Neurodivergent Narratives Podcast: Recent Episodes
Sandra Coral
on exploring neurodivergence, rejecting social norms & embracing the beauty & messiness of reconnecting to our humanity.
ndnarratives.substack.com
From the pages of my journal… what it feels like in this body when I think of letting go.
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While writing one of my previous Substack essays, I was reminded of something I read ages ago by Pema Chodron in When Things Fall Apart. In the book, Chodron describes hope and fear as being on two sides of the same coin: where there’s one, there’s the other, and both are the root of our pain.
At that moment, I paused because I truly felt like she was on something.
Yes, on something. Not, on to something.
I mean, fear is definitely the root of my pain. That made complete sense to me from both a body and mind standpoint. When I’m fearful and trying to make decisions, I’m not thinking clearly. Decisions made from a place of fear aren’t coming from the thinking part of my brain. I also know that my brain is wired to protect a fairly sensitive nervous system. Any threat (real or perceived) will get me reacting first and asking questions later if I’m not careful.
Fear is not my friend most of the time. It’s taken me a long time to attempt to pause when I’m dysregulated, move through the fear and then think about how I need to respond. Most things I’m afraid of aren’t actually a threat to my life, even if my body believes they are. My brain is still learning to discern this to support my body in moving out of its preferred protective states. States that eventually lead to it doing nothing.
But hope as a root of my pain?! Nah, not that.
Hope feels completely different. Hope gives me something to dream about. Hope is what gets me through the tough times. It makes me believe that anything else is possible than the shitstorm I’m currently in. Where would I be without hope?! If fear kept me stuck, then hope was like a reprieve from the fear. Hope was my vision that change could happen even when I was too afraid (or stuck!) to make any change myself.
But that was my problem.
The problem.
Underlying hope and fear is the need to change our current experience. We’re conditioned to believe something must be wrong with us (and our lives) because we’re uncomfortable and suffering. Fortunately, there is nothing wrong with us. Suffering is a natural part of being human. But what is unfortunate is our resistance to staying in the moment when things fall apart. By hoping for things to be different or becoming fearful of what might change or end, we add to our discomfort - and therefore, suffering.
When we cling to or grasp for things that disconnect us from the moment (like addictions, for example), they merely prolong our suffering, not diminish it. As long as we can’t develop a relationship with the fact that things won’t always go how we want and everything’s always in the process of change (otherwise known as death and impermanence), we’ll continue to add to our feelings of discomfort (ie, our suffering).
Chodron writes, “As long as we’re addicted to hope, we feel that we can tone our experience down or liven it up or change it somehow, and we continue to suffer a lot… Hope and fear come from a feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty… We hold on to hope and hope robs us of the present moment.”
I had to reread those lines a few times to understand what Chodron meant. I mean, wasn’t hope a good thing?!? Didn’t being hopeful look like thinking positively about things changing?
Not when it keeps us from accepting the reality of what we’re sensing, it doesn’t.
When we learn to let go of hoping for things to be different or fearing when things end or change, we reconnect to ourselves again. This develops trust in our ability to handle the present moment. Then, we can acknowledge and explore what we’re feeling, better understanding the nature of our experience instead of avoiding it. We learn to see that nothing’s wrong with us for sensing discomfort and become more compassionate towards ourselves because of it.
Responding with self-compassion allows us to attend to our needs rather than denying our pain. The more we meet our needs, the more we build the capacity to move from being stuck in fear and hoping for change while doing nothing. But to do all that, we must bravely accept the nature of life as it is. In life, things do fall apart, and there is pain. We can’t avoid these facts. They will happen and bring plenty of pain and discomfort when they do.
But we don’t have to keep adding to our suffering.
Learning to give up all hope of alternatives to our present experience means that we can “be in a joyful relationship with our lives, one that no longer ignores the realities of impermanence and death”. Without experiencing the pains in life, we can’t experience its joy, either, and we have everything we need in the moment to experience both.
When we stop resisting these truths, we begin to relax with ourselves and the uncertainty in our lives. We start to accept our realities with more courage to face pain and discomfort because we finally see that we’ll do what’s necessary to meet our needs as they arise with self-compassion. It doesn’t mean we’re bad because we have a need and sense discomfort from it, no matter what we’ve been taught to believe.
Life brings up a kaleidoscope of sensations in our bodies. When something ends, something else begins. Change is always happening, and not in the way we hope. Things come together and fall apart.
We will, too.
But it’s trusting that we’re capable and allowed to meet our needs as they arise that’s the hard part.
Tell me, what are you learning to let go of to experience more of your life and rebuild self-trust?
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A slight edit on this video (because I couldn’t be arsed to re-record the whole thing), is when I complained about people saying they were “demand avoidant”, but aren’t. What I meant was when they say they are pathological demand avoidant, but theyaren’t. Demand avoidance is real, but pathological demand avoidance is something entirely different.
SC xo
Hey friends,
Chapter 4, which I called He never does anything you ask him to! or Dhruv’s story, was one of my favourite ones to write. But it was also the one that humbled me a whole hell of a lot because it turned into the last one I finished. (I say why in the video).
Dhruv’s story was a challenging ADHD story to tell because of the inclusion of co-occurring PDA alongside the unique experiences of biracial or multiracial students, cognitive inflexibility and a crash course in teaching with learner autonomy in mind.
There was a lot going on, but this 8-minute clip is a bite-sized part of it.
In it, I share a little about demand-free time, connecting it with the nervous system and the PDAers’ need for safety that is found through having complete autonomy.
I don’t think this chapter could have turned out the way it did without my editor’s PDA assistant and, most importantly, the experience and insights I got from the counselling I’ve done alongside my PDAers. Much like the students in my book, I think I learned more from you than you did from me. Thank you for trusting me to support you with your experiences.
To everyone else, I hope this video’s insights help in some small way or make you think a little differently.
I know that writing this chapter did both for me.
With love and gratitude,
SC xo
PS.I’m not super comfy being on video yet. At. All. I’m learning to step outside my comfort zone just a tiny bit here. The videos will normally be for my paid subscribers, but I thought I’d share one and see how I felt.
Let me know your experiences of PDA, demand avoidance or cognitive inflexibility and how you’re learning to manage it.
This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ndnarratives.substack.com/subscribe
To reconnect with ourselves (the sensations in our bodies), so we can understand what we might need at that moment, means we need to pause. But pausing feels very scary to our bodies. This episode not only looks at why pausing feels so bad to us but how we can start to develop a practice of pausing in the times where we feel "safe- enough" so that when we actually do need to pause in our challenging moments, we can access that skill a little more than before.
