Bible Beaters – Canada Comedy: Recent Episodes
None
Ep281 While Caleb’s away in Portugal flirting with the pope, the boys get back together for a classic Have You Met Chad pod.
Ep207
The post We’ve Been Doing It Wrong This Whole Time appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep193 Caleb created a rift with his gift and Kyle went camping. Then it gets serious as “Bible Slayer” Caleb and his cloven hoofed cohost “not gay” Kyle totally destroy the haters… it R.U.L.E.S. Just like Jehu lining up over 70 children and cutting their heads of like the bible says in 2 Kings chapter...
The post The Bible R.U.L.E.S appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep187 It’s the hottest Canada on record and people are burning down churches. Kyle is in love. In bible times there is a horrible forestry accident. An axe head flies of off the handle and sinks the bottom of the river and to top it all off, the axe was borrowed! Elisha gets trapped in...
The post Canadian Mayhem appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep186 It’s the beginning of the the hottest week in Canada’s history. Kyle’s new neighbors have called the cops on his parties. After in enjoying the presence of the Shummanite woman Elisha meanders over to Gilgal and on the way him and his buddies make a stew. Somebody throws some poison in the pot by...
The post Follow Me or Else appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep182 (2 Kings 2) We get right into it on this podcast. We have to hold reserve host Simeon up before the lord in healing prayer as he has sustained a horrific scootering accident. Kyle is sliding into married women’s DM’s. In bible times the hairy man from the dessert has picked up an adoring...
The post Chariots of Fire appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep179 (2 Kings 1) Kyle has annoying neighbors. Caleb has a JW neighbor. We get talking about genders in heaven and their complicated relationship. This leads into discussions about consciousness and cancer. The king of Israel had a few too many and falls off his balcony. Whilst he recovers he sends messengers to Baal Zebub...
The post Heaven Gender appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep178 (1 Kings 22) It finally happened. We lost half a recorded episode and this is our best attempt at recreation. Caleb has a righteous stalker heaven bent on silencing him on facebook. We talk about the ideal way to get martyred and how shitty it would be to be a corporate prophet. Asa (the...
The post Well Fuck appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep176 (1 Kings 21) Blessings to the patrons! Kyle shares his feelings for once. Ahab, the worst king in 7 generations, whom god helped win a war against 32 kings, wants to buy Naboths vineyard. Naboth will not sell his vineyard. Ahab throws a temper tantrum and stop eating until his bea Jezebel takes matters...
The post Don’t Kink Shame God (1 Kings 21) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
We’re doing something different this week.
The post Philosophers Stoned appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep172 (1 kings 18) Caleb has a run in with a crazy person. At Bethel church in California and they hold 6 days of resurrection services before having a funeral. Are miracles even possible? Next we have absolute banger of story. Elijah returns from the desert to tell the king to go fuck himself in...
The post Muhammed Toast (1 kings 18) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep170 (1 Kings 16) Today we react to 2 thousand years of oppression. Some genius put gods voice to guitar and we had to sit through it. In bible times we had to sit through 3 non hall of famers to get to Elijah the greatest prayer of ALL time. You wouldn’t believe how lame...
The post Bible Beaters Goes Heavy Metal (1 Kings 16) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep169 (1 Kings 15 -16) Me and my homies talk about revisiting old movies that you thought were good but are actually just a premake of a newer movie with the same characters and the drug trips are fake af. The Jewish civil war continues even after the death of King Jeroboam. Caleb makes a...
The post Harbor Freight J’s (1 Kings 15 -16) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep168 (1 Kings 15) It’s Caleb’s birthday so everyone gets handjob because we are close buddies. We get into the reign of Asa no not the pornstar. Asa has a civil war with the Jeroboam in the north. Unfortunately all the details are recorded in another book which we do not have access to. This...
The post I Thought We Were Friends (1 Kings 15) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep16 (1 Kings 14) Happy Valentines day dipshits. We reinvestigate the story of Steve and Larry the lying prophet and how this relates to biblical interpretation. So king Jeroboam’s kid gets sick. The king tells his wife to don a disguise and go visit a blind prophet. Why she needs a disguise for blind man...
