The "So Now What?" Podcast: Recent Episodes
Lana Manikowski
I am a Fertility Survivor. The kind you enter into treatments hoping you will never be... childless. After several rounds of IUI and IVF, at some of the leading Fertility Centers, I was told I was no longer a candidate for fertility treatment. It left me asking myself...
So now what?
For the years that followed, I tried to put myself back together and tell myself I would be OK, but I wasn't. I was shattered - I felt alone and failed by the whole process and especially, my body. I yearned for others that felt the pain I felt and someone that could help me navigate a life without a child.
I didn't find it, so I decide to create it.
Fast forward to today. I am still childless, but my beliefs about my life have changed. I decided that I can create meaning and purpose in my life even though I am not a mother. I've learned to love myself and the body I felt failed me as a woman. I will share the many tools I have acquired through my Certification in Life Coaching and I will share it all with you here on The "So Now What?" Podcast.
If you've been on this journey, hop on and join me as we create something we were not offered. Let's create a sisterhood for the bravest women I know. We brush ourselves off and don't let terms like: Failed, Unexplained, Miscarriage, Not-viable or Advanced Maternal Age define us anymore.
Follow me on Instagram: @stitchcoaching to learn more about the opportunities available for you to live childfree, with meaning and purpose.
Life After IVF: How to Rediscover Yourself When Fertility Treatment Ends Without a Child What happens after fertility treatments end?
If IVF failed, you stopped fertility treatment without becoming a mom, or you're wondering how to rebuild your life after infertility, this episode is for you.
When your dream of motherhood doesn't happen, it can feel like your future disappeared with it. You may wonder who you are now, what comes next, or whether you'll ever feel excited about life again.
In this episode, you'll hear the deeply personal story behind one of the biggest decisions I've ever made. After spending 20 years in medical device sales and reaching the highest point of my career, I walked away from everything to build resources for women living childless after infertility.
Now, two years later, I'm sharing why I'm returning to corporate America and what this experience has taught me about identity, purpose, and creating a meaningful life after infertility.
If you've ever believed motherhood was supposed to define who you are, this conversation will help you see that your story is still being written.
In this episode, you'll discover: * Why the end of fertility treatment doesn't have to be the end of discovering who you are. * How to rebuild your identity after IVF, infertility, or pregnancy loss. * Why it's possible to create a fulfilling life without becoming a parent. * The surprising lesson I learned after leaving a successful 20-year career. * Why reinventing yourself isn't giving up. It's giving yourself permission to become someone you haven't met yet.
You are so much more than the life you thought you would have.
Even if motherhood didn't happen, you still get to decide what happens next.
Resources Mentioned Participate in the Northwestern University Research Study I'm honored to be partnering with researchers in the Northwestern University Department of Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility to better understand the experiences of women whose fertility treatment ended without a child.
If you've completed fertility treatment, did not have a child, and are no longer pursuing treatment, your experience matters.
Take the confidential survey here: https://redcap.nubic.northwestern.edu/redcap/surveys/?s=LM4TX4MJN3HRR7ER
The more women who participate, the greater opportunity we have to influence how fertility clinics and healthcare providers support patients when treatment ends.
Free Guide Have people ever said things like:
- "You can always adopt."
- "Everything happens for a reason."
- "At least you can travel."
Download my free guide:
The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless (and How to Respond)
https://lana-manikowski.myflodesk.com/thingspeoplesay
Connect with Lana If you're ready to stop feeling stuck after infertility and begin creating a life you genuinely love, I'd love to support you.
Learn more about coaching, my book, and additional resources at:
https://www.lanamanikowski.com
If this episode encouraged you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with another woman who is navigating life after infertility. Your review helps more women who are childless after infertility find the support they may not even know exists.
Birthdays After IVF Failed | Childless and Aging After Infertility What happens when birthdays stop feeling celebratory after IVF failed?
For many women who are childless after infertility, birthdays can feel like painful reminders of everything that did not happen: • Another year older. • Another year without children. • Another year wondering what your future is supposed to look like now.
In this deeply personal episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast, Lana Manikowski opens up about turning 52 after seven years of infertility, IUI, and IVF treatments that ended without a child. She shares the silent fears many women carry about aging without motherhood, feeling disconnected from themselves, and questioning their purpose, identity, and future after fertility treatments end.
This episode explores: • Why birthdays can feel emotionally painful after IVF failed. • The fear of aging without children. • Feeling like your "real life" never started after infertility. • The identity loss that happens when motherhood does not happen. • Fear around legacy, purpose, and who will care for you later in life. • Why women often feel lost for years after fertility treatments end. • What helped Lana stop measuring her life against motherhood milestones. • How to begin creating meaning and connection after childlessness not by choice.
If you have ever wondered: "What does aging look like without children?" "Who am I without motherhood?" "How do I stop feeling behind in life after infertility?"
…this episode is for you.
Lana also shares details about a confidential research study through Northwestern University focused on understanding the experiences and support needs of women whose fertility treatments ended without a live birth.
Mentioned in this episode *]:pointer-events-auto R6Vx5W_threadScrollVars scroll-mb-[calc(var(--scroll-root-safe-area-inset-bottom,0px)+var(--thread-response-height))] scroll-mt-[calc(var(--header-height)+min(200px,max(70px,20svh)))]" dir="auto" data-turn-id= "request-6a0b3469-ecf4-83ea-bb64-3ffc6cdfafaf-9" data-turn-id-container= "request-6a0b3469-ecf4-83ea-bb64-3ffc6cdfafaf-9" data-testid= "conversation-turn-42" data-scroll-anchor="false" data-turn= "assistant"> Participate in an anonymous Northwestern University Research Study for women who have left fertility treatments without a child. Researchers are gathering insight about the emotional experiences, unmet needs, and long-term impact of life after infertility so fertility clinics can better support future patients. The confidential survey is open to anyone in the world who meets the eligibility requirements.
Click here to participate in the Northwestern University research study
Download "The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless," a free guide to help you respond to painful, awkward, and insensitive comments after infertility without spiraling, overexplaining, or losing yourself in the conversation.
Get the free guide here
Read Lana's bestselling book, "So Now What?", the resource she wishes her fertility clinic had given her after seven years of infertility, IUI, and IVF ended without a baby. This book helps women navigate identity, grief, purpose, relationships, and creating a meaningful life after infertility.
Read "So Now What?" here
Learn more about Thrive After Infertility, Lana's 12-week coaching program for women who are childless after infertility and ready to stop feeling stuck in grief, disconnected from themselves, and uncertain about the future.
Learn more about Thrive After Infertility
Schedule a free 45-minute Thrive Call with Lana to talk through where you are right now, what feels hardest about life after infertility, and what it could look like to begin moving forward without the children you dreamed of.
Schedule your free Thrive Call here
Follow Lana on Instagram for conversations about life after IVF failed, childlessness after infertility, aging without children, healing identity after infertility, and creating a meaningful future when motherhood did not happen.
Follow Lana on Instagram
Childless After Infertility? You Still Belong
If you've ever felt like everyone else moved forward after IVF while you were left trying to figure out where you fit… this episode is for you.
In Episode 205 of The "So Now What?" Podcast, Lana Manikowski shares a deeply personal recap of The Other's Day® weekend in Chicago, where women from 13 states gathered for connection, friendship, healing, and belonging after infertility and childlessness.
But this episode is about much more than a weekend event.
It's about what happens when you stop seeing yourself as the outsider.
You'll hear honest conversation about the emotional aftermath of infertility, the loneliness many women experience after fertility treatments end without a baby, and why so many women quietly question who they are now once the future they imagined never happened.
Lana shares: • Why Mother's Day weekend can feel emotionally exhausting when you are childless not by choice. • The hidden identity shifts that happen after IVF failed. • How infertility impacts friendships, marriage, confidence, and connection. • What it was like watching women who once felt disconnected instantly connect during The Other's Day® celebrations. • Why you already belong, even if motherhood didn't happen. • The emotional experience of meeting Thrive After Infertility clients in person after years of coaching together online. • Why healing is not about becoming someone different, but reconnecting to yourself and your life again. • How women are building meaningful, connected, joy-filled lives after infertility.
This episode is for you if: • You feel disconnected from friends after infertility. • Mother's Day still feels hard after IVF failed. • You wonder where you fit now that fertility treatments are over. • You are struggling to picture a meaningful future without children. • You want to feel connected, grounded, and hopeful again.
You are not broken. You are not behind. And you do not have to keep navigating this alone.
✨ Mentioned in this episode:
Join the waitlist for The Other's Day® 2027 in Chicago (May 7–8, 2027): The Other's Day® Waitlist
Participate in the confidential Northwestern University research study for women whose fertility treatment ended without a live birth: Northwestern Fertility Treatment Research Study
Schedule a free Thrive Call with Lana: Book a Thrive Call
Download the free guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless and How to Respond Get the Free Guide Here
Learn more about Thrive After Infertility
Connect with Lana on Instagram: Instagram @lana.manikowski
Belonging When You're Infertile and Childless What happens when fertility treatments end and there's no baby?
It's a question that rarely gets discussed in the infertility world, yet it's the reality so many women face after IVF fails, fertility treatments end, or you make the painful decision to stop trying.
In this episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast, I'm sharing the exact speech I recently gave at the Seeds of Hope Fertility Luncheon.
What made this event especially powerful is that many women in the room ultimately became mothers after infertility. Their stories looked different than mine, but so many came up to me afterward and said:
"I've never thought about what happens when fertility treatment ends without a baby."
And that's exactly why this conversation matters.
If you're infertile and childless, navigating life after IVF failed, or trying to figure out how to rebuild your identity when motherhood didn't happen, this episode will remind you that you still belong.
In this episode, you'll hear:
• Why there's a major gap in fertility care when treatment ends without a live birth.
• Details about the new research study I'm supporting with Northwestern University focused on women whose fertility treatments ended without a baby.
• Why being handed brochures for adoption, donor eggs, or more treatment is not the same as actual support.
• The friendship brunch moment that made me question whether I still belonged.
• Why so many women feel like motherhood is what makes them feel relevant or included in adulthood.
• How one of my clients stopped disappearing from her own life after infertility.
• Why creating new traditions and redefining your future matters when motherhood is no longer part of your path.
• Why I created The Other's Day® for women who need a place to belong around Mother's Day.
• How to stop waiting for life to begin and start creating a life you feel proud of.
Your story may not look like what you planned.
That does not make your life any less meaningful.
And it absolutely does not make you any less worthy of belonging.
Links Mentioned in This Episode Participate in the Northwestern Research Study This anonymous survey is open worldwide for women whose fertility treatments ended without a live birth. It takes about 20 minutes. https://redcap.nubic.northwestern.edu/redcap/surveys/?s=LM4TX4MJN3HRR7ER
Get Tickets to The Other's Day® (May 8–9 in Chicago) Friday: The Foundation (yoga, guided meditation + sound bath) Saturday: The Other's Day® Brunch Attend one event or both. https://lanamanikowski.com/othersday
Read Chapter 1 of "So Now What?" https://lana-manikowski.myflodesk.com/chapter1
Buy "So Now What?" https://www.lanamanikowski.com/book
Free Guide: Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless https://lana-manikowski.myflodesk.com/thingspeoplesay
Book a Thrive Call https://calendly.com/lanamanikowski/strategy-session
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/lana.manikowski/
TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@lana.manikowski
YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@lana.manikowski
If this episode resonated with you, share it with another woman navigating infertility, IVF failed cycles, or life after fertility treatments end.
And if you haven't already, please rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts and Spotify so more women searching for support after infertility can find this conversation.
I hope you have a beautiful week. I love you, and remember that it's never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
If you've ever felt like friendships got harder after infertility, you're not imagining it.
When IVF failed and your life didn't include children, you didn't just lose the dream of motherhood. You also lost the built-in ways friendships often form.
No school drop-offs. No sports schedules. No automatic community.
So now you're left wondering… how do you actually make meaningful friendships as a childless woman?
In this episode, you hear a real, honest conversation about what it looks like to create connection when your life doesn't follow the traditional path.
💛 What You'll Learn in This Episode
- Why friendships can feel more complicated when you're childless after infertility
- The hidden ways IVF failed can impact your sense of belonging
- How to form real friendships with other childless women, even online
- The key to building connection as an adult
- What it looks like to turn Instagram connections into real-life friendships
- How to stop waiting for connection and start creating it
🌿 Meet Melissa Miller @autoimmuneresilience on IG
Melissa Miller joins this episode to share her experience of becoming childless not by choice after years of infertility, IVF, and surrogacy.
After leaving fertility treatments without a baby, she found herself asking the same question so many women do:
Where are the others like me?
What she discovered was a community of women who are building full, connected, meaningful lives without children and creating friendships that feel just as deep, if not deeper, than the ones they expected to have.
✨ The Other's Day® — Chicago (May 8–9, 2026)
If you've been craving connection with other women who don't have kids, this is where it happens.
The Other's Day® is a two-day experience created specifically for women who are childless, whether by choice or not, to feel welcomed, connected, and completely themselves.
🌿 Friday, May 8 — The Foundation A restorative evening designed to help you arrive into Other's Day weekend feeling grounded and supported.
You'll experience:
- Beginner-friendly yoga
- Guided meditation
- A sound bath experience
🥂 Saturday, May 9 — The Other's Day® Brunch in Chicago The signature experience where women gather, connect, and leave feeling like they belong.
You'll walk into a room where:
- No one asks if you have kids
- No one assumes your life is easier
- You don't have to explain your story
👉 Get your Chicago tickets here: https://lanamanikowski.com/othersday/
🌿 Seattle Other's Day® Brunch (Hosted by Melissa Miller)
Seattle gathering is hosted by Melissa Miller, an Other's Day® Ambassador bringing this experience to the Pacific Northwest.
📅 Date: May 9, 2026 ⏰ Time: 11:00 AM – 2:00 PM 📍 Location: The Locöl Kitchen & Bar 7902 35th Ave SW West Seattle
You'll enjoy a private brunch experience with meaningful connection, great food, and a room full of women who understand life without children.
👉 Reserve your spot in Seattle: https://lana-manikowski.myflodesk.com/seattlebrunch
🔗 Resources & Links
- Chicago Other's Day® Tickets: https://lanamanikowski.com/othersday/
- Seattle Other's Day® Brunch: https://lana-manikowski.myflodesk.com/seattlebrunch
- Free Guide: Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless 👉 Get the free guide here: https://lana-manikowski.myflodesk.com/thingspeoplesay
- Book: "So Now What?" 👉 Learn more or grab your copy: https://www.lanamanikowski.com/book
💬 A Thought to Take With You
Friendships don't have to look the way you thought they would.
You don't need kids to create meaningful, lasting connections.
Sometimes it starts with a message. Sometimes it starts with showing up.
🎧 Loved This Episode?
Follow the podcast so you don't miss what's next.
And if this episode resonated, share it with another woman navigating life after IVF failed who's ready to feel more connected.
If you went through IVF or fertility treatments and didn't leave with a baby, you already know this part of the story.
The treatments end… and then what?
No follow-up. No plan. No one checking in to ask how you're doing after years of trying.
In this episode, you hear the truth that so many women experience but rarely say out loud. When fertility treatment ends without a baby, you are often left to figure out your life on your own.
You'll hear why this gap in care exists, how it impacts women who are childless after infertility, and most importantly, how you now have the opportunity to help change it.
This episode introduces a research study from Northwestern University that is focused on understanding what actually happens after fertility treatment ends without a live birth.
Because your experience matters. And it's time it was counted.
💡 In This Episode, You'll Hear: * What really happens after IVF failed and treatment ends * Why women who are childless after infertility are often left without support * The gap in fertility care that no one is tracking or measuring * How your experience can directly influence future patient care * Why taking 20 minutes to share your story can create real change
🎯 Why This Matters for You You spent years navigating fertility treatments, appointments, and uncertainty.
When it ended, you were expected to move on without guidance.
This study is your chance to make sure that experience is no longer ignored.
When your voice is included in research, it helps shape how clinics support women in the future so they are not left asking the same question you once did:
So now what?
🔗 Take the Survey If this is your experience, take the survey today.
👉 https://redcap.nubic.northwestern.edu/redcap/surveys/?s=LM4TX4MJN3HRR7ER
💛 Resources for You ✨ Download: The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless (and How to Respond) Get the free guide here: https://lana-manikowski.myflodesk.com/thingspeoplesay
✨ Book a Thrive Call https://calendly.com/lanamanikowski/strategy-session
✨ Read Chapter 1 of "So Now What?" https://lana-manikowski.myflodesk.com/chapter1
📊 RESEARCH STUDY — Participants Invited Northwestern University researchers are conducting a research study to understand the experiences and support needs of women whose fertility treatment ended without a live birth.
Study: "A Needs Assessment of Women Who Remain Childless Following Infertility Treatment" IRB #: STU00225720 Principal Investigator: Susan C. Klock, PhD
You may be eligible if you: • Are 18+ years old and were biologically female at birth • Previously underwent fertility treatment without a live birth • Are currently childless and not planning additional treatment • Can read and understand English
Participation: • Confidential online survey (~20 minutes) • Voluntary • No compensation
Take the survey: https://redcap.nubic.northwestern.edu/redcap/surveys/?s=LM4TX4MJN3HRR7ER
Questions? Alexandra Herweck, MD, MPH | alexandra.herweck@nm.org PI: Susan C. Klock, PhD | 312-695-9939
This is a research study conducted through Northwestern University. This study has been reviewed and approved by the Northwestern University Institutional Review Board.
Rebuilding Trust With Your Body After Infertility When IVF Failed (with Holly Perkins) When IVF failed and fertility treatments ended without a baby, you did not just lose a dream. You often lost trust in your body.
After years of hormones, medical procedures, weight changes, and emotional whiplash, it can feel almost impossible to want to care for yourself again. Movement can feel loaded. Exercise can feel like punishment. And sometimes the quiet thought underneath it all is:
Why should I take care of you?
In Episode 200, you are getting a grounded, practical conversation about rebuilding your relationship with your body after infertility.
You will hear from Holly Perkins, a women's fitness expert with 30 years of experience helping women build strength through science-backed, sustainable approaches designed for women in their 30s, 40s, and beyond. This is not about chasing a smaller number on the scale. This is about strength, muscle, metabolism, bone health, and feeling better in your body after everything it has been through.
If caring for your body has felt complicated since IVF failed, this episode is for you.
What You Will Learn * Why it makes sense that self-care feels hard after fertility treatments end. * How emotional healing and physical strength support each other. * Why "just lose weight" is not the right goal after hormone disruption. * What happens to muscle and metabolism in your 40s and 50s. * Why muscle is more important than the scale for long-term health. * How strength training supports bone density and aging well. * What a realistic starting point looks like when you have felt disconnected from your body.
A Message You Might Need to Hear You are not broken because it feels hard to care for your body right now.
When IVF failed, your body can start to feel like the enemy. This conversation helps you shift from punishment to partnership so you can rebuild trust in a way that feels steady and sustainable.
Join Holly's Free 3-Day Workshop: Muscle for Life If you are ready for practical guidance on building strength in a way that fits your life, Holly is offering a free 3-day workshop called Muscle for Life. It starts March 5, 2026!
Inside the workshop, you will learn:
- Why BMI and body weight are outdated metrics.
- How to think about muscle-to-fat ratio instead of just the scale.
- The strength training principles that matter most for women over 30.
- How to support bone density and long-term health.
- Nutrition strategies that support blood sugar, energy, and metabolism.
You can register for FREE here:
👉 https://www.hollyperkins.com/lana
This is the direct link to save your seat.
About Holly Perkins Holly Perkins, BS, CSCS, CISSN is an established expert and thought leader in women's health. For 30 years, she has guided thousands of women through physical performance, nutrition, and mindset management. She is the author of Lift to Get Lean, and her upcoming book Muscle & Bone will be released in early 2026.
Additional Resources Free guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless (and How to Respond) Get it here: https://lanamanikowski.com/thingspeoplesay
If this episode resonated with you, subscribe to The "So Now What?" Podcast so you do not miss what is coming next. You can rebuild trust with your body after infertility when IVF failed. And you can do it without turning your life into another thing to perfect.
I hope you have a beautiful week. I love you, and remember that it's never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week!
When you're childless after IVF failed, life can look steady on the outside.
You go to work. You answer emails. You show up to events. You keep functioning.
But inside, something feels different.
You might find yourself thinking, "I don't know how to enjoy being me anymore."
When fertility treatments end without a baby, people assume the hardest part is over. The injections stop. The appointments end. The constant waiting slows down.
But when you're childless after IVF failed, this is often when the identity questions begin.
Who am I now? What does my future look like? How do I build a meaningful life when motherhood didn't happen?
In this episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast, we talk about:
- Why life can feel directionless after IVF failed
- What disenfranchised grief really means when you never had a positive pregnancy test
- Why comparison feels louder when you are childless after infertility
- How grief quietly takes up space in everyday moments
- Why performing strength keeps you disconnected from yourself
- Small, practical ways to rebuild trust and enjoyment
When you're childless after IVF failed, your grief is valid.
Even if there was never a pregnancy. Even if there was never a baby to hold. Even if no one around you recognizes it as a loss.
Enjoying being you again does not mean you are leaving the dream of motherhood behind.
It means you are learning how to live alongside what you lost.
You are allowed to feel steadiness. You are allowed to feel relief. You are allowed to build something meaningful in this life.
Join Me in Chicago: The Other's Day® Brunch If you're ready to connect with other women who are also childless after infertility, The Other's Day® Brunch was created for you.
Happening May 8–9 in Chicago, this two-day experience is designed specifically for women without children. It's about connection, meaning, and walking into a room where no one asks how many kids you have.
Learn more here: 👉 https://lanamanikowski.com/othersday
Free Guide: What to Say When You're Childless If you are tired of awkward comments and unsolicited advice about becoming a mom, download your free copy of:
The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless (and How to Respond)
Get it here: 👉 https://lana-manikowski.myflodesk.com/thingspeoplesay
When you're childless after IVF failed, your story is not over.
You are still becoming. You are still building. And you are still allowed to enjoy being you.
When IVF ends without a baby, life does not always fall apart.
Sometimes it goes quiet.
You may still be showing up to work, keeping plans, and getting through your days, yet something feels off. You are functioning, but not fully connected to your life.
In this episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast, you are introduced to the concept of a grief plateau and why it is so common for women who are childless not by choice after infertility and IVF failed.
A grief plateau explains why life can feel paused after fertility treatments end. Not dramatic grief. Not constant sadness. But a flat, stuck feeling that is hard to name and even harder to explain to others.
This episode helps you understand what may be happening beneath the surface and why it makes sense, given everything you have been through.
In this episode, you will learn: * What a grief plateau is and how it shows up after IVF failed. * Why many women feel "off" after infertility even when life looks fine on the outside. * How years of fertility treatments affect your body, brain, and sense of safety. * Why staying busy, feeling numb, or avoiding big dreams can be a form of protection. * How losing the dream of motherhood can leave your future feeling unclear. * Why understanding where you are matters before trying to move forward.
This episode is for you if: * You left fertility treatments without a baby and feel disconnected from yourself. * Life feels stuck or paused after IVF failed. * You are tired of being told to move on or look on the bright side. * You want language that makes sense of life after infertility.
This is not an episode about fixing yourself or rushing into a new version of life. It is about naming an experience many women have but rarely hear explained.
Resource mentioned in this episode: Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless and How to Respond A free guide to help you navigate uncomfortable comments and advice after infertility. Get the free guide here.
If life feels quiet after IVF failed and you do not know why, this episode will help you understand what you may be standing in right now.
Childfree or Childless? You Get to Decide What That Means If you don't have kids, you've probably noticed the words childfree and childless everywhere.
They show up on social media, in podcasts, in articles, in movies, and in conversations about women's lives after infertility. And even if no one has ever asked you directly how you identify, you've likely felt something when you hear those terms used.
Maybe you pause. Maybe you feel tension. Maybe you think, I don't know how I feel about that.
In this episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast, you slow that moment down and look at what's really happening underneath the words.
This conversation is not about choosing the "right" label. It is about understanding the meaning you are giving to the terms childfree and childless, and deciding whether that meaning actually supports the woman you are becoming after infertility or IVF did not result in a child.
You explore why identity feels so tender after fertility treatments end, why language can feel so loaded, and how a single word can start to feel like it is being asked to explain your grief, your growth, your peace, and your future all at once.
In this episode, you will hear:
- Why the term childfree can feel empowering for some women and completely misaligned for others.
- Why the word childless can feel truthful while still carrying old stories of disappointment or being perceived as less than.
- How some women reclaim their lives without kids by changing the word they use.
- How other women reclaim their lives without kids by keeping the same word and changing what it means to them.
- Why you are not reacting to the word itself, but to the meaning you believe the word gives you.
- How you get to decide how much power any label has over you.
You will also hear Lana share why she personally identifies as childless, and how that word honors the truth of wanting motherhood while still reflecting a full, meaningful life without children.
Most importantly, this episode reminds you that whether you identify as childfree or childless, you have permission to feel proud of the woman you are. Proud of how you kept going. Proud of how you learned to hold complexity. Proud of the life you are building, even if it looks different than you once imagined.
You are not your terminology. You are not unfinished. You are not behind. You are not less than.
You are whole.
Links and Resources Mentioned in This Episode
The Other's Day® Brunch A beautiful, connective event for women without children, happening May 9, with a special Friday night experience added this year. Check for updates or join the waitlist here: 👉 https://lanamanikowski.com/othersday
Free Resource: Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless and How to Respond If you have ever found yourself navigating unsolicited advice, intrusive questions, or "helpful" suggestions about becoming a mom, this guide is for you. Download it for free here: 👉 https://lanamanikowski.com/thingspeoplesay
If this episode resonated with you, make sure you are subscribed to The "So Now What?" Podcast so you do not miss future conversations about navigating life after infertility and building a meaningful, grounded future without the children you dreamed of.
I hope you have a beautiful week. I love you, and remember that it is never too late to discover your meaning.
What Happens When the Future You Planned Doesn't Happen When fertility treatments end without a baby, you don't just grieve the child you hoped for. You grieve the future you were building your life around.
In this episode of The So Now What? Podcast, you explore post-traumatic growth after infertility and why it matters for women who are childless not by choice. Not in a toxic-positivity way. Not as a lesson you were supposed to learn. But as a way to understand what happens after years of trying, waiting, and living in a fertility holding pattern.
If you've ever thought, I'm not the same person I was before IVF, this episode helps you understand why—and what becomes possible next.
In this episode, you'll hear: * Why infertility and fertility treatments do count as trauma, even if no one ever named it that way * How years of IVF, IUI, medical procedures, and waiting shaped your nervous system and identity * Why the end of fertility treatments feels so disorienting, not just sad * What post-traumatic growth actually means and what it does not mean * The seismic "rebuild" moment that happens when the life you planned no longer exists * The five areas where post-traumatic growth often shows up after infertility * Why growth is optional, not required, and only happens when you feel safe enough * How to move forward without erasing your dream of motherhood or minimizing what you endured * What it looks like to find a starting point again after the fertility holding pattern ends
Why post-traumatic growth matters after infertility You didn't go through infertility to grow. You didn't suffer for a reason. And you don't need to reframe your loss to justify moving forward.
Post-traumatic growth simply explains what happens when your assumptions about the future break and you're left asking, So now what?
This episode helps you see that wanting forward movement does not mean you're forgetting what mattered. It means you're ready to stop living in permanent disappointment and start building a life that feels connected, grounded, and meaningful—on your terms.
Thrive After Infertility This episode reflects the core work you do inside Thrive After Infertility, the coaching program created for women who have completed fertility treatments and are ready to stop feeling incomplete because fertility treatments failed.
Inside Thrive, you learn how to:
- Move out of the fertility holding pattern
- Reconnect with your body and nervous system
- Navigate relationships in a world full of parents
- Create meaning and direction for the decades ahead
Growth doesn't come from time passing. It comes from learning how to intentionally rebuild after loss.
Free resource mentioned in this episode If you've ever been told, "You can always adopt," or "Everything happens for a reason," and didn't know how to respond, download the free guide:
The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless (and How to Respond) 👉 Get the free guide here: lana-manikowski.com/thingspeoplesay
If you're childless after infertility and growing older feels unsettling, this episode invites you to move from fear to intention and imagine a future that feels grounded and meaningful.
Childlessness after infertility and growing older can bring up fears you never expected to carry. When motherhood didn't happen, aging is often framed as something to brace for rather than something you get to shape. In this episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast, you're invited to move from fear to intention as you explore what it means to grow older without children, reconnect with your body after IVF failed, and begin imagining a future that feels meaningful, grounded, and entirely your own.
This episode was inspired by a simple question I overheard while out to dinner: Has getting old been like you expected it would be? For women who are childless after infertility, that question can land deeply. Not because aging itself is the problem, but because the future no longer comes with a default storyline.
Together, we talk honestly about the physical fears of aging, the existential questions that surface when IVF fails, and how reaction mode can quietly shrink your sense of possibility. Most importantly, you'll be invited to consider what it might look like to participate in your future, rather than brace for it.
This conversation isn't about having all the answers. It's about giving yourself permission to imagine again.
In this episode, you'll explore: * Why growing older without children is often framed through fear * The physical aging fears many women carry after infertility and why they make sense * How fertility treatments can leave you feeling disconnected from your body * What existential fear really means when motherhood didn't happen * The difference between bracing for the future and imagining it * Why reaction mode helped you survive infertility but doesn't have to be permanent * How childless women often have more agency than they realize when it comes to aging * Questions to help you begin envisioning a future that feels intentional and grounded
If growing older feels scary right now If thinking about aging without children brings up tightness, fear, or a sense of "I don't even know where to begin," you're not doing anything wrong. You've already had to let go of a future you worked hard for. It makes sense that imagining what comes next feels complicated.
That's exactly why I offer Thrive Calls.
🌿 Book a free 45-minute Thrive Call A Thrive Call is a free, 45-minute conversation where we slow everything down and talk honestly about what you want your life to feel like now and as you get older.
You don't need a full plan. You don't need clarity before you book. You just need a place to start imagining instead of bracing.
👉 Book your Thrive Call here!
📘 Free resource for navigating difficult conversations If you're also navigating intrusive or exhausting conversations about motherhood, infertility, or "what's next," I created a free guide many women find grounding.
The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless (and How to Respond) This guide helps you respond without overexplaining, spiraling, or losing your cool.
👉 Get the free guide here: https://lana-manikowski.myflodesk.com/thingspeoplesay
Final reflection Aging without kids doesn't automatically mean loneliness or decline. It means you get to be intentional in ways most people never have to consider.
You get to decide what matters. You get to decide where your energy goes. You get to decide who you're becoming.
Not someday. Now.
I hope you have a beautiful week. I love you, and remember that it's never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
When IVF Failed and Time Didn't Fix It: Healing the Loss of Motherhood You were told time would heal this.
That if you just waited long enough, the pain of leaving IVF without a baby would soften. That eventually the anger, loneliness, and grief around the dream of motherhood would fade on their own.
But if you're childless after infertility, you already know the truth. The calendar didn't fix it.
In this episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast, you explore why time alone doesn't heal the loss of motherhood when IVF failed and why that doesn't mean something is wrong with you. You'll hear why these feelings resurface again and again during emotionally charged moments like Christmas, birthdays, Mother's Day, and year-end milestones and why waiting quietly can start to cost you more than you realize.
This episode is for you if you're childless not by choice, navigating life after IVF failed, and wondering why time hasn't brought the peace everyone promised.
In this episode, you'll explore: Why time doesn't heal the loss of motherhood after IVF failed
Why infertility grief is cyclical, not seasonal
How holidays, birthdays, and Mother's Day can reopen the wound
Why "just moving on" can disconnect you from yourself
What actually helps you heal and move forward after infertility
Ready to stop waiting and start feeling better now? ✨ Glow Up Sessions If you want focused, one-on-one support around one specific issue like navigating the holidays, preparing for family gatherings, handling intrusive comments, or getting grounded before the new year, a Glow Up session is a powerful place to start. 👉 Book a Glow Up session NOW!
ow is the perfect time to think about how you want to enter the new year and how you want to feel in your life moving forward.
✨ Book a Thrive Call HERE! A one-on-one conversation to map out what healing and meaning can look like for you after IVF failed.
✨ Free Resource: What to Say When People Don't Get It Download Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless and How to Respond HERE, so you're not caught off guard by intrusive or unhelpful comments.
When you are childless after infertility, the holiday season can feel like a spotlight you never asked for. Everyone has an opinion about your fertility decisions. Everyone has a suggestion about what you should have done. And somehow every gathering becomes an open invitation for people to ask about baby news, adoption, donor eggs, or why you stopped trying.
In this week's episode, you learn how to stay grounded, confident, and steady when holiday opinions collide with the decisions you made after IVF Failed. You discover how to trust your intuition again and how to walk into December without feeling like you owe anyone an explanation.
This episode is for you if • you are childless after infertility • you ended fertility treatments and people still question why • you feel pressure during family gatherings • you struggle with unsolicited advice about adoption, donor eggs, donor sperm, surrogacy, or "trying again" • you want to feel connected to the holidays without feeling triggered • you want to walk into gatherings feeling prepared instead of anxious
Inside the episode, you will learn • why holiday comments land so hard for women who are childless not by choice • how lifelong conditioning leads you to second guess your decisions • why your inner knowing is wiser than outside opinions • what to tell yourself when someone questions your fertility choices • how to feel empowered about the decisions you made when your fertility journey ended without a baby • how to walk into December feeling solid and sure of yourself
If you are already bracing for the questions and opinions, I have two things that will support you through this season.
Glow Up Sessions: Personalized Holiday Support These private sessions help you • practice what you want to say • stay grounded during conversations • feel confident about your decisions • handle family dynamics with clarity and calm
These are one on one coaching sessions at a discounted rate for December.
Book your Glow Up Session here!
Register NOW! Free Masterclass on December 16 Handling the Holidays: Managing Your Family, Traditions, and Celebrations Without Kids Tuesday, December 16 11:30 AM Central
In this class you learn how to • handle family gatherings when you are childless after infertility • navigate traditions that feel painful because you do not have kids to pass them onto • stay centered when everything around you feels kid focused • make space for your own joy this holiday season
Register for the free class: https://meet.google.com/occ-gnzy-sdt (If you want a registration page link instead of a direct meet link, tell me and I will swap it.)
Mentioned in this Episode Download the Top 27 Things People Say When You Are Childless and How to Respond https://lana-manikowski.com/thingspeoplesay
Connect With Me
Website https://www.lanamanikowski.com
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/lana.manikowski
TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@lana.manikowski
YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@lana.manikowski
If you loved this episode Please subscribe, rate, and review the podcast. It helps other women who are childless after infertility discover this space and find the support they never received from their clinic once treatment ended.
Episode 192: How Childless Women Can Navigate the Holidays Ahead
The holiday season can feel emotionally heavy when you're childless after infertility. In this episode, Lana explains why Thanksgiving and Christmas can stir up overwhelm, anxiety, numbness, and confusion when you always imagined this season with a child of your own. You'll learn how your brain and nervous system respond during this time of year, why nothing about your reaction means you're doing anything wrong, and how to feel more grounded and supported as the holidays approach.
The holidays can feel complicated when you're childless after infertility. That knot in your stomach during Thanksgiving or Christmas is not your imagination. Whether you are done with fertility treatments, still navigating IVF or IUI, or childless by circumstance, this season can shine a spotlight on the life you thought you would be living by now.
In this episode, you learn why the holidays often stir up so much emotion and why nothing about your experience means you're doing anything wrong. You'll understand how your brain and nervous system interpret this season, why old neural pathways get activated, and why your reactions are very normal for women who are childless after infertility or childless not by choice.
Inside the episode, you'll learn: • How neural pathways built during your fertility journey impact your holidays • Why unpredictability around the holidays activates your nervous system • Why numbness is normal when the season feels emotionally loaded • Why family gatherings can trigger isolation even when you're loved • How to stop blaming yourself for how you feel this time of year • How to stay grounded when traditions center around children • Why you don't have to sit out of Christmas just because you don't have kids
If you want real tools and support to help you feel more prepared and confident this year, join my free live class on Tuesday, December 16 at 11:30 AM Central:
How to Deal with Your Family, Create Traditions, and Manage Celebrations Without Kids Register here!
You deserve to feel grounded, steady, and in control of the rooms you walk into this season.
And if you want help responding to the comments people make when they don't understand your experience, download my free guide HERE! The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless and How to Respond.
How to Feel Like You Belong Again When You Are Childless After Infertility
If you have ever walked into a room and instantly wondered where you fit, this episode is going to speak directly to you. When you are childless after infertility or you are still in the middle of your fertility journey, it can feel like everyone around you is living a chapter you hoped would be yours. Conversations about kids, family schedules and milestones can leave you feeling two inches outside the circle and unsure how to take your place in the room.
In this episode, you learn why this happens and how to reconnect with yourself so you can walk into any space with confidence and grounding. You will understand why your nervous system reacts before your mind catches up, why belonging feels harder when your story looks different, and how the lack of support after IVF failed can shape the way you show up socially. You will also hear how public conversations about infertility, including the reaction to Jennifer Aniston's story, influence the way you protect yourself in group settings.
This episode teaches you how to honor your own experience and how to show up without shrinking or pretending. You will learn four ways to lead with connection so you can feel steady and comfortable in rooms that once felt overwhelming. You will walk away knowing how to stay anchored in who you are becoming and how to trust your own voice so you can feel a sense of belonging again, even when the conversations around you do not reflect your life.
If you are ready to feel grounded in social spaces again and to rebuild a future beyond infertility that actually feels meaningful, this episode will support you every step of the way.
Resources mentioned in this episode
Thrive After Infertility - My 12 week coaching program for women who are childless after infertility and IVF
Book a Thrive Call - Ready to spend the best 45 minutes you've spent this year? Book a free Thrive Call woith me. We will get a plan together for what is next for you now that IVF is over.
Download your free guide The Top 27 Things People Say When You Are Childless (...and How to Respond)
Connect with me Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lana.manikowski TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@lana.manikowski YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@lana.manikowski
I hope this episode helps you feel more grounded and more seen as you walk into the rooms that matter to you.
Infertility and Imposter Syndrome- When You Wonder If You Really Belong Have you ever walked into a room and instantly questioned whether you belonged there? That is exactly what happened to me t at the annual meeting of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) in San Antonio. I was surrounded by fertility doctors, clinic directors, psychologists, and researchers, all experts in reproductive medicine. And for a moment, that familiar voice whispered, Who do you think you are?
In this episode, I am taking you behind the scenes of what it felt like to show up as a woman who is childless after infertility in a space that rarely represents us. You will hear how I faced imposter syndrome, found my voice, and ended up speaking on stage about the one topic that almost no one else was addressing: what happens when IVF fails and you leave fertility treatment without a baby.
You will learn:
- Why imposter syndrome often shows up after infertility or IVF fails
- How to recognize the lies your brain tells you when you start something new
- The powerful shift that helped me turn self doubt into purpose
- What happened when fertility doctors lined up to thank me for speaking out
- How you can use the same coaching tools I did to quiet the voice that says you are not enough
If you have ever thought, no one will care what I have to say or I am not qualified to lead this conversation, this episode is your reminder that your story matters. You do not have to be a doctor to create change. You only need to be brave enough to show up.
Mentioned in this episode Free Guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You Are Childless And How to Respond Join our community: Childless After Infertility on Skool Learn more about my coaching program: Thrive After Infertility
Whether you are sitting in a clinic waiting room or walking into a professional space wondering if you belong, this episode will remind you that your voice is needed. You are not a failed fertility patient. You are a woman who lived through what most people cannot imagine and still found the courage to keep showing up.
Episode 189 | Childless After Infertility: The Shift That Changes Everything
What if you could stop living in regret after infertility and start creating a life that feels amazing to wake up to?
In this episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast, Lana Manikowski shares the realization that changed everything: the moment she stopped identifying as a victim of infertility and began shaping a new story for her life after IVF failed.
If you have ever wondered whether it is possible to feel fulfilled without motherhood, this episode will show you how. You will learn how to shift your mindset from loss to ownership, reconnect with your body, and rediscover your power to create joy and meaning again, even in a world that revolves around parenthood.
💬 Join My Skool Community: Childless After Infertility If you are ready to move beyond grief and step into growth, come join Childless After Infertility, Lana's new online community for women who are ready to grow beyond the pain of infertility. If you join now it is free!
Skool is a private online platform where you can connect, learn, and grow together without the noise, ads, or distractions of social media. It combines the best parts of a classroom and a community so everything we discuss stays focused and meaningful.
This is not a support group. It is a growth group for women who want to create what comes next. 👉 Join Childless After Infertility on Skool
Explore Coaching that Works: Thrive After Infertility
If you are ready for personal support, Thrive After Infertility is Lana's 12-week coaching program that helps you rebuild trust with your body, strengthen your relationships, and create meaningful milestones beyond motherhood.
📘 Free Resource: The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless (and How to Respond)
Tired of awkward questions and unsolicited advice? Get your free guide to navigate those conversations with confidence and authenticity. Download it here
🩵 In This Episode, You'll Learn
- How to stop identifying as a victim of infertility.
- Why letting go of regret is essential for healing beyond childlessness.
- The mindset shift that helps you thrive after IVF fails.
- How to find connection and purpose without motherhood.
- What makes the Childless After Infertility community different from a support group or Facebook group.
🎧 Listen and Subscribe
If you have found the content of this podcast to be helpful, please subscribe to the show and leave a review to help more women find hope and community after infertility.
Learn how to leave a podcast rating and review HERE!
When IVF Fails: How to Ask Your Fertility Clinic for the Support You Still Need
When IVF fails, it can feel like your clinic disappears but you still deserve care. In this episode, learn how to ask for what you need from your fertility doctor even after fertility treatment ends. Discover how to advocate for yourself, share resources, and help your clinic better support women who are childless after infertility.
If your fertility treatment ended without the baby you dreamed of, you are not alone and you are not forgotten.
In this episode of The So Now What Podcast, host Lana Manikowski shares how to ask for what you need from your fertility clinic or doctor even after IVF fails. Whether you are still in treatment, deciding what is next, or already navigating life without children, you will learn how to take action, reclaim your voice, and inspire change inside the fertility industry.
You will discover how to ✅ Ask for acknowledgment and emotional support from your clinic even months or years later ✅ Write a compassionate message to your IVF nurse, patient coordinator, or doctor ✅ Share what helped you heal so your feedback can support future patients ✅ Turn pain into purpose and become part of the change in fertility care for women who are childless after infertility
When fertility treatment ends without a baby, silence from your clinic can feel like abandonment. But that silence does not mean you were unimportant. It means the system is incomplete. And systems change when you speak up.
Lana offers a simple message template you can use to reach out to your clinic and invites you to take one small, brave step toward creating the care you and other women deserve.
Your story still matters. You are not invisible. You are part of the change that can make fertility care more human, compassionate, and complete.
Mentioned in this episode
- Listen to Episode 187 IVF Failed A Fertility Doctor's Thoughts About What Happens Next
- Free Guide The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless and How to Respond
- Book a Thrive Call to create your plan for thriving after infertility
IVF Failed: A Fertility Doctor’s Thoughts About What Comes Next When IVF fails, both patients and doctors are left asking, “What now?” In this conversation, infertility and life coach Lana Manikowski and fertility doctor Erica Bove, MD, explore what patients wish doctors understood after failed IVF, what doctors feel but rarely say, and how to create support and meaning after infertility.
When IVF failed, you were not just handed a result. You were handed decisions with very little support. If you have ever left a fertility clinic wondering whether your fertility doctor truly saw your pain or what to do next, this episode will help you feel seen while considering the language to ask for the support you need.
In this conversation, I am joined by Erica Bove, MD, a double board certified OB GYN and Reproductive Endocrinologist at the University of Vermont. She is also the CEO and founder of Love and Science: Thriving Through Infertility. Dr. Bove has experienced both sides of treatment as a fertility doctor and as a fertility patient. Together, we explore what women wish their doctors understood after a failed IVF cycle, what doctors wish their patients knew, and how to create continuity of care when treatment ends without a baby.
In this episode, you will learn: * How both patients and doctors grieve when IVF does not work and why compassion on both sides matters. * The post fertility treatment support you told me you needed most such as exit appointments, follow-up calls, therapy or coaching referrals, peer connection, and resources for life without children. * Why many fertility doctors are not trained to deliver difficult news and how clinics can improve communication. * How Dr. Bove coaches physicians through their own fertility journeys to help them practice with more empathy and confidence. * Ways to redefine meaning and success after infertility so you can create a fulfilling life even if you are childless after infertility.
This episode is for you if: * You have finished fertility treatment without a baby and are unsure what comes next. * You want to feel acknowledged and supported by your fertility doctor and your clinic. * You are ready for community and guidance for life after infertility. * You are a fertility professional who wants to better understand the patient experience after failed IVF.
About Dr. Erica Bove Erica Bove, MD, is a double board-certified OB-GYN and Reproductive Endocrinologist (REI) at the University of Vermont. She is also the CEO and founder of Love and Science: Thriving Through Infertility. Dr. Bove combines an evidence-based approach with intuitive knowing in the context of a trusting relationship. She empowers professional women to build their families with confidence, self-compassion, and community. Her mission is to heal and support the healers and to create a legacy she is proud of.
- Website: loveandsciencefertility.com.
- Podcast: loveandsciencefertility.com/podcast.
- LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/erica-bove-0701a0173.
- Instagram: instagram.com/loveandsciencefertility.
- Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=61553692167183.
Resources mentioned * Love and Science: Thriving Through Infertility. A space for both patients and doctors to find connection and support. * Free guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond). * Thrive Call: Book your session to create a plan for what comes next.
Key timestamps * 00:00 Why this conversation matters when IVF fails. * 06:30 What patients wish their fertility doctors knew. * 18:40 How clinics can improve post treatment communication. * 28:10 What doctors feel when IVF does not work. * 36:15 How to find meaning and fulfillment after infertility.
You are not behind and you are not alone. Even without children, you can create a life you love and you deserve real support after treatment ends. Listen now to IVF Failed: A Fertility Doctor’s Thoughts About What Comes Next.
When you’re going through fertility treatments, you never imagine they will end without a baby. I didn’t. I believed that if I tried hard enough, followed every step, and stayed committed, eventually I would have the child I dreamed of. But when IVF failed and motherhood didn’t happen, I was completely unprepared and unsupported.
That gap, the silence that follows when treatments end without children, is why I became a member of ASRM, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, and serve in their Mental Health Providers group.
In October I am attending the ASRM annual congress with thousands of reproductive Endocrinologists, fertility doctors, IVF nurses, and fertility specialists from around the world. My mission is to make sure the voices of women who are childless after infertility are part of the conversation.
For an upcoming podcast episode I will be interviewing a fertility doctor who not only treats patients but has gone through IVF herself. This is your opportunity to shape that conversation.
✨ What do you wish you had received when you left treatments without a baby? ✨ Were you offered support, and if yes what was most helpful? ✨ If you weren’t, what do you think would have made the biggest difference? ✨ And what is one question you would love me to ask a fertility doctor about life after treatment?
👉 Share your input here: Fill out the form
Your name will never be used on the podcast, but if you’d like me to thank you personally you’ll have the option to share your name and email at the end.
Your experience matters. What you went through is real, and if I can help bridge your story with the professionals shaping fertility care, we can change the way life after infertility is understood and supported.
🔗 Related Episodes:
- Ep 147: Support After IVF - What Childless Women Really Want (click here to listen)
- Ep 146: Finding Closure After IVF (click here to listen)
💜 Free Resource: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond) → Click HERE!
Why does infertility feel so shameful? In this episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast, Lana Manikowski unpacks the weight of shame after IVF fails and motherhood does not happen.
She explains why shame shows up for women who are childless not by choice, why it is optional, and how you can release it. Learn four steps to stop carrying shame so you can feel grounded, confident, and whole in the life you are creating.
If you are childless after infertility, you may know the weight of shame all too well. Shame convinces you that you are the problem. That your body failed. That you let your husband or partner down. That you disappointed your parents by not giving them grandchildren. That your family name ends with you.
Shame after infertility is common, but here is the truth most women do not realize: shame is optional.
In this episode, I share why infertility feels so shameful, how shame sneaks into your identity, and why you do not have to carry it as part of who you are. I tell my own story of IVF failing me and the moment I believed I had let everyone down. I also share the four steps that helped me rewrite that story and start living without shame.
You will learn:
- Why shame shows up after infertility and IVF fails
- The difference between facts and the shame stories your brain creates
- How to talk back to shame so it no longer runs your life
- How to choose your own headline and live into your values
- What shifts when you stop letting infertility define your worth
When you release shame, you stop shrinking in family gatherings.
You stop questioning your marriage.
You begin to walk through the world with confidence and live as the whole, worthy woman you already are.
If you are tired of carrying shame for something you never chose, this episode is for you.
Read Chapter 1 of my bestselling book, "So Now What?" HERE.
📺 Watch the replay of the World Childless Week webinar I moderated: https://youtu.be/PZz_-H9A47U?feature=shared
💌 Free Resource: The Top 27 Things People Say When You Are Childless (...and How to Respond) Click here to download!
Tags infertility shame IVF failed childless after infertility shame after infertility why infertility feels shameful childless not by choice IVF shame infertility and identity healing after failed IVF infertility grief and shame childless woman support IVF did not work life after infertility stop infertility shame infertility podcast living childless after IVF overcoming shame after infertility infertility and womanhood IVF journey without baby thrive after infertility
How to tell your story with pride when IVF failed and you are living childless after infertility.
When IVF fails and motherhood did not happen, it is so easy to feel like your only option is to hide. You spent years doing everything you possibly could—fertility treatments, doctors’ appointments, lifestyle changes, endless waiting. You gave your body, your money, your heart, and your time to the dream of becoming a mom. And despite all of it, you find yourself living childless after infertility.
In those moments, it can feel impossible to talk about what really happened. Maybe you have learned to keep quiet because the pain feels too heavy. Maybe you are tired of comments like “You could always adopt” or “At least you can sleep in.” Maybe you worry about making others uncomfortable.
But here is the truth: hiding from your infertility story will never create the life you crave.
In this episode, I share why there is nothing more beautiful than telling your story, even when IVF failed and motherhood didn’t happen. I will show you how owning your infertility story changes the way you see yourself and how others see you, and how telling your story can open the door to a future that feels powerful, grounded, and deeply meaningful.
In this episode you will learn: * Why you can feel proud of your infertility story even if IVF failed * How hiding keeps you small and why telling your truth sets you free * What life can feel like when the question “Do you have kids” no longer holds power over you * How sharing your story helps you reconnect with your body, your friendships, and your future
You may not have the children you dreamed of, but you can still live a life that feels rich, purposeful, and joyful. Your story is not one of failure. Your story is one of strength. And there is nothing more beautiful than learning how to tell it.
🌟 Links Mentioned in This Episode * Register for my free masterclass (Wednesday 9/17): Things People Say When You Are Childless - click HERE * Join my World Childless Week webinar (Saturday, Sept 20): Register here * Download my free guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond) click HERE.
When IVF fails and you’re childless after infertility, people often try to cheer you up with “at least you can…” comments.
But what these comments really reveal is how uncomfortable our society is with sadness. In this episode, I share how a recent injury reminded me of that cultural reflex, why sadness is not a flaw, and how you can create room for both grief and growth as a childless woman.
Plus: details on my free class September 17 and my World Childless Week panel on September 20, Rediscovering Your Identity as a Childless Woman.
Sadness and Infertility: When It Feels Uncomfortable
Have you ever been told “At least you can travel” or “At least you don’t have to pay for college” after your IVF failed? If you’re childless after infertility, you know how painful and dismissive these “at least you can” comments feel. People think they’re comforting, but they rarely land that way.
In this week’s episode of The So Now What? Podcast, I explore what these comments really mean, why they don’t help, and how to stop internalizing the silent message they send — that sadness, disappointment, and grief are emotions you shouldn’t feel.
You’ll hear:
- Why people reach for “at least” comments and what it reveals about society’s discomfort with sadness
- How my nephew’s recent soccer injury reminded me of our instinct to erase someone else’s sadness
- The connection between these comments and what we hear when IVF fails
- Why sadness is not a flaw but proof that something mattered to you
- How to hold both infertility grief and the good that still exists in your life
- Why rediscovering your identity as a childless woman can shift your story from loss to strength
This episode also celebrates the 4-year anniversary of The So Now What? Podcast. Four years of creating a community for women who were left without resources after fertility treatments ended without a baby.
Free Resources & Upcoming Events
- Free Class: Wednesday, Sept 17: Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond Without Spiraling or Shutting Down). Morning/afternoon in the US, evening in Europe. Register here!
- World Childless Week: Saturday, Sept 20: I’m leading a panel called Rediscovering Your Identity as a Childless Woman at 8 AM CT / 2 PM BST. Join us live or catch the replay. Register here!
- Free Guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond) Download it for free. CLICK HERE!
☕ Help me celebrate 4 years of The “So Now What?” Podcast! If this podcast has supported you, would you leave a rating or review? Reviews help more women who are grieving infertility discover this resource.
As a thank-you, I’ll send you a $5 Starbucks gift card.
👉 Here’s how to claim it:
- Follow the step-by-step directions here to leave your rating or review. Take a screenshot once your review is posted.
- Email it to me here: hi@lanamanikowski.com
When I receive your screenshot, I’ll send you a Starbucks gift card as my thank-you for celebrating this milestone with me.
Sadness doesn’t mean you’re broken.
Grief after infertility is real, but it doesn’t define your whole story. Listen to Episode 183: Sadness and Infertility: When It Feels Uncomfortable to learn how to stop internalizing “at least you can” comments and start creating space for both your grief and your growth.
When IVF fails, your brain can feel like the enemy, spiraling with infertility triggers, constant comparison, and the grief of being childless after infertility. In this episode, you will discover why your brain reacts this way when fertility treatments do not work, and three simple practices to begin calming your mind and finding peace.
Have you ever felt fine one moment, and then a single pregnancy announcement, bump photo, or piece of unsolicited advice left you spiraling? If IVF failed you and you are now childless, your brain may feel like the enemy. But the truth is, your brain is just trying to protect you.
In Episode 182 of The “So Now What?” Podcast, you will discover why your brain works the way it does after infertility and how to start rewiring it so you can feel calmer, steadier, and more in control of your story.
You will learn:
- Why your “smoke alarm brain” gets so sensitive after IVF fails and infertility treatments end
- What it means to “name it” when you feel yourself reacting (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn)
- How to look for glimmers of safety that calm your nervous system faster than pep talks
- Why bridge thoughts are more believable and more healing than toxic positivity
- How shifting the way you respond to infertility triggers helps you reclaim peace and confidence in your childless life
Once you stop seeing your body and brain as the enemy, everything changes: your friendships, your marriage, your time, and your ability to create a meaningful future without children.
Announcements
🌍 World Childless Week On Saturday, September 20th at 2pm BST (8am CT / 9am ET) I am honored to be leading a panel: Rediscovering Your Identity as a Childless Woman.
Each panelist has walked a unique path through autoimmune conditions, male factor infertility, singlehood, and female factor infertility. Together, we will share reflections on moving from “hopeful mother” to confident women living life on our own terms.
This is not a conversation about what was lost. It is about what is possible. If you are ready to feel proud of the woman you are, with no disclaimers and no shame, this is for you. Register here
🎓 Free Live Masterclass I am hosting another session of Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond), this time scheduled to fit international listeners. It is happening on September 18th at 11:30am CT / 5:30pm BST.
This is a brand new class, not a replay. If you have ever frozen, shut down, or replayed conversations after someone made a comment about your childlessness, this live call will give you practical language and mindset tools to respond with confidence. Register here
Free Resource
Get my free guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond) Download your copy here
You do not have to stay stuck in autopilot reactions. Your brain is not broken, it just needs a new way forward. Tune in now to learn how to begin calming your brain after IVF fails so you can feel safe, steady, and proud of the life you are creating without children.
Episode 181: Childless Legacy – How to Create One If you are childless after infertility, what kind of legacy are you leaving?
When IVF, IUI, or years of trying to conceive did not lead to the family you dreamed of, it can feel like your story has nowhere to go. Like your legacy disappeared along with the possibility of motherhood. But what if you could create a legacy that does not depend on having a child?
In this episode of The “So Now What?” Podcast, Lana shares a deeply personal reflection on what legacy really means when you are childless not by choice. Inspired by her grandfather’s 118th birthday and the stories passed down about the life he lived, she challenges the belief that legacy begins when you are gone or only matters if you are remembered by children.
Your legacy is how you show up in your life today. It is how you treat yourself, how you treat others, and how you decide to keep living even when life turned out differently than you hoped.
In this episode, you will learn: * What a childless legacy really is, and why it matters now more than ever * Why waiting to be remembered is keeping you from feeling fulfilled * How to reflect your values in your day-to-day life * A new way to define meaning and purpose after infertility * Why you do not have to wait for someone else to tell your story * A challenge to start building your legacy now, not later
If you have ever wondered how to create a life that feels meaningful without the children you dreamed of, this episode will speak directly to you.
📅 Free Masterclass on August 26 “Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond)” Learn how to respond with calm, confidence, and clarity to the unsolicited comments and advice that often come your way after infertility. Register here!
🌟 Resources and Mentions * Free Guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless and How to Respond Download it here: lanamanikowski.com/thingspeoplesay * Join the Back-to-School Photo Challenge Tired of feeling invisible while everyone posts pictures of their kids? Post a photo of you and celebrate who you are in this season. Tag @lana.manikowski on Instagram to join the challenge. * Read the Book: So Now What? by Lana Manikowski – A guide for women living childless after infertility * Book a Thrive Call: If you are ready to stop wondering what is next and start shaping a life that feels good again, schedule your free Thrive Call here
You do not need a child to create a legacy. You just need to decide how you want to live yours.
Infertility and Othering: When You Don’t Belong Have you ever walked into a room and instantly thought, “I’m the only one here without kids”? That sinking feeling in your body is what is known as othering. Othering happens when you are seen, or you see yourself, as separate because you do not fit a societal mold.
If you are childless after infertility or your IVF journey ended without the child you dreamed of, you know how often othering can happen. You get left out of conversations, your life experiences are dismissed, or someone makes a comment that forces you to explain why you do not have children. But here is something you might not have considered. You may be keeping yourself in that “other” role without even realizing it.
In this episode, you will discover how you might be self-othering and how to shift the way you show up so you feel more connected and less defined by childlessness. I share why this topic is so personal to me after my own seven-year journey through IVF failed and ended without a child. You will learn the exact mindset shift that helped me stop letting “childless” be my headline and start introducing myself in ways that made me feel confident and part of the room.
You will learn how to:
- Recognize when you are self-othering without realizing it
- Stop letting childlessness become your whole identity
- Walk into social settings feeling prepared to lead the conversation with who you are beyond motherhood
- Use simple questions to connect with friends, family, and colleagues without the focus being on parenting
- See yourself as more than the one without kids so others can too
I also share a Thrive After Infertility client story that shows how one small change in how you show up can completely change how you are seen and how you feel in social situations.
If you have been feeling disconnected, overlooked, or like you will never belong in rooms where most people are parents, this episode will help you step out of the “other” box, create your own sense of belonging, and feel empowered in any setting.
Links from this episode Free Class: Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond) Learn practical ways to handle comments without shutting down or feeling small. Register here!
Thrive After Infertility: 12 Week Coaching Program Work with me to create a life you love even without the children you dreamed of Learn more here
Book Your Free 45 Minute Thrive Call HERE! In this call, you and I will create a plan for how you can start thriving and loving your life after infertility. Book your call
Follow me on Instagram @lana.manikowski
If you are ready to stop letting childlessness define your story and start living in a way that reflects all of who you are, press play on this episode now.
Your Infertility Journey: How to Stop Explaining It If you are childless after infertility, you have probably been on both sides of the spectrum: staying silent because you do not have the words or emotional energy to talk about your journey, and then overexplaining to justify that you “did enough” to try to become a mom.
In this episode of The So Now What? Podcast, we talk about the exhausting pressure to explain why you did not keep going with fertility treatments, adoption, or donor eggs, and how to protect your peace when people ask intrusive questions.
I share a personal passage from Chapter 1 of my bestselling book So Now What? about the moment I learned my final embryo was not viable, and how that phone call ended my fertility journey but not my life.
You will learn why the way you tell your story is one of the most powerful tools you have, and how you can start telling it in a way that feels true, peaceful, and rooted in who you are now as a woman without children.
This is the exact work I do with my clients inside Thrive After Infertility. I help you reclaim your story, stop overexplaining, and feel confident and proud in conversations about your life, even when it turned out differently than you dreamed.
In this episode, you will learn: * The two extremes: staying silent vs. overexplaining your childlessness * Why overexplaining feels like putting your pain on trial * How to stop offering your grief as “evidence” to be believed * A real-life excerpt from my book So Now What? * How to start telling your story on your terms without apology * Why this shift changes how you feel about yourself in every room you walk into
Links from this episode: * Register for my free live class on Auguat 26, 2025 : Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond) * Download your free guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond) * Download Chapter 1 of my book So Now What?: Get it here * Book your free Thrive Call: Schedule here
If you are ready to create a life you love without the children you dreamed of and finally feel rooted, confident, and proud of who you are, I can help you get there.
What if the hardest part of infertility wasn’t just the treatments… but the fact that no one even knew how hard you tried?
In this episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast, we’re talking about an overlooked reality: what it feels like to go through years of IVF and fertility treatments and never even get a positive pregnancy test.
No bump.
No loss others can see. Just you, quietly rearranging your life around the hope of motherhood… with nothing to show for it when it didn’t work.
This is for you if you’re childless after infertility and have felt the sting of being dismissed, forgotten, or misunderstood because your story doesn’t come with "visible" grief.
Here’s what we cover:
- Why IVF without pregnancy leaves a haunting silence around your story
- The reality of disenfranchised grief when you’re infertile and childless
- Why comparing your pain to others doesn’t bring healing, it brings shame
- The myth that you have to love your story in order to find peace
- How to stop minimizing your experience and start creating a future you feel proud of
- What it looks like to reclaim your voice and move forward without motherhood
You don’t have to keep shrinking your grief or hiding your truth just to make others comfortable. This episode reminds you that you were in it. And that’s enough to matter.
If you’ve ever wondered whether your story counts because you never got pregnant—this episode is your reminder:
You don’t need proof to be seen. You don’t need a baby to validate your grief. You were there. You gave everything. And that matters.
✨ Mentioned in this episode:
📆 Free Masterclass: “Things People Say (and How to Respond)” Join me on Tuesday, August 26 at 6pm CT for a powerful free class where I’ll teach you how to navigate comments about your motherhood status—without spiraling, shutting down, or feeling like you need to justify anything. Register here.
📘 Download Chapter 1 of my book “So Now What?” FREE The day I found out I’d never become a mom, and what happened next.
📝 Click HERE - Free Guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless (and How to Respond)
📺 Watch this episode on YouTube 👉 https://www.youtube.com/@lana.manikowski
Let’s connect:
🌐 Website: https://www.lanamanikowski.com 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lana.manikowski/ 🎵 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@lana.manikowski 📕 Buy my book: https://www.lanamanikowski.com/book
You love your friends. You’ve grown up together, lived through milestones, and shared so many memories. But now they’re raising kids, and you’re navigating life after infertility. You’re the only one in the group chat without a child, and suddenly, the conversations feel distant.
Do you go and feel left out?
Or do you stay home and feel even more alone?
In this episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast, Lana shares the story of reuniting with three of her closest college friends (all moms) and what it now feels like to show up to these friendships as a proud, childless woman.
Years ago, she would have dodged the invitation. But now? She’s looking forward to it—and she shares exactly how that shift became possible.
If you’ve ever:
- Avoided girls’ weekends or coffee dates because you're childless after infertility
- Sat through motherhood conversations feeling invisible or irrelevant
- Wondered if your friendships could survive your childlessness
...this episode will help you imagine what’s possible when you no longer feel like the outsider.
💭 Imagine going to a girls’ weekend and not faking a single smile. 💭 Imagine feeling proud of your story and connected to your friends, even if their lives look different from yours. 💭 Imagine leaving your reunion feeling recharged and in love with the life you’re building.
This is what thriving after infertility can look like.
Lana also shares how this kind of transformation is possible through the work she does in the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind—and how you can begin by joining her free masterclass.
🎓 FREE CLASS: How to Respond to the Things People Say When You’re Childless On Tuesday, August 26th at 6pm CT, Lana is teaching a free class to help you respond to unsolicited comments about your motherhood status—without spiraling, shutting down, or plotting someone’s demise in the grocery store.
🔗 Register here: https://lana-manikowski.myflodesk.com/masterclass
🔗 Links Mentioned in This Episode:
✨ Register HERE for the Free Masterclass (August 26)
📞 Book Your Free 45-Minute Thrive Call HERE:
📘 Click HERE to Buy My #1 Bestselling Book, So Now What?:
📱 Follow Me on Instagram:
📺 Watch on YouTube:
🎵 Follow Me on TikTok:
If you are a woman who is childless not by choice, you know the heartbreak of infertility does not end when treatments stop. You might still feel like shame and guilt are following you around every day.
In this episode, you will hear why infertility shame and secrecy can stay with you for years after IVF or other fertility treatments. Lana shares insights from a 1998 doctoral thesis that described shame as the central emotion of infertility and explains why so little has changed in how women feel about themselves today.
You will discover how guilt convinces you that infertility was your fault, how secrecy keeps you isolated, and why infertility does not define your worth or your future.
If you are tired of feeling like you failed or like you are living life on the sidelines, this conversation will help you imagine how thriving after infertility is possible for you.
In This Episode, You Will Learn * Why shame is often the hidden part of infertility no one talks about * How guilt after IVF or failed fertility treatments can feel like punishment * What happens when secrecy becomes your coping mechanism * A client story showing how she went from feeling invisible to creating a life she is proud of * How infertility coaching can help you rebuild your identity and confidence without children
Ready to Thrive After Infertility? You do not have to keep guessing how to feel like yourself again after infertility. That is exactly what the Thrive Method is for.
Inside Thrive After Infertility, you will learn how to:
- Rebuild confidence in who you are without motherhood as your identity
- Reconnect with your partner and friendships you have been avoiding
- Create milestones that bring purpose and joy to your next decades
If you are ready to stop living in guilt and shame and start creating a life you love, book your free 45-minute Thrive Call.
💖 Links and Resources 📘 Download your free guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You Are Childless (and How to Respond Authentically) Get your copy
🌟 Explore Thrive After Infertility: Learn more about the 12-week coaching program for women who are ready to thrive without the children they dreamed of. Explore the program
💬 Book Your Thrive Call: Create a plan to rebuild your identity and find clarity about what is next. Schedule your call
✨ Follow Lana for more inspiration: Instagram | TikTok | YouTube
Share This Episode If you know a woman who is childless after infertility and still carrying shame or guilt, please share this episode. She deserves to know she is not alone and there is a way to create a life she is proud of.
If you have spent years going through fertility treatments like IVF, pouring everything into your dream of motherhood, and still found yourself without a child, you know how heavy it feels to imagine a future that could ever feel as meaningful.
In this week’s episode, Lana shares a deeply personal story about standing on a piece of vacant land in Michigan, a place she and her husband dreamed of building their future home, and realizing that the path to something beautiful isn't coming without obstacles.
If you’re childless after infertility, it’s so easy to believe your life will always feel smaller or less significant than those who got to have a child or raise children. You probably haven’t seen many examples ofchildless women living fulfilling, connected lives without kids, so your brain fills in the blanks, telling you that it must be impossible for you.
But just because you don’t see the path doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
In this episode, you’ll hear:
✨ Why your brain convinces you that a meaningful life after infertility doesn’t exist—and how that belief is just a story, not a fact. ✨ What to do when you feel like you’re staring at a mound of sand that’s blocking everything you wanted. ✨ How learning to trust yourself, even without a roadmap, is the first step to feeling proud of your life again. ✨ The truth about why feeling stuck doesn’t mean you’re broken, it just means you haven’t been shown another way yet.
If you’re ready to stop assuming nothing will ever compare to motherhood and start creating a life that feels purposeful and satisfying, this episode will remind you: more is possible, even if you can’t see it yet.
Links and Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
🌿 Book Your Free 45-Minute Thrive Call If you want help mapping out where you are now and how to get to a life you feel proud of—even without the children you dreamed of—book your free Thrive Call with Lana here: 👉 Schedule Your Call HERE
🌿 Download Your Free Guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond) This resource will help you feel confident navigating the questions and comments that can make you feel misunderstood or judged: 👉 Download the Free Guide
🌿 Follow Lana on Social Media for Daily Encouragement and Tools: ✨ Instagram ✨ TikTok ✨ YouTube
Whether you’re feeling stuck, disconnected, or unsure how to begin, remember: your dreams didn’t end when motherhood didn’t happen. They are still waiting for you to claim them.
Your Meaning as a Childless Woman After Infertility If you ever find yourself waking up on a Saturday, staring at a day that is completely yours and feeling more suffocated than free, this episode is for you.
Maybe you spent years picturing weekends packed with soccer games, birthday parties, college visits, and noisy family trips.
You imagined how all the hard parts of infertility and IVF would feel worth it once you finally had your baby in your arms.
But here you are, childless after infertility, and the quiet moments you thought would feel peaceful just feel heavy.
And if you have ever caught yourself actually enjoying your life now, maybe a spontaneous trip, an afternoon reading, or a coffee date with your partner, only to feel instant guilt because you think it “looks bad” to be happy without kids, you are not alone.
You might think:
- I shouldn’t enjoy this because it means I am okay with what happened.
- I am betraying the woman I was, the one who fought so hard to be a mom.
- Other people will think I didn’t care enough if I can move on.
This episode will remind you: ✨ You are allowed to love parts of your life right now. ✨ You are allowed to find meaning, peace, and purpose, even if motherhood didn’t happen. ✨ You don’t have to spend the next 40 years waiting for something that will never come.
Inside this conversation, you will learn: ✔️ Why weekends and free time feel so triggering when you are unexpectedly childless ✔️ How to stop feeling guilty for enjoying what you have now ✔️ Why this struggle doesn’t mean you are broken or that you didn’t want motherhood enough ✔️ How to start creating a life you genuinely love without comparing it to the life you dreamed of
This is exactly why I created Thrive After Infertility.
Thrive is my 12-week coaching program for women who are tired of feeling stuck, invisible, or like life is just happening to them instead of for them.
Inside Thrive, you will learn how to: 🌿 Own your time and create experiences that feel expansive and meaningful 🌿 Let go of the guilt that comes when you enjoy your life without children 🌿 Feel connected, confident, and purposeful again on your terms
If you are ready to stop surviving and start living, this is your invitation.
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
💛 Ready to take the next step? Book your free 45-minute Thrive Call. We will create a plan for what is next so you can start designing a life you love, even though it turned out so differently than you expected.
✨ Book Your Free Thrive Call
🎧 Mentioned in this episode:
- Download The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (And How to Respond)
- Subscribe to my Substack for weekly reflections and support
- Learn more about Thrive After Infertility
- Order my #1 bestselling book, “So Now What?”
💌 Stay connected with me:
- TikTok
- YouTube
You are allowed to love this life, even if it broke your heart.
You are allowed to build something beautiful, even if it wasn’t the story you planned.
And you are allowed to start today.
If you’re childless after infertility or IVF and wondering how to move forward in a life that looks nothing like what you imagined, this episode of The “So Now What?” Podcast is for you.
You did everything you could to become a mother. You prayed, tried, hoped, and gave it your all. And now you're living in the aftermath of a dream that didn’t come true, with no guide for how to feel whole again.
Maybe the world has led you to believe that without children, your life is supposed to be quiet, sad, or incomplete. Perhaps you’ve been carrying that weight so long, it feels like part of your identity. But what if it isn’t?
In this episode, I’m offering you one of the most radical truths I’ve ever learned on the other side of IVF and infertility:
👉 You get to choose how you feel.
I share how I went from living reactively and constantly triggered by baby showers, pregnancy announcements, and other people’s comments, to learning how to stop bracing for emotional pain and start creating emotional freedom.
Inside, you’ll hear:
- Why you’re not wrong or broken for grieving the version of you that never became a mom
- How the grief of infertility includes not just a baby, but an identity, milestones, and meaning you expected to have
- How you’ve inherited outdated beliefs about women without children, and how to stop wearing them like a stained old t-shirt
- What post-traumatic growth looks like when you’re ready to create purpose, peace, and joy without the children you dreamed of
- The power of choosing your thoughts, your emotions, and your next chapter
You don’t have to stay stuck in sadness or silence just because motherhood didn’t happen for you. And you don’t have to accept a narrative that was never written with your truth in mind. There’s a different path available...and I’ll help you find it.
✨ Resources to support your next steps:
📘 Get your copy of my #1 bestselling book, So Now What? Rediscover purpose and meaning after infertility. 👉 Buy it now
🧭 Book your free 45-minute Thrive Call Let’s create a personalized plan for what fulfillment can look like for you now, even though life turned out differently. 👉 Schedule your Thrive Call
💬 Download your free guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond) Get real scripts to help you navigate intrusive questions and comments — without having to explain yourself. 👉 Download it here
📲 Let’s stay connected: Instagram: @lana.manikowski TikTok: @lana.manikowski YouTube: Watch here Website: lanamanikowski.com
You’re not less than. You’re not invisible. You’re just living a life no one taught you how to navigate. But you don’t have to do it alone.
💛 If this episode speaks to you, share it with a friend or leave a review so more women who are childless not by choice can find the hope, healing, and community they deserve.
If you’ve ever wondered if this is just how life feels when you don’t become a mom, this episode is for you.
- Maybe your fertility journey ended with heartbreak instead of a baby.
- Maybe you’ve been told (by the world, by your inner voice) that life will always feel incomplete, lonely, or second-best now.
- Maybe you scroll past pregnancy announcements and family vacation photos, not because you’re bitter, but because they hurt.
- And maybe you’ve started to believe the quiet story that society tells women like us: That life without children will always feel like you’re just holding on.
But what if that story isn’t true?
In episode 172 of The “So Now What?” Podcast, Lana shares:
- The truth about the emotional aftermath of IVF and infertility that no one talks about.
- Her own story of navigating the grief of a chromosomally abnormal embryo (Trisomy 16) and what came after fertility treatments ended.
- Why the world’s attempts to “fix” you with adoption, donor eggs, or surrogacy often leave you feeling more invisible.
- How guilt, shame, and comparison can keep you frozen in time, and what it takes to finally move forward.
You'll hear how women inside her 12-week coaching program, go from surviving each day to actually loving their lives again. One client shares how she stopped obsessing over what people with kids were doing and started finding confidence, peace, and simple joys in her everyday life.
This episode invites you to imagine a summer, and a life, where:
- You wake up excited for your day, not dreading another reminder of what’s missing
- You reconnect with your body and stop treating it like it failed you
- You feel connected to your partner again, building a future that feels like yours
- You finally stop pretending to be okay, and actually are
If you’re ready to stop surviving and start living a life that feels meaningful and fulfilling—even without the children you always dreamed of—this episode will show you what’s possible.
💬 Ready to Take the Next Step? Don’t let another summer pass you by in a fog of comparison and sadness.
✨ Book your free 45-minute Thrive Call with Lana to create a plan for what comes next: 👉 Click here to schedule your call
This is your first step toward creating a life that fits again...one that you love, even though it turned out differently than you expected.
📲 Stay Connected with Lana * 💻 Website & Coaching Info: lanamanikowski.com * 📕 Buy the book "So Now What?" HERE! * 📥 Free Download: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (...and How to Respond) → Download Here * 📸 Instagram: @lana.manikowski * 🎥 YouTube: Lana Manikowski * 🎵 TikTok: @lana.manikowski
If you're a woman who went through fertility treatments like IVF or IUI and now find yourself childless after infertility, this episode will speak directly to your heart.
This week, we talk about a quiet kind of grief. The grief carried by the man who never got to become a dad.
Whether it's your husband, partner, brother, or someone else close to you, Father’s Day can feel invisible for the men who once dreamed of fatherhood but never got to live it. And if you’ve been focused on your own pain after infertility, you might not have realized how much he’s grieving too.
In this episode, you’ll hear:
- How infertility affects your partner even if he never talks about it
- Why the guilt you’ve been carrying is not yours to hold anymore
- Ways to show up for your partner on Father’s Day without it being complicated or performative
- A reminder that your relationship is still meaningful, even without children
💬 “I thought I was the only one grieving, but I wasn’t. He was just quieter about it.”
📖 Want more support around Father’s Day? Chapter 25 of my bestselling book, So Now What?, is dedicated to helping you understand and support your partner when he didn’t get to become a biological dad.
If you’re wondering how to bring up this conversation, how to honor him, and how to let go of the guilt you’ve been carrying, this chapter is for you.
📚 You can read Chapter 1 and the foreword by Jody Day for free: lanamanikowski.com/book
🎁 Free Resource Download: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (...and How to Respond) Your script for those awkward or painful conversations. lanamanikowski.com/thingspeoplesay
💬 Want help creating a life you love, even if you never became a mom?
Book your free 45-minute Thrive Call with me. We’ll create a personal plan to help you move forward with confidence, connection, and purpose.
Book your Thrive Call
📲 This week on Instagram, I’m sharing a series called “A Letter to My Childless Husband.” Follow along at @lana.manikowski
If you’re childless not by choice, grieving after infertility, and want to feel more connected to your life and your partner, this episode will help you start.
Your story isn’t over. It’s just beginning.
#InfertilitySupport #ChildlessAfterInfertility #IVFDidntWork #FatherlessFathersDay #LifeAfterInfertility #SoNowWhat #LanaManikowski #IUIJourney #LifeWithoutChildren #FertilityTreatments
Infertility & Goal Fatigue – What to Do When IVF Fails
If you’re childless after infertility and emotionally drained from years of chasing the dream of motherhood through IVF, I want you to know: you’re not alone. And what you’re feeling right now? It makes perfect sense.
You spent years setting goals—diagnosis, treatment plans, egg retrievals, embryo transfers, second opinions, supplements, side effects, losses… all in pursuit of the child you dreamed of.
But when IVF doesn’t work—and you find yourself childless after all of it—you’re left with a silent question that echoes through your mind:
Now what?
In this episode of The “So Now What?” Podcast, I’m sharing a deeply personal moment that stopped me in my tracks—one that reminded me how so many of us are living in a state of goal fatigue without even realizing it.
It all started with one innocent, thoughtful question from my 13-year-old nephew: “Uncle Jack, what’s your goal for this year?”
And that moment led me to a massive realization—what if we’ve been asking the wrong question all along?
In this episode, I’ll guide you through: ✅ Why infertility turns us into high-functioning goal-chasers ✅ What “goal fatigue” looks and feels like after IVF fails ✅ Why you might feel disconnected even after big wins at work or in life ✅ How I became a workaholic after IVF ended—and still felt empty ✅ The life-changing power of asking, “How do I want to feel?” ✅ What to do if you don’t even know how you want to feel anymore
This conversation is a gentle but powerful invitation to start living from the inside out—not chasing more goals to prove your worth, but learning to feel fulfilled by who you are right now, even without the children you hoped for.
💬 Want to go deeper? ✨ Book your free 45-minute Thrive Call HERE. If you’ve been feeling stuck, lost, or unsure of how to move forward, I’ll help you reconnect with what matters to you. No pressure. No performance. Just a clear, hope-filled starting point for your next chapter.
📘 Ready to read the book that’s helping women just like you? Check out my new bestselling book, So Now What?—created especially for women who are childless after infertility and looking for purpose, healing, and joy beyond motherhood. Grab your copy or download a free preview here: 👉 www.lanamanikowski.com/book
🔗 Stay connected: 🎥 Watch this episode on YouTube 📸 Connect with me on Instagram 📱 Follow along on TikTok
🎁 Don’t miss this: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (...and How to Respond) Get your free copy here.
You don’t have to chase the next big thing to feel proud of your life. You don’t have to “move on” or pretend it doesn’t hurt. You don’t have to keep pushing to prove that you matter.
You’re allowed to feel peace, love, purpose, and joy—even without a child.
So if IVF didn’t work and you’re wondering what now… this episode is your starting point.
Tune in. And let’s begin—together.
If you are childless after infertility and wondering how to move forward without the future you dreamed of, this powerful conversation with Jody Day will meet you right where you are.
In this episode, we explore what it truly means to grieve childlessness and how embracing that grief can lead to deep healing, creativity, and purpose. Jody shares her personal story, her insights from years of working in the childless-not-by-choice space, and how grief can evolve from something you endure into something you grow through.
Inside this episode:
- Why grief is not an event but a skill
- What it means to experience disenfranchised grief as a childless woman
- How to feel seen in a society that avoids your pain
- What it takes to build your own support network as you age
- Why asking for help is a form of strength and connection
Unforgettable quotes from Jody Day:
- “Grief is not an event. It’s a skill.”
- “You’re not needy. You have needs. You’re human.”
- “We grieve that which we have loved.”
- “Grief is the emotion that allows us to let go of what was in order to embrace what’s next.”
- “I look back at the woman who tried so hard and say: You didn’t know more was available to you.”
Whether you are early in your grief or further down the path, this episode will remind you that you are not alone, and that you still have the power to build a life you love.
You are not too late. You are not alone. You may be childless, but your story still matters. This episode will remind you that healing is possible, connection is available, and the life ahead of you still holds meaning.
Helpful links and resources:
🎧 Download: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (...and How to Respond)
📞 Book a Free 45-Minute Thrive Call with Lana and create a personalized plan for living a fulfilling life without children
📘 Explore Jody Day’s work: Gateway Women
💌 Subscribe to her Substack: Gateway Elderwomen 📱 Follow Lana on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok
About Jody Day:
Jody is the English-Irish founder of Gateway Women, the world’s best-known support and advocacy network for childless women. Often described as the founder of the global childless movement, she is an integrative psychotherapist, two-time TEDx speaker, author, and thought leader. Her best-selling book Living the Life Unexpected: How to Find Hope, Meaning and a Fulfilling Future Without Children has become essential reading for women navigating life without motherhood.
Jody has been a World Childless Week Ambassador since 2017, was chosen as one of the BBC’s 100 Women in 2013, and named a UK Digital Woman of the Year in 2021. She is a former Fellow in Social Innovation at Cambridge Judge Business School and was a founding board member of the UK charity Ageing Without Children. Today, she writes the popular Substack Gateway Elderwomen, which explores aging and elderhood without motherhood, and is developing her ALTERKIN Project to create local mutual-aid communities for those aging without children.
If Mother’s Day felt hard for you, you’re not alone and this week’s episode of The “So Now What?” Podcast is especially for you. You’ve probably spent years feeling like a party of one, moving through infertility and now life without children, not sure where to go to find connection or how to create it. Maybe you’ve told yourself you should be strong enough to figure this out alone. Maybe you’ve been hiding, thinking you’re the only one whose treatments didn’t end in motherhood. In this powerful episode, you’ll hear why connection is not a luxury, it’s a necessity. You’ll be reminded that you are not weak for wanting support. You are human, and you were never meant to do this alone. Lana opens up about her own journey, from getting an unexplained infertility diagnosis in 2011 and hiding her pain, to walking into silence despite being someone who always had “talks too much” on her report card. You’ll hear how that silence was one of the hardest parts, and why finding your voice again starts with connection. Lana shares what inspired her to start this podcast in 2021, why she left her 20-year corporate career to coach full time, and how her Thrive After Infertility program and The Other’s Day Brunch were created to make sure women like you never have to navigate childlessness alone. You’ll hear about: - What it feels like when connection feels out of reach after infertility - Why fertility clinics gave us science but not the soul-level support we needed - What healing starts to look like when you stop hiding - The incredible stories of women at The Other’s Day Brunch who showed up not knowing a soul and left with new friendships - Simple ways you can say yes to connection today . even if it starts with a coffee invite or replying to a DM This episode is a reminder that even if your life looks different than you planned, it can still be beautiful, because you are part of it. ✨ Resource Mentioned: Download *The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond) . Click here! 🎧 If this episode resonated with you, please take a moment to rate and review the podcast. Your words help other women find this space. 📲 Connect with Lana on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube: @lana.manikowski 💌 Questions or feedback? Email 🌐 Learn more: www.lanamanikowski.com
If you're feeling overlooked, invisible, or emotionally raw as Mother's Day approaches, this episode was made for you.
In this heartfelt and healing conversation, Lana speaks directly to you — the woman who did everything she could to become a mom, but still doesn’t have the child she dreamed of. Whether this is your first Mother's Day since stopping fertility treatments or your fifteenth, this episode holds space for your grief, your story, and your desire to be seen in a world that rarely acknowledges women who are childless not by choice.
Lana shares why Mother's Day can be more than just a tough day — it can be a cultural reminder of the life you hoped for and the identity you never got to claim. She talks about the emotional toll of constant reminders — inbox ads, grocery store signs, brunch invites — and why it's not about jealousy or resentment, but a profound sadness that so few people recognize.
You’ll also hear:
- Why your grief is real and valid — even if others don’t understand it
- What disenfranchised grief is and why it’s so common for childless women
- How the Other’s Day Brunch was born out of this very longing to be seen
- Why healing doesn’t mean forgetting, and how grief and joy can coexist
- What to do this weekend if you're looking for a way to honor your story and take care of yourself
Whether you're quietly grieving at home or attending the 4th Annual Other’s Day Brunch in Chicago, this episode is your reminder that you are not alone.
🎧 Listen in if you’ve ever thought:
- “Why is this still so hard—even after all this time?”
- “Why does no one acknowledge the pain of being childless on Mother's Day?”
- “I don’t want pity. I just want to feel like I matter.”
💬 What to do next: 💗 Join us in Chicago for the 4th Annual Other’s Day Brunch on May 10 — a space where you’ll be seen, honored, and celebrated: 👉 www.lanamanikowski.com/othersday
📞 Ready to stop feeling stuck and create a new vision for your future? Book your free 45-minute Thrive Call with Lana and get personalized support for building a life that feels full, even without the children you dreamed of: 👉 https://calendly.com/lanamanikowski/strategy-session
📥 Download Lana’s free guide: ✔️ The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless... and How to Respond with Confidence and Self-Respect: 👉 https://lana-manikowski.myflodesk.com/thingspeoplesay
📲 Follow Lana on social media for community and inspiration: Instagram: @lana.manikowski TikTok: @lana.manikowski YouTube: Watch & Subscribe
✨ You are not an afterthought. You are a whole woman with a full heart — even if it's still healing. This Mother’s Day, take up space. You belong here.
If you've ever felt like life passed you by — that everyone else got the invitation to motherhood while you were left standing in the quiet — this episode is for you.
In Episode 166 of The “So Now What?” Podcast, I’m bringing you into a deeply personal story I recently shared with a room full of college students. It wasn’t about infertility — at least not directly — but it brought up a feeling you probably know all too well: what it’s like to have a plan for your life… only to watch it fall apart.
I share what happened when I didn’t get into the college I thought would define my future — and how that moment mirrored the heartbreak of leaving fertility treatments without a child. If you've ever followed every "right" step and still didn't end up where you hoped, you're not alone.
This episode will help you:
- Connect the dots between your past rejections and how you define your worth today
- Understand why your grief is valid, even if no one else sees it
- Reframe your childless life as one that is not behind — but boldly becoming
- Feel less alone in a world that celebrates milestones you didn’t get to experience
Whether you're in the thick of navigating a future without motherhood or trying to figure out what comes next, this conversation will remind you that you still get to write your own story. And that story can be meaningful, beautiful, and yours.
💬 Links Mentioned:
🎧 Listen to more episodes of The “So Now What?” Podcast on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts. 📖 Order your copy of So Now What? at lanamanikowski.com/book 📅 Book your free 45-minute Thrive Call with me to create a plan for what’s next: Book Here!! 📥 Download The Top 27 Things People Say When You Are Childless (and how to respond): https://lana-manikowski.myflodesk.com/thingspeoplesay 📲 Follow along on Instagram: @lana.manikowski 📲 Join me on TikTok: @lana.manikowski
✨ You are not behind. You are not broken. You are becoming. And the life you’re building — even without the children you dreamed of — can still be rich and full of purpose.
Ready to explore what your new plan could look like? Book your free Thrive Call today — let's start mapping it out together.
If you’ve gone through IVF or fertility treatments and didn’t end up with the child you always dreamed of, this episode is for you.
During National Infertility Awareness Week 2025, it’s easy to feel like the spotlight is only on the stories that end in a baby. But what if yours didn’t? What if you're childless after infertility, and you’ve spent years wondering where your voice fits in?
This week, we’re finally talking about the part no one wants to say out loud: The silence that follows when fertility treatments don’t work. The awkward comments. The unsolicited advice. The way people try to “fix” you with adoption suggestions, miracle stories, or spiritual shortcuts.
But in this episode, you’ll hear what you’ve been longing to hear: You are not an afterthought. You are not a failure. And you are not alone.
Lana shares:
- Why awareness doesn’t always mean inclusion, especially when your journey ends without a child
- How society struggles to hold space for grief that’s not “fixable”
- What it’s like to be left without resources or support when you leave your clinic for the last time
- A reading from Chapter 14 of her new book So Now What?, called “Avoiding Isolation and Strengthening Existing Connections”
- What you can do to start reconnecting with yourself and others in an authentic way without having to explain or justify your path
Whether you’ve felt misunderstood, judged, or completely invisible, this episode will help you feel grounded, seen, and empowered to move forward, even when life looks nothing like you planned.
🧡 Want to keep going beyond the podcast? Here’s how to get support and stay connected:
➡️ Join me LIVE during National Infertility Awareness Week:
- April 28 – Infertility, Identity, and the Fight to Be Seen – So Now What? at Indiana University Northwest, 11:30 AM
- April 28 – Interview on WCPT Radio in Chicago
- May 1 – Book reading and signing at City Lit Books, 6:30 PM (Logan Square, Chicago)
- May 10 – The 4th Annual Other’s Day Brunch, a powerful gathering for women without children on the Saturday before Mother’s Day
Get all the details at: www.lanamanikowski.com/events
🎧 Ready to talk about what’s next for you? Book your free 45-minute Thrive Call with Lana and start mapping out what your future can look like, even if it doesn’t include motherhood. 👉 Book now
📚 Haven’t read the book yet? Download the foreword by Jody Day and Chapter 1 of So Now What? 👉 Get your preview
💬 Struggling with how to respond to awkward or hurtful comments? Download the free guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (...and How to Respond) 👉 Get the guide
If this episode spoke to you, please leave a review or share it with someone who needs to hear that a meaningful life is still possible, even without the children they dreamed of.
📲 Connect with Lana on Instagram, TikTok, or YouTube:
- @lana.manikowski on IG
- @lana.manikowski on TikTok
- YouTube Channel
If you’ve been through fertility treatments like IVF or IUI and ended your journey without the baby you dreamed of, you might be waiting for the day you finally feel “healed.” But what if healing isn’t something you ever fully complete? What if infertility isn’t a finish line—but a beginning?
In this episode of The “So Now What?” Podcast, you’ll discover that you don’t have to be completely healed to start feeling proud of who you are becoming. You’ll explore how to notice your growth, even on the hard days, and how small steps forward are worth celebrating—even if no one else sees them.
