life have changed since Molly’s death
[37:44] How shame plays a role in relationships
[40:25] Trying to find balance in my life
[41:59] How physical movement can help one heal from trauma
[47:07] Physical touch is tough for me
[48:44] How touch helps, but is a double-edged sword
[54:38] Jumping in and saving others, but not myself
[56:04] Gratitude allows you to use your stress hormones appropriately
[58:31] Being in flight, fright, or freeze
[1:02:17] Bring able to help others with this podcast
[1:04:55] Creating room for traumatic memories because they don’t leave you
[1:06:00] Recovery is a lifelong journey
[1:09:41] Wanting my children to have a large support system
[1:10:36] Thank you for the support
[1:13:38] What’s next for me
Resources from this episode:
- The Body Keeps the Score
- The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
- Trauma conference
- Stepmom
- RB Productions
- Karen Kenney
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
When I read that grief has been classified as Prolonged Grief Disorder, I had mixed feelings. I’m happy to see that more people can have access to treatment, but why does everything need a label? Grief will forever be a part of my life, it’s not a linear timeline, and what is “normal” grief anyway? In this episode, I'll ponder if grief should be a disorder in the first place, or if doctors have it all wrong.
Key Takeaways:
[3:28] Being criticized for getting over grief “slowly” and being told to stop being sad
[5:25] Holding myself to a standard that’s too high and what triggers me
[7:07] A parallel existence, the grief besides the joy
[8:21] You don’t move on from being a parent
[11:07] Grief being classified as Prolonged Grief Disorder and how it’s insulting
[15:23] Grief can’t be classified in a neat little timeline
[18:07] How a child is categorized as special needs in different states
[20:02] Why do we have to label everything?
[22:24] How grief being classified as a disorder means people can get help they need
[24:53] There is no “normal” grief and it’s a lifelong problem
[28:17] Grief is a long, long process and where I’m at in the process
[31:45] Being told to move on and peoples expectations
[33:21] It took me 2 and a half years for Molly’s death to sink in
[35:36] Doctor’s thoughts on how to treat grief as a disorder
[37:39] What’s next for me and should grief be labeled as a disorder?
Resources from this episode:
- The Body Keeps the Score
- The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
- Mitchell’s Journey
- Prolonged Grief Disorder by the NYT
- Prolonged Grief Disorder by the Washington Post
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
Trauma has impacted my relationships with others throughout my entire life. From getting fired from multiple jobs to creating relationships with abusive people it has shook me to my core. After Molly’s death, it became even more difficult with the expectations of those around me. Through it all, I think about how I changed after losing Molly and how I keep getting stuck in unhealthy relationships.
Key Takeaways:
[2:22] Getting fired from multiple jobs and struggling with my bosses
[7:11] Struggling to focus, feeling unsafe, and not maintaining relationships
[10:17] Getting stuck in relationships and finding boundaries a challenge
[13:58] Living a parallel life and finding abusive partners
[18:05] My friends have all gone through trauma
[20:06] My need to control the relationships in my life
[21:56] A lifelong struggle with executive functioning
[23:02] Hyper arousal causing an inability to prioritize
[24:43] Physical movement and trying to feel something
[27:41] Relationships change when you go through trauma
[29:52] My support system crumbled after Molly’s death
[33:12] Physical touch is difficult and co-parenting with my ex
[35:29] My family was so supportive after Molly’s death
[37:07] The reality of mortality and living in the moment
[38:47] Not being able to comfort all my loved ones in grief
[39:55] How grief affects marriage and often ends in divorce
[42:46] Being there for my daughter in grief and the “old Barb” being gone
[45:11] CrossFit games, foot surgery, and going to Disney
[49:14] Relationships with people who know the old vs. new Barb
Resources from this episode:
- The Body Keeps the Score
- The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
I often feel like I’m living a parallel life with the different faces I put on for different people. This week I especially felt that when I went to film a commercial for a hospital. I spent an amazing week in Utah telling my story about having Jack to a hospital that believed in me. Through it all, I talk about feeling like a chameleon in different groups.
