In This Moment with Toby C: Recent Episodes
Imperial Recovery Media
In a world of over stimulation and insatiable entertainment, In This Moment offers a calming perspective on common modern-day realities and how to overcome FEAR—the chief activator of our inescapable emotional frailties. The program offers the emotionally wounded an opportunity to escape the calamities of life…if just for an hour…to momentarily pause the agitation…to be still…to breathe…to find some clarity and calm…to objectively look at what is happening to ourselves and those about us…and, to heal and to help others recover from emotional, physical, and spiritual pain. Host Toby C. aims to open the sufferer’s hearts and minds - allowing the reception of a mysterious, powerful, enduring, time-tested and proven alternative to destructive behavior. In This Moment is a paradigm shift in perception showing that you, or your loved one who is suffering, is FINALLY GOING TO GET BETTER and stay that way! How, you ask? By Trusting God, Cleaning House and Helping Others. In This Moment is a collection of powerful discussions and concealed within these hours of spoken word are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession… and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole. This program tackles countless topics involving the conquest over our powerful, addictive, and compulsive behaviors. With no call-ins and no guest appearances, this no-nonsense show instructs the sufferer on sustainable recovery through the power of autosuggestion and hypnosis. Timeless and universal gems of useful wisdom are deciphered from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and The 12 Steps & 12 Traditions. Come join us In This Moment with your host of the ghost, Toby C. Visit our website at www.ImperialRecoveryMedia.com
Are you a nervous wreck? Does it feel like your mind and spirit are constantly under the agitating attack of someone or something? It seems the more we try to “fix” ourselves in order to cope with these stressors, both sobriety and peace of mind still elude us. Of real happiness, we find none at all. Sound familiar? When we finally Trust God and Clean House in 12-Step recovery, we make profound discoveries of ourselves through self-examination, meditation, and prayer. Taken separately, these practices can bring much relief and benefit. But when they are logically related and interwoven, the result is an unshakable foundation for life. Helping others, in the spirit of anonymity, is the foundation stone of our recovery ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
A spot-check inventory taken in the midst of such disturbances can be of very great help in quieting stormy emotions. We can look the world in the eye. The outlines and the promise of the New Land had brought lustre to tired eyes and fresh courage to flagging spirits. Our eyes begin to open to the immense values which have come straight out of painful ego-puncturing.
To watch the eyes of men and women open with wonder as they move from darkness into light, to see their lives quickly fill with new purpose and meaning, to see whole families reassembled, to see the alcoholic outcast received back into his community in full citizenship, and above all to watch these people awaken to the presence of a loving God in their lives -- these things are the substance of what we receive as we carry A.A.'s message to the next alcoholic.
Let us look now upon the sea and ponder what its mystery is; and let us lift our eyes to the far horizon, beyond which we shall seek all those wonders still unseen.
We shall need to raise our eyes toward perfection, and be ready to walk in that direction.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Did you know?... It’s not a matter of if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game. There are those who seem to be winning at the game of life. Those of us who don’t often end up in recovery. One of the answers to the riddle of a happy and content sober life is undoubtedly the OPEN MIND. Once we’ve hit our “bottom,” we can become as OPEN MINDED to conviction and as willing to listen as only the dying can be. Driven to recovery by the gift of desperation, we finally clean house and obtain a clear recognition of our fear driven and NARROWMINDED behavior that keeps us in conflict with others and with ourselves. Trust God, Clean House and Open your Mind and start “winning” at the game of life!
We can be the ones who take on the unspectacular but important tasks that make good Twelfth Step work possible, perhaps arranging for the coffee and cake after the meetings, where so many skeptical, suspicious newcomers have found confidence and comfort in the laughter and talk. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted -- to understand, than to be understood -- to love, than to be loved. At these critical moments, if we remind ourselves that "it is better to comfort than to be comforted, to understand than to be understood, to love than to be loved," we will be following the intent of Step Eleven.
He thought it better to give comfort than to receive it; better to understand than to be understood; better to forgive than to be forgiven.
We hope this volume will inform and comfort those who are, or who may be affected.
Can we transform these calamities into assets, sources of growth and comfort to ourselves and those about us?
And we will be comforted and assured that our own destiny in that realm will be secure for so long as we try, however falteringly, to find and do the will of our own Creator.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
What is sin? In recovery, many of us discover that sin is simply a measure of a character defects and it’s these character defects that depart us from healthy relationships with others and ourselves. The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear. When things don’t go our way, we act out to the detriment of all concerned. One of the best ways to overcome sin is to be vigilant in our discernment between right and wrong. Cleaning house in the 12-Step method of recovery offers the sufferer a chance to identify patterns of sinful behavior including something called the “shame cycle.” For many of us in recovery, the drunk starts long before the first drink. In order to avoid sin, maybe the name of the game is to stay away from shame and shameful, sinful behavior.
In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done." Many of us also like the experience of an occasional retreat from the outside world where we can quiet down for an undisturbed day or so of self-overhaul and meditation. Returning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour, carefully reviewing what we have done. A quiet, objective view will be our steadfast aim.
Theirs is the quiet opinion, the sure knowledge and humble example that resolve a crisis.
The generous response of most people to such quiet sincerity will often astonish us.
We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it.
A spot-check inventory taken in the midst of such disturbances can be of very great help in quieting stormy emotions.
I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me.
We rest quietly with the thoughts of someone who knows, so that we may experience and learn.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Maybe the name of the game is to stay away from shame. Selfishness, Self-Centeredness, that we think is the root of our problems. In the midst of our instinctual drives for more security or love than is due to us, we step on the toes of others – they in turn retaliate – and we don’t understand why! This shame cycle, this bondage of self, drives many of us to destructive addictions and other risky deadly behavior. We are the bewildered ones. In 12-Step recovery, when we clean house and calm down, many of us discover that those who mistreat us were often irritable, restless and discontent too. Love and tolerance of others is our code. Recovery allows us to be mindful of our instinctual natures while we nurture healthy relationships with others – free of shame.
In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done." Good judgment will suggest that we ought to take our time. Such a radical change in our outlook will take time, maybe a lot of time. I simply had to believe in a Spirit of the Universe, who knew neither time nor limitation. I was to know happiness, peace, and usefulness, in a way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes.
Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration.
For by this time sanity will have returned.
In time they will see that he is a new man and in their own way they will let him know it.
It will take time to clear away the wreck.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
The crux of the RELAPSE lies within the mental states that precede the RELAPSE. This mental state is called our emotions. Sick, unhealthy emotions are called a drunk. Left unchecked by anger, boredom, and the like, this soul sickness can sabotage our precarious sobriety. Of real happiness we shall find none at all. It’s called a dry drunk. When we finally Trusted God and Cleaned House in the 12-Step method of recovery, we had to stop fighting. Many of us got all the answers to “why” and we found peace. We’d been given a daily reprieve from the RELAPSE contingent upon the maintenance of this peace. Our emotions healed. This determined self-destruction was lifted right out of us… and in this moment, we escaped relapse.
Results are tranquillity and consciousness of God. As the pain subsides, a healing tranquillity takes its place. A tranquil mood is the first requisite for good judgment.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
We are all perfectionists, who, failing perfection, have gone to the other extreme and settled for the bottle and a blackout. Perfectionism drives us blindly and we willfully demand that others supply us with more satisfactions or pleasures than are possible or due us. There comes a point in our insecurities, at which we depart from the degree of perfection that God wishes for us here on earth. Maybe it’s time to give ourselves and others a “break.” No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Most alcoholics are bankrupt idealists. The real “ideal” is the perfection of God and we shall need to raise our eyes toward THAT perfection, and be ready to walk in THAT direction.
Yet in ancient times material progress was painfully slow. They wanted to say that liquor should be enjoyed, not misused; hard drinkers ought to slow down, and problem drinkers -- alcoholics -- should not drink at all.
Some of us grow into it more slowly.
They are being fulfilled among us -- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
In country after country where the A.A. seed was planted, it has taken root, slowly at first, then growing by leaps and bounds when literature has become available.
We could perceive them quickly in others, but only slowly in ourselves.
But in A.A. we slowly learned that something had to be done about our vengeful resentments, self-pity, and unwarranted pride.
Most of our experiences are what the psychologist William James calls the "educational variety" because they develop slowly over a period of time.
As beginners in meditation, we might now reread this prayer several times very slowly, savoring every word and trying to take in the deep meaning of each phrase and idea.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
One of today’s great mindfulness quotes is following: “The rarest and purest form of generosity is to pay attention to someone.” What they might be saying is the act of paying attention to someone, with no expectations and without judgement is really called unconditional love. In recovery, when we clean house, we learn the spiritual principle of HUMILITY which is the practice of “paying attention” to someone else in recovery. It’s called sponsorship, and it gives many of us a daily reprieve from the bondage of self. Trust God, Clean House and, in order to stay that way, don’t forget to Help Others by paying attention to them.
Many less desperate alcoholics tried A.A., but did not succeed because they could not make the admission of hopelessness. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion then ever. He was ambitious to succeed in business, but saw that he would get nowhere if he drank at all.
We know these suggestions are sometimes difficult to follow, but you will save many a heartbreak if you can succeed in observing them.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Knowledge is power. So why can’t those in recovery, who obtain a profound knowledge of themselves and others, stay sober? Surely this was the answer - self-knowledge. But it wasn’t, was it. Psychiatrists and psychologists point out the deep need every human being has for practical insight and knowledge of one’s own personality flaws. Having thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how, with this newfound knowledge, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know. Most importantly, we must share our testimony and this gift of knowledge with all who can use it because we are problem people who have found a way to overcome our problems one day at a time.
There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. We enjoy moments in which there is something like real peace of mind. Most of them give freely of themselves, that their fellows may enjoy sound minds and bodies. We absolutely insist on enjoying life.
We A.A.'s are active folk, enjoying the satisfactions of dealing with the realities of life, usually for the first time in our lives, and strenuously trying to help the next alcoholic who comes along.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Are you a prisoner to negative thinking or negative thoughts of others? Did you know the moment we say, "No, never!" our minds close against the grace of God? For those of us who successfully “clean house” in 12-Step recovery, we get a chance to alter our perception of the world around us by developing and maintaining a healthy imagination. Imagination is a close cousin to something called FAITH. This adventure into open-mindedness endeavors us a peek at a wonderous place where things occur that defy all logic and scientific proof. Some refer to this phenomenon as THE FOURTH DIMENSION. Only God could and would if he were sought and this portal through the calm objective mind is precisely where you may find HIM now!
Disillusionment and helplessness are his lot. Having reduced us to a state of absolute helplessness, you now declare that none but a Higher Power can remove our obsession. Several of our crowd, men of thirty or less, had been drinking only a few years, but they found themselves as helpless as those who had been drinking twenty years. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
So many want to stop but cannot. The idea that somehow, someday we can control and enjoy our indulgences is the great obsession of every sufferer. At a certain point, many of us pass into a state where the most powerful desire to stop is of absolutely no avail. What can we do to halt this mental obsession so subtly powerful that no amount of human willpower could break it? One of the best ways to break out of this personal prison is through the portals of the open-mind or better yet the IMAGINATION. Trust God, Clean House and IMAGINE yourself getting better and staying that way. Maybe the problem all along has been our total inability to point our imagination toward the right objectives.
In our own times, we have seen millions die in political and economic wars often spurred by religious and racial difference. Many of us who had thought ourselves religious awoke to the limitations of this attitude. We could actually have earnest religious beliefs which remained barren because we were still trying to play God ourselves. Why lay ourselves open to being branded fanatics or religious bores? Though we have no religious connection, we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion.
Here we find human opinions running to extremes -- absurd extremes, perhaps.
The charting of a safe path between these extremes took a long time.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Many of us were stuck at a place called the BOTTOM. Our extremely self-destructive behavior simply would not yield. Our doom seemed imminent. Our terminal uniqueness, our loneliness and fears that live in the narrow-mind of SELF consciousness may be nothing more than pointing our imagination towards wrong self-centered objectives. Perhaps the real trouble was our almost total inability to point our imagination towards the right objectives. GOOD IMAGINATION starts the moment we start to pay attention to others with healthy and balanced motives. With an open-mind and a healthy imagination, backed by good motives, we protect ourselves from the sickness of others. Imagine this: Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world no matter what your present circumstances.
Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. Again it was the old, insidious insanity -- that first drink. I rather appreciated your ideas about the subtle insanity which precedes the first drink, but I was confident it could not happen to me after what I had learned. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. We, who have recovered from serious drinking, are miracles of mental health.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Question: What exactly is HUMILITY? Answer: Putting God first. How simple is that. I don’t know about you, but I practice humility by TRYING to place the well-being of those about me first. It’s not easy. I have a lifetime of practicing placing me first – after all, I was born a survivalist. In 12-Step recovery, we discover that “By our refusal to place Him first, we deprived ourselves of His help." TRYING to place the well-being of those about us first is about changing our message from “How can I help me?" to “How can I help Thee?" It’s a way of placing our common welfare first. This act of unity is a way of placing spiritual growth first. Paying attention with love and tolerance of others all the while being mindful of their interests and agonies is an act of trying to place God first. Practice humility… “and all good things will come unto you." Give it a try. It works!
Now that we're in A.A. and sober, and winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with? Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
“There are those of us who are constitutionally incapable of being honest." “They seem to have been born that way." What are they really talking about? Maybe this incapacity for honesty is really a description of the agitated human psyche - a soul sickness, if you will. So, how exactly does one get honest? Some of us lucky ones finally hit bottom - and if we’re lucky we didn’t injure or kill anyone along the way. It’s here at the bottom, busted, disgusted and untrusted that we become open-minded to our disease. It is here that many of us can surrender, stop fighting and faithfully put our hand in the hand of another man and CLEAN HOUSE and we get all the answers to WHY. It’s when our mind and our spirits are calm that we can clearly distinguish right from wrong behavior. We have become honest. Ah…Honesty….
But today, in well-matured A.A.'s, these distorted drives have been restored to something like their true purpose and direction. The chances are he will not for, like yourself, he is just beginning his development.
This, of course, is the process by which instinct and logic always seek to bolster egotism, and so frustrate spiritual development.
It is worth noting that people of very high spiritual development almost always insist on checking with friends or spiritual advisers the guidance they feel they have received from God.
Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint.
It is a step in the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive God's help.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Self Consciousness - Many of us who end up in recovery discover that what we were really having was an identity crisis. We were terrified about what people thought of us, or worse yet, went to the other extreme and were wreckless and ambivalent in our relationships with others. God Consciousness - At the bottom of our existence, many of us come to learn that deep down inside us was and continues to be a God of our understanding Who is always there. We had to hit bottom in order to finally open the door and let Him enter us in order to for us to break free of the bondage of self. It is in this moment that we surrender our SELF to Him and we become God conscious. The idea of recovery is to move further away from self-consciousness…
Life is full of personal demons. Recovery gives us a fighting chance, with the assistance from a power greater than ourselves, to perform nothing short of an exorcism. The fact was we really hadn't cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel our destructive obsessions. Now these are about to be cast out. When we stood ready to do anything to lift the merciless obsession, the drive to drink was lifted right out of us. One of the best ways to keep your demon under control is to be healthy in mind, body and spirit so you, someone who has recovered and who carries a good message, can be helpful to another suffering friend in vacating the demon from the house of their soul too.
Are you cut off from your feelings? Are you out of touch? Maybe you’re denying yourself to feel – because the emotional pain is just too unbearable. We can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial. Worse yet, denial can be so powerful that it can trick the sufferer into destructive drinking and other addictions. Recovery enables the sufferer to reconnect to one’s feelings safely and with knowledge. When we really clean house, and calm down, we get all the answers to WHY. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. Many of us get a daily reprieve from this illusion and ignorance contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Denial…
By now, he has become convinced that he has more problems than alcohol, and that some of these problems refuse to be solved by all the sheer personal determination and courage he can muster. His lone courage and unaided will cannot do it. The courage to do battle was not there. In recovery, the promise of hope and enduring recovery brought luster to tired eyes and fresh courage to flagging spirits. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence -- these are the qualities we shall acquire when we recover. Finally, we are given the gift of serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Scratch a drunk or a drug addict and a CODEPENDENT bleeds. Do we even really know what CODEPENDENCE is and all of its destructiveness? No… Codependence is a deeply rooted, compulsive behavior. It is born out of our sometimes moderately, sometimes extremely dysfunctional family systems. We attempted to use others as our sole source of identity, value, well-being, and as a way of trying to restore our emotional losses. Our histories may include other powerful addictions which we have used to cope with our codependency. We gather-together, to support and share with each other, in a journey of self-discovery - learning to love the self. We have all learned to survive life, but in 12-Step recovery, we are finally learning to live life.
Did you know?… So many of us who slip into old behavior and relapse are simple victims of boredom. Boredom leads to risky behavior which leads to shameful acts which leads to shame - and shame is an emotional drunk – and in time … and in time we get loaded. Paying attention to others in recovery can be a fascinating adventure. To watch some suffering soul miraculously heal - and to know that the time and attention you invested made it possible will produce an indescribable joy. These legacies of suffering and of recovery are easily passed among us in the kinship of common suffering – and if you stick around long enough… it’s INTERESTING!
There is an ambush predator lurking in the dark corners of our soul. It’s called BOREDOM. Left unchecked, this boredom will make your life and your fragile sobriety unmanageable. An Idle mind is the devil’s playground. The solution to boredom is passion. Whatever we’re doing – we have to make it interesting! Love and tolerance of others is our code – and after that comes strategy! What is going to be your strategy for making sobriety and life INTERESTING? With an engaged and open mind towards others, we begin to develop something called PASSION. It’s this passion that gives the soul a compelling and overwhelming reason to continue healing instead of dying.
Our actor is self-centered -- ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. A whole lifetime geared to self-centeredness cannot be set in reverse all at once.
Disagreeable or unexpected problems are not the only ones that call for self-control.
If all our lives we had more or less fooled ourselves, how could we now be so sure that we weren't still self-deceived?
Some will become quite annoyed if there is talk about immorality, let alone sin.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Prayer is the raising of the heart and mind to God -- and in this sense it includes meditation. Modem-to-modem or face-to-face, A.A.'s speak the language of the heart in all its power and simplicity.
We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know Him better.
His change of heart was dramatic, convincing, and moving.
At heart we had all been abnormally fearful.
Here was something at work in a human heart which had done the impossible.
True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith, and every A.A. meeting is an assurance that God will restore us to sanity if we rightly relate ourselves to Him.
Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions.
Then, and only then, do we become as open-minded to conviction and as willing to listen as the dying can be.
If we would gain any real advantage in the use of this Step on problems other than alcohol, we shall need to make a brand new venture into open-mindedness.
The persistent use of meditation and prayer, we found, did open the channel so that where there had been a trickle, there now was a river which led to sure power and safe guidance from God as we were increasingly better able to understand Him.
If our manner is calm, frank, and open, we will be gratified with the result.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
There is only one key, and it is called willingness. Though self-will may slam it shut again, as it frequently does, it will always respond the moment we again pick up the key of willingness.
All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness.
He goes on to explain that any person capable of enough willingness and honesty to try repeatedly Step Six on all his faults -- without any reservations whatever -- has indeed come a long way spiritually, and is therefore entitled to be called a man who is sincerely trying to grow in the image and likeness of his own Creator.
We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable.
This required great willingness even to begin.
Already a willingness has been achieved to cast out one's own will and one's own ideas about the alcohol problem in favor of those suggested by A.A.
Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were the essential requirements.
Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery.
Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend.
Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open, we find that we can always open it some more.
Once unlocked by willingness, the door opens almost of itself, and looking through it, we shall see a pathway beside which is an inscription.
In all these situations we need self-restraint, honest analysis of what is involved, a willingness to admit when the fault is ours, and an equal willingness to forgive when the fault is elsewhere.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
co·de·pend·en·cy noun excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction. "the tie that binds most of us together in this trap called codependency" Like our professional friends, we, too, are aware that there are wrong forms of dependence. Even when our fortunes had not ebbed that much and we nevertheless found ourselves alone in the world, we still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy kind of domination or dependence.
This very form of faulty dependence has caused many a rebellious alcoholic to conclude that dependence of any sort must be intolerably damaging.
Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job -- wife or no wife -- we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Most of us sense that real tolerance of other people's shortcomings and viewpoints and a respect for their opinions are attitudes which make us more useful to others. Though ex-drinkers, we still thought we had to hide from public distrust and contempt.
I could almost hear the sound of the preacher's voice as I sat, on still Sundays, way over there on the hillside; there was that proffered temperance pledge I never signed; my grandfather's good natured contempt of some church folk and their doings; his insistence that the spheres really had their music; but his denial of the preacher's right to tell him how he must listen; his fearlessness as he spoke of these things just before he died; these recollections welled up from the past.
"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance -- that principle is contempt prior to investigation." -- Herbert Spencer
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
No matter who you are, no matter how low you've gone, no matter how grave your emotional complications -- even your crimes -- we still can't deny you A.A. Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness.
By discovering what our emotional deformities are, we can move toward their correction.
No adult man or woman, for example, should be in too much emotional dependence upon a parent.
They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements.
If at these points our emotional disturbance happens to be great, we will more surely keep our balance, provided we remember, and repeat to ourselves, a particular prayer or phrase that has appealed to us in our reading or meditation.
In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done."
These emotional "dry benders" often led straight to the bottle.
No individuals have been more buffeted by such emotional gusts than those A.A.'s bold enough to accept employment with outside agencies dealing with the alcohol problem.
They need to be as sure as possible that no deep-lying emotional handicap in either will be likely to rise up under later pressures to cripple them.
That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday's and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotion -- anger, fear, jealousy, and the like.
In many instances we shall find that though the harm done others has not been great, the emotional harm we have done ourselves has.
But the moment our mental or emotional independence is in question, how differently we behave.
Common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression.
The most common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression.
Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear. Early intolerance based on fear.
So false pride became the reverse side of that ruinous coin marked "Fear."
If all those rules had been in effect everywhere, nobody could have possibly joined A.A. at all, so great was the sum of our anxiety and fear.
All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right.
And this they did find, in measure to transcend all the defects of their frail craft, every test of uncertainty, pain, fear, and despair, and even the death of one.
We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be.
Both his pride and his fear beat him back every time he tries to look within himself.
We have drunk to drown feelings of fear, frustration, and depression.
Just saying it over and over will often enable us to clear a channel choked up with anger, fear, frustration, or misunderstanding, and permit us to return to the surest help of all -- our search for God's will, not our own, in the moment of stress.
That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday's and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotion -- anger, fear, jealousy, and the like.
Unreasonable fear that our instincts will not be satisfied drives us to covet the possessions of others, to lust for sex and power, to become angry when our instinctive demands are threatened, to be envious when the ambitions of others seem to be realized while ours are not.
The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear -- primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.
After all, isn't fear the true basis of intolerance?
They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves.
We found that freedom from fear was more important than freedom from want.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we shall seek. While grateful that he drinks no more, they may not like the idea that God has accomplished the miracle where they failed.
We were grateful that Reason had brought us so far.
This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him who presides over us all.
It is a most wonderful blessing to be relieved of the terrible curse with which I was afflicted.
When resentful thoughts come, try to pause and count your blessings.
Having so considered our day, not omitting to take due note of things well done, and having searched our hearts with neither fear nor favor, we can truly thank God for the blessings we have received and sleep in good conscience.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
It reminds us that we are to place principles before personalities; that we are actually to practice a genuine humility. Failure and misery transformed by humility.
In all these strivings, so many of them well-intentioned, our crippling handicap had been our lack of humility.
Even the chief architect, standing in the ruins of his dream, could laugh at himself -- and that is the very acme of humility.
That basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do God's will, was missing.
Another great dividend we may expect from confiding our defects to another human being is humility -- a word often misunderstood.
True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith, and every A.A. meeting is an assurance that God will restore us to sanity if we rightly relate ourselves to Him.
By their example they showed us that humility and intellect could be compatible, provided we placed humility first.
And when humility and serenity are so combined, something else of great moment is apt to occur.
