Untethered: Healing the Pain from a Sudden Death

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In today’s podcast I interview Joy and Richard Abiador, whose 18-year-old daughter, Syra, died by suicide approximately three years ago. Joy and Richard share how Syra’s suicide impacted their family, differences in how they grieve, and how they have learned to live with so many unanswered questions. They also discuss their decision to be public with family and friends regarding Syra’s decision to end her life and how they have coped with their traumatic grief.

Key Points:

Suicide is currently the 11th leading cause of death in the United States. In 2021 there was an average of 132 suicide deaths per day and 48,123 total deaths. The highest rate of suicides is by middle age white men, but suicide rates among young adults are increasing and suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among young adults ages 15-24. According to the national alliance on mental illness, almost 20% of high school students have seriously contemplated suicide.

According to Dr. Carl Fleisher, who specializes in adolescent and child psychiatry, young people are vulnerable to suicide because of where they stand socially and developmentally. Developmentally, their pre-frontal cortex is not fully formed making them more impulsive and unable to weigh risks and consequences in the same manner as adults. Dr. Fleisher also states they are not as socially connected in society because they have not had a chance to engage in committed relationships, have children or establish themselves compared to older generations.

A death by suicide is sudden but not always unexpected, especially if there have been previous suicide attempts, a family history of suicide, or other strong suicide risk factors. According to Syra’s family, her death was completely unexpected and the night they found her was filled with chaos, shock, and feelings of helplessness when they found their daughter.

Joy talks about her struggles, looking for a note from her daughter or anything that would help her comprehend “the why”. She acknowledged that she has now come to a place where she has accepted that she will never know or understand Syra’s decision. Richard, on the other hand, consulted with people he trusted for guidance and advice, and developed a narrative that provided him with answers he could live with.

Joy and Richard share differences in how they grieve and how they still support one another. Men and women grieve differently, and partners can grieve both separately and together within a marital unit or committed relationship. Research has shown that men tend to be more task or action oriented in their grief whereas women are more emotional, intuitive, or feeling oriented in their grieving style.

September is National Suicide Prevention Month and throughout the month, mental health advocates, prevention organizations, survivors, allies, and community members unite to promote suicide prevention awareness. For more information, please visit the website for American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

If you or someone you love is feeling suicidal or in need of crisis support - text or call Lifeline 24/7 at 988 to speak with a counselor

Although today’s podcast focused on the pain associated with Syra’s suicide, Joy and Richard talk about their continued loved for Syra. They continue to express this love by spending time with their family and sharing stories, honoring Syra’s dedication to the environment and tending to their sunflower garden. Syra will remain forever alive and part of their family.

If you would like to connect with Joy and Richard, please join our Facebook group, Talking About the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.

My next podcast is on September 27th and will be a follow up to this interview where I interview Joy and Richard’s daughters, Leia and Teya, to learn about their experiences after Syra's suicide.

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In today’s podcast I interview Debbie Rosenfelt, a Chaplain for Support 7, the nonprofit organization featured in my previous podcast episode with Executive Director Shannon Sessions. Debbie is also entrepreneur and has had a diverse personal and professional history that she intentionally integrates into helping others empower their life. In today’s interview, Debbie shares the story of her son’s death by suicide which occurred approximately 15 years ago. She reflects on her early traumatic grief experiences and the routine she developed to help her cope. Debbie also explores what she learned going through her son’s journals, encourages others to talk about suicide, and identifies how her son’s death has changed her. Finally, Debbie shares the work she is engaged with to help others empower life.

Key Points:

Debbie shares her perspectives about suicide and grief after living with her son’s absence for the last 15 years. She continues to grieve and heal by providing spiritual direction to others as a Chaplain and in her business empowering leaders who are grieving loss or deep sorrow.

She describes an acute level of self-awareness she used to guide her through the pain and grief of Kenny’s death. For example, after learning of his loss, Debbie relied on gratitude for the time she had with her son as a protective measure from getting lost in a spiral of depression and despair.

Debbie shared the grief routine she developed and utilized to help cope with her grief after her son’s suicide. I highly recommend creating and using a routine and sense of structure after an unexpected death to my clients after their world has been turned upside down and inside out. Routine’s provide structure, consistency, and a sense of normalcy during a highly chaotic period of time.

Debbie shares how Kenny’s journals helped her process what happened. Many people who experience an unexpected death of a loved one to suicide are left with so many answered questions and spend a significant amount of time after the suicide trying to look for signs or answers to understand the reason why their loved one decided to end their life. They often search for what they may have missed and or blame themselves for things they believe could have been done differently in hopes of a different outcome.

The sudden death of loved one changes us to the core and the suicide death of Debbie’s son altered the way she lived her life and interacted with others. Debbie acknowledged that she no longer holds back, is more forth right, straight forward, and honest in her communication with others. She lives her life differently as evident by the way she described a slower pace in work and the increased level of compassion, understanding and empathy she now has for others and their pain. She is also able to see life from a new perspective which helps her in her professional work and providing spiritual guidance to others.

If you would like to connect with Debbie, please join our face book group Talking About the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin. You can also learn more about her and her consulting business working with leaders who have experienced loss or intense sorrow.

