@HEALTH & WELLBEING – BIZCATALYST 360°: Recent Episodes
BIZCATALYST 360
Part 1 – Family History Comes to VisitEvery time I go to a doctor, I am asked to fill out a form that, at some point, will ask me about my family medical history. I list my father’s death at age 23, recently adding that it was most likely from contaminated water at Camp Lejeune. I mention my mother’s alcoholism and heart attack death at age 56, and my grandmother’s deadly aortic aneurism. In my younger years, these reports were of interest to me, but not necessarily pertaining to me. I rarely drink and never smoked. As I got older, there were concerns about blood pressure, cholesterol, and most recently type II diabetes. Currently, all those issues are under control with meds, diet, and exercise. I’ve been patting myself on the back for controlling my blood sugar so well that I don’t need any medication for that. Recently, after reading about a female runner who didn’t start running races until she was 70, I decided to start training myself. I was excited about completing my first race.
Who knew I was walking around with a heart that would soon be described as having a 90% chance of a heart attack?
It started with my younger sister. Eager to take an early retirement, she decided to get a complete physical and check-up while she was still employed. Within a short period of time, she learned that she had an elevated calcium score, was catheterized, and had two stents put in. One of her arteries was 95% blocked. She encouraged me to get checked. Suddenly, our mother’s deadly heart attack at 56 could have been caused by more than her alcoholism. Family history is important.
I started the tests. At first, things appeared good, excellent blood work, especially regarding triglycerides and cholesterol. The cardiologist told me that once the tests were finished, I’d probably have to see him once a year. Until yesterday.
The day before I had a calcium score test. The technician told me that it would take about a week to get the results. I went on my merry way. I even missed the early morning call from the cardiologist. He left a message about some elevation, and I should start taking baby aspirin and call the office. While I was driving to work, I called his office (hands-free, of course! Safety first). What they told me almost caused me to drive off the road.
“Elevation” was a mild word for my results. My score was way higher than my sister’s, putting me in the 90% chance of a heart attack category. Suddenly, everyone at the cardiologist’s office knew my name. They fast-tracked me for a Nuclear Myocardial Perfusion Scan, transferring me to the scheduling department with instructions to remind them this was an urgent situation. Well, I didn’t have to do that. As soon as I said my name, she replied, “Oh yes, I was just reviewing your paperwork.”
And despite the urgency, I will still have to wait a week to get the test done. As a person with anxiety issues anyway, it sounded like an eternity. I spent the rest of the day alternately crying and sleeping. Dale, the love of my life I have written about before, was supportive. He has his own calcium score burden, thankfully much lower than mine. It was a comfort to feel like we were now on the same team. We were horrified to discover how much salt contributes to these issues (we knew about cholesterol, and rarely added salt to our food – but it is in practically everything!)
As my anxiety quieted, I realized that my sister’s issue and my issue have a common denominator – family history. We have to take it seriously.
Part 2- The Golden ThreadWhen thinking about life, it is easy to understand why so many cultures have stories and legends about gods, goddesses, and all sorts of beings invested with power over human life. In times when diseases were not understood, it made perfect sense that someone, or something evil, caused afflictions. Recently, The Fates has occupied my thoughts. One Fate to spin the thread of life, one to measure that thread, and one to cut the thread to end life. Their work seemed capricious, taking down both good and evil gods, as well as mortal humans. In fact, their power over life and death made them the most feared and the most powerful of all the magical deities in both Greek and Roman mythology.
Three weeks ago, I was given health news that made me think of my own golden thread. How Atropos may have been sharpening her scissors not so far behind me. Meanwhile, Cotho, the spinner, and Lachesis, the allotor, would continue to spin and measure until the scissor performed its duty.
I spent anxious days waiting until the “as soon as possible” test would confirm what I had already been told – a 90% chance of a heart attack — soon. I learned how capricious life is. Within two weeks I lost two friends. One who had called me to tell me she was going to die, and there was nothing to do about it, so she was at peace with it. She said she specifically called me to “make her laugh,” using my Laughter Wellness powers. And laugh we did. We made plans for a short visit, depending on how her day would be going, but the Fates had other plans. On the day I was having my nuclear scan and stress test, she passed away in her sleep.
This news came right after there was an unexpected turn of events for me. Had this been Ancient Greek, I would have sworn that Zeus intervened for me. After the testing, my doctor called me and said, that despite the frightful calcium score, my heart was just fine — not just fine, but strong, and there were no restrictions to blood flow. As he had originally predicted from my first visit, he instructed me to continue with my cholesterol meds, stay on the baby aspirin, and come back in six months. Atropos would have to wait.
As I was processing mixed emotions, three days later, a long-time friend died suddenly and unexpectedly. I could not comprehend it. My grief-stricken brain kept playing out the “why” and “what if” scenarios. As humans, the only guarantee is that you will die — your golden thread of life will run out.
I know in my heart that there are no Fates pulling the strings. The world is full of religions, beliefs, theories, and superstitions. In times of grief, heartache, and loss, we seek to make sense of tragedy through our beliefs. Well-meaning friends offer condolences, prayers, meditations, hugs, and helping hands. But in the end, Death holds all the threads and leaves behind the scars of loss. Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy said it best:
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
May all our wounds gently rest as scars, and memories of shared smiles and laughter weave a golden thread around our hearts, to bring us comfort, and restore our resilience.
While waiting for a train at a station in Atlanta, Georgia, a young man wearing dress pants and a button-down shirt sat on a bench. As he struggled with his tie, an older woman encouraged her husband to help. When the elderly man hunched over and began teaching the young man how to knot the tie, a stranger took a photo of the trio. When this photo went viral online, many viewers left comments about the power of random acts of kindness.
In a world filled with darkness, let us be the light.
Imagine a news cycle where headlines are filled not with tragedy, but with triumph. A world where stories of kindness are as commonplace as the morning sunrise. Instead of being bombarded with negativity, what if we were inspired daily by tales of everyday heroes, selfless acts, and communities coming together to make a difference?
Let’s flip the script. Let’s choose to focus on the good. Let’s be the change we want to see in the world. By sharing stories of compassion, we can ignite a spark of hope in others, reminding them that humanity is capable of incredible acts of love and kindness.
Join us in spreading positivity. Let’s flood the world with stories that uplift, inspire, and remind us of the inherent goodness in all of us. Together, we can create a brighter future, one act of kindness at a time.
CLICK TO SHARE YOUR STORY OF HUMANKINDNESS WITH THE UNIVERSE
What moments of human goodness have you witnessed this week, this month, or this year that have touched your heart or renewed your faith in humanity? CLICK ABOVE and tell us about those moments so we can spread the warmth of goodness across the universe by adding your story to our global HUMANKINDNESS Showcase.
Editor’s Note: Enjoy our evolving *Exploring Our Shared Humanity Series HERE*
Uncertainty is massively de-stabilizing to the nervous system. Us humans like predictability – which is why we like to categorize people, by their job, marital status, ethnicity, city of birth, political party affiliation, gender etc.
The last few months (and years) have been hugely unstable for many people. The extreme weather decimated communities, the extreme polarity in politics, and the beginning of the awakening by many of the extraordinary disparities between people when you categorize us according to the census—races/ ethnicities/ genders/ city & state—perhaps you feel that too.
This uncertainty has, in many cases, created loss for many people: jobs, relationships, homes, and communities. What amplifies the loss is the lack of ritual to mark the transition.
This is called ambiguous loss.This is the kind of loss that occurs without closure or clear understanding, such as when someone you have been communicating with ghosts you, and you don’t know whether it’s because they found a better option or you offended them somehow.
The thing about ambiguity is that you create potential answers, or play out scenarios of things that you would like to say or do, as you try to create clarity and understanding. And this slows down your grieving and complicates the healing process. We get stuck in what I like to call the “subjective swirl” in our own heads. And this plays out in our energy body & consumes our limited time, energy, and focus.
Ambiguous loss can create anxiety, confusion, and chronic sorrow.
Emotions are energy in motion – e-motion. An emotion has a lifespan of about 90 seconds. However, this is where things get sticky. It is really easy for this emotion to get stuck & not disperse through your system rather than getting stuck. When that happens the emotion becomes a mood. Moods can last for hours to days, to weeks, to months, to years. And then, at some point, these moods become your personality. And then shifting becomes much harder.
Our brains are designed to be efficient – creating automation is one of the ways that our brains reduce energetic output. Our brains work in tandem with all the other systems that comprise us – eleven in total. For example, the hormonal system. If we habitually react to adrenaline to complete tasks – it can be hard to complete tasks without adrenaline. As a sidebar – this is something that people like me, who have ADHD do – we create adrenaline due to the low levels of dopamine that we naturally produce. The adrenaline (like coffee, Adderall etc) gives us the fire to take action. Another example could include working to retrain your most habitual response to stress – fight-flight-faun-freeze responses.
So, how do we process ambiguous loss?There are of course many options that can support this, for example, exercise, conversations with friends, and various forms of therapy, including talk therapies, EFT (tapping), EMDR, plant-based medicines, etc. I am also a huge fan of finding and practicing tools that I can institute on my own, and repeat, reflect on and rely on, and then use in these other spheres of support.
I am going to share my THREE favorite tools for processing and managing ambiguous loss.
1 – DIALOG JOURNALING
This is a style of journaling that helps you play out the ambiguity.
- Take a moment to identify the person you would like to communicate with, who played a significant role in your experience of ambiguous loss. If it’s not clear yet, follow the steps below and see who emerges.
- Grab a notebook and pen and set it next to you.
- Close your eyes, get grounded. Either crossed legs or sitting in a chair ground with your feet, sit up straight and lengthen your exhales for a few minutes.
- Allow a soothing place in nature to emerge in your mind’s eye – and start to walk along the path that emerges in front of you.
- Notice someone walking towards you on the path.
- As you start to see the features of the person walking towards you, notice that this is the person who you did not have a resolved interaction with (note – the person can be living or dead). Look at them, see them, feel them.
- Open your eyes, take your notebook, and have a conversation with this person: Your initial: “…..” Their initial: “…..” Repeat. For example:
- You: Why did you never respond to that last text?
- Person X: I felt uncomfortable and ashamed
- You: I was deeply hurt by your silence & lack of explanation
- Person X: etc…
You are literally writing out a conversation with this person.
When you are finished read through and write a summary statement with any observations. THIS STEP IS KEY to providing an extra level of objectivity to your observations. You might notice the emotional valence of the dialog – sadness, hurt, anger. You can release this into the universe – by burning the piece of paper. You can use your revelations to reach out to them, if that feels good, you can take this to your next therapy appointment, or you can do some more journaling about what you concluded.
You can use this technique with people from your past too – perhaps a family member, ex-lover, or ex-boss who you have some residual and unresolved feelings toward.
2 – CREATE YOUR OWN RITUAL
Rituals are practices that have been lost by many cultures. Whether they are coming of age – the red tent, bar mitzvah, quinceanera or mark a transition in life like a baptism, retirement party, a wake.. All these events have an energy of transitioning from one state, one place, one energetic frame to another. And as humans, they help us with the grief, the mourning, the excitement and all the emotions in between that are often ignored by our society,
When I got divorced nine years ago, I was really struck by the legal aspect of the ending, standing there in court, which in Ohio has such a vile patriarchal thrust because ALL women are asked if they are pregnant (even if you’re 90 years old or you have been separated for years) as part of the process. It felt hollow and failed to acknowledge the beauty that had come out of the marriage – my three children. Also, it only focused on the ending, not the beginning – my re-entry back into the world again, as a whole person – because I refused to buy into the “better half” narrative.
The first ritual was one that I repeated for the next eight years. I committed to having a party for me and my three babies every year on my wedding anniversary. I would bake a cake and celebrate THEM, because without my marriage, they would not exist. Now that day just passes me by without much awareness or reflection.
The second ritual I participated in was a one-off event – a friend of mine organized a divorce party. It was similar to a bachelorette party (AKA Hen Party if you’re a Brit). It was a combination of food, dancing, strippers, silly gifts and celebration of the next stage of my life. I was 39 when I got divorced – so a lot of life ahead of me!
3 – MEDITATION – loving-kindness or tonglen
There are two really useful meditations that I have been practicing for well over a decade and are really helpful when you want to shift the sad or angry energy regarding a person or group of people.
Tonglen is a process of absorbing the pain of others and transmuting it. This practice requires you to be feeling strong enough to absorb the pain of others, so don’t do this if you’re feeling emotionally battered. I have done this for people who are dying – either sitting with them and far away. I have done this for groups of people during times of extreme stress.
- Sit quietly, and think about who you would like to do this for – it could be a person, a group of people, the whole world
- Start your meditation practice by taking your seat: closed eyes, chin parallel to the ground, firm seat, erect posture, hands relaxed in lap, legs crossed or feet on the floor
- After a few minutes of quiet breathing, bring your attention to your heart center & see it start to energize as a bright, golden healing center
- Exhale all your air and then inhale all the pain of the person/ people you have chosen. Imagine it is dark, heavy smoke that you inhale through all your pores and into your heart center
- The bright, golden healing light transmutes the smoke and you exhale that bright healing light
- Keep going for as long as you feel able!
Loving-kindness
This is a practice which I was taught in 2008. In December 2012 my Buddhist teacher, a nun, had us practice this for the Sandy Hook events. The twist was we were to do this for the shooter, not the families. We found this really hard, but she suggested that the way to heal the world was to work with the harder emotions, our feelings towards people who had hurt us, hurt others and behaved in destructive, abusive ways.
What I have noticed over the years of teaching this practice is the throb of emotions as they play across the faces of those I am teaching – sometimes the tears, the tightening of the jawlines.
- Start your meditation practice by taking your seat: closed eyes, chin parallel to the ground, firm seat, erect posture, hands relaxed in lap, legs crossed or feet on floor. This practice helps you move through your different emotions toward people.
- Start by envisioning someone you LOVE. Let their image appear in front of you – see their clothes, eyes, and expressions. Feel them.
Then say to them:
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be safe
May you feel at ease
Let that image disperse.
- Next, envision someone who is NEUTRAL to you. Let their image appear in front of you – see their clothes, eyes, and expressions. Feel them
Then say to them:
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be safe
May you feel at ease
Let that image disperse.
- Then envision someone who you HATE or DISLIKE intensely. Let their image appear in front of you – see their clothes, eyes, and expressions. Feel them
Then say to them:
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be safe
May you feel at ease
Let that image disperse.
If you continue with this practice you will notice that people might move between the categories. Someone who is neutral today might become someone you love. Someone who you hate might become neutral. The way we categorize people is essentially being challenged too. What most people report – and I have personally experienced, is that when I work with a very challenging individual in the hate category, their power over my emotions diminishes.
So my lovelies if you are experiencing ambiguous loss at the moment, know that you are not alone. There are many of us here who feel it and are holding your tender heart.
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to criticize yourself? We do it almost without thinking. “I’m not good enough at this,” or “I’ll never get it right.” It’s like there’s a constant critic lurking in the background, ready to belittle our efforts. But here’s the thing: how often do we stop and celebrate our small wins or speak kindly to ourselves?
Today, I invite you to take a moment to become aware of how you’re speaking to yourself. Are you quick to criticize, or are you kind and supportive, like you would be to a dear friend?
In our fast-paced world, it can feel almost unnatural to show ourselves love and appreciation. But just like any other relationship, your relationship with yourself needs nurturing. Mindfulness is a powerful tool that helps us tune into this inner dialogue. When we become aware of how often we’re tearing ourselves down, we can begin to shift our inner voice toward self-compassion.
Jenn’s Story
One of my clients, Jenn, shared her journey through this process:
“I recently completed the 90-Day Rewire & Radiate program. Nancy taught me how to see my truth and be set free. I became a witness, without judgment or expectation, to my thoughts, moods, feelings, and actions. Where I once felt stuck, I learned to move. Where I felt confused, clarity arose. Where I was lost, I was found. It sounds big and mystical as I write this, but the process is simple and available to everyone. Nancy makes self-exploration feel like an adventure. I am forever changed.”
Jenn’s words are a testament to the power of becoming aware of our inner critic. The moment we become witnesses to our own thoughts, without judgment, we create the space to shift from self-loathing to self-love.
Notice Your Triggers
The first step is awareness. Take a moment to reflect: What triggers your inner critic? Is it when you make a mistake at work? When you look in the mirror? Or perhaps when you’re around certain people?
Once you recognize these triggers, practice responding with kindness instead of criticism. You might say, “It’s okay, everyone makes mistakes,” or “I’m doing the best I can.” These small shifts in how we talk to ourselves can make a world of difference.
Cultivating Self-Love: Simple Mindfulness Practices
Here are three ways you can start turning down the volume on that inner critic and fostering a mindset of self-love:
- Pause and Reflect: When you catch yourself being critical, pause. Take a deep breath. Then ask yourself, “Would I speak to my best friend this way?” Shift your tone toward compassion.
- Daily Gratitude: Start a practice of writing down three things you appreciate about yourself every day. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but over time, you’ll begin to see yourself in a more positive light.
- Mantras for Self-Compassion: Use affirmations like, “I am enough,” or “I am worthy of love,” especially during challenging moments. Repeating these phrases helps to rewire the mind and soften the inner critic.
Be Your Own Best Friend
Remember, self-love is not a luxury; it’s essential. You deserve the same kindness you so freely give to others. If you’re struggling to quiet that inner voice, I’m here to help.
Kelley Cours Anderson, College of Charleston, and Karen Anne Wallach, University of Alabama in Huntsville
Life in the digital world can be rewarding. It’s convenient to order groceries for pickup, share photographs or music, and keep in touch with family and friends, no matter the distance. However, it can also be draining. The feeling of being constantly “on” and productive has driven people to reconsider their balance in the saturated digital world.
More than 70% of American adults are concerned about how technology affects their mental health and personal relationships. This worry is reinforced through media that point to people’s unhealthy habits with social media and phones.
What to do? There is a fuzzy line between healthy and unhealthy digital consumption. Some folks feel the need to fully disconnect from the digital world to understand this boundary. The idea of digital detoxing is gaining popularity. This practice involves intentionally unplugging from digital technologies in the pursuit of balance and digital well-being. Nearly half of Americans report that they are making a conscious effort to regularly step away from their screens.
But is this attempt enough? It’s no surprise that 62% of Americans confess to feeling addicted to their devices and the internet. Despite people’s best efforts to unplug and strike a balance, research indicates that digital detoxes often fall short.
Digital well-being is subjective. We research technology and consumer behavior. Our recent research studied the digital detox journey, where people take a much-needed break from digital consumption, aiming to uncover what supports or sabotages those seeking digital well-being. Our findings highlighted four key strategies to improve the outcome of this journey toward achieving a healthier digital balance: replacement practices, social bonds, mindfulness, and digital well-being as a journey.
- Finding replacement practicesWe found that feelings of withdrawal during a digital detox are quite common. For many, reaching for their phones and scrolling has become such a ritual that they often don’t realize they are doing it. Many turn to their devices when bored or stressed, much like an adult pacifier. As a result, finding an alternative to distract your mind and occupy your hands can be crucial during a digital detox.
These replacement practices often involve hobbies or activities that result in play. As adults, people sometimes forget what it feels like to have fun. By separating fun from your task list and engaging in play for its own sake, you can significantly reduce stress levels and boost your digital well-being.
- Shoring up social bondsHumans are inherently social creatures. Indeed, tools such as email, text messages and social media offer ways to enhance social connections. This innate desire for connection, however, combined with people’s reliance on technology, can lead to feelings of FOMO – fear of missing out – and anxiety during a digital detox.
The average adult now spends 70% less time with friends than they did two decades ago. Digital devices offer connection, but pieces of the experience are missing, such as the joy of in-person contact and trust in others that can be difficult to get online. So while we’re a more connected society, relationships suffer and people are more lonely than ever.
Therefore, during a digital detox it is vital to fill your cup with community, whether through existing friendships or by creating new ones. We recommend engaging in a digital detox alongside others, because FOMO may rear its ugly head if your friend pulls out their phone during a night out.
- Emphasizing mindfulnessIn today’s fast-paced environment, finding a moment to pause can feel nearly impossible. Many experience solitude deprivation, meaning people often don’t have moments to be alone with their own thoughts. Yet, the ability to just be can allow time for reflection, helping you consider what makes you happy and healthy. Finding moments where you can step away – to be still and silent – can provide a much-needed recharge.
With adults spending about 90% of their time indoors, breaking the routine and heading outside can offer a more holistic perspective on both personal and global well-being. In our study, yoga and meditation were common ways that detoxers found moments to become more aware of their own thoughts, which helped foster more intentional behaviors.
- Viewing digital well-being as an ongoing journeyUltimately, digital well-being is a journey. It is not a checklist that, once completed, means you are fulfilled.
Unfortunately, a single detox isn’t enough to cure digital imbalance. Instead, a successful detox often leaves people feeling introspective and curious. Our research participants shared that relapses are common, especially if they don’t set and monitor ongoing goals. Importantly, your needs change and evolve over time. In other words, what works now might not be what you need in the future.
Willpower just isn’t enough. We recommend identifying specific goals for yourself related to your own digital well-being. These aren’t productivity goals but goals to be unproductive. The aim is to unplug in more fulfilling ways. Whether planning a weekly game night with friends or taking a 10-minute walk without your phone, making time to unplug is worth it in the long run.
Researchers still have more to learn to help support digital wellness. We should remember, though, that individual differences play a crucial role in this equation, meaning that the journey to achieving digital harmony is uniquely personal. Thus, as people navigate their tech-saturated lives, it’s clear that finding the right balance is a complex, highly individualized process.
The digital detox journey can be challenging, but many people discover it to be rewarding in the end. People are not machines, however, so recognizing your limits and finding ways to reconnect with yourself and others during a detox can significantly enhance your sense of humanity and digital well-being.
Kelley Cours Anderson, Assistant Professor of Marketing, College of Charleston and Karen Anne Wallach, Assistant Professor of Marketing, University of Alabama in Huntsville
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to be able to do it.
―J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
Remember when dandelions were magical wish-makers, not weeds? When cardboard boxes transformed into spaceships and blanket forts held infinite possibilities? Somewhere between mortgage payments and Monday meetings, we misplaced our ability to see wonder in the ordinary.
My wife Ali and I rediscovered our wonder on the Camino de Santiago (see more about our transformational pilgrimage below) not long ago, as we spent countless hours walking amongst glorious nature, paying close attention to the splendor of it all. Each morning brought new fields of poppies, their delicate red petals dancing against the Spanish sky. As we progressed along the ancient pilgrim path, we noticed the poppy fields gradually disappearing until they vanished altogether. This slow farewell awakened something in us: a childlike curiosity about nature’s rhythms and mysteries that we’d long forgotten in our busy lives. We wondered; Was it the changing season that brought about their demise? Did the soil become infertile for poppies to thrive?
Navigating Our “Way” Back – With A Million Steps Forward
Wonder What Happened to Wonder?We’ve traded fairy tales for Facebook feeds, and cloud-gazing for cloud storage. Our thumbs scroll endlessly through digital landscapes while real flowers bloom and wither outside our windows, unnoticed and uncelebrated. The poppies still dance in the breeze, but we’ve forgotten how to see them dance.
This isn’t just nostalgia speaking – it’s a call to reclaim something precious we’ve lost. Wonder isn’t childish; it’s the spark that ignites creativity, fuels discovery and makes life worth living. Einstein himself said imagination is more important than knowledge, yet we’ve created a world that values spreadsheets over stargazing.
We carry inside us the wonders we seek outside us.
—Rumi
The good news? Wonder isn’t gone – it’s just sleeping. Like a muscle, it can be strengthened with use. Start small: spend five minutes really looking at a flower, tracing its petals, imagining its journey from seed to bloom. Listen to rainfall as if it’s music. Draw terrible pictures with your non-dominant hand and laugh at the results. Build a fort, even if you’re 45 and your coworkers would think you’re crazy.
So, where have all the poppies gone? They have followed the natural course of life – growing, blooming, fading, and making way for what comes next. Their brief but brilliant existence reminds us to live fully, love deeply, and leave behind seeds of kindness and wisdom for those who will come after us.
The world hasn’t become less magical – we’ve just stopped looking for the magic. It’s still there in morning dew and midnight stars, in the perfect spiral of a snail’s shell and the impossible flight of bumblebees. It’s in the way trees know winter won’t last forever and in the courage of sidewalk dandelions pushing through concrete.
Our sense of wonder isn’t lost – it’s waiting to be rediscovered, one small miracle at a time.
In a world that often feels divided, wonder connects us all – the parent watching their child’s first steps, the scientist peering through a telescope, the artist mixing colors until they glow. When we embrace wonder, we embrace our shared humanity. We just need to learn to see it again, together.
Will you join me? Let’s be explorers again. Let’s turn off our phones and turn on our imagination. Let’s teach our children – and remind ourselves – that the most precious things in life can’t be bought or sold, only discovered with open eyes and hopeful hearts.
The poppies are still dancing. We just need to learn to see them again.
Editor’s Note: Enjoy our evolving Exploring Our Shared Humanity Series HERE
Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows.
~ Michael Landon
We’ve all heard the saying, “Life is too short not to enjoy it today” but we seldom take time to personalize the deeper meaning. It’s like the universe’s way of saying, “Hey, you! Time’s a ticking—so quit procrastinating!” Years ago, this sentiment hit home for me personally while conducting a memorial service for a young man who left the planet suddenly and far too early. People at the gathering shared heartfelt stories, some funny, some tearful, and others regretfully lamented he didn’t get to surf the Great Barrier Reef in Australia—something he always dreamt of doing.
This event got me to thinking, and it changed the arc of my life to a point that “no regrets” became my mantra. Now, when my last day on Earth comes, I’m very clear I don’t want to be the one left holding the bag regretfully saying, “Dang … if I had only known, I would have spent fewer hours at the office, taken that trip to Thailand, learned to skydive and salsa dance, written that next book, studied French, adopted that dog, or run that marathon.” Seriously, I don’t want to be the person who spent so much time in the office that my computer gets more face time with me than my own family.
The takeaway for me is as clear as a crisp winter day in Big Sky. Michael Landon’s quote is accurate, except for one thing: there is no limitation on our tomorrows because, as a spoiler alert, tomorrow does not exist—never has and never will! It’s the world’s biggest mirage, a cosmic prank. We can sit around waiting for “tomorrow” until the cows come home (and trust me, sometimes cows take their sweet time), but when tomorrow arrives, guess what? It’s still today! Then what? More of the same old, same old?
So, here’s the million-dollar question: What have we been putting off until “tomorrow”? And why are we waiting any longer?
Life’s too short for “business as usual.” Go ahead, take that trip, adopt that dog, dye our hair the color of a rainbow, and learn French (even if the only thing we ever say is “Oui, oui, croissant!”). Just do it now before we all end up with more regrets than a bad haircut the day before the big prom.
Peace, Dennis Merritt Jones, DD
You see, when you’re homeless, you’re invisible. People don’t want to see you because when they see you it’s very hard for them to just ignore you, to just pretend that you’re not there.
~John S., a homeless man
Homeless culture is a complex and multifaceted phenomenon. It is shaped by a variety of factors, including individual experiences, socioeconomic conditions, and the broader social and political context.
For most of us, homelessness is unimaginable. We take for granted that we’ll be able to meet our daily needs of safety, food, shelter, and companionship without facing incredible obstacles. But every day, thousands of people awake in every region of the world and build their lives despite the challenges of living without shelter or a regular address.
There is no “average” life of a person experiencing homelessness. Life on the street is as varied and complex as life anywhere, and an individual’s experience of homelessness can be a product of their age, health, relationships, employment status, and many other factors. You may be surprised to learn that the homeless culture reflects:
- A strong sense of community and mutual support. Homeless people often form close bonds with each other, sharing resources and providing emotional support.
- A shared set of norms and values. Homeless people develop their own unique ways of coping with the challenges of living on the streets. These coping mechanisms can include things like developing a strong sense of independence, learning to trust others, and developing a sense of humor.
- A unique language and slang. Homeless people often develop their own unique language and slang, which can be used to communicate with other homeless people and to express their experiences.
Homeless culture can be a source of strength and resilience for homeless people. It can help them to cope with the challenges of living on the streets and to maintain a sense of hope for the future. However, homeless culture can also be a barrier to getting help. Homeless people may be reluctant to seek help from mainstream institutions because they fear being stigmatized or discriminated against.
It is important to remember that the homeless culture is not monolithic. There is a great deal of diversity within the homeless population, and homeless people come from all walks of life. Homeless culture is a complex and ever-evolving phenomenon that is shaped by a variety of factors.
Here are some additional insights into the homeless culture:
- Homeless people are not a monolithic group. They come from all walks of life and have a wide range of experiences.
- Homelessness is not a choice. It is the result of a complex set of factors, including poverty, mental illness, addiction, and domestic violence.
- Homeless people are often stigmatized and discriminated against. This can make it difficult for them to get the help they need.
- There are many things that can be done to help homeless people. These include providing affordable housing, access to healthcare, and job training.
There are a wide range of reasons and situations that force a person to homelessness. But one thing is for sure, most of them didn’t choose that life. They’re mostly just victims of circumstances beyond their control. Sometimes, all they need is someone to empathize with them and a chance to redeem themselves. It’s time for us all to come together to “debunk the myths” about the homeless so we can change the narrative “for good” ….
Editor’s Note: Homelessness is a complex and pressing issue affecting millions of people worldwide. It is a condition that is often misunderstood and stigmatized and is often seen as a personal failing rather than a systemic problem. We listened, gathered their stories, and crafted them into our special edition anthology book below, with all profits donated to nonprofits serving this unfortunate population. Help us help them by grabbing your copy HERE.
A sadness comes together sorrow
Waiting comes together, loneliness
Loneliness gathers together into solitude
Fear comes together with bigger fear
All of this. covered by two things!
It’s love and gratitude!
Every corner of the house shows signs of me being sick.
The backyard is full of leaves that have fallen from the big redwood
There is no family emergency medicine that should be.
There are a lot of drugs that I bought alone because I was worried and tried to improve my strange symptoms.
A table with an envious eye in the direction toward the kitchen.
The unforgettable memories are the letters that fell into my head from above…
Like, a big rock fell in front of my eyes.
I grew up in London.
I had to wear a school uniform until I was 16 which was actually really helpful in terms of reducing the daily panic about what to wear.
But I felt it – both the pulse of “Am I fashionable?” and the pulse of rebelliousness – towards society, expectations, and my parents. I even actuated that feeling by buying a belt in the early 90s with the word REBEL in brass. I still wear the belt and honor the concept as both a verb and a noun.
I saved up for a year for a classic black leather biker jacket when I was a freshman in high school. With a pixie cut (as a result of a summer of dying my hair 4 colors and swimming in chlorinated pools), 501s & my black leather biker jacket I wanted to look like George Michael in his “Faith” years. I was deeply upset when I was misgendered – and somewhat confused by it because I have hips and a small waist! I am now confident in how I express myself & identify as heteroflexible.
I remember discovering the ability to personify different identities with thrift store shopping as a young teen – which we called going to the Charity Shop in 80s and 90s London. I found this delicious raspberry suede jacket, with gray fur at the collar and hemline. I blew most of my allowance on it & still have it! Putting on a piece of clothing that feels so markedly different is an energetic stance that I play with around archetypes. I put on the “jacket” of the archetype when I want to embody a particular energy in a situation.
My clothes tell a story of my relationships with others.
What I remember most about my clothing purchases – which are often tied to travel, people, and special moments – is how they made me feel. One of my favorite jackets is an awesome 1970s ski jacket I bought in a vintage store in the Marais, Paris in 1996 because it wouldn’t zip over my fellow backpacker’s massive chest, but luckily would zip over my more modest rack! I can still remember her frustration and eventual sigh when she saw how it fit me like a glove and my first deeply contented awareness that having smaller boobs was actually a boon!
I realized when I was relatively young that I had a certain energy that people would orient towards. I couldn’t articulate it. My grandmother called me sunshine – she was a remarkable human who experienced being orphaned, being abused, being helped to run away, becoming a WW2 nurse, having a 60+ year romance with my grandfather, extreme physical trials living in Africa but ALWAYS re-orienting to and from the power of love.
She was witchy in the best way – “darling I would have been burned at the stake if I had been born 400 years ago.” She was psychic and feisty & as her firstborn’s first born she and I had a bond that was unlike anything I have experienced with any other human.
Her love and belief in me (and all her family) and her ability to see things before they happened gave me – a child raised in an intellectual home of a psychoanalyst & educator – the ease of dancing between the worlds of science and magic. I knew how to be noticed by playing with my energy – I could increase or decrease my energetic presence. I knew how to hide or disappear by playing with my energy. And as a young person, I ascribed a lot of that to my clothing, not to my energy.
Now I recognize their subtle interweaving. How I dress is intimately tied to my energy.
During the pandemic I decided to break a multi-decade mindset about my legs: that they were functional but unshapely enough to not be available for public consumption when bare (unless I was swimming or they were swathed in leggings, stockings, etc).
This mindset was affirmed by a deeply loving family member who, when I complained about my “tree trunk” legs as a teen said, “You have a lovely face, and it’s much easier to hide your legs than your face.” It was meant with love. I took it as proof that my bare legs were probably best hidden. I became a master of long flowing skirts, flirty long dresses & of course knee high boots & thick tights!
Summer 2020, I raided the Tupperwares of old clothes from my kids, grabbed a few pairs of old jeans my sons had outgrown, and chopped them into shorts. And then I started walking around my neighborhood. And I felt the breeze on my legs.
Oh, the joy – the breeze on my bare skin felt so amazing. I hadn’t walked around in public with my legs bare in decades.
And when people looked at me, I smiled back, inhibiting my desire to apologize for wearing shorts (hello conditioning)! One day it was raining.
It was fall 2020 and the realization that COVID wasn’t going anywhere soon was thrumming through the news, the social media outlets I followed, and the fact that I hadn’t seen my family in England for nearly a year (we usually go about 3 months). The human toll was sitting heavy with me. My family was struggling. But, I had committed to walking 11,000 steps a day.
And I decided to embody the energy of one of my most beloved friends Harri who has a quotation that she lives by:
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.
I put on shorts, and a rain jacket and danced around the streets of my neighborhood. Oh – and the response I got was so lovely – cars honking at me, people smiling at me. It felt like a good day.
What I now know is that for me there is a divine chemistry between how I dress and how I show up energetically.
When I am wavering in my emotional state, but am going into a space where I want to show up as myself, in all my glory – I like to be seen and am intentional in my dress. Summer 2023 I pushed that to the extreme by going to a big LGBTQIA+ summer gala event dressed as Madonna in her gold cone bra outfit era. And I rocked it.
TAMSIN AT 17 –––––––––––––––———––––––––––––––––––––––––TAMSIN AT 47As a young person, I would often dress in such extreme ways—green velvet tailcoat, top hat made from paisley print, striped leggings, Doc Martens or fishnet stockings, wedge-heeled platforms, flared denim A-line mini-skirt, an old shirt of my dad’s knotted at my waist—that my mum would ask me to walk 30 feet away from her because I looked so crazy.
And what is so funny about that is that I took it as a point of pride – like YES – I had so deeply created a look that made NO sense to her, but made deep sense to me and my energy body.
When I started getting on more stages as a speaker, I hired someone to help me sort out my clothes and figure out some key outfits for traveling as a speaker. My clothes fell into three silos: workout, mother of active kids, and wedding-funeral clothing, none of which I wanted to wear on stage! This required me to get over another mindset – that spending time and money and energy on how I looked was vain, not worthy, indulgent. I grew up in a home where my mum cut my hair, and I was encouraged not to wear make-up. That WHO I was on the inside was way more important than WHAT I looked like.
Traci did a few things that were really interesting.
First, she dug into my style, getting clarity on the fact that I was never going to be a black pantsuit with loafers kind of person!
Second, she did a skin tone analysis to tell me which were my color tones (super interesting – I had been doing a lot of that wrong).
Third, she told me that a lot of what I had been mostly wearing for the last few decades was wrong for my body shape (think leggings, long boxy tops, boots – hey I grew up in the 90s – that was a staple look)! She told me to wear things with small tight waists to emphasize my hourglass figure and told me to wear skirts/ shorts above the knee or at the ankle so my leg length was emphasized.
Since this wide-legged jean look has come back into fashion, I have tried on these jeans in all price ranges and kinds of stores because I LOVE how they look on people and I am nothing if not persistent. But every style/ brand/ leg length I have tried on looks the same. The widest part of my legs – my thighs – are exaggerated and I look crap.
In the past, this would have made me feel fat/annoyed/fill in the negative self-talk word.
Now, I revel in the fact that I don’t FIT into the current style. Why? Because style comes and goes, and I KNOW what suits me now.
And, because I know that the chemistry of what I wear with my energy is really what it’s about. So working on my energy is one of the most vital parts of this whole process.
I love my body.
I love how I dress.
And I know how it elevates what I do and how I show up in the world.
As the lyrics go in the 1967 song “White Rabbit” performed by Grace Slick and recorded by Jefferson Airplane – “Remember what the dormouse said – feed your head – feed your head.” Those lyrics may mean different things to different people and nothing at all to some. I interpret the meaning to be about the kinds of thoughts I feed my head: thoughts that may lead to certain triggers and thoughts about what beliefs I choose to create that may, in turn, shift my perspective, either positively or negatively.
What choice do I have at that intersecting moment where I can choose to react or respond? I could react to my triggers and say or do something I may later regret, or I can take a breath, walk away, and choose to put some space between myself and my response. It is a very simple process in theory, and yet, for most, not easy.
On July 5, 2023, my husband and I received the phone call that no parent ever wants to receive. Our 40-year-old amazing, loving son had been in a motorcycle accident and did not survive. A word does not exist to describe what it is like to lose a child. And one year later as we continue to navigate through our grief, I know one thing for certain.
Amid life’s experiences, we have choices. We can choose to be “bitter” or “better.” At our weakest moments, when we’re brought to our knees, we must set boundaries, and identify barriers, and triggers that mess with emotions and challenge beliefs.
Do we wait for the moment when we fall to our knees? No, we begin now.
Challenging beliefs, practicing compassion, communicating with clarity, being open to change, and practicing consistency with self and others is a good starting point.
Begin your life change now and transcend to the peace that is waiting for you in the eye of life’s stormiest moments.
Remember what the dormouse said – “Feed Your Head”. Think of what you’re feeding your head, and you may avoid the Rabbit Hole!!!
Grief changes shape, but it never ends.
~ Keanu Reeves
Have you ever felt trapped in a dark hallway of grief, torn between the pain of loss and the hope that lies beyond what you see? Having lost both parents, an older sister, several close friends, and my beloved dog in the past few years, I’ve discovered grief can feel like both a curse and a blessing simultaneously. It’s almost as if the universe is whispering, “Hey, you’re not alone in this…however, embarking on this journey through the valley of the shadow of death is necessary if you desire to maintain vitality, a sense of being alive, and connection to the wholeness that is your origin.”
Grief is an intensely personal journey and the journey never ends. With grace, our experience with grief will evolve. The crucial aspect is not to overpower or avoid grief, but to understand how to live alongside its presence. When someone we love makes their transition (including our pet), it leaves an emptiness that can feel unfillable. This void, however, is also a sacred space where we can hold the memory of that person or pet, allowing their essence to continue living within us.
One approach to coping with grief is to consider the process as a rite of passage that comes in waves. When we lose someone dear to us, it invites us to acknowledge and grieve the loss they represent—a loss that is unique and irreplaceable. We learn to value the role a person or pet played in our lives, recognizing their passing has forever changed us. This perspective can help us see how grief can tether us to that loved one in a boundless ocean of love, a connection surpassing physical presence. It is imperative to keep in mind that the sensation of isolation is purely a construct of our minds. In the grand continuum of life, we are all connected; there is only One of us here. The love and memories we shared with our lost ones are eternal. This belief can provide comfort and a sense of closeness, even in their physical absence. When grief arises, perceive its presence as a divine nudge—a reminder that our loved ones are as close to us as our own breath.
Grief is not one-dimensional; it’s about any significant change or loss that impacts us. It’s okay to grieve the loss of a lifestyle, a job, a home, or even a reputation.
By acknowledging these feelings, we can begin to heal and grow. Processing grief of any type involves engaging with life again, but with a deeper sense of purpose and meaning. Sometimes extending ourselves to others can bring instant relief and happiness. An act of service can help us find a new purpose and rediscover who we are. It’s a way to honor the memory of our loved ones by carrying their legacy forward.
It’s crucial to always remember the connection between grief and love as they both symbolize the depth of our connections. As we navigate through our grief, may we listen for the quiet voice declaring, “Hey, you’re not alone on this journey…”
Peace, Dennis Merritt Jones
Emily Hemendinger, University of Colorado Anschutz Medical Campus
Life coach, wellness coach, business coach, weight loss coach, breakup coach – the list goes on and on. All are different titles for similar jobs, with the same limitation: Anyone can claim to be an expert.
Health “coaching” alone is a US$7.6 billion market in the United States, linked to the wellness and lifestyle medicine industries, as well as social media influencer culture. With ongoing shortages of physicians and mental health workers, many Americans see coaches as a more personalized alternative to traditional physical and mental health care. Yet the profession is poorly regulated, which can make it a utopia for scammers; untrained people providing advice about health, psychology and nutrition; and, in some cases, cult-like behavior, such as a coach encouraging customers to cut ties with family and friends. And now that AI health coaching has entered the chat, these problems are likely to grow.
As a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in mental health and public health, I have observed coaching’s growing popularity and how patients’ interest appears to stem from a lack of affordable and accessible mental health care.
Coaches have the potential to fill a gap and work alongside therapists to assist clients. Many people seek coaching to help them make a big decision or hold them accountable for making progress toward a set goal – from launching a business to sticking to their wellness routines. Because the industry is unregulated, however, it’s important for people to understand its limits before using a coach’s services.
Why is coaching so popular?In broad terms, coaches assist someone in creating a plan for achieving specific goals – for example, making a change in their career, diet or relationships. It can be effective in helping people manage chronic conditions, such as diabetes, between doctors’ visits and to follow their treatment plan.
Amid COVID-19, physical and mental health care became more difficult to access, which may have contributed to coaching’s popularity. People who were already skeptical of the health care system have turned to coaches in hopes of one-on-one, specialized treatment.
Another contributing factor may be the rise of the gig economy, with coaching appealing to people wanting to be self-employed. Social media and the internet also have fueled coaching’s popularity by making it easier to research and receive health advice, regardless of whether that advice is accurate.
Is coaching therapy?The simple answer is no. While resembling therapy, coaching does not require licensing, credentialing or formal education. Practicing therapists, on the other hand, are required to be in good standing with the law, have years of training, are regulated by governing bodies and professional associations, and abide by licensing bodies’ guidelines to keep the client safe.
There’s a common stereotype that coaching is for “high-functioning” people and is oriented toward the future, while therapy is focused on the past and finding problems with people. As a licensed, practicing therapist, I think this could not be further from the truth. Therapists focus on helping a person process their past, focus on the present and work toward goals in the future. In my experience, I find that these falsities reinforce the stigma around mental health and keep people from getting appropriate help.
According to one academic study, 25% to 50% of people engaging with a life coach have mental health conditions that require a higher level of support. And even though many coaches are savvy in “therapy speak,” they often lack the training to recognize when the client’s needs are beyond what they should be providing.
Risks and regulationOne of the biggest concerns about coaching is that it lacks a central governing body to regulate and oversee members. The industry has taken some steps toward better oversight, and there is one established, accrediting body – the International Coaching Federation. It is not a requirement, however, for people identifying as coaches to join this organization. Certifications can be provided by anyone or any program, but training is not standardized.
This lack of regulation means anyone can provide coaching, including therapists who lost their licenses for unethical conduct. It has also led to social media coaches and influencers spreading misinformation and confusion about mental health conditions. This is concerning because nonlicensed providers, including coaches, are legally not allowed to diagnose mental health conditions, such as depression or anxiety, or provide treatment for them.
Another concern is coaching clients’ vulnerability to being scammed financially, mistreated or given dangerous advice, such as abusive child-rearing suggestions. Coaching clients do not have the legal rights that therapy clients have, such as patient confidentiality.
Finally, life coaching relies heavily on positive psychology, which focuses on personal strengths and positive traits for happiness – in short, to look on the bright side and not focus on the negatives. Since its founding, positive psychology has come under scrutiny for debunked scientific claims of the therapy’s success. And while this approach works for some, others find that it is too individualistic, not giving enough weight to how external issues such as systemic racism can play a role in mental health.
What to look forUltimately, each person’s needs are individual, and a life coach might be helpful. However, there are some considerations to keep in mind during an initial consult:
- What training does the coach have? What’s their background? I recommend looking into their education and licensing, as well as any titles or certificates that you find unfamiliar.
- Is someone telling you that they can cure you or that they have a product that can fix your problem – a meal plan, diet, coaching course, etc.?
- Do they have research and evidence, not just anecdotes, to back up the claims they are making? If something is being touted as “tested” or “proven,” make sure you ask about the data.
- Is the person touting their service as the “only” way to get better? Are they making unrealistic claims, such as being able to cure someone of their trauma symptoms in one month? A credible life coach is not going to promise to completely change your life or cure you.
- Is there a formal contract with the services provided clearly laid out? Does this contract discuss limitations of services provided? Is there clarity around fees and charges?
- Is the coach willing to be flexible about their approach? Do they become defensive when you ask questions?
Life coaching has the potential to be an evidenced-based, short-term practice, but potential clients need to carefully consider whether it is appropriate for them.
Emily Hemendinger, Assistant Professor of Psychiatry, University of Colorado Anschutz Medical Campus
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
Do you believe you live in a friendly world?Take a moment to truly consider this question. The answer you find within yourself might reveal more than you think.
What we put into the universe, the universe mirrors back to us. It’s an ancient truth, woven into the fabric of existence: the law of cause and effect. There is no escaping it; it is the constant companion of our actions and thoughts. This law serves as our greatest teacher when we falter in love or friendliness, gently guiding us back to our true nature. And, when we embrace kindness and compassion, it becomes our protection, shielding us with the same grace we extend to others.
Reflect on this: What I give to others, I receive.
This is not merely a poetic notion, but a principle deeply rooted in the way our lives unfold. When we choose to offer love, understanding, and friendliness to the world, the universe responds in kind, filling our lives with those very qualities. Conversely, when we allow negativity or indifference to color our interactions, we often find those same energies reflected back at us.
As you move through your day, consider the energy you’re sending out into the world. Are you creating a friendly world for yourself and others?
Remember, every thought, word, and action is a seed planted in the universe, one that will grow and return to you in time.
So, let’s choose to plant seeds of love, kindness, and friendliness. In doing so, we cultivate a life and a world that nurtures those same values in return.
As a mother of a teen on the spectrum and educator, I always thought about ways school experiences can be a little more inclusive for these children. While in the USA autistic children have individualized educational plans to help them function in the educational system, these plans are not sufficient and are only a fraction of what these children truly need. Many autistic children face some serious issues. They often struggle academically because they tend to learn well only if they are interested in something. Therefore, they do not perform well in rigid curricula. They also struggle socially because their ways of making friends and interacting are a little bit different from the ways mainstream children engage.
After I observed my child’s growth as an autistic individual for almost 18 years and saw their amazing, caring personality, as well as many talents, it is hard to accept the definition of autism from the National Institute of Mental Health as a condition that is mostly seen as a deficit. For instance, in making friends, the National Institute of Mental Health states: “Difficulties sharing in imaginative play or in making friends.”
I would like to challenge this statement. Many autistic children are very social and actively seek to make friends. That’s how my child has always been. Kalina was actively and persistently looking for friendships by trying to engage other children in conversations in the ways Kalina knew, which are an integral part of their condition – initiating conversations by sharing interests. Therefore, saying that such children have difficulties in making friends implies that there is something wrong with the way they make friends.
The results of such a deficit perspective can be devastating for these children. My child was misunderstood, and they often came home defeated because they were unsuccessful with making friends. Making friends in their own, unconventional ways was seen as strange and annoying by other children. In addition, these dry definitions and listings leave an impression that these children need to be changed, intervened, and improved to fit the so-called norm.
When I think at a deeper level, I clearly see that it is not autistic children who are lacking. I think the problem is someplace else. The problem is that the definition of autism is formed from a perspective of a deficit and comparison to the mainstream, non-autistic children. Therefore, this definition is lacking itself because it is one-sided, lacks multiple perspectives, and is limited. In fact, this definition contributes to the way non-autistic populations see these children – through a limited lens.
How can we change school and classroom communities to help everybody see a child who engages in a conversation in different ways as not weird but resourceful and accessing the repertoire of their possibilities and creativity to make new friends, even if these ways of making new friends seem to be nonlinear and unconventional?
As an educator who also is involved in animal-assisted education, I conclude that including therapy animals in responsible, innovative, and creative ways might hold the answer to these issues. I have engaged in animal-assisted education for 6 years. About 4 years ago, together with an amazing teacher, we began to innovate in this area, which led to several quite profound discoveries I describe in my book on this innovation.
One of these discoveries is that if we engage in innovative and yet quite simple activities, we have the potential not only to improve children’s academic performance in every subject, including math, but we can also dramatically help special needs children because the inclusion of therapy animals in intentional ways allows us to build a new type of classroom communities. In this new type of classroom community, all children share something in common – a love for their therapy animal. This phenomenon can be the base for authentic implementation of activities on kindness and other important qualities that will help children include everybody in the community, no matter how different they are from the so-called norm.
One of our innovative activities including my therapy dog is about kindness. We asked the children to describe how Carmel shows that she’s a kind dog. All the children in the classroom, even the shy ones, had a lot to say about how Carmel shows kindness. After these responses, we asked children to apply what they have learned from the way Carmel shows kindness to the way they can show kindness to their peers, parents, and siblings. We were surprised by how much children learned from this quite simple application.
I think that we can take this activity even further and build on it. As dogs show kindness in ways that differ from people because dogs can, for instance, sniff someone or lick, we can learn from dogs’ ways and point out to children that showing kindness or friendship does not have to be manifested in the same way.
Just like dogs can show kindness and friendship in different ways than children, not all children will show kindness and friendship in the same way, and that’s perfectly fine and even wonderful because these different ways can enrich us.
That’s what we need to teach children. For instance, while autistic children sometimes talk excessively about their interests, by teaching children that this is another way of making friends, we can truly contribute to creating inclusive communities in which everyone approaches others from the perspective of curiosity about how beautifully different we all are. That’s the big change we need in education and therapy animals can substantially contribute to this needed transformation.
The quality of our lives depends not on whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we respond to them.
— Thomas Crum
We all carry them — those uncomfortable moments frozen in time, waiting to be resolved. Perhaps it’s the promotion discussion with your boss that ended awkwardly, the inheritance dispute that’s created a chasm between siblings, or the misunderstanding with a business colleague or oldest friend that neither of you has addressed for years. These unresolved conflicts aren’t just memories; they’re active forces shaping our present choices, influencing our relationships, and sometimes even altering the paths we choose to walk. Like invisible threads, they pull us away from certain places, people, and possibilities, creating a web of avoidance that grows more complex with each passing day.
These lingering disagreements act like open browser tabs in our minds, constantly running in the background and consuming precious mental resources. They affect our sleep, influence our decisions, and even impact relationships that have nothing to do with the original conflict.
The cost of carrying these emotional burdens is far greater than the discomfort of addressing them head-on.
But here’s the truth: resolution doesn’t always mean getting your way. Sometimes, it means choosing peace over being right. It means understanding that your perspective, while valid, is just one side of a complex story. Resolution might look like sending that difficult text message, scheduling that overdue coffee meeting, or simply deciding to let go of something that no longer serves your highest good.
The first step is acknowledging these unresolved conflicts for what they are: opportunities for growth, not failures of character. Each one presents a chance to practice empathy, improve communication skills, and demonstrate emotional maturity. The key is to approach them with curiosity rather than judgment, asking “What can I learn from this?” instead of “Who’s to blame?”
Ready to lighten your emotional load? Take action today. Choose one unresolved conflict in your life and make a commitment to address it this week. Whether through a conversation, a letter, or a conscious decision to move forward, take that first step. Your future self will thank you for the gift of peace you’re about to give yourself.
Remember: Every moment spent harboring unresolved conflict is a moment stolen from your potential for joy. Isn’t it time you reclaimed those moments?
Editor’s Note: Enjoy our evolving Exploring Our Shared Humanity Series HERE
Dear ones, everything is energy. Nothing is fully separate and nothing is immovable. Change is happening within all things at all times. This change is not observable to the human eye but it can be recorded via sophisticated measuring and scanning devices. All things, including you, are meant to be in a constant state of change or becoming, therefore, the inner energetic landscape has a direct impact on your outer reality. The energy created by one affects the other and alters your experience as it interacts with other influences both positive and negative.
If you were to focus your energy on a particular intention with single-minded focus for a continued and intense period you would cause that energy to become as your focus demands
Let us explain, everything is energy in motion and everything is connected to all other things to some degree, therefore the energy shaped by one has the potential to affect everything it connects to. If you were to focus your energy on a particular intention with a single-minded focus for a continued and intense period you would cause that energy to become as your focus demands. When you concentrate on a result with unwavering determination you begin shifting or shaping the energy to become as you desire.
Those energetic pulses that were repeated for years (habits), were repeated often (beliefs), were reinforced with great emotion (either negative, trauma, or positive, celebration), and were passed down through the generations (traditions)
Your inner landscape is the sum total of your memorable experiences. Those energetic pulses that were repeated for years (habits), were repeated often (beliefs), were reinforced with great emotion (either negative, trauma, or positive, celebration), and were passed down through the generations (traditions). These are the experiences that become woven into your energetic field, they are high-impact and leave you feeling imprinted. These beliefs and experiences often go unquestioned if they are pleasant, non-obtrusive, and oft-repeated. An example of an unquestioned belief may be, “We like people who look like us (feeling of inclusivity and acceptance) and shun people who are different (feeling of exclusivity and superiority). You may not question this belief because you feel included and safe but holding this belief will alter your worldview and experiences.
Even though the energy isn’t desired, it’s still accepted because the victim believes no other choice exists. They see themselves as powerless, while the perpetrator is seen as powerful so they do not believe it’s possible to change what’s happening
Negative, painful, or abrupt traumatic experiences also leave an energetic impression. Acts of violence, abuse, and hatred may be tolerated because the victim is told they deserve this treatment, they’re being punished for their misdeeds, or because that’s the way it’s done in this house. Even though the energy isn’t desired, it’s still accepted because the victim believes no other choice exists. They see themselves as powerless, while the perpetrator is seen as powerful so they do not believe it’s possible to change what’s happening. Their inner landscape is one of resigned acceptance and their outer world reflects that belief.
You must be unwavering in your goal (new result desired), allow nothing to sway your mind (uninterrupted dedication to the desired result), you must become emotionally invested in the outcome (the emotional response moves the energy), and finally remember to ask for Divine support
No matter who you are, where you are, or what you may have done you are always a powerful creator. You can always change your inner landscape by changing your beliefs and that inner change will lead to an outer transformation. The change, though simple, is profound and will result in a change in your reality. However, this simple shift in energy takes time and effort. It requires, focus and the continued concentration of your energy, a connection to and alignment with your emotions as well as your agreement. You must be unwavering in your goal (new result desired), allow nothing to sway your mind (uninterrupted dedication to the desired result), you must become emotionally invested in the outcome (the emotional response moves the energy), and finally remember to ask for Divine support. Call upon your Divine connection to help you reshape the energy of your beliefs from stale and stagnant beliefs that no longer support you to vibrant, flowing energy that will create a foundation of strength from which you can expand.
Each experience must not become part of your energy without first being reviewed.
Life is about growth and growth comes from experiences that are internalized into belief systems, however, each experience must not become part of your energy without first being reviewed. Ask yourself, “Did this help me feel more expanded? Did it bring me joy? Do I want more of these experiences?” If so, allow the energy to become a belief and add more of the same energy until your reality reflects the joy you’re feeling within. If the experience was unwanted or unpleasant, ask yourself, “What was I thinking or feeling when I experienced this?” Now actively release those thoughts and feelings and immediately replace them with thoughts and feelings that bring you joy.
You are the creator of your life, you decide who and what can imprint their energy onto you. Begin learning to see yourself as a powerful being by taking the time to examine your current beliefs and decide which you want to keep and what needs to be released. As you evolve, your belief system should evolve as well and as your beliefs begin reflecting yourself as a powerful creator, your reality will change.
Shifting your inner landscape will not create immediate change but as you continue to feel those beliefs that are powerful, positive, uplifting, and motivating you will empower yourself, provide a strong foundation for growth and your outer reality will begin reflecting your new inner landscape of joy.
Episode DescriptionDaniel Packard – Full Liberation TechnologyDaniel is a U.C. Berkeley Mechanical Engineer and CEO of Permanent Anxiety Solutions who turned his painful battle with severe anxiety into a mission to innovate a permanent cure for anxiety. After 8 years and over a million dollars of research and testing (working with 3000 people on 5 continents) Daniel and his research team have succeeded in developing what he claims is the world’s only permanent anxiety solution online program with a 90% success rate, called Nervous System Reset.
The program has been so successful that the South African government asked to make Nervous System Reset a part of the national mental health curriculum. Daniel’s mission is to take a stand against the mental health industry, which in his view takes people’s money and doesn’t deliver permanent results.
Many of my coaching clients have recently shared their struggles with feeling tired, emotionally overwhelmed, and cognitively overloaded and are close to burnout. They attribute these issues to the pervasive and addictive nature of technology, exacerbated by the pandemic and divisive global conflicts, accelerating change, and the rise of AI and hybrid work. As a result, many have retreated and frozen into habitual, reactive ‘busyness.’ This affects their overall emotional, physical, and mental health and wellness, inhibits their ability to focus, create, invent, and innovate, and restricts their optimism, hope, and positivity about their future in an unstable and uncertain world. Coaching creates a unique opportunity to partner with people to develop their pause–power to identify the transformative actions to reverse this pervasive phenomenon.
What is pause-power?
A coaching session usually serves as a first step towards cultivating the pause power needed to stop, observe, reflect, and take valuable time out to rest, replenish, re-energise, and reboot. This allows people to courageously notice, attune to, and express their true feelings and thoughts, to disrupt, dispute, and deviate them to develop the pause-power required to heal and provide relief, hope, and optimism for a better future.
Everyone must cultivate intentional pause power to empower them to observe and understand their inner and outer worlds. This practice helps them remove distractions, stop multitasking, and break free from the ‘busyness’ that depletes their cognitive, emotional, and visceral resources, putting them in the driver’s seat of their mental and emotional well-being.
Self-reflection and reflective practice become potent tools, enabling people to move away from reactivity and short-term focus and towards taking the transformative actions to adapt, create, invent, and innovate.
Hitting your pause button
Being adaptive, creative, inventive, and innovative involves consciously taking your hands off the controls and encouraging yourself and others to notice and disrupt your habitual and addictive ‘busyness’ (time scarcity + task focus).
This awareness is the first step towards reclaiming your focus and attention so that you can engage with and interpret the modern world rather than try to control it or withdraw from it.
Being willing to take a break and hit the ‘pause button’ stops your continuous cycle of doing. It focuses your attention on breaking limiting beliefs or unresourceful patterns and provides a support structure for applying rigorous perception practices to our daily lives.
Using pause power to create a place, as recently described by Otto Scharmer from the Presencing Institute:
“Between action and non-action, there is a place. A portal into the unknown. But what are we each called to contribute to the vision of the emerging future? Perhaps these times are simply doorways into the heart of the storm, a necessary journey through the cycles of time required to create change”.
What does pause power involve?
A pause is created when you suspend activity, a time of temporary disengagement when you no longer move towards any goal. It can occur amid almost any activity and can last for an instant by taking a deep breath to get grounded, for minutes to become mindful or to take a rest, for hours to enjoy a well-deserved break, or for years to experience life in a different culture or place.
Intentionally pausing enables you to take time between your range of habitual, largely unconscious reactive responses; it helps our brain’s executive function utilise the valuable ‘empty spaces’ between stimulus and response and between different ideas. It creates a space open to options and choices for being, thinking and acting differently.
Doing this allows you to notice and disrupt unresourceful and habitual auto ‘stimulus-response’ default patterns, which usually occur when things go wrong, you make a mistake and fail, or you dive into blaming, shaming or avoiding others as part of our naturally wired defence mechanisms.
Radical acceptance
Learning to pause is one of the critical steps in innovation because it helps you initiate a practice of radical acceptance. This requires embracing uncertainty, or ‘what is’ truly happening in the present moment, relationship, or situation, by accepting things just as they are.
“During the moments of a pause, we become conscious of how the feeling that something is missing or wrong keeps us leaning into the future, on our way somewhere else. This gives us a fundamental choice in how we respond: We can continue our futile attempts at managing our experience or meet our vulnerability with the wisdom of Radical Acceptance”.
By being willing to dive into an ‘empty space’ from an emergent process, you can unleash possibilities, opportunities, options, and choices toward identifying the transformative actions that create your desired future.
People who can artfully and skillfully facilitate creative conversations that funnel pause power and co-create valuable ‘empty spaces’ to occur can generate our imagination and curiosity to manifest glorious moments of insights required to emerge creative ideas.
Pausing also enables you to observe, pay attention, notice, and regulate how your overall nervous system impacts and manages your brain’s functions. This is key to being practical, resourceful, healthy, and productive in the face of volatility, complexity, uncertainty, and accelerating change in our hyper-connected world.
It also needs rest to do this. By applying our pause power and giving ourselves some rest, we offer our bodies, hearts, and minds a chance to recharge, keep moving, and work towards taking the transformative actions required to build better workplaces and flourishing futures.
A valuable toolkit and habit
This skill is valuable for everyone to reflect upon, cultivate and master. It is initiated by intentionally stopping by hitting an invisible cognitive ‘pause button’ to observe, pay attention, notice your inner experience, and see yourself as the cause of it.
Developing pause power involves six simple vital steps and questions:
1.Retreat from reacting to the situation – by stepping back into the present moment or time to notice, be with, allow, accept (radical acceptance), and acknowledge ‘what is’ going on internally and externally, and be willing to name it with detachment and discernment.
- What is going on for me right now – how am I feeling about it?
2. Step up and out to disrupt yourself and create an opening, doorway, threshold, or empty space – to allow something new to emerge.
- What can I learn from this situation?
3. Step up and out to disrupt yourself and create an opening, doorway, threshold, or empty space – to allow something new to emerge.
– What can I learn from this situation?
4. Be willing to introduce and explore options and choices that allow you to deviate and refocus your attention on what really matters – taking a rest, having a holiday, completing a project, being a better person, getting a new job, or getting a promotion.
- What are some of my options for change?
5. Be inquisitive, curious, and open to reimagining, reinventing, and pivoting – an intention, mindset, behaviour, task, goal, or business focus to re-plenish, re-energise, re-engage and re-boot to mobilise yourself.
- How might I feel, think, or act differently to achieve my outcome?
6. Step out into the system’s edges – by being calm, hopeful and optimistic, to identify the transformative actions required to move towards and exploring new creative, inventive, and innovative solutions for providing value in ways people appreciate and cherish.
- What will I do next?
Engaging in a Looking Lab
As many of our ImagineNation community members know, I am currently writing a book on ‘Being Innovative.’ There is a whole chapter on developing pause power to help people engage what Christian Madsbjerg calls in his latest book “Look: How to Pay Attention in a Distracted World” (Riverhead Books) – a Looking Lab, to:
“Get away from your screens, turn off your notifications, go out into the wilds of reality, and look around. Let go of all filters—clichés, conventions, colour corrections, whatever they may be. Try to pay attention to the simple act of seeing.”
He reveals that “if we choose to look for them, there are invisible worlds all around us ready to reveal their magic. The seemingly mundane or average can appear extraordinary, but only if we take the time to notice and see it”.
This is a vital part of our remarkable human capacity to transform through the slow, patient act of observing, attending, noticing, replenishing, re-energising, re-engaging, and re-booting to take the transformative actions that will help you make the world a better place and achieve your 21st-century growth and success differently.
Humanity’s greatest strength lies not in our individual abilities, but in our collective compassion and shared purpose. In a world where you can be anything, be the spark that ignites positive change.
Being human is a gift, but maintaining our humanity is a deliberate choice. It’s not about personal gain or glory; it’s about the collective good. By serving others, we not only enrich their lives but also discover our own true purpose. As we navigate the tumultuous currents of the present, let us pause to reflect on our shared destiny. This moment, a crossroads in human history offers a unique opportunity to redefine our relationship with one another and the planet. Every act of compassion, every gesture of kindness, is a thread woven into the tapestry of a more harmonious world.
As we now celebrate the 13th anniversary of our 360° Nation journey (click image above) let us us choose to be the architects of a future filled with hope, where humanity shines brightest. It’s been a remarkable journey. And if there’s one thing we’ve learned, it is that together, we can create a legacy that will inspire generations to come.
It’s Time to do MORE GOODLet’s make every day a masterpiece. We have the power to ignite change, to spread kindness, and to create a world that inspires. Every small act of compassion, every selfless deed, ripples through our communities and beyond. So let’s choose kindness, embrace empathy, and strive to make a positive difference in the lives of others. Together, we can build a brighter future, one act of goodness, one positive ripple at a time. It all begins and ends with doing MORE …
- MORE Accountability: Personal accountability is a cornerstone of integrity and a mindset that empowers individuals to take ownership of their actions, choices, and subsequent consequences. It’s a commitment to being fully responsible for one’s behavior, recognizing that personal choices shape outcomes. Accountability isn’t a fleeting concept but a consistent, ongoing practice that defines how we engage with the world.
- MORE Action: Immediate and impactful action is a catalyst for change. The world is shaped by our collective perspectives, and by altering even slightly how we perceive reality, we can influence global transformation. Embracing a “do what you can, with what you have, where you are” mentality fosters a spirit of empowerment and drives positive outcomes. As St. Francis of Assisi reminds us, starting with the necessary and building upon it can lead to extraordinary achievements.
- MORE Activism: A connected, purpose-driven community can be a powerful force for positive change. When passionate individuals unite around a shared mission, they can overcome challenges and create a brighter future. By working together, we can illuminate areas of darkness, address pressing issues, and shape a world that reflects our values.
- MORE Appreciation: Gratitude is a choice within our control. There are countless ways to express appreciation, many of which require minimal effort or cost. The key lies in authenticity and finding methods that align with your personal style. By cultivating a mindset of gratitude, we can enrich our relationships and foster a more positive outlook.
- MORE Authenticity: Authenticity requires courage, vulnerability, and self-worth. It’s about embracing our imperfections, believing in our inherent value, and communicating openly and honestly. By being true to ourselves, we create genuine connections and build trust with others.
- MORE Citizenship: Citizenship is a shared responsibility. Our values guide our actions, shaping our character and ultimately influencing the course of history. By actively engaging in civic duties like voting and volunteering, we can contribute to a more just and equitable society. It’s time to revisit our founding principles and revitalize our commitment to them.
- MORE Commitment: Committing wholeheartedly to our dreams and goals is a powerful step toward achieving them. Whether it’s pursuing a creative endeavor, starting a business, or embarking on a personal journey, taking the time to prioritize and commit to our aspirations is crucial. By setting clear intentions and taking consistent action, we can turn our dreams into reality.
- MORE Compassion: In a world filled with sensationalism and negativity, compassion is essential. True compassion involves not only feeling empathy for others’ suffering but also taking action to alleviate it. By demonstrating care and concern for those facing challenges, we can create a more compassionate and supportive society.
- MORE Connection: Success is not achieved in isolation. Building meaningful connections and fostering a sense of community is vital for our well-being and personal growth. While we may be willing to offer help to others, it’s important to remember that we also need support. By surrounding ourselves with like-minded individuals, we can find encouragement, guidance, and a shared sense of purpose.
- MORE Consideration: Consideration, the act of thinking about others before ourselves, is a fundamental aspect of human connection. By approaching situations with empathy and understanding, we can foster a more compassionate and respectful society. Consideration encourages us to treat others with kindness and respect, recognizing their unique perspectives and experiences.
- MORE Courage: Our perception of the world is shaped by our personal narratives. These stories can influence how we see ourselves and our capabilities, determining whether we view challenges as obstacles or opportunities. By developing courage and embracing a growth mindset, we can overcome adversity and unlock our full potential.
- MORE Curiosity: Curiosity is a fundamental human trait that drives exploration and learning. When we are curious, we think critically, seek new perspectives, and find creative solutions. Curiosity fosters open-mindedness, empathy, and trust within relationships. By approaching the unknown with inquisitiveness rather than judgment, we can expand our understanding and create a more interconnected world.
- MORE Dignity: Dignity is an inherent human right that transcends our differences. It’s the recognition of our shared value and worth as individuals. By treating each other with respect, fairness, and understanding, we can create a world where everyone feels safe, valued, and empowered. Dignity has the potential to transform society, but only if we actively promote and uphold its principles.
- MORE Diversity: Diversity is not merely a collection of differences, but a rich tapestry woven from the unique threads of individual experiences and perspectives. It’s a source of strength, innovation, and resilience, enriching our communities and societies.
- MORE Emotional Intelligence: Self-awareness is the cornerstone of emotional intelligence. It requires courage to confront our inner biases, beliefs, and emotions, and to understand how they shape our interactions with others. By examining our past and present, we can gain valuable insights into our thought patterns and behaviors, enabling us to respond to challenges with greater empathy and understanding.
- MORE Empathy: Empathy is the bridge that connects us to humanity. It’s the ability to step into another person’s shoes, to see the world through their eyes, and to feel their pain and joy. By cultivating empathy, we can foster deeper connections with others, build more inclusive communities, and create a more compassionate world.
- MORE Encouragement: Encouragement, a simple yet powerful gesture, can significantly contribute to rediscovering our humanity. By offering words of support, praise, or belief, we uplift others and foster a more positive and empowering environment.
- MORE Faith: Faith is not merely a belief, but a choice to love, even in the face of adversity. It’s a source of strength, hope, and resilience, empowering us to overcome challenges and find meaning in life.
- MORE Flexibility: Flexibility, the ability to adapt and adjust to changing circumstances, is essential for fostering harmonious relationships. By being open-minded and willing to compromise, we can navigate challenges with grace and understanding. Flexibility encourages empathy, compassion, and a sense of respect for others.
- MORE Forgiveness: Forgiveness is a powerful act of healing that benefits not only the recipient but also the giver. It releases us from the burden of resentment and anger, allowing us to move forward with greater peace and compassion. Forgiveness is essential for building healthy relationships, promoting social harmony, and fostering a more peaceful world.
- MORE Friendliness: Friendliness, a simple yet powerful act, can significantly contribute to rediscovering our humanity. By approaching others with a smile, a kind word, or a helping hand, we create a more welcoming and inclusive environment. Friendliness fosters a sense of connection and belonging, reminding us of our shared humanity.
- MORE Generosity: Generosity, the act of giving freely and without expectation, is a fundamental expression of our humanity. By sharing our time, resources, or kindness with others, we foster a more compassionate and supportive society. Generosity encourages empathy, understanding, and a sense of interconnectedness, reminding us of our shared responsibility to care for one another.
- MORE Gratitude: Gratitude is a powerful antidote to negativity and a catalyst for happiness and well-being. It helps us to appreciate the blessings in our lives, large and small, and to cultivate a sense of contentment and fulfillment. By expressing gratitude, we can strengthen our relationships, improve our mental health, and create a more positive outlook on life.
- MORE Helpfulness: Helpfulness, the willingness to assist others, is a fundamental expression of our humanity. By offering a helping hand, a kind word, or a listening ear, we foster a more supportive and compassionate society. Helpfulness encourages empathy, understanding, and a sense of interconnectedness, reminding us of our shared responsibility to care for one another.
- MORE Hope: Hope is a beacon of light that guides us through life’s challenges. It’s a belief in the possibility of a better future, a source of motivation and resilience. By nurturing hope, we can overcome obstacles, find meaning in our lives, and contribute to a more positive and hopeful world.
- MORE Humility: Humility is the recognition that we are part of a larger community and that our own needs are not more important than those of others. It’s a quality that fosters empathy, compassion, and cooperation, and allows us to build stronger relationships and contribute more meaningfully to society.
- MORE Idealism: Idealism, the pursuit of high ideals and noble goals, is a fundamental aspect of the human spirit. By striving for a better world and envisioning positive change, we inspire ourselves and others to reach for our full potential.
- MORE Integrity: By prioritizing integrity in our interactions, we can foster a more compassionate and empathetic society. Integrity, rooted in honesty, authenticity, and ethical behavior, creates a foundation for trust and understanding. When we act with integrity, we acknowledge the inherent value and dignity of others, leading to more respectful and harmonious relationships.
- MORE Joyfulness: Joyfulness, a simple yet powerful emotion, can significantly contribute to rediscovering our humanity. By embracing joy and finding pleasure in life’s experiences, we foster a more positive and optimistic outlook. Joyfulness encourages empathy, compassion, and a sense of connection with others, reminding us of our shared capacity for happiness.
- MORE Kindness: Kindness is not a weakness but a strength. It’s a choice to treat others with compassion, respect, and understanding, even when it’s difficult. Kindness can have a profound impact on the lives of others, creating a more positive and supportive environment.
- MORE Listening: Listening is the silent force that transforms relationships and unlocks hidden depths of understanding. By truly hearing others, we open doors to empathy, wisdom, and connection that we never knew existed. When we quiet our own internal chatter and focus on absorbing the words, emotions, and experiences of those around us, we not only enrich our own lives but also create a ripple effect of compassion and insight that can change the world, one conversation at a time.
- MORE Loyalty: Loyalty, the unwavering commitment to individuals, relationships, or causes, is a cornerstone of human connection. By remaining steadfast in our support and dedication, we foster a sense of trust, reliability, and belonging. Loyalty encourages empathy, understanding, and a sense of shared purpose, reminding us of our interconnectedness.
- MORE Love: Love, the most fundamental and enduring human emotion, is essential for rediscovering our humanity. By embracing love in all its forms – compassion, kindness, empathy, and understanding – we create a more connected and harmonious world. Love encourages us to see the inherent value in others, fostering a sense of belonging and shared purpose.
- MORE Mattering: Human beings are inherently social creatures. Our well-being is deeply connected to our relationships with others. A sense of belonging and connection is essential for our happiness, fulfillment, and overall sense of self-worth. A small gesture, such as a handwritten note or a phone call, can have a profound impact on someone’s life. By letting others know that they are valued and appreciated, we can help to combat loneliness and isolation.
- MORE Observation (with Detachment): Detachment, in the context of human interaction, does not mean emotional distance or indifference. Rather, it refers to the ability to observe situations objectively, without becoming overly attached to our own thoughts, feelings, or judgments. This allows us to approach others with a sense of compassion and understanding. By observing the world around us with a detached perspective, we can gain a deeper understanding of human nature and the complexities of life. This can help us to see the bigger picture and make more informed decisions.
- MORE Optimism: Optimism, the belief in positive outcomes, is a powerful force for rediscovering our humanity. By maintaining a hopeful outlook, we foster resilience, perseverance, and a sense of possibility. Optimism encourages empathy, compassion, and a belief in the inherent goodness of others. By practicing optimism, we create a more positive and inspiring world, where individuals feel empowered and motivated to make a difference.
- MORE Patience: Patience, a virtue often overlooked in our fast-paced world, is essential for cultivating a more compassionate and understanding society. By practicing patience, we resist the urge to react impulsively and instead take the time to truly listen and empathize with others. This allows us to develop a deeper understanding of their perspectives and experiences, fostering empathy and compassion.
- MORE Perseverance: Perseverance is the ability to stay focused on our goals and continue to strive towards them, even in the face of adversity. It requires resilience, determination, and a belief in oneself. Perseverance is not just about enduring hardship; it’s also about taking consistent action and putting in the effort required to achieve our goals. It’s about staying committed to our dreams and vision, even when the path is difficult.
- MORE Purpose: Finding true purpose involves identifying our unique talents and passions, and then using them to make a positive impact on the world. It’s about aligning our actions with our values and contributing to something larger than ourselves. This equation suggests that our purpose is a combination of our Gifts, Passions, and Values. When we align these three elements, we can find a sense of meaning and fulfillment in our lives.
- MORE Reasoning: Reasoning is the ability to think critically, analyze information, and draw logical conclusions. It involves using evidence and logic to evaluate different perspectives and make informed decisions. In today’s information-rich world, it’s essential to develop critical thinking skills to distinguish between reliable sources and misinformation. By applying reasoning and logic, we can make informed judgments and avoid being swayed by false or misleading information.
- MORE Respect: Self-reflection is key to fostering respect. By examining our own actions and attitudes, we can identify areas where we may need to improve and strive to embody the values we hold dear. Respect is not just about being polite; it’s about actively demonstrating consideration and consideration for others. It involves treating others with dignity, kindness, and fairness.
- MORE Responsibility: Responsibility, the obligation to act in a way that is morally and ethically sound, is a cornerstone of human connection. By taking ownership of our actions and their consequences, we foster trust, reliability, and a sense of accountability.
- MORE Sanity: It’s important to acknowledge that human beings are complex creatures with a wide range of emotions and behaviors. We may not always act rationally or make the best decisions. To preserve our mental well-being, it’s essential to accept the reality of our circumstances, take proactive steps to improve our lives, and set realistic goals. By focusing on what we can control and practicing gratitude, we can maintain a healthy and balanced perspective.
- MORE Service: While it’s important to set personal goals and aspirations, it’s also valuable to consider how we can contribute to the well-being of others. By focusing on service and helping others, we can find greater meaning and fulfillment in our lives. When we adopt a mindset of service, we can create positive change in our communities and inspire others to do the same. By working together and supporting one another, we can build a more compassionate and equitable world.
- MORE Sustainability: Sustainability is about finding ways to meet our current needs while also protecting the environment and ensuring that future generations have the resources they need to thrive. It involves balancing economic growth, environmental protection, and social equity. These actions are just a few examples of how we can contribute to sustainability. By making small changes in our daily lives, we can reduce our environmental impact and create a more sustainable future for ourselves and future generations.
- MORE Tact: Tact, the ability to communicate effectively and sensitively, is essential for fostering harmonious relationships. By approaching situations with diplomacy and consideration, we can avoid causing offense or hurt feelings. Tact encourages empathy, understanding, and a sense of respect for others.
- MORE Temperance: Temperance, the practice of moderation and self-control, is essential for rediscovering our humanity. By cultivating temperance, we avoid excesses that can cloud our judgment and lead to harmful behaviors. Temperance allows us to maintain a balanced perspective, fostering empathy, compassion, and a sense of responsibility.
- MORE Trust: Trustworthiness is built on integrity and competence. It involves doing the right thing, even when it’s difficult, and also doing things well and with care. Building trust requires honesty, transparency, and the courage to act with integrity, even in challenging situations. By being reliable and dependable, we can foster strong and lasting relationships.
- MORE Understanding: Understanding, the ability to comprehend and appreciate the perspectives and experiences of others, is a cornerstone of human connection. By cultivating empathy and compassion, we can bridge divides and foster a more harmonious society. Understanding encourages us to treat others with respect and dignity, recognizing their unique qualities and contributions.
