FamilyLife Blended® Minute: Recent Episodes
FamilyLife Podcast Network
FamilyLife Blended® Minute with host Ron Deal is a 60 second radio program that provides timeless wisdom and practical help and hope for blended families and those who love them.
You know, sometimes it's the little things that count.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Every church…is a prison ministry.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Man, we sure are fickle about commitment.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Have you ever prayed for poverty? Well, neither should you pray for riches.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
What happens when your system of money management is paired with pain? Well, nothing good that's what.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Sometimes you have to have a never say die attitude.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Don't worry, be happy is not always the best song to sing.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
When you check into a hotel, it feels like home, right?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
One of my goals…connecting you to your child's heart.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
What do you believe about stepparenting?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Family is a central theme in the Bible. Maybe it should be in your church as well.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
In the movies—and life—scary music means it's time to run!
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
I'm sorry, what's your point?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Please, don't misunderstand me.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Dating in mid-life is complicated.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Have you ever had someone treat your child unfairly? Did the hair on the back of your neck stand up like it did on mine?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Sometimes, we parents have to give up what we really, really want in order to give our children what they really, really need.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Ever since Adam and Eve people have been playing it—the blame game.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
If at first you don't succeed try, try again. Does that apply to marriage, too?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
What do you do with good news? Share it!
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
You know lukewarm doesn't taste so good.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Hey Ron, when do I introduce my dating partner to my kids?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Ron, because my children are adults, I thought me dating wouldn't be a problem. Boy was I wrong.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Dating for two is difficult. Dating in a crowd is downright complicated.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Compassionately correcting a friend is an act of love.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
When things are tough, default back into the arms of God.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Parting words, for all of us.
Show Notes and Resources
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Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
One day we have to give them back.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
So you may be asking me, what one piece of advice would you give blended families?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Yeah, Ron, I'm an only child who has seven brothers and sisters.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Half of all marriages end in divorce, right? Well, I've got good news.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
I promise I'm not a peeping Ron!
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
I just don't feel like his partner, that's what Barbara told me. David controlled all the money. She didn't even know how much they had.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
So this guy runs up to me at one of my stepfamily conferences and asks, "What do I do about the ‘D and R' tattooed on my forehead?"
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Somebody once said, "Divorce is the gift that keeps on taking." So why would you want to do it twice?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Becoming a stepfamily is in part about welcoming new family members. But it's also about keeping the old.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Proverbs says that a wise child brings joy to his parents, but a foolish child brings grief. So how do you make them wise?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Hey, I'm not in a stepfamily. So how come you make so much sense?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
What's your working definition of love?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
When two elephants fight, it's the grass that suffers.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
I've been asked many times, "How do people survive tragedy without God?" Answer: I have no idea.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Do you remember record albums? How many grooves are there in a 12-inch record?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Have you ever gotten the feeling that your relationships are doing a number on you?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Every conflict has its own little dance. Are you a Distancer or a Pursuer?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Every couple has conflict. Having the right tools in your tool box will help you manage it.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Okay, so you are a mom in a blended family. Have you ever heard this one before? You love him more than you love us.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
For kids, a healthy stepfamily is life changing!
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
So you may be asking me, what one piece of advice would you give blended families?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
What's the difference between a great accomplishment and just another failed attempt?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Do you want to hear something sobering? Kids are not always invested in the success of their parent's remarriage.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Fairytales expect moms and stepmoms to be at odds. But it's a wish come true for kids when they aren't.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
What happens when a dad and stepdad team up? Kids win—that's what happens.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Do you remember that old adage about why you have two ears and only one mouth?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Well, here it is parents. The single best discipline strategy known to mankind.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
I'll never forget it. The first time I came home from work and my wife said, "Tag, you're it."
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
One sure sign of a mature person: grace under fire.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Does your marriage know what it means to share the Lord?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Hey Ron, why do a lot of your books have the word Smart in the title?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Want to speed up bonding in your stepfamily? Stop orchestrating togetherness and just let them simmer.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Ron, I just don't think I was cut out to be part of a stepfamily.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Sometimes "grasping for straws" is really grasping for control.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Have you ever been on the outside looking in?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Parenting a troubled child always begins with managing ourselves first.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
When our kids are troubled, it troubles us.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Exasperate is not a word we use much today. It means to provoke to anger. Hmmm. Who do you exasperate?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Let's talk about how to live.
Show Notes and Resources
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Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Do you really know how to live? Well the Bible tells us, more or less.
Show Notes and Resources
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Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Does God's word have anything practical to say about how to live? Yeah, more or less.
Show Notes and Resources
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Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Okay, imagine your parents are madly in love. And then one day you see one of your parents kissing someone else. What do you feel?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Life poses many questions. And when painful things happen, our questions reveal a lot about us.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Life is a field trip.
Show Notes and Resources
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Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Is your family walking the path of righteousness?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Choosing what's best sometimes comes at a price.
Show Notes and Resources
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Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
You know everybody's got burdens. When a burden is too much for you to bear, according to Galatians 6, I'm supposed to help.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
In the Lord's Prayer, Jesus taught us to seek forgiveness for our debts but even then, do you sometimes feel indebted?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Billy Graham said that prayer is a two-way conversation between you and God.
Show Notes and Resources
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Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Let me ask you a question. Do you enjoy hanging out with people who are harsh, angry, and difficult to get along with? Yeah, me neither.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
When it comes to parenting, sometimes adults should be…well…stubborn!
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
When you attack your kids other parent watch out. Your kids may feel attacked, too.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Okay, so you're a new stepmom and you moved into his house, how do you make it your home?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
What Father's Day gift do you give the man who stepped in when your dad stepped out?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
We love our kids. But we don't always like them.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Hey stepparents, do you have positional authority or relational authority?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Grandparents can set the tone for a lot in a family.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
The notion that "All you need is love" just isn't true.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
What would you say to a stepchild who just said, "You are not my dad. I do not have to do what you say."
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
What would you say if your stepdaughter just declared, "You're not my dad; I don't have to do what you say."
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Have you ever felt caught between two people you love? Stuck between a rock and a hard place?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Yo, Dude. Hey, slow down. Have some tact, okay.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Mark Twain once said, "A cat that sits on a hot stove won't sit on a hot stove again." And then he added, "Neither will it sit on a cold stove."
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Sometimes life forces you to adapt and adjust.
Show Notes and Resources
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Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
On any journey, part of gauging your progress is knowing how far you have to go and knowing how far you've come.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
…for better, for worse, till death do us part.
Show Notes and Resources
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Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
It's quiz time. What do graduation, getting married, getting pregnant or having a baby all have in common?
Show Notes and Resources
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Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
If you want to love someone well, be a gentle-servant.
Show Notes and Resources
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Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
One quality of those who go the distance in their marriage and family is perseverance.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Summer is here and for some of you it means the kids are switching homes. Would you like to know how to start it off right?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
It's time for the extended summer sleepover and if you're a stepparent, you might feel in some ways like you're starting over.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Are you ready for the extended summer sleepover?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Part-time biological parents are sometimes tempted to have an expectation double standard for their kids. But why?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
I once asked a seven-year-old what it felt like when her mom married her stepfather. She said, "It's kind of like when a friend pushes you down on the playground and runs off and leaves you." Ouch.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
This week we've been talking about maximizing the fun-factor in your marriage. But did you know that sometimes the path to fun is full of sacrifice.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Guess what? A regular diet of fun predicts whether stepfamily couples have a dynamic, fulfilling relationship or an unhappy one.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
You don't have to be a brain surgeon to guess that having fun together as a couple is good for your marriage. And you'd be right!
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
What would your friends say? That you are quick to react when frustrated or careful to respond?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
This Mother's Day churches all over America have a wonderful opportunity to connect the hearts of stepmoms to their stepchildren. And, today I'll tell you how.
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
So, with all the complications surrounding a stepmother's role, just how do you celebrate Mother's Day?
Show Notes and Resources
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Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
What's the difference between those who hear the Word of God and are changed by it and those who aren't?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
Contact us, email blended@familylife.com
Have you ever had somebody take a bite of your cake without asking?
Show Notes and Resources
Find out more at familylife.com/blended
Check out our blended family resources.
Listen to the full-length FamilyLife Blended podcast.
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When a baby is born parent and child have a deep emotional bond that is stronger than steel. But on day one, what kind of bond do a stepparent and stepchild have?
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The Bible in Romans 12 says, "as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." That's fine when circumstances allow, but when a friend or family member walks away what do you do?
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Have you ever tried to give advice to someone blinded by their own desire? Yeah, it's pretty much pointless.
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Do you know what the difference is between couples who get through rough times and those who don't?
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In one year, home fires in the U.S. accounted for close to 16,000 injuries, and over 3200 deaths. But there's a home fire of a different kind that is just as destructive.
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In order to be a loving spouse sometimes you have to unlearn what you've learned.
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Can you imagine at your wedding expressing vows to someone other than your groom or bride?
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"Okay, Ron, just where do I fit in this picture?"
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What do you do when family relationships compete?
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Sharing special occasions for the first time with someone we love is a part of what makes them special. But what if your first, is their second?
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Hey Ron, should we have a baby?
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I think stepparents should get a gold medal.
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Parents it may be time for a business meeting. No doubt lots of parenting takes place on the fly. I'll be honest. We're pretty much making it up as we go, right? Which is why we need to slow down.
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You know what's worth more than silver, or gold, or rubies? According to Proverbs 8, it's wisdom.
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Sometimes stepfamily relationships need a kick in the pants.
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Wise new stepparents are like hall monitors. They know what's going on but they aren't always a part of it.
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Sometimes you build a bridge to your stepchild's heart by staying away.
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Here's a tip for building a bridge to your stepchild's heart. Don't take rejection personally.
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A stepparent recently asked me, "Ron, what do you do with the hot and cold from stepkids? I mean, one minute they love me and the next they want nothing to do with me."
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Dear Ron, I'm a new stepparent. Just what is my role when it comes to discipline? Signed, Confused, But Excited.
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Have you ever tried to force a jigsaw puzzle piece into a spot it wasn't made to fit?
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When it comes to traditions, you need something old and something new.
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One of the keys to successfully combining a blended family is time.
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There is a surprise benefit of stepfamily living; imitating God's choice to love.
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Don't you want this marriage to be your last?
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Have you ever tried to find a model biblical family to emulate? Well, I have and I can't find one.
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Have you ever faced a great trial in your life…with joy?
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Hey, you know a great way to celebrate Christ's resurrection? Search for eggs.
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You've heard about the "wicked stepmother," right? But what about the "plight of the stepmother"?
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Has anyone ever said to you, "You know, I'm just getting to know you, but I really appreciate you. I'd like to get to know you a little bit better"?
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One way to develop faith in your children is to think out loud.
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Now here's a funny one: sometimes, when we're feeling insecure in our marriage, we yell at our spouse so they'll come closer. Yeah, right!
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There's an old African proverb that says, "When two elephants fight, it's the grass that suffers."