We may still have no very high opinion of humility as a desirable personal virtue, but we do recognize it as a necessary aid to our survival.
So it is that we first see humility as a necessity.
Many people haven't even a nodding acquaintance with humility as a way of life.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Often it was while working on this Step with our sponsors or spiritual advisers that we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us. What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind.
After all, your family is reunited, alcohol is no longer a problem and you and your husband are working together toward an undreamed-of future.
When working with a man and his family, you should take care not to participate in their quarrels.
For years we have been working with alcoholics committed to institutions.
But working with him may do something for you, so why don't you have a go at it?
In the chapter "Working With Others" you gathered an idea of how we approach and aid others to health.
Readiness to take consequences of our past and to take responsibility for well-being of others is spirit of Step Nine.
Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery.
In partnership with others -- women and men -- they can devote themselves to any number of ideas, people, and constructive projects.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
How can they rise out of such misery, bad repute and hopelessness? Many less desperate alcoholics tried A.A., but did not succeed because they could not make the admission of hopelessness.
But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.
But you may talk to him about the hopelessness of alcoholism because you offer a solution.
One of these men, staff member of a world-renowned hospital, recently made this statement to some of us: "What you say about the general hopelessness of the average alcoholic's plight is, in my opinion, correct.”
I bore down hard on the hopelessness of the drunk's dilemma.
The remorse, horror and hopelessness of the next morning are unforgettable.
But when the broker gave him Dr. Silkworth's description of alcoholism and its hopelessness, the physician began to pursue the spiritual remedy for his malady with a willingness he had never before been able to muster.
We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men.
In desperation, we have even got tight ourselves -- the drunk to end all drunks.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could.
He told how he lived in constant worry about those who might find out about his alcoholism.
When we do that, we find it solves our problems too; the ensuing lack of fear, worry and hurt feelings is a wonderful thing.
They experienced a few distressing failures, but in those cases they made an effort to bring the man's family into a spiritual way of living, thus relieving much worry and suffering.
The most common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression.
In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like.
If your husband is a drinker, you probably worry over what other people are thinking and you hate to meet your friends.
But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others.
We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.
It seems plain that the grace of God will not enter to expel our destructive obsessions until we are willing to try this.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Too much guilt and remorse might cause us to dramatize and exaggerate our shortcomings. If temperamentally we are on the depressive side, we are apt to be swamped with guilt and self-loathing.
This feeling of being at one with God and man, this emerging from isolation through the open and honest sharing of our terrible burden of guilt, brings us to a resting place where we may prepare ourselves for the following Steps toward a full and meaningful sobriety.
Misguided moral inventory can result in guilt, grandiosity, or blaming others.
We have drunk to escape the guilt of passions, and then have drunk again to make more passions possible.
Did I burn with a guilt that nothing could extinguish?
Our friend is still victimized by remorse and guilt when he thinks of yesterday.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. Perhaps our trouble was not that we used our imagination.
There's nothing the matter with constructive imagination; all sound achievement rests upon it.
When such thoughts break in, we might recall, a little ruefully, how much store we used to set by imagination as it tried to create reality out of bottles.
In imagination the gleaming center was to go up several stories more, but three would do for a start.
Perhaps the real trouble was our almost total inability to point imagination toward the right objectives.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Recognition of difference between striving for objective -- and perfection.
We shall look for progress, not for perfection.
We shall need to raise our eyes toward perfection, and be ready to walk in that direction.
Therefore, it seems plain that few of us can quickly or easily become ready to aim at spiritual and moral perfection; we want to settle for only as much perfection as will get us by in life, according, of course, to our various and sundry ideas of what will get us by.
Sure, I'll head toward perfection, but I'm certainly not going to hurry any.
We are all perfectionists who, failing perfection, have gone to the other extreme and settled for the bottle and the blackout.
When they drive us blindly, or we willfully demand that they supply us with more satisfactions or pleasures than are possible or due us, that is the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection that God wishes for us here on earth.
Therefore, it seems plain that few of us can quickly or easily become ready to aim at spiritual and moral perfection; we want to settle for only as much perfection as will get us by in life, according, of course, to our various and sundry ideas of what will get us by.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
It seems plain that the grace of God will not enter to expel our destructive obsessions until we are willing to try this. The fact was we really hadn't cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession.
A.A.'s Twelve Steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole.
As they are humbled by the terrific beating administered by alcohol, the grace of God can enter them and expel their obsession.
Already a willingness has been achieved to cast out one's own will and one's own ideas about the alcohol problem in favor of those suggested by A.A.
After satisfying yourself that your man wants to recover and that he will go to any extreme to do so, you may suggest a definite course of action.
Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.
But insist that if he is severely afflicted, there may be little chance he can recover by himself.
If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself.
Now about health: A body badly burned by alcohol does not often recover overnight nor do twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling.
Most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience can recover, provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts.
Though it was not our intention to create such an impression, many alcoholics have nevertheless concluded that in order to recover they must acquire an immediate and overwhelming "God-consciousness" followed at once by a vast change in feeling and outlook.
To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends -- this is an experience you must not miss.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
The violation in these instances was not professionalism at all; it was breaking anonymity. They were genuinely baffled by our insistence upon anonymity.
Eleven -- Our relations with the general public should be characterized by personal anonymity.
At this altitude (press, radio, films, and television), anonymity -- 100 percent anonymity -- was the only possible answer.
The Foundation(*) wrote letters to practically every news outlet in North America, setting forth our public relations policy of attraction rather than promotion, and emphasizing personal anonymity as A.A.'s greatest protection.
But that wasn't the whole story, for in this case not only was an A.A. member to break his anonymity at a public level, he was to link the name Alcoholics Anonymous to this particular educational project in the minds of millions.
Tradition Eleven -- "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films."
One hundred percent anonymity at the public level.
At one point, about a hundred of our Society were breaking anonymity at the public level.
Personal anonymity at the public level is the cornerstone of our public relations policy.
It is significant, now that almost no A.A. in our Fellowship breaks anonymity at the public level, that nearly all these fears have subsided.
Twelve -- And finally, we of Alcoholics Anonymous believe that the principle of anonymity has an immense spiritual significance.
Anonymity is real humility.
These experiences taught us that anonymity is real humility at work.
The spiritual substance of anonymity is sacrifice.
Because A.A.'s Twelve Traditions repeatedly ask us to give up personal desires for the common good, we realize that the sacrificial spirit -- well symbolized by anonymity -- is the foundation of them all.
We are sure that humility, expressed by anonymity, is the greatest safeguard that Alcoholics Anonymous can ever have.
Tradition Twelve -- "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."
"Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."
There was actually a time when the press of America thought the anonymity of A.A. was better for us than some of our own members did.
Since that time, editors and rewrite men have repeatedly deleted names and pictures of members from A.A. copy; frequently, they have reminded ambitious individuals of A.A.'s anonymity policy.
As the A.A. groups multiplied, so did anonymity problems.
When such stories got into circulation outside of A.A., the loss of confidence in our anonymity promise was severe.
Though not in the strict letter of anonymity, such communications were well within its spirit.
Unthinkingly, A.A.'s so employed recklessly broke anonymity to thump the tub for their pet enterprise.
With perfectly good intent, these folks declared that the principle of anonymity was horse-and-buggy stuff, something appropriate to A.A.'s pioneering days.
Provided anonymity was maintained on these platforms, and reporters present were cautioned against the use of names or pictures, the result was fine.
But in the beginning, anonymity was not born of confidence; it was the child of our early fears.
At this altitude (press, radio, films, and television), anonymity -- 100 percent anonymity -- was the only possible answer.
Moved by the spirit of anonymity, we try to give up our natural desires for personal distinction as A.A. members both among fellow alcoholics and before the general public.
Between these lines, it is easy to read our fear that large numbers of incoming people might break our anonymity wide open.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve...
He also wanted to tell others who had tried to help him -- his doctor, his minister, and close friends. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one's priest, minister, or rabbi.
He may bring new hope and new courage to many a priest, minister, or rabbi, who gives his all to minister to our troubled world.
He may bring new hope and new courage to many a priest, minister, or rabbi, who gives his all to minister to our troubled world.
We may kill a future opportunity to carry a beneficial message.
Maybe we are doing fine on only two of them, the First Step and that part of the Twelfth where we "carry the message."
Neither he nor anybody else can survive unless he carries the A.A. message.
As the message of recovery has reached larger numbers of people, it has also touched the lives of a vastly greater variety of suffering alcoholics.
While our literature has preserved the integrity of the A.A. message, sweeping changes in society as a whole are reflected in new customs and practices within the Fellowship.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Each group has but one primary purpose -- to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Lord, make me a channel of thy peace -- that where there is hatred, I may bring love -- that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness -- that where there is discord, I may bring harmony -- that where there is error, I may bring truth -- that where there is doubt, I may bring faith -- that where there is despair, I may bring hope -- that where there are shadows, I may bring light -- that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up.
It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents -- anyone can increase the list. Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
This established identification with alcoholic readers and proved to them that the virtually impossible had now become possible. It meant destruction of self-centeredness.
Selfishness -- self-centeredness!
A whole lifetime geared to self-centeredness cannot be set in reverse all at once.
Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power.
We had approached A.A. expecting to be taught self-confidence.
Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
The spectacle of years of waste threw us into panic. His financial insecurity worries him sick, and panic takes over when he thinks of all the bridges to safety that alcohol burned behind him.
If all those rules had been in effect everywhere, nobody could have possibly joined A.A. at all, so great was the sum of our anxiety and fear.
Questioning directed to this end might run like this: Looking at both past and present, what sex situations have caused me anxiety, bitterness, frustration, or depression?
To those of us who have hitherto known only excitement, depression, or anxiety -- in other words, to all of us -- this newfound peace is a priceless gift.
They will tell how they tried to carry the load alone; how much they suffered of irritability, anxiety, remorse, and depression; and how, unconsciously seeking relief, they would sometimes accuse even their best friends of the very character defects they themselves were trying to conceal.
As their grief and anxiety wear away, a subtle change begins.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Self-righteousness, the very thing that we had contemptuously condemned in others, was our own besetting evil. Even the charitably disposed described them as "a necessary evil."
It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Too much guilt and remorse might cause us to dramatize and exaggerate our shortcomings. If temperamentally we are on the depressive side, we are apt to be swamped with guilt and self-loathing.
This feeling of being at one with God and man, this emerging from isolation through the open and honest sharing of our terrible burden of guilt, brings us to a resting place where we may prepare ourselves for the following Steps toward a full and meaningful sobriety.
Misguided moral inventory can result in guilt, grandiosity, or blaming others.
We have drunk to escape the guilt of passions, and then have drunk again to make more passions possible.
Did I burn with a guilt that nothing could extinguish?
Our friend is still victimized by remorse and guilt when he thinks of yesterday.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
As soon as we begin to feel confident in our new way of life and have begun, by our behavior and example, to convince those about us that we are indeed changing for the better, it is usually safe to talk in complete frankness with those who have been seriously affected, even those who may be only a little or not at all aware of what we have done to them. The basic principles of A.A., as they are known today, were borrowed mainly from the fields of religion and medicine, though some ideas upon which success finally depended were the result of noting the behavior and needs of the Fellowship itself. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us.
Get an idea of his behavior, his problems, his background, the seriousness of his condition, and his religious leanings.
My incredible behavior in the face of a desperate desire to stop was explained.
Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking.
If the family will appreciate that dad's current behavior is but a phase of his development, all will be well.
Our present anxieties and troubles, we cry, are caused by the behavior of other people -- people who really need a moral inventory.
Or, if my disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do I lack the ability to accept conditions I cannot change?
This is by no means a comprehensive picture of the true alcoholic, as our behavior patterns vary.
Also of importance for most alcoholics are the questions they must ask about their behavior respecting financial and emotional security.
As to our grandiose behavior, we insisted that we had been possessed of nothing but a high and legitimate ambition to win the battle of life.
Moreover, it is usually a fact that our behavior when drinking has aggravated the defects of others.
Yet no alcoholic, soberly analyzing his destructive behavior, whether the destruction fell on the dining-room furniture or his own moral fiber, can claim "soundness of mind" for himself.
