How to Get Your Man to Commit to You - Evan Marc Katz Blog: Recent Episodes
Evan Marc Katz
Janet is 66, successful, evolved, and, most of all, anxious.
Her marriage ended—as so many do—after 26 years. Like many women, she saw the signs when the kids were little, but she stayed until they were grown.
After her divorce, she did what most women do: got online and found a man with a common background, common interests, and great intelligence.
There was only one problem.
While he said he wanted a long-term commitment, their relationship wasn’t deepening. He was cautious because of his past, never said “I love you,” and seemed perfectly content spending time together without making plans for the future.
Janet knew they were doomed within the first month.
She stayed for a year.
That’s when she reached out to me.
Now, Janet is in the best relationship of her life.
When we spoke last week, she told me how her boyfriend attended a conference that wasn’t remotely in his wheelhouse simply because he wanted to understand her better.
THAT kind of man. And yet, old fears die hard.
Because of her self-described anxious attachment style, Janet tends to react strongly whenever there’s a bump in the relationship. During their first few months together, there were at least two times she told me she was going to break up with him, even though he hadn’t done anything notably wrong.
Then something happened that made her wonder if she’d chosen the wrong man all over again.
She and her boyfriend were on a road trip. He was driving. She was navigating. As they approached an exit, the GPS lost its signal. He wasn’t sure whether to get off or stay on. Janet couldn’t get it together in time.
He snapped.
He was frustrated they’d missed the exit and now had to drive ten minutes out of the way. A few minutes later, he came back and apologized.
Janet wanted to know if this was a red flag and she should break up with him.
As Janet was telling me this story, my face slowly broke into a smile.
To be clear, I don’t think her boyfriend handled it well. He was short-tempered. Janet was only trying to help, and technology got in the way.
The reason I smiled was because almost the exact same thing had happened to me and my wife the week before.
We were driving on the freeway at 70 miles an hour when the GPS told me one thing and my wife told me another. Suddenly I had two competing navigation systems talking at the same time. I trust my wife, but she was overruling the map I was looking at.
I followed her directions.
They were wrong.
And yes, I barked at her for talking over the GPS and taking us in the wrong direction.
I was frustrated. It wasn’t pretty.
Five minutes later, we were okay.
It didn’t say anything about my character, my communication skills, or my devotion to my wife. It was a brief moment fueled entirely by stress: one man behind the wheel trying to process contradictory information at 70 miles an hour.
These things happen. Then they’re over.
The problem is that anxious people often don’t let them be over.
They turn one bad moment into evidence that the relationship itself is bad.
Relationships have to be able to withstand moments like these—especially if, as in Janet’s case, the car is the only place she’s ever seen her boyfriend lose his temper.
So I asked her one question: “If I could guarantee your relationship would continue exactly like this for the rest of your life, except four times a year your boyfriend would lose his temper while driving and every time he’d apologize afterward, would you take that deal?”
Without hesitation, she said yes.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met—men and women alike—doesn’t want to be judged or abandoned for their worst moments.
Your power lies in how quickly you come to repair.
It’s not whether someone will occasionally say or do something that frustrates you.
They will.
It’s what they do afterward that matters.
Do they double down?
Do they turn frustration into insults or silent treatment?
Or do they recognize they were wrong, apologize, and make things right?
A huge part of my job is telling women to leave men who lack character, kindness, and communication skills. Those are the relationships where she’s walking on eggshells half the time and is afraid to express an opinion.
Janet’s relationship is nothing like that.
When we were on Zoom last week, her boyfriend was in the kitchen making her dinner while she sat there positively giddy about their future together.
That’s what I want for every client.
There’s no relationship without conflict, but with a little help, you can find a healthy relationship that’s strong enough to survive it.
Love,
Evan
Maybe you’ve never been married before.
Maybe you’ve gotten divorced and built a better life afterward.
But if you’re reading this message, you’re likely a smart, successful woman who, whether by necessity or design, created something that works for you: a career that provides meaning and money, a network of friends who provide fun and support, hobbies and interests that provide balance and variety. It’s a life you enjoy, not a life you’re trying to escape from.
At the same time, you’re conscious that you’re doing it all alone, and that it feels like something (or someone) is missing from your life. It would be great to have a man who wants to share in this life.
Someone who supports you emotionally and financially. Someone you can talk to after a bad day. Someone who celebrates your successes. Someone you can bring home for the holidays.
The problem is that you don’t want to give up what you have now.
So you’ve got dual goals that are working in opposition to each other:
How can you find a man who is 100% as committed to you as a husband…without marriage, living together, or losing your independence?
This contradiction lies at the heart of why so many women find themselves in disappointing relationships.
You declare you’re not looking to get married and you love your independence. You find a guy who is ALSO not looking to get married and loves HIS independence.
Next thing you know, you’re in a relationship with a long-distance guy, a recently divorced guy, or a guy whose ideal relationship is once or twice a week.
What you don’t get is a man who will be there for you when your mother is ill, a man who treats your kids like his own, a man who will rearrange his schedule and make you his top priority.
THAT’s the cost of choosing freedom and independence.
Listen, there are many ways to find love and many different working models. But as a dating coach for successful, independent women, I couldn’t help but notice that most of them want a man who is devoted like a spouse… but doesn’t impinge on your life at all.
