Love. Self. Umy!: Recent Episodes
Umy Chang
About Sex Knowledge. Gender Equity & Love. Self Doubt. Self Awareness. Self Trust. Self Love. Intimacy. Relationship. Mental Health. Performance Art. VoiceOver. Dance. Story. Healing.
I am Umy Chang.
關於性知識、情感教育、性別觀點、我是誰、自我成長、信任與欣賞、修養與諒解、親密關係、感情、身心狀態、行為藝術、聲音藝術、肢體舞動、生命故事、情感療癒。
我是 Umy 張亦萱。
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當不堪被壓在心底時，只要難過傷心，它們會悄悄翻攪，不自覺呼吸急促！手心冒汗！肩頸僵硬！眉頭深鎖。
現在，翻開它們吧
從心裡深處。使勁勾出身體，擺在手上把玩，然後放在眼前。
盯著最近的不堪，從這裡
看見它們
Youtube: https://youtu.be/N0Gi7IfozNc
Music by StudioAlivioGlobal from Pixabay
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When we suppress our instinct feelings in the bottom of our hearts, as long as we encounter frustrations, those hidden unbearable will quietly come out, making people more aggressive or powerless.
Find those hidden unbearable!
From the bottom of our hearts. Pull them out from our bodies with a strong hook, and place them in front of us. Keep each of them a good distance, in a row.
From now on, right from here,
See Them.
Music by StudioAlivioGlobal from Pixabay
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我是什麼樣的人，我旁邊的人就是什麼樣子。我如果變了，我旁邊的人也會跟著改變。
所以我一直提醒自己，
轉變的過程才是關鍵。
比起知道我痊癒，我更想讓自己知道：我曾經病得很重，我曾經自我懷疑，我曾經無法接受自己。
我正清楚地看到「我怎麼走出來」，看明白後，我感到相當安全，我全然信任自己。
現在、我相信自己，
這裡、我是安全的，
那我要，走出自己。
Music by beetpro from Pixabay
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I am the reflection of the people around me. Thus if I change, the people around me will change as well.
So I keep reminding myself,
The process of my change is the key.
The key to the power of self-healing.
Rather than knowing that I'm healed, I want myself to know the fact that: „I've been very sick for quite a time, I’ve been suffering from mental illness. I've doubted myself for a long time. I've been unable to embrace my feelings and behaviors.“
Once I realize this fact. I have seen it clearly. I feel secure and confident.
I am secure now. I feel confident here.
Now. Here. I fully present myself.
Music by beetpro from Pixabay
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Watch Clip: https://youtu.be/u5jSdJn7oyI
Let’s play Saman dance.
I imagined myself as a white snake shedding skins.
Day 13~15 蛻變
自我轉換期。想像力練習中：我是一條正在蛻皮的白蛇。
我的薩滿舞初體驗
引導者林雅雯老師
七色嵐 #脈輪舞蹈
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跑步時，我的腳踝像橡皮筋一樣有彈性，不再緊繃劇痛。因為腳趾頭和腳球有了力量，他們正盡責地做自己。
我也想做自己。我想站到傷痛的背後，我想聆聽所有人的難受。尤其是有關性的難受，因為性是人的本質。
我沒有被侵害過，但我遇見這樣的人，我聽過他們的故事，我看過他們講述的表情。我的想像力很豐富，所以我會有畫面。
後來我發現了一個秘密：如果這些故事被自己或他人壓抑、變更或竄改，才是無止盡傷害人的行為。
「在被侵害的那一秒，我已經死了。」
那種說法、那種掙扎，我永遠記得。
我想體認這些傷口，我想陪伴那些拉扯，
我要用成熟的方式，理解與尊重這些傷痛。
繼續跑吧！我做自己。
Music by MichaelKobrin from Pixabay
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When running, my ankles are no longer tight and painful, but flexible like rubber bands. Because my toes and the balls of my feet got strength, and they are caressing the ground equally. They are balancing each other.
I also want to balance myself. I want to relocate people’s pain. Especially pain about sexuality, because sexuality is our essence.
I have never been sexually assaulted, but I have met people who encountered sexual harm. I have heard their stories. I have seen their expressions. I can imagine the exact scenes in my mind.
After some days, I found out the secret: if these stories are muted, switched, or changed, either by themselves or by others, it will harm people, endlessly.
"I was dead already when the act happened.“ I always remember this sentence and the expression of the speaker.
I want to recognize these wounds, I want to accompany those who are struggling, and I also want to understand and respect their stories in a mature way.
Keep going! This is how I become myself.
Music by MichaelKobrin from Pixabay
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自戀的時候，我覺得「我左手寫字比較優秀，右手拍照擺姿勢比較好看。」
自信的時候，我喜歡到處欣賞別人的手寫字。可是我看著看著，不禁會想，他寫得比我的右手差！他的字體比我的所手美，慘了！我被比下去了！！
我回去一直盯著雙手練字，終於在昨天：我的手痛爆了。
我握筆握太緊了，非常緊。我擔心一鬆手我會解體，所以我不放開比。雙手互相模仿彼此的字跡，我一直比較，我愛比較，我和他人，我和過去的我比較，我和現在的我比較，我也和未來幻想的我，較勁。
我發現了這些荒謬的事情！
我還發現了一個天大的秘密：
「每當我閱讀自己時，我常常打斷自己的聲音，換手重寫這些文字，沒來得及讓它講完。
有一天，我想嘗試一點新奇的感覺，所以我停止給自己評價與意見了。我聽完所有的內容...誒我怪怪的喔！我的話裡面，好像有些潛藏的語氣，還有隱約不同的心態…哈哈哈！我很愛演耶，來，來賓請掌聲鼓勵。」
拍完手，我將雙手緊扣。喔！原來我的右手指摸起來，是這種感覺，嗯～原來我的左手掌按起來，有這種觸感。
Music by DaddysMusic from Pixabay
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Day 6&7: Hands
When I lose my self-confidence, I think, "My right hand is worse than my right hand at doing everything, that’s why I am always worse than everyone."
When I have self-confidence, I admire all people's handwriting everywhere. But then, once I looked at it cautiously, I couldn't help but think, hahaha, he writes worse than my left hand's handwriting! Oh, no~His font is more beautiful than my right hand's handwriting, I failed.
So I went back and stared at the letters from my left hand's handwriting to practice my right-hand calligraphy. Unfortunately, yesterday: I hurt my right hand.
Because I hold the pen too tightly, very tightly. I was worried that I would be a loser if I let go of the practice, so my right hand kept imitating the left hand's handwriting until the fingers become stiff.
Once my right-hand writes, I compare every detail of my right hand with my left one, from the way of holding pens, and writing letters, to touching papers. I notice my ridiculous behaviors: I am competing my right hand with my left hand.
So here is the key. The key to stopping this habit: "Whenever I listen to my inner voice, I often interrupt it and switch hands to rewrite the words without having time for the voice to complete.
But once I stopped giving judgments… After listening to all the content, there seem to be some hidden emotions and a vaguely different mindset ... Thanks for my confession, I clapped for myself softly. "
After clapping, I held my hands together. Wow, this is how my right fingers feel when touching; Um~ this is how my left palm feels like when pressing. "
I hold my hands, this is how my hands feel like.
Music by DaddysMusic from Pixabay
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我發現平常走路時，我的右腳腳球尾端，沒有碰到鞋墊。我的左腳腳球下壓的力道，比右腳來得重。有多重呢？我踩踩看：
踩踏心底深處的脆弱
女性貞節的討論，是我遇到最揪心、隱晦、也最脆弱的議題。
尤其當它與我的未來(家庭與親密關係)、人際(交友與性別感受)、世界觀(我怎麼看待「人」)交織在一起時，
我無力無法抗拒它，
只能一直看著它。
我還看到，自己想脫離時間積累的性恐懼，拉近性與我這個人的距離，重構「性與生命本質」的初心。
我是 Umy 張亦萱。
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Day 3&4: Ball of Foot
I notice that when walking, the ball of my right foot partially attaches to the ground, and the ball of my left foot pressed harder than the right one. How hard did I press it, let’s see:
Touch the ground of my heart.
The discussion of female virginity is the most embarrassing and vulnerable issue of my generation.
Especially when it is intertwined with my future (family and intimacy), interpersonal relationships (friendship and sexuality), and worldview (how do I view "people"),
I can do nothing but stare at it. I stare at the issue of female virginity.
I also see that I want to break through the sexual fears that have been accumulated for generations, come back to my own feelings towards my body, and reconstruct my understanding of “human.”
I am Umy CHANG.
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我是一個很平凡的人，平凡的很珍貴。「像跑完馬拉松的那瓶礦泉水一樣！」我好愛長跑，總是一直跑、一直跑⋯
有一天，我收到一則訊息：
「謝謝您的作品，我很感激！」
我這一回頭才發現，我已經跑這麼遠了！原來關於「性」，我想表達的意思都完成了。那就書寫更本質的事情吧，我需要狠狠地打下基礎。
開始吧！100天我與身體的和解計畫。
「我多瞭解自己？」
曾經，我感覺自己透明，我開始流浪，現在，我選擇透明如水，
因為我想成為每一個自己。
第一與第二天：腳趾頭
右腳後三趾縫已可自由撐開，
左腳趾卡住了無法自主撐開，
可能和左腳腳踝緊繃有關係。
我是 Umy 張亦萱。
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I am common, preciously common: "Like the bottle of mineral water after running a marathon!" I love long-distance running, I was always running, running for care, for love, for myself...
One day, I got a message from a passerby:
"Thank you for your artwork, it saves me!"
I was surprised at the moment, and I suddenly realized that I had come this far! It turns out that what I want to express about "sex", has been completed. I made it.
So now, finally, I can start catching insights about more essential things. The issue I am eager to talk about the most:
Sexuality.
Thus I initiated this 100 Days of Reconciliation with My Body Project, from our body parts to human living parts.
There was a period of time I felt myself transparent, so I wander to see my being. And now, I choose to be transparent like water,
Because I am a mirror.
Amaze my body for 100 days!
“How much do I love myself?”
Day 1&2: My toes, feel the ground.
The last three toes of the right foot can move separately, whereas my left foot is stuck and the toes can't stretch on their own. It may because of the tightness in my left ankle.
I am Umy CHANG.
Music by Olexy from Pixabay
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當象鼻向花苞愉快澆水，
我們彼此沉澱激情與感動，
在內心深處與自己沉著對視，
When the trunk happily waters the bud,
We enjoy the passion and aftertaste,
Smiling deeply from eyes to heart,
一顆光點，在不經意的時刻，
伴著好奇和勇敢，安然著床，
A spot of light, unknowingly,
With wonders and bravery,
Settled safely,
我，出現了。
I, appeared.
第三季，全季完。謝謝閱聽，歡迎分享！全新第四季：《性與身體感覺》籌備中。
我是 Umy 張亦萱。
The end of Season 3. Thanks for reading and listening! Welcome to share. Season 4《Sex and Body》is already in the works! Stay Tuned.
I am Umy Chang.
Music by Tomomi_Kato from Pixabay
home #family #life #sex #intercourse #genital #vagina #penis #education #emotion #anxiety #love #postcoitaldysphoria #lovesexumy #umychang
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私密處，是安放快感的地方。
Genital, embraces our ecstasies.
當我手足無措的時候，
私密處就是我的黑洞。
Whenever I leave my body,
it takes over all my nerves.
當我細緻呵護的時候，
她是甜甜圈！是花苞。
Whenever I cuddle my body,
My genital is a donut, it is blooming as a flower bud.
我的想像力瞬間超越記憶力，
彷彿置身子宮口正準備落地。
It brings me to a space beyond my memory,
As if I am in the uterus, waiting to be born.
我是從哪裏來的？從生殖口。
我是從哪裏出生的？從陰戶。
Where do I come from? From the genital.
Where was I born? From the vaginal.
那，我是從哪裡開始有了生命？
So, where did my life begin?
Music by JuliusH from Pixabay
home #family #life #sex #intercourse #genital #vagina #penis #education #emotion #anxiety #love #postcoitaldysphoria #lovesexumy #umychang
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Life flows like water. Our emotions, our bodies, our mental states, are always in this flow. We can say that it is about self-change, self-development or self-growth.
When I look back on my past actions, events, behaviors, I often have some messages popping up in my mind. So I wrote them down:
When I sense myself flowing like water, I am embracing „just the way I am“.
But most of the time, I hide my real words and over-modify selfies. I am afraid of possible self-doubts and others’ questioning. I have been unconsciously refusing to realize my feeling, right away.
Gradually, I became uncomfortable. I am tired of self-blames and self-judgments. I want to quit this habit. I want to live easily and more relaxingly with people.
Therefore, I decided to reveal my "pure feelings“ deep from heart. I present Season 3 through writing out my self-tension, speaking out my real emotions, and recording my body improvisations.
"Dear me,
Whenever you feel unease and nervous, face your own feelings first. See and accept ’how you are feeling now’, understand your emotions and let them go.“
Presenting these paragraphs above is why I started my artworks from season 1 to 3.
I heard my heart. These voices are my uniqueness. I appreciate my works.
Whenever I listen to my inner voice, my mind fly over the water like a big whale, taking on human memories and emotions. Whenever I look at my naked body, my heart rush into the sky like an eagle, challenging the next impossible.
My life is flowing calmly, like the sea.
One more episode left for Season 3,
Stay tuned
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人是流動的。我們的情感、身體、狀態，時刻都在流動。我們可以說，這是轉變、轉換或改變。
當我回顧過往的行為、情緒、事件、表現時，我心裡常常出現了一段回應。於是我把它們寫了下來：
我的流動性，是什麼呢？
是我正在感受「我所有的樣子」
但大多數的時候，我會隱藏樸質面向、反覆美圖鑿字，以避開各種好奇與揣測。我習慣撇開眼神，無法面對赤裸。
漸漸地，我不舒適了。我不想帶著自責、糾結、壓抑、評判的感受，面對我的人生。我想舒坦地活下來，更想舒服地與他人相處。
於是，我將內心深處「純感受」，經由文字書寫起伏、聲音擬真情緒、肢體即興舞動，不斷嘗試與理解自我張力，呈現出這些作品。
“親愛的我，當內心不安與緊張出現時，請優先面對自我感受。看見與接受感覺，要處理並放下，這對我自己，非常重要。”
這是整部作品，
我最想傳達的訊息。
我聽到了我的心聲。這些聲音是我的「本性」，它們是我獨特的力量和價值。
每當我傾聽內心的聲音時，我像一隻大鯨魚飛越水面，接下無數回憶與情感。每當我觀賞赤裸的身體時，我像一隻老鷹衝入天際，挑戰下一個不可能。
我的生命正在舒坦地流動。
第三季最後一集，
敬請期待～
我是 Umy 張亦萱。
謝謝您的經過，歡迎分享：）
umychang #張亦萱 #writer #podcast #genderfluid #gender #sex #emotion #relationship #voice #sexuality #love #loveselfumy
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魅力是什麼呢？
是表達自己的模樣。
我有陽剛強硬的模樣。
也有覺得好丟臉、好軟弱、好羞恥，
躲到虛擬世界，逞一時之快的時候。
我心底柔軟，所以會慚愧。
我心思細膩，所以會多想。
我心聲溫暖，所以將人、關係、和自己攪和一起，總是牽掛。
我以為的情緒把柄，
就是我的豐富質感。
我好有魅力，我喜歡！
Music by HarumachiMusic from Pixabay
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What is charm?
It means to express my light and shadow.
I show my toughness and tolerance at day.
But whenever I feel ashamed and hurt,
I cry for care and comfort at night.
I separated myself into two sides.
My strength for the bright side,
and my weakness for the dark one.
But last night, I took my light into the darkness.
I touched my soft heart, I caressed my delicate mind.
I see through my shadows.
I see through my shadows clearly, especially when it comes to relationships, intimacy, and myself. I am emotionally tough and fragile, at the same time.
Being a protector, I am the light.
Being a shelter, I am the shadow.
Sometimes I motivate ideas, I stand in the bright side.
Sometimes I present sorrows, I walk into the dark side.
Most of the time, I express stories,
This is my charm.
I welcome both sides.
Music by HarumachiMusic from Pixabay
Full Episode>> Podcast “Love. Sex. Umy!”
Mentalhealth #afraid #anxious #nervous #fragile #life #solitude #loneliness #selfrescue #selfceare #help #sex #relationship #love #intimacy #心理諮商 #害怕 #緊張 #不安 #脆弱 #生命 #孤獨 #性 #親密關係 #愛 #感情 #lovesexumy #umychang
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What is solitude for?
It’s for appreciating myself.
Right now, here, I deeply feel alone, I speak to myself.
Hey,
I feel terrible. I feel guilty. I feel gone.
Who am I? I don’t know.
I heard what I said, I saw what I expressed, I understood my messages.
I want to help myself.
Hi, me,
Thanks for being fragile.
Thanks for being honest.
Thanks for being brave.
Thanks for being,
who I always am.
Music by DaddysMusic from Pixabay
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孤獨是什麼呢？
是答應看見自己。
現在、這裡，只有我自己。我深刻感受形單影隻，我與自己說話。
哈囉，我！
以前，我是什麼樣子呢？
以後，我想成為什麼樣子呢？
我喜歡什麼樣子呢？
我說不上來。
我真的說不出來！
沒有人懂我。
我看見說話的自己了。我聽見他說的每一句話，我看到他臉上每個表情，我接受他每一種求救。
我想幫助他。
哈囉，自己！
我想對你說：
是你，舒坦了我的脆弱。
是你，書寫了我的真實。
是你，接下了我的挫折。
是你，熱愛著我的生命。
你為我，我為自己，
勇敢地活下來了。
我看見了，自己喜歡的模樣。
Music by DaddysMusic from Pixabay
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What is beauty?
Is willing to listen to myself.
Now, take a rest, have a seat, and lean on me gently...