Our next two podcast episodes are also related to suicide in honor of suicide prevention month. On September 7th, Joy and Richard participate in an emotional interview about their experiences after their daughter, Syra, ended by suicide approximately 3 years ago, and then on September 26, Leia and Teya, Joy and Richard’s other daughter’s share their grief experiences and how Syra’s suicide has impacted their family. Both interviews are powerful and moving and illustrate the intense impact suicide has on a family and incredible power love has in healing.

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In today’s podcast I interview Shannon Sessions, Executive Director of Support 7, a non-profit organization in Washington State that partners with the South Snohomish County fire, police, and other first responder agencies to serve those in crisis. Support 7 assists first responders on scene where the crisis occurs and provides the clients they serve with safety from onlookers and media, information about practical next steps, valuable resources, and follow up support. Shannon describes the services provided by Support 7 related to sudden and unexpected death and the responsibilities associated with an organization focused on caring for others who have experienced sudden and unexpected death. She also shares with us how she was drawn to this work, how she cares for herself, and what it is like to raise a family within the first responder culture.

I have seen first-hand the impact this organization has had on the lives they serve. For those of you who have experienced a sudden or unexpected death, you understand how helpful it can be to have someone assist you with practical steps and information in the moment of a crisis.

Key Points:

The minute you learn that your loved one has died, your world shatters and rug is pulled out from underneath you. Having a calm presence who can shelter you from the immediate chaos, give you the next steps, phone numbers to call, and anticipate your early needs is an unbelievable resource you don’t know you need at the time. The volunteer chaplains who do this work do so with their heart and souls. They provide emotional support, logistical resources, and community resources to meet the needs of those they serve.

There are challenges a nonprofit such as Support 7 faces in providing this type of services both administratively and emotionally. Funding is an issue and raising funds is a full-time job. Many people may not truly realize the value of what Support 7 has to provide unless they have experienced a similar crisis or know others who have. It is hard to comprehend the totality of the behind the scenes administrative and emotional needs that go into running an organization like Support 7. There are administrative and training needs, fundraising needs, insurance and liability concerns, volunteer and support service needs, community outreach, and mobile van needs that Shannon describes along with the various other needs associated with running a nonprofit.

Support 7 also tends to the emotional well-being of its volunteers who are constantly on the front lines of life and death crises. Compassion fatigue and burnout are real concerns for volunteers. Shannon described how the volunteers laugh, cry, and support one another as a community.

It is my hope there will be more organizations like Support 7 in our future. I am so grateful to Shannon for sharing her personal story, how she was drawn to this work, how she met her husband, the role her faith plays in her life, and the powerful story that led her Support 7. I have had a chance to meet Shannon’s husband and several of her children, and step into the first responder culture for brief moments of time when I go to Support 7 events and trainings.

If you want an opportunity to connect with Shannon and learn more about Support 7, please join our Facebook group “Talking about the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.” Shannon’s contact information is available along with the website for Support 7.

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Welcome to Untethered: Healing the Pain from a Sudden Death. I am Dr. Jennifer Levin, and I specialize in traumatic death and helping individuals through the struggles, pain, trauma, and chaos of an unexpected death.

In today’s podcast I interview Cindy and Merle Meyers who reflect on their dating experiences and invite us to into their marriage after Cindy’s first husband, Dan, was killed coming home from work one night. When a new couple begins a romantic relationship after one of the partner’s has experienced the death of a loved one, it is not just a relationship of two. Circumstances depending, the presence, and in many cases the family, of the previous partner who died is a very real part of the relationship with needs of their own that must be honored and addressed. Today’s interview explores Cindy’s early coping with traumatic grief after Dan died, and her initial dating experiences with Merle. We then delve into the myriad of issues the couple had to face throughout their marriage including communication, family dynamics, coping mechanisms.

Key Points:

Cindy and Merle provide insight regarding the true realities a new relationship encounters after the death of partner. We are able to see how their grief evolved and changed over the years. They have also channeled their grief experiences into other aspects of their life, especially their vocation, as they have dedicated their lives to volunteering and pursuing Chaplaincy paths to help others who are also grieving, especially grief from sudden and unexpected death.

Every relationship will have their own unique challenges specific to the partners involved. However, there are themes that we saw today that I believe the overwhelming majority of all new couples will face. The previous partner who died will always be part of the relationship and their presence will impact the relationship as a whole and not only the individual who is grieving but the new partner, associated family members, children, friends, everyone. Whenever possible, I encourage you to consciously invite the deceased partner into in your relationship or include their presence in the relationship when appropriate. If the death of the individual who died becomes a taboo subject, if it is a topic that is uncomfortable, avoided, or swept under the rug then it will most likely become the root of friction or tension. Over time, this relationship will be much easier to manage and often their presence will fade into the background once it is acknowledged and integrated.

Communication about grief, idealization, comparisons, or coping mechanisms in new relationships is important. Communication is the key to any relationship, but this communication is different, it can be so hard, but it is so essential.

To learn more about the professional work and bereavement support programs that Cindy and Merle are involved in please visit our Facebook group “Talking about the podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin” where there is a link to their website and programs.

Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered Healing the Pain After a Sudden Death. To learn more about hope and guidance after sudden or unexpected death please visit therapyheals.com and sign up for my monthly newsletter Guidance in Grief at www.therapyheals.com.

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Living with Cumulative Grief : An interview with Betty and Joey Dowling

Hi everyone and welcome to Untethered: Healing the pain from a sudden death. I am Dr. Jennifer Levin, and I specialize in traumatic death and helping individuals through the struggles, pain, trauma, and chaos of an unexpected death.

