Legends In Their Own Minds: Recent Episodes
The 2 Legends
Our 2 "Legends" wax sarcastic about a wide range of topics - 10 minutes at a time. From bad drivers, to binge eating, and everything in between, these 2 "Legends" can make a mountain out of any molehill.
While Dave is rightly concerned about the historical phenomenon of 'political impeachment', Johnny’s underlying issue is pretty much with any kind of math.
Johnny's doctor is concerned about his weight - but it's not what you think. Will he survive? Or is he officially doomed?
In Nashville, it turns out the NFL Draft and bachelorette parties are a bad mix. Just ask the bachelorettes who didn't plan ahead. Don't ask Dave, though. That'll just get him started again.
Don't like either candidate from the two major parties and feel you have to vote for the lesser of two evils? Well, it seems you're not alone. Now at least one state is trying to find a clever remedy.
Johnny wants to let out a primal scream about all the "feel good" (read politically correct) ordinances his toney suburban city has been enacting lately. But then if he did, they'd probably slap him with a fine.
Some people think Dave is rude... They'd be right. Just asked the lady who unnecessarily held up the airport security line in front of him!
Someone once said "getting old is not for wimps." As Dave begrudgingly starts to deal with the reality of his inevitable physical decline, Johnny's best guess is that the guy who uttered that line, is probably dead.
Well, the New England Patriots are going to the Super Bowl once again and, unlike most of the country, Dave and Johnny couldn't be more pleased. Oh yeah, and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, he can go pound sand; just not in the Northeast.
Johnny has been trying to get Dave on social media for years. Finally, Dave is connected, but now Johnny has taken himself off the grid...Coincidence?
Johnny walked a fine and treacherous line when his beloved, malapropism-prone wife suggested she was interested in teaching English as a second language. He broached the subject of proficiency and still managed to survive.
Johnny has sleep apnea, so his doctor prescribed a CPAP machine. Johnny won't use the thing because it's noisy and keeps him awake. Dave, on the other hand, thinks it's probably a good thing for Johnny to breathe when he sleeps. That Dave... he's such a giver!
Have you ever rented a car from a well-known company, had it break down in the middle of nowhere on a 100-degree day and when you call the 800 number, the woman in Mumbai tells you they always have problems with those cars? Dave has, and it was F-airly U-gly.
Johnny's wife enjoys going to weddings. Johnny, not so much. He'll go because he wants to be a good husband. After all, he may not be a romantic, but he's no fool.
Johnny's feeling extra old these days. And his children can't wait to remind him of it.
Some people say moving to the south is a downgrade. We think those people are very smart.
We're ambivalent about this crop of presidential candidates. We're not so blasé about past winners.
Johnny gets lots of credit card offers. Don't they know his wife has final disapproval?
There are an amazing number of words that you should never use and stuff. Irregardless, it's very hard not to, honestly, just literally have your head maybe explode.
If Dave & John broke out of prison, what would they do? The answers made Johnny fraidy scared.
Comcast customer service is an oxymoron. The rep who spoke to Dave is a bona fide moron.
Dave's car is in the shop and his rental car should be. We're talking scratches and the aroma of wet dog. But, enough about his personal life.
It's been a year since Johnny had a heart attack. He's fine now. However, his next scheduled procedure might end up being an even bigger pain-in-the-ass.
Johnny and Dave are unashamed white men. Ben Affleck, however, has taken his white guilt to a whole new level. You might say he's a slave to political correctness.
When Johnny's wife speaks, everyone listens. Because, according to him, nobody knows what the hell he/she's saying.
It's a trial living in Boston. Bad traffic. Cold and snow. Democrats. No death penalty. Texas is looking pretty good right about now...
We all know Johnny is easily irritated. What he doesn't know is why some people insist on whistling in public, thus causing him to hit a sour note.
Johnny is rarely on the left side of anything. Driving in Barbados forced him to the other side of the road, much to the chagrin of his white-knuckled family.
Johnny dreaded his family vacation in Barbados. He worried it might not be "a day at the beach." But, much to his surprise, he was wr-wr-wrong.
Super Bowl XLIX is almost here and our 2 Legends are feeling anxious. As fans of the Patriots, Dave and Johnny don't want to, once again, feel deflated should their beloved team lose. (See what we did there?)
Dave and Johnny are nervous fans when it comes to the NE Patriots playing in the NFL playoffs. Now, before you and the rest of America get all hateful regarding our Legends' favorite team, just remember, the name Tom Brady has a nice ring to it... Actually 3 rings to it...
