Life Matters Podcast: Recent Episodes

View Details

As a kid, there were certain days throughout each year that I looked forward to with bated breath: Halloween, the once-a-year airing of The Wizard of Oz, and the last day of school (before summer vacation).

Halloween offered a unique and exciting combination of scary + fun with a ton of candy thrown in. I loved candy corn. (Yes, I’m a fan.) And it was only sold for Trick or Treat season. Later, savvy marketers turned it into year-round profits by changing the colors to match other assorted holidays.

The Wizard of Oz movie was my childhood favorite, but it was only available on cable TV once a year. I’d nervously scan the TV Guide watching for the show date so I could plan accordingly. This involved an early bath followed by a tray of snacks ready to go well before the opening credits.

The last day of school was fantastic simply because it was followed by three months of freedom. And three months back then felt like forever.

But Christmas Eve was epic! It was off the chart in terms of pee-in-your-pants excitement. The anticipation of what would occur during this one night (practically unbelievable) and what awaited us in the morning was simply incredible!

Another reason for our giddy expectancy was that the holiday buzz began right after Halloween ended. I was still on a sugar high from all the sweet treats when I’d start pouring over the J.C. Penney Christmas catalog. Comparing and contrasting the toys I already knew I wanted with those I hadn’t seen before became a part-time job. Of course, there was a limit to what one could ask for. I kept crossing items off, changing my mind, changing it back, and rewriting new lists. This continued for weeks as the weather grew colder.

Adding to the anticipation was the first snow that usually appeared by mid-November. Most of the Christmases in those days were white, and I equated one with the other; the white stuff meant it was ‘just around the corner.’ I’m hard-pressed to remember a green one in those early years. The visible effects of climate change were still decades away.

Coming into the house after school, I smelled Pine-Sol, a sign that Mom’s annual holiday cleaning blitz had begun. In Sunday School, we began practicing the familiar caroling songs and Bible verses we’d recite for the Christmas program.

Dad gave us $20 to buy gifts for the family, and we took the obligatory trip to the mall. (There were no big box stores yet.) Within two hours, the shopping was complete because Dad believed in expediency on these excursions.

Then there was the baking of cookies. I loved the peanut blossoms and decorated sugar cookies! We assisted and always got to lick the bowl and spoon. It still amazes me that no one got sick doing this. (And how about those Easter eggs we left sitting out for a week sans refrigeration?)

Our two-story home was small, with three bedrooms and one bath. Before our younger sister came along, my brother and I had our own bedrooms. He was two years older and enjoyed teasing me in the way that older siblings do. But, for the most part, it wasn’t mean-spirited. I think he wanted to maintain the status quo: he was older, (supposedly) smarter, and stronger. For my part, I was a bit of a whiner, crying to our mother for every perceived threat, including the dreaded Stinkeye.

But Christmas Eve was the night we came together like Yin and Yang. We were a dedicated team, united in our efforts to stay awake long enough to see Santa in our downstairs living room.

After baths and a bowl of cereal, we’d dutifully march to his bedroom (he had a double bed) and begin building a blanket fort with pillows and various objects. That never worked well, and we ended up being the support for our tent. Armed with flashlights and a small battery-operated travel clock, the goal was to stay awake as long as necessary.

We’d play games and look at the catalog, now creased with torn pages, quite marked up with our ever-changing wishlists. Mom would periodically yell up the stairs that it was time to go to sleep, and we’d quiet down for a while. Then the hushed giggling would commence, growing into loud whispers. We’d imagine and share all kinds of crazy scenarios of what might happen when we caught Santa delivering the goods. This brought on boisterous laughing, and Mom would reprimand us again, saying Old St. Nick would pass us by if we weren’t asleep when he arrived. For young children, midnight was pretty late, but we usually made it that far before finally falling asleep.

It was a time when we innocently believed in a fairy who exchanged our baby teeth for money and a rabbit known for dropping off baskets of colored eggs and candy. Along with Santa Claus, these childhood icons performed their tasks in the dark of the night while kids were sleeping. Of course, only well-behaved children were rewarded, while bad kids got dusty chunks of coal. And we never suspected a thing.

The common thread was a belief in something that didn’t seem possible.

Magicians were another example of our naivete. They possessed a type of wizardry that allowed them to pull white bunnies out of top hats and sever attractive women into two halves without one drop of blood. We possessed just enough gullibility to believe our own eyes.

In my pre-adolescence, when Santa and company had been cast aside as frauds (perpetuated on children to exact good behavior), I became fascinated with UFOs. My neighborhood friends and I would sleep outside on summer nights armed with binoculars, searching the night skies for any sign of flying saucers.

The common thread was the belief in something that didn’t seem possible.Something that defied common sense and even science. What living creature can exist in outer space without oxygen and water? How could someone in a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer travel the entire world in one night? How can a person be cut in half and not die, let alone continue smiling and waving to the audience?

Our innocence allowed us to believe in the magical while preventing us from knowing our world's far less beautiful realities.

I don’t recall many other details from Christmas Eve, but what remains fifty years later is the magnitude of excitement and wonder. There’s not much that creates such a frenzy for me these days. But then, magic for grownups has to do with reality and not the fantasies of our youth. What excites us is shaped by good and bad experiences. We learn to differentiate what’s real from imagined and savor all that’s truly meaningful.

The tree's twinkling lights are still lovely but pale compared to the stars in the sky. The best gifts we receive, such as good health and genuine love, can’t be bought. It’s not the home-baked cookies that matter, but the time spent with loved ones.

We don’t understand this as children, which is why the trappings of the Christmas holiday seem so magical. Sadly, as we age, our childish innocence is sacrificed, replaced by real-world good and bad experiences. That’s the price we pay for growing up.

I’m fairly certain this is part of the sadness I feel at this time of year; the forfeiture of something precious that can never be regained. Coupled with the loss of loved ones who were integral to those happy times, it’s hard not to feel melancholy.

But, by remembering the Christmases of our past, we can honor those people and the poignant memories we shared. This nurtures our spirit and enables us to move forward towards new traditions and a future filled with happy memories yet to be made!

YOUR COMMENTS ARE WELCOME!

“Tell us about a favorite Christmas memory.”

LIFE MATTERS is a reader-supported publication (No Ads or Affiliate links). Please consider SUBSCRIBING to my FREE weekly essay about navigating the human experience with objectivity & humor.

ENJOYED THIS POST? PLEASE LIKE & SHARE!

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lifematters.substack.com

View Details

There is nothing like a taste of illness to bring out the full flavour of health. ~Charles Searle

It’s taken about five decades to figure out some of life’s most valuable lessons, and one is to never let a toddler sneeze or cough directly into your face.

My grandson did just that in early November while I was babysitting. It was the perfect trifecta that simultaneously hit me in the eyes, nose, and mouth. He had caught yet another cold from someone at the daycare he attends two days a week. Somehow he maintains a sunny disposition despite the snotty-nosed, bleary-eyed appearance that these bugs cause him on a regular basis.

It only took a few days before I felt the cold coming on. It began with a tickle in the throat and progressed to a full-fledged head cold. Coughing, sneezing, and sinuses so severely compacted that I needed a jackhammer to loosen the congestion. Instead, I bought one of those decongestants requiring proof that you’re over 18. It contains dextromethorphan (known as DXM), which produces a euphoric high in large quantities. I prefer red wine or Tito’s vodka for that purpose. The DXM was strictly to return functional breathing through my nose, which would have given ME a euphoric high at the time!

We don’t realize how lucky we are to wake up healthy.

I battled the symptoms with an arsenal of daytime and nighttime cold medicines, nose spray, sinus decongestant, Emergen-C, Vicks Vaporub, and a Vaporizer, to name a few. It took a solid three weeks to feel better and get rid of the congestion and cough.

I’m ashamed to admit that despite an ongoing effort to live more mindfully, I still forget to be consciously gratefulfor an average day. An average day means I wake up with nothing more than a minor ache or pain, and everyone I love is doing well. Consciously grateful as in making a daily affirmation of thanks for continued good health.

After 50+ years of colds, flu, mumps, pneumonia, chickenpox, sinus infections, rashes, seasonal allergies, etc. I still say the same thing upon getting sick: We don’t realize how lucky we are to wake up healthy.

We tend to take good health for granted, like everything else, until we don’t have it. I realized this in a BIG way back in 2017. While house-sitting for my son in Florida, Hurricane Irma struck and left us without electricity for five days AND running water for three days.

I consider myself pretty tough, but that was rough for someone who doesn’t even go camping (I have a penchant for running water.) Thank God for the inground pool. At least I could rinse off and flush the toilet. Floors had to be mopped, and the refrigerator emptied. The air-conditioning was down, making cleanup even harder and sweatier because Florida in September is still pretty hot!

After that experience, I was mindful every time I flipped a light switch or turned on the faucet. But, over time, the memory of those sweltering days faded, and I went back to my inattentive ways.

Then October came bringing an illness that won’t ever go away. Unless they find a cure. I first wrote about this in an earlier post from November 1st. It’s a type of blood cancer best known as leukemia. There are different types, and the one I have is called Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia or CLL. There are two forms: a fast-growing type that requires immediate treatment and a slow-growing type that often doesn’t require treatment for years.

I got lucky that mine is the indolent or inactive kind, at least for now. I hope I'm one of those people that doesn't experience any symptoms for years. Being 61 puts me in the proverbial third act of life. Once you reach this stage, it’s about making peace with the past and building some kind of legacy. The ability to accomplish these essential goals would make taking the final bow a whole lot easier.

However, I won’t leave behind any sizable inheritances or significant assets. Despite my childhood dreams of accomplishing greatness that would earn me fame and fortune, mine were achievements of a more personal kind. My fame is shared among a small tribe; my fortune is even smaller.

Some people choose to devote their lives to building careers and professional identities. From the time they’re young, they invest themselves fully into making those goals a reality, often at great sacrifice. Necessity forced me to invest in the family I created, but I never gave up on my own dreams. I attended college part-time throughout the years in an effort to build a future for myself.

But this diagnosis confirmed the things which matter most, at least in my mind. No amount of money can buy a cure. And tangible things certainly have value for which I’m grateful (a warm bed on cold winter evenings.) But what matters most? People, of course.

