The Bible in Fewer Words: Recent Episodes
Carole and Steve Wells
Have you ever tried to read the Bible but just couldn't get through it? Well, if so, this podcast is for you.
We've taken the Bible, the whole Bible and nothing but the Bible, and reduced it to its core, leaving nothing out - except for the boring parts that no one is interested in, and no one needs to know about. It is, in fact, the Bible in fewer words.
So join Carole and Steve Wells as they present the Bible in a way its never been presented before.
In this episode:
Christians perform their first book burning,
a young man falls asleep and falls to his death during one of Paul's sermons,
four men take vows after shaving their heads,
and Paul is arrested by the Jews who try to kill him.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/276.html
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Paul circumcises Timothy, not because he believes circumcision is required (he doesn't), but because he is worried about what Timothy's Jewish neighbors might think. It was a politically correct circumcision.
Then the Holy Ghost prohibited Paul from preaching in Asia and Bithynia. So he went to Macedonia instead - since he had a dream about a man from Macedonia who said, "Come and help us."And at the end of the episode, Paul shaves his head because he had taken a vow. Was this the Nazarite vow as described in Numbers 6?
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/275.html
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The episode begins with the Holy Ghost sending Paul and Barnabas to Cyprus to do some work for him. While there, Paul blinded a man for opposing God and being a child of the devil.
The Jews tried to stone to death Paul and Barnabas twice, but they escaped without a single stone hitting them.
Chapter 15 has the famous Council of Jerusalem, where it seemed good to the Holy Ghost and to the apostles not to require male gentile converts to get circumcised. They wrote a letter to that effect, saying that only four things were required: abstaining from meat offered to idols, blood, things that are strangled, and fornication. When the epistle was read to the gentiles, there was much rejoicing.
The episode ends with Paul and Barnabas splitting up. Barnabas wanted John Mark to go with them, Paul said he wouldn't go if that guy came along. So they went their separate ways.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/274.html
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Peter has a dream (which is repeated three times) in which a sheet drops down from the sky with every kind of animal on it. Then a voice from heaven commands him to kill and eat all of the animals.
Some time later, Peter is imprisoned and an angel rescues him while he is sleeping between two soldiers.
Then king Herod made a speech that was so good that the people said he spoke with the voice of God, not a man. So God killed him (for not giving God the glory) by having him eaten by worms.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/273.html
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In this episode, Saul of Tarsus (who will later be called Paul) experiences his famous conversion on the road to Damascus.
Also, Simon Magus tries to buy some spiritual powers, and thereby invents the sin of simony. And Philip baptizes an Ethiopian eunuch without asking him to renounce his "eunuchness" before being baptized.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/272.html
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The first Christians were also the first communists. Everyone gave everything they had to the apostles, who distributed everything to each member according to their need.
It went along okay for a few verses, until a married couple (Ananias and Sapphira) sold their house, gave the some of money to the apostles, but kept some for themselves.
So God killed them for it.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/271.html
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The author of the gospel of Luke writes to Theophilus again to tell him about what the apostles did after Jesus died.
Jesus hung out with the apostles for forty days, then he beamed up to heaven while the apostles watched.
About ten days later, on the feast of Pentecost, the Holy Ghost came down put split tongues of fire on each of the apostles heads. They all started speaking in languages they didn't know. Those who saw them thought they were drunk.
Peter made a speech to the Jews accusing them of killing Christ. This impressed them so much that 3000 converted.
The Christians did not own property, but each received according to their need. They were the first communists.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/270.html
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The exciting double ending of the gospel of John.
Jesus rises from the dead, but no one seems to recognize him, at least at first sight. Thomas refuses to believe until he touches Jesus's wounds. Peter goes fishing naked and Jesus helps him catch 153 fish. And Jesus says it's none of Peter's business about whether or not the disciple whom Jesus loves lives to see Jesus come again. So it's probably none of your business either.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/269.html
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If you've listened to our previous episodes, then you've heard about Jesus's death before. But the story in John is different, so we're telling it again.
Here we learn who cut off the ear of the high priest.
And hear Pilate ask the question, "What is truth?"
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/268.html
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In this episode, Jesus washes his disciples feet and gives them a new commandment: Love one another.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/267.html
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There are only three people in the gospels who are said to be loved by Jesus, at least by name: Martha, Mary, and Lazarus. In this episode we meet all three, when Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/266.html
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In the gospel of Mark, Jesus cured two people with his spit: A blind man by spitting in his eyes, and a man who couldn't speak by rubbing his spit on the man's tongue (Episode 252).
But in this episode, Jesus does something even more impressive. He cures a blind man by making mud out of his spit and then rubbing it in the blind man's eyes.
Why don't the faith healers do this anymore?
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/265.html (change for episode)
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In chapter 6, Jesus tells his disciples that they must eat his flesh and drink his blood or they won't have any life in them. That was just too much for many of them. So many his disciples left him.
In the next chapter we learn that Jesus's brothers didn't believe in him and the people accuse Jesus of having a devil. Jesus says that living waters will flow out of his followers bellies.
Chapter 8 has the best story in the gospel of John - the woman accused of adultery. Jesus says that whoever is without sin should throw the first stone.
Now that's a nice story! But it wasn't in the gospel of John. It was a later addition.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/264.html.
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If you've heard only one verse in the Bible, it's likely this one: "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16
And it sounds kind of nice, until you read John 3:18, which clarifies its meaning: "He that believeth on him [Jesus] is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already."
Then a bit later in the same chapter, John the Baptist explains it all for us, by saying, "he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him." John 3:36
This is the message of the gospel of John - Believe or be damned.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/263.html
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The gospel of John begins where Genesis began - in the beginning. God, it turns out, wasn't alone when he created things. He had the word with him. Or the word was him. Or something like that.
We are, of course, supposed to know what John is saying here, without him actually saying it. Jesus is God. Or the son of God. Or something like that.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/262.html
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Chapters 19-23 repeat many of the stories that were covered in previous episodes: the last supper, Jesus's arrest, trial, and crucifixion. But the last chapter, chapter 24, has some fun stories that are told nowhere else: Jesus's mysterious appearance on the road to Emmaus, his ghost-like appearance to his apostles, and his final meal (boiled fish and honeycomb) before going to heaven.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/261.html
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Jesus says some strange things in this episode. In the parable of the wise, dishonest steward, he says we should make friends with unrighteous wealthy people so that they will provide us with an eternal home. He says that whatever people value most is an abomination to God. He says we are God's worthless slaves and that God will treat us as badly as we treat our own slaves. He says that God will grant our prayers, no matter how cruel or unkind they may be, if we just keep pestering him with them.
And then there is the parable of the rich man and Lazarus, which explains who is going to heaven and who is going to hell.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/260.html
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There is a verse in the gospel of Luke that is clearly states Jesus's views about the family. It's not one that you are likely to hear in church, and few Christians know of its existence.
"If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26
But it is right there in the middle of the gospel of Luke.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/259.html
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This episode begins with the disciples asking Jesus if they could burn to death the Samaritans that didn't welcome them - like Elijah did in 2 Kings 1. Jesus saic, "No" - but then in the next chapter he says it'll be worse for any city that doesn't welcome them than it was for the city of Sodom.
The same chapter has has my vote for the best story in the Bible: the parable of the Good Samaritan. We should all go and do likewise.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/258.html
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In this episode, the people of Nazareth, Jesus's hometown, try to push Jesus off a cliff. But somehow he manages to escape.
Then he miraculously catches so many fish that it almost sinks two boats.
Jesus preaches a sermon on a plain that is a reduced version of the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5-7.
And we learn about Mary Magdalene, her seven devils, and the many women who followed Jesus while serving him and his disciples.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/257.html
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The only information in the New Testament about the birth of Jesus is found in the gospels of Mathew and Luke. These stories disagree about just about everything - except for the name of his parents (Mary and Joseph), where he was born (Bethlehem) and who he was descended from (David). But since Linus used Luke's story in Charlie Brown Christmas, that is the story we all know best.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/256.html
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This chapter is a favorite of Catholics. It includes three of their most popular prayers: the Hail Mary, Magnificat, and the Benedictus. Each of these prayers are said and sung millions of times every day. The Liturgy would be impoverished without them.
But there is also a story that is told in this chapter. The angel Gabriel arrives in Jerusalem and helps Zechariah and Elisabeth have a baby boy - John the Baptist.
Then, six months later, Gabriel flies 95 miles north to Nazareth to help the Holy Ghost impregnate Mary.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/255.html And, as always, Martin Watkinson did the cello music that we use at the beginning and end of each episode.If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at https://patreon.com/BFW
The gospel of Mark ends with three women being told by a young man that Jesus had risen from the dead. The young man told them to run tell his disciples that Jesus would meet them in Galilee, but they ran away and told no one because they were afraid.
Or that's how it ended in the original. But a hundred or so years later twelve verses were added - and what a strange twelve verses they are!
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/254.html
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The gospels don't always agree on the teachings of Jesus. For example, in Mark's gospel, Jesus condemns divorce for any reason, whereas in Matthew, Jesus allows it when the wife is guilty of fornication.
Some of the events are different as well. In Mark, the Zebedee brothers ask Jesus for the best seats in heaven; in Matthew, their mom asks Jesus for them.
And Jesus rides into Jerusalem on just a single animal in Mark, rather than on two, as in Matthew.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/253.html
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The episode begins with the Pharisees criticizing Jesus for not washing his hands before eating. Jesus responds by accusing them on not killing their disobedient children, as God commanded.
There are two miracles in Mark's gospels that the other synoptic gospels left out. Both involve Jesus's spit.
Jesus cures a man with a speech impediment by rubbing some of his spit on the man's tongue. Then he (slowly) restores a blind man's sight by spitting on his eyes.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/252.html
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In this episode, Jesus sends the unclean spirits from a possessed man into a herd of 2000 pigs, who run down a cliff and drown in the sea.
Jesus returns to Nazareth, where he is rejected by those who knew him best - his family and hometown neighbors.