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Let me ask you a question. Has your desire to be central in someone's life every caused you to be harsh toward someone else?
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After getting married one big mistake that stepmoms make is eliminating girlfriends.
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What if I told you that couples in blended families have a particular vulnerability that couples in first marriages don't have. Would you want to know what it is?
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Ron, I'm jealous of a 10-year-old and I resent her like crazy.
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When a 20-year-old stepson said it from the stage there was a gasp from the audience. "It's kind of a gain for you but it's a loss for the kids."
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Did you know that most children of divorce—are citizens of two countries?
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Hey kids, I've got a question for you. Was Jesus a stepchild?
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Okay, listen up. I really want you to hear this. Grace connects, but possessiveness divides.
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The song "Respect" may have been made famous by Aretha Franklin, but the lyrics were written by a man!
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You know, Ron, they tried to tell me to slow down. But I just didn't listen.
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A flip-flop is not always something you wear on your feet. Sometimes, it's what comes out of your mouth.
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Alright guys, what are the three little words every woman wants to hear?
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Have you ever gotten tired of waiting on God? I know I have.
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The gospel is the same. Families are not.
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To know or "to take."
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Come on; show us what you have.
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I think jealousy is common.
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When daddy's get along, things go better for kids.
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Your kids and mine…are precious little sinners.
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Have you ever been left out of the family portrait?
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When parenting, learn to sing in unison.
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When you establish family traditions, you put down deep roots.
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To be welcomed is such a blessing.
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Do children keep a marriage together?
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For the most part, long-term marriage really pays off.
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For the most part, love has a sweet aroma but not always.
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Yeah, that's right. 20 first dates!
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Can you imagine being married to a robot?
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Sometimes your Valentine balloon…pops.
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You know it's good to be poor.
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Sometimes, joy is mixed with sorrow.
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Because you each love someone the other loves.
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So why do you think it was not good for man to be alone?
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Never let your parenting be held hostage.
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Online betrayal? That's not really betrayal.
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I'm wondering, should you pray for God to change your spouse?
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Hey Ron, can stepparents discipline their stepchildren?
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Can you turn to your church for help?
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When it comes to bonding with a stepchild their age matters.
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Corporations have business meetings all the time. Shouldn't families do that?
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Watch out! It's a trap!
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Different kid, different parenting.
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Have you ever been caught in a loyalty tug-of-war?
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So which comes first in your household your marriage or the kids?
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Ron, I so want my kids to love the Lord. So what do I do when their other home is not a good influence?
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She's showing her true colors, Ron, and they're not very pretty.
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What sort of term of endearment do you give a spouse who has the soul of a pterodactyl?
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Have you ever thought that one reason kids don't like their stepparent is because they like their stepparent?
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Just how far would you go to care for one of your children?
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Ron, I thought I was going crazy, but now I know I'm not alone.
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Ron, I really want to get married again someday, but before I do, I want to learn as much as I can so I don't repeat the past.
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Yes, you're part of a blended family.
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How do you save a struggling marriage?
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No, don't assume. Ask the stepmom.
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He who has authority to heal, has authority to rule.
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Now here's a resolution for you. Colossians 3 says, "Set your mind on things above."
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Now here is a delicate one. What do you say to your spouse when you see a haunting in progress?
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Criticism is hard to carry.
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Doing good…is always good.
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Hey, have you ever noticed that God uses family to grow us up?
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What would you do if your fiancée told you she was pregnant and it wasn't your child?
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Does your family tree have any stepfamily branches? Well, if it does you're not alone.
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Have you ever heard the phrase now that's a face only a parent could love?
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For your kid's sake, wouldn't you like to know the path to great faith?
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Here's another tip for managing step-stress at the holidays. Be flexible.
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Ideally, kids need two good parents. But what if you only have one?
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When kids live between two homes, you can't win every parenting battle, but some issues are a hill worth dying on.
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Hey, Ron, is it okay for my stepchildren to display pictures of their previous family? Yes, it is but within limits.
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Who's in your family portrait?
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The holidays are a great time of joy and celebration which is why sometimes you also have to deal with sadness.
Is there any chance you are haunted by the ghost of marriage past?
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Why would a parent put their child to death?
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Ron, we get married in a couple of months…and now my son gets angry?
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If you're a parent or stepparent, you and the highway department, have a lot in common.
If you could go back and give yourself some advice, before you married, what would you say?
I really respected Mike's honesty. He said, "I just didn't realize how hard it would be to love my stepdaughter the same as my two kids."
Okay, Ron, I'm the biological dad and I agree that I should make my wife, my kid's stepmom, a high priority in our home. But does that mean I always have to agree with her?
Have you ever started into a project and discovered that it was harder than you anticipated? Well, sometimes, relationships are just like that.
For stepfamily couples, one of the things that divides their marriage is parenting their kids.
Every couple has conflict. In fact, healthy and unhealthy couples have the same amount of conflict. But what's different is how they manage it.
Ron, my ghost says my second husband will abandon me like my first one did; I won't be enough for him; and he will always consider the mother of his children his first concern. Ghosts make us fearful that we are second. But when do you start counting? This woman thought his first wife was his first love but maybe his first love was his first romance. How often are we the first? Perhaps what's needed here is confidence, in yourself as a person of worth, and in your spouse's commitment to you.
A woman wrote to me. A counselor pointed she and her husband to this ministry and resources and it made a big difference with their blended family. “It was like a life-line,” she said. “We need to be okay asking for help from the church, so pastors would learn about our need. We don't have it all together, and I'm not willing to risk the plans God has for our family on my pride.” Good point. No, there's no shame in asking for directions. And if they only knew, your pastors would want to help.
If you're like me, the older I get the slower I get. Age affects other things, too. Like when it comes to bonding with adopted, foster, or stepchildren—their age matters. In general, the younger a child is, the faster you bond with them. Teens are seeking autonomy and independence so they're not as invested in new relationships as their parents are. Bonding can be slow going, so loosen your expectations. Recognize that age influences a child's openness so meet the child where they are.
Teenagers and young adults are trying to grow up. Like David using a sling to kill Goliath, centrifugal force is launching them into independence. But sometimes parents activate centripetal force that says, “Go to college but not far away." "Become responsible, but still need me.” Which is it? This happens in blended families when the kids are launching, but the new family is blending. Two opposing forces. The answer? For both parents and teens it's somewhere between holding on and letting go.
Did you ever notice blended family couples don't get a honeymoon? They get a few days together after the wedding but they don't get time together before kids come along. Deuteronomy 24 affirms that couples need time to bond and establish their home. But stepfamily couples don't get that. Instant family means instant responsibilities. They negotiate romance and partnership at the same time. It is what it is. Work at this. Be intentional. It's harder to solidify your marriage but you can do this.
In my experience most stepparents have a really big heart. They want to step into the physical gaps that exist in a child's life after they lose a parent. In her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, author Diane Fromme suggests this desire may be misguided. Children are more naturally drawn to their other biological kin—like a grandparent or uncle. A stepparent can provide new things, like a friendship, but there's something about extended family that is better able to “fill the gaps.”
Julie was the youngest of 10 children in a blended family. Nine of the 10 kids had been divorced and remarried. Over the years, her family experienced hurt feelings, abuse, kids getting kicked out of the home—all while she felt powerless to change it. But Julie found the Lord and a church home, and through our ministry discovered how her stepfamily can break the generational pattern of divorce. She learned that hurting families “really is an epidemic,” but your family can break the cycle.
Say, a child tells their biological parent something negative about the parent's spouse—the stepparent. Listen and acknowledge the child's feelings but avoid resolving the problem. That might inadvertently create an unhealthy alliance against your spouse and don't speak up for your spouse or that might minimize the child's feelings. Either way you're stuck in the middle and they haven't figured it out yet. Listen, validate, and then say: “Let's talk about how you two can work this out.”
Children of divorce can stay in contact with both parents. When a parent dies a child can't. In her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, author Diane Fromme points out the need to maintain an emotional connection to a parent does not end when a parent dies. The living parent and stepparent can help with this: acknowledge the deceased parent; write letters and look at pictures and talk about them. Help the child bring the deceased parent along with them and a healthy connection will endure.
We have this strange idea that if we find the right person to love, our soulmate, love will be easy because of who they are. Author and Bible teacher, John Ortberg, says in his book, Soul Keeping, that to love your soulmate means giving your will, your choices, mind, thoughts, feelings, your body, behaviors, and your habits and aligning them for the good of the other person before God. We bless their soul, he says, when we love them with ours. A soulmate is more about you than it is about them.
There are times we need to work through family conflicts. But there are other occasions when we should set them aside. Friends of mine had a special occasion celebrating the dad in the family. Now, it was a blended family so when the adult children showed up they got territorial and before you know it the occasion was ruined. One of the greatest gifts you can give a parent is peace. Get along! Set aside your insecurities for a minute and celebrate dad this weekend. And let him take a nap!
A biological parent's role changes over time. As a child matures we shift from telling young children, to teaching adolescents, to delegating or coaching young adults. A stepparent's role might shift from being a babysitter to being an aunt or uncle, to being a bonus parent. Later life stepparents likely start and finish in a friend or mentor role with their adult stepchildren. How your role changes depends on a lot and it can be confusing. Let us help with the changing roles of stepparenting.
In my book The Smart Stepdad I tell Josie's story. “On our wedding day,” she said, “We left the chapel and there were five of us in the car…instant family. For some strange reason I didn't see that coming. Silly me.” For months, Josie had anxiety and wrestled with what she called a sea of emotions. This really is a pretty common experience. Find the right answers to blended family questions. The emotions will come and go, but learning how to swim is what will keep your head above water.
You might not be one but the odds are someone in your family will be. There are three kinds: long-term stepgrandparents raised a stepchild and then became a grandparent when their stepchild had a kid. Inherited stepgrandparents inherited grandchildren when their adult son or daughter became a stepparent. And later-life stepgrandparents married a grandparent and instantly got stepgrandchildren. No matter what, it's up to all three generations to act in loving ways and build a relationship.
A stepdad said, “When I married my stepson's mother, I destroyed his dream of his parents getting back together.” Yes, because many kids of divorce do hold onto that dream it's really hard when their parent marries. And that explains why the boy wasn't welcoming to the stepdad. For a long time. The stepdad's realization helped soften his heart toward his stepson and in time they found their way to each other. Dreams do die hard. And then sometimes, new dreams begin.
We've lost the art of persuasion. We resort to loud declarations and a pushy attitude in politics, in sports and sometimes at home. Proverbs 25:15 suggests a more powerful approach. Patience can persuade a ruler, it says, and soft speech powerful enough to break a bone. No, we're not trying to hurt someone. The point is, gentleness and kindness might not be quick but the outcome is significant. For example, a pushy stepparent is easily dismissed but a tender leader might find he has a following.
