372 Pages We'll Never Get Back: Recent Episodes
372 Pages We'll Never Get Back
Conor Lastowka and Michael J. Nelson are reading books they're pretty sure they're going to hate. Read along with us for a podcast book clubs of Ready Player One, Armada, The Eye of Argon, Dan Brown, and more!
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The very last reading of Norman Boutin’s Empress Theresa DOES NOT DISAPPOINT! But, you ask, what happens to Steve Hartley? Does Jan Struthers become a successful wealth manager? President Martin – does he ever get prosecuted for attempting to murder a United States citizen? Is Prime Minister Blair able to keep his coalition together and maintain his office, or is he voted out? Israel: was their relocation successful? Does Pyongyang think it’s cool to have their country moved out into the ocean somewhere? Does OPEC continue? Does the oil exported from Theresa Isle ever go above five dollars per barrel? Do the thousands of silversmiths in the UK keep their lucrative jobs, or do the many new diamond merchants make them redundant?
Last question: does anyone fall asleep for six-hundred years and awake to find that they are going to be ruled by a bunch of 10-year-olds who have their growth stunted but have the equivalent of a hundred college degrees? (If it helps, they’re all wearing multi-colored arm bands…)
All these questions are answered, as are many others that no one even asked!
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Just a few of the ideas this book attempts to tackle:
An omnipotent entity transmitted to human beings by a fox.
Eternal daylight.
Tilting the axis of planet earth, i.e., eternal summer.
A new Jewish state.
Global price controls.
Harvesting precious metals from the sun.
Plywood. Purchased with help from butlers named Arthur.
It’s nearly impossible to describe the insanity contained in this thing. It’s madness wrapped in delusion surround by lunacy. But somehow Mike still struggles with Real or Fanfic.
READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish the book!
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Is it a novel? Is it a manifesto? Is it the written equivalent of “score settling” for past grievances big and small? It’s all of these things and so much more!
Puzzling, confounding, terribly written, way too long, sure: but coming up, we have it on the best of authority, our heroine plays quarterback in the Army/Navy game!
READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter 23.
Support the podcast on Patreon and get access to the entire 280 Mysteries catalog! https://patreon.com/372pages
Legendary Simpsons writer, showrunner, and executive producer Bill Oakley joins us to discuss his new audiobook, “Space 1972” and attempt to solve a mystery for 11 year olds!
Get Bill’s new audiobook Space 1972 on Audible or Amazon
And of course you’ll want to listen to Space 1969 first (Audible / Amazon)
And check out billoakley.com to see if one of his curated culinary events is coming to a town near you!
This isn’t the first book we’ve covered about an attractive young woman who gets implanted with a dark matter / alien / ancient lifeform by a visiting fox, survives an assassination attempt (via atomic bomb) by the president of the United States, is rescued by UK sailors, befriends Prime Minster Blair, goes hat shopping with her lady in waiting, becomes a global celebrity, and vacations with her young, clock-building husband in Paris (which she hates) and Dublin (which she loves), and we’re certain it won’t be the last. Still, parts of it are unique and worth talking about.
ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter 18 (a longer read, but there’ll be a bit more time)
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This one’s an E. Brown mystery kindly sent in by listener John: is Mike smarter than a 10 year-old?
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Get the book here
It’s finally here: a book that’s not Mayor of Noobtown! This is the inaugural episode of our new book Empress Theresa by Norman Boutin, and as such, Mike is required to be tested by the crucible of Real or Fanfic. It’s… well… you’ll have to listen. If, for some insane reason, medical or otherwise, you weren’t able to read Super Constitution, this is probably going to get you 90% of the “manifesto” nature of that with roughly twice the entertainment value (just back of the envelope calculations.)
Watch the horse ad here
ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 10
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Before we get to the meat and potatoes of it, Conor is challenged with a quiz from Mike. It’s quite a turnaround and is utterly un-skippable!
READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter 5.
Get the book here, but only click AFTER you’ve listened!!
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As any hero would say, without looking back at the smoking ruins / nearly dead enemy / exploding spaceship, “It’s over. It’s finally over.” It’s true: you can remove your hands from in front of your eyes and take out your earplugs: The Mayor of Noobtown is no more. It’s in distinguished publisher HarperCollins’ hands now.*
BUT, before we leave, we spend an inordinate amount of time dissecting the humor, the pathos, the… sharts that have made this such a poignant read. There are Dumb Sentences as well.
*Other authors they have published: Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, Richard Wright, Mark Twain, the Brontë sisters, Margaret Wise Brown, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, E.B. White, Herman Melville…
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Just one more reading of distinguished publisher Harper Collins’ soon-to-be runaway smash best seller The Mayor of Noobtown (featuring, so far, Jim, Shart, AltaVista, JoeBob, Ted Goblin and Jerry Wolf)! If you have been reading along (and if so, in the words of Jim Downey, “May God have mercy on your soul.”) then you’re already aware of the tack sharp humor of the author. But on the very remote chance that you aren’t reading along, Conor and Mike really drill down and circle back on the whole humor aspect. Also, Mike’s last stab at Real or Fanfic (it’s a doozy!) plus Dumb Sentences of the Week.
Reading Assignment: Finish the book!
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Conor v. Donald J. Sobol. Two men enter. Only one will leave.
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If you are reading along – and we’re gonna go ahead and assume you’re reading along – you’ll know that Conor and Mike are going discuss character sheets at great length. You could listen to an entire series of podcasts about character sheets and still not hear as much discussion of character sheets as you’ll get in this episode. Also lots of talk about doo-doo and wee-wee. Plus an EXTREMELY controversial episode of Real or Fanfic!
READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter 17, won’t you?
Read Jacob’s Chronotrigger paper here
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Can Conor crack the case of The Dwarf’s Beard? If you don’t say yes Sally is gonna sock you one real good!!
Don’t wanna be a NOOB? Then support the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode a week early plus other stuff we don’t post anywhere else! https://patreon.com/372pages
Ah, literature. Set your mind on higher things. Assuming that doo-doo and wee-wee are higher things. ‘Cause there’s a lot of it in a scant few chapters. And speaking of scant few chapters, Mike and Conor found enough in them to talk for nearly three hours!
However, in that time they managed to cram in your Dumb Sentences and Mike had time to consider your Real or FanFic submissions.
Assignment: Read thru Chapter 14
Listen to the entire 280 Mysteries archive and get every episode of the podcast a week early, only on our Patreon! https://patreon.com/372pages
It’s like we’ve always said here at 372 Pages, it’s about time someone took a real hard look at Wagon Masters! I don’t trust them. Never have. And this Encyclopedia Brown mystery really puts a period on that sentence.
Listen to see if Mike can crack the case and match the 10 year-old.
Is there a genre we at 372 Pages have not covered? Oh, yes. Yes there is. Join us as we dive into the wildly popular world of LitRPG and our latest book The Mayor of Noobtown
Buy the book here
Assignment: Read thru Chapter 7
Listen to the whole 280 Mysteries archive, that’s over 40 episodes, on our Patreon! patreon.com/372pages
Mike and Conor almost wanted to recuse themselves from this particular Encyclopedia Brown mystery because they both have stolen a LOT of Confederate stamps. Like, a lot. The Feds, Interpol, many organizations are seeking them out. Still, they came out of hiding to present you with this ep.
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How still we see thee DIE! Above thy CREEP (ahem Sharnek) and dreamless sleep the silent Scrumptious Scotch BARS go by. Yet in thy dark streets DIE-eth the everlasting FIGHT (with the suspect); the hopes and fears of all the BEERS (which are presumably served at the shady bar next to where Holly the professional dogwalker lives) are met in thee tonight.
You get the point. This Cozy Christmas Murder ain’t goin’ anywhere we didn’t expect it to. Although! I have many questions about Owl Protective Services that aren’t addressed in the book. (Please email me, michael j nelson, separately and we can enter into a discussion.)
Get the book here
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Ok, let’s tally up the cozy: Christmas beanies. Hot chocolate. Candy canes. Matching sweaters with cute doggo. Sentient owl. Butts. Poop. Murdered senior — all right, look! Maybe it’s not all cozy! Still, this is Full Fork, so I expect they will back up the cozy truck before too long.
As it is, the Real or Fanfic somehow doesn’t work out that well for Mike, however Dumb Sentences of the Week seem to right the ship. You be the judge.
Also, here is Ein the Corgi licking yogurt off the back of a spoon
Get the book here and then for next time, finish said book
Obviously you’re all thinking, “Donald Sobel wrote an Encyclopedia Brown Mystery about the 1993 Georgia Satellites song?! Weird. But very intriguing!” Sadly, no. This was written eight years prior to its release. The solution is utter madness.
We went over some of the thousands and thousands of cozy mysteries out there before deciding on OWL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS as our 2025 cozy. Revisit the contenders!
Assignment: Read thru Chapter 8
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This is it, the final episode of Dan Brown’s Deception Point, a book so dumb it raises (lowers?) the level at which a 372 book can be labelled as “dumb.” It’s entire galaxies of dumb-ness. The list of things dumber than it is very small. Dumb and Dumber contains less than a third of the dumbness as this book. There was a lot to talk about here, not the least of which is the “gorge of teeth” that came at one of the Delta sisters (I assume they were a trio of dancing triplets, the book never explicitly says.)
*”Prize-winning astrophysicist Corky Marlinson….Corky Marlinson was as brilliant and respected as they came… Marlinson’s ideas on gravitational fields were legendary among NRO satellite engineers.”
Pigs are stolen. Gooses killed, gutted, de-feathered, roasted over spits and eaten by drifters. And, evidently, dogs are wounded. Idaville’s an odd place.
Can Mike crack the case?!
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Find out how this book compares to the works of Tolstoy, Virginia Woolf and Rush. And while you’re at it, follow the exploits of Hot Sexton and her father Senator Sexton Sedgewick. Does triple PhD Dr. Marlinson get his tongue caught in an old timey clothes wringer?! You’ll have to listen to find out. Track Mike’s results on Real or Fanfic and get a load of the Dumb Sentences of the Week.
Listen to the complete 280 Mysteries archive, including our brand new episode with Joel McHale, only on the 372 Pages Patreon! https://patreon.com/372pages
Watch goose* is a thing, everyone. Seriously. We don’t like it anymore than you do, but it’s a thing. Mike tries to crack the case.
*”Guard goose” would also be an accepted term.
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Courvoisier-sipping senator Sedgewick Sexton; the hideous, grotesque, smoke-spewing, long-limbed inhuman creature Marjorie Tench; and Deltas One, Two and Three are just a few of the characters discussed in this episode. So much happens. So many words are misused. So many editors went un-hired. It’s a wonder we could fit in Real or Fanfic as well as Dumb Sentences of the Week.
READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through Chapter 100. If you dare!
Get the book here
Listen to the entire 280 Mysteries archive on our patreon! patreon.com/372pages
For once, once, it’s a hitchhiker that’s hungry and not a damn hippo! Anyway, Conor throws Donald J. Sobel’s mystery at Mike and Mike attempts to hit it out of the park. Does he succeed? You’ll have to listen.
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Dan Brown is back! The author of Digital Fortress (and, okay, if I have to mention it, The Da Vinci Code) is typing up words and phrases and clauses as fast as his fingers can go. Most are, well, not very good – but there are a lot of them!
Yes, the episode is long. But think of it this way: if you are taking a dogsled trip somewhere above the Arctic circle, what else you got to do but listen, feed the dogs, hang onto the sled and not get thrown by helicopter into a ravine?
(We have pledged not to spend too long a time on this book so we’re doubling up our readings. That makes your assignment READ THROUGH CHAPTER 64. Then you will be the SHERIFF OF 64 CHAPTERS!)
Get Deception Point here (affiliate link)
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We kick off another voyage into the microchapter world of Dan Brown! Plus we’ll hear all about a recent humiliation Mike suffered on the tennis court and read some listener emails.
Get Deception Point here (affiliate link)
Assignment: Read thru Chapter 31
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In this ep, Conor attempts once again to unravel the many strange threads of Donald J. Sobel. This one involves Melvin Pugh, Idaville’s genius boy inventor, and his latest creation, which can only be described as a Hell of a Rig.