In the episode:
1. New (even if it's a good thing) is still different and uncomfortable
2. Pausing as dangerous
3. Pausing in conflict
Resources:
Tara Brach podcast
Connect with me:
IG: @nd.narratives
Twitter: @ndnarratives
Site: Neurodivergent Narratives
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When I was batching these episodes, it occurred to me that maybe some of you were like me and a little lost when it comes to trying to understand what "discomfort " might actually feel like in your body when thinking of emotions. So this episode is a short one and it talks about how I might describe what I'm trying to feel when I think of "discomfort in the body." It also shares some more specifics around what sensations might feel like when they are uncomfortable, my thoughts about chronic pains, sensory sensitivities and why this matters for managing neurodivergence and being in this society. There are many questions and a few ideas that you might think about in developing your own practices too. I think there's a lot here in such a short episode.
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Site: Neurodivergent Narratives
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
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FYI: I use the f word in the intro! It wasn't edited out this episode.
Introspection is one of the things that we hear talked about a lot but it's not really talked about when it comes to what it means for being in this society. When we live in a society that works to separate the body from the mind, reconnecting with our body becomes a radical act. Because it's in our body that holds more of our answers about what we really need in order to be at our best. and often that means doing a lot differently than society expects from us.
This episode gives us reasons why working on understanding what our body needs can be so tricky when we're dealing with introspection issues and some of the things I've learned to help me become a little better with it and how I've worked with others.
Connect with me:
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Site: Neurodivergent Narratives
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
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I'm pleased with this episode. I've shared some introductory thoughts about the mind and body connection with neurodivergent people in mind. I talk a little about how society divides us not only from the land and each other but from ourselves. Privileging the mind over the knowledge that comes from our bodies makes me think that for us ND brained people, (who seem to be drawn to being connected to our bodies but have been forced not to be), it's even more important to start rebuilding that relationship between our mind and body. We need to get comfortable with the discomfort of making choices that align with what we really need and we can't do that without reconnecting with ourselves again.
Some highlights include:
1. Our neurodivergent brain's job
2. Society and the brain
3. Neurodivergent brains, nervous systems and trauma responsiveness
4. Narrative therapy ties in too
5. Starting to relearn about the messages behind the discomfort
Connect with me:
IG: @nd.narratives
Twitter: @ndnarratives
Site: Neurodivergent Narratives
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
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One thing I tend to go on about is that when the story is told by one perspective, the problems and solutions are only seen from that perspective too. In talking about neurodivergence, we tend to be sharing the experiences from a lot about white boys, girls, men and women perspectives. No one else (because unless otherwise said, the default has always been white). Culturally competent care and support are much needed in giving those of us who are the most marginalised the kind of support we need that works well for the lives we actually lead.
Three thoughts:
1. Attribute certain behaviours to a medical condition differ across ethnic groups
2. Ethnic differences in reporting, Lack of awareness in the culture
3. Beliefs around neurodivergence and mental health
Resources (from the last few episodes on this topic)
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in first- and second-generation immigrant children and adolescents: A nationwide cohort study in Sweden https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022399920308928
Autism Spectrum and Other Neurodevelopmental Disorders in Children of Immigrants: A Brief Review of Current Evidence and Implications for Clinical Practice
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.566368/full
Mental health care utilisation and access among refugees and asylum seekers in Europe: A systematic review
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0168851019300399
Systematic Review and Meta-analysis: The Prevalence of Mental Illness in Child and Adolescent Refugees and Asylum Seekers
https://www.jaacap.org/article/S0890-8567(19)32175-6/fulltext
Immigrant Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: The Relationship between the Perspective of the Professionals and the Parents’ Point of View https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3647629/
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.566368/full
Connect with me:
IG: @nd.narratives
Twitter: @ndnarratives
Site: Neurodivergent Narratives
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
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Maybe this episode will make sense to some of you, or maybe it won't. But hear me out.
I started thinking a little more deeply about boredom and how terrible it feels for people.
Then I started thinking about the messages we got when we were bored growing up and how they felt. It led me to think that if something like boredom can be so connected to doing things and what it means if we're NOT doing things, then surely it must be connected to capitalism and if it is, then surely depending on who you are there's always an underlying message of what we've learned to make it mean about different people when they're bored...
and what systemic barriers gets hidden in society when we do that.
This episode introduces some initial thoughts about the intersection of boredom and different identities (some of which I definitely rant on about better than others I think) and I hope leaves you thinking about how we can rethink the ways we've been taught to think and feel about boredom.
Connect with me:
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Site: Neurodivergent Narratives
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
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A theme that seems to come up a lot with the people I work with is around the anxiety and stress that comes up from feeling a lack of clarity for ND people. I even wonder if it's something that feels a lot worse the further you are on the margins with your intersecting identities too because this is something I've struggled with as well.
This episode looks at why we might feel so damn messed up when things don't feel clear, rather than feel like we can go with what we want to do next or solve the issue our own way and some thoughts on what you can do to support yourself. This also ties in a little more with the boredom episode, I did previously (where I blame all the things on society in that one too).
Three thoughts on a lack of clarity:
1. Our autonomy has been taken
2. Seeing too much around us to decide what's most important
3. Double masking challenges
Connect with me:
IG: @nd.narratives
Twitter: @ndnarratives
Site: Neurodivergent Narratives
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
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Boredom often connects to productivity for me and this didn't sit right with me for some reason, so I decided I needed to learn more about it. The initial title for this episode was 'is boredom really our fault though?' and that question was what guided my research. It made me wonder if there was more to it. I think I was right.
This episode hits on a few ideas around how anticipation, autonomy, creativity and flow might connect to boredom and how boredom might be telling us a lot more than just 'there's nothing to do and I really hate that...'
This is the first of a short series on some thoughts and ideas around boredom.
Three things on boredom in society:
1. Boredom as anticipation of something to happen
2. Boredom as a way to police free time
3. Boredom as potential for (unwanted) change
Resources:
What does Boredom do to us and for us
Why boredom is anything but boring
The fascinating history of boredom
Affect and critique: A politics of boredom
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This week's episode looks predominately at refugee (although, I do think I mention immigrant populations occasionally too) populations and my thoughts about some of the research I've been doing around lack of mental health support. I don’t hear a lot talked about this community when speaking about ADHD or neurodivergence and that's a problem especially with the kind of things I learned. Indeed, there aren't many studies on it either and when there are, they tend to focus on refugees living within certain countries. Culturally competent care is so incredibly necessary because I think this episode shows how clinician biases can really keep people from seeing beyond what they want to see and not what else could be true at the same time too. This is one of a few episodes I've recorded on this topic around immigrant, refugee and asylum-seeking communities and neurodivergence.