I know you aren’t spaced out.
What’s in your mind? Tell me:
I love watching you talking.
I love listening to your heart.
I love when I am with you.
“You are different."
Those eyes support me.
The calmness guards me.
My eyes turn to myself.
"I am different."
"I’m crazily different."
My Beauty Is My Uniqueness.
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美是什麼呢？
是放手讓自己心動。
現在，放下手邊的事情，輕輕倚著我，坐下吧⋯
我知道妳沒有在發呆。
妳在忖度什麼？說說看：
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What is intimacy?
It means to accept my sorrow.
Every time when I feel sad, I am close to my emotions.
Soon after, my grief comes. I shouted, I blamed, I cried, I cursed.
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親密感是什麼呢？
是承認自己悲傷。
在悲傷的那一刻，
我和自己相當親密。
當悲傷來時，我會慍怒、厭惡、咒罵、責難直到不能自己。
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What is love?
Love is allowing myself to be happy.
When I am happy,
I capture all my feelings.
Although I may feel annoyed, depressed, and irritated from time to time, I always know that I have the ability to be happy:
From sorrow, pain, tears, to comforts, happiness is just one of my feelings.
I obtain all feelings.
I am love.
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愛是什麼呢？
是允許自己快樂。
在快樂的那一秒，
我看見自己的情感。
雖然偶爾會懊惱、低落、煩燥，但我永遠可以捕捉自己的快樂：
從悲傷、痛苦、淚水，到舒坦，快樂只是我的一種情感。
我擁有所有的情感。
我是愛。
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What does sex mean?
It means gazing at myself naked.
What is my sex? My sex connects to my nature.
My sex means that even if one day I change my appearance, my voice, my attitude, and my expression, I will still embrace my nature.
Say it more directly!
Darling, even if you change your gender, your body, your look, I still love you.
Let’s go commando!
I meet my naked self.
Let’s set it free!
Our intimacy.
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性是什麼呢？
是撫摸自己的赤裸。
那本性呢？
是哪怕有一天，當我換了長相、變了聲音、改了態度、少了表現，我依然擁抱自己的一絲不掛。
說得更赤裸一點吧！
親愛的，如果你換了性別、換了身體、換了神情，我依然愛你。
卸下了！
我與裸身的自己對視。
啟航吧！
我們的親密關係。
Photo credit: Umy C.
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An Invitation to Meta-Thinking about Sex and Intimacy
Hi everyone,
I am Umy CHANG, I am an artist.
This is my third artwork "Sex and Intimacy".
What am I going to present? I am expressing humans’ feelings after sex and intimacy, from the emptiness and solitude of asking "Who am I?" back to the peace and comfort of realizing "Who I am."
This series of my artworks will be expressed in two ways: on Facebook/Instagram and on podcasts. The visual way is the clips and the written image of my left-hand English writing and my right-hand Chinese writing. The auditory way is the preview in each clip and the full recordings in my podcast.
Each episode will be released every weekend until the end of July 2022. All posts and episodes are welcome to share.
Enjoy!
Photo credit: Umy Chang
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大家好，
我是Umy 張亦萱，我是一位藝術創作者，這是我的第三部作品「性與親密關係」。
我要呈現什麼？我要表達性與親密關係之後，從「我是誰？」的空虛孤寂，回到「我是誰。」的平靜舒坦。
這一系列的創作呈現，會以兩種方式表達：視覺與聽覺。視覺是影片、左手英文/右手中文的書寫圖像，聽覺則是短影片的前導與Podcast的全文錄音。
上線時間為2022年7月的每個週末，歡迎您的聆賞與思考。
啊！所有的作品「皆可」自由分享喔！
謝謝您。
Umy
Photo credit: Umy Chang
umychang #lovesexumy #愛 #性 #性愛 #性別 #親密關係 #自我覺察 #焦慮 #憂鬱 #心理諮商 #藝術表演 #藝術創作 #裸體 #作家 #播客 #旁白 #瑜伽 #呼吸
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我是我的觀眾。作者是他。
他不斷自述悲傷與不快的經驗，還有那些怒吼與哭泣聲，我覺得累了。我越來越看不懂他了。
我能理解，將自我的隱私暴露在眾人面前，相當難堪與羞恥，他堅持這樣做了。但我最不懂的是，我被迫去體會他的不堪、壓力與痛苦，這讓我非常不悅與難堪。有些隱密的我被勾起來了。
明明是我在讀他看他，怎麼好像我也被看了？
聆聽與閱讀的當下，我承受不住，我會開始害怕。我為什麼害怕？我想起他的害怕⋯
他因為所有和性有關的過去而害怕：他的性探索、性取向、性經驗、情慾流動。他知道哪些不對、不衛生、不健康、不成熟。於是我回想了一遍，並且在腦袋裏列了我的害怕。
我將它們按糟糕程度，給了一個排行榜。只有我知道的排行榜。
好誇張，這些的確蠻糟的。我暗自和他比較了，我懂他了。原來，他沒有看到我的難堪與隱私，他只是想告訴我，看過一次糟糕排行榜後，我會更深刻的認識我。下一秒，如果恐懼與不安又來了：身體上的病痛、情緒上的失控、精神上的孤獨，我就拿出這個排行榜，請問我「這件事有多糟糕？」隨後定位不安的名次，我害怕不了了。
我沒有想過，令我不安與羞愧的過去，可以讓現在的我，更確信我應該做什麼。我安心許多。
他說，「我」是一個中性用詞，了解了負面的我，那正面的我呢？不對。依照他逃脫框架的思維，他一定會說⋯
除了正負面的我，我，還會有哪些面向？
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I am my audience. The author is you.
You kept recounting your sad and unpleasant experiences, and your roaring and crying. I felt so tired of it. I don't understand you.
I can understand how embarrassing and shameful it was to expose privacy in public. You insisted on doing so. But what I don't understand the most is that I was forced to experience your unhappiness, stress, and pain, which made me very unhappy and embarrassed. You recalled my secret shame and guilt.
I was watching and listening to you, but why does it seem like I was being watched too?
The moment I listened and read, I started to get scared. Why was I afraid? I started to think about your fear...
You are terrified of all your sexual pasts: your sexual impulse, your sexuality, your sexual experience, your emotional blackmail. You knew what was wrong, unhygienic, unhealthy, immature. So I thought about my terrifying pasts and made a list of them in my mind.
I gave them a ranking on how negative they are. It is my private fear ranking, no one knows.
Yes, I admit, those pasts are truly bad. I secretly compared my ranking with yours. Now I understand you. You didn't know my embarrassment and privacy, you would never know. You just wanted to tell me that after analyzing my fear ranking once, I would know myself deeply in a totally different way. Then next time, if my fear and anxiety punch me again: whether it is physical pain, emotional breakdown, or mental disorder, I can take out this list and ask myself, "How bad is this issue?“ And once I rank it, I will be able to locate my uncertainty. I have no way to feel afraid.
I’ve never known that the disturbing and shameful pasts could teach and support the present me to be confident in my every step later on. I feel much more relieved.
You said that „I“ is a neutral word. After knowing the I in a negative way, we should explore in a positive way also. Well, I guess according to your habit of thinking out of the box, you would say…
Except for „I“ being positive and negative, what other aspects of „I“ do we obtain?
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I feel useless. (based on a true story)
我還是人嗎。(真實經過、真實錄音)
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那次在圖書館的性騷，如果不是我媽喝斥那個變態，我會很危險。我媽好兇。
我會在被侵犯前，或是當下，深刻感受到對方的性衝動。我發現他人的性衝動時，會覺得我很羞恥，因為我察覺他人最私密、不想讓人知道的秘密。這時候我認為我侵犯了他的隱私，因為我就是發現了！我覺得很罪惡、齷齪、羞恥，所以才會想以掩護對方與順從的方式，讓我產生的羞恥感消失。
如果對方此時侵犯我的身體，我反而認為我正在補償自己的羞恥與罪惡感，所以很容易成全他，其實是讓我好過一點。
這是我慣用的自傷手法，叫做「我以為⋯」。我以為對方很難受、不得已、在求救，我以為對方正在羞恥、罪惡、不好意思，其實這是我自己的情感。
我很難受。我很羞恥。我被摸了，還是揉捏緊抓，不是他不小心，我感到非常抱歉！不好意思。
我真的應該好好跟自己道歉。我在搞什麼？我現在發生什麼事？是哪一隻鹹豬手？是哪一個大色狼？我永遠忘不了他，那個眼神、那種睥睨、那樣裝傻，還有靠近我的味道、鼻息、指尖、握力，到今天我仍歷歷在目。
就這件事，我不會解離、我無法失憶、我沒有人格分裂，我記得所有的經過。這是我自我傷害的鐵證。這些證據提醒我：哈囉，腦袋記憶體已經滿了，再被侵犯？請我直接吼出來。「喂！你摸我胸部。就是你，黑色鴨舌帽、黃色上衣、牛仔短褲的男生。性騷擾！抓住他。」
媽，我是不是比妳還兇？
還有，母親節快樂。
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That day, if my mom hadn't shouted at that pervert in the library, I would run into the sexual harassment again. My mom was really mean.
I will feel the sexual drive of the person deeply before the sexual assault, or at the moment. I feel ashamed when I find out about their sexual impulses because I detect the most private and secret parts of them. At this point, I thought I had violated his privacy because I just found out! I feel guilty, sorry, and distressing, so I want to cover up the assault and obey them to make my shame disappear.
If someone molests my body at this time, I think I am compensating for my shame and guilt, so it is easy for me to fulfill them, which actually makes me feel better.
This is my usual self-harm technique called "I thought…“. I thought that the person who harassed me was suffering, he couldn’t help it, his behavior was an ask for my help. I thought that at the moment, he was feeling ashamed, guilty, and embarrassed. In fact, shame, guilt, embarrass are all my own emotions.
I was uncomfortable. I was embarrassed. I was touched, and I kept letting people rub and grasp my body. Why? Because I wanted to apologize right away. To whom? I didn’t know, I just felt sorry at those past moments.
I should really apologize to myself. What am I doing? what happened to me now? Who is touching me? Those guys, they are the perverts. I never forget them, their looks, their acts, their hands, and their smells, breaths, fingers, and grips close to me. I still remember it today.
In this matter, I will not dissociate, I cannot lose my memory, I don’t have multi-personalities, I remember everything. These are hard evidence of my self-harm. The evidence reminds me that if I run into a sexual assault again, please, just yell: "Hey! You touch my chest. It's you, the boy in a black cap, a yellow T-shirt, and blue jeans. It’s sexual harassment! Catch him." I am more direct and mean than my mom.
Right, mom?
Happy Mother's Day.
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❤️重要‼️聽完請趕快看以下唱歌影片，不然會太難過！
我是真的想過要去變性。我會揣想有外生殖器、有男性生理反應、有突然的性衝動。我第一次有這種思考，是在公車上被成年男子吃豆腐的時候，我被他用手肘推擠我的胸部，那時我15歲。我經常被騷擾：在公車上、在泳池裡、在圖書館、在人多的地方，擠壓揉捏我身體的那些人，而他們偏偏都是生理男。累積太多騷擾經驗後，我才發覺這是我的性別歧視。
從第一次性騷擾之後，我有了被害者補償心理，而且非常極端。我甚至經常揣想，如果一個生理男跪著求我和他發生關係，我就會幫他。應該說，我起初認為，是因為我不了解生理男「性衝動」是什麼狀況，而且我對「衝動」二字有暴力、失控、必須的想像，所以我在被侵犯的當下，絕不要刺激對方情緒，免得對方會受不了而死掉。這樣的思考，配上超敏銳的觀察、搭上天生爆棚的同理心，讓我一直覺得下面腫的生理男，好可憐！他們沒有選擇、難以控制偷瞄、下面這麼腫，這都不是他們願意的，他們會很不舒服，他們真的好慘！我要幫他，不然他們會去死。
然後我下意識掩護、合理化、盡可能扭曲我的行為。我好短視又愚蠢，只圖腦中的我好善良，只看眼前的我好有愛，我對這些稱號感到優越，我覺得正在幫助人。
我霸佔受害者的位子，讓經過我的人都變成壞蛋。我非常喜歡保護它們，就像保護可愛的嬰兒和小狗一樣。我對生理男的偏見，就是不把他們當「人」看。我將這些被我發現正在性衝動的男性視為動物。
我曾經以性別歧視我身旁的人，再以他們的作為給予特定偏見，結果這些既定印象讓我活得更麻煩。我根本自找麻煩！作為一個人，我就可以將性衝動視為成長的一環，釐清性慾來時我在想什麼？會有什麼反應？還可能有哪些行為？然後去找健康與合適的事情來抒發性慾。所以，是人就有性慾，是人就有性衝動，是人就可以合理處理性的反應。
哈囉！親愛的我，別再分男分女了！
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I’ve really thought about becoming a male. I would imagine having external genitalia, having male physiological responses, or having sudden sexual impulses. The first time I had this thought was when I was 15 years old when a man squeezed my breasts with his elbow. I had been constantly harassed since then: on the bus, in the pool, in the library, in crowded places, the people who rubbed my body or made a pass at me were all males. After accumulating too much harassment experience, I developed my gender discrimination. I had sexist concepts in all relationships.
I got a serious Stockholm syndrome. I even often think that if a guy gets on his knees and begs me to have sex with him, I'll say sure. At first, I thought it was because I didn’t know what „having the male sex drive” feels like, and I imagined the word “impulse” as violent, out of control, and shameful. So when I was harassed, I thought that the male who harassed me must be feeling guilty at the same time, thus I should never show my emotions, or he would be ashamed to death and kill himself. My thoughts on harassment, coupled with my super keen observation and misplaced empathy, have made me feel that for men, getting a boner is shameful! They have no choice, it is difficult to stop glancing at female boosts, to avoid erections. They are pitiful, they are very uncomfortable, they are really miserable! I have to help those males or they will die.
Then I subconsciously cover, rationalize, and distort my reactions as much as possible. I thought that I am kind, loving, and considerate. I felt superior to all other humans. I am helping people. I am special. But I was unhappy, and I was often spaced out reluctantly. I dissociated from my feelings again and again.
I occupy the victim's seat and turn everyone who passes by me into a perpetrator. I love to protect them so much, just like protecting cute babies and small puppies. My prejudice against males is that I don't see them as "humans". I see these males as animals.
I used to discriminate against people around me based on their genders and then gave them certain prejudices according to their actions. But these stereotypes made my life more difficult. I'm asking for trouble at all!
As a human being, I can see my sexual drive as a chance for self-development, and I can figure out what I was thinking, and what are my reactions when I have this impulse. During my period of sexual growth, I would come to realize the healthy and appropriate activities to enjoy and transcend my sexual desires. These are what a human should be able to do.
So, dear me, stop having a bias toward humans.
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[男女合拍對唱情歌]
點擊觀看完整對唱影片：https://youtu.be/Nbo1CCc0vKE
《你最珍貴》副歌、原唱：張學友＆高慧君
duet #solo #JackyCheung #張學友 #genders #identity #splitscreen #musicvideo
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[Multi-screen singing/Split screen singing]
Check out the full MV on Youtube: https://youtu.be/ht1uSj8eXJo
Refrain from The last night of the world, Miss Saigon.
duet #solo #misssaigon #genders #identity #splitscreen #musicvideo
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我談戀愛的時候，特別享受有人說我溫情柔軟，我喜歡他們私底下說：「我簡直是天使！是聖母！」
實際上真正的我，早就死了。我還好嗎？
我很不好。我正在害怕，我想要求救，我被虐待了。我被掐住脖子，不能放開我的雙手，我被緊緊綁住，不能鬆開我的手臂。
我就是恐怖情人。我自願去犧牲，意念是我的武器，她們捆住我的四肢、勒緊我的喉頭。
這是一種傷害。我在情緒勒索，使勁傷害自己。最後我就變透明了，我離開身體看到自己，我放棄感受沒有情緒，我常常不能自控地放空，我的意識不要我了，我忘記前一刻的工作，我的記憶離開我了，我到哪裡都想馬上離開，我的身分也不見了。我和我的情緒與感知分離了，我有類似解離的現象。
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When I'm in a relationship, I enjoy being told that I'm warm and tender. I like when my friends chat about me in private, "I'm an angel! It's like the Virgin Mary!"
In fact, the real me is already dead. What’s wrong?
I feel bad. I'm scared, I want to call for help, I'm being abused. I was strangled, I couldn't let go of my hands, I was tied so tightly I couldn't let go of my arms.
I am a lover of horror. My thoughts are my weapons, they bind my limbs and tighten my throat.
That’s a kind of injury. I'm emotionally blackmailing myself and hurting myself. Later on, I became so transparent, I could see myself through my body, I could transcend my feelings and become emotionless. I just got dissociated from myself.