In today’s podcast I interview mother and son, Betty and Joey Dowling, and we explore the concept of cumulative grief. When someone experiences multiple deaths, one right after one another, we refer to this phenomenon as cumulative grief because there is no time to process the grief from one loss, before the grief from the next death sets in. All of the sudden the emotions and grief from each death start to blend together. Today Betty and Joey share the story of the sudden death of Betty husband’s and Joey’s father Tom, and then later the expected deaths of Betty’s two son’s and Joey’s brothers Kevin and Erik, who died less than two years apart. We also talk about some of the differences Betty and Joey noted in their grief when the death was sudden versus anticipated and what it has been like for them to continue living and healing after so much loss.

Key Points:

Whether death occurs in a sudden or unexpected nature or expected, cumulative grief is emotionally draining, and it intensifies complex emotions. The experience of cumulative grief can also be heightened by non-death losses including the loss of other relationships, finances, careers, health problems, and life transitions.

Betty noted her challenges connecting to her husband’s grief while caring for her son Kevin and then difficulty to grieve for Kevin while caring for Erik until finally everything just rolled into one.

Joey explains how the cumulative losses amplified the number of grief triggers that he encountered, and that one trigger would resurface one memory that would lead to another memory, then another. As a result, he found himself cascaded with overwhelming memories of his dad and both of his brothers, constantly thinking about all his cumulative losses, all of the time.

If you find yourself experiencing cumulative grief it can be beneficial to your healing to take some time to grieve each of your losses separately. I discuss the techniques that I use with clients who are struggling with cumulative grief.

Death and loss, whether expected or unexpected, will always be a part of our life. I believe the key to living with cumulative grief are to understand how multiple losses impact us, to allow ourselves to feel and express the emotions and to continue to engage in life and keep loving throughout the entire process.

Our podcast Untethered is now hosted on my website www.therapyheals.com. To learn more about hope and guidance after sudden or unexpected death please visit my website and sign up for my monthly newsletter Guidance in Grief at www.therapyheals.com.

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When The Trauma Impacts Grief After The Sudden Death Of A Child: An Interview With Therapist And Author Randie Clark

In today’s podcast I interview therapist and author Randie Clark. Randie is a therapist in Washington State who specializes in traumatic grief and specializes in helping people who have experienced the death of a child of any age. She co-authored the book When Your Child Dies: Tools for Mending Parents’ Broken Hearts, after her adult son David was murdered in his early twenties. She also helped establish several traumatic grief support groups into hospital bereavement programs.

During our podcast interview, Randie shares the story of her son’s death, her early grief experiences, and how she coped. She also talks about the impact his death had on her decisions to pursue a career in trauma therapy. We explore the different parts of her book and the future plans for revisions. Finally, Randie talks about some of the biggest challenges that parents face after an unexpected death of a child, and she provides guidance for getting some of these needs met.

Key Points:

Randie is extremely passionate and dedicated in easing the pain for individuals living with traumatic grief, especially other parents who have also experienced the sudden death of a child. She feels that helping others and connection are one of the best ways to cope and heal from traumatic grief.

I appreciated the authenticity that Randie shared when talking about her own experience about her son David’s death. She is now able to remember him without pain, and to use her words, “she has incorporated him into the fabric of her life”. However, she acknowledged that the sadness and ache has also become a forever part of her.

Randie’s book was such an accomplishment. First, it was a healing experience for her and, second, it was and still is a compilation of education about trauma and grief, resources, and coping mechanisms specific to parents or adults who have experienced a sudden death of a child at any age.

Randie addressed so many of the challenges specific to parents, especially those related to identity, meaning making, and guilt or blame.

Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered: Healing the Pain After a Sudden Death.

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In today’s podcast I interview psychologist and author Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. Dr. Bryson is the author of multiple books, including Bottom Line for Baby and the following books co-authored with Dr. Dan Siegel, The Power of Showing Up and The Yes Brain, as well The Whole-Brain Child. Tina is also the Founder and Executive Director of The Center for Connection, a multidisciplinary clinical practice, and of The Play Strong Institute, a center devoted to the study, research, and practice of play therapy through a neurodevelopment lens, both located in Pasadena, California.

Tina shares her experience with the unexpected death of her father and the impact it had on her. She talks with us about how to best support both young children and teens who have experienced a sudden or unexpected death and provides tools that parents, grandparents and caring adults can use to “show up” or comfort children and teens during this challenging and difficult time. We also talk about resiliency in children and how love, support, and patience from important adult figures can help young people heal and lead healthy lives even after the experience of a sudden or unexpected death of a loved one.

Key Points:

Adults serve as meaning makers for children of all ages. Young children and teens look to us for guidance on how to interpret life events, especially the challenging ones.

Children and young people need the adults in their life when they are experiencing stress and difficult life challenges, especially the sudden or unexpected death of a loved one. Tina shares the 4 S’s to use with children and teens. They need to feel Safe, Seen, Soothed and Secure during these difficult times to foster healing.

When it comes to grief, I highly recommend adults release any expectations about how you believe your children should react or behave in bereavement or mourning. Just let them be. Notwithstanding destructive or self-harming behaviors, children and teens will grieve in the manner they need. I encourage you to offer a safe space to process their feelings, ask questions or request additional help. When you let the grief occur in the context of this type of relationship, they are more likely to be safe, seen, secure and be soothed.