My first reaction upon hearing the news was fear that I wouldn’t be spending the upcoming holidays with my family. Not fear of the diagnosis or what it would mean in terms of illness, symptoms, or treatment, but panic regarding whether I’d share the company of my loved ones over Christmas.

At that moment, I realized (once again) how priceless those connections are in my life.

We all experience events that remind us of the importance of our relationships. Usually, when they’re threatened by forces beyond our control and sometimes when it’s within our control. Unexpected illness and injury are common ones, but what about a significant other who no longer feels loved and appreciated? Or, we’ve neglected a lifelong friend lately due to an over-busy schedule.

This is when awareness makes a difference.

Mindfulness

Being mindful of anything isn’t easy.

There are so many competing distractions. This is why we have to make a concerted daily effort to spend some time being focused on who and what really counts in our lives.

This diagnosis confirmed what matters most, at least in my mind. No amount of money can buy a cure. And tangible things certainly have value for which I’m grateful (a warm bed on cold winter evenings.) But what matters most? People, of course.

My first reaction upon hearing the news was fear that I wouldn’t be spending the upcoming holidays with my family. Not fear of the diagnosis or what it would mean in terms of illness, symptoms, or treatment, but panic regarding whether I’d share the company of my loved ones over Christmas.

This was a eureka moment, realizing my own health was secondary to these priceless connections in my life.

We all experience events that remind us of the importance of our relationships. Usually, when they’re threatened by forces beyond our control and sometimes when it’s within our control. Unexpected illness and injury are common ones, but what about a significant other feeling underappreciated due to an over-busy schedule? Or, a child craving our attention that’s focused too often on a cell phone?

This is where mindfulness can help.

But, if you’re like me, I’ve always assumed the act requires a yoga mat, candles, maybe a lotus plant strategically placed nearby, and a dedicated chunk of time each day. However, that’s not the case at all.

The founder of the modern mindfulness movement, Jon Kabat-Zinn, reminds us that practicing awareness, moment to moment, without judgment, only requires five minutes. Even this brief amount of time can restore a sense of calm and control in our otherwise hectic lives.

I’ve included below a short, easy meditation for us to try. Hopefully, we’ll restore some serenity into our souls and raise our awareness of all we have to be grateful for!

5 - MINUTE MEDITATION in 4 EASY STEPS

• Eliminate all distractions - turn off phone notifications and set a timer for 5 minutes.

• Sit in a comfortable position if possible (standing works, too.)

• Focus on your breathing and quiet the ‘mental 'chatter’ in your head:

• Repeat a word or mantra - “I am enough,” “In, Out, In, Out” to coincide with breathing.

• Listen to a sound - Choose something like a whirring fan or birds singing.

• Focus on an image - Choose something that represents peace and beauty.

• Take a deep breath when the timer goes off, and gently wiggle your fingers and toes. Ease back into your routine slowly and quietly.

• Have you or someone you love experienced an illness that caused you to redefine what really matters in life? If so, let us know in the Comments…we can learn from one another.

• And, as always, thanks for being a part of my Tuesday. If you enjoy Life Matters, please Subscribe, Share, and Comment…because your thoughts matter!

Thanks for reading Life Matters! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lifematters.substack.com

View Details

Let's face it; relationships are tough.

While some are definitely harder than others, they all challenge us at times. Even the best ones. This is why we should give thoughtful consideration when entering into new ones.

Some are chosen for us: family, teachers, coworkers, and Uber drivers. Sometimes we get lucky. Our parents and coworkers are wonderful people, and the teacher is inspiring. But, sometimes, our luck runs out. The Uber driver is a disgruntled ex-husband, who rambles incessantly about alimony, working three jobs, and his bad luck at the blackjack table. Suddenly, a twenty-minute ride to the airport feels like an eternity.

Thankfully, we do have control over other relationships: friends, lovers, and Facebook followers, to name a few. When chosen wisely, we can build positive, supportive networks that enrich our lives. However, poor judgment often results in ghosting, unfollowing, and other awkward situations.

But, awkwardness is easy when compared to escaping truly toxic relationships. These can wreak havoc on a person's life and are not as simple to get out of. This is why we should choose wisely. Before making new connections, it's helpful to learn about the person's background and what worldview they bring to the party. Their mindset about life's most essential issues indicates what that "party" may look like.

Worldview

Worldview is a person's belief system about four core areas:

Attitude/Perspective - describes their approach to things, such as whether they're optimistic versus pessimistic.

Ideology/Doctrine - defines their values concerning economics and politics.

Philosophy - addresses fundamental questions of life and the universe.

Religion - encompasses beliefs and practices related to spiritual matters.

The individual interpretation of these areas reflects their personality and behavior patterns.

One's belief system begins to form during early childhood. Children are raised according to their parent's or caretakers' own worldview. They have no choice or input over where they live or go to school, how many siblings they have, whether they attend church, or which political views they're indoctrinated with.

Years later, they're exposed to different ideas and opinions, often in direct conflict with their own. Some people seek further understanding and change their positions according to what they feel is right. Others reject thinking contrary to theirs and remain bonded to what they've been taught.

This unwillingness to see another perspective is problematic. We should be wary of those who refuse to listen to and consider other points of view. Rigid thinking keeps people stuck in old patterns and prevents the growth necessary to thrive in relationships.

Because relationships form the foundation of our mental and emotional health, we shouldn't make snap judgments about a new acquaintance. Instead, we're all on our best behavior with people we don't know well and only reveal our true selves to those we're closest to.

Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers. ~Mary Tyler Moore

Fortunately, there are warning signs to watch out for.

Unhealthy Behavior

Most toxic people exhibit specific characteristics. Controlling behavior is a big one. They dictate how other people should live their lives.

For example, how they dress, their friends, how to manage their careers, etc. Sometimes it's unintentional, but if done consistently and on purpose, it's for purely manipulative reasons.

Sometimes it may be for a good cause, like the other person's health. Suggesting to a loved one that they should quit smoking isn't necessarily being a control freak. However, badgering them daily about their habit probably won't persuade them to stop and will strain the relationship. Being controlled by someone, whether through bad habits or constant nagging, robs us of our truth and freedom.

Passive-aggressive behavior is also destructive, consisting of negative emotions. It's expressed in subtle ways meant to coerce another person's conduct. Passive-aggressive people hide their true feelings and refuse to discuss whatever bothers them. Rather than solving problems through honest communication, they deny their anger. Controlling people often use this tactic.

Overtly or covertly diminishing someone's personality is another red flag. Beware of anyone who uses character assassination to put others down. Watch how they treat people in subordinate positions, like the server or cashier. People who respect themselves treat others the same way, regardless of who they are.

Accountability is a hallmark of healthy people. They own their mistakes and recognize that being human means, we all mess up at times. Justifying bad behavior by blaming others (i.e., "look at what you made me do") is a copout. Nobody's perfect, and the ability to laugh at oneself is admirable!

Likewise, negativity can ruin friendships. It slowly chips away at an otherwise decent relationship. No one enjoys being with people who constantly see the dark side. When life rains on our parade, it's helpful to have a tribe remind us that the sun will shine again.

Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships begin with honesty and mutual respect. We don't have to agree on every issue, but respecting another's thoughts and opinions is crucial.

It's also essential to consider their feelings, even if we don't understand their motivation. Life experiences shape our feelings, and those can vary significantly from person to person. A casual remark, made in jest, might stir a painful memory. That's the time to be transparent and explain why it's hurtful. Educating others through honesty helps them understand better.

Growth equals success in any relationship. Learning what works and what doesn't and committing to positive change helps cultivate a healthy environment. People who encourage and support each other enjoy greater satisfaction. Those who don't will struggle to get along. Think of that coworker who isn't a team player. They won't step outside their job description to help anybody else.

Values like integrity, compassion, and accountability can't be compromised without selling out who we are as people. Honoring those values makes us happier and more fulfilled. We should never lower our standards for anyone. People who share the same values have rewarding partnerships compared to those who don't.

Another component of a healthy relationship is goals. Do you want the same things in life? Whether having children or starting your own business, a shared vision provides the incentive necessary to work together. Of course, flexibility should exist wherever compromise is possible, but having eyes on the same prize dramatically helps. It keeps us focused and moving in the same primary direction.

All relationships add some meaning to our lives. They provide a sense of purpose by being a part of something larger than ourselves. They also offer emotional and social support to fight stress. Think of the worst moments you've suffered and how they were made bearable by the compassion of another person.

Despite our best efforts, we are human and will fail on occasion. Acceptance of this fact and the ability to forgive - ourselves and others - allows us to develop as individuals.

During good times the shared camaraderie brings us happiness. We have others to celebrate life's many joys. During hard times they're a network that will sustain and care for us.

However, relationships are a two-way street. Each person has a responsibility to themselves and the other person. Therefore, before investing our time and emotions, we should carefully weigh the potential return on investment. And are we prepared to offer what they need from us? Conversely, will they provide what we need from them?

Some connections are casual, while others are more permanent. Knowing a person in-depth is essential when deciding whether to move forward with a relationship and if it will stand the test of time.

Be smart and choose wisely.

A FEW ITEMS:

Due to some tweaking of my schedule, Life Matters will drop by your inbox on Tuesdays AM instead of Wednesday.

Included below is a music video & lyrics that align with today’s topic. I’ll do that with each post and hopefully broaden my playlist (and possibly yours?)

There’s also a photo of my cat, whom I rescued from the mean streets of our city (despite his loud protestations.) He’s a spoiled house panther who enjoys a good box.

I’ve wanted to do a Gratitude Journal for a while now and decided to make Thankful Thursday my weekly thoughts on something that I’m grateful for. It may be super important things or mundane, silly stuff and will predictably show up on Thursday (hence the name!)

That’s it for now. Check out the content below, and I hope to see ya next time!

FIND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE - LYRICS

Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
Get yourself in a bind, lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

This is where the rubber meets the road
This is where the cream is gonna rise
This is what you really didn't know
This is where the truth don't lie

You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far.'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who you're friends are

Everybody wants to slap your back
Wants to shake your hand
When you're up on top of that mountain
But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up
And see who's around then

This ain't where the road comes to an end
This ain't where the bandwagon stops
This is just one of those times when
A lot of folks jump off

You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far.'
They just show on up with that big old heart
You find out who you're friends are

When the water's high
When the weather's not so fair
When the well runs dry
Who's gonna be there?

