The In-Between: Recent Episodes
Dan Cayer
Just a reminder that Your Body Is Your Practice is rolling again, Mondays at 8 PM.
This week, I’m excited to introduce you to Ralph de la Rosa, a trauma-focused psychotherapist, seasoned meditation instructor, and the recent author of Don’t Tell Me to Relax: Emotional Resilience in the Age of Rage, Feels, and Freak-Outs.
I talked with Ralph about his unconventional views on dealing with strong emotions and how he has connected his psychotherapeutic training with Buddhism to help people suffering from childhood trauma, anxiety, depression, and addiction issues (among others).
You can listen to the 25-minute interview above or read the main points of our conversation below.
(1:00) Ralph was exposed to a number of spiritual perspectives: he grew up in a Southern Baptist household, was a Hare Krishna monk for a short while, studied under, and traveled with, Amma (also known as the “Hugging Saint”), and later discovered Buddhism in 2005.
“I was hungry for truth, but also hungry for relief,” he says. Suffering from PTSD and other undiagnosed mental health issues, Ralph began compensating for emotional issues with drugs until he finally bottomed out. He ended up in a residential treatment center, “and not a nice one.” There, in a room with three men recently released from San Quentin prison, Ralph began to address his situation more directly.
“How do I just be in this body, work with these thoughts, and these terrible, eclipsing emotions?”
(6:10) Ralph introduces the Internal Family Systems model of psychotherapy. “There’s a way to work with your anxiety, pain, and your wounded inner children without re-traumatizing yourself. When we can get curious about the experience of affliction, that afflicted state can, in effect, become a teacher to us.”
(8:49) As in the Alexander Technique, Ralph says that, in his work, “the path is, counterintuitively, to explore, to be right there in [one’s difficulties) in a non-goal-oriented way…It’s just genuine presence.”
(11:05) “We often find that angry parts of us are protecting more wounded or vulnerable parts.”
(19:17) Ralph talks about his course “Unstuck,” which is a blend of Internal Family Systems and Tibetan and Buddhist approaches to meditation. He explains how his approach can help turn one’s meditation session into a kind of self-therapy or, at least, a safe space. (NOTE: Unfortunately, the release of this interview was delayed because of my dealing with COVID-19 and “Unstuck” has passed. Stay tuned to Ralph for future offerings!)
(21:56) Lastly, Ralph and I discussed social justice in the context of Buddhist and spiritual communities. I asked if there has not been enough anger in Buddhist communities about the state of the world?
“The center of the spiritual life is love and compassion, regardless of your tradition. Compassion literally means you see suffering and want to do something about it. How can we have a spiritual practice that isn’t willing to open to the tragedies and travesties around us (and take concrete action)? Otherwise, it’s incomplete, frankly.”
After all, “anger wants something that’s not safe to be safer.”
You can learn more about Ralph’s work and offerings by signing up for his newsletter or reading one of his approachable books. He’s a funny and genuine writer.
Until next time, let’s be curious about the different parts of us. That which gets nervous, excited, or confused. Can we have a handful of empathy for those parts of us?
In health,
Dan
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What if meditation felt natural?
Imagine having a practice that began with spaciousness and appreciation. There is a popular narrative that after a long hard struggle we may find a peacefulness in meditation. But the secret of meditation experts like Thich Nhat Hanh or Chogyam Trungpa is that they teach us to start with an attitude of kindness. If we don’t bring aggression into our meditation practice with unreasonable expectations then it’s unlikely to become a war.
I gave this talk, “Your Body Is Your Practice,” a few weeks ago at an event hosted by the New York Shambhala Meditation Center. This talk, and the guided practices within, encapsulate much of my approach which was carefully arrived at after years of failing at every other approach. I tried minimizing uncomfortable emotions; I tried tensing my body to keep my mind still; and I definitely tried believing that someday, later on, I would gain mastery over myself through meditation. But those didn’t work because meditation is not about mastery. Meditation is not the Jedi way of gaining control over our human vulnerability. It’s a path of openness and kindness.
Below are the timestamps so you can hop around if you wish. There are two practice sessions: a short one at the beginning and a longer session around 26 minutes in.
2:00-10:00 – First guided embodiment practice [a microphone issue gets resolved toward the end of this practice]
11:40 – Talk begins. This work is the intersection of Shambhala teachings, meditation, chronic pain and illness, and Alexander Technique.
15:00 – Basically, if you’re alive, there’s a gap between where you want to be and where you are. The body is a prime example of this. How do we fill that gap?