I’ll also be sharing details about a few special public events coming up, including a reading from Chapter 11 of my book, So Now What?, titled “Who Are You Now? Who Do You Want to Become?” This question is at the heart of reclaiming your life after infertility, and I hope it inspires you the way it inspired me.
✨ Upcoming Events (All Open to the Public): 🗓 April 28 at 11:30 AM Speaking at Indiana University Northwest Topic: Infertility, Identity, and the Fight to Be Seen – So Now What?
📚 May 1 at 6:30 PM Book Reading and Signing at City Lit in Logan Square Featuring Chapter 11: “Who Are You Now? Who Do You Want to Become?”
🥂 May 10 at 11:30 AM The 4th Annual Other’s Day Brunch in Chicago A celebration for women without children to feel seen, supported, and celebrated 🎟 Get your ticket
🎧 Listen now if you’ve ever thought: * “I still feel sad, so I must not be healed yet” * “I didn’t become a mom, so what do I celebrate about myself?” * “I don’t even know who I am without motherhood”
This episode is your reminder that you are growing, even if your grief still exists. Your story didn’t end when your treatments did. It just started taking a new shape—one that you get to define.
📞 Ready to take the next step? Book a free 45-minute Thrive Call with me We’ll create a plan together for how to start building a life that feels meaningful without the children you dreamed of. 👉 Book your Thrive Call
💬 Free Download The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (...and how to respond) An authentic and empowering guide to help you feel steady and confident in conversations that often feel uncomfortable. 📥 Download it here
📲 Stay connected: Instagram: @lana.manikowski YouTube: @lana.manikowski TikTok: @lana.manikowski Website: www.lanamanikowski.com
Have you ever looked around and thought, “So now what?” after years of trying fertility treatments that didn’t work?
You’re not alone. This week’s episode is for you.
In this deeply personal and empowering episode, you’ll hear Lana reflect on the powerful launch of her new book, So Now What?, which became a #1 New Release in the Fertility and Infertility categories on Amazon. That milestone wasn’t just about sales. It was about finally being heard after years of feeling silenced by a childless outcome.
Whether you’ve gone through IVF, IUI, or spent years navigating the complex, emotional rollercoaster of fertility treatments only to leave without a baby, this episode will remind you that your story still matters.
You’ll hear:
- How Lana’s unexpected injury mirrored the unpredictability of infertility
- Why So Now What? was written for women just like you
- A powerful reading from Chapter 3 of the book that will leave you feeling seen and understood
- Why this book belongs in every fertility clinic and how you can help make that happen
🎧 This episode is for you if:
- You feel like no one talks about what happens after treatment doesn’t work
- You’re searching for hope, community, and guidance in your childless life
- You’re ready to believe that your life can still be meaningful even without the children you dreamed of
✨ Help Us Spread the Word Lana is currently sending So Now What? to reproductive endocrinologists, clinics, and therapists. She wants your help reaching more professionals who need this resource.
If you know of a doctor, clinic, or support group that could benefit, email Lana or send her a DM on Instagram, or TikTok
📍 Upcoming Book Events If you’re in the Chicago or Northwest Indiana area, join Lana at one of her upcoming events:
- April 28 at 11:30 AM – Infertility, Identity, and the Fight to Be Seen at Indiana University Northwest
- May 1 at 6:30 PM – Book reading at City Lit Books in Logan Square, Chicago
- May 10 – The Other’s Day Brunch (a celebration for women without children by circumstance, not choice) Get your ticket: lanamanikowski.com/othersday
📚 Get Your Copy of So Now What? Available now on:
- Amazon
- Barnes & Noble
- Blackwell’s (UK) Or visit the new landing page: lanamanikowski.com/book
💬 Free Download: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless… and How to Respond Tired of awkward, intrusive conversations about your childless status? This free resource will help you feel more confident, clear, and authentic. Download it here: lanamanikowski.com/thingspeoplesay
💬 Remember: You are not behind. You are not broken. You are not alone. Your life still has purpose, joy, and connection ahead. Let this episode be your reminder that your next chapter is waiting to be written.
Are you childless after infertility, feeling stuck in the “in-between” after years of fertility treatments and IVF?
Have you spent years yearning for motherhood, only to be left wondering what life looks like now?
If that sounds like you, this episode was created with your heart in mind.
In Episode 162 of The So Now What? Podcast, I share a deeply personal reflection that started on a seemingly ordinary Saturday. It was a day filled with movement, joy, connection, and the kind of freedom I never expected to feel in a life without children. But by the end of the night, everything changed. That moment forced me to think about what I had built and who I had become.
You’ll hear how that experience helped me step even more deeply into ownership of a life I never imagined living, and how you can do the same.
💬 In this episode, you’ll hear: * Why your life without children can still feel full, meaningful, and chosen * How waiting for time to heal might be keeping you stuck * An excerpt from Chapter 9 of my new book So Now What? called "Learning Not to Fear Change" * How fear of failure, shaped by the language of fertility treatments, impacts your ability to move forward * Why So Now What? is already a Top New Best Seller on Amazon before it has even launched * A heartfelt invitation to stop waiting and start rebuilding your life
📘 So Now What? is the guide you didn’t know you needed If you’ve ever said, “I thought I’d be a mom by now,” this book was written for you.
So Now What? is more than a book. It is a guide, a lifeline, and a blueprint for the woman who never received the tools to navigate a future without motherhood. This book meets you where you are and shows you that you do not have to stay there.
It is already being celebrated as a Top New Best Seller on Amazon, even before the official launch on April 2.
🛒 Pre-order your copy of So Now What? 📅 Release Date: April 2
💬 Ready to stop wondering what’s next? If you feel stuck or unsure how to begin, I invite you to schedule a free 45-minute Thrive Call with me.
This is your opportunity to map out a personalized plan and walk away with clarity and direction. You will not be asked to have all the answers, only the willingness to start.
📞 Book your free Thrive Call here
🎁 Free Download: Not sure how to respond when people offer advice or make assumptions about your childlessness?
Download my free guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (...and how to respond) 📥 Get your copy here
❤️ You are not alone If your fertility journey has left you childless, and you feel like you are the only one navigating this unexpected life, this episode will remind you that you are not alone.
You have found your community. You have a coach who understands. You have a starting point.
Your story is not over. It is just beginning. Let today be the day you take ownership of what is next.
🎧 Press play now and share this episode with someone who needs to hear it.
📱 Let’s stay connected: Instagram: @lana.manikowski TikTok: @lana.manikowski YouTube: Lana Manikowski Website: https://www.lanamanikowski.com
#childlessnotbychoice #infertilitysupport #ivfwarrior #childlessafterinfertility #lifecoachforinfertility #soNowWhat #infertilityjourney #lifeafterivf #thrivingafterinfertility #purposewithoutmotherhood #navigatingchildlessness #ivf
🎙 Listen now to The 'So Now What?' Podcast with Lana Manikowski, Episode 161
So now what? Did these three words race through your mind time and time again during fertility treatments? You poured everything—your energy, your time, your heart—into trying to have a child. But when that dream didn’t come true, you were left wondering: What now?
If you've ever felt like motherhood was the missing piece, the thing that would finally make you whole, you are not alone. And today, we’re challenging that belief.
In this episode, we’ll explore: ✅ Why focusing on what’s missing keeps you stuck in the absence of a child ✅ How to shift from dwelling in loss to expanding into new possibilities ✅ The false narrative that motherhood completes you—and what actually does ✅ How to rediscover your purpose and joy beyond motherhood
You spent years believing that having a child would bring fulfillment. But what if your ability to create a meaningful life was never dependent on motherhood in the first place?
You are not incomplete. You are not without purpose. You are just beginning a new chapter—one that is waiting to be fully lived.
✨ Are you ready to step into joy again? Book a free 45-minute Thrive Call with me, where we’ll map out your next steps toward fulfillment and purpose. → Schedule your call here
📚 Pre-order my book, So Now What?, available now on Amazon! This is the resource I wish I had when I realized I would be living a life without children. It’s filled with insights and strategies to help you move forward with confidence. Order today and be one of the first to receive it when it releases on April 2nd!
💌 Get your free guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You Are Childless (...and How to Respond) → Download it here
🌸 Join us for The Other’s Day Brunch on May 10 in Chicago! A beautiful space for childless women to connect and celebrate a life that is meaningful—without children. Get your tickets here → lanamanikowski.com/othersday
💬 Let’s connect! 📌 Instagram: @lana.manikowski 📌 TikTok: @lana.manikowski 📌 YouTube: Watch Here
If this episode spoke to you, please take a moment to rate and review the podcast. It helps other women on this journey find the support they need.
🎧 Listen now and remember—you are so much more than this one dream. You have an entire life waiting to be lived fully. 💜
You’ve done it all—IVF, IUI, every possible fertility treatment. You’ve spent years hoping, praying, and planning for a baby that never arrived. Now, you find yourself in a place you never prepared for—life without the children you dreamed of. And you keep asking yourself, So now what?
If those words have been circling in your mind, you are not alone. I remember when they consumed me. When I was told my only frozen embryo wasn’t viable, I was convinced I had failed at everything. I believed I had let my husband down, that I had cheated my in-laws out of becoming grandparents, and that I would grow old alone, pitied by everyone. Most of all, I believed that my life would never feel full again because I didn’t become a mother.
But what if those beliefs aren’t actually true?
In this episode, I’m giving you a sneak peek into So Now What?, my upcoming book that I have poured my heart into. It’s not just words on a page—it’s a guide, a companion, and an invitation to create a life you love, even though it looks nothing like what you expected. Today, we’re talking about something that changed everything for me: your beliefs.
Are Your Beliefs Holding You Back? The way you see yourself, your future, and your worth is shaped by what you believe. And most of the time, we don’t even realize how much our thoughts are controlling our reality.
- Do you believe that because you didn’t become a mom, you’ll never experience deep love?
- Do you believe your marriage is doomed without children?
- Do you believe that you’ll always be on the outside looking in while your friends celebrate milestones with their families?
If you’ve been carrying these beliefs, it’s not your fault. Society, family, religion, and the stories we’ve been told about what makes a woman’s life meaningful have shaped them. But here’s the truth: just because you’ve believed something for a long time doesn’t make it true.
I want you to start questioning the beliefs that have been keeping you stuck. Who told you these things had to be true? What if they aren’t?
Rewriting Your Story When I first realized that my beliefs were shaping my happiness (or in my case, my deep sadness), I had to do the uncomfortable work of questioning them. I had to ask myself:
- If I wasn’t a failure, then what?
- If my life wasn’t actually over, what could it look like?
- If I didn’t let my husband down, what was still possible for us?
These questions were scary, but they were the key to setting myself free. They were the key to creating a life that, while different from what I imagined, is still full, meaningful, and beautiful.
In So Now What?, I walk you through exactly how I did this. How I stopped letting these outdated beliefs define me. How I learned to see myself in a new light. How I discovered that I was still whole, still worthy, and still capable of creating a future that felt deeply fulfilling.
And if this episode has you realizing that you’ve been carrying beliefs that no longer serve you, let’s talk.
Join Me for a Free Thrive Call Maybe no one has ever offered you 45 minutes of their time, free of charge, to help you start creating a plan for your next chapter. But I do.
During our Thrive Call, we will: ✅ Look at the beliefs that have been keeping you stuck ✅ Create a plan for what comes next ✅ Start shifting your mindset so you can move forward in a way that feels real and authentic to you
You don’t have to keep feeling like your life is over. You don’t have to stay in this place of uncertainty and grief. There is another way forward, and I’d love to help you take that first step. Schedule your free Thrive Call here.
Win a Free Signed Copy of So Now What? I am beyond excited for this book to be in your hands, and I want to give 10 lucky listeners a signed copy for free! Enter the giveaway now: Enter to win here.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode: 📖 So Now What? (Available April 2) – Preorder coming soon! 📞 Book a Free Thrive Call: Click here 📥 Download The Top 27 Things People Say When You Are Childless (...and How to Respond): Get it here
You are not broken. Your life is not over. You get to create something beautiful for yourself, and I’d love to help you take that first step. 💛
See you next week. Remember, it’s never too late to discover your meaning.
If you’ve ever felt like happiness is something you have to earn—as if the universe is compensating you for the pain of infertility—this episode is for you.
In this special episode of The So Now What? Podcast, I’m giving you a sneak peek into my new book So Now What?, releasing on April 2nd. I’ll be reading a powerful excerpt from Chapter 13, Choosing to Love Your Life After Infertility and Redefining Your Worth, where I challenge the belief that joy is a consolation prize.
You deserve to feel good. You deserve to experience happiness, not as an apology for what didn’t happen, but as something you’ve created for yourself. Your life isn’t a backup plan—it’s yours to fully embrace.
In this episode, you’ll learn: ✨ How to break free from the compensation mindset—joy is not a reward for suffering ✨ Why you don’t have to justify your happiness to anyone, including yourself ✨ How to retrain your brain to accept and create joy without condition ✨ A powerful challenge to help you own your happiness today
🎉 Win a Free Signed Copy of My Book! I’m giving away 10 signed copies of So Now What?, and you can enter to win right now! Just go to the link in my show notes or my bio on Instagram, TikTok, or YouTube to sign up. If you win, I’ll personally send you a free signed copy!
➡️ Enter now: Giveaway Link
Resources & Next Steps: 🎧 Get my free guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (...and how to respond) 📅 Book a Thrive Call: Let’s create a plan for your future! Schedule Here
If this episode resonated with you, imagine what you’ll get from reading So Now What?. Your future is waiting—you deserve to love your life beyond infertility.
💛 I love you, and remember: it’s never too late to discover your meaning. See you next week!
If your fertility journey didn’t lead to motherhood, it’s easy to feel like everything else is just second best. After years of IVF, IUI, and trying everything to have a baby, you never imagined navigating a life without children. And now, instead of embracing the opportunities in front of you, you might feel stuck, wondering if true joy, fulfillment, and connection are even possible for you.
But here’s the truth: You CAN create a life that feels meaningful, fulfilling, and deeply connected because you CAN.
In this episode of The So Now What? Podcast, I’m sharing how my recent injury and surgery forced me to shift my focus from what I can’t do to what I can and how this same mindset shift is essential for embracing your life after infertility.
Too many women who are childless after infertility struggle to see the gifts available to them. You might hold back from fully living, believing nothing could ever measure up to motherhood. But when you start doing things because you CAN instead of focusing on what’s missing, you’ll begin to create a life that feels aligned, purposeful, and truly yours.
In This Episode, You’ll Learn: ✔️ Why it’s so easy to overlook the opportunities available to you after infertility ✔️ How my experience recovering from surgery helped me reframe what’s possible ✔️ How to stop treating your life as a backup plan and start embracing it fully ✔️ The simple shifts that help you find joy, fulfillment, and meaning without guilt ✔️ How I help my clients in Thrive After Infertility create lives that feel truly theirs
You don’t have to stay stuck in the feeling that life without children is less than what it could have been. The things you CAN do, the dreams you CAN pursue, the adventures you CAN take, the ways you CAN show up for yourself are not second best. They are your life. And when you begin to truly live because you CAN, everything starts to shift.
Resources & Next Steps for Your Journey: 📖 My new book, So Now What?, is coming out in April! Enter to win a free signed copy here
📞 Book a free Thrive Call to start creating a life you love without the children you dreamed of. Schedule here
The Other's Day Brunch is May 10, 2025 in Chicago. Click here to get on the waitlist!
📩 Download my free guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You Are Childless (...and how to respond). Get it here
📲 Follow me on social media for daily inspiration: Instagram → @lana.manikowskiTikTok → @lana.manikowski 🎧 Catch up on past episodes of The So Now What? Podcast. Listen here
If this episode resonates with you, share it with a friend who needs to hear it. And if you haven’t yet, leaving a review helps more women find this space and know they are not alone.
Until next time, remember: You CAN create a life you love because you CAN. 💛
Have you been living in a holding pattern—waiting, hoping, and unsure of when you’ll finally start living again?
For years, infertility treatments dictated your schedule. You held off on vacations, skipped girls’ weekends, and put projects on pause, thinking, Maybe by then, I’ll be pregnant. Maybe I’ll have a baby.
But now, fertility treatments are behind you, and you’re still feeling stuck. You have ideas of what you could do—remodeling a room, traveling, learning something new—but the energy just isn’t there to start.
Why?
In this episode, we’re breaking down the three biggest reasons why moving forward can feel paralyzing when you are childless after infertility:
1️⃣ Fear – Making plans for your future feels like closing the door on motherhood, and that’s terrifying. 2️⃣ Comparison – Nothing seems as meaningful as motherhood was supposed to be, so you tell yourself it’s not even worth trying. 3️⃣ Overwhelm – You don’t know where to start, so you keep waiting for the “right time.”
But if not now… when?
I recently worked with a coaching client who felt this exact way. She had things she wanted to do—remodeling her bathroom, planting a garden, traveling more with her husband—but nothing was on the calendar. It all just felt big.
So we mapped it out.
What mattered most? What was her first step? When did she want to start?
And suddenly, it didn’t feel so overwhelming anymore.
This is exactly what we do inside the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind. One of the three core pillars of the program is owning your time—because when you start making intentional choices about how to fill your days, you stop feeling lost in your own life.
✨ Want more guidance? My upcoming book, So Now What?, has an entire chapter dedicated to planning your future in a way that feels meaningful and fulfilling.
I’m giving away 10 free signed copies, and you can enter to win using the link in my show notes or by heading to my bio on Instagram or TikTok.
And if you’re ready to take action, book a free Thrive Call with me. We’ll create a personalized plan to help you stop waiting and start moving forward. The time to start is now.
🎧 Listen now, and let’s get you out of that holding pattern!
🔗 Resources Mentioned:
- 🎁 Enter to Win a Free Copy of My Book: click here
- 📖 Grab My Free Guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond)
- 🤍 Book a Free Thrive Call: https://calendly.com/lanamanikowski/strategy-session
You don’t have to wait for your life to start.
The question is: If not now, when?
Infertility and Self-Blame: It’s Time to Let Go of Guilt After IVF and Fertility Treatments Failed
Have you ever found yourself questioning every decision you made on your fertility journey? Wondering if you should have started trying sooner, chosen a different doctor, lost more weight, or pursued another round of IVF? If self-blame has become a constant companion after infertility and failed fertility treatments, you are not alone. So many women who are childless after infertility carry a heavy burden of guilt, believing that somehow, they could have done something differently to change the outcome.
But here’s the truth: infertility was never your fault. You did the best you could with the information, resources, and circumstances you had at the time. Blaming yourself isn’t helping - it’s keeping you stuck. It’s time to stop carrying the weight of guilt and start moving toward a future that feels fulfilling, even without the children you dreamed of.
In This Episode, You’ll Learn: 💔 Why infertility and self-blame go hand in hand—and how to break free from the cycle of guilt 💬 The most common thoughts women have after failed IVF and fertility treatments—and why they aren’t true 🔗 How guilt impacts your relationships, marriage, and self-worth—and how to rebuild confidence ✨ The truth about control—why infertility was never in your hands and why it's time to let go of the illusion that you could have changed the outcome 🌱 How to release self-blame and start moving forward—without the weight of infertility guilt holding you back
You Don’t Have to Stay Stuck in Guilt If infertility has left you feeling like you failed, it’s time for a new perspective. You are not broken. Your worth is not measured by motherhood. And most importantly—you don’t have to carry this guilt alone.
If you’re ready to move forward and release the blame you’ve been holding onto, I invite you to join me for a free Thrive Call. This is your opportunity to talk about where you are, how self-blame is impacting your life, and what it would feel like to finally let it go. Together, we’ll create a plan to help you take the first step toward a future that feels meaningful, even without the children you longed for.
🔗 Schedule your free call here: Book a Thrive Call
Exciting News! 📖 My book So Now What? launches on April 2nd! I need your help choosing the final back cover design. Head over to my Instagram (@lana.manikowski), check out my latest reels, and vote for your favorite. I’m also giving away signed copies—stay tuned for details on how to enter!
💌 FREE RESOURCE: If you’ve ever struggled with what to say when people make insensitive comments about your childlessness, I have something for you. Download The Top 27 Things People Say When You Are Childless (...and how to respond) for free: Get Your Copy here!
You Are More Than Your Fertility Journey Infertility and failed fertility treatments may have shaped your past, but they do not define your future. It’s time to release the blame, let go of the guilt, and start embracing the life that is waiting for you.
If this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend who needs to hear it. Your story is not over—it’s just beginning. 💛
🎧 Listen now and take the first step toward healing, self-acceptance, and a future filled with possibility.
How to Handle Pity When You’re Childless After Infertility If you’ve ever felt the sting of someone’s pity—whether it’s the sad look, the heavy sigh, or the “I just feel so bad for you” comment—you’re not alone. When you’ve been through fertility treatments like IVF and IUI, only to walk away without the child you dreamed of, the last thing you need is for others to make you feel like your life is something to mourn.
In this episode of The ‘So Now What?’ Podcast, we’re talking about how to recognize and process both your own feelings of sorrow and the misplaced pity that others place on you. If you’ve struggled with feeling like people see your life as incomplete because you’re childless—not by choice—this conversation is for you.
In This Episode, You’ll Learn: 💔 Why feeling sorry for yourself sometimes is okay—and how to move forward without guilt. 🧠 How to stop internalizing other people’s pity—so you don’t start believing their sadness for you. 👀 Why people pity childless women—and how their words are often more about them than you. 🗣️ How to confidently respond when people say things like “I wish you could have had a baby”—without feeling like you have to justify your happiness or explain your sadness.
Your life is not something to be pitied. If you’ve ever felt the weight of infertility, failed IVF, and the unexpected reality of a childless future, I want you to know—there is still so much for you. You can create a meaningful, fulfilling life, even though it looks different than you expected.
And if you don’t know what that looks like yet? That’s what I help with. Book a free Thrive Call and let’s create a plan that helps you move forward—so you feel connected to your future instead of stuck in the loss of a dream.
Links & Resources: 📖 My Book So Now What? is Coming Soon!—Want updates on the release? Click here. 📞 Book a Free Thrive Call—Let’s create a plan to help you thrive after infertility: Schedule here. 📩 Join My Email List—Get exclusive deals on Thrive After Infertility and weekly encouragement: Sign up here. 🗂️ Download My Free Guide: 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (and How to Respond)—So you can handle these conversations with confidence: Get it here.
You are not alone, and your story is far from over. Let’s release the weight of pity and start embracing what’s next.
Do you feel like you don’t belong because you’re not part of the "parent club"?
Maybe you’ve noticed friendships shift as kids come into the picture, or you’ve caught yourself feeling excluded from conversations or outings.
That sting of being left out is real, and it often taps into a much deeper wound—the grief of the dream of motherhood that didn’t come true.
In this week’s episode of The 'So Now What?' Podcast, we’re unpacking this tender topic:
- Why parenthood seems to create a natural “club” that can leave you feeling like an outsider.
- How feelings of exclusion connect to the grief of childlessness after infertility.
- Personal stories of navigating shifting friendships and feeling left out of social circles.
- Strategies to stop taking it personally—even when it still stings.
- How to find connection and meaning on your own terms, without needing to fit into the “parent club.”
You’ll leave this episode with a new perspective, encouragement to rebuild relationships authentically, and a reminder that your life and connections are deeply meaningful—just as they are.
💌 Never miss an episode! Sign up for my Love Letters and get each new episode delivered straight to your inbox. Click here
🎧 Listen now and discover how to feel confident and connected—even without kids.
📅 Upcoming Free Masterclass: Join me this Thursday, January 30, at 6 PM CT for How to Confidently Navigate Things People Say When You Are Childless. Learn how to handle intrusive questions and unsolicited advice with confidence and ease.
Save your spot here: Register now.
✨ Ready to thrive? Book a free 45-minute Thrive Call with me and let’s create a personalized plan to move forward into a fulfilling future. Schedule your call.
The Top 27 Things People Say When You Are Childless (...and how to respond): Download your free copy here!
Stay connected with me: 📩 Sign up for Love Letters 📅 Register for the Masterclass 📞 Book Your Thrive Call 📱 Instagram: @lana.manikowski 📹 YouTube: Lana Manikowski 🎵 TikTok: @lana.manikowski
#ChildlessNotByChoice #NavigatingInfertility #LifeAfterInfertility #YouAreEnough #ThriveAfterInfertility #SoNowWhatPodcast
Episode Summary: Many people believe that time will naturally heal the pain of being childless after infertility, but what if that isn’t true? In this episode of The 'So Now What?' Podcast, Lana dives into a powerful story shared by a woman in her 60s, who has spent decades hoping time would ease the ache of childlessness—only to find herself still struggling with the same feelings of disconnection and loss.
Through this heartfelt and thought-provoking conversation, Lana unpacks why the belief that "time heals all wounds" can keep you feeling stuck and disconnected from the life you deserve. She explains how our brains use defense mechanisms to protect us from disappointment but often hold us back from creating the lives we truly want.
Lana also shares her own pivotal moment of realizing that the life she was living wasn’t the one she wanted and how taking intentional steps—rather than waiting for time to heal her—changed everything.
What You'll Learn in This Episode:
- Why the idea that "time will heal" might not be enough to overcome the ache of childlessness.
- How fear of disappointment keeps us stuck in a comfort zone that feels anything but comfortable.
- The power of deciding to create the life you want, even when it looks nothing like the life you envisioned.
- Real-life examples of women who moved from just "getting by" to thriving in their childless lives.
Connect with Lana:
- Website: www.LanaManikowski.com
- Instagram: @LanaManikowski
- Join the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind: Learn More
- Book a Thrive Call: Schedule Here
Take the Next Step: If you’ve been telling yourself that time will eventually heal your wounds but still feel stuck, it’s time to take action. Imagine feeling confident, joyful, and connected one year from now. The life you want is possible—if you’re ready to stop waiting and start creating it today.
Don’t let another year pass by without taking a step toward thriving. Listen to this episode and discover how to begin your journey toward a fulfilling, childless life.
Share This Episode: If this episode resonated with you or someone you know, share it on social media or send it directly to a friend who might need this message. Let’s keep the conversation going and support one another in thriving after infertility.
In this week’s episode of The So Now What? Podcast, we’re diving into a deeply relatable topic: the habit of self-blame when things don’t go as planned—especially when it comes to your fertility journey. If you’ve ever poured your heart and soul into IVF treatments, followed every protocol, and still didn’t achieve the outcome you dreamed of, this episode is for you.
Drawing parallels from a recent personal experience, I share how easy it is to feel like you’ve fallen short despite doing everything right. You’ll learn why blaming yourself only deepens the hurt and how to shift your focus toward celebrating your efforts instead of dwelling on what didn’t work out.
I’ll also share stories of women like you who have stopped measuring their worth by outcomes beyond their control and started creating meaningful milestones in their lives. From rediscovering old passions to building a life that feels true and fulfilling, you’ll hear what’s possible when you choose to stop shaming yourself and start showing up as your own greatest supporter.
Key Takeaways:
- Why self-blame feels natural after infertility but ultimately holds you back.
- The connection between shame and your sense of self-worth.
- How to rewrite the narrative of what success and fulfillment look like without children.
- The transformative power of compassion in how you speak to yourself.
Resources Mentioned:
- Free Resource: Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless and How to Respond.
Ready to Take the Next Step? If this resonates with you, book a free Thrive Call. In just 45 minutes, we’ll create a plan to help you feel more fulfilled and confident about the future. Click here to book your Thrive Call now.
Connect With Me:
- Instagram: @lanamanikowski
- YouTube: Lana Manikowski
- TikTok: @lanamanikowski
You’ve worked so hard already—it’s time to create a life that makes you feel proud of who you are. 💜
Welcome to The So Now What? Podcast with Lana Manikowski. In this episode, we kick off the new year by exploring a life-changing question: How long are you willing to wait to believe that something is possible for you?
If you’ve left fertility treatments without the child you dreamed of—or if you’re feeling stuck in the aftermath of your infertility journey—this episode is for you.
You'll hear:
- Why dreaming again can feel impossible after infertility and how to shift that mindset.
- How to stop anchoring your future to the pain and disappointment of your past.
- What it means to reconnect with the version of you that exists today—a childless, determined woman capable of creating new dreams.
- The transformative question that helped Lana move forward and create a fulfilling, childless life.
Lana also introduces you to the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind, a 12-week program designed to help you reconnect with who you are today and build a life that feels meaningful without the milestones of motherhood. If support groups leave you feeling stuck, this growth-oriented program could be what you need to start thriving.
🎯 Take the first step: Book a free, 45-minute Thrive Call with Lana to create a personalized plan for your next chapter. No strings attached.
🌟 Plus, don’t miss Lana’s free resource: "The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless—and How to Respond." Download it at LanaManikowski.com/thingspeoplesay.
Your dreams are still possible, and your future can feel fulfilling again. Tune in to this episode to take the first step toward believing in what’s possible for you.
💌 Connect with Lana:
- Website: LanaManikowski.com
- Instagram: @LanaManikowski
- YouTube: @lana.manikowski
- Podcast: Subscribe to The So Now What? Podcast wherever you listen.
✨ Remember: It's never too late to discover your meaning.
Merry Christmas to Those Who Celebrate
This week's episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast is here to guide you through the complexities of the holiday season, especially if you're navigating the challenges of being childless after infertility treatments. Christmas can be a beautiful season of nostalgia and tradition, but it can also bring unexpected emotions - grief, longing, and loneliness - if your journey to motherhood didn’t turn out as planned.
🎄 What You'll Learn in This Episode:
- How to acknowledge and honor your experiences this year.
- A unique and empowering exercise: writing a letter to Santa from your adult self.
The Letter to Santa Exercise Instead of writing a wish list, this letter is an opportunity to reflect on the strength, growth, and accomplishments you've achieved throughout the year. Acknowledge the challenges you’ve faced and celebrate how far you’ve come. Then, look ahead to your hopes for the future.
✨ Highlights of Lana’s Letter to Santa:
- Recognizing the bravery to leave a corporate job and start a coaching career.
- Embracing life without motherhood at its center and finding joy in new connections.
- Asking for continued strength, self-compassion, and belief in a fulfilling future.
Now, it’s your turn. Grab a piece of paper or your journal and write your own letter to Santa. Let this be a moment of self-discovery, healing, and celebration.
Feeling Stuck? Book a Free Thrive Call If you’re unsure how to move forward or need guidance as you process the loss of a dream of motherhood, Lana invites you to schedule a free 45-minute Thrive Call. You can book your’s here. This is your chance to connect with someone who truly understands where you are and help you create a plan to move forward.
🎁 Lana’s Gift to You Download a free resource: The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless and How to Respond. It’s perfect for navigating those tricky holiday conversations. Get your copy here!
Let’s Stay Connected Follow Lana on Instagram @lana.manikowski for more support and insights, and don’t forget to check your email for a replay of her recent masterclass, Handling the Holidays.
💖 As you navigate the holiday season, remember: You are seen. You are strong. And it’s never too late to discover your meaning.
Merry Christmas, and see you next week! 🌟
The holidays can feel especially heavy when you're childless after infertility and IVF. In this episode, I'm sharing heartfelt insights and practical strategies to help you navigate this season with grace, even when it feels like everything revolves around kids.
Whether you're grieving the loss of a dream of motherhood after fertility treatments failed you, feeling out of place at family gatherings, or looking for new ways to make the season meaningful, this episode is for you.
Join me as I offer support, validation, and actionable tips to help you honor your emotions, set boundaries, and create moments of joy that align with your life.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
- How to Honor Your Grief and Emotions: Why it's common to feel both sadness and joy this season, especially after navigating infertility and childlessness after IVF failed.
- Setting Boundaries at Family Gatherings: How to protect your emotional well-being while showing up in a way that feels true to you.
- Navigating Holiday Triggers: Managing the constant reminders of what you hoped life would look like, from social media to family traditions, and why it’s normal to feel the grief of being childless after infertility.
- Creating Your Joyful Traditions: Ideas for new ways to celebrate that bring comfort and meaning to your holiday season when life without children looks different than you expected.
- Why You’re Not Alone: Real stories of support and love, even when life looks different than you dreamed, and why community matters when you are childless not by choice.
Special Invitation:
Join my FREE Masterclass on Thursday, December 19th at 6 PM Central Time where we’ll dive deeper into handling the holidays without children. I’ll share more tools and ideas to help you feel prepared, connected, and at peace this season, even if you’re childless after infertility.
Register Here
Key Moments:
- [00:01:31] Healing and the love I received—even without kids, and how I am processing life after IVF.
- [00:03:08] How the holidays highlight grief and bring up unexpected emotions for childless women after infertility.
- [00:06:32] The truth about grief: it doesn’t disappear, but we can learn to carry it with us.
- [00:07:25] Setting boundaries and permitting yourself to step back when needed.
- [00:08:31] Ideas to create new, meaningful traditions that honor your experience as a woman without children.
- [00:10:32] Holding two emotions at once: joy for others and grief for yourself.
Quotes to Inspire You:
- “Your worth is not defined by whether or not you have children. Your presence matters deeply.”
- “You can love your nieces and nephews while also grieving what hasn’t happened for you.”
- “The holidays can feel heavy, but you don’t have to navigate them alone.”
Connect with Me:
YouTube: @lana.manikowski
Instagram: @lana.manikowski
TikTok: @lana.manikowski
Website: lanamanikowski.com
Resources Mentioned:
- Register for the Free Masterclass: Handling the Holidays: Managing Your Family, Traditions, and Celebrations Without Kids
- Free Resource: The Top 2️⃣7️⃣ Things People Say When You Are Childless (...and how to respond)
If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who may need to hear this message. Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review—it helps me reach more women navigating life after infertility and IVF who need to hear they are not alone.
You are seen. You are loved. And you are not alone.
In today’s episode of The 'So Now What?' Podcast, we’re tackling a deeply personal fear that many women who are childless after infertility and IVF struggle with: the fear of growing old alone. When the dream of motherhood doesn’t become a reality, it’s natural to worry about who will be there to care for us as we age. We often think that without children, we’re missing a safety net for the future. But what if that isn’t the whole story?
Lana Manikowski, certified life coach and advocate for women who are childless after infertility, shares a personal story about the recent outpouring of support she received after a sudden injury. From friends offering rides and food deliveries to unexpected check-ins, Lana’s experience highlights a powerful reminder: family, love, and care come in many forms — not just from children.
In this episode, we’ll explore:
-
Why the fear of aging alone affects so many childless women after fertility treatments
-
Practical ways to redefine what “family” and “support” can look like in our lives
-
Steps to build intentional community and meaningful relationships that bring love, connection, and support
-
How to ease the uncertainty of the future by planning and building a fulfilling life without the milestones of motherhood
Join us for this heartfelt discussion on shifting our perspective, letting go of the “what ifs,” and finding reassurance in the connections we’re building today.
Tune in to learn more about:
-
How to embrace a fulfilling future as a childless woman after infertility
-
Ways to find and nurture a support system beyond biological family
-
Practical tips to let go of the fear of aging alone without children
-
Strategies to build a strong, caring community after IVF and fertility treatments
Links Mentioned:
-Register for the Free Holiday MasterClass here
- Free Resource: “The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (…and how to respond)
Download this helpful guide to handle common questions and comments that can feel intrusive or hurtful: https://lanamanikowski.com/thingspeoplesay
Welcome to The "So Now What?" Podcast. I am so glad that you're here. I created this podcast because I remember what it felt like after I left fertility treatments without the child that I dreamed of. When I looked around for resources to help me navigate a life I hadn't planned for, I found so few that truly spoke to the experiences of an unexpected childless life.
In 2021, I became a certified life coach and started this podcast because I knew that other women were searching - just like I was - for ways to thrive and feel fulfilled, even without the children that we dreamed of. On this playlist, I'm sharing a few of my favorite episodes just to help you get started, but I also encourage you to dive in to any of the others that might resonate with you. Each week I release about a 10 or 15-minute episode to offer support, acknowledgement, and real life strategies to help you recognize that you are not alone.
Together, we'll look for opportunities to move forward and redefine what a fulfilling life can look like, even though it turned out so differently than you imagined.
If you want to learn more about my coaching practice and the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind, you can visit my website, lanamanikowski. com. And if you're in the Chicago area, I'd love for you to join my meetup group. We have an awesome group of women who are childless and childfree, We get together every so often and connect, share, and support each other.
And if you find yourself wanting to visit the Chicago area on Mother's Day weekend, I would love for you to join me at the Other's Day Brunch, an annual event that has gotten national media attention. It's a celebration I host every year the day before Mother's Day to create connection, awareness and unity for women who don't have children at a time that feels so hard.
All right, so let's dive in.
Welcome to Episode 147 of The “So Now What?” Podcast with Lana Manikowski. In this special episode, Lana dives deep into the often-overlooked journey that follows fertility treatments for women who leave without a child. Whether you’re a fertility doctor, clinic staff, mental health provider, or a woman navigating life after infertility, this episode highlights the unmet needs and real stories from women who feel unseen after treatment ends.
Highlights:
Free Masterclass on Handling the Holidays
Join Lana’s free MasterClass on November 20 at 6 p.m. CST to learn how to manage holiday gatherings and traditions when childless after infertility. In this live class, you’ll gain strategies for building new traditions, handling family dynamics, and creating a plan for holiday celebrations. Register here to reserve your spot!
When Treatment Ends: What Childless Women Really Want
Lana addresses the gap in support often felt after IVF and fertility treatments conclude. Without a plan or follow-up, patients are left to navigate grief, mental health challenges, and marital and social dynamics alone. Lana shares her recent discussions at the American Society for Reproductive Medicine’s Congress, where she raised awareness about the importance of continued support for patients who leave treatment without a child.
Real Voices from Infertiole, Childless, Women Who Needed More
Lana shares direct feedback from her community of listeners and followers. Hear heartfelt perspectives from women who longed for acknowledgment and empathy post-treatment, as well as a structured care plan including mental health resources, peer support networks, and follow-up care. These women are calling for a roadmap to help navigate the grief and redefine purpose after infertility.
Advocating for Better Resources when IVF Fails
Lana encourages women to advocate for their needs by requesting additional resources and post-treatment support from clinics and mental health professionals. To the fertility community, Lana calls for a more holistic approach, recognizing that when treatments end, the journey is far from over for many women. Support beyond the treatment room can bridge a painful void.
Why It Matters:
This episode sheds light on the immense need for a compassionate continuum of care when ferrility treatment ends without children. From practical resources to sensitive emotional support, The "So Now What?" Podcast aims to uplift women who feel left behind and encourages providers to extend the care they give their patients.
Links Mentioned:
-Register for the Free Holiday MasterClass here
- Free Resource: “The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless (…and how to respond)
Download this helpful guide to handle common questions and comments that can feel intrusive or hurtful: https://lanamanikowski.com/thingspeoplesay
For fertility doctors, fertility clinics, and anyone involved in patient care, this episode is a heartfelt reminder that the impact of fertility treatments extends far beyond conception. Understanding and addressing these needs can help more women feel seen and supported through their childless journeys.
Hello, beautiful! I’m so glad you’re here for this week’s episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast.
If you’re watching on YouTube, you’ll notice I’m in a different setting than usual. I’m currently in Denver, attending the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) Annual Congress. This episode might sound a bit different, but it’s coming straight from the heart, and I think it’s one you’ll connect with if you’ve been searching for recognition after leaving IVF or fertility treatments without the child you dreamed of.
In this episode, I share a deeply personal story about reuniting with my reproductive endocrinologist after six years of wondering what I’d say if we ever crossed paths again. This was the doctor who, back in 2018, told me my only frozen embryo wasn’t viable for implantation. It was a moment that shifted everything for me and my journey to motherhood. If you’ve ever felt like you were left to figure out life on your own after fertility treatments, this episode is for you.
I talk about what it was like to finally speak with him face-to-face and express gratitude for his efforts, even though the outcome wasn’t what I’d hoped for. It was also an opportunity to tell him how I’ve moved forward—leaving my corporate career, becoming a life coach, and now dedicating myself to helping women like you who are navigating life after IVF.
As you listen, I want you to think about what you would say if you ever had the chance to speak to your own Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) or fertility team again.
What would you want them to know about where you are today? Whether or not you ever get that chance, it’s important to acknowledge yourself for how far you’ve come and the life you’re creating, even though it looks different than what you envisioned.
After the episode, I encourage you to take a few minutes to write down what your conversation would look like. It’s a powerful exercise in recognizing your strength, resilience, and everything you’ve achieved since your fertility journey ended. And if you’re still feeling unsure about what’s next, I’m here to help.
Book a free Thrive Call with me, and together, we’ll create a plan for how you can move forward feeling fulfilled, even without the children you hoped for. It’s time to thrive again, and I’m here to walk that path with you.
Key Takeaways:
- You’re not alone in feeling left behind after fertility treatments. It’s a common experience to feel lost without the support and guidance you once had.
- Think about what closure looks like for you. Even if you never speak to your RE again, you can still acknowledge what you’ve accomplished since that part of your life ended.
- Your story is yours to create. The narrative around living without children doesn’t have to be one of loss or sadness. You have the power to rewrite your story into something beautiful and fulfilling.
Resources:
- YouTube: Watch this week’s podcast on Youtube. Find my YouTube channel here.
- Free Download: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless and How to Respond. Grab your free copy at https://LanaManikowski.com/thingspeoplesay
- Thrive Call: Ready to create a plan for thriving without the children you dreamed of? Schedule a free Thrive Call with me at https://LanaManikowski.com/thrivecall
Thank you for tuning in this week. Remember, it’s never too late to discover your meaning and create a life that feels whole, even if motherhood wasn’t part of your story. I’m so proud of you for showing up and doing the work to live life on your terms.
Until next week, take care, and know that I see you, I celebrate you, and I love you.
Welcome to this week's episode of The “So Now What?” Podcast. In this episode, you’ll dive into something that may resonate deeply with you, especially if you're a woman who is childless after infertility treatments. Lana opens up about those painful moments when you're surrounded by reminders of what you longed for but never came to pass. If you've ever felt that pang in your heart when someone else has what you so desperately desired, this episode will speak to you.
What You’ll Hear in This Episode:
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Why you might feel pressure to prove your worth through possessions or achievements, especially after your infertility journey.
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How society’s unspoken rules tell you that you need to have something—like a child, a prestigious job, or financial success—to be admired.
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What happens when the one thing you longed for, a child, never comes, and how that affects your sense of worth.
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How to stop looking outside yourself for validation and instead turn inward to find your inherent value.
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The exhaustion that comes with constantly striving for external success and how to break free from the cycle of feeling "not enough."
Lana shares her personal experience of walking past a mother surrounded by people admiring her baby, and how it triggered feelings of inadequacy. She challenges you to consider: what if you didn’t need anyone or anything outside of yourself to prove your worth?
Key Takeaways:
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You don't need to keep acquiring things—whether it's a baby, a degree, or a high-paying job—to feel valuable.
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True worth comes from within. You are enough just as you are, even if you never become a mother.
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You can live a fulfilled, meaningful life without needing to meet society's standards of success and motherhood.
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Reflect on how much you've been through and admire yourself for your strength and resilience in navigating life after infertility.
If you're feeling that familiar pressure to “keep up” or “prove yourself” in a world that values achievements over true self-worth, this episode offers you a moment to pause and realize that you are already enough.
Resources Mentioned:
- Download Lana’s free resource: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless and How to Respond by clicking here
Upcoming Events:
- Stay tuned for details about Lana’s upcoming free masterclass on How to Handle the Holidays as a Childless Woman After Infertility. Sign up for her love letters here to get all the details.
Follow Lana:
- Instagram: @Lana.Manikowski
-YouTube: @lana.manikowski
Be sure to share this episode with anyone who needs to hear this message. Remember, it’s never too late to discover your meaning and create a fulfilled life—no matter what society tells you.
Subscribe & Review:
If you enjoyed this episode, subscribe to The “So Now What?” Podcast and leave a review. Your support helps other women like you find these messages and feel less alone in their journey.
In this week’s episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast, we explore an issue that many women who are childless after infertility experience—feeling overlooked or dismissed as adults simply because they don’t have children. If you've ever felt like society doesn’t take you seriously because you didn’t become a mother, this episode is for you.
In today's conversation, we talk about the challenges of navigating life when you’re seen as "less than" because you didn’t become a parent. Whether at family gatherings or in the workplace, many of us find that our achievements and contributions are often downplayed compared to parenting milestones.
I know how hard it can be to attend family gatherings like Thanksgiving, where conversations revolve around kids and their latest achievements. It’s easy to feel like your work promotions, hobbies, and personal growth aren’t valued in the same way. And if you’ve ever felt like your colleagues think your life lacks the complexity or responsibility of parenthood, you're not alone.
In this episode, I’ll guide you through ways to reclaim your confidence and remind yourself—and others—that your worth is not defined by your ability to have children. We’ll also explore how to celebrate your accomplishments and embrace the multifaceted woman that you are, beyond the narrow societal definition of adulthood.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
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Why society often overlooks women without children and how it impacts your self-worth.
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How to confidently navigate family events and workplace dynamics without feeling diminished.
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Practical steps to stop shrinking and start celebrating your life and accomplishments, even without children.
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How to break free from societal expectations and redefine what it means to be a grown-up.
Sign Up for the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind
Are you ready to stop feeling sidelined and start thriving? Join me in my Thrive After Infertility Mastermind this fall, where we’ll dive deep into reclaiming your narrative, celebrating your achievements, and navigating the complexities of the holidays without children.
The final class of the year starts soon, and it includes bonus support around the holiday season—Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and beyond.
How to join?
Book Your Free Thrive Call here.
Sign up for a free 45-minute Thrive Call to explore how you can create a fulfilling life without the children you dreamed of. In this call, we’ll discuss your challenges and aspirations, and I’ll share how the Mastermind can help you thrive in ways you never thought possible.
Get Your Free Guide
If you’ve ever been in a conversation where people offer unsolicited advice on how to become a mom, download my free resource,
The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless and How to Respond.
Head over to LanaManikowski.com/thingspeoplesay or click here to get your copy.
I hope this episode reminds you that you ARE enough, just as you are.
Your life is meaningful and valuable—even without the children you once dreamed of.
Tune in, and let’s break down the myths around what it means to be an adult.
After going through infertility treatments, including IVF, many women find themselves facing life without the child they hoped for. This journey of being childless not by choice is filled with grief, heartache, and often, a deep sense of comparison. You may be asking yourself questions like, “Why can’t my life look like hers?” or “What am I supposed to do now without the milestones of motherhood to guide me?”
In this episode, I want to remind you that while it’s natural to compare yourself to others, it’s not where your fulfillment lies. You can begin to break free from those comparisons and create a life that is rich with meaning—even when it doesn’t involve children.
We’ll talk about what it looks like to reclaim your body after years of IVF and fertility treatments, let go of the idea that motherhood is the only path to joy, and start building a future that excites and fulfills you.
Imagine waking up each morning, no longer weighed down by the question of “What if?”
Instead, you’re filled with the excitement of new possibilities.
You’re investing in your passions, learning new things, and finding ways to make a difference in the world. Your body feels like a place of strength again—not because you had a baby, but because you’re learning to appreciate what it can do, how it moves, and the joy it brings you in everyday moments.
This episode is all about helping you stop comparing your life to others and start living with purpose, joy, and fulfillment.
Your life, just as it is, has so much beauty to offer.
Links and Resources:
- Ready to thrive after infertility? Click here to join the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind
- Feeling stuck? Click here to book your Free Thrive Call today
- Let’s connect! Follow me on Instagram for daily encouragement: @Lana.Manikowski
Subscribe & Review: If today’s episode spoke to you, please consider subscribing and leaving a review. Share your thoughts, let me know how this episode helped you, and spread the word so we can reach more women who are on this journey of being childless after infertility and IVF.
You don’t have to navigate this alone—together, we can find meaning and fulfillment beyond comparison.
If you’re childless after infertility treatments, you are not alone, even though it might feel like you are. In this episode, I open up about my personal journey through seven years of fertility treatments, only to end up without the child I dreamed of. I know firsthand how devastating and isolating this experience can be. What most women don’t realize is that these feelings—grief, confusion, loss of purpose—are prevalent among women who have undergone IVF or fertility treatments without having a child.
But here’s the truth: most fertility clinics don’t offer the support or resources to help you make sense of life after treatments. We’re left to navigate this uncharted, unexpected path without guidance. That’s where today’s episode comes in. I’ll walk you through the 10 most common struggles women face after unsuccessful fertility treatments, and more importantly, I’ll show you how you can begin to shift your perspective so these struggles no longer define your life.
Key Points from This Episode
- Grief and Loss
Grieving after infertility is specific and complex.Grieving the loss of your dream of motherhood is deep and often unacknowledged by others. It doesn’t have to define you forever.
- Identity and Purpose
When motherhood doesn’t happen, it can feel like you’ve lost your identity. But there is so much more to you than the title of “mom.” You can redefine your life and find purpose in a way that is fulfilling.
- Feelings of Failure
It’s easy to feel like your body failed you, but infertility is not your fault. Learning to release self-judgment is crucial to moving forward and finding peace.
- Compassion and Jealousy
Seeing friends and family share milestones with their children can lead to feelings of comparison and jealousy. But you can release those feelings and celebrate your own unique journey.
- Isolation
Infertility and childlessness can be isolating. You’re not alone in feeling this way. Finding a community that truly understands what you’re going through is important.
- Relationships with Partners
Infertility puts a strain on relationships, but it’s possible to reconnect with your partner in a deeper way once you release the weight of grief.
- Navigating Friendships
Being the only childless friend in your circle can feel isolating, but your friendships can evolve, and you can still find meaningful connection.
- Cultural and Social Expectations
Society places a lot of pressure on women to find purpose in motherhood. However, you define your own success, and it doesn’t have to include children.
- Uncertainty About the Future
When your future no longer includes children, it can feel like you’ve lost direction. But you can create a new vision for your life that feels exciting and full of possibility.
- Fear of Aging Alone
The fear of growing old without children is real, but you can build meaningful relationships and a support system that gives you love and care throughout your life.
Why This Episode Matters:
The feelings you’re experiencing after leaving fertility treatments without a child are not unique to you. They are incredibly common, yet rarely talked about. Most fertility clinics don’t provide resources for women in this situation, which leaves us feeling alone. But you don’t have to stay stuck in these feelings forever. There is a way to shift your perspective and move from merely surviving to thriving.
In this episode, I share how the women I’ve helped through my Thrive After Infertility Mastermind have shifted their lives from being consumed by grief and loss to feeling fulfilled and hopeful for the future. As someone with an advanced certification in grief and post-traumatic growth, I understand the weight you’re carrying, and I’m here to help you transform your life.
Resources Mentioned:
Thrive After Infertility: A 12-week coaching program for women who are childless after infertility, and craving a sisterhood with women who are ready to thrive and feel fulfilled without the children you always dreamed of
-Free Thrive Call: Ready to explore what’s next for you? Let’s get on a free call and create a plan that helps you move forward.
- Free Resource: Grab my free guide, “The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless and How to Respond”.
Join the Conversation
Have you experienced any of these struggles? How are you working through them? Connect with me on Instagram @lana.manikowski and let’s continue this important conversation. Remember, you don’t have to navigate this journey alone.
Welcome to another episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast! This week, we’re diving into the important topic of body image after infertility—a struggle many women face when their journey to motherhood didn’t go as planned. If you’ve been feeling disconnected or resentful toward your body after years of fertility treatments, this episode is for you.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why body image struggles are common for women who are childless after infertility.
- How to begin the process of healing your relationship with your body by focusing on what your body does for you every day.
- The benefits of gentle movement and why it’s important to move your body with kindness.
- How to embrace body neutrality as a step toward self-acceptance, even if body positivity feels out of reach right now.
- Practical self-care tips to help you reconnect with your body, including writing down three things you’re grateful for each day.
This episode also touches on self-compassion and how small shifts in how you think about your body can lead to big changes in how you feel about it. Whether it's appreciating that your body allows you to take a walk, or simply that it keeps you alive each day, reconnecting with your body is possible—one step at a time.
Lana also introduces her Fall Thrive After Infertility Mastermind, a 12-week coaching program designed to support you through challenging holidays like Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. You’ll get the tools and community to help you thrive, even when it feels like life didn’t go according to plan.
Key Takeaways from This Episode:
- Body Image After Infertility: Understanding why infertility can make you feel disconnected from your body and how to start healing.
- Gentle Movement and Self-Care: How small acts of kindness, like yoga or a walk, can help you feel more connected to yourself.
- Body Neutrality: Why you don’t have to love your body right away, but you can learn to accept and care for it.
Want More Support?
- Get the replay of Lana’s free class on handling awkward questions about not having kids. Just email her at hi@lanamanikowski.com or DM her on Instagram.
- Join the Fall Thrive After Infertility Mastermind: Learn more about this supportive, transformative program here.
- Download Lana’s free guide: The Top 27 Things People Say When You’re Childless and How to Respond at LanaManikowski.com/thingspeoplesay.
In this episode, Lana dives into the complex emotions that can arise when you’re the only one in your group of friends who is childless after infertility. If you've ever felt like an outsider among your BFFs as they talk about their kids, this episode is for you. Lana explores how to maintain meaningful connections, even when your life looks different from those around you. She shares personal stories and practical advice on how to embrace your unique journey, reclaim your relevance in your friendships, and feel empowered in your childless future.
What You’ll Learn:
- How to recognize that your value in friendships isn’t diminished just because you don’t have kids.
- Tips on finding common ground with your friends that doesn’t center around motherhood.
- The importance of embracing your own journey and sharing your unique perspective with your friends.
- How to set compassionate boundaries with friends who are moms, and why it’s okay to do so.
- Ways to feel connected and relevant in conversations, even if you don’t have parenting stories to share.
Key Takeaways:
- You don’t have to relate 100% to everyone’s experiences to feel connected and valued.
- Your friends appreciate you for who you are, not for how closely your life mirrors theirs.
- It’s okay to set boundaries when certain topics or events feel too painful, and real friends will respect that.
- Embracing your journey as a childless woman can deepen your connections with your friends.
- You have the power to create and maintain meaningful connections, regardless of your childless status.
Resources Mentioned:
- Free Class: Register for Lana's free upcoming coaching class on September 10th about how to handle comments and questions when you're childless. If you can’t make it live, don’t worry—register to receive the replay.
- Thrive After Infertility Mastermind: Interested in joining Lana’s next Thrive After Infertility Mastermind starting on October 1st? This program is designed for women ready to move beyond their infertility journey and create a life they love.
- Free Resource: Get Lana’s free guide, "The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless and How to Respond," at LanaManikowski.com/thingspeoplesay.
Support the Podcast: If you enjoyed this episode, please consider rating and reviewing the podcast. Screenshot your review and send it to Lana to receive a $5 Starbucks gift card as a thank you! Your reviews help other women who are searching for resources to find the support they need.
Stay Connected:
- Follow Lana on Instagram: @LanaManikowski
- Join the conversation on Facebook: Lana’s Facebook Page
Thank you for listening! Remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning and fall in love with your life again. Tune in next week for another empowering episode.
Welcome to this week's episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast! In this episode, we're diving into a subject that many women who are childless after infertility can relate to—managing emotions during back-to-school season when you weren’t able to have kids. This time of year can bring a mix of emotions—sadness, frustration, comparison, and even a deep sense of loss—as you see friends, family, and social media filled with photos of children heading off to school.
For those of us who went through infertility treatments and now find ourselves living a life without children, back-to-school season can be a stark reminder of what we hoped for and what didn’t come to pass. It’s easy to feel as though life is moving forward for everyone else while you’re stuck watching from the sidelines. In this episode, we’ll explore how to manage these emotions with self-compassion and how to break free from the comparisons that can drain your joy and sense of worth.
What to Expect in This Episode: * Why Back-to-School Season is Emotionally Difficult for Women Who Are Childless After Infertility: We’ll discuss the complex emotions that can arise during this time of year—whether it’s seeing kids with their backpacks heading off to their first day of school or hearing friends share their back-to-school routines. We’ll explore how these reminders can trigger grief and feelings of being left out. * How Comparison Undermines Your Wellbeing: Comparison is a common reaction, especially for women who are childless after infertility. We’ll break down why women in this situation often find themselves comparing their lives to those of women with children, and how this comparison cycle can prevent you from fully embracing your life. * Validating Your Feelings: It’s important to give yourself permission to feel the sadness, anger, or jealousy that can surface during back-to-school season. I’ll share why acknowledging and validating your emotions is essential, and how it can actually be a powerful step toward healing. * Practicing Self-Compassion: We’ll talk about how to be gentle with yourself when feelings of self-judgment creep in. It’s common to think that your life is lacking or that you’re somehow less worthy because you didn’t have children. I’ll offer practical strategies to help you show yourself more kindness and acceptance. * Reframing the Back-to-School Experience: While back-to-school season can be challenging, it’s also an opportunity to shift your focus toward celebrating the unique and fulfilling life you’ve built. We’ll explore how you can create new traditions during this time of year that reflect your growth and achievements—whether or not they involve children.
Why This Episode Matters for Women Who Are Childless After Infertility If you’ve gone through infertility treatments and ultimately didn’t have children, back-to-school season can be a particularly emotional time. It can feel like a constant reminder of what you longed for and the life you imagined. Everywhere you turn, there are photos and stories of children going off to school, which can stir up feelings of grief, longing, and exclusion.
But it’s important to remember that you are not alone in these feelings. Many women who are childless not by choice experience these same emotions, and they’re valid. Through this episode, I want to offer you the tools to manage those emotions, so that back-to-school season doesn’t have to feel like a painful reminder of what didn’t happen, but rather a time for self-compassion, reflection, and growth.
Episode Takeaways: * Understand why back-to-school season can be emotionally challenging for women who are childless after infertility. * Learn how comparison can undermine your sense of worth and prevent you from fully embracing your life without children. * Discover the importance of validating your emotions and showing yourself compassion during this emotional season. * Get practical tips for reframing your experience of back-to-school season and finding fulfillment in your own unique journey.
If back-to-school season has been tough for you, or if you’ve found yourself feeling triggered by the children and families around you, this episode is here to support you. Tune in to learn how to navigate these difficult emotions with grace and self-compassion, and how to find peace—even when your life looks different than what you once imagined.
Links and Resources: * Free Guide - The Top 27 Things People Say When you are Childless (..and how to respond): Get your copy here * Sign up for my FREE coaching class on September 10th: Click here to registerThis class will teach you how to confidently handle the question, “How many kids do you have?” with ease and strength. * Join the conversation: Follow me on Instagram @lana.manikowski to connect with a community of women who understand what you’re going through. Share your story, offer support to others, and let’s lift each other up as we continue to thrive, even after infertility.
Thank you for tuning in to this week’s episode. Your journey is uniquely yours, and it’s my honor to be a part of it. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who might need to hear these words.
Remember: You are worthy, you are loved, and your life matters—just as it is.
Welcome and Personal Update
- Vacation Preparation: Lana discusses the anxiety she felt as she prepared for her first vacation since leaving her corporate job, and how this trip is a significant change from her previous work-focused vacations.
Upcoming Free Coaching Class
- Free Webinar Announcement: Lana is hosting a free coaching class on September 10th at 6 PM CT. This session is designed to help those who struggle with responding to the question, "Do you have children?"
- Registration Details: You can sign up here: Sign Up for the Free Webinar. For those unable to attend live, a replay will be sent to all registered participants.
Today's Topic: Unpacking Anxiousness Around Vacation
- Working with a Life Coach: Lana explains how her recent session with her life coach brought up feelings of anxiety related to not working during her vacation. This was the first time she would be traveling without the responsibilities of her former corporate job.
- Past Corporate Life: Lana reflects on her time working in the medical field, where she often felt tethered to her job even during vacations. She recounts moments where she would hide in the bathroom to take work calls, illustrating how deeply her identity was tied to her work.
The Link Between Work and Self-Worth
- Job as Identity: Lana discusses how, for many women who are childless not by choice, their careers become a major source of validation and worthiness. She shares her own experience of feeling successful and validated through her job, especially after the emotional toll of infertility treatments.
- Common Struggles in Life After Infertility: Lana touches on how many women in her Thrive After Infertility Mastermind program face similar challenges—using work as a way to measure success and self-worth, often driven by the label of being a "failed patient" in fertility treatments.
Coaching Insights: Learning to Relax
- Feelings Work: During her coaching session, Lana did some “feelings work” to identify where her anxiety was manifesting physically. This exercise helped her realize she had difficulty relaxing and not working on vacation.
- Nervousness About Free Time: Lana also uncovered nervousness about spending uninterrupted time with her husband, despite their close relationship and shared love for travel. She questioned whether she knew how to enjoy downtime without the distraction of work.
- Reframing Vacation: By the end of her coaching session, Lana decided to allow herself to fully enjoy her vacation without the pressure to work. She prepared her business tasks in advance and planned to focus on reading—a goal aligned with her vision board.
Vision Board and Intentions for Vacation
- Choosing Activities Over Work: Lana shares how she selected two books to bring on vacation, aiming to replace any urges to work with reading. She emphasized the importance of aligning her vacation activities with the intentions on her vision board, which included relaxation and quality time with her husband, not working.
- Vision Board Inspiration: Lana encourages listeners to revisit her Instagram post from August 7th to see her vision board, which visually represents her goals for relaxation and connection during her vacation.
Final Thoughts and Invitation to Connect
- Free Coaching Session Offer: If this resonates with you and you'd like to talk through anything that's been holding you back, I’d love to help. You can schedule a free Thrive Session with me using this link: Schedule a Thrive Session.
Conclusion
- Encouragement: Lana closes the episode by acknowledging that none of us need to work during vacation and encourages listeners to embrace relaxation and enjoyment fully.
Introduction Welcome back, gorgeous! By the time you listen to this, I’ll be in Turek, Poland, celebrating a family wedding. As excited as I am about this trip, I want to share something equally important with you—how to let go of the disappointment that often follows unsuccessful IVF and infertility treatments. If you’re struggling with feelings of failure or sadness because you couldn’t have children after all your efforts, this episode is for you.
Free Webinar: How to Handle Awkward Questions About Kids Before we dive in, I want to remind you about a free webinar I’m hosting on September 10th at 6 PM Central Time. This class is designed to help you navigate those awkward and painful moments when someone asks, “Do you have kids?” We’ll discuss how to respond with confidence and self-compassion. If you can’t attend live, you’ll receive a replay—just make sure to register here.
Understanding the Root of Disappointment After IVF In this episode, we explore how disappointment often stems from self-judgment. When you’ve tried everything to become a mother and it hasn’t worked out, it’s easy to feel like you’ve let yourself and others down. But is this disappointment truly warranted? We’ll discuss how to reframe these feelings and stop allowing them to define your self-worth.
Why Disappointment Feels So Overwhelming Feeling disappointed in yourself can be exponentially more painful than being disappointed in others. We talk about why these emotions can be so powerful and how they often keep us from trying new things out of fear that we won’t meet our expectations. Learn how to quiet the loud voice of disappointment and take steps toward self-forgiveness.
Creating a New Narrative for Yourself Living a life of disappointment is not something you signed up for, and it’s certainly not something you deserve. We’ll explore how to create a new narrative—one where you’re not defined by your ability to have children, but by your strength, resilience, and the meaningful life you can still build. This is a crucial part of the work we do in the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind.
Letting Go of Perfectionism and Embracing Acceptance Many women who undergo fertility treatments are high achievers, accustomed to setting goals and reaching them. When motherhood isn’t one of those achievements, it’s easy to feel like a failure. In this episode, I discuss how to let go of the perfectionism that might be holding you back and embrace acceptance and self-compassion instead.
Personal Stories of Disappointment and Healing I share my own journey with disappointment—how I felt like I let down my family, my husband’s family, and myself. We’ll talk about the healing power of realizing that you are not a disappointment and that it’s okay to let go of these negative emotions.
Schedule a Free Thrive Session If this episode resonates with you and you feel stuck in your journey, I’m here to help. You can schedule a free Thrive Session with me to talk through the things that are holding you back and start working towards a more fulfilled and joyful life. Book your session here.
Get Your Free Resource: 27 Things People Say When You're Childless and How to Respond Finally, I’ve created a resource that I think you’ll find invaluable—27 Things People Say When You’re Childless and How to Respond. It’s free and available here!
Thank you for listening! Remember, it’s never too late to discover your meaning, and you are not defined by your ability to have children. Have a beautiful week, and I’ll catch up with you from Italy next time!
Sign Up for the Free Webinar: Register Here
Connect with Me: https://lana-manikowski.myflodesk.com/webinar
- Instagram: @LanaManikowski
- YouTube: Lana Manikowski
- Free Download: The Top 27 Things People Say When You are Childless
Hey there, lovely listeners! Did you know I have a YouTube channel? Yes, I do! You can watch the video version of this podcast, including some fun outtakes, on my YouTube channel at Lana Manikowski on YouTube.
This week, I want to share something that hit me deeply: the parallels between the journey of Olympic athletes and women who undergo fertility treatments. Watching a recent track and field event, I couldn't help but notice how much their experiences resemble ours. Let's dive into it.
The Journey of Preparation Both Olympic athletes and women undergoing fertility treatments spend years preparing for a single dream. Athletes dedicate themselves to grueling training regimens, strict diets, and countless sacrifices. Similarly, you might have faced numerous medical procedures, hormonal treatments, and financial burdens, all with the hope of becoming a mom.
Facing Disappointment Despite all the preparation, not all athletes win a medal. Similarly, many women complete their fertility journey without becoming a mom. The emotional toll, the physical exhaustion, and the financial strain can be overwhelming. But both journeys are marked by an incredible amount of perseverance and strength.
The Role of Support Systems Athletes rely on coaches, teammates, and family for support. For those of us going through fertility treatments, the support system might include partners, doctors, nurses, or online communities. Sadly, not everyone has access to a robust support system, making the journey even more challenging.
Psychological Strength The mental resilience required to face setbacks, whether it's an athlete missing a medal or a woman navigating failed fertility treatments, is immense. The emotional highs and lows, the waiting, the uncertainty—it all takes a toll. But remember, it's okay to grieve, to feel lost, and to seek support.
Moving Forward Just as Olympic athletes find new paths after their sports careers, women who conclude their fertility journey without becoming moms can find new meanings and joys in life. It's not about giving up; it's about finding a different path that brings fulfillment and happiness.
Join Thrive After Infertility If you're ready to move forward and thrive, my program "Thrive After Infertility" might be just what you need. The next class starts on October 1st. Let's work together to ensure you don't carry the burden of not becoming a mom forever. You can find more details on my website.
Free Resource Before you go, I want to share a fantastic resource I created: "The Top 27 Things People Say When You're Childless...and How to Respond." You can download it for free on my website. It's a great tool to help you navigate those sometimes uncomfortable conversations.
Conclusion Thank you for joining me this week. Remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning and find joy in your life. I'll be checking in from Poland next week. Until then, I love you and I'm here for you.
Hey there! It's been quite a week in the media, and I felt compelled to address some comments circulating about childless women being miserable. As someone who deeply values integrity, especially in my role as a life coach supporting women crafting fulfilling lives without children, I want to make it clear: this isn't about politics, and it never will be. My goal here is to provide a space where all women, regardless of political affiliation, can feel supported and understood.
This week's episode is a response to the myth that women who are childless are inherently unhappy. As someone who once immersed myself in politics, even working in Washington, D.C., I understand the power of narratives. But as I shifted my focus to life coaching, I chose to step back from the constant news cycle, focusing instead on creating a positive and supportive environment.
I rarely watch the news now, and some might say I live in a bubble. To that, I say, yes, I do—and I value the peace it brings me. It's important to me to curate my environment, choosing what influences I allow in. While I care deeply about the future, my energy is better spent fostering a supportive community for women like us—women who are childless, not by choice, but because of infertility.
The idea that childless women are miserable is a damaging stereotype rooted in outdated societal expectations. It suggests that a woman's worth and happiness are tied solely to her ability to have children. But this couldn't be further from the truth. Many women, whether by choice or circumstance, lead rich, fulfilling lives filled with purpose and joy. That's the message I share weekly on this podcast.
Experiencing childlessness, especially after infertility, can indeed bring moments of deep sadness or even misery. These feelings are valid and normal. It's essential to acknowledge them without self-judgment. Remember, it's okay to have days that aren't filled with joy. This doesn't mean you're failing or destined for a life of unhappiness. It simply means you're human.
Fulfillment doesn't come from one single source, like motherhood. It's found in relationships, hobbies, careers, personal growth, and so many other areas. Happiness and purpose are not linear; they come from a diverse range of experiences. We are multifaceted beings, capable of finding joy and meaning in various aspects of our lives.
If you're feeling stuck in sadness or finding it hard to move past these negative feelings, now might be the time to explore new communities and support systems. Whether it's through a local group, social media, or programs like my "Thrive After Infertility Mastermind," connecting with others can be a powerful way to rediscover joy and purpose.
To those who believe that childless women are miserable, we can't change everyone's mind. But we can change how we see ourselves. It's about proving to ourselves that we can create and enjoy a fulfilling life. If you're feeling down or questioning your worth, remember that you're deserving of happiness and fulfillment, just like anyone else.
Life is full of ups and downs, and that's okay. It's about embracing the full spectrum of emotions and not judging ourselves for feeling anything less than perfect. Happiness and sadness can coexist, and that's what makes our journey authentic and meaningful.
As you navigate these challenging emotions, remember that you're not alone. It's never too late to find meaning and create a life you love. I hope you have a beautiful week, filled with moments that remind you of your worth and potential. I love you all, and I can't wait to connect with you again next week. Take care!
On this episode, we're diving into a topic that often gets overlooked: embracing abundance after infertility. It's something many of us struggle with because we rarely see examples of women thriving in a life that doesn't include motherhood. That's precisely what inspired me to start this podcast — to fill that gap and provide a space where we can explore where these communities exist, how to navigate difficult interactions with those who don't understand, and finding acceptance and peace on our unique paths.
I remember vividly the moment my reproductive endocrinologist gently recommended against further IVF cycles. It was like a ton of bricks crashing down, leaving me unsure of what lay ahead. Deciding not to pursue adoption or egg donation wasn't easy either. I wasn't prepared to just bounce back; healing takes time, and it's okay to sit with those emotions.
If you're feeling lost in this journey right now, please know you're not alone. There's no timeline for healing, no one-size-fits-all approach. But when you're ready to take that next step toward reclaiming your life and finding joy again, that's what today's episode is all about.
Navigating conversations where people offer well-meaning but insensitive remarks can be challenging. "Just relax, it'll happen," or "You can always adopt," aren't always helpful. It's important to assert our boundaries and share our stories authentically. You deserve to be heard and respected in your journey.
Finding supportive communities is crucial. While social media can be a lifeline, it's also important to curate your feed mindfully. Surround yourself with voices that uplift and inspire you. Consider joining support groups or programs like Thrive after Infertility, where you not only find connection but also actionable steps to shape a life you love.
Creating or joining local meetups can also be incredibly fulfilling. I started one myself, and it's grown into a vibrant community of women celebrating life beyond motherhood. It's about finding spaces where you can be yourself, where you don't have to explain or justify your path.
As you embark on this journey of rediscovery, think about who you want to be six months from now. Take small steps toward that vision, whether it's engaging more deeply with supportive communities or setting boundaries on social media. Your journey is unique, and your path forward is yours to define.
If you're looking for practical tips on handling insensitive comments or starting conversations about your journey, check out this free resource I created just for you. It's call The Top 27 Things People Say When you Are Childless...and How to Respond.
Remember, it's never too late to redefine what brings meaning to your life. Thank you for being here with me today. I cherish our time together and look forward to connecting again next week.
Until then, take care of yourself and know that you're not alone on this journey. You are seen, you are heard, and your story matters. Here's to embracing the abundance that awaits us all.
Discovering Your Purpose After Infertility Welcome back to another episode! I'm thrilled you're joining me on this journey through life, where sometimes navigating can be challenging. Today, I want to open your mind to a new perspective on purpose.
Navigating Conversations About Childlessness: I've just launched a valuable resource for those struggling with discussing childlessness. If you've faced unwanted opinions or advice, visit Instagram (@Lana.Manikowski) or email me at HI@LanaManikowski.com to access this resource.
Rethinking Purpose: Let's dive into the concept of purpose. We're often told it's this elusive, singular thing we must find. But frankly, I call BS on that idea. Society often links purpose with motherhood, leaving many of us who are unexpectedly childless feeling adrift.
My Unique Perspective on Purpose: Through my work and personal journey, I've come to redefine purpose. It's not a single mission statement but a fluid, personal connection to oneself. Purpose isn't about selecting one grand thing; it's about living deliberately and authentically.
Thrive After Infertility Mastermind: Launching October 1st, Thrive After Infertility offers a supportive community to explore and define your unique path forward. It's not just about finding purpose; it's about embracing a life you love, despite its unexpected turns.
Creating Purpose in Everyday Moments: Purpose isn't confined to one monumental achievement. It's found in everyday actions—how we connect with others, contribute at work, or nurture relationships. Living purposefully is about finding joy and connection in the present moment.
Inspiration from Unexpected Sources: Reflecting on my music teacher's funeral, I saw firsthand how one person can embody different purposes for different people. Her impact on my life wasn't about motherhood but about nurturing confidence through music education.
Joining Thrive After Infertility: If you're resonating with this journey of self-discovery and purpose beyond motherhood, consider joining our 12-week program. It's designed to empower you to build a life you're proud of, free from the burden of societal expectations.
My Commitment to You: I became a certified life coach to support women navigating life after infertility. Thrive isn't about replicating my life; it's about helping you craft a life that resonates with your values and aspirations.
Embrace Your Unique Journey: Remember, your purpose isn't limited by one experience or identity. By reconnecting with yourself and living authentically, you'll discover a life filled with meaning and impact.
Closing Thoughts: As we wrap up, I want to remind you—it's never too late to uncover your purpose and embrace your unique journey. Wishing you a beautiful week ahead, filled with self-discovery and meaningful connections.
Join me next week as we continue this empowering conversation. Remember, your journey matters, and your purpose is waiting to be discovered.
I look forward to our next chat!
Welcome back to another episode of The "So Now What?" Podcast. I'm Lana Manikowski, and I'm thrilled you're joining me today. As we dive into the heart of summer here in the US, with July 4th Independence Day celebrations just around the corner, it feels fitting to talk about a different kind of independence—personal independence, especially for those of us navigating life after infertility.
Reclaiming Independence Post-Infertility
After enduring years of fertility treatments, the constant start and stop, and the endless cycle of uncertainty, finding independence can feel daunting. This week, I want to explore ways you can reclaim your sense of independence and make decisions that empower you.
Exciting New Resource Coming Soon!
I'm thrilled to announce a new resource designed specifically for women who have faced relentless questions about their motherhood status. This free resource will help you navigate those difficult conversations with confidence. If you're interested, reach out to me on Instagram at @lana.manikowski and send me a DM. I'll add you to the waitlist and ensure you get early access!
My Personal Journey to Independence
This week is particularly special for me as I transition out of Corporate America. After working since I was 14 and always relying on an employer's paycheck, I'm stepping into a new chapter. On July 8th, I'll be dedicating myself full-time to my coaching practice, leaving behind a successful corporate career.
Since 2021, alongside my demanding corporate job, I've been nurturing my life coaching practice. Completing my life coach and grief certifications has equipped me with the tools to support women like you and me—women who are unexpectedly childless and striving to find fulfillment.
Believing in Yourself
Often, we think we need someone else's approval or a perfect plan to pursue our dreams. But I'm here to challenge that belief. You have the power to make decisions for yourself and create the life you've dreamed of. Even without a clear roadmap, you can take steps towards your goals.
Action Steps to Embrace Independence
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Identify Your Dreams: Think about what you've been wanting to pursue—whether it's a new hobby, education, or career change.
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Trust Your Instincts: Believe in your innate ability to make decisions and create change.
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Start Small: Begin by writing down your ideas and evaluating them. You don't need external validation—your inner voice is powerful enough.
A New Chapter
As I close this chapter of my corporate life, I reflect on the purpose it provided during my infertility journey. My career gave me meaning and allowed me to thrive during a challenging time. Now, I'm proud to embrace this new independence and dedicate myself fully to helping women create lives they love.
Connect with Me
I hope this episode inspires you to embrace your independence. Remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning.
Follow me on Instagram at @lana.manikowski or on YouTube at lana.manikowski and reach out if you want to be part of this journey.
Subscribe & Review
If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and leave a review. Your feedback helps me reach more women who can benefit from these conversations.
Stay Tuned
Join me next week for more insights and encouragement on living a fulfilling life after infertility.
Feeling Like a Failure After IVF Fails
Introduction: Welcome back to another heartfelt episode of Thrive After Infertility. I'm Lana, and this week, we are rolling up our sleeves and diving deep into what it means to feel like a failure, especially after the challenging journey of IVF and fertility treatments. This episode is for all the incredible women out there who have struggled with these feelings and are ready to redefine their stories.
Key Points Covered:
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Understanding the Fear of Failure:
- The fear of failure often starts at a young age, influenced by family and cultural norms.
- Many of us have been taught to hide our struggles and present a picture-perfect life.
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Navigating Infertility and IVF:
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Personal reflections on the pressure to do everything "right" during fertility treatments.
- The emotional toll of feeling like you're not good enough as a fertility patient.
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Changing the Narrative:
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The impact of being labeled as a "failed" IVF patient and how that affects self-perception.
- The empowering shift from viewing oneself as a failure to seeing IVF treatments as the ones that failed.
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Personal Growth and Life Coaching:
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How becoming a Certified Life Coach helped me change my perspective on failure.
- The importance of deciding how to relate to the word "failure" and choosing a narrative that empowers you.
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Introducing the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind:
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Exciting news about the upcoming Thrive 2.0 program, designed to help women find fulfillment and thrive after infertility.
- Details on how to join and the benefits of being part of this transformative community.
Special Announcement: I'm thrilled to announce a new resource for those of you on my mailing list, all about handling the things people say and how to respond to them in empowering ways. This unique resource is created especially for you, so be sure to follow me on social media and sign up to get access.
Closing Thoughts: Remember, you are not a failure. You are a beautiful, courageous soul who has shown immense strength and resilience. Let's redefine what it means to thrive and embrace a life full of meaning and fulfillment, even without the children we dreamed of.
Thank you for joining me this week. I love you all, and remember, it's never too late to discover your true meaning.
Episode Summary This week marks my 15th wedding anniversary, a significant milestone that feels both like yesterday and a lifetime ago. Reflecting on our journey, I've decided to discuss marriage and relationships when you find yourself unexpectedly childless. In this episode, I'll uncover the top 10 misconceptions about childless marriages, shedding light on the unique challenges and bias we experience when we eave fertility treatments without a child.
Key Points Discussed 1. Lack of Fulfillment
* Debunking the myth that true happiness and purpose in a relationship only come from raising children.
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Selfishness
- Addressing the misconception that childless couples prioritize personal desires over responsibilities.
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Incompleteness
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Challenging the belief that a marriage is incomplete without children.
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Loneliness in Old Age
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Confronting fears about being lonely and unsupported in old age without children.
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Lack of Family Bonding
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Explaining how childless couples create their own meaningful traditions and bonds.
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Temporary Decision
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Discussing the notion that being childless is just a temporary phase.
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Regret
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Exploring the assumption that childless couples will inevitably regret their decision.
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Marital Problems
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Debunking the myth that childlessness indicates or causes marital issues.
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Social Isolation
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Addressing the belief that childless couples are socially isolated.
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Biological or Medical Issues
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Clarifying misconceptions about the reasons behind childlessness after infertility.
Thrive After Infertility Mastermind In my Thrive After Infertility Mastermind, we focus on relationships, of of 3 crucial pillars in the program which is often overlooked for those navigating life without children. Whether it's with your spouse, friends, family, or coworkers, Thrive offers support and tools to help you create a life you love without the children you thought you were going to have. I'm excited to announce the next launch of the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind in October, which includes advanced tools and support from my certification in grief coaching.
Conclusion
As Jack and I celebrate our 15th anniversary, we've learned that a fulfilling, meaningful marriage is possible even without the children we once envisioned. If you're feeling stuck or wondering about the future of your marriage, remember that there is no right or wrong path. Whether you stay together or part ways, it's essential to find what works best for you and your partner.
Hello, lovely listeners! I'm so glad you're joining me today. If you haven't already, I invite you to subscribe to my YouTube channel, Lana.Manikowski. Look for my profile picture with a yellow shirt—if you see me in a red shirt, that's an old channel I no longer update. Subscribe to stay connected and catch some funny outtakes that don't make it to the podcast.
Why Your Reviews Matter
Before we dive into today's topic, I want to thank everyone who rated and reviewed the podcast last week. Your $5 Starbucks gift card is on its way! If you haven't yet, please rate and review on your preferred platform. Your feedback not only helps me understand how the podcast impacts you, but it also boosts our visibility. This way, more women who are searching for ways to create a fulfilling life after infertility can find us and join our community.
Advanced Certification in Grief and Post-Traumatic Growth
Did you know I have an advanced certification in grief and post-traumatic growth? It's something I don't mention often, but it’s a significant part of my journey and my coaching. When I realized my infertility journey wouldn't end with a child, I felt immense grief. But society often overlooks the grief of those who lose a dream rather than something tangible. This certification helps me guide you through that nuanced grief and find post-traumatic growth.
The Power of "And"
Today's episode focuses on one of the most powerful words in navigating grief and creating a fulfilling life: "and." It's a simple three-letter word, but it opens up a world of emotional possibilities. Society often presents emotions as binary—either you're sad, or you're grateful. But why can't we be both? Why can't we be sad about not becoming mothers and also grateful for other aspects of our lives?
Breaking Free from False Binaries
I remember hearing that you can either be sad about not having children or grateful that you don't have to raise them in today’s world. But this binary thinking isn't helpful. You can be both. Grief is nuanced, and so are human emotions. It's perfectly okay to feel multiple emotions at once. For example, you can have a great day at work and cry when you receive a baby shower invitation. Both feelings are valid and can coexist.
Embracing All Emotions
Trying to force ourselves into constant gratitude or happiness suppresses other valid emotions like sadness or anger, which can resurface even stronger. Instead, allow yourself to feel everything. Replace "but" with "and." You can be proud of yourself and feel anger. You can feel lost without motherhood and discover strengths you never knew you had.
Ditching Toxic Positivity
We often think we need to be grateful 24/7 to love our lives, but that’s not true. You don't have to be grateful for every difficult aspect of your infertility journey to love your life. Embrace the "and." Love your life and acknowledge the tough parts of your journey. Both can exist together.
Actionable Insight: Using "And" in Your Life
Next time you catch yourself thinking in binaries, try to use "and" instead. Notice how it opens up space for all your emotions and makes life feel more manageable and authentic.
Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear how you plan to incorporate "and" into your daily life. Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments or on social media. Let’s support each other in embracing our full emotional selves.
Thank you for listening, and remember, you are a beautiful human navigating this path of life. Until next time, take care and be kind to yourself.
Welcome back to another week of The “So Now What?” Podcast! I’m so grateful you're here with me. As we welcome June, it's the perfect time to reflect on the goals and dreams we set for ourselves at the start of the year. Maybe you’re reassessing some plans or realizing that some things didn’t pan out as easily as you hoped. Remember, it's never too late to recalibrate and adjust your path.
Episode Highlights: * Reflect and Recalibrate: With nearly half the year behind us, it’s a great moment to reevaluate our goals. What were your intentions at the beginning of 2024? What’s working, and what’s not? It’s okay to pivot and refocus your energy on what truly matters to you. * The Power of Ratings and Reviews: I need your help! Your feedback is crucial for reaching more women navigating the unexpected journey of childlessness after infertility. Please rate and review The “So Now What?” Podcast on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen. Send me a screenshot, and I’ll send you a $5 Starbucks gift card as a thank you. * Shame vs. Self-Love: This week, we discuss the harmful habit of shaming ourselves into action. Have you ever felt pressured to do something just to meet others' expectations? Let’s shift that narrative. It’s time to embrace self-love and motivation from a place of joy and curiosity. * Envision Your Future Self: Picture the person you want to become. What does she look like? What brings her joy? Write down these visions and start embodying those feelings today. You don’t have to wait until you’ve achieved all your goals to love yourself. * Compassionate Self-Talk: Engage in kind, supportive conversations with yourself. When you miss a goal, instead of judgment, offer understanding and encouragement, just as you would to a dear friend.
Takeaways for This Week: * Reevaluate Your Goals: Take stock of what you planned for this year and see if it aligns with your current path. Don’t be afraid to weed out what no longer serves you. * Rate and Review the Podcast: Help us reach more women who need support by leaving a review. Your feedback can make a big difference. * Shift from Shame to Support: Recognize the areas where you might be shaming yourself and consciously replace that with positive reinforcement. * Love Your Future Self Today: Visualize the joyful, fulfilled person you aim to become and start living with that mindset now. * Engage in Positive Self-Talk: When challenges arise, treat yourself with the same compassion and encouragement you would offer a friend.
I want all women who are childless after infertility to know they can love themselves and create fulfilling lives. If you need more personalized support, I’m here to help. Let’s discover together how you can create a life you love.
Have a beautiful week, and remember, it’s never too late to discover your meaning.
Connect with Me: * Website: www.lanamanikowski.com * Instagram: @lana.manikowski * Email: hi@lanamanikowski.com
Don’t forget to share this episode with friends who might benefit from it. Your support helps us grow and reach more women who need this community. Thank you for being here!
In this episode, we explore the intricate emotions surrounding birthdays if you are childless after infertility. Inspired by recent gatherings celebrating The Other’s Day Brunch, I highlight the complexities of navigating birthdays and offer insights on how to approach them with strength and hope.
Celebrating The Other’s Day Brunch:
Reflecting on recent events likeThe Other’s Day Brunch in Chicago and an ambassador-hosted event in Seattle, I acknowledge the increasing awareness of the challenges faced by women who are childless not by choice. These gatherings provide a supportive environment for sharing stories and finding solace amidst shared experiences and I am thrilled with the media attention given to this celebration and the awareness that was built about the complexities Mother’s Day offers so many women.
The Birthday Reflection:
Yesterday I celebrated my 50th birthday, and shared my candid journey of grappling with the anticipation of another year passing. This week I explore common sentiments felt by women facing infertility, such as questioning accomplishments, feeling the weight of time passing, and envisioning a future without motherhood.
Finding Meaning Beyond Motherhood:
The narrative shifts to empowering you to redefine your identity and aspirations beyond traditional expectations of motherhood. Despite the absence of children, there are numerous opportunities to pursue fulfillment and purpose.
Embracing Change and Self-Compassion:
Acknowledging the fear of failure and uncertainty, I encourage listeners to embrace change with self-compassion. By reframing narratives of disappointment and embracing vulnerability, individuals can cultivate inner strength and create new paths filled with meaning and joy.
Crafting Your Future:
I am urging you to reflect on their achievements and aspirations, regardless of societal pressures. By setting intentions and embracing personal growth, individuals can reclaim agency over their narratives and envision a future filled with possibilities.
A Letter to Yourself:
A poignant suggestion is made to write a birthday letter to yourself, celebrating your journey and path through infertility. This practice fosters self-appreciation and serves as a reminder of one's inherent worth and meaning.
Conclusion:
As the host extends birthday wishes to herself, she emphasizes the transformative power of self-love and inner strength. I encourage you to revisit this episode whenever you need encouragement and to remember that your life and your journey is worthy of celebration. Always.
When you're childless after infertilityMother's Day can be a challenge. It's a time that can feel heavy with reminders and emotions, but fear not, I'm here to walk you through it with care and compassion.
Finding Peace Amidst the Mother's Day Buzz: * Acknowledge Your Feelings: It's okay to feel a mix of emotions during this time. Whether it's sadness, anger, or even ambivalence, give yourself permission to feel what you feel without judgment. * Create Boundaries: Opt out of Mother's Day-related emails and social media if they're triggering for you. Your mental health comes first, and setting boundaries is an act of self-love.
Crafting Your Own Meaningful Mother's Day: * Plan Your Day: Take control of how you spend Mother's Day. Whether it's hosting a gathering, indulging in self-care, or simply taking a quiet moment for reflection, prioritize activities that bring you peace and joy. * Write Yourself a Letter: Channel your inner Hallmark and write yourself a heartfelt Mother's Day card. Celebrate the qualities that make you proud, and affirm your worthiness of love and recognition.
Cultivating Gratitude and Connection: * Express Appreciation: Reach out to the people in your life who've supported you on your journey. Let them know how much their presence means to you, and express gratitude for their love and understanding.
Remembering Your Worth Beyond Motherhood: * Reflect on Your Significance: Take time to reflect on the meaningful contributions you make to the world, regardless of your parental status. Your worth is not defined by motherhood, but by the unique essence of who you are.
As you navigate Mother's Day, know that you're not alone. Your journey is valid, and your feelings are heard and honored. Take this time to care for yourself, to acknowledge your strength, and to embrace the beauty of your unique path. You are worthy of love, celebration, and belonging, today and every day.
This week we are tapping into the concept of welcoming in happiness as you are navigating life after infertility and a new norm without the children you thought you were supposed to have. Discover practical tips and heartfelt insights on finding joy, embracing gratitude, and celebrating the beauty in everyday moments.
In today's episode, I expand on episode 123, diving into the concept of happiness is not a destination but a journey, especially for those who are childless not by choice. If you missed last week's episode, I encourage you to catch up as we dive deeper into this topic.
As Mother's Day approaches, I invite listeners to consider self-care and connection, highlighting the importance of support for those who may find this holiday challenging. Reflecting on the purpose behind The Other’s Day Brunch in Chicago, I emphasize the power of seeking connection and support, especially during times that may trigger feelings of sadness or heaviness. Join us this year in Chicago and help us create a supportive community where all experiences are valued and celebrated.
In today's discussion, I address the misconception that happiness is your consolation prize for not becoming a mother. Through personal anecdotes and reflections, I encourage you to embrace the joys and beauties present in their lives, without comparison to motherhood or societal expectations.
As the episode progresses, I guide you through practical strategies for cultivating happiness and gratitude in everyday life. By acknowledging the beauty in small moments and celebrating personal achievements, we can create a more fulfilling and joyful journey, regardless of our path to motherhood.
Let's talk about embracing happiness beyond traditional notions, finding strength in the experiences you are having, and recognizing the abundance of beauty that surrounds us. Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of The “So Now What?” Podcast. Remember, happiness is not a destination but a journey filled with moments of joy and gratitude. Embrace the beauty of your life, celebrate your victories, and cherish the happiness that surrounds you.
As we usher in a new month, I welcome you to pause and reflect on your path. What are you choosing to focus on this month? Remember, there are no boundaries to the richness your life can attain, even when the dream of motherhood didn’t happen for you.
But before we dive into the core of today's discussion on happiness, remember to get your tickets for The Others' Day Brunch. Scheduled for May 11th in Chicago, this event promises camaraderie and support as we navigate the complex emotions entwined with Mother's Day.
Now, let's unravel the essence of happiness and the expectations you have put on yourself to find happiness after your infertility journey left you childless. In Episode 123, I unravel the myth that happiness is a destination and not a journey. Being happy is shoved down our thoughts and when you find yourself unhappy - you’ve been conditioned to believe you’re doing something all wrong.. This week I confront the fallacy of "toxic positivity," urging you to embrace the tapestry of your emotions.
Drawing from my journey toward certification in grief and post-traumatic grief, I illuminate the significance of acknowledging and honoring all emotional facets, even those that defy society's expectation of perpetual happiness.