Key Takeaways:
[1:04] Living a double life
[2:42] Montefiore hospital supporting me having a baby at 57
[6:39] Filming a commercial
[8:20] Being a chameleon in life
[10:02] The beautiful nature of Utah
[12:47] The crew helping to film the commercial
[16:31] Dissociation as a result of abuse
[20:14] Putting on different faces for different people
Resources from this episode:
- The Body Keeps the Score
- The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
- Barb’s Interview with Montefiore Hospital
- Denny Gordan
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
The burden of hiding my grief to not make others uncomfortable is large. It is lonely in my grief with everyone wanting the “old Barb” back, but that won't happen. My grief has changed me and that causes people to drift away. In this episode, I explore the social aspects of grief and the toll it’s taken on me.
Key Takeaways:
[2:17] Isolation in grief and carrying the burden
[3:20] Message from a woman who lost her children
[4:52] Looking for social connections that don’t judge
[7:03] Another message from someone struggling with grief and PTSD
[8:20] The foundation: Friends of Aine and children struggling with grief
[9:35] Trauma from childhood abuse
[12:14] Trauma from losing my baby at 25 weeks
[13:47] Trauma from my job loss
[15:14] The impact from losing Molly
[16:26] People moving on and wanting the “old me” back
[20:05] The different way people grieve
[24:47] People drifting away in grief and the spiritual aspect
[27:03] Being defined by the area you live in
[29:13] Having lots of friends, but being isolated
[32:11] People don’t like me making them uncomfortable with my grief
[36:13] Self sabotage, struggling to stick to a schedule, and filling my time
[40:43] How the responsibilities of grief drag me down
[42:43] Year one after Molly died being the worst and year two the fog lifted
[43:48] Year three settling the lawsuit and validating feelings
[45:30] “Normal” will never be the same
[47:12] How grief is intertwined in my life
[50:18] I want to normalize the social reality of loss and death
Resources from this episode:
- The Body Keeps the Score
- The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
- Friends of Aine
- Camp Erin
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
I really made a breakthrough with understanding my self sabotaging behavior and healing the trauma versus the situation. In this episode, I dive into why I sabotage myself when organizing my life, how culture affects how trauma is seen, and the difference between happy and traumatic memories.
Key Takeaways:
[0:55] Struggling with scheduling my life
[3:27] Reacting trauma
[5:41] Seeing coincidences everywhere
[7:51] Being outspoken about my trauma and being told to be quiet
[11:24] Happy versus traumatic memories: my children’s birth
[13:31] Happy versus traumatic memories: Molly’s belongings
[23:08] Letting go of physical objects
[24:53] Healing the trauma versus the situation
[28:53] Keep ending up in the same situations and self sabotage
[33:25] Perspective alters memory and culture effects trauma
[36:15] Trying to make big changes in my life
Resources from this episode:
- The Body Keeps the Score
- The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
- The Blind Side
- Barb on Hearst TV
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
Hindsight is a funny thing. Looking back on Facebook memories with Roy, my daughter’s health leading up to her death, and all the other choices made leave me in a tailspin. In this episode, I look into the trauma I’ve experienced and how I reenacted it with the choices I made.
Key Takeaways:
[1:12] Trauma never goes away and retracing my steps
[3:43] Looking back on Facebook memories with Roy
[5:46] My kids getting upset and looking back on the choices I made
[9:37] Reenacting trauma that I’ve experienced
[12:58] Penny pinching and choosing between a Disney trip and dance classes
[15:42] Kenny being an amazing father and not wanting to cause disruption
[17:34] Taking Molly to the doctor's, but wondering: did I do enough?
[20:13] Taking the power from traumatic memories
[21:35] Dealing with trauma after trauma, while my kids didn’t want the family apart
[23:11] Doing a movie with White Plains Hospital
[24:40] Recognizing the fantastic things I’ve done among the struggle
[26:27] The process of letting things go
[28:50] Thank you to Taylor for my shirt
Resources from this episode:
- The Body Keeps the Score
- The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
- The Sixth Sense
- The Nest Support Group
- Montefiore with Barb’s story
- The Nest shop
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
I never expected to start running track and field in high school with severe asthma. When I began running, I discovered I was great at it and went on to break records. Through the ups and downs, running helped me to solidify my identity, feel confident within myself, and set goals. In this episode, I tell the story of breaking the mile in under 5 minutes which took me on a lifelong trajectory of achievement.