A teacher gave the option of making two Christmas gifts so the kids wouldn't have to choose between mom's or dad's house. She gathered supplies for two gifts but another teacher in her grade thought that was too much trouble. Is your children's ministry like the first teacher or the second? Do you have a curriculum that makes kids feel left out when they can't be there each week? Our free tip sheet on ministering to students in stepfamilies can help your church stay kid sensitive and relevant.
Christine's 16-year-old daughter was having emotional difficulties, but Christine's boyfriend wasn't very patient. In fact, he blamed her for keeping them from getting married. Even though Christine was in love and felt their “coupleness” was a good fit I suggested there was a huge flashing yellow light in front of her. He's not mindful of your daughter. "Familyness” yellow lights should bring caution to “coupleness.” Your kids need you to slow down and make sure the light isn't turning red.
One woman said, “Take your time in dating. Don't rush things. Think about your kids before making decisions. They need to feel like they're part of the process, not just watching it. We went to counseling and included our kids. We made sure they had a voice. We got educated about stepparenting. At the very heart of it all, we relied on God. I don't know how we could have made it if we didn't have God at the center of everything we deal with on a daily basis.” That sounds like good advice to me.
That's convicting but it's true! I judge others more harshly, but give myself the benefit of the doubt. My wife is disrespectful because of how she talked to me, but my tone wasn't disrespectful because I was trying to help her. My child is disobedient when he “forgot” to take out the trash, but I was going to do it—I just forgot. Proverbs 20 says, “Using dishonest scales to cheat someone out of money—and I might add, out of a fair judgment—is wrong. It's time we check our scales.
This dynamic happens in all families, but blended families are particularly susceptible. Linda wisely said, “If there's disagreement between me and my husband, we discuss it without the kids present and come to a consensus.” This couple values their unity so they're willing to manage how they negotiate a decision. Kids are not allowed in the discussion. If the child is there, it changes everything. Finding agreement is difficult enough. Manage the process so the process doesn't manage you.
That famous line from the movie Jerry McGuire, “you complete me,” has been the predominate attitude for finding a spouse. Now, says family therapist Esther Pearl, the attitude has shifted to I'm already complete. I have my career, my life goals; come help me live out my vision for my life. Do you see what's wrong? Both are me-centric. Tell you what: Surrender your life to Jesus Christ—be made complete in Him and join Him in His vision for your life—and look for another person doing the same.
We asked our Facebook followers that question and the views of were 14x our average, and shares, comments and likes were 16x. Lynsey replied, “No, I've never heard of a church that did.” Kristen said, “Yes, we do. Including conferences, weekly classes, and mentors…it is an amazing blessing. And then Melissa said, “No, and in our first years of blending we desperately needed the support. Congregations are full of blended families. Let's fix this.” We at FamilyLife Blended agree. Let's fix this!
Yes, that's right. And her husband was 87! Well, love may come to life at any age, but that doesn't mean that it's easy. She was asking for help. Getting married had been an adjustment for everybody. We love helping people like this. Old and young. You see, we know that a successful 25 year first marriage doesn't necessarily prepare you –or your children—for new love. Each marriage, each family, must stand on its own. It's okay. We've got'cha.
You're merging two cultures: Language, traditions and parenting expectations. Like, he always made his kids clean up the toys before coming to dinner. She let her kids clean them up after. So, who's right? Which style should they adopt as they merge families? Actually, I don't know. What I can tell you is this: you better end up on the same side as a parenting team. So, talk, negotiate, and share your perspectives then choose a path you can both support. Then, you'll have the right answer.
Yep, you got it. Your life investment in them isn't protected under the law. But the answer to this dilemma is not legal, it's relational. You see, love would sacrifice financially and not worry about a “return on investment”; love would commit time and energy to their care even knowing that, should the biological parent die, you could be pushed out of the family picture; and love would lift up God's law to a child even though man's law acts like you don't exist. Cause love never fails.
Family law in the U.S. says a child can only have two parents. So, outside of legally adopting a stepchild, stepparents of 15 years have fewer rights than foster parents of a couple of weeks. And, if you want to leave your stepchildren an inheritance, you better have a will because intestacy and probate laws don't recognize them as valid recipients. What's the point? When it comes to stepfamilies and the law, don't make any assumptions.
Luis called with a lot of distress in his voice. “My wife of 12 years just died and I'm being told that my stepchildren, whom I love dearly, won't be able to live with me anymore. As far as I'm concerned, I'm their father, but I've learned I have no legal rights to them.” It's true. Family law protects the rights and responsibilities of married couples and biological and adoptive parents, but not stepparents. This is often a big surprise to blended families. Talk about it and plan for it.
In the first role-play scenario I ask a mom and dad to enter their house and discover a messy kitchen. The kids had good intentions but left a mess. Then we replay the scenario and I make only one change: a parent and a stepparent enter the house. It's amazing how different the situation plays out the second time. Instead of being united and asking the kids to clean up, the parents turn on each other. Sound familiar? Blended families, we can teach you why this happens and how to stand together.
The book of Proverbs in the Bible repeats twice—word for word—this observation. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” There are many dead-end roads. Many blended families begin because someone did what seemed right to them and it destroyed a family. And later on, they picked up the pieces and started another one but what do you do now? Stop running down your own dead-end road. Rest in God's forgiveness and start walking his path.
The good news is you don't need to know all the answers. You've searched our free online ministry map, but there isn't a group near you. Start your own group! It might be a few couples who meet in your living room or a Sunday School class at church—just get started. You're half way there just getting people together. Talk to your pastor. Use a resource that will teach the lesson for you and facilitate the conversation. Then list your group on our searchable map and watch the ministry come alive.
One function of the church is to give us friends and family to share life with. Now in any church family we tend to gravitate to those most like us. Our experience tells us that couples in blended families really benefit from sharing the road of life with other stepcouples. They get your stories and understand your frustrations. And praying and studying the Scriptures together really helps. FamilyLife Blended wants to help you start or find a group. Our free searchable map will make it easy.
Jennifer was worried about the different levels of openness her kids felt toward their stepfather of four years. She wondered if it was normal. Part of her problem was comparing her blended family to a first-family where it's normal for kids to generally feel the same about their parent. But in a stepfamily, this is normal. The kids don't have to feel the same; just let each relationship stand on its own. Yep, this is par for the stepfamily course which means you're doing okay.
One stepmom was pleasantly surprised when her two oldest stepdaughters gave her a card on Mother's Day. It read, “Everyone needs a back-up mom. You're mine!” What a huge compliment. She was beaming from ear to ear. So, why does she need a hug? Because this stepmom's other two stepchildren didn't acknowledge her at all on Mother's Day. Not a word. So which is it? Is she accepted or rejected? A part of the family or pushed aside? Ambiguity is a stepparent's middle name. That's why they need a hug.
According to Patricia Estess, the first landmine is relying too heavily on a former spouse for child support. Being dependent makes you vulnerable. The second is skimping on the new family and spending on the old. Throwing money at your kids won't erase guilt or make up for lost time. Honor all your commitments equally. And third, don't have two different financial standards. Share your resources and treat everyone the same. When it comes to monetary landmines in stepfamilies, step around them.
I don't mean “dumb” as in “stupid;” I mean dumb as in ignorant, naïve of all I would have to learn and the skills I'd need to develop, to be a good husband. I had no idea our “usness” would have a rhythm, a pace, a purpose, and a dance that would also require sacrifices I never knew I would have to give. Not knowing what we'd have to become may have been a gift from God. If we did know, we might not have signed on. But we didn't and we still don't. We only have to trust God and be teachable.
Cohabitation promises a lot, but delivers very little. Research confirms that cohabiting women are just as committed as married women. And, cohabiting men are not and they remain less committed. In other words, a cohabiting woman assumes she is in a stable, long-term relationship when really she isn't. Choosing that—it's like shooting herself in the foot. Our culture calls cohabitation a safe guard for women. It's not. Cohabitation creates vulnerability. Don't listen to the lie. Listen to God.
Crossing cultures helps you recognize that you take language, society, and relationships for granted. And other people, who have a different normal, have a hard time understanding you. The same thing applies in different types of families. If you live in a blended family find others who also live in a stepfamily. Talk about life with those in a first family and you might end up feeling abnormal. Find others who also live in Stepfamily-land and you might discover your family is pretty normal.
Being Christ-like in our daily lives leaves an indelible mark especially when our actions stand in direct contrast to others. Growing up, Mandy had a Mom and stepmom. Her mom always spoke critically of her dad. She immediately noticed a difference when her stepmom came into her life. She spoke to her dad with respect and warmth and her devotion to him made an intense impression. Today, Mandy is a loving wife because of her obedient stepmom. Does our behavior impact others? You bet it does.
Man, you want to talk about music to a stepmom's ears. That's it. Can I call you mom? Now here's the back story. The early years were difficult and hurtful but this stepmom was determined. She just kept living and loving. And now, 15 years later, at the age of 28 her stepdaughter asked, “Can I call you mom?” Are you still in “difficult and hurtful” today? Hang on. Keep going. Love isn't done yet.
No, you probably can't. But that's exactly what this stepmom said to her own husband about his son. I guess she was anxious her son would be short changed in the family will. Her exact words were, “Get rid of him.” How awful. That's exactly what Sarah said to Abraham about his son, Ishmael. And it greatly distressed Abraham. Okay, let's learn from this. Jealousy and insecurity divide, devour, and destroy family relationships. Pray to get rid of jealousy and ask God for an open, gracious heart.
As I get older I'm more aware of the patterns in my family and how deep they are in me. We say we become more like our parents as we age but maybe we become more aware we've always been like our parents. By the way, your spouse and friends have tried to tell you that but you didn't have ears to hear. Whether it's a generational family pattern or a behavior you've carried from relationship to relationship, stop focusing on and blaming others. Look in the mirror and decide, keep it or change it.
Widowed after 40 years of marriage, Jerry married a woman who had been widowed and it dawned on him. “Did we just make our adult children part of a blended family?” Yep, you did. And their spouses and the grandkids. But your adult children may not consider themselves part of a stepfamily. That's common but know that you are a generational blended family. Don't fight over this; just know it touches every relationship. The more you know about healthy stepfamily living, the stronger you become.
In a sci-fi movie, a disintegration gun makes someone disappear. If parents aren't careful, they can make their child disappear. Mark had two stepdaughters, 38 and 42 years old, who still relied on their mother for financial assistance. He hoped to retire, but his wife wouldn't let him because the girls needed money. Here's the deal: A good way to make a child dysfunctional is to over function in their space. Don't do that. Let them carry their own load or you'll pay for it and so will they.
Six years ago, our pastor told my husband to take over the discipline of my two kids since he was now the "man of the house." All we did was mess things up. Yep, you got bad advice. Your pastor had good intentions, but he didn't understand stepfamilies. If you're a helper, ministry leader, even a therapist, get informed about stepfamily living. Attend our two-day summit that equips leaders, go online, or read a book. Misguided good intentions can harm a family. Get wisdom and give good advice.