On a side note - I am looking for volunteers that will do practice coaching with me. Part of my certification requires me to meet a certain number of hours coaching on grief, so if you are willing to hop on a 30 minute call with me to coach on any topic you are feeling grief around, please send me a DM.
Happiness isn't confined to societal norms or the façade of perfection. It resides in the small, everyday moments—the laughter shared with a friend, the warmth of a pet's companionship. Grant yourself the spaciousness to experience the full spectrum of emotions without judgment for how you are feeling.
In my eyes, the pursuit of happiness shouldn't overshadow the intricate tapestry of life's complexities. Embrace your journey, embrace yourself, and know that happiness, in its myriad forms, is always within reach.
Join me next week as we continue to navigate life's labyrinthine twists and turns, with a reminder that it's never too late to unearth your purpose. Until then, cherish the moments, embrace the journey, and find solace in the knowledge that you are never alone.
This week we wrap up our discussion on body image, particularly for those navigating life post-fertility treatments. As you reflect on your own journey, consider this:
What beliefs do you hold about your body?
I share personal insights and encourage you to redefine your body image positively.
But before we dive in, I reflect on a heartwarming weekend with loved ones, emphasizing the importance of nurturing connections, especially with the younger generation. It's a reminder that bonds transcend traditional roles, echoing the theme of self-compassion and connection discussed in today's episode.
Throughout the episode, I challenge common narratives surrounding body image after fertility struggles. I am highlighting the impact of self-talk and invites you to reconsider ingrained beliefs about your body's purpose and capabilities.You're encouraged to shift from viewing your body as a source of disappointment to one deserving of love and appreciation.
I will also prompt you to envision a future where self-acceptance replaces self-criticism, paving the way for healing and empowerment. As you listen, consider the small steps you can take towards fostering a healthier body image. Whether it's acknowledging your body's resilience or practicing self-forgiveness, every effort contributes to a more positive self-perception.
I am also extending an invitation to The Other's Day Brunch, a gathering dedicated to celebrating connections and community. Don't miss out on this opportunity to connect with like-minded individuals and embrace a supportive environment.
So, as you reflect on today's episode, remember: Your journey towards self-love begins with a decision to redefine your body image and prioritize self-compassion. And if you're considering attending The Other's Day Brunch, seize the opportunity to connect and celebrate your journey with others who understand and support you.
Introduction:
Welcome to The "So Now What?" Podcast, where we embark on a journey of self-discovery and self-love after infertility. Today, we're diving into the power that comes with embracing our bodies and fostering a positive body image amidst the challenges we've faced. But first, let's celebrate the upcoming Other's Day Brunch – a safe haven for women like you who are seeking connection and empowerment on a weekend that traditionally seems so hard.
Other's Day Brunch:
Mark your calendars for May 11th in Chicago – it's the third annual Other's Day Brunch! Created for women who are not moms, may not have traditional mother figures or who feel disconnected during Mother's Day, this event is a celebration of sisterhood, connection, and self-love. Tickets are available at LanaManikowski.com/othersday or reach out on Instagram for more info. You deserve joy and celebration, not sadness, on Mother's Day.
Empowering Exercise:
In last week's episode, we explored guided meditation as a tool for self-awareness and forgiveness. If you haven't tuned in, check out episode 120. Today, let's delve into a powerful exercise inspired by personal reflection. Picture this: sitting poolside, faced with your reflection, and feeling disconnected from your body. It's a moment of realization, a moment where you decide to love your body despite its changes – be it post-infertility or menopause.
Embracing Self-Love:
Your body has been through so much, and it's time to show it the love and respect it deserves. Challenge the negative self-talk and societal standards by asking yourself: "Is this the love my body is seeking?" Just like salty snacks may not nourish your body, negative thoughts and judgments don't nourish your soul. Make choices that align with self-love, whether it's nourishing foods, positive affirmations, or embracing your body as it is.
Conclusion:
As you navigate the complexities of body image post-infertility, remember that self-love is a journey – not a destination. Embrace every curve, every scar, and every change as a testament to your strength and resilience. Join us at The Other's Day Brunch for a celebration of sisterhood and empowerment. And always remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning and embrace the beauty of who you are.
In this episode, I dive deep into the intricacies of body image, offering insights and strategies to help you break free from societal norms and redefine your relationship with your body. It's time to unwind the narrative that may have taken root in your mind, not because you did anything wrong, but because we often get caught up in societal expectations.
What to Expect This Month:
Throughout March, we're dedicating our episodes to the theme of body image, with today's installment promising to be particularly insightful. I provide valuable tools to help you create a new and positive image of yourself, even if your journey to motherhood took an unexpected turn.
Special Announcement: The Others' Day Brunch! 🌸
Before we dive into today's topic, a quick reminder that early bird tickets for the Others' Day Brunch are now on sale! Treat yourself to a day of connection, empowerment, and celebration with other incredible women. Hurry, as discounted tickets are available for a limited time.
Embracing Your Body: A Journey to Forgiveness
I address the deep-rooted perception that your body may have failed you due to infertility challenges. It's time to shift the focus from what your body didn't achieve to all the amazing things it does every day – breathing, moving, supporting you.
In a powerful exercise, our I guide you through a body scan, encouraging you to express gratitude and forgiveness to each part of your body. This experiment is your opportunity to decide what you want to believe about your body, with no grading scale attached.
Reconnect and Reunite: A Body Love Experiment
Imagine the liberating feeling of not critiquing your reflection or feeling pangs of envy when seeing a baby bump. I share a simple yet transformative experiment to kickstart your journey toward self-love. By acknowledging and thanking each body part, you can begin to rebuild a positive relationship with your body.
How to Start the Experiment:
- Find a quiet space.
- Close your eyes.
- Express gratitude for your presence and commitment to self-love.
- Begin a head-to-toe body scan, thanking each part along the way.
- Acknowledge your body's strength, resilience, and the unique journey it has taken you on.
- Focus on forgiveness, particularly for the organs involved in your fertility journey.
- Embrace your body as your best friend, vowing to love and appreciate it every day.
Conclusion: A New Chapter of Love and Acceptance
Imagine waking up each day with a renewed sense of self-love and acceptance. This simple yet profound experiment could be your first step towards that reality. Challenge the societal norms, release the judgments, and start a beautiful journey of reconciliation with your body.
I'm beyond thrilled to be back in Chicago after a whirlwind of adventures. If you've been tagging along on my YouTube journey, you've seen me bouncing from one place to another. But now, I'm back in the Windy City, feeling immensely proud after taking a whopping 17 days away from home – a significant feat for this recovering workaholic.
Now, let's dive into the exciting updates and some heartfelt moments from my time away. A big shoutout to my amazing co-worker and the fantastic students who joined me on the road, making this hiatus truly memorable.
But wait – have you heard about The Others Day Brunch? Brace yourself for an extraordinary experience!
If you attended last year, you know I throw an unforgettable party. And this year? It's going to blow your socks off. Head to LanaManikowsky.com/othersday for early bird tickets priced at $60, including a sumptuous lunch crafted by a talented chef, a bottomless mimosa bar, and a swag bag worth hundreds. Plus, the chance to connect with phenomenal women who, like you, navigate the complexities of being childless, not by choice. Save the date – May 11th, our third annual Others Day Brunch in Chicago. Check out discounted hotel rates on the website!
Now, let's talk March themes! Relationships last month, and now, brace yourself for the empowering conversations about BODY IMAGE.
Ladies, let's go beyond the superficial. I'm addressing women who are childless, not by choice or childless after infertility – your body image runs deep, deeper than we often discuss in our community. This month, we're delving into various aspects of body image, exploring the areas where you might feel disconnected or disappointed by your body.
But here's the exciting part – this isn't just about how your body looks. It's about the internal struggles, the emotional weight, and the areas we rarely shine a light on. If something resonates with you today, share your thoughts with me. DM me on Instagram or shoot an email to hi@LanaManikowski.com. Your insights might shape upcoming episodes.
Let's get real about body image – it's more than the physical appearance.
As a woman who has faced the challenges of infertility, you might have felt your body let you down. This month, we're exploring the emotional and internal dimensions of body image. From feelings of brokenness to comparisons with others, we'll cover it all. Stay tuned for my personal weight loss journey, how hormones during fertility treatments affected my relationship with my body and food.
We're diving deep into the comparison game, exploring how your body image might be influenced by societal expectations and exhaustion from fertility treatments. Feeling disconnected? It's normal. You haven't given up on your body, and your body hasn't given up on you – perhaps a reconnection is in order.
Get ready for a magical and transformative experience!
Join me on The "So Now What?" Podcast this month as we navigate the complex terrain of body image. Let's recalibrate our perceptions and learn to love ourselves without waiting for external changes. If you've been yearning for a space to explore these feelings, this is it. The mirror won't be the same after this transformative journey.
So, beautiful soul, hop on board and let's make this month about self-love and embracing the uniqueness of your body. You're not alone, and you don't have to wait for any changes to start loving yourself. This is your moment – the journey starts now! 🌟
Workplace Relationships as a Childless Woman Introduction:
- Warm greetings to all our listeners. Still on the road, recording from a different location.
- Recap of the month-long focus on relationships, covering spouses, friends with kids, and now, colleagues and coworkers.
Travel and Relationship Adventures:
- Detailed overview of recent travels, including experiences in Grass Valley and Sonoma.
- Insight into the effort invested in maintaining a strong relationship, emphasizing the importance of taking time for oneself.
- Teasing a potential course based on lessons learned during the vacation.
Professional and Personal Connections:
- Shift to discussing relationships in the workplace and the unique perspective of being childless.
- Balancing personal adventures with work commitments while traveling through California.
Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Yourself:
- Encouragement to set boundaries at work and avoid volunteering for extra responsibilities.
- Challenging the notion that childless individuals must always be available for additional work.
- Highlighting the importance of prioritizing personal time and saying 'no' when necessary.
Water Cooler Talk and Self-Ownership:
- Addressing the potential feeling of inadequacy when sharing weekend activities without children.
- Encouraging childless women to take ownership of their unique experiences and not shrink away.
- Inspiring confidence in sharing personal adventures, whether it's a spontaneous drive or trying something new.
Workplace Dynamics and Being Childless:
- Discussing the dynamics of being the only one without children in the workplace.
- Addressing situations where childless individuals may feel compelled to take on additional work.
- Advocating for setting boundaries and having open conversations with colleagues and managers.
Compensation for Extra Responsibilities:
- Suggesting negotiating compensation for taking on extra work, challenging the idea of doing it without recognition.
- Offering alternatives like additional time off or spot bonuses for the additional workload.
- Acknowledging that personal time is valuable, regardless of parental status.
Conclusion and Reflection:
- Wrapping up the month-long series on relationships with a focus on workplace dynamics.
- Encouraging listeners to reflect on their workplace experiences and share any additional insights.
- Reminding everyone that it's never too late to prioritize personal well-being and discover one's meaning.
Navigating Friendships After Infertility - Episode 117
Welcome back, beautiful souls! Today's episode takes us to the stunning Pacific coast of California, where our host shares her recent experiences coaching remotely and working from beautiful locations. A dream come true! Now, let's dive into a topic close to many hearts: navigating friendships after infertility.
Episode Highlights: * Last Week's Recap: Intimate Relationships and Infertility + Episode 116 delved into the impact of infertility on intimate relationships with partners. If you missed it, be sure to catch up!
- This Week's Focus: Friendships and Childlessness
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Being the only one without kids in your friend group can be isolating. The episode explores the challenges and emotions tied to feeling invisible in conversations about parenthood.
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Validating Your Emotions
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Acknowledge your feelings of isolation and invisibility. You're not a bad person for feeling this way. Infertility can stir up complex emotions, and it's okay.
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Navigating Social Situations: What Can You Do?
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Recognize that it's okay not to be part of every conversation. Understand that some outings may not align with your interests, and that's perfectly fine.
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Communication is Key
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Consider having open conversations with friends. Express that certain topics are challenging for you, and it's okay if you step away during those discussions. Honest communication strengthens bonds.
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Accepting Change in Friendships
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Friendships evolve, especially when friends become parents. It's natural for conversations to shift. Embrace the change, and recognize that it doesn't diminish the value of your friendships.
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Exploring New Connections
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Friendships aren't limited to a certain mold. Attend events specifically for childless individuals, explore virtual meetups, and be open to creating new connections outside your current circle.
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Empowering Yourself
- Lana shares upcoming events, like the "TheOther's Day Brunch", offering opportunities to connect with like-minded individuals. Early bird pricing is available, so consider making it a priority for yourself.
Closing Thoughts: Navigating friendships post-infertility can be challenging, but remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning. Embrace change, communicate openly, and empower yourself to cultivate connections that resonate with your journey.
Sending love and strength your way. Until next week, have a beautiful one! 💖🎙️
Introduction: Wishing everyone a joyful Valentine's Day, whenever you may be listening. Today, on the 14th of February, let's delve into a significant topic – the dynamics of relationships post-infertility. We'll explore the journey, the challenges, and strategies to reignite the spark in a partnership.
Episode Highlights:
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The Challenge of Female Factor Infertility:
- Delving into a personal experience with female factor infertility.
- Examining the emotional toll and potential strain on relationships.
- Reflecting on the envy and perceived unfairness associated with the burdens of infertility treatments.
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Navigating Resentment:
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Discussing moments of resentment towards partners for differing roles during infertility struggles.
- Acknowledging the validity of these emotions without casting blame.
- Encouraging open communication between partners to address underlying feelings.
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Rebuilding Connection:
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Sharing experiences of overcoming resentment and fostering a stronger connection with a spouse.
- Asserting that regaining partnership is feasible after the challenges of infertility.
- Encouraging listeners to communicate feelings openly, emphasizing understanding and empathy.
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Evolution of Desires:
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Addressing the changing desires and interests in a relationship post-infertility.
- Embracing personal growth and recognizing that desires evolve over time.
- Stressing the importance of open dialogue regarding evolving expectations and aspirations.
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Valentine's Reflection:
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Urging listeners to reflect on the unique qualities of their partners.
- Encouraging couples to envision a future without children and explore ways to fulfill their marriage.
- Reminding everyone that it's never too late to find deeper meaning in their relationships.
Conclusion: As you navigate love after infertility, remember that many share this journey. A partnership can thrive with open communication, understanding, and a commitment to mutual growth. Embrace the unique bond you share, and let this Valentine's Day serve as a reminder that love evolves but remains resilient. Wishing you a beautiful week filled with love and self-discovery. Until next week, remember, it's never too late to discover the deeper meaning in your relationships. Much love to all!
Welcome to a new month, and if you're here, you're already taking a step towards creating a life that aligns with your true self. In this episode, we delve into the excitement and challenges of February. If you started the year with ambitious goals, now is the perfect time to evaluate whether they resonate with your authentic desires.
Reflection and Redefinition:
- Discover the joy in evaluating and dropping goals that don't align with your passion.
- Episode reference: Explore choosing goals that feel easy and fun, avoiding the burden of heavy expectations.
February Focus: Relationships After Infertility:
- February is all about relationships, especially for those who've undergone fertility treatments without becoming parents.
- Relationships change post-infertility, causing unease or a sense of detachment.
- Throughout the month, we'll explore managing and redefining relationships with partners, friends, family, and colleagues.
Fluidity in Relationships:
- Challenge the idea that relationships must last a lifetime; fluidity can lead to personal growth.
- Embrace change in relationships; it might open new opportunities or redefine existing connections.
Finding New Connections:
- Discuss the challenges of making new friends when childless.
- The importance of seeking like-minded individuals, leading to the creation of supportive communities like Lana's Chicagoland meetup group.
Wardrobe Analogy: Relationships as Clothes:
- Relationships, like clothes, can be go-to staples or items you cycle out over time.
- Embrace change, allowing relationships to evolve or gracefully conclude.
Invitation to Free Coaching Sessions:
- Lana is pursuing an advanced certification in post-traumatic grief.
- Seeking volunteers for free coaching sessions to strengthen her skills in supporting those experiencing grief after infertility.
- Reach out via Instagram DM or email to participate.
Thrive After Infertility Program:
- Lana announces the start of her Thrive After Infertility program.
- A unique approach, different from previous classes, designed to support personal growth after infertility.
- Encourages those who couldn't join this round to consider future classes.
Others Day Brunch:
- Mark your calendars for the Others Day Brunch on May 11th in Chicago.
- A gathering for women facing various challenges related to motherhood, including those without a mother or strained relationships.
- Book your ticket or join the waitlist for an elegant, champagne-filled event.
Closing Thoughts:
- Emphasizes that it's never too late to discover your meaning and encourages listeners to embrace change.
- Expresses love and wishes for a beautiful week.
Join us next week for more insightful discussions. Until then, remember, it's okay to evolve, it's okay to embrace change, and it's never too late to redefine your path. Have a wonderful week!
Introduction:
I want to share a part of my personal journey, the return to work after realizing motherhood wasn't in my cards. It was a challenging transition, and I struggled with anxiety, questioning my alignment with my career path. This episode is about recognizing your worth beyond predefined roles and titles.
Segment 1: Redefining Success:
Reflecting on my career achievements, regardless of winning titles or contests, I've come to understand that success goes beyond external validations. It's about being proud of your journey and acknowledging your accomplishments.
Segment 2: The Deservedness Dilemma:
Let's talk about why many women, especially those who've faced infertility, feel undeserving in various aspects of life. We explore the self-doubt, the questioning of worthiness, and the societal influences that contribute to these feelings.
Segment 3: Unpacking Deservedness:
Breaking down the belief that some are more deserving than others, we discuss the defense mechanisms we adopt and the impact of societal conditioning. What if we embraced the idea that every individual, regardless of their past, deserves everything they dream of?
Segment 4: Claiming Your Deservedness:
Exploring the power dynamics we create in our minds, we challenge the idea that certain dreams are too big or unattainable. I share insights on claiming your deservedness, even if your path to motherhood took an unexpected turn.
Segment 5: Embracing a New Narrative:
Life without children doesn't mean a life without fulfillment. I discuss the transformative experience of discovering a more meaningful and purposeful life beyond the traditional expectations of motherhood.
Closing Thoughts:
I encourage each one of you to recognize your inherent deservedness. Whether you're secretly dreaming of something big or navigating a path without children, know that you are deserving of every beautiful thing life has to offer.
Upcoming Events:
Don't forget, the next Thrive After Infertility Mastermind class starts in February. Join the waitlist now for an exclusive one-on-one planning session with me, and let's create a plan for you to make the most out of the 12-week mastermind.
Thank you for tuning in, and remember, you are deserving of all the incredible things life has in store for you. Until next time, thrive on, beautiful souls! 🌟
Embracing Fulfillment Beyond Motherhood
Hey there, wonderful listeners! Last week's episode was a blast, sharing all the exciting things happening behind the scenes:
- The Other's Day Brunch 2024
- My Advanced Coaching Certification in Grief and Post Traumatic Growth
- The Thrive After Infertility Mastermind in February
- My First Book!
The response to my announcements has been incredible, and I can't thank you enough for your encouragement! Many of you are curious about the timing of the book. I'm aiming to complete the writing by August 2024. If all goes according to plan, I hope to have it on the shelves by the end of 2024 – a perfect Christmas gift for yourself or a loved one.
I'll be reaching out to you for support in bringing the book to your local community. If you're interested in hosting a book reading, signing party, or helping me find a location for a launch event in your area, let me know. Your help will be invaluable in reaching those who may need the message.
Now, let's chat about something that's been on my mind – our bodies. Do you ever catch yourself comparing what your body can do to others? It's a common struggle, especially for those navigating infertility. We often feel like our bodies should fulfill certain expectations, and when they don't, disappointment creeps in.
I recently joined Solidcore, a workout that resonates with my body as I navigate the changes that come with aging. This got me thinking about how we perceive our bodies and the unnecessary comparisons we make.
Comparison truly is the thief of joy. As a woman who is childless after infertility, you may compare your life to those with children and tell yourself you are lacking. You may compare your body and be disappointed that it didn’t create a child. Society encourages it, but you can shift your mindset. Instead of feeling less-than when comparing yourself to others, let's explore what you truly want and focus on that. Abraham Hicks teaches us to think about what we don't want in a way that guides us to what we do want.
For those facing infertility, it's easy to see your body as a disappointment. But let's turn that around. Identify what you don't want – perhaps loneliness or a sense of purposelessness. Then, focus on what you do want – connection? Fulfillment? Joy?
Motherhood isn't your only path to a fulfilling life. I've found my life without it to be unexpectedly rewarding. We often limit ourselves by lumping everything into the concept of motherhood. There are countless ways to find fulfillment beyond external factors.
The key is realizing that relying solely on external things for fulfillment leads to a sense of incompleteness. Discovering the beauty within you, tapping into your own resources, is liberating. It's never too late to learn these tools, and if you want to dive deeper, consider joining the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind.
Remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning. Sending love, and I can't wait to talk to you soon!
Hey, beautiful souls! Welcome back to another empowering episode. I'm Lana Mankowski, and this is the space where we delve into the intricate journey of being childless after infertility. Last week, we explored setting attainable goals, understanding their significance, and breaking them down into manageable steps. Today, we're continuing that journey with Part Two, sharing insights on creating accessibility for you, my incredible community.
Creating Achievable Goals:
Whether your goal is fitness, nutrition, or mindfulness, it starts with small, doable steps. The key is to give yourself wins, building a foundation for the life you want to lead. I've personally experienced the pitfalls of following plans that weren't aligned with my deeper goals, and I'm here to guide you through finding your path.
Grief Certification for Coaching:
One aspect often overlooked in fertility treatments is grief. I'm thrilled to share that I'm undertaking a grief certification for coaching. Grieving isn't just about tangible losses; it's valid for lost dreams around motherhood too. As a woman who is childless not by choice, I want to offer you the tools to navigate and heal through this grief that is often pushed under the rug and not recognized as grief by those around you.
Thrive After Infertility Mastermind:
The Thrive After Infertility Mastermind is evolving, becoming even more impactful. If you've been part of Thrive before or are considering joining, exciting changes await. The next class starts in February, and the application process ensures I can tailor my coaching to those who genuinely resonate with my approach.
The Other's Day Brunch:
Mark your calendars for the third annual Other's Day Brunch on May 11th, 2024. It's a unique event, deliberately scheduled before Mother's Day, offering solace and connection for those who may not fit the traditional celebration mold. Get on the waitlist; you won't want to miss this transformative experience.
Book Announcement:
In 2024, I'm fulfilling a long-cherished dream – I'm writing a book. This resource aims to represent your journey and provide tools for personal growth. My dream is for it to become a go-to resource to women who find themselves unexpectedly childless after infertility. I will also make it my mission to connect with fertility clinics and healthcare providers to make them aware of the needs their “failed infertility patients” are seeking so they can refer to this book as an offer of support for those navigating life without children post-treatment.
Closing Words:
This year is about transformation, and I'm here to guide you. Say yes to yourself, whether it's through Thrive, The Other's Day Brunch, exploring my book, or tuning in to the podcast. I've been in your shoes, and together, we're creating a supportive space for growth and healing.
On today's podcast episode is a heartfelt discussion on setting resolutions, especially after navigating the complexities of infertility. It's a topic close to my heart, and I want to share my perspective on how we can approach the new year with authenticity and self-compassion.
But before we dive in, let me update you on my journey. I recently wrapped up a successful year in my corporate sales job and eagerly await the news on my President's Club nomination. Winning this award holds immense significance for me, representing not just professional success but a personal triumph after facing the challenges of infertility.
For those who've walked a similar path, you understand how infertility can impact career choices and personal goals. It's a unique journey filled with unexpected twists and turns. Winning President's Club is more than a title; it's a symbol of resilience, recommitment, and the belief that life after infertility can be fulfilling and purposeful.
On a related note, I'm excited to announce the upcoming round of the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind in February. This program is designed for those seeking to create a life they love without children. If you've been feeling stuck or weighed down by the challenges of infertility, consider joining this transformative community. Visit lanamanikowski.com/thrive or reach out on Instagram @Lana.Manikowski for more information.
Now, let's delve into the heart of today's conversation—setting resolutions after infertility. The pressure to conform to society's expectations can be overwhelming, especially when it comes to New Year's resolutions. Many may feel compelled to announce jaw-dropping goals, but I advocate for a different approach.
After facing infertility, the journey to motherhood may have taken unexpected turns, leaving us questioning our purpose and direction. I've been there, and I understand the struggle. When it comes to resolutions, I encourage you to focus on what feels authentic to you in this moment, not who you were during fertility treatments or before.
Infertility can leave us feeling lost in our careers and hesitant to pursue new goals. For me, winning President's Club is not just about the title; it's about rediscovering my strength and committing to a path that aligns with who I am today.
As you contemplate your resolutions, consider starting small and focusing on achievable milestones. It's not about impressing others but about honoring your unique journey and celebrating the wins, no matter how small. The key is to approach your goals in a way that feels nourishing, aligned, and, most importantly, true to your present self.
Infertility may have altered the course of your life, but it doesn't define your future. Embrace the opportunity to set resolutions that resonate with the person you are now. Small, meaningful steps can lead to significant transformations, and it's never too late to create a life that feels authentic and fulfilling.
So, as we step into this new year, let's navigate our resolutions with compassion, focusing on what feels right for us on this post-infertility journey. Remember, you're not alone, and your journey is uniquely yours. Wishing you strength, resilience, and the courage to embrace the possibilities that lie ahead.
Reflecting on Resilience:
As the year comes to a close, I've been reflecting on the resilience that comes with the journey of being childless after infertility. It's not just a personal triumph but a testament to the strength and courage you've displayed throughout your unique path.
Acknowledging Achievements:
This year, my focus has been on closing it out strong both in my career and in supporting the Thrive After Infertility community. I attribute much of my success to life coaching, which has allowed me to manage challenges with excitement and abundance. This is a significant accomplishment for me, considering the emotional toll of my fertility journey.
Gratitude for Community Connection:
Amidst the holiday hustle, I've had the pleasure of participating in a heartwarming childless/child-free gift card exchange aand also hosted an innagural gift exchange for my Childless and Childfree Meetup Group. The connection with other women who understand the journey has been truly uplifting.
Navigating the Feeling of Invisibility:
Now, let's delve into the heart of today's discussion – navigating the feeling of invisibility during the holidays. Many women who are childless after infertility may find themselves feeling unseen, especially in gatherings where conversations often revolve around family and children.
Recognizing Your Strength:
Feeling invisible may stem from not recognizing the strength you've shown throughout your fertility journey. This episode is an invitation to reflect on the incredible journey you've been on – saying 'yes' to treatments, facing uncertainties, and ultimately finding resilience in being childless.
You Are Seen and Valued:
Regardless of whether others understand your journey, know that your visibility begins with acknowledging your own strength. This holiday season, let's shift the focus from what others might see to what you see in yourself – a woman of immense strength, courage, and purpose.
Closing Words:
As you navigate the festivities, embrace the truth that you are seen, valued, and deserving of joy. Whether you choose to share your story or keep it close, remember that your journey is meaningful, and you are not alone. Wishing you a holiday season filled with self-love, connection, and the knowledge that you are truly seen. Until next week, take care and much love!
Embracing Value in Childlessness: A Journey of Self-Discovery
This week I found myself reflecting on the values that truly matter, particularly as someone who has faced the challenges of infertility. In today's episode, I invite you to explore the profound topic of self-value and the treasures that lie within us, often unnoticed.
Discovering Personal Values:
Let's take a moment to reflect on what we truly value about ourselves. Often, we spend time dwelling on what seems unfair or what we lack. But, this week, I encourage you to shift that focus onto the unique qualities that make you who you are. In my own journey, I've come to cherish lessons learned, the knowledge acquired, connections made, and the intuitive wisdom that guides me.
The Symphony of Breath and Intuition:
One aspect I want to delve into is the power of breath and intuition. Have you ever tuned in to the rhythm of your breath, especially during moments of discomfort or joy? It's a subtle yet profound guide, revealing insights about our inner state. Similarly, the voice of intuition often goes unrecognized. Today, let's celebrate these gifts and acknowledge their immense value in shaping our experiences.
Navigating Life's Crossroads:
When faced with significant decisions during my fertility journey, I discovered the importance of trusting my judgment. Whether contemplating adoption or getting and egg donor, the key was recognizing that every decision made was right for me at that moment. I encourage you to revisit your past decisions, acknowledging the strength and wisdom that guided you through challenging times.
Valuing Infertility's Unexpected Gifts:
A surprising revelation on my journey was coming to value my infertility. Beyond the struggles and heartaches, it opened doors to new perspectives and opportunities for personal growth. I've found fulfillment and meaning in unexpected places, and I want to encourage you to explore the unique gifts that your journey has brought into your life.
Embracing Childlessness with Purpose:
Embracing childlessness doesn't mean settling; rather, it's about recognizing the opportunities and desires unique to your path. I invite you to consider what you have, be it relationships, personal strengths, or unexplored possibilities. It's about finding joy and purpose in the present moment.
Conclusion:
As you embark on this journey of self-discovery, remember that your story is still unfolding. It's never too late to find meaning and purpose. Embrace what you have, stay open to new possibilities, and fuel your life with the things that truly bring you joy. Wishing you a beautiful week filled with self-discovery and love.
Navigating Thanksgiving with Gratitude: A Guide for Women Childless After Infertility
Introduction:
Hey there, it's Lana Manikowski, and welcome to another episode of The “So Now What?” Podcast. Whether you're tuning in on your way to Thanksgiving festivities or catching this afterward, I've got some tools that are universally helpful, especially for women navigating Thanksgiving without children after infertility.
Acknowledging Your Feelings:
First and foremost, let's acknowledge that your feelings are valid. There's no right or wrong way to feel during this time. If you're like many of the incredible women I work with, you might be feeling a mix of emotions—maybe some anxiety, discomfort, or even a sense of being stuck. The key here is to recognize and accept where you are without judgment.
Preparing for Family Gatherings:
As you gear up for Thanksgiving, imagine yourself driving to the celebration. Picture the house, the driveway, the familiar faces. Anticipate potential questions about your motherhood status. This mental preparation can help soften the impact of uncomfortable moments when they arise.
Crafting Your Responses:
Consider how you want to respond to those inevitable questions. It's entirely up to you. Whether you choose a straightforward "thanks for asking, but I prefer not to discuss it" or a bit of humor, having a prepared response can give you a sense of control over the situation.
Changing Your Perspective:
Now, let's shift our focus. Instead of dwelling on what's missing, explore gratitude for what you do have in your life. This isn't about comparison; it's about recognizing the blessings that may have been overshadowed by the grief of infertility. From the strength to face each day to the relationships that bring you joy, find gratitude in the present moment.
Creating New Traditions:
Embrace the opportunity to start new traditions. Maybe it's playing turkey bingo or introducing a board game to the family gathering. Creating fresh experiences can bring a sense of joy and fulfillment that transcends the challenges of your fertility journey.
Communicating with Allies:
If you have supportive family members or friends, communicate with them beforehand. Let them know if you might need a subtle rescue from uncomfortable conversations. Having an ally can make a significant difference in navigating tricky situations with grace.
Conclusion:
As you approach Thanksgiving, remember that it's never too late to discover meaning and joy in your journey. I'm grateful for this ongoing conversation and the beautiful community we're building together. Wishing you a Thanksgiving filled with moments of gratitude, new traditions, and the support of those who truly understand. I love you, and remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning. Talk to you next week!
In today's episode, we dive into the intriguing realm of self-perception and self-worth. Lana Manikowski shares her personal journey and powerful insights into reshaping your opinion of yourself. Join us as we explore how you can start to define what makes you amazing, regardless of your fertility journey.
Episode Highlights:
- Lana opens the episode by acknowledging the universal human tendency to care about what others think of us and how we often base our self-worth on them.
- The central theme of the episode is introduced: What's your opinion of yourself? Lana challenges her audience to consider this question, as it's something rarely discussed - but profoundly important.
- She reflects on how often we let external feedback dictate our actions and decisions, rather than first understanding our own self-perception.
- Many women who have experienced infertility treatments may have struggled with feeling less significant or relevant due to their inability to have children. Lana urges her listeners to reflect on their feelings about this issue.
- Listeners are encouraged to take a few minutes to jot down their thoughts about themselves, acknowledging that it might be easier to note the aspects they don't like about themselves.
- Lana suggests that we can actively decide what we want to think about ourselves. She dispels the notion that we're limited to a predefined set of characteristics, inviting her audience to think more expansively about who they are.
- She empowers her listeners by granting them permission to choose their self-perception. Lana shares her own transformative experience when she realized that she could define her self-image, irrespective of external factors.
- The episode discusses the importance of selecting words and phrases that reflect how you want to see yourself. Lana provides the example of how using daily reminders to reinforce these beliefs.
- Lana emphasizes that you don't have to wait for accomplishments to define yourself in a certain way. You can choose to see yourself as "brave," "capable," "powerful," and other positive attributes, regardless of your current circumstances.
- She shares how this shift in self-perception can lead to you actively seeking evidence to support these beliefs, ultimately shaping your reality.
- Lana encourages listeners to recognize their bravery during their fertility journey and not solely rely on external validation.
- The episode concludes with a reminder of the significance of your own opinion of yourself. It's highlighted that what you believe about yourself is pivotal and has the power to transform your life.
- Lana extends an invitation to connect and explore these concepts further through free discovery calls, as she believes these ideas can be transformative for anyone who is open to them.
Conclusion: In this thought-provoking episode, Lana encourages women who have experienced childlessness after infertility to recognize their self-image and reconsider their self-worth. By choosing to believe in their intrinsic qualities and capabilities, listeners can unlock a powerful source of self-empowerment. This episode offers a fresh perspective on self-perception, reminding us that we have the autonomy to shape our own self-image. Join us on this journey of self-discovery and empowerment, and remember, you are brave, capable, and powerful.
Episode 104
Introduction: I'm thrilled to have you with me for another episode of "The So Now What Podcast." Today, I want to talk about something that's been on my mind – those all-too-familiar feelings of helplessness. We're living in a world filled with challenges, and it's easy to find ourselves wishing we could do more to change things. First and foremost, I want to acknowledge your beautiful heart for caring so deeply.
Acknowledging Helplessness: Let's face it; we've all been there. Whether it's the ongoing global crises or the personal journey of infertility leading to childlessness, feelings of helplessness can be overwhelming. It's okay to admit when things get heavy. In fact, I took a break from the podcast last week because I needed it too. So, if you're carrying a heavy load right now, remember, it's perfectly fine to step back and recharge.
Empathy and Self-Compassion: I read a study that claims 70% of people have experienced feelings of helplessness at some point in their lives, and I'd bet that's an underreport. It's a common human experience. When we can't find a solution to our challenges, despair often sets in. We may feel disconnected, and it's not unusual for us to fall short of showing up the way we'd like to in our lives. But please, understand this: it's okay, and you're not alone.
Mindfulness and Meditation: Have you tried mindfulness and meditation? They can make a world of difference when dealing with helplessness. Mindfulness is all about being aware of your thoughts, while meditation helps quiet your mind. When I was going through fertility treatments, I found solace in meditation, and it still serves me today. It's about creating space and distance between yourself and the constant stimuli, which can help you regain clarity.
Making Conscious Choices: Sometimes, it's not just about our internal thoughts but also about the external factors in our lives. Take a closer look at where you get your information and the people you surround yourself with. If the news brings anxiety, consider limiting your exposure or finding a different source. Sometimes, it's the people in our lives that influence how we feel. It's okay to put some distance there. No need for dramatic exits; just take a step back and observe how you feel.
Community and Support: One of the most important aspects of overcoming helplessness is finding the right community and support system. If you're dealing with infertility and childlessness, reach out. I know so many amazing women, myself included, who are eager to connect with you. We have created a circle of women who have decided to thrive, and we'd love for you to join us.
Concluding Remarks: Above all, remember that you don't have to be the hero with all the answers. Sometimes, problems cannot be solved, and that's okay too. You're a wonderful person, full of love and kindness, regardless of the challenges you face. If your journey hasn't led to motherhood, know that you did your best and that's worth celebrating.
Closing: I want to wrap up by saying that you are loved, and there's a beautiful journey awaiting you, even if it's different from what you once envisioned. Embrace your uniqueness, and remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning. I'm sending you lots of love, and I'll catch up with you in the next episode.
Welcome to another episode of The “So Now What?” Podcast. In today's episode, we continue our exploration of achieving your goals through the power of habits. If you missed our last episode (Episode 102), I highly recommend going back and listening to it before diving into this one, as it lays the foundation for what we're discussing today.
Recap from Episode 102 * In our previous episode, we discussed the reasons why we often fail to establish and maintain the habits necessary to achieve our goals. * We talked about the importance of brainstorming your goals and ranking them based on importance and impact.
The Importance of "Why" * In this episode, we dive deeper into the process of creating and sustaining habits that drive us towards our goals. * One crucial aspect of this journey is understanding the "why" behind your goals. * It's essential to ensure that the goals you choose are aligned with your personal desires and values. * Ask yourself, "Why is this goal important to me?" You should feel a deep personal attachment to your chosen goals. * For example, my goal of moving more is essential because I want to maintain good bone density, move freely, and avoid physical pain as I age. * Vitamins and meal planning are vital to me because they contribute to my overall well-being and help me feel and look my best.
Goal Alignment * We need to differentiate between goals we choose for ourselves and goals imposed by external influences, such as partners or employers. * Your personal attachment to a goal will significantly impact your motivation and commitment.
Dealing with Off Days * Understand that there will be days when you don't feel like pursuing your habits or goals, and that's perfectly normal. * These off days are part of being human, and there's no shame in experiencing them. * It's crucial to evaluate the reasons behind these decisions. * For instance, if you skip a day of exercise, consider why. Is it due to fatigue, a hectic schedule, or lack of access to a gym? * Regardless of the reason, remind yourself that one missed day doesn't mean you should give up on your goal. * Reflect on whether you like your reasons for skipping the habit and whether it aligns with your long-term goals.
Choose What's Right for You * The power to choose and understand your motivations is within your control. * Your habits should align with your personal preferences and values, not someone else's expectations. * Achieving your goals through habits becomes more manageable as these habits become part of your routine.
Conclusion * Goals are simply a collection of habits, and they should be easy for you to maintain once they become ingrained in your daily life. * Remember, it's never too late to discover your true purpose and meaning. * Join us in the next episode as we continue our journey towards a more purposeful and fulfilling life.
Thank you for listening, and we wish you a wonderful week ahead.
Introduction: Welcome to October, dear listeners! If you're tuning in today, it's the early part of this promising month. As we embrace October, we're also mindful of the fact that we're nearing the end of the year. For those who approach life in quarters, this is your last chance to achieve the goals you've set for the year.
For many of us, the journey through infertility has added a unique layer of complexity to our goal-setting. In this episode, we'll explore how setting goals and cultivating habits can be especially empowering for those who've faced fertility challenges.
The Series: This episode marks the beginning of a multi-part series. While we'll provide valuable insights today, the series will continue with subsequent episodes that build upon these principles. Our aim is to help you understand that, despite the challenges of infertility, you have the capacity to achieve your dreams and goals.
Redefining Goals as Habits: Before we dive into the details, let's reframe how we think about goals. Often, when we hear the word "habit," we think of negative behaviors we're trying to overcome. However, we can view habits as new, positive elements we wish to incorporate into our lives—tools that will help us reach our goals.
Goals as Habits: Many of us who have experienced infertility have a history of being goal-oriented. We're accustomed to setting our sights on targets and pursuing them with determination. However, infertility can sometimes shake our confidence in our ability to achieve our goals. Let's start thinking of these goals as habits we're determined to cultivate.
Brainstorming: Start by brainstorming what you desire more of in your life and where you'd like to intensify your focus. Grab a journal or some paper and list all the things that resonate with you. Perhaps you've heard someone talk about something and thought, "I wish I could be someone who does that." Well, it's time to identify those desires.
My Personal Habits: To illustrate, let me share my own goals for this month and the final quarter of the year. I've chosen three habits I want to nurture, and these are especially important to me as I've navigated the challenges of infertility:
- Regular Exercise: Committing to at least three sessions of physical activity per week. Exercise has been a source of strength and resilience during my fertility journey.
- Daily Vitamin Intake: After concluding my fertility treatments, I developed an aversion to vitamins. Now, I'm ready to reintroduce daily vitamin consumption into my routine, prioritizing my overall health.
- Meal Planning: I want to engage in meal planning at least four days a week. This practice helps me make intentional choices about what I eat, which is essential for my well-being during this journey.
Adjusting Habits: I call these "habits" rather than goals because they're actions I wish to integrate into my daily life. It's crucial to consider how frequently you're willing to perform these habits. Start with achievable numbers, and if needed, be open to adjusting them as you progress.
Plan and Prioritize: As you brainstorm your own habits or goals, also consider their importance and feasibility. What impact will they have on your life, particularly in the context of infertility? Are these high-impact habits, or are some less crucial and can be postponed?
Conclusion: This marks the conclusion of Part One of our series on achieving goals through habits, with a special emphasis on the challenges of infertility. I encourage you to dedicate some time to brainstorming your own habits or goals, rank them by importance and feasibility, and understand the profound reasons behind them.
In our next episode, Part Two, we'll delve deeper into the process of creating and maintaining impactful habits, providing you with additional insights and practical advice. Stay tuned as we continue to support you on your journey toward goal achievement amidst the complexities of infertility.
Key Points:
Introduction to Thrive Week:
- Lana introduces "Thrive Week," her innovative program designed to empower women on their fertility journeys to discover fulfillment and purpose.
The Impact of Infertility:
- Lana opens up about her own challenging seven-year fertility journey that did not lead to biological parenthood.
- She delves into the emotional toll of infertility, touching on feelings of loss and the scarcity of resources available for those who do not become parents through fertility treatments.
Advocating for Childless Individuals:
- Lana's advocacy is centered on improving the support and resources accessible to individuals who find themselves childless after their fertility journeys.
- She underscores the importance of addressing the emotional well-being of those who do not have children.
Understanding Thrive Week:
- Thrive Week serves as an opportunity for individuals to embark on a new chapter in their lives, unburdened by the sense of inadequacy stemming from not becoming parents.
- Lana reinforces the notion that it is perfectly acceptable to move forward without pursuing adoption or egg donation.
The Isolation of Infertility:
- Lana reflects on the isolation she experienced during her own fertility journey, as her friends became parents while she did not.
- The creation of the "Thrive After Infertility Mastermind" is highlighted as a sanctuary, providing a supportive community where childless individuals can relate to each other's challenges.
What Thrive After Infertility Offers:
- Thrive is a comprehensive 12-week program designed to unite a close-knit group of women. Together, they share their personal stories, foster deep connections, and provide mutual support.
- The program encompasses weekly meetings, a group chat, and a safe space where participants can openly discuss their trials and triumphs.
Navigating Difficult Seasons:
- Lana discusses the timing of the program, beginning in October, which is strategically chosen to offer support during emotionally challenging holiday seasons such as Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.
- These times can be particularly trying for those who had hoped to celebrate them with children.
Creating New Traditions:
- Thrive After Infertility empowers participants to establish fresh traditions and find ways to connect with holidays, even in the absence of children.
- It encourages individuals to redefine their own purpose and meaning in life.
Changing the Narrative:
- Lana emphasizes the significance of altering the narrative surrounding childlessness and finding meaning beyond motherhood, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling life.
Conclusion and Invitation:
- Lana extends an invitation to the listeners, urging them to consider joining Thrive After Infertility.
- She underscores that the tools and support gained from the program have the potential to create lasting positive change in their lives.
- Lana encourages self-investment in the journey toward healing and discovering fulfillment.
I can't even tell you how good it feels. To say Episode 100 and how connected I feel to this community and to this mission that I have to help women thrive and feel fulfilled without the children they always dreamed that they would have.
So when it came to deciding on a topic for my 100th episode, I've got to tell you, I was a little like. Wanting to make sure it was good enough and would be something that seemed worthy of my hundredth episode, because it does seem like such a milestone. And I realized that it doesn't matter what number episode it is that if I brought something to you, and I try to do this every week when I do the podcast, bring something to you that.
Creates a difference or a new perspective for you to consider in your life, then that's a celebration. So it doesn't matter whether it's episode 100 episode 2 or episode 486. God willing, I'll get there 1 day I. Want you to know that I created this podcast to be open and honest about the things that we experience as women who are childless, not by choice, or women who have gone through fertility treatments and realize that our journey to motherhood is not going to be there for us in the way we thought it would be.
And so that's how today's episode came about. I was actually in a coaching session with one of my students. And we were talking about being brave and spoiler alert, today's episode is going to be about feeling brave during this journey after your fertility treatments and, but also handling people telling you how brave you are, because I think we hear that a lot.
And we hear that a lot because we are brave. Your mind might be saying, yeah, but I don't want to be brave. I just wanted to be a mom. I don't want people to tell me that I'm brave because I had no choice in this circumstance of going through fertility treatments or being diagnosed as infertile. And I want to pause you there and tell you that this was all optional.
You could have found out that you weren't going to be a mom. And you could have sat idle and done nothing, and maybe you didn't have an option. Maybe IVF wasn't an option for you. Maybe treatments weren't an option for you because you know that your body never would have produced a baby or because of other things going on within your body or in your immune system that motherhood was never going to be an option.
And you didn't have the ability to take action to create a child. But let me tell you that even if that was your case. You had the option to decide, do you want to feel better? Do you want to show up in your life feeling the best that you possibly can, despite life turning out so differently than you thought it would.
That's who this episode is for. It's for the yous out there and the me's the former me's who decided that. I wanted to embrace what it feels like to be brave and acknowledge myself as somebody who did not stop with this answer or this diagnosis of infertility, or for me, it was unexplained infertility.
I didn't want that to be the ending point in my story. So let's talk a little bit about why it's so jarring for somebody to tell us that we're brave because. Like I've said before, people are going to say the things that they say, we can't really control what they say or why they say them, but what we can control is our interpretation of what it is that they're offering us with their words.
When it comes to somebody telling us, you're so brave. Why are we rejecting of that? Because let's be honest, when you hear somebody or think of somebody who is brave, that feels really like a powerful person and like brave is powerful word. So I'm going to ask you to do a little bit of thinking about what the word brave means to you.
I don't think that there's one particular definition, but I think. You should have some idea of what you think brave is not as it relates to you. But what just the word in general. So, when you've thought about that word, and that idea of bravery, why is it that. You're not willing to see yourself as brave because most people that we think of as brave probably are doing something exceptional.
They're probably doing something that we look at them and we think, God, that takes. A lot of focus, or that takes a lot of courage, or that takes a really strong person. So, why is it that we reject or maybe you feel angst towards somebody defining you as brave? It's probably because we didn't want to be here.
We didn't want to have to be the brave one. We didn't want to have to be the poster child for somebody who's trying so hard at something that they know they really want, and it might be unachievable for them. I first want you to just take ownership of the fact that you embody all those things
You listening even to this podcast today, even if that's all that you're able to do right now in this journey of yours. You're brave. You saying yes to fertility treatments, you deciding to do a round of IVF, you saying yes to an IUI, you looking into adoption, even if it wasn't the right decision for you, you considering egg donor as an option, even if it didn't end up being the right decision for you.
That shit's brave. Okay. I'm just going to say it. So decide that being brave in your story can be something that is powerful. But also if you're somebody who maybe wants to get into the discussion with somebody, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, that's okay too. We don't have to allow people to use words or define us in a certain way that doesn't feel good to us.
But before I get into that part of the podcast, I just want you to think about. Why you don't want to see yourself as brave, and maybe you never thought about the fact that you are doing that. So maybe this podcast, listening to it and taking some of this into consideration might make you say, you know what, like.
I feel really good about who I am and the bravery that I'm showing in my life. For women who are childless. After IVF or infertility diagnosis. Comments like you're so brave and. Other well intentioned comments I've talked about this in other episodes, but when people say things to us, and they want to give advice to us, or say something that is comforting.
Can sometimes make us feel really uncomfortable and they may be well intentioned, but we may interpret them as insensitive or challenging because of the emotions. That we are feeling or the thoughts that we're having about us related to our infertility journey. So I'm going to give you also maybe some tips of things that you can say, or offer people who tell you things like you're so brave if you don't want to hear that.
Let's 1st acknowledge that we can express our feelings. It's essential that we communicate our emotions, honestly, if we feel like that's something that is going to help us on our journey. Maybe you can say something like, thank you so much for your kind words, and I want you to know that my journey through infertility has been incredibly difficult, and I'm still processing my feelings about it.
And you can say that that's an option, or you can share your story. Maybe you're at a point where you're getting more comfortable with telling people what you've gone through and certainly you don't owe anyone an explanation about your journey, but you can choose to share it. So that's some of the stuff that we do in thrive after infertility is we get clear on the story.
That we want to tell because if we want to share this story, how can we create and like literally like we write the story out, we choose. And if you join thrive after infertility, I'll help you choose the words that you want to use to describe yourself and describe your story. So decide that maybe you're ready to start telling your story and disclosing it to others.
Maybe when somebody tells you you're so brave, you can educate them on what infertility and what the journey through fertility treatments looks like because many people don't. Maybe know somebody who's infertile. Maybe they don't know anyone who's ever been through IVF. And so you explaining them the complexities of infertility and the emotional toll it can take will maybe allow you to gently educate them about your experience.
So maybe saying something like infertility is a complex issue and it's not always about bravery. It's about navigating a challenging journey and trying to find resilience. You can borrow that if you'd like. I think another thing is How to handle feeling this desire to take in the words of bravery and maybe after today's podcast, you'll, you'll start to look at bravery in a different way.
Maybe you can do that through seeking support in communities. So that's something that I'm very proud of that. We do in the thrive after infertility mastermind. I bring women together. And they choose to come into Thrive because they're seeking community. They're seeking this place that feels safe and feels like you could finally let go of this tension that you have about your story or about yourself or these things that you've been thinking or feeling so providing yourself an opportunity to join a group or something like thrive after infertility will allow you to step forward and celebrate bravery with other women and maybe see how they celebrate and how you want to celebrate and create your own form of bravery. I think also setting boundaries. So if you're finding like certain comments don't feel right to you or don't sit right, or maybe they're on triggering or uncomfortable, don't be afraid to set boundaries.
You can say something like, I appreciate your concern, but I'd really prefer not to talk about my infertility right now. And pause, leave it at that. Because boundaries, I think, are some of the most important things that we can offer ourselves. And offer others, because most likely the people who are telling that telling you that you're brave, they probably are not ill intentioned to you.
They just feel like they need to offer you something. So maybe telling them that, you know, this is something that you're not up for talking about is a kind way for you to love yourself and love your reasons why you're preserving the energy that you. Are for yourself in this journey that you're trying to navigate.
I think another way that you can handle this is focusing on self care and taking care of your physical and emotional well being during this time and maybe engaging in activities that provide you some relaxation or provide you some opportunity to create a story of bravery that aligns with your definition of it when it comes to infertility let's think about celebrating your bravery or your resilience.
We think that we have to do these things and that it's. It's not an option, and we don't take time to really celebrate what we've done for ourselves and how we showed up for ourselves in this journey. And that doesn't mean that you have to celebrate only the times that you think you're picture perfect and how you handled a canceled cycle a failed cycle or a retrieval that had zero embryos.
I think that we can celebrate things about how we showed up in that circumstance without it having to be the optimal result that we wished for. So the other thing I'd like to think about is considering seeking help. So seeking support, yes, but we all know, and I talk about this a lot, the fertility clinics have not done a great job.
About remembering the women like us that went through the journey that spent the tens of thousands and in my case, hundreds of thousands of dollars through my 7 year journey, seeking motherhood and a lot of them have failed us by not providing us resources. So consider opportunities to seek professional help, seek a therapist, work with a life coach, go to acupuncture, find somebody who can help you navigate this path, because You weren't given the opportunity to just go through a list of people that are recommended by your clinic.
And if you're struggling to cope with, the emotional toll that infertility can create for us, because of this dream that we are feeling like we have to say goodbye to, that we didn't want to say goodbye to, there is opportunity to consider professional help. And it's something that I continuously work on.
I really want their fertility clinics to know that we matter. And even though we're not a billable patient in their system anymore, if they just had their last conversation with us giving us the options of adoption or egg donor, I'd love for them to know that we want to hear back from them. We want them to check on us and say, hey, what did you decide?
And when we tell them that egg donor and adoption wasn't the right answer for us, Wouldn't it be lovely if they said, well, here's some more options for you. Here are some resources for you. Here are some podcasts for you. Here's some therapists that we think are really good. They've been through the journey and they understand where you're at.
Or here's a life coach. That could help you she was 1 of our former patients, or she's been a patient who has been in your path and maybe she can help you. I think it's really important that as I'm summing up, you know, this 100th episode, I 1st want to make sure that we understand what bravery is, and if you think of somebody who is brave as like this powerful person, consider the fact that you are brave.
You are so freaking powerful what you've been through and what you've digested in this journey. A lot of people couldn't do it. But you did it. And even though it didn't turn out the way that you thought it was going to be, you are still here today. You're listening. Your ears are with me today because you know that there's more you want with your life.
And when motherhood can't be the answer, I want to help you realize that you can be your own answer know that that's not impossible. I watch women do it. Every single week with me, like the women that I coach in my community are no different than you. I was no different than you. I hated hearing that.
I was brave. I hated people telling me you can always adopt. I just, I felt so angered by those things because. I wasn't sitting into what I was really believing about myself. And when you realize how much you're capable of beyond motherhood. That's where life starts to unfold and I would love for you to believe that that's possible for you.
If that is something that you're interested in, this is where I want to invite you into Thrive After Infertility. The Thrive After Infertility Mastermind is so amazingly glorious. The magic that I see women creating in their life. Because they have said yes to them and they've said yes to this community of women that are wanting to grow women who know that their life is destined for greater.
That's the type of work and that's the type of women that come into the thrive after infertility mastermind. So I invite you to. Apply for thrive, we're about to start our next class in October, and it is going to be so fricking great. And I want you to be there. I want you to show up in December of this year when the holidays are coming around and that New Year's.
Celebrations are about to start. I want you to be ready to start 2024 feeling like you are on top of the world again. So that is it for episode 100. If this is your first episode, thank you for listening. If this is your hundredth episode. Thank you for believing in me and sharing in this journey with me as I get all teary eyed here.
If you're watching me on YouTube, you can see how emotional I get sometimes in these episodes, because I really bring my authentic self and I bring the authentic topics that I see coming up with my students and in my own life, because that's what this podcast is all about. Because I asked myself so many times, like, so now what am I going to do?
So now what's going to happen and the, so now what podcast was created to give you an opportunity to think about what is next and what you're capable of. So have a beautiful week. I love you. And remember it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
I am just so overwhelmed with excitement and pride and joy. That I have showed up here 99 times with a podcast episode. Hard to believe that in just a few days it's going to be the two year anniversary of the start of the podcast. So if you have been listening since two years ago in September, or if this is your first episode,
I thank you for helping me continue to grow with the my message, helping me to continue to reach more women like us that are yearning to know that we can thrive and feel fulfilled. Even though we didn't have the children, we always dreamed of. So my ask of you in celebration of our next episode, which is going to be 100.
Could you please rate and review the podcast. The more the podcast is rated and reviewed, the more likely it is when a woman is searching for resources or Googling what to do about life after infertility fails.
Or how to live life happily. If you can't have the children, you always dreamed of. The podcast might show up in their Google search because of your review and because of the rating that you gave this podcast. So if you haven't done that, I would love, love, love to invite you to do so and help a woman out who might be in need in navigating this journey that we are so not prepared for and not offered enough resources of how to navigate it in a way that feels good to us and makes us feel as though.
Life can be. Easy and joyful and glorious again. This episode came to me as a result of a live with Stephanie joy, Philips, who is the founder of world childless week. If you aren't familiar with world childless week, I invite you listen to all that Stephanie has put together, maybe read on the website of all the opportunities that you are going to have September 11th through the 17th, to be part of her free resources around world childless week. Every day of the week, there is something that you can tune into. There are webinars.
There are speakers. I myself will be speaking and be part of a panel on the 17th of September at 1:00 PM central. So I invite you to go on and listen, to hear what is going on during world childless week and find. Something that you can tap into to allow yourself to know that you are not alone on this journey. I invited her to be on a live with me on Instagram and we were just having a conversation about world childless week. And we got on the topic of legacy if you are somebody who is questioning of your legacy, And what your legacy is going to be if you're not a mom, I first want to state that you aren't alone. This is a hot topic for many of us, many of the students that I work with in my thrive community.
Have come to me, questioning that I, at one time question what my legacy could be. If it wasn't a child that I gave birth to, or a child that I raised. And when Stephanie and I were talking about like a C, she really opened my eyes to something that I thought was worth sharing with you today on the podcast.
If you are somebody who is maybe wondering what you're going to leave behind, as far as the legacy goes, I want you to know that. Your legacy is much greater and much easier to achieve than you might think it is because somehow in society we have been.
Invited or maybe I don't want to say brainwashed, but maybe some of us have been brainwashed to believe that you have to physically leave a child behind to create your legacy. But really a legacy is. Something that can include accomplishments. It can include traditions values. Maybe it's a possession that's passed down.
Uh, contribution. But really like a lasting impact. That you are remembered or influential by the giving. Of something from you. Stephanie and I were talking on the live. If you want to rewatch it, it's on my Instagram page, Atlanta dot Monaco. But we were talking about. The legacy that she created through world childless week. I created a legacy through starting this podcast. It's something that I very much see as something that I gave birth to and continue to nourish on a weekly and daily basis. But she pointed out to me that your legacy could be something.
That is so impactful just by saying hello to somebody. By giving someone a compliment. By asking someone how they're doing. If you can offer them. Maybe advice or offer them a listening ear. You are probably going to create a legacy for that person, that they are always going to remember you for. And I don't want to even call them small legacies by doing that versus something in air quotes, that's considered like big by creating something as grand as the others day, brunch or world childless week or a podcast.
I think. The legacy that we can leave by simply. Being a loving human is so much more impactful than these things that you might end up in the media covering, or you might forever be passed down. As knowing somebody who was the founder of something. I think back to when I first was on the phone with a girlfriend of mine who asked me.
If I had thought about getting workup and going to a reproductive endocrinologist to see why I hadn't gotten pregnant yet at age 37. That is like a legacy she left for me all these years later. Now that I'm beyond my fertility treatments and know that I'm not going to become a mom. I will always think of her. When I think about somebody who offered me that first idea or that first notion.
Of reaching out. And even starting my diagnosis and starting my path through my fertility treatments. That is a legacy that she left to me. And I think about how many people. You probably touch on a daily basis. By being you. And when we think of legacy having to be. Something that is global or Known by many. It can feel like we're never going to achieve that part of our life. That feels like we are leaving a legacy. But maybe it's as simple. I'm going to kind of go through some ideas. Of some ways that you can create legacy and create impact maybe in your own life. And then pass it on for others. So, first of all determining
what type of legacy you want to create? If it is. Being somebody who is a positive person or somebody who is an educator. Maybe on infertility or being an advocate about something that you're passionate about. Maybe it's related to your career. Or community that you're a part of, or that, cause that makes you passionate. So understanding how on a daily, weekly, monthly, like decide the frequency of it.
How you can start to create goals for what it is that you want to be known for. Even if it's just you reaching out and complimenting people. Maybe you want to think, how can I every day say hello to one stranger? How can I every day give a compliment to that person that's walking by and they have this.
Darling haircut. And you say, I love your hair. To me, that is creating legacy. Of being somebody who is always offering. Positivity. Or finding opportunities. To say hello to that person who might not have had anyone else in their day say hello to them. I guarantee you. That makes a huge impact.
Maybe giving back so actively deciding that you want to align yourself with a philanthropic organization or some sort of community service, and it doesn't have to be. Generosity through finances, it could just be helping others, maybe showing up. At a nursing home and finding ways that maybe you can lead an activity during their activity hours. Maybe it could be.
Organizing. Events or creating opportunities to bring joy to a community. Sitting down and coloring with young youth, or maybe it's helping kids with homework and an afterschool program, boys and girls club, but there's countless ways that you can find opportunities to give back.
Through that mentoring and maybe education sharing your knowledge and experience with others, because there is so much about you that I promise is unique to you and can touch so many others through your greatness and through the path that you have lived. Something else that I think is very important is documenting your journey. So maybe keeping a record of experiences, maybe lessons that you've learned.
Accomplishments things that can be collected in journaling paper, thinking. Books or some other form of media. There's so much of our life that we are continuously impacting. Others and impacting the world. And if we don't take record of it, it's so easy that things just maybe fall by the wayside. And you don't remember all the things that you have accomplished.
Building relationships. So maybe fostering positive relationships with family, with friends, maybe with colleagues. And seeing how your impact in these people's lives create a significant part of your legacy.
Another thing I was thinking of is sustainability. Maybe it's considering ways that you can impact the environment. Maybe you're somebody who wants to cut down on the use of plastic, to use more reusable items and create energy towards a healthy environment and creating mat for future generations. Sustainability practices can be part of your legacy. Maybe advocating for a cause I recently. Was a guest on someone's podcast. And I had told them that I'm an advocate for infertility. And they corrected me and they told me I was an activist. And hearing someone say that about me,
I bet you there's ways that people see you as an activist for a cause. Because you're championing a cause and maybe a social issue you're passionate about, or maybe change that you want to see created or leaving your mark.
On that causes progress is such an amazing way to create legacy for yourself. And feeling as though you're leaving something behind. I also think it's. A really beautiful option to consider leading by example. And maybe it's being a role model in the way that you live your life and the way that you have gone through your infertility journey or your path to childlessness.
And be an example and a role model to people that maybe are going to end up like us. That's something that drives me and I know. That there's probably so many people in your life that look at you and see the way that you are navigating your path after infertility. And you can be such a light to them.
And you can be a role model with your ethics and with your values and your behavior. Absolutely will inspire others to follow in your footsteps if they and their journey. And they find that they are going to become childless, not by choice, having you lead by example is such a powerful thing. And I also think maybe doing some planning about how you want to leave your matters in order as we age and think about death and where we want to leave our money, where we want to leave the things that we've accumulated, making sure that your assets are distributed in a way that. Reflects your values and your wishes. Even though we don't have kids to leave things behind. There is so much that we can leave behind maybe it's to a cause maybe it's to a person maybe.
It's to something that you've been passionate about your whole life. But whatever it is, know that because you don't have kids. Does not mean that you do not have legacy. You have an option every day the minute you put your feet on the floor to create a legacy just by being you every day.
Your legacy matters and can be impactful in many more ways because you're touching so many people beyond just having a child. I feel like our legacy as women who are childless. Can be so much greater and so much wide reaching. Know that your legacy matters and that I believe in you. And I know that you are so impactful just by waking up and being you every day.
I wanted to tell you that the thrive after infertility mastermind applications are open right now. So if you have been thinking. About how you can start to thrive and feel fulfilled and create community with other women who have been on your journey. The thrive after infertility mastermind is the perfect place for you to do that.
The application process is solely just so we know that. We are aligned with one another. What you're seeking is something that I can offer you in the thrive masterminds. So please go on to Londa. Manock. husky.com/thrive. Fill out the application and know that you are saying yes to a journey that will create lifelong friendships with other women who have been on this journey, we will come together weekly. And we will talk about the things that maybe have you feeling stuck.
I can't wait for the thrive after infertility and mastermind to start. I know it is going to be an exceptional opportunity for you to create that life. You're so deserving of. So have a beautiful week. I love you. And remember it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
I put a post on Instagram talking about some things that I was so not expectant of when my fertility journey ended and I didn't end up becoming a mom.
I felt like I was really uninformed because I didn't end up becoming a mom and want to talk about today is what are some of the things that we weren't expecting would come after our fertility journey ended and we didn't become a mom? I feel like that's not talked about enough I feel like we go to the clinics I feel like we go through and we're like on board and a hell yes for all of our treatments But there's just a lack of preparation of what might happen if those treatments end and we don't become a mom.
The biggest thing was this loss of understanding of what my purpose was going to be in life. So anyone who's on here, you have ever felt like you just didn't know what... The meaning would be for you to be here if it wasn't going to be a mom a lot of the work that I've done with my students and thrive is understanding what it is that we even want to do with our time.
Maybe you feel like there's this huge void in your time and most people tell you Oh, you're so lucky. What a luxury that you get to sleep in on a Saturday or how awesome that you get to go home at the end of your work day and you don't have to make. Dinner for your family that feels really heavy to a lot of women who have gone through this journey We feel like everyone thinks having so much time should be easy But it feels almost like we don't know what to do with our time and it feels like a burden Does anyone ever feel like they feel burdened by finding ways to fill your time that seems meaningful and seems like It's a good use of your time?
I wasn't prepared for that.
I wasn't Prepared for going into crowds and meeting new people because there's so often the icebreaker Questions (I talked about that a couple episodes ago on the podcast) of how there just seems to be this Icebreaker question when you go to maybe a networking event for work, or if you're, going to say a wedding and you're seated at a table with people you don't know, and you know that the introductory questions are going to be like, Oh, how many kids do you have?
Or, stuff about being a mom that seems really awkward.
I think I wasn't prepared for that.
Have you ever felt like maybe you've been with a group of friends or been in this crowd of people and you feel like you're the only one who has this weird feeling about being there. Maybe you feel really isolated or really alone because it seems like everyone with kids gets on the kid talk which you know good for them - I don't want to tell them not to talk about their kids, but I sometimes in the past have had opportunities to feel like I just didn't have anything to add to the conversation and, I just sort of felt like I was kind of boring because it seemed like everyone had these things that they were connecting and Feeling like they had something in common and then here I was I was like, oh do they know that I went through fertility treatments?
Are they censoring things because they think that they're making me feel uncomfortable because I don't have kids? So I feel like I wasn't really prepared for feeling left out because before fertility treatments I was always the life of the party and I was always like the cheerleader and the planner and the organizer and finding the fun things for people to do and then as my journey continued and I wasn't Really feeling as festive as I used to feel I just started feeling kind of like I was an outsider Even though I don't think people intentionally made me feel that way.
There was a lot of reflection on what I brought to the table just by being Lana So I'm curious, does that come up? The other thing I think I wasn't prepared for was questioning my relationship with my husband.
We have a really solid marriage.
We have a lot in common.
We're also very independent as much as we are as a couple. But I'm just curious, have any of you ever felt like you weren't sure if your marriage was going to be enough? And then you started feeling shameful about the thought that you even had that you would question your marriage because here you had this partner that saw you through all of this and saw you through your journey and how dare you question whether your marriage was going to be enough.
And when I was going through that, I felt really like I wasn't authentic. I recently shared that with my husband, all these years later, he didn't know that I was actually. feeling a little bit disconnected. But what it really was this fear that without Children, what if we run out of things to do?
What if we've run out of conversation? Because I remember, like early on, after my fertility treatments ended, we would sit there at dinner and we would just talk about our work day. We would go through the checklist of Oh, how was your day? How was your day? What's for dinner? What we made, what was on the table, and then maybe like what was going on for the weekend.
And it just felt like there was a lot of unexcited conversation. So I'm just curious, is there ever a time in your marriage where maybe you were like, Gosh, is this really going to work? Do we have what it's going to take to feel, fulfilled and feel... connected to one another without having a child to share.
When I shared that with my husband, you know, I said it in a way that I was like, I feel really sad,, telling you this, because I don't believe that anymore. With all the work that I've done and the coaching that I've done, I see our marriage in such a different way. But I harbored a lot of, shame and guilt that I would even question if my marriage was going to be enough.
Lastly, I would just say finding a community, I wasn't prepared for the journey that I was going to go on to find the people like you, you're the people that I was searching for, and I feel so blessed and feel so grateful that we have found each other I wasn't prepared for it to be me.
It's been so hard to find other women who had lived the journey or can relate to the story that I related to. I feel so grateful for all of you, but I really wish that, you know, the clinics and the doctor's offices had more resources for people like us. And that people like us had an easier way to find each other and network with each other.
And for the love hate relationship that so many of us probably have with each other. Social media. I'm like so grateful that because of social media, this community that we have has put us together. And I'd love to tell you about how this community has changed my life because until I found other women who understood my story and could relate to my story, I just always felt like my life was going to be better.
at 80%. And I don't know if you're somebody who, you're not like an average person. I know I was somebody who was always like this zealous overachiever type who loved doing great things and knowing how to create a goal and knowing how to achieve it. And when I finished my fertility treatments and my ability to create a child was not part of my story, I really started to think like, My best years were behind me and here I was like only in my 30s and early 40s and I was like, is this it?
And so that's when I started my podcast and that's when I decided To start telling my story and I figured if there was nobody that anyone could refer me to that could tell a story that sounded like mine, maybe I could tell my story and it could create connection for me to find people like you and through the telling of my story, there's been so much love and so much connection and so many things that have changed in my life.
Because I started to decide that I didn't want to be shameful of not being able to have a child. I didn't want to be shameful and believe that I was a failed woman because I was a failed fertility patient. When I created, this new identity for myself, that being childless not by choice doesn't mean that my life has to be at 80%, I feel like the floodgates opened.
That's why I started the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind. That's why I founded The Others Day. That's why, I started the podcast. But the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind is The best three months that you could ever have in your life because you are going to uncover such amazing things about yourself About your future about the desires that you have to go on and create a life that You're super proud of even though it doesn't contain the children. You always dreamed that you would have so thrive after infertility is purposely a small group setting because I think it's super important to create relationships and create friendships with people who know your story.
The doors to Thrive After Infertility. Are going to open in September. I'm going to start taking the applications very soon. And then Thrive's going to be October, November, and December. I would love to tell you more about it. I would love to tell you if you're a good fit for it, Um, not that anyone would ever be turned away for it, but I think that there's some people who are ready for it now and maybe some people who will be ready for it in a short amount of time because one of the things I carry around is a lot of integrity and I'm not somebody who's going to promise someone that their life is going to change just by signing up for three months of working and thrive. There's, I think the right person and where they want to go and the goals that they have. Yeah. are super important to me and I would only bring people into Thrive After Infertility if their desires is something that I can offer and if I can't help you, I promise that I will put you in touch with somebody who can help you.
Thrive After Infertility is my greatest love, and I'm talking about it so much today because so many of the students that I've worked with, I just love hearing where their lives end up. after we spend time together and thrive. I wanted to acknowledge some of the things that I think we weren't prepared for. And if there's anything I missed, let me know. These were just kind of some of the things that were top of mind for me today.
I just want to let you know that if you are feeling alone and you're feeling isolated and maybe feeling like nobody prepared you for what life would be like when fertility treatments ended and you didn't become a mom. Know that there is a huge community of women who understand that, and maybe have experienced that, and even if you want to reach out, and I could try to connect you with somebody that I know that maybe lives locally, and you can find someone that you can do a coffee date with, or even if you want to hop on a Zoom with me, I would so love to share my calendar with you, And just talk to you and be here for you and just listen to what you have to say, because I think no matter where your story ended up, your story matters, and it doesn't matter how many miscarriages you've had, it doesn't matter if you never got pregnant, it doesn't matter if you've had a stillborn or lost a child after it was born, you're never too far gone To create a life that you love and I know that because I've experienced it myself and I see my students Continually experience it and create that life for them So never believe that your story is too sad to recover from
So I will leave you with that this week. I love you. And remember it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
This week I will share with you how I prepare myself, even... After all the years of coaching and being a certified life coach, I still prepare myself when I go somewhere that might be potentially triggering.
So let me tell you a little bit about what's in store for me this afternoon. So a colleague of my husband's is having an outdoor party at their home and they invited us to go. It's been on the calendar for probably two months and recently my husband told me that it's going to be an outdoor party and there's going to be a pool party for like all the kids that are going to be there.
And I found myself, a small part of me, wanting to say, you know what, maybe I'll make up an excuse and not go. Maybe I'll tell them that all of a sudden I woke up in the morning with a migraine and I couldn't make it. But I decided that I wanted to kind of consider why I would create that story. And why I didn't want to go.
So, today I want to talk to you about that and tell you... How I go through this process of deciding what I want to go to and why I want to go to it and how I can prepare myself to show up at this event that is going to be full of kids, full of parents, full of families, that, um, how I can go and really have a good time.
So the first thing I wanted to talk about is think of an opportunity that you have had to go somewhere. Or maybe there's something on the books. Maybe there's something coming up for you that you've maybe dreaded going. So this will be the perfect opportunity to work through this with me. So think about what it is and why you want to go.
And why you don't wanna go. And for me, I wanna go because I wanna support my husband. This is something related to some business colleagues of his, and I know it means a lot to him to go. I could certainly tell him I don't wanna go, and he would understand that, but. In my heart, like I want to support him and be an active spouse to him.
So that's one of the reasons that it's important for me to say yes to going. Even though there's part of me that gets nervous that I'm not going to have anything in common with these moms that are going to be there. Or watching these families at a pool party in the pool with their kids and I just have all these visions of how uncomfortable that might be.
But I want to focus more on why it's important for me to go. The other part is, we're going to take the long way there. Now think about that. Like taking the long way to somewhere that I would normally probably want to be like on the expressway, can't get there fast enough. But we're going to have an adventure leading up to our arrival.
So we're going to take local roads. We're going to go along Lake Michigan, the whole way there. Go through probably some beautiful neighborhoods, twists and turns. So going the long way is really important to me. Because it will give me time to bond with my husband. It'll give me time to decompress. It'll give me time to enjoy my surroundings.
in anticipation of something that might be potentially triggering, which might be, you know, running in again and seeing these families and these kids that feels to me in my head. I'm creating this anxiousness. I don't know if that's how I'm going to feel when I get there, but taking the long way will give me an opportunity to say, you know what?
Like, I'm so grateful that we have a lifestyle that we can take the long way somewhere that we can create our own adventures on the way there.
And then understanding, like, once I get there, I'm probably going to meet people that I've never met before. My husband probably knows a lot of people because it's going to be work people that he knows. And they're probably going to be asking me, Oh, so do you guys have kids? What's going on? Do you know, um, you know, do your kids go to school around here?
How old are your kids? And so I've decided already that my answer is going to be no. So when somebody says, do you have kids? I've already played it through my mind. I'm going to be like, no, and just be silent. Okay, like how easy is that to practice? One word. I don't have to over explain. Maybe I want to over explain, but what if I just say no?
I don't have kids and just pause and I don't have to jumble over my words and get nervous about whether I'm saying the right thing or whether it's Uncomfortable for them to sit there and ask me why. They're welcome to ask me why. And I've decided if somebody does, I'm gonna tell them.
I'm gonna say, oh, we try to have kids and it didn't work out for us. Silence. Okay, maybe they'll want to say, well, you can always adopt. Maybe they'll stop and they'll not say anything. What if they just don't question why I didn't have kids after that? Why I didn't, maybe someone's not going to ask me, did you think about getting a donor?
Did you think about adopting? What if they're just like, oh, cool. Lucky you. And what if they say lucky you and I don't get triggered by that? What if I do actually think of myself as lucky that I have This journey that turned out so differently than I thought it was, like, what if you can think of yourself, maybe as lucky, not because you're not a mom, but because of the things that have come to you through your journey of not becoming a mom.
And that's really what I try to focus on. And then I've also thought about, maybe I want to tell people what I do. Maybe I want to tell people that because of my journey through infertility treatments and becoming childless, not by choice, I decided to become a certified life coach. And I've created a community for women who are searching to thrive and feel fulfilled, even though they couldn't have the children they dreamed of.
So maybe me elaborating on what I've done through my journey of infertility. will open their eyes that there's more women like us that are out there. Maybe they don't know anyone who's never had kids or gone through fertility treatments. Maybe they know somebody who's going through it right now who might need a community or might need a resource and they can say, hey, I met this woman.
At this pool party and I wanted to share her podcast with you or check her out on social media. She says that there's a whole community of women that she talks to all the time that are searching for support or are creating support or creating lives that they love, even though they didn't have the Children they always dreamed of.
So I could do a wonderful service. by telling people what I've done through my infertility journey. And I think that's really important, too. And then also establishing a check in time. So maybe if you're going somewhere and you're going either with a friend or a partner or by yourself. Take an opportunity, maybe set a timer on your phone and check in and say, okay, how am I feeling?
Am I at my max? Am I like ready to get out of here? Am I like good with saying, hey, I came, I, you know, showed my face. I was supportive to my spouse. We said hello, but I'm ready to like get out of here. That's fine. Maybe you can set a timer and just have that be an opportunity. You know, your husband is.
Like mine or your partner's like mine. He sometimes like gets caught in conversation and forgets that I'm standing there by myself And so I've got to be like, hey, honey, so maybe if we both set timers on our phone, it'll be an indication that he Steps away from the conversation that he's in and comes and checks in on me and just even if it's like a little Hand on the shoulder and it's like hey, babe.
How are you? And we just kind of already pre communicated that we were going to have these check ins with each other. And if I'm starting to feel like uncomfortable or feeling like I don't really have much in common with these people at the party, we can just agree ahead of time that we're going to support each other and we're going to head out soon after that.
So I think that's something really important to do is kind of have a check in for yourself. And then one of the things that I'm planning on doing is on our ride home. Or on our drive home or departure from, from this event whenever we choose to leave, is really think about was it that bad? Was it as bad as I was anticipating it to be?
'cause I think a lot of us, rightfully so, get a lot of anxiousness because we're not sure what to expect. But if we evaluate what went right, For us or what felt easy for us or what didn't feel as uncomfortable as we thought it would, maybe it won't feel. So scary the next time, or maybe we can recall those things when we have our next event that we have to go to, because let's be honest, there's going to be events, whether it's with our partners or friends, or maybe it's through work, you have like a networking event, or you're going to this Symposium or meeting at work where you don't know a lot of people.
These are skills that you can continue to build upon and start to increase more confidence in yourself because you're practicing them. And the best way to practice them is to pay attention. Like what happened, what felt good, what didn't feel good, and what might change the next time. Maybe you thought of a, something new, maybe a new answer you wanted to respond.
With when somebody said, oh, you know, are your kids here? Or Are your kids in the pool? And just practice that. 'cause I think a lot of the anxiousness that comes up for us is because we're. going in foreign places that we're just not sure how to respond. so I'll go over that again.
So you're going to understand why you're going. If you like your reasons for going more than you like your reasons for staying home. So you don't have to fake the migraine, but you can fake the migraine. Understanding that maybe you can take the long way there and that your route there or your time in the car, whether it's the long way or the short way, having time to appreciate your togetherness with whomever you're with in the car, understanding that you can respond the way that you want to respond when somebody asks if you have kids. You can just simply say no. You can maybe educate them through your story and understand that by you telling your story, you might be helping somebody else that you don't even know is.
Searching for help or searching for a connection because who knows, maybe that person you're telling your story to. If you feel comfortable doing so, might have a friend that you don't even know exists that she could say, Hey, can I have my friend call you? Can I have my friend connect with you? Maybe for me it's.
Tell me the name of your podcast. I want to share it with my friend. I know she's been struggling and I don't know the right things to say and so maybe your podcast could help her. So you might be doing that same thing through telling someone about your Infertility diagnosis and you don't have to go into the depths of what you've tried or what worked and didn't work, but maybe just explaining to somebody what infertility is like or that people have infertility.
They might have learned for the first time from you about something that can help somebody else. And lastly. Checking in and just have a check in time with your partner or whomever you're going with and established ahead of time, maybe every 30 minutes, every 15 minutes, you're going to do that check in, be like, Hey, are we, are we good to stay a little bit longer or should we head out and understanding that you don't have to have this long drawn out hours of being somewhere that feels uncomfortable and just knowing that you have that support.
And then lastly, just deciding at the end of the day what went well, what maybe felt a little bit uncomfortable, and do you want to work on that thing that felt uncomfortable? Do you maybe want to practice more times of explaining what's going on with infertility, what it was like, why you don't have kids, and then from there, deciding maybe next time it doesn't have to be that scary.
So I hope that that's really helpful for you, and if this is something that you're wanting to work on a little bit more in your life, I invite you to learn more about the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind, because this is the type of stuff that we work on. I'm coming on here and just sharing this with you for you to listen, but if you could actually be in a community, be amongst people, think of ways or hear ways that other people respond to the question.
Do you have kids? That's the type of stuff that we do in the thrive after infertility mastermind. Or if you do the thrive one on one with me, it is The most powerful way that you can start to create a voice for yourself, because I know how it feels when you go through fertility treatments and you don't know what feels right, or if somebody else has.
Been through your journey and you feel really alone and isolated. When you join Thrive, you'll start to learn that what you're feeling is so normal and it makes you just feel understood. And maybe you've gone through fertility treatments alone and you don't feel like you have anyone that you could actually talk to about how infertility feels and how this journey can feel so isolating and thrive after infertility is the most glorious way that I have found to create a story that makes me feel proud of who I am proud to say that she is childless, not by choice, and I want that for you, too, but wanting that and actually seeking it are two different things, and it may feel like your story is Too sad to recover from or that the type of sadness that you've experienced through your fertility journey, people just don't recover from.
I wanna tell you that that's false because I see women every week share some of the most amazing work that they have done to create this life that just feels easy again and feels like they are in ownership of their life again.
It's available to anybody who's just willing to say yes. I want more of that in my life. So I will leave you with that. I love you. And remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning.
We are nearing 100 episodes of the So Now What Podcast. When I tell you that I never could have imagined that my first podcast, where I bravely told my story for the first time, would end up here.
Almost two years later coming to you almost every week with a new episode and the amount of downloads we've had and the connections that I have made with so many of you that started out listening to the podcast and maybe stumbled upon it on your own. Maybe you were referred by a friend to listen to the podcast, but whatever it is.
I'm asking a huge favor to help me in preparation for the 100th episode of the Sonaweb podcast. Would you rate and review the podcast? I will put a link to that in the show notes so you can just click on the link and go and just give my podcast a rating and if you would just share how this podcast has impacted your journey through fertility treatments and what you get out of the podcast every week. I would so appreciate it because the more readings and reviews we have, the more women like us will find this community and know that they are not alone during this journey. So I thank you so much for helping me prepare for the 100th episode of the podcast.
Now this week, I'm going to talk about something that comes up pretty often. And my thrive after infertility coaching and the mastermind and my one on one coaching. And that is feeling triggered by places that you visit. Maybe it could be going to a doctor's appointment. Maybe you feel triggers in places that you never anticipated that you would feel.
It could be in the parking lot going to the doctor, maybe it could be in your office. If you used to have to go do your shots and you were at work, you might feel this uneasiness in this trigger there. Maybe it's the pharmacy. Maybe you go pick up a prescription if you're like me, I have migraines and I go pick up my prescription and there's times when I remember waiting in line.
For countless hours to get a prescription filled that maybe they didn't have there and then I had to go to another pharmacy. There was even 1 time. I had to drive over an hour to the headquarters of I can't remember if it was CBS or Walgreens because they didn't have the medication I needed. At the pharmacy, and so there are oftentimes where you might walk into a place and not be expectant of feeling triggered by being in that place.
If you haven't done paper thinking in a while, maybe take some time to notice. Where those places are for you, and when you feel something coming up for you when you walk into your OBGYN's office for an unrelated visit, write that stuff down. Where are you, what's coming up for you, the things that just, they seem really heavy and you think that something is wrong with you, that you are still somehow jolted by those locations.
And I want to talk about how normal that is this week. I think that we think something is wrong with us. If we somehow have this emotion wave that comes over us when we're sitting in a parking garage. Think about how many times we drove into that parking garage for a reason related to our fertility journey and the anxiety that sometimes might have entered that parking garage with you because you knew you had to go to a monitoring appointment or you knew you had an ultrasound or you knew you had a transfer.
There are so many things that get sparked in us when we return to these hollows and these hallways where we once had so much connection to our journey of motherhood. So if we allow ourselves to normalize it and say, you know what? It makes sense. Like, of course I'm feeling anxiousness when I'm sitting in the waiting room of a place where I used to sit waiting
to see my doctor and talk about how well things were coming along or when my transfer was going to be. There are so many things that you're not expecting. And can we allow ourselves to experience them? Without judgment? If you're like many of the students that I work with, you might think, what is wrong with me?
This might be the conversation that you have. I can't believe that all this time later, I'm sitting here tearing up waiting and sitting in this chair. What is wrong with me? I'm broken. I'm never going to get over this. You might be thinking that this feeling of stuckness to these locations has to be representational of who you are for the rest of your life.
What if you just considered that this is part of your process? What if maybe every time you walk into your local pharmacy, you have a memory of a flashback and that's okay, but you also take time to recognize. Where you are today after that flashback, where you were then and where you are now.
If you can start to note where those places are, then you can start to have those inter dialogues with yourself and say, okay, I one time felt this, but I'm now on the road to feeling like this when I'm standing here in line. And where are you today? While you're in that line, where are you today when you're pulling in and getting the ticket out of the ticket booth at the parking garage?
How has your life changed? Because I think it's so common and the students that I work with, they're really feeling like they always have to be feeling that way when they drive in that parking garage. Or they don't feel that way, and if they do feel that way, they're not healed.
You're watching me on YouTube. You can see my air quotes. So if you don't feel affected by it, you're healed. But if you feel still some sort of emotion around it, you feel like you're so behind the eight ball, and that you just haven't made enough progress in your life. But what if those things coexist?
And you recall and remember the woman that you were back then, and you recall the effort that you gave to hold it all together. And the fact that you did all those things and you're still here today, like how fricking amazing is that, that you are somebody who is now doing the things that you are doing after having
experienced the things that you felt when you were sitting in that surrounding, or you were in that waiting room, or you were in that hallway. It happened to me recently. I revisited the place. I was. When I got the call from my doctor telling me that my last frozen embryo, my really only frozen embryo at that clinic had been chromosomally tested and it came back with trisomy 16 and on a voicemail, he told me in full disclosure, he's like, you can stop and listen to this message later, but if you want to hear some results of your testing, please continue listening.
So it wasn't like they left it without warning me. But when he left me that news, I just was in the state of limbo. I was hundreds of miles away from home. I was in Minnesota. I was at a work event around people that very few knew what I was going through because I kept my fertility journey such a secret.
And here I got the worst news I ever thought or never thought or prayed I'd never get, get delivered to me. And I happened to be in that same room where I stood just minutes after receiving and listening to that voice message. And I found myself getting emotional, but I also found myself. Stopping to say, look at where you are now, look at the work that you have put in yourself.
Look at how you've changed. Look at how you've grown. And that's no different for you. You have changed. This journey has changed you and you have grown and you have been so powerful to really continue to commit to yourself, to listen to podcasts like this. Is not for someone who doesn't work on themselves and somebody who doesn't strive to have a life that feels better than it did when you were sitting in that experience years ago, or months ago, depending on where you are.
So, can you be proud of who you are for the fact that. You're desiring more for yourself, even if nothing feels like it has physically changed, but just having that desire is something worth celebrating. So I want to recognize that you don't have to always. Avoid, you might be avoiding going certain places and that's fine.
Do it on your own time. You may never find your time to revisit that place, but know that you don't have to avoid visiting that place because you aren't strong enough to handle it. You are absolutely so much more in control. And powerful than you might give yourself credit for. And I know it because your ears are here with me today, or your, if you're watching on YouTube, your eyes are with me today and you wouldn't be here if you weren't somebody who's investing in a future that feels so much better and so much lighter than it did all those months and years and days ago.
So I'll leave you with that. And one last request for you to please rate and review the podcast. Help me celebrate my hundredth podcast with as many years and as many eyes as possible. And know that no matter how hard it seems, your life has so much in store for you than you ever imagined possible.
So have a beautiful week. I love you. And remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
About six or so months ago, one of my girlfriends that I met in first grade, and we don't keep in touch. Like regularly, but when we do keep in touch, it's like time hasn't passed and she reached out about six months ago to see if I wanted to do a mud run and being the person who comes on this podcast every week and gives you ways that you can become more involved and meet new people and do new things.
I do the same thing. I say yes to things I haven't done before. And I thought, Hey, let's add this to the list. So it was my girlfriend from growing up and then friends of hers that I hadn't met.
And so it was really fun, not only to do this mud run together, but to meet new people and enjoy a morning and an afternoon creating new friendships. So I do practice everything that I preached to you here on the so now a podcast. One of the things that I really took away from the mud run, there's actually a couple of things I'm going to talk about. If you watch or you subscribe to my YouTube channel. You might have seen the post about the mud run. I was covered in mud talking to you and reflecting on what a beautiful day it was. So if you haven't watched that, go to my YouTube channel, Lana dot Manitowsky, check it out and watch it there.
And then I'll piggyback on that for this week's episode of the podcast. This was an event only for women. There were all ages, sizes, races. I felt like the energy was so high. There was this awesome DJ.
So much energy people like in team shirts and outfits. We wore pink tutus and had tank tops, made for the run. Everyone was super festive and the race, it was actually a obstacle course race, so there were parts where you were like literally hip high in mud and then you had to climb up this mud mound and then get down the other side and there were women helping each other out like no tomorrow.
Women on their own teams, but then I would help someone. And then the person behind me would happen when I would go over and it was just like really awesome to see. And also, like, there were times when there was no one there and I needed a little help. And I was like, Hey, girl, can you help me out?
And there was just like, so much energy and camaraderie watching Hundreds of women work together and do this mud run together. So I first wanted to just tell you how beautiful it was to see and notice that, especially in a world where we often hear about how people are so siloed and not interacting with each other.
I was able to just feel so energized being part of that environment at the mud run. And what I want to talk about today on the podcast really came to me on the final obstacle of the run. I believe there were 17 obstacles and the final 1 was a challenging obstacle. There were these, think of seatbelt material, kind of like crisscrossed and then you had to climb up this.
Wall essentially, where you're like, legs could like, easily fall through your arms could fall through and then you get to the top and then you hit the summit and go across. So you're looking down and the earth is below you and there's just these, like, straps basically there to hold you.
Then when you got to the end, you would go down and you'd be, basically at the end of the race. So it was challenging and it took some skill. So it wasn't like people were like flying through there. So there was like a backlog of people waiting to go and take their turn up.
So then they can go to the finish line and they timed it. So. They would put you in heats of going. So it wasn't like everyone was like a free for all., they would, line everyone up and then they would say, go and then they'd wait for everyone to basically summit and go down the other side and before they had the next group going.
So I got there and everyone was kind of like, lined, lined up waiting. 1 single person left and she was about to hit that summit that went over and she was just there and like frozen. I wasn't up there yet. So, don't know how it felt, but, it clearly was a challenging obstacle.
She had a friend who was on the other side of the summit, trying to, like, talk her through it, I couldn't necessarily hear her, but you could hear her, like, trying to encourage her to go. And then the crowd started cheering. And if she made like a little move, people would be like screaming for her and cheering for her and clapping.
And she just was frozen. She made a little bit of a move and then she was just like idle. And then. A woman went up and was trying to like coach her and help her through and talk to her. Were behind waiting to go up, we could only see her back and back of her legs and she was shaking. There was, a couple of times where the crowd cheered, and I was thinking to myself, I so want her to finish. I want like her to be courageous and go and do it, even though she's like scared anyway. I wanted her to do it. And then when she came down, she decided that she, it wasn't for her. She got to the ground and she just like, went running in the opposite direction. And you could tell she had been crying. And then I was like, Oh my God, I feel so sorry for her. And then I'm sitting there thinking, and I'm like, Wait, this woman just decided this was not in alignment with her.