Key Takeaways:
[1:55] How my ex-husband and I dealt with the separation
[4:04] Wanting my children to have a sibling
[8:09] Officiating track races and timing road races
[11:35] Dealing with bad asthma and not doing PE
[15:45] Signing up for track and field
[18:34] Making a breakthrough with running
[22:37] Advancing in my running career and shaping my identity
[24:35] Loving my body while running and feeling confident
[26:55] Running becoming my main identity and finding my people
[30:15] Continuing to break records
[32:59] Struggling to keep it together mentally
[33:58] Having a setback with pneumonia
[34:58] After 2 years of work, breaking the mile in under 5 minutes
[39:21] Running made me feel supported, confident, and let me work towards my goals
[41:44] Running made me see my body as strong
[43:19] Keeping my head above water and anxiety at bay
[46:01] Learning to take a chance on something that seems unlikely
[48:35] I did an interview with Sean Wright
Resources from this episode:
- The Body Keeps the Score
- The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
- The World According to Garp
- Sean Waight
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
CrossFit has helped me physically and mentally through my job loss and Molly’s death. Times were tough: being on food stamps, my house almost being put up for auction, and getting divorced all rolled into one. Through it all I had exercise which allowed me to step out of my body and keep busy.
Key Takeaways:
[2:13] Traumatic events send me spiraling
[8:06] Running for school board
[11:35] Working small jobs and discovering CrossFit
[15:31] Loving CrossFit and how it helped me mentally
[19:46] Keeping myself busy to maintain that everything was okay
[21:16] Pulling in consistent wages, but my husband’s business was failing
[23:12] Getting divorced and my house almost being auctioned off
[26:03] Going to therapy and participating in a CrossFit fundraiser
[30:03] Always competing in sports and in life
[31:19] Struggling to compete after Molly died
[34:14] Stepping out of my body while doing CrossFit
[39:09] Using hiking and skiing as a type of therapy
[44:18] My desire to keep everything okay
Resources from this episode:
- The Body Keeps the Score
- The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
- Homeless to Harvard
- Barbells for Boobs
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
My job loss took a major hit to my confidence and it caused me to struggle to support my family through tough times. I struggled to stay present and practice mindfulness during these difficult times. In this episode, I explore what brought me to my job loss and my struggles with staying present within myself. Key Takeaways:
[1:58] Neurological connection between mother and child
[5:19] Becoming self aware as a person
[7:07] How the Blind Side affected me
[10:35] Disassociating with my job loss
[12:35] Different responses to traumatic events: fight, flight, or freeze
[17:03] My struggle to stay present and be mindful
[24:53] 2011: spending more time with Gracie and Molly and meeting Robin
[27:22] My crumbling marriage and working at VLACS
[29:41] Trying to support my family and falling in love with CrossFit
[32:02] Feeling better in 2012 with my body and mind
[34:34] Learning more about trauma, working out, and reflection
Resources from this episode:
- The Body Keeps the Score
- The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
- The Blind Side
- Glennon Doyle Podcast
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
I have been reading so many wonderful books to learn more abuse, relationships, and illness within the body. These books have allowed me to examine my own actions and shame that comes with being abused. In this episode, I explore my actions that lead to this point, give an update on my life, and look at what’s ahead for this season.
Key Takeaways:
[3:00] What’s next for season 3
[8:32] The book Power about surviving narcissistic abuse
[10:27] The book The Body Keeps the Score
[11:04] The book Taking the Work Out of Networking
[11:58] Dealing with alcoholism and illness
[15:10] The shame that comes with abuse
[18:54] Chronic illness in women
[23:37] Updates on my life: surgery and my kids
Resources from this episode:
- Power
- Taking the Work Out of Networking
- The Body Keeps the Score
- The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
- Podcast Episode “Lets Get Better”
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
Throughout my research on grief and trauma I have learned so much about the connection between the mind and body and how grief affects them, while discussing my own experiences of EMDR therapy and having my brain tumors taken out. In this episode, I explore how grief affected me before and after Molly died.
Key Takeaways:
[3:22] A review of the episodes of season 2
[9:09] How grief affected my body leading up to Molly’s death
[13:28] Trauma induced menopause, gaining weight, and feeling the affects of aging
[15:43] How exercise helped me through trauma
[19:33] My experience with EMDR therapy
[21:46] How exercise helps people to have tough conversations
[23:36] Having my brain tumors taken out and the dizzying affects
[26:22] Stress impacting my body with trigeminal neuralgia
[28:44] Grief is not a linear process and struggling with Molly’s grave
[31:07] The next steps for the podcast and focusing on what makes me feel good in life
Resources from this episode:
- The Body Keeps the Score
- The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
- EMDR Therapy
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
Although I have gone through tremendous grief, I have a large support system to help me through it. From online support groups to connecting with other mothers in grief and reconnecting with high school friends, my social network has cast far and wide. Sharing these deep conversations with others has helped me create meaningful connections and process my grief.