You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far.'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who you're friends are, you find out who your friends are.

The resident house panther is always happy to welcome the Firstleaf delivery!

Thanks for reading Life Matters! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

`

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lifematters.substack.com

View Details

It's better to give than receive, according to the Bible. But that depends on how much thought you've put into giving.

I've gotten pretty lazy over the years.

When I was younger, I put a great deal of consideration and energy into gift-giving. The brainstorming began well before the occasion; the Christmas lists started around the same time as the new school year.

When thinking about the recipient, I asked myself the following:

Do they have any hobbies?

What are their clothing preferences?

Do they enjoy books, movies, both, or not at all?

What is their favorite cologne or personal care item?

What do they usually spend their own money on?

Do they have any current needs?

If I required more inspiration, I'd flip through various catalogs. Remember those?

Can you imagine being a postal carrier when the J.C. Penney Christmas and Spring/Summer editions came out? No need to hit the gym after delivering those hefty tomes!

Then came the shopping, which involved leaving the house. Yes, we could do mail orders by phone or snail mail, but the latter could take three weeks. In those days, Amazon was a river in South America, and Prime was a type of number.

Once the purchase was made, the next step was the packaging. It was essential to choose the appropriate gift wrap and coordinating bow. If Mom hates cats, you don't wrap her gift in kitty paper.

Then came card shopping, which could easily take an hour. I love reading greeting cards, so just head to that section if you lose me in a retail shop. That's where you'll find me, usually giggling uncontrollably.

Nowadays, things are much different. For example, I generally give gift cards to a favorite store or restaurant that the person patronizes. It doesn't seem quite as effortless (i.e., lazy) as writing a check. It's then tucked into a greeting card that’s chosen within five minutes.

Bada-boom, all done.

So, why the drastic change in mindset? Is this a sign of aging, gift fatigue, or both?

Feeling guilty about my cavalier attitude, I decided to make some changes. After a bit of research and thought, I concluded the following:

1.) Forget the "Wow" factor.

When selecting gifts, you may want to achieve a big reveal moment. This occurs when the recipient expresses a dramatic reaction, usually because you spent too much money.

One long-ago Christmas, I came across a toy that so impressed me I just had to order it for my kids. It was unaffordable at $100 and last-minute, so I paid extra for expedited shipping. I was convinced they would be thrilled. Instead, their reaction to it was equal to the $20 presents under the tree. I overspent to "wow" myself.

The lesson here is to think practically, don't assume they'll like it just because you do, and stay within your budget.

2.) Don't surprise them.

In addition to the wow factor, you may also want to surprise your gift recipient. This often involves purchasing something totally unexpected, and that can backfire. Their only surprise might be your odd choice in gifts. It's safer to give something that was requested or that you know aligns with their personality and lifestyle. Add the element of surprise with an upgrade. If they enjoy Cabernet purchase a more expensive brand. Or an add-on gift, which pairs well with the main event. Like quality chocolates WITH the wine.

3.) A good idea goes a long way.

It's okay to give everyone the same present. Even if it’s Christmas, where they’ll be opening gifts at the same time. You don't have to buy something different for each person. A new, exciting idea is new and exciting for everybody (unless it’s completely outside their interests.) Plus, you can individualize the wrapping paper and bows to suit each recipient.

4.) There's no shame in regifting.

Waste not, want not, my grandma always said. Just because you don't like the gift doesn't mean someone else won't.

If you receive a bottle of Cabernet and hate Cabernet, I'll be thrilled to receive it. No questions asked. (BTW, do you notice a pattern here with the Cabernet example??)

Another good way to utilize a brand new item is for nonprofit fundraisers. I often donate theme baskets and use re-giftable things in them. For example, I received a corn popper, which I knew wouldn't use, so I created a "Movie Night" basket. With the addition of gourmet popping kernels, oil, seasoning, and a gift card for Netflix, it made a terrific donation, as well as a tax-deductible expense of $100!)

5.) Don't decide for them.

Sometimes the best gifts are the ones we give ourselves. So give your loved one the gift of choice via a gift card (or money) and let them decide. Just be sure the gift certificate/card is for a store or business they shop at.

It's also helpful to think in the short term. Gift cards can be forgotten if not used right away. So, think about the person's current needs and desires. For example, a college student needs textbooks; a crafter needs crafting supplies; a wine drinker needs wine.

A Journal of Consumer Research study found that while givers rate gifts on their desirability, recipients rate them on feasibility.

Givers focus more on sentiment and less on practicality. Receivers would instead prefer to get items they want or need.

We devote a considerable amount of time and money throughout the year to gift-giving. Hopefully, the tips above could make giving the perfect gift better...and easier!

It isn't the size of the gift that matters, but the size of the heart that gives it. ~Eileen Elias Freeman

I found the Uncommon Goods website a while back and just love it! They have unique and fun gifts in all categories. A lot of them are somewhat pricey, but there’s a Sale tab for the budget-conscious. Check it out at Uncommon Goods.

Thanks for reading Life Matters! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lifematters.substack.com

View Details

(Author’s Note: This is the second of two posts from 2015 when my Dad died.)

You know you're in denial when your adult children have to set you straight.

"Grandma can't take care of Grandpa anymore; the situation is out of control, and it won't get better."

They saw what my siblings and I didn't want to admit. As we struggled with what to do next, Dad fell again. My mom called me as I was getting ready for work and said she couldn't get him up alone. It took two people to get him back on his feet. She covered him with a blanket, put a pillow under his head, and he had to remain on the floor until I could get there.

I knew the time had come to move Dad into a nursing home. We all knew.

Later, I watched the EMT guys wheel him out of his front door for the last time. The realization that he was never coming back didn't hit me until weeks later.

He spent another few days in the hospital, and we went through the motions of "placing" him permanently in a local nursing home. What I remember most about this period was the surreal feeling it gave me. I had entered a new phase in my life; I switched places with my parents. They had always been my caretakers, and now they needed to be taken care of.

Knowing that something is the right thing to do doesn't mean it's easy.

I wanted my Dad to have in-home care, even though he didn't recognize it as home anymore. I wanted private duty nurses, but resources for that level of care weren't available. Dad required help to do everything: walk, bathe, eat, and use the bathroom. My mother had done her best, but she wasn’t in the greatest physical shape herself. Suffering from COPD for many years had restricted her mobility. My sister and I were single, working full-time. My brother lived out of town. There were no other alternatives.

Because of the cognitive impairment, Dad wouldn't use a walker or ask for help and fell every time he tried to walk. In addition, he was up multiple times during the night and tried to leave the house several times. It was evident that he needed constant monitoring.

We placed Dad in the nursing home just down the road from my apartment building. I drove by it on my short commute to work. In those first few months, I cried every time I passed by. He had been an active, social person his entire life, which I believe is why he always wanted to get up from his wheelchair. He felt the need to go somewhere or do something but couldn't remember what. We watched his world shrink, and our hearts grew heavier as it grew smaller.

We visited 3 to 4 times a week, which was always tricky. Some visits were better than others, depending on Dad's mood. For example, we learned about "sundown syndrome” and that he was more likely to be agitated in the early evenings. There were some pretty rough days where he demanded to leave and would swear and get mean. But other times, he was like his old self, rolling his eyes at the other residents and telling funny stories about them. During these fleeting moments, I had my Dad back, and they remain in my memory like momentary bursts of sunlight in those dark days.

He only lasted nine months. Despite being placed there for his own safety, he fell 66 times. Because the law won't allow restraints of any type, my father continued his quest to get up and get going. In addition, only three staff members were in charge of 15 patients in the Dementia Unit. As a result, he suffered more injuries in those last months than he had in his entire life. Yet, amazingly, he never broke a bone.

The guilt I felt for the pain that he suffered was unbearable. One evening, around 10:00 pm, I was trying to relax in a warm bath when the nursing home called. Dad had fallen and broken the skin on his arm. I was their contact person since Mom didn’t drive anymore. Despite being a minor injury, the nursing home must send them out to the hospital. I debated whether to hurry out of the tub and try to get there before my dad did. Then I realized it wouldn’t matter to him. He couldn’t remember who most of us were anymore, and I wept once again at this new reality. I never understood how sick the whole situation made me until he died.

The memory of my last communication with him was bittersweet and occurred five days before he passed. I took my mom's potato soup and a picture book I made. He ate the soup with difficulty, lifting the spoon shakily from bowl to mouth. They advised us to let the patient do as much for themselves as possible, for as long as possible. I didn't know it then, but it was his last meal. I’ll always regret not spoon-feeding him.

The strange thing about that day was he never spoke. We looked at the pictures together, and I asked him questions but got no verbal responses. They put Dad to bed after dinner as he could hardly keep his head up, and by morning he had become unresponsive. The staff advised us that this was most likely his final decline. I had mixed emotions but prayed that he wouldn't suffer or linger too long. I didn't want Dad to go, but considering how the disease had changed his life, I didn't want him to stay, forced to live in that condition. In his right mind, he would’ve hated it.

During those final days, I put a small CD player in his room and played Frank Sinatra songs. My Way was one of his favorites, defining how he lived his own life. I continued to talk and reminisce about the old days. About family vacations, holidays, and every funny story I could remember.

It was incredibly gratifying to be there when he died, something I’d always imagined would be terrible. I suppose this was because his quality of life had all but disappeared. He couldn’t remember the people and things that had always meant the most to him.

The hospice nurse alerted us that he was close to the end, so I hugged and kissed him and stroked his head, just like I always did. He was an affectionate man and passed that on to me. But unfortunately, he had lost so much in memory and cognition that I felt touch was the last means of communication we had. I hoped that, on some level, he sensed a loving presence was there and felt nothing but peace.

As his breathing slowed, I put my face next to his, whispered that I loved him, and thanked him for being a wonderful dad. Next, I told him his brother and parents were waiting to greet him, like so many others, and that I'd see him later. Lastly, I assured him that he would never fall again, that freedom was only moments away, he was finally going home, and that he wouldn't need the grown-up Band-Aids anymore.