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Yes, all the things we in America know so well and love so much come together (much like dodgems) in one final episode!
This episode has it all: horrible, ghoulish holiday-makers, Farm Supply delivery men, cunning King Crabs, colonels who are probably earlier colonels but never mind, and of course train drivers just weeks away from retirement who scream themselves awake nearly every night during a nightmare about their bridge crossings.
Includes some Listener Mail and of course Dumb Sentences of the Week.
Get the book here: https://amzn.to/4n7oia9
Gallery of referenced images here: https://imgur.com/a/d0JDVh3
It’s Conor’s turn to solve the mystery, and Mike has picked out a fiendish one. There are five clues this time, and in a series where even the sole clue a mystery hinges on likely doesn’t make a lot of sense, this means we’re in for a wild ride!
Support the podcast on Patreon to gain access to the entire back catalog of 280 Mysteries including some with special guests that you can only find there. Plus be the first to find out what our next book is after Night of the Crabs! patreon.com/372pages
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Read along with us, get the book here
If you’re even vaguely considering listening to this particular episode, please consider this: a severely hung-over Colonel Goode eats Mrs. Jones’ porridge! Also, please know that Bartholomew suffered dearly; that his last moments on earth were filled with pain and horror beyond anything experienced by any single human throughout all of history.
Also, check out Mike on Real or Fanfic!
READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish the book!
Get access to the complete 280 Mysteries archive on our Patreon: patreon.com/372pages
Yes, the smartest man we’ve ever met – and we’ve met dozens of men – joins us in an attempt to outwit Idaville’s greatest boy detective. See if Jeopardy host Ken Jennings can assist Mike with The Case of the Carousel Horse!
Pre-order Ken’s new book, The Complete Kennections, out on 7/29: https://amzn.to/4mTjVPN
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Get the book here
Rejoice with Conor and Mike as they read through a new book that was not written by Colleen Hoover!! This one features a pipe-smoking botanist, bathing costumes, Torgo-esque beachcombers, nosy-parkers, guys in pumps, wide-faced handsome men with mahogany faces and, of course, Pat Benson.
Assignment: Read thru Chapter 9
We just announced our next 372 Pages book on our Patreon! Find out what it is, and get access to the complete 280 Mysteries archive, by supporting the podcast! patreon.com/372pages
Two prize winning pigs have gone missing in Idaville, and our intrepid Boy Detective suspects a brand new gang. How many gangs are operating in Idaville and how do things manage to stay relatively peaceful between them? You’d have to imagine there would be all sorts of territory disputes, not to mention horrific initiation rituals and shakedowns of local merchants for protection money.
Nevertheless, there are pigs to be found, and Mike’s going to see if Conor can crack the case!
Get access to the complete 280 Mysteries archive, including the episode we just recorded with Jeopardy host Ken Jennings, on the 372 Patreon: patreon.com/372pages
Sally is once again pounding Bugs’ face into oblivion, Encyclopedia is still sucking in the gasoline fumes from his makeshift cash register, and people in Idaville are still doin’ some crimes!
Let’s see if Conor can crack the case!
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All good things must come to an end. Also, Ugly Love must come to an end, and it does, in our final episode. Does Miles end up with Ian? Does Dillion end up with Rachel? What kind of pain is Miles keeping contained? Is it exactly what you thought it was the very moment you “met” Miles? You’ll have to listen to find out. (Because you’re obviously not reading along, are you? ARE YOU?)
Link to CoHo Bingo
Get access to the complete 280 Mysteries archive by supporting us on Patreon! patreon.com/372pages
We’re back to Idaville, the boy detective, Leroy Brown, replete with gangs of roving toughs, girls breaking boys jaws: you know, the usual stuff. But can Mike crack this very, very tough case?
Support the podcast on Patreon, where you’ll be the first to learn what we’re reading next and get access to a whole archive of stuff we’ve never released on the free feed! patreon.com/372pages
If you’ve stuck with us this far you must be a fan of the words “kiss” and “heart.” And of the phrase “cut my eyes” and “gripped the doorframe.” In this episode, Conor and Mike speculate like mad about the fate of Rachel, Clayton, Dillon, Lisa, Paige Donahue, and of course, Gary.
Does Mike continue his insane, career-topping totals at Real or Fanfic? You’ll have to listen.
READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish the book!
Ugly Love merch gallery
Support the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode a week early, plus access to the 280 Mysteries archive, plus fun stuff like the Choose Your Own Adventure live stream we did last month! patreon.com/372pages
To be clear, Dillon is terrible. BUT he’s the least like a cardboard cutout of all these dumbasses (which is not high praise, but there it is.)
If you are craving plot, please look elsewhere. All we know is that Mike’s middle name is nearly revealed, but Conor’s love for all things Marx Brothers is shouted from the rooftops. Real or Fanfic is conquered, Dumb Sentences are reviewed, and after all is said and done, Miles gets no more interesting.
READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through Chapter 30
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There’s no bunnies or smoking jackets, but there is a frightened playboy. Let’s see if Mike can solve the case!
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Look, Cap is a ghost. Or a specter. Or a haint, or something old-timey, and Tater is clearly either dead or in another realm (full disclosure: that is Mike’s guess. Conor has other theories) but no matter what realm we’re in, this much does not change: Miles is a dumb ass. And he likes kissing. Tasting and kissing. But mostly kissing.
Does Mike do well at Real or Fanfic? Well, we wish we could center justify this text as a clue, but Patreon doesn’t allow it. I think the larger point is that he likes orange juice.
READING ASSIGNMENT: Please. Read. Through. Chapter 22.
Support the podcast on Patreon, where you get access to the complete 280 archive, every episode a week early, and other fun stuff! https://patreon.com/372pages
Join us once again in Batshitcrazytown, USA, aka Idaville, where Encyclopedia Brown is attempting to solve a case that initially appears to be an attempted murder, but fortunately only ends up beating a savage beating during a home invasion. How many rich people live in Idaville and just how rich are they? Maybe we’ll find out more in this episode, which features one of Donald J Sobal’s most excrutiating ‘solutions’ thus far.
Support the podcast on Patreon, where you get to hear everything before everybody else and get a bunch of stuff we only post there! https://patreon.com/372pages
Get the book here (affiliate link): https://amzn.to/4kKujs4
Ah, a fresh author, a fresh book, a new start; meeting new characters, exciting new locat– wait. What? Half the chapters are center justified?! And half the words in those chapters are “Rachel”?! And fully half of the characters have distinct odors and / or flavors? Ok… Let’s read through Ugly Love.
READING ASSIGNMENT: All the way through Chapter 15
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Craig Finn of The Hold Steady joins our little podcast and the results are nothing short of spectacular. His new book and his upcoming tour with Bob Mould of Hüsker Dü are of course discussed (and Mike somehow refrained from telling him the story of how Hüsker Dü’s Grant Hart and he once emptied garbage cans together…) BUT more importantly, he is presented with an Encyclopedia Brown mystery and it’s everything you’d want it to be.
Even bigger news. I mean, huge, can’t-be-overstated news: he settles a very long time musical feud between Conor and Mike. It does not go how either one of them expected.
Get Craig’s new album Always Been and the companion book Lousy With Ghosts here
Check out his podcast That’s How I Remember It
Subscribe to his Substack
Support the podcast on Patreon, where they found out what the book was a week ago! https://patreon.com/372pages
It’s been 32 books, but it’s finally time for us to learn what the most popular author on the planet, Colleen Hoover is all about. This book is “Ugly Love” which has about as many reviews on Goodreads as every book we’ve covered on the podcast combined. Despite the fact that it is, by all accounts, not very good. And yes, at least one of us is already familiar with that passage from it…
We’ll discuss CoHo and the CoHorts and then Conor challenges Mike to a Price Is Right style game based on our back catalog’s popularity on Goodreads.
Assignment: Read thru Chapter 8
Get the book here (affiliate link): https://amzn.to/4kKujs4
List of 372 Pages books on Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/list/show/135754.372_Pages_We_ll_Never_Get_Back
Here’s another diabolic mystery concerning Idaville’s very own cryptid, the legendary SKUNK APE! It also, for the third time since we started doing these, involves a pilfered string instrument.
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This is our last reading of The Legend of Rah & the Muggles, so obviously, the following things will be resolved, wrapped up, made clear, etc.
-The golden key
-The box in the cave
-Rah and Zyn’s parents
-Sir Geoffrey
-The Worry Stone
-The letter from their mother
-How many Manchineet trees are there and should they destroy them?
-Can eating grass alone sustain a(n admittedly mutated) human being for seven years?
So, yeah: all wrapped up. We have no further questions.
Here is a gallery of images discussed in the episode
In our latest foray into Idaville based petty crime, Mike will not be alone in his attempt to solve a mystery. He’ll also have to compete with legendary ne’er-do-well Bugs Meany, who has started his own detective agency to compete with Bad Bad Leroy.
This episode features one of the more legendary solutions we’ve encountered in the run of the podcast, so you’ll definitely want to listen because this one absolutely would not hold up in a court of law.
Let’s start by confessing that, yes; The Legend of Rah & the Muggles is obviously a children’s book. I mean, the nuclear holocaust on page one. The small, deformed, hairless creatures getting dragged away by terrifying rodents. Giant horse ants. Fruit worms. This is kid stuff.
Still! That does not deter Mike nor Conor from doing their sacred duty to talk at length about Uncle Fred, a character mentioned once in a poem!
For next time: finish the damn book!
Witness Intimidation is all the rage in Idaville, as Mike tries to solve the most insanely diabolical “mystery” the boy detective and your hosts have encountered so far. Sobol, you monster!
Support the podcast on Patreon and get access to over 30 more 280 Mysteries! Plus get access to all 372 Episodes a week early and other fun stuff. patreon.com/372pages
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Get the book here:
Strange, hairless beings. Weird animals. Aquatic creatures. Caretakers caked with their own filth. And these are just the people making this podcast. Now throw in, by far, the oddest musical score ever conceived by the human mind, and you have the first episode of The Legend of Rah and the Muggles (formerly “Rah.” Before the lawsuits….)
Link to the Soundcloud gallery of Mugglebyes
ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 8
WOW! Mentions of Garrett P. Serviss, the phrase “a lick and a promise”, balloon clowns, kidnapping and Reverends. Also, find out if Mike improves on his .500 record of solving E. Brown mysteries.
If you like 280 Mysteries, please support the 372 Pages Patreon, where you can get immediate access to the whole back catalogue of episodes and first listen to new ones. patreon.com/372pages
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In this episode we’ll cover the wild backstory of our 32nd book “The Legend of Rah and the Muggles”. You may have heard about the 2001 lawsuit regarding this and the author’s other books about “Larry Potter” but trust us, the details are wilder than you can imagine.
Buy the book here
Borrow it from The Internet Archive here
Read the court case here
Archived version of realmuggles.com
Assignment: Read thru Chapter Four.
Thanks to everyone who supported the podcast on Patreon in 2024. Hear all 30+ 280 Mysteries, get every new 372 a week early, and other fun stuff if you join us there in 2025! patreon.com/372pages
Mike did pretty well in his first attempt to solve an Encyclopedia Brown mystery. But will he be able to match wits with Idaville’s most famous boy detective and crack The Case of Merko’s Grandson? Take a listen and find out!
Thanks to everyone who supported the podcast on Patreon this year. Don’t miss out on getting every new episode early plus all the other fun stuff we have planned for 2025! https://patreon.com/372pages
Ahhh, coziness. Licorice. The sound of ice cream being slopped down while kidnap victims await their fate. Long arms being deftly handled by possibly-retired FBI agents. Birdhouses being made in old, decrepit shoe stores. English paper piecing being done in front of gasping crowds. Reincarnated cat-husbands sneering at your life choice – OH, OH! And gangland murder!!
Yes, we reluctantly bid ahoy to The Quilting Cruise, to Miranda Downing née Hathaway, and yet somehow Mike still has to do Real or Fanfic! How WE ask you, is that possible, this being the last reading of this book?
How?