Key Takeaways:
[2:01] The guilt in child loss and people's responses
[3:51] My mindset with abusive and traumatic thinking
[5:41] Finding kindness in grief and the loneliness of it
[8:36] Finding support in online support groups
[16:18] Making a connect with Brandy
[18:15] Sharing grief with Jen Hunger
[19:31] Other people I’ve connected with through grief
[22:18] Bill Rogers and our conversations on grief
[26:45] How the CrossFit community helped me through a sense of community
[31:01] The effect that Molly had on RB Productions
[32:41] Getting support from school district folks and longtime friends
[38:43] Getting back in touch with friends from high school
[41:05] The difficult support of family in child loss
[41:53] Molly didn’t suffer death alone and acknowledging her death
[43:39] Through the good and the bad I have support
Resources from this episode:
- Karen Kenney
- Concord Dance Academy
- Ellie’s Way
- Compassionate Friends
- Child Loss - Our Children in the Stars
- Moyer Foundation
- Camp Erin
- Rachel Hunger
- Bill Rogers
- The Puritan Backroom
- Interview with Barb
- Interview with Barb and CrossFit
- RB Productions
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
As a result of trauma, boundaries have been a lifelong struggle for me. From my friendship with Robin, my friendship with Steph, and my job loss at Bow boundary crossing has followed me. I explore these 3 events in my life and how trauma has affected them. In this episode, not only do I share my journey with trauma, but also what I have begun to learn about my behavior.
Key Takeaways:
[1:15] My struggle with setting boundaries as a result of trauma
[8:58] My friendship with Robin
[15:21] Getting legal support from the wrong person
[17:59] How my friendship with Robin also impacted my kids
[21:11] Being hired to coach track and field in Bow
[25:11] Getting bigger track teams and visiting Molly’s grave with them
[26:52] Meeting and supporting a runner who lost a parent
[29:08] Butting heads with the administration and parents while feeling unsupported
[33:00] Getting a tattoo, showing it to my runners, and getting suspended
[39:19] Managing a charter school that failed
[41:30] Beginning to understand where my behavior comes from
[49:36] Understanding that just because I lost a child doesn’t mean people will be kinder
[51:47] What the future holds
Resources from this episode:
- Concord Monitor Article on being suspended
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
My daughters have been dancing in the Christmas Show even since they were little. When Molly died traditions in my household changed and I began to see things differently. From starting to raffle off a basket full of things Molly loved, to fundraising for an arts scholarship in her name. In this episode, I explore the Christmas Show and everything it represents, alongside my trauma and learning to step out of grief.
Key Takeaways:
[6:10] The tradition of the Christmas Show
[9:01] Raffling off the Molly B basket and Gracie reeling dance back
[12:01] Peyton winning the Molly B basket in 2017
[16:30] Rachel Hunger winning the Molly B basket in 2019
[18:17] The significance of Gracie playing Mother Ginger again
[20:13] Making the 2021 Molly B basket in honor of Diane Peterson
[23:37] Jack’s first Santa photos, the Molly B scholarship, and Molly’s friends graduating
[28:59] Gracie’s home at the dance academy and the friendships I’ve lost
[32:31] The effect of trauma bonds on relationships
[34:42] Stepping out of grief to change my viewpoint
[36:22] You can choose how to celebrate your holidays with grief
Resources from this episode:
- Concord Dance Academy
- RB Productions
- Rachel Hunger
- Diane Peterson
- Capital Center for the Arts
- The Nest spiritual mentoring group
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
Hanging on to the physical things our loved ones leave behind in grief is an odd subject. For a long time I couldn’t get rid of, or move anything of Molly’s. When I finally started to get rid of or donate items, it was a difficult journey. In this episode, I explore the power of items, the impact they have on us as people, and learning to let go.