Three thoughts on:
1. Significantly higher mental health needs
2. PTSD and depression are the most frequently diagnosed
3. Reasons for underutilized services
Connect with me:
IG: @nd.narratives
Twitter: @ndnarratives
Site: Neurodivergent Narratives
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
Resources:
Mental health care utilisation and access among refugees and asylum seekers in Europe: A systematic review
Systematic Review and Meta-analysis: The Prevalence of Mental Illness in Child and Adolescent Refugees and Asylum Seekers
Autism Spectrum and Other Neurodevelopmental Disorders in Children of Immigrants: A Brief Review of Current Evidence and Implications for Clinical Practice
Association between immigrant background and ADHD: a nationwide population-based case-control study
Support the show
Get full access to Neurodivergent Narratives at ndnarratives.substack.com/subscribe
This here is episode 50 and I am so thrilled to welcome my first guest! The most special-est, wonderful-est person I know talks to me about creativity, school and lots more. I know they'll leave you smiling with their wisdom and insights. It's short but it feels like my best episode yet.
Thank you all for being here for the first 50!
Connect with me:
IG: @nd.narratives
Twitter: @ndnarratives
Site: Neurodivergent Narratives
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
Support the show
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This episode talks a little about the story of someone I work with and from an intersectional lens (being an immigrant to a "western country", second language speaker and a person of colour). The problems that he was going through in order to get a proper diagnosis and thoughts on three things have made it difficult for him to get the proper diagnosis and support that he needed. These are merely some initial thoughts as I go deeper into this in upcoming episodes specifically when looking at immigrants, refugees and asylum seekers and neurodivergence...
CORRECTION: I mention PDA profile autistics and making eye contact with ease, but actually want to clarify that it LOOKS as if it's easy and natural, but it's not always the case! It can be extremely spoon-draining to mask in ways where you're forcing yourself to make eye contact as a PDA autistic too!
Three thoughts on:
1. Lack of cultural competency
2. Language barriers
3. Clinician bias of language
Connect with me:
IG: @nd.narratives
Twitter: @ndnarratives
Site: Neurodivergent Narratives
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
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In this episode, I'm musing on inflexible thinking. I don’t think that we’re naturally inflexible as much as it’s just naturally looking at what matters to us at the moment. It looks inflexible, but the thing is that you’ve not convinced us (or I've not convinced myself) that what you think is important is really that important.
I'm not saying that there isn't an EF skills component to this, but perhaps inflexibility is a little more than us struggling to do what is important, but like everything, more complex. There's a whole lot of layers to get us to shift from what we think is necessary now to believe and feeling that another thing is actually important even if it's not happening at that moment yet.
This episode looks at 3 things that happen when we're trying to be a little more flexible.
- Consistency in meeting immediate needs
- Convince me (what I can't see) it matters more
- I can’t see what’s important later
Connect with me:
IG: @nd.narratives
Twitter: @ndnarratives
Site: Neurodivergent Narratives
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
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This episode looks at Black Excellence and exceptionalism and how this might be experienced with neurodivergence.
NOTE: I do stick to centering race in this episode, but I believe that depending on the different identities you hold there will be a lot of familiar feelings here. There's a lot of complexity in these topics.
Three thoughts on navigating exceptionalism while trying to excel:
1. Access implications
2. Imposter syndrome
3. Whiteness as the reference point
Connect with me:
IG: @nd.narratives
Twitter: @ndnarratives
Site: Neurodivergent Narratives
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
Resources:
Narrative Therapy with Coaching: an introduction
We Need to Talk about the Pressure of Black Excellence
Intro & Outro music: Joseph McDade
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The start of season two and the format is a bit different. A bit shorter, a bit more stories, not just the strategies but also a lot more centering intersectional neurodiversity.
This neurodivergent space is full of erasure. It’s in the language and the way that it centers white people and not just white boys in its assessments and who the influencers, big named leaders etc are in the space. When we’re dealing with seeing the same type of people share the same type of stories, we get the same type of support and solutions.
Three ways we gendering presentations erases the experiences of the most marginalised or historically marginalised identities:
1.Female autism as a way to hide -isms in the system
-
Inattentive ADHD as a way to explain some ADHD presentations depending on who it is
-
The system harms white people too
Dr. Devon Price:
Article mentioned
Wentworth Miller, Mental Health Stigma, and Masked Autism
Preorder their newest book:
Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity
His latest book:
Laziness Does Not Exist
Connect with me:
IG: @nd.narratives
Twitter: @ndnarratives
Site: Neurodivergent Narratives
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
Intro & Outro music: Joseph McDade
Support the show
Get full access to Neurodivergent Narratives at ndnarratives.substack.com/subscribe
I’m not just going to leave you thinking that it’s a lost cause and that there’s nothing we can do when we’re dealing with rejection. I don't think it's like that I’ve made improvements, I’ve made shifts in my thinking and I’ve made my way forward. I think there is something that is so powerful when we remember that we’ve got a choice. It's not easy to manage rejection, but I think that there are ways that we can get better at it. I think that there are ways that we can see how it is for us and find what works rather than be resigned to a life of complete unpredictability with our emotional dysregulation.
Things I'm trying:
1. How we read situations
2. Struggles with introspection
3. Emotional regulation strategies
4. Movement matters
5. Managing racing thoughts
6. Understanding our triggers
7. Understanding our processes
8. Understanding our differences
Takeaway:
The real problem of being labelled rejection sensitive.
Connect with me:On IG@theadhdgoodlifeOn FB@adhdgoodlifeOn Twitter@theadhdgoodlifeSite:www.wellnessandwhiteboards.com
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
Intro & Outro music: Joseph McDade T-shirt I'm wearing: ND Renegade
Support the show
Get full access to Neurodivergent Narratives at ndnarratives.substack.com/subscribe
This episode came up from one of my patron's question about rejection and the ability to decipher what rejection stems from ADHD (or other neurodivergent conditions) and what doesn't. The thought being, that if there were a way to figure this out, then maybe there might be a way to manage rejection better because of its source. This episode is my thoughts on the complexity I feel around rejection and why.