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我怕被問「那你？妳是什麼性別？妳有過性行為嗎？妳有伴侶嗎？妳有在交往嗎？」我容易顧左右而言他，我會逃避話題，我會對發問的人記仇，因為我不確定我是怎麼看待「性的本質」。
於是我開始探索性與性別的議題，我想從框架來看透她們。如果查到專有名詞，我會努力以素人的眼光，將理論與我的生活聯想在一起。
比如說對於「性取向的連續性」，我會先從生理性別說起。生理性別，是分生理男女，主要兩種。而性取向的連續性，就是指性取向的種類是以「程度」區分，所以可以分出無限種性取向。
常見的分法，是依照喜歡的生理男女程度：對生理男欽慕是男性向，對生理女是女性向。當我把這個概念放在一條線上，男左女右，我往左走為異性戀，我往右走為同性戀。
在這條線上，每一個人的落點，可以分出「無限種」，所以每個人的性取向不盡相同。
如果我的性取向很特別，別人普遍感到陌生，那我還是正常人嗎？我知道正常不正常，取決於我的「人格」，不是我的「性向」。
那我怎麼會有這個誤解？因為我那時不懂，每個人的性向，不可能完全一樣。我不懂的，我覺得「我好奇怪」；我不能解釋的，我認為「我有病」。
後來我明白了，當我私底下對自己說：「我是變態、我有問題、我神經病」，就只是我沒搞懂「性取向的連續性」而已。
總合來看，我會將純粹的百科資料利用比喻、故事、角色設計，重新整理這些概念。我為什麼習慣這樣做？
因為我常會從生活困境中，想起曾經經過的某些新觀念。那時，我會趕緊回頭查閱、邏輯推敲並連結經驗。然後我豁然開朗、瞬間自在。
所以我想了想，雖然我常暗諷我自以為，甚至自嘲是宗教宣傳，可是如果當初救我的她們——我腦袋出現的想法——可以再救一個人，那也就足夠了。
如果沒有呢？沒關係：）
我知道她們至少救過一個人。
性姐放 #性向 #雙性戀 #異性戀 #同性戀 #男性向 #女性向 #性 #情 #umychang
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I'm afraid of being asked, „What about you? What gender are you? Are you a virgin? Do you have a partner? Are you in a relationship?" I would always become angry with the people asking those questions because I'm not sure how to respond to them with my attitude toward sexuality.
So I started exploring issues of sex and gender, and I wanted to understand the public mindset on sexuality. If I find a novel theory, I will try to associate the theory with my everyday life. I long for making sexual and gender things common.
For example, for the theory of "the continuum of sexual orientation", I will start with biological sex. Biological sex is divided into male and female, there are two main types. The continuum of sexual orientation means that the types of sexual orientations are distinguished by "degree", so there are infinite kinds of sexual orientations.
We can distinguish sexual orientation by the degree of the two extremes. According to the degree of admiration for the two biological sex, I put the two extremes, Androphilia and Gynephilia, on a line, but change their names. Because for me, my admiration for males stands for „heterosexuality“, I put it on the left. So the right side, which describes my admiration for females, is „homosexuality“.
On this line, each person's position is not the same. Thus I know, that people’s sexual orientations can differ. Actually, it should be distinctive between human beings.
We have "unlimited kinds" of sexual orientation.
But I also want to make sure, "Am I a normal person?" Will I always change my partners? Will I be in a relationship with a man and a woman at the same time? Will I become sexually addicted?
They all depend on my "personality."
It has nothing to do with my "sexual orientation“.
Why did I even pop up with these questions?
Because I didn't understand at that time, that sexual orientation differs from person to person. When there is something that I don’t understand, I think it is “strange”. When there is something that I can’t explain, I think it is „sick“. Finally, I understand. When I say something „abnormal, problematic, psyche“, it just means that I haven’t got any clear idea of it.
At last, I rearrange these concepts using metaphors, stories, and character design from purely encyclopedic data and theories. Why am I used to doing this?
Because I often come up with new ideas when I feel helpless and dying. At that point, I would rush back to check the theories, logically ponder, and connect them with my experiences. Then I suddenly see the light, and I feel at ease.
So although I often mocked myself as being an evangelist, I realize that if my ideas could save me right away, they would be able to rescue one more person.
sexy_umy #sexuality #bisexual #heterosexual #homosexual #gay #lesbian #gender #sex #relationship #umychang
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爸，我是不是不男不女？
「不是說下週回家？」
喔，好啦！我想當薔薇少女。
「記得先買好車票。」
好啦....
umychang #性別 #身份 #角色 #文化 #階級 #自我 #性 #愛 #性愛觀
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Dad, what kind of person am I?
„You are a girl with a thousand faces.“
WHAT!!!???
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我姊就是個怪人。
她在寫什麼東西？什麼後設？什麼共感？她從以前就這樣，自以為的學術語言，然後自爽、偷笑、很得意，完全是一個活在自己世界的瘋女人⋯她明明沒被雷劈過，身邊朋友都人生勝利組，不是學霸就是學霸中的學霸，她為什麼會變成怪胎？不對，她這種人應該沒朋友才對呀。
她還有更怪的事情，她28歲才開始叛逆，那不是18歲前的事情嗎？她中學時期就班長乖寶寶，天天讀書連洗澡都在背單字，我看她把課本用密封袋裝起來走進浴室，真的很傻眼。讀書讀到這樣難怪變成溫室花朵，難怪28歲分手會突然暴走，就沒失敗過吧。
她分手後那陣子，每天換新造型，剪超短髮、丟她自己的洋裝，然後一直穿我的衣服，特別是成功嶺的操練服⋯
還問我「欸弟！我帥嗎？」
有人可以解釋她的狀況嗎？
好啦，其實我看過她前面幾集，她創作到現在，就對這四件事很在意而已：
1）她很清楚性愛的大小事。
2）她知道自己的性向狀況。
3）她習慣思考「我是誰」。
4）她想高效率幫助最多人。
可是她會把這些想得很極端：
1）她情慾開放。
2）她情感放蕩。
3）她情緒壓抑。
4）她情誼氾濫。
我就說吧，姊妳真的很怪。
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My sister is so weird.
What is she writing? What is meta-sex? What is an empath? She has always been like this, thinking of academic language, and then she would be self-taking, snickering, and very proud, she is completely a crazy woman living in her own world... That does not make sense. Most of her friends are the whole packages, they are curve-wreckers among the academic stars. Why did she become so weird? Wait, no, someone like her should have no friends. Why did she have so many good friends?
The weirdest thing about her is that her rebellious period started at age 28. Isn't that what happened before age 18? She didn’t go through her rebellious stage in middle school. When she was in middle school, she was always the class leader and the top student. She studied every moment, even during the shower. I was really amazed when I saw that she packed her textbooks in a sealed bag and walked into the bathroom. It's no wonder that she has become a greenhouse flower, no wonder that breaking up at the age of 28 would suddenly beat her badly. Because she had never become a loser.
Things became annoying after she broke up. She changed her look every day, she cut her hair very short, she threw her own dress away and then kept wearing my clothes, especially my clothes for military training...
She also asked me, „Hey! How do I look? Manly?“
Can someone explain why did she become like this?
Well, in fact, I think I got it. Because I have watched her previous episodes, and she only cares about these four things until now:
1) She knows sex very well.
2) She knows her sexuality.
3) She is used to thinking "Who I am".
4) She wants to help people more efficiently.
But she would take these to extremes, she thought that
1) She is obscene.
2) She is emotionally lewd.
3) She has depression.
4) She is a people-pleaser.
So I say, my sister is really a unique person.
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[English + Chinese/雙語版]
There are people in my mind.
They know who I was.
They talk about my stupid past.
They are tired of gossiping about me.
They’re afraid that I will become a misfit.
So they told me to do something.
Why did they tell me to stand in front of the mirror?
Actually, when I look at people, I am looking at myself.
Because everyone is my mirror.
我知道我在幹嘛。
我知道我在想什麼。
我知道我為什麼一直這樣。
我現在就不高不矮超胖激弱又…
我為什麼要一直看別人？
傻眼！我正在好好地看我自己。
因為所有人是我的鏡子。
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[English + Chinese/雙語版]
我最怕的就是我現在這樣
我現在到底怎麼了
到底是誰對我指指點點
我怕我會把想的事情做出來
我真的受夠了
我腦袋裡有個假想的人
I can’t show my thoughts. They are dangerous.
I am blaming myself. The real me is terrible.
I know why I love to blame myself.
I don’t like looking at myself.
I am not familiar with the real self.
They are often cute, naughty, immature…
But hey, they are brave and honest.
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It’s really tragic but super cool. Get ready for a dark strike!
„Why did I escape from my all relationships? Because I had gotten used to talking nonsense.“
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老公，我先出門了。早餐在桌上，沒胃口就冰冰箱吧。
其實我有件事想跟你說，我希望你能保密。不過...就和我現在一樣，我怕你不找人說出來會生病，所以你就談吧，不用保密。
我不是異性戀。
我以前很確定我是。可是那天，我發現我好像不是，因為我喜歡上她了，我們搞曖昧，談了一場轟轟烈烈的戀愛。老公，我深愛過她。
對不起，我那時對你說謊了。我也喜歡同性，我不只是異性戀。
「我屬於哪一種性取向。」老公，這不是一道選擇題，我不在分類之中。每次講到性取向，我就會放空、很納悶、很茫然，有時候我覺得，性取向是「我會比較喜愛哪種性別」，有時候我又認為，那是「我對哪種性別才會有性興奮」。我傻住了，我不是一個常常有性衝動的人，但我沒有性冷感呀，我更不是禁欲狂，然後我超喜歡認識人、觀察人、了解別人。
我會比較喜愛哪種性別？我答不出來，很看人。
我對哪種性別才會有性興奮？老公，是你！不是你的性別。
我就直接告訴你，老公，我對某些人會有性幻想，我會意淫他們，儘管你就睡在我身邊。我看的性愛片什麼都有：同性、雙性、泛性、多性，甚至無性，我只排斥虐待強迫太醜的劇情，什麼性戀我都有興趣。
還有，對於我會喜愛的人，我不會優先考慮他們的生理性別。我被一個人吸引的時候，沒那麼在意他的生理性別。我甚至曾誤以為她是他、他是她。我這樣與人相處的心境和態度，讓我非常挫折！因為我沒有合適的性取向類別。
所以我的性向探索，可能永遠不會有終點。
老公，這就是我的秘密。我對性衛生、性行為、親密關係、家庭經營的潔癖與堅持，跟你幾乎一樣，沒什麼好說了。
還怕我嗎？幹嘛！我也不知道你的性取向呀，那有什麼關係？根本沒有關係。
我們愛的是「這個人」，對吧。
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Honey, breakfast is on the table, if you have no appetite, just freeze it.
Well actually, there is something I want to tell you, and I hope you can keep it a secret. But... just like me now, I'm afraid that you will get sick if you don't talk about it, so you can tell others, anyone, don't keep it secret.
‚I am not heterosexual.‘
I was pretty sure I was straight before. But that day, I found that I didn't seem to be, because I fell in love with her, and we started the romance. I loved her to death.
Sorry, I lied to you. I also like girls, I’m not gay, I'm not straight, I’m not bisexual.
"Which sexual orientation do I belong to." Honey, this is not a multiple-choice question, I don’t fit in any category. Every time I talk about sexual orientation, I feel empty, puzzled, and confused. Sometimes I think that sexual orientation means "Which gender do I prefer", and sometimes I think it stands for "Which gender will arouse my sexual excitement." I just go absent-minded. I am not a person who often has sexual impulses, but I am not sexually frigid, nor am I following any ascetic life, and I like to meet people, observe people, and indulge in interesting conversations.
Which gender would I prefer? I can't answer, it depends on people.
Which gender should I be sexually excited about? Honey, it's you, not your gender.
What I want to say is that honey, I will be sexually aroused by some people, and I will fantasize about them, even though you are just sleeping next to me. I watch all kinds of sex movies: same-sex, bi-sex, pan-sex, multi-sex, and even asexual. I only reject plots of sexual assaults, abuses, violence, and sinfulness. I have an interest in any kind of sexuality.
Also, I don't prioritize biological sex for people I would love. When I'm attracted to someone, I don't really care about their biological sex that much. I even mistakenly thought she was him, and he was her. My mindset and attitude towards sexuality like this make me very frustrated! Because I don't belong to any existing category of sexual orientation.
My exploration of sexuality may never end.
Honey, this is my secret. That’s all. Besides my sexual tendency, my views on sexual hygiene, sexual behavior, intimacy, and family are almost the same as yours, so there is no need to explain.
Are you afraid of me because of my uncertainty about sexuality? Come on! I don’t even know your sexual tendency, but I don’t care. It’s not a big deal. It’s not even a deal.
We can love humans, that’s all we need.
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是誰決定我的性向？性別？自我認同？只能是我自己。
我是怎麼知道「我是誰」？我從在乎的人之中，看到我喜歡的特質，我變得像他。認識下一個人，她的個性與為人我好欣賞，我也和她好像。我在不同人身上，發展出我喜歡的樣子，這是一段不間斷的旅程，就是成長。撇除身體、知識、情商的成熟，我的思考正在成長，我越來越立體。
以前，我在意心智年齡、思考眼光、想法彈性，我變得想東顧西、想見林卻狂撞樹。我的思考無法穩定。在那段不夠穩定的歲月，當我遇到發光的人，我無法專注欣賞他，我會多想、很緊張：「我好喜歡他的樣子！我這樣是不是在意淫他？好糟糕。」剛成年的時候，我甚至會亂瞄路人身材，注意性感的人：「天！我好色！」
我現在還是會注意，注意有魅力的人、自然的臉蛋、舒服的身形、扣人的聲音，我越來越喜歡這些了！我看到他們會被療癒、會心動、會很開心。我不是在欣賞美而已，我真的好喜歡他們。我不緊張、也不害怕了。
我現在到底是在談，「我喜歡誰」還是「我是誰」？
一起談。因為性取向或性向，是自我認同的一部分。我在理解「我是誰」時，要先解決「我會喜歡誰」。不論我走過或沒走過多少感情路，其實是在鍛鍊「我怎麼看待性取向？」這些我喜歡的人呀，都是我的鏡子。我正在照鏡子。我從喜歡的人身上，找到我認同的模樣，回來呈現我自己。
我有多立體？關鍵在我的思維框架。在定位自我時，如果我能恣意進出原有的框架，再從我可能喜歡的「人」之中，重新打造最合適現在的「我」，那我就更立體了。
我到處喜歡人，不論生理性別。
我經過的人都是我的鏡子。
我看著鏡子，我喜歡這個人。
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Who determines my sexuality? My gender? My self-identity? I do it all on my own.
How do I recognize myself? I obtain personality from the person I care about, and I become like him. When I meet the next person, I admire her tempers and attitudes towards life, and I learn from her. I've developed what traits I like in different people. It's an unstoppable journey of growth. Aside from the maturity of my body, knowledge, and emotional intelligence, my mind is growing to keep a balance between sanity and sensibility.
In the past, I thought self-growth is about my wordings, my accents, and the theories I quoted, so I became obsessed with puzzling in the wood, and bumping into trunks without noticing any tree. My thinking is unstable. During those unstable periods, when I met charming humans, I couldn't focus on appreciating them. I would think a lot and be very nervous: "I like the way he looks! Am I sexually fantasizing about him? I’m terrible.“ As I turned 18, I would even look at passers-by's bodies and pay attention to sexy people: „OMG! I'm horny!"
Now, I still pay attention to attractive people, beautiful faces, nice bodies, and warm voices, I like these human traits even more! I will be healed, comforted, and happy. I'm not just admiring beautiful beings, I really like them. And I'm not nervous or scared anymore.
Am I recognizing „who do I like" or „who am I"?
Both. Because sexual orientation, or sexual tendency, is part of self-identity. Before I realize myself, I must first find out „what kind of humans will I tend to like". No matter how many romantic relationships I have been through or not, I am always training my views on „sexual orientation“.
The people I like are my mirrors. When I am thinking about them, I am actually looking at myself. From the person I like, I recognize my favorite traits and come back to show them as my own identity.
If I can put aside the past thinking of „who I should be“ at will, then I will be able to recreate the more suitable „me“ from among the "people“. At last, I realize that there is no need to keep a balance between sanity and sensibility, it is my innate capacity.
I care for humans, regardless of gender.
I look into the mirror, I like the human.
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我知道新的觀點，我早發現了：
「我女兒是那種人。」
現在怎麼辦？鄰居一定傳開了。下週家庭聚餐還去不去？
我沒說，我叫她不要回家。我覺得很丟臉！我女兒「這種人」不正常。當年大家不是都這樣傳？
我哪裡錯了嗎？應該是她自己搞錯了。因為那次分手嗎？會不會被哪個男生性侵過創傷？同一個家養大的，他哥就沒事，她怎麼了。我還看到她用束胸⋯但沒關係，至少還能生⋯
「媽！我沒辦法。我會活不下去。」我聽了好痛，我累了。
到底是誰做錯了？
我只是希望他有正常家庭伴侶，養兒育女、享受生活。而我知道的生活樣態，我驗證過、也能拍胸脯保證。孩子描繪的家庭，我替他擔心。
我到底有沒有錯？
我一直在自責，拿誰對誰錯來壓別人。「誰對誰錯」的說法，是我一貫的藉口，拿來應付目前的性別困境。
性別話題哪有這麼困難？我所有對性別的想法，其實只是對我孩子人生的期望。我只是要他活得下去。給我認真地活，誠實地活。
饒了爸媽吧，衣櫃又不是買來給你藏的。不要再躲躲藏藏了！丟臉。
gender #better #sexuality #sex #love #gay #mom #daughter #dad #family #relationship #umychang
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I learn the latest ideas, but I still can't get through the fact that:
"My daughter loves girls.“
What should I do now? Neighbors must be gossiping now. Are we going to the family dinner next week?
I didn't say, I told her not to go home. I feel ashamed! My daughter is not normal. Everyone said that her sexuality is taboo.
Am I wrong? No. She’s wrong. Maybe because of her latest breakup? Maybe she’s been sexually assaulted and this is the trauma. Raised in the same family, his brother is fine, what happened to her. I saw her wearing a corset... but it doesn't matter, at least she is still able to give birth...
"Mom! This is me.“
Who is wrong?
I just want her to have a normal family and life-long partner, raise children and enjoy life. And the lifestyle I know, I can guarantee it is suitable for her. But the lifestyle she depicted, I have no idea. I am worried about her.
Am I doing anything wrong?
I've been blaming myself for who is right and who is wrong. „Right or wrong" is my usual excuse for dealing with the current gender dilemma.
How can the topic of gender be so difficult? All my thoughts about gender are actually expectations for my child's life. I just want them to be able to live. Live frankly, live honestly.
Hey guys, the closets I bought are not for hiding.
Stop stepping-in and coming-out! What a shame.