Then, for good measure, we add dramatic descriptions of that part of our drinking behavior which our friends probably know about anyhow.
Our behavior will convince them more than our words.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
"What is humility? What can it mean to us? The avenue to true freedom of the human spirit. Necessary aid to survival. Value of ego-puncturing. Failure and misery transformed by humility. Strength from weakness. Pain is the admission price to new life. Self-centered fear chief activator of defects. Step Seven is change in attitude which permits us to move out of ourselves toward God". "Indeed, the attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of A.A.'s Twelve Steps. For without some degree of humility, no alcoholic can stay sober at all. Nearly all A.A.'s have found, too, that unless they develop much more of this precious quality than may be required just for sobriety, they still haven't much chance of becoming truly happy. Without it, they cannot live to much useful purpose, or, in adversity, be able to summon the faith that can meet any emergency". "We could actually have earnest religious beliefs which remained barren because we were still trying to play God ourselves. As long as we placed self-reliance first, a genuine reliance upon a Higher Power was out of the question. That basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do God's will, was missing". “…humility and intellect could be compatible, provided we placed humility first. When we began to do that, we received the gift of faith, a faith which works. This faith is for you, too.”
“When we encountered A.A,, the fallacy of our defiance was revealed. At no time had we asked what God's will was for us; instead we had been telling Him what it ought to be. No man, we saw, could believe in God and defy Him, too. Belief meant reliance, not; defiance. We soon concluded that whatever price in humility we must pay, we would pay.”
"Therefore, Step Two is the rallying point for all of us. Whether agnostic, atheist, or former believer, we can stand together on this Step. True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith, and every A.A, meeting is an assurance that God will restore us to sanity if we rightly relate ourselves to Him".
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
A.A.'s Twelve Steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole. The fact was we really hadn't cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession. It seems plain that the grace of God will not enter to expel our destructive obsessions until we are willing to try this.
As they are humbled by the terrific beating administered by alcohol, the grace of God can enter them and expel their obsession.
Now these are about to be cast out.
Already a willingness has been achieved to cast out one's own will and one's own ideas about the alcohol problem in favor of those suggested by A.A.
This does not mean that we expect all our character defects to be lifted out of us as the drive to drink was.
When that lifted, a wonderful thing had happened.
It was lifted right out of me.
I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation? There is a direct linkage among self-examination, meditation, and prayer. Taken separately, these practices can bring much relief and benefit. But when they are logically related and interwoven, the result is an unshakable foundation for life. Now and then we may be granted a glimpse of that ultimate reality which is God's kingdom. And we will be comforted and assured that our own destiny in that realm will be secure for so long as we try, however falteringly, to find and do the will of our own Creator. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend.
By now the newcomer has probably arrived at the following conclusions: that his character defects, representing instincts gone astray, have been the primary cause of his drinking and his failure at life; that unless he is now willing to work hard at the elimination of the worst of these defects, both sobriety and peace of mind will still elude him; that all the faulty foundation of his life will have to be torn out and built anew on bedrock.
Because A.A.'s Twelve Traditions repeatedly ask us to give up personal desires for the common good, we realize that the sacrificial spirit - well symbolized by anonymity --is the foundation of them all.
Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Sloth - It’s a shortcoming! noun Definition of sloth 1a: disinclination to action or labor : INDOLENCE b: spiritual apathy and inactivity the deadly sin of sloth 2: any of various slow-moving arboreal edentate mammals that inhabit tropical forests of South and Central America, hang from the branches back downward, and feed on leaves, shoots, and fruits— Synonyms: idleness, indolence, inertia, laziness, shiftlessness Antonyms: drive, industriousness, industry INDOLENCE in·do·lence /ˈindələns/ noun avoidance of activity or exertion; laziness. "my failure is probably due to my own indolence" synonyms: laziness, idleness, slothfulness, sloth, shiftlessness, inactivity, inaction, inertia, lifelessness, sluggishness, lethargy, languor, languidness, torpor, torpidity, slowness, dullness; remissness, negligence, slackness, laxity; rareotiosity, hebetude "my failure is probably due to my own indolence" inactivity resulting from a dislike of work Synonyms: laziness the trait of being idle out of a reluctance to work shiftlessness a failure to be active as a consequence of lack of initiative or ambition Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Sometimes it takes control of your life and you see everything in the worst possible way. You are not happy and the people around you are not happy, either. Let’s look at the crippling effects of negativity. For example: Negativity can change the way you look at everything and keep you from enjoying many things that can bring you joy. It keeps you from trying new things that may be wonderful. It can also keep you from maturing and learning how to cope with the challenges of life. Negativity can lead to sadness, depression, stress, and giving up on life. It can take away your energy and motivation. Instead of a go-getter, you become a hopeless case who cannot help themselves. From a physical standpoint, negativity, unhappiness, and stress weakens your immune system. When this happens, you can become susceptible to many diseases, including one’s that occur because of stress, like heart disease and ulcers. How to Stop Being So Negative Try these action steps to recharge your attitude into being more positive: Make a list of the things for which you are thankful. You should do this at least once a day. It will help you focus on things to be appreciated and, with practice, you will find many things to be thankful for. Try to find something positive in every situation. Even a bad situation can be positive if you learned something from it. And yes, going through difficult times does build character. Work hard on not complaining. Try to say something positive and see the good in people and situations. Try to let troubles roll off of you like water off a duck’s back. Visualize your troubles just rolling off of you and focus on the positive. Realize than only you can change your attitude. Your attitude is no one’s fault but yours. As your attitude changes from negative to positive, you will notice that people respond to you in a different way.
The Triviality Trap “We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.” — Charles Bukowski Reverse This Equation “You are mortal in everything you fear and immortal in everything you desire” — Seneca Don’t Sit on the Sidelines, Do This Instead “If you see fraud and do not say fraud, you are a fraud.” — Nassim Taleb
Just saying it over and over will often enable us to clear a channel choked up with anger, fear, frustration, or misunderstanding, and permit us to return to the surest help of all -- our search for God's will, not our own, in the moment of stress. This tends to clear away morbidity and encourage balance. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Further on, clear-cut directions are given showing how we recovered.
These give a fair cross section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has actually happened in their lives.
To those who have made progress in A.A., it amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be.
It became clear that if we ever were to feel emotionally secure among grown-up people, we would have to put our lives on a give-and-take basis; we would have to develop the sense of being in partnership or brotherhood with all those around us.
But it is clear that we made our own misery.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
With clear understanding and right, grown-up attitudes, very happy results do follow.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
The fact was we really hadn't cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession. It seems plain that the grace of God will not enter to expel our destructive obsessions until we are willing to try this. As they are humbled by the terrific beating administered by alcohol, the grace of God can enter them and expel their obsession.
Now these are about to be cast out.
Already a willingness has been achieved to cast out one's own will and one's own ideas about the alcohol problem in favor of those suggested by A.A.
This does not mean that we expect all our character defects to be lifted out of us as the drive to drink was.
When that lifted, a wonderful thing had happened.
It was lifted right out of me.
I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. Best of all, I met a kind doctor who explained that though certainly selfish and foolish, I had been seriously ill, bodily and mentally.
Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil.
Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid?
Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate?
Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?
We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends.
None might become selfish of water or bread.
We subjected each relation to this test -- was it selfish or not?
When, and how, and in just what instances did my selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and me?
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
If our sex conduct is selfish, we may excite jealousy, misery, and a strong desire to retaliate in kind.
Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.
Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.
We wives found that, like everybody else, we were afflicted with pride, self-pity, vanity and all the things which go to make up the self-centered person; and we were not above selfishness or dishonesty.
Did these perplexities beset me because of selfishness or unreasonable demands?
Selfishness -- self-centeredness!
Unfortunately for me I was the only child, which perhaps engendered the selfishness which played such an important part in bringing on my alcoholism.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
ENTITLEMENT LEADS TO EXPECTATIONS .... EXPECTATIONS LEAD TO DISAPPOINTMENT DISAPPOINTMENT LEADS TO ANGER ANGER LEADS TO SHAMEFUL BEHAVIOR SHAMEFUL BEHAVIOR LIKE DRINKING, USING OR OTHER FORMS OF ACTING OUT LEADS TO SHAME... ... AND SHAME IS AN EMOTIONAL DRUNK.... AND THE DRUNK SOMETIMES HAPPENS LONG BEFORE THE FIRST DRINK OF A MISERABLE SPREE ONCE AGAIN INTO HOPELESSNESS... We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry.
God save me from being angry.
The first principle of success is that you should never be angry.
If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger.
To avoid falling into confusion over the names these defects should be called, let's take a universally recognized list of major human failings -- the Seven Deadly Sins of pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth.
If our tempers are consistently bad, we arouse anger in others.
We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.
The most common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression.
Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely.
We had to see that when we harbored grudges and planned revenge for such defeats, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger we had intended to use on others.
We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.
When such thoughts break in, we might recall, a little ruefully, how much store we used to set by imagination as it tried to create reality out of bottles.
Perhaps the real trouble was our almost total inability to point imagination toward the right objectives.
When, by such simple devices, we have placed ourselves in a mood in which we can focus undisturbed on constructive imagination, we might proceed like this:
Your imagination will be fired.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
10 Life Quotes That Will Change the Way You See The World Forever Why do we love life quotes so much? I think I have the answer. Life quotes have a way of piercing through the b.s. and noise surrounding us. Life quotes are the swords that cut the Gordian knots of noise and reveal the essence of life we know deep down but tend to forget. I’m a writer, which means I love quotes. But I also understand how simultaneously insightful and useless they can be. You can do one of two things with a quote — use it as inspirational fluff to post on Instagram or use the insight to change your life. The wisdom of quotes is extremely powerful when applied. I’ve collected quotes I come back to time and time again when my life isn’t aligned, I need a reminder, or simply want to reflect on the beauty of life itself. I could easily look up some quotes and slap them into a blog post. Instead, I’m only going to use quotes I can recall from memory, talk about how I’ve used them in my life, and provide ways for you to do the same. The Triviality Trap “We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.” — Charles Bukowski Big challenges don’t trip us up. Little petty annoyances cumulatively throw our lives off-balance. Office politics at work, your commute, errands, meaningless news, gossip, tiny bouts of envy, social media, so it goes. Think of how much time you spend on meaningful activities vs. the amount of time you spent letting life’s trivialities swallow you whole. You know what I love most about writing? I get to escape the noise. When I enter that flow state, I get to retreat from the chaos of life and do something that (to me at least) means something. I build my life around the ethos of increasing my meaningful time and decreasing the trivialities I have to deal with. Life isn’t always overtly tragic. Sometimes it’s tragic simply because you waste it and don’t realize that until it’s way too late. Which reminds me… Reverse This Equation “You are mortal in everything you fear and immortal in everything you desire” — Seneca You think you have time. You don’t. You’re afraid of death, yet you act like you have unlimited time to live. Humans are weird. We tend to reverse the useful truth to suit our egos. The useful truth I live by is the reverse of Seneca’s quote. I often find myself working like I’ll die tomorrow. This actually causes me to fear death less. I’m guessing that within a few years I’ll reach the point where I’d be okay if I died. Give me a few more books, milestones, moments of meaning, and memories with people I love. I’ll be good. Granted, I don’t want to die. But you fear death less the more fully you live in the present. Seneca also says “Life is long if you know how to use it.” I do what I love almost every day. Time feels like “house money” after I’ve done that. In your case, why not reverse the mortality equation? Why not live like you’ll die tomorrow? Because you’re afraid. It’s useless to be afraid of death because you can’t control when it happens. But you can control how you use your time right now.
Don’t Sit on the Sidelines, Do This Instead “If you see fraud and do not say fraud, you are a fraud.” — Nassim Taleb I spent a great deal of time talking about all the b.s. society feeds us. You’ve been conditioned and trained to feel helpless. Societies emerge to stifle the mobility of individuals out of necessity and people fall for it every day. They believe the news, which is about 99 percent propaganda. They blindly follow the status quo. We collectively allow these institutions to arbitrarily divide us even though we all more or less want the same things from life — love, family, joy, meaningful work, simple. More and more, I’m trying to remove the fluff from my writing and talk straight. My new book and my recent writing have been centered around the idea...
