Life Workshop: Recent Episodes
Mohammed
Podcast host Mohammed Nazari enlightens you on the forgotten basics of life. Structured around the system of 20 - 80, where 20% of the work in life will get you 80% of the enjoyment... Mo is joined by his co-host ...
Chinese save 45 percent of their income vs Americans only saving 5 percent,
We are slaves of our habits. Change your habits to a better one.
We often buy emotionally and justify rationally.
Why does the word splurge means spending money vs having fun, going for a walk, getting together with friends and other healthier choices?
Every dollar you save and invest doubles Every 10 yrs.
Meaning in 10 years it will double,
in 20 years will be 4 times as much
In 30 years will be 8 times as much
in 40 years will be 16 times as much
In 50 years will be 32 times as much
Yes, every dollar saved and invested at age 20 equates to $32 when you are 70 years old
If your happiness depends on stuff you need help.
Q: What are the expenses you can eliminate that won't affect your lifestyle?
Some say you don't have to worry about saving since you might be dead by tomorrow. My question is, have you died over the past several years :) Most likely you won't be dead for the next several years as well. These are simple stats.
There are a lot of good videos online about how to save. In this podcast I would like to get you thinking on making your own ways of saving. Helping you figure out how to fish rather than providing you with the fish.
Often regardless of how little or a lot you make, you will end up saving or spending it all because of your own set of thoughts. Yes it is primarily a set of thoughts.
To some the meaning of "afford" is the ability to pay the installments, to me is if you can pay it off cash without affecting your lifestyle.
I am not sure how we have come up with terms such as "I deserve the luxury", "treat yourself", "splurge', "paying for the convenience". Does it make sense to pay so much for the little extra convenience and splurge?
If you are the target of gossip:
1. Ask the news bearer to stop the gossiper from gossiping and ask the gossiper to come to you. Help the news bearer to be a gossip stopper with all the steps above.
2. Then ask for details and the exact words that were said behind your back, and facts, versus the news bearer's version of the facts.
In order to bond we need a common enemy, but it doesn't have to be a person, it can be an ideology or problem, eg; the behavior of the gossiper and not the gossiper as a whole person.
We often like to be a part of a group because we often feel superior as a group, but inferior as an individual.
What gets rewarded gets repeated. Don't reward the gossiper.
We overestimate our abilities and underestimate other people's abilities. When we see a flaw in others, we often blame the whole person, but when it comes to our own flaws we often say that was just a mistake. That's why we can contempt others.
How not to get hurt when you are the victim?
You can't control others, but you can control you and your feelings. The way you think dictates the way you feel.
You can ask the gossiper as to why they said what they said and welcome them to come directly to yourself. Help them stop gossiping. Steps are mentioned in the previous episode.
There are 3 types of people: People who talk about people, people who talk about the news and people who talk about ideas.
You can't consume gossip without bias and the presumption of your own experience.
First and foremost important is to find out why one gossips:
Is it to help/inform you about the absent person,
Is it out of jealousy and want to ruin them,
Is he/she simply venting and may not mean everything they say.
Is it for the sake of entertainment and wanting to connect with you by talking about the absentee.
Is it because we are focused on others, not ourselves. Seeing others' drama to forget our own drama. Feeling better about ourselves by seeing others broken
Or simply they like Chios and drama.
If we are not open to accepting feedback may contribute to becoming a gossip victim and if we do not feel comfortable to express ourselves directly may force us into becoming a gossiper. Since after all at times we can't keep everything to ourselves and need to vent.
Can you imagine if you speak our thoughts? That would be a disaster. At times we share some of them with a few others, venting. This is why as a listener we may have to simply listen to the gossip and leave it there. They may just need a listening ear.
How to stop the gossiper:
Tell the gossiper that I'm gonna tell the absentee what you told me
Tell them to talk to the absentee instead of talking about them
Say something good about the absentee and ask the gossiper to do the same
Ask for facts and details. This doesn't stop the gossip but helps to be more realistic and factual versus allowing the gossiper to talk about their understanding/version of the facts
Help them to talk about something else.
If the gossiper has some valid concerns about the absentee, let's focus on solving the problem versus just venting. Eg how can you help the absentee to change and adopt a better behavior. Addressing the behavior of the absentee and not just talking and complaining about the absentee with no solution is mind.
Education is the foundation, experience is topping. For further improvement we need further education first.
For making decisions in a field where there are no studies or stats to help me make the right choice, I follow this principle: I do not kiss ass because I need to, I do not kick ass because I can. I do it because it's right. After all we will never know the consequences of our decisions. That is why I prefer to have my intentions right.
At times we have to set goals to meet eg have to catch a flight you need to be on time otherwise you miss the flight. Other times there is no need to force yourself into a tight schedule and rather you need to change behavior and keep going, e.g. losing weight. The most important thing is the behavior change. as long as you see weight loss is happening in a reasonable way.
Should you follow what you like or what you are good at?
"liking or passion" are feelings and can be changed at any time. But on the other hand some of our abilities are simply due to how our brain is wired e.g. being good at memorizing stuff or understanding math and algebra, or hands on traits. We can't change these inherited traits as easy.