A relationship-oriented man wants to be needed, valued, and prioritized, too.
To be clear, I’m not telling you to give up what makes you happy.
You can have your life AND a life partner. But if you prioritize freedom and independence OVER a partner, you can’t be too surprised if you’re still standing alone.
The tricky part is holding onto both truths at the same time. You love your independence and you also want a man who’s fully devoted to you.
Love,
Evan
My wife is struggling right now.
I don’t say that to gain your sympathy. I say that because it’s true. The side effects of cancer and chemo have left her feeling tired and achy all the time. The only sounds I hear all day are my wife gasping for breath going upstairs and saying “ow” at random times.
Since I can’t help her heal faster, I try to make her life easier. I pay all the bills. I’ve taken on more carpooling, more cooking, more cleaning. Whatever she wants, I do, no questions asked. That’s the job description and I take it seriously.
At some point, my wife will be better again and we will return to normal. Or maybe not. You never know. But vowing to love someone, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do you part, means something. I love my wife like I love my kids. Unconditionally.
That love gives me meaning and purpose beyond the pleasures of daily life.
___________________________________________________
On Saturday, a close friend came to my house for a leisurely afternoon.
She’s in her mid-50’s and objectively an amazing catch. Smart. Beautiful. Successful. She got divorced twenty years ago and raised two young men by herself.
Now she’s in a 4-year long-distance relationship. She sees him on the weekends.
She loves her freedom. She loves her independence. She doesn’t want a greater commitment. She wants exactly what she has.
When I asked her about her stance on a more integrated partnership, she told me that while she believes in marriage for some people, she doesn’t believe in it for her.
Which is perfectly fair. Whatever floats her boat. The issue I have is not with any person who values autonomy. The issue I have is with societal messaging around this topic.
“Is marriage dead? Is it the last vestige of the patriarchy?”
It’s as if millions of happily married people don’t even exist. I asked my friend why she would limit the heights of her love to weekends. Here’s what she said.
“People aren’t meant to be with one person forever.”
Biologically, this is true. We live longer than we used to. We are all attracted to other people. Then again, people override their biology all the time.
The same way that democracy – however flawed – is the best political system, and capitalism – however flawed – is the best economic system, long-term monogamy remains the best relationship model – provided you choose a good partner.
Being single is hard. Dating is hard. Polyamory – don’t get me started. Which is why if you find one person with whom you want to share your feelings, your expenses, your bed, your travel, your joys and your sorrows, you win.
Do you need a man if you’re financially independent? No, you do not.
Would you like to have one who adds value instead of subtracting it? Most women would.
They just don’t believe they can find it because of their previous experience.
“You don’t need a piece of paper to have a committed relationship.”
It’s true. You don’t. And if you’re part of a couple that’s been together for twenty years without the piece of paper and are functionally married, you can ignore this article.
But, apart from the legal benefits, I don’t think marriage is just a piece of paper. It’s a commitment to the commitment. It’s the declaration that you accept someone in full and you’re not going anywhere.
It’s not that people don’t break their vows or ever get divorced; it’s that the commitment in a marriage is far more serious than just having a boyfriend. It’s buying instead of renting. It’s taking a full-time position instead of a temp position. A boyfriend may become a husband but they are not one and the same.
In fact, the woman who inspired this piece told me about her previous boyfriend who ghosted her after four years. Husbands will occasionally do that, but the integration of life partnership signifies something larger than “we enjoy dinner and sex on the weekends.”
“I don’t know of any happy couples.”
You may have heard the saying, “We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are.”
If you come from a family of divorce, verbal abuse, cheating, narcissism, or alcoholism, it will impact how you see the world. If you married someone with these traits, that will only further solidify your view about marriage. And if you spent 10, 20, or 30 years, bending over backwards to accommodate the selfishness of some fatally flawed man, the most logical reaction to that is “never again!”
But you must keep in mind, this is only YOUR experience of marriage. It’s not THE experience of marriage. Are there a lot of bad marriages? Sure. Probably ⅔ of them. So if you’re risk-averse, you might conclude that there’s no point in taking a chance on something that doesn’t have a high success rate.
Then again, those ⅔ have nothing to do with you. I’m not advocating commitment for the sake of commitment, or marriage for the sake of marriage. In other words, my agenda is not to “get you married,” but only to point out that there are MILLIONS of happy marriages.
The same way my friend is surrounded by a lot of divorced middle-aged women who are done with marriage, I’m surrounded by a lot of happily married couples.
Is that a coincidence? Or a perfect example of “We don’t see things the way they are. We see things the way we are”?
___________________________________________________
The point of this post – believe it or not – is not about marriage. It’s about the lens through which you view the world and the limiting beliefs we all maintain.
My friend thinks she’s in the best situation for her because she has a monogamous boyfriend 90 minutes away who gives her lots of space.
I don’t doubt that she’s content with the arrangement.
So I’ll pose the same question to you as I did to her:
Do you think that, if you had cancer, your boyfriend would pay all your bills, drive you to chemo, and devote his life to ensuring your wellness and survival? Or is he with you until there’s a bump in the road or he meets a younger woman who lives closer?
You already know the answer.
