Help Me! Newsletter: Recent Episodes
Marianne Power
Good news! This week my brain has actually functioned for two days! It wasn’t a full snap, crackle and pop up there but there was definitely hints of crackling and a couple of borderline snaps. It was delicious! Welcome back old brain! I will never take you for granted again!
For today’s newsletter, I asked Joanna Kelly to write a piece for us about what it’s like to be job hunting in a pandemic, after we had a conversation that made me want to laugh and cry and then laugh again.
I met Jo in a newspaper office in Dublin where we bonded over midnight finishes and after-hours Guinness. She is a good friend, writer and editor.
Here is her piece followed by the usual reading / viewing / eating recommendations from me…
By JOANNA KELLY
I need a job, a haircut, and a vaccine. But I’m not sure which will come first, or if I can even have one without the other.
This time last year I was an editor in an actual office with real humans. When lockdown hit, I worked from home and compiled a newspaper from my kitchen table. It was the most difficult job I’ve ever had to do.
But it was fulfilling work. I was in charge of a local government newspaper and helped deliver covid-19 crisis information to residents in lockdown. Writing about NHS doctors and frontline staff gave me a purpose and made me feel as though I was a 1940s auxiliary worker doing my bit for the ‘wartime effort’.
Then the contract came to an end in December - and three months later, I’m struggling to even get a part-time job.
Every day I wake up and go online to check the latest vacancies. If it looks like I could possibly do it - I hit ‘Apply’. With more than 15 years’ experience in newsrooms, I should be in with a shot. But apparently not.
Recruiters aren’t calling me back. And this year-long sluggishness is making it hard to differentiate between what is my part and what is their part.
Just to make sure I was as well-equipped as I could be, I paid £129 for a CV refresh expert. The writer, ‘Leo’, replying from America, assured me that my old ‘résumé’ wasn’t ‘selling’ my skills enough so what he sent back was a CV that made me sound like Iron Man. If he had it his way, he’d have recruiters believe that I singlehandedly built the Hadron Collider and can ‘tirelessly leverage this results-driven agility for your organization’ - said in a New York accent and sent to a small charity in Surrey. ‘Leverage’? I check spelling. I’ve never ‘leveraged’ anything in my life.
However, Leo may be right. I’m doing something wrong.
The four virtual interviews I’ve done so far have been total failures. And I’m happy to take full responsibility for that. You know when people tell you to be yourself? Yeah, well, it's not the best approach when the real you is flat, weary and tired. To be frank, I’m completely drained right now. I miss my friends. I’d like a hug. And I’d really like a haircut, man. Zoom calls aren’t flattering at the best of times, they’re even less so when you look like both Cousin Itt and Uncle Fester at the same time. So I’m finding myself being professionally ghosted. Like a date that’s used an old profile pic to lure you in, I’m a disappointment. I’m not ‘The One’. And it hurts.
Like many people, I am depressed. But I’m supposed to put on my best face for recruiters and pretend that I haven’t just tried to not die for the past 12 months. They ask what I’m passionate about. What am I passionate about? I don’t know… Can I just pay the rent and get a vaccine first?!
Interviewers want examples of how you are trying to save the world with this ‘passion’. So I took this tip and applied to PETA, the animal rights people, of which I’ve been a member since 2006 and have protested for many times. How much more ‘passionate’ can you get? PETA then sent me five questionnaires for their editor vacancy to fill out which I diligently answered and even attached a pic of me in a PETA shirt. Their curt reply was that I made a mistake on the test but they didn’t make clear what the mistake was. I wanted an answer because, dammit, I’ve stood out in the rain protesting for PETA for years! They did not respond. Possibly because my emails came across as crazy but, hey - that’s what made me a PETA member in the first place. They can’t have it every way.
Last month I received an interview invite from a heart publication. In the interview, I talked about my family experiences of losing a sibling to a heart problem and spoke from the heart, no pun intended. But I also accidentally left my laundry in the background because the video call view was on MS Teams and not Gmail where I tested the screen layout. Having recently moved house, my new ‘office’ is a spare room full of bags waiting to be put away when I can buy a new wardrobe. So while I was regaling interviewers with my past employment, they could also see a Christmas tree and an M&S bag toppling over with towels and a hot water bottle. A few days later, I got an email to say that I wasn’t successful because I ‘didn’t have enough knowledge of the subject area’. Rubbish - it was the February Christmas tree, wasn’t it?
I can't seem to meet anyone's expectations right now and it's crushing. To succeed, I must up my game. I need to be more Leo. I bet Leo doesn’t get sad. I bet Leo just gets more awesome. I bet Leo’s Christmas tree is long tucked away. Mental note - be more Leo.
Friends rightly point out that recruiters must be suffering as well. Maybe they’re homeschooling several kids. Maybe they've lost a loved one. Maybe it’s long covid, they're afraid of losing their jobs, or maybe all of the above. So many variables. How well people are truly functioning right now is guesswork. Though rejection stings, this is not a normal period of time. Yardsticks aren’t helpful to anyone right now. Compassion is key.
If this past year has shown us anything, it’s that we are all just human. Planet Earth was here first, our time is fleeting. We’re all just trying to survive. I don’t know how younger jobseekers without much experience are making it at this time, along with everything else. So reach out to your nearest jobseeker today, they may need a few soft words of support. We need hope and reminders that things change. It’s tough and our bills are multiplying quicker than John Travolta’s chills.
In the meantime, I will keep applying. Wish me luck.
You can follow Jo on twitter here.
WHAT I’M READING
There were so many good articles online this week, here are a few.
Please please read this article in the New Statesman if you have time. It’s a powerful description of the grief that we are all experiencing, whether we realise it or not. Here is a quote from it: ‘The enormity of this crisis is too much to compute while you sit doom-scrolling on your sofa, but that doesn’t mean it can’t crush you. “Many people say they are feeling a heavy sadness – and what they’re describing is grief,” the psychologist David Kessler told the Guardian recently. “Everything has changed. And change is actually grief – grief is a change we didn’t want.”
Also, The Harvard Business Review is excellent on what businesses should be doing to alleviate the burn out many of us are experiencing.
This article in The Guardian explains how our brains are craving novelty right now - which is why a trip to the supermarket can feel like the height of excitement. I went to a deli I don’t normally go to this week and it was like an art gallery of fancy packaging! So pretty!
And another piece in the Guardian explains how just as we need a variety of foods to make a healthy diet, so we need a variety of interactions to make a healthy social life. We need deep conversations and small talk, jokes and physical contact. Many of us are missing the small talk component right now, having lost those moments of interaction we get by chatting in the lift, or having lunch with a colleague. It makes sense to me. That’s why a long talk with loved ones won’t always make you feel better. Sometimes you need banter with a stranger, in a pub, after three pints. The article didn’t actually say that, I’m extrapolating…
Finally, for Covid-related stories - this article explains why the pandemic has affected menstrual cycles, which is something I’ve heard from many friends.
In NON-Covid reading - I hear that there is a Whiskey flavoured Kit Kats are all the rage in Japan!
And this piece in the New Yorker is long and fascinating. It’s about how polyamorists and polygamists are changing family norms and quotes sex therapist, Ted talker Esther Perel who says that traditional monogamy is on the wane and perhaps increasingly untenable. “Many social norms don’t fit human nature,” she told me. “For most of history, monogamy was one person for life. At this point, monogamy is one person at a time. The first freedom was that we can actually, finally have sex with other people before we are together. Now we want to have that freedom while we are together. The conversation about consensual non-monogamy today is the conversation about virginity sixty years ago. Or the conversation about divorce twenty years before that.”