Key Takeaways:
[3:41] The importance of things
[8:15] Keeping things and not moving them after Molly died
[11:38] Starting the process of going through things
[14:11] The finality that Molly’s never coming back and starting to clean
[22:18] Changing Gracie’s room to be her own and talking to others in grief
[32:40] Letting go without forgetting and giving away items
[36:10] Some things remaining unchanged
[38:45] Attaching meaning to items
[40:40] Dance costumes that Molly wore
[42:02] How to help determine if you should keep something
Resources from this episode:
- A Course in Miracles
- The Orange Cup
- Karen Kenney
- Lawsuit
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
Molly loved the holidays, and learning to live without her for them has been crushing. Over the past 5 years I’ve tried to distract myself and my family by going to Disney for Christmas, or helping others. The feeling of losing holidays as they used to be, while finding new ways to celebrate has been a tumultuous journey. Throughout it all, I’ve learned how important it is to just sit with others who are grieving during the holidays.
Key Takeaways:
[3:30] Molly’s love of holidays
[4:41] The first year and not celebrating holidays
[10:16] Gracie entering junior year and my chaotic life
[13:45] Year two and going to Florida
[16:31] Trying to clean up my life
[18:23] Going out to eat on Thanksgiving and Florida again in year three
[20:52] Brain surgery, Kenny’s kidney, and Disney
[22:27] Struggling with Mother’s Day
[24:04] COVID Thanksgiving and spending Christmas at home in 2020
[25:24] Gracie having an allergic reaction on Christmas Eve
[28:19] Jack going to the hospital
[29:25] Setting up a small Christmas tree
[30:56] Having a fun COVID Thanksgiving again
[33:07] Jack changing how we celebrate holidays
[34:10] People grieve in different ways during the holidays
[38:27] Losing how holidays used to be, but perhaps reinventing them
Resources from this episode:
- Camp Erin
- Lawsuit
- Rachel Hunger
- Alan’s Restaurant
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
In 2016, I felt paralyzed by grief. In between it all I found an attorney, helped my daughter through her grief, and talked to others in my grief groups. When 2017 rolled around, I started working again while juggling a million things on my plate. It was a difficult time, but the one thing I learned is that when people are grieving, just being a shoulder to lean on is one of the best things you can do.
Key Takeaways:
[1:31] Feeling panic stricken, being away from home, and trying to balance everything
[5:07] Not working, drinking, and feeling paralyzed
[8:58] Gracie processing grief and losing people in my life
[12:15] Getting Molly’s medical records and picking an attorney
[16:41] Receiving closure with my kids pediatrician
[18:18] Losing Roy and trying to juggle everything in life
[23:21] Working full-time again and keeping busy
[26:07] Finding a therapist and going through the motions as summer marched on
[28:20] Grief never leaves, but using social media to help
[33:05] Gracie going to school again and not wanting to be alone
[35:15] Getting through the holidays
[38:53] Trauma numbed me while going into 2017
[40:59] Looking back on the difficulties of 2017 and stepping back into my life
[43:52] How to help people that are grieving
Resources from this episode:
- Concord Dance Academy
- Article on the Molly B Musical
- Ellie’s Way
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
Planning Molly’s funeral and memorial was a difficult task while I kept my head above water. It was a whirlwind of 2 quick weeks where I made tough emotional decisions on what her funeral and musical would be like. Through it all, I had amazing community support through fundraising and over a thousand people showing up to her memorial.
Key Takeaways:
[4:39] Coming home from the hospital and coordinating with the funeral home
[10:05] My first Mother’s Day without Molly
[15:33] Planning Molly’s funeral
[21:04] Having the graveside service
[24:52] Getting together with family and my neighborhood
[27:02] Planning Molly B the Musical
[32:53] The community support surrounding the show
[36:37] The huge turnout to the show and media coverage
[41:23] The show ending and the finality of Molly’s death hitting me
[43:48] The media coverage and scholarship fund
[46:02] Getting through Molly’s death and her Christmas tree
[49:50] The support I have received from others
Resources from this episode:
- Concord Dance Academy
- Capitol Center for the Arts
- Article on the Molly B Musical
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
In this episode, I look back on the few months leading up to Molly’s death and in particular, her last week alive. The few months leading up to Molly’s death were frustrating, and I worried as her condition worsened. Come along with me as I look back on all the little steps that brought me here, and the amazing community support I had along the way.