The question is what would you rather have?
A boyfriend? Or a husband?
Love,
Evan
I want to challenge that the key to finding love is figuring out your “type.”
It sounds logical. It feels right. And yet, if that approach actually worked, you wouldn’t still be searching. Because here’s the truth no one tells you:
Your type tells you who you’re attracted to.
It doesn’t tell you who’s good at relationships.
If you’re the CEO of your love life, THAT’s what you’re hiring for.
Who is good at being my partner?
That’s where the Big 5 personality traits come in. This is one of the most researched, validated ways to understand how people think, behave, and relate to others.
In other words, it tells you how a man is going to show up when it actually matters.
Let’s talk about what that means in real life.
The first trait is openness.
This is about curiosity and flexibility. A man high in openness is willing to consider new ideas, have real conversations, and grow over time. A man low in openness tends to be rigid, set in his ways, and resistant to change.
If you’ve ever felt like you were dragging a man through emotional conversations while he shut down or dismissed your perspective, you’ve experienced low openness.
You don’t need someone who agrees with you on everything. You need someone who is willing to engage with you.
My wife and I are very different people but we’re both high in openness. Our default is to say “yes” to each others’ requests. You MUST choose a man who says “yes” more than no.
The second trait is conscientiousness.
Conscientiousness is about reliability, responsibility, and follow-through. It’s the difference between a man who says he’ll call and does, and a man who says he’ll call and disappears for three days.
When women tell me they feel anxious in dating, nine times out of ten, they’re dealing with a man who lacks this trait.
I’ve often said that my wife didn’t meet the image I’d built in my mind of my ideal partner. Turns out she didn’t have to. The one thing I know about her is that she’ll ALWAYS do the right thing. She’s honest, ethical, good to the core, and I never have to worry about whether I trust her to do the right thing. Why would ANYONE have a partner they can’t trust?
The third trait is extraversion.
This one is often misunderstood. It’s less about being loud and more about engagement and initiative. A man with healthy extraversion leans in. He asks you out. He expresses interest. He creates momentum.
A man on the low end may be perfectly nice, but he leaves you guessing. You end up doing the emotional labor, initiating plans, wondering where you stand.
Attraction needs movement. Relationships stall when no one is driving.
In my marriage, my wife is very affable, but I’m more extraverted. I’m the one who looks for cool things to do in Los Angeles, makes the reservations, and picks up the check. I’m the one who called my wife every day we were dating – and she never had to call me once.
I don’t judge those who are more passive and content doing nothing; I just think it’s a lot easier to understand the intent of a man who leads your relationship forward.
The fourth trait is agreeableness.
This is about kindness, empathy, and cooperation. A man high in agreeableness is considerate, respectful, and capable of seeing your point of view.
A man low in this trait turns everything into a negotiation or a fight.
If every disagreement feels like a battle, you’re not dealing with a “strong personality.” You’re dealing with someone who lacks the emotional generosity required for a healthy relationship.
I’m thrilled to say I chose a partner whose default setting is to please others – and it’s rubbed off on me over the past 19 years. The best dating advice I can give to men is to say “Yes, dear,” rather than “You’re not the boss of me!”
The fifth trait is emotional stability – a lack of neuroticism.
This might be the most important of all.
Emotional stability is about how someone handles stress, conflict, and uncertainty. A man who is emotionally stable doesn’t spiral, withdraw or lash out when things get hard.
The question isn’t whether challenges will arise. The question is whether he can handle them without making you feel unsafe or misunderstood.
My wife is decidedly less neurotic than I am. I hate that but it’s true. I’m grateful that most of the time, I lead a stress-free life. I’m also conscious of the costs of being with someone on an emotional roller-coaster.
If I could give anyone blanket relationship advice applicable to all sexes: marry someone happy and reasonable. If you choose “unhappy and unreasonable” men, all the chemistry and common interests will not matter.
Now step back and look at what we’ve been taught to prioritize instead. Height. Income. Shared hobbies. Whether he likes dogs. Whether he grew up in the same religion.
These things are easy to see. They’re easy to list on a profile. They’re easy to bond over on a first date. But they tell you almost nothing about how a relationship is going to feel in six months, much less six years.
A man can check every box on your list and still be rigid, inconsistent, passive, combative, and emotionally volatile. A man who doesn’t perfectly match your “type” can be open, reliable, engaged, kind, and steady.
One of those men will give you butterflies. The other will give you peace.
If you want the relationship you deserve, you have to start paying attention to the traits that actually predict that outcome.
If this is hitting a nerve, it should.
Because once you see this, you can’t go back to choosing men the same way.
The only question is what you do with it.
If you’re ready to stop guessing and start choosing better, I invite you to schedule a private consultation with me.
We’ll talk about your patterns, what’s been keeping you stuck, and what it would take to finally create the relationship you deserve.
Love,
Evan
Jen knew that getting into an Ivy League school was competitive so she took all AP classes in high school and added four years of extracurriculars to get her into Dartmouth.
She knew she wanted a career with considerable financial upside, so she majored in economics. It was a male-dominated program and Jen knew she’d have to be tough to get ahead. She graduated magna cum laude and got a job straight out of school as an analyst for Smith Barney.