The internet is down in Dave's office, Johnny's LED bulbs don't work in his chandelier, and the podcast sound mixer is always a problem. We know, First World Problems are a real pain in the... circuit box.
A little bit of freezing rain sends New England drivers into a tizzy. Hello people? You didn't see winter coming? These drivers are divided into two groups, idiots or maniacs, and you know which type you are.
Dave shaved his goatee and Johnny was quite surprised. People say Dave looks years younger. In fact, if Johnny were to let his gray beard grow, our 2 Legends might be mistaken for father and son. Hey, it could happen.
There is a dearth ($10 word) of dining choices near Dave's office in "Idaho." Usually, it's the Chinese buffet or a place that doesn't have meatloaf. Please note: chopped sirloin is not almost like meatloaf.
Johnny's a bit miffed. What else is new? He offered to buy his dad's old car hoping his father might give it to him. Uh, not so much. Dear old dad did accept a bank check though. Ah, family.
So Johnny was suffering from "numb wrists", and he thought it would be a great idea to have an acupuncturist stick needles in his ears to fix the problem. Makes sense, right?
When someone close dies, do you "grieve" by cracking jokes? Johnny does; it is who he is; he can't help it. He's even prepared a few quips should Dave precede him below the grass.
It's fall in New England and Johnny's revving up his new gas-powered leaf blower. He should hurry though, because soon it might be outlawed in his snooty suburb.
Dave and PRY4SNO begged out of a rainy Thursday night Patriots game to "study." So, Johnny took his wife, daughter, and son (who brought a flask). It was painless.
You've all seen those avid cyclists with their colorful-spandex-Euro--scruffy-bearded-I'm-better-than-you attitude. Well, Johnny is having none of it, especially when those weenies feel the need to give him unsolicited "advice."
We love autumn in New England, but the daunting prospect of winter tempers that affection. And Johnny likes the smell of burning leaves, but his enviro-conscious, nosy suburban neighbors had to call 911 "and ruin it."
Dave and his college buddies reunite once a year, but no one knows why. Chicago was their place of choice this time and, as usual, Dave found many things which annoyed him, not the least of which were the hapless Cubs and baseball in general.
Johnny's whining about how his family seems to challenge him on everything. Dave rarely tests the big guy because he knows he comes off as reasonable by comparison.
One of our Legends is prone to vanity and, surprisingly, it's not the younger of the two. Johnny actually spent $75 on a tooth whitening kit which left his wife with some bitter aftertaste.
We know Johnny is old and he talks about his aches and pains ad nauseum. But, ever since Dave turned 40, he's been hearing noises emanating from his body, and they're not from the Mexican food he ate the night before.
Johnny was good this year and bought his niece's school supplies before the last minute rush. What he didn't realize was all that stuff was a lot more expensive than when he was a kid during the Eisenhower administration.
What would you pay for lunch at the local zoo? Johnny thought when he left Disney the price of a simple meal would be more reasonable. Well, it's time to wake up, smell the deep fryer and open your wallet.
Johnny's pickup truck has been in the shop for two weeks. He loves his mechanics but among his own crew, he's a distinct minority. And please don't get Dave started on the shady car dealer next door.
Have you noticed lately people are acting meaner than ever? It's gotten so bad Dave has come up with a new word, and Johnny, our resident wordsmith, is quite impressed.
Johnny assumed his appointment at the Apple Store would be as easy to work with as the products they sell. Ah, but somehow those "geniuses" forgot about the 215 lb. scowling bald man for 45 minutes. Time to "Think Different" again.
Have you ever eaten at a restaurant in North Carolina and been charged for something in Australia? Well, Dave has, and he's still got that sinking feeling 'Down Under'. Imagine that.
All Dave needed was an updated list of all his immunizations. What his local doctor's office wanted to do amounted to an involuntary full-body cavity search.
Would you ever eat a giant turkey leg, or are those "treats" just for the great unwashed masses? Check out the incident that began at Disney's Typhoon Lagoon and escalated quickly into a meaty debate.
There are two things weighing on Johnny's mind: back waxing and rude Russians. What do these two subjects have in common? Stay tuned comrade.
Are we ready for the TV news hype as tropical storm Arthur is allegedly determined to ruin the 4th of July on the East Coast? Of course not, but like the weather, there's not a damn thing we can do about it.
You say you could not care less about the World Cup and soccer? We hear you. And while the rest of the global audience has been sucked in to this soap opera of an alleged sport, remember, it may be just a matter of time until "futbol" and professional wrestling agree to merge.
