Ex-it Strategy: Recent Episodes
New Direction Family Law Firm
Your no bullsh$t guide to divorce with experienced attorneys from New Direction Family Law and guests and professionals who have been there. Unfiltered discussions to help you move from victim to victorious and from bitter to better.
The episode's topic is the serious implications of violating a court order, specifically in the context of family law.
Violating Court Orders:
- Discuss common ways people violate court orders, including not following custody or child support orders.
- An explanation is that judges are not pleased with non-compliance and the importance of settling cases to have a say in the outcome.
- Once a judge gives an order, it must be followed. Even if one has a custody order, law enforcement may not get involved.
Remedies for Violation:
- If one is constantly late for exchanges or violates the order in other ways, the remedy often starts with contacting an attorney.
- Options include contacting the other party's attorney to resolve the issue without court intervention.
- If resolution is not possible, filing a motion for an order to show cause and motion for contempt is the next step.
Repercussions and Types of Contempt:
- Courts have a wide range of repercussions. Two types of contempt are discussed: civil and criminal.
- Civil contempt can lead to jail until compliance is achieved, and criminal contempt is seen as punishment.
- Discussion on the power of judges to modify custody or support orders and the likelihood of immediate payment once jailed.
Understanding Court Orders:
- Importance of having an order in place and the challenges if there's no signed order in the court file.
- Frustration when parties continue to do as they please without a signed order and the limits of what attorneys can do in such cases.
Criteria for Contempt and Costs:
- Trivial violations like being 15 minutes late may not be enough for contempt.
- The financial aspect of filing another motion and going to court is highlighted.
You don't want to start the beginning of the end conflicted. So when possible be kind.
Discussion About Guests and Support:
- Mention guests who have supported people during a divorce.
- Emphasizing the need for support for those who have been through divorce.
Introduction of Tracey Stracener with Simply Thrive Therapeutic Associates:
- Discussion about her role in supporting people through divorce.
- Introducing the topic: telling your spouse that you want to leave.
Tracey Speaks About Her Practice:
- Overview of working at Simply Thrive Therapeutic Associates, focusing on trauma therapy.
- Discussing the trauma involved in asking for a divorce and the delicate nature of the subject.
- Emphasizes her love for working with women and her approach to therapy.
Discussion on Therapy and Moving Forward:
- Tracey details her work with individuals, couples, and families.
- The hosts and Tracey discuss the theme of moving forward.
Navigating the Emotional Aspect of Divorce:
- Discussion on how to handle telling a spouse about wanting a divorce.
- Consideration of keeping secrets and preparing for the other person's reaction.
- Discussion about taking various individual responses to a divorce request.
Dealing with Narcissistic Personalities:
- Reflection on encountering narcissistic personalities in their line of work.
- Contemplating how to approach a conversation with someone with a narcissistic personality.
- Introduction
- Elizabeth Stevenson and Sarah introduced themselves from New Direction, Family Law.
- They discuss their passion for trash-talking and telemetry.
- Main Topic: Rich People's Divorces
- The topic concerns divorces, specifically among the rich, covering issues like child support, custody, and property.
- More money is involved, but issues are similar to average divorces.
- Kevin Costner's Divorce Drama
- Focusing on the Kevin Costner divorce drama from his longtime wife, who married in 2004.
- Discussion of a prenuptial agreement.
- Elizabeth and Sarah role-play representing wife and husband, respectively.
- Property Issues
- Fifty-eight thousand square feet property with various amenities discussed.
- They are debating over property rights and why the wife has to leave.
- The property includes the main house, fishing lodge, guest house, baseball field, etc.
- Child Support and Prenup
- Child support amount: around $129,000 a month.
- Prenup required Kevin Costner to pay $1.4 million to his wife.
- Concerns about how long she can survive on that sum.
- Humorous discussion on dividing up pots and pans in the divorce.
- Caretakers and House Maintenance
- Discussions about the extensive care required for the property.
- The debate over environmental issues and large houses.
- Legal Considerations
- Discussion on prenup legality and limitations regarding child support.
- The hosts mention the surprise at the large child support order in this case.
- Overall Tone
- A mix of serious legal insights and lighthearted banter about celebrity lifestyles and legal proceedings related to divorce.
Guest: Adam Hopler, an Estate Attorney from the firm Hopler, Wilms, & Hanna PLLC.
- Adam shares about his personal background, including his experience of practicing law in Durham for 12 years and being a father to six kids.
- Discussion about the intersection of family law and estate planning: how divorce and separation can impact one's estate and the importance of consultation with estate attorneys.
- The podcast addresses certain scenarios where it becomes essential to speak with an estate attorney, such as in cases of separations involving substantial estates or closely held businesses.
- Adam elaborates on how estate planning isn't just about the individual but also about those around them, who may end up dealing with the consequences of inadequate planning.
- Discussion on the need for life insurance and how it's meant to cover debts so that dependents don't have to.
- The podcast addresses the importance of revisiting estate plans periodically due to life changes and gives an example of how the pandemic has accelerated these changes for many.
- Adam talks about the significance of beneficiary designations and shares an anecdote from his law school days.
- Discussion about what happens if a person dies without a will, or 'intestate', in North Carolina, with particular emphasis on the role of a spouse and children in the division of the estate.
- The hosts conclude with a discussion on the importance of estate planning, even in complex family situations, such as split families, and during periods of separation before divorce is finalized.
Note: For expert advice tailored to your specific circumstances, it is always recommended to consult with a certified legal professional in your area.
Guest: LINDSEY OHLER, PSY.D.
- Introduction:
Hosts Elizabeth Stevenson and Sarah Hink from New Direction Family Law invite Dr. Lindsay Oler to discuss a critical topic - how to approach the conversation about separation and divorce with children. - The Emotional Impact of Divorce on Children:
Dr. Oler emphasizes the profound emotional effects of divorce on children, comparing the experience to grief. She highlights the need for care and gentleness while discussing separation with children, regardless of age. - The Perceptive Nature of Children:
Discussing how even if parents try to shield their children from their disputes, children are intuitive and often sense that something is wrong. - Breaking the News as a United Front:
Dr. Oler recommends both parents be present when informing children about the divorce. This provides a united front and reassures the child. - Approaching Different Age Groups:
The conversation varies based on the child's age. For a two-year-old, keep the explanation simple. For older kids, explain the logistics of the new living arrangements without delving into the details of the separation. - Creating Comfort in New Spaces:
Encourage children to participate in creating their new spaces in separate homes. This could include choosing room colors or selecting mementos from their previous home. - Discussing Divorce with Teenagers:
Teenagers, who tend to pick sides, balance their time with parents and friends. Parents must maintain control of their emotions during the conversation, provide reassurance, and refrain from oversharing details of the divorce. - Protecting Sensitive Information:
Parents must secure any divorce-related documents (both hard copies and electronic) to prevent their children from stumbling upon them and causing potential distress. - Effect on Adult Children:
Even adult children might struggle with their parent's divorce, questioning their relationships and family identity. - Therapy for Children:
Therapy could benefit children as young as three, helping them navigate the emotional turbulence during a divorce.
Stay tuned for more episodes as we navigate the complexities of family law together.
In this episode
- Why do you have to pay for an initial consultation. This is the reserved time for you to sit with your attorney to get a snapshot of what's going on and answer your questions, educate you of your legal rights and options, and help you develop your plan moving forward.
- You will be listened to and not "talked-at."