Connect with me:On IG@theadhdgoodlifeOn FB@adhdgoodlifeOn Twitter@theadhdgoodlifeSite:www.wellnessandwhiteboards.com
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
Intro & Outro music: Joseph McDade T-shirt I'm wearing: ND Renegade
Support the show
Get full access to Neurodivergent Narratives at ndnarratives.substack.com/subscribe
Here's part two in the series on thoughts about "RSD" (rejection sensitivity dysphoria). This one is where I dive into some thoughts on rejection from an intersectional lens and wonder what kind of narrative we learn about who is rejected and how we're all forced to deal with rejection based on the identities that we hold. What kind of messages are we given about rejection? What are the expectations to manage rejection determined by? Is it all in our heads?
Connect with me:On IG@theadhdgoodlifeOn FB@adhdgoodlifeOn Twitter@theadhdgoodlifeSite:www.wellnessandwhiteboards.com
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
Intro & Outro music: Joseph McDade T-shirt I'm wearing: ND Renegade
Support the show
Get full access to Neurodivergent Narratives at ndnarratives.substack.com/subscribe
RSD : Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a cluster of emotionally painful symptoms that arise in reaction to perceived judgement or rejection from others.
It’s no surprise that we’re rejection sensitive. We’re sensitive about a lot of emotions, not just rejection. Emotions feel big in these bodies. Breakups make us fall to pieces but falling in love is something so euphoric too. But RSD, I’m still struggling with it. I know that people say they struggle with it and I’m not one to downplay anyone's struggles. But I guess the thing that I’m always stuck with about the RSD narrative is, is it something that we have (pathologically speaking) or is it something that’s happened to us (this society), a combination of both (ADHD symptoms and society), or is it something that’s completely different we’re dealing with like trauma... This episode is the start of a new short series where I start questioning some of the things I've learned about RSD.
Connect with me:On IG@theadhdgoodlifeOn FB@adhdgoodlifeOn Twitter@theadhdgoodlifeSite:www.wellnessandwhiteboards.com
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
Intro & Outro music: Joseph McDade T-shirt I'm wearing: ND Renegade
Support the show
Get full access to Neurodivergent Narratives at ndnarratives.substack.com/subscribe
This episode is one where I give some initial thoughts on shame and blame. I've been drawn to Audre Lorde's quote that "there are no single-issue problems because we don't live single-issue lives" and I really appreciate this when I think about intersectionality and neurodiversity because we are such complex beings but often grow up not seen or able to show that complexity.
We are so different, yet are pressured into being "the same" and trying to give "explanations for and fix" our differences so that we can make sure others don't feel the discomfort (or we don't feel the discomfort) that comes with taking responsibility or facing shame. Blame is a lot easier to do and sit with, whether we're blaming ourselves or others. Shame not so much and there's a lot of ways we're defined by the one thing that we're blamed for and then shamed (or feel shame because of it), meanwhile our differences don't make it into the part of our story and they need to be.
Thoughts include:
Blame as a way to deal with shame
Blame, being invisible and shame tied together
No single issue problems
Lack of representation and colour blindness
Thoughts on self-blame
Takeaway:
Seeing differences
Connect with me:On IG@theadhdgoodlifeOn FB@adhdgoodlifeOn Twitter@theadhdgoodlifeSite:www.wellnessandwhiteboards.com
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
Intro & Outro music: Joseph McDade T-shirt I'm wearing: ND Renegade
Support the show
Get full access to Neurodivergent Narratives at ndnarratives.substack.com/subscribe
This episode is a little different than I've done before. It's the audio taken from an IG Live that I recorded (and it's on my IG feed) where I finally shared my feeling and response on another podcast where it was said that there were no Black ADHD coaches, and the apologies that came after this. This is my response. There's an intro that explains the situation in more detail followed by the normal podcast intro, and then into the IG Live audio from there.
Erasure is something that so many of us experience in our lives when our struggles are not seen and our pleas for help go ignored. For those of us from the most marginalised groups in society, we experience erasure on a near-daily basis. We've grown up with the messages that the things that are fundamental to who we are, are not worthy of being seen or acknowledged. Erasure ignores our struggles, our needs and our unique experiences in the world. It's harmful, violent and racist and we all need to do better in considering where our privilege allows us to erase the lived experiences of others.
This podcast explores this not only in the scope of this podcast but also in my own life as well. I hope that we can learn something together.
Connect with me:On IG@theadhdgoodlifeOn FB@adhdgoodlifeOn Twitter@theadhdgoodlifeSite:www.wellnessandwhiteboards.com
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
Intro & Outro music: Joseph McDade T-shirt I'm wearing: ND Renegade
Support the show
Get full access to Neurodivergent Narratives at ndnarratives.substack.com/subscribe
In part three of my mini-series on Blame and Responsibility, I talk more about responsibility and what's made it difficult for us to take responsibility. It also looks at the importance of responsibility in taking action and how we can start looking at it a little differently to make some changes in our lives.
Things I've Realised:
1. How we've learned to react
2. Responsibility not being modelled
3. Blame as disempowering
4. Blame vs Responsibility
Takeaway:
Reflections on patterns of blame (and self-blame) and journaling prompts
Connect with me:On IG@theadhdgoodlifeOn FB@adhdgoodlifeOn Twitter@theadhdgoodlifeSite:www.wellnessandwhiteboards.com
Click for my free EBOOK on self-compassion: They Were Wrong About You!
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There are so many examples of where we see blame culture in society and the way that it impacts how we're able to see ourselves and the things that we sometimes feel we're able to do for ourselves. Many of us have hurdles to climb, so if it feels like it can be never ending sometimes, there are lots of reasons for it.
Review on the previous episode but go back to episode 35 to hear more...
1. Poverty and Black People
2. COVID-19 in the UK
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This week I'm starting a three part series on blame and responsibility. Blame is disempowering and it's hard to take responsibility when we grow up learning that who we are is always the problem. This episode looks at why that is and how I think this society has us blaming each other and ourselves so that the real problems that hold us all back can go ignored.
My thoughts:
1. School and Blame
2. Blaming ourselves
3. Learned helplessness
4. Intersecting identities
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This week I share on self-care, but not so much on what I think we should do to take care of ourselves but why it's so damn difficult to do things for ourselves even when we know it's good for us. Self-care feels like a buzz word and we're shamed for doing it or shamed if we can't. But I think it's so much more layered and the difficulties in putting our needs first are way more complex. Just like everything else in life, leading with a lot more self-compassion will definitely be key.
Key points:
Self-care is connected to what we need in the moment
We're not trained to feel we can take time out for ourselves
Looking to others to see if we deserve it
Struggling with self-regulation makes it difficult
Self-care in cycles (we don't always need the same things to take care of ourselves)
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This episode builds on intersectionality (see episode 15 for an introduction) as a tool to better understand the social problems in today's society by looking at the role of power in the organisation of society. For intersectional analysis, there are four domains of power and I talk about them today and give examples to better illustrate what I mean.