Johnny recently signed up for Netflix and instantly he came down with a serious case of buyer's remorse. All he wanted was a nice movie night with his family. Instead, he got an unsteady stream of absolutely nothing. He truly cannot stand Netflix. But Dave thinks it's great. Of course, all Dave really needs is Breaking Bad on his iPad, some eighteen-year-old single malt scotch and just about anything works for him.
Do you brake for yard sales? Well then we think you're probably a used saucer short of a complete place setting. Johnny recently observed a parade of circus mutants picking through his son's collection of junk. And always remember, if it says "free stuff," nobody wants it.
Are you someone who texts while driving? Do you eat, read the paper or apply makeup when you're behind the wheel? If you are guilty as charged, we have a bone to pick with you. Can we please put the iPhone down and pay attention to the road for more than five-seconds?
If you hear some odd sounds in the background of our latest podcast, it's not because Johnny ate a whole bag of dried apricots. Dave's having a new air conditioning system installed at his world-wide headquarters all while the contractor is building a fine new house on Dave's dime.
Can Obama do anything right? He goes over to Normandy for the 70th anniversary of D-Day tribute, gives his usual eighth-grade-level speech, and then is caught on camera chewing gum during the other speeches. No respect. No class. No shame. No clue.
If we told you last week that Obama would trade five vicious Taliban detainees for one US soldier, who may, in fact, be a deserter, you would have said we were even more insane than usual. Well friends, the insanity is very real and it's emanating from, you guessed it, Washington.
A serious crisis is fermenting in our great country. We're runnng short on high-end whiskey. But fear not dear anonymous alcoholics, Dave has had the foresight and the "spheres" to stockpile enough amber liquid to get him through at least the end of next week.
Like most people, we have our pet peeves. We literally hate it when someone uses 'literally' as a superlative and mistakenly tries to convert the impossible into the literal. We can't be the only ones, can we?
As the last day of school draws near, nights at the school are filled with an endless array of concerts and shows. As much as the children are looking forward to summer, parents are equally excited to put their feet up, drink an adult beverage and not look at other kids' art for at least two months.
Have you noticed the latest trend in international crisis management? If 234 Nigerian girls are kidnapped, all you have to do is hold up a sign with a hashtag and a slogan and your obligation is fulfilled. #seriously?
Johnny recently had a health scare, but that wasn't the worst of it. His octogenarian roommate in the hospital was a man who liked to repeat himself who liked to repeat himself.
The vacation of a lifetime ... on the cheap? Johnny's wife wants to take the family to Disney without paying for Mickey's Bentley. Dave's an expert. Let's ask him the ultimate rhetorical question about bargains in the Magic Kingdom.
Michael Sam is the first openly gay man to be drafted by an NFL team. Now social progress is all well and good, but we really don't want to see anyone, gay or straight, suck face on national TV.
Most of us dog owners know there's an etiquette to picking up Fido's "business." We also know doody duty is absolutely no fun, but c'mon people, where's your sense of doody decency and respect?!
Remember those sex education classes in ... elementary school? We guess the "giggle fest" is starting earlier every year.
Who in their right mind would buy a $30 lottery scratch ticket? Dave and Johhny would. Too bad they don't live in Texas.
There's an old adage that says: in polite company, one should never discuss religion or politics. Well, if you're the one regular listener (Thanks Mom!) to our podcasts, you know Dave and Johnny are almost never polite. With this in mind, we delve into the New Hampshire senate race into which the former junior senator from Massachusetts, Scott Brown (R for RINO), has insinuated his carpet-bagging carcass because he couldn't manage to beat a fake Indian in his actual home state. Johnny, our staid conservative, pleads the stuffy case for morality while Dave, the Libertarian, would willingly have us slide further into a morass of moral decay to a point which might cause God to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah. Speaking of which, and then there's Hillary. See what we've started?!
At the risk of coming off as un-patriotic, anti-health, or just plain insensitive, let's make one thing perfectly clear;WE CAN'T STAND MARATHONS! And we reserve a special place in our admittedly despicable hearts for the the annual spring imposition which is the Boston Marathon. Our fair city is already congested with so much traffic that when they close some of the main thoroughfares for the annual running of the Kenyans, our town virtually shuts down. We are well aware of the significance of the 2014 event due to the now infamous bombings "allegedly" perpetrated by two extremist pieces of Chechen fecal matter in 2013, but nonetheless, we have always despised this race and it may have something to do with the Grand Canyon and gazelles.
