Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast: Recent Episodes
Sheryl Staite-Bryson
The Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast is hosted by Sheryl Staite-Bryson, health and co-parenting coach. The show offers modern perspectives on outdated beliefs for what it means to be divorced… and a mom. Episodes will offer new mindsets and grounded tools on how divorced moms can get healthy, create financial stability, and develop emotional fortitude while they master co-parenting their kids. The show helps navigate post-divorce parenting life so the knots that keep us stuck can unravel and our energy can be spent living our best lives. Sheryl is a mom, divorcee, entrepreneur and has a background in health and fitness and has worked in the legal industry for 10 years. Join the conversation and listen to shows at https://healthymomafterdivorce.com/podcast
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True or False: Once she leaves the relationship, the abuse will stop.
If you've been following me for a while, you probably know the answer to this one. It's, of course, 100% false. But unfortunately, a lot of people think this way when it comes to abusive relationships (I was one of those people too).
Yes, leaving an abusive relationship is an important step but there are many other steps that come both before and after that. One of them is understanding the kind of post-separation abuse you and your kids will likely be subject to.
So how do we know what the post-separation abuse will look like?
We look at the pre-separation abuse.
This week, in the silver position and #2 on our Listener's Choice Countdown is episode 39 originally aired March 14, 2023 called How an Abusive Relationship Works & Why Knowing is Crucial to your High-Conflict Divorce.
If you like what you heard, why not share the episode with someone you love.
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You've just started dating someone and you're smitten.
Long conversations, extravagant dates, over-the-top gestures, expensive gifts, constant 'checking in', talks of moving in together after only a few weeks...
Could be a true connection with a potential life partner. Or, it could be a predator using love bombing tactics as a trap.
So how do you know which one it is? On this week's episode I have 3 ways to help you tell. Take a listen and if you like what you hear, please share with a friend so we can spread the word.
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Communication. This topic might be the #1 thing I'm asked about by clients as a high-conflict divorce coach.
And as I dig deeper on the things that clients find the most challenging when it comes to communication, it all seems to break down into two main goals: (1) decreasing their reactivity to toxic communication from their co-parent and (2) learning how to craft effective communication that doesn't contribute to the conflict.
Achieving these goals is relatively straight forward although not always easy.
Step 1 is understanding exactly who you're dealing with (i.e. what makes them tick).
Step 2 is developing realistic expectations around your co-parenting relationship (yes, it's going to look different).
Step 3 is learning a framework to use for all communication (which takes the guesswork out of it).
And that's what this week's Listener's Choice episode is about. In at #5 on our countdown is episode 29 from January 3, 2023 called How To Protect Your Peace While Communicating With Your High-Conflict Co-Parent .
This 16-minute episode is well-worth the listen. If you prefer to read the transcript, you can find it on my website here.
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I had someone ask me a while back, ‘Sheryl, if you knew what you know now, would you still have gone through your divorce?’
I’ve been asked many versions of this question before, but I liked this one because it got me thinking about what I’ve learned. And when I learn stuff, I love sharing it with you.
When I reflected on the question, this is what I concluded: despite all the challenges (and there are many), my answer was an unequivocal yes. That said, if I had to do it all over again, there are definitely things that I would do differently and that is what inspired me to write this episode.
So let’s get to it.
In at #6 this week, is the episode from November 29, 2022 called ‘7 Things I Wish I Knew Before My High Conflict Divorce’.
Not only is this episode in the top 10 of season one, it also holds the #1 spot for first-day downloads! It’s a good one so let’s get on with it.
I'd also love to hear what you've learned so if you've got something to add, send me a DM on social or shoot me an email at sheryl@healthymomafterdivorce.com.
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We at #7 this week on our Healthy Mom After Divorce Listener's Choice Countdown.
Do you ever find yourself spinning your wheels not being able to figure out where to start on your journey to being a healthy mom after divorce?
Maybe looking after your health is just not happening. Or your co-parent is filling your kids' heads with lies about you. Or perhaps you find yourself coveting non-divorced families.
Don't worry... I did too. It's very natural... but entirely useless and a giant waste of energy.
On the latest episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce podcast, I share 5 divorced mom truths, why they are crucial to accept in order to move forward and what a neglected flower has to do with being a divorced mom.
Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/16.
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Welcome back to the Healthy Mom After Divorce Listener's Choice Countdown! We are #8 this week.
On this episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I share 3 hard truths about co-parenting, tell you why I'm so selective of the tv shows and movies I watch and talk about just how much is in our control to shape our kids' lives even if they're only with us half the time.
Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/33.
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We're at #9 this week on the Healthy Mom After Divorce Listener's Choice Countdown for season 1!
The smear campaign…
Anyone who is going through or has been through a high-conflict divorce knows exactly what this is. A high-conflict ex is going around spreading lies about you to anyone who will listen in order to (unfairly) paint you as the villain.
And maybe it isn’t just them. Maybe they even have their family or new partner doing it too.