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「人的感情可以超越性別」這句常識我們琅琅上口，可是用在自己人身上，我真的很難適應。結果我們總是在提，是誰逼誰出櫃？是誰逼誰不能出櫃？不是為難別人就是束縛自己，我們永遠只能有這兩種選擇。
所以我想談源頭：
人為什麼要躲進衣櫃？
「因為好怕被人發現真實的樣子」
「因為更怕自己忘記真實的模樣」
真實指的是什麼模樣？
我還在探索的時候，在快要青春期的時候，就選擇走進衣櫃，侷限啟發自我的空間。第一次躲進去時，我先鎖了房門，我半遷半就鑽進去，我只想待在那裡。我在裡面和自己認真說話，我在裡面竊笑沒人知道我在想什麼。然後我害怕房外急切的敲門聲！房門被撬開時，我覺得我要消失了。我若無其事地走出衣櫃。
下次以後，我按住哽咽聲、不發出一絲聲響，極盡全身的力氣把痛哭的感覺從氣管壓入胸腔，再推入腹腔，一邊把自己抓回冷靜。
我出門、上學、K書。微笑、安靜。
下課必須聊天。我必須開心大笑。
我不可以哭！不可以生氣。
我好累。
各位！21世紀最新的理論就是性別疾病理論：我們對「特定性別的印象」會到處傳染，尤其是不常遇到的性別。這個理論為什麼成立？
舉個例子吧，請想像一下：兩位女性熱情親親、兩個男生你儂我儂。看吧！是不是會有性行為的想法？腦中甚至會浮現同性在接觸的畫面？我們容易往那裡想，可能是好奇、不習慣、不確定。
我只知道，那些和性向不同的人，發生性行為的對象與我不同。接著我就把「性行為」和「性向」劃上等號了。我最後誤解成，因為他們的性向和我不一樣，所以性生活一定很變態。可是每個人發生性行為的對象，應該都不一樣吧？我知道我刻意針對性別了。
如果我在最一開始，準備理解性別和我的關係時，就感受到可能成為「變態」的壓力，我就會藏起來。我會很害怕，然後綁住我能發展的空間，不願意呈現完整的情緒。
我就只有一半的樣子，我不真實了。
我不想再出櫃，也不想再進櫃，
不要再進進出出了，給我開放式衣櫃。
gender #closet #sex #love #sexuality #homophobie #homo #man #woman #boy #girl #umychang
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Humans’ love can go beyond genders. It is common sense. But when it comes to our own situations, it's really hard for us to adapt to this saying. As a result, we are always asking, why doesn’t he come out of the closet? Who forced she not to come out? We put ourselves into this dilemma: to mute or to lie.
So I want to talk about the cause:
Why do people hide in the closet?
"Because I'm afraid of being discovered by others"
"Because I'm more afraid of forgetting who I really am“
What does it really mean?
When I was exploring myself in the puberty age, I chose to walk into the closet and gave up the chance to understand myself. The first time I stepped in, I locked the door first, and I stayed there. I talked seriously to myself inside, I was snickering inside that no one knew what I was thinking. Then I heard the heavy door knocks outside the room, I was frightened! When the door was pried open, I felt like I was gone. I walked out of the closet as if nothing had happened.
Since then, every time when I hid in, I held back my choking and yelling without making a single sound, and used all my strength to push the feeling of crying from the trachea into the chest, and then into the abdomen. At last, I restrained myself back to calm.
I went out and I smiled.
I was always agreeable.
I was always fine.
I never cried!
I never looked mean.
I never showed sadness.
I wished I hadn’t been here.
Guys! The latest theory in the 21st century is the Gender-vid Theory: our “images of a particular gender” are contagious, especially the genders we encounter less often. How?
For example, please imagine: two women kissing passionately, two boys cuddling gently. Do you pop up with an idea of having sex, or even images of same-sex lovemaking? We tend to think in this way, I know why, we are just curious.
I also know that people with different sexual orientations choose special partners to love and sleep with. Then I just put their „sex life“ and "sexual orientations“ together, I thought they are sex animals. Later on, I conclude that because their sexuality is different from mine, their sex life must be ugly. But we all choose a unique partner to love and sleep with, don’t we? Yes. I should stop targeting sexual orientations deliberately.
So as soon as we start to understand ourselves at a younger age if we feel pressure to become a "pervert" from the very beginning, we hide. We are scared, and then we refuse to see ourselves. We aren’t able to express our own feelings. We are locked in our mental closets.
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人什麼時候開始有性趣？
A. 幼兒時期
- 挖！這樣摸鳥鳥好舒服！
- 叔叔你褲子尿尿的地方為什麼像一顆球？
B. 青春期的時候
- 她胸部比我大，哼。
- 為啥這色梗我沒聽懂，慘了！裝一下。
C. 剛成年的時候
- 支持女性不穿胸罩，有助改善血液循環！
- 支持男性不穿內褲，有助提升精子品質。
D. 生小孩的時候
- 公共場所親餵為什麼尷尬？
- 寶寶一給爸爸抱就亂哭怎麼辦？
E. 年紀有了
- 大姐自摸很強喔，又胡了。
- 小鮮肉還嫩美眉？都是我的好小孩～
我們對性的興趣，是不同生理性別？不同年齡狀態？還是不同身材比例？好像不太分別，只要美，我們都有點興趣。
我們為什麼有性趣？為了自爽？為了擇偶？為了跟流行？
為了談論美。
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When do people start having sexual interests?
Childhood
- Wow! It's so comfortable to touch my little man!
- Uncle Bill, why does the crossover of your pants looks like a ball?
Adolescence
- Her boobs are bigger than mine, I envy hers.
- I didn't understand this dirty joke, No way! So embarrassed. #Adulthood
- I agree with women not wearing bras, it helps improve blood circulation!
- I support men not wearing underwear, it helps improve sperm quality.
Parenthood
- Why is it embarrassing to breastfeed in public?
- What should I do if my baby cries as soon as she is hugged by his father?
Elders
- Wicked! Grandma beat us all in playing Mahjong…
- Hunks or sexy ladies? They are all cuties.
Do our interests in sex vary with genders, different ages, or different body shapes? It doesn’t really matter. As long as they look brilliant, we are all a little interested in them.
So why do we have sexual interests? To soothe yourself? To find a mating partner? To keep up with the trend?
To talk about our nature.
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如果我是魯夫就好了。那層橡膠套，不管是戴在下面、手指上，都很不自在，我心裡不爽：
「我們的距離，就是這層套。」
我對套套感冒，我對僥倖想法也感冒，我對知道他或她無套過也感冒，我不要套套。可是我永遠記得，醫生幫我放入陰道塞劑時，忍痛與腫癢的無奈⋯ 刮傷、流血、癢爆、扎痛。一直回診，我好丟臉。洗手、洗澡、剪指甲、刷牙、衛生套、指險套。
性衛生，非關性別。
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I hope I can be Straw Hat Luffy, who acquires the properties of rubber in fiction. That layer of the rubber cover, whether it's on my private or fingers, makes me uncomfortable, and so annoyed:
"Condom is the wall between us."
I'm sick of condoms, I'm sick of my thoughts on no condoms and taking chances, and I'm sick of knowing you haven't had condoms before. I dislike condoms.
But I always remember the helpless pain when the doctor helped me put in the vaginal suppository... l was scratching, bleeding, itching, hurting. Cured? No, it just began.
I was mentally tortured by return appointments.
So please, wash your hand, take a shower, clip your nails, brush your teeth, use condoms, and also finger condoms.
Be hygienic in life and in sex, thank you.
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當我以性感描述自己時，我在鏡子、在照片、在文字中比對，心情踏實，「我把自己照顧得很完整」，我這樣想了。
性感，非關性別。
性感 #性別 #性 #感情 #人性
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When I describe myself as Sexy, I look at my posture in the mirror, my behavior in the photos, and my expression in the text, I feel relieved, „Yes, I am sexy, because I have taken good care of myself, from my body to mind.“
Being sexy is totally fine.
sexy_umy #sexy #sex #relationships #genders #humanity #umychang
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你在幹什麼？是不是都不自慰！你整個慾望都塞住了。我就不信你沒有壓力需要舒展？也不看情慾片？知道中正紀念堂色色版名稱是什麼嗎？自己查謝謝。
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天哪！活到幾歲了？還不會自我慰藉？你這樣我好擔心⋯
不說話不釋放情慾、肚子核心沒力只會狂點頭、壓力大還吃精緻澱粉，講話沒有情緒、生活沒有感覺，我真替你的人生難過。
怎麼會有人不會面對性慾？只會工作，也不遊山玩水？也不健身運動？噁心！胎勾！沒衛生！不健康。
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What are you doing? No masturbation? God, I don’t believe that you have no stress to release. No erotic fantasies? Come on, do you know the erotic joke of the name “Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall” in Chinese? Ask your Taiwanese friends.
OMG! How old are you already? You don’t know how to comfort yourself? I'm so worried about you...
If you don’t express, you don’t release your feelings, your emotional core will weaken. Why do you always pretend to be agreeable, while you are thinking of the opposite? Snacks and sweets again? You are sickly stressed. Poor life.
How could people not face their sexual desires? Please, think about yourself, entertain yourself, and play with yourself.
selfcare
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你第一次看情色片時幾歲？我是6歲。你幾歲開始自慰？我等到18歲。
現在的孩子平均幾歲接觸情色呢？11歲？上國中？可能都更早。網路上常有色色廣告、新聞，會分心，我們都知道。你害怕孩子看到嗎？別怕，說不定他們接觸情色資訊的時間，和你當初差不多。你有變成性侵犯或是大色狼嗎？當然沒有。
我說我自己好了。我那時瞄到了，我多看了一眼。尤其是特寫的情節、露骨的描繪，我好好奇。我有生理反應了！我攤軟在床上。
其實那時我總是難堪，因為我怕被發現，尤其是怕被我媽發現。我隱約覺得我爸和我弟應該知道，因為他們刪除了搜尋紀錄，而且從來沒有提起過。
人類幾歲可以看色情片？性教育學家、老師、爸媽、長輩心裡其實都知道，說一套做一套，現實是根本不知道哪天小孩就看到了。可能是下載功課按錯、視訊上課手滑、手遊旁邊跑馬燈、或是最正常的好了！蜘蛛人與蝙蝠俠的床戲畫面。難道每次畫面出現都只能抖腳？閉眼？尿遁？我怎麼逃孩子就這麼學。
「我知道，可是我也很尷尬。只要想到要對孩子性教育，我真的沒有信心。我看待性的心態，也沒善良到哪裡去，為什麼學校不教？教改改那麼多次怎麼沒用？」
其實我也沒信心。我還寫了新的性規矩，但我根本還沒生過小孩，我想到要性教育就很緊張，所以我只敢寫成英文版，因為大家不會看，我也當課本讀讀就算了。關我什麼事啊，我腦袋裡想的是我10歲就設好的專屬性規矩：「絕不可以意淫或手淫。」因為這些類自慰的行為，都很糟糕。「哪有！健康、自然、正常。」最好是啦！聽大家怎麼說。
「你哥在床上磨蹭，我跟妳說，男生這樣就是精蟲衝腦。」大媽的表情還一副看到色狼的模樣⋯⋯
「青少年都這樣，就叛逆期！」大姐一邊視訊抱怨，一邊洗內褲和被單。
我聽了八卦，心想「我不想和那些屁孩、男同學一樣，被當成動物，所以我絕對不可以自己來。」
效果是？我身為生理女性，我害怕被發現會自慰，不能諮詢家常性的話題，這都是糟糕的行為。我以性別的名義，合理我對性的偏見。然後我覺得好多了，就這樣吧。
而私底下，我又對生理男自慰極度蔑視。他們不怕被發現，甚至會當玩笑亂開。我還要假裝聾了、啞了、沒聽懂，並在心態上認同男性對自慰的說法。我真的很鄙視他們的行為嗎？對，我又討厭又羨慕，又愛又恨。我為什麼要這麼人格分裂，我對自己好生氣。
我明明就知道什麼是性、謎片、做愛做的事、進進出出、噴出來、濕濕的、有洞⋯這有什麼困難？不用小學畢業也聽得懂，我為什麼要裝笨變傻？我爸媽難道生了一個蠢蛋？老師沒說過怎麼自我學習嗎？網路上充斥的成功人士說的話，獨立思考是真的嗎？還是來騙錢的⋯呵，我笑了。
來！直接一點，這是我的性愛規矩：
1）面對她。電影床戲怎麼拍的，怎麼可以性感又不露點？性感與色情，我懂多少？我看過情慾文學嗎？情慾和色情有什麼差別？為什麼徐志摩張愛玲不情色，格雷50道陰影也不被禁演？我現在就區分。
2）接受她。人為什麼要有性慾、性滿足、性行為？除了生小孩，還有哪些？這只是哲學議題，還是人生態度？和我小孩的人格發展有什麼關係？我在思考。
3）處理她。性行為有哪些生理反應？要注意哪些細節？怎麼樣不會身心疲憊、超有壓力？為什麼和心理健康、精神狀態、生命韌性牽扯在一起？我正在查。
4）放下她。我兒子問我都怎麼做愛，我好想巴他頭。我想到他被我發現自己來時，又噁心又骯髒，我沒辦法想像他要怎麼學會和喜愛的人有性行為，糟蹋別人。拜託！連自愛行為都不會，憑什麼碰別人。要學性行為，看維基就好，我為什麼要教你識字？我教心態。
我很明白，我要實際與平穩的肯定，不是A片裡充滿恐懼的性愛觀。
性愛觀
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At what age did you first watch porn? I watched it at 6 years old.
At what age can humans masturbate legally? I waited until I was 18.
What is the average age of today's children to be exposed to online porn? age 11? In high school? Possibly earlier. But don’t panic. Some parents may run into pornography at a similar age. Yes, I am talking about the adults, you. Are you becoming a sexual assault or pervert?
We all know that there are often erotic advertisements, news, and distractions on the Internet. Most of the time we just browsed them, or took a look at them „accidentally“. But frankly speaking, we may be curious about those explicit depictions. Sometimes I would click those links, and several erotic images and clips showed up. I had a physical reaction! I lay powerless on the bed.
Soon after then, I felt so embarrassed. I was so afraid of being discovered, especially by my mom. My dad and my brother once noticed it from online search history, they covered me. They pretended that nothing was wrong. That is our unsaid consent.
How old can humans see erotic plots? We always define age, as an acceptable range for sex education although we know that the answer is unpredictable. As children mistakenly click it, as the computer is hacked, as you switch the channel unintentionally, or even during the family movie time when sex scenes come, children’s sexual cognitions started.
What can we do?
1)Talk about it. Talk about the artistic elements within sex scenes, you may do comparisons between the sex scenes of „James Bond“ and „Spiderman“.
2)Make debates. Debate the origin of sexual behaviors: is sex for "baby", for "happy", or for other things? You are training their minds for metacognition, not simply plain reactions.
3)Discuss explicit reactions. Discuss the differences in the movements, the postures, the sounds, and the dramatic effects between actual sex and movie sex. How? Go search for animal intercourses. We don’t need to describe our own experiences but make their imaginations broaden from animals to humans.
4)Q&A. What if my children ask about my experiences? I treat sexual behavior comfortably as if doing sensual massage, as if sunbath at the beach, as if caressing a soft pillow, as if…This is the most suitable moment for you to introduce metaphorical languages to children. Ask them, in which poem or novel can you find the implications for sexual behaviors? Read literature.
These are my rules for children's sex exposure.
But in fact, when I was 10 years old, I set a reversely uncomfortable sex rule: "No masturbation and sexual fantasies.“ I thought that they were terrible.
"No! It is healthy, natural, normal." Wrong! Let’s listen to what people around me had to gossip about:
„My son did handjobs on the bed, I tell you, boys like this are like sperm nourishing the male brains“ A lady expressed this as if she saw a pervert...
"Young boys are like this, it's their rebellious period!" A mom complained during a video chat while washing her sons’ panties and sheets.
I listened to the gossip and thought, "I don't want to be treated like an animal, like those childish boys in my class, so I absolutely can't masturbate or fantasize.“ At that time I was about in my teenage hood.
Now I realize that, during my teenagehood, I have had the utmost disdain for male masturbation. Because I envied them: they are not afraid of being discovered or talking about it as a joke. But for me, I had to pretend to be deaf or ignore their jokes, and mentally “justify“ male’s all attitudes toward masturbation.
Later on, as a female, I became afraid of being caught masturbating and never consulted on sexual topics, I detain those discussions. „No self sexual exploration, no harm.“ This was the sexual rule I set.
In the name of Gender, I rationalized my "sexual bias".
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大腿打開。
乳液、嬰兒油Standby
夠潤滑，皮膚才不會擦傷。
耳機接好，或調成靜音。
推薦搜尋「erotic massage」
等等，知道無痕模式嗎？
算了，洗手。拜託！洗手。
開始囉！
——————
我知道，我在碰哪個點。
我明白，多快多慢有效。
我瞭解，正常生理反應。
我幻想、我性奮、我宣洩壓力。
月經來也可以自己來。記得要隔著內褲與衛生棉。輕輕按壓那裡，像捏枕頭。還有！性幻想電影院，熱情放映中。
——————
結束了。
痛還癢？流汗還流血？
身體怎樣？觀察一下。
衛生嗎？健康嗎？有味道？
洗手！刷牙！換內褲。
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I want to be comfortable.
I know which body parts I am touching. I understand moving how fast or slow I will come. I understand that these are simply normal physiological reactions. I volunteer to do this. I fantasize about erotic plots. I am releasing some pressure.
During my period I can also masturbate. But I touch my private part through the panties and the sanitary napkin. I pressed there lightly, like pinching a pillow. I watch sex fantasy movies at the same time, that's enough for me to come.
How do I feel? Painful or itchy? Am I sweating or bleeding? I am observing my body. Is everything clean? Is it healthy?