Summiting this thing and the climbing and the whatever was going on through her mind.. She was not in alignment with that thing. And why am I feeling sorry for somebody who was listening to herself and to her needs and what she knew she was capable of at that moment. That doesn't mean that she couldn't try it again and who knows what she's been through, but in that moment, she was listening to herself and she knew that that just was not for her.
It got me really thinking about stopping IVF or stopping treatments, because I can't tell you the amount of women I have worked with who I have talked about making that decision to stop and how hard that decision is and how you second guess yourself and ask, what if that next time that I would have said yes to would have been my time. It really made me take a opportunity to stop and revisit that for myself. Even though the doctor told me it probably wasn't going to be a better outcome if I did my next round of IVF. There were times that I was like, what if, and so watching her stop, when her body was telling her this is it, like, this doesn't feel right for you. This isn't what you want. You don't feel called to cross this line in this summit. So listen to yourself and what if that's what we did, imagine that you could still feel proud of yourself. We had just completed 16 other obstacles, there was some pretty intense moments in that obstacle course. That she finished. She got to this final obstacle and because she turned back and decided that that wasn't what she wanted to do; she still has 16 other things that she fricking slayed that she did to get to that point. Imagine that being us in our journey and all the things that we tried to become pregnant - the treatments and the acupunctures and Reiki's and the prayers and the everything's that we did.
Are we saying those weren't things to be proud of and things that we overcame and showed up being brave and. In alignment with ourselves at that point, and then when this final opportunity comes to say, I'm done and my treatments are over, are we going to allow ourselves to believe that we can't be proud of who we are for what we've done to get to that point, but also proud that we're listening to ourselves. There's not enough.
Focus and not enough conversation around how important it is to respect your needs as a woman and respect your needs as a woman with infertility on this journey, because none of it feels great. Okay, none of it is exciting to do a cycle and none of it's like, oh, my gosh, that was the best thing in my life.
But when we've gone through these things multiple times, and we know that we are just at a point where we're like, listen, it's too much. Either my body doesn't, it doesn't feel right. My body, my body just can't take anymore. Or maybe it's emotionally. You can't take anymore and the ups and the downs and the preparing for the next phone call that this cycle wasn't successful or that your frozen embryos are not viable and not available to be implanted. there's so many things that don't feel good to us. So we know. We may think that we don't know, but our body tells us when enough is enough. And I just wanted to represent or recognize that this week, and she was a representation, her saying no. And her being in alignment with herself and choosing not to finish the race and not getting the metal that said mud girl run is not as important as her saying, you know what?
This isn't for me. And that's what I want us to be able to look at in our journeys and feel really fricking good that we said no, when enough was enough for us. Not like it's a easy thing. Maybe it was for you. It wasn't for me, but I think we innately know when our journey has come to an end and we are at that point and for the women that are listening to this, that maybe are still going through treatments, listen to yourself.
All I want to say. It's not going to be an easy decision when you decide that your journey to seeking motherhood is finished. But know that if you're disappointed, you don't have to be disappointed forever. And I think that's the narrative that so many of us don't hear. We think that we have to live the rest of our lives feeling disappointed that we didn't summit that final obstacle in our fertility journey that would potentially have then resulted in a child.
We don't know. What if you did four more rounds? There's no saying there are no guarantees what would have worked. So why don't we just decide that when we tried all that we thought we could, and we listened to our bodies and we say, you know what, this is it. Can we say, I'm going to be disappointed.
But at some point in my life, I want to be proud of myself for listening to what I needed at that time. So that's what I have for you this week. And it's something that I really want you to think about and maybe reconsider what you've been telling yourself about stopping your journey. And we can even elongate that into choosing not to do an egg donor or choosing not to adopt.
Can you be proud of yourself? That you knew that those things weren't right for you and that they were not what you envisioned your journey to or your definition of motherhood or having a child would be. And that's it for some people that works for them, that for some people that's in alignment with them.
For some people that's what they were seeking. But if it's not what you were seeking, it is okay. And you can be so proud of yourself. For knowing that and not adopting because you think it's the right thing to do, because that's what people expect of you or doing an egg donor because your partner thought it was a good idea, or you thought that that was something that you had to do in order to prove.
That you would stop at nothing, it wasn't in alignment with who you are. So I'm going to leave you with that and just tell you that you are so amazing and you don't have to summit. The mountain or finish the last obstacle to be worthy and respected and admired in my book, because I really admire that woman who decided to stop there.
And so much so that I'm talking about her on my podcast. I wish I knew her name. I wish I could tell her how proud I am and in admiration of her for listening to herself and her needs. So have a beautiful week. I love you. And remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning and I'll talk to you next week.
I am so excited to have you here again for another week of the podcast. I just can't tell you how overjoyed I am to know that my story of becoming childless, not by choice and my journey of navigating my path to childlessness has allowed me an opportunity to connect with you every week.
I got the most beautiful direct message on Instagram from a new listener of the podcast this week. There's so many mornings I wake up and when I look at my, my messages on my inbox, I'm motivated to do so much more because of the people that reach out and tell me that they stumbled upon the podcast and it's just what they've been waiting for.
It's allowing them to feel connected. So for the person who sent me a message on Monday, thanking me for creating the podcast and being brave enough to tell my story, I want to tell you, thank you for listening to my story and feeling brave enough to say yes to want to learn how to love your life after infertility leaves you childless, not by choice.
So if you have listened to the podcast and you have not yet reviewed it, I'm going to ask you to please help me out. This podcast is going to turn two in September. If you could do me the hugest favor ever. Could you please rate and review the podcast? No matter where you listen to the podcast, even if you're watching it on YouTube, if you could forward it to somebody or give me a thumbs up?? What it will do is these algorithm gods that pay attention to all this stuff.
The more there is interaction and more reviews and ratings that we have of the podcast, the more likely somebody who is searching for this message will find it. When they search infertility, there's a higher chance that they will come across. This podcast and my goal is to help every woman realize that she can thrive and feel fulfilled without the children
she always dreamed that she would have. If you do rate and review the podcast, if you could just screenshot it, send it to me, I would love to send you an other's day tank top. I don't know if you can see mine. I have mine on today. I will send you a free tank top from our in person event of the 2023 others day.
So please help me out, help me build more awareness and help me welcome in the second year of the podcast, which will be coming in September. Okay. Now that we got that out of the way, I am going to talk about a topic that is really hot in our community. I was recently on a girl's weekend and I did a live while I was in Siesta Key, Florida talking about saying yes to traveling, saying yes to making plans, committing to things.
And there are so many people that responded and reached out after my live to say, I feel that same way. I want to start doing things again. I want to say yes to girls weekends and cruises and family vacations that are being planned months ahead of time. Let's talk a little bit about why that might be a hard thing for us. 📍
Why people you see around you all the time saying, yes, planning, committing to things. And you might feel like I'm not there yet. You don't know why. I'm going to take you through a bit of a coaching session I did with one of my students this week who was kind of feeling that same way. So let's first talk about that.
Why is it that we're finding it hard to commit to plans? Even if it's two weeks away on a Saturday, what is it that's coming up for us? You might find that you've spent a lot of time during your fertility journey thing, no to things because you weren't sure where you were going to be in your cycle.
Maybe you thought, what if I'm in the midst of a cycle and I've got to go to my monitoring appointments and I'm going to buy a ticket to. This weekend away with my college friends, and what if I have to cancel? So that was what I was working on with my student this week. She has a class reunion coming up,, with her sorority sisters and they are planning this amazing trip.
They're going to wine country. They're going to do this long weekend kind of thing. And she really wants to go, but she's finding herself not wanting to , buy the ticket. And put the down payment, you know, for the rooms and all that. So we talked about like, Why do you want to go understanding, like, why don't you want to go and really paying attention to what is coming up?
What is it that in this point in your journey, you're not in fertility treatments anymore. You don't have to worry about being in the midst of a cycle. You don't have to worry that you potentially might be pregnant or be a mom already. So what, what is it that's coming up when your girlfriends send that text message and say, Hey, Let's get together.
It's been 15 years since we finished college. It's been 20 years since we've seen each other or something like that. Maybe you're just in the habit. Of saying no, and if you're in the habit of saying no, that is not a problem, but listen to yourself for the reasons why you're saying no. Maybe it looks something like they all have kids.
Maybe it looks something like, what if somebody asks me what's going on with my fertility journey? What if there's an opportunity for bonding for example, the woman I was coaching this week, she was so close with her sorority sisters and they shared everything.
And what if somebody starts asking about why she's not a mom or how things ended up with IVF or if she's going to adopt and she was really nervous about having those intimate conversations. First allow yourself to tell you why you don't want to say yes. I think we automatically just say, I feel like I'm missing out.
I'm going to have FOMO and for some reason, I don't know why I don't want to say yes. So what's coming up. Listen. Your mind is so ready to tell you what you want to know, but we just don't allow ourselves to ask those questions. We just go to the quick answer of no and we don't understand why no is coming up for us.
So my advice to you would be do some paper thinking, what's coming up. There might be multiple things. Maybe you don't know who's going to watch your dog. Maybe you're worried about telling your partner, your spouse, that you're going away for a weekend because you're so used to being together and being each other's support system.
So just listen. Don't tell yourself that anything's wrong for the way you're feeling, but just get curious about what's coming up and then understand what it is you might be seeking in going in this trip. Maybe it is that you're really wanting to reconnect with people that you felt so out of touch with.
Maybe there's friends and friendships there. That really feel good to kind of reintroduce at this point in your life. Understand, what are the things that make you want to go? What are the things that are telling you don't want to go and how can you overcome that? The way that we can overcome it, this is an exercise I worked on in my coaching session was to decide what answers. Do you want to have ready? You don't want to feel rattled when somebody says, Hey, I know you might not want to talk about it, or you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but curious, are you planning to adopt?
And what answer do you want to have ready? I think a lot of us get scared to be put in these circumstances where we might be uncomfortable by question about questions, but we haven't decided what our answer is going to be. The most mind blowing thing about it is you can choose any answer you want to choose.
Maybe you don't have to get into the nitty gritty of why you chose not to adopt or why egg donor wasn't a right decision for you. And if you choose. Not to have a response that you think that they're wanting to hear. Can you like in a response that you've chosen to come up with better? That is where this work is, this coaching that I do and these classes that I hold with my students, I help them decide what is the story you want to tell?
What is it that you want to divulge? Is divulging that you didn't want to adopt something that you're embarrassed about? Maybe you're really embarrassed to tell your friends who have kids and tell you that, motherhood is so good. And it's so fun and all this stuff. And for you to publicly admit to them that that just wasn't.
Where you wanted to go with your motherhood journey. Can you decide that there's nothing to be embarrassed about, and can you be proud of yourself for respecting what was right for you and what felt good to you on your journey and on your path during your fertility treatments? And if ending up childless, not by choice.
Is a choice. Can you allow yourself to like your choice? And that is the mind blowing stuff. Like, how do you decide that you can like your choice to not adopt or not get an egg donor or to end your cycles and end your journey there? And that's the part about being childless, not by choice is you actually did create choice for yourself.
Maybe take ownership and say, you know what, I had a choice and I chose the answer that was right for me I chose the path that felt most in alignment with who I am. So when you think about saying yes to things and saying yes to plans.
Can you allow yourself to say, Hey, listen, my start and stop of my life, my halt that I felt on my life is no longer necessary. I don't have to carry that I know that I don't have to carry that weight around, what is it that I want to do with my time. Do I want to say yes to this long weekend in Colorado? Do I want to say yes to this college reunion in California? And if it's a matter of understanding that you might feel a little bit uncomfortable, can you say yes anyway and practice how it is you want to respond to things and how you can prepare yourself?
For the times when they might be talking about their kids and things that you just don't feel like you have a connection to or much in common with, is it possible for you to create tools, an armory of canned responses, an armory of things that you want to believe about yourself or statements that you want to continue to recite to yourself when you're feeling as though you're not connected.
That's all the glorious stuff that I help my students do because they want to feel connected. They want to travel again. They want to say yes to the family cruise, the girls weekends, romantic getaways with the partner. I mean, there's a million and one things that we have been accustomed to saying no to for way too long.
And when you allow yourself to bring more of that back into your life, you'll start to decide, like I can do anything I want and I can prepare for it ahead of time. And the more I do it, I bet you, I probably won't have to be as prepared because I will have lived those moments that I've been fearing about going away.
I can decide that I don't have to worry about showing up for monitoring appointments anymore and my schedule can be mine again. If you are feeling like you need a little bit of help with this. And maybe a little bit of like deciding where this freedom can come from, I'm going to do a live all about this this week.
If you miss the live, I'm sure I'll have it on replay. Check, Instagram, YouTube and maybe even my Facebook page, but whatever it is, allow yourself to start saying yes again. To start bringing in these things that you know, you're yearning for, but they just might feel a little bit scary for you.
So if you need any help, you know where to find me. Have a beautiful week. I love you. And remember it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
If you don't know about my journey through IVF, you probably don't know that I started my treatment locally where I live in Chicago.
And after I went through IUIs and IVFs without success getting pregnant. I took some time off. I took a break and one of my very closest girlfriends was going to Colorado in seeking treatment at a clinic out there. At that point, to be quite honest, I wasn't sure I was ready to start my IVF journey again.
I was really at a crossroads after going through the IUIs and the IVFs and all the emotional turmoil. I really was not sure I was ready to say yes to IVF again. It was Through my girlfriend to encourage me, like this place is different, the doctors, the vibe, the protocols, all that is so different than what you went through in Chicago, at least make a consult call, talk to someone at the clinic and go from there. It was because of her that I decided to seek my treatment again in Colorado. So being in Colorado this past week, there was a lot for us to experience together because if you aren't familiar with the way things go when you seek treatment out of your local area, I would do the early parts of my priming and my stem cycles in Chicago, I would go through my monitoring appointments in the early parts of my treatment here in Chicago and then when it looked like I was responding and my follicle count was growing and my levels were increasing, then I would get on an airplane, fly out to Colorado. Stay in a hotel for the remainder of my stem cycle until it was time for a retrieval.
Sometimes it was 7 or 8 days that we would be out there; paying for a hotel, a lot of the treatment was out of pocket because I just didn't have insurance coverage. My lifetime max was $10,500, so it was a huge financial investment for me to say yes to this clinic in Colorado.
And on top of that include the airfare, hotels and food while we were there, I had to take PTO because I wasn't eligible for time off for seeking treatments outside of my local area. So going back to Colorado was an interesting thing for us because we spent a lot of time in the Denver area and because we were there for multiple days, we would always try to find some adventure to get into, go for a scenic drive, go check out something new and we were just in Colorado Springs.
Which I remember one of my cycles. We drove down to Colorado Springs for the day, but to actually stay there and experience all the beauty that is there is just amazing. So we had this beautiful view.
We chose to stay at this hotel that had a view of the garden of the gods. The place we stayed was very health focused, there was a spa that had a health club and you could go for classes every day.
So I chose to work out every day and go to the classes and this morning we went to this stretching class together, and the woman who led the class started out the class was something that just hit me so hard. And I wanted to really talk about this topic on the podcast this week. She started out the class by asking, what if today is the best day of your life? I'll think about that. What if today is the best day of your life? I was sitting there thinking, what does that really mean? What if today is the best day of your life? What are we waiting for to happen for today to be the best day of our life?
I really wanted to peel back those questions a little bit because it marinated with me throughout the whole class and throughout my travels back to Chicago tonight and I was thinking, what is it that we are waiting for in order for us to say today is the best day of our life, and maybe it doesn't even have to be the best day.
What if today is a great day? Let's start there, because I know for many of us, we thought the best day of our life was going to be the day that we became a mom, and that's not in our cards. That's not in our future. So at what point are we going to decide that we can have our best days again?
If you're like me for many, many months after I found out that I couldn't become a mom, I didn't know that I'd have a best day again. I didn't know that that was possible for women who wanted to be moms and they couldn't. And yes, I still get emotional about that, and I still feel such a closeness to that emotion, but I've also decided that I want to have great days again.
I want to have more best days of my life and best years of my life. And I don't want to give that up just because I couldn't become a mom. So I want you to think if it's possible for you to even consider that you're ready to have the best day of your life again? Can you reset your expectations of what your best day might look like?
If we can take out of our equation, the need for being a mother or the need for having children to create the best days of our lives, if we can just take that out, even just for this exercise I'm offering you this week, can you reset your expectations of what a best day might look like for you, knowing that you're not going to be a mom, knowing that you're childless, not by choice, can you think of some things that would happen or some things that you would create for yourself that would offer you an opportunity to think that today is the best day. Maybe it doesn't have to supersede something that's happened in your in your past. Maybe your wedding day is always going to be the best day of your life. And that's great. We're not telling you that in order to have another good day, it's got to supersede everything in your past.
But let's just think about all the great days that we want to have. What would be in that day? What might you be thinking or what might you be feeling? Or doing or believing about yourself in order to really sit into your best days being here, being in this body that you're in right now, whether you're listening in your car while you're driving, or maybe you're listening to me and watching me on YouTube, think, like, why today on the calendar, whatever day it is on the calendar, why is it that you're allowing yourself to believe that there is no best day today? What is it that is coming up in your life, what are the things that maybe you're engaging in or not feeling fulfilled in, which is not a problem.
I mean, no judgment that you might not feel like today can be your best day, but let's think about why today can't be your best day. Is it something that's going on around you? Is it maybe something that you're thinking about yourself or about your life? Or about your opportunity that is ahead of you that is keeping you feeling that there is no best day ahead.
If maybe just for this next 10 minutes, imagine what you would be doing in order for today to be your best day. Maybe you don't even have to do anything differently, but the most. Beautiful opportunity. I can offer you is what can you be thinking about yourself in your story in order to believe that today is your best day?
Because for so long, we really lost hope that this was as good as it was going to get and your best days, you might believe. I know I did. I believe that they were behind me and I thought, yeah, I'm going to move forward. Yeah, I'm still going to have a job that pays me well and a husband that loves me and a family that is supportive, like all these things that I think are really important for us to embrace and, and to recognize, and I thought I'm a bad human I am if I don't appreciate that as being enough, but I realized like I was short changing myself and I don't want you to short change yourself any longer. I want you to know that your best days can be multiple. They don't have to be just one singular event that you need to look forward to the rest of your life.
And how can you start creating your best days today? If it's something that you think you want more of, I want to invite you to join me in Thrive After Infertility. Thrive After Infertility will help you create a roadmap for your best days. And I know it because I'm teaching my students all the tools that I used to create my journey of Best days, multiple of them, and I know I have every inch of my body knows that they're plentiful.
I don't think that they're scarce. I know that the way that I see my life and the way that I'm choosing to believe about myself being childless, not by choice. I know my best days are so plentiful and so exciting that I can't wait to see what's ahead. And if you're feeling like you're not sure how to get there.
All I can tell you is that the students that I've worked with and watching them grow and watching them create their own best days, their ideas of things that they didn't think were possible. Maybe they didn't even think they were able to achieve. So they didn't even want to take themselves to tap into that part of their life.
Let me tell you, I am watching these students of mine go on to do such amazing things. Without changing much beyond their perspective about who they are as a women without children and what's possible for them without children. So thrive after infertility is. Such a beautiful tool that I invite you to be part of. I have a wait list right now. If you want to get on the wait list, please go to lanamanikowski.com/thrive. You should be able to put yourself on the wait list there. You can find me on Instagram or email me. And. I'll send you just some information about the program, but it's so important for me to let you know that this exists because for so long, I didn't know that today could be my best day and leaving Colorado for the first time with Jack, where it wasn't part of my fertility journey.
There was such this hope that I didn't have to become a mom to have more best days. I want you to know that your best days are waiting for you, you might not see it right now. You might think that best days are reserved for people whose story didn't sound like your story sounded, or maybe people who didn't have to go through the, the trauma that you went through during your fertility journey.
And I'm going to tell you. That that's false and I know it because I see people grow stories and heartaches and desperations through their journey that They have been able to grow from and create beauty from. So I wish that for everyone that I know, and that's why I got my certification in life coaching.
And that's why I started my coaching practice and reinstated this zest for life because I know that my best days we're not behind me and I know your best days are still waiting for you. So I love you. I hope you have a beautiful week and remember it is never too late to discover your meaning.
I'll talk to you next week.
This podcast is gonna be coming out on July 4th and in the United States that is Independence Day. And what I really wanna talk about is feeling independent or free through your fertility journey and maybe the years that have followed since.
So, in full disclosure, I recorded a different episode yesterday. I had my hair and makeup done. I looked glorious. And then when I went to go edit the podcast, I realized that I had my microphone. On mute. So if you're watching me on YouTube, this is me, fresh outta bed, no makeup, just a little bit of moisturizer.
If you are listening in and you didn't know that I have a YouTube channel, um, please subscribe to it. It's Lana dot Mankowski the YouTube channel's a little bit different than if you listen to the podcast on audio only. It's a little less edited, maybe some more outtakes than you might hear on the podcast. But either way, if you have an opportunity to subscribe to the YouTube channel and you're watching this on YouTube, thank you so much.
If you, um, have a friend that you think would like to listen or watch, please send them the podcast or my YouTube channel to subscribe. So independence Day, I'm not gonna talk about Independence Day in the United States, but just this sense of feeling independence after your fertility journey ends and you realize that you're not gonna be a mom.
There is a really common thing that I work on with my students, where they're feeling very, almost like stuck. Because for so long they were in this waiting pattern, and maybe you feel that like maybe you know what it feels like to be in this holding pattern of trying to figure out what your life's gonna be.
Maybe in the short term it's trying to figure out if you can say yes to a girls' weekend or get tickets to a concert. Maybe in the long term it's deciding where you want to purchase your next place of living, whether you wanna get a house with four bedrooms or stay in an apartment with two. There's a lot of the fertility journey that.
As us not feeling like we are independent and that we are free to live life the way that we want to. So let's think about how we can pay attention to that and maybe start to regain some of our independence back now that our journey has ended and we know that we're not gonna be parents, we know that egg donor wasn't right for us.
We know that adoption isn't the thing that we were seeking. So if we want to start to feel like we're living again and feeling independent again, we can start by doing a couple things that I'm gonna talk about and teach you about. I also talk about this a lot in my Thrive After Infertility Mastermind is listening to your brain and not trying to change the way that you think right away.
Or change the way that you thought things were going to be or should have been, but just listening in, paying attention, telling yourself, I'm not gonna judge you, but I just wanna hear what comes up for you when I think about feeling captive in my story, or I feel captive in making a decision on what I want to do next.
Before I get into that, like I just want to really normalize the fact that many people feel captive. It's nothing wrong with you or nothing that that is unique to you. It's that for so long we were on a plan to become parents, to become a mom, to get pregnant, to go through a cycle, to follow a protocol.
So for a long time, by choice, we were following this protocol. We knew what we had to do next. We knew a waiting period. Whether it was, a two week wait or whether it was waiting for your next period to start or waiting for your medication to get in and knowing what day you were supposed to start your medication.
There were so many parts of our fertility journey that we didn't need to be independent because we had the support of our fertility clinics. We have the support of our I V F nurses. We have this time trial of sorts that we knew, a general sketch of how long it would take until our next cycle started.
Okay. So I just wanted to take an opportunity to say that if you're feeling like something's wrong with you, that you just don't feel independence in your own life. That is so normal. I work on that all the time with my students and thrive. What I'd love to offer you is doing paper thinking. You all know if you've listened to me for a while, that to me, listening to your brain, not changing what it's telling you, but just paying attention to what it's telling you and maybe jotting it down is probably the most effective form of starting to create difference in your life, not change.
Maybe I would even say to create awareness in your life because when we are aware of why we're feeling as though we are not able to make a decision or say yes to a vacation or go on a cruise with our family, even though we know that our journey has ended, let's pay attention to what our brain is telling us, and maybe our brain is telling us that.
It's scary. Maybe our brain is telling us that having this freedom again means that our journey through fertility treatments and our journey to motherhood is over. And when we hear that it feels scary because it's almost like this rag that like slaps you in the face to say Hey,
it's up to you now. And we may think that that should feel easy and that should feel freeing, but for you, it might just be a reminder that what you wanted so badly is not available to you and things are gonna look different for you. So take some time to pay attention to what are the things that are coming up when you feel like you don't have authority in your life, or this independence, or this freedom or a desire to feel that way.
Okay. And then when you understand what it is that's going on for you. Understand do you wanna take some independence back in your life? Do you want to be somebody who takes authority back in their life? And my guess is you probably do, but There is a lot to unravel to get there, and so the paper thinking will allow you to, to pay attention to maybe what scenarios are coming up for you, where you feel like really stuck in making a decision that you think should be so easy to make and you think, my gosh, like, why is it so hard for me to decide if I want
to go and book a vacation with my husband, or why is it so hard to decide if I wanna get theater tickets with my mom and my sister? Your mind, is just really used to being on hold with a lot of things. And so if you've decided that you want to try to start taking that independence in your life again and taking.
Steps to feeling like you want to be in control of your future again. Then maybe pick a couple things that you noticed were hard for you to decide to say yes to, or maybe some things that you've been wanting to do and you've just been finding yourself not saying. All right, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna book this.
I'm gonna call this person and make plans. I'm gonna sign up for this class. I'm going to start working out again. I mean, there's 1,000,001 things that might have come up in your brain that you've been wanting to do and you just haven't said yes to. And I don't want you to pick all of them. Maybe just pick one item at a time, one thing at a time, and start.
To work on saying yes to that thing and understand, why do you want to say yes? Why do you wanna go to the theater with your mom and your sister? Maybe it's that you wanna start bonding with them again. Maybe it's that you wanna start creating activities that enrich you, or maybe you're somebody who loved musicals and you haven't gone seen a musical for so long and you know that that will bring joy to you.
Maybe if you understand why you haven't booked a vacation, maybe you and your partner have been wanting to go do something fun for so long and you just find yourself talking yourself out of it. Understand. If you went on that getaway, what would that do for you?
What would it do for your relationship? What are some things that you could dream about experiencing when you and your partner say yes to this long weekend or this road trip. It's really a good place to start to gain your independence in your life back and maybe in the activities that you wanna partake to understand where you're feeling stuck, when you're finding yourself saying, no, what types of things are they? Are they picking out groceries at the grocery store or are they like saying yes to things that are like more commitment date on the books. I'm doing this on this certain date. And my guess is it's probably the latter. It's probably committing to something that is concrete, something that you have to say yes to ahead of time.
Buy tickets for, Coordinate with other people, like something that's not easy for you to back out of. I'm guessing that's it cuz that's commonly when I'm working with my students, that's where they're finding themselves getting stuck. So understanding that and then picking a couple easy things. Maybe it's not booking a month long sabbatical in the mountains of man Montana.
Maybe it's just saying yes to a weekend jaunt. Or maybe yes to a, a girl's weekend somewhere or something that you can just dip your toe in the water a little bit. And when you say yes, you'll start to say, wow. Like, these are the things that I want to start doing again now that I know my journey is over and I know that I'm not gonna be a mom.
I wanna start experiencing these things that give me so much fun and so much joy, listen to yourself and not judge yourself and not tell yourself, like it shouldn't be so hard for me to make these decisions. Just come at yourself from a place of grace. So I hope that helps you this week and in anticipation of Independence Day, you can start to create more independence in your life.
And if you have yet to download the Guide to Loving Your Life again, it is a free resource that I created. I talk about it every once in a while and I feel like I don't talk about it enough cuz the people that have downloaded it and reached out to me have found so much movement. By just taking themselves through the exercises I offer in the guide.
So you can download it at lana mankowski.com/guide. If you follow me on Instagram at lana dot mankowski, the link to download it is in my bio, but whatever it is, know that you can love your life. Again, you can feel independent again. You can thrive again. You can be excited about your future again, if you are newly out of treatments, it might not be your time yet to reach that.
But if you've been listening to me for a while, if you have listened to multiple episodes of this podcast and you hear things resonating with you, and you think to yourself , you know, I'm good, but. I'm okay with just being good. Cuz I don't know that my life will ever be great. I want you to just stop that talk, listen to yourself and know that good is not good enough for you.
You deserve great. You deserve a life that just feels so magnificent. And I know that I try to talk myself in for so long to just like feeling, okay, my life's good. So, I'm in a loving relationship. I make good money. I have family and friends nearby and you know, that'll get me through. And when I realized how fabulous life could be, again, I get so disappointed for letting so much time go by that I didn't want more for myself or that I talked myself out of my desire to want more.
So, Don't be one of those people. Don't be Lana two years ago who just thought average was okay and that this was as good as it was gonna get. And if you're interested in doing something more to create a life where you can thrive and feel fulfilled, I invite you to join Thrive after infertility. It is the most transformative
path you can take yourself on and to watch the many students that I have coached and continue to work with and the women that have said yes to themselves to see how magical and to be able to watch them grow and continue to flourish and find their independence is.
My greatest achievement, to be able to have worked on that for me and want others to have it for themselves. So have a beautiful week. I love you. And remember, it is never too late to discover your meeting. I'll talk to you next week.
I wanted to tell you about a resource that I have available that is free for you. Anyone who is looking to love their life again and feel as though they wake up every day feeling connected to who they are and feeling more connected to this new reality of maybe being childless, not by choice or navigating the feelings that come along with realizing that motherhood just might not be in the cards for you.
I created The Guide to Loving Your Life Again. It's about a three page free workbook. That helped me a lot, and I've used a lot of these methods with some of my students to really start realizing how to start loving your life again because what we're gonna talk about in this week's podcast is feeling more in alignment with yourself again, and a lot of that is recognizing that life might not feel as good as you want it to feel right now, and there's nothing wrong with you if that is the case with you, because life has changed for us in many significant ways that we didn't anticipate. So the Guide to Loving Your Life again, if you wanna download it, you can go to lana mankowski.com/guide, it's there to download. Also on Instagram into my buy own Instagram, you'll be able to download the guide there. I really encourage you to download the guide and pay attention to some of the questions that I ask in the guide or some of the affirmations that you can start practicing.
If you haven't used affirmations before, I find affirmations most helpful as quick reminders throughout the day. Affirmations sometimes work well if you put a post-it somewhere in your notebook, if you keep a journal sometimes on your mirror. I do that, I have post-its on my mirror or in front of my window by my office so that when I'm here on my computer, I can look in front of me and there's a bunch of post-its with just reminders that I wanna have for myself. And then I offer you some thoughts that you might want to bring into your life more and some new things that you wanna practice thinking about yourself and believing about yourself as a woman without children.
So the Guide to Loving Your Life again is one of the best resources that you can find. And it's free. I don't wanna charge for it. I don't want anyone to pay me money to learn how to start loving their life again, cuz I think that is something that is due to us. Just by being human, and that's why I wanna talk about feeling in alignment with yourself this week.
So this past weekend, I went to go see one of my biggest teachers and a mentor in the teachings that I teach. Esther Hicks, also known, known as Abraham Hicks, was speaking here in Chicago this weekend, and I went to go listen to her. It was about a four and a half, five hour seminar that was. Just what my soul was wanting to hear and wanting to learn more about because I am so attracted to this message of living, your truest version of you and many of us who went through fertility treatments and didn't end up becoming moms adopt this idea that life will be okay or be good, but never be great again because it will never feel complete again. Listening to Abraham Hicks for all the years that I've been listening to her, I listen to her YouTube channel. Oftentimes when I'm driving, I'll pipe it through my Bluetooth, listening to how to become more calibrated or more in alignment with yourself and with the people around you is something that I'm just so interested in incorporating more into my life because I really think that's what allows us to be the truest version of ourselves. So let me tell you a little bit about what that looks like.
So whenever we think about ourselves and this vessel that we are in, is it possible to innately trust that your inner being, the soul part of you, the part that you can't see, but just these feelings and these emotions inside are always calibrating to feel good, to attract the goodness, attract the positive, want to love. Is it possible to just close your eyes and imagine how you feel when you are calibrated and you're feeling at peace, you're feeling proud of who you are, you're feeling love, just radiating for your body, from your body. Imagine how that feels and consider that that is the way that you were created to feel all the time, every day that in your resting place and in your day-to-day, just version of you that is genuinely you and who you are, that that is the intention for how you were created to feel. And that might feel like a stretch right now, and that's okay. But know that that is your, Your resting place.
You know, they talk about the resting heart rate. Imagine if that's like just your resting place of being you, and any time things come out into your, your universe or within your vortex around you or in your surroundings, that disrupt that feeling, that is an indicator of your inner desired person, of who you are or feeling or being of who you are, telling you that it doesn't feel good because it's not in alignment with who you are.
Okay? So think about that a little bit. You're designed to be this person that is just at peace and in harmony and wanting to love others, wanting to love yourself. Wanting to love your life like that is the place that you feel most at home with those feelings. And when things around you are triggering to you or ruffling feathers, or not in alignment with you, that is yourself telling you like, pay attention to this thing.
Why is it not matching up with who I truly am and who I truly desire to be? And then, Just pause and pay attention. Why is something bothering you right now? Why is something making you sad? Why is this person aggravating you or hurting your feelings? And just pay attention? That's a good time to pause and if you are a paper thinker, or even if you wanna write something down in the notes section of your phone and just pay attention to it and decide that.
That doesn't have to be in misalignment with you. Maybe there's something about that circumstance that is changeable. Maybe you're automatically going to thinking that that's not right. That's annoying. That person doesn't have the best intentions for me. That person's judging me Like all these things.
What if you allowed, all those things that are outside of you to just be and decide that you don't have to bring them into your vortex, into your inner being of wanting to, to feel peace and solace. Now, you don't have to go and figure out how to do that right now, but can you just say that it is possible to do that, or I'm interested in figuring out how to
attract more of what brings me this inner peace or this inner joy or this inner love for myself. Two things that I like to talk about are like noticing where you are when you feel out of alignment, or who you're around or what you're experiencing. So noticing and then just normalizing it, not judging it, just saying, okay, like.
I notice it, it makes sense that if somebody asks me, if I've thought about adoption, I would be triggered by that or be hurt by that, or annoyed by that and just notice it and just normalize it and just say, you know what? It makes sense. I get it. But realizing that you don't have to always feel that way, that you don't want to always feel that way, like, let's put it that way, that.
You know that you don't want to be triggered by that, or you don't want to believe that your life is always gonna be at 80%. And then understanding that there is a desire within you that wants to feel differently from that. And just normalizing that. Yeah, it makes sense that I feel that way.
And just bringing it to your awareness or steps two, starting to build this life that you can love again, and that you feel more in alignment with who you are, more in alignment with who you are intended to be and the energy that you're truly desiring to continue through this world.
Emitting and receiving from this world. So I'll leave you with that. if you haven't checked out Abraham Hicks, she's got an awesome YouTube channel. Like I said earlier, I listen to it almost every day when I'm driving and just pay attention to some of the, the messages that she brings about feeling calibrated and feeling in alignment with who you truly are intended to be.
Because in my opinion, we don't wanna go around being angry at people or, pointing fingers at people for the way that they make us feel, or being disappointed with ourselves or wishing that we would've done better or better, or that we could do better. Like, that's not who we are. That's not who we're calibrated to be.
So how can we continue on in this world? Taking in the things that go on around us and find a way to decide how we can calibrate that to be the version of ourselves that we are intended to be. Have an awesome week. I love you, and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
We moved last week and still getting settled in, but the change has been good. We've gotten busy hanging pictures, trying not to have to have everything perfect in the perfect location before putting something on a wall, getting Coco used to new surroundings and new dwellings.
She is doing awesome. So really can't complain, and I wanted to really talk this week about Father's Day and thinking about I. The men in our lives or the partners that we have that we wanna support and we might not know how. And this is something near and dear to my heart because I think of it a lot as what we need as women without children around Mother's Day.
Sometimes I find myself, or in years past, seeing Father's Day come up on the calendar and I've never really stopped to consider. How my husband is feeling around Father's Day. We both have our dads around. Our dads are close by and in our lives, and we're active in their lives. And it seems for me like such a time of celebration for Father's Day because I'm not as associated with Father's Day as I am Mother's Day.
Hence the fact that I created the Mother's Day and the Mother's Day brunch and became the founder of that celebration and. This week, I really want to offer you some ideas of ways that you can consider helping to support your partner or maybe helping to support someone in your life. Doesn't have to be your partner per se, but maybe if there's someone in your life who is not a dad and someone in your life who maybe played a father figure in someone's life, but was never biologically a dad.
To somebody and let's think about that because I think, and again this is a generalization, I'm just talking about my experience with my husband, he oftentimes does not talk about how he feels a, around not being a dad. There's very few times that he opens up or shows a lot of emotion or sadness around his inability to become a dad.
I don't wanna generalize and say like it's a guy thing. I don't want to assume that guys are less in touch with their emotions I can just talk from like my experience. So in, insert yourself and your relationship and your partner or the person in your life that you're maybe hoping to support this Father's Day.
And take from this what you will, but I'm just gonna speak from my personal experience. So my husband would probably not come to me and say that he's feeling sad. He might internalize it. And at the same breath, I think that if I came to him and said, Hey, I wanna talk to you about some things. I want to know how you're feeling, how do you wanna spend your day?
What's coming up for you? All these things. That are so easy for me to do with my students and do with you. Like, I'm gonna try that this week and this weekend. And so that's what I would really love for you to consider if that's something that sounds of interest to you and maybe a little bit of help that your partner needs, like join me in trying some of these things.
What I decided I'm gonna do is I'm gonna ask my husband, how do you wanna spend the weekend? Is there anything special you wanna do? Is there anything that comes to mind for you that would help me to support you and the conversation might sound something like this. Hey honey, I know that Father's Day is coming up and I know I'm gonna just speak from my experience to you, but you know how difficult Mother's Day has been for me in the past, and I just wanna ask, How are you going into this weekend?
How do you feel? You know, do you wanna talk about anything? Is there anything that's like coming up for you that you might wanna share with me that maybe I haven't asked lately? How you're doing or how you're feeling? Uh, and then just pause and listen. Maybe they'll say something. Maybe they'll say, oh no, I'm good.
Maybe they'll start to open up and say, you know, I've, I've been thinking a lot about Father's Day and people that I work with are talking about this, plan that they've got going on with their kids and their family. And it's kind of sad for me a little bit. Like who knows what they're gonna open up saying, but I think if we open up the conversation and just let them know that we're supporting them and here to listen to them, that might just.
Be good and be enough for some people. Maybe some people wanna talk about it more. So say your partner or somebody that you're looking to support around Father's Day says, you know, it's like a really sad time for me. I've been trying not to think about it, but I'm really sad. Maybe you can say tell me more about it.
Is there anything you wanna share? I'm here to listen. Not insert our feelings about Mother's Day, cuz I think a lot of us, we want to relate to people, but from like a coaching standpoint or from a a listener standpoint, maybe just let them tell you how they're feeling and you don't necessarily have to validate what they're feeling by what you have felt.
And I know that's something that many of us like to do and be like, oh yeah, I know. I totally get it. I've been there before or I totally felt that way. Just give them their time to share and just say, okay, thank you so much for sharing. Like I love you. I'm here for you this weekend. What can I do for you to make you feel more supported and just listen?
I think I love you and I'm here for you. Are so powerful and really, allow us to support people in whatever way that they're looking to be supported. Think about. If your partner just doesn't wanna do anything and doesn't wanna say anything, okay, that's cool.
I get it, like, let's not assume that they want to do something, but they're not telling us. And force them into something. You know your partner better than I do and what they may or may not wanna open up with. But here's a couple things that I'm planning on doing.
I'm gonna get my husband a card from Coco from the dog
maybe I'll get a Father's Day card for my husband, just telling him I love him and all the things , and qualities that he has that I know would have been fabulous attributes that he would offer if we had a kid, and maybe he'll even have like something special that he wants to do. Maybe he'll want a special meal, or maybe I'll surprise him and make him like a super fun breakfast of something that he loves.
Or maybe we'll go on a walk together and get some exercise together. The morning of Father's Day, I mean, there's endless things that I think we can do or offer to do with our partner, but just like allowing them to. Receive in the way that they want to receive it. If I think back to Mother's Day and seeing the banners and going to the grocery store and going to Target and seeing all the things that were triggering for me about Mother's Day, maybe our partners are seeing that and not.
Feeling validated to talk about it and maybe they'll wanna talk about it, maybe they won't. But in any instance in which they want to communicate, being supportive and just letting 'em know that you're thinking about them I think would be so awesome. Cuz when I think back to my fertility journey and I think about how I really Didn't check in much with my husband.
I felt like because I was the one who was diagnosed with unexplained infertility, that I was the one going through the medications. I was the one going through the phone calls and all the emotional things. I oftentimes didn't ask him how he was doing. I didn't take time to see how he was processing things or how he was coping. So as we come upon Father's Day, let us be supportive to our partners. Let us ask 'em what they need. Let us let them know that they're special, whether they have a human child or not, that they're meaningful in our lives and that the qualities that they have, like we see those qualities and we know that.
Even though they don't have a child to share these talents and these beautiful attributes that they have, I'm like getting teary just thinking about how awesome I know of the father my husband would've been, and to let him know this Father's Day that doesn't go unnoticed and that I really believe that even though he isn't a biological father to somebody, he really brings so much into this world by being him every day. And I want him to know that this Father's Day, and I want him to feel loved, and I want him to feel celebrated and supported in whatever way he's willing to receive it.
I'll leave you with that and Leave you just with telling you that you are a fabulous partner. I know that sometimes we may judge ourselves and feel like we've made our fertility journey all about us, let that be behind you and let this maybe be the, the first start. If it's your first time celebrating a father's day, knowing that you're gonna live your future childless, let this be a new start for you. Maybe this could be a time when you plan a getaway or plan a vacation or start to do something fun and exciting every father's day. And even though your husband or partner is not a father, letting him know that this can be their weekend and whatever.
They wanna do your game for it and you're up for it. So have a beautiful weekend, whether you're celebrating with your father or your husband or your partner. Know that you're loved. Know that your influence and your impact in this world, and in the world of the fathers around you or the father figures around you is so important and have a beautiful week.
I love you. And remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
this will be my last week recording the podcast from this condo. If you have been following along with the podcast or at all on social media, we are moving. This is going to be my second move since selling the house that we thought we would bring our babies home to after our fertility treatments and when my fertility treatments ended and I didn't end up becoming a mom.
I clung to a lot of things in my life and I wanna talk about that this week. Cuz I think when you go through this process of imagining your life being at a certain place and being. Moving in a certain direction and it doesn't end up that way. There's a part of us, I think, as humans that don't wanna let go of the things that feel secure or the things that feel explainable or predictable or understandable in your life, which is fine.
There's no need that just because you find out that you're not gonna become a mom that all of a sudden you feel like. You have to uproot your life and change 1,000,001 things. But for me at least finding out that I couldn't become a mom, I realized that there was an opportunity for me to grow from that.
And I'm gonna talk this week about some of the growth that I've experienced in my own personal life and also share some things that some of the students that I work with have been. Able to grow and see change in their life from a place that took some courage and maybe took some dreaming and took some willingness to put things out in the universe and declare what it is that you are looking for, even if you have no clue.
If it's gonna ever come true for you or whether it's seemingly too big for you to even think it's possible for you to achieve. And if you feel yourself wanting change in your life or maybe seeking more, but not knowing where to go, I invite you to just. Sit here, listen, and maybe allow yourself to disconnect from the things in your life that are telling you you can't or you shouldn't, or it's too risky.
So let me first talk about, you know, the move thing. And if you find yourself in a house that every time you walk past a certain room or when you think about certain occasions going on, you. Think of that house as having been the place you thought you would be hosting Christmases or hosting, um, a birthday party for your kids, or maybe you bought a house that had a swing set in the backyard, or maybe there's a room that you walked past that in your mind was always gonna be the nursery for that child that you thought you were gonna bring home.
And do you find yourself not feeling good? In this place because it has too many reminders of a life that didn't turn out the way that you thought it was going to be with children. I invite you to maybe sit back and ask yourself, where would you see yourself going if this isn't the house or the apartment, or the town home or where?
Wherever it is that your living situation is that you purchased or. We're forward thinking into this future that was gonna have children in it. Where else would you go? Not where could you go? Not where could you afford to go? Not like, don't put any parameters around it, but take some time. You can even pause right now.
If you have your journal with you and you wanna do some paper thinking, pause and just allow yourself a few minutes to close your eyes. And then write down where are some places that you would love to live, but maybe it just doesn't make sense to you right now. Or you know, where, where are some places that you would love to live, but you haven't even really given yourself an opportunity to think about where they would be.
Maybe you can even start, it doesn't even have to be a destination. Maybe you can think about your surroundings, maybe think about a dwelling. Would it be. An apartment, would it be a home? What would the climate be like? How many rooms would there, would there be? What would the environment be like? Is it a city, is it rural?
Is it, you know, maybe a subdivision. So think now and just imagine what that would look like for you. What would. What, what does your your mind automatically go to when you close your eyes and you think about this place that you would love to be living one day? Okay. And when you think about that and you write it down, you don't have to prevent yourself from writing it down because it just doesn't make sense to you, and you tell yourself like, oh, there's absolutely no way this would ever happen.
Just write it down. There's no commitment to it. Nobody has to see it. Nobody has to. Tell you that that's impossible for you to do. You're just simply allowing yourself to notice some of these things. Okay. And so after you give yourself a little bit of opportunity to just get into the zone of what your environment would be like, and tell me what are some of the things that would allow you.
To welcome that into your environment. Would it be a new job? Would it be making more money? Would it be telling someone in your family that you're moving away? Would it be talking to your partner about potentially relocating, you know, maybe it's a conversation that you're fearful of having. And we talked about this, one of my students, I have been working on this, she's potentially gonna be relo, relocating and talking about like, what does that conversation look like?
What are all the things that just come to your mind that you would need to accomplish in order to make it to that place? And what does the timeline look like? Maybe you don't wanna move next month. Maybe you don't wanna move next year, maybe in a few years. You have an idea in your mind, so start thinking about the timeline of it.
That doesn't mean that you're having to commit to that right now, but maybe you can tell yourself, all right, I just know in two years I'm gonna think about this. In two months I'm gonna think about this, and until then, I'm just gonna let my mind continue to marinate about being at that point in my life.
And when you put it on paper, it just allows you to have sort of this. Target and then that target doesn't seem, seems so unattainable. And so allowing yourself to also look at what you have, you know, that was something for me. You've heard me talk about selling my, my dream house. The house that I thought I was gonna bring my babies home to was special to me.
Not only because that's where I thought I was gonna become a mom, but I also loved that house. The decoration in the house, the finishes in the house, the furniture in the house, I love, that was like literally my dream house. Like something when I was a young girl or even fresh outta college and into the working world, like I never in a thousand years would've imagined I could have lived in something so beautiful.
But I did. And that made it so much harder for me to say goodbye to it. So maybe you're finding yourself. Being somewhere that you tell yourself it will never get better than this. And what if it doesn't have to get better than that? What if you could do the same thing somewhere else if you've done that once before?
Maybe if you're desiring to be somewhere else, geographically or environment to physically be different. If you love where you are right now or love aspects of your life, Where they are right now. Maybe it's your neighbors, maybe it's the proximity to family. I mean, there's a host of things that might be telling you that if you leave this physical environment, that it's never gonna be better anywhere else.
What if that's false? Cuz we sold our house and we're renting, like I never would've thought in my forties I would be a renter. And I was like uncomfortable with that because renting in my mind, MyCoach, unmanaged mind renting was sort of like not a grownup thing to do. I don't have to rent forever, but what if my renting is allowing me to have this freedom so that in my next venture I can have a different type of environment to be in?
Or a different type of physical setting to be in. So if you tell yourself that there's a right way and a wrong way to live your life, you create a lot of judgment for yourself. And when you judge yourself, you don't let yourself dream. You don't allow yourself to be open and free to things because you have been conditioned or your mind has been conditioned.
To believe that there is a right way and a wrong way of doing things, and so we oftentimes close ourselves off of experiencing different types of things or meeting new people or looking at new environments or looking into new hobbies because that's just not the, the right thing to do, or not the. The way that you were raised to live or the, the type of environment that you were conditioned to believe is the right environment for you.
And if you can just allow yourself to believe that if, if your physical surroundings are the only thing that are gonna make you happy, then you are always going to be attached to things outside of you. And that's something that I found. With me and my old house. It was a beautiful home. It was an impressive home.
It was a home that people who came to visit told me like it was the most beautiful thing they ever had been in. And I came to realize that a lot of my acceptance of myself and a lot of my worth that I associated with who I was and what I accomplished in my life was associated with. Tangible things. It was associated with material things.
It was associated with a sofa or a piece of art or these things that are great to have. I mean, I like them. I enjoy them. I enjoy art. I love having great, beautiful furniture. I love having my own style and a modern look in my house like, but I had to allow myself to let go of those things. In order to see that without a beautiful home or without an impressive this or a sought after that, I was so much freer because that allowed me to see like I can recreate those things and maybe I don't even want to recreate them.
Maybe there's things in your life that you're holding onto because they feel secure to you. And when we go through fertility treatments and we've dreamed of this life that turned out so differently, it may feel really good for you right now to just hold onto these things that are constants in your life or things that are known things in your life, and there will be a time when you can let go of those things.
And bring yourself to this next level. And it doesn't have to be a better stage of life or a worse stage of life or a lateral stage of life. It could just be something different that you've experienced and letting go of the thing that you think is giving you the security in your life can be so freeing.
And even this condo that we moved into, it's. In my opinion, probably one of the most beautiful condominiums in all of Chicago. The most beautiful view of the city I have ever seen. And when our lease came up, I could have easily been like so sad to leave this, but we're going to a smaller place with a different view in a different type of setting and I find myself being excited about that.
And not feeling like I'm giving anything up, but that because I am childless, not by choice, I'm able to grow from that instead of be held by that and be feeling suffocated by that title that I associated with. Like I thought because I was childless after infertility, that my life would never grow past that, that I would just have to hold onto these things.
That gave me this worth in my life. But now I can see like all this change. So now we're going to our next apartment. We're still renting. I signed a two year lease. So for two years anything could happen. Who knows, like maybe we'll find a house somewhere else and we'll buy a house again. Maybe we're gonna move out of Illinois.
Maybe we're gonna relocate somewhere across the world. Who knows what happens, but. It's just such an interesting concept that so many of my students come to work with me feeling as though they can't allow things to change, because dealing with the change of becoming a woman without children is just too much to bear.
So the other things just have to stay, stay contained in their life. And then they've come to realize like, if anything, it's holding them back. And that is the power of coaching and that is the power of being part of Thrive. And working with a life coach is learning how much more is available to you that you haven't even considered.
And for so long before coaching, I remember feeling just so trapped and so stuck and thinking like, is this the best? That it's gonna get in my life and feeling like, like I tapped out, like here I was in, you know, my late thirties and my early forties, and thinking like this was the best my life was gonna get, and it felt so suffocating.
So I really want you to start allowing yourself to dream about if things were to change, how would they change? And maybe it's not your house, maybe it's a job, maybe. It's an organization that you're a part of. Maybe it's a volunteer opportunity. Maybe it's finding new friends or joining a community or working with a coach.
I mean, there's a host of things that could change in your life, but you have to first believe that you are open to this change and that the change doesn't have to be scary to you. It could be exciting to you. And even if it's so different and the security blanket of life that doesn't really feel good to you, but feels secure could be the thing that is holding you back.
So I've just been really thinking about that and obviously watching so many of my students grow and the beautiful things that they have accomplished through their journeys and through our time working together and coaching. And I just wanna offer that to you this week. I also want to ask if you could help me reach a goal of mine.
So I am about to hit 20,000 downloads of the So Now What Podcast, and I'm asking if you can help me by writing and rating the podcast. If you've listened to an episode and it spoke to you in some certain way, could you please write a review of. What the podcast is for you. Maybe there's something that it's sparked in you.
Maybe you just enjoyed listening. Maybe you enjoy knowing that there's other people out there who you hear your story through and you've never heard anyone else experience a thing that you've experienced through your infertility journey. And the reason I ask you to rate and review it is because the more.
Ratings and reviews the algo, the algorithm Gods will then farm it out and have it show up on people's search terms and when they're searching on Google. So if you could just do that for me, I will send you a t-shirt from the other's day brunch. All you have to do is send me a screenshot of your review and I will reach back out to you, get you your address, get your address from you, and I will send you an other's day T-shirt from our other's day brunch in Chicago this year. If you didn't hear about the other's day brunch, go on Instagram or you can go to stitch coaching.com. I'm sorry. If you haven't heard about the others' day brunch, you can go on lanamankowski.com and rewatch a fabulous national news story that covered the others' day brunch in the mission of the others' day that I founded in 2022.
It was a glorious event. If you wanna be part of our others' day brunch next year, you can reach me at lanamankowski.com. Hope you have a good week. I love you. And remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
As a woman who is diagnosed as an unexplained infertility patient, and I know if you are a woman who has experienced infertility or is childless not by choice, you may experience close friends or close family that have become moms or have successfully. Gone through fertility treatments and been able to have a child, and you feel super disconnected to those people, and maybe you might feel defeated because your dream of being a mom and this dream that you carried around for so long did not ever come true for you. Or maybe you thought being a mom would be the thing that gave you so much purpose and so much fulfillment in your life, and now you're living this. New reality and you're just trying to figure out like, how did I get here? Like this world that I'm living in makes no sense and you might feel like you aren't prepared for this future that's ahead of you. And so what happens is your brain. That oftentimes is the thing that we look for to create clarity for us, creates these assumptions. About what our life's gonna be like if we are remain childless, not by choice. And it creates a lot of judgment for us. Without us asking it to, our brain automatically goes to this place that it's been trained to be. It's been trained to think that if you are a woman who wanted kids and you weren't able to have kids, that all of a sudden you are the worst case scenario. That you are the sad one in the room, that you can't relate to people around you. And when we don't know how to make sense of what is going on in our brain, we then judge ourselves and we question like, why not me? And you feel probably like you got cheated. And I first wanna say that this is all very normal. There's nothing wrong with you. But the problem is that people don't talk about these things. People don't openly share their stories. People don't openly share their struggles, and so you feel like you have to navigate this alone, and I'm gonna help you manage that today. So let's first talk about some of the mistakes that people make when they become childless, not by choice and why they feel so disconnected. So you might find that you blame yourself for not following your protocol correctly. That. You weren't able to have a kid because you didn't take your trigger shot at exactly 4:06 AM when you were told to, or maybe you were 30 minutes late taking one of your medications, and so you're telling yourself that it was you who caused this. Or maybe you heard people tell you that you should be more relaxed and you weren't relaxed enough. Cuz let's be honest, who can be relaxed? When we're going through IVF infertility treatments, but you might be telling yourself that it's your fault that you didn't relax enough. And so you start comparing yourself to the women or your friends or colleagues that you know that went through IVF and you say, you know what? It makes sense that they were able to have a kid and I wasn't. Because you're telling yourself that they did it right and you did it wrong, or maybe you think it's a punishment. And maybe you're thinking that there is something that you did in your past and you might not know what it is, but you think that you not being able to become a mom is a punishment for, for something that you did in your past. And maybe you believe these thoughts that your brain offers you about being childless, not by choice and your inability to become a mom. And that creates separation for you between people that you love in your life. Maybe your best friend at work just found out that she is gonna be a mom and you feel so disconnected from her. It's not that you've done anything wrong or that you're not a good friend, or that you're not caring and supportive and loving. It's just that your brain is designed to tell you that something's wrong with you, and that creates separation for you and people around you. And maybe. Like you just don't know where to go and you might not be able to like come to grips with things, but I really wanna help you get there and I wanna help you get there because I have been there. I have been that person who judged myself for feeling jealousy around a friend's pregnancy announcement or not wanting to go to somebody's kid's first birthday party. And so I really want to help you get to a point that you can feel proud of who, who you are, even if you weren't able to have the children you always dreamed of. So what I first wanna do is think about like comparing, cuz I think a lot of us compare our stories with others. So think about what you do when you're comparing, what are you feeling? When you feel like you're, when you're comparing yourself to somebody, you might feel insufficient. Maybe you feel inadequate, maybe you feel broken when you're comparing yourself in your story or your outcome of childlessness to somebody else. And so when you're feeling broken, I want you to think like, what are some things that you're thinking when you feel broken? What's something that you might think when you feel disconnected? Maybe something's wrong with me. I didn't do it right. My body didn't do what it was supposed to do. I mean, how many of us really think that like we have this body and just because we're a female, that we are supposed to have kids? And so you tell yourself that your body didn't do what it was supposed to do. I know it's just feels so suffocating when you think that way. And so I wanna tell you first that the one thing that you do have control over is how you think about yourself and how you think about your story and your circumstance of being childless, not by choice. And that's really the only thing that we can control is. What we think about ourselves and truly what has given so many women that I work with, and me included the power to feel freedom and joy and love for our lives, even though we're childless, is that we tap into that power. This ability that we have to think what we want to think about ourselves. Cuz there is nobody who has told us that we have to believe this story that has us feeling broken and disconnected and isolated from people. But because at the end of the day how you really want to live your life and the reality that you wanna create for yourself is this experience. That should feel so much better than it does. But we have decided to tell ourselves that we as somebody who d we as women who don't have kids, just don't have a choice in the matter. And I just wanna know how would you wanna feel when you talk to somebody who tells you that they're having a child? Or maybe when you run into somebody that you haven't seen for a long time and they ask you like, oh, did you ever end up having kids? Like, how do you want to feel about that story? Do you wanna feel proud? Do you wanna feel, maybe you just wanna feel okay. Maybe you wanna feel just less shame around your story because I think so many of us haven't really thought, maybe you haven't even thought about the fact that you can feel differently. When somebody asks you if you have any kids or how many kids you have, or if you've thought about adoption, maybe you don't wanna feel angry anymore. Maybe you wanna feel at peace with those questions or about your circumstance of being childless, not by choice. And of course, I still experience these things. All this work that I've done and all these coaches that I've worked with, and the hours that I have spent. Becoming a certified coach. I still go through some of that myself, but I have these tools that I'm able to tap into that allow me to realize that I don't have to think these thoughts forever that make me feel like I didn't do enough or I didn't follow my protocol enough. And sometimes they creep in and I notice them and I allow myself to feel them, but I've decided that I don't have to believe them. I can listen to them. And just decide, you know what, not today. Or maybe there's days that I do feel bad and that's okay too. And it's all begins with understanding the power that we have as women, whether we had our dream family or not, we have this power that nobody can take away from us. And no one talks about it in the infertility community. And that's what just blows my mind that we have all this power. That nobody tells us how to use, and that's exactly why it's so important for me to tell my story and why I decided that feeling shameful for not being able to have kids was not as important as it is for me to tell a story that allows other women to have their eyes open, that you can actually learn something after this journey that ended up so differently than you thought it would. That I could share my story and teach you something that can help you feel proud of who you are and feel proud of your story. Like that's why I tell my story. That's why I show up here on Facebook. Whether one person is watching or 4,000 people are watching, I'll never stop telling my story because there's this freedom we have in our thoughts and our beliefs about ourself and our journey that nobody talks about. So I may be the only one you hear this from, and I invite you to just take this in and just imagine yourself feeling free again and thriving again, and feeling fulfilled because I know you're used to that. I know that is the life that you once led before your diagnosis of infertility came your way and. I want you to know that that life is still available to you and that life doesn't have to feel gloomy and hard and disappointing. And I want you to just pause for a moment and just even if you close your eyes with me and just close your eyes and imagine that freedom that you so desire to feel again and that there's a better life for you. And so when you imagine this feeling of fulfillment, And like your life has purpose even without kids or without you being a mom. And imagine that you created this legacy with your life that had nothing to do with how many viable pregnancies or embryos or miscarriages, or any of that. Just imagine that you left this legacy behind that had nothing to do with that part of your life. And so if there's any small part of you that feels like there's just this inkling in you where you can create a legacy that doesn't include having a child and that you know deep in your bones that you want to thrive after infertility journey, then I want you to stick around and I just want you to hang out for a few moments. Because I wanna share something with you that will absolutely change your life. And I wanna start by saying that if you're watching this, it's not by coincidence. I used to think that things randomly happened in my life and it was just luck, or it was just a coincidence. But I can tell you there is just way too much that has happened in my life that I know that you watching this right now and resonating with my story and maybe hearing someone say things that you feel. And have felt silently for so long. That's not a coincidence. I believe that you called me into this space, that you just happened to be scrolling and you came across my live and you're like, oh my gosh, like this woman is calling me. This woman is telling me my story, and that you know that there's so much that you've been dealing with alone. And to finally hear someone. Know what you've been feeling and resonate with what you're feeling is not a coincidence. I'm gonna tell you that because there's just so much connection that I think we are not open to in our lives. So I just wanna say thank you. And if you're feeling like you want to thrive and you wanna feel fulfilled again without the children that you always dreamed of that, I wanna tell you about my mastermind. So I started the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind because there was so much that I yearned for when I was trying to navigate my years and months after realizing that I wouldn't become a mom, and after deciding that I wasn't gonna adopt and deciding that an A donor wasn't the right decision for me and I want, I decided to create something for women that I know I needed because the women. That I work with and the women in my community are women that are used to being very successful. They're used to knowing, being aware, and knowing how to create a goal and achieve it, or to have a focus that they, they know they want to get somewhere in life and they've just always known how to. Stumble every block that has been put in front of them and climb every wall that has put been put in front of them. But when it came to becoming a mom, that wasn't possible. And so when I created the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind, it was to help women discover that life could be good again, and life could be easy again, and you could look forward to your future again. Because I know that you have spent a long time believing that your best years are behind you. And you might even believe that there is, is just life is gonna always be at 80% and maybe there's many days you wake up feeling good, but you haven't felt great in a long time. Then you need to join and hear about the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind. And let me first tell you what we do. So I created the Thrive process, and the Thrive process is, I, when I say, when I tell you about them, they seem super simple and frankly they are. But if you've never experienced this opportunity to take control of your beliefs and your thoughts about your infertility, you might think, huh, that seems a little difficult. But let me tell you, it's not. So I'm gonna take you through my Thrive process. So the Thrive process, the first thing we do in step one is dropping our sad story. So I know that you're probably tired of people feeling sorry for you because you're used to being a high achiever and an overachiever, and you might feel like there's constant, like people getting quiet around you or feeling like, like they need to tiptoe around you. And what we do in step one when we reframe our sad story is we decide that we can develop like, This vision of ourselves and vision of our future. And so what I do in Step one of the program is that I help you realize that you don't need a child to create a legacy and you can live a life that expands beyond just having kids. And you'll learn how to get connected to a future that you didn't even like Fathom was possible. And you'll no longer be bothered by people that show you sympathy. Or when you tell 'em that you don't have kids, they put their hand on their chest and they say, I'm so sorry. Like how many times have you heard that? So in step one of the program, we drop our sad story, and then in step two we start to reestablish connection with ourselves. So you might find yourself feeling disconnected from others and even more so disconnected from yourself because there's this loneliness and this belief that you have that. Life just didn't turn out like it was supposed to, and you just don't recognize that woman you see in the mirror because life is just so different than you thought it would be. So when we work together in the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind, I'll teach you how to reestablish that connection with yourself and you'll see that you just can have such a fulfilling. Future, and I'll help you figure out how to create this desire for this life that is so much bigger than motherhood. And I know that sounds so crazy to imagine life feeling even bigger than being a mom, but it's true. And I teach you that and the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind. And then thirdly, what we do is we release this weight that we carry around of infertility. And I know it feels like this burden to wake up and just wonder what you're gonna do with this next 40 years of your life. And we work through that and thrive. We don't worry about what we're gonna fill our future with or what we're gonna spend our days doing because I help you get. Reconnected to yourself in this sense of purpose that you have, and we uncover these passions for life that seem like they've been hidden forever, and hobbies that you'll be like, my gosh, I never even imagined that I'd find myself doing this. And maybe even these gifts that you were born with that you've never even realized you had. I'll help you just figure out how to. Release this weight that you've been carrying around since your fertility journey ended with no kids. So if this speaks to you at all, and if you're yearning those things that I know I yearned for for so long, then you'll want to apply to the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind because thrive after infertility. Not only does it help you create this life you love, you do it with women who have been on your journey. And I think that was something that I was so yearning for for so long after my fertility journey ended without kids. Like I just wanted to know that there was other women out there that felt this emptiness that I felt. So in the Mastermind you'll be surrounded by women who have been on this same journey and will come together. Once a week for 12 weeks, like for three months, we will just form this amazing connection and this bond and the support for one another because it's not like a support group in the, in the way that women show up and they're just complaining about their life. Like the women that join the Thrive after Infertility mastermind, can't wait to come on. And talk about the breakthroughs that they made in their life. Like imagine hearing someone who's been on your journey share an idea of how their mind just opened up to a life that feels easy again. Or maybe how they were able to handle getting a baby shower invitation for their best friend's baby shower, and they come every week and you have this time to share together about the things that worked really, really well. And also imagine having this stumbling block during the week. We have this group chain where we have this group text and people drop stuff in the text throughout the week and say, Hey, I'm really struggling, or This just happened. Can you guys listen to me for a little bit? And knowing that you have this support system and when the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind ends that support system. Just keeps going. And I have seen some of the most beautiful and amazing friendships that have been created through the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind. And the greatest thing is, is that you'll have me in your corner and you'll feel, and you'll, you'll like feel supported and just understood. Because I have lived this journey. I'm not just somebody who's talking about all this stuff without having done it myself. Like I have been in the hollows. Of life after, after infertility failed. I know how it feels to feel stuck and feel just so desiring of feeling better, but not knowing where to go. Like, I will be with you throughout this whole mastermind, cheering you on, listening to you drying your tears, whatever you need. And I just want you to give yourself the permission to honor this voice inside of you and this desire that I know you have to feel better. And I know you may think that time's gonna just heal everything. I waited a long time, ladies, like I waited a really long time to think that all of a sudden more months and more years were gonna pass on the calendar. And then I would just wake up feeling great one day. And the sad part is I didn't. So when I created the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind, I did it with the mindset of knowing that I'm gonna show up, giving you what I needed, but also listening to what you need. I don't have this preset, you know, curriculum or lesson plan. It's just the three steps that I talked about with you, and we personalize them to the members in the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind, I ask you what you are seeking. I don't just give you what worked for me, what worked for me may be good, it may help you, but it's more important for me to know what you're seeking and what you're looking for. And I do that in the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind. So if this at all is speaking to you, I want you to listen to this voice. Cause it's not by circumstance that you just happened to listen to this far into the live. I think you really know that you wanna feel better, and I can help you get there. So what I did is here on the page, I put in my link to, uh, schedule a discovery call. A discovery call is a free 45 minute call where we can just share ideas. Tell me what's, what's been holding you back. Tell me where you're feeling like you need the most support. I'll listen. If you want me to, you know, provide any commentary, I'm happy to, but even if it's just me listening for 45 minutes, I would be so happy to give you that time and gift you that time, cuz I know how rare it is to have someone that you can openly talk to about your journey. Schedule a discovery call that gives us some time to just hear your story, talk about your story. I'll share a little bit about the Mastermind and see if we're a good fit to work together, cuz that's one thing I have such high integrity for what I do because I know how vulnerable you feel right now. And I know that you'd probably pay a million dollars to feel better, but I wouldn't take a million dollars from someone that I didn't think I could help. I wouldn't take a hundred dollars from somebody that I didn't think that I could help. So that's why I have a discovery call and I have an application process to the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind because I think it's so important for me and you to be on the same page with one another. Because I want you to thrive. I want you to feel fulfilled. I want you to know that your story matters and that you have a legacy that is important and will last you way beyond your lifetime. So if that sounds like something that you're interested in, book a call. I would love to just hear what, what I can do to help you and really help you feel like life could be easy again, because I know for so long. I spent life feeling like really heavy and feeling like I just didn't know where to go and I didn't know who to talk to, and that I was just sick of being this the worst case scenario amongst my friends. So I would love to be that for you and if I could help at all, just, just book a discovery call and, um, listen to that voice because it really matters. It means something that you listen today.
I hope you're having a beautiful week. Things are just plugging away. There's so much good stuff I wanna tell you about this week, I think I'll start with how exorbitantly appreciative I feel of everybody who has reached out about The Other's Day about how they resonated with the message. People that maybe didn't hear about it before and were just hearing about it for the first time. People who maybe heard about it and weren't able to attend, people who attended in person or at an ambassador event, and I wanna let you know that I am creating an info list. So when we start to publish info on The Other's Day for next year, which we already know the date, mark your calendars. It is May 11th of 2024. It's always gonna be the Saturday before Mother's Day. So if you were thinking about joining next year and you want to put your name on the waitlist, send me a dm, message me, and that way I can make sure that I let you know about all the happenings going on for next year.
Second thing, I have a handful of leftover The Other's Day tank tops. They are so flipping cute. They're this like lavender color with a cute little rainbow that says The Other's Day and everyone who was at the in-person event in Chicago got an amazing swag bag with glorious donated goods from different vendors who donated for the swag bags, and everyone got one of these cute t-shirts and some people even got a cute branded tote bag.
So I have a handful of T-shirts left over. And so what I'm gonna do is if you write a review of the podcast, And you send a screenshot, you can message it to me on Instagram @lana.mankowski, or you can send it to me at hi@lanamankowski.com. Send me a screenshot of your podcast review and whatever you feel about the podcast, I encourage you to just maybe share what called you to the podcast, what you get out of listening to the podcast, anything that you wanna put. Please be honest and open with what you wanna hear more of. Send me that screenshot, along with your address, and I will send you one of our tank tops from The Other's Day the other's day in-person event in Chicago.
Keep in mind, I only have medium and large sizes left, and they are just gonna be first come, first serve. So get your podcast review written, send me a dm. I'll get you the cutest tank top you've ever had. And what else? Oh, this is the other thing I got invited to be on this amazing platform called Stigma.
If you haven't heard about the Stigma app, I encourage you to download it. I'll tell you more about it when it airs, it was just such an amazing opportunity for me to be the voice of infertility and that's going to be coming live within the next couple months. There's just so much going on.
And of course, the National News Media interview, being on national news, talking about the others' day brunch was. Beyond glorious, I feel so proud of the work that I've done and the community that has been created through little old me, a failed infertility patient telling her story. On this week's episode of the podcast, I wanna talk about something that held me back for a long time.
Something that really had me feeling as though I wasn't somebody who. Was fully connected to people and I oftentimes felt invisible. You might find yourself showing up to work after a weekend and everyone's hanging out, maybe getting coffee in the morning and talking about how busy their weekends were, how they had to run here and run there and this, and this was going on with their kids.
And you just sort of feel like you just don't fit in. Maybe you've noticed yourself being in a situation where somebody in your office has recently become pregnant, or maybe your best friend recently has become pregnant and you're out on a girl's night, and all of a sudden all your friends start talking about their pregnancy journeys.
Just actually this morning, somebody that I know from work. His wife is pregnant and I was listening to he and his counterpart talk about the morning sickness and how you're gonna look back at how quickly they grow and remember these cute little outfits you brought 'em home from the hospital in. I'll never know what that's like. And I'm also okay with not having to be part of the conversation. The old me before coaching would've felt really invisible. Kind of like, Hey guys, like, does anyone know I'm here? Does anyone know my story?
Does anyone know what I have been through? Does anyone know the heartache that you've been carrying around because you couldn't become a mom? And the truth of the matter is most people probably don't really know how much it affects you. So when you feel invisible, It's oftentimes because our story is really invisible.
We don't go out and talk about it. We don't let people know what we're comfortable and uncomfortable with, our feelings become invisible because we aren't a voice to ourselves. And that doesn't mean that you have to go up on a soapbox like I do every day telling my story, but you could start with just understanding what your story is to you. I know that you may wanna forget about that heartache.
You might want to feel like pushing those feelings away and never opening up that Pandora's box of feelings and heartache. That you went through during your journey. I encourage you to start to understand why your story is important. And although it didn't end up in this dream of motherhood that you always wished it would have, start to understand why you are worth celebrating, why you shouldn't be invisible.
So when you get upset listening or maybe hurt or heartbroken, when somebody's telling these stories about morning sickness or the drive home from the hospital, or the first night that they were a mom and they didn't know what to do with their baby, I want you to think about why you're not invisible, why your story is important to you.
And you don't have to tell it to anyone. You don't have to share it with anyone. But if you get really good at understanding, when those things come up for you and they're upsetting to you, what's coming up? Write that down, do some paper thinking. We haven't talked about the paper thinking in a while, but I really want you to start getting that stuff out on paper and these feelings that.
Somehow have been trained to just be nodded up inside of you. Let them out just for yourself, just for your own sense of relief, for moments in time as you're writing them on paper, start to understand why your story does not have to be invisible to you. You don't have to forget what you went through.
You don't have to forget how much you wanted to be a mom. You don't have to forget how flipp and strong you were. To go through all those rounds of fertility treatments or that you don't have to forget and feel invisible for the woman that you were and the strength that you showed throughout your fertility journey and the years that have come beyond it.
There's something inside of us that silences us and then we become in our minds. Invisible to others, I know that people don't mean to hurt us, and people might not know that it bothers you as much as it does, and people might not understand when they tell you that you can always adopt that.
You thought about that. You may feel very invisible because they don't know all these things that you looked into and the research that you did and the questions that you had, and the tears you spent trying to figure out some sort of understanding with what was the right move for you.
So if you're finding yourself feeling invisible, I want you to know that your story is never invisible to me, I'd love for you to call me and write me or email me, or even set up a free zoom call and tell me your story. If I'm the only other person in this world that you're comfortable sharing it with, I would so welcome that opportunity and love to be that person for you.
But you first must understand. Why it's important for you not to be invisible to you, and that's gonna start with understanding what's coming up for you, why you're feeling invisible, what things are coming at you that you feel you need to squish away and not allow yourself to open up. And then from there, start to decide.
That they're allowed to have their story. And when I told you earlier today, I had someone talking about their wife being pregnant and you know, listening to all these experiences that people have gone through, that I never will. I wanted to be angry. There was part of me that was wanted to be like, gosh, like these people know what I've been through.
Why are they continuing to talk about this? And then I sat there for a minute and I just fermented in it. And I decided, you know what? That's their story. I don't wanna take that away from them. Just like, I don't want someone to take away my story for me. So I allowed them to talk and not to judge them.
And it took a lot of energy for me to do. But at the, at the end of the conversation, they don't know that I was going through this, but for me, I knew that I wasn't invisible to me because I was reminding myself of all that I did and the strength that I showed. And I want you to remember all that you did and all that you continue to do by waking up every day and searching for a life that feels whopping in full and free again.
I know that you're doing that cuz you're listening to this podcast. Because if you're not out there searching for something, then I would say that you're not trying. But if you're sitting here listening to my voice, whether it's every week or every once in a while, that's your sign that you're trying to get to this different place.
And that's exactly why I created the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind, because I didn't hear anyone. Talking about wanting to get somewhere else. And I knew that the type of person that I was, I wasn't gonna be comfortable feeling isolated and lonely the rest of my life. So when I created the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind, it was a place for women not to only show up for themselves, but to show up for each other.
And that's the beauty of the Mastermind. We go through 12 weeks together, you'll be with women. Just like you who wanted to be moms and didn't become moms, we grow together in 12 weeks, you create friendships and bonds with women who you may for the first time hear, say things that you thought you were the only one to ever think.
The thrive after infertility Mastermind is such a beautiful opportunity to create connection in your life. And to not be invisible to people and to practice deciding how you wanna say things and feel things and do things, knowing that you're gonna be somebody without children. The Thrive After Infertility Mastermind applications are open now.
So if you're thinking about applying, go to lana mankowski.com/thrive. And the only reason I have an application process is because it's really important for me. To bring students into the container that are ready to create this life that they love again. For me, it means women who are ready for that journey because I personally know that I wasn't ready for that at two months after my last round of I V F ended and I didn't become a mom.
I truly felt like I needed some time to just. Figure out what it was that was coming up for me and what was going on for me. I have an application process that it's not long and rigorous, but it just asks some pointed questions that will help me become more aligned because the people that I bring into the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind, they're making an investment with me, that I'm able to return on that investment if I said yes to everyone and people
maybe weren't the right fit at this point in their journey. I feel like I wouldn't be showing up being the true, honest version of the life coach that I am and the teacher that I am. So if you apply for the Mastermind and you aren't accepted, know that it's not because you're not good as a person, you're not, you're not doing things right.
It just means that you might not be ready yet. And I'll still help you figure out how to get to that point where you're ready when we have the Mastermind open again. But if you're listening to yourself in yearning for this life that seems easier and freer and lighter, I want you to listen to that voice and not think that time is just gonna take away all this pain for you.
Your voice is telling you that you're desiring more and. There's ability to get to this place where you can thrive and feel fulfilled even though you didn't have the children that you wanted. So don't shut that voice off. Don't let that voice be invisible in you. And I want you to really think about why you're not worth this loss of your story.
And even though it may feel like you don't wanna think about your fertility journey again, I can promise you that there is so much you can create. Beyond just being infertile and that you'll never be invisible to me. So have a beautiful week. I love you. And remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning.
I'll talk to you next week.
What a weekend it was - this weekend was The Other’s Day Brunch on Saturday. - the Saturday before Mother's Day is our Other’s Day celebration every year. And I don’t have the words to describe how overjoyed I am by the people that came to Chicago to celebrate. so many people from out of town.
So many people here in Chicago. People that I didn't ever know or meet, but heard about the event and decided to find connection and create connection on a weekend that can commonly be hard for many. So The Other’s Day Brunch was an absolute success. So much so that it got national media coverage on the NewsNation network. So if you haven't had a chance to watch it, Go to my Instagram page, you'll be able to watch it. Or you can go to my Facebook page. I'll probably link it into my YouTube page. But it was a beautiful story. And the reporter that covered it, ironically, her father was a reproductive or is a reproductive endocrinologist. And I was just so overjoyed by her interest in having our story be told about how disconnected some women can feel around Mother's Day weekend and Mother's Day when they are either not moms themselves. Or they don't have a bond or a mom in their life that they're able to celebrate. So. It was just wonderful. And our sister cities. I've been getting great feedback from them and I'm just, you know, just full of pride and also full of anticipation for what is to come because I know that the response that we've gotten about The Other’s Day Brunch I know it's not going to end. I know that there's so many women who are just going to continue to hear about it and realize that there is a place for them on mother's day weekend.
Where they can go and fit in and feel loved and not feel so disconnected. So if you didn't get to join us this year in Chicago, Please plan on May 11th, 2024 for being here in Chicago for The Other’s Day Brunch.
Another big thing this weekend, in addition to The Other’s Day Brunch and being interviewed live on a national news network. It was my birthday. So I had a birthday on Sunday. Yes. On mother's day. And I wanted to talk about birthdays this week because there's a lot of women. As they begin to age and become further and further away from their vsion of motherhood and their biological clock that takes them further away from naturally being able to conceive. There's a lot of women that feel a lot of disconnection around birthday time. And I know that that was something that I did for a long time. So I'd love to talk about that this week.
And talk about what it is that you're feeling as another birthday is approaching for you and what you make it mean. When you grow another year older. And maybe what we can do to reframe the fear that we have about aging and the things that we make a birthday mean to us when we are childless, not by choice.
So think about what getting older means to you? For some people, you may think that it's less time to do what you want to do. Things are becoming more and more apparent that they did not turn out like you thought that they would, and that might give you some anxiousness. And if you're feeling that and seeing that I get it.
I spent a lot of time feeling very disconnected from this aging that I was experiencing and this life that I was living, because it looks so different than I thought it was going to be. So I'd like you to first think about what it is. You want to do. If you're thinking about all these things that you have yet to do, take some time to write them down. Actually give yourself an opportunity to pay attention to what is. What is that thing? Or two or three? That you are like feeling anxious that you haven't accomplished yet. In your life. And don't fear writing it down because it seems unattainable to you. Think about just writing it down without judgment and get curious about what are some of the things that you are wishing you would have done by now? Or wishing you had had the opportunity to pursue. And put it down on paper and just sit with it for a little bit. Think about what part, what part of the thing that you're wishing to accomplish. What part of it attracts you? Is it something that you always thought you wanted to do? Or is it something that you truly do want to do? Is it something that is. In alignment with who you are today and the life that you've experienced to date. And if it's something that you thought you always wanted to do, but it truly doesn't really have an interest to you, but you feel like because you committed to it so many years ago that it's something that you should still be accountable to achieve.
Be okay with letting go of that and saying, you know where I'm at today? That is just not something that's of interest to me anymore. And let it take its weight off you. And let yourself just put it aside and say, you know what? I've changed my vision and changed. My interest level and that's just something that I don't have at a desire to achieve in my life anymore.
I also think some of us. Become. Afraid of aging. And getting older. Because as women, without children or women who are childless, not by choice. For us, we have this fear about our end of life. So as we add another year onto our age, We are subconsciously. Becoming more fearful about how we will end up.
Aging and what life will look like. As you get older, who will take care of you. Who will, who will pay attention to you? Who will come visit you, who will take you to doctor's appointments, all these things that yes. I understand Seem really scary and a lot of unknowns. But what if we allow ourselves to say, you know what, right now,
I'm going to grow another year older and I'm not going to worry about that part of my life yet. I'm not going to fear. That part of my life yet, but I am going to take opportunity to see what it is. That I want to celebrate that's in my life right now, because I think it's so easy for our minds to take us to this place of the unknown and forget about where you are today. And you skip over this amazingness and this. Growth and this opportunity to really celebrate the woman that you are. In this age and in this life right now. Because. The fear. Overshadows the ability to focus on who you are.
So maybe start to think about. What are some of the things that you accomplished? In this year, that's something that I did. Coming on the last couple of days of, you know, leading up to my birthday. I really. Gave myself an opportunity to recall all the things that I did this year. And this might help you. If you go through your camera roll.
Go through, start with, you know, for me, my birthday's in may. So I started in may of 2020. Three, I'm sorry. 20, 22. And I look through every thing that I had a picture of in that month. And it helped to really like jog my memory of some things that I did. Some fun times that I had some people that I met interactions that I had with others successes in my workplace.
Things that I did in my coaching community. So maybe go through your camera roll and go by month and create a list of the things that stood out for you. When you look through your camera roll, or when you think about some things that you've done. And build some opportunities for yourself to recall all the wonderful things.
That you did accomplish in this year and allow that to outweigh the fear that you have about the things. That are unknown to you. And the things that you might be fearing that potentially might not ever happen. You might not. Grow old alone in a nursing home. Like. We just are very attached to believing that.
As women who are childless, not by choice, but what if that's not even going to be something that happens to you and you've spent all this time fearing it and overlooking. The things that you've continuously shown up for yourself doing in your life. So when you think about. You know, listing out all those things really allow yourself to say, what are some of the things that I did in this year, in this past year?
Leading up to my birthday. And what are some of the things that you want to continue on doing? In this next year. What are some of the things that made you feel really, really good that you want? To elaborate on or maybe. Be part of a regular routine for you or something that you commit to doing every year. And how can you bring more of that into this year ahead for you?
So some ideas to think about. Because I understand how growing older can feel, feel very fearful for you, but it doesn't have to. It could just be part of life and. Imagine what it would feel like to be excited about celebrating a birthday and to be excited about celebrating all of the beautiful things.
That you just innately. Accomplish and do every day in your life or the life that actually, when you look through that camera roll, you see it. Ain't half bad. But for some reason, There is this story that has just repeated in your mind telling you. That getting old is scary and getting old as a representation or an opportunity to point out things that maybe don't make you feel so good. And just allow that chatter.
To maybe listen to it, allow it to show up and then just say, thank you. I listened to you and I've decided. But I don't want to believe that story, or maybe I don't want to believe that whole story. And decide what parts of your story you want to believe? So happy birthday to me. I'm very proud of the community that I have continued to build in this year of my life.
And I couldn't have done it without each of you who have come and celebrated. The. The true and the real and the raw emotions of being childless, not by choice. Or childless after infertility. And I really am so appreciative. That you allow me to come here every week and. Create a connection. Not only for me, but with you in to you.
Because you went here, a lot of your story through me telling mine. And that's what really motivates me is to continue to tell my story, because I know for so long how silent I kept about my story, because I had a lot of shame about my infertility and about my inability to become a mom. And to be on this side of things and to be able to share this every week publicly with you and the rest of my listeners and supporters.
I really am just so excited about what is ahead for me and I no longer fear getting old, because I know that my life is just starting to bud and blossom because I am living this true version of me. And recognizing that the circumstances that I've had in my life don't have to hold me back. And I hope the same for you.
In this year of your life. So before I let you go for this week. I just want to tell you that this next round of thrive after infertility. Is going to be starting in June. So if you've heard me talk about the mastermind and it's something that is of interest to you. I encourage you to apply. The application is available on my website or in my Instagram, in the link tree, in my Instagram. And if you've been thinking about creating a life that you can truly love where you want to thrive and feel fulfilled without the children, you always dreamed you would have.
And meet some awesome women along the way. The thrive after an infertility mastermind is where you can do just that. So thrive is the 12 week small group, class of women, just like you, who are seeking growth beyond their infertility. And it is such a magical experience. And even seeing at the others day, I had.
A group that went through thrive some months back. That only met over zoom every week and may all came in. And met in person for the first time at the other state brunch. And it was just so beautiful to see this connection that they had to each other because of their time in the thrive after infer infertility masterminds. So if you've been thinking about thrive, I encourage you to join.
It is. Just so magical and such an opportunity to really grow and create this life that you are so deserving of, even though you didn't have the children, you always dreamed you. What. So have a beautiful week. Thank you to everyone for supporting me on the other's day. And for your beautiful birthday wishes.
Have a beautiful week and remember it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
So good to have you here again this week for another episode of the podcast. I feel so energized this week for so many reasons, and we're going to talk about all of that this week and all about what it's like to navigate Mother's Day when you are a woman without children,
I first want to think about why it is we think that not having children or not being a mom affects us.
What do we make it mean about us and our story? If you're up for listening to how you can navigate the aisles of Target or. Walgreens, CVS, Rite Aid or any place that has greeting cards, you understand what it feels like when you walk down an aisle and you see the Mother's Day banner.
So, we're going to talk about that this week. What brought this on for me this week was really some deep conversations we've been having about connection in the Mastermind. As you know, I have a mastermind, it's a 12-week mastermind, it's called Thrive After Infertility. We had a really amazing discussion this week about connection. Connection. I know it is something that I struggled a lot with during my journey. Feeling connected to people that historically I had a strong connection to. And I noticed that connection would start to wither away. Also wanting to feel connected to my partner, to my husband,my family, all these things that during my fertility journey, I found myself having such a lack of connection.
And then when my journey ended without children, I felt even more disconnected because my story turned out to be so different than I thought it would. If you are feeling that way, I first want to acknowledge you are not alone in that. And I'm going to talk to you a little bit this week about how to go about creating more connections, not from a place of desperation, but from a place that fills you up. I'm gonna share some ideas of things that have been coming up in the cohort and some things that might help you along the way. Before I get started on that, I wanted to talk about The Other's Day and the connection we created last year at our in-person event in Chicago, and the connection that's being created in some of our sister cities this year.
You might know that I have ambassadors who have raised their hand and said, yes, I want to create this connection in my community for women either that I know, or women that I have yet to meet. I connected one of my students was somebody who's our ambassador in Seattle and connected them through Instagram…turns out they know people in common and they live 3 hours away from each other. I was just thinking about how awesome it is that we women in this community stand up and create connection for others, and that there's women like us who, if you're not there yet, no big deal, take advantage of the women that are creating the connection.
But if you are somebody who's gotten to a point in your life where you want to be the connector, just know that this work is needed. The smallest lift, the smallest post outreach email raise your hand for help, all that stuff. It may seem very minuscule to you, and you might think, it's not worth my time to do that.
Or what are people gonna think if they know that I'm looking to connect with a total stranger? It feels very foreign for me. This could just be that one small thing that can propel you into this feeling of connectedness with others. The Other's Day, even last year at our in-person event, I have one of the most beautiful stories about two women who met. One had a very unique health issue, and the other woman who was at the brunch knew somebody that was able to help this woman create a whole liberating change in her life due to a change in medication and it's just like blows my mind about how we can help each other just by reaching out a hand and being accepting of opportunities. I really want to first tell you if you haven't signed up for The Other’s DayBbrunch, you need to. If you are interested in being an ambassador and inspired by the story to be an ambassador, reach out to me.
We're very close to the event, but we might be able to make something still work if you are able. But if you wanna travel to Chicago and be part of this, I mean, I have women coming in from Puerto Rico, Nebraska. Missouri, Kansas. I mean, it just blows my mind that women are getting on airplanes because they are desiring this sense of connection.
If you want that, I invite you to do that too. Okay. I'm gonna get back focused on what I was gonna talk about this week. I just get so excited about the other day. So what I really wanted to talk about is why we might shy from. Connection and creating connections. I think a lot of us have this belief that your core group of people or your core group of family members, coworkers, people that you've historically had a connection to, there's a problem if those relationships shift.
The relationships don't have to end. They don't have to have any drama in them. They could just have their own little portion of your heart or your energy, your friendship. But creating new friendships in seeking new friends is something as we become adults, we think something's weird about us wanting to.
Have a deeper connection or connect in other areas from where we've always been with our existing friends, family, relationships, whatever it is. When I think about who we are and as we're growing as women and as we're discovering this new life for us, that looks very different than we thought it would, we can be the ones that are in charge of who we let in.
Okay, so we may have some people that are left in our lives that don't make us feel good about our reality of not being moms, or maybe people that are constantly pushing us to try another round. Or maybe you should still think about adopting. I've had those people in my life too that don't seem to want to respect that.
I have decided that we are no longer pursuing parenthood and the act of having a child in our life and they can't seem to come to grips with it, which is fine. That is their story, but if I want to create a connection with people that get that and will accept me and my story without feeling the need to constantly give me advice about it.
I should be open to, and I want to have more people like that in my life because I feel like we have such an opportunity to grow and discover this future together and share ideas, and share best practices and all these things that each of us on our individual journey to being childless, not by choice.
Can bring something to the table and help one another. I was thinking about the fact that we actually have this ability as we continue into adulthood of bringing the people that we want in our lives. It may be hard to relinquish relationships with people that you feel need to be in your life, and that is not a problem.
I'm not here to tell you to clean slate with friends and family, but wouldn't it be wonderful if you could meet new people that are in alignment with this version of yourself that you are seeking to be more of. When you say yes to events like a meetup group and a childless event or something on social media or my mastermind for example, when you open yourself up to these connections, the people that are on the other side of this are people just like you who are looking to feel connected.
Although it may feel weird to raise your hand and. Say Yes to an event or a group or a Mastermind or a Zoom Call of complete strangers. Know that the people that are out there are wanting that same thing that you are. I also wanna think a little bit about what you think connection is for you and be able to define it.
I really challenge my students, and I think that's why they have seen such success in the Mastermind and success in their coaching time with me, is that I really give them the space and the questions that allow them to explore that within themselves. We don't often find ourselves in environments.
Especially in the life after infertility community where we are given resources that help us grow from this. So some of the things that came up when I was talking to my cohort about this was we defined, we went around and we talked about what connection means to us, and we came up with the decision That connection, feels belonging and a safe environment, a trusted environment, that it's reciprocal that the people that are in this environment have a sense of appreciation or respect for who you are in your story, in your journey. I also think it's important to understand that connection doesn't always have to be physical, like being in a huge environment of people. You can feel the most amazing sense of connection when you understand and feel connected to yourself. A lot of people don't talk about how to create that sense of connection with yourself.
