Kalmyk Cultural Heritage Project (WEDDING): Recent Episodes
Cambridge University
Traditional Kalmyk weddings are distinguished by their elaborate rituals and sheer number of guests. To be considered husband and wife, young couples have to go through the following stages, each involving rituals: the engagement, the wedding and post-wedding observances.
Prior to the engagement, the parents of the groom make enquiries about their future daughter-in-law, her parents and her clan affiliation. Matters considered to be influenced by astrological signs – including the compatibility of the young couple and so on – are determined through consultation with a Buddhist priest. Once a decision has been made, representatives of the groom, usually his father and other male relatives, set out to see the prospective bride's parents to propose the engagement. A package of gifts carried by the groom's delegation for this occasion include a quantity of alcohol, tea, traditional biscuits, silver coins, a loop, and a white khadag (a ritual silk scarf) or a handkerchief to symbolise the permanence of the union between the two families once it has been forged. On the eve of the wedding celebration the groom performs a ritual called kyurg uzullgn (the presentation of the groom), during which he gives a present to his future in-laws and demonstrates his knowledge of traditions. The groom's mother prepares a bedding set for the young couple.
The main wedding celebration begins at the house of the bride when the groom arrives accompanied by his relatives and friends. During the celebration, both the guests and hosts eat and drink, sing songs, generally make merry and wish the young couple well. Since the bride goes into another clan to enjoy their protection, she has to leave her ‘well-being’ (kishg) behind in her parental home by having her nails and hair cut off. This ceremony is called kishg avlgn. The wedding celebration ends with a special ceremony during which the bride leaves her paternal home crying, accompanied by a song called kuuk uulyuldg dun (a song to make the bride weep). At this point her relatives are expected to try to stop the groom's people from taking away the bride and her dowry. This 'struggle' is resolved with the groom's people making a payment to the bride's side. The bride leaves her house without her parents. From this moment on she is considered to be symbolically dead for her clan and reborn in the clan of her husband.
Upon arrival at the groom's house, the bride bows to his clan’s protectors and ancestors by performing a ritual called berin morgul (the bowing of the bride). She then has her hair re-styled to reflect her new status and changes into a married woman's costume. A feast takes place in the groom's house.
The next morning the bride performs a tea ceremony during which her in-laws give her a new name by which she will be known in the new household. Traditionally, the bride's parents come to visit their daughter a few weeks or even months after the wedding.
Tatyana talks about Kalmyk weddings. The groom’s delegation brings meat to the bride’s parents. Upon entering the house, the groom’s people bow to the domestic altar and leave coins on it. After that they give the meat to the bride’s parents. The recipients cut certain bits of the meat and put them on the altar. The rest is used for the feast. The groom gives the bride a present, and sings songs for her parents. The head of the groom’s delegation, who has to be a man, also performs a dance for the bride’s parents, after which he touches the bride’s right shoulder with his right hand. This signifies that the time has come for her to follow her husband. The bride’s friends are supposed to stop the groom’s people taking her away. Upon arriving at the groom’s house, the bride kneels on a special mattress to the gods and parents’ of the groom.
Maria says that she organised the weddings of her grandchildren according to Kalmyk customs. She talks about various stages of matchmaking, wedding, rituals, and gifts exchanged during rituals.
Lyalya says that Kalmyk matchmaking has several stages during which the parents of the betrothed get acquainted with each other and discuss the wedding. During the wedding on the bride’s side, the groom’s delegation is met and welcomed by children. Once inside the house, the groom is seated on a special chair, but for this he has to ‘pay’ to the bride’s people. Women from the bride’s side give the groom’s delegation the so-called ‘bride’s pillow’ for which the groom’s side need also to pay.
Maria recounts several customs that Kalmyks follow during weddings. The bed of the newlywed has to be covered with a curtain. Before going into the house of her husband for the first time, she bows at the entrance. As a married woman the ride has her hair divided into two braids.
Danil says that weddings among the Derbets and the Torghuts are similar. The main difference is a custom for brides to cover their head when leaving their paternal house, which they have among the Torghuts but no among the Derbets. Sergei says that he served as the head of the groom’s delegation for the weddings of his nephews. According to him, the groom’s delegation should consist of an odd number of people (7, 9, 11 or 13 people) with the understanding that the bride, who will join the delegation later, makes the number even. Before taking the bride away from her paternal house, the groom’s people should pay her family the bride wealth. Upon entering the groom’s house, the bride should kneel on a specially prepared mattress to show her respect to her in-laws and her husband’s relatives.