Do I smell bad? Yes.
Wash hands! Brush teeth! Change my underwear.
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我壓力好大，我想紓解。
我很想滿足基本生理需求。
我性奮了～
很舒服、很自然。
我壓力暫時小了。
性滿足是生理需求，是我身體的本能，也是情感表達的根基。性愉悅或性高潮，都是我自己的事情，我自己一個人就可以做到。
是不是很簡單？試試看吧
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I'm under pressure. When I’m so stressed I really want to meet my basic physiological needs. I come. I’m comfortable. I'm less stressed. For quite a while.
I am not the lock.
No one has the key for me.
I own the key to my orgasm.
This is my physiological response. This is my body instinct. This is my sexual release.
Even there is just me,
I can, I do, I come.
sex #sexeducation
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我在看寫真明星、情慾圖像時，的的確確對影像中的對象，有情慾、有超強大的幻想，然後我釋放壓力，感覺好舒服。
看影音的那一刻，我喜歡那個她：創作裡的、腦海裡的、小劇場的那個她。我終於知道，這一點也不羞恥、下流，這是正常人的現象。
我感謝這些影片與文字，
也期待我的反思再創作。
我終於曉得了：情慾包袱在我創作的當下，指的是我擔憂成為文字脫星，我害怕成為寫真女優。那為何不停筆？
因為我講後設的性愛認知，不講創意的情慾文學。我是性愛作家，我是Umy。
umy #umychang #sexeducation #sex #virgo #scorpio #metaartist
Ecstasy.
Ref. The New Science of Gender and Sex.
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When I look at erotic images, I do have sexual desires and super-powerful fantasies about the person in the images, and then I release the pressure and feel very comfortable.
At the moment of watching erotic clips, I like those roles as well: the one on the bed, in my mind, in my fantasies. Now I have known that my reactions toward pornography is not shameful or lewd at all, it is common and normal.
To be honest, I am grateful for pornography. Because it makes me recognize my own body and feelings.
In those past moments of my writings, I was always worried about becoming an erotic writer, or a porn artist. Why didn’t I stop writing?
Because I was recognizing myself at those moments. And now I finally admitted: I talk about meta-sexual knowledge, not creatively erotic literature.
I'm a meta-sex writer.
I'm Umy.
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我想起中學時的我。當我在晚上不小心性興奮，甚至就像男生一樣快要夢遺時，我會趕緊夾緊下體。甚至用手指，用力地擠壓大腿。我限制自己，不要高潮。我警告自己「不可以！妳在幹什麼？」
我在半夜對自己非常嚴厲。
我不敢自己來，因為很羞恥，而且我以為只有男生可以自慰。直到18歲以後，我才敢開始自行探索。我告訴自己：「成年了！可以藉由自慰來抒發性慾和壓力，都沒有關係。現在開始！性、解、放。
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In my teenagehood, as I ran into sexual excitements at night, or even close to wet dreams like a boy, I would quickly clamp my legs. And I even pinched my thighs hardly for bruises. I was holding myself back from orgasm. I warned myself "Stop! You dare not come."
I blamed and swore myself in the middle of the night.
I didn't dare play with myself. Because I thought only boys could masturbate, but shameful for girls to do it. It wasn't until I was 18 that I started enjoying sexual pleasure on my own.
Right before my first masturbation, I told myself, "Yes! I finally came of age! Now it is legal and healthy for me to express my sexual pleasures. Ready? Sexual liberation?
Oh, yeah.”
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在我有性幻想的時候，我覺得這些想法很不健康，我稱它們是一種不入流的想法，甚至是骯髒的。我大概從小學五六年級開始，就常常這樣對付我的性幻想。一冒出這些想法，我就會扭捏、遮掩我的舉止。
其實在當下，我無法分辨出原來別人是看不出來的，他們不知道我在想這些事情。而我卻有性幻想的自己，過度譴責甚至懲罰。懲罰伴隨我的中學生涯，沒有離開過。甚至在沒有人的環境，在孤獨的夜晚裡，會更加劇烈。
當我有性幻想時，
我會摑自己巴掌。
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Ever since I was 10, when I had sexual fantasies, I felt these thoughts were unhealthy. They were dirty and lewd ideas. As soon as these thoughts popped up, I felt super embarrassed, anxious, and uneasy. I became easily irritated, nervous and melancholy with myself.
In fact, at those fantasizing moments, I couldn’t tell that other people could not sense it, they didn’t know what I was thinking about. Thus I looked down at myself, excessively punishing and cursing my feelings. Those punishments accompanied my teenagehood and never left. At night when I was alone in my bedroom, I felt terrible.
Because when my sexual fantasies came, I violently slapped myself.
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Beyond Sexuality
'I don't touch your body secretly, I won’t be frivolous to you, I don't just think about hugging you. I may never be with you. But now there is no way for me to fall in love with other people.
I know you have had sexual experiences. I don't think you're used nor innocent. I have no idea what a virginity complex has to do with me loving you. I can't imagine you without all your memories and past. It is all these past and present moments that make you distinctive as you show up in front of me.
You are your past, your present, and your future.’
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“我不偷偷碰你身體，我不隨意接近戲弄你，我不會只想著和你纏綿。我可能永遠不會和你在一起，但我現在就是無法愛上別人。
我知道你有過性經驗。我不覺得你髒、不覺得你乾淨，其實我根本沒辦法去想髒或乾淨的問題；我沒辦法去理解處女情結結和我愛你有什麼關係。我沒辦法去想像你離開所有回憶與過去的樣子。我喜歡你的過去與現在，因為是這些所有，成就了你在我面前時，展現的大方與自然。
你就是你，過去的、現在的、未來的所有模樣。”
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我們對處女情結的想像是什麼？其實很多種。不斷挖掘大眾對處女情結的心理定義時，我發現我們好像不是在談處女情結，我們在談社會上對「個體可不可以有性經驗」的底限。
然而，這個底限是浮動的。這個底限指向兩個極端：不是正常、健康、愛、自然、教育，就是不成熟、隨便、危險、骯髒，以及秘密。這兩極端非黑即白、一翻兩瞪眼，切割點我們都知道，是最常使用的社會標準：年齡（成年/未成年；20出頭歲/30多歲了）、感情關係（交往中/劈腿中；沒血緣／有血緣；情人／路人；夫妻／情侶）、生理結果（懷孕了/沒受孕），尤其最後這個門檻，現今大眾已能逐漸轉化性觀念，從污名化未婚生育到鼓勵積極培育新生命。
在新的生命面前，人類低頭謙卑、滿懷感謝。
那既有的生命呢？已經活了好些年的我們，也應值得對我們的人生反饋與祝福。
我們總把對性行為的討論，放置在這些門檻、底限、邊界上推衍，然後被束縛地既矛盾又掙扎。可是人類的性行為真的這麼極端嗎？我想跳脫這種限制與界線，自由討論性行為的限度與彈性，我要離開這個框架，我要玩思維與靈魂的共鳴。
好呀！那來看看我內心小劇場裡的各個觀點吧，一共有三個角色。
《角色1是個成年男》
「你跟不是我的人發生過性行為，我不能確定你乾不乾淨，有沒有性病。」
「你不是處女。那我就沒辦法確定你和多少人發生過關係，因為非處即濫。」
「因為你已經被『打開』了，就算你堅持只跟上一任，我還是覺得你可能沒說實話。」
《角色2就是成年女》
「生理男需要紓解，那種紓解不需要有情感基礎，身體爽就好了。健康男性有過性經驗很正常。生理女如果有單純抒發的性行為，一定會得性病，而且情感不忠人格變態。健康女性有性經驗是很淫亂的。」
「如果我去約過、買過，你會有機會愛我嗎？如果我交過10任，你還會愛我嗎？這兩個問題就性經驗而言，對我來說沒有差別。」
《嚴重處女情結角色3》
「我只覺得我被用過了。所以你不要碰我。一個毛孔都不能碰。我超髒。」
「如果我做了處女膜恢復術，你會覺得我乾淨嗎？會更愛我嗎？但如果是你變回處男，我也不會覺得你變乾淨，因為男生的乾淨應該是衛生和有沒有得性病。為什麼說到女生就不一樣？」
＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿
其實我還藏了最後這個角色，這是我對消除自我的處女情結，提供的另一種觀念。
＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿
《超越性慾的角色4》
“我不偷偷碰你身體，我不隨意接近戲弄你，我不會只想著和你纏綿。我可能永遠不會和你在一起，但我現在就是無法愛上別人。
我知道你有過性經驗。我不覺得你髒、不覺得你乾淨，其實我根本沒辦法去想髒或乾淨的問題；我沒辦法去理解處女情結和我愛你有什麼關係。我沒辦法去想像你離開所有回憶與過去的樣子。我喜歡你的過去與現在，因為是這些所有，成就了你在我面前時，展現的大方與自然。
你就是你，過去的、現在的、未來的所有模樣。”
我最喜歡哪個角色？角色1的大男人適合自己消遣，角色2的成熟女適合編劇練習，角色3的罪惡女適合挑出問題，角色4的那個人就是最適合我的樣子。
這些角色，我都最喜歡。
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那時候，我覺得情人是互相索取，我相信感情是一直關心，我認為性事是終極牽制！
快看！我都流出來了。
我有生理反應，我正在放空。
我沒有什麼感覺，我在放空：
「我到底，要什麼？」
我知道，人類有性、人類有性器、人類有性衝動、人類有性興奮、人類有性高潮。
我不知道，我的身體怎麼樣會舒服？身體舒服，為什麼心情很糟，為什麼記憶斷片？
我要理智地活著。
沒有自己幻想。沒有粉紅泡泡。
沒有共感幻覺。要怎麼做？
我都在想什麼？
「我想出家。」
我現在確認：
「我正在逃避，我被用過了。」
所以，我怎麼了？「我不敢分手，我不敢戀愛。我不能結婚生小孩。」
我在，物化自己，沒有把自己當人看。我是一個情慾工具，所以會被使用。
我承認，我有性經驗。
我沒結過婚，沒生小孩。
我現在單身，沒有性伴侶。
我不是處女。
我是一個人。
性姐放 #我不是處女 #umychang
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What do we think about the virginity complex? Everyone differs. When I was searching for the public's psychological definition of virginity complex, I found that we didn't seem to be talking about virginity complex, we were talking about the society's bottom line on "whether an individual can have sexual experience or not“.
However, this bottom line is not fixed. It moves between two extremes: one extreme of being normal, healthy, adorable, natural, educational, or the other extreme of becoming immature, wanton, dangerous, dirty, and secretive. These two extremes are black and white. And the cutting points are the most commonly used social standards: AGE (adult/teenage; early 20s/over 30s), RELATIONSHIP (dating/cheating; friendship/kinship; lovers/passersby; married/unmarried), OUTCOME (pregnant/not pregnant). Especially for the last threshold, people nowadays have been able to gradually transfer the concept of unmarried pregnancy, from stigmatizing wedlock birth to encouraging new life nurturing.
In the face of new life, human beings can always humbly show their blessings and gratitude. What about the existing life? I mean, us, who have lived for years. We are also worthy of acceptance and anticipation in our own life. Aren’t we?
We always place the discussion of sex on these thresholds, bottom lines, and boundaries, and then we struggle. Is human sex meant to be so extreme? I want to get out of this boundary. I have to freely discuss the limits and flexibility of sexuality. I am leaping out of this box, and I am resonating deeply in my soul.
Okay. So let's take a look at the various points of view in my mind first. There are three characters in total.
Character 1) An adult male
"You've had sex with others, so I'm not sure whether you have a sex disease."
"You're not a virgin, you've been 'opened', even if you insist on only having sex with the previous one, I still think you are lying. Because losing virginity, losing credibility.“
“[N]o language has ever had a word for a virgin man.”― Will Durant, Our Oriental Heritage
Character 2) An adult woman
„Men need sex, and they needn’t a relationship foundation, as long as the body is sexually relieved. It is normal for grown men to have sexual experiences. If women have the same sexual behavior, they will get sex diseases, be unethical and be unfaithful.”
"If I had hooked up with others, would you love me? Would you still love me if I had dated 10 more guys before? There's no difference to me in terms of sexual experience between these two questions."
“People with lost personalities will suffer a great deal more than those with lost virginities.”― Melina Marchetta, Saving Francesca
Character 3) A person with some complexes
"I just think I've been used. So don't touch me. Not even a cell. I'm super dirty."
"If I have a hymen repair surgery, would you think I am innocent? Would you love me more? But if you become a virgin man, I wouldn't think you'd be better, because I only care about sexual hygiene and sexual health. ‚Why are women different?‘“
__________________
In fact, I hide the last character, which is my transcending concept as I tried to eliminate my virginity complex.
___________________
Character 4) Beyond Sexuality
'I don't touch your body secretly, I won’t be frivolous to you, I don't just think about hugging you. I may never be with you. But now there is no way for me to fall in love with other people.
I know you have had sexual experiences. I don't think you're used nor innocent. I have no idea what a virginity complex has to do with me loving you. I can't imagine you without all your memories and past. It is all these past and present moments that make you distinctive as you show up in front of me.
You are your past, your present, and your future.’
Which character do I l prefer?
The adult man is suitable for my own entertainment, the mature woman is suitable for my scriptwriting practice, role 3 is suitable for picking out my unconscious bias, and role 4 is the most suitable character for me.
I appreciate all my characters.
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E13 My Self Exploration
At that time, I believed that the love relationship was meant to be binding, and sex was the key.
I knew that our behaviors are normal. We are humans. Humans have sex, humans have sexual organs, humans have sexual impulses, humans have sexual excitement, and humans have orgasms.
I didn’t know: how could I feel good in my body, but feel so bad in my mood. Why would I keep mixing up the detail of those nights? I looked insane. I got fantasies. I told nonsense.
What’s wrong with me?
"I want to be a nun."
Seriously? No kidding.
Think and say it out slowly.
"I am running away, I have been used. I dare not break up, I dare not fall in love. I can't get married and have children anymore."
I was materializing myself, not treating myself as a human being. I thought of myself as an erotic tool, so I would be used.
I’m single now. I am human. My sex is female. I am able to get pregnant. I am Umy Chang.
sexy_umy #sexuality #umychang
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什麼是處女情結？
誰會有處女情結？
我努力想了一個日常的例子：有一對雙胞胎姊妹在我面前，我知道妹妹是處女，姐姐不是，所以我喜歡的是妹妹。是這個意思嗎？還是我雖然只喜歡姐姐的個性，但因為姐姐非處女，我退而求其次和妹妹在一起。是這樣說吧！
可是我就不會想和妹妹交往。我到底怎麼回事？我不是有處女情結！我舉這個例子，是我設想處女情結應該是直男才有。怎麼現在就不適用了？
難道是女性？那位媽媽、這位阿姨、隔壁大嬸、鄰居婆婆、還是，路過正妹？小心，我有性別陷阱。
其實是我對性有嚴重的情結，但是不是處女情結，不是「有沒有發生性行為」。
我的性情結是「有沒有發生不安全的性行為」。我知道不安全的性行為代表更大的承諾，而當下的如果沒準備好迎接這個承諾，還鼓勵、促使、很期待，最後做了，我會極度厭惡自己。
提問：我為什麼「自主選擇不安全的性行為」？
A女答案）因為我年齡到了、身體部位也成熟了，而且我不排斥懷孕。我知道未婚生子不至於被社會隔離，我喜歡小孩，當媽媽也是一種未來的選項。
B女答案）因為比起我個人的生命發展，維持這段關係，是我那時的人生歷程中最看重的事情。
C女答案）其實比起對方的想法，我還更看重自己的感受：我當下就只想讓自己性興奮。所以我沒有準備、沒經過討論、也沒和他說好。然後我就後悔了，「我怎麼覺得沒有關係？」
我三種答案都中，我的性情結真的很嚴重。我不只對性有情結，我對感情還有濃厚的：
「完美關係情結」。
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從國小開始，我在每一個不同的階段，會喜歡上不同的人。我喜歡過同學、學長、很多人。我也喜歡過女生。我很困擾，因為我認為，我超淫亂。
後來我才知道，原來那些情慾流動的灰色地帶：深夜裡的對話，密切往返的日記，裝沒事的繼續互敲，都是我的情感探索。
我現在轉彎了，直接U turn 翻翻自己的舊帳：我記憶力甚好。我觀察「那時，我是怎麼了？」我得到了清晰的結果。
我的情感流動，比性欲來得早，在國小高年級。一封情書就可以撩到我，一首情歌就可以打動我。我全身都在顫抖！心臟是麻痺的！但是我沒有性興奮，沒被性喚起，更沒有性高潮。
我那時根本不懂這些名詞。
我只覺談話往來當中，我是飄在天空中的，我很輕盈感覺很舒服。只是牽ㄧ牽手，我就超級開心，只是輕輕擁抱，我就大鹿衝撞，只是臉頰上的一啄，我也可以自感體溫500度。
隨著對性的開竅，我越來越不舒服了。
在情慾流動上，我是一個徹頭徹尾的主動者。我太熟悉怎麼掌控氛圍了，我太知道怎麼調整口氣了，我太明白怎麼轉換心情了。所以我可以用被動者的姿態，度過每一個互動。我那時候深信，不要動才能反制，不論情感或性慾，反其道而行，才不會出錯。
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What is a virginity complex?
What kind of people has a virginity complex?
Let me show an everyday example: There is a pair of twin sisters standing in front of me. I know that the younger one is a virgin and the older one is not, so I can only fall in love with the younger sister, right? Sounds weird. Or, although I only have feelings for the older sister, she is not a virgin, so in order to love a virgin similar to her, I will choose to stay with the younger one. What!?
No, I don't want to date the younger one. What the hell is going on with me? Does that mean I don’t have a virginity complex? So why did I give this example? Because I imagined that virginity complexes should only be found in straight men. Or, am I wrong again? Maybe only females have virginity complexes. Such as mothers, aunties, grandmas, mothers-in-law, or, beautiful young ladies. Be careful, this is my gender trick.