Over on the 372 Patreon, which you should join now, we’ve been doing an entire second podcast for a year and a half now called 280 Mysteries We’ll Never Get Back where we explore the insane world of Idaville and it’s world famous boy detective Encyclopedia Brown. We challenge each other, as well as hilarious guests, to solve the oftentimes impossible mysteries!
In this first episode, Conor challenges Mike to solve The Case of The Glass of Ginger Ale. Will he have any luck cracking it??
This was originally posted on our Patreon. If you like them, we’ve got a whole bunch more if you sign up! https://patreon.com/372pages
Support the podcast on Patreon where you get every episode a week early and lots of other fun stuff: https://patreon.com/372pages
Get the book here https://amzn.to/41qteP7
Redwork is finally explained. As are blackwork, bluework and greenwork. Also (drool alert!) cruise ship food is repeatedly mentioned. I’ve also heard that The Captain’s Dinner happens. And for those of you champing at the bit, YES, Conor recruits the fine men and women who do their great work on the Dark Web.
Plus, there’s Mail and Dumb Sentences!
Gallery of images discussed in the episode including many beautiful quilts from our listeners: https://imgur.com/a/quilters-cruise-ep-2-pictures-55N7cXK
Support the podcast on Patreon and get to hear all the stuff we talk about on here that isn’t available anywhere else, plus get every episode a week early! patreon.com/372pages
Get the book here (we may earn a commission from this link)
Mike and Conor are back in the CozQuiltPlasVerse (still haven’t fully shaken the last book…) You know what that means: Longarms are mastered by devastatingly handsome ex-law enforcement agents. Jeopardy is watched while things happen. Character names fly at you like fake snowflakes on the set of Hot Frosty.
Plus, Mike and Conor go head-to-head in Real or FanFic, we read some mail and we go through the Dumb Sentences of the Week.
Assignment: Read thru Chapter 17
It’s cozy season! It’s cruise season! Wait, can it be BOTH??
Get the book here https://amzn.to/4fzHWa1 (affiliate link)
If you supported the podcast on Patreon you’d have already been cozy for a week because we post every episode there a week early! Plus we have another ENTIRE PODCAST on there where we try to solve old Encyclopedia Brown mysteries, sometimes with special guests! https://patreon.com/372pages
Jonathan’s song: 372pages.com/recapsong.mp3 and all the images we discuss in this episode: https://imgur.com/a/RjzYnWN
ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 9
Support the podcast on Patreon where you can hear our latest attempts to solve insane Encyclopedia Brown mysteries with special guests Alex Schmidt, John Hodgman, and David Roth! https://patreon.com/372pages
Finally, the most pressing questions are answered: who is Mrs. Juneanne Stackpoole? Will Anselmo be as big a character as we always assumed? What’s the latest from the Thelwell Brokerage Services?!
Oh, also, though it doesn’t matter or count in the least, the Real of FanFic, Mike v. Conor is tallied.
Plus some listener mail and Dumb Sentences of the Week.
Support the podcast on Patreon, where you get every episode early as well as all the other fun stuff we talk about on these eps! https://patreon.com/372pages
We have what you all crave: tantalizing new facts about Sid. Also, without noting it we meet what we have to imagine is the 750th character in this relatively short book.
Dumb Sentences join our final Real or FanFic of this book, and, at long last, the full clip that should put to rest the eternal question, “Who is Jim Dalen?”
Support the podcast on Patreon. Special guest have started joining us for 280 Mysteries! https://patreon.com/372pages
We’ve kept you waiting long enough: time to find out the moisture level of Sid’s facial hair and to name the implement or implements he uses to groom it. Also, our experimental Real or FanFic continues to go swimmingly / terribly, depending on whether you’re Team Conor or Team Mike.
ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 31
Support the podcast on Patreon so you can hear our recap of the previous 7 books in the series, Encyclopedia Brown mysteries, and all the other stuff we talk about in this episode! http://patreon.com/372pages
So many characters! Why?
Ok, we’ve calmed down now. We’re back in the Tek-verse. We’re happy, I wouldn’t hesitate to say, to be here.
Get the book here.
READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through Chap. 21
If you were on Patreon this would be old news because we announced it there a week ago! Support the podcast here: patreon.com/372pages
The new book is announced! Since it is one of a series, we bring everyone up to date with excerpts of previous books AND Mike tells another story about his dad (squeamish discretion advised.)
Get the book here but no peeking ’til you’ve heard us reveal it! https://amzn.to/3Y6dS0z (affiliate link)
ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 11
Support the podcast on Patreon, where you can hear us chat with Paul Scheer and find out what our next book is before anybody else! http://patreon.com/372pages
Our final episode of Ernest Cline’s Bridge to Bat City and it may not surprise you learn that Cline wraps everything up in exactly the way you’d expect him to.
There’s a lot of Listener Mail, including some pretty good theories #cough harperlee cough trumancapote#, as well as a load of Dumb Sentences, and statistics on Mike’s Real or Fanfic.
But to start it all off, many people wrote in with some truly stunning news ripped right from today’s headlines. (I don’t think we’ve EVER had anything quite this on the nose before.)
NOTE: We had some minor audio issues (blame on some new gear in Mike’s rig.) so we’ll make it up to y’all with a Bonus tbd. Thanks.
Alejandro’s updated artwork
Bat researcher Merlin Tuttle crying
Jonah’s statistics
Opal’s “cameo” in Slacker
Jacob’s list of kids books from 1927: https://372pages.com/kidsbooks.pdf
Don’t be a Muckerno, support the Podcast on Patreon! Get every episode a week early, plus a ton of other bonus stuff that we don’t put on the free feed! https://patreon.com/372pages
Shocking – truly SHOCKING – news that will shake up the 372 community almost as much as the scandal surrounding our last cozy mystery. Not since Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Academy Awards while that guy streaked across the stage behind David Niven has there been anything this “watercooler-talk-worthy” (<—— huh, kids? 8 year-olds, you’re eating this up, aren’t you?)
Mike and Conor continue to delve into the story of Opal and how she can communicate with bats because she was sucked up into a UFO, and now she rambles (i.e., “drives around in a car”) with her uncle Roscoe, a serious loser who destroyed his family farm, owes thousands in back taxes, and sneaks into alleys behind music clubs so he doesn’t have to pay the seventy-five cent cover charge.
All the departments are here and as a final reading assignment, FINISH THE BOOK!
(And yes, Mike forgot that a kind listener had already done a “We Didn’t Start the Fire” parody. Could we have edited it out? Sure, but why not mock him instead?)
Gallery of illustration “similarities” submitted by Jay: https://imgur.com/a/wUajGQP
Support the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode early, plus hear Mike’s Bat Story, Conor’s Paul Harvey tapes, an entire bonus podcast about Encyclopedia Brown and more! https://patreon.com/372pages
Bats can read! Or they can’t! But we know they spread mojo which causes people to groove. That’s just science.
Mike does Real or Fanfic (“does” in this context means “participates in”), we have Dumb Sentences, and we read some mail!
Finally, a reminder from the CDC: Bats are the leading cause of rabies deaths in people in the United States. People and domestic animals should avoid contact with bats. Bats should never be kept as pets. Rabies can spread to people from bats after minor, seemingly unimportant, or unrecognized bites or scratches.
Get the book here. (Affiliate Link)
ASSIGNMENT: Read until the sentence “And that’s how Opal and the bats made friends with Richard Linklater and Lee Daniel and helped out the crew of Slacker, one of the best films ever made about Austin and the people who live there.”
Support the podcast on Patreon and get to hear stuff we don’t post anywhere else! This week included Mike’s dramatic courtroom reading of a Prince song and Conor’s epic roast of a 70 year old folk son. http://patreon.com/372pages
Witness the exact moment that Cline fully becomes Cline! Also, lots of mean-spirited men in hard hats, as well as tons of references to classic 80s songs from the 60s and 70s. The Dark Web is pressed into service, and Mike just might up his batting average at Real or Fanfic.
READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through Chapter 15 PANIC ON THE STREETS OF AUSTIN
Get the big ole beautiful book here: https://amzn.to/3TRVmoL (affiliate link)
Support the Patreon to mainline Cline before anyone else! You’ll also get to hear our other podcast 280 Mysteries We’ll Never Get Back on off weeks! https://patreon.com/372pages
Ernest Cline, the founder of our feast here at 372 Pages, is back with another book, Bridge to Bat City. A day after its release, Conor and Mike review the first few chapters, take on some Dumb Sentences, Mike fails at Real or Fanfic and Conor reads some mail.
In other words, despite barely dipping a toe in, it’s a jam packed episode.
Get the big ole beautiful book here: https://amzn.to/3TRVmoL (affiliate link)
Assignment: Read thru Chapter 10
Media:
Cline at Wootstock
The RiffTrax guys at Wootstock
Megamania footage
Alejandro’s 372 character compendium
Thank you to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode a week early, get an entire other podcast you won’t find anywhere else, and learn about the next book before anyone else! You’d have to be a real U-ket to miss out! https://patreon.com/372pages
We end it. The book, that is. Not the world itself. That’s up to the Demon Witches and Monchi. And the humans. And the mages. And Theo. And Jennifer. And Jasmine. And the girls. And the undead Egyptians. And the Nryphons. And the eagles. And the people of Telmar. And the Lords (you know, the ones we hold “the festival” for, even during the very darkest times of war?”) And the ever-present pork – look, we’re all happy this is over.
If you still want to read the book, it’s available here. (affiliate link)
Media:
Picture of the Columbus, OH White Horse Sallon (discovered by Marc)
Various decorative pillow pictures taken by Conor over the years
EDIT: Robert Byrd’s “War!” can be found at the 4:27 mark of this video
Support the Patreon and get every episode a week early, plus access to an entire second podcast, contests, and more! http://patreon.com/372pages
Look, yes, it’s longer than a normal episode. But to answer your question we’re less picky about the typos than we have been for the last three episodes!!
There is in the middle of this reading one of the most insane things that has ever happened in any book. Any book we’ve yet read. Truly.
And for what it’s worth Conor tackles Real or Fanfic this time and whether or not he does better than Mike is neither here nor there, why are you asking? Plus, a new Dumb Sentence song by HAYDEN!
Read along with us, get the book here. (affiliate link)
Assignment: Finish the damn book!
Don’t be a Monchi, support the podcast with a Patreon subscription! https://patreon.com/372pages
Read along with us! Ebook available here. (affiliate link)
Hey, hey! Under three hours, a truly compact episode. But the creatures mentioned continue to get stranger and more macabre: Demons, Gryphons, Nryphons, the Balls (Fire and Sylvia), Clam Woman, Man Mom and Almost Dad.
Plus, listeners continue to absolutely pummel Mike at Real or FanFic. I mean, like a mace-to-his-face pummel, blood everywhere, skull shattered. Happily Zoser was there to make things right.
Also, many, many, many Dumb Sentences featuring a new theme!
ASSIGNMENT: Read thru the chapter “In the third world”
Support the podcast on Patreon! It’s what Sylvia Ball would do.
Look, we can explain – there’s just so much to cover! Every single sentence, every exchange, every plot advancement brings whole new galaxies of madness.
Included in the mighty length of this episode are some Dumb Sentences (along with a new theme!) and see if Mike can improve upon his dismal Real or FanFic score.
Many thanks to listener Jonathan for his Dumb Sentence theme (we will probably debut others as well in the coming weeks.) Thanks, Jonathan!
Get the book here (affiliate link)
READING ASSIGNMENT: Read Chap 5 Messenger of the King
Support the podcast on Patreon to gain our eternal trust and respect! http://patreon.com/372pages
Thus, an epic episode. The, longest, maybe, ever? (just making sure your reading the book…….)
True and utter madness, like nothing we’ve ever read before on 372 Pages. Seriously. It is not hyperbole; this is deranged, and you must read along, if only to prove we’re not going slowly insane.
Get the book here (affiliate link)
Assignment: Read the next two chapters.