- MORE Uprooting of Racism & Inequality: Racism is a systemic issue that perpetuates inequality and discrimination based on race. It creates a false hierarchy of human values, suggesting that certain races are superior to others. To combat racism, we must confront all of its forms, including individual biases, institutional discrimination, and systemic inequalities. We must understand the harmful consequences of racism and actively work to dismantle it in our communities and within ourselves.
- MORE Virtue: Virtue is about possessing positive character traits, such as honesty, kindness, courage, and compassion. Virtuous individuals act according to ethical principles and strive to do the right thing, even when it’s difficult. Virtues are not innate; they must be developed and practiced over time. By cultivating virtues in ourselves and in others, we can create a more positive and ethical society.
- MORE Voices: Voices, the expressions of our thoughts, feelings, and experiences, are essential for rediscovering our humanity. By sharing our stories, perspectives, and concerns, we foster a more inclusive and understanding society. Voices encourage empathy, compassion, and a sense of connection, reminding us of our shared experiences and struggles. By valuing and amplifying diverse voices, we create a more equitable and just world, where individuals feel heard, understood, and appreciated.
- MORE Wonder: Wonder, the sense of awe and amazement, is a fundamental aspect of the human experience. By cultivating a sense of wonder, we embrace curiosity, openness, and a childlike sense of exploration. Wonder encourages empathy, compassion, and a connection to the natural world, reminding us of our place in the universe. By practicing wonder, we create a more vibrant and inspiring world, where individuals feel connected to something greater than themselves.
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What MORE Can We Do?Help us help you build the foundation for a better version of humanity. Of course, we can change the world by simply embracing the “butterfly effect” –the notion that a small change can make much bigger changes happen; one small incident can have a big impact on the future. …
So what more can we do together to rediscover our humanity and weave a tapestry of hope that will inspire future generations? We welcome your comments below.
Life has a way of presenting small moments that ripple through the years, moments we may not fully understand until much later. Have you ever experienced something so subtle, that you didn’t realize its impact until it resurfaced, reshaping your understanding?
These moments, though quiet at the time, can be powerful catalysts for change, and often, they lie dormant until we’re ready to recognize the lessons they hold.
As we navigate through life, we experience three significant learning phases:
The Imprint Period (Birth to 7 Years Old): This is the time when we absorb everything around us like sponges, forming ideas based on the behaviors and interactions we observe. For example, if you grow up in a family that values kindness, you’re likely to believe in the importance of being kind, without really questioning it.
The Modeling Period (7 to 14 Years Old): During this stage, we begin to mimic the behaviors and beliefs of people we admire, such as parents, teachers, or older siblings. If your older brother loves sports, you might adopt the same passion, even if it wasn’t your natural inclination.
The Socialization Period (14 to 21 Years Old): Here, you start to carve out your identity. You begin developing your own ideas and values based on your interactions with society and your peers. You might realize, for instance, that you prefer music to sports because that’s what your circle of friends is into.
It’s during these critical periods that we form not just our values but also our perspectives on mental health. This is also where we begin to encounter societal stigmas surrounding mental health, which can deeply influence how we view not only our emotional well-being but also the idea of seeking help.
Many of the opinions and beliefs we hold aren’t necessarily our own—they’re borrowed from the environment around us. The first step towards real growth is stepping back and questioning the origins of these beliefs.
Understanding Mental Health StigmaBefore we dive deeper, let’s clarify what stigma is and how it relates to mental health. Stigma refers to a set of negative and unfair beliefs that society holds about something—in this case, mental health. The stigma surrounding mental health manifests in many damaging ways:
- Discrimination: People may face unequal treatment due to their mental illness, ranging from subtle to overt actions.
- Self-Stigma: Individuals may internalize negative attitudes about their own condition, leading to shame and self-doubt.
- Fear of Treatment: Stigma can prevent people from seeking help due to the fear of being judged.
- Bullying and Harassment: Stigma can lead to bullying, violence, and isolation.
- Beliefs About Capability: Individuals might believe they are incapable of overcoming challenges because of their mental illness.
- Structural Stigma: This refers to policies and systems, such as inadequate health insurance coverage, that limit opportunities for those struggling with mental illness.
- Social Isolation: Stigma often pushes people into isolation, leading to issues like poverty and unemployment.
The Night a Bag of Shredded Cabbage Changed My LifeLet me introduce myself. My name is Jason Jurado, and I run One Path, where I help people navigate their mental health journeys. I assist others in clearing away the emotional baggage that holds them back from fulfilling their life’s purpose. But on the night of this story, I was just a 7-year-old boy, about to witness my first encounter with mental illness—and it was far from what I expected.
I grew up with my older brother and my mother, who raised us on her own after my parents divorced when I was just two. My father was in the picture, but as was common in those days, we spent most of our time with Mom. She worked hard to provide for us, and though we were rambunctious, she kept it all together with quiet strength.
But there was more going on beneath the surface. Looking back, I realize she was what I call a “silent sufferer.” She carried the weight of the world on her shoulders without asking for help, a mindset that was typical for her generation—especially in small-town Tracy, California, during the 1970s. Mental health care wasn’t something people discussed, much less sought out. In our world, people just “dealt with it.”
One evening, my mom came home from work with bags of groceries, struggling to carry them inside as my brother and I, being kids, didn’t offer any help. As she walked into the house, one of the bags broke, and groceries spilled across the living room floor. We found it funny, and my brother made some offhand comment, probably meant to be snarky. Among the fallen items was a small bag of shredded cabbage.
Already teetering on the edge, my mom quietly picked up the cabbage and “bonked” my brother on the head. She said something in her usual understated way, telling him to behave. My brother and I erupted in laughter—Mom had never been one to discipline us physically, so this was absurd to us.
But then everything shifted.
She had reached her limit. The laughter from us, the endless struggle, the weight of her life—it all crashed down on her. In that moment, she had what I would later come to understand was a mental breakdown.
I can still see the look on her face as emotions flooded over her. She rushed out the door, leaving it wide open, jumped into her car, and sped off. My brother and I stood frozen, unsure of what to do. We eventually gathered ourselves, put the groceries away, and sat in silence, waiting.
After what felt like an eternity, she came back. She didn’t say a word. She walked straight to her bedroom, leaving my brother and me to wonder what had just happened.
In that instant, my world changed. Watching my mother, the woman who had always seemed so strong and composed, break down like that showed me the cracks in her armor. But more importantly, it taught me that the stigma surrounding mental health could be devastating, especially when it prevents people from seeking the help they desperately need.
A Call to ActionThat moment, with my mom and the bag of cabbage, made me realize that no one should suffer in silence. It fueled my commitment to breaking down the stigma surrounding mental health so others can access the support they need without fear or shame. We must have these conversations with our loved ones, encouraging openness and support.
Let’s ensure that no one reaches the point my mother did—feeling like running away was her only option.
Shame is an assessment of a person that is much lower than they consider themselves, and which they thus cannot agree with. That is, someone else evaluates the person in a way that is lower than the person considers themselves, and it causes a blow to that person’s sensation of their “self.”
They are then ashamed that they received this message from their surroundings. It does not have the same impact if they reach the same conclusion by themselves. If the evaluation is not under the power of others, then they usually forget about it.
Shame is a very heavy state that emerges in order to bring about changes in people. At the end of the day, we need to change, to do something in order to bring us out of our hiding places. When we understand this need to change as a result of a revelation of shame, and we somewhat aim ourselves in such a direction, then we undergo a certain correction.
Since we do not want to change by nature, we can then end up hating people who shame us. There were such times when people who brought shame to certain people were killed. If we do not use shame as a means for self-transformation, then we are simply ready to annihilate those who awaken these negative feelings.
Shame also marks a certain level of human development. People who feel no shame are undeveloped. However, we each have a threshold of shame where if we are pushed beyond our respective thresholds, we can no longer agree to it.
Shame is an essential part of our being such that our main concern is to cover ourselves from shame. In the Bible, it is written that when Adam and Eve “realized they were naked, then they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves” (Genesis 3:7). That is, when the feeling of shame first appeared, people felt naked, uncovered, which was a very difficult revelation.
The revelation of shame was the first social problem that manifested where people had such inclinations that they could not be proud of, but rather that they were ashamed of. They thus covered themselves. What happens when we cover ourselves? No one then knows or understands what we truly represent and what we hide.
Therefore, in early times, people covered themselves materially with clothes, and over time, these clothes turned into an element of pride. People started adorning their clothes with gold and couturiers appeared. Clothes became not just covers of shame, but on the contrary, demonstrations of wealth and social status. It is a natural inversion because we cover what needs to be covered with what strikes other people’s eyes. We then relate to clothes not simply as covers, but as expressions of how people wish to reveal themselves to others. We do so in order to eliminate any possibilities for others to somehow belittle us.
The natural human experience of grief so often gets stifled. How can we allow ourselves to grieve life’s many losses, in ways that help us grow in health and happiness? In this video, Jenny Elinora shares her creative exploration into Grief + Joy.
Editor’s Note: Enjoy all of the ConverSessions by the best Orators on the planet by clicking here; insteadTALKS 360° ORATOR SHOWCASE
Friends, a title given to many and earned by few.
Many will come and go, change over time, use you for a purpose, and sadly, hurt you.
But in between those disappoints, there will always be the rare few who are truly a friend, they remain by your side through life’s up and downs, forgive you when you are an arse, help you up when you fall, sit with you in non-judgemental compassion, not being able to stop your pain but staying there all the same so you do not carry it alone and create genuine moments of joy, of laughter and of love, that last a lifetime.
And these are the people that matter. Genuine, authentic friends that see the genuine authentic you, with no hidden agenda or self-serving demands.
But sadly it’s often the friends that are not really friends that take our time and energy, that lead us to question ourselves, change to fit in, and generally feel a bit sh*t.
And despite our best intentions, we have all had them haven’t we?
The friend that gushes when they see you, tells you how much they love you, reminds you of how much you have shared, and says you must make time for one another and yet when you reach out to make that time, they are always too busy as their life that has no room for you. And then you randomly bump into them again and their gushing starts again and it’s just so sh*t because you know it’s just not true.
The friend who contacts you when you can serve a purpose, tells you how much they appreciate you, talks incessantly about their life, their woes, forgets to ask about yours or when they do, obviously gets bored before you have had a chance to talk and then despite promising that dinner that you really must have as it’s been so long, goes silent until the next time they need you.
The friend who you see regularly through interests or work. You share your worlds, always so much to talk about, and you check in on one other, you can never imagine it not being like that until that shared interest, place, or thing is removed and all of a sudden you are not so interesting to them and the time you always thought you would spend together is somehow no longer available and eventually you just get sick of asking because you know there will always be an excuse.
The friends who you bond with over a shared time of life, you face the same challenges, you come from a similar background, and they make your world feel safer, less alone, a comrade in arms. Until they are not as their social aspirations begin to bear fruition and you find yourself left off the guest list for important celebrations, an oversight you think until it happens so many times you realise you are not an oversight, but the sight not required in their world anymore.
And yes all of this hurts far more than it should because they were never really friends no matter how much they tried to convince you otherwise, so this is a reminder to celebrate our rare and authentic friends and to let the others go because life really is just too short.
With love
Nik x
We live in a world that tells us to do our best while at the same time telling us our best is not good enough! This is a struggle for many of us. It is a conundrum for the perfectionist. Tune in as Jim gives us a new take on responding to perfectionism and helping ourselves and others who struggle with it.
An insteadTalk is 15 minutes talk followed by 30 minutes of real conversation. Please check out my insteadTalk. Then, please click this link to discover more incredible messages from thinking minds. Real talk! Real conversation!
Homelessness is the space between the place where you once lived and the place where you will live again. It is the place of dislocation, transition, waiting …
~Lucy, a woman who was once homeless
What does homelessness look like, and who does it affect? Martha Stone, the executive director of a 96-bed homeless shelter, shares the stories of a few residents of the shelter, and shares how we can all end the cycle of homelessness in our communities.
Editor’s Note: Homelessness is a complex and pressing issue affecting millions of people worldwide. It is a condition that is often misunderstood and stigmatized and is often seen as a personal failing rather than a systemic problem. We listened, gathered their stories, and crafted them into our special edition anthology book below, with all profits donated to nonprofits serving this unfortunate population. Help us help them by grabbing your copy HERE.
It was a dark, cold night. Sarah was returning from a Christmas party with her two kids. The roads were slippery due to the snow, but she did not care much and continued driving fast. When she saw the signal light turn yellow, she accelerated her speed to pass through the signal before it turned red, but unfortunately, she collided with another speeding truck. She and her two kids were severely injured. It took her six months to recover entirely physically, but the trauma of that accident severely affected her mental health. Before that accident, she used to enjoy long drives, but after the accident, the thought of driving a car triggered panic attacks. Anybody can experience a traumatic experience in life. Trauma is an emotional response to a distressing event, such as the death of a loved one, rape, violence, natural disaster, etc.
It is important to note that any experience that may sound traumatic for one person may not be traumatic for another.
For example, Michelle had a traumatic experience when she fell off the swing. The embarrassment of falling off the swing in front of her classmates was so traumatic that after that incident, she suffered from neck pain for years until she went through hypnosis to heal from that traumatic experience.
Valerie Candela Brower, a licensed professional counselor, defined Trauma as “when too much happens too soon for the nervous system to process.” Candela Brower explained further. “It’s like eating a big meal and not fully digesting it, but then eating another big meal, and then another. The body does not digest what has happened, and instead, we stuff our feelings, numb out, or deny reality.”
Throughout a lifetime, it’s common to be exposed to a traumatic event, whether it is a violent act, a serious injury, sexual abuse, or other shocking event. It can take a while to get over the pain and feel safe again when bad things happen. Emotional and psychological trauma is the result of extraordinarily stressful events that shatter your sense of security, making you feel helpless in a dangerous world. Psychological trauma can leave you struggling with upsetting emotions, memories, and anxiety that won’t go away. It can also leave you feeling numb, disconnected, and unable to trust other people.
Usually, these symptoms get better with time. But for some people, more intense symptoms linger or interfere with their daily lives and do not go away on their own. Most of the time, people are stuck with their past memories and shame. These thoughts /feelings of embarrassment are internalized and become an integral part of your self-talk. Our brain holds on to these memories as if they are still true in the present. For example, when Sarah tries to drive a car, her mind replays the memories from the accident, which triggers a panic attack.
What to do to stay in controlThese memories of the traumatic experience can be harrowing and demoralizing, but the good news is that they can be controlled. Healing from trauma is not easy, and it gets trickier as everyone reacts to trauma in different ways, experiencing a wide range of physical and emotional reactions. Following are a few tips to help you heal from trauma.
Focus on Physical/body reactionsTrauma disrupts your body’s natural balance, freezing you in a state of hyperarousal and fear. The traumatic memories can live in your mind and body, creating continuous havoc. Working on releasing the stress caused by these memories may help you break free from traumatic memories of that event. Whenever you start feeling fear, overwhelming anxiety, or experiencing the onset of panic, try focusing on your body’s reaction. The bodily responses are mostly similar in several experiences, such as the body reacting the same way when you feel nervous or excited. It all depends on how you label these experiences and; makes you feel the emotions at that time. If any particular event triggers the memories of the past traumatic event, focus on bodily reaction and try to change the label of the feeling. If you are feeling fear, tell yourself that you are experiencing the thrill at the moment, as experiencing fear is similar to experiencing the thrill. This is the reason why people love roller-coasters, haunted houses, and horror movies. Once you take charge of your emotions, try to take deep breaths. Start relaxing your body. Body scan meditation may help you relax your body.
Here’s how to practice body scanning meditation:
- Try to get into a comfortable seated position. Close your eyes.
- Focus on your lower body and consciously feel that it is getting completely relaxed. Notice how your feet feel on the floor. Slowly, move your attention to your ankles, knees, thighs, and then pelvis. Identify temperature, pressure, tension, and any other sensations as you move up your body.
- When you feel any tension, take a deep breath and exhale as you release it.
- When you feel the body part relax, you can move to the next one and repeat the same.
- Finally, end by focusing on your neck, head, and face. By then, your body should be completely relaxed.
Remind yourself that you are safeIn your brain, the thoughts from traumatic experiences remain active, and your mind perceives them as if it is happening in the current moment. Reminding yourself that “It’s over can help you to deal with it effectively. When these traumatic thoughts start haunting you, repeat to yourself, ‘I am safe’, ‘it’s over’.
GroundingGrounding exercises can help you anchor yourself to the present moment. This could help you take your mind off past events that are causing you distress. Grounding may be particularly helpful if you’re experiencing flashbacks, anxiety, and dissociation symptoms.
Here are a few grounding techniques to try at home:
Run water over your hands. Start by running water over your hands. Focus on the temperature and its sensations on each part of your hand, from your wrist to your nails.
Move your body in ways that feel most comfortable to you. This can include jumping up and down, dancing, jogging in place, or stretching. As you move, focus on how your body feels.
Try to feel the sensations from all five senses. Focus on your current sensations, such as room temperature, your breathing, and your surroundings. Feel the taste in your mouth, the smell at the moment.
Resourcing and visualizationDuring time of distress, it may help you to resource your past memories that made you feel good. Resourcing and visualization simply mean tuning into specific body sensations that may be the opposite of what you’re experiencing at the moment.
Some of the simple ways to practice resourcing and visualization
- Create a safe place in your mind. Go back to a time and place when you felt safe and happy, for example a walk on a sea shore. Or you could create an imaginary new safe place that you haven’t experienced yet. Feel your body there and focus on how comfortable you feel.
- Think about people you love and focus on the way it makes you feel. You could start by looking at photos of them or focusing on specific memories you share.
It is not easy to deal with the trauma alone. It is highly recommended to take help from a trained therapist. Just remember, Trauma is not your fault but, healing from trauma is your responsibility.
References:
- https://psychcentral.com/lib/somatic-therapy-exercises-for-trauma
- https://www.sunshineclinic.org/blog/emotional-and-psychological-trauma-what-is-it-and-how-to-heal/
- https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/coping-with-emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm
- https://www.verywellmind.com/10-ways-to-heal-from-trauma-5206940
- https://www.nm.org/healthbeat/healthy-tips/emotional-health/5-things-you-never-knew-about-fear
Worry is like a sneaky burglar. It stealthily moves through the deepest and darkest corners of our mind and steals the joy and optimism from our tomorrow long before we even get there.
~ When Fear Speaks…Listen, pg. 45
Warning! Answering the following question may reveal your age, but do you remember the catchphrase Mad Magazine’s icon, Alfred E. Newman, had posted under his cartoon image on the cover? “What, Me Worry” was his motto. There he was, with a simpleton’s “Howdy Doody” wooden smile inviting us all to consider the fruitlessness of worrying about, well, anything. I must confess, as an eight-year-old kid reading Mad Magazine, I never understood Alfred’s motto.
I was so deeply entrenched in worry that I didn’t even recognize it as a choice. But then I grew up and got it: Worry had already insidiously seeped between the cracks and crevices of my mind, but as a conscious, mature, self-aware adult I learned I could opt out of the worry habit at anytime. Alfred E. Newman was a genius! His motto was an admonishment warning us to be mindful of the worry habit because it’s seductive; it’s so addictive everybody’s doing it! I don’t know about you, but sometimes life serves me up a big steaming heaping-helping of “things” that tempt me to enter through the portal of tomorrow where worry lingers—where I have not even a modicum of control.
While Worry Can Become An Addiction There’s a Cure!Managing the habit of worry is essential for leading a balanced and peaceful life. Following are a few practices we can use to transcend the worry habit:
- As featured in my latest book, When Fear Speaks…Listen, one effective way to handle worry is by adopting the mindfulness practice of living in “day-tight compartments”—focusing on the present without letting the uncertainties of tomorrow or yesterday seep in. I learned this concept from my mother: Now, I KNOW she never read Mad Magazine, but her philosophy aligned seamlessly with Alfred E. Newman’s: Mom would say, “Don’t borrow trouble from tomorrow, son.”
- Awareness matters because it leads to choice. A helpful metaphor used to illustrate this idea is the watchmen in ancient cities staying vigilant from high towers to ensure the wellbeing of citizens. Similarly, by elevating our awareness to the present moment and observing our worries, we can see them as they approach the gates of our mind and prevent them from overwhelming us. With awareness, we can discern the difference between the worries we have the power to mitigate, challenge and change—and those we don’
POINT: If we can change that which we are worried about, then it is ours to do. If we can’t change it, then we can move into a mindful acceptance of “what is” by seeing it through the lens of a new perception. As an example, it’s one thing to receive a medical prognosis (possibility) from our doctor and it’s quite another to obsess over it and allow it to suck us out of the present moment, which is all any of us possess. The same could be said about the pending Presidential elections; let us focus on that which we can do something about and then do it. Rather than worry, choose to vote and get involved, but don’t get sucked into the vortex of mindless worry. Dragging our worries out of the shadows of tomorrow and exposing them to the light of the present moment diminishes their power over us.
- Another approach involves faith in a Power greater than oneself and staying grounded in the present moment, which is the only space in time It exists. Reframing our worries by infusing the awareness of our oneness with that Power helps to reduce the mental burden. Emphasizing positive affirmations like “Today, I make a conscious decision to live in oneness with my Creator can reinforce this mindset.
- Practical tools can also help manage worry. For example, the simple practice of using a rubber band on our wrist to snap whenever we catch ourselves engaging in negative self-talk, such as saying “I can’” This simple action brings our awareness back to more empowering choices, enabling us to step into our authentic power.
THE TAKE AWAY: Managing the worry habit involves a combination of mindfulness, staying present, positive perspectives, and sometimes, small practical tools to reinforce our commitment to a worry-free life. But, somehow, I suspect Alfred E. Newman already knew that. Try making Alfred’s motto “What, me worry?” your mantra for a day or two. It may put a smile on your face that will have other people wondering just what you know that they don’t.
Peace, Dennis Merritt Jones
Grace is the light that illuminates our imperfections, the balm that soothes our wounds, and the bridge that connects us to our shared humanity. In its giving and receiving, we find our truest selves.
Grace, often misunderstood as a static trait, is a dynamic force flowing through our lives in three interconnected streams: earning, giving, and receiving. This trinity of grace, when coupled with situational magnanimity, can profoundly enrich our daily experiences.
Earning grace involves cultivating kindness and understanding within ourselves. It’s about refining our character through small, consistent acts of empathy. Situational magnanimity enhances this process, encouraging us to be attuned to the specific needs of those around us and go beyond what’s expected.
Giving grace is perhaps the most visible aspect. It’s extending forgiveness, offering the benefit of the doubt, or providing second chances. It requires strength and vulnerability, asking us to set aside our ego and recognize our shared humanity. Situational magnanimity here prompts us to consider the broader context of a person’s actions, allowing for more authentic and generous grace-giving.
Receiving grace can be challenging in a world that often equates vulnerability with weakness. It requires courage to acknowledge our imperfections and accept support from others. Situational magnanimity helps us recognize and appreciate the extraordinary efforts others make on our behalf, fostering genuine gratitude.
The interplay between grace and situational magnanimity creates a powerful synergy. While grace provides the framework for how we interact with the world, situational magnanimity offers the contextual wisdom to apply grace most effectively. It’s the difference between a blanket policy of kindness and a nuanced approach considering each situation’s unique circumstances.
As we navigate life’s complexities, cultivating grace in all its forms while practicing situational magnanimity offers a path to a more fulfilling existence. It invites us to see the best in others and ourselves, to forgive freely, and to accept kindness with an open heart.
I do not understand the mystery of grace – only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.
– Anne Lamott
This guided meditation will open, clear, and connect all of your energy centers leaving you uplifted and energized. We take a deep breath in before each 2-minute focus on each chakra from the base to the crown.
How interesting that most of us start life as toddlers singing the song “If You’re Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands.” “If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re happy and you know it and you really want to show it, if you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands.” We were not taught to sing about other kinds of feelings. “If you’re gloomy and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re angry and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re fearful and you know it, and you really want to show it, if you’re fearful and you know it, clap your hands.”
Years ago I had a client, Clare, who was a great mother. She had two young girls who were almost teenagers, and they did many projects and went on many outings together. She came to see me because she was starting to worry that something was wrong with her because when she was in the kitchen with her girls, she became an entirely different personality. In all other areas, she was lighthearted, fun, and open, but in the kitchen with her kids, she would yell at them as they were making muffins and often hurt their feelings.
I closed my eyes and could see an image of her mother with her in the kitchen. I could see little Clare being so heartbroken because her mom was being so mean to her in the kitchen. I looked at her and said, “This is how your mom treated you. When you forgive your mom and yourself, when you feel the feelings of the little girl within you, you willbe free from the need to continue to repeat this pattern.”
She woke up just from this one conversation and went home and worked on her pattern. Since then, she has been free and has lived like an eagle, no longer distracted by feelings that were truly not hers.
We often do this in our lives and we are so asleep to it. We carry energies we adopted from our parents or other big people when we were little, and we relive them over and over until we are willing to have an insight (“IN sight”) about them. We must be willing to feel the feelings and then acknowledge the feelings so the reality can change. Once the dynamic is brought to the surface, we will be free of it forever.
“Tonight? I thought I’d have a few more weeks!”
“I gave you 52 of them a year ago, what did you do with them?”
“I…uh…I never imagined you’d arrive while I was watching Better Call Saul!”
“I arrive when I arrive. People meet me when they’re doing ordinary things: Eating lunch, standing at an ATM, stopped on the freeway, at PTA meetings. Why the surprise?”
“Damn, I just…man this is inconvenient.”
“Look, the percentage of humans who die is holding steady at 100%. Been that way since forever. Despite your modern medicine, your inroads against bugs, blight, and bad stuff like COVID — man have I been busy the last few years, yikes! —despite your social, nutritional, and environmental progress you’ll all die, you just don’t know how or when. Why do you all act like you’re guaranteed tomorrow?”
“You’re a real SOB, you know that?”
“I’ve been called worse. Here’s a piece of advice. Consider me the greatest teacher that never lived.”
“Greatest…teacher? Wait…what?”
“That’s right. Here’s my first lesson. If you lived every day expecting me to drop by that night, you’d use every second better. You’d quit whining about the driver in front of you, the screaming kid in the grocery aisle, the cost of gasoline for Pete’s sake. What’s the first thing you said when you saw me? ‘I’m watching Better Call Paul!’
“It’s Saul, and a pretty decent show.”
“Better than hugging your kids goodnight? Telling your spouse you love them? Walking the Camino? Here’s one that really amuses me. You think because you eat right, exercise, watch your weight, drink diet Pepsi, you’re entitled to your three score and ten? You’re not entitled to anything. I come for ten-year-olds, school teachers, infants, college grads on their big day. I show up at all hours, any day, for all ages, genders, you name it. I came for a Cubs fan in ‘16, bottom of the ninth, score tied six apiece in Cleveland, right before the Cubs won it all, first time since ‘08! If it’s your time, the clock’s gonna stop, my friend.”
“God, you’re ruthless. Look, I feel fine, I eat right, I stopped with the booze and smokes years ago…”
“So your people are still around? Living forever? I seem to remember coming for your grandfather at sixty-two. He was spending an evening canoodling with his…”
“So, gramps had a zipper problem, like a lot of guys…”
“And I’m supposed to wait while he zips up?”
“No, it just seems to be in our DNA or something.”
“As soon as you humans are born, DNA means Death Now Awaits. Come with me, it’s time.”
“Please? Just an hour? Text my kids I love ‘em? Warn my boss?”
“Nope, I got rounds to make. By the way, your boss? Next Tuesday at 7:30. That new place called Sergio’s down by the river.”
“Marian? But she’s the picture of…”
“Sad, really. The Heimlich usually works, but…One minute eating her shrimp scampi, next minute poof! At 57 she belongs to the ages. See, we used to give you humans a bit of wiggle room thinking you’d clean up your act. We thought other people would notice, and clean up theirs, too.”
“It didn’t work?”
“Back to their oblivious behavior inside of five minutes, so we canceled that program. Come with me, I’ve got more of you humans waiting for me.”
“We’re all waiting for you.”
“And acting like I’ll never come. Greatest teacher who never lived, remember? Let’s go. No need to clean the erasers or empty the trash.”
This world goes quicker than most of us can handle. We can’t take a few days off work without being overwhelmed by our inbox never mind the inability to contain it if we went on any sort of significant leave. In fact, many of my clients have even After two decades of supporting families through grief, loss and change the one piece of advice I use most often is to go slow.
It is without question the first action step in making or experiencing big change and while we could go down the path of intellectualizing this radical idea, the absolute best proof that this truly is good for your body mind and spirit is trying it out.
BODY SLOWNESS
Try intentionally walking at a slightly slower pace, maybe brush your teeth for the full cycle (until the beeping tells you to stop), stretch before you get out of bed. take a moment where the soles of your feet feel the ground, pet the dog for just a little longer. All of these small acts of slowing your body down not only provides you with some breathing space physically but mentally and spiritually as well. It means you are absorbing more around you, that you are being intentional about the way you are being in the world.
When you are going through big experiences, we often find ourselves getting lost in the busyness and the hustling and then wonder why we are exhausted. We insist on still hitting our step goals, our intermittent fasting regime or even our social schedules. Then we crash and burn and wonder why.
By introducing a sense of slowness in the way we move, we are in fact, reserving energy for what we are experiencing and cultivated a sense of care not only for ourselves but for those around us.
No one wants to feel like they are a burden or that you only showed up because you felt you had too.
When I am going through a big change or experience, I tie a string around my wrist with a small little bell on it. When the bell tinkles, I am reminded to slow down. It often means I am a minute or two late for casual meetings, or when others are delayed I am grateful for the space.
MENTAL SLOWNESS
There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying “I would like to think more on this, can I get back to you?” yet so very often this world requires us to have instant brilliance and solutions. And when things then go sideways, we often find ourselves saying things like “Well, hindsight is 20/20”. I challenge the idea that you could have only seen a better solution having gone through it, you actually could have come up with a better solution if you gave into the “let’s sleep on it” mentality.
As someone who spends much of their time supporting people through grief, loss and change. You can imagine the number of “crisis calls” or late night emergencies I receive. Of course, I respond with the importance of meeting people where they are but very often the calls come down to this simple statement “Go Slow. Rest as best you can and let’s regroup in the morning to come up with a plan.”
A client of mine often states that she just needs to have “a nap about it.” A metal settling of sorts puts some distance between us and the urgency of a problem and often quelches the urgency feeling with the desire for an action plan.
This healthy boundary is so very important in a fast paced world. It cultivates not only space for us to think through the consequences of our decisions but also allows us to fill our cup before pouring it all over.
SPIRITUAL SLOWNESS
Spiritual slowness is one of those things that on the surface feels quite natural to us. The idea that spirituality is a practice that is cultivated and shaped over a lifetime.
That is hasn’t got one big goal other than to feel connected, be a good person or in some cases connects us to a higher being.
But what does it mean when actually hold onto the slowness of spirit? Could it mean we spend time feeling what we need to feel before we “do the right thing?” Could it mean that instead of meditating the anger or impatience away we actually connect to the reasons it exists?
We see so many people, in the limelight or in our lives who appear to be aligning themselves with religious or spiritual practices but then later find out that what they actually do is quite the opposite. We all do this. everyday. Most of us however, do it in small microcosmic ways not under the scrutiny of millions.
Slowing down Spiritually could mean aligning your beliefs with your actions in meaningful ways. It could mean starting from slowing down and practicing discernment first. A great example of this is someone who has conflicting values around being pro-choice. On one hand they believe that women have a right to choose what they do with their bodies but on the other, they are not ok with Medical Assistance in Dying (MAiD). It is in the practice of spiritual slowness or personal discernment that we can become better aligned with our beliefs and values.
It is in my humble opinion, that we would see a lot less judgement in the world if we intentionally practiced slowness in our days. If we considered that our first opinion was not always the best opinion. That perhaps we don’t need to be the one who knows first, we need to be the one who spent the time thinking things through for an extra beat or ten.
You made it to the end of this post, and now I have a couple reflections for you:
Did you read the whole thing or skim through?
Did it feel irritatingly slow or did you find yourself slowing down to meet it?
My practice of going slow irritates the very fast people in my life. That’s why it’s a radical act. It’s a radical act to go slow when the world expects you to keep up. I am a slow walker, I like to be creative, I love ideation but every now and then, my slowness rubs off. I see a settling in the person across the table from me, a leaning back of sorts. Their bodies melt just a little and their breathing deepens. The moments become longer, time slips and before we know it, we have both learned to just be present.
What if you knew that the way to access the very best in yourself – the light side of your humanity – was by facing your darkness?… One of the most powerful turning points in life comes when we begin to understand the shadow as a great teacher. In darkness, it waits for the light of our own awareness – to be seen, heard, understood, and embraced. And as we learn to accept and care for all parts of ourselves, we grow and evolve into our best selves. Gradually coming to love the shadow gives us access to the wisdom that it holds for us at its core – the secret gems we find when we dare to open the hidden door of the shadow.
Now, there are plenty of conversations out there that any and every parent is probably dreading. Some are just inevitable, like the birds and the bees, death, financial hardships, and relationships ending, and then there’s one that doesn’t always happen but sometimes does: addiction. Now, addictions are sometimes portrayed in children’s media; just take a look back at older cartoons; there are even full-fledge episodes about addictions, such as The Powerpuff Girls back in the early 2000s.
Plus, this is usually taught in school, too. But when it comes to kids, usually, unless they personally experience something they don’t fully understand. So you can’t always expect school or media to teach them, especially when it comes to a sensitive topic like this. It doesn’t matter what the addiction is either, whether it be alcoholism, gambling, gaming, or any addiction really. So, with that said, you have to go about the right way of discussing this with them. So, here’s exactly what you need to know!
It Starts with Creating a Safe Space for ConversationStart by choosing a quiet, private setting where your child feels safe and comfortable. This environment will encourage open dialogue and allow your child to express their thoughts and feelings freely. Plus, you’ll need to assure them that it’s okay to ask questions and share their concerns. Sometimes, it can be as simple as sitting on the couch or bed, as long as there are no distractions.
Use Age-Appropriate LanguageA small child doesn’t need to know all the not-so-nice details. So, that’s why you have to tailor your explanation to your child’s age and level of understanding. For younger children, keep the language simple and avoid overwhelming them with too much detail. For example, you might say, “Auntie is not feeling well because she’s been using something that’s not good for her body.” Older children can handle more detailed explanations, such as, “Your uncle is struggling with an addiction, which means he has a hard time stopping even though it’s hurting him.” Of course, your kid is going to ask plenty of questions, so you just need to keep this in mind, too.
Encourage Questions and Open DialogueBefore discussing addiction with your child, it’s beneficial to first contact a professional addiction treatment center and gather details about the specific programs they offer for the addiction affecting your loved one. When you initiate the conversation, tailor your approach to your child’s age—sometimes a gentle approach is necessary, but clarity is also crucial.
Encourage your child to ask questions and express their feelings openly. Patience is key; be prepared to revisit the topic as needed. Addiction is a complex issue, and your child might need time to understand and process the information. Reassure them that they can talk to you anytime about their worries or thoughts, fostering an open and supportive dialogue.
We’ll go to the doctor when we feel flu-ish or a nagging pain. So why don’t we see a health professional when we feel emotional pain: guilt, loss, loneliness? Too many of us deal with common psychological-health issues on our own, says Guy Winch. But we don’t have to. He makes a compelling case to practice emotional hygiene — taking care of our emotions, our minds, with the same diligence we take care of our bodies.
Now, there are plenty of conversations out there that any and every parent is probably dreading. Some are just inevitable, like the birds and the bees, death, financial hardships, and relationships ending, and then there’s one that doesn’t always happen but sometimes does: addiction. Now, addictions are sometimes portrayed in children’s media; just take a look back at older cartoons; there are even full-fledge episodes about addictions, such as The Powerpuff Girls back in the early 2000s.
Plus, this is usually taught in school, too. But when it comes to kids, usually, unless they personally experience something they don’t fully understand. So you can’t always expect school or media to teach them, especially when it comes to a sensitive topic like this. It doesn’t matter what the addiction is either, whether it be alcoholism, gambling, gaming, or any addiction really. So, with that said, you have to go about the right way of discussing this with them. So, here’s exactly what you need to know!
It Starts with Creating a Safe Space for ConversationStart by choosing a quiet, private setting where your child feels safe and comfortable. This environment will encourage open dialogue and allow your child to express their thoughts and feelings freely. Plus, you’ll need to assure them that it’s okay to ask questions and share their concerns. Sometimes, it can be as simple as sitting on the couch or bed, as long as there are no distractions.
Use Age-Appropriate LanguageA small child doesn’t need to know all the not-so-nice details. So, that’s why you have to tailor your explanation to your child’s age and level of understanding. For younger children, keep the language simple and avoid overwhelming them with too much detail. For example, you might say, “Auntie is not feeling well because she’s been using something that’s not good for her body.” Older children can handle more detailed explanations, such as, “Your uncle is struggling with an addiction, which means he has a hard time stopping even though it’s hurting him.” Of course, your kid is going to ask plenty of questions, so you just need to keep this in mind, too.
Encourage Questions and Open DialogueIdeally, you’re going to want to visit website first, get some information about addictions and maybe the one that your loved has (and maybe discuss a potential solution too), and then start the conversation with your kid. While yes, to a degree you should sugar coat it, at the same time, it depends on their age. Now, during this conversation, your child may or may not understand what’s going on.
Nudge them to ask questions and express their feelings. But you’ll need to be patient and ready to revisit the topic as needed. As you already know, addiction is a complex issue, and your child might need time to process the information and come back with more questions later. So just let them know that they can talk to you anytime about their worries or thoughts.
Morgana Bailey has been hiding her true self for 16 years. In a brave talk, she utters four words that might not seem like a big deal to some, but to her have been paralyzing. Why speak up? Because she’s realized that her silence has personal, professional, and societal consequences. In front of an audience of her co-workers, she reflects on what it means to fear the judgment of others, and how it makes us judge ourselves.
Trauma is the lasting emotional response that often results from living through a distressing event.
The definition that I prefer comes from Dr. Porges who is a psychologist and neuroscientist. He is also the developer of Polyvagal Theory.
“Trauma is what happens to a person when there is either too much too soon, too much for too long or not enough for too long.”
I share both definitions because I think that when it comes to talking about trauma most conversations go towards the extremes such as military, first responders or tragic accidents.
Trauma is one of those conversations that can quickly go to the “well, I didn’t have it as bad as someone else so I don’t want to talk about it.”
This mindset even happens within the communities I mentioned above. Being a Marine Corps veteran myself I can talk about my own experiences whether it be personally or with talking with my brothers and sisters in arms.
There is an apprehension to discuss how your trauma affected you since there are others that “had it worse”.
The bigger challenge then becomes that when people are feeling the effects of trauma they may make the “story” worse since they feel that they have to show that their response is appropriate to the experience.
Studies have been done pertaining to PTSD that have shown that people who have gone through shared traumatic experiences and then have PTSD respond differently over time. One of the biggest markers was that those that make their story less impactful over time have quicker recovery times.
This means that as they recall the events that led to them having PTSD the “movie” inside their mind loses its power.
This is a key concept that I use when working with clients that are dealing with trauma and phobias. Phobias tend to be a one time learning from a traumatic event that gets stored in our minds as a rule on how to interact with life.
The other category of trauma that is most prevalent is relationship trauma. That can be from family and upbringing or later in life with romantic relationships.
When it comes to Dr. Porges’ definition you can see how all three areas could show up in this type of trauma.
1.Too much too soon- One time event.
2.Too much for too long – sustained issues.
3.Not enough for too long
The one I would like to discuss is having not enough for too long. This one is based on the teachings of polyvagal theory. I will say that this is also about our need for connection.
We are born with a need for connection. Not just physically, although there are many studies that show the benefits of touch to include that being hugged by someone you feel safe with releases oxytocin, sometimes referred to as the Love hormone.
Our nervous systems also connect with each other. In Polyvagal theory this is referred to as Neuroception. Our autonomic nervous system is always looking for signs of safety and signs of threat. As we go through life with a well regulated (meaning it understands and responds accordingly to those cues) nervous system it allows us to interact with the world as it is and not based on negative memories of the past that dictate an overly cautious response.
This is relevant here because of another part of polyvagal theory which is co-regulation. Meaning that our nervous system reaches out to the other nervous systems around us and “checks in” so to speak. When you grow up around others that have a regulated nervous system then you can connect with them at that level.
Have you ever walked into a room and you could feel the tension (as the saying goes). Maybe there isn’t anything actually happening that is a threat but someones (or multiple people in the room) nervous system is in sympathetic mode (i.e fight or flight) and your nervous system is picking up on it.
That is an example of a non-regulated nervous system. The example of them feeling a threat where one isn’t.
If you grew up around someone that had the issue of not feeling safe and not having a regulated nervous system then your nervous system wasn’t able to co-regulate and figure out what is actually safe and not safe.
There is also the situation where there may not have been love in the household or at least love that you could feel and understand. These are all aspects of the trauma that would be looked at.
However the trauma showed up in a person’s life there are ways to support them in dealing with it and processing it so they can live a happier and healthier life.
This is a very deep subject with a lot of nuance around it.
In my professional life I see clients working through trauma, to include those with PTSD. There are many ways to approach healing trauma and each person is an individual. Based on their experiences and how they are processing the trauma we find the beginning of the journey to their healing.
“Creation, Expansion Beyond Belief, and Receiving ALL the Happy that Comes My Way…HAPPINESS—Yess, More Please!!!”
The above words began coming through to me in bits and pieces towards the latter part of 2023. Unsure why, but feeling strong urges to write them down as they floated about my head, I created a section in my notes app and titled it ‘Musings for 2024’. Flash forward to today and I am beyond grateful that I did—as they comprise my mantra for the year, my invitation to party with the Universe.
Exploding with excitement is how I can best describe my life in 2024 thus far. And we are just getting started, my friends! Several fabulous, creative opportunities have presented themselves seamlessly and sequentially since the beginning of January. From the publication of my third multi-author book to my presentation in the May installment of 360° Nation’s InsteadTALKS, my heart and mind keep circling back to my celebratory invite from the Universe. What delightful gifts have I been able to receive from such a generous and gracious host!
Along with my amazing adventures in the creative sphere, I’ve been recently miraculously blessed in the physical realm. True expansion and growth beyond belief have been witnessed in my body in such a short time frame. I’ll briefly share some highlights from the past twenty-seven years of chronic health issues to provide background context.
All hell broke loose in 1997 when three infectious diseases decided to wreak havoc upon my immune system. Their presence evolved into a severe case of Fibromyalgia, which would rear its ugly head in flare ups of extreme fatigue and joint pains. Flares would come and go and could last anywhere from a few weeks to several months.
One day in 2009, I experienced a flare that never subsided. The extreme levels of fatigue and joint pains amped up quite a few notches as I lost my ability to walk and many of my mental faculties. I’d been starting to manage my symptoms well enough with meds, aqua physical therapy, and mental/emotional therapy with a social worker, until 2013–when I was diagnosed with a severe nervous system disorder called CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome).
Symptoms of CRPS include, but are not limited to, the following: (1) Continuous burning or throbbing pain, usually in the arm, leg, hand, or foot, (2) Sensitivity to touch or cold, (3) Swelling of the painful area, (4) Changes in skin temperature—altering between sweaty and cold, (5) Changes in skin color, ranging from white and blotchy to red or blue, (6) Changes in skin texture, which may become tender, thin, or shiny in the affected area, (7) Changes in hair and nail growth, (8) joint stiffness, swelling, and damage, (9) Muscle spasms, tremors, and weakness (atrophy), and (10) Decreased ability to move the affected body part.
In my case, the whole body was affected and was experiencing all the symptoms above and more. It was curving over itself and hardening into the fetal position. Nerves were so tightly wound up that the muscles and joints were stiffened to the point that there was no voluntary control over movement. The nerves were so sensitive that the body couldn’t tolerate physical touch of any kind. I spent an entire year (2013-2014) in bed with this condition and had some bone damage done to the feet. It was thought I would never move or walk independently again.
A fabulous five-day outpatient treatment of ketamine infusions proved the difference! Movement in my toes was possible the first night and I was completely pain free after the treatment was over—ready to start building up body strength and endurance. I’ve had several CRPS flare ups since 2014 and the ketamine infusions have resolved each one.
Since my last rounds of ketamine in 2021, I have continuously been building back my body strength, endurance, mental, and spiritual health—striving to be the healthiest version of me that I possibly can. And until a particular party with the Universe, which I attended in mid-March, this version of me could exist (from day to day) in a variety of phases. At my very worst, my mobility depended solely on the wheelchair. At my very best, I shuffle-walked around the house without the aid of assistive devices, used a rolling walker for short outings, and relied on the wheelchair for long ones.
So now that you know where I was, you’ll soon be able to see how drastically my physical life has changed upon accepting the Universe’s invitation in mid-March to party in Sedona, Arizona on my first retreat!
I must confess that the Sedona Retreat was just one of many firsts included in that mid-March party thrown by the Universe—which provided for so much growth, expansion, and receipt of HAPPINESS. For starters, it was the first time I had flown in an airplane since 2018 and the first time I was not being accompanied by my parents. My dear friend and retreat host agreed to be my travel buddy to and from the festivities.
And boy was the entire flight experience a gift—a complete contrast to my previous plane rides. Never in my life, even before I became ill, had an airport been a place where I found joy. The crowds, the stress, and the waiting or rushing about had never been what I considered pleasant. And this feeling only evolved to one of dread, once my illness began. Typically, I would have to take an anti-anxiety medication before I even left the house and then arm myself with earplugs and noise-canceling headphones because of intense sensory overload. Then my parents would push the wheelchair through the airport, as I kept my head down and my eyes to the floor. TSA (Transportation Security Administration) would scan my bags, body, and wheelchair and I’d be asleep before we even boarded the plane.
But NOT this time!!!
Upon arrival at the airport, my friend enquired how best to assist me through the whole process. I honestly wasn’t sure because I hadn’t flown in so long. After making the decision to use my wheelchair as a walker and push my carry-on bags as far and as long as I was able, I asked my friend to roll my big bag to the check-in counter. Then I stated, “Let’s see what happens.”
What happened next was a fabulous encounter with the most delightful man at bag-check. He did his job with a smile and joked with us while answering any questions we had. When finished, he even offered some advice about how to maneuver around the airport and TSA pre-check with the wheelchair. My friend and I made our way to the pre-check area and after the formalities, it was time for a break. So I sat in the wheelchair, enjoyed pleasant conversation with my friend until our plane arrived, and then settled into a nice nap once the plane took off.
“Let’s see what happens” should be added to my 2024 mantra. It truly defined the essence of the entire Sedona Retreat trip. It also solidified my acceptance to party with the Universe and opened my heart, mind, body, spirit, and eyes to the endless bounty of gifts that it provides.
Upon arrival in Sedona, I voiced those words, “Let’s see what happens” in response to my friend as we began a hike up a hill near her home. She and another friend provided not only the utmost emotional support, but also gave me the physical support I required to make it up that hill. After numerous breaks, between me shuffling my feet up the mound and leaning on each friend for balance and stability, I finally reached the summit.
Another fabulous first and gift presented by my dearest companion, the Universe!!!
Around the second or third day of the retreat, things started to get very interesting. It was as if the Universe had raised the volume level of the music at the party and wanted me to start dancing—or at least walking. One of the fabulous females attending the retreat happened to be a healer and massage therapist. “Out of the blue” she approached me—with a glimmer in her eyes—and asked if she could “work on” my right foot. Apparently it had been calling out to her. So I said, “Sure. Let’s see what happens.”
A few gentle snap-crackle-pops later, I noticed a warm, energized, and flowing sensation in my foot. It was as if something that had been “stuck” there was finally gone. Immediately after she was done massaging my foot and I got up from the couch, I realized I could stand flat on both feet. It had been at least ten years since I was able to perform this task due to the bone loss and deformity in my right foot.
Let’s hear it for another fantastic first and full-on miracle!!!
Well, the Universe didn’t stop there. While preparing for our hike the next day, I discovered I could lift my right foot while moving forward. This allowed for me to take actual steps independently, without having to shuffle my feet.
Another feat that was at least ten years in the making!!!
I’m not going to lie, it was awkward and my balance was really off. It was as if I was navigating a new pair of legs. But I was F*cking walking unassisted!
To put into perspective the gravity of this experience, I will flash forward several days—after the retreat was over. My friends and I returned to the hill that we climbed upon my initial arrival into Sedona. This experience was like night and day. No breaks were required to regain my energy or strength and I climbed the hill completely on my own! My heart was overflowing with gratitude, excitement, and celebration for the gracious gifts being presented by the Universe.
And the presents kept coming. The weekend following the retreat offered another first for me to experience—The Hay House I Can Do It Conference. This was a grand experiment, indeed, for it had been at least fifteen years since I had attended an in-person event—surrounded by all those people in one space for any length of time. But again, “Let’s see what happens” played over and over in my head and in my heart.
And what happened was spectacular!!!
Using the wheelchair as a walker, I was able to navigate the Phoenix Convention Center—at my own pace—as I watched several beloved inspirational keynote speakers and attended numerous break-out-sessions of joy, love, and positivity over the course of the three-day event. When I was tired, I napped—which really only happened on Saturday because we started the day so early. And just like the airport, the entire experience was most delightful and completely contrasted my encounters with crowds and intense environments over the course of my chronic health journey.
In the past, after several hours of activity in a day, I’d come home in severe pain and utter exhaustion, having to rest the entire next day…Not this time! Previously, I would have needed to arm myself with both earplugs and noise-canceling headphones to drown out the crowd…Nope, not necessary! Back in the day, I would have avoided this in-person event AT ALL COSTS for fear of how it might negatively trigger my health conditions. However…these three days at the Hay House I Can Do It Conference were an absolute blast!
All of these amazing adventures that took place in Sedona, mid-March, happened because of several key factors. I freed myself from expectations, became curious about the opportunities that arose before me, opened myself to embrace the experiences that I encountered, and allowed myself to receive all the HAPPINESS and goodness that was available to me. Upon this realization, it occurred to me that the fabulous party thrown by the Universe in Sedona, Arizona did not have to end. For every moment everywhere was an invitation to come party with the Universe—I just had to accept!
Since the download of my 2024 mantra and grasping its great significance—through experiencing such spectacular synchronistic events, gifts, and miracles both creatively and physically—I have decided to embrace each moment for what it truly is…the Universe offering me a chance to attend the most amazing party with the most stunning array of gifts imaginable! And the best part is, this proposition isn’t exclusively mine—We ALL are Welcomed to the Party!!!
Have You Accepted Your Invite???
How do our beliefs show up in our relationships? One way to know is how you feel about yourself in that relationship–not how you feel about the other person, how you feel about YOU.
Do you often end up feeling the same way in relationships, even if the names and faces change? Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells, or are afraid your loved one might leave you? Are you tired of feeling criticized, like you have to do it all yourself, or of being afraid to ask for what you want? Perhaps you feel unimportant or that your needs don’t matter. Even though the faces may change, the feelings remain the same, since they are generated by us in response to the person we are in a relationship with.
The bad news is–it’s not about them. Really. Trying to change them won’t make us feel better.
The good news is–it’s not about them! This means we can stop our ongoing effort of trying to change THEM and bring our attention back to ourselves, where real change happens.
Most of us project our expectations onto those we are in a relationship with. Those expectations are what we learned as children.
If we look inside, those feelings we have in our current relationships are ones we experienced as a child. Different circumstances, same feelings. It’s the beliefs we learned as children that we project into our adult relationships that trigger those feelings once again.
If I believe I’m not OK just the way I am, I will attract relationships and situations that confirm my belief. I will find myself being criticized, judged or humiliated, and no amount of trying to change THEM will work. Until I find a way to own my belief, and change it to one that works for me, I’ll keep having the same experience in relationships. Once I realize I’m OK just the way I am, THEY will start responding to me as if I am OK.
When we can see what is happening, we can stop taking things personally, knowing that we are all just projecting our own expectations onto others from the past, and those expectations often don’t have anything to do with the other person.
It really is about our relationship with ourselves. The beliefs I hold about myself will always show up in my relationships. It’s a great mirror.
What beliefs about yourself are you willing to challenge and change today?
A large part of being alive is feeling emotions. It is a blessing to be aware enough of that which goes on inside us. All emotions are valuable and can teach us profound lessons if we are willing to see them in this way. And, emotions do not define who we are at our essence. We can choose how we react to them. We can choose to feed the dark sides of these emotions that only breed more darkness. Or we can choose to use these emotions as a compass pointing us towards our light.
Author’s Note: May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I offer this post as a means of sharing my experience, even as I grant I’m more fortunate than many. If you or a loved one struggle with mental health, call the NAMI HelpLine at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), text “HelpLine” to 62640, or email helpline@nami.org. If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide or experiencing a mental health crisis, dial or text 988 to connect with a trained crisis counselor 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There’s more help available in the world than you might think — and more people in the world willing to help than you could ever imagine. You are not and don’t have to be alone.
I have a confession: I play Angry Birds 2.
I started playing to keep myself occupied while waiting for people to respond to instant messages (which, much like the Express Lanes in grocery-store checkouts, are anything but instant), waiting in line at the DMV, waiting for doctor or dentist appointments, waiting at railroad crossings, or keeping my wife company on the couch while she watches Fixer Upper, Property Brothers, Love It or Li$t It, Windy City Rehab, Home Town, Good Bones, Flip or Flop, House Hunters Renovation, This Old House, Grand Designs, and Dr. Pimple Popper.
But after playing for a while (say, roughly 350 levels or so) something revelatory and quite unexpected happened: In the face of what seemed like insurmountable frustration at having to replay every room in every level, sometimes innumerably, only to be unable to reach — or to be unable to conquer — the Boss Pig (or the King Pig, or the Chef Pig, or the Foreman Pig, or any other of his myriad manifestations), I learned patience.
Boss Pig
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Perseverance
First, Angry Birds 2 taught me the patience to study. The game can be a series of mindlessly distracting tactical moves (which attracted my initial interest), or it can be a strategic, fully engaging, and relentless pursuit of a singular goal (which attracts my abiding interest): Blast the Boss Pig to Hell, move on to other levels and, in some instances, to other worlds entirely. Wow!
Second, Angry Birds 2 taught me to persist, to endure, to recognize the temporary nature of frustration, and to realize the conquering power of tenacity. By its addictive nature (or mine), the game compels players to keep coming back, regardless of the seemingly impossible adversity — to think, to examine, to analyze, and to find a way to move on.
To find a way to move on. Think about that. Moving on, determining to move on, finding a way to move on, settling for nothing less than moving on is the modus operandi for a rewarding life. It’s the remedy for procrastination. It’s the antidote for anxiety. It’s the defeat of paralyzing depression. It’s the answer to the age-old philosophical question: Why are we here?
To move on. Period.
Birds of a Feather
Finally, Angry Birds 2 is of a piece with two other things that have always helped me move on. The first is a quote from Mikal Gilmore, from his book, Shot in the Heart. I read the book in the late ’90s, during a bout of crippling depression characterized by stark, unrelenting terror.
The book recounts the Gilmore family’s dark history, leading to the execution of Mikal’s older brother, Gary, in 1977, by a Utah firing squad. (Gary’s last words: “Let’s do it.” Gary’s execution is also the subject or Norman Mailer’s book, The Executioner’s Song.) The book’s unremitting bleakness had me wondering at every turn of the page why I continued to read it while experiencing my own period of darkness. It felt masochistic.
But there, on page 374, I found my answer.
Gilmore wrote:
Depression is a hard experience to communicate, and perhaps a hard one to understand, but once you’ve had it you don’t forget it. It makes you look on the rest of the world with a bit more compassion, and it also causes you to watch the corners of your life more closely, so you can spot the darkness rapidly if it begins to creep back in.
Reading that gave me no instant relief. But I was in the care of a psychiatrist, whom I still see every six months, and I was surrounded by friends who’d also experienced depression. They told me I wasn’t myself — but I would be again. They were right. And Gilmore’s words assured me they were right.
Even more, Gilmore’s words eventually led me to see the depression I’d experienced as a gift. It taught me the temporary nature of misery. It taught me much about what I can and cannot control. It helped me to understand my capacity to overcome affliction and misfortune. It did make me more compassionate. It did teach me to watch the corners of my life ever more acutely. And it helped me to realize all I was capable of achieving if I mustered the resolve and the energy to just … keep … moving … on.
Failure Is Not an Option
The other thing that never loses its ability to help me move on is this quote from the brilliant inventor, accomplished businessman, technological pioneer, and ardent player of Angry Birds 2, Thomas Edison:
Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
Give up? Not a chance. Giving up is a Boss Pig in a poke.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back in the game.
Heather Lench, Texas A&M University
Remember the sadness that came with the last time you failed miserably at something? Or the last time you were so anxious about an upcoming event that you couldn’t concentrate for days?
These types of emotions are unpleasant to experience and can even feel overwhelming. People often try to avoid them, suppress them or ignore them. In fact, in psychology experiments, people will pay money to not feel many negative emotions. But recent research is revealing that emotions can be useful, and even negative emotions can bring benefits.
In my emotion science lab at Texas A&M University, we study how emotions like anger and boredom affect people, and we explore ways that these feelings can be beneficial. We share the results so people can learn how to use their emotions to build the lives they want.
Our studies and many others have shown that emotions aren’t uniformly good or bad for people. Instead, different emotions can result in better outcomes in particular types of situations. Emotions seem to function like a Swiss army knife – different emotional tools are helpful in specific situations.
Sadness can help you recover from a failureSadness occurs when people perceive that they’ve lost a goal or a desired outcome, and there’s nothing they can do to improve the situation. It could be getting creamed in a game or failing a class or work project, or it can be losing a relationship with a family member. Once evoked, sadness is associated with what psychologists call a deactivation state of doing little, without much behavior or physical arousal. Sadness also brings thinking that is more detailed and analytical. It makes you stop and think.
The benefit of the stopping and thinking that comes with sadness is that it helps people recover from failure. When you fail, that typically means the situation you’re in is not conducive to success. Instead of just charging ahead in this type of scenario, sadness prompts people to step back and evaluate what is happening. When people are sad, they process information in a deliberative, analytical way and want to avoid risk. This mode comes with more accurate memory, judgment that is less influenced by irrelevant assumptions or information, and better detection of other people lying. These cognitive changes can encourage people to understand past failures and possibly prevent future ones.
Sadness can function differently when there’s the possibility that the failure could be avoided if other people help. In these situations, people tend to cry and can experience increased physiological arousal, such as quicker heart and breathing rates. Expressing sadness, through tears or verbally, has the benefit of potentially recruiting other people to help you achieve your goals. This behavior appears to start in infants, with tears and cries signaling caregivers to help.
Anger prepares you to overcome an obstacleAnger occurs when people perceive they’re losing a goal or desired outcome, but that they could improve the situation by removing something that’s in their way. The obstacle could be an injustice committed by another person, or it could be a computer that repeatedly crashes while you’re trying to get work done. Once evoked, anger is associated with a “readiness for action,” and your thinking focuses on the obstacle.
The benefit of being prepared for action and focused on what’s in your way is that it motivates you to overcome what’s standing between you and your goal. When people are angry, they process information and make judgments rapidly, want to take action, and are physiologically aroused. In experiments, anger actually increases the force of people’s kicks, which can be helpful in physical encounters. Anger results in better outcomes in situations that involve challenges to goals, including confrontational games, tricky puzzles, video games with obstacles, and responding quickly on tasks.
Expressing anger, facially or verbally, has the benefit of prompting other people to clear the way. People are more likely to concede in negotiations and give in on issues when their adversary looks or says they are angry.
Anxiety helps you prepare for dangerAnxiety occurs when people perceive a potential threat. This could be giving a speech to a large audience where failure would put your self-esteem on the line, or it could be a physical threat to yourself or loved ones. Once evoked, anxiety is associated with being prepared to respond to danger, including increased physical arousal and attention to threats and risk. Being prepared for danger means that if trouble brews, you can respond quickly to prevent or avoid it. When anxious, people detect threats rapidly, have fast reaction times and are on heightened alert. The eye-widening that often comes with fear and anxiety even gives people a wider field of vision and improves threat detection.
Anxiety prepares the body for action, which improves performance on a number of tasks that involve motivation and attention. It motivates people to prepare for upcoming events, such as devoting time to study for an exam. Anxiety also prompts protective behavior, which can help prevent the potential threat from becoming a reality.
Boredom can jolt you out of a rutThere is less research on boredom than many other emotions, so it is not as well understood. Researchers debate what it is and what it does. Boredom appears to occur when someone’s current situation is not causing any other emotional response. There are three situations where this lack can occur: when emotions fade, such as the happiness of a new car fading to neutral; when people don’t care about anything in their current situation, such as being at a large party where nothing interesting is happening; or when people have no goals. Boredom does not necessarily set in just because nothing is happening – someone with a goal of relaxation might feel quite content sitting quietly with no stimulation.
Psychology researchers think that the benefit of boredom in situations where people are not responding emotionally is that it prompts making a change. If nothing in your current situation is worth responding to, the aversive experience of boredom can motivate you to seek new situations or change the way you’re thinking. Boredom has been related to more risk seeking, a desire for novelty, and creative thinking. It seems to function like an emotional stick, nudging people out of their current situation to explore and create.
Using the toolkit of emotionPeople want to be happy. But research is finding that a satisfying and productive life includes a mix of positive and negative emotions. Negative emotions, even though they feel bad to experience, can motivate and prepare people for failure, challenges, threats and exploration.
Pleasant or not, your emotions can help guide you toward better outcomes. Maybe understanding how they prepare you to handle various situations will help you feel better about feeling bad.
Heather Lench, Professor of Psychological and Brain Sciences, Texas A&M University
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
Progress has not followed a straight ascending line, but a spiral with rhythms of progress and retrogression, of evolution and dissolution.
~ Goethe
As Goethe inferred, life is not a straight ascending ride but more like a universal roller coaster—an endless continuum of dips, rises, and spirals; of beginnings and endings . . . successes and failures . . . wins and losses . . . setbacks and advances . . . good days and bad days . . . peaks and valleys . . . light and darkness. In the human realm we can’t have one without the other because we need the contrast of one to give meaning to the other. We just need to remember that this is so and to keep moving, whether we are on an “ascending or a bending” part of the ride. Life is rife with changes and challenges that perpetually come and go.
Throughout the ages masters have described this universal principle as the “heartthrob” of Life, always pulsating in a circular manner that serves the creation, evolution, and, ultimately, the dissolution of all living things. What matters is our perspective of the process and understanding as to how it affects every area of our lives. The ancient wise ones have reminded us that all that “is” has a beginning and an end, where there is a period of rest (or restoration) between what was and what shall be. But they never described that period as a permanent stopping place. Just as the planets have cycles, our lives have cycles: day ends with night, night with day; summer ends with fall, fall with winter, and on it goes. In short, life is one wild ride on a universal spiral. The secret of the ages has been to experience the ride, the beginnings and the endings, the good and the bad, and not get consumed by either the positive aspects or the negative. But how do we do this in a world where there appears to be so much chaos that pummels our senses and pulls us in every direction? The practice is called “The Wisdom of Equanimity.”
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
~ Carl Jung
Equanimity is defined as “mental or emotional calmness or equilibrium.” In the context of this writing, equanimity allows us to stand where we are on the ride of life and simply “be” with it. In other words, equanimity is detached observation; it is the practice of being mindfully aware whether we are leaning toward “whatever is” and favoring it, or, pulling away from “whatever is” and disfavoring it and then finding the balance of a neutral position that favors neither. The wisdom of equanimity can be applied when navigating our way through difficult times as well as when dealing with difficult people. It is a mindfulness practice that helps us be the observer of our thoughts and feelings before we act on them in a manner that we may later regret. In Buddhism equanimity might be considered an aspect of walking the middle path because it creates the perfect emotional balance required to stay on the ride and not be seduced by the polarity of life in the human condition.
To cling to the belief that our life is supposed to continually progress in an ascending straight line causes much suffering. If today is a day of curves and bends rather than an ascending straight line, darkness rather than light, sadness rather than happiness, failure rather than achievement, remember that it must have an end just as it had a beginning. Equally important, remember that while it is not to be perceived as permanent, just as a roller coaster stops between rides, there is a period of rest in between the two. Take a breath and fully “be” in that sacred space.
The wisdom of equanimity brings balance to our perspective; it allows us to breathe and experience the sacred gap—the space of what is—that lies between what was and what shall be, knowing as surely as night follows day, this too shall pass. Remember, there will always be more peaks and valleys ahead on the spiral of life. This is truly great news because it means we’re alive . . . and that’s a ride worth staying on.
Just remember to breathe and keep your balance!
Peace, Dennis
As many of you know from following me, I’ve struggled mightily for most of my life with making ends meet, and then just getting by, and then feeling like I had a handle on things, to now enjoying the fruits of the growth in my money vibe and consciousness.
When you feel challenged with finances in your life, it’s essential to develop a strong money mindset that empowers you to overcome obstacles and manifest abundance. It’s a task that is far easier said than done, as you probably already know.
If you’re looking to transform your relationship with money and achieve financial freedom, then you’re in luck! Today I am sending you a replay of the Masterclass, “Money Mindset for Challenging Times.”
If this is an area where you’re struggling right now, give yourself the gift of time and focus to watch, take notes, and internalize the teachings in this session.
Here are some of the highlights:
Determine and Overcome Limiting Beliefs:The first step towards financial transformation is identifying the beliefs that may be sabotaging your desires. Through a quick and easy quiz in this session, I help you determine if 11 specific money beliefs are blocking your path to abundance. By uncovering these limiting beliefs, you gain valuable insights into what may have been holding you back and can begin the journey towards releasing them.
Strategies for Empowering Relationships with Money:Later in the session, I share three powerful strategies to reverse low-vibe beliefs and cultivate an empowering relationship with money that will guide you for the rest of your life. These strategies go beyond simply earning more money and address the underlying mindset that can alleviate your money stress. Discover how to shift your perspective and create a positive narrative around money, inviting abundance to flow into your life.
Learn from Real-Life Success:One of the highlights of this masterclass is my personal story. I’ve provided an intimate account of the exact steps and strategies she used to go from being homeless to building multiple 7-figure assets. I hope that my sometimes tumultuous journey inspires you and shows you that regardless of your starting point, financial prosperity is within reach.
The Science Behind Financial Conditioning:Have you ever wondered why some people seem naturally inclined towards financial success while others struggle to make ends meet? I remember that feeling. So, many years ago, I decided to learn what was behind this notion. I learned the ways in which your mind creates your financial condition. In this session you will gain a deeper understanding of the connection between your thoughts, beliefs, and your financial reality. Armed with this knowledge, you can begin to rewire your mindset for abundance and capitalize on the power of thought to shape your financial journey.
Strategies to Elevate Your Money Mindset:To elevate and expand your money mindset, specific strategies are shared that will propel you towards new levels of abundance. By implementing these strategies, you will gain a fresh perspective on money, allowing you to attract and manifest greater financial wealth. Unlock your true earning potential and break free from self-imposed limitations.
If you’re ready to elevate your money mindset and embrace a path of financial freedom, don’t miss out on the replay of the “Money Mindset for Challenging Times“ Masterclass. Immerse yourself in this 90-minute session and gain the knowledge and tools necessary to transform your financial reality.
CLICK HERE to access the REPLAY “Money Mindset for Challenging Times”
It’s time to begin your transformation today and embrace the path to financial freedom!
A truly enlightening Friendship Bench. A gathering of friends, fostering good will and togetherness; exploring many horizons. The topic was ‘Expectations’, which expanded beyond………..expectations.
Missions, beliefs, judgement, expectations of oneself or others. Imaginary expectations. Dreams of future desires. Listening within a quantum space is one element visited.
Are people happy if they have personal demands they wish to reach and ultimately accomplish? Demotivated and afraid to re-invent themselves. Synergy with inspiration and expectations. Drive out any negativity and choose a realistic mission. Succeeding being a stem to success.
Are we victims of our own expectations? Essentially, expectations can be positive. Or we don’t achieve what we desired and targeted ourselves.
Power, positive energy. And a two-way street. Works both way. What we expect of ourselves and others.
Applied to others, where our expectations are not reached, can be disappointing; or visa versa of course. And coincidence? I am currently reading Charles Dickens’ ‘Great Expectations’! Quite a lesson, but not all positive!
Aspirational expectations; ultimately positive. Freedom of the gut. Release the power. View others with reality, comparing them with your own emotions and belief in yourself.
Believe in yourself and keep a door open for others.
Our mindset is the cornerstone of well-being. In this week’s Mindful Moment, let’s turn our attention inward and explore our thoughts. Ask yourself:
- Are my thoughts directed towards myself gentle, loving, and compassionate?
- Am I prone to judgment and criticism, both towards myself and others?
- Are my overall thoughts predominantly positive or veering towards negativity?
- Do I infuse my thoughts with gratitude and appreciation regularly?
Positive Thoughts: A Conscious ChoicePositive thoughts are not merely a byproduct but a conscious choice. Let’s break free from negative tape loops and cultivate a mindset that uplifts us and those around us.
Nurture Your Mental Health with Love and RespectYour mind deserves the same love and attention you give your body. Reflect on the questions above with curiosity and non-judgment. Your mental health is as crucial as your physical well-being.
As someone who has dedicated the last two decades to practicing and mentoring in this field, I’ve developed a proprietary coaching methodology that transforms lives by enhancing mindset. If you find yourself in need of assistance, ready to have an expert guide you with research-based tools and techniques to rewire your brain, take the first step.
Invest in your mental well-being; it’s the key to unlocking your fullest potential. I look forward to connecting with you.
In this episode, Angela and Dana discuss the importance of authenticity and being true to yourself. They share their personal experiences with addiction and the journey to sobriety as well as emphasize the need to address the root causes of addiction and the benefits of self-work. The conversation also touches on the role of faith in overcoming challenges and the impact of doubt from loved ones. They highlight the value of genuine friendship and having faith in yourself. The episode concludes with a reminder to have faith in yourself and surround yourself with supportive people.
And as always, true to form, Dana and Angela crack jokes, make merry, and embrace their potty mouths as they drop all pretenses and go commando!
Commando Nugs:
• Being authentic and true to yourself are important in personal and professional growth.
• Addressing the root causes of addiction and engaging in self-work are crucial for recovery.
• Having faith in yourself and surrounding yourself with supportive friends is essential.
• Doubt from loved ones can strain relationships, but having faith in oneself is paramount.
Frank J. Infurna, Arizona State University
Middle-aged Americans are lonelier than their European counterparts. That’s the key finding of my team’s recent study, published in American Psychologist. Our study identified a trend that has been evolving for multiple generations, and affects both baby boomers and Gen Xers. Middle-aged adults in England and Mediterranean Europe are not that far behind the U.S. In contrast, middle-aged adults in continental and Nordic Europe reported the lowest levels of loneliness and stability over time.
We used survey data drawn from over 53,000 middle-aged adults from the U.S. and 13 European nations from 2002 to 2020. We tracked their reported changes in loneliness every two years across the midlife years of 45 to 65. This span provided us data from the so-called silent generation of people born between 1937 and 1945; baby boomers, born between 1946 and 1964; and members of Generation X, born between 1965 and 1974.
Our study makes clear that middle-aged Americans today are experiencing more loneliness than their peers in European nations. This coincides with existing evidence that mortality rates are rising for working-age adults in the U.S.
We focused on middle-aged adults for several reasons. Middle-aged adults form the backbone of society by constituting a majority of the workforce. But they also face increasing challenges today, notably greater demands for support from both their aging parents and their children.
Following the Great Recession from late 2007 to 2009, middle-aged adults in the U.S. reported poorer mental and physical health compared to same-aged peers in the 1990s. Compared to several European nations, U.S. middle-aged adults currently report more depressive symptoms and higher rates of chronic illness, pain and disability.
Why it mattersThe desire to belong is an innate and fundamental need. When this is lacking, it can have downstream consequences.
Loneliness is bad for your health. Researchers have found that loneliness is as dangerous as smoking. Loneliness increases one’s vulnerability to sickness, depression, chronic illness and premature death.
Loneliness is considered a global public health issue. The U.S. surgeon general released an advisory report in 2023 documenting an epidemic of loneliness and a pressing need to increase social connection. Other nations, such as the U.K. and Japan, have appointed ministers of loneliness to ensure relationships and loneliness are considered in policymaking.
What still isn’t knownWhy are middle-aged Americans exceptional when it comes to loneliness and poorer overall mental and physical health? We did not directly test this in our study, but in the future we hope to zero in on the factors driving these trends. We think that the loneliness Americans are reporting compared to peer nations comes down to limited social safety nets and to cultural norms that prioritize individualism over community.
Individualization carries psychological costs, such as reductions in social connections and support structures, which are correlates of loneliness. Relative to the other nations in our study, Americans have a higher tendency to relocate, which is associated with weak social and community ties.
One of the reasons why we chose countries from across Europe is that they differ dramatically from the U.S. when it comes to social and economic opportunities and social safety nets. Social and economic inequalities likely increase one’s loneliness through undermining one’s ability to meet basic needs. Generous family and work policies likely lessen midlife loneliness through reducing financial pressures and work-family conflict, as well as addressing health and gender inequities.
Our findings on loneliness in conjunction with previous studies on life expectancy, health, well-being and cognition suggest that being middle-aged in America is a risk factor for poor mental and physical health outcomes.
The Research Brief is a short take on interesting academic work.
Frank J. Infurna, Associate Professor of Psychology, Arizona State University
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
Think of the ripple effect that can be created when we nourish someone. One kind empathetic word has a wonderful way of turning into many.
~ Fred Rogers (a.k.a. Mr. Rogers)
When was the last time you considered the impact your words and actions make on others? We seldom take time to sit with this question. If more of us did perhaps the world would be a healthier, happier place for us all. Most of us are aware of the “ripple effect” and how one human being can affect others downstream for generations to follow. Are you ready for a “flash back”? Knowing we all live downstream from those who have come before us I would like to share one such person with you who affected my life profoundly. Depending on your current age, you may or may not remember Mr. Rogers; a television personality whose program was solely dedicated to children, spanning three decades. What put Mr. Rogers in a class all by himself was that he was not on the air just to entertain children but to assist them in becoming better human beings.
One of the greatest dignities of humankind is that each successive generation is invested in the welfare of each new generation.
~ Fred Rogers
A movie starring Tom Hanks was released in 2019, Won’t You Be My Neighbor?, documenting the impact (or ripple effect) of Mr. Rogers. Recently, as I watched the movie on Netflix, I had an instant flashback to how Mr. Rogers affected my life and my daughter’s as well. I thought back to 1986 and remembered how Merritt and I would begin each morning together by watching Mister Roger’s Neighborhood on television. We continued this practice until she was about seven years old. We also watched Sesame Street, which was great for learning unfamiliar words and simple math skills, but what Fred Rogers could convey to children went far beyond proper grammar and addition. He taught his TV family of children (and a few of us older kids) how to experience our emotions and feelings. He ignited a spark of joy in children’s hearts, empowering them to experience happiness and teaching them the art of expressing emotions affirmatively.
It’s Always About Love
Love is at the root of everything; love, or the lack of it.
~ Fred Rogers
What hooked my attention most was his willingness to live and teach from his own sense of connectedness to life and others; by example, he showed us the true meaning of friendship, generosity, kindness, respect, compassion and, most importantly, unconditional love. His message consistently centered on love. By his example, he reminded us love is the genuine root of everything good, everything that connects us and makes us better human beings. That was a lesson I have never forgotten. What better legacy could he leave to future generations?
Fred Rogers passed in 2003. Wherever it may be, the neighborhood in which he now lives is a better place because of his presence there. I know that my grown daughter, who is now 39 years old and has two children of her own, carries a piece of Mister Rogers within her heart and soul. I have confidence that as a wholistic physician specializing in womens reproductive health, those whom she will serve for many years to come will reap the benefits from the time she spent hanging out in a particular neighborhood so many years ago. That is the power of the ripple effect, the difference one person can make. Here’s to Mister Rogers. Because, as I have learned, healthy and happy kids grow into healthy, happy, and compassionate adults, and that’s what our world can always use more of—especially now.
Featured Image courses of Terry Arthur (given in “eBay (v1)”), Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
Dearest hearts there are no words we can offer that will make endings feel good because endings often feel as though you’ve failed. However, if you stop focusing on what has ended and place your attention on what’s been gained, you’ll gift to yourselves an easier transition from ending to beginning.
If you’re able to see a new awareness, then you’ve successfully completed the situation
Begin by reclassifying endings. Instead of declaring, “This relationship, situation, way of being has ended and therefore I have failed.” Say instead, “Even though this has ended, I have grown because of the experience.” Now take a moment to remember yourself as you were and compare it to how you are now. Take a moment to appreciate all that you have learned, gained, and recognized about yourself and your approach to life. If you’re able to see a new awareness, then you’ve successfully completed the situation.
Stop measuring your progress by the number of mistakes made and begin understanding that getting it wrong is often a necessary part of getting it right
Being aware doesn’t mean you handled the situation perfectly all of the time. You may have been manipulated, tricked, or agreed to do something that wasn’t in alignment with your highest good, let it go. Stop measuring your progress by the number of mistakes made and begin understanding that getting it wrong is often a necessary part of getting it right. Growth is never about always moving in an upward trajectory. Growth happens when you’re willing to expand, honor, and offer to yourself the possibility of becoming more.
A negative, painful pattern repeating is not an indicator that you should have known better, it’s a request for help. Your psyche is asking you to get help to break out of this toxic behavior
Some of you may be saying, “I didn’t progress at all. This situation took me backward. I knew better but I still got used.” To that statement, we say, “If you had truly known better you would have done better.” Therefore, a negative, painful pattern repeating is not an indicator that you should have known better, it’s a request for help. Your psyche is asking you to get help to break out of this toxic behavior. The growth you achieved, in this case, is not to have overcome a former debilitating pattern but rather to become aware that that pattern exists and is causing unnecessary hardship. Awareness is the first point of change. Therefore, your growth from this situation is your newfound ability to see and understand there’s a problem.
If you insist you’ve failed when you repeated a toxic cycle then you’ve just made it harder to break free
If you allow yourself to win by recognizing your growth, you’ll make it easier to continue winning. If you insist you’ve failed when you repeated a toxic cycle then you’ve just made it harder to break free. By seeing yourself as a failure, you’re condemning yourself to the failure space. You’re invoking the law of attraction to bring you more reasons to feel bad, call yourself a failure, and face painful endings. At the same time, you’ve made it impossible to accept bright beginnings.
You are the deciding factor during every part of your life. If at any time you want to change the circumstances you’re experiencing you must begin by changing the internal dialogue, the emotional resonance, and your willingness to be in alignment with your Divine source.
To begin something with hope for the future, you much believe it’s possible for things to improve, you must see yourself as worthy of deserving good things, and you much allow yourself to receive the support you need to succeed. If you’re committed to seeing yourself as a failure, you’ll make sure to self-sabotage until that vision becomes your reality. You are the deciding factor during every part of your life. If at any time you want to change the circumstances you’re experiencing you must begin by changing the internal dialogue, the emotional resonance, and your willingness to be in alignment with your Divine source. Anything is possible but you must be in energetic agreement with it before it can become part of your awareness.
