Answer Me This: Recent Episodes
Answer Me This
Answer Me This! is an award-winning weekly comedy podcast, hosted by Helen Zaltzman and Olly Mann, which has been answering the world's questions since 2007. Email your questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, call 0208 123 5877 or Skype AnswerMeThis. Subscribe via iTunes at http://iTunes.com/AnswerMeThis
A questioneer has to choose between her health and her dream job. Another wants to eat something older than he is. Decisions, decisions.
Read more about the episode at http://answermethispodcast.com/episode313
Send questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) Tweet us twitter.com/helenandolly Be our Facebook friend at facebook.com/answermethis Subscribe on iTunes iTunes.com/AnswerMeThis Buy old episodes and albums at answermethisstore.com
Today we learn the topless past of the Starbucks logo, how you get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and the cost of installing a bowling alley in your house. Find out more about this episode at http://answermethispodcast.com/episode311.
Send questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) Tweet us twitter.com/helenandolly Be our Facebook friend at facebook.com/answermethis Subscribe on iTunes iTunes.com/AnswerMeThis Buy old episodes and albums at answermethisstore.com
Today's episode features post-coital smoking, Cubs in a car crash, and the continuing soap opera of one poor questioneer's life. Visit http://answermethispodcast.com/episode310 for more information about this episode, plus a whole load of other jazz.
Send questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) Tweet us http://twitter.com/helenandolly Be our Facebook friend at http://facebook.com/answermethis Subscribe on iTunes http://iTunes.com/AnswerMeThis Buy old episodes and albums at http://answermethisstore.com
Jog along to answermethispodcast.com/episode306 to read all about today's episode.
Send questions to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) Tweet us twitter.com/helenandolly Be our Facebook friend at facebook.com/answermethis Subscribe on iTunes iTunes.com/AnswerMeThis Buy old episodes and albums at answermethisstore.com
Visit http://answermethispodcast.com/episode301 for all the information you crave about this episode.
All the information about this episode resides at http://answermethispodcast.com/episode298
All the information about this episode resides at http://answermethispodcast.com/episode297
Visit http://answermethispodcast.com/episode296 all the information you crave about this episode.
Hello listeners,
When you're trying to make new friends, what's the best icebreaker? One of today's questioneers thinks talking about death is the way to go. See if you agree in Answer Me This! Episode 293, in which we also consider less morbid topics, such as:
Viagra calorie content I Love Lucy Wayne Rooney's new hair vs Kyle Beckerman's old hair Vancouver vs Pinner chocolate vs chocolate flavoured chocolate-esque solids fire hazard fiances Jason Biggs jetlagged hamsters Crystal Creams Russian Roulette giving references borrowing a cup of sugar and fucking a pork pie.
Plus: Olly explains the difference between Jewish front gardens and gentile front gardens; Helen will be hibernating all summer (correct term: 'aestivating'); and Martin the Sound Man has a restaurant ratings system that will render Michelin stars obsolete.
Since this episode kicks off (yes I went there) with football, one of our least favourite topics, we address another in today's Bit of Crap on the App: zombies. We could scarcely feel more ambivalent, but since so many of you love them, do your special zombie walk over to the app store in order to listen on your iDevice, Android or Windows toy.
If your brain hasn't been eaten, please send us QUESTIONS: call the Question Line on 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And be our imaginary friend at facebook.com/answermethis and twitter.com/HelenAndOlly.
TTFN!
Helen & Olly
••• AMT293 Child-Friendly Rating: Squeaky-clean first third, then a question about Viagra. This is alright, until around 19 minutes into the episode the conversation turns to American Pie, whence it degenerates horribly. The rest of the episode is fine aside from a few swears, but realistically you'll already have had to switch over to Fun Kids, so overall we have to rate this episode as 27%. •••
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Today, one poor tired questioneer asks how to stop being kept awake by their mum's sex noise. Any advice for them? Apart from cranking up Answer Me This! Episode 291 for forty-three minutes of respite?
We speak of:
hat world records rodeo clowns bank robbery converting to Judaism baht vs Bitcoin Craig David's Toffee Crisps vs Busta Rhymes' Courvoisier Papal holidays presidential golf Castel Gandolfo Chequers webuyanycar.com the pronunciation of 'niche' shaking like a Polaroid picture and $.
Plus: Olly will SEE YOU IN HELL if you use Shazam during the pub quiz music round; Helen has a terrible confession to make about Pitbull; and Martin the Sound Man is panicking about what to talk about if he is ever invited on a lads' holiday with the Pope. We smell an odd couple sitcom...
In today's Bit of Crap on the App, we contemplate the wellbeing of the boys brought together as McBusted, and of Jason Orange's tearducts. Hear it and not-weep on your iDevices, Android or Windows gadgets.
Bestow your questions upon us by calling the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And extend the hand of online friendship by joining us at facebook.com/answermethis and/or twitter.com/HelenAndOlly.
It only remains for us to thank Squarespace.com for supporting this episode. They're also supporting your own website-building enterprises by offering you 10% off their services for a whole year if you use the code Answer. Gawd bless'em.
And gawd bless you, listeners! We shall return on Thursday 19th June with AMT292, barring terrifying and unforseeable acts of gawd.
Helen & Olly
••• AMT291 Child-Friendly Rating: 54%. A few F-bombs. A clip about the clap. Question about parent's sex life, the very notion of which may traumatise your child. •••
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Hello listeners!
Very exciting news: we've made a Radio 4 documentary to celebrate the tenth anniversary of the word 'podcast'. It's in two installments, out at 11am on Friday 4th and 11th April. It features many podcasting luminaries - including Marc Maron, Roman Mars, Keith and the Girl, Theresa Thorn, Betty in the Sky, the Buglers, the Night Valers, and also our old adversary Richard Herring. If you can't wait for eight whole days to hear us talk to him, listen to the recent RHLSTP in which we air all that dirty laundry.
Amid all this talk of other things to listen to, don't forget to apply yourself to Answer Me This! Episode 286, in which we discuss:
castles Oktoberfest chilled red wine velvet ropes decorative sticks babysitting vs kitten-sitting Mardi Gras vs Pancake Day Navajo rugs vs dreamcatchers Glastonbury scheduling Panama (Ecuador) hats London's cat cafe mythical bestiality and the first ever porn film.
Plus: Olly was all business, no pleasure at his school leavers' ball; Helen prefers the pong of garlic breath to perfume; and Martin the Sound Man worries about worldly souvenirs making him into a bellend. Don't worry Martin, you were already a bellend! JK. (Or is it?)
Today's Bit of Crap on the App contains more perfume-chat, in which Olly sabotages any future he had as a department store perfume salesperson. Pinch your nose and spray the app into your ears from your iDevices, Android or Windows gadgets.
Here's something that doesn't stink: today's episode-funders Squarespace.com offering you a 10% discount off their services for a whole year if you use the code answer3. What a breath of fresh air!
And finally, we ask that you take a deep breath and send us your QUESTIONS: call the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Back in a fortnight!
Helen & Olly
*AMT286 Child-Friendly Rating: 42%. First three quarters are clean, apart from a couple of questioneer-led swears. The episode ends on a question about porn films, but by then your children will probably have fallen asleep during the earlier question about road signs. ***
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In response to AMT284, the first few minutes of Answer Me This! Episode 285 are SO exciting, you should listen RIGHT NOW - though do keep listening beyond the first few minutes, to hear about:
But do carry on listening beyond the first few minutes, to hear about:
'Torn' by Natalie Imbruglia vs 'Torn' by Ednaswap Randy Newman vs Tom Jones the Recycle Bin vs Trash rawl plugs vs wall plugs Lizzy Yarnold Magic FM saloon doors Mini Babybel 'Hazard' by Richard Marx the face of fistula and magnolia paint.
Plus, there's a manliness contest between Olly and Martin the Sound Man. Which of these opposite-of-Titans is the least masculine? It's a VERY close contest. Like a boxing match between a wet lettuce leaf and a fluffy sock.
There's double Crap on the App this week, as Olly chooses chateaubriand over speakeasies (whither the gastrospeakeasy?), then says gardening's for girls, even though he's got a grow-your-own Alan Titchmarsh. Fire up the app on your iDevices, Android and Windows gadgetry.
Fire your QUESTIONS to the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and our inbox via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Also fire up Squarespace.com, who have not only given us money to make this episode but are also giving YOU a 10% discount off their services for a whole year if you use the code answer3.
Back in a fortnight!
Helen & Olly
*AMT285 Child-Friendly Rating: 52%. The topics aren't unsuitable, but two f-bombs are detonated in the first ten minutes. Miscellanous other swears appear towards the end, when discussing the vile names Martin the Sound Man gives to computer things. So blame Martin for the defilement of your children if they hear this episode. ***
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Keith O'Malley and Chemda Khalili, AKA Keith and the Girl, talk to Helen Zaltzman for the documentary Podcasting: The First Ten Years, a production by Trevor Dann's Company for BBC Radio 4, first broadcast April 2014.
If you would like to use any part of this interview, please contact answermethispodcast @ googlemail.com
Dan Savage of the Savage Lovecast talks to Helen Zaltzman for the documentary Podcasting: The First Ten Years, a production by Trevor Dann's Company for BBC Radio 4, first broadcast April 2014.
If you would like to use any part of this interview, please contact answermethispodcast @ googlemail.com
Roman Mars of 99% Invisible talks to Helen Zaltzman for the documentary Podcasting: The First Ten Years, a production by Trevor Dann's Company for BBC Radio 4, first broadcast April 2014.
If you would like to use any part of this interview, please contact answermethispodcast @ googlemail.com
Ewan Spence of podcasts including ESC Insight talks to Helen Zaltzman for the documentary Podcasting: The First Ten Years, a production by Trevor Dann's Company for BBC Radio 4, first broadcast April 2014.
If you would like to use any part of this interview, please contact answermethispodcast @ googlemail.com
Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver of The Bugle talk to Helen Zaltzman for the documentary Podcasting: The First Ten Years, a production by Trevor Dann's Company for BBC Radio 4, first broadcast April 2014.
If you would like to use any part of this interview, please contact answermethispodcast @ googlemail.com
After seven years of this show, IT HAS FINALLY HAPPENED.
THE question!
To whom is it being popped? To YOU? Find out immediately by listening to Answer Me This! Episode 284! [Wiping tears from eyes] Today we discuss:
Winter Olympics Summer Olympics Septuagenarian Olympics Andrew Lloyd Webber vs classical music Blenheim, Oxfordshire vs Blenheim, New Zealand love vs drugs Mo Farah vs Jamaican bobsleighers car handles vs car wheels men's pants vs ladies' pants billowing shirts and billowing trousers Darren Aronofsky's Noah's Ark film Grand Theft Auto Russell Crowe balaclavas Cinderella's shoe ice skating FlashForward and Lion-ardo DiCaprio.
Plus: you'll be relieved Olly isn't allowed to fly planes, that Helen isn't likely to bring out a live stage production of One Born Every Minute, and that Martin the Sound Man isn't allowed to spice up the Winter Olympics biathlon.
This week there are two Bits of Crap on the App: the dazzling charisma of Torvill and Dean, and the suppressed opening of Disney's Cinderella. Double-treat yourself via your iDevices, Android and Windows devices.
Treat us to your QUESTIONS, please: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and deliver emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Thanks to Squarespace.com for funding this episode; use the code answer2 to snag a 10% discount off their services for a whole year.
See you in a fortnight!
Helen & Olly
*AMT284 Child-Friendly Rating: 45%. Some swears. Some speculation about Seal's drug references. Discussions of driving may prove tremendously boring for the under-10s. ***
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Hey! Listeners! What are you doing here? Throw your internet devices to the floor and sprint to Chelmsford in order to be second in the queue (behind this week's questioneer Melanie) at the new Dunkin' Donuts opening tomorrow in Chelmsford!
Or if you don't give many shits about that, sit tight and listen to Answer Me This! Episode 283 instead. In it we speak of:
coffee beans giving people 'the tour' Terry's Chocolate Orange Bruno Mars sushi vinegar C3P(ost)O(ffice) close-up Christopher Lee Red Hot Chili Peppers red hot chilli peppers IHOP vs NASA the Duracell Bunny vs the Energizer Bunny Barbie vs Bratz sad second-rate Sindy and the politics of Polly Pocket.
Plus: Olly ruins vinegar for everybody; Helen ruins Mrs Pepperpot for everybody; and Martin the Sound Man ruins 'Spanish Flea' for everybody (around the 4-minute mark).
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (install it on your iDevices, Android and Windows gadgets), we wonder why Heston Blumenthal has not yet mass-produced a meat-filled chocolate orange. Not that we want one.
We do want your QUESTIONS, though: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and deliver emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Thanks to Squarespace.com for funding this episode; use the code answer2 to snag a 10% discount off their services for a whole year.
We'll be back on 27th February; in the meantime, listen to Olly on the now-national LBC and Helen on the international-despite-the-name Spark London podcast and Martin on his intergalactic noise-platform.
Byeeee!
Helen & Olly
*AMT283 Child-Friendly Rating: 38%. Some swears. Olly talks about his burning genitalia. Speculation about Mrs Pepperpot's sex life, but in terms a child hopefully won't fully understand. Intermission features colourful semen. Reference to a Prince Albert that you may have trouble explaining to your youngling. ***
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What would YOU like to be buried in, listeners? A solid gold sarcophagus? A Zorb ball? A burlap sack? Contemplate this issue whilst listening to Answer Me This! Episode 282, in which we also discuss:
coffins vs caskets coriander vs carbonara statues vs sculptures* Leonardo DiCaprio vs Norman Lamont sweaty sportswear Americano coffee Lincoln Logs film soundtracks sexy parrots jamoke Jesse Honey vs flags of the world the price of Lego Ron Mueck and an update to the Mastermind chair?
Plus: Olly probably doesn't want to be served up as a snack at his own wake; Helen will be a posthumous pedant, OF COURSE; and Martin the Sound Man, MPhys, DPhil, doesn't have a specialist subject on Mastermind, unless you can spin a whole round out of turning One Direction into physics references. Which seems quite possible, actually.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App, Olly invents a new game, even better than Lego, even better than Lincoln Logs. What, what, what incredible passtime can this be? Find out on your iDevices, Android and Windows.
We invite you to aid questioneer Brian by naming this tune.
We also invite you to give Squarespace.com a whirl, and if you enjoy that whirl you give it, use the code answer1 to snag a 10% discount for a whole year.
We also also invite you to send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and deliver emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
We finally invite you to rejoin us in a fortnight for AMT283,
Helen & Olly * Translation for our American chums: cilantro **** Find out more about Helen growing up with a sculptor for a dad in episode 300 of the super Little Atoms podcast.
••• AMT282 Child-Friendly Rating: 76%. A couple of F-bombs, but other than that, fairly clear of saucy language. Elevated discussions of sculpture, coffins and Mastermind. Less elevated discussions of sweaty sports bras. Remember, parents: light and shade, light and shade. •••
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Hello listeners!
The podcast is BACK for 2014. And changes are afoot; listen to Answer Me This! Episode 281 to discover what they are.
But as normal, we talk about such things as:
ice sculptures coach travel cat litter cystitis Piccadilly Circus vs Times Square country pubs vs London bars In Bruges vs Helen in Bruges the Blue Posts Crawl stamps floppy disks empty London attractiveness gaps and blank videotapes.
Plus: how schoolboy Olly Mann was both a 'budget Elvis' and like Jesus; how Helen's jar of gallstones is keeping a low profile; and how Martin the Sound Man didn't have an affair with a dog. (That he'll admit to on air.)