Join the 372 Patreon where all the crazy stuff happens! Get every episode a week early, plus our sub-podcast where we try to solve insane Encyclopedia Brown mysteries, and much more! http://patreon.com/372pages
Spoiler: frosting is discussed at some length. As are dreams, and if there’s anything more exciting than hearing about someone else’s dream, I’D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS!!
If you don’t want to listen to the nonsense, you can find the new book here (affiliate link)
Assignment: read up to the chapter titled “The Realm of Eris”
Thanks to everyone who supported the podcast on Patreon this year. We absolutely would not do it if you weren’t there for us. Join the fun next year! http://patreon.com/372pages
We end the year with absolutely blockbuster news. Seriously, a twist so shocking that no cozy writer could ever conceive of it. We won’t spoil it, but we tackle the revelation at the very beginning so be prepared to be stunned.
That aside, this reading is full of hot shoulders, chilled breasts and lots of folksy Uncle Kidd wisdom. Not to mention the solution to the central mystery!
Get the book on kindle and paperback
Get How to Write and Market a Christmas Cozy Mystery here (affiliate links)
T. Lockhaven’s “Resource” page for “writing” your own: https://christmascozymystery.com/resources
Support the podcast on Patreon! By the time this posts, we’ll already have posted the next episode on there! http://patreon.com/372pages
Time to check in with Murphy, Carmen, Ophelia, Uncle Kidd, Marisol, Granddaddy, Aunt Lucy, Aunt Lindy, Darbie Grimes, Darbie Grimes’ mother, three dead husbands killed in an unknown accident, Simon, Lawrence Galloway, Miquel, Douglas, Judge Ed Simpson, Paul Turner, Phyllis Newton, Bailey Fox, Jerry, Mandy, Charles Deever, Dan Stevens, Mrs. Dan Stevens, Dr. Garrett, Melva Brooks, Lorine Reynolds, Pastor Mark Reed, Janet Crosby, Sherriff Ken Grayson, and Walter Green of Sunflower, Texas.
Santa dies, the blood pools around his head, his hair and presumably some flesh are stuck on the bedpost of our narrator and the handsome sheriff is covering up the fact that obviously foul play is involved. In other words, cozy!
READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish the book.
Get the book here (affiliate link)
Support the podcast on Patreon where they found out what this book is a week ago! patreon.com/372pages
In real time, Mike and Conor select their next book – and we guarantee it will be cozy! Select your hugest, fuzziest slippers (preferably cartoon-based), your giant cup of cocoa, we’re talking soup bowl sized with a handle on the side, and get a fire going, anywhere. Even if you don’t have a fireplace.
It’s cozy time!
If you don’t want to listen, you can find the book in paperback and on kindle (affiliate links)
ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 7
Support the podcast on Patreon! We have a video tier now so you can see us mispronounce things in real time! http://patreon.com/372pages
An absolutely epic end to an epic book. Let’s list them off: giant gorillas, chimpanzees, giant ostriches, gigantic komodo-looking dragons, witch princesses in sheer linen gowns: it’s obvious Larry got a little excited and wrote the end of this one.
No Real or Fanfic; however Mike’s stats on this are discussed. Spoiler alert. They are not good. New book announcement coming very soon.
Here’s Denise’s Moepek rewrite/reimagining that we talk about at the beginning of the show: https://amzn.to/3sNig7b (affiliate link!)
Support the podcast on Patreon, where you’ll get every episode a week early, extra stuff you can’t get anywhere else, contests, and more! http://patreon.com/372pages
Incredible – truly incredible – Larry and Denise stuff in this section. The vast majority of this reading could have been submitted as Real or Fanfic and fooled Mike every time. And speaking of, please listen in if only to hear Mike fail miserably at Real or Fanfic! READING
ASSIGNMENT: sigh Finish the book.
Join the fun on Patreon, where you get every episode a week early, participate in our discord, and get lots of other stuff you can’t get anywhere else. patreon.com/372pages
Like jumping into a waterfall and landing in a Nile River of madness, The Adventures of the Teen Archaeologists (Book 1) The Land of the Moepeks by Larry and Denise Ellis does not disappoint. The character names come at you fast and furious, there’s a disproportionate amount of yelling, a ton of sarcasm, some non-caring remarks, and best of all, flying dinosaurs from Flying Dinosaur Island which is right next door to the Land of the Moepeks.
A lot of great Fanfic, Dumb Sentences and Listener Mail to boot.
Assignment: Read thru Chapter 11
Links:
-John’s signed and annotated copy of How To Revive The Middle Class (Get your own here (affiliate link)
-Jan’s exhaustive character spreadsheet
The much discussed potential tattoo
Join us on Patreon, where every episode comes out a week early and you get to hear all the other bonus stuff we only put on there! And check out “The Naked Clone” a book that Mike & Conor co-authored with Kevin, Bill, and Sean from RiffTrax!
Yes, a long episode, but this book more than earns it. So much to talk about, so many Real or Fanfics, so many Dumb Sentences, so many slaps on so many teenage faces…
And folks, you may not believe it, but Larry and Denise actually innovate a new redundancy in writing that must be read and re-read to be believed.
[Very slight audio note: toward the end, there’s a blip in Conor’s track where he disappears for about a half a second. Just so you know you’re not hallucinating.]
Archived Antigua website
Archived Moepek website
READING ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 7
Join the fun on Patreon, where you get every episode a week early and other fun bonus stuff! https://patreon.com/372pages
The book is currently unavailable on Amazon, so if you’ve already read your copy, please pay it forward to another listener!
To prepare for what we can only assume is an epic reading of Larry and Denise’s The Adventures of the Teen Archeologists (Book 1) The Land of the Moepek we asked patreon supporters to submit your favorite moments from Antigua. Gordle the Gorilla, Nasty Fox, forcing people into trees (with the “forces” from their wands), all of these make the cut!
If you want to catch up on the Antigua episodes, here’s a youtube playlist of all of them
Assignment: read the first two chapters; a new episode is coming soon.
Help us pick the next book! We’ll be running a poll on the 372 Patreon: http://patreon.com/372pages
The Bark Squad wraps up Dodie Smith’s fever nightmare of a sequel in this final episode covering The Starlight Barking. Sirius the Dogstar visits, promising a lifetime of bliss in outer space. Unfortunately, some whiny mangey strays are all like “Uh, no, we like having owners who mistreat and starve us” and so Pongo is forced to make a decision on behalf of all dogdom. Also Missus “invents” the High Swoosh and we reach “closure” on what the hell was up with Cruella’s metal clothes. There may be a list of dog names at some point.
Thanks to everyone who took the journey with us, we can’t wait until Disney finally releases their animated version. As threatened, we’ll be back soon with a Patreon poll to pick the next book!
Support the podcast on Patreon and get every new episode a week early PLUS access to our entire archive of five years of bonus material: https://patreon.com/372pages We learn a lot of new things in this episode: mostly Mike is terrible at Real or Fanfic! Seriously, all sorts of new rules about physis and metaphysics are … Continue reading "Ep 149 – The Starlight Barking Ep 2 – Sleeping Devils"
Support the podcast on Patreon where you can get every episode a week early as well as other fun stuff like Mike trying to solve the world’s most diabolical Encyclopedia Brown mysteries! http://patreon.com/372pages The first full episode of The Starlight Barking goes in, shall we say, some unexpected directions. Lots more talk of pure bloodlines … Continue reading "Episode 148 – The Starlight Barking Ep 1: Dalmatians Be Whooshing"
If you were on Patreon, you’d have known what the new book was a week ago! Join the fun at patreon.com/372pages Let’s figure out what the TWENTY-FIFTH book we’re going to read together will be, but first, Conor quizzes Mike on some direct to VHS Real or Fanfic. Link to buy Book 25: https://amzn.to/3NQG5S7 Reading … Continue reading "Ep 147 – Book 25: The Starlight Barking"
Be the first to find out what’s next by supporting the podcast on Patreon. You’ll also hear a new subpodcast where Mike tries to solve Encyclopedia Brown mysteries: http://patreon.com/372pages We finished Artemis! And we ranked Artemis as compares to all the other books covered in this podcast: you won’t believe what happens next!! And we’re … Continue reading "Ep 146 – Artemis – Ep 5 – Bleriana’d"
Join the few, the proud, the jackals and support the podcast on Patreon! Every episode a week early and other fun stuff: http://patreon.com/372pages The penultimate Artemis episode! Mike’s final attempt at Real or Fanfic has to compete with those red-hot references to Emily Post! Listener’s weigh in and there are Dumb Sentences of the Week. … Continue reading "Episode 145 – Artemis Ep 4 – Dale and Bob and Loretta and Welding"
Join the fun on Patreon, where last week we watched Forrest Gump together, Mike for the very first time! http://patreon.com/372pages Get the book here In this episode: -Spontaneous jackals bearing conspiracy theories -Conor’s appearance on Jeopardy? Premonition? -Insanely difficult Real or Fanfic -Dumb Sentences of the Flexible Time Period -And much more, including this general … Continue reading "Ep 144 – Artemis Ep 3 – Rudy Explained, Kinda!"
Support the podcast on Patreon! Because of you, Mike watched Forrest Gump for the first time this week!
There is nothing that could prepare you for the, ahem, choices Mr. Weir makes in these chapters so may as well dig in.
Though we will say Mike slightly improves his fortunes in Real or Fanfic.
Get the book here
ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter 10
Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on patreon!
Get the book here
What if Garrett P. Serviss dictated a story to Ernest Cline? We think it would go a little something… like this. Plus a Dark Web appearance by a 372 favorite author and an extremely challenging Real or Fanfic!
NEXT ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter 6.
Support the podcast on Patreon, where they’ve known about this new book for a week already! patreon.com/372pages
Alright, NOW it’s time for Book 24! This one did very well in our Patreon poll a few years ago, so we’re excited to finally tackle it. But first, Mike listens patiently while Conor rants about Goombas or something.
Get the book here
Assignment: Read thru Chapter 3
Find out what our next book is going to be a week before everyone else! Join the 372 Patreon.
WOW! Really no words to describe the insane events in the final chapters of Edison’s Conquest of Mars, but we can attempt to sum it up with one syllable; Tom.
No Real or Fanfic here but as a bonus you’ll get Conor’s reimagining of this stone classic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXmShIyjJvg
Support the Podcast on Patreon and hear all about the first arson Mike committed! Plus get every episode a week early and lots of other non-arson content: http://patreon.com/372pages
Martians, space battles, disintegrators, heat rays, murdered crows — the only thing missing from this story? Colonel Alonzo Jefferson Smith! Sylphan harp players! Compressed food, stolen and eaten with great care!
Also, Mike does pretty well at Real or FanFic, heh heh…
READING ASSIGNMENT finish the book!
Get the book here
Or download the free ebook here
Support the Podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early and hear fun stuff like our pitches for Groundhog Day themed Cozy Mysteries!
Come for the Thrilling Story of an Encounter that Nearly Ended the Great Expedition. Stay for Mike’s Thrilling Performance in Real or Fanfic.
If you love the character of Tom. If you can’t get enough of Sylvanus P. Thompson. If Lord Kelvin makes you giggle with delight, you will love this episode.
Get the book here or download for free here.
Assignment: For next time read up to “A Tedious Language Lesson” in Chapter 13
Support the podcast on Patreon and get every episode a week early and other fun stuff!
Our first reading of Garrett P. Serviss’ Edison’s Conquest of Mars is a real cracker jack, a tip-top lally-cooler!
Truly, an enjoyable book if for nothing more than the action movie quipping of Professor Sylvanus P. Thompson.
All the departments are here, as well as a description of Mike’s brother-in-law’s actual Edison cylinder mechanism! (Possible Patreon extra demonstration of it to come.)
Buy the book here or read for free online.
Reading assignment: Read up until “The Prisoner Teaches” in chapter 9
Shake off your weighted blanket and put down that spoon you’re licking yogurt off the back of. It’s no longer cozy season, dammit! It’s time for Book 23 and we’ve got a listener recommendation that promises to be absolutely as uncozy as Christmas River was cozy. In fact, we’re not even certain Coziness had been invented when this book came out!
Here is gallery of images we discuss in this episode
Buy the book here or read for free online.