Jackie's husband corrects her 14-year old's behavior like if he forgets to bring home an assignment from school by calling it stupid. Jackie's concerned that her son will hear, “You are stupid.” I think she's right. That's likely what her son will hear, especially if her husband repeats that type of thing over and over. Hey, kids internalize criticism. So, compliment their character and avoid labeling their behavior. You didn't like it when I called you stupid; don't label them stupid.
That encouragement came from Sue, a mother who had done that on behalf of her blended family and she saw a dramatic change. Her blended family started with her daughter saying, “I hate you” to her stepdad, but now she says, “When can we get together?” Sue joked, “I think she likes her stepdad more than me now.” How long did it take? It took ten years to get to better. Until then, she prayed Psalm 105:4—“Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!”
That was Jay's comment and he's right. One quality of blended families, who do well, is stubborn persistence through those early rough years. His wife, Laurie, shared another. “I quit trying to fix my stepkids,” she said. She was too focused on getting Mom-like respect and love rather than building a strong relationship. Both Jay and Laurie adjusted their expectations and lead their family through. Now, 15 years later, they talk about how much their eight kids love each other.
Jemma's husband left her and their daughter and married a woman and was expecting a child. Jemma's pain and bitterness was overwhelming so she planned to take her daughter away from her father. But Jemma's mother told her to stop and think and respond in grace. She stayed and she's so glad she did. Today, her daughter and half-sister are very close and Jemma has a healthy co-parenting relationship with the other home that blesses both kids. Bitterness doesn't lead us toward love. Grace does.
Gail wrote expressing appreciation for our training and then she said, “Clearly, divorce is not part of God's design for marriage, but when you have divorced and are remarried, that's all the more reason to make sure you now become the spouse you need to be.” Gail doesn't want to repeat the past so she moved herself towards being the spouse she needs to be. Not what others are called to be, but specifically who and what she needs to be in her marriage, for her husband, in this blended family.
Couples often battle over who's to blame for the tension in their marriage. Ironically, both he and she want to close the gap in their relationship but pride is insidious and it drives people to conquer their spouse and blame them. At least it's not my fault we brag to ourselves. But as is the case with all sin, the momentary satisfaction is fleeting. Afterwards you realize you're all alone and the victory was self-defeating. Set aside your pride and deal with the person in the mirror.
In our book Building Love Together in Blended Families, Dr. Gary Chapman and I discuss how blended family love associations—meaning, the qualities or behaviors we associate with love—can be different on day one in a stepfamily. A stepchild may love their stepparent, but not respect their authority. A stepparent may love the children the same, but still find it awkward to hug their stepchild. When love associations collide, you get conflict. Recognize it takes time to merge definitions of love.
Finding a place that doesn't hurt Mom or Dad is tough. Dena could tell her stepdaughter felt disloyal to her mother and was paying an emotional price for liking her, so Dena gave her stepdaughter permission to let go of her. It was an act of love. My friend Laura Petherbridge says sometimes stepparents need to let go of the role they want to play and embrace the role they can play. Being used by God in strategic ways to bless a child—even if it doesn't fulfill your dream—is a noble ministry.
Today we acknowledge the death of Christ. We call it Good Friday. What's good about it? In Jesus' day when Rome conquered an enemy, a herald would announce the good news. They called it a gospel. For us, the cross changed everything. The suffering of one brought mercy to many. Good Friday announced the “good news” that the battle had been won, victory was ours, and the King was restoring peace to his people. This weekend, join with your church family and celebrate the King. We have good news!
If you have minor children you need to answer that question. One dad wasn't sure what to do. His wife had died and now he was getting married. So, if he dies, should the stepmother be their guardian or those he and his first wife designated long ago? Who will the child trust and who is best positioned to lead them? In the beginning of a blended family that's likely not their stepparent but could become so in time. Don't base your decision on a dream but what's real and happening in your home.
Maria and her young adult children had many complaints about her husband. Clearly she needed to ask him to help find solutions, but I warned her not to use language like “you” and “we” or the gap between him and her kids would widen and she would be tempted to side with them. I said, “Emphasize you want to strengthen your marriage and you need his help to make things better for the family.” Don't pit people against each other; lead with your desire for closeness so you tackle problems together.
Often at a blended family wedding you watch the winds of confusion blow. Tension in stepfamily relationships makes people anxious all while putting on a smile for the bride and groom. The groom's side is not sure what to do with the bride's side and the wedding coordinator struggles with which labels to use. But if you look you can see it. The bride and groom and the vows that tie them together, become an anchor in the storm. Anchored to God, they in turn are an anchor for their extended family.
Someone might call a divorced family a broken family. How would you feel if I called you broken? If you mean fractured, yes, it's no longer intact. But when we say broken what's heard is, “less than” which communicates condemnation and unworthiness. Are we implying divorced people and their kids can't be whole? We don't call widowed families broken. Let's use less pejorative terms like “divorced family” or “single parent family” and reserve the term broken for ourselves as we kneel at the cross.
It's a trick question really. Answer: He waited as long as it took. I give stepparents who are trying to connect with a child who has their back turned towards them a similar answer. Oh, it's frustrating, all right. One stepdad told me about his 12 year-old stepdaughter: “I tried and tried, but she never warmed up to me—so I just gave up.” I asked him, how long he waited. "Three months," he said. Ah, dude. You were on the right track, but the answer is as long as it takes. As long as it takes.
Proverbs 24 says, “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established.” I do this to share wisdom with you for building a stepfamily home. I know you can't hear them all so we put them online. Proverbs continues, "By knowledge the rooms of your home will be filled with pleasant riches." When you apply stepfamily wisdom, the dining room and living room are full of good food, laughter, and warmth and the master bedroom is filled with…well, let your imagination finish that one.
Jennifer and her stepfather started on opposite sides of the ravine. She told me, “It took years to appreciate what my stepfather did for me starting at age 13.” Now she was a 28-year-old mother herself and she said, “He provided for us and loved me even when I couldn't let myself love him. I don't know why. But eventually I let him in and now we have an awesome relationship.” Adoptive parents and stepparents can be God's provision for a child. When love builds a bridge cross it.
Jaylen's teenage stepson cussed out and intimidated his own mother. Now Jaylen really wanted to unload on him, but he decided to take a different approach. With great compassion and a calm tone, he asked the young man what prompted him to be disrespectful. He led with genuine love. That got the young man to reflect on himself. His attitude softened and he apologized. Then, and only then, did Jaylen look that young man in the eyes and sternly tell him to never cross that line again.
Many of us have a wilderness to cross at some point in our lives. Like Moses and the Israelites headed for the Promised Land, often it takes longer to get there than we'd like. Stepfamilies have to step through their wilderness, too. They'll reach a Promised Land when they've had time to create a family identity and smooth out the bumps in relationships. Because that journey can be long, it's important to keep trusting God to provide direction and to stay determined to not look back at Egypt.
Fathers are very influential. They teach respect for rules, independent thinking, and their love fosters self confidence in kids. A stepfather can have this same influence but they will never get the chance if early on they're demanding or inconsiderate because the child will pull away and stay away. What can you do? Earn the right to lead a child by being trustworthy and treat their mother with respect and kindness. Represent God's love and become a powerful influence in their life.
Eighteen-year-old Rachel's mother and brother were telling her how hard it was to get along with her lately. Her mom had started dating a guy and it made her miss her father who had died. But instead of being sad and sharing her grief with her family, she got grumpy and cranky. When your heart hurts the best way to deal with it is to actually be sad. Being grouchy just creates more problems. So, talk with someone you trust about your sadness. Give your heart a chance to find comfort.
When pain pushes you toward a new relationship or when loneliness pulls you towards one, in my experience, you're in trouble. Neither of those emotions helps you be objective about the quality of a new relationship…or its impact on children. Trust in God as your provider and partner. Take time to heal. When you can be content you'll be in a much better place to make good choices about new love.
That's really good advice in a lot of situations, but especially helpful when it comes to difficult people. In Romans 12 the Bible says, “as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” One thing that helps us live in peace is being empathetic. Seeing life from their perspective. Sometimes that recalibrates your perspective of them and yourself. Walking a mile in their shoes won't fix every dilemma but it reminds your heart to be patience and that's a mercy we all benefit from.
When you throw all the possible scenarios into the computer, there are 67 possible stepfamily combinations. But, despite all the varieties there are some core needs that are common to all stepfamilies. And while there didn't used to be now there are resources that teach about those core needs. FamilyLife Blended is helping churches all around the country bring these educational resources to communities like yours. The result: you get answers for your family variety.
We can't control what another kid says to them, what they are exposed to on the internet, an illness they might pick up, or how someone drives when giving them a ride. Stepparents also have things they can't control. What a parent in the other home says about them. How quickly a stepchild will open their heart. And never being their spouse's first love. So, stepparent what do you do? Well, what all parents do. Pray and cast your anxieties on the One who can be trusted with what we can't control.
Throughout Scripture, God makes it clear he opposes those who think highly of themselves. Let me encourage you to remain humble before the Lord for you will be lifted up and granted mercy. But don't stop there. Be humble about who you are with others. Instead of looking out for yourself look out for them. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit says Philippians 2. But in humility count others more significant than yourselves. If everyone in your family lived that way...That would be great!
A consumer magazine offered this financial advice. “Consider separate accounts for your expenses that are all your own.” They were talking to blended family couples and encouraging separate bank accounts. But that creates a trust issue doesn't it? One man said, “I thought the point of marriage was oneness. How can couples become one if they keep their money separate?” Stepfamily finances are tricky. Consider all the factors, consult with a financial planner, and make a decision together.
Sometimes co-parents are tempted to dampen a child's relationship with the other parent. Listen, it is every parent's responsibility to encourage their child to keep in contact. Not just visit, but have a strong relationship. Alienators will take advantage and say, “They don't want to go to their mom's house, so I don't make them.” No. That's not right. We don't let a child's hesitation keep them from things. So, unless there is abuse, encourage the relationship and celebrate the other parent.
In any home the marriage relationship is by far the most important earthly relationship. Yet, in blended families, it's often the most vulnerable. So, one key step for stepfamilies is to two-step, your marriage, that is. Making the new marriage a relational priority is critical to family success. So, the marital two-step is about building strength and harmony and letting everyone know the marriage is unbreakable and that the couple is going to lead this home together.
Imagine his surprise. He thought he was her fifth husband, but two years into their marriage, he found out he was her ninth. She lied because she was afraid he wouldn't marry her if he knew. The issue is trustworthiness. Lying about your past creates an artificial foundation for your relationship that will feel fragile, not stable. Being honest may cost you something. Sometimes it's difficult but better in the long-run to have a relationship built on truth than on quick sand. What good is that?
“Why won't my son ask his stepfather for help with his math?” one mom asked me. This mom wanted her son to feel comfortable with Tim, so she kept pressuring them to get along. But pressure often backfires. One key step for stepfamilies is to step down your expectations. No, you don't give up. Just realize that family integration takes years and pressure doesn't help. Accept and appreciate relationships as they are today makes for a more relaxed home which, ironically, helps people become family.