Back in the 90’s, it was full-on Wolf of Wall Street, so Jen learned how to put her head down, manage her emotions, and burn the midnight oil. In the first few years of her career, she was routinely clocking 16 hour days with no time to herself and barely any time for sleep.
She made great money and had little time to spend it. Then she met her husband – another mergers and acquisitions guy – in her late 20’s. He made enough for Jen to quit her day job and become a devoted stay-at-home-Mom in her 30’s.
While he paid for everything, she took care of everything else: The groceries. The social plans. The doctors’ appointments. The carpool. The club sports. The vacations.
Their roles became more well-defined and separate. The next thing you know, they had drifted apart. From the outside, they looked like the perfect family. From the inside, there wasn’t much left to them as a couple. Most of their conversations were about money and the kids, and the very things that brought them together no longer seemed to matter.
The 5 Love Languages? Jen’s husband barely spoke one.
Jen summoned the same skill set that took her from high school to Dartmouth and from Dartmouth to Wall Street. She doubled down on hard work. She went to therapy. She tried to drag her husband to therapy. She tried to plan date nights. In fact, at one point, Jen realized she was doing everything to bring them closer together and he was doing nothing.
But that didn’t stop her. As a hard-working, analytical, tenacious woman, she was not going down without a fight. Not with two kids. Not with their nice house. Not with the fear of starting over. Even though Jen would later estimate that they got along less than half the time, she stayed. She ignored her feelings of being unseen and resigned herself to being the best Mom she could be. By the time the kids were in high school, their marriage was a shell of the original thing that brought them together.
In school and your career, you put in the work, you get the reward.
Love doesn’t operate that way.
If it did, Jen would be a success, since no one will outwork her. But love isn’t about work; it’s about listening to your feelings. After two decades of ignoring her feelings, Jen divorced her husband and figured that, because she was a catch, she’d find a new man quickly.
But love is not a meritocracy – and you don’t succeed because you went to a good school, have a healthy bank account, and a well-worn passport. You don’t succeed by latching onto the first cute, rich guy who comes along and holding onto him for dear life, because you don’t like being alone and you don’t like dating.
That is intern behavior. You’re a CEO. A CEO knows that the secret to low employee turnover is to create a culture of accountability. To hire slowly and fire quickly.
This is the OPPOSITE of how most high-achieving, high net-worth women date.
You hire quickly – in the first few dates – but you may take decades to fire. All because of how tenacious you are. That’s the paradigm we have to break.
Jen’s story isn’t unique.
It’s what happens when you apply a success strategy that works everywhere else in your life to the one place where it backfires.
Your ability to push through, to stay committed, to outwork everyone in the room is exactly what made you successful.
It’s also what keeps you in relationships long after they stop feeling good.
If you’re ready to stop overinvesting in the wrong relationships and start choosing men who actually show up for you, I invite you to take the next step.
You deserve to have the easy, lasting relationship you’ve always worked so hard for.
You’ve been having sex for decades. You’re sexually liberated, comfortable in your own skin, and can communicate what turns you on. You like sex. And when you haven’t been having sex for a long period of time, sometimes, you just want to have sex with the cute guy who is flirting hard with you on the third date.
No one – especially not me – would blame you for your desire. Lust is primal, and sometimes you just have to indulge it and deal with the consequences. So, what are the most common consequences of sleeping with a man who is not your boyfriend?
1. Things continue casually without commitmentIf a guy enjoys your company but doesn’t see you as a girlfriend, sleeping together usually cements that. He’ll keep things fun and easy, but he won’t be escalating the relationship. Next thing you know, seeing him for three or four months but he’s NOT your boyfriend.
2. He disappears or loses interestSome men see sex as the finish line. Once they get it, the curiosity fades. If he wasn’t that serious to begin with, intimacy accelerates his exit. If you’ve ever slept with a guy who ghosts entirely or does the slow fade over a few weeks, you know how bad it feels.
3. You feel more attached than he doesWomen release oxytocin during sex, which deepens emotional bonding. Men don’t release it to the same degree. That’s why women often feel closer after sex, while men may be unchanged. In other words, you may want to separate sex from emotion, but when you’re sleeping with someone regularly, it’s not always easy to do.
4. You’re stuck in limboHe’s still texting and seeing you, but there’s no forward movement. You’re giving him girlfriend benefits without a commitment, and you’re left wondering if you’re more than a hookup. Plus, you’re too afraid to say anything because the second you bring up commitment, you know that it’s all over.
5. It becomes a relationship — but only if it was headed that way alreadyThe rarest outcome. Men who commit after sex were already seeing you as potential girlfriend material before you slept together. Sex doesn’t turn a casual guy into a serious partner; it just confirms his existing intentions.
What’s Most Likely on the Third DateIf you sleep with a man on the third date, here’s what happens most often:
- If he’s serious and emotionally available, it won’t change a thing. He’ll keep pursuing you.
- If he’s just in it for fun, sleeping together makes it obvious sooner rather than later. The wrong guys fade, the right guys stick.
(For a deeper dive, I wrote a viral post on why women should wait for sex that you may find eye-opening.)