Viktor talks about his son’s engagement and wedding in Moscow. Before the engagement, Viktor paid a visit to his future daughter-in-law’s family twice. During the first visit he got acquainted with the girl’s parents. The second visit involved a delegation, consisting of 11 people, who went to see the girl’s parents to discuss the wedding. The wedding began with a ‘long song’ after which the young couple entered the wedding venue. All guests offered well-wishes for the couple. The bride had her hair divided into two braids. She kept the comb with which her hair was divided ‘to use at the wedding of her own daughter in the future’. The bride’s relatives presented white trousers to the groom’s mother (which is a Derbet custom) and a tobacco pipe to the head of the groom’s delegation. After presents, the bride made Kalmyk tea and received her knew name from her in-laws. Usually, the bride’s parents pay a visit to their newlywed daughter in a week’s time. Since the wedding took place in Moscow, the bride’s parents came to see her the day after the wedding.
Narma says that a gift package that the groom’s delegation gives to the bride’s parents during the engagement includes a box of vodka and a cooked sheep carcass (without the jaw and the neck). The groom’s delegation consist of about 5 people. During the engagement the two sides discuss the wedding i.e. the amount of food to be prepared, the type of presents to be given to each other, and duties for the people. On the day of the wedding, the groom’s side brings with them a live sheep along with other presents. Before entering her husband’s house, the bride has to bow. The next morning she makes tea and receives her new name from her in-laws.
Togtan says that women should show respect to the elders and deities of their husbands’ clans. Women should always wear a headscarf and socks in front of their in-laws. It is forbidden for them to wear trousers or call their husbands’ elder relatives by their first names. Woman are also expected to wake up first in the morning, make tea and do the household chores. When Togtan got married, her mother gave her instructions as to how to behave in her husband’s household. As advised, Togtan woke up early in the morning, milked the cows, and looked after the livestock. Then she made tea and put a cup on the altar.
Togtan says that a traditional matchmaking consists of three stages and a wedding lasts for a couple of days: the first day is celebrated in the bride’s house and the second in the groom’s. Today, in contrast, both matchmaking and weddings have been simplified: matchmaking has only one stage and weddings last for only one day. In the past, weddings were made on matsg (fasting) days. Details regarding the wedding (food, presents etc.) were discussed during a matchmaking meeting between the two sides. On the day of the wedding, the groom’s side brought the following gifts to the bride’s side: tea, a cooked lamb (without the neck) and a live sheep. Before letting the groom’s delegation into their yard or house, the bride’s relatives checked whether the content of their gift package was according to their mutual agreement. The altar at the bride’s house was replenished with offerings consisting of blood sausages, sheep’s liver, kidneys, head and a leg. The groom’s delegation, headed by the groom’s paternal relatives, sat first at the table to be followed by the groom’s maternal relatives.
Tseren says that during the wedding the bride bows to the altar in the groom’s house. In the house her hair is divided into two braids. Only after that, she could go out to the street and the groom could approach her.
After my father’s first wife died, he wanted to get married again. He liked a girl named Angir who was Basli Shoshayev’s daughter from the Khongshud clan. But she did not want to marry him, for she considered him old. My father went to Angir’s older brother and threatened to hand him over to the Soviets as a former White officer. By blackmailing her older brother, my father secured a marriage consent.
Yefrosinya says that she did not have a proper wedding but only signed a marriage paper. Her husband had no relatives, except his paternal aunt, to come to their wedding if they had one. On that day she just invited a couple of acquaintances who uttered well-wishes. After some time her husband’s aunt also invited several families to their house where they had a small celebration. The guests drank vodka and uttered well-wishes to the young family. Their mutual life was short lived, despite Yefrosinya and her husband bringing up 5 children together. In the last 40 years Yefrosinya lives alone. She says that her family split because she did not have a wedding where she should have brought clan ribbons (olgts).
Evdokia says the following: At weddings people sit at the table according to their age. After the bride is brought into the groom’s house, she is introduced to all his relatives. The bride bows to each of them. She also offers them tea. The groom’s relatives give her presents – milk, butter, tea – and utter well-wishes. She is reminded to respect the groom’s relatives all the time. The bride should never sit on the bed that belongs to her in-laws. She cannot show her hair or go barefoot in front of her in-laws.
Nikolai says that one of the oldest traditions among the Kalmyks is called ‘khadmnkh’ which requires that women show respect to their parents-in-law. According to this tradition, women should wear a headscarf, a long dress, and socks in the presence of their in-laws. Old people should always be treated with respect and given a cup of freshly cooked tea. Women also should not sit on the bed of their in-laws, nor pronounce the first names of their husbands’ relatives.