- Structural domain
- Disciplinary power
- Hegemonic power
- Interpersonal power
Take away: understanding our own privileges and oppressions
Resource mentioned:Episode 15: Intersectionality 101Ta Neshi Coates:The Case for Reparations (The Atlantic)
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In the final part of my series on potential, I have a think about how perfectionism plays a role in this whole mess and what I'm trying to do about it. I really believe that perfectionism is something that we end up struggling with because of what we learn about potential growing up too and this episode looks at how that happens, why that continues to limit us and what I'm learning to do about it.
Remember:
1. Potential is about the future
2. Our past self isn't the person that goes after potential
What I learned:
1. Perfectionism is about a self that doesn't exist
2. Perfect-future selves keep us frozen with inaction
3. Daydreaming as stimulation, not evidence
What we can do:
1. Get to know yourself
2. Big goals scare you (in a good way)
3. Decide a way forward
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This episode is part 3 of my series on potential. I consider my past self and future self, what all that has to do with potential and what I'm learning about what it means to take my potential back along the way. If you haven't checked out my last couple of episodes on potential do that first. They consider why potential has been such a difficult word for us and how we can start to redefine it for ourselves.
What I'm Doing Now:
- Become more self-aware
- Set our own idea of success
- Do the inner work
- Someone’s opinion on your potential has nothing to do with you
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This episode is part two of an impromptu series I started on potential. This is a word that I've grown up using but really disliking. It's something that a lot of us ADHDers have nightmares about no doubt. This episode starts to look at another way of thinking about "potential" and why we might have been misled to what it actually means and why.
What I'm learning:
1. Potential is about the future but we get stuck in the past
2. Potential should be set by us and no one else
3. Potential should inspire us, not shame us
4. Potential isn't actually attainable - and that's a good thing!
5. Reaching potential should never have been the goal
6. Potential should grow and change as we do
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As ADHDers, we grow up with potential being lorded over us and being told that we can't seem to meet it, and any time we come close to it, we just never quite manage to grasp it. It's become a word that I've really come to dislike, and this episode explains why...
This is a short series I'm going to do where I'll explore what is potential and whether we've been taught to think of it in the wrong way? If so, how can we go about changing those beliefs in a way that makes sense and works for us? Either way, hopefully, this episode will have you rethinking about what potential should mean for you.
The Problem with Potential and ADHD
1. Invisible condition that's consistently inconsistent
2. We're working the best we can
3. Society already decided our potential for us
4. Potential is often set by looking at us
5. Gender binary problems - always!
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There's so much we need to relearn and unlearn in this journey to living at our best with ADHD (and our other neurodivergent conditions) and a lot of the ways that we learned to talk to ourselves, is definitely one of the things. In this episode, I share some of my favourite phrases that we need really understand what they mean, how damaging they are so we can finally start to let them go.
What we heard growing up:
1. "Try Harder"
2. "You're being lazy"
3. "Pay closer attention"
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This episode is the last half of the previous episode (although there is a touch bit of overlap), but it defines cognitive dissonance a little clearer. It also goes into more of some of the ways I'm trying and learning in order to keep the should-ing language a lot less and manage the discomfort of cognitive dissonance.
What I thought:
A quick review of some thoughts around what I should be
What I learned:
Different factors affecting the degree of cognitive dissonance
What I'm trying:
1. Remember ADHD is a disability
2. Self-doubt and the brain
3. Disprove old beliefs
4. What other ways could I try?
Resources
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/326738#overview Connect with me:On IG@theadhdgoodlifeOn FB@adhdgoodlifeOn Twitter@theadhdgoodlifeSite:www.wellnessandwhiteboards.com
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I read some where that saying should to yourself was like always being in cognitive dissonance and I really felt that it made so much sense. for us ADHDers we seem to always be in cognitive dissonance because we’re always stuck between what we feel we want to be/do and what we feel we should/shouldn’t do/be. It’s such an uncomfortable place to be too. This episode looks at what I’m learning about ‘should’ about reducing the amount of ‘should-ing’ I’m doing on myself.
What I’m learning:
1. It’s hard to hold two conflicting thoughts in my head at the same time on the topic about myself
2. It’s hard to change something I’ve always believed
3. Our brains really like to know what’s going on
4. ADHD makes learning new thoughts really difficult
5. Messages from society really impact what we feel we should/shouldn’t do
Takeaway:
Learning to reduce the gap between should and what you want.
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This episode is one of my most personal yet where I share more about growing up as a transracial adoptee and how I learned that hiding and becoming invisible and being what I thought everyone wanted me to be was my way for avoiding the unpredictability of other people's reactions to me being different. I look at what I'm trying to do in order to become more visible and step into my power. What is working and what I'm still working on during this slow, yet powerful journey to becoming myself.
What I grew up with:
- The impact of colour blindness
- Being a transracial adoptee
- Lack of representation
What I'm learning (and trying)
- Saying no (or yes)
- Feeling my emotions
- Quit over apologising
What I'm learning (and still struggle with)
1. Feeling comfort in my body
2. Comfortable with compliments
3. Comfort with success
4. Putting my needs first
5. Using my voice
Take away:
One small self-care promise to develop self-trust...
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I've talked a lot about learning about the impact of my ADHD on my life and understanding it more, but I couldn't continue this mini-series centring ADHD without considering how I'm learning to recognise and utilise my strengths in things I liked but also how I might harness them more often in areas that I'm struggling with.
What I'm learning:
- Creativity
- Interpersonal Intuition (totally messed up and said intuitive thou!)
- Hyper-focus
- Impulsivity
- Energy
- Time
- Sensitivity
- Memory
How I'm using/finding my strengths:
- ADHD strengths &
- My sense of time
- What feels great it
- Natural flow
- Curiosity
Resources:
https://www.simplywellbeing.com/being-adhd/adhd-intuition/https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-creativity-of-adhd/
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Here’s the second half from last week. This time I look at what it’s been like to try to maintain my ADHD management and some of the thoughts and tricks I’ve learned along the way. The first half of this episode might seem a bit dismal (I’m learning just like the rest of you), but there are ideas and things to think about that can make all the difference too that I explore in the second half.