It’s inevitable that things will end, whether those endings become doorways to new opportunities is up to you
This means you’re the determining factor. It’s not other people or what’s happened to you that decides the outcome, it’s how you choose to interact with what is that matters. It’s inevitable that things will end, whether those endings become doorways to new opportunities is up to you. An ending says, “This is complete.” It does not say, “You are a failure.” You decide whether complete means you’re ready for something new and you’re proud of all that you’ve learned or whether you say, “I failed again, maybe it’s time to stop trying.”
Recognize it’s your energetic contribution that makes a difference
A new beginning is available at the start of each day. It comes as a blank slate waiting for you to decide how you want to influence it. Conversely, the end of every day does not have to include pain, worry, fear, or anxiety. Recognize it’s your energetic contribution that makes a difference. If you want a bright beginning honor yourself by looking for what’s right and focusing on everything that brings you joy. If you want a painful ending that will make you feel like a failure refuse to see how much you’ve grown and how worthy you are of receiving.
Allow yourself to learn from your experiences, to recognize what you’ve done well and what you’d like to change
There’s no outside force, nothing is out to get you, and there’s no reason to fear you’re a failure. Endings can be painful, life can hurt but the pain is not meant to destroy you. Allow yourself to learn from your experiences, to recognize what you’ve done well and what you’d like to change. Once you recognize you have completed but not failed, you’ll be able to open to new possibilities and bright beginnings.
I recently saw a Facebook post where the meme said “When I am driving in a rain storm, I carefully watch other people’s wiper speed to make sure I am not being too dramatic.” At first, I chuckled at the sentiment. We all have probably had the experience of having the speed of our wipers being either too slow or too fast. It can be hard to get it just right!
As I thought about the post, I found myself wondering how often we look to others for what we should or should not be doing. I believe that two potentially dangerous things happen when we compare ourselves to others. When we focus on other people’s wiper speed, we risk judging ourselves and judging others.
Judging OurselvesComparing ourselves to others is a dangerous thing to do. It is a flawed process that rarely leaves us in a good position. When we measure ourselves up against someone else, we most often compare our liabilities to their assets. Think about this for a minute!
When we look to others to measure how well we are doing, we are looking at their outsides. This is all we can see.
So, we look at their appearance, their clothes, their muscles, their speech, their behavior and more. We also may look at their possessions and all the things they have accumulated.
Then, we take that information and compare ourselves and what we have and are to that outward measure. However, we cannot help but add what we know about our “insides” to the equation. So, we compare only what we outwardly observe in others to what we are inward and outward. This is not a fair comparison.
I remember counseling with a friend as she told me about how inadequate and frustrated and overwhelmed she was. As part of her story, she began to tell me about another friend of ours who she wanted to be more like. She told me how much she admired her because she was so this and so that. She was saying her wiper blades were not moving at the right speed and this other woman had it figured all out.
Imagine my experience just a week later being in the home of that other woman. Her house was a mess, her hair was frazzled, and she vented about how hard her life was and how she was struggling to keep it together. Then, she did the most interesting thing. She brought up the first woman. What did she do? She admired and praised her while she delivered lashing to herself. She believed her wipers were moving at the wrong speed and the first woman had it all right.
What an ironic and instructive experience for me. I learned dramatically how painful we can make it for ourselves when we compare ourselves to others. It is rarely ever fair or rational to us or them. It hardly ever results in a positive feeling or self-improvement. Comparing our wiper speed to others rarely results in good and reliable data or feelings.
Judging OthersWatching what others do can also be quite problematic because it may lead to criticism, contempt, and even harsh treatment. What happens to us when we get so focused on what other people are doing? We can too easily lose perspective and become condemning and inappropriately judgmental. We are rarely good judges of what is going on. In fact, we may even be dramatic.
Watching what others do creates problems because we have to watch them through our windshield. We are limited by the lenses we look through. Our vision is likely clouded by our own storms and rain drops and bug guts! So, when we look out at others, we are highly likely to see ourselves as better than them. This is dangerous.
When we judge others we naturally become myopic or near-sighted. Let’s face it! It is quite easy to point out the bugs on someone else’s windshield and self-righteously condemn them for their lack of attention or knowledge or whatever. We tend to take out a magnifying glass when we look at others, not recognizing how we may not accurately see the whole. When we zero in on the behavior of others, we may see the proverbial tree and miss the forest.
The truth is, we simply do not know what other people are thinking, what they are going through, and what they may need. Often we do not know anything about their challenges, upbringing, and more. Simply, we do not know what storms they are driving through. So, we better judge carefully. Or better yet, we could resist the temptation to judge at all.
This is my New Year’s Resolution. I am going to get so focused on driving my own car that I don’t pay attention to what is going on in the car next to me. I am going to set my wiper speed at the best one I can find for me and let others do the same. There is great happiness in choosing to focus on what I know, need, and can do and let others do the same. I don’t need to look to anyone else for how I should be. Even more, I never need to judge someone else.
This may be a good measure of our happiness. Can you drive through that rainstorm without once looking to someone else’s wiper speed? When you are more concerned about your speed and the road you are on, then, you are really getting somewhere!
So, I might re-word that post to say something like “I am too busy focusing on getting through my own storms and challenges and blessings to be worried about the speed by which you are getting through yours.”
We are not going to be able to operate our Spaceship Earth successfully, nor for much longer, unless we see it as a whole spaceship and our fate as common. It has to be everybody or nobody.
~ Buckminster Fuller
Without a doubt, Bucky Fuller was a visionary and futurist. He cared deeply about humankind and this planet. Describing our planet as Spaceship Earth, he referred to each of us as its passengers. He also reminded us that Spaceship Earth came with no instruction book. Where we are headed as a species depends on how well we navigate, maintain and preserve the vessel upon which we are traveling and, to accomplish this, we need to work together at steering the vessel. When we make conscious and intentional choices to honor Mother Earth, we move from being passengers to crew members on this beautiful blue pearl of a planet—and we also ensure that our children’s children for seven generations to come will have safe and healthy passage aboard Spaceship Earth.
April 22nd is Earth Day—a day dedicated to the remembrance that we are each the one who make the difference regarding the future of our precious planet.
Bucky was correct in saying, “It has to be everybody or nobody.” With the immensity of the problems our planet faces, it’s overwhelming to consider the fact that we each have a role to play that is, in no way, insignificant. What can we do today to move from being a passenger to a crew member on Spaceship Earth? It begins by being mindful enough to make sure we are part of the solution, rather than the problem. We can start out by establishing just one simple practice we can commit to every day that allows us to add something positive to the planet. It might be something as simple as making sure our trash and recyclables get in the correct bins, or conserving water by turning off the faucet while brushing our teeth. Being a crew member on Spaceship Earth is not a difficult thing to do—it’s about intentionally living each day with a sense of gratitude for the gift of life itself and making reverence, mixed with a bit of humility, a daily mindfulness practice.
Consider the fact that the planet is a sacred living, breathing organism, just as we each are, and we literally draw our life essence from it, breath by breath, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. This also includes the food we eat and the water we drink that sustains our body. With a bit of help from the Creator, all that we are physically comes from Mother Earth. The question is, are we treating her as well as she is treating us? There are undoubtedly many ways to give back something life-affirming to the source that sustains and selflessly grants us life every day. Thinking about it this way makes every day Earth Day… and that is a beautiful thing.
Welcome to the crew.
Peace, Dennis
Which of these experiences resonate with you? Use this checklist to see if your life is being driven by an avoidance of feelings and emotions.
Do you…
- overthink
- people please
- control (yourself or others)
- manage conversations — pre-planning, pre-empting, second guessing, carefully crafting
- avoid conflict
- avoid topics that trigger you
- find emotions overwhelming
- feel calm, calm, calm then erupt
- power on through then collapse
- fawn and shrink assuming you’re less
- take responsibility, self-blame, self-judge
- over-work
- have a busy mind
- hold back from speaking up and engaging
- chase elusive work-life balance
- seek approval out there
- feel unworthy, incapable or unlovable
- have patterns in your life that inexplicably repeat
If you’ve said yes to even one of these, then you need to meet the emotions you’re avoiding.
Let me re-phrase that, you don’t ‘need’ to. But if you want an easier, more fulfilling, more peaceful, more whole-feeling life — both in yourself, and in your life — then you will want to meet and make friends with the emotions you’re rejecting.
It’s only by turning to face what we fear that we remember our wholeness, and then see that reflected everywhere.
So what do you want? Repeating patterns of experiences you don’t enjoy? Or freedom, ease and authentic expression?
I know my choice!
As soon as you choose YOU, everything else chooses you too. This is the season of YOU.
Much love, Helen
Have you ever done something in the heat of the moment that you regretted later? Maybe you were so overwhelmed with emotion like fear or anger or you were just so stressed out that you had a “what was I thinking moment?” Well, the explanation is that weren’t thinking.
You were hijacked.
The brain has two minds – one that thinks and one that feels? Your hand is a good model of the brain. The downstairs brain is in charge of survival. The upstairs part of the brain is in charge of rational thought. This is where the prefrontal cortex is and that’s the part of the brain that handles executive functions like planning, goal setting and insight.
The limbic system sits right in the middle, and that is where the amygdala is located. The amygdala is the emotional sentinel and it has a lot of power. Any strong emotion, anxiety, anger, fear, or betrayal trips off the amygdala and initiates a rush of stress hormones floods the body before the prefrontal cortex can respond.
Daniel Goleman coined the term amygdala hijack to explain how the downstairs brain takes over to survive and puts the upstairs brain – or the thinking brain on hold.
Neuroscientists have found an inverse relationship between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. When the amygdala is active with blood and oxygen, there is less activation in the prefrontal cortex. It’s like when we are really stressed or angry or upset, the brain sends all the fuel downstairs to the feeling brain rather than upstairs to the thinking brain. It’s kind of like losing 10 to 15 IQ points temporarily, which explains “what was I thinking?”
One way to prevent the amygdala hijack is to incorporate the practice of mindfulness into your routine. MRI scans show that after regular mindfulness practice, the amygdala appears to shrink and the prefrontal cortex becomes thicker and stronger.
The neural connectivity in the brain also changes. The connection between the amygdala and the rest of the brain gets weaker while the networks associated with attention and concentration get stronger.
So what exactly is mindfulness? Mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way on purpose, in the present, without judgment. While 20 minutes seems to be the gold standard, tuning in to your senses for a few minutes at a time can produce significant results, too. You can do this in a few simple steps.
- Take Notice. What are you paying attention to in that specific moment? Where is your head?
- Focus Inward. Give yourself permission to push everything else aside, even if what’s there is impatience or frustration, as you inhale for a count of 6 and exhale for a count of 6.
- Shift to your Senses. Feel the expansion and contraction of your lungs. What do you see, taste, feel, hear, and smell? Look for something you’ve never noticed before. What are you grateful for – in that moment?
- Savor the mindfulness that you’re experiencing.
That last step is what allows you to extend the psychological present and actually create neural connections in the brain.
We all get hijacked at times, but having an understanding of what’s actually happening in the brain is the first step in putting the thinking brain back in charge.
Have you ever caught yourself making a snap judgment about someone based on their clothing, accent, or even the music they listen to? We all have. Prejudice, aggression, and violence – these dark aspects of human behaviour seem ingrained in our nature. But what if they’re not inevitable? Let’s delve into the fascinating science behind these behaviours and explore ways to cultivate a more peaceful world.
Our brains are wired for efficiency. We categorize everything, including people. This “in-group, out-group” mentality served our ancestors well, uniting them against threats. However, in today’s diverse world, it can fuel prejudice. A 2022 study in Nature Human Behaviour found that the brain activates the reward centre more when people from our in-group succeed, but punishes betrayal from that same group even more harshly. We crave belonging, and negativity towards outsiders strengthens our internal bonds.
Economic hardship and social anxieties can be a breeding ground for prejudice. A 2021 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science revealed that people experiencing financial strain were more likely to hold negative attitudes towards immigrants. Fear of losing jobs or resources can make us see outsiders as a threat. Moreover, injustice breeds negative behaviour towards others. Though it can be justified yet it’s always advisable to take the high road. What’s the difference between someone who does wrong and someone who responded back the same way.
A constant stream of “us vs. them” narratives in news and social media can exacerbate these biases. Confirmation bias, our tendency to seek out information that confirms our existing beliefs, gets amplified in echo chambers online. This can lead to stereotyping and demonizing entire groups of people. People are different and will hold different opinions. It is not our job to diminish their identity or to develop a superiority complex. The person who downgrades others consistently reveals his/her insecurities. A confident person will always welcome diverse viewpoints.
From Jerk to Jewel!The good news is, our brains are also incredibly adaptable. We can combat these negative tendencies by Challenging stereotypes. When you find yourself making assumptions, question them. Actively seek out experiences that broaden your perspective. Reflect on why you get triggered by a specific person or situation. Acknowledge your own mistakes or improper behaviour. Stop playing the blame game. Be accountable and responsible.
Put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Read diverse stories, watch documentaries, and have conversations with people from different backgrounds. Acknowledge the fact that we all are different individuals, with our own unique strengths and weaknesses.
It is not always just about you or a single individual or organization. The world does not revolve around you. So, stop glorifying yourself and be humble. What you are blessed with today can be taken away from you tomorrow in the blink of a moment. So, there is nothing to feel so arrogant about. We never know what people are going through in their real lives, so it is always best to be kind.
Working or socializing with people from different groups can break down stereotypes and foster understanding. Communication is a powerful tool, provided you know how to use it. In this digital age, there is no excuse to not communicate properly. It is all about your willingness to invest in that relationship whether personal or professional. When people from different backgrounds open up we realize what was hidden and where we were blinded by prejudice, biases, and even arrogance. A person who struggles in life is far more stronger than one who gets everything easily.
Embrace The Power of “We”. By recognizing our shared humanity, we can build a more inclusive world.
Social psychologist Gordon Allport believed that intergroup contact is key to reducing prejudice. Schools and communities can play a crucial role in creating opportunities for positive interaction. When the foundation is strong, the structure is strong. True strength lies not in crushing dissent, but in the civility with which we engage it. A single act of civility can spark a ripple effect, weaving a tapestry of respect through the roughest of divides.
Prejudice, aggression, and violence may have roots in our evolutionary past, but they are not our destiny. By understanding the forces that shape our biases and actively promoting empathy and understanding, we can cultivate a world where “us” encompasses everyone. Civility is the bridge we build, not to surrender our ground, but to reach common ground.
Cracking the Code of Rudeness!Let’s take the example of why people troll: The Neuroscience Behind Online Nastiness. The anonymity of the internet seems to unleash a beast in some of us. Trolls spew vitriol, conspiracy theories run rampant, and civility takes a nosedive. Why are we so much meaner online than in person? It turns out, our dark side has a fascinating dance with technology, and the answer lies in the murky depths of our brains.
One culprit is the lack of social cues. Studies using eye-tracking technology show we focus less on emotional expressions online, hindering empathy. This disconnect from the human cost of our words emboldens us to be crueler.
Dopamine, the brain’s reward chemical, also plays a role. Upvotes, likes, and the notoriety of getting a rise out of others can trigger dopamine spikes, making negativity strangely addictive. Think of it as getting a twisted pat on the back for bad behaviour.
Social media algorithms can exacerbate the problem. They prioritize engagement, meaning inflammatory content often gets the most traction, creating echo chambers that reinforce negativity. It’s like being stuck in a room where everyone yells the loudest.
But there’s a silver lining. Research by Stanford University suggests virtual reality experiences that foster empathy can actually reduce prejudice. Imagine confronting your online persona head-on – a sobering thought!
Additionally, platforms that require real-name verification or gamify positive interactions could nudge users towards more constructive behaviour. Think of online badges for kindness or “cool down” periods before posting.
The internet is a powerful tool, and just like fire, it can be used for good or ill. Understanding the dark psychology behind online nastiness is the first step towards taming it. By harnessing technology’s potential to foster empathy and build better online communities, we can turn the tide of digital incivility and create a more humane virtual world.
A beautiful Mount Baker from North Beach in Port Townsend, Washington provides a great opportunity for reflecting and reducing stress.
Are “we the people” expecting politicians to save our children and restore family and community values? A politician’s job is to pass laws and spend taxpayers’ money.
Beware of giving politicians too much power. Hitler demonstrated how one man took over Germany, gradually becoming a nation of followers. Putin is today’s example of one man’s evil power to control people as he tries to extend his power beyond Russian borders. Could that happen in America?
The world will never see peace if we ignore the power of the human spirit.
Look around; what areas in your city have peaceful neighborhoods? Which neighborhoods have the most crime and violence? What is the problem? Single moms? Lack of responsible fathers? Out of control youth? Drugs and alcohol abuse? Homelessness? Prostitution and drug dealers? Have some neighborhoods become a sanctuary for criminal behavior? How are these problems being addressed?
Years ago, parents understood the power of faith and taught children the Ten Commandments. Today, according to the Hartford Institute, roughly 350,000 religious congregations in the U.S. must be involved and help unite the community as they demonstrate the power of “Love Thy Neighbor.” Neighbors used to be friends and help each other, which was a check and balance on young bullies and bad behavior in neighborhoods. Men counseled men, women supported women, and neighbors looked out for children. In other words, a strong sense of community offered support for everyone. Today, if children don’t have love at home, they look for love on social media, run away, or join gangs to find friends and community. Today’s lack of community has emboldened sex traffickers and gangs, costing taxpayers $655 Billion a year.
As a crime and violence prevention specialist, I can tell you these problems, for the most part, are not being addressed. We are a reactive society, but we must become a preventative society to keep our freedoms. Smaller cities have less crime and violence because people know each other and are involved in their communities. We can make that happen in big cities.
American taxpayers spend $220 million a DAY on child abuse and neglect as angry youth feel entitled to loot, set fires, disrespect police, and destroy their communities. There are two ways to help decrease city crime and violence and make cities safer.
Step 1.
America needs a spiritual awakening! Years ago, life in America was peaceful because most people had strong moral values and respected each other! All children are born with many gifts, including creativity, insights, a sense of humor, imagination, intuition, instincts, and a self-protective conscience that can keep them safe and healthy. Adults must work together to empower and support youth in staying emotionally centered and developing the 3C’s: courage, character, and a self-protective conscience so they don’t become bullies or victims.
Step 2.
Children need a healthy network of friends and neighbors to build trust and care about people so they don’t feel socially isolated and self-absorbed, which can lead to self-destructive behaviors. In some neighborhoods, people need to hire and pay “Neighborhood Safety Experts” who look like and speak the language of the community to help bring neighbors together. Responsible non-profits can work with the police to help with this project.
Everyone has a role to play if we want to make our families and neighborhoods safe places to live.
A spiritual awakening and people working together in neighborhoods could cut crime, violence, and gangs in half within ten years.
Consider this old Arabic Proverb. They asked the Pharaoh, “What made you a tyrant? He said, “No one stopped me.” It’s time to speak up and get involved. You only have three choices in life: Give up, give in, or give it your all. If we are going to remain free, it starts with you and me. When we focus on good, the good will increase.
In a democratic society, it is up to “we the people” to decide whether we will help strengthen our families, ensure the safety of youth, create peaceful neighborhoods, or watch the chaos in our communities! You decide!
The vast majority of doctors, originally strive to become doctors to help people…makes sense, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it seems, many get sucked into the system, and the SYSTEM engulfs them, and many, even most, lose their original focus, which can turn into a detriment for the patient. Dr. Nhu Truong actually became very ill from sepsis, which can be life-threatening, so she had an opportunity as a doctor, to see a medical situation through the eyes of the patient.
We are not so cold-blooded as to say to a person with pain that there is no such thing as pain. That is not our idea or purpose. We admit the fact. IT IS QUITE A DIFFERENT THING TO ADMIT ITS NECESSITY.
~ The Science of Mind, Ernest Holmes
When was the last time you had an intentional conversation with your precious earth-suit—the body in which you live? Yes, it can communicate with you and, if you are like me, it is likely that your body usually starts the conversation with some sort of pain or discomfort. It’s by no mistake that pain plays such an important role in our conscious evolution. Your body is continually vying for your attention because it is hard-wired to maintain longevity, growth, balance, and peace; it wants to remain your soul’s home for a long time and is willing to go to extreme lengths to make it so—even if it makes you miserable. Physical pain, eventually, will gain your undivided attention. The question is, are you listening when it knocks on your door—or do you ignore it and try to muffle its voice?
Many of us have forgotten the importance of this sensitive, fragile, irreplaceable, piece of hi-tech equipment we live in called the human body; we need it to exist. Spiritually speaking, we know we are not just our body; we know we are far more than a swirling mass of atoms, protons, and molecules manifesting as so many pounds of human flesh and bone. However, let us not underestimate the importance of this clay house we temporarily occupy. Our body exists in its own field of innate intelligence—it is profoundly wise and, at many levels, knows what it is doing; not only does it know how to gain our attention, it will attempt to heal itself when given the opportunity. Too often, when pain arises, we rush to the medicine drawer, liquor cabinet, refrigerator, or otherwise try to muffle the messenger with one substance (or activity) or another—anything to avoid it. NOTE: While the primary topic in this writing is “physical” pain, this does not diminish the importance of proactively listening to our emotional pain as well.
You Can Run But You Cannot Hide From Pain
“… the advice we usually get is to sweeten it up, smooth it over, take a pill, or distract ourselves, but by all means make it go away.”
~ Pema Chödrön
The body in which we each live is continually doling out visceral experiences that come with invaluable life-lessons attached. The quintessential question is, are we listening and learning the lessons as they come? Often, they show us how we mistakenly take our body for granted—so much so that we forget it has an expiration date. Often, we fail to pay attention to the messages until it’s too late.
Your Body Is On a Long-term LeaseThink of your body as an automobile because, in a manner of speaking, that is exactly what it is—a vehicle your soul-self leased to ride in on its journey through the terrain of the human condition. It has been said our body is very much like a carbon-based, biodegradable, disposable vehicle that requires regular maintenance as long as we continue to use it. The key is to remember that the warning light on the instrument panel that tells us when something needs our attention is pain. The metaphor being, while you understand you are not your automobile, you still make sure you service, fuel, and properly clean it regularly, yes? The question is, why would you treat your body any less mindfully than your automobile?
The Symbiotic Relationship Between Body and SoulThe practice, as Ernest Holmes infers, is to remember it is not ours to deny the pain but to transcend the need for it—which we can’t do until we understand why the pain is there.
Understanding we are not our body does not diminish to the fact that the soul-self needs the body (the vehicle) as much as the body needs a “pilot” (the soul-self). It is a very symbiotic relationship. The exquisite reality is the body offers the soul its initial point of contact with earth the day we are born; the human body serves as the ideal intermediary between “heaven and earth” for the extent of our earth journey. Then, when the time is right, the soul jettisons the body, which then returns to the natural elements from which it came while the soul returns to the mysterious infinite Ethers from which it came. Between those points of arrival and departure, our job is to deepen our skillfulness in listening to what the body is reporting to us without believing it is the sum of who we really are. Ah! The delicious dance of apparent duality which we must learn to master. Living in a human skin while always remembering it is not who we are is the practice of a lifetime; it is easier said than done. The challenge lies in understanding that we can’t receive the information our body is continually relaying to us until we learn to accept, honor, and love it just the way it is. It’s challenging to embrace the idea that your body—in its current condition—may be a teacher that has a message for you, especially if that condition is one of illness, malady, or a disability of some sort. This is a reality with which I learned to relate recently.
What Message Does Your Teacher Have For You?
“Our bodies are among the most willing and wise teachers. Unless you spend a large percentage of your time engaged in out-of-body experiences, your body shows up wherever you are. It can be an ever-present benevolent guide or a lifelong cross to bear. The decision is yours.”
~ Dr. Cherie Carter-Scott
If Life Is a Game, These Are the Rules
This past year, my body certainly has worked overtime to get my attention; the older I get, the more insistently it beckons me to pay closer attention to what it has to say. Recently, this truth became even more obvious after having a bike accident that left me with torn, fully separated rotator cuffs on both of my shoulders. The day after the (first) surgery the pain (and inconvenience of having my right arm strapped to my hip 24/7 for the first six weeks of recovery) was so overwhelmingly omnipresent I had no choice but to speak to my body and the pain it was holding. I knew I had to make peace with the messenger, and I knew it wouldn’t go away until I did. Even after a very intense conversation with my pain it still lingered—but with assistance from my prayer partner, doctor, and physical therapist it took on a more translucent or subtle presence which allowed me to observe it—to “be” with it while not being sucked into the drama of its all-consuming vortex. Rather than pushing back at the intense pain and railing against it I acknowledged its presence and that it had my FULL attention—and asked it to reveal the message it had for me. My prayer became, “Why are you here—what can I gain from this experience that will make the balance of my time living in this human skin a better, more fully expressed, productive, purpose-filled, joyful journey… and what do I need to learn from this experience so I don’t have to repeat it?” The layers of answers I received came in rapid-fire sequence—so I took notes of the conversation in bullet point fashion, which I now share with you; perhaps there is a message there for you as well:
Question (to the pain):Why are you being so persistent—what do I need to know more about you so you can be on your way?
Answer (from the pain):* Humility—you need to learn to be open to being served; to receive from others who extend themselves to you with no strings attached. * Compassion and Empathy—you need to hold a deeper sense of caring for others (as well as yourself) who are in pain and who suffer in ways you never imagined… until now. * Appreciation—for what is right with your body and the body of your relationships…and for the simple gift of your life; your blessings are abundant. * Gratitude—for your surgeon, including the skilled nursing staff and physical therapists—and for other “caretakers” (aka, my saint of a wife, as well as strangers on the street who went out of their way to ensure or ease my comfort). * Patience—for the natural healing process as it unfolds within this body, trusting as its innate wisdom leads the way—and patience with other people (both friends and strangers) courageously living with chronic pain with no end in sight. * Trust and Surrender—be willing to literally “Let go, and let God” and trust the process. Rather than push against the energy of this pain, transcend it by mindfully breathing deep into it and being present with—and in—your body. * Find the balance between being and doing—become more aware of the choices you make that have obvious consequences. When you can consciously “be here now” you merge your being with your doing and can witness your choices in the present moment where they usually serve you better. * Forgiveness—for yourself for inflicting such needless guilt, shame and pain on yourself—such as, “WTF were you thinking at 72 years of age when, of your own volition, you jumped on an electric bike that was bigger than you?” And, let’s not forget forgiveness for others who, over the years, have inflicted pain on you as well; they too, were your teachers. * Willingness—to know there is more to know on the other side of this experience and that it is not yours to deny the pain that comes into your life—but to listen to it; to use it to ascend, to live so mindfully proactive in your body that you no longer require the motivation of pain to shape a life truly worth living.
There were more responses to my question—but I trust you get my point. Often it is through our greatest pain, rather than our greatest pleasures, that we find our way back to the wholeness of who we came here to be. We just need to be still and listen for the guidance our pain offers. Kahlil Gibran, author of The Prophet, echoed these sentiments perfectly when he wrote,
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know your pain.
Sometimes it’s the deepest pains we suffer that can open us to receive the guidance we need to stay on the pathway. After all, that is why we came here in the first place—to go where the infinite pathway leads. Love your body, treat it well and listen carefully to what it has to say—it’s wiser than you know.
We should have more coffeehouses, more cafes, more “third places.” More places where people can get together that’s not work, not home, and where they can interact with people who are different from them.
~ Eric Weiner
I recognize, I acknowledge, and I am grateful. In French, these three concepts are expressed by one term: “Je suis reconnaissant.” A term that clearly captures my sentiment when it comes to the “third place” that we call Our Friendship Bench. I witness with amazement the magic that transpires week after week. I acknowledge that the magic is borne of the wonderful collection of human beings gathered. And I am grateful to play a small part in the humanity discovered within.
The Third Place: An Anchor of Community in Turbulent Times.In our fast-paced, fragmented modern world, we could all use an uncomplicated gathering spot to relax, make new connections, and be reminded of our common bonds as human beings. This is the role the “third place” plays in healthy community life. The term was coined by sociologist Ray Oldenburg to describe the core settings of public life outside the two usual environments of home (the first place) and work (the second place). Your third place could be the comfortable coffee shop where you’re greeted by name, the corner bar where you join friends for a pint, or the public park where you feed birds while chatting with familiar faces. These neutral gathering grounds serve as a lifeline of sociability in our increasingly impersonal and disconnected times. They are the “great good place,” as Oldenburg called them – welcoming homes away from home that help local communities preserve their identity and social ties.
With the stresses and uncertainty we all face today, having an accessible and accommodating third place is more essential than ever. It provides a calming anchor point, a hands-on reminder of community’s stabilizing presence beyond the impersonal realms of cyberspace and mass media.
In our third place, we are temporarily liberated from the roles, hierarchies, and StatusSphere performance pressures of the workplace and home life. We gather as equal human beings simply looking to make connections over lighthearted conversation and shared experiences. These equalizing places nourish human relationships and a sense of belonging at the grassroots level. They are the modern equivalent of the community well where generations gathered and bonded over mundane routines in a comfortable setting. This communion with familiar faces in a real-world setting is the antidote to social media’s superficial facsimile of connection.
In the words of Ray Oldenburg: “The nature of a third place is one in which the presence of a “regular” is always welcome, although never required. Membership is a simple, fluid process of frequent social contact, renewed each time by choice of the people involved. Eventually, social bonds develop through a type of informal intimacy. The important aspect of these relationships is that they occur outside of any commitment and exist solely in the realm of basic human respect.”
Make Our Place Your PlaceOur third place is called Our Friendship Bench – where more and more people have gathered for an hour or so every Thursday for the past four years. A place where we welcome new friends and old as we connect to a shared reality while cultivating that elusive sense of belonging craved by so many –now more than ever. We invite you to make OUR place YOUR third place. Grab your seat on our virtual Bench any Thursday or every Thursday. No costs. No rigid agendas. No sales pitches. No judgment. No kidding – just a bunch of good human beings rediscovering humanity at its best.
Meanwhile, take a moment to stroll throughthe special keepsake above (recommend that you download) –created to capture the “magic” of our Bench.
If you’re feeling stuck and you’re not quite ready to make peace with some aspect of your past, it might help to shift your perspective a little by asking conscious questions. Sit for a moment with something in your life that you want to move beyond. What questions are you asking? Maybe you’re asking, “Why did this happen?” or “What needs to be forgiven?” or “What did I do to attract this?” If you’re focusing on the pain and suffering, on what someone did wrong, ask yourself some different questions. For example, you can ask yourself, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about this situation? Is this perspective bringing me peace?” If the answer is no, then it might be time for some further questions, such as “What would it take to be free from this?” Sit with this again and again until you can hear the story, see the scene, and recognize how it fits into a larger script.
Ask yourself if it’s possible to live beyond that story. What would it feel like to let go of the story about a person or an event and overcome it? Take a deep breath. Question every point of view. Reflect on your true nature. Living in the question is a powerful practice that we can use to break free from old patterns and live a more conscious life. It’s a powerful tool for conscious creation because it trains you to question the points of view that influence what you notice and how you perceive what you call reality.
Most of us have been trained from a young age to solve problems and “find the answers”—whether that’s the answers on a test at school or the answers to life’s questions. We might even believe that finding the answers is our purpose in life. Many of us move into a spiritual practice with this same intention. We begin our practice by looking for the answers, thinking that if we can just “figure out the meaning of life,” we will be okay. Only the awareness of our true nature can end the mind’s incessant search for meaning.
Many people go through life looking for answers. But an answer-focused approach is steeped in ego; it can’t help but be infused with our personal desires because the thing we are trying to change, whatever that may be, depends on the answer.
We need the answer to work for us. So, whenever we end up finding an answer, it’s limited by our personal bias, our core false beliefs, and/or our judgments.
An answer-focused approach can create conflict on a personal level as well as a global level. When you believe that you have the answer but someone else sees it another way, that means they must not have the correct answer: “I am right, and you are wrong.” That approach creates external conflict. Or, if you believe that there’s an answer out there but that you are unable to reach it, or don’t deserve to reach it, then this creates internal conflict. Almost always, conflict comes from the notion that there is a right and a wrong answer, that someone has the answer and that other answers (and thus other people) are incorrect. Approaching life as a search for the answer can keep you stuck in the comfort zone of your core false beliefs and your small view of the world that assumes there’s only one way, one answer.
It can be challenging to let go of this approach. I certainly thought it was the way to look at things when I first came into spiritual practice. I figured there was a right way to believe and act, and if I could just figure it out, I would evolve spiritually. Then came a beautiful turning point. I don’t know if it was an event or a gradual process, but at some point, I began to open to the possibility that it’s not about coming up with the answer but about living in the question and opening to the great mystery. At some point, I began seeing my purpose not as spiritual growth toward some perfect state but as growing in awareness of a perfection that already is.
We might think of this in terms of science. We can view science as a discipline that shows us facts about the universe and gives us answers. But the answers that science gives are continually changing as scientists evolve. Ideally, science is endlessly open to ever-deeper understanding, and it doesn’t assume to know or even pursue an absolute answer. It’s more about examining questions. That’s what a scientific hypothesis is—a “what-if” question. So, living in the question is like living the scientific method, in an open stance that does not assume that the answers will stand for all time or for all people. Focusing on the question provides a distance between me (the person asking the question) and the answer (whatever it is that I find). Living in the question allows us to approach things from a position of curiosity rather than apprehension, of play rather than urgency.
How exactly do we go about living in the question? It’s quite simple: We ask ourselves open-ended questions that do not start with Why but rather Who, Where, What, When, and How. Our questions might be “Where did this come from?” “Who taught me this?” “How has it been reinforced?” “What does it look like? Feel like?” “Where does this feeling lead me?” “How can I discover what is mine to do?” Being open-ended, these questions cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. They don’t claim to have a simple answer. Life is more nuanced than that. With open-ended questions, we are less likely to create answers based on past experiences and more likely to open to new possibilities. We can open rather than contract. And we can begin to question the situations and stories from our past that have kept us feeling stuck.
Why no “Why” questions? Because Why questions tempt us to immediately search for the answer. With Why questions we’re subtly telling ourselves that there’s some explanation, and if we can just figure that out, things will shift, and life will get better. (It’s interesting that most of the questions we ask from a victim mentality are “Why” questions. “Why is she like that?” “Why are people so stupid?” “Why is this happening to me?” “Why does he treat me like that?”) Why questions often assume that we have been wronged. They assume not only that there is a right answer but that the answer involves our victimization, or our wrongdoing. They close off other possibilities. And if there’s only one answer, then there seems to be only one option. This is the kind of thinking that traps us and limits our freedom.
When we live in the question, we’re not focused on finding the answer. We’re opening to the possibilities, finding a way to expand our consciousness to awaken to a broader view of ourselves and the world.
It’s an expansion of our awareness. When we live in the question our focus is not on change or improvement or reaching some ultimate goal. Our focus is on expanding our awareness of what else is possible. Answers contract. Questions expand.
Here are some ideas for starting this practice: You might bring an open-ended Who, What, Where, When, or How question to your meditation practice. Ask this question and pay attention to what you experience physically, mentally, and emotionally. Stay open to the awareness this brings. In another exercise, you can sit in front of a mirror or face a partner. Set the timer for three minutes, and then present the question to your reflection in the mirror, or have your partner ask you the question. Over the set time, stay open to whatever awareness comes to you. After each short answer comes to you, repeat the question.
Another practice is to focus on a question throughout the day. Pick a question the night before or as soon as you wake up. Then live in that question as you move through your day. For example, if today’s question is, “What more is there for me to see?” then throughout the day you will sit with that question. While you’re in the shower, while you’re waiting for an appointment or sitting in traffic, while you’re preparing dinner, you’ll ask yourself the question and see what organically emerges.
I also again invite you to notice if your questions are empowering or disempowering. If you observe yourself asking disempowering questions, you might want to replace them with questions that open you up to more possibilities rather than cause you to shut down. For example, if you have noticed relationship patterns that feel stuck, you might find yourself asking questions like “Why does this keep happening to me?” or “What’s wrong with me?” By making yourself the victim or the villain, these questions will only reinforce your core false beliefs. More empowering questions might be: “What story does this pattern tell?” “What role do I play in this story?“, “What is the truth of who and what I am?” “How can I allow this to move me forward in my life?” Notice how these questions open you up to the infinite possibilities that this situation contains.
When we live in the question, we might still be interested in answers but not in absolute answers. We allow the question to settle deep into our consciousness, and we wait for possible information. We pay attention to all the places the information might originate. The initial awareness might come from the mind and then it might seem to come from the gut and then from the heart space and then from a much deeper place. My hope for you is that, as you live with the question, possibilities will come to you from a greater place, from a place of acceptance, wholeness, and transformation.
Now, you may be ready to move forward and truly make peace with your past. “I am willing to see this differently. I am light. I am love. I am peace.” Keep sitting in silence with that piece of the past, that thing you want to overcome. Open yourself to other questions, other perspectives. Remind yourself that every moment is an opportunity for you to choose to close off or to open to source, to your unharmed and unharmable self. It’s an opportunity to tap into the powerful invisible realm and start the process of bringing it into your life and into the world. You can come home to yourself and experience ever-present wisdom.
Every Thursday almost without fail when the clock clicks over to 11:30, I click a Zoom link and join a group of outstanding, smart, engaging, warm, wonderful people at Our Friendship Bench.
As a big anniversary approaches for ‘The Bench,’ we fortunate members have been asked to submit a short piece on what The Bench means to us, and why we keep coming back.
I’m honored to be a part of the Bench and as I said, barring wind, rain, dark of night, or plague of computer virus I click the link every Thursday for 60 more minutes of time with my Bench buddies. Why is that?
A few reasons. Someone once said ‘if you’re the smartest guy in the room you’re in the wrong room.’ Bench is thus just the right room for me, as I learn so much every week, gemlike insights into human behavior, reaction, perspective, or resolution. My life has been characterized by an ever-growing and ever more intense desire to know more, more, and yet more. I’m gathering in as much knowledge and hopefully wisdom as possible before the long, dark, and utterly silent night overtakes me, putting a stop to my search. The Bench serves that purpose.
Our Friendship Bench is perhaps the only place I’m able to be utterly vulnerable and openly-sharing with my own feelings and opinions, no matter the topic. To experience criticism or rejection there is inconceivable.
But what brings me back to that Zoom link every Thursday morning is something I realized only recently. The Bench is not transactional. There is give and take, for certain, but never with a commercial and/or monetary bent. No one is required to contribute; no one is discouraged from it. All of us are there for the warm and wonderful opportunity not found in many places today, a venue where we can truly be ourselves, without fear or favor, and are accepted.
It really is that simple, and that rare. The origin of the Bench goes back to pre pandemic times, remember those? Then we found ourselves benched by a microscopic coach demanding an oxymoronic social distancing. So thanks, Dennis and Ali for the welcome, and the amazing experience. Thursdays will never be the same.
Editor’s Note: Grab your seat alongside Byron and so many others any Thursday at 11:30 AM Eastern HERE
Welcome to this week’s mindful moment. Today, we’ll explore the discomfort, difficulty, and sometimes pain associated with overwhelming feelings. It’s completely normal to experience a sense of anxiety, whether it manifests as an angst in your belly or tightness in your chest.
Consider these emotions as the ebb and flow of the tide, coming in, staying for a while, and eventually receding. Often, our instinct is to resist these feelings, fighting against the discomfort. However, I want to gently encourage you to allow yourself to feel these emotions; they are vital to your overall well-being.
Attempting to push against overwhelming emotions can inadvertently create more pain and suffering. Instead, try acknowledging these feelings with love and understanding. In today’s moment of mindfulness, we’ll practice a simple exercise to help you connect with yourself during such moments.
Close your eyes or choose a soft gaze.
Bring your awareness to the natural flow of your breath. Notice the complete inhale and exhale.
As you inhale, say to yourself, “I do my best.”
With the exhale, affirm, “I let go of the rest.”
Use this exercise whenever you feel overwhelmed, anxious, or stressed. The goal is to become aware of these feelings and consciously choose a practice to assist you in processing them, fostering resilience.
Remember, awareness is power.
"Remember, people respect the wise, who have the courage to live with integrity at all levels." ...
"We can look into the rearview mirror and smile with a grateful heart, knowing old age is not a slow march into enemy territory; it’s a necessary glide path to the next great “yet to be” and that is a beautiful thing." ...
"You can keep pondering on which thing to do first or which path to take or by simply taking action now of most any kind, you may just find yourself on the way to where you most needed to go." ...
"I suppose writing my heart out consistently for almost a year has brought me here - to this place of reflection. In doing so, I’ve been able to wade through the current as it forces me to stop and take stock." ...
"New research shows that fidgeting, long dismissed as a bad habit, may help you maintain a healthy weight, lower stress, and potentially even extend your life." ...
"This is an episode that will make evident that is not about what happens to us, is about how we react to what happens to us." ...
"Journaling is possibly one of the simplest yet most profound tools to enhance well-being on all levels." ...
"Homeless individuals belong to a ‘population’ teetering on the edge of an abyss filled with pain and poverty." ...
"Please never allow one little mistake to cause you to believe that nothing is good. Correct what you need to correct and cherish and nurture all that is still good."
"When we see ourselves as innocent, and not having a better way to respond until now, we can allow ourselves to recognize our own internal experience." ...
"It’s not a choice. Not everyone who’s homeless is a drug-addict or in need of mental health care. Most are normal people who’ve been knocked down, and it can happen to you too." ...
"If there was ever a time to live in a more kind, loving, and connected world, with faith in the God of our understanding, it is now ... "
Desire is an inside job because your desires are allowed to constantly change. What I desire depends greatly on my mood, what is happening around me, my partner’s mood, and even what stage of life I am in.
For many, keeping tabs on what you crave is considered a job. And well, It is a worthy task to try to shift that lens. It also takes acknowledgment that it definitely takes time, intentionality, and space to tune your ear to what may be swirling in your deep darks.
So here are some of the ways you can take on this exploration and in time perhaps not see it as a job but begin to see it as nourishment, care, and love.
Firstly, we need to acknowledge and accept desires as a part of who we are, no matter what those desires are, they are part of who we are. We also have to give ourselves permission to change what we desire depending on where we are in our lives. This acknowledgment and permission will be required for this journey to be rich and meaningful for you.
What steps can we explore in pursuit of desire in a responsible and ethical way?
Identify your DesiresEasier said than done I think! But spending time reflecting on what you truly desire in life should be a lifelong journey. This requires you to get in touch with your own feelings and emotions on a regular basis. Journaling, meditating, or talking with a trusted friend or coach can help you identify your desires. I, of course, love wondering out loud about this – so you can always reach out.
It is really about connecting to what fills us, what excites us, what leaves goosebumps on our skin, or even what brings a little devil to the surface. This cannot be done with a pen and paper, it needs to be done with action in trust-filled environments.
Own your DesiresOnce you have identified possible desires, accept them as an experience that could further develop who you are. Don’t be ashamed or guilty about what you want. Exploring independently is often the best way to get a true gauge of what is possible. So I highly recommend reading relevant books, taking courses, developing an introductory relationship with something that peaks your interest, etc.
This may require you to step outside of your comfort zone and take risks so break your desires down into smaller, achievable experiences and take steps towards honouring yourself each day.
Be Ethical Pursuing your desires in a responsible and ethical way means taking into account the impact your actions may have on others. Make sure you’re not hurting or taking advantage of anyone else in the pursuit of your desires. So very often this requires conversations. Please have them. Finding the words can be hard – so here are some ways of starting that conversation.
“WOW, I had a dream last night that was kind of saucy…..”
“Listen to this passage from the book I’m reading…”
“I have a little idea I want to share with you..”
Learning ExperiencesPursuing your desires may not always go according to plan – that’s why I talk so very often about having a Plan B and going in with the right mindset that includes: Curiosity, Exploration, and Consent. When setbacks occur, take stock and learn from them.
What about this experience was amazing?
What piqued my interest that is new?
What am I most proud of learning?
Remember, taking ownership of your own desires requires self-awareness, courage, and a willingness to take action. It’s okay to ask for help along the way and to adjust your course if needed. Taking responsibility for your own desires can be a powerful way to live a more fulfilling and authentic life and much less about a job you have to do.
Did you know that there is a marked difference between your inner critic and self-bullying?Your inner critic shows up through the words we say to ourselves during moments of frustration, angst, and despair. Self-bullying goes beyond this to behaviours we engage in which we bully ourselves and they are more damaging because we fail to recognise these behaviours in ourselves or even consider them motivating!
For example, we look at overachievers and admire them. But what really drives an overachiever? The need to find their worth and value in their achievements, if they don’t meet their goals, they feel like a failure. Are we really what we do?
What about an underdog? They thrive on proving others wrong but here’s the real question, would they have set out to prove naysayers wrong if no one doubted their abilities? They give their personal power away to the opinion of others. The need to prove others wrong doesn’t come from self-belief, it comes from self-doubt. Think about this – if we truly believed in ourselves and our abilities, would we feel the need to prove others wrong?
Being an obliger is another way in which we bully ourselves – avoiding tension, and keeping the peace but battling a raging war within ourselves because we choose not to speak our truth.
There are other ways in which we bully ourselves because of our Thought Processes and our Uniqueness (e.g. an Exhorter engaging in attention-seeking behaviour – causing drama. Afraid to take action/worry wart/fretter/nervous Nellie). This is something I teach extensively in my Uniqueness workshop.
So, why aren’t we able to stop these behaviours? Are we even aware of them?
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE INNER CRITIC AND SELF-BULLYING?
In order to understand the difference between the inner critic and self-bullying, it is important to understand how our brains work. Imagine driving a car. What do you control? The brakes, the accelerator, the clutch if you are driving a manual transmission, and the steering wheel. What do you have no control over? The engine, how the oil ensures the engine runs smoothly, and how the gas gets to the engine to turn it over.
We have direct control of only 10% of the functions of the car and no direct control over 90% of the other functions. That is how our brains work – we have direct access and control over 10% of our brain (the conscious brain) and no direct control or access to the remaining 90% of our brain (the unconscious brain).
Our behaviours come from the unconscious brain which we have no direct access to or control over. This is why we are unaware of self-bullying behaviours. Self-criticism comes from the conscious brain which we have direct access to and control over and hence are aware of the way we speak to ourselves. Furthermore, we rationalize our unconscious behaviour consciously, we condone/justify the bullying behaviour and hence are unaware that it is bullying.
The inner critic is a voice that speaks to us harshly often in response to an immediate external event – mistakes, failures, self-doubt, insecurities, etc. It is from the conscious brain. We are somewhat aware of how we speak to ourselves. “I am so stupid, I am dumb, I am an idiot, what’s wrong with me, I should’ve known better!” Sound familiar?
Self-bullying are behaviours that are run by the unconscious brain – we are actually not immediately aware of these behaviours because of this. These behaviours are usually not in response to an immediate external event though it is built up as a response to a series of external events. Self-bullying is usually a way of self-guarding from feeling hurt or disappointed, judged or rejected and because of this, we convince ourselves that these are motivational behaviours and not bullying. Self-bullying behaviour is one response to silence negative self-talk, the other is embracing a growth mindset.
WHY ARE WE NOT AWARE OF THESE BEHAVIOURS?
There are two main reasons why we are unaware of these behaviours, the first is mentioned above – our unconscious brain is the source of all of our energy, has an accurate record of everything that has ever happened to us, and is where our behaviours come from. We aren’t consciously aware of these behaviours and in addition to this, these behaviours come across as motivational and even inspirational. Because we consciously change them and try to ignore our unconscious when it makes us uncomfortable. We try HARDER.
Let me ask you this: Have you ever walked into a room and forgotten what you wanted to do? Have you ever tried to put the milk in the pantry? Have you ever written 2022 instead of 2023 for the first few weeks in January of a new year?
This is known as the Regulation Thought Process. When operating in this thought process, we are distracted and on autopilot. We have no thoughts or too many thoughts, making us unable to focus on a thought.
During the Regulation thought process, we are very likely to engage in self-bullying behaviours because we are distracted and unable to focus on what we are actually saying and doing resulting in us being unable to understand the consequences thereof. It turns out, people are in this Regulation thought process 94% of the time!
HOW DO WE COMBAT THE INNER CRITIC VS. COMBATING SELF-BULLYING?
In order to combat the inner critic, we need to address the harsh things we are saying to ourselves. What makes this somewhat “easier” is the fact that we are comparatively more aware of how hard we can be on ourselves because we are consciously aware of how we speak to ourselves. We can trace how we embraced and caused the thought process.
When I work with those who are mean or harsh to themselves, I like to ask a few questions to help them address this negative self-talk. For example: What is my negative automatic thought? Can I prove that this thought is true 100% of the time? Is this thought leading to healthy feelings and behaviours? How am I likely to feel and act if I continue to think this way? What evidence can I find against this thought? Has this belief worked for or against me in my life? Does this belief help me or restrict me in life? Would I encourage a friend to speak to themselves in this way?
COMBATING SELF-BULLYING
In my experience, self-bullying rears its ugly head often when we are consciously trying to achieve goals, avoid tension/criticism or disprove others/prove something to ourselves, and our unconscious responds with a behavior that we didn’t choose. Instead, we rationalize its value so we can continue moving forward, embracing the self-bullying without being conscious of it.
What is important to note is that whatever goals one sets out to achieve through self-bullying WILL be attained/achieved which is why self-bullying often wears the mask of self-motivation. The healthy way to achieve goals is through embracing a growth mindset. What sets a growth mindset apart from self-bullying is the intention (cause) of the actions we take in order to achieve our goals.
I would like to demonstrate this through two examples:
Recently, I was invited to attend a workshop and when I looked at the date and time of this workshop, my initial thought was, “I don’t want to go, I can’t make it, there’s too much going on around that time.” The workshop was scheduled to take place two days before my kids went back to school, it would run through dinner prep time and I wasn’t familiar with the part of the city where this workshop was being hosted.
If I were to bully myself into attending this workshop, this is what it would look like:
The cause of tension: Taking a chance to meet new people and doing a lot of work to get there.
Comfortable Result (excuse not to go): it is two days before the kids start school, the location is too far, it is late in the day, I won’t be back in time to make dinner etc. So I can choose to stay home instead because I have “valid” reasons not to go.
Self-bullying approach: Telling myself to do it, forcing myself to do it to prove that I can do it for the effect (not the cause) – the effect of not feeling FOMO, the effect of not wanting to lose out on the opportunity to network, the effect of not having regrets or what people will say about me.
If I were to approach attending this workshop with a growth mindset, this is what it would look like:
The cause of tension: Taking a chance to meet new people and doing a lot of work to get there
Growth Result: Build connections, learn something new, and build confidence driving to a new part of the city.
Growth mindset approach: This is an opportunity to network, to meet new people, to learn something new. I will figure the rest out (dinner, school etc.).
What is worth noting is that I decided to attend the workshop either way but the WHY (the cause of why I attend it) would differentiate whether it is self-bullying or a growth mindset. The end result would be the same – attending the workshop but the difference between self-bullying and a growth mindset lies in the cause/ the WHY of attending it.
The second story I wish to share comes from Andrew. In his words:
“When I was in high school I struggled with my mental health, but my teachers often could tell that I was gifted in my intelligence. They pushed me to try honors courses.
But when I took honors chemistry my teacher didn’t have patience for me loafing off. He made jokes at my expense and I felt stupid. After that class, I didn’t have to take any more science classes, but I wanted to prove him wrong because I felt bullied by him so I enrolled in physics, which was spoken of as the hardest class in the school by the student body.
I fell in love with the field of physics and that’s what springboarded me into engineering and getting deeper into science.
Because my teacher bullied me, I found a field of study that I got energy from intrinsically. That never happened from the teachers who tried to encourage me even though I was a mess. Comparing those two scenarios could easily cause someone to come to the conclusion that bullying works.
But I was still a mess! I continued to struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts for the next five years until I learned to deal with my own thought process.”
Take note, Andrew took on the hardest class in school to prove his chemistry teacher wrong. This is a self-bullying approach – trying to prove others wrong. What would this have looked like had he embraced a growth mindset to take physics?
The cause of tension: Being misunderstood and bullied because of being gifted in intelligence.
Growth Result: Exploring an area of science that would cultivate and nurture Andrew’s gifts.
Growth mindset approach: Seeing physics as an opportunity to cultivate, nurture and explore the extent of Andew’s gifted intelligence.
Note, the end result is the same – Andrew still would have springboarded into engineering and science but the cause (the reason WHY) he chose to do it would’ve been different resulting in him being in less of a mess than he was when he bullied himself into it.
In conclusion, I feel it is important to differentiate between combating the inner critic and combating self-bullying because how we address each is different. Furthermore, self-bullying is a silent bully who wears the mask of inspiration and motivation which is celebrated and encouraged.
Are you wondering what the harm is in bullying yourself into achieving your goals vs. having a growth mindset? After all, either way, you achieve your goals, right? From my personal experience, self-bullying eventually results in burnout.
How do you approach goals? Are you bullying yourself into achievement by disguising it as motivating yourself?
I‘ve joined our local YMCA. I’ve joined because my physio is getting frustrated with me and he’s a really nice guy trying to do the right thing and I don’t want to let him or myself down.
I had an operation to repair a torn Achilles tendon last year and whilst the operation was a success, my rehab is proving difficult and that’s because I don’t do the work that I need to. But I do want to fully recover and I do want to be able to wear high heels again and I simply cannot face turning up and bullsh*tting my physio anymore.
So, I joined the YMCA because it has a gym and strengthening classes and I like the welcoming, easygoing vibe there, as well as the great cafe, vast array of activities, and fab value for money – but most of all I like the people who remembered my name from the first day I turned up and make me feel seen and wanted.
And after I joined, I noticed that in addition to all of the sport-based classes, there were also community-based classes and one of those was ballroom dancing.
Now, many years ago, when I was a very young child maybe 7/8 years old, I used to go to ballroom dancing lessons every week with one of my older sisters and I remember really liking them because I got to spend time with my sister and the teacher said we were good. So, I signed up and persuaded my sister to come along with me, so we could re-live those precious times in spite of the passing of years.
And yesterday was our first class.
And we loved it.
We learnt the basic steps to the ‘cha cha cha’ along with a little ‘New York’ move as it’s known in the trade and we got very excited about learning the whole ‘cha cha cha’ routine over the coming weeks. The class was just one hour of our time at a cost of £3, but the return on this investment was simply priceless. In fact, it was one of the most fulfilling and productive hours I think I’ve ever spent – we laughed, we learned something new and we remembered who we were before we succumbed to the narrative that life imposed on us.
And the point of this post is to say that we will always have to face challenges in life, very often unfair, random, and wounding, but that does not mean we need to be defined by them.
We can always choose to return to a more genuine state, to remind ourselves of who we really are, to re-visit what brings us genuine joy and therefore freedom. And it does not matter if we can only do this for a short while, because it is not the duration or even frequency that matters, it is the awareness that we have this ability, this choice, that no matter what life dictates, our minds belong to us and us alone and no matter how rough the storm is, we will always enjoy the calm of the sunshine, as long as we know where to find it.
And that is what ballroom dancing gave to me and my sister yesterday – our very own sunshine.
So, please have a think about your ‘ballroom dancing’ equivalent and do it, just as soon as you can.
With love
Nik x
I remember calling my father many years ago and asking him about the time change (Daylight Savings Time).
I wasn’t sure whether I needed to set my clock forward an hour or back an hour. After he confidently gave me his answer, I questioned him, “Are you sure?” Being the subtle character that he was, my dad said to me, “Why did you call me if you did not plan to believe the answer I gave to you?” This experience has stayed with me most of my adult life, for I reflect about it in a deeper way now. He was right, of course. Why would I call upon him if I did not have faith and trust in his answer? From various experiences with him in my youth, my father had rarely witnessed my total trust in him. I had seen him respond to so many events in such a reactive and insane way that I could never completely relax, let go, or be myself around him.
It took his death to open my heart and fully engage in the gifts he had offered me. He gave me the ability to communicate with anyone, to connect immediately with strangers (this is definitely a skill), the openness to always seek a solution, the strength to persevere, and the ability to move beyond “no” as the final answer to bravely and confidently discover what was before me. This experience with my father touched me, yet I was guided to apply the lesson to a deep spiritual level. What about my Creator, Spirit, God? Why do I similarly call upon this amazing presence if I am unwilling to believe in the answers that I receive?
Why do we take time to pray if we do not trust our answers? And why would we not totally trust the same energy which we are made of? Why are we so willing to listen so quickly to the opinion of anyone else, even though he or she may not model the answers we are seeking?
An Enlightened Rebel understands the immense value of trusting the inner core and wisdom which comes from a power greater than themselves. It is time for a TIME change, and we are the ones to move it forward.
What is it that has us needing to ‘know’ what is going to happen before it even happens? We used to love the experience of not knowing as children – we loved being surprised! Each breath was filled with magic and wonder as we interacted with the world around us. Each moment was new, and all possibilities were open to happening in our lives.
These days, as an adult, I see so many people struggle with themselves at work or school, feeling less than, unimportant, or cast aside when they don’t ‘know’ what is going to happen. They fear that not knowing could keep them from having a choice in the future. Needing to know before it happens can limit our experience as we bring all of our unmet expectations to the unknown situation. Most of us want to know about how and when things are going to happen – those things we want and those we don’t want. Knowing in advance is a common strategy of the ego trying to keep us safe and protect us from harm. The strategy goes like this – if we can build a story now about what is going to happen later, then we can use that story to stay safe and have choices when the situation happens. It gives our ego the illusion that we have a choice by knowing in advance so we can decide what is the best upfront, instead of responding with our preference during the actual experience.
While planning is helpful, we often miss the richness of a new experience by leading with our expectations. For instance, if we go into a public space anticipating people to respond in a judgmental way, we may go into that experience feeling guarded and reticent to engage with others. As a result, we may come off as aloof or snotty because we have an assumption that we need to be cautious and limit our connection with others to protect ourselves. In another example, If I take a self-care trip to recharge and reset with my natural rhythm but plan every moment of the getaway, it defeats the purpose. Without allowing time for ‘not knowing’ or ‘just being’ I never come back to my natural rhythm.
What if we could go into each new experience innocent, knowing we can choose what is best for us based on what we know in each moment?
If we let go of needing to know the future and allow ourselves to ‘go with the flow’, the possibilities are endless! Trusting that we can honor what is right for us moment-to-moment, opens our lives to a newfound sense of adventure and excitement unbound by the limits of expectations. What is happening right now is perfect and if the next moment doesn’t feel the same, I trust myself to honor and do what is most loving to me when that moment comes.
Can you shift from needing to know to being in the flow today?
The tendency to see what you expect to see, to project your core beliefs outward, is very powerfully manifest in what you say, in your words. So, if you’re walking around believing, “I am a mess” or “I am a loser,” or “I am unattractive,” then chances are you will also say these things, in one way or another. And the very act of verbalizing this false belief reinforces those fundamental lies about who and what you are. And of course, from there, the tendency is to seek relief in all types of detrimental external behaviors. Therefore, it’s important to recognize the power of language, specifically the power of the “I am.” What you attach your “I am” to is quite powerful. Every time you say (or think), “I am _______ (a drunk, boring, stupid, etc.),” you reinforce a lie about yourself. In my counseling work, when I can help someone move from “I am” to “I have,” there is often a powerful shift.
For example, some years ago my friend Gavin told me that he had been saying “I am depressed” for a long time and had recently come to realize what he was saying. Once he noticed this, he also realized that the more he continued to believe and express the belief, “I am depressed,” the more depressed he felt. But when he shifted to saying, “I have depression” or “I feel depressed,” everything began to change. He was able draw the important distinction between being depressed and having the experience of depression. Saying “I have depression” allowed him to start to see the depression as something nonessential and changeable, rather than as something fundamental to his identity. This opened him up to his essential self, his true self, which wasn’t depressed. This true self was beyond the symptoms of depression.
Gavin’s story had a profound impact on me and dramatically shifted the way I work. I started to work on helping people shift from statements like: “I am an addict,” “I am broken,” “I am damaged in some way,” to “I have these things about myself that want to be healed.” A profound healing realization can happen when we make that shift because, for the first time, we have identified the truth of who and what we are not as brokenness, but as something else, something more positive and powerful.
In other words, when we can finally shine some light on our inner dialogue and witness that these seemingly broken portions of ourselves are not essential, but are changeable, then we can start to open to the possibility that our true self is something much more profoundly beautiful and whole.
My invitation to you today is to take a moment and really ask yourself, “How am I speaking to myself? What am I attaching my ‘I am’ to?” My hope is that it will be possible to shift that language to something that’s more accurate and that the distinction that this creates will make further room for what you genuinely are: “I am whole and perfect; I am love; I am lovable.” Just imagine what might happen if you were to shift this focus from something that seems broken about yourself into something that supports your wholeness and healing.
If you’re feeling lonely, the natural thing to do might be to seek out company: to call a friend or say yes to a hangout. But, counterintuitively, a new study finds that if we’re very lonely, being around other people may not actually help us feel any better.
Degrees of lonelinessAcross three studies, researchers surveyed over 3,000 people in Germany and the U.K. about their daily experiences. In one study, people recalled events from the day before; in the other studies, people received pings by phone up to seven times a day and filled out mini-surveys about what they were doing and how they were feeling in the past hour. In each, the researchers found that people who felt lonelier had lower well-being in that moment (in terms of the kinds of emotions they were feeling, like happiness, anger, sadness, and boredom, as well as their sense of satisfaction and meaning). That wasn’t surprising.
What was surprising is that this pattern was even stronger when people were in a social situation, when we might expect to be protected from the pain of loneliness.
“Simply spending time with others . . . may even backfire,” write researchers Olga Stavrova and Dongning Ren of Tilburg University in the Netherlands.
Here’s another way to look at the findings: On average, people felt better when they were with others. But that wasn’t the case for people feeling very lonely, who either felt the same or worse when they were around other humans.
The burden of lonelinessWhy? The third study, conducted five months into the COVID-19 pandemic, suggested two reasons why being around others might not comfort us when we’re feeling lonely.
First, people feeling lonely had a greater desire to be alone—and the more they wanted solitude, the worse they felt, especially when they were in a social situation.
“The presence of others or having to engage in social interactions under these circumstances might feel particularly burdensome and aggravate the unpleasant feeling of loneliness,” write Stavrova and Ren.
On top of that, people feeling lonelier had more negative social interactions, which also seemed to contribute to how bad they felt. When we’re lonely, the researchers explain, we may act in ways that make socializing less fulfilling than it could be.
“Loneliness predisposes people to approach social interactions with cynicism, distrust, and an expectation of rejection and betrayal [which] might in turn negatively affect other people’s behavior towards them,” write Stavrova and Ren.
“Loneliness might make it harder to establish a true sense of connection with others. Having to socialize with others without achieving a sense of connection might feel particularly draining and meaningless, damaging one’s psychological well-being.”
Find a way that works for youDoes this mean that social interaction can’t help the lonely?
Certainly not. This study included all kinds of social interaction, from having a conversation with a friend to simply being in line at a grocery store. It’s possible that certain types of social interactions are helpful when we’re lonely—like getting emotional support from a trusted confidant—and others are not.
We also shouldn’t discount the value of solitude. If lonely people need some time alone to cope and feel better, there’s nothing wrong with that. “Research on solitude suggests that being alone can be functional, allowing individuals to regulate their emotions,” write Stavrova and Ren.
Overall, this study is a good reminder of how complex loneliness is; it’s more of a state of mind than a simple indicator of how many connections we have. The triggers for loneliness change across our lifetime, and it can’t be easily solved by getting out of the house.
In fact, a review of studies found that the best strategy might be to teach ourselves to question our automatic negative thoughts, like blaming ourselves for feeling bad or thinking that no one wants to be our friend.
Hopefully, all this can help us be a bit more understanding to others when they suffer from loneliness, and to ourselves, as well.
Your life partner whom you can never run away from is not your spouse, your child, your parent, or your friend. It’s yourself. If this is a reality – which you and I both know is the reality – then why not have a better relationship with yourself?
Why? Because as you deepen your relationship with yourself, your self-love grows. And accordingly, the quality of your life improves. As simple as that.
Disliking yourself and feeling shame, guilt, and blame toward yourself, is not different from harboring the same feelings for someone else. The difference is this: you can walk away from someone you don’t like, but you cannot walk away from yourself. Therefore, reaching out to your inner child and addressing the diminishing feelings it is surrounded by might be the right path to a happier life.
Three life-changing habits that you can practice now – for free –You know which ones I have in mind as you have been bombarded by many about them: meditation, journaling, and physical activity. Yes, yes, yes, blah, blah, blah, you heard it a million times, and you practice them all from time to time here and there, but could you say that they are at a habit level? If not, it means that you have been receiving the message every time without hearing it, and I hope this time it gets further than your eyes and ears.
These three activities, when practiced regularly, target every element of your system:
- Meditation; the spiritual side of you, your consciousness, letting go of the ego and the physical reality.
- Journaling: emotional check-in with yourself.
- Physical activity: alignment of your body, health, and immune system.
The ones who know me well also know how big an advocate of meditation I am and how I aspire to make it as effortless as possible so that it becomes attractive and doable for everybody. I even wrote a short and sweet book: Live Your Life in a Meditative State: Easy and Fun Ways of Meditation and Mindfulness for Everyone. And when it comes to physical activity, obviously there is no need to remind anyone how important it is to keep a fit and healthy body. But what about journaling? Why is it also on this shortlist?
Here is why* Journaling strengthens the connection between you and your inner child (your subconscious) so that you get to understand yourself better. * Writing about your emotions, experiences, and thoughts allows you to express them freely and lowers your stress level. * Regular journaling – at least three times a week – helps you effectively organize your thoughts and improves your creativity and problem-solving abilities. * Communicating with yourself by journaling also helps to better your communication with others. * Journaling positively affects your sleep quality, mental clarity, and feelings of anxiety and depression. * It improves your mood, shapes your thoughts, and strengthens your willpower in developing a habit and sticking to it. * And most importantly, it helps you to realize the abundance of wonderful things you have in your life that are worthy of your gratitude.
If you are intrigued and want to give it a try,
- take a look at Stephanie A. Sarkis Ph.D.’s Discover 8 Journaling Techniques for Better Mental Health article from Psychology Today, and find out about your options,
- get a good quality notebook and a special pen – one that you love writing with, that you only use for journaling,
- set aside 10 minutes, and
- write away.
You might realize that the paper and pen are the best listeners you have ever met.
What does it mean to be old? Older? Elderly?
What does it do to our options for getting out, finding others to interact with, and living a full life?
What does it do for the choices we might (have to) make?
I just read an article in a local newspaper about a woman who’s 84 (just a few years older than I am), who’s lonely and hoping to find a special man to be with. She had a partner for nearly 30 years who died a couple of years ago, and she’d like to have someone in her life again.
I can understand that. Most of us enjoy at least some contact with others, right? And many do want a life partner to live with.
But for many seniors, life has changed over the years.
Many friends and family members are gone, leaving us behind. While we’re usually happy to be alive, it certainly can get lonely without those who used to be such an important part of our life.
Our health may present challenges that we hadn’t expected, imposing limits on our activity.
Driving might not be as easy as it was; actually, driving at night might not be a great idea at all. So getting out might seem more difficult – may be more difficult – than it was even 10 years earlier.
She mentioned finding a dating service online, so clearly she has some ability with the internet and the gumption to try. Sad to say, it didn’t work out for her. The service had no men in her age range to suggest.
In her self-description, she mentioned she “spends most days alone reading and watching TV in her condo.”
You know what idea struck me?
Choices.
You know what word struck me?
Condo.
If she lived way out in the country, I could see how restricted her life might be. Even in some towns or cities, getting around might not be too easy for her.
But a condo suggests something else: A community with opportunities to meet others who live right around her. Possibly a condo BOD that can/does plan activities for its residents. Or other residents who do.
I currently live in my third condo community, and it has a very lively group of residents who do plan activities of all sorts. I don’t join in too many, but that isn’t the point. Events are always happening, and they are great opportunities for many who live here to meet others. There’s a real village vibe here!
The article didn’t say if this woman’s condo community was for all ages or for seniors, but so what? Age doesn’t always have to be the determining factor for activity.
Her ability to use the internet could still help her to find others to chat with around the world, even in countries she’s not familiar with. If she doesn’t already know how to use Zoom or another face-to-face platform, maybe someone she knows could help. It’s not as good as in-person meetups, but it’s surely one way to stay connected with others.
Someone who’s lonely could also realize that others might be, too, and see if there would be ways to start groups – card games (bridge/canasta/other), health-related activities like yoga or other forms of exercise. (Here in my village a friend started an outside “Chair Yoga” group twice a week in a field right next to several homes for as long as the good weather holds. It’s HUGELY popular!)
Even just walking around the community can give many a physical, emotional, and mental health boost.
I know nothing about this woman – her physical, monetary, or emotional limitations – other than what the article mentioned, but it seems she’s narrowed her focus so much to finding a life partner that she’s missing out on other excellent options for her life. I hope she can see that it’s still possible to meet others, and it could start with a choice to open her door and leave her apartment.
Walk down the hall.
Open the front door to the outside in this gorgeous weather and interact with those who are also outside.
Widen her focus from a life partner to different kinds of connections.
Take full advantage of what that condo community might offer.
Choose to make her life full and interesting.
What are your thoughts, folks? What might you suggest for others who are aging but still want to live a full life?
I have a friend I will call David. He loves to tell the story of his early courtship with his wife whom I will call Jenny. He talks of his joy in getting her in his pickup truck to go out for a wonderful date night. What he loved the most was when she would slide over and sit right next to him.
Well, David and Jenny’s courtship blossomed into a wonderfully strong marriage with equally remarkable children. They truly loved each other. They kept the old truck for some time and David continued to take Jenny out on drives and romantic dates in that truck.
One day while David drove on in that old truck, Jenny said to him, “How come we don’t sit next to each other anymore?” David looked at her sitting on the far side of the bench seat holding on to the door handle. He then looked down at himself sitting at his usual place behind the steering wheel. After a careful pause, he calmly said “Well, I have not moved.”
What is it about us that causes us to be more focused on the movements of others that we miss, like Jenny, that we are the ones who have moved?
You see it all of the time on the road. Drivers get so focused on what another driver is doing and they miss what they are doing. I have ridden in the car with drivers who one minute complain about someone cutting them off or not using their blinker, and then moments later they do the exact same thing!
It is such a simple thing to see what others are doing and point it out. Too many of us are nearsighted when it comes to the movements of others and way to far- sighted when it comes to our own movements. This myopic view can cause heartbreak and struggle, especially in our most important relationships.
To see only what others are doing (or not doing) and not notice our contribution (or lack thereof) can be so terribly hurtful to our most important relationships. We need to combat this natural tendency and move closer to each other by paying attention to ourselves more than the movements of others.
In my work as a marriage educator and relationship coach, we often talk of turning toward instead of turning away. Those happiest with their relationships have this wonderful habit of moving closer or turning toward each other—even during times of struggle and conflict. Moving closer is so much better.
So, how can we make sure we are not sliding away from others and be certain we are turning toward them? Here are three tips to make that happen:
First, please remember you are on same team. We enter relationships with such a desire to help, love, and support each other. We start out committed to the same ideals and gain great satisfaction out of really seeking to lift and build each other. Working together in a relationship can be one of the most satisfying things this life has to offer.
Yet, sometimes we forget our desire was to complete each other and then we begin to compete with each other. Instead of striving to build up, we begin to tear down. Rather than generous words of affirmation, we destroy with harsh words and criticism. If we are not careful, we slide all too quickly from love and unity, to distance and hurt.
We must turn toward each other and always strive to remember what brought us close together to begin with. Remembering we are on the same team brings a greater desire to pull close and stay close.
Second, please look in the mirror instead of the magnifying glass. Michael Jackson taught us to start with “the man in the mirror.” It is all too easy to magnify other people’s weaknesses while downplaying and minimizing our own. However, that distorted view rarely produces anything meaningful or helpful.
We are all quick to say, “you cannot change other people,” but then speedily point out all that is wrong with another. Perhaps, we need to adapt the message of the side mirrors on our car and admit that our view may be distorted. When it comes to measuring the traits of others, objects are likely larger in appearance than they really are.
Let’s face it! We have no business focusing on others when there is so much we need to do for ourselves. Let’s be so busy watering (and even weeding) our own grass that we do not have time to see if someone’s else’s is greener or not!
Third, please cultivate gratitude and the ability to see good in others. There is so much to be thankful for each day. We live in a wonderful world with so many wonderful things and people all around us. One does not have to look very far to find something good! It is truly all around for those who have nurtured the ability to see it.
I honestly believe that most people are doing the very best they can with what they have at the time.
What happens if we gave people the benefit of the doubt? What if we believe in the best in people even when it may not seem completely obvious? What if we simply refused to find fault, but only offered praise?
We can begin with my simple motto: Think to thank! Make it a deliberate thing to find the blessing and comment on it! Thank everyone you meet! Better yet, thank those who are around you all the time. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Learn to see and speak the best in everyone around you.
Let’s all strive to stay closer and connected to the people in our lives. Let’s focus on turning toward each other in positive ways! Let’s get close together and take this ride of life pulling together! It is more fun that way!
Note: This is an addition to the ongoing conversation for BizCatalyst 360° on humans living unsheltered. As a New Yorker for 15 years, I spent a lot of time ignoring people living on the streets. I firmly believe that radical honesty with an inward focus is something we all could use a little more of, even if it’s not things people enjoy hearing. When we can examine our own biases and behavior, we can work to facilitate change in the world.
Late this morning, I waited for an ambulance as a man lie unconscious on 2nd Avenue and 4th Street. Another woman had already called 911, but I know CPR, so I thought that perhaps, my presence would be useful. The man’s eyes were rolled back with his eyelids slightly open, and his breathing looked labored, yet he was, indeed, breathing. Everyone seemed to not know what to do, so I asked around “Does anyone have Narcan?”
Nobody did.
Without wanting to risk my safety too much, I tugged the cloth tab attached to the zipper on his fanny pack. Maybe he had Narcan inside. As the pack slid open, all I saw was a used needle and some pill bottles. I was not about to go rummaging. My looking surely woke him up, though. I guess the threat to the stash was a serious one.
I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to perform CPR because he looked disgusting. I didn’t want to put my mouth on his. Then I questioned why I was there. This was my second instance this week of waiting for medical help to arrive for an unconscious person on the sidewalk.
When I got home, I texted my ex-boyfriend about it. He’s 38 and was born and raised in Brooklyn. We got together in our 20s when I was new to New York, and we’ve been dear friends ever since, even after our relationship fizzled. He taught me everything I needed to know about being a tough New Yorker, especially when it came to physical and psychological safety.
He called me upon receiving my text and the first words he said were “I’m not happy.”
Not happy, meaning, he wasn’t happy with me, especially when he heard about my discovery of the dude’s rig.
“Andrea, you don’t touch people,” he said. “I don’t care.”
Then there was the usual litany of hardened speech and lecture, void of emotion or empathy.
“I think I should start carrying Narcan,” I said. Things had been getting bad in the neighborhood.
He protested, saying none of it was our responsibility.
“I don’t know if I told you this,” he said, “but when I lived at the El Dorado, remember how there were two doors to get in?”
“I remember,” I said.
“Well, there was a guy passed out there once. You know what I did? I nudged him with my foot. He was like: moans inaudibly: and I’m like ‘OK. You’re alive,’ and then I moved on. That’s what you do. Nudge him with your foot and move on.”
To be honest, that’s probably what I would have done up until a year or so ago. And, if I’m continuing to be honest, before that I wouldn’t have stopped moving at all.
Baz Luhrmann wrote a song in 1999 called “Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen.” The lyrics were taken directly from a 1997 essay in the Chicago Tribune by Mary Schmich called “Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young.” The song was popular when I was coming of age, and pieces of it have stayed with me. One of the lines is “Live in New York City once but leave before it makes you hard.”
In a few days, I will reach my 15-year anniversary in New York City.
I didn’t even know how hard I had become until two years ago. The realization came to me when I was visiting Chicago to run the marathon, and I took an early morning walk with the man who would eventually become my boyfriend. We passed by a church, and a man with no legs was sitting outside of it.
“I love you, brother,” Martin said to him as we passed. I ignored the man and pretended I didn’t see him. And then I was more than just embarrassed; I was ashamed.
Here I was, pretending to be this spiritually evolved life coach and I couldn’t even make eye contact with a human being. What had happened to me?
Maybe it was the 11 years of working late at night in Times Square. If there’s anything that will harden a human, it’s that. You meet people from all over the world every day, and it’s not always pleasant.
In my early to mid-20s alone I experienced an attempted terrorist attack (the same day I woke up to find my apartment building had been turned into an illegal hostel,) rampant substance abuse, gang initiation every Easter Sunday, (my bartender from O’Lunney’s was on the news at least twice about it,) and so much mental illness.
Maybe it was the gas explosion on my corner of my street that leveled three buildings that played a part in it. That was the result of senseless greed which killed two people and left many without a home.
Big things happen from time to time, like at the beginning of this year when not one, but two people jumped to their deaths from the Hyatt Centric in Times Square. (I know some people who work there.)
However, it’s the smaller things that harden you, somehow.
It’s every human bobbling through the train cars making a fuss. It’s standing in the thick heat smelling putrid hot garbage. It’s the push, pull, and grind. And the noise… As I wrote about it in my piece “There’s Too Much Noise in the Void: A Dear John Letter:”
“I’m suffocating and everything stinks. I sit in what’s left of East River Park for meditation, and all I hear is the roaring boom of traffic on the FDR, screeching sirens, and the sounds of the subtle vibrations in the steel and rivets as the rolling stock rattles the bridges… So much noise in the void.
Somehow, we’ve taken up the idea that Bluetooth speakers are a commodity, and every few moments, yet another person uncomfortable with their own heartbeat blasts through with an abominable audio assault. I sit densely, feeling my calloused eardrums vibrate, scarred from a decade of working in a restaurant where dulcet tones droned on to mask the chatter of hundreds of people talking at once.
My ears don’t even mind so much, they’re coated with wax, but it’s the rip through the silence, almost on purpose, which stabs my sensitivity. The noise is a way to let us all know “I AM HERE! I EXIST!” So much noise in the void. The fentanyl has them sick, and every now and then as they’re scratching at a stoplight, they’ll groan a dull howl.”
There’s so much anger, bitterness, and suffering. It’s vast and immeasurable.
If you allow yourself to look at it all, the fear is you might never recover.
You fear that your heart will just break into pieces, bleeding in your hands. But worse, the fear is you might have to see yourself.
Manhattan is filled with drunk, loud, hungry ghosts looking for their next fix, and I am not talking about the unsheltered. Most of them are transplants from elsewhere, privileged people looking to be “where the action is.”
“We’ve got Frosé, alcohol-infused ice cream, mochi donuts, those weird Korean fast food hot dogs that are made of cheese, fried, and covered in ketchup. There’s trendiness all over the place. Fashion. High fashion. Low fashion. Fancy music venues. Axe throwing.