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows), Olly's beloved cat Coco gets her Flavor Flav gear on. Of course, Olly adores her whatever she wears.
We adore your QUESTIONS, so send them in: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Thanks to Squarespace.com for funding this episode of AMT, and if you want to see an example of a Squarespace site, visit our new answermethisstore.com, where you can buy our archive episodes/albums/Best Ofs with far more of your hard-earned money going to the AMT Corporation rather than a Big Corporation.
See you in a fortnight,
Helen & Olly
*AMT281 Child-Friendly Rating: 44%. Second half is pretty clean, but what use is that coming in the wake of a discussion of cystitis, masturbation and cervical mucus? Swearing: there is some. ***
PS Here's that Facebook pic of the collection of baby teeth. • ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
A little selection box of snippets from the Answer Me This! Christmas, out now at iTunes, Amazon and our very own Answer Me This! Store.
For more about the album and its contents, visit answermethispodcast.com/Christmas.
On this day, dear listeners, we arrive at the final new AMT episode of 2013. We'll be revisiting some of the Incredible Moments of the AMT year in our Best Of episodes on 12th and 19th December - which as always include some previously unpodcasted Incredible Moments - so please join us for those. Until then, here's Answer Me This! Episode 280, in which we learn about:
caterpillars Countryfile Brian May isolated stone columns boring men's fashion Tinder Elijah Wood/Tobey Maguire vs Ryan Gosling/Ryan Reynolds wearing white after Labor Day public personal grooming Shutter Island spoiler alert and pulling at theme parks.
Plus: Olly wouldn't have his honeymoon at Disney World even if he did get to jump queues and eat free food; if the Zoltar machine in Big had been replaced by a Zaltor machine, Tom Hanks would have received some pedantic grammatical advice from Helen instead; and Martin the Sound Man can't deal with ultraviolent films like Home Alone.
As we may have noted a few times, the Answer Me This! Christmas album is out now; click HERE to get it. In return for supporting the show with your dosh, you get one hour of all-new AMTchat about the festive period. There's a little sample of it as this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows).
As well as money, to keep AMT going in 2014 we need your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you back here on 12th December for the first installment of the best of AMT2013,
Helen & Olly
• • • AMT280 Child-Friendly Rating: 92%. Phonecall from an actual 6-year-old. Reasonably innocent hangover chat, and surprisingly clean discussion of hook-up apps. Two class B swears. Beware, there is a spoiler about the end of Big, which is not a film we want to ruin for your children; there's also spoiler about Shutter Island, which is not a film your children should be watching yet so it doesn't really matter. • • •
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A little snippet of the Answer Me This! Christmas album, available now at answermethispodcast.com/Christmas
Abracadabra! Alacazam! Bippity Boppity Boo! Hey Presto! And other words stage magicians probably don't use any more! But as if by magic, out of the false-bottomed top hat Answer Me This! Episode 279 appears. In it we speak of:
hangovers in London The Breakfast Club burrito card tricks great grandparents (not great-grandparents) the Masked Magician's spoilers Simon Callow's Vegas spectacular Olly's fantastic grandma grumpy old men and shutting children up.
Plus: Olly is bewitched by David Copperfield's hair more than his illusions; Helen got lost on a school trip, which was probably better than being on the fun-drained trip itself; and Martin the Sound Man illustrates why the romance of (500) Days of Summer wouldn't have worked so well if the action had been transplanted to Croydon.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) we consider what wisdom our grandparents passed on. Did yours bequeath any sage homilies or sensible advice? Let us know in the comments.
If you're as excited as we are about the all-new AMT Christmas album, click HERE to find out more about it and to buy. Your money keeps this podcast going, which hopefully is a good thing in your minds as well as ours.
Also keeping this podcast going are squarespace.com, who are also keeping easy website-building going. For 10% off their services, use the code Answer11; they're also offering you the chance to win a free YEAR of the service if you send us a link to your Squarespacetacular website - if tweeting said link, deploy the hashtag #AMTsquarespace. Come on, you competitive-spirited web-builders! PLAY TO WIN!
Finally, please send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Vanishing in a puff of smoke, but really behind a curtain,
Helen & Olly • • • AMT279 Child-Friendly Rating: 68%. Some swears. Discussion of hangovers, which may corrupt the youth. Deconstruction of some stage magic tricks, which may prove disillusioning to the credulous young mind. • • •
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Apologies for our absence last week; normal service resumes today with Answer Me This! Episode 278, in which we discuss:
pissing with Clint Eastwood Annie Hall Action Man Kinder Eggs vs the law ginger ale vs ginger beer romcoms vs heartbreak fake tan sexy scars GI Joe's thumb the golden era of Richard Curtis and Peter Stringfellow's Marmitey penis.
Today's episode was sponsored by squarespace.com, who are not only offering you 10% off their wonderful website-building services if you use the code Answer11, but also the chance to win a free YEAR of the service if you send us a link to your Squarespacetacular website - if tweeting said link, deploy the hashtag #AMTsquarespace.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) we wonder whether Peter Stringfellow is a nice (string)fellow. If you can confirm or deny, do let us know.
And, more importantly, do send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
If like this week's questioneer Maz you want to salve your broken heart with unlimited streaming of films and TV, get yourself a month's free LoveFilm trial at answermethispodcast.com/LoveFilm. You can also block out some white noise by listening to Helen's other podcast Sound Women, available here.
Our final demand: join us next Thursday, please,
Helen & Olly
••• AMT278 Child-Friendly Rating: 88%. Celebripissing chat and mention of Peter Stringfellow's stringfellow, but low swearage and kid-appropriate topics such as Action Man, Kinder Surprise and soft drinks. •••
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This week's episode comes from AMT's rural outpost: Olly's new house in the countraayyyyyy. And you know who else lives there? Of course it's Olly's beloved cat COCO! Listen carefully for her special guest appearance in Answer Me This! Episode 277.
the man who can fry his own hands dinosaur-themed minigolf YouTube tutorials 'vlogging' golf sales godparents the Millennium Bug Echo and the Bunnymen Bob Dylan vs Paul McCartney the royal death light and paruresis.
Plus: Olly prefers silence and privacy during lavatory-time; Helen does not endorse the Divine Right of Kings; and Martin the Sound Man destroys Olly by winning Coco's affections (and eating all the chocolate buttons). Look at him, brazenly wooing her away from the Mann who loves her most.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) Olly betrays his younger self by not bothering to meet Jason Donovan.
Please do bother to send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Thanks to listener Gil8ert for the jingle, to pod-colleague Roman Mars for calling in, and to squarespace.com for bringing you this episode. To get 10% off their myriad wonderful website-building services, remember to use the code Answer10.
In the words of Atomic Kitten, see ya!
Helen & Olly * AMT277 Child-Friendly Rating: 76%. A handful of swears. Reference to a blowie. Discussion of weeing adjacent to famous people. Could be a lot worse. ***
PS. Happy Halloween.
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As Halloween approaches, in Answer Me This! Episode 276 we wonder how it is that in films, adorable little girls become UTTERLY TERRIFYING. We also wonder about:
Cineworld Stevenage Stars in their Eyes the most tree-filled city in Europe pound shops Lisa Stansfield working night shifts Freddo bars Bon Jovi vs Dr Alban Midlands canals vs Venetian canals the Clee Hills vs the Urals the Torquay Eye Chinese restaurants Stoptober, Movember and Dickember and balti.
Plus: Olly gets busy with the passover plate; you can sponsor Helen next time she's buying posh chocolate; and Martin the Sound Man gets a whole question about his birthplace, Birmingham! Beware: the Brummie beast is unleashed...
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) we tackle a question from Ali from Cambridge, who after her recent break-up is gripped by the urge to chop her hair off. Classic technique, Ali.
We do want your whelming facts about Birmingham, or even your own hometown, but most of all we want your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
*AMT276 Child-Friendly Rating: 87%. A couple of swears, though the strongest are quoting a child, Regan in The Exorcist. ***
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Hello listeners,
In writing this post, we've learnt that the paintings of Helen Daniels are SO dreadful, even Google Images refuses to index many of them. There's not even an ironic Tumblr collection! The image above was the only shot we could find of the Kennedy klan's portrait, but it remains as powerfully repellant as ever.
Why have we waved this horrifying visual in front of your eyes? Listen to Answer Me This! Episode 275 to discover.
Also on today's slate:
the British Museum loans for kids Colosseum 4 Kids pet heirs Sir Hans Sloane covered bridges melting marshmallows and crayon-eating.
Plus: Olly is waiting for the long overdue system update for wooden furniture; Helen's swerving from pumpkin-spiced lattes; and Martin the Sound Man has identified the point at which he left childhood for adulthood: when he started fancy-talking about his excrement.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) Helen readies herself for the inevitable call asking her to join Gladiators if they ever rereboot it. She may not be match fit, but she's got her name all picked out.
Until that happens, we will continue to do battle with your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
This episode was brought to you by the largesse of squarespace.com, who are also offering you a 10% discount off their service if you use the code Answer10 after you've used up your two weeks' free website-building experimental phase.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
*AMT275 Child-Friendly Rating: 98%. Educational content; clean language apart from the word 'shat'. Not bad going, eh? ***
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Why even bother listening to Answer Me This! Episode 274 when you can book PAT SHARP AND THE TWINS to come and do Fun House with you????
Once the disappointment has faded that they don't actually bring the house with them, they just conjure it in words, then you might as well hear today's episode, in which we discuss:
Leonard Cohen's party anthems parliamentary mutterings winking Anne Robinson vs Doris Day Bourbon biscuits vs Bourbon boozes Breaking Bad vs Streetmate Bud Lite Platinum vs Old Speckled Hen Platinum Scandal Justin Timberlake's part-time jobs spare American presidents and six degradations of Kevin Bacon.
Plus: Olly is NOT a winker, whatever you've heard; Helen will waive all usual constitutional structure for Michelle Obama; and Martin the Sound Man is happier than you've ever heard him. Possibly happier than he's ever been. Including his wedding day.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) Olly worries about being out-butched by a baby. Accept what you cannot change, Olly.
You can change AMT by sending in your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And you could also change the education of young people by helping Martin raise funds for the charity Arts Emergency: they'll receive all proceeds of his concept album with Mark Burrows, Kill It With Fire.
You can also give us a bit of money without actually giving us your own money: just take our free LoveFilm trial. With it, you can stream The Perks of Being a Wallflower (as well as thousands of other films and televisuals) then tell us whether you concur with our opinion voiced in AMT233.
Even if you can't be arsed to do any of those fairly low-stress things, please join us again next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
*AMT274 Child-Friendly Rating: 95%. Bit of mid-level swearing right off the mark, but otherwise an episode largely free of ribaldry and profanity. Child-appropriate topics including Fun House, biscuits and Doris Day. The kids are fairly likely to zone out during the politics stuff. ***
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While we reel from the 'IT'S OCTOBER ALREADY, HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?' feeling, get stuck into Answer Me This! Episode 273, containing such subjects as:
Today we tackle such subjects as:
Olly Mann vs Eminem old men vs dead men Shakespeare vs Star Trek "carriages at 11pm" spare buttons Michelin Guides naming planets and The Fat Duck.
Furthermore: Olly is not a particularly discerning restaurant reviewer; the surprise element means Helen is bound for glory in rap battles; and Martin the Sound Man's not going to helm an AMT Album about rocket science any time soon, though you can buy his new concept album Kill It With Fire - all proceeds go to the charity Arts Emergency.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) we continue our discussion about Michelin-starred restaurants, but somehow end up considering which wines to pair with a Gregg's pasty. These things happen.
If you want more AMT to happen, send in your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
And please do give squarespace.com a whirl: they have not only sponsored today's episode of AMT, but are also offering you a 10% discount off their service if you use the code Answer10, after you've had your two weeks' free website-building fun.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
*AMT273 Child-Friendly Rating: 94%. Light on bawdy-talk and it was SO close to being a swear-free episode until we mentioned of the planet Uranus, causing Martin the Sound Man to make up some sweary planet names of his own. A couple of low-impact swears thereafter. Also a passing reference to bongs, but not one encouraging kids to use them. ***
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Hello listeners,
Today's questioneer Beth has chosen the AMT Holiday album to be the soundtrack to her child's birth. If you have ever given birth whilst listening to Answer Me This!, we'd be curious to know. Although we refuse to accept responsibility for any psychological problems your child develops as a result.
Anyway, welcome to the world, babies born during Answer Me This! Episode 272. Their tiny little damp ears would be caressed by such topics as:
bow tie tattoos brie vs camembert H.R. Giger's Alien vs Greys (vs Morena Baccarin in V (vs the giant space vagina in Starship Troopers)) citizenship chevrons opposite strippers quills Kevin Costner's hair and dogging.
Plus: Olly expects all aliens to keep it sexy; Helen has a box set ready to get herself through any occasion; and Martin the Sound Man has gender issues, if his predilection for Bounty Bars is any indicator. And if you're a non-Brit wondering what a Bounty Bar is, we translate for you in this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android): it's the same thing as Mounds. Great name, guys!
We're taking next week off, so you have ample time to send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
And don't forget to check out squarespace.com, who have kindly sponsored today's episode of AMT, and are even more kindly offering you two weeks' free play with all their website-building tools and then 10% off their service if you use the code AMT9. There are myriad design templates and hosting options, and 24/7 phone support if you need a hand. So go forth and build beautiful websites! And do let us know about them when you're done. As long as they're not the kind of site that would traumatise your child if they accidentally found them whilst snooping in your browser history.
See you Thursday after next,
Helen & Olly
*AMT272 Child-Friendly Rating: 34%. Quite a lot of swearing. Question from a child about a parent's possible extra-curricular sexual activities, inc explanation of 'dogging'. ***
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Today we learn why all those people believe Elvis to be alive, whereas they don't feign such confidence over the likes of, say, Janis Joplin, Robert Johnson, Mozart... Put on your white jumpsuit and conspiracy theorising hat, and get stuck into Answer Me This! Episode 271, in which we also ponder:
In which we also ponder:
office nemeses servants panpipes table tennis bats cupcake wars (interpersonal ones, not the tv show of the same name) Red Or Black vs Ant Or Dec the parliamentary mace vs Geoff Hoon The Flaming Et Cetera and the National Enquirer.
Furthermore! Of course Olly loves the sound of his own voice, but only in solitude; sure, Helen can bake, but it's nothing really (on the other hand, talking shit every week is high art); and Martin the Sound Man posits that not only is Elvis not alive now, he was also not alive during most of his life. You still following?
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) Helen wonders how a duck foetus ends up in a glass of champagne on a tasting menu - and moreover why anybody would think that is a suitable first date drink.
Also not suitable for a first date, but perfectly suitable for most other times, is sending us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
*AMT271 Child-Friendly Rating: 88%. Opens with an email about Consenting Adults' Bedsports, but other than that, very clean, even swear-wise. ***
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At the time of recording Answer Me This! Episode 270 dicksmack.org*, the domain name bandied around in last week's episode, was still available. But within minutes of today's episode becoming available, it seems one enterprising listener snapped it up. If it's any comfort, dicksmack.com is still available...
- Apologies to any listener called Dick S. Mack for any upset all this may have caused.
On today's agenda:
ostrich eggs symmetrical balls gorilla balls the 'guess the price of the scarves' game book blurbs jam vs conserve supernatural forces vs scientific forces Zara vs Liberty Rick Stein's signature vs George Orwell's signature Frankenstein's monster's education celebrity community service the Legends Football League, nee Lingerie Football League the We're the Millers trailer and zombies.
Plus: Olly's binders full of women are very well organised; Helen insists on having a Pocket full of articles to keep her diverted during boring shopping trips; and Martin the Sound Man finally reveals what his PhD was in. Wait - he didn't just buy it off the internet?