What I realised
- It’s on-going
- It’s consistently inconsistent
- Hyperfocus can go for a long time
- My own internalised ableism
What I’m doing now:
- Understanding my processes
- Old habits die hard
- Be aware of clues
- Lots of inner work and healing
- Forgiveness and grace
- Decide my own needs and declaring
Takeaway tips:
- Things to think about
- Cultivating sel compassion
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This week is another patron’s request podcast episode and this one centers ADHD more than any others I’ve written before. I’m talking about how I’ve been learning to understand my ‘Brand of ADHD’ and the ways that it impacts my life when I’ve not been as aware about it. I think that understanding who we are is vital if we’re going to get a good idea of what we need in order to be at our best. At the end of the day, ADHD can be very disabling so the better we know how it looks for us, the better we’ll be at putting the supports in place to work with it, rather than against it.
This is the start of a two or maybe three part series I’m not sure yet but I think that looking at the beginning months of my journey might be a good start for many people about things to think about on their journey.
What I thought
- Meds were the only answer
- Coaching was the other answers
What I know now:
- Learn my ADHD symptoms
- Notice good coping mechanisms
- Notice what brings joy
- Notice distractions
- Notice unhelpful coping mechanisms
- Understand your co-occuring conditions
- Understand your meds
Remember: It’s an on-going thing, and consistently inconsistent.
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This week is I took a bit of a break from the series I’m in the middle of and asked my Patrons what they might want to hear me speak on. Self validation is something that’s a bit tricky for ADHDers and we look to others to make sure that we’re doing all we should be doing and end up in the trap using their feedback as a way to validate ourselves. It gives other people a lot of power over us when we look to them to decide if we can feel good about ourselves or not. The podcast looks at how this shows up in my life what I’ve learned so far and things I’ve trying to do in order to change things.
What I’ve learned so far: 9:35(ish)
What I’ve tried: 19:30 (ish)
Takeaway tip: 32:30 (ish)
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This characteristic of either/or thinking really permeates into how I’ve made decisions in the past and how I’ve thought of myself. It’s been difficult for me to think in terms of grey area in my life and decisions. I’m a person that believes I need to have the exact qualification, I need to look the exact acceptable way otherwise it’s wrong. I grew up with things having to be a certain way, or I was wrong. There was no space for other ideas or thinking.
But this seems to go completely against the way that our brains work and lead to a lot of dissonances, as we must try to make ourselves do the one thing the way that we’ve been told or else it’s wrong. We’re wrong. This often leads us to feel anxious and overwhelmed because we want to explore the options as we know there must be, but we can’t because of urgency and this kind of thinking. It’s not a natural way of thinking for us to navigate, yet we hyperfocus on why we can’t just do the thing at the same time.
This episode
- Basic information (as seen on dismantlingracism.org)
- What I learned
- How it might impact ADHD and different thoughts on intersectionality
- What I’ve done to start dismantling this thinking
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I’m back with part two of this episode and this is where I go into the impact that this belief might have on us ADHDers and what we might struggle with. This episode looks at what we can do to start dismantling these ideas in all of us.
Challenges for ADHD:
- Writing struggles
- Speaking expectation
- Intuitive intuition
- Attention span for reading and writing
- Black ppl getting more severe diagnosis for mental illness anyway
- Schools testing
- Black students seen as less intelligent
- We have many skills and they aren’t recognised
What I’ve learned:
- figure out which things need to be written down and come up with alternative ways to document
- work to recognize the contributions and skills that every person brings to the organization
- make sure anything written can be clearly understood
- Ask yourself: How are you perpetuating/internalised this belief? How are you working to recognise the different contributions and skills of ppl you work with, in your family and supporting growth in those areas?
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I think I’ve always been aware that I wasn’t really considered ‘good enough’ in this society, even while growing up as a transracial adoptee, away from other Black people to tell me that. But I spent my whole life trying to prove I was anyway. I chased the dream that if I could just be the best at what I do, surely I would show how good I was and thus be treated with every respect because of all I knew.
Only, it rarely works like that if you're Black. By default, we walk into most schools and are already considered the least intelligent ones there. Coupled with any ADHD presentations that are taken as further evidence of this fact, it makes it that much harder to convince (white) people that you could be very good at what you do. It’s pretty much decided for you that reaching your ‘potential’ will be a non-event, so it’s up to you to prove to everyone that they’re wrong.
White suprematist culture society overvalues the English language and the written word. It’s been the gatekeeper that’s kept my Black brothers from ever believing they couldn’t be anything remotely successful in life. It’s what’s kept me from achieving my childhood dream of becoming a clinical psychologist too, because I just couldn’t get my grades high enough with the ways my knowledge was assessed. But my brothers never fit the school system. No one really cared what they were good at because the only choices they had were to suffer the system or not. If they couldn’t conform, the problem was them and they’d be disposed of. Neither one of them finished high school in a traditional way.
I learned quick that doing well in school was what I had to do in order to be acceptable. If I could manage to get some sort of qualifications and find some sort of success with academics, then I maybe would be worth something more. Then I would have proved it, because I finally had that paper in my hand.
But with every paper that you get, it never feels like enough. There is always someone else that has a better one, from a better place or completed the right way.
Worthiness is never felt when it’s looked at from the lens of trying to reach ‘your potential.’
In school I was quite good at the language part, (especially when you ignored the fact that my exam grades could drop my final grades by about 15%, which everyone did), but maths was always difficult and I never did nearly as well. That closed a lot of doors for me in furthering my education, but I got my masters in the end. Oddly enough, that’s never felt good enough either. When it comes to achieving my potential, then it will never be good enough, because I know that regardless of my qualifications, being Black devalues them.
So in turn, I’ve learned to devalue myself.
I have a list of all the ways I’m not good enough that my ADHD brain loves to remind me of. What I couldn’t do at school, and the qualifications I’ll never have comes up often. There’s not a lot of joy around receiving my MA either, regardless of how much I worked to get it, that I’m the only one in my family who will ever receive one, or the fortune I have in even having one in the first place!
I know a lot of people say that a late ADHD diagnosis feels terrible because of what could have been. Sometimes I think of that too. But I also saw what happened to my Black brothers even though they were both diagnosed as kids. That fact didn’t save them, and it reminds me that the same thing probably would have happened to me too. Being diagnosed at a younger age doesn’t guarantee access to support, consideration for your abilities, or escape from the overlapping oppressions that decide your potential (and thus attempt to determine your worthiness) the moment you walk through the school doors. Being diagnosed younger is much better, I completely agree, but for so many students, it still won’t matter.
My potential was funnelled to this point by a culture that values only a certain way of communicating knowledge, particularly when that person is white. My strengths or who I was, were never considered in the potential that was set for me. Neither was what I needed to best show my knowledge or how I learned either. I don’t think that I was ever seen for who I really was or what mattered to me in the first place. I’m also pretty sure I was thought of as someone that would do a lot worse in life, so there wasn’t much of a point in supporting her efforts.