At some point in each of our lives, we have had to pull off the highway and into a Rest Area. Whether we've needed to use the aromatic restrooms, savor the sublime delights of fast food, mortgage the house to fill up the gas tank or any of the above, we understand these interstate "oases" are firmly ingrained in our uniquely American culture. Dave is intimately familiar with many of these places because, as we're often reminded, he does a lot of driving. They are as familiar to him as the stack of bills on his desk, and just about as pleasant. Now let's add the latest phenomenon, which was the huge crowds in, of all places, Delaware. Just what in God's name was going on in that Garden of Eden to the point that Dave couldn't even buy a Whopper because the line practically stretched out the door. For a genuine misanthrope ($15 word) like Dave, his personal version of Hell was located in the middle of I 95 in the "First State."
Everyone knows about the "three second rule,"right? It basically states that if you drop a piece of food or candy on the floor or ground, you have three seconds to pick it up and then you're allowed to eat it without reservation. Never-you-mind that scientists have proven that bacteria attaches instantly; not to mention the strong likelihood that plain ol' dirt adheres pretty quickly as well. Dave and Johnny are not going to let the threat of a potentially crippling gastro-intestinal illness dissuade them from enjoying a luscious convenience store brownie or a savory peanut M&M. After all, a little filth in your diet builds character and those three little seconds might quicken your stagnant reflexes.
Ah, the lovely month of April, resplendent ($10 word) with tulips, forsythia, rain showers, robins, baseball, the Boston Marathon, and, alas, the ugly and dooming certainty of tax day. We know some of you like to get a lump sum refund after you've financed the government interest-free for a year. But for Dave and Johnny, make that Johnny's wife, it's time to pay up, big time. So, tune in to bask in the suffering of others as they endure the agony of their first-world problems. And, don't forget to pay your "fair share."
Johnny may look like your typical union leg-breaker, but underneath all that subcutaneous fat and baldness he's just an old softie, especially when it comes to his beloved 11-year-old niece Tanya. Recently, he was entrusted with two simple jobs: buy Tanya new glasses for no more than $150 and keep boys out of her bedroom. Johnny went 0 for 2 that day and his wife and children have been merciless in their admonishment ever since. Don't worry though, all is fine, except for Johnny's crushed sense of self-worth.
Dave called Verizon to ask a simple service question. An hour later he had been put on hold dozens of times, forced to listen to what could loosely be called music and upsold up the yin yang. All he wanted was a simple answer but alas, 'twas not to be. To Dave's credit, he was uncharacteristically patient and good-natured considering he was clearly trapped in his own personal Verizon of hell.
At the end of a long and typically frustrating day there is nothing Dave enjoys more than unwinding with a tumbler filled with a little ice and a healthy "dose" of eighteen-year-old single-malt scotch. Not that he's obsessive or compulsive about his beverage of choice ... well, okay, maybe just a wee bit. And don't tell him he has a drinking problem. On the contrary friends, he knows exactly what he's doing and to him, it's no problem at all. Cheers lads.
Every year Dave takes his family to Disney World. And every year the "magic" is enjoyed by young and old alike. And every year Dave sees his fellow park attendees strolling down Main Street with one particular mouth-watering delicacy tightly clutched in their soon-to-be greasy hands. We're talking turkey legs boys and girls. We're talking turkey legs that never missed "leg day" at the turkey gym. We're talking turkey legs that look like brontosaurus legs and taste like ham. Yup - ham. To make matters worse - Dave always takes the bait. Here's our own definition of insanity: buying a turkey leg every year and expecting it to taste like ... turkey!!!
For most adults who drive their children to school each morning there is a clear understanding that the Blue Zone is a "kiss and drop" zone. We are supposed to pull up, plant a smooch on our beloved youngster and then carefully drive away. But in Johnny's tony suburb rules are meant only for the "peasants" and can be casually ignored because some people are just more important than the rest of us. And the sooner we understand that, the better off we will all be.
Today we get to hear about Dave's softer side. And, as the collective jaws of 2Legends Nation drop in utter shock, we assure you a "kinder gentler" Dave does indeed exist. You see, Dave and his family adopted a rescue dog as a birthday present for his younger son. Dave does have to draw the niceness "line in the sand" somewhere, and in this case, it's in the dog food aisle ... on the bottom shelf. Because, compared with what the new dog wants to eat, the cheap stuff is like manna from heaven.
Johnny has one appointment with his dentist in the morning and another with his diabetes doctor in the afternoon. Dave hasn't been to any doctor's office in a long, long while and doesn't plan on going anytime soon. Dave just doesn't want anyone poking or palpitating any part of his body while Johnny is sadly resigned to the fact that he is one of the afflicted and thus he must suffer the indignity of regular cavity searches.