How to decide what kind of job/profession to do:
1. What does your favorite job look like? How much income, shift work, is there a need for it or there are no jobs for it, working alone or with others, possibility of being self employed, traveling, desk job or physical, do you have to move to different cities or countries, can it be part time, dangerous or safe (eg police or firefighter, climbing)
2. separate them to absolute yes and no's and maybes. The things that are absolute deal breakers that you would never ever do or the ones that you really want in a job. and of course there are some maybes, where you may have a preference but not a deal breaker.
3. Type of jobs that meet the above criteria, eg carpentry, engineering, medical field
First one should decide what's their main purpose in life, a "mission statement", then the smaller goals can be aligned to get there.
I hope the main purpose in life is to have a good life, be happy. In that case the following are some of the main contributors to happiness: Income ($85,000.00 yearly/household income), health, social connections, purpose, daylight, vitamin B6 and fatty fish, exercise (aerobic more than strengthening), gratitude, sleep, laughter/smile.
A bad structure is better than no structure. Then at least you'll know what to fix and change.
There is time and place where we should go with the flow and not stick with our plans.
Review your life from time to time otherwise you can get sidetracked easily. To make sure you are addressing your weakest link. Remember your weakest link keeps changing and there is always a weakest link.
What are the things that kill your passion:
1. When you say "I don't care".
2. When you don't get good at something and don't succeed. Success fuels passion more than passion fuels success.
3. Lack of need. When you start feeling comfortable with where you are in life. You may need to create a new goal.
To live a life full of meaning and value, often, you don't follow your passion, you become passionate about your life
At times, instead of trying to find what you like, try to find how to like what you have. Change you before changing your environment.
Q: Do you care about your job, cooking, exercise, problem solving and your social skills or do you say "I don't care?" Are you ready to change your set of thoughts?
You are not born with passion, you create passion.
Don't find your passion, learn how to become passionate about the things that make your life better.
What do we need to get passionate about? The things we NEED in life, such as work, cooking, cleaning, exercise, dealing with people, problem solving, physical and mental health, social skills, etc.
At times we make our small problems appear as serious problems, since we don't have any serious problems, sometimes called "first world problems". I believe this is one main reason in rich countries we have more depression and anxiety while we have less things to stress about. While in poor countries there is less depression and anxiety although they have a lot more stress.
Q: What are the things that you need to be passionate about to make your life better? eg your job, cooking, cleaning, problem solving, social skills, exercise,
Passion is what you want to do vs what you have to do.
If passion takes control of you, it's an addiction. Passion should make life better. Toxic passion damages your life more than improving it.
Passion is the spice of life. Life without passion is like food with no flavor, blah!
If you get better at something there are more chances you become passionate about it. but if you are passionate about something but not good at it, more likely you will lose your passion
Make sure what you are passionate about adds to your life more than it takes away.
You just don't find your passion, you create your passion. So make it something that helps you not ruin you. Passion is not a plan, it's a feeling, don't plan your life on feelings.
Q: What is your passion? Does it make your life better or worse?
Some examples of making wrong connections: party with drinking, party or drinking with having a good time.
At times we draw conclusions from extraordinary situations, not the most common ones. I say we should draw conclusion from the rules or exceptions to the rule. What happens most often vs what happened in one case scenario.
I believe the root cause of drawing quick conclusions is that we want an answer and we make it a quick one, instead of saying "I don't know" and be okay with that. And the Simple solution to all this is "ask questions".
Generalization at times is correct but be prepared to be proven wrong
Q: Are you ready to ask more questions and not having an answer, accepting "we don't know" and be okay with that?
At times we make mistakes e.g. driving into the garage door and call ourselves or others Stupid although it is a mistake or Accident. Wrong wordings result in wrong conclusions and wrong feelings. The most simple way to avoid making wrong conclusions is asking questions versus trying to come up with a random answer. What would happen if we didn't have answers for most questions?
Life would go on and we would stay more Curious to find the correct answer vs coming up with a wrong answer, drawing wrong conclusions and stop being curious. I would recommend you to google "Yes Ladder" and read to watch some videos.
When some salespeople warm you up with getting some yes's on unrelated subjects, then throw their request and get you to agree. Where there is no correlation between the sentences.
Q: Do you think we need to have an answer for any question or make one up or simply say "I don't know more often"?
At times we make mistakes e.g. driving into the garage door and call ourselves or others Stupid although it is a mistake or Accident. Wrong wordings result in wrong conclusions and wrong feelings.
The most simple way to avoid making wrong conclusions is asking questions versus trying to come up with a random answer. What would happen if we didn't have answers for most questions? Life would go on and we would stay more Curious to find the correct answer vs coming up with a wrong answer, drawing wrong conclusions and stop being curious.
I would recommend you to google "Yes Ladder" and read to watch some videos. When some salespeople warm you up with getting some yes's on unrelated subjects, then throw their request and get you to agree. Where there is no correlation between the sentences.
Q: Do you think we need to have an answer for any question or make one up or simply say "I don't know more often"?
It is true that when ice cream sales go up we have more shark attacks. This is because they occur during the warmer months. However the correlation between the two has nothing to do with the causation that the shark attacks are because of the ice cream sale. We make the exact same mistake in other aspects of life. E.g. we call people of a certain race or gender criminals, terrorists or bad drivers.
Where the reason is not the race, there is no specific gene in that specific race or gender that causes the outcome and rather it is due to the culture, upbringing, economy and so on. Wrong conclusions results in wrong actions and feelings.