Herod Antipas thinks Jesus is the risen John the Baptist - while John the Baptist is still alive. Then Herod cuts off John the Baptist's head and Jesus walks on water.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/251.html
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Jesus continues to cast out devils, and is accused of doing so through the power of the devil. He responds by saying that whoever blasphemes against the holy spirit will never be forgiven.
His family is concerned about him, saying that he is beside himself. When Jesus is told that his mother and brothers would like to speak to him, he says, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?"
When his disciples ask him to explain one of his parables, Jesus explains why he speaks in parables - so that the people won't understand and be converted, so he won't have to heal them.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/250.html
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The gospel of Mark was the first gospel to written. It was used by the authors of the other two synoptic gospels (Matthew and Luke) as a source.
Unlike these two later gospels, the first gospel doesn't begin at the beginning. It says nothing about Jesus's birth - who his parents were, or where he was born. Jesus just shows up, like everyone else in Judea, to get baptized by John the Baptist in the Jordan River.
Then he is tempted by Satan for 40 days and returns to Galilee. There he calls his first disciples, heals the sick and casts out devils. Only he, God, and the devils seem to know who he really is.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/249.html
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In this episode, Judas hangs himself, Jesus is crucified, dead people walk around, and Jesus is resurrected - but some of his disciples doubted.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/248.html
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In this episode, Jesus gets his head anointed with expensive oil by an unnamed woman. His disciples complain about it, saying the money could have been spent on the poor. But Jesus said they'd always have poor people, but wouldn't always have him.
Jesus has a last supper with his disciples, where he told them to eat his body and drink his blood, and said that one of them would betray him, whom he identified as Judas.
Judas betrays Jesus with a kiss, a crowd arrests him and takes him to Caiaphas, who accuses him of blasphemy.
And the chapter ends with Peter denying that he knew Jesus three times before the cock crowed - just as Jesus had predicted.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/247.html
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In Chapter 24, Jesus tells us how the world will end. Badly, I'm afraid. And within the lifetime of his listeners.
Chapter 25 includes three parables. In the first one, ten virgins get ready for one bridegroom - some had oil and some didn't. The moral of the story is this: make sure you have your oil ready, because you never know when Jesus will come. And Jesus won't know you unless you have your oil ready.
The second is about a cruel master who expects his servants to make money for him. If you don't give him more than he gave you, he'll cast you into the outer darkness where you'll weep and gnash your teeth.
And the third is about sheep and goats. Everyone is one or the other to God. If you're a sheep you'll go to heaven; if you're a goat you'll go to hell. It's all about how you treat Jesus, who disguises himself as your fellow humans.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/246.html
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Jesus has some strange parables, but one of the strangest is the one about a wedding garment. It involves a psycho king who sends a guest into the outer darkness to weep and gnash his teeth - because he lacks a wedding garment.
Jesus clarifies a few other things in this episode: We should pay our taxes, there is no marriage in heaven, the messiah isn't the son of David, and the Jewish leaders were blind, murderous fools who will go to hell.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/245.html
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In this episode, the mother of two of Jesus's disciples, James and John, asks Jesus to give her sons the best seats in heaven. Jesus responds by saying the seating arrangements in heaven are beyond his control. His father will decide who sits where.
Then Jesus rides into Jerusalem on a donkey and a colt, which must have taken a bit of practice.
And the next morning, Jesus killed a fig tree for not having figs when he was hungry.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/243.html
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Jesus tells us to cut off our hands and pluck out our eyes, if they cause us to sin, saying it'd be better to go to heaven without them than to go to hell with them.
Then he tells us about eunuchs. Some are born eunuchs, some are made eunuchs by others, and some make themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
And finally, Jesus encourages us to abandon our families for his name's sake. Whoever does so will receive eternal life and 100 times as much stuff.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/243.html
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In this episode, Peter becomes the first pope by saying Jesus is the Son of God. But then, Jesus calls him Satan for saying Jesus wouldn't be killed in Jerusalem. And Jesus assures his listeners that some of them would still be alive when he comes back after he dies.
Jesus calls everyone in his generation faithless and perverse - because his disciples couldn't remove the devil from a lunatic.
And the episode ends with Jesus paying his taxes from a coin that was found in a fish's mouth.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/242.html
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This episode has some familiar Bible stories. John the Baptist is beheaded, Jesus feeds thousands of people (twice) with a few loaves and fishes, Jesus walks on water, and Peter tries to.
It also has a couple stories that are less well known. Herod Antipas says that Jesus is the risen John the Baptist - while the Baptist is still alive! And Jesus calls a Canaanite woman a dog, refusing (at first) to heal her devil-possessed son.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/241.html
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Jesus tells several parables in this episode, but his disciples don't understand them very well. So they ask him why he speaks in parables. He explains that he uses parables so that the people won't understand. That way they won't be converted and he won't heal them.
We also learn that his family (which includes four brothers and at least two sisters) are offended by him and don't accept his teachings.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/240.html
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In this episode, Jesus tells us about the unforgivable sin. Blasphemy against the Holy Ghost. Whoever says anything bad about the Holy Ghost will never be forgiven - in this life or in the next.
Jesus also tells us about unclean spirits, and how they inhabit, leave, and return to bodies, after they are cleaned up, with seven more spirits even more wicked than themselves.
And we learn about Jesus's family values. He denies his mother and brothers, saying that his real family are those who do what his father tells them to do.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/239.html
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In this episode, Jesus selects the rest of his apostles and gave them power over unclean spirits. He tells them that everyone will hate them, but that any city that refuses to listen to them will be destroyed like Sodom and Gomorrah. He says that the Son of Man will come before they finish preaching to the cities in Israel.
Jesus said he didn't come to bring peace, but the sword. He came to divide families and make enemies within them. He said that no one can be his disciple unless they love him more than their families.
Although John the Baptist still didn't know what to make of Jesus, Jesus knew what to make of John the Baptist. He was, Jesus said, the greatest person to ever exist. And he was also Elijah - although John explicitly denied this in the gospel of John.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/238.html
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After Jesus finished the sermon on the mount, he continued his ministry in Galilee. He cleaned a leper, healed a centurion's slave and Peter's mother-in-law, and cast out devils.
When one of his disciples asked to bury his dead father, Jesus said, "Follow me, and let the dead bury the dead."
Then Jesus calmed a storm, cast out some more devils by drowning a herd of pigs. He cured a paralyzed man by forgiving his sins. And he told a tax collector named Matthew to follow him.
A woman with a 12-year issue of blood was healed by touching Jesus's robe.
The episode ends with Jesus healing a ruler's daughter, restoring the sight of two blind men, and casting out the devils that inhabited the body of a man who couldn't speak.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/237.html
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This is the second half of the Sermon on the Mount.
Jesus tells his followers to avoid repetitious prayer, and then teaches them the Lord's Prayer (or the Our Father) and tells them to pray with it.
He introduces the "golden rule" and says that it includes everything in the law and the prophets. And yet the Law of Moses commands us to stone to death our entire family if they suggest we worship another god (Dt 13:6-10) and a thousand other cruelties which break the golden rule.
It also contains some cool phrases like don't cast your pearls before swine or let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/236.html
This episode is also available on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@bifw
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The Sermon on the Mount is the most famous sermon of all time. I'm sure much of it will be familiar to you.
But some of it might not be. Jesus says some pretty radical things there. Including:
All of the law of Moses must be obeyed - every jot and tittle.
If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. (It's better to go to heaven with an eye missing, than to go to hell with both eyes.)
Divorce is not permitted. A husband who divorces his wife causes her to commit adultery, and a man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
If someone hits you on one cheek, let him hit you on the other. And if anyone asks you for anything, give it to them.
And, of course, love your enemies.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/235.html
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In this episode, Jesus gets baptized by John the Baptist, is tempted by the devil, calls his first four disciples, and heals some devil-possessed lunatics.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/234.html
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The New Testament begins in the most boring way possible - with a genealogy. But at least it's only 17 verses, rather than nine chapters, like in the beginning of 1 Chronicles.
The point of the genealogy is to show that Jesus was a descendant of David, as was expected of the Jewish Messiah. But it doesn't show that because is it Joseph's genealogy, and Joseph, according to Matthew, was not the father of Jesus.
The birth and infancy narrative in Matthew is dominated by five dreams. It also contradicts, in nearly every detail, with the one given in the gospel of Luke.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/223.html
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This is last of the minor prophets and the last book of the Old Testament. It ends, appropriately enough, with a curse.
In Malachi, we learn that God hated Esau (and still does) for no apparent reason; that God still wants animals sacrifices (but only non-handicapped ones); and that if you refuse to give him sacrifices and tithes, he will corrupt your children and spread dung upon your face.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/232.html
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In this episode, God names a couple of sticks "Beauty" and "Bands".
He stands on the Mount of Olives while splitting it in two.
He feeds the flock of slaughter, while smiting every horse with blindness and every rider with madness.
He says he'll kill 2/3 of of the people and burn the survivors.
And he'll cause people's flesh to rot away while they are standing, their eyes to rot in their sockets, and their tongues to rot in their mouths.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/231.html
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The book of Zechariah gets off to a bad start with eight bizarre and uninterpretable visions. No one knows what any of them are supposed to mean. So don't expect them to make any sense.
There is some good advice in chapters 7 and 8, though.
Don't oppress widows, orphans, strangers, or the poor.
And don't wish evil on other people.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/178.html (change for episode)
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Haggai is the tenth of the twelve minor prophets. So we only have two more to go before the end of the Hebrew Scriptures.
In Haggai, God complains about the house that the people built for him after returning to Jerusalem after the Babylonian Exile. He wants a big house - like the one Solomon built for him.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/229.html
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This is another little book of doom and gloom. It is perhaps most famous for inspiring the Dies Irae - a Latin sequence that was used in the Roman Catholic liturgy in the Requiem Mass. (It was removed in the reforms of the Second Vatican Council.)
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/228.html
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Habakkuk is another strange little book that is seldom read or quoted.
No one knows why it is in the Bible. It isn't referred to anywhere else, except for in the apocrypha.
In the Additions to Daniel, an angel grabs Habakkuk by the hair and carries him from Judah to Babylon, where he feeds Daniel in the lions' den some of his homemade stew and bread.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/227.html
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This is another strange little book that is mostly ignored by Bible believers.
