On Deeper Reflection: Recent Episodes
Scott D. Weingart, MD
This episode is based on one of the most important books I have ever read: NonViolent Communication - A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg
Nonviolent Communication is one of the most powerful ways of speaking with people that I have ever come across. It eliminates useless strategies like judgment and proving yourself right and instead gives you absolutely tactical techniques to get the things you need for happiness for yourself and your interlocutor.
NVC is not a new, gimmicky set of dictum. It boils down the philosophies of Stoicism, the psychological approaches of CBT and cognitive psychology.
Marshall Rosenberg was a psychologist trained in the classical analytic, but found it unsatisfying and for the most part, unhelpful.
Speaking Giraffe vs. Speaking Jackal
NVC is not really a theory or a guide to behavior--it is a language!!!
Giraffes only hear feelings & needs, never thoughts
Jackal language is about judging, criticizing, analyzing, moralizing and accusing. When we feel unfairly treated, accused or when we want to impose our wishes, we tend to use the language of the jackal. Jackal language is separating. Giraffe language is unifying.
The System
There are essentially two major parts--The four component speech creation and emergency empathy
The Four Components
- Observation without Evaluation
There’s nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so. Shakespeare in Hamlet
Avoid generalization, only specifics (generally good to avoid the past as well)
Separate the observation from the evaluation or better yet, eliminate the evaluation
You are the most inconsiderate person--you are always late
J Krishnamurti: "observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence"
See page 30 for more on pitfalls in observing
- Feeling
Internal emotional states vs. thoughts/judgment
If you can replace I feel with I think--then it is not a feeling
If I feel is followed by: that, like, or as if then it is not a feeling
If I feel is followed by a name or pronoun (whether he, you, or I), then it is not a feeling
Eliminate the feel--and see if it still works I feel sad to I'm sad works. I feel
Could you feel it alone on a desert island--Ignored is not a feeling, unimportant is not a feeling, resentment is not a feeling b/c they require another to judge/act. It is a thought about how someone else is judging us
p.45 has a list of positive and negative feelings
Stoicism/CBT--We are the only ones responsible for our feelings
We are responsible for everything we do (Replace I have to with I choose to)
Do not connect the feelings to the observations through cause and effect. They relate--they are not caused by.
When I observe X, I feel Y
Even break it down to good/bad
People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them --Epictetus
"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" from "Hamlet" by William Shakespeare
- Needs
Rosenberg identifies human needs as safety, understanding, respect, warmth, autonomy, etc. When needs are expressed indirectly through assessments and behavioural diagnoses, people are likely to hear criticism and behave defensively or start talking back.
Needs
https://github.com/cognitivetech/Marshall-Rosenberg-NVC/blob/master/NVC-Training-3_The-4-Part-Model_Marshall-Rosenberg_transcript.md#universal-human-needs
To be Heard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Requests
Make the request--would you mind repeating back what you heard me say--I want to make sure I am not causing any misunderstandings
Specific, Doable, Optional, Positive Language
not vague, sweeping, negative, or demands
If they refuse, then they must make a counter-request
Can you repeat back what I heard--I wasn't as clear as I needed to be
You can never make anyone do anything!!!!
All conversation is transactional--when you think it is not, then it is usually b/c you are passively not acceding to the request
The ODR Podcast
On Deeper Reflection is a podcast on making our lives as happy and productive as possible! Today's episode deals with the bugbear of many in medicine--email.
Part II is now Up as Well
- Understand the Technology
Email is an amazing Technology!
Async-Mail Sync-Phone, Telegraph, Text, Chatapps, Email-Asynchronous with instant delivery--but this should not mean instant viewing
Philosophy is wrong, not tactics
Bad Solutions
An article on just keeping emails in inbox misses the entire point. There are only two acceptable solutions and ignoring email is definitely one of them, but inbox zero is the better version of that.
Inbox Zero
Arrival Rate vs. Departure Rate Every inbox item costs you decision dollars We don't want to make decisions
Too Much Email-No!!!!! Too Much Stuff I Just Check Once Per Day
Vs. I set aside time to do Deep Work Analogous to I took Facebook off my phone...
- Email Should Spark Joy
Used to have combined work and home Never, ever do this!!!! Separate Work and Email Work Check Once, while at work or every day depending on your job Horrible human being would email on Friday afternoon with something horrible
- Don't treat an async tech as sync
Don't expect or encourage real-time use It is fine to reply right away, but dissuade the belief that you will consistently Pacing
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Your Email Inbox cannot be your ToDo system
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Just 1 Touch
DoIt SystemIt DelegateIt SaveIt UnsubIt-goes back to brings joy, true joy--not dopamine hit FilterIt Trashit (actually archive) SpamIt Maybe-Bringit Back Services
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Archive, Don't Delete
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Search, Don't File
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Inbox Elimination to Keep You Honest
Too Many Inboxes Gmail Mailboxes
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Cut out Back & Forth Steps
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For Some Use cases, Are Slack/Basecamp/Teams the Solution?
Books to Read
You need to prune down to what is important!!! Life Changing! We'll do a book club on this one ASAP
Now on to the Podcast...
The episode that started it all... Use GTD to eliminate stress and make your life as joyful as possible