Little Lonely Letters: Recent Episodes
Little Lonely Letters
Audio Diary I Confessional Pods on Life, Love, and Healing.
As a depressive who's lost the joy of living, I am on a mission to understand how I feel and what can give me joy, satisfaction and purpose.
My Podcast explores mental health recovery and professional pursuit as an aspiring writer. I think the key to success, satisfaction and happiness is to know thyself. The best and most difficult way to achieve that is to follow your feelings.
Find what's fun. Follow your envy.
I took my mom' call. Hung up after a while. Called her again and still stayed angry. Moms, we love them the most but they also hurt us the most sometimes. You want them to tell you, they have you, don't worry, instead your mom tells you everything rides on whether or not you eat Chawanprash. I'm telling her I need to figure out how to pay for therapy, I've got a 16k treatment pending for my stomach that I can't afford. I've got a job and living situation to worry about and what angries me, she won't shut up about me eating Chawanprash, she literally asked me to buy it and send her pictures. What do you call such a relationship. What does this say about her and me? Don't think I'm innocent, I've bled my parents dry of money a lot and so I know they've tried their best but I wish they atleast heard me and wished me strength.
After finishing 60 days of morning journal via insta stories @questionsinquill, I'm now experiment with audio diaries. 🌻So I woke up at 9:30, disoriented, with a mild headache. Stomach trouble still kinda there, I'm too lazy to get a checkup but I should do it some time soon, having chronic stomach pain day after day isn't exactly a sign of good health. I guess I'm kinda scared to find out if there's something actually wrong. I guess I'm really sensitive when it comes to my physical health, it's been through a lot and when it comes to the mind, I'm still confident that I'll get through somehow but when my body starts acting up, it scares me. Probably cuz I'm very hyper-indepent, having gone through intense traumatic experience and not getting any emotional safety from my parents, ever since I was a baby, I always looked at life as the world vs me. Ofcourse it's not like I didn't crave affection or connections, I still do but I guess I don't trust anyone in my life. That's why when my body starts to fail me I feel more scared then usual. But that's kinda changing now. I've been in therapy for a good few months now and I am able to talk about all the feelings that I never can express to others. Probably because it's a very non-human relationship, the therapist doesn't react she only analyzes, so I feel more free to talk about and express how I really feel. Because as someone that's grown up in survival mode as you as 8, I've always done what was needed in a particular situation, not what I would like to do. And so anger didn't make much sense to me. What would anger solve, it would only make the situation worse. My therapist is the first person who is an adult, a person in position of power, whom I expressed my anger towards telling her how she's let me down and stuff. In yesterday's session she brought it up asking if it felt disorienting and embarrassing? Which it did. You see I've always been in situations where I was at the mercy of others emotional well being to stabilize my own emotional health. And honestly it pricked me when she outright said something I was in denail of but that's the truth, the trauma I carry from various facets of my life has convinced me that if I get angry at someone that's hurt me they will either punish me or worse leave me. And that's because I've never had a relationship where someone was there for me unconditionally and I trusted them to not leave. And I always wondered why I could never express anger and now that I know it's actually makes me sad to think how little emotional security I hace in the relationships around me that I have never once gotten angry at them. I always thought anger as a bad emotion, something that needs no space to exist, but I know now that's not the case. To be able to express anger, ofcourse with words, in a relationship perhaps shows that you trust that person to accept your disappointment and still be there the next day. Well most of what I say may or may not make sense to you, I don't make sense to me but ever since I started therpapy a few months back, I feel like a newborn child, scared and fragile, bold and without rationality, discovering life in a new light. My therapist lately uses the word poignant a lot in response to what I say and I guess that explains some of it, ' what you just said was really poignant, she'll say and the truth I do too believe that a lot of what I've lived or survived is truly heartbreaking and I mostly keep it all locked in, now only opening the safe in therpapy and activities like these because I've lived the experience of having the biggest trauma of my life in
Honestly it's too early to label any of this but I'll try and express what I think this podcast is.. ofcourse I've missed out on mentioning the community aspect of it which is if sharing my stories raises questions or a confidence in your heart, do feel unhinged to write me an email.