First assignment: Read thru Chapter 5
Support the podcast on Patreon where you’ll get every episode a week early and hear our recaps of the two other cozy Christmas mysteries we read this December!
Our final reading Murder in Christmas River answers the deep, impenetrable puzzle at the heart of the book: How many people will show up to a cheesy tourist village the night after a massive three-foot snowstorm to view the judging of a gingerbread house competition? Turns out, a lot. Like, shoulder to shoulder to the point that the oddly bearded sheriff has almost no room to commit his wrongful arrests.
Will our hero Cinnamon Peters be convicted of a murder or will she simply bake more of those things we all talk about on a daily basis, those things that have no other name, cookie panels?
Conor and Mike wrap it up with all the departments sans Real or Fanfic of course, but as always, thank you to everyone and special thanks to Patreon supporters! Happy Holidays and many meat pies to all!
As discussed in the email section here is:
-
A horse doing its Sheriff Trumbow impression
-
Muldoon’s youtube channel
Support the podcast on Patreon and hear all about the batshit crazy cozy mystery we read last week: patreon.com/372pages
Get the current book here: https://amzn.to/3Ura5W6
After 16 chapters we finally get a mystery! Who killed the fancy-dressing Gingerbread House judge who flew into town from Arizona? Sure, it’s a cliché as old as “The butler did it”, but we’re about to find out how they do things in Christmas River!
And the answer is apparently booze, and lots of it. Everyone in this book, from the rugged ex-cop to the adorkable pie baker, is just plastered all the time. During the brief moments of sobriety, will Cinnamon pull it together in time to solve the mystery? She will not, frankly, despite being named the primary suspect, she doesn’t even really seem to care. She’s too busy pining over teenage crushes and cattily insulting her former co-worker. AND WE ARE HERE FOR IT!
Loads of Christmas cheer (dogs with indigestion, meth, and potentially despondent tourists stepping in front of buses.) Plus a very tricky Real or Fanfic and video of drunk Ed McMahon, who would fit in quite well in Christmas River.
Assignment: Finish the damn book!
Support the podcast on Patreon and get some EXTRA cozy this Christmas season! patreon.com/372pages Get the book HERE (it’s free on Kindle Unlimited) Well, Conor and Mike are back in Cozyville where they tick off the cozy cliches: Sentient dog Drunk, unpleasant, misanthropic grandfather Horrible tourists Money-grubbing shop owners Platinum blonde pie shop workers who … Continue reading "#132 Murder in Christmas River – Ep 1 – Drunk Daniel"
Our patreon supporters have been reading this book for a week already! Join in the fun at patreon.com/372pages Get the book here (Free on Kindle Unlimited) Super Constitution behind them, Mike and Conor look toward a future of cabins that have beds with way too many pillows on them, you know, where you go to … Continue reading "Episode 131 – Christmas River Murder Ep 1 – Announcement"
Find out our next book before everyone else when you support the podcast on Patreon! patreon.com/372pages To quote the perpetually stoned kid who sawed his finger off in my high school Shop Class and had it surgically re-attached, writing in my year book, “What a long, strange trip it’s been!” Emphasis on the long. (Note … Continue reading "Episode 130 – Super Constitution Ep 5 – Welcome Back, Troika!"
Support the podcast on Patreon! Once we hit 1000 supporters, Mike will watch Forrest Gump for the first time as a live watchalong! patreon.com/372pages Well, we’re one ep away from being done with Charles Kim’s ̶i̶n̶s̶a̶n̶e̶, u̶n̶h̶i̶n̶g̶e̶d̶ m̶a̶n̶i̶f̶e̶s̶t̶o̶ novel and one thing is becoming clear: unless you hold multiple degrees from Ivy League institutions he … Continue reading "Episode 129 – Super Constitution Ep 4 – Miss Sequoia, AOOOOgaaaa!"
See how our trip to the Mall of American Bubba Gump Shrimp Company went, only on the 372 Patreon! patreon.com/372pages We’re deep into Super Constitution now and this is our chance to see how the sausage is made (HINT: it requires a killing ray). Another big question is answered as Miss O’Hara makes a visual … Continue reading "Episode #128 – Super Constitution Ep 3 – Miss O’Hara’s Smiling Body"
Support the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode early and other exclusive fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages Well, after a rough start we’re back on track. Super Constitution was a little strange out of the gate but now it’s nothing more than a classic sci-fi nov– haha, I can’t finish that sentence. It is of course a … Continue reading "#127 – Super Constitution Ep 2 – LONG MONOLOGUES!!"
Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode early, hear our recent live show from Minneapolis, and more great stuff! patreon.com/372pages Webster’s defines “insane” as THIS BOOK! Find out how a book titled SUPER CONSTITUTION is hornier than The Mister, Susan Fletcher, and a Moon People date at Red Lobster combined. We’ll also meet (and then … Continue reading "Episode #126 – Super Constitution Ep 1 – Octopus Tentacles"
(This book may be a little hard to find because our Patreon supporters learned what it was a week ago and bought up all the copies. Join them so you don’t miss out in the future! patreon.com/372pages ) The podcast is now officially old enough to legally drink, if you are going by the number … Continue reading "Episode #125 – Book 21: Super Constitution"
Come see us do our first LIVE PODCAST in three years, Friday 7/22 at Bryant Lake Bowl in Minneapolis! Details on our facebook and twitter pages. Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on patreon. Find out when live show tix are on sale, get every episode early, enter contests, and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages … Continue reading "Episode #124 – Gump & Co Ep 5"
Support the podcast on Patreon, where you can watch Conor drink gross New Coke variants, hear Mike’s story teased in this ep, and so much more! patreon.com/372pages We’re past the halfway point in Gump & Co., and in this episode, so much Gump, so much Co., so much ass!! Seriously, could there be anymore ass … Continue reading "Episode 122 – Gump & Co Ep 4"
Oh, come back lengthy, unending descriptions of New Coke! You are missed. We’ll put down here what might be discussed during this episode and let you decide whether it’s real or not: Colonel Oliver North (a gimme), Hog farming,Methane Explosions, Mike’s Killer Performance in Real or Fanfic, The Bonus Army Riots, Jessica Hahn, John Wayne … Continue reading "Episode #122 – Gump & Co. Ep 3"
Our first full episode of diving into the Winston Groom book Gump & Co. So much is uncovered here, including Mike’s grandmother’s encounter with Houdini, Conor’s visit with broadcasting legend Larry King, some Dumb Sentences and some Real or FanFic; during which Mike either does or does not repeat recent past triumphs! Patreon supporter goals … Continue reading "Episode #121 – Gump & Co. Ep 2"
Our beloved Patreon supporters have already been reading this book for a week! Join the fun at http://patreon.com/372pages It’s time to announce our twentieth book, and there’s one question on everyone’s mind: will anyone be forced into a tree? Also, Mike & Conor do another round of Calibrate Your Tastes. It’s time to start another … Continue reading "Episode #120 – Book 20 – Gump & Co"
Support the podcast on Patreon and be the first to find out what the next book is! patreon.com/372pages Weeks ago, when we wandered out of the trees and mountains of the plains of Antigua and hopped on that unicorn’s back, we never could have imagined the places she’d take us. Or the sheer, unbelievable, immense … Continue reading "Episode #119 – Antigua Ep 7 – Eagle Man!"
Support the 372 Patreon! Bonus Real or Fanfics, classical minis, other weirder stuff! patreon.com/372pages “Displace one note and there would be diminishment, displace one phrase and the structure would fall.” Salieri on Mozart but it could easily have been spoken by Conor or me about the Ellis’ classic book, Antigua: The Land of Fairies Wizard … Continue reading "Episode #118 – Antigua Ep 6 – Teens!"
Support the Podcast on Patreon to get fun stuff like a Meet The Authors with Bill Corbett, Conor’s breakdown of an iconic hip-hop sample, and every episode early! patreon.com/372pages Just a few of the animals mentioned in this episode’s reading: dogs, cats, cows, roosters, chickens, pigs, goats, horses, cattle, foxes, squirrel monkeys who make all … Continue reading "Episode #117 – Antigua Ep 5 – Animal Collective"
Support the podcast on Patreon and see what you’re missing! It’s the only place to hear Mike’s amazing bonus real or fanfic! http://patreon.com/372pages You know how when a friend says, “You have to see this video!” and then thrusts his phone in your face and stands awkwardly watching your expression as you watch a video … Continue reading "Episode #116 – Antigua Ep 4 – Holograms"
Support us on Patreon! It’s the only place to hear the legendary Bonus Real or Fanfic we did in between episodes! patreon.com/372pages A jam-packed episode for which we will not apologize: there are roughly 8300 characters mentioned in this reading alone. And we barely touch on the Great Wizard Agnessa! We’ve got fairies, fairiettes, pixies, … Continue reading "Episode 115 – Antigua Ep 3 – Timothy!"
Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! Please join them so we can have enough supporters to outnumber the centaurs in this book. patreon.com/372pages This book is amazing! It’s an amazing book! Conor, 40 years-old, yelled to Mike, who was made of human parts, “I can’t believe how amazing this book is!” They … Continue reading "Episode 114 – Antigua Ep 2 – Beautiful Horses"
Conor challenges Mike with a quiz (he does poorly) and then the new book is announced! EDIT: Well this should be interesting. The kindle (CANON) version does not have chapter breaks. We will read until Location 737, ending at the sentence “The rulers of the easternmost province were King Arlexjandrio and Queen Gwyndeth.” This is … Continue reading "Episode 113 – Book 19 – Antigua Ep. 1"
Our Patreon listeners are our favorite listeners! Join them at patreon.com/372pages and be the first to learn what book we’re doing next Wow, there’s no way around it, we unabashedly loved the places this book went! (If you don’t agree with us please contact our solicitors, Messrs. Hutchinson and Harper. If you find no relief … Continue reading "Episode 112 – Irene Iddsleigh Ep 3 – HAWKES! (The Gardener)"
Support the podcast on Patreon, and hear all about Mike’s Time Advocate theory! patreon.com/372pages Just when you thought Irene Iddesleigh was just going to be kind of old-timey funny, the type of funny that would cause Samuel Clemens to sort of let out a little laugh through his nose, it goes completely bananas off-the-rails insane!! … Continue reading "Episode 111 – Irene Iddesleigh #2"
Join the 372 Pages Patreon and get early access to every new episode! Patreon.com/372pages This book was a surprise, packed with hidden delights. So too this episode including -A brand new department: Appreciate Mark Twain -Several dives to the Dark Web -More than one improv regarding Sir John’s locked rooms -Dumb Sentences -A stunning Real … Continue reading "Episode 110 – Irene Iddesleigh #1"
Our patreon supporters have known about this book for a week already and are already sending in their dumb sentences! Join the fun at patreon.com/372pages Join us for our 18th book: Irene Iddlesleigh by Amanda Mckittrick Ros. That is, if the Red Cross doesn’t abduct Conor before then. For our first episode we’ll be reading … Continue reading "Episode 109 – Book 18: Irene Iddlesleigh"
Please note that the giveaway mentioned in this ep has obviously already ended Be the first to find out what our next book is! Support the podcast on Patreon and get early access to every ep and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages Reading a 563 Tyra Banks book just wasn’t enough. Listeners insisted we read and … Continue reading "Episode 108 – Modelland Extra – Acknowledgments, aka Library Fudge"
Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on our Patreon! http://patreon.com/372pages O’Neil of course does not rise. But this is Modelland’s final episode. Per our stunt Mike did not read it so it’s all in the capable hands of Conor, who, for the first time gets to read a passage to the poor bedraggled “little … Continue reading "Episode 107 – Modelland Ep 7 – O’Neil Rises"
Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! Join them over at patreon.com/372pages Mike catches Conor up on the the plot, which involves a lot of filth, sores, blood, detached limbs, wounds and severed torsos. In other words, just another Tuesday at Modelland! As this is a Very Special Episode, we’d love your opinion … Continue reading "Episode 106 – Modelland Ep 6 – Human Leg Giraffe"
Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode early plus other fun stuff: patreon.com/372pages Our longest episode yet – making it, clearly, our best. We’ll check in on a loving father reading his beloved daughter a bed time story. Conor breaks out the Pocket Operators to recreate one of the BellaDonna’s … Continue reading "Episode 105 – Modelland Ep 5 – SHOCKING NEWS!"