We're talking about virtues to put on; one of them is forgiveness. What do you have to take off to put forgiveness on? For starters, the idea that forgiveness is condoning or excusing an offense; it's not. It's not forgetting the offense either. To forgive you also have to take off the idea that justice will be lost or you'll be weak. No, forgiveness empowers. The person still might have a debt to pay to society but you are releasing their debt to you. Just as God, in Christ, has forgiven yours.
This one might sound off track at first, but stay with me. Don't care too much about winning your kid's approval. Chasing their approval makes you hesitate when you need to set a boundary or be firm. So not caring puts you in a position of strength. This is why stepparents who chase their child's acceptance are at a disadvantage. It's also why they need the biological parent to be the heavy at first so they can focus on bonding. It's a disadvantage but teamwork will get you through it.
Can you imagine a pastor saying that to you? Where did we get the idea that you have to be perfect before you can come to Christ? Isn't that what he does for us? One of the key steps for stepfamilies is step up to discover a God who loves and forgives those in blended families just like he loves and forgives those in first families. Here's the deal, some stepfamilies are the result of sinful choices; others are not. But either way, Christ welcomes you to his body and promises to wash you clean.
Life is tough but life without God is even tougher. The Bible, in Proverbs 22:5, says that crooked people have thorns and snares in their way; but “whoever guards his soul” it says, “will keep far from them.” Putting up guardrails based on God's guidance encourages morality and ethical living and helps families move down the road despite challenges. So, parents, teach virtuous living and model it. You can try to put the pieces of your family together without God but I wouldn't recommend it.
Sarah had come to realize that parenting dramatically affects a stepfamily marriage. One key for stepfamilies is to step in line. A line dance is when many people stand beside each other and do the same steps. In blended families, all the adults, sometimes across many homes, need to coordinate their parenting in order to bring harmony to the parenting process. This helps kids but it also helps couples have a stronger marriage. Cooperation isn't easy but everything gets better when it happens.
Many people fall prey to their own passions, desires, and emotions. But getting a hold of yourself is about taking command of your tongue, your selfish desires, and your fears. So, whether you're a parent who doesn't follow through on discipline because you feel guilty about something, an employee who cuts corners because everyone else does, or a teenager who back-talks a stepparent when you're really frustrated with your mom or dad—you're not exercising self-control. Ask God to help you.
Parents who disagree on how to parent find that their kids are the ones who fall through the cracks or get caught in the crossfire. This is really true in blended families because you're divided on day one as a family and you stay stuck that way. One thing that can unify you is good parenting. Read a book together or join a small group—there's lots of parent training available. You have no excuse. Stop arguing. Getting on the same parenting page will bridge your gaps and strengthen your home.
My wife taught me a great lesson once. She wanted to keep her job despite being caught in a difficult administrative situation. Before leaving the organization, she could have shared some “famous last words” but she didn't. Then things changed and because the administrators witnessed her integrity, they invited her to stay. Apply this in your work life. Or with a spouse or even an ex-spouse. When you have choice words hold your tongue. Who knows what can be mended or how God can be glorified.
Proverbs 29 says: “If a ruler listens to falsehood, all his officials will be wicked.” The principle is what influences the leader trickles down to those he leads. That's true of parents, too. Perhaps that's why Proverbs 23 says, “Apply your heart to instruction and your ear to words of knowledge. Do not withhold discipline from a child…” The order is important. First, apply your heart to instruction and knowledge, then, THEN, teach your children. What influences you trickles down to your kids.
I was 10 and I just had to tell my parent's friend, Mrs. Roush something. She held up her hand like a traffic cop, shook her head “no,” and kept talking to her friend until she finished, then I could talk. Now, all kids need to learn not to interrupt adults because it teaches a child respect. They shouldn't interrupt parents either because whoever gets to interrupt gets to be in charge. So, in stepfamilies a biological parent can support a stepparent just by not allowing kids to interrupt.
Mark held all the cards and still he believed his second wife should trust him. He made her sign a prenuptial agreement and then he managed their finances and determined her monthly allowance. Then seven years into their marriage, he set up a trust to provide for his kids but forced her to sign it without letting her read it first. This is not how you foster trust in a relationship. Treat each other like equal partners, shower one another with kindness and sacrifice. That is how you do it.
So, I was getting some maintenance done on the car my son drives. When I asked him to come and pick me up I got attitude. Apparently I disrupted his Saturday morning sleep. Well I got up at 6:15 in order to get the car fixed and I never got a thank you for the money I spent. Then I thought: I wonder if God has the same problem with me? I have a good job that puts food on the table for my family and yet sometimes I still complain. Ouch. Yes, all children need to learn gratitude and to be content.
Proverbs 29 says when a fool and a wise person have a dispute; the fool will rant and give full vent to their anger. Now this happens in countless situations, but I see it a lot between ex-spouses who are assigned the responsibility to co-parent their children. This means godly parents are at times subjected to outrageous behavior and if that's you, I'm sorry. Just remember this, everyone, especially children, knows exactly who the fool is and who is not. So let integrity be your guide.
Self-esteem is a good thing but God-esteem is even better. In the Bible, 2 Corinthians 5-6 says that in Christ we are the righteousness of God, that God is our father and we are his sons and daughters. Ephesians 2 says we are alive in Christ; a dwelling place for the Holy Spirit. So, who are you? You are loved and forgiven, a child of the King. Worthy of respect and love. A gift, ready and able to give yourself in the service of others. Now that's the truth. Why don't we start living it?
At college orientation, they told us parents to stop doing our kid's laundry. We haven't done Brennan's laundry since sixth grade, but apparently, lots of parents do it for their eighteen year olds. So why would you do for your kids what they can do for themselves? The answer I bet has more to do with you than them. Here's the thing, eventually your need becomes theirs when they are incompetent to do life and dependent on other people. Hey, quit doing their laundry!
Sibling jealousy happens when an only child is dethroned by the new baby who gets all the attention. But it can also happen when adopted or foster kids are added to the home; or when stepsiblings come for a weekend visit. Because the fear of being displaced is usually at the heart of these situations, the prescription is essentially the same. Move emotionally toward the jealous child. Spend time with them, invite them to play a helpful role with the new sibling, and then foster a sense of team.
Our boys were young and my wife was giving me parenting feedback. She said, “Ron, you're a great dad. I love it when you discipline our kids but you should see your face. You're intimidating and they feel rejected.” Well, that was hard to hear. But I took it to heart, and added the fruit of gentleness to my discipline. Turns out smiling when saying “no” was far more powerful. But to get there I had to take off harshness and put on gentleness. It's your turn. Add gentleness to who you are today.
A family of five has about 20 relationships to manage but what about a stepfamily of five? Well, add the ex-spouses, their new partners and their children and a stepfamily of five has 210 relationships to manage. Then there is the confused identity multiplier. The stepdad has one idea of his role, his wife has a second, his stepchildren, biological child and his wife's ex-husband have others. That calculates to 420 relationships. No wonder stepfamilies are tired. Don't worry we've got your back.
The Bible, in Ephesians 4, calls Christians to take off the old self and put on the new. A new righteous and holy self? How do I do that? Well, be renewed in the spirit of your minds, Paul says. Make a list of attitudes and behaviors you need to take off. Then review the fruit of the Spirt in Galatians 5:22. The goal is to renew your mind. Take off the old and put on the fruit. Get started today and build your list of attitudes to take off.
The honorable “first chair” distinction is important for musicians. In a stepfamily on day one biological parents are first chair. The strength of their relationship and longevity with the child allows them to lead and play the solo moments when necessary. The stepparent on day one is second chair. Now, both are playing from the same sheet of parenting music and together their section sounds fuller and blends well when playing in harmony especially when they follow the conductor.
There may be many people wondering that this Valentine’s Day since this is a day to celebrate love and romance but what if there is strife in your extended family? Or maybe your blended family isn’t very blended. You two are doing great but you may have concerns for the kids. How do you enjoy a day like Valentines? Well, you may have to compartmentalize. No, not everything is hunky-dory, but thank God for your spouse and celebrate what is going well in your marriage. It’s okay to do that.
I love in marriage counseling when I can help one person who feels unloved to realize their partner really does care. Sometimes the person who feels unwanted can't see it because of their confirmation bias, that’s their tendency to only see things that support their belief that they are not loved. We all have bias in relationships. Once we form a perception about someone we interpret their behavior in a way that supports our perception. We freeze frame them. Well, now I’m part of the problem.
Have you noticed that loving God and being loved by God helps us to love others and vice versa. So, when I rest in my love relationship with God, I won’t idolize someone else’s love for me because I’m already loved. Conflict stings a little less. Apologies come more quickly. Forgiveness is easier to grant. And self-respect shows itself in both sacrifice and sometimes saying, “No.” In stepfamilies, resting in God’s love provides stability and gives you a sense of worth even when rejected.
Why not? Well, because in the Bible Proverbs 22 says, ”Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.” This verse reminds me of the parent educator who said we spend the first 18 months of our child’s life meeting their every desire, and then spend the next 18 years trying to get that expectation out of them. But that’s the good news of this verse—moral teaching drives foolishness away. Be encouraged parents and stepparents and just stay after it.
You know what a wedding is, right? It’s the day a man and a woman draw a line in the sand and step over it together. I’ve heard some people argue that living with someone is essentially the same thing. Then I say, “Oh, so it won’t matter is you go ahead and get married then.” To which they start backpedaling pretty fast. People intuitively know that marriage is different. Paper may not make a difference, but commitment does. Do you want permanence? Choose permanence.
Some of you have already benefitted from my article on family meetings. This testimony from a stepdad explains why they can be so much more than just a meeting. “We started family meetings by necessity,” he told me. “We kept running into walls with the kids so we decided to get together and talk about it. At first the meetings were all problem centered. But then we realized we could get proactive. Now, looking back it did more than solve problems. We figured out how to be a family.”
To have healthy relationships it really takes love and trust. One without the other doesn’t make for a solid relationship. Now, especially for adopted children, foster children, and stepchildren trust opens the door to love. Build trust by being emotionally and physically safe to be around; by showing them that you are committed and you’ll never leave them; and by loving them on their worst day. And be trustworthy. Be a person they can trust and you’ll be a person they can love.
John's mom has been married for two years and he told me, "I'm afraid of getting close to anyone in my family. With all we’ve lived through, I keep waiting for bad things to happen all over again.”"His 14-year-old brother, Randy said, “I want to get close to my stepdad but not too close.” I totally understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. But fear just paralyzes you and makes it hard to laugh and love. Don’t deny your fear. Face it. Talk to God about it. And overcome it with love.
Kids, have you ever felt happy and sad about your family, at the same time? Or maybe you like your stepparent but want to push away in the same moment. It's confusing. There are good things and a few things you'd like to change, too. Here are some tips. To deal with those confusing emotions give yourself permission to feel them. Then make the choice to live with the situation. This doesn't mean you’re thrilled about everything. It means you are finding a way to cope. With God's help, you can.