The Probability CurveBased on both science and 20 years of coaching, here’s how things usually break down after early sex (first 3–5 dates):
- 40% – Things fizzle quickly (ghosting, pullback, minimal effort)
- 35% – It continues casually without commitment (situationship, no clarity)
- 20% – It becomes a short-term relationship (3–6 months)
- 5% – It turns into a healthy long-term relationship
Sex doesn’t scare away the right guy, but it can make it harder to discern between the ones who want to commit and the ones who don’t.
(And if you’ve already slept with him sooner than you’d like, don’t panic. I did a Love U Podcast episode on exactly what to do next and another on the difference between sex and commitment that may help you reset your mindset.)
Here’s the takeaway:
You can sleep with whomever you want, whenever you want. But if you’re looking for love, it often serves you to wait until you know he’s a boyfriend before you act like a girlfriend.
If you’ve been getting stuck in this gray area with men, let’s talk. I’ll show you how to stop giving your heart and body to men who aren’t investing equally in you.
Love,
Evan
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If you don’t know anyone from Long Island, the first thing you need to know is that all locals are indoctrinated to love Billy Joel. When classic rock stations in New York would do their Top 500 countdowns on Labor Day, there’d always be 10 Billy Joel songs beating out classics by Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones.
Well, after watching the 5-hr Billy Joel documentary on HBO Max, I took a second to reflect on why he means so much to me – and, in turn, what he can teach you.
- It’s hard to escape your past. Billy Joel’s father was a Holocaust survivor who moved back to Europe when Billy was 8. Billy’s entire career is about proving himself to his distant father, and everything else – including love – became secondary.
- Bright, passionate, self-made millionaires tend to work a lot, travel a lot, do not like being told what to do, and do not like compromising. Despite their charisma, they’re rarely great partners because their needs always come first.
- We all come back to love. There’s a reason Billy Joel has written so beautifully about love, why he’s gotten married four times, and why, in his 70’s, he seems to have finally figured out what’s most important in life.
Finally, as a die-hard Billy Joel fan, I want to share the lyrics to one of his most profound songs. Read them closely and you’ll understand exactly how this pertains to you.
An Innocent Man, by Billy Joel, copyright 1983
Some people stay far away from the door
If there’s a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by
Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie
I know you’re only protecting yourself
I know you’re thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you
But I’m not above
Making up for the love
You’ve been denying you could ever feel
I’m not above doing anything
To restore your faith if I can
Some people see through the eyes of the old
Before they ever get a look at the young
I’m only willing to hear you cry
Because I am an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
Some people say they will never believe
Another promise they hear in the dark
Because they only remember too well
They heard somebody tell them before
Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed
Some people find that it’s easier to hate
Than to wait anymore
I know you don’t want to hear what I say
I know you’re gonna keep turning away
But I’ve been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I’m not above going through it again
I’m not above being cool for a while
If you’re cruel to me I’ll understand
Some people run from a possible fight
Some people figure they can never win
And although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man
You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you’d rather be a martyr tonight
That’s your decision
But I’m not below
Anybody I know
If there’s a chance of resurrecting a love
I’m not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began
Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I’m not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man
Yes, this is a song that was clearly written for a dating coach.
Every week, you tell me how hurt you are, how much you mistrust men, how there’s no point to online dating, and how there are no good ones left,
You’ve decided that you’d rather be alone than take a chance on a new man.
Even though you’re not satisfied being alone.
Even though the next guy you meet has nothing to do with the last one who hurt you.
Even though you know that everything I’m telling you about men is TRUE – that we want to take care of you, we want to be accepted, and we want to have the same fun, trust, passion and companionship that you do.
So every time you bristle against my advice, remember that I am an innocent man.
And so are all the good guys out there who have to fight against your defenses. Your fear. Your pain. Your lack of trust. Your emails about what’s wrong with men don’t hurt me. They just make me want to try harder to get through to you – to show you that there ARE men who can make you happy.
But you can’t meet them if you never go on any dates.
And you can’t meet them if you “hate” dating.
And you can’t connect with them if you’re emotionally guarded.
And you can’t sustain your relationship if you’re not trusting.
There’s a good chance your subconscious beliefs about men lead you to create a push-pull dynamic that undermines all your relationships.
Please, let me help you get over all the problems in your past, and forge a bright, new, powerful future in love.
Warmest wishes and all my love,
Your friend,
Evan
P.S. High-quality men don’t want perfection. They want emotional safety. (For real!) I’ll show you exactly how to create it — without losing yourself.
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Sharyn is a 53-year-old single mom who makes high-stakes decisions as an RN at a major hospital. She was brought up in a conservative Christian household where she was taught that her responsibility was to obey her husband’s wishes. And she did, for nearly 25 years.
Kelly is a 44-year-old without children who is an executive business coach for high-powered women. Her parents are still together in a miserable marriage that her Mom should have left over 40 years ago.
Jeannie is a 68-year-old who has made millions in real estate. She had a philandering father and a controlling and abusive ex-husband who refused to listen to her feelings or resolve conflict peacefully.
These women are assertive and confident at work, and paralyzed by insecurity, fear, and indecision when it comes to love.
My guess is that you share something in common with at least one of them.
You’re highly competent. You’re financially independent. You’ve accomplished almost all that you’ve set out to accomplish. But you have an iffy man-picker and you’ve struggled to set boundaries and break up with men who didn’t treat you well.