Thank you to our Patreon supporters who keep the podcast going and have had access to this episode for a week already! Join them at patreon.com/372pages The underutilization of O’Neil is downright criminal: as though A Confederacy of Dunces just mentioned Ignatius J. Reilly and then moved on. Still, plenty of good stuff in the … Continue reading "Episode 104 – Modelland Ep 4 – O’Neil"
Support the podcast with a few bucks on Patreon. Get every episode early, Meet The Authors segments, interviews with Lauren and Bridget, contests, and more! patreon.com/372pages A testament to how weird this book has become: A “sloppy, love-filled reunion hug” is the most normal thing that happens in this episode’s reading. The Cronenbergian body-horror levels … Continue reading "Episode 103 – Modelland Ep 3 – AUGH SORRY SO SO SORRY SORRY"
Please support the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode early, access to our Discord, and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages Conor and Mike wade into the fever dream like madness that is Tyra Banks’ Modelland but not before Mike gets his comeuppance on an issue of pronunciation. And since no Dark Web recreators could possibly capture … Continue reading "Episode 102 – Modelland Ep 2 – Goggle Eyes & Long Fingers"
Join the 372 Patreon to get every episode early and other fun exclusive stuff! http://patreon.com/372pages Mike and Conor quickly discover that Tyra Banks’ only novel is Cr8Zee! (Cr8Zee is pronounced “crazeee” because the “t” sound at the end of “8” is silent and the two “ee”s at the end are pronounced like three “eee”s.) They … Continue reading "Episode 101 – Modelland Ep 1 – Einfach was für ein Loonerherz"
A famous person wrote a book so it would be rude of us not to read and discuss this person’s work. Also: 100 episodes!!! First assignment: Read through chapter 6
By the first to find out what we’re reading next by joining the 372 Patreon! Lots of other great exclusive posts and events as well! patreon.com/372pages It’s with wet eyes that we bid farewell to the land of wrongly timed barbecue, snippy and/or flirty waitresses, violent drug-pushing teacher/furniture store managers, open bathrobes, four star generals, … Continue reading "Episode 99 – Quilters Ep 3 – Goodbye, Cozyverse!"
Join the fun in the 372 Patreon! Last week we all relived Conor’s humiliating Jeopardy loss together. Plus every episode early, contests, and other bonus stuff! patreon.com/372pages The number of characters continues to rise along with the body count, as the Quilters’ anti-drug battle (aka putting up a modest number of posters) rages on! Outside … Continue reading "Episode 98 – Quilters Ep 2 – Big Baby Braxton"
Join us on Patreon to get every episode early and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages Ah, the Clinian Cloud has lifted and the 372 Pages studio is cozy and smells of pork, sauerkraut, beef stew and cake – lots of cake! Conor dives to the dark web, Mike tries his hand at the brand new Real … Continue reading "Episode 97 – Quilters Ep 1 – A Small, Intimate Podcast"
The task: announce book number sixteen. Forty-seven minutes later the job is done! Why? Because Conor and Mike are incredibly enthusiastic about the new title. I mean, one of our favorite “Real or FanFics” before we even crack the book open?! This is going to be great! Here’s a link to the book. For the … Continue reading "Episode 96 – Book 16: The Quilters Push Back"
Learn the next book before anyone else! Join the fun on the 372 Patreon. Bonus eps, Meet the Authors, Discord, and more! patreon.com/372pages An epic podcast! Mike and Conor discuss the deep philosophical implications of Van Hagar, of avatars putting on haptic suits, of the personification of the collective intelligence of all humanity saying things … Continue reading "Ep 95 – Ready Player 2 – Suddenly, and Without Warning, We Finished the Book"
Join the fun on Patreon for bonus Real or Fanfic, improv with special guests, and surprisingly, earnest analysis of classical music! patreon.com/372pages If you had taken a second mortgage on your home and placed the entire sum on a Vegas bet that “nothing in this book could possibly be worse than the chapters spent on … Continue reading "Episode 94 – Ready Player 2 – Apparently, We Were Surprised to Find Ourselves Still Reading This"
Ernest Cline’s runaway best seller continues to disgust and annoy us, even as it approaches the home stretch. In this episode we wrap up the seemingly endless John Hughes quest by meeting an actual John Hughes NPC (not actually John Hughes). Then we’re off to Halcydonia, where we all try to pretend that Zoobilee Zoo … Continue reading "Ep 93 – Ready Player 2 – Rolling our Locked Wide Eyes"
Support the podcast on Patreon and get access to early episodes, bonus materials, contests and more! Patreon.com/372pages Conor states with confidence that this episode contains a chapter that is the dumbest and therefore the greatest of any that has been covered by 372 Pages! The editor has taken her hand off the tiller and what … Continue reading "Episode 92 – Ready Player 2 – Is It GameFAQs? Or a John Hughes Geocities Fan Page? It’s Both!!"
After countless pages of Worldbuilding and freeing child slaves when our hero felt like it, Ernest Cline finally lets some things happen in this section. The action kicks off when a Gunter and a Sharter listen to a Morissey song in silence and it doesn’t let up from there! By the time we’re done, there’s … Continue reading "Episode 91: Ready Player 2 – A Constant Loop of Push It"
Don’t miss out on participating in the read along! Join the 372 Patreon and get early access to episodes, as well as a BONUS Real or Fanfic we did this week! patreon.com/372pagesSo much to cover: Conor is shocked at Cline’s revelation that there may be a downside to the internet Conor is shocked at Cline’s … Continue reading "Episode 90 – Ready Player 2: Bouncin’ and Blazin’"
Support the podcast on Patreon and get access to every episode early, plus a ton of exclusive bonus stuff! patreon.com/372pages Ready Player Two? Let me ask that again; Ready Player Two?! I don’t think you are!! But Conor and Mike are ready. Having only an evening to read the first few chapters, here are some … Continue reading "Episode 89 – Ready Player Two – Sharters and Gunters"
Yes, this may be the final episode of Midnight Sun but Alice has looked into the future and Mike and Conor are still reading it in every possibility but this one. We won’t spoil anything about the episode itself but stay tuned to the very end and help us (and 372 listener Josh who sent … Continue reading "Episode 88 – James “The Tracker” Trackerathorn III"
Phil hears from an assistant coach of the Sidewinders that there may be a backup shortstop position opening up! So Renee and he may drive back to Phoenix!!!!!!!! Also, the tireless and cunning James the Tracker is making plans to watch his collection of VHS tapes in a room with a gold chair rail once … Continue reading "Episode 87 – MAJOR UPDATE ON PHIL!!"
How em dash HOW em dash is this book not about Charlie hauling in a world record white perch, or at the very least the story of him getting a treble hook buried into his thigh? Why not page after page of Carlisle being tutored in Courtly Italian by some foppish vampire with a high … Continue reading "Episode 86 – Charlie says, “Huh…”"
Twilight but as told from the vampire’s point of view, continues to be a collection of words strung together in mostly coherent fashion, with occasional digressions to count thousands of insects. There you go, Little Brown, you can use that as a quote on the cover of the paperback. We hit the halfway mark during … Continue reading "Episode 85 – Throbbing Wetly"
If you like Cline-ian pop culture lists you are in for a treat! In this episode Mike and Conor break down Bella’s likes / dislikes, turn-ons / turn-offs, preferences for types of flowers / er, preferring not to encounter other types of flowers, etc. Conor again dives to the dark web to widen our understanding … Continue reading "Episode 84 – RIP Orlando Calderas Wallace"
Yes, we talk about things other than Lanny. But we don’t want to! You’ll all be thrilled to learn that Mike drained the budget to reunite the 372 Players, that Mike scores, um, pretty, pretty well on the Real or Fanfic challenge. There’s tons of Dumb Sentences and Conor dives to the dark web. But … Continue reading "Episode 83 – Lanny"
So many words, so many of them “monster”! A jam-packed episode: Conor sails through several Sonic Challenges Mike, ahem, sails through Real or Fanfic Our listeners mail in and we steal it Believe it or not there are plenty of Dumb Sentences. There are GOFFS! (get it?) Special thanks to our patreon supporters! Get every … Continue reading "Episode 82 – The Comedy Stylings of Emmett"
Let’s read another terrible book! But first, a story (By listener request!) about the time Mike inherited a house. It does not go well. This should be a fun one, let’s start by reading through Chapter 4!
Mike and Conor try to make sense of this madness. They come up empty. Still, there are highlights: Conor does a sonic challenge sexily. Mike manages not to follow a single plot point. The Dumb Sentences of the Week burst forth like milk and honey from the promised land. (Dumb despite the great work from … Continue reading "Episode 80 – ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!11” We shooted"
Conor is able to somehow follow the plot of My Immortal! A power that comes in handy when having to explain it to Mike who views it as somewhat more abstruse than the Voynich manuscript. A packed if mercifully briefer episode than last time we steal mail (including some amazing mash-ups by our listeners), Mike … Continue reading "Episode 79 – Conor Unveils His Superpower"
The artists/works to which we compare this 2006 fanfic include: Shakespeare, several times Dickens Sir Arthur Conan Doyle The Bible Thelonius Monk And more! Conor unveils his Cockney accent, and it is QUITE something. Also, we open with an audio recording of one of the first meetings between Mike and Conor and it turns … Continue reading "Episode 78 – My Immortal"
We’re doing a new book, and if you listen to this, you can learn what it is! Just don’t email about the giveaway, the winners have already been announced on Patreon. Here is the free ebook and here is a link to the amazon version.
The Irishman is envious of the length of this podcast. But there was so much to talk about! While Susan sits dazed, stupefied, sooty, unsure of where she is, what she’s doing, how math works, and whether or not she’ll ever get to Stone Manor, the revolting men around her solve the problems posed by … Continue reading "Episode 77 – Man. Silhouette. LEGEND."
The Brownisms are coming fast and furious now, like chapters in a Dan Brown book! Conor does Real or Fanfic, we Steal People’s Mail, there are Dumb Sentences galore and Mike discovers the original ending of The Fugitive! And we meet a ninety-pound live wire! Join us on Patreon to get every episode early, plus … Continue reading "Ep 76 – The Sad End of Rafael de la Maza"
Looking for good writing in a Dan Brown book is a lot like looking for a sock in a bedroom the size of Texas while sewage spews forth out of a crystal decanter. And this section of DIGITAL FORTRESS is no exception. As the book theoretically reaches the stage where it will have a point, … Continue reading "Episode 75 – Cuz My Beeper Kept Beepin’"
Victor Hugo just texted Dan Brown, “Dude, back it down on the chapters, man! It’s not a contest.” Tolstoy throws in a, “Yeah, cut it out, man.” Yes, the sparse words continue to spill out on the increasing number of pages of Dan Brown’s “Digital Fortress” so Conor and Mike can only counter it with … Continue reading "Episode 74 – Chapters! We Got Yer Chapters!"