Tracy knows in her head she didn’t cause her parents’ divorce, but in her heart believes she had something to do with it. She feels guilty. Juan's dad invites him over on his mom’s weekend. He finds himself stuck in a tug-of-war. He struggles with guilt and acts like he’s not enjoying himself so the other parent will not feel left out. Tracy and Juan, you're just a kid. Taking care of your parents is not your responsibility. Please let go of that burden of guilt.
Kids, I want to acknowledge some tough things you may be dealing with. Things like; loss and sadness, not having your parents together, maybe one has died, having to move between homes, being anxious about whether your parents will argue again, forgetting your math book at the other house, and having a stepparent you didn't ask for. Here's what I want you to know: God cares. He hasn't forgotten you. And like the people in the Bible who experienced great loss, he will see you through. Trust him.
I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard this. Our research finds that before a wedding couple satisfaction is mostly tied to, as you would expect the couple. Couple satisfaction is a function of the couple's relationship. But, after the wedding, couple satisfaction is equally tied to the stepfamily stuff going on around them. Stepfamily couple satisfaction is a function of the couple's relationship AND the stepfamily dynamic. That's where they get blind-sided. Hey, we can help with that.
Knowing family history tells us who we are and what we're made of. Here's the blended-family trap: Sometimes, the adults are so focused on the new family they inadvertently step on the children's past. Like when a stepparent demands a child call them Mom or Dad, it feels like they're erasing the family tree. Or when a family tradition is pushed aside by new stepfamily members, it squashes something in a child. To be a bridge to the future, your stepfamily needs to honor the past, not erase it.
Yes, the top issues couples argue about are money, sex, and parenting. But the reason they can't resolve those arguments is because of how they argue, their values about money, selfishness, and stubbornness. So, what's the solution? First, make sure your core values line up with God's values. That will unify you. Then, and only then, can you tackle the logistics of financial management. For stepcouples, it can get complicated really fast. So getting specific guidance can be well worth it.
I get a lot of responses to my resources for stepfamilies. One fairly predictable comment from dating couples is, Ron, are you trying to scare us out of getting married? No, I'm not. But I am trying to prepare you for life. Let me explain this from the other side. A lot of married stepfamily couples say, Ron, where were you 10 years ago? We could have avoided a lot of problems had we known this stuff. If you are a single parent or dating one, I don't want you to say that to me in 10 years.
Everyone knows love is blind, especially when we're falling in love. Over dinner I witnessed a mature blended family couple share their thoughts about the rose-colored glasses with a younger dating couple. Don't rush into marriage, they said. And make sure you're ready to marry the entire package that comes along with the person you've fallen in love with or don't marry at all. The entire package for stepcouples includes children and ex-spouses and everything that comes with a stepfamily.
It's the life energy that comes from being loved by grandparents. Grandparents teach great life lessons. They give us a safe place to belong and offer unconditional hugs. Grandparents are important. And, they are important to blended families, too. They reach out to new family members and help them belong. Grandparents have an underestimated ability to create connections. To foster a safe place for children and offer love and infuse the family with energy. Hey Grandparents, we need you.
Talking about prior family pictures in a stepfamily brings out people's passions. Biological parents want to preserve pictures for future generations. Kids need pictures and videos of family members who live in other homes. Stepparents want to know if there are appropriate boundaries for where photos are displayed. Think public and private. Kids should be free to display important pictures in their private space like their bedroom and mobile devices but not over the mantle in the living room.
Stepparents ask your stepkids to tell you about their prior family. Pictures and videos from the past represent how life was and usually capture the best of times. It is a foolish stepparent who tries to erase that history; that implies the kids are a mistake. A wise stepparent asks the kids to tell the stories behind the pictures. Honoring their family story celebrates their worth and their value. Look at it from their perspective. When you embrace their past, you embrace them.
I cringe when I hear of a stepparent who asks their spouse to get rid of family photos. Or who redecorates the house soon after moving in. The message is, Your past is gone and I don't want you to have any attachment to it. Well, that out with the old, in with the new approach is pretty offensive, especially to stepkids. And if you were insecure about the place in their lives before, you really should be now. Listen, better to embrace their past than try to erase it. Step in with grace.
The masters of relationships know how to hear what's not being said. What lies beneath, if you will, unlike emotions and they respond to that instead of the words on the surface. So with a co-worker who is griping about a manager you can say, it sounds like you're discouraged. Or with a child who is mad because you won't buy the shoes they want, ask what they are concerned about. Maybe they don't want to be made fun of at school. Raise your relational IQ. Start listening to what lies beneath.
Recently, as my wife was expressing her opinion about a parenting matter I thought I knew where she was headed so I jumped in. Except I was wrong which frustrated her and side-tracked the conversation. Hey, we all do it. We make assumptions that short- circuit the communication. So what do we do? First, be humble enough to admit that you can't read minds or hearts. Then, be quick to listen and slow to speak just as James 1:19 says. Listen openly and check your assumptions at the door.
Biological parents in stepfamilies walk a delicate line as they back up the stepparent, and at times, speak up for their kids. How do they do that? Don't step into the middle of every conflict. They need to figure this out on their own. But when you do have something to say to your spouse, start with this, Because I support you, I want to share my thoughts about what is happening. Moving toward your spouse is the first step toward helping your spouse and children move toward each other.
Have you ever heard the statistic that only 7% of communication is words and the rest is non-verbal? How we say something really matters. You have a video recording feature on your smartphone, right? Well, the next time you're upset with anyone record yourself. Most of us underestimate what our tone of voice and body language really communicate. We know what we said, but we don't realize what the real message was. It'll take courage to play back the video selfie but it might mature how you love.
In families, coalitions can be helpful or destructive depending on who's involved. A healthy coalition between Mom and Dad creates a strong parenting system that supports the children as they grow. But an unhealthy coalition between a parent and child against the other parent sabotages the authority of both parents and teaches children to manipulate. When this happens in stepfamilies it nearly always creates conflict and sabotages the marriage.
The phrase Spare the rod, spoil the child, isn't found in the Bible, but Proverbs does talk about the rod of punishment. Scripture uses it as a figure of speech for discipline and it's an act of love. Proverbs 13:24 says, If you do not punish your children, you don't love them, but if you love your children, you will correct them. The resolve to correct our children in a way that moves their heart toward godliness is an act of love. Learning how to do that is a part of being a good parent.
Plan a crockpot meal and then gather your family in the kitchen. Have each person add one ingredient to the crockpot while you talk about how stepfamilies come together. Each of us, you might say, is part of this dish. We may enter the pot uncooked, but over time, love warms our hearts and we come together. A crockpot meal takes many hours to cook and our family may take a long time to mix, but eventually, we're going to taste really good." Have fun making the meal and have fun eating dinner.
As a dad I wonder what it's like to be my kids at this season of their lives. It helps me know what they need. What's it like to have their friends? Go to their school? Or live in my home? Parents in stepfamilies ask other questions too. What's it like to go between homes with different rules and expectations? Or grieve a deceased parent or a family fractured by divorce? Or receive criticism from a stepparent? And what's it like to talk to God about this? Take time to walk a mile in their shoes.
This stepmom frequently felt like an outsider but her husband couldn't understand. Then she realized he can't experience the family the way she did. He was an insider while she was the only outsider. Is this you? Don't blame each other. That just pushes you apart. Listen to the other person's perspective and be willing to be influenced by it. In this case, the husband could listen to his daughters through his wife's ears. And the stepmom can stop expecting him to feel her every frustration.
In a nuclear family all have the same family story but stepfamilies are made up of people with different family stories, DNA, and traditions. A different culture. Merging those cultures can be difficult but you can do it. Talk about holiday traditions and the meaning behind them. What it's like to be the oldest child in one home and a middle child in another. And how past hurts have changed who you are. To cross the gaps in your family stories, you've got to build bridges of communication.
Did you know nearly 40% of families in the U.S. have a stepgrandparent? It may be common but the role is sometimes hazy. Imagine a child who already has a close relationship with their grandparents. Do you step in? If so how? Gauge a child's openness to you. Whether they live near or far use technology and social media to get into their world. If your relationship with one of their parents is strained, focus on the grandchild. Bonding with them might become the gateway to reconciling the family.
Proverbs 13 says, "To grow wisdom you have to hang out with wise, godly people. But the friends of fools will suffer. We parents we get this. We want our children to hang out with good friends because we know their influence will rub off on our kids. So why do so many of us parents hang out with foolish people or take advice from and follow those who don't claim Christ as Lord? Why don't we pursue being wise? Why not let today be the day you start.
By his own admission, Steve was demanding as a parent. He had to be after his wife died leaving him with three teenagers to raise. Years later, when he married and became a stepdad, his authoritarian style was well set. But what worked as a parent backfired as a stepparent. I suggested he put a smile with his no. I explained we get more influential as parents when we are gentle, yet firm. When we're calm while we set boundaries or handle discipline. Grace and truth is a powerful combination.
Many people struggle financially, in part because they are in debt and living paycheck to paycheck while buying cars and devices they can't afford. Well, in Proverbs 27 Solomon encourages us to adopt a wise financial strategy. Know the condition of your flocks, he begins. Give attention to managing what you have, for riches he continued, do not last forever. Don't waste what you have. Set some aside for a rainy day so when conditions deteriorate, you and your family will not be in need.
We asked our social media readers in what way they underestimated how living in a stepfamily would be hard on their marriage. Nicole said, I didn't know how hard it would be to deal with another household. Stepmom Brittany and her husband have struggled to unite their parenting styles. And the eight kids in Kari's home are all grieving a deceased parent. What's the point? As Christina said, Rely on Jesus to sustain you. And, then she thanked us for helping her anticipate the challenges.
One of the slippery slopes in life is focusing on the imperfections of others because we lose track of our own. We get critical and judgmental and prideful. What we need to do is remember. Who can say, declares Proverbs 20:9, that I have made my heart pure; I am clean from sin. Answer: Nobody! Your heart and mine need to frequently recall our quirks, our mess ups, and all that we've been forgiven so we can find humility and be softer and more compassionate with others.
In the Bible Proverbs 27:19 says, the heart of man reflects the man. It's the heart of a person their mind, their passions, what they value in life that makes it clear what someone is really about. Our world judges on the outside but God looks on the heart and so should we. Especially our own heart. We have this uncanny ability to fool ourselves and get so wrapped up in doing we forget to ask what that reveals about our passions and values. So let's ask, What does my heart reflect about me?
Joseph married a woman of questionable reputation, lost his reputation in the process, and became a stepfather. He had to move to an unfamiliar place sacrificing his career then drift off the pages of history. It cost him everything to faithfully love and care for Jesus. Then Jesus grew up and taught that following him costs everything. "Deny yourself and take up your cross," he said. Joseph could relate. The cost for him was great and it will be for us, but in losing ourselves we find life.