In fact, it is I who have a serious sexual complex, but it is not a virginity complex, not about „having or not having sex experiences“.
My sexual complex is „having an unprotected sex experience.“ I know that unsafe sex calls for a sincere commitment. Thus as I was not ready for that commitment, and if I even encouraged, motivated, and asked for unprotected sex, and finally made it happen, I would be extremely disgusted with myself.
Question: "Why did I voluntarily choose to have unsafe sex"?
Female A: Because I'm at the age for pregnancy, and I don't rule out having children. I know that illegitimacy is not a mark of disgrace anymore. And having a child out of wedlock is not a dirty thing at all. Most of all, I like children, and being a mother is also an option for my future.
Female B: Because according to my settled life plan, maintaining this relationship is the most important thing in my life, right now, at this moment.
Female C: Actually, I value my own feelings more than the other person's thoughts: I just want to get myself sexually excited right now. So I didn't prepare, I didn't discuss it, I didn't talk to the guy. But after our unprotected sex, I regretted it, I kept wondering „Why did I think ‚it doesn't matter at that time?“
I have the same answers with all these three females. Yes, my sexual complex is really serious. I have a complex not only with sex, but also with intimate relationships:
I have a „Relationship Perfection Complex".
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…
These are all the explorations of who I really am.
Now, I look back at those moments. I have a very good memory. I observed, "What was I thinking at that time, and why?" I got a clear answer. My self-exploration came earlier than my sexual desire, I started self-exploring when I was 11. A love letter can recall my feelings, and a love song can make me self-reflect right away. I'm touched! My heart is paralyzed! But I have no “sexual excitement”, no “arousal”, and no “orgasm”.
At that age, I didn't even understand these terms at all.
During those conversations, I was wandering in the sky, feeling light and comfortable. Just holding hands, I am super happy, just a tender hug, my heart would melt, just a kiss on the cheek, my heart would go crazy.
Ever since I knew what “sex behaviors” mean, I paused my expressions. I waited, I kept the feelings, until it was the time for a drama performance, for chorus singing, and for article writing, I exploded.
Then, it came to my first relationship. I was completely active. I controlled the atmosphere, I adjusted my mood suddenly, and I switched my voice tones and looks, so I could even act as a passive lover.
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「我其實不知道洞口在哪裡？」
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我不斷思索這句話。我懂生理構造圖，我了解自己的身體，我對性事都很懂，為什麼還會說這種話？
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“During my first-time sex, I didn’t even know where my keyhole was.”I keep thinking about this saying.
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I know my body very well, and I know everything about sex, so why would I say things like that?
Because I am afraid of others invading my privates. I am wary of their demands for my personal privacy. Moreover, I am most afraid of people touching my private organs with their own private body parts.
This "keyhole" is both a physical body private and a psychological secret life. It is a "doorway" into my private sphere.
"How is that possible? Don't you love me? You said you want it! You started it first! Why did you act as if you are the victim." Even in an intimate relationship, regardless of gender, we all care the most about our keyholes. We are all guarding in front of our own doorways.
We may also be individuals who “enter” the doorways. Especially our own doors, with fingers, sex toys, or imagination.
OK, so what does this fear itself imply? Some argued, "I'm not afraid, I'm looking forward to the entrance!" And some said, "I'm super scared, does this mean that I have virginity complex?"
Type 1 people who are used to transcending their fears, turn their fears into sex excitement and anticipation. Type 2 people with a strong awareness of individuality know that when fear comes, it is time to listen to their feelings, minds, and bodies.
Which type of people am I?
Both Type 1 & Type 2.
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愛安全
我一直沒有：
溝通我們的心理壓力
面對我們的身體風險
發現我半夜悶頭偷哭
我一直選擇：
無套的性行為。
Love & Safety
I didn’t,
Talk about our pressures afterward. Mention my body infections later on. Face my voices in the middle of the night.
I kept having,
Unprotected intercourse.
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According to various online sexual contents:
"You can't find the entrance, so we try it without condoms."
"You would feel hurt, try no condom."
"You pulled out before you came, do without a condom."
"You weren’t pregnant last time, do without condoms again."
"We track her menstrual cycle, no pregnancy no condoms."
"You got your period, let’s try no condoms..."
"You don't feel good, so don’t wear a condom."
"The size does not fit, let’s do without a condom."
"He ran out of the condoms."
"We can’t buy any, so we have no choice."
"I forgot to bring it."
"I don’t like wearing it."
All of the above are excuses.
Why?
To find out the answers,
Google them.
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各路西斯資料顯示：
「他戳不進去，無套。」
「她會痛、不舒服，無套。」
「他噴之前出來，無套。」
「她沒受孕，繼續無套。」
「她安全期，就無套！」
「她月經來，無套⋯」
「他觸感不好不適，那無套。」
「他尺寸不同不舒服，無套。」
「他用完了，只好無套。」
「買不到，只好無套。」
「忘了帶，也是無套。」
「他不喜歡戴，無套。」
以上皆為無套藉口。
為什麼都是藉口？
因為⋯
自己Google自己說。
OS: 我真的是很故意，還裝各種聲音。哈！
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Love & Self-intimacy.
親密感與自我的距離。
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Now, it is just me, here.
I start to fantasize~~
Your finger is on my left shoulder, it lightly goes down, I feel the soft airflow from your nose. The air warmly follows your touches and slides over my back. All the way towards my button, so tender, too gentle.
"Oh~"
"More! Faster!"
"Come slowly, it hurts!”
"Oh~ yeah~ yeah~ babe"
You are the bear. You surround me with your strong arms pampering me carefully.
Then I guess I must be, the cutest teddy bear 🧸!
Luv ya ❤️
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現在，這裡，只有我自己嘛。我來幻想～～
指尖輕觸我左肩，沿著後背，悄悄走向柔嫩的，我的臀部。
「喔～」
「快一些」
「慢慢來嘛」
「輕一點！痛痛」
「喔喔～這樣舒服」
好似一隻敦厚的大熊熊🐻，雙臂繞著我，緊緊抱住我，小心翼翼地，呵護著我。
那我要當，小隻的熊熊🧸！
啾❤
性姐放 #性幻想 #性知識 #umychang
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Sit still! No man-sitting.
My private part is for peeing. My menstrual blood flows from there. I can get infected if I keep scratching my private parts.
Touching it is dirty.
I slide my labia with my fingers, very softly. My fingers are too tired. So I buy sex toys. Do I want to hurt my private part? Do I want to make myself infertile? Of course not. No way. I am not crazy. I'm thinking:
Since my sex toy is a vibrator, it vibrates regularly, it can make me discharge moist liquid faster. The liquid protects my skin from scratches.
Most important of all, I am sexually aroused. I feel comfortable, but I have no climax. I don’t come.
Why? Because I haven’t started my sexual fantasies.
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性喚起。
大腿夾好！
那邊是拿來尿尿的。
那裡是給經血流過的。
一直抓私處會感染。
碰下面就是骯髒。
我用手指滑動陰唇？！手指要抖動好痠！所以我買情趣用品。我想要傷害下體嗎？我想害自己不孕？我在想：
它是一個震動器，它規律震動，它使我很快分泌濕潤的液體，這些液體保護皮膚不會擦傷，我被性喚起了。
情趣商品在私處來回滑動，搭配商品規律的震動頻率，我覺得舒服，但是一直沒有高潮。
為什麼？
因為我沒有，性幻想。
性姐放 #性喚起 #umychang
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I'm exploring now. I am exploring sex and love.
First of all, I would need diverse resources for this research, but I am very concerned about social distancing and the pandemic…, and frankly speaking, I don’t like wearing facial masks.
So I don't want to walk out for the resource! I don't want to meet people around at the moment! Then what can I do? What can I do to get enough data for my research? Only on the internet?
On which websites can I get content on “sex & love” online? Are those contents obscene? Will they distort my thoughts and personality? I am not sure.
Before writing, please refer to what other people have done...
- Literature review
Search results for "Porn" or related words: porn websites, live-show, video chats, erotic novels and animations, viral advertisements.
YouTubers
1Gsme0104: Sexual interests, Sexual issues, Sex Education, Sex Questions and Answers
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwQfCQEqAokt9k_eT853cfg
Ms Jojo: Master of Sexology, Sex Educator, Sex Healer, Sex Quiz
https://www.youtube.com/c/%E7%86%9F%E5%A5%B3%E5%95%BE%E5%95%BEMsJojo
TVBS: Professionals of Sex knowledge, Sexual Response, Sexual Function…https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1Pi24hwm03pmN5k0UY8hEA
Several male doctors: sexual function, sexual hygiene, sexual health…etc.
- Problematic
Q1. I feel it so weird that why are there simply female YouTubers discussing sex details, especially those concerning the sex of males? How obscene these YouTubers may be in public opinion? Are they preventing people from the current gender and marriage markets? Aren’t they afraid of distorting their own characters and personalities?
Q2. I can only transfer concepts of “sex, sexual desire, sexual impulse” in an artistic way and try very hard to convince myself "Hey! These things are normal! Sex happens because people have love ❤️ ."
Liar. There is nothing that matters to love when I secretly watch porn at midnight. I know very well that I just want to awaken my sexual tension, call for physical soothing, and reach my sexual relief. So how is sex connected to love?
Q3. Sex education is very important, very important, very important. I put emphasis on "education". What do we expect after this education? Sexual hygiene, safety, and health?Getting familiar with sex organs, sexual function, sexual response? Well well…Sex is just an awareness or pure knowledge, why do we always relate it to love?
Q4. There is an ambiguity in some discussions of sexuality. When we mention sexual behaviors, do we include sexual activities for all sexual identities, like as homosexuals, bisexuals, pansexuals, or only heterosexuals? In short, are these discussions about sex appropriate for people of all sexual orientations?
- Research methods
Data collection: Keyword searchings, erotic contents filtering.
Research method: Reason my thoughts to find common senses between sex and love.
Data collected. Next step? Analyze and discuss…
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我開始探索了，我決定探索性與愛。
我需要多元的資源把觸角伸透徹，可是我又很介意社交距離還有趴趴走，而且我很討厭戴口罩。我不要出門！我不想到處見人！這樣我能找到什麼內容？網路上那些性愛內容OK嗎？會影響我的人格嗎？我會變成變態嗎？會扭曲我的為人嗎？
在撰寫之前，請我先參考前輩們都已經做了些什麼...
1. 文獻回顧
18禁論壇
- 西斯版：圖文影情慾創作、情趣用品分享、身體反應與經驗解惑、衛生與安全性行為解答。
- 西斯文學版：較專注文字情慾創作。
「Porn」相關字詞搜尋結果：謎片網站、線上電愛、18禁小說、H動漫、病毒廣告。
Youtubers
- 1G老濕：性事、性趣、性教育、性事問題與解答
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwQfCQEqAokt9k_eT853cfg
- 熟女啾啾Ms Jojo：性學碩士、性教育者 、性療癒師、性愛測驗
https://www.youtube.com/c/%E7%86%9F%E5%A5%B3%E5%95%BE%E5%95%BEMsJojo
- TVBS頂尖事務所：性反應、性功能、身體自主權...
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1Pi24hwm03pmN5k0UY8hEA
- 多位男性醫師（連結略）：性功能、性衛生、性健康。
2. 問題意識
Q1. 好詭異，是因為我的性別偏誤嗎？為什麼是女性YouTubers在討論性的細節，還專門講生理男的部分？她們知道一旦講出來後，大眾會用什麼眼光看待她個人？她們在兩性或婚姻市場上，會變成哪個等級的獵物？她們不怕影響自身形象、人品、價值嗎？
Q2. 性、性慾、性衝動，我只能用非常文明、文化、藝術性的手法，才能大概說服自己，「哦！這些東西都很正常呢！因為人有愛所以會發生性」。怎麼可能？我半夜還是會偷偷看色色的東西，連我都很清楚我只是想要刺激、興奮、抒發慾望，這些和文化、文明、藝術性，一點關係都沒有呀。我怎麼會這樣呢？
Q3. 性教育很重要、很重要、很重要，很重要所以強調是「教育」。教育後想看到什麼呢？衛生、安全、健康。熟識性器官、性功能、性反應....關於性，講起來就是一件事，和愛有什麼關係？
Q4. 我發現性向定位模糊。這裡的性愛談的是哪一種性戀？是異性戀嗎？還是多元性戀？簡單說，這些對性愛的討論，適合我和各種性向的人嗎？
OK. 題目確定，問題決定！
3. 研究方法
- 資料搜集：上網亂找，關鍵字搜尋、煽情廣告點擊、有「色情」成分就看一看。
- 研究方法：思維盪鞦韆，先腦洞大開，再連結我的認知找邏輯。
蒐集完畢。開始分析…
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I limit the current voices in my mind, and I refuse to take a good look at them. So as time goes by when I grow old, will I still have enough mental ability to understand my own voices, and comfort my feelings afterward? If I can't figure out my myths and misunderstandings, how can I expect others to understand what I'm thinking?
When I look at these sayings from the aspect of different generations, I took on the viewpoint of an elder, a parent, and a teacher. I turned around to see the youths, the people younger than me. I was not sure if I can ever encourage them to explore their true voices in hearts without hesitation.
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I utter inside my heart:
Since I will get hurt, don't go out! Stay here and protect me.
However, I am very selfish. I ask selfish questions within my mind:
If I am old, who will protect me? If I am sick, who can take care of me? If I am gone, who will bury me?
Can I solve these problems? Oh, no! I am not sure…let me Google it on my phone…
Hey! Stop scrolling 📱. Take the bag and just go out. For what?
Answer all questions.
Question my answers.
"Just do what you want." That sounds simple. But as I sitting quietly at the MRT platform, watching people passing by,
this sentence seems more than its literal meaning.
It means more, in my mind: Why didn’t I say “Just do what you want “ to you?
Because when I am going to order you, I felt that you were not doing anything right; when I am not going to restrict you, I'm afraid that you will do nothing right.
The essence behind this saying is common: Doing what I want to do is always a challenge. Because I follow peoples’ ideas, I forget my own words.
What do I want?
“To get up early? Or to sleep in?" I need to get enough sleep.
"Do I want to live in a family? Or do I just want to live single?"
I should consider beforehand:
What I want to do are "those”, and what I need the most are "these". But then, they have to be done in "this way", so I can keep my comfortable living.
"Do I want to continue creating my artworks? Or do I want to live a steady life?" I know how to keep both steady.
This is my resilience.
In a tamely tough way, I am going to tell the facts.
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在人際互動中不能走心，也不能誠懇呈現內心真實聲音。我們會受到無情地詆毀和謾罵，會被傷得體無完膚，這是很危險的人情陷阱，應該要避開這種風險。我的確這樣和自己警告了，但同時心裡也冒出了另一個洪亮的聲音：那是因為我認為，我所有的心底話應該都是天真的，我想表達的真實想法應該都是不成熟的，我最底層的性格應該都是脆弱的。所以我才會覺得，我這個人一旦說話走心，就會像赤裸身體一般，受到社會隱形又猛烈的抨擊。
我怎麼想得這麼極端？因為我腦袋裡對人情兩個字的想像，是市儈、現實、複雜，充滿心眼。但我最後還是決定說心裡話了。我豁出去了。為什麼呢？難到是我不要命了還是病了呢？因為當我都不講的時候，傷害我想法的人、摧殘我對社會認知的人、詆毀我和社會所有互動的人，竟然都是我自己。我沒有明白表述，我就繼續扭曲，我沒有看到扭曲，我只會更加害怕，結果我一直在自己嚇自己。
我沒有在自我保護，我每一次的壓抑、緊抓與沈默，都在自我苛責與傷害。原來這種行為不僅自私還很自虐。請我把時間軸拉長一點，一旦我老了，沒有力氣了，長期自私苛責的我，還有能力照顧自己嗎？那等我病，我還有能力陪伴我的羸弱與孤單嗎？我目前這樣扭曲的心理，都還沒來得及自我攤開來好好審視，舒坦這些皺褶與糾結，等到垂垂老矣時，我還有足夠的認知能力，來自我解讀與寬慰嗎？如果我都還搞不清楚我的迷思與誤解，我又怎能期望別人理解我在想什麼。
當我們將觀點拉到不同的年齡層來看，身為長輩、家長，或像我是位老師好了，我去看比我年輕的人群，我到底能不能放手讓他們探索？我放心讓他們自由理解生命的意義與價值了嗎？我可以不拿自己的主觀思維來左右他們的聲音嗎？而如果他是我教育的晚輩，如果他是我養育的下一代，我自然覺得我對他的生命價值與意義，必須負責任。所以我主動釋出我的經驗與思想，可是其實我是擔心的，我擔心一個失衡，我連他的主體性、或他的個人認知，也影響甚至偏頗了。我需要不斷修整，我能夠照顧他們的底線在哪裡。隨著他們人格與心理逐漸發展，開始有不同與我的意見出現時，我會將我能夠照顧他們的邊界，越往底線推進。所以我知道，哪怕有一天我不在了，這些情份與人際不會斷聯。我就安心了。
而不論站在社會中的哪個位階，我都會選擇訴說，因為我還想鍛鍊我的思想。我明白，講述與傾聽是雙向的思維互動，我還想和世代激盪出可貴的生命態度，所以我談論。這些談論聲是多元價值的一環，也是社會上不同的聲音。
我不想再被自己中傷，我不想毫無招架之力，我不想還沒上台就腿軟脫逃，我還想珍惜我的情份。那我就拿出第一手的想法，貼近真實。如果走心了，也好，我沒說謊。我以我的話語聲，出發去探索、找問題。
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可是我其實很自私。我又想：
如果我老了，誰要來保護我？
如果我病了，誰能來照顧我？
如果我不在了，誰來安頓我？
只剩我自己嗎？喔不！我要怎麼顧自己？我只會滑手機。
還做什麼？包包拎著。
出門，去練膽量。去找問題。
「想做什麼就去做什麼吧。」
這句話我說不出口。當我限制你的時候，我覺得你做什麼都不對。當我不要限制你的時候，我害怕你做什麼都不對。
這句話，到底是什麼意思呢？
一個人，去做吧。
多了個聲音，才是挑戰：
「想早點起床？想自然醒？」
我需要睡好睡飽。
「想繼續創作？想踏實生活？」
我知道為了什麼。
「現在很想要？突然不想要？」
我該來看怎麼辦：
我想做的是「這些」，但我最需要的是「這個」，然後我要「這樣」才舒服。
這是我的韌性。
我柔韌地，說實話。
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When I was writing "episode 9: I have no friends", I was actually quite concerned about these voices. I started to write these utterances quickly, but I didn't think they were my sayings. In other words, I didn't think that these voices are different aspects expressed by the same person. I was worried that I would nurture distinct identities, I was super scared. When I turned to read the words spoken in my mind, I was surprised, „How could I even bear these thoughts? What's wrong with this person, it is not me.“
I did speak my mind, but I denied those words. I urged for a reasonable explanation of why I can't control the words on my mind. I first thought it was because of others’ gossip. I fear gossip, I fear what people think of who I am. That is the reactions and thinking of others took control over my inner sayings. Do I really know what other people are thinking? Of course, I don't know. But I know what other people „should“ be thinking. I imagined their thoughts in my mind, I turned myself into a storyteller. I created the imaginary others, and I played other people's roles, not myself, all in my mind...