And now that you’re at a good place in your life, you’re wondering what’s next. It could be another European vacation. It could be another promotion. But generally, if you’re reading my words right now, it’s because you want a partner. And you don’t know where to begin.
Usually, it starts with admitting your feelings to yourself.
Today, I’d like you to do a short exercise with me and focus on WHY you want a partner.
This is harder than it looks. Usually, women tell me WHAT they want: a best friend, lover, and partner in crime, who listens to them, travels with them and supports them emotionally, physically and financially. That’s not what I’m asking.
I’m asking you for a list of adjectives to describe the emotions you’ll feel when you get this person. Examples may include: happy, excited, relieved, joyous, proud, confident, relaxed, adored, cherished, desirable, worthy, calm, connected, fulfilled, complete, taken care of and my 3 favorites: safe, heard, and understood.
Now you can see the difference between searching for a tall, smart wealthy man with similar beliefs and hobbies and what you’re REALLY looking for: a man who makes you feel like the best version of yourself.
My job is to get you to listen to your feelings and trust your judgment with men.
Sharyn, Kelly and Jeannie did NOT before they met me. In fact, for decades, they ignored their feelings because that’s what they were taught in their childhoods.
Within months, they turned their love lives around. Now, they’re seeing good, relationship-oriented men and not only believe in love but more importantly, believe in themselves!
Click here if you want to be next.
I always believe in you.
Love,
Evan
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My wife has breast cancer.
Specifically, stage 2 triple-negative invasive ductal carcinoma, poorly differentiated, with focal possible metaplastic changes.
These are the things you learn about when someone you love gets cancer.
I considered doing a podcast to talk about this but since there’s a 100% chance of me crying, I’m sticking with what I’ve done for over 20 years: writing down my thoughts.
They’re a little jumbled right now, so I’m going to put them in a list instead of spending hours trying to make it flow into coherent paragraphs:
- Before this happened, my marriage was as good as it’s ever been. After nearly 17 years, we have great communication and understanding, we don’t try to change each other, we have tons of quality time together and with our kids, and I can’t even remember the last time we had anything resembling a fight.
- Both my Mom’s partner and my sister got Stage 1 breast cancer and went through radiation earlier this year, so we were pretty even-keeled after the initial diagnosis three weeks ago.
- The game changer was when we learned the results of the biopsy, which indicated that this is an aggressive form of cancer, which often leads to a double mastectomy.
- The kids have been surprisingly strong. This may be the first bad news they’ve ever gotten. I think the fact that my wife is a sunny person helps a lot.
- While I’m worried for my wife’s life, she seems more upset at other things: this is going to ruin our summer vacation, she will likely lose her hair before our son’s bar mitzvah in October, she really likes her breasts and does not want to lose them.
- My wife was very concerned about telling her inner circle before word got out. Evidently, one of the worst things would be if a friend heard through the grapevine without hearing it directly from her. I do not operate this way.
- I thought of not saying anything at all publicly until this was over. The reason I chose to post it on my private Facebook page is that we were looking for doctors to offer us second opinions, and we didn’t know any doctors.
- It was beautiful to see how many people wanted to help. People I met once twenty years ago. Friends from elementary school. Ex-girlfriends. Amazing.
- I started a Google Doc with over 50 cancer specialists in Los Angeles, some of whom were recommended by 6 or 7 women. It’s alarming how common breast cancer is. I’m already worried for my daughter.
- My inclination is to dedicate all my non-working time to this, which isn’t healthy, but it’s how I roll. My wife’s inclination is to pack in all the fun she can possibly have before the bad stuff happens. She hosted three parties in the past 10 days and we went wine tasting this past weekend. Combined, I think we have the right approach.
- The beginning of this journey is overwhelming. So many friends, so many opinions, so many doctors, so much terminology, so many contradictions, so little certainty.
- We’re both having trouble sleeping – both getting to sleep and staying asleep. The second we recognize we’re awake, the C-word comes roaring back into consciousness.
- A few people have asked me how I’m doing, which is unexpected, but nice.
- We can’t plan for anything. We don’t know how she’ll recover from surgery, what the analysis of the cancerous tissue will reveal, what kind of treatment is necessary, who is providing services, how we’re going to pay for it, whether more surgeries will be required, and how long this is going to play out.
- I’m a little afraid of what happens when my wife is in chemo and I have to take care of everything myself – not just paying the bills but driving the kids, buying food, cooking dinner, taking care of my wife’s needs. Happy marriage has spoiled me.
- Also: single parents have the toughest job in the world.
- We have a family saying: “It’s a bad day, not a bad life.” We are modifying that to read, “It’s gonna be a bad year, not a bad life.”
- While this is rough, we have a ton of support, and my wife and I remain in the luckiest 99th percentile of all people.
- We’re so grateful to have each other. We’re so grateful to have you.
- We’re gonna beat this thing!
Love,
Evan
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I have a theory: good qualities come with bad qualities. Not always, but often. The brilliant guy is often arrogant or socially awkward. The gorgeous guy is often shallow and less empathetic. The rich guy is often a workaholic and control freak.
I’ve long witnessed this phenomenon when listening to women complain about the men they’re dating. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve tried to shine the light on myself.