Q: Do you make this type of mistake and how do you want to solve it? My suggestion is simply ask more questions or say "I don't know" the reason but not draw a wrong conclusion.
Your game becomes better when you play with a good player. When you speak clearly or ask more detailed questions, you encourage the other party to be more clear as well.
Although there can be some truth to the generalizations we make, we should always be ready to be proven wrong.
Do the right thing regardless of the consequences. After all, we may be correct for the first or 2nd generation of the outcome, but we won't know the final outcome ever.
When we speak inaccurately we think and conclude inaccurately, making life complicated
Key to success of a business: 10% Competence, 10% Confidence, 80% Clarity Random talks result in random conclusions.
How do you describe yourself or someone you know? Do you talk more about the things they have inherited or the one they have chosen? e.g. their height, skin color, were they came from or about their behavior and interests and characters. I can understand that based on the circumstances the answer may vary, but which ones do you focus more on? Say it differently to avoid making it your identity when it is not, e.g.: I was born in Canada, Not I am Canadian I work as a Physical therapist, not I am a Physical therapist I was born a man, Not that I am a man I was born hetero or homo sexual, not I am hetero or homo sexual I work in management, not I am a manager I have a union membership not I am a union worker I run to exercise, not I am a runner The more you identify yourself with different tags, the easier to be attacked and get offended and less to be true yourself since after all you have to follow lot more boundaries and rules that you created for yourself However if it is your identity then say it, e.g. about me, I am curious and would love to improve constantly.
When you speak vaguely, you conclude vaguely. Don't make it your own or other people identity by wording it differently e.g. Were you born in Iran? vs Are you Iranian? Do you work in management? vs Are you a manager? Are a member of the union? instead of Are you a union worker? After all we are talking about our self or another human being who has multiple aspects/adjectives and are not only one "adjective" Manager, Iranian or union worker etc.
Competition is the thief of joy. When you're competitive, then failure is crushing. Although we all fail over and over in our lifetime. It is said as humans, we are competitive by nature. Regardless, if it is nature or instinct, that doesn't make it right, your gut feeling is not necessarily right. We have changed a lot of other behaviors which are by nature, since we are smarter creatures and not just like animals. Some coaches say: beat the competition vs Do your best, or "Failure is not an option", yes it is, this is life. This is one reason failure sounds harsh. When too competitive, you tend to become more narcissistic, because at first, it's all about your team, but then it will be all about you. Intrinsic vs extrinsic competition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qm-jHatFYc8
The way you think dictates the way you feel. Our value system exacerbates or suppresses our natural behaviors, e.g. if genetically or by nature we have anger or violence issues or maybe less empathetic and caring, if we have the right value system we can modify all these attributes towards becoming better or worse. I believe this is the main reason we see certain behaviors more popular in certain cultures and for them it is not because it is genetics all of they are wired that way. When it is a competition, I want to become better than you, which can be by me getting better, a healthier version, or you going down, Dog eat dog. In either of these cases I won't be enjoying the process, and waiting and hoping for a result to celebrate. Although if we do it for the sake of getting better than our own past, then we enjoy the process. Now if we end up winning, then we can celebrate the byproduct, which in this case is the "winning". Q: Which option will you take: You making $50,000.00 but everyone else $25,000.00 a year, You are richer than others: OR you make $100,000.00 but everyone else makes $200,000.00 a year, You make more than before but less then others
Does your success require others failure? Do we have to step on top of each other to rise or shall we help each other to rise? Intrinsic motivation: Doing something to get better for personal interest. We will keep doing this regardless of the outcome. Enjoy the process, celebrate the result, if there is one. Extrinsic motivation: Doing something to get to a certain outcome. If we don't get there, it will be disappointing, and if we get there, we may not have a reason to continue anymore. Q: Do you believe you can succeed by helping others to succeed, or your success depends on their failure?
It is very unfortunate that we tell our children that they are the smartest, cutest and best, when they are not. Till they join the real world and figure that out on their own, which can be very frustrating. We have to teach our children that everyone makes mistakes and they are no exception. Failure is not falling down, failure is not getting back up. Studies shows, the main key for success is Grit/Persistence, not IQ or where you come from and best environment. You are not perfect and you don't have to, you are not the best and you don't have to, and even the best are only the best for a short time. How we feel about other people's comments and feedback to us, depends mainly on the stories we tell ourselves. The way we take feedback affects our level of happiness and self confidence. Some don't take even a positive feedback e.g. you look good today, so you mean I looked terrible all other days, Being a good receiver of the feedback, not only changes you but also the perception of the feedback giver of you. Normally it increases job satisfaction and adaptation. Q: Do you seek feedback and do you welcome them or become defensive?
When providing feedback, good or bad, do not exaggerate it, be honest, clear and to the point. And please remember when providing feedback to talk about the one thing about the person you are talking about, not the whole person, his/her race, country, and continent
When providing feedback to yourself, self assessment, again be to the point, it is about that one issue not the whole you. If you have made a mistake do not justify it, accept it, but do not cry about it or blame yourself. Think about how you can fix it going forward.
When proving any feedback, mainly when it is rather negative, if you have a hard time saying it, then right it down. Make sure it comes from a place of love and care for the other party and do not worry as much re wording. You should feel comfortable otherwise you will make the other party uncomfortable as well.