- Make sure you tell us all the facts, we are not biased or judgmental. We want to help you.
- Really what an initial consultation boils down to is information gathering.
- It is an extremely comprehensive consultation.
- If you do a consultation does that mean we are your attorney? No. It does conflict us out from representing your opposing party.
- If I found an online template that is much cheaper, why should I hire an attorney? We discuss this mentality.
- We talk about how legal fees work, what a retainer is, and how an attorney bills for their time.
- We define what an hourly rate is from your attorney's perspective.
- Can the opposing party pay for your initial retainer?
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free, and you'll never miss an episode. And if you like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In this episode
- Let's take a relatively simple case where you have temporary custody and support hearing that is limited to two hours with two issues. It will likely take your attorneys four to six hours to prepare.
- We walk through some common outcomes for time spent in court in various situations.
- All the judge has to go on, often times is the credibility of the testimony of those on the stand. So freezing up or not representing yourself well can be very costly.
- We talk about the sad fact that "people lie all the time."
- In our experience it never goes as you plan.
- A lot of people don't understand that your attorneys are timed in court and the time needs to be spent on issues that can effect the outcome, not just the issues that have upset you personally.
- Post separation support is difficult to settle because there is no equation like there is in child support.
- We talk about the efficacy of mediation and why we love it.
- If one person has more money than their spouse, it can be sad reality that they can literate their spouse until they're broke. It is sad, but it does happen.
- If someone offers you mediation you should attempt it in good faith.
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free, and you'll never miss an episode. And if you like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In this episode
- We discuss what is happening in celebrity news in the case of Adam Levine. Has he cheated in the eyes of the law?
- From Adam Levine "I used poor judgment in speaking with anyone other than my wife in any kind of flirtatious ma manner, I did not have an affair. Nevertheless, I crossed the line during a regrettable period in my life. In certain instances, it became inappropriate. I have addressed that and taken proactive steps to remedy this with my family."
- North Carolina is a no fault state, so whether or not someone cheated is not necessary for a divorce in our state.
- We talk about what constitutes as illicit sexual behavior in North Carolina and what it effects legally.
- What do attorneys and judges look for in proving alienation of affection?
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free, and you'll never miss an episode. And if you like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In this episode
- The idea around parental alienation is that one parent is doing things to alienate their child from the other parent. It could be saying bad things about the other parent, not allowing communication, restricting access, etc.
- Richard Gardner was the first one to coin this term. Here are a couple of facts about him:
- He had no research experience.
- It was based on nothing but clinical opinion.
- He was a part-time clinical professor as a psychoanalyst.
- And it was horrible.
- It was very misogynistic.
- He would always say 90% of the time, it was mothers alienating a father.
- Some examples of parental alienating; Telling false stories about the parent, telling negative stories, not communicating with the parent with the other parent, and not allowing access. Inflexible, Pretty restricting, acting like the other parent is dangerous, portraying them as difficult or scary to the child. These are all things that can do damage to a child's relationship with that parent.
- The cases most strongly presented to the court are when there's actual physical withholding of the children. Everyone asks at what point can the child decide they don't want to go in the visit, and it's not going to matter. There is no actual age that a child can determine if they want to go in for a visit.
- Do we talk about the effects on the children of this behavior by their parents?
- Do we talk about what tips would you give the other non-alienating parent?
- If you could manage to tell good stories, boost their image, be flexible, promote access, and promote that relationship, your child benefits from that relationship. If you damage that relationship, you are hurting your child. Parental alienation, when it's severe, is considered child abuse.
- Most of the time, both parents share some responsibility for this. Maybe one parent is doing a lot of the alienating behaviors, but the other parent might be doing some as well.
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free, and you'll never miss an episode. And if you like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In this episode
- Meredith Pope is a realtor with Inhabit Real Estate. And Christina Jasper is a mortgage lender and the branch manager at Benchmark Mortgage.
- They both specialize in helping people going through divorce and separation work and helping people decide what they're gonna do with their house? Who's gonna keep it, and how are we gonna finance it?
- A lot of times, the house is the biggest asset or cash asset. They may have some retirement or something, but that's all people many going through divorce have to divide.
- Christina and Meredith explain that it is possible for you to make a stable financial plan when you've had to take care of the kids for five years or have a lower-paying job.
- Rental prices are going up. This is the best time for those folks actually because the market is cooling off a little bit, and there are more opportunities now than there were even a couple of months ago.
- They explain that communication should be separate because there are so many opportunities to disagree. Meredith, and people like her, can serve as that much-needed mediation.
- Christina and Meredith recommend resolving the financial issues, contract, and separation agreement first and THEN putting custody or custody and child support in a court order because you can modify those in the future.
- One reason they love their job is seeing their clients making individual decisions when they're used to making joint decisions. They go from not knowing which end is up to empowered individuals capable of making it on their own.
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free, and you'll never miss an episode. And if you really like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In this episode
- Kelli declared at eight years old that she wanted to be an attorney. Her caring and compassionate nature, and her passion for advocating for children, led her to the practice of family law.
- Kelli seeks to help families through some of the most difficult times in their lives while keeping the best interest of the children and her clients at the forefront when advocating on their behalf.
- Kelli is originally from South Carolina but enjoyed her undergrad years in the mountains of North Carolina at Western Carolina University where she majored in Business Law. After graduation, Kelli headed west to the University of Tulsa College of Law where she worked on her first family law cases as a student with the Boesche Legal Clinic, and later as a Licensed Legal Intern at a family law firm. Kelli was admitted to practice in Florida and began her legal career with Children’s Legal Services of the Florida Department of Children and Families, advocating for abused and neglected children. Kelli and her family relocated back to North Carolina in 2009 and refocused her practice on serving families here in the triangle area.
- When not assisting clients, Kelli serves as a volunteer Guardian ad Litem with District 11, being the voice of children who are abused, neglected, or dependent. As a board member of the Cleveland Area Backpack Buddies, she is privileged to work with an outstanding group of volunteers and area elementary schools to alleviate the needs of food-insecure children and families in her community. At the heart of all Kelli does, are her four daughters. She and her husband enjoy cheering them on in all that they do and spending time together as a family.
- We discuss what to expect when you first reach out to a lawyer. It's important to remember that you can turn back, it doesn't mean you have to get separated or divorced but you can get all the info you need to make an informed decision.
- Often times people see us after getting separated and don't have the benefit of the advice we could have offered before taking some actions.
- We discuss the importance of not just googling for information or relying on what a friend learned from their divorce because the information may get lost in translation or not be applicable to your case.
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free and you'll never miss an episode. And if you really like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In this episode
- Tasha Sullivan, MSW – Senior Director of Domestic Violence Services talks about what InterAct is and how it can help people who find themselves in an abusive relationship.
- InterAct is the only provider of domestic violence and sexual assault services in Wake County, North Carolina - saving lives, rebuilding lives, and securing safer futures for individuals and families in our community.
- Tasha started at InterAct as a volunteer and has now been there for over 15 years.
- Everyone can be affected by domestic violence, it does not discriminate.
- InterAct has multiple 24-hour programs and they are most busy in the middle of the night.
Tasha talks about all the programs that InterAct offers to the community:
- InterAct’s three 24-hour crisis lines serve as lifelines for victims and survivors of domestic and sexual violence who need to take immediate steps toward achieving safety.