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) includes Olly's impression of every Stephen King film ever. Has to be heard to be believed.
Please be so kind as to send us your QUESTIONS (unless they're about zombies, in which case don't): leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Oh, and if you want to buy a signed copy of the AMT book, and to support a terrific independent bookshop by doing so, ask Bookseller Crow for one.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
• • • AMT270 Child-Friendly Rating: 36%. F-bomb detonates within first minute of the show, followed by discussion about dicksmack.org, and the dick-related things that site could potentially contain. Several swears. Early question about testicles. Safe waters in the middle of the show, but ends with a question about a sport that is essentially fap-material. • • •
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Hello listeners,
Trolls have been in the news a lot lately - the online tormentor kind, but not the toys that used to be so popular. Why is that? Did people finally take a clear-eyed look at those dinky little plastic haemorrhoids and realise that they disobeyed William Morris's dictum regarding beauty/usefulness? Has there been a worldwide shortage of neon hair?
No. Find out the true reason for trolls' recent retirement from the limelight in Answer Me This! Episode 269, in which we also learn about:
wicker furniture family holidays murder houses Ray Winstone vs. June Whitfield indoor-outdoor space the Lindbergh baby the seven generic top-level domains pianists' page-turners Thomas Dam and Yoshi.
Plus: Olly gets to talk about cats, and their glands, and their necks, and their cheeks, and their adorable bums; if Helen were the subject of a Thomas Harris novel, it'd be The Silence of the Chairs; and Martin the Sound Man is indignant at the idea of a male dinosaur laying an egg through his urethra.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App features a humdinger of a tale: Olly has alphabeticised his spice rack. For reals! Hear all about it, and how Helen has organised her spice rack, on your iDevice or Android.
Also, if you want to have a holiday that is more enjoyable than questioneer Pat from Canada's, try the AMT Holiday album - no family rows or screaming kids, just one hour of us jabbering on into your ear. What could be more paradisial and relaxing than that?
Don't be so relaxed that you forget to send us your QUESTIONS, though. Leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
*AMT269 Child-Friendly Rating: 78%. Some swearing, one attributable to Olly channelling Ray Winstone. References to feline sexual delight. Detraction of possibly beloved-by-children Troll dolls. ***
PS Oh, HERE's where all the Trolls disappeared to. Aside from all the ones that have been hiding out here.
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Hello listeners,
Although August is coming to a close, and with it the Edinburgh Fringe, there's still just enough time to incorporate our grade-A publicity techniques into your show. Learn from the masters in Answer Me This! Episode 268, in which we also consider:
SeaWorld ark logistics glacier cherries Peter Nichols' Passion Play Noah's flood vs. the great flood of Edgware transporting whales E number 127 aeroplane seat-reclining etiquette endless Chorus Line war poetry and Barry Scott.
Plus: Olly warns you not to sit behind him on a flight, as he provides his own, er, jet propulsion; Helen still regrets inadvertently reviving the Al Jolson look for Edinburgh Fringe punters; and Martin the Sound Man fails the 'name the artificial colourant in the glacé cherries' game.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android, Helen tells you the magic trick with which you can WOW your friends (or thoroughly disappoint them if all they wanted was a nice refreshing orange).
Don't disappoint us: send us your nice refreshing QUESTIONS. Leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. If we answer them, as Barry Scott would say: bang, and the doubt is gone.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
*AMT268 Child-Friendly Rating: 75%. In the aftermath of AMT267, this episode opens with further discussion of virginity loss, with concomitant references to genitalia and sexual practices. However the rest of the episode is clean beans, aside from a couple of swears. ***
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Good morning, you lazy bastards! One listener called Martin has been up and at 'em since earlytimes, because before this post even went up, he tweeted us with a solution to one of the problems discussed in Answer Me This! Episode 267: Josh, who is trying to watch racy HBO shows on his iPad at the gym without feeling ashamed, needs to get one of these. Wallop! Problem solved. And what have you* done lately, eh?
Don't worry, we don't really require you to do very much at all, except listen to the episode, of course, in which we also consider:
spiders Victor David Brenner SculptureShop Thomas Jefferson vs. Mariah Carey Olly's dad vs. DVDs corrupt bakers Theresa May: monarchical midwife À la recherche du temps perdu madeleines Farter's Day the definition of virginity and Richard Nixon.
Plus, each of us is ready for combat this week: Olly provokes a rematch of the Battle of Agincourt, but this time over French cakes versus English cakes; Helen wages war against cliché; and Martin the Sound Man takes a shoot-to-kill policy on spiders and whelks.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android, learn how to decorate your home in the Olly Mann style: with squashed moths. Or, if you prefer slightly less morbid things on your walls, you could get the AMT clock that he mentions in the show. That's right: Olly Mann's clockface is his own face. We're still working on turning Helen's face into a sundial.
While we do that, you should work on sending us your QUESTIONS. It's easy: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Bam. Job done.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
• • • AMT267 Child-Friendly Rating: 50%. Just a couple of swears. Question about sex scenes in HBO shows. Graphic mental image of Jack Straw staring up a royal birth canal. Question about virginity at the end of the show with, naturally, references to sexual practices, albeit thoughtful rather than lairy in tone. • • •
PS Thanks to Kevin McLeod, Amy Smith and Sam Pay for providing the holiday album jingle.
*PPS Another subtle remedy Josh's gym sex scene shame.
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Good day, listeners,
In the words of Neely O'Hara, Answer Me This! Episode 266 is all 'Boobies boobies boobies': fake ones, milky ones, Kelly Brook's ones...
Ahem. Aside from the boob-reverie, we discuss:
audience participation (get it away from us!) poor old Queen Anne backyard burial grounds business cards vs. Michael Jackson She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain When She Comes vs. ATB's Till I Come freelance gravediggers singalonga musicals Mutya Buena's boosted buttocks Darryn Lyons' abs and forked tongues.
Plus: Olly specifies where his ashes are to be scattered; Helen doesn't care if her craft legacy dies with her; and despite all his singing skills, Martin the Sound Man doesn't have the range to sing in Aspects of Love. He'll never get to be Michael Ball (ball!).
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android, a revival of Olly's beloved Hunting of the Snark might become a reality? Come on, Mike Batt - make a young Mann's lifelong dream come true!
And you - make our combined dream come true by sending us QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
*AMT266 Child-Friendly Rating: 70%. References to the songs of Peaches. Question about dead bodies. Discussion of boobs, natural and cosmetically altered. Very little swearing aside from an f-bomb. ***
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Hello listeners,
If, like today's questioneer Paul, you want to allow a cool breeze to circulate around your nethers, but without the hazard of being charged with indecent exposure, we recommend you wear one of these around the house. The pockets are really useful too, for carrying cooling ice-packs and emergency underpants lest you receive an unexpected guest.
Also useful, though providing no modesty coverage, is Answer Me This! Episode 265, in which we discuss matters including:
Amazon Amazons' boobs Amazon's Eye penile hygiene straitjackets Dire Straits (ham)burgers tartar vs. tartare sauce vs. the Tatars chips and gravy vs. poutine political speech spoilers The Bridge Jeff Bezos and the Midlands swing vote.
Plus: Olly thinks one of the world's biggest online retailers caters especially to his ego; Helen improves upon Ed Miliband's cigarette packet zingers; and Martin the Sound Man explains why Sylvia Plath ate her mince raw.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android, we come up with a more fitting name for the Shakespeare play that so nettled Olly in last week's episode. Look out for a production of Much Ado About Vagina at an outdoor theatre near you.
Our podcast would be much ado about nothing without your QUESTIONS, so please send them to us: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
*AMT265 Child-Friendly Rating: 30%. Mention of ripe topics including boobs, suicide, politics, fellatio. A few swear-bombs. ***
PS Thanks to Kevin McLeod for music, as well as the AMT Players as usual.
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Hello listeners,
Today, in Answer Me This! Episode 264, we ~~pretend to~~ remember the most beloved 20th century canine entertainer. No, not Lassie! No, not Rin Tin Tin. No, not Columbo's Basset hound... Alright, one of the Top 40 (give or take) most beloved 20th century canine entertainers: Schnorbitz.
We also discuss:
Skee-Lo's wishes open-air Shakespeare dumping your cat-sitter perfect picnics barley water pina colada-scented dog shampoo manly smells Johnny Depp vs. Sean Maguire AMT classic episodes vs. Casablanca eating in front of Keane and Suede The Psychopath and macaroni collages.
Plus: Olly is a human salad, with the Body Shop providing the dressing (but don't put any strawberries in it!); Helen makes things other than podcasts; and Martin the Sound Man resolves to suspend his scepticism. We're sure that'll last more than 0 minutes.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android, we consider the Bacardi Bat and its similarity to Captain Birdseye. Certainly if we were choosing one of them as the voice of a joke Twitter account, we'd go for the one that can at least communicate in words. Sonar doesn't translate well to tweets.
If you would like us to translate your QUESTIONS into podcast, send them to us as voicemails deposited on the Question Line - call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis - or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly AMT263 Child-Friendly Rating: 50%. Bit of swearing, short discussion about sex, plus a section about a dead dog. Children do get upset by dead dogs.
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Ugh.
THIS SHIT.
ROYAL BABY! ROYAL BABY! ROYAL BABY! #ROYALBABY!
However, at the time of posting, the creature hasn't actually been born, so try to keep a lid on that ROYAL BABY EXCITEMENT for long enough to listen to Answer Me This! Episode 263, in which we discuss such matters as:
steampunk Switzerland's self-destructive self-defence Prince Charles's flat caps for kiddies goggles on hats the Tour de France yellow jersey vs. the Tour de France polka dot jersey your lies to your girlfriend vs. everybody else's lies to your girlfriend Lisa Simpson vs. Nick Cave Swiss Roll KW Jeter The Melting Pot and Euros.
Plus: Olly's money-based conjuring tricks weren't fooling anyone; if Helen's guess is correct and the ROYAL BABY receives the same middle name as Diana, Frances (Francis for a boy), then everybody has to give her £10 in congratulation; and Martin the Sound Man knows where to go in the event of nuclear apocalypse in the middle of Europe.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android we harp on about Royal Baby Krispy Kreme. No, we haven't had a heads-up that the baby will be named Krispy Kreme Kambridge (but if it IS, you definitely have to give us all £10); we're talking about this shit.
But...if you are absolutely desperate to piss away money on some spurious tie-in with the ROYAL BABY, then the AMT Jubilee is obviously the best direction in which to piss. And we have no qualms about recommending our SMASH HIT TOP 15 ALBUM Answer Me This! Holiday.
Also, please do send us your QUESTIONS for the new series: leave voicemails on the Question Line - call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis - or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
*AMT262 Child-Friendly Rating: 90%. Minimal swearing and a fair amount of educational content, but one question about a listener's sexual dalliances and the psychologically damaging actions of his girlfriend's parents, which some children may find troubling. ***
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Hello listeners! We hope you have survived our three-week absence. If not, it'll be no use to you to know that Answer Me This! Episode 262 is ready for your attentions, nor to learn that in it we speak of:
the A1 (the road, not the boyband) baseball caps food trucks hammock hazards Pulse and Cocktails (link NSFW) ice cream vans and cocktails Steven Spielberg's headgear 'Looking for Freedom' vs 'Looking for Linda' pate and great big strapping Michael Parkinson.
Plus: Olly receives the wrath of the Hoff; Helen would not give away what goes on in large discreet carparks; and Martin the Sound Man describes his brief moment as the young Frank Rossitano in this week's Bit of Crap on the App - or, given the subject matter, this week's Bit of Cap on the App, which is available for iDevices and Android.
Please do click here to preview/purchase our SMASH HIT TOP 15 ALBUM Answer Me This! Holiday, that was briefly but thrillingly sandwiched between Robbie and Rihanna.
And also please do send us your QUESTIONS for the new series: leave voicemails on the Question Line - call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis - or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
• AMT262 Child-Friendly Rating: 60%. Question about sex shops ruining an otherwise innocent episode. •
PS Click here for Historic Hoff Moment no.1. PPS Click here for Historic Hoff Moment no.2.
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Hello listeners,
This week, we learn a few very important lessons about sheep: not to underestimate them intellectually and emotionally; what they have in common with Margaret Thatcher; and what they also have in common with Helen's mum. Discover these things right now in Answer Me This! Episode 261, in which we also learn about:
emogothpunk style Casper the Suicidal Ghost small-talk with accountants the losers' cafe in The Apprentice BHS Dr Martens free sunglasses pony-drawn rollers the Cabinet vs. the Divine Right of Kings iced coffee vs. cold coffee Olly's face vs. Richard Gere's face The All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club hair-blindness and advice from Paul Ross.
Plus: Olly had to go cold turkey on the brown, by which we mean Mr Brown drinks, not heroin; Helen sounds and looks (and smells) like an old fart; and Martin the Sound Man's emotional needs are not going to be met by sheep. Let's not even contemplate whether they can meet his sexual needs, please. You can meet Martin's needs by going to his website or YouTube to watch his spectacular new music video (/visual evidence of his nervous breakdown).
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) Helen expresses her ever-unrealised desire for unusual-coloured hair. She may have wimped out of having an experimental phase in her teens, but when she's a geriatric she WILL go full-bore Marge Simpson. Promise.
Promise us to send us your QUESTIONS for our next series: leave voicemails on the Question Line - call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis - or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
We'll be back with AMT262 on 11th July, so please join us then; in the meantime, check back here for our imminent album, the Answer Me This! Holiday, our all-new follow-up to our Top 20 (no really!) albums Jubilee and Sports Day, available for your delectation at answermethispodcast.com/albums.
Byeeee!
Helen & Olly AMT261 Child-Friendly Rating: 90%. References to hiding pornographic magazines; very mild profanity.
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Hello chums,
This week, listener Melvyn from Israel got in touch to ask whether we have a system for identifying AMT episodes which are suitable for his children to listen to. So from this point forward, each episode will have a rating so you parents/children are aware of the incidence of blue language and depraved material. Answer Me This!* Episode 260 scores a Child Friendly Rating of 70% (mild swearing/bawdy talk and one question about dicks).
Today we discuss:
Wagon Wheels jalapeños disappointing Oxford Circus Loose Women's stools (not as in bowel movement stools) tuk tuk drivers Fentimans The Pammy vs. The Governess Lord Adonis helium and dressing to the left/right.
Plus: Olly has a simple but ingenious method for hiding his Special Racy Magazines; Helen is a fan of neither Buckfast nor Red Bull; and the only thing bigger than Martin the Sound Man's head is his...ego?
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we discuss Desert Island Drugs. We may be squares in our normal lives, but leave us to die alone on a desert island and we'll give any intoxicants a whirl.
If you haven't, give QUESTION-ASKING a whirl: leave voicemails on the Question Line - call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis - or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Plus, if you're interested in hearing swear-free episode 59 or Martin-free episode 78, they - and 118 more retro AMT episodes - are available to buy at answermethispodcast.com/classic.
See you next Thursday, for our last episode of this current series (oh don't, you'll set us off too),
Helen & Olly
*This does mean our previous 259 episodes remain the Wild West, but if you have a craven desire to go through all of them to rate them, be our guest.
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Hi listeners,
Today we discuss the world's greatest audio format apart from this one: Desert Island Discs. What would your luxury be? (If you're a cheating cheater who wants to take a fully-stocked iPod, throw yourself into the sea.) Find out ours, along with myriad other important nuggets of information, in Answer Me This! Episode 259, in which we also consider:
condoms vs. opera gloves knits vs. nits Tim Burton vs. Faust Olly vs. Ollie vs. Olleigh cherry-pickers gentlemen's clubs (nb not 'gentlemen's clubs') The Reform Act This Life personalised Coke bottles Simon Cowell's reflection mayonnaise spa treatments retro-live-tweeting and Russ Abbott.