Generally Provide your feedback not sooner than later 24 hrs and no later than one week. Providing badly performed feedback is better than providing no feedback. After all this will be your practice ground and can improve on. If you do not provide any feedback, then you will never get better at it
If you can instead of just giving advice to ask questions and help them to be in the driver seat.
Advice and recommendations can be wrong and dumb. We have tons of them online. Another funny statement: Read between the lines. Isn't this encouraging to assume versus clarity! When receiving feedback to improve a behavior, it is supposed to be ONLY for that behavior and not the whole you. After all, we all make mistakes and have flaws. So we should be grateful for someone bringing that up to us. The only who loves you the way you are is your dog. We all need to improve to be accepted and liked more by others. You don't have to be the best at anything, you have to be good at something and try to get better. Even the ones who are the best in something, they won't last forever. A badly expressed feedback is better than no feedback.
There is a difference between feedback, comments, suggestions and order. Feedback is seeing what others see of you, it is about them not you. Feedback cannot be wrong. Comments are the opinions of others about you. Comments can be wrong or correct. Your mama lied to you when she said you're the best and smartest and cutest. We all make mistakes. Making mistakes is not the problem, the problem is quitting or not solving the mistakes. Exaggerating facts, good or bad, is the opposite of clarity and causes living and believing a fantasy and not the reality which will come in conflict with reality sooner or later. Two main reasons for giving feedback is to improve or to reinforce a behavior. When giving a feedback, don't worry about the words you choose as much, worry about where it comes from, a place love and care for the other party, This is a funny statement: If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything. Then who is supposed to let us know of our flaws? Stats show People who seek genuine feedback, are happier and more successful with their job and get higher performance reviews. Feedback is at the junction of 2 core human beings, at the one hand we want to learn and grow and the other hand the need to be accepted and respected the way we are now. Sheila Heen's ted talk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQNbaKkYk_Q&t=2s
Depending on what you wanna do with the knowledge, knowing a bit can be worse than knowing nothing at all, specially if it makes you THINK you know enough. If the purpose of educating yourself on different subjects is to understand them better and being able to ask smarter questions, then it is good. But if the purpose is to act as if you know, then it's worse than knowing nothing at all. Do you get educated first, then develop an opinion or develop an opinion, then educate yourself to back it up. A half ass knowledge is worse than no knowledge. If you only know half the story, you don't know the story. It's better to know a lot of one thing, than a little bit of everything. Don't be a jack of all trades, master of none. There is so much attention we can pay, make sure to spend it wisely. Don't worry about what you can't control, and if you can control it, then do something.
When remembering the Love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Keep in mind only 1 of the 5 options is Gift, have ever asked what their preference is among the following 3 gifts? 1. Gift, 2. cash or gift certificates, or 3. spending time together, doing what they wish. Please do not make assumptions on what they will prefer, simply ask. Often people choose your your presence over your presents. Make sure to give your gifts more on random occasions and stop the expected times such as Xmas, birthdays and valentine's day. Course of action: Please discuss this subject with your immediate circle to see if they do care for gift at all and take action, This may save you lots of money while increasing level of satisfaction At times we come up with routines and rules that make sense at the time but as the time goes on they take a wrong turn and no more make sense. We have to reevaluate the things we do to see if they serve us what they are supposed to. I believe giving gifts on different occasions is one of the things that has taken a wrong turn and makes no sense anymore. A tradition that needs a major review.
What is a gift? and are we doing it right? Are we choosing the gifts and giving them at the right time? How do we change now? Gift meaning: (noun) a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present. (Verb) give (something) as a gift, especially formally or as a donation or bequest. When giving gifts on occasions like Xmas, birthdays or valentine's day, normally it is a tradition and expected and thus not fun, versus giving gift randomly to express our appreciation. Do you get excited or happy when you get gifts? Do you think others get excited or happy when you get them a gift? When we give lots of gifts just for the short term excitement, what are we teaching our children! to spend a lots of money and be wasteful for a very short term excitement? not teaching them discipline and self control and looking for long term benefits more than immediate gratification. Question: What is your love language? words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch Before buying a gift for others, do you ask to see what their love language is!
At times when you offer free help, it is thought you expect something back or there is something wrong. Sometimes we appreciate it after it's gone. And then again miss appreciating what we have. The main reason for employees to leave their job is lack of appreciation. But if someone appreciates your help do not ask to be compensated. Unless you really believe you are not paid fairly but this has nothing to do with the other party being grateful of you and your help. Since this will discourage the behavior of being grateful. When kids get everything as gift and don't learn to appreciate what they have, like freedom or free health care in Canada. If you believe that being grateful is good and helping others with no expectation is good, DO IT regardless of what the response is. However if something goes wrong, don't stop, find what went wrong, fix it and do it again. I believe if someone is not grateful, they do not deserve to be helped. Till they learn how to be grateful. If we can't appreciate the good we have, it is almost as bad as not having it all. At times a kick in the butt is the best way to learn. Yes, losing the good we have in life to teach us how to be grateful for what we have and not just seeking what we don't have. It is said to talk about what has gone wrong in your life in order to heal, but at times this translates to having a victim personality and is more of focusing on what has gone wrong than the good in the situation. Eg bad parents, friends, boss, colleagues ...., but not talking about why they did what they did, understanding them and empathy, and probably what we did and taking responsibility for our actions. When someone offers help do you take it or think they may have an agenda?