- InterAct has a full-time presence in each of Wake County’s two domestic violence courtrooms. Additionally, victims of domestic violence can electronically file for a domestic violence protective order at InterAct.
- InterAct provides individual counseling, case management, and support to victims and survivors of rape and sexual assault.
- InterAct’s Emergency Shelter Program serves as a “home away from home” for Wake County families who have experienced domestic violence and need emergency shelter.
Mentioned in this episode:
- If you're interested in volunteering all the opportunities are listed on the website.
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free and you'll never miss an episode. And if you really like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In this episode
- Today's guest is Ryan Kelly, MSW, Associate Director of Victim Services from InterAct.
- Ryan shares about her role and InterAct and how she helps survivors of domestic abuse.
- Ryan shares about the ways domestic violence shows up in relationships, physical abuse is often only one piece of the problem. She breaks down the power and control wheel that is taking control over their partner.
- Do you feel like you have the autonomy to do what you want to do and feel safe? This is a good gauge to identify if you are in an abusive relationship.
- We highlight how domestic violence does not discriminate against race, sex, or socioeconomics.
- We talk about what to look for in relationships that could be red flags of domestic abuse:
- Does it progress quickly
- You see an attack on autonomy
- The perpetrator attacks healthy relationships in the survivor
- Ending a relationship with an abusive partner can be dangerous.
- We need to become better at listening because people in an abusive relationship may not directly disclose abuse.
- We also need to get better at believing people when they disclose abuse and not find excuses for abusive behavior.
- You don't need to know the truth to support someone, often asking questions about the nature of the abuse can cause the survivor to feel like you are victim-blaming.
- The National Coalition to Against Domestic Violence estimates about 10 million men and women in the United States experience intimate partner violence per year.
- The pandemic exasperated the instances of domestic abuse.
- The good news is that a lot of people transition successfully from being victims to survivors.
Mentioned in this episode:
- If you're interested in volunteering at InterAct all the opportunities are listed on the website.
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free and you'll never miss an episode. And if you really like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In this episode
- Lepage Associates is home to a highly experienced team of experts dedicated to helping you with your concerns.
- They recognize that when people seek a psychologist, therapy, or psychiatric services, they are experiencing a problem they would like solved.
- By the time you start to think about seeking a mental health service, you have likely tried at least some alternatives, and those have not improved the situation to your satisfaction or given you the answers you seek.
- BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Hostile Emails, Personal Attacks, and Social Media Meltdowns
- Dr. Lepage gives an overview of what her practice does.
- We talk about ways to communicate with ex-spouses that are not disruptive to co-parenting.
- "Brief" is a really good communication style to learn.
- The more irritated or agitated we are, the harder it is to be our best selves as a parent that day. So to the extent, we can keep boundaries in our own lives and not jump into these pools of hostility when we don't have to, it's not only great for our own mental health, but it's great for our parenting.
Rules for effective communication
- Always ask, "Do I need to reply to this at all?"
- Leave out the three "A's"
- Advice
- Admonishments
- Apologies
Mentioned in this episode:
- Articles and Podcasts mentioned
- The High Conflict Institute
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free and you'll never miss an episode. And if you really like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In this episode
- We talk about the Will Smith and Chris Rock drama, and how Will's marriage is well known as a non-traditional or open marriage.
- We share about open marriage stories we've heard as lawyers.
- We are great at drafting contracts, if you'd like a non-traditional marriage agreement reach out to us.
- What percentage of marriages are open? Less than 1%.
- What percentage of open marriages end in divorce? 92%
- In North Carolina, the Paramore can get in trouble by two claims: Alienation of Affection and Criminal Conversation.
- Criminal conversation is basically the simple fact that you had sex with a married person.
- Alienation of Affection is basically you have interfered in this relationship, this marriage, and had an affair with the person and caused them to leave their spouse.
- Most of these claims typically settle instead of going to trial, generally, they're used as a negotiation point.
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free and you'll never miss an episode. And if you really like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In this episode
- SAFEchild stands for Stop Abuse For Every Child and is a Wake County organization that offers a full range of child abuse prevention and intervention services to children and families at no cost.
- Cristin DeRonja, SAFEchild’s executive director since 2015, joined the organization in 2004 and has served many roles. She has worked with first-time moms as a mentor for SAFEchild’s Welcome Baby program, drawn upon her family systems training as a program facilitator for several SAFEchild parenting groups, including the Nurturing Program and PLUS, and presented the Funny Tummy Feelings program in schools to first graders.
- Cristin was instrumental in establishing the SAFEchild Advocacy Center in 2010 and achieving SAFEchild’s National Accreditation in 2017.
- Cristin shares about the services offered to parents both victims and abusers that focus on stopping the cycle of abuse and rehabilitation.
- Some of the biggest protective factors that decrease child maltreatment is having positive social connections.
- We discuss how COVID has impacted SAFEchild over the past few years.
- It is very easy to access the services of SAFEchild by visiting their website and filling out the intake form.
- They offer free parenting classes, medical evaluations, and more.
- Cristin offers advice to parents: "You don' need to have all the answers yourself. Knowledge is power."
In This Episode:
- SAFEchild - Eliminate Abuse & Empower Families
- The ACES Ted Talk - How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime | Nadine Burke Harris
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free and you'll never miss an episode. And if you really like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In this episode
- Jamie comes back onto the show for a second time.
- Jamie is a private investigator that works for Blackman Detective Services.
- We talk about serving papers and how important it is to keep a case moving in the court system.
- We talk about the different levels of serving people that private detectives take, but that doesn't always work smoothly so they have to find the person and hand the papers to them personally.
- PI's have even used newspaper ads to find hard-to-find people.
- Jamie shares some funny stories of times when people were being difficult that are sure to make you laugh.
In This Episode:
- blackmenpi.com
- Call them at 919-821-0016
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free and you'll never miss an episode. And if you really like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In this episode, Elizabeth and Sarah provide answers to some of the most frequently asked questions regarding North Carolina divorce law.
Some of these questions include:
- Do you really have to be separated a year to file for divorce?
- What if the other party will not leave your home?
- Do you have to have a separation agreement or court order to be legally separated?
- Why is the day of separation so important?
- Can you and your spouse use the same divorce attorney?
- What is the difference between legal and physical custody?
- What does the court look at when determining custody?
- Why do I have to provide so much financial information to my attorney and the other side?
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free and you'll never miss an episode. And if you really like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In This Episode:
- Infidelity relationships outside of the marriage account for almost 60% of separation and divorces.
- This episode airs the day after Valentine's Day 2022, so happy valentines day!
- How soon can you date:
- At least wait until you're separated, (legally, not just a verbal agreement)
- When you're separated in NC, you have to be separated for a year and a day before you can get divorced.
- We talk about all the issues that can come up from dating during your separation.
- We discuss some of North Carolina's outdated laws.
- We suggest not talking about your dating, separation, or divorce on social media.
- Consider not introducing the person you are dating to your children until they have time to heal and adjust from the divorce.
- Elizabeth talks about the four-seasons rule. This means being with someone with all four seasons to get to know them more completely.
- We talk about how judges consider common arguments given by people going through a divorce when it comes to dating, kids, and co-parenting agreements.
- If you're still in the middle of custody issues and you still got a custody trial come. For sure, that girlfriend or boyfriend is going to be subpoenaed to come and testify at court. And they're going to get all their documents subpoenaed until you're just making it even more difficult.