Anything that can occupy the minds and bodies of hungry, unsatisfied, bored beings that wish to do no inner exploration of any kind.
We go to places and do shit, but nothing is happening. We make friends with others who are deeply unsatisfied with being alive. We go out into the manifestation and try to make meaning, but there’s none to be made.
There’s nothing “out there” for us. It’s just a void of distraction. It’s a hamster wheel of pleasure. All topped off with the whipped cream and cherry combination of “convenience,” drizzled heavily over the Broadway lights.”
(I wrote this in the piece “Hungry Ghosts, linked above.)
Couple that with society’s underbelly and you’ve got a recipe for disease.
It’s self-preservation to the umpteenth degree to put your head down. How many needy, suffering eyes can you handle walking from one avenue to another? How many piles of garbage can you allow yourself to take in?
How many screams can you let yourself hear, or sirens every few moments of another soul arguing with a paramedic as to whether or not it’ll leave its body? And here I am, annoyed on the corner that the ambulance is coming, and I can’t cross the street.
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"What do you do when something profound and impactful happens in your life? Do you dig deeper into its truth, or keep it at a distance for future reference or reflection?" ...
"Tthe persistence of Neurodifferences in the human gene pool may be evidence that those differences kept us alive as a species." ...
"Because we always seem to assume that the answer is in a decision, when it is, in fact, to be found in the question, which we may not always truly understand, or find too uncomfortable to consider." ...
"Do you count? If so, decide how you count, what you contribute, and what you want in this world." ...
"Sorry" is indeed, one of the most difficult and most powerful words, provided one can feel and say it at the same time." ...
"We need diversity to create necessary change. Those who will help to create this much-needed change are those who are willing to speak out about the patterns of thought that no longer serve us." ...
"I flirt with mine regularly. When is the last time that “you” teased your sensory-scapes?" ...
"Give yourself a break! Get over your need for perfection! Realize that excellence is good enough!" ...
"As you head down the roads of your life, please enjoy those green lights and your forward progress. Will you also prepare for any red lights that may come? " ...
"Divorce is a difficult and emotional process for everyone involved, especially for children. When parents decide to end their marriage, it can have a significant impact on their children's well-being and development." ...
"The medical community pathetically doesn’t address the problem or the solutions for menopause. They simply want to treat the symptoms leaving the woman with lifelong weight problems." ...
"Living without self-judgment or constantly belittling yourself create a mindset by which you see yourself in a positive light." ...
"We are our only limiting factor. If we believe we can or can’t do something, we’re right!!!" ...
"Self-Forgiveness illuminates your true purpose-opening doors to healing your past while replacing regret with gratitude." ...
"Gratitude fosters empathy, promotes positive relationships, counters entitlement, and enhances overall well-being." ...
"Being in our power is key if we want to impact the world around us and yet many of us have experienced the abuse of power and perhaps shy away from shining our light." ...
"How can we expect to appreciate those moments where everything seems right or is going the way we want if we never experience the opposite?" ...
"Our amygdala and limbic system not only protect us from physical harm and pre-historic dangers but also safeguard our identity and authentic self that is unique to any of us." ...
"Where might you go if given the freedom to? What new beginning is waiting for you?" ...
"Engaging in self-care activities reminds us that we need to take care of ourselves. We are equally human as others and we need to focus on ourselves too." ...
"When even one of you steps onto the path of least resistance and begins to understand the way of joy a pathway becomes clear for others." ...
"Stress. It makes your heart pound, your breathing quicken, and your forehead sweat." ...
"Each of us is accountable for how we view our world. Nobody else has the power to change the internal workings of our minds and hearts. However, surrounding ourselves with people who support and encourage our evolving perspective can be enormously powerful." ...
"Enhancing memory in seniors is possible through a combination of lifestyle modifications and cognitive stimulation." ...
"Do you ever do that? Resist things that are good for you because of some underlying story. Maybe it’s a toughness story. Maybe it’s shame. Maybe it’s an insistence to let the world know you’ve “got this” when it’s something you do not, in fact, got?" ...
"For the past 70 years, scientists in Britain have been studying thousands of children through their lives to find out why some end up happy and healthy while others struggle." ...
"It's time to reclaim our humanity and dignity through deliberate action, not just words, and with a heightened sense of urgency demanded by the atrocities witnessed. True dignity is expressed by acknowledging the human condition, the suffering, the imperfection; the missteps, and the potential for real change. ...
"In this life unfortunately we will have to do things we don't want to for the betterment of someone else, whether placing someone on Hospice Care or cooking Okra." ...
"And today, in writing to you, sharing my experience of listening in grief, I am reminded of this gift that we all have." ...
"Lovingly accepting the person you are, your feelings, thoughts, and values, the total package is the best gift for overall health you can give to yourself."...
"Don't sit on the fence; break it and move out! Don’t be confined to the little things you do; the sky should be below your limit!" ...
Every month of the year has pet awareness events. For instance, June is National Adopt a cat month, it is National Zoo and Aquarium Month, and National pet preparedness month. June also has National hug your cat day, International Corgi Day, World Pet Memorial Day, National take your cat to work day, Ugliest dog day and take your dog to work day. Why do we care about animals to give them so much attention?
According to Forbes, 65.1 million U.S. households own a dog, 46.5 million households own cats and 11.1 million households own fish. 66% of US households (2/3) own pets. Americans spent $136.8 billion on their pets, up 10.7% from just last year, which turns out to be an average of $730 a year just on each dog. 38% of dog owners and 40% of cat owners got their pets from an animal shelter or rescue.
Web MD tells us that pets are natural mood enhancers where in only a few minutes with a dog, cat, or watching fish swim, we become less anxious and less stressed. Pets help keep blood pressure in check in adults, and blood pressure of children with hypertension decreases while petting their dog. Playing and petting with an animal increases levels of serotonin and dopamine (nerve transmitters known to have calming effects) and these transmitters help reduce not only depression but stress. If you own a dog, you tend to be more physically active, and being forced to walk your dog daily may be one of the main reasons animals help with our heart and stress. Dog owners walk 300 minutes a week compared to 168 minutes for non-pet owners while walking a dog leads to a 28% increase in walking speed. Web MD also reports that when children grow up in a home with a dog or cat, they are 33% less likely to develop allergies; and the same is true for kids living on a farm with large animals. So maybe pets are truly the miracle drug we have been waiting for!
We know the medical reasons for a pet, but what about the psychological advantages?
The American Psychological Association did a study, done at Miami University of Ohio and St. Louis University, where they concluded that people with pets were actually closer to other important people in their lives and received more support, not less from their friends and family. The study concluded that pets complement other forms of social support rather than compete with them, indicating there was no evidence that relationships with pets came at the expense of relationships with other people. The study also concluded that owning a pet can teach children valuable life lessons. Kids with dogs have a higher level of empathy and self-esteem, and learning to take care of an animal teaches the value of routine, accountability, nurturing, and good habits. Interacting with pets stimulates cognitive development in children. Caring for and training pets improves problem-solving skills, memory retention, and concentration in both children and adults. Being outside in a public setting with your animal increases social interaction because pets are great icebreakers and can help ease people out of social isolation and shyness.
But with all these reasons to own a pet, we still have homeless animals, and what really happens to these poor creatures? According to PetKeen, there are 3,500 brick-and-mortar animal shelters across the USA. Entering these shelters each year are 7.6 million animals- 4.2 million dogs and 3.4 million cats. 2.7 million are euthanized.
Even though every month we celebrate days honoring our pets, there is no celebration for the 2.7 million animals America euthanizes each year. We as taxpayers spend $2 billion annually to round up, house, and dispose of homeless animals, but that is not enough to keep our animal shelters running in a humane manner. You would think that such a large profitable industry like the pet industry would step in to help these rescue shelters and these poor animals in need, but we have not seen that happen as the pet industry sales and profits are increasing every year. It falls back on all of us to have the heart to help defenseless animals that can’t speak for themselves. For anyone who has ever looked into the eyes of their pet and felt that unconditional love looking back, we cannot continue letting animal shelters go underfunded and undermanned. All of us need to reach deep into our pockets to help these shelters find homes for these innocent animals; and if we don’t have the dollars to help, we should be volunteering.
Pets provide healing benefits for many of life’s invisible scars. They help us emotionally and socially. The unconditional love pets give us transcends work issues, family conflicts, death, and divorce.
Our pets don’t care if you can read or not, they don’t care about the color of your skin or if you are missing a limb. This country has a lot to fix in not only solving homelessness for our fellow citizens but taking care of the homeless animals in our lives. Volunteer at your local shelter to help these powerless animals cope with being alone. None of us want to be alone, and your simple act of kindness goes a long way for animals who can’t speak for themselves.
Neurodiversity and innovation often go hand in hand, but does that mean visionary entrepreneurs get a free pass to say and do anything they want? Bonobos founder and mental health advocate Andy Dunn shares his experience navigating bipolar I in the midst of running a successful startup, offering lessons learned on his journey to wellness and steps to create a future where everyone is able to “dream crazy dreams” — while being held accountable.
It is a common stereotype that men tend to say they’re fine when they’re not. While this may not be true for every individual, there are several potential reasons why some men might do this:
Societal pressure: Men are often socialized to be tough and not show vulnerability or weakness. Saying they’re not fine could be perceived as a sign of weakness, which can be challenging for some men.
Fear of burdening others: Men may not want to burden their friends, family, or partners with their problems. They might feel that it’s easier to say they’re fine than to open up and talk about what’s really going on.
Difficulty expressing emotions: Some men may struggle to express their emotions or put them into words. Saying they’re fine may be a default response when they don’t know how to express what they’re feeling.
Lack of trust: Men may not feel comfortable opening up to others if they don’t trust them or feel that they won’t be understood. Saying they’re fine can be a way to avoid the risk of being judged or misunderstood.
It’s important to remember that not all men will say they’re fine when they’re not, and that everyone’s experience is unique. If you’re concerned about a man in your life, it can be helpful to approach them with empathy and understanding and let them know that you’re there to support them if they need it.
Which of the above is the reason you say you’re fine when you’re not? A shift in mindset can help you get past this.
Why is it that we struggle with our self-care? What is it that has us forget to take our vitamins, give up our sleep for one more episode, skip the walk for a little more work, eat potato chips instead of salad, and then regret our choices at the end of the day? We can ‘should’ on ourselves all day long about our less-than-perfect choices, yet what is motivating us in the first place?
For many of us, we unconsciously focus more on avoiding fear and pain, than on pursuing the feeling of well-being. Many of us were given a sense of ‘well-being’ from what others did for us or to us. We learned this as children when our parents gave us the care and love we needed when we didn’t know how to give it to ourselves.
Some of us still don’t know how to give it to ourselves and our parents were unable to teach us. This has many of us still looking outside of ourselves for our care and well-being. The doctor, our partner, the company, our children, or the teacher. We want to do what they think is best for us. Many of us see what success looks like on those we look up to including celebrities and athletes thinking they look like they have the answer, so we try to mimic what they say or do. Regardless of our income, we all seek to replicate what self-care looks like in the hopes that we will actually feel better. Unfortunately, most of us find ourselves disappointed when we use another’s solutions or wait for someone to take care of it for us. None of them know what is better for us than we do.
I know many people who do little to care for themselves as they have simply ‘numbed-out’ to what they are feeling. Without a connection to our feelings, it is very hard to focus on our self-care. Self-care requires a sensitivity to what is true for us in each moment and a willingness to just ‘be’ with our inner experience. It’s important to be fully present with our thoughts, feelings, sensations, and ideas about what is and isn’t OK for us in how we get our needs met. Some of us are dealing with an issue that narrows our focus into solving that specific problem instead of listening to the rest of what we need inside. Self-care is about all of myself, not just the parts that need to be healed or fixed.
What I have found in my own journey is that my self-care has been directly connected to my level of self-love. The more I offer love and acceptance to myself exactly as I am, the easier it is to pay attention to my own needs and remember that it’s my job to take care of those needs, not someone else’s.
I know what feels best for me and the universe wants to give it to me in surprising and delightful ways when I ask for what I want and say no to what I don’t want. We are each responsible for focusing on our own well-being through the choices we make for ourselves including the thoughts we allow, what we put in our bodies, and the experiences we say yes and say no to. Our parents, teachers, lovers, friends, bosses, health care providers, employee or government are NOT responsible for our well-being. There is no one we need to wait for to give us the care we need BEFORE we can start caring for ourselves. When we claim responsibility for our own self-care, knowing we are whole and complete exactly as we are in our unfolding, we can act in loving ways towards ourselves without judgment. When we are fully accepting of how we are, we realize there is no comparison to anything or anyone, and no destination to get to. No need to compromise or give up what feels best to us. We can choose what is best for us, and others can do the same without anyone giving up their own self-care. Being aware of and choosing what is most loving for us in each moment becomes our natural self-care norm.
What can you do to increase your own self-care today?
Pain is our body’s reaction to all kinds of bodily disruptions. It warns of danger and makes us act—to move toward pleasure and away from pain, to diagnose the cause of the pain, to reach conclusions, and to advance in our lives to new states.
There is pain that prods us from behind, making us evolve, and also existential pain that ultimately pulls us forward to greater fulfillment.
Pain impacts our ego, the desire to enjoy at the expense of others. We can feel pain when we feel bad, or when sympathizing with others who feel bad, or when the pain of envy strikes us when we see that others are better off than us.
There is pain that prods us from behind, making us evolve, and also existential pain that ultimately pulls us forward to greater fulfillment.
We would feel nothing at all if it were not for pain. Whether it is a certain kind of conflict, contact, or pressure, our every feeling is built upon a certain form of pain, and we can only feel pleasure, fulfillment, and enjoyment after pain.
We would feel nothing at all if it were not for pain. Whether it is a certain kind of conflict, contact, or pressure, our every feeling is built upon a certain form of pain, and we can only feel pleasure, fulfillment, and enjoyment after pain.
However, we can overcome pain. When we rise above the ego, i.e. when we ascend beyond prioritizing self-interest at the expense of others to its opposite—prioritizing the benefit of others—we can then live in complete fulfillment, without emptiness, where we relate to everything and everyone out of an ever-increasing wholeness and love.
Experiencing ourselves as love is the most natural thing in the world. The path to remembering ourselves as love is one of dismantling or unlearning everything we have been taught that contradicts this truth. Self-realization is nothing more than coming into alignment with what we inherently are already.
Throughout our lives, we have received messages that taught us otherwise. Often at a young age, we come to the conclusion that we are less than whole and perfect, that we are less than love. For the most part, children believe the messages they hear. That is because their minds have not yet developed the analytical ability to question them. Even though some messages don’t feel right intuitively, a young, undeveloped mind cannot help but believe what it is told, especially when it is a repeated message. This creates a distorted or false self-image. It’s like looking into one of those funhouse mirrors that pulls one’s image way out of shape. When, as children, we received feedback that we were bad, that there was something wrong with us, that we were lacking in some way, it’s as though we were looking at a distorted reflection and believing it to be true.
The messages that created a false self-image might have come from family members, friends, school teachers, or other authority figures that we assumed were wiser than us. These messages continue as we grow into adulthood, getting layered upon and often reinforcing those messages we received as children. However, when we wake up to the reality of who we are, we see that we were given those messages by people who were themselves living in a state of forgetfulness about their true identity. They were not capable of always mirroring an accurate reflection to us.
As we remember our true identity, we realize that all of our experiences have been part of our journey from unconsciousness to consciousness. There is nobody to blame. Everything happened exactly as it did. We have been part of the evolution of consciousness, waking up to itself. In order to experience light, we have to experience darkness. Without darkness, we cannot appreciate light. Darkness has no power. It is merely absence of light.
A Chapter excerpt from “Health Wise: Integral Lessons in Transformation” detailing the health benefits of forgiveness and explaining some common misconceptions about forgiveness. This brief podcast also explains a method and process to develop forgiveness as a healthy life skill.
Allow me to share a few reflections from Our Friendship Bench of May 11th, 2023. For this event we were excited to share the Bench with Deidra Moore-Janvier, recent author of a wonderful book titled From Me To You: The Power of Storytelling and Its Inherent Generational Wealth―An African American Story. In tribute to the Bench as a venue for sharing, I applaud Dennis & Ali for creating it, and for encouraging its always fearlessly presented topics. Race in America is such a topic. As our guest Deidra wrote, referencing race & America, “…you can’t talk about one without addressing the other.”
With the theme being the ‘woke’ phenomenon, it was one of the most informative and stimulating segments of the always interesting and engaging weekly gathering called simply Our Friendship Bench. The theme elicited much introspection & examination from this white, straight, male, American Bencher. Here’s a partial rendering of my takeaways.
I start with the premise that I am indeed a privileged member of American society. Considering my status, I had to have a detailed, itemized, well-executed plan to fail in this society. With my skin color, social standing, geographic placement, and even my naming, America was not about to allow me to fall behind, or to become an outcast. Even if I’d been determined to sabotage my own life, to ignore and/or undermine the guardrails, privileges, and perks set aside for lil ‘ol white, straight, middle-class me I may have ended up under a bridge, but it would’ve been the nicest damn bridge in the best part of the city. It may have had room service.
If, on the other hand, I’d been born black, either male or female, regardless of my placement, naming, social or financial standing, educational attainment, or parentage, a spot under the bridge would always be just one tiny, seemingly inconsequential misstep away. And there’d be no room service, unless I was the one delivering the grub.
If I had to cite just one lesson from that Bench, and I make no claims of brilliant insight here, it would be that my suspicions have been correct for a long time. That is, for the race issue to resolve, the very first step must be for all white citizens of this country to take a long, hard look in the mirror and admit that the individual staring back at them is part of the problem. I speak only for myself, but for a very long time, before I made my first rudimentary grappling with being woke, it never occurred to me that the white/straight/Christian/male standard needed to be questioned.
Presently, we live next door to a wonderful Black couple. They’re highly successful, well-educated, very ambitious, and always engaging. They have young twins, four-year-old boys who are simply adorable, two kids I’ve come to love as my own. They always squeal and run to me when they see me come up the walk, a frequent experience that fills my heart with joy…and with a bit of sadness!
Why sadness? Several reasons. One is that we’re preparing to leave town soon, and will no longer hear those happy squeals, no longer enjoy the company of those friends next door. Another reason is more subtle, but more troubling, and it involves a question I’ve asked myself from time to time: How do the parents of those two Black kids, and countless others growing up — or trying to in today’s America — how do they teach those precious boys not to trust guys like me? Each time I see those kids running toward me, arms extended for a hug they know they’ll surely get, why do I hesitate? I know where the hesitation derives. If they exhibit the same trust when danger lurks for them, as it does far too often in America, how do those loving parents teach their boys to navigate that perilous ground? The saddest part is the necessity of having to teach those kids this infectious and never-ending truth.
I’m always open to new ideas, new understandings. So, if anyone can share with me the path forward, please do. I’m convinced that the ‘othering’ of certain people, the strict adherence by society to the long-sacred standard of white supremacy, until that assumption is seen for the nonsense it is, and until we begin to see everyone as equal — always, and in all ways — this tragic and ritualistic separation by pigmentation will endure.
In her recent book Breathe, A Letter To My Sons, Imani Perry wrote ‘America is addicted to innocence.’ We simply refuse to face the sullied past that brought us where we are today, and we’ve done whatever harsh and violent work deemed necessary to suppress and hurt those who insist on our past’s elaboration and study. This explains why the ‘woke’ effort has met such strong and divisive opposition. Simply put, I believe we Americans are ashamed of our past, and our defection from stated principles. In this nation where ‘all men are created equal,’ we know in our hearts that is simply a lie, and only aspirational.
I say we start to look, really look, and acknowledge, and study, and embrace our sordid past for what it was and is. I suggest we all embrace the ‘woke’ that’s hiding, that we air out the musty and oppressive past that haunts us, to finally recognize its corrosive element for what it is.
Until the two little boys next door to me can grow up with the assumption that they have access to everything I have, no questions asked, no prior restraint recognized, we will struggle with this seemingly intractable problem of race hatred and conflict. Until their parents know, just know, that their beautiful Black sons will routinely depart every morning, and then safely return each and every evening, we have work yet to do. And work does in fact sound very much like woke.
In her recent book, Deidra quoted Elie Wiesel:
…we must see in every person a universe with its own secrets, with its own treasures, with its own sources of anguish, and with some measure of triumph.
That must be our aim. That impulse must define us. Anything less is beneath our dignity as a country and as a people.
We’d just returned to SeaTac airport from Tampa Florida, where we each led a keynote conversession at Encounter 360°. After exchanging heartfelt words of appreciation for each other’s conversession, we hugged, the kind of hug that shares the gratitude for being so glad to have met the other. And then Andy (Vargo) said this, “I want to thank you… for the first time in my life, I feel that I have the power to create my own belonging.”
The first thing that flashed through my head was, I’m so glad you got there! You see, in my perfect world, everybody would believe in their ability to belong, in self, and with others. The second thing, a few moments later, I realized my Encounter 360° conversession on reimagining belonging did give them a space of agency for themselves in self-belonging. It worked! Phew! It gave them a way past the popular, or conventional view of belonging that, unfortunately, limits one’s own agency to belong.
Our mental wellbeing in the workplace seems to be in a pretty rough place, and I think it’s because of messed up belonging. Burnout, anxiety, and depression appear to be at record levels, according to Forbes. A McKinsey study found that 51% don’t feel they belong. And what’s rather interesting, is a Deloitte study as belonging being reported as one of the most important human capital issues. So, there’s easily enough awareness. But not much change. Could it be our functional definition of belonging is the problem? Maybe it’s because we’ve made belonging a transactional receive-mode thing, instead of relational. And not only that, the framing the way that we think of it is that if I don’t get these four things, I don’t belong.
The Problem: our Popular Definition of BelongingBefore moving on to how we redefine belonging, let me introduce you to a neuroscientist, Kelly McGonigal. Kelly studied how the way we perceive stress can make it harmful, or, helpful to us. Harmful if we believe there’s nothing we can do about it, but helpful if we believe we can. And there’s also an interesting aspect that she uncovered that relates to oxytocin. She found that when you’re connected in a caring way (belonging) and you perceive the stress as a healthy challenge, you actually get a positive bump in your oxytocin levels. And, the stress that would’ve killed you, when combined with the oxytocin actually makes you stronger.
And, on a wellness aside, here’s what you physically get from that oxytocin, in addition to increased pro-social emotional abilities:
- cardiovascular protection
- an anti-inflammatory response
- relaxed blood vessels
- your heart rebuilds faster than it degrades under stressed performance
Sounds pretty healthy doesn’t it? Our bodies have a built-in mechanism for stress resilience. Our wiring for belonging is a self-regenerating relational neurochemical mechanism. McGonigal’s work gives us a clue as to why the current model of belonging might be undermining our current belonging efforts right from the start. We have no agency as we experience stress while in pursuit of belonging.
Here’s the popular definition of belonging from Cornell University.
Belonging is the feeling of security and support when there is a sense of (1) acceptance, (2) inclusion, and (3) identity for a member of a certain group. It is when an individual can bring their (4) authentic self to work.
This standard, or institutional understanding is a receive-mode-only model. If I get these four things… then I belong.
A sense of (1) acceptance, (2) inclusion, (3) identity, (4) being your authentic self to work (AIIA)
So, if you don’t get these four things, you don’t belong? This definition creates a box where the stress of being in a belonged state is unwinnable as it’s out of our agency, and thus the stress becomes harmful. From this frame, your state of belonging is a passively harmful place when you don’t fit in. Further, it creates an emotional barrier to doing the very reach outs that your own oxytocin is calling for. Because you believe it’s out of your ability to get it, this inhibits you further and limits your source of oxytocin and serotonin. We have to be in a positive human connection to generate oxytocin. Here’s a link to a list of seven belonging lead measures. You belong when you get these four things is a rather powerless frame that limits our neurobiology as we attempt to create our belonging. Yet it’s the dominant model. While it’s always brought up and referred to with good intent, it accidentally omits our agency in the definition.
The story we tell ourselves, and sometimes the story we’re given, that we tell ourselves, is the story we live.
Our words matter, and our story shifts with that omission. We’ve been promoting a story of what it takes to belong that disempowers us from creating it in our companies. And, it might even be making some people’s pursuit of belonging even a bit more harmful. (I gotta think more on this one.) The more you run into a brick wall, after running into a brick wall, the more damage you’re doing to yourself. Ironically, we’ve been given a model for belonging that sets us up to be powerless in affecting our own belonging.
- It’s a one-way, passive receive mode, must-get affirmation transactional model
- It leaves us with a self-narrative that says we only belong with someone who gives us these four things
- Yet, those four things aren’t necessarily indicative of belonging
- Ultimately leaves us chronically stressed on the bad side of a fit-in
For bullet 3, I want to offer this caveat. You can have all 4 of these things and not belong, a sense of (1) acceptance, (2) inclusion, (3) identity, and (4) being your authentic self to work. And, you can have the absence of those four things and still deeply belong. I can tell you, from my own personal experience, that I have not been (1) accepted, for being my (4) authentic self. Was warned about getting un- (2) included, and told to get back in the game here with us, or I’m out, my personal (3) identity in the tribe was about to be rejected. And I was implored to get back to rightness with the company tribe. I still belonged despite not getting affirmed in those four areas. And it would be my choice, whether I continued to belong.
The Shift: Define Belonging as You Feel, Own, and Care for Them, AND, They for YouAt Encounter 360°, I offered Belonging Reimagined. One that puts each of us in the driver’s seat of our own belonging. Shifting the power from just us receiving whether or not we belong, to choosing, creating, and inviting another to belong with us. From this re-defined version, our stress from when we don’t belong can be healthy instead of harmful, and help us to get into real belonging.
Try shifting your definition of belonging to this…
Belonging, it’s a state of being, in relationship with others:
When you feel, own, and care for them, in their successes, dreams, and failures. And, they feel, own, and care for you in yours. It’s a two-way relational street.
It’s a two-way street of feeling for yourself and them, owning your life and theirs, and, caring for yourself and them. And they do the same with you. If you prefer today’s typical business emotional intelligence language, it’s mutual-empathy (feeling), accountability (owning), and compassion (caring for).
Belonging requires all three – Feel, Own, and Care forThere’s a hollowness that we all know, that comes when any of the three: feel, own, or care for, aren’t genuine, or, are missing.
- Without the Feel, (empathy) we question whether or not we’re really theirs, when they say, “You’re my friend… or my employee…” We question the “why” of their care for us.
- Without Own, (accountability) we’re stuck with the nagging doubt of if their expressed feelings for us are true. We doubt if their care for us is actually for us.
- Without Care for, (compassion) we disbelieve in the genuineness of their expressed feelings and their claim that we are each other’s.
But, when you have all three, look out, you get a company of resilient people that’ll find a way for each other. You know you belong, because first, YOU feel, own, and care for them, AND second, THEY also feel, own, and care for you. If it’s just them, you’re getting affirmation, and yeah, that feels good. If it’s just you, you’re probably just fitting in, or in codependency.
Notice the order.
- The first qualifier is, “When you feel, own, and care for them…” (starts with you)
- AND (not, so that)… I guess the “AND” could be seen as a third qualifier, it’s not transactional.
- The second qualifier is they feel, own, and care for you in yours…”
Notice also, the context.
“In each other’s successes, dreams, and failures.” It’s in the good times, the aspirations, and the bad times. This is what falls in line with our tribal neurobiology. We’re designed to be indispensable to our tribe.
I love Angela Theisen’s take on belonging being as fundamental to how we organize ourselves.
“The sense of belonging is fundamental to the way humankind organizes itself. If it was unimportant, we would live solitary lives only coming together for procreation then quickly kicking the children out of our lives as soon as they could walk. We would have no families, communities or organized government.”
We cannot separate the importance of a sense of belonging from our physical and mental health. The social ties that accompany a sense of belonging are a protective factor helping manage stress and other behavioral issues. When we feel we have support and are not alone, we are more resilient, often coping more effectively with difficult times in our lives. Coping well with hardships decreases the physical and mental effects of these situations. (Mayo Clinic Health System)
It’s a relational model of bidirectional power that starts with you. Each one of us has agency. You get to shift into the driver’s seat of your own belonging. You’re not of the tablet victim to circumstance, nor are you an unfortunate victim.
When we define belonging this way, we get a frame for living out a new belief where our belonging is also in our power to create. So that even in the stress during the formation of belonging, we actually can get stronger.
Here’s a belonging practice to move your head in your heart into your own efficacy to create your own belonging.1. Remember a time when you: felt, owned, and cared for somebody in their successes dreams, and failures, who also feels, owns, and cares for you in yours.
(Do not tell of a time when you had a sense of acceptance, inclusion, and identity, and could be authentic. – Play along with me here)
2. Meet up with someone, in person or over Zoom, and share that story with them.
3. Afterward, take note of how you’re feeling inside.
4. Now, that person who you felt, owned, and cared for… Invite them out for coffee, or beer, or call them, or text them- and thank them for feeling, owning, and caring for you.
A quick summary of belonging wellness benefits:1. Less burnout, anxiety, and depression 2. Higher resilience 3. Oxytocin neural/emotional benefits * Empathy * Cooperation * Generosity * Interpersonal trust * Social motivation * Altruism * Emotional recognition * Gaze and focus & eyes face
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Oxytocin physical benefits
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Cardiovascular protection
- An anti-inflammatory response
- Relaxed blood vessels
- Your heart rebuilds faster than it degrades under stressed performance
I wonder what would happen to the rates of anxiety, depression, suicide, heart attacks, strokes, autoimmune diseases, etc., if we had more belonging of the feel, own, and care for type?
Give this definition a try. Make the shift. I bet you’ll find your emotional and physical wellness moving upward with your belonging.
Exactly 7 years ago I was in a meeting in West LA where I was offered a chance to produce a feature film described to me as, “A musical…about a circus…and they say that Hugh Jackman is attached.” Not ten minutes before that offer, I was informed that an independent film project I’d been working on for a year had fallen apart. Reeling, which became a future blockbuster was offered in its place. I graciously turned down the last opportunity, got into a LYFT at 10:30 pm, and never looked back.
Once settled into the car, I greeted my driver, Noah, and I blurted out what had just happened. Using his words purposefully, I could hear his sincerity, intelligence, curiosity, and a rare capacity for greatness. In the next hour’s drive, our Business Partnership with NOW WHAT STUDIOS was born.
Yes, I made a multi-million dollar business decision by simply hearing Noah Bewley speak without ever seeing him? And you turned down THE GREATEST SHOWMAN?
Yes. And yes.
During that first ride, our original MY GOLDEN BLOOD series began to develop because of the hard work Noah had already put into it. I often refer to Noah as my GYFT from LYFT.
A lucrative, comprehensive Young Adult action/thriller storyline is set-up for episodic TV, gaming, publishing, and will introduce characters Clay, Kate, the General, and a cast of volatile oddballs. In Hollywood speak, think: “STRANGER THINGS” – with a purpose. We have a committed, enthusiastic, highly skilled team in place to direct, produce, and meet our goal for international sales on multiple platforms. Casting is NOT complete, to date, and we will shoot the proof of concept/pilot later this year. Script available upon request.
Allow me to explain the reason behind the name: Rhnull blood, often referred to as “Golden blood” is extremely rare (statistically non-existent) and is not positive nor is it negative as is normal blood. Golden blood is classified as just A, B, AB, or O and this blood is – ounce for ounce – worth more money than actual gold. As you can imagine, this rare blood type is essential for our storyline.
The true GLOBAL benefit of our original series goes beyond worldwide distribution: On any given day, in every city in North America, there are hospital patients who are unable to receive lifesaving services because the local blood banks cannot provide an ample supply of necessary blood products.
It’s too horrible to imagine if any one of those people who needs blood products might be someone we love.
How is this possible? Sadly, only 4% of the entire population of North America are donors and organizations need to supply blood for 400M people. How can we fix this?
Where there’s a need, there’s a seed.
MY GOLDEN BLOOD will educate and incentivize our Young Adult audience members to become urgently needed blood donors. Our demographic is – for the time being – the smallest percent of donors and we won’t stop until our platform helps change this. Artificial blood cannot be produced in a laboratory so donations must come directly from qualified and willing individuals.
We are not afraid to utilize innovative, lucrative, Hollywood opportunities and aggressive social media (which are uniquely at our disposal) to plant the seeds that will empower our YA audience to become blood donors who help meet this need. Plus we can offer fantastic SWAG and trips to the film set as a reward to donors.
BONUS: The most gratifying ancillary benefit when young adults become donors is that this chronically disenfranchised population learns that they have so much to give. If their standard for HEROES has been IG influencers, TikTok dancers, musicians, or pro athletes, imagine the impact made when they learn that their one donation just saved 3 people’s lives.
To borrow from Disney’s HERCULES – we’ve watched YA donors, “Go from ZERO to HERO” in less than an hour. Together, we might just help an entire generation pull their shoulders back, hold their head higher, and begin to own their self-worth.
Blood donors have told me that after their first donation, they are now more attuned to the fact that we are all the same under our skin.
Lives saved. Lives changed. WIN-WIN!
How can you help?We need your assistance. Please consider investing in the attached crowdfunding campaign to raise the money necessary to produce the proof of concept short film for MY GOLDEN BLOOD. Our Sales Agent will use what we produce to pitch network and platform execs in her circle, such as Disney, Apple, HBO, Paramount, Peacock, and international distribution partners.
Please watch the video to meet Noah and me, read the info, or call me with questions or comments Wendy – 424-702-8987. Investors at certain levels are invited to join us on our film set to watch us make Hollywood magic.
Entertain. Inspire. Save lives.
The biggest misconception about the homeless is that they got themselves in the mess — let them get themselves out. Many people think they are simply lazy. I urge those to make a friend at a local mission and find out how wrong these assumptions are.
—Ron Hall
Homelessness is a complex and pressing issue that affects millions of people around the world. It is a condition that is often misunderstood and stigmatized and is often seen as a personal failing rather than a systemic problem.
Experiencing Homelessness DefinedThe definition of those who are experiencing homelessness includes: Someone who sleeps in doorways, overnight shelters, parks, bus stations, etc. * An individual or family who lacks a fixed, regular, and adequate nighttime residence, such as those living in emergency shelters, transitional housing, or places not meant for habitation. * An individual or family who is fleeing or attempting to flee domestic violence, has no other residence, and lacks the resources or support networks to obtain other permanent housing Dismantling the NarrativeThe time is long overdue to give a voice to those unfortunate and often mischaracterized and misunderstood souls living on the street. It’s time to dismantle the harmful, false narrative that homelessness is by choice*. The most common misconception about people experiencing homelessness is that they want to live on the street. This myth enables apathy and maintains the status quo of too many people experiencing homelessness.
The idea that people who are homeless choose to live on the street perpetuates the false narrative that, unlike other people, they do not need or want stability.
People living on the street for long periods often suffer from co-occurring mental health and substance use disorders. They are criminalized for being homeless, racking up nuisance crimes—such as trespassing, panhandling, public drinking and urination, and sleeping in public spaces—which can lead to a street-to-jail cycle that is hard to break.
Street life is punishing. People are frequently victimized, adding to a lifetime of trauma that can come with being poor. Chronic physical health problems, like hypothermia, are sometimes a consequence of homelessness, while others, such as diabetes, are difficult to treat when sleeping on the street. In a lot of ways, our safety net has failed people over and over again.
Labels Matter: Unhoused vs HomelessThe terms “unhoused” and “homeless” are often used interchangeably, but there is a subtle difference between the two. The word “homeless” can be seen as stigmatizing, as it implies that someone is without a home or a place to live. The word “unhoused,” on the other hand, is more neutral and does not make any assumptions about the person’s circumstances. Some people argue that the word “unhoused” is more accurate, as it does not suggest that someone is without a home. A person who is unhoused may still have a place to stay, even if it is not a permanent or stable home. For example, someone who is living in a shelter or a transitional housing program is still considered to be unhoused.
Common MisconceptionsThere are many misconceptions about the homeless. Some of the most common ones include:
- Homeless people are all lazy and don’t want to work. This is simply not true. Many homeless people do work, but they often have difficulty finding and keeping jobs because they don’t have a permanent address or a way to get to work.
- Homeless people are all mentally ill or addicted to drugs. Again, this is not true. While some homeless people do have mental health issues or substance abuse problems, the majority do not. In fact, many homeless people are just like you and me, but they have fallen on hard times and need help getting back on their feet.
- Homeless people are dangerous. This is another myth. Homeless people are actually more likely to be victims of crime than perpetrators. They are often targets of violence and theft, and they live in constant fear for their safety.
Some Facts* There are an estimated 553,742 people experiencing homelessness on any given night in the United States. * The majority of homeless people are single adults (60%). * Children make up about 25% of the homeless population. * The average age of a homeless person is 43. * The leading causes of homelessness are poverty, lack of affordable housing, and mental illness.
It is important to remember that homeless people are just like everyone else. They are human beings who deserve our compassion and understanding. We should not judge them based on their circumstances, but instead try to help them get back on their feet.
Before you ignore another homeless person on the street, just remember that that could be someone’s father or someone’s mother and they have a story.
— Syesha Mercado
YOU Can Do MoreYou can donate to organizations that provide food, shelter, and other services to homeless people. You can also volunteer your time to help out at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Even small acts of kindness, such as giving a homeless person a meal or a blanket, can make a big difference. Care kits provide essential items for people experiencing homelessness. Things like toiletries, nutritious food, hand warmers, first aid supplies, and clean socks and clothing can help to improve their quality of life and make their daily struggles a little easier. Beyond all this, let’s not forget to:
- Respect the homeless as individuals: Give homeless people the same courtesy and respect you would afford your friends, your family, your employer. Treat them as you would wish to be treated if you needed assistance.
- Respond with kindness: Give homeless people the same courtesy and respect you would afford your friends, your family, your employer. Treat them as you would wish to be treated if you needed assistance.
Together, WE Can Do MoreIt’s time to open our minds and our hearts, by doing BETTER and by doing MORE. The above narrative is intended to set the stage with a better understanding of the fundamentals and the challenges of homelessness. With your help, we at 360° Nation intend to do our best to amplify the visibility of the issues while giving a voice to those in need. Much more to come … Will you join us?
During our life, the growth and change we experience as a result of personal development can require us to come out of our comfort zone. It is in this unknown, the unfamiliar, that we may experience apprehension, doubt, and fears. It is also here that self-exploration and meditation can help us live in awareness to see that what we experience can assist us in moving toward what we desire to experience in life, like peace, fulfillment, and happiness.
The challenge is trusting in the process and trusting the journey into the unknown. How do we find comfort in this fact? Our relationship with the self acts as our support. It is in this inner stillness we connect to our true essence, the light within, which is part of the greater whole. This wellspring of divine source energy, the oneness of all that is, or however you define that which is greater than yourself, is where we can draw upon what is needed to guide us, comfort us, and fuel us through the journey.
Follow this link to listen to a guided meditation I released several years back.
This guided visual meditation will assist you in cultivating whatever you need in the present moment to help you foster trust and support of Self-exploration.
I always like your feedback if you find this exercise helpful!
Mindfully living my truths,
Nancy
I‘m so glad you’re taking the time to focus on changing your thoughts for your well-being. I know it can be scary to step out of your comfort zones and face the unpredictability of Change. But trust me, it’s worth it. When we open ourselves up to new experiences and challenges, we engage in active self-care and growth. Think about it for a minute. Exploring new activities – the unknown – allows us to learn more about ourselves. Stepping outside our routine also brings valuable skill sets and knowledge that benefit us in the long run.
Change can help us focus and prioritize what’s important, whether it’s decluttering distractions or leaving behind relationships or careers that no longer serve us. By making small, meaningful changes, we take action toward our goals and gain a sense of accomplishment and self-worth.
Change can be uncomfortable, but it’s necessary for a fulfilling life. In addition, it gives us the confidence boost to overcome challenges and build stronger relationships with those around us.
And you have the power to change the way you think today. That’s right, you can choose what thoughts you want to focus on right now. This concept dates back to the Bible. In 2 Corinthians 10:3#5, Apostle Paul talks about “casting down imaginations.” The words “Casting down” meant to “destroy,” and the word “imaginations” meant “thought,” which means not believing in lies and falsehoods.
It’s important to constantly challenge negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. No one else can control your thoughts and feelings except you!
I challenge you to start each day with a pep talk and powerful affirmations. Spend 5#10 minutes every morning focusing on what you want to achieve for the day, and don’t let negative people or the world get you down.
Here’s a sample pep talk to get you started. Use it, personalize it, or use it as a springboard and create your powerful motivating morning pep talk.
“Good morning! It’s a brand new day, filled with endless opportunities and potential. Take a deep breath and remember that I can make this day amazing. I am strong, capable, and ready to take on any challenge that comes my way. I will focus on the present moment and won’t let yesterday’s worries or tomorrow’s fears hold me back. Instead, I’ll trust in myself and take small steps toward my goals today. Every effort counts and brings me closer to where I want to be. So let’s get going!”
And here are a few examples of affirmations to lift you up. Use them, personalize them, or use them as a springboard to create powerful affirmations. Repeat these
affirmations to yourself and feel the positive ener%y flow through you:
• I am capable of achieving any goal I set for myself.
• I believe in my abilities and strive for success daily.
• I am worthy of success and happiness.
• My past successes give me the strength to keep going, even through tough times.
• Every challenge I face brings me closer to reaching my goals and dreams.
• I will not run and hide from failure; I will learn and rise above it.
Ending your pep talk with a code word or two that you can use as a call back during the day when the going gets tough. In the example about: “let’s get going!” Say it to yourself and instantly return to the feelings of positivity and strength you had at the end of your morning pep talk!
You’ve got this! Believe in yourself and watch amazing things happen in your life.
Today is your day, and you’re going to make it a great one.
Dr. Seuss told us, “You’re off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, So … get on your way!”
Embrace Change with passion and see where it takes you – and along the way, remember to always be innovating, adapting, and thriving! What do you say?
I hope this book empowers you to take control of your thoughts and actions. I believe that people’s thoughts and motives determine their behavior and actions. Therefore, it’s essential to maintain positive thoughts and motives and recognize that we can change our thoughts when they drift toward negativity. Creating Change strives to help readers cultivate this self-awareness and to take steps toward personal growth and Change.
You can create the life you want and live with a positive mindset. “Let’s get going!”
CLICK HERE FOR YOUR FREE COPY OF MY EBOOK PICTURED ABOVE
Time is one of the most valuable tools you can have in your arsenal when it comes to Seduction. You might wonder why time is so important to Seduction? Well, it’s because time is fleeting.
We can never get our time back, so we must use it wisely. This is especially true in Seduction. When we view time as an advantage instead of a disadvantage things suddenly look different.
I’m sure you have heard the phrase “time is of the essence,” or “time is fleeting,” and what do they have in common? They remind us that there is no time like the present and we must use our time wisely before it passes us by.
The same is true in your use of time in the art of Seduction. Time is a crucial element that impacts us and/or peak performances and experiences. When we experience peak performance or are ‘in flow,’ time can be very easily distorted.
Time can move at a rapid pace or seem to slow down and pass in slow motion like a freeze-frame movie with all the sights, smells, and details tattooed on our brains. We can recall these moments in vivid detail as if they were happening to us again at that moment.
That is the beauty of using time to your advantage in Seduction. When you can build up the longing, desire, and anticipation over and over again, it makes the reunification time sweeter and more satisfying.
Give yourself permission to steal little moments away with your partner so that you can really test-drive this idea of using time to your advantage. There is a lot to say about the value of a ‘quickie’ from time to time or a forbidden tryst between PTA meetings.
So go ahead and try it!! Try it this week –use time to your advantage and see how quickly BIG sparks fly in a short period of time!
Learn more in my best-selling books– Exploring the Art of Seduction, Looking at the World Through Seducer’s Eyes, and Awakening Your Aura of Seduction available on Amazon and other fine retailers.
Pathways to Health–An Integral Guidebook presents a more comprehensive conceptual framework from which to view health and provides readers with tools and techniques to achieve a state of greater wellness. Dr. Acquista takes self-help to a whole new level using an easy-to-follow approach that goes beyond traditional and integrative methods. The intent of this guidebook is to lead readers to a new understanding of illness and wellness and to explore options that will improve their health. From this vantage point, readers complete an individualized map of their health and an action plan to achieve their personal goals for improved health and well-being. Pathways to Health–An Integral Guidebook offers readers the potential for genuine insight into their own health and the opportunity for profound healing in a truly holistic way. The Map Your Health Mission Designer provides a self-designed unique overview of health and clear steps to follow in order to travel to a place of better health.
CLICK TO GRAB YOUR PERSONAL COPY
A unique compilation of holistically themed health explorations and philosophical essays intended to help readers develop new insights and to facilitate transformation. A blend of philosophy, psychology, medicine, sociology, and spirituality by an integrally informed metaphysician. Revised and updated with new content in this second edition. This short book expands upon material introduced in Dr. Acquista’s groundbreaking self-help guide, “Pathways to Health — An Integral Guidebook”. Both books present Integral Theory concepts and their application to health in easy-to-understand language. Filled with insights to help promote personal growth, to achieve higher levels of health and well-being, and to develop an Integral Life Practice.
CLICK TO GRAB YOUR PERSONAL COPY
A new study finds that even just one conversation with a friend could make you feel more connected and less stressed.Many Americans these days (myself included) are feeling lonely and longing for more connection in life. At the same time, building relationships can seem like such a long-term and almost insurmountable task, especially if you’ve lost touch with friends or community lately. But a new study suggests that you can move the needle on your own feelings of connection and well-being by doing a very simple thing each day: having a chat with a friend.
Many ways to connectAcross three studies, researchers recruited over 900 students for a one-day experiment. During that day, they were asked to connect with a friend in one of seven different ways:
- Catch up about how you’ve been
- Have a meaningful conversation
- Laugh and joke around
- Show care, affection, and support
- Be a good listener
- Show you value them and their opinions
- Give them a compliment
At the end of the day, everyone filled out surveys about their emotions and their day overall, including how lonely, anxious, stressed, and connected they felt.
Ultimately, people who had just one interaction with a friend felt less stressed and more connected at the end of the day than those who didn’t. And it didn’t matter what they did together—whether it was being silly or having a deep discussion. That’s encouraging, because it means we don’t have to bare our souls or have a heavy conversation every time we want to connect. In fact, we don’t even have to talk very much at all, since one of the tasks was simply listening.
“There are lots of ways that we can behave that allow us to have a boost to our well-being and likely solidify our relationship,” says Jeffrey Hall, lead author of the study and professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas.
There were certain ways of connecting that had even more advantages. The more interactions people had with friends in one day, the more connected they felt, among other well-being benefits. In one of the studies, people who saw a friend face-to-face also felt less lonely and anxious and had a better day overall. Hall, who wrote a book on digital communication, says people simply talk longer when they are in person, alongside all the nonverbal cues they offer. “They feel present, heard, and aware,” he says.
Cycle of mutual engagementWhy didn’t it matter how people connected, whether they had a catchup or complimented someone on their outfit?
The researchers speculate that what all these interactions have in common is that we’re being responsive—paying attention in a way that could make our friend feel understood, validated, and cared for. That, in turn, may encourage them to be responsive to us. And together, that cycle of mutual engagement and attention helps us feel closer and more bonded.
Although this study looked at friends, the researchers suggest that there may be similar benefits to chatting with family or even strangers—although friends do seem to have something special.
“Friendship conversations are often some of the most pleasurable we have,” says Hall, because they might lack some of the tensions and stresses that come up when talking to relatives or romantic partners.
Alongside other new research suggesting that people appreciate us reaching out to them more than we expect—and that continuing a conversation with a stranger is surprisingly enjoyable—this work is a good reminder to take a little time to connect today. In the end, those conversations are the building blocks of deeper relationships.
“Since the pandemic, there is a need for many, many different voices to say in unison: It’s important for us to work at our relationships,” says Hall. “I hope to be part of a broader conversation that reminds people that if . . . you don’t prioritize the people that matter to you, [you] have a lot to lose.”
What are your beliefs about ‘faith’? Is it something only the righteous get to experience? Only those tied to an organized religion? Does it make any kind of difference to use ‘faith’ in our day-to-day lives?
The word ‘faith’ shows up in our language and conversations with each other. We say things like; ‘don’t you have faith in me? I have faith in them, it’s important to have faith in God, she has always been faithful to him” etc. But what does it really mean?
Perhaps the mechanism of faith is simply our ability to imagine and feel the experience that we desire as if it was happening in the present moment, even though it has not yet manifested in physical form. When we believe it’s possible and can feel how good it’s going to feel NOW – even without any immediate evidence – we are demonstrating faith.
What if ‘faith’ were simply our natural ability to create our reality through the quantum field? A skill we are born with and can gain experience and success with the more we use it?
Children do this naturally. They imagine how it is to be the doctor, teacher, or fireman in the moment when they play. Their joy comes from imagining the experience NOW – along with all of the good feeling that goes with it. If they keep at it long enough on the inside, they will manifest it in their lives at some point. We’ve all met these people during our lives – those that wanted to become a fireman, a singer, an actress, or a cowboy as a child and became one as an adult.
Faith is finding the ‘feeling place’ of what we desire (healthy body, successful work, financial freedom, connection to God, etc.), and training ourselves to focus our attention there – even though it has not happened yet. Faith is the skill of imagining what is possible with all of our senses regardless of how things are in our current reality.
Begin listening to the story you are telling yourself and others about your desire and noticing if it matches up to what you want to create. If it doesn’t match up, (you can tell if it feels bad or feels old and outdated to your own ears), it’s time to create a new story. Time to get creative and tell the story about how you want it to be. You don’t have to make up a ‘foo foo’ story that isn’t true for you in the moment, just tell a better one about where you are going. I like this one; ‘although I’m not yet sure how it’s going to happen, I can feel how good it’s going to feel when I get there. I’m excited about what is coming and can feel that good feeling right now. It feels good to feel good in this moment.’ Where you place your faith (attention and feelings) today will generate your future experiences for tomorrow.
How will you use your ‘faith’ today?
What are the 6Ws of Wellness? The 6W framework (who, what, why, where, when, and how) was initially used by journalists. However, the process eventually dripped into the corporate environment, used to hire employees or when designing a project or process. Using the 6Ws of Wellness will assist you in finding harmony in your health, wellness, and wellbeing.
Grab a coffee, sit back, and let’s see if your Wellness Wagon is on track.
We have been setting goals since time began. We just didn’t call it that, and we certainly didn’t dissect them using the 6Ws. We just take off running when we should sit, crawl, and walk first. Most goals fall through the cracks due to insufficient clarity and planning.
WHOLikely, you are not the only one involved in setting or accomplishing your goals. Who will support you other than YOU as you work toward getting healthier, wealthier, and wiser? Be specific…who…family, friends, co-workers, organizations, and other experts such as physicians, trainers, nutritionists, counselors, etc. Who might watch the kids when you train for that half marathon at the gym? Who will help you prepare meals for the family if you have different eating plans? WHO? The onus ultimately rests with you. No more blaming a nutritionist, trainer, or doctor. No more pointing fingers. You can do it, but you don’t have to do it all alone. Take responsibility for building your own tribe.
WHATWhen establishing goals, most of us know the “what.” The end game. “I want to lose 20 pounds…paint the house…get a new job.” Goals give us direction and purpose, but being clear and concise with you what is a gamechanger. Is your goal to improve your last lab results, spend time on self-awareness or creativity, repair a relationship with your father, or decrease your blood pressure, blood sugar, or cholesterol? WHAT is your focus? Oh, and don’t go too big. Baby steps matter.
WHYHow many times have you needed a do-over? How many years in a row has your New Year’s Resolution been the exact same? I had a client once who joked (funny, not funny), “I have lost the same 50 pounds 20 times, so I have lost and gained 1000 pounds. According to Inc.com, over 40% of Americans set a New Year’s Resolution, and 91% give up. On average, resolutions fall apart within four-six weeks.
Being healthy and happy transcends beyond how long you sleep, how many veggies you eat, and your Nautilus program at the gym. First, you must peel back the onion!
In my experience, my clients struggle the most to answer this part of the 6Ws. Why chase a goal if you are unclear about why you are doing it? Dig deeper by asking yourself why, why, why… You may have heard the process described as “peeling back the onion.” Why do I want to lose weight? Because I have no energy and nothing fits! Why do I want more energy? So I can play on the floor with my grandchildren! Why do you want to have fun with them? Because my grandparents were unhealthy and never played with us! Explore deeper and deeper until you find a reason so personal that you can grab onto it on those tough days when you want to give up. Action steps build momentum, and when you connect to a deeper WHY, the momentum takes on a life of its own. Soooo exciting.
WHEREThey say wherever you go, you are. Focusing on your health and wellness goes everywhere with you: home, work, restaurants, stores, gym, doctor’s, etc. This is why you need to be on your toes. There are opportunities around every corner to make healthy or unhealthy choices as you focus on your goals. How can you be prepared wherever you go?
WHENYou have the power to assess where you are at any given time. And you get to decide when to do something. No one can make you do what you don’t want to do. Creating strategies that work for you personally is where the secret sauce lies. “When” can work a few ways. Planning…when will you take action to get healthier? When will you walk? When will you go to sleep? When will you shop for groceries? When will you do your chores? Every action you take and when you it matters. Use a calendar to help you plan. Think of it as “meetings” with yourself. We have no problem blocking out time to take the kids to the doctor or a board meeting. But schedule an hour for yoga…whoa!
HOWThe how is the most ambiguous and frustrating, but if you keep experimenting, gathering data, and assessing your outcomes, you will keep moving forward. Utilizing medical reports and lab results might help you determine why and how. Meeting with health and wellness experts can help you create a physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and financial plan to map out your how. How will you get there? Tracking can be motivational. Data can encourage you to keep pushing forward. Many people use vision boards to keep them focused. Others track their progress on Excel worksheets, smartwatches, nutrition and meditation apps, body measurements, and more can help you stay on track.
Your willingness to dive in and discover where you are and where you want to go is exciting. The 6Ws of Wellness is one way to keep you focused and on track. Work through your goals and see what you come up with.
Whenever you feel you are falling off track, you are likely missing one of the 6Ws. Don’t you love it when you have control, and things seem to “happen” on their own?
Improving your life is not a quick fix. But, as long as you remain focused, diligent, and consistently take action, you will see improvements. You could even see improvements as soon as today.
It is time to take responsibility for the role you have in your own wellness. We have learned from our past. Haven’t we? If so, why do we keep repeating the same mistakes? Let’s figure it out and own it.
There is no magic pill when it comes to health, wellness, and wellbeing. But I know you can do it.
You go, you.
Travis and Jason Kelce, both professional football players, have spoken publicly about their close relationship with their mother, Donna Kelce. The Kelce brothers credit their mother for instilling in them the values of hard work, perseverance, and family. In interviews, they have mentioned how their mother’s sacrifices and unwavering support have helped them become the successful athletes they are today.
The Kelce brothers’ relationship with their mother is a testament to the importance of mother-son bonding and the impact that a supportive and nurturing mother can have on her children’s lives.
Research has shown that the bond between a mother and son can have a significant impact on a child’s emotional and social development.
A mother’s love and care can provide a sense of security and help build self-confidence in her son. This bond can also help a child develop empathy, as a mother’s nurturing nature can teach her son to be compassionate and caring towards others.
The Kelce brothers’ relationship with their mother serves as an excellent example of the positive impact that a strong mother-son bond can have on a child’s development and overall success in life.
Most of our beliefs about ourselves have come from outside sources: people, education, and experiences. Many of us have allowed the opinions of others to become our opinions of ourselves. We’ve listened to people tell us things about ourselves and then we’ve internalized, processed, and believed what they have told us. If they told us good things like we are beautiful, smart, intelligent, and talented, then we probably have built some confidence and self-esteem. But if they told us things like you are stupid, inadequate, incompetent, fat, ugly, bad, or unworthy, then we very likely have developed a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.
There is a direct correlation between the quality of our relationships and our levels of self-esteem and self-confidence. If we are like most people, how we feel about ourselves, good or bad, is largely dependent upon the degree of acceptance we have felt from the influential people in our lives.
In the beginning, we learned our beliefs and values from our parents. If their self-esteem was low or they had poor self-concepts, values, and beliefs, then that’s what we learned. If they felt inferior, inadequate, or unworthy, we probably adopted those qualities as well.
When we are children, we go through an “imprint period” where we formulate our behavior patterns based on what is impressed upon our thought patterns by the adults who are instrumental in our development.
If we were told, “You are bad,” it really meant our behavior was unacceptable but most of us didn’t hear it that way. We internalized it to me that we were unacceptable. Most parents don’t realize how important it is to separate the ‘act’ from the ‘child.’
If we were compared negatively to other children, especially children outside of our immediate family, we might have believed those children had more abilities and were more popular than we were. That is when feelings of inferiority set in. If we didn’t receive appreciation or recognition for our achievements then, we may believe others are smarter, stronger, or better than we are now.
As a child, were you compared to someone else? How did that affect you? How are you allowing it to affect you now?
A clinical psychologist explains how these science-backed practices can improve mental healthRachel Goldsmith Turow, Seattle University
Mindfulness and self-compassion are now buzzwords for self-improvement. But in fact, a growing body of research shows these practices can lead to real mental health benefits. This research – ongoing, voluminous, and worldwide – clearly shows how and why these two practices work.
One effective way to cultivate mindfulness and self-compassion is through meditation.
For more than 20 years, as a clinical psychologist, research scientist, and educator, I taught meditation to students and clinical patients and took a deep dive into the research literature. My recent book, “The Self-Talk Workout: Six Science-Backed Strategies to Dissolve Self-Criticism and Transform the Voice in Your Head,” highlights much of that research. I learned even more when I evaluated mental health programs and psychology classes that train participants in mindfulness and compassion-based techniques.
Defining mindfulness and self-compassionMindfulness means purposefully paying attention to the present moment with an attitude of interest or curiosity rather than judgment. Self-compassion involves being kind and understanding toward yourself, even during moments of suffering or failure.
Both are associated with greater well-being.
But don’t confuse self-compassion with self-esteem or self-centeredness, or assume that it somehow lowers your standards, motivation or productivity. Instead, research shows that self-compassion is linked with greater motivation, less procrastination and better relationships.
Could mindfulness meditation be the next public health revolution?Be patient when starting a meditation practiceI didn’t like meditation – the specific practice sessions that train mindfulness and self-compassion – the first time I tried it as a college student in the late ‘90s. I felt like a failure when my mind wandered, and I interpreted that as a sign that I couldn’t do it.
In both my own and others’ meditation practices, I’ve noticed that the beginning is often rocky and full of doubt, resistance, and distraction. But what seem like impediments can actually enhance meditation practice, because the mental work of handling them builds strength.
For the first six months, I meditated, my body and mind were restless. I wanted to get up and do other tasks. But I didn’t. Eventually, it became easier to notice my urges and thoughts without acting upon them. I didn’t get as upset with myself. After about a year of consistent meditation, my mind seemed more organized and controllable; it no longer got stuck in self-critical loops. I felt a sense of kindness or friendliness toward myself in everyday moments, as well as during joyful or difficult experiences. I enjoyed ordinary activities more, such as walking or cleaning.
It took a while to understand that anytime you sit down and try to meditate, that’s meditation. It is a mental process, rather than a destination.
How meditation works on the mindJust having a general intention to be more mindful or self-compassionate is unlikely to work. Most programs shown to make meaningful differences involve at least seven sessions. Studies show these repeated workouts improve attention skills and decrease rumination, or repeated negative thinking. They also lessen self-criticism, which is linked to numerous mental health difficulties, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self-harm, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
Meditation is not just about sustaining your attention – it’s also about shifting and returning your focus after the distraction. The act of shifting and refocusing cultivates attention skills and decreases rumination. Trying repeatedly to refrain from self-judgment during the session will train your mind to be less self-critical.
An interconnected group of brain regions called the default mode network is strikingly affected by meditation. Much of this network’s activity reflects repetitive thinking, such as a rehash of a decadeslong tension with your sister. It’s most prominent when you’re not doing much of anything. Activity of the default mode network is related to rumination, unhappiness, and depression.
Research shows that just one month of meditation reduces the noise of the default mode network. The type of meditation practice doesn’t seem to matter.
Don’t be discouraged if your mind wanders as you meditate.Establishing the formal practiceA common misconception about mindfulness is that it’s simply a way to relax or clear the mind. Rather, it means intentionally paying attention to your experiences in a nonjudgmental way.
Consider meditation the formal part of your practice – that is, setting aside a time to work on specific mindfulness and self-compassion techniques.
Cultivating mindfulness with meditation often involves focusing on paying attention to the breath. A common way to start practice is to sit in a comfortable place and bring attention to your breathing, wherever you feel it most strongly. At some point, probably after a breath or two, your mind will wander to another thought or feeling. As soon as you notice that, you can bring your attention back to the breath and try not to judge yourself for losing focus for five to 10 minutes.
When I was just getting started meditating, I would have to redirect my attention dozens or hundreds of times in a 20-to-30-minute session. Counting 10 breaths, and then another 10, and so on, helped me link my mind to the task of paying attention to my breathing.
The most well-established technique for cultivating self-compassion is called loving-kindness meditation. To practice, you can find a comfortable position, and for at least five minutes, internally repeat phrases such as, “May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I live with ease.”
When your attention wanders, you can bring it back with as little self-judgment as possible and continue repeating the phrases. Then, if you like, offer the same well wishes to other people or to all beings. Every time you return your focus to your practice without judging, you’re flexing your mental awareness, because you noticed your mind wandered. You also improve your capacity to shift attention, a valuable anti-rumination skill, and your nonjudgment, an antidote to self-criticism.
These practices work. Studies show that brain activity during meditation results in less self-judgment, depression, and anxiety and results in less rumination.
Mindfulness also occurs when you tune into present-moment sensations, such as tasting your food or washing the dishes. An ongoing routine of formal and informal practice can transform your thinking. And again, doing it once in a while won’t help as much. It’s like situps: A single situp isn’t likely to strengthen your abdominal muscles, but doing several sets each day will.
When thoughts pop up during meditation, no worries. Just start again … and again … and again.Meditation reduces self-criticismStudies show that mindfulness meditation and loving-kindness meditation reduce self-criticism, which leads to better mental health, including lower levels of depression, anxiety, and PTSD. After an eight-week mindfulness program, participants experienced less self-judgment. These changes were linked with decreases in depression and anxiety.
One final point: Beginning meditators may find that self-criticism gets worse before it gets better. After years or decades of habitual self-judgment, people often judge themselves harshly about losing focus during meditation. But once students get through the first few weeks of practice, the self-judgment begins to abate, both about meditation and about oneself in general.
As one of my students recently said after several weeks of mindfulness meditation: “I am more stable, more able to detach from unhelpful thoughts and can do all of this while being a little more compassionate and loving toward myself.”
Rachel Goldsmith Turow, Adjunct Assistant Professor in Population Health Science and Policy, Seattle University
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
The Benefits of Laughing to WellbeingLaughing is contagious and has many proven benefits to our Wellbeing. The eminent psychologist on laughter, Robert Provine, Ph.D., of the University of Maryland, sustains that laughter is about relationships. It is a social connector.
“World Laughter Day” was established in India, on 10 May 1998, by Dr. Madan Kataria, Founder of the worldwide “Laughter Yoga movement“, and it is now celebrated in early May worldwide.
The World needs more laughter, more positivity, and a far greater positive outlook. A genuine smile pairs with intention in conversations that are characterized by deeper and authentic listening.
When was the last time you laughed from your heart? Do you remember the last time you spoke to someone, finding yourself laughing out loud? Do you remember how you felt?
Given what is happening in the World, at the macro and micro levels, you’ll agree with me that we need more laughter in our lives and at work. No, you won’t lose your credibility if you laugh more with colleagues and peers. Being credible and revealing yourself as being human are not mutually exclusive.
A smile goes a long way: Not only does it help feel more relaxed, shifting the energy within, but it will also enhance your connection with the people around you.
Laughter builds trust: It paves the way towards more self-compassion, in turn generating more empathy in everyday communication.
On the 7th of May, which marks World Laughter Day this year, bring some fun into your day by challenging yourself with extra, intentional smiles.
Learning to laugh/smile more requires “deliberate change”. Change in the brain response to inner and outer stimuli. Instead of defaulting to a day-by-day habitual mood, try to bring a gentle smile to your lips, and observe any shift occurring within you and how this will shape your next conversation.
How to laugh more?
Watch your favourite comedy or movie.
Read a funny book.
Gather some friends to tell jokes and get your diaphragm working!
Try a “Laughter yoga” class. Kundalini Yoga embeds diaphragmatic laughter too. it is an exhilarating experience!
Smile more during meetings and when you converse with people.
“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. ” –Woody Allen
To more laughter this weekend and beyond.
Should you wish to explore more of the benefits of laughter, feel free to visit the link provided below.
Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-it/201503/7-research-based-reasons-laugh-every-chance-you-get
Anger and violence are everywhere. Family violence in our homes, bullying, and shootings in our schools, anger on the sports field, the playground, and road rage in our cars are the chosen ways for many to solve problems. But, does it really resolve anything? Cultural differences and differences of opinion aren’t solved by violence and anger. They only deepen the wedge and wounds of separation, creating more distrust and violence.
We’re bombarded with newscasting that dramatizes theft, home invasion, corruption, killing, kidnapping, and more. And this is just about what’s happening locally in our own neighborhoods and nearby towns. Yes, it makes for headline news, but do I really need to know all that 24/7? Do you? Unfortunately, it fills our waking and sleeping states and who knows what distortions it generates in our subconscious minds.
Are we undergoing a moral crisis in this country and also globally? Is there hope for peaceful coexistence, collaboration and cooperation, and the conscious decision that we are stewards of the world we live in?
Stewardship means the care and responsible oversight of something of value and pertains to the management of property, finances, and estates. Commercial stewardship refers to caring for the domestic and service requirements of passengers and guests on ships, trains, airplanes, and restaurants.
Today we’re rightly concerned with the stewardship of our natural resources for the purposes of preservation and sustainability over time and for leaving a legacy for future generations. Yet, it seems vital right now to extend the meaning of stewardship to each other. We decide that it’s time to recognize the joint responsibility we all have to safeguard one another. Human life and human dignity are valuable assets to protect as I believe all life is. Life is worth caring for and preserving.
Just as we choose our friends, recreation, and our preferences about clothes, cars, and food, how we act and what we transmit to others verbally, physically, or in our minds is also a choice. Choosing service beyond self-interest is a critical selection. Technological developments advance us in so many wonderful ways and truly connect us instantly across vast oceans and time zones. Yet, the spiritual and humanitarian values that can preserve and advance civilizations have unfortunately regressed.
Individually and collectively, we have an urgent and growing responsibility to support and practice compassion, goodwill, peaceful conflict resolution for one another and for ourselves with the utmost care.
We can quiet the internal churning of hatred, intolerance, impatience, and anger. Think before spewing hate and embracing greed. And, we can also remember and find ways to recognize that when we wrong someone else, we also wrong ourselves. Together we are immeasurably wonderful and powerful, and we can create a world that breeds love and creative possibility.
Dear ones many of you are asking how to move into the 5D state of consciousness and once there how to maintain that vibrational state. We tell you, the way is clear. It has always been clear and it will always remain clear. The only thing blocking your entry is you. The gift of free will means you determine what you’ll permit and what you’ll oppose. If you desire to enter into the 5D state then you must permit yourself to raise your vibration to gain entry and oppose everything that would prevent this from happening.
Give yourself permission to step out of the place of fear and doubt and then allow yourself to step into the place of certainty and trust
How can you raise your vibration? Through your conscious choice to align with bliss and reject everything that’s not in alignment with that state. You must consciously choose to align the entirety of your being with Divine truth. Divine truth recognizes only love, joy, and peace. Therefore you must move into vibrational harmony with your highest good. The Divine cannot and will not lower their vibration to include you in a lowered state. You must also recognize that what’s best for you is that which is already desired for you by the Divine. Give yourself permission to step out of the place of fear and doubt and then allow yourself to step into the place of certainty and trust. For, it is within this place of certain good that miracles abound.
You cannot pick and choose among yourselves who you will bless and you will curse, you must open your heart to all
The 5D conscious state is not a place you’ll be transported to, it’s a vibrational state of being in which you’ll exist. The longer you hold this state of vibrational beingness the easier it will be for you to remain in it and be an example for others who are still questioning the need to live in this state. As you demonstrate the contentment and bliss you’ve gained from this way of being, others will be encouraged to make their own way into this state. It’s important to remember that all are one. Therefore, as one prospers, all prosper. The more who honor the ideal vibrational state the better existence for everyone. You cannot pick and choose among yourselves who you will bless and you will curse, you must open your heart to all.
Whether it’s self-hatred or hatred toward another the energy of destruction must be released before entry will be permitted
The way into bliss is narrow, it requires that you let go of all of the attitudes, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that are limiting, judgmental or negative. The gate to entry bars those who are bent on destruction from crossing its threshold. Whether it’s self-hatred or hatred toward another the energy of destruction must be released before entry will be permitted. All those ways in which you’re criticizing yourself or others are keeping you bound to a lower order of existence. Even though you will remain in the physical body while you’re on earth you must remember that your spirit’s not confined within the physical vessel. To advance you must set yourself free.
No one will be denied entry, regardless of their past misdeeds as long as they have released the darkness of negativity that was keeping them bound to a lower order
Once you allow yourself to let go of all of the heaviness you’ve created by feeling bad about yourself, your world, or someone else you will automatically begin moving to the more ideal state of the fifth dimension. No one will be denied entry, regardless of their past misdeeds as long as they have released the darkness of negativity that was keeping them bound to a lower order. On the other hand, no one who tries to force their way forward will see significant progress or lightning within their energetic field. Free will states that each individual must freely choose to release that which no longer serves them so they may receive their highest good. Force is not free will and free will cannot be forced, it must be chosen.
If you feel a state of contented bliss, congratulations, you’re moving into a state of being that will enable you to remain within the 5D state
To choose successfully, set before yourself the path you are currently on. Assess this path for its intrinsic value. What are you gaining in terms of quality of life, relationships, personal growth, spiritual advancement, revenue, and joy? If you feel a state of contented bliss, congratulations, you’re moving into a state of being that will enable you to remain within the 5D state. If you feel some areas of discomfort simply modify your behavior within those areas until you feel the energy within you flowing freely without restrictions. This means you must correct situations as they arise rather than ignoring them and hoping they’ll resolve themselves. Don’t wait, be quick, and do the inner work before the problem becomes insurmountable.
You are the commander of your energy. You are the creator of your life. It is you who determines what you will allow yourself to tolerate
If you’ve found yourself on a path of dissatisfaction, then it’s time to do the work of discovery. Take each aspect of your life separately and determine your level of satisfaction or contentment. In those areas where there is dissatisfaction, commit to doing the inner work, releasing the negativity, and allowing yourself to align with a higher vibrational state. The greater your overall satisfaction, the greater your alignment with your highest good, and the greater your ability to remain in the continual state of 5D consciousness. You are the commander of your energy. You are the creator of your life. It is you who determines what you will allow yourself to tolerate.
Release the heavy weight of negativity, honor all aspects of yourself, and give yourself permission to feel good
Instead of being complacent and allowing outer circumstances to determine your inner state of peace, be proactive. Release the heavy weight of negativity, honor all aspects of yourself, and give yourself permission to feel good by choosing to exist within the 5D conscious state of love, joy, and peace.
Empathy is a fundamental human trait. To a large extent, it’s what makes us human. (Scientists say empathy can be impaired by narcissism or sociopathy). We all know this is important, and we all know we need more of it. Here are six ways we can improve our abilities related to empathy.
Living your life fully regulated and balanced is like toasting a perfect piece of toast (whatever that looks like to you).
When we envision our perfect life we have a picture that goes along with it. Hopefully, that picture is fully in color and sharp and clear. One that gives you a wonderful feeling inside.
The same can be said about your ideal piece of toast (whatever type you prefer, including gluten-free products) and what it looks and smells like as you imagine that picture inside your mind. (sub-modalities aside)
The reason I am sharing this comparison is because of the way the toaster oven component of my stove works.
I have a two-door oven with the top section being smaller for smaller items and it has a toast mode that we use in the mornings (and to reheat pizza, but that’s for another post) to make our toast. Push the “toast” button, it tells you that four minutes is the right amount of time, and it sets the right combination of oven temp and broiler timing.
If you put your toast in and it is a cold stove, the settings work fine and you get an almost perfect piece of toast every time. However, if the oven was used before and it is still warm inside then you will burn your toast almost every time. Unless you recognize the situation and adjust your settings accordingly.
The same can be said about our emotional response to situations.
I use the example of road rage when I talk about this with my clients. Imagine you are driving down the road and someone doesn’t use their turn signal or maybe they won’t let you merge in the lane as you need to. Usually, this isn’t an overly dangerous situation and one that most people deal with daily and just move on with their journey.
There are those that get infuriated with these behaviors and blow their top. The reason they get so upset is usually not the event itself so much as what this event brings up within them. It usually connects them to something that is a bigger issue in their lives and this event becomes a symbol of that issue.
Similar to that warm oven that burns the toast.
As we clear out those negative emotions (anger in this case) and also process and deal with any limiting beliefs from the past, then we can look at each situation with clear eyes and see it for what it is.
Living our lives regulated and balanced, invoking that ideal picture and feelings of living the life we desire. Just like that perfect piece of toast.
As you may have guessed, Humor is very important to me and one of my highest values in work and personal life.
I also use metaphors and analogies a fair amount since our unconscious mind works in symbols and stories and I find people can make the biggest shifts within the two.
The last couple of decades in the life of planet Earth have been very strange ones indeed.As a writer and observer of as much of the world as I can learn about without extensive travel, I have seen that there very much appears to be a revolution going on.
It’s not a noisy revolution with lots of human victims. It is a quiet one that’s taking place inside the minds of people, at least the people who are paying attention.
It’s a revolution In attitudes. A lot of the things we didn’t think about so much are being thought about. And these thoughts are congealing into a new kind of cement that is binding the world together in a strange way.
It starts with the way we think about where the world is going. Right now, it’s divided up into a few hundred countries, each with its own challenges.
But this revolution is congealing around many of the things that all these countries have in common. Like how they are going to keep their air clean and their water supply plentiful. How they are going to grow enough food to feed all their people. How are they going to attract investment for their industries. What kind of world they will leave their children.
Part of the reason for this type of thinking is that for a lot of people, it has become clear that the world can no longer afford to go on creating products at the expense of the environment. The air is saturated with carbon, from the mining of metals to the manufacturing of products to the massive number of fossil fuel-burning machinery operating at any given time.
Truth be told, all these things; air, water, food, shelter, transportation, and fuel, are all tightly interrelated, and the old-school fossil fuel-driven processes required to keep this relationship going are quite simply choking us, slowly but surely, to death.
Two Roads ForwardThere are two roads we can take from here. One is to continue on the way we have come. To keep using fossil fuels and delude ourselves into thinking that someone, somewhere, at some time in the hopefully near future will come up with a way to keep these fossil fuels from producing the carbon that is killing us.
Or, we can take the other road, which it very much appears that we are doing, in limited ways, by turning to the gifts the earth has given us, the energy from the sun, the ability to harness wind and water, and the heat deep in the earth’s crust. The ability to use other non-toxic elements, like oxygen and hydrogen in ways that create the power we need to run just about anything but with exponentially less toxic by-products.
All of this is going on right now. Thousands of forward-thinking minds are at work all around the globe developing new and better ways to create power, grow food without the need for toxic chemicals, clean the air and provide us with all the energy we need to survive and thrive here on earth.
The Catch 22And there’s always one of those, and that is that the vested interests and most powerful businesses on the planet are the ones who are killing it.
They are resisting change because the market-driven commodities: oil, natural gas, coal, and nuclear, are in almost complete control of the economies of most countries in the world. And the people who run the majority of those energy companies have no desire to see things change. And they have no desire to invest in transforming their businesses into those that would protect our environment from further degradation.
It’s All About The BenjaminsThe amount of capital that any of these large companies would have to lay out to change their modus operandi is staggering, to say the least.
And it’s always going to be cheaper for them to keep on pumping money into the back pockets of politicians who will keep the environmental laws from hurting these behemoths in any substantial way.
And that’s where it is suddenly very clear that it’s the people of the earth that need to force these companies to change. Through the choices they make in the cars that they drive, in the food they buy, and in the lifestyle they re-shape around conservation and renewability.
You’d be surprised at just how effective a weapon the will of the people can be.
And we are seeing it take hold in certain parts of the world. Like the Scandinavian countries, and countries in the Pacific Rim, including China and Vietnam, that have made massive investments in solar and wind power. We’re seeing it in developments in the steel industry working to reduce and eliminate carbon pollution from the steel-making process. And we’re seeing it in the ever-growing market share that electric vehicles are starting to develop.
The Paris Climate Accord was a positive step forward for the world, but its progress has been slow and tedious, slowed down to a great extent by the capital that countries all over the world have had to lay out to fight the Covid pandemic.
But in spite of all that, companies in the renewables sector continue to keep coming up with ideas, and continue to refine those ideas to make them workable on a larger scale.
There is progress. There is forward momentum too, You really don’t have to look too far to see it.
Sooner or later, these renewable industries will reach a critical mass and start to displace the carbon-based industries, mostly thanks to the will of the people, and their desire to see the human race survive the end of the industrial revolution and herald the new renewable era in our life here on earth.
I’ve written extensively over the past several weeks about being at the beach. It is my happy place. Being relocated for the past four months has had its challenges, but it has also been chock-full of blessings.
Our home is still being remodeled due to the aftermath of Hurricane Ian last fall. We lived there for only two months. I know, bummer, right?! We were forced to relocate and have been living one hour south until it is completed. Finding the blessings in the curses is what I do best. If you are looking in your rear-view mirror, you cannot see what is in front of you.
We are currently staying one mile from the beach and may only be here another month. I decided it was time to spend my last few weeks watching the sunrise, smooshing my feet into the white sand, and swimming in the salty waters.
As I lay drying off from my swim in the 78-degree Gulf Coast waters, I realized today was the first day in a long time my monkey brain might be forced by nature to take a break. During my swim, the waves were crashing like I’d never seen them before, and my mind couldn’t play its game of distraction as I had to concentrate on the undertow. And now, as I lay on my pink and white polka-dotted towel, the breeze is flowing through me like a ping-pong ball in a Pac-Man game.
It was time to see if I could remain thought-free and listen to my body or other messages being sent to me. For most of my career, I have shared Western medicine approaches to health, wellness, and wellbeing. However, I have a robust spiritual connection and killer intuition.
Before closing my eyes, my 3-D mind notes the huge skyscrapers behind me. I take a few deep breaths and settle in. I begin a rhythmic breath with my arms spread out to the side like a female Jesus on the cross. Feeling the weight of my body press into the sand, I begin to feel weightless. When I “ground” myself, I work from head to toe. Like many of you, I perhaps have the same approach. Visualizing my feet tethered to Mother Earth right down to her bubbling core center, and I then begin working up through my chakras. Being aware of all my energy centers is crucial to me. When I am off kilter – I am off-kilter! Dependent on my restricted areas, I eat foods aligned with my chakras, such as yellows and oranges for my solar plexus, and throw on some jewelry to match. You should see the 74-pound rose quartz I have. She is a beauty.
