InterAbled Partners Podcast: Recent Episodes
Mike Pomeroy
InterAbled Partners Podcast is hosted by Mike Pomeroy, relationship coach to people with a partner with a disability. This show is designed to help people develop a healthy perspective on their relationship with their disabled partner. They will learn to think outside the box and create strategies that make their relationship not only survive but thrive. We will cover such topics as shifting from rescuing to responding in the relationship, overcoming hardships that disability presents to couples, separating caregiving from being a partner, and making goals to have a thriving relationship with a partner. Mike and his partner, Carol, have been together in an interabled relationship for over 25 years. Join the conversation at www.interabledpartners.com/podcast.
Interabled is a word that describes a couple where one of the partners has a disability. It can be a physical disability, mental illness or any of the cognitive disorders. Find the show notes at interabledpartners.com/0
Having a partner with a disability can be overwhelming. In this podcast, I will share tips and revelations that I’ve gleaned over the years as a partner and spouse. As a trained relationship coach, I help people shift from overwhelm to a more stable and intimate relationship.
My wife, Carol, was born blind. She also has a mental illness.
Through all of it though, Carol and I have managed to stay closely connected and learned to navigate our challenges. We have leaned on friends, family, professionals, and on each other.
It has required thinking outside the box, taking unconventional approaches to issues, and a strong belief that we can get through anything.
There is no guidebook on working through a relationship with a disabled partner.
In this podcast we will explore such topics as:
How do you separate your partner from their disability?
Why do you need to take time for yourself in this relationship?
Why do you need to build a support system?
How do you build fun and intimacy into your relationship?
I will share tips you can use to build a life with your partner so that disability does not take over your whole life.
Join us weekly on Tuesdays and let me help you build a thriving relationship with you partner.
In this episode, I want to share something that will help you to make a good foundation for your relationship. Find the show notes at interabledpartners.com/1.
If you are like me, you have been with your partner for quite some time now. That makes it easy to forget something really important: what attracted you to one another in the first place.
I love that my partner is unique in her own special way. What you find most endearing about your partner will be different than what I find in mine. And yet they are both special.
Why am I asking you to reflect on this? Being in a relationship with someone with a disability can be difficult no doubt.
There are hardships that you deal with on a daily basis which can get in the way of you being a partner and put you more in the role of a caregiver.
My wife, Carol, is blind. I end up doing a lot more work around the house than she does.
I have known many other blind friends who can cook, clean, and do house work. Carol though also has a brain processing disorder, which makes it hard for her to process information, do some complex tasks, and even get around outside.
She also has tremors which make doing things like cooking and cleaning too hard for her. So most of the tasks around the house fall to me to complete.
Of course this means that after I spend the day working at my job, I also need to do most of the work around our house. That’s a lot of caregiving on my part.
When we get engulfed in work and tasks that must be done, it can be tricky to separate out the person that your partner is from the disability they have.
Some of us get overwhelmed with all of the responsibility they have. And they may also form some resentment for the extra work they have to pick up.
So what can we do to keep from falling into this trap?
Remember:
Disability does not define your partner as a person.
A disability is something that they have, not something that they are. Your partner’s struggles with their disability does not define their character.
Disability is of course hard to live with. But it does not define WHO they are. Remember this above all else.
Make Allowances for Dealing with the Disability
This will vary from person to person. Yes there are chores that I take on to make my partner’s life easier. I view this as an act of service towards her.
What can your partner do to contribute to the household? What abilities do they have that they can do their best work? Ask them and start a conversation.
Treating Your Partner as a Person, Not Their Disability
Your partner already knows that their life is not “normal” as compared to other people without disabilities.
This is one we often forget. They have been living with their disability often since before we met them. And they don’t need to be reminded how hard it is.
Instead, approach them with compassion. Work towards finding things that they can do and let them take on those responsibilities.
Together Carol and I have found tasks that she can do. As small as it sounds, Carol really likes changing our bathroom towels on a daily basis and putting clean ones out.
It is a small thing, but she really loves that she found a way to contribute. It brings her great pride to do her chore at home.
You picked each other because there were special qualities that attracted you to one another. Remind yourself of this daily.
Tell your partner why they are special on a regular basis. This not only reminds you of why you fell in love, but also strengthens your bond as a couple.