Too much guilt and remorse might cause us to dramatize and exaggerate our shortcomings. If temperamentally we are on the depressive side, we are apt to be swamped with guilt and self-loathing. This feeling of being at one with God and man, this emerging from isolation through the open and honest sharing of our terrible burden of guilt, brings us to a resting place where we may prepare ourselves for the following Steps toward a full and meaningful sobriety.
Misguided moral inventory can result in guilt, grandiosity, or blaming others.
We have drunk to escape the guilt of passions, and then have drunk again to make more passions possible.
Did I burn with a guilt that nothing could extinguish?
Our friend is still victimized by remorse and guilt when he thinks of yesterday.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
NEVER Definition: NOT EVER; AT NO TIME; NOT IN ANY DEGREE; NOT UNDER ANY CONDITION Synonyms: N/A Antonyms: always, constantly, continuously, endlessly, ever, forever, perpetually It was then discovered that when one alcoholic had planted in the mind of another the true nature of his malady, that person could never be the same again. Explain that many are doomed who never realize their predicament. It was a statistical fact that alcoholics almost never recovered on their own resources.
Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering.
Never was there enough of what we thought we wanted.
He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves.
He never drank again.
Simply we tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past.
We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones.
This weak one, failing to meet life's responsibilities with his own resources, never grows up.
The moment we say, "No, never!" our minds close against the grace of God.
Never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop; simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection.
We never apologize for God.
We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator.
Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted.
The first principle of success is that you should never be angry.
There is never need to praise ourselves.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. Best of all, I met a kind doctor who explained that though certainly selfish and foolish, I had been seriously ill, bodily and mentally.
Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil.
Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid?
Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate?
Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?
We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends.
None might become selfish of water or bread.
We subjected each relation to this test -- was it selfish or not?
When, and how, and in just what instances did my selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and me?
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
If our sex conduct is selfish, we may excite jealousy, misery, and a strong desire to retaliate in kind.
Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.
Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.
We wives found that, like everybody else, we were afflicted with pride, self-pity, vanity and all the things which go to make up the self-centered person; and we were not above selfishness or dishonesty.
Did these perplexities beset me because of selfishness or unreasonable demands?
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Our relations with the general public should be characterized by personal anonymity. The violation in these instances was not professionalism at all; it was breaking anonymity. They were genuinely baffled by our insistence upon anonymity.
This was our first lesson in the practical application of anonymity.
Eleven -- Our relations with the general public should be characterized by personal anonymity.
At this altitude (press, radio, films, and television), anonymity -- 100 percent anonymity -- was the only possible answer.
The Foundation(*) wrote letters to practically every news outlet in North America, setting forth our public relations policy of attraction rather than promotion, and emphasizing personal anonymity as A.A.'s greatest protection.
But that wasn't the whole story, for in this case not only was an A.A. member to break his anonymity at a public level, he was to link the name Alcoholics Anonymous to this particular educational project in the minds of millions.
One hundred percent anonymity at the public level.
At one point, about a hundred of our Society were breaking anonymity at the public level.
Only a few A.A. members are left who deliberately break anonymity at the public level.
Personal anonymity at the public level is the cornerstone of our public relations policy.
It is significant, now that almost no A.A. in our Fellowship breaks anonymity at the public level, that nearly all these fears have subsided.
And finally, we of Alcoholics Anonymous believe that the principle of anonymity has an immense spiritual significance.
Twelve -- And finally, we of Alcoholics Anonymous believe that the principle of anonymity has an immense spiritual significance.
Anonymity is real humility.
These experiences taught us that anonymity is real humility at work.
Spiritual substance of anonymity is sacrifice.
The spiritual substance of anonymity is sacrifice.
Because A.A.'s Twelve Traditions repeatedly ask us to give up personal desires for the common good, we realize that the sacrificial spirit -- well symbolized by anonymity -- is the foundation of them all.
We are sure that humility, expressed by anonymity, is the greatest safeguard that Alcoholics Anonymous can ever have.
Twelve -- Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
Tradition Twelve -- "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."
"Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."
There was actually a time when the press of America thought the anonymity of A.A. was better for us than some of our own members did.
As the A.A. groups multiplied, so did anonymity problems.
When such stories got into circulation outside of A.A., the loss of confidence in our anonymity promise was severe.
Though not in the strict letter of anonymity, such communications were well within its spirit.
Unthinkingly, A.A.'s so employed recklessly broke anonymity to thump the tub for their pet enterprise.
With perfectly good intent, these folks declared that the principle of anonymity was horse-and-buggy stuff, something appropriate to A.A.'s pioneering days.
Provided anonymity was maintained on these platforms, and reporters present were cautioned against the use of names or pictures, the result was fine.
But in the beginning, anonymity was not born of confidence; it was the child of our early fears.
At this altitude (press, radio, films, and television), anonymity -- 100 percent anonymity -- was the only possible answer.
Moved by the spirit of anonymity, we try to give up our natural desires for personal distinction as A.A. members both among fellow alcoholics and before the general public.
Between these...
Whenever a human being becomes a battleground for the instincts, there can be no peace. Unreasonable fear that our instincts will not be satisfied drives us to covet the possessions of others, to lust for sex and power, to become angry when our instinctive demands are threatened, to be envious when the ambitions of others seem to be realized while ours are not. Defying their instinctive desire for self-preservation, they seem bent upon self-destruction.
Basic problem of extremes in instinctive drives.
It is nowhere evident, at least in this life, that our Creator expects us fully to eliminate our instinctual drives.
Seldom did we look at character-building as something desirable in itself, something we would like to strive for whether our instinctual needs were met or not.
Nearly every serious emotional problem can be seen as a case of misdirected instinct.
Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness.
Alcoholics especially should be able to see that instinct run wild in themselves is the underlying cause of their destructive drinking.
Pride lures us into making demands upon ourselves or upon others which cannot be met without perverting or misusing our God-given instincts.
How instincts can exceed their proper function.
This collision of instincts can produce anything from a cold snub to a blazing revolution.
We have learned that the satisfaction of instincts cannot be the sole end and aim of our lives.
If we place instincts first, we have got the cart before the horse; we shall be pulled backward into disillusionment.
To define the word "harm" in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people.
Instincts on rampage balk at investigation.
Every time a person imposes his instincts unreasonably upon others, unhappiness follows.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
We are all perfectionists who, failing perfection, have gone to the other extreme and settled for the bottle and the blackout. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. We shall need to raise our eyes toward perfection, and be ready to walk in that direction.
When they drive us blindly, or we willfully demand that they supply us with more satisfactions or pleasures than are possible or due us, that is the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection that God wishes for us here on earth.
No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles.
For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.
The remaining eleven Steps state perfect ideals.
So the difference between "the boys and the men" is the difference between striving for a self-determined objective and for the perfect objective which is of God.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Shame is an emotion that we only feel when we are comparing ourselves to some standard and find ourselves wanting - failing to meet the standard. In the case of the person struggling with alcoholism the standard is some variation on the theme of "I'm able to maintain control over my drinking". The individual struggling with alcoholism typically wants and desires very much to remain in control--his or her whole sense of self-esteem is often bound up with this struggle. And yet--for the alcoholic--loss of control over drinking is inevitable--it is simply not reasonable or accurate for an alcoholic to believe that he or she can control his or her drinking. When this failure to maintain control does occur, it becomes evidence (in the mind of the alcoholic person) of the lack of worth of the alcoholic person. And when you are an alcoholic, there is always one good way to feel less like a worthless person and that is to take another drink. and so on. The vicious circle continues. When an alcoholic finally gets it that he or she simply cannot expect to drink in a controlled way (just as he or she cannot expect to flap his or her arms and fly) then the expectation of being able to remain in control is also dropped. When the expectation of being able to control ones' self is dropped there is less of an occasion for shame when uncontrolled drinking does occur. There becomes possible a greater openness to alternative ways to stay sober besides willpower. Stripped of associated shame, an analysis of the event of a relapse to alcohol can now point the way to doing things in a different, safer way in the future. You may not be able to stop drinking - but you can avoid it in the first place!
You know what you are?... I only got one word for you... CO-DEPENDENT! We welcome you to Co-Dependents Anonymous - a program of recovery from codependence, where each of us may share our experience, strength, and hope in our efforts to find freedom where there has been bondage, and peace where there has been turmoil in our relationships with others and ourselves. Codependence is a deeply-rooted, compulsive behaviour. It is born out of our sometimes moderately, sometimes extremely dysfunctional family systems. We attempted to use others as our sole source of identity, value, well being, and as a way of trying to restore our emotional losses. Our histories may include other powerful addictions which we have used to cope with our codependency. We have all learned to survive life, but in Co-DA we are learning to live life. Through applying the Twelve Steps and principles found in Co-DA to our daily lives and relationships, both present and past, we can experience a new freedom from our self-defeating lifestyles. Our sharing helps us to free the emotional bonds of our past and the compulsive control of our present. No matter how traumatic your past or despairing your present may seem, there is hope for a new day in the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. May you find a new strength within to be that which God intended - Precious and Free. www.CoDA.org
He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. Best of all, I met a kind doctor who explained that though certainly selfish and foolish, I had been seriously ill, bodily and mentally.
Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil.
Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid?
Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate?
Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?
We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends.
None might become selfish of water or bread.
We subjected each relation to this test -- was it selfish or not?
When, and how, and in just what instances did my selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and me?
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
If our sex conduct is selfish, we may excite jealousy, misery, and a strong desire to retaliate in kind.
Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.
Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.
We wives found that, like everybody else, we were afflicted with pride, self-pity, vanity and all the things which go to make up the self-centered person; and we were not above selfishness or dishonesty.
Did these perplexities beset me because of selfishness or unreasonable demands?
Selfishness -- self-centeredness!
Unfortunately for me I was the only child, which perhaps engendered the selfishness which played such an important part in bringing on my alcoholism.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation? There is a direct linkage among self-examination, meditation, and prayer. Taken separately, these practices can bring much relief and benefit. But when they are logically related and interwoven, the result is an unshakable foundation for life. Now and then we may be granted a glimpse of that ultimate reality which is God's kingdom. And we will be comforted and assured that our own destiny in that realm will be secure for so long as we try, however falteringly, to find and do the will of our own Creator. "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."
Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend.
By now the newcomer has probably arrived at the following conclusions: that his character defects, representing instincts gone astray, have been the primary cause of his drinking and his failure at life; that unless he is now willing to work hard at the elimination of the worst of these defects, both sobriety and peace of mind will still elude him; that all the faulty foundation of his life will have to be torn out and built anew on bedrock.
Because A.A.'s Twelve Traditions repeatedly ask us to give up personal desires for the common good, we realize that the sacrificial spirit -- well symbolized by anonymity -- is the foundation of them all.
Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Turmoil & Conflict is about defective relationships with others and with ourselves... Did fear and inferiority about my fitness for my job destroy my confidence and fill me with conflict? In these ways we are set in conflict not only with ourselves, but with other people who have instincts, too.
In Step Eight, we continued our housecleaning, for we saw that we were not only in conflict with ourselves, but also with people and situations in the world in which we lived.
We think that such a view is self-centered and in direct conflict with the new way of living.
Until we had talked with complete candor of our conflicts, and hadlistened to someone else do the same thing, we still didn't belong.
We knew we would have to quit the deadly business of living alone with our conflicts, and in honesty confide these to God and another human being.
Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness.
Many less desperate alcoholics tried A.A., but did not succeed because they could not make the admission of hopelessness.
He soon proved that his was a desperate case, and that above all he wanted to get well.
In A.A.'s pioneering time, none but the most desperate cases could swallow and digest this unpalatable truth.
He was rescued by a searching party, and, in desperate condition, brought to me.
He had a desperate desire to stop, but saw no way out, for he had earnestly tried many avenues of escape.
My incredible behavior in the face of a desperate desire to stop was explained.
You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer.
What sort of thinking dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first drink?
Their very first case, a desperate one, recovered immediately and became A.A. number three.
Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women, desperately in need, will see these pages, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that they will be persuaded to say, "Yes, I am one of them too; I must have this thing."