Today was a unique experience. My human brain didn’t need to lead a body assessment at all. The sea took care of that. Very quickly, I became aware that as the ocean waves crashed onto the shoreline, they were in sync with my breathing pattern. As I worked my way up from my root to my crown chakra, the thrashing of the current flushed my pipes, so to speak. Though I was about 30 feet away, I felt like my feet were in the sea, and the high tide worked through my vessel.
As the flushing continued, there was quite a bit of energy swirling in my root and sacral chakras, so I hovered. As the waves continued to crash, so did the energy push through my body. I am most in tune with my solar plexus located around the belly area, which represents confidence, purpose, and self-esteem. When it is off, I am well aware of it. Today she was a dancing ray of sunshine.
Upon the next few exhales, the energy of the waves began approaching my heart chakra. It felt a bit heavy, but not in a negative way. It felt full. Gushing and swirling like a little whirlpool of joy. It started to expand, and I feel the energy branch out and shoot into my shoulders and armpits. As the riptide continues moving up into my throat chakra, I realized it had been scratchy and sore when I woke up this morning. The flow felt like I was gargling in salt water. Now that was cool!
I realized the energy felt like white light today and pure, almost like what a white feather would feel like if you were tickled on the inside. Now you might think I am losing my mind, but I get weirder, trust me. A burst of energy rolled over my tongue. And I choked. It was like my tongue got thick, and I nearly swallowed it. Within seconds, it moved into my third eye. The space between my eyebrows became hot and pressurized. It was like the entire top of my head was ready to burst. My mind’s eye saw a beam of light or a funnel stretching through my crown chakra and connecting to the sun just off to my left. It looked like a luminating gold Twizzler stuck to the sun.
I pinged back into my earthly world and felt the urgency to see what time it was—only seven minutes had passed. I set up grateful, aligned, and thanked all the beautiful messages that came in from Spirit—a seven-chakra tour in only seven minutes.
Have you ever thought about how much information we take in throughout our day? Radio broadcasts, television shows, information shared verbally, words in print, images, and songs, all these sources continue to play in our heads hours after we encounter them.
As we take a moment to eat dinner, relax at the end of the day or lie in bed, our minds continually process all the input from our day. Such mental clutter leaves us feeling unsettled consciously and subconsciously.
Often, the activities we pick to help us to relax or decompress only add to the clutter within. For instance, watching television, reading a book, or talking to a friend or spouse only has us taking in more information.
I encourage you to be aware of the above and instead allow yourself to make time to draw your attention inward to the sensations of the breath in our bodies, slowing our mental activity enough that our minds begin to settle. Take a walk, do some stretching or yoga, practice deep breathing exercises, or stare at the night sky and stars.
The key is to draw your attention away from mental activity. Once you are mentally relaxed, you can begin the process of clearing the mind of all its clutter. Daily setting aside time to clear the mind over time can become second nature, with less effort. The mind becomes more open and receptive to new experiences, new information because it is free of yesterday’s clutter.
I encourage you to give it a try this week!
I do not surrender myself to guides, ascended masters, beings of light, or other energies. Rather, I know them to be Allies who guide me as I surrender to the eternal light of source which resides within me and to which I am directly connected from the beginning.
It’s time to GO DIRECT!
My inner spark. I feel the flow of energy along the kristinline cord which runs through my light body, my heart… it’s magnetic pull from my roots, igniting the neuro pathways of my being as I become PRESENCE
I AM in breathing
I AM absorbing
I AM expanding
I AM Projecting
The primordial light of my true essence and the current of essence which runs through the whole of life. The whole of Creation.
It’s time to GO DIRECT
I AM the STAFF and I AM the ROD
I AM the light that will not veil.
I AM PRESENCE
It’s time to GO DIRECT
Gently anchored to the bounty of the earth and spirit.
In-Body, In Power, In-Soul
I AM my I AM Presence
I walk in PEACE
I walk in the cosmic fires and rays fed through the pillar of light. No harm comes to me.
Through my body, the vibration of my love is offered and added to the currents of life for those who wish to be reminded of their own light. The signs are in the earth, air, seas, and skies. When looked upon my gaze, it is seen through my eyes. Felt in the Heart.
When taken in through the body and breath I AM the fire that will ignite and awaken others by PRESENCE. The flames embodied are infinite, dancing together in harmonic resonance.
Allow PRESENCE to flow in and through the body.
It’s time to GO DIRECT!
Love You,
Gina
Nursing school was rocky for me, at best. The community college where I received my Associate Degree in Nursing (ADN) had a perfect record of students successfully passing state boards on the first sitting. Never a failure on their part. To ensure this excellent record remain unstained they set the bar high. The last passing grade was 84%. Score 83.9% and you were out. If any of the instructors didn’t like you, you were out. No explanation needed; you were just done. I was fortunate. All but one of the instructors liked my empathy, my wit, and my goofiness. The one, a former army drill sergeant (no joking), did her best to get me removed… three times. I firmly believe to this day that she’s the reason I succeeded. Thus, she’s the reason many of my patients lived. My innate, highly acute intuition saved many people’s lives.
Ever wanted something so badly, especially when all odds were stacked against you, that failure was not an option? Yep, me too.
In the ’80s, the term neurodivergence was unknown. So, I clearly couldn’t have had it, right?
Looking back, I scratch my head in wonder at that young nursing student who pulled grades > 84%, passed every test – and clinic — in that nursing program, and passed her state boards on the first sitting. Now, I’m proud of what I accomplished. Yet I’m sorry to say it’s only been in the last few months that I’ve awakened to this realization.
That amazing young woman was beaten up, often, by the person who was closest to her: herself. Sadly, this continues to happen to other neurodivergent people every day. I’d be embarrassed to tell you what I told myself over the years. Suffice it to say, you can guess what it is. I’m making it my mission to call attention to this, to call it out, to shed light on – possibilities. To finding a way to elevate others like me. Other neurodivergent’s who continue to berate themselves because no one has shared with them their innate brilliance. They’ve yet to learn there’s a better way. Join me as I take this walk through the unknown, as I toss down a few words leaving a paper trail of hope for those who follow.
I ask my friends who have done this, could it be like walking The Camino de Santiago?
It’s so very normal for this question to come up in the exploration of our essential nature. But in my experience it’s always a move towards what’s more aligned — and therefore what feels better — so what’s to fear?
It’s so very normal for fear to arise in the nondual awakening exploration. Particularly with the direct path (as opposed to the progressive path) because with the direct path, we look directly at who you are and directly at what you’re not. It can be done gently and lovingly, which is totally my preference, but ultimately there is one recognition of who you really are.
When you’re identified with the mind, you don’t want to look at this and the obvious next question is ‘what will become of me?’
Why does this fear and question arise?Because when identified with the mind you believe that what you’re not is who you are. Read that again — there’s a belief that what you are not — what is not essential to who you are — is essential to who you are.
Can you feel the confusion that arises from believing that?
Can you see why the fear makes perfect sense?
Imagine it like this.There’s a person who was born holding a hat. They didn’t know they were holding a hat. It had always been there so it was invisible to them that this was an additional object. One day someone pointed out to them that the hat wasn’t essential to who they are. Instinctively they pulled the hat closer. And told the other person to go away and leave them alone.
This is the fear that arises.
And so, given we’ve grown up collecting more and more hats, with nobody telling us they’re not essential to us, it’s understandable that fear will arise when this is suggested. Because by this time you’ve come to identify with the hats, and you’ve collected so many of them, and they all look necessary for you to continue being you. So yes, you don’t like it when someone says they’re not who you really are.
If you do manage to entertain the consideration that they’re not who you are, the obvious question then arises “but what will become of me if I don’t hold onto all these hats?” (You get it that the hats are like thoughts and ideas, right?)
So therefore, in more detail, the question (and fear) is “what will become of me if I don’t [do this / behave like this / enjoy that / speak like this / have those people in my life / have this reputation / job / income]?”
I get it.On my journey, I had the fear of becoming an unmotivated blancmange in the corner (it was always a blancmange for some reason!).
I had the fear of becoming weird. Or woo woo.
Fear of becoming like ‘those’ nondual teachers.
And yet — the pull of the exploration drew me on. It far outweighed any fear that the mind could bring. And I was helped by my own coach reassuring me that the exploration doesn’t lead to a cookie-cutter outcome.
My clients tell me this too.
These same kinds of fears about who they will become if they keep exploring.
And yet I’ve never met or worked with anyone for whom these fears came true.
It doesn’t mean things don’t change. Friendships might change. Preferences might change. Your job might change. The kinds of things you talk about might change. And they might not.
We can’t predict it. And we don’t need to predict it because:
These things are not essential to who you are and so you are unaffected by them coming, going, or changing. If and when they do change, there is a known perfection to that. It’s often a relief. Always a move towards what’s more aligned — and therefore what feels better — so what’s to fear?
Have you been afraid of what will become of you? How does that feel now?
Much love, Helen
Have you ever wondered how people perceive the term “woke”? Guy Kawasaki conducted a LinkedIn poll asking just that. He wanted to know whether people view the term as positive or negative [negative won in his poll]. Kawasaki shared a national survey that showed most Americans view “woke” positively, which is encouraging.
After reflecting on Kawasaki’s poll and considering the current climate of weaponizing language, I found myself pausing to contemplate the implications of these issues. The word is heavily debated, particularly in the political sphere. Even the article Kawasaki referenced in his poll mentions multiple polls that suggest a divide over the term. I wanted to delve deeper into the meaning of “woke” and the weaponization of words in general.
NOTE: I’m not interested in starting a political discussion. Blue, red, left, right, them, us, they … we all have opinions. This article is simply about the impact of the weaponization of words.
I believe, I hope, we can still engage in productive conversations about complex issues without resorting to name-calling, or disrespectful and hostile language.
This returns us to my opening question, have you ever wondered how people perceive the term “woke”?
It’s essential that we recognize the impact of language and the weaponization of words.Using language to belittle or dismiss others creates a sense of isolation and exclusion, leading to a breakdown in constructive dialogue. In contrast, by using language that promotes empathy, understanding, and mutual respect, we can create a culture of communication that encourages progress toward social justice and greater unity.
When we use the term “woke,” it typically refers to being Informed, Educated, and Aware of social inequities. Unfortunately, the word has been weaponized to mock or belittle those committed to social justice or dismiss their concerns as unimportant or misguided. Unfortunately, this kind of word weaponization is not unique and is more prevalent and divisive than ever.
Using language as a weapon does not serve any constructive purpose. Instead, it contributes to the toxic culture of division and polarization that plagues our society. Recognizing that word weaponization has a lasting impact on future generations is critical. Children are particularly vulnerable to the harmful effects of divisive language and rhetoric.
In a study published in the Journal of Social Issues in 2017, researchers found that exposure to divisive language can significantly impact children’s psychological well-being. The study involved a group of 8-12-year-old children who were asked to listen to a short audio clip containing either neutral or divisive language. The children exposed to divisive language showed higher anxiety levels and a decreased sense of social belonging compared to those who heard neutral language. The study highlights the importance of monitoring the language used around children and its potential impact on their mental health.
There are plenty of studies that support this theory; here are four more:
- “The Power of Words: How Words Impact Children’s Development” by Dr. Erika Burrows and Dr. Rachel Barr (2019) – Examined the impact of language on children’s social and emotional development, including the effects of word weaponization.
- “The Weaponization of Language: How Verbal Aggression Affects Children’s Well-Being” by Dr. Angela M. Fournier and Dr. Barbara L. Fredrickson (2020) – Examined the impact of verbal aggression on children’s psychological well-being.
- “Media Exposure and Children’s Language Development: The Role of Word Weaponization” by Dr. Marie-Pierre Gosselin and Dr. Sandra Mathison (2017) – This study examined the impact of media exposure on children’s language development, focusing on the use of word weaponization in media content. The researchers found that exposure to word weaponization in media content can negatively affect children’s language skills and social-emotional development.
- “Family Dynamics and Children’s Language Development: The Impact of Word Weaponization” by Dr. Rachel Knight and Dr. Beth Kurtz-Costes (2018) – This study found that exposure to word weaponization in family interactions can adversely affect children’s language skills and emotional well-being.
These studies highlight the need for us to be aware of the potential harm that word weaponization causes children and to promote positive language use and healthy communication in various settings.
As a just society, we are responsible for creating a positive and constructive communication culture for our children and future generations. We must be mindful of our language and its impact on others, especially our youth. It means engaging in respectful and productive conversations, even when we disagree. And it means modeling behavior that promotes empathy, understanding, and mutual respect.
For example, by simply twisting the meaning of “woke,” those seeking to undermine progress toward social justice attempt to sow confusion and create a false narrative. Shouldn’t we work towards a more informed and unbiased public discourse using language accurately and responsibly? If for no other reason than for our children’s well-being.
The weaponization of language is a pervasive problem in our society. It leads to division, misunderstanding, and a lack of progress toward social justice. However, we can all play a role in creating a more positive and constructive communication culture. We can work toward a more informed and unbiased public discourse by being mindful of our language and its impact on others. We can commit to using language to promote understanding rather than division. Doing so can create a more positive and constructive communication culture for everyone. Our children and future generations depend on it.
So, what can you do to help? It starts with committing to using language to promote understanding and mutual respect, even when we disagree.
Second, listening to others and actively trying to understand their perspectives.
Third, it means engaging in productive conversations that help build bridges rather than walls.
Let’s do our part daily to promote empathy, understanding, and mutual respect. Doing so can create a more just and inclusive society for ourselves and future generations.
We are wired for delight
and equipped for pleasure
and so how lovely it is to
witness the ways gladness
can spread across a room
carried along on currents
of luscious laughter and
the contagion of giggles
Our taste inclines itself
toward sweet happiness
which hurries and leaps
into any crack or opening
and blossoms there
while smiles scatter seeds of
blessing in all directions
How exciting to experience
glee as it gallivants along
blowing the lid off the confines
of shoulds and cannots
as surely as the old jack-in-the-box
that finally bursts out of hiding
after being wound
too tight for too long
How delicious it can be to witness
joy jump over or jauntily stroll
around our daily concerns
and difficulties
creating irrepressible waves
of hope and possibility
in its wake
from the heart, mind, and pen of Minx
The concept of stillness is an integral part of our lives. Meditation, prayer, mindfulness, reflection, and alone time quiet our bodies and minds and help us ease our feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. Though, it is hard to bring ourselves to complete stillness. Because we have learned to rush, do more and do it faster.
Do you remember being a little kid when time seemed to drag, and you always wanted to be older? You couldn’t wait to become a teenager, get your driver’s license or graduate. As we become adults, we long for the slow-moving time of our younger years.
But how could we cultivate slowness when we can’t sit still long enough and breathe?
What is stillness?Stillness refers to a state of physical and mental calmness, tranquility, and absence of movement or noise. It is a state of being where the mind and body are relaxed, and there is a sense of inner peace. We achieve stillness through various practices such as meditation, deep breathing, and mindfulness. It allows us to slow down, disconnect from distractions, and be present at the moment. In stillness, we gain clarity, insight, perspective and access deeper consciousness and inner wisdom.
The simple definition of stillness is to become motionless and silent. I believe there is something deeper to the quality of this innate center of our being. There is something extremely dynamic to the element of stillness. When we get to this state in our bodies and minds, quite extraordinary mechanics can come through in terms of healing and self-regulation.
Within yourself is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.
― Herman Hesse
Why do we need stillness?Our bodies need to slow down to recharge. And slowing down helps us find our breath as a gateway to the present moment. Additionally, our brain and central nervous system need ease and quiet to repair. The heart of stillness is listening. And when we listen, we can hear what our bodies truly need or ask from us.
That creates an opportunity to connect with our true nature. Where we learn to be more at ease and cultivate more compassion, and by doing that, we may find a better sense of safety in ourselves and our environment.
When we get still, we also give those around us the potential to do the same. Furthermore, accessing our stillness, our true nature, has a ripple effect on the world around us.
I encourage you to give yourself the gift of slowing down today. Make time to practice stillness, as you need to slow down if you would like to speed up. Think about what that means to you.
Slow down to speed up.
We expect more from technology and less from each other. We create technology to provide the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship. If you want to change the way people respond to you, change the way you respond to people.
A walk down memory lane is a journey back in time, to a place where we can remember the good times, the bad times, and everything in between. It can be a time of nostalgia, laughter, and tears. It can be a time to reflect on our lives and appreciate all that we have. Which is why we are so grateful for the “gift” of genuine community experienced just a month ago during our Encounter 360° gathering in Tampa Bay, where we listened, we learned, we laughed and we shared tears of joy. More about it all here: NOURISHING HEARTS: A SYMPHONY OF TREASURED MOMENTS
Savoring Our Moments TogetherWe understand, appreciate and fully embrace the spirit of “Ichigo-Ichie”, the Japanese idiom that served as the foundation for the two-day experience, as we treasured every moment, recognizing that every moment, every gathering, and every encounter only happens once, and it will never be repeated in the same way again. If you haven’t already done so, perhaps it’s time to take a stroll through our 100+ photos, capturing so many special moments in time: ENCOUNTER 360° GALLERY And thanks to Richard Meyer, we’ve got a NEW SECOND GALLERY HERE.
Basic human contact – the meeting of eyes, the exchanging of words – is to the psyche what oxygen is to the brain. If you’re feeling abandoned by the world, interact with anyone you can.
~ Martha Beck
Rediscovering the “Magic” of Handshakes and HugsAs social creatures, humans need interpersonal contact to survive. These connections range from your inner circle of family and close friends to the outer rungs of your social network — and it’s important to have this variety. And what better way to initiate that social contact than with a hug or handshake? Handshakes and hugs are two simple gestures that can have a big impact on our health and well-being, making us feel more connected to others, reducing stress, and boosting our immune systems. Handshakes are a common greeting in many cultures around the world. They are a way of showing respect, trust, and goodwill. Studies have shown that people who shake hands more often are more likely to report feeling happy and satisfied with their lives. Handshakes can also help to reduce stress. When we shake someone’s hand, we release oxytocin, a calming and bonding hormone.
Hugs are another way of showing affection and support. They can be even more powerful than handshakes when it comes to reducing stress and boosting our immune systems. When we hug someone, we release oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, all of which have mood-boosting effects. Hugs can also lower blood pressure and heart rate. In addition to their physical benefits, hugs can also positively impact our mental health. They can help us to feel more connected to others, reduce loneliness and isolation, and increase feelings of self-worth.
So next time you see someone you know, don’t be afraid to reach out and shake their hand or give them a hug. These simple gestures can have a big impact on your health and well-being.
What’s Next?We’ve got plenty of “good stuff” filling up our proverbial whiteboard, so watch this space as we re-imagine even more ways to rediscover humanity at its best! And please know that we appreciate and thank all of you who have graciously joined our journey “for good”.
A Peek Under the Hood?As an aside, we’ve been approached by more and more people since the above gathering who want to learn more about what’s under our 360° Nation umbrella, inspiring us to create a one-time Online Event where the doors will be wide open to share more.
Join us here: 360° NATION INSIDE OUT**
Cause I know that
Fate could never force your hand.
Not in the future, not in the past
In every breath I can feel your resolve
Let yourself fall,
Run where the light calls.
Destiny can’t hold you down.
So, don’t look back over your shoulder now.
If there is nothing left inside the walls
Let yourself fall,
Run where the light calls.…. Luca Fogale
How many times have we felt that calling; that knowing but stayed where we were because it was safe? I know for me, more times than I care to remember.
I recently heard this song by Luca Fogale and it has stayed with me in a haunting yet beautiful way. It has landed on my heart, like a soft feather feeling the sweet affirmation to my life choices, and permission to keep moving forward in a way that is always walking toward the light.
As we grow into ourselves it is only with retrospect that we see how serendipity and or synchronicity shaped the trajectory of our path. Some choices were easier than others – energetically trusting that next step, a move, relationship or career change.
Other choices were harder – acknowledging our own boundaries or just doing what we know needed to be done. Perhaps it was protecting our peace, defending our family, or securing our future? It begs the question still: were we running FROM something or TO something different?
And then there were times as we were tripping over ourselves consciously choosing NOT to choose, which is a powerful choice. This is the safe space. It is not apathy, it is comfortable. And sometimes we need the familiarity to ground our thinking and know that we are protected. I can think of so many scenarios where this was my chosen path. No regrets.
Then as Paulo Coehlo shared so eloquently:
“One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through” ….
For me, this is running where the light calls.
This takes an immense amount of courage, trust, determination, and grace. It is a feeling under your skin, and in the deepest core of your being. It is an invisible pull you may not fully understand but trust the shades of grey and the clarity when it arrives.
The most challenging part of this process can be the perception of others, the idea you are resisting the ‘normal way’ or at least not following the story that others may have written or at least expected.
Unconventional, untraditional, out-of-the-box, rebel, or maybe just a little weird could be one viewpoint.
Adventurous, daring, brave, bold, or fearless could be another viewpoint.
And then the time will come, where these descriptors just don’t matter anymore.
Seasons change, we change, we move with our personal currents of truth, or we don’t.
I read once, if we do not change, we do not grow, and if we do not grow, we die.
I remain committed to growing and am dedicated to running where the light calls.
Almost 28 months ago, my husband and I moved from Houston Texas to Portugal. It was a thoughtful, energizing, and scary process. We knew there was something calling us to an expanded view of the world, to our relationship and family. It felt CRAZY and out of the normal path, but we could feel that invisible pull – we listened, and we moved. No regrets.
This is not for everyone – these are all very personal choices and should be held as such. There just comes a time, once you have the awareness and the feeling of resolve, it is giving yourself permission to fall, to fail, to soar.
In the past 2 years my life has expanded in ways that I never knew was possible:
Traveled to 7 countries.
Did stand up paddle board and stand-up paddleboard yoga in the Atlantic Ocean.
Took a cooking class in Paris.
Dove into the Ionian see off a boat.
Mastered a headstand.
Currently helping a 90-year-old friend recount her life history on paper.
Reconnected with my sister who I have not seen or known for 50 years….
This is not off a bucket list… It is my version of letting myself fall.
Running where the light calls.
Is there a light calling you?
Folk healers are people from all levels of society who live and work in intimate relationships with their environment. Their healing practices range from home remedies related to nutrition and treatment for minor illnesses to those with an intimate knowledge of medicinal plants. These healing practices have had their folklore preserved and passed down throughout the generations. Such healing practices are considered sacred and associated with certain kinds of rituals that help safeguard them.
It is interesting to note that in folk traditions, there is considerable overlap between healing plants and sacred plants, all honored with great respect and devotion through the act of ritual.
In the last few decades, there has been a growing interest in alternative forms of therapy on a global scale. The sacred Sanskrit-based Ayurvedic practice is such a therapy and for centuries was practiced by certain segments of society. Even today, Ayurveda is held in high esteem among the more ‘scholarly’ practices of modern biomedicine. The basic concepts of Ayurveda have been modified over the years with many spas and hotels offering more simplified versions of treatments, stimulating a sort of ‘tourism’ for well-being.
Personally, I find one of the more fascinating concepts of the Ayurvedic system is its five-element approach to nutrition. In Ayurveda, it is believed that all matter and energy consist of the five elements…Air, Water, Fire, Earth, and Ether. It is said that our personality traits carry a distinct vibration that corresponds to the food energy that is unique to our system. When we consider this, there is much truth to the saying, “we are what we eat.”
When we are young, our metabolisms are strong, so the body can better tolerate our not-so-healthy food choices. I know those powdery donuts are yummy, (sorry to call you out Dana!) But as we age, all that sugary junk food builds up a residue on our cells and creates what we call ‘oxidation.’ Think of it as the rust build-up on your car as it ages. If you do not regularly maintenance your car, you will eventually need a new one. Unfortunately, we do not have the ‘trade-in’ option on our bodies.
The body, being the physical manifestation of energetic intelligence, requires food that is in alignment with its vibration. When we feed our body the proper nutrition, healthy cellular activity happens spontaneously, allowing it to do the job it innately knows how to do…heal itself.
Our cells communicate with each other in a language all their own. When we “feel good” after consuming certain foods, it is a signal from our bodies that there is integration among the “whole”, working toward a state of balanced health.
Energetically speaking, all foods carry a particular vibration, and it is best to feed your body with the foods that best match your energetic signal. The quality of the food products you choose is equally important as poor quality equals poor digestion.
Let’s break this all down into the Ayurvedic system’s five-element approach to nutrition:
AIR- (breath and circulation) Corresponds with anxious, overly active personalities. Recommended foods include citrus fruits, nuts, fermented foods, yogurt, and acidophilus to balance intestinal tract health.
WATER- (soft tissue: skin, muscle, ligaments, etc.) This element represents the highly emotional personality. Helpful foods include water-based foods such as celery, cucumber, green leafy, squashes, and sea foods.
FIRE- (heat of digestive system) Persons of great mental energies represented here… Seeds, grains, and legumes (all rich in proteins), replenish these energies.
EARTH- (solid, bone material) Persons who engage in hard physical labor require foods of this category to replenish their systems…Root vegetables such as potatoes, carrots, beets, and onions.
ETHER- (represented in all the joints) The Ether element responds to the way in which food is prepared. Vital nutrients can be removed during preparation, so steaming as opposed to boiling is preferred for vegetables.
Now, if you are like me and love to explore more natural ways of boosting your body’s immune system and resistance to dis-ease, try this yummy little concoction I have created to sip with my tea!
Add 1 orange peel, 2 or 3 slices of fresh ginger, and the peel of 1 red onion (the crepey part we throw away) to a large saucepan filled with water. Cover and slowly bring to a boil over medium heat, allowing it to simmer for at least ten minutes. Then pour the hot fluid into your favorite mug with whatever tea you like and enjoy sipping on it all day!
The pith of the orange peel is your best source of vitamin C, the ginger will stimulate your digestion, (Oh boy, does it ever!) and the peel of the red onion is loaded with polyphenols, a natural antioxidant to help rid your cells of all that nasty oxidative stress.
It is that build-up of oxidative stress on our cells that contributes to disease. In fact, there is compelling data that Dementia and Alzheimer’s are deeply influenced by the lifestyle choices we make every day, such as, what we eat, how often we exercise, the quality of our sleep, and how we respond to stress.
Remember, this is just a general guide. Everyone will fall into several categories in the Ayurvedic approach to nutrition as each of our digestive processes is unique. So just be mindful of the way your body “feels” after consuming certain foods and you will enhance your quest for balanced health.
Happy munching!
Every April, people with autism and their families, friends, and advocates come together to celebrate people with autism, share their stories and create a more inclusive world—together. – Autism Speaks website
As most of you are aware, our oldest son, Matthew, was diagnosed with a form of autism over 10 years ago. It’s a challenge raising children in general. It’s more of a challenge raising children with special needs. The most challenging part for Jenn and me was being first-time parents and not knowing where to go for information, support, and guidance.
Life is not linear. There are many twists and turns as you know. Our son, Matt, is thriving. Upon diagnosis, his medical practitioners classified him as Level 1 on the Asperger’s Spectrum. Sounds like a foreign language when you are scared young parents trying to be the best parents you can be.
Matthew is a highly functioning 21-year-old. He is taking courses in college for music production, is a trained kickboxer moving towards his next belt level, and is a music artist/producer working with his best friend to make a name for himself in the music industry.
This month and every month, please celebrate and pray for people with autism. They are resilient, smart, and elite human beings and we can all learn so much from them.
I love you, Matthew. Love, Dad
Who do you celebrate today?
In my daily practice, I have been working with the mantra I will there be light. What does that mean? Let me explain further by sharing something that came out of a conversation later that morning.
I was very grateful for an unexpected affirmation that came out of a call that I was making to organise a session the two of us were running. Sheona made an observation around the shift that they had been witnessing in my presence. One I had felt myself and by voicing it, she gave confirmation of that, an unexpected gift.
If we look at the world with benevolent and loving eyes then we will receive benevolence and love in return. I recognise how difficult this can be. We are all human too and it’s not to deny that we experience pain, betrayal, and suffering! That said it is worth remembering that hurt people hurt people. Let me show you an example of the magic that happens when we can transmute our pain.
Last weekend I had a need to go out and be with other people. And yet no matter what I attempted to organise everything seemed to be falling through. In my spiritual practice that day I was asked to reflect on grievances. At that moment I had a few.
The synchronicity of what happened made me laugh as I was aware of a grievance forming in relation to a group that I belong to. Initially, I felt the anger and injustice and could not get past that. At the same time, I realised that those emotions were causing me pain and made me feel alone. I took a moment to pause and go within to connect to what lay beneath all that: love.
It took a while and then I received a clear message about what to do. It meant allowing for the humanity of another and coming from grace. When I could do that I was able to see a clear path through it all.
I contacted a single friend of mine and asked her if she wanted to go out to a gig run by a bunch of women DJs for International Women’s Day as I knew it wasn’t my hubby’s cup of tea. She said yes and we went. We had an amazing time.
It was so much fun. I made some new friends and got invited to a party in May. Then three of us realised we all had birthdays within a week or two of each other and so we have decided to run a joint birthday party. I could never have expected all that from a night out plus there were some very helpful work opportunities which I may share more about when the time is right.
All this is an example of an everyday miracle and is what happens when we come from a place of love. Compassion and love are muscles that need to be developed and it can be challenging.
If you want some practical tips on how to live in a more compassionate loving way check out the following 10 ideas. Rosemary Lynch and Alain Richard have identified ten “principles” for those seeking to live a spiritual life of nonviolence. Active nonviolence calls us:
- To learn to recognize and respect “the sacred” in every person, including in ourselves, and in every piece of Creation. . . .
- To accept oneself deeply, “who I am” with all my gifts and richness, with all my limitations, errors, failings, and weaknesses, and to realize that I am accepted by God. .
- To recognize that what I resent, and perhaps even detest, in another, comes from my difficulty in admitting that this same reality lives also in me.
- To renounce dualism, the “we-they” mentality (Manicheism). This divides us into “good people/bad people” and allows us to demonize the adversary. It is the root of authoritarian and exclusivist behavior. It generates racism and makes possible conflicts and wars.
- To face fear and to deal with it not mainly with courage but with love.
- To understand and accept that the New Creation, the building up of the Beloved Community is always carried forward with others. It is never a “solo act.”
- To see ourselves as a part of the whole creation to which we foster a relationship of love, not of mastery, remembering that the destruction of our planet is a profoundly spiritual problem, not simply a scientific or technological one. We are one.
- To be ready to suffer, perhaps even with joy, if we believe this will help liberate the Divine in others. This includes the acceptance of our place and moment in history with its trauma, with its ambiguities.
- To be capable of celebration, of joy, when the presence of the Divine has been accepted, and when it has not been to help discover and recognise this fact.
- To slow down, to be patient, planting the seeds of love and forgiveness in our own hearts and in the hearts of those around us. Slowly we will grow in love, compassion and the capacity to forgive.
What every parent needs to know – The World Health Organization (WHO) has revised its Covid vaccine recommendations for healthy. On Tuesday, March 28th, 2023, WHO announced that healthy children under 18 years of age were considered ‘low overall’ to be vaccinated. However, many countries have already determined that children should not be vaccinated. Some of the countries that are far ahead of the WHO in deciding the well-being of children include the following.
2022* Sweden * Germany * Norway * UK Health Security Agency (UKHSA) states children under 12 will not receive the vaccine.
2023Singapore announced it’s not recommended for children, nor are they eligible for additional doses. However, The United States continues to recommend the COVID-19 vaccine “CDC recommends COVID-19 vaccines for everyone ages six months and older, and boosters for everyone ages five years and older if eligible” CDC, 2023. Therefore, it’s essential to understand the state lever requirements for COVID-19 vaccination. According to the Kaiser Family Foundation website, the policies on Parental Consent Laws for COVID-19 Vaccination include the following.
- 49 states require parental consent.
- 4 states require no waiver.
- 4 states give providers the right to waive consent.
- Several states classify a minor difference.
Most states define the ‘age of consent’ as 18. Listed below is the information for states that have exceptions to parental consent.
- Arizona, a child or a doctor can request a vaccine with a court order.
- Arkansas, a provider may waive parental rights.
- District of Columbia allows 11+ to consent without a parent, and healthcare providers may institute additional requirements.
- Idaho, a provider may waive parental rights.
- North Carolina, providers may allow minors ages 16 and 17 to self-consent.
- Oregon allows 15+ to consent without a parent.
- Philadelphia allows 11+ to consent without a parent.
- Rhode Island allows 16+ to consent without a parent.
- San Francisco allows 12+ to consent without a parent.
- South Carolina allows 16+ to consent without a parent.
- Tennessee, a provider may waive parental rights.
- Washington, a provider may waive parental rights.
My only thought after raising two children was. How many children under 18 understand how to read vaccine research and critically think about the consequences of taking the COVID-19 vaccine?
A gentle reminder this week – that when negative thoughts arise, addressing them rather than suppressing them is best. We have been taught that negative thoughts and feelings are bad. When we repress emotions that we feel are bad, they don’t go away; they just get buried deep within our unconscious mind and become memorized emotional patterns.
I encourage you to allow yourself to honor all thoughts and emotions. You are human, and the human experience includes all types of emotions.
Instead of blocking out thoughts and feelings that we label as negative, allow them instead to be observed. I share with my clients the analogy of watching a show or movie play out on the TV or the movie screen. Try your best to greet the experience with curiosity and non-judgment.
Try not to fear these thoughts and emotions. Remember, they do not define who we are; these thoughts and emotions only indicate our state of mind. You hold the power to change that state of mind. Sometimes it requires patience, love, and compassion. Other times you can be resilient and move through these thoughts and emotions with grace and ease.
One technique I found helpful is saying love and kindness statements to myself, and if it involves another person, I imagine saying these statements to them:
𝘔𝘢𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘧𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥.
𝘔𝘢𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺.
𝘔𝘢𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘵𝘩𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨.
𝘔𝘢𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦.
Always remember your life is a journey, and we get better at what we practice most.
What if you could transform your anxiety into something you can actually use during your work day? Neuroscientist Wendy Suzuki shares two evidence-based activities — breathing and movement — that can soothe your nervous system and fuel creativity and connection.
It seems to me that children were happier in the past when people lived simpler lives. Family and social connections filled our lives, and we were closer to our parents, neighbors, and people in general.
I think that teenage depression has a lot to do with us parents neglecting our children.
Today, we live in a generation that is glued to its screens, wanting to have nothing to do with one another. The parents of our generation are also generally busy making a living, and I think that teenage depression has a lot to do with us parents neglecting our children.
I would thus recommend parents work less and pass more time with their children. They should do various activities together, like going to the beach or to a soccer game, and so on, and most importantly, the activities should be for both parents and children together.
Today’s families are missing out on much connection, and so I think that it is a must for parents to do more in order to connect with their children.
One of the BIGGEST ideas Western Society shoved down your throat was that ONE teacher will tell you THE WAY. That is not accurate or of service to you. Everybody is right. So pick the best fruit from everyone’s plate and leave the parsley.
EXAMPLE: INTUITIVE EATING
I have a client right now beginning her intuitive eating journey. She told me that she’s been consuming tons and tons of media about it, and all of these people- RD’s even- say that if ANYONE tells you to restrict ANYTHING on an intuitive eating journey, that’s diet culture.
WELL. That’s TRUE.
However, if a person has only consumed Pop-Tarts and McDonald’s in their entire lives when they go to intuitively eat, they’re going to crave Pop-Tarts and McDonald’s. When their bodies want protein, they’ll reach for chicken nuggets, and when they need carbs/sugar, they’ll reach for Pop-Tarts. And yes, that’s intuitive eating. Their brains have not learned to translate the “I need glucose” to anything but a Pop-Tart because the brain has no frame of reference outside of a Pop-Tart.
We receive intuition all the time from our bodies, and the brain translates those messages to us based on its knowledge base.
However, a Pop-Tart is a processed food that will outlast the apocalypse. It isn’t the best thing for us to put into our bodies. It’s got an ingredient list longer than the declaration of independence. It causes inflammation and contributes to obesity and cancer and all of those OTHER THINGS that medical professionals talk about.
So, who’s right? Everybody.
Processed foods do cause obesity and cancer and inflammation. And also, you shouldn’t restrict food when you intuitively eat. Both correct.
So how do we balance? We subscribe to the idea that everybody is right and we widen our palates to include new, non-processed foods. It is even VERY beneficial to get rid of processed foods completely, JUST SO your body can have an adjustment period and LEARN to crave the new foods.
Once your body does the required learning, when you go to intuitively eat, your body likely will crave the non-processed food more than the processed. Because your BODY will recognize where it gets the nutrients and your brain will translate that message to “you want salmon for dinner.”
Everything in our world is paradoxical, right down to our being itself.
I’ll never forget when I read the words from the brilliant Simone Seol “the capacity to hold a paradox is the sign of a grown-up mind.”
So, so right.
I didn’t eat sugar or processed food for a LONG time while my body went through its re-learning phase. And then, I started slowly bringing those things back in. NOW, there is no way in hell my body would allow me to eat a Pop-Tart diet. It would make me ill.
There was a time recently when I had a box of Trader Joe’s PB&J bars sitting there (processed and sweet) and literally just stared at them, starving. My body said “Andrea please go eat some red meat,” and my brain KNEW that eating those bars would not make me less hungry.
Your brain (a computer) can only run the applications it has installed. Everybody is right. Install more applications.
When you want to transform something, know that there is not one solid idea. Everyone will feed you brilliance, and you have to select and choose what pieces fit into the puzzle. Follow the white rabbit.
Remember, Yin and Yang?
Our feminine is our flow- it’s how we flow along with Tao. Our feminine is necessary for us to be aligned. The masculine is the disciplined do-er, also necessary. My feminine gives me the inspiration to write these emails. My masculine sits my ass down and writes them a few times a week, and writes them with pig-headed discipline. (Grabbed that phrase from a book I’m reading currently.)
Transformation isn’t hard. It is hard when you rely on one teacher for one message. Triangulation of methods brings us a greater understanding in research. Why wouldn’t that work with our bodies? And everything else in life.
Food for thought.
It started with an empty box and a 5-minute activity: find 10 ‘treasures’ that we may (or may not) be ready to let go of during our Find Your Simple group clearing session. As I walked through the rooms of my mostly clutter-free home, all I could see were rocks.
Seriously.
Painted rocks. Crystals. Cairns. Fossils & precious stone collections. Bowls of rocks awaiting my paint pens.
By the time I returned to our zoom room, I was laughing…a bit sheepishly. Am I the only one who collects ‘special’ rocks, bringing back one or two (or five) to commemorate a significant nature moment?
OK, so my #blessingrocks have brought many a smile to the people who receive them, and this creative outlet has been a joyful pastime. The fossils were given to us by a friend and are very interestingly sorted into categories in their ornate box inside a curio cabinet. The cairns are a reminder of sorts, bringing me back to several significant trips, pointing me toward those times of simple being.
But still.
How many rocks does one woman need?
I decided my first clearing project would be to really look at the rocks in my life, and if you know me by now, you’ll realize this quickly became about more than the physical rocks.
Yes, I did remove many of the rocks from my house, after gathering them into one space, sorting, and then choosing what I truly want to keep. The rest I moved into the garden.
As I moved rocks, I considered the projects that have started to feel heavy in my mental-emotional spaces. Most of these were taken on with enthusiasm, but together they are starting to topple my energy.
My soul wants plenty of spaciousness and freedom to flow, to create, to connect in the moment. When I am too busy with promises and projects, I often miss the miracle of showing up for the spontaneous mystery of life.
Part of me believes this sounds selfish, but being busy with too many things that don’t bring joy is like having too many rocks lying around the house: heavy.
Which reminds me of the time-management story where the professor asks her students to fill a glass jar with large rocks (most important), then tiny pebbles (less important but still necessary), and finally sand (insignificant) to reflect the activities in their lives. When the jar is filled in that order, there is room for all three. If the order is reversed, the insignificant activities (sand) take up all the space and there is no room for the most important (rocks).
So maybe gathering all those rocks is a GOOD thing!
But back to the purpose of this article, which is not only to admit that I can have a sense of humor when I discover how many ways I am not practicing the art of simplicity.
I am writing about…moving rocks!
What’s the purpose of moving (and letting go of) rocks or other treasures…and why do we gather these treasures in the first place?
Humans are made to gather…it’s how we survive times of lack. But when we gather too much, hold on too long, attach too strongly to our belongings, beliefs, and behaviors, then our energy becomes stale rather than flowing.
Movement is essential. It’s how life evolves.
Moving stuff creates freshness in more than our physical spaces. After I moved the rocks and other physical clutter from my house, my mind started to feel lighter…even before I let go of any of my ‘too-many’ projects. The physical moving shifted how I was holding all of my commitments, bringing my mind into balance and releasing the joy flow.
I’m still likely to let go of a few of the projects that are no longer serving, but for now it feels good to simply notice the spaciousness, especially after taking 2-weeks off-grid in the beautiful red ROCK canyons of Valley of Fire.
In this moment, I am also congratulating myself for returning from that trip having left ALL of the rocks in nature where they belong.
Images courtesy of the author
Life dries up for some people. Their lives become full of dryness. Dryness of hope, future possibilities, and dryness of brains.This is what I felt reading the life story of Jean L. Serio in her chapter of the great and recently released book “Mission Hope”. The book has many other stories that are worthy, but this post focuses on the story shared by Jean titled “The Universe Doesn’t Always Accept Your Plan”, pages 149-155.
Jeans’ story is a great example of her struggle with many duties since she was a child. While other children were playing and enjoying life, Jean was taking care of her ailing sister and making sure to look after her. She endured this responsibility for years. When finally she managed to attend college, her studies and dreams fell through, as again she had to care for her maternal mother and grandfather.
There is no one way to describe the pain than of the one who suffered from it. Reading Jean’s descriptions of how much she had to cope with made me realize how my life was easy compared to hers. She accepted her duties and I found almost no complaints in her writing. She suffered but with admirable endurance.
That suffering eventually had some nice rewards for her. First, when she attended church and met a wise man who irrigated her dry hopes and revived them. After graduation, she met her old love from years ago. The surprise was that both got promotion offers to relocate to two places that were very close. That was convenient for both of them to meet and get closer to marry and lead a happy life together.
A great reward is the discovery that all the hardships Jean faced enhanced her resilience and awakening to the fact helped her exceed her responsibilities evidenced by her more than doubling her sales target at work. Jean’s experiences and studies helped qualify her in moving to human resources for which she was well suited. She was emotionally intelligent and understood people’s behaviors. Jean became an authority on human resources and managed with empathy and kindness.
The pains we suffer today are the hope of having a bright future. Never let your heart dry up. Read the book and you shall find many other inspiring stories.
Life is a testing ground. The book shows you that suffering can be a prelude to a meaningful life.
Are you happy? For a long time, I have considered that happiness relates to judgements about the circumstances of your life and decisions about whether these circumstances are or are not in accord with the way you want them to be. In this respect, if there is a gap between the way things are and the way you either want things to be, or think they should be, that difference represents a “happiness gap.” If you judge circumstances to be wonderful, the happiness gap is small, maybe even absent. If the circumstances are far from what you want, or desire, or expect, the gap is large, and provides justification for feeling unhappy.
In this simplification, the happiness gap can vary in severity depending upon a host of variables. When you feel tired, or emotionally drained, or dwell on toxic thoughts, the happiness gap often increases even though the basic circumstances of your life haven’t changed from yesterday when you might have been well-rested or in a better frame of mind.
Similarly, there are many short-term mediators that can narrow this gap. An unexpected compliment, a surprise call from an old friend, a good day at work are the sorts of things that might lead to momentary happiness. These don’t need to be external events. You might have an unexpected insight, or resolution to a problem that had you stumped, or see an old photograph that brings back a pleasant memory—any of these internal affairs can leave you feeling happier.
A recommended strategy to close this so-called happiness gap is to focus on the positives in your life. Yet, focusing on the positives doesn’t remove the negatives.
Another strategy is acceptance or surrender. The circumstances of your life are your reality. Failing to accept that reality doesn’t change it. At best, it can help to motivate you to make changes. There is good advice in the Prayer of Serenity, where we ask to accept the things that cannot be changed, for the courage to change the things that can be changed, and for the wisdom to know the difference. This last strategy is time-tested and makes sense, but only to a point. It still requires that you weigh out, make judgements about your life, and determine what you think should be changed. “Should” is a word that is all about judgement.
I think about happiness differently now. Words like wants, desires, needs, should be, shouldn’t be, ought, and ought not to be are a bit fuzzy. What works to satisfy a person’s needs, wants, desires often fluctuates from one day to the next. As a result, what should or shouldn’t be–this yardstick by which we are making judgements about our life circumstances–isn’t a very reliable way to measure happiness. If today you feel motivated to change something in your life but tomorrow you accept that “it is what it is,” until the following day when you judge that thing to be unacceptable, this entire notion of measuring some “happiness gap” is exposed as entirely unreliable.
How can a person find a more sustained happiness? How can a person experience limitless happiness, especially in light of recognizing that there are many injustices, and there is much suffering in the world we share?
Consider a different way of understanding happiness. I now think of happiness as much more fundamentally related to the core essence of my being. This is my spiritual center wherein my soul resides. It is a spiritual essence we all share. Whether you are fully or only partially aware of this soul-essence, whether you are fully or only partially aware of this true essence of your being, at any given moment in time, you are aligned with this part of yourself to a lesser or greater extent. Think about times in your life when you experience deep joy, not in the context of weighing the circumstances of your life, but in the context of experiencing and being in touch with your greater self. Perhaps you spontaneously did something to help a stranger. Perhaps you gazed lovingly at someone and felt their love. Perhaps a cat purred contentedly in your lap, or you watched children in the playground laughing and screaming in innocent, unbridled fun.
All of these are times when you are present to the moment. They are always associated with things like joy-filled wonder, gratitude, love, or a sense of peace. All of these are moments when your soul-essence shifts to soul-presence. All of these are associated with feeling happy.
Would it surprise you to learn that this happiness is available to you always? When you align with your spiritual center, when this becomes the operating system that guides your thoughts, feelings, decisions, conduct, behavior, and responses, you will experience sustained happiness. Love is transformative. Your operating system in the core essence of your being is powered by love. Even in the face of hardship, pain, suffering, cruelty, injustice, disappointments, etc., you can still feel happy. When you are confronted by these difficulties, ask yourself, how can I behave in a matter most consistent with my soul-essence? How can I bring this forward to soul-presence? How can I best reflect my higher self? Aligning yourself to this spiritual center will result in sustained happiness, even in the face of adversity, even in the face of difficult and undesirable circumstances.
In every sense, this is a choice to make. You can align with an operating system that often runs on fear, anger, unfairness, outrage, disappointment, and a host of ego-derived judgements about the circumstances in your life and the world at large that cause you to feel unhappy. The deep happiness that you feel when you are aligned with and operating from your spiritual center does not have a yardstick by which to measure that happiness. This happiness comes from living authentically guided by your higher self, the best version of yourself. Joy, peace, love, compassion, forgiveness, trust, and gratitude all flow when operating from this core, this soul-essence that abides within each and every one of us. And with this comes an unbelievable sense of freedom from constantly making judgements and comparisons. No one and no things will bring you limitless happiness; it already is within you. You just need to discover it, experience it, and live it every moment of every day.
I have always been fascinated to hear stories of people who experienced past lives. So, in the 70s, I jumped at the opportunity when I saw an ad in the newspaper about Dr. Helen Wambach offering to regress people interested in learning more about their past life. I called my friends and invited them to join me. To my surprise, they expressed various fears, so I went alone.
I arrived at Dr. Wambach’s home in Concord Ca with $20, a pillow, and a blanket. There were about twelve people, and she told us to pick a spot on her family room floor. As everyone settled down, Dr. Wambach sat in the corner, puffed on a cigarette, and spoke about her research and what to expect.
It took a while to get everyone to relax. Dr. Wambach told us to be aware of any images that appear in our minds as she named countries and centuries, Ancient Greece, Egypt, Europe, China, and America in the 1600s, 1700s, 1800s, and 1900s. I wasn’t getting any images until she mentioned the 1800s. I saw a vague silhouette of a lady in a long white dress.
Dr. Wambach said, “Focus on the strongest image.” Since I only had one, I concentrated on the lady in white. She told us to go to the home, look out the window and observe the surroundings. I was on the second floor of a large house with stables and a dirt courtyard for horses and carriages. Now go to the medicine cabinet and look inside. I saw a few small bottles and jars. However, I still thought I was creating what I wanted to see. Then she told us to look at our hands; I was surprised when I mentally looked down and saw tiny hands, which didn’t make sense because the white lady was a grown woman. Then I realized I was looking at the lady in white as a small child sitting at a table with her family. We were poor and sad because my brother had died. At that moment, I understood that the lady in white was me. I wanted to know more, but Dr. Wambach moved on to observe the death scene of the lady in white. I felt no discomfort as I considered what my children had accomplished. I felt grateful!
Dr. Wambach encouraged us to reach back into an earlier life. I saw a small Indian boy in the southwest setting a snare trap, but that image turned into a grown Indian man. I was confused as I became aware that I had raped a woman. My enemies lured me to an isolated place where an arrow pierced my chest. As I lay dying, I was angry that my enemies had tricked me.
After several hours, and more encounters, Dr. Wambach had us gradually return to reality and share our stories. One man slept through it all, while others lived everyday lives in many countries. Several people excitedly discussed their unique journeys and drew designs they had seen in their villages or on their clothing so they could do research. We all filled out a form about our experiences to contribute to Dr. Wambach’s research.
As I headed home, I realized my journey was to raise successful children despite my difficult childhood and make a positive difference as I move forward in my evolution. I understood that we are here to learn from our challenging lessons. That experience changed my life, and many years later, I am still working to fulfill my mission to empower families, neighborhoods, and communities.
Life is challenging, but we all have incredible power if we learn lessons today and from past lives. We need to evolve past anger, hate, revenge, or violence toward other people because there will be consequences in our future life.
For many years, we thought today’s humans only use 10% of our brains, which may or may not be a myth.
- What if a portion of our brain stores information from past lives that can help us develop our character, courage, and self-awareness?
- What if we teach our children to respect and listen to their elders with an open mind? Perhaps, they would be less violent and reject drugs and self-harm if they understood their life has meaning and consequences. Learning the hard way is a difficult path!
We are all on a journey of self-discovery, enlightenment, and evolution. We need leaders who have evolved to help keep communities safe as citizens work together to create healthy families that offer love and support for every child.
My father passed away 23 years ago in March 2000, at the age of 66. He lived for about 3450 weeks, well short of the average life span. He worked most of his life and then had multiple medical problems which stole the ability to enjoy his later years in a way he would have preferred.
The book 4000 Weeks by Oliver Burkeman explores the idea of living life to the fullest. Through stories, advice, and personal anecdotes, Burkeman encourages readers to embrace the uncertainty of life and to find joy in the moments that make up our lives. He explores the popularized concept of time management from a different point of view, by tapping into ancient knowledge from famous philosophers, researchers, and spiritual figures, rather than promoting the contemporary idea of high-level productivity and constant self-optimization. I highly recommend checking it out if you are not familiar with this book.
The concept of 4000 weeks: the average time we are expected to live on this planet.
The real problem isn’t our limited time. The real problem—or so I hope to convince you—is that we’ve unwittingly inherited, and feel pressured to live by, a troublesome set of ideas about how to use our limited time**, all of which are pretty much guaranteed to make things worse.
–Oliver Burkeman
As I came to the anniversary of his passing, I wondered about my dad and how he might have spent the last 23 years had he survived, a thought I have often had. He would have seen me raise two amazing boys to adulthood. He would have experienced my growing love of fishing over the years, something he used to do when he was younger, and would have probably gone with me and my family for some of our adventures. He would have been able to try new things, experience some of the joy in all of our lives, and also seen all the wonderful things his wife has done in nearly a quarter century since his parting.
I am just over 2800 weeks into my journey, and am more focused on what a week brings to my life than ever before. My remaining 1200 (+ or -) are full of possibilities and potential. How about you? How are you spending your weeks? Are they all the same — work 40, shop for groceries, do some chores, maybe a night out or going fishing once in while — repeat?
Or do you genuinely try to work in unique experiences with your family and friends, to make each and every week count?
The only route to psychological freedom is to let go of the limit-denying fantasy of getting it all done and instead to focus on doing a few things that count.
–Oliver Burkeman
Gratitude is perhaps the most primal expression of psychological and spiritual maturity. And that means being grateful for everything. Even struggle. Even pain.
Even Covid.
In 2012, when Dennis Pitocco conceived his publishing platform, BizCatalyst 360°, the pandemic still loomed far off in an unimagined future. But when the world shut down in 2020 and deprived us of human interaction, his online network rapidly coalesced into a vibrant virtual community of writers and thinkers. Since then, many of us have come to think of ourselves as friends, and even family.
Last week in Tampa, Florida, 50 participants closed the circle at a two-day conference to share ideas and inspiration. Most of all, we came to meet face-to-face and show appreciation for the colleagues and close acquaintances who have enriched our careers and our lives.
Other attendees will have much to say about our unconference. I want to share one distinctly personal anecdote.
Midway through the first afternoon, Allison Kenny took the mic and invited us to spend a few minutes filling out a worksheet. Her topic: belly dancing.
Allison said she would be back in a moment, then disappeared out the door. That’s when my antennae started vibrating. I quietly crossed the room to Dennis and asked, “Is she going to be dancing?”
CULTURE CLASHAccording to strict Jewish law, men are not allowed to watch women dancing (especially women clad in belly-dancing attire). At traditional Jewish weddings, a partition divides the banquet hall; women dance on one side while men dance on the other. Some halls are constructed so that men and women celebrate in different rooms.
Dennis responded to my question in the affirmative, which meant that I would have to excuse myself. I briefly explained my issue, then slipped outside onto the patio for the duration of Allison’s presentation. When she finished, I received the all-clear sign and returned to the room, remaining at the back and attempting to appear innocuous.
Although I wanted to support a fellow member of our community, there was no way for me to circumvent the restrictions of rabbinic law. Nevertheless, I wanted to make sure Allison understood the reason for my absence, so I planned to speak to her privately after the program was over. I assumed that the other attendees wouldn’t give much thought to my absence.
NOW HEAR THIS!Dennis had other ideas. Before moving on to the next phase of the program, he announced, “I think it’s worth mentioning that Yonason had to step out of the room because his faith doesn’t allow him to watch a woman dancing. It speaks well for our community that each of us can hold true to our own principles while still being respectful toward others who have different values.”
He then went on to repeat the rest of our earlier conversation:
Dennis: Would it be a problem if I got up to dance?
Me: That would raise an entirely different set of issues.
The resulting ripple of laughter might have broken the tension. Except that there was no tension to break.
Do I ever experience awkwardness balancing the obligations of Jewish law against the expectations of the secular world? Of course, I do. Female colleagues with whom I’ve grown quite cordial often want to give me a hug; occasionally, their sincere expression of collegiality arrives so unexpectedly that there’s no graceful way to avoid it. Business conversations and meetings may take place in non-kosher restaurants, where I’ll nurse a beverage while everyone else enjoys a meal. It’s happened that I can’t attend events I’ve organized myself because they fall out on Jewish holidays.
That’s not the challenging part.
Simply holding my ground and honoring my principles is not enough. Just as important is doing so in a way that doesn’t cause embarrassment, inflict discomfort, or indicate a lack of respect. That’s why I need to understand the laws well enough to know where they can be bent without breaking them and without appearing inconsistent.
The balancing act can be far from simple.
WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK?Despite Dennis’ announcement, I assumed the episode would pass without further comment. But I was mistaken. Indeed, what happened next was as gratifying as it was unexpected.
Paul Haury approached me and said, “I so admire you for standing firm in your values.” He went on to share the story of teacher-colleagues who once criticized him for allowing a Muslim student to go to one side of the room to recite his prayers. He and I rolled our eyes at those who find reason to take offense at the cultural practices of others.
A bit later, Mariah Edgington found me and said “As much respect as I had for you before, I have even more for you now. In today’s world, finding people who live their values is so rare and so inspiring.”
When I approached Allison, the belly dancer, she was beyond gracious. She thanked me for coming over to explain myself, asked thoughtful questions, and expressed how grateful she was to be able to discuss the topic maturely and politely with a member of the clergy — which has not always been her experience. We also discovered that she shares my reverence for the late British Chief Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks and his remarkable ability to remain firm in his principles while exuding grace and respect toward people from every background and worldview.
STAND BY MEIronically, and sadly, the progressive drift of modern society has turned many traditionalists into apologists for their traditions. Jews and gentiles alike convince themselves that an increasingly libertine world will think less of them if they openly espouse their commitment to time-honored values.
Countless generations ago, the Jewish sages asserted precisely the opposite: the more we conceal or compromise our foundational beliefs, the more contempt we elicit from the culture around us. Conversely, by demonstrating that traditional values are alive and well, we may provide reassurance to those disaffected souls who feel battered by the winds of hedonism. Rather than responding with disdain, perhaps they will take heart to discover that not all have abandoned the ways of established moral discipline.
When we display commitment to solid principles, when we learn to articulate our values so others can understand even if they don’t agree, when we live lives that project integrity and dignity, then we contribute to a respectful society, a stable culture, and a more harmonious world.
Parenting can be one of the most rewarding and fulfilling experiences in life, but it can also be one of the most challenging. A family crisis, mental health issues, and a global pandemic can add to the everyday experiences that are a normal part of growing up can present difficult circumstances to navigate for a child. During these stormy times, it can be easy to feel stressed and uncertain as a parent. However, there are two approaches that you can take to guide your child in these stormy waters: being a lifeboat and being a lighthouse.
Being a LifeboatBeing a lifeboat means providing a safe and secure place for your child during difficult times. It means being there for them when they need you, providing them with stability and reassurance, and helping them weather the storm.
However, being a lifeboat can be challenging. It can be emotionally draining to constantly support and care for your child when they are struggling. You may feel like you are drowning in their emotions and concerns.
To be an effective lifeboat, it’s essential to take care of yourself first. Logosynthesis offers a simple, repeatable technique that you can use to recognize where you are struggling and shift distressing issues to feel better. By doing so, you can gain a sense of calm and clarity that enables you to be there for your child.
A key benefit of using Logosynthesis to feel calmer is that you are better able to recognize when you need to extend the lifeboat for your child. Rather than reacting to every issue, you become a more effective lifeboat for your child by providing them with the support and stability they need. This is where being a lighthouse is important.
Being a LighthouseBeing a lighthouse means providing guidance and direction for your child during difficult times. It means helping them navigate the stormy waters of life by shining a light to offer direction and to identify obstacles. To be an effective lighthouse, it’s essential that your light shines steady and bright. Again, this means that is important to take care of yourself first.
Your child can feel when you are worried, stressed, and overwhelmed. When you react towards your child from a position of frustration, anger, or doubt, your child not only doesn’t have access to the lifeboat but doesn’t have the clarity of the lighthouse. It is very normal to be concerned about your child in difficult times and yet when you can calm your concern, your child will feel better able to make their own way forward.
Navigating stormy watersParenting in stormy waters can be challenging, but by recognizing what is bothering you, you can shift your reactions to offer a greater sense of security and a stronger guiding light. By being both a lifeboat and a lighthouse, you can help your child navigate through difficult times. Logosynthesis offers a unique solution to support you through these challenges. By taking care of yourself first, you can be the best possible support and guide for your child when they need you most. When your guiding light shines strong, you can better appreciate your child’s resilience and ability to make their way on their own.
Resources are availableRemember that it is normal to feel the challenges that your child experiences and to kick into react mode when your child is struggling. By doing your own work first using Logosynthesis, you will notice subtle, yet significant, results. If you are interested in learning more about Logosynthesis as a healthy lifestyle practice to support you in work and life, visit thehealthylivingplan.com.
Worthiness is something we feel or we strive to achieve. Worthy means you have or show the qualities or abilities that merit recognition in a specified way. But why is it that people don’t always feel worthy of what they currently have or the things they dream of? Well plainly said something happened early in life that created a self-limiting belief of unworthiness. It can affect people in many aspects of life in different ways. I learned the feeling of unworthiness was impacting my life in exponential ways. As a little girl, I believed because my purity and wholeness were taken, I was not worthy. And that created a pattern of self-sabotage and resistance throughout life.
But once I started clearing that belief and taking steps to achieve my dreams things began to change and unravel. And the sense of worthiness and self-worth increased. And that brings me to being puppy worthy. I had been dreaming of and wanting a puppy for years. My kids had been dreaming of it too. We even ended up with a bird a few years ago on my search for a pet. But my true sense of worthiness came after jumping into a case that rocked my world and made me face the fears I never dealt with as a child. And in those moments of stress as I reported a case to DCF and dealt with the police all my childhood emotions, fears, and stress hit me full force.
But amidst my chaos, some magic happened and her name is Luna. My son’s girlfriend had her heart set on this gorgeous little Havanese puppy she got the same week I faced my most challenging obstacle. And as I played with Luna my stress response began to calm, my mind cleared, my heart settled and a deep sense of safety filled me. And at that moment I knew a puppy would help me heal. And over the next few weeks, I made it a regular habit to visit with Luna or stop at a puppy shop to play and relax.
And the more I enjoyed the puppies and released the stress the DCF case placed on my nervous system the truth became clear. And over time my courage grew and I finally realized that I was worthy of having a puppy. I realized I was ready and I took a leap to explain to my husband the way Luna had helped me during the DCF case and its impact on my nervous system. And suddenly something shifted and the resistance faded. And my husband said, yes. And I immediately gave a deposit for Cloe who had been born on 8/8/22, 1 week before. And I was blessed to watch her grow over the next few months as I prepared for her arrival. And on October 3rd I met my green-eyed chocolate Havanese. She blessed our home 2 days before my son’s 16th birthday. And it has been a love story ever since.
The moral of the story is that each of us has self-limiting beliefs. And we self-sabotage and resist our own dreams as a result. But when we slow down, listen, and tune in to the things that bring us joy, peace, and calm. We can develop the courage to reach for the dream with ease.
A big issue with cancer can be: How does one navigate life when you or a loved one gets cancer? How does life move forward? How do family members deal with one of their members getting cancer? Undoubtedly, this can create a very difficult situation for everyone!
When someone gets cancer, it generally takes a team to help navigate the situation. Love is unquestionably important. Allowing a cancer patient to help navigate the journey is important as well. Greg Fobbs lost his brother, who he loved dearly, and was very close to while battling his own demons. This is is a story of triumph, in the end, and how this man survived and learned from this horrible experience.
Here are Greg’s links:
- https://zenbe.co/ https://zenbe.co/resumes
- https://zenbe.co/try https://zenbe.co/blog
- https://zenbe.co/pricing
- https://zenbe.co/codething
- https://www.linkedin.com/in/gregory-f…
Join us for this riveting interview!
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is.
~Albert Einstein
What is a Miracle?The dictionary defines a miracle as an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs. A miracle is some outstanding or unusual event, thing or accomplishment that the laws of nature cannot explain and is assumed to be an act of God or supernatural in origin. People see miracles in the survival of an incurable illness or an escape from some life-threatening situation, yet they don’t .attend to the miracles that are all around them.
The ‘new reality’ is that we—all of us—have the ability to create miracles and that their occurrence in our lives happens and can happen more frequently than we think. They happen through both natural and normal circumstances and can begin to take place more easily as we learn how to expect and anticipate them. We can encourage the arrival of miracles and recognize them daily.
Blind to Miracles:Why is it we have difficulty recognizing the existence of miracles in our life? It’s more about perception than vision. Your mind filters your reality which is necessary so you won’t be so bombarded by information that your mind can’t use or fathom. Our preconceived ideas of reality and hence the unlikely occurrence of miracles are what our minds accept. So if you don’t expect to see a miracle, it’s likely that you won’t. It’s as if your mind and your reality are cooperating together to bring to you what you believe and anticipate.
Quantum Physics & Miracles:Quantum Physics has astonished many non-believers with its findings about our reality and about matter. Once we thought that matter had some kind of permanency to it, but that’s been proven false. Instead, matter responds to our minds and our thoughts. The observer—you— has the ability to affect matter and change it.
Open to Miracles:How do you gain the necessary control to begin to create and witness the increasing number of miracles in your life? If you can learn to shift your focus to believe and be open to the occurrence of miracles, you’ll bring them into your realm. First, let’s recognize the miracles that we often tend to overlook that already exist: the amazing ability that your mind has to expand and be creative, your breath, birth, the miracle of your beating heart, and your miraculous body with its ability to heal, the profound miracle of love that can transform us and life. No longer is it acceptable to view yourself through the eyes of a victim. You have the ability to shift that belief and recognize your own measure of influence that’s very powerful and grows as you believe it to be so.
Are You Ready? Are you ready to embrace miracles? Begin by appreciating and treasuring the miracles that are already present that you easily dismissed. Decide now to live as though everything about you and life is a miracle.
Be as a child taking in each new experience or mundane experience with new eyes— new perception. When you do, you open to appreciation for all of you and all that you behold. Today you have a choice to view everything as a miracle and bask in the gratitude of it all.
I am a play-by-the-rules gal who does not strive to be the life of a party. I’m fine over here
A squeak to the right of the bell curve is a modest little dot. That’s me – the minuscule spec of a flawed perfectionist dangling her feet over a mid-life crisis. The date on my birth certificate pronounces me as a Baby Boomer, just barely. The end of a generational classification. Not the very end. I was born in February, not on December 31, 1964, at 11:59 p.m. Somewhere “out there” in the universe, an interesting person holds the honor of being the very last Boomer ever born. Not me. I am an average, run-of-the-mill Baby Boomer.
— Excerpt from Walking Old Roads, to be released mid to late 2023 —
enjoying the entertainment provided by those who shine much louder than me. Performers need an audience, and I am happy to oblige. I’ve considered my life in the shadows of others to be my choice. As my generation peaks the hill and heads down the other side, I begin to question whether my choice to live in the comfortable peacefulness of quiet obscurity is good for me, or good for the generations that follow.
The pharmacy staff call her Miss Mary. “How are you today, Miss Mary, and what can we do for you?’ Their happiness to see her, and their sincerity to help her, is legit. They connect to this woman in a way foreign to me. I tend to stay in my solitary bubble, avoiding eye contact and conversation unless necessary. Miss Mary begins joking with them about her aches and pains, and they tell her she is due for some vaccinations. She pretends to scold the pharmacist for experiencing too much enjoyment from the task of sticking her with needles. Everyone behind the counter is smiling and laughing as they enjoy a moment of fun together.
Once the business of medication and vaccines is complete, they say their goodbyes, and Miss Mary and I head to the checkout. I love how everyone at this little pharmacy looks out for my mom. I use the same pharmacy, but they don’t know me unless I’m with Miss Mary. I have not cultivated a relationship with them the way she has. I have not made myself visible to them like she has. I would do well to learn from her example.
I start placing our purchases on the conveyor belt and Mom chimes in, “What’s wrong with me? I should be helping you with that.” I tell her it is fine. She converses with the cashier as I load the cart with our groceries. The cart helps steady Mom’s wobbly gait as we cross the parking lot at her pace. As I’m lifting the bags from the cart to the trunk, Mom chimes in again with more distress in her voice. “Here I go again. I’m sorry. I should be helping you with this. What’s the matter with me?” Once again, I assure her all is fine. What she thinks of as heavy lifting, is not in the slightest bit heavy for me.
I deposit the cart in the cart return, as the rules suggest. Meanwhile, Mom gets herself buckled into the passenger seat. My mind has moved on from our shopping task. Mom’s mind has not. I enter the car to find her upset and starting to cry. “I’m so useless. I can’t do anything for myself. I work you too hard. I just don’t like who I am anymore. I don’t even know why I’m still here.” The weight she carries is far heavier than the bags of groceries I lift each week during our outings.
Baffled by the sudden turn of her mood, I respond with a question. “Did you not see what just happened inside a few minutes ago at the pharmacy?” The genuine confusion in my voice and on my face catches her off guard. The crying stops as she searches for an answer to my question. I do not wait for her to figure it out. “You brought joy to every person in that pharmacy. You brightened their day. Think of all the unruly people they deal with on a regular basis. You made it all worthwhile for them. You did that. You do that for friends and strangers alike. You may think you are unimportant and unseen, but the people around you see and hear you. You set a good example for everyone watching. If that isn’t useful, then I don’t know what is.”
Miss Mary could not deny the facts. Her actions had made a difference in the lives of others. I get it though. As I age, I feel insignificant, without purpose, and invisible at times. I need to follow in Miss Mary’s unsteady footsteps. I need to be present and involved with the people right in front of me. It is my responsibility to teach the next generations the importance of connection in creating a community. I’ve heard claims that the younger generations ignore the worth of the Baby Boomers.
Is that true though? Do the younger generations ignore the presence of their elders, or are we making ourselves unseeable to them?
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from difficult circumstances, and it is a necessary component of a well-adjusted life. If that’s something you struggle with, then it can be exhausting figuring out how to build your resilience up from scratch. Building resilience takes time, effort, and patience. It’s not something that happens overnight. But by incorporating these tips into your daily life, you’ll be on your way to becoming more resilient and better able to handle the challenges that come your way.
“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
–Joseph Campbell
Learn How to Self-SootheChildren rely on the people around them to handle their emotions. Seeing a crying child run into the arms of their parents makes sense to us because we’ve seen that sort of scene play out countless times throughout our life. In order to be a reasonably collected adult, we have to know how to comfort the crying child within.
- Take care of your physical health. One of the simplest and most powerful ways to Self-Soothe is by performing your acts of daily living, such as brushing your teeth, eating three meals a day, and exercising regularly.
- Take care of your mental health. When we’re in the throes of emotional anguish, it isn’t easy to devise a mental health care plan on the spot. That’s why in order to address your own mental health, you need to have a toolkit.
- Follow your fiery passion. There’s a reason that tortured artists endure their torturous emotions. It’s because they are intensely passionate about their art. Find what you’re passionate about, and make room for it in your life. No matter how grim things might appear, your passion can be the light in the darkness.
Cultivate A Positive MindsetHaving a sense of optimism can be a powerful coping tool. But optimism doesn’t come from anywhere. In order to interpret the world around you charitably, it becomes almost necessary to cultivate a positive mindset.
- Practice gratitude. Regularly speak, write, and think about what you’re grateful for. Don’t take the good in your life for granted.
- Reframe your negative thoughts. Recognize your unhelpful thoughts, and try to replace them with a more charitable interpretation of the situation. Don’t let the gloom in your life become a wallowing sort of place.
- Surround yourself with support. Reach out to your loved ones for help. Help them understand what you’re going through, and how you’d like to be supported.
Be Open To ChangeThe truth is, the biggest obstacle in the way of our personal growth is ourselves. You are the only person who can make meaningful changes in your adult life. But that means being open to new experiences and embracing your opportunities to learn and grow.
- Don’t beat yourself up. Often when we make an error, we engage in negative self-talk like calling ourselves insults so that we “learn the lesson”, but this negative self-talk doesn’t really help us grow. If we focus on how we could be better instead of where we’ve failed, we’re more motivated to make a change.
- Be flexible. An excellent way to be resilient is through adapting to your environment. You might be the only thing in your life that is fully within your control, but that’s quite a lot of control if you think about it.
- Try new things. Having a routine is great. Many of the tips within this very article boil down to just the pure value of having a solid routine. But staying forever within those routines can be a mind-numbing resilience killer. Put yourself out there, and experience the novelty of doing something different.
I once had a life that was filled with action.
Working in Times Square, there was always something “happening.”
Someone would be having a mental illness. There would be a suspicious package. Naked women with pasties on their tits. Guys selling weed. Lots of Elmo suits. Gas leaks. Jackhammers. Break dancing. Painters. People exercising on the scaffolding. “Gang Initiation.” (In the 2000- early 2010’s it happened every Easter Sunday- here’s a NY Times article about it)
You could say that I was always overstimulated, but I was completely stagnant.
After my shift each night in over-stimulation, I went and drank. Multiple shots and beers. 4:30 a.m. I’d roll into the street, smoke way too many cigarettes, and topple myself into a cab.
My friend Jim used to say “we’re Beats,” and how right was he?
Through all of that, my drunken nights, and the times I shared with people during this hyperactive, hyper-stimulated period of my existence, nothing was happening.
I mean sure, that’s an exaggeration. We can’t have complete inaction, despite my best attempts at it. But in terms of my deepening my relationship with myself, and getting closer to who I wanted to be? Very little of that happened while I was drunk at the bar.
Most of the time when I was drinking at the bar, it was with many people who were essentially “warm bodies.” I had a few friends and a zillion acquaintances. I wasn’t really interested in the conversation. It was mostly about 1. other people (who cares?) 2. our job (replaying the what happened) or 3. things that didn’t interest me (like movies) After about two hours, those conversations became more like dribble (as all drunken convos do) where we would just take turns “speaking at” one another.
For all the times I spent bonding with people, I never really was. I remember getting a lot off my chest, because when you’re drunk, you’re just blithering ego. I don’t remember too much of what anyone else said, and my guess is, they don’t remember too much of what I said. Nothing profound came out of those times.
When you’re out drinking, nothing enjoyable is happening that requires the drink. And if something enjoyable is happening, the thing that you’re enjoying is not the booze. The thing you’re enjoying is being dulled by the booze, because your entire human experience is being dulled by the booze.
For example: Drinking at the beach- what are you enjoying? The beach.
What is happening when you drink at the beach? You become a dehydrated clam baking in the sun. You grossly have to piss in the polluted ocean once an hour. You dry out passed out on a towel. You end up eating something later like a ravenous rat and don’t taste the food you order. You wake up the next day with a headache and a sunburn, and you don’t remember how you got home.
What takes away from enjoying the tranquility of the beach? The 6 nutcrackers you bought from some guy who made them in his dirty kitchen.
Annie Grace says that 80% of people who drink wish they drank less.
Andee Scarantino says from her experience, that’s true.
People come to me all the time and tell me “I just want to be done,” and then somehow, the excuses start coming in.
People want to “defend” their decisions because the word sobriety holds the same weight in our society as the word God.
Both of the words provoke STRONG reactions that make people DEFEND THEIR POSITION.
“Ohhh I’m not drinking but I don’t have a problem.”
Literally, nobody asked you that. As MartinJon says, “sobriety is a beverage choice.”
When you drink heavily all the time, you f__k yourself out of being able to enjoy your own life to the capacity you want to enjoy it.
We’re not in third grade. We don’t need other people to understand or dictate what we drink at lunchtime. We don’t need to tell Chad over there why we don’t like milk. We just don’t drink it.
My experience is, when you’re wishy-washy and afraid to say you’re not drinking, people may try to coax you into having one. This is because they believe that your experience won’t be as enjoyable without alcohol.
But when you’re firm, people respect it. Honestly, they’re a little bit jealous. None of us truly likes to drink. We were sold a bill of goods.
We really only like our life experiences, and everyone wishes they could enjoy those in a more uninhibited state of clarity.
Today’s podcast is all about this. If you’re sober curious, it’s here for you. The typical bag of hot air to start your week.
I hope you all had a great weekend.
Stay Beautiful
Andee
Last week I shared about living in the state of a spa day, and then this week has perfectly provided the opportunity to show the permanence of that state — including in the experience of feeling like a failure. Over the course of the week, I’ve been asked the question — is that really how it is? Is life really lovely like that all the time? Underlying which there is a hint of — I don’t believe you.
Quite rightly ‘I don’t believe you’ because we know in our hearts that it’s unnatural to float through life, absent of any emotion to what’s going on.
So this week I’m bringing an important distinction and nuance to the experience of ‘living in the state of a spa day’. The distinction between a background knowing, and a foreground experience.
This last week has been one of my toughest for a long time. It began in earnest on Monday when I meditated and saw my deepest fear. It’s expressed as a statement of fact, as though there is no doubt in it whatsoever: ‘there is something fundamentally wrong with you’.
This began a couple of weeks ago when at that point it was expressed as ‘I am not good enough — I am getting it wrong’. I thought that was the core of it, but it seems like this week’s has been that: ‘there is something fundamentally wrong with you’. I saw how these ‘statements of fact’ were overlaid with slightly flimsier thoughts: ‘Am I good enough? Am I doing it right?’ Almost as though the mind was scrambling in desperation to find evidence to counter these seeming ‘facts’.
And I saw again how my life has been one of busy and doing and getting it right (you might remember I mentioned that in last week’s post too). All in order to try and hide from, or run away from, or find the counter-evidence to these scary thoughts. An attempt to ‘do enough’ in order to prove the thoughts wrong, in order to fill the chasm between being wrong and being right, between not being good enough and being enough.
It makes alot of logical sense for this behaviour to happen, when we think we have to, and have been taught to, find enough-ness outside of ourselves. But when we begin to glimpse that enough-ness (the spa day state) is our nature already, the system begins to slow down and, what looked like logic, starts to be seen as futile.
In the relaxation into this, as our permanent, background-knowing becomes the spa-day-state of enough-ness, the foreground psychological patterns are more easily revealed, allowing the layers to evaporate and evaporate and evaporate as they’re seen and seen and seen. But as the foreground evaporation and seeing happens, it doesn’t always feel like the beautiful, calm feelings of the spa day. If anything, you’re opened to feel more. You’re invited to come out of limitation and back into fullness. The veils of denial and avoidance fall and fall, inviting you to look, and look. Look at how it really is. Look at what you’ve been running from.
And all of it made possible because of living in the state of a spa day.That state — ever-present as my sure-footed ground of being — gives me the solidity and stability to hold these experiences that have looked too much or too big or too ugly or too shameful before now.
It gives me the capacity to look my deepest fear right in the eye. To see that it’s just some words that have been taken as saying something about me. To see that all I find when I look for the ‘me’ is an open, expansive, untouched space of OK-ness. To feel the feelings that accompany that fear that have wanted to come out and move and stretch their legs for ages! But which have been kept shut in a cupboard marked ‘too dangerous’.
To feel the feelings and not immediately jump into dismissal, or avoidance, or covering-over strategies ‘La la la! Nothing to see here! It’s all good!’ — has been the standard strategy in the years till now.
But the game is up. The endless chase must stop. And the only way forward is to turn around and look, instead of run.
Background vs ForegroundWhat this means is that this last week has had the spa day state as my background. It never leaves. It doesn’t go. It doesn’t change. But the foreground experience — boy has that changed. Frequently. It included all the ups and downs. And it has demonstrated beyond doubt that my experience is created as a result of what’s happening within me. Like large, rolling waves, I’ve been going from the depths of fear up to the heights of beauty.
These are all feelings that have — for most of my life — been kept at arm’s length. Because to let them in might prove the fears true. I really am wrong. I really am not good enough.
Now there’s this openness to them being felt.
And so I’ve been going from the depths of it feels bad, I feel bad, things look bad, ‘you’re wrong’. Seeming evidence of this popping up everywhere. Clients going, contracts ending, feeling let down, feedback telling me I’m getting it wrong. Sadness, disappointment, shame, feelings of failure and dejectedness. The world created perfectly in alignment with what was happening within me in that moment.