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free and you'll never miss an episode. And if you really like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In This Episode:
- During the pandemic there has been an increase in domestic violence. We have to protect people in violent relationships. That's something we've observed just as family law enterprise.
- We also talk about coming out of the pandemic (we hope), and what we've learned just in our practice, people staying at home together. Did it make their situation better or worse?
- What do you do when you and your spouse or ex have different opinions on vaccinations, even before the pandemic?
- How has covid changed the dating environment for people who have gone through separation/divorce, and now they find themselves getting back in the playing field. COVID has complicated dating for sure.
- That's why our job is challenging sometimes is that people are on different ends of the spectrum and can't find a middle ground and if it becomes a legal issue like a separation or custody agreement, it can be difficult to navigate those challenges without some outside help, especially when people find themselves at an impasse or tend to bring out the worst in each other.
- We talk through the crazy housing market and how to deal with that. Some couples may not be able to afford to purchase two new places either financially or because of availability and find themselves faced with learning how to live together with their ex.
- Our job, as your attorney, is to let you live your life and parent your children. We get to be the bitch. We get to determine when to talk to the other party.
- Our job is to get you out of this mess and let you work on yourself.
- We discuss whether we feel that virtual mediations are still as effective as in-person mediations were pre-COVID or do they have their advantages or disadvantages?
- Question: Have you seen or heard a lot of people that just feel like right now it's too expensive to get divorced with some of the stuff that happened with COVID?
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free and you'll never miss an episode. And if you really like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In This Episode:
- We talk about custody issues that come up during the holidays. What to do and what to avoid if you're dealing with a contentious or congenial custody dispute this holiday season.
- When thinking about your custody agreement this season it's important to think long term: think about what's important to you, what traditions you want to have going forward.
- We discuss some other do's and don'ts about the holidays. Issues like don't drink too much when you have your kid because it may be something that makes its way into court or your custody agreement.
- Your feelings through the holidays are valid, whether you are single or divorced.
- Over this holiday season, take care of yourself. Invest in your self-care, take a hot bath. But, especially if you're going through the separation process and there's litigation. Watch yourself and don't do anything that is in the heat of your emotions that could blow up everything regarding a custody agreement.
- Change takes time for people to adapt and just be careful going through the holidays and recognizing that for your kid's state of mind as well. And please give yourself some grace. This isn't easy stuff to go through.
- People celebrate and grieve and they do things for themselves in different ways. So you just find what works for you.
Links To Things I Talk About:
- Mariah Carey ad with the pumpkins
- Blue Christmas by Elvis Presley
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free and you'll never miss an episode. And if you really like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
In This Episode:
- There are all sorts of ways to handle custody agreements. In the best-case scenario, we would hopefully be able to resolve custody with some sort of parenting agreement or separation agreement.
- How do you enforce a contract? First of all, what do you need to have a contract? You need two reasonable people, even though they both have a position they want, are willing to (not necessarily meet in the middle) but compromise.
- We talk about the differences between a parenting agreement and a separation agreement.
- There is not a template for custody. People have different needs specific to their family, different temperaments, what is important to them, mental health issues, etc.
- We discuss what happens when one party breaches the contract.
- Who controls the decisions for your children, especially when it affects the other parent? What are ways to navigate these issues?
- We discuss what terms you can include in your custody or separation agreements.
- What happens when your ex starts to date? Can you control whether or not they bring their significant others around your children? The answer might surprise you.
- If you came into contact with certain issues in your marriage it is likely that similar or the same issues will show up in your co-parenting relationship.
- We talk about the role of parenting coordinators and their role in separation agreements and parenting agreements.
- We discuss what a court order is and how it can be useful when people don't hold up their end of the agreement.
- It's important to document issues that come up with your custody arrangement with your spouse, keep good factual records not a record of your feelings. "You call your friends you text your ex."
Links To Things I Talk About:
- The origin of the phrase "Mind your Ps and Qs."
- If you're listening and you think you might need a parenting agreement or can, or it's all issues, separation agreement, then, talk to your attorney or us. Or if there are issues already with co-parenting really consider doing a custody consent order.
Help your friends who may be going through a divorce go from victim to victorious and bitter to better.
If you like The Ex-it Strategy, visit our website to subscribe free and you'll never miss an episode. And if you really like the Ex-it Strategy, We'd appreciate you telling a friend (maybe even two).
Today's guest is Fizzy she is the Senior Paralegal and Operations Manager at New Direction Family Law. What started her love for family law was Fizzy's own experiences as a victim and survivor of domestic violence and her experience with custody battles and working with the court system. This also gives her another level of empathy that she is able to use to help her clients. Fizzy talks about how hard it is being a single mom and how some people wish that the other parent would disappear but she does not wish that on anyone. Fizzy talks about the importance of community and the community that she found were the moms of her son's friends. Fizzy talks about how one of the hardest things about being a single mom in her situation is being able to help her son emotionally when it comes to the complicated relationship with the father and navigating whether or not he wants a relationship with him. Fizzy talks to people who are currently stuck in domestic violence and how they can get out and there is light on the other side of the tunnel. As Fizzy's son is growing up she now has to navigate the world of teaching her son how to be respectful and kind especially when it comes to dating. They all talk about the importance of seeing a mental health professional and how to get over the things that are holding you back from receiving help for you and your child. Fizzy talks about how her child is biracial and the talks that she has had to have with him and how him growing up is a lot different from the way she got to grow up but he has found coaches to help mentor him. Fizzy's best advice for single parents is to make a plan and to stick to that plan so that they can be prepared.
In today's episode, they talk to Tim about his experience of the long custody battle for his daughter and his experience as a single dad raising a multiracial daughter.
Tim shares that in his experience we live in a society where mothers are often given preference when it comes to custody and how he had to overcome that stigma to win custody in the court system.
After going to court regularly over the past 6 years Tim now has full custody. We talk candidly about how that extended process has impacted the life of his daughter.
Tim shares advice on how to handle it when the other parenting party is saying negative things about you to your child and how in that situation you need to take on a more empathetic role. You should not talk negatively about your spouse in front of your child as it can lead to choosing sides or pitting the child against the other parent.
What's the best advice Tim can give to anyone who is going to court after a divorce to fight for custody? It's the importance of having a strong support system, having the right kind of relationship with your attorney, and presenting a clear, consistent, and case with details and facts.
He goes into even more depth about the cultural bias that is surrounded by single dads and how he has navigated through that and also some of the interactions he has had with other parents.
In his closing remarks, Tim shares how in his experience you need to ascertain when to go to court and when to let it go. Often times things that seem like big issues can be worked out with the spouse instead of lengthy and expensive court sessions. This can be particularly difficult when the other parent is challenging but you need to choose your battles.
In this episode of the Exit Strategy, we are joined in the studio by the hosts of the Girls That Do Stuff podcast, Sarah Madras and Jenny Midgley.
Elizebeth and Sarah talk about how they don't necessarily want or push people to get a divorce, their job is to come to the best solution to everyone's problems. Although many people who have gotten as far as consulting a divorce attorney already have their mind made up.
Sarah talks about how she keeps her wedding dress on a mannequin outside of her room because "why not display something that you spent so much money on." She is setting the stage for walking down the hall to their bedroom to remind them of their wedding vows.
Jenny talks about her wedding day and the issues that happened leading up to her big day.
We discuss and debunk the stereotypical roles of husband and wife and talk about how they have evolved.
We talk about the importance of flexibility when choosing a partner and discuss the "red flags" that you need to look for in your partner before you decide to get married.