If you believe the old adage, the answer is love their mother because together they provide a healthy environment for their children. Is that also true for stepfathers? Well, in the beginning a stepfather is, in effect, taking the mother away from the kids at least that's the way it feels to them. But eventually, when the family has had time to bond and connect, the answer is yes. A loving marriage at first puts the kids in a jam, but eventually becomes the glue that holds the family together.
Co-parenting is increasingly common these days. When we get it right, there are a lot of benefits. It reduces loyalty conflicts in children. It decreases resentment between homes, making it emotionally safer for kids to move back and forth. It improves the psychological well-being of children. It fosters cooperative parenting, which means kids can’t play one home against the other. And it reduces stress in a couple’s relationship, strengthening their marriage. I’d say it’s well worth it.
You do that by preventing divorce in their parents. Children of divorce are less confident about the idea of marriage, often choose cohabitation over marriage, and are themselves 89% more likely to divorce when they get married. What do you do for kids who have already experienced divorce? Give them a healthy marriage model. You prevent divorce in the next generation by preventing redivorce in this generation. Healthy stepcouples lead by example which is reparative and that breaks the cycle.
Proverbs 27 says, "Whoever tends a fig tree, will eat its fruit. Apparently, faithful diligence brings reward. Now, that's a speech we want to tell our kids before they go to college. And, one we need to give ourselves when we have a prodigal child. Or are looking for a job or struggling with a bad habit. In faithfulness, keep tending to the tree's -- the relationship or situation season after season. It may not bring quick reward or bear the exact fruit you want, but reward it likely will bring.
Single parents and stepfamily parents know that their parenting is affected by how the other home parents. If they say, Yes to something you said, No to, you start rethinking your decisions. The fear of what an ex might do can paralyze you. Pray for courage to press in despite what the other home is doing. Keep your balance and practice good parenting. Trust that providing consistent boundaries and love over time will make all the difference.
We'll fly around the world to aid children suffering from war or poverty, but we'll do nothing when it's a kid across the street. Rarely will Christians speak up for someone else's child caught in ongoing battles between their homes. We don't want to get into their business but we should do something. Respectfully, but assertively ask a parent who bad-mouths the other home and puts their child in the middle as a spy to stop. If it's about a child, it's not just their business, it's ours.
A new marriage does not restore the original family, it forms a different family. It doesn't give back to your kids a missing parent; it gives them a stepparent and a parenting team that is very different than the biological family system they were born into. Don't get me wrong, a stepfamily may work well for your kids but don't decide to marry based on a myth. Blended families are not repaired first families; they are different families with their own dynamics, challenges, and rewards.
Proverbs 21 says, The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty." Good planning and hard work lead to a profit but shortcuts risk everything. This principle applies to more than just money. Think about the diligence it takes to finish school or build a career. Healthy friendships and family relationships take dedication, too. Blended families, especially, require good planning, hard work, and patience. Those that do that reap a big payoff.
Yes, but it's uncommon. Co-parents rarely coordinate their parenting styles, but when they can keep their expectations and discipline strategies in line, children benefit from the consistent boundaries and can't play one home off the other. So, parents, how do you get there? Read the same parenting book, attend the same class, and if necessary, have a parent coordinator help you get on the same page. It'll take some work, but when you find agreement, it's a huge blessing for your child.
This myth believes children raised in single-parent homes have deficits that will be erased if they are instead raised in a two-parent stepfamily home. Well, actually the research is clear: Children raised in single-parent homes do just as well as kids raised in stepfamily homes. So, when it comes to the well-being of your children, it's okay to stay single. If you meet someone who is a good fit for you and your kids, great. If you don't, great. Either way God will provide.
And I would add, someone with friends finds it easier not to be a failure. At some point, all of us need support from friends. We pray and seek God's wisdom and try to rest in his care, but even then, it's good to have someone standing beside you when life is tough. I see this with blended family couples with stressful circumstances. If they can vent to a friend or small group and find support, they can keep going and get some lift to their wings. Atta boy, Clarence!
Proverbs 20 says, If one curses his father or mother, his lamp will be put out in utter darkness. In the ancient world father and mother could mean dad or mom, grandfather or grandmother, or another caretaker like stepmother. Here's the deal. Being disrespectful toward a parent or stepparent makes the lamp of your happiness go dark. That doesn't sound good does it? How much better, for you and your family, to choose cooperation and respect. That will make your lamp of happiness shine bright.
For blended families, along with the good of holiday traditions, comes resurrected grief and reminders to new stepfamily members that they weren't first. For example, what does a second wife do with ornaments that say First Christmas or Mommy? Laura Petherbridge in her stepfamily devotional, Seeking a Silent Night suggests asking your husband and stepchildren what they want to do with them or save them until they get older. By honoring their relationship with their mom, you honor them.
Kids love when their parents attend their recitals, concerts, and sporting events but not if co-parents make it stressful. So, mind your etiquette. Sit where you feel comfortable and be respectful to the other parent. After the event, let your child hug or talk to each parent no matter who has visitation. To keep the event safe for everyone, don't discuss parenting matters otherwise it turns a recital into a business conversation. Let the moment be about celebrating your child.
Our culture tries to convince us that personal happiness is at the center of life. For example, the divorce culture says, If I'm not happy in my marriage why should I have to stay? and single parents sometimes think, If I'm in love and happy, my kids will be happy, too. But there is no guarantee your romance will improve the lives of your children; in fact, your happiness can bring great unhappiness to your kids. So pursue romance but carefully consider how it's impacting your children.
Ask yourself as you listen to Colossians 3 how to live out these words today in your own home. clothe yourselves for compassion, perhaps for a friend. Kindness, in a relationship. Gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts and be thankful.
First, no, we don't grieve well as a society. It's un-American to sit in our sorrow. And second, we think we have dealt with the past. That's one reason people marry quickly again after a divorce or being widowed only to discover that grief is waiting for them on the other side of the wedding and the kids are grieving, too. And, now are resentful of your quick turnaround marriage. Look, grief needs your full attention. Don’t act like it doesn't.
Many modern stepfamily weddings include the Blending of the Family Sands ceremony in which each adult and child pours a vase of sand into a larger vase signifying the new family. The sand symbolizes the couple's journey into love, but it's just the beginning for the kids and the entire family. The ceremony doesn't create familyness, life does. Remain dedicated to the process of merging your sand while you embrace your evolving mosaic as a family. Pour yourself in and trust God with the process.
It's not true for all but some stepfamilies tell me they feel like Moses and the Israelites leaving Egypt for the Promised Land. They left something horrible but it's taking longer to get there than they thought. Besides, they're carrying baggage and when children slow their progress, they wonder if they should have stayed in Egypt. So begins the grumbling and complaining. But I say, like the Israelites, God is leading your journey. In your weariness, trust Him, and He'll see you through.
When Proverbs 27 in the Bible says the eyes of people are never satisfied, it is warning us against being hungry for more wealth. But it's not just wealth you'll want more of. You'll want your spouse to be more like your friend's spouse. Of course, you don't know what life is really like on the inside. This could be said about your children, your job, or your clothes. Eyes that are never satisfied are blinded by envy and jealousy. Find joy in what you have and trust God for what you really need.
Well, I have. And it feels good. And what if they thanked God for you? That really feels good because they see in some eternal sense that God has brought a blessing to them through you. In the Bible Paul expressed thanksgiving to God for his spiritual family because he held them “close in his heart,� Philippians says. Maybe we should do the same. This Thanksgiving tell the people you value most how thankful to God you are for them. You need to say it and they need to hear it.
Marital researcher John Gottman found that healthy long-term couple relationships maintain a 5 to 1 ratio of positives to negatives. In other words, they make five deposits for every one withdrawal. For every act of selfishness, there is one act of kindness and sacrifice. You know, no one puts money in your financial bank but you and if you don't invest, you'll have nothing for the future. The same is true for your marriage. Besides, the dividends you get in return are well worth the investment.
We all know the unwritten rules and most of us abide by them. You don't talk about dad's bathroom habits or post pictures of mom's morning hair. But what if a child, an inside man if you will, is telling your secrets to their other home and it's hurting your relationship. Get direct. Hey, because I love you and want to trust you, I need to ask you to stop. My article, Telling Secrets, gives more details about this. But bottom line: don't be passive, speak up. Your family is worth it.
According to Proverbs 20:7, Walking with integrity blesses our children. When we walk with God we teach our children a wisdom that informs their life. But catch this. Even in a difficult situation with one of your kids like if a child is rebelling, or stress is fracturing your family, or if you're a stepparent and the child is completely closed to you, even then you can always bring the gift of righteousness to the child. Your integrity has the power to influence them for good.
A smooth transition helps kids feel safe to be themselves. They're not pawns between waring nations. "I try to have a good attitude, said Cindy, but I can't help but come unglued if my ex-husband looks at me wrong. Ah, therein lies part of the problem. Cindy makes the transition about her instead of about her children. I'm glad that Cindy is aware of her vulnerability, but she has to grow beyond it. Make the transition smoother for your children by making it about them, not you.
Millions of Americans have a half-sibling or stepsibling and like full-siblings, the ties that bind vary from close to distant. But parents and stepparents can foster stronger bonds between half and stepsiblings by helping kids come together around common interests. Time spent playing a game or cheering for one another’s extracurricular activities are a good start. But eventually, they’ll have to figure out their relationship. In the meantime, encourage them to love each other by loving them.
Close to 40% of kids in the U.S. live between separated or divorced parents and generally those parents know not to ask their child to choose between them. You would never do that, right? But, inadvertently, you might be when you talk out loud about between home disagreements, invade the other's home time with the kids with text messages, or when you make the children feel guilty for enjoying life in the other home. All of these ask kids to choose. It's not a competition. Just love your kids.
This friend of mine had come to FamilyLife for a series of meetings. He's well aware that I'm a family author, conference speaker, and a licensed marriage and family therapist with nearly three decades of experience, but still he said to me, Take care of your marriage. I really respect him for it. None of us are immune to temptation or has a resume that will allow us to get relationally lazy. Protecting our marriage and family relationships demands diligence, intentionality, and God's wisdom.
Many people claim things about themselves and make promises but few people live up to them. It's always been that way. Proverbs 20 warns us that many people profess their loyalty and kindness, but few are faithful to it. That was the norm. That's why today as people who reflect Christ to the world we should strive, in this case, to be abnormal. Don't make promises you can't keep and be honest and faithful in your business practices and dealings with friends and family. Walk your talk.
Not all blended families face the same challenges. Stepfamilies in the military face life in 3D: Frequent moves create distance between children and their parent; deployments may force stepparents to take on a full-time parenting role before they're ready; and the demands of military life create stress in the home. That's why FamilyLife Blended is pleased to work with the Military Ready Stepfamily. On this Veteran's Day: we thank you for fighting for us, and we're fighting for you.