When helping others make sure to have no expectation or simply clarify what you expect back, otherwise you leave yourself open for disappointment. It is said if you are not feeling well, go help someone. Yes, helping others make you feel better. When someone helps you, simply be grateful for what you are gaining and do not undermine it because they benefit in a way out of the situation and if anything you want to make sure they gain more out of the situation as well. The Helping person, the giver, is not supposed to lose in order for us to be grateful. I believe we should all give out of our abundance, while we do not lose, someone else gains. be grateful but don't focus on paying back, focus on paying it forward If you believe helping out is good, keep the behavior even though at times the receiver may not be grateful. In this case be careful who you are helping so that you do not end up getting hurt. Do you hesitate in offering help or asking for help? When someone offers help do you take it or think they may have an agenda?
Gratitude: 1. When we help someone, do we expect gratitude and what does that look like? Financially, verbally, payback of a type, or none 2. When we receive help, do we express our gratitude and how it looks like? Financially, verbally, pay back or none? 3. Being grateful for what we have in life and not unappreciative sine we don't have some stuff. Some of us, by nature are takers and some are givers, how can we be logical so that you are not taken advantage of nor take advantage of others. Realizing and expressing our appreciation has 2 benefits: 1. encourages the behaviors in the other party. 2. We will be happier. It is said if you list one thing you are grateful for/happy about, for 21 consecutive days, you will become happier. Simply because you learn how to appreciate finer things in life. Don't pay it back, pay it forward. Not thinking or measuring the amount you pay back, it's not a business transaction. The behavior "helping out" should be encouraged. Q: When helping others in a non financial circumstances, Do you "expect: a pay back or do you help out of your abundance with no expectation?
Questions should be open ended, not a "yes or no'' and should be unbiased. Question things and do not seek agreement or a certain answer. The more opinionated and the more ways to identity yourself, the more rigid you are and easier to be attacked and offended. Ask questions vs questioning. Try to understand others more than trying to be understood. Ask children "what great questions did you ask today" vs "what did you learn today". Ask a question AS IF you do not have any opinion or bias on the subject. When asking questions, focus on the solution not the problem If you do not know who the right person is to ask a question, ask others to see if they know who the right person is to ask your question. We encourage people to express themselves and their opinions before encouraging them to ask questions and be curious. For children, don't ask the same lame questions, like "How was your day" be genuine and ask "what was the best time of your day". There is no right answer for a stupid question, that is why we should help the other party to mature the question.
How do you feel when you ask questions? Do you feel smart or not so smart? What do you think of others who ask more questions vs some who think they know enough? There are stupid questions however after asking few stupid questions you learn how to ask smart questions. It's better to have a stupid question than making a smart assumption. It's our responsibility to make others feel comfortable asking questions and helping them mature their questions. Question should be genuine and should allow the other party to answer freely, rather than seeking a certain answer. When someone asks you an honest question, they are paying respect to you and you should be grateful. Ask the question from someone who is educated and with proven track record in the field. The response of an uneducated person in a certain field, doesn't matter, since most likely it will be wrong. If you don't know who to ask, aging you can ask to find out who is the right person to ask your question. Why do children stop asking questions and start having answers? Probably it's because we encourage a right answer more than encouraging a smart question. Please remember, asking questions create connections. We encourage people to express themselves and their beliefs and opinions vs encouraging them to ask more questions and being curious.
Are you aware of any mistakes you are making currently? Do you do anything about them? How do you respond when someone points out your mistakes and will you take action to fix it? We should be aware that when someone points out your mistakes, it is simply referring to those mistakes and not you as a person. Seek feedback; the highlights, the good and the bad, don't just wait for unsolicited advice. With some cultures and some people, failures or mistakes are embarrassing and a sign of weakness, so they don't admit to them and rather become defensive. Unfortunately we see this behavior in government settings due to legal consequences or when one makes a rather big mistake. We should pay more respect to the ones who own their mistakes. Failure is not falling down, failure is not getting back up. We all make mistakes. That is okay, not fixing them is the mistake. The best way to know about your mistakes that you don't know is to ask others, not self reflection and self awareness, after all you see the world through your own glasses.
We listen in order to; 1. Help out (as a Consultant or Technician). 2. Get help. 3. Have a conversation/Debate. 4. Listening to music or entertainment/movies. "Listen with the intent to understand, not with the intent to reply". Negotiation is more about listening, to see what the issue is so that you can address it. As well, it helps you to connect, and thirdly will increase the chances of them listening to you. Active listening is to listen not only to "what is said", but also "what hasn't been said". Listening to not only the words but also behind the words/body language. In order to be able to listen to others, first we should be able to listen to ourselves, our thoughts and feelings. At the same time It's hard to listen to somebody, who doesn't speak. So questioning may be the way to get one talking. We have "talk shows" not "listening shows", we have "peace talks" but not "peace listening". Q: How do you listen? with the intention to respond or simply listen?
How do you feel about people who have opinions about everything and anything? Confidence comes because one knows a lot or doesn't know much at all.
Often the second one is the main reason. Ask a genuine question and be ready for any answer, try not to expect an answer you're looking for. Not any opinion counts, only the educated ones do.