You can view my full list of recommended books below.
WHAT I’M LISTENING TO
Tim Ferris interviewing Joyce Carole Oats was lovely.
WHAT I’M WATCHING
The Morning Show with Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon. It was excellent.
WHAT I’M BUYING
Vegetables! I am doing my very best to get this brain of mine back in action, with a lot of vegetables, sleep and supplements. I have a feeling that what it really needs is hugs but until that’s possible I’ll keep buying broccoli. And here, just for fun, is a picture of a man dressed as a carrot.
We’re back in April! I’ve missed them - and you - so much. I’ll share the link for tickets next week, also I have other events planned for April which I hope you’ll like. If there is anything in particular you need help with / would like to explore - do let me know and I’ll find an expert and see if they’ll do a workshop for us.
Thanks for subscribing! I'm Marianne. I am the bestselling author of Help Me! and creator of the Writing for Fun and Sanity Workshops. You can also follow me on Instagram HERE and Facebook HERE
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EDITED BY Wendy Mach
IMAGE BY Natalie Winterlich
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helpmenewsletter.substack.com
I went to the doctor to get blood tests yesterday. It was very exciting. I walked down streets I don’t normally walk down, pressed a buzzer, waved at the receptionist and then sat down in the waiting room with its precisely spaced out chairs. It was quite the sensation overload. There were posters telling me about the staff in the clinic, arrows telling us what way to walk and a television screen with names of the people seen flashing on it.
It reminded me of going into town with mum for a Christmas drink, in between lockdowns. Just getting on to the train felt like a trip to another world— the patterned tiles of the tube! How had I not noticed them before? They were gorgeous. So gorgeous I took photographs. And the posters! They were talking to me! All sorts of messages about my banking and my mattress and how I could start investing for the price of one cup of coffee a week! Thanks for the info, guys!
And the designs on the seats! IT WAS ART! I took more photos. By the time we got to Piccadilly, well, as mum said, ‘I feel like Emily in Paris!’
It was almost too much.
So the doctor’s surgery was pretty much Piccadilly at Christmas minus the fairy lights.
Unfortunately, they were running a tight ship and I was seen on time, which meant I couldn’t strike up a conversation with the people sitting so close and yet so far from me. Why are you here? I wanted to ask. Are you okay? What’s your favourite colour?
But it was okay because I went to the nurse’s room and she was full of chat! Was it cold outside, she asked. Her son didn’t want to wear a coat today but she’d insisted on it. He’s seven next week, she said. They were getting him a scooter.
So much news to absorb from a human I did not know —whom I was sitting next to in the flesh! Meanwhile, she’d taken blood out and I hadn’t really noticed. I looked at it in the vial on the table. So red! So much of it!
When she put the plaster on, with a little bit of cotton wool, I felt disappointed. Do I have to go? So soon? Can’t I hang out a while? Have a chat? Do you want to take more blood?
On the way out, I saw a poster by her door - PHLEBOTOMISTS ALWAYS WORK IN VEIN! I burst out laughing. That’s really good, I said. Your poster. She smiled but her heart wasn’t in it, she was tidying things away and getting ready for her next human. I felt sad.
And then I realised that I have gone a tiny bit mad.
I miss humans so much right now, it’s painful. A friend texted on St Patrick’s Day to say she wished we were in a pub drinking pints and singing along to ‘Come on Eileen’. Just the thought of it brought tears to my eyes.
‘I want to be in a room of Guinness farts’ I replied. And I really did.
It’s not just people and hugs (and farts) I miss but the lightness of conversation. I miss chats that don’t revolve around Covid. I miss fun. I miss letting off steam. I miss drinking too much and talking too much and getting dressed up and looking at other people dressed up and walking down roads that I don’t live on. I miss making plans. I miss stimulation.
I wasn’t feeling this way a couple of weeks ago, when I declared that I didn’t want my social life back. Back then, the thought of being busy again felt too much but now my need for people is stronger than my need for peace. So in short, I’ve changed my mind! I want it back. Please invite me to everything!
But God knows how re-entry into social life will go.
On the way back from the doctor’s, I saw a woman I recognised. We stopped on the pavement, said ‘hi’ and then stood in silence as we reached around in our heads for small talk.
‘I just tried to go for a run,’ she told me.
‘That’s good,’ I said.
‘But I couldn’t do it. I have no energy.’
‘I’ve just been to the doctor to get blood tests. I’m sleeping all the time and I can’t think straight.’
‘My period is on day nine, I don’t know what’s going on,’ she replied.
‘My memory is so bad, I couldn’t remember the name of my doctor’s surgery when I tried to make an appointment,’ I said.
We played ping pong with our weird symptoms/ sleeping / washing /eating habits before we said, ‘Okay then, bye’ and went on our way.
I got a text from her later: ‘I can’t believe I was telling you about my periods, I’m sorry. I don’t know how to talk to people anymore.’
I told her I liked it. And I do. I like that we don’t have our game face on anymore and that the truth is tumbling out of our mouths but it’s weird. Everything is weird. The oversharing, the under-sharing, the not knowing whether we will ever be normal again, or if we even want to be or can be. The swinging between yearning to be back into the world and being scared of it.
After the excitement of two real-life conversations, I fell asleep for an hour. When I woke up, my skin was covered with a film of sweat and I had that familiar feeling of confusion: where am I? Who am I? What the hell is happening?
I don’t know anymore.
WHAT I’M READING
There is so much more to say about what’s going on between men and women but I don’t have the brainpower to put my thoughts together. For now, this article in the Guardian was moving. It’s by Australian writer, Tim Winton, about how the patriarchy punishes men too.
“Toxic masculinity is a burden to men. I’m not for a moment suggesting men and women suffer equally from misogyny, because that’s clearly and fundamentally not true. And nobody needs to hear me mansplaining on the subject of the patriarchy. But I think we forget or simply don’t notice the ways in which men, too, are shackled by misogyny. It narrows their lives. Distorts them. And that sort of damage radiates; it travels, just as trauma is embedded and travels and metastasizes in families. Slavery should have taught us that. The Stolen Generations are still teaching us. Misogyny, like racism, is one of the great engines of intergenerational trauma.”
This article from Marina Hyde was brilliant in summing up how common place it is for men to be aggressive towards women and ends with a question that’s been on my mind for a long time: what is leading men to behave the way some of them do?
I enjoy a newsletter by Lynn Twist who wrote a book called the Soul of Money. This week, she shared a prophecy about this time in history from the native people of North America.
‘The bird of humanity has two wings – a masculine wing and a feminine wing. The prophecy says that the masculine wing of the bird of humanity has been fully extended for centuries, while the feminine wing has been truncated. To keep the bird flying, the masculine wing has become overdeveloped, over muscular, and even violent. As a result, the bird is flying in circles. The prophecy says that in the 21st century, the feminine wing of the bird of humanity will gain its strength back, allowing the masculine wing to relax.’
If you are worried about how you are going to cope as the UK opens up - the Guardian has a good article about social anxiety.
This week, I read American Dirt by Jeanne Cummins and it was as good as everyone says. A gripping story of a mother and son escaping Mexico and trying to make it across the US border.