He may have come to the point where he desperately wants to stop but cannot.
Learning to depend upon a higher power and absorb himself in his work with other alcoholics, he remains sober day by day.
And the facts seem to be these: The more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are.
Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much.
In this area it is startling to discover how dependent we really are, and how unconscious of that dependence.
Even when our fortunes had not ebbed that much and we nevertheless found ourselves alone in the world, we still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy kind of domination or dependence.
This very form of faulty dependence has caused many a rebellious alcoholic to conclude that dependence of any sort must be intolerably damaging.
We realize that the word "dependence" is as distasteful to many psychiatrists and psychologists as it is to alcoholics.
This very form of faulty dependence has caused many a rebellious alcoholic to conclude that dependence of any sort must be intolerably damaging.
Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job -- wife or no wife -- we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.
Dependence upon God necessary to recovery of alcoholics.
When a job still looked like a mere means of getting money rather than an opportunity for service, when the acquisition of money for financial independence looked more important than a right dependence upon God, we were still the victims of unreasonable fears.
We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would
INDECISION IS A FEAR..... FEAR IS ABOUT CONTROL CONTROL OF THE OUTCOME OF A FUTURE EVENT... These men were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control. Here is the fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control. He has lost control.
He wished above all things to regain self-control.
We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control.
As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant.
The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.
All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals -- usually brief -- were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.
On the other hand -- and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand -- once a psychicchange has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules.
He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.
Some time later, and just as he thought he was getting control of his liquor situation, he went on a roaring bender.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking.
We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people -- was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight?
We are certain that our intelligence, backed by willpower, can rightly control our inner lives and guarantee us success in the world we live in.
If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.
By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression.
Nevertheless, I still thought I could control the situation, and there were periods of sobriety which renewed my wife's hope.
Once he started, he had no control whatever.
There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
It’s all about your testimony!!! This tends to clear away morbidity and encourage balance. If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience.
Tell him enough about your drinking habits, symptoms, and experiences to encourage him to speak of himself.
Many of our friends encourage us by saying that this is but a beginning, only the augury of a much larger future ahead.
If our testimony helps sweep away prejudice, enables you to think honestly, encourages you to search diligently within yourself, then, if you wish, you can join us on the Broad Highway.
All this should be very encouraging news for those who recoil from prayer because they don't believe in it, or because they feel themselves cut off from God's help and direction.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. It will be an aid to clear thinking and honest appraisal.
If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson.
The only requirement for membership is an honest desire to stop drinking.
Our basic troubles are the same as everyone else's, but when an honest effort is made "to practice these principles in all our affairs," well-grounded A.A.'s seem to have the ability, by God's grace, to take these troubles in stride and turn them into demonstrations of faith.
If what we have learned and felt and seen means anything at all, it means that all of us, whatever our race, creed, or color are the children of a living Creator with whom we may form a relationship upon simple and understandable terms as soon as we are willing and honest enough to try.
It is an attitude which can only be changed by a deep and honest search of our motives and actions.
This feeling of being at one with God and man, this emerging from isolation through the open and honest sharing of our terrible burden of guilt, brings us to a resting place where we may prepare ourselves for the following Steps toward a full and meaningful sobriety.
When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and with God.
We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world.
Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.
We took stock honestly.
This was only a beginning, though if honestly and humbly made, an effect, sometimes a very great one, was felt at once.
We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.
If our testimony helps sweep away prejudice, enables you to think honestly, encourages you to search diligently within yourself, then, if you wish, you can join us on the Broad Highway.
Most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience can recover, provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts.
But He has come to all who have honestly sought Him.
If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.
Only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty, and genuine humility.
Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were the essential requirements.
All of us saw, for example, that we lacked honesty and tolerance, that we were beset at times by attacks of self-pity or delusions of personal grandeur.
We knew we would have to quit the deadly business of living alone with our conflicts, and in honesty confide these to God and another human being.
But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story.
The best we can do, with all the honesty that we can summon, is to try to have it.
Alcoholics Anonymous / The 12 Steps & 12 Traditions
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. He suffered horribly from his sprees, but it seemed as if nothing could be done for him. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's.
Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong.
But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most.
Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.'s message to the next sufferer?
In many instances we are really dealing with fellow sufferers, people whose woes we have increased.
Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now.
Each of us has had his own near-fatal encounter with the juggernaut of self-will, and has suffered enough under its weight to be willing to look for something better.
The man in the bed was told of the acute poisoning from which he suffered, how it deteriorates the body of an alcoholic and warps his mind.
When, with God's help, we calmly accepted our lot, then we found we could live at peace with ourselves and show others who still suffered the same fears that they could get over them, too.
Then came the hospital with unbearable mental and physical suffering.
Historians may one day recognize Alcoholics Anonymous to have been a great venture in social pioneering which forged a new instrument for social action; a new therapy based on the kinship of common suffering; one having a vast potential for the myriad other ills of mankind."
Great suffering and great love are A.A.'s disciplinarians; we need no others.
We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering.
If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.
It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up.
As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant.
If the family cooperates, dad will soon see that he is suffering from a distortion of values.
We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago.
These legacies of suffering and of recovery are easily passed among alcoholics, one to the other.
Alcoholics Anonymous & The 12 Steps & 12 Traditions
Patterns and Characteristics of Co-dependence Compliance Patterns: I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger. I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want. I am hyper vigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings. I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others. I accept sexual attention when I want love. I make decisions without regard to the consequences. I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change. Denial Patterns: I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling. I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel. I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others. I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others. I label others with my negative traits. I can take care of myself without any help from others. I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation. I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways. I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted. Low Self Esteem Patterns: I have difficulty making decisions. I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough. I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts. I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings, and behaviour over my own. I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person. I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve. I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake. I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good. I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires. I perceive myself as superior to others. I look to others to provide my sense of safe-ty. I have difficulty getting started, meeting dead-lines, and completing projects. I have trouble setting healthy priorities. Control Patterns: I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves. I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel. I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked. I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice. I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence. I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance. I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others. I demand that my needs be met by others. I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate. I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others. I refuse to cooperate, com-promise, or negotiate. I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes. I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others. I pretend to agree with others to get what I want. Avoidance Patterns: I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or ex-press anger toward me. I judge harshly what others think, say, or do. I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance. I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships. I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation. I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery. I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable. I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away. I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than my-self. I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness. I withhold expressions of appreciation.
Just saying it over and over will often enable us to clear a channel choked up with anger, fear, frustration, or misunderstanding, and permit us to return to the surest help of all -- our search for God's will, not our own, in the moment of stress. This tends to clear away morbidity and encourage balance. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Further on, clear-cut directions are given showing how we recovered. These give a fair cross section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has actually happened in their lives.
To those who have made progress in A.A., it amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be.
It became clear that if we ever were to feel emotionally secure among grown-up people, we would have to put our lives on a give-and-take basis; we would have to develop the sense of being in partnership or brotherhood with all those around us.
But it is clear that we made our own misery.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
With clear understanding and right, grown-up attitudes, very happy results do follow.
Alcohol Anonymous / Twelve Steps & The Twelve Traditions
Arrived at this point, we were squarely confronted with the question of faith. Some of us had already walked far over the Bridge of Reason toward the desired shore of faith. When we began to do that, we received the gift of faith, a faith which works.
Faith, to be sure, is necessary, but faith alone can avail nothing.
And even those who had faith already often become conscious of God as they never were before.
True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith, and every A.A. meeting is an assurance that God will restore us to sanity if we rightly relate ourselves to Him.
In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves.
For just so long as we were convinced that we could live exclusively by our own individual strength and intelligence, for just that long was a working faith in a Higher Power impossible.
We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend.
This faith is for you, too.
This was not only faith; it was faith that worked under all conditions.
To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action.
We saw that we were powerless over alcohol, but we also perceived that faith of some kind, if only in A.A. itself, is possible to anyone.
This answer has to do with the quality of faith rather than its quantity.
It reads: "This is the way to a faith that works."
Without a searching and fearless moral inventory, most of us have found that the faith which really works in daily living is still out of reach.
When we began to do that, we received the gift of faith, a faith which works.
We can have faith, yet keep God out of our lives.
Alcoholics Anonymous / The 12 Steps & 12 Traditions
True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith, and every A.A. meeting is an assurance that God will restore us to sanity if we rightly relate ourselves to Him. Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. Then, and only then, do we become as open-minded to conviction and as willing to listen as the dying can be.
If we would gain any real advantage in the use of this Step on problems other than alcohol, we shall need to make a brand new venture into open-mindedness.
Our eyes begin to open to the immense values which have come straight out of painful ego-puncturing.
All we need is a key, and the decision to swing the door open.
This feeling of being at one with God and man, this emerging from isolation through the open and honest sharing of our terrible burden of guilt, brings us to a resting place where we may prepare ourselves for the following Steps toward a full and meaningful sobriety.
Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open, we find that we can always open it some more.
The persistent use of meditation and prayer, we found, did open the channel so that where there had been a trickle, there now was a river which led to sure power and safe guidance from God as we were increasingly better able to understand Him.
Why lay ourselves open to being branded fanatics or religious bores?
Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open, we find that we can always open it some more.
If our manner is calm, frank, and open, we will be gratified with the result.
Alcoholics Anonymous / The 12 Steps & 12 Traditions
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. He suffered horribly from his sprees, but it seemed as if nothing could be done for him. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's.
Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong.
But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most.
Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.'s message to the next sufferer?
In many instances we are really dealing with fellow sufferers, people whose woes we have increased.
Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now.
Each of us has had his own near-fatal encounter with the juggernaut of self-will, and has suffered enough under its weight to be willing to look for something better.
The man in the bed was told of the acute poisoning from which he suffered, how it deteriorates the body of an alcoholic and warps his mind.
When, with God's help, we calmly accepted our lot, then we found we could live at peace with ourselves and show others who still suffered the same fears that they could get over them, too.
Then came the hospital with unbearable mental and physical suffering.
Historians may one day recognize Alcoholics Anonymous to have been a great venture in social pioneering which forged a new instrument for social action; a new therapy based on the kinship of common suffering; one having a vast potential for the myriad other ills of mankind.
Great suffering and great love are A.A.'s disciplinarians; we need no others.
We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering.
If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.
It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up.
As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant.
If the family cooperates, dad will soon see that he is suffering from a distortion of values.
We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago.
These legacies of suffering and of recovery are easily passed among alcoholics, one to the other.
Alcoholics Anonymous / The 12 Steps & 12 Traditions
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. Whenever a human being becomes a battleground for the instincts, there can be no peace. We had to drink because our nation had won a war or lost a peace.
We can be alone at perfect peace and ease.
If strong people were stalemated in the search for peace and harmony, what was to become of our erratic band of alcoholics?
The sum of all this mighty effort is less peace and less brotherhood than before.
There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known.
We had to begin to make our peace, and so we listed the people we had harmed and became willing to set things right.
I was to know happiness, peace, and usefulness, in a way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes.
In the face of collapse and despair, in the face of the total failure of their human resources, they found that a new power, peace, happiness, and sense of direction flowed into them.
To those of us who have hitherto known only excitement, depression, or anxiety -- in other words, to all of us -- this newfound peace is a priceless gift.
Step Five is difficult but necessary to sobriety and peace of mind.
We enjoy moments in which there is something like real peace of mind.
If we lie or cheat, we deprive others not only of their worldly goods, but of their emotional security and peace of mind.
He finds himself in possession of a degree of honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind, and love of which he had thought himself quite incapable.
As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter.
While we may be quite willing to reveal the very worst, we must be sure to remember that we cannot buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others.
Peace of mind cannot be bought at the expense of others.
In Step Eleven we saw that if a Higher Power had restored us to sanity and had enabled us to live with some peace of mind in a sorely troubled world, then such a Higher Power was worth knowing better, by as direct contact as possible.
But scarcely any Step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this one.
And they have increasingly found a peace of mind which can stand firm in the face of difficult circumstances.
By now the newcomer has probably arrived at the following conclusions: that his character defects, representing instincts gone astray, have been the primary cause of his drinking and his failure at life; that unless he is now willing to work hard at the elimination of the worst of these defects, both sobriety and peace of mind will still elude him; that all the faulty foundation of his life will have to be torn out and built anew on bedrock.