Key Takeaways:
[2:50] Molly’s first doctor appointment on February 28th
[6:03] Sleeping in and vomiting during March and the beginning of April
[8:24] Molly being written off at the doctor’s for the second time
[10:40] Deciding to go to Amsterdam with Roy and my kids not wanting me to leave
[15:35] Molly going to the doctor again while I was in Amsterdam at the end of April
[16:28] Coming home and Molly going to the ER
[18:58] Molly getting weaker and the hospital not doing a CAT scan
[22:02] Molly stops breathing and being resuscitated
[23:44] Finding out Molly has a brain tumor and being transferred to a different hospital
[28:30] The people that came to visit us in the hospital on Monday and Tuesday
[30:24] Surgery to take the tumor out was a success and waiting for her to wake up
[33:44] Finding out Molly is brain dead and will never wake up
[38:27] Having to explain to my daughters dance group about Molly
[42:31] Inviting a wave of visitors on Thursday and Friday
[50:13] Molly making the news and laying in her bed on the last night
[51:57] Taking Molly off of life support on May 7th
Resources from this episode:
- Lawsuit
- David's House
- Concord Dance Academy
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
My daughters Gracie and Molly have an inseparable bond. As they’ve grown up throughout the years, they’ve had great times with dance and theatre, as well as struggles with friends and school. At the same time, I had my own struggles with my marriage and job loss. In this episode, I look back on my daughters growing up, and the crushing tragedy that was Molly’s last week.
Key Takeaways:
[3:11] Gracie’s arrival and my life when she was young
[6:15] Deciding to have Molly and her birth
[10:49] Learning to balance giving attention to my daughters
[12:46] Gracie and Molly’s inseparable bond
[15:33] My daughters love of dancing and starting school
[17:58] Taking a year long sabbatical teaching health
[19:37] Getting suspended from my job and struggling to find motivation
[21:09] Fighting in my marriage
[23:53] Molly helping others in school
[27:07] Molly and Gracie’s struggles in school and friends
[29:31] Gracie and Molly doing theatre
[32:30] The struggles in my marriage
[36:23] Trying to think back to where it all went wrong
[38:11] The last week of Molly’s life
[42:19] Trying to cope with Molly’s death as a family
[45:55] The tragedy, having to live with it, and kind gestures
Resources from this episode:
- Concord Dance Academy
- My job suspension
- RB Productions
- Molly’s obituary
- Otto Frank’s Quote
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
Long before I lost Molly, I lost my first baby, Gordy from a heart defect and his loss followed me. I didn’t plan on having kids, but Gordy was the first in a chain reaction of interesting events, and through time has shown me each of my children have played an important role in my life. In this episode, I discuss the trauma of losing my first child and how that affected my outlook when I had my other children.
Key Takeaways:
[3:58] Going off the pill and finding out I’m pregnant
[10:50] Finding out my baby has a heart defect
[17:56] The crushing realization that my baby wasn’t going to live
[20:26] The nerves from giving birth to Gordy
[22:58] The aftermath of losing my baby and donating his body
[28:11] Having my second child, Gracie and getting married
[34:58] The importance of each of my children and the pain of child loss
[36:44] Thank you to the people who helped me
Resources from this episode:
- Ellie's way grief group
- Ellie’s Way
Connect with Barb:
Website
YouTube
November 9, 2021
Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps
Episode #: 10
The Loss of my First Child
The trauma, grief, and guilt that comes with child loss is immense. My day to day life changed after my daughter Molly died, but with the help of online grief groups I've been able to work on my trauma. Not only has my life changed, but my daughter's life was turned upside down and it has been an uphill battle to return to “normal” life.
Key Takeaways:
[6:14] The bond between my daughters
[13:56] Changes in my family and the traditions we hold
[15:45] Children dying before their parents
[18:41] What life was like after Molly died
[25:49] Experience of fathers after child loss
[27:30] The effects of Gracie losing her sister Molly
[29:00] Power of online grief groups
[30:18] Guilt that comes with losing a child
[33:03] The future of the podcast
[35:10] The importance of small acts of kindness
Resources from this episode:
- Camp Erin
- Moyer Foundation
- Ellie's way grief group
- Ellie’s Way
- Ivory Ella hat
Connect with Barb:
YouTube
November 2, 2021
Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps
Episode #: 9
Grief and Guilt After Death
When Jack was born it made me think of his future, the support system he has, and how I have to be mindful of my trauma when parenting. Child loss and grief have impacted how I parent and made me express my gratitude for others in my life on a daily basis. In this episode, I explore my awareness of these tumultuous emotions and trying to create healthy relationships through grief.