Zoya says that in the past weddings lasted longer, from a week up to a couple of weeks. People performed various rites and used that time to get to know each other better. Both the bride and the groom usually did not know each other before the wedding. During weddings, candies were scattered everywhere on the ground, which was a way of making offerings to local spirits. We, children, competed with each other to collect them. Other rites included the bowing of the bride her in-laws and the division of her hair into two braids to reflect her marital status.
Rimma says that Derbets and Torghuts have similar wedding customs. Everything begins with matchmaking. First, the groom’s side delivers a box of vodka and boiled mutton (including 3 legs, the sheep’s skull without the jaw and the tongue) to the bride’s side. For the wedding, the groom’s side brings two sheep: one live and one cooked. Other wedding gifts include dairy products, more vodka and foodstuff. When the groom’s side sets off to bring the bride from her natal house, the delegation should consist of an odd number of people, the idea being that when the bride joins the delegation the number will be even. The delegation should have more men than women. There should be at least two women, however. Torghuts perform the following rite at their weddings. They wrap white and red coins into a scarf so that the new family becomes strong and united. By contrast, Derbets do not have such a custom. Traditionally, during the wedding the bride was taken to all the groom’s relatives for introduction. She bowed to all these people. Today, by contrast, brides usually bow to their in-laws only. The bride’s parents send a piece of cloth to the groom’s parents who sew a dress for the bride to wear after her wedding. When the bride enters the house of the groom, there is a custom whereby people shoot rifles into the air so that evil spirits do not follow the bride indoors. The groom’s parents accept their new daughter-in-law, divide her hair into two braids and give her a new name by which she will be called in her new house. The bride’s relatives pay her a visit later, with gifts and vodka. In the past the gift bundle included a dress.
Upon arriving at her husband’s house, the bride goes around the house, and bows to the domestic altar. The people around are given boiled meat. Before entering the house, the bride steps over a fire, then enters and fills the candle on the altar with oil, and bows. The bride also brings with her a mattress which is put on the groom’s bed. The bride sits on it. This ritual is called batrkh ‘strengthening (the relationship)’. After that she receives a chest, or box, from her relatives, filled with gifts, including handkerchiefs, clothing, etc.
Elza says that she knows little about weddings but agrees to recount what she knows about traditional weddings. She also talks about the life of daughters-in-law.
Alexandra talks about Kalmyk weddings. She is from the Malyachkhn lineage which does not have many members. Her clan colors are yellow, white and blue.
Ivan recalls how in 1939, when he was 5, he saw a Kalmyk bride. She had her head covered and was riding a horse, being flanked by two horsemen on either side. The bride was brought into the groom’s tent where she bowed down to Buddhas, the hearth and to ancestral spirits of her husband.
In this video Vladimir talks about the Kalmyk wedding, including a custom of choosing and abducting the bride, the engagement and the wedding.
Vladimir talks about a wedding custom whereby the bride’s female relatives take the hat off the leader of the groom’s delegation. These women are usually daughters-in-law, who ask for money in exchange for the hat.
Anna says that when a bride arrives at her husband’s house, people utter a well-wish for her as follows: ‘May the new bride be happy and successful. May she be prosperous in her new home and be healthy. May she stay healthy and not be affected by cough or flu. May she be happy. May she have children and work for the benefit of her new family. May she sit with a ‘straightened-out hemline’. May she be loved by her new relatives.’ This well-wish carries information on the traditional life style of Kalmyks. For example, cough and flu were considered the worst illnesses. As there was no medication, people could easily die from the ailments. This well-wish also contains interesting metaphors, such as ‘kolyan jiikh’, which literally means ‘to relax one’s legs’ in Kalmyk but actually stands for ‘giving birth’. Nomadic life required that people spent long periods of time on their feet. It was only during childbirth and the ensuing recuperation period that women could sit and have a proper rest. Another metaphor, ‘khormagan delgyad suukh’ (lit. ‘to sit with a straightened-out hemline’) means ‘do not be shy or fear anyone’. If a bride sits with her body curled and the hemline of her dress hidden under her feet, this means that she is either afraid of something or hiding a sinful act that she has done.