Then up into the heights: it feels seamless and easy. I feel fulfilled, open, and free. Beautiful, spontaneous, unsolicited feedback and gratitude given to me and received more deeply than ever before. Appearing left, right, and centre for no apparent reason. The world created perfectly in alignment with what was happening within me in that moment.
Then down into a dip again. And me and the world showing up as bad again. Unable to be looked away from. Unable to be distracted from. Like my head held steady to see it all. My body held steady to feel it all. No excuses. No avoiding. No covering it over with more doing or action to make it look like everything’s OK.
Up and down. My experience in the world oscillating in parallel with the inner.
And now, gradually reducing and reducing in height over the last day. Not because I’ve tried to reduce it. It’s just what waves do. And being in the waves, allowing them to carry me, it feels like I’m now getting closer to the shore. The waves are diminishing.
And the background spa-day-state has remained throughout.
It doesn’t go. It doesn’t leave.
And so this is where living in the state of a spa day is incredibly powerful.As you can see from what I’ve shared here, living as this state doesn’t remove all the ups and downs of experience. It doesn’t take away all the challenges. It doesn’t lead to a neutrality with life. You’re not floating along saying ‘om’ and feeling equanimous about all that you see and experience.
What it does instead is provide you with the strong foundation in the background, within which you can then feel and experience all of the foreground. Ideas you’ve had that you have to run away from half of your experience can fall away, and you therefore no longer need to exhaust yourself or impact your relationships in the process.
Then, in moving through it, the imagined limits and dangers can never quite look the same again. I’ve obviously not tested that theory yet with this current experience, but I’ve seen it many times before.
Once you’ve seen the coiled rope is a rope, not a snake, you stop feeling scared of it.
And the veil of that fear falls away.
Revealing a clearer view and a deeper sense of the state of a spa day.
That for which we all long.
That which you already are.
With love, Helen
What better time than now to ponder the words of George Bernard Shaw when he said;
The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want and if they can’t find them, make them.
While having lunch with my friend this week, she was complaining about how bad life has become during this recession. It seems her gasoline and cell phone allowances have been cut. That is unfortunate, but compared to the thousands of people who have lost their jobs, that’s not so bad.
Having our jobs cut is unfortunate, but compared to all the people who lost their homes and life possessions in the floods of New Orleans, that’s not so bad. Losing our homes is very unfortunate, but compared to being tortured in a prison camp or losing our loved ones on 9/11, that’s not so bad. In other words, our circumstances are not so bad they couldn’t be worse, so get busy and make the circumstances you want. We are creative beings. We have been given the incredible ability to think. We live in a country that allows us the freedom to try out new ideas.
Success is like an apple — if you never plant a seed — you’ll never get a tree. Without the tree, you’ll never grow an apple. Start planting those idea seeds that you have in your mind.
This economy may be the best thing that ever happened to our country. It may be the spark that ignites us to look at new ways of doing things. It may get us to meet our neighbors and share our resources. It may push us to think of new ways to live — to do what makes us happy instead of what just makes us money.
Too often we find ourselves putting off what we really wanted to do – like playing ball with our son or spending a quality afternoon with our daughter, sister, or mother. Too often we put our dreams and desires on hold while we slave away at a job we don’t even like. Maybe we’d be happier and not have so much to complain about if we didn’t have that cell phone attached to our ears as we rush around burning up our gas allowance.
The next time you find yourself complaining, remember that you, and only you, can make the circumstances you want. Look around. Find them. Take the first step in that direction. What better time than now?
You cannot see despair if you do not look.
You cannot hear despair if you do not listen.
You cannot feel despair if you do not empathise.
You cannot touch despair if you do not engage.
And you cannot smell despair if you do not breathe.
But in the absence of our ability to see, hear, feel, touch, and smell, despair thrives, stealing hope and lives. Our comfort, our safety, does not absolve us from ensuring others have that too, in fact, it does quite the opposite. Because the privilege afforded to us of comfort and safety, can only truly be of use and therefore sustained if it is used in some way to provide safety and comfort for others. Otherwise, it becomes an empty shell, desperately seeking meaning which no man-made chattel can meet. And that in itself becomes a different kind of despair, an insatiable one that we try to fill with meaningless distractions and ‘busyness’ lest we start to see, hear, feel, touch, or smell the very things that are indeed required to sustain us.
So, let’s ask ourselves these hugely important questions:
- Is this really who we are?
- Are we really going to ask good people to look into the abyss of despair and walk away without offering a helping hand?
- Have we really thought about the consequences of these actions and what it makes us all?
- Can we really continue to sit in our warm homes and eat our plentiful food, with such a steely determination not to share it with those in such desperate need, borne out of our learnt behaviour of fear and greed?
It is not the act of helping vulnerable souls that risks our safety, our abundance, and our way of life, it is the act of not helping those in need that poses the greatest risk of all. That being the loss of our shared humanity, compassion, and love, without which we really have nothing.
This is not who we are.
It is not who we are meant to be.
It is not who we have to be.
And looking away will not make this crisis go away.
Please remember that.
With love
Nik x
It seems like a simple idea, doesn’t it? Of course, you have self leadership! You willingly take steps forward; you have awareness of what makes you uncomfortable and what fills you with joy.
However, there are also parts of you that don’t seem to get air time, the space, or the credit. The parts of you that feel shame, the parts of you that hide, the parts of you that protect you. We are so very good at looking forward, breaking ‘bad’ habits, and achieving new habits.
The problem is that we beat the crap out of ourselves all the time and frankly – it’s exhausting. Especially when our forced change doesn’t stick. We think there is something wrong with us. We shame our angry, jealous, defensive, vengeful parts because we have been told that those parts aren’t acceptable feelings. That those parts are the opposite of who we should be, and we start the shame cycle begins again.
What would it mean if you could better understand those “shameful” parts? What would it mean if you could really dive into those feelings and make room for the reasons why they exist? What would it mean to you if you could make decisions with a deeper understanding of your whole habitat?
Radical Self Leadership is the ability to be in relationship with your whole system and be able to make decisions from a place of appreciation and a place of whole self. If this feels a little too much for you. I highly recommend learning more about Internal Family Systems.
Being an IFS Informed Coach for the past 5 years, there are a few things that I can hold as true. All of those parts of you that you shame are protecting you. They are not out to get you; they are trying to protect you.
So, the journey begins here: What would it mean if we stopped shaming our defensiveness and begin to really honour it for working so hard to protect you?
That, my dear readers, is what I mean by Radical Self Leadership. That we radically connect to the parts that we typically shame. That this connection is radical because you are doing so in gratitude for all the work it does to protect you.
When we begin to develop a slightly different relationship with ourselves, we begin a new journey. Our path appears in front of us differently, we big to lead with a full understanding of all our parts.
If you would like to spend time mapping and acknowledging your feelings, your habitat, and your internal relationships, please reach out. I hold groups and 1:1 sessions that help you process all of the beauty that exists inside.
We change, we accept, or we leave.
Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. Too many companies and work environments are highly impacted by the gossip at the water fountain or conversations behind closed doors. Perhaps you remember the old axiom, “We change, we accept, or we leave.”
If we are unable or unwilling to accept what we hear, then we need to empower ourselves to not constantly rehearse the pros and cons of the individual that we are having difficulties with. It makes us appear as if we do not have an interesting life. There are so many other things to talk about: a foreign country, dreams and goals, our
children or pets, and the way we take care of ourselves. We limit ourselves in our lives and in our relationships with others when we are focused on other people.
It is so powerful to not comment on or to remain silent to the negative comments being
made regarding a friend, fellow worker, or new acquaintance. However, if you want him
or her to leave or change negative behaviors, then you need to step up to your inner power and wisdom to take action authentically and do what is in the best interest of the organization or your life. One way or the other—whether you decide to endure the situation, help the individual change behaviors, or move on—you need to speak directly with the individual and not behind his/her back (gossip).
Be open and authentic in this situation. See it through to the end and handle it. Otherwise, if you are unwilling to take action and go directly to the person in question, then you need to choose not to talk about it and hold others to this agreement as well. We make agreements on a daily basis, and what we are giving out we will be getting back. Give greatness out and you will get greatness back. Give acceptance out and you
will get acceptance back. I love the newer version of the Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.
This summer will mark eight years since I signed emancipation papers from a 22-year failed marriage. Yesterday I spoke this thought, I failed to love. Tears welled in my eyes as this statement felt true in my heart even as I knew I wasn’t a failure at loving. I had failed to love and so had my ex.
I then noticed the depth of healthy anger I voiced to a friend about how he had lied, manipulated, and betrayed my trust, how he had used money as a weapon. I remember the moment he called directly when the divorce process was close to being complete. Prior to this moment, most communications had been through email, our attorneys, and a judge during courtroom proceedings. I chose to answer the call.
“What do you want? I asked meekly, tearfully as I slowly curled up in a ball on the floor in a corner of the kitchen. He angrily demanded money from me and for me to create a document indicating the money he believed I owed for the health care costs of our son’s medical care and the amount I would pay to him each month. Terrified and exhausted, I wanted his raging to end. I agreed and created the document. I signed the paper and faxed it to him for his signature. When I thought about the checks I had written to pay for an award-winning lawyer, I fell prey to his direct bullying tactics and his manipulative presentation of our colluding against any more attorney fees. I now cringe at how quickly I capitulated to my ex’s bullying tactics rather than saying I must talk to my lawyer. He knew he had worn me down. I knew how much I wanted this hell experience to end. I wanted out more than I wanted to fight or abruptly end the phone call.
The whole life insurance we purchased happened because of my excellent health. The nurse came to our house to gather all my health data required by the life insurance company. He had not been a good candidate for coverage as the insurance company discovered unpaid speeding tickets and other red flags of concern about his health. I released the whole life insurance policy to be fully in his name. In these instances, I gave away my power.
My reactions became a grown-up less noxious re-enactment of past experiences including when my older sister stole my brand-new birthday gifts, and my mother threw my favorite beloved toys in the trash as punishment for what I still do not know and will never know. And like my powerless, sexually molested toddler self, I felt suffocated, strangled, and became a curled in a corner petrified participant while whispering internal pleading mantras for my life, my escape.
These direct experiences became the latest gateways into untangling myself even further from these past childhood experiences of terror, worthlessness, powerlessness, and victimization.
And when and where I could, I chose new, brave responses. No longer a child, I took many actions for my freedom from this failed marriage. I sold the former family home and placed a down payment on a house. When I sold my house in central Ohio, I paid my ex in full according to the paper I created, and we both had signed regarding our son’s medical expenses. I managed my finances going forward with a great deal of integrity even as I continued to break my pattern of financial capitulation and discerning financial scams from integrous transactions with decent, good people. I have no debt and an excellent credit score.
Challenging life circumstances happen which allow you additional opportunities to see fully your past survival patterns, to continue to heal, to rewire, and ultimately, transform the choices you make in the present even as you understandably react in familiar ways as you had in the past.
Healthy anger happens when your boundaries are violated. When your body is touched or hurt without your consent, underneath the freeze and fawn, you experience healthy anger. When your healthy body is used as the foundation of a purchase of whole life insurance that you never receive any benefits, then this becomes fuel for healthy anger. When a person lies, manipulates, cheats, and steals from you, then healthy anger is a valid reaction. When you allow another to steal from you with your consent, you experience healthy anger simultaneously towards the bully and the part of you that capitulated. You can have a compassionate conversation with this part of you.
Releasing this healthy anger involves allowing yourself to feel it, to express this emotion in ways which do not harm you or any other person. Roaring like a lion while sitting alone in your parked car, screaming into a pillow in your bedroom, smashing coconuts on the ground are some safe ways to release healthy anger. Grieving the loss becomes the next layer which often emerges inside the release of the anger, and then maybe laughter will bubble up from an even deeper, conscious place which can restore you to this present moment. Letting go, processing through the layered impressions of every one of these experiences becomes a pathway to soul liberation and lessons learned.
May you not ever abandon, betray, or reject yourself. May you refrain from bullying yourself and take fresh, brave actions now that you know you can. May you see new possible pathways for growth, learning, and deepening experiences of healthy agency. May you feel the release and connect with your personal power and peace.
How do we end up saying yes to everything and then never having enough time to get it all done? This is a common experience in most corporations these days with shrinking budgets and fewer staff to meet all the expectations required for growth. We often say yes to things that don’t make sense to do rather than saying no to solidify our ‘high performer’ identity.
We can choose to operate differently by embracing A Culture of AND.
We achieve this by adding the word AND to saying YES and NO to others. This empowers us to:
- give our best,
- ensure that our colleagues and leaders have what they actually need vs. what they think they want,
- get what we need to make good on that YES, or
- let others know WHY we are saying no in ways that help them to move forward anyway
Let’s break each of these down –
Giving our Best:What keeps us from giving our best? Often it is a lack of clarity in our role or a misunderstanding about what we are trying to achieve in the first place. Many times, it comes from not having the information required, or the time to digest that information prior to engaging in brainstorming or decision-making with others.
Other times it is the idea that we have to work 80 hours each week just to keep up with the pace of doing 2 full-time jobs while we wait for the new positions to be filled.
When we place getting the job done ahead of our health and wellness, it’s very difficult to give our best. During these times, it’s important to be OK with our best being different at different times. Raising children, supporting parents, dealing with health issues, and learning new skills, all impact what ‘our best’ is in each situation. When we use the power of AND to acknowledge what our best is in each moment and accept that is exactly what is needed, we are free to give what we have to give while managing expectations with others.
Saying YES + AND may sound like this:
‘YES – I’d love to help you get clarity on that. I have been out with a sick child for a week and am booked solid for the next two weeks AND I realize that I’m the best person to help you with this. I could give you a couple of hours next week if you could replace me at the all-day set-up meeting. That would give me the time to help you before the presentation’.
Saying NO + AND may sound like this:
‘NO. I won’t be able to help you with that as I’m off that day with my family AND I have two potential colleagues who may be able to step in on my behalf. I’d like to introduce them to you once I know who is available.
Ensuring that our colleagues and leaders get what they actually need
Too many times our colleagues or leaders ask us for information or assistance that doesn’t make sense to us. We can see that what they are asking for is not going to help them, yet we do it anyway, not wanting to question their authority or ‘higher wisdom’. Many of us learned this as small children when asking ‘why’ we had to do something, and the answer was ‘because I said so’. This taught many of us that others know better and that it’s not our place to question what they ask of us.
Unfortunately, those around us can’t always see the perspective we hold – even if they used to do the same job in the past. If we are going to add our highest value, it’s up to us to ensure the requester actually gets what they need to move forward in their world.
Sometimes the information we are asked for doesn’t make sense given what they are trying to decide or accomplish. When this happens, we can use YES + AND:
‘YES – I understand that you/they are looking for the ‘xyz’ information AND if I can better understand how it’s going to be used, I can get you what you need in a format you can use right away.’
(then) ‘Given what you are trying to communicate, the information you are asking for won’t really help. A quick 15-minute conversation together will give me chance to get us both on the same page to get you what they need so you can effectively make the case. When can we do that?’
Sometimes a request doesn’t make sense because we are not the person that has the answers or owns that body of work. When that happens, we can use NO + AND to steer the conversation in a productive direction. It may sound like this:
‘NO – I’m actually not the one who has that information – AND I don’t want you to have to run around to get what you need. Here is my understanding of who would have that and the best way/timing/approach to get it quickly from them’.
Getting what we need to make good on that YES
Often we ARE the right person and we DO have the information, insights, or content that our colleagues or supervisors need. At the same time, requests that come in with low clarity and a fast-turnaround time can disrupt our progress on existing efforts and priorities. How do we say yes then? When we are asked to focus on something that will take us away from what we are doing, it’s up to us to manage that expectation. It might sound like this:
‘YES – I can get you that information for your meeting tomorrow AND for me to do that, I’ll be skipping the team meeting this afternoon to get you a draft by COB. I will need a response on the draft from you by 9 am tomorrow to make any other adjustments, so you have it for noon.’
If you are not sure what is OK to let go of or delay, you may need to engage your supervisor to help decide what the priority is. It might sound like this:
YES – I understand what you need and why, AND for me to get that to you by COB today, I’ll need your guidance on what to stop working on or delay for now as this will take me the rest of the afternoon. I have two internal stakeholder meetings scheduled and the event calendar is due today. Can you help me run interference on those?
Letting others know WHY you are saying no in ways that help them to move forward anyway
As an organization shifts and grows, roles and responsibilities and lines of the work shift and grow as well. While we may know who does what within our own unit, others that engage and rely on us may not.
Sometimes we end up with requests that are not appropriate for us, even though the requester would feel better if we did it. While this situation may be hiding a deeper problem, it is not up to us to fix it for others. Instead, we can use NO + AND to guide the requester back to those that are accountable for the work. It might sound like this:
NO – while I used to do some of that work, it’s now being done by this group AND it is important that they are the ones to advise you so everything stays integrated. While I understand you would prefer to engage with me, they are working hard to build the skills and responsiveness that you are looking for, and every time they have a chance to respond they get better at it. Let me suggest you contact (this person) and help them understand your overall intention and timeline and that will help them give you a firm date to access the content you are looking for.
How can you cultivate a culture of AND today?
In dharma studies recently, our instructor told us about the analogy of “the pen” to illustrate for us emptiness and karma. She held up a pen and asked us what it was. Of course, the whole room agreed that it was a pen. But then, she asked, “and if a dog saw this, what would the dog see?”
There was some debate. Maybe, the dog wouldn’t even notice. Likely, though, the dog would see a chew toy of some sort.
“Humans see ‘pen’ and dogs see ‘chew toy.’”
The exercise was to show us that your mind is where the meaning is made about anything, any person, or any object. Everything and everyone are empty, and it’s our karmic seeds and our mental projections that give things their weight, their meaning, and also, our suffering.
I began to think more deeply about the pen, and about emptiness. I mentally trekked back to pandemic times, swirling around with thoughts of someone I considered a light bearer and teacher.
I spoke very openly about it with a friend, who said to me:
“Andee, you were in love. He could have taken a shit, and you would have said ‘THAT is the most beautiful shit anyone has ever taken.'”
It was quite profound for me to think back to those times. I was experiencing space in my mind for the first time in years, and in the mornings, I heard nothing but quiet and promise. There was finally an “out” for me, from all the rigor and repetition and abuse from strangers at a job I held for 11 years. I was also just a few months out of addiction, and I was awake.
I loved him since I first heard his voice. He had a simple delivery, and I understood the words that he said.
When my mind started making space in those quiet, uncertain months, I didn’t know how to love whatever I was feeling. Those mornings in solitude running ten miles and then sitting for an hour watching the water… I would stretch as I watched him stretch. His body was my body. His spirit was my spirit.
I made him the figure in my mind that represented freedom.
I read the books he told me to read, listened to the things he told me to listen to, and all those teachings permeated my mind as my feet thump thumped, one after the other, every day. Every minute, more healing. Every moment, my brain repairing itself, becoming creative, becoming coherent.
I re-listened to one of his mediations from two years ago recently and I heard in it just a regular guy, saying regular words. When did the words of this man I once likened to a great messiah become regular?
As I think back on it now, it was the opening of my inner enveloped heart that was bliss; the long mornings and connection with myself, and the absence of anyone to infiltrate the purity of this new being I was channeling. This new being was whom I was to build, and as I floated and disassociated from old story, I anchored to him. But he was just “regular.”
And I know more than ever, it was never him. I was waking up, and I didn’t know how to be awake, so I said “it’s him. He does this.”
It wasn’t him. It was me. He was the pen.
Please take the pledge against distracted living!I want to live a full and joyous life! I want to have meaningful connections with the people I love the most! I want to be fully engaged in the lives of my family and friends. I want them to know I love them and I want to feel their love for me. I want to notice and enjoy this beautiful world we live in and savor all that nature has to offer me.
I want to engage all of my senses to be fully present in this wonderful and beautiful world. I want to feel fully, love deeply, and rejoice with my whole heart at all that life has to offer.
Therefore, I take this brave pledge against DISTRACTED LIVING:
- I will not look at or take out my phone when I am with my family and friends.
- I will not use my phone when I am interacting with any other people (i.e., the store clerk who is assisting me).
- I will turn off ringtones and notifications when I am out in public at concerts, plays, social events, and more.
- I will shut off or put away my phone, laptop, tablet, and TV when it is time for things like family dinners, BBQs, and any other social event.
- If I need to use my phone when around people, I will politely excuse myself and move to a private location.
- I will not view my child’s concerts, social events, and other special occasions through the screen of my phone.
- I will better plan my day so that there is time to respond to e-mails, phone messages, and the like.
- I will watch and learn to manage the amount of time I use social media. I will strive to never let virtual reality become my reality.
- I will never look at my phone while driving my car. I will not text and drive. If I do need to use my phone while driving, I will either use Blue Tooth or pull over to a safe spot. I will not endanger others by using or looking at my phone while on the road.
- I will turn to God instead of Google, Family instead of Facebook, Inspiration instead of Instagram, People instead of Pinterest, and Socializing instead of Snap Chat.
I am to blame. Society is fractured and it’s my fault. I chipped away at civility one encounter at a time, pointing a finger toward everyone else as I accused society of being meaner than it used to be. Gazing out my window and across my lawn, it occurred to me one day that society did not stop at my property line. I am part of the society to which I refer to as broken and unkind.
The year was 2020, and I had returned to the sanctuary of my home from a trip to the grocery store which meant dealing with thoughtless, rude people clogging up the aisles, and sharing the road with careless, indignant drivers. Impatient shoppers pushing me aside to get what they wanted was bad enough in a normal year. The violation of my personal space took on a whole new meaning at the beginning of the pandemic. Knowing how a regular upper respiratory illness tends to hit my lungs, I was a little anxious about inclusion in a statistic of which I wanted no part.
Returning to the safety of home, I closed the door to the world and breathed a sigh of relief. Washing the danger of illness off my hands, I looked up at the woman in the bathroom mirror and came face to face with the problem. I had become a meaner person than I used to be. The kind young woman who left the nest decades ago wearing a smile she meant was buried inside an embittered woman peering out of jaded eyes.
How can one average person like me be to blame for the degradation of humanity’s civility? The answer is lying right there in the question: Because I am average. I am not one; I am one of many.
I am a drop in an ocean of people massive enough to effect change without realizing we have done so. I did not wound civility in an instant, and I did not wound it alone. Sure, we like to blame the ones in the spotlight. Politicians make it easy to lay all the blame on them. They are not without blame, but the average people have the numbers. Compared to our ocean of average people, politicians are nothing more than a single martini glass filled with self-serving lawyers and garnished with a narcissistic businessman who keeps stirring up the mix.
Humanity has not been injured just by politicians. It’s been injured by the masses. Picture a bell curve. There are a small number of extraordinarily good people on the right side (Mother Teresa, my grandmother-in-law Hazel, etc.) and a small number of unthinkably bad people on the left side (Hitler, Charles Manson, etc.). Most of us reside in the large area in the middle, in the land of average. Together we ordinary people have the power of numbers to turn the clock back to civility one encounter at a time.
Since that day in 2020, I’ve been in search of my lost benevolence. It took a while, but I found it on the front porches and neighborhood streets of the hometown that raised me. I found it in grade school classrooms and under the shade of a tree on a playground. You can read about my discovery in Walking Old Roads, set for the bookshelves sometime in mid to late 2023. In the meantime, I’m trying a little each day to be a kinder version of myself and extend my definition of home beyond the boundaries of my property line.
I don’t want to play the blame game anymore. How about you?
When is the last time you did absolutely nothing for 10 whole minutes? Not texting, talking or even thinking? Mindfulness expert Andy Puddicombe describes the transformative power of doing just that: Refreshing your mind for 10 minutes a day, simply by being mindful and experiencing the present moment. (No need for incense or sitting in uncomfortable positions.)
At this time of year, many people get clear on what their word of the year is or spend time reflecting on the previous year and setting a vision for the next year. Interestingly I had lunch recently with a colleague who sets up her year in August of the previous year. That said this is not an article about the merits of having a vision or when to set it, in fact, it goes deeper than that to question the very essence of what vision is.
In a course in miracles a book that was channelled by a woman whose name was only revealed on her death, one of the key ideas is that In no situation that arises do you realise the outcome that would make you happy. Therefore, you have no guide to appropriate action and no way of judging the result.
This idea can bring up a lot of resistance for many because as one of my clients calls it your Shego/hego wants to be in control of everything that happens so it will fight tooth and nail to retain that. To help clients understand these ideas I encourage them to work with the following mantra I do not perceive my own best interests for at least a day.
Why does that mantra work?I found that particular mantra very freeing, perhaps because from where I am at and what I have experienced, it made so much sense. Think of it this way the conditioned self has been taught that it is each person for themselves and that you have to go into every situation considering either what’s in it for me or how I can I get the best outcome for me?
If you strip that attitude back to the underlying emotion that’s driving that way of being, it is fear. And what can make this more complex is that sometimes this fear is masked by anger. Let’s explore fear for a moment. It could be fear of missing out; fear of being ripped off and so on. When we examine that fear we see what lies beneath. It may be that you feel completely alone and feel the need to protect yourself for example. Now let’s dig deeper to see what lies underneath that. Fundamentally what we see is lack: this can show up as I haven’t got enough: or that I am not enough. If we are all aspects of the Divine then how can that idea be true?
At its simplest when in that place we are not seeing clearly; and all destructive emotions are merely mental projections based on interpretations that come from deeply held and unquestioned beliefs. How do we shift this? I am an adherent of these words from a very wise soul:
In the end, the reason we study is to be able to tackle and reduce our destructive emotions.
~ dalai lama
This year more than ever as a seven-year, you are encouraged to become more reflective and put space in your diary to create that. What has helped me is to cultivate a daily practice that includes:
- 10-20 mins of qi gong to clear any trapped chi (energy);
- reflection on my emotional and mental state using prompts;
- reading spiritual books and reflecting on their message and what it means for me
Notice the importance of working with the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Which of these pathways comes most easily for you?
The power of thoughtIt is your thoughts that affect your sense of emotional well-being and can impact on your effectiveness in life. Remember there are no neutral thoughts.
Every thought you have can bring you pain or delight. And the more we are stuck in that level of reality the more challenging life can become because it can feel overwhelming.
Every day the Dalai Lama follows a daily practice that consists of cultivating bodhicitta, a sense of altruism rooted in compassion. You could work with the following verse to cultivate yours if it resonates:
For as long as space endures
And for as long as living beings remain
Until then may I too abide
To dispel the misery of the world.
Why make time for a daily practice when life is so busy?
Dedicated to all the women out there, I salute you for being YOU!I have many battle scars recovering from life’s unending struggles. I’ve learned at a young age to slay villains, demons, monsters & my own internal dragons. Whilst standing tall amidst these dark nights of the soul periods, there were times I silently yearned to be rescued by a saviour or hero.
When calamity strikes my natural disposition is to seek solutions or alternatives to grow through whatever was/is in my path.
I showed up as a heroine across my social, professional & family circles. Unawares I was co-creating how others perceived or treated me. This resulted in hardly anyone showing up during many of my darkest hours of need.
Even through these tumultuous times, my energy was redirected towards helping anyone other than myself. I had no inclination that this behaviour was an adaptation, deeply rooted from a conditioned narrative and a wounded trauma response.
I felt alone, abandoned & often lonely, even with many people around me who naturally gravitated towards my magnanimous personality.
Well my personality, or rather personal reality, became one where I often felt bitter. Little did I realise my need to keep the peace, and take care of everyone’s wellbeing, was not in service to me or others. I found myself reactive, silently harbouring resentment, disappointment & sheer disgust. How could those near & dear not see or appreciate I needed reciprocation for how I served them?
Having two life-defining experiences, a retrenchment & more recently a conscious uncoupling (divorce), very few people came to my aid. Fast track today, navigating being a single mom of 3 with 2 teenagers, has its fair share of challenges. There are feelings of isolation with no one to turn to.
I value the gift of these very important experiences which bring forth many life lessons. Somehow I could not see this clearly before.
You see, the universe will give us the push we need to step out of feeling like a victim. Where we are deeply entrenched in seeing only barriers & obstacles, almost blinded by them. It forces us to first accept our hero’s journey quest, to conquer the adaptations we assumed from our childhood. These vary from I’m not good enough, I don’t belong, Who am I to think I can be great, I have to be the good girl, I’m the black sheep…
When we finally connect to our authentic truth, we unveil the many personas we’ve been shackled by for years. This is when the hero’s no longer refuse the call, stepping courageously out of their ordinary world into the fearful unknown.
This is what women do daily, each day approaching uncertainty, yet forging ahead valiantly amidst the volatility they face in life.
So whilst we are indeed co-creators in our lives, we can create a life design by fully embracing who we are at our core. Acknowledging ourselves for just how far we’ve journeyed, & continuing the cycle over and over again.
Understanding the mind-body connection is vitally important in sustaining a healthy life. To have a healthy, vibrant body, we must eat and drink certain foods rich in vitamins and minerals.
But are we consciously aware of what is needed for a healthy mental state? Besides the foods we eat, what else do you do for your mental health?
In this week’s Mindful Moment, be aware of your thoughts. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Are the thoughts I direct toward myself gently, loving, and compassionate? Are they filled with judgment and criticism?
- Are my overall thoughts positive in nature? Or more negative?
- Do I incorporate thoughts filled with gratitude and appreciation regularly?
When reflecting on the above questions, try to do so with curiosity and no self-judgment.
Our minds are just as important as our bodies. Please treat your mental health with love and respect just as you do for your body. Your mental health deserves your love and attention.
I‘ve been writing on the internet for years, in the beginning mostly on social media. It’s only been the last two and a half, really, that I’ve expanded to a bigger audience.
When I was just posting on …. ugh… Facebook, what I noticed again and again is that when I wrote when I was angry, I used to get a lot more engagement than when I wrote when I was calm. That’s because when I was angry, I wrote in an agitating way. There’s a difference between agitation and brute force.
People often double down and resist any time they feel oppressed. The best way to create harmonious love and growth with a friend, a boss, a partner, etc, is to not use brute force. And yet, I think there’s a really beautiful place for agitation. We wouldn’t change without it.
I DO NOT think humans should live their lives agitated. I think we should live in peace in the here and now. Yet, if you’re not living in peace in the here and now, there’s a place for agitation.
Like, for example, are you unhappy with your body but you’re drinking several nights per week? Do you really not think that drinking is not contributing to your extra puffiness and overall poorer physical and mental health? Why do you not want to look at your drinking? Are you unwilling to examine the cultural influences you live under? Are you unwilling to acknowledge drinking is just a symptom of something being unsettled, having unresolved issues, and not being close to yourself?
OR- are you unhappy in your job but want to justify religiously why you’re SO HAPPY there? Why it’s “not so bad?”
I posted a screenshot of a text I sent to a friend in early 2020 (right before COVID) about how happy I was at my abusive job working 35 hours a week and not doing much else. And how I’m “not passionate about podcasts or sales.” (Ahem… that’s basically a giant chunk of what I do now.) I was lying to myself to stay comfortable. Because I was being a little bitch.
Like, where are you lying to yourself? Maybe you do need some agitation.
Like, I tell people all the time, “just show up every day and things will happen.”
It’s that simple. Show up and do one stupid tiny thing every day. One tiny stupid thing. In your whole f__king day, do one thing.
In the hours and hours of lying around and masturbating and watching reels on Instagram, do one f__king thing that serves you. One thing. Can you not do this? Maybe you need some agitation. Maybe you need to examine why you can’t break away from cooking reels to do a tiny workout? Do you need that much dopamine? How sick are you?
I’m all about self love– it’s how I got here. And I’m also about action.
What changes your life? Changing your thoughts, and repetition.
There’s a good place for agitation.
I was watching a Dr. Joe video yesterday and he said “most people quit when they come up against the boundary of the known self.” I see this in my work all the time. Everything you know about yourself, the world, and reality is a complete load of bullshit.
I am “one of those people” who has made massive transformation post age 35. I’m one of those people who “got out of the loop.” I’m one of those people who acknowledges every bit of bullshit I tell myself and others.
I’m one of those people who, when I want something, often sits in perpetual discomfort until my neural pathways are rewired. I do this by doing work, examining my story, and being open and present to what is.
There’s a quote “discipline is prioritizing what you want most over what you want now.”
Maybe you don’t really want the things you say you do. Maybe you gotta look at that.
How agitated do you feel?
If it’s a lot, you’re welcome.
Stay beautiful
Andee
The term wellbeing seems to be cropping up everywhere.…As a primary objective of national and local government and their policies.
…As the intention behind culture change programmes – “to improve the wellbeing of all our stakeholders.”
…In the self-help industry, as a key outcome of doing the physical, emotional and spiritual work on oneself.
…In individual teams – to support a better ethos.
But what is it exactly?When I ask this question of business leaders, I typically get responses like these..
…it’s about having enough money to buy new things,
…it’s the thrill of hitting target and knowing a bonus is on its way,
…a good night out,
…my regular trip to the gym.
…a decent vacation in a hot clime.
I get that. From a world-of-work perspective, we’ve often thought of wellbeing as the by-product of a job well done. Which it is, of course, but this can be problematic.
Having a new car or being on that sandy beach does not guarantee you’ll feel good about it. If your self-talk is preoccupied with a worry or concern, you may not even notice the sound of the waves or the warmth of the sun on your back.
Working hard today to consume future goodies also has a “jam tomorrow” feel to it. It obscures questions such as what about now, what’s stopping us being well today, right here right now?
With questions like these in mind, I wondered whether an additional understanding of wellbeing would be helpful. One that…
…speaks to its role in doing a job well in the first place, less so just its by-product,
…might move us away from the idea that wellbeing is a nice thing to have if only we had time to focus on it,
…encourages those who think it’s just soft and fluffy nonsense, and not very business-y, to think again.
My journey took me to two different ways of thinking about wellbeing.1. By its absence
I don’t know about you, but I have a particular knack of noticing wellbeing’s absence. The worrisome frown that never seems to leave a leader’s face. The false, forced smile of the receptionist you meet as you sign in for an important. The team that’s paying lip service to its own dreams and getting bogged down in minutia.
Personally speaking, we know it too. When you’re feeling uptight or anxious, or downright sad and miserable, and are ruminating on something to the point where you can’t see things clearly, wellbeing becomes elusive. And it shows in facial expressions, tone of voice, vocabulary used and overall demeanour.
We may not talk about it often, but, I suggest, we all know via our visceral reactions when wellbeing has gone AWOL.
- By definition
A group of researchers at Cardiff Met University * surveyed all the academic literature on wellbeing. They found many descriptions of states of wellbeing but few definitions.
Their intention was to discover an easily recognisable and understood definition. They concluded wellbeing is…
“A balancing or equilibrium point in the mind that arises when the psychological, social and physical resources available to us match the psychological, social and physical challenges confronting us.”
This spoke to me.
Whether in myself or some of the leaders I’ve worked with over the years, I’ve witnessed first-hand what’s possible when in this mental state of equilibrium. For instance…
…hostility and ill will are absent,
…sure, we experience how life endlessly changes – from gain to loss, praise to blame, fame to disrepute, pleasure to pain – but we feel a sense of impartiality about this, rooted in the mind’s immeasurable abundance.
…Self-talk isn’t noisy in this balanced state, you feel open to whatever happens next and curious about what that could be.
…There’s a sense of wonder about what enables the natural qualities you have to take centre stage again whenever they’ve eluded you. Qualities such as calmness, clarity, creativity, and resilience.
…You’re neither happy nor sad, just content in a place of in-betweenness. No matter what’s before you, it can’t faze you for long.
…Whether the road ahead feels challenging or pregnant with opportunity becomes a choice that would otherwise be inaccessible to you if illbeing rather than wellbeing were front of mind.
Do you recognise this understanding of wellbeing in yourself?
The thing is, I’ve come to realise, wellbeing seen in this way is already available to any of us right now.
Sure it ebbs and flows a bit, but once we realise it’s our internal sense-making of the thoughts, feelings and sensations that come to us about external events, circumstance and other people, which shape our moment-to-moment experience, we reclaim more influence over our inner life. Influence that so many of us, me included, had completely forgotten about.
Now, how cool would it be if governments, organisations, and teams put this understanding of wellbeing centre stage in their efforts to help us lead our best lives?
To discover more please visit https://www.rogermartin.me/home
* to see the full research paper see here
We like to think we’re optimistic, positive people. After all, no one wants to be considered a grump (well… almost no one – I see you, J!). If you follow me, you know I’m an active advocate for the power of positivity and ways we can use happiness as a gauge of how we’re doing.
In truth, we don’t always quite hit the mark. I’ve railed against performative positivity, where we ignore the reality of emotions that make us uncomfortable or pay lip service to the practice without having the emotional literacy to navigate it effectively. And, at the end of the day, we are still very much human.
We might mean to be positive, but those negative thoughts have a way of creeping in, especially if we’re tired or anxious.
Strong emotion has a way of derailing us, as do the negative influences around us. Even the most intentional among us have bad days (weeks, years…) where the biology takes over and we find ourselves in a funk.
While negativity bias is a very real biological impulse designed to keep us alive, we don’t have to surrender to our fate and live at its mercy. We actually have far more choice over how we react to our environment than we give ourselves credit for. To do that, it’s helpful to be able to recognize some of the road signs that suggest we’re heading down that familiar, miserable trail. Here are five of the most common ones.
Black and White ThinkingIf you catch yourself using ‘all’ or ‘nothing’ statements you’re already falling into a negativity mindset. When this comes up, the best thing to do is to remind yourself the world doesn’t really work that way. In fact, there are more shades of grey than you might think. When we’re in survival mode (like being cornered by an aggressive person on a Zoom call), our brains revert to this basic decision-making framework. “Fight OR Flight!” “Accept OR Quit!” When this happens, and when we realize it’s happening, consider pausing and giving yourself a minute (or an hour) to calm down so you can more objectively look at the situation. You’ll probably find there are at least a handful of other options that might better meet your needs. Don’t let the adrenaline win!
Tunnel VisionWhen you can only see the bad in everything, it’s no wonder you can feel lost in a sea of despair and negative self-talk. My dad used to call this, “Looking at the world through sh*t-covered glasses”. When we feel trapped, however, we can stop looking for opportunities – to make changes, to escape, to take a break, to find an alternate path…. Look for the positive spin you can put on things. I find gratitude especially helpful in these situations. Gratitude doesn’t negate the reality, but rather changes the way I approach it. “I’m super grateful that if I have to experience this, I can take these learnings and help others also facing these kinds of situations!” This “sow’s ear to silk purse” mindset helps me regain a little equilibrium so I’m not stuck.
Expecting the WorstWhen you can only see the negative outcome in everything, life kind of sucks! Sometimes, failure happens. Sometimes it’s truly catastrophic. As a former project manager, I think about this in terms of “Risk Management”. Your brain is already making up stories about the worst-case scenarios (thanks, negativity bias!) so use those to your benefit! You can even use dire predictions to work out a ‘plan B’ in case you need one but try not to get stuck in that doom spiral. Also, remember to remind yourself there’s also a chance of success in what you try. There’s no reason to assume the worst.
Horror StoriesWe ALL do this – we can’t help it. When we don’t have all the information, we start making up stories to fill in the gap – and those stories? Very rarely filled with sunshine and rainbows. We assume, consciously or otherwise, that we know what someone else is thinking, and it’s never good. To combat it? Try having an honest conversation with the person instead. Let them speak for themselves. They might even surprise you. We might instinctively expect the worst, but we can re-align those expectations closer to reality if we get the real scoop.
Imposter SyndromeOnce upon a time, you didn’t know everything about something. Maybe that resulted in an unpleasant situation, maybe it didn’t, but the fear sticks with us. It’s time to let it go. For some people, their brains are expert at bringing up the past, regardless of how much time has passed or what you’ve done to correct the mistake, increase your knowledge, skills, network, abilities… When that nagging little voice shows up and threatens your confidence, remind yourself of the lessons you’ve learned. You may or may not be THE EXPERT in whatever it is you’re focused on. Are you good enough? Do you have the right tools, and more importantly, the right people on your team? Probably. If not, who do you need to bring in to make things happen? Remember, the past is in the past. Look forward, seeing the possibilities. If you can’t completely let it go, use it as guidance in your own next steps so you’re that much MORE prepared for the next challenge. Nobody is perfect. Nobody knows everything. That’s not even the goal. Competence, confidence, and curiosity? Those will take you far.
To be fair, in the 80 gazillion things we experience on a daily basis, some of them, sometimes a WHOLE LOT of them, are not enjoyable. However, also in that 80 gazillion thing bucket, statistically there are at least a handful of experiences that are pretty good – or even better! We’re wired to instinctively focus on bad stuff. That’s cool. Biology is neat, and keeps us alive. We don’t have to be at the complete mercy of survival instincts, though. We can honor and appreciate those tendences and balance them out with actively, intentionally seeking out the good, because it’s there, too. And while happiness is the gauge of success, not the goal, we’re going to have more happiness when we’re looking for it. After all, frequency illusion? That’s science, too, and we can absolutely hack into that!
On March 1st, I went to an appointment with a new doctor. Well, he’s actually a very well-established doctor. But it was my first visit with him. I approached a receptionist who was seated behind an open, sliding window. I had a mask in my hand. I held it up so the receptionist could see it and asked if I was required to wear it. When she told me masks were optional, I put mine in my pocket.
While I was checking in with that receptionist, a woman to my left was checking in at another window with another receptionist. Since the woman talked quite loudly, I could hear her say she was checking her husband in. I looked around the waiting room and saw no one. Assuming her husband must be parking their car, I turned my attention back to my receptionist. When our business was finished, I took a seat and waited to be called to see the doctor.
The entrance to the waiting room was to my right. I heard the door opening, looked that way, and saw an elderly man shuffling in, walker first. Though he was significantly older than the woman who said she was checking her husband in, she turned toward him as he entered. He immediately snapped at her, loudly and angrily, “Have you ever tried to take your jacket off in the bathroom?!”
You only get one chance to make a first impression.
Maneuvering his walker across the room, he sat opposite me, facing me. His wife approached him from his left and handed him a clipboard.
He snapped again: “What do you want?!”
She explained, gently and with more patience than the old bastard deserved, “You have to sign this form.”
He did. She took the form to the window and handed it to the receptionist. Then she took a seat to his right.
When she was seated, he said again, just as loudly, “Have you ever tried to take your jacket off in the bathroom?!”
She said, “No.”
Then he pointed across the waiting room at me and said, just as loudly as he’d said everything else, “What the hell’s the matter with that guy? And why the hell isn’t he wearing a mask?!”
I looked up and smiled.
His wife said, “I don’t know.” Then she got up, walked across the waiting room, picked up a magazine, and took a seat on my side of the room, three or four chairs to my left.
I sat quietly, occasionally glancing at Mr. Sunshine and waiting for him to say something else to or about me. He didn’t.
The Aftermath
Two days after that experience, I saw a post on Substack called, “I’ll Never Forgive the Coronamaniacs”. The entire post is worth reading. Its anger and resentment are completely appropriate and justified. But this jumped out at me:
I’ve seen on-line graduation ceremonies and gowns mailed to students so they could take photos in their backyards, and prom dresses and sports uniforms that were never worn. I’ve heard stories of teens breaking down and crying in their rooms because their youth was being stolen. I’ve seen people unnecessarily unemployed for eight months, desperately seeking work, via computer, ten hours a day, seven days a week. Tens of thousands more people fatally overdosed than in an average year. I was barred from visiting my very ill mother in the hospital. How many families couldn’t gather, either to break bread or to mourn the death of a close relative? Marriages have been postponed; how many children will not have been born because of Corona theater? Overall, how many billions of memories that could have been made, weren’t? Stolen time is irreplaceable.
I’ve seen many of those same things. I’ve seen my grandchildren terrified of wearing masks because they thought it meant they had the virus. I’ve been prevented from seeing my mother in the memory-care unit in which she lived before passing away in January. I’ve known people who postponed marriages. I’ve known people who were denied funerals for their loved ones. I’ve seen families fractured and friendships ended. I’ve seen all manner of panic. And I’ve seen vituperation directed at those who refused to panic.
I don’t know if the bug up the ass of that old son-of-a-bitch in the waiting room was the coronavirus or COVID-related. And I’ll forgive him and forget him with equal alacrity; although, I’ll never figure out why his wife puts up with him.
But I’ll always wonder: who was that masked man?
Bobbie Hickey – a curious 16-year-old girl born blind, but with a big personality. Having had over 150 general anesthetics and in excess of 50 operations, Bobbie has had her fair share of ups and downs. Today, Hickey stands as a 5ft 4inch confident teen, who has a passion for animals, fashion, and adrenalin and has the desire to travel and explore the world. Some of Bobbie’s achievements include receiving her RIB license, (meaning she may be Ireland’s first blind speed boat driver) and taking part in various musicals. Her friends and family know she loves to talk so it was no surprise when Hickey brought home the winning trophy for her previous school’s speech competition and announced she would make an uplifting and motivating speech in front of that same school. Remember, Bobbie is spelled with an IE.
The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality, and it was vitality that seemed to seep away from me in that moment.
In a talk equal parts eloquent and devastating, writer Andrew Solomon takes you to the darkest corners of his mind during the years he battled depression. That led him to an eye-opening journey across the world to interview others with depression — only to discover that, to his surprise, the more he talked, the more people wanted to tell their own stories.
It was my second day preparing a long list of much-required paperwork as part of a tiresome and long process. It’s not that the level of nonsense and unprincipled behavior was surprising.
The adult in me knows why people do what they do. She has been pushed by life to get educated psychologically — most importantly, seriously work on her distorted narratives. Thus, she realizes that when we are merely operating on auto-pilot and are driven by fear, we are in a survival/protective mode.
Whether hurting others is intentional or not, our behavior toward others mirrors our inner turmoil and is not personal when dealing with a stranger. The inner child of my psyche, though, can’t take BS or accept unfairness and/or accountability-avoidance tendencies, and I can wholeheartedly understand and support her! That’s where accessing our self-awareness and enlarging the gap between the stimulus and response — also known as Emotional Regulation — comes into play, hopefully.
If developing one’s EQ is something of interest to you, maybe you might find some value in this essay.
P.S. The left brain plays the adult role of the psyche, while the right one is linked to the inner child archetype.
This is how the discussion with my inner child looks like, in general, when faced with challenging situations and/or dealing with difficult individuals:
Acknowledgment & ValidationI feel you, sweetheart, you know! [Fill in the blanks] is not okay, and you have all the right to feel the way you do.
Pointing out subtly the futility of being attached to the external worldBut here is the thing, love: this situation or behavior is out of our control. We can’t change people’s hearts, sadly enough, baby girl… All we can do is wish them inner peace, lead a virtuous life independently, and enjoy the fruits.
The “Substitute”Do you really wanna lose time and energy we could use for play and creative endeavors on meaningless things that will never add a single value to our sacred world? I bet you don’t! Let’s move on, shall we?
I should probably specify that when the anger emotion is translated to compassion or pity feeling, my action will depend on the circumstances.
When inappropriate behavior is directed at a human being who feels powerless, I will undoubtedly defend them gently but firmly. A calm demeanor helps embarrass the perpetrator and soothe the victim. Sometimes, I feel that the bullies give themselves permission to abuse others because nobody ever stopped them. That’s when I decide to stand up for myself so that the grandiose and delusional individual may think twice before repeating the same behavior with other people in the future. Granting compassion or pity depends on whether my intuition is telling me if the person in front of me is an inherently good folk or an antagonist. In both situations, I can send my unconditional love to the lost parts of the soul, though!
The precious encounterI was on my way back to my faraway car. My heart was peaceful but my vessel was exhausted; first from physical actions and running in all directions, and second from all the Emotional Regulation instances. That’s when I saw that man at the corner of a street filled with cars and people during a peak hour. He had two crutches to help him stand.
I stopped and greeted him warmly before adding, “Do you need any help?”
He smiled beautifully, “I’m looking for a cab.”
I spent around 10 minutes looking for one. I felt heartbroken since I wasn’t aware of how difficult it was to find cabs in my city, and sent some healing love to all those dealing with such a struggle daily… When I eventually caught my cab, I was around a mile far from my friend of the day. I explained I needed him to pick a guy and showed him his spot. The taxi driver firmly notified me that, if I wanted him to do me a favor [yeah… it speaks volumes about entitlement and lack of empathy, you guessed right!], I needed to get into the car so that he doesn’t stop for another customer and may start charging right away… He said that; your eyes are not playing games, nope!
When we reached my friend, I handed the important papers folder to a lady standing next to him and didn’t think twice before helping him sit by gently manipulating his motionless legs. His whole face shone brightly, “I genuinely don’t know what to say to thank you for your generous heart and kindness!”
You don’t need to, my friend! My heart is fulfilled whenever I can contribute to making someone’s day a little better! In fact, I should be the one thanking you… Now, my day’s nonsense repetitive events suddenly make perfect sense… I needed to be in this very place at this very moment to serve you! How wonderful is that?
GratitudeAs usual, I want to thank all of you, dear readers, who decided to stop by and give this piece some of your precious time!
Suppose we saw the term “people pleaser” as no more than a label others use when describing our behaviour. (Not who we really are note, just some of our actions.)
And suppose we mischievously asked some searching questions of that label – what it assumes people pleasing is caused by, for instance, and precisely what behaviours is it describing.
Should such a label be somewhat problematic, might such questioning make it less so?
Let’s find out.
____________________
Insecurity, low self-esteem, perfectionism, and the fear of rejection cause people pleasers to do what they do apparently.
- Mmmm – who’s never felt insecure? Doesn’t insecurity describe all of us?
As a young man and boy I would people please to minimise the chances of being beaten up. Apart from one occasion it worked. I think of it more of a survival strategy than an affliction.
- Low self-esteem, again, I bet you everyone has had times when this has affected them. But that was then, it isn’t now, is it?
I had a dad who expressed his love by continually pointing out what I hadn’t achieved, not what I had. It left me thinking I could never please him because I’m just not good enough. But that was then, it only comes alive for me now through memories, which I have some agency over whether I pay attention to them or not.
- Perfectionism – okay, okay, I know this can lead to chronic procrastination, but doesn’t it have an upside too?
Wanting to get things right, perfect even, so others can benefit from our work tells me someone cares. It’s only problematic when things never get done because of…
- ..The fear of rejection, which makes taking the doing-nothing-is-better-than-being-rejected option attractive. But need it be?
This is a big one for me. I was born with a club foot, a black eye (forceps) and was unable to sleep for months, which brought pressure on my parents’ marriage. Not what you’d call a little bundle of joy.
Family rifts over homosexuality, two divorces, a 24-year estrangement from my two daughters, and the suicides of friends and family can all trigger rejection memories. For large parts of my life, these led to bouts of depression.
As I’ve gotten older though, these have dwindled to a trickle, and only happen for short bursts of a few hours say, nothing like the months on an end as before.
Why?
I put it down to understanding that I am separate from the thoughts and memories that arise in my head, which were at the root of my low moods. When I realise I’m not my thoughts, the opportunity to interrupt them or not taken them too seriously arises, which simply could not have done when I was unaware of this.
Sure I still feel the fear from time to time, I just don’t dwell on the memories that create it and my tendency to catastrophise about the future which only makes it worse!
That’s why I’m writing this right here, right now. Several years ago the fear of rejection that might come from sharing this with you, would have left me in that chronic procrastination loop.
Having subjected the causes of people pleasing to a bit of scrutiny, let’s see how we might counter six specific behaviours it produces.
- You agree even when you disagree
What if you flipped this and disagreed with yourself on an issue you felt strongly about?
Take some really contentious issues – the existence of God, the legalisation of abortion, or capital punishment, for instance. See if you can put the case to yourself of those who take the opposite view to you.
Seeing the reasoned cases of both sides in a dispute or conflict helps you interrupt the automaticity of always agreeing with someone to get validation, say, or lower the fear of rejection, or any of the other causes mentioned above.
- You apologise too much
Would you rather be someone who never apologises or one who can do so readily when it’s called for?
Saying sorry can be a strength, so I encourage you to not be too hard on yourself here. Focus on what does and doesn’t need an apology and why. It’s this more-precise reasoning that will help you interrupt your automatic tendency to say sorry.
- You always have someone double-check your work
What if you reduced the number of times you asked for this to be done gradually – by 10% a week, say?
If you try this I encourage you to notice how more self-reliant you feel once your dependence on someone else reduces. They might appreciate having more time too.
- You are constantly burdened by other people’s feelings
Could understanding the idea of projection help you?
Before I delve into that, let me say I totally ‘get’ this burdensome feeling. When you’re concerned about another, especially a loved one, it’s very easy to feel the weight of that.
In psychology, there’s something called “projection.” It happens when we find a troubling emotion too difficult to handle, so we project it onto others via blame or simply sharing it. It’s a bit like passing a hot potato, we don’t want to get burnt so quickly pass it on.
Self-talk rooted in some of the causes above – insecurity, low self-esteem etc. – can innocently and understandably make you a great catcher of those projections! Realising that is sometimes all you need to bat the hot potatoes back or shield yourself from a few of them, or just not catch them at all!
It seems to me that ultimately, we’re each responsible for our own feelings. The best gift we have is to help others live peacefully with theirs.
- You rarely accept credit or praise
What if you treated yourself every Friday to small gifts?
Treats mark the progress you’re making in not taking the unhelpful thoughts, feelings and sensations, which arise automatically in you, so seriously. Progress such as speaking your own mind and not just responding in ways designed to please others.
Treats are a form of self-praise that, perhaps, haven’t occurred to you before, because, quite understandably, in order to survive and thrive, you’ve paid more attention to what others think of you. What’s it to be – chocolate? A long walk? An hour in silence? What else?
- You take the blame when it’s not yours
What if you didn’t blame yourself for taking the blame on others’ behalf?
Taking the blame can have sound reasoning behind it that serves you well now or in times gone by. Maybe it was a survival strategy where the calculation was – take the wrap for this so as to avoid bigger consequences if you didn’t. Taking the blame can also be motivated by wanting others to feel sorry for us, so that we earn their leniency, forgiveness, or favour.
If you’re a blame taker, even when it’s not yours to take, explore what happens when stop blaming yourself for it! Breaking this behaviour pattern begins by being kind to yourself. Zoom in on how blame-taking helped you once, before wondering whether it still does today in every situation you face.
Finally, let me share another way of looking at people pleasing in a workplace context.
For some years now I’ve been reflecting on what delivers real internal contentment to teams. It seems to me being of help to others is key to that. I don’t mean this in a customer’s-always-right kinda way, more that when we help teams listen to understand the wants and needs of those who depend on their work, and see what those they serve would ideally like, don’t get currently, new opportunities to help arise.
Providing what’s missing and being appreciated for it is another way of looking at pleasing people. One I find immensely satisfying personally, and when shared by my team, has a bit of a contagion effect. We all feel good together about the difference we’ve made.
To discover more please visit https://www.rogermartin.me/home
My first email on Tuesday, February 28, was Gary Foster’s newsletter (Making Aging Work), and, of course, it named some folks who are older – as I am – and still working, still kicking, still living large.
Gary mentioned Marc Freedman, CEO/founder of Encore.org (now called CoGenerate.org, and the idea of reimagining life after 60 to include some form of “work” … a time when many are looking forward to retiring from their work.
So, naturally, as I so often do, I looked for Marc on LI, saw others who had commented on his latest post, and look at their profiles and posts! (Yes, I am an LI junkie… I love diving down those “rabbit holes.”)
What I found is central to my life – that so many other early Boomers have NO plans to actually retire. They’ve found new ways to stay active, whether by helping others in nonprofits, starting their own business based on their love of something, or pivoting from what they used to do and making it work at this age.
For me, it was a wonderful trip, because I love seeing how my generation has continued to thrive in ways our parents rarely even considered.
A few years ago, I realized the power of showcasing the energy of us older folks, thanks to a young man (he’s young enough to be my grandson!) named Gustavo Zylberberg, who founded Vitalcy. I met him thanks to Dennis Pitocco, the Chief Reimaginator and Founder of 360o Nation and BizCatalyst 360o. Gustavo and those who write for Vitalcy celebrate those over 50 … over 60 … over whatever age used to be deemed “OLD” and not active any more.
And, no. I am NOT putting down anyone who does decide to retire – of course, even that word isn’t what it used to be, right? It can certainly include being very active in many ways.
I just love the choices that we now have.
At nearly 77, I can see the world through friends and colleagues on the internet, I can learn from folks everywhere on this small planet we all inhabit, I can help authors with their content, and I can enjoy the gift of getting up every morning with one or more projects to tackle that keep my mind alive. It’s a way of life that suits me to a T, and I’m grateful to be allowed to live it this way.
So for me, being old means looking back and feeling pure gratitude for the unknown man and woman who bequeathed me the genetics I have, for the wonderful man and woman who took me into their family and gave me love, and for all the family/friends/colleagues/strangers who have given/continue to give so much to me and others, leading the way towards a better life for us all.
I am grateful beyond measure that I’m alive to see all this happening!
For those reading this … I welcome your thoughts. What are YOUR plans as you continue to age? What will make your life even better than it is right now? How will you make that happen?
We talk about mental health journeys a whole lot around here. If you’re trying to make improvements in your life, it’s impossible to avoid talking about your journey. Whether you’ve journeyed for years, or just started out, it can be a challenge to determine what you want, where you’re headed, and how to get there. Your journey can start at any time, and it can happen in any order. We have wisdom for every step of the way.
Sometimes it’s the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination.
– Drake
Where Does My Mental Health Journey Start?Your journey doesn’t begin when you choose to. You’ve been going the distance ever since you learned how to walk. You’ll be journeying the rest of your life if you’re lucky. Your journey begins, as most stories do, in a place of comfort and monotony: the way things have always been.
When To Get To Work On Your Mental Health JourneySomething isn’t right. It might not be immediately apparent to everyone else, but there’s a part of you that desires constantly, and aches for change. Once you recognize your desire, you can begin figuring out what needs to change.
The Obstacles Of Your Mental Health JourneyJust because you’ve noticed something, that doesn’t mean you’re fully aware of it. Human beings are stubborn and fearful of change. In fact, humans are so stubborn that denial is an expected feature of any mental health journey. To fight through denial, you’ll need the right attitude, the right guidance, and the right guide.
Finding GuidanceThe easiest way to travel is when you’re with somebody who’s driven down this road before. That’s who your guide should be, someone who’s embarked on a journey of their own, and learned a lesson that you need to learn.
Taking The Plunge Once you’ve listened to the whisper, recognized your desires, and found your mentor, then it’s time to stand on the precipice of massive change! If you’ve ever done a high dive into a swimming pool, this is the moment where you stand on the diving board, looking down. The height can be intimidating. The process is prone to failure and likely to require multiple attempts to do it right. But your most valuable lessons are just beyond the surface of the water, if only you take the plunge and dive in.
Doing Things DifferentlyAfter you’ve committed to doing things differently, you can really start putting the lessons you’ve learned into practice. This can be difficult. You won’t be able to rely on your old ways of being and doing. It sounds counter-intuitive, but you’ll have to adjust to living the sort of life you wanted. Otherwise, you’ll be tempted to go back.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” – Haruki Murakami
Rising To The Challenge Of Your JourneyWhen we are learning, we are tested. If you went to college, you could attend as many lectures as you want, but you couldn’t graduate unless you were able to pass your exams. On your mental health journey, you’ll be similarly tested. You may have to face lessons that you desperately wished not to learn. But on the other side, you’ll come out having changed.
Having ChangedOnce you’ve gone through all of this, you’ll be a different person. One who’s fit to go on new and different journeys with equally new and different lessons. Once you’ve weathered your trials, and made it out on the other side, you can share your wisdom with others and help them along on their mental health journeys.
You can also, of course, embark on another journey.
Did you think we didn’t notice when he smashed your body and heart to pieces?
Did you think we didn’t notice as you waited by the window, hoping he would return, repent, give her up and lower his fists?
Did you think we didn’t notice the utter despair when you found the unpaid bills and empty bank accounts?
Did you think we didn’t notice the depths you had to go to, to find the courage to chase away the bailiffs, and the thugs and face the reality you had been left with?
Did you think we didn’t notice when the threats arrived and you incessantly checked the doors were locked and the kids were safe, lest those threats came true?
Did you think we didn’t notice when you shook with fear when the door went or the phone rang, but you answered them anyway, ready to fight your corner no matter what?
Did you think we didn’t notice when your hands were red from toil, your body weak from exhaustion, and your mind numb from pain?
Did you think we didn’t notice your shattering grief when the children cried for you, but you had no choice but to leave and work the double shift again, to keep a roof over your head and food on the table?
Did you think we didn’t notice the excruciating pain of betrayal when your love was taken, smashed, and then used to attack you, time and time again?
We noticed.
We noticed every single cut.
We noticed every single bruise.
We noticed every single humiliation.
We noticed every single sacrifice.
We noticed every single minute of grief.
We noticed the herculean amount of courage, fortitude, and resilience that you found when another failed you, your children, and themselves, beyond that which cannot be expressed by words alone.
But most of all, we noticed what a completely amazing human being you are.
These words are dedicated to every single survivor of physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse and one in particular who will remain nameless, but I do hope recognises herself in these words, inspired by and dedicated to her, always.
With so very much love
Nik x
The unique picture on the thumbnail below, as described by Terrilynn Renella:
This is after 37 radiation treatments plus hypothermia when they inserted the catheters for brachytherapy. It was so painful and in the months after that, I dealt with the worst pain of my life. The pain was unrelenting however I seldom used painkillers. I didn’t want to get addicted. I feel so blessed to be alive.
These are her own words. This is the epitome of courage! Terrilynn has literally faced her own mortality and has lived to share her story. Here are Terrilynn’s links: https://radicalremission.com/cancer-f…
Why do we take what others think, say, or do so personally? What is it about us and our belief system that interprets someone else’s actions (or inactions) as a judgement about us? When the boss rolls their eyes, we can see that they are discounting what is being said, yet when we take it personally, we may feel that WE have been discounted, not just the information we are sharing.
Most of us have learned or been trained to focus on the responses/reactions of others as a gauge of whether we are OK or not. If ‘they’ are not happy/satisfied/pleased, it must have been something we did, said, or something about us that created their dissatisfaction. We learned this through our training in an incomplete reward system. We only learned the first half of the reward system and not the second making it incomplete. When we did something that made others happy (sit up straight, say please and thank you, be nice to your brother, etc.), we were rewarded (smile, hug, lollipop, etc.). This had us learn that if we did what others wanted, we would (might) get what we want. And this is where it ended for most of us. We never got to the second half to internalize it so WE became our own internal reward system, and very few of our parents were able to show us how. No one taught them either. As a result, many of us learned, if others are not happy, somehow, it’s on us to make it better for them/make them happy.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to make others happy, yet unless it is something we are inspired to give, and give as a gift (without keeping score), we are actually seeking to change/soothe/control others in our attempts to get what we need from them (approval, acceptance, love, consideration). This pulls our attention away from ourselves and our own inner experience, and instead projects our attention outwards towards others and what they are saying/doing/wanting/rejecting instead. We use our energy to monitor how others feel and worry about what they think about us, instead of us considering how we feel about them. It’s time to bring our attention back to ourselves and realize that we are the ones that can give us what we need, and others are able to do the same for themselves. We so often mix them up.
When someone does or says something and we take it personally, we are making the situation about us, instead of just seeing it for what it is – the other person’s experience.
If we feel strong emotions and little choice in what they are saying, it is probably triggering our old well of feelings from our past that are ready to come up and out for healing completion and release. Often it is about how we think others see us vs. how we see ourselves. If we stopped caring how they saw us, and instead focused on how we see ourselves and on doing what feels best to us when we are with others, we would take our power back and allow others to do the same for themselves.
When we don’t need others to see us differently than we are, we stop caring what they think, and we can stop taking things personally. When we focus on taking care of what feels best to us, and let others do the same for themselves, we can stop taking things personally. Everyone is doing the best they can, and most of the time, what they are doing or not doing, has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with what is happening to them.
To make the shift, we can switch from making assumptions and coming to conclusions about WHY people are the way they are or what they are doing/saying, over to the facts of what is actually happening. When we don’t know, our ego wants to fill in the gap of not knowing with a story it’s familiar with from the past. The hardest thing for it to do is to ‘not know’ what is going to happen, or why something has happened, yet the reality is, most of the time we don’t know, and we unconsciously create a story to fill in the blank.
We have a choice about that story when we bring it to consciousness. For example, in our home life, we can unconsciously assume the worst-case scenario and accuse our teen of frazzling our nerves when they didn’t call in at the designated time, or we can acknowledge that we don’t know what’s happening to them, and text to check-in while giving them the benefit of the doubt that things are fine. At work, we can unconsciously tell ourselves that our admin support was taken away when support meetings are canceled on the calendar, or we can acknowledge we don’t know what happened, ask what has changed, and learn what the actual issue is (technology). When we make up a story when we don’t have the information and do it unconsciously, we set ourselves up for taking things personally. When we notice the story we are telling ourselves and shift it over to the facts, we are back at choice.
It’s only personal when we make it personal. Most of the time, what others are doing/saying/feeling isn’t even about us – even when they say it is. Many times we are simply the person they are projecting their own unresolved issues/pain onto. It’s OK to let others see/feel how they do, even when we disagree with it or have a very different experience. When we put ourselves in the center of their story and feel we are the reason, problem, or somehow responsible, we make something personal that often really isn’t. It is up to us to decide what is true for us and to use the facts and our own internal experience and discernment, not driven by our fear-based stories, or others’ projections, to fill in the gap of not knowing. It’s time to allow others to be responsible for meeting their own needs as we focus on being responsible for our own needs.
How will you de-personalize what others do or say today?
This episode explores the importance of being compassionate towards ourselves and others and why we need to start with ourselves first. When you learn to be compassionate towards yourself during challenging situations, showing kindness towards others becomes second nature.
Amanda Baughan, University of Washington
In the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic, I had an unfortunate Saturday routine. I would wake up in my studio apartment and immediately turn to my phone, telling myself that I would get breakfast after quickly checking Twitter. An hour or so later, I would look up and realize what time it was – and how ravenous I’d become. I had become totally absorbed in looking at memes, snark and the 24 hour news cycle.
This experience sparked an idea: What if, instead of people becoming “addicted” to social media – as users often characterize their excessive engagement – they’re actually dissociating, or becoming so engaged that they lose track of time?
I’ve researched people’s social media use for four years as a Ph.D. student at the University of Washington, and my collaborators and I decided to design a study to test this theory.
What is dissociation?Many researchers think dissociation occurs on a spectrum. On one end, there is the kind of dissociation that is spurred by trauma and associated with PTSD flashbacks. Then there are common, everyday experiences of dissociation, which involve attention being limited to a narrow range of experience. Everyday dissociation can be passive or active. Spontaneous daydreaming is a form of passive dissociation, while reading a book is an example of active dissociation. In both cases, you can become so immersed in a fantasy or story that time falls away and you lose track of your surroundings. You might not be able to hear someone calling your name from another room.
Dissociation is part of healthy cognitive functioning, as mind-wandering helps you learn, and combating stress though deeply engaging in hobbies can boost your mood.
Dissociation is a process that is defined by focused attention that leads to a reduced sense of the passage of time and reduced self-awareness.
Amanda Baughan, CC BYWhat does dissociation look like online?When online, however, dissociation can reflect zombie-like behavior – scrolling for hours without realizing it, not being aware to one’s surroundings while scrolling, or scrolling on autopilot and then realizing you haven’t actually paid any attention to what you’ve read. Have you ever seen someone so absorbed in their phone that they start walking across a street, oblivious to oncoming traffic? They’re likely dissociating.
Typically, behavior like this is classified as smartphone or internet addiction.
However, researchers have begun to push back against the narrative of addiction to describe excessive smartphone use, explaining that the behavior – even if it’s a source of distress – should not be considered addiction if it’s better explained by an underlying disorder, is a willful choice, or is part of a coping strategy.
I am of the belief that choosing to play Candy Crush for three hours a day is not necessarily “addiction.” I do, however, think that the complete disconnect people experience from their surroundings and sense of time passing is an interesting phenomenon to explore. Therefore, I wanted to understand if people are dissociating during their phone use.
In our study, we recruited volunteers to use a custom mobile app alternative to Twitter, called Chirp. Forty-three people used Chirp for four weeks, cycling through four different design interventions, coupled with in-app surveys. We then selected 11 of them to interview about the experience.
We found dissociation occurred in nearly half of our participants, and they often expressed a sense of disappointment afterwards, saying that they would have rather have engaged in a different activity with the amount of time they had spent online. However, some said their time on social media was meaningful to them, and the fact that they were connecting with real people was valuable, even as they dissociated.
Cultivating online agencyUnderstanding social media overuse as a byproduct of dissociation, rather than addiction, can help destigmatize social media use while empowering users. This framing also helps explain why social media sits in a paradoxical position: people have frustrating relationships with social media platforms that they are simultaneously unwilling to quit.
Seeking escape from the present moment through deep absorption – including absorption in social media – is a natural, common, and often beneficial thing to do. However, when users spend much more time dissociating online than they would have consciously chosen for themselves, they become frustrated and conflicted. And many social media platforms exploit this tendency by keeping people “on the hunt” for new content through algorithmic design.
This suggests that it is possible for users to have healthy and satisfying relationships with social media – even when dissociating is involved – if the platforms can also help their users disengage.
How design can reduce dissociationIn our study, we deployed several interventions to help pause or reduce dissociation while scrolling on Chirp. One intervention that was particularly effective was requiring our participants to sort their content into lists by topic – say, news, sports and reality TV – rather than having all subjects appear as an avalanche of information on one main feed. People could then click different tabs to view their lists. We found that many users would only scroll through one or two tabs before exiting the app.
We paired this intervention with a “reading history” label that informed our users when they were “all caught up” with previously viewed tweets. Participants said that this helped them feel more in control and less likely to lose track of time.
Of course, many current social media companies, such as TikTok, rely on algorithmically-determined, constantly updating content. Similarly, on Instagram and Twitter, popular and trending content gets inserted into a feed of followed content. This makes it impossible to ever get “all caught up.”
In these cases, past research shows that many people would appreciate reminders to log off before 30 minutes of use. Otherwise they become disappointed with the time they’ve spent. These reminders could be inserted into regular content, which is something TikTok already does.
Users can do this for themselves by becoming familiar with the suite of digital well-being tools at their disposal. Viewing usage page statistics and setting timeouts is already available across many sites, although many of these settings are turned off by default.
However when more people use these tools, it signals to the companies that they should continue to invest time and resources into developing them.
Amanda Baughan, PhD Student in Computer Science & Engineering, University of Washington
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
Chronic stress can make you sick.I think we are at a point where most people would agree with that statement. Another way of saying that statement is; We can make ourselves sick.
Because it is not the outside events or our interactions with the world that are causing the majority of stress in our modern lives but the way we interpret and respond to them.
I am re-reading an amazing book called Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers by Robert Sapolsky which talks about the science behind our stress response and it goes into detail about the chemical responses and physiological actions that take place within our bodies in response to stress.
This book also talks a lot about how the systems within us that respond to stress are based on our ancestral need to survive in a more aggressive world and not so much needed to deal with our perceived stressors in our modern daily life.
The statement that we can make ourselves sick ( I think we all have heard the comment, “I worried myself sick about…”) is one that modern science has shined a large light on in the past few decades and is now widely understood and accepted.
The flip side to that coin, which has not received as much acceptance yet, is that we can also make ourselves well/keep ourselves healthy.
Before I go any further with this section let me say that this information or the work that I do is “not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.”
There has been tremendous amounts of work done in the field of Body/Mind science that has shown how this works. The work continues on and the field is always expanding as modern science catches up with and finds explanations for work that has been around for centuries.
If you looked at a large portion of the prescription medications that are prescribed you would see that they mimic chemicals that our bodies already make. When there is an imbalance in our systems then we do not make either enough of the chemical, too much of another chemical or it doesn’t “arrive” at the correct time in our systems. This is, of course, an oversimplification of a very complicated subject but it is for the sake of overview.
By relieving our stress we can remove a lot of the issues that are showing up in our systems in negative ways.
We can do that through several different modalities. We can work to change our reaction/interaction with the outside world so we do not see danger where it may not be.
We can also do things such as meditation and other processes that help calm our nervous system and allow it to operate in a way that supports our lives in a positive and safe way.
The majority of the work I do in this area is based on working with the unconscious mind and clearing patterns (negative emotions, Limiting decisions/beliefs) from the past that are causing the client to have reactions to their world that are showing up as stress and anxiety. Two of the biggest contributors to making us sick and unhealthy.
There is deeper work going on that looks into how our past significant emotional events show up in different negative ways in our bodies later in life. I will let that work speak for itself.
This article is not to speak negatively about modern allopathic medicine practices or pharmacology. They do amazing things for our world, including helping to extend our life expectancy and saving many lives every day.
My goal is to share that there are other ways for all of us to live a healthy and long life.
If you are interested in learning more about any of these processes, please reach out and I would enjoy discussing them with you.
I am including the titles of several books that I recommend reading that I have found to shine a bright light on these practices and explain how they can help all of us live happier and healthier lives. They range from the very scientific to the more esoteric so you can find what fits best with your interests.
You may notice several of the titles mention “healing”.
Healing is not curing.
Healing is about re-establishing a lost connection and I will save that discussion for another article.
- Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers?- Robert Sapolsky
- The psychobiology of Mind-Body Healing – Ernest Rossi
- Why am I sick?– Robert Flook
- Healing and the Mind– Bill Moyers
- Quantum Healing– Deepak Chopra
- You can heal your life– Louise Hay
Gratitude became an integral part of my life more than 10 years ago. When I began a daily practice of self-reflection and self-love. It began at a time when life was overwhelmingly stressful. It was taking a physical, emotional, and mental toll on my body. And my body was at a literal breaking point. On one of my darkest days, I reflected through inspiration. Wayne Dyer once said, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” And this began a premise of reflection, gratitude, and self-love that led me through some of the most difficult challenges of my life.
But at the point of overwhelm, my life was filled with challenges and obstacles. And I had to learn over time to find the blessing and lesson in each situation. It all began when my children were 3 and 6 years old. My husband was traveling. I was a full-time mom and Emergency room nurse. And I had been suffering from Chronic pain, Migraines, and severe IBS. One day as I drove home from my shift exhausted, with a foggy mind, migraine, and nausea, my kids were excited to share but I simply couldn’t give anymore. I was always excited to listen to them but that day, I just couldn’t take anything on. My oldest became a caregiver and babysitter that day. He took on a role that I never would have asked him to because I was always doing everything for them and the world around me.
But on that day, I couldn’t function as a person, much less as a mom. As I lay on the couch watching the world spin and hoping my pain would resolve, he took charge. He checked on me and brought me everything I needed. He had been watching me over time. He knew the things that made me feel better. And he brought them like a little man. He made me Gatorade. He covered me with blankets. He gave me an ice pack for my head. And even with all that, he cared for his 3-year-old brother. He entertained him, talked to him, played with him, fed him, and kept him away from me so I could rest. And when the fog settled and my body returned to normal, I vowed that my children would never deal with that version of me again. I vowed to find the root cause of my illness and lead a healthier lifestyle. On the path, I found my way out of chronic pain, headaches, and digestive issues.
The journey led me to a deeper understanding of trauma and its impact on the body. I learned along the way after seeing a geneticist that I had a genetic condition called Ehler Danlos Syndrome. It turned out to be a condition that finally put all my medical diagnoses into perspective. And the doctor proceeded to tell me my healthy lifestyle was the best course of action to deal with such a debilitating disease. I was grateful to know that I had an answer to my overwhelming variety of symptoms. And it began to pave the way to healing that would take me to my darkest place and back again.
But gratitude and reflection propelled me through each challenge to unveil a new layer of healing. Now 10 years later, I know that changing my perspective and looking at my life differently brought to light the path to take each step of the way. And gratitude got me through the stages easier. A few months ago my oldest told me he admired me because I was fierce and didn’t take no for an answer. That day brought tears to my eyes because I had never seen myself as fierce, rather I thought of myself as fearful and scared. Again it took time of reflection and gratitude to realize that he was right. I had gone on a journey from debilitating pain to healing and found my purpose along the way. And had I not had the fierce attitude hiding inside me I never would have become the mom who went from victim to warrior. And along the way, he forgot all the pain I had lived and only sees me as the woman I became. So I am grateful for each step of this journey that helped me find the fierce woman that was hiding in the overwhelm.
So remember, life is filled with challenges and obstacles, after all, that is part of the human experience. We need to fall apart to put ourselves back together. We need to struggle to find our way. We need to learn to grow.
But with gratitude, self-love, and reflection you will enhance your journey to your final destination. So I invite you to practice this as often as possible and notice the way your life changes as you begin to change the way you look at things. So here are two daily practices that will fill your day with hope, joy and gratitude and begin a journey to self-love.
Visualize Your Perfect DayListen to a meditation that will help you visualize your day unfolding perfectly. Where each beautiful moment unravels exactly as you desire. And day by day this practice will help you manifest the life you desire. The secret is it doesn’t come in an instant. The more you practice self-love and visualize it coming true the easier the journey becomes.
Reflection through GratitudeClear your mind and calm your body Reflection- sit outdoors and allow your senses to tap into nature. Hear the birds. Feel the breeze. Sense the touch of the sun. And once you are relaxed, visualize your day from beginning to end. Notice the happy moments and tap into them. Sit with those happy moments and notice the things that brought you joy. The smile on your son’s face when he told you a story. Reflect on the way it made you feel. Notice sensations. Let yourself smile. Allow the love to grow in your heart. And repeat that with every happy moment in the day. Then briefly revisit the stressful moments. And as you are in those moments. Remember that every situation has a blessing and a lesson. And notice if you learned something from that moment. Maybe it was a text message that made you upset. Notice you had a choice to let it fester or let it go. And even if you let it fester, you learned you had the option to let it go next time. Then recenter yourself again with your breath. Feel the sensations around you. Notice the breeze, the sun, the wind, etc. And think of someone you are grateful for. Someone that was part of your life today that really made today special. And as you feel the love grow in your heart. Send them some love. Imagine them in your mind and allow yourself to see them receiving love and feeling great. And notice the way life begins to change when you allow yourself to slow down and reflect through self-love.
In this rip-roaring interview with Mark Reid, we discuss the gentle art of traditional Japanese papermaking, Zen and podcasting, and just a tiny dose of global politics. Mark Reid is an American ex-corporate lawyer who moved to Japan in pursuit of a more ethical lifestyle, having studied philosophy and ethics and been a teacher. He now specialising in the ancient art of making traditional Japanese paper (washi) and podcasting via his channel Zen Sammich.
During the interview, we stumbled over some important learnings:
- Zen must not be confined to monastery retreats. It must be available to all and a key starting point is about living in the present rather than in the past.
- Make love, not war, make paper, and make ethics more popular than populist politics.
- We do well when we don’t dwell on things we regret or have failed. As per the SUMO (shut up, move on) method:
- Shut Up – Try not to ruminate on your inner dialogue
- (Learn from it) It – Not really part of SUMO but implied I’m sure. Without learning from mistakes we are doomed to repeat them.