Plus: Olly is nostalgic for an infestation of headlice; Helen WOULD with the person who changes the lights in supermarkets; and Martin the Sound Man doesn't want to swallow himself. Just reflect on that quietly.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) Olly rhapsodises about the Coca-Cola Freestyle Machine. All the different types of sugar water - in one machine! A miracle of modern life.
Another miracle of modern life is to be able to watch thousands of hours of entertainment for FREE thanks to our LoveFilm offer - which, equally miraculously, helps pay for future Answer Me Thises.
As well as free money, we can only sustain the podcast with your QUESTIONS, so send them along in the form of voicemails on the Question Line - call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis - or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly • ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
Hello listeners,
Sound the sirens - today, in Answer Me This! Episode 258, we address a VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION. One of those questions that completely reshapes your neural pathways, redirects your chi, repapers the hallways of your spiritual palace. Get ready:
What is a dickbag? A bag OF dicks, a bag FOR dicks, or a ballbag?
Yup. One of the greats.
We also discuss:
cinema intervals sleeping in parks the not-circular Circle Line silly cows presidential perishables gifts for Sophie Raworth Dumbo vs. DUMBO exes vs. economics potplant-murder vs. potplant-suicide the White House postal address cartoon crows and coffee in the loo.
Plus: young Olly wanted value even more than he wanted Disney cartoons; Helen is a lady; and you don't want to be hot-desking at Martin the Sound Man's office, you really don't.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we feel the threat of the new Greatest Show On Earth: Radio 4's Tweet of the Day.
If birdsong isn't your thing, how about a month of free film/TV/games instead? Deprive yourself no longer; sign up to our free LoveFilm offer right now. You'd not only be delighting yourself with all the free entertainment of LoveFilm, you'd also be helping maintain the free entertainment of AMT, because we get money if you take up the trial.
There's another way you can help keep this show going: send us your QUESTIONS! Leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly • ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
Hello listeners! We have wonderful news for you this week: you can have a free month's subscription to LoveFilm, whereby you can gorge yourself on unlimited telly and film, whilst we get a bit of dosh for you doing so.
Trot along to answermethispodcast.com/LoveFilm to take up the offer, but beware, your achievement levels may slump immediately as a result - I almost didn't get around to posting Answer Me This! Episode 257 because I got sucked into rewatching all of 90s wobblycam dramedy This Life. Oh Egg. Stop allowing football to distract you from the fact that your relationship is so thankless.
Unlike AMT257, of course, in which we discuss:
yoga and pilates the room being full of hotties hog-faced coons personalised polling stations polling pencils vs. polling pens child actors vs. pushy parents magpies vs. ratatouille Ben Affleck vs. his past self as one half of Bennifer Aunt Bessie vs. Mrs Elswood vs. Sarah Nelson Google Doodles vs. Bing...things? something saucy James McAvoy Burning Man Charlie Chaplin's 122nd birthday Dennis Hwang's Wikipedia page Nude Nuns with Big Guns and supermarket shopping dividerzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Plus, if that last topic didn't put you sleep: Olly hopes his career develops well enough that he doesn't have to do 'ass to ass' with some frozen honey-roast parsnips; Helen was a Google Virgin until she met Olly; and Martin the Sound Man is so angry at the mere mention of Madonna, he drowns in his own bile. And if you want to do the same, revise 'American Life' here. Yep, that'll do it.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) Olly is feeling unlucky since the loss of Google's 'I'm Feeling Lucky' button. Someone organise a black tie benefit dinner-dance for him, asap!
While that's going on, the rest of you can send us your QUESTIONS for forthcoming episodes: leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday, LoveFilm-wormholes notwithstanding,
Helen & Olly • ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
Hello listeners,
We know some of you like to listen to the podcast with your little children, so just to warn you, Answer Me This! Episode 256 contains some bawdy-talk. But by all means go ahead and listen if you're happy to field such subsequent questions from your progeny as, "Mummy, what's a sex party?" and "Where's a clitoris?" They were bound to find out at some point anyway, most likely from the school library's copy of Meg and Mog go Swinging.
Today we discuss:
crunching on the quiet carriage black tie and board shorts seals vs. sea lions holes vs. flaps owls vs. Bruce Springsteen fat Fred Flintstone hot tub ming machine pants sandwiches swinging seven days a week LinkedIn fashion fails and the etiquette of revealing your genital piercings.
Plus: Olly's very happy to be the only man in a jacuzzi, unless it's at his local sex party house or crawling with children; Helen retroactively destroys your childhood, one bloated dead duck at a time; and Martin the Sound Man would cast Holly Hunter as Harry Potter, Gandalf, Katniss, Edward AND Bella AND Jacob, Luke Skywalker, and his wife in the film of his own life. (Holly Hunter: "Er...sorry Martin, I'm busy." (Busy changing her locks.))
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we worry further about the Flintstones' health, what with the imbalanced diet and the smoking. They're like a bunch of prehistoric cartoon Don Drapers, aren't they?
We invite your ears to bend around more podcasts this week: Helen's new venture Sound Women; the newest pony in Martin the Sound Man's stable of podcasts, Brain Train; our weekly excursion on 5 Live's Let's Talk About Tech; and our recent guest appearance on episode 56 of Ian Collins Wants a Word.
And as ever, we invite you to send us your QUESTIONS for forthcoming episodes: leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly • ALBUMS • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • iTUNES • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
Hello listeners,
We really hope you didn't first hear the sad news about JLS on Answer Me This! Episode 255. If you did, please accept our condolences at this difficult time.
Through our veil of grief, today we discuss:
fruit PDA inappropriate gifts Volvos proofreading Pitbull's party anthems Pop Star to Deer Farmer Abz from 5ive bangs Andre 3000 + Beyonce covering Winehouse porn prodigies Paul Torrisi Olly's mum's sex tips and Olly's cat's arsehole.
Plus: Olly's not so much house-hunting as Costco cupboard-hunting; Michelle Obama makes Helen weepy; and if unlike Martin the Sound Man's parents you DO want to listen to his albums, get them from thesoundoftheladies.com. Perfect soundtrack for gardening and cat funerals.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we consider the ridiculousness of reading about Web 2.0 via Web 0.0, ie print media, which is going the way of JLS before too long.
We don't intend to go anywhere soon, though, so do send us your QUESTIONS for forthcoming episodes: leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Bye!
Helen & Olly
PS Revisit our previous discourse about the male and female symbols in AMT96 and JLS in AMT187.
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EPISODE 254 - wretched ballsport
Good morning!
In Answer Me This! Episode 254, we consider whether it's acceptable to share creamy substances with your partner in public. Ice cream, that is. What did you think we meant, you dirty birdy?
We also discuss:
netball space food Artex AMT wedding lists Tanzanian supu vs. Jewish chicken soup tiger penis vs. whitebait penis the Kennedy Space Center gift shop greetings card inspiration cleaning up after your parents goat lungs and Nossex.
Plus: there's only one Olly Mann, apart from the other one (and the imposter one); Helen doesn't know where you need to go to find stimulating material for your braces fetish, so don't even bother asking; and Martin the Sound Man is crackers. But you can follow him on Instagram if you like crackers (or, eggs and pictures of clouds).
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we throw shade at one of the biggest menaces of the 21st century: cupcakes. Crapcakes, more like! Amirite?
It just remains for us to request your QUESTIONS for forthcoming episodes: leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Bye!
Helen & Olly ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • SOUNDCLOUD • FAQ iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 253 - giving people wood
Hi listeners,
Would you believe it, someone wishes to own this monstrous creature (pictured) SO MUCH that it has caused a rift in a friendship. Hear all about it in Answer Me This! Episode 253, as well as:
summer jobs summer camp rat poison Australia's bush capital Helen vs. Michael Jackson Refreshers vs. Refreshers Crash vs. Crash dying and decaying alone handmade cheques funfair capitalism the sword in Disney's stone and lobster hunting.
Plus: Olly is all about the winning, not the taking part; from humble childhood aspirations, Helen grew up into this (warning: disturbing); and Martin the Sound Man seems upset that Kids These Days prefer Nemo to Pinocchio. Nobody likes a fibber, Martin.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android), Olly describes how the late Margaret Thatcher out-Beadled the late Jeremy Beadle. Maybe he pranked her back in the 80s and this was her comeback. What a pair!
As usual, we invite you to send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. From those, more AMT will be begotten.
See you next week,
Helen & Olly ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 252 - the Northern version of crop circles
Happy Special Guest Episode day, listeners! For today, in Answer Me This! Episode 252, we are delighted to be joined by Isy Suttie, with whom we discuss:
allowable celebrity shags A Level revision tips (caution: may not work) buying condoms slapping your thighs with mirth emu pasta Twitter by osmosis clean-up dogs neighbourly mysteries the curious habits of Seann Walsh Dans le Noir cheese vs. butter online bingo vs. offline bingo otters vs. bears vs. gummy bears the 'Roseanne Barr type' beetle drives and Roald Dahl's Magic Finger.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we learn more about the pitfalls of fantasy crushes - especially when they're on Isy - then address a question from James about why girls wear school ties when adult women rarely wear ties (Diane Keaton and Janelle Monae notwithstanding).
If this episode makes you wish for more Isy, her new series Love Letters is on Radio 4 Extra and will be on Radio 4 at the end of April; the latest and last series of Shameless is airing on Channel 4; her recent Sky Living musical comedy Miss Wright is still available on your Skyboxes; and Peep Show is always worth a rewatch.
It's always worth sending us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Furnished with those, we shall return next Thursday with AMT253.
Helen & Olly PS Click here to hear our previous special guest episodes. ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 251 - you never see All Saints putting up a wall, ever
Good day, listeners,
Does a place make a man, or in this case a Mann? If today's questioneer decides to move his young family to Stanmore, will he find himself raising his own curly-haired cat-obsessed musicals lover? Or will he just benefit from convenient Jubilee Line access and a nice Lebanese restaurant? We consider the benefits of the burb that birthed Olly in Answer Me This! Episode 251, as well as the following other things:
morning sickness Pimms poisonous plaster flirting the Wiki Wiki Shuttle wiki wiki Ward Cunningham phone sex vs. sex carpenter-style jeans Nupedia Laurence Olivier Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen human chorionic gonadotropin the only non-singing, non-dancing part in West Side Story and the sanitary iPad.
Plus: Olly needs to learn to speak Bloke; morning sickness won't put Helen off having a baby, but everything else will; and Martin the Sound Man is a big hairy flowerpot, and no returns.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we continue our discussion about equine actors; it moves on to child actors, then somehow to Olly having sex with a Battenburg cake. Which is the inevitable end of any discussion if you continue it long enough.
Next week will be a Special Guest Episode, and if you haven't listened to the episode yet to find out who it will be, here's your SPECIAL GUEST SPOILER:
Isy Suttie!
That's right, Dobby from Peep Show/Esther from Shameless/Isy Suttie from Isy Suttie's comedy shows will be joining us to answer your QUESTIONS. So send them to us: leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next week!
Helen & Olly ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 250 - provincial or Provençal?
Greetings, podlings!
Spring has yet to spring in our homeland, but the spring run of AMT is ready to spring into your ears right now. Spring into action and listen to Answer Me This! Episode 250, in which we discuss:
pizza delivery Billy Kennedy's fluffy dice lolliPopes selling intangibles on eBay papal pants Les Miserables, unabridged musicals vs. literature second-hand gravestones vs. serial killer memorabilia the Littlewoods catalogue and the Vatican's sauna.
Plus: Olly would rather be gifted olives than a car; Helen is not comfortable being on first-name terms with South By Southwest; and Martin the Sound Man is uncharacteristically quiet, which you can attribute to the presence of a bag of Cheetos.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we speculate upon what name Kate'n'Wills are likely to bestow upon their impending royal spawn. Clue: it'll be something more boring than any of these.
Not boring, on the other hand, are your QUESTIONS. We want lots of them for the new series, so don't be shy: leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Apropos of more things to listen to this week: click here to hear Helen on Jordan, Jesse, Go! Helen & Olly ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 249 - a long line of sadists
Hello listeners, and goodbye as we will be off for the next two Thursdays. That's just enough time for you to listen to a free audiobook, enjoy Martin the Sound Man's album, subscribe to the other weekly podcast featuring us Let's Talk About Tech, peruse our back catalogue, and mow the lawn.
And, do not forget, listen to Answer Me This! Episode 249 as well. Today we discuss:
tweed Michael Jackson's umbrella chopsticks Gaelic warlords pipe-smoking tax trends The Fugitive vs. fairytales Harold Wilson vs. Gandalf lockers the goddess Ériu Toronto, Kansas chopsticks and Rabbi Shmuley Boteach.
Plus: teenage Olly was the lovelorn Bard of txtspk; Helen is going to spend the AMTbreak in Scotland investigating The Mystery of the Missing Sweet and Sour Pork Balls; and Martin the Sound Man won't sacrifice choice for convenience when it comes to the specific heat capaity of his toast toppings.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android), we delve further into Chris from Lewes's question about combining butter with other spreadable substances. Perhaps he's just ahead of his time! Or perhaps he really is just unbelievably lazy.
You, however, ought not be so lazy that you fail to send us your QUESTIONS for the next series. Leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis; or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Give us something great with which to celebrate AMT250, because we can't afford a marching band.
Until 28th March, farewell!
Helen & Olly ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 248 - babies don't hatch out of eggs "Hey there everybody! We've all got bums, haven't we? So what's it to be: scrunch or fold? SCRUNCH OR FOLD???"
NO DON'T TELL US. Tell nobody. Find that impulse that lurks deep within yourself to vocalise your opinions upon a matter so boring, so mundane, so underwhelming an indicator of anything interesting about your character; find it, then destroy it.
Then listen to Answer Me This! Episode 248.
Today we ponder upon:
Flu Camp pregnancy disguises Stevenage slush puppies (not a euphemism) Ming Dynasty toilet paper Joseph Gayetty posh Pot Noodles domestic rubbish vs. commercial rubbish London, UK vs. London, Ontario figure skating vs. Dancing On Ice Tiny Toronto and Sergey Brin hiding in the bushes.
Plus: Olly's lukewarm about Google Glass, but looking forward to the installation of his Google Womb; Helen believes the empire waist to be an offence to waists (and empires); and Martin the Sound Man doesn't like the principles of Ayn Rand, he just looks like he does.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) is a question from Poppy wondering why Skittles' latest ad campaign is targeting the people-who-eat-bodily-growths market. Cheer up, Poppy; at least they're not suggesting you wipe your bottom with Skittles then tell them about it.
Tell us your QUESTIONS, though: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis. Then treat yourself to a free Audible audiobook as a reward. OK, you can have one anyway, for being so well-behaved (and because we receive a bit of lovely money for each of you who has one; let's not be coy about it).
See you next Thursday!
Helen & Olly ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 247 - farcically flaccid
What a surprise the publishers of our book decided not to use this picture! Granted, their usual style of authorial portrait is usually a little more contemplative, a tad more restrained. But they probably thought that to print an image of such timeless, exquisite beauty on the cover of our book would be unfair on all the other books.
Yes. That must have been the reasoning.
To find out why we have unleashed this aesthetics gamechanger, listen to Answer Me This! Episode 247.
Today we discuss:
forked tongues Liv Tyler's tits holiday snaps smoking vs. self-pleasuring Pot Noodles vs. aquariums Armageddon vs. Les Miserables menageries vs. mono-nageries corgis' Christmas Lion Tower Bruce Willis in a space suit and bedroom antics.