WHAT I’M WATCHING
I celebrated St Patrick’s Day by watching The Commitments. It’s as funny and gorgeous as it was when I watched it in the cinema however many years ago, when it held the record for the most swearing in a film. Here is a clip of Mustang Sally.
I also liked looking at these New Yorkers in their homes.
WHAT I’M BUYING
VITAMINS! Thank you to everyone who sent me ideas about what to do with the tiredness. A summary, in case it’s of help: get iron, thyroid and hormones tested, get tested for diabetes (my cousin reminded me it’s strong on my dad’s side of the family), take B vitamins, take Vitamin D, Niacin, fish oils. Exercise. Stay off screens as much as possible. I am not a doctor - and neither were the people who made these suggestions - so don’t treat this as medical advice. Obvs. But here’s hoping it helps.
Honestly, I look back on my old brain with wonder. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was a genius! My head was constantly snap, crackling and popping with ideas. Now there’s not a single snap, let alone a crackle and I’m lucky if I get half a pop once a week.
Oh well. It is what it is, as that very annoying phrase goes.
Bye for now - Any weird sleep / food / talking-to-tree habits you want to share? Since buying rice pudding a few weeks ago, I’ve become a bit hooked. I’m on three cans a week, and eat it with jam while watching Friends. A girl has to do what a girl has to do.
Love and thanks for reading.
Mxx
P.S Writing for Fun and Sanity will be back soon along with a whole other curriculum of wonderful workshops. I miss the sessions even more than Guinness farts!
EDITED BY Wendy Mach
IMAGE BY Natalie Winterlich
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helpmenewsletter.substack.com
For this week’s newsletter I was planning to give you a tiredness update - I know, you lucky things! - but then Sarah Everard got killed walking home and so yesterday I wrote about that instead.
Then, last night, I read Marisa Bate’s newsletter on the same topic and she put things so well, so with her permission I’m sharing her words here instead.
By Marisa Bate
Where to even start? For me, I think back to being at a summer play scheme on Victoria Street while my mum was at work. I was 7 or 8 years old. Every Wednesday, we’d be marched down to the nearby newsagents with a sweaty 50p in our little hands to buy sweets and then onwards to St James’s Park for games. But before we left on this adventure, the adults looking after us made sure we’d taken off our name tags in case a stranger tried to “talk” to us. By “talk” they literally meant “lure”, “steal”, “kidnap”. Later on as a teenager, many at my school knew Milly Dowler. When I got to university, one of my friends knew Meredith Kercher. And just like they’d said, strangers are lurking and girls go missing.
Another memory. I'm a bit younger. We're in a hotel in Italy having breakfast. I can feel someone looking at me through a window. I can see his eyes, the top of his head. Look mummy. I point to him. Then he’s gone. But my mum knew this man because she’d already realised he was stalking us. She went to the police. I remember the investigators in blue jeans and cream linen blazers speaking in English with my mother. Together they devised a trap (us) and they caught him.
Long before then, when I was just a baby, my mum had another stalker, on and off for years. He’d ring the doorbell, ring the phone, fingerprints were left on windows. My brother can remember my mother screaming “just fk off!” down the phone to the menacing silence at the other end. He was never caught.
So really, even before I was groped one day at school, even before I had to complain about the regular customer at my Saturday job because he always stood in a spot that meant I had to brush by him, even before the wolf-whistling, even before the time a whole pub full of men banged pool cues on a window so hard I thought it would shatter as I walked past . Even before a man in a van stopped and asked me for directions and got his dick out and started masturbating, even before a group of men cornered me on the way to a friends house on New Year’s Eve and as I called my boyfriend crying, one of them said, give it up lads, you’re frightening her, even before the things I don’t want to write here, even before all of that— I knew there was a threat. And that threat came from men.
And that is where this starts: the threat. It is all we’ve ever known, and we know it so well. Your heart beats hardest when you’re alone at night, when there aren’t many people in the carriage, when you feel someone is walking behind you, when you realise the road is quiet or Google Maps has taken you to an alley. But sometimes it is there in broad daylight, too, when the bloke next to you leans over at 7.20am on the Jubilee line, and with thick, sweaty lips whispers, “You have beautiful legs”.
You have been warned. Don’t get in a minicab, don’t drink too much, don’t be too late, stick together. Because your mother knows the threat too, she’s felt it like hot breath on skin too, she’s walked home with ever-quickening steps and a thumping heart too, and she knows that threat is a blanket as thick as nightfall and as constant as the tide, just like you do. And she tries to stop her worst nightmare, which will also become your worst nightmare, from becoming your reality, so your life comes with warnings, and the warnings become tragedies in headlines, and now the threat - however statistically unlikely - is real. But it is also familiar. It is all you’ve ever known. It is just life. It is just something women have to deal with. Like pay gaps or being killed twice a week by a current or former partner. It is just what we know life to be so we don’t fight it, we just protect ourselves and each other: text me when you get home.
And then, when Sarah Everard disappears, it is like a bolt of electricity running under our skin. Our collective, inherited worst nightmare has come true, and we know it could have been us, and that surge of rage and sorrow and agony runs through us, and we cry for a woman we never met but we knew in some way because she was all of us. And all the silent years of threat and fear push our beating hearts into our eardrums and into our throats and down deep into the despairing pits of our stomachs.
I have plenty of thoughts about the police. And I will write about those another day. But now it’s late. And now I am 35. And I have had enough.
We also need to talk about the way we respond to white middle class women when they go missing, and how we respond to Black women, Asian women, Indigenous women, all women, when they go missing. And that conversation must have its moment.
But for now: her name was Sarah Everard.
If you want to sign up to Marisa’s newsletter please visit here, the sign up button is at the bottom of the page.
A few other thoughts that I’ve seen this week:
A friend on Facebook asked why there was not the same reaction when Nicole Smallman and Bibaa Henry were killed walking home in June 2020. She wrote: ‘What is it about their deaths that failed to trigger the same wave of collective sisterhood or womanhood that seems to have been elicited this week? I've been wondering if it's because International Women's Day has made us more collectively sensitive or 'primed' about what it means to be a woman out at night alone. Or if it's a case of the proverbial straw breaking the camel's back. Or is it, and I really hate to think this, that there are collective biases at play that have prevented people connecting what happened to these sisters as relating to what women in general experience.’
Max Morgan wrote a great blog post about what men can do.
Here is a quote from it: ‘Yes, guys, most of us are not rapists or murderers of women, but how many of us can truly, genuinely, say we’re doing everything in our power to dismantle patriarchal power structures, to call out borderline (or even more obvious) behaviour in our friendship groups and families, to examine our own behaviour and consider whether it might be contributing to the climate of fear in which women permanently abide?'.
WHAT I’M READING
This article in the Atlantic article explains why our pandemic brains are f**ked. To use a technical term.
You can view the rest of what I’m reading here:
On a lighter note...
WHAT I’M WATCHING
Thank you to my sister for introducing me to Tikka the Italian Greyound, gay icon - she/her/kween and ‘an actual bad b***h.’ Check out her fashion tips on Instagram.
WHAT I’M BUYING
Nothing! I listened to a great talk between writer and activist Sarah Wilson and shelf-help founder Toni Jones. Sarah was talking about the joy of minimalist living. She wears the same shirt she had since she was 18, reuses packaging as bin-bags and owns something like 15 pieces of clothes. I came off the call wanting to be just like her! I will live with less and feel lighter - physically and spiritually!! I will become a post consumerist anti-capitalistic trailblazer! The next day I was googling ‘spring summer cardigans.’
