How to Make Sure You Choose a Good Boyfriend - Evan Marc Katz Blog: Recent Episodes
Evan Marc Katz
Jen knew that getting into an Ivy League school was competitive so she took all AP classes in high school and added four years of extracurriculars to get her into Dartmouth.
She knew she wanted a career with considerable financial upside, so she majored in economics. It was a male-dominated program and Jen knew she’d have to be tough to get ahead. She graduated magna cum laude and got a job straight out of school as an analyst for Smith Barney.
Back in the 90’s, it was full-on Wolf of Wall Street, so Jen learned how to put her head down, manage her emotions, and burn the midnight oil. In the first few years of her career, she was routinely clocking 16 hour days with no time to herself and barely any time for sleep.
She made great money and had little time to spend it. Then she met her husband – another mergers and acquisitions guy – in her late 20’s. He made enough for Jen to quit her day job and become a devoted stay-at-home-Mom in her 30’s.
While he paid for everything, she took care of everything else: The groceries. The social plans. The doctors’ appointments. The carpool. The club sports. The vacations.
Their roles became more well-defined and separate. The next thing you know, they had drifted apart. From the outside, they looked like the perfect family. From the inside, there wasn’t much left to them as a couple. Most of their conversations were about money and the kids, and the very things that brought them together no longer seemed to matter.
The 5 Love Languages? Jen’s husband barely spoke one.
Jen summoned the same skill set that took her from high school to Dartmouth and from Dartmouth to Wall Street. She doubled down on hard work. She went to therapy. She tried to drag her husband to therapy. She tried to plan date nights. In fact, at one point, Jen realized she was doing everything to bring them closer together and he was doing nothing.
But that didn’t stop her. As a hard-working, analytical, tenacious woman, she was not going down without a fight. Not with two kids. Not with their nice house. Not with the fear of starting over. Even though Jen would later estimate that they got along less than half the time, she stayed. She ignored her feelings of being unseen and resigned herself to being the best Mom she could be. By the time the kids were in high school, their marriage was a shell of the original thing that brought them together.
In school and your career, you put in the work, you get the reward.
Love doesn’t operate that way.
If it did, Jen would be a success, since no one will outwork her. But love isn’t about work; it’s about listening to your feelings. After two decades of ignoring her feelings, Jen divorced her husband and figured that, because she was a catch, she’d find a new man quickly.
But love is not a meritocracy – and you don’t succeed because you went to a good school, have a healthy bank account, and a well-worn passport. You don’t succeed by latching onto the first cute, rich guy who comes along and holding onto him for dear life, because you don’t like being alone and you don’t like dating.
That is intern behavior. You’re a CEO. A CEO knows that the secret to low employee turnover is to create a culture of accountability. To hire slowly and fire quickly.
This is the OPPOSITE of how most high-achieving, high net-worth women date.
You hire quickly – in the first few dates – but you may take decades to fire. All because of how tenacious you are. That’s the paradigm we have to break.
Jen’s story isn’t unique.
It’s what happens when you apply a success strategy that works everywhere else in your life to the one place where it backfires.
Your ability to push through, to stay committed, to outwork everyone in the room is exactly what made you successful.
It’s also what keeps you in relationships long after they stop feeling good.
If you’re ready to stop overinvesting in the wrong relationships and start choosing men who actually show up for you, I invite you to take the next step.
You deserve to have the easy, lasting relationship you’ve always worked so hard for.
Strap yourself in for a story. It happens to be about a man but, as you’ll see, it can just as easily apply to you.
Mike is in his mid-fifties. He’s cute, charming, and successful. A self-made millionaire. Extremely well-read. Interesting to talk to at parties. Loves dogs, travel, and kids.
Mike also came from a broken home and could be classified as an avoidant attachment style. As a result, his dating patterns are generally the OPPOSITE of whatever I coach.
Looking for a long-distance relationship? Check.
Sleeping with someone quickly? Check.
Committing too quickly? Check.
Moving in before a year? Check.
Mistaking chemistry for compatibility? Check.
Trying to fix anxious, jealous, emotionally immature women? Check.
Staying in unhealthy relationships for months or years too long? Check.
We can go on, but you get the idea. This is a great person, who, despite his positive traits, makes questionable choices in love. When we talk, I think of my definition of happiness: Happiness is when your goals and your actions are aligned.
Mike’s deep-seated beliefs (based on his experience) and his refusal to let go of being a biological dad leads him to the same issues, again and again.
His belief that there are few good women in his city lead him to date long-distance.
Mike invariably finds a woman in another city or country with whom he has great chemistry, and they dive into a relationship. He often ignores the inconvenient fact that an LDR requires extensive travel and, eventually, moving her into his place within the first six months to accelerate things and keep the connection alive.
