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One more week left to drive recklessly in school zones.
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Started the day with two shots of tequila and now I’m at the gym. Balance.
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I'm not anti-social, I'm anti-idiot. It's definitely a thing.
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You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your summer cookout.
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Looking for that one weirdo who's willing to hold up my tits this summer.
Cause, fuck this heat.
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I fold my worries into paper planes and turn them into flying fucks.
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It will take you little, to no time to figure out who’s actually worth your time.
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Everything you’re looking for is looking for you too.
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If I had a penis, I would sling-shot popcorn from my erection to my mouth.
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Mention someone for no reason just to disturb them.
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I’ll take a funny guy over a pretty boy with slick words any day.
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Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
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Might fuck around and reply “who married you?” when people say their divorce is final.
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If she starts laughing in the middle of an argument, RUN.
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I'm terrible at sit ups and push ups
But my fuck ups are on point
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Bed bath and beyond except it’s just a list of all the places I’m gonna let you fuck me this week.
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Love yourself enough to have the courage to not settle. That’s when the adventure begins.
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None of this new year, new you bullshit. If you made it through this last year, keep on keeping on. You are doing great!
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The space between christmas and new years is known as the taint.
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In the winter, I call my boobs snow globes because they're cold and fun to shake.
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“With all due respect, is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
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Why pay to go to a haunted house when smoking weed and going to the grocery store is free?
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Haunted House idea: A poorly lit Walmart, littered with people you haven't seen since High School.