What defined me at 15 or 25 or 35 may not work any longer when I’m in my 50s.
This became apparent on a monthly Zoom call with the Los Angeles chapter of Modern Elder Academy (www.meawisdom.com) where I’ve been an active member since last year.
The woman running the call asked us one simple question to discuss in a breakout room:
What armor are you starting to take off? This could be a role you no longer want to perform, a habit of self-protection, or an old belief that once served you but now feels tight or heavy. What is it protecting you from? And what becomes possible without it?
I thought about it and the answer just poured out of me.
My entire life has been driven by two beliefs:
- I was born with a gift and it’s my responsibility to use it.
- I will never fail because I didn’t work hard enough.
Thus, my gift with words and my work ethic are both my blessing AND my curse.
In high school, I studied my ass off to earn a National Merit Scholarship and get into a top university.
In college, I was the rush chair, head tour guide, and newspaper’s comedy columnist.
By senior year, I nearly dropped out due to regular panic attacks and generalized anxiety. Turns out I was great at being a student but was petrified about being an adult.
My 20s were brutal. I had the same gift of gab and the same work ethic – but this time, nothing worked. 15 sitcoms and 12 screenplays later, I was depressed, under-employed, and didn’t know what the future held.
I got lucky at age 31. I wrote a book about online dating that did well, I dropped out of film school, and hung out a shingle as the dating guy. No experience. No qualifications. Just the same two beliefs: “you have a gift with words” and “no one will outwork you.”
Like Alexander Hamilton, I’ve been writing like I’m running out of time for my entire adult life. 1000 blog posts, 1000 newsletters, 400 podcasts. Working 9:30-6:30 every weekday, rarely taking days or weeks off. I believed that work was my mission. And hey, all things considered: it’s not a bad mission.
But it does feel tight. It does feel heavy. It does feel that I’ve spent too many hours in an office, alone, and that I’m longing for more real-life connection and less of a rigid work schedule. So I’m gently letting go of my deepest held beliefs that no longer serve me.
I don’t need to be the smartest guy in the room. I don’t need to be the biggest name in dating coaching. I don’t need to work every day, nor every week. I don’t need to measure my success with vanity stats like followers or revenue. I need to be softer, humbler, kinder to myself, more compassionate to others. My legacy will be measured in the quality of my relationships and the relationships I’ve helped others attain.
Maybe you don’t have the exact same beliefs but if you’re like many of my readers and clients, your self-worth is almost inextricable from your achievements.
What happens when you disentangle your achievements from your identity? Who are you if you’re not your education, your career, your hobbies, and your possessions?
You might be surprised that you don’t know – and are scared of finding out.
That’s good. Being driven is often a compensation for a lack of love. You double down on work (or parenting or traveling or home renovation) to compensate.
What if you slowed down? What if you let go of that belief that you are your work, your perfectionism, your credentials, your children’s achievements?
Maybe you, too, could stand to be softer, humbler, kinder to myself, more compassionate to others. Maybe you could embody what it really means to love and be loved.
Evan
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This is a free preview of a paid episode.
Click here to join for Lovesplaining for free and listen our conversation.
On this video coaching call with Kathryn, we discuss how to balance relationship dynamics and personal development. We cover:
Deciphering Relationship Signals: Kathryn shares her concerns about distinguishing between genuine red flags and opportunities for growth in her budding romance.
Understanding Gender Identity: Delve into a thought-provoking discussion about its impact on relationships, as Kathryn grapples with her partner’s genderqueer identity and associated challenges.
Setting Healthy Boundaries: We discuss the delicate balance between compassion and self-preservation in supporting a partner through personal struggles.
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Note: This may be my most personal post in 20 years of writing online. Please read until the end. Thank you.
My wife has been going through a tough time. I don’t want to overshare but she’s fighting a three-front battle that’s taking an emotional toll on her:
- She’s dealing with menopause.
She’s sleeping poorly, she’s been ill-tempered, and she has little energy to do the things she once loved doing: planning parties and vacations. In short, she hasn’t been herself, she knows it, and she’s struggling with it.
- Our kids are growing up.
My wife quit her 16-year career when our daughter was born. After choosing “eternity leave”, she became a kick-ass stay-at-home parent. Class mom. School treasurer. Center of the Calabasas mommy-verse. Now, the kids are in 5th and 7th grade and my wife’s job description has changed to “chauffeur.”
Soccer practice. Drama club. Hebrew school. Sleepovers. Birthday parties.
It’s great for the kids; it kind of sucks for her.
- It’s time to change – and my wife doesn’t do change.
When I told her to take a personal growth seminar 17 years ago, my wife said, with a smile, “Evan, you do all this self-help, and yet I’m happier than you. So, please stop telling me what books I should read or what classes to take.”
Basically, she told me to shut the fuck up – and she was 100% right.
She WAS happier than I was.
Until now.
Read the full post on Lovesplaining.
I recently went to Disneyland for my son’s 11th birthday.
My wife has a very specific idea about what a day at Disneyland looks like. It begins at 7:30 a.m. to hit the most popular rides as soon as they open. It ends at 9:30 p.m. with a parade and fireworks. It’s a 14-hour extravaganza.