I would arguably say, It is most important first to feel connected to yourself before you can go out and feel connected fully to others. So how can you do that? The most important part of feeling connected is understanding your story and when you feel connected to the story that you believe about yourself and your life after infertility and the journey that you went on and.
The result of your desire and your efforts to become a mom. If you understand what that story is that you tell, whether it's in your mind or whether you tell it verbally to someone that you meet, have you ever listened to that story? And when you hear that story, is that a story that you wanna feel connected to?
If you tell your story, I'd love for you to just even maybe after this podcast. Stop for a few minutes and out loud in front of a mirror. Tell your story, like imagine that you were meeting somebody that you haven't seen in a long time, and they knew that you went through fertility treatments or that you were going through them when you saw them last.
And imagine they asked you, did you ever become a mom? Or how did things end up with your fertility journey? Stop in front of a mirror and out loud to yourself. Tell yourself that story, how would you answer that and listen to that story, maybe even record it on your phone. I do a lot of this. I voice memo on my iPhone, and I record myself speaking when I have these moments that I wanna record and start to like, think about and analyze how they feel for me.
So when you tell your story out loud, do you like hearing that story? Does that story portray you in the version of you you aspire to be? And I think a lot of us think that we have to already be where we aspire to be in order to start telling a new story. And I want you to know that that is false. That the more you start telling the story from the sense of where you aspire to be, the more you will be that story. You'll no longer wanna cloud your mind with the feelings of defeat and the feelings of shame and the feelings of disappointment that you feel because you don't have the children you dreamed that you would. And when you start thinking about how you want to feel and who you wanna show up being in your future, and you start telling yourself that story and telling others.
That story about the version of you, and maybe it sounds something like, thanks for asking. We tried, but it didn't end up for us the way that we wanted. But, you know, I'm really proud of the commitment and the focus that I made to my dream of becoming a mom. And even though it didn't happen for us, I'm really committed.
To this future I have to create a life that I truly love and a life that I am actually thriving and feeling fulfilled even though I didn't have the children that I dreamed of. Okay, so that might sound too rosy for you right now, and that is okay. You're not delusional for thinking of this story or telling this story from a sense of being your future self.
I want you to know that this ability to connect with yourself may feel foreign in the beginning because of the way that we have just been conditioned to believe that you already have to have done or be someone before you can actually believe it's possible for you. So let me be the first person to tell you that connection and feeling connected to yourself and your story.
Even though the outcome has not changed, even though you still aren't a mom and won't be a mom, your outcome does not have to change for you to have a story that you love who you are, you love the role that you have played in your story, that you are proud of the woman you were through that journey.
I wanna offer you this opportunity to dream and dream about this connection that you have and these thousands of women that are waiting to meet someone just like you, and they're waiting to learn from someone just like you. So I love you. Have a beautiful week, and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning.
I'll talk to you next week.
we are just in the kickoff of National Infertility Awareness Week , this is something that I am very grateful for Because I think the conversation around infertility needs to be more abundant, and I think that there needs to be a broader understanding that infertility does not always end up with having a child, and that people who go through , fertility treatments don't always end up pregnant.
And that there's many roads to becoming a parent. And even if you have a child and you have secondary infertility, that there is still, an awareness and a love and compassion that needs to be had for folks in that community as well. As we get started this week, I wanted to chat a little bit about resolve, you know, the organization resolve.
If you haven't heard of Resolve, I would plan on following them. They have a lot of great awareness campaigns for women, who've, who are childless not by choice, or women who, have children after infertility treatments. And so basically their community comes together and talks about, enhancing public understanding that infertility needs and deserves attention on their website.
They always want to say that they want to ensure that people trying to build a family know the guidelines for seeing a specialist. And then how to educate lawmakers about how infertility impacts people in their state. So, I wanted to take their guidelines for National Infertility Awareness Week and sort of their mission and talk about that a little bit this week on the podcast.
Can we first start talking about. How infertility needs and deserves education. And I'd like to maybe just share a little bit about why this is so important to me and what drives me every week to come to the podcast and to share my story on the podcast. And, um, some of the successes that I see my students make when they're working with me in the Mastermind and really have more of a conversation around infertility.
And I know many people choose not to talk about infertility because it could be very, triggering for them, and I get that. But when I think about telling my story and why I choose to tell my story, I think about a young girl and I think about maybe a girl who's only five years old, 10 years old, and.
Is thinking about who she's gonna be when she grows up. And she has tied her future to becoming a mom, and she has tied her dreams for life, feeling complete, and feeling as though she's been successful as a woman, as she's thinking about that, I think about these young girls who need to know that you can be okay even if you didn't have the children you always dreamed of.
So when I think about. Girls like that, and the girls that need to know that life can still feel abundant and full. I tell my story because I want them to hear more examples and see more living and breathing examples of women who are out there loving life. And feeling proud of who they are and taking advantage of this life that they've been given despite not being moms.
So for me, that's one thing that is very important and I'd like to have you consider that as, as a consideration of whether you choose to share your story with somebody else. I know it takes a lot of courage, and I know it might be hard for you to. Even recount some of the things that you experienced when going through your fertility journey.
But when you think of it in that perspective, knowing that your story might be able to help somebody else create a life that feels easier to navigate whether they have children or not, I'd encourage that. And so the other thing I was, ensuring that people trying to build a family know the guidelines for seeing a specialist.
And this is another thing when I think about. What I went through, and I talk about this a lot, when I've been guested on podcasts and such. When people ask me to tell my story, it's very interesting, the lack of awareness I had that I should have even seen a specialist. , I got married when I was 35.
It was 37 when a friend of mine who by the way, went through I V F treatments and had her, her child or children via I V F. Because of her, my awareness was heightened that I should even go get a workup. So the more people that know that infertility exists and when. As we start to age, that our ability to conceive becomes greater.
I know it seems like second nature, like we know that, but when we're in it and we've lived a relatively healthy, life as far as like regular periods and no endometriosis, no P C O S, things like that, at least for me, I just thought. Yeah, my time would come and all of a sudden I'd get pregnant and pop out kids.
How about,, even freezing your eggs? I think that's a great option that we should be talking about, but we should also be talking about the potential that just because you freeze your eggs does not mean that they're actually going to fertilize and be healthy. So I think a lot of women. Are misinformed or maybe partially informed about the benefits of freezing your eggs.
And then the third thing is, is like talking to policy and lawmakers and letting them know that I V F should be covered regardless of what state you're in. And during my journey, I experienced this. So I work for a company that is based out in Massachusetts. And at the time that I was going through my treatment, Massachusetts did not offer. Any,, I V F cycles so because I was employed and my insurance was through an employer in Massachusetts, even though I lived in Illinois, I was not eligible.
So my husband is self-employed and he was on my insurance. So what we had to do, because we lived in Illinois and Illinois was one of the states that, um, I V F coverage, four cycles were covered. We had to get our own private healthcare plan, which if anyone has done that, is. Extraordinarily expensive, but we did the calculations financially that it was cheaper for us to pay out of the nose for this private plan for the two of us than it was to pay out of pocket for I V F.
So we need states to understand that women deserve this. I think it's. It's not a privilege, it's a right. Um, for us to have access to this care and to these treatments. I know, for example, friends that live in other countries, like it is automatically included. It's, there's no questions asked that they have reproductive treatments, um, as part of their benefits being citizens in other countries.
So I think it's very important that our employers. And our lawmakers are aware of what we need, and that's something that I've been doing in my corporate workplace is building awareness about A, how many women in the workplace are suffering with infertility, but also are we supporting them as employers?
Are we giving them the time off that they need? To go to doctor's appointments cuz you know as well as I do that oftentimes we don't even know until 12 hours before that we need to come in for a retrieval or a trigger shot or be home at a certain time so that we can get our medications. And I think it's important for our employers to know that we need to have flexibility in our schedules.
If we're going through any type of fertility treatments, also with miscarriage, how many of you have had a miscarriage and then been expected to show up to work the next day? We need lawmakers and we need our employers to understand that there needs to be some sort of special offering for time off for women seeking and going through fertility treatments.
And even for me, when I traveled to Colorado during our last couple rounds of I V F, I had to take P T O. To go and I had to pay out of pocket, stay in a hotel, airfares our meals while we were out there, and then take vacation days on top of that. So I think it's so important that if we tell our stories in our workplace, or to our lawmakers or to people who have some sort of influence that could get the word along for us, we will be serving ourselves and the women that are coming behind us in this community.
So I am thinking of all of you during National Infertility Awareness Week and know that your story matters, and that even though it might be hard to tell it to somebody, if you find it within you to tell it, I know that you will make a difference by sharing your experience. And, I just. I love you for finding the bravery to do so.
So have a beautiful week. Reach out if there is anything I can help out with this week. , also we have the other's day brunch. I also wanna remind you that if you're seeking connection and you wanna find some women around you that, Know what it feels like to feel lonely and isolated, either because you're childless, not by choice.
Maybe you've lost your mom, maybe you never had a mother figure in your life. So I wanted to invite you and let you know that you will have a place on May 13th in Chicago for the other's day brunch, and tell your friends. Even if you have something going on that weekend, share with your friends and let them know that if they're seeking connection, that they can have it with us on May 13th for the other's day brunch.
So have a beautiful week. I love you, and remember, it is never too late to discover your meeting and I'll talk to you next week.
we are just in the kickoff of National Infertility Awareness Week , this is something that I am very grateful for Because I think the conversation around infertility needs to be more abundant, and I think that there needs to be a broader understanding that infertility does not always end up with having a child, and that people who go through , fertility treatments don't always end up pregnant.
And that there's many roads to becoming a parent. And even if you have a child and you have secondary infertility, that there is still, an awareness and a love and compassion that needs to be had for folks in that community as well. As we get started this week, I wanted to chat a little bit about resolve, you know, the organization resolve.
If you haven't heard of Resolve, I would plan on following them. They have a lot of great awareness campaigns for women, who've, who are childless not by choice, or women who, have children after infertility treatments. And so basically their community comes together and talks about, enhancing public understanding that infertility needs and deserves attention on their website.
They always want to say that they want to ensure that people trying to build a family know the guidelines for seeing a specialist. And then how to educate lawmakers about how infertility impacts people in their state. So, I wanted to take their guidelines for National Infertility Awareness Week and sort of their mission and talk about that a little bit this week on the podcast.
Can we first start talking about. How infertility needs and deserves education. And I'd like to maybe just share a little bit about why this is so important to me and what drives me every week to come to the podcast and to share my story on the podcast. And, um, some of the successes that I see my students make when they're working with me in the Mastermind and really have more of a conversation around infertility.
And I know many people choose not to talk about infertility because it could be very, triggering for them, and I get that. But when I think about telling my story and why I choose to tell my story, I think about a young girl and I think about maybe a girl who's only five years old, 10 years old, and.
Is thinking about who she's gonna be when she grows up. And she has tied her future to becoming a mom, and she has tied her dreams for life, feeling complete, and feeling as though she's been successful as a woman, as she's thinking about that, I think about these young girls who need to know that you can be okay even if you didn't have the children you always dreamed of.
So when I think about. Girls like that, and the girls that need to know that life can still feel abundant and full. I tell my story because I want them to hear more examples and see more living and breathing examples of women who are out there loving life. And feeling proud of who they are and taking advantage of this life that they've been given despite not being moms.
So for me, that's one thing that is very important and I'd like to have you consider that as, as a consideration of whether you choose to share your story with somebody else. I know it takes a lot of courage, and I know it might be hard for you to. Even recount some of the things that you experienced when going through your fertility journey.
But when you think of it in that perspective, knowing that your story might be able to help somebody else create a life that feels easier to navigate whether they have children or not, I'd encourage that. And so the other thing I was, ensuring that people trying to build a family know the guidelines for seeing a specialist.
And this is another thing when I think about. What I went through, and I talk about this a lot, when I've been guested on podcasts and such. When people ask me to tell my story, it's very interesting, the lack of awareness I had that I should have even seen a specialist. , I got married when I was 35.
It was 37 when a friend of mine who by the way, went through I V F treatments and had her, her child or children via I V F. Because of her, my awareness was heightened that I should even go get a workup. So the more people that know that infertility exists and when. As we start to age, that our ability to conceive becomes greater.
I know it seems like second nature, like we know that, but when we're in it and we've lived a relatively healthy, life as far as like regular periods and no endometriosis, no P C O S, things like that, at least for me, I just thought. Yeah, my time would come and all of a sudden I'd get pregnant and pop out kids.
How about,, even freezing your eggs? I think that's a great option that we should be talking about, but we should also be talking about the potential that just because you freeze your eggs does not mean that they're actually going to fertilize and be healthy. So I think a lot of women. Are misinformed or maybe partially informed about the benefits of freezing your eggs.
And then the third thing is, is like talking to policy and lawmakers and letting them know that I V F should be covered regardless of what state you're in. And during my journey, I experienced this. So I work for a company that is based out in Massachusetts. And at the time that I was going through my treatment, Massachusetts did not offer. Any,, I V F cycles so because I was employed and my insurance was through an employer in Massachusetts, even though I lived in Illinois, I was not eligible.
So my husband is self-employed and he was on my insurance. So what we had to do, because we lived in Illinois and Illinois was one of the states that, um, I V F coverage, four cycles were covered. We had to get our own private healthcare plan, which if anyone has done that, is. Extraordinarily expensive, but we did the calculations financially that it was cheaper for us to pay out of the nose for this private plan for the two of us than it was to pay out of pocket for I V F.
So we need states to understand that women deserve this. I think it's. It's not a privilege, it's a right. Um, for us to have access to this care and to these treatments. I know, for example, friends that live in other countries, like it is automatically included. It's, there's no questions asked that they have reproductive treatments, um, as part of their benefits being citizens in other countries.
So I think it's very important that our employers. And our lawmakers are aware of what we need, and that's something that I've been doing in my corporate workplace is building awareness about A, how many women in the workplace are suffering with infertility, but also are we supporting them as employers?
Are we giving them the time off that they need? To go to doctor's appointments cuz you know as well as I do that oftentimes we don't even know until 12 hours before that we need to come in for a retrieval or a trigger shot or be home at a certain time so that we can get our medications. And I think it's important for our employers to know that we need to have flexibility in our schedules.
If we're going through any type of fertility treatments, also with miscarriage, how many of you have had a miscarriage and then been expected to show up to work the next day? We need lawmakers and we need our employers to understand that there needs to be some sort of special offering for time off for women seeking and going through fertility treatments.
And even for me, when I traveled to Colorado during our last couple rounds of I V F, I had to take P T O. To go and I had to pay out of pocket, stay in a hotel, airfares our meals while we were out there, and then take vacation days on top of that. So I think it's so important that if we tell our stories in our workplace, or to our lawmakers or to people who have some sort of influence that could get the word along for us, we will be serving ourselves and the women that are coming behind us in this community.
So I am thinking of all of you during National Infertility Awareness Week and know that your story matters, and that even though it might be hard to tell it to somebody, if you find it within you to tell it, I know that you will make a difference by sharing your experience. And, I just. I love you for finding the bravery to do so.
So have a beautiful week. Reach out if there is anything I can help out with this week. , also we have the other's day brunch. I also wanna remind you that if you're seeking connection and you wanna find some women around you that, Know what it feels like to feel lonely and isolated, either because you're childless, not by choice.
Maybe you've lost your mom, maybe you never had a mother figure in your life. So I wanted to invite you and let you know that you will have a place on May 13th in Chicago for the other's day brunch, and tell your friends. Even if you have something going on that weekend, share with your friends and let them know that if they're seeking connection, that they can have it with us on May 13th for the other's day brunch.
So have a beautiful week. I love you, and remember, it is never too late to discover your meeting and I'll talk to you next week.
I'm so excited to talk to you about something that comes up so often for those of us whose life ended up so differently than we thought it would, and that is connection. When you think about connection, what comes up for you?
Take a minute and just think about connection.
Does it mean someone understanding you? Does it mean someone looking like you?
Does it mean somebody's story that parallels yours?
Does it mean groups of people around you?
We all have our own definition of what feeling connected means and why it's important to us.
I'm going to focus this mostly today on that lack of connection women without children might feel in society. And why we feel disconnected. Why does somebody's story about their life and about their experiences make us feel so disconnected? And I'm going to first say, if you feel disconnected, you aren't.
I work with women every day, that are really struggling to understand, what they're all about.
What we've come to find out is a lot of the disconnection that we feel is because we feel disconnected from ourselves and who we are and who we thought we would be and what we thought our life would be like.
On today's episode, I want us to start thinking about what connection means to you and how you can go about seeking more of it for yourself. And I'm going to start with giving you my spoiler alert...connection, you might think, comes from others being around you and being immersed in a group of people cheering you on and supporting you might be a bigger definition of connection.
Connection starts with you.
Connection starts with understanding your story. And connection really takes shape when you feel connected to who you are and what you are and what you're here to do with your life and create with every day and every minute that you have available to you.
For those of us that wanted to be parents and wanted to be moms, it could feel very unfair that we have to do this work. And let me tell you that you don't have to do this. You don't have to seek connection. You don't have to understand what it is about you. That creates connection or desires, connection or exudes connection.
You don't have to do that, but if you are not interested in doing it or don't believe that it's fair that you have to do it, it's likely that you won't create connection for yourself. that's not to say it should be fun for you to roll up your sleeves and say, yes, I want to feel connected today.
It's seems like it's an undertaking, but when you do it, you're kind of like, Oh my gosh. Like it's, it's that easy to understand who I am and what I want and what I desire, and what people I want around me, and what are the things that I want to bring into my life.
A lot of us are ingrained to believe that we don't have a choice, we feel disconnected, and that's the way that women feel when they don't have kids, or we feel misunderstood. That it is a curse of being the only one in the room who doesn't have kids or who chose not to adopt or who chose not to do an egg donor.
We think that all these things are just handed to us and we don't have an option of how we want to sort through it. What I work on a lot is working with women like you who want something different. The women that I work with are:
I'm so excited to talk to you about something that comes up so often for those of us whose life ended up so differently than we thought it would, and that is connection. When you think about connection, what comes up for.
Take a minute and just think about connection. Does it mean someone understanding you? Does it mean someone looking like you? Does it mean somebody's story? Who parallels yours? Does it mean groups of people around you? I think we all have our own definition of what feeling connected means and why it's important to us.
I'm gonna focus this mostly today on that lack of connection. Women without children might feel in society. And why do we feel disconnected? Why does somebody's story about their life and about their experiences make us feel so disconnected? And I'm gonna first say, if you feel disconnected, you aren't.
I work with women every day, that are really struggling to understand, what they're all about. And what we've come to find out is a lot of the disconnection that we feel is because. We feel disconnected from ourselves and who we are and who we thought we would be and what we thought our life would be like.
on today's episode, I want us to start thinking about what connection means to you and how you can go about seeking more of it for yourself. And I'm gonna start with giving you my spoiler alert connection. You might think comes from others being around you and being immersed in a group of people cheering you on and supporting you.
And that might be a bigger definition of connection. But connection starts with you. Connection starts with understanding your story. And connection really takes shape when you feel connected to who you are and what you are and what you're here to do with your life and create with every day and every minute that you have available to you.
For those of us that wanted to be parents and wanted to be moms, it could feel very unfair that we have to do this work. And let me tell you that you don't have to do this. You don't have to seek connection. You don't have to understand what it is about you. That creates connection or desires, connection or exudes connection.
You don't have to do that, but if you are not interested in doing it or don't believe that it's fair that you have to do it, it's likely that you won't create connection for yourself. that's not to say it should be fun for you to roll up your sleeves and say, yes, I wanna feel connected today.
It's seems like it's an undertaking, but when you do it, you're kind of like, Oh my gosh. Like it's, it's that easy to understand who I am and what I want and what I desire, and what people I want around me, and what are the things that I want to bring into my life.
A lot of us are ingrained to believe that we don't have a choice, we feel disconnected, and that's the way that women feel when they don't have kids, or we feel misunderstood. And that's a curse of being the only one in the room who doesn't have kids or who chose not to adopt or who chose not to do an egg donor.
We think that all these things are just handed to us and we don't have an option of how we want to sort through it. What I work on a lot is working with women like you who want something d. The women that I work with are commonly used to being very high functioning. They're used to being successful.
They're used to knowing how to navigate things and then when this desire to become a mom didn't happen for us and our body did not produce a child that we thought would be easy for us to do, it couldn't be the first time in your life that you feel like, wow, this is as good as it's gonna.
Life's not gonna get better than this, or, gosh, I thought I'd have this full life and this is where it's at, I'm here to tell you that that does not have to be your truth. you can have a life that has you feeling connected and feeling uninhibited by meeting new people and seeking new things for yourself that you didn't even know existed, or finding new opportunities to.
Spend your time and grow yourself. It does not have to be a compensation prize for you not being able to have children. This could be the thing that truly drives you into discovering who you are at that core so that you can feel connected with this woman that you have been gifted to be. And yes, I say gifted because for so long I.
didn't see myself and my childlessness as a gift. I saw it as something that would have me feeling like the odd person out that would have me feeling that I was unlucky, that had me feeling that I did something wrong, or that my childlessness and my infertility and inability to have a child was in response to something that I did wrong a curse that had been put on me. I mean, how many people really think that childlessness is the curse? When you decide that childlessness or infertility, no, is not something that we necessarily went out and sought for ourselves. But when we realize what we can discover with this vessel of who we are, despite not being able to have children, that is the gift that can create connection for you. Let's talk about where that connection might exist for you. And a lot of it is listening to yourself and listening to others without judgment. It's easy to be offended by. People who come to work and talk about kid activities all the time, or people that complain about motherhood how terrible it is and that they didn't realize it would be this much work and da, da, da, da, da, whatever they say, not judging them for the way that they feel, but listening to yourself when you get this sense of disconnection from.
And I'm not telling you that you've gotta force yourself to stay connected with these people, but that's usually gonna be your indicator of where this disconnection is coming from and what story is going on in your mind that is causing these feelings of disconnection. And from there, once you understand why you're feeling disconnected, is it because you can't relate to them?
Is. That you're angry with them because they're telling you about something that's annoying to them, that you would do anything to have and start to understand why it is that we're allowing ourselves to believe that that is the only place that we can find connection to ourselves is if we would've been mobs.
So we're basically holding on to this notion that the only. Way that we would ever feel connected and evolved and fully present in our lives is if we weren't moms. But that is not our reality, and that is like the hugest spoiler alert. It's like so many of us want to remain trapped by this story of things that we don't have and these things that we couldn't have and these things that we tried to have and weren't able to.
It's hard to let go of that. I get it. I think that there's gonna always be moments in your life where you'll wonder what it would've been like or see a child and a mom interact, and look at that scene and say, I would've done anything to know what that feeling was like and what that connection was like with another human.
But that is not the connection that was intended for. And I know that it seems unfair to you, but what's more unfair is not going out and finding what does connect you. Where can you find people who get you? And where can you find people who tell a story and listen to your story and don't try to compromise for your story or theirs?
What I want you to understand is, Connection is what you create with yourself. Are you open to connection? Are you somebody who is going to put yourself into a situation to meet new people that you've never met? Like for example, I started a meetup group. If you're on the Meetup app, um, you're welcome to join my group.
It's Child Free and Childless Women on Meetup. And in this group you might go to an event. You're gonna walk in the doors and not know anybody. But if you are in a group of other people seeking that going anyway, and knowing that it's likely you're gonna find somebody who doesn't know anyone either, and maybe had that same anxiousness walking into the room, there you go. Like there's your opportunity to create connection. What does it mean to you? To have connection. Are you somebody that says yes to going out with a group of people that you don't feel connected to? Because you think going out creates connection for you, but really you can be in a sea of people and feel so alone and feel so isolated because you aren't connected to the people there.
So how can you create greater connections with others? How can you get to know people on a level that you feel connected to them, whether they have children or not. Maybe they don't wanna talk about their kids all the time, but they have this level of discomfort that that's the only thing that they can talk about that creates interest of them.
Can you find common ground with people? Even though they have children and even though their life looks so differently than yours does, and have this level of connection with somebody and feel good about who you are, and maybe it's an intellectual, something that you're connected to. Maybe it's an education that you're connected to.
Maybe it's a passion for human rights or maybe it's a passion for a certain topic or subject, or maybe it's religion or a study that you're doing. And even though you don't line up in your parenthood path, maybe you have these other things that bring you together and it doesn't matter that they go home and take care of kids and you go home and have a.
Or a partner that is in your life and fills your home. If you allow yourself to go into something and say, you know what, I'm interested in creating connection. And that connection begins with knowing that your story can be different from somebody else's and still be so meaningful. I'm thinking about that now with like Mother's Day.
Like, how many of you have seen ads popping? About Mother's Day. I just had someone message me the other day that they were in Alta and saw Mother's Day signs all over Alta, or I was on the nike.com app ordering a pair of shoes and there was all of a sudden like all the stuff about Mother's Day. I could have I told myself a story of like how terrible my life is because I'm not being celebrated, but instead I created the other.
I decided to create connection for women who might be feeling isolated. So are you somebody who's gonna say, I'm going to seek that connection for myself? I know that Mother's Day is gonna be hard, I'm gonna go to Lana's event in Chicago, or I'm gonna go to one of the ambassador events in Texas or Kentucky or Washington State.
We have ambassador events going on all over, but are you somebody who. Going to put yourself out there and seek connection and feel connected. Because when you put yourself in a place where you are seeking it, that means that you're open to it and you are more willing to let connection flow to you instead of repelling it.
And if you're in a place right now where you're seeking. I can help you. Let me know, message me. I will help brainstorm with you and find opportunities to become more connected in your daily life and with people who maybe you don't even realize are out there seeking the same connection as you. I just really want you to know that connection begins with you and it's being connected to this story that you're telling you about.
And the story you're telling you what's possible for you or what's not possible for you, and are you allowing the chatter in your brain about how different you are from everyone and how your story is so much more tragic than other people's? Are you allowing that story to be louder? Than the story of desire to share common love with each other and for each other and to appreciate differences and to find compassion for somebody who's complaining about having a sleepless night when they get to work the next day and not being mad at them for sharing that story because it's about a child and you don't have that.
So connection is something that I think is so important and. When you start to seek connection and find connection with who you are inside of you, there's boundless opportunities for you to continue having connection in your daily life and in your workplace, and. With your friends that have kids, and when the stories come up that you feel like you have no relation to, that you can still sit there and not feel so violated because you're so connected with who you are and what you are, and what your purpose is on this earth.
So have a beautiful week. I love you. And remember, it's never too late to discover your meeting. I'll talk to you next.
Used to being very high functioning.
They're used to being successful.
They're used to knowing how to navigate things and then when this desire to become a mom didn't happen for us and our body did not produce a child that we thought would be easy for us to do.
It could be the first time in your life that you feel like, wow, this is as good as it's going to get?.
Life's not going to get better than this?
Or, gosh, I thought I'd have this full life and this is where it's at?
I'm here to tell you that that does not have to be your truth.
You can have a life that has you feeling connected and feeling uninhibited by meeting new people and seeking new things for yourself that you didn't even know existed, or finding new opportunities to spend your time and grow yourself.
It does not have to be a compensation prize for you not being able to have children. This could be the thing that truly drives you into discovering who you are at that core so that you can feel connected with this woman that you have been gifted to be. And yes, I say GIFTED because for so long...
I didn't see myself and my childlessness as a gift. I saw it as something that would have me feeling like the odd person out that would have me feeling that I was unlucky, that had me feeling that I did something wrong, or that my childlessness and my infertility and inability to have a child was in response to something that I did wrong a curse that had been put on me. I mean, how many people really think that childlessness is the curse? When you decide that childlessness or infertility, no, is not something that we necessarily went out and sought for ourselves. But when we realize what we can discover with this vessel of who we are, despite not being able to have children, that is the gift that can create connection for you. Let's talk about where that connection might exist for you. And a lot of it is listening to yourself and listening to others without judgment. It's easy to be offended by. People who come to work and talk about kid activities all the time, or people that complain about motherhood how terrible it is and that they didn't realize it would be this much work and da, da, da, da, da, whatever they say, not judging them for the way that they feel, but listening to yourself when you get this sense of disconnection from.
And I'm not telling you that you've got to force yourself to stay connected with these people, but that's usually going to be your indicator of where this disconnection is coming from and what story is going on in your mind that is causing these feelings of disconnection. And from there, once you understand why you're feeling disconnected, is it because you can't relate to them?
Is. That you're angry with them because they're telling you about something that's annoying to them, that you would do anything to have and start to understand why it is that we're allowing ourselves to believe that that is the only place that we can find connection to ourselves is if we would've been mobs.
So we're basically holding on to this notion that the only way we would ever feel connected and evolved and fully present in our lives is if we we're moms. But that is not our reality, and that is like the hugest spoiler alert. It's like so many of us want to remain trapped by this story of things that we don't have and these things that we couldn't have and these things that we tried to have and weren't able to.
It's hard to let go of that. I get it. I think that there's going to always be moments in your life where you'll wonder what it would've been like or see a child and a mom interact, and look at that scene and say, I would've done anything to know what that feeling was like and what that connection was like with another human.
But that is not the connection that was intended for.
I know that it seems unfair to you, but what's more unfair is not going out and finding what does connect you. Where can you find people who get you? And where can you find people who tell a story and listen to your story and don't try to compromise for your story or theirs?
What I want you to understand is, Connection is what you create with yourself. Are you open to connection? Are you somebody who is going to put yourself into a situation to meet new people that you've never met? Like for example, I started a meetup group. If you're on the Meetup app, um, you're welcome to join my group.
It's Child Free and Childless Women on Meetup. And in this group you might go to an event. You're gonna walk in the doors and not know anybody. But if you are in a group of other people seeking that going anyway, and knowing that it's likely you're gonna find somebody who doesn't know anyone either, and maybe had that same anxiousness walking into the room, there you go. Like there's your opportunity to create connection. What does it mean to you? To have connection. Are you somebody that says yes to going out with a group of people that you don't feel connected to? Because you think going out creates connection for you, but really you can be in a sea of people and feel so alone and feel so isolated because you aren't connected to the people there.
So how can you create greater connections with others? How can you get to know people on a level that you feel connected to them, whether they have children or not. Maybe they don't wanna talk about their kids all the time, but they have this level of discomfort that that's the only thing that they can talk about that creates interest of them.
Can you find common ground with people? Even though they have children and even though their life looks so differently than yours does, and have this level of connection with somebody and feel good about who you are, and maybe it's an intellectual, something that you're connected to. Maybe it's an education that you're connected to.
Maybe it's a passion for human rights or maybe it's a passion for a certain topic or subject, or maybe it's religion or a study that you're doing. And even though you don't line up in your parenthood path, maybe you have these other things that bring you together and it doesn't matter that they go home and take care of kids and you go home and have a.
Or a partner that is in your life and fills your home. If you allow yourself to go into something and say, you know what, I'm interested in creating connection. And that connection begins with knowing that your story can be different from somebody else's and still be so meaningful. I'm thinking about that now with like Mother's Day.
Like, how many of you have seen ads popping? About Mother's Day. I just had someone message me the other day that they were in Alta and saw Mother's Day signs all over Alta, or I was on the nike.com app ordering a pair of shoes and there was all of a sudden like all the stuff about Mother's Day. I could have I told myself a story of like how terrible my life is because I'm not being celebrated, but instead I created the other.
I decided to create connection for women who might be feeling isolated. So are you somebody who's going to say, I'm going to seek that connection for myself? I know that Mother's Day is going to be hard, I'm going to go to Lana's event in Chicago, or I'm going to go to one of the ambassador events in Texas or Kentucky or Washington State.
We have ambassador events going on all over, but are you somebody who. Going to put yourself out there and seek connection and feel connected. Because when you put yourself in a place where you are seeking it, that means that you're open to it and you are more willing to let connection flow to you instead of repelling it.
And if you're in a place right now where you're seeking. I can help you. Let me know, message me. I will help brainstorm with you and find opportunities to become more connected in your daily life and with people who maybe you don't even realize are out there seeking the same connection as you. I just really want you to know that connection begins with you and it's being connected to this story that you're telling you about.
And the story you're telling you what's possible for you or what's not possible for you, and are you allowing the chatter in your brain about how different you are from everyone and how your story is so much more tragic than other people's? Are you allowing that story to be louder than the story of desire to share common love with each other and for each other and to appreciate differences and to find compassion for somebody who's complaining about having a sleepless night when they get to work the next day and not being mad at them for sharing that story because it's about a child and you don't have that.
So connection is something that I think is so important and. When you start to seek connection and find connection with who you are inside of you, there's boundless opportunities for you to continue having connection in your daily life and in your workplace, and With your friends that have kids, and when the stories come up that you feel like you have no relation to, that you can still sit there and not feel so violated because you're so connected with who you are and what you are, and what your purpose is on this earth.
So have a beautiful week. I love you. And remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
I know a lot of you have been following along on my journey of applying for a new job at work and taking my career in a bit of a different direction.
Since my fertility journey ended, I felt like I was a little bit stuck in where I was in my workspace, and so back in September. A new position opened at work. I applied for it, it got put on hold, opened up again in January and I started the interview process in January and it was about a two-month process.
From what I've am told, a lot of talented people applied for the job and I did not get selected. And that's okay. I know I'm hearing all of you be like, ah, yes, I was disappointed. And yes, it took me a few days to sort of process the news, but it was really important for me to come on here today and talk to you this week about how we process things when they don't go in our.
We are no stranger to things not going in our favor. Especially if you're childless not by choice, or you've gone through fertility treatments and not have had the child that you always dreamed you would. It's really important for me to talk about how we process and what we make, not achieving the things that are so important to us, what we make that mean about.
And what we make that mean about our efforts, what we make that mean about our worthiness, what we make that mean about the next time we choose to or choose not to go forward in the acquisition of, or maybe even the achievement of something. Had I not worked with a coach and had I not gone through the tools that I teach in my own coaching community and teach to my students, I think that I would not have been in a place to receive this information and be at a point in understanding that this just was not my job.
This was not the job. My next step was intended to go in. If you have gone through the processing of what your journey is going to be like, if you're not a mom, you might be struggling with this. So I'm gonna talk today about some of the things that I work with in my community and some of the things that I work.
With my students and even some things that have recently come up on some our classes of things that we've been working through. Let's first identify with what it's like to not be a mom. Knowing that that door has closed for us, or that chapter of our life is not gonna go like we thought it would.
Can we just agree that that was not. The chapter for us, can we just agree that motherhood might not have been something that we were intended to have in our life? And how do we want that ending to the story? How do we want that ending to write the next beginning? Okay. So really think about that. If this thing happened, And we weren't able to achieve that goal of motherhood.
How do we want that realization and that factual information to create the thoughts and the beliefs that we want to have about ourself? How do we want that reality? What feelings do we want that reality to create for us? And what actions do we want to take knowing that parent? Is not gonna be part of our future.
It might be easy to reach for things like, I never get what I want, or I try and things don't work out the way that I want them to. It's very easy to reach for those things that create a victimhood mentality for us, that have us feeling like nothing. Attainable for us. And if you're there it is. Okay?
There is absolutely no judgment if you are finding yourself going for those things. Why does everything have to be so hard for me? Why don't I ever get what I want? Why is it so easy for other people, but never easy for me? Reaching for that is normal, but it doesn't have to be your truth. What can you find?
In your journey that can point to a person that you're proud of or a person who maybe is, yearning to grow and maybe a person that is able to try things and them not end up in the position or in the resolution that you thought it should. And what do you want to make that mean about you?
It's very easy to point blame and fault others for the things that you don't have, but when you can introspectively look at yourself and still love yourself, and still be proud of yourself, that you try things and proud of yourself. You Make it through things and look at yourself in the mirror and know that you tried your best and not make it mean that you weren't good enough or that you weren't smart enough, or that you didn't try hard enough, or that you ate the wrong thing during a cycle, that you were the cause of something not turning out the way.
In your mind should have turned out. If you can look at yourself and say, I tried everything that I could, I did everything that was asked of me. I prayed as hard as I could. I sought resources from the best doctors or from the best therapist or from the best practitioners, and even though I did all of that, And it didn't turn out the way that I thought it should.
I can still know that I did everything that was available to me. As long as we tell ourselves that we didn't try hard enough or there was still something left on the table that we should have tried, then our mind is always going to continue to find reason that we have played a role in the wrongdoing of so.
And that is not a happy place to be. Maybe you can look at something and say, had I tried this again? Or if I try this again, or if I interview for a job again, maybe I'm gonna try this next time. I wonder what would happen if I try this next time, or if I allow myself to still be proud of who I am, even though the goal I was going after.
I did not achieve in the way that I wanted to. Can you look at things and say, maybe I learned through this process that parenthood, or being a mom maybe isn't the only thing that's gonna give me joy. Or maybe being a mom or becoming a a mom isn't the only thing that is gonna give me purpose in my life.
Cuz I think a lot of us have associated. Our achievement of motherhood or our inability to become moms as being the thing that is holding us back from finding our purpose and finding our pride and finding our happiness in our life is solely caught up into that being a mob. So if we allow ourselves to say, I've tried.
I really did. I gave it all my effort. I did everything that I was asked to do, and even though I did all those things and I wasn't able to become a mom, I've decided today that I wanna start believing that I am worthy of happiness. I wanna start believing that my life can have purpose and that I can create a legacy that I'm gonna start living today, even though motherhood wasn't part of my.
So whether it's the job that I went after and I didn't achieve, or the motherhood that you're trying to work through, deciding what it's gonna mean for your future if you decide that you can love yourself and be proud of yourself. And still know that no matter what is ahead of you, you can look at yourself in the mirror and not judge yourself and not tell yourself that you aren't worthy of something.
If you look at yourself and tell yourself, I love you anyway. I know you wanted this. I know you thought that this was gonna be your mission, and I know you thought that this was gonna be your purpose and this was gonna be the legacy that you created, but even though you didn't, I'm still gonna be here for you.
I'm still gonna love you. I'm still gonna try to find opportunities for you to find that path or for you to discover what it is that you really want to accomplish with your life. And I'm not gonna desert you. I'm gonna be here for you, and I'm gonna still help you fact find, and I'm gonna help you search and reach out and find new reasons to wake up every day feeling proud of yourself.
If you talk to yourself in that sense, you'll start to see that there's not this anxiousness that you're disappointing yourself all the time. If you've decided that I'm not gonna allow myself to be disappointed by who I am, and I'm not gonna allow myself to be disappointed.
What innately makes you up. Just decide today that you wanna find more reasons to love that version of you and not sabotage that version of you. And you don't wanna point fingers at who you are and, what you innately are. And maybe you still wanna improve upon things and that's okay.
But when you give yourself joy and this ability to just get curious. It doesn't feel as though you're so worried to feel these things, and maybe you wanna feel disappointment without feeling judgment and allow yourself to feel disappointment. I allowed myself to be disappointed when I found out that this job that I thought was gonna be my magic wand and this story that I could carry on of like, oh my gosh, I triumphed.
I had all this disappointment and all this failure that was set forth in my mind about who I was as a woman, and I would've loved to come tell you that I got this job, but I didn't get the job. And what I do with that information is, Carve that next path for me, and it's gonna allow me to go after more things because the more reasons that I show myself that I am worthy of continuing to seek and that I survived another no in my life.
And the more I survived my nose and the more I create light and goodness from this place. I used to think was rejection allows me to just wake up every day and not be scared of not achieving and not point fingers at this version of Lana that I think should be better or should know how to do better.
When you allow yourself to wake up every day and say, I'm gonna love you, regardless of whether you achieved what you thought you would achieve. I'm gonna love you. Even if you don't become a mom, I'm gonna love you, even though you didn't have the children you always dreamed of. When you give yourself that support and you give yourself this sense of backing for yourself, you'll come to realize that you don't need.
Others to cheer you on all the time when you have yourself to cheer yourself on, and there's this sense of support that you create for yourself. You'll notice yourself just standing taller and being stronger and being fulfilled by who you are because you know that regardless of your outcome, you'll stand by yourself.
So I hope you think about that this week as you start. To stretch yourself and start to put yourself in situations where the outcome might not end up where you thought it would, and just allow your, your journey to motherhood to be your beacon that you still survived. You're still here with us. You're still here to tell your story, and it's up to you how you want to tell that.
How do you want to tell your story? What do you want people to know about you, even though you weren't able to achieve the things that you thought would be so easy for you? Think about that this week, and I also wanna remind you that the other's day is almost a month away. I can't believe that it's almost here.
For those of you that have purchased your tickets for the event in Chicago this is going to be amazing. I wanna tell you, all right now, the great things that I have for you, but I just don't wanna do a spoiler alert, but it's gonna be more grand than you ever imagined. We have our ambassadors in place. We already have our ambassador down in Dallas. We have an ambassador in Kentucky.
We've got other ambassadors in the process of setting up their events. So if you're unable to travel to Chicago and you want to still be part of the other's day brunch, Reach out to me. Let me know where you are. Let me know if you wanna be an ambassador. I would love for more women to stand and raise their hands and open their hearts on May 13th and help women join each other and create an environment where women can just show up and share a cup of coffee, or maybe share a brunch with other women and just feel supported.
If you're seeking connection and don't wanna be an ambassador, I'm hoping that you'll reach out and maybe I can connect you with some other women in the area that can hold the space for you and love you and support you on a day or a weekend that used to feel so hard for you.
Lana mankowski.com/others day is where you can find all the information about our local event, or you can DM me and I will make sure that we find a space for you on the other's day. So have a beautiful week. I love you, and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
One more week of creating connection. One more week to find more women. Who I have just been searching for a community to join after finding out that they can't become a mom.
Know that I come here every week with so much excitement in my heart and so much desire to really create that connection that I so wanted at this point where you might be in your journey know that you're not alone, and know that if you are just finding connection for the first time, you're not too late to get into a point in your life where you can truly thrive and feel fulfilled even though you didn't have the children that you always dream.
Beth. before we get started, I want to let you know that tickets for the others day brunch are on sale. I'm just floored by the amount of tickets that we have sold already and how many people who bought tickets this year that came last year, which is just proof that this is an event that is like no other in an opportunity to create connections with women who are feeling lost or sadness or disconnection around the Mother's Day holiday.
Maybe it's because they weren't able to have the children that they always dreamed of. Or maybe you're missing your mom this year. Maybe you can't be with your mom this year, or maybe you never had a mother figure in your life. If that is you, the other's day brunch is going on in Chicago on May 13th from noon until 3:00 PM Central Time.
Catered by one of Chicago's premier chefs. All you have to do is show. and be ready to have an awesome, awesome three hours. And who knew that the day before Mother's Day, you could actually not be wanting to be curled up on a blanket on the sofa in your bed, feeling isolated.
All these things that we have spent way too much time feeling because we were not able to have the children we always dreamed of. I hope that you can join. Tickets are on sale at lanamankowski.com/othersday. Or if you go into my stories, on Instagram, you can probably find a lot of information there because my assistance are out there.
Just trying to create as much awareness for you so that you can have a beautiful year this year around Mother's Day. I'm gonna transition a little bit about something that has been coming up with my students and folks that I have been talking to outside of my coaching community who are feeling very overwhelmed by how fast life seems to be going.
And I don't mean the days, I don't mean the years when you look on a calendar, but I mean all these things that are going on in life. Are creating this feeling for you that you just always need to catch up. That there's always just something more for you to do. Something that at the end of the day, there's just one more thing that you're thinking I wish I would have done.
There's just a heightened level of feeling, of just chasing your tail. Like chasing yourself in circles and just feeling like you're not caught up. And so many people have been experiencing this, and so I thought I would talk about it this week on episode 79 of the podcast. So if you can relate, tune right in.
Let's talk about how we can slow things down for ourselves in our minds so that we're not always, and you're not always feeling like you are constantly. Fearing that you might drop the ball on something or that you might not get that one thing done that you thought was so important to do and, and you lay in bed at night and you think, oh my gosh, I've gotta remember to do that first thing in the morning.
And then first thing in the morning comes, and then the whole flurry of other things shows up for you. So I'm gonna offer you some opportunity to maybe create a little sense of calmness. In your life by doing these few things it is something that has really, really been helpful for me . I don't know if it's increased connection because of this new cellular era that you're always on your phone or you're always accessible or you're always maybe checking work emails and there's always something that's coming into your mind and adding on to your to-do.
When you wake up in the morning, I'm gonna give you a few pointers of what you might be able to do to create a little bit of clarity for yourself. This is something I call a brain dump. When you do a brain dump in the morning, you are getting everything out of your mind onto a piece of paper that has to be done.
Now you can do this daily. Some people might wanna start out doing this weekly. And when you get all these things out of your mind and onto paper, you're giving yourself in your brain just a little bit of breathing room, and your brain doesn't need to constantly feel like it's in high stress mode because you might forget something because what you're doing is writing it down and you're giving the brain some opportunity to release this grasp.
It has on this task that it's afraid that you might. , and now that it's on paper, you might not feel as much anxiousness about remembering all those things. Find five minutes every morning and just brain dump all the things that have been looming, either from yesterday or the day before or something that you woke up thinking or maybe looked at your calendar and thought, oh, I gotta remember to do this before this meeting, or I have to remember to call this person, or I have to remember.
To buy a birthday present or send a birthday card for this person. So literally, it doesn't have to be just work things or a specific genre of things. It could just be anything that is looming in your mind when you write it down. It's giving yourself a little bit of freedom to let go of that thought.
And then you're gonna go through the list and you're gonna choose three things. What are three things that are imperative that you accomplish? Could be anything, could be one of the easiest things or one of the things that you've been putting off because it's been taking a lot of brain power.
Circle those things. Make sure that those are the things that you prioritize first thing for the day, and that you make sure that no matter what happens when you close up for the day or go to bed for the night, you can confidently have chosen three things to have finished off your list. and you're gonna start to create evidence for yourself that if you let your mind breathe by putting these tasks out on paper and you pick just three things, simple to complex up to you, and you prove to yourself every day that you're able to accomplish at least three things, your mind is gonna start to feel less clogged with things to.
You're gonna stop feeling like you're always in this circle of worrying that you're gonna forget something or worried that you might drop the ball on something or that something that was so important you just had to do, you won't have to worry about forgetting these things because you're doing a daily check-in with yourself.
Then at the end of the day, take a look at your list. , you know that you accomplished those three things. If you're anything like me, you might like to check it off your list or put a, a line through it just to say it's done and then look at the other things. Maybe without even thinking, have accomplished more things on your list.
So start to cross those things off and then decide what do you wanna keep on your list for? So before you go to bed for the night, or before you say close down your computer or your laptop for the day, start to create your list for tomorrow. Take anything that you didn't get to that was on that list today and put it on tomorrow's list.
And then when you wake up in the morning, your brain is gonna not be in panic mode to have to remember a huge laundry list because you're just gonna have this continuous. that is ever changing and ever growing and diminishing and allowing you to feel accomplished because you're gonna have some sort of plan for yourself.
So if you're feeling very overwhelmed, I recommend you take this practice and maybe start by doing it twice a week, once a week, whatever feels comfortable for you. But when you start somewhere and start to build evidence for yourself, you'll see it's not really that. and that your body can finally feel like it can breathe again because definitely there are so many of my students who are feeling very overwhelmed right now and just feeling like there's just this whirlwind of things to. I appreciate that. There are days that I feel that way too, and I love that I have these opportunities to share these practices with you that you can try in your own daily life.
And I truly wanna know what did you think about it? Was it helpful to you? Let me know. I, loved getting comments, in dms. I. Getting reviews about the podcast, how does it help you? What do you wanna hear more of? What do you need to hear more of in order to create a life that you can thrive and feel fulfilled even though you didn't have the children you always dreamed of?
So, have a beautiful week. Know that I love you. Don't forget to get your tickets to the other's day, May 13th. And remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
I'm so glad that you chose to come back again and listen to another episode of the podcast. It goes without saying that. The more opportunity I have to reach other women who might be struggling or might be feeling alone or feeling like they don't have a place in the world or not welcomed in their workplace, in their church, in their families because they don't have children.
That's what drives me every week to come back here and share another episode of the podcast with. So thank you for listening. If you have an opportunity to review the podcast wherever you're listening to this. Maybe if you've joined my new YouTube channel, maybe it's on YouTube, and I'm asking if you would write a review.
Share your thoughts about how this podcast has maybe offered you a different perspective about what your life can be, even though you didn't have the children you always dreamed of. My mission in my life, is to help women know that they can thrive and feel fulfilled even if we didn't have the children that we always dreamed of. So let's just get into the nitty gritty of this week's topic. This is something that has come up quite a bit with my students and something that I too have worked on, and it's learning how to love people around you and people that are in your life, whether they show or distribute, or provide you the support and the love and the encouragement.
That you think that they should and maybe it stems back another example could. if you're arguing with someone and somebody acts in a certain way, and of course with parameters, like not being accepting of someone's abuse or physical violence or anything like that. But if somebody says something to you that you are not in alignment with or. Believing is true or correct or the right thing to say to you.
You might find yourself saying, well, of course I have to be pissed at them or not speaking to them, or cut them out of my life. That's just what you're supposed to do. So on this week's episode of the podcast, I wanna talk about how to love somebody. and them not having any relevance into whether you love them or not.
This is something I heard this concept of, I'm gonna love you and there's nothing that you can do about it. So if my students are listening, they have heard me talk about this and how much this has even impacted my life in so many levels. So let's just think. How we automatically go to a reaction as something that we are supposed to do.
There is a choice every day that we have as to whether we want to be. Loving and, acknowledging that somebody might have a view that differs from ours and we can love them.
And loving them doesn't mean that we have to like want to hug them and put our arms around them and tell 'em that they are the best person. But loving someone could just be acknowledging that they are entitled to have an opinion that might differ from yours. There is this level of freedom I have found and the students that I've been working with.
I mean, it's just like this mind blowing moment where you're like, wow, I could actually not have to be mad at someone. I could actually not have to argue with someone if their opinion differs from mine. I can actually let someone. do something that I don't think is the best decision for them to do in their life and sleep at night.
Knowing that I love them and there's nothing that they can do about it. There's such emotional freedom in this life that we have felt so burdened by emotions to be able to make a conscious decision in your. And to cognitively allow yourself to not be angry at someone or not have to prove someone wrong or tell the whole world how awful someone is.
There is such this liberation of your energy. If you can allow people to be who they are and treat themselves and their time and their energy, and. Their preservation of their being and let them go on doing those things and still love them. There is so much to be said about the freedom that this allows you to love yourself and have more moments in the day that you are focusing on the things that bring you.
and the things that are nourishing you instead of constantly being worried and upset by the things that others are not taking advantage of in their life. I know you might be listening to this and saying, but I'm not a good person if I don't care about what they're doing or I don't try to change their mind.
And certainly I'm not telling you not to show up for people and not to be a support to somebody who is seeking it, but there are so many. Opportunities that we give away in our life to live in harmony with ourselves because we're so upset by how someone isn't caring for themselves or how someone isn't living up to their best ability, or that somebody is mad at us and we just can't sleep at night knowing that somebody doesn't think we are the best person in the world.
Maybe sometimes we have to allow people to be wrong about us, or maybe we have to allow them to make decisions in their life that we might not see as the right decisions for them, but in every opportunity that we allow them to live their life and we continue to love them, whether it's the thing that we agree with or we don't.
We can allow them to go on their path and maybe there's a major life lesson that has been chosen for them that they would never have discovered if they did not make this decision or if they didn't have the opportunity to realize something on their own and maybe we aren't the one that is always going to be their beacon of clarity.
So as we think about how we're approaching our relationships, our friendships, even in your marriage, I mean, there's times when Jack and I will get in a in a qual and we'll, I'll get so mad at him, and I look at him and I just am thinking in my head, I love you. and there is nothing you can do about it.
I am gonna look at my partner who, we're human. Of course. We get in annoying bickering matches with our partners and of course there's times when I look at him and I'm like, uh, I would love to just like poke you as hard as I can. . And instead I'm like, you know what?
I'm gonna preserve myself and I am just gonna love you. Cuz you might have had the worst day today. You might have had someone come in complaining in the office and you didn't feel like talking about it when you came home and you just wanted to internalize it. And you might have taken it out on me, but I'm gonna love you anyway and even if you're short with me and.
Let the person just be who they are and let them sometimes get something off of their chest. And not always have to be reactionary back to them.
And of course, again, I'm just gonna reinforce that doesn't mean letting someone abuse you. Of course, I want you to stand up for yourself, but think about how many times in your day there are things that go on. that you are just so upset about and you can't believe this person would say that, or you can't believe this person would ask you why you didn't adopt, or you can't believe that somebody would ask you how many kids that you have.
People do these things and you can love them even if you don't agree with them. I'll leave you with that. This. And I also wanted to tell you that if you are getting anxious, like so many women I know are about Mother's Day coming upon us here in just under two months, the tickets are now available for the other's day.
And if you hadn't heard me talk about the other's day, it is an event that I created. For women like us who are feeling loss or sadness around Mother's Day, maybe it's because you never had kids. Maybe it's because you lost a child. Maybe it's because you don't have a relationship with a mom in your life.
And for that reason, I am hosting. An event that is gonna be absolutely the most beautiful three hours that you have spent on a May afternoon right before Mother's Day. It's gonna be on May 13th. I'm hosting here in Chicago. I have a professional caterer. The space that we're gonna be in is gonna be absolutely magical and beautiful, and you can come up showing up just as you are.
You don't have to tell people why you're feeling lost or sadness around Mother's Day. You can just show up and know that you'll be loved and supported and amongst other women who want to be supported on this same day. , if you're not able to travel to Chicago, and this sounds like something you want to be part of.
We do have an ambassador program. I have a whole booklet for you of how you can plan your own event, the tools I have used to plan my events in the past, I love planning events. I love hosting, so this is just like so my jam. So if you live somewhere outside of Chicago and want to get.
Women together or be one of my ambassadors, I would love for you to apply for my ambassador program. There is absolutely no charge to do it. We just are trying to spread the word and let women know regardless of where they are, this Mother's Day, that there is a group of women that love them and support them and feel them and we'll be there for them.
Let me know if you're interested in that. You can also go to my website, lana mankowski.com/others day, or you can reach me on DM or on email. So either way, I would love to invite you to know that you're loved and, and supported and held this Mother's Day. So join us May 13th for the other's day brunch.
It will be the best three hours you have ever chosen to spend the day before Mother's Day. So have a beautiful week. I love you, and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
St.
Patrick's Day is always historically such a celebration. And where we live in the city was kind of like in the height of everything that was going on. On my morning thrive after infertility mastermind call with our Saturday cohort. And I was looking at the window and the parade route was assembling; people were buzzing through the city with green on.
Jack came home from running some errands and I was like, we need to go out and celebrate St. Patrick's Day, so we got Coco dressed up, ready to go, and we had an absolute blast walking through the city, seeing the river turn green, the people just coming in droves, the bars and the pubs were alive, and everyone just seems so happy.
I don't take that for granted. For a long time after finding out that I couldn't become a mom, I had this relationship with my free time that I was almost angry at it because I really wanted to have a life that I was like busy doing kid stuff and I didn't have that, so when I had this free time to be free and enjoy my life and enjoy this journey. I didn't really come to a healthy relationship with it, but I am at that point now thanks to coaching and the amazing work that I have done with my life coach and really started to embrace the ability that I have to look out a window, wanna be part of something, get dressed and go out and be part of it.
If that's something that you crave, but you find yourself having . of. Relationship with your free time, that it feels almost more suffocating than it does welcoming. I want to just acknowledge that, that that is real. It is possible to have that feeling about not knowing what to do with your time and wishing that your time was more scheduled because you wanted to have kids and you wanted to be the mom that would cart kids around on a Saturday, to soccer, to dance, to all these things that we thought were going to be part of our lives.
And because they aren't, , it doesn't mean that you can't enjoy your free time. You just might need a little bit of help from a coach, from somebody who has been down your path, and I would so love to be that person for you. So let's transition today to a topic that might be very sensitive. For you to listen to and sensitive for you to put your arms around, and I want to first tell you that this is not something that might ever become easy for you to do, but I like to talk about the stuff that is challenging for us and the things that I have seen myself go through, the things that I see my students bring up in class during the Mastermind, or if we're in a one-on-one session, and I want to just let you know and hear it from me that nothing is wrong with you if you find yourself.
Sitting in a group of people, maybe it's at work, maybe you have somebody in your workplace who is pregnant, maybe somebody who complains. about how terrible their morning sickness is, or annoyed at how swollen their legs become because they're eight months pregnant, and how hard it is to sleep and move around and you're listening to that conversation and just wanting to curl up in a ball because all you ever wanted was to know what that feeling was like. Maybe you find yourself going out with friends with kids and you so looked forward to your girls' night. Or to your brunch together and everything seems fine, then the conversation's going, and then things start to turn all about kid stuff, and you find yourself feeling like you've got nothing to say, and so then there's this awkward moment where you feel like you need to chime in. and you want to feel like you're part of the conversation, and so something comes outta your mouth and then you think to yourself, why did I even say that?
I sound so silly for even bringing something like that up. People probably think I'm weird, so let's just acknowledge that that happens and there are times when you feel so disconnected from the conversation and you feel as though people should know. How could people that know what you went through even think about having this conversation in front of you?
The sad reality is those conversations aren't going anywhere. And maybe you are lucky and you've never been put in that, in that situation. And that is totally fine. But keep listening cuz there might be a time when you have this awkward moment where you feel. So violated and feels so misunderstood and unloved because you couldn't imagine that somebody who knows your story and knows the journey that you've been on would even bring up a complaint about being pregnant or point out something that seems so unfair to you.
I'd like to talk today about some of the options that can implement if you find yourself in these circumstances. I first want to give you the spaciousness to tell you no matter what you decide and what you feel, it is valid, do not feel as though you should be further along from this or that people are gonna think you're weak if you respond in a way.
Gets them feeling a little bit uncomfortable or maybe gets them realizing that this was not a conversation that you felt comfortable being around. I first want to acknowledge your feelings and no matter what your reaction is, I I just want to tell you that it is valid, and you are allowed to have it.
And please try not to have judgment for yourself for reacting in whatever way that you do. But Create in your mind some planned responses or some planned actions that you might take if you find yourself in this circumstance. One thing that I, I've talked about, and we've put this list together actually with some of my students recently, is finding an ally in the group.
So maybe not everyone knows your story. Maybe not everyone is privy to the number of miscarriages you've had or the numbers of IUI or IVFF cycles that you've been through, and they just start b blabbering along and there is someone in the crowd that knows what's going on.
So maybe you can identify an ally for you, somebody across the table or across the room, link eyes. and have that be your person and know that they are there and that they know your story. And no matter what's being said around you, you have that person across the room who is there for you and loves you and is supporting you, even if it's silently.
Maybe find an opportunity to get yourself busy, and it doesn't have to be. Very like dramatic. It could be dramatic. If you want to pick up your phone and do a big sigh and get on your phone, God bless. Do that. Maybe you want to just pick up your phone and even if it's scrolling through social media, just to ignore the conversation and have the conversation continue and you not have to actively be a part of it, that is fine too.
Maybe you wanna text a group of friends. We've established this in my Thrive after Infertility Mastermind. We have a group chat and if someone is going through something, it is understood that you pick up your phone and you text us. You tell us what you're going through cuz we're there to hear you, to understand you and be there for you.
So maybe you have a group or someone that you can message when something like that goes. , even if it's just scrolling through Facebook, scrolling through Instagram, whatever it is, just to take your attention out of the conversation and maybe people might notice and people might say, oh, I noticed Lana there in the corner on her phone while I'm talking about baby formula, or the best car seat that you should get for your newborn baby.
And maybe that might be a trigger for her, So I'm going to stop talking right now, and we can't control whether people do or don't do that. But if that's what preserves you from having to actively be part of that conversation, that is so, okay, maybe you want to step away. Maybe that's a good time for you to pick up and go to the restroom.
Pick up, take your phone, go outside, make a phone call, something that just removes you from the conversation to me. that is such a good option and something that is preserving of you and preserving of your energy. Or maybe you want to say something and that is okay too. A lot of us feel very uncomfortable telling someone that we feel uncomfortable with their conversation, but we are allowed if we want to set those parameters for us and set those boundaries for us, go right for.
A lot of times we judge ourselves and we think somebody's gonna think we're weird, somebody's gonna think that we're jealous or we're haters or we're not happy for them. And that's okay. That's them. Allow them to think what they want. Cuz what we are doing is managing what we think about us.
And then lastly, when these things come up for you, What is the reminder you want to have in your mind? And that goes along with creating a story for yourself. What is the story that you want to remember? Maybe it's a few sentences that you can put together. Maybe it sounds something like, I know how bad you wanted this, and I know how hard these conversations are for you to hear, but I want you to remember that what you tried, you tried with all of your heart.
and you did everything you could to achieve your goal of motherhood. And even though it didn't happen for you, I still love yourself and I'm here for you, and I'm gonna do whatever I can to support you. So I'm gonna leave you with that thought today and think about the words that you want to put together on paper.
What do you want to remind yourself of when you are unknowingly or. Not prepared to be put in front of a conversation that makes you feel unheard and uncured for, and remind yourself that as long as you remind yourself that you are cared for by you and me and the thousands of other women in this community, that if you had all of our phone numbers, I promise you that we would pick up our phone and we would tell you how beautiful and amazing and lovely.
And brave and strong and proud you should be of who you are. So have a beautiful week. I love you. And remember, it is never too late to discover your meeting. I'll talk to you next week.
I am so excited to talk to you this week about an area of focus that I learned. When I was in my life coach certification. Something, my teacher, Brooke Castillo taught me about consuming versus creating.
One of the things that brought this topic to light for me most recently was receiving a message from one of my listeners of the podcast, and I'm gonna read you this message I received from her on Instagram. She lives in New Zealand, an awesome woman who found me through the podcast. I'm gonna read you what this beautiful message had to share:.
These reflections are thanks in part to your podcast today marks pretty much a year since our last embryo transfer was unsuccessful and we ended our TTC journey. It still hurts and always will. , but I feel like I'm slowly emerging as myself again. I've been through counseling, which has helped me deal with my grief, but also works on other aspects I needed to move forward.
I started yoga and have been on several overnight hikes with some of my close girlfriends. My husband and I have a five week holiday planned renovations, and I am exploring what is next in my career. I would never wish this situation on anyone, but it's the one I have, and finding a way forward has reminded myself who I am. Receiving this message made me so proud that this listener decided to create something from the episodes that she consumes every week of the Sona.
What podcast? I think back to some of the episodes she referenced. I was thinking about episode 32. Who are you? So knowing that she's starting to find herself, episode 41. Friendships when you're childless. So here she is connecting with girlfriends and going on overnight trips. Episode 54.
Will my marriage be enough? Taking time to carve out more in her relationship with her husband. And then there was one in there about her career. I talked about that just a couple weeks ago about your career. When you discover that you're gonna be childless, what's that next step that you're gonna take?
Being somebody who doesn't just show up every week, consuming the content, but actually learning how to implement it. In your daily life, and that's really where the growth and the longevity to this information really comes through. How are you gonna take this information in? What are you going to do by listening to an episode?
Are you actually somebody who is going to implement the work? Maybe sit down and do the paper thinking, or are you just going to take in the information, feel like you did something because you listened to a podcast or maybe you bought a book and for you buying that book, you may be thinking that doing something to help yourself, but if you are just reading the words on a page and not actually implementing them into your life, How were you gonna create that change for yourself?
It was so moving to me because I was somebody in the beginning that just thought if I lined my bookshelf with books, that would all of a sudden create the change. But it wasn't until I actually fired a coach and I worked with a coach and I gave. The ability to be a learner and take in the information and realize that I'm not gonna necessarily know how to do it right in the beginning.
But the more I tried and the more I practiced and the more I implemented the tools that I was given, then I started to see the change. I highly recommend you take some sort of action. Maybe it's taking a class. or signing up with me for Thrive after infertility and dive deeper and implement the concepts that you're learning and give yourself the ability to learn and take in and choose just a couple of concepts and commit to yourself. That's why I do my Thrive container in 12 week increments. Committing to 12 weeks gives you a short amount of time that doesn't feel like it's such a heavy lift for you to take in all this information and commit to a year of working with me, commit to 12 weeks.
Commit to one or two goals that you wanna focus on. Maybe it's learning how to accept somebody's words when they ask you if you have any kids. or they tell you, “You can always adopt”. That is something that I work on continuously and something that I have seen so much growth and because I've decided how I want to take in those words, how do I want to think about myself when somebody tells me I could always adopt. I used to think that they didn't think I tried hard enough to become a mom, but through the work that I've done, I realize now that they're just offering me some sort of comfort. That might be how they respond to the belief that they have that they couldn't imagine what their life would be like if they weren't a mom.
So they feel like they need to tell me something that will make me feel better. But I've done my work on this. It's something that I was committed to and got clear about what I made those words mean. When someone said those words to me, I would have a side conversation with myself and say, okay, Lana. Like literally I, I have these conversations in my head. I would be like, okay, Lana, what are you making that mean? They said, you can always adopt four words and what am I making those four words mean about me? I could choose anything I wanted, but if I was choosing to believe that they didn't think I tried hard enough, then of course I would always be rattled by those words.
Of course, I would feel shame about my inability to become a mom, but when I decided that I could believe something else about those words and start to feel less unraveling when people said those things to me, that's when I started to get my freedom and composure back. When people say things to me, how I interpret them is up to me.
But if I'm just consuming this information and not actually trying out how it comes up for me and how I respond to it, and the story that I tell myself about me, that I'm never gonna grow beyond it.
I have 76 episodes to date for you to learn something from each episode - maybe if there's one or two that have resonated with. Make a 12 week commitment to yourself on your own. If you're not ready to join, thrive totally fine, but make that 12 week commitment to yourself on your own time that you're gonna focus on one of these topics that I teach and actually create from it.
It's like going to a Pinterest page and liking all these recipes or liking all these DIY projects. but never actually trying that. So you'll never learn how to make the Dollar Store Christmas wreath. I give that as an example because that's something that I actually implemented. I created from saving the Dollar store ornament wreath in my Pinterest page, and I decided that I was gonna try it the first time - Did not look good.
Second time got better.
Third time I realized I needed a hot glue gun.
Fourth time I realized I needed different sized ornaments. And then here I was creating these beautiful wreaths that I was giving away to everyone cuz I was having so much fun creating them.
As you're listening to the podcast, I invite you to not just consume the information I create, but think about putting a price tag on it.
Imagine I charged you a $10,000 access fee to the podcast. If you knew that you were paying $10,000, you would probably be expecting to take something away from it. Imagine that you have paid me $10,000 to listen to my last 76 episodes. What will you take away from an.
to make that worth your $10,000. Thank you for listening. If you haven't yet, I'm gonna invite you to please go on Apple or Spotify or wherever you listen to this podcast and give me your review. Let me know what you have taken from this. Even if you haven't had a chance yet to implement something, let me know in a podcast review.
What has resonated with you in this podcast? I've come to learn that the more reviews we have, the more these algorithm Gods share this podcast with others. Or if you're listening to this on YouTube, leave me your review on YouTube, because the more women that get access to this through reading up review, the more women can find the message that they can actually thrive and feel fulfilled even if they weren't able to have the children they always dreamed of.
So, have a beautiful week. I love you. And remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next.
I mentioned to you last week that we were going to Lake Tahoe for our annual trip with my niece and nephew, my sister and brother-in-law, and I am just feeling so fortunate that I've been able to be an aunt and my niece and nephew.
My sister and brother-in-law really have made it a priority to include Jack and I in the life of their children, and it's something that I don't at all take for granted, and I love that we have this opportunity to bond with them and create our own relationships with them. I am not a skier. . So my sister and I did a lot of sister time snowshoeing.
We went for massages, my niece and nephew, um, ski with my brother-in-law and with Jack, and I love that they have that bonding time with them. And it's also so beautiful to watch them grow as little people that we once knew and they now have their own personalities and their own. Subset of jokes and things that they gravitate towards.
So I'm so fortunate to be an aunt and to have this opportunity every year to just go on vacation together and chill out and have so much fun. And when I got back from vacation, I found out some bad news. We lost my mom's brother, who I was extremely close with, and the reason I'm bringing it up today on the podcast is because he and his wife were childless, not by choice, and the ability that I always had to see them as an example in my life.
And when Jack and I realized that we couldn't become parents to have them, An example of what love could look like, what a marriage could look like, and what life could look like if you weren't able to have the children of your dreams. I always felt so fortunate to have them as an example, and to watch their 63 years of love together as they were married and to witness that and have gone through my path knowing that there is a possibility.
We could love each other and live a full life. I felt like I was just always comforted by seeing their love for each other. . And the reason I bring it up today is if you know anything about me and what I like to talk about in my community and on the podcast are the things that a lot of people are thinking, but they never fully say out loud when they think about their road to childlessness.
So what I'm gonna talk about today is why we believe that when we die, we are gonna grow old alone in a nursing home. and most of us think that we might be penniless because we'll have no one to monitor our finances and we will be robbed blind of our in here, of our money and have nothing to grow old on.
Okay, so I know I can't see you right now, but I could probably raise your hand if that thought has run through your mind. So in today's podcast, I bring this to light because I think. My uncle, who passed away, did not die old, well, he died old. He did not die alone. And in a nursing home, he died surrounded by nieces, siblings, friends that loved him because he made a difference with his life on earth.
And I want us to start thinking about what we can. To create a life for us that we are not worried about what that day will be like for us. What impact can we make today and what evidence can we bring forth in our life that will not even have us worrying about that point that we don't even. Stop to entertain what it is we worry about in our last days.
So this week I'd like you to start thinking about doing some paper thinking. So if you haven't been with me on an episode where you've heard me talk about paper thinking that is my way of getting all of this mishmash that is in your brain and putting it down on paper. So that you can recognize what it is that you're thinking and believing and feeling about yourself, and decide how is it impacting you, and if those are the things that you want to continue moving forward, believing in your life.
So I want you to think about how you want to leave this world on your last day. What do you want it to be like? What do you want to feel about your life? What do you want to think about the existence you had? And this might be hard for you to do because it is common to fear your death. And I get it. I think a lot of us are fearful of what our last days will be like, so let's think about what we wanna fill our life with so that when we get there, there isn't a ton of regret. There isn't a ton of worry that we're alone. There isn't a ton of worry that we're penniless because we have spent so much of our life creating the things that we want to create for ourselves.
So when you write these things down, I want you. Allow yourself to not have any guardrails up. No. Telling yourself, I shouldn't be thinking this, or It's impossible that I'll ever be able to accomplish this. Or things like this don't happen for people like me. So I want you to just remove all of that from your brain, just for these minutes that you're doing your paper thinking and let yourself start to dream.
What? What do you want to fill your time with? Who do you wanna be? We talked about episode 72, we talked about your purpose. If motherhood doesn't have to be your purpose, what are the things that you want to continuously incorporating in your life that create your purpose for yourself every day? And like we talked about, your purpose can be ever changing.
It doesn't have to be one unique thing to you that lasts you the rest of your life. It could, your purpose could change every single day. So now I want you to think about what you would be filling your time with and who you want to be filling your time with. Because if we're fearing dying alone and those constant thoughts are coming up in our mind, are we really out there creating connections with people that will have meaning in our life. And that doesn't mean everyone has to be our best friend. It doesn't mean that we have to have a list of 40 people that we call on a weekly basis, but there are little connections that you can create every single day in your life.
Think this week about where you're gonna find those connections. Where do they exist? How will you put yourself in a position where you are feeling connected to others? Are there places you wanna volunteer? Are there classes you wanna take? Are there people that. Have been part of your social circle that maybe you wanna build a deeper relationship with or do fun activities with, or maybe it's creating connections within the infertility community.
And for that, I would welcome you into my Thrive after infertility community. Some of the most amazing relationships have been built by women just like us, who dreamed of motherhood. and weren't able to achieve that. And so they decided they wanted to find other like-minded women who have been through their struggles, who won't judge them for the way that they're thinking or tell them that everything's gonna be okay.
They are real live women who have lived your story, and we come together and thrive after infertility and we grow together. So maybe it's finding a community like that for yourself, but if you're continuously sitting in this space that you are believing and worrying about your last days, you will not live a life that is representative of who you truly are because that is one thing, and when I was reflecting on the life of my uncle, they never had kids and he never complained.
I'm sure that there was some sadness and I'm sure that there was a time in his life where he desired that. But when I think about him and I think about his life, he never once seemed disillusioned with his life. He never once seemed like he wished he was somewhere else or, or wished for more. So how can we live more of that?
That was just such an observance that I took when I thought about his passing. How can I be more of somebody who feels contentment in their life each day? And feeling content does not mean that you don't go out and try to achieve more and challenge yourself, but if you can look at yourself every single day and feel content in the person that you are being each day, that is gonna build a lifelong progression of fullness and happiness and joy for yourself. So as you're thinking about those, those prompts this week for your paper thinking, do it without guardrails.
Do it without worrying that something's wrong with you. If you're coming up blank on answers, or that people like you don't have the ability to achieve certain things, or you're not somebody who doesn't feel comfortable connecting with others. Like just take all that out and imagine there's no hindrance to achieving a life of fullness and really think about what that life would contain and how on your last day it won't matter. Who's around you and where you are, and how much money is in your bank account because you have lived this life that is so full and so rich, and so supported by you because you took time to focus on yourself.
It's a lot to unpack this week. I get it. If you wanna talk more about it, I’m always open to talking to you. Send me a dm. Book a discovery call. Whatever it is that can help you, I am here for you because I know for a fact I recently witnessed myself that just because you don't have children, it doesn't mean that your life is lonely, your life is empty, and you will die alone.
So I love you so much, and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next.
Hey, beautiful one. I have this YouTube channel up and bumpin, so if you haven't checked it out yet, go to YouTube and search for Lana.Mankowski. On YouTube and if you would just give it a follow, I would so appreciate it.
That way more women like us can find each other and create bonds and create a community that I know I so needed when my fertility journey ended and I didn't become a mom. Hopefully you get something every week out of this podcast, so you following the channel will help other women like us find each other.
Before we get started, wanted to give you a quick update you know, I've been interviewing for a new job at work and I finally got called back to a second interview, so I'm super excited about that. If you know what it's like, To finish your fertility treatments and not become a mom.
You may find yourself wondering what the next steps might be for you at work. Maybe for someone it's a career change. . Maybe for some it's doubling down into what you were doing and getting back ingrained in that. Or maybe it's finding a new passion. Whatever it is, it takes such courage to interview again .
So for me, interviewing again was a huge step. So I'm so excited. I got invited back to the second rounds. I will let you know how it goes. We are actually leaving on vacation tomorrow, so every year over President's week, my sister and her husband and their two kids, go on vacation together and it's commonly been skiing.
I do not ski. I don't attempt to ski anymore. So Jack and my brother-in-law and the kids go skiing, and then my sister and I hang out and do sister stuff. I'm looking forward to that. And we leave tomorrow, I wanted to get this podcast recorded so that you have something to think about this week, because I feel like it's gonna start being baby shower season.
How many of you feel like when it rains, it pours and all of a sudden you're getting all these invites to baby showers that you weren't prepared for? So we are gonna talk today about how you can receive a baby shower invite and how you can respond to it, because I know that they take you off guard. I know that there's people that have been pregnant for many months around you, and the day that that invite shows up in your mailbox or on your email, it throws you way off.
So we're gonna talk about how to handle baby shower invites on this week's episode of the podcast. So I first wanna acknowledge that it's okay to get an invite and not want to attend a baby shower. I have been there. I have judged myself for it. You may judge yourself and think you're not a good friend because you don't wanna go to Jenny's baby shower, or that people are gonna think that you're selfish, or people might think you're super broken and you may think that you are appearing weak if you don't.
So let's just decide now that whatever you're feeling, allow yourself to recognize that you feel it and tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with you if you are feeling any of those things that you are judging yourself for feeling. Okay, because I know I would not tell anyone because I thought, oh, they're gonna think something is wrong with me.
If I don't act excited though, I would put my game face on and we are gonna talk about how I got through it and give you some ideas of how things might work for you. If you decide to go or don't decide to go, that's another option too. So I first want to say that you might be somebody. Who will show up even though you don't want to.
And that is okay, so we're gonna think about ways that you can prepare yourself to go to a baby shower when you are not feeling super festive about going. What I first would like to think of is maybe chunking the event in time. So we talked about this just this past weekend in my Saturday cohort of Thrive After Infertility.
Maybe think about the event in chunks and tell yourself, okay, I'm gonna go there. I'm gonna show up. Maybe just to drop off my gift, say hello and leave. Maybe that's one chunk. Maybe you can stay. for appetizers and just during the cocktail hour or social hour, and then decide I'm gonna do a quick check-in with myself.
I'm gonna see how I feel after that. If I wanna stick around, awesome. But if I don't, then I've already in my head told myself that that's okay. I'm just doing a check-in, and this check-in is to tell me either, yes, I'm good, I'm gonna continue on, or no, I. I did what I thought I wanted to do, and now I'm gonna leave.
So maybe the next one is staying for presents and maybe the opening of presents. Maybe after the presents you're like, all right, I gotta skate. Maybe you wanna stay and stick around for dessert or some after and stay for the whole thing. That is so great too. But what I really think is important is to just create a plan for.
and decide how you want to divide the day up, if you wanna just go for a portion of it, or if you wanna continue on. So if you find that you're somebody who likes to have a plan that might work great for you because you've sort of mapped out how long you wanna spend, what things you wanna stick around for in your mind, you're doing already know that you have this check-in.
So you've created this. Safety for yourself, that you've got your own back. You've already thought this through. I'll be here for you if you wanna get in your car and go home. We've already decided today that that is okay. All right. So having a plan to meet is an awesome, awesome opportunity to, to see where you are in things.
But maybe you got that invite and you don't want to go. So let's talk about. Telling someone that you don't want to attend or you can't attend, or maybe you want someone to give the news for you. Maybe you're not comfortable talking about it. Let's all acknowledge that however you wanna deliver that message, you are doing it from a place of love.
You are not doing it from a place of jealousy. You are not doing it from a place of. , you are not doing it from a place of sadness. You are just doing it from a place of love and acknowledgement for what you need and what you are striving for in your own life. So if you are the one who's gonna maybe pick up the phone and call the mom to be, think about how you want that conversation to go.
Talk about it. If you wanna call me and tell me, talk me through the conversation, I would so love it. DM me. I'd be happy to hear your message of how you wanna say it in practice. But if you even look in front of yourself, look in the mirror and say it to yourself and prepare for the fact that you might get emotional and acknowledge in the beginning that this is somebody who loves.
and they know that you not attending their baby shower has nothing to do with them. It's nothing about you not being a good friend. They know that you are just working through these things and trying to preserve yourself for what you can attend and what you can attend. And if for some reason this person is not on your team with this, that is okay.
there might be somebody who doesn't understand, who's never been through infertility, who's never known what it's like to want to be a mom and not be able to, so they just might not understand where you're coming from. So if that's the case, I get it, it's gonna be hard, but what's more important is that you don't turn your back on yourself.
Maybe you feel awkward even this is something that came up on Saturday. One of my students in the, in the Saturday cohort felt really taken aback because she wasn't part of the planning process of the event and decide today that there's probably a reason why you weren't asked to be part of the planning committee.
And I guarantee none of it is because people didn't want you to. . Your friends probably know that this might be something hard and maybe you would've wanted to be asked, but maybe they just don't know how to ask you. So if we can try to practice love towards people that maybe don't know what it's like and don't know what to say and how to say it, but they love you so much, let's decide that you not being involved in the planning process.
Or maybe you. Being asked personally, and you just got Anite in the maleic, it has nothing to do with the fact that you aren't important to these people. People just maybe are doing their best to let you know you're loved in giving you the opportunity to come forward and be more involved or stand back and say, I'm gonna set this one out.
So when it comes to getting invites, To these type of shot baby showers. The only thing I really want you to take away from today's podcast is that if you think about what you want ahead of time and do it from a place of love for yourself and preservation for your energy and for your emotional wellbeing.
That is paramount right now, and I know it may feel hard to think that you might disappoint a friend or not show up for them on a day that they think is super important and that's okay. That's why I am here. That's why this community is here, because we have been there before. So on that day or leading up to those days, if you need.
and you need just someone to hear you out. I promise you. If you post in the fertility community on anywhere, on social media or even reach out to me, I will be happy to let you know that you're heard and let you know that you're understood when it comes to not being comfortable about receiving a baby shower invitation.
So that's it for this week. I love you so much. You're so amazing and you're so brave, and you're out there doing the best that you can, and I know it. I see it every day. So have an awesome week, and remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
I launched a YouTube channel, so I'm trying something different. I am going to be simultaneously video recording when I audio record a podcast, so you need to go to YouTube. Make sure you follow my YouTube channel.
You listen to the podcast, you can see me in the trenches as I'm recording each week's episode. I wanted to talk about something this week that is probably one of the largest sticking points that those of us that pursued motherhood and desired motherhood and weren't able to achieve it are working.
And that is creating your purpose. Somewhere back in the depths of our mind, there is a little voice that is telling us that becoming a mom is our purpose as women. This voice is very loud, and this voice has been our. For what it is that we want to achieve with our life and find, um, our meaning through.
But when you can't become a mom, there is another way to find purpose in your life. Finding purpose. The societal norm we choose to believe that there is one purpose for us in this life and in this world, and one thing that I work on a lot with my students and when I am the witness to somebody realizing for the first time that your purpose does not have to be one singular thing to yourself or to one person, it is just a dam that opens up and life starts to flow and life starts to feel less restrictive because you're not constantly seeking this one thing to define you or this one thing to be your beacon in your life. So I'm gonna throw some ideas out there this week that you might wanna consider and if you are still holding onto the belief that Motherhood was supposed to be your purpose in this life, I am not here to judge you or tell you that you need to let go of it, but all I wanna do is offer you the opportunity to see things in a way that others have started to transition their way and see, you know, maybe down the road this is something you'll be ready to pursue, but I'm just planting the bug in the beautiful ear of yours to let you know that you might have another purpose (or purposes) for you. Let's all recognize that we as women might just be following in suit to what we've always heard. And we've talked a lot about this brain of ours that is conditioned to move along in the flow and not question things a lot because questioning takes a lot of mental energy.
It takes us out of our norm of being comfortable and being settled into something. So there was this acceptance that when you believe or you work or cooperate in the masses, you are in your safe space. This brain of ours likes to be in its safe place. And when we all of a sudden throw something out there that gets us questioning something that the whole mass of people around us don't necessarily recognize or accept as their truth, we go into this fear mode and question ourselves and tell ourselves, how dare you think something different.
You should not be the odd person out, you should not sit here and question whether things are true or not that everyone else believes are true. As you start to consider what purpose even is, is purpose defined by somebody else or are you willing to consider what your purpose is defined by, and are you willing to consider that this historical belief that purpose is one overarching thing that you are in existence for the rest of your life?
Are you willing to believe that that is how you will define yourself in your purpose? When you allow yourself to consider the idea that purpose might be multifaceted to somebody else, your existence might mean something so much different than you even know somebody is reaching for that you offer by innately being you. It seems like what I found, this is my opinion, and many of the students that I work with find it to be very heavy… the mission of finding your purpose. What if waking up every day is an opportunity for you to serve purpose in your life and in the life of others, on this circular type of movement?
And what if you consider your purpose is finding out the truth of who you are as an individual and who you've been created to be in this world is the only purpose that you need to have in your life is to understand who you are, what motivates you, what moves you forward, what scares you, what things you shy away from because of whatever reason.
Maybe because historically you believed you weren't good at something, or people told you that women without children don't live full lives and women without children aren't impactful, or women without children aren't needed like women with children. So what if you were just willing to question all those things and move forward with an ease and a curiosity in it instead of a fear that you are not adhering to it?
Does that make sense? Because that's a lot of what we work on together in the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind or with my one-on-one students, we start to question if something gives you discomfort or something makes you question who you are, listen to those questions.
Don't accept them as true.
Don't accept that your purpose in this world is only associated with having children of your own. Get curious and say, I wonder why I believe that?
Maybe ask yourself, does that need to be my truth? Questioning yourself might just be art of your path of finding your purpose or finding who you are and who you're intended to be in this life.
I'm gonna share some things that have come up in some of my own personal journey, that might allow you to take this burden of finding your purpose off of your shoulders. Think about the people that you impact by waking up every day. Maybe you serve a purpose in your workplace.
Maybe you serve a purpose in your family life. Maybe you are a support to somebody, or maybe people look at you and gain their strength by seeing how you've navigated this journey. And maybe they're not going through infertility and maybe they already have things in their life that you don't have, but they look at you and they look at how you navigate your life and you serve a purpose to them.
As an example of somebody who wakes up every day, even though life is so different than you thought it would be. And when you wake up every day and you put one foot in front of the other, maybe you're serving purpose through your story and through your journey. And maybe there's people, and I want you to really think about this, who have served a purpose in your life?
that is so different from the purposes they serve to others. I've talked about this before. My second grade teacher, her purpose was teaching me basic math, how to add and subtract. Maybe divide and multiply, but in her life, if she went home and had a husband or a wife or children, maybe she served a different purpose in their life.
But to me, that was one of the greatest purposes that she served because that was the basis and foundation of math skills in so many different ways that I've been able to utilize arithmetic in my life thanks to her, my second grade teacher. Her purpose wasn't one universal thing. And now here's a personal story I'd love to share with you.
The day that I found out that I wasn't gonna become a mom, the day that my clinic called to tell me that my one frozen embryo was chromosomally abnormal and not viable for implantation, I was away from home. I was in Minnesota at my corporate office for my job, and I got this news.
This was the first time that I felt like there was finality in my journey after going through seven years of fertility treatments and always having this glimmer of hope that this might be the time that it worked. And then finally getting that call that day that this was over. My dream of. A biological mother with my husband was done.
I remember finding this dark corner and wanting to be away from anyone while I was processing this information, I was sobbing. And this woman who worked as a custodian in this office building saw me and she came up to. And she comforted me and in my broken Spanish and in her broken English, I explained to her what was going on and the things she said to me served such a huge purpose to me.
Now, I don't even know this woman's name. She doesn't even know who I am. She doesn't even know what I had been through. She put her hand on my back and she told me “He will take care of you”. She was serving a purpose that all these years later, I'll never forget her. Think about the impact that she made and she serves a purpose by not even knowing how she touched me and the strength that she offered me that day and
that moment that will always stick with me throughout the rest of my life. To me, that is my proof, that your purpose does not need to be one singular thing, and maybe your purpose doesn't have to be thought out every day, but if you're showing up in your life and being a clean, loving, true version of you.
to this world. That might just be the purpose that you're intended to offer. So if you're thinking about how you're gonna move forward and how you're gonna create this in your life, I can help you. It's something that we do by questioning ourselves as we're working through our classes and thrive after infertility.
You can start today. You can start by doing your paper thinking and understanding what it is? What is the true version of you? Who are you besides infertile? Maybe take the word infertility out of your life and out of your story and tell me who you are.
Write that down on paper and start to understand how you can become closely associated with yourself as an individual so when you show up in your life every day and you are presenting the truest version of you, you are creating purpose in more ways than you could have ever imagined. Maybe there are some skills you wanna perfect and some tools that you want to work on or share with others that offer a greater definition of purpose to you. When you allow yourself the freedom of releasing this stronghold of the word purpose on you, and start realizing that it could be multifactorial and there could be thousands of purposes you serve in this life and. Allow yourself to stop believing that it has to be this one overarching thing. Think of your name like mine, Lana Mankowski. What if I don't have to have a tagline that defines me the rest of my life? Cuz if I choose one tagline to define me, and you choose one tagline to define your whole life, it can be very stifling, and the freedom that we have as women and as individuals to move through our life in being fluid is the greatest gift and the greatest opportunity to discover our purposes.
So think about that as you're trying to navigate this heaviness that you are associating with motherhood and your inability to become a mom. See the lightness that exists by simply being you. Know that no matter who you are right now, things can change for you. Things can get lighter for you, things can get easier for you, but it takes an opportunity for you to be willing to release that overarching definition of purpose.
That you've so longly associated with motherhood. If you get a chance to check out my YouTube channel, I would appreciate you liking it and following it so that more women like us can find each other. Because if you're anything like I was when I finished my fertility treatments and realized that I wasn't gonna become a mom, I just longed to know that there was other women out there who knew my story and understood my story, and so maybe we can find one another and grow together and start to believe that our purposes can change the life of so many just by believing that motherhood is not the only way we can change our lives and create a legacy that impacts the world forever.
I launched a YouTube channel, so I'm trying something different. I am going to be simultaneously video recording when I audio record a podcast, so you need to go to YouTube. Make sure you follow my YouTube channel.
You listen to the podcast, you can see me in the trenches as I'm recording each week's episode. I wanted to talk about something this week that is probably one of the largest sticking points that those of us that pursued motherhood and desired motherhood and weren't able to achieve it are working.
And that is creating your purpose. Somewhere back in the depths of our mind, there is a little voice that is telling us that becoming a mom is our purpose as women. This voice is very loud, and this voice has been our. For what it is that we want to achieve with our life and find, um, our meaning through.
But when you can't become a mom, there is another way to find purpose in your life. Finding purpose. The societal norm we choose to believe that there is one purpose for us in this life and in this world, and one thing that I work on a lot with my students and when I am the witness to somebody realizing for the first time that your purpose does not have to be one singular thing to yourself or to one person, it is just a dam that opens up and life starts to flow and life starts to feel less restrictive because you're not constantly seeking this one thing to define you or this one thing to be your beacon in your life. So I'm gonna throw some ideas out there this week that you might wanna consider and if you are still holding onto the belief that Motherhood was supposed to be your purpose in this life, I am not here to judge you or tell you that you need to let go of it, but all I wanna do is offer you the opportunity to see things in a way that others have started to transition their way and see, you know, maybe down the road this is something you'll be ready to pursue, but I'm just planting the bug in the beautiful ear of yours to let you know that you might have another purpose (or purposes) for you. Let's all recognize that we as women might just be following in suit to what we've always heard. And we've talked a lot about this brain of ours that is conditioned to move along in the flow and not question things a lot because questioning takes a lot of mental energy.
It takes us out of our norm of being comfortable and being settled into something. So there was this acceptance that when you believe or you work or cooperate in the masses, you are in your safe space. This brain of ours likes to be in its safe place. And when we all of a sudden throw something out there that gets us questioning something that the whole mass of people around us don't necessarily recognize or accept as their truth, we go into this fear mode and question ourselves and tell ourselves, how dare you think something different.
You should not be the odd person out, you should not sit here and question whether things are true or not that everyone else believes are true. As you start to consider what purpose even is, is purpose defined by somebody else or are you willing to consider what your purpose is defined by, and are you willing to consider that this historical belief that purpose is one overarching thing that you are in existence for the rest of your life?
Are you willing to believe that that is how you will define yourself in your purpose? When you allow yourself to consider the idea that purpose might be multifaceted to somebody else, your existence might mean something so much different than you even know somebody is reaching for that you offer by innately being you. It seems like what I found, this is my opinion, and many of the students that I work with find it to be very heavy… the mission of finding your purpose. What if waking up every day is an opportunity for you to serve purpose in your life and in the life of others, on this circular type of movement?
And what if you consider your purpose is finding out the truth of who you are as an individual and who you've been created to be in this world is the only purpose that you need to have in your life is to understand who you are, what motivates you, what moves you forward, what scares you, what things you shy away from because of whatever reason.