Plus: Olly reveals how the Queen helped ~~Kate and Wills~~her dogs to mate; Helen's holiday photo albums all look like this; and Martin the Sound Man ejaculates through his tear ducts, apparently.
As an extension of the final questioneer's bath masturbation query, this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) considers what else you can do in a bath, if said bath is in Las Vegas. Clue: cleanliness is unlikely to be the most immediate concern.
Our immediate concern is, of course, gathering your QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
Pre-finally, do remember to check out Neil Denny interviewing us on Little Atoms podcast. Finally, get yourself a free Audible audiobook now!
Post-finally, farewell until next Thursday,
Helen & Olly ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
Happy Valentine's Day, listeners! We know how you love to celebrate the feast day of the patron saint of plague, epilepsy and bee-keeping, so we've got a wonderful gift for you: A FREE AUDIOBOOK FROM AUDIBLE! Gallivant to answermethispodcast.com/audible right now to get it, then as a warm-up to your many hours of free audio content, listen to half an hour of free audio content, ie Answer Me This! Episode 246.
This week we consider:
the Chinese zodiac the longest queue ever Lemar premium cinema seats stop-motion water baby clothes asexual koalas Mike Leigh vs. Red Dragon Les Miserables vs. Undercover Boss Mary Poppins vs. The Sound of Music Pete Doherty vs. Peter Brame and the point of kissing.
Plus: Olly's going to build his business empire on XXX fortune teller fish, whilst Helen's looking into a range of mouth condoms for slimmers; and Martin the Sound Man is a shrivelled little short tongue man. But at least he's not the only one.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) is further contemplation upon the masterwork of David Sneddon, star of Fame Academy series 1 and AMT245. It's a song which bears many hours, nay months, of interpretation. This week's lesson: what's up with your sleeves, Sneddon?
Instead of whatever Valentine's love token you were planning to give us, please send your QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis. (Although, when we say 'instead', we do mean 'as well as', if the token was heart-shaped boxes of Ferrero Rocher. Keep 'em coming.)
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 245 - space chutney
Hello listeners,
What are the smells that trigger certain feelings or memories for you? Does the scent of a rose transport you back to eating Turkish Delight with your gran? Do exhaust fumes remind you of that trip to Rome where you lost your wallet but gained some minor STDs? Does cider bring back all too vividly that time you puked into your dad's slippers?
Whatever the flavour of your nasal nostalgia, take a big sniff and listen to Answer Me This! Episode 245.
Today we speak of:
Annie Lennox bouquet tossing uniformdating.com the grapevine the cheesy moon the Earl of Grantham's house before he moved into Downton Abbey Arrested Development vs. Arrested Development Phenom sexy dill wedding suits Marvin Gaye: phone engineer DVD/Blu-ray ordering and the lies of David Sneddon.
Also: Olly's not a bad driver, it's just his cursed jumper; Helen is abusing her magnificent brain, by filling it with shitcoms then hitting it with beer bottles; and Martin the Sound Man's impression of Gregg Wallace is uncann~~illy shitt~~y.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) is a question from Ellen in North Carolina about the Tim Tam Explosion. If you're not sure what that is, imagine the Australian version of the Soggy Biscuit Game.
On the subject of sweet things, see the proof of Thorntons icing HERE. But this innocentish fun has a dark side, and we don't just mean 70% cocoa solids dark. As you'll find out in the episode, Thorntons are striking back! Ulp...
Assuming Thorntons haven't shut us down by next week, send us your QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
Byeee!
Helen & Olly ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 244 - waterboarded by Usher
Hey, you! Yes, you - the man with the insecurity about your penis size! How would you like a new app that tells you how yours is the smallest wang in the world, and your ideal condom size is 'Mouse Tail'? Well, colour yourself lucky - because today we tell you how to slim down your self-esteem by up to 100% in Answer Me This! Episode 244.
We also speak of:
carb crimes in Costco gherkins gurkhas Bieber vs. Prince Simon vs. Garfunkel homemade peanut butter dating disappointments life disappointments judgy mums gushers immigration officials the green ink brigade and two thousand and late.
Plus: Olly wants to reclaim the red pen from censorious teachers and proofreaders; Helen makes good bread with her rough unfeminine hands; and Martin the Sound Man is all about the bell curve, laydeez.
Furthermore, if you've ever longed to hear Olly and Martin percussing their way through 'The Boxer' and 'Born To Run', you're quids in! That is, you're willing to expend two quids to get the AMTapp and thus this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android).
Finally! Please send us your QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 243 - romper suit with a bow tie
Good morning listeners,
Today, we set you some coursework. We need you to conduct practical experiments into Thorntons' personalised icing policies, and report the results with illustrative materials. Your challenge is fully explained in Answer Me This! Episode 243, wherein we also contemplate:
Roland Wank elephant gelatine Frankel Milky Way Percy Pig and Pals confectionery counterfeits Game On cutlery rules bow tie rules Monopoly real estate dishwasher doors Rizla+ Bill Bottrell Mr Mars Olympics keyrings Brent Dixon's keychains the mystery of 'Black or White' and onesies.
Plus: Olly admits that he likes to be infantilised, to the surprise of nobody; Helen finds out where to pass 'Go', but nobody gives her £200; and capitalist Martin the Sound Man gets trumped playing Socialist Monopoly.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we discuss Channel 4's Wank Week, which never aired because it was too classy for their schedules.
Don't think you're too classy to send us your QUESTIONS: all are welcome, so email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or leave a voicemail on the Question Line 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly PS Remember, every week you can receive an extra shot of us talking if you listen to BBC 5 Live's Let's Talk About Tech podcast. PPS You can receive numerous extra shots of Martin the Sound Man by seeking out his myriad other podcasts: The Sound of the Ladies podcast, the Brain Train podcast, the Global Lab podcast...
ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 242 - pigeons would be excited by pooing on Tom Cruise
...because pigeons do love to poo. And they get extra points for pooing on Jerry Maguire.
Sorry. Chain of thought. Follow it back to its origin in Answer Me This! Episode 242, in which we also ponder upon:
video podcasts Americana aesthetics semantics shifts of slang filming in central London landmarks Thomas Minton baby photos drawer liners fairground fish 'Word Processor of the Gods' the public consumption of bananas guerrilla movie-making willow pattern and squares.
Plus: Olly wonders why the Black Eyed Peas are so keen to shut things down; Helen hates children who have far better business sense than she has, or ever will have; and Martin the Sound Man thinks an ornamental fence is no obstacle to ardour.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we go more bananas for bananas, except for bananas that are a year old.
We go bananas for your QUESTIONS, so email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
PS It looks like Tom Cruise might also be excited by the pigeon poo too... PPS...if you believe obviously-made-up 'news' stories about obviously-made-up 'beauty' 'treatments'.
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EPISODE 241 - biological bidet
Happy new year, listeners! Behold the first podcast of 2013, Answer Me This! Episode 241. Today we talk of:
Paul Merton manatee poo summer lovin' Jools Holland's personal Portmeirion gingerbread houses vs. Grand Designs the Brand New Heavies birth days car calorie counting Tweet Kate Middleton's trendsetting womb Tulisa's titillating tape Anne Hathaway's minge New Year's purges and timberrrrrrrrr!
Plus: Olly is a bit disappointed by a big fake clock; Helen does not want your gifts, nor does she deserve them; and Martin the Sound Man sets Jay Kay a parsimonious budget so that he can stretch his acid jazz fortune a little further without skimping on treats.
Further to our royal foetus discussion, in this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we deliberate over which royal we'd choose to have a baby with - because if and when that opportunity rises, you do want to have given it proper consideration beforehand. Otherwise you might end up co-parenting with Prince Michael of Kent. Nobody wants that.
What we DO want are QUESTIONS for the new year. Email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
See you next Thursday,
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EPISODE 240 - shampea
Brace yourselves, listeners: in Answer Me This! Episode 240, those two titans of the Northern Hemisphere, Russia and Canada, face off for the bout you've all been waiting for. KABOOM!!!!
Sort of.
This week we speak of:
Andy Warhol's wig podcatchers Russell Brand's dad penis pasta Guinness World Record adjudicators mean mean mother-in-law pleasing your partner's parents the death of Borders holidays with Paul Daniels and poutine vs. Putin.
Plus: you may be surprised to hear that Olly is a one-doughnut Mann; Helen's ex-boyfriend moved the earth for her, literally; and Martin the Sound Man unleashes his inner Sarah Palin. Watch out, world.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) is a question from Sam about Gems TV, that 24/7 diamond of entertainment.
Next week is the first half of the Best of Answer Me This! 2012, but for your chance to appear in the Best of Answer Me This! 2013, send us QUESTIONS for the new year. Email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877* or Skype ID answermethis***.
Also please do try out our other weekly podcasting exploit The Joy of Tech from BBC 5 Live, in which we talk about the week's internet events alongside experts in tech, cars, gaming and other highlights of modern existence.
Laters!
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EPISODE 239 - Reich Krispies
Hi listeners,
So that unfeasibly rich child from Two and a Half Men says you should not watch Two and a Half Men because it is ~~pisspoor~~ FILTH and THE ENEMY'S PLAN.
As usual there's some mild FILTH in Answer Me This! Episode 239. Can't disclose the enemy's plans; you'll have to interpret them yourself when you listen.
Today we consider:
The Queen 4 Harry Styles Australian Xmas chocolate crispy cakes immoral i-spying mums helmets vs. head injuries AMT1-120 vs. THX 1138 Simon Cowell's corruption beleaguered Morrisons mums sweeties from Firebox Oxford Street Marmite lights the Royal Variety Performance Heston's Food Panto wedding politics pants photosynthesis and being microwaved to death.
Plus: Olly blows bubbles out of his bum; Helen calls for tougher gum laws; and Martin the Sound Man is pleased you all seem to like his package.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) is more hot air from Olly, as he recounts how he burped into a stranger's face. Luckily, because Olly couldn't hear it at the time, it DID NOT COUNT.
Your QUESTIONS definitely do count, so please email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
See you next Thursday,
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EPISODE 238 - sweet and sour milk
Happy Thanksgiving, American chums! While you bust a gut on deep-fried turkey and marshmallow-topped yams, perverts that you are, everyone else can get on with listening to Answer Me This! Episode 238, in which we give thanks for such traditional American foods as onion loaf and Big Mac special sauce. We also talk of:
donkey-bagging England at Epcot TGI Friday's onion pole Chico time vs. Hammer time giraffes vs. Tyrannosaurus Reges PSY and Jay Rayner the ~~miracle~~horror of childbirth and drinks with chunks.
Plus: Olly's lack of confidence (and grade D in GCSE French) held him back from pursuing his dream career at Disney; Helen's grammatical tips encourage solipsism; and Martin the Sound Man won't give you any of his blood because he's a wuss when it comes to needles. But not when it comes to albums - his lovely new longplayer The City of Gold and Lead is out tomorrow, so click HERE to obtain your copy, in digital format or fancy hand-made papercut CD package.
There's more food in this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android), as questioneer Ollie asks whether he can gorge himself on raw biscuit batter. And survive.
We would like to gorge ourselves (and survive) on your QUESTIONS, so please email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
See you next Thursday,
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EPISODE 237 - Masters in pig sex
Dear listeners,
Apologies in advance. Today we discuss pig sex twice and it's not even the worst kind of sex to be mentioned in Answer Me This! Episode 237.
We also contemplate:
Werther's caramel-coated bullshit Roger Beckham Kelis's milkshake vs. $0.50's lollipop David Byrne's How Music Works Anne Robinson 60 Minute Martinover the novel companion to Twix's study in duality exploiting the bereaved critical theory ruining everything Mika Watchdog and relationships with relations.
Plus: even a customised Segway won't bring back Olly's childhood joy; Helen will consider being your late mother's marketing consultant, but only for actual MONEY not some old shoes; and click here to see the picture of Martin the Sound Man that brought all the boys to the yard - however do bear in mind that it IS just a picture of a 34-year-old man drinking a strawberry milkshake, nothing special. Martin's new album, on the other hand, is very special - it comes out next week so preorder your copy HERE.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) Helen complains about one of her legion linguistic bugbears: the word 'umami'. Then turns it into a song, in an effort to make her like it better.
You know what we do like a very great deal? No, NOT pig sex; your QUESTIONS. Email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
See you next Thursday,
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EPISODE 236 - like Jurassic Park, but with Romans
Rub-a-dub-dub, two nuns in a tub - but what the blazes are they getting up to in there? Find out in Answer Me This! Episode 236, in which we contemplate:
Roman wine Roman semen flamenco dancing Roger vs. Wilco wet bars vs. dry bars vs. swim-up bars the Moorish influence on Span vs. Frank Muir's influence on Spain polluted peanuts Sarah Palin's password laundry fragranczzzzzzz Pfalz Historical Museum drink options the oldest continuously producing Cabernet Sauvignon vine airport shopping and double disk drives.
Plus: Olly is a bit disappointed by his holiday hotel's drink facilities, in that they did provide kettles but didn't serve drinks through boobs; Helen doesn't think you should trust Password Wallet any more than post-it notes; and Martin the Sound Man is never going to make it as a wedding singer if his set is just 'Heartbeat' four times followed by 'Magic Dance' as encore.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) Olly reminisces about the time he had a wet bar in his student bedroom. People always think wet bars are so ritzy, but the Olly Mann twist on MTV Cribs fanciness can be yours for only £20 from Millets.
We are, as always, agog to receive your QUESTIONS, so please email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
By the way, if you're curious about spiders after today's episode, our pal Jim Bell of Geekpop podcast is your spider man. NB Jim is not Spider-man, he is a normal man who doesn't wear spandex and seems fairly unwracked by angst. He is just very keen on spiders, as his website demonstrates - in an entirely safe-for-work way, we assure you.
Less safe for work is our photo of Olly demonstrating that, like today's questioneer Brad's wife's student, he is the bollocks. Click here to see. Don't be scared - it's much gentler than all that nasty Staplenuts business last year.
Anyway, rest assured, dear listeners, that we think you are all the bollocks. So please bring your beautiful bollocky selves back here next Thursday for AMT237.
Tata!
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EPISODE 235 - good British pizza
YES. There are still a few days left till the polls, so America, put all your support behind one AMTfan's campaign to get Helen's mum to be your president.
Also, everybody everywhere, listen to Answer Me This! Episode 235.
Today we consider:
the phrase 'When in Rome' in-store radio stations Jim Carrey's canine car auto-appendectomies Paul the psychic octopus Daryl Denim supermarket censorship James Bond's eccentric tastes and money-grabbing Methodist missionaries.
Plus: Olly looks into his political crystal ball and sees Condi there; Helen broke a letter chain as a child, so little wonder she is a lonely layabout now; and Martin the Sound Man needs to delete his search history before we all find out why he knows such a lot about horse fluffers.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) we examine how the scandal raging around Jimmy Savile could have devastating effects...upon the cement industry.
If you'd like to see us hold forth about podcasting in front of a very yellow Powerpoint presentation, click here to view the video of our talk at Next Radio. And/or if you would like us to return next week with more AMT, send us QUESTIONS: email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com; leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
See you next Thursday!
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EPISODE 234 - greasy drips
Hello listeners,
With just days to go until Hallowe'en, many of you have been writing to ask what costume you should opt for. Here's our one-size-fits-all solution:
- Wrap yourself in a duvet;
- Go to bed until November 1st.