And for good reason. It has nothing to say to anyone, unless you happen to be living in Nineveh during the seventh century BCE.
If so, then watch out. God is going to get you.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/226.html
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Like Isaiah before him, God told Micah to prophesy while naked and barefoot.
And the prophecy was pretty much the same, including this verse, which is the same in both books: "They shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up a sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more." (Micah 4:3, Isaiah 2:4)
But then Joel ruins everything by saying just the opposite (Joel 3:10).
There are a couple of other nice things in Micah, saying that everyone is free to worship whatever God they please (4:5), and all that God requires is for us to be good, just, merciful, and humble (6:8).
Another verse that is often quoted is Micah 5:2, which says that a king will be born in Bethlehem. Christians believe this verse refers to Jesus.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/225.html
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The story of Jonah is familiar to most of us. But the most interesting parts were left out of the children's Bible stories that were read to us when we were young.
So join Carole and I as we tell the story once again. We promise not to leave out any of the interesting parts.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/224.html
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Obadiah is the Bible's least-read book.
And there's a good reason for that -- it has nothing to say that would be of interest to anyone. Unless you're from Edom, that is. Then you'd learn that God hates you and plans to kill you (for something he claims your ancestors did). Oh, and if your a heathen, the day of the Lord is near. That's when he'll kill you too.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/223.html
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Amos continues to describe God's plans to destroy Israel.
The highlight of the episode, though, is when Amos sees God standing on a wall with a plumbline in his hand.
Later Amos sees God standing on the altar. God says he will kill everyone in Israel, except for a few lucky survivors, who will drink wine and live happily ever after.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/222.html
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There only verse in the book of Amos that often quoted is Amos 5:24, a verse made famous by Martin Luther King, Jr. in his "I have a dream" speech, in which he said:
"[We] will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."
And it does seem like a nice verse - and, therefore, completely out of place in the book of Amos.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/221.html
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Joel tells the drunkards to wake up. The locusts are eating everything and the Lord's day is at hand. The beasts are groaning, the cows are perplexed, and a fire is burning everything.
But don't worry, maybe God will repent and pour out his spirit on everyone. Young people will prophesy, old men will dream, and young men will have visions. And there'll be blood, fire, and pillars of smoke. The sun will be darkened and the moon will turn to blood.
So beat your plowshares into swords. It's time for war!
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/220.html
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God is angry with Israel for various things: committing adultery and lewdness, mixing with strangers, and going whoring after other gods. So he decides to punish them by smashing babies and ripping apart pregnant women.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/219.html
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The book begins with God telling Hosea to marry a whore. So Hosea marries a harlot named Gomer. The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/218.html If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at https://patreon.com/BFWCHAPTERS0:00 Intro1:30 Chapter 1: Go marry a whore5:55 Chapter 2: Tell your mother that she's a whore7:00 But I'll make her love me again9:07 Chapter 3: Go have sex with an adulteress10:32 Chapter 4: I'll destroy your mother11:43 Chapter 5: They have strange children
In this episode, Daniel presents the numbers that have been (and still are) used to predict the end of the world.
Seventy years or seventy weeks; a time, times, and a half; three and a half years, 42 months, 1260 days; 1290 and 1335 days.
Daniel, with the help of Gabriel and Michael (and maybe Jesus), explains it all for you.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/217.html
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Daniel's second vision is a lot like his first. So I won't repeat it here. But we do get to meet Gabriel, who shows up to interpret the dream. (We don't really need the his interpretation, though, since this is the third time that the same story is told.)
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/216.html
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Daniel had a dream about four beasts. It troubled him, so he asked a bystander about it, who explained it all to him.
To find out what the bystander said, you'll have to listen to the episode - or read Daniel 7 for yourself.
In either case, you'll probably have the same that problem Daniel had after his dream - your head will trouble you.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/215.html
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This is the most famous story in the book of Daniel.
An angel saves Daniel from the lions.
Then those who accused him are cast into the lions' den, along with their wives and children. And lions tear them all to pieces. (This part is usually left out of the children's Bible story.)
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/214.html
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This is one of the most famous stories in the book of Daniel.
It is also where the phrase "the handwriting on the wall" comes from.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/213.html
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Nebuchadnezzar wrote a letter to everyone on earth to tell then about his dream. He asked his wise men to interpret it, but they couldn't. So he asked Daniel to do it.
Daniel explained it all to him, saying that his kingdom would be taken away from him and he'd eat grass like an ox for seven times (whatever that might mean). And that's exactly what happened!
After Neb returned from eating grass with the animals, he became a Jew again. (As he did after Daniel interpreted his first dream.)
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/212.html
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Nebuchadnezzar made a golden image that was 30 meters tall and 3 meters wide. Everyone was ordered to fall down and worship it. Whoever refused would be thrown into a fiery furnace.
Daniel's three companions refused so they were thrown into the furnace. The fire was so hot that it burned to death those who made it. But not Daniel's friends. Not a hair on their heads was singed and they didn't even smell smoky.
Nebuchadnezzar saw someone with Daniel's friends in the furnace who looked like the son of God. The whole thing impressed the king so much that he became a Jew again. (Like he did in the last chapter.)
Daniel is completely missing from this chapter. No one knows why. It's one of the great mysteries of the Bible.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/211.html
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King Nebuchadnezzar had a bad dream. He asked his wise men to guess his dream and interpret it for him. If they couldn't, he'd cut them in pieces.
But Daniel said he could do it - and he did.
To reward him, the king became a Jew and made Daniel the most powerful man in Babylonia.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/210.html
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Daniel and his friends are befriended by the master of the eunuchs in Nebuchadnezzar's court. But they refused to eat the meat and wine that the king provided.
Daniel proposed a test (the first and only experiment in the Bible) -- let them eat a non-alcoholic vegan diet for ten days and then compare them to the control group (who ate meat and wine) and then see who looks better.
So that's what they did, and the vegans looked better and were ten times smarter than all the king's magicians and astrologers.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/209.html
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This episode includes the famous prophecy about Gog and Magog. No one knows what it is about, but that hasn't stopped them from explaining it to us. About all that can be said for sure is that there will be a whole lot of shaking going on. God will cause every fish in the sea, every beast and creeping thing, and every human on earth to shake. And every wall and mountain will fall down. God will send his usual blood, pestilence, hail, fire and brimstone. The fowls and beasts will get drunk on human blood. And everyone will know that God is the Lord.
The last nine chapters are all about the brass man's measurements. Exciting stuff.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/208.html
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In this episode, God continues his message to people everywhere: He'll kill them all and then they'll know that he is the Lord.
But it ends with something completely different. Ezekiel prophesies to a valley of dry bones, and the bones come to life - giving us the song, "Dem Bones". Then he joins two sticks together, representing the tribes of Israel and Judah.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/207.html
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God describes making a scum-filled pot of stew to represent filthiness and lewdness of Jerusalem, which God will destroy in his fury.
Then he kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her. He does this to show how God will soon kill the children of Israel with a sword and tells them not to mourn their deaths.
God goes on to describe (again) his plans for the various nations. He's going to kill them all in various ways, and then they will know that he is God.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/206.html
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God tells us a story in this episode about his two wives. They were both unfaithful to him so he had them gang raped, mutilated, and killed.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/205.html
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In this episode, God explains why he gave us laws that were not good. Like the one he gave in Exodus 22:29 that tells us to give our firstborn sons to him (as a burnt offering?). He did it so that we would know that he is God.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/204.html
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God begins this episode by saying that he sometimes deceives prophets. And when he does, he then kills the prophet and whoever believes him.
Next he says that when people sin, he will kill them all with beasts, swords, famine, and pestilence. He'd only save three people: Noah, Daniel, and Job.
Then God talks about his marriage to Jerusalem. He saved Jerusalem when she was an abandoned baby, raised her, gave her lots of nice things, and then married her. But Jerusalem had sex with everyone and everything she could find - especially with well-endowed Egyptians. So God had her lovers strip her naked, stone her to death, and then stab her body with swords.
The episode ends with God telling us about the sin of Sodom - and it wasn't homosexuality. It was pride, gluttony, idleness, and not helping the poor.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/203.html
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There's a lot of bizarre stuff in this episode.
God killed a prophet named Pelatiah for saying something that I don't think even God understood.
And God is against the pillows that the women prophets were making.
Strange stuff from one of the Bible's strangest books.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/202.html
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God continues to describe the evil things he plans to do to people - and when he does them, they will know that he is God. (This is the theme of the book of Ezekiel.)
A couple of things happen in this episode that we saw in the last one: Ezekiel sees God's loins again, and he also see's the creatures with four faces (cherub, man, lion, and eagle), along with the wheels that are covered with eyes.
But the highlight is the man in linen, whom God tells to kill everyone who doesn't have a mark on their forehead.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/201.html
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God tells Ezekiel to lie on his left side for 390 days, then on his right for another 40 days. God says he'll tie him with ropes so he cant move during this time.
Meanwhile, God tells him to bake bread using wheat, barley, beans, lentils, millet, and spelt - and human dung. When Ezekiel complains, God says he can use cow dung instead.
Next, God tells Ezekiel to cut off his hair and beard and divide it into thirds. One third is to be burned, another hit with a knife, and and the last scattered in the wind. God will chase after the last third with his sword.
This exercise with the hair is to show how God will kill one-third of the people with disease, another third with the sword, and another third will be scattered in the wind, while God chases them with a sword.
God says he will force fathers to eat their sons and sons to eat their fathers. That way everyone will know that he is the Lord.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/200.html
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The episode begins with Ezekiel's sighting of an unidentified flying object. God also makes an appearance, with Ezekiel getting a glimpse of his loins.
God introduced himself to Ezekiel and sent a hand holding a book down to him. God told him to eat the book, which he did and it tasted like honey.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/199.html
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The book of Lamentations explains why Jerusalem was invaded and destroyed by Nebuchadnezzar. She was like a menstruous woman who committed sexual sins with her many lovers. Her filthiness was in her skirts.
So God punished Jerusalem with the rod of his wrath, killing young and old without pity, and forcing mothers to eat their children.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/198.html
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Jeremiah continues his rant against the whole world. God is going to kill everyone Jews and Gentiles alike.