Maybe because historically you believed you weren't good at something, or people told you that women without children don't live full lives and women without children aren't impactful, or women without children aren't needed like women with children. So what if you were just willing to question all those things and move forward with an ease and a curiosity in it instead of a fear that you are not adhering to it?
Does that make sense? Because that's a lot of what we work on together in the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind or with my one-on-one students, we start to question if something gives you discomfort or something makes you question who you are, listen to those questions.
Don't accept them as true.
Don't accept that your purpose in this world is only associated with having children of your own. Get curious and say, I wonder why I believe that?
Maybe ask yourself, does that need to be my truth? Questioning yourself might just be art of your path of finding your purpose or finding who you are and who you're intended to be in this life.
I'm gonna share some things that have come up in some of my own personal journey, that might allow you to take this burden of finding your purpose off of your shoulders. Think about the people that you impact by waking up every day. Maybe you serve a purpose in your workplace.
Maybe you serve a purpose in your family life. Maybe you are a support to somebody, or maybe people look at you and gain their strength by seeing how you've navigated this journey. And maybe they're not going through infertility and maybe they already have things in their life that you don't have, but they look at you and they look at how you navigate your life and you serve a purpose to them.
As an example of somebody who wakes up every day, even though life is so different than you thought it would be. And when you wake up every day and you put one foot in front of the other, maybe you're serving purpose through your story and through your journey. And maybe there's people, and I want you to really think about this, who have served a purpose in your life?
that is so different from the purposes they serve to others. I've talked about this before. My second grade teacher, her purpose was teaching me basic math, how to add and subtract. Maybe divide and multiply, but in her life, if she went home and had a husband or a wife or children, maybe she served a different purpose in their life.
But to me, that was one of the greatest purposes that she served because that was the basis and foundation of math skills in so many different ways that I've been able to utilize arithmetic in my life thanks to her, my second grade teacher. Her purpose wasn't one universal thing. And now here's a personal story I'd love to share with you.
The day that I found out that I wasn't gonna become a mom, the day that my clinic called to tell me that my one frozen embryo was chromosomally abnormal and not viable for implantation, I was away from home. I was in Minnesota at my corporate office for my job, and I got this news.
This was the first time that I felt like there was finality in my journey after going through seven years of fertility treatments and always having this glimmer of hope that this might be the time that it worked. And then finally getting that call that day that this was over. My dream of. A biological mother with my husband was done.
I remember finding this dark corner and wanting to be away from anyone while I was processing this information, I was sobbing. And this woman who worked as a custodian in this office building saw me and she came up to. And she comforted me and in my broken Spanish and in her broken English, I explained to her what was going on and the things she said to me served such a huge purpose to me.
Now, I don't even know this woman's name. She doesn't even know who I am. She doesn't even know what I had been through. She put her hand on my back and she told me “He will take care of you”. She was serving a purpose that all these years later, I'll never forget her. Think about the impact that she made and she serves a purpose by not even knowing how she touched me and the strength that she offered me that day and
that moment that will always stick with me throughout the rest of my life. To me, that is my proof, that your purpose does not need to be one singular thing, and maybe your purpose doesn't have to be thought out every day, but if you're showing up in your life and being a clean, loving, true version of you.
to this world. That might just be the purpose that you're intended to offer. So if you're thinking about how you're gonna move forward and how you're gonna create this in your life, I can help you. It's something that we do by questioning ourselves as we're working through our classes and thrive after infertility.
You can start today. You can start by doing your paper thinking and understanding what it is? What is the true version of you? Who are you besides infertile? Maybe take the word infertility out of your life and out of your story and tell me who you are.
Write that down on paper and start to understand how you can become closely associated with yourself as an individual so when you show up in your life every day and you are presenting the truest version of you, you are creating purpose in more ways than you could have ever imagined. Maybe there are some skills you wanna perfect and some tools that you want to work on or share with others that offer a greater definition of purpose to you. When you allow yourself the freedom of releasing this stronghold of the word purpose on you, and start realizing that it could be multifactorial and there could be thousands of purposes you serve in this life and. Allow yourself to stop believing that it has to be this one overarching thing. Think of your name like mine, Lana Mankowski. What if I don't have to have a tagline that defines me the rest of my life? Cuz if I choose one tagline to define me, and you choose one tagline to define your whole life, it can be very stifling, and the freedom that we have as women and as individuals to move through our life in being fluid is the greatest gift and the greatest opportunity to discover our purposes.
So think about that as you're trying to navigate this heaviness that you are associating with motherhood and your inability to become a mom. See the lightness that exists by simply being you. Know that no matter who you are right now, things can change for you. Things can get lighter for you, things can get easier for you, but it takes an opportunity for you to be willing to release that overarching definition of purpose.
That you've so longly associated with motherhood. If you get a chance to check out my YouTube channel, I would appreciate you liking it and following it so that more women like us can find each other. Because if you're anything like I was when I finished my fertility treatments and realized that I wasn't gonna become a mom, I just longed to know that there was other women out there who knew my story and understood my story, and so maybe we can find one another and grow together and start to believe that our purposes can change the life of so many just by believing that motherhood is not the only way we can change our lives and create a legacy that impacts the world forever.
I am teaching a training class in Minnesota. I just feel so grateful to play a role in the lives of folks that are starting out their career and folks that are energized and ready to embrace what it is to create their own brand for themselves in the corporate workplace.
Being a sales trainer is something that is definitely an honor. To be chosen to be one for my organization. What I wanna talk about today is energizing. It is when you allow yourself the possibility that you can possibly feel better. So I bring this up, it's very timely because if you follow me on social media, you know that my Thrive After Infertility Mastermind started this past weekend so I had my first class with my Saturday group. Even as the coach, even as somebody who knows how wonderfully the tools I teach can create impact in your life.
There's still always, you know, this nervousness in me that the people that have said yes to me, I will deliver to them in the way that they're wanting to receive the information. So when we got on our call for our Saturday morning cohort, the minute that screen turned on and I saw these faces and these squares on Zoom, there was just this instant connection that was created.
And I would say it's not just a connection to me, but it was a connection to the other people that showed up and said yes to them and said yes to a desire that they felt somewhere inside of them that they knew that life could feel better even though our dream of motherhood was not achieved. Let me tell you first that I do not take for granted that there is courage one needs in order to lean into that voice that is telling you that you want more, and that voice that is telling you that this life that feels very stuck right now and this life that feels disappointing because you did everything you should have.
Or you followed your protocol, or you followed your dreams and your timeline of becoming a mom to the best of your ability, and it turned out in a way that did not result in a family and in children. It takes a lot of courage to look at yourself in the mirror and believe you're willing to make that investment in you, not financially like the financial part.
Yes, there's a component to that, but looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, you are worth it, and I believe in you, and there's a glimmer of hope in you that it's possible for you. That feels very scary to most of. So let's talk about why that is scary and I believe that a lot of it is because we spend an extraordinary amount of time acting, and I say acting like we are okay.
If you are somebody who feels like you, show up in your life every day acting strong, acting like you are okay, worried that people are gonna look at you as somebody who is weak or somebody who is broken, or somebody that needs to be treated with kid gloves because you couldn't become a mom, there's nothing wrong with you for feeling like you need to show up strong. than you actually feel inside. I remember doing that. I remember going to corporate events, going to social events, going to church events, going out with friends, and not wanting them to know how broken I felt inside. So you might feel that way.
You might feel like you go out into the world every day and you come home from your. Journey each day exhausted because you have spent all your energy acting like you are somebody stronger than you truly feel inside. I remember just feeling exhausted from being an actor in my own life. And there's nothing wrong with feeling that way, but when you learn that you have the ability to truly show up in your thinking and feeling the way that you do and not judging yourself for it, you now allow yourself to feel less exhausted each day because you're not acting in your life every day in a way that is different than how you truly feel. Having these women show up, Being the ones that raised their hand and had the courage to say, you know what, I'm sick of acting like I'm okay.
I really want to figure this out, and this is my opportunity. There is so much energy. When I turned my screen on, I felt like there was just this energy of connection, even though it was over Zoom. When you say Yes, I want to try to find this solution that is better for me.
You are for the first time, probably in a very long time, allowing yourself to put these guardrails down. And when you put these guardrails down, it takes. and an extraordinary amount of courage to allow yourself to feel that rawness again, cuz let's be honest, going through years of fertility treatments or miscarriage after miscarriage and not knowing what your outcome is going to be, you want to build these natural guardrails around yourself and you think that you are helping yourself by doing so, and in the short term you might.
And if you feel that way right now, like you have these guardrails up, I applaud you for even acknowledging that you needed that for yourself because you wanna to continue on and be the strong person in your life. But oftentimes those guardrails prevent you from truly growing past this area of.
Feeling like you can operate only in this small, safe space. And that is why so many of us get jarred when somebody offers us what they think is something hopeful to us. For example, my big one that I worked on was telling someone I couldn't become a mom and then telling me that “I could always adopt”.
For them that is their way of trying to give me hope and showing support for me, but for me, living in a space that I felt like the minute someone said that to me, I got defensive, I got angry with them. I thought that they were jerks for offering me that those were my guardrails, that I was okay. I could function unless somebody said something to me that threw me for a loop.
Things like, you're lucky you can have mine. Kids aren't all what they cracked up to be. Those might be yours. So when you learn, you can function and you can receive somebody's words in any way that you want because you have learned the tools of understanding your story and understanding who you are and what you stand for As a woman.
Without children, your freedom to be you becomes so much greater.
So if you are somebody who wants to start feeling better, you can start doing that today. And that's why I show up every week on this podcast offering you opportunities to consider things. Some weeks it's activities that you can try on your own. So I'm gonna offer you one that I started out with our Saturday cohort is understanding how you define thriving and how you define infertility. What are some of the feelings that come up with you when you think about infertility? Maybe it's disappointment, maybe it's sadness, maybe it's despair, maybe it's hopelessness, and list all those things out. What are all the words that you think of when you think back to how you feel about your infertility, or maybe when you got the news that your journey was over and you were presented with the first time, the reality that you had to move onto this. place of knowing that you would move into your future being childless. Think about some of those feelings that came up for you.
It may be emotional and I know, but if you are able to write all those things down on paper, you can then know what are some of the feelings that are commonly coming up for you and decide what you want to think about yourself when you feel that specific way. . Then the other thing we do is decide what it means to thrive because we know that we want to feel better.
We know that we want life to feel easier, and we want to feel proud of who we are. But what does it truly mean for you to thrive? When you hear the word thrive or when you see someone that appears to you as somebody who is thriving, what are some of the ways you think you would feel? , when you are thriving, maybe hopeful, in control, at ease.
Proud. There's a host of different words. I'd love for you to work on that this week and think about those words of thriving and where you can see yourself feeling those feelings. What are some of the thoughts that you're thinking? Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? What are you surrounding yourself with when you are feeling that way?
So that. Some of the work that we start out doing in the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind, we then take it to the next level. As we continue on through our 12 weeks together, we're gonna go through and really start to get clear on these feelings. I'm a certified coach in causal coaching. So that is why I spend a lot of time understanding how we feel or the feelings that commonly come up for us, because if we're able to identify those feelings, we can then peel back the onion and understand what is causing us to feel that way.
We often want to believe that it is the circumstance we are in, so we wanna believe that it is our infertility that is causing us to feel that way, and certainly our infertility plays a role. And how we are feeling. But the true movement and the true growth that I teach amongst my community and with my students is understanding what is the cause of us feeling that way beyond our infertility. Is it the thoughts that we're thinking? Is it the actions that we're taking that are creating those feelings for us? So this is some beautiful work that I hope you can work on independently this week.
Have an awesome week, and remember, I love you and it is never too late to discover your meaning.
I was on a bit of a two week jaunt, running around, getting a lot of things done in my life, and I took a little step away from the podcast, which full disclosure I had a ton of judgment about because I felt like something was wrong with me for not being able to pull it all together and keep it all going.
But that is why the power of coaching is so amazing. I paid attention to the thoughts that I was thinking and the way that it was making me feel, and I realized that it was not. Useful for me to think that I was disappointing you because I knew that you had 69 other episodes beyond this one to listen to.
And so here I am, episode 70, a new episode where we are gonna talk about why it is so scary to fail when you are infertile. So this is a general statement that I'm gonna say. It's not if you're a student of mine, this is not a circumstance. This is a thought that one of the most scary feelings humans feel is failure.
and generally humans do not like to fail. And yes, this is not a fact, but it is my thought and probably a thought that is adopted by most. People have a fear of failure, especially after fertility treatments finish and you did not become a mom because you probably spent an extraordinary amount of time hearing the word fail and failure and failed All be used to describe us and our fertility journey.
All this to say. It's no wonder that those of us who have been classified as failed fertility patients have this extraordinary relationship with failing something. We've been accustomed to hearing the outcomes of cycles, embryo transfers and all of that being associated with the word failure. If you've been done with your fertility treatments for a while and you notice that you are shying away from opportunities or shying away from circumstances, that might be a little bit risky. . Ben, let me just tell you first, you are normal and I would say that the majority of the women that I work with have had this sort of reservation about life and trying new things, and it's something that we work on quite a bit and thrive after infertility, and we try to understand why does failures scare us so much?
How it creates a paralysis of the state we're in when we finish fertility treatments and we're not a mom because the way we come out of it is thinking that there's absolutely no more room in our life to fail at anything else. . If we feel that becoming a mom, we sure as hell better not find ourselves in a predicament, where we are failing elsewhere. Something that I've noticed, and you may relate to this too, you may feel like, I really, really wanna feel better, but what if I try to, and it doesn't work, this preservation you are giving yourself. What if it's one more thing that you try to do that doesn't turn out the way that you hoped, so your action or inaction is not going out and seeking the tools, like coaching or working with your therapist or working on some pointed things after a job.
Dating, working on your relationship. Whatever it is, it is normal. And I just want to tell you that there's nothing wrong with you if you have found yourself shying away from doing those types of things. Maybe you're thinking I'm just. ready to figure out how to get out of this sense of heaviness.
You might be desiring this sense of lightness and this feeling like you're thriving and feeling fulfilled again, but you are telling yourself that it's not possible for you. And what if it doesn't work out for me, then I'm really screwed because this is your last hope in your mind.
I know I was there. You're telling yourself, what if I don't have this special power? . What if I'm one of these people that just doesn't have an in 'em to feel better, or maybe my story is just too sad? And the people that I hear doing well after fertility treatments fail and they've done work on themselves and they come to the other side of things.
They're just special people. And I just don't have that in my dna. . So you avoid putting yourself in circumstances or in a situation to try something because not working out the way that you wanted it to When it comes to feeling better is just sort of the end all. Be all of your hope. I know I did that.
I did a lot of that. I would say the majority of students that I've worked with have had some sort of version of that in their past that runs through their brain, which impacts the actions that they did not take in their lives. So they continue not to seek opportunities to feel better out of the fear that they won't do it right and that it won't work for them.
and they just didn't have this superhuman power that you need to feel better. Maybe you think that people that have this much growth and change happen in their life are just an anomaly. So instead you stay there in your warm fuzzies with your blanket around you on the sofa, and you dream of a day that you'll feel better.
but you just never actually go out and try to achieve it for yourself. When I decided that I wanted to have a new definition of failure, and I wanted to work on failure. Not being something that scares the hell out of me doesn't mean I'm not scared of failure. Doesn't mean that I don't judge myself if something doesn't go the way that I had planned.
But I've been working on creating a relationship with failure. I was going to invite it in. This is something we do in my coaching practice. You say failure. I know you're here. I see you. I feel you. You're really, really prominent right now. But I wanna try something different today. Failure and you're gonna tell
failure. Let's go on this ride together. I know you're gonna be there. But I'm gonna just maybe put you in the back seat instead of the front seat. It doesn't mean that I'm not gonna pay attention to you, but I just, I don't want you to be right there on the side of me. I just want you to be behind me a little bit and I'm just gonna try something new today.
Fear of failure, for many of us it might stem back a very long time. , you know that it's gonna be there. And so when it's there and it pops up and it shows you that it's there and you get this nervousness that you might not do something right, or you try something and you stumble a little bit, you say, okay, I know I plan for you.
I know you're here. We planned for this. I knew you were gonna come with me on this ride. I knew you were gonna be sitting in the backseat failure. But listen, I'm trying. . I'm trying my best. I am. I wanna make a difference in my life. Failure, and I just, I don't wanna be scared of you anymore. Okay? So if you're listening to this and you think it sounds kooky to talk to a feeling, welcome to my world.
Let me tell you, this is where the difference happens. This is where you realize a feeling is just a reaction in your body. Failure might make you get pricklies on your neck. Maybe your cheeks might get flushed, but fear is just a reaction to a feeling, and it doesn't last forever.
But if you just bring it along for the ride and tell it, you're, tell it that you're welcoming it with you and that, you know, it's there. It just becomes less prominent. So if you find yourself wanting to go after things and are worried about what will happen if they don't work out the way that you had planned, let me challenge you to pick something that you've been wanting to try and just write it down on paper.
You do not have to commit. I will not follow up with you and ask you how it's going or what you've done or what the outcome is. It could be maybe more than one thing. So for me, my big thing was my career. , and we talked about this in one of the previous episodes, how I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my corporate life, because I just thought I was gonna become a mom.
I thought that I'd have my beautiful babies, and I might go part-time at work. I might stop working altogether. I might go back to work after the kids are in school. So when it came to my career, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't think that far ahead. . And so I challenged myself to say, knowing who I am now and knowing what I've been through, knowing where my desires lie, I wanna put together a development plan for myself.
I wanna figure out what interests me, what am I good at? What are the things that make me feel like I'm alive and thriving again? So for. . I started that work with my corporate job, and it's amazing when I just allowed myself to lean into the fact that I was just exploring something and asking questions and connecting with others, things just got to be less scary for me.
For me, it was my career. Maybe for you, it's something else, but if you tell yourself that it is. Okay. to try something and maybe not know the answers right away and maybe interview for a job. That's my reality right now. I'm interviewing for the first time in 14 years for a job, like I'm super rusty, y'all, but you know what?
I know. I have decided ahead of time that if I don't get this. , it doesn't mean that I'm not qualified. It doesn't mean that I'm not good at what I do. It doesn't mean that I will never find another job that I want to interview for. It just means that either my timing wasn't right. Or maybe there's somebody who's been working on this job longer than I have and has put feelers out greater than mine are, and I'm not gonna make it mean anything about me because failure is just a little physical reaction in my body.
And because I have the power to decide what it is, I make failure mean to me. I've decided what I want failure to mean that I am trying and that if I were good at everything and I never put myself in a predicament where I had the opportunity to learn and stretch and grow myself, I'd be really freaking bored because that was not the Lana before my infertility diagnosis.
So I love you and know. , even though you've heard the word failure to describe attempts at motherhood, know that failure does not have to define you, and you can create your own definition in your own relationship with failure. So I love you.
You've got this, and remember, It is never too late to discover your meeting. I'll talk to you next week.
I've been thinking about you all week and so excited to share this week's episode with you because it is such an enlightening moment that I recently had, and I wanted to find the right words and opportunity to share this concept with you. There is so much of our life that is amazing and whether it's times that we went through our fertility journey before we even knew we had infertility, before we even knew that we wouldn't become moms, and at the end of our journey, it seems less and less easy to find moments that feel good and light and free because we are very focused on the sadness that we endured and the dreams that we thought would have come true for us that have not. So on today's episode, I'm gonna share a little bit about. A moment that I recently had. As you might know, Jack and I went on a trip last week to New York City.
It was fabulous. We had so much fun. We are such good travel partners together. We're so on the same wavelength when it comes to travel? There's some people that need to have an itinerary set out points of interest identified and a play by play. We are not those people.
As long as we found a place to lay our heads at night and maybe one or two highlights throughout the vacation, we are so cool with that. I love that we've found that adventure together. Before. Into what happened in New York. I first want to ask if you are ready to make room for your amazing life? If you are ready to live a childless life that feels amazing and doesn't have to feel temporary, that that amazingness is here to stay and you're ready to really lean into a life that you wanna take ownership of the greatness it contains. There's things that I've noticed many people do. I know I have done them, and many of the students that I'm helping work through this with. Found this prevention or this opportunity to stop them from feeling the experiences that ignite a glow within them.
Maybe you have something that happens to you and this excitement shows up for a few minutes or maybe a few hours, and we escort them out of our lives more than we invite them. , you might notice you have this breathtaking moment that shows up and brings you pure joy and appreciation. And then decide to deflate those moments.
Think about something that ignites you. When you even think about the memory of it, you fill with joy or you fill with happiness, or maybe it even brings a bit of a smile to your lips, and you feel like your heart could just burst in a moment and you feel so fulfill.
Try to recount a moment like that in your life and then notice how often you try to talk yourself out of it. maybe you say like, oh, come on, that's so silly. That's really not that big of a deal, or, check yourself this is just a fluke, that this is just something temporary.
This is not something that's intended for somebody like me. Maybe you tell yourself that something is good, but it's a sloppy second. to how great life would be if you were a mom or if you had children, you wouldn't be searching for these things that make you feel good or these things that ignite happiness within you. Because being a mom would just trump all of that. Being childless after infertility can create a feeling that you need to compensate in your life.
So have you ever found yourself trying to compensate and tell yourself that you're feeling something because you're trying to compensate for how sad you feel, or how lonely your life feels because you're not a mom? So I wanna talk about all of that today. I recently had a moment that made me so aware of how wonderful and how many moments I have in my life that truly are fulfilling, that even me at this stage in my journey.
Of healing and mindfulness and awareness and belief reinvention that I can still experience these same things that you do. So that's just to say that life is solely just a process. I work through things just like you do, and I'm human just like you. And just because I'm a certified coach and I teach students and I help women create amazing breakthroughs in their lives, I still am a student in my own life and I love that I'm a student in my own.
I love that I have the tools that allow me to question what it is that's going on around me and what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, and even decide, is that true? Is that the story that I want to believe? Those are amazing tools that I teach in my Thrive community. The ability that I have to use them in my own life, and the ability that you can create in your own life by having these tools are what creates the transformation in your future and creates a life that you will truly be thriving again and feeling fulfilled even though you didn't have the children, you always thought you. Let me go on to tell you where I most recently noticed this. So Jack and I went to New York. We have been dying to see The Music Man with Hugh Jackman. we had been talking about doing this forever. The show closes in a few weeks and we were like, you.
We're just booking tickets, we are doing this. Take time off work and enjoy the flexibility and the opportunity that we have to travel in the middle of the week because we don't have kids to worry about. All we had to worry about was care for our dog. So Coco's grandpaw. It was so gracious. I know he's listening. So thank you Djidzau for watching Coco. He so graciously takes care of her often when we are gone. So we got on a plane, went to New York, had zero plans except a hotel that we knew we were staying at and tickets to the theater to go see the music man. And the rest we just kind of winged.
It was time for dinner and Jack did a google search found this restaurant. He wanted French food. We called the restaurant, got a reservation show up at the restaurant. Turns out it is a Michelin star restaurant. Had no clue. Check in at the desk. They're like, oh, let us escort you to your table.
They take us to the table. We are at this table that is literally. The chef's table, like didn't plan for it, didn't pay extra for it, didn't request it, nothing. We sat there and watched these Michelin star chefs create the most amazing feast. Watching the formalities of a French kitchen was like going to dinner and a show. Watching how they prepared the food and the formalities of the kitchen and the whole process behind what happens in a kitchen was amazing to watch. And we are sitting there and I was just taking all this in and I noticed myself comparing. how life would be if I was a mom. if I was a mom, I wouldn't be able to experience this. And if we had kids, we would never be able to get away and go to New York. And I was doing all this like comparison work to the moments I was feeling to what it would be like if I was a a parent and not really taking in the fact that I was having an amazing moment because, I'm just me and living my life, not because I'm some V I P, not because I know somebody who made a phone call to get me the chef's table, not because I had a download of the Michelin guide on my phone.
We just simply happened to come upon this evening that was so amazing and literally unforgettable. Why was I willing to give up this moment and compensate for this moment and say it has come forth to me simply because I'm not a mom as though I'm not worthy of this moment and we have this.
Going to New York would probably be possible if I was a mom. I probably could have found a babysitter. I probably would still be able to afford a plane ticket in a hotel in New York and tickets to the theater. But that's not what I'm talking about here. What I'm talking about is deciding that my life is worth noting and not making a compensation.
So many of our experiences that we have, we decide that they are compensations for us not being able to become a parent or not being able to have children. And why that happens, I believe, is because we have this primal brain. That has been designed to protect us from feeling the ebbs and flows of emotion, especially when we've been going through fertility treatments, and it has been an emotional rollercoaster for us for so long.
Our brain is just constantly trying to keep us safe and keep us emotionally steady. . We wanted to diminish those peaks and valleys in our emotions when we were waiting for a phone call from our IVF nurse when we were waiting for our labs or how many eggs were retrieved during a retrieval.
There's nonstop things that our brain has been trying to prevent us from having too many ebbs and flows in our emotions, and we just want to not notice the wonderful things that we experience in our life.
When you're experiencing the road to acceptance of a childless life, the easiest way to create emotional freedom for yourself is to notice those moments. when you're feeling great and you're feeling like, wow, is this really happening to me? Or, I wanna pinch myself, or I feel really good, or I feel very happy right now.
Like all these things, they don't have to be sitting at a Michelin Star in restaurant in New York. It could be waking up in the morning feeling excited about your day if we pay attention to what our brain is thinking and inviting more of that in.
We will start to create more opportunities for us to live with that sense of fulfillment and with that sense of acceptance.
You may not be used to recognizing how good things are in your. Your brain might be searching for the things that are not so good, or the things that keep you feeling neutral or feeling blah or feeling unemotional. Because we have been on this emotional roller coasters as we've been navigating our fertility treatments, and our brain is just simply trying to keep us safe and keep us from being rattled and too excited and too up and down.
So have you experienced something really good in your life and found yourself recognizing it and following up with things like, God knew I needed this because I couldn't become a mom, or the universe brought me this opportunity as a reward for my suffering.
It sounds so noble, and it sounds so fulfilling, but what if your life didn't have to be a compensation? Imagine the ease you would feel if you believed that God gave you an experience simply because you are you. how much more would you savor your joyful moments if they weren't conditional, and they weren't a compensation for something that you don't have?
Could you imagine feeling ownership over the life that you have because you are you because you are a human on this earth who wakes up every. Searching fulfillment and your joy just by being you. It is such a liberating thing to not compensate and say that you are deserving of something because of your suffering.
And I know that might be a story that your brain has been trying to tell you for a really long time, but it is a. That you can choose right now today, not to believe any longer. You can believe that you are worthy of these special moments of your life, of the happiness that you feel and the ease that you feel.
Stop and recognize those moments and lean into them. What gives you that joy? What are you doing when you feel that happiness, when you feel that ease, when you feel that pride, pay attention to what it is because those are the things that are gonna inform a future for you that is more accepting of that and willing to feel more of that and wanting to feel more.
If you can refrain from talking yourself out of the fulfillment you feel, you will feel more fulfilled. And I know it might sound novel. Your feelings of happiness don't need to be temporary.
So whether it's for 30 seconds or 30 minutes, feel the feelings that feel good for you without poking holes in them. and You'll learn how to embrace what it is that you are deserving of. You'll find the opportunity to celebrate you and celebrate the goodness and the beauty and the fulfillment that you feel solely because you are you and you are human showing up every day, looking to navigate a life that truly feels fulfilling and you feel purpose and you feel happiness.
If you are somebody who is truly desiring more of this in your life, then you will not want to miss the next round of thrive after infertility. Thrive after infertility is. A customized 12 week small group program for women like you who desire more in their life, women like you, who want to feel fulfilled again, and women like you who know that this life of feeling less than and lacking is not who they want to continue being in their future.
I would love for you to be part of Thrive. It is truly transformational and will bring you the joy and the freedom. I know you are so searching to achieve.
So have a beautiful week. I love you, and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
I know that you are so looking forward to this year being so different and more light and more energizing than last year was, and I want to recognize that if you are not feeling the joys and the excitement and the desire to create a list of 40 new resolutions for yourself, you are not alone.
I know those feelings that I used to feel when a new year would come around and I would just sort of feel empty, because it was a reminder that one more year had gone by, that I had not yet achieved my goal of motherhood.
If you are feeling that way right now, I just want to recognize that you are loved and that there are so many other women who are out there seeking the connection that I know you are looking to feel. And that is exactly why I decided that I was going to launch the application process for my next round of the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind.
I wanted women to start this year choosing to make a commitment to themselves and choosing to make an investment in a future that is going to feel amazing and you will be able to thrive and feel fulfilled even though your dream of motherhood did not come true. If you're looking for the application, I'll link it here in the show notes, but I just feel like this is such an exciting time for women to start to offer devotion to themselves and to their future because we have spent way too much time waiting for motherhood to be the answer to our happiness. And when that is not possible for us, that does not have to hinder you from feeling alive again and feeling like you are in control of your future again.
So check it out. If you have reservations about whether it's right for you, whether you can afford it, whether the people that are in the group you're gonna gel with, let's hop on a call,
I don't want anyone to join who is not sure that this is right for them.
I want you to feel comfortable and go into the mastermind feeling like you are a HELL YES, and let's talk and let's get this on the books and get you rolling for an awesome 2023. , which brings me to the topic of today's podcast, your word for the year now on social media.
I know it's like dumped everywhere, that everyone's picking out these words for the year that are supposed to energize us and make us feel amazing. And if you've not done this before, It can feel confusing. It could feel like you're just picking a word and you don't know why, but you feel like it's something that you should do to feel better.
So I'm gonna take you through a pointed exercise today on the podcast. I'd love for you to have your journal, whatever it is you take notes on. If you are not at a point where you can take notes right now, keep listening and when you get home or get to a place that you can pause this and jot down some notes, you can actively take part in the, the writing later, but, It might even help you to just sort of start to consider what it is you want to work on when it comes time to create your word for the year.
I found that having a word of the year was much easier for me to do than to create a New Year's resolution. It just was sort of like a grounding thing for me. After going through my fertility treatments and just feeling like there was like this laundry list of ways that I should be feeling and things I should be doing more of and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I was just really overwhelmed. So choosing a word for the year is a way to plan your goals and a powerful way to stay focused and keep your goals in sight. Last year, my word was love because I had found that I was very cynical, I was looking at people in a way that I was very judgmental of them. People would say things to me and I'd automatically classify them as a heartless person, somebody who wasn't kind to me, somebody who wasn't respectful of my infertility journey.
Last year I decided to choose the word love for my word of 2022 and it was such a powerful thing. I felt so much more love towards people and circumstances that I was in, and it really freed me up from carrying around the heavy burden of being. at people and resentful towards people. So, I'm gonna tell you a little bit about how I went about creating my word for this year, and how to figure out how to narrow one down for yourself that feels true to you, because it's really important.
This is a word that's gonna attach to you for the rest of the year, which doesn't mean that you've gotta get it perfect. It doesn't mean that you can't change your word, but just even practicing today with. , how to create a word that you want to have a sense of commitment towards something that feels true to get started on a journey towards feeling that way.
I will take you through an exercise that's gonna help you recognize the breadth of the impact you have on yourself in your future moving into 2023, so that you can feel super grounded and committed to yourself in your future. I first wanna acknowledge that for many New Years I was feeling like.
I wanted change, but I just didn't know how and that I was gonna maybe do things wrong. So I just would not pick any goals or not pick any resolutions that I wanted to attach to. Cuz I just felt like it was a lot of pressure and I didn't wanna disappoint myself by not achieving yet one more thing in my life.
So I just kind of continued on the calendar flipped, and I kept doing what I was doing. and I realize that that's a possibility for you. If you do not feel down with choosing a word, you don't have to. But at least give yourself the opportunity to listen all the way through this episode and decide if this is right for you.
Okay, this is how we're gonna start. Allow yourself to open up to some of the emotions that you have felt this past year. Write down all of the disappointments, negative experiences, maybe some fears, maybe some grievances, things that felt really heavy to you this past year or cumulatively what feels really heavy to you today? I realize that this is somewhere that might not feel comfortable for you. You might have some tears come up and that is normal. That is so normal. It's okay. You might have shielded yourself from thinking about or feeling these things again, but we're just gonna carve out five minutes right now to just allow yourself to feel these things and then we can close the door on them and now write them.
Once you finish writing everything down, place your hand on your chest and read through that list out loud to yourself. And when you're done, I want you to say, this is a new year for me, and my heart is ready to feel. . Okay. So once again, you're gonna write all these things down that might feel heavy.
You might have some tears evoked, it might feel sad for you, but that's okay. We're only gonna open this door up for about five minutes for you to get through everything you wanna write, and then you're gonna put your hand on your chest and you're gonna say out loud, this is a new year for me, and my heart is ready to feel.
Okay. And then next we're gonna identify the things that gave you joy this year. Preface it by saying, during 2022, I am most proud of. And then build on that list until you have at least 22 things written down. It could be things that you're grateful for, maybe accomplishments, friendships that have brought you joy.
Relationships, experiences, maybe a trip, maybe a learning, maybe a new job. Nothing is too small. Maybe you figured out how to do something that you've been working on for a really long time. Maybe you knitted a scarf.
Literally there is nothing too small that you can put on and don't stop until you get to 22 things. And then you're gonna put your hand on your chest and you're gonna say out loud, this is the new year for me, and my heart is ready to feel more of this.
Okay, your heart is ready to feel more of this. All these things that you're proud of, that you accomplished, that you experienced, that you connected to, your heart is ready for more of this. . Then the third step that we're gonna take to prepare for choosing your word is identifying some of the things you aspire to believe about you or believe about your story, or believe about your future without children.
If you're listening to this and you are childless after fertility treatments and you know that your future is not gonna have children, do yourself a favor and don't put to be a mom. Or to get pregnant. Let's just put that aside during this exercise because that is not something that is necessarily gonna be useful for us to continue moving into 2023, wishing for if we know that it's something that is not gonna be possible for us.
Let's consider where you wish you were on this. , is there a way that you aspire to think about your future without children? Maybe a goal you wanna work towards achieving a way that you desire to feel when you wake up every day. Now, this exercise can be really fun if we tell our primitive brain that it is not invited.
If you've heard me talk about the primitive brain, that is the part of our brain. that just automatically tells us that's a bad idea. You're not smart enough to do that. That's not possible for you. Those things don't happen to women like you. So our primitive brain is designed to rationalize things that we don't necessarily want rationalized.
So it keeps us protected and safe. But for this exercise, we just want our primitive. to be excused and just let yourself dream. Think about some of the things that you have read about or seen or heard me talk about or heard other women without children define as happiness for them.
Maybe allow yourself to start dreaming about that for yourself and write all of these things down. This should be a really fun exercise. if you let yourself roam free and think of things or write down things that you have no clue how you could ever possibly achieve, but they just peak your interest in the slightest.
When we get done writing that down, you're gonna again put your hand on your chest and you're gonna say out loud. This is a new year for me, and all of this is possible. Again, this is a new year for me and all of this is possible. Okay, so now those three things, they might take you a little bit of time, but carve some time out because it's gonna prepare you for choosing your word for this. . So commonly your word is an emotion or can be linked to an emotion, and selecting your word for a year is a way to set an intention or set a reference point that you can remind yourself of the thoughts you would like to think, or the decisions you would like to make to move yourself forward towards a place that you want to.
And my word this year is ownership. The reason I chose that word is I really want to have a greater sense of ownership in a multitude of areas in my life.
I wanted to have a greater sense of ownership in my future. I wanted to have a greater sense of ownership in my infertility story and how it was told and how I believed about myself. I wanted to have more ownership in my career. I thought I was just gonna become a mom and quit working or maybe go to part-time.
And then when I realized that I had this career that I was in and I didn't know where I wanted to go with it, I really wanna take ownership in my career this year. In my teachings, the way that I teach and the magnificence that I offer, the infertility community. I really wanna take ownership in teaching about life after infertility in a way that feels like I have ownership in my story, in my relationships. I wanna have ownership in my fears when I get scared about something or tell myself that my life is never gonna feel full.
I want to take ownership of those fears that I have and just comfort myself about my dreams.
I really wanna have ownership over the dreams that I have and stop telling myself that that's not possible for women like me; that women who are infertile, can't be known as women that are thriving, that are leaders that have a life that can be desired and admired.
There's just such a sense of ownership that I want to bring into 2023.
That is my word for the year.
I love that you are here today listening.
I love that you have committed to yourself that you could choose a word.
Maybe it's strategic,
Maybe it is happy.
Maybe it is Fulfilled.
There are a multitude of words.
If you haven't gone through my list of feelings., if you haven't seen me share it before, send me a dm. I'm happy to share it with you.
If you want maybe a reference point to start out from in choosing your word, but once you choose that word, put it on a post-it and put it on your. and remember it every day and when you wake up every day. I tried that this morning.
I laid in bed and I asked myself, what are three things that I want to do today that will allow me to feel like I have ownership?
Start to create evidence for yourself every day. Maybe it's before you go to bed, recognize three things that you did. that utilizes the word that you chose for yourself for this year.
So this is such an amazing practice. It's so fun. If you need any help, I would love to help you create your word for the year. Just send me a message. We can hop on a call. Would love to help you work through it. So have an awesome week. Don't forget to check out the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind.
Consider taking ownership of your future this year and create a life that you can thrive and feel fulfilled even if you don't have the children you always dreamed of. So I love you. Happy New Year and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you ladies next week.
thank you for listening to the podcast today, and if you landed on this podcast and something attracted you to it, listen to that little voice in your brain.
That is telling you that you want more from your story and that you want more from your life than to just chalk life up to being average and mediocre because you weren't able to have the family you always dreamed of. If this is your first time listening to the podcast, I wanna tell you, I come here every week.
because there are not enough people out there telling those of us with infertility who are childless that life can be better for you. There is this universal belief that those of us who couldn't have children live a life that feels empty, feels like it's average maybe at 80%, and we always have the missing piece of the puzzle.
I decided that that wasn't going to be my truth, and I went on a journey to better for myself. I wanted that person back that I used to be. I'm so glad that you're here and I want you to believe that this is possible for you too. I am no special snowflake, and there is just so much that we can achieve after going through this journey and having it not turn out with the children we always dreamed that we would have.
And one of the biggest ways I'm gonna talk about today, and it is understanding the story that you tell yourself and tell the world about you. And when I say tell the world, it doesn't mean that you have to be out there verbalizing what you went through, but what you believe about yourself and how you interpret your beliefs creates the story that you put out in the world cognitively about yourself.
How we. pay attention to that is by looking at your past and looking at your journey through fertility treatments and how do you want to use that story because that story is yours and nobody can change it or touch it but you, and you also get to decide what you're going to make your past mean about your life, and you decide whether you're going to be the hero or the victim of that story.
You don't need to change one thing that happened in your past to have your story change. You could just. Decide that this painful story that seems like we are chained to about your past does not have to have any correlation to the future. That story is completely optional, and you have the power to change that story.
I mean, this was the best news when I learned this from my coach. I was floored and I was kind of like, why? How did I not know this? Like how, how did I get this far into life after my fertility treatments failed and. Not figure out that I could change my story. So this is your day to decide that you could believe that your past has made you strong, and you can believe that it has made you capable and made you worthy.
And you can start mining today, this very day for that evidence, and you will find. and then you can retell your story in a way that ultimately serves you and it gives you thoughts that build feelings of positivity and feelings of strength and feelings that have you feel like you're thriving again, and you can be energized and feel energized again, and you don't have to take.
Part of your past with infertility and your infertility journey into your brain anymore if you don't want to, and if you find that you're thinking about your past and asking yourself why that's normal. It's normal to feel like we always have to question our past because nobody tells us that that does not have to be the way that we move into the future because you get to decide what you bring into your future, and you get to decide what you want to leave behind from your past, and you can release it forever.
That doesn't mean that you have to act like it didn't happen, but it means that you can lose the story that has you feeling like a victim. You can lose the story that has you feeling like you'll never have what the people around you have and that you'll never have fulfillment, and you'll never have joy. It's just a story that is causing you pain and the story that you're telling yourself about it can change and you can be the author of your new story and you may not be able to change how many rounds of I V F you went through, how many miscarriages you had, how many things that you tried that didn't work, but you get to change what that means about you now, and there is no work that has bigger influence on. then changing my story and what I made my infertility journey mean about me and how I want to focus on how I will move forward.
I'm gonna highly encourage that you do this practice, and I want you to sum up your past in one sentence. So it's been a minute since we've done some paper thinking. So get those journals out, ladies. And decide how do you want your past to define you? And sum it up in one sentence. And my sentence was, it made me the strong woman I am today.
Okay, so now you try it. What do you wanna believe? Without changing anything, how will you define your. , there are many thoughts that you have now that come from thoughts that you were taught in your past. So we've talked about how we acquire our belief system and the beliefs that we've had. We've, we talked about that some weeks back, and oftentimes it's just adopted beliefs that we've acquired from others.
Maybe our parents, maybe from our religion, maybe from teachers, friends. So all the thoughts that we have about our past are taught in some way, shape, or form. And these are not thoughts that you've consciously decided to think, but they're thoughts that just somehow become programmed at a very young age that women who don't have children die old alone in a nursing home.
Women that don't have children are sad. Women that don't have children are lonely. and so on, and so on and so on. So we're so used to thinking these thoughts that we don't even realize that they're there anymore, some of them are good and don't need to be changed, but there are a handful of thoughts that continuously circle in our minds that aren't serving us anymore, and we just don't realize that we have the ability. to change those thoughts. If you find yourself believing that women without children die old alone in a nursing home, that might not be helpful to you.
If you want to believe that you let your husband down because you couldn't provide him a child, that might not be helpful. Or maybe people who don't have kids don't fit in society. There's a handful of things that you might be believing and there's nothing wrong with you for believing them, you have just never considered they don't have to be true about you anymore, and maybe you adapted them from other people.
and they continuously ring true in your mind. And I want you to sit here and think about and write down what are some of the thoughts that you want to get rid of and what are some of the ones that you want to keep. So when you look at this list, it's important to know that even though these thoughts feel true, they are completely optional.
and even the good ones. Those are optional too. If we can choose any thoughts, we want to think, do we want to choose more that feel good to us or the ones that have us feeling stuck in our childlessness? Because your past does not need to equal your future, your past successes and failures. Don't predict the future successes and failures unless you wanna believe they.
and what you were taught when you were young feels true, but that's only because it's familiar to you. It's not because it is factually true.
Those of us with infertility, spend a lot of time arguing with our past without even realizing it. We believe that we should have had better luck. We believe that we don't fit in in conversations where people have kids and we don't.
We believe we're always the outsider. When you have these beliefs, they're not true. They are just things that we are adopting as our belief system. When you state the past in a factual way, you realize.
It is what it is. We have infertility. We did not have children. I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility. So every argument with your past. pretends it can win, but it never can. The past should be what the past was, and as hard as it might feel to accept that the longer we argue with the fact that we should have become moms or that we were deserving of motherhood, or that we would've been a better mom than our best friend, Susie, the more we argue with our past.
The longer we are gonna stay stuck and stay suffering and avoiding what it is that we can accomplish in our future.
When you're thinking about ways that you can consider changing your past, think about the story that you're telling and think about writing a letter to your past self and give your past self some advice, what would that advice be?
Tell the story of your. In two different ways. One where you always felt stuck and felt like an outsider because you couldn't become a mom, and one where you went on to grow and achieve and live a life that felt so fulfilling and felt so full even though you weren't a mom
and find a place in your life where. You don't have to have regret when you tell the story, and you don't have to be embarrassed and feel shameful because those feelings are not useful now. And you can change your future without feeling regret about your past and break down, break down your stories into facts only.
So if you're one of my Thrive members, you know that we talk about what a circumstances it is the facts of your story. That cannot be disputed. Anyone in a court of law would agree that those things happen to you. Those are the facts of your story. And then decide that the other things that aren't the facts are just colorful language that we tell ourselves we have to adopt as part of our story of infertility, but when we let those parts go and see that they're optional, that is where the most amazing magic happens for us. So what we're gonna do this week, is work on our past one day at a time. Do this work every single day and create a powerful practice for yourself.
And what we're gonna do is choose one significant believe that you want to change about your past and write it down. And then tell me what is the current. You have been telling yourself about this event. What are the facts of this event and what is the story you want to tell yourself about what this event means?
And from there, you can keep this event powerful and strengthening and decide what it is you want to take into your future and maybe what it is that you want to let go because the story that we create for ourselves and tell in our mind if we have never even written it.
It's really hard for us to believe it. And so when we continuously tell ourselves that our story is sad and that people feel sorry for us, and that we're the worst case scenario, then we will never have the opportunity to grow beyond that story. So this is some amazingly powerful work, and I hope that you find some opportunity to really believe that your story can feel good to you.
I love you and remember, it is never too late to discover your meeting. I'll talk to you next week.
I am so happy to be here and feeling so great about the magic that we can absolutely make in our lives when we go all in on ourselves and when we decide that these feelings of dread and these feelings of inadequacy and question, and all the things that I felt when I finished my infertility journey, and you might still be feeling today, knowing that all those things are optional.
Is just such an amazing realization, and this is at my forefront right now because I'm just wrapping up three months of some of the most enlightening and amazing work with my students in my Thrive After Infertility Mastermind. We have made so much progress and so many inroads and so many realizations about what life can truly be like
even if you couldn't become a. I invite you to consider in 2023 to make changes in your life to just believe, even if it's with the smallest ounce of you, believe that there is something more out there for you. I spent so many years believing that life would just be average and. I'd operate at 80%, maybe have some good days, but most days would be average.
And that was so foreign from where I used to be. When I realized that I had the ability to create a new story about myself and my future, and that I could believe new things about what my life was worth and the purpose, meaning and the legacy that I could create with my life, even without children, life got exponentially better.
So I hope that going into this new year, you choose to create new beliefs about yourself and your. , you will create so much greatness in your life. Tomorrow is our last class, some have already decided to continue working with me, and to me that is the biggest honor.
But it shows me that they believe in themselves and that they believe that there's more for them to achieve. If that is something that you're looking to accomplish, I invite you to apply. For the next round of Thrive after infertility, the mastermind's gonna get started, in February. The application process is gonna go live in January, and maybe you're somebody who wants to do one-on-one.
I also love working one-on-one with students, so that might be a better decision for you, but whatever it is you choose to do, I hope that. , you realize how much you are worth and how much of your life there is to create greatness with, and that your best days are not behind you just because you went through fertility treatments and weren't able to become a mom.
So these last couple episodes have been more geared on kind of helping you get in there and understanding what it is that you desire, what you believe about yourself, allowing you. See how much there is that you can discover about yourself and your story, so on this week's episode, I'm going to add on from last week's episode of What Do You Desire? And we are gonna talk about what you are looking to feel?
I might get emotional in this episode because it was like a really intense moment for me. Last week, I had taken Coco to the vet. She had to get her annual shots, and she does not do well at the vet. She's. Very like fidgety, upset, bity, all this kind of stuff. We got home and
I had to decorate the house for Christmas. I was buzzing around doing a million things, and I could just tell by the look in her eyes that she was not feeling well. So I sat down on the floor and I just sat there and the minute my butt hit the ground, she literally crawled into my lap and just curled up so tight, and I felt this amazing sense of connection that I don't know if it was that I had never felt it before, or that I just never allowed myself to feel it because it wasn't with a human child.
I literally felt like my presence and my being was such a calming nature for this dog. And I noticed myself trying to be like, what is wrong with you? That's not the same. If you had a child, it would be more real, but you don't really feel connected to a dog. And then I stopped myself and I was feeling so connected. That feeling of offering calmness to a living being by just being present and being calm and still with my dog, felt so meaningful to me and I realized that there are so many things that we tell ourselves are not available to us because we have not had a human child. So we tell ourselves that those emotions and those experiences and those heartfelt connections are not really real because they're not with a human child.
I just decided that I wasn't gonna believe that anymore. I was gonna believe that I felt a significant connection. And yes, it was with my dog. And if you're not a dog person or a pet parent, you might not understand that, and that's okay. But for those of us that are, you might know how that feels. You might know that feeling of connection. It does not always have to be to a baby that you gave birth to or to a child or to another human. It really got me thinking about how many things I have not allowed myself to open up to because I'm dismissing them because I'm not a mom. I want you to really think about how many times you can actually open yourself up to feeling something and not talk yourself out of it, and not tell yourself that it's not real or that it's not as good or not as intense as it would be if you were a mom and just feel the damn feeling because I had never felt that intense.
Type of connection like I did that night with Coco and I just, it felt really good and it got me really thinking about how much more of that I can have in my life. And yeah, maybe it might be with my dog, maybe it might be with another human. Maybe it. be by myself, experiencing nature. There are so many opportunities that I truly believe we tell ourselves we are not available for or open to because we aren't moms.
I'm gonna leave you with that. It's a short episode this week, but I want you to know that I love you and there is so much available to you if you just allow yourself to lean into it and just allow yourself to not talk yourself out of what you feel. You don't need to tell yourself that it's not rational.
You don't need to tell yourself that it's not real. It's not how it would feel if you had a kid and just feel the damn feeling. That's all I gotta say.
I love you so much. Merry Christmas. I hope you have a beautiful holiday. And remember that you are so worthy of every perfect gift this holiday season, and I want you to be proud of yourself, and I want you to have hope and have faith that you have everything you need to create the life of your dreams and try not to talk yourself out of believing that life can be good again. I can tell you there is so much beauty waiting for you and I can't wait to continue our conversations and to go into the new year experiencing all the greatness that is waiting for you. I am doing a call on the 30th.
We're gonna be talking about how to wrap up the year and feel really good about all that you accomplished this year.
So that's gonna be on the 30th at 3:00 PM on Facebook Live. And um, I'll make sure I make the replay available. So if you're on my mailing list, I will get the replay sent out to you. So have an awesome week and remember it is never too late to discover your meeting. I'll talk to you next week.
You are listening to the So now what podcast with Lana Mankowski, episode number 65. So now what These three words raced through my mind time and time again during my journey through fertility treatments. I tried desperately to have a child, but never was able. I yearned for a community to join that could understand my struggles.
I couldn't find one, so I created one with the So now what podcast? I love that you found us. Hello, beautiful one. It is so crazy to think that we are just a few weeks nearing the end of the year and there's all this hoop law about New Year's resolutions, things that are gonna happen in the new Year, excitement.
And for many of us that went through fertility treatments and weren't able to become moms. We don't have a lot of that desire to think about what our goals and dreams are gonna be for next year in a way that feels good and feels light. It all seems very heavy, and if there's anything that I have learned about navigating this journey, Is that we deal with a lot of heaviness and we have a lot of expectations of ourselves to feel streamlined.
We don't take a lot of time and have not allowed ourselves the permission to normalize that we might not have that same excitement that everybody else has for the new year. Because for us, it's one more year that we've gone without having the child of our dreams.
we find a lot of reason to not look forward to the next year and to not have these goals that feel good and seem achievable. So we're gonna talk about that this week and we are gonna talk about how to build more desire for yourself and for your. , if you've heard me talk about Thrive after infertility, it is one of the most beautiful experiences that I get to play a part in every week.
It is a small group of women who have gone through fertility treatments and weren't able to become moms, and we come together and talk about what's going on in our lives and how we want to create goodness from the sadness that we've experienced and how we really want to thrive and feel fulfilled even though we didn't have the family of our dreams.
One of the exercises that I work on with this group is called an I desire statement. Let me tell you about how that goes. I found, and you might relate to this too, that when you finished your fertility treatments, you felt like there just was not much of a desire to do anything but become a mom.
You might have had a hard time looking at yourself in the mirror and feeling excited about the reflection that you saw. You might have thought about your future and had a hard time envisioning it, feeling full and feeling exciting, and feeling like you were in control of it again. And so what I do, My Thrive members is we create an I desire statement and we get very clear on some of the things that we desire to achieve, things that we desire to feel.
For me, and I think my students would agree, this allows you to start to dream again and start to figure out what it is that you even want with this future of yours. Because if we know that if we continuously want for something that we don't have, then we'll never feel fulfilled. But if we give ourselves sort of this permission to say, okay, I know I'm not gonna be a mom.
I know that that chapter has closed for me, and we can certainly look at that chapter and feel sadness for it, but we also have the ability to find some hope and to find some desire to live again and be the person that we were before and be that energized version of ourselves that we feel like maybe we left behind when our journey ended.
Some of the things that you might relate to desiring are connection. Maybe you wanna have more satisfaction in your life. Maybe you yearn to have belonging and you're feeling like the people around you that all have kids. And the people at work that talk about the activities they're doing on the weekends with their kids and their families, you might feel like you don't belong.
So you might desire belonging or acceptance. maybe approval. Another one that commonly comes up is ease and just feeling like life can be easy again. Maybe you've desire to have some freedom and giving yourself some understanding and some grace. . So I desire statements for me have been an opportunity to let myself start to think about what it is I truly want.
If motherhood and children aren't on the table for me, what do I want in my future? What feels good to me? Maybe I'm, I'm not ready for it right now, but I know one day I desire something. What is that thing for. . Maybe you desire something but you think it's not available to women without children.
Write that down too. So when you create your eye desire statement, you're basically allowing yourself to start to dream again and maybe start to give yourself a little bit of space from this area that had you feeling captive and maybe you felt like you weren't in control for so long because you were in a holding pattern and you were just waiting to find out if this was going to work out for you.
And I know it's hard to let go of that holding pattern and to feel. even excited about being in control of your life because you're just not sure what that life is supposed to look like. You don't know people who talk about what it's like to live a life that feels good and it all seems so foreign. And you know, that's why I started telling my story cuz I felt like there just was no example.
Women out there that were truly talking about life, feeling good. So I created this belief that my life would just be average. And because I couldn't become a mom and I didn't have the children, I always dreamed of my puzzle would always have a few missing pieces. When I started realizing that I could reframe that story and I could start to desire things, that seemed lighter to me and seemed worth dreaming about.
That's when my story started to unfold, and that is why it's so important to learn that you do not have to feel beholden to your infertility forever. Being infertile does not need to be the definer of who you are today being infer. Does not need to be a scarlet letter on your chest.
It could just be part of who you are and part of your journey and maybe being infertile. was the reason that you decided to go in on yourself and do the work that allows you to feel great again and feel fulfilled and thrive and be the woman who was so goal achieving and full of life before you got your infertility diagnosis.
So as you're coming towards the end of the year and you're feeling like everyone's talking about, What they accomplished and what they wanna do in 2023, and you're feeling kind of stuck. You are just in the right place to start. Our next group of Thrive after infertility, I'm gonna open the application process in January.
I have space for four students, and I would love for you to be one of them. I would love for you to know what it's like to be in charge of your life again and what it's like to create a story that feels true to you and feels good to you and feels free to you because that is available. I know that it seems hard some days and maybe most days it feels like you're just too far gone.
Or maybe that your infertility story is just too sad and people that went through what you went through, just don't come to the other side of things. And I want to tell you that that's false. And you can have hope, and you can have desire, and you can create freedom in your life to be the most magnificent and amazing version of you.
And if I could say honestly, even more happy than you could have ever imagined being without children. So if that sounds of interest to you, I would love to take you on this journey with me because it is so much fun. One of my greatest days of the week is Wednesdays when our team meets, and that doesn't mean that we don't have tears, and it doesn't mean that we don't have sadness and we don't share things that hurt us, and things that feel heavy.
But we do a lot less of that and a heck of a lot more of dreaming and believing and questioning and deciding that we have the most opportunity to create a life we love than we could have ever imagined when our fertility journey came to an end. So I hope you have a beautiful.
I'm doing a Facebook Live. I don't know if you've seen me talk about that at all on social media, but this coming Sunday, December the 18th, I hope that you join me. We are going to be talking about feeling festive and talking about some of the tools that will really help you feel like yourself and look at the holidays and not feel so heavy.
So I hope that you. Have an awesome week, and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
You are listening to the So now what podcast with Lana Mankowski, episode number 65. So now what These three words raced through my mind time and time again during my journey through fertility treatments. I tried desperately to have a child, but never was able. I yearned for a community to join that could understand my struggles.
I couldn't find one, so I created one with the So now what podcast? I love that you found us. Hello, beautiful one. It is so crazy to think that we are just a few weeks nearing the end of the year and there's all this hoop law about New Year's resolutions, things that are gonna happen in the new Year, excitement.
And for many of us that went through fertility treatments and weren't able to become moms. We don't have a lot of that desire to think about what our goals and dreams are gonna be for next year in a way that feels good and feels light. It all seems very heavy, and if there's anything that I have learned about navigating this journey, Is that we deal with a lot of heaviness and we have a lot of expectations of ourselves to feel streamlined.
We don't take a lot of time and have not allowed ourselves the permission to normalize that we might not have that same excitement that everybody else has for the new year. Because for us, it's one more year that we've gone without having the child of our dreams.
we find a lot of reason to not look forward to the next year and to not have these goals that feel good and seem achievable. So we're gonna talk about that this week and we are gonna talk about how to build more desire for yourself and for your. , if you've heard me talk about Thrive after infertility, it is one of the most beautiful experiences that I get to play a part in every week.
It is a small group of women who have gone through fertility treatments and weren't able to become moms, and we come together and talk about what's going on in our lives and how we want to create goodness from the sadness that we've experienced and how we really want to thrive and feel fulfilled even though we didn't have the family of our dreams.
One of the exercises that I work on with this group is called an I desire statement. Let me tell you about how that goes. I found, and you might relate to this too, that when you finished your fertility treatments, you felt like there just was not much of a desire to do anything but become a mom.
You might have had a hard time looking at yourself in the mirror and feeling excited about the reflection that you saw. You might have thought about your future and had a hard time envisioning it, feeling full and feeling exciting, and feeling like you were in control of it again. And so what I do, My Thrive members is we create an I desire statement and we get very clear on some of the things that we desire to achieve, things that we desire to feel.
For me, and I think my students would agree, this allows you to start to dream again and start to figure out what it is that you even want with this future of yours. Because if we know that if we continuously want for something that we don't have, then we'll never feel fulfilled. But if we give ourselves sort of this permission to say, okay, I know I'm not gonna be a mom.
I know that that chapter has closed for me, and we can certainly look at that chapter and feel sadness for it, but we also have the ability to find some hope and to find some desire to live again and be the person that we were before and be that energized version of ourselves that we feel like maybe we left behind when our journey ended.
Some of the things that you might relate to desiring are connection. Maybe you wanna have more satisfaction in your life. Maybe you yearn to have belonging and you're feeling like the people around you that all have kids. And the people at work that talk about the activities they're doing on the weekends with their kids and their families, you might feel like you don't belong.
So you might desire belonging or acceptance. maybe approval. Another one that commonly comes up is ease and just feeling like life can be easy again. Maybe you've desire to have some freedom and giving yourself some understanding and some grace. . So I desire statements for me have been an opportunity to let myself start to think about what it is I truly want.
If motherhood and children aren't on the table for me, what do I want in my future? What feels good to me? Maybe I'm, I'm not ready for it right now, but I know one day I desire something. What is that thing for. . Maybe you desire something but you think it's not available to women without children.
Write that down too. So when you create your eye desire statement, you're basically allowing yourself to start to dream again and maybe start to give yourself a little bit of space from this area that had you feeling captive and maybe you felt like you weren't in control for so long because you were in a holding pattern and you were just waiting to find out if this was going to work out for you.
And I know it's hard to let go of that holding pattern and to feel. even excited about being in control of your life because you're just not sure what that life is supposed to look like. You don't know people who talk about what it's like to live a life that feels good and it all seems so foreign. And you know, that's why I started telling my story cuz I felt like there just was no example.
Women out there that were truly talking about life, feeling good. So I created this belief that my life would just be average. And because I couldn't become a mom and I didn't have the children, I always dreamed of my puzzle would always have a few missing pieces. When I started realizing that I could reframe that story and I could start to desire things, that seemed lighter to me and seemed worth dreaming about.
That's when my story started to unfold, and that is why it's so important to learn that you do not have to feel beholden to your infertility forever. Being infertile does not need to be the definer of who you are today being infer. Does not need to be a scarlet letter on your chest.
It could just be part of who you are and part of your journey and maybe being infertile. was the reason that you decided to go in on yourself and do the work that allows you to feel great again and feel fulfilled and thrive and be the woman who was so goal achieving and full of life before you got your infertility diagnosis.
So as you're coming towards the end of the year and you're feeling like everyone's talking about, What they accomplished and what they wanna do in 2023, and you're feeling kind of stuck. You are just in the right place to start. Our next group of Thrive after infertility, I'm gonna open the application process in January.
I have space for four students, and I would love for you to be one of them. I would love for you to know what it's like to be in charge of your life again and what it's like to create a story that feels true to you and feels good to you and feels free to you because that is available. I know that it seems hard some days and maybe most days it feels like you're just too far gone.
Or maybe that your infertility story is just too sad and people that went through what you went through, just don't come to the other side of things. And I want to tell you that that's false. And you can have hope, and you can have desire, and you can create freedom in your life to be the most magnificent and amazing version of you.
And if I could say honestly, even more happy than you could have ever imagined being without children. So if that sounds of interest to you, I would love to take you on this journey with me because it is so much fun. One of my greatest days of the week is Wednesdays when our team meets, and that doesn't mean that we don't have tears, and it doesn't mean that we don't have sadness and we don't share things that hurt us, and things that feel heavy.
But we do a lot less of that and a heck of a lot more of dreaming and believing and questioning and deciding that we have the most opportunity to create a life we love than we could have ever imagined when our fertility journey came to an end. So I hope you have a beautiful.
I'm doing a Facebook Live. I don't know if you've seen me talk about that at all on social media, but this coming Sunday, December the 18th, I hope that you join me. We are going to be talking about feeling festive and talking about some of the tools that will really help you feel like yourself and look at the holidays and not feel so heavy.
So I hope that you. Have an awesome week, and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
How is your week going, you beautiful one. I hope everyone is feeling prepared for the holidays. If you've been on one of my recent calls on feeling festive, I hope that you've been able to implement some of the gold that we have uncovered on those calls, and if you haven't had a chance to get on a call yet, don't you worry.
I actually have two more Facebook Lives planned. One is for the 18th and the other one is for the 30th of December, and I will make sure that I alert you right before those calls go, I'm sure that I will have the replays available on Instagram, so don't you worry if you are still looking for a community to join, where you can feel like you're understood and that you are validated for the feelings that you are feeling, I hope that you're able to join us. imagine having the tools to respond to all the chatter in your brain when you wake up in the morning and you still have your head on the pillow and your mind starts racing of all the things. You haven't accomplished yet, or all the things you have to do, or the emptiness that you feel, or the anxiousness that's going on, what if you had tools to respond to that chatter in your mind, what would that open up for you to have some space in your day to do the things that you really want to do to stop dealing with these unanswered questions and stop having this sense nagging that there's just never enough time in the day or you just don't have enough resources to do all the things that you want to do, or the fact that you don't have children is preventing you from feeling complete and feeling like you have abundance and meaning and purpose, and that you have to go outside of you to seek.
Maybe you find yourself doing for others and being the point person for others, but what would it be like to coordinate your own schedule and to be respondent to yourself when you find yourself yearning for help or when you find yourself in a bind and you need a listening ear. Could you imagine what it would feel like if you had resources all the time that you could tap into, if this sounds of interest to you? This is just the episode you want to listen to, and I want to tell you a little bit of the backstory about how I came to know this.
I have found so many amazing resources that I did not even know existed. I just thought that I was going to live this childless life and that my life would be at 80%. Maybe have some good days, but most days would be average and sort of just there, and that my best days were behind me. The glorious future that I thought I would have would just never feel full because my goal of motherhood was never achieved. Through the work that I've done with coaches and on myself and the focus and the determination and drive that I have put forth to show up for.
Has made such an impact. and That is why I show up here every week with ways that you can start to implement these things in your life.
But this week's episode is so important because I was working with one of my students who was really feeling like her sense of purpose was wrapped up in what she did for others. Hear me when I say that I am not somebody who tells people that they should only do for themselves and not for others.
I too get a lot of joy showing up for others and being helpful and thoughtful and helping others accomplish things that they need to do.
I also found myself after my fertility journey ended feeling as though I would never have any sort of understanding of who would take care of me. I was great at taking care of others. I was shitty at taking care of me, and I would wake up and already have this laundry list of things that were against me and things that just weren't going to work out for me, and things that I would allow to circle in my brain, but I never really addressed how I could accomplish that goal or work myself out of this puzzle that I had created in my mind. Yet when somebody else called on me to do it, I was Johnny on the spot.
I could figure out great stuff for other people. I could figure out logistics for how to get someone from A to B and help them accomplish this problem, but I just couldn't seem to show up and do it for myself.
I'm going to share with you some tools that I recently used with one of my students because she was feeling as though her worth. Her association as a good member of her family was tied to what she was doing for others. A lot of students come to me seeking who is going to care for us in our future and when we figure out how to care for us, we have less of a fear or an association with somebody else needing to do it for us. When we understand that we have the ability to do for ourselves first. We as women have somehow conditioned ourselves to believe that doing for others allows us to earn a gold badge, yet doing for ourselves, there's some selfishness or conceit. One of my coaches, Juliana Garcia, has taught me these two questions that I take in every single morning, and I'm going to share them with you. Let's just establish now that for the rest of this week, Whatever day you're listening to this podcast, just commit to yourself for the next seven days that you are going to wake up and ask yourself these two questions. Practicing these two questions daily will absolutely transform your life.
So the first one is "What do you need?" And Listen, what comes up for you? What do you need right now? What are you searching for? What are you feeling? Maybe you're just a little bit frazzled and there's all this chatter going on in your mind and establish what it is that you're needing from you. When I tell you this, embrace what is it that you need when your mind is swirling and your head's on the pillow and you've got that laundry list of things that have gone wrong or you didn't finish, or you're not good enough. All these thoughts that our mind likes to present to ourselves, because right, we all know those thoughts are optional. Those thoughts are up for reconsideration, but when we don't listen to them, we don't know what to do with them, and then they start to create feelings of anxiousness for us, or incompleteness, or maybe some lack.
But when we start to ask ourselves, what do you need? And we listen, honestly, I sit there, I put my hand on my chest and I act like I'm almost outside of myself and I have a friend who's come to me and says, I really need to talk to you. I've got something going on and I listen that intently. I hear what my brain tells me, what thoughts are coming up for me. And I put my hand on my chest and let them sit there for a little bit and I calm them down and okay, what do you.
And now, once you've established that, ask yourself, "How can I help you?" and answer? Listen to yourself, close your eyes, put a hand on your heart and just ask, what do you need? What can you do for you to acknowledge what you need? Imagine you are helping you. How would you put that plan together for you? How would you establish all the things that need to be done for you? And just listen to yourself, answer those questions and free up some of the space in your mind so that you can get really good at filling your cup. It's so common that we are constantly wanting to nurture and be on the run and do for others.
And we haven't mastered the ability to nurture ourselves because we somehow just think that we aren't worthy of and so we're showing up half-assed in our lives because we haven't taken care of ourselves. If you are able to listen to what you need and how you can deliver on that need for yourself, things all of a sudden start to feel lighter.
You can do this by standing in front of the mirror. Maybe you want to journal about this when you wake up in the morning. those questions have really made such an impact in my life and have allowed me to free up so much energy within me and so much mental space so I can truly show up and understand exactly what it is I'm looking for and what it is I need for me.
What if I had all the answers that I needed to help me? What if I knew that I had the resources and I had the ability to help me, and I sat there and listened to myself, come up with all the options. I then allow myself all of this extra space in my day and all this extra time on my hands to really get to know what things I can accomplish on my own and not have to go outside of me to look for the answer.
You can talk yourself out of these morning flues of anxiousness that await you while your head is still on the pillow. When you have that conversation with yourself, you're able to take care of you. When we are expectant somebody else to take care of things for us or that we're not important enough to take care of things for us, then we are always on the sidelines. This is something that will truly allow you to put yourself at the forefront and really understand what is the chatter going on in your mind? How can you address it and how can you solve for it?
So I hope that helps you this week. If you want to learn more ways you can truly figure out how to show up for you, then you will not want to miss my next round of Thrive after infertility. It is a small group of women that comes together once a week and really talks about the things that have us feeling like we are not fulfilled or meaningful or purposeful because we haven't had children. I would love for you to join us. The next round is starting in February and the application process will be opening up soon. On the podcast there's no way I could possibly go as deep as I do when you are one of my students, or you are part of one of my masterminds or one on one, however it is that we'd work together. It's very impactful and I want you to be part of it.
So let me know. Send me a message and let it set up some time to talk. I'll talk to you next week.
This week we talk about why we being good enough is unattainable for us. It feels like it's just something that we never fully achieve, that we do these things, we try these things. Are put into circumstances that we weren't necessarily expecting to have, and we go at life feeling like, mm, my life's gonna be okay.
It'll be like average, but it's just never gonna be good enough. There's always gonna be somebody whose life feels more complete or they feel like there's so much more fortunate than you because they were able to become moms or able to have children or adopt or whatever the case was. And we walk around almost with this tattoo on our chest that says, I'm not good enough and I really wanna talk about this today because it's something that we need to start to disengage from a story that isn't true and a story that doesn't make you feel proud of who you are and make you feel like you're in control of your life.
I wanna practice learning how to show up with some authentic. In what it is that you're looking to achieve and believe about yourself. So I wanna first ask you, whenever you hear yourself telling you that you're not good enough, how does it feel? I would be like super frustrated and I have been, and I would really want to wish I could stop thinking that way.
And maybe you think that there's something wrong with you, that you're still thinking this thought that people tell you all the time how lucky you are, that you're so strong, you've gone through all of this stuff and you still have , your life together and people tell you things. You think that something is wrong with you, that people see your life so differently than you do, and I really want to get you to start thinking about why you have a relationship with the thought.
I'm not good enough.
Maybe you're telling yourself you're not thin enough. You're not articulate enough, you're not smart enough, you don't work hard enough, or maybe you're too much of something, or you believe that you're too loud, you're too fat, maybe you're too successful and you try to shy away from that. So there's variations of that thought.
And when you see those things coming up for you, what do you. Do you think that it's something you're always gonna struggle with? Do you think that it's something you'll never be able to get rid of? And I ask you that because it does come up so often and I too have been there. But after this episode, you will not ever want to have the desire to get rid of that thought, because you're gonna start to understand how to use that thought and create a deeper relationship with yourself because of it. So start by noticing all the stories and all of the relationship that we have created with this thought, and just decide that for right now, you're gonna set them aside and I'm gonna help you get really curious and understand why your brain might be offering this thought to you in different ways.
Maybe your brain's telling you that you're never gonna get promoted, that you'll never have the right job come around to explore a new career. You're never gonna be able to lose weight or whatever it is that it is. That's coming up for you in your life right now. Just imagine that thought that comes up for you.
I want you to first give yourself some sort of relief in the fact that you are not thinking this alone. And that is so why I brought that up for this week's topic is because it comes up so often. People are accustomed to believing that what they do is just not good enough.
And it seems like we all have that sentence on repeat because it's just a habit that is created in our brain, and maybe there's a little bit of social comparison and a social desire to really belong .
it's so common as humans that we measure the way that we show up in our lives against. Somebody else or in relation to others, and something that we've accepted for ourselves that we didn't have resources to actually question. So we just adopt those standards as very intentional and deliberate, many of us just have this sentence on repeat in our brain because our brain is designed to.
Seek repetition and continuously do things and become efficient in a way that it just automatically knows what to do and what to think when certain things come up. So you have not done anything wrong. It's just that your brain has created this habit to think that you're not good enough, but it does not have to remain your truth.
When we look at the thought, I'm not good enough. I'd love for you to start to get curious about when that comes up for you. Maybe you can even identify the last time you did something and your thought was, eh, it wasn't good enough. Or it was average, or I could have probably done a better job, or I wish I would've done that differently.
You can stop there and start to create some questions for yourself. Why am I thinking that? What about the action I just completed or the task I just completed? Am I not fully satisfied with why do I. It's not good enough. And when we start to create that space for ourselves, it's amazing how we can realize that a lot of the things that we think aren't good enough are just adopted beliefs by somebody else.
Maybe it's not a big deal to you that you don't know how to cook a Turkey. Some people, they don't care if they don't mind ordering out because they're like, you know what? That's just not my wheelhouse. But maybe you tried creating a perfect Thanksgiving meal and the ham turned out dry. And one of the desserts that you thought was gonna be fabulous was not so great.
And you could either look at it as, my Gus will never come back. I'm not good enough. I don't have a good gene to learn how to cook. Or just be like, you know what? My meal wasn't great, but we had an awesome. People didn't come there to have my food. Yeah, people want to eat when they come to my house, but the main attraction at my house is not the meal, it's the company.
All right, so I'm gonna offer you a couple questions to do some paper thinking on what do you want to be worthy. So you hear yourself say, good enough or not good enough, or average, or, I could be better, but what do you want to be worthy of? Do you wanna be worthy of admiration and respect? And regardless of what people say to you or how people treat you, do you want to be worthy of your own?
value and your own self respect.
So in order to be worthy of acceptance, what do you think you need to be?
All right, question two, who do you want to be good enough for? If, if anyone, I mean, is there someone in your life that you want to be good enough for?
A partner, a coworker, your niece, your mom, your sister, and if there is an attachment there to be good enough for somebody or an attachment with a person, you can learn what it is that you think that person will offer. If you are good enough for them. All right, question three. How does this definition serve me for where I'm going?
And this is so important to understand because if we know that we want to create a life that we love being us and without children and without having to have something external. From us in order to feel good about ourselves, then we need to understand where do we wanna go in our future? Like why is this something that is important to us?
You were able to create so many amazing things in your life. And there's no reason for you to try and tell yourself that
you not being able to have children has to create a definition for yourself that makes you feel that you're not good enough. . All right, next question.
Why do I want to be good enough for these people and what am I telling myself will change for.
So in order for you to step into your own authenticity, to be more aware of who you are, you have to start to recognize that the game of enoughness is unwinnable. When we constantly set the bar higher than. Anyone has ever reached, or maybe two people in the world have ever reached, like, when we have this idea of perfection as our norm, then we're always going to be disappointed.
So I want you to think about this this week and really get to understand how you can start to show yourself some more acceptance and awareness when you. Allowing yourself to be proud of who you are when you're telling yourself that you'll never be good enough or you're not good enough, or that meal wasn't good enough, or the email you sent off wasn't strong enough.
I mean, there's 1,000,001 things that we go through in our day telling ourselves it could have been better, but what if you were perfect? Just the way you are because you are a perfect gift from above. So I love you. I hope to see you at the holiday party. If you haven't heard about my holiday party, festive after infertility, I'd love for you to go to my bio, sign up, join me, and be festive and bring cheer, cuz that's really what it's about.
I wanted to get women together in a virtual forum where we are celebrating who we. And believing that we are enough. So I love you. Have a great week, and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
This week you will get a glimpse into a LIVE call I did about handling the Holidays. Here's the key takeaways:
- This will be the last day you are going to have to struggle around the holidays
- How to deal with family and friends when you ae unable to have children
- Get clear on mental exercises you can use to create lifelong practices
- How to feel recognized and gratified even though IVF didn't work for you
- Defining success and fulfillment and how to create your action plan.
- A testimonial from one of my students about the impact coaching has offered her in her infertility journey.
Are you ready to make change? Join the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind and learn to THRIVE and feel fulfilled without the children you always dreamed you would have.
Are you starting to get these holiday blues that just seem to be inevitable this time of year? Cause if you are, you are in the right place. I am going to be doing a deep dive into the holidays, and I'm going to start off this week by talking about the holidays more on the podcast, but I'm also going to be hosting a free call this coming Saturday November 19th at 11:00 AM Central and the reason I decided to put this call together is because I know so many of us in the infertility community, we see the Christmas decorations coming out. We think about Thanksgiving and the US here next week about running into family members that we don't often see, and the anticipation of, oh my gosh ...What if Aunt Sally asks me what's going on and reminds me that my biological clock is ticking, or maybe I've put some weight on because I've finished my IVF treatments. I've packed the pounds on during my fertility treatments. And they just haven't come off. And I know I'm gonna show up to this event and I know we all have that one person in our family that loves to point out when we put a couple extra pounds on.
So maybe you're dreading showing up this year being a few extra pounds heavier than you were last time. What I want to show is that all of this is optional, and I know for you it might not feel like it is. What I have discovered has offered me the greatest amount of. Freedom. And the thing that I work most on with my students is learning how to be in control of how you feel.
It's not something many people talk about. A lot of people think that things happen, and our reaction to things is just natural and it is just uncontrollable. And I wanna point out to you that your reaction might feel natural to you right now. Because you've never been aware of this amazing superpower, you have to control your mind.
And to understand what it is that is coming up for you. And that's really the key to all of this. And the reason that the students I work with have gained so much more emotional freedom in their life and have such a better outlook on their future because we work on getting very in tune with what you're feeling and what thoughts are coming up for you when you're feeling a certain.
So I hope that you'll join us on Saturday. The call's free, and it is solely intended to be an open forum for me to offer you some tools that I have found helpful and that my students use, as well as giving you an opportunity to come online and tell me what it is that's coming up for you, and let's just discover how we can go into the holidays feeling.
Okay, about showing up to Thanksgiving this year, or the holiday parties that you're invited to that you probably don't wanna go to. Figuring out how you can create a plan of action for yourself before you even walk through the door. So join me on Saturday. Message me on Instagram @lana.manikowski and I'll get you the login information. So I hope to see you there on Saturday at 11:00 AM Central. All right, well, let's get started this week. Let's talk about the holidays and let's talk about. We make the holidays harder because of a story that we tell ourselves of how the holidays should be.
I don't know about you, but I think that there is a sensationalized expectation that society creates around the holidays when we judge ourselves for not. Festive or not feeling excited or feeling the magic that we think the holidays should create for us, We are basically creating so much anxiety for ourselves because we in our hearts are not feeling a way that we think we should be feeling around the holidays.
And so that's what we're gonna dive deep into this week. We are gonna understand that a date on the calendar is not a reason to feel joy or a date on the calendar is not a reason to feel sadness. We are gonna work on how to get into the crux of the thoughts that are whirling in your mind about a date on the calendar.
When we tell ourselves that we should be feeling a certain way, we're not giving ourselves the opportunity to celebrate the holidays as they are. And you'll notice I'm using a lot of shoulds. Maybe I should have a baby by. I should have a family that can go sit on Santa's lap for Christmas pictures. I should have a child that I could sit down and write a letter to Santa with.
So there are a lot of things. I should be stronger. I shouldn't be affected the way that I am about being childless this holiday, and people shouldn't be asking me questions about whether I'm gonna have a child. Or whether I'm aware that I have a biological clock. We are basically creating ourselves an expectation that we should be happy because it is Thanksgiving or because the holidays are amongst us and they're supposed to be this magical time that goes on because the calendar is telling us so.
But we haven't even asked ourselves, is that how we want to feel? Is that truly how we feel in our hearts? All of a sudden, do we flip a page on a calendar and then all of a sudden our feelings just are supposed to turn into a snow globe? And my answer to you is now, when we keep our definition of how the holidays should be in a way that they don't truly feel to.
We're creating anxiety for ourselves because if we're not feeling a certain way, we're telling ourselves something is wrong with us, and so we're buying into this old created story and that actually negates our ability to enjoy life where we are right now. Do you think that there's anybody who has no anxiety, no stress, joy in their heart all the time.
Happiness 24 7. Around the holidays. I don't know about you, but in my family there's a lot of stress around the holidays. There's the shopping aspect, there's the entertaining aspect. For me, there's the childless aspect. There are so many things people forget around the holidays or not happy around the holidays, and then they go on and judge themselves because they're not having happy holidays.
when you tell yourself a story of how your holidays should be, Basically confines you because your brain is getting overloaded, looking for ways that you haven't experienced the holidays in a way that you think you should. And when you allow yourself to enjoy or experience things the way that they are with who you are today with the definition of what your life contains today, or the reality of how your future is gonna look and.
You don't allow yourself to enjoy the parts of your life that feel good, and you are focusing on the parts of your life that feel lacking or maybe like you're missing out. You're preventing yourself and not giving yourself the space to take in things the way that they are in your life, and you actually limit what your life is about and what the holidays can mean to.
And the good parts and the happy parts and the joyful parts just get glazed over because you are being so focused on the parts that aren't good or aren't as you imagined in your life and for your future, you have the opportunity to walk into your gatherings and celebrations with who you are today.
What you aren't today, you have so much strength and resilience and power and courage you can be proud of. For some reason, we as humans, our brain just does not allow us to recognize that part of us. We don't give ourselves credit for what we've endured and how we still show up each day in our lives because, let's be honest, we have survived 100% of our worst days.
Think about the days that have been so hard for you and the news that has been so hard for you to bear, and the reality about your future. You've survived all that girl. There is not one person who is listening to this today who has not survived 100% of your worst days, yet we fail to give ourselves credit for it.
We have proven true that we can make it through the hardest times. The most amazing thing is we have the ability to feel. And experience any feeling that comes our way. And how do I know that? Because we're all here breathing, listening to this podcast, and we have felt and endured some really heavy feelings when we think about what we've gone through and what we've endured, and look at ourselves as though we are a champion.
And we are the strong one, and we are resilient and powerful and beautiful because we are here today and we have the courage to show up each day and try once again. That is, The type of story that I'm talking about, that you can walk into a situation or walk into a holiday where people maybe feel sorry for you.
They wish that you had a kid and they wish that your dream came true, but instead of you adopting their story of sadness and accepting it as just a gesture of love from them, you don't have to believe that you're weak. Your dream of motherhood didn't happen for you or that the goal that you started out working towards didn't end up the way that you wanted it to.
That doesn't mean that you are less than or lacking or not a valuable member of your family. What if it means that you are the strong one? What if you happen to be the one that everybody admires because what you went through, they just couldn't imagine showing up as somebody who is still strong and powerful and beautiful like you.
When we start to learn how to. Navigate the story in our minds. That is where our power comes from, and that is what I love to teach in my community. When we have a story that we are firm in with our minds, and maybe we have an idea of how we want our holidays to be, maybe we don't want to do the same traditions and the things that we did as kids.
That just seems to be on rinse and repeat every year because that's just your family tradit. What if you decided that you wanna create your own traditions as you this very day, as the person whose life isn't what it was like when you were 10 years old or when you were 20 years old? What if you decide with your partner that you are creating your own tradition?
And it doesn't have to be in accordance with the way that things have been done the last 50 years in your family. How amazing would it be if you decided that you want to create a new meaning of Christmas for you, or a new meaning of Thanksgiving, or a new way to celebrate or a new place to do what? There are so many opportunities.
Know that you can branch. And be the new version of you, and so you can show up being the most amazing person in that room because that's who you believe that you are. The other thing is that we can never make up for what we don't have. And there's no reason to believe that you have to. You don't have to show up, apologizing to people.
Or taking on other people's emotions. If they have sadness about what you've endured and you don't want to show up as somebody who is sad, then decide. You don't have to be somebody who's sad. You can be somebody who's brave and powerful and meaningful in the human body and the human existence that you have today.
So align yourself with what value and what you want to have. How do you want to show up and how do you want to be? Because grief doesn't have to. Define your holiday, and a holiday season is an opportunity for you to maybe take an inventory of what's important to you, what feels good to you this year?
What is your goal for Thanksgiving, and why are you deciding to attend? Do you want to attend? What are the good things that are coming out of attending? Maybe you're gonna see somebody that you only see a couple times a year and you really look forward to that. Maybe. There's this dessert on the menu or a food that you like to make, and you only make it a couple times a year, maybe there's an opportunity for you to bring something new to the party.
The holidays do not have to be ridden with sadness and ridden with things that you don't have and that you dreamed of having, and there doesn't have to be a sense of lack. When it comes to you and when you get on the call on Saturday, we are gonna create this whole new belief system about who we are going into the holiday season.
You do not have to celebrate in a way that you think you should be celebrating. You can celebrate from a way that you want to celebrate. There is so much more growth opportunity and. A sense of lightness when you show up being who you want to be instead of who you think you should be. So have an awesome week.
Can't wait to talk to you on Saturday. And remember, it's never too late to discover your meanng. I'll talk to you next week.
Have you noticed that since finding out that you weren't gonna be a mom, you felt as though your life is at a standstill. Is life just going on around you and you were sort of in this surf of life, so you might be moving forward, but not necessarily by your own projection?
Do you feel like you were are moving forward on this wave in your career, but you didn't really have sort of a grounding on where you were and where you see yourself in the future.
I work a lot with women that are successful, career driven women in the corporate world, just total bad asses and fertility happens and then you feel like you are stuck in your professional career with no direction. It's not a great place to be long term if you are somebody who is used to success, used to thriving, used to being somebody that always had forward movement in their life.
This is something that we commonly deal with in our community here. I thought today it would be really interesting to offer you some opportunities to see whether this is where you are in your career. So I was working with my, one of my students last week. She has had a successful career and where she's been, she's never really thought about where she wanted to go in her.
She thought about one day maybe becoming a mom and leaving work altogether. Like she just never thought she would be at a point where she was working this far into her or into her life, being in her career, because she thought she was going to, you know, be a stay-at-home mom. So now that she knows that's not going to happen, there's this feeling of pressure.
Is this what I want to do?
What else do I want to be?
Being somebody who's always identified with this position in your job. The type of women that I work with are historically very successful, career driven, active in the community, doers just. Your typical thriving female who, until infertility, until the fertility journey came about, never really felt like there was not a clear roadmap on where their life was going, that there was just always this forward movement.
And then infertility happens. Your fertility journey ends. You don't have a child, and a lot of the women in my community are not used to that stagnation that you feel. When you find out that life is just gonna be so different than you imagined it would. My student that I was working on never thought that at this point in her life she would be working.
So she never really thought about a career path beyond what she was doing. She had desires to maybe work part-time, enjoy having some dabbling in. Professional world, but really be a stay at home mom. So she never really thought much about what she wanted to do in her future because, you know, just assumed she was gonna be a mom.
So if you relate to that, and you're at this point now where you're done with your fertility journey, you know you're living. The future without children, and you really desire to create that plan for yourself, but it's just not clear to you. I'm gonna share with you some of the tools that we've been using and to help you sort of figure that out.
And first of all, recognizing what it is in your career that you like. What are the things you enjoy doing? What are the things that you're good at? What are some things that maybe you have been interested that other people do, but. Just never imagined yourself there, so you did not dig in deeper. So getting curious, what are you good at?
What are your strengths? Maybe creating a brand statement for yourself, which is a practice my students do. We work on this together, creating your brand statement. In order to create that brand statement, you have to get really clear. A, a very robust list of questions and thought work that we do to get to that point, to really be clear on who you are as this new version of you as, as this future that is just so your oyster.
What is it that you aspire to be or aspire to? And that might freak you out because that seems like a really big lift after coming off this infertility journey. But the greatest thing about it is that this can evolve. Just the practice of going through and challenging your mind. To get creative and to let the barriers down and to let the automatic know, I couldn't do that, or no, I might not be good at that.
Learning how to turn that off and get curious when you have those thoughts come up that I might not be good at that or. What if I don't excel? What if I'm not successful? All these things that might be coming up for you instead of shutting them down and just saying, Okay, I'm just gonna stay where I'm at in my warm, cozy, comfy place.
But if you take an opportunity to evaluate, why am I thinking that when that comes up, be like, What about this new trajectory? Do I feel like I wouldn't be good at? Is it maybe one thing that you might not be good at versus 10 things that you know you are good at, but you're letting this one potential doubt in your mind hold you back from going forward.
So what we work on is understanding what it is that you're thinking and then asking yourself, is that really true? That is some of the best work that we've been working on as far as creating a. Potential for where you want to go in your future, in your workplace, in a talent, and something that you aspire to try.
And it's been really magical work, so I hope that's of help to you. I know it can feel overwhelming. I know it could feel very daunting to start to even consider what your possibilities are, but when you work with someone like me, I will help you navigate what that roadmap looks like in your future and when you get this trajectory of starting to dream again, you will feel such a lightness and such a ability to truly breathe again and start to thrive again. I hope this was helpful. I also wanted to offer you the fact that I know the holidays are coming up. If you're like me, you are wondering how the heck we've already skipped Thanksgiving, and here we are with Christmas decorations everywhere we look, and I know what a triggering time the holidays can be.
You might be. Not looking forward to a holiday. Get together because you know, you've gotta walk into that family gathering and be asked again. When are you gonna have kids? Any baby news. You know? These questions that I know are so. Innocently asked, but really get to the core of the sadness and the emptiness and the loneliness that many of us feel around the holiday season.
So because of that, I have put together a guide to meaningful holidays. I would love to share it with you, and you might find great value in preparing yourself for some of the things that are giving you some anxiousness around the holidays. I'm also offering a free call on Saturday, November the 19th. If you're interested in joining that, we are gonna go through the guide together.
I'm gonna help you figure out how to fill it out so that you can best utilize it and really, Some time in there to do some one-on-one coaching. If there's something that's really been bothering you, some anxiousness or some dread that you're feeling around the holidays, bring it to the call. Let's talk about it.
Do you know how good that feels for 60 weeks? I don't know if I've ever been so consistent about anything for 60 weeks, but it feels so good to show up here every week and connect with you.
And for those of you, you know who you are. It's people like you who are continuously showing up every week. Working to create a life that feels fulfilling and you feel like you're thriving again. and you are the exact people that keep me fueled. The ones that want to move from this feeling of helplessness that we've all felt and this feeling of captivity and this life that is so different than you ever dreamed of.
And the fact that you show up here every week and share 10 or 15 minutes of your time with me means so much. I hope that you are getting exactly what you need out of this podcast. I know how I felt when I was going through infertility and my journey came to an end, and I felt like there were so few resources out there.
The more we can share this message with others, The more we can create a community of women that feel like they are thriving and feel like there is purpose and hope and fulfillment in this future without children. Let's talk this week about self-compassion last week's episode. If it made you cringe a little bit talking about self pity, if it made you feel at all angry towards me or a feeling that I might not be as compassionate as you thought I was, then you are listening to the right person.
Because I come here every week to share the truths of what it is like to get to the other side of infertility. I am much. Than a lot of people in the life after infertility community in the fact that I have done this work to get to a place that I truly. Feel like I can show up in everyday life and in this world that is full of people that are offering us suggestions and offering us hope, and offering us stories of people who have had this miraculous pregnancy years after their infertility journey ended.
If we are constantly. Worried or constantly beholden to the words of others, then we never truly know what it's like to live. That is exactly why the content that I present to you and the type of coaching and teaching that I teach to my students and in my community is significantly the hard stuff. The stuff that does not feel.
Sometimes like it's the stuff you wanna hear. That's the stuff I talk about. Last week's episode, we talked about having self pity and let me first say, I was not somebody who bypassed the self pity. The majority of the reason why I chose to get certified and chose to create this community is because I sat in that feeling of self pity for a very long time, and that was not a comfortable place for me, but I did not know that there was another option.
There was no one out there talking about how to live a fruitful life and live a fulfilled and purposeful life. And I just felt like I always had to exist with this feeling of self pity for my story and for my journey, and feeling as though everyone who I knew that went through IVF was successful except for me.
Let me tell you that if you are feeling self p. I am not judging you for that. I am just showing you that there is an opportunity to live differently and live with self-compassion and having self-compassion is such a more forward moving energy. Where self pity is something that keeps you stuck and keeps you retelling this story in your mind that is likely unchangeable, that your infertility is always going to be the cause of things that are holding you back, or things that are keeping you from feeling complete or things that are keeping.