When this happens, I know how hard it can be. The anger and the hurt at the sheer injustice of it all can be debilitating and all consuming.
On top of that, you are fighting the impulse to defend yourself. And although this is totally normal, it may end up making it worse.
So what do you do instead?
On this 31st episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk why it happens, how we all justify our behaviour (good or bad) and what we can do to be healthy moms to our kids despite it all.
Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/31
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Protecting vs. preparing. What's your instinct when it comes to your kids?
If you're like me, your instinct is to try and protect your kids from all of life's hardships, especially when it comes to their parent's divorce.
They're grappling with two, homes, conflict between their parents, shuttling back and forth, missing those they love, confusion, feelings of responsibility for things they don't control...
Our kids face a lot. And we'd like to be able to protect them from all of it, but of course we know that isn't possible. But even if it was, would it actually be best for them?
That's what this episode is all about. This week at #10 on our Listener's Choice Countdown is episode 9 from August 16, 2022 where I talk about the challenges our kids face with divorce, what we can do about it and why protecting them is not always the best option.
Find the transcript for this episode at healthymomafterdivorce.com/9.
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Welcome back to the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast Listener's Choice Countdown for season 1 where I'm counting down the top 12 episodes from the first season of the podcast.
Last week, we started with #12 on our list, an episode from July 19, 2022 called ‘My Hardest Post-Divorce Lesson’.
This week, we move on to #11 on our list.
This episode, first released last summer on August 23, 2022, is about something I think we all struggle with.
Missing special days with our kids is very painful, so much so that we often cannot imagine what our lives even look without these celebrations.
When we had kids, we created images in our minds of what these days were ‘supposed’ to look like and when those ideals are challenged by a shared parenting schedule, our very identity as a parent is threatened. And threats to our identity can leave us feeling desperate, lost and confused.
Sound familiar? Then hit play and let's get through it together.
Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/10.
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Welcome to the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast Listener's Choice Countdown for season 1 where I'm counting down the top 12 episodes from the first season of the podcast.
First up this week at #12 is episode 5 from July 19, 2022 simply called 'My Hardest Post-Divorce Lesson'.
We are starting with a really good one because this is one of the hardest lessons for all of us: we do not control anyone other than ourselves (yes, that includes your impossible co-parent).
Tough pill to swallow, I know, especially when they're doing things so clearly not in your children's best interests. So what do you do? Well that's what this episode is all about and I've got 3 steps to help you get past this frustrating reality.
Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/5.
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Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/40.
It's tax time! Well, in Canada at least...
Question... do you know the answers to these questions?
- Is the support you're receiving taxable?
- Are you able to claim your legal expenses as a tax deduction?
- What are your shares in the family business worth and what's the best way to sell them?
- What happens if your registered retirement savings after you split?
If you're not sure, that's ok. I don't either.
But there are people that do... and you need to talk to them.
On this 40th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast (and the last episode in season 1), I talk about divorce finances, why getting independent accounting advice is so important and give you a list of starter questions to ask your accountant so you can go into divorce negotiations with your eyes wide open.
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Have you spent time reflecting on what happened during your relationship?
I'm don't mean reliving all the painful moments. I mean spending time thinking about the dynamics of an abusive relationship, how an abuser operates and what made you susceptible to it in the first place.
The more you understand what happened during your relationship (when you were confused and lost), the more you will be prepared and able to predict what's coming your way through the divorce process in the form of post-separation abuse.
Last week I talked about identifying an abuser early on by recognizing phase 1 of the abusive relationship: the love-bombing phase. Take a listen to that one if you haven't had the chance yet.
On this 39th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about phase 2 of an abusive relationship, the devaluation phase, how it happens so easily (how is it poissible we miss the signs?!) and why it's so important to your ability to divorce and co-parent with your abuser.
Find the full transcript for the episode here.
Have an idea for the show? Email me at sheryl@healthymomafterdivorce.com.
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Lots of gifts, fancy dates, all-day texting, long conversations about being about 'soul mates', talking about moving in together on date 3, the relationship going at Mach-speed... It can feel amazing to connect so quickly with someone you're dating.
And although these things may be signs you two of you are head-over-heels for one another and are meant to be, it's also possible they're early indicators of a narcissitic abuser or coercive controller.
But how do you know for sure?
On this 38th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about the predictable patterns of behaviour by an abuser in the early stages of abuse, why they're so easy to miss and what you can do (and teach your kids to do) to protect yourself from ever being caught in the net.
Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/38.
The book I reference in the episode is The Gift of Fear- Survival Signals That Protect Us From Violence by Gavin de Becker.
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“But how can he do this to the kids? It just doesn’t make sense?”
Sound familiar? It’s ok, we’ve all been there.
On this 37th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I explain the cognitive bias called the Just-World Fallacy, why we have it and what we can do to free ourselves from its grips and move forward with our lives, even when the world doesn’t make sense.
00:00 – Intro
03:50 – What is the Just-World Fallacy?