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I know myself too well.
When I am silent, I am going to leave. Why? I can't stand it anymore, let me go.
I don't understand myself.
I don’t know what I want to do the most. Why? Because I haven't found it yet.
I have too many aspects. I can't realize each of them at every moment, I'm so scared. I can't predict my looks or behaviors just seconds before I do them.
That’s not true. It is just an excuse. What I really mean is that…I'm afraid of being gossiping. I put up a façade, so I am always nervous and getting tired easily. I shouldn’t show myself at first.
Since the connections between people are complicated, so are all social networks, there are rumors, verbal attacks, vicious messages all over the place. This world is very dangerous!
I'm enough: there are too many chat rooms to reply...every day there are stories about human sex and sexuality...that who is with whom...someone takes advantage of others...
I want to fight back.
But for me, “I want to be nice to everyone.” If you slander me directly, I won't fight back. I am truly kind.
No. It is not my kindness.
This is my stubbornness.
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我太瞭解我了。我沈默很久以後，我就會默默離開。其實我壓抑很久了，我內心受夠了，只是我都沒有展現這些心理過程，所以會讓人嚇到。總之不論以任性或做自己的姿態，我是真的離開了舒適圈，不論是在情感、友誼、親情、社交或家鄉，我都曾刻意斷聯。但我走之後才察覺，我不知道我現在要幹嘛？我最想做的事...我從來沒有好想過。我一直覺得找不到想做的事，但我知道現在就是要找了。
我常常用「迷路」兩個字來形容這是一個暗號，暗示我想要離開現狀，去找尋內心嚮往的事情。可是另一方面，我有非常多的顧忌與人情，讓我認為還是待在這裡就好。這兩種想法相互拉扯下，就形成我看起來混亂、迷惘，和不斷在找方向的迷路感。我沒有給足空間與時間，去享受我這個人內心裡所有的聲音，我反而選擇先壓制與關靜音。有的時候他們是掙扎「我不要這樣子！」，有的時候是舒坦「我好喜歡這樣！」。更多的時候是，想說又不敢說的糾結與後悔「我也好想要那樣...」，這些聲音都是我內心不同的長相。
當我在書寫性姐放的這集時，我其實對這些聲音相當擔心。我正開始快速寫下這些聲音，但我不認為這些聲音都是我的一部份。或著說我不認為，這些聲音是同一個人講的不同的觀點、或不同的意見。我擔心我變成好多不同的人，我超害怕。我對我的OS心裡話很生澀又訝異，我都在想什麼呀我？
這明明是我內心最底層的話語，我卻覺得我掌控不了他。我需要一個合理的解釋，為什麼我不能預測心裡話。我本來以為是害怕他人眼光，所以我活成表裡不一的多面人。我將我無法接納心底話的理由，歸因到別人的反應與思考裡。我真的知道別人在想什麼嗎？我當然不知道。但我知道，我腦袋裡想像的別人，應該會想什麼。我好忙碌呀！我活在我腦海中假想的別人。我活在我的小劇場裡，我演這劇本中其他人的角色，還不是演我自己。難怪我常常覺得我好累、我好荒唐。
先不談小劇場，我的人生已經有非常多的劇場要顧了。每一個劇場就是不一樣的交際圈，與不一樣的人形成不一樣的群組、圈子、人際，這是一個複雜社會的真實模樣。而我在這些社會的劇場裡，還是不想代表我的角色過下去，一直在揣測他人心理、模仿他人走位與舉止，那...我不是一直在迷路嗎？好，就讓我去迷路。但開始之前，我必須知道我是從哪裡出發，我至少先知道我現在站在哪裡，我在哪個群組或圈圈？我旁邊哪些人群？我都在模仿誰揣測誰？我為什麼優先揣想這些人？我先把以上的問題想清楚再迷路。
我發現我跳出角色揣摩了，我跳出我的心理迷宮，正在上方觀望自己為甚麼要選擇走這個迷宮，我直接看到出路與死路，我還記得滾瓜爛熟，我沒辦法迷路了。如果我都已經飛到迷宮的上方，發現自己會選擇模擬不同路線，走向不一樣的死路中，我為什麼還要跳下去呢？
因為我有和他人的情份要顧，也有我的情感要照顧。當我想表達此刻最真實的想法時，我不確定別人會怎麼回應我，所以我遲疑壓抑與沈默。我一直認為，一旦我直白表現了自己的態度和思考，其他不同的意見與聲音會以不同的方式攻擊我。原來我將他人與我的應對進退，看成攻擊與防守的關係，我把人際想成了羅馬競技場。
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我太了解我了。
當我很沈默，我想走了。
為什麼？我不行了，一個人吧。
但我不了解我。
我最想做的事，都不知道。
為什麼？因為還沒找到。
我有太多面向了。我看不懂，我好害怕。我沒辦法預測。
其實是這樣的。
我怕受人八卦，我有偶包在意眼光，我會不安緊張超難過。與其這樣不如一開始就不出聲。
社會就是這麼複雜，處處大小圈圈。有人造謠是非，有人言語攻擊，很危險！
我很累：有很多群組要聯絡⋯每天都有情慾流動的故事⋯那個誰跟誰在一起了⋯有人佔了我便宜⋯
我想反擊。
可是我，我是個太在意人情的人。你直接中傷我，我也不回反擊。
這是我的任性。
我心裡想著：
既然會受傷，就別出去吧！
待在這裏，自我保護。
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Fears grew stronger as my past relationship ended. I came to deny my own looks, talk, and act even harder. I noticed that I wear different looks at distinctive moments. I can switch my appearances and thoughts flexibly depending on separate situations, I was frightened. I felt like I was lost. I was lost in the puzzle seeking the most suitable mask to wear for every moment. I thought I had multiple identity disorders.
I never knew how to get out of my mental puzzle until I found out that I was actually in a process called strong self-development. This is a development aiming for a more comprehensive self. As the process goes on, I keep asking myself a lot of questions, and….
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So what? My horror shows up. The origin want of myself, of „being myself“ hits me badly: I forget who I am. „What happened to me? What am I thinking? How am I feeling?“
I don’t know.
How am I going? Is my matter solved? Am I feeling better? Is my wound recovered? Am I still pretending to be thoughtfully „perfect“, and turn to shed tears? I bring a lot of worries, to myself.
Hello! Where’s here?
I can’t see anything …?!!
Pull me up!
No, I am not falling.
I never fell in any hole.
It's not like that.
I never forget who I am.
I know exactly who I am.
I always know who I am.
Can’t I present who I am? Do I dare not to? Oops, I just forgot to show it.
Why do I hide myself?
I'm afraid. I think my true self is bad, bad, bad.
What am I afraid of?
Being surprisingly a different person that even myself, me, I have to introduce mine-self to myself.
What a complex word pun, so confusing. Take it easy.
I am just being expressive. Expressive? Does it mean that I have an extreme sense of things?
Yes, this is me, a person having super sensual feelings, being able to switch between two extremely distinct emotions: sobbing and laughing, but speaking in a fairly normal way.
How did I make it?
Don’t make it up.
Do check it out.
Check out my traits,
Weight my strengths, and
Challenge all my limits.
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後來我發現，我在繞遠路呀。當關係中的人們有了性行為後，有些人認為這是一種情愛的升級。我則知道，這是一種情感的承諾，或許還不到約定與責任，但已搭起了情感上的親密守護。
我赫然明白，原來我把這樣的守護看成了保護，我把這種保護看成了維繫安全感。所以我把對方在性行為的感受，囊括為我的責任與職責範圍。我認為那是我保證這段感情的必要條件，我要安全感。
很多這樣的連結，現在我講出來都覺得不可思議。我的確過度的把性行為裡對方的行為、反應、表達，與維繫這段關係的必然性牽扯不清。簡單來說，對方沒有達成性滿足，我就談不了這份感情。也因此造就了我會在關係裡，不斷給自己施加「負責滿足情慾」的壓力。
我是到了離開關係好一陣子後，大概是一年以後了，才有這樣的體悟。所以我說，在那時、在那個行為的當下或不久，第一次進入交往關係的我，又怎麼可能意會的到，原來我感覺自己掉入黑洞，是因為我的心裡，有這層極端的拉扯與不可思議的連結呢？我當然不知道…
…
聽聽看囉！
吃 #蛋餅 #台式早餐萬歲 #愛 #性教育 #情感教育 #穩定 #共感 #taiwan #taiwanfood #taiwaneggrolls #umychang
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結果我就忘記，我是誰。我發生什麼事？我在想什麼？我感覺怎麼樣？我不知道。
又是表面鎮定，回家崩潰。
我掉進了黑洞…
喂！這是哪裡？
拉我上去！
不是，不是這樣的。
我從沒忘記我是誰。
我很清楚我真正的樣子。
我一直都知道我自己是誰。
只是我應該是不能？還是說不敢？或是就不會，表現出來。
幹嘛裝？我怕呀。
怕什麼？被嚇到。
我有太多面向，有時很正經、有時很傻愣、有時很容易、有時很難搞，我怕⋯被當成神經病。
今天是新垣結U、明天是女版阿信，有時靦腆站、或是霸氣坐。頭髮可長可短，裝扮可公主可王子⋯或是一隻小狗勾。
我真正的樣子，是我喜歡的樣子。我真實的模樣，是我決定的模樣。我真確的態度，我誠實的姿態，是我突破自己的方式。
我是呀！我是個很不一樣的人，我的情感幅度很大，我的感官體驗很誇張，也很會在兩個極端間「直接切換」。不過，這樣的我，生活竟然還過得去？
這個情緒蹺蹺板，擺盪不定的樣子，是什麼樣子呢？
是一個持續擺動的穩定狀態。
是一個持續的穩定狀態。
是一個穩定狀態。
是一個「穩」。
性姐放 #共感能力 #umychang
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As two people have had sex during their romantic relationship, there is no need to deliberately deny those plots or experiences when their relationship ends.
If I choose to deny the past intimacy after the romance comes to an end, I will start to feel uneasy about all my experiences and even doubt my value in all kinds of relationships, such as friendship, with family, colleagues, or even passersby. I did. I had fully denied my past. I chronically tortured my thoughts, condemned my worth, and was disgusted with my behaviors later on. I hated myself. In the end, I deepened my grief and lasted my pains. I am no longer able to appreciate love and care….
Read the full episode on YouTube: “My Sex & Love”
https://youtube.com/channel/UC-gS0IDOKrSl9W_1RffNqfw
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Welcome to Umy’s supersensual world. Here, I am going to take adventures beyond what I’ve come to, I’ve seen and I’ve played.
Ready? Here we go!
Listen: I have a superpower, I can read hearts in words, I know what people are thinking…yo!
“Monster!”
I am a person without ____.
Oh, that symbol is the "underline".
Mindful is my only trait: I love to consider. Consider things, consider people, consider me. From time to time, I am transparent, not unseen but gentle. That’s why I notice the nonsense between my words and behaviors. I find out the paradox of my responses and feelings.
I see my facade. It is so strong.
But my core, my core is weak.
It doesn’t hurt.
My left cheek is red and swollen. The shapes of my eyes are different, I can only open the left one. I can't raise my left arm. Crushed stones plunge into my back. The glass thorn into my finger joints. A blade is running across my body, my blood is flowing harshly. My right thigh is bruised, and I am walking lamely.
I can't move my right foot. Is it a cramp in my leg? Or am I just being numb?
I can't tell.
„If I don't mention my cares, I can bring no worries from anyone.“
It is not sickness, nor is it a sacrifice, it’s just me being "selfless“. I have this „un-sense of self-being„ that exceeds my own body and feels. So I am strongly willing to take no notice of my feelings, making myself considerate, and easy-going.
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歡迎來到Umy超越4D技術的進階世界～這是什麼樣的世界？
對，這就是發生性行為當下的感官世界。她超越我們所有和人接觸的感受。在性行為當下，我們的感官完整開啟，除非心不在焉、意不在性愉悅。
但我卻在那時有種自我抽離、自我消失，不知道自己在哪裡的感受？我還說這不是一種犧牲，這是一種自我。到底怎麼回事？我怎麼會在親密接觸時，有這麼反差的體驗？
首先，我知道有一種強大的認知，凌駕在所有和「掉進黑洞」的有關描述之前：當兩人交往關係情意濃厚，進而發展出所有的你情我願，不需要在不愛了以後刻意否認。
如果選擇否定過往的親密行為，反而會促使離開關係後，開始對我那些經歷感到不安，甚至懷疑起我的價值。我曾對過往充分否定，我主動劃開一道道傷疤，以譴責與厭惡的方式，慢性撕扯我的歷練與為人。最後，加深了悲傷的感受與痛苦的時間，我已沒有能力談論情與愛。
擁有了這樣的體悟後，當我回顧性經驗的難堪，我逐漸釋懷。不代表我不再難堪，而是我知道為什麼難堪。我的難堪並不是因為不愛了，並不是因為誰欺負誰，也不是因為這段感情中誰虧欠或耽誤了誰。我的難堪是什麼？
我的難堪是：我怎麼總是覺得沒關係。那句「超出我自我感受的自我感」是我難堪的出發點。當我內心極度掙扎時，我會選擇用最反差的方式，表現當次經驗的感覺。我不只是不講出來，還講了一個完全相反的故事。我說：「我很享受」。我不禁好奇，一定有件事促使我說這個謊，不論是告訴別人或是說服自己。
我以為是我沒有底線、有形象與偶包，或太在意他人眼光。都不是呀！是我誤會了性行為的初衷。是我把性行為想像成，應該要像色情片一樣，兩個人要有片中演員的表達與演技。是我腦海裡走過的情節全是情慾片脈絡，所以我將我的性行為與色情片劃上等號。
請我好好想想，為什麼人要有性行為呢？如果只跟隨色情片的走向，性行為就是為了抒發性慾，甚至更強調抒發生理直男的性慾。我這才發現，我誤會了性行為的真諦。
所以性行為是為了繁衍、生小孩囉？對，也不全對。當雙方的養育期望萌芽、產生共鳴，這種說法的確正確。那如果沒有養育期望，對我來說，性行為是不是只為抒發情慾呢？我遲疑非常久。因為我對情感有既定堅持。我無法接受在感情不夠深刻時，與對方發生性行為。因此這句「性行為是抒發情慾的管道」的說法，對我而言實在過份簡易與單薄。
我繼續思考，那性行為是為了什麼呢？
#情感教育 #情慾教育 #失戀失婚創傷 #性行為 #性 #共感 #移情 #umychang
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歡迎來到：
Umy超越4D技術的進階世界。
我沒有讀心術、沒有透視眼、沒特異功能。我只是把聽過的、看過的、想過的、難過的、經過的，情節大亂兜！
我是一個沒有____的人。
喔，那個符號是「底線」。
我會把它抽掉！當我覺得這樣身邊的人可以比較恣意表達的時候。我會變得透明，當我認為這樣身旁的人可以比較自然的時候。我會變得隨和，當我以為這樣對大家都好的時候。
然後，我就不痛了。
我的左臉腫成豬頭。我的眼睛大小眼，只有一眼睜得開。我的左手臂抬不起來。碎石扎進我的後背。玻璃刺進我中指的指甲縫了。刀片劃過身體，我見血了。我的大腿外側瘀青，變成了掰咖。
我的右腳動不了，是抽筋還是麻痹？我分不清楚。
那不是壞處，也不是犧牲，只是一種「自我」。我的一種超出我的感受的「自我感」，藉由忘記自己的存在，讓自己看起來很正常、沒關係、一模一樣⋯
真的沒事。
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我沒有忍不住。
我沒有不行。
我沒有瘋。
我沒有辦法表現？
我沒好好表達。
如果都沒有，會怎樣？
會付出代價。
（魯夫：我一定要把那個傢伙揍飛！）
onepeice #happyfoolsday
性姐放 #性衝動 #umychang
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I am thinking of her.
I imagine him naked.
I saw sexy bodies.
My private part is warmer.
My “there” is hard to control.
I go to the toilet.
I get in my room.
Done.
sexy_umy #sexualimpulse #umychang
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又稱為不自主地性喚起。也就是在沒有準備之下，有了想從事性行為的慾望。不過不用太擔心，只要透過理解與習慣，我們是可以好好轉化這股動力，讓生活往更有趣與豐富的層次發展，她不是一種危機，他是一種原力。
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Also known as involuntary sexual arousal. That is, my sexual desire for engaging in sexual activity is aroused without preparation.