About Weddings. In the old days no one asked about love. If the groom’s parents found a good girl, they would first enquire about the potential bride and if they decided that she is the right person for their son then they would make an agreement with the girl’s parents and arrange the wedding. Young people did not go out together. They were just married and that was it. They only saw each other at the wedding. Often girls were married off to old men and there were cases when girls disobeyed. The song called ‘Togryash’ is about this. In general, weddings were as follows. If the girls’ parents agreed to marry her off, then the engagement would take place. On the day of engagement, the groom’s relatives visit the girls’ parents. A set of gifts brought by the groom’s delegation would include two or three bottles of milk vodka. The two sides agree on the day of the wedding ‘odr kellgn’. They would also discuss the quantity of cooked meat, alcohol, sweets and bortsg biscuits as well the number of live sheep that should be brought for the bride’s side on the wedding day. On the eve of the wedding day, the parents of the groom assemble a separate yurt for their son in the village. On the wedding day, the groom and his delegation arrive to the bride’s house to take her away. Before entering the house, they stop at the edge of the village and send a messenger with the news that the guests have arrived. The messenger passes a bottle or two bottles of vodka and asks the permission of the bride’s relatives to enter the house. With permission given, the groom’s wedding delegation enters the house. A full set of presents is checked by someone senior from the bride’s side. If there was something missing, the whole procession would not be let into the house. When the groom’s delegation is invited into the house, the wedding celebration begins, the guests eat and drink. Later the food brought by the groom’s side is put on the table. The groom’s delegation must include an old woman and a little boy as well as two women. The two women bring a pillow and sew it up in the bride’s house. The bride’s relatives take this pillow and ask for a buyout for it. The boy and the old woman stay at the bride’s house until midnight and return back home and the rest of the groom’s delegation stays overnight. In the morning of the next day, the groom’s delegation has to cook Kalmyk tea and then ask for permission to take away the bride and her dowry. When the dowry is taken out, the bride is walked out of the house. The bride’s head is covered with a white cloth or shawl. There was a custom to hide the bride and ask for a buyout, but today people do not do it. While the bride is leaving the house, her relatives light a zul (a candle) and sing a farewell song. The crying bride is walked out from the house, while her girlfriends do not let her go. Often there was a fight. As there were no cars in the past, the bride was sat on a horse with two horsemen by her sides. Then the bride is taken to her parent’s in-law house where the dowry is unloaded and the bride is made to bow to new spirits-guardians of her new family. To do this the bride kneels on a special carpet made of felt which she brings. Towards evening the bride’s hair was divided into two braids with covers called shivrlg. Her new hairstyle reflects the new status of a married woman. This was the custom. The next day, the bride’s delegation leaves the groom’s house and on arrival they perform a fire ritual called gal tyakh so that the bride’s well-being that she was endowed, remained at her parental house. The sacrificial sheep would be killed in a special way, some parts of the meat are thrown into the fire as well as salt, melted butter and incenses. The rest of the meat is cooked and eaten by the members of the bride’s delegation, relatives and guests. In seven days, the girl’s relatives visit their daughter. After the wedding the girl is no longer considered a member of her natal family. She belongs to her husband’s family and clan. In a month or two or sometimes in a year the girl can visit her parents and relatives.
About the bride’s wealth. The bride’s dowry included a felt cover. The bride’s family and sometimes fellow villagers were involved in making it. The felt cover is made in the following way: sheep’s wool is laid out on cloth and wetted with water. Then the laid-out wool is twisted together with cloth and felted. Sometimes coloured threads were added to make beautiful ornaments. In order to make colourful edges ribbons were added on the sides of felted wool. Felt covers were kept on chests and covered with fabrics so that the felt lasted longer. Before marriage a traditional dress is sewn for a girl. The dress was embroidered and decorated with pearls. Together with the dress shivrlg – hair braid covers, are being sewn as well. Shivrlg was decorated with tokugs – a silver pendant. My mother had scarlet tokugs.
About taboos for brides. In the old days the daughter-in-law is forbidden from calling her husband’s relatives by their name. The bride could sit on one knee and her head and legs must be covered in the presence of her in-laws. Because of these taboos new names were invented: Tsagan – Gilyan, Badma – Yadma, etc.
Dzhidzha’s story: My mother told me about how Kalmyks chose brides in the past. A matchmaker would insert a thimble filled with sheep’s excrement in the wall of the yurt of the potential bride to see whether the girl did sewing. The next day, the matchmaker would come to check the thimble. For a matchmaking ritual, the groom’s relatives would bring vodka when they discussed the date for a wedding. My mother’s wedding lasted for seven days during which the guests from both her and neighboring settlements ate meat. Kalmyk subethnic groups display a difference with regard to gifts that the groom’s side brings to the bride’s side on a wedding day. Buzavas and Derbets bring an entire sheep that is cooked, while Torghuts bring raw sheep meat with its skull missing the lower jaw and tongue, which they leave at home for themselves.