This episode begins with the introduction of possibly the greatest character in the history of the podcast (apologies to Bleriana, Jack Star, and the Robot Pimp) Greg Hale. He enters like a bull, in all his ogling, olive oil swigging, convicted murderer glory. From there we’ll move on to international intrigue, tired stereotypes, Idiot Switch … Continue reading "Episode 73 – Enter Halite"
Man, so much to talk about and so so much is talked about!!* Highlights: A withered naked old woman struggles with a bedpan. The smell of urine is in the air. Are the two things connected? You’ll have to listen to find out. All of our heroes (or are they heroes [SFX tension sting]?) chuckle … Continue reading "Ep 72 – Bobby Digital in Stereo"
A straightforward Dan Brown thriller, if by straightforward you mean vastly underpaid Georgetown professors sticking their heads into drinking fountains and forcing their strange dietary habits on unwitting squash partners. We also hear from some experts on language and cryptography (and general human behavior, for that matter) about the many many things Mr. Brown gets … Continue reading "Ep 71 – If “Bizarre Foods” Went Horny"
Alas, today we finish Moon People by Dale M. Courtney. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve eaten cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster and then gotten busy as hell afterwards. But there’s only one way to bring this saga to a close: run the thing into a ditch and hitchhike away from it when it’s still … Continue reading "Episode 70 – Potato Pudding and Space Catalogs"
In the middle third of Moon People our hero David Braymer… does NOT go to the moon, or meet people from the moon. But fittingly for this number episode, he does get busy as hell! Following what must have been the most erotic Red Lobster dinner in all of recorded history, Cheral is consumed with … Continue reading "Episode 69 – I Seen All Good People"
Hey, there he is! The shadow has lifted from the moon, and from our souls, and MOON PEOPLE is the glorious result! There’s so much to discuss here, so pledge to yourselves and to God that you won’t tell anyone else about it and we’ll get started! There’s: -DMC’s never before seen method of writing … Continue reading "Episode 68 – Still Tippin’ on 222s"
Here it is, the 11th bad book we’re going to read together. It’s going to be way more enjoyable than Shadow Moon. This short announcement was part of a longer Patreon exclusive mailbag, our supporters have been reading the book for a week already. Lucky them! You can join the fun here: patreon.com/372pages Book 11 … Continue reading "Book 11 Announcement"
452 pages, 2 blood whips, and one StagLord later, we have finished SHADOW MOON by George Lucas and Chris Claremont. Much like Thorn/Willow, we are now very tired. Unlike our protagonist, we’ve been lying on the floor for three hours now (being tired) but it has not yet granted us permission to enter. There’s a … Continue reading "Episode 67 – The Worst Book We’ve Ever Read"
A shocking Very Special Episode! A first in the history of the podcast, possibly a first for any podcast! The smelly, repugnant, filth-caked, farm-animal-of-a-girl Elora is discussed at length which leads to not one BUT two shocking bathroom tales from Mike and Conor! (Can you get that from Conan’s podcast, I think not?!) All the … Continue reading "Episode 66 – We Come to Bury Burys"
Happy new year everyone! A new decade has dawned and we are still reading Shadow Moon. In this segment, to the author’s credit, some stuff actually happens! Unfortunately what happens is that a nude otter-man crashes through the roof of a tavern and the sacred princess takes a dump. Fortunately, we’re able to gain more … Continue reading "Episode 65 – Pig Girl Wrecks the Can"
Mike and Conor have a pretty straightforward discussion about how Thorn née Willow formerly “the floor” kinda sorta transforms into The Demon / A Dragon / Some Stones / a Liquid Mass of His Own Melted Organs / Some Shards / A Mountain / a Swimmer / a Fish, etc., and in that state puffs … Continue reading "Episode 64 – Willow Loves Willow"
A jam-packed episode made all the more thrilling because Mike’s computer crashed twice while making it. Was it ensorcelled by a HardDriveHeron with CrashCharms? We may never know. What else? Pretty straightforward, nothing really stands out — Oh, wait: Willow becomes a floor. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory. If you enjoy the podcast, please consider … Continue reading "Episode 63 – Shadow Moon: Episoude the Fourth"
Gather round victuallers and chandlers, alike! Lacquer your fur down and join us as we dig further into the Thillow-verse. Can Mike get a soild D or D- in Real or Fanfic? How’s Thorn’s stand-up routine (the dark web knows)? Can Conor pronounce “magus” any better than “Ogden”? What’s the theoretical limit for a book’s … Continue reading "Episode 62 – Llamacorn sez, “Well coat my meat in peanut sauce, it’s a new ep!”"
Ah, Shadow Moon… That’s a name we haven’t heard in a long time… Well, a week at least! Join us as we continue our deep dive into the Lucas/Claremont saga “Shadow Moon”. This section begins with a bunch of Death Dogs getting impaled, decapitated, and having various organs thrown into raging infernos. We’ll debate whether … Continue reading "Episode 61 – Don’t Put Ketchup on your Death Dog"
Step into the WillowVerse for our first discussion of George Lucas & Chris Claremont’s “SHADOW MOON”! Things get sexy right off the bat, and never let up (if you consider descriptions of hair that is one color but has streaks of another color in it to be sexy. We do.) We’ll meet some of our … Continue reading "Episode 60 – This Podcast is now named Thorn Drumheller"
Cline Cline Theis Shatlart Thrash Pappy James Harris Stoker… Who’s next? Listen and find out! (Hey! Patreon supporters have known about this book for a week already and have been snatching up the cheapest used copies! Join them for early access to every episode, bonus eps, videos, contests, and more! patreon.com/372pages )
Three hypnotizing attempts, two destroyed castles, and countless walnuts later, Lair of The White Worm comes to an end. Break out the medium-grade china and cream-jug, because this is one episode you won’t want to miss. The 372 Pages Improv Players will attempt to fill the void when the Dark Web comes up empty, and … Continue reading "Episode 58 – China Worm Sunflower"
It’s our third episode discussing Bram Stoker’s “Lair of the White Worm”. If you like coherent horror stories, we apologize. But as a consolation, may we offer you dozens of sentences with upwards of seven commas in them? We get the best of what Bram has to offer here: conversations with old men in parlors, … Continue reading "Episode 57 – Well Hung Doors"
To say that LOTWW took an unexpected turn in this section would be a slap in the face to unexpected turns. While it appeared to be inching (worm pun) its way toward an exploration of the enormous holes that TOTALLY PROVE the existence of giant worms, most of the second quarter of the book is … Continue reading "Episode 56 – For the Benefit of Evil Bird Kite"
Bram, (or is it pronounced Bram) Stoker’s Dracula followup The Lair of the White Worm, is not very good. But there’s a lot to discuss! Adam Salton has willingly traveled halfway across the world to live with his elderly Grand-Uncle, which is frankly a clue that we’re not in for a relatable experience. But we … Continue reading "Episode 55 – A Very Special Mongoose"
We’re on our ninth book! We now have enough bad books to field a baseball team or form our own personal Wu-Tang Clan of crappy literature. No reason to delay any further, hit play to find out what we’re reading next, and then come see us at our September 18th live show in Minneapolis! Oh, … Continue reading "Episode 54 – Book 9"
We finally finish Charles E. Harris aka The Horny Grandpa’s saga Trucking Through Time. Tension is high as we finally will get an answer to our big question: will the author handle things sloppily or hamfistedly?? There’s a big military standoff, sexy-time both across the river and in the breakdown lane of an interstate, and … Continue reading "Episode 53 – Seven Days of Mystery, Drama, Excitement, Compassion, Horror, and Romance"
We’ve got a jam-packed penultimate Trucking Through Time episode! Curvy wives! Horny grandpas! Easily accessible caches of cowboy hats! A surprising amount of discussion about James A. Garfield assassin Charles Guiteau. And a reminder to wash any pre-owned buckskins you buy at the thrift store! With only fifty pages left in Trucking Through Time, we … Continue reading "Episode 52 – Hold Onto Your Buckskins"
In between the General reading reports, Trucking Through Time manages to fit in some genuinely insane moments. Our heroes literally get to meet God, and it’s the second craziest thing that happens. (The first is our favorite moment in all of literature.) We’ll listen in on some surreptitious recordings made by Harris’ family, examine the … Continue reading "Episode 51 – Grandpa, No!"
It’s our 50th episode! And to celebrate, Trucking Through Time gets a little…. sexy! If you thought groins were stirring and tightening in the mister, just wait til you see the effect Light Feather has on Chad! (He’s not going to need his last name, if you know what we mean…) Our occasional department of … Continue reading "Episode 50 – Arthur “Three Socks” Jackson"
Having trucked through time, our heroes Chad Hand and Dale Rhea (seriously) must now deal with the perils of life in the late 17th or early 18th century. This mainly involves taping things to sticks and feeding a young boy pork and beans. We’ll also get to meet approximately three dozen members of the Sioux … Continue reading "Episode 49 – A Bad Day for the Home Team"
Load your cooler up with knickknacks, good buddy, we’re in for a long haul! This is our first episode covering Charles E. Harris’ “Trucking Through Time” and if the first two chapters are any indication it’s going to be quite the journey! We’ll meet our heroes Chad and Dale, the comically mismatched duo who are … Continue reading "Episode 48 – Trucking Through Time"
As we wrap up our deep dive into EL James’ “The Mister”, we have a lot of questions. Well, one question really: What the hell? But also: Why was absolutely nothing resolved? Why do Maxim and Alessia treat her father like his opinion should matter at all? How much were they paying that translator? Is … Continue reading "Episode 47 – So do Albanian cars have seatbelts or what?"
This is now an all Bleriana, all the time podcast. Our favorite unseen character, who may or may not still be a sex slave when this book ends in fifty pages, makes another appearance, as Alessia finally recounts the story of her evil Betrothed and her journey to England. Despite her saying “I love you” … Continue reading "Episode 46 – Bleriana’s Bucket"
Our second favorite trafficking victim does NOT show up in this section of The Mister, but other than that, it’s jam packed. Anesthesia, post-trauma boning, and approximately 3/4 of a page of honest to god drama and tension! Join us on Patreon! Get every episode early plus other fun stuff like cooking shows! patreon.com/372pages Mike … Continue reading "Episode 45 – Wherefore Art Thou, Bleriana?"
This episode is nearly two hours long, despite the fact that if you cut out all the sex from these five chapters, all our characters did was buy shoes and play chess. Oh, and they saw a deer. Our patreon supporters have been listening to this episode all weekend! Join the fun and get every … Continue reading "Episode 44 – Male Tasting Fingers"
WARNING: This section of The Mister may contain the dumbest sentence we’ve ever covered on this show. Join us in pastoral Cornwall, where Maxim and the entrancing Alessia, who’s beauty, we’re often reminded, is very beautiful, are hiding out from Albania sex traffickers. What do they do to pass the time? What any two attractive … Continue reading "Episode 43 – Music for your what now?"
In part two of our deep dive into The Mister, author EL James gives her audience exactly what they came for: Sex! Nobody actually having it, of course, but people are being trafficked for it in a cheap attempt to lend gravitas to a tawdry romance novel! We were so disgusted our groins barely stirred … Continue reading "Episode 42 – Not A Groin Was Stirring"
Who’s ready to get British and horny?? This is our first episode devoted to The Mister by EL James, and it’s obviously unlike anything we’ve read on here before. We’ll examine the author’s clever methods for padding out the book length, as well as some very surprising similarities to the works of Ernest Cline. We’ll … Continue reading "Episode 41 – Handsome Buttocks"
Time to start our seventh book together! This one promises to be quite the journey. Don’t want to ruin this surprise, so get listening! Oh and by the way, our Patreon supporters have been reading this book all weekend because they get every episode early! Lucky them…? If you want to join them, we really … Continue reading "Episode 40 – Book Number Seven"
We are back after a week in Nashville! While we were there, we figured that we would take advantage of the opportunity to record face to face. So we recorded a dynamic, hilarious, touching video rattling off some potential Next Book candidates (it was well shot too.) Unfortunately, Mike had a checked bag mishap with … Continue reading "Episode 39 – Broken Camera Blues"
Thank god this book was not 372 pages long. Neither of us could have handled that. Bob Honey was fortunately only 160, and even so, managed to have three different characters crap their pants, two of them in this final section. It’s a fitting metaphor for something, but we’ll be damned if we’re going to … Continue reading "Episode 38 – 160 Pages We’ll Never Get Back"
Our favorite unreliable narrator who is also a toilet salesman/mallet assassin is back to bring his book into the homestretch! We’ve got brand new onomatopoeias, lipstick smeared on teeth, and of course, boatloads of alliteration. There’s also a literal boat, which our hero uses to abandon Hurricane Katrina relief effort volunteers to their death. (this … Continue reading "Episode 37 – I Laugh a lot When I Write"
The enigma that is Bob Honey continues to baffle and frustrate us. From offering guests a drink that no human has ever consumed (and they accept??), to possessing a secret preternatural scuba diving activity, to being unable to comprehend basic figures of speech. Oh, and he’s a literal superhero we find out too! So that’s … Continue reading "Episode 36 – We’re Baffled By The Cherry Water"
Sean Penn certainly has written a collective of words arranged into sentences! There’s a lot to discuss in our first episode diving into Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff. There’s the mysterious backstory Penn created for the book, the maddening alliteration, and the book’s strange ability to make you dislike stuff you previously thought you … Continue reading "Episode 35 – Uh… OK?"