"They" say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, "they" and Dave clearly are not on the same page of the menu. On the other hand, while Johnny is enjoys a hearty classic breakfast, he is already thinking about lunch, dinner and the snacks in between. It's not that Dave doesn't like to eat, "au contraire mon ami," it's just that the morning meal isn't his "thing" and thus he misses out on the cavalcade of solitary older men who go to McDonald's and stare silently out the window while ingesting a serving of eggs shaped like a hockey puck.
Have you ever been sitting at your favorite bar, minding your own (multiple-martini-imbibing) business, when some jerk shows up and ruins everything? Well, it happened to Dave and he was surprised to learn that this time he wasn't the problem. And be sure to listen for Dave's perfect scenario of a just ending for his latest and truly undeserved nemesis.
Johnny's sons are avid surfers. In fact, they will drive over an hour to Dave's family's oceanfront summer home to surf, wait for it, in the winter. Is it cold? Hell yes! But the boys have neoprene wetsuits, hoods, gloves and booties. Still sound cold? YES! Well, that's no problem for our intrepid young men. They have a special, if not disgusting, trick to keep warm.
It's no secret that Dave is not above placing a wager or two at our local Indian-run casino, especially while he's trying to corrupt his younger, more impressionable cousins under the guise of celebrating their twenty-first birthdays. And it will also come as no surprise that Dave has zero patience for idiots, fools and folks who couldn't buy a clue if they hit every slot machine jackpot on the floor. With all this in mind, the burning question from his latest foray into gambling is: where's Bob?
The Oscar ceremony has come and gone and was much like all the previous shows in that it was full of self-congratulating, constant preening, long-winded, forgettable, usually humorless, megalomaniacal, verbal self-pleasuring and seemingly endless "moments." With all the plastic surgery "victims" in attendance, it was often hard to tell some of the players without a scorecard. In the end, it was all just too predictable, which, coincidently, is also the problem with most of the films Hollywood puts out these days.
Up here in sophisticated New England we've had a tough, cold winter with a lot of snow. We assume it's been worse in places like Minnesota and Canada ... but we don't care. Spring can't come fast enough as far as we're concerned. Just the other day, Johnny was up on his roof shoveling snow because water was leaking into his living room. His ladder was frozen solid and he needed a sledgehammer to "fix" it. We all want the warm sunshine, now. It's gotten so bad we even miss the mosquitoes.
There's a hot mess of trouble in this crazy world these days and our amateur President is doing what he always does, nothing. We guess, in a way, that's a good thing, because he'd probably only make it worse. Leadership? What's that? Common sense policies? You're kidding, right? America, a troubled world turns it's lonely eyes to you. And what do they get for a response? (Cue the crickets) They get a big fat '0' as in O-bama and his merry band of incompetent cabinet members. We're just sayin'...
Dave's idea of a good time is lying in bed and binge-watching "House of Cards" on his iPad mini while drinking 18-year-old scotch. Fair enough. What Johnny doesn't seem to understand is how does Dave fit the DVDs into that little tablet and the whole red envelope "thing." We think Johnny may need a software update.
Ah, the "holiday" most men dread above all others, Valentine's Day. Why? Because it's not for us and we don't want to be "that guy" at the CVS at the last minute grabbing any old card and a heart-shaped box of crappy chocolates because we don't want to deal with a week of the silent treatment. Romance, ain't it grand
Football is over and baseball doesn't truly start for another two months. So what are we going to do to assuage our hunger for televised sports that count? Well, the answer for the ladies and some dance-oriented men is the virtual non-stop figure skating exhibition that is the winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. Oh by the way, it's BYOP; bring your own pillow. Fabulous!
Have you ever encountered THAT guy at a children's sporting event who is loud, obnoxious and "borderline" abusive toward the refs, opposing coaches and parents? Well then, you've probably met our Johnny. His "Legend-ness" has been asked to leave each of his children's games on many an occasion. And it's not like the targets of his disdain didn't have it coming; it's just his delivery system that is somewhat questionable. In short, Johnny is a bad fan.
So, Johnny's great idea was to load his eleven-year-old niece Tanya into his Ford pick up truck and drive the 475 miles from Boston to DC to attend the B'nai Mitzvah ceremony for his twin cousins. Much to Johnny's chagrin, Tanya did not like anything about the trip except for the hotel room and McDonald's drive-thru. Plus, now Johnny knows all of Miley, Katy, Bruno and Bieber's songs by heart. Does anyone know where Johnny can rent a wrecking ball?