Hovering parents, sometimes called helicopter parents, stay on top of their kids. When are you going to get your homework done? Did you take out the trash yet? You may be trying to teach responsibility but you're really telling the kids they aren't capable. That's debilitating and when it comes from a stepparent, it's even worse. It short circuits your developing relationship and makes you feel unsafe to be around. To build up a child coach them from the side, not force them from the top.
God is relational and we, as his image-bearers, also, have a deep need for connection. So, when a child can't win a parents approval, a spouse feels unimportant to their partner, or when a stepcouple feels like their family isn't coming together; anxiety and fear set in. Essentially they are asking, Am I important to you or not? and that question adds to what gets in the way of finding connection. It's much better to act out of your love for them than worry about their love for you.
Not every day is election day but on that day it's great to be able to cast my vote. To be heard is a privilege. Families are not democracies. Parents, stepparents, grandparents, whoever are the unelected leaders but they're not dictators either. Wise is the parent who helps each family member find a way to have a voice. It's not a vote, parents are still parents, but an opportunity to be heard. Listen to each other, share, discuss, and at times debate. Above all, talk to God and listen to Him.
According to Proverbs 20, overindulging in wine and strong drink turns us into fools, creates conflict, and leads us astray. But the drinker is not the only one led astray. Think about the kids in the home. We all know drugs and alcohol can affect any family, but kids from divorced or separated homes and stepfamilies are five times as likely to live with someone with a substance abuse problem. I'm not casting stones; I just want to encourage you: if this is your family, please get help.
Adoptive parents and stepparents alike have to bond with kids by developing trust, learning how to read each other, and sharing life together. And they all learn that the pain of the past can't be avoided. You can hope the past will not affect the bonding process but both families understand that avoiding pain and pretending it doesn't matter, doesn't get you anywhere, but moving through pain together does. Consider the past and build a relationship in the present are how you forge a family.
With little information we make quick judgments about the motives of politicians, celebrities, and our children. Proverbs 20 applies to all people but it certainly offers parents and stepparents wisdom. The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, it says, but a man of understanding draws them out. A wise parent probes with questions, listens, and slowly determines what motivated a child's actions. Then they respond, not just to the outward behavior but to the character they seek to shape.
Whether you're married and raising your kids together, or you have a co-parent who lives in the other home, or maybe there's a stepparent who lives with you; I'm wondering, are you a defender--speaking up for one side or the other or an interpreter who tries to translate and bridge the gap between the other two. You can play either one of these roles some of the time but don't get stuck in them all of the time. And, as much as you can, stand with your spouse. Be united.
The ease with which we forgive others is in part determined by the size of the offense and who it is, right? Many consider their ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, or ex-spouse an enemy. Jesus specifically told us to pray for our enemies, even more to love them. One great way to love them is to forgive them, just as the Lord has forgiven you. Maybe pray this, Lord, in response to your forgiving mercy, give me a grateful heart, so much so, that I am able to forgive those who have hurt me. Amen.
Well-intentioned, good-hearted parents disagree sometimes. But what do you do if one of you has already taken action? What you don't do is make critical comments in front of the kids about how the other handled it. Or even worse, reverse the decision. Instead have a parent meeting behind closed doors, and listen. Find out why they did what they did. Then share your thoughts about what might happen next time. Parenting is a live-and-learn experience. Just make sure you live and learn together.
There are many ways to handle parenting decisions and supporting one another is important. When in doubt call a parental meeting and get on the same page. It's fine to say to a child, hey, let me get back to you, and then have a quick conversation with your spouse about how you'd like to handle it. Stepparents who are unsure of their role benefit from a quick check in too. When a mom or dad takes time to check in with them, it speaks volumes to the children about respecting the stepparent.
When things change maintain your parental unity by letting the biological parent communicate the change in rule. Sometimes a stepparents authority is naturally questioned by kids. When things are changing they really need to hear from their mom or dad. Have a parent meeting to discuss what the new rule is and how you're going to communicate it and then stand side by side as the biological parent does much of the talking. It is vitally important that you maintain a united front.
Parenting was meant to be a team sport. Here is the first rule to maintaining your parental unity. Be proactive. Don't wait until problems occur to discuss your expectations, punishment, and how you'll build character in your kids. That sounds like a no-brainer, but about half of stepfamily couples are parenting on the fly never discussing their parenting strategies. You have to work hard to get on the same parenting page and it's important that you do. United you stand, but divided they fall.
Life throws us curves and when it does flexible people find a way to adapt. Cholesterol free couples get creative in handling their differences or compromise to work through a disagreement. They will change themselves in order to grow through a circumstance. But the cholesterol of rigidity and stubbornness keeps other couples stuck. They won't change or consider another point of view. Do you want a healthy blended marriage? Ask God to give you a flexible heart and be willing to adapt together.
You know everybody needs to relax. Well, healthy blended family couples make time for individual leisure activities and activities they can do together. Unhappy couples tend to just have individual interest but nothing they share. The cool thing is you get to define what's leisure to you and your spouse. It might be exercising together or reading and discussing a book or sky diving for that matter. Whatever is fun and enjoyable for you feeds your marriage.
Hi, I'm Ron, and I'm a natural conflict avoider. Yes, I know this isn't a 12-step group but if you're like me you'd rather avoid conflict than deal with it. My research clearly shows that stepfamily couples who struggle are more likely to avoid their issues which just builds resentment. But healthy couples deal with problems as they arise by taking seriously the process of solving those problems together. All couples have conflict. The question is: is it managing you or are you managing it?
Listening is one of the most important and, honestly, one of the most difficult skills of marriage. It's hard to listen beneath your spouse's words to how they feel and what the statement really means to them. All while not making assumptions or listening through a filter of what it means to you. Good listeners work really hard at understanding their spouse. Do you want a healthy blended marriage? Listening will help you love large with your whole heart, cholesterol free.
Research clearly shows that unhappy couples in blended families are moody, controlling, and stubborn. But vibrant couples are considerate of one another and sacrificial. Each lives and loves on behalf of their Usness. Healthy marriages are made in part by two people who are mindful that what they say and do and how they act each day contributes either to a healthy Usness or takes away from it. Do you want a healthy blended marriage? Love large with your whole heart, cholesterol free.
Have you ever felt clueless as a parent? I have. It's tempting to fall back on criticism, name-calling, yelling, or pleading with the child. Or to be the threatening-repeating parent who says, You better not, or else, but it's just empty threats. These strategies get the job done but long term, they defeat your child's spirit and ruin your authority as a parent--especially as a stepparent. Take time to learn about good parenting and stepparenting. The next generation is depending on you.
A stepdad I know said, My wife is so protective of her kids. She blocks me from asking them to do things and goes behind my back. When your child has been through a lot you want to protect them. But when you continually guide, guard, and direct the stepparent or defend your kids at all costs, you cause a new set of problems and ironically, hurt your kids. When you treat them as fragile you keep them fragile. If you really want to help your kids, be their parent, not their overprotector.
Sometimes the tragic journey through the death of a parent or divorce, into a single parent home, and then into a stepfamily home can push a child and their parent far apart. Later if they try to heal their relationship it actually might be the stepparent who is the most hesitant to see them reconnect. Stepparents, you have many good reasons to be cautious but reconciliation is a good thing for all involved. Just remember, Christ is in the reconciliation business and as his disciples so are we.
Arguing is an act of cooperation. A parent who can't get their child to stop arguing is a parent who is arguing with their child. Come on. Be the parent. Stop entertaining the argument by listening to it. Yes, kids need to know the reason for your rule or decision the values behind your rules are what you want to move them toward, right? But once an explanation has been given, stop standing there and empowering them to argue with you. Just turn and walk away.
Encouragement is important. Help value the couple's relationship and honor their vows. Kids: treat your parent's marriage with respect and find a place for it in your heart. Even if you're conflicted about it at times, treat them the way you would want to be treated. Church: serve stepcouples by providing practical premarital counseling and stepfamily education after the wedding. And couples: serve your own marriage and children by praying together frequently for wisdom to live up to your vows.
I doubt that it was in the physical suffering of the cross but rather in what Jesus knew was beyond it. Jesus knew there was great purpose resulting from the cross; reconciling man to God. That brought joy, a peace, and a perspective that transcended his circumstances. You may be facing some tough circumstances financial stress or a frustrating family relationship but if your heart is guided by love and righteousness, try to look past the immediate struggle for the joy that will come one day.
We parents have this misguided idea that if we talk long enough, our children will agree with us and obey us with joy and gladness in their hearts. Ah, no. Of course kids are going to ask why they can't do something and because teaching is an important part of parenting you should give them an answer once. After that, it's time to stop talking, turn, walk away, and follow through. After a few times, you're going to make a believer out of them. Stop talking. Start doing.
When she wants closeness and connection she tosses him a hint and hopes he'll figure it out. And he just hears criticism. You can blame their families of origin for that. In her family, no one ever made a direct request for closeness. That felt too vulnerable and in his family indirect communication was how you let someone know they weren't pulling their weight. Okay, I know this couple who is learning to forgive. Be patient with one another's insecurities and speak more plainly about needs.
Well, Amanda, move emotionally toward your kids while seriously dating someone. The natural tendency is to only move emotionally toward your dating partner. Move toward both. Your kid's motivation to embrace the person you're dating comes through their relationship with you. You are the gateway to that person. If your kids feel like they are losing you, why would they be motivated to accept them? Watching you date is hard enough. So move toward your kids and remind them that you're still there.
You see what I did there? I gave you a choice. And, that's a good way to train children. Beginning as early as you can give them choices and let them experience the blessing or difficulties of that choice. Would you rather clean your room or pay your sister with your allowance to do it for you? Would you rather help cook dinner or help clean up?Helping with dinner is a given, but how the child helps is up to them. Giving choices invites cooperation and trains kids to think for themselves.
The best way to shape a child's behavior is to notice them doing what you want and call attention to it. Catch them doing something right. Compliments put a smile on your face and encourage you, right? Build others up, the Bible commends in Ephesians 4:29, that it may benefit those who listen. Well, children benefit greatly when you applaud them. Stepparents, when you compliment a child you get the added benefit of strengthening your relationship with the child. Double-bonus!
Like a pair of Olympic ice-skaters, your family needs strength and stability to lean on each other but flexibility to bend, spin, or move in sequenced motion. Just like that, parents should have consistent expectations for their children, but adjust their expectations as they grow. Couples need clear values to manage spending money, but they need to flex when life demands a shift in financial priorities. Blended families need parents to be strong leaders who know when to bend and when not to.
Parenting is challenging at times. So, here's a discipline tip for parents and stepparents: Connect the dots.
Jealousy and envy are at an all-time high in our culture. Why? Because the daily “highlight reel” of social media makes everyone else’s life look perfect. So, while we’re seemingly more connected to other people’s lives, we distance ourselves in envy because our lives don’t compete. The way to truly connect between families and within your family is through transparency. Find the courage to give your family and friends a chance to love the real you; and see if they don’t return the favor.
In biological families, when a husband and wife move toward each other, they bring their children with them.