Taking care of our elderly and their wide-ranging conditions is no easy task. Just ask those who look after them; family and skilled nursing staff. Nursing homes can’t compare to the familiarity and sense of security that one feels in their own home. And with Alzheimer’s/Dementia patients, that sometimes refers to the family only because the patient doesn’t recognize “home.”

However, while we were relieved to have a place to take our parents, to get respite from the unending work of caring for them, I saw many troubling things in the brief time that my parents spent there, each in a different facility. Due to several incidents, cameras in all areas are needed to ensure patient safety for our loved ones and staff accountability, similar to what is offered in children’s daycare centers.

Do you have personal experience dealing with nursing homes? If so, what would you change about the facility you used? Please reply in the comments.

You only know yourself because of your memories. – Andrea Gillies

Thanks for reading Life Matters! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lifematters.substack.com

View Details

Photo by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash

(Author’s Note: With Father’s Day approaching, I’ve been thinking about my Dad and decided to share some posts I wrote in 2015 after his death. Anyone who’s experienced Alzheimers/Dementia with a loved one knows well the unique heartache it is to watch them slowly lose the memories that make up their life.)

Band-aids. That's what I'll remember from the last few years of my Dad's life.

The funny thing is, you usually associate them with children. I wore my share as a kid and applied many more as a parent. But you don't think of them as something senior citizens need unless you're dealing with the frequent falls that result from dementia.

I've heard the expression that we "come full circle" in our lives, and now I understand how true that is. Unfortunately, I didn't have the up-close experience of the aging process with my grandparents. Still, I made up for it with my own parents.

It began as a simple fall in the yard, on the grass, while mowing, no harm done. Some time went by, and then another fall. We blamed it on his athletic slides, so we threw them away when he wasn't looking. Then another fall, and we noticed that he was shuffling his feet when he walked. I thought it might be Parkinson's, so I took him to his doctor. That visit began a three-year journey that only recently ended. His PCP did various tests and sent him out to specialists, determined to figure out what was happening. By the time we got the diagnosis, more symptoms had appeared.

My Dad was always an outgoing people-person but suddenly became quiet and subdued. When we gathered for the holidays, he sat in the TV room rather than joining us to socialize. This was completely unlike the guy who had always loved a good party.

He grew increasingly forgetful and depressed, continued to have balance issues, and the falls kept coming. Eventually, Dad lost his driver's license after hitting a parked car in his neighborhood. It wasn't the accident that surprised me most, but the fact that he drove away without reporting it. The incident shook up Mom, but Dad kept denying it until the police officer showed up at the door.

Once we knew about dementia, we understood what was happening inside my father's brain. But I'll never forget the day that I really understood the magnitude of the situation and what was coming. My Dad looked at me with somewhat pleading eyes and said, "I asked your mother when we were going home, and she said that we are home." At that moment, we were standing in the living room of their house.

Talk about the monster under the bed. Here was the man who could scare off the bad guys and perform amazing feats in a single bound, looking frail and confused. My inner child was shaking, and I knew it would only worsen.

In February 2014, my Dad suffered a fall that put him in the hospital for ten days. His cognition had gotten so bad that he no longer threw his arms out, a usually involuntary response. Ultimately, he faceplanted on the hardwood floor. He suffered another fall in the hospital that resulted in additional days to his stay. After being discharged, he went to a nursing home for follow-up care. He was placed in the Alzheimer's/Dementia unit, and I hated the fact that he was there. He wasn't like those other people. At least not yet.

We hurried to make the house safer and tried to figure out how to keep him from falling again. I remember my brother and me picking him up at the end of his convalescent stay. It was an unusually sunny day for winter, and I felt delighted to be bringing him home.

But it was short-lived. Despite home health care and efforts to teach him to use a walker, we couldn't keep him off the floor. My mother tried to keep an eye on him at all times, but it was impossible, and he refused the walker.

Dad began to have "sundown" syndrome, a period of agitation that generally occurs in the early evening. He would become angry and combative, using expletives and blaming others for perceived slights. Another problem was that Dad no longer slept through the night. Instead, he was up and down, taking my mother with him. They slept in separate rooms, and sometimes she didn’t hear him. Eventually, he tried to leave the house after midnight, but luckily she heard him. He told her that he had to go to school.

I got so accustomed to seeing him cut and bandaged; his bruises varied colors depending on where they were in the healing process. It amazed me that he hadn't broken any bones yet.

We lived in constant fear of the next bad fall. It wasn't a matter of if but when. That "when" came less than three months later, and the band-aids kept getting bigger.

On My Father’s Dementia by Daniel Marcou his mind has holes i reach into each feeling my way through the darkness of memories dimmed wondering what i will grasp that he can’t anymore

his mind has holes yet his heart is full beating with each breath like a clock ticking the days away

there is no future there is no past there is just what there is and even the present doesn’t make sense anymore

his mind has holes i reach inside them with the hope of finding my father not for me or my family but to give him himself again

his mind has holes and through them he journeys in a circle from obsession to paranoia and back again

his mind has holes he waits in a cerebral bread line hungry for memories starving for stories

his mind has holes what was once whole is now hole after hole if only they were truly empty and not so full of confusion.

Please remember the real me when I cannot remember you. – Julie White

Thanks for reading Life Matters! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lifematters.substack.com

View Details

Fake people are a lot like fake butter.

They may look authentic on the surface, but a closer inspection reveals that they don't “taste” quite right.

Can you recognize it when you meet them? Knowing what characteristics to look for will prevent headaches and heartaches later. Trust me, I know.

Years ago, when I was young and inexperienced, my perceptions of people were solely based on first impressions. If they dressed and spoke well, I assumed they were trustworthy. I equated a well-rounded vocabulary with wisdom. Expensive clothing meant high class. Much later, I realized that neither belief was necessarily true. There’s a difference between education and intelligence, and wearing Jimmy Choo’s doesn’t mean someone is upper-crust. They may be a heavily in-debt service industry worker trying to look otherwise.

Do you sometimes feel that your own words and actions are less than genuine? Unfortunately, we all say and do things under certain circumstances that aren't entirely honest. (No, your butt doesn't look huge in those leopard print, spandex pants that you love so much.)

But, there's a difference between people who consistently put up a false front or lie and those who do it occasionally for more honorable reasons. The latter often tries to avoid hurt feelings and keep the peace by saying something less than truthful.

The following seven characteristics are common to folks that disguise their true selves. It's not an all-inclusive list but gives you an idea of who we're talking about. You're probably dealing with a straight-up phony person if you regularly notice these traits.

1.) No Self-Reflection

Authenticity requires knowing who you are on a much deeper level than what is visible to others. This is only achieved through honest self-reflection that addresses the good, the bad, and the ugly. We're all human, and we possess some of each. Being aware of our weaknesses (and our strengths) and acknowledging them keeps us honest. People unable to do this are either constantly stressed out trying to attain perfection or mistakenly believe they've already achieved it. Perfection is an impossible goal that no one reaches; better to consistently look for ways to learn and improve.

2.) No Transparency

Genuine people exude self-confidence and are unashamed of their mistakes. They dare to be sincere about their flaws, making them influential leaders. Fake people tend to be followers who are sensitive to criticism, quickly threatened, and offended. They're determined to convince others of their point of view. This is the marker of their insecure self-concept. When they make a mistake, they'll often try to blame someone or something else. This dishonesty varies depending on how insecure the phony person is.

3.) Ulterior Motives

While it's perfectly normal to have goals and aspirations, fake people are incredibly self-centered. An agenda of gratifying their own needs and desires come before all others. They aren't willing to make sacrifices for the common good unless there's something in it for them as individuals. They are selfish, and the pain they inflict on others is justified in their minds. Authentic people often devote their time and energy to projects that help others without expecting accolades.

4.) Critical & Judgemental

Even though fake people can't accept their imperfections, they quickly judge others. Their feelings of unwarranted superiority enable them to easily criticize those around them. Honest people realize their faults and know that mistakes are opportunities to learn. They recognize that everyone is human (including themselves) and are willing to grow and help others do the same.

5.) Lacks Empathy

Feeling empathy depends on one's ability to put themselves in another person's situation. The Native Americans described this in their well-known proverb:

Never judge a person until you've walked a mile in their moccasins.

Fake people, whose focus is always on themselves and how a situation relates to them, don't possess this insight. A lack of empathy directly correlates with being judgemental. Genuine people routinely consider how their actions will affect others and make their choices accordingly.

6.) Closed-Minded

Real people are open to different ideas and eager to listen and hear another person’s viewpoint.

Disingenuous folks tend to be set in their ways, which breeds intolerance and ignorance. They prefer to do things the familiar way rather than risk looking less than perfect by learning something new. And there's a distinct difference between listening and hearing. You can listen to someone without ever actually hearing them. But on the other hand, sincere people understand that difference and the value of active listening.

7.) No Listening Skills

Genuine people are interested in the truth even when it hurts. They're willing to consider other viewpoints despite being contradictory to their own. Their goal is to learn and develop in positive ways. Fake people are consumed with keeping up their carefully crafted image. Being vulnerable requires courage and inner strength, which they don't have. They're not interested in hearing any messages opposing their position, which correlates with being closed-minded.

Okay, so maybe you're vegan or have a medical condition that prevents you from enjoying real butter.

However, you'll be a lot healthier if you limit your exposure to cheap imitations when it comes to people. Authentic folks encourage us to be our best selves even when that's not easy. Even when it takes a lot of time and energy and involves personal sacrifice.

My father-in-law had a favorite saying:

It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're flying with the pigeons.

That can apply to different scenarios. In his case, he recited it often to four teenagers, encouraging them to choose their friends wisely.

But, the adage holds the same wisdom for adults: we should surround ourselves with people who have earned our admiration and respect. Overall, we'll be happier, and our chances for growth and success are much greater.

I have a lot of respect for genuine people. They might not be perfect, but at least they’re not pretending to be. – Anthony Gussiardi

Thanks for stopping by.

If you know someone who could benefit from this article, please share it. There were times in my life when I needed someone to enlighten ME about toxic people and situations. If they had, it might not have taken so many years to reach a point of growth and understanding. If there’s someone in need, we should always reach out…gently.