Sarah talks about how John Gottman the marriage researcher and his retreat helped her marriage. It gave them tools for communication that revolutionized their relationship.
Sarah and Jenny talk about navigating friendships with people outside of your marriage and their opinions about getting professional help.
We talk candidly about the seasons of marriage, what they are and how to navigate through them in a healthy way that can make your relationship stronger.
If you'd like to hear some advice from people who have worked hard on their marriage about what worked for them, how it's not always the honeymoon phase, and how it takes work to make it work, then this episode is for you.
You have to choose your "hard." Staying in a marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. The choice is up to you.
Dr. Ludlam has her Master’s degree in Early Childhood Risk and Prevention from Harvard University and a Ph.D. from Alliant International University in Clinical Psychology. Her research and clinical interests have centered around the topic of trauma and trauma-related disorders.
We also spend some time talking about parental evaluations. She is primarily responsible for doing evaluations both for diagnostic purposes and for court cases.
We talk through what often leads up to the court order for psychological evaluations. They can be very beneficial for the court and often therapeutic for the person being evaluated.
There are a couple of types of evaluations. One is where every party, husband, wife, new boyfriend, new girlfriend, and kids are processed. Those are often long and can be expensive.
They also do parental capacity evaluations. Although there is no test for what makes someone a good parent so they look at multiple things like personality traits, are there disorders, do collateral interviews with people who could observe the person parenting, look at health records, mental health records. They are multi-modal and multi-source. It's only after weighing all the elements that they can make recommendations.
Cases are often not clear-cut in favor of single custody. The goal is two healthy parents and giving them the tools to get there.
The first step is an interview. Your side of the story. Start to finish. Then we do psychological testing.
Judges really depend on the expertise of the evaluators because they have no dog in the fight as a non-biased third-party source.
There are some cases where children in a divorce case are interviewed. We talk about parental alienation. What is it? Why is it brought up so much in divorce cases? It's pretty complex. It's not just one thing. It involves things like communication, how they talk about the other parent, are they sharing information, are they restricting access. Many parents don't realize they are doing even doing it.
You can find out more about Dr. Ludlam and her firm KKJ Forensic & Psychological Services on their website.
You're going to get a court date and have the opportunity to state your case before a judge, but it can be a long road. It can be for two months. It may be six months. You can ask your spouse to pay child support or your bills during this time, but it is not guaranteed. This is the reason many divorce attorneys and counselors suggest prenup agreements.
The custody is often decided in an hour in court. Most judges default to 50/50 custody unless there are obvious situations.
So how do you prepare for court? Your attorney will prep you for your testimony and get comfortable telling your story. Your attorney will prep you to know the dates in your story. Your attorney cannot lead you through. You need to rehearse and be prepared.
Often the best advice would be to go to mediation and settle and avoid going to court. But from the beginning of the process, you need to be honest with your attorney for them to best help you.
Never make up an answer. You can say I don't remember or ask to see the message if asked about a text message.
We walk you through a typical four-hour trial. What you can expect, and how you can be prepared. This unique behind-the-scenes tour of a traditional divorce case may open your eyes, but you will learn a lot about how to conduct yourself in court, what to do, what not to do, and how to best prepare for your opportunity tell your story to the judge.
When he’s not sketching random thoughts, he’s running a podcast about the NJ Punk Scene from the late 90s to early 2000s. He also owns an animation company. We chat about creating his comic @dailyBred and how he wrote his first book and, later, his most recent book, The Couple's Checklist.
Every day he wakes up and draws his comic and posts it to his Instagram. The character is basically him and his thoughts.
After a year or so of drawing the character, Mike put together a book of a collection of his comic. He created "How to get Divorced." In writing the book, he discovered he was sharing his divorce story.
Mike candidly shares the story of his divorce and the emotions he went through you during the divorce process and eventually forgiving his ex.
From his perspective, it felt like they went from very loving one day, the relationship ended. Part of dealing with the loss of his marriage, Mike sold all his possessions and hit the road to Austin, Texas, with plans to travel up to Seattle as well. He gave up drinking for five months. Nothing seems to help. He heard of LandMark and attended the seminar, which some people think is a cult. Someone at the seminar said, "I just realized he was just not into me," and it clicked for him.
He felt like he needed to forgive his wife and the person for who she left him. He felt like he regained control of his life. But that didn't magically fix everything. He still had issues with relationships and personal growth to accomplish. He had to learn to let go of not wanting to date.
We highly recommend you check out Kate's podcast, The Divorce Survival Guide. She is also a certified divorce coach and we talk about what that means.
"Should I stay or should I go?" is an area that she coaches people on, she also has an online course of the same name.
Kate shares her story about how she got into divorce and discernment coaching.
After her successful career in acting (including Grey's Anatomy) and successful divorce. She learned it's not simple, or cut and dry. Her and her ex have spent a lot of time doing therapy, recovery, and putting in the work.
I help women heal from emotional abuse and work through the process of discerning that throughout their divorce. ~ Kate Anthony
You can find a large community of people on the Should I Stay or Should I go her Facebook page. It's heavily moderated and a strong community for people looking for support.
“No matter what stage of the process you’re at, there is always someone whose life parallels yours and who you can take comfort in. As alone as I’ve felt at times, I realize that I am far from alone in this group.” ~Kate Anthony.
50% percent of first-time marriages, 67% of second marriages, and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.
One of the things that Kate has learned and in doing this for as long as she has is that most women who come to her if you're up in the middle of the night Googling, should I stay or should I go? And you land on my page and you call her, or you join her Facebook group you're not in a really healthy, happy relationship. Women don't know that they get to choose. We spend so much time waiting. We wait for men to ask us on dates. We wait for men to ask us to dance. We wait for them to ask us to marry them. We wait. And so we spend most of our lives, not an active choice about the relationships that we're in, but you do have the ability to choose.
It's a common misconception that you have to file certain paperwork when you want to separate, but this is not the case. We talk about one of the first steps to getting a separation which is a separation agreement.
A separation document is a contract to agree on how you want to go about things like child support and how you want to handle your finances.
We talk about a few things that people without separation agreements do and how much of a mess they have made for both parties.
One of the downsides of a separation agreement is the other party can decide not to sign it or not take it very seriously. If this should happen, we recommend that you go up to your ex-spouse and have an open-ended conversation about important matters with them.
So you want to start your separation agreement, but you don't know where to start? It would be best if you started by gathering all of your important financial documents to fully inform your legal team to give you the best legal advice that we can offer.
What do you put into your separation agreement? You put in who will have custody and the details of that custody agreement in there and how you want to handle your finances from here. We advise you don't put too much in there, but you can really put whatever you feel is necessary to have a successful separation.
When you or your partner does not abide by your agreement, we will try to negotiate without going to court, but if one party does not hold up their end of the deal, it will be taken to court, and it is a liable contract.
If you want to change your agreement, if both parties agree, then you can come into the office and get whatever you want to change, whether it is a new custody agreement or if it is a new amount of child support, it can be changed.
Overall, the benefits of a separation agreement are that it is legally binding and that your partner cannot back out if they sign it. It is also helpful because it can save you money by spending less time in court, and it will just be a lot less stress on everyone.
We talk about how we are excited to be getting vaccines and people are starting to come back into the office.
Will McGlone is a good friend of Jen's and is the guest on the show. We talk a little about college-years and how Jen and Will became friends at ECU.