His belief that he must have his own children leads him to date 15-20 years younger.
Mike is Generation X and generally down about younger women, thinking that they’re too into social media, drinking, and their careers. If he needs a younger woman but generally doesn’t like younger women, well, you can probably see the problem.
The internal contradiction of what he finds attractive leaves him alone.
Mike values looks, intelligence and sophistication above all. He dates hot, brilliant, and accomplished women who often have anxious attachment styles, jealousy issues, and volatile communication methods. Even though he wants a nurturing career woman, he refuses to date single moms of any age, despite the fact that mothers are often nurturing.
My simple solution for Mike: let go of having kids, date an attractive, successful, single mom between 45-55 who is mature, financially independent, and family oriented. Be happy for the rest of your life because you found an equal partner who “gets you.”
Does he listen? Nope. He wants what he wants. We all do.
Now you may be reading this and shaking your head in frustration. Please don’t. If anything, I’d like you to consider how much you may have in common with him.
Do you have a belief that there are few good men in your city that allows you to dive into instant relationships with long-distance guys based on chemistry?
Do you have a fixed belief about the type of man you need to be with? College educated? Makes more money? Over 5’10”? Similar hobbies and interests?
Do you have internal contradictions that make love improbable? A gorgeous guy who only has eyes for you? A wealthy guy who is home by 6 and doesn’t travel all the time? A brilliant guy who has a high EQ, listens to you, and values your opinions as much as his own?
It’s easy to judge Mike for his refusal to compromise – and it’s easy for you to project what you think he should compromise on. But what will you compromise on?
If you’ve struggled to find a healthy relationship and you don’t know the answer, click here to talk to me. Sometimes, we’re too close to be able to see the answers in front of us.
Love,
Evan
Learn more about coaching with me
Book a breakthrough call with me
Let’s acknowledge why dating is the last thing you want to do:
- Online dating apps are flawed.
- 90% of the male population isn’t up to your standards.
- You get connection from your friends, joy from your hobbies, money from your work.
- Every relationship you’ve ever had ultimately ended.
Armed with that information, it’s rational to conclude that you don’t want to date anymore.
So you give up on dating. Focus on yourself. “Do the work” of healing. Sink your time, energy, and money into self-care and travel.
At some point, you discover that while you HAVE enjoyed these things, two thoughts keep popping into your mind:
- I’m lonely and wish I had someone to share this all with.
- I see other women with loving partners and I can’t help but wonder: why not me?
But you KNOW the answer to the question “why not me?” After a series of bad dates and dead-end relationships, you STOPPED DATING, hoping it would happen in real life.
And it hasn’t. And it won’t. And I’m saying this because I just enrolled a 68-year-old woman in coaching who has been on my mailing list since she was 51.
It only took 17 years of being alone and dating ineffectively to get her to reach out.
Listen, I understand that dating and relationships have caused pain – and it’s human nature to do things to avoid pain. But it’s also human nature to do things to seek pleasure.
When you’re overweight, it’s painful to diet and work out – but it’s the surest path to weight loss, energy, confidence and a long-term healthy life.
When you’re unemployed, it’s painful to rewrite your resume, hustle, and look for a new position – but it’s the surest path to more money, stability, and job satisfaction.
When you’re single, it’s painful to date – especially if you’re dating the same way you always have: randomly swiping and texting men, going on blind first dates, hooking up with cute guys and keeping your fingers crossed that they’re good people.
But there is no shortcut to lasting love. There’s only your desire and your effort. Same as dieting. Same as job hunting. Those who embrace it are the ones who achieve their goal of finding a partner who loves them unconditionally and takes care of them every day.
Your happiness is in your hands.
Just reach out and I’ll show you the way.
Love,
Evan
Learn to date with joy and confidenceBook a breakthrough call with me
One of the biggest problems women face in love is that you don’t trust your judgment. After decades of subpar relationships, that makes sense. If every man you’ve ever dated didn’t work out, why would you think that the next one would be any different? These repeated relationship failures lead you to a state of despair, powerlessness, and paralysis. That’s when women generally reach out to me.
And even though every woman who hires me has the same goal – to find a happy, healthy, long-term relationship, the truth is: my goal is different. More empowering. Longer-lasting. While your goal is to meet a man ASAP so you never have to go on another date for the rest of your life, my goal is to give you the ability to trust your own judgment in love.
As a parent, it’s the difference between giving your kid a job and giving her the creativity and resilience to choose a career that is aligned with their goals.