16:15 – The Treadmill of Self-Improvement. We feel like we can’t fully live until we are better – whatever better means – whether it’s more money, job security, or health issues resolved. Meditation and the Alexander Technique (and anything really) can get subsumed into the Treadmill mindset.
20:45 – The Engine of Empathy. How we can use our experiences that feel “off-script,” or not what we hoped for, as fuel for understanding what it’s really like to be in other people’s shoes. We can start to see life as not being about hitting a narrow target but opening up to the many possibilities of being a human.
22:04 – If we see meditation as a way to gain mastery, I don’t really think it’s going to work out. Those are the people who tend to quit when their mind doesn’t snap into obedience.
22:15 – Overview of the 4 Tools.
26:10 – Meditation begins.
Posture (STAG, my four-point check in).
32:55 – Meditation Technique given.
Cultivating the Proper Attitude (this is mentioned in Overview and throughout session). A spirit of allowing and non-control. You don’t have to be in charge of resolving anything that arises.
50:41 – Re-introducing to the Heart. What do we do with intense emotions like fear, excitement, pain, and overwhelm? Habitually, we meet challenging experiences by trying to think our way out of them – a helpful skill to be sure – but we can also take a more embodied, non-conceptual approach. We can learn to gently undo the habit of constantly shutting off against our heart.
If you feel inspired to offer a gift for these teachings, or for any others, you can do so through PayPal or Venmo. In gratitude, Dan
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Instructions for a 12-15 minute session
[A guided audio version is above]
Find a Place: Depending on how many people are home on any day, I meditate either in my kids’ room, which is quiet and large (and not drafty), or in my wee office. In olden days, I would practice meditation for a minimum of 25-30 minutes but at this season of peak parenting, I often sit about 12-15 minutes in the mid-morning once the flurry of breakfast and getting people dressed has subsided.
Set a Timer: After the usual procrastinating has run its course, I set a timer on one of the various surveillance devices within earshot (Google on my phone or Alexa in the office). It’s best to set a timer rather than meditate for how long you feel like it, for two reasons:
1) An external timer allows your brain to stop deciding or worrying about when you should stop. You can give yourself entirely to the practice.
2) Also, you are committing to working with whatever arises during the session, so even if you’re bored or anxious or your phone dings (pro tip: put your phone in Do Not Disturb mode – the true secret of the Dalai Lama’s spiritual progress), you’ll keep sitting. Sitting through difficulties with the right compassionate viewpoint is how you make practice a way of life, rather than just another activity.
Establish Posture: Unless I need to lay down (which I do at times) I take my sitting posture, which over the years I’ve distilled into four main points (recap here).
Check in: I put my hand on my chest or belly and ask: How am I doing, really?
I want to begin my session by opening and listening, instead of walling off against uncomfortable feelings.
The Instructions*: Rather than set up a duality where meditating is going great when I’m with the breath and stinking when I’m thinking, I cultivate a wide-open attitude in my meditation. Thoughts and emotions are natural occurrences like weather. Who am I to reject them?
1) My intention throughout the practice is to place my awareness on the body breathing and sounds of my environment.
Inevitably (and often!), a tantalizing thought about baked bread or politics pops up and my awareness follows it like a dog after ball. Eventually, I will realize that I am “lost” in thought. But I’m not really lost – my awareness has simply been placed on my thoughts, not the bodily senses as I had intended.
2) I notice what it feels like when my awareness is with my thoughts and then return again to awareness on the body breathing and sounds. The practice is simply highlighting the contrast between what it feels like when awareness is with the body breathing and when it’s with thoughts. This is a beautiful practice – non-judgmental and welcoming of all that arises. You develop confidence that nothing is “in the way” of your meditation.
*(I do give these instructions on the audio above. For me, it’s easier to process meditation instructions orally rather than in written form.)
Dedication of Merit: To close the formal practice – and begin my informal practice session off the cushion – I offer a dedication of merit, which I think of as a donation of effort towards a greater good. I vow to make these efforts benefit all beings; for my family members; total strangers; for grasshoppers in Kansas. The DOM is important. The more we realize we aren’t just meditating for ourselves, the more we meditate. We don’t get so hung up on our individual successes and failures. We are joining the great stream of practice which is millions of individuals wide and thousands of years old, flowing in the direction of greater wisdom, kindness, and change.
Join us tonight, in practice, for Your Body Is Your Practice at 8 PM.