- Move On – Live in the present with the learnings acquired from the past
Check Mark’s interview out below:
Featured image credit Tomomarusan, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons
I get it. We, humans, are hardwired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Our lifetime of conditioning doesn’t help control our primitive survival instincts.
How come?It seems to me that when we are conditioned to be obedient and follow the Notebook, our self-awareness endowment — we were granted among other gifts — starts to shrink. A direct result is altering our emotional intelligence’s healthy development which requires maintaining the synergy between our left (logical) and right (emotional) brains.
When we fail to regulate our emotions, we give power to our primitive brain: we avoid pain and seek pleasure. We distract ourselves and numb our emotions.
No surprise we, humans, are the most horrible consumers in the history of our beautiful blue planet.
For someone like the former me who suffered from Imposter Syndrome — among many other mental health issues including CPTDS and a Savior pattern, I extracted tons of pleasure from achieving. I was a workaholic. So, again, I get it. If I hadn’t been harshly abused by a malignant narcissist four years ago to the point of deciding to commit suicide before being saved at the very last moment, I would have still been coping.
You don’t need to reach an extreme point of no return like in my case, in all likelihood — at least, I don’t wish it for anyone.
There might be different circumstances that would feel challenging beyond your bearable level of enduring pain and motivate your commitment to change yourself: the only thing you can control anyway.
When your spirit awakens and your soul can’t take any more insults from the way you are treating yourself, you can be sure that you will persist no matter how painful the inner work is.
If no major trauma takes place in your current physical existence, you may go on with your life, avoiding pain and seeking pleasure, and that’s okay as long as you are content.
The cure for pain is in the pain.
— Rumi
I wish I could tell you there was another way. But don’t take my words for granted. Do your research. Befriend ancient life philosophies and educate yourself psychologically. Then let me know what you found. Deal?
Pain is the purifier. Love pain. Embrace pain.
— Percy Cerutty
Think of diamonds. They are formed when concentrations of pure carbon known as graphite are subjected to a pressure exceeding 725,000 pounds per square inch and temperatures above 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit.
On a side note, when some people look at the numerous scars spread all over my body, get indignant, and ask, “why don’t you do anything about them?”, I smile before adding, “those are my cherished diamonds!”
Pain is sometimes the cost of a meaningful existence. I can handle that.
— Jeb Dickerson
I would have been skeptical, should I have read the above sentence before my OBE and later becoming a fur Momma and a stray animal kids’ fierce and fearless advocate. I grieve very frequently and will trade it for nothing in the world. When you love unconditionally, you pay the price. You know that pain will be a frequent visitor and you decide to welcome it with open arms.
Last wordsIf I didn’t almost kill myself before having an OBE, I wouldn’t have seriously and wholeheartedly committed to a self-transformation, in all likelihood. The pain of rewiring my program — no matter how seemingly unbearable it could be — is much less than what a suicidal person feels at any moment, and particularly during the darkest phases.
We are not to be blamed for our conditioning and/or traumas by-products. When our pain is not intolerable, we may keep ourselves in the victim’s box and keep running away from it. Nobody has the right to shame us for that.
A wiser choice, though, is to realize that we are responsible for our mental health. Also, we need to take it seriously as if our very existence depended on it because, in many cases, it does. I am one living proof.
That’s when we move from being a victim to victorious!
GratitudeAs usual, I want to thank all of you, dear readers, who decided to stop by and give this piece some of your precious time!
I recently released many belongings I love, got in my vehicle, and drove away from the most beautiful place I have ever lived. As Mary Oliver states; “one day you finally knew what you had to do” in her brilliant poem, The Journey. Living my version of this poem, I spent a week packing, driving items to donations, going to the post office to close my post office box, and filling out the change of address form with the address of a willing friend. I knew two friends generously willing to have me stay with them while I reset my life. I drove in tandem with a friend driving his mini-van filled with only the most essential of my belongings. We left in the dark of an early morning with the threat of a winter storm arriving in two hours to the area. I cannot remember the last time I drove in such difficult driving conditions of unrelenting rain, pea soup fog, and near-freezing temperatures. Yet thankfully we crossed into Ohio as sunshine and blue skies showed themselves in all their gloriousness, a lovely welcome, a huge relief. We arrived safely at my friend’s place.
I consciously chose to exit without knowing where I would ultimately land. I surrendered to the intuitive clarity of now is the time!! Trusting myself and the idea that the universe has my back along with kind, loving people, I knew I would be supported. I would not journey alone. Initiating a leap of faith is an act of courage.
Sometimes it takes many small steps, and failed attempts before finally vaulting over the pole or crossing the finish line.
I had two previous experiences of unsuccessful attempts to extricate myself from the unhealthy relationship. The first time, the starry-eyed romantic part of me grabbed a hold of the steering wheel after some kind texts and meaningful, laughter-filled phone calls took place. The second time I felt too much fear yet took many important actions including donating many belongings, transferring the utilities, booking a moving van, and gathering remaining belongings into my bedroom and office. I didn’t like how much fear I felt in my body and how this got fueled by a very protective friend who can be fierce, and angrily directive when she believes I’m in a dangerous situation, which many parts of me didn’t believe I was. Additionally, I felt stubbornly attached to the beauty of the place I lived. Almost five years of living in what I declared as my soul’s home rooted me in the sacredness of the mountains, the lake where I ran, and the friendships I had cultivated. I wasn’t ready and a bit of the honeymoon feeling returned to the relationship during the holiday season, just enough to fool the ever-hopeful, optimistic parts of me. Plus, the thought of breaking up right before the holidays and winter began seemed completely unpalatable.
Hard truths appeared irrefutable in their crystal, fist-slamming clarity immediately after Christmas in episodes that increased in number and intensity. Fresh red flags layered on top of the brittle, dried-up red flags of past episodes. Even as I watched myself become ever gentler and more compassionate in my responses, I also realized I would not ever want my daughter or best friend to endure what I had been enduring. The end had arrived. I knew what I had to do.
Some significant life choices and pivot moments happen because you choose them and fuel them. These moments of upending your life can be unnerving and invigorating.
When you make the conscious choice to go, to leave the job you cannot stand, to leave a relationship that sucks your life energy and fries your nervous system, to exit a restaurant that does not serve any food you can eat, to not wear pencil skirts because they imprison your legs, you hold the steering wheel of your life energy. You become the catalyst for your own growth. You become the cause and source of the change you have taken. Rather than waiting for the cracked wall to come tumbling down and then feeling victimized by a wall falling on your head, you can boldly and bravely exit the building.
Of the three important principles in feng shui, the principle of the energy in everything is changing creates the dynamic fuel for growth, evolution, and transformations. The inner work remains essential to this process for you need strong guts, clarity, and courage to live true to yourself and your passions. When you begin to tell the truth or alternatively stop lying to yourself and others, you initiate a transformative process. People in your life will likely push back and may even loathe your choice to free yourself, to make a significant change in your life. Others will see your light begin to shine brighter and be inspired to climb out of their own darkness and shine.
Our homes are not static spaces but rather living, breathing, dynamic spaces for our lives to be supported by who we are becoming, and how we are growing and evolving. Releasing furniture, artwork, books, and collections of pet rocks you no longer love, need, or use can ultimately transform your experience of being alive. Letting go of relationships, moving away from a place you love, and shedding limiting beliefs that keep you suffering, frees you to live with greater integrity, from your deepest-held values, and newly discovered passions. Feng shui invites you to both embrace change and be a catalyst for change. You are not who you were yesterday or when you were nine years old. Feng shui offers you a bright yellow permission slip to differentiate, mature, reclaim your childlike wonder, and joyfully soar in a world of possibility and creative dynamism. May you know you are brave in your ability to fuel change in your home and life.
When a psychologist who studies well-being ends up with a brain tumor, what happens when she puts her own research into practice? Christina Costa goes beyond the “fight” narrative of cancer — or any formidable personal journey — to highlight the brain benefits of an empowering alternative to fostering resilience in the face of unexpected challenges: gratitude.
The secret is to surround yourself with people who make your heart smile. It’s then, only then, that you’ll find Wonderland.
Lize Venter speaks of her lost innocence through abuse that cast a dark line through her childhood, causing fear and nightmares. She shares her current life filled with the love of her family and the many animals who are part of that family, as she urges viewers to surround themselves with those who bring out the best in them, the ones who help them to bloom. “It’s like a mental shift to look for treasures and to look for Wonderland.” Trigger warning: this film contains references to sexual abuse which may be triggering to some viewers. If you have been affected by a similar issue and you need someone to talk to, please reach out to an organization or individual near you for help.
Perhaps this comes as a surprise to some, but humans tend to be messy, complicated creatures, and by extension, that likely applies to the majority of us reading this article. As much as we may like to typecast, assume, stereotype, or quickly judge people, chances are that if we actually spend some time getting to know one another, we will recognize dimensions of each other’s personality or character that perhaps were not so obvious upon first impression or our initial interactions.
That can be a very positive thing, but it also can be fraught with unknowns and sometimes revelations that we may not look upon favorably. Being able to “read” people is a skill that may be innate in some, but for others is only learned through hard-won lessons and sometimes disappointing or even bitter experiences.
That said, I’ve always personally gravitated towards people with a certain “richness of character,” who are multi-faceted (or at least give the appearance of being so), oftentimes iconoclastic in their own way, and more inclined to think for themselves rather than follow the herd. While this can be rewarding in terms of our interactions, it can lead at times to miscommunication, misunderstandings, or simply disagreements when either party stubbornly clings to a particular point of view.
Sometimes we have to make peace not only with the contradictions within ourselves but with others as well.
Separating our Wants vs. Our NeedsThe Rolling Stones famously coined the lyric, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you’ll find you get what you need.”
We can expend tremendous time and energy in pursuit of people and things that we want or have convinced ourselves that we want. With that in mind, it arguably is a good idea to give some thought to what we think we want and to be clear if this is truly the case, or if we are simply seeking a relationship with someone or possession of something for external validation. If we are completely honest with ourselves, how often have we found ourselves pursuing a relationship with someone, or a particular job because we thought that if we landed the relationship or the job, our lives would measurably be better? If we were successful in the pursuit, is this in fact what happened?
All too often, the things we want may fill a temporary desire or be motivated by factors that have less to do with well-thought-out requirements or necessities and more to do with outside influences. They may temporarily improve our quality of life or our perception thereof, but ultimately they are not indispensable. And consequently, we find ourselves disappointed or disillusioned in short order.
Needs, of course, are more basic and arguably less subjective, adhering to the Maslow Hierarchy and required for our continued existence. Without them, we either cannot live or will face serious challenges in attempting to do so. We need oxygen, we need water, we need food, we need sleep. Arguably, we need human contact as well and a sense that we are valued and that our lives somehow matter, at least to another living being. Some people are even content with keeping pets, perhaps preferring the company of animals to their fellow humans. Ultimately it boils down to love and acceptance because only a true misanthrope is capable of completely rejecting love from another.
Aligning our Values and Being True to OurselvesA perennial evergreen topic across social media channels it often seems are discussions about “authenticity,” which ironically enough, often deteriorate into something “other than,” in part due to the reality that social media is always curated. With rare exceptions, people reveal what they want to at a time and place of their choosing, whether that choice is consciously made or not. It has been my observation that those who pontificate about being “authentic” are oftentimes guilty of manufacturing what I sardonically refer to as “inauthentic authenticity” or, in other words, a flimsy facsimile of a narrative that they are trying to convey.
From my point of view at least, there is something decidedly unnatural and calculated about living one’s life very publicly and constantly broadcasting one’s activities and thoughts over social media. This invariably seems to add additional stress to one’s life and pressure to maintain a constant presence and online visibility and to consistently appeal to voyeuristic audiences. To each their own, but I’d rather remain something of an enigma or relatively unknown than subject myself to the judgment of those who don’t even know me.
That said, it would be hypocritical not to admit that I am often quite guarded in how I interact with people online and the information that I’m willing to share, at least publicly. This is for both pragmatic reasons and privacy, to whatever extent that still can exist, wanting to maintain some separation between career and personal life. Perhaps it is also a generational notion of not wanting to live my life online and not seeking approval or approbation from strangers.
No matter our personal philosophy, if we are attempting to live authentically, we do need to understand our core values and align them with our behaviors and the people and places that we associate with. And that ultimately brings us full circle, because life is indeed oftentimes messy, people are complex, and we all can find ourselves wrestling with not just our own contradictions arising from such complexities, but those of people we are drawn to and choose to spend time with.
I’m traveling to Las Vegas this week after a week traveling to New York. Being on the road, away from home, and out of my usual routine requires me to pay more attention to my daily practices and way of being. It made me think of how important and yet simple it can be to live life consciously and enhance our experience of life.
Living a conscious life doesn’t have to be complicated or overwhelming. In fact, it’s the simple things we do every day that can make the biggest difference. By being mindful of our thoughts, actions, relationships, and behavior, we can bring alignment with our values and purpose. Doing so creates a life that is more meaningful and fulfilling.
Here are five simple, easy ways to live life more consciously, thereby helping to bring greater meaning and peace into your days.
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Start your day with intention.Take a few moments each morning to set your intentions for the day. When you start your day with intention, you are setting the tone for the rest of your day and aligning yourself with your values and goals.
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What do you want to accomplish?
- How do you want to feel?
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What kind of person do you want to be?
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Practice mindfulness.Mindfulness is the act of being present and fully engaged at the moment…observe your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings without judgment.
You can practice mindfulness every moment of your day. Feel the chair underneath you. Take a conscious breath. Hear your tone of voice. Feel the warm water on your hands as you rinse off dishes. When you are mindful, you are more centered and relaxed and therefore more able to make conscious choices aligned with who you want to be.
- Connect with nature.I walk my dog, Zozo, every day through a nature preserve. Nature grounds us and helps us to feel connected to something greater than ourselves.
Go for a walk in the park, or simply sit outside and take in the beauty of the world around you. Therapists in Europe often prescribe “Nature Therapy” due to the healing, and restorative benefits of being outdoors. When you are in nature, you are reminded of the wonder and beauty of life, and this can inspire you to live more consciously.
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Practice self-reflection.I start every day with “quiet time.” This is my time to meditate, pray, review my goals, set my daily intentions, and examine my thoughts, feelings, and actions. Engage in a practice such as journaling, meditation, or simply taking a few moments each day to reflect on your experiences and mood. By engaging in regular self-reflection, you can gain insight into your patterns of thinking and behavior, and make conscious choices that align with your values and goals.
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Know your values.One of the best ways to live consciously is to know yourself deeply. Reflect on and determine what 5 to 10 values you want to be your guiding principles in life, and then do all you can to live aligned with these values in all you do and say. Easier said than done, but I promise you, you will like yourself a whole lot more and feel better about your life.
Living a conscious life is about being present, aware, and intentional in everything you do. It’s about connecting with your values and making choices that align with them.
By practicing these tips, you can live a life that is more meaningful, fulfilling, and inspiring. Remember, the power of living consciously lies in the present moment, so embrace it and make the most of it.
I want you to take a moment to imagine yourself in the mirror.Look at yourself as you would look at a dear friend whom you have known your entire life. Feel the love and respect you feel towards them. Feel your kindness, compassion, and understanding for them, regardless of life circumstances.
Feel the empathy as you feel their heartache and pain, but can you encourage them to persevere and take a moment to celebrate their accomplishments and the wisdom they have acquired due to life experiences?
This week I want you to cultivate this love and kind relationship with that person in the mirror. Notice with curiosity and non-judgment if it is easy or difficult to do. Explore how you can encourage yourself to show self-compassion, kindness, and love towards yourself.
Remember, you are much bigger than the worst thing you have done. You should not be critical and harsh to someone you care for and love.
Why are you any different?
When you learn, Teach. When you get, Give
~ Maya Angelou
Maya Angelou, raised by her grandmother who had the greatest influence on her life, learned how to accept the environment of poverty and abuse she was brought up in. After being raped by her mother’s boyfriend, she withdrew from the world, becoming mute for many years.
It was her grandmother who would take her under her loving wing and bring her back to life with her love of literature and teach her how to be fearless. Do not fear what has already happened, she would tell her, but rather find a way to turn your experience into something useful to give back to the world.
Not everyone is beautiful, smart, funny, or rich and successful, whatever your definition of that is, but everyone is as unique as their fingerprint and has something of great value to share with the world.
For instance, children born into poverty tend to be at a higher risk of neglect and abuse, developing chronic health issues due to their circumstances and all the social stigmas associated with being poor.
But they also learn very valuable lessons in survival and humility. We all struggle at one time or another in our lives, and those born into struggle have a great deal to teach us about being vulnerable enough to ask for help when we need it, and not to be so attached to the material things in life.
We create more pain by comparing ourselves to others when we perceive them as having more than we do, rather than appreciating our own situation and the little things we tend to take for granted. When you don’t have much, you learn to appreciate what little you do have and take good care of it. Most importantly, loving and appreciating those who have stepped up to help and support you along the way.
We all remember that fateful moment in “It’s a Wonderful Life,” when George Bailey, a thoughtful Savings and Loan manager in the small town of Bedford Falls, experiences a huge financial crisis when his elderly Uncle Billy misplaces a sizable deposit George sent him to the bank with, which ends up being found and stolen by the greedy bank manager Mr. Potter. What a jerk!
Terribly depressed and fueled by a night of heavy drinking, poor George feels he has failed himself, his family, and his community, crying out he wishes he was never born. Just as he is about to jump from a bridge into the icy water below, his guardian angel, Clarence, appears to show him just what his little community would have looked like had he never been born.
For one thing, his brother Harry, who George always felt was more successful than he because Harry was able to get out of the small town and fulfill his dreams, would not have survived childhood had George not been there to save him from drowning in an icy pond. Fortunately, Clarence showed up in the nick of time to pull George back from the brink. A ‘fairy tale’ ending for sure.
But life is not a fairy tale, and we don’t always notice when those ‘Clarence’ moments come to teach us something valuable. For me, one of the most powerful moments had been the passing of my father, and the months leading up to it while I was caring for his needs and still trying to run a business.
Eventually, I had to put my life on hold and tend solely to him. By the time he passed, I was completely exhausted, depressed, and quite frankly, not motivated or even interested in coming back to life.
I knew I would have to begin seeing clients again, but I really didn’t want to. I was so emotionally drained, I thought I had nothing left to give. But I knew these folks had been waiting patiently in the wings for a long time for me to return. I had to dig deep into the well and find a way to resurface. My first client was the last one I saw before I took time off.
I walked into my office and leaned over her on the massage table. The moment our eyes meet she bursts into tears. “I missed you!”
I feel a surge of pain rush straight through my heart and lodge itself in the back of my throat. It is choking me BACK to life…if there is such a thing. It was my ‘George Bailey’ moment, and this young lady was my Clarence.
“Oh, I’m sorry hon!” I lean in to give her a big hug. “I gave your mom the name of another therapist for you while I was away.”
She looks me square in the eye, “I don’t want another therapist, I want you.”
She is one of my sickest patients, and very much in need of regular physical therapy. I knew if she had not been receiving therapy for the last several months, she must have been in terrible pain. The emotions that flooded me in that moment were so strong I could barely catch my breath. They had to be that powerful to get my heart beating again. I felt so much love for her in that moment, it jolted me back to life.
I was suddenly overcome with gratitude for being in a position of helping to ease the suffering of others. I can honestly say that I love who I am and love what I do. I always saw myself as someone playing the role of helping others.
In doing so, it has provided me with a unique perspective on the obstacles that occur in my own life that I once found challenging to overcome and given me a deeper understanding and appreciation for those whose struggles far outweigh my own.
Rather than seeing life as a series of events that happen TO me, I now reflect on them as opportunities happening FOR me in terms of growing into and recognizing the gifts I have to share.
Knowing how something is, is not the same as knowing how something ‘feels.’ This must be what it’s like when the doctor reaches into your chest and holds your heart in their hands…caressing it, squeezing it, and coaxing it back to life.
A sudden gasp of air and you are breathing again, like being slapped on the ass the moment you are born. These are the moments of impact that bring us to life. None of which are possible without the power of love.
Teach them LOVE …
We are now in a new lunar year —the year of the water rabbit. It is yin rather than the full-on yang year we had in 2022. This means that the energies tend to be more gentle and there is a call for more reflection rather than trying to make things happen. For many, last year will have brought up stuff for you to heal and 2023 is really about giving yourself the space and possibly investing in the support to do that. To help, I will go deeper into some of the key themes of the water rabbit year via a series of articles. For this first one let’s unpack the quotation:
I believe truth is revolutionary; it’s part of the work of fierce love.
~Jacqui Lewis
Consider this question: how often do I avoid sharing my truth?
Be honest. It’s probably more often than you realise and there will be many reasons why you do it. If we consider the current energy of the year, the essence of water can be summed up with the following question: is it safe?
Many people have a fear often at the unconscious level that if they tell their truth it will be rejected and/ or it might cause conflict. For others, there may be the fear that they will lose a friend and so they keep silent. And in really challenging situations many practise the avoidance leadership style.
In these circumstances, the individual drops the other person or the activity. Initially, this makes it a lot easier because you don’t have to deal with that person or their energy. The reality is somewhat different so let me explain why.
We see the world not as it is but as we are.You have somewhere around 12,000 and 60,000 thoughts a day! And often you are not conscious of them, and yet thoughts take on form. The pain you experience is when something happens and you decide whether that’s a good or a bad thing. The ideal is to be completely detached from what is happening on this earth plane adopting the Taoist principle that it is what it is. As soon as you connect a positive or negative feeling to a thought it has an impact on you and those around you. The first step to changing this is to realise that you have no neutral thoughts.
Why avoiding an issue does not work?Avoidance seems like an effective strategy. Perhaps you have decided to step back from a relationship where you feel conflicted. It may feel easier but in effect what you have done is close your heart to that person and quite possibly gone into judgement about them or their activity. There will be heaviness and it’s as if your energy has a smell so if you come into that other person’s orbit they will realise straight away that the relationship is out of alignment. Effectively what you are doing is carrying unprocessed emotions around and at some point, they will leak and quite possibly on someone you care deeply about. More than that whatever you are doing to another you are doing to yourself. In this case, giving someone a wide berth is akin to cancelling out a part of you. I say this because we are all one; there is no separation.
What is the cost to you?I expect if you asked anyone they would say they would like a miracle. They may not use that word. Rather they might say they want a better job, a warmer relationship with a loved one. You have the power to have all or any of that if you clean up your thoughts.
Miracles are in fact naturally occurring events that come out of love. Let me give you an example. A shopkeeper is worried because he is not selling enough stuff to make a decent living. Stuck in his concerns, he often appears preoccupied to customers and distanced from them. They do not enjoy the way he appears and so they start avoiding his store and taking their business elsewhere. The shopkeeper’s moodiness has impact on others and so his fears of lack become real as his way of being drives away existing and ultimately potential customers.
The so what factorLiving as if love is the only thing that is real is hard work at first as is working out at the gym or any kind of physical exercise. It takes discipline and commitment. When you work out regularly you may notice an increased sense of wellbeing. We know that exercise releases the brains feel good transmitters called endorphins. Similarly, when you start to train your mind by releasing all the conditioning you have collected during your lifetime, you are allowing the possibility of more joy. Experiencing bliss is your birthright.
Have you got what it takes?Going back to our original focus on speaking your truth rather than living a lie, where do you stand on that now? As someone who tends to question the dominant narrative and who is known for being genuine, I can make others feel uncomfortable. It is one of the reasons I have very few friends because I prefer real conversations. The reason I take this stand is expressed so brilliantly in the following excerpt:
Truth makes a personal, spiritual, ethical, and moral demand upon us. It wants to be said, known, told. It hurts and it’s inconvenient, but it’s essential to our well-being.
~Jacqui Lewis
The link between reading and writing is so powerful. When we begin to read, we begin to find the words.
Reading and writing can be acts of courage that bring us closer to others and ourselves. Author Michelle Kuo shares how teaching reading skills to her students in the Mississippi Delta revealed the bridging power of the written word — as well as the limitations of its power.
Psychologist Susan David shares how the way we deal with our emotions shapes everything that matters: our actions, careers, relationships, health, and happiness. In this deeply moving, humorous, and potentially life-changing talk, she challenges a culture that prizes positivity over emotional truth and discusses the powerful strategies of emotional agility. A talk to share.
I recently had to make a trip to the tire store to get new tires. I know nothing about tires, so this is always an adventure for me. Ultimately, I chose what they recommended. Then, they wanted to talk to me about alignment packages. I could purchase this now and supposedly save money later. It sounded good, so I signed up for it!
What is alignment anyway? On my car, it means all the tires are evenly matched, lined up straight, and pulling me directly down the road. When tires are out of alignment, the car will pull to the right or left, the tires will wear out improperly, and the steering wheel might shake.
None of these things are necessarily life-threatening in the moment, but not good if allowed to continue for a long period of time! Good, solid alignment is essential to smooth travel down the road!
Strong and solid alignment is even more essential for people. If you want to travel smoothly and safely down the roads of life, you have to be aligned. If you don’t want to wear out too quickly, get pulled in wrong ways, and stay solid, you must be well aligned.
So how does alignment work for people? What do you need to know?Most difficulties for individuals come when behavior and belief are not in alignment. In short, when you believe one way and act in another way, you are out of alignment. This can be a major cause of depression, anger, anxiety, and a host of other emotional and relationship challenges. Alignment between belief and behavior is so very important.
For instance, if deep down in your heart, you believe in being honest, but you are cheating on your papers for school, you are out of alignment. If you espouse a strong work ethic, but spend work days wasting time on social media, you are out of alignment.
You get the point. Believe one thing-do another, always equals difficulty.
Check out these simple steps to get to better personal alignment:First, make a list of the things you truly believe about yourself, about life, and about how you believe people should conduct themselves. Write down only the things you strongly believe in. For example, my list would say “I believe in the importance of regular physical exercise.”
Making a list of what you truly believe is helpful because it causes you to really reflect, examine your priorities, and decide what you really feel. Take some time to do this. Your goal is not to “one and done” and get everything on a piece of paper in a single setting. Add to it as different ideas come to mind.
Second, examine the things that irritate you the most about yourself and others. If you pay attention, these can be the “dashboard lights” to indicate a belief beneath the hood. For example, I hate it when people speed ahead and then swerve over at the last minute. If I follow that irritant to the root, I find myself seeing respect and integrity. I believe in these things.
Third, as your list starts to come together, start asking yourself questions like “How does my conduct measure up to my beliefs?” For example, I mentioned that I believe in the importance of regular physical exercise. Is my current behavior matching that belief? Not too difficult to see. Am I exercising regularly right now? If yes, I am in alignment. If not, I might wish to make some changes!
Finally, when you find something out of alignment—when a belief and a behavior do not match up—consider setting a goal to make a change. Set goals based on what you believe. When you start to match up your actions with what you believe, you get the personal power to make a change. You tap into that part of us that always wants our beliefs and our behaviors to match.
Alignment is important for cars. It is essential for people! When the wheels of behavior are aligned with the axle of belief, you get top speed through life! Even more, life just moves more smoothly when what you espouse matches what you do! Let’s get things lined up! That will get us there!
As a child, you needed to survive emotionally!• You were so well trained to make use of quick fixes whenever you experience any uncomfortable feeling.
• You were taught your ‘negative’ feelings were not legitimate and needed to be instantly suppressed.
• You were erroneously told your vulnerability was a weakness.
• Your caregivers never explained to you that feelings were merely messengers. Moreover, they never modeled how to respect and honor one’s feelings, sit with them, embrace them, and go through them for a healthy release.
Appealingly, until we could find our trigger in adulthood — hopefully during this physical existence, we would continue to be clueless about the root causes of our hopelessness and helplessness, sadly enough.
Having a ‘Savior’ pattern, like most highly sensitive folks whose “free will” chose the unaware empath*** path when attempting to cope with their unfriendly environment, doesn’t make things any easier.
I am familiar with the trap. Interestingly, what is mind-blowing, to me, is that yielding my rescuer pattern, in general, has been more demanding than rewiring the major part of my subconscious program. The resistance has been fierce, to say the least.
I destroyed four belief levels and my innocence with them. I, respectively, replaced them by:
- Not all mortal beings are inherently good.
- Toxic inherently good people don’t deserve my investment.
- Even non-toxic ones wouldn’t earn a chance unless they asked for support/active ear explicitly.
- Trust is a shared responsibility in relationships. Fantasizing about the potential does not make it a reality. If one mistake destroys trust, then there has never been any built reserve in the first place. Investing and being consistent with your deposits doesn’t guarantee that the other person pays attention and considers it.
I explored the last belief level in detail here where I told the incident that triggered it, should it feel worthwhile: Trust Is a Shared Responsibility in Relationships.
Last wordsIf you can recognize yourself in today’s topic, I want you to know that I feel you! (Un)becoming the lifetime of conditioning filter and learning to reconnect with our authentic self is anything but something you learn overnight, particularly if you are a highly-sensitive empath!
Should you be armed with tons of self-awareness, humility, patience, bravery, and consistency, sooner or later, you will start seeing the fruits of the most rewarding investment of your whole existence: investing in your self-evolution so that your future version and the Universe would be grateful to you!
No matter what your self-bully might be telling you, don’t believe a single word! Your inner power is limitless and you have what it takes to break free. It’s only limited by your current belief system you never chose in the first place.
You always have the option to choose differently and I hope that you’ll go for it!
*** A very empathetic person with emotional weak boundaries who struggles to say no, who would please others at their expense, who would absorb their surroundings’ toxic energy and confuse others’ feelings with theirs.
Recently, I was informed of another delayed flight (3 for 3 in my recent flights- consistency is not always what it’s cracked up to be LOL). I was in line, looking to make my change along with all the others. All of a sudden, a man loses it and kicks over another man’s soda- making a huge mess. As he stormed off…there was a massive shift in the energy of everyone else in the area.
Compassion descended.* For the poor person who had to clean it up. * For the flight agents trying to kindly help everyone through the situation. * For the woman doing all this with the sleeping baby attached to her chest. * And yes, even for the man with the temper who didn’t have the tools to look around and find the love.
Suddenly the air of surprise turned to one of CONNECTION. We made eye contact. Smiled. Nodded. Let people through. Said thank you. Laughed.
There are numerous opportunities to shift from Judgment to Choice.
- From Anger to Hope.
- From Self-Focus to Compassion
- From Fear to Love.
Take in the lessons all around to remind you of the right actions. Of humanity. Of LOVE.
Flying… it’s not my favorite. It’s probably the only time I wish I was still drinking… I used to say I “liked to be passed out by takeoff.”
Yesterday, when I was flying, Martin suggested that I spend some time observing my anxiety instead of letting it overtake me. I was thinking this would never be possible for me, but as we were taxiing to the runway, I turned on this Ram Dass meditation recommended to me last week. It was originally recorded in 1994 with ambient accompaniment by Boreta and Superposition. Here’s the link to it on YouTube, Apple, and Spotify. It’s very beautifully put together, and it takes you on a journey of being the awareness of all that is, not too tightly identifying with it.
Let the phenomena of life arise, exist, and then change. Thoughts arise. Memories. Judgments. Plans. See them just like the horns, the traffic, the sensations in your body. They come. They exist. And then they move on.
We don’t attach our eyes to a leaf as it blows by. Why then do we linger in the thoughts of fear, and anxiety? We hear a horn and then don’t attach to it for hours. It arises, exists, and then moves on.
I’ll often grasp an idea of what may happen, and I OBSERVED myself on this plane fighting to let it go.
You can experience fear and anxiety without identifying with it, so long as you notice it, let it exist, and let it pass. Far too often, we don’t. We fall into the hole of “what was” or “what could be.” All fictitious realities created by the mind.
I had an actual mental fight about letting the anxiety, the worry, just exist and then pass.
“BUT WHAT IF SOMETHING DOES HAPPEN…”
I chose to keep listening to this meditation and was mindful to simply see myself as awareness. Moments later, thoughts later, the anxiety was gone without a second thought. (Don’t get me wrong- it still tried to creep back, but it wasn’t nearly as incapacitating as it normally is.)
Flying is kind of an irrational fear. It truly is the safest way to travel. However, we do this for so many different things in our lives.
For example, we do this with people who have hurt us. We KNOW that to let it go is the way through, but we feel vindicated in lingering in the anger.
We do this with our being “correct,” with our model of the world being the “right” model.
We do this with expectations of friends and lovers.
We expect every person to be in the next moment the same as they’ve been in the previous.
When we feel upset, we relive it. A fight with your boss that happened, for example, might be replayed 17 times to every person who will listen.
You had a fight with someone in the grocery store? How many people heard about that? Fight with a spouse? Did you call everyone and replay the who what when why and where? Over and over? Living in a moment that isn’t now? Replaying it in your head?
Your subconscious mind doesn’t understand future tense. It only knows now, and now arises, exists, and then moves on.
The meditation was very useful in helping me with this particular anxiety. I listened to it from pushback through takeoff (lucky me, the 17-minute meditation took me from the gate to 10,000 feet. That’s not always the case flying out of LaGuardia. )
I recommend it! Might help if anxiety is one of the things you struggle with.
Recently, Mariah and I encountered a stylistic variation that shows how differently our brains work. It was proof of a theory we’ve studied throughout our marriage, and much more intensively in the recent past. That theory, based on our ‘neuro-differences,’ has become more than just a parlor game, or an amusing pastime to divert attention from real-life challenges. It’s become the topic we’ve settled on to propel our nascent speaking career. Anomalies as strengths.
Mariah has ADHD & dyslexia, two so-called abnormalities that have bedeviled her all her life. (Yes, I have her permission to share this.) We’ve had breakthrough realizations around these ‘neuro-differences.’ One is that they’re real! She’s not making this S*#T up, not crazy, dumb, or stupid as certain people have labeled her. The second light-bulb moment was that Mariah’s brain-centered differences are not deficits; these real, weirdly wonderful machinations in her brain are benefits!
In the movie Apollo 13, the astronauts were halfway between Earth and the moon when a rupture in a fuel cell put them in grave danger. The team in Houston had to craft a device from incompatible equipment to scrub cabin air in the LEM not for two astronauts but for three, and not for a few hours, but a few days! Plus, they could only use items onboard the Apollo spacecraft 100,000 miles away.
Of course, they found workarounds for the challenge, and the Apollo 13 crew returned home safely. Here’s the insight Mariah and I derived from this. My style as a ‘neurotypical’ person is linear and orderly. My aviation career reinforced this, and the system works very well for me. I expect B to follow A. Every time! If I see O, I expect to see P. If I see O, and then H appears, I can deal with it, but it disrupts my flow. It also causes me to waste energy wondering why the H is there when it’s not supposed to be!
Mariah’s brain is non-linear, accustomed to disruptions and surprises. She sees O, then H, followed by R all the time. She wastes no energy wondering why F arrives after T.
You see where this is going. Mariah is much better and more comfortable with workarounds than I am. She anticipates the need for them and has honed her ability to find them. This is truly a gift that her neurodivergence provides. Mariah would have talked that Apollo crew through their challenge step by step. I would have wasted time wondering why the hell the systems weren’t compatible!
There are many ramifications to this we’ve yet to tease out. We’re on a journey of discovery like none we’ve encountered. Mariah and I have traveled the world, packing up and moving numerous times. With 15 addresses in the past 20 years, we’ve done a bit of exploring. But trekking around inside our heads has been more revealing than anything previous.
The biggest discovery is that as much as society tries to cure, marginalize, and label them, neuro-differences are not deficits. They’re benefits.
When we embrace that idea, we’ll be safely heading home from whatever disasters we might encounter.
Image courtesy of NASA Apollo 13 Mission
The strategies of resistance and control that we’ve learned and practiced throughout our lives can leave us feeling trapped in limited and limiting patterns and stories. These strategies keep us frozen in the emotionally triggering charge associated with everything in relative reality, unable to experience life in a fully present way. Stuck in that insignificant place, in the stories we tell ourselves about “reality,” we miss out on what living genuinely is, which is the experience of wonder and awe right here in this moment.
To break free of these patterns and stories, we unlearn—we uncover our core false beliefs and integrate what we have hidden in shadow. And in so doing, we let go of the idea of a limited self, a self that is separate from Source. We let go of all our thought patterns, all our beliefs, all those behaviors that keep us small and separate. And in letting go, we come into the experience of The Great Remembering: The deeply felt knowing that we are one with Source. We have returned to our state of original perfection.
This kind of letting go is a powerful component of spiritual awakening. There’s more power in letting go, in yielding, and in redirecting energy than there is in resisting, controlling, and pushing back.
When we’re struggling with addiction, we’re resisting. We’re pushing back against our inner need to be present with ourselves in the moment. Addictive behavior is simply that—a resistance to presence, a strategy for avoiding what’s here now because it’s too painful or too shameful. Letting go in the context of addiction means not only releasing the idea that we are inherently broken and need to change, but also releasing all the strategies we’ve perfected for protecting what we perceive as our brokenness. The ultimate surrender is not surrendering those parts of us that are “bad,” but surrendering to who and what we are as whole and perfect. This is not about looking perfect on the outside; it’s about resting in that original perfection, the blueprint that we are as spiritual beings.
One of the beliefs that many of us are unlearning is that life is about identifying problems and figuring out how to fix them. Letting go opens a major shift in that paradigm; as we let go of the idea that life is a series of problems, we can choose to see that the only problem that exists is a problem in we hold in our minds. The only thing keeps us from waking up to the truth of who and what we are is the idea that we can’t wake up. The only thing that blocks us from enlightenment is the idea that we are blocked from enlightenment. For some people, this shift comes in an instant. For many of us, it’s a lifelong practice of questioning, unlearning, and growing in awareness of our deeper selves.
Forgive me. I am still a bit rusty on writing compelling literature. It’s been a while and I’ve been much more focused on other realities… I’ll do my best to stay on target.
Having quit social media for an extended period of time, I noticed a drastic improvement in my ability to focus. I’m certain we’ve all read a variety of articles illustrating just how negative social media can impact our mental acuity. I cannot rehash all the facts, figures, or statistics on this topic because I haven’t done my proper homework. I cannot tell you how algorithms or social media influencers affect certain age groups or demographics. I simply don’t have that information. However, I will say that – since joining Medium and shamelessly returning to LinkedIn after swearing it off – my anxieties and stress levels have skyrocketed tenfold. I’m right back to where I was two years ago.
The problem is that I have a great love for so many talented artists and writers – many of whom are right here on BizCatalyst 360°. I simply couldn’t stay away.
I’m a supporter of all creative beings, for better or worse. I can’t help it. I do my best to encourage and share, to enlighten, and have intellectual discussions.
I do this for several reasons – because I love art and I love writing to the very core of my essence. The other reason is that my personal career has become increasingly more complex and difficult with each passing year. As much as I love my work, it demands more and more of my attention and soul, to the point where I’m terrified of never fulfilling my creative potential as an artist or writer.
In many ways, you could say that I have a marginal case of Impostor Syndrome. While I do enjoy the challenges associated with Technical Writing and government contracting, I lack the killer instinct for business development and corporate theology. I am an artist and a free spirit, a creative journalist moonlighting in the salt mines of reality. While I do quite well in my career, I feel there is something slowly dying inside as I lose more and more ground on my passion. Worse, social media exacerbates the tension in strange ways that I can’t always express. It’s akin to being haunted by the ghost of an alternate reality. That probably makes zero sense and it’s an incredibly unfair and negative mindset, but it washes over me from time to time.
After disconnecting the first time, I began to value and appreciate things on a much higher level. I took a long time away to examine my feelings and objectives, but I eventually realized that I missed the voices calling out from the creative void. I needed to be a part of the tribe, despite the noise and aggravation that comes with social media. To this day I cannot make heads or tails of my emotions. I don’t wish to be analyzed. I know myself quite well. I know what I’m capable of and bright enough to work through the voodoo psychology. It’s just a suffocating feeling that goes hand-in-hand with being a misfit.
For the record – I don’t reject that label. It is a unique identifier. I truly am a misfit. I don’t say that to be faux eccentric, but I have never fit in. The real struggle is being pulled by the gravity of two radically different worlds – corporate vs. creative. I am literally torn in two. I serve two masters, one of them secretly. It is a badge of insecurity that hangs like an anchor around my neck. The only saving grace is that it brings me right back here to the canvas. It brings me back to the keyboard with these itchy bleeding fingers. It is the terror of not creating… of losing touch with the inspiration and fire that catapults the imagination. It is the brimming star of destiny which dims to a little white blip in the center of a dark television screen. What follows is silence.
Indeed. I have to shake it off. I am not suicidal or depressed, but I do have to force myself to work harder and not surrender to the machine. Perhaps I am being overly self-critical, but this is my personal mind splatter. I have never shared this before. We are all human and sometimes it is necessary to let the shadows breathe. I’ll go back to my turmoil now, and focus on more positive endeavors. I just want to wish you all the very best – to never doubt your gifts or abilities. I want you to reach for the brightest flame possible, to burn your fingers in the process of trying. You must stop at nothing to achieve your dreams, or at least go down with the ship while giving it your all. That is where you will find me. Most important, you must keep a very close pulse on your spirit ladies and gents.
It is speaking to you… constantly… but are you willing to listen?
Becoming a servant leader through God’s HelpI read the “Purpose Driven Life” Do we keep it inside? We are here to help others so we help. What does one learn about not being able to walk, and remembering how your grandma and father had trouble too? Ending up as paraplegics at 70.
Through a process of finding my best foods, I found I didn’t need as much as I thought, and there were triggers that caused me to eat more. Eating more of the wrong things caused pain and arthritis symptoms. Pain doing everything including walking.
I found friends who were doing this too and found hope and support through them. Different blood types have particular foods that are inflammatory for them and not for others. Believing I could find my best foods. I wrote a book for my story and included three other people with their stories. It is so interesting what others do, and you deserve to learn about these stories also. You deserve to have amazing health as you age. Especially if you are always hungry.
You deserve to learn which foods are best for you, and which foods will carry you through past 80. You deserve to learn, how I healed my gums. My dentist noticed and wanted to know how. I helped my 80-year-old friend lose 115 pounds, and she cured her diverticulosis and sleeps better. Up from 5-6 hours to 7–8 hours. She didn’t think this worked.
If you would like to learn more, about how to digest easier, not hurt, and feel light and energetic. You can heal, I healed my whole body, (I have the Lou Gehrig’s gene.) If you are suffering and want to feel fit at any age, let’s talk. www.talkwithkristi.com Or learn step by step https://www.keystobasichealth.com
P.S. I am 68 now and aim to keep walking.
Why do we find ourselves having an unhealthy relationship with disappointment? We do everything we can to avoid feeling it. We work hard to protect our children from it, and we don’t want others feeling it about us, or anything we are part of. Why is it that we avoid this experience? What I’ve learned through my inner work and the inner work of my clients, is that when we were young, many of us were taught to be ‘grateful for what we have’ – especially when we were expressing our dislike about what was in front of us.
This still happens around the dinner table in homes around the world when a child doesn’t want to eat what is on their plate. As parents, we look for any motivation we can find to get them to eat, even shaming them by comparing them to others that don’t have enough. Unfortunately, this encourages the child to bypass their feelings of disappointment. Instead of allowing our children to be disappointed with what’s in front of them and encouraging them to feel their feelings without our judgment, we tell them that they shouldn’t feel that way – they should feel grateful instead. This is a very disruptive and confusing concept to a young person. It teaches them not to trust, honor or express what is happening to them on the inside. It also teaches them that disappointment is not an option. ‘You are not to be disappointed, and if you are, then you are disappointing your caretakers/family/us’. You are compared to others and if they have less, you should not be disappointed with what you have. We are merged into what others want or have and it twists up our ideas of who is responsible for what. We have covered, hidden, and tucked disappointment away as if it doesn’t have a right to be here.
Disappointment is a critical messaging system that we need back online. When disappointment arises, we are recognizing a gap between our expectations and what we are experiencing. If we don’t explore how we created that gap, we can’t change the pattern for ourselves and we end up staying stuck.
If we were taught not to feel/experience/express disappointment, then it may come out through some dysfunctional behaviors. One way it can show up is in feeling frustrated all of the time about those you are depending on. One of my clients was hugely frustrated with the leadership in her organization but was unable to acknowledge it directly. Instead, she complained about those leaders to anyone who would listen while feeling like her disappointment didn’t matter since she never expected it to change. This led to her performance decline and eventual departure from the company.
Another man I worked with had been taught that disappointment must be avoided at all costs. As a result, he said yes to work that he and his team didn’t have the resources to handle. He also worked hard to fix everyone else’s problems so they wouldn’t have to be disappointed which led to more stress on his team. Once he was able to recognize and express his disappointment in direct and neutral ways, his need to fix everyone else’s problems disappeared. He now allows disappointment to give him its message that he is not getting something he wanted or expected. NOW he can uncover any hidden expectations he may have had and bring them out into the open, adjust them, or renegotiate them so they work for him. Instead of avoiding disappointment, he lets it alert him to when he is not getting something he wants or he’s getting something he doesn’t want.
How will you stop avoiding disappointment today?
Time is free, but it’s priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it. Once you’ve lost it you can never get it back.
~Harvey Mackay
I have come to learn that life unfolds like a book; some things we anticipate, most are unpredictable, and the players and landscape can change without warning. Although we may have little control over specific circumstances, we do have full accountability in how we respond.
Life is complicated, it is easy, it is beautiful, it is messy, and can be hard when tough things happen all at once…
Our son and his girlfriend were in a ‘car rage’ incident, and the other driver pulled a gun and shot at them, with the bullet going through the back passenger window. They are not harmed but traumatized.
My dear friend’s Mother just passed away suddenly from natural causes. She is heartbroken and is now a Motherless Daughter.
Our son’s best friend would have been 30 years old this week. Sadly, he committed suicide and never saw this day.
Tyre Nichols lost his life at the brutal hands of police officers in Memphis Tennessee. A senseless, sad, and horrific act that is repeating itself without change.
As I sit and ‘feel the feels’ of trauma and loss, there is a common thread that binds:
Your life can change instantly without warning.
There is a keen awareness for me now around, living and dying, beginning and endings and what happens in-between.
Although I cannot change what has happened, I know that time is non-refundable, and I want to make it count.
So, for today, I am laser-focused on:
Moments Matter: To be completely present with my own feelings, my surroundings, my intentions and stay highly present and engaged in every interaction. Connection and belonging are key for those I love the most – I want them to hear and feel my heart.
Intentional Mindfulness: There is time we control and time we waste. Where am I feeling disconnected? Disengaged? Aligned? Centered? Joyful? My hope is to have more clarity on how I am using the time I have with this life that was given to me.
Inviting Courage to the Table: Finding the courage to soar and the courage to fail. Creating more opportunities to explore new activities, conversations or adventures that take me to my growing edges. Hoping to look back with no regrets because fear was the cornerstone.
How often have we looked backwards with some sense of remorse or regret? Unresolved forgiveness, words unspoken, dreams that dwindled, love held but never shared?
How will you spend your time today?
With Tyre Nichols’s recent murder by the police in Memphis, I think it’s painfully clear that policing in America is yet another public health crisis. Once again, we’re sadly missing the point of its root cause and that’s why it continues. Too often, police brutality is considered a race issue but when 5 black police officers beat a black man to death, it’s not about race. It’s about power.
Why do people seek power? I believe it’s a compensatory behavior attempting to ease the deep emotional pain of not feeling valued. Digging in further,
Value = Love
and love is a basic human need just like food and water.
How many public health issues can be improved or solved if the Power Differential is addressed? Marginalized communities don’t have the power. We can provide resources and support (e.g., urban markets in food deserts) but without a fundamental change in beliefs and values, the differential won’t change long term. Those in power also need their absent emotional needs addressed and help in changing their belief systems and worldviews. When they feel valued [emotionally], they’ll be more willing to relinquish power. This is how Daryl Davis has gotten so many KKK members to quit.
We know people in power will do anything and everything to keep it. It’s how they manage their emotional pain. This is clearly evident with the latest gerrymandering and other voter suppression actions so many states have implemented since 2020. Yet another public health crisis.
Obviously, there are countless other public health issues that most often focus on physical health such as obesity, diabetes, heart disease, and homelessness not to mention major issues such as loneliness, isolation, depression, addiction, etc.
But given Tyre’s murder last week by public servants, and the current “corrective” actions discussed focusing on training and behaviors (a.k.a. symptoms), I don’t expect anything to change going forward. (Just like how the War on Drugs has failed for 100 years.)
If the root problem is not addressed, the symptoms (e.g., murders by police) will continue. The root problem is poor emotional health and emotional pain and this is very different than mental health and emotional intelligence. A person’s behaviors are the symptoms of their pain.
Note: I define Emotional Health as a person’s ability to give and receive love, connection, and belonging.
How is a cancer journey in Australia, as compared to the US? I had no idea! Thanks to a beautiful human being from “down under” named Dane McCormack, I had the privilege and true honor of getting a glimpse into his world! Dane’s story is incredible, but more incredible is the person that Dane is! After all that he has been through, I am truly mesmerized at his attitude, his spirit, and his beautiful presence! Dane was in the hospital for a year, and had several parts of his body surgically removed. Yet, he has a wonderful and refreshingly positive attitude! Join us for this unique virtual journey “down under” to hear this amazing man!
I am Kind and JoyfulThink back. Do you remember the day you realized you were in control of your thoughts? Prior to my recent deep dive into mindset, this simple statement: “Whatever Follows I AM Follows You” was completely unknown to me. I was also informed — now that I’d read that statement — I was required to add only positive words behind it. Just as you can’t un-ring a bell, I couldn’t get it out of my head, the constant clang, clang, clang rang on as the phrase tumbled around in my brain. I ruminated on it for days until I settled into this truth: Whatever follows I am is not only who I am now, but who I will be going forward.
It was choice. I hadn’t considered that I could choose who I was going to be just by changing what I told myself. I tried many iterations of it. I AM a woman. I AM a daughter. I AM a nurse. I AM a mom. I AM a wife. Those initial words were clear statements for me. I was comfortable owning them.
But other words I wore just as comfortably were not my own. They were negative, mean-spirited, painful words, stupid, dumb, weirdo, idiot, ugly, not good enough. Yes, I owned and used those words on myself daily. Those untruths that others told me had become my words too. The clanging of those hateful words tumbled louder with my newfound saying, Whatever Follows I AM Follows You.
How could this be? Could I really change who I was by changing what I told myself? I’d been comfortable wearing those negative words for years. Go from being meanspirited to kind? Is that possible?
Isn’t it interesting how we rarely consider the power of our words, especially when we use them on ourselves? But the majority of the population goes through their day criticizing themselves, just as I had, for their perceived lack. How few people use their words to consistently elevate themselves. Imagine being as kind to yourself as you would be to your grandmother, or a stranger. What If… I wondered. What if I allowed myself to think positive thoughts?
I started small, and quietly, internally, definitely not out loud. Whatever Follows I AM Follows You. I AM ok. I AM nice. I AM helpful. Nothing drastic. I repeated, I AM aware that my thoughts create my reality, and whatever follows I AM, follows me. Gradually, a shift started. Wow, perhaps this could be true! Then, I became a bit bolder. I began saying positive words to myself while looking in a mirror. Who was this person peering back at me? The one with tears in her eyes just hearing, I AM Brave. I AM Bold. I AM Confident. I AM Worthy. I AM Enough.
That was the day my dear, supportive mate arrived behind me to say, “No, my sweet love, you are not just enough, You Are More Than Enough.” Since that day I use my positive words like a badge honor.
This transformation began several months ago. I now sing it from the mountaintop, because I know if I, a woman with 60+ years of inner critic and a harsh imposter perched on her shoulder can stand in front of people as a keynote speaker, published author, and proud spokesperson of Own Your Value, You Are More Than Enough, is able to say I AM Competent, Powerful, Successful, then you can too!
For those of you who already Own Your Value, congratulations, I’m proud of you. For those who aren’t there yet, lean on the faith I have in you, and begin. The process isn’t a sprint; it’s a marathon, and it’s for the rest of your life. Twice daily, like brushing your teeth, I AM….
The kindness I’ve gifted to myself has brought me more joy than I can say. I love the new me, and so does everyone else. It’s nothing short of a miracle that I created myself.
Join me. It’s available to you too.
Drink in this image as the reflection of the light on the water reminds us that the extraordinary can be found in the ordinary.
Bedford river at sunrise ~ Kate GriffithsOver the last couple of weeks I have been diving into a course in miracles, a book that was published anonymously and whose author was not revealed until after her death at her request. She was not interested in fame which she realised is illusory. Her main focus was to help humanity wake up from the illusion that life presents. She claimed that the book was channelled through by Jesus. And it is incredibly enlightening in terms of what it reveals. And I continue to dip into Richard Rohr’s Divine-inspired work to gain insights.
My sense is that at this time I am being asked to sit in prayer or meditation more frequently to determine what is next for me. I have felt the need to let go of a great deal of what I have been doing in my business to allow space to see what wants to emerge. At times this level of not knowing feels terrifying. And yet in other ways it is revealing more of the path. Let me share an example with you.
I have been aware of a shift in my business both in terms of what I have an appetite to offer and what’s happening within my client base. My old self would have probably struggled with all this uncertainty and change and placed all sorts of interpretations on why this was happening. Instead what I am noticing is that as I follow my heart, other revenue-generating options are showing up.
I have had some new client referrals come in which is lovely and potentially a couple of new strands of work that I am exploring. And a former client said no to one offer and asked me if I would be willing to do some one to one work with them.
How is that happening?The whole premise of a course in miracles is that only love is real and anything else you are feeling is unreal. The challenge is that for many this is too hard a concept to grasp because of our learnt behaviour over years and the conditioning that we have experienced. Our survival patterns are such that we are hard-wired to negativity so when things do not go the way we want then we tend to think the worst!
When I was going through the process of what next and continuing with my daily practice including the walking of my dog Benji, I opened myself to love by sitting in my heart and letting the light in. And then undertook aligned action.
One of the steps I tookIt came to me to visit a friend who had been ill for a long time to drop off my version of a ready meal. I hadn’t planned to stay but she asked me to return after my dog walk for a coffee. We spent two hours chatting and connecting. She introduced me to Dutch wafers that are warmed over your coffee which was delicious. At the end of our time together she commented on how much more positive she felt and I left feeling lighter in my being too.
Getting the rhythm of being and doing in balance for yourself is not easy. If you don’t set an intention nothing will happen likewise if you take no action and hope it will all come through meditation. It is a combined effort. The following quotation may help:
We must listen, wait, and pray for our charism and call. Most of us are really only good at one or two things. Meditation should lead to a clarity about who we are and, maybe even more, who we are not.
~Richard rohr
The last part of his quotation reminds me of something a friend said to me recently: I pray that God will slam the door shut if an opportunity is not right for me. It helps to receive guidance on both elements.
I had an amazing experience when I spent 10 minutes doing the following practice offered by Teresa Blythe. If you try it be open to receiving guidance through visions or images; it is unlikely to be a voice from on high. It may also simply be a feeling of deeper peace. I was very lucky and felt that I was administered to by Jesus himself.
Teresa Blythe practice…
- Resolve to be in prayer for at least five minutes. Do not answer the phone or allow yourself to be distracted from your goal.
- Be seated and say to yourself, “Here I am seated, doing nothing. I will do nothing for five minutes” (or longer, depending on the time you set for yourself).
- Begin noticing your own bodily presence—how your body feels next to the chair; how your feet feel against the floor. Relax your body. Notice what you feel inside.
- Now notice the presence of all that is around you. Say to yourself, “Here I am in the presence of the room (garden, chapel, wherever you are).” Be aware of the furniture, walls, and any pets or people in the room. Just be present and silent in your environment. Relax even more.
- Now say to yourself, “Here I am in the presence of God.” Repeat silently to God, “Here I am.” Bask in the presence of the Holy One until your time goal has been reached.
If you do undertake the practice please drop me a line and let me know what came up for you. To deepen it you may wish to start by spritzing a Colour Mirrors essence onto each hand and into your aura.
And if you love the idea of exploring this further email me at kate@wholeselfleadership.com to find out more about my retreat on 5 Feb.
There have been times over the years when my family has had to take two cars to get someplace. Inevitably, this leads to a race. To be honest, I don’t like this. It just seems to me that the race becomes reckless. I struggle with each driver taking a little more risk and hoping to get lucky with the traffic lights and more.
This competition seems to encourage faster speeds, breaking the law and doing things a driver would not (and perhaps, should not) normally do. While at times in the past, I have participated in these races, I have found more recently that I do not find them enjoyable and I no longer want to participate.
You may think I am negative or just being silly, and you may be correct. However, the real reason I am choosing to no longer participate in these races is because I do not believe in relying on luck. In my life, I truly want to win!
Recently, a friend of mine shared something about winning with me. She told me the word “Win” can be an acronym to help us live a better life. She said “WIN” means “What’s Important Now.” I loved this and could not stop thinking about it.
Let’s face it! We live in a very distracting and distracted world. There are so many things clamoring for our attention every day. It is too easy to get off track and forget what matters most. This line from the 1983 movie, Mr. Mom has been a favorite quote of mine:
“It’s real easy to forget what’s important, so don’t!”
You all know from my columns that I have strong feelings about distracted driving! You know even more that I am on a crusade against distracted living. Never in the history of the world have we had more things to divert us from what really matters most!
It is critical for us to learn to focus on what is important now!
It is too easy to neglect our kids for our cell phones. It is much too tempting to “pop in a movie” instead of having a conversation or playing a game. It is simpler to go to dinner and a movie (while staring into our phones) and not be engaged in meaningful dialogue and activity.
I find if I ask myself, “Jim, What’s important now?” I am better able to reflect on the best activities I could be engaged in. Granted, I do not always do what is best or most important, but I am striving so to do. I want to do what is best—what is most important right now.
You can see it all around us! People everywhere have forgotten what is truly important now! Let’s not be that way!
Let’s not hope we get lucky and have our kids turn out to be responsible adults. Let’s focus on what is most needful now and act upon it. Let’s be intentional parents who take the time to really teach and love our children!
Let’s not just hope we get lucky and have our marriage be wonderful and fulfilling! Let’s take the most important actions today that will build, enrich, and strengthen this most important relationship!
Let’s not just hope we get lucky in the workplace and have all the raises and recognition we wish for. Let’s be deliberate about improving ourselves and our productivity by doing what is priority work!
Let’s not just hope we get lucky and have a life of health and strength! Let’s get off the couch, log off the internet, exercise, and improve our diet. Let’s focus on taking care of ourselves today!
Let’s not just hope we get lucky and have the happiness we long for. Let’s get our heads into good books, take time to replenish our reserves, and work hard to be happy now!
It is so easy to just head down the road of life, racing each other to get where we need to go and not really take any thought for what is most important right now. Let’s stop the racing! Let’s stop the rushing to get somewhere before someone else.
Let’s all take a small moment regularly to pause and ask “What’s important now?” and then take those actions. Let’s really WIN at life!
Suddenly I was awake and surrounded by a host of doctors and nurses in the middle of the night. Pain in chest and both arms. Fear and fascination competed within as awareness began to crystallize. One doctor said to another, we need to anesthetize before we shock. Ventricular tachycardia was in control of my heart rhythm, reducing pumping capacity to a minimum. Will I survive or is this my last memory? There was no shining light or other-worldly phenomena. The calm and kind face of one physician had the effect of calming me and is my last memory of this event. Then it was morning…
Fortunately, I was in one of the world’s best cardiac care facilities, recovering from a heart attack three days prior. Doctors told me the struggle went on for 18 minutes while they salvaged life from a wounded heart. Grateful is a feeble expression of what I feel about how this team of people, in the midst of chaos, did all the right things to preserve a life.
On the best medications, with world-class medical processes followed, amidst giants of cardiac care, I did not expect to be touring the valley of the shadow of death. When I went to sleep the night before, all seemed well. Then fate injected a surprise ushering me to a place I’d never been.
Why? Where is the opportunity in this crisis? When will my last moment come? How should I then live?
The reality in this valley of death is whatever you’ve done is on record, can’t be changed. So if your record is this man or woman cared and shared, kudos will likely come. If how people will remember you is self-centered and indulgent, nothing can change that view.
Without falling into the trap of self-adulation or self-effacement, I am on a mission to lift more than I need to be lifted, to love more than expected, and to celebrate the good and joys of life more than ever.
No big change, just a different level of commitment emerging from this experience – an audit of my mission complete with compliances and discrepancies. I am fortunate to have had such an experiential audit and then live on to improve from its findings.
It is all upside if any reader can somehow vicariously join me in elevating life for those you influence.
Many years ago, I took a class on breathwork; it was so insightful! Your breath reflects you. How you are breathing is how you are living.
For instance, if the breath is shallow, you are not tapping into the most powerful depths in yourself; whether it’s work, spirituality, or relationships, to name a few examples.
If you are holding your breath, you’re holding back controlling what you expend energy on.
As you go about your week, I encourage you to bring your awareness to the flow of your breath.
The breath can tell you so much about what you are feeling and experiencing in the present moment.
In closing, I encourage you to breathe in the fullness and richness of life! You hold to power to create the life you want to experience.
If you want to learn how to live a life you design and want a proven technique that has been getting results for over 15 years, reach out. Make 2023 your year to live life to the fullest, and allow me to guide you!
Breathing in the Fullness and Richness of Life,
Nancy
As I sit here early on a still quiet Sunday drinking my coffee, I sit here in amazement at the depth of loss and grief. To those innumerable people sharing their moments of loss, while attempting to grasp the enormity of what’s next? How will I cope? How will I get through the next moment let alone to the next day?
Have you been there?Imagine the spectrum. Knowing that there is a moment that you, your loved one, dearest friend, child, admired colleague, or notable personality that has meant so much to you dies. Some from natural causes, some from terminal disease, some from violence, or some by their own hand. We each struggle to make sense in those moments. Attempting to abate the loss through deflection or rejection.
During the last, I sat in my own loss bubble and rejected the realities of the heartbreak that I experienced. I replaced it with people, things, emotions, and numbing agents that only postponed the reality of heartbreak.
I sat with others in grief recovery as their leader never truly healing my own fully. I sat in the heartbreak, surrounded, enveloped, and grieving not yet giving in to it. It was juxtaposition or more to the point a dichotomy within that struggled to push away the heartbreak, but the walls crashed in again and again. It wasn’t until the walls shattered and came down that I was able to recognize the heartbreak and accept it.
Facing loss finally. It was neither the loss of my Dad due to cancer nor my daughter’s suicide that finally led me to acceptance of the heartbreak, but rather it was time. Time that had passed with perspective gained. Recalling a film about when a woman was faced with a character that was death, she welcomed in, for she did not fear him. It was that way for me in facing heartbreak, it was unwelcome, intrusive mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally, and I wanted no part with it.
It was a letter of forgiveness to my daughter, then to myself, and then to each of my family members that I had affected and hurt by actions or inactions.
You cannot make truly make amends for heartbreak other than taking ownership, accountability, and acknowledging your part within the heartbreak.
You’re in the heartbreak. You sit down across from it, pour a cup of coffee and say ok, I am finally ready to talk with you. What do I need to learn? How do I embrace you and not loss myself to the darkness? How do I go forward with the vast emptiness that I feel within?
You allow.
You allow others in once more.
You do not push away, you embrace, accept, extend, and love more deeply.
The first is you, forgive, love, and embrace all of who you are. In your imperfection, through your stubborn pride, throw away doubt, fear, and embrace the courage to do hard things.
You reach out and embrace others who are also in need, for in helping them heal you heal more each day. It is not through sympathy, but by empathy through the strength of knowing, seeing through shared experience, and embracing them as kindred. It is the soul connection that heals.
You sit in the heartbreak with others not as knowing all, but rather as someone who sits alongside a wounded equal sustaining one another. It is within person that we align our souls with as kindred and wounded souls where we can experience the most amazing healing through shared experience and the abiding love of family reimagined.
“Join yourself with nature” was the morning prompt from The ORIGIN Methodology of Self-Discovery. Now, it was time to listen for my question; a question specific for this step in my awakening. Sitting quietly in my meditation room, I heard, “How can you join together what was never separated?” What follows is my journal entry for that day:
Auh, yes ~ ‘Advaita’ – “not two”
Only in our minds do we separate
in order to define
in order to discover our uniqueness
in order to experience “I am” and then “I AM”
in order to experience this journey of life, this journey of Being, forgetting & remembering, to BE consciously, then transition into the collective unconscious to begin the cycle again on this continuum of change, through our lineage of BEING-ness ~ ancestors to ME to children to grandchildren… carrying the seeds of beliefs, perceptions, experiences, dreams, memories, fears, loves, joys, lessons, insights, wisdom, life, from one generation to the next ~ a blueprint, a subconscious blueprint from which to grow, learn, remember, choose and create one’s life – my life.
A forgotten blueprint, once remembered, can be changed and transformed – old patterns into new; fear-filled drama into dreams fulfilled; baby steps into leaps of faith.
Seeds planted centuries ago grow into oak trees. That is the natural cycle of Nature. We all live in this natural cycle of continual change and growth – this evolution or devolution from generation to generation – as it is a choice, a conscious or subconscious choice to change, to continue old patterns, or create new ones.
I am here now, a Soul in manifested form as a unique expression of the Love, Oneness, Source from which I came to BE, representing my lineage in this moment in time and space. I am the one with the opportunity to transform old patterns into new; to break the chains of fear and uncertainty and manifest the dreams I share and carry from my ancestors.
I am the one in physical form who is growing roots in the soil of my Soul, reaching deep and stretching high – “As Above, So Below”.
I am Nature personified in physical body, as rivers of ancient waters flow within, constantly renewing itself with cellular seeds of life.
The fires of my mind ignite with conscious awareness, creating new pathways and dreams to follow as memories emerge from deep within.
I breathe the air of my ancestors, and all those who came before me, deep into my lungs, and exhale my unique contribution to the whole. With every breath, I share mySELF, for we are “not two.” We are Nature and Nature is Us.
There is no need to join with Nature – only remember.
Growing up, so many careers looked great! I couldn’t pick just one! So I became a career counselor to help others along their career paths. I love it!
I never planned to spend 12 years tackling societal loneliness. I’m not a social worker or a researcher. Moving to Minnesota as a single person, I faced long winters alone inside. Looking back, that hibernation was boot camp for Covid quarantine! So began my deep dive into loneliness research.
In 2010, I met Dr. Jacqueline Olds, author of the groundbreaking book The Lonely American. Dr. Olds assured me that my Minnesota loneliness was not unique – it was a nationwide trend.
Hoping to make a difference, I launched my venture Plan B Connections. I started hosting workshops for unemployed job seekers about making meaningful social connections. It was their first workshop to address the loneliness and isolation of unemployment.
Then I connected individuals with new friends through hosting small group conversations, dinners, and volunteer events. Pete, a retiree in his 60s, regularly attended “for a feeling of community.” We became good friends. When Pete planned to move from Minnesota to Maine to live near his daughter, I asked where he was staying his last night in the Twin Cities. Pete planned to sleep on the floor – his furniture would be on its way to Maine. Not on my watch! He stayed in my guest room, we had a nice hearty breakfast, and there was a big bear hug to launch him on his new life chapter. Mission accomplished!
Pete’s story highlights my hacks for living alone and living connected:
1) We need to belong. Find your community.
2) Be genuinely interested in potential friends and see them often. Make “Norm!” camaraderie your norm! Frequency builds friendships.
3) Cultivate your life purpose. Your reason for getting out of bed daily is your “ikigai.” Leverage your purpose to make meaningful connections. Volunteering to host workshops and Meetups were my inroads to purpose. For ideas, check out Volunteer Match.
4) Write your evolving self-story of connection. Our social identities took a big hit during quarantine. Start writing a new social story. Joseph, my favorite Target cashier, always makes fun quips about my groceries – “Lasagna! This must be for Garfield!” I always look for his line. Journal about all of your connections including weaker social ties. Writing helps you savor your experiences. Your evolving self-story will strengthen your social wellness.
So… how am I walking my talk?
I’m networking with wonderful individuals on LinkedIn to find new ways to help individuals living alone. I’m developing a new Plan B Connections workshop for a large professional community. I’ve reached out to several nonprofits and friends who could use a helping hand. I journal daily about all my connections, savoring every single one. My evolving self-story highlights purpose, connections, and belonging.
Wishing you many meaningful connections in 2023!
Mental Health affects all of us in one way or the other, whether personally or if you haven’t been under a rock, you are aware of increased awareness in the media.The recent suicide of tWitch (Stephen Boss) has hit me more than Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain, and Kate Spade, who were the most recent three influences on my own mental health issues. Meaning the impact of their choices weighed heavy on me and still does, not because they were famous, but because they were the masks of “having it all.” I have also had many people around me choose to end their life, but tWitch’s death has me shook.
I cannot read social media posts or articles or watch videos about him without deep stabbing pains in the center of my heart and a box of tissue close by. I know this isn’t about me, but writing true, authentic, and personal stories is what connects us, and I feel connected to you in this moment. Thus, I am sharing my thoughts and feelings.
I have been a fan of tWitch since 2008 when he got second place on So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD). He also met his wife, Allison, on the show, and they went on to share three children. I have followed his family for years, captivated by their humor, love, and sense of family.
After SYTYCD, he became most famous for his energy, positivity, and heartfelt approach to complicated subjects such as racial inequality. Most people were introduced to tWitch when he became the DJ on the Ellen DeGeneres show in 2014. He was also an actor, producer, but most importantly, husband and father.
I am not going to spend time hopping on the bandwagon conversations that many are having, like why do people make these decisions or respond to questions such as, “How selfish and inconsiderate. Do they even think of those they have “left behind?” The people who have been there know. We know! Those types of conversations are most often held by those who have never been on the dark side. The “viewers” I call them. The ones who have no right to be judge and jury.
I am going to focus on ONE LOVE. Simply put, we do not spend enough time telling those around us how important they are or how they have impacted or influenced our life. Sure, you talk amongst yourselves or can write a helluva an obituary when it’s over. But do we share with the source? Hmm
We are too wrapped up in our own damn agendas with a mindless belief system that we always have tomorrow to share how we feel or what we think of others. WE DON’T. You cannot bank on tomorrow.
There is no “face” of mental health. There are frequently no signs or cries for help from those of us who battle mental health every single day. It takes, on average, a decade for someone with severe mental health issues to seek professional help – if ever. A DECADE! Years of suffering alone is not a personal choice, like choosing to consume a mega bag of Doritos or where you might go on vacation. It is a burden. It is not welcomed. It shows up at the most inconvenient times. It hides until it doesn’t. It is dark and ugly. You often won’t see signs of massive depression like empty bottles of Jack on the counter, giving signs you might have an alcoholic on your hands or the smell of marijuana, or an empty bank account because your loved one gambles. Deep manic depression is inconsistent, powerful, silent suffering that causes massive tunnel vision, not because you are selfish, but because you want to stop the pain. And ending it all is rarely done in the moment. Many times the scene has been thought through a million times.
I beg you to check in often with those you love, especially those who seem to have their shit together. Check-in with those who always respond with, “I’m fine.” Check-in with those who are funny, energetic, and successful. THOSE ARE THE FACES. Those are the ones who have internal conversations about ways to escape the disgusting rollercoaster ride of darkness.
Please don’t dismiss the importance of telling someone how they have positively impacted your life, or you might be having conversations after the fact as you try to sift through the shock of why you think they have done what they have done after it is over. Honor them when they are alive and have conversations about what might be going on with them before they do something.
Pry like hell. PRY LIKE HELL.
And, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE, f__king call someone today, and trust me, call the ones who seem like they have it all.
I read the “Purpose Driven Life” Do we keep it inside? We are here to help others so we help. I am going to talk about not being able to walk. How does this happen at 50? You see it commonly in 80-year-olds, but not commonly in 40, 50, or 60-year-olds. How did it happen to me?
1. I found out I was eating too much food, I thought I needed it, and I thought I needed more! I thought why was I hungry all the time if I didn’t need it?
2. I was eating foods that inflamed my body. Now, are symptoms of arthritis really eating inflammatory foods? I could not bend over to tie my shoes. I couldn’t put on my pants and I had trouble walking up and down stairs. I couldn’t stand to cook. and I couldn’t turn my head to see oncoming traffic.
So what did I do? I started with a book, and I started eliminating the things that didn’t work. I still wasn’t “there” after a time, and I found a test that told me I needed more of a certain nutrient to just feel well. When I started adding it, I started feeling better. Unfortunately, I was still encountering bouts of pain and not being able to walk.
It could be psychological, my husband works through it. He works anyway, though he has pain. I couldn’t do it. I had too much pain. So, how did I get rid of my pain?
First I removed my inflammatory foods, and for me, it was wheat and tomatoes. For my blood type B friends, it is more like chicken. So different foods impact different people differently.
This is why I started a course, you deserve to have the steps that guide you to your best health www.12keys2basichealthcourse.com, which is about where I started. You deserve to start to get to where you want.
Things changed from 45–70 and I have a process for this too. We lose muscle mass as we age, and our digestion gets overloaded. We use a test to determine our best foods. It worked for me, it worked for my friend in Mexico (I met her on Facebook) it works for many people. Learning how to remove your trigger foods, can help you eat more efficiently.
By joining Facebook blood type groups, I have learned what they say and do. Working with my Medical Technology and Microbiology friend, I have information on what and how she worked through this process.
I have partnered with Dr. Ben Lynch and learned why he does what he does, and I love his test. It enabled me to learn from Elizma Lambert why this works, and why everyone needs to know.
You deserve to learn, because, I healed my gums and my dentist wanted to know how… I helped my 80-year-old friend lose 115 pounds, and she cured her diverticulosis and sleeps better. Up from 5-6 hours to 7–8 hours.
You can heal, I healed my whole body, (I have the Lou Gehrig’s gene.) If you are suffering and want to feel fit at any age, let’s talk. www.talkwithkristi.com
The journey through life has many challenges and obstacles along the way. The thing I learned as I hurtled through hoops to heal from my trauma is that there are blessings and lessons in every situation.
In the moment of stress, frustration, anger, and overwhelm our bodies react with the stress response. We develop tunnel vision, our heart races, we experience triggers, pain or a variety of symptoms. At that moment the lesson or blessing is not visible. We can’t see it because our eyes are literally tight, tense, and constricted. We can’t feel it because our senses are overstimulated and overwhelmed. It is a protective mechanism to get out of a dangerous situation. But it happens even in non-life threatening situations because our body has memory. The blessing or lesson may not even come for days, weeks, or months after the event is over because we likely are dealing with the physical repercussions of the stress we faced. But when the stress fades, the eyes relax, the body settles and the mind clears, there is always an opportunity to reflect on those challenges and identify the blessing and lesson in each situation.
The more you ignore the opportunity to find the blessing and the lesson, the more challenges you face.
It may not be the easy way out because it requires a little effort on our part and acceptance of the past but it is better than brushing it under the rug while you wait for the next challenge to come. If you choose to brush it under the rug, that is your option, but know that when you do, life will once again bring you a similar challenge to guide you towards the lesson. The more you ignore the opportunity to find the blessing and the lesson, the more challenges you face. It happened to me countless times over my 13-year healing journey. And over the past few years when I was deep in healing my trauma and feeling a heightened stress response, it was not always easy to slow down and learn from my experiences. But it would have taken exponentially longer to get back here to writing on paper again, had I not learned the lessons, evolved through them, and expressed gratitude for the blessings from each situation.
But exactly, how do you find the blessings and lessons in situations? How do you know when to reflect? The simple fact is everything, even the random things in life have meaning. Everything has a lesson, though some lessons might be expansive and some may be small. How do you slow down and tune in to the lesson? Well, that is easy. Mindfulness, meditation, stretch, sitting in nature, deep breathing, feeling the sensations in your body, clearing your thoughts, star gazing, cloud watching, or any other activity that literally slows down your mind and body enough for you to let go of the to-do lists and just reflect.
Years ago I was faced with health issues that placed me in a predicament with a colleague that gave me a hard time and tried to compromise my career. But a blessing came from that situation at the same time my doctor told me it was critical for my health to leave the bedside and find a different nursing job. At that moment, I was upset, angry, and stressed but when the dust settled it turned out to be in my best interest to move on. And my boss offered me a desk job that eventually turned into a virtual nursing job that gave me an opportunity to really dig deep, write and heal my trauma at home. But had that challenge not come my way, the opportunity would not have come either. You have probably experienced something similar or even heard a story from a friend that also ended in a positive light. That is the blessing and the lesson in the situation.
A friend shared a story with me recently that fits this topic perfectly. Have you ever been offered something that fell through and found out later it was in your best interest? Well this is the story. My friend applied for a job. The company was raving and excited for her to join. But life kept getting in the way. She was on vacation when they wanted to finalize and things just didn’t fall into place. And it turned out that the company froze the position and later laid off the team she was meant to join. If she hadn’t honored her own wishes and enjoyed her vacation, she may have been stuck in a bad situation. But since she slowed down, smelled the roses, and enjoyed her life, everything fell into place.
Have you ever applied for something that wasn’t exactly right for you and later found a different job that was even better? This recently happened to me too. I was eyeing a position to transition into a new role but life and work moved on and it fell off my radar. I spoke to my son about his college prospects and we both agreed we both liked the University of Miami. And the conversation piqued an old interest I had always had to see if there was an opportunity to teach there. And this literally happened like magic. I called an old friend, she sent an email, the next day I had an interview and by the end of the meeting I had the job. It happened over the course of 3 days. But finally, I was getting back in line with the dreams I had before I decided to delve deep into my trauma. After a few weeks I reached out to my friend at the position I had been seeking and it turned out someone was hired and I never got a chance to apply. But had I applied, this teaching opportunity may never have occurred. So follow the current of life. Embrace the challenges. And find the lessons along the way.
The random experiences in life are very interesting and intriguing. And those usually give you quick clues or tips for your next step. Maybe you run into an old friend on the way home when you decide to stop somewhere you never go. And they tell you a story that helps you make a decision later in the day. That was not random. That was God sending you a sign. I literally met a family friend at a distant grocery store and experienced a great conversation about an old trip. And it gave me some insights for an upcoming vacation I was planning.
Maybe you have a crazy puppy like mine that steals your shoes. And she steals 1 new perfect leather sandal and destroys it. And a week later your husband gets you a new pair and your bedroom door is open. And she gets in the closet and grabs a second shoe and destroys it. And after the stress melts, you calm down and you analyze the situation, you realize everything is fine. Because last week she broke the old right shoe. And this week she broke the new left shoe. Leaving you with an interesting set of shoes that look exactly the same. One is old and one is new but they both work the same and look the same. And now you can step forward into your life knowing that even when things are broken, they aren’t always lost, they are not always dreadful and there can be a miracle at the end of the journey.
So the next time your life throws you a curve ball or your body literally stops you in your tracks with a symptom. After the dust settles, the stress clears and the overwhelm fades. Take the time to slow down, reflect on your day, your week, your year, and notice if something good came out of a difficult situation. And maybe next time you won’t fall back into old patterns and let your dog eat your shoes or miss out on a magical opportunity just within your reach.