06:10 – Why is it a problem?
07:13 – What strategies do we use to deal with it?
12:03 – How does knowing all this help us in our high-conflict divorce?
Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/37.
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On this 36th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I offer my thoughts on how to tell if someone is a safe person for you to share information about your abusive relationship and high-conflict divorce with, discuss 5 of the most common responses survivors hear when they do open up and provide some new perspectives to survivors and potential supporters alike.
Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/36.
00:00 – Intro
04:18 – Step 1: Start from this assumption.
05:41 – Step 2: How to tell if the person is safe for you
07:09 – Step 3: What to listen for to keep yourself safe
08:36 – Response #1: “Geez, you two always seemed like the perfect couple.”
09:55 – Response #2: “He just doesn’t seem like the type.”
12:27 – Response #3: “Why didn’t you leave sooner if he was doing that?”
14:35 – Response #4: “It must be so nice to not have your kids half the time! You get to do whatever you want. I’d love to be free from mine more.”
16:26 – Response #5: “I never thought someone like you would end up in a situation like that.”
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Transition days. They're challenging for kids and parents alike and often, transition days bring about terrible anxiety and dread.
So on this 35th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about 3 areas that you can focus on to make transition days a little bit easier on you and your kids and I share a few tools that are tangible, manageable and most importantly, within your control.
Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/35.
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On this 34th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, which is also part 3 of 3 in this series, I share 3 hard truths about acceptance and healing, why being the villain in your story might actually be a compliment and a tool I use for managing self-criticism.
Find the transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/34.
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On this episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I share 3 hard truths about co-parenting, tell you why I'm so selective of the tv shows and movies I watch and talk about just how much is in our control to shape our kids' lives even if they're only with us half the time.
Find the full transcript for this episode at healthymomafterdivorce.com/33.
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Have you radically accepted the divorce reality you live in with your high-conflict co-parent?
It’s not an easy thing to do but it is crucial to your ability to survive this period of your life.
On this 32nd episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, which is also part 1 of 3 in this series, I share 3 hard truths about the post-separation abuse, discuss radical acceptance (I mean, what does that even mean?) and share my favourite tool to help you manage your reactivity to your high-conflict co-parent’s post-separation abuse tactics.
You can find the full transcript for the episode at healthymomafterdivorce.com/32.
Work with me by going to healthymomafterdivorce.com/work-with-sheryl or sending me an email at sheryl@healthymomafterdivorce.com.
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The smear campaign…
Anyone who is going through or has been through a high-conflict divorce knows exactly what this is. A high-conflict ex is going around spreading lies about you to anyone who will listen in order to (unfairly) paint you as the villain.
And maybe it isn’t just them. Maybe they even have their family or new partner doing it too.
When this happens, I know how hard it can be. The anger and the hurt at the sheer injustice of it all can be debilitating and all consuming.
On top of that, you are fighting the impulse to defend yourself. And although this is totally normal, it may end up making it worse.
So what do you do instead?
On this 31st episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk why it happens, how we all justify our behaviour (good or bad) and what we can do to be healthy moms to our kids despite it all.
Here is the link to Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist by Ramani Durvasula, PhD referenced in the episode.
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We've all grown up with certain ideas about abuse and what we think it looks like.
If I ask you to picture what an abuser looks like, what comes to mind? How do they behave? What do they do for work?
And although some abusers may fit the description you thought of, most will not. So how do we know what is abuse and what isn't?
In this 30th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I go over 5 common misconceptions about abuse, explain the classic DARVO technique that abusers use to gaslight their victims and discuss all the things that do not cause abuse .
Here is the link to the book I reference in the episode:
Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
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Communicating with your high-conflict co-parent is not easy. And never will be.
When you think of ways to try and improve it, do they all sound like a list of things your ex could do?
You’re likely not wrong – but you’re spinning your wheels.
On this 29th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about how to get your high-conflict co-parent to communicate civilly, building healthy systems to protect your mental health and why eating chicken nuggets multiple times per week is not your kids’ worse case scenario.
Find the full transcript for this episode at healthymomafterdivorce.com/29.
Link to episode 18 referenced in the episode.
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When you and your kids are subjected to post-separation abuse by a high conflict co-parent, it's so easy to internalize their behaviour.
When your kids come home with stories of their father's rage, anger, erratic behaviour and abuse, its easy for them to think it's because of something they did.
"I talked back, Mom. That's why dad threw out my favourite shirt."
"I took the iPad without asking, Mom. That's why dad threw it across the room."
"I got into a fight at school, Mom. That's why dad called me such a bad word."
Maybe you recognize this line of thinking in yourself too. At its core, our internal narrative sounds something like this:
"It must've been something I did. I'll do better next time and he'll stop the abuse."
But that simply isn't the case. The reality is, the abuse isn't about us or our kids.
Culpability for abuse lies solely and entirely with the abuser.
On this 28th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about who is responsible for our behaviour, natural consequences to our choices, grocery store confrontations and why an abuser is abusive (spoiler: it's not because of you).