Each day my friend's simple talk in our kitchen multiplies itself in a widening circle of peace on earth and good will to men.
Learning how to live in the greatest peace, partnership, and brotherhood with all men and women, of whatever description, is a moving and fascinating adventure.
These were the new attitudes that finally brought many of us an inner strength and peace that could not be deeply shaken by the shortcomings of others or by any calamity not of our own making.
Lord, make me a channel of thy peace -- that where there is hatred, I may bring love -- that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness -- that where there is discord, I may bring harmony -- that where there is error, I may bring truth -- that where there is doubt, I may bring faith-- that where there is despair, I may bring hope -- that where there are shadows, I may bring light -- that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands.
Each...
We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We never, never try to arrange a man's life so as to shield him from temptation. We also fall into another similar temptation.
The temptation here is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really didn't.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure.
Here the temptation is to become rather possessive of these newcomers.
Save for a few brief moments of temptation the thought of drink has never returned; and at such times a great revulsion has risen up in him.
He will appreciate knowing you are not bothering your head about him, that you are not suspicious nor are you trying to run his life so he will be shielded from temptation to drink.
Here again we are presented with the temptation to overmanage things, and sometimes this results in rebuffs and other consequences which are hard to take.
The temptation to skip the more humiliating and dreaded meetings that still remain may be great.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
We saw that if they weren't, the man coming in the door couldn't get a break. Only a few A.A. members are left who deliberately break anonymity at the public level. She was helping to give the man coming in the door the break he ought to have.
When such thoughts break in, we might recall, a little ruefully, how much store we used to set by imagination as it tried to create reality out of bottles.
Our sponsors declared that we were the victims of a mental obsession so subtly powerful that no amount of human willpower could break it.
These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve.
Between these lines, it is easy to read our fear that large numbers of incoming people might break our anonymity wide open.
The dammed-up emotions of years break out of their confinement, and miraculously vanish as soon as they are exposed.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
But when they finally resisted or ran away, we were bitterly hurt and disappointed. They are all disappointed, and often let him feel it. Disappointed but curious, I wondered what had got into the fellow.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
We got a pretty severe shock when we realized that we were preparing to make a face-to-face admission of our wretched conduct to those we had hurt. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. Final responsibility and ultimate authority for A.A. world services should always reside in the collective conscience of our whole Fellowship.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. Who are you to judge?" It would have been impressive heroics if he had walked up to the Judge and said, "Here I am."
Who dared to be judge, jury, and executioner of his own sick brother?
God alone can judge our sex situation.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
We live in a world riddled with envy. The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear. No one wants to be agonized by the chronic pain of envy or to be paralyzed by sloth.
Anger, resentments, jealously, envy, self-pity, hurt pride -- all led to the bottle.
Other kinds of disturbances -- jealousy, envy, self-pity, or hurt pride -- did the same thing.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
What about all the accidents, sickness, cruelty, and injustice in the world? How could men who loved their wives and children be so unthinking, so callous, so cruel? How heartbreaking was this discovery; how cruel to be told they understood our men as we did not! Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
To avoid falling into confusion over the names these defects should be called, let's take a universally recognized list of major human failings -- the Seven Deadly Sins of pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth. Isn't it true that we like to let greed masquerade as ambition? In these areas fear, greed, possessiveness, and pride have too often done their worst.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Knowledge was all-powerful. Self-knowledge would fix it. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Never was there enough of what we thought we wanted. And even those who had faith already often become conscious of God as they never were before. Perhaps there never will be a full answer to these questions.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
How can they rise out of such misery, bad repute and hopelessness? Many less desperate alcoholics tried A.A., but did not succeed because they could not make the admission of hopelessness. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.
But you may talk to him about the hopelessness of alcoholism because you offer a solution.
I bore down hard on the hopelessness of the drunk's dilemma.
The remorse, horror and hopelessness of the next morning are unforgettable.
Hopelessness was written large on the man's face as he replied, "Oh, but that's no use.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
If we would gain any real advantage in the use of this Step on problems other than alcohol, we shall need to make a brand new venture into open-mindedness. Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
To avoid falling into confusion over the names these defects should be called, let's take a universally recognized list of major human failings -- the Seven Deadly Sins of pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth. No one wants to be agonized by the chronic pain of envy or to be paralyzed by sloth. Consider, too, our talents for procrastination, which is really sloth in five syllables.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
To avoid falling into confusion over the names these defects should be called, let's take a universally recognized list of major human failings -- the Seven Deadly Sins of pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth. Unreasonable fear that our instincts will not be satisfied drives us to covet the possessions of others, to lust for sex and power, to become angry when our instinctive demands are threatened, to be envious when the ambitions of others seem to be realized while ours are not. But how many men and women speak love with their lips, and believe what they say, so that they can hide lust in a dark corner of their minds?
One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation.
To think of liking lust seems impossible.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Back of them is a world of ignorance and misunderstanding. So our question will be this: How, by ignorance, compulsion, and self-will, do we misuse this gift for our own destruction? Some of them rose out of ignorance of alcoholism.
I had developed a theory that most people lost money in stocks through ignorance of markets.
"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance --that principle is contempt prior to investigation." -- Herbert Spencer
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
As A.A. now enters maturity, it has begun to reach into forty foreign lands. But today, in well-matured A.A.'s, these distorted drives have been restored to something like their true purpose and direction. Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
It is nowhere evident, at least in this life, that our Creator expects us fully to eliminate our instinctual drives. Seldom did we look at character-building as something desirable in itself, something we would like to strive for whether our instinctual needs were met or not. Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
He can go anywhere on this earth where other free men may go without disaster, provided he remains willing to maintain a certain simple attitude. To get over drinking will require a transformation of thought and attitude. Many of us who had thought ourselves religious awoke to the limitations of this attitude.
We have been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our Creator, and to discover the obstacles in our path.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
This means a new attitude and spirit all around.
They have a new attitude, and they have been saved from a living death.
It works, if we have the proper attitude and work at it.
A firm attitude at this point has helped many of us.
This attitude brought immediate and practical results.
After we have made the list of people we have harmed, have reflected carefully upon each instance, and have tried to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed, we will see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes.
Experience shows that such an attitude is not helpful to anyone.
Some day we hope that Alcoholics Anonymous will help the public to a better realization of the gravity of the alcoholic problem, but we shall be of little use if our attitude is one of bitterness or hostility.
This attitude, of course, is the end result of purposeful forgetting.
He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial.
So Step Six -- "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character" --is A.A.'s way of stating the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job.
You are betting, of course, that your changed attitude plus the contents of this book will turn the trick.
I saw that my attitude regarding these had been anything but scientific.
During this process of learning more about humility, the most profound result of all was the change in our attitude toward God.
It may be he has done us more harm than we have done him and, though we may have acquired a better attitude toward him, we are still not too keen about admitting our faults.
We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part.
It is an attitude which can only be changed by a deep and honest search of...
Though they knew they must help other alcoholics if they would remain sober, that motive became secondary. He was positive that this humiliating experience, plus the knowledge he had acquired, would keep him sober the rest of his life. But he's a grand chap when he's sober, though he's been in here eight times in the last six months.
Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.
Beginning on the ground floor there would be a club; in the second story they would sober up drunks and hand them currency for their back debts; the third deck would house an educational project -- quite noncontroversial, of course.
Second, to get sober and to stay sober, you don't have to swallow all of Step Two right now.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. In desperation, we have even got tight ourselves -- the drunk to end all drunks. Many less desperate alcoholics tried A.A., but did not succeed because they could not make the admission of hopelessness.
He soon proved that his was a desperate case, and that above all he wanted to get well.
In A.A.'s pioneering time, none but the most desperate cases could swallow and digest this unpalatable truth.
He had a desperate desire to stop, but saw no way out, for he had earnestly tried many avenues of escape.
My incredible behavior in the face of a desperate desire to stop was explained.
You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer.
What sort of thinking dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first drink?
Silently and surely, electricity, that strange energy so few people understand, meets our simplest daily needs, and our most desperate ones, too.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
The story of how you and your wife settled your difficulties is worth any amount of criticism. These family talks will be constructive if they can be carried on without heated argument, self-pity, self-justification or resentful criticism. The employer cannot play favorites, but he can always defend a man from needless provocation and unfair criticism.
More experienced people, of course, in all times and places have practiced unsparing self-survey and criticism.
We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument.
For this reason, some very good causes and all connected with them suffered unjust criticism from A.A. groups.
To any questioning or criticism of his actions he instantly proffers his reliance upon prayer for guidance in all matters great or small.
A man may criticize or laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but criticism or ridicule coming from another often produces the contrary effect. If the family persists in criticism, this fallacy may take a still greater hold on father.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial. It is more than a denial of self-seeking. I could almost hear the sound of the preacher's voice as I sat, on still Sundays, way over there on the hillside; there was that proffered temperance pledge I never signed; my grandfather's good natured contempt of some church folk and their doings; his insistence that the spheres really had their music; but his denial of the preacher's right to tell him how he must listen; his fearlessness as he spoke of these things just before he died; these recollections welled up from the past.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
The group, like the individual, must eventually conform to principles that guarantee survival. If men and women didn't exert themselves to be secure in their persons, made no effort to harvest food or construct shelter, there would be no survival. We may still have no very high opinion of humility as a desirable personal virtue, but we do recognize it as a necessary aid to our survival.
We saw that the group, exactly like the individual, must eventually conform to whatever tested principles would guarantee survival.
Yet such a failure wouldn't jeopardize their personal survival.
Since recovery from alcoholism is life itself to us, it is imperative that we preserve in full strength our means of survival.
Survival and spread of A.A. are our primary aims.
We conceive the survival and spread of Alcoholics Anonymous to be something of far greater importance than the weight we could collectively throw back of any other cause.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
· Did fear and inferiority about my fitness for my job destroy my confidence and fill me with conflict? · In these ways we are set in conflict not only with ourselves, but with other people who have instincts, too. · In Step Eight, we continued our housecleaning, for we saw that we were not only in conflict with ourselves, but also with people and situations in the world in which we lived.
· We think that such a view is self-centered and in direct conflict with the new way of living.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
After all, isn't fear the true basis of intolerance? They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. We found that freedom from fear was more important than freedom from want.
We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people -- was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight?
But when we had declared that our Fellowship couldn't hire service workers nor could any A.A. member carry our knowledge into other fields, we were taking the counsel of fear, fear which today has been largely dispelled in the light of experience.
Perhaps the fear will always lurk in every A.A. heart that one day our name will be exploited by somebody for real cash.
When we do that, we find it solves our problems too; the ensuing lack of fear, worry and hurt feelings is a wonderful thing.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Here we are not trying to help those we criticize; we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness. This subtle and elusive kind of self-righteousness can underlie the smallest act or thought. If, however, our natural disposition is inclined to self-righteousness or grandiosity, our reaction will be just the opposite.
We gloated over the hypocrisy, bigotry, and crushing self-righteousness that clung to so many 'believers' even in their Sunday best.
Self-righteousness, the very thing that we had contemptuously condemned in others, was our own besetting evil.
Others fell apart because of sheer self-righteousness while trying to enforce upon the rest of mankind some millennium of their own specification.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
And this they did find, in measure to transcend all the defects of their frail craft, every test of uncertainty, pain, fear, and despair, and even the death of one. Time after time, their uncertain flames blew out and couldn't be relighted. My home life is ideal and my business is as good as can be expected in these uncertain times. Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If all our lives we had more or less fooled ourselves, how could we now be so sure that we weren't still self-deceived? Therefore we remained self-deceived, and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. We wives found that, like everybody else, we were afflicted with pride, self-pity, vanity and all the things which go to make up the self-centered person; and we were not above selfishness or dishonesty.
Did these perplexities beset me because of selfishness or unreasonable demands?
Selfishness -- self-centeredness!