Thanks for reading Life Matters! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lifematters.substack.com

View Details

A picture is worth a thousand words, and sometimes they’re worth a thousand feelings.

I was going through some old photos and came across one that triggered an emotional memory, like the ones I wrote about previously. It was of my Dad and his physical therapist at the dementia unit he resided in during the last nine months of his life.

Even the confusion from dementia didn't prevent his appreciation for a beautiful young woman. Dad’s wry smile was like a glance back to a different time. He didn't understand who she was or the purpose of the therapy but happily followed her instructions like a good student. He was losing his ability to walk and falling regularly.

My Dad spent most of his 60-year career in managerial roles. And he ran a tight ship. I know because I was one of those employees. It was my first job at 16, and he taught me much about job performance and honesty. That solid foundation served me well for the rest of my working life, and I'll always be grateful that he was my first boss.

In the beginning, dementia didn't prevent him from acting like a manager. Interestingly, during those nine months in the Alzheimer's unit, he often mistook the other residents and staff for his employees.

During one visit, my mom and I were sitting with Dad in the main visiting area. We were off to the side in chairs near the giant fish tank that he enjoyed watching. About seven other patients, all women, were seated around the long tables in the various forms of regress that are the hallmarks of dementia. Dad motioned at the others, shaking his head with disgust, and informed us that he wasn't sure "what was up" with these women.

"What do you mean Dad," I inquired.

"They come here every morning at 6 am and just sit around all day doing nothing. I'm surprised they haven't been fired yet. I'd fire them if they were my employees," he informed us.

My mother and I looked at each other, startled, and quickly attempted to conceal our laughter.

In the beginning, dementia didn't prevent him from wanting to leave. Dad was unsure of where he was but knew it wasn't home. Occasionally, he'd ask us to bring the car around so we could go. But, then, we'd have to say that he needed more therapy and couldn't leave just yet.

Those were the most challenging moments, knowing he wasn't ever going home. It was hard to believe that Dad would never sit in his brown leather chair again, watching his favorite TV shows. He wouldn't plant tomatoes and onions in the spring or make his daily rounds at the local grocery stores.

I wanted desperately to bring him home for the holidays, but we worried that he might refuse to go back. No longer able to care for him at home, it was a risk we simply couldn't take. And it made me feel like absolute s**t. I never wanted to be a millionaire more than right then. I'd have hired around-the-clock private nursing care for both my parents.

In the beginning, dementia didn't steal his appetite. He continued to eat the food that came to him on a tray three times a day. They weren't like the meals mom cooked, and towards the end, everything had to be pureed. His ability to swallow was diminishing.

We would bring him home-cooked dishes and baked goods, which he ate with enthusiasm. I'd also get McDonald's french fries and chocolate milkshakes, and other take-out items that he used to love. It was incredibly satisfying watching him enjoy his old favorites.

In the beginning, dementia didn't steal his sense of humor. I recall an incident involving one of the other patients that showed how Dad still had his sense of humor.

Dick was one of my favorite people in the Alzheimer's unit. He was good-natured and smiling most of the time. One day Dick stood up from his chair and gave a "reach for the sky" kind of a stretch. As he stretched, he began to pass gas loud enough for everyone to hear. It was a long, slow puttering sound that lasted about five seconds, having no impact on him or the other residents sitting nearby.

Once again, my mom and I almost lost it, but we managed to control our giggles. At least until my Dad looked at us with a pronounced WTF expression and proceeded to roll his eyes and shake his head.

On another occasion, Dick came out of his room completely naked and walked to a window facing the road out in front of the building. He raised his arm, looking back and forth from his wrist to the window. I suspect he was waiting for a bus.

There were a few funny situations during the mostly somber months Dad spent in the nursing home, and we'll never forget them. Dad's clarity at those times allowed us to see a glimpse of the man we had always known and loved. But, they got fewer and farther between. We knew they would eventually disappear like a balloon that rises slowly into the sky.

Sadly, dementia did finally steal every part of my Dad, including his life. The placement in the nursing home only lasted nine months, but I had no idea of the full extent of my depression and pain until the day he passed away. I had a love/hate relationship with that facility. We couldn’t handle Dad on our own at home. But, they couldn’t handle him with the same love and care that we could provide.

I was with him at the end. The moment the hospice nurse announced that he was gone, I felt my spirit soar along with his. With a smile and tears on my face, I kissed his cheek and whispered:

"Hey, Dad, guess what? The therapy is finished. You're finally going home."

Author’s Note:

Based on his first symptoms, I never guessed that my Dad was ill with dementia. It started with a fall in the yard. Then, a few months later, another fall in the basement. He seemed to be shuffling his feet, and I wondered if it were Parkinson’s disease, although there was no visible shaking.

There were other minor signs that we missed or dismissed as “senior moments.” He seemed distracted and quiet. I found him in the TV room on his last Christmas Eve at home, staring blankly at the screen. The rest of the family was gathered in the living room. This was so out of character for my Dad, who always loved a good party. I asked if he was feeling okay. He said he was feeling fine.

But, as the issues progressed, he was eventually diagnosed with vascular dementia. I didn’t know much about the disease except that it was related to Alzheimer’s. I had no clue what was coming.

My dad’s been gone seven years now, and I miss him terribly. My regrets consist of not knowing enough ahead of time. Had I understood dementia better and the timeframe it might take, I could have been better prepared. Looking back, I feel like we flew by the seat of our pants. We were trying desperately to keep him safe from injuries through falling, wandering out the front door, and trying to drive the car after his license was canceled by the doctor.

If you know an older person whose behavior has changed, there’s a reason. Don’t be quick to dismiss forgetfulness as growing older. Encourage them to see the doctor and discuss any changes in their physical/mental/emotional states. Regardless of the condition, early diagnosis provides an opportunity to learn and prepare.

Trust me; you’ll be glad you did.

And if you know of someone that could benefit from this information, please share the post.

For more information on the various types of dementias, see the links below.

Resources:

National Institute on Aging

Alzheimer's Association

Thanks for reading Life Matters! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lifematters.substack.com

View Details

Ahh...Sundays; who doesn't love them?

Well, probably all the folks who have to punch a clock. This means anyone employed in a service industry, such as retail, restaurants, or the medical field. I spent many years in the retail sector and don't miss working evenings, weekends, and those frantic holidays.

Some of you may remember when stores were closed on Sundays or had reduced hours. The idea was to keep the day free for church and family. My first job at 16 was at a grocery store, open from 9 am to 9 pm, Monday through Saturday. However, we were closed on Sundays. A few years after I started, they began Sunday hours from 10 am to 2 pm.

For Christians, Sunday is a day of worship. I have fond memories of attending church with my grandma, where the members were called "born again." I didn't understand; I thought being born was something you only did once. Later, after listening to enough sermons, I understood the concept. Whenever someone asked if I went to church, I said I went to the Born Again church on Cedar Avenue.

The building was small, with a center aisle leading to the altar, which consisted of a raised platform with a rail around it. In the center was the podium that held a large Bible. All the women sat on the left side and wore dresses and what appeared to be doilies on their heads. Pants were not allowed. They also weren't permitted to wear jewelry other than wedding rings. The men sat on the right in dark suits and shoes. It had a simple design; minimalist with no ornate architecture or stained glass windows. The church was plain like its members.

I enjoyed the hymns and listening to my great-aunt's voice quiver as she tried to hit the high notes but failed. The organ was played by the pastor's daughter, an awkward teenager who managed a few notes off-key each week, but I still thought it was lovely. She wore a doily, and I was jealous. Neither she nor I were old enough; you had to be 18. But, they made an exception because she played the organ.

After the gathering prayers, there was a Bible study for the adults, while the kids had Sunday school in one of the back rooms of the church. I loved Sunday school and hearing Bible stories like Noah's Ark. There were fun crafts with cool things like pipe cleaners and pasta noodles. We sang songs and learned Bible verses. If we minded the teacher, we usually got a cookie. After that, the children joined the adults for the main service.

I tried desperately to pay attention, but it was hard. The pastor was a lovely man who gave long-winded exhortations and heavily punctuated them with the word "Lord." I remember most of his stories about hell, that fiery pit of damnation, where all sinners went after death. Sinning involved things like gambling, dancing, and going to the movies. Spending time in beer gardens would earn you a one-way ticket to the devil's house. Then there was the sin of coveting. You could covet your neighbor's goods, including their wife, but it wasn't advisable. Interestingly, I never heard him talk about coveting your neighbor's husband.

I was still young and had no interest in gambling or beer, but I liked watching American Bandstand and movies. And jewelry. I was guilty of wanting some things the other kids had, so that meant I was a coveter.

He went into great detail about the horrors these evil-doers could expect and described the "grinding and gnashing of teeth" when they were thrown into the fiery pit. I didn't ever want to go there but constantly worried about whether I could tow the line.

Sometimes people from other Born Again churches came for something called Fellowship. I liked Fellowship Sundays because they involved a luncheon and yummy desserts like Grandma's pineapple squares (recipe below.) They would set up a long table filled with mismatched dishes for a potluck feast in a room off the kitchen. These delicious foods were put in the oven at low temperatures until the end of the morning services. The kitchen was next to the room where the congregation sat. The tantalizing aroma made it especially hard to focus on the pastor's lengthy sermon.

It was fun playing with the kids from the visiting churches, whom we only saw once in a while. The downside was the extra-long homilies. Our pastor and the visiting one both took a turn at the pulpit, and it cut into the fun parts of Fellowship.

There are also pleasant memories from our Sunday school holiday programs. Before Christmas and Easter each year, we would receive a typed out Bible verse on a scrap of paper, which had to be memorized. If I received one longer than two sentences, I panicked. I was terrified of forgetting my lines and believed anything over two sentences was tempting fate.

I managed well enough with the verses I was assigned, but the one I still remember to this day is from John, chapter 3, verse 16:

For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. ~John 3:16

After our Christmas program, we received a small box of candy wrapped and tied with a pretty bow. We received a small chocolate bunny for Easter, but these gifts came with a stern reminder of the true "reason of the season." We were never to forget that it was Christ's birth and resurrection. Therefore, I always thanked Jesus before enjoying the Christmas candy or biting the ears off the rabbit.