Find the full transcript for this episode at healthymomafterdivorce.com/28.
Link to Episode 26 referenced in this episode.
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Post-separation abuse affects many parts of mom’s life but one that is often overlooked is the impact on her job.
She could be getting constant harassing phone calls or text messages while at work. Maybe she has to leave early or show up late to accommodate unpredictable behaviour by her co-parent.
She may have to take time off to prepare legal materials and attend Court. Or he may even be waiting for her outside her workplace to engage her after she leaves.
On this episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about post-separation financial abuse, how it shows up at a workplace, what the victim can do and the role her employer needs to play to help her get through it all.
Read the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/27.
Episode 26 - 6 Types Of Abuse And How They Show Up During Your Marriage & After Separation
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One of the most common misconceptions is that once a victim leaves an abusive relationship, the abuse stops.
Unfortunately, that could not be further from the truth.
In fact, immediately after separation, the abuse often gets worse. Much worse. But even after that initial uptick, the abuse often continues for years especially if the victim has to co-parent with their abuser.
The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. If someone was abused in their marriage, odds are they will be subject to abuse post-separation.
But how do you know if you were abused in your marriage? You may be thinking that if you weren't physically assaulted you must not have been abused but that is not the case.
On this 26th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I go through 6 types of abuse, the tricky (and not-so-tricky) ways they manifest within a marriage and how your abuser can continue to use the same tactics to (try to) control you long after you've left.
Read the full transcript for this episode at healthymomafterdivorce.com/26.
Link to Dr. Christine Marie Cocchiola's website.
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It's the holiday season!
I don't know about you but I love this time of year. There's the social events, the concerts and shows, the family time, the twinkly lights, the giving of gifts... It's one of my favourite seasons.
But if you're co-parenting with a high-conflict person, this time of year can also bring additional challenges. There may even be times you dread this time of year because of the conflict that exists between you.
I get it. And your co-parent will behave how they will behave. But I am here to tell you there are things you can do to make your life and your kids' lives easier.
On this 25th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about the additional challenges of navigating the holiday season with a high-conflict co-parent and share 5 strategies that you can implement to make this time of year run that little bit smoother.
Find the full transcript for this episode at healthymomafterdivorce.com/25.
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High-conflict divorce + high-conflict co-parenting = a very tricky situation.
Whether you’re about to embark on your divorce journey, are right in the thick of it or have settled in to post-divorce co-parenting life, this episode has got something for you.
Having a relationship with a person like this presents a whole new set of challenges that only someone who has lived it will understand. And I don’t mean just the romantic part. Your relationship with this person will change and evolve but when you are co-parents, it will always exist in some form or another.
And that’s what today’s episode is all about.
On this 24th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about my early divorce expectations (spoiler: I had no idea what I was getting into) and the 7 things I think any mom divorcing and co-parenting with a high-conflict person should know for today and every day after.
Find the full transcript for this episode at healthymomafterdivorce.com/24.
Links to the two podcast episodes referenced in this episode:
3: When Being a Healthy Mom Has Nothing To Do With Your Kids
6: 5 Steps to Protect Your Mental Health From Toxic Communication With Your Ex
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Remember the good ol’ days?
You know… the times in your marriage that were positive and brought you joy and happy memories. The times when life was good.
And the same times that make you doubt your decision to ever get divorced in the first place.
But wait… what about the other memories? The ones that have the pain, the sadness, the loneliness, the fear.
Where are those when you’re reminiscing about your married life?
On this 23rd episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about generational differences, corporal punishment and moving on in our divorced, co-parenting lives.
Find the full transcript for this episode at healthymomafterdivorce.com/23.
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You and your kids are sitting there watching a movie and the main character is in the middle of a conflict. They are working their way out of it in the worst of ways. Totally face-palm worthy.
As painful as that is to watch, from your comfy position on the couch you know what the better way to deal with the issue would have been.
And this, healthy mama, is your superpower.
On this 22nd episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about the media our kids consume, the great (and not-so-great) characters they showcase and the simple tool you can use to find the path through the challenges you face in divorced, co-parenting life.
Find the full transcript for this episode at healthymomafterdivorce.com/22.
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If you’re like me, when you became a mom, it became a defining moment for you. Everything changed and you have never been the same.
You are proud of being a mom and would do anything for your kids. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you are a mom.
Then stuff hit the fan and you got divorced. You’ve hit the reset button and split everything up, including parenting time.
In one fell swoop, you went from full-time parent to part-time parent. Problem is, no one told your full-time mom instinct. And it doesn’t abide by your part-time parenting schedule.
Ever since your children came into your life, your mind, heart and body permanently embedded themselves in the mom-frame. Everything you experience gets viewed through the mom lens… and that’s never going to change.
And because of that, there comes a lot of uncomfortable feelings when your children are not with you.
Guilt. Shame. Sadness. Anger. Despair. Impatience. Hopelessness. Worry.