We are excited to talk to Will about his experience and remembrance of his parent's divorce during his childhood now that he is grown up and has a wife and children of his own. Will's parents got divorced when he was five years old.
Many people think that the kids don't know what going on when mom and dad are fighting all the time, but we believe the kids know.
Will talks about how his parents told him they were going to get a separation and we share the stories of when our parent's told us as well.
Custody can be one of the hardest things to understand as a child and is often misunderstood from the child's perspective. It is difficult when one of the parents moves states away and it changes the dynamic of the relationship.
One thing that seems to be a unifier in stories of divorce is the desire for the children of divorce to raise their kids in a different kind of environment.
With the benefit of age and hindsight, we discuss whether or not we wish our parents would have stayed together. Also, we share advice for the parents going through a divorce about important things kids need to hear during separation and divorce.
We know it may feel difficult or impossible right now but kids are resilient and they will be okay in the long run.
As divorce attorneys, we get asked this question a lot. We cover it in depth in this episode. It's important that you have a plan for leaving a relationship and this information can save you a lot of time and stress.
The benefit of Premarital Legal counseling is that we would just tell you what happens, for example, if you open a joint bank account or you keep your money separate, or you inherit a million dollars from your grandfather? So marriage and of itself is legally recognized by the state. It is under the realm of law. So why not understand the laws that have to do with marriage?
This is different than premarital counseling in that it is not designed to help you uncover and process emotions.
Do you understand how the laws work around property in North Carolina? What about credit card debt? This can be very eye-opening for couples and help facilitate important conversations that many young couples may not think to have before tying the knot.
Many couples assume that their money in their 401K is theirs alone and in the event of a divorce they keep it all, or their money is in a separate bank account so they wouldn't need to share it. This is incorrect. What about debt from college? What about credit card debt? What about a family inheritance? The answers may surprise you.
These are important conversations to have before marriage.
Once you get married you have a fiduciary duty to your spouse, we unpack what that means.
We also talk about issues surrounding privacy and access to accounts, knowledge of passwords, and locked phones. You should be aware of where your accounts are, your bank, mortgage company, etc. Privacy is another conversation best facilitated before problems arise and can be another component of Premarital Legal Counseling.
A simple conversation about budgeting, how you want to budget, what your financial goals are can be very beneficial to engaged couples.
There is a good chance if you get divorced and have children that step-parents will be a part of your future. It's not all bad, but emotions can run high.
We prefer the word bonus-parent instead of step-parent.
We discuss the story from E-News about Kate Hudson and their podcast called Sibling Revelry where they talk about the drama surrounding the stepbrothers and sisters and step-parents in their lives.
We answer many of the common questions that we hear as attorneys about step-parents. If the child is safe most courts are going to encourage building a relationship with their bonus family. Even though emotions about it may run hot, we encourage people to get counseling and focus on co-parenting.
When do people introduce children to a possible new spouse. We talk about the options and offer our insights.
In the majority of our cases when step-parents come into the picture it's a good thing.
We talk about TPR, which is the termination of parental rights and how that will lead to step-parent adoptions. These cases can be some of the most meaningful cases for our attorneys. We don't get a lot of happy days in court but step-parent adoptions are very special.
Social media. We love to hate it. On average people are spending hours every day on social media.
Some of the ways social media can change our lives:
- Social media is distracting us from actually spending time with one another.
- The ability to stalk each other.
- We are oversharing.
- We are more likely to become addicted to attention.
- Focusing on strangers' lives rather than our own.
- Jumping to conclusions.
We put our best lives on social media but nobody knows what's behind those pictures.
Dating apps and social media have made it easier to immediately connect with someone. This could lead to us looking for something new and better instead of working on existing relationships.
After the demise of a relationship, what should you know about your social media accounts? Simply put, don't be dumb. Use common sense when posting about old and new relationships because it is likely that information could be used against you in your divorce and separation.
Judges don't like people blasting their ex on social media. Not to mention your child or your child's friends' parents can find your dirty laundry you air on social media.
We talk about how this generation was given the advice to not post a picture of yourself having a beer on social media and now a bunch of people from the previous generation was posting selfies in the nation's capital during the siege. Facebook is the number one source for online divorce evidence.
Here is a simple list of DON'Ts for your social media during your separation and divorce:
- Don't forget to change your passwords
- Don't take selfie's at the courthouse
- Don't badmouth your former spouse
- Don't badmouth the judge
- Don't allow yourself to be tagged inappropriate photos
- Don't post anything you wouldn't want to be read on the stand
- Don't use your friends as a social media spy
- Don't forget to disconnect clouded services so your texts and photos don't show up on your ex's device.
- Don't lie to your attorney about what's out there
1 in 3 divorces starts as an online affair. 25% of couples fight about Facebook at least once per week. 30% of Tinder users are married. Less than half of people confront their spouses about what they discover online.
The ruling is on the domestic violence protective order. You have to allege certain relationship statuses to have standing to really move for this under our current statutes.
Currently, you have to show that you are spouses or former spouses to get a domestic violence protective order. Or that you are persons of the opposite sex who are not married, but had lived together or currently live together, that you have a child in common or a parent and child or grandparent-grandchild relationship.
Those words "opposite sex" are in our statute. You could not, before this case came down, if you were in a same-sex relationship, seek a domestic violence protective order. Until this came down we were the only state in the country that did not provide equal protection for people who are in a same-sex relationship.
At the trial court level, the plaintiff, the person asking for the protective order went to the domestic violence court in Wake County and asked for this. And the judge said these facts are egregious. This is awful what happened. And where had you been in an Opposite sex relationship you would get a protective order, but since you are not, I cannot find that domestic violence occurred because the statute does not afford that to you. And then that was appealed to the court of appeals, which is where we got our recent order from thankfully.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship what are some resources/options for them?
- Reach out to Interact of Wake County
- Talk to a friend or loved one that you trust and make a plan to get out of that relationship
- Talk to an attorney
Back in the day, we had the tender years doctrine that if you had a small child that the mother stayed home for most of it. That played into many custody decisions. The roles of men and women in marriage have changed a lot in the past 50 years. The current law says there is no preference one way or another.
Although most of the cases we try are boobs versus dudes, there are cases where it's dudes versus dudes or boobs versus boobs...
While we empathize with parents who are living in a new normal where they don't get to see their child as often as they would like because of divorce, it's not always the case anymore that custody goes to the mother. Many fathers step up and that's what we want to see because it is often in the best interest of the children.
Just because dad hasn't done it, doesn't mean he can't or doesn't deserve a chance to try.
Most cases in wake county start at 50-50 custody agreement with no preference.
You can't take a 100% household and divide it into two 100% houses. There will need to be a compromise.
We discuss the difference between temporary and permanent custody orders.
We talk about nesting, where the kids stay in the same house and mom and dad rotate into that home.
We talk about how sometimes in a courtroom the judge will admonish the parents for being vindictive or not putting the best interest of the kids ahead of their personal feelings.
We talk about the current news of Kelly Clarkson's divorce who was recently awarded primary physical custody due to trust issues between the parties and there being conflict.
MYTH #1 - Prenups are only for the rich and famous
Prenups are like insurance for your marriage, never think about divorce when you are getting married but it happens. You don't necessarily have to have wealth at the time you are married but you should have a plan for the wealth you may acquire.