Only, I didn’t do as badly as they all thought. But I know I could have done a lot better. Especially if they were willing to see me as I was and all I could be, instead of what little they thought I should be.
Now it’s time to set my potential myself, because I see a whole lot of possibilities in me that no one took the time to see.
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I know what I have to do. I want to do it (at least I think I do…), but I just can’t get myself to do it.
There tends to be a lot of shame and guilt behind procrastination for me and its intensity seems to vary depending on what it is that I’m avoiding. For example, when it’s other people’s deadlines, I’m almost guaranteed to do things at the last minute. It’s because I struggle to actually care about other people’s deadlines, especially when I don’t have an emotional connection to the reason why they think it’s so important.
Does this leave me with a bit of anxiety? Yes, it does.
Have I missed a few deadlines because I’ve messed up how long I thought it would take? Yes, I have.
But for things like organising my kid or getting his appointments set up, I’ll guilt myself over a little bit more than someone else’s deadline. Eventually, I’ll make a list of all the calls I need to make and do them all at once, often in the morning when my meds kick in, while I’m hanging up laundry or tidying the kitchen. The guilt of being a ‘bad mum’ will ultimately lead me to the point of getting something done because of what I’ve made that mean about me if I don’t do it and how strongly I feel about it.
Sometimes I procrastinate because I think the task will take a long time. This is tough because I don’t really know how long anything will take, which is a key point of information I seem to forget every time I’m in this situation.
The general rule is: boring + tedious = a long time to complete.
I don’t know how long ‘a long time’ is. When I think of a long time, a number doesn’t pop up in my head. But its impact is just as serious though, often leaving me not doing very much. I struggle to resist procrastinating in these situations, mostly due to lack of interest or clarity in where to start. If I know where to start and I care enough, then I’ll get started. If it matters to me or the deadline is looming, I might get started. I might even get myself to look at the task again because each time I look at it, I tend to see something I missed. If I can find that missing piece, the whole puzzle opens up and I know I’ll jump in.
I know what to do for most of the things I can procrastinate on. I know what needs to happen in order to get them done. Better still, I’m a lot clearer on why I’m not doing the task in the first place now. Nothing’s set in stone and sometimes I’ll still guilt or shame myself over procrastinating on things I have to do, but ADHD is consistently inconsistent. I can’t be surprised when some of my go-to strategies don’t work. Still, understanding my ADHD has made a difference when it comes to getting most things done.
Until it comes to my fear of failure or success.
I’ll avoid releasing projects or things I’ve written months ago because of what I’m afraid will result in being ridiculed, dismissed or rejected by others. Without a doubt, it’s the things that I’ve created, where I’ve put my heart and soul into that I’ll procrastinate on the most. I’ve made these pieces equate to the amount of self-worth I have. If I fail then I’m not worthy. If I’m a success, then it’s about worrying how I’ll keep being a success, because any day they might see that I’m not worthy of it. They’ll see that I was never supposed to be successful in the first place.
Then they’ll call me out on their way out the door.
This kind of procrastination is so emotional for me. Its goal is to protect me from one of the things I fear most and it will do whatever it takes to make me reconsider, change my mind or even scare me into just giving up. It will tell me that I’m just confused, I don’t know quite enough yet, I don’t have the time or the right information. It will try to tell me in kindest ways possible that I should hold off at first. They seem so reasonable that I actually believe them…
“Yes, I really don’t have the time to do that thing”
“Yes, I really should do that one thing first (that is only loosely connected to the project but not really), before I start that big thing…”
“Yes, I’m still so confused about what I want and how I want to do that thing, that I should wait and see what happens…”
Or else things just get right nasty too, where I just feel like there is no point to any of it because I’ll never accomplish my goals. This is the most debilitating way I procrastinate because it’s not the waiting that hurts. It’s knowing what I’ve created or could do that I’ve kept hidden. It's telling myself all that I’m not capable of or shouldn’t risk doing because I can’t or shouldn’t do something. I know the ideas, projects and visions that might never see the light of day because I’m afraid of how they will do.
Actually, I’m afraid of what I’ll have to prove once I complete them.
Sometimes I have to put new ideas aside, test the waters with smaller similar projects, dance around the completion of the task by doing other little things that somewhat work toward it.
But occasionally my ADHD impulsivity gets the better of me and I just launch it, messy and all. Never quite done the way that imagined, and often riddled in mistakes. At this point, I’ve decided that it’s not worth caring about what people think. In reality, it’s my sneaky way of getting something done and reframing any mistakes like this project wasn’t a big deal and I just threw it out there.
This action is connected to how I’ve learned to think about myself; not quite capable of putting anything of real value together, so it really doesn’t matter what I do. And the project or idea? Not really important enough because it’s been done better by other people anyway, so I might as well give up before I get started.
Procrastination is complex. There are no doubt skills we’re missing to get things done. There are feelings we’re trying to avoid because our ADHD doesn’t emotionally regulate the way we’ve been told we needed to. But I think what’s worse to navigate are the stories we’ve been taught about ourselves. These stories are the ones that we’ve been conditioned to believe, they are the ones that add the pressure on top of the expectations society has on us to be a specific kind of productivity.
These are the stories that feed our procrastination and keep us stuck, because of what we’ve learned to make them mean about ourselves. About who we are and the worth that we have. When we learn that our worth is contingent on whether or not we can produce the thing, within the specific time frame and make it perfect at the same time, the gamble is much too high. Will I keep what little self-worth I have or should I risk it all to share this new project?
When I confront the fear and do it anyway, in a way that honours more of my authentic self, then at least I’m reminded that my self worth isn’t up for grabs.
Then I can get myself to do pretty much anything else… eventually.
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My unmanaged (and undiagnosed) ADHD added to the difficulty of emotionally regulating the shame and guilt I felt in hiding what being Black meant to me as a transracial adoptee. This impacted decisions I’ve made my whole life, including the person I thought I should be. I couldn’t cope with the dissonance of not understanding what it meant to me to be Black while living alone in white spaces. Instead, I forced myself to pretend that it didn’t matter what I thought or felt. I would show that I was a different Black person. That I belonged in the world of white spaces and being the only Black girl didn’t make a difference to me whatsoever.
I don’t think there are much harder emotions to regulate than the internalised oppression that forces us to hide who we fundamentally are. It creates the kind of shame that threatens to tattoos itself to our bones. It builds fear that forces us to stay hidden trying to fit into the expectations of others, denying more of our true selves. When we attempt to hide what isn’t acceptable, that also means burying parts of ourselves that we love too.