I get it. Me too.
So I want to ask you this: who are you outside of being a mother?
Not sure? That’s ok. It’s not an easy question to answer but it’s worth exploring.
On this 21st episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about the struggle with the full-time mom/part-time parent paradox, how you start to reconcile with yourself and how you already have everything you need to love life again.
Can’t listen? Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/21.
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Find the full transcript here.
Karma.
We all know what this is and it often comes to mind when someone has wronged us.
To balance the scales of justice, we hope that the universe delivers to them what we think they have coming. And we think that we'll feel better once it does.
But I challenge you to think again.
On this episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk talk about why we find 'comfort' in karma, why its fool's gold when it comes to our healing and where our personal peace actually comes from.
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Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/19.
You’re getting a divorce.
Crap.
You never thought you’d be here. You never expected this. This new reality is filled with unknowns, fear, shame and conflict.
Your kids are in pain and confused. Friends are picking sides.
Family doesn’t know what to do to help. The bills are piling up.
School moms are whispering. Your ex is smearing your name.
You are angry, scared and fumbling your way through one of the most challenging situations someone can go through.
I remember how hard it was. So, I want to offer a beacon of light. A framework to ground you and give you focus at a time when everything is blurry.
In this 19th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I share my 3-step process that is the foundation of becoming a healthy mom after divorce, why it’s so important and how it might just be the guideposts you were looking for.
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Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/18.
I love to read.
For many years, fiction was always my first choice. But, after my divorce, everything changed.
My life had been flipped on its head and I felt so out of control. And as the days and weeks and months dragged on and the conflict worsened, I found myself increasingly lost and searching for answers.
What was happening to my family and why couldn’t I make it better?
So, I turned to the bookshelf.
These days, I have switched to mostly non-fiction (unless, of course, I am sitting on a beach somewhere… then pass me some John Grisham).
For me, learning has always been the perfect antidote to worry and anxiety. I can ground myself in facts rather than float around in the stories I make up in my head. It allows me to regain a sense of control over my mind.
On this 18th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I share 5 must-read books if you’re co-parenting with a high-conflict person, how these books were lifesavers at one of the lowest times of my life and how it does not always take two to tango.
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Find the full transcript at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/17.
Download my free guide 4 Ways to Get Healthy, Create Financial Stability and Develop Emotional Fortitude While Becoming a Master Co-Parent here.
Life always feels to short to fit it all in, doesn't it? There's so many things we want to do and experience before we leave this planet.
And once we have kids, a whole new world of exciting things to experience opens up for us . But we know they won't be kids forever so we try to do as much as we can in the time we have.
But throw divorce and shared parenting into the mix and now the pressure is really on to maximize our time with our kids and be the 'fun' parent.
But is it really necessary? Is being the 'fun' parent all of the time really what builds your relationship with them?
In this 17th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce, I talk about missed opportunities, less-than-ideal travel experiences and choose-your-own-adventure books (remember those?).
Find the full transcript for this episode at healthymomafterdivorce.com/16.
Do you ever find yourself spinning your wheels not being able to figure out where to start on your journey to being a healthy mom after divorce?
Maybe looking after your health is just not happening. Or your co-parent is filling your kids' heads with lies about you. Or perhaps you find yourself coveting non-divorced families.
Don't worry... I did too. It's very natural... but entirely useless and a giant waste of energy.
On the latest episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce podcast, I share 5 divorced mom truths, why they are crucial to accept in order to move forward and what a neglected flower has to do with being a divorced mom.
Download my free guide 4 Ways to Get Healthy, Create Financial Stability and Develop Emotional Fortitude While Becoming a Master Co-Parent.
Find the full transcript for the episode at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/15. Click here to watch the TikTok video I reference in the episode**.
We are all very familiar with the feeling of guilt. And when it comes to our kids and being a mom, that feeling can be exponentially worse.
As a divorced mom, you constantly strive to put your kids first and act in their best interests. But sometimes you miss the mark (that's ok - me too).
So when that pit in your stomach creeps in, it's natural to you say to yourself:
"Oh I feel so guilty".
But I want to ask you: are you sure in those moments it's actually guilt you're feeling?
In this 15th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about the inescapable guilty feelings associated with being a divorced mom, how it might not actually be guilt you're feeling and what to do about it either way.
Download my free guide 4 Ways to Get Healthy, Create Financial Stability and Develop Emotional Fortitude While Becoming a Master Co-Parent****.
Schedule your complimentary 45-minute Discovery Call with me here**.
Find the full transcript for the episode at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/14**.
Download my free guide 4 Ways to Get Healthy, Create Financial Stability and Develop Emotional Fortitude While Becoming a Master Co-Parent****.
Schedule your complimentary 45-minute Discovery Call with me here**.
"It's not fair!"
**When something happens to you that you don't like or someone treats you poorly, do you find this is one of your thoughts?
Do you find yourself saying it to other people when describing what happened?