Christmas caroling is another beautiful memory I have of those days. It was always snowy in December, and we crunched over the icy sidewalks singing in our best voices. People would open their doors or come onto their porches smiling broadly and nodding. Sometimes they joined in with our singing. Then, after we finished, they would clap and thank us for bringing them good tidings of great joy. It made me feel quite important and happy inside. After all, it's not every day that you get to bring good tidings of great joy.

Caroling at the nursing home was another story. I didn't understand why some old people didn't smile and nod. Or clap when we finished. A few of them would stare at us, expressionless. They suffered from awful bedhead, and their eyes appeared to see things I couldn't, which scared me. It also felt far too warm for the weird smells that circulated. I thought a few cracked windows might do the trick. There was a mixture of sadness and fear in my heart every year we visited. Once we were back outside in the fresh air, there was a relief. I never outgrew these feelings, and they remained as I saw my parents in their respective nursing homes for different reasons.

Our memories are selective, and we tend to recall happy times while letting the somber ones slip away. So reminiscing about those early years at the Born Again church makes me happy. It's a solid connection to my elders, who are now all gone. My grandma, great-aunts, and great-uncles. The friends I made back then are also gone from my life.

I left the church around the age of 15. I wanted to wear makeup and jewelry and go to the movies and dances. I wanted to play card games and do many frowned-upon things. But, I believe you could be a good person with or without the doily.

I learned the stories of the Bible, the Ten Commandments, and that we're supposed to love our neighbors. I learned about forgiveness and being forgiven. Despite rejecting some of their practices, I kept the precious lessons.

I'm grateful to my grandma for helping instill the tenets of what it takes to be a good and decent person, with or without the church. She gave me many gifts throughout my life, but that was the most precious.

Every time I do the right thing or make the right choice, I think of her. And that's a legacy that I know she would be proud of.

I'm afraid I never shall get religion, for all that's offered me seems so poor, so narrow, or so hard that I cannot take it for my stay. A God of wrath I cannot love; a God that must be propitiated, adorned, and adored like an idol I cannot respect; and a God who can be blinded to men's iniquities through the week by a little beating of the breast and bowing down on the seventh day, I cannot serve. I want a Father to whom I can go with all my sins and sorrows, all my hopes and joys, as freely and fearlessly as I used to go to my human father, sure of help and sympathy and love. Shall I ever find Him? ~Louisa May Alcott, "Through the Mist," Work: A Story of Experience, 1873

Yummy pineapple squares…but I have to confess that I’ve never made this delicious dessert. I enjoyed them throughout the years that my grandma, aunt, and mom made them. Unfortunately, the instructions are very basic and don’t include much detail. There are many variations on the Internet, but these are the measurements/ingredients of our recipe. Please let me know if you attempt to make them and learn how to modify the recipe to make it better.

GRANDMA’S PINEAPPLE SQUARES

Crust - Mix together like pie dough:

4 Cups - Flour

4 tsp. - Baking Powder

1 tsp. - Salt

1 Cup. - Sugar

3/4 Cup - Crisco

Divide dough into two balls. Roll one crust thin enough for a 9 x 13 pan (this is what I remember, but the recipe doesn’t reflect the size of the pan.) This should cover the sides with enough excess to crimp. Set aside.)

Filling:

2 - Large Eggs

1/2 Cup - Milk

1 tsp. - Vanilla

1 Large Can - Crushed Pineapple

1/2 Can - Water

1 Cup - Granulated Sugar

4 TBSP. - Tapioca

Pour mixture into prepared crust. Roll the second dough ball out to fit over the top of the pan & crimp the edges.

Bake at 375 degrees for 35 minutes (crust should be lightly browned on edges.) Cool completely. Then dust with powdered sugar.

But, before a yummy dessert, we must serve a (hopefully) delicious meal. If you love your crockpot, here’s a link to Southern Living’s After-Church Slow Cooker Recipes. Let us know which ones you tried and recommend!

Thanks for reading Life Matters! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lifematters.substack.com

View Details

It's surprising how much memory is built around things unnoticed at the time." ~Barbara Kingsolver

Memory can be a funny thing.

Sometimes, when you need it most, it can't be found. Like when someone is approaching you, waving, and calling your name. You realize that you should know this person; they obviously know you. But, no matter how hard you struggle to remember their name, your gray matter won't cough it up.

Then there are times when something triggers a memory long forgotten. The trigger might be a song or a smell; it's always sensory. Suddenly, we're transported back to a time and place we haven't thought of in years.

I often stayed overnight at my great-aunt's house as a small child. She was a lot of fun and knew how to entertain children. My first experience with emotional memory occurred as a result of those visits, and it was pretty powerful.

Before bedtime, Aunt Pauline would draw a warm, bubbly bath and let me play for a while. There was always a bar of gold Dial soap and the toys that she kept for my visits. Unbeknownst to me then, the scent of that soap would stay with me long after those overnighters came to an end.

Many years went by before I got another whiff of Dial soap, but the memories came flooding back when I did. For an instant, I could see that bathroom again in my mind's eye, light reflecting off the salmon-pink tile. I could feel the sudsy warm water against my skin and hear my aunt's cackle-like laughter. It was fantastic, but fleeting.

The house we grew up in had a sizable backyard, and just beyond that were train tracks. In the '60s and '70s, there was a lot of activity on those tracks. Freight trains came by multiple times throughout the day and night, hauling lots of coal and other products. So we would race to the backyard during the daylight hours as soon as we heard the whistle off in the distance. Waiting patiently, we sat on a giant rock near the small crest overlooking the tracks. We would motion to the conductor, pumping our arms up and down, who blew the whistle again. Then, the rear brakeman, who always rode in the caboose, would wave or salute as the train disappeared around the bend.

While most people would complain about the noise, we grew accustomed to it; a comforting reminder that we were home. We lived on a quiet street (other than the trains), and on summer nights, the only sounds were the crickets and the hum of a box fan trying to cool the humid air.

I loved hearing the train whistle and feeling the vibrations as the approaching engine got closer. When I grew up and moved out, I left those sounds behind.

Many years later, while visiting relatives, I stayed near train tracks. It was a warm August evening, the bedroom window was open, and the crickets were singing their familiar summer song.

Then, I heard it. A lowly train whistle far off in the distance. Suddenly, I was back in a twin bed in the old neighborhood of my childhood house. The feeling of nostalgia was heartwarming, and I squeezed my eyes shut, wanting desperately to hang on to it as long as possible. But, it was momentary, slipping away before I could wrap myself in its sweetness.

Who knew that seemingly insignificant things could stay with us, buried in the long-term memory of our brains? Instead, these things were a mundane part of daily life.

We do not remember days; we remember moments. ~Cesare Pavese

So, what causes them to generate the intense emotions they do so many years later?

I've always assumed it's the powerful feeling that we're pulled from the present moment and thrust back to a time that occurred many years prior. After all, the sensory components remain the same while we have changed.

While the process is still not fully understood, it's believed that the hippocampusand two amygdalae regions in the brain play key roles in processing both memories and emotions. Interactions between the two may reinforce the link between them.

Most of us have old family photos that are occasionally brought out and reminisced over, a tangible connection to a past that's gone forever. Similar to those pictures are memorable occasions filed away in our subconscious minds. But, they're easily recalled due to their significance in our lives.

However, many thousands more exist that have slowly faded away. Seemingly insignificant moments that are all too soon forgotten.

Those rare occasions of emotional memory are golden opportunities to relive, for a few precious seconds, the moments that are no longer inconsequential. Only with the passage of time does the actual value of these flashbacks become obvious.

One more reason why we should live every moment to the fullest!

Learn more about emotional memory in this Psychology Today article.

Each man's memory is his private literature, and every recollection affects us with something of the penetrative force that belongs to the work of art. ~Aldous Huxley

Thanks for reading Life Matters! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lifematters.substack.com

View Details

Birthdays are typically a time for celebration. Until they're not.

As youngsters, we eagerly anticipate all the trappings that make up our special day: a party with family and friends, gaily decorated cakes, colorful balloons, and gifts! All those marvelous things that make the day so special.

But, as we grow older, birthdays can evoke a sense of longing and even sadness. Especially the milestone birthdays. We traverse the nine years between each turn of the decade uneventfully, and then BOOM. You're the Big 6–0 (or wherever you happen to be on the aging continuum.)

Big is right; I'm ten pounds heavier than I was at 50. Probably because I never pass on a birthday cake (or any cake for that matter.)

Each year, as we add another candle, it's a reminder of time passing. We're so busy building a life during our twenties and thirties that time seems to stand still. Granted, we're racing every day from morning till night to beat deadlines, keep appointments, and get a thousand things done. But, we're focused on the tasks and not how quickly the calendar pages turn.

Then one day, we wake up and realize everything is slowing down. The family, financial, and work demands significantly decrease as children leave the nest and retirement looms.

This slowing down begins to affect us physically and mentally, too. Presbyopia, a change in the ability of our eyes to focus, starts in the forties. This literally happened to me overnight. One day I was reading Stephen King's The Stand, completely unaided, and the next day I needed magnifiers. Of course, I read the complete and uncut version that contains 1,152 pages. Maybe that extensive reading was the final collapse of my previous 20-20 vision!

Balance becomes an issue. Putting on pants while standing turns into a challenge, and "senior moments" occur more often. So it's no wonder we get a little depressed at birthday time, wondering what else may be lost in the upcoming year.

I was naive when purchasing a ceiling fan with a pull chain over my bed (this is great for hot flashes.) The contractor asked why I didn't get a remote control model, informing me they didn't cost much more. He then asked if I really wanted to stand on the bed in ten years, to turn the fan on and off. Suddenly, I pictured myself trying to put jeans on without falling over. So the next day, I exchanged the pull chain for the remote style.

But, as young adults, we look forward to the next decade, thinking about all the exciting opportunities it will bring. We're confident in our abilities, more optimistic about the future, and feel like we have all the time in the world.

And therein lies the problem. Once we reach a certain age, there's a sense that the really good stuff is behind us. We have to look forward to frequent doctor visits and senior discounts. We finally have more time for hobbies and interests, but now that precious time is running out.