If you’ve had enough
Of all your tryin’
Just give up
The state of mind you’re in
If you want to be somebody else,
If you’re tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind
“Change Your Mind” by Sister Hazel
____________________
The band Sister Hazel has a lot of great music. Their messages resonate with me often, and the song “Change Your Mind” really stands out as a beacon of light for those who feel they are surrounded by darkness. Sometimes we need that gentle reminder to be somebody else when our current version isn’t serving us.
The band starts out with some “ooooohh, yeah; ooooohh yeah” lyrics to get you into the spirit of the song’s message, and immediately goes down a rabbit hole of how you’ve been dragging and need to change your perspective. My friend Dr. Melissa Hughes talks about reframing a lot and Sister Hazel has it nailed throughout their performance to stress that you are almost always in control of your state of mind. Reframing a situation is one thing; reframing your mind to fit the situation better is an altogether different approach.
But do we really have that kind of control over situations that happen around us?
I have always been a positive person; some might say optimistic to the point of danger to my own psyche. However, all too often I have seen others in my view take something personally and go down a negative spiral when they fully had the option to either brush it off and move on or find some positivity in the situation and keep their head up. Not every situation has an obvious pile of positivity within it, but even in the worst of times we can take pause and see something within the dust and ashes that brings us to a better mindset or teaches us something about how to react in a future similar situation. That “silver lining” thinking is commonly challenged, but I say it’s possible. All the time.
I have used music to solve a lot of my mental challenges in life. I made it through a rather serious medical season a few years ago using songs and positive affirmations, along with a spectacular support network, as my main therapy. At work when I am struggling, I click on my iTunes and find one of the bands that motivate and inspire me to action. Sister Hazel is in that category, with this song at the forefront. (We’ll talk about other songs of theirs another time).
“Have you ever danced in the rain or thanked the sun Just for shining?”
Expressing gratitude for nature and the world around us can be a big part of being naturally brought to a better place emotionally.
The next time you’re feeling down, look around at your surroundings and start a gratitude list. You’ll be amazed at how quickly the problems seem to diminish in your mind.
Thanking the sun for shining sounds so simple, but we often forget how fortunate we are for the basic needs to be met on a regular basis and bring our “first-world problems” to the table instead
“And yeah, you look much better, look much better when you glow.”
If you’re tired of fighting battles with yourself, change your mind. How will you glow today?
Here’s the song if you are not familiar with it:
It’s been a month since I’ve posted, these are reflections I’ve pondered. Do indulge me in musings from the depth of my heart & soul.
I never comprehended attachments were smothering & paralysing me from living my truth!
- Attachment to identities, unhealthy patterns based on past conditioning & beliefs.
- Attachment to my monkey mind, thinking, analysing & creating false illusions.
- Attachment showing up as different personality archetypes or masks, at the slow demise of my soul.
- Attachment to suffering, from self-limiting thoughts, crippling & disempowering me.
- Attachment to expectations from co-dependant relationships & behaviours, revealing my sheer lack of self-love, & self-respect.
- Attachment to seeking external validation, not grasping how to be in acceptance of myself or my gifts.
- Attachment to please, to prove my worth & deep need to belong.
- Attachment to titles or accolades, believing wholeheartedly it would earn me respect.
- Attachment to success, achievement & being competitive, yet feeling empty & unfulfilled!
- Attachment to how I should portray myself on the outside, when inside was ugly & a dysfunctional chaotic scene!
- Attachment to empty goals lacking conviction, intention & purpose.
- Attachment to what people were saying or thinking, yet not listening or speaking gently to myself.
- Attachment to pain, trauma, grief, drama & negativity, not leveraging it to fuel my purpose.
- Attachment to desires & love, only causing disappointment & sadness.
- Attachment to the stories where living life was about surviving not thriving.
- Attachment to guilt & shame, holding on tightly without empathy & compassion for doing the best with what I had.
- Attachment to ego or harsh judgement of self or others, yet not seeing that the mirror is asking us to heed a lesson not yet learned.
- Attachment to anger, resentment or regrets, the decay eating away at the heart.
When does it end one wonders…
Releasing I, Me, Us, or Them allows us to liberate ourselves from these shackles & defilements.
When we finally connect to our unique pure divine essence, we purge, release & detach ourselves from unhealthy pathologies.
Let me know your thoughts; have your attachments served or hindered you?
I‘m Sequoia. I made SLIM SHAKY to give people with Parkinson’s a voice, to spread awareness of life with PD, to show people with Parkinson’s that they’re not alone, and to raise funds for a cure. And I made SLIM SHAKY because I love my mom.
It was years ago that I first said at the family dinner table that I wanted to make a rap music video for my mom, but I meant it as a joke. My mom’s never been into rap music or rapping, and that’s exactly what made it so compelling. Even when I thought of the name “Slim Shaky”, she just smiled and rolled her eyes, but I wasn’t planning on making it happen.
When it came time to make my senior project in college, I realized that with this “Slim Shaky” idea, I had the opportunity to share my mom’s experience of Parkinson’s with the world in an honest and uplifting way. I realized that I could go even bigger and launch a fundraiser to help to cure Parkinson’s. And I realized that I could help make my mom the coolest rapper ever. It was a no-brainer. My mom was unsure at first, but then agreed to help.
This good plan became a great one when I connected with Heather Kennedy, an accomplished and talented Parkinson’s advocate who uses all forms of media to tell the world about PD. I was thrilled when she said she would love to join my mom and become the second rapper in the project, the second Slim Shaky!
I started by talking with my mom and Heather about their experiences with Parkinson’s, and then I wrote lyrics for each of them based on those conversations. From there we were able to hold “studio” sessions to record the rap, and then after plenty of editing, we started filming! Oh yeah, did I mention that Heather lives on the other side of the country? We collaborated entirely online!
After much planning, practicing, rapping, and editing, SLIM SHAKY is here for you to enjoy. As you watch, I hope you learn something, I hope you feel something, and I hope you see all the passion and love that went into it. I truly am so grateful for the incredible energy that my mom and Heather brought to the project, and for everyone who helped make this silly idea come to life.
SLIM SHAKY communicates a message of strength, but it also shows how life with Parkinson’s can really suck. About five million people worldwide are living with this degenerative illness, and there’s no known cure.
The Michael J. Fox Foundation vows to find a cure for Parkinson’s Disease by funding high-impact scientific research.
We’re asking for your generous support so that these five million people can sing, dance, love, and be loved, and maybe even rap, long into the future. It means more than you know.
SUPPORT OUR CAUSE HERE
Sequoia Lowe has since graduated from WCSU and now works in the media industry. He’s thrilled fo the release of SLIM SHAKY as an opportunity to express his love for his mom, spread awareness about life with PD, and raise funds for a cure. “My mom and Heather are incredible,” he says. “It takes so much courage to do this, and they both killed it.”
Relaxing gives us the power of resilience. It enables us to improve our mental capacity, energy, and awareness to make better choices.
A lack of downtime can significantly impact our overall happiness and success. Fatigue (physical and mental) can significantly affect how we feel, act, and believe each day. Therefore, to become a happier, more successful, and more abundant human, you should relax and switch off more.
Whether you have work, family, or personal commitments, we all need to take it upon ourselves to have downtime. It will make us more proactive humans and enable us to sustain a healthier work-responsibility balance.
Here are some practical ways to ensure you get plenty of downtime during your busy lifestyle.
Don’t be afraid to relax doing the things you enjoy mostMany of us might believe that there are specific relaxation techniques to use to help us properly switch off. We might believe it is only possible to truly relax through meditation, yoga, reading, or something similar. However, everyone has different preferences and ways of switching off. Whatever method might work for you, you should take advantage of it.
For example, you might like to use THC products to switch off. If so, invest in products so that you can use them during your downtime to properly enjoy your relaxation period.
You can Buy Delta 9 Products online, so you do not need to leave your home to buy things you can enjoy in private. There are physical stores too. However, access to online products is much easier and more convenient should you wish to invest in products for your downtime.
Use the once-a-week methodIf your schedule is jam-packed and you truly believe it isn’t possible to enjoy downtime every night, try the once-a-week approach. You do not have to schedule downtime daily if you cannot afford to. Some people might struggle to switch off every day. Hence, there is no point in trying.
Should you know that you can only squeeze downtime in once a week or properly switch off once a week, so be it.
Ensure to schedule the relaxation time so that you do not miss out. Choosing a time when you know you have nothing to do and can enjoy your downtime is wise. For instance, this could be a Friday evening after you finish work. You will know you won’t have many things to think about and do. Instead, you can unwind and relax when you are too busy and need a break.
Eliminate distractionsMany of us might struggle to unwind properly and switch off during busy periods due to having too many distractions. There is no use in meditating each morning with your work phone busy beside you. Likewise, there is no use in trying to take a leisurely and relaxing walk if you have an energetic dog on the lead pulling you along.
Whatever you find distracts you from switching off, eliminate it. It might not always be possible to avoid daily distractions and noise. But being proactive about eliminating distractions will help you switch off as much as possible when you do so.
Write daily listsFor those with hectic schedules; it can be beneficial to write daily task lists so that you can ensure to finish everything you need to before switching off. There is no worse feeling than heading upstairs to meditate, read, and unwind and soon realizing you haven’t sent an email or washed the dishes.
Writing lists will hold you accountable for the daily commitments you need to finish before you can switch off your brain and focus on yourself. You could write the list the night before or each morning to ensure you have everything is written down you need to do before pushing through with a busy day.
Get plenty of sleepThere is nothing more distracting and uninspiring than a lack of sleep. Fatigue will knock you back and take it out of you. So much so you might not feel inspired enough to read, meditate, practice yoga, or unwind in other ways at the end of the day. You might not have the mental capacity to switch off and take time for yourself properly.
Therefore, plenty of sleep will ensure you maintain a healthy and abundant work-life balance.
Each person should aim for 7 to 9 hours each night. If you are someone that gets less sleep than this, it could be a great time to introduce a new routine. There is no use in getting into bed late and trying to get plenty of sleep. You will need to be proactive about your rituals and ensure you unwind before bed and get in bed earlier.
Should this mean you cannot watch TV in the evening, so be it. Your sleep should be a priority, as a lack of sleep will massively impact how you feel and perform each day. With more sleep, you will feel more inspired and motivated to take good care of yourself. It will ensure you can complete your daily tasks and have plenty of time to unwind.
Take regular breaks more often than you might usuallyAlthough it can seem more productive to take extended breaks away from work and other life stresses, it can be as productive and effective to take regular (shorter) breaks.
For example, if you try to push through every workday without a long lunch break, you will soon reach a stage of burnout. Yes, the long week off on the beach will feel great, but you might not feel efficiently energized. Regular breaks away from your tasks can help your mind reset and your focus increase. Taking 10 minutes away from your screen, homework, or chores every hour to get fresh air will help you reenergize and feel more centered at the end of each busy day. Avoiding burnout with this technique will ensure you can efficiently switch off when you feel you want or need to.
Christmas may be done and dusted for another year, but it won’t be all that long before we’re in the middle of another holiday. Easter isn’t too far away, after all. Plus, there are always those birthdays and other events which can feel like a holiday. While holidays can be fun and enjoyable, there’s always a chance that things go a little off-piste and end up not being quite as fun as they could be. While this isn’t always avoidable, there are normally things you can do that’ll ensure you can thrive throughout the whole holiday rather than just on day one!
Make a Plan
It’s easy to just think that everything will take care of itself once you’re off work and everyone is together. However, while that attitude will take care of the first day or two, by day three, you may be scraping the barrel for things to do. It’s a good idea to have a loose plan for all the things that you’d like you and your family to do during the holidays. Maybe you could have a nice dinner one day, a nice walk in nature another, and visit extended family on another? The plan doesn’t have to be set in stone, but it’ll help to give the holidays some shape.
Wrap Up Everything Beforehand
If there’s one thing that’ll dampen your enjoyment of a holiday, it’s worrying that you have a lot of work to return to. Or, even worse, having to do work when you should be relaxing. It might be difficult, but it’s recommended to try to wrap up as much work as possible before you finish work for the holiday, even if it means working a bit longer than usual. This won’t just benefit the days you spend with your family but will also allow you to return to work fully refreshed once you’re back in the office.
Set Up Entertainment
Even if you do have some things planned for the time you’re off work, there’ll still be plenty of downtime. And that can be exhausting if you continually have to come up with ways to entertain your children. As such, it’s a good idea to do some prep beforehand, so you always have some entertainment to fall back on when there’s nothing else to do. There are plenty of Christmas and Easter movies for kids that will help to keep them entertained during those holidays, for instance. If it’s not a religious holiday, then simply having a list of family-friendly movies or board games will do the trick.
Get Everyone Involved
You’ll be wishing for life to get back to normal as soon as possible if you’re the only one putting in any effort and doing all the work. So make sure that everyone is pitching in. After all, holidays are a time for families to come together, and it’s not far that just one or two people should be in charge of everything! Share the responsibility, and it’ll all be easier — and there’ll be fewer arguments, too.
Whatever you plan to achieve in this new year, a clear and positive mindset will be the most valuable tool at your disposal. Unfortunately, we are living in very stressful times, which is why you must make a conscious effort to put things right.
It’s very easy to fall into the trap of focusing on the wrong goals. Learn to prioritize the following ideas below, and you won’t go far wrong.
Count Your Blessings
First and foremost, it’s imperative that you snap yourself out of any inferiority complex you’ve built in your mind. It is a very common issue in modern life, not least thanks to the fake lives presented on social media. Striving for improvements in your life is great, but it is also worth taking the time to write down the things you are thankful for.
It can be a source of immense comfort during difficult times. Likewise, positivity provides mental reassurance and resilience as you target new goals.
Redirect Your Sense Of Value
Your personal journey is immensely important. Still, appreciating yourself in the wider context of this world and the beauty of life can make a huge impact. For some, it means embracing a higher power and living a life that appreciates the Day of the Lord. For others, it’s simply about being thankful for being alive at this time.
Whether you are spiritual or not, appreciating the history that led to your life can make trivial life issues feel far less dramatic. Besides, it can guide you to better habits.
Reconnect With Nature
In addition to appreciating the past and future, it’s vital that you live in the present. Reconnecting with nature can mean taking nature hikes, creating a greener home, or exploring the world is up to you. Either way, it is sure to give you an appreciation of your life within the wider context of our beautiful world.
Better still, spending more time outside can boost your physical and mental wellness. An eco-friendly lifestyle also means you’ll preserve the world for future generations.
Reconnect With People
While a love of the natural world can work wonders for your mindset, it’s people who hold the key to your happiness. Making the call to reconnect with someone you’ve lost contact with. Or to end the distant vibes of having friendships over instant messages works well. Likewise, forgiveness is often the key to setting your mind free as well as theirs.
Otherwise, the sense of guilt will continue to take a toll. Besides, a winning support network will inevitably inspire you to achieve more and generally feel happier in daily life.
Forgive Yourself
Forgiving others, unless they’ve done something unforgivable, is one thing. However, holding a grudge against yourself is undoubtedly the biggest danger to your ongoing mental health. You cannot change the past. The psychological process of forgiving past mistakes will set you free. Whether you do it alone or with help from an expert.
Aside from unlocking a better relationship with yourself, it allows you to give the best version of yourself to friends and family. Perfect.
Find Balance
A lack of balance in life is one of the main reasons that an increasing number of people struggle to achieve inner peace. Joshua Osenga said: “balance is a feeling derived from being whole and complete; it’s a sense of harmony. It is essential to maintaining quality in life and work.” Balancing your time, especially between work and leisure is crucial.
Finding hobbies that can be enjoyed alone or with friends can be a great choice. If nothing else, it will counteract the stressful moments in life to unlock a peaceful state of mind.
Address The Stress
If you are regularly stressed, identifying the cause is a vital step to overcoming the issue. When your finances are in poor health, you must take the time to get organized in this sense. Even if it means that there is a long journey ahead, the knowledge that you are on a positive pathway can make a world of difference.
Similarly, it could mean that you need to cut ties with bad people or look for a new job. Restoring your happiness and peace of mind will unlock huge rewards.
Record Your Progress
If you’ve started a new year’s resolution, the likelihood is that you will abandon it before the end of February. However, you can increase your hopes of success by recording and celebrating your progress. Using the Influencive guide to tracking goals and progres will put you back on the right path. You should also remain more mentally engaged.
By tracking the progress, you will also begin to enjoy the journey rather than just the destination. If that doesn’t inspire you to make a change, nothing will.
One note does not make a symphony; one artist does not make an orchestra, but one phone call can make a world of difference.
–Matshona Dhliwayo
It’s time to make that call. Life is busy and full of competing priorities. And many of us just aren’t that good at exhaling for a moment, realizing what’s really important, and taking the first step. So let’s rise above the chaos, the distractions, the excuses, and come out from behind the texting with the kindness of an actual phone call. Not a planned one. An unexpected/surprise one.
Of course, it might be awkward, uncontrolled, and unscripted. Do it anyway. Reach out. Reconnect. Everyone will appreciate it, and someone in each of our social circles really needs it. They need to know at this moment that someone is thinking of them. They need to know that most things can get better and that they don’t have to go through it alone. And before you hang up, and no matter what you discuss, please take the opportunity to close with two simple but ever so powerful words: YOU MATTER.
So, stop what you’re doing and make that call right now. Not sometime later, not tomorrow, not next week, but right now. You’ll be glad you did. Because it matters. Because everyone matters. Who knows? —it may become habit-forming. And PLEASE come back and share your experience in our Comments section below.
As you age, it becomes increasingly important to take measures to protect ourselves from harm. For independent senior citizens, this means being aware of the risks and taking steps to stay safe. This blog post will discuss some safety tips for those who choose to live life on their own terms!
1) Know your surroundingsThe most important safety tip for an independent senior citizen is to know your surroundings. Before engaging in any activity, make sure you are familiar with the location and understand what the risks may be. Be aware of who, or what, is around you at all times. If you are going out for a walk, jog or bike ride, know the route ahead of time and stick to it. Take notice of unfamiliar people or vehicles that seem out of place; if necessary, call someone to provide support when outside your home.
2) Protect yourself against fallsFalls are among the most common injuries experienced by seniors living on their own. Make sure to use assistive aids such as canes or walkers when needed and keep stairways and other walking surfaces free of potential hazards like rugs, cords and toys. Keep a home safety kit with items such as grab bars and non-slip mats handy to make your environment safer. In addition, consider care alarms for an emergency, as well as taking classes on balance training or yoga to help improve coordination and flexibility.
3) Stay connectedWith modern technology developments, staying connected with family members has become easier than ever before. Take advantage of video chat features such as Skype or Facetime, which allow you to stay in touch with loved ones without having to leave the house. You can also invest in medical alert systems that will provide you access to emergency help at a moment’s notice if necessary.
4) Invest in security measuresIf living alone, it’s important to invest in security measures to help keep your home and property safe. Install window and door locks that are easy to use but difficult for intruders to break into. Make sure smoke alarms and carbon monoxide detectors are functional at all times. Finally, consider installing an alarm system with motion sensors or cameras for extra protection.
5) Create a plan of actionIn the event of an emergency, make sure you have a plan of action in place so you know exactly what steps you need to take. Keep emergency contact information handy, such as phone numbers or addresses of family members and friends who can be contacted quickly if needed. In addition, keep copies of important documents like insurance cards and contact information for healthcare providers readily available.
By following these safety tips, independent senior citizens can stay safe and enjoy their freedom in the comfort of their own home. With a little bit of planning and preparation, seniors living on their own will be better equipped to handle any challenge or emergency that comes their way.
Marie Helweg-Larsen, Dickinson College**
The holidays often involve jubilant gift exchanges, renewed connections with family and friends, and treasured traditions.
But the love and cheer can also be accompanied by a host of stressors – chaotic travel, conflicts over COVID-19 preventive measures, difficult dinner conversations with relatives, and worries about affording and finding holiday gifts. This stress can worsen your mental and physical health. Research even finds that mortality is higher than normal during the holidays.
How can you best find a balance during the holidays so that you are fulfilled instead of frazzled?
Perhaps you can find balance by taking a few cultural cues from the Danes. Denmark, despite its winters that can be cold and gloomy, is full of people who consistently rank among the happiest in the world. As a native Dane and a psychologist, I’ll often point to Danish words that can cultivate well-being. These words can be used at any time of the year, but I think a couple are particularly useful for navigating the stress of the holidays.
Going above and beyondUnderstanding the Danish word “overskud” can help you find more balance during a period of joy and competing commitments. “Overskud” is a noun that roughly means “excess.” In an economic context it means profit, but in everyday speech it’s used to refer to having the energy, willingness, or resources to tackle a task or a problem. Having overskud is generally viewed as a good thing – you might go the extra mile at work, plan an elaborate holiday party, find extra thoughtful presents or volunteer at your child’s school.
Danes sometimes combine the noun with other nouns so that you might say that you can make an “overskuds-breakfast” – a fancy breakfast of omelettes, bacon, coffee and french toast. Or you might be an overskuds-dad – the dad who decorates cookies with his kids and their friends. Although it might seem a bit like bragging to say one has overskud, Danes react to people describing having overskud with authentic applause and support. After all, who wouldn’t want to have extra energy and bandwidth to tackle life?
Some Danish therapists maintain that having more overskud can lead you to experience more contentment, calm, and presence.
Your energy isn’t boundlessAnd yet the holidays can sometimes demand overskud in a number of different areas: Food should be healthy but also fit everyone’s preferences and expectations. Presents should be thoughtful and affordable. Elaborate decorations must come up and go down.
How do you balance it all?Any psychologist will tell you that maintaining healthy boundaries is associated with better mental health. Importantly, the word overskud is also used to clearly communicate when people cannot tackle an event, task or obligation.
Instead of saying “I’m swamped,” a Dane might say they don’t have enough “overskud” to go to a party or meet for a glass of gløgg, a mulled Christmas wine. It’s basically a shorthand way to say, in a nonjudgmental way, that something sounds like fun, and you would love to do it, but you simply don’t have the energy. Danes also use a verb that’s related to overskud, which is a noun. They will say that they cannot “overskue” something – organizing a family holiday event, planning a trip or deep-cleaning the house.
Often, activities that are meant to be fun and invigorating, like going to a holiday party on a weeknight or buying presents for a fundraiser, still require a fair amount effort. If your store of energy is empty and you’d rather just stay home in your PJs, you might say “I just cannot overskue doing it.”
Essentially, the Danes use the words overskud and overskue to say, “No,” and there’s an unspoken understanding that it’s nothing personal. Saying “no” to some things will give you the time and energy to say “yes” to others, so you can tackle the holidays with vigor and cheer – and be that overskud party planner, cookie decorator or gift giver, should you wish to do so.
The importance of ‘pyt’People might want their vision for the holidays to go off without a hitch. But reality often smacks people in the face: rude strangers, long lines, decoration disasters, out-of-stock toys, piles of dirty dishes, screaming children, and resentful relatives.
You can practice letting go of holiday-related frustrations by simply saying the Danish word “pyt,” which is pronounced like “pid.” Pyt is similar to saying “oh, well” or “stuff happens” and is used to let go of minor frustrations, hassles, or mistakes. Danes might say about their own behavior “pyt, I didn’t do a great job wrapping that present.” Or they might say “pyt” when they sense someone else’s disappointment: “pyt, those cookies do look a bit funny, but they’re still delicious.”
Pyt is about accepting that things won’t go exactly as planned, and embracing that fact.
Having very high personal standards is a predictor of poor coping skills and a poor ability to deal with daily stressors. Moreover, stress can be mitigated by accepting imperfection as a healthy and normal part of life.
Another way to get to pyt is to focus on what really counts. Is this long line at the mall really worth ruining your day? Or is it a minor annoyance that will soon be forgotten?
Perhaps you can take a moment while waiting to think about some of the things you’re thankful for or remind yourself that you’re OK. Research shows that self-reflection and self-compassion together are particularly effective in reducing stress. Moreover, self-compassion can lead to acceptance of both your own and other people’s flaws.
One of the benefits of holiday stress – compared to unexpected stress – is that you can anticipate it. You’ve been here before. If you don’t try to do it all and don’t expect everything to go according to plan, you may just end up having your best holiday yet.
Marie Helweg-Larsen, Professor of Psychology, the Glenn E. & Mary Line Todd Chair in the Social Sciences, Dickinson College
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
Work is a big part of people’s life and unfortunately for a large portion of people, they are overworked and struggle with their mental health because of their jobs. This could be for a variety of reasons like overworking, being burnt out, bad management or simply not being appreciated and respected in your job. Especially over the pandemic period a lot of people struggled with their mental health a lot worse than normal and struggled more in their roles if they were working through the pandemic for example. Maintaining your mental health at work can be difficult as you may feel so busy you can’t stop to let yourself breathe for a moment but it can be done and it must be done. Here are some different ways to help you protect your mental health at work.
Take Regular BreaksWhen you are sitting at a computer all day a lot of recommendations state you should have time away from the screen every hour, but a lot of people don’t implement this. This would be a great way to start, just simply go to the toilet, go get a drink or just go outside for a breather for 5 minutes then return feeling fresh and calm. It is also important when you are at work all day to take your full lunch break and not to work through it, you don’t always get paid for it and it helps break up your day. You can do one better by also making sure that you go off-site on your lunch and move away from the office, then you don’t have people asking you questions on your lunch or sitting at your desk eating your lunch and replying to emails. Take a walk, meet a friend for lunch and just take time to be with yourself.
Have A Good Work And Life BalanceThis is another important element to incorporate into your life, you want to work to live not live to work. Be sure to finish on time, whatever you haven’t managed to finish in your scheduled work day will still be there tomorrow for you to do. By giving yourself this discipline you are making sure that you have enough free time to enjoy life, look after yourself and spend time with loved ones rather than just working yourself into the grave. Be sure to use all of your holiday days as well, sometimes if you don’t use them you can lose that time so if you don’t need to book it for anything in particular just use it for a day off and you can have a day to yourself to focus on your self-care and feeling refreshed for when you return to work.
Get The Right Support At WorkWhen you do face difficulties in the workplace or in general with your mental health your workplace must be aware as they should be trying to help you with this. You can start with your line manager, once they know what is going on they can see if your workplace can offer anything to help like counselling on-site, help with costs for therapy or offering some mental health days so you can get your head straight. If you find that they are not being very helpful then you can try different departments like human resources or unions. There are lots of unions out there and some are tailored to specific jobs and the issues people face like discrimination, poor pay and work-related mental health issues, so if you work in the construction industry see if there is a specific construction union you can join or if you work in a grocery store see if there is a grocery union you can join for example.
Make Sure You Are Looking After YourselfMental and physical health while different can sometimes be interlinked, so if you start looking after your physical body you may see some improvements in your mental health as well. The body is a complex and intertwined system so looking after yourself as a whole should be what you strive to achieve. There are some simple things you can do to help yourself with this. One of them is to make sure you are eating right, fill up your plate with lots of fruits and vegetables and nutritional foods which will aid your body. Filling your body with junk and processed foods will only make it feel worse and also means it won’t be getting the goodness it needs to function in the best way.
Stress has become a normal part of the modern condition, so much so that it is now accepted and acceptable, but it can severely harm our health and quality of life. If your life feels overly stressful, make sure you have a range of strategies to decompress and find your balance again.
Practice MindfulnessMindfulness means awareness. It is the awareness of the breath, the body, the surroundings, and the workings of the mind. Everybody has this awareness, but most of us live inside our thinking minds much of the time, which is why we tend to feel stressed even when on our own.
Practicing mindfulness can help us to decompress after a stressful time, but it can also help us to navigate a stressful time with present-moment awareness. If you are thinking about the past and the future quite a lot, take some time to focus on your breathing or try repeating a mantra.
Unwind in the BathA bath is one of the best ways to decompress because it requires some time and dedication to set up and then enjoy. Unlike a shower, where you can hop in and out quite quickly, a bath needs to run for a while, giving you time to choose your favorite bubbles and scented candles.
There’s nothing wrong with being indulgent when it comes to bath time; in fact, that is what a bath is all about. Some people like to relax in other ways, like using cannabis products, but if you want to clear the smell of cannabis and decompress, it’s best to use candles for smokers.
Open a JournalJournal writing is one of the best ways to decompress after a stressful time. Instead of thinking things through and getting carried away emotionally, journal writing allows you to put down your thoughts and feelings in a controlled way leading to calmness and insights into the situation.
Journaling is an excellent way to decompress; it helps to create a gap between your ruminating thoughts and the way you feel about the events in your life. The process of writing can also be a meditation that generates new ideas and ways of thinking creatively about the stresses in life.
Create Do Nothing TimeRunning a bath is an activity in itself; you have to think about it and create the right conditions to relax for a while, but you don’t need hot running water for this; you can create some dedicated do-nothing time in which to relax and decompress. Again, it’s about setting up the conditions.
If you want to keep your phone switched on for a timer, perhaps, at least turn off your messages and notifications so you are not disturbed. Create a space that is comfortable, and make sure you have all the things to hand that will allow you to relax, decompress, and be more creative.
Nature WalkingLike mindfulness, nature walking is both free and effective. Walking in nature is one of the best ways to reduce the stress you experience and connect with a more expansive awareness. Country parks are an excellent place for some nature walking, and so are the local mountains.
Parents are always looking for ways to ensure their child’s mental health and wellbeing. Keeping your child’s mind healthy and sharp is no different, as it requires nurturing and encouragement from you. As a parent, it can be difficult to find the time to dedicate to such activities, but it is important that you make an effort to keep your child mentally fit.
Here Are Some Great Ways To Nurture Your Child’s Mind:1. Read together:
Teaching reading is one of the best forms of exercise for the brain. It helps stimulate creativity, teaches problem-solving skills, increases vocabulary and comprehension skills, and creates a strong bond between parent and child when reading together. Set aside at least 15 minutes a day for reading with your child, and make sure to model the behavior of reading yourself.
2. Encourage physical activity:
Physical exercise is just as important for keeping a young mind sharp as it is for keeping their body healthy. Not only does physical activity increase blood flow to the brain, but it also releases hormones that help you focus and concentrate better. So find activities that your child enjoys doing, like running around in the park or swimming at the pool, and make sure you get involved too!
3. Provide stimulating toys:
Stimulating toys can be great tools to keep your child’s mind active and engaged. Look for puzzles, blocks, books, and building sets with an educational slant that encourages creativity and problem-solving skills. Try to pick toys that will challenge your child and help them learn new things, as well as keep their stimulating curiosity alive.
4. Encourage exploration:
Children are naturally curious and eager to explore the world around them. You can encourage this by taking your child outdoors on nature walks or field trips to museums, zoos, and other places of interest. This helps to expose children to different cultures, history, and science in a fun way that encourages learning.
5. Make time for creative outlets:
Creative activities such as drawing, painting, writing stories, or playing musical instruments are great ways to exercise your child’s mind without feeling like it is a chore or a school assignment. These activities help develop imagination, promote self-expression, and provide great outlets for stress relief.
6. Develop tech-savvy skills:
Technology is an integral part of people’s lives today, and it’s important that children are able to utilize these tools properly as they get older. Encourage your children to use technology for learning purposes, such as researching topics online or creating presentations and other digital projects. Not only will they be learning valuable skills, but they’ll also be able to keep their minds sharp as they explore new ideas and concepts.
7. Play games:
Games can be great tools for teaching problem-solving and critical thinking skills while also providing a fun way of bonding with your children. Look for board games or card games that require strategy and logic, such as chess or Sudoku, or even create family game nights where you come up with your own rules. Not only will it help maintain your child’s mental acuity, but it will also give them something to look forward to every week!
Dry eye is a condition that affects millions of Americans. It occurs when the eyes do not produce enough tears or when the tears are not of the right consistency to keep the eyes lubricated and healthy. This can lead to symptoms like redness, irritation, pain, and fatigue. In extreme cases, it can even lead to vision problems.
So, what increases the likelihood of getting dry eye? First, we look at the most common risk factors for developing the condition.
Age
One of the most significant risk factors for dry eye is age. As we age, our bodies produce fewer tears. This is due to a decrease in tear-secreting glands and changes in the composition of our tears. People over 50 are, therefore, more likely to experience dry eye symptoms. While there is no cure for dry eye, several treatments can help alleviate the symptoms. For example, artificial tears and ointments can lubricate the eyes, and special contact lenses can reduce evaporation. In severe cases, advanced procedures such as OptiLight Lumenis and surgery may be necessary to repair damaged tear ducts.
Gender
Women are generally more prone to dry eye than men due to hormonal changes. Women may experience worse symptoms during pregnancy or when taking birth control pills. Certain medications, such as antihistamines, can also contribute to dry eye in women.
Smoking and alcohol consumption
Smoking and alcohol consumption are two additional risk factors for dry eye syndrome. Smoking increases inflammation and decreases tear production, while heavy drinking has been linked to decreased tear quality. It’s important for those who smoke or drink heavily to be aware of the potential risks and take steps to reduce their risk.
Certain medical conditions
Dry eye is also more common in people who suffer from certain health conditions like rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, lupus, thyroid disorders, and Sjögren’s syndrome. These conditions can cause inflammation that interferes with tear production. Some medications used to treat these conditions, such as antihistamines, decongestants, beta-blockers, antidepressants, and certain birth control pills, can also contribute to dry eye by reducing tear production.
Environmental factors
Several environmental factors can contribute to dry eye, including wind, smoke, dry air during winter, long periods of staring at computer screens or other digital devices, and being in an airplane for extended periods. People who live in desert climates or at high altitudes are also more likely to experience dry eye because of the lack of moisture in the air.
Wearing contact lenses
Another factor that can increase the likelihood of developing dry eye is wearing contact lenses. This is because contacts can absorb tears and prevent them from reaching the cornea, the eye’s outermost layer. In addition, wearing contacts for long periods or overnight can increase the risk for dry eye syndrome because it gives your eyes less time to recover, thus producing fewer tears overall.
Final thoughts
Although some people are more prone to experiencing dry eye, the risk factors are largely preventable or manageable with appropriate treatment. If you are at risk for dry eyes, it’s important to talk to your doctor about treatments that may help you find relief from your symptoms.
There is a great quote by Henri Frederick Amiel that reads: “Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.”
It is as true when it was written as it is today. With the focus to keep up with the latest trends, fades, and all things popular, we often can lose sight of our true selves in the process. From the time we are young, people are telling us what to think, what to wear, what to do, who to be…. The list is endless. After all that, it’s little wonder people have no idea who they really are and what they really want.
In order to fulfill your true passion and your calling here on Earth, you need to know who you really are.
You need to know what you truly value, what you are passionate about, and how you can translate that into letting your vocation become your vacation. Otherwise, you will find yourself at the same dead-end job complaining about it 5 years down the road. The more you complain about the problems in your life, the more problems you will bring back to yourself plus more.
When you make it your mission to live authentically without apologizing for who you really are deep down, the more liberated you will feel. When you stop apologizing for being you and living for other people, the more freedom you get in return. You will also tend to notice that people who “get you” will gravitate toward you. And those who ‘don’t get you,’ will be steered clear of you. Once you are clear with who you are and what you want, the universe will take care of bringing those people, situations, and circumstances to you to fulfill your destiny.
The sooner you can figure out who you really are… the better. The world is waiting for you to step into your light. We need to hear your story, buy your product, or get your service. But if you keep it hidden for fear of rejection, the rest of the world suffers.
I can help coach you if you need help finding your inner passion and desire or if you have a story to share with the world.
As you may know, I am ALL ABOUT the HAPPY—even when it doesn’t seem to be there…even when ALL we may feel is Sadness, Fear, Pain, Anger, or just Flat out CRAPPY!!!
And this is not to say that we shouldn’t feel Sadness, Fear, Pain, or Anger—they are Amazing Emotions to be expressed and embraced as part of the Human Experience!!! I merely wish to show that HAPPINESS can be present AT THE SAME time as these feelings, found at the opposite end of the emotional spectrum, and that our external circumstances don’t dictate our joy. By looking inside ourselves, we can FIND THE HAPPY IN THE CRAPPY!!!
I offer up some tools when speaking of this, that can up-level our hearts and help us FIND THE HAPPY IN CRAPPY: (1) Honesty, (2) Gratitude, (3) Self-Love, (4) Acceptance, and (5) Patience.
The very first time I realized these tools were so helpful in allowing me to see through the shit and find my joy, was when I lost many physical and mental faculties, and eventually the ability to walk. Embracing these tools sequentially—the process of “Becoming Chronically Fabulous”, as I’ve come to call it—has enabled me to FIND THE HAPPY IN THE CRAPPY in all of my shitty situations, especially my flare-ups.
Until recently…
This flare-up, which started mid-October, (right after seeing my doctor about a burning, red rash that randomly was appearing on my face) has thrown me—physically, energetically, and emotionally.
I have gone through my process: (1) have gotten completely HONEST with myself and laid out the shit—acknowledged the symptoms I have been having and how I have felt about them, (2) have found my pieces of GRATITUDE (my things to celebrate) which have been keeping me grounded and centered as I’ve begun digging through the shit, (3) have granted me the SELF-LOVE and permission to feel all the feels when processing the shit, (4) have ACCEPTED all of the shit and have allowed myself to stay there as long as necessary to process…I’ve been leaning into all of what I’ve been feeling about my flare and about myself…I’ve been talking with my therapist every two weeks about the things that have been bothering me, the stuff I need to let go of, and the “aha” moments I’ve discovered, and (5) have been trying to be as PATIENT as possible and have been choosing to see the GOOD and the HAPPY as it pops out randomly in this shitty experience.
Overall, I’ve been quite calm, positive, and able to recognize the HAPPY bits over the past month or so. But something has been nagging at me, and I haven’t been able to put my finger on it. I haven’t been able to quite shake it.
Have I not been completely honest with myself???…
Am I not allowing myself the time, space, and grace to process???
Over the course of the past two weeks, the Universe has decided to speak—answering these questions through various signs. My horoscopes, Oracle cards being pulled for the collective in FB groups to which I belong, headlines for emails, podcast episodes that I’ve been listening to, random articles being shared in my social feed, and healing sessions in which I’ve been taking part—ALL have been telling me to let go, to not be afraid, to move forward with courage, etc…I have obviously been in need of a perspective shift, but I have not been able to figure it out for the life of me.
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And then a personal encounter with a stranger…
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I met a woman in the bathroom, as she was coming from the handicapped stall, for which I was waiting. She glanced at me in my wheelchair and then apologized for using the stall, saying “I only use this when my Rheumatoid Arthritis acts up”…she then proceeded to speak of how her aches and pains were intensified by the cold, wet weather and she wondered if the same went for me—as if she knew what I was going through.
We struck up a conversation about our various health conditions. I couldn’t believe the similar experiences we shared, not only physically, but also emotionally and energetically—we were so much aligned, it was as if I were having a conversation with myself.
A few things differed, however. She was a great deal older than I was and she had pretty much EVERY Rheumatological disorder in the book—many of which are quite a possibility for me, given the symptoms I have been experiencing lately. I was frankly blown away by how highly she was functioning, given all of her ailments. I mean she apologized to me for using the handicapped stall, for God’s sake!!! And I was in complete awe of her JOY and HAPPINESS despite her crappy situation.
And then it all became clear—all the signs seemed to connect and converge on this very moment. That thing of which I was afraid and needed to let go, in order to move forward, was staring me right in the face.
It was all about being honest with myself and needing to acknowledge a fear, only this fear was unknown to me until now.
I was not afraid of the potential “what if’s” of my symptoms—there’s a fifty-fifty chance of EVERYTHING either happening or not happening, and I will deal with whichever circumstance as it arises. I was, however, doubting how I would deal with said circumstances—and that scared the shit out of me.
I was afraid of my self-doubt and that was the fear of which I needed to let go. I knew I had gotten through way more difficult situations than what I could be facing and it was killing me that I was doubting my ability and my inner strength.
However, meeting that woman in the bathroom, the one with ALL of the shitty rheumatological circumstances, assuaged my fear of self-doubt. Because we were soooo much alike—in our determination, playfulness, hopefulness, zest for life, and our ability to find JOY when bringing HAPPINESS to others—it reignited the flame in my heart that I could thrive and be HAPPY, regardless of my external situations…And for that I was forever grateful!!!
So not only has my fear of self-doubt been alleviated—which has thankfully stopped that nagging sensation that’s been creeping up to thwart my inner calm, peace, and HAPPINESS—but I’ve also gained some more insight into my process of FINDING THE HAPPY IN THE CRAPPY…
“Becoming Chronically Fabulous” and embracing the tools of HONESTY, GRATITUDE, SELF-LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, and PATIENCE—in order to look within to create our HAPPY—is not always a sequential process, as I had previously thought.
This flare-up has taught me that my method can be cyclical and non-linear.
Depending upon how long our various shitty circumstances plague us, we may need to repeat using the tools of finding inner calm, peace, and joy numerous times. For instance, I had gone through the process of each tool to the best of my conscious ability, only to find that there was an unknown fear that I later needed to honestly acknowledge—signaling the need for the process of “Becoming Chronically Fabulous” to repeat itself.
Also, the tools can be used in a non-linear fashion. In this recent scenario, the order of the tools used happened to be: (1) Patience, (2) Self-Love, (3) Acceptance, (4) Honesty, and (5) Gratitude.
The Universe had been speaking to me for a while and I needed to be PATIENT that all would be revealed. When the dots had connected and I had met the stranger in the bathroom, I permitted myself all the feels (SELF-LOVE) and processed all the signs (ACCEPTANCE). That eventually led to the realization of my fear of self-doubt and the importance of acknowledging it (HONESTY). After all, was said and done, the encounter with the woman in the bathroom left me feeling nothing but GRATITUDE!!!
So, as the Universe has spoken to me over the last few weeks, I have had great perspective shifts in my physical being as well as in my thoughts regarding FINDING THE HAPPY IN THE CRAPPY.
It isn’t always that we are in denial or purposely avoiding our fears—sometimes we don’t know they exist and they just need some time (or some help from the Universe) to come into the light.
FINDING THE HAPPY IN THE CRAPPY is an evolving process and as new shitty situations present themselves, they seem to shed new light. The tools of HONESTY, GRATITUDE, SELF-LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, and PATIENCE are quite effective when going inside ourselves to search for calm, peace, and joy—leading to fabulous results, regardless of external forces. In effect, calling the process by which we embrace said tools “Becoming Chronically Fabulous” seems to be a good fit…
To sum things up, as the Universe Speaks, monumental changes can happen in our physical and mental states…the question is—Are we listening???
We’ve all experienced disappointments and difficulties. No matter how hard we wish things would just go our way, sometimes we face the potholes and detours of life. What makes some people fall apart, sink into depression, or even spiral out of control when faced with adversity while others can bounce back stronger than ever?
Scientists have been exploring this question for decades, and as it turns out, it all boils down to how your brain perceives and handles stress. The kinds of emotional and behavioral characteristics they’ve used to describe a “stress-resilient” person–optimism, a strong social support system, having a purpose in life – aren’t surprising. But more recently, they have begun to examine the neurobiological mechanisms of resilience. The new question is: Do resilient brains look different? Although the research into the neuroscience of resilience is relatively new, scientists say YES!
Although the exact definition of resilience is still subject to debate, the most used working definition of resilience is the ability to achieve a successful outcome in the face of adversity.
Resilience is not a trait that you either have or don’t have. It includes behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed. Over time, those cognitive functions change the brain. When you break it down, resilience is a neuroplastic process.
Resilient brains look differentNeurologically, resilience is what enables us to mitigate many stress-induced changes, specifically the activity and connectivity of the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex — the brain’s fear, memory, mood, and executive control centers.
Resilient people have higher activity levels in the left prefrontal cortex – the region of the brain responsible for emotional responses, mood regulation, and meaning-making. Dr. Richard Davidson, a pioneering resilience researcher, maintains that “the amount of activation in the left prefrontal region of a resilient person can be thirty times that in someone who is not resilient.”
In addition, the connectivity between the left prefrontal region and the amygdala – the threat detection center of the brain that activates the fight, flight, or freeze response – also predicts resilience. Using MRI technology, Davidson discovered that the amount of white matter (axons connecting neurons) between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala is an accurate indicator of how resilient someone is. Greater connectivity between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala reduces the intensity of feelings by enabling us to name emotions. Being able to name what we’re feeling calms the amygdala and allows us to process the adversity more rationally. Being able to explain adversity is one of the most important factors in developing resilience.
Resilient people think differentlyOne of the most significant longitudinal resilience studies followed a group of 700 children in Kauai, Hawaii from birth through their 30s. Developmental psychologist, Emmy Werner sought to determine identify what factors helped children develop resilience. Werner found social supports such as strong relationships with trusted adults like coaches, teachers, or mentors had a significant impact.
But she also found that other factors were psychological traits. One had remarkable predictive power. Werner found that resilient kids tended to have an “internal locus of control.” They believed that their choices and efforts had more influence over their lives than their circumstances. On a test that measured locus of control, they scored more than two standard deviations higher than non-resilient kids.
Martin Seligman’s early research with dogs demonstrated the powerful influences of learned helplessness and optimism. Seligman discovered that when the dogs accepted there was nothing they could do to avoid getting shocked they gave up even when the circumstances changed while the dogs who had control over their circumstances learned how to adapt. Both Seligman and Werner found evidence that one’s optimism and the perception of control are essential ingredients for resilience.
Further research has identified other factors that determine how well people adapt and bounce back from adversity. How we view the world and engage with others significantly influences how well we adapt to adversity. The good news is that resilience can be cultivated and strengthened. Here are four simple ways to do that:
- Nurture healthy social connections.
Good relationships with close family members, friends or others are important. Belonging to a community or group in which you both give and receive support is one of the best ways to cultivate optimism and strengthen one’s internal locus of control. Take inventory or those connections that are not healthy or positive and be intentional about how much influence they have on you.
- Regularly set realistic goals and develop a plan to reach them.
Identify small steps you can take to move you closer to where you want to be. Integrating small but beneficial behaviors into your daily routine (i.e. walking around the block or sending a note of appreciation every day) can be powerful motivators and increase positive momentum. Combined, a sense of accomplishment and well-being keep us moving in the right direction and enable us to adapt when obstacles arise.
- Exercise well and sleep well.
It’s no secret that exercise is one of the best ways to keep your brain healthy. Physical activity helps the brain grow new neurons and stronger neural connectivity between them. Exercise also generates a boost of dopamine and serotonin. A lack of both are found in people who are depressed or unmotivated.
Conversely, lack of sleep can exacerbate many of the problems caused by stress. A recent study showed that sleep deprivation can decrease activity in the prefrontal cortex, while also increasing activity in the amygdala. The combination of regular physical activity and healthy sleep patterns create the right neurological conditions for us to “keep calm and carry on” during difficult times.
- Practice introspection.
When faced with tragedies or hardships, it’s easy to get lost in everything that is wrong and overlook lessons and learning that may be embedded within the experience. The practice of introspection is one of the best ways to discover growth that results from the struggle. Pay attention to your own feelings, give yourself permission to celebrate mistakes as evidence of learning, and try to minimize harsh self-talk. Introspection can be a wonderful way to reset, put things into perspective, and get back on track.
Life is always changing and evolving. For instance, we see that in the change of seasons no two plants grow the same from season to season. Nature shows us how to remain open and allow these changes at the same time, enjoying every moment to the fullest on this journey of life.
Each moment is filled with itsmagic and mystery, and we need only to let go of thought patterns that desire to control an outcome of feeling secure or setting expectations as to how we think a life experience should be.
When we allow ourselves to embrace the fact that uncertainty is inevitable, we step into an expansive mindset of awareness. We choose to see that all things are possible, and we live detached from expectations and control. From here, we are better able to see new opportunities and solutions in the present moment.
This week I encourage you to live from a visionary perspective. Able to see experience from a broader panoramic view and watch how your world opens up to more possibilities!
Mindfully yours,
Nancy
A holiday message from our house to yours. If you’re living with someone near and dear to you, you’re likely attuned to their moods, values, likes, and dislikes. It’s a big part of being human to sense actions and behaviors of those around us, especially people we love and cherish. With the holidays approaching, and possibly with a desire to put a tough year/era/season behind you, it can be useful to take cues from those people, and to be more sensitive to the emanations they’ll pick up on.
Recently, while writing Journey Well, we had occasion to explore this aspect of relationships, and the experience was revealing. The chapter involved the necessity of ‘forgiveness.’ That morning, I realized that Mariah was out of sorts, even a bit hypersensitive about something. It turned out the forgiveness exploration had uncovered a painful episode from her childhood. Here’s the story, taken directly from Chapter 3 of Journey Well, You Are More Than Enough:
We had been working on “forgiveness” in this book. My distress came from paradigms I learned at catechism lessons. At the tender age of seven, catholic kids make their “first confession,” a rite meant to cleanse their souls of sin. When I entered the confessional at seven, I told the priest I had no sins. My statement elicited a blistering rebuke from the man behind the screen. He demanded that I manufacture a few sins so he could be benevolent and forgive me. When I wouldn’t do it, he called my mother to come pick me up. Mom was not amused at my statement to the priest that I had no sins to confess.
Lest you wonder, dear reader, I’ve since rectified the situation; I now have many things which need confessing. These days, I bypass the priestly intervention and go straight to the source. It seems to work out better for all concerned.
The lesson is simple: If you or someone close to you feels out of sorts, or unusually sensitive, it may be useful to examine where those feelings came from. It may be therapeutic to unpack them, dive in, take yourself back even to childhood and relive the experience, or at least explore it. The reason this is important now is that the holidays inevitably dredge up feelings and sensitivities we manage to ignore or suppress for the rest of the year. People we love and cherish are feeling the hyper-sensitive emotions and memories as well, so raise your radar antenna and scan for those signals.
The other side of the story is this: In writing about forgiveness in Journey Well, it became clear as holy water to us that those we must forgive above all others is ourselves. This may be the best indulgence to be had during the holiday season.
From our house to yours, Happy Holidays, and let’s have an amazing 2023!
Our perspective is based on our life experiences, current situations, feelings, beliefs, and stress. It is impacted by our families and friends as well. It may seem difficult at times to shift your perspective from negative to positive when life becomes too challenging. Our life experiences change constantly making our perspective ever-changing also. Yet, it is the key to finding joy, peace, and happiness in our lives. Al Neuharth once said, “the difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.” I love this quote because it shows that our perspective can shift the way we look at our life, even in the worst situations. And through my challenges, I have connected with this belief that perspective makes things magical even amidst chaos. On those difficult days, shifting my perspective and recognizing my progress helped place life into focus unveiling the positive moments of each day.
Creating this shift in perspective is a lifestyle choice. It requires persistence, perseverance, consistency, and repetition. And through this process, you begin to learn, heal and evolve through the challenges life brings.
My journey started 13 years ago and there were plenty of bumpy roads and rollercoaster experiences. But I knew deep inside that I needed to heal the physical body to create a foundational support system. And that made space for me to work on the trauma and abuse that had been hiding beneath the surface. Albert Einstein once said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” And that was exactly what I learned along the way. The more I focused on mindfulness, gratitude, self-love, and perspective the easier life felt. I felt happier, even if turmoil lurked in every corner or crevice. We may not be able to predict the future or clear all the obstacles that may come our way, but we do have the power to choose to shift our perspective and find the blessing in each moment.
Changing your perspective is never easy. It takes time, consistency, perseverance, and persistence. It takes practice to shift your mind from a negative thought into a positive outlook.
After all, shifting the negative voice in our heads may require our attention a multitude of times per day. Some days are usually easier than others. But, on those difficult days, filled with challenges the negative voice often gets into overdrive. And those stressful days require constant redirection and may feel overwhelming. I must emphasize, it was not easy but it was absolutely worth the effort. When I began to see challenges through this new perspective, I recognized each experience was an opportunity. And the difficult, overwhelming, and stressful days diminished exponentially. And suddenly things from my bucket list no longer felt impossible. And I began to work towards the future, as I realized my daily visualization was helping me keep the shift more stable.
My perspective has been shifting consistently on my journey to healing the emotional and physical root of my chronic illness, severe digestive issues, and anxiety. But like anything in life healing goes through phases: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. The first 10 years were physical and geared towards healing by reducing prescriptions and symptoms of disease and illness. The last 3 years were spiritual and emotional geared towards reducing overwhelming feelings by unraveling the root cause of my illness, trauma, and self-limiting beliefs. The quote that paved the way for my perspective shift was, “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change” by Wayne Dyer. And this premise gave me insights to begin some mindfulness practices that helped shift my perspective and fuel my day with a positive outlook. And I will share a few of those strategies that fueled me over the years.
Strategies to Shift your Perspective:
- Breathe Deep and slow – take in 10 slow deep breaths with your eyes closed. My favorite is the 5-5-5 breath. Imagine you are moving the air up your spine to the crown of your head. Breath in 5 seconds. Hold your breath for 5 seconds. And exhale slowly.
- Lay down in dragonfly position and combine with 5-5-5 Breath. A great way to start your day with a new energy and perspective.
- Take 5 minutes to meditate or listen to a guided meditation. A simple meditation is to visualize your day. Imagine each moment from self-care, meals, meetings, driving, etc. Imagine them all happening beautifully. And focus on noticing the way you feel in those moments.
- When that negative voice pops into your head, recite an affirmation and take several deep breaths as you let it sink in. You can try, “I am worthy of living, loving, and having the dream.” Or “I am good enough and I will get through this.”
Now, it is up to you. Do you choose to shift your perspective? Do you choose to find the blessings amidst the chaos? Do you choose to make lemonade out of lemons? Yes, well it all starts with self-love, mindfulness, and a decision to make the shift. I hope you feel inspired to practice some self-loving perspective shifts and begin to experience the magic in your life.
Author’s Note 2022: More than two years have elapsed since I first recorded my thoughts on the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on individuals and society and posted these in an article on LinkedIn, yet I would make the case that if nothing else, these observations remain as valid and trenchant as they ever were.
Subsequently, many people endured significant disruptions to their personal and working lives, including extended lockdowns and small business closures, in some instances, mandated “vaccinations” (which interestingly, did not confer immunity and potentially held, at least for some recipients, serious side effects, up to and including death), negative impacts on personal and professional relationships, and more.
As pandemic fatigue set in, global conflicts erupted, including a significant kinetic escalation of Russian adventurism and aggression in Ukraine; continued CCP belligerence and aggression towards Taiwan with suggestions that reunification with the Chinese Mainland by force if necessary was very much on the table; what appears to be an increasingly unstable global economy with rampant inflation; questions about the integrity of elections here in the United States, the alleged bastion of democracy (via a government structured as a Republic); most recently, significant layoffs in the Technology sector, in many cases involving well-compensated white collar workers, suggesting over-hiring or potentially questionable business models…
The list goes on. One doesn’t have to look too far to wonder what fresh horrors await the next reveal if one is so inclined to do so.
What follows is only lightly edited from the original.
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As we approach the final quarter of 2020, which I think for much of humanity may be defined as, “The Year of the Pandemic,” I think we all acknowledge that this has been a difficult and challenging year for many, if not most, and outright traumatic for others. It exposes vulnerabilities in ourselves, in our societies, and perhaps even in humanity itself.
For those who are struggling with certain realities and/or changes in current circumstances brought on or magnified by this year, rather than dwell on the negatives or suffering that we perceive, it affords us a very important opportunity. That opportunity, whether out of choice or necessity, is to take a good hard look inside, and perhaps seek to recalibrate ourselves, or better identify, define, and align our core values and our priorities.
Although we may not have wished for this, 2020 is a year of lessons, both individual and collective, and perhaps one that can enable #transformation and #transition into an improved version of ourselves. And perhaps by sharing, particularly any actionable lessons, we may at least comfort, and even benefit others.
On a personal level, like many others, I increasingly am forced to confront my own mortality, and to appreciate that none of us know the number of our days. Furthermore, many things can change without warning, or with very limited notice, and there are things that are simply beyond our control. Yet, what is within our control is how we respond and adapt. A critical lesson for me is the necessity not only of reading and seeking to truly understand certain philosophical approaches or traditions, but the practice of being able to live those lessons accordingly. For example, author Ryan Holiday has done a very commendable job of bringing Western #stoic philosophy to the forefront in recent years, and making it more accessible, I think, to a wider audience.
But the truth is, until we actually have to measure up to some of the ideals put forth by people like Marcus Aurelius or Seneca, consuming words is very different than living the underlying virtues. The same goes for my own long-standing interest in Ch’an (Zen) Buddhist and Taoist thought (integrated into Shaolin Temple teachings), as expressed by sages such as Lao Tzu, Chuang Tzu, and even warriors turned philosophers such as Miyamoto Musashi. It is one thing to read, appreciate, and even savor the words and ideas, but can we govern ourselves with them?
I’ve long understood the importance of #resiliency and #perseverance, but these are demonstrated through our actions and attitude, and not through empty platitudes. Yes, you may hurt temporarily, or rage against the “unfairness” of it all, or disappointments or setbacks in your career or personal life, and it’s true that the Universe does not necessarily apportion or distribute pain or challenges equally.
So what?Raging against such inequality solves nothing, and is certainly beyond our ability to influence or change. This teaches #empathy, something that we arguably can never experience too much of. For me, this also has presented the opportunity to more deeply appreciate (and strive to implement more holistically) Eastern spiritual traditions that have long resonated with me, confronting the concept of #suffering and its recognition via the Four Noble Truths and the Eightfold Path to alleviate this.
I’ve learned the incalculable value of having at least one true friend to confide in, even while acknowledging that such people are not necessarily easy to find, and when we do, we must count our blessings.
Perhaps there is comfort in thinking of such a party as a “kindred soul,” but that’s a very personal outlook. I will confess, however, that I do draw comfort from a belief that the Universe does see fit for certain people to cross our paths, and to fulfill an important role that we may or may not recognize at the time, whether they are in our life for a brief, passing moment or for a longer period of time.
Through one such friend, in particular, I’ve learned that #vulnerability is not something that will always be exploited, manipulated, or perceived as weakness, even if prior life experiences for a time had convinced me otherwise. Sometimes we must be willing to let our guard down, and to recognize that another soul truly wants to connect, and recognizes that despite one’s flaws or shortcomings, this is not a deterrent to the qualities that drew two people together in the first place.
Learning to let go has been another theme arising from that interaction. Let go of blame, of shame, of doubt, of guilt. While it may be commendable to try to be strong and resolute all of the time, in truth we are not, and this does not make us a “burden” on those who truly care for us. I still wrestle with that one, in all honesty, but I like to think I’m coming to terms with it. And in closing, for now, I’ve also learned why, no matter what, we must keep the faith that a better tomorrow can and will come.
There are three core aspects of a stable awakening. Recognising who you are. Recognising what you’re not. And seeing that those apparent two are essentially one: nondual. This piece is taken from The Complete Book of Awakening and is at the beginning of the second step of that awakening process. Reproduced with permission.
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Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
~Arthur Conan Doyle
In Part One we’ve explored who you are. You may be beginning to notice that there is something constant in your experience, which we are suggesting is who you essentially are. The recognition, and deepening of this recognition, is awakening.
But it’s not actually a ‘thing’, this ‘something’ you’ve begun to notice. It’s not something of form that you can point at, look at, handle, manipulate. It’s something that you can do your best to describe with words like peace, contentment, open, spacious, free…but having ‘no words’ is perfectly OK too.
Now, in Part Two, we’re going to see what you are not. In traditional teachings of this understanding this is called the ‘neti neti’ process, which means, ‘not this, not this’. This describes a process of eliminating all the things that are not our essential self. This more tangible approach is helpful, given the ineffable qualities of who you essentially are that we looked at in Part One. What can’t be removed once everything removable has been taken out is, by definition, who you are.
Of course, nothing is actually ‘taken out’ — that would be impossible. Nothing is being thrown away or discarded. A healthy awakening exploration includes all of experience — but in order to untangle what has become tangled in our minds, it is helpful to work through this apparent elimination process.
In Part Three we will return to the integration of everything that we called ‘not this’.
This is a very modern exploration. We’ve turned classic spiritual schooling on its head, by beginning with ‘who you are’, rather than ‘what you are not’. The reason for this is we’re no longer looking at life-long paths of religious devotion and withdrawal from society. Awakening is not reserved for the elite few. So, awakening is immediately available, but the fact remains that as we grew up to have a stable sense of self in the world, alongside that we picked up a lot of extra baggage. Now it’s time to address that baggage.
A bit like doing an evaporation experiment in the chemistry lab, we’re now evaporating off everything that isn’t essential to us, evaporating all the extra baggage, which inevitably leaves only the essential. Only that which cannot be removed.
We referred to this extra baggage in Chapter Two when we described what we mean by the term ‘suffering’. Suffering is happening wherever something looks like a problem, like it should be different than how it is, like it requires a lot of effort, or like it’s overwhelming or impossible.
These responses to life are the signal that we have become identified with something that is not essential to who we are. And so, Part Two is all about recognising the areas of experience where we have become identified or collected baggage.
You may well find that suffering arises during your exploration of Part Two because the narrative mind resists what it deems to be dangerous, on behalf of an imagined separate self. And, to the narrative mind, this process seems dangerous.
We can assure you that this is a safe exploration, that nothing is actually being taken away, removed or discarded. All we are doing is disentangling who we really are from what we are not.
Given this context, our growing sense of who we are is foundational as we explore what we’re not. It makes it far easier to begin to recognise and put down the baggage. There will still be challenges — but knowing who we are gives us a touchstone to retreat to and a direction to head. This sense of self supports us in re-understanding a lot of what we thought we were.
In practice this means you may well find an urge to go back to Part One at times, as each step of our ‘not this’ process will bring the question of who you are into increasing focus. What follows now is a movement back and forth between who we are and what we are not — becoming ever clearer with each iteration.
A word on how we are approaching this.As before, we invite you to come into Part Two open, with your curious explorer’s hat on. We will be offering explorations as we did in Part One. If you want to remind yourself about how to get the most from them, you can pop back to Exploration 1.1.
Here we are looking at the many things we’ve been taught and taken to be the truth, or which we hold as conceptual ideas, but which don’t in fact align with our experience of life. These kinds of confusions clutter up the system, as we wrangle between what’s actually happening and what has been believed.
Given this backdrop, again we’re inviting you to be a scientist. Not the kind that does double-blind control studies, or creates new conceptual models of reality. We’re starting with the simple science of individual exploration. Arguably the closest to reality we can get.
Although there are now many scientific concepts that point to the same understanding that we’re talking about, we want to keep this very much in the actual experience you have in everyday life. Things get so much easier from there as we put the horse rightfully back in front of the cart.
As we walk through this section, notice any times when fear arises. It is very normal for the self-preservation thought mechanism to don its security guard’s cap and for us to experience that as suffering. The security guard tries to keep this conversation at bay. It does this with the intention of keeping us safe.
Indeed, the security guard mind could be right, if we truly were the things this book suggests we are not. If these things were essential to our being. In reality, the only ‘thing’ being threatened is a belief. An idea of who we are. How many new ideas have you had, over the years? How many beliefs have changed or fallen away? How many times have you changed your mind? Do your daytime thoughts, ideas and beliefs disappear every night when you fall asleep? And still, you are here, fundamentally undamaged and unchanged by ideas and beliefs.
This idea of who we are (who we think ourselves to be and what we think is essential to us) is a closer-in belief, a more well-rehearsed one, but a belief all the same. Made of the same stuff as all ideas and beliefs.
Do you remember in Exploration 3.3, in Part One, where you noticed a time of flow and how good that flow felt? Ironically, the learned safety mechanisms creating fear are keeping us away from that very positive experience of flow. Does it seem scary or dangerous to feel more in flow? Or, in flow were you actually more yourself? This point can help us counter the fearful thoughts with real experience, instead of the imagined danger.
We can acknowledge the thought, “This is dangerous,” but we don’t have to follow it or believe it.
And know that whatever happens, you’re OK. If who we are is essentially stable and secure, we can be OK in everything life brings to us. We have a foundation for the OK-ness of who we are in Part One, so we are safe to begin to explore what we are not. Which means we can ask the security guard to step aside and allow this exploration to continue.
Awakening is a beautifully reliable process. At any point you feel you need to, you can put the book to the side for a while. There’s no shame in taking time to do other things, and for moving at your own pace.
Our experience with clients shows us that sustainable awakening comes when we follow the process. When we explore through the layers of who we are and what we are not, then bring it all back together again — as we do in this book. But, more than that, we know to honour your timing and how the process shows up for you.
As a reminder, throughout this book each exploration we offer you has:
- a question (these are sometimes referred to as “self-enquiry”)
- a suggestion of what you might find, which is some logic that bridges from inner knowing to outer expression
- an experiment so you can test it out
- a working conclusion — something you can challenge, evolve and develop in life.
All four are vital in an honest exploration: question, suggestion, experiment, conclusion. And all reflect the approach of good science: self-enquiry, logic, and testing it out in life.
To aid the exploration process in Part Two we are now bringing in raw experience, to add to the direct experience we’ve been using to explore in Part One. You might remember from the Introduction that in raw experience we are aware of bodily sensations and the information of the five senses in their simplest form — absent of labels, comparisons or judgements.
If that feels unfamiliar to you just now, don’t worry, we’ll guide you through it in each exploration so that you’ll become increasingly familiar with it as we go along.
Wherever you see the headphones symbol, you can access a free audio recording of that experiment at thoughtfulraven.co.uk
And the download symbol indicates we have a free download available on the website.
Let’s begin with an exploration to demonstrate this neti neti, or evaporation, process that we’re about to embark on.
Do you have an unhealthy habit you are struggling to break? Or do you have a healthy habit you are trying to make a habit but are finding it difficult to adopt? Are you asking yourself why this is so darn hard to break or begin?
Our brain has a simple default mode for our responses in life. First, you have a trigger, then there’s an accompanying behavior, and the outcome is either a result or a reward. This behavior is automatic; it is how habits are formed. Being in this habit mode is like unconsciously putting yourself on autopilot.
First, you must recognize what you are doing. I tell my clients awareness is power. Be aware of the habit and see it for what it is. Don’t judge it; just see it.
Secondly, explore and understand the reward or result achieved from the behavior.
Mindfulness teaches us to witness our own life experiences. I like to use the analogy that it is like watching our own life movie.
Then ask yourself, what will this give me? Is this in my best interest?
Living mindfully aware, you observe with love and kindness how you are showing up in the present moment. It is at that moment you have the power to change. Taking that powerful pause, you can reevaluate the behavior. It’s not forcing yourself to change or berating yourself for not changing; instead, it sees it for what it is and encourages a state of willingness and neutrality to navigate.
This week I encourage you to apply this to a habit you are trying to break or adapt. As always, I am here to assist with a proven system that works to rewire the brain. If you want to learn, simply reach out to me below!
Mindfully yours,
Nancy
Let’s face it, life brings us plenty of obstacles. We face challenges and obstacles all day long. And sometimes the challenges can feel like you are carrying bricks on your shoulders. The difficulties we face in life place an emotional and physical toll on our body, mind, and psyche. And it is often hard to shift our perspective when the stress just keeps piling up on us. I know I felt life was overwhelming. And during those stressful times, I often felt like curling up in bed and hiding. But that isn’t always an option. We have to keep moving forward. We may not always do it for ourselves. But we do it for our families or those we love.
I used to wake up every day with a sour stomach and anxiety. I was stressed from the moment I opened my eyes till I closed them again at night. I didn’t realize at the time that it was my nightmares that were causing such an intense physical and emotional reaction. But after years of tackling the physical root of my symptoms, it was time to face the facts and deal with the emotional root of everything.
As I began my journey, I started to follow a daily principle, I learned from Wayne Dyer;
Change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
I used this premise to reflect on my stressful moments and find the blessing in challenges. I learned from the dark moments to find meaning in each experience. Trust me life was not easy. And some days I cried often. On other days I experienced excruciating physical pain or headaches. But I kept switching my perspective and focusing on the positive. I made slow but steady progress. Abd some days, I woke up smiling and singing. I started to wake up happy, excited, and motivated. Rather than stressed, overwhelmed and anxious. And the nightmares began to diminish in the process. And soon the bright days outnumbered the dark ones.
And the new perspective and joy gave me the courage to face my biggest challenge in life. I was ready to face my trauma, which literally gave me that sour taste in the morning. It was time to go back in time, re-experience my sexual abuse and find the blessing in a horrible situation. I knew it was time to learn the lessons and forgive myself for something that was never my fault. But as most people facing similar hardships, self-forgiveness is often the most difficult to achieve. I kept focusing on a positive outlook and finding the lessons each day. And suddenly the dark days diminished, bringing more days of sunshine and hope.
I learned to praise my progress and recognize my success often. It was a premise, I later called Progress, not Perfection. And at the end of 2021, I realized I had made lemonade out of lemons. I had faced my fears. I had seen everything I experienced as a little girl. I had seen everyone that was involved. I recognized all the beliefs those experiences had created in my life. And as I unraveled the self-limiting beliefs everything started to change. As I let go of the sense of unworthiness my life began to bring new blessings. And as I realized, “I am good enough,” everything began to look brighter. And little by little, the bitter taste in my mouth began to disappear. The sour stomach disappeared. The chronic shoulder tension from bearing the weight of a 35-year secret was relieved. And finally, I began to feel like my happy, energetic, and joyful self again.
And one day, I realized life had become lemonade. Suddenly the lemons of daily stress no longer brought me down. I was able to find blessings and lessons each day. And I was able to make sweet lemonade with each sour moment. I knew it was time to share this perspective shift and guide others to see the blessings amidst the chaos. And in November 2021, I created a Lemonade Meditation. A short-guided meditation to face challenges and find the blessings. The lemonade meditation is a little piece of the magic that came from this new outlook on life. And it was a great way for me to guide others to use their 5 senses to re-experience life’s challenges in a new light. Over the months, I have shared it with friends and small groups. And today, I am grateful to share it with you.
Thankfully the days of waking up with indigestion, anxiety, and sour stomach are behind me. But it all started by choosing to find the blessing amidst the chaos, making lemonade out of lemons, and recognizing the progress along the way. If I learned anything on my journey, it is the power of self-love and forgiveness that sets you free. But most of all, making lemonade out of the sour moments brings sunshine and sweetness to each day.
“Who are you Being is everything!” – Steve Hardison
As a coach, I see countless extraordinary human beings who think of themselves poorly. Somehow someone made them feel less than at some point in their lives, and that feeling stuck with them so permanently that they could not see past it. I know that feeling. I know that voice that says you are not worthy, you are not as important, you are not enough, and you will never get where you want to be. You will never be who you want to be.
They cannot see for a minute the brilliance and the beauty they already have. Instead of experiencing life as this beautiful mystery unfolding, filled with opportunities, possibilities, and joy, they stay where they are, terrified to make a change.
Why? Because most of us don’t see life as something we create but as something given to us with many conditions and strings attached. We don’t even bother exploring what might be possible if we – god forbid – even entertain the idea of changing things. The status quo is comfortable, even if it is boring, unhappy, and limiting.
We feel unhappy in our personal lives but make excuses to stay in our marriages. We suffocate ourselves at work, sometimes experiencing bullying, mobbing, and discrimination. Some of us simply want to do something different, but we think we cannot risk losing the financial comfort we have. We live life like a frog, slowly boiled alive, unaware that we are the ones who get to choose who we are BEING!
Seriously – Who are you BEING?
Does any of this resonate with you? Because if it does, I have good news for you. You got the power, you are the creator, and life is a beautiful design that you get to manifest.
You are whatever word you choose to add after I AM!
You are brilliant.
You are gorgeous.
You are worthy.
You are capable of creating your reality every day!
You are shaping your life by choosing, every morning, what you decide to create. It is up to you to focus on what you don’t have or cherish what you have. It is up to you to carve time to BE instead of DO every day. Also, it is up to you to say today is a great day, and I am choosing to have fun!
It is just that simple! All the Law of Attraction, The Secret, and everything you have heard of in between is about that. It is about what you choose to focus on and who you choose to BE. And to practice that, slightly changing your thoughts, attitude and actions go a long way toward realizing your power to create. You always had that power. You just forgot you had it. Go ahead and reclaim it!
You are a Human BEING who can realize anything when you create enough motivation. Do not wait for that motivation to come from outside or others because if you do, you might waste your life doing that. Create it yourself. Not tomorrow, not someday! Today! Now! Because you can if you choose to. You are that powerful. Please accept your power!
"Imposter syndrome insists that others know how to do everything instantly and because you don’t you’re a failure. Yet, becoming more proficient at anything takes commitment, and commitment to craft is always rewarded with greater ability." ...
"Resilience can help us better handle the stressful situations in our lives and offer us options to recover from loss." ...
"There are two ways to navigate your life. As if it's a maze. Or as if it's amazing. We invite you to join us by making today your amazing DAY ONE." ...
"Boundaries help teach others how to treat you. Knowing your boundaries can bring a sense of freedom to your life." ...
"What if no one needs to be right or wrong? What if both of our wants and needs matter and it is up to each of us to take care of ourselves instead of trying to take care of the needs of each other?" ...
"What are the patterns that you used, as they represent your beliefs and behavior? Did you repeat the same pattern throughout your tapestry, or are the patterns evolving, getting more and more lighter and prettier?" ...
Our focus dictates how we see our world and how we interact with those around us. That leads to the life that we live and to some degree our happiness within that life. There are two definitions of the word focus that I would like to share “Center of interest of activity.” – When we […]
"Maybe you are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Perhaps you don’t like what you see when you look in the mirror, or step on the scale. Where do you begin?" ...
"Do you suffer from a suspicion you might be a fraud and sooner or later everyone you know or work with will discover it?" ...
"As I revisit my past, the pain becomes acute and tears rise to the surface, interrupting my peace. Nudging at my confidence. I remind myself that it’s ok. I’m ok." ...
"It is inspiring to listen to someone who has taken cancer head-on and is smiling through the process." ...
"Be mindful of what you don’t know. Be sure to extend your hand before you offer advice. Be patient. And most of all, be kind." ...
"Life sometimes gets in the way of our dreams, passions, and aspirations. But the more we learn to find the blessings in the difficult moments the easier the journey becomes." ...
"They’re diagnosed at two to four times the rate as girls with learning disabilities, have higher rates of depression and suicide, and are more likely to end up in prison or on drugs, or be killed in foreign wars." ...
"The stories we tell are how we live our lives. In these times of change, it is heartening to share the stories that have enlivened us." ...
"Sometimes people would tiptoe around me. People wouldn’t know what to say, or they would feel uncomfortable around me." ...
"We all have such magic inside of us, and we don’t realize that an arbitrary set of rules often hinders us from accessing it." ...
"We count our time not in minutes, but rather in time well spent. Counting moments without counting time is how we live a life of abundance." ...
"Mindfulness is what arises when you pay attention on purpose in the present moment and without judgment." ...
"Enjoy a week of self-awareness and self-empowerment living mindfully one moment at a time!" ...
"Crystals are like any other tool, they must be cared for and loved. Loving and caring for the crystal has the potential to ignite the love and care you show for yourself and others." ...
"By forming walking clubs, Americans are not only losing weight, but they are also fighting crime and creating safer communities." ...
"When is the last time you conducted an evaluation of what you allow into your mind? Is it time to conduct a fearless inventory of what is flowing into your brain?" ...
"Along with my failing, fading faculties, has come an enhancement of attention, focus, and gratitude. How to explain this? I can’t, but the puzzle it poses does make a certain sense." ...
"We can have the exact same stimulus and we may have completely different stories that our mind tells us about the situation. " ...
"The basic anti-bullying messages haven’t changed, nor have they been updated yet the bullying continues. Clearly, something isn’t working." ...
"That one sentence that felt like a door slamming in my face was truly a blessing. Hindsight being 20/20, it was also one of the best pieces of advice I have been given and led me on an incredible journey." ...
"There are many ways to work with energy invoked through Sacred Geometry and mandalas. Just looking at the symbol will activate light and codes which exist within you. Try the above exercise and experience what happens for you." ...
"In fact, finding ways to nourish ourselves and attend to our needs often requires that we put it on the calendar." ...
"Do you sometimes feel as if there is a storm raging inside of you, and that at any moment it might break through and show itself in some embarrassing outward expression?" ...
"What would you do if you saw the tsunami wave coming up the shore towards you? What would you do if you were trapped in your car as it sunk below the surface of a rushing river?" ...
"The word 'resilience' means 'to rebound.' By definition, it doesn’t describe a state of never falling, never getting hit. In fact, to be resilient we have to experience crushing forces. We have to let ourselves absorb those forces, then rebound in a way that uses them to our advantage." ...
"Our world is endangered by the absence of good ideas. Our world is in crisis because of the absence of consciousness." ...
"Have you had your daily dose of fun? It's not just enjoyable, it's also essential for your health and happiness. ..."
"Getting a positive cancer diagnosis is indeed life-altering and life-changing. It is critical to act and to move in a direction that is positive, along with acquiring a mindset of saving one's life." ...
"With walking meditation, the goal is not to try to arrive anywhere or attain any particular goals. Our Destination is the here and now." ...
"Happiness is not an idea, it’s like breathing – necessary and often not given thought." ...
"Myths have some truth, but they don't change behavior. Connected citizens have the power to reduce fear and create positive change to restore community trust, safety, and confidence." ...
"How long have human beings danced? A Skillshare blog reports that early cave paintings depict dancing figures as early as 3300 BC. You might say it’s in the genes." ...
"Neuroplasticity, sound healing, meditation, and visualization have saved me. I would not be where I am at physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or creatively without it." ...
" ... We are now reaching a consensus about dumping the idea of sickness altogether and replacing it with WELL-NESS…as a primary goal in life." ...
"Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now, take what is left and live it properly." ...
"If we buy into this story of ‘not enough’, we open ourselves up to be judged and discarded by others based on this inner story we believe is true." ...
"Be slow to speak, and only after having first listened quietly, so that you may understand the meaning, leanings, and wishes of those who do speak. Thus you will better know when to speak and when to be silent." ...
"How do relationships with our siblings and significant others impact our lives? What stories play a role in framing our personality?" ...
"Not long ago, this information would have been suppressed by the powers that for many years Health Care to a long string of Drug Protocols and declared with a straight face that food or lifestyle choices had no bearing on disease or longevity." ...
"But what about forgiveness? How easily is that attained? How readily is it dispensed? How complete is it? Who is most likely to be the most generous with it? How often do we know if it is really ever accepted?" ...
"I frequently get up early to view a sunrise and occasionally go for a walk in the rain." ...
The best definition I’ve heard for discipline is “Give yourself a command and then go do it!” Many times we think of discipline as something that comes from parents, teachers, coaches, and/or administrators because we made choices that were not beneficial. However, when you understand that discipline actually comes from the Latin word disciplina meaning […]
"Everyone on this planet had had pain and trauma. There's no escaping it but there is a way to endure." ...
"Simply put, it requires reconnecting with the True Self and moving from an insecure attachment style to the secure one to some extent." ...
"How do children grieve? If we adults are crushed by the death of a loved one, how do we support our children? Can we hold their grief as well as our own?" ...
"If you do want to go along with what others are doing, be sure to share your own limits if you have any that are important to you." ...
"Fear gives us a false sense of security. It limits your choices, doesn't let you breathe, and generates anxiety and stress." ...
"Why do so many of us do this? Have we been so beaten down by criticism and cruelty, by our own inner critic, that it seems impossible or improbable that our lives richly infuse other lives with goodness?" ...