If so, you are certainly not alone. It is natural and very common. But just because something is natural and common doesn't mean it's helpful or healthy.
Whether or not we perceive something as 'fair' or 'not fair' is actually irrelevant, completely useless and actually, kind of entitled on our part.
So what do you do?
On this 14th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I explain my three reasons for letting go of the notion of 'fairness', how none of us really deserve anything and my reframe that can free you from the victim mentality and move you into peace.**
Find the full transcript for this episode at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/13.
Let's talk fantasies. The co-parenting kind.
I am guessing we are all in the same boat: we'd all love to be in a friendly, amicable co-parenting situation with our ex-partner. For some, this may be reality. But for most, it simply isn't possible.
But how long do you hang on to the hope, grasping at the elusive fantasy that this will someday be the case for you and your ex? For many people, the answer is for way too long.
The good news? There are other options.
On the 13th episode of the Healthy Mom After DivorcePodcast, I talk about lottery tickets, Cadillacs and what the heck those have to do with the best co-parenting plan for you and your kids.
Book a 45-min complimentary Discovery Call with Sheryl here.
Book a 90-min one-on-one Stability Session with Sheryl here.
Find the full transcript for this episode at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/12.
Starting the day with a good breakfast, packing a healthy lunch, preparing well-balanced meals, always have water available. We know how it goes.
And when it comes to our kids, us divorced moms have it dialed in. But what about when it comes to us?
On this 12th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I discuss healthy eating habits, how easy it is for us to set them for our kids and how quickly the double standard shows up when it comes to doing it for ourselves.
Exercise.
We all know we should make it a regular part of our daily lives. But finding the motivation to push ourselves past the I-don’t-wannas is hard.
If you’re like me, the physical benefits are not always enough to get me going. So when the fitness industry tries to market health and fitness to me this way, I zone out.
That got me thinking … what if there was a way to align my priorities with exercise and health? That would be a way to get me to buy in.
Guess what? There is.
On this 11th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I share my background in the health and fitness industry, the lessons I have learned on my health journey, what exercise means to me as a healthy mom after divorce and how it’s not about my pant size.
Find the full transcript at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/11.
Celebrating special occasions with family and friends is fun and super important to most of us.
But, if you are divorced and have a shared parenting schedule, you might not always be able to do this. Your kids are with their other parent part of the time and if that time happens to fall over your kids’ birthday, Christmas, Hallowe’en or any other special day, it might mean you miss out.
It’s not fair and it sucks. But if your co-parent is not willing to share the day with you, there is likely nothing you can do about it.
Or so you think…
On this 10th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I discuss accepting what we cannot change, reframing these ‘missed’ events, pivoting to focus on what we can control, then celebrating anyways.
Find the full transcript for this episode at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/10.
As moms, we are wired to protect our kids. It's our #1 instinct, we are good at it and most of all, we like doing it.
And as divorced moms, it feels like there's even more to protect them from since divorce can bring a bunch of extra stress and challenges. Two homes, conflict between their parents, shuttling back and forth, missing those they love, confusion, feelings of responsibility ... the list goes on and on.
But is there ever a time when we need to move away from just trying to protect them from all the hard things? It's a hard question to answer, I know.
In this 9th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about the challenges our kids face with divorce, what we can do about it and why protecting them is not always the best option.
Find the full transcript for this episode at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/9.
That conflict between you and your ex? It’s their fault, right?
And that snacking habit you can’t break? It’s how you were raised.
And all that money you haven’t saved? You just don’t get paid enough.
Ah yes, and all those bad dates you’ve been on? Must be the city you live in.
Hmmm. I challenge you to think again.
In this 8th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about my family vacation, horses and what they have to do with us divorced moms taking responsibility for ourselves.
Find the full transcript at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/8.
No one has kids to see them half of the time. But this is a reality for a lot of us divorced moms.
And when we see other families where this is not the case, where the parents and children are all one big ‘happy’ family, we get hit with the undeniable pangs of envy.
In this 7th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about this inevitable envy, the lies it’s rooted in and why your family is not broken.
Find the full transcript for this episode at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/7.
Triggering and toxic communication from your ex.
Not every divorced mom has to deal with this but sadly, a lot of us do. And it can range from subtle digs to outright cruelty. I know I have dealt with the full spectrum and maybe you have too.
On this 6th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I share the 5 steps I take to insulate myself from the negative effects of toxic communication from my ex and have my mental health at the top of my priority list so I can focus on what matters the most to me (spoiler alert: that’s my kids).
Find the full transcript for this episode at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/6.
Hard lessons.
Most of us have experienced them and I think we can all agree, they are not comfortable. In fact, they outright suck. If you're like me, you fight them, rail against them and often refuse to accept them. Trust me, I get it.
But perhaps that resistance is telling you something. Maybe that lesson isn’t supposed to be ignored.
Hard lessons shine a light on something you don’t want to see which is never easy. But perhaps these lessons are blessings in disguise and are the ones that teach you the most.