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On my Alexander Technique training course, you'd often see trainees laying on the floor with a book under their head as if charging themselves from an unseen outlet on the ground. "Constructive rest” as it's called, is a regular part of my week and my health toolkit. I'm sharing it today because this practice can calm a jangled nervous system.
It’s drawn from the repertoire of the Alexander Technique because it also stimulates our natural postural system. Normally gravity works in a direction down your spine. Here though, gravity has a spreading effect, like a pat of butter melting, so that over time your neck, spine, and limbs can lengthen and your shoulders can relax. Especially important is to allow your neck to be unsupported while your head is supported by the books (unless this is medically contraindicated). The height of the book should be such that your forehead is roughly parallel to the floor.
If you have lower back, knee, or hip issues, then try this variation: put your lower legs up on a flat surface, like a chair or couch, so there’s no effort involved to hold them up.
Listen to the audio above if you’d like to be guided through a 12 minute session. (Use the diagram to get yourself into position first.)
If you can spare it (and you probably can if you’re honest with yourself) try doing this for about 10-15 minutes a couple times a week. Sometimes if I’m pressed for time, I make phone calls while lying on the floor. For over a decade, I’ve turned to constructive rest when I’m stressed out, in pain, or just wanting to give my body some attention.
Let me know how it goes in the Comments section below and if you have any specific questions. This practice can be endlessly modified for different bodies and needs.
If you enjoyed this post and others from The In-Between, please consider clicking the “Like” button or “Share” below. That helps spread the word and may help others who could benefit.
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Laura Khoudari on strength and sensitivity.
As soon as I heard of Laura Khoudari’s work, I wanted to know more. She is a trauma-informed strength trainer, working with women in a gym setting but incorporating all sorts of deep and innovative techniques to heal trauma. The photos she shared on Instagram were unusual: pictures of Laura putting up huge weights, with thoughtful captions about how to better regulate our nervous system or manage anxiety. Laura and I spoke recently about her work and her forthcoming book, Lifting Heavy Things: Healing Trauma One Rep at a Time. Below, you can read highlights from our conversation.
(1:17) – Laura was a reluctant strength trainer at first, only sticking with it because it helped her heal from a back injury. It took years before she began to like it, and even longer before she discovered Olympic-style weight training.
(7:20) –How she defines trauma. “Trauma is, to me, totally separate from the thing that had happened, say, in a car accident.” It’s not that the details of the event are irrelevant, but trauma is what happens inside us. “Something came on too strong and too fast and the nervous system didn’t have time to process it. And now you have this unprocessed autonomic response hanging out in your body. It is easily triggered by certain things. There are ways that this can lead to injury, chronic pain, and sometimes behaviors that really derail life.”
(13:12) – The unexpected connection between strength-training and trauma.“The whole point of strength training is literally stress overload in order to drive adaptation.” In strength training, you are skillfully introducing stress to the body and building resilience, but in a way that doesn’t lead to injury or overwhelm.
(15:18) Laura has learned, painfully at times, how to value recovery and self-care. Several years into her strength training, she was the picture of fitness. Her friends admired her physique and she passed her yearly physical with flying colors. In fact, between powerlifting, Olympic lifting, and karate, Laura was training 10 times a week.“I thought I could train my pain away.” But rather than healing herself, “I was not allowing any recovery. My trauma response was to never stop training.” One morning she woke up with debilitating sciatica.
Laura’s unique background in Somatic Experiencing, and her current graduate education in counseling, lead to a model of training in which awareness and compassion are at the core. It wouldn’t be unusual to see her clients journaling at the end of a strength training session or learning to set boundaries by engaging in the physical act of pushing something away.
(25:18) Nowadays, Laura has paused her work as a trainer to finish Lifting Heavy Things. A book that is part self-help, part memoir, LHT is a toolbox for people dealing with trauma, as well as a guide for practitioners (such as yoga teachers, trainers, etc.) who want to better understand the effects of trauma on their clients.
You can learn more about Laura on her website, where you can also sign up for her wonderfully personal and useful newsletter. Lifting Heavy Things: Healing One Rep at a Time comes out in May 2021 but you can preorder it now.
Laura Khoudari is passionate about giving people the tools they need to heal from trauma and cultivate mental health and wellness. Her approach to strength training restores nervous system health, fosters a sense of safety in the body, and gives people the tools they need to process trauma so they may move beyond surviving and begin thriving. Her work has been widely recognized by the trauma and fitness community, and she has been featured on Buzzfeed, Upworthy, Outside Online, Medium, Tonic, and Girls Gone Strong.
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