Give yourself grace and compassion and know that you are enough. Tina’s references to the attachment literature provides evidence that it only takes one caring, consistent, loving adult in a child’s life to contribute to the emotional well-being of a healthy young adult.

If you want an opportunity to connect with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, please join our Facebook group “Talking about the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.” You can also learn more about Dr. Bryson by visiting her website at www.tinabryson.com, The Center for Connection at www.thecenterforconnection.org, and the Play Strong Institute at www.playstronginstitute.com.

Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered: Healing the Pain After a Sudden Death. Our podcast Untethered is now hosted on my Therapy Heals website. To learn more about hope and guidance after sudden or unexpected death, please visit therapyheals.com and sign up for my monthly newsletter Guidance in Grief.

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Today’s podcast is different than my previous podcasts. In this episode titled Holiday Grief, an Interview with Dr. Jennifer Levin, I am a guest on Corrine Crabtree’s podcast, Losing 100 Pounds with Corrine.

Show Notes from Corrine’s Podcast, An Interview with Dr. Jennifer Levin:

Most of us "should" all over ourselves during the Holiday season...

"I should be happy" "My experience should be like what my friends are posting on social media"

This is especially true when it comes to grieving.

Whether your loved one died 2 weeks ago or 10 years ago, the holidays can be so hard.

When you overeat or drink through the pain, the pain relief doesn't last long. But chances are, nobody has taught you an alternative way to work through grief.

That's why I interviewed Jennifer Levin, a traumatic grief expert, on today's podcast. She's sharing 4 tips for growing through grief during the holidays.

I hope you enjoyed today’s episode of Untethered: Healing the Pain After a Sudden Death. For help with a sudden and unexpected loss, sign up for my free mini course, where I will teach you about the 3 Truths About Living with A Sudden and Unexpected Loss. Please visit www.fromgrieftogrowth.com to sign up.

P.S. Learn more about Corrine Crabtree at www.phit-n-phat.com.

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In this podcast I interviewed Mark Davidson, whose father was murdered on the island of Belize. Mark and his family live in Pasadena, CA, and he was returning home from a business trip when he learned about his father’s death. In his interview Mark shares his story and describes what it was like to travel back and forth across international borders to say goodbye to his dad and sort through his belongings. He processes his grief, how he has changed and what it has been like to share his dad’s death with his young son. Mark has found a way to remain connected to his father in his new business where he provides immersive marine education, and he describes how the ocean helps him feel close to his dad.

Please visit our new Facebook group “Talking about the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin” to learn more about Mark and his immersive marine education business. Also included are photos and a link to the Spotify playlist that Mark mentions in the podcast. Here is the link for our new Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2341269439362238.

Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered: Healing the Pain After a Sudden Death. For help with a sudden and unexpected loss, sign up for my free mini course, where I will teach you about the 3 Truths About Living with A Sudden and Unexpected Loss. Please visit www.fromgrieftogrowth.com to sign up.

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In this podcast I interviewed a mother whose son died suddenly in a car accident. Dolores Cruz is a retired elementary school teacher and the author of Look Around; A Mother’s Journey from Grief and Despair to Healing and Hope. Her book talks about her spiritual journey after the sudden death of her 24-year-old son, Eric, which brought her to a whole new understanding of the questions we all ask about the meaning of life.

In her interview, Dolores tells the story of how her son died, her experience with unexpected loss, intense grief, and how her grief has evolved over time. She talks about her biggest struggles, what helped her the most in her grief and how she continues to remain connected to her son even after his death. She also provides advice and messages of hope for parents who are struggling with their own loss of a child. Today, Dolores continues to honor Eric by volunteering as an Affiliate Leader and Caring Listener with the international support organization for parents of children who have passed away, Helping Parents Heal. The Cruz Family has also provided a music scholarship in Eric’s name at Neighborhood Music School in Los Angeles. You can find out more about Dolores by visiting her website at doloreslookaround.com, or her blog at doloreslookaroujnd.blogspot.com.

If you want an opportunity to connect with Dolores yourself, we have now launched a brand-new Facebook group called “Talking about the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.” I am so excited about this group because it provides our podcast listeners and podcast guests an opportunity to interact. For this week’s episode you will be able to find information about Dolores’s book, her blog and her latest article in the Huffington post. Here is the link for our new Facebook group:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/2341269439362238

Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered Healing the Pain After a Sudden Death. For help with a sudden and unexpected loss, sign up for my free mini course, where I will teach you about the 3 Truths About Living with A Sudden and Unexpected Loss. Please visit www.fromgrieftogrowth.com to sign up.

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In my interview with Dr. Rynearson we learned about his personal history with sudden death and the diverse projects and activities that he has conducted to advance knowledge and treatment for individuals who he describes as having experienced a “violent death”. Dr. Rynearson described some of his major accomplishments as a physiatrist and researcher, how his personal experience with sudden death changed him as a clinician. He concludes with advice for listeners who are living in the aftermath of a sudden loss.

My next podcast will be on Wednesday, October 26th and I will be talking with Dolores Cruz who is going to share her story with us. Dolores’s son Eric died over 5 years ago in a car accident. Dolores has worked hard in her grief and is now a vital part of the healing experience for many people parents who are grieving the death of a child. I hope you join can us.

Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered Healing the Pain After a Sudden Death. For help with a sudden and unexpected loss, sign up for my free mini course, where I will teach you about the 3 Truths About Living With A Sudden and Unexpected Loss. Please visit www.fromgrieftogrowth.com to sign up.

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Definition of healing

The concept of healing can be defined in so many ways. To feel better, to feel stronger, to have less pain, to be more resilient, to hurt less, or to experience more peace. There is no right or wrong way to define healing.

In 1996 Dr. Lois Tonkin developed a model about how we grow around grief that is often referred to as the “fried egg model of grief.” According to Dr. Tonkin, our grief does not really change in size, but our world does.

Post traumatic Growth

In the mid 1990s Drs. Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun began researching and coined the term Post Traumatic Growth (“PTG”) which refers to a positive change that individuals experience in their life beyond recovering after a crisis or a traumatic event. They found that individuals are most likely to experience positive changes or post traumatic growth in 5 domains in their lives.

New possibilities - individuals who experience PTG are more likely to be open to new possibilities such as trying new things, exploring new interests, hobbies, or activities.
Relating to others in different ways - individuals who experience PTG also report that they experience closer relationships and increased connections with people in their lives because they now understand the importance of support.
A greater appreciation for life - individuals who experience PTG in this area truly value what life has to offer. They may be able to slow down their life pace and notice the small things in life that really matter.
Increased personal strength - individuals who experience PTG here may exhibit increased self-confidence and feel resiliency for getting through something so traumatic. Tedeschi and Calhoun also use the term psychological toughness.
Deepening of spiritual life or religious belief - you do not need to have a religious belief system to experience PTG in this domain. Individuals also experience growth by altering their belief systems in general and reflecting on existential questions and meaning in life, mortality, and interconnections with others.

It is hard to tell who is going to experience PTG after the loss of a loved one just as it is hard to tell who is going to develop post-traumatic stress disorder after a traumatic experience. Tedeschi and Calhoun have identified various factors that may contribute to post traumatic growth.

Education - you need to know what happened and the impact it has had on your world. Examples include – knowing that traumatic grief is different, knowing how trauma impacts your body and how to regulate your emotions.
Emotional regulation - this is important because it gives you the ability to understand and manage your emotions and behaviors. To be able to experience growth, you must be in a good state of mind and able utilize tools to help you regulate complex emotions associated with traumatic loss.
Disclosure – being able to talk about your experiences with family, friends, mental health professionals or other people on your social support team. Choosing people who can hear your struggles and your pain without the need to fix them is an important part of finding the right people to disclose to.
Narrative development – produce an authentic narrative about the trauma and your life afterwards so you can accept the chapters already written and write the next one in a meaningful way.
Service - most people do better in the aftermath of trauma if they engage in meaningful work that benefits others, especially if it is work in your community or work related to a similar trauma that you have experienced.

What can you do?

Depending on where you are in your healing process it may be so hard to envision that you will ever experience PTG. Tedeschi and Calhoun also state that not everyone who experiences a traumatic event will experience PTG. And that’s okay, but there are certain things that you can still do to facilitate moving towards healing and that’s also going to facilitate moving towards PTG.

I recommend a book The Posttraumatic Growth Workbook by Richard Tedeschi and Bret Moore for anyone who has any interest in this subject. I really like this workbook because it has exercises that are targeted to each of the 5 domains that I explained above.

In addition to what has already been discussed, I recommend that you keep the 5 domains in mind when you think about your healing and your day to day living.

Don’t be afraid to try new things and explore new interests. You can’t go wrong.
Invest in your social support, and particularly focus on deepening relationships with a few good friends.
Keep a gratitude journal.
Talk about your experiences, disclose to others what you are feeling – you are not only helping yourself, but you might be helping others as well.

Podcast Review

Today’s podcast was about the ability to move towards healing from what you are experiencing after the sudden death of a loved one. We looked at how to define healing and we explored the “fried egg model of grief” which states that grief does not get smaller, but instead we grow around our grief. We also explored the concept of post traumatic growth, and I gave you 5 domains that you may experience growth in. I also explored factors that may contribute to the development of PTG.

Announcements

We’ve now had ten episodes of this podcast Untethered: Healing the Pain From a Sudden Loss, and these ten episodes have been designed to provide you with a foundation about sudden and unexpected loss. Moving forward I am excited to announce I am going to be interviewing professionals and experts who work in the field of sudden loss about their experiences – what they do, what type of clients they work and what they have learned. But I am also going to be interviewing individuals who have experienced a sudden loss as well so you can hear their stories and learn directly from their experiences. I am really excited about this next phase of our podcast and excited to share this with you.

Our next podcast will be Wednesday October 12, 2022. I have a wonderful and an exciting guest lined up for you. Stay tuned for social media announcements about who this podcast guest is going to be.

Be sure to subscribe to my podcast so that you never miss an episode. Don’t forget to leave a review and share this with someone you know who is living with a sudden and unexpected loss. Visit my website www.fromgrieftogrowth.com for more information about my free mini course.

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Today’s podcast is titled But I don’t want to accept it! We will explore what it means to accept the loss of someone you love, and help you assess where you are right now in the process of acceptance. I will discuss what happens when you struggle to accept the death of your loved one. Finally, I will provide you with some ideas of how you can begin the process of accepting your loved one’s death.