On this 5th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn since my divorce, why it’s so important and how I work to never forget it.
Find the full transcript for this episode at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/5.
Find the full transcript for this episode at healthymomafterdivorce.com/4.
The post-divorce haters.
Most of us divorced moms have them: the ex, their new partner, the ex-folks-in-law, ex-friends … They are all around. And they love to come out of the woodwork even more when we put ourselves out there after our divorce.
They criticize, they judge and are sometimes outright nasty to us. To make matters worse, there are even times when our kids have front-row seats to the chaos.
- Get a new job? They tell you how unqualified you are.
- Hire a lawyer to help? You’re accused of being litigious and a gold-digger.
- Start your own business? They laugh and tell you you’ll fail.
- New haircut? They accuse you of being vain.
- New relationship? They say you’re selfish and hurting the kids.
- A change in your lifestyle? They call you fake.
So what do you do? How do you find a way to live your life and move forward making the best decisions for you and your kids knowing that the haters will always be there, lurking in the shadows, hurdling insults, casting doubts and chipping away at your already-fragile-post-divorce ego?
On this 4th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about who these people are, why they can be so toxic and what you can do to keep on carrying on (and thriving!) despite them.
Listen at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/4 or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Connect with me on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram.
www.healthymomafterdivorce.com
Find the full transcript for this episode at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/3.
Ok so maybe you already know this about me … or maybe you don’t. I am a health nut. And the reason I am so passionate about health is because it feels like an untapped resource for most of us. Let me explain.
When you ask most people about what it means to be a good mom, you usually get the same sort of answers:
- Being a good mom means putting your kids first.
- Being a good mom means showing up to every game.
- Being a good mom means being available to your kids.
- Being a good mom means giving them healthy food.
All fine. All true.
BUT … do you notice a common theme there? Most of the typical responses have to do with what moms are doing directly FOR their kids.
As divorced moms, this tendency to just focus on what the kids need is amplified. We are wearing so many hats that doing anything for ourselves feels selfish and wrong.
And there’s nothing wrong with focusing on the kids. In fact, we should all endeavour to do these things.
But what I am here to talk about is how to be a good mom in a way that is not directly FOR your kids, but instead, directly for YOU and, consequently, indirectly for your kids.
We hear over and over: put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.
When’s the last time you thought about looking after your kids in the framework of looking after you first?
When we are running around, putting out fires, packing lunches (every. single. day.), racing kids around to practices and games, bringing in a paycheck to buy groceries and pay the bills, wiping their tears when they are struggling at school, we are taking care of them in a direct way. We are putting on their oxygen mask.
But are you wearing YOUR oxygen mask?
I’d like to share with you what my mask looks like. It looks like this:
- healthy eating
- regular exercise
- at least 7 hours of sleep/night
- daily reading
- lots of water
- meditation
- taking the time to decompress when needed
- just sitting down for a few minutes and being with my thoughts
If I don’t do these things for myself, I have no fuel left. Nothing else to give. I have low energy, I feel uncomfortable, my patience is low … and my fuse is short. I don’t know about you but that’s not how I want to show up for my kids.
I feel like most moms agree with this in general. They see the merits of looking after themselves and know it’s a good idea. But where most people get tripped up is having the time.
If I ask just about anyone why they aren’t doing these healthy habits, the answer is almost always: I don’t have the time.
On this episode, I will share with you how I overcome this barrier and how you can too.
Find the full transcript of this episode at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/2.
As a divorced mom, you certainly have to face some of the most difficult times of your life. Early on, every choice you have to make feels so heavy because you really don’t know what you’re doing.
If you’re like me, you worry that you haven’t thought of something, or that you missed a salient detail or maybe you even start descending into a rabbit hole of worst case scenarios for all the decisions you do make.
As a newly divorced mom, you need to figure stuff out like where you’re going to live, how much money you need to make, how to protect your kids as best you can, how to divide up assets and how you’re going to co-parent with your ex. You may even be having to deal with mediators and lawyers and court dates – and you’re supposed to do all of this stuff while in this heightened emotional state!
You know that advice we’ve all heard a million times: don’t go to the grocery store when you’re hungry. It makes sense because if you do, your food decisions move away from the healthy produce section and into the indulgent cookie aisle …
Similarly, making big decisions during your divorce at a time when you’re particularly stressed and anxious is not a good idea. But in a cruel twist of fate, you often don’t have a choice – a lot of these pivotal decisions HAVE to be made shortly after splitting up regardless of whether or not you are in an emotionally stable place.
And the decisions can feel never-ending. Every time you figure something out, five more things pop up. Or maybe, figuring things out takes way longer than it needs to because your ex just won’t agree or keeps moving the goal posts.
So, how do you get through this?
How do you find the energy to get up every day and do it all over again: read more emails, have more negotiations and attend more meetings, all while meeting the emotional and physical needs of your kids?
How do you ground yourself when a life that has some semblance of equilibrium and peace feels entirely out of reach?