But don't worry. As long as we understand why and get used to it, we can transform this drive and make our life richer. Sexual impulse is not a crisis, but a force.
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「媽～性慾是什麼？」
「老師，人為什麼要有性慾？」
這是我想寫性慾的理由，但也是我寫不出來的原因。我知道如果孩子哪天好奇了，還不會遮掩羞恥不問時，我可以趁機來場健康性教育。可是，我要講什麼呀？我要怎麼講？我腦袋裡想到性慾後，先是想到露點場景、再來就是動物交配。我想講的原因很簡單，我希望我的孩子合理處理性慾，不會失控變成潛在性侵犯，也不會壓抑影響心理人格發展。那不管什麼時候、在哪裡，孩子問我性慾的問題了，我至少要講到這三點：
1 性慾和食慾一樣都是人的基本需求，有性慾不代表想生小孩。
2 抒展性慾的方式有很多：畫畫、寫日記、演戲、小劇場、運動、自己來...還有很多，不一定要和別人發生性行為。
3 性慾像火箭，加速我們主動去發現「我喜歡與享受的事情」。
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我沒錢過了。我沒飯吃了。
我沒工作了。我沒愛情了。
我沒家人了。我沒朋友了。
我還有，性慾。
我活下來的底限。
性姐放 #性慾 #umychang
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"Mom, what is sexual desire?“
„Umy, why do people have sex drives?“
It's the reason I want to write about libido. I know that one day, if my children ask me, I will have the opportunity to give healthy sex education to them. But what am I going to say? When I think of sex drive, I think of the sex scenes in movies.
But I know clearly why I have to tell them „what is sexual desire or sex drive“. It is very simple, I hope that my children can understand sexual desire completely, so that they will not become out of control, they will not become a potential sexual assault, and they will not be prevented from expressing their own sexuality. So no matter when or where my children ask me about sexual desire, I will say at least these three points:
1) Sexual desire and food appetite are both basic human needs. Having sexual desire does not mean that you want to have children.
2) There are many ways to express sexual desire: painting, writing a diary, acting, playing thoughts or fantasies in mind, doing sports, masturbation, and many more, having sex with others is not the only key.
3) Sexual desire is like a rocket. It calls for our initiative to discover “the things“ that I favor and enjoy in my life.
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Sexual Desire
I have no love.
I have no home.
I have nothing,
Except for sexual desire.
It keeps me alive.
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我在性功能逐漸發育完善的階段，也就是月經以後直到成年期間，會時常在深夜反覆揣想，白天時我經過的害羞扭捏與不自在。可能是不小心和人觸碰副特徵，也有很明顯就是有人故意碰我臀與胸，以及偷偷掃視我身材的眼光。我刻在心裡但不會講出來。
不過這都不比當我反思到，我也會有類似舉動時來的驚恐。我會不經意地與他人比較身材與腰臀比，我也會意識到不同性別的聲音魅力，我還會對四周散發出的體味興奮或厭惡。這些時候我的觸覺嗅覺聽覺...很多感覺自然超展開，我會覺得我退化了，我懷疑我是不是只是動物。
如果我是動物，我不會寫出這些觀察，我不會定位這個時間區段。
我不是動物，我知道這個階段就是：性成長與心理成熟的關鍵期。
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As my sexual characteristics are getting mature, it probably all started after my first menstruation came, at midnight I would always ponder the embarrassing scenes happening to me in the daytime. Such as me unintentionally having physical touches on my private parts with other individuals. Or someone deliberately touched or squeezed my hips and boobs. Also, people’s secret peeks at my body shape. I was frightened and ashamed. I didn’t utter these terrors out during my sexual growth, and I didn’t recognize that I did have these uncomfortable feelings hidden deep in my heart either.
It frightened me more when I sensed that I have similar behaviors. For example, I would unconsciously compare my body shape with others at many peeks, I would capture people’s sexual attraction by their voice tones. And I would be strongly attracted by some people’s body odor, rather than feeling disgusted. At this moment, I thought I am as primitive as an animal.
If I was an animal then I couldn’t come up with these observations in my words or in my utterances. I'm not an animal. I know that I was going through a critical period of accomplishing both my sexual and psychological maturities.
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我長大了，有副特徵。
我的身體，正在成長。
我的感覺，也在成熟，
這是一個漸變的過程。
————————————
性成長，呼應性學中「性化」的概念，即人類逐漸擁有生育能力的過程。也因為是一個過程，儘管初經或夢遺，身體並非已在最適合生育的狀態。那為什麼要從那麼早開始提？因為當身體開始變化時，我們才正在搞清楚、不適應，與性探索，也容易出現「他人探索我」的時機。
所以在這段時間裡，我必須完全清楚，是不是真的有人亂摸我。
性姐放 #umychang
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My body is getting mature, but my mind is still under training. Training for what?
For locating my feelings, my behaviors, and my attitudes.
Don’t watch me naked.
sexy_umy #sexgrowth #umychang
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性別
我談性別，只談我的性別。
我的性別是什麼呢？
我的性別，是他人認識我的方向。
我的性別，是我認同自己的方法。
我的性別，是我體認個人生命可能性的方式。
- 我的性愛觀
umychang #gender
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Genders
I only talk about my genders for they are the most familiar faces of mine.
My genders are
The ways you recognize me.
The ways I understand myself.
The ways I appreciate my identity.
- Warm Umy
umychang #gender
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為什麼我不再像早期創作那樣揮灑初心？
因為那些時光的內容與表現手法，是我同溫層所接受的語言，也是我穩固基礎人際的慣用模式。
沒有不好，就是我的認同框架。
然而現實是把刀刃，當自我困頓、懷疑、轉換時，我反責怪怦然初心應是年少天真。這才察覺，有一種提升內容延展性的方式，是放下心頭上的純真嚮往，忠於心底深處的樸質心境。
《3/28 作家的滿腔初衷》
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性本別。
終於，我們該來談談性別了。
先讓我去走走，搜集情報！
「性別流動是什麼？人會變形嗎？」「拜託，聽起來就是一直在變性呀，有夠變態。」
說實話，我也不懂。
但我的直覺是，一定超簡單，只是一個現象描述。我該怎麼做？
找找書籍雜誌網路常識，來拼出這個拼圖！我決定從正常人的角度出發！
等等，我本來就是正常人。
你也是吧？
- 性姐放
性姐放 #性別 #性 #人性
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About Gender.
Finally, it's time for us to talk about gender. Let me go around and gather information first!
"What is gender fluidity? Can human be transformed?" "Oh mine, it sounds like humans are all transsexuals. That’s insane." To be honest, until now, I haven’t come up with any answer, either.
But my intuition is that it must be super simple, just a normal description from a part of humanity.
How do I figure it out?
I am searching for books and magazines, Internet, and the common sense of me. I am putting together this puzzle named human gender.
I am sure I can conquer it. Why? Because I am a normal person, as you are.
- Sexy Umy
sexy_umy #gender #sexuality #humanity #umychang
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我以前常常覺得，我這種非常突然與直接的反差，或是說全然視角翻轉的思考，是一個非常詭異的行為。只有我會這樣，只有我在放棄跟我吵架的時候，我會突然覺得「原來這都沒有什麼！還有！天空好漂亮呀～～」這就是在我已經把自己逼到死角，覺得我太難過、很痛苦了，身體上有劇烈痛的感覺時，我會得到希望。而在書的第一章裡，我只是輕描淡寫地說，我在聽音樂吃東西喝咖啡時看到光，並且把這些細節與我的想像力串連成《性姐放》之前的早期創作。
實際上當我太過度自我要求時，我會有180度瞬間反轉。這不是我動情、發情、戀愛或太衝動的特殊狀態，這就是我這個人獨特的感動。
原來，當世界選擇越隱藏，我反而可以越坦白。
umy #sex #humanity #personality #depression #love #sexuality #menstruation #性姐放 #hurt #sensitive #psyche #highly_sensitive #synesthesia #empath #empathy #synesthete #relationship #sexeducation #female_period #male_period #umychang
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沒抓牢的我，不小心讓光線襲入視線。太敏感了！明明大雨滂沱，烏漆麻黑的天空，我卻一直看到水晶燈閃爍不止。
我常常這樣，在最難過、痛苦、生理上劇烈心痛。對！我懷疑是不是瀕死時，總是看到太刺激的亮點。有的時候我是一邊聽音樂的，有的時候我是一邊喝咖啡的，更多的時候我只是...在吃地瓜！
猜猜怎麼著？
我就把音樂、咖啡、食物，和明亮繽紛的光點，全~部~超~連~結！我還更過分。我把聲音和影像搭配起來，發揮獨特的「共感超能力」，還演了第一季的情慾片～
我呀…可真是適「性」發展。
是，完全是。這些情節，剛好和也讓我自己不小心動情了呢。
為什麼我動情了？
到底是？到底？？
是衝動？是感動！
以前說
「眾人皆醉我獨醒。」
現在說
「世界越隱藏，我越坦白。」
我是Umy，人與性的藝術家。性姐放第二季，還有好多話，很直接但是溫柔，繼續聽下去。
性姐放 #hurt #umychang #sensitive #psyche #highly_sensitive #synesthesia #empath #empathy #synesthete #relationship #sexeducation #female_period #male_period
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As I let go of my struggles, I relieve my fear and pressure. A dim light breaks free from my hour of trouble. I can even imagine rains as crystals shining in the sky. At that moment I found out my control over highly sensitivity: I am able to delight myself without a doubt.
——— Umy, Thoughts behind 《Sexy Umy》
umy#humanity #personality #sensitive #depression #menstruation #sex #sexuality #gender #sexy_umy #love #hurt #sensitive #psyche #highly_sensitive #synesthesia #empath #empathy #synesthete #relationship #sexeducation #female_period #male_period #umychang
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It is so cloudy, so blind, so quiet. No! So noisy! So loud! So bright! What’s going on here?
There is this dim light breaking free, free from our hour of trouble. „Too shining!“ „My eyes are aching“. I keep seeing these lights flickering, just like crystals. Why? Because I am super sensitive.
In my night, my painful night, with severe heartache… in which I wonder if I am dying, I am always attacked by these bright spots. At the moment, I listen to music, I drink coffee, or I just…have some sweets!
Guess what?
I connect all my feelings with the music I enjoy, the coffee I favor, the food I like, and those colorful light spots! Ah-ha!
It's really suitable for our beings. Hey, those plots also make me moved.
Why am I moved?
Too sexy? Too much.
There is an old Chinese saying that goes:
„Am I the only sober mind in the drunk world?“
Nope, now we should say:
"The more secret the world is, the more frank we are.“
Sexy Umy Season 2, I’ve got more things. Gentle but direct. Keep following.
sexy_umy #sensitive #umychang #psyche #highly_sensitive #synesthesia #empath #empathy #synesthete #relationship #sexeducation #female_period #male_period
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高敏感人與性
umy #sex #humanity #personality #depression #love #sexuality #menstruation #性姐放 #hurt #sensitive #psyche #highly_sensitive #synesthesia #empath #empathy #synesthete #relationship #sexeducation #female_period #male_period #umychang
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《性姐放》第一集：高敏感
我應該要對什麼時候的自己誠實？現在。就是現在。
「我太敏感，常常受傷。」
每個月發炎、狂流鮮血。一周前、三天前，我暴躁易怒，還耍憂鬱，拜託！血根本還沒流出來。然後是血流成河，累到爆炸、還曾翹班，痛得想跳樓，一個起身我直接暈眩，不誇張。那是小學五年級吧，課桌椅上都是血跡，初經沒多久的我，根本手足無措，男同學好奇又大叫，我一直想到，羞恥到了今天。
嘿！還有呢：「不可以進來。不可以去拜拜！都不可以喔。」
流血時，我升級超敏感族。
敏感到....以為我在說生理女？
我發覺，其實每個人都有月經。
我好痛。
我躺在床上，一雙手揍我、捏我、打我。我坐在地上，看到他被踹肚子，下面被抓去撞樹。我站在柱子後，有人在抓她頭髮，還潑水賞巴掌。我走在路上，一個人拖我到角落。我拿刀威脅3歲小孩。我把學弟抓起來，往外丟。我沒有朋友，下課沒有人跟我講話。我在房間捶牆壁、瘋狂罵，好沒用。
痛苦來時，我在黑洞的邊緣，請不要讓我墜落！我墜落了。
我以為我會死去，所以放手了！就這樣吧，我無能為力，好累。
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People all got there sensitive period during their life.
When I overhear „bullying“ from others’ conversations, I imagine myself watching a boy being kicked. A group of boys is playing the happy corner on the boy. A group of girls is splashing water on a girl in the toilet. These are things I have passed by in my childhood. I always hid before the pillar or tree to watch the whole bullies. I never rescued them at the moment. But I accompanied them when they turned out to be isolated in the class.
When writing this paragraph, I realized that I am so cautious about gender and humane issues.
umy#humanity #personality #sensitive #depression #menstruation #sex #sexuality #gender #sexy_umy #love #hurt #sensitive #psyche #highly_sensitive #synesthesia #empath #empathy #synesthete #relationship #sexeducation #female_period #male_period #umychang
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When should I be honest with myself?
Now. Just now.
"I am too sensitive. I am highly sensitive. I get hurt easily, every second I feel hurt.“
Once every month, I become weak, my body aches, and I am bleeding. A week before the bloodshed, or three days before, I feel terrible, I feel bad. Come on! The blood hasn't come out at all. Then my blood flows, like a torrent, like a rush river. Extremely tired I am that I even skip work, because it is too painful. „Kill me!“ I shout. No kidding. It was at the fifth grade in elementary school, when my period come for the first time. My blood stained all over the desk and chair. Boys were curious and yelled „Look! It’s blood!“. „What a shame!“ I cried inside.
„Hey! No entry. Don’t go to the temple! No way.“
When the blood bleeds, I become super sensitive.
Sensitive, only for females having period? Of course not. People are all sensitive. People all have periods.
I feel the pain.
I lie on the bed, someone is beating, pinching, and punching me. I sit on the ground, I am watching him being kicked and caught, a group of others are playing the happy corner. I stand behind the pillar, and someone is grabbing her hair, splashing water and slapping her. I walk on the road, he drags me to the dark corner. I threaten a 3-year-old child with a knife. I grab my junior in the school and throw him away. I have no friends, and no one will talk to me after class.
I am beating the wall and cursing wildly in my bedroom.
I am useless.
When I am down, I stand on the edge of the roof. It’s unsafe, it’s awful, it’s dark. „Don’t jump!“
I jump.
I let go, I turn to the darkness.
„Let it be.“ I can do, nothing.
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講這個詞的時候，我指的是英文中的Sexulality。從定義、字典、維基百科來看，這個詞會有太多面向，也就是將它放在不一樣的領域討論時，社會、人際、法律、教學等等的脈絡來看，會形成不一樣的「衝撞」，也成就人文中的火花或議題。
既然我們要講本質，應該拉回根本吧。這些與性互相衝撞的層面，生物心理社會文化，我先離開他們。最後只剩下我和性。
性的本質是？
她是我和身體，最原始的親密感。
umy #sex #humanity #personality #depression #love #sexuality #menstruation #性姐放 #hurt #sensitive #psyche #highly_sensitive #synesthesia #empath #empathy #synesthete #relationship #sexeducation #female_period #male_period #umychang
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性的本質
生物― 生理特徵與功能。
心理― 慾望與情感反應。
社會― 犯罪與法律規範。
文化― ？
我們對性的要！不要！
性姐放 #性的本質 #umychang
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The meaning of sexuality is flexible. Saying it flexible means that we can connect sexuality with a wide range of perspectives, like in society, relationships, education, and mental health. On the other hand, we can also narrow it down to its essence.
When using the word essence, there will be no objective views included. It stands for subjectivity, or say an individual, simply.
Therefore, sexuality means the closeness of me and my human being.
umy#humanity #personality #sensitive #depression #menstruation #sex #sexuality #gender #sexy_umy #umychang
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Sexuality
Biology: Sex organs and functions.
Psychology: Sexual desires and feelings.
Society: Crimes and regulations.
Culture: “What do we think about sex?“
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性
開始性姐放的寫作後，我也同時審視我對和性有關的名詞，有哪些想像與解釋。這麼做的用意其實是，我察覺只要講到性，我只會想到性愛影片、情色想像與黃色笑話。這對「性」這個字所包含的詞義想像，實在是太單薄了，也就是我無法為「性」這個詞勾勒豐富的詞彙網絡。
以語言觀察的角度，我對我的分析資料打抱不平，我對產出這樣的分析結果感到慚愧。於是我決定，從我的認知與觀察出發，給「性」這個詞豐富的詞彙搭配。
————
我說性是：
性向
性情
性格
性感
性別
那你呢？
- 我談性姐放
umy #sex #humanity #personality #depression #love #sexuality #menstruation #性姐放 #hurt #sensitive #psyche #highly_sensitive #synesthesia #empath #empathy #synesthete #relationship #sexeducation #female_period #male_period #umychang
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性
我自己的性是什麼？
我自己很清楚。
我自己怎麼看性別？
我自己很明白。
我自己會不會設限？
有時候會、有時不會
但不是別人替我設限
- 我說性姐放
性姐放 #性概念 #umychang
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Sex
It’s a Sexy term.
It recalls erotic arts.
It’s human behavior.
It colorizes humans.
And some named those colors Genders.
But I doubt it.
- Warm Umy
umy#humanity #personality #sensitive #depression #menstruation #sex #sexuality #gender #sexy_umy #umychang
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Sex
Sex is a term, is not just a term, is the key. A key to secrets.
Secrets are in Me.too. Secrets are not only there. Secrets are hidden in our minds when we feel afraid of sex.
- Sexy Umy
sexy_umy #sexology #umychang
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