The post If You Can Read This… (1 Kings 14) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep166 (1 Kings 13) Caleb has had his balls removed. In Bible times, king Jeroboam is worshipping cows will nilly so god sends a man from Judah to put a stop to it. The man uses his god powers to wither the king’s hand and then restore it. The king tries to repay the jesus...
The post Here Comes The Bride (1 Kings 13) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep165 (1 Kings 12) Kyle gets beat down worse than Connor Macgregor. Solomon has died and the Kingdom is passed to his son Rehoboam. His first order of business is to tell all his dad’s advisors to go fuck themselves and hire his buddies. Next, he tells his subjects that the beatings will continue until...
The post Jeroboam Rehoboam appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep 164 (1 Kings 11) Much like christ, the Lord of Hosts has been forsaken by his father. The King of Tardness finds this hilarious and bullies him. 3000 years ago Solomon has finished notching his bed post for the literal thousandth time. Dem asses makes Solomon worship the wrong god(s) by accident and this...
The post Justice Boner (1 Kings 11) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP163 (1 Kings 11) The interupter gets ripped off on Facebook marketplace. This week the bible reads more like a magazine listing all of the hookups of king Solomon. Solomon, the wisest man to have ever lived past, present, or future, takes for himself 700 royal wives. If that were not enough he picked up...
The post Solomon’s Hoes (1 Kings 11) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP162 (1 Kings 10) Caleb delves into his dark past as a crackhead. The bible turns into a reality show. The Queen of Sheba visits Solomon to validate the claims of his wealth and wisdom. Solomon of course lives up to the hype as the smartest man that ever lived. Next, it turns into an...
The post Smoke Sheba Sheba (1 Kings 10) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP161 (1 Kings 9) Happy New Year Dipshits! The year of our lord 2020 is over and it ended with a spectacular shit show. The boys head up to the woods for a bonfire and somebody gets real stuck. In the distant, non existent past the lord answers King Solomons prayers. He says some nice...
The post Anti-Semantic-ism (1 Kings 9) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP160 (1 Kings 8) Merry Christmas dildos! Its a covid Christmas nightmare. The Interrupters family comes to town with hives of bees. We’re not kidding. The Lord of Hosts tries Zoom Caroling. 4000 years ago Solomon dedicated the temple to the lord, humble bragging the entire time. We discuss the preposterous number of animals sacrificed....
The post Cheeseburgers in the Snow (1 Kings 8) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
We love that you made it this far, glad you’re enjoying the podcast and want more. For Exodus and the rest of the archives go to patreon.com/biblebeaters or skip ahead and get the newest 10 episodes free. Thank you for supporting The Bible Beaters Podcast.
The post Patreon.com/BibleBeaters appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP18 (Genesis 47-50) God springs his terrible plan into action. Joseph gets the last laugh because the famine is so severe that not only does he gather everyone’s money but also all of their possessions, land, and even the people themselves to become slaves in return for the food he has saved. Jacob Israel gives some more...
The post The Bible Beaters – Handjob of Death – (Genesis 47-50) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP17 (Genesis 45 – 46) Kyle the interrupter ruins the podcast before it can even begin to get any momentum sending our hosts spiraling into drunken raving. Joseph reveals his true identity which blows everybody’s minds and loads. We find out that god has a plan for everyone and, in your case, its most likely that...
The post It’s Gods Plan and It’s Not Good – (Genesis 45 – 46) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP16 (Genesis 42-44) So Joseph’s brothers have to make the trek to Egypt to get food because god decided the world should go on diet. Luckily, Joseph had a metric fuck ton of food saved up. The brothers aren’t about to be let off so easily, Joseph accuses them of being spies and locks up Simeon...
The post Starvation and Revenge – (Genesis 42-44) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP15 (Genesis 38 – 41) In this episode we find out that god does in fact cry over spilled semen, or rather will put you to death for it. One can be redeemed by becoming a prostitute though so don’t despair. Next back to the dreamer and his fancy cloak. Joseph get’s #metoo’d but saves...
The post DreamWeaver – (Genesis 38 – 41) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP14 (Genesis 35-37) Kyle gives a hilariously bad summary of Bible up to this point. We then become Alt right anti-Semites for a bit before abandoning those dumb ideas to be scientific biblical literalists. Caleb becomes incredibly frustrated trying to read 3 pages of names and this is very funny to Kyle. Then Joseph the...