We should encourage people to ask questions and not necessarily to have the answers. A dumb question is better than a smart assumption or opinion that is not backed up with some science or stats. When there is a dumb question, we should help to sharpen and clear up the question, not to make fun of the other party and make them feel stupid. There are dumb questions, but by asking more questions at one point we learn how to ask more appropriate questions.
Often your opinion doesn't matter and you are not entitled to have one, unless you are well educated in the field and can back it up with science or stats.
Life is simpler when we have less opinions.
Life becomes more interesting when we have more questions.
Do you need to have an opinion, and if so are you qualified to have an opinion? How do you develop an opinion?
When flying we don't tell the pilot to "push that button." We don't do this simply because we are not experienced pilot for that specific plane. Then why do we allow ourselves to have opinions on economy, politics, how the country should run and so on? We can definitely have questions but not sure if our opinion would be educated enough unless we have the required knowledge and the information.
Having opinion makes us less curious.
Just because you have a reason, that doesn't necessarily make you reasonable.
How much do you know before you allow yourself to develop an opinion?
When one develops an opinion, one doesn't see a need to ask questions. Killing the curiosity makes one more closed minded.
Ask the questions but refrain from developing opinions. Questioning helps the other party improve as well.
I ask questions from the people who have the education and successful experience and put my trust in them. And simply I follow them but do not develop an opinion.
Emotions start where logic stops, When logic stops, conversation should stop and then questioning should start.
I challenge the result not the process.
Life is simple, Beau makes it complicated :)
Although first world countries tend to use more technology, the unemployment rate is lower than third world countries who use less technology.
My conclusion is that, in the big picture technology does not take away jobs. We often accept the technology of the past but resist the technology of the future, e.g. we can't live without our washing machines but resist the invention of self driving vehicles.
Similarly, we are okay with the poor results of our habits but question the better results of a change. We should accept advancements, but focus on how we can help the ones who get negatively affected by it.
Q: Do you wanna work more or achieve more?
It is very important to use the right words when we speak, otherwise we can end up doing our best in the wrong direction. For example when we create jobs that are not productive, such as wars, fighting, legal battles and so on.
There are jobs being created but move things backwards. Wrong words, wrong direction, wrong results.
Normally I say I don't care how much you work, I care how much you achieve.
Question the end result not the process. As a Physical therapist, what is important to me is, whether or not I make your pain better and not exactly how I did it.
Q: What do you do to work smarter, not harder?
Presentation is where someone can get fooled by marketers or presenters. Once we think independently and practical, presentation won't matter as much.
Q: How much do you value the presentation vs the real thing?
Small changes that we make in our value system now, may not look like that much to begin with, can have exponential effect in the long run.
Q: What do you value? saving money or spending it, do you wanna look scary or friendly, what is more important function or fashion, Do you prefer to be famous or helpful, Do you value approval or being challenged?
Although the saying, "if it's not broken, why should you fix it?" can be correct often, reviewing it is not such a bad thing. Often we are OK with the poor results of our habits but question the better results of a change.
Q: What do you value more, healthy food or tasty food? Do you think healthy food is expensive? Do you exercise to be healthy or other reasons? Do you want something unique or popular? Do you take pride in buying cheap or expensive stuff?
In order to have a good life we should have our values in the right order. For me the most important thing is to be happy and have a good life in general. The chain that makes a happy life has different links to it, e.g. health, money, circle of friends, helping others, fame, power, daylight, satisfying job and so on.
At different times of my life different links have been the weakest where I put my attention. By re evaluating my life, re-examining which links are the weakest at the time and focus on it till it has improved to my satisfaction. After all a chain is as strong as its weakest link.
Q: What are your priorities in life, Wealth, health, happiness, family, fame, power ....... and in what order?
One becomes famous because they are liked by the public, its not always because they are correct, smart, helpful, reasonable and so on.
This is why I say you can judge the value system of a society by seeing who is on top. A country becomes democratic, dictatorship, good or bad and so on because of the people not the government, after all the government is selected or stays in power because of the people.
Most of us wish for a peaceful, happy, rich and healthy life for ourselves and others. We generally fail because we have the wrong value systems and are not aware of the consequences.
Q: Among your friends, Who do you like more, the ones who agree with you or the ones who challenge you in a proper way?
People have different standards, let them decide what they need help with and how. After all, try to help people the way they want to be helped not the way you want to help.
Often is better to take other's request/comments at face value, not base on the previous experiences, otherwise its like eating in a dish that hasn't been cleaned up, you get the previous food flavor in the new one. yuck!
Any change should be discussed and hopefully agreed upon by all parties, even if the change is for the better. 3 way communication is key.
Repeat what you have been asked to do and wait for a yes/confirmed answer.
Do you ask what and how you can help or simply help. Do you ask for help for clean up and why?
We teach our children stranger danger, Bad idea. Strangers are strangers until you get to know them. Liking someone does not equate to trusting them and vice versa disliking someone does not equate not trusting them. People is trust-able or not regardless of knowing/liking them or not.
You can change your feeling and get to like someone eg. by getting to know them but you can't make them trustworthy or good, if they are not.
As a general rule, Feelings change, facts don't. Often We don't have bad people, we have bad ideas, which for the most part is fixable by Education. We often look for similarities and are scared of the difference.