Key Takeaways:
[3:48] Gratitude for the people in my life
[7:40] The bond my children have together
[11:23] Life in my house and reframing how I think about Molly
[15:40] The support from social media and the CrossFit community
[21:05] Thinking of Jack’s future, my age, and the support system he has
[26:01] Going through IVF and people’s personal questions
[28:57] The community surrounding IVF and the diversity
[32:08] The impact of grief and child loss
[35:13] Raising my children through grief
[37:55] Being mindful of my trauma
[41:47] Not being limited by societal expectations
Resources from this episode:
- Dr.Cardone
- Human Milk 4 Human Babies New Hampshire
Connect with Barb:
YouTube
October 26, 2021
Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps
Episode #: 8
Episode Title: Child Loss and Parenting Through Grief
Times have changed from when I had my first child to now. My parenting style, social media use, and the changing culture about what makes a family has had profound effects on me. Stemming from the generational gaps in my household and the trauma I’ve endured, life is different. But underneath it all, I’ve seen the similarities between people, especially parents and not what makes us different, but what unites us. Key Takeaways:
[2:20] The concept of family and where Jack belongs
[5:47] Generational gap in our family
[11:08] How I've changed as a mother
[13:24] The trauma that I’ve passed onto my children and the effects of abuse
[19:02] My morning routine and Jack going to daycare
[22:51] Gracie’s role in Jack’s life
[25:06] Changing the narrative for women having children
[26:44] The effect of social media on my life
[31:01] The differences in parenting
[33:03] The effect of having older parents
[36:25] Changing culture around different families
[39:23] Everyone’s journey is different
Connect with Barb:
YouTube
October 19, 2021
Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps
Episode #: 7
Episode Title: The Generational Gap and Changing Culture
When I had Jack, my phone would not stop ringing. From Good Morning America to The Today Show my story has been shared to thousands of people. I have had so many positive responses, but along with the positive came the stress and consequences of having my life publicized. This week, I’ll go into the response of the media and my struggles with breastfeeding Jack, and the support I gained from other women. Key Takeaways:
[1:02] Creating community and spending time with friends
[5:12] My phone ringing off the hook
[6:34] Struggle of being in the spotlight for my family
[8:31] Connecting with others through the media
[10:49] The dark side of my life being publicized
[13:32] The trauma of losing a child
[15:09] Taking things day by day and making goals
[16:48] The superficial side of social media
[18:42] Breastfeeding Jack, the struggles, and the support from women
[26:18] Life with Jack now and finding happiness
Resources from this episode:
- Center for the Arts
- RB Productions
- Margaret Porter
- Virginia Macgregor
- Barb on The Today Show
- Barb on Good Morning America
- Barb on NBC
- Barb on Daily Mail
- Human Milk 4 Human Babies New Hampshire
Connect with Barb:
YouTube
October 12, 2021
Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps
Episode #: 6
Episode Title: The Media Frenzy
In this episode, I go more in depth about my emotional experience being pregnant and giving birth. From my friends and family’s reaction to me having a baby and dealing with the difficulties of breastfeeding it was a wild ride.
Key Takeaways:
[2:50] The first round of IVF failing
[5:45] Keeping my pregnancy under wraps
[7:26] People’s reaction to me having a baby at 57
[10:55] Going to the gym
[13:46] Discovering my preeclampsia diagnosis
[18:24] My experience giving birth
[25:10] Meeting Jack
[26:46] Experience with breastfeeding
[28:04] My hospital stay after giving birth
[30:55] Gracie meeting Jack
[32:57] Making time for myself
Resources from this episode:
- Dr.Cardone
- Dr.Chaudhari
- Tony Schinella’s Article on Barb
- Air-Rin Photography
Connect with Barb:
YouTube
October 5, 2021
Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps
Episode #: 5
Episode Title: My Emotional Labor
Being an older mother had its challenges from doing two IVF transfers to dealing with preeclampsia. In this episode, I discuss my IVF experience, keeping my pregnancy a secret for months, and the journey of Jack’s birth.