We walk around as shells of ourselves, while our insides battle for what version of ourselves should take control. The person that we know we are, or the person that we’ve been told to be. I could effectively be the person that everyone else wanted me to be when I didn’t have to think about who I was. The many addictions I had throughout my life helped me achieve this. I could keep my discomfort buried, and meet the needs of my undiagnosed ADHD at the same time. It was easier for my undiagnosed ADHD to feed off my various addictions rather than have to manage the emotions that came up from knowing that who I was would never truly be accepted.
On the outside, it seemed that I could somewhat keep it together, but this came with a delicate balance. My insides were always on high alert for any shame came up for denying my Blackness which left me feeling worse. Developing anti-Blackness seemed to ‘help’ manage my own internalised racism and internalised oppressions. I thought it separated me from the problem, so I could feel justified in proving that I was a different Black person. I cannot tell you the number of jobs and friendships I’ve lost, the thing I’ve done to try avoiding rejection and the ways I’ve betrayed myself, all in the name of proving myself. I never realised that every decision that ended in self-betrayal meant adding more layers to my already towering levels of shame.
I carry a lot of shame in this body.
Whenever my undiagnosed ADHD lashed out in meltdowns and crumbled into burnout, it was because I couldn’t handle all the dissonance inside me. The exhaustion of trying to regulate all this shame, while finding the strength to continue pretending to be all that I was never meant to be, would become too much to bear. The things we think are gone are never too far away, especially if we’ve never dealt with them in the first place. They keep coming back up when we least expect it, and rather than becoming a reason to try to make changes, it often becomes a reason to try harder to keep it together next time.
As long as we don’t work to repair the roots of the problem, there will always be another next time.
I don’t know how different I would have been if I grew up knowing that I could be the person I was. I don’t know how my undiagnosed ADHD would have dealt with the emotional dysregulation stemming from internalised oppression if there were safe spaces that I knew I could learn what my Blackness meant to me too. Instead, I learned that to survive meant fragmenting off the pieces of myself that were deemed unacceptable. But what I was asked to get rid of was way too substantial. It intertwined with all that it meant to be me. Each piece that I could break apart, ended up taking more than I ever anticipated with it while leaving more shame and guilt in its place. More shame and guilt that my undiagnosed ADHD had to somehow try to regulate, so I could keep pretending that I could be better than everyone expected me to be.
There’s no chance to show up authentically in your life when you’re forced to be everything but yourself. When my life fell apart, leaving me no choice but to begin to listen to myself, I finally got my ADHD diagnosed. Learning to manage my ADHD meant that I learned to stop looking to others to know who I was or my ways of being. I needed to make these decisions for myself. But now I had to learn about myself too.
My anti-Blackness became something that I needed to unpack, so I could create my own narrative around what it meant for me to be a Black woman. I still struggle every day to step more fully into my uniqueness. But the more that I learn about myself and what I need to be at my best, the more shame I release, and a little bit more of myself can emerge.
There is nothing harder for me than to emotionally regulate the weight of internalised oppression. Learning to accept and love who I am, regardless of what I find while putting those fragmented pieces of myself back together, is worth all the pain and discomfort the process of healing and rebuilding myself takes. I’ve found more joy in living in my truth than I ever felt in any moments being a shell of who I was trying to fit into the demands of the world around me.
It’s also come with the benefit of carrying less shame and that’s made all the difference.
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Blame keeps me stuck.
It isn't a very empowering emotion. When I'm blaming others it leaves me waiting for others to fix my problem, rather than fixing it myself. If I blame myself, most of the time I end up doing nothing but ruminating on what I’ve done. Blame often leaves me powerless, unable to see any control that I have in a situation or in my life.
And that’s exactly where white suprematist culture wants me to be.
Without taking responsibility, I won’t do anything but continue to sit in the belief taught to me that I am the problem. That everyone and everything around me is fine, it’s just me that can’t keep it together. Blame keeps me believing that something is wrong with me and I can’t change it because I can't do/be like everyone else.
That it’s all my fault.
As ADHDers we’ve spent our lives being blamed, criticised and corrected, for all the ways we’re different from society’s expectations. Then rarely given the chance to use our strengths or knowledge in making things right either. Instead, we were shamed into changing so we can fit into a system that wants us to “succeed” as individuals, but will weaponise our individuality against us the moment we make a mistake.
Or when we’re seen as too different from everyone else.
Taking responsibility to make changes in our lives is scary in this culture, and when managing overlapping oppressions, it’s often downright dangerous. When we see that who we are isn’t represented accurately or at all in this society, we learn how we’ll be accepted in our differences. For many marginalised people we’re wrong just by existing and we’ve been taught that all our whole lives. Fears of being ridiculed, punished or rejected for our differences are conditioned in us from a young age, and the need to hide, do what we’re told, or just accept how we’re treated comes from a need for safety.
We’re blamed so much we learn to stop trusting ourselves and the power that comes from self-awareness. We’re constantly betraying ourselves in the attempts to meet the expectations set for us by others. Then we’re blamed for not reaching them, even though they were never realistic or ever considered what we wanted or needed in the first place.
Gaining any sense of control in my life started the day I decided to take responsibility for it. When I decided that maybe I played a role in the chaos, it made me realise that I needed to take action. This meant coming to terms with the fact that maybe there were some things about me that I hadn’t faced before. It meant learning to sit with the discomfort and know that making changes would always start with me. If I wasn’t prepared to sit with my emotions and hear what I was saying to myself, then I would never know myself and what I wanted. Denying that my life was a mess so I could try to fit in was destroying me. What I had gained in trying to meet societal expectations rather than taking responsibility to create a life that truly worked for me, wasn’t worth all I had lost.
That’s what finally led me to get diagnosed with ADHD at age 40.
I couldn’t wait for anyone else to take responsibility for my life. Letting go of the blame meant learning to give me some self-compassion. Whatever I had done or not, it was the best I could with what I knew at that time. But maybe there were other choices I needed to make now, and that was OK because I am only human.
If my inaction participated in the mess that was around me, maybe my actions could create change too.
White supremacist culture is seeped in blaming ourselves and each other, with the aim of disempowering ourselves. It keeps us believing that who we are is the problem. It uses blame in order to deflect the real problems that lie within this system that continues to oppress those who are different and don’t meet its expectations.
Blame serves as the reminder of all the things we’re not (but should be), and how the only change we should be making are ones that get us closer to what society expects us to be.
Deciding to take responsibility for what we can in our lives, gives us our power back so we can choose another way.
Our own.
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