The real insult is that we begin to resemble our parents while still seeing and feeling like our twenty-something selves. So, how do we drop the negativity and adopt a happy mindset about our milestone birthdays? Here are a few suggestions that I tried and made my own easier to accept:

Consider the Alternative

First, it's important to remember that growing old is a privilege not afforded to everyone.

I think of my high school classmates from the late 70s that aren't around to complain about aches and pains. One guy was killed on a motorcycle a month after graduation. Another died in his thirties. On and off, a friend battled cancer from middle school through middle age and then passed away shortly after the 35th reunion.

I've been extraordinarily fortunate, and when I start feeling down about aging, I remember these folks. They missed so many of the joys that only come from growing older, and there are many. Acknowledging those joys reminds us to count our blessings and prevents us from feeling sorry for our aging selves.

Learn From the Past

Knowing who we are today is the first step to learning the lessons from yesterday.

We're all products of our environments: intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. How we respond to people and life's many ups and downs ultimately determine what kind of journey we'll have.

We accumulate a wealth of experiences, good and bad, over time. The longer we live, the more we gain. But, knowledge is only helpful if we learn from it. We must look back with a critical eye and recognize areas where we made poor choices so we don't repeat the same mistakes.

And forgiveness for past hurts is a necessary component of embracing the future. Holding on to grievances prevents us from successfully moving forward. We must forgive others, as well as ourselves.

An honest commitment to better choices increases our chance for lasting happiness.

Older IS Wiser

If we can learn from the past, we'll recognize just how accomplished we are.

Recognizing the tragedies and triumphs we've dealt with in life, and survived, is quite empowering!

We're better able to sort through our many experiences and relationships and decide which ones to keep and which to throw away. Because not all people and situations are healthy. And some are downright toxic.

As younger people, we often don't see things for what they are; we see them as we want them to be. Unfortunately, the same idealism so admirable in youth can be a double-edged sword. Inexperience blinds us to reality and results in decisions based on fantasy rather than facts.

Reaching middle age without a thorough self-assessment of our past lives dooms us to repeat the same mistakes. Growth simply can't happen. So, take an honest look, celebrate the wins, and know a poor choice when you see one.

It's All Relative

Some folks are old at 60, while others are young at 80.

Most 80 year-olds are typical: many no longer drive or travel much beyond their church, grocery store, and the doctor's office. As a result, the world shrinks in proportion to their aging bodies.

But, everyone ages differently, and there are exceptions to the rule. Take Yuichiro Miura, for example. In 2013 Miura became the oldest person to climb Mt. Everest, earning him a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. So, while most octogenarians take the stairs a bit slower, he scaled Mt. Everest!

Another inspiration is Sister Madonna Buder, affectionately known as the Iron Nun. As a Roman Catholic religious sister and a Senior Olympian triathlete, she holds the world record for the oldest woman to finish an Ironman Triathlon at 82. Yes, you heard that right.

These two amazing people illustrate that age is just a number. And that number doesn't automatically define our quality of life. It depends somewhat on genes, but diet, exercise, and attitude play a large part. Fortunately, we have control over those things. Well, when we choose to.

It's never too late to make healthy changes that positively impact our well-being. My goals don't include mountain climbing or world records. I was never very competitive. For me, it's more about feeling well, strengthening muscles, improving balance, and hopefully dropping a few pounds.

We know the routine by now. Eat a well-balanced diet, exercise regularly, eliminate bad habits, etc. However, a few minor changes, done consistently, really can make a difference.

By the next milestone birthday, you'll be happy to celebrate the new and improved version of yourself.

And don't forget the cake. We deserve to indulge on occasion because life in moderation truly is well-lived. So, enjoy!

Your birthday is the beginning of your own personal new year... each new birthday is a chance to begin again, to start over, to take a new grip on life... It is a time to toss old hatreds, resentments, grudges, and fears into the wastebasket of life, a time to forgive and forget, a time to stretch your soul... It is a time to dust off your dreams and shine up your ideals. ~Wilferd A. Peterson, "The Art of Renewal"

If you don’t have time for a homemade-from-scratch cake, here’s Southern Living’s winner for the Best BOXED White Cake mix.

Thanks for reading Life Matters! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lifematters.substack.com

View Details

self-realization

[ self-ree-uh-luh-zey-shuhn ]

noun

the fulfillment of one's potential.

Isn't this everyone's goal in life, to fulfill our potential and become the best version of ourselves? To tap into our specific talents and create a wonderful life, right?

But, many people never achieve it.

Maybe it's because we don't recognize what those talents are. Perhaps we don't believe we're good enough or bought into others' expectations of who we should be.

Self-realization is difficult because you have to know your authentic self first. And too many people are the products of their environments, something that changes constantly.

As youngsters, we're taught a belief system that influences our ideas about life. Then, as adolescents, we identify with our peer group and "follow the crowd," hoping to fit in. Sometimes this means rejecting what we learned at home. We then carry these experiences into adulthood, affecting who we choose as intimate partners and so many other things.

Sometimes we make bad choices that have long-lasting effects (been there, done that.)

I've gone through five distinct stages of development in my own life. I like to joke that it's taken me 50+ years to figure out who I really am. Today I'm not the person I was in those different phases; I'm a combination of them all.

I learned hard lessons, cried lots of tears, was humiliated often, fell many times, got drunk, got up, and kept going. But that's the secret to success, yes?

Fall down seven times, get up eight. ~Japanese Proverb

If only I had gotten to know myself better, sooner. I could have prioritized me over those I thought I wanted to be with. I would have been empowered to stand up for my feelings and beliefs instead of being afraid to share them.

Unfortunately, our need for approval by others often outweighs our need to be accepted by ourselves.

Accepting ourselves for who we are is the first step towards happiness. We'll naturally be drawn to like-minded people if we're honest about our life's philosophy. And it's so much more enjoyable, and productive spending time with those we actually relate to. Great minds think alike, yeah?

Of course, we're constantly evolving. Every day brings new experiences and lessons that continue to shape our growth. And growth is the key to expanding our perspectives and opinions.

However, these perspectives and opinions carry over from our formative years. As a result, they play a large part in determining what kind of adults we become.

We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it. - Rick Warren

Or, do we?

We'll remain in the dark about who we are if we choose to look at the world through only one lens. If we turn a deaf ear to another way of thinking. When we deliberately turn our backs on facts and refuse to educate ourselves beyond what we think we know.

If we had questions that our parents refused to answer, we must work to find those answers as adults. As adults, we should be thinking beyond the parameters set for us as children and never stop seeking answers and knowledge.

Knowing who we truly are helps us develop the potential within, whatever that is. This allows us to continue growing and learning about ourselves and the world. We then have an opportunity to improve areas that need it and celebrate the accomplishments we make along the way.

Knowing our authentic selves guide us towards people who share our values. Think how comfortable you feel around those who enjoy the same hobbies, politics, or religion. We feel "at home" with them, promoting closer connections and loyalty. These are the stuff of lasting relationships, whether a significant other, roommate, or friend.

However, we should be wary of people who discourage us from seeking other viewpoints and claiming to have all the answers. No one has all the answers.

Yes, opposites attract because of the fascination we feel with their contradictions to our own way of thinking and being. But they don't have much in common after the excitement wears off. The fascination turns to frustration and the contradictions become irritants.

Like-minded people stand a much better chance of going the distance and having the most satisfying and successful relationships. And that’s why we must first discover our authentic selves before we can find the tribe we truly belong with.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lifematters.substack.com

View Details

Photo by Noah Silliman

1. We learn by listening

It’s true. We learn much more by listening than talking.

Talking is the expression of our own preconceived opinions and ideas. But, listening involves hearing someone else’s thoughts and feelings.

Or does it?

It’s important to differentiate between listening and hearing because they’re not the same. Hearing indicates the ability to perceive sounds, while listening is done consciously and involves the interpretation of those sounds.

The ability to hear is a passive bodily process that occurs without any conscious effort. On the other hand, listening is an active mental process that requires a learned skill.

After taking an Interpersonal Communications course in college, I became a better listener. We learned about active listening, where the focus is on truly understanding the speaker’s message. This is accomplished through the careful observation of both verbal and non-verbal cues.

Too often begin to formulate our reply before the other person is finished talking. Failing to receive all the information prevents us from understanding the other person’s message. The meaning gets lost in our premature effort to immediately respond.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” — Stephen R. Covey

Another problem with communication is that everyone brings their worldview to the conversation. This is their perspective on politics, religion, and life in general. Our diverse cultures and unique experiences determine how we perceive people and situations and can vary greatly.

This is why active listening is crucial to clear communications. The Active Listening skillset from the Center For Creative Leadership consists of 6 parts requiring several techniques and behaviors:

Pay attention

Withhold judgment

Reflect

Clarify

Summarize

Share

Incorporating these into your communications with others can minimize misunderstandings and help you become a better listener.

Photo by Free-Photos

2. We can’t fix people

And those of us who thought we could “help” other people make dramatic and life-altering changes know this first-hand.

This type of caretaking or codependent relationship often occurs with a parent, child, significant other, or close friend.

It happens when we sacrifice our own needs for the other person. Furthermore, if that person has destructive behaviors, we’ll enable those at the expense of our well-being.

Despite our best efforts, we can’t be responsible for another’s happiness, just as they aren’t responsible for ours. Love and support are crucial to a person struggling with problems, but they must be aware of their issues and do the hard work to find resolutions.

This may involve therapy, rehab, or education, but there’s always learning involved. Understanding ourselves through honest self-reflection isn’t something another person can do for us, nor can we do for them.

Photo by MabelAmber

3. Boundaries mean freedom

That may sound contradictory, but boundaries separate one’s own life from another person and allow us to develop our independence and identity.

Without them, we fail to establish our sense of self, a necessary component for living a happy, healthy existence.

Have you ever felt so connected to another person that you don’t know where they begin and you end?

If so, you may be part of an enmeshed relationship, which often occurs with a narcissist. If that’s the case, you’ll want to find a good therapist soon.

Some signs to watch for are:

Your happiness and self-esteem are dependent on satisfying the other person.