That’s all for now - except to say Happy Mother’s Day to my mum who reads this every week and gives me a text appraisal, including one where she told me it was ‘excellent value for money.’
XX
EDITED BY Wendy Mach
IMAGE BY Natalie Winterlich
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helpmenewsletter.substack.com
Guys, my brain feels like it’s filled with rice pudding. By that I don’t mean it’s sweet and delicious, I mean it’s a blobby mush.
I am exhausted, though I have no reason to be. I slept eight hours last night and had a chunky nap yesterday. I am not home-schooling, nor am I a key worker. Far from it. But here I am. Brain dead. Rice pudding.
This has been happening quite a lot over the last few months.
Some days I’m fairly alert, and then other days it’s like I’ve been hit over the head and I cannot stay awake. I was quite perky and productive on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning and got lots of writing done. I was delighted. Then, on Wednesday afternoon, a crushing tiredness descended. I fell into a deep black sleep for two and a half hours, got up, had dinner, pottered and went right back to sleep at 8.30pm. Yesterday, I woke up at 6am, did a couple of hours of writing before I had to go back to sleep for another two hours.
I love sleep and naps, but going back to bed at 9am to sleep is not normal for me.
I have been reading a lot about tiredness this week. Seems there is a lot of it going around and just knowing that makes me feel better.
Apparently, in the early days of the crisis, we could respond with something called a ‘surge capacity’ - which is a collection of adaptive systems that humans draw on for short-term survival in acutely stressful situations. However the emergency situation has now become chronic and we have exhausted our surge capacity, which is when fatigue sets in.
I read a piece in The Guardian where Emma Kavanagh, psychologist and author, said:
“We are tired and have been doing this for a long time and we had this initial array of coping capacity and it’s simply burnt out. When you look at burnout by definition you’re talking about being too stressed for too long. There is this experience where your brain reaches capacity and goes: ‘I cannot give the same mental attention to this any more.”
Kavanagh has been researching extreme environments in psychology, and said: “So what you find in these extreme environments, which is a nice analogy for where we are now in terms of unpredictability and uncontrollability … is that they find something called psychological hibernation which is the same as burnout. You see things like your concentration getting sluggish, you find it harder to pay attention and you have sleep and memory issues.”
I read another piece in The Mail which described how stress can affect our hormones, our gut and our immune system in a way that causes exhaustion. It gave helpful tips about diet change, which all seemed pretty do-able. It was based on a book called: I’m So Effing Tired by Dr Amy Shah.
Also, research from Stanford University has proven that ‘Zoom fatigue’ is real. A combination of factors make this kind of meeting more exhausting than meeting in real life. First, humans are not designed to be looking at their own image as much as we do on Zoom. It can bring out crippling self-consciousness in even the most confident of us. Second, the eye contact demanded is much more intense than we are used to. In normal meetings, our eyes would wander around the room, but on screen they can’t. It’s tiring. It’s also tiring for us to try and decipher people’s moods and meanings without being able to read body language. The advice is to turn off the camera as much as you can, hide the ‘selfie’ view and also to minimise the screen so that people’s faces look smaller.
A friend mentioned it might be peri-menopause and another mentioned thyroid and iron deficiency, so I’m getting tests just to check. I would also put it down to depression - tiredness is one of my symptoms - but I’m on medication for that and feel quite happy at the moment. And some days I’m alert and normal, while on others I literally can’t keep my eyes open. Depression, for me, isn’t like this. It’s a sludgy descent, not an up and down.
Thing is, I like being productive and doing my work. I like it when my brain is bouncing and alert. I don’t like it when it feels like this. It makes me feel lazy.
And even though there are valid reasons for this exhaustion, I feel quite ashamed of it. I have it so easy compared to friends who have been home-schooling while trying to hold down a full-time job and people working on the front line. But there you go. It’s what’s going on for me right now.
What about you? Anyone else knackered?
WHAT I’M LISTENING TO
This chat between Tim Ferriss and writer Steven Pressfield is great. Pressfield wrote a book called The War of Artwhich is all about the creative process and why we find ways to sabotage ourselves and do what he calls ‘shadow careers’ - which are jobs that are close to the thing you want to do but not actually the thing. He also talks about ‘small wins’ and how he sits down to write after he’s gone to the gym and had a healthy breakfast and brushed his teeth. These are small wins that mean that by the time he sits down to write is feeling accomplished and confident. I liked that idea.
WHAT I’M WATCHING
The Billie Eilish documentary on Apple TV is so good. What an exceptional person she is and her family too. Her story contrasts starkly to Britney Spears’.
And this incredible image in the Irish Times of the murmuration (a new word for me!) over Lough Ennell, in Co Westmeath.
WHAT I’M READING
This article by Monica Heisey, a Canadian living in England about the British obsession with ‘going for a walk’ was very funny. This bit made me laugh out loud: ‘The other day, on one such trudge, I saw a woman finish a lap of the park, then turn to her friend and suggest, audibly bored, “What do you think, should we have a go round the cemetery?” That is how destination-free walking feels to me: going around a cemetery for no reason.’
This piece, again in The Guardian, introduced me to Swedish artist Hilma af Klint. I’d never seen her work before and it’s stunning. During her lifetime she was called a ‘crazy witch’ but now people are asking if, in fact, she invented abstract art. The German film-maker, Halina Dyrschka, who studied her says: “It’s easier to make a woman into a crazy witch than change art history to accommodate her. We still see a woman who is spiritual as a witch, while we celebrate spiritual male artists as geniuses.”
Finally, novelist Ann Pachett has written about getting rid of possessions in The New Yorker. I haven’t read it yet but I will this weekend. Her novel The Dutch Housewas one of my favourites this year.
You can view my reading list here:
WHAT I’M BUYING
Soya yogurt and tofu. Yup. It’s all glamour here!! Both contain soy which contain isoflavones, a type of phytoestrogen which are believed to work similarly to estrogen, which drops in perimenopause and can cause fatigue. I haven’t cooked the tofu yet.
‘You might not like it,’ said the guy in the organic shop when I told him it was my first time. Good sales pitch, I said. I then picked up some Ambrosia Rice Pudding from the Co-Op - just because it seemed fitting. It was LUSH.
Ok, bye for now, I’m off for a joyless trudge around the cemetery to see if it will kick-start some energy! Just realised that this newsletter was neither short nor particularly sweet!
Love to you all. Xx
EDITED BY Wendy Mach
IMAGE BY Natalie Winterlich
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helpmenewsletter.substack.com
A friend sent me a Facebook memory yesterday. It was a photo of us at a party on the Christmas of 2019. I was wearing a sparkly top and she was wearing bright red lipstick. There was a gang of friends behind us. It was a classic party picture, big smiles, wine in hand, everyone looking groomed and made up but the first thing I see when I look at the photo is how strained my smile is.
I remember that party. I had come to it straight after a work party which was on the other side of town. By the time I got to my friend’s house, I was already fading and I found it hard to hear what people were saying over the hard surfaces of the kitchen.
There were so many people I loved there but I just wanted to be at home.
Of course, I didn’t go home— I just drank more trying to ramp up energy and chat, spent £25 on an Uber home and felt sick the next day.
I have missed my friends very much this year. I have missed hugs and sitting on their sofas and kissing their kids’ cheeks. I have missed the smell of their perfume, the linking of arms walking down the street, and the ease of being in someone’s company and not having to say much. I’ve missed hanging out.