From achieving fulfillment and happiness in your life, the option to move past that is there, and we all do it at our own pace. I just want you to know that it's possible because there are not a lot of people that talk about moving past. Infertility. When we talk about self-compassion, that might seem a little too fr for for you.
When I first learned about self-compassion, I was not aware of how useful it could really be. I thought it was babying myself and I was one of these people that was just nose to the floor. Get your work done, work harder, work smarter, be more diligent than the people around you to become successful. And I thought things like feeling your feelings and self-compassion were just way too soft for me, to be honest.
Cuz I wasn't soft, warm and fuzzy person. I was a kind person. I was a compassionate person towards others. I was a loving person towards others, but I was not familiar with how to put all of those things that I gave to others towards me. And when I learned the concept of self-compassion and how to act self-compassionate to myself, that's when I started to feel like things were unfolding in my life and things look.
There could be a future that felt complete to me. Know that I am not judging anybody who is feeling self pity because I know what it's like. I just want to show you that there are more options. If at all that peak to your interest, keep listening as I talk to you about what it is like to show yourself self-compassion.
And let me first tell you. The key to feeling self-compassion is to understand what it is you are feeling, and this is something that we're working on right now in the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind is feeling your feelings. We just want to know the roadmap to feeling better. We wanna know, Okay, how'd you get there?
What are the steps? What route do I need to be on? And what path do I need to follow so I can get there? And we want to just gloss over the feelings part when we work together, whether it's in my one-on-one container or in my group mastermind coaching container, we get really like dialed into feelings because in my opinion, that is where the understanding of your future.
We'll lie when we understand what it is that we're feeling and instead of judging ourselves for feeling as though we are an outsider or feeling as though we have this huge jigsaw puzzle of 5,000 pieces and there's always going to be 500 of those 5,000 pieces that are missing. And so that puzzle of ours in our life will never be complete as we work together.
And understand the, the true feelings that we're feeling, and we just allow ourselves to feel them and acknowledge that we're feeling them. That is the step one of self-compassion. If you remember back, I wanna say it was like episode 38 where I talked about noticing and normalizing our beliefs that.
What goes hand in hand with understanding your feelings? If I wanna understand what I'm feeling, I pay attention. We, we do our paper thinking, all the crazy ups and downs that go on in our day, the normal swirls that our brain takes us in. We put all that down on paper. We start to understand what it is that we're feeling.
So we identify certain feelings and then we go backwards from that feeling. What am I believing or what am I thinking? About my story or about my day or about my future that has me feeling depleted. Maybe it's believing that I'll never fit in or I'll never feel complete. If we acknowledge that those are normal feelings that people have that have infertility, then we could just put that to peace and stop.
Feeling like we are the worst case scenario or stop feeling that we always have bad luck or that things never go right for us. When we let the self pity go and show ourselves compassion by noticing what it is we're feeling and then normalizing. And saying, of course, there are so many women in this community that know exactly what I'm feeling.
There are so many women who probably feel like their future seems so empty. If you're just let yourself be that loving spirit to yourself and let yourself just feel these feelings without judgment. , and I promise you, if you just practice not judging yourself when you feel this way or not feeling as though your life is always unfair, or that you are always the one to get the short end of the stick, you'll see such a shift in the way that your energy is moving.
Because when we constantly tell ourselves, That we are the victim of something, then we're always in that container of victimhood, Whereas listening to ourselves and acknowledging that we feel this way and that we're not alone, and even if I'm the only person you've ever heard that speaks to some of the stuff that you are feeling right now, just knowing that I exist lets you be not.
Lean into that part of it. Don't compare yourself to the people who get pregnant so easily, or the people who have kids and complain about them. Like that is not helpful information. Recognizing and acknowledging how you're feeling is one of the greatest gifts of self-compassion that you can offer.
So here we are. We're at the start of a new month. Why don't we make November? Be our month to practice self-compassion and just practice reconnecting with yourself and explore the opportunity to. Notice and neutralize the emotions that you're feeling and understand what it even is that you're feeling.
And get curious. Don't just stop with, I'm feeling sad, I'm feeling depressed. Like really dig into that. Like that is some of the most useful work that we are doing in the Mastermind right now, and this is the stuff that really makes the change when we understand. The true feeling and not just the happy, sad, good, bad stuff.
I mean deeper than that, and then dialing it even further to say, Okay, what is it that I'm thinking about my future or thinking about my infertility that has me feeling disconnected? And let's take this month to allow space for all of it, and know that if you need to cry, cry, if you wanna write. Do whatever it takes to get those emotions out of you and realize that you might feel anxious and overwhelmed.
And that's okay, because that is what life is all about, and that's how you will get to the side of infertility that has you thriving and feeling fulfilled again, is if you allow yourself to just lean into this and do life and have the human experience. And it can be messy and it can be an ongoing struggle for all of us and myself too.
I mean, don't be fooled that I never have a bad day. I just know how to deal with my bad days so much better because I allow myself to have them and I don't judge myself and say that I should be further along and that I should never be affected by seeing a mom in a baby connect in the grocery line or walking through Target and going through the maternity section and wondering what I would've looked like pregnant.
Those things still run through in my mind. I'm not immune to them, but if I let myself just feel them and have compassion for myself and tell myself, of course you feel that way, and of course you're curious about what could have been. And I just let those things sit with me and I feel them. I am at such a more progressed place than I was feeling sorry or feeling, feeling victimized by my infertility.
I hope that this is something that gains more clarity for you because this is truly the foundation to creating a thriving and meaningful and fulfilling life. And I have some great news. I know there are many of you who are interested in working with me, and I finally have some more space available to take on some new students.
This is your time, ladies. If you don't do anything, things are not gonna get better, and I so want you to feel those awesome feelings that you deserve to have about your future and about your life, and about yourself as a woman. Let me know how we can help you. Send me a message. As you know, I changed my handle.
I'm now @lana.mankowski on Instagram. I will be switching to lanamankowski.com on my website, but for now, you can still find at www.stitchcoaching.com. But know that you can get to the other side of this. You can feel fulfilled, you can find your purpose. And remember, it is never too late to discover your meeting and I'll talk to you next week.
Love ya.
This week I want to talk about part 2 of Episode 58 where we talked about people feeling sorry for us. If you haven't listened to that episode, I advise you go back and listen to that first and kind of get a little bit of context about what I'm going to talk about this week. This past weekend we had a wedding in our ethnic community. If you don't know, my family is originally from Serbia, so we have a very close-knit community.
I grew up in an area that had a ton of people from Serbia. A lot of people in my high school. A lot of Events for us to go to as kids, traditional dances, folklore, all this type of stuff. It was really like a fun environment to grow up in. So there was a big wedding for a family that my family has known for many generations.
And historically, weddings used to make me really sad, during our fertility journey, but especially after we found out we couldn't be parents because you know it's like you go to this wedding, you see this couple. I would put myself back into that place of all the things I didn't know were waiting for me.
All the challenges that I had no clue were ahead of me when people were wishing me years of good luck and many kids and prayers about growing and fruitful family. So weddings historically have taken me back to a place that I felt really sad. I felt a lot of emptiness, a lot of self pity.
So that's exactly what we're going to talk about this week. How self pity holds us back and how of all the negative emotions that exist, self pity has no place for us.
I see way too many women with infertility have their dreams robbed by self pity. So let me first clarify. Self pity is much different than self-compassion. The definition of self pity is excessive self-absorbed unhappiness over one's troubles. That is much different than having self-compassion, I think a lot of us go through a period of feeling self pity and absolutely no judgment for that because.
Just something that you might not be aware of is optional. We start pitying ourselves because we're not happy, and we start to feel bad about feeling bad. So like my wedding, for example, I could start feeling sorry for myself because I feel incomplete, which makes me feel bad. Totally disempowered and then feel like I should just skip the wedding.
I shouldn't go. I shouldn't report my podcast. I shouldn't teach a class. I shouldn't work with any of my students today. And then I'm feeling bad for feeling bad. Why do I have to be the one that feels this way or the one that does all the work on myself?
It's because I'm entitled to feel better. I decided, I made a decision that I don't want to indulge in any kind of self pity, and so I shift my mind and recognize that oftentimes I make my negative emotional experience so much worse by feeling bad about feeling bad. So are you with me? Have that experience of judging themselves because they feel like they shouldn't be feeling the way they do.
If you find that you're doing that, you can take action and decide that that is just not a useful way for you to feel. When things don't go as you had planned, and we feel as though we did everything we should and things just shouldn't be so hard for us, and we shouldn't have to work as hard as we do to wake up and feel good about ourselves or do this thought work and do this paper thinking, and we're asking ourselves, why is this happen?
Why do we feel like we're not good enough? And then start comparing yourself to the people out there that get pregnant so easy. So you see, self pity comes from identifying and thinking of ourselves as victims of our infertility. We feel as if something should be different.
So we externalize the cause of our issues, comparing ourselves to others, and accepting defeat when we haven't even lost. And that's why there are so many people that maybe try one of my exercises or read one book or listen to one podcast about life after failing IVF and it doesn't work right away, and then they quit and they say, I'm too broken.
I have way too much heartache. This is reserved for other people. I will never feel better because my road through infertility is just something that you never recover from. So they. end up quitting and then ensure that they are never going to get to the other side of things where they feel fulfilled again and they feel like they are thriving again.
They're just creating more proof that they should feel sorry for themselves, and they shouldn't have what they really want. Self pity is very sneaky. And oftentimes it comes in and you don't even notice it, and you'll start to feel bad about yourself and for yourself. I'll give you an example.
Have you ever noticed that when someone is going through something horrible and you might say, Oh my gosh, I am so glad that is not me. I am so glad I'm not having to go through. That's what your brain is saying about you. When you are sitting in self pity, it's like, oh gosh, it sucks to be you.
You're the worst-case scenario. you are the person that no woman wants to be. You're basically going through this situation that you're claiming is horrible. But then you're feeling horrible about feeling horrible. So self-pity is one of the most indulgent emotions, and we then give in feel sorry for ourselves, and instead of changing what is changeable, we give up and feel bad about giving up on ourselves with no recognition that giving up is not the same as losing. Giving up is failing on purpose. I want you ladies to think about how you want to feel. And when we put self pity in our F of the BFA cycle, the belief you'll act cycle. When we're feeling self pity, it's most likely that the action we're going to take is to quit, slow down and accept defeat. Giving up is not the same as losing. Giving up is failing on purpose. You do not need to give up on creating or seeking a future for yourself that feels like you are thriving or feels like you are fulfilled or purposeful or meaningful because you have infertility or because you did not have the children that you always dreamed of. Taking the action, quitting, or giving up on yourself or on your desire to feel something that feels more fulfilling or feels more purposeful, does not relieve yourself of pity. In fact, it perpetuates and then you feel even more sorry for yourself because it didn't work out for you. Then you start blaming other people and things other people say or believe or take on the beliefs of people that are feeling sorry for you around you. And then there you are.
You're never getting out of this cycle of self. Be really aware of this and ask yourself: Am I feeling self pity? You know you're feeling self-pity if you make a lot of excuses, you don't follow through on a lot of your actions. Self pity is hard to see these things in ourselves.
We don't want to see what we're doing, we see that the world is a tough place and that we have this terrible circumstance of infertility or childlessness, and we don't own all of it. Whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself about something or about my infertility or the life that I believed I had to live because I was unable to have children.
I felt like I needed to tell the world how unfair my life was or how. Other people just have things so much easier than me, or that as much as I try, I just can never feel better, and I have this injustice of what happened to me. Self pity thrives on helplessness. You have this story that you create, this belief that you create that there's nothing that you can do but sit around and feel sorry for yourself or feel incomplete, that this horrible thing happened to you. You did nothing to deserve it. What I promise is that you can change your thinking about it when self pity is whining and complaining. So when you hear yourself whining, and of course I hear myself whining too, and I'll catch myself and I'll be like, Wow, I'm really feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like I'm entitled to more, and yet I don't want to take the action to get more out of my life. I just want to sit here and feel sorry for myself. You can't feel sorry for yourself and indulge in self pity and also take effective action at the same time. It's clear that you're either doing one or the other. It feels terrible when someone feels sorry for you.
We talked about that in last week's episode, and you never want someone to pity you, yet you are doing it to yourself when someone is pitying you. You don't necessarily want to be around them, but you're doing both. When you have self pity, you're feeling sorry for yourself and you're feeling sorry for yourself.
So it's a terrible place to be and it's just not useful. Again, remember that feeling sorry for yourself is much different than having self-compassion. One of the reasons my students have so much growth and thrive and feel fulfilled after working with me is because they learn the skill of self-compassion in a way that moves them forward, not in a way that sets them back, not in a way that they have a list of 10 things, not to say to women with infertility.
They realize that they want to have a life that feels so freaking good again because they don't want to give up on who they can be in their future because they couldn't have children. We don't do that by feeling sorry for ourselves. We do that by being very curious when feelings come up, when feelings of sadness, feelings of en.
Feelings of comparison come up. We get crystal clear on how those emotions move us towards the person we want to be in our future that is thriving, feels fulfilled, feels purposeful, wants to leave a legacy behind. Behind that does not need to include having a child. If this at all piques your interest, or you're wondering how you can make that transition.
If you are somebody who wants to be that successful person in your life again, and that person that is fearless and that person that goes after their dreams and their goals, I can't wait to help you. Know that this is not reserved for special people like me or the women that I've worked with in my community, that you have every perfect gift within you right this minute to create a life that feels so fabulous again.
Have a beautiful week. I love you. And remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
things are progressing here. everything.
Um, thrive after infertility, moving along fabulously. I'm just so in love with the program. I can't wait to talk about when we're gonna open the doors again. If it sounds like something you're interested, let me know now because I think I'm gonna keep it at a small group. I love the vibe, I love the personal interaction we have with one another.
I love that we can communicate with each other. And so yeah, you've been wanting to thrive again after infertility. Let me know. I'd love for you to join our next group. So this week I'm gonna talk about something I think will resonate with most of you because it is one of the most common things that we coach on and as somebody who went through an infertility journey and never became a mom, I really struggled with, and I'm gonna just sort of condense some of the highlights of things that I've worked on with some of my one-on-one students that really have us feeling stuck. And what it is, is that feeling that people feel sorry for.
I mean, we can all recognize the fact that we want people to stop telling us that they are sorry. And one of the things that I find comes up so commonly is that there is just this never ending sympathy people offer when they find out. That you could not become a mom and maybe you can resonate with us.
I know I do. When I tell somebody that I don't have kids and they say, Oh, you know, you still have time, or they offer you whatever they want to offer you, and then they lean in. I could just like vividly see it, put their hand on their chest and almost in a whisper say, I'm so sorry.
I got to a point that I was so sick and tired of people feeling sorry for me. The women that I work with in my community, we are high achievers. We are used to being successful. We are used to being leaders. We are used to being go-getters. And then this thing called infertility happens to you and you feel so set back in your life and this constant feeling that you are worthy of a sympathy card every day really, really grinds.
And how about the people who I know that they do it. I mean, I see that now cuz I've done a lot of work on myself. But this is some of the work that I do with my students is offering the idea that maybe people just don't know what to say and their way of showing compassion is by telling you that they're sorry or telling you that parenthood isn't cracked up.
To what everyone thinks it is or that you can borrow their kids. I mean, we hear that all the time too. And if it feels like you are uncomfortable with these things, know that the people offering you those things probably just don't know what to say. Cause in their mind, they couldn't imagine. What this life feels like and for you right now, it might feel very sad and that pity might just, just no at you.
I know I once was there, but people just don't know that you have this possibility to lead a magnificent life and you have this possibility. To live a life that is so much more fulfilling than children would have brought into your life. What we work on and what my students work on is that feeling of not needing the sympathy. People are always welcome to give it, but if you want to lead your life and perceive your life as something that is, Needing and deserving of sympathy, you are missing out on this life that is waiting for you.
I truly believe that people who offer those words, they don't even. Know how to scratch the surface of imagining what their life would be like without their children, and rightfully so. That is, that is their thing. They were able to become moms. They chose to become moms. Whatever their road to motherhood was, they are so entitled to that.
And I'm not trash talking the amount of purpose and meaning that they. Have in their life that they relate to being a mother. I love that for them. That is so wonderful. But what I want you to know is that you do not need that. You do not need to live a life that feels like it is a Hallmark sympathy card.
There is absolutely so much. That you can uncover with yourself and for your future just by being you. I know that might seem like a stretch for you right now, I get it. I was you, the students I work with were sitting where you are now, where they were angered by that feeling of sympathy. They were angered by.
This sense of pity that they received from people, but they just did not know where to go. That is why I created this community because if you are somebody who does not want to live a life that feels. Deserving of pity and deserving of sympathy. You have so much waiting for you that you just have not discovered and you haven't discovered it.
Cuz there are so few people out there talking about how to live a life that feels even more magnificent than the life you dreamed of being a mom and the ability that we. To show up each day and fill our lives based on who we are as women and who we want to be and who we show up Being every day is one of the most profound gifts that I have taken away from my infertility journey.
Every week, you know, I like to give you a little something that you can chew. A little something that you can know, and I want you to start thinking about a circumstance. Maybe it'll happen to you this week. Maybe it's happened to you recently where you've told somebody that you.
weren't a mom or somebody, they do their prying questions. I know it might be annoying to you, but we gotta give grace to these people and just say that they just, Some people are just really clueless. Okay? Some people don't know what infertility is. Some people just don't realize the path that some of us have gone on and.
we can show them grace. You can come to a point where you can look at them and just say, You know what? They just don't know better. They're not trying to hurt me. They're not trying to pour salt on my wounds. They just don't know. Put yourself in a position where you've maybe been there recently or you're going to maybe have someone provide you the I, I'm so sorry, hand on the chest.
Little drop in the voice and decide right? Then when you walk away from that conversation, stop and have a conversation with yourself and say, Okay, what is it that's coming up for me right now? What do I feel right now? Do I feel anger? Do I feel left out? Do I feel disconnected? What is that feeling that is coming up for?
and knowing that you're having that feeling, start to think , what am I thinking about myself? Or what am I believing about my story that is causing me to feel that way and just sit with it And then maybe even, I love doing this and this is something I work on with my students. Feel Where are you feeling that feeling in your body?
Maybe somewhere there might be some tightness in your chest. Maybe it's closer to your throat. Maybe you feel some tightness when somebody gives you that notion of sympathy and just pay attention to it and then decide is that story.
Is that belief that I'm having about feeling disconnected or. Feeling sorrowful. Is that a belief that I want to have about. And if you have it, there is nothing wrong with you for having that belief, but know that it is optional. And how do I know it's optional?
Because I don't have it anymore. A lot of the students I work with don't carry around those beliefs about themselves anymore. It just takes practice and the more you practice. Yeah, what it is you're feeling and recognizing what it is you are believing, you will get crystal clear on the thoughts and the beliefs that are coming up for you.
So it's kind of like a mini lesson that I teach in the BFA cycle, which by the way I'm doing a free call this coming Thursday so if you're listening to this podcast and you want to listen to my free call on the BFA cycle, Send me a DM or you can go on stitch coaching.com or you can go on Instagram and register for it in my bio.
But anyway, the Believe, Feel Act Cycle is a tool that I use in my Thrive methodology to get very clear. The story that we are continuously believing about ourself. And so just because somebody has sympathy for us and pity for the path that we went on to become moms that didn't end up the way we initially wanted it to be, that does not mean that we have to believe that story about us forever.
So I love you. Know that your life does not have to be full of sympathy and sadness and pity. And if you're feeling like you need some more work on this, reach out. I would love to help you because I know how stuck you can feel when you're believing those things about you. So have a lovely week and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning.
I'll talk to you next week.
We launched Thrive after Infertility last week. We had our first class on Wednesday, and can I just tell you, it was magic. It was magic for me. I know it was magic for the women that chose to go on this three month journey with me, and I'm just so proud of the women that have chosen.
To make change in their life because I know what it feels like to feel stuck and feel like there's just nothing worth trying because women like us and women who tried to become moms and couldn't become moms, Don't have an option to live a life that feels good. Again, we just have this belief that this is just the sentence that we've received and we're just gonna try to white knock all our way through life, but not these ladies.
These are some amazing women and we're doing great stuff together already in week one. We've been keeping in touch. We have our own little text group and we keep in touch and check in with each other, and I am just, Beyond ecstatic that the tools that I can teach have such an opportunity to change lives.
So if you thought about Thrive and chose not to choose us, chose not to join us this time, I have a feeling we're gonna do it again. So keep on the lookout for more announcements about that. But what I wanna talk about this week is challenge. And before I got. Fertility, infertility diagnosis. Before I found out that I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility, I was the challenge queen.
There was very little that I feared. There was very little that had me ruffled. There was very little I believed I was not capable of, and once I got my diagnosis of unexplained infertility, My whole vision about challenge changed. I started to think that challenge was not fair. I started to believe that I was not up for a challenge, that I couldn't be successful because I did not have the optimal.
Result that I sought in this challenge of infertility. So let's talk a little bit about why challenge is scary to us. Challenges are scary to us because we are humans. Okay. That's like as simple as it can get. So you've heard me talk before about how we have this primal brain and we oftentimes, Are so used to believing a certain way, thinking a certain way, feeling a certain way when things come upon us because our brain is just wired for repetition.
So it, Here's the story. The story plays in our mind. We see challenges, we see obstacles. We see things we possibly might not be good at, things that we might need to work a little bit harder. To achieve and our brain automatically goes and freak out loud because it's like, Oh shit, I'm gonna have to work really hard to figure this one out.
So I'm gonna trick this person into believing that we should just stick with our routine, stick with what we do, stick with what is kept us safe all these years. So when we use our prefrontal cortex, which is the more developed part of our brain, the brain that. Has the capability to put us in a place where we can navigate things that we might not have a routine down for yet.
We can do more critical thinking. We can believe from a place we've never existed before, so we can see ourself in this place that we feel abundant and we feel full, and we feel proud, meaningful, purposeful. Even though our challenge of infertility did not end up with us having a human child. So challenges simply are an opportunity for you to get comfortable with having your own back and training your brain to think new things and believe new things.
Cause like, let's be honest, like of course it sounds fun to never have a challenge in your. But when is the last time you were presented with something that you weren't sure the outcome of, or you weren't sure how to figure it out? You had to be resourceful. Like you guys heard me talk about that day. I went to go turn my car on and it was dead as the door.
Now all of a sudden I had to figure out how the hell I was gonna get my car out of the garage, get to the dealership, get my battery changed, like all that stuff. Like those little challenges, if we sit there. And we are just idle and telling ourselves like, This is too much. I can't figure it out. We think we're just gonna ride this wave of not being resourceful, and we just become this helpless person.
And if you can start to show yourself that there is such opportunity for you to face challenges in a way, That you can be the victor in your story. You can be somebody that you're proud of. You can be somebody who evolves even though you've had the hugest challenge. So think of somebody that you've met.
I know we all have these people that you meet someone and you hear their story, or they may have something physically that has happened to them as a result of an accident. Health condition a disease, and you think, Oh my gosh. Like how could they have gone through that and still be so positive? I mean, there's so many people I can think of that I've met and I'm like, How do they wake up every day with a smile on earth, on their face, or this willingness to believe that they can make it another day despite all that they've been through?
and I wanna offer you that you have that same opportunity. The only difference between them and you is that they've decided not to be stagnated by their challenge. And that doesn't mean that they're anymore gifted. They don't have any more faith in God. They don't have any more brilliance that you weren't born with.
They have just decided that even though. They may have had a shit sandwich at some point in their life. That shit sandwich does not have to turn into the feast that is in front of them. So when you think about challenges, think about the fact that they are gonna be there, whether you want them are not, and that the more you're scared and the more you tell yourself.
That you won't be good at something or that it's not fair that this challenge has come upon you. You are gonna sit there idle and not looking for ways that you can be resourceful, not looking for ways that you can feel pride for yourself or feel meaningful or feel like your life is full. Because you're constantly beholden to that story that challenges are just too much for you.
And I know we feel it's often times, I know I felt this at some point where I was kind of like, Okay, my challenge bucket is full. What else could I possibly be challenged with if my ultimate fear of not becoming a mom became my reality? Like, Life isn't fair if I have any more challenges beyond that. And the challenges kept coming and I decided that I could have them keep coming and navigate them in a way that I was the most badass woman in my life.
So I want you to think about what challenges might be coming up for you, Decide that you might feel uncomfortable, you might not know the right answer. You might have to ask for help. You might feel weak. You might feel helpless sometimes. But that is part of our human experience. And the more that you just let yourself open up to that opportunity, and I call it an opportunity, I don't wanna think of challenges at setbacks.
I think of them as opportunity because every single challenge that I have had in my life, including my inability to have a child, has created the most magnificence in my life right now. And there is so many years that I dreaded. Becoming the person that ended up going through seven years of IVF and didn't have a child.
I dreaded that I, I lived my own biggest fear of who I could have possibly ended up as when I started my infertility journey. And I am here and let me tell you. I have never felt fricking better with all the challenges that I've endured and the emotional roller coasters and the thousands of dollars and the start and stop of cycles and the canceled cycles, the heartache, I mean, all of that stuff that you are feeling, I have felt it too, and I am such a greater person because of that.
And I know that might sound cliche to you, but it's because you haven't allowed your. To lean into your challenges, and I wanna tell you that if you just allow yourself to not live in fear and. Tell yourself that if you just hold out and you just give it time, you'll get to the other side of it. You're really doing yourself a disservice because you are not allowing yourself to evolve to the most amazing version that you can be.
That's my soapbox for this week. I love me a good challenge. I want you to know that you can love a good challenge too, and not be fearful of. I am going to be opening a couple more spots in my one-on-one coaching. I have not done this in a while cuz I have had some folks that have graduated from one-on-one into group coaching.
And if you're thinking about all the things that I talk about every week and saying that you're not sure it's possible for you, I invite you to join me on my one on one coaching. It's a three month. I mean, it's the most amazing transformative time you can have. Hit me up. Let's chat. Let's see if we're a good fit for each other, and let's do some magic together.
Let's challenge some shit. All right. Have a great week. Remember that I love you and it's never too late to discover your meeting. I'll talk to you next week.
We launched Thrive after Infertility last week. We had our first class on Wednesday, and can I just tell you, it was magic. It was magic for me. I know it was magic for the women that chose to go on this three month journey with me, and I'm just so proud of the women that have chosen.
To make change in their life because I know what it feels like to feel stuck and feel like there's just nothing worth trying because women like us and women who tried to become moms and couldn't become moms, Don't have an option to live a life that feels good. Again, we just have this belief that this is just the sentence that we've received and we're just gonna try to white knock all our way through life, but not these ladies.
These are some amazing women and we're doing great stuff together already in week one. We've been keeping in touch. We have our own little text group and we keep in touch and check in with each other, and I am just, Beyond ecstatic that the tools that I can teach have such an opportunity to change lives.
So if you thought about Thrive and chose not to choose us, chose not to join us this time, I have a feeling we're gonna do it again. So keep on the lookout for more announcements about that. But what I wanna talk about this week is challenge. And before I got. Fertility, infertility diagnosis. Before I found out that I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility, I was the challenge queen.
There was very little that I feared. There was very little that had me ruffled. There was very little I believed I was not capable of, and once I got my diagnosis of unexplained infertility, My whole vision about challenge changed. I started to think that challenge was not fair. I started to believe that I was not up for a challenge, that I couldn't be successful because I did not have the optimal.
Result that I sought in this challenge of infertility. So let's talk a little bit about why challenge is scary to us. Challenges are scary to us because we are humans. Okay. That's like as simple as it can get. So you've heard me talk before about how we have this primal brain and we oftentimes, Are so used to believing a certain way, thinking a certain way, feeling a certain way when things come upon us because our brain is just wired for repetition.
So it, Here's the story. The story plays in our mind. We see challenges, we see obstacles. We see things we possibly might not be good at, things that we might need to work a little bit harder. To achieve and our brain automatically goes and freak out loud because it's like, Oh shit, I'm gonna have to work really hard to figure this one out.
So I'm gonna trick this person into believing that we should just stick with our routine, stick with what we do, stick with what is kept us safe all these years. So when we use our prefrontal cortex, which is the more developed part of our brain, the brain that. Has the capability to put us in a place where we can navigate things that we might not have a routine down for yet.
We can do more critical thinking. We can believe from a place we've never existed before, so we can see ourself in this place that we feel abundant and we feel full, and we feel proud, meaningful, purposeful. Even though our challenge of infertility did not end up with us having a human child. So challenges simply are an opportunity for you to get comfortable with having your own back and training your brain to think new things and believe new things.
Cause like, let's be honest, like of course it sounds fun to never have a challenge in your. But when is the last time you were presented with something that you weren't sure the outcome of, or you weren't sure how to figure it out? You had to be resourceful. Like you guys heard me talk about that day. I went to go turn my car on and it was dead as the door.
Now all of a sudden I had to figure out how the hell I was gonna get my car out of the garage, get to the dealership, get my battery changed, like all that stuff. Like those little challenges, if we sit there. And we are just idle and telling ourselves like, This is too much. I can't figure it out. We think we're just gonna ride this wave of not being resourceful, and we just become this helpless person.
And if you can start to show yourself that there is such opportunity for you to face challenges in a way, That you can be the victor in your story. You can be somebody that you're proud of. You can be somebody who evolves even though you've had the hugest challenge. So think of somebody that you've met.
I know we all have these people that you meet someone and you hear their story, or they may have something physically that has happened to them as a result of an accident. Health condition a disease, and you think, Oh my gosh. Like how could they have gone through that and still be so positive? I mean, there's so many people I can think of that I've met and I'm like, How do they wake up every day with a smile on earth, on their face, or this willingness to believe that they can make it another day despite all that they've been through?
and I wanna offer you that you have that same opportunity. The only difference between them and you is that they've decided not to be stagnated by their challenge. And that doesn't mean that they're anymore gifted. They don't have any more faith in God. They don't have any more brilliance that you weren't born with.
They have just decided that even though. They may have had a shit sandwich at some point in their life. That shit sandwich does not have to turn into the feast that is in front of them. So when you think about challenges, think about the fact that they are gonna be there, whether you want them are not, and that the more you're scared and the more you tell yourself.
That you won't be good at something or that it's not fair that this challenge has come upon you. You are gonna sit there idle and not looking for ways that you can be resourceful, not looking for ways that you can feel pride for yourself or feel meaningful or feel like your life is full. Because you're constantly beholden to that story that challenges are just too much for you.
And I know we feel it's often times, I know I felt this at some point where I was kind of like, Okay, my challenge bucket is full. What else could I possibly be challenged with if my ultimate fear of not becoming a mom became my reality? Like, Life isn't fair if I have any more challenges beyond that. And the challenges kept coming and I decided that I could have them keep coming and navigate them in a way that I was the most badass woman in my life.
So I want you to think about what challenges might be coming up for you, Decide that you might feel uncomfortable, you might not know the right answer. You might have to ask for help. You might feel weak. You might feel helpless sometimes. But that is part of our human experience. And the more that you just let yourself open up to that opportunity, and I call it an opportunity, I don't wanna think of challenges at setbacks.
I think of them as opportunity because every single challenge that I have had in my life, including my inability to have a child, has created the most magnificence in my life right now. And there is so many years that I dreaded. Becoming the person that ended up going through seven years of IVF and didn't have a child.
I dreaded that I, I lived my own biggest fear of who I could have possibly ended up as when I started my infertility journey. And I am here and let me tell you. I have never felt fricking better with all the challenges that I've endured and the emotional roller coasters and the thousands of dollars and the start and stop of cycles and the canceled cycles, the heartache, I mean, all of that stuff that you are feeling, I have felt it too, and I am such a greater person because of that.
And I know that might sound cliche to you, but it's because you haven't allowed your. To lean into your challenges, and I wanna tell you that if you just allow yourself to not live in fear and. Tell yourself that if you just hold out and you just give it time, you'll get to the other side of it. You're really doing yourself a disservice because you are not allowing yourself to evolve to the most amazing version that you can be.
That's my soapbox for this week. I love me a good challenge. I want you to know that you can love a good challenge too, and not be fearful of. I am going to be opening a couple more spots in my one-on-one coaching. I have not done this in a while cuz I have had some folks that have graduated from one-on-one into group coaching.
And if you're thinking about all the things that I talk about every week and saying that you're not sure it's possible for you, I invite you to join me on my one on one coaching. It's a three month. I mean, it's the most amazing transformative time you can have. Hit me up. Let's chat. Let's see if we're a good fit for each other, and let's do some magic together.
Let's challenge some shit. All right. Have a great week. Remember that I love you and it's never too late to discover your meeting. I'll talk to you next week.
I want to talk about a topic this week and offer you some opportunity to do some belief work in your own life. So, you know that I teach about the BFA cycle, so the belief, feel, act cycle, and one of the most. Eye opening and liberating parts of my journey of navigating my future.
When I found out that I was not going to be a mom, the thing that I just always assumed my whole life, I would be. So, I've been doing a lot of work around beliefs and what beliefs we have, what beliefs we carry about ourselves in our lives that might not be helping us anymore. So I'd like to first clarify that I'm not somebody that feels like I need to question every part of my life and my being and pull myself apart in nitpick, but if something doesn't, get me feeling the way that I want to feel or have the outcomes that I'm working to achieve with myself and with my goals and with my future, then that's when I sort of get curious about my beliefs around certain things.
I'm going to present this to you today and I'd love for you to consider where this might be coming up for you. So I think back to when I was dreaming about my future. Maybe I was in middle school, maybe I was in high school, sitting on my best friend's bed and we're sitting there probably with a trapper keeper and going through magazines with Duran Duran and who knows what other.
Probably Michael Jackson. And for me it was Ricky Martin in Minuto. I used to love that. And you would dream about how you saw your future. You'd marry a guy who had brown hair who was athletic, move to the suburbs and have the house with the white picket fence.
Probably two or three kids, max, hopefully a boy, hopefully a girl. And we create this vision for our future. And then we continue on with our future. High school, college, maybe grad school, whatever it is, career. boyfriends, relationships, friendships, all these things that have changed throughout our life.
And we get to this point in our life, and we've never given ourselves the opportunity to consider whether that life for ourselves that we dreamed of so long ago is still relevant in what we want in our life today. When I started considering that this was an opportunity to go through and ask myself some pointed questions about how I've compared who I am today to where I thought I would be, or what I thought I would have, and all these things that I created with a mind that was so unknowing and so uneducated to the future that would lie ahead of me. And so I've lived these magnificent years in challenging years and formative years. Never asking myself with what knowledge I have today or with what talent or skill or heartache or change in trajectory, Have I experienced that I want to start considering what is it that I truly want in my life? Is it that version of me that I dreamed of when I was 14 or 16 or 18 depending on, and never really went back and evaluated who I was then. And knowing what I know now is that the future that I really, truly. This work has been so liberating for me to decide that I could believe differently about what I want knowing what I know now and knowing that I ended up being somebody who didn't have children. Do I want to live in the belief that my life will never feel fulfilling because I don't have those children? Or decide that I can create a baseline now with that knowledge and decide with somebody, who knows so much more information about where your life ended up. I decided to believe that I could create new dreams for myself or new goals for myself, or new opinions of who I become or who I've been all these years, with the knowledge that I have now about who I am. For me, it was very liberating to decide that I don't always have to compare myself with a past version that I created with this past version of myself.
If you could just let yourself say I am Childless, or I am child free, or I'm not going to have children; however, it is you want to define your circumstance. That's up to you as well. I mean, that's another liberating thing to think about. You don't have to use somebody else's definition of where you are in your journey right now, or how you want to consider yourself as a woman. You have the ability to decide your definition for yourself. And to me, that's another thing that feels like these shackles come off of you, that you don't have to be qualifying yourself as somebody through a definition that somebody else has created for you. But knowing that you have the opportunity to start to dream again. And that's where I have found that considering the beliefs that maybe you've just gathered, because that was the way people always thought of women that didn't have children, or you always knew somebody in your past or maybe some old lady at church who never had kids and you always felt sorry for her.
because she didn't have anywhere to go on the holidays, so because of that, you've assumed that that is going to be you. And you believe that that's how women that don't have children end up in their older years. The ability that you have to say that doesn't have to be my belief of where I'm going to end up and start to decide.
Maybe you're going to form great friendships with new people. Maybe you're going to have a circle of women that don't have children, and you ladies and your futures together happen to create this new tradition or this new support system, or this new nucleus with this chosen family of yours and letting yourself and giving yourself that liberty.
To just start to consider what is it that you're believing about your story now? What are the things that don't feel good to you? Start to decide, what are my beliefs about that thing?
Are those beliefs that I need to believe anymore? Because the great thing is there is nobody who can tell you what you do and don't believe that is totally up to you and totally.
Open for you to decide. Now, maybe you have beliefs that align differently than somebody and deciding is that a problem? Do you want to veer from a belief system that you grew up having? No one has to tell you that you do or you don't. But just knowing that it's an opportunity is so liberating. We just think that there's one way of believe our whole life, and maybe we have this life that is so different than we ever dreamed it would be, and we can believe that it might be okay. It might feel good. We don't have to believe a hundred percent right now that we love our life because we're not a mom. But if we're just open to the possibility that we can believe something new about our future and who we are and the journey that we committed to that didn't turn out the way that we thought it would, maybe we can make peace with that and believe that we might just learn to love our life and we might just feel in control of our future and be excited about who we can become and consider new possibilities.
This is some beautiful work. I'd love for you to do some paper thinking, if you're noticing yourself feeling disappointed, when you think about where you are today or where you're at in a certain place in your life that you feel stuck or you consistently are trying to come to terms with, just start to ask yourself, what is it that I'm believing?
What is this story? That I believe. And why does it make me feel a way that I don't want to feel anymore? And let me know what you think. This is the type of stuff that we work on in Thrive after infertility, which it's starting this week.
The thing about Thrive, and again, like thinking about beliefs and being able to change them, this is my first round of doing it and I just had this belief of what it was going to turn out to be. And it has changed into something so different than I had envisioned. It's changed just in this. Organic way, I feel like it's turned into something that's going to be so perfect, even though it's so different than the vision I had for my first mastermind. And I can't wait for it to start. I can't wait for the growth that's going to come out of it. I can't wait for the ability the women that I'm working with.
Have to create change for themselves and to truly create a roadmap to thrive again.
But I wanted to talk about a topic this week and offer you some opportunity to do some belief work in your own life. So, you know that I teach about the BFA cycle, so the belief, feel, act cycle, and one of the most. Eye opening and liberating parts of my journey of navigating my future.
When I found out that I was not going to be a mom, the thing that I just always assumed my whole life, I would be. So, I've been doing a lot of work around beliefs and what beliefs we have, what beliefs we carry about ourselves in our lives that might not be helping us anymore. So I'd like to first clarify that I'm not somebody that feels like I need to question every part of my life and my being and pull myself apart in nitpick, but if something doesn't, get me feeling the way that I want to feel or have the outcomes that I'm working to achieve with myself and with my goals and with my future, then that's when I sort of get curious about my beliefs around certain things.
I'm going to present this to you today and I'd love for you to consider where this might be coming up for you. So I think back to when I was dreaming about my future. Maybe I was in middle school, maybe I was in high school, sitting on my best friend's bed and we're sitting there probably with a trapper keeper and going through magazines with Duran Duran and who knows what other.
Probably Michael Jackson. And for me it was Ricky Martin in Minuto. I used to love that. And you would dream about how you saw your future. You'd marry a guy who had brown hair who was athletic, move to the suburbs and have the house with the white picket fence.
Probably two or three kids, max, hopefully a boy, hopefully a girl. And we create this vision for our future. And then we continue on with our future. High school, college, maybe grad school, whatever it is, career. boyfriends, relationships, friendships, all these things that have changed throughout our life.
And we get to this point in our life, and we've never given ourselves the opportunity to consider whether that life for ourselves that we dreamed of so long ago is still relevant in what we want in our life today. When I started considering that this was an opportunity to go through and ask myself some pointed questions about how I've compared who I am today to where I thought I would be, or what I thought I would have, and all these things that I created with a mind that was so unknowing and so uneducated to the future that would lie ahead of me. And so I've lived these magnificent years in challenging years and formative years. Never asking myself with what knowledge I have today or with what talent or skill or heartache or change in trajectory, Have I experienced that I want to start considering what is it that I truly want in my life? Is it that version of me that I dreamed of when I was 14 or 16 or 18 depending on, and never really went back and evaluated who I was then. And knowing what I know now is that the future that I really, truly. This work has been so liberating for me to decide that I could believe differently about what I want knowing what I know now and knowing that I ended up being somebody who didn't have children. Do I want to live in the belief that my life will never feel fulfilling because I don't have those children? Or decide that I can create a baseline now with that knowledge and decide with somebody, who knows so much more information about where your life ended up. I decided to believe that I could create new dreams for myself or new goals for myself, or new opinions of who I become or who I've been all these years, with the knowledge that I have now about who I am. For me, it was very liberating to decide that I don't always have to compare myself with a past version that I created with this past version of myself.
If you could just let yourself say I am Childless, or I am child free, or I'm not going to have children; however, it is you want to define your circumstance. That's up to you as well. I mean, that's another liberating thing to think about. You don't have to use somebody else's definition of where you are in your journey right now, or how you want to consider yourself as a woman. You have the ability to decide your definition for yourself. And to me, that's another thing that feels like these shackles come off of you, that you don't have to be qualifying yourself as somebody through a definition that somebody else has created for you. But knowing that you have the opportunity to start to dream again. And that's where I have found that considering the beliefs that maybe you've just gathered, because that was the way people always thought of women that didn't have children, or you always knew somebody in your past or maybe some old lady at church who never had kids and you always felt sorry for her.
because she didn't have anywhere to go on the holidays, so because of that, you've assumed that that is going to be you. And you believe that that's how women that don't have children end up in their older years. The ability that you have to say that doesn't have to be my belief of where I'm going to end up and start to decide.
Maybe you're going to form great friendships with new people. Maybe you're going to have a circle of women that don't have children, and you ladies and your futures together happen to create this new tradition or this new support system, or this new nucleus with this chosen family of yours and letting yourself and giving yourself that liberty.
To just start to consider what is it that you're believing about your story now? What are the things that don't feel good to you? Start to decide, what are my beliefs about that thing?
Are those beliefs that I need to believe anymore? Because the great thing is there is nobody who can tell you what you do and don't believe that is totally up to you and totally.
Open for you to decide. Now, maybe you have beliefs that align differently than somebody and deciding is that a problem? Do you want to veer from a belief system that you grew up having? No one has to tell you that you do or you don't. But just knowing that it's an opportunity is so liberating. We just think that there's one way of believe our whole life, and maybe we have this life that is so different than we ever dreamed it would be, and we can believe that it might be okay. It might feel good. We don't have to believe a hundred percent right now that we love our life because we're not a mom. But if we're just open to the possibility that we can believe something new about our future and who we are and the journey that we committed to that didn't turn out the way that we thought it would, maybe we can make peace with that and believe that we might just learn to love our life and we might just feel in control of our future and be excited about who we can become and consider new possibilities.
This is some beautiful work. I'd love for you to do some paper thinking, if you're noticing yourself feeling disappointed, when you think about where you are today or where you're at in a certain place in your life that you feel stuck or you consistently are trying to come to terms with, just start to ask yourself, what is it that I'm believing?
What is this story? That I believe. And why does it make me feel a way that I don't want to feel anymore? And let me know what you think. This is the type of stuff that we work on in Thrive after infertility, which it's starting this week.
The thing about Thrive, and again, like thinking about beliefs and being able to change them, this is my first round of doing it and I just had this belief of what it was going to turn out to be. And it has changed into something so different than I had envisioned. It's changed just in this. Organic way, I feel like it's turned into something that's going to be so perfect, even though it's so different than the vision I had for my first mastermind. And I can't wait for it to start. I can't wait for the growth that's going to come out of it. I can't wait for the ability the women that I'm working with.
Have to create change for themselves and to truly create a roadmap to thrive again.
How are you? How is this life of yours? How are you feeling? How are you doing and what are you doing to make changes in your life and in your future? That is my big question to you because I think so many of us get caught in believing that life is just always going to feel this way.
If you hear me speak often, you might hear me give the equation of my life, at one time, I always believed would max out at 80%. For somebody that was not an 80% type of gal, that felt really deflating to me. I decided that I did not want to live a life anymore that was always going to be B minus.
I wanted a life that felt vibrant and exciting and fulfilling again. I just didn't know how to get there until I discovered life coaching and the ability that we have as humans to change the beliefs about ourselves and our stories and start to poke holes and what it is society has told us about living your future without children that we have then adapted into our belief system about ourselves and our future without children.
If all of this seems exciting, but you are not sure how you could ever get there, you are in the perfect place because this will be the last full week that you can apply for the thrive after infertility mastermind. If you haven't heard me talk about it, it is going to be the most transformative 12 weeks of your life.
There is a small group of women purposefully left it as a small group because I want us to feel comfortable amongst each other, sharing our stories, sharing our struggles and helping each other through 12 weeks of creating a roadmap to the future of your dreams. Now I've had a lot of interest, but a lot of people surprisingly shied away paying $999 for this 12 week intensive small group container.
And it baffles me a little bit. And certainly no judgment if money is tight and you don't have the money to do it, but I can tell you that most people I know currently in their hand have some sort of smartphone that has cost them more than a thousand dollars and to pay $999 to gain tools that will last you a lifetime and help to navigate the future that you never believed you could have because you were diagnosed with infertility and were never able to have the children
you always dreamed of to say no to that because you think it's too expensive. And that your phone is more valuable than your future. I will beg to differ. I know this because the tools that I teach in thrive are the exact ones that got me to where I am today to be your teacher and to be your leader in this community would not have come without any sort of investment. I beg you to decide that you are worth $999 for tools that will last you a lifetime. Think about it, reconsider it. If you've said no to yourself before even listening to what I have to offer you put yourself first and ask yourself how much longer do you want to feel the way that you are feeling and what resources you are gonna provide yourself to help you get to the other side of where you are today
and to start to live a life that you can truly love and thrive. So all of this to bring you to how I have used these tools in my life and how I particularly used them this past week, when I returned for my annual visit with my OB GYN. As many years as I've gone through this. I still have feelings of anxiousness and nervousness.
When I walk down that hallway and know that I am going to walk into a door that has a curtain with a few hooks and has a table with stir ups on it, and also miss Wanda in the corner, staring me in the eyes. I just have this feeling of anxiousness. And I wanna tell you about how my visit went this past.
so the OB GYN I go to is not the same one. I started my IVF journey with she has since moved on to another institution, but the woman I go to, I absolutely love. She's wonderful and by no means, am I ragging on her or the institution I went to, but I wanna tell you how I advocated for my myself this week.
So I walk into that room, you know, the drill, have a seat. How much do you weigh? When was the date of your last period? Mine was 702 days ago. So more than two years ago. And here I am talking through my medical history, being asked all these questions about whether I'm still on birth control, whether I have any children, how many children, I have all these questions that I'm sitting here, scratching my head and asking.
Why do these people ask me these questions? So I point blank stopped myself from answering the questions and I asked the sweet medical assistant, why she was asking me this and why it wasn't in the computer. And she looked at me very perplexed and said, it's just not. And I explained to her that I had gone through seven years of infertility treatments
a few of those years were here at this very medical institution. And I was curious why my medical records were not showing up in her epic chart and she felt uncomfortable. I I know. And I told her, I said, listen, I am not aiming this at you. I know that you were just looking at a computer screen and clicking where you need to click, but people need to know
that we have a journey that we have been through and we need to raise awareness for them that things need to change. We need to find a way to maybe flag our charts or flag our profiles, or people need to do a little bit deeper digging to know the journey that we have been on. And I explained to her that I was not upset with her, but that I would like the doctor to know that I would like to discuss with her how we can build some more awareness.
Basic questions that are in the computer, how we can move beyond having them be a routine set of questions for women who have been diagnosed and gone through infertility treatments. So my awesome OB came in was briefed on the fact that I brought this up with the ma and was so awesome ladies.
She was like, listen, I know that you we're feeling very uncomfortable by this. And I explained to her that I don't necessarily feel uncomfortable by these questions anymore, but there are a lot of women out there in our community that are searching for ways to come to a doctor and not feel triggered and not feel sadness and not be reliving the monitoring
appointments and the ultrasounds and all of the other hundreds of visits that we made. And so she said to me, point blank, she's like, I love what you're doing. She knows that I'm a certified life coach. And she knows that I lead a community of women within infertility. And she says, I agree with you. And this shouldn't be this way.
It's in my charts. But for some reason on the computer, when the medical assistant goes through your chart, it wasn't coming. And I want you to know that it matters to us. She said, she's gonna speak to her practice manager. And she asked me for any resources that I could offer to help them do a better job for women like us.
And I have to tell you, I felt so proud of myself for speaking up, because I could have gone through the questions. The work that I've done on myself, the questions, although they rattle me a little bit, it's more so, because I know you all are sitting there and wanting to not feel as rattled and violated as you do
when you get those questions presented with you. I was wanting to be an advocate for all of you. And I felt really proud of myself for saying something because it matters. And. I also talk to her about how there needs to be some awareness built for women to come in and have resources offered to them. So I talk to her about ways that we can provide more resources to her patients.
If there are patients that are coming in and you see that they have a history of infertility, not only are we. Asking them the questions about how many kids they have and what type of birth control that they're on. But we are asking them what resources they have in place. Have they been offered an opportunity to speak to somebody?
Are they aware of a podcast, for example, mine, that might be able to offer them the ability to know that they're not alone in this struggle and what resources have been made available to them or what resources they need that the doctors and the medical staff could then follow up with them to provide.
I am very proud of myself for speaking on behalf of our community and. If you feel like you're in a similar situation and you go to an appointment and you find yourself in this same feeling of uncertainty, of why you're being asked these questions that you feel like people should know. I encourage you.
If you feel like you're at a point you can do so. Have the conversation that I had, you don't have to do it in a way that makes someone feel awful. That makes someone feel like they're not a good provider or a good practitioner, but just stop them and gently ask them if they are aware or if it's anywhere in your chart
that you have gone through IVF, or you have gone through infertility treatments or you are diagnosed with infertility, and you're wondering if there's a way to opt out of these type of questions or put some sort of flag on your chart, because I feel like it truly made a difference. I feel like me sharing my journey and sharing my story and sharing the ability that we.
Have to make change in our own lives, sharing that with my providers meant something to them. And they were so appreciative because I truly believe that they do want to be our place of compassion and they know that it could be rifling for us to go through another hallway and sit in another exam room and hear that curtain spin closed and being told you can take everything off and hanging your clothes on that rack or on that hook, it just brings back so many memories for us, no matter how far out we are from our journey. And if we can make the small amount of change by just letting people know what bothers us and what they can offer for our sisters in infertility. I just ask you to do that. Thank you for listening this week.
Thank you for being a voice for yourself and a voice for those of us that might not have the courage to tell our story yet, or to stand up for ourselves yet. And if you're interested in joining the mastermind, think about. And understand that the price of your cell phone should not be more important than the price of your future and living a future and a life that you truly can love.
So I hope that you consider joining me. Have a beautiful week and remember it is never too late to discover your meaning. I can't wait to talk to you next week.
I am freshly back from vacation; this is our first time we did any time away since COVID we went to wine country in Sonoma.
And hung out there for a few days. And then my sister and her husband came and had just such a glorious time. We really had a lot of fun Jack and I really travel well together. When we travel, I love that we're on the same wavelength because we are adventures. We just like to know where we're sleeping.
We like to know that we have a hotel room that we have a good clean place to sleep. And otherwise, we usually rent a car and just see where the day takes us. So that's exactly what we did when we landed in San Francisco, we took the long way. Which is, you know, something I've come to recognize about our relationship.
We always like to take the long way, check out the scenes and pull off the side of the road. If there's a sign that looks interesting for a tourist attraction or something that we've heard about, we figure our way out without having to plot the course. And ironically, that seems like what my life has turned out, like when it comes to our fertility journey.
So what we're going to talk about today is whether your marriage. Is enough, and this is something I work on pretty often with my students. There's a lot of question that we have when we find out that we can't become moms. And we look at who's beside us and ask ourselves, is our bond going to be enough? Is our bond going to take us and feel fulfilling enough for the rest of our lives?
So let's talk about it today because I think a lot of us Harbor a lot of judgment for ourselves and there's an element of shame and I would say probably feeling like a little bit deceitful to your partner or to your spouse for even questioning whether your marriage is enough, or your partnership is enough.
I'll tell you a little bit later about how this came up for me on my vacation. Let's first start to think about why we choose someone as our partner. And of course, we, we certainly look at somebody and think of qualities or attributes and wonder if our children are going to look like us or like them, or a perfect combination of the two of us.
I want to ask you, the reasons that you consider someone as a spouse or a partner only important if you procreate with them? I know that there are a lot of reasons. Why we marry someone whether we're going to have kids or not, but there is a level of fear that comes in and a level of question that does come in when you can't have kids and you look around and the realization sets in that it's just us.
And that can be very lonely, and it could shake you a little bit and that's normal. I would say that 80% of the students that I've worked with, that's one of our first classes together. Some of the things that they're trying to sort out in their mind is feeling okay with the fact that it's just the two of them, or maybe the two of them and a dog or a cat or some sort of pet.
I want to challenge you today to think about why it might be a problem, that it is just the two of. And maybe it's even the way that you're thinking it. Maybe you want to get rid of the word, just maybe it's the two of you. I've done a lot of work on myself around this topic. And so I thought today, I would maybe share some things that might be helpful to you and help you to navigate whether it's going to be okay to be the two of you.
And maybe it feels scary now and it's normal to feel scared because it's the. And you always thought that there would be some sort of buffer, some sort of focus of attention on something other than the two of you, but I've taken my opportunity in the work that I've done. to decide that it is such a wonderful opportunity that I have to spend the rest of my life with this person that I happen to call my husband and it doesn't have to be scary.
Of course, there's times when I wish that. We came home and we had kids to take care of or games to go to, but that's not what we have. So what we do is focus on what we want to do together or what we want to do individually. As I move forward in this episode, I'm going to tell you a little bit about what we did for our anniversary.
We sell celebrated our 13th anniversary back in June, and when we were getting ready to go out for dinner, we had a glass of wine together and we exchanged cards and presents and you know, all the good stuff. And I made it a point this anniversary that we would talk about what goals we have as a couple and what we want to do more of and what we want to do less of in our relationship.
And so notice how I frame that. What I want to do more of. And less of, so not what I want to stop doing or what I want to start doing, because when it seems like you're starting from zero, the. Pedal to acceleration feels like there's got to be so much effort. But when you think about what you want to incorporate more of into your relationship, it just seems a lot easier.
So, a lot of it is a plan words, because when you frame things or say things in a certain way, your mind doesn't automatically tense up thinking, oh my gosh, he wants to do less of this, which means I'm not doing it well, or maybe he doesn't like doing this activity with me, or maybe he wants to do something alone and not with me because I'm not enjoyable to be with.
Absolutely not. So when you think of, I want to do less of something or more of something, it just feels easy to start doing a laundry list of things from. I told you that I would tell you a little bit about how this came up for Jack and me in our vacation this past week. we love hiking together and we live in the Midwest, so there's not a ton of beautiful hiking, not a ton of Hills or mountains or anything like that. So, when we travel and we go somewhere there's mountains, we always know that we're going to do some hiking together. And we were in the middle of the Redwood forests, and it was just quiet.
And honestly, it was the two of us. There was not one car in the parking lot besides our rental car, when we rolled in. There was such a comfort in knowing that in that forest and in that hiking trail, the two of us were there. And I started to tell him about how I once felt scared and questioned whether it would feel like our marriage was.
I never shared that with him before, because for so long, I felt a lot of shame that I would even question whether my marriage was enough. And so, I told him that, one of the things that's come up for me for a long time. And one of the things that I've worked through a lot, and one of the things that I have the privilege of helping my students work through is deciding whether.
A union between two people is enough without children. He was so fascinated to hear that. And he was just such an honest and open listener, which I'm so grateful for. And he didn't ever make me feel like I was a bad person or that I wasn't loving of him or believing in our marriage. He was just really a quiet listener.
And he was so honest and so open to what I had to say. And so I explained to him how there's a big fear for us, because we always think that we're going to be moms and we'll have a husband or a partner that we're raising a family with or choosing to build a family with.
And from there, our attention will not be so much on the two of us. It's going to be on the kids. It's going to be on sports practices and college trips and overnights and all these different things. And for so long, I was really worried that our relationship and the foundation of our marriage wouldn't feel fulfilling enough to give me.
The love and the abundance that I thought a child would bring to me. And I looked at him and we had this hugest hug in the forest. It was like just such a perfect moment, knowing that it was just the two of us in there. And I basically professed to him and I told him, I was like, you know, I worried for so long
that we wouldn't be enough for each other. And I told him, like, I looked him in the eyes, and I hugged him so tight. And I told him, I know that you and I are enough. I know that our love is enough. And certainly, there's other things that we're going to grow and do. And maybe some separations that we'll find in our path.
But I know that the person that I married is enough for me. So as. Navigating that question in your mind and trying to come to grips with the fact that it might be the two of you be open to questioning whether that is enough and whether the reason that you chose that person to be your partner.
the reasons go deep enough. And, and you go back, and you remember what it was that attracted you to that person, what it was that made you want to say yes to that person and create a union together. Understand that there's going to be many challenges in your future. and knowing that there's someone by your side that loves you even knowing that there's no children in your life and somebody that sticks with you and stays with you, that is enough.
And it's such a blessing. And as I close out today, I want you to really think. And start to do some paper, thinking about all the reasons why your relationship is enough, start to list all the things that you want to do more of as a couple, and maybe some of the things that you want to do less of, maybe you want to do less of Netflix and more of walks after dinner.
Maybe you want more hobbies together and exploring together and less independent time together. There's just so many things. If you just let your mind wander a little bit, start to think about why your relationship is enough, have an awesome week. And remember, it's never too late to discover your meeting.
I'll talk to you next week.
I am so committed to you, this community, and to myself to continue showing up every week, and offering you an opportunity to see that loving your life again, after failing IVF. Failing your infertility treatments does not have to be the end of your story. I am so grateful that these last 52 weeks (and now this 53) we are continuously growing and knowing that each of you are finding a way to decide that you are worth being here and living this life that feels fulfilled and feels happy and has purpose to you - even though your dream of motherhood did not work out the way you always expected it would.
So what I'd like to talk about this week is something that I've recently been wanting to work on with myself. I thought I would just show up here with all of you and see if this rings true to you or something that's going on in your life, and if you'd like to share in the conversation with me about loving your body again.
I know what it's like to give up on your body after IVF fails, because you feel like your body gave up on you.
I know exactly what it's like to be disappointed with your body to feel like it's not worth the effort. If you're looking at yourself in the mirror and wondering why it was you were even born as a female because all of the physical parts of you that you see didn't do what they were supposed to do, you are not alone.
There's such a compounded self-image issue many of us have to navigate when we find out that we're not going to be moms and all of these biological organs that we have been given did not operate, according to the instruction manual we believed that we were born with. What I want to start working on and talking about with you is loving your body.
There are so many facets to that many of us have been hanging on to wait after our IVF treatments ended. And there was certainly a weight gain that comes along with all the hormones we were taking and all of the food we were consuming and eating out of nervousness. There's just so much that comes along with it. If you haven't listened to Episode 37, you'll hear all about how my weight gain brought me to be a certified life coach and speaking to you today. So that's a magnificent episode, you got to check that one out if you haven't. What I'd love to talk about today is what it's like to show love to your body. It's so easy to think that loving your body always has to be part of how you look aesthetically, whether you've lost your weight and you feel like you look good and you're close again, or you're taking care of your skin and getting regular facials. I want to talk about how we can show love to ourselves and love our bodies. There is a huge portion of us that thinks that it's all about the physical, the outward part of it but how to really embrace caring for your body when you're tired, saying okay to a nap (I know that's something that's so hard for many people) because we think if we take a nap or rest in the middle of the day, that we're lazy, or that only lazy people, close your eyes for 15 minutes on the sofa after work, but if your body's craving that offering it what about the opportunity that you have to work out?
Working out can just be your form of movement and why that's important. Why do you want to work out? I think that's a really important question to ask ourselves. Sure, it might be For the physical part, but think about the love that you want to show your bones when you want to have bone density, when you want to have good core strength so that you can lift things without hurting your back and all these things that as we're aging, and we're getting older how to love and take care of our bodies in a way that we can live, active, and happy lives with movement. And those are things that are, as I've become more in love with my life, I've been wanting to show more love to my body and be a healthier version of me on the inside. And that's something I'm so working on because I want to live this long and abundant life now. I'm not counting the years of how many more years I have to go through life, feeling misery because I couldn't become a mom, I'm now so excited to celebrate my life because I feel so good and feel so in love and in in awe of my body and my life and my future again, since I've realized that I can believe a new story about myself. And I can believe a new story about my future, even if I didn't ever have the baby of my dreams. When you're thinking about loving your life that could stir up a lot of emotion for you. I want you to think about loving your life, not just in the aesthetic form, but what are little things that you can offer yourself every day that will show love to your body.
Maybe it's a morning stretch. Maybe it's closing your eyes, if you're feeling tired, just closing your eyes, even if you're in your car, and you're just getting off work and you're getting in your car and you're like, Oh, I'm just exhausted, what if you just offered yourself 10 minutes to close your eyes in a parking lot at your at your workplace. Or when you come home, just giving yourself a moment to just sit and solace before you turn the TV on or put a new show on or the radio on whatever it is just giving yourself a little bit of time to decompress What if it is letting yourself soak in a bath or give yourself some quiet time.
When you're doing your daily your daily beauty routines, putting a face mask on, there's just so many opportunities that we can have to show love to our bodies. But before we do that, we have to understand why we want to love our bodies. I know that the work that I have done for myself understand why I want to live this long and fulfilling life. That is why I want to offer you this week to start thinking about what about your body? Would you just nourish and want to like hug and take so much good care of without thinking that it's a lot of work without thinking that you just don't have the time and energy to do it start to list out this week? What are some things that you can do that would show love to your body? Doesn't mean you have to do them, but just start to create a running list of things and then understand why it's important. So maybe if you want to do some paper thinking on this as well start to answer the question of "I want to love my body because".... that's going to be your paper thinking prompt.
I want to love my body because
- I'm curious about what else that's capable of.
- I'm curious if we can make amends with one another.
- I'm curious if I could truly love it again.
There's so much that I have discovered through this journey to see that me continuously believing that my body didn't do what it was supposed to do. And looking at my body as though it had led me down and disappointed me didn't motivate me or drive me to want to get to a further place in my life. I was really just motivated to find out how fully I could wake up and live every single day, and when I can show love to my body. I can go on that journey with my body and discover is it a body that will maybe one day love doing yoga? Is that a body that will be able to have flexibility and stretch? Is that a body that will allow me to go on hikes when am in my 50s, and 60s. And that be somebody who's going to be bound to inactivity, because I haven't shown my body the love that I wanted to show it earlier in my life. Think about all the opportunities you have to love your body and why you even want to love your body. And we can create a laundry list together and start to get pointed about maybe picking one thing maybe in three weeks from now, you'll decide that you want to go on a 20 minute walk a day, or maybe that you want to wake up in the morning and have a morning stretch routine. Maybe it's something as simple as taking your vitamins. I had this mental restriction and I don't know if it was after taking all my supplements when I was in my during my cycles. And during IVF I had I remember these pill boxes, just full of vitamins and supplements and reminders that I had to put around the house to take this medication and that medication and this vitamins, so it was almost like I went on strike from vitamins after my IVF ended I just was mentally exhausted with taking things and putting things in my body so I was really working on in still am consciously trying to remember everyday to take vitamins, and understand that I'm not just taking them because they should but I'm taking them because I have this opportunity to preserve and nourish and help all these things inside my body. And if I can give it a vitamin, why would I want to give up that opportunity now? I can't wait to hear with what you've decided that you want to work on and would so love it. If you would share that with me. Send me a DM let me know what you're working on. And maybe we can all motivate each other. So have an awesome week. Thanks again for the first birthday celebration. And remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
Happy Birthday. It is hard to know what you would have blossomed into when I hit "publish" on Episode 1. I was so uncomfortable sharing the emotions I felt and beliefs I clung to for years after failing any last IVF cycle and finding out any one frozen embryo had Trisomy-16 and would never be viable for implantation. For years I clung to this belief that my life would never feel truly full because I could be the thing I most dreamed and yearned to be a mom.
Telling my story to the world felt like such a relief to me.
I spent so much of my time wondering what other people believed about my childlessness -
- was my marriage on the fritz and children would complicate it?
- were Jack and I too busy enjoying a Baller lifestyle and too selfish to let kids slow us down?
- were we having trouble and were people feeling sorry for me?
I spent so much energy worrying how I was being perceived by others and was feeling exhausted by the act I put on every day of someone that was invincible and perfect and defiantly not questioning of my childlessness.
I was exhausted of being an actor in my own life and never hitting myself show the world who I am and what I am capable of, despite not being a mom.
. I love that creating you became the relief others were looking for. And that what you experience after failing IVF is known by so many others out there looking to know they aren't alone in this struggle.
You give me the gift each
week of teaching the tools I have used to make change in my life, so infertile women everywhere can create change for themselves and feel in control of their future again.
I've learned that feeling my feelings of question or discomfort about my value in each episode doesn't have to stop me from showing up lack week.
Thank you for being a forum of over 9,000 people that are search for a message of hope that it is possible to live a life you truly love even if you're not a worm.
As I was thinking of this episode, it dawned on me that feeling a sense of accomplishment and creation exists for me, and it can exist for you even if it isn't by having a human child. In one year I created this and I offer you the opportunity to consider what it is in your life you can give birth to? The possibilities seem
nonexistent when your brain is wired to tell you a story that ends in a shoulder shrug and messages of uncertainty. You just never met anyone that offered you the concept that more is waiting for you.
You posers every perfect gift
you need within you right now, its just that no
one has ever given you the tools to believe a different story about you and about your future, Imagine where you can be 1 year from now if you decided that you were ready to feel alive and excited again.
Imagine how it would feel if you believed that your story wasn't sad and you were the worst-case scenario anymore.
Even if we've never met, I want you to know that I believe in you and I know you are capable of creating a life you love even though you couldn't become a mom. If you are ready, I've got you. you are just in time to Join us in the next Thrive
After Infertility Mastermind. Thrive is a 3 month small group class that will help
you learn the tools and how to apply them in your
life so you can go from feeling disappointed and confused to fulfilled is purposeful. I cant wait to show you how easy it is!
Thank you for showing up here every week
As of today, we are just over 8,500 downloads of the podcast, which just tells me that there is more work to be done because at the rate, the podcast is growing, it's apparent women are searching to love their life, if they couldn't become a mom
Preparing for this episode, I've been thinking quite a bit - mostly because it comes up quite often when I'm doing teaching - if it's possible to be grieve something that you never had.
Is that really possible?
Is it a thing?
YES, it is a thing!
Tune in and listen how to grieve when there's nothing really tangible that you're grieving about.
You can grieve the thought and the dreams and the hopes that you had of becoming a mom.
For many of us it's something that we just thought was going to be in our future and so easy for us to attain.
We did everything we possibly could to reach our goal of motherhood. And it didn't happen. We grieve because we're saying goodbye to a vision that we had for our futures and a vision that we had for ourselves and the dreams that we had to:
- raise a child,
- grow a family,
- send kids off to school
- send them down the aisle to get married.
- become grandparents.
That is a whole story we created in our minds for so long. And we played in our minds since we were young girls. If you find yourself wondering why you have this pit in your stomach and sadness in your heart when you think about the lack of motherhood and the lack of children and the dreams that you dreamed of for so long, not being available to you, that is what I call grief.
Some people may tell you that you can't grieve something that doesn't exist, but in my teaching and in the way that I work in my coaching practice and with the students that I work with, spend a lot of time having compassion for ourselves and navigating this grieving process. Let yourself feel. As though you have lost something because you have, you have lost a dream and a vision that you had for your future.
There is absolutely nobody who can tell me that I am not entitled to grieve. You are entitled to do the same!
When a person thinks about grief, they typically think about sorrow that's associated with losing someone. But grief can follow many different types of losses. When I give you the example of losing something that you hoped for, but never had it's when you're finding out that your hopes and your dreams or expectations may not come true at all, infertility or pregnancy loss or infant child loss is one of the greatest things we have felt in our lives and something that we didn't expect.
As human beings, we just dream - it's what we do. For many of us motherhood was the biggest dream we ever had and it becomes so hard to navigate what you're feeling and how to overcome it and how to really put words around some of the things that we go through when we are mourning and grieving our ability to become moms.
I've noticed that society does not have a way to deal with these type of losses. There's no funeral when you find out that you're infertile or that you've lost a child before it was born and people don't typically acknowledge some of the things that you're going through. We're not out there talking about it, so when people don't hear us talking about it, they think recognizing it or gesturing it, may trigger us. So people oftentimes feel very alone because there's a lot of shame and a lot of judgment for ourselves that we're wondering what's wrong with us, that we are actually grieving something that we never had.
I encourage grieving - it's such an important part of us getting through this healing process and this process of learning to love your life. Even though you couldn't become a mom and society just doesn't have established ways to grieve. These kind of, um, intangible losses, if you will, I'd like to offer you some opportunities to consider of ways that you can grieve this process or grieve this loss that you have had because everyone's process is unique and it's best to discover what does and doesn't work for you.
So first I, offer you acknowledge what it is you have lost. It's not just the inability to have children.
What we truly have lost is:
- an understanding or the anticipation of what our future was going to look like
- that we didn't have to be the ones responsible for plotting everything we wanted to do in our future,
- that we would just be able to create this beautiful family and then live our life through the milestones that our children were going through.
Acknowledge that there is loss around that.
Find an opportunity to share your story.
Seek a trusted group or someone in your family that you can trust or someone you can talk to.
Do paper thinking about that (download The Guide to Loving Your Life Again).
Join the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind, a small group of women who get you.
Consider what it's like to grieve and why you are entitled to grieve and feel a sense of loss. and mourn this part of your life.
Do some work on your past self.
When you go through fertility treatments and find out that you can't be a mom, you just always feel like your life is at 80%. And oftentimes that's because we are living from a sense of our past self. When you are able to do some work on your past self and complete the story of your past, not necessarily forgetting it or acting like it didn't happen, but just allowing yourself to grieve who you were at that point in your life and who you wanted to be and allowing yourself to get really crystal clear that despite your life not turning out the way that you dreamed it would, it can still be a fabulous, fulfilling and abundant life.
I always acknowledge that the grief will never go away. I know that sounds disappointing, but the great news is, when you understand how to process your grief and work with someone who has been in your shoes and knows exactly what it feels like to wake up as you, every day, you will start to understand that the grief is just something that tags along with you. The more that you process it and process the future that awaits you and the future that seems exciting and fulfilling and so easy to wake up in every day. You'll see that the grief does not out outweigh that future version of you. It just is kind of along for their ride. And every once in a while, it'll pop it's head and you'll say, "Oh, grief.... there you are. I knew you were still here. I knew you were still with me. I knew you will always be a reminder of where I've been and how far I've come."
Feeling grief and feeling like you need to mourn in this portion of your life is normal. Nothing to be ashamed of! You're not weird. You're not odd. You are just an infertile woman. Who's doing her best to create a life that she loves. If you're interested in joining the thrive after infertility mastermind, the price is going up on September 1st. If you've thought at all about it now is your time to register. It is going to be the most magnificent three months of your life, because you are gonna have so many tools that nobody talks about. I feel so grateful to be the one to offer them to you because they are the exact tools that I have used to create this amazing life of mine, even though I couldn't become a mom.
Go to stitchcoaching.com/thrive. Register and make a commitment to yourself that you can get to the point in your life that you are just beaming again and wanting to be so excited about your future, because it is possible ladies. I know because I have done it. I would not be here today if I did not do the work that I am ready to teach you so that you can do the same amazingness in your life too.
So have an awesome week. And remember it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
I am doing great. I am just very overjoyed. Lot of good stuff going on. I feel like between the. Upcoming thrive after infertility mastermind that I'm putting together.
And then some new clients I started working with in my private one-on-one coaching. I am just buzzing over here and it feels really good. So my week so far is off to a good start and I hope you are doing everything that you possibly plan to nourish yourself. And I love that you decided to tune into this podcast and.
It gives you some sort of nourishment that you need to know that you're not alone. So let's get started talking this week about what life feels like after you fail IVF. And the reason I bring this up is because we're about to go into a very triggering time of the year. There's so much ability and so much hope you can have.
You don't have to finish out the year feeling the way that you do right now. And for many of us, when we finish IVF treatments and find out that we can't become moms, we just sit idle and almost. Just become a numb version of ourselves because we just have never understood what life would be like or even comprehended that it would possibly happen to us.
And now we're in this situation. So that's why I wanna talk about how time passes for so many of us after failing infertility and why it is and what it is that you can do to maybe bring some new opportunity into life. For you after failing in fertility treatments. So think about how our bodies and how our lives have been accustomed to being for these last several years.
For many of us, we've lived our life in chunks of time. It maybe went for our initial workups, got our diagnoses back, navigated the decision to do IIS and then deciding from there, if you're even interested or capable or. A candidate for IVFs, and then let's not even get started on the cycles and the, you know, stemming and medicated and all that good stuff.
So we have been accustomed to living our life in chunks of time. And so when you finish. Your treatments and you are figuring out like what in the heck life could actually look like, because you never imagined you would even get here. Right? We were wouldn't even let our minds wander. To this point that we are now living in knowing that we're not gonna have children of our own or ever be moms it's normal, that you just sit in this chunk of your life.
And because you've been accustomed to there being a finish point or a protocol or someone telling you like, okay, this is the ending. Here's our next step. So we've just used to having a roadmap put out in front of us as we've navigated our fertility journeys. And then we're sitting here like, Where's the map.
Like, all I see in front of me is just air with nothing that I can even imagine I would fill my future with because I've never even imagined what my life would be like if I didn't have children to live my future with and live through their milestones and have them be my milestones. So. We all feel that way.
And I find that with time, we're just not used to having control of it. We are used to being on somebody else's clock, biological clock, whatever it was. So here we are this opportunity in our lives. And I want you to consider the opportunity that you could start to dream of a plan for your future. It does not have to be daunt.
It does not have to be what you totally can't believe, but think you should be dreaming of it. Could just be getting curious about what things interest you, what things would you like to spend your time doing? Where are you when you find yourself at peace? It doesn't always have to be on a beach in The Bahamas, although that would be very nice.
It could just be. Sitting on a patio chair and listening to the birds. It does not have to be major. It could just be noticing where you find yourself feeling the most at ease or free. When you find yourself being creative or maybe interested in something new, just start to pay attention to those moments.
Start to fill your time. with things that give you peace and calmness, that might be your baby steps. So there's after that maybe it's goals that you want to achieve. Maybe it's a financial goal. Maybe it's a career goal. Maybe it's a education goal. Maybe it's a relationship goal. Maybe it's a weight goal.
You know, for me, that was my story. I gained all the weight during my infertility treatments. And three years after I was done with my last IVF cycle, I still had this extra 25 pounds that whenever it would come up, I would tell people, oh yeah, well, I gained a lot of weight because of my fertility medication.
It was kind of like, at what point was I gonna stop giving. My weight, a way to that portion of my life that I wanted to close the chapter on. So for me, setting a, a weight goal for myself was something that was very useful to me and transformative for me, because that was how I became exposed to thought work.
So you heard me talk about that in episode? I believe it was 33 with Corrine Crabtree. Mentor. And the name of the episode is moments with my mentor because sh going there to find my path through losing weight, offered me this opportunity that I could actually create a life that I love, even though I wasn't gonna be a mom.
And so that is why I show up here offering you opportunities to think about things, because I just didn't know these. Ways of thinking were available. I just believed a story that women that didn't have children. Were pitied we're looked at as like the POS in the corner who people tiptoed around or worried about offending or people that thought I was weak and broken.
So I looked at myself as weak and broken. I mean, there are just so many ways that we believe we are perceived because there is no one out there showing what the real face of your future could look like. Even though you couldn't become a mom. And so that. Why it's so important for me to show up to you and why I know that this works is because I have done it for myself because I am no different than you.
I had a good life married to my husband. We had a nice family, did nice things, but it just, everything felt like I was maxing out at 80% in my life and I was sick and tired. Of my life just feeling at 80%, cuz that wasn't who I was. I was someone who had success in their career who had left to go away to school and then moved to Washington DC after that and took exciting jobs that were risky and fun and educational.
And I felt like I had given that all away. My curiosity and my interest and this thrive that I had for life, because I couldn't become a mom. That is exactly why I want you to know that this is available for you. And you've heard me talk about my mastermind that I'm doing. It's thrive after infertility.
It's gonna be such an amazing transformative three months during these upcoming triggering months where we are seeing everyone's kids. In their first day back to school pictures, college dorm drops, drop offs. It's just a very hard time this time of year. So I'm gonna be starting the mastermind. We will have our 10 folks selected.
I do wanna keep it small. So if there's no room laughter on the waiting list, know that it's. Not because you're not wanted, it's just that it's so important for me to create a small group that really has an opportunity to get to know each other. Cuz I think we so yearn for friendship after having this portion of our life end up in a way that we never dreamed it would.
And we see our friends that are having lives so different than ours because the. They have their kids. So for me, it's so important to keep the mastermind small at a, so know that if you don't make the list, I will put you on a wait list for my next class. So all that to say, if that sounds of interest to you, if you wanna start learning how to create a future that you love.
And not just let time pass as you're waiting for the next indication that something needs to change in your life for it to become better. If you're doing that, you're understood. And I have been there and you are doing what you need to do for yourself, but I just want you to know that when you're ready to feel like.
You wanna dream about your future again, and create a future that you love and are excited about. I can help you do that because I have done that in my life. And it's what I'm so passionate. It's a secret that I feel like I have that I just want the world to know about. I will leave you with that. If you're interested in joining the mastermind, send me a DM.
You can go on my website, stitchcoaching.com and book a free discovery call. Also while you're on there, don't forget to download my guide to loving your life again. It's my free resource on stitch coaching.com. I would love to hear from you. Thank you so much. Have a good week. I love you. And remember it is never too late to discover your meaning.
I'll talk to you.
Thank you for coming to listen to another episode, as you know, I am getting close to my 52nd. Episode hard to believe it's gonna be almost a year that I started this podcast.
I started it out super simple just by deciding to tell my story for the first time, and it has flourished into something more amazing than I could have ever imagined. Since that first episode I have been showing up here every week and continuously offering you opportunities to realize that you are not alone in this journey of yours.
And even though you aspired and dreamed your whole life to become a mom, if that didn't happen to you. I show up here every week to let you know that the things you are thinking about your journey and the ways you're feeling about yourself for not being able to become a mom are not obscure, are not crazy and let you know that you are not alone. So many of us have felt the way that you feel today. I show up every week letting you know that you can come to the other side of things, even if you're feeling sadness and belief that your life could never feel full and abundant, unless you could become a mom.
One of my goals is to have reached 10,000 unique downloads by my 52nd episode, which will be in early September. I've know that the algorithm gods will farm this episode and farm this podcast out to other women searching for resources within fertility, if I have rating and reviews, actively being put up, um, about the podcast.
So that is my main mission and goal for why I even became a certified coach. Why I started this podcast was to help women within infertility know that they're not alone on this journey and that. No matter how many rounds of IVF you have, or haven't done your infertility and your inability to become a mom does not have to define who you are, the rest of your life.
So if you would put a rating and review up, I would so appreciate that. And this week's topic, we are going to talk about having purpose. And it's something that I have worked with. So many of my students on navigating, cuz I think we have this idea as women, that our purpose is to become mothers and to give birth and to contribute to society through having a baby.
We do not have to accept that as our definition of purpose and can decide today that you no longer want to believe that your purpose in this world is to become a mom. It's not something that I've ever seen written anywhere that when we were born on our birth certificates, we were told that our purpose is to have children and to become moms.
this week, we were gonna talk about what it's like to decide your purpose. And I think to be quite honest with you, we make it so much harder than it has to be. And I think that we've come to contrive this idea that your reason for being here on this planet, it comes down to one sentence and one definer, one adjective, whatever it is, decide now that it's not true.
There's so many women, I know that are mothers that have a purpose in my life that isn't being my mom. And there's so many people that I've encountered in my life that serve a purpose or fill a need that I've had in my life. That aren't my biological mother. So if we're sitting here believing that the only reason that we don't have a purpose on.
Planet is because we're not a mom. We are wrong. You do not have to have the title of mom or have to have given birth to a child or be raising a child to have purpose in this world. I wanna offer a couple thoughts for you to ponder and work on this week. So I want you to decide first, what purpose do you serve in your own life?
And I think that is something that we just breeze past. And we don't ever question the purpose that we have when we wake up every day. What purpose do we want to serve in our own lives? I think we oftentimes think of a purpose as. Something to somebody else or serving somebody else. And we're constantly looking for approvals or acknowledgement from other people in order to feel as though we have purpose in.
This world. And I'm gonna tell you if we continue to wait for other people to need us or fill a void that somebody else has in their life, we're constantly going to be yearning for a reason why we are in the existence of other people. When it's so much easier. If we decide how we want to serve and show up every day in the existence of ourselves selves.
Find an opportunity, whether it's before you go to bed every night, or when you wake up in the morning, decide three things. Either that you accomplished for the day that you just are laying your head on the pillow after, or decide in the morning, three things that you want to accomplish. You can call 'em goals.
You can call 'em purposes for your day, but start to decide. That it doesn't just have to be one overarching umbrella that defines your whole life. You can serve purpose in your life every single day by taking care of tasks, like working out. Doing paper thinking self care. I mean, there are so many opportunities to do things for yourself and serve a purpose in your own life before you even need to worry about or ever have concern.
Whether you're serving a purpose in somebody else's life. If you just allow yourself to consider that as an opportunity for a week, maybe two, you'll start to see how many times you show up for yourself in your life that you have not taken an opportunity to recognize, and you'll start to it really good at deciding that you have opportunity each day to create magic for yourself.
And this goes back, I think a lot to feeling bad for or thinking that you're selfish, if you do things for yourself. So if you go back to my episode, gosh, I wanna say it was maybe 42 or 43 about being selfish. Listen to that episode and realize that doing for yourself is not a bad thing. It is actually the most nurturing and opportunity for growth that you can create.
In your life is to show up for yourself. So decide what purpose you serve for yourself. And then also I wanna talk about having purpose and that overarching umbrella that we believe one person walks around their whole life with a name badge that says, hello, my name is Lana, and my purpose is to be a.
it's so not true. Think about the people that you've encountered. Think about teachers in your life. Think about people in your religious community. Think about a sibling, a cousin, a friend, a classmate, a. We have so many opportunities to serve purpose in other people's lives in so many different ways. Cuz I can guarantee you Mrs.
Drek my second grade teacher who I remember so vividly and so kindly she served a purpose of teaching me. Arithmetic. I remember that's where we'd go and do our addition and subtraction tables. And we would get to put a sticker on the wall if we did our addition, subtraction correctly. So she served a purpose of teaching me how to do basic math.
Now I'm sure that if you ask somebody else in their life who knew her outside of her classroom, Mrs. DN served a different purpose in their life. So when we. When we can decide or when we can start to open our mind to the possibility. that we don't have to just have given birth to a child or be raising a child in order to have purpose in this world.
We can free ourselves from this clamp that we have down on ourselves, that we have no purpose. And I guarantee you that you waking up every day and first serving yourself and doing things for yourself that bring you. closer to being the full version of you. And then. You just showing up in your day, I guarantee you.
Or if I were follow you around with a notebook and start asking the people that you interact with every day, the purpose that you serve in their life, I promise you we would come home with 15 different reasons or 15 different things that you provide others just by showing up every day and being you so decide today.
Purpose. Doesn't have to always be about being a mom and you are loved and you are so treasured by so many people by just waking up every day, opening up those beautiful eyeballs of yours and putting your feet on the ground and showing up as the truest aversion of you is the greatest purpose you can serve in this world.
So, if you're listening to this and you're thinking, I have no clue how to do this, I wanna let you know that I am going to be launching my first small group coaching collective, and it is going to be magnificent. I wanna tell you a little bit about the value you are going to get out of working in a small group fashion with me for three months, the price is $798.
I promise you it'll never be that cheap again, but I wanted to open it up at a price that people who haven't had the opportunity to work with me can afford and realize that after three months you are gonna have. The most amazing tools to create a life that feels so full and so abundant because we are gonna get crystal clear on how to believe something different about yourself and your future.
If you can't become a mom and the tools that I offer you, the best value that I think I could say about this three months we're gonna have together is the learning doesn't end at three months. Cuz when I. Am finished. And we come to a conclusion at December. You have the tools that I am gonna be teaching you over the, the three months period that we're together, these tools are gonna last you a lifetime.
So you might be spending $798 now, but that $798 times the rest of your life. Is going to offer you some of the greatest opportunity to live the biggest and fullest and most exciting version of yourself. So I hope that you'll consider joining us. My wait list is getting fuller. And I want you to be part of this because my goal, every day, when I put my feet on the floor, my purpose is to be the best example to you, of what life could look like.
If you can't become a mom and you will learn those same tools that I have gathered throughout my journey after. So hopeful and dreaming my whole life that I could only become a mom. And when that didn't happen to me, I didn't know where to go from that. So I am going to help you learn to love your life and love yourself and be excited about your future again, even though you won't be a mom.
If you're interested, Send me a message. You know how to reach me stitch coaching on Instagram, stitch coaching.com on the internet. And I cannot wait to work with you, have an awesome week. And remember it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
I am feeling so full, so grateful and so energized by the amazing students that I've been working with and all of the people that have been so receptive to my new coaching collective that I presented to you on Episode 47 last week.
First, I just want to say thank you for your interest in becoming the best version of you. For so long. I lived my life believing that if I couldn't become a mom, I would always be at 80% max and that my life would be good, but it would never be great. I've learned that that is just wrong.
My ability to create a life that I love, even if I'm not a mom, is so real and so available. I show up here every week with a message for you to hear and start to believe that that is possible for you too. You don't have to live your life at. 80% max, you don't always have to look around and think or believe that you are missing just a small piece of the puzzle, and if you just had that one piece, things would be great for you. It's not true.
I only know, because I spent many years believing that, and I know you do too. There was no one out there talking about what life could look like feel like, and be like, if you weren't a mom. The stories that we heard were always the sob stories and the sad stories and the stories of broken women and women that never felt complete. I'm here to tell you that completion is available to you and you have everything you need right now within you, but maybe you just don't know how to find it within you. That is why I show up here every week and do my best to bring to you the topics that come up often within my coaching practice and with my students.
Last week we talked about a topic a lot of people feel sadness around and a lot of people feel judgment for themselves. If they're feeling like they're outgrowing friendships, or if the friendships that they've had for their lifetime just don't fit in the same peg that they once did. You heard me talk about that in Episode 47 if you haven't listened to it, I advise you to go back, take a quick listen and know that it is okay. If friendships change in form, and the role that you play in someone's life or that someone has played in your life historically changes. And that is the beauty of us evolving as humans is that life is fluid.
And how boring would it be if we only had the same four friends for the rest of our life. So listen to episode 47 and then come back to episode 48, where we are gonna talk about the things that I created as sort of a laundry list that has come up as I've been coaching my students on this very topic.
Yes. We know that we have friendships we might have outgrown. We might not feel the same that we once did when we are in the company of certain people. But how do we meet new people without being creepy and without feeling like we're on a dating app to meet other women that we solely wanna have friendships with, how do we find ways to engage ourselves in activities that will allow us to find people that align with the interest that we have at this point in our life.
I went through and I created a list of ways to expand your friendship circle
There are a lot of people that are not used to being initiators in their friendships and decide now that if you are one of those people who historically was not comfortable with walking into a crowd and introducing yourself or being the one to propose plans, decide now that you are just curious enough to try it a few times.
You can go back to not being an initiator and not being one to make plans after you just promise me that you'll give it a shot just a few times. When we decide that we can try to come out of our comfort zone and try new things, we just might be able to uncover some new qualities that we've acquired as we've grown through this process of being new people and creating a new life that we truly love, even though we couldn't become moms.
I've always been a connector. If you've ever taken Strengthsfinder, one of my top five attributes was Connector.
I recently took the Disc survey. I scored all the way to the far corner of "i", which is Influencer. When I read the description, it was, so me I'm somebody who loves to create connection somebody who thrives around people and loves being part of a crowd and. Being somebody who introduces people that have things in common has given me an opportunity to explore new groups, new interests, new friendships at a time when I've needed it most as I've navigated my life through. IVF and realizing that I am going to live the rest of my life as a woman, without children.
Here's a list that my students and I decided were some good ways to meet new friends.
Workout class
Every time I drive through Chicago, there are some new studio, aerial yoga, hot yoga, orange theory, bar method, countless studios that I keep seeing every time I'm driving through the city, a lot of them have a free week trial or you can join it for a month free at a discounted rate.
Try a new workout class and talk to people while you're waiting for class to start. If you go to a class and you start to see familiar faces. And as you're seeing familiar faces, say, Hey, I'm organizing a brunch on Saturday after class. Does anyone want to go?
Or maybe go to the studio manager say, Hey, I had an idea. I wanted to get together a group of women who all enjoy doing this workout and plan a brunch. And I bet you, the studio manager would love that because you're creating connection for people to want to come back to their studio because they found friendships.
MeetUp
Have you guys ever. Joined anything on meetup. To me, it's a shopping cart of people with different interests. So I actually created my own meetup group for Childfree and Childless women. it was amazing how many women joined my group in Chicago. That is how we actually brought together our group of people for The Other's Day, brunch this past May. Did you know there's even online zoom meetups, you might be able to find people that share common interests.
Dog moms
I'm part of Facebook dog mom groups. Are any of you and women without human children? I absolutely love that group on Facebook. If you are, give me a shout out and let me know that you're on there too, cuz I love to find you on there.
Dog parks
Maybe there's somebody that you see on walks often. Maybe if you have a dog that plays well with another dog, you can create a play date for your dog. I wish my little cocoa was a little bit more social. Kind of a jerk to other dogs, but back in her younger years, she was so sweet at dog parks. I used to meet some of the nicest people when I would take her to our local dog park, utilize your potential to become friends with other dog moms.
Athletics
Some of my students are former athletes and they have had really great success meeting new friends through a tennis group. For example, one of my students played tennis in college and she has had such a fun time getting into a doubles group with other women that play tennis and has found some nice friends that way.
Golf is another thing. I've had a couple of my students that have joined golf leagues and have met some awesome friends that way.
Pickle ball. I have never played pickle ball. Some of my students have said it is such a fun activity and a fun sport, and you can even play in a couple's league. So maybe you want to get your significant other and you guys play pickle ball together.
Volunteering
If you want to be somebody who gives back in the community, you might just be finding some new friends while you're volunteering.
Book club
Are you an avid reader? I was thinking I should create a book club. I have recently gotten back into reading again and I have had. A growing list of books that I want to read. So, you know what, let's throw that out there. I'm going to throw out us creating our own book club here or so now what book club. So, if you're interested in that, drop me a line, let me know your favorite book. Maybe we'll organize that.