He'll kill the Jews that fled to Egypt with the usual things: the sword, famine, and pestilence.
He'll kill the Gentiles with his own sword that will be drunk with blood.
He'll force the Egyptians to kill each other.
He'll flood the Philistines and won't let fathers save their children.
He'll force Moab to get drunk and wallow in its own vomit.He'll burn the Ammonites women with fire.
He'll make the Edomites naked and kill them all like he did to Sodom and Gomorrah.
And he'll make the mighty men of Babylon become like women.
The book ends with Jeremiah's book being thrown into the Euphrates River - which seems like a good place for it to be.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/1978.html
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Jeremiah goes to prison again for telling the people not to defend themselves against Nebuchadnezzar. When he continues to repeat his doomsday prophecies, the king's officials throw him in a dry well. He would have died there if it weren't for an Ethiopian eunuch, who, with 30 others, lifted him out of the well.
Jeremiah and God tell the people not to go to Egypt to escape the Babylonian attack. But they go there anyway.
God tells Jeremiah to find some big rocks, carry them to Egypt, and bury them in front of the Pharaoh's house. So he does that.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/196.html
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In this episode, God praises the people for freeing their (Hebrew) slaves - and then threatens to kill them for taking them back.
God also rewards the Rechabites for not drinking alcohol, planting crops, or living in houses.
So is God against slavery, drinking alcohol, agriculture, and houses? I don't know, but he seems to be in these chapters.
Also in this episode, Jeremiah's book is read to the people three times. Then the king reads and then burns it. And Jeremiah has his scribe Baruch write down all the rods in the original book - along with even more, but similar words.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/195.html (change for episode)
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God told Jeremiah to put a yoke on his neck and go talk to the kings that were visiting king Zedekiah. He told them that God had given everything on earth to Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon, who would put a yoke on their necks and force them to serve him. God would slaughter any nation who refused.
But a prophet named Hananiah had a different prophecy. He said that God had broken Nebuchadnezzar's yoke and that the people would soon be free from him. To make his point, Hananiah broke Jeremiah's yoke.
Then God, who doesn't like good news prophets, killed Hananiah, along with two other prophets (Ahab and Zedekiah) who also tried to spread the good news.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/194.html
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In this episode, God gives Jeremiah a cup of wine and tells him visit each king on earth, forcing them to drink from it until they get drunk, vomit, and fall down. Then God will kill them all with a sword.
Dead bodies will cover the ground from one end of the earth to the other. No one will mourn or bury them. They'll be like dung on the ground.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/193.html
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Jeremiah 19:9 is one of the worst verses in the Bible. In it, God says that he will force parents to eat their children and friends to eat their friends. It's hard to imagine anything worse than that.
But there is also something nice that God says in this episode. He says we should defend the helpless and be kind to orphans and widows. (If we don't he'll kill us.)
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/192.html
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God makes his intentions clear in this episode. He's going to punish the people of Judah with unspeakable torments because of something their king (Manasseh) did a hundred years ago. And any prophet who says otherwise is a false prophet.
God tells Jeremiah not to get married because if he does, God will kill his family and feed them to the birds and beasts.
When the people reject his prophecies, Jeremiah tells God that he wishes he'd never been born and asks God to kill them all.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/191.html
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Did you hear about the time God told Jeremiah to go to the Euphrates River and put his underwear in a hole in a rock? Yeah, well that's in this episode.
God also tells Jeremiah that he's going to get everyone drunk and then smash them all together, children and parents, killing them all.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/190.html
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The episode begins with God telling Jeremiah that he won't kill everyone in Judah if Jeremiah can find one good person in Jerusalem. The Bible doesn't say whether Jeremiah or God looked for any.
Jeremiah and God continue to accuse the people of sexual immoralities, but no one will listen to them since they have uncircumcised ears.
God says he will pour out his fury on children, young men, husbands, wives, and old people. And he tells Jeremiah not to bother to pray for them. He's going to kill them anyway. He'll give their wives to other men and send serpents and cockatrices to bite them.
he text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/189.html
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God made Jeremiah a prophet while he was still in his mother's womb and put words in his mouth while he was just a boy. He told Jeremiah to tell Judah and Israel that they have been unfaithful to God (their husband), by having sex on every high hill and under every green tree. God says he'll kill them and their children unless they return to him and circumcise the foreskin of their heart.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/188.html
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The last eleven chapters of Isaiah are often called "Third Isaiah", and were probably written after the Jews returned from Babylon in 539 BCE. They include two passages that Jesus quoted in the gospels:
Chapter 61, which he read in a synagogue in his hometown of Nazareth - after which his hometown neighbors tried to throw him off a cliff. (Luke 4:14-30).
And the last verse of Isaiah, which refers to immortal worms (Mark 9:44-48).
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/187.html
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In this episode we learn about God's tattoo, which is a name engraved on the palms of his hands.
That God will force those who oppress Israel to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.
And that God divorced Israel's mother, not for her sins but for Israel's. Or something like that.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/186.html
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In this episode we learn that King Cyrus is the messiah and that God creates evil.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/I-create-evil
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This is the end of "First Isaiah" or "Deutero-Isaiah". It is, as the thumbnail indicates, filled with blood.
It also contains one of Joseph Smith's favorite verses from his favorite book (Isaiah), which he claimed prophesied the Book of Mormon as "a marvelous work and a wonder". (29:11-14)
There are also some interesting verses about liberals, who, Isaiah says, devise liberal things and by liberal things they will stand. (32:8)
Chapter 34 tells us that "the sword of the Lord is filled with blood," that mountains will melt with blood, stars will fall from the sky, and the ground will stink with dead bodies. Unicorns, dragon, and satyrs will roam through the blood-soaked land.
And in Chapter 35 we are told of a highway that will pass through a land of dragons. Some Christians believe this is I 35, which extends from Laredo, Texas to Duluth, Minnesota.
Fun stuff.
There are many apocalypses, the most famous, of course, is the Apocalypse of John - or the Book of Revelation. But these four chapters (24-27) are often called "The Apocalypse of Isaiah."
In it we are told that God will completely destroy the earth, burning everyone to death except for a few men. And he'll kill the leviathan and the sea dragon, which is good to know.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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This episode has it all: lions, cockatrices, satyrs, and fiery flying serpents - and a prophet who walks around naked for three years (as a sign and a wonder).
The text for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/Isaiah-walks-naked
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There are a lot of feet in this episode.
It begins with Isaiah seeing God, who is surrounded by seraphim with six wings -- two to cover their faces, two to fly with, and two to cover their feet.
A bit later, God says he plans to shave the feet of the Assyrians and Egyptians. Now that's something I'd like to see!
And, of course, the word "feet" here probably doesn't really refer to feet.
The text of this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/God-will-shave
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The book of Isaiah begins with a series of threats and rewards. Threats for not obeying God, and rewards for obeying him. The threats include:
- destroying the people like he did at Sodom and Gomorrah
- causing them to be ruled by children and women
- and discovering the women's secret parts
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/180.html
And at YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS_Butg1zwRmjXWgWhy8uYw
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What's an erotic poem doing in the Bible? That's what everyone who reads the Song of Solomon must wonder.
But believers have an answer for that. The Christian's say that it expresses Jesus's love for the church, while the Jews say it's God's love for Israel. Try not to think about that too much.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/179.html
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This is the second half of Ecclesiastes - the best book in the Bible. In it we learn the truth about life and death. This life is all we will ever know, for the dead know nothing.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/178.html
This episode is also available on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PVau-Wh_q8
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In this episode we cover the first half of the book of Ecclesiastes - which is the best book in the Bible by far. It also includes the lyrics of a famous song by Pete Seeger - Turn! Turn! Turn!
The text for this podcast with links to the verses in the Bible can be found here.
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The title for this episode is taken from Proverbs 30:17, which says, "The eye that mocketh at his father, and despiseth to obey his mother, the ravens of the valley shall pick it out, and the young eagles shall eat it."
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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The title for this episode comes from Proverbs 13:24 - "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." It is similar to the more familiar "proverb" (Spare the rod, spoil the child), which isn't actually in the Bible.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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The title for this episode comes from Proverbs 11:29 - "He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind." It was also the title of a great movie about the 1925 Scopes trial.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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This is the fifth (and last) book of Psalms. The title comes from Psalm 137: "Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones."
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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This is the fourth book of Psalms. The title comes from Psalm 92:10: "my horn shalt thou exalt like the horn of an unicorn."
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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This is the third book of Psalms. The title is taken from Psalm 78:49 - "He cast upon them the fierceness of his anger, wrath, and indignation, and trouble, by sending evil angels among them."
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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This is the second book of Psalms. The title is taken from Psalm 64.
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The Book of Psalms is traditionally divided into five "books". This is my attempt to summarize the first book. The title is taken from Psalm 2:12.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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After Job concedes to God, God rewards him by giving him twice as much stuff as he had before. He even replaced the seven sons and three daughters that he and Satan killed in the bet.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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In this episode, God shows up to tell Job what's what. He taunts him about what he knows but Job doesn't, and tells him about his favorite creatures: the behemoth and leviathan.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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Job speaks to his friends in what the Bible calls a parable.
Then another friend shows up (Elihu), who blames Job for what God did to him.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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After Job's children are killed in God and Satan's bet, and everything he owns has been destroyed, while he is covered in boils, his friends come to visit. They make long speeches telling Job that he is getting what he deserves.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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The book of Job begins with a bet between God and Satan, who seem to be best buddies just hanging out together with the other sons of God.
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Haman and his ten sons are hanged on the gallows that Haman made to hang Mordecai. And more than 75,000 people who wanted to kill Jews are killed on the same day that they had planned to kill Jews. This is the basis of the Jewish feast of Purim.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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In this episode, a kingdom-wide kill-the-Jews day is scheduled and a 50-cubit high gallows is built to hang Mordecai on. But Esther and the book of Chronicles cause the king to completely reverse the plan.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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The book of Esther is one of the two books in the Bible in which God is not even mentioned (the other is the Song of Solomon). It has an important message for women: your job in life is to look pretty and to please, honor, and obey men. If that means dancing naked in front of your husband's drunken guests, dance naked. Be an Esther, not a Vashti. (Which is, of course, bad advice. Vashti is the hero of the Book of Esther and she gets my vote for the best person in the Bible.)