How do we define acceptance?

According to the dictionary, acceptance can be defined as an agreement with a belief or an idea, opinion, or explanation. On an intellectual level, you understand that your loved one has died and that they are not returning. You are fighting with your emotions, and you do not want to accept the source of its pain. It is easy to hold hope that your loved one will return, will walk through the door and that life will return to normal.

Another definition of acceptance provided by the dictionary describes acceptance as a willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation. Will implies choice and although I agree there may be an element of choice involved, especially in the later phases of grief, at times, will has nothing to do with grief.

Depending on where you are in your grief process, you may be incapable of accepting the death of your loved one who died suddenly at this moment in time.

When you are in a state of acceptance you will be able to do the following:

Acknowledge your loss and the surrounding circumstances
Remember your loved one with more joy than pain
Spend little to no time thinking about the traumatic circumstances of the loss
Release many of the feelings related to guilt, blame or regret
Experience feelings of gratitude for your time together with your loved one and find pleasure in your memories
Enjoy your life and look forward to your future

This does not mean that all your sadness and grief will have disappeared. It means that you fully understand that the physical presence of your loved one is absent from this earth, and you are no longer focused on the surrounding circumstances of how your loved one died and the pain associated with traumatic loss.

Consequences of denial

There can be negative consequences of existing in a state where you deny the death of your loved one. These consequences may include:

Anger
Depression
Anxiety
Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder
Problems with interpersonal relationships
Difficulties functioning at work, school and in day-to-day life
Physical problems such as increased illnesses, sleep issues, high blood pressure and/or exasperation of existing medical problems

Individuals who can accept the death of their loved one are more likely to be able to invest in other relationships, experience improved mood, and increased quality of life.

Where are you right now?

One way to start is to ask yourself where are you in the process? Write down all the beliefs and thoughts that you have about your loved one’s death and current state. Here are some examples:

“I understand that my loved one has died but I wish they were coming back”
“My loved one has died and there is nothing I can do about it”
“My loved one died, and I am never going to be okay”
“I refuse to believe that my loved has died because it is more than I can handle right now”
“I am just pretending my loved one is away because it is easier for me to cope”
“I know my loved one is gone on an intellectual level, but I can’t grasp it on an emotional level”

Acceptance is a process.

Accepting the death of a loved one is a process. You must be able to acknowledge it and all of the changes that come with a sudden loss.

So how do you go about accepting it?

Talk about it
Write about it or engage in creative activities
Consider the concept of radical acceptance
Give yourself the time you need to mourn and remind yourself that acceptance is a process
Separate what happened and focus on the person you love
Create a ritual to further your acceptance
Consider seeking the support of a mental health professional for guidance to identify what is keeping you from acceptance and coping skills to help you.

Podcast Review

In today’s podcast we looked at the difficulties that come with accepting the loss of a loved one. We explored what acceptance means, how to know where you are in the process of acceptance and some of the consequences of denying acceptance of your loved one’s death. We ended by exploring different steps you can take to move towards accepting the death of a loved one who died suddenly.

Our next podcast will be available on Wednesday, September 28, and will be titled Can You Heal From Traumatic Loss? Be sure to subscribe to my podcast so that you never miss an episode. Don’t forget to leave a review and share this with someone you know who is living with a sudden and unexpected loss.

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Today’s podcast is titled Guilt, Shame and Regret are Killing Me. We will explore some of the common thoughts associated with these emotions, the consequences of these negative thoughts, and the impact they can have on our lives. I will discuss concepts of self-compassion and self-forgiveness as methods to combat feelings of guilt, regret or self-blame related to the sudden death of your loved one.

Feelings of regret, guilt, and self-blame.

You may find yourself caught up in the emotions of guilt, regret, or self-blame. Guilt about things you did, did not do, or say, regrets about actions, lack of actions, or blame about behaviors that did or did not occur. You may have thoughts about what you could have done to prevent the death from happening. It is important that you find ways to process and work through these feelings in a healthy manner.

Consequences of living in guilt, self-blame, or regret.

Many grievers devote significant amounts of time living in their guilt and blame, or regretting actions that they did not take. Spending too much time in these negative emotions can complicate your grieving process and increases your risk for depression. Living in regret, guilt and blame is how some people choose to stay connected to a loved one, but this is not a healthy way for connection.

Concepts of self-compassion and self-forgiveness.

The key to overcoming these difficult emotions lies within self-compassion and self-forgiveness.

Self-compassion entails being kind to ourselves. It involves being understanding to ourselves when we feel insecure and when we are in pain.

According to Dr. Kristen Neff, an expert on self-compassion (www.selfcompassion.org), there are 3 important parts to self-compassion:

Mindfulness
Self-kindness
Common humanity

Self-forgiveness means that you allow yourself to be free from feelings or emotions related to what you feel went wrong.

Two important factors that relate to both self-compassion and self-forgiveness:

It is easier for us to have compassion or to forgive others than it is for us to have these feelings towards ourselves, and
Self-compassion and self-forgiveness take work. These skills are not developed overnight, but instead are shifts in thinking that occur over time, little by little.