But I have not missed ‘a social life’ - you know, parties, dinners, drinks. I have not missed the noises and hard surfaces and small talk and drunk talk and the expense of it all.
I have not missed schlepping across town on two trains and a bus. I have not missed the guilt that comes with not doing that and feeling like I am not putting in the work to maintain friendships that I care about.
There have been times of acute loneliness this year, however there have also been times of great peace. I have enjoyed much of this smaller, more local life. I have, at times, really liked my little cocoon.
And so, as Boris outlines a plan for us to get back out into the world by June, a part of me feels weepy at the excitement of hugging friends, another part of me thinks ‘oh s**t, it’s all going to get busy again.’
I wonder how we’ll manage re-entry into society. I wonder if we’ll be able to find a balance between saying yes to a full life and saying yes to a quieter life as well.
Although I guess not everyone wants this. Maybe there are lots of people desperate to get back to the party and the pub and the busy-ness? And of course for parents, having children back at school will mean a quieter life…
Anyway, how do you feel about it all?
WHAT I’M BUYING
A friend put a note up on Facebook asking people what their weirdest lockdown purchases have been. She had just ordered an ancestry.com kit to see if her history is more exciting than her present. Another friend told me she has bought a Shakti mat - which is a yoga mat with spikes on it. It’s like a rubber bed of nails. Sounds awful and she says it is: ‘You lie on it and for the first minute you are in so much pain you curse every decision you’ve ever made, but then the pain stops, and when you get up it’s bliss - all the stiffness has gone.’ Another friend has been buying random clothes. I got a text from her last week which read: ‘I’m lonely so I just ordered a pair of dungarees.’ An hour later, another text: ‘Now I’ve bought floral Doc Martens.’ What’s been your weirdest purchase? In the first lockdown, I ordered a ukulele, baking set and a paint kit - and I am now a musical, cake-making Picasso! Ha! Of course I’m not. I haven’t used any of it.
WHAT I’M WATCHING
I started Behind Her Eyes on Monday and really didn’t like it. The acting felt hammy, the dialogue unreal and I gave up on the second episode. Mum, however, soldiered through and texted me last night telling me not to bother, that the ending is ridiculous. I also started watching Chernobyl - about the nuclear power disaster. It’s excellent but relentlessly grim so, as the antidote, I’ve been watching at least an hour of Friends most evenings.
And this week I did another kind of watching…
Anyone who follows me on Instagram knows that I look out my own window a lot - and now, it turns out I can look out of other people’s windows! My friend Lex sent me this link which allows you to look out of other people’s windows. It’s mesmerising! You can just sit and watch snow falling in Moscow, the sea shimmering in Malibu, traffic in Leon, cloudy skies in South Korea...
Also, if a virtual trip to South Korea doesn’t do it for you - here are some dancing nuns strutting their stuff to cheer people up. God bless them and their joyous shaking hips!
WHAT I’M READING
Kae Tempest’s On Connection. It’s about how we connect with each other through music, art and just paying attention to each other and the smaller moments in life. I loved it. I am reading it alongside John O’ Donohue and there are a lot of similarities. Deep, beautiful souls, the two of them.
I also read Austin Kleon’s Show your Work and Keep Going. I could not recommend them more. They are short, sweet, inspiring and wise books on the creative process. His newsletter is great too.
Moving forward, I’ll be keeping a list of all the books I’ve mentioned in this newsletter in one place. If you ever want to look back, you can access my reading list here or by clicking the button below. Buying from Bookshop.org helps independent bookshops.
Oliver Burkekamn’s newsletter - The Imperfectionist is also good. I used to read his Saturday column every week in The Guardian and now he is taking similar psychology / life content and putting it in a fortnightly newsletter. The one he sent yesterday was about the fallacy of us ever getting to the point where we feel sorted and life is problem-free. Spoiler alert: it never happens!! We might have moments when it feels like it is and then it goes to sh*t again! As Pema Chodron puts it: things come together and then they fall apart again. I find this comforting. There is no place that we have to get to. No finish line. Just keep muddling on!
On which note, this article made me feel much better. It’s on why writing has been difficult for some of us this year.
Also, this was interesting in Grazia. It’s about the social anxiety that is springing up at the thought of socialising again.
This Saturday’s Writing for Fun and Sanity will be the last one in a little while. I am taking a break to recharge and plan new sessions with friends. We will be back! Let’s make tomorrow a fun one.
Ok, that’s it for now - inspired by last week’s newsletter on having nothing to say, I’ll leave you with this New Yorker cartoon. The caption features a woman on the phone saying: ‘Did I tell you about the really big pigeon I saw? I did? Sorry, I ran out of new things to talk about months ago.’
Love Mxxx
Edited by Wendy Mach
Illustrations by Natalie Winterlich
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helpmenewsletter.substack.com
My sister Facetimed me yesterday evening.
‘What’s happening?’ she asked.
‘Nothing. You?’ I replied.
‘Nothing.’
There was a pause.
‘What are you going to have for dinner?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know yet. I had a big lunch so I might not bother. What about you?’
‘I got some soup from that place up the road.’
‘Nice.’
Another pause.
‘Are you watching anything?’ I asked.
‘Not really. You?’
‘Bridgerton.’
‘Okay then, bye.’
She hung up.
I phoned my mum.
‘What are you having for dinner?’
‘I had a late lunch, so I think I’ll just have a slice of toast.’
‘Me too,’ I said.
‘Any other news?’ I asked.
‘No,’ she said.
‘Did you speak to anyone?’ I asked - meaning aunts, uncles, cousins.
‘Anne,’ she said, of her sister.
‘Any news there?’
‘No. All quiet.’
‘Okay then, bye.’
I called another friend and asked her how she was. She said she had no idea anymore.
‘I’m sorry I have literally nothing to say,’ she said.
‘Me neither,’ I replied.
We have reached the post verbal stage of lockdown.
There is nothing to say, nothing to do, and I wonder if we are all cracking up a teeny tiny bit.
The term that’s been in my head this week is ‘fugue state’. I just googled it: ‘Dissociative fugue, formerly fugue state or psychogenic fugue, is a dissociative disorder and a rare psychiatric disorder characterized by reversible amnesia for personal identity, including the memories, personality, and other identifying characteristics of individuality. The state can last days, months or longer.’
Hmm. I wish I had some clever conclusion to make about all this but I don’t.
Instead I’ll ask you: ‘Are you watching anything? What are you having for dinner?’
WHAT I’M READING
I have been reading actual books this week. Yay! First up, The Mermaid of Black Conchby Monique Roffey is gorgeous, sexy and thought-provoking. It’s the story of a mermaid who is brought onto land and the love and chaos that ensues. It’s a great story that asks questions about what it is to be a woman and how we treat the environment. It won the Costa Prize and is getting rave reviews and I can see why.
On the back of the mermaid, I started Girl, Woman, Other by Bernadine Evaristo. It’s been on my bedside for months and I wish I’d opened it sooner. Such good characters and so many stories woven into the book but in a really light way. I wish I could write like this.
From the sublime to the ridiculous, Big Knickers are back according to an article entitled Pantdemic! in The Guardian. The resurgence of big knickers “could be seen as the wearer prioritising their own experience over external pressures,” says the fashion historian Susanna Cordner. Too bloody right!