Unfortunately for me I was the only child, which perhaps engendered the selfishness which played such an important part in bringing on my alcoholism.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
He goes on to explain that any person capable of enough willingness and honesty to try repeatedly Step Six on all his faults -- without any reservations whatever -- has indeed come a long way spiritually, and is therefore entitled to be called a man who is sincerely trying to grow in the image and likeness of his own Creator. If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. In fact, he may say almost anything if he has accepted our solution which, as you know, demands rigorous honesty.
Necessity for complete honesty.
More realism and therefore more honesty about ourselves are the great gains we make under the influence of Step Five.
Only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty, and genuine humility.
Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were the essential requirements.
With a proper display of honesty and morality, we'd stand a better chance of getting what we really wanted.
Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery.
Lose sense of isolation, receive forgiveness and give it; learn humility; gain honesty and realism about ourselves.
All of us saw, for example, that we lacked honesty and tolerance, that we were beset at times by attacks of self-pity or delusions of personal grandeur.
We knew we would have to quit the deadly business of living alone with our conflicts, and in honesty confide these to God and another human being.
He paid a fine tribute to the Fellowship; he told how his family had been reunited; he extolled the virtue of honesty; he recalled the joys of Twelfth Step work; and then he lowered the boom.
But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story.
Our uncompromising honesty might soon clean up politics.
The best we can do, with all the honesty that we can summon, is to try to have it.
He goes on to explain that any person capable of enough willingness and honesty to try repeatedly Step Six on all his faults -- without any reservations whatever -- has indeed come a long way spiritually, and is therefore entitled to be called a man who is sincerely trying to grow in the image and likeness of his own Creator.
We never thought of making honesty, tolerance, and true love of man and God the daily basis of living.
He finds himself in possession of a degree of honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind, and love of which he had thought himself quite incapable.
When drinking, or getting over a bout, an alcoholic, sometimes the model of honesty when normal, will do incredible things.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
It means release from care, boredom and worry. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
After all, isn't fear the true basis of intolerance? Early intolerance based on fear. The slightest sign of fear or intolerance may lessen your husband's chance of recovery.
A spirit of intolerance might repel alcoholics whose lives could have been saved, had it not been for such stupidity.
The very practical approach to his problems, the absence of intolerance of any kind, the informality, the genuine democracy, the uncanny understanding which these people had were irresistible.
He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial.
We are careful never to show intolerance or hatred of drinking as an institution.
We talked of intolerance, while we were intolerant ourselves.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. What about "justifiable" anger? Nor were we ever skillful in separating justified from unjustified anger.
Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination, has its satisfactions for us, too.
Self-righteous anger also can be very enjoyable.
Everywhere he sees people filled with anger and fear, society breaking up into warring fragments.
Or anger and hurt pride might be the smoke screen under which we were hiding some of our defects while we blamed others for them.
Just saying it over and over will often enable us to clear a channel choked up with anger, fear, frustration, or misunderstanding, and permit us to return to the surest help of all -- our search for God's will, not our own, in the moment of stress.
That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday's and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotion -- anger, fear, jealousy, and the like.
To avoid falling into confusion over the names these defects should be called, let's take a universally recognized list of major human failings -- the Seven Deadly Sins of pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth.
If our tempers are consistently bad, we arouse anger in others.
If the pursuit of wealth tramples upon people who happen to be in the way, then anger, jealousy, and revenge are likely to be aroused.
We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.
Anger, resentments, jealously, envy, self-pity, hurt pride -- all led to the bottle.
Common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression.
The most common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression.
Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely.
We had to see that when we harbored grudges and planned revenge for such defeats, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger we had intended to use on others.
In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like.
We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Then too, we view with much concern those A.A. treasuries which continue, beyond prudent reserves, to accumulate funds for no stated A.A. purpose. Instincts restored to true purpose. Tradition Six -- "An A.A. group ought never endorse, finance or lend the A.A. name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose."
Creation gave us instincts for a purpose.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Moreover, it is usually a fact that our behavior when drinking has aggravated the defects of others. Yet no alcoholic, soberly analyzing his destructive behavior, whether the destruction fell on the dining-room furniture or his own moral fiber, can claim "soundness of mind" for himself. Then, for good measure, we add dramatic descriptions of that part of our drinking behavior which our friends probably know about anyhow.
Our behavior will convince them more than our words.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
There is only one key, and it is called willingness. Though self-will may slam it shut again, as it frequently does, it will always respond the moment we again pick up the key of willingness. All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith, and every A.A. meeting is an assurance that God will restore us to sanity if we rightly relate ourselves to Him. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. At no time had we asked what God's will was for us; instead we had been telling Him what it ought to be.
That basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do God's will, was missing.
It is A.A.'s experience that particularly in these cases we ought to pray that God's will, whatever it is, be done for others as well as for ourselves.
We are sorry for what we have done and, God willing, it shall not be repeated.
They live today in the Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, which -- God willing -- shall sustain us in unity for so long as He may need us.
He hoped, God willing, that he might be able to find some of these treasures, too.
When they drive us blindly, or we willfully demand that they supply us with more satisfactions or pleasures than are possible or due us, that is the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection that God wishes for us here on earth.
Being wrecked in the same vessel, being restored and united under one God, with hearts and minds attuned to the welfare of others, the things which matter so much to some people no longer signify much to them.
But its object is always the same: to improve our conscious contact with God, with His grace, wisdom, and love.
Many of us have felt, for the first time, the Presence and Power of God within its walls.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
In a matter of fact way he told how two men had appeared in court, persuading the judge to suspend his commitment. Here was the threat of commitment, the loss of family and position, to say nothing of that intense mental and physical suffering which drinking always caused him. Most of us have entered the final stage with its commitment to health resorts, sanitariums, hospitals, and jails.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Subordinating personal aims to the common good is the essence of all Twelve Traditions. A.A.'s Twelve Traditions apply to the life of the Fellowship itself. On the next page, A.A.'s "12 Traditions" are seen in their so-called "short form" the form in general use today.
This is a condensed version of the original "long form" A.A. Traditions as first printed in 1946.
The Twelve Traditions ensure the unity of the Fellowship.
Twelve -- Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
Tradition Twelve -- "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."
"Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."
Over the years, every conceivable deviation from our Twelve Steps and Traditions has been tried.
There is, too, a rising interest in the Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous.
The "12 Traditions" of Alcoholics Anonymous are, we A.A.'s believe, the best answers that our experience has yet given to those ever-urgent questions, "How can A.A. best function?" and, "How can A.A. best stay whole and so survive?"
They live today in the Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, which -- God willing -- shall sustain us in unity for so long as He may need us.
Because A.A.'s Twelve Traditions repeatedly ask us to give up personal desires for the common good, we realize that the sacrificial spirit -- well symbolized by anonymity -- is the foundation of them all.
Unless there is approximate conformity to A.A.'s Twelve Traditions, the group, too, can deteriorate and die.
When A.A.'s Traditions were first published, in 1946, we had become sure that an A.A. group could stand almost any amount of battering.
Our Twelve Steps to recovery are suggestions; the Twelve Traditions which guarantee A.A.'s unity contain not a single "Don't."
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
To avoid falling into confusion over the names these defects should be called, let's take a universally recognized list of major human failings -- the Seven Deadly Sins of pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth. That is the measure of our character defects, or, if you wish, of our sins. I ruthlessly faced my sins and became willing to have my new-found Friend take them away, root and branch.
Must A.A.'s spend most of their waking hours drearily rehashing their sins of omission or commission?
They always discovered that relief never came by confessing the sins of other people.
In belaboring the sins of some religious people, we could feel superior to all of them. Alcoholics Anonymous / 12 Steps & 12 Traditions
In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. For example, we may set our hearts on getting a particular person sobered up, and after doing all we can for months, we see him relapse. Though it is infinitely better that he have no relapse at all, as has been true with many of our men, it is by no means a bad thing in some cases.
In most cases, the alcoholic survived this ordeal without relapse, but not always.
So we shall describe some of the mental states that precede a relapse into drinking, for obviously this is the crux of the problem.
Some people are unable to stay sober at all; others will relapse periodically until they really clean house.
Above all, he believed he had acquired such a profound knowledge of the inner workings of his mind and its hidden springs that relapse was unthinkable.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
But just like all other societies, we do have sex and marital problems, and sometimes they are distressingly acute. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. Unreasonable fear that our instincts will not be satisfied drives us to covet the possessions of others, to lust for sex and power, to become angry when our instinctive demands are threatened, to be envious when the ambitions of others seem to be realized while ours are not.
We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose.
In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem.
Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes.
We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct.
If our sex conduct is selfish, we may excite jealousy, misery, and a strong desire to retaliate in kind.
Suppose a person places sex desire ahead of everything else.
And even while staying within conventional bounds, many people have to admit that their imaginary sex excursions are apt to be all dressed up as dreams of romance.
Our desires for sex, for material and emotional security, and for an important place in society often tyrannize us.
One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation.
If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life.
We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
We all have sex problems.
When, and how, and in just what instances did my selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and me?
So these desires -- for the sex relation, for material and emotional security, and for companionship -- are perfectly necessary and right, and surely God-given.
But drinking does complicate sex relations in the home.
Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?
When the satisfaction of our instincts for sex, security, and society becomes the sole object of our lives, then pride steps in to justify our excesses.
God alone can judge our sex situation.
Questioning directed to this end might run like this: Looking at both past and present, what sex situations have caused me anxiety, bitterness, frustration, or depression?
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing.
In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened.
Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes.
Nearly every sound human being experiences, at some time in life, a compelling desire to find a mate of the opposite sex with whom the fullest possible union can be made -- spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
At heart we had all been abnormally fearful. But the minute we hired them, the ultraconservative and fearful ones shrilled, "Professionalism!" When prideful, angry, jealous, anxious, or fearful, we acted accordingly, and that was that.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
We made a list of people I had hurt or toward whom I felt resentment. I was not too well at the time, and was plagued by waves of self-pity and resentment. We have been driven to maudlin sympathy, to bitter resentment.
Because of resentment and drinking, he had not paid alimony to his first wife.
Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.
A great wave of outraged resentment engulfed the meeting, sweeping every member to a single resolve: "Out he goes!"
It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents -- anyone can increase the list.
Resentment grows.
We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them.
Never forget that resentment is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic.
But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave.
Resentment is the "number one" offender.
The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear.
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.
You should warn against arousing resentment or jealousy.
The elder statesman is the one who sees the wisdom of the group's decision, who holds no resentment over his reduced status, whose judgment, fortified by considerable experience, is sound, and who is willing to sit quietly on the sidelines patiently awaiting developments.
Another feeling we are very likely to entertain is one of resentment that love and loyalty could not cure our husbands of alcoholism.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Besides, your sponsor already has the advantage of knowing something about your case. Enthusiastic over the spectacular recovery of a brother alcoholic, we'd sometimes discuss those intimate and harrowing aspects of his case meant for his sponsor's ear alone. Do we lay the matter before our sponsor or spiritual adviser, earnestly asking God's help and guidance -- meanwhile resolving to do the right thing when it becomes clear, cost what it may?
Then there are those occasions when alone, or in the company of our sponsor or spiritual adviser, we make a careful review of our progress since the last time.
Of course the sponsor points out that our friend's life is still unmanageable even though he is sober, that after all, only a bare start on A.A.'s program has been made.
The sponsor probably points out that the newcomer has some assets which can be noted along with his liabilities.
This the sponsor promptly proves by talking freely and easily, and without exhibitionism, about his own defects, past and present.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Besides, your sponsor already has the advantage of knowing something about your case. Enthusiastic over the spectacular recovery of a brother alcoholic, we'd sometimes discuss those intimate and harrowing aspects of his case meant for his sponsor's ear alone. Do we lay the matter before our sponsor or spiritual adviser, earnestly asking God's help and guidance -- meanwhile resolving to do the right thing when it becomes clear, cost what it may? Then there are those occasions when alone, or in the company of our sponsor or spiritual adviser, we make a careful review of our progress since the last time.
Of course the sponsor points out that our friend's life is still unmanageable even though he is sober, that after all, only a bare start on A.A.'s program has been made.
The sponsor probably points out that the newcomer has some assets which can be noted along with his liabilities.
This the sponsor promptly proves by talking freely and easily, and without exhibitionism, about his own defects, past and present.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)