I love saying that I have more success stories than most matchmakers, even though I’ve never made an introduction in my entire career. Why? Because matchmakers catch you a fish; dating coaches teach you HOW to fish. All of my success stories are from women who learned the skill of dating and relationships and report back to me years later.
This week’s story is from a current client who was a people-pleaser stuck in an abusive 25 year marriage and was petrified of the prospects of online dating.
While it took Randi 3 months to get up the nerve to set up her daily online dating practices, from our coaching calls, she absorbed the lessons of Love U: being the CEO of your own love life, assuming the answer is yes, listening to your feelings, setting healthy boundaries.
Here’s what Randi said after a guy flaked on a scheduled phone call for a second time and she texted him back, cutting him loose and wishing him well:
I never write to someone like I did here. I generally just move on. But as my confidence grows and as I take things much less personally, I see myself acting differently. I’m glad I gave him a second chance and saw things through.
Since opening my profile, I have had a date every weekend. 5 total! And two last weekend. Two 2nd dates that have since fizzled out and one first date last Sunday where there was no chemistry at all. We shared a great meal and he seemed like a good man, but at one point during the date I wished I could get up and leave because I was so bored. Before the date ended he asked me point blank if I would want to see him again. I told him that I was unsure and would need to think about it. He then said, “Well can I tell you how I feel about you?” I braced myself for the worst but he went on to tell me how honored he’d be to have me on his arm, that he thought I was beautiful inside and out and very intelligent too. After he walked me to my car I gave him a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek.
I texted him the next day and thanked him for a lovely date, told him the food was delicious, but that I didn’t feel the connection I wanted/needed.
He took it very well. And I am now talking to 5 or 6 new men. I would not be surprised if one turns into a date. We shall see. I am so enjoying spending so much time with nice men and growing and learning. With each date my confidence, self-knowledge, and understanding of men continues to grow. I have a lot of compassion for them while keeping my wants and needs front and center. What’s working for me now is using 3 apps simultaneously. Doing so helps me keep up to 10 men in the funnel at any given time.
I look forward to our next one on one coaching session.
Randi
Does this sound like a woman who is afraid of online dating? Who sees the worst in the opposite sex? Who’s skeptical that there are quality guys ? Who is pessimistic about love?
No. No. No. And no.
Although Randi does not have a boyfriend, she is embodying the traits of a woman who will soon find a partner. She’s warm, confident, enthusiastic, curious, optimistic, and, most importantly: SHE TRUSTS HER JUDGMENT!
I know there’s the temptation to skip dating and keep your fingers crossed that you’ll meet someone in real life. That strategy – while common – doesn’t work well.
If you want to learn to date with joy, confidence, and optimism – and, in turn, attract the best in men, click here to talk with me.
Soon, you’ll sound a lot like Randi – playful, empowered, and on her way to lasting love.
XO,
Evan
Raise your relationship standards
Learn more about Love U Live Coaching
Book a breakthrough call with me
As a dating coach for smart, successful women, I’ve been asked the same question in a hundred different ways:
- “Where are all the good men?”
- “What’s the best dating app?”
- “Is it better to meet someone at church, through friends, or at a professional networking event?”
Underneath these questions is the same core belief: “I just haven’t met the right guy yet.” But I’m here to tell you something that might rattle your worldview a little:
The problem is not where you meet men. The problem is how you choose them.
It’s completely understandable why so many women focus on where to meet men:
- If I just get on the right app, he’ll show up.
- If I move to a city with more single men, I’ll finally find him.
- If I attend more events, workshops, and meetups, I’ll increase my chances.
But here’s the truth (believe it or not): good men are everywhere. The problem isn’t merely access; it’s selection. Remember: I’m not blaming you for the lack of quality men. I’m acknowledging that 90% of men are not for you AND pointing out that if you keep choosing poorly, it won’t matter where you meet them. The pattern will repeat.
The Flawed Logic of “I Just Haven’t Met the Right Guy Yet”
I just haven’t met the right guy” is comforting because it implies there’s nothing you can do to alter your future.
The problem is always dating apps, your city, and, basically, all men.
Imagine a man said the same thing. You’d assume he had a big blind spot.
So if none of your previous relationships made you feel safe, heard, and understood, then maybe — just maybe — the common denominator isn’t men… it’s your choices.
Not in a self-shaming way. In an empowering, take-the-wheel-of-your-love-life kind of way.
Because when you realize that your biggest challenge isn’t meeting men or even keeping them — it’s choosing the right one in the first place — everything changes.
Why Women Choose Poorly (Even Smart Ones, Like You!)
You’re not alone. I see this with my clients all the time. Here are a few common traps:
1. You mistake chemistry for compatibility.
That hot guy with the witty banter gives you butterflies… and anxiety. He’s exciting, but he’s also inconsistent, unavailable, or emotionally exhausting.