Key Takeaways:
[1:14] The importance of Jack’s birth and cleaning my house
[5:01] Preparing for IVF
[7:23] The first IVF transfer
[11:12] Plethora of tests and COVID putting a hold on IVF
[16:52] The second transfer
[18:44] Finding out I was pregnant
[20:58] Keeping my pregnancy a secret
[27:00] Telling Gracie I’m pregnant and navigating it as a family
[30:23] CrossFit accomplishments
[32:15] The connection made with my ultrasound technician
[36:37] The response I received to having a baby
[37:49] Christmas Eve and Gracie’s allergic reaction
[39:48] Thinking about the risks of pregnancy as an older mother
[42:28] Struggling to accept preeclampsia
[45:51] Going into labor
[48:02] Giving birth with no epidural
[51:32] Jack is born
[54:17] The importance of self-care
Resources from this episode:
-
Karen Kenney
-
Dr.Cardone
- Dr.Chaudhari
- Carol Leonard
- Rachel Hunger
Connect with Barb:
YouTube
September 28, 2021
Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps
Episode #: 4
Episode Title: My IVF Experience
Having a baby was far from my mind in this episode as we dive into my medical tragedies and of course, the wonderful support system I met along the way. From my brain tumors, to my jaw surgery, to Kenny receiving a kidney, and the joy that came from the tragedy of Rachel Hunger’s death.
Key Takeaways:
[1:36] Finding out I have brain tumors
[7:12] Neurological tests and scheduling surgery
[10:45] Christmas time and trying for normalcy
[12:07] Going into surgery
[15:19] The wonderful visitors that helped me along the way
[18:45] The aftermath of surgery
[20:56] Miraculous recovery and the connections I made
[23:31] Having surgery for my jaw
[25:09] Getting back to daily life
[26:45] Rachel Hunger on life support
[29:38] Kenny receives a kidney from Rachel
[30:35] Recovering from operations and finally getting to have a baby
Resources from this episode:
- Dr.Cardone
- Dr.Eskandar
- Barb’s brain tumor story
- Dr.Tanase
- White Plains Hospital
- Rachel Hunger
- Trigeminal neuralgia
Connect with Barb:
YouTube
September 21, 2021
Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps
Episode #: 3
Episode Title: Discovering my Brain Tumors
Having a baby at 57 was a long journey between having surgery, struggling with my medication, going through a lawsuit, and trying to keep my families heads above water. In this episode, I am going to dive into the process of having Jack, the people that helped make that happen, and the obstacles I met along the way.
Key Takeaways:
[1:06] Building a sense of community
[2:29] The pill and beginning my journey as a mother
[5:00] Losing my first baby
[8:49] Planning to have Gracie and Molly
[9:54] The unexpected turn of losing Molly
[12:45] Having dreams about a baby
[18:18] Going to a fertility clinic as an older mother
[21:22] A plethora of tests and the large cost of IVF
[22:55] Getting through a lawsuit
[23:55] Keeping my family together and processing emotions
[26:15] Going off my medication and struggling
[30:35] Having surgery for my jaw
[32:36] The profound people I met along the way
[34:54] Finding joy in my daily life
Resources from this episode:
- Dr. Chaudhari
- Dr. Cardone
- Lawsuit
- Trigeminal neuralgia
- Karen Kenney
Connect with Barb:
YouTube
September 14, 2021
Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps
Episode #: 2
Episode Title: The Beginnings of Jack
In this episode, I’m thrilled to take you through my life with all the ups and downs that have occurred. From working as a teacher, having a baby at 57, losing my daughter, and reconciling with grief my life is full of extraordinary events. Today I’m going to be sharing an overview of my struggles and the importance of leaning on others.
Key Takeaways:
[1:49] Childhood and university experience
[4:02] My journey as a teacher and forced resignation
[6:40] Starting Crossfit and marriage struggles
[9:51] Molly’s death and the ripple effect
[12:56] Having a baby at 57
[14:31] Tracing my steps backward
[19:29] What you can get out of this podcast
[24:05] Learning how to ask for help
[28:39] Getting through grief
[31:44] The connection between Jack and Molly
[36:27] The room I’m recording in, guilt, and finding your purpose
[40:05] 5 years of healing since Molly’s death
[41:24] The importance of bringing happiness to others and yourself
Resources from this episode:
- Who Not How
- Karen Kenney
- Glennon Doyle
- Virginia MacGregor
- Barb’s Patch Articles
- Barb in the Concord Monitor
- Toni Morrison
- Air-Rin Photography
- Cristina Cummings
- Rachel Hunger
- Jace Frazel Creative
Connect with Barb:
YouTube
September 7, 2021
Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps
Episode #: 1
Episode Title: My Life Story
This podcast is about the extraordinary events in my ordinary life. From having a baby at 57 to overcoming addiction and more. By diving into my discomfort, I’ve grown as a person. If you want to hear stories of great tragedy and joy, while tapping into your own discomfort, join me as we begin our journey of a thousand tiny steps. Connect with Barb:
YouTube