This Isabel Allende interview (also in The Guardian) was great. She is 78, has written 45 books, and got remarried a couple of years ago. I loved this quote: ‘I separated from my [last] husband when I was 72, and everyone said: ‘Are you crazy? Why are you divorcing in your 70s?’ I’ve never been scared of being alone, because I am self-sufficient. But then Roger appeared in my life. He is a profoundly decent and kind man, and you don’t find them so often.’
I think I’m going to start a document called ‘Cool Women’ and keep all these stories in it just to remind me that there are so many ways to live your life and that you can keep reinventing yourself as long as you are drawing breath.
On the other extreme, this story about single people being publicly humiliated on pancake day in Ireland was bizarre and kind of distressing. Apparently, it was common in the 19th century for Irish people to get married before Lent started and so anyone left unmarried on Shrove Tuesday was mocked and marked with chalk or daubed with ‘raddle’ - a substance used to mark sheep that was really hard to clean from clothing. Bloody hell. Makes being put at the kids table at a wedding seem like a small injustice. Thank you Mary Sweeney for sending me the article.
Finally this piece was really interesting about how many female artists haven’t received the recognition they deserve because they changed their name when getting married. It’s the story of artist Isabel Rawsthorne who, in the 1940s and 50s, was considered an artist to watch, alongside Lucien Frued and Francis Bacon. However, she married three times, and changed her name each time, which meant she was constantly starting again in terms of building an artistic reputation. The article discusses other female artists who were always seen as companions and muses to their husbands and lovers, rather than artists in their own right. There is now a movement to change that.
WHAT I’M WATCHING
Ok, TV snuck in again this week. I watched Bridgerton. I didn’t love it but I liked it enough to watch all the way through and was impressed by the inclusion of period blood, which also featured in I May Destroy You this summer. I was also reading an interview with Sacha Baron Cohen who includes periods in his latest Borat film. Remember when periods meant blue liquids and women rollerblading? Remember when you couldn’t even say the word period? The world is changing and it’s a good thing.
On Valentine’s Day I watched My Best Friend’s Wedding, My Big Fat Greek Wedding and ate a lot of melted cheese. I also had a zoom dinner date with my best friend’s little boy who drew me a card and told me jokes. Do you want to hear one? Are you ready to have your mind blown? Ok. Here goes.
‘What did zero say to eight?’
‘Nice belt.’
WHAT I’M LISTENING TO
My downstairs neighbour, Nelly, has a Cindi Lauper record on vinyl so I’ve been dancing around the kitchen to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, pretending to be young and living in New York in the eighties, surrounded by graffiti and wearing a tutu and having punky hair. I find it worryingly easy to delude myself.
WHAT I’M BUYING
I got some lovely carrots this week. That’s not code for anything. They were just really nice carrots. Very sweet.
This Saturday’s Writing for Fun and Sanity workshop will be taught by my good friend Nikki Walsh and the theme will be around money and prosperity. Money is such a deep-rooted, emotional as well as practical issue and Nikki is a gentle, wise teacher. I will be there as a host and pupil. I look forward to it. Also Nikki shares very good tips for parents who are struggling to be creative in lockdown. Follow her on instagram: @nikkiccwalsh.
As for other events, there are LOTS in the pipeline and I’m waiting to sort a few things out before issuing new dates. Carrie says she is still working her way through the fanmail from last Sunday’s How to Love Your Life session. Thank you to everyone who came and took the time to write afterwards. We hope to do more together and will keep you posted. In the meantime, if anyone needs encouragement with writing please visit @carriejadewrites on Instagram. It’s a treasure trove of free writing resources and support groups.
OK that’s it for now. Grey and cloudy here. It feels like everyone is still in bed.
My friend Tim just posted this on Facebook and it made me laugh: ‘I miss not going out- out. So much so that I can’t wait to be able to go out- out to the point where I wish I didn’t have to go out- out.’
Try saying that after three drinks!
Mx
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helpmenewsletter.substack.com
Do you remember those adverts for cold remedies that used to show a hotshot executive blowing his nose and looking pained, only to take a pill and then be on a plane to do a morning meeting in New York? The message was clear: work matters above all else. Sickness is something to be pushed away with a pill and resting is for losers. I’ve had a lot of these messages in my lifetime. The cult of productivity peaked in the 1980s, when I was a child, and it’s been here ever since. In the ‘80s there were books like ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ and ‘Getting Things Done.’ Now there are Insta posts about side hustles and girl bosses.
We live in a world where our worth is measured by our productivity and we are living life to the full by cramming in as much as we can each day. Even leisure time became part of the cult of productivity: jumping on planes for 24 hour mini-breaks, training for marathons...
In the ‘80s there were books like ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ and ‘Getting Things Done.’ Now there are Insta posts about side hustles and girl bosses.
Much of that stopped since the pandemic. Planes were grounded, offices closed and many of us were forced to get off the treadmill of non-stop activity.
Last week my friend Anne Marie sent me a link to a podcast called Hurry Slowly. It was about how lockdown has forced many of us to confront the question: ‘Who am I when I am not doing anything? Who am I when I’m not being productive?...’
The host, Jocelyn C Glei, continues: ‘Without the distraction of doing we could suddenly see the cracks, the cracks in the fragile facade of our achievement oriented identities, our overstuffed schedules, our frantic consumerism…’
We were left with what she describes as the: ‘quiet despair of being with ourselves, of confronting ourselves in a way that we have not done in a long time, maybe ever.’
‘Who am I when I am not doing anything? Who am I when I’m not being productive?...’
According to Glei, this time off the treadmill has made us realise how utterly exhausted we are. She says we are tired of living in a world that tells us that happiness comes by consuming something. The world that tells us we must constantly strive and better ourselves until we are totally burnt out.
She says we’ve also started to feel things we’ve pushed down for years. Busy-ness and productivity can be a socially acceptable addiction, a distraction, a way of stopping us from feeling things we don’t want to feel. Feelings such as loneliness, hurt, not being good enough…The feeling that society is unjust and that in some way you are part of that injustice. Keep busy and you don’t have to deal with all that. You don’t even have to see it. When we’re busy, it’s much easier to ignore the state of the world — and our part in it.
Glei says that we are all sold this idea of transformation being a wonderful thing, but while it’s happening, it can be uncomfortable, scary, confusing and exhausting.
There can be a temptation to go back to the old ways— to get busy again. I have found myself craving the old office days, of non-stop deadlines and stress. Why? Because I knew what I was doing then. I was part of a programme that I didn’t question. Work hard. Get successful. Don’t think about anything else.
Now nothing is so clear.
Charles Eisenstein, one of my spiritual crushes, says that we are ‘in between stories’ at the moment. The old world is crumbling but we don’t know what the new one is like yet. In her podcast Glei says that this is a time to connect with our ‘essence’ - the person underneath the busy-ness. It’s a time to ask yourself how you can use this essence to ‘help build something new, something different, something more generous and tender.’
I like those two words: generous and tender.
They are not qualities we have valued over the recent dog-eat-dog decades. Look at the likes of Philip Green and Donald Trump: both seem as far from generous and tender as you can be. But both have now fallen from grace. As for popping a pill and getting on a plane when we are sick — that could now get us arrested.
Maybe we’ll go back to our old ways when this is over and maybe we won’t. I don’t know. We need to earn money and pay our bills but can we do it in a way that doesn’t take over every minute of our day? Can we work at something we like, and which we think matters, without it becoming our whole identity?
Let’s see.