2. You fall in love with potential.
You see what he could be if he just went to therapy, communicated better, or stopped being selfish. But potential isn’t reality. And who he could be isn’t who he is right now.
3. You override your own feelings.
He checks the boxes on paper, so when you don’t feel emotionally fulfilled, you tell yourself you’re being too picky. Spoiler alert: you’re not.
One of my clients – let’s call her Lisa – came into Love U after a string of relationships with men who were exciting, accomplished, and emotionally vacant.
She kept saying, “I just haven’t met the right guy.” What she really meant was: “I keep choosing attractive men who make me feel like I’m walking on eggshells.”
When she finally gave a good guy a chance – someone who showed up consistently, listened, and treated her like gold – she realized that her life wasn’t marked by looking for love in all the wrong places, but rather, wasting decades on relationships with the wrong men.
She didn’t have to chase love. She didn’t have to question where she stood. She simply allowed herself to be loved the way she deserved all along.
And yes — she met him online, in a city where she swore all the good men were taken.
Become the CEO of Your Love Life
Choosing the right man is a skill. Just like you learned how to build your career or manage your finances, you can learn how to choose a man who makes you feel cherished.
In Love U, I teach you how to meet men, date with confidence, understand male behavior, and choose a compatible partner.
You don’t need a different app, a better city, or a mythical meetup with only great guys.
You need a better strategy — and I can teach you how.
If you’re ready to finally stop selecting the wrong men and start attracting the right one, click here to apply for coaching.
You’ll get the support, structure, and tools to create the love life you’ve always wanted.
Love,
Evan
Raise your relationship standards
Learn more about Love U Live Coaching
Book a breakthrough call with me
What Men Are For by Richard Reeves
Richard Reeves wrote a bestselling book that immediately became part of the zeitgeist, called “Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why It Matters and What to Do About It.” He also, naturally, has a Substack.
It’s relatively unpopular to express sympathy for men. Most of the cries about the masculinity crises come from the far right – men who tan their taints and think manhood = beard + firearm + extreme aggression.
I think this is silly. Manhood – like womanhood – comes in many flavors. Although there are many men who fail to get masculinity correct – guys with no jobs, no integrity, and no self-awareness – that doesn’t mean we should give up on them or turn a blind eye to their suffering. Writes Reeves:
“If men were Lone Rangers at heart, feminism should have freed them. As women became independent, men could simply head to the hills and be their true selves, unburdened by paycheques and parent-teacher nights. But, in fact, the Lone Ranger is just lonely. Today 15 percent of young men say they have no close friends, up from just 3 percent in 1990. Single men have worse health, lower employment rates, and weaker social networks than married men. Drug-related deaths among never-married men more than doubled in a single decade, from 2010 to 2020. Divorce, now twice as likely to be initiated by wives as husbands, is psychologically harder on men than women.”
I know how that may land:
“Cry me a river, men of the patriarchy! If you had more emotional intelligence and were raised in a culture that valued traits like sensitivity, nurturing, and friendship, women wouldn’t be leaving you in droves.”
True!
If I could wave a magic wand over men to fix them, I’d do it.
Click here to read the rest of the article on Substack.
There are men who really, really want kids like you do. I was one of them. I always wanted to be a Dad and was always looking for a woman who wanted to be a Mom.
Don’t say that to the woman who thinks that if she’s a self-made millionaire, she “deserves” to date a man who makes more. And definitely don’t say anything to the millions of starry-eyed lovers who think that long-distance relationships are a good idea.
Of course, you’re going to have chemistry, romance, physical connection with a guy – that’s exactly what STARTS pretty much every relationship. But you’re playing the long game here – trying to find a lifetime partner, presumably – and your decision-making criteria has to change when you’re considering a future.
I hope you challenged yourself on what you can do differently, and on understanding how men really think. No matter what, I remain committed to staying in touch with you and giving you as much valuable information as I can in my weekly newsletters, blog posts and podcasts.
I am shattered from bad relationships. I've just finished my seventh long term relationship and I’m only 37. The man before this last one died unfortunately from cancer and left me with a newborn baby. I took nearly four years to pull myself together after this and then met a man online.
I don’t usually do this but I had something I wanted to say today. Thanks for viewing, sharing, and offering your thoughts below.
As a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women, I am well aware of the myriad problems you have with men. How they sleep with you without commitment. How they seem like they're into you but they're not.
Neat article in Business Insider confirms what most of us already suspect: Looks matter. Clothes matter. Non-verbal cues matter. Eye contact matters. Perception matters.