The post A List of Useless Names – (Genesis 35-37) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP13 (Genesis 32-34) The hairy baby has grown into a hairy man and Jacob fears his twin Esau’s vengeance. He is so scared he wrestles with god all night and demands yet another blessing like the Jew he is. In the process he founds the nation of Israel out of stolen blessings. He sends his...
The post Birth of a Nation – (Genesis 32-34) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP12 (Genesis 30-31) In this episode of the bible beaters Jacob (the deceiver) uses the classic scam of peeling almond branches and putting them in the watering troughs of spotted or speckled goats in order to rip off his father in law of his fattest animals. After this somehow works, Jacob decides hes had enough of...
The post Hitler’s Angel – (Genesis 30-31) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP011 (Genesis 29-30) So Jacob stole his hairyness’ inHAIRitence. Well more specifically his birthright and blessing (which there is a finite amount of for some reason.) Esau the orangutan is pissed and vows to kill his bro. Jacob flees like the mama’s boy he is and whilst running away gets tired and has a nap...
The post Two Chicks at the Same Time – (Genesis 29-30) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP10 (Genesis 26-28) our hosts start to suffer some real world consequences for merely reading god’s holy word. In the story, yet another famine strikes and god tells Isaac not to flee to Egypt but to stay among the philistines. Isaac uses his dad’s classic trick and pretends his wife is his sister to the...
The post Deception is the Key – (Genesis 26-28) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP9 (Genesis 24-25) Isaac is all grown up and the most eligible bachelor around. In keeping with his incestuous heritage Abraham sends his servant back to the homeland to find a wife for him from amongst his relatives. The diligent servant fulfills his quest and gets a hot babe named Rebekah for his new master...
The post Pickin Up Chicks – (Genesis 24-25) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP8 (Genesis 20-23) After the destruction of the Sodomites Lot’s wife is turned into a pillar of seasoning. Since there are no men around Lot’s daughters come to the rational conclusion that they are forced to Bill Cosby their father to ensure the family line. Meanwhile, Abraham gets up to his old antics of pretending...
The post Take My Wife Please – (Genesis 20-23) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP7 (Genesis 15-19) The first thing god decides his favorite person has to do is circumcise himself and everyone he owns then change his name to Abraham. That is why this episode is called episode 7. The complaining about all the buttsex in Sodom gets so loud that god finally sends some angles… The townspeople...
The post Sodom and Gomorrah Destroyed – (Genesis 15-19) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP6 (Genesis 12-14) We are introduced to Abram who becomes maybe the most important pimp of all time. God picks Abram as his favorite person and decides that he will bless his offspring over everybody else’s. There is a war between 9 kings but Abram wins with gods help.
The post Punished on Their Behalf – (Genesis 12-14) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP5 (genesis 9-12) Humanity tries to repopulate after being destroyed in the floods. Somebody gets the idea of building a tower up to heaven but the lord god puts the kibosh on that dream by smiting people Chinese. Kyle gets upset that the bible has cliff notes.
The post Tower of Babel – (genesis 9-12) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP4 (Luke 2:1-20 NIV) we recorded just before Christmas so we skipped ahead to the birth of Christ. This episode gets little hung up on source of the divine DNA for the son of god but some idiots have to ask the dumb questions. Don’t worry this episode also includes infanticide.
The post Christmas Special – (Luke 2:1-20 NIV) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP3 (Genesis 6-9) God already regrets making mankind at all and decides to kill almost everyone. He does this by flooding the entire planet. Fortunately for living things god instructs Noah to build a big ass boat and put two of every kind of animal on it. Rainbows are involved somehow.
The post Rainbow Hypocrisy – (Genesis 6-9) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP2 (Genesis 2-5) of the story takes a dramatic turn. The woman god put there causes the fall of all mankind and basically ruins life for everyone. Adam and Eve get kicked out of Eden and begin the arduous task of populating the entire earth. Due to overcrowding of the planet the first murder takes...
The post Dumb Snakes – (Genesis 2-5) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP1 (Genesis 1-2) of the Bible Beaters podcast Kyle and Caleb explain (poorly) the idea behind the podcast and a little bit about themselves. Then they go back into the beginning of time starting Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. We go over the first week in existence and...
The post In The Beginning – (Genesis 1-2) appeared first on Canada Comedy.