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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Nehemiah is similar to Ezra, repeating the same list of the people returning to Judah from Babylon - disagreeing only with Ezra only on the numbers.
Nehemiah reacted similarly to Ezra when the people intermarried and lived peacefully with their non-Israelite neighbors - he cursed them and beat them and pulled out their hair (whereas Ezra pulled out his own hair).
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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When the Jews return to Jerusalem after the Babylonian captivity and begin to rebuild the temple, some of the men married "strange" women, which offended God and upset Ezra so much that he pulled out the hairs on his head and beard.
But after Ezra told them how much their families upset God, the men abandoned their wives and children. And everyone lived happily ever after.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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Second Chronicles continues by repeating the stories already told in First and Second Kings. A few stories are new or a bit different that the original ones in Kings. But, as with the first episode on Second Chronicles, what is most interesting is not the stories that are included - it's the stories that are left out. I have listed 41 of these stories in the notes for this episode at this episode's page at the SAB website.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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Although 2 Chronicles isn't quite as boring as 1 Chronicles, it is a close second. It repeats the stories that were told in 1 Kings, leaving out the more interesting ones. But at least it doesn't begin with nine chapters of genealogies!
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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First Chronicles is, by far, the most boring book in the Bible. It may, in fact, be the most boring book in all literature. The first nine chapters is a non-stop genealogy from Adam to David. And the remaining chapters are heavily redacted stories that were already told in the books of Samuel.
The most interesting thing about First Chronicles is not what is in it, but what is left out. At the SAB's page for this episode, I have listed 154 stories from 1 and 2 Samuel that were not mentioned in 1 Chronicles.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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In this episode, God plans to bring so much evil on Jerusalem and Judah that it will make people's ears tingle. He says that he'll wipe Jerusalem as a man wipes a dish, wiping it and turning it upside down. This was all because King Manasseh was so darned wicked.
But when Josiah became king of Judah, God went easy on him since he tore his clothes and his heart was tender. He also pleased God by killing the priests and destroying the houses of the sodomites.
And yet, God still sent Nebuchadnezzar to destroy Judah for the sins of Manasseh.
So during Zedekiah's reign, the Babylonians invaded and killed Zedekiah's sons in front of him, poked out his eyes, and carried him to Babylon.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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This episode introduces the prophet Isaiah. He and God cure Hezekiah's boil with a lump of figs and make the sun go back ten degrees. And an angel of God kills 185,000 sleeping soldiers.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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In this episode, God gives leprosy to a king who didn't remove the high places, and he sent lions to kill people for not knowing or fearing him enough.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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Just before Elisha dies, he tells King Joash to shoot an arrow out the window and smite the ground with this arrows. Joash does as he's told and then Elisha dies. Why would Elisha ask him to do this? To find out, you'll need to listen to the episode or read the 13th chapter of Second Kings.
Sometime after Elisha's death, a dead body touches Elisha's bones and comes to life. Not even Jesus could do this trick!
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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Jehu continues his killings for God. He tells the Samarians to kill 70 of Ahab's sons and bring them to him their heads in two baskets. Then he kills all of Ahab's remaining family and friends. Next he kills 42 of Ahaziah's family. And finally he invites Baal's followers to worship Baal and then kills all of them.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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In this episode, Jehu is made king and God tells him to kill everyone in Ahab's family that pisses against a wall. So he starts on that mission by killing Ahab's son, Jehoram, and Ahab's wife, Jezebel.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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In this episode, a skeptic is trampled, God sends a seven year famine, Elisha lies, and a king is smothered with a wet cloth.
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Elisha cures a Syrian captain's leprosy, then gives leprosy to his servant Gehazi and all of Gehazi's descendants. He also makes an axe head swim, blinds a Syrian army, shows that he has ESP, and sends a famine on Samaria. All in one episode that ends with these words: Behold, this evil is of the LORD
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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In this episode, Elisha makes a woman pregnant. Then when her son dies, he brings him back to life by laying on top of the dead boy's body, putting his mouth on his mouth, his eyes on his eyes, and his hands on his hands. And the boy's body waxed warm and sneezed seven times.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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In this episode, Elijah goes to heaven in a chariot of fire, and 42 children are ripped apart for making fun of Elisha's bald head.
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This is our shortest episode so far. Only a little over 6 minutes! But it's a fun story and a good start to the book of Second Kings.
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In this episode, Jezebel and Ahab falsely accuse a man of blasphemy so they can get his land after he is stoned to death. Then God sends Elijah to tell Ahab that God will punish him for it by killing all of his family who piss against the wall - feeding their dead bodies to birds and beasts.
Meanwhile, God puts a lying spirit in prophets to convince Ahab to go to war so that he can be killed in battle. And the dogs licked Ahab's blood according to the word of the Lord.
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In episode 137 (1 Kings 13), a lion kills a prophet for believing another prophet. In this episode, a lion kills a man for refusing to smite a prophet. So moral of the story it this: Don't believe a prophet if he tells you something, or smite him if he asks you to smite him, or God will send a lion to kill you (or something like that).
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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In this episode, Elijah is touched by an angel and eats some angel food cake, while God promises to kill everyone in Israel except for 7000.
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In this episode, Elijah invites 450 prophets of Baal to a prayer contest. Elijah wins and then kills the losers.
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In this episode Elijah brings a dead boy back to life by laying on top of the boy's body three times.
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Asa was one of the few kings that God approved of. In fact, the Bible says his "heart was perfect with the LORD all his days." What did he do that was so perfect? He expelled sodomites (homosexuals?) and destroyed idols.
Baasha killed Jeroboam's and his family, leaving none that breaths, "according to the saying of the Lord." Then God killed Baasha and his family (leaving none to piss against a wall) because he killed Jeroboam and his family.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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In this episode, God tells a mother that he is going to kill her son for something his father (Jeroboam) did. And he's not going to just kill her son, but everyone in Jeroboam's family that "pisses against a wall."
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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This is a story about God, two prophets, a donkey, and a lion. It's quite a story, but it's hard to summarize. So I recommend listening to the episode.
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The title includes a double double entendre. To find out what it means, you'll just have to listen to the episode.
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In this episode, we learn about Solomon's family. He had 700 wives and 300 concubines - but only three children: two daughters and one son.
The Bible doesn't say anything about his family life - except to say that his strange wives caused him (the wisest man who ever lived) to worship strange gods.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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The Bible spends five chapters telling us about two houses: Solomon's and God's. Solomon's house had more than four times the floor space as God's, and took nearly twice as long to build.
When the construction projects were completed, Solomon sacrificed 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep - on one very bloody day.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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This is the most famous story about Solomon. So you've probably heard it before. But did you know that Solomon was wiser than Heman?
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In this episode, David gives his last words to his son Solomon. It's a hit list. And Solomon does what he's told.
Meanwhile, Adonijah tries to marry Abishag (the beautiful virgin who tried to get David some heat in the last episode), and Solomon kills him for it.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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In this episode, a young virgin named Abishag is found to get David some heat, while David's son, Adonijah, tries to steal the kingdom from him. Bathsheba intervenes by convincing David to make her son Solomon king.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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In this episode, God tells David to have a census. Then he gets angry at David for having the census and sends a disease that kills 70,000 men (and God knows how many women and children).
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In this episode, God sends a famine to punish Israel and then stops the famine after seven of Saul's sons and grandsons are hung up before him.
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In this episode, Amasa is killed by being stabbed under the fifth rib, which is the preferred way of killing someone in 2 Samuel. And Sheba's head is cut off and a wise woman throws it over a wall.
David punishes his concubines for being raped by his son Solomon by refusing to have sex with them and forcing them to keep house for him for the rest of their lives.
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In this episode, David and Solomon have it out. 20,000 are killed (most of them were killed by a spooky forest.)
Absalom get his head caught in an oak tree while riding on a donkey, and Joab killed him by putting three darts through his heart.
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In episode 123, the prophet Nathan told David that God would punish him for the Bathsheba/Uriah affair by forcing his "neighbor" to have sex with his wives in front of everyone.
Now, in this episode, God's prophecy is fulfilled, with David's son, Absalom, being the "neighbor."
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David runs away from his son Absalom, leaving his ten concubines to keep house.
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This episode is all about David's family values. Incest, rape, and murder - it's all here in a single chapter.
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In the last episode, David impregnated Bathsheba and then had her husband, Uriah, killed. To punish him for this, God killed the resulting baby.
After the baby died, David impregnated Bathsheba again, and Solomon (whom God named Jedediah) was born.
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This is probably the second most famous story about David. (The first being the story about David and Goliath.) I won't spoil it here, except to say that it is, according to the Bible, the only thing that David ever did that was wrong.
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The episode begins with David setting an example for the treatment of prisoners of war. (He kills two-thirds and enslaves the rest.)
But when he sent ambassadors to Hanun, the king of Ammon, the king "shaved off the one half of their beards, and cut off their garments in the middle, even to their buttocks, and sent them away."
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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The ark of the covenant has caused lots of trouble. After stealing the ark, God plagued the Philistines with hemorrhoids in their secret parts, then he killed 50,070 people because someone looked into the ark. Years later, David decided to go get the ark and bring it to Jerusalem. Along the way, the oxen stumbled and the ark began to fall, and a man named Uzzah tried to prevent it from falling. And God kills him for it.
While bringing the ark to Jerusalem, David danced nearly naked in front of God and everyone. When his wife, Michal, complained about it, God punished her by preventing her from having children.
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Don't let the title fool you. There's a lot happening in this episode.
- A king's head is cut off and delivered to David.
- David's cuts off the feet and hands of the guys who cut of the king's head and hangs their bodies over a pool.
- David says that he hates lame and blind people.
- And God helps David smite the Philistines (twice).
All in a little over eight minutes!
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There's a lot happening in this episode, and I don't want to spoil it for you. Treason, murder, and cursing of descendants with penile discharges. But you'll have to listen to it to get all the gory details.