Alexandra talks about Kalmyk wedding rituals by recounting her children’s weddings, including the matchmaking ceremony, wedding, and a post-wedding ritual. Matchmaking. The groom’s delegation consisted of two people, including the groom’s mother and aunt who came to meet the bride’s parents. The bride’s side offered vodka and food to the guests, and discussed the date of a wedding. The bride’s side gave a chest (‘avdr’) with presents and cloth strips to the groom’s relatives. Wedding. The groom’s people came to the bride’s house. The head of the delegation (‘khyurmin tolgach’) ‘paid’ for the bride’s dowry by giving away banknotes until he had none left. After that the bride was brought out from her natal house, accompanied with her dowry. The head of the delegation touched the dowry. While the bride left her house, people were singing a song of farewell. Her relatives uttered well-wishes and wished her a safe journey. Post-wedding ritual. A week after the wedding, the bride’s parents went to see their daughter. Until then she cannot go and see her parents herself.
Important characteristics to look for when choosing a wife are: the cleanliness of the stove in her house and cutlery, as well as her haircut and whether she is wearing a belt or not.
Ekaterina recalls that when she was a child she saw the wedding of the woman who babysat her. The wedding lasted for three days and all the brides wealth (including cloth, dresses and gifts) were hung on a rope. When the wedding finished and the bride was about to leave her house, she (the bride) cried a lot. Today, Ekaterina says, weddings are done differently. Gifts are made with money. In different places people do weddings differently. For example, in the village of Buran in Lagansk, the groom enters the bride’s house directly. In other villages, in contrast, the groom is met by the bride’s side on the outskirts of their village and escorted into the bride’s house. In Ketchenerovskiy and Maloderbetovskiy rayons, the bride bows in front of the groom’s side by kneeling on a specially prepared mattress. Ekaterina’s oldest son married a Russian woman. Ekaterina asked the bride’s side to prepare blue and white threads, according to a Kalmyk tradition. Compared to Kalmyk weddings, Russian ones are simpler and smaller in terms of participants. Ekaterina herself married into a traditional family. She never walked inside the house barefooted, nor sat at the same table with her father-in-law who was a traditional man. He was religious, read prayers every morning, and always carried Buddhist prayer beads. Ekaterina recalls that once when she was in a bride’s delegation, they escorted the bride to the groom’s house after the wedding. A bride’s delegation (that sends the bride off to her new house) has to have an even number of members. In contrast, delegations that go to bring the bride should consist of uneven number of people (with a view that the bride herself makes the number even). Given the importance of color symbolism, people should wear light dresses at weddings.
Sangadzhi talks about wedding rituals, including matchmaking, weddings, gal tyalgn (fire ritual) and other things. Sangadzhi talks about wedding rituals, including matchmaking, weddings, gal tyalgn (fire ritual) and other things.
Lidzhi says that various rituals that people perform at weddings are all done for the wellbeing and happiness of the newlywed.
Anatoliy relays stories about the weddings of his children. He held his daughter’s wedding at home. The groom’s side gave him vodka and two sheep, one live and the other butchered, according to a Kalmyk tradition. After the wedding, his daughter followed her husband to the village of Komsomol’skiy in Chernozemel’skiy rayon of Kalmykia where he lived. One of Anatoliy’s sons also held his wedding at his paternal home in Gorodovikovsk. The celebration lasted for two days. His other son had his wedding in a restaurant in Elista.
Nadvid says that in the past Kalmyk matchmaking consisted of several stages. Matchmaking started with the parents of the groom paying a visit to the parents of the potential bride. Each stage entailed the observation of special rituals and customs. The wedding itself consisted of two celebrations: a celebration in the bride’s house and an ensuing celebration in the groom’s house.
Bosya talks about matchmaking customs, how people prepare for a wedding on both the groom’s and bride’s sides, and how weddings take place among the Kalmyks. Matchmaking has several stages. Weddings are celebrated for two days: on the first day in the house of the bride and the next day in the groom’s house.
Ais says that for any mother the happiest and most awaited moment in their lives is when their sons get married. According to Kalmyk tradition, the parents of the bride bring her white trousers with fur balls dangling which symbolizes a well-wish that her family lives in prosperity, happiness, and fertility. Sometimes the trousers have a special pocket. At the wedding ceremony the mother of the groom puts on the trousers and dances in front of guests who put money into the pocket.