We love NFL football. That's because we're unapologetic, red-blooded American men. So we, like about one-hundred million like-minded US citizens, plopped ourselves down in front of our flat screens with our chips, dip and adult beverages of choice and watched as the Seahawks decimated the Broncos in one of the most lop-sided and boring Super Bowls in recent memory. When the best part of the game was Bruno Mars' halftime show, you know we have truly been "Locked out of Heaven."
We are sure, like us, you've often seen evidence of our fellow man exhibiting a total disregard for the sensibility and propery of others. Exhibit A: We go to the men's room at Dave's high-end office complex to do our "business" and we discover some cretin has defaced both sinks and the counter top with black spray paint. Just what in the name of hell is going on here? Seriously!
It's cold and flu season, especially at Johnny's house. His wife and niece are sick with something awful and all he hears is sniffling, coughing and sneezing. Now Johnny got his annual flu shot but his wife doesn't believe in flu shots so she and their niece didn't get one. So far, Johnny's just fine, and he's not worried about getting sick. He's worried about the consequences of being right when he's on the wrong side of his beloved bride's point of view.
Two First Ladies seem to always make headlines. One spends taxpayer money on travel and entertainment like it's her birthright. Another aspires to higher office by riding her husband's coattails as a fawning media shamelessly covers for her. At least that's Johnny's opinion. And wait until you hear his views on the 19th amendment. Paging Susan B. Anthony.
Recently Dave travelled south to join his uncles and cousins for his first-ever golf experience. Dave, by his own admission, is not very athletic Now, when a few cocktails are added to his Olympic lack of coordination, a little hilarity might ensue. Let's just say his tee shots might have had some local reptiles ducking for cover.
We're, by nature, not very patient men, especially when it comes to poor or even non-existent national leadership. Taking a daring step into the world of politics, our 2 Legends tell you what they think of the current US president. Spoiler alert: They don't like Mr. Obama, and they have their reasons. Whether or not they make any sense, we'll leave that judgement to you.
We've had it with the messed up priorities concerning the over and premature commercialization of our once sacred holidays. This year we saw Christmas being promoted in October before Halloween. And now comes the revelation and resurrection of Easter candy even before the "holiday" tree has been tossed to the curb. For crying out loud, don't we have to suffer through the hell that is Valentine's Day first?
It's high time we talked about the legalization of marijuana... So today we're going to weed through all the hype and get right down to manning up when it comes to the ingestion of pot. And it's a joint effort. (You'd think these puns were funny if you lived in Colorado.) Listen in and inhale metaphorically as we discuss the "weed of wisdom."
When we were kids we braved almost any weather, including snow, to get our butts to school. But these days every school administrator goes into panic mode when they see a snowflake, hear a dire forecast or see that the next town over has declared a snow day. New Englanders used to be a tough breed, but not anymore. Let the rant begin.
We have a confession to make. Sometimes, when we're "on the throne" we get our best texting, emailing and shopping done. We know we are not alone. The intrigue and sense of social discomfort is overwhelming...
We think people who go all out to celebrate New Year's Eve are either trying too hard or they're just plain stupid. For us it's just another night. Give us some fake Chinese food and leave us alone. We want nothing to do with your alcohol-fueled revels trapped in Times Square among millions of your like-minded idiot "friends."
We see signs every day... Stop signs, Open signs, No Trespassing signs, etc. Now most of these signs make sense, but at the funeral of Nelson Mandela we witnessed a bold hoax perpetrated upon the world. For us, it was both a bad and yet a very, very funny sign.
It takes a special kind of person to have their beloved dead pet stuffed by a taxidermist. We think that special person needs to see a special kind of highly trained psychoanalyst immediately. Check out our 2 Legends' take on what they do when their pets "check out."
So we don't have a podcast mascot... and while we have no problem with Braves, Giants, Patriots, Redskins or Arabs as mascots, we feel a much more intimidating and effective representative would be a huge “Masshole” coming at you with an axe to grind.
So years ago we went to college and our parents spent an inordinate amount of money so we could learn first-hand about alcohol, illicit drugs and the facts of life. Decades later Dave gets a call from an earnest college girl asking for a modest donation to his beloved alma mater. Dave then "politely" proceeds to give her a whole new education.
Familiarity breeds contempt, especially when it comes to our 2 Legends and their mutual disdain for snow. And it's not just the "white stuff" but also how people (most of whom we should shovel under) lose at least 3 of their 5 IQ points when it comes to driving in winter.
You've heard of he said/she said, right? Well how about he said/what the hell did she just say? Everyone's talking, but no one's communicating. Language barriers are real, and they suck
We are all under a great deal of pressure to be environmentally conscientious. That's fine. But don't tell us we're bad people because we don't clean and recycle everything. Have you seen China lately?