The following is an exercise to help you engage in self-forgiveness and self-compassion:

Identify the specific actions, feelings, or behaviors where you are feeling a strong sense of regret or guilt. Make a list and write everything down. Ask yourself “why am I feeling guilty?”, or “why am I blaming myself?”.
Acknowledge your feelings. If you are comfortable, share your list with someone so that they can validate your feelings.
Look at your intentions. This step is vital, especially if you are blaming yourself. Ask yourself, “was my intent to cause harm?” See if you can start to find some compassion, or if you can forgive yourself when you start to examine your overall intent.
Have a conversation with your loved one in your head. What would they say about the situation at hand? What perspective would they bring to the table? If you shared your feelings of regret, blame or guilt, how would they respond?
Ask yourself what forgiveness would look like.
Ask yourself what the consequences are of not forgiving yourself.

It is going to take time to find compassion and forgiveness for yourself but it’s going to be worth it.

Our next podcast will be available on Wednesday, August 31, and will be titled But I Don’t Want To Accept It. Be sure to subscribe to my podcast so that you never miss an episode. Don’t forget to leave a review and share this with someone you know who is living with a sudden and unexpected loss.

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Podcast 7, How do I live with the Unanswered Questions and Uncertainty, was written for listeners living in the unknown after experiencing the sudden death of a loved one.

This episode focuses on the following concepts:

Living with uncertainty and the loss of control.
Why living with unanswered questions is detrimental to your healing.
Catastrophizing.

Coping tools to manage living with uncertainty:

Make a list of everything you can control.
Make a list of everything you cannot control.
Make a list of all your unanswered questions regarding the sudden loss of your loved one.

How to live with the uncertainty when feelings become intense:

Acknowledge the existence of uncertainty, validate its presence, and allow yourself to experience any of the feelings that accompany it.
Tell yourself that you are okay. Use any affirmations or grounding exercises that will help calm you down if you are experiencing anxiety.
Focus on the present moment and the things you can control.
Notice any catastrophizing that you may be engaging in and remind yourself that the worst-case scenario does not always come true.
Remind yourself of all the previous periods of uncertainty you have survived and the skills you used to cope with that stressful time in your life.

Our next podcast is titled, “Guilt, Shame and Regret are Killing Me”, and will be published on Wednesday, August 17. Be sure to subscribe to my podcast so you never miss an episode. Don’t forget to leave a review, and share this with someone you know who is living with a sudden and unexpected loss.

Please visit www.fromgrieftogrowth.com to sign up for my free mini course,

3 Truths About Living With A Sudden and Unexpected Loss.

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In this podcast, But I Didn’t Get a Chance to Say Goodbye, I explore the pain you may be feeling if you didn’t get an opportunity to say goodbye to your loved one who died suddenly. Many of you have probably spent hours thinking about final words you would have spoken if you had the opportunity.

The podcast addresses the following:

Validates feelings you may have about not being able to say goodbye.
Explores “what do goodbyes represent?”
Argues that relationships are not based on final goodbyes.
Discusses ways to cope if your final words were not positive.

It is never too late to say goodbye. Here are some ideas on how to say goodbye to someone you loved who died suddenly:

Write a goodbye letter. How would you say goodbye? What would you want to include in a final conversation? What feelings would you want to convey?
Find a place where you feel most connected to your loved one. How would you say goodbye at this place? Perhaps you could read your goodbye letter at this place. How would that feel?
Talk to a picture of your loved one. Have a candid conversation or use this as an opportunity to read your goodbye letter.
Create a memorial to remember your loved one. You can plant trees or flowers in your garden, draw something or build something, the possibilities are truly limitless…
Funerals and memorial services are often used as rituals to say goodbye to loved ones.
Grief counseling - saying goodbye is not a single event for some people, but instead a long process that takes place over time as you work through different pieces of your loss.
Many people choose not to say goodbye at all and embrace the concept of continuing bonds. The continuing bonds theory supports the notion that our relationship with our loved one never ends and continues through death.

Our next podcast, “How do I live with the Unanswered Questions and Uncertainty?” will be published on Wednesday, August 3. Be sure to subscribe to my podcast so you never miss an episode. Don’t forget to leave a review and please share with someone you know who is living with a sudden and unexpected loss.

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Podcast 5, Sudden Death: A greater understanding of trauma and grief, provides information about what a trauma response may look like after experiencing the sudden death of a loved one by describing some of the physical, psychological, cognitive, and behavioral responses that many people experience.

Listeners will develop a greater understanding of why everyone responds differently to a traumatic event, and I discuss some of the risk and protective factors that can influence the development of trauma symptoms.

Risk factors (National Institute of Mental Health):

A history of trauma, especially childhood trauma such as bullying, domestic violence, or parents with mental illness, substance abuse problems or incarceration.
Being injured or seeing someone die.
Being exposed to a dangerous event or the actual traumatic event that took your loved one’s life.
Experiencing feelings of horror, helplessness, or extreme fear.
Having insufficient social support or resources to help you cope after your loved one died suddenly.
Dealing with other major life stressors in addition to the sudden death of your loved one that may include problems at work, financial stressors, family problems or health events.
Having a personal or family history of mental illness or substance abuse.

Protective factors against trauma:

A strong social support network. It is important to have a good group of family and friends who can be there to help you with the physical, emotional, and logistical issues associated with your trauma and loss.
Being resourceful and having good problem-solving skills can also be a protective factor against a trauma response.
Finding a way to help others or to give back when you are struggling can be a shield against trauma.
Be willing and open to look for meaning in the event that you have experienced.
Practice healthy coping mechanisms to cope with the stress and trauma.