While you're there, drown out the sound of trick or treaters ringing your doorbell by listening to Answer Me This! Episode 234. Today we consider:
Citizen Kane the classic Charlie's Angels remake Green Jelly (nee Jello) doughnuts vs. douchebags strumpets vs. crumpets Brian May's badger sanctuary William of Orange's pet pugs tribute bands hipster combovers psychoanalysis of Agatha Christie Fratzos: matzos for frat boys Leonardo DiCaprio lookalikes the hard lives of fake Posh'n'Becks Ann Widdecombe the mystery of the Rolling Stones' hair and The Mystery of Hercule Poirot's Pants.
Plus: Olly finally finds a TV show to enjoy when he's alone in business hotels; Helen does not think this is cute, at all; and Martin the Sound Man won't think much of Django Reinhardt impersonators unless they burn off their fingers.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) Olly digs up a big mistake Universal made, back in the day when Mickey Mouse was still just a rabbit, and Norman Bates was still just a motelier.
Make no mistake: we want your QUESTIONS so we can make more episodes of AMT. So email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and/or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
See you next Thursday!
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EPISODE 233 - the birthplace of the Industrial Revolution
We have so much for which to thank the Industrial Revolution. Without it, there would be no devices upon which to listen to podcasts, no podcasts either, and certainly not several minutes of this particular podcast - Answer Me This! Episode 233. Today's lessons cover such subjects as:
wave machines Kanye West's insecurities grog Emma Watson's accent in The Perks of Being a Wallflower Britain's first cast iron bridge vs. Britain's first roundabout Baywatch vs. Fruit-Pickers Salopians vs. fallopians ~~Biggie vs. Tupac~~Elliott vs. Jeff Priscilla Presley vs. an extended cookery segment on This Morning sporks vs. foons Pamela Anderson covered in sticky juice Roman Facebook Hypno-Lipo radio drama's special stationery divas and divos (dive and divi if we're being proper about it) hook-handjobs what happened after the Stolen Soy Milk Scandal of AMT231 and knorks.
Plus: all Olly wants is to read a proper thick issue of Time Out whilst chewing a stick of Orbit; Helen knows all about your fantasy fort made of cardboard boxes; and Martin the Sound Man knows how to keep himself amused when there's only fruit to talk to.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) suggests a money-making scheme for Jon Snow if/when Channel 4 News goes tits-up. We're registering Celebri-Ties now, just in case.
Register your QUESTIONS with us by emailing them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and/or leaving voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis.
See you next Thursday!
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EPISODE 232 - all sorts of vagina shapes
Hello!
Holed up in the Holiday Inn in Salford Quays, we contemplated holding a Bed-In for Peace. But then we realised that if we did, the already oversubscribed lifts would become clogged up with press and peaceniks, leaving all the other hotel guests feeling far from peaceful. So, sorry, peace; we made Answer Me This! Episode 232 instead. Today we consider:
the Virgin Trains slow reveal personal massagers naughty Amazon animal blood donation magic oily fish Les Rosbifs immature students maths vs. emotion cottaging Ping (who?) and the Holiday Inn pillow menu.
Plus: Olly would like to reverse decades of progress in gay rights just so he's got something to read when he's on the loo; Helen is unlikely to renew her wedding vows, unless the magazine deal is lucrative enough; and Martin the Sound Man goes off to have a rest in the rest room. He's a very well-rested man.
Check out this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) if you've been wondering what happened next in the tale of vengeance from AMT231 and/or why your pineapple jelly won't set.
We're relieved to tell you that our Skype problem seems to be fixed, but if you used Skype to ask us a question in August or September, we never got it, so please ask it again by dialling up answermethis. You don't need to worry if you sent a QUESTION via email (answermethispodcast@googlemail.com) or the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877); it's safely swimming around with all the other questions in our question tank.
See you next Thursday!
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EPISODE 231 - I know your secret
Hello listeners,
What we learn this week is that you people are not very good at sharing. Sharing milk. Sharing beds. Sharing in the joy of an imminent birth. But by all means share in the joy of Answer Me This! Episode 231, in which we share thoughts upon such subjects as:
Julius Pringles vs. moustache champions Thor's hammer vs. dress codes baby poo vs. Norwegian cheese Special K vs. Special K drawers full of dead butterflies baby showers ~~of cunts~~ Dr Faustus in the SMS age soy milk and Queen Victoria's wedding.
Plus: Olly thinks that the biggest problem he'll face if his loved ones die is having wasted money on their birthday presents; Helen accepts no responsibility for Prince Philip's bladder trouble; and Martin the Sound Man offers the sophisticated insult to end all sophisticated insults.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) follows the baby shower gift theme to its natural conclusion: death.
Meanwhile, keep AMT alive and well with your QUESTIONS: email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and/or leave voicemails on the Question Line by calling 0208 123 5877. We're relieved to tell you our Skype problem seems to be fixed so answermethis is the ID you need, but if you've used Skype to ask us a question in the last two months, we never got it, so please ask it again. If it was a good one.
See you next Thursday!
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EPISODE 230 - like a Muppet Babies version of the Rolling Stones
Hello listeners,
It's odd that in his ode 'To Autumn', Keats never mentioned amongst the swelling gourds and clammy cells that it is also the time of year where the images of schoolchildren are harvested for posterity in the annual school photos. See above, then while your eyes recover, hear Answer Me This! Episode 230, in which we speak of:
sharing a bedroom Dorian Gray Liz Jones the Meg Ryan Game glamping Olly's friend Chay in a Britney video sleeping arrangements dehumidifiers the Titanic Memorial Cruise grey water vs. black water big baggy clothes vs. Joseph Gordon-Levitt Aaron Paul vs. Aaron Paul court artists Ocean Colour Scene and relationship advice via Neil LaBute.
Plus: Olly has had enough of these mother-fighting ~~snakes~~Daily Mails on this monkey-liking plane; Helen's Kentish childhood was nothing like the latest Wand Erection video (see below); and Martin the Sound Man did not do a William Hague, honest.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (get it for iDevices and Android) involves further discussion of cruises, namely why haven't hipsters taken them up yet. Surely it's only a matter of time, though - after all, nobody ever thought bowler hats or the A10 would ever make a comeback, and look at them both now.
As we said in the show, do share your most memorable birthday in the comments; and as always, share your QUESTIONS by leaving voicemails on the Question Line (Skype answermethis or dial 0208 123 5877) or sending emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Also go here if you want your own Answer Me This! mug. It's so big, you could probably go for a week-long cruise in it.
See you next Thursday!
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EPISODE 229 - the Pubes Fairy
Hello listeners! Refreshed by a month off, we return with an episode bursting with fresh new questions. Well, fresh except for the one about the Spice Girls, which we maintain IS fresh as long as you fell into a coma in the summer of 1996 and only just woke up. If that is your situation, we'll help you catch up on what you missed. We hate to be the ones to break it to you, but Kate Moss and Johnny Depp split up. And things have been awfully quiet on the Meg Mathews front lately.
Everyone else, put Answer Me This! Episode 229 into your ears. Today we discuss:
self-pleasure on the Eurostar the madness of Mel B rave Adele reclining vs. lounging Tom vs. Jerry My Little Eye (mild spoilers! (but the film is ten years old (so that's OK))) Richard III's corpse stomach tombola revisionism of Mammy Two Shoes Too Good to be True keeping the spontaneity in the Soggy Biscuit Game dying for a Wii the equally hateable successors to the BT couple we won't stop hating till BT installs fibre-optic broadband in their joint grave and digestive biscuits.
Plus: Olly is terrified of his own pubes (until they start paying rent for their residence upon his body); Helen's attempt to trick the Tooth Fairy backfired right into her bank balance; and Martin the Sound Man dreams about how, in an alternate universe, Simon and Garfunkel would have replaced 'The Sound of Silence' with the sound of cartoon hammers.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices and Android) is a question from Ginger Paul about toilet attendants, bog butlers, lavatory landlords, ablution assistants - whatever you want to call them, the principle is the same, but what's with all the lollipops? Loo-lipops? Lolli-poops?
Our new series will be running all the way to Christmas, but only if you send us QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (Skype answermethis or dial 0208 123 5877) or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday!
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EPISODE 228 - how many nutcrackers does one man need?
The time has come, dear listeners, for us to pack up our microphones for a month and head off on holiday. But before we go, we tackle some very important questions indeed:
• Should one allow one's allergies interrupt the loss of one's virginity? • What counts as a museum, once and for all? • What IS R Kelly on about?
Discover those answers and more in Answer Me This! Episode 228. We also consider:
Wenlock and Mandeville chocolate hotels fake Rolexes Ralph Lauren's giant horse badges vs. pins dead Elvis vs. dead Lenin Bryan Adams vs. Bryan Adams the Pencil Museum vs. the Yo-yo Museum vs. the Nutcracker Museum Mr T jigsaws necrophilia in Snow White Jason Biggs, his wife, and their craven need for attention Père Lachaise cemetery Olympic memorabilia bizarre B&Bs and sexy Jenga.
Plus: Olly explains a 'reverse American Pie', and no, you won't find it in More! Magazine's 'Position of the Fortnight' archives; Helen's toilet is like Kanye West, and not because he has a pottymouth; and Martin the Sound Man had just about recovered from the disappointment that was Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness when Prometheus came along and crushed his expectations all over again.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App is a question from Jennifer from Pittsburgh about whether being struck by lightning affects your ability to use technology; assuming the after-effects of that old lightning strike allow it, use your iDevices and Android to peruse the app.
Until we return on Thursday 20th September, here are some means of busying yourself:
1. Listen to us on BBC 5 Live, 1-4pm on Monday 27th August, talking about all sorts of fun and diverse listening materials in our special bank holiday show Required Listening. 2. Tune in to Olly on LBC, 20th-24th August between 1-4am. That's right, am. Unless you live in a different time zone and it's a perfectly civilised hour there. 3. Vote for Helen to go to SXSW next year, on a podcasting panel with Jesse Thorn and Roman Mars. 4. Listen to Martin's music. It is much less obscene than him talking. 5. Have a go on our albums, our first 120 episodes, and some other nice podcasts. 6. Concoct QUESTIONS for our next series: leave voicemails on the Question Line (Skype answermethis or dial 0208 123 5877) or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Have a delightful month, and we look forward to reuniting on 20th September.
Helen & Olly
PS Sadly, the Cars of the Stars museum in Keswick closed down last year. But it still lives forever here.
••• Manage your Olympics withdrawal with AMT Sports Day ••• • iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 227 - McSlurry
Hey listeners,
Of course we love hearing about your lives; also when you send us stuff. But this may have gone too far in Answer Me This! Episode 227. Wherein we consider:
Zooey Deschanel holiday money Worcestershire Sauce wanking off vs. jacking off Olympics vs. Eurovision Baron Pierre de Coubertin the sporty Vatican flying horses pasta sauce and a table covered in ice cream.
Plus: Olly doesn't like the look of Joey Potter's chalice nowadays, but back in the 90s he did get a bit Dawson Leary (Dawson Leery, more like); Helen was a financially responsible child - yet another way in which she peaked too early; and Martin the Sound Man recommends keeping your pasta carbonara minimalist, even if you really need a little nipper of booze to get you through.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App iDevices and Android is a question from Joss which reveals Olly's Napoleon Complex. This is concerning trees, not height, seeing as Olly is 6'3" when he stands up straight.
Next week is our last episode before we take a month-long hiatus, so hurry and send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (Skype answermethis or dial 0208 123 5877) or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly ••• The AMT Sports Day: exercise for your ears ••• • iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 226 - the sentimental stain
Guys. Why are you bothering with the London Olympics, when you need to preserve your energy for the year's most important contest? That's right - the British Firework Championships are only days away! And at least one of Team AMT should be looking to start a new career there, as we discover in Answer Me This! Episode 226. Also going off in the episode:
Mass Market Muesli clutch bags for the Third World immersive theatre psychic jurors hipster aprons teacher sadism by proxy Routemaster buses the Penguin Shwopping vs. consumerism Captain Hook vs. Gordon Ramsay us vs. Bob Dylan and 'London's Best Scare Experience 2008-2011'.
Plus: Olly has a damp stinky manbag; Helen errs by bringing actual fruit to the Apple store; and Martin the Sound Man recommends not trying to multitask during sexual activity if you're a novice.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App is a question from Kenny, about whether he was wrong to fuck over his work buddy in order to score a promotion. Is it a fair case of survival of the fittest, or survival of the fuckiest? Find out on iDevices and Android.
You can also find out a whole lot if you listen to the AMT Sports Day. Most of that lot will be about sport, but since the Olympics is currently in full swing, you'd only be having to listen to sports commentators rabbiting on anyway whenever you turn on the television. Us or them, US OR THEM???
It only remains for us to ask you to ask us something: send your QUESTIONS as voicemails to the Question Line (Skype answermethis or dial 0208 123 5877) or as emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
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EPISODE 225 - Let the camel see the canoe
When you woke up this morning, listeners, did you realise this would be the day that Olly revealed how he is in possession of the local equivalent of one of John Wayne Gacy's prison paintings?
Well, it is that day. Assuming you go ahead and listen to Answer Me This! Episode 225 rather than choose to continue living in ignorance. In it we contemplate:
Danny Boyle morality in musicals shouting at children Ramadan for Olympians masks hippie housemates Maroon 5 vs. pole vaulters Chicago vs. Bury St Edmunds Outer Mongolia vs. Darkest Peru Mrs Lovett vs. Wagamama the Phantom of the Opera vs. The Collector Timbuktu what Mein Kampf is missing (aside from a GSOH of course) ostentatious eccentricity ~~nooks and~~ crannies Coinstar Hitler's watercolours and Sesame Snaps.
Plus: climbing upon Nelson's Column, Olly almost exposes his own column; Helen misses the cupboard in which she hid from childhood; and Martin the Sound Man discovers his spirit flower.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available on iDevices and Android) includes the next episode in the series begun by Lauren from Brooklyn in AMT224, 'Is it OK to steal?' In today's thrilling installment, Mike from Crofton Park asks whether he's allowed to steal his broadband package. How can it be stealing when you can't even SEE it, right?
If, like Mike and Lauren, you're tussling with your moral compass - or any other query is bothering you - allow us to solve your problems for you: send your QUESTIONS as voicemails to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
You should click here if you're in the market for a hippie-proof AMT mug, which must be nigh indestructable if it's survived five years in our company. If you want to survive 59 minutes 33 seconds more of our company, please invest in the AMT Sports Day too, because on the eve of the Olympics, it would be impolite not to.
See you next Thursday,
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EPISODE 224 - Socks for Seamen
Hello listeners,
This week, we hint at the reason behind one of the most pressing mysteries of the 1990s. Not what happened to Princess Di, nor what became of Richey Edwards, but why Mick Hucknall decided to hack off his dreadlocks. Discover all in Answer Me This! Episode 224, in which we also consider:
stage kissing business kissing The WI in WWI Great British cheeses Whoopi Goldberg The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo vs. Men Who Hate Women fabric conditioner vs. towels going cold turkey on caffeine Adelaide Hoodless feta and dead landladies.
Plus: Olly wishes to replace his happy childhood with a lot of bonking; Helen launches her campaign for more Wigmore cheese to be made (WigMORE! WigMORE!); and think carefully before accepting Martin the Sound Man's handshake, because you may be getting a whole lot more physical contact than you bargained for.
You can hear more of Martin on the new episode of Getting Better Acquainted podcast; you can hear more of Helen on Jesse Thorn's International Waters; and you can hear more of Olly on this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available on iDevices and Android), in which he wonders how to dispose of a brick of fishy-tasting Norwegian cheese. You can hear more of all of us on the Answer Me This! Sports Day, of course.