Over the river and through the woods and far away from Dave's house you go, especially if he doesn't know you. It's that time of year to give thanks ... that you've been invited to Johnny's home instead.
Winter is coming to our neck of the woods. But it's nothing a few hundred dollars dropped at the outdoor store can't cure. We refuse to let the cold air kill us. Alcohol might do the trick but not sub-freezing weather.
Have you done something heroic? Have you put yourself in harms way to help a stranger? Yes? Then you're a dumbass! Stop being such a show-off.
You may love your pet and we probably feel the same way about ours. But let's get this straight, we don't really like or even want to know about your dog, cat, iguana or squirrel monkey. We're weary pet owners and we are not afraid to say it. Woof.
Everyone loves surprise parties, right? Uh, that would be no, especially when it comes to our 2 curmudgeonly Legends. Don't even bother trying with Dave and Johnny, they'll just be sarcastic and ruin it.
How much is too much? When it comes to adult beverages Johnny and Dave agree - there is no such thing. When it comes to holding on to old worldly possessions, they couldn't disagree more.
When do we, as males of our species, become creepy, dirty old men? Yes we may indeed be older, but our minds are still in that proverbial youthful gutter.
Ah, the fun and camaraderie of the great American football tailgate; complete with heavy doses of alcohol, tobacco and obnoxious fans. And we love it.
We're the kind of guys who just come out and say it. No euphemisms for us. But some people are a bit more careful, especially about the words you use for stuff ... "down there." Discuss.
Ah, the joys of becoming an older man and the intimate details of a "special" medical exam. Keep your fingers ... uncrossed.
Our 2 Legends' "favorite" local chain restaurant has a new menu. But that doesn't prevent them from recycling the same old complaints.
Let's face it, our 2 Legends are essentially misanthropes. ($10 Word Alert) And just when they think they can trust people again, they get screwed.
Is bad toupe a redundant term? Johnny is bald and proud of it and he can't understand how a man could even think about wearing a wig.
Our 2 Legends just want to eat what they want and they don't appreciate their loving, caring family members worrying and nagging them. Can't they just have their cake and eat it too?
Dave and John both went the distance recently. Hey, get your minds out of the gutter, we're talking about driving ... in their cars! Give me a break...
October is here, time to pick apples, watch the leaves change color and buy a Christmas tree. Wait, what? Yup... it's time to grab, push, shove, there are only 84 more shopping days.
Is it possible for a thief to steal your car and leave it in exactly the same condition he found it? It is when it's Johnny's wife's car.
Sometimes tattoos can be difficult to look at, and even harder to understand. Of course it took Dave a couple of minutes to realize we weren't talking about Hervé Villechaize.
Dave doesn't like to fly... but that won't stop him from traveling half way across the country! There's no drive too long (or absurd) in his mind!
Stay away... That's all we ask... when you see the 'No Soliciting' sign, just stay away! If you 'Don't Ask', we 'Won't Tell' ... you off!
We've been known to enjoy an adult beverage or 2... and sometimes we've been known to have more than 2. Sometimes, as many of you know, that's not a good idea.
Ahh our 2 legends 'tackle' fantasy football (pun intended). We're obviously better at puns than fantasy football...
We always try to call things as we see them.. Sometimes that works for us, sometimes it doesn't....
Sex after marriage - such a wonderful memory... well, it's almost certainly just a memory... And usually a very distant memory too.
They say 'texting makes the heart grow fonder'... Well, we think that's what they say... At least texting leads to less fighting. And after all don't we all just want peace?
What do ostriches, Cowboy cheerleaders, Scott Baio and crappy podcasts have in common? We don't know, but Jonathan Novack of ABC's On The Red Carpet and Tennis Channel joins us to give us some answers.
Ahh bathroom etiquette... There are so many unspoken rules for using public bathrooms... We just wish people would keep EVERYTHING unspoken in there.
One of our "Legends" loves to get text messages - especially when they were meant for someone else. Socially unacceptable doesn't even being to describe Dave's responses to wrong-number texts.
We're not superstitious guys but (knock on wood) you'll like this (rabbit rabbit) ten minute discussion (salt over the shoulder) of how silly people can be when it comes to (God forbid) protecting themselves from calamity. (Uh oh, black cat)
Lately, New York politicians have been making it very easy for us to entertain ourselves at their expense. At the same time, they've been making it very hard on themselves... uh boy...
You'd think going to the grocery store or wholesale discount club would be so mundane that it wouldn't be worth talking about. As it turns out, nothing is too mundane for us!