When there is a disagreement or other problem within the relationship, you’re overcome with fear and/or anxiety.

When you’re away from the individual, you feel extremely lonely and preoccupied with thoughts of reconnection.

You mirror the emotions of the other individual.

You neglect connections with other people.

I’ve observed firsthand the damage from this type of relationship, both instances involving a narcissistic parent and child.

The dynamic begins early in life while the child is completely dependent on the parent. As the child grows, his independence should be encouraged and supported, allowing him to make decisions and mistakes.

However, narcissistic parents must be in control and see the child as an extension of themselves. Their expectations are based on what they want, not what’s best for the growing autonomy of their child.

In the case of narcissistic partners or friends, the same concept applies.

Like a fence separates our property from the neighbor’s, healthy boundaries establish the personal space vital to building positive relationships. We all have a right to our personhood without trying to conform to someone else’s ideas of who we should be.

Surrounding ourselves with people who accept our weaknesses AND strengths makes for a happier life, free of conflict and criticism.

4. True wealth = good health

Imagine finding that you hit the lottery for millions of dollars.

We’ve all done it and fantasized about how we’d spend the money.

Most people would pay off debt and set up trust funds to ensure that they and their families will never want for anything again.

And then the fun would start; luxury cars, bigger houses, and lavish vacations to plan. Our heads would be swimming with the endless opportunities and how different the rest of our lives will be.

Now imagine getting a terminal diagnosis the following day and only having six months to live.

Suddenly, the opportunities are no longer endless. Our newfound wealth can buy almost anything except the one thing we now want the most: our health. What value does a new house and car have if you only get to enjoy them for a short time? Or that dream vacation if you’re too sick to take it?

Our preferences would change a lot in these situations. Good health offers us something money can’t buy, which is time. Driving that coveted sports car is nice, but living another 40 years is far better.

So much emphasis today is placed on money and power. People are consumed with where they live, what they drive, the labels they wear, etc. What gets lost is the knowledge of what’s important: our health and relationships. Individuals with distorted value systems are generally unhappy because they’re never satisfied.

Good health is the highest form of wealth and enriches our lives in ways that a winning lottery ticket simply can’t buy.

Photo by HaseebPhotography

5. Honesty IS the best policy

In a world where alternative facts, white lies, and “spin” are becoming more acceptable, the truth is in danger of extinction. And this has a profound effect on societies and communication.

We’ve all lied; every one of us. The size and severity may vary depending on the person and circumstances, but we’re all guilty.

Whether it’s done to protect someone’s feelings or to an insurance company to collect an illicit payout, it’s still a lie. We justify the untruths in our minds, hence, lying twice.

We think that the size of the lie is in direct proportion to the cost. But, the cost of even small lies is surprisingly high and explained well in this New York Times article.

Dishonesty damages relationships with others, but it also hurts ourselves. It prevents us from the self-awareness necessary for maintaining healthy connections and dealing with reality.

Lying has a way of twisting reality and can be overt or covert. If we practice dishonesty enough, we get good at it. We can then convince ourselves and others of whatever falsehood we’re trying to sell.

But, deliberately trying to deceive other people compromises our self-esteem. We know it’s wrong.

Honesty is the best policy and the one type of insurance we all need.

6. Change is constant

There are a few things in this life that you can readily count on, but change is one of them.

Impermanence and change are thus the undeniable truths of our existence. What is real is the existing moment, the present that is a product of the past, or a result of the previous causes and actions. Because of ignorance, an ordinary mind conceives them all to be part of one continuous reality. But in truth, they are not. ~hinduwebsite.com

Interestingly, we don’t welcome change and often refuse to accept it. This resistance to change is called complex inertia and acts to maintain the body’s homeostasis.

For more detailed information, check out this Psychology Today article on why we resist change.

7. We reap what we sow

Some people call it karma.

Others say, “what goes around comes around.”

People familiar with the Bible will recognize these words of wisdom from Galatians chapter 6, verse 7:

“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.”

Regardless of which version you prefer, the meaning remains the same. Whether it’s a garden, a relationship, or a business venture, what you invest in largely determines the outcome.

Don’t expect blue-ribbon tomatoes if you aren’t regularly watering and fertilizing the plants. Celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary isn’t likely without mutual respect from both partners. Business success requires sacrifice and hard work.

Essentially, there are always consequences for our actions, and the results depend on our choices.

Too often, we focus on our expectations of people and things instead of figuring out how to improve ourselves and our efforts. We have to ask ourselves hard questions, answer truthfully, and be willing to make changes if necessary.

We must be consistent in our efforts to achieve goals. That can involve sacrifices in the short term to realize success in the long term.

This means offering honesty, mutual respect, and kindness when dealing with others. It doesn’t mean that we always agree, but how we treat others when we have conflicts will decide how others treat us under those same circumstances.

I’ve learned many lessons throughout my life, most of which fall under one of the categories listed above. Despite numerous resources available and the best efforts of people who knew better than me, I had to figure them out.

It’s too bad we’re not born with the wisdom that we spend a lifetime acquiring. It would certainly make the journey a whole lot easier.

However, it probably wouldn’t be nearly as interesting! Without the prudence learned through tough times, we couldn’t truly appreciate all the loving people and good times that do come our way.

Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward. ~Søren Kierkegaard

Thanks for reading Life Matters! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lifematters.substack.com

View Details

Photo by Bannon Morrissy on Unsplash

The Itch

With a new year still underway, I'm amazed at how much of the old one I either haven't completed or forgotten.

I suppose it's partly age. Once you're over 50, the brain doesn't easily retain things. However, I suspect some of this is by design. I distinctly remember the bad haircut my mom gave me in 1969. My Apple password? Not a chance. Selective memory is funny that way.

There was the usual mix of highs and lows in 2021. We tragically lost a beloved pet but happily welcomed a new grandchild. Last spring's vaccine rollout brought back a measure of freedom, only to be threatened again with two pandemic variants and rising case counts.

There were some pretty dark moments, but also joyful ones as well. Like all the years before it, 2022 will be no different. Such is life. Such is life with Covid. Better just strap on your seatbelt (and mask) and get ready for the ride.

So, what is it about the end of the old year that stirs my emotions? Listening to Dan Fogelberg's Same Auld Lang Syne alwaysmakes me nostalgic. But in late December, it brings me to tears.

Could it be unfinished business? You know, the projects we intended to start but didn't. The goals we set but never reached. Attempts at changes that didn't succeed.

And I'm not referring to the basement, which is still a mess from last year. Nor the number on the bathroom scale that remains rudely stagnant. It's more profound than bodyweight and organizational skills. It goes back much farther than the past year.

While I would be thrilled to lose 20 pounds and finally organize the clutter, I don't think those are the things that gnaw at me. Instead, it's something else. Like an itch that needs scratching. But I can't seem to find it.

This has been an issue for most of my adult life. A nagging feeling that something is lacking. I didn't notice it as much when working full-time and raising a family. The days were non-stop: work, school, extracurriculars, dinner, house chores, and homework. Like most other folks, I crawled into bed exhausted, happy to be there. My sleep was deep and dreamless.

However, growing older has intensified the feeling that something went missing along the way. Maybe that's because I'm not crazy busy and have more time to think and reflect. But, on the other hand, perhaps this notion was always there, just buried under a mountain of other stuff.

For example, I dropped out of college many years ago, which set me on a different life path than I planned. It caused persistent feelings of failure and doomed me to lower-paying jobs for two decades. Nevertheless, I swore that I would eventually go back to school. That goal ultimately went on my bucket list.

Years later, at the ripe old age of 50, I finally earned that college degree. Of course, working full-time while attending university part-time was no easy task. Nevertheless, after a combined seven years of coursework, spread out over sixteen years, I graduated and felt delighted (and exhausted) with the "better late than never" accomplishment.

However, after some time passed, I noticed the satisfaction wearing off and a new itch starting.

The Antidote

It took years to figure out, but I believe this feeling comes from wanting and needing to do too much. Things that accumulated over the years. Things that I'll never get to because the clock is running out.

Small stuff like homemade cards and scrapbooking projects. Don't ask how many basement boxes mentioned above contain craft supplies (I could open a small shop.) This falls under the "want and needs to do" category.

Then there are more significant projects, such as preparing my end-of-life arrangements. That falls under the "I don't want to think about it" category (for obvious reasons.)

In between are many other things I'd like to experience before I die: more time with family, books, concerts, theater, travel, classes, self-improvement, home projects, etc. And the reason I can't do them all is a lack of time.

Time is the enemy when you reach midlife and beyond. You don't think much about it before then, but it's jarring to realize how much has passed. Suddenly, all the unfinished business takes on a glaring intensity against the sound of the ticking clock.

Once we accept this fact, we can prioritize what is most important and set about getting those things done. And the way to determine that is to ask ourselves the question:

If I died unexpectedly, what unfinished business is most important? Which things do I absolutely want to finish before I go?

I doubt it's the bathroom rack still in the box waiting to be assembled. Or the old tax returns that need shredded.

It comes down to the people we have unfinished business with. Whether it's an apology, an explanation, a proclamation of love, or a life-altering conversation, this task can tie up the loose ends that keep us feeling incomplete.

And the person we have the most unfinished business with could easily be ourselves. My sense of unfulfillment had more to do with me than the junk in the basement. I wasn't living up to my expectations due to a fear of failure, reinforced by a partner with substance abuse.

Our relationships with other people either lift us or tear us down. They contribute heavily to our self-image. Negative, selfish people sap our strength and steal our sense of self-worth. Positive people help us grow and build confidence. I've learned the hard way to surround myself with the latter and avoid the former.

I realize now the itch I felt was deciding who and what takes priority in life. Trying to live according to other people's expectations is a mistake. Our happiness can't be defined by anyone but ourselves.

I found the antidote is to embrace those people and things that enrich our lives. Spending time with them strengthens these bonds and reinforces the commitments that make us better people.

We might not accomplish everything on our to-do list. But the question of who and what matters is finally answered. And only then will the unfinished business be complete.

What’s your unfinished business? “I wanted to matter.” ~Author, Kim Fielding

Thanks for reading Life Matters! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lifematters.substack.com