MYTH #2 - Most divorces are nasty drawn-out battles in court
Most? No. Some? Yes. Many people are able to discuss things, have an agreement, and can be simple.
MYTH #3 - If your spouse cheats on you, you will get primary custody of the children
False. The worst husband can be the best father and the worst wife can be the best mother. The only time it will come into play is if your spouse developed a relationship with someone who is not a good person to be around the kids. This could be alcohol or drug problems, etc.
MYTH #4 - There has to be someone at fault to be able to get a divorce in North Carolina
We are a no-fault divorce state, you have to be separated for a year and a day and only one of you has to have the intent to be separated.
MYTH #5 - Divorce without kids are easier
It is not necessarily easier without kids. Pain is pain. Hurt is hurt. There are a lot of different aspects to separation and divorce and you can't necessarily compare yourself with other people.
MYTH #6 - You have to file "separation papers" in order to file for divorce
If you walk out the door with the intent to be separated permanently, you are legally separated and the year and one-day timer start ticking. It does not have anything to do with property, kids, or spousal support. You are separated for all intents and purposes, whether that person wants to be or not, you do not have to be served with anything.
MYTH #7 - I can't move out without an agreement in place because that is abandonment
It is and it isn't. Most of the time it is not. We unpack the differences in our discussion.
MYTH #8 - If we have equal custody, there won't be child support.
In theory that can be true, but it is more than custody time that is taken into consideration. If he makes $150K and she makes $30K then there will likely be child support. This is calculated on guidelines.
MYTH #9 - We've only been married a short time, we need an annulment.
Annulments are rare. Things like illegal marriages, incest, fraud, bigamy, mental disease, and impotence but not the short amount of time many people believe is an option. There may be looser laws in Vegas, but in North Carolina, if you are married for a week, you need to be separated for a year before you can get a divorce.
MYTH #10 - I can't get a divorce because my spouse won't agree to it or sign
It just takes one person to not want to be married. The sheriff will take them their papers.
MYTH #11 - My ex will sign his or her parental rights away
This is not possible. You can relinquish your rights, but there has to be a termination proceeding against you. And that has to be legitimate, you can't just file it or sign a paper.
MYTH #12 - Even though we are separated, my spouse is sleeping with someone else... That's an affair, right?
Legally that's correct, but mostly it is not. It is not a law that is often enforced. We cannot legally recommend that you commit an antiquated crime.
Many people usually think family law attorneys are female. Chris talks through his experiences practicing in a small town to now practicing in Raleigh. Chris has been practicing law for 10 years and is originally from Benson NC.
We discuss the differences in family law courts in rural counties and city counties. Especially in regards to standard visitations. Judges are limited to an hour to hear your case and they start with 50/50 custody and unless something significant is brought up that is usually the normal ruling.
Often times people have an opinion about whether they want their divorce lawyer to be male or female, all our attorneys are very qualified and care about who the client is now what they are.
We ask Chris about working with clients to reach goals that we as their attorney's know they cannot reach. His response: "Regardless of how we think factually or whatnot, their feelings are valid, they are living it. And that's what I tell them a lot of times in that first meeting. I say I've known you for an hour. I don't know your soon to be Ex from Adam. I am hearing what you're saying and we're going to try to do the best we can. My job is to make your life a little bit better by the time we are done, I really cannot solve all your problems."
We talk about how Christmas and the pandemic has made a crazy season for divorce lawyers.
More about Chris:
Chris is a native North Carolinian, born and raised in Benson. After attending the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill where he double-majored in Political Science and Communications, Chris graduated from the Saint Louis University School of Law. Chris joined a law firm in Harnett County shortly after graduating and returned back to North Carolina.
Chris’ early practice focused on family law, but also involved criminal defense, civil litigation, competency proceedings, juvenile defense, veteran’s treatment courts and cases against the Department of Social Services. With this broad range of experience, Chris has been exposed to the many issues that clients may be experiencing during a separation. More importantly, he has helped people going through all types of crises, whether it’s divorce, death, addiction or mental illness.
Chris has narrowed his practice to family law, as this allows him to pursue his passion of connecting with people who need help during difficult times. He also enjoys the process of litigation, from the initial client meeting all the way to trial. Chris works hard to be a champion for his clients through what can seem like a daunting and overwhelming experience.
Away from the office, Chris spends his free time with his wife and daughter, visiting Raleigh-Durham’s museums, restaurants and parks. He also enjoys golf, basketball and fishing.
Having been involved in the IT industry for 30 years, Derek has seen the change in perception from what personal computers used to seem safe because people used them in the privacy of their homes, to today when it is easy to trace our activities online. He also notices the courtships and illicit affairs are accelerated by technology.
He also unpacks retro sex, which is a phenomenon of reconnecting with someone you haven't seen in 10-30 years and hooking up with them after reconnecting digitally.
In his career of going through 1000s of phones and devices, he has seen virtually everything.
In digital forensics, everything leaves a trace. You may not be able to recover deleted info but you can usually find a trace.
"If someone is engaging in a lot of misconduct, even if it's not infidelity if it's gambling or poor habits... even if they try to cover their tracks, there is going to be some information."
Derek shares a story about a man who was using prostitutes and found a creative way to issue payment. The women he associated with all had amazon wish lists, and he would purchase the items off their list so the only thing he looked guilty of was having a bad amazon habit.
One of the areas that they look at a lot is video game communities. People who play games online can develop just as strong as a relationship as those in real life. If you're a parent who thinks your kid is too young for a phone, but they have a video game platform with an internet connection and camera, you may need to take a closer look.
Derek talked about online privacy, and what happens when privacy is compromised.
You can find out more about Derek on his website. And watch his talk on TikTok mentioned in this epsiode.
Jamie bought Blackman Detective Services in November of last year, and they provide full-service PI work. They help attorneys, businesses, and individuals with everything from background checks to criminal investigations, process services, and all the "fun stuff."
In a previous episode, we talked about the alienation of affection and the cheating that goes on in relationships, and how that affects divorce and legal separation. What is needed in court to prove infidelity is inclination and opportunity. It can be difficult to prove, but phone records and evidence collected from a private investigator can seal the deal.
Jamie talks about what it is like following a cheating spouse, what they can and cannot do.
We talk about what an initial consult with a private investigator sounds like and the next steps to start an investigation.
Can trackers be used on cars by private investigators? Yes, but there are rules.
Can you legally record a cheating spouse? We get into the specifics.
The EX-it strategy asks Jamie what most people's reaction is when presented with evidence of infidelity from a private investigator. Often it's denial. Is there a difference in reaction between men and women? Jamie's answer is, "hurt is hurt."
As long as the case originates in North Carolina, Blackman Detective Services can follow that case out of state. They often find workers in other states.
Blackman starts with a retainer and often is billed hourly. A normal domestic case can cost anywhere from $1000-$7000.
We ask what her weirdest case was. The answer may surprise you.
We offer some next steps for spouses who cannot afford legal representation or the services of a private investigator and organizations that can provide help.
You can also check out the Blackman Detective Agency's podcast called "The Sleuth" wherever you get your podcasts.
Dr. Susan Orenstein is a licensed psychologist and the founder and director of Orenstein Solutions. Susan has committed her professional career to help individuals and couples improve their relationships. She helps her clients learn to communicate more effectively and build intimacy inside and outside of the bedroom.
In our previous episode, we talked about the fallout of affairs and we discuss the emotional side of affairs with Dr. Susan.