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In this episode, David becomes king of Judah after killing the Amalekite messenger who told him about Saul and his sons' deaths.
Then David sings a little song where he professes his love for Jonathan, saying: "I am sad for you, Jonathan. You were very pleasant to me. Your love for me was wonderful; it was better than the love of women."
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In this episode, David wants to fight with the Philistines against Israel, but the Philistines won't let him. Meanwhile the Amalekites destroy the city that the Philistines had given him and take the people captive - including David's two wives. The people are angry at David for letting this happen and want to stone him to death. But David and his men attack the Amalekites and retrieve the people who were taken by the Amalekites.
While fighting the Philistines, three of Saul's sons (including Jonathan) are killed and Saul commits suicide (to avoid being killed by an uncircumcised Philistine).
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David does it again: he sneaks into Saul's camp and does something amazing. This time he took Saul's spear and water jug while Saul was sleeping. (here.
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In this episode, God kills a man named Nabal and gives his wife to David.
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This episode contains one of the Bible's most amazing stories.
David sneaks in and cuts off a piece of Saul's skirt while Saul is going to the bathroom. And Saul didn't even notice.
After that, Saul knew that God was with David. How else could he do something like that?
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In this episode, David lies to a priest and acts like he's insane, as you'd expect a "man after God's own heart" to do.
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Saul tries to kill David, Michal (whom David bought for 200 Philistine foreskins) helps him escape, Saul prophesies naked all day and night, and David and Jonathan kiss one another until David exceeded.
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This episode begins with Jonathan falling in love (or friendship) with David. He was so taken by him that he took off his clothes and gave him his sword, bow, and girdle.
Then David buys his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins.
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This is one of the Bible's best-know and most-loved stories.
It's also a bit on the boring side. But don't blame us, we didn't write it.
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In the previous episode, God rejected Saul as king because he failed to commit complete genocide on the Amalekites. Now, God finds someone who would be more than willing to do something like that - David.
So God chose David, Samuel anointed him, and the spirit of God came upon David from that day forward.
Meanwhile, God's spirit departed from Saul and an evil spirit from God troubled him. And the only way Saul could get God's evil spirit off of him was to have David stand before him while playing the harp.
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This is an episode that everyone should know about. In it, God commands Saul to kill every man, woman, child, infant, baby, and animal among the Amalekites. And Saul sends an army of 210,000 to do that.
They kill everyone - except for the king (Agag) and a some of the animals to sacrifice to God. But God was angry at Saul for committing incomplete genocide on the Amalekites. And for that reason, God will take his kingdom from him and give it to someone who would be more than happy to do such a thing.
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In this episode, God helps Jonathan slaughter some uncircumcised Philistines, and Jonathan is nearly killed by his father for eating a little honey.
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The Spirit of God came upon Saul, and he took two oxen and hacked them to pieces, sending the pieces throughout Israel.
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The Israelites demand a king, so God and Samuel provide one: Saul, the best-looking guy in Israel and a foot taller than everyone else.
After God selected Saul, he was selected again, by lot this time - which is the Bible preferred way of choosing things.
But when Saul's lot came up, no one could find him, so God had to tell them where he was, saying: "He's hiding among the stuff."
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To punish the Philistines for stealing the ark of the covenant, God plagued them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts. Then, when the ark is returned to the Israelites, God kills 50,070 for looking in the ark.
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After the Israelites are defeated by the Philistines, they decide to get the ark of the covenant before trying to fight them again. But the ark didn't help, and another 30,000 of their soldiers were killed. During the battle, the Philistines stole the ark and killed Eli's sons, Hophni and Phinehas. Eli dies when he hears that the ark was stolen, and Phinehas's wife dies while delivering a baby boy that she named Ichabod.
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Samuel's father had two wives. His mother was barren until God opened her womb so she could have Samuel.
There was an old priest named Eli who had two sons who had sex with women at the door of the tabernacle. God visited the boy Samuel to tell him the awful things he planned to do to Eli and his sons.
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Most people when reading the book of Ruth must think something like this: "This is a nice story. What's it doing in the Bible?"
And it is a nice story. A young woman (Ruth) seduces an older, rich relative (Boaz) by sneaking into his bed while he slept. Her mother (Naomi) told her just how to do it, too. Wait until he is sufficiently drunk and then "uncover his feet." The scheme worked, Boaz married Ruth, and everyone lived happily ever after.
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In the previous episode, the tribe of Benjamin was slaughtered by the other tribes after receiving the concubine body part message. But 600 Benjaminite men survived. The other tribes swore they wouldn't let their daughters marry them, so they had to find them wives in some other way.
The book of Judges ends in this episode with the effort to find wives for the surviving Benjaminite men.
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This episode begins with everyone in Israel assembling before the Lord after receiving a rotting body-part message in the mail. They ask God (and the 450 year-old Phinehas) what to do and he tells them to fight against the tribe of Benjamín (where the incident about the Levite's concubine occurred). So they do that, and kill every Benjaminite man, woman, child, and baby - except for 600 men who somehow survived the genocide.
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This episode presents what may be the most disgusting story in all literature, the rape and mutilation of the Levite's concubine. It also one that is used against LGBTQ+ people.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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In this episode, the tribe of Dan is looking for a place to live. They discover a land where people are living peaceful, carefree, and contented lives. So they send 600 soldiers to kill all the people, burn the city, and take their land.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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This episode includes the famous story about Samson and Delilah.
It begins with Samson having sex with a harlot and ends with him killing 3000 people in a suicide terrorist attack.
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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This is an action-packed episode. Here are the highlights:
- It begins with Samson bringing a goat to pay for sex with his Philistine wife, only to be told by her father that he had given her to his best man because he thought Samson hated her. Then Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, lights them on fire, and lets them loose on the Philistines' crops.
- The Philistines respond by burning Samson's ex-wife and her father.
- Samson smites the Philistines hip and thigh with a great slaughter.
- 300 Philistines tie Samson up.
- The spirit of the Lord comes on Samson and he kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.
- After the killing, Samson was thirsty, so God made a hole in the ass's jawbone and filled it with water, so Samson could have a drink.
All this in a single chapter. (And people say the Bible is boring!)
This episode introduces us to Samson. He had a miraculous birth, was a Nazarite from the womb, married a Philistine woman, and killed things when the spirit of the Lord came upon him. (First a lion with his bare hands, and then thirty men for their clothes.)
Oh, and he made up a riddle that made no sense. (That's why he had to kill the thirty men for their clothes.)
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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A civil war breaks out in this episode because one tribe of Israelites (Ephraim) wasn't invited to participate in the slaughter of the Ammonites in the previous episode. In the end, 42,000 Ephraimites were killed for mispronouncing the word "Shibboleth".
The text and notes for this episode can be found here.
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In this episode, the spirit of the Lord comes upon Jephthah and he promises to sacrifice to God as a burnt offering whatever comes out to greet him when he returns from slaughtering the Ammonites. God delivered the Ammonites into his hand, and he smote twenty of their cities in a very great slaughter.
When he returned home after the slaughter, his daughter came out to greet him. And he did to her what he promised God he would do. (He sacrificed her as a burnt offering.)
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In this episode, Gideon's son, Abimelech, kills seventy of this brothers on a single stone. But his youngest brother, Jotham, got away and makes a speech about talking trees. Then Abimelech burns 1000 people to death (Because of God's evil spirit), and is killed by a woman who drops a millstone in his head.
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In this episode, Gideon tortures 77 men thorns and briars, destroys a tower, kills all the men in a city, orders his son to kill two kings, and then makes a 20 kg gold ephod (from the earrings of dead Midianites) that everyone in Israel went whoring after. Then he dies, leaving 70 sons to fight about who will replace him as judge of Israel. No wonder the Gideon's named their Bible after him.
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This episode tells the story that inspired the Gideon's to create their famous Bible.
It's my favorite Bible story - and I don't want to spoil it for you here. So you'll just have to listen to the podcast!
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This episode introduces Gideon, you know - the guy the Bible is named after.
It begins, as all stories do in the Book of Judges: The Israelites do evil in the sight of the Lord, the Lord sells them to their enemies, the Israelites cry out to God, and God sends a deliverer - in this case Gideon.
But Gideon wasn't sure he could trust God, so he had a few tests for him.
And God passed them all, no sweat.
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The main characters in this episode are both women.
Deborah is a prophetess, judge, and military leader - whose captain (Barak) refuses to go to war without her.
And Jael shelters the enemy's captain (Sisera) - and then drives a tent stake through his head.
For this act she is blessed among women.
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The episode features a left-handed judge named Ehud who delivers a message from God by embedding an 18-inch sword into a fat king's belly.
And another judge, Shamgar, who kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad.
Where else but the Bible will you find stories like that?
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Judges is a violent book even by biblical standards. It begins by cutting off the thumbs and big toes of a captured king - and just gets worse from there.
Here is the cycle that is repeated throughout the book:
- The people do evil in God's sight
- God sells them to their enemies
- The people cry out to God
- God sends them a deliverer (a judge)
- The deliverer slaughters those who bought the Israelites from God
- The people do evil in God's sight again, etc.
This episode tells the story of the first judge of Israel: Othniel.
This episode covers the last 14 chapters of the book of Joshua. Here a some of the highlights:
- 20 kingdoms are massacred,
- 33 kings are killed,
- Caleb gives his daughter to whoever captures a city (his nephew Othniel is the lucky winner),
- A war is nearly fought over an altar named "Ed",
- And Joshua dies at the age of 110
In this episode, God stops the sun from moving so that Joshua could get his killing done in the daylight. This is the passage that got Galileo in so much trouble with the Catholic Church. So it is of central importance in the history of science and religion.
Joshua does to the city of Ai as he did to the city of Jericho - he killed everyone in the city. Then he hung its king on a tree until evening.
Then he enslaved the Gibeonites.
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God told the Israelites not to touch the accursed thing during the Jericho massacre. But one man, Achan, couldn't resist. So when the Israelites tried to do to the town of Ai as they did to Jericho, they were not successful and 36 Israelites died. God commanded the Israelites to stone and burn to death Achan and his family. So that's what they did, and God wasn't angry anymore.