The National Institute of Mental Health also cites the following as protective factors, or resiliency factors, against trauma. They recommend you:

Get help from others.
Try and accept your feelings.
Develop coping strategies and a willingness to learn from your experiences.
Be willing to deal with difficult situations despite your fear.

Information is also provided about the powerful combination of trauma and grief, and listeners are advised when it may be beneficial to seek professional support especially when functional status is compromised.

Our next podcast, “But I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye”, will be published on Wednesday, July 20.

Check out my online workshop on Saturday, July 16th, from 9am-12pm PDT, Grieving a Sudden Death: How to stay connected and present while you heal. More information is available on my website at www.fromgrieftogrowth.com. Registration is now open.

Be sure to subscribe to my podcast so you never miss an episode. Don’t forget to leave a review and please share with someone you know who is living with a sudden and unexpected loss.

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In today’s podcast I will discuss in detail five techniques that are designed to help you feel emotionally or physically better, or at least different, after using the activities described.

5 things you can do right now to help with your healing:

The frozen orange technique
Grounding exercise using your senses
Calling a friend
Changing your energy and your environment
Pleasant event scheduling and distraction

I also encourage you to develop a coping list to guide you through future grief attacks, moments of anxiety or intense struggles.

Our next podcast, “Traumatic Death: A greater understanding of trauma and grief”, will be published on Wednesday, July 6. Be sure to subscribe to my podcast so you never miss an episode. Don’t forget to leave a review and please share with someone you know who is living with a sudden and unexpected loss.

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In today’s podcast, “It All Sucks: Major Challenges of Living with a Sudden Loss”, I will discuss the struggles that individuals living with a traumatic loss encounter every day.

I will provide you with an overview of the 5 different challenges that people struggle with after a sudden loss. The sudden death experience is unique and different for everyone, but most of us who are trying to cope with this type of traumatic loss will be able to relate to these challenges.

The 5 major challenges of living with a sudden loss:

Balancing the need to function and live when you feel like a part of you has died.
The inability to share your daily events with your loved one who is no longer physically present in the world.
Living with the physical and emotional aftermath of the trauma.
Dealing with others who do not understand what you are feeling or going through.
Watching the lives of others who you care deeply about move forward when you feel stuck in grief.

Our next podcast, “Five things you can do right now to begin healing from a Sudden Death”, will be published on Wednesday, June 22. Be sure to subscribe to my podcast so you never miss an episode. Don’t forget to leave a review and please share with someone you know who is living with a sudden and unexpected loss.

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In today’s podcast, “My entire world has turned into chaos – the theory of shattered assumptions”, I will discuss how the world as you know it changes after a sudden and unexpected death. Your world has been shattered or destroyed, leaving you feeling untethered.

I will describe our assumptive world and the importance of the fundamental assumptions that we build our world around.

According to Ronnie Janoff Bulman there are 3 fundamental assumptions that make up our assumptive world:

The world is benevolent
Meaningfulness of the world
Self-worth

When a loved one dies in an unexpected and sudden manner, these assumptions are broken leaving destruction on our perceived safety in the world. I will also explain the symptoms that many of us experience such as increased anxiety, fear and worry about loved ones.

Fortunately, there are many things you can do to rebuild your assumptive world and begin to reestablish the safety you need. I will provide you with tools and actions you can engage in to rebuild those feelings of safety in the world.

Actions and steps that will provide comfort:

Assess and rebuild your assumptions about the world
Challenge and process your beliefs about the world or your life being worthy
Decide you are worthy regardless of the circumstances

Coping techniques:

Establish routine and structure
Find your tribe
Engage in self-care
Address your trauma and grief
Rediscover purpose in life pursuits and activities
Help others
Get a four-legged friend

Please tune into this week’s episode of Untethered: Healing the Pain From a Sudden Death. Be sure to subscribe to my podcast so you never miss an episode. Don’t forget to leave a review and please share if you know someone who is living with a sudden and unexpected loss.

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In this first Podcast the main focus will be to talk about the differences between a sudden and anticipated loss. Grief and loss have never been an easy topic for us to discuss as a society and in this episode I will discuss why. I will be referring to the following grief fundamentals throughout our time together.

Grief Fundamentals:

There is no timeline in grief.
You never truly get over the death of a loved one, whether it is sudden or expected.
There comes a point in your grief where accepting the death of a loved one becomes part of the process.
Grief is love. The death of someone you love hurts so much because you’ve loved so much.

Reasons for creating the podcast:

I have designed my podcast to bring together a community of people hurting, and to unite them in their quest to anchor themselves, rebuild and move forward in life. As a society, we are uncomfortable talking about death in general and most people are ill-equipped to respond the way we need them to respond when we experience the death of someone we love.

5 differences between a sudden and anticipated Loss:

Survivors are left with feelings of intense vulnerability.
The inability to say goodbye.
A significant percentage of sudden deaths may have been preventable, tormenting survivors as they grieve.
Unanswered questions and the amount of uncertainty that exists.
The manner in which our loved one died is often traumatic, and it can even result in trauma for those of us who are grieving the loss.

Untethered: Healing the Pain from a Sudden Death: Recent Episodes

Dr. Jennifer Levin