Well, here is the new book we all get to read together! We apologize for nothing!! And hey, a bunch of listeners requested this one, so if you want someone to blame we will name names! But in all seriousness, this should be very fun, and will be a welcome change of pace from the … Continue reading "Episode 34 – A 160 Page Self-Own"
All good things must come to an end. On a completely unrelated note, this book also must come to an end. And what an ending it is! After pages and pages of repeated text and detailed descriptions of the families of characters who are never mentioned again, we get some actual, honest to god plot … Continue reading "Episode 33 – Checkmate"
Who is the Sheriff of 372 Pages? Sorry, just trying out our new catchphrase. Nobody better be laughing!! We have an absolutely jam packed episode this week, because despite maybe 40% of this week’s assigned reading being the same block of typo-ridden copy/paste text, there was a lot to talk about. Potential suspects! Power couples … Continue reading "Episode 32 – Ctrl-V, Repeat"
Assemble your various financial certification acronyms and have Veronica Jackson clear your schedule, because we’ve got a doozy of an episode! So much to unpack here in our first discussion of The Forensic Certified Public Accountant and the Cremated 64-SQUARES Financial Statements. We’ve got kidnapped mascots, hi-tech spy gear, and world record fast marriage proposals. … Continue reading "Episode 31 – I, Titus Uno"
Well, we’ve found a new book to read together, and it certainly appears to be something special. More in the vein of “Eye of Argon”, this is one that was never going to hit the best seller list. But based on early scans it seems like it will be a lot of fun to dive … Continue reading "Episode 30 – Manifesto in Book Form"
Well, the pace sure as hell was unrelenting, folks. We’ve reached the end of TekWar, and there both is and isn’t a lot to talk about. Chest-high walls, disdainful robot pimps, the brief and wondrous life of Sonny Hokori are all just the tip of the iceberg. Thanks to all who hitched their wagons to … Continue reading "Episode 29 – What The Hell Was That?"
If you’d told us way back in Episode 25 – Meetings About Sonny Hokori, if we’d still be having meetings about Sonny Hokori 150 pages later, we would have thrown the book across the room. And yet, here we are. We’re back after the holiday break (feeling kind of glum, guess we just miss Ogden … Continue reading "Episode 28 – Al’s House of Lucite"
Chapter 22 of Tekwar may be the second stupidest chapter we’ve read on this podcast. The first, of course, being the one in Armada where The Emissary just, you know, cures cancer and every other disease. But this one is close. We will explain why in great detail. We’ll also FINALLY meet one of the … Continue reading "Episode 27 – A Heavy Airquotes Simple Plan"
Roll your cartoon wolf tongues back into your mouths, we’ve got a new episode! This week we finally get to meet the lusted after Beth Kittridge… Well, kind of… Mike also coins a new, revolting portmanteau for our favorite author duo: Shatlart, while Conor does his best to try to pronounce the name Ogden, which … Continue reading "Episode 26 – Located in the Exact Center of your Podcast App"
Look, we all love Sonny Hokori and Bennet Sands and Dr. Kittridge’s insanely hot daughter. We love to hear Jake discuss those people in quirky alleys with people we’ve never met and probably will never hear from again. But for the love of god, do we need FOUR CONSECUTIVE CHAPTERS of these meetings??? In this … Continue reading "Episode 25 – Meetings About Sonny Hokori"
To the inattentive and brainless layman* it might appear that not much happened during this stretch of TekWar. Mostly Jake aka Jonatha and Juanito aka The Android(???) just sat and talked to people about other people we haven’t met yet. Somehow, we discussed this for nearly two hours. Folks stepped up their fanfic this time … Continue reading "Episode 24 – ¡El Pelo Hinchable!"
Steeple your chrome fingers against your chrome nose and tell maw to cork it, here’s our first Tekwar episode! We’ve got a ton to cover here: the difference between Airvans and Skycabs. Coppery racism. Oddly specific and ever increasing intervals of time. And printing, my god the printing! A hearty plasthanks to our Patreon … Continue reading "Episode 23 – Plasepisode Plastwenty Plasthree"
Let’s not delay this any longer: We’ve got a new book picked out to read together, and by all accounts it’s gonna be a doozy. So let’s say goodbye to Norgolia and move on to… Well, you’ll have to listen to find out! We didn’t know the assignment for MYSTERY BOOK REDACTED when we recorded, … Continue reading "Episode 22 – Book Four Reveal!"
It feels like we just started Grignr’s journey, but it’s already time to finish The Eye of Argon. Fortunately, the second half is just as amazing as the first half, with out of left field seizures, deadly rat pelvis bones, reeking maws, husking femmes, and iycks! We’ll also take a look at how the … Continue reading "Episode 21 – Mo’ Shamen, Maw Problems"
Wow! The Eye of Argon more than surpassed our expectations. Our ovals widened rotundly with every additional sentence Theis crafted. My god, the first four (4.5, really) chapters were only like six thousand words and we spent nearly two hours discussing them! Obviously there’s a lot to cover here as Grignr makes his way through … Continue reading "Episode 20 – Hope You Like Adjectives!"
We teased it in our last episode, but we’re finally ready to reveal to you: our next book is called The Eye of Argon. We figured, what could possibly carry the torch of Ernest Cline’s terrible books, and decided: how about a typo-riddled fantasy novella written five decades ago by a sixteen year old who … Continue reading "Episode 19 – The Eye of Argon"
We are back! Don’t worry, there is no new Ernest Cline book. But we’ve decided to launch back up to try to tackle some books which may be just as bad or even worse! DO NOT GET TOO EXCITED! There’s no real content in this episode. It is just A Crummy Commercial for our new Patreon. … Continue reading "Episode 18 – A Crummy Commercial"
Recorded live at Sisyphus Brewing in Minneapolis on April 11th, this is our first ever live show… Is how this post used to start before the recording of our live show was lost in an epic tech meltdown! But never fear, Mike and Conor have reunited to rediscuss the Ready Player One movie, in possibly … Continue reading "Episode 17 – We’ll Do It Live… Or Will We?"
When we last left Zack Lightman, he was submerged beneath the Antarctic Ocean, trying to retrieve his father and save the world. But then it was getting close to happy hour, so Ernest Cline decided to just wrap things up and hit publish on one of the most unsatisfying, unbelievably rushed endings we’ve ever seen. … Continue reading "Episode 16 – And Then All That Happened, The End"
As humanity’s potential end draws near, our heroes still have not been allowed to say goodbye to their loved ones back on Earth. So they all do what any normal person would do in that situation: bang the hell of out someone they just met a few hours ago. Mike and Conor’s faces contort as … Continue reading "Episode 15 – Some Light, Pre-Apocalypse Boning"
The Europan death armada is just hours away, and mankind’s last defense force is behaving about how you’d expect: grinning, crushing hard, and making references to classic 80s horror anthologies. With only 100 pages left in the book, Mike and Conor are convinced that events that advance the plot forward may soon begin to actually … Continue reading "Episode 14 – A General Uses the Term “Snackage”"
The calendars may say that it’s March, but to us it’s Clinetober! Here at 372 Pages we’re power-leaping into the month like a terrible Godzilla simile from the classic Toho kaiju flick Godzilla. This week’s reading may have broken the all-time record for most notes scrawled in the margins of our copies of Armada. Conor … Continue reading "Episode 13 – Or as it Came to be Known, Episode 13"
Mike and Conor cover an absolutely thrilling stretch of Armada in this episode. Hold your breath because we’re about to discuss all of this: not one but TWO phone contact exchanging scenes, not one but TWO briefings in a large auditorium, and to cap it all off: an EULA acceptance scene!!! We’ll also explore some … Continue reading "Episode 12 – The Hot Geek Girl Laughed at my Episode Title"
In this episode we meet Zack’s insanely hot TV addicted gamer mom. Turns out the Hot but Relateable Mom trope isn’t just a Clineian invention, and Conor reveals where he’s seen it turn up recently. Also, Mike was able to pull some strings and secure a scene from the movie version of Armada, a movie … Continue reading "Episode 11 – Insanely hot (but relateable) moms"
In this first fifty pages of Armada, our hero sees a flying saucer, reads a giant list of movie release dates, and then goes to work. Somehow we talked about this sequence of events for 1 hour and 20 minutes. We also get caught up on what Conor and Mike read in between Cline novels, … Continue reading "Episode 10 – What Have We Done?"
We’re back with a new season! Join us as we read Ernest Cline’s followup to RP1, Armada. We’re extremely excited to read what is widely regarded as Cline’s bad novel. We’ll talk about our expectations, see if we can guess whether a critic was reviewing RP1 or Armada, and play a quick round of Real … Continue reading "Episode 9 – Season 2: Armada"
We’re done!!! After one last robot fight, video game speedrun, and rote recitation of a popular “geek” movie, we’ve finally reached the titular 372nd page. Tune in for the Dumb Sentence of the Book, one last Fan-Fic or Real, Great Moments in Villains with Tiny Robots, and some extremely creative listener emails. Nathan’s alternate ending … Continue reading "Episode 8 – 1980s Reference"
In this episode, Wade Watts faces the possibility of a lifetime of slavery! But then he gets out of it easily thanks to his hacking prowess, which he totally has had all along but forgot to mention. We’ll talk the unceasing cultural relevance of the “hang in there baby” motivational poster, the concept of Performative … Continue reading "Episode 7 – 1973 Was My Favorite Year in the 80s"
Join us in our detailed recreation of the living room from Family Ties for Episode 6! The gunt is in it’s homestretch, so what better time to pause your novel for a detailed description of the plot of Blade Runner. We’ll also play Black Tiger, but not the version you’re familiar with! (Get this: it’s … Continue reading "Episode 6 – Rush for a Change of Atmosphere"
This week we’re talking Wade’s Rig. And folks — it is a hell of a rig. We’ll also discuss the seemingly booming post-apocalyptic economy that makes all this gunting possible, venture into the immersive world of text adventure games, and visit several game rooms, bowling alleys and pizza joints. It’s all very classic. All this … Continue reading "Episode 5 – Several Discreet Openings"
We’ll discuss whether eating rotted Greenland shark meat is better than Ready Player One, take a thrilling look at server redundancy and connection lag, analyze various rigs, and examine what has to be one of the top three most romantic chat logs we’ve ever read. PLUS, Mike has gunted deep into the dark web to … Continue reading "Episode 4 – Delightful 80’s References and Several Hundred Dead Children!"
It’s another classic episode of 372 Pages We’ll Never Get Back! We’ll guess whether passages came from RP1 Fan Fiction or the novel itself, break down our hero’s obsession with the definitely-a-sexy-lady Art3mis, guess what’s in James Halliday’s bedroom, and check in with Edgar Nash: Gunter Expert! Then we’ll read some listener mail and nominate … Continue reading "Episode 3 – Ducks and Hairy Knuckled Chucks"
Update your Gunter Wiki, crapburgers, it’s time for a new episode! This week we calibrate our tastes with Mike’s, delve into the delightful parenthetical autistism of James Halliday, take a closer look at the infamous “List” that initially caught our attention, discuss the danger of taking the advice to “write what you know”, and crown … Continue reading "Episode 2 – A List and a Lich"
In this episode, we’ll learn how calibrated your tastes are with Conor’s, meet our Rubenesque main characters, discuss the book’s generously amorphous definition of 80s pop culture, examine how hard it is to pull of convincing computer operating systems in entertainment, and wonder what possible role the undercurrent of atheism could possibly play in the … Continue reading "Episode 1 – A Miniseries About a Housecoat"
Welcome to 372 Pages We’ll Never Get Back! This is a podcast book club where we are reading the bestselling novel Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. In this episode, Mike and Conor lay out their expectations, examine some of the critical praise for the book, and take a quiz to see which great works … Continue reading "Episode 0 – A Book We’re Probably Going to Hate"