God tells Joshua to circumcise again the Israelite males at a place they called the hill of foreskins. After allowing a few days to recover from their circumcisions, Joshua and the Israelites slaughtered everyone in the city of Jericho (except Rahab): women, children, old people, and animals, with the edge of the sword.
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Joshua's spies visit the prostitute Rahab's house, she lies to protect them, and the Israelites cross the Jordan River without getting their feet wet.
As you may recall, God told Moses that he wouldn't make it to the promised land because he hit the rock (instead of talking to it) back in Episode 62. Well, Moses finally dies in chapter 34, the last chapter of Deuteronomy.
But before he dies, he writes down and reads the entire law (the Torah or Pentateuch) and reads it to all of the Israelites. Then he teaches them a song that God wrote, which features this catchy line: I will make my arrows drunk with blood and my sword shall devour flesh."
Then after Moses dies, he writes his own eulogy, saying, "There was never another prophet like Moses, whom God knew face to face. "
If you're trying to decide if you should follow all of God's commandments, this episode is for you.
God gives you a simple choice: Obey him and things will go well for you; disobey him and he'll force you to eat your children - among many other things.
If you decide to obey him, he'll circumcise your heart and the hearts of your children, and put all the curses that he threatened you with on your enemies instead. Good luck with your decision.
In this episode we learn that if a man re-marries a wife that he previously divorced, it is an abomination to God. And that a man must marry his dead brother's wife (or she will take off his shoe and spit in his face).
But the most important thing that we learn is this: We must cut off a woman's hand if she touches the genitals of a man who is fighting with her husband. And we must do it without showing her the slightest pity.
In this episode we are joined by Objectively Dan, a host of the Atheist Community of Austin and the creator and host of Truth Wanted and Talk Heathen.
Chapters 22 and 23 of Deuteronomy contain a strange mix of few good rules mixed with many horrendous ones. We are told to help our neighbors, while stoning to death women who are raped in the city or are found not to be virgins on their wedding night; and not to return runaway slaves, but label cross-dressers, whores and sodomites abominations.
Atheist Community of Austin
Truth Wanted (YouTube Channel)
Talk Heathen (Live Call-in Television Show)
In this episode God and Moses lay down the law about holy wars, dead bodies, women captured in war, hated wives, and disobedient sons. It's important information that you won't find anywhere else.
This episode contains the passage that I use whenever a Jehovah's Witness, Mormon missionary, or evangelical Christian tries to convert me - Dt 13:6-10.
It also has provides two tests for false prophets. Both tests ask whether what the prophet says comes true or not. If it comes true, then it's a false prophet who God sent to test your faith in him and you must kill him (13:1-5); if it doesn't come true, then it's a false prophet and you must kill him (18:20-22)
There are other passages that say that if there's a city in which some inhabitants believe in a god that is different than the one you believe in, then you must kill everyone in that city (along with their animals) an burn it to the ground (13:12-15); that witnesses to a stonable crime must throw the first stone (17:6-7), and anyone who believes differently than you must be stoned to death (17:2).
In this episode, God provides instructions for committing genocide. If you run into any problems, don't worry. God will send hornets to help you. And if there are any giants, God will destroy them too.
And although it may seem a bit contradictory to you, God commands you to love strangers, circumcise the foreskin of your heart, and don't do what you think is right.
Remember how in Numbers, God repeatedly told Moses that he wasn't going to make it to the promised land (because God was mad at him for hitting the rock instead of talking to it)?
Well, here's a spoiler for you: Moses finally dies in Deuteronomy - but not until he gives a long, boring speech, which is called the Book of Deuteronomy.
This episode covers the first part of his speech - Deuteronomy 1-5.
Well, we've finally made it to the end of Numbers.
In this episode two of the tribes of Israel decide not to go to the promised land, God tell the Israelites (again) to kill all the Canaanites, we learn some more about revengers of blood and cities of refuge, and the daughters of Zelophehad are forced to marry their cousins.
In this episode, we are joined by Seth Andrews, the host of The Thinking Atheist podcast and YouTube channel, to discuss one of the most appalling stories in the entire Bible. In it Moses commands his men to kill all the males and non-virgin females, but to keep the virgins alive for themselves.
In his autobiography, Deconverted, Seth said that Numbers 31 was one of the parts of the Bible that led him to reject the Bible and Christianity.
The Thinking Atheist YouTube Channel
Books by Seth Andrews at Amazon
Our son, Philip Wells, joins us in this episode. He has helped us produce the podcast, as well as the SAB website and books.
In the episode itself, there are several passages about women's rights - both good and bad.
So we welcome you to listen to the podcast and meet our son, Philip!
When the Israelites commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab -- Moses, God, and Phinehas respond by hanging up dead bodies, committing mass murder, impaling a couple while they were having sex, and sending a plague that killed 24,000 people. All in one chapter of the Good Book.
After Balaam, God, the angel, and the donkey finally got things worked out in the last episode, Balaam arrives in Moab to curse the Israelites for King Balak.
But things didn't go as planned.
This is a bizarre story - even by biblical standards.
God changes his mind three times in a single chapter, while making a donkey talk to a man about an angel that only the donkey can see.
It reminds me of the Mr. Ed show that I loved so much as a kid.
This is one of the Bible's most famous stories.
The people complain about the lack of food and water, and God sends fiery serpents to bite them.
Stories like this can only be found in the Bible.
In this episode, Aaron's rod blossoms and bears almonds.
And the red heifer is presented - which many Christians and Jews believe is required for the rebuilding of the temple and the coming of the Messiah.
In this episode we learn about Korah - the Bible's freethought martyr.
250 men are burned to death in an incense-burning contest.
God kills 14,700 in a plague.
And we are told to put blue fringes on our garments.
This episode is all about honesty.
Sometimes it's safer to tell Moses (and God) what they want to hear.
Miriam and Aaron criticize Moses for marrying an Ethiopian woman.
And God strikes Miriam (but not Aaron) with leprosy for complaining.
During the Exodus, the people complained - so God burned them to death.
They complained again - this time about the lack of food and water - and God sent them food not "for a day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days; but even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you." Fun stuff.
Then "while the flesh was still between their teeth" God "smote the people with a very great plague."
In this episode, God tells us what a husband should do if he suspects that his wife has been unfaithful.
A list of rewards is given for obeying all of God's commandments. And a much longer list or punishments is given for disobeying them.
(For example, God will force you eat your children if you disobey him.)
In this episode, you'll also learn the dollar value of human life - at least to God.
(It depends on you age and sex, but it works out to between the price of cup of coffee and an expensive beer for most people - unless you're less than a month old, in which case you're worth nothing at all.)
If you've followed along so far, you can probably guess what God's punishment for blasphemy might be.
But you'll get all the gory details in this episode.
There's a rather long list of people that God commands us to kill - sometimes by stoning or burning them to death.
This list includes the infamous verse of Leviticus 20:13, which is often quoted to justify the mistreatment of homosexuals.
This episode has one of the best verses in the Bible - Love your neighbor as yourself. Leviticus 19:18
But it also has some strange ones:
- Don't sow with mixed seeds, and don't mix linen and wool in the same garment.
- Consider all fruit from fruit trees less than three years old to be uncircumcised.
- Don't round the corners of your heads or mar the corners of your beards.
And it also has two of my favorite commandments: Stand in the presence of old people, and honor the face of an old man.
There's a whole chapter in the Bible (Leviticus 18) that tells you who shouldn't have sex with - or as the King James Version puts it - whose nakedness you shouldn't uncover. It also has one of the most homophobic verses in the Bible - Leviticus 18:22.
We've all heard about scapegoats and Yom Kippur. In this episode we learn where they came from.
Leviticus 16
- God's warning to Aaron
- Aaron's holy garments
- The scapegoat
- The day of atonement: Yom Kippur
Leviticus 17
- God forbids' do-it-yourself sacrifices
- Sacrifices to devils
- Eating blood
As God himself explains in Lev 15:32-33, "This is the law of a man that has an issue, or who is defiled by the seed that comes out of him, and of women who are sick of her flowers and of a man that lies with her" - that is, a man with an infected penis, a woman who is menstruating, and a man who has sex with her in this condition. Important stuff that you won't want to miss!
Leviticus 15
- A man with a running issue from his flesh
- The seed of copulation
- God's law for menstruating women
In this episode, God explains his views on childbirth and leprosy. Here is a brief summary.
- Women are unclean and sinful after childbirth - and they are twice as unclean if they have a baby girl.
- Those with leprosy are unclean and excluded from the community.
- But fortunately, God has a cure for leprosy.
For the details, listen to the podcast.
Leviticus 12
- Unclean mothers
Leviticus 13
- Leprosy
- Bald but clean
- The law of the leper
- Garment leprosy
Leviticus 14
- God's cure for leprosy
- House leprosy
Leviticus 11
In this episode, God explains his complete animal taxonomy.
All animals are classified as either clean or unclean.
The unclean animals are abominations to God, and he insists that we consider them abominable as well.
Among the abominable birds are eagles, owls, hawks, and herons - and bats, which just abominable birds to God.
Other abominable creatures are shrimp, crabs, lobster, oysters, and clams.
And watch out for those lying creeping things that go on all four, with legs above their feet. They are abominations, too.
In this episode we hear more about the urim and thummim and the curious girdle of the ephod.
Moses wipes blood on Aaron and his four sons' right ears, thumbs, and big toes.
The fat, rump, intestines, liver, unleavened cake, oiled bread, wafer, and right shoulder are all waved for a wave offering before the Lord.
Blood is sprinkled on Aaron and his sons.Everyone sees the glory of the Lord.
And God burns to death Aaron's sons, Nadab and Abihu, for offering strange fire.
Leviticus 8
- Aaron and his sons become priests
Leviticus 9
- More animal sacrifices
- The glory of the Lord
Leviticus 10
- God burns Aaron's sons to death
- Don't drink in the tabernacle (or you'll die)
Leviticus 5
- Unclean and guilty: for touching bodily discharges, dead bugs, etc.