Although unknown can be exciting and worth to get to know. Be careful what you look for, good or bad, you will find it, you will never get disappointed. When looking for differences or similarities, it never stop, first you find the more obvious ones, then you will find the less obvious ones,
We should stop saying "those people", and say "some of us". When we say "us", we want to help and cooperate but when we say "those people" it brings a sense of hostility and fight. We are on a small planet, but at times we behave like ants that fight over a small piece of bread crumb, when there is lot left for everyone.
We have differences, we have good and bad people, thieves and trustworthy, different cultures and religions and looks and more differences BUT we are living on one small planet. It is just "us".
Q: How do you feel when you say "us" vs " you people or my people"
You can get some attention/look when you look different than the norm in the society. And that will be fixed as people get used to it by seeing more of it.
Don't trust the first impression, Don't trust your intuition, be objective Solution to lessen discrimination:
1. Be curious, not judgemental
2. Stranger is not danger, stranger is just a stranger, TILL you get to know them.
Studies show when you get to know someone, there are 93% chances you get to like them Most abuse is happening among the people we know not from the strangers Since we give them a trust that they don't deserve Unknown is not scary, Unknown is another subject worth discovering, and can make life interesting and exciting
3. Remember it is just us on this planet Remember the way you think dictates the way you feel.
Q: Which part do you need to improve on and what change are you making? Q: Do you have friends of different backgrounds, see, sensuality, tattoo, religion, culture, country?
It is important to know if it is discrimination, vetting, or that there has been no discrimination at all and instead it was our own perception that made this judgement. Sometimes we make wrong conclusions and try to fix a problem that doesn't exist. We then neglect to pay attention to the things that need it. This said, we can get discriminated against based on multiple reasons. Discrimination is not selecting someone based on unrelated subjects to the vetting process.
In order to avoid potentially discriminating against someone, I recommend visualizing a person whom you like exhibiting the same behaviors or having the same qualifications. Will you treat them the same?
Often we discriminate unintentionally, due to ignorance. Education is the key.
It is not a bad idea to question any basic principle as what and why we do something time to time. After all circumstances change. And sometime we are simply living the life we were taught and the life we want. When asking a genuine question, almost any answer is good, but when we ask a question, expecting a certain answer, we can easily get offended or disappointed. Often based on what we do we can get the good or the bad out of the same person. Good and bad wolf. Do you ask enough questions or think its better to do it on your own, thinking you might be bothering people? Remember often people like to help, do not hesitate to ask for help.
When starting a relationship, it is important to be as honest as possible with yourself and the other party regarding your expectations of the relationship. Even if this is the case, over time we genuinely change our expectations. Since over years as we develop our own identity, we normally but not always, grow apart more than we grow closer to one another. We get in a relationship for different reasons, e.g. financial reasons, sex, having a family, having a trusted friend, a travel partner, companionship, and so on. Over the years these might change e.g. not wanting more children, or the financial help, wanting other people for companionship. Simply put, our needs change. I believe relationships lasts because of our "needs". As our needs become less, relationships may weaken. Of course there are external factors as well such as culture, society expectations, religion. Don't be the Blockbuster, accept the reality and facts of life and move with it. You can't fight reality and facts Break ups don't have to be hard, we make them hard and the law makes it difficult. Life will be easier to accept the change and move on. Look forward to the excitement ahead, and do not regret the past. Remember that "change" is exciting, that is why we do not want to repeat our past 5 yrs of lives and at the same time do not want to skip the next 5 yrs. In any war/fight both parties lose, one party more than the other, and in any working together/cooperation both parties gain, one party more than the other Change the way you feel by changing the way you think. The excitement of what life has ahead of us makes life interesting while thinking of the past makes us stay stagnant and rot. Any relationship normally last because of a "need and not want". And as we get to be more independent, relationships weaken. For safety reasons, no questions for this episode :)
We all need friends, so it is very important to know how to pick good friends and how to be one. The following are a few of the red flags to watch out for when looking for a good friend: Wishing others ill, jealousy, negativity, not been able to show your vulnerability, and not respecting one's privacy. We have to remember that everyone has flaws, so we don't want to write off people who potentially could be good friends due to the flaws they may have. Practice getting to know people. First impression doesn't count. If you don't initially like someone, get to know them, if you still don't like them, get to know them more. It is a good thing to put friends in different categories, each has their own strengths and weaknesses, some might be good to work with, some are good to travel with, some are good to party with, while others are there to have a decent conversation, and so on. Q: Do you connect with your friends at multiple levels? Or does each have their own place, this way you can have more friends?
There are times which we give a good connotation to a bad behaviour or alternatively, a bad connotation to a good behaviour. So when somebody makes a comment, you have to ask them, "is this a good thing or a bad thing?" Richer societies can afford more independent life, independence leads to being alone which could lead to loneliness. That is why in richer societies anxiety and depression is more common and end up with less codependence and less sense of community. Codependence, asking for help as well as providing help deepens friendships. Having a stronger community translates to more happiness. At times we buy emotionally and justify rationally. Be comfortable to ask for help and make others comfortable to ask for your help. Often it is us who feel uncomfortable to ask for help, while others are more than willing to offer it. Very frequently we are too shy to ask for help, but are more than willing to offer it. Mo claims he's vegetarian by dark. Q: Ask your friends if they would trim your back, or come and help you blow out the water lines with their air compressor. Or would you do that for them?