We'd love to hear more from you, in the form of QUESTIONS sent as emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or voicemails to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly • iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 223 - Adele is the new Def Leppard
Happy wedding anniversary, Henry VIII! Verily on this day in 1543, he married Catherine Parr, and as they say, sixth time's the charm. According to the Big Book of Weddings, the traditional gift for the 469th anniversary is 'MP3', so here's Answer Me This! Episode 223 for you, you loved-up kids.
Today we contemplate:
speciation bloody Mary pub lighting Def Leppard videos vs. Duran Duran videos Bieber vs. dopamine pride vs. prizes curry house atmosphere crisp etiquette (US translation: potato chip etiquette) farm-themed restaurants sepulchral Hollister and that bitch Tinkerbell.
Plus: Olly is mistaken for someone even lower on the celebrity ladder than he is; Helen breaks the bad news that Cain and Abel were motherjeffers; and Martin the Sound Man has something in common with the Queen, other than his fondness for shiny jewels and waving.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available on iDevices and Android) demonstrates how Martin paid a woman to write his name on her body. For 'charity fundraising', allegedly. Good ruse!
Another good ruse is to send us your QUESTIONS by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving voicemails to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis). More questions, more podcasts, see?
And don't forget to click here to check out our latest album, the Answer Me This! Sports Day - the best 59 minutes and 33 seconds of all-new sporty-talk we have ever produced.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly • iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 222 - crabs' eyes
OK listeners, lots of admin to get through this morning, so pay attention:
- We have a new album out! Click here to learn more about/buy The Answer Me This! Sports Day. Clue: it's all about ~~the Olympics~~ sport.
- We're interviewed on the latest episode of the marvellous podcast Getting Better Acquainted, which you can hear here.
- We're also on Answer Me This! Episode 222, as you might expect.
- If we sound a bit maniacal to you in the episode, it's because of the sugar rushes provided by the AMTfans at Roly's Fudge. Sooooo many sweeties... We'll have a little lie-down while you listen.
Today we consider:
the definitive version of 'Hallelujah' Brighton Pavilion campfire guitar war the Cornwall vs. Devon clotted cream war universally compulsory therapy Disneyland Battersea Giraffe Sir Giles Gilbert Scott Dr Richard Russell's seawater cure energy drinks Emily Woof A Handful of Dust afternoon tea strategy Muse phoning it in and an extremely traumatising image of calamari.
Plus: Olly almost allowed Lynda La Plante to steer his destiny; Helen shares her psyche with the ship from Dark Star; and we discover Martin the Sound Man find crumbs deeply upsetting. He's really too delicate for this cruel world.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App takes the episode's prevailing theme of afternoon tea and heads straight for the cucumber sandwiches. Fire up the iDevices or Android to hear, and if you try the Cucumber Supercrunch Megasandwich, let us know if it is pleasant.
It is definitely pleasant to send us QUESTIONS; please do so by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving voicemails to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly • iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 221 - the money shot
Hello listeners,
We're as surprised as you to discover that Answer Me This! Episode 221 opens with a heated discussion upon the topic, 'What is art?' Check us out with our high brows!
Naturally our brows don't stay high for long; in decreasing order of highfalutingness, we talk about:
Edward Lear double-ended ice cream Tracey Emin Jeremy Deller's teenage parties the Marquis de Sade firefighters bridesmaids pole dancing Charlie Chaplin drowning horribly the pull-out method and Annabel Chong.
Plus: Olly is horrified to discover that there's a boarding school-style communal wanking game that he'd never heard of; Helen knows how to make anything unsexy, using ham; and Martin the Sound Man would like to remind you that you only have a couple of weeks left to enter his Science Songwriter of the Future competition, so make the old man happy because he's got a bad ear this week.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App Helen gives you a great tip for making new friends on late-night public transport, based on her recent encounter with a stranger's pelvis on the Victoria Line. That stranger's pelvis could be all yours, if you avail yourself of the app on iDevices or Android! Don't worry if you're married; the pelvis won't be worrying about that either.
We don't want your pelvises, but we do want your QUESTIONS, so thrust them our way by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving voicemails to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis). As a reward, you may watch the video below of Eleanor from Norwich's pole dancing team going about their totally sexless business.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
EPISODE 220 - I'm with the Tithead party
As AMT devotees, you know that we don't shy away from the most serious questions the human mind can concoct. Remember AMT198 last year, when we boldly tackled "What makes a pie a pie?" Today, in Answer Me This! Episode 220, we broach another foodstuff with an identity crisis - salad. Seriously though, how can this and this and this and this be even nominally related? Pffft.
Anyway, tossed into the conversational salad this week are:
facts about Eugene, Oregon Hamlet, the Madonna of his time Madonna, the sexual bully of her time alternating current vs. direct current dentist chair vs. electric chair Natalie ~~Portman~~ Hershlag French Freemasons William Kemmler Pizza Express rainbow parties Rory Gallagher's guitar and Spin the Bottle.
Plus: Olly impresses the ladies with his great big throbbing veins; Helen discovers that Thomas Edison was a right cnut; and Martin the Sound Man plays coy about his age. Don't worry Martin, you don't look a day under 55.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App is more crap-related than usual, as it features a question from Stephy from Bristol about the point of patterned toilet paper. Along the way we learn upon what Simon Cowell and the Queen probably wipe their bottoms. The rich educational resource that is the Answer Me This! app is available for iDevices or Android, you'll be relieved to know. Relieved. Ho ho ho.
Enough japery for one week; but if you want to listen to more of our japery next week, you are obliged to send us a QUESTION: emails go to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, voicemails to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly • iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 219 - Sky Atlantis
Hi listeners!
We're picking up good vibrations (good, good, good, good vibrations, oooh bop bop, good vibrations) in Answer Me This! Episode 219, thanks to one of our listeners sending us a Groupon offer for Power Plate sessions.
This week we consider:
gratuitous nudity sexy playing cards bomb shelters Sliding Doors, alternative version abetting child criminals Joseph 'Giuseppe' Pinetti Apple Paltrow Martin subtitles Slendertone vs. exercise for cosmonauts and Ceefax.
Plus: Olly believes china shops should tolerate, nay welcome, his unapologetic vandalism; fun-hating Helen eschews murder mystery parties, entertainment at weddings, and jiggling in public; and Martin the Sound Man is still imploring you to enter his competition to be the Science Songwriter of the Future, which sounds a bit like being the artist-in-residence on the International Space Station, but is in fact much more straightforward and does not require you to urinate into a funnel. Although, the prize includes a trip to the Green Man festival, so a funnel might prove more hygienic than a Portaloo.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) recounts some incredible facts about jubilees, such as how they used to lead to famine, and how the Queen was probably wasted on hers. This seems a suitable point to mention that the Answer Me This! Jubilee is at last available to buy on Amazon. You may think it a bit late for Jubilee Fever now, but we've got a £50 bet on the Queen reaching her Platinum Jubilee, so consider the album 15 years ahead of its time rather than two weeks behind.
If you want more AMT next week, send us a QUESTION: emails should be sent to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and voicemails left on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly • iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 218 - shipshape and Bristol fashion
Hi listeners,
There are a lot of really weird stories in the news at the moment - cannibals, dismembered bodies, Octomom doing a porno - but fortunately this week, AMT218 is a largely horror-free zone, in which we discuss:
Today we talk of:
marriage licences the Pitcher and Piano expensive clothes actors' motivation Fifty Shades of Grey vs. The White Hotel vs. Wuthering Heights Mario vs. Lazarus moist Jo Whiley Tinky Winky, live in Luxembourg outlet stores death by giant snail and
.
Plus: Olly doesn't want to get married in Vegas; Helen doesn't want to have to watch embarrassing bodies on Embarrassing Bodies; but Martin the Sound Man DOES want you to enter his science songwriting competition, so click here to find out how to enter before you dash off to your zither-room to compose.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) involves Claudia from Melbourne asking whether you can text the police rather than calling them. With all the cuts to public services, unfortunately the police have had to lay off their full-time team of interpreters waiting to figure out what you mean by HLP pls sum1 tryn2 mrdr me non-LOL srsly >:-O
If you still have proper command over vowels, send us a QUESTION for next week: deliver emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and/or leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).
Also, if you're especially interested in what goes on around here, you can hear us being interviewed on the latest episode of Podcast Squared. We hope that the demystification of our Process doesn't spoil AMT for you. If not, we'll see you back here next Thursday.
Helen & Olly • iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 217 - you don't see Batman with sunburn
Hello listeners,
This week, we face a big, big question: should Singin' In The Rain be BANNED, for flouting the hosepipe ban as the rest of southern England shrivels under drought conditions? Start drafting your petitions whilst you listen to AMT217.
Today we talk of:
child beauty pageants impressing Jeremy Paxman reverse cat psychology sunburnt tattoos Prince Philip's barbecue theatre curtains mortar boards chinos for hipsters milky special effects and the managing director of Little Chef.
Plus: one of Olly's early theatrical productions nearly brought the house down - literally, with fire; Helen recaps her late granny's theory about what really happened to Princess Diana after that fateful night in Paris; and Martin the Sound Man is dissed by Olly for being a professional cleverclogs. Bullying doesn't stop after school, you guys.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) is a question from Tony from Worksop about whether we've ever killed or maimed a celebrity. Look, Tony, the evidence is purely circumstantial. They'll never be able to convict us on it.
While, as a precaution, we book our passage to Rio under false identities, you should get on with sending us your QUESTIONS: send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and/or leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).
Before we go, here are a couple of other things for your entertainment: Helen just appeared on Charlie Brooker's So Wrong It's Right, with Graham Linehan and Matthew Crosby; and Olly's cat Coco should imminently be appearing on Channel 5's Live With Fern Britton. Click here to read the extraordinary correspondence which ensued after last week's show. And since we've almost arrived at Jubilee weekend, treat yourself to the Answer Me This! Jubilee, which is better than the Jubilee proper because you don't have to sit through a whole solo set by Gary Barlow or be jostled for eight hours whilst you wait on the banks of the Thames for a glimpse of the Queen on a boat. Which might be worthwhile, if she does this.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly • iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 216 - dark passenger
Hello listeners,
This week, we wonder at the morals of fairy tales. You know, the stupid underlying 'meaning' that spoils the fun of a far-out fictional confection, and ensures that kiddies absorb some very dubious life lessons. There are probably some very dubious life lessons in AMT216, but at least we're not pretending we have any morals.
Today we contemplate:
round robin letters Keeping Up Appearances Roy Clarke Compo vs. Prometheus basket cases dominatrixes non-alcoholic beer hospital flowers the grape cure governess porn sexy pizza sexy Travis Bickle American Apparel why we don't do shout-outs and the only thing that happens in 31 series of Last of the Summer Wine.
Plus: Olly would like Aesop's Fables to be more like a Choose Your Own Adventure book; Helen is the Sookie Stackhouse of AMT; and Martin the Sound Man gets quite emotional about the tale of the Elves and the Shoemaker. Thankfully he recovered sufficiently to launch a contest for under-18 songwriters, which you can find out about by clicking here.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) is a question from a couple of chaps on their way to Alton Towers. Cue a blast of Mann Rage directed at theme park rides that blatantly used to be other theme park rides. Oh God, why dost thou torment him thus?
What is not a torment is asking us a QUESTION! (Though reading some of them is a torment for us.) Send an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).
And assuming the elves will step in to finish off our chores, we will see you again next week for AMT217.
Helen & Olly • iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 215 - the Richard Gere problem
Hello!
We're really, really sorry, but after listening to Answer Me This! Episode 215, there's a strong chance you will have an LMFAO song stuck in your brain, and it will make you want to stick a straw in your ear, suck that brain out of your head then spit it down the drain. But, hopefully the rest of the podcast doesn't have that effect on you.
Today we mention:
Annie Hall Joey Barton the future of pubic hairstyles Jessie J vs. indifferent radio professionals eating dinner Will.I.Am vs. Simon and Garfunkel 'Party Rock Anthem' vs. 'The Birdie Song' Quentin Crisp Olly's uncle frigid North Hertfordshire the scary Dalai Lama the sexual misuse of animals and the man with the box on his head.
Plus: Olly theorises upon why footballers sport such ridiculous barnets; Helen does not like her toast done on one side; and sadly we don't have video footage of Martin the Sound Man's first ever viewing of 'Sexy and I Know It', but if we did, it would be right up there in the video commentary canon alongside this.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) is a two-course feast of questions: firstly one from Hannah about currywurst, then for pudding a question from Sammy in Falkirk about pineapple. We hope this combination does not give your ears indigestion.
If you want more ear-food next week, please send us a QUESTION: deliver emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly • iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 214 - block and unfollow...in life.
Hello listeners,
This week, we learn that AMT is the name of a legal high. Seeing as legal highs are usually just brain-liquifying chemical syntheses that haven't been made illegal yet, we cannot recommend trying it. We can, however, recommend AMT214, which is fully legal and will only have mildly detrimental effects upon your brain.
Today we contemplate:
facial fuzz as feminist issue The Beggar's Opera Ziggy Stardust 'club dancing' crowd control Häagen-Dazs vs. Cadbury's Flake death by tinned peaches Kodak's adventures in weapon development Forgetting Sarah Marshall transposed to Durham stuffed vine leaves a night of creamy indulgence and watching Alien stoned.
Plus: Olly doesn't think Mila Kunis should be doing a desk job, even in these times of scarce employment; Helen wonders what Kim Kardashian would look like without the intervention of depilators; and Martin the Sound Man can pronounce 'cyanoacrylate', because he speaks industrial adhesive fluently.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) goes further than today's question about Downing Street and wonders what is behind the famous door of Number 10. According to Olly, it is our nation's leaders attending to their itchy arses.
If your own itchy arse ever allows you to use your hands for something else for a moment, use them to send us a QUESTION, either by writing an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or picking up the phone and leaving a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).
And finally: if we've ever made anyone puke through the podcast, we would like to take this opportunity to apologise.
See you next week!
Helen & Olly • iTUNES • ALBUMS • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ • iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH
EPISODE 213 - the gastronomic Human Centipede 2
¡Hola!
There's been a lot of talk of Mexican food lately on Answer Me This!. We make no apologies for this. It is a magnificent cuisine. Episode 213 continues the theme, as we chomp on the history of nachos; now chomp on the episode, in which other topics of the day include:
joke thieves Issey Miyake the premiere of HMS Pinafore Arab Strap vs. The Boy With the Arab Strap police on horseback vs. police on stilts tortillas vs. tortilla chips the Edinbugh Tattoo vs. Edinburgh tattoos. D'Oyly Carte air shows and saving Greece with yoghurt-based tourism.
Plus: Olly apparently spends a lot of time looking at horses' privates; Helen concocts an unusual analogy for Oliver Cromwell and the, er, Roundheads; and Martin the Sound Man somehow enjoys the company of this dickhead, who is likely to be cited as the co-respondent when Helen files the divorce papers.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) is a question from Harriet in York, concerning the self-replicating Magnum Infinity. Soon to be rebranded the Magnum Metaphor after an investigation by the Advertising Standards Authority.
There is additional noise for you to enjoy this week courtesy of Martin and the FIFTIETH episode of his Sound of the Ladies podcast. It's a song about bears or Creation Records or something - click here to check it out.
Then, formulate a QUESTION and send it to us, as a voicemail to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) or an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next week!
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EPISODE 212 - celestial ladder
The unofficial theme of Answer Me This! Episode 212 is arousal. The arousal of certain men (it is usually men) by Viagra. The arousal of certain women (it is usually women) by Agas. The arousal of passers-by by joggers' firm buttocks. Prepare for frissons aplenty.