WHAT I’M READING
Ok, this is a very long but very good read about the history of the nuclear family and how we need to find a new communal way of living. Bookmark it for a quiet Sunday morning. And if you are a parent scoffing at the idea of a quiet Sunday morning, feel free to tell me to piss off. I listened to a Radio 4 programme about home schooling this week and I had no idea. Hats off to all parents. Really. But for those who do have time, the article is good.
Mary Beard is a joy. Here she is in the Guardian talking about being called a witch and challenging older women to do what they can to scare the patriarchy.
Also on the topic of witches, this article was intriguing about a woman who described herself as a witch, living in Sydney in the 1950s.
And the tale of a more modern woman - this piece about Britney Spears is sad and illuminating. I would not want that level of fame for all the money in the world.
And finally… George Cloooney sews! Of course he does! And so do lots of men, according to this piece in the Guardian. They have been giving the name ‘sew bros’
Book-wise, this week I read Steal like an Artist by Austin Kleon. It’s short. It has pictures. It’s food for creative souls. Really lovely. I recommend it and his weekly newsletter. He brings a childlike joy to his work, like it’s all the best fun. Which of course it is sometimes — when we’re not busy making it hard for ourselves.
WHAT I’M WATCHING
Guys, I have not watched much television this week! Really! I’ve been watching odd episodes of Friends before falling asleep —which I’m not that happy with, ideally I don’t want the laptop to be my bedtime companion — but there have been no binges. I will write more about Shahroo’s brilliant session on how to change habits in a couple of weeks but I’d say it’s helped.
After last week’s newsletter about how the only time I wasn’t attached to a screen was in the shower, I got a message from a friend saying she caught her daughter with her iPod taped to the outside of the shower so she could watch it while washing! This is both scary and ingenious!
If I were to watch anything from the shower, it would be this. I imagine most of you have already seen it; it’s a clip of a US judge participating in a court case on zoom with a cat filter on. I have watched it pretty much on loop and am still laughing.
And this made me smile, I find it impossible to watch videos like this without grinning from ear to ear.. I will write more about the joy of dancing soon.
WHAT I’M LISTENING TO
FIA, The art of letting go. This song is all about forgiving yourself and going easy. The chorus goes something like this: ‘I forgive myself, over again, cos I’m doing the best I can.’ I find it very comforting.
WHAT I’M BUYING
Nothing. I’m skint! Still no heavy blanket, sorry Lotte. (Lotte, like many of you, have been messaging saying the weighted blankets are great.)
Full list here: Writing for Fun and Sanity is every Wednesday evening and every Saturday lunchtime.
Carrie’s How to Love Your Life session is on Sunday.
Ok that’s all for now.
Love love love and thanks for reading.
Mx
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helpmenewsletter.substack.com
It occurred to me the other day that the only time I am not attached to a screen is when I’m in the shower. Otherwise, the phone or laptop is with me. In bed, on the sofa, going for a walk, I can’t even go to the loo now without bringing my phone.
Between Instagram and Netflix, Facebook and iPlayer, I am beginning to feel that I am no longer a person in the real world, I am a mind plugged into the internet almost 24 hours a day.
It’s getting to the stage where I’m scared of being alone with my thoughts for any length of time. I feel twitchy when I’m not swiping, liking, messaging or watching flickering people on a screen.
It occurred to me the other day that the only time I am not attached to a screen is when I’m in the shower.
I was going to quit Netflix for January. I lasted three days - THREE DAYS!! - before the lure of Call My Agent got too strong to resist. I genuinely don’t want to know how many hours of television I’ve watched this year but I imagine it’s enough time to learn a language or write a book. Which, I am supposed to be doing.
I have also tried hiding my phone in a plant pot in the hallway, just to get it out of my eyeline. I end up fishing it out after half an hour. I’ve tried deleting my social media apps and usually end up reinstating them before the day is over.
In lockdown, I’ve let all this stuff slide because it was a pandemic— so what? Do whatever you need to do to get through the day! But that ‘so what’ approach is taking a toll. My brain is addled, my motivation plummeting and I am struggling to read and think deeply, both of which are essential for my job.
I am a mind plugged into the internet almost 24 hours a day.
I am living in the digital shallows and I have a horrible feeling that if I keep going like this, I’m throwing my life away. Which might sound dramatic, but I think it’s true.
So, what to do?
Old me would have gone extreme. Throw my phone in the rubbish! Move to a hut in the forest! Reject technology completely! But experience has told me it’s not the way to go. I barely lasted two days on the Tony Robbins ditch sugar, alcohol, carbs, dairy and coffee regime, before I fell into a bottle of wine and two bowls of cheesy pasta.
So, what would be a more moderate approach?
I started reading Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport in the summer – but, of course, I didn’t finish it. So I’m going to try again. This Sunday’s session, The Kindness Method, with Shahroo Izadi is about how to change habits in a sustainable way.
Shahroo says that beating ourselves up for our bad habits can be totally self-defeating. The best way to start making healthier habits is to be really compassionate with yourself and understand why we do what we do. So in this case, I live alone in a pandemic. It’s understandable that I’ve looked for comfort and company through the screen. And now it’s time to make a few changes…
In the meantime I have written this Werner Herzog quote on a post-it note: ‘Those who read own the world. Those who watch television lose it.’
Yes but had he watched Call My Agent? Huh?
What I’m reading
This article by Giles Coren in The Times was a bit of a brutal reality check. He says TV boxsets have become the equivalent of a KFC bargain buckets, and are making us ‘intellectually obese’. Harsh but true for me.
I also read this article from a few years ago called Why Can’t We Read Anymore? .
And this article in the Wall Street Journal explains why our concentration is so poor right now, in particular; we are in fight or flight mode, and our minds are too busy scanning for danger to get lost in books. It also suggests ways to get back into reading, including reading in the mornings, reading shorter books and listening to audiobooks
And just to add one more depressing article about the state of the world, I read this on The Idler website. It’s about how we are living in a dystopia to match Orwell’s 1984 and Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World. Two books I have not read. Of course. Let me order them on Amazon, while watching another ten hours of television…
But!!! Good news! An orgy is imminent according to an article in the New York Post. Yale professor Dr. Nicholas Christakis says that the end of the pandemic will bring an era of vice, indulgence and hedonism, akin to the roaring twenties. Bring it on!
And this article in The Guardian was very thought provoking about how our relationships have changed in lockdown. The writer, Alice O’Keeffe, says her friendships are more deep and honest now. When you ask people how they are they are more likely to tell the truth.
Also I liked this article in The Atlantic about what it’s like to grow up in a family where radical honesty is practiced. I once did a Radical Honesty course. It scared the crap out of me.
What I’m watching
Ok, so maybe this section will be blank in the future but for now, my television recommendations, based on HOURS of dedicated research! First of all: Call My Agent. People have been saying to watch it for years and I was lazy about the subtitles. But it’s brilliant. Clever, funny, subtle - and I loved all the characters in it.
I also watched The Serpent on BBC. It’s a drama about a serial killer in Thailand, who killed hippy travellers in the Seventies. A dark, slow burn that was kind of worth it in the end. I think. I don’t know. It was very stylish anyway and sometimes serial killers just hit the spot, when you need a change of pace from Parisian agents…
Finally, Pretend It’s a City on Netflix is a joy. It’s a series of conversations between Martin Scorsese and writer/actress/wit Fran Lebowitz, who I had never heard of before. She is so funny and clever in her observations about New York, the world and everything. Here’s one example of her delicious wit:"How would I describe my lifestyle? Well, I can assure you, I would never use the word 'lifestyle.'"