During those moments, and there were many, I would say to myself: This too shall pass.
Now, I know this may sound too simple, so simple it almost makes you go, well of course it will, Sheryl. But, remember that is you cognitively responding to it in this moment as you listen to me. Consider it at the height of emotional charge, moments when you don’t think you can make one more decision, meet with one more lawyer, go to court one more time or view one more possible apartment rental, this mantra can really help.
It honours your difficult feeling in them moment, then offers the comfort of the future when it will have passed.
When you need to get through another day, a day that feels a lot like yesterday did and feels a lot like what tomorrow will be, close your eyes, take a breath and say to yourself: this too shall pass.
Trust yourself and trust that this season of your divorce will pass. Divorce can bring on so many emotions, particularly pain as we grieve the loss of the life we had and the future we thought would be but remember, as the chaplain said, life will never be the same again, but you won’t always feel like you do right now.
Use these words to find comfort and a sense of groundedness and levelheadedness as you wake up once again tomorrow to take on another day, make the best choices you can and be the woman and mother you aspire to be.
It will pass so don’t give up.
Find the full transcript for this episode at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/1.
Not only do we have to figure out what to say to our kids when they talk about their big goals and dreams that sound impossible to us, we have to do it while running up against outdated beliefs about how to get there. This is particularly true for our daughters.
As moms, we need to resist these outdated beliefs and start talking to our kids early about how THEY are at the helm of their ship. They do not need someone else and being in a relationship is truly a choice, not a necessity.
As their mom, share ideas and tools and strategies – even just them KNOWING that their mom truly believes they can get what they want without the help of a partner will move them in that direction despite other influences they will encounter and that you can’t control.
So, when your kids bring up dreams for their future, embrace it, even if it’s hairbrained. Use it as an opportunity to learn more about them and talk about how they go about achieving it, in an age-appropriate way of course – you can’t talk to your 5-year-old like you talk to your 16-year-old.
Ask them questions. Get them to expand and be genuinely curious, even if they idea sounds impossible to you. Make it totally normal to want big, crazy things. Use language like:
- That is really interesting. Tell me more.
- Wow, what an impressive idea. Where did you get the inspiration for that?
- I wonder if the library has any books on that – I’d love to learn more.
As they get older and are getting closer to making tangible decisions about where to live or careers to have or schools to enroll in or places to travel, dig a little deeper:
- Who do you know who’s already doing this?
- I wonder if you could talk to them and see if they have any insights.
- So, what do you think is the next step on making this happen?
- What do you need to know right now to move you towards this?
I have learned that as soon as we, as parents, look down on these types of things, nothing good comes out of it. Children don’t feel heard or supported or can feel dumb for bringing it up or grow up believing they can’t do more.
Looks for ways to support, like the bumpers on the bowling lane; not a blockade in the middle of it. If the ball veers off track, the bumpers gently guide the ball back to the middle of the lane, often more than once, before it reaches the pins.
Bumpers sound like genuine curiosity. Starting with the words “I wonder…” is a beautiful tool. You can sneak suggestions in this way without sounding like you are telling them what to do – it fosters little redirections or paths to consider, not criticism.
- I wonder how people get started on that career path.
- I wonder who we know that may have travelled there – maybe they know the best places to go.
- I wonder what the best websites are for this stuff.
And maybe your kids go forward and flop anyway. Maybe they don’t knock down any pins when they throw those first few bowling balls downs the lane. That’s ok. It never feels good when your kid fails but it really is ok. The bowling balls always come back and you get another shot. And with every shot, you get better. You hit the bumpers less and eventually, you don’t need the bumpers. You start knocking down pins and maybe even getting strikes.
But without those bumpers early on, it may have been gutter ball after gutter ball and for a lot of us, it means we stop throwing the ball altogether.
Be the bumpers to your kids’ dreams, ideas and goals. Let them think big, encourage it, gently redirect them forward to think independently and strategize and believe in themselves.
Welcome to the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast.
Start with an education in health and fitness and add a 10-year career in the legal industry. Then sprinkle on some passion for being the best mom possible and top it off with a healthy dose of resistance to the status quo. What you get is me, Sheryl Staite-Bryson, mom, entrepreneur and health nut who has reinvented her life to become a health and co-parenting coach for moms like you.
Oh, and one more thing – I’m also divorced.
On this show, I will challenge outdated beliefs about divorce, offer modern perspectives and provide practical tools so you can navigate post-divorce parenting life which as we all know means a lot more than making sure your kids get to school on time.
My divorce would have been described as anything but amicable but that didn’t stop me from learning how to show up for me, my children and my family to create the life I always wanted.
I am confident you can have the life that you want too, and your divorce, the very thing that feels like your biggest hurdle to get there, might actually end up being your superpower.
I’m so excited you’re here so grab a cup of coffee and join me as we dive into conversations about getting healthy, creating a life of financial stability, and developing emotional fortitude while we master co-parenting our beautiful kids.
Find out more about me and what else I have to offer at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com.