Her plan was executed to perfection. By lunch, the Katz family had gone on the two Star Wars rides, Big Thunder Mountain, Matterhorn, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Small World. And we were already exhausted.
My daughter asked me if we could leave early. I felt similarly but wanted to give my wife and son the day they wanted. After a few discussions, we arrived at this: we’d go on any ride where there was a short line or we had a FastPass, but we were not going to wait for an hour to go on any ride for a second time.
We hit the Mad Tea Party at 3. We drove cars at Autopia at 4. Finally, my wife agreed that sticking around for 5 hours just to make it to the fireworks didn’t make sense. We left at 5:30, ate dinner at Outback Steakhouse on the ride home, and were back by 8:30.
Why am I telling you this not-so-interesting story of internal family conflict?
Because it’s indicative of how we solve problems. We listened to each other. We compromised. We understood that every second we gave up at Disneyland was a loss for my son and my wife, while every second we stayed felt like a loss for my daughter and me. It wasn’t high-stakes but it was typical of the things that people routinely fight about which erode relationships.
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For all the talk about how women are faced with sexual harassment, emotionally stunted men or the hell that is Tinder... for all the talk about emotional labor and the death of marriage... the truth is, there's never been a better time to be alive and dating. Don't believe me?
Evidently, the secret of life is something that folks have been looking for a long, long time. Now, I’m not going to claim to know the secret of life – not yet, anyway – but I’m pretty sure I know the secret to a long-term relationship. It starts with learning from the wisdom of people who are different than you are – old married couples...
Not in a society in which admitting one's desire for something traditional is often twisted into a retrograde, anti-feminist message, rather than what it is: a deep and aching need for many women.
Catron does make a valid case - made by Eli Finkel in The All Or Nothing Marriage - that we expect too much from marriage. One person is now supposed to provide what an entire community provided in the past. She's right. And it's why choosing the right spouse is literally the most important decision you'll ever make.
I was going to write more about the six important steps that the author used to make this lifestyle choice work for him, but to me, the existence of such an article is all the proof I need that "open" relationships require WAY too much work for my taste.
Like political problems, I don't claim to have the answer, but I know the problem isn't solved by demonizing one side and ignoring its feelings. Men do need to understand their wives, empathize with their plights, and offer to do more where possible.
“Passion” is a loaded and subjective word. It usually implies physical passion above all. And yes, for the most part, your physical passion will peak in the first 18 months you’re dating. Real life is how your relationship looks AFTERWARDS – which is why I say not to get married for two to three years.
If someone could give you an actuarial chart with real numbers, perhaps you’d feel better, but without that, all you have is your imagination and your fears of the worst-case scenario. Since you didn’t mention what this condition is, I couldn’t do further research, so allow me to relate a personal anecdote that I’ve never shared in twelve years of blogging:
My test for relationship compatibility inside Love U is far simpler: how do you feel in your relationship on a day to day basis, year after year? If it's good, don't worry about whether you're an INTJ or whether he makes as much money as you.
"Building and sustaining a marriage...typically requires substantial investments of time, attention, patience, and responsiveness, investments that are harder for poorer, less-educated Americans to make. "
I know it may sound irresponsible to say that given your marriage vows and the fact that I don’t know you. But I have had way too many women turn to me after 25-year marriages just like yours – and ALL of them wish they had the guts to prioritize their happiness sooner.
I haven't done this for a long time, but an individual comment on this post just rubbed me the wrong way. Since I couldn't shake the feeling, I figured this would be a great opportunity to explain myself to anyone who may have the same perceptions as this reader about me and my "uninspiring" marriage.
We were in a very toxic and abusive relationship. It all ended when I decided to press charges on him at the beginning of my pregnancy. I wasn't ready to let go at first but I am now. He threatened a false annulment and said that he had the paperwork for me to sign.
As a longtime reader of your blog, I know you're a proponent of good marriages as opposed to marrying solely for the sake of not being alone. I was recently watching a late night show on which Michelle Obama appeared and said, "If you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good! Anybody would take those odds."
I’m 42 years old and my boyfriend is almost 48. He was married once before and has two young adult children. We’ve been together for five years. Three years in, I asked about marriage and he told me he wasn’t ready. I was ready to break up with him until he gave me a sweet promise ring and swore that he really does want to marry me, but he just wasn’t ready and needed more time.
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." It's a cliche for a reason. We take for granted the things and people we see every day and we deeply crave what most of us cannot have regularly: a new car, an amazing massage, a fancy vacation.
I'm 36 and he's 38. We both want to get married and have kids. He finished grad school 2 years ago and so he's only been working in his new profession for 2 years. He was doing odd jobs before that and so he doesn’t have any savings, but he does have student loans.
I’m a writer. I can’t say whether I’m any good. All I can say is that I’m prolific. I wrote the comedy column in my college newspaper. I wrote a dozen screenplays and 15 sitcoms when I moved to LA in my twenties.
I am a married woman who has husband and a son. I have recently got in touch with my first ex. Well, technically we never met. I met him 20 years ago and for some reason we didn't meet up and it has always been a void in my heart.
Behold a telling infographic called “The Age That Women Have Babies: How a Gap Divides America.” While the average age of first childbirth is still 26, that’s a median between two extremes.