Dr. Susan believes that the deceit involved with an affair is one of the most challenging emotions to work through.
We discuss the reasons people cheat with Dr. Susan
- A mid-life crisis
- Travel for work without setting proper boundaries
- Substance abuse
- A personal crisis that you are not addressing directly
- An exit strategy from an unhappy relationship
Dr. Susan has a podcast called "After the First Marriage" Do you need a sounding board to help you through a divorce? If you’re inundated with divorce advice and aren’t sure how to sift through the good, the bad, and the ugly, tune into the After the First Marriage podcast.
We discuss how couples get intimate again after an affair. Dr. Susan describes several scenarios from her experience counseling couples. And we discuss dealing with the fallout of emotional affairs.
Find out more about Dr. Susan at www.orensteinsolutions.com
Decisions made to have a physical affair will have an effect on the divorce proceedings, spousal support, and sometimes custody.
In our experience, emotional affairs carry many of the same consequences of physical affairs and occasionally feel more insidious than the actual affair.
We discuss many of the "why's?" that lead up to an affair.
Is the statement, "Once a cheater, always a cheater" true?
What is surprising to many people is that in NC it is actually a crime to have an affair. It's fornication and adultery under the criminal statutes which is a class two felony that doesn't just apply to adultery. It's any adults not married to each other who shall lewdly and lavishly associate, bed, and cohabitate together, They're guilty of a class, two misdemeanors.
This is why we advise our clients to plead the fifth on related questions when in court.
We talk about what evidence we need to collect to prove that an affair happened in a court of law. The answers may surprise you: inclination and opportunity.
We get into the details of the financial repercussions of an affair, who gets awarded what in court, what gets awarded to dependent spouses, custody of children in an affair, and the use of private investigators. We will be joined by a private investigator in the next episode.
We talk about the role of forgiveness in an affair and what that means legally should you get divorced sometime in the future.
NC is one of the few states, six states, that have alienation of affection which is a legal means to sue the paramour (person who was the other person in an affair) If you can to show that you had a loving and strong marriage and this person came in and destroyed that relationship then you can sue them for damages for destroying that relationship.
Lesli shared why she got started in her practice. A little girl was brought to her who was the rope in her parents' tug of war who was only five at the time. She realized she needed to work with the parents to really be effective at helping people in her situation.
We talk about the myth of the "Mind reading school of marriage." Where we wrongly assume that our spouse can read our mind, know what we're thinking, and what we desire them to do. The solution is to spend a lot of time talking about our expectations.
"Many times you don't know you have expectations until someone violates them." -Lesli
There are some common things that people hear about marriage that it takes work, and it takes compromise, and it takes sacrifice. And I say, if you're doing any of those things, you're heading down the wrong path. When we think of compromise, we think you give up something. I give up something, we meet in the middle sacrifice. We're giving up something. It's the giving up that's the problem. If I feel like I have to give up something, then I opened the door to resentment. Versus if we negotiate to a decision, we're choosing this path. Meaning that the other paths aren't being chosen, we're not giving them up. We're just choosing this and it's a much more positive way of looking at it.
Marriage is a very unique relationship. There are things that undermine it and things that make it stronger. Successful relationships find ways to address those issues. There is also no "normal."
Some of the Ex-It Strategies clients come into the relationship not knowing how they grew apart and what Lesli lets her clients know is that if that's the situation you find yourself in you can learn to grow back together, if you want to.
We discuss discernment counseling. It is a form of counseling that helps people make a decision to either get married, stay married, or file for divorce. It's a very specialized type of counseling that Lesli is trained in.
What are irreconcilable differences?
- One of you wants children and the other doesn't
- One of you wants to be monogamous and the other doesn't
Other than those two most things can be worked through by a couple willing to do the work.
For Lesli, any issue that someone is addressing is a sign that the marriage can work.
Lesli breaks down her program to help people work through the "chore wars" with the division of labor in the household. It may not ever be equal but you can make it equitable.
Is there a good time to leave a marriage? Our answer is if you are in danger. Questions to consider:
- Do you feel safe?
- Are you scared?
- Are your children safe?
It is time to get a domestic violence protective order. We do that because you can't make the other person go.
Other than that specific situation the answer to when is the good time to leave is: It depends.
Many people decide to wait until the kids are out of high school. We discuss the pros and cons of this approach, but again your situation is different and there is no cookie-cutter answer. That's where a counselor and attorney can help you sort out your feelings to make a decision.
So what if you decide to leave?
We get a lot of questions about how finances will be handled.
There are two main issues to consider. Many people focus on growing their careers and let their unhappy relationships go to the backburner. However, while you are out there building your empire you need to remember that your spouse will likely share in the financial benefits of your effort. Also, people find themselves in the position of wanting to separate but realizing that they cannot afford to split.
We discuss spousal support and what judges want to see from people seeking this type of compensation in a divorce.
What about affairs? When is the right time to leave? Again the answer is "it depends." It really comes into play with spousal support and custody. This may be the time to hire a private investigator. If you are contemplating an affair we advise that you should separate first. The amount of complexity it will add to a divorce is not worth the hassle.
If you choose to work through the affair you can also consider a post-nuptial agreement that lays out what would happen if another affair would occur.
Elizabeth is from Cary, NC and she grew up in a toxic family with an abusive father. Her parents stayed together for the kids. This is something they hear all the time as family law attorneys. Part of that is why she focuses on family law and it's all she has done professionally. Elizabeth has a master's and bachelor's in social work and worked in the nonprofit field before she began her practice. She has been married and divorced when her child was two so has experienced many of the aspects of divorce both personally and professionally.
Sarah is a native of Raleigh, went to law school at Cambell. She discovered family law and fell in love with it. She loves dealing with people and getting to know them and why they tick. She is a big fan of true crime and juicy stories about understand why people do the things they do and the psychology behind it. She also loves going to court and litigating, the aspect of law that is arguing the law and what's right, and why things should be the way they are as opposed to what the other side things. So family law allows her to practice all these passions while getting to help people and walk beside them on the road of separation, divorce, and custody battles.
Many people may assume the work of family law attorneys would be depressing, but Elizabeth and Sarah feel it's the best job in the world because they get to help make people's lives better every single day.
People don't get married thinking this is only going to last a short time. Most go into it thinking it is for life so when it ends it is like a death. It's traumatic. On this show, we are going to share the good, the bad, the ugly, and over 30 years of stories. Laughter can be a potent medicine to deal with trauma and hardship and we're here to help you find some relief and let you know other people are dealing with this too. You're not crazy for feeling your feelings.
You will also hear from Jen Bordeaux, who is our director of public relations during the show. She helps keep us on track and reach out to the community. We also plan on having special guests to walk through these important and interesting topics on upcoming episodes.
We hope to walk with this through you so when you come out on the other side you go from victim to victor and from bitter to better.
Legal disclaimer:
The information in this podcast is provided for general information purposes. Only it may not reflect the current law in your jurisdiction. We are North Carolina attorneys. And by listening to this episode or any of the other episodes, you understand that there is no attorney-client relationship between you and New Direction Family Law, or Elizabeth, or Sarah and there's no attorney-client relationship here. No information contained in this episode should be construed as legal advice from us or the individual author host guests or anyone else we have on this podcast. And it's not intended to be substituted for legal counsel or subject matter in anything else. No listener of this episode should act or refrain from acting on the basis of any information provided. Included in or assessable through this episode without seeking appropriate legal advice on your particular facts.