Other topics include:
stoned crows Alfred Hitchcock's Rope glutes Eric Stoltz synchronised swimming glorious Technicolor eclectic Ang Lee Prezzo vs. Pizza Express vs. Zizzi vs. Strada the leggera option vs. Kylie Minogue's young head Damien Hirst Nancy Travis fake drunk texting Pre-Batman saunas for food Susie Dent and the hot dog-stuffed pizza crust.
Plus: Olly pretends he's glad he spent his teenage years yearning after girls rather than actually getting to touch one; Helen manages to draw parallels between School of Rock and Before Sunrise; and after hearing the Aga was invented by a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Martin the Sound Man sharpens his pencil and begins designing the next aspirational kitchen machine. Start saving up for his £3000 cast iron dishwasher, available soon in a range of Boden-compatible colours.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) concerns the distinction between The Hunger Games and Man Versus Food. It's pretty simple, really: Adam Richman is Katniss Everdeen, and the giant burritos and twenty-egg omelettes represent the tributes from the other districts. It's all very deep and meaningful, actually.
Don't neglect to send us all your deep and/or meaningful QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) and emails at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next week!
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EPISODE 211 - do you want finalisation?
Hello again, hello!
There may be a drought across much of England, but the podcast drought is OVER. For we have returned from our break, and Answer Me This! Episode 211.
We talk upon such subjects as:
the Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players Las Vegas for squares those cool Chinese takeaway cartons piratical weddings theme bars crazy neighbours wash vs. pre-wash three-pin vs. two-pin Ludwig Müller vs. Ludwig Müller Nazi spectacles and sexy bumblebees.
Plus: with his usual acumen, Olly proposes how to transform a psychotic neighbour problem into a business opportunity; Helen's parents are being very thrifty with the internet, so that the IP addresses don't all run out on their account; and we should clarify that Martin the Sound Man's former job, which he describes as 'making a man with a tube up his penis laugh', was in the field of medical physics, not stand-up comedy for catheter fetishists.
Because one pot is never enough, there's also more about Müller Yogurt on this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android), including their contribution to West Midlands athleticism, and their retrograde marketing wheezes. They might be 116 years old, but they've still got it.
If you haven't already, please do take a punt on our Top 20 (!!) album, The Answer Me This! Jubilee, comprised of fifty-seven minutes of all-new material in anticipation of the Queen's jubblies. You can also hear us on the latest episode of Ewan Spence's ESC Insight podcast - no, that's not ESC as in the Electrical Safety Council or the Essex Skating Club, but the Eurovision Song Contest. Click here to listen, and hear how we rated some of the songs vying for Eurovisionary Glory this year.
After all that, do remember to send us your QUESTIONS with which we will fuel this new series of AMT: aim voicemails at the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) and emails at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next week!
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EPISODE 210 - sex bomb
Although we've come To the end of the ~~road~~ current series, Still we can't let go - because we'll be back on 19th April with yet more Answer Me This!. So long and adieu, here is Episode 210.
Today we ponder:
the Angel of the North Pet Sounds sham marriage a different type of big bird Tom Jones Mel Blanc emotions vs. money Matt Willis vs. televisions Alice Cooper vs. vending machines Jesus vs. Spongebob Squarepants Father Christmas on film Trafalgar Square's fourth plinth and Abraham Lincoln.
Plus: we learn the one place where Olly actually keeps quiet; Helen whips 'em out for SPRIIIIIINNNG BREEEEAAAK!; and Martin the Sound Man puts a price on his hand in marriage. But you might as well barter him down to something more realistic, like £20 and a Chocolate Orange.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) is a question from Celeste from Elephant and Castle about whether you can sell your house without the intervention of an estate agent. Of course you can! But, before you ask, you are probably better off not performing your own laser eye surgery.
There is more to listen to during our absence, because by royal appointment (not really) we've released the Answer Me This! Jubilee, a 57-minute romp through the massive numbers of questions you lot send us about Her Maj and the like. Click here to get it.
Don't forget us while we're away: keep sending your QUESTIONS, as voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) and emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you on 19th April!
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EPISODE 209 - the William the Conqueror Suite
Hello, beloved listeners,
It is the 75th birthday of Maltesers, so in Answer Me This! Episode 209 we're celebrating by berating their current advertising campaign for being sexist. Although we similarly spent Grandad's 75th birthday party berating him for his unreconstructed chauvinism. Can't trust these septuagenarians to say the right things.
On the agenda this week:
Trojans buskers aerated foods Debra Winger Stephen Fry's cab organ donation pink newspapers Boots Christian barbecues Arne Jacobsen's arse and hearses.
Plus: Olly lets yet another brilliant enterprise go to waste, but there's nothing stopping any one of you future billionaires taking it onto Dragon's Den; Helen finds the world's best busker - catch him before he goes up in flames; and Martin the Sound Man may be a science whiz, but even he can't get his macaro(o)ns to work.
It's quite a literal Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) this week, as we address a question from Volker from Germany who likes to enjoy himself in the workplace lavvies after lights out. And if this, plus the final question of the episode about WCs, has ramped up your curiosity about matters lavatorial, our video masterwork upon the subject can be viewed at the bottom of this post.
We're also moonlighting on episode 7 of Ian Collins Wants a Word, the new podcast by star of AMT149 Ian Collins. Click here to get a dose of it.
Next week will be our last episode before we go on a little holiday, so hurry to send in your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) and email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. We've got a bit of a treat for you while we're on our break, though, so be sure to join us for AMT210 to discover what that is. A packet of Maltesers each? NO. Not until those tasty little bastards start treating us all as EQUALS.
See you next Thursday,
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EPISODE 208 - singing from the same spreadsheet
Batten down the hatches, Team AMT; today Planet Earth is being lashed by the most violent solar storm in years. Unlike the usual sort of storm, it won't knock the flowerpots off the windowsill or ruin your laundry on the line, but it MIGHT interfere with communications systems, including the internet. So hurry hurry hurry to download Answer Me This! Episode 208, then listen to it whilst you board up your windows and dust off your emergency canned foods.
This week we consider:
mermaid menstruation ladybird literature the Cranberries' comeback partying at Heathrow Airport the Earl of Sandwich and the Earl of Sandwich joint bank accounts The Wizard of Oz vs. Return to Oz Muppets vs. puppets Soo vs. Anne Robinson Catholics vs. farmers grease-free cribbage Tik-Tok (the character, NOT the K€sha song) toothpaste kitsch Big Bird busybody and ET's hands.
Plus: Olly would like the USA to know that burgers≠sandwiches; Helen's unlikely to be going on a dirty weekend to Blackpool, and not just because when the wife's away, Martin the Sound Man will play. With toilet paper.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) concerns Olly's gorgeous teeth, both real and artificial. You'd never guess which are which!
Give all of us something to chew on by sending in your QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis). Chomp chomp chomp.
See you next Thursday,
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EPISODE 207 - little Starbucks addicts of the future
Dear Team AMT,
Saint David, you've been lucky to have your own Day for so long, but it's time to move over, because you know what March 1st is? JUSTIN BIEBER'S 18th BIRTHDAY! His song has more than 700m views on YouTube; how many people saw your 'greatest' miracle? Which was what, again? Oh, yes - you created a new hill. In Wales. You managed to find the only bit of Wales that wasn't already a hill, and turned it into a sodding HILL! Now the monks don't have a flat cricket pitch! Thanks a bloody bunch. Sit the heck down, and don't even dare complain while they turn your charming cathedral into a bouncy castle for Justin to play in on his Bieberthday.
Also happening today: Answer Me This! Episode 207.
Today we talk about:
Gabrielle's eye continuity announcers cold feet Fabio Fabio (and Grooverider) Trafalgar Square dead Kes Boris Johnson's whiff-whaff appeasing the Naiads box office flops empathy vs. efficiency babyccino Butlins Redcoats defensive Renny Harlin and the latest shot of pure evil from Will.I.Am.
Plus: Olly has a Celebrity Row over the controversial revamped Clissold Park cafe; Helen has a split personality, if the Myers-Briggs test is anything to go by; and Martin the Sound Man is the Voice of the Yoof, much to the sorrow of the Yoof themselves.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) is concerned with the plight of Ben from Durham, who has lost an eyebrow. Wax in haste, repent at leisure, as my grandmother never had to say because nobody would EVER have been so foolish in her day.
We always want your QUESTIONS, and this week is no different: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).
See you next Thursday,
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EPISODE 206 with special guest Jackie Mason Answer Me This! Episode 206 is an exciting one, because we're joined by legendary comedian and erstwhile rabbi Jackie Mason!
We snuck backstage to talk to him at the Wyndhams Theatre, where he's performing his farewell show Fearless - click here to find out more about it and buy tickets - and we learned many things: real people are better to watch than Caddyshack II; Lucozade has yet to break America; and Madonna is a sick person (well, we did have an inkling of that already).
Before you get to hear Jackie, though, you have to listen to us waffling on as usual, about such matters as:
legless frogs the legal smoking age limit litotes sex vs. Buckaroo Roman numerals Snog Marry Avoid? proxy servers and heirloom gobstoppers.
Plus: Olly exposes The Artist complainers as FRAUDS; Helen's inner Russell Brand is unleashed; and before you ask, the reason Martin the Sound Man didn't come with us to meet Jackie Mason is NOT because no goys were allowed, but because he had to go to work! Science waits for no man.
There's more Jackie in this week's Bit of Crap on the App, where he holds forth upon the upcoming US election and Harry Redknapp's dog, so fire up your iDevices or Android.
AMT is back to its normal guestless state next week, but we're not alone so long as we have your QUESTIONS; so leave a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) or send an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
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EPISODE 205 - represent for all the men with tiny cocks!
So many wangs in Answer Me This! Episode 205. Big ones. Little ones. Extended ones. Stone ones. Religious ones. Cold ones. Coal-fired ones...
Taking our minds off wangs for a moment, we also consider:
Cillian Murphy in Batman Jock Kinneir and Margaret Calvert cemetery etiquette snowman conformity scarecrows steam-power phallus-power naked shame vibrators for health Akzidenz-Grotesk prudes vs. exhibitionists traffic lights vs. policemen and pirated story tapes.
Plus: Olly doesn't pull in Pret A Manger; Helen explains why Death By Vagina was a pretty unavoidable option for the sexually active Victorian lady; and Martin the Sound Man strips off at festivals, because he likes to evoke the bacchanalia of Burning Man all over the place. Or, rather, because he wants to go on the waterslides.
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android), Olly explains how he could have prevented a decade of war, had the pull of literature not been too strong.
Next week, all going according to plan, we will be joined by a special guest: legendary comedian Jackie Mason! So send us QUESTIONS for him, marked 'For Jackie': email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).
See you next Thursday,
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EPISODE 204 - lie back and think of England
Happy 200th birthday, Charles Dickens! We hope you had a super party at the Retirement Home for Victorian Novelists. William Thackeray ordered in the cupcakes, Anthony Trollope bought a keg, and Henry James cooked up a batch of his Special Brownies. We'll just leave Answer Me This! Episode 204 on the gift table, along with:
noodle birdsnests vs. tortilla salad bowls Harold Raymond accidental sexting L!VE TV's weather reports real fake ID Nicki Chapman quiche who? the perilous life aboard the This Morning floating map foot fortune-telling (footune-telling?) book tokens Lady Hillingdon and Gloria Hunniford.
Plus: Olly narrowly escapes Death by Chicken Kiev; Helen had peculiar taste in men for a 13-year-old; and Martin the Sound Man compares feminine sexual moisture to Cadbury's Creme Eggs. Women don't have YOLKS, Martin!
In this week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android), Olly explains that as a teenager, he didn't get a fake ID: he invented a whole fake identity. Will the real Olly Mann please stand up? OK, sit down, you look exactly like the fake one.
As every week, we want your QUESTIONS: deliver them as voicemails to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) or as emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you next Thursday,
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EPISODE 203 - you might see a cox
Hey, it's Groundhog Day! The day where a large rodent prognosticates the weather, and also the day when Answer Me This! Episode 203 enters the world.
Hey, it's Groundhog Day! The day where a large rodent prognosticates the weather, and also the day when Answer Me This! Episode 203 enters the world.
Hey, it's Groundhog Day! The day where a large rodent prognosticates the weather, and also the day when Answer Me This! Episode 203 enters the w- OK, I'm bored of this joke now. On with the show, in which we talk about:
we talk about:
cats up trees hemp seeds iTunes Ping (anyone? Anyone?) 'Affirmation' vs. Baz Luhrmann vs. 'If' gamekeepers too much texting Mark Zuckerberg's businesswear Cowboys and Aliens national stereotypes lessons in love from Sleepless in Seattle and the hat that won the West.
Plus: Olly explains the reason for the famous British ~~emotional stuntedness~~stiff upper lip; Helen says "Nooooooooooo!" to apple eugenics; and Martin the Sound Man generously doles out songwriting tips to Savage Garden. If you want to hear what makes Martin such an authority on the topic, direct yourself to his latest music output HERE.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) is a question from Alex from Northampton about calorie-counting bores. Talking about calorie-counting makes you put ON weight, dullards!
Thankfully you lot are the opposite of dullards, if your QUESTIONS are anything to go by: send those to us as voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) or as emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. No questions, no show! We're not too polite to resort to blackmail.
See you next Thursday,
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EPISODE 202 - this is a rock'n'roll gig, not some sort of egg party
Hello chums,
You'll be relieved to hear that according to (not very respected) scientists, January 23rd was officially the most depressing day of 2012 - which means it's onwards and upwards from here! Hooray. We're not sure where Answer Me This! Episode 202 fits on that graph, but here you go anyway.
Today we consider:
novelty flavoured Coke presumptuous Baptists St Patrick'n'St Bridget Britney'n'Kevin Teddy Boys oshiburi the Elgin Marbles Andy McNab white tie and tails the stork Jack Nicholson and @.
Plus: Olly is a staunch traditionalist when it comes to marriage (despite being, at the same time, staunchly anti-marriage); Helen guesses what Andy McNab's mysterious face really looks like; and Martin the Sound Man mounts an impassioned defence of the underscore.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) finds Olly SHOCKED and APPALLED by his beloved Disney, because he discovered Mickey Mouse is a secret smoker. Call the tabloids!
Once you've done that, please call/email/Skype us, with your QUESTIONS: answermethispodcast@googlemail.com; Question Line 0208 123 5877; Skype answermethis. You must know what to do by now.
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EPISODE 201 - House is called 'Maison' in France
Hello listeners!
Welcome to Answer Me This! Episode 201: the first episode of the year, and the first since the podcast turned five years old. Helen's niece Matilda turned five the other day too; she celebrated by eating a plate of spaghetti with her hands, and we're only moderately more civilised.
Today we speak of:
cake pops Al Capone moon plots The Gun Seller (or should we say Le Gun Seller?) pease pudding Catch-22 Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie supermarket trolleys Ready Steady Cook pushy parents the North Wales Police and Anthony Worrall Thompson.
Plus: Olly harks back to when he won an election - he claims democratically, but then so did Putin; one day, Helen dreamed a dream of becoming Brian Turner, but never did it come to pass; and after twelve and a half years in the dark, Martin the Sound Man finally hears the sad news that the Two Fat Ladies will not be returning to his television screen.
This week's Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) concerns the only thing we don't like about Mexican restaurants: the unwelcome phenomenon we like to call 'Guac Tax'.
Well, that's the new series begun, but please help us make it an absolute corker by sending us your exquisitely finely-honed QUESTIONS, as emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis).
Also, if you want to be moved to tears of derision like John, the final caller in the episode, scroll down to the bottom of this post to see the pictures of our parents (oh alright, Olly's lovely mum).
See you next Thursday,
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