Leviticus 6
- Lost and found
- The sin offering
Leviticus 7
- The Trespass offering
- The peace offering
- Don't eat fat, blood, or roadkill
- The wave offering
- The heave offering
- A statute forever
Leviticus 1
- The burnt offering: a sweet savor to God
Leviticus 2
- The meat offering: it is most holy
Leviticus 3
- The peace offering: all the fat is the Lord's
Leviticus 4
- Sins through ignorance: sprinkle the blood seven times before me
Exodus 35
- Sabbath laws
- Stuff God wants
- The people bring stuff to God
- Bezaleel and Aholiab
Exodus 36
- Bezaleel and Aholiab make things for God
Exodus 37
- Bezaleel makes more stuff for God
Exodus 38
- Bezaleel makes even more stuff for God
Exodus 39
- Bezaleel makes holy garments for priests
Exodus 40
- Setting up the tabernacle....
- A cloud at night and a fire during the day
Exodus 33
- A land flowing with milk and honey
- God talks to Moses face to face
- God shows Moses his back parts
Exodus 32
- Aaron's golden calf
- Moses talks God out of killing everyone
- Moses breaks the stone tablets
- Aaron's excuses
- God forces people to kill their family, friends, and neighbors
- The Lord plagued the people
Exodus 38
- God's survey and tax plan
- Priests must wash their hands and feet (Or they will die)
- God's holy oil and perfume
Exodus 39
- Bezaleel and Aholiab
- The Sabbath
Exodus 29
- Wave, heave, and sin offerings
- Daily animal sacrifices
Exodus 30
- Make an altar, burn incense, and sacrifice animals
Exodus 28
- How to make holy garments for priests
Exodus 29
- The procedure for making priests
Exodus 24
- Moses and God on Mount Sinai
Exodus 25
- Stuff God wants
Exodus 26
- God's instructions for making curtains
Exodus 27
- How to make an altar and tabernacle court
Exodus 22
- Even more commandments
Exodus 23
- Good Rules
- Rules about sabbaths, gods, feasts, and sacrifice
- More rules and promises
Exodus 21
- On slavery
- On selling your daughter
- On polygamy
- On murder
- On disobedient children and slave stealers
- On assault
- On slave beating
- On miscarriage / abortion
- More about slave beating
- On ox goring
Exodus 19
- Moses visits God on Mount Sinai
Exodus 20
- The Ten Commandments
- A few more commandments
Exodus 19
- Moses visits God on Mount Sinai
Exodus 20
- The Ten Commandments
- A few more commandments
Exodus 16
- Manna and quails
Exodus 17
- Water from a rock
- War with Amalek
Exodus 18
- Jethro visits Moses
Exodus 13
- Every firstborn man or beast belongs to God
- Through the wilderness of the Red Sea
Exodus 14
- The Red Sea crossing
Exodus 15
- The Song of Moses
- The waters of Marah
Exodus 11
- God plans the tenth plague
Exodus 12
- God finds a way to avoid killing the wrong children
- Passover laws
- The tenth plague: God kills all the Egyptian firstborn children and animals
- The Israelites begin their Exodus from Egypt
Exodus 9
- The fifth plague: All cattle in Egypt die
- The sixth plague: Boils
- The seventh plague: Hail
Exodus 10
- The eighth plague: Locusts
- The ninth plague: Three days of darkness
Exodus 5
- Moses and Aaron talk to the Pharaoh
Exodus 6
- The Genealogy of Moses and Aaron
Exodus 7
- God prepares Moses and Aaron for their meeting with Pharaoh
- The rod to snake trick
- The first plague of Egypt: The river turns to blood
Exodus 1
- Jacob's family moves to Egypt
Exodus 2
- The birth and infancy of Moses
- Moses kills an Egyptian
- Moses flees to Midian
- Moses and Zipporah
Genesis 46
- Jacob and his family travel to the land of Goshen
- Joseph meets Jacob and his family
Genesis 47
- Pharaoh invites Jacob and his family to live in Goshen
- Joseph collects all the money in Egypt
- Joseph swears to bury Jacob in Canaan
Genesis 48
- Jacob's (messed up) blessing of Ephraim and Manasseh
Genesis 49
- Jacob's deathbed speech
- Jacob dies
Genesis 50
- Jacob's burial
- Joseph's brothers apologize to Joseph
- Joseph dies
Genesis 42
- Jacob's sons travel to Egypt
- Jacob's sons return to Canaan
Genesis 43
- Jacob's sons return to Egypt
Genesis 44
- Jacob's sons leave Egypt
- Joseph's divining cup
Genesis 45
- Joseph identifies himself to his brothers
Genesis 39
- Potiphar buys Joseph
- Potiphar's wife
- Joseph is imprisoned
Genesis 40
- The king's butler and baker
- The butler's dream
- The baker's dream
- Joseph's interpretations come true
Genesis 41
- The Pharaoh's dreams
- Joseph interprets the Pharaoh's dreams
- Joseph's interpretations come true
Genesis 35
- God renames Jacob (again)
- Rachel dies
- Reuben has sex with his father's concubine
- Isaac dies
Genesis 36
- The generations of Esau
Genesis 37
- Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children
- Joseph's dreams
- Joseph's brothers get rid of Joseph
Genesis 31
- The great baby-making contest
- Jacob asks Laban to let him leave
- Jacob's speckled and spotted goat trick
Genesis 29-30
- The great baby-making contest
- Jacob asks Laban to let him leave
- Jacob's speckled and spotted goat trick
Genesis 28
- Isaac's instruction to his son Jacob: Don't marry a Canaanite
- Esau takes a third wife, a daughter of Ishmael
- Jacob dreams on a pillow of stones
Genesis 29
- Jacob meets Rachel at the well
Genesis 26
- God tells Isaac to visit the land of the Philistines
- Isaac tells Abimelech that Rebekah is his sister
- God blesses Isaac in the land of the Philistines
- Esau marries Judith and Bashemath
Text and notes for this episode
Genesis 25
- Abraham takes another wife - Keturah
- Abraham dies, giving all his possessions to Isaac
- The birth of Isaac's sons, Esau and Jacob
- Esau sells his inheritance for a bowl of lentil soup
Text and notes for this episode
Genesis 23
- Sarah dies.
Genesis 24
- Abraham make his servant swear (that he won't let Isaac marry a Canaanite)
- The servant finds a wife for Isaac - Rebekah
Genesis 22
- God tells Abraham to kill his son, Isaac
- Abraham prepares to kill Isaac for God
- An angel to the rescue
- God blesses Abraham for his willingness to kill his son
Text and notes for this episode
Genesis 21
- God visits Sarah, and she conceives
- Sarah tells Abraham to abandon his first son, Ishmael
- Abraham does what he's told
Genesis 20
- God threatens to kill Abimelech and his people
- Abraham says it was only a half lie
- God opens all the wombs in Abimelech's house
Episode text and notes
Genesis 19
- Two angels come to Sodom
- The men of Sodom as to get to know the angels
- Lot offers his tow virgin daughters
- Lot and his family leave Sodom, and God destroys it
- Lot's wife looks back, and God turns her into a pilar of salt
- Lot gets drunk and impregnates his daughters
Text and notes for this episode
Abraham, Sarah, Hagar, and Ishmael - just one big happy family.
Plus Abraham circumcises himself when he's 99 years old, and he tries to talk God out of killing everyone in Sodom.
Chapter 15
- God's promise to Abraham (1-19)
Chapter 16
- Abraham impregnates Sarah's slave, Hagar (1-4)
- Sarah forces Hagar to leave (5-6)
- God sends an angel to retrieve Hagar (7-14)
- Hagar gives birth to Ishmael (15-16)
Chapter 17
- God's everlasting covenant: circumcision (1-14)
- God promises to get Sarah pregnant (15-16)
- Abraham laughs at God (17-21)
- Abraham, Ishmael, and male slaves are circumcised (23-26)
Chapter 18
- Abraham feeds God and three men (1-8)
- Sarah laughs at God (9-15)
- God wonders if he should tell Abraham about Sodom (16-22)
- Abraham tries to talk God out of it (23-33)
Text and notes for this episode
The story about Noah's drunkenness, the sin of Ham, and the curse of Canaan has troubled everyone who has read it.
What exactly did Ham do that was so awful to deserve such a severe punishment?
It all takes place in just eight verses (Genesis 9:20-27) and it was covered in our last episode. But we didn't have time to discuss the various theories that have been proposed about the sin of Ham.
So if you've ever wondered what Ham did in this Bible story, this episode is for you. In it you'll find the answer.
Genesis 9
- God's post flood instructions (0:35)
- The rainbow (2:34)
- Noah, the drunk and naked (3:52)
- The curse of Canaan (4:10)
Genesis 10
- The descendants of Japheth, Ham, and Shem (8:33)
Genesis 11
- The Tower of Babel (9:09)
- The genealogy from Shem to Abraham (11:43)
- Abraham travels to Haran (13:08)
Genesis 12
- Abraham travels to Canaan (13:55)
- Sarah lies for Abraham the first time (14:54:)
Genesis 13
- Abraham, Sarah, and Lot return to Canaan (17:40)
- Abraham and Lot split up (17:54)
- Lot chooses Sodom for a new home (18:19)
- God promises to give Abraham everything (18:30)
Genesis 14
- The battle of Sodom and Gomorrah (19:00)
Text for this episode, with notes and corrections
Genesis 4
- Cain kills his brother Abel (0:46)
- The life of Cain (2:44)
- Lamech, a bigamist and a murderer (5:24)
- Adam and Eve have another boy: Seth (6:25)
Genesis 5
- Adam's family (6:37)
- From Seth to Noah (8:01)
Chapter 6
- The Sons of God and the daughters of men (11:07)
- God plans the flood (12:24)
Chapter 7
- Noah's ark (14:34)
- The great flood (16:35)
Chapter 8
- The flood subsides (17:21)
- Noah's sacrifice (17:38)
Text for this episode
The first creation account
The second creation account
Two trees, a talking serpent and a fearful god
Cain kills his brother Abel
The life of Cain
Lamech, a bigamist and a murderer
Adam and Eve have another son, Seth.