What I’m listening to
I’ve been listening on loop to The Keep Going On Song by The Bengsons.
What I’m buying
Vitamins - my energy is mega erratic these days. Some days I’m almost manic and on others I’m exhausted. I’m currently trying this vitamin supplement which my aunty swears by. It’s called Revive Active and it’s powder you put in your water first thing in the morning. I will report back on whether it turns me into superwoman but my history of buying expensive vitamins and still getting sick and tired suggests otherwise. I still haven’t pressed the button on buying a weighted blanket… yet.
Writing for Fun and Sanity - is now on every Wednesday evening and Saturday lunchtime. Each session is different so come to any or all of them. A reminder that this is not a session for writers, it’s a session for humans. All welcome, even if the most you usually write is a text.
Shahroo and I will be doing The Kindness Method workshop 1-3pm this Sunday. It’s about how to change your habits in a gentle, sustainable way.
AND DRUMROLL!!
Tickets are now available for the How to Love Your Life event with Carrie on Valentine’s Day. If you didn’t read my earlier newsletter about Carrie- please read it here. She is the most extraordinary person I have ever met and if she doesn’t end up on Oprah and on the cover of TIME magazine at some point quite soon, I will be amazed. See her here first! I promise you these two hours will make you feel better, no matter what is going on in your life. There is a pay- what- you-can option so don’t let money be what holds you back.
Ok that’s it for now. Blue skies here after a grey week and the sun is shining through the windows, which is nice. I’ve also been getting up early to write with Carrie this week, which makes me feel pleased with myself and I might go for a walk later.
Love to you all and huge thanks for reading. I feel very grateful and lucky that you do. To make sure this newsletter comes straight into your inbox every week, please sign up here.
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helpmenewsletter.substack.com
Most people I know are hitting a wall at the moment. It has been raining here in London and people are exhausted, sick, home-schooling, lonely and fed up.
Those who live with family are taking walks in the dark just to get a moment of peace, and those of us living on our own have tired eyes from being on Zoom and tired bones aching for a hug.
I spoke to three friends this week. Each has quite a different living situation, but they described a similar experience of being haunted by old memories.
One has been having vivid dreams. When we spoke, she had just dreamt of someone she had been horrible to at school when she was ten. She woke up feeling awful. ‘Why couldn’t I have just been nice to her?’ she wondered. ‘And why am I thinking about her now?’
Another isn’t sleeping much at all, instead she is lying awake with decades-old family stuff floating around in her head. She says her life feels like getting into a bath and having to sit in the dirty water, her old muck all around her.
It was a good description, I thought.
I wonder if a lot of us are in that place at the moment— with old stuff coming to get us.
I wonder if a lot of us are in that place at the moment— with old stuff coming to get us.
Usually, our lives are busy enough that we can stay in a state of distraction: living in forward motion, making plans, looking to what’s next.
Now we can’t leave the house and we can’t leave ourselves.
Nobody knows what’s next. In some ways, the future has, temporarily, been taken from us.
And so, we are left with our thoughts about the past, our regrets and longings.
But we also have the present moment.
Eckhart Tolle would tell us to embrace the here and now, of course— to feel our body, take a deep breath and accept that peace is only ever found in this present moment…
Therapists might argue that this is a good opportunity to address things that we might have been running away from for years. Demand for online therapists has dramatically increased since the beginning of the pandemic and I’ve started doing therapy on Zoom. It’s great. I just wish it was more affordable and accessible.
I’ve also gone back on antidepressants. I used to feel very ashamed of going on medication, and of getting depressed, but I’m trying to be less ashamed now, and just accept that this is the way I am and be grateful that the pills make a difference.
Failing drugs, spirituality, and therapy, there is Netflix and the comfort of knowing that most of us are in the same boat.
I am trying to remind myself and my friends that we are doing really well. Just think about what we’ve gone through in the last year, think about how well we have adapted to having almost every aspect of our lives turned upside down.
Just to get up every day and function at all is really something.
Just to get up every day and function at all is really something. And if we aren’t getting up and functioning, that’s fine too. Maybe we need the rest.
My friend, Iris, just sent me a tweet that someone had shared about hitting a wall. ‘Sometimes walls are there so we can lean on them and rest,’ the message read.
Isn’t that just perfect?
And whether we are in bed, curtains closed, or trying to teach maths to children who won’t sit still, the world keeps turning and we are still here.
That is enough.
Love
Mx
WHAT I’M READING
I read a great article by Emma John called ‘Why are increasing numbers of women choosing to be single?’ This piece outlines how, in many ways, the stigma of being unpartnered is dropping, and being single can now be seen as a choice rather than a failure, but in other ways, there's still this sense that without having gone through the rites of passage of getting married and having children, we have not grown up or become proper ‘adults’. Have a read if you have time, I think she expresses things really well. An interesting history of the word 'spinster' is included as well.
I am also continuing my John O’ Donohue love affair by reading his book, Anam Cara, which is Celtic for ‘Soul Friend’. It’s an absolutely beautiful book about friendship and how we are connected to life, nature and each other. I loved this quote: ‘A friend is a loved one who awakens your life in order to free the wild possibilities within you.’ I feel so lucky to have friends like this.
And from the sublime to the ridiculous…
WHAT I’M WATCHING
I’ve been watching How To Get Away With Murder on Netflix. I don’t know why I’m watching this show. It’s ridiculous. It’s about lawyers who keep killing people and then covering it up before having lots of sex with each other, all whilst wearing high heels, power-dresses, and moody faces. I hate it so much, I’m currently on the third season and each season has 15 episodes. God knows how many hours I’ve lost to it. I keep thinking about telly addiction and will write about it at some point. I spoke to a friend last night who says that he is not reading anymore. ‘Books used to be my way of getting away from people,’ he said. ‘Now I don’t want to get away from people, so I watch telly.’ Me too.
We are now building up a full curriculum of events! It’s quite exciting.
NEW YEAR IMAGININGS
First up, Aisling and I are doing a re-run of New Year Imaginings on Sunday 31st January, 1-4pm (GMT). It’s not a new year’s resolution or goal-setting workshop, it’s more a chance to use your imagination to daydream about a more beautiful future through a mixture of meditating, writing and chatting. The first session was quite magical. Click on this link to get more information
THE KINDNESS METHOD
Then on Sunday 7th February, 1-3pm (GMT), I’m doing a workshop with my good friend Shahroo Izadi based on her book, The Kindness Method. Many of you might be familiar with Shahroo who is a rare beast in the wellness world – in that she is funny and real and honest and non-preachy. Her approach involves how to change habits by going easy on yourself and understanding why you do what you do. She has spent years working in addiction services and has used her own method to lose eight stones in weight. I genuinely love her work.
HOW TO LOVE YOUR LIFE
Finally, thank you everyone for the lovely comments about the newsletter featuring Carrielast week. If you didn’t read it, please do. I promise it will cheer you up. We will be doing a workshop called How to Love Your Life on Sunday 14th February, Valentine’s day, and I will share details in next week’s newsletter.
WRITING FOR FUN AND SANITY
And last but not least, Writing for Fun and Sanity will be on every Wednesday evening and Saturday lunch from now until the end of February. Thank you to everyone who comes. YOU ARE EVEN BETTER THAN NETFLIX! And I’m not sure if praise can get any higher than that right now.
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