We believe that exercise isn't worth the effort. After listening to this podcast, you may believe that listening to us talk about exercise wasn't worth the effort either.
We can't stand discount cards. And sales that aren't sales. And stores that are ubiquitously over-priced. And having to look up what 'ubiquitously' means in the dictionary... But we digress...
With all of the recent news reports of football players committing crimes in their spare time this year, we wanted to do our part to help. We sharpened our crayons and came up with 'Football on Ice'. You've heard of 'Disney on Ice' - but that's just child's play.
Ahh the useless things people post on facebook.... it's enough to drive us crazy... well, more crazy than usual.
Don't worry - we do think there's a right way to have an All Star Game... it's just a little unorthodox.
Well, you could also call this episode sleeves optional. You could even call it clothes optional... but no one wants that.
The Legends react to an insensitive (though some would argue - humorous) telecast in the wake of the Asiana 777 crash. Their biggest complaint? Letting the interns take the fall...
Now that baseball season is in full swing, the legends are enjoying the national pastime... well, on television anyway.
What do you get when you mix 2 Legends with a heat wave? SPF 350 Sunscreen with a bad attitude.
From who takes the trash out, to what to trash or recycle... It doesn't take much to get us going.
Summer is here - and so are the detours. John & Dave want to know why EVERY road needs to be re-paved at the same time!
When is salt water not good for the skin? When you find it in a pool that can best be described as "Number 1" or at the very least, filled with it.
Yup. When we go to a restaurant, it turns out, we're there to eat. None of us is sure why this is puzzling to the staff at said restaurant.
One of the 'Legends' might be a little too enthusiastic about all things Apple. The other 'Legend' is not going to let him forget it. In fact, he's still frustrated that he can't use his bag-phone anymore.
You would think the 'Legends' would be happy about a glass half full... but not when it comes to Dave's martini.
No, we're not talking about telemarketers! When pest infestation overwhelms the legends, sarcasm and bad attitudes run rampant.
All we needed was a simple can of WD-40 to fix a squeaky microphone... but a simple trip to the hardware store was a little more than one of these 'Legends' could tolerate.
Well, this podcast is about what real men drink. One thing is absolutely clear.... The 2 "Legends" have no idea.
It all started with a simple order of broccoli.... and then the 2 "legends" got ahold of it and trotted, or sprinted. (Both Are Acceptable)
What happens when one of these two 'Legends' forgets to respond a text from the other 'Legend?
Some people would debate 'Which came first, the chicken or the egg?' But the Legends In Their Own Minds will debate 'Why a chicken in the first place?'
To yield, or not to yield.... That is the question that preoccupies the 'Legends in Their Own Minds'
The "Legends" wax colonic about one of the challenges one of our "Legends" faced when getting older...
Oh, the trouble the Legends can get themselves into just by trying to go out to dinner.
What happens when someone tries to cut in front of one of these "2 Legends"? Pretty much what you'd expect, actually...
What happens when you send a roofer to do a patio man's work? Well, bout what you'd expect.... While we're on the topic... Why would anyone ask a roofer in the first place?
Do you feel comfortable walking down a hallway and see someone you may or may not want to acknowledge? Yeah... neither do we.
Is it every too late to say your sorry... For that matter, is it every really necessary to say your sorry? Well, here are 2 "Legends'" opinions - for which they are non-apologetic
The "Legends" take on musicals and theater... and explain their lack of tolerance for both.
The "Legends" discuss one of the great evils in modern society: Flip Flops (the shoes, not the politicians)
We've established that the 2 "Legends" have nothing to say, and say it anyway. At least when they speak they (usually) choose the correct words... most of the time... or from time to time... or some of the time... occasionally.
What happens when you let one of the "Legends" loose at an all-you-can-eat-buffet? What happens when you let the other "Legend" loose on a road full of drive-thru restaurants? It ain't pretty!
It's amazing what people try to slip by The Legends In Their Own Minds... and amazing how many times they succeed!
The "Legends" pontificate haute cuisine from around the world... From Texas and other independent nations. At the end of the day, they're still 'meat and potato' kinda guys
The 2 "Legends" discuss the Great American Pastime. It's opening day across North America. One "Legend" is excited, and the other one couldn't care less.
From parents and uncles pontificating rather than questioning at literacy day, to a lady at gas station consoling her 'baby' - these 2 "Legends" have decided that some people are just crazy.... or at the very least, a little odd.
In this first episode, one of the "Legends" tackles a not-so-relaxing dinner at a local restaurant interacting with a frazzled waitress. The other "Legend" discusses the finer points of Manatee Gray clothing.