Mo claims that loneliness or, having no friends, is the major cause of death, more than smoking, alcoholism, poor diet and so on. To battle loneliness, one needs friends. Friends are those who are not your enemy, they celebrate your successes and get sad when you feel down. Secondly you have something in common with them. Some friends are good companions, while not being able to help in every way, are still there next to you. While others are more helpful and resourceful but do not give you the fuzzy feeling of a good friendship. These are a few tips which Mo would give people to help them build friendships. If someone wishes someone else ill, they could never be a good friend to anyone. Jealousy is when you hurt seeing others succeed, envy is when you wish to have their success but never wishing them to lose their success. Friends don't judge you but will correct you when you are wrong and are genuinely honest while pointing out your flaws. If you feel down, I'll be more than happy to give a hand to come up, but if you expect me to come down and stay with you, you are on your own. If you don't like someone, try to get to know them first. If you still don't like them, get to know them some more. don't right off people too quickly. Trust comes at two levels, 1. They have your best interests in mind. 2. Your best doesn't suck. Q: What's the definition of a good friend to you and how many good friends do you have. At times of loneliness and/or difficulties who comes to your mind.
Failure is not falling down/making mistakes, failure is not getting back up afterwards. We all make mistakes, the difference is how we handle them. Once you make a mistake, first realize the extent of it, then move on and focus on solving it. Do not settle down on the mistake, since you can't undo what is done. There is good in any bad and bad in any good, focus on what you learnt from the bad experience. Often we see our own mistakes as situational, while we see other people's mistakes with the view that they are bad people. Q: Share some of the mistakes you have made and the way you handled them, did you focus on the mistake, or the solution? What is your advice to your friends, when they make a mistake, mistake or solution?
First we should learn from others, then add to it. We do not need to experience someone else's experience in order to learn. You should ask first and then built on it. Schooling teaches you how to fish it does not give you the fish. Q: In your opinion, what is the better way, asking how or figuring it out on own?
Mo states that there are ways to approach your own happiness. Firstly, take care of the things that make you unhappy. One best way is to decrease your level of expectation of others and yourself. In business and life one big element for success is to be clear with your level of expectations from yourself and others. While at times we realistically can't have our expectations lined up due to lack of clarity. In these cases we need to have a "buffer zone" as well as remember to take things easy on each other. It is said that 97% of the things we worry about will never happen, and the other 3% we can't do anything about. If we start thinking in this way, it will get easier. Also, if you can do something about a situation, then do it, and if you can't, then don't worry about it. One quick way to increase your level of happiness is to appreciate the things that you have rather than focusing on the things that you don't have. If you do not feel good one day, help someone. Few other elements that make you happy: 1: Sunlight. Don't sit in the shade/dark when you don't need to, open the blinds and curtains when you can and try to be out in the sun more often. Don't wear shades if not too sunny to hurt your eyes. 2: An $80,000.00 income. 3: Having a community and close friends. 4: Fish oil and Vitamin D. 5: Exercise. Q: for 21 day in a row, write down 21 things that you are grateful for. you can not repeat the same thing and email us at info@lifeworkshop.ca.
Failing to plan equates to planning to fail. Knowing the difference between happiness and pleasure will help us plan accordingly, as to which one is missing in our lives and which deserves more attention. At times, we envy the life of others since they have more pleasure in their life, while in fact, that doesn't represent their level of happiness. While pleasure can increase your level of happiness over time, if obtained wrongly it can ruin your level of happiness as well. It's important to choose the words in which we use correctly, eg. if you are frustrated do not say "I am angry", and if you are having fun it is different than being happy. Are your friends the ones who add pleasure or happiness to your life, party friends or friends in need? and what kind of a friend are you? Treating yourself with stuff or food can have a negative long term effect while helping others can be cumbersome at the beginning but rewarding for a long term. Q: What do you do for pleasure and does it help or ruin your level of happiness?
In this episode, Mo and Beau go through some of the rules which have shaped their lives for the better. These rules which Mo calls the "forgotten basics". The rules that probably we all know but have forgotten about.
Some of the forgotten basics include the rule of 20/80, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link, one bad act exceeds the value of ten good ones, to go for the low hanging fruits, No Hollywood/sensationalizing but stating the facts, we discuss the Rules but not exceptions to the rules. Learn, unlearn, then change. and most importantly, if you don't make a mess, you don't have to clean it up.
Mo explains these basics in a very simplistic, applicable way. He does this by addressing subjects with the goal of maturing them with his audience. He asks not for agreement, but rather discussion on the subjects.
Mo's questions for this podcast are as follows: How many people do you wish ill? How many people do you love and care for? On a scale of 0-10 rate the following : Level of happiness, anxiety, depression, financial control, relationships, or any other issues you may face in your life at the moment.
After listening to this podcast for a few months, he asks you to answer the same questions to see how things changed. Remember: Life is simple, we make it complicated.
In this episode, Mo states that any purpose, whether it is good or bad, is a driver for life and creates livelihood. However a bad purpose ends up to a bad ending.
The final purpose in life, is to have a good life. However smaller milestones/purposes are needed in order to get there.
A strong purpose, good or bad, stops you from feeling the present and is useful when present is not pleasant.
Review your life every few months to see if you are on the right path to get to where you want to go. Before going to bed review your day, what made you feel good or bad and why. The way you think, decides the way you feel. Question: What's your life purpose? Are you on the right path to get there, Send me an email and tell me what your life purpose is.