Alumni events
One of my students is really active in her college alumni association and she said she has met some awesome people going to. They're organized alumni events and has even host of some of their local area, alumni events.
Friends of Friends
How many times have you had a friend say, oh my gosh, I met somebody that you would totally hit it off. Or you would totally love, and then you just never follow up. I actually have two people just last week friends that I know that reached out to me and are like, oh my gosh, I have the most awesome person that I know in Chicago that you would totally hit it off with. I asked for their number and I texted 'em and I reached out it doesn't have to be creepy.
So Now What Sisterhood
you heard me talk last week about my three-month coaching collective. This is going to give you the most amazing opportunity to close out 2022 as your best year. It can be the most transformative year yet because in three months we are going to pack together. Some of the most amazing women who are going to be doing growth and creating and carving the path to the most amazing life that they can dream of. And I chose this timing because there's a lot of triggers happening.
Towards this end of the year, you have all the
- back to school photos that you're seeing of friends and family there's
- Halloween, where you're seeing people trick or treating the cute little kids coming to your door for trick or treating
- The holidays.
In three months with us together, we are going to do some of the most amazing work creating the life that you truly love, even though you couldn't become a mom. Just some ideas for you. And if you're thinking of other things, I would love to add them to my list. I'd like to have that as part of my resources. So drop me a line. Let me know if you have any other ways that you have found.
To create connection with others. And of course, if you're interested in joining my three-month coaching collective, please let me know. I have had an overwhelming response of people reaching out, wanting to get more information, I would love to hold a spot for you, cuz it is important for me to keep it a small group so that we can start to build some bonds together.
And it can be a safe environment that doesn't seem too overwhelming and too daunting. I hope to see you there.
Have an awesome week. And remember it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
As women without children, you are not alone if you question your relevance in your existing friendships, especially when there’s lots of mom and kid talk in your social gatherings. So many of my students wrestle with the feelings of alienation, lacking or detachment when thinking that you don’t have anything in common or you can’t relate to a friend or a group of friends that used to be your crew, your people, your ride or dies.
I get it. Having feelings of alienation, detachment or feelings of lack aren’t ones that often go out seeking, so when we notice we have them more often while navigating a childless future, it doesn’t sit well.
We have a few options and you have the ability to decide if any of these feel good for you.
Show up and sit there thinking, when are they going to stop talking about how great Joey is in t-ball and how well Susie is doing with her potty training. I’m just going to keep smiling and say, “That’s so nice. That’s awesome.”
Tell your friends that you are having a tough time, but you love them and really want to see them, but you’d be so appreciative if there’s no conversation about kids at today’s outing.
Decide that you are going to pull back and sit this girls night out.
These are just some ideas that have come from coaching I’ve worked on with my students.
And maybe you listening to these options and questioning if your difference in circumstances has you thinking that things just won’t be like they used to, and that is OK, too!
Think of how many things have changed in your life… careers, hairstyles, home decor, personal interests, the list goes on of things you have outgrown in your life as your life has taken shape.
Friendships are no different, yet we judge ourselves and expect ourselves to consistently show up to conversations and events that don't offer us personal growth.
What I find most students struggle with is showing up for themselves first because there is security and familiarity with a group of humans that somehow seems more impartnat to be part of than how you are feeling and the story you are believing about you and your worth because you fit in anymore.
So let’s talk about how you know when you’ve outgrown a friendship.
Frankly, I think we just know. It’s just weather we what to take action because of it.
Are you excited about the time together because it will be enjoyable or are you getting together because you are worried you will be judged if you don’t show up?
Oftentimes your friendships change because you're changing as a woman. You are not the same person anymore. If you are more recently navigating your journey out of IVF there’s so much that is different and things may just be tender and raw right now. That is to be expected. Maybe you just need to hit the pause button on things right now and you are settling into this chapter of your life.
I did that with my friend groups. I was disconnected for a long while. I remeber judging myself for not wanting to see their babies or buying a baby gift because it was too painful for me. So on top of having sadness that they were able to enjoy this dream that I knew would never be mine, I judged myself for being a selfish awful friend. If you are doing the same, know that it is not a requirement. You can put your needs first.
I love my girls. We all have different journeys and we have loved ourselves through them:
Mom of identical IVF twins
Single mom
Foster mom and me
But if you have found yourself, outing after outing feeling like you have less and less in common with old friends, that doesn’t need to freak you out that you’re moving in a different direction. Maybe, over time, the chemistry and the connection and the bond that you had is no longer there.
Here are a few steps to take, some things to think about before you’ve noticed that you've outgrown a friendship. And I also want to note that when you’ve outgrown a friendship. I just coached a student on this last week. It doesn’t need to be dramatic. Nothing dramatic needs to happen. No sit down conversation telling that that I’ve outgrown you and now we’re no longer friends.
It can just be a gentle changing of the relationship. It can change forms. It doesn’t have to necessarily end in an abrupt way. NO need for finger pointing or a post-it break up (referance to Sex and the City) unless you feel there is a need because your value are no longer in alignment.
When you enter the part of your journey when the grief of childlessness presents less and less, you will make space for your growth and start to create a future you absolutely love and feel excited about…which btw is the transformational work I do with the students in my practice. When you start to focus on your growth and plot the future you can’t wait to explore, your values will change and it is so exciting, especially after feeling like your life was on hold for so long as you tried desperately to become a mom. SO when you grow, what you value and what we’re focused on changes.
When our life changes, sometimes our values change, and there are certain things that we value that we don’t value anymore.
It’s ok to ask yourself questions that will get you to understand, what is it I value in a person? Just because you don’t find value in a friendship anymore, that doesn’t mean you and making a statement that the person is no longer valuable, it just means that your circle of friendship may have come to a completion and each of you have wonderful interests, experiences and journeys that are growing in amazing ways, just in different forms.
If you are are at a crossroads, here are a few questions top consider:
Why am I friends with this person?
If I met this person today, would I choose to develop a friendship with them?
And if the answer is no, it doesn’t mean that you break up with them. You let the relationship take on a different form. You can still be friendly and you can carry so much love that person, but it just shows up in a very different way.
Maybe there are friendships where you have been sharing something that is unhealthy and you partaking in buffering like behaviors together. Maybe you have a friendship based on things that holds one another back.
Maybe you drink a lot together, smoke together, talk shit and bitch and complain or pizza or cupcake loving buddy. If you take activities like that out, what do you have in common and how is your time together nourishing? And if you come up blank, a clean break from that type of relationship can be important. Maybe it’s hitting the pause button on the friendship or maybe it is forever.
I went though that, where I slowed down alot with my social drinking when I started my weight loss journey after failing IVF. So maybe you say, hey…I’d really love to hang but instead of slamming wine, would you be up for a workout class or a walk instead. You just may be the catalyst for them to form new habits too. If they don’t, remember why you are choosing to do other things with your time. You have goals that you want to meet because you are ready to take your future back and create a life you truly love.
So, use your own judgment. Trust yourself. Be honest with yourself and be honest with the other person when it’s necessary and when you think it will be helpful. I do not think it’s always necessary or helpful to tell someone, “I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.” It’s just not necessary. In many cases you can let the relationship just kind of change forms.
We fight for thoughts that don't feel good to us.
Many of us have a past that did not go as we had planned, dreamed and hoped for. We commonly feel defeated or like we were helpless in a circumstance of going through IVF, and doing all the things that our protocols asked of us, our doctors asked us and we couldn't become moms. But that is in your past.
If you are attracted to what I teach every week on the podcast, you are probably like I was - somebody who thought:
- I was never lucky.
- I had bad luck.
- Things don't work out for me.
- Everyone else "has it" but I don't.
These were beliefs I accumulated probably even way before my IVF treatments and my diagnosis of infertility, but when things go wrong, and things don't go as they planned, they're so easy to reach out and grab.
It's so easy to walk around like the walking wounded saying things like "I am so not lucky. This is the worst day of my life. I have terrible luck", and that is just because we're used to it. Our brain has over 60,000 thoughts a day and when you've been conditioned to tell yourself those types of things, it's pretty common to not want to think great things about your life when things don't go as you planned.
Last week I had a super crazy day with so much going on. I went into my parking garage, got in my car, pushed the button, but this time my car did not start.
It was like bone dead and I was not going anywhere until I got it towed somewhere or got jumper cables, but we got it all figured out. My husband works the late shift on Thursdays, so he helped troubleshoot and I was back in my car within a couple hours. If you're gonna have your car not start, it couldn't have been a better outcome. Things just worked in sequence and worked in flow. But as the day went on and I was talking to a couple of friends and telling them I had the worst day; my car wouldn't start and I had so much going on and all I kept thinking was I'm gonna have to put all this money into my old car right before I get rid of it.
All these crazy mismanaged thoughts were going through my mind. I finally stopped and I noticed what was coming out of my mouth and I said, Why am I fighting for these shitty thoughts?
I was so committed to making it be such a greater deal than what it was. You would have thought that my car blew up on the side of the expressway, and I was stranded there for eight hours by the way I was talking about it.
It made me realize how often our minds like to lead us in a place that seems dramatic and a place that seems like we have the worst luck.
I literally stopped myself. And I said out loud, why am I fighting for these thoughts? Why am I fighting to feel stressed out about something that worked out just fine.
My brain was so fighting for me to believe that my day was awful, and that I had the worst luck and that nothing works out right for me. But that simply was not true. Think about what you are fighting for to believe about yourself. Do things go okay, and pretty well in your life, but you get focused on this thing, or this mishap or this hiccup in your day and you are allowing that to define your whole life, and to classify yourself as someone who's not lucky, or somebody who does not have good things happen to them?
Start thinking about what thoughts you want to fight for in your life. Yes, certain things don't go as I planned, but to say that I had the worst day of my life or that I have the worst luck are not thoughts or beliefs that are worth fighting for in my life and noticing them and recognizing that I had them was all I needed to do.
Next time things don't go as you've planned, or when one small hiccup happens in your life, are you creating a belief that your life just never works out right? And that the worst things always happen to you? If you just notice them and stop and ask yourself one simple question.
Is that really true?
Sit with yourself and the answer and listen to yourself. Maybe it's not always true that I have bad luck. And maybe it's not always true, that things never go right for me.
As long as we're letting our minds just roam free, and we're fighting for thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and our luck, and we're fighting for ones that make us feel defeated and less than, we're never going to know what it's like to feel like we can conquer things.
I could believe that I'm somebody who's resourceful.
I can believe that I'm somebody who figures things out. That feels so much better than telling myself that I'm somebody that just always has bad luck. We don't always have bad luck. You're just a human, living a human life and doing the best you can.
If we don't ever tell ourselves that we are doing the best that we can and we're fighting to believe things about our lives that don't feel good. We'll never feel like we can figure it out. We have a primal brain that goes on its natural way of thinking things that are repetitive. Your brain just learns a pattern, and it continues to do things over and over. And it's no different with our thoughts. If we've been accustomed to believing certain things about ourselves or our outcomes and we don't manage our brain and steer it in a different direction, it doesn't know how to do it on its own.
You can decide that you want to fight for the thoughts and the beliefs about you that make you feel like you are a freaking rock star, and that no matter what you can figure things out, you will feel so much better. You will be able to accomplish so many more things in your life that may offer you hurdles, because you can just believe you are somebody who figures it out and you can fight for that thought every single day. You’ll learn that the more you think about it and the more it becomes prominent to you, the easier it is to grab that thought, than believing that you're somebody who always has bad luck. If you're working on doing some paper thinking this week, check out The Guide to Loving Your Life Again - it is a free resource to you. stitchcoaching.com and download it, you can go to Instagram, and download it there. It offers questions you can ask of yourself, daily affirmations, new thoughts to think , so if you're interested in downloading the guide, it is free to you.
This week we are talking about feeling in control. It’s easy to feel out of control during your fertility treatments, but when your fertility treatments end and you are left without a baby that’s a whole nother set up uncontrollables you feel like you have been dealt. The reason we feel out of control isn’t actually because we have less control than we did before we started on our fertility treatment journey. It’s because we spend a lot of energy focused on what we can’t control that we block ourselves from seeing what we can. I’ve learned that we don’t have to control everything to feel in control of our lives. We just have to know the difference between what’s controllable and what isn’t and adjust accordingly.
When we spend less energy focused on what we can’t control the more energy we have to focus on what we can.
I have gotten a few more listener reviews and I wanted to read a couple because you know I am on my mission to get 10,000 downloads of the So No What Podcast. I chose this goal because the more downloads we get of the podcast, the more the algorithm gods will get the podcast showing up in the feeds of infertile women like us that are searching for ways to love their life even though they couldn’t become a mom
REVIEWS
Okay, let’s dive into what I really want to talk about today which is controlling the controllables. I know what it’s like to feel out of control of your life. I know what it’s like to go through life thinking things are going the way they’re supposed to go, or the way you dreamed they would go and then all of a sudden you get diagnosed with infertility, go through years of treatments don’t end up having a baby and feel completely out of control, start to question everything, especially our luck and our future.
It seems like we’re more out of control than we’ve ever been and that we have less control than we ever have. And maybe that is the way that we’re experiencing it.
But the reason that we’re experiencing that way isn’t what we think it is. It’s not that we actually have less control than we have had in various other points in our lives. It’s usually because we’re starting to spend more energy focused on what we can’t control which then leaves us less energy to focus on what we can. And we start getting very confused about what we can control and what we can’t. But what’s important to remember is that we can sort these things out.
You can figure out the difference between what you can control and what you can’t - it’s often not what we think it is.
In this week’s episode I’m going to give you some examples of where you might be confusing what you can control from what you can’t in your own life. To be quite honest, we really don’t have to control everything, we just have to know the difference between what we can control and what we can’t and then adjust. And then by adjusting, by spending less energy on what we can’t control, we have more energy to spend on what we can. And that’s where I have seen the magic happen in my life
Here’s what’s not controllable.
Whatever’s happening in your brain and your body due to grief is not controllable. Our body responds in many different ways to grief. Our brain has changed as a result of our greif. What’s happening in our brain is not something we can control. If you are having infertility fog and things feel cloudy to you, you can’t control that. You didn’t cause it. There’s nothing wrong with you because it’s happening. It’s not something you can control.
When you don’t have a baby and know you never can, your brain is tries to trick you. Sometimes that means walking through Target or Buy Buy Baby and dreaming of creating a registry for your baby shower or shopping in the maternity section. Our brain just has to have some time to adjust.
So, there’s a lot of things happening in our brain that don’t make sense to us logically, that don’t mean you are doing anything wrong, and are completely out of our control. Our brain’s going to need to do what our brain’s going to need to do to adjust and adapt to this loss. It is not something that we can control when we notice ourselves yearning for motherhood, when we notice ourselves having illogical thoughts, going back through the past and thinking, well, if only I had done this or if only I had done that, it would have prevented it, counterfactual thinking.
I should probably do a whole episode on that. These are things that just happen as a part of grief. Now, we can notice that they’re happening and we can change our brain in terms of what we ask it to do for us in the future once we notice. But what we can actually control is what happens without our conscious choosing in our brain or in our body. There’s so many things happening hormonally, even though we aren’t doing medicated cycles anymore.
But whatever’s going on in your body, in your brain due to grief is not controllable.
What is also not controllable is how other people have responded to in your life and how they are treating you. That is not controllable.
Episode 8 & 44
We can’t control other people’s responses. We can’t control other people’s thoughts about what’s happened, we can’t control other people, the things that they say or do - none of that is within our ability to control. We will also notice that we want to control how other people respond to decisions that we’re making now that we are moving forward with a life without children, but we can’t control that either. We can’t control how other people respond to the choices that we make.
We’re going to make decisions, they’re going to respond in the ways that they do because of their unique perspectives on life, their thoughts, their feelings, none of that is within our ability to control.
As much as we like to tell ourselves we could have tried to get pregnant sooner or we shouldn’t have been 12 minutes late for our trigger shot, we can’t control that we are infertile, anything that’s happened in the past is not controllable, but notice how often we are still trying to go back there and control it. So, we can’t control any of those things.
We can’t control the weather, we can’t control what’s happening on the news. We can’t control anything that’s in the past. There’s so much that we can’t control. We can’t even control the thoughts that pop up in our minds, we can’t control that. Thoughts just pop up. We don’t really have any ability to choose what our subconscious mind is doing and what thoughts pop up. But what is controllable is how we respond to all of those things. What is controllable is how we choose to respond to what’s happening to our brain because of grief.
How we choose to respond to our own infertility fog
How we speak to ourselves about all of this?
How do we choose to respond to other people who don’t like our decisions or who have things to say about our grief? That is controllable.
But I want you to imagine if you’re giving your time and energy to thinking about and wishing that you could control or change something that’s in the past. Or something that has to do with someone else, or something that’s happening in your brain or your body that really isn’t within your ability to control.
When you spend all this energy toward something that offers you no different outcome, it never will give you a baby, a diagnosis or FERTILE or the life you thought you were destined to have, how much less energy you have to focus on areas of life where you actually can move the needle. And that’s what I want you to start thinking about. So, I’ll just give you an example.
So, I was coaching someone that is doing the Belief Reinvention with me and she was beating herself up about not working out last week as many times as she’d planned, which is a prime example of focusing on something we can’t control.
How many people can relate to that? You not working out last week is over. Continuing to spend your time focused on decisions you already made and then talking down to yourself makes you less able to make good decisions now and in the future. You become less enticed to set goals for yourself because you know you will make yourself feel like ass if you don’t meet them. You don’t have to listen to your inner critic who tells that you that fertility meds ruined your body and you’ll never have a body you like again
So, here’s the problem. Most often we just forget this. We don’t even realize that we’re focusing on what we can’t control. And so, we have to be able to bring ourselves that kind of awareness.
Ask yourself, what can I do that could move the needle in places that I care about? So that’s what we’re doing here. I’m not saying stop caring about the things you care about, not at all. I’m saying, what can you do to influence the things and areas of life that you care about?
That’s where we want to focus our time because otherwise our brain will likely want to worry about, dwell on, rage against, otherwise spend energy on things that simply aren’t within our control. And it will feel productive in the moment. But if you step back long enough you will see it’s not actually helping you spend energy in ways that move the needle and help you make traction on things that you care about.
Your assignment this week:
When you do your paper thinking, ask what can I control today?
What can I do today to move the needle in the direction I want to see it move?
Where is my brain likely going to get stuck in a loop worrying about, dwelling on, fretting about things that I simply can’t do anything about? Is it
going to get me caught in a loop about how it’s not fair I can’t be a mom and that your body didn’t do when it was supposed to? How you should have done things different in the past? That you let your partner down?
What patterns are brain is going to hyperfocus on what it doesn’t like and the aspects of what it doesn’t like that I can’t control?
Where do you want to be ready to question my brain?
What do you want to remind your brain that it can’t control?
Because it definitely can’t control that you aren’t a mom. It definitely can’t control anything from the past.
But it can choose what it wants to think.
You can choose your beliefs about you and the thoughts you have about not being a mom.
You can choose to response to your inner critic. You can choose how you want to feel and beliefs you have about the amazing you that you see in the mirror.
You can choose how you want to act and how to spend your time. YOu decide how to spend your money. I decide the kind of wife you want to be.
You can even decide how kind youre going to be to yourseld.
You have so much more power than you’re thinking, period.
You don’t need more power, you just need to get better about knowing the difference between what you can control and what you can’t and pivoting accordingly.
And when you do that and you spend more energy on things you can control you will have more energy to spend on things you can control because you won’t be wasting so much of it on things that don’t move the needle for you. Alright, that’s what I have for you this week. I hope that helps you. You’re so much more powerful than you think.
Yes, I am talking to you. This is not like there are certain special snowflakes listening to this podcast who are more powerful than they think.
All of you listening to this podcast are so much more powerful than you think. You have everything you need inside of you to create the life that you want. You just have to believe it. You have to see it. And there might be some junk in the way. And if there’s some junk in the way and you want my help, that’s what I do. And I would love to help you with that. But promise you, you do not need to control what has happened in your past.
You do not need to control other people. You do not need to control things that aren’t yours to control to still genuinely enjoy your time on the planet even though you aren’t a mom
I am so appreciative for the reviews that have been coming in on the podcast.
I got one this week, and I wanted to share it with you.
Listening has helped me view my life as child free instead of childless, shifting, my mindset helped me so much.
Asyou know, I have a goal of 10,000 downloads of the podcast by September of this year. The more ratings and reviews I get, the more likely it's going to be that people will come across the podcast when they're searching for
ways to cope with their life after infertility,
ways to love their life if they can't become moms.
I so appreciate you taking the time to give me a review, and a rating of the podcast. If you do one, please screenshot it and send it to me and I will send you a Starbucks virtual gift card as a thank you for helping me in my mission of 10,000 downloads.
This week's topic is going to be super juicy. I want to tell you a little bit about how it came to be this week. I was recently interviewed on @infertilityandme podcast. I was a guest on this podcast, we had a really good interview. One of the things that came up was talking about adoption. And the decision that my husband and I made not to adopt. I got a lot of messages from listeners thanking me for talking about it. It’s a tough topic to talk about publicly, it leaves me vulnerable to people's judgments on whether I they believe I should have adopted or I could have adopted or if I was a better person. If I adopted, I decided that putting myself out there and sharing my opinion is so worth it because I fully believe that I made the decision that was right for me and my husband and I made the decision that was right for us as a couple. It's clearly something that haunts a lot of people after you've gone through multiple rounds of IVF and always dreamed of being a mom. Aot of people have been struggling with judging themselves for choosing not to adopt. A lot of my students and Me included carried shame for not adopting. That's probably why, it becomes very gut wrenching and very infuriating when someone offers you the words “you can always adopt”. That is really a trigger for many people. Many of us have a pain point about those words. And we spend a lot of time being offended by people saying that to us.
Why it is we might carry resentment for people saying that?
People choose not to adopt, because of unknowns on the history of the family of origin
- poor prenatal care
- judgment that they'll have from others,
- child may grow up feeling unwanted.
- how you’ll explain to a child that they were given up for adoption.
- worry they would never be able to let the child know how much they were truly loved.
- no guarantee that you'll actually be able to take a child home
- don’t have the bandwidth to go through that emotional turmoil of not knowing what would happen and trying something and it not turning out the way that you thought.
- financial constraints after IVF
Its hard to admit that adaption isn't the right choice for you- it's easy to believe that others are or others will, or others should have the ability to judge you for that decision you make.
You do not have to feel judged for making this decision for yourself. You don't need to apologize for your decision. And you are not selfish for choosing not to adapt. Many of my students have talked long and hard about feeling like they believe others view them as not wanting to have been a parent bad enough because they did not adopt.
We can just drop that right here. You can have tried so hard and have gone through IVF or have done IUI is all the things that you did to become a mom, just because you did not choose to adapt does not mean that you did not try hard enough and you did not want bad enough, you did everything you were capable of doing to become a mom, even if you chose not to adopt.
People may think that you could have done more to become a mom, but it's your choice to believe that you did all that you are capable of to become a mom and wanting a child that is biologically yours is not selfish. And we have choices. We had the choice of a donor egg. We had the choice of IVF, we had the choice to do IUI, we had the choice for adoption, these are all options, and they are not expectations. And it doesn't mean that you made the wrong decision. If you find yourself wondering what it would be like now if you would have adapted. It's just human nature, and you're not alone and you're not a bad person. And you did want to be a mom just as bad as the person that did adapt. Because you chose not to, does not mean that you were not a good person and that you're selfish and that you're responsible for children, not having a home to go to that are up for adoption.
Listen to this episode and know that you are loved and you are heard, and you are not alone because this is something that I talk so often about my story to my students, they really come to me feeling that they are not entitled to their grief. And they truly have decided that when people offer them words about adaption or questioning why they did not adapt, that they are a bad person, and I want you to know you are a perfectly hole, a perfectly good person, you did try hard enough and you are entitled to feel proud of the road that you went on. When it came to a fork, if you decided to stop at this part of your journey and you did not do an egg donor and you did not adopt, you are loved by more people than you'll ever know.
I am so proud of you that you made a decision and you stuck to it. Because you knew what you had available to you emotionally, physically, financially. And that is all you need to know. So I love you. I'm proud of you and know that you chose not to adapt and that is okay. Have an awesome week. And remember it is never too late to discover your meaning.
This week we talk about being selfish. A word we think is bad. We spend so much of our life doing for others in the hope we will please them and we forget to ask ourselves why we do things that we genuinely want to do.
Women with infertility get invited to baby showers. Even though it may be painful because we failed multiple rounds of IVF and will never have a baby, we go to the baby shower. We are miserable and feeling terrible the whole time. All because we didn't want to put our needs first and decline the invitation for fear of disappointing the mom to be.
Listen in this week and decide that you can do things for others and love your reasons why you chose to do them. You can also choose not to do something and love your reasons why doing for yourself is more important than doing for others.
I am back from an amazing weekend in Colorado. As you know, I have been doing a deep dive into reinvention. The belief reinvention experience has been so transformative, so many of you have reached out and really decided that you were ready to take control over what you're believing about yourself and believing about your body, believing about what you're capable of, because you couldn't have children. I love all the work that we're doing together.
And I love hearing how many of you that have gone through the pilot program have already started to make such transformations in your life. That's really what it's all about.
I would be remiss if I did not talk about the overturn of Roe v. Wade, this has been a very heavy topic for those of us that have gone through fertility treatments, have banked some embryos and are deciding what you want to do with those embryos, or maybe you're listening to this podcast and you have yet to even begin your infertility treatments and know that. I will do my best to be a voice. I talked about this a couple weeks ago on a live that I did on Instagram.
You matter,
your story matters, and
your reproductive rights matter.
Becoming a mom is really based on a lot of things related to science. And there's nothing wrong with you for needing that accommodation and that we need to have those rights available to us as women within infertility.
As we get started on today's topic, I think you all know that I was in Colorado this past weekend and just had such a transformative quarter. This last quarter I've been working on a deep dive course chosen on purpose to be successful, chosen on purpose, to be a leader. Somebody who really has been transformative in the way that we can redefine ourselves and redefine our lives. At this meeting in Colorado, I had the ability to hone in on a belief that I've been carrying around for myself, and I actually got coached on it.
So yes, we coaches actually do get coached. I work with someone every week, but the ability to get coached in person with Brooke was. Super transformative. And I wanna share that with you today on the podcast. So we all have these thoughts. That sound really true to us. We know that when we say them, they might not trigger us.
Some do trigger us and if you've gotten good at noticing your thoughts, you may think that you have your thoughts and beliefs about yourself under control. And what I learned this weekend is that I was carrying around. A belief that really what had me feeling stuck. And I thought it was a very neutral belief.
I thought I was stating the facts when I would say that my body didn't do what it was designed to do. And when I got coached on it and started to think about those words and how to me, they sounded very neutral coming from somebody who once believed that my body failed me. When I once believed that my body was broken.
Telling myself that my body didn't do what it was supposed to do or what it was designed to do sounded very neutral. And it sounded like I had taken the temperature down on that thought. What I came to realize is that I was preventing myself from deciding what it is that my body was designed to do.
If it wasn't designed to become a mom, am I just gonna stop there and take that as the truth?
So if my body isn't designed to be a mom, what is it actually designed to do?
I decided that I am not willing to accept that belief about me anymore.
I'm coming to you this week asking you, what do you currently believe about yourself, about your life or about your body?
Here's some of the common ones that I have acquired from my years of infertility and from some of my students that
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my body is broken.
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If I can't be a mom, I have no purpose.
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I don't relate to friends with kids.
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I'm the worst case scenario.
So if you heard some of those and you're thinking that sounds right, I believe that you are not alone.
There's nothing wrong with you that you feel that way or believe that way.
What are some of the other beliefs that you're caring about yourself and about you have you thought about them in a while? Have you decided that you want to put them on paper and start to gain some more emotional freedom in your life?
I'm gonna give you an exercise for this week. I want you to think about you not being able to have children and write down all of the thoughts and the beliefs that you have accumulated about yourself. This is an exercise that you're going to think you'll be done in two or three minutes, and you're going to sit there and it's going to really like beliefs are going to come out super quickly. Even if you sit there quiet and in silence, add a timer to your phone for five more minutes and just sit there and really start to dig. What are some of the little gnawing things that come up when you question yourself or when you wanna try something different and you talk yourself out of it, what are the things that you are thinking or believing that are keeping you cocooned in these feelings about yourself and about your life. There's nothing wrong if you look at this list and think
I should not do this”,
I should be past this, or
I should know better than this.
There's nothing wrong with you, but as long as you sit there and judge yourself for the thoughts that you're having, it's gonna be really impossible for you to move past them.
That's exactly why I'm here to help you. Once you get your list done, start to take maybe one or two at a time, let's start with just one and start to punch holes in that sentence. Imagine that you were helping a friend and they came to you. And they said, I believe that my body did not do what it was designed to do and you were the only person in the whole world that could help them, tell me what you would help to point out to them about themself that would
show them that that is not the only thing that they need to focus on in their life.
That is not the only thing that defines their success.
That is not the only thing that makes them worthwhile in this world.
And that it certainly is not the thing that is going to prevent them from being the best version that they can be.
As long as we're believing this story has an end and has a period at the end of it, we are never going to go and search for what we were designed to do what we were created to do.
At this age, we have so many more years to live, and if we just give up here and shrug our shoulders and you just tell yourself, “well, I wanted to be a mom and I couldn't” and just shrug your shoulders and say, “oh, well, this is what the rest of my life is gonna be like”. As long as you tell yourself. It's okay to stop here, you are gonna stop there
It may seem confusing and it may seem like you just really don't know what it is you're designed to do, but you have a purpose and you have a master plan that is waiting for you to discover it. And that is exactly why I'm here
I want you to decide today that your body did exactly what it was designed to do.
Your body is just waiting for you to tell it what you want it to do so that it can show you what it is capable of.
Your body includes your brain. As magnificent as our brain is, it is also so used to working in repetition. When it's been working for so long, believing the same thoughts over and over, and then you all of a sudden give it something to start thinking that is different and puts your brain outside of its repetitive way of acting and doing it might freak out for a while.
After you continue to practice something, it will just become a pattern for your brain.
So just like it had a pattern of believing that your body didn't do what it was designed to do, it can start to learn a new way of thinking and believing about you and about your future.
Some magnificent work came to me this past weekend, and I'm so glad to share it here with you.
I want to encourage you that this work is open to you. If you're feeling like you're the person who just maybe doesn't have what it takes, or you're not one of these people that truly would ever see success or see change in your life because of thought work.
Hear me when I say you are. If it worked for me, it'll absolutely work for you.
Please remember to rate and review the podcast. I am so appreciative of the fact that all of you are helping me reach my goal of 10,000 downloads by the early part of September. The more you rate and review, the more likely someone will come across this podcast and start to learn how to believe differently about their life and their future as a woman, without children.
Thanks for joining us again on the, so now what podcast, first off wanna tell you, thank you to everyone who gave me a rating and review of the podcast. As you know, I am repeating every week that I have a goal of 10,000 downloads of the podcast. By labor day of this year. So if you've listened to an episode and it has spoken to you, if you've taken just a glimmer of a new Pearl or a new thought or a new belief that you've started to work on in your life, I invite you to please go on. And give me a rating and review of the podcast so that I could meet my goal of 10,000 downloads and help more women like us learn to love their life, even if they're not gonna be moms.
So the more ratings and reviews we get, the more, the good old algorithm works to route people to the podcast and help them start their journey to healing and to loving again. Last week we started talking about the manual. So, you know, I always love to get feedback on what's making sense for you. What maybe needs a little bit more hashing out.
And I am not surprised that we need to do some more hashing out about what it is to have a manual for someone cuz as I mentioned in last week's episode, This was really a game changer for me, but something that took me a bit of understanding and a bit of practicing in my own life with relationships I had with others to see how much control I really own in the way that I feel every day and the control that I have to make the words of others.
Affect me or not affect me. And that doesn't mean that I don't get rattled by things that people say or that I don't stop and take pause and allow words of others to make me feel less than, or make me feel like I haven't tried enough or I'm not good enough. I just know that I have the ability to, to decide how long do I want to believe that somebody's story can truly define me.
So this is work that I continue to do on myself. But now that I understand what a manual is and the fact that I always have the power to bring somebody's words into me or not bring them into me, that's where the game changer part of the manual really lies. So I'm gonna go through today. And as I mentioned in last week's episode, I'm gonna dive a little bit deeper.
So we talked last week about how other people's behaviors don't have to make you suffer. So words that people say, questions that people may ask of us. The advice people love to give us because we don't have kids. And they think that they might have thought of something that we haven't thought of when somebody offers you their words.
They don't have to make you suffer, but at this point in the game, they might bother you and they might make you question yourself and might make you feel really defensive of yourself. And there's nothing wrong with you. If you're feeling defensive, when someone says something to you, but what I want you to understand that you being upset by somebody who shares their feelings or their thoughts with you.
they do not have the control to make you feel any way other than how you want to feel. And we were raised to believe like if we did something, we would hurt Joey's feelings, or if you don't do this, you'll really hurt mommy's feelings. We have been ingrained to believe that our actions. Or the things that we do or don't do can really affect others.
So let's think about how that's been ingrained in us as people, that things that we do, we might wanna shy away from doing something, cuz God forbid we don't wanna hurt someone's feelings or we don't wanna offend somebody, but how many times. have you been in a situation where you said something and somebody was really upset with you or thought you were a total jerk for doing something or saying something and you had zero intention of it coming out that way, or you had the best of intentions for somebody and things just blew up in your face now.
Really want you to ask yourself, why did that happen? You know, that you did not mean for somebody to be hurt by your words or hurt by your actions, but they were. So then you find yourself being like, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I mean, we all probably have friendships and things that have happened between other people that maybe have broken a bond or severed a relationship or changed a relationship with somebody simply because words that you might have said to somebody.
They were not interpreted the way that you meant them. So imagine that burden that we carry around as people that we are constantly concerned or worried that what we might say might affect people in a way that we don't want them to be affected. When we understand that we have the ability. For ourselves, not for your friend, not for the person on the other side of things who doesn't listen to this podcast and maybe has never heard of the manual, but if you can start with yourself as the first person who's been exposed to this, and you understand that you have the ability regardless, Of what someone says, or if it came out a way that they didn't mean, or if they're just an asshole and just wanted to be a jerk to you that day.
Imagine if you could continue on with your day and you did not have to feel overcome with feelings of disappoint, disappointment, feelings of regret, feelings of missing out feelings of. Yearning to have a life other than the life that you're currently living. And if you are walking around and allowing yourself to be affected by words of other people, you're constantly gonna be in this valley of emotions and only allowing yourself to feel the way that you truly want to feel.
If people are saying things that don't affect you. So hear me clearly, when I tell you that you are not gonna just flip a switch and never as a human be affected by what people say or do you are just going to learn how to understand that it is up to you to decide how you want other people to affect you and how you want other people to get into your brain and get into your chamber of your soul.
Drive how you're feeling and showing up for you each day. Because when we give that authority a way to other people, we'll never be able to fully embrace life as we want it to be for us. So the story that I'm sharing with you is the story of how I came to understand that my manual I had for other people.
was constantly being disrespected in my mind. It was constantly not being followed. I started to see that I was having a lot of dissatisfaction with my relationships with other people, because I wanted them to behave in a certain way. And I was very detailed and very precise about how I wanted others to react to me.
when I had this book of rules and expectations for what's normal, what's kind and what are acceptable behaviors for somebody who's going through infertility treatments or somebody who's questioning their life and questioning their future and people in my life and strangers came around and weren't following that manual.
I gave away so much of my. Desired feelings and peace and serenity that I was just wishing that I could feel for so long after finishing my infertility treatments. So as long as I give that away and allowed how other people reacted to me or towards me, I was just always gonna be beholden to them. to act a certain way, so I could feel a certain way.
And that's really how you know that you are having a manual for somebody that if they do X, then you can feel Y. if you find yourself in situations where you're like, I just wish Monica knew that I do not want to go to her baby shower. And when Monica sends me an invitation, she is being disrespectful of me or being assumptive of me that I'm okay.
Enough to go to her baby shower. So all of a sudden we've made Monica this bad person because we have not communicated with Monica and said, Monica, I would so love to come to your baby shower, but I'm just not there. Or Monica. Thank you so much for thinking to invite me. I'm just not sure that I can really muster up the energy to come to the baby shower.
So instead we create this story about what an awful person or assumptive person or not a good friend Monica is because she sent us a baby shower invitation. So as you're learning more about the manual, please hear me. When I say the manual. is not something that is gonna take the place for you setting boundaries in your life.
And for other people, that's a totally different thing that we can cover off on another episode, but the manual is more so when you have expectations for how other people should treat you. Words people should say to you, actions they should take. You oftentimes have not even communicated your expectations of other people.
But that said, even if you've communicated expectations, knowing that people do not have enough power. To supersede what it is that you want to feel in your heart and for yourself and the feelings that you want to walk around with every single day. So when you understand that you have the ability to feel how you want to feel based on what you are, allowing yourself to.
the world is just gonna open up to you and you will feel so much more self confident. You will put yourself out there and you will see yourself. I know for me, I saw myself inserting me in. in opportunities that I never felt I would ever feel comfortable being around or being put in, because I knew that regardless of what someone said or someone did, I had no expectations of other people.
The only expectations I had were for myself. and I knew that if I could show up every day, having the confidence that I could be, who I wanted to be, and that I chose the feelings that I wanted to feel, then I could show up most, anywhere and not to have to go home and sob in my pillow. So if you're finding this to be of interest to you, and I truly hope you do, because it is really the greatest way that you can liberate yourself from being captive by what other people say and do to you.
I'm gonna give you a couple exercises that you can. Work on this week when you're doing your paper thinking. So I'd love for you when you're doing your paper, thinking to start to write some thoughts that you have about yourself and then thoughts about other people in your life and just let it flow.
And. I want you to take one person that you want to focus on for the week. Now think about your relationship with this person. It could be somebody that you have in your mind, a great relationship with, or somebody that maybe you are trying to do some work on in your relationship. And I want you to write your manual for them.
I want you to write down everything that you expect of them, things that you want them to show up, doing words that you would like to hear them say, Do not hold back. Just write down everything that you have in your mind about how you want this person to act towards you, specifically towards you. And then we are gonna go through and decide.
are these, some of these things worth sharing with that person? Are you willing to sit down with this person and say, Hey, listen, I would really like to strengthen our relationship. And these are some of the things that I would find mutually beneficial for us to grow our relationship on because as we discussed, oftentimes we have a manual for how we want people to operate yet.
We never show them or tell them. What we have expectations of for our relationship or our friendship with one another. So, thanks again for all the feedback. If you're questioning how this is even possible or questioning how you can start to implement the understanding of how manuals work and where they show up in your life, reach out to me because the more I understand what you're needing.
And more clarification I can offer the more value you're gonna get out of the time that we spent together and this, the exercises that I offer you here on the, so now what podcast? So have an awesome week and remember it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
I am just wrapping up a week of being a solo dog mom.
My husband has been away for 10 days on a “boy's trip'' in Greece. So many people are amazed that my hubby would go out of town and I’m OK with it.
REALLY!?!
I've loved my alone time and the opportunity to hone in on some coaching concepts I've been working on in my own life, and preparing lessons for my students in The Belief Reinvention Experience.
That said, I really miss him and I feel super grateful I am in a marriage with somebody that I miss.. I love that we can feel sadness leaving each other, but are able to function and trust in each other and trust in our marriage to explore life independently and see the importance of growth beyond just our bond with one another.
I think it's so important that he has bonds with his friends and has a life outside of our marriage and finds independent ways to enjoy his time. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that I missed my husband these last 10 days.
I have been preparing for a while for this podcast, because we are going to be talking about something that will change your perspective. You might be a bit resistant to it in the beginning, because it will challenge you to question the way that you've been in relationships with yourself and with others.
There's nothing wrong with you if you get a little bit prickly when you're listening to these upcoming episodes, because it is something I was unsure I understood fully in the beginning. When I learned about “The Manual'', and understood how it was holding me back, I saw how restricted I was from truly being the best version of who I wanted to be in my life.
When it comes to being a human, we are very expectant of our lives working according to an instruction manual that we've compiled somewhere back in our mind. So maybe your instruction manual includes:
getting married,
making $100,000 at your job,
having a child
being surrounded by people that support you
being happy and laughing all the time.
Many of us believe that we would be happier if someone or something in our lives would change, and this is a huge cause of our suffering because we are handing over the power of how we feel to somebody else. One of the most powerful things that I can teach you is that this just is not true. Never is it possible that you are suffering because of what somebody else is doing to you. Other people's behavior has no impact on us emotionally, until we think about it, interpret it, and choose to make it mean something.
So no matter what people do, how they act, what they say, we don't have to give others the power to determine how we feel. The concept of having an instruction manual for others is absolutely mind altering. It might be jarring for you. Iit makes sense because you have lived your whole life giving your power away and it may be difficult to realize that you have been doing this voluntarily and unnecessarily.
Many believe that people should
- be kind and understand when you're frustrated
- listen to you as long as you've listened to them
- know the exact right thing to ask you before you go through your next cycle or now that you've concluded your fertility treatments
- know that you're going to live the rest of your life without children.
We have expectations of people to know the exact “right” or “wrong” thing to say.
As long as you believe somebody has read the instruction manual of how to treat you, and be an effective part of your life, you are going to continuously be disappointed by others.
I can teach you how to live your life according to your goals and expectations of yourself and diminish how other people's being an existence impacts your life in ways that cause you unnecessary pain and sadness.
In these next few episodes I’ll show you examples of how you can become more aware of where instruction manual exists in
- your relationships
- your friendships
- your workplace
- your relationship and
- with yourself.
This is some of the most important work that you will do for yourself.
I teach you how to understand the intricacies of manuals that we carry for others so you can seek emotional freedom to focus on creating and living a life that you truly love, even if you're not a mom.
Sidenote: I have a goal of 10,000 downloads of The “So Now What? Podcast” by Labor Day. My goal of hitting 10,000 downloads is not for my own ego, it is to help other women find the podcast and to help them start to understand HOW to love their life if they're not going to be a mom. The best way we can get that accomplished is if you go on and review the podcast; on Apple, Spotify, wherever it is that you're listening to this podcast.
Please take a few minutes to rate the podcast and give your review of the podcast and share how it has allowed you to think differently about living your life without children. Giving a review will help other women find this podcast and YOU can help me reach my goal of 10,000 downloads by Labor Day of 2022.
I am just wrapping up a week of being a solo dog mom.
My husband has been away for 10 days on a “boy's trip'' in Greece. So many people are amazed that my hubby would go out of town and I’m OK with it.
REALLY!?!
I've loved my alone time and the opportunity to hone in on some coaching concepts I've been working on in my own life, and preparing lessons for my students in The Belief Reinvention Experience.
That said, I really miss him and I feel super grateful I am in a marriage with somebody that I miss.. I love that we can feel sadness leaving each other, but are able to function and trust in each other and trust in our marriage to explore life independently and see the importance of growth beyond just our bond with one another.
I think it's so important that he has bonds with his friends and has a life outside of our marriage and finds independent ways to enjoy his time. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that I missed my husband these last 10 days.
I have been preparing for a while for this podcast, because we are going to be talking about something that will change your perspective. You might be a bit resistant to it in the beginning, because it will challenge you to question the way that you've been in relationships with yourself and with others.
There's nothing wrong with you if you get a little bit prickly when you're listening to these upcoming episodes, because it is something I was unsure I understood fully in the beginning. When I learned about “The Manual'', and understood how it was holding me back, I saw how restricted I was from truly being the best version of who I wanted to be in my life.
When it comes to being a human, we are very expectant of our lives working according to an instruction manual that we've compiled somewhere back in our mind. So maybe your instruction manual includes:
getting married,
making $100,000 at your job,
having a child
being surrounded by people that support you
being happy and laughing all the time.
Many of us believe that we would be happier if someone or something in our lives would change, and this is a huge cause of our suffering because we are handing over the power of how we feel to somebody else. One of the most powerful things that I can teach you is that this just is not true. Never is it possible that you are suffering because of what somebody else is doing to you. Other people's behavior has no impact on us emotionally, until we think about it, interpret it, and choose to make it mean something.
So no matter what people do, how they act, what they say, we don't have to give others the power to determine how we feel. The concept of having an instruction manual for others is absolutely mind altering. It might be jarring for you. Iit makes sense because you have lived your whole life giving your power away and it may be difficult to realize that you have been doing this voluntarily and unnecessarily.
Many believe that people should
- be kind and understand when you're frustrated
- listen to you as long as you've listened to them
- know the exact right thing to ask you before you go through your next cycle or now that you've concluded your fertility treatments
- know that you're going to live the rest of your life without children.
We have expectations of people to know the exact “right” or “wrong” thing to say.
As long as you believe somebody has read the instruction manual of how to treat you, and be an effective part of your life, you are going to continuously be disappointed by others.
I can teach you how to live your life according to your goals and expectations of yourself and diminish how other people's being an existence impacts your life in ways that cause you unnecessary pain and sadness.
In these next few episodes I’ll show you examples of how you can become more aware of where instruction manual exists in
- your relationships
- your friendships
- your workplace
- your relationship and
- with yourself.
This is some of the most important work that you will do for yourself.
I teach you how to understand the intricacies of manuals that we carry for others so you can seek emotional freedom to focus on creating and living a life that you truly love, even if you're not a mom.
Sidenote: I have a goal of 10,000 downloads of The “So Now What? Podcast” by Labor Day. My goal of hitting 10,000 downloads is not for my own ego, it is to help other women find the podcast and to help them start to understand HOW to love their life if they're not going to be a mom. The best way we can get that accomplished is if you go on and review the podcast; on Apple, Spotify, wherever it is that you're listening to this podcast.
Please take a few minutes to rate the podcast and give your review of the podcast and share how it has allowed you to think differently about living your life without children. Giving a review will help other women find this podcast and YOU can help me reach my goal of 10,000 downloads by Labor Day of 2022.
The Belief Reinvention Experience is in full pilot mode.
-
some students already made their way through the 4 weeks,
-
new students starting this week,
-some in the midst of it.
The feedback I'm getting is really, really favorable. So if it's something that you're on the fence about, DO IT!!
It’s $300 for four 1:1 sessions with me…it's the steal of the century. What investment could impact you more than one on your future and the ability to love your life without children??
Go to stitchcoaching.com/reinvention or click the link in my IG bio submit your application and we will be on our merry way to getting your summer to be the best it's been in years
This week is my 39th episode. How many other people out there hear the number 39 And think immediately about a full term pregnancy. In this time that I've been with you, I am so proud of the work I've done and the opportunity I've created for us to connect and come together and grow beyond a full term pregnancy because that's something that I never had, I never will never have. Through thePodcast, I've given birth to an opportunity to help myself and help so many of you out there with the struggles that we have about creating a life that we can truly love again, even if we're not going to be moms.
Know that I appreciate all of you who continue to come back every week and listen to a message that I'm offering to you. And for those of you that do the work and take part in the exercises that I offer you every week to see some growth in your life. Thank you for putting the effort into yourself, and for believing in me to be your guide during this process.
We are building this week's episode around part 2 of the 4Ns process. It a methodology my mentor, Corrine Crabtree teaches. Last week we talked about Notice and Normalize.
This week we will talk about Neutralize and Next best thought or action
When you have certain thoughts or beliefs, questions about yourself like:
-how to love our lives,
-how to love ourselves after believing our bodies and IVF have failed us
-we are less than as women, because we couldn't have children.
When you are able to neutralize those thoughts - taking things down a notch, maybe bringing the temperature down in your mind.
Coming up with thoughts and taking actions that are going to put you and propel you into a space that will allow you to love your life that will allow you to look at yourself in the mirror and love the woman that you see in that reflection.
If we believe that the only way we can love ourselves is if we were able to have children, we're never gonna get there if we don't do some of this work. When you're looking in the mirror and thinking of your next best thought it may be
-life will get better.
-I have a marriage that is wholesome and true.
-I have a partner that supports me,
-I have the ability to focus on myself and focus on my talents and do some soul searching to see what it is I'm truly made to provide for myself and to provide for this world.
Your next best thought or actions are really going to get you to the result you're looking for which is learning how to live your life again.
Listen in to get more valuable nuggets that you can start applying in your life today!
What it means to notice our thoughts or notice our beliefs.
Those who are part of the Belief Reinvention Experience know what it's like to go through and challenge yourself in notice some of the beliefs that you're currently having about your life.
You can believe differently about your life and future if you're not going to be a mom.
Why that is important? The beliefs you have about yourself are creating the feelings that you feel every day when you wake up. When you look in the mirror and you have feelings of disappointment, have feelings of loneliness, maybe have feelings of anxiousness or despair, those are commonly created because you are believing a certain way about your life believing a certain way about yourself, believing a certain way about what it's like to not have children. So when we believe a certain way, we feel certain feelings. Those feelings are going to be what propels us to take certain actions in our lives. And maybe sometimes it's inaction maybe we are preventing ourselves from taking action. Because we are feeling disappointment, or we're feeling loneliness or feeling regret. And then we are not achieving the results that we want to create in our lives. So when we start to notice the beliefs that we're having, that is going to be the first step in creating a life that we truly love, even if we're not moms. So I went through and wanted to share with you some of the common beliefs that women come to me when they're working on creating a life that they love in reinventing their beliefs. We start all off with noticing what are the things that we are telling ourselves about ourselves. So I'm going to share some of them with you today and let me know if you resonate with any of these.
I did something wrong.
I shouldn't have waited so long to try to have kids.
I disappointed my husband, my partner, my family,
I disappointed myself.
My body is a failure.
I'll always feel this emptiness because I'm not going to be a mom. My life is empty,
I'm going to die all alone in a nursing home,
I have nothing in common anymore with my friends that have children.
Okay, so those are some of the most common ones. If you are believing those things about your life, it doesn't have to be a problem. If you're not unhappy with the way that you're waking up feeling every day, then stick with those beliefs that you're having about yourself. You that you need to change something that isn't a problem in your life. But there's many of us that want to feel differently about our reality that we're not moms. And that is the community that I'm working with here in stitchcoaching. So if you're looking at yourself in the mirror, and wishing that your life was different, or you felt differently about your life, I can help you. This is just the process that you need to work through in order to learn how to love your life, even if you're not going to be a mom.
If you're somebody who can resonate with wanting to create a life that feels differently for you, when you wake up every morning, you are in the right place, I am just the person that can help you do that. I have helped so many of my students who've gone from this place of feeling loneliness, and believing that the only way they could ever have a life they love is if they were a mother. And as much as we wanted that it is no longer relevant and is no longer something that we can use as a gauge, for creating a life that we love. And for many, it's hard to let go of that desire that we always had to become moms. There's nothing wrong with letting go of it and deciding that you want to seek something else in your life. And if being a mom is something that you tried really hard for or wanted really badly, and it didn't come to you, you've done nothing wrong. And I am the first one to tell you that you can and you will create a life that you love, even if you're not a mom. So as we're working through noticing these beliefs that we have, we have the ability to judge ourselves and to think something's wrong with us tell ourselves that we're crazy people because we believe these awful things about ourselves, or we can have a lot of compassion for ourselves. And compassion is something that we often don't believe that we are deserving of. We believe that we deserve to offer compassion. into others. But when it comes to us, we would much rather judge ourselves and judge our thoughts and beliefs, then we would show love for ourselves and show gentleness and kindness for ourselves as we're navigating a new normal, and that new normal means that we are childless. And that takes me into the neutralization part of the four ends. So when you neutralize these emotions, you are just taking an inventory of what it is you've noticed, and neutralizing it by saying, of course, I
feel sadness. Of course, I feel disappointed, of course, I feel lost, because I went through seven rounds of IVF. And I couldn't become a mom. And it would be normal to be sad, because I tried so hard to achieve this goal of mine, which was motherhood and I couldn't do it. So when you normalize things, and quit judging yourself, for the way that you're thinking or the way that you're believing about yourself, you just allow yourself to have less restriction on what it is that you're noticing about yourself. Because it's just stuff that comes up, I would have a hard time believing that there's a lot of people out there that went through seven rounds of IVF that didn't have some sort of question about what their life would be like if they wouldn't be able to become a mom. I have a hard time believing that there's women out there that had multiple miscarriages that have a great excitement about their life after miscarrying a child. So there's all these things that are normal to feel. So when you normalize your thinking, you're just having compassion for yourself, and telling yourself of course, this feels like junk. Of course, this is confusing. And of course, this is scary. And the future does not seem excited, because I'm feeling and believing all of these things. It is normal. But that doesn't mean because it's normal right now that it has to be that way forever. When you're able to notice and normalize your beliefs, you'll be able to more freely identify them and recognize them because you won't be on a heightened alert, that there's something wrong with you for thinking and believing the way that you currently do about your life. You'll get to be at a point where it feels less scary to become curious with yourself and curious about your beliefs. Because you've trained yourself to just be a curious spectator in your life instead of a judgmental hawk that believes that everything that comes out of your mind or everything that you discover coming out of your beliefs, has to be scrutinized. So it's really some beautiful work that we can do. And it's really the foundation that you can create for yourself. As you're navigating this journey towards childlessness, I think I am the first one that can tell you that this stuff really works, the ability to notice your thoughts, and then normalize them, allows you to feel so much freer, I feel so much lighter in my life, I was telling Jack the other day that I just feel like I don't carry around this weight. Because for so long, I was judging myself and trying to be something for other people that I thought that they wanted me to be, which was, you know, strong, unaffected by my infertility, happy that I live this life without children. And yes, I'm happy. But I'm not necessarily happy that I couldn't have children. But I've realized that that is my new normal. I am a woman who does not have children. So I could either create a life that I love, or live past focused, believing that my life could only be great, or be abundant and be full if I was a mother. So when I got comfortable with noticing those feelings, and then telling myself that I was normal for having them, I allowed myself to really dig in a little bit deeper, because there wasn't this fear of self scrutiny that I was going to have. So get to work this week and deciding what it is that you believe about yourself and what it is that you believe about your life.
I'm still taking applications for my pilot for the belief reinvention experience. If that is something you want to get in on now is your time.
This is the deal of the century to work with me one on one for $300 For four sessions. It's just that's transformative work. So decide now do you want to be somebody who wakes up every day feeling the way that you felt this morning or do you want to be someone who takes control of your future and learns to love a life that you're living even if you're not a mom, because remember it is never too late to discover your meaning.
After multiple IUI and IVF cycles, my weight gain was prominent. Throughout my 7 year journey of medicated cycles, I packed on an extra 25lbs. When my fertility journey ended and I remained childless, my weight gain stuck around. Food became a comfort to me and I used it as a way to ease my sadness and fill time in my day when I was feeling lonely. When I looked in the mirror and saw a body that was broken and figured “why bother”. I gave up my fight for me, but knew I didn’t want to be fat for the rest of my childless life. I started and stopped Weight Watchers more times than I care to admit. Time after time, I’d lose the weight and gain it back again. Until I started pay closer attention to a woman who’s podcast I started listening to. She would talk about how to lose your weight for the last time. How to eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full. In this episode of The “So Now What?” Podcast, Lana is joined by her mentor; Life Coach and No BS Weightloss Founder Corinne Crabtree to discuss Corrine’s weight loss journey, No BS Weightloss, and answer the following questions:
How did Corinne lose 100lbs?
What inspired Corrinne to start No BS Weightloss?
How did No BS Weightloss help Lana in her weight loss journey?
Why is food used as an emotional buffer?
How do you challenge negative beliefs about yourself?
How to implement Corrine’s four Ns (Notice, Normalize, Neutralize, Next Best Thought or Action) method?
What is the “Future Self” strategy?
Lana Manikowski a Fertility Survivor. The end result left Lana asking...So now what? Fast forward to today. Lana’s beliefs about her life have changed. She made the decision to create meaning and purpose in her life even though Lana is not a mother by dedicating herself to guiding women struggling with life after IVF.
Corinne Crabtree Is a motivational speaker, weight loss coach, and podcaster. Corinne Crabtree lost 100lbs and has been inspiring, teaching, and coaching women to lose weight for over 10 years. Her mission is to teach every woman how to lose weight, for good, and feel as amazing as they deserve.
Episode Mentions:
Course: Belief Reinvention Experience
Course: No BS Weightloss
Podcast: Losing 100 Pounds with Corinne
Facebook: No BS Business Women
Facebook: Corinne Crabtree
Website: nobsbusinesswomen.com
Click here for more episodes of The So Now What? Podcast.
Hello, beautiful people. How is everyone this beautiful summer day, I am just coming off a weekend of celebrating a birthday. And if you are like me, there has been many years that I have dreaded my birthday, years of going through infertility treatments and looking at a date on the calendar and getting very triggered about all of the things that were coming up for me. Because birthdays can feel very overwhelming when you're childless. There's a ton of thoughts we experience and a ton of feelings that we have about another year around the sun. And I thought I would talk today about birthdays and give you an opportunity to think about some things that you haven't thought about before when it comes to celebrating a birthday. But before we do that, I want to tell you that feeling freaked out about your birthday coming up is not a problem. There's nothing wrong with you if you're feeling that way. And so let me get clear that just because I have evolved a lot in my journey does not mean that I do not have thoughts and beliefs about my life that are different than yours. I am just at a point in my journey, where I'm capable of judging whether those thoughts are the ones that I want near me whether the thoughts that are going to help propel me into the future that I am looking to create with my life. But let's talk first about what are some of the common things that come up for us around birthdays. When you're childless, and you've gone through multiple rounds of IVF cycles, you might think one more year of failed cycles, one less year that it will happen for me naturally, that I'll just all of a sudden be able to get pregnant without it even being medicated cycle. How about putting my life on hold for another year, I know you're missing out of raising kids with my friends.
These are all just really common things that people believe when it's time to pull out the birthday candles and have the birthday celebrations. And I spent the last several years of my life dreading my birthday. In general, I'm not a big birthday person, a quiet night out does me just fine. And this week's podcast, I would love to share some things that have taken the sting away just a little bit when it comes to celebrating my birthday. So the first thing that I'd like to offer you is just realize that birthdays are going to happen every year. And we can move forward with having a lot of anxiety about them, and judgment of ourselves for the things that we believe we've not accomplished yet. Or we can decide that we want to take control over how we want to feel. So if you're feeling defeated, you're feeling depleted, disappointed. You're not alone. So many of my students, including me, have spent years with so many feelings around their birthdays. And we just can decide that we want to start to normalize our thinking. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having these feelings or thinking thoughts that don't include balloons, champagne, a boatload of people singing You Happy Birthday. And I've had to thinking about my birthday and challenged myself to get in tune this year with how I wanted to approach things differently this year. So before I do that, I want to ask you why you think birthdays are celebrated. We just automatically have a first birthday and from there on out. It's just every year on a date on the calendar.
But have we ever stopped to ask what are we celebrating? What are we When we blow out the candles on a cake, why are we making a wish? So yes, a birthday does signify the day you came into the world.
Benefits include, for me free Starbucks, gathering a group of friends or family, getting some good presents, which I got several of this year. So those who are listening, especially my father in law, my parents, my sister, you guys totally spoiled me this year. And of course, my hubby who took me to see Moulin Rouge and got us great seats right on the ground level, it was awesome. Free desserts at a restaurant, another perk of having a birthday. But really, what does that mean about you? So I want you to think about what it means about you being born. We are all going to do this together. So I want you to pause, I want you to pull out a piece of paper or your journal. And I want you to do this, I want you to make a list of all the things that you have done since your last birthday, even if it's not your birthday. I don't care if your birthday was yesterday, and you've only had 12 hours into this new year of yours. I want you to list down all of the things that you have done and accomplished since your last birthday.
I'm going to tell you some of the things that showed up on my list.
- I started a podcast,
- we sold our house.
- I took action by creating a community with stitch coaching.
- I put together the first ever others Day brunch.
- I started journaling regularly.
- I definitely started to take control of my emotions and question my beliefs.
So these are just some of the things that I have to celebrate about me this year. And I think if you review the list of things that you come up with, they don't have to be earth shattering. Maybe you started working out two days a week, maybe you started journaling, maybe you started food planning. But there is so much that we are willing to give away when it comes to recognizing ourselves when a birthday comes along and let the feelings of disappointment and being childless and not having yet achieved a goal overshadow all of the things that we have accomplished. So the exercise does not stop there. Now the next thing I want you to do is go through and do some future self work. So we've talked about the future self before in previous episodes. And by the way, we are going to touch on it a bit more in the next few weeks episodes. Spoiler alert, it's going to be really good, I'm going to have actually my first guest ever come on the Sona what podcast and she is going to talk to you and blow your mind about how to do some work on your future self. So what I would like for you to do is go through and list what do you want to do less of this upcoming year? Do you want to do less scrolling on social media? Possibly you want to drink less, it can truly be anything, it doesn't mean that you have to eliminate this out of your life, it could just be that something you want to do less of. And then I want you to take a greater amount of time to think about what you want to do more of what do you want to take time regularly to recognize in your life? What do you want to take more time to accomplish when you wake up each day? Maybe it's setting an intention for the day, maybe it's creating a food plan for the day? What are some things that you want to do more of,
maybe you want to read more each day, maybe you want to take your dog for more walks and get more outdoor time. When you take time to do this exercise. You'll be able to really decide what it is you're celebrating about yourself, and what it is that you're going to create with your future. Because you're being intentional about it. When you take time to recognize what you've accomplished, you will have such a sense of pride for yourself. And yes, maybe you still aren't a mom and like me, maybe you'll never be a mom. But making a list like this shows you that it was not another year wasted that these last 365 days don't have to be full of feelings of defeat, that you did some amazing things despite not being a mom. And when you identify what you want to do more of and less of. That is a great way to set some goals for yourself. That Don't revolve around motherhood and maybe pick a few at a time just to focus on. And the stuff you want to do less of that is a good way to make room for the things that you want to consume more of your time with. And maybe it's something that you can start today, maybe you don't have to wait till your birthday comes around to do this list. Maybe it's something that you're going to implement monthly, maybe you want to implement it weekly. And just choose one or two of those things on your list of things you want to do more of. And maybe one thing that you want to do less of, and start working on that today. So let's decide now that despite not becoming a mom, we wake up each day putting so much out into the world, that we never even took time to recognize whether you have a birthday or not get started on this, if you have a friend who has a birthday coming up that you think could benefit from hearing this podcast, please send it to them. Because there is such a strength in recognizing who we are. But for some reason, we have this notion that recognizing the greatness we have within us is boastful or brag rudely. And it's not because no one needs to see your list, that list is for you to write down and start to work on yourself from that list. So thank you so much for all the birthday wishes. For me, it was a beautiful birthday, I had such a perfect birthday, I went into the eve of my birthday and had this time set aside for me where I just thought about all these things. And I had such a sense of gratitude this year about myself and my life, and what my future holds. And I know that that is waiting for you as well. And if you feel like you're having trouble getting there, do not forget that I have my belief reinvention experience the applications just opened. This is the deal of the century because I'm charging $300 for 4 x 1:1 sessions with me, where we are going to get to work on getting crystal clear about what your current beliefs are about your life, and how they're serving you today. So if that's something that's of interest to you, I want you to go to stitch coaching.com/reinvention. The link to the application is also in my link tree bio on Instagram, where you can just reach out and I will make sure that I send the application to you with just a couple questions, making sure that we're aligned on what it is that you want to accomplish.
If you're listening to this podcast and you have yet to give me a rating or review I am asking you to please do so. Because apparently the more ratings and reviews we get, the more it is filtered out to other people who might be searching for our community and searching for an opportunity to learn to love their life even if they're not a mom. So if you do that I would be so appreciative. Have an awesome week and remember it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.
Hello, beautiful people, I am coming to you with the hugest smile on my face. Because we just got done celebrating our first annual Other's Day brunch in Chicago. It was such a magnificent experience. And I wanted to talk a little bit with you about the importance and the need, we each have for community. So if you've been listening to the Sonos podcast for a while, you might know my story about the fact that I went through several years of infertility treatments. And when I found out that I couldn't have a child. And we decided that adoption was not the right decision for us, nor was an egg donor. I sat alone in almost this cocoon, trying to protect myself from the outside world, because I felt like no one would ever understand all of the sadness, of the self judgment, all of the indecision I was going through. Because I chose, I felt that I chose this sadness for myself, because I did not explore the other options or pursue other options that were available to me to become a mom when I couldn't become a mom biologically. So I was doing a little study this afternoon about some statistics about the need we have as humans for a connection. And there was a US health insurer that found that 61% of people that were surveyed experienced loneliness. And this was a report that came out in 2020. So since 2018, there's been nearly a 13% rise in loneliness from when the survey was conducted. And reasons for feeling lonely, included not enough social support, too few meaningful social interactions, poor physical and mental health, and not enough balance in our lives. Really, it's interesting, because one of the things that the study shows is that feeling lonely does not necessarily correlate to being alone. So when I read this statistic, I really gravitated toward it because it talked about how feeling lonely can be described as a perceived isolation, that people can feel lonely, even where they're not objectively in isolation, I thought about how many of us go through that sense of loneliness. And even though we might physically be around people, and with people, whether it be friends, families, spouses, we feel lonely, because we are just feeling as though nobody could understand our story. So we're not sharing that story. For me, and I'm sure many of you feel the same way. You don't even want to share your story because you feel that no one would ever understand it or that people will feel sorry for you, people will have pity for you that people will look at you like the worst case scenario. We don't even really believe that there is actually people out there that are going through the same exact feelings that we are having. And that was the big impetus about why I decided to create this on our podcast was because I did not find a community and social media, thank goodness, you know, whether it's a good thing or a bad thing that's up for you to decide. But when it comes to finding a community, I am so much more aware now that there is people searching to find people that can understand the struggles they're going through people that have been through the same exact path that you have been through people that totally had those same feelings and thoughts about their journey and about their themselves about their bodies. People are actually out there that you can relate to. So I thought it was so interesting that this weekend at the other state brunch is it was basically an opportunity that I created for others to come forth and meet new friends, to not feel lonely and not feel isolation around Mother's Day. And it was basically open to anyone who is not yet him. Other, somebody who was possibly missing their mother or not able to be with their mom, this Mother's Day, somebody who didn't have a great relationship with their mom, and never had a mother figure in their life, or people like us that wanted to be moms and never could. And when we were at the other state brunch this Saturday, it was amazing how much feedback I got, when we had an opportunity to go through we did kind of this, I guess you'd call it maybe like an icebreaker, I called it a speed meet. If any of you have done speed dating in the past, it was kind of the same, we did this speed meet and everyone had three minutes to get to know their partner. And then before they had to move on to the next person, when the speed meet was over. And we were going through and talking about things. It was so interesting to see that so many people were there with different feelings of loneliness around Mother's Day, that just felt so great to have a community there and people that they actually connected with, they didn't have to explain why they felt loneliness or sadness around Mother's Day. They could just get to talking feel this sense of closeness and community with someone that they've never met before. So the underlying feedback that I got from the others Day brunch, was that so many people came up to me and said that they just needed this today. And it made me feel so good that I could go from somebody who felt such loneliness and darkness around a day on the calendar. Because let's remember, Mother's Day is simply a damn a calendar. It isn't even the same date every year. It just is a rotating date on the calendar that we allow ourselves to feel so much emptiness, loneliness, self judgment and defeat around. And the opportunity that we had to come together at the others Day brunch. And not even think about the fact that the next day was going to be Mother's Day,
we had some great friendships made. We had the best weather. We had awesome goodie bags, I had T shirts made for everyone. I had canvas tote bags made for everyone, I had local businesses that heard about the mission of the Mother's Day brunch that proactively wanted to donate, to have so many people feel great about themselves this year on Mother's Day. So my point is when it comes to having connection and needing connection, know that it is out there for you, you just might have to seek it. And I think about the people that showed up at the brunch this weekend, that knew nobody walking in this room and how much courage it took. And it was my goal that the minute everyone, each person walked in that room, they felt so welcome. And they felt so much warmth, not only from me, but the other women around them. And it was not even forced, I think because so many of us feel the same way and just felt so relieved to have this sense of community. So I want you to just think about where you can go for that community. If it's with me and stitch coaching, I would absolutely love that if it's looking to somebody else, you know, who may have gone through infertility treatments or doesn't have children know that they're probably wanting to share their journey with you or share their stories, or feelings of loneliness that they might be having. And you putting out that branch and reaching out your hand to them might just be the thing that they need to get on the other side of their defeat in the feelings of loneliness they're having about not having children. So I hope that next year you'll be able to join us for The Other’s Day brunch because it is definitely going to be something that I do again, because the feedback has been great. I created a meetup group called women living childless and child free. The people that came out for this event were so diverse, and I loved it because there were people from different races, different nationalities. And it was just so apparent to me, that being childless is something that is so universal. And I was just so proud of the community that I created. And not only that we had it in Chicago, I had one of my dear friends that I've met through the infertility to community Emily had something in Nashville with some of her friends so she was one of our Ambassadors in Nashville. And then I also had one of my longtime listeners of The So Now Wat? Podcast who lives in Puerto Rico, Idaliz had her own Mother's Day brunch. So she was one of our Ambassadors in Puerto Rico. And the feedback I got from both of them made me so proud that my desire to create connection is motivating others to do the same. So I want you to think this week about how you could either seek connection for yourself or how you could create connection with somebody else or for somebody else, you will see what a beautiful warmth and feeling you get in your body and within your mind knowing that you're not alone in your journey, and that no matter how far out you are from your infertility treatments sitting in this indecision, or sitting in this self judgment, how much more available it will be for you to heal, if you have somebody that you can relate to. So I would love to be that person for you. And that's what I show up every week doing for you. I have obviously so many resources every day, I try to post some sort of inspiration. As you probably have heard, I am starting The Belief Reinvention Experience, and that is going to be so absolutely fabulous. The applications open this week, it is only $300 you guys to work with me for four sessions, one on one. And we are going to start to create and understand the beliefs that we have about ourselves and create new beliefs that are going to get us even closer to living the life that we love. Please do some sort of work this week on how you can create connection for yourself and with others. I would love to hear about it. I would love for you to sign up for my belief reinvention experience, and start to really get your arms around living a life that you can truly love even if you're not a mom, so have an awesome week. Thanks for everybody's support with the others day put it on your calendar now for the Saturday before Mother's Day next year. I want everyone to come to Chicago and we are going to have a huge old party and have so much fun. And remember it is never too late to discover your meaning
Hello beautiful people with Mother's Day going on May 1 In the UK, and on May 8 here in the United States, there are a ton of emotions coming up for those of us in the infertility community. And I know for me that there is this jolt, I feel when I'm walking through a grocery store or through Target or, you know, driving down the street and seeing ads that pop up on billboards. And I feel this jolt in my body when I walked down the aisle, for example, in Target and I am getting close to the greeting card aisle. And you see advertisements for May 8 Being Mother's Day, a lot of restaurants are advertising, Mother's Day specials and reservations and things all geared towards Mother's Day. And I find it so interesting how a date that's made up on a calendar can cause so much animosity for us in so much loneliness. And so this week, I'd like to talk about how to handle and process these emotions that are coming up around Mother's Day. And I first want to start by saying there is nothing wrong with you for feeling sadness around Mother's Day, it is so common for my clients to tell me that they get embarrassed or that they feel silly that they're feeling depleted, or they're feeling envy. Or they're feeling sadness around this holiday. And I was coaching a client last week about this very topic. And she told me she was feeling very selfish about not looking forward to a Mother's Day celebration for her own mother. So I'm sure that's something that many of us can relate to. We have this awesome mom who's been such a support and such a pillar of strength in our lives. And we're judging ourselves for not feeling excitement and happiness about celebrating this day for them and with them. So my client was telling me that she felt super selfish that her own sadness would overshadow the love and gratitude that she feels in her heart for her own mother. So think about that. Do you relate to that? Because I totally get it. It's really conflicting. I mean, I love my mother dearly. I know she's listening.
So hi, mom, I love you.
I feel so grateful to have her in my life to celebrate. But there were some years, especially when I was in the midst of my infertility treatments, or just finishing up with my infertility treatments. And those few years that pass that I was just sitting in limbo, that I really had to pull myself together to even be present on that day. And to get myself to the card aisle and pick out a card and make plans and think of a gift because I was so judging myself in the fact that I felt I was a failure that I wasn't able to celebrate this day for me that I really had to muster up all this energy, basically create this dramatic experience for myself in order to celebrate my mom. So I just want to tell you that you should not be judging yourself. If you are feeling this way and thinking this way you are just not alone. You're not a bad person. You're not selfish for feeling sadness around a day that you dreamed of celebrating with your own children. So we can begin by just deciding that we are going to love ourselves and telling ourselves of course, Lana, this is going to be a sad day for you know, of course, feeling empty on a day that's called Mother's Day when you dreamed your whole life of being a mom and you're not of course it feels sad, and it makes sense. I'm feeling empty today. Because I think that we compound the emotion that we're feeling by thinking we're some sort of alien for having feelings other than rainbows and daisies on a day we call Mother's Day. So I want to ask you, what are you making it mean about you that You aren't a mom. And I really want you to think long and hard about this. What are you making it mean about you? That may 8, the United States calendar is not celebrating you? Are you making it mean? That this one day in 365, you're not worth celebrating? Are you telling yourself that your efforts were not good enough at becoming a mom, I really want you to sit here and even pause right now and start to think about what it is you're making it mean that you are not celebrating Mother's Day. Maybe you're feeling some feelings of resentment. And maybe you're feeling resentful that your best friend has breakfast in bed that's going to be made for her as she wakes up in her kids bring her French toast and some eggs. Maybe it means that you feel resentment that your sister gets to go to a full day at a spa, to celebrate Mother's Day, and you don't, what is it that you're feeling resentful about? And again, not judging yourself, just start to identify what it is that it's bringing these feelings up for you. And maybe we're feeling resentful that our best friend's got pregnant so easily. And it has to be so hard for us. Maybe we feel that it's not fair, that we don't get to celebrate Mother's Day. But regardless of what emotion you're feeling, it's so important to show yourself that compassion that you need and tell yourself, it's okay. You're allowed to have these feelings. And of course, anyone in my shoes would feel this way. And we do you hear me talking about it on this podcast today. Because this is such a common thing that's been coming up with my clients. It's never going to feel good to have a Mother's Day come up. If it does, God bless, I'm happy. But even with all the work that I do, and I continuously am doing on myself, and my thought works about my inability to be a mom, Mother's Day always has a little tinge in a little jolt in my heart. And there is nothing wrong with me for feeling that way. There's nothing broken about me that I am not excited to celebrate Mother's Day or see the advertisements when I'm out walking through target. So regardless of what motion you're feeling, I'm just begging you to please do it without judgment for yourself. We can take that compassion a step further. And what can you do for yourself today, if you're thinking about Mother's Day, if you have someone that you're going to celebrate with? Maybe that's what you needed. Maybe you want to be the one to organize something for your mom, maybe you're going to call a friend if your mom's not local? Or maybe your mom's not with you anymore. Maybe you want to call a friend and say, Hey, do you care if I join you? I guarantee you that you're not going to get a no from somebody asking if you can join their celebration. And there's no one's going to judge you for asking to be part of their celebration. And you know what, maybe you want to stay under the covers. And maybe you want to stay at home watching the harm Hallmark Channel and you feel like that's some self care. In some years, maybe it is. And maybe this year, it's going to be different. Maybe you're not exactly sure what else you would do to pass the day. So I'm going to give you a few ideas. Is it possible to find a soup kitchen that's looking for help? I know that we have a lot here in the Chicagoland area that serve lunches and dinners to the homeless. So maybe they're looking for somebody to serve meals, because some of the people that commonly help them on these days are tied up with other family engagements. Maybe contact a women's shelter and ask what they're looking for for help. For the women that possibly are moms are maybe not able to be with their kids this Mother's Day given their situation. Maybe you could drop flowers off at local nursing homes and ask them to be distributed to their residents.
Maybe you can Google. I did this myself. I did a quick Google search. I googled the words Mother's Day for homeless and Chicago. So maybe Google Mother's Day for the homeless in whatever city you're in. And I was amazed to see how many nonprofit organizations there are that are doing things to recognize homeless mothers. And maybe it's helping their kids have a gift to give their mom because they just don't have the resources to go out and even get a card or make a card or drop crayons and construction paper off. So these kids can give their moms something on Mother's Day even if they're homeless. And what I decided for me to do and to start to create is The Other's Day, in my Other's Day brunch that's going on here next Saturday in Chicago on May 7, I know that I will find joy, I'd created this event because I love connecting to others. I love connecting others with eachother,, so I decided to host an event that's open to anyone feeling sadness around Mother's Day. So maybe they aren't a mom, maybe they couldn't become a mom, or maybe they're missing their mom. And I'm so excited to create an opportunity to offer connection at a time when so many of us are searching for it. And I'm absolutely thrilled by how many have reached out that aren't in Chicago that want to have local events. And they're serving as ambassadors for me for my Mother's Day and helping me to offer connection for women in their local cities. So I think that there's so much that we can do and I'm going to give you as I love to do one exercise that might help you this Mother's Day. And I want you to think of it as an opportunity to write a Mother's Day card to yourself. Imagine that you were a mom, and what would your card, say to yourself, about the awesome woman you are about those strong person you are about the beauty you bring into the life of others about the happiness and joy that you spread, despite not being a mom. So this week, I want you to work on your Mother's Day card to yourself. And even if you're not a mom, it doesn't mean that you can't be a mother to yourself. So I hope everyone has a beautiful week. If you're in Chicago and you are just hearing about Mother's Day and our Other's Day Brunch, please go on stitch coaching.com/ Mother's Day and reserve your spot. It's only $20 For our awesome brunch buffet. We have an awesome goodie bag that is full of lots of nice treats from local vendors here in Chicago and we have a great group of women. Some I have yet to meet and some I know and we are just going to have an awesome time on May 7. So have a beautiful week and I can't wait to hear the difference that you made this Mother's Day. And remember it is never too late to discover your meaning. Talk to you next week.
I am busy with plans for The Other’s Day bunch I am planning in Chicago on Saturday May 7. It is going to be so much fun! It is being professionally catered by Lisa’s Boutique Catering. I’ve had businesses reach out to me a proactively offer to donate gifts because they are in love with the mission of The Other’s Day Brunch. If you are scratching your head and wondering what it is, it is a brunch I am hosting for anyone feeling sadness or loss around Mother’s Day. It’s not closed off only to women with infertility. I welcome anyone who may be feeling a tinge of dread thinking about Mother’s Day. Maybe you lost your mom or never had a mom you celebrated? Maybe you're not able to physically spend Mother’s Day with your mom this year. Maybe you've yet to have children and hope for that day to come, or maybe you’re like me and always dreamed of becoming a mom and never was able.
So if any of this resonates with you, join is. It’s $20, yes brunch is included, and RSVP are required and we only have a limited number of seats. You can reserve your seat at stitchcoaching.com/othersday (I’ll put the link in the show notes) or if you use Eventbrite, you can find The Other’s Day Brunch on there.
If you are outside of Chicago and loving the sounds of this, I invite you to be one of my Ambassadors. Message me and I will chat with you about putting your local event together and time permitting, get you gifts to share with your ladies who are brunching.
This week we are just starting out National Infertility Awareness Week. There is this whole movement and a whole community out there Working very hard to raise awareness about infertility,
to normalize the conversation about infertility, to basically allow anyone that's feeling challenged to have a family, regardless of race, religion, sexuality, or economic status know that infertility is real. There's a national movement working to unite millions of Americans that want to remove stigmas and barriers that stand in the way of building families.
And I am all over this. I love it because I believe a lot of people have a lack of awareness about infertility, where to seek treatment, access to treatment and who is eligibility and insurance for treatment.
That said, there's also another side of the coin to National Infertility Awareness Week . There is a huge community that did seek the treatment and do all that we could, yet we are still here, living with an infertility diagnosis and living without children.
I definitely don't want anyone to be confused by thinking I am bashing what this week is about, I think it's wonderful. And I am so supportive of building awareness around infertility.
But this other side of the infertility diagnosis holds women who are feeling as though living childless not by choice is not being showcased. The statistics are clear that not everyone that seeking infertility treatments will go home with a child. So I understand this belief of misrepresentation is because the community is not being represented as a whole. There is this opportunity to tell the stories of what life ends up like for women that are childless after infertility. Many are feeling shunned and as if their voice doesn't matter.
They are aware.
They know the statistics
They’ve lived the reality of infertility treatments and are trying to navigate their next steps and asking themselves, SO NOW WHAT?
So this week I'm going to talk a little bit about how to have your voice heard. And it all starts with telling your story. There is someone out there wishing they knew they weren’t alone, but they haven’t heard your story. Your story matters.
May of you are thinking - easy for you to say. You are an open book, Lana. I just decided that I would use my experiences and story in the hopes that just one person would hear it and not feel the loneliness and isolation I felt for the years after my treatments ended. So it’s no wonder that there is lack of voice around our community because it's very hard for us to share our stories.
It is hard to put into words what we're feeling. Who've gone through fertility treatments and weren't able to have kids. And so there's oftentimes a stigma. I think that we create for ourselves because we are embarrassed to tell our stories. We have shame around ourselves and our body's not doing what we thought that they would do or what we believe they were intended to do as being born female.
And what I want to encourage everyone this week is take this opportunity as national infertility awareness week to tell your story. You don’t need to go out on a megaphone and, and present your innermost secrets of what you've gone through to a group of strangers, but maybe start to put your story down on paper. Just for you. Imagine you were the hero of your infertility story. What would you tell me about you and the life you are living despite not being able to become a mom. Could you start the rough draft of that story today, so when you are ready to share it you a proud of who you are today?
If we hear crickets when it comes to living your life childless after infertility, it’s because there are not enough of us proving them wrong. If this community is not being represented the way that we believe it should be, that it's up to us to take up the space in the room and lead the conversation about what life can look like if fertility treatments don’t work for you..
I am proud to say I decisive to take up as much space as I could fine when I told my story publicly just 33 weeks ago and I am astonished by the messages and comments I get from people thanking me for putting into words what they've been feeling in isolation.
The only way To make this community bigger, is for us to represent what it is like to be a woman without children, and to be a living, breathing, powerful woman that failed infertility treatments but decides she will not look at herself as a failure. I tell you this because I once was very embarrassed to even talk about the fact that I was seeking fertility treatments, and then to even admit.
That I tried them and they did not work for me was something that was very hard for me to feel comfortable talking about. My point is today that the ability to talk about it and share my story with others has just been such a weight that has lifted off of me that offers such gratitude and pride knowing that my story of sadness and failure can be reshaped into one of hope. Your opportunity to do the same is no different.
Choose words that tell a story of will and courage. Decide you can represent a bigger subset of women that just have yet to get to our point in their journey. So as we are looking around at national infertility awareness week and believing we don't see pictures of women like us, or hear the stories of women like us, who did not have insurance coverage and still scraped together, to pay out-of-pocket for our treatments or the women that went through seven rounds of IUI and four rounds of IVF with a few canceled cycles sprinkled in there. Start to carve out the opportunity for us to be recognized so that people know we exist.
Hello, my beautiful people. How is everyone this beautiful spring day? Hope everyone had a lovely Easter and Passover, whatever it is, you're celebrating this time of year, we had a beautiful celebration for what I call Easter 1.0. I have the good benefit of celebrating 2 Easters this year. One that we did this past Sunday with my husband's family, we had our first celebration and our new place. And it was so wonderful to host here. And I looked around me and I just felt so grateful for this opportunity for new beginnings. And I thought about what a beautiful time of year it is, at least for those of us in the Midwest, who have spent many months in darkness have spent many months looking at barren trees and looking at browned out grass and to take walks and look out the window and have this new birth and this new beginning that is going on around us. And I think it's such a wonderful time for those of us that are wanting to start to recreate and reinvent ourselves as women without children. What a beautiful time to have spring be a reminder that there is opportunity for growth after darkness for budding after being barren, all these trees, all these flowers that somehow miraculously create the energy to rebloom again. So I want to talk about that this week with you.
I want to know are you ready to rebloom?
Are you ready to create new life in your life?
It's easy for us to say yes. And I want to share with you some topics that I've been working on with my clients. As we're talking about reinvention. As you know, reinvention is one of my very favorite things to talk about. For me, I believe it is one of the most transformative things that we can do as women that are creating the future that we will hold for ourselves and create for ourselves as women without children. And when I think about reinvention, it sounds like this real fancy word. It sounds like this thing that maybe to some sounds unattainable and to others, sounds exciting. To me it sounded exciting. I hope that you will find some excitement and the opportunity to reinvent yourself this spring. So the thing that I would like to talk a little bit about this week, is how to get you there, understanding who you are now, because in order to reinvent yourself, you have to know where you're starting from and we need to take some time to go deeper into the person that we've been created to be. I don't necessarily mean the person that you believe your experiences have created you to be or that the person that you just are or your like your mother or your like your father and you've inherited these traits that you've just assumed to be part of your personality and part of the results that you're seeing in your life. But what I really want to talk about is how we can ask ourselves some questions that will allow you to create a deeper knowing of who you are, as if you were choosing to be that person. So as the spring is coming, what is that blossom going to look like when it opens up?
You don't know what tree you are.
You don't know what varietally You are a flower.
Now is your time to decide what do you want that flower that's budding right now to open up and look like in your future.
So I want to first ask,
Do you believe that you're somebody that could reinvent yourself, reinventing ourselves does not mean that we are broken individuals, it does not mean that we have this past that we're ashamed of, or that we're trying to cover something up by becoming someone different than we who believe we are today. But what a gift that we are humans with human brains that have the ability to really start to create a life that we want. A life that is going to give us the true meaning of who we want to be every day when we look in the mirror, and who we want to be in our future.
So as we're getting started, I want to ask you some very specific prompts. And I want you to do your paper thinking on this this week. And don't just give your first coined answer to these questions, but I'm going to start asking you from a deeper knowing of who you are.
Tell me, are you a person who only does things that you know you're good at?
Are you a person who shies away from confrontation?
Are you a person who gets offended by things that people say to you or ask of you?
Next one, what have you always been good at?
What do you feel most alive doing?
What do you think that other people when they perceive you?
What would you say you believe your good at?
What have you struggled with?
What's something that no matter how many times you've tried it or different ways you've tried doing it, what do you struggle with?
Do you struggle with connecting with women that have kids?
Do you struggle with following through with things you promise yourself you'll do?
Do you struggle with having routines or creating a schedule for yourself?
If you were to say I am?
Are you somebody who's infertile?
Are you a wife? Are you a good worker?
Are you confused?
If I were to ask you what you're not?
Do you know what you're not?
Do you know that you are not somebody who likes to stand up in front of a crowd and address them?
Are you somebody who is not good at keeping commitments?
Are you somebody who is not comfortable around people that you don't know?
So let's get really granular about those first couple questions here. And really get to know who are you now, you know, I'm going to tell you this, though, I'm gonna say it anyway. Do not judge your answers, in order to reinvent ourselves and get to know ourselves and create this life that we truly are going to love. We just have to get really comfortable with where we are with our baseline. Because if we're not comfortable with our baseline and understanding who we are without judging what we've done, what we've been through what we think what we believe, who we love, what we love, what interests us have, we're not comfortable with just addressing it in a very boring vanilla, mediocre way, then we'll never be able to get to a point where we can actually look at ourselves in the mirror and create this life that we truly love. So imagine you have this opportunity this spring to be any flower, any leaf, any tree, any growing thing you possibly can be.
But before you do that, you're going to have to get very clear on who you are now and who you want to blossom into being.
So this week's exercise, I really hope that you take some time to sit with these questions, and really think them through and then we're going to talk about the decision that you've made up until today. So what are the decisions that are the five most defining decisions that you've made that have impacted your life most? Think about some of those decisions, was it possibly to seek treatment for your infertility? Was it to interview for a job
to get married? To form a friendship with someone to go for a promotion? What are some of the decisions that you have found to be most monumental in your life? So this is just the beginning of a big new pilot that I'm putting together where we are going to be digging deep and what it is like to have a belief reinvention and this experience is going to be monumental. I hope that you will join me on this experience. I've mentioned this before, there's going to be an application process to join the belief reinvention experience. And it is truly going to be some of the greatest work that I am putting together. If you have been sitting there wondering what your next step is going to be, if it's not going to be motherhood, you will not want to miss being part of this pilot, because it is truly going to be some fundamental and foundational work that is going to get you to creating a life that you love, even if you're not a mom.
So have a beautiful week. I can't wait to hear all that you worked on this week. You have some awesome tools in front of you to explore exactly who you are, what decisions you've made. And then we're going to decide how we want to take those decisions and those definitions of us on our next step into the reinvention of our beliefs. So don't forget to decide what flower and what bloom you truly are. Have a beautiful week and remember it is never too late to discover your meaning.
Hey, beautiful people. How was everyone this week? You all know that I was at the Life Coach School mastermind meeting. I was in Austin, Texas. It was fabulous. And we'll get to a little bit about what the meeting was about a little bit later. But I wanted to talk about a follow up to last week's podcast. How did everyone do with the idea of sitting on a cloud? And feeling unconnected from the person below you and just observing their thoughts? Their feelings? What was going on for that person? What encounters were bringing up feelings of discomfort? Maybe feelings of joy, feelings of belonging? What were some of the thoughts that were coming up in that person's mind below? Were they thinking:
Great, Susan's pregnant, another one bites the dust?
I wish I could feel better.
Why does it have to be so hard for me?
What was coming up? Because you know, it's interesting, I did some research. And I found that the mind thinks between 60 to 80,000 thoughts a day. That's basically, if my math is right, anywhere between 25 to 3300 thoughts per hour. Think about how many of those 1000s of thoughts you're having in an hour. And how many feelings are coming up for you based on those thoughts, and what those thoughts and feelings are creating, about the beliefs you're carrying around in your mind about yourself. So you know that the core of my practice is based on the BFA cycle. I hope I'm hearing all of my clients out there repeating what BFA means, believe, feel act. So what we're believing those thoughts that we're creating in our mind, are creating beliefs for us about ourselves that we're carrying around. And based on those beliefs, we're feeling a certain way. And when we feel a certain way we do or we don't take actions. What I want to talk to you this week about is taking action. In the mastermind meeting when I was just an Austin, I was surrounded by at least 1400 mostly women, which I love. The fact that there are so many female life coaches, because in my opinion, it shows how dedicated we are to seeking more with our lives and putting ourselves in a place of leadership for our communities. And as I looked around that room, I was so inspired by the amount of people that believe that they can make a difference in their own lives. They've proven it to themselves. And that's where we get the strength and the ability to go and teach it to others and show others that there is a way to live and believe and feel differently about yourself.
The topic of the meeting, and the main theme of the meeting, was talking about taking action. When we think about taking action.
My first thought for many years was:
it's going to be a lot of work.
I don't know that I want to take action.
I might not be good at it.
I might not know how to do it.
I might not do it right.
Not doing it right. I mean, who relates to that?! It's safe to say most of us shy away from trying something because we're not sure we're going to do it right. Not doing it right and this seeking of perfection is something that I continuously work on when it comes to taking action. I've just allowed myself to be more curious and realize that that feeling of failure or the feeling of not doing it right or not knowing how to do it is just temporary. I won't get an answer until I allow myself to take action to try something. When I think about wanting to live my life differently, as a woman without children, and believe differently, as a woman who failed multiple cycles of infertility treatments, I decided that I didn't want to identify as somebody who was a failure, because of that action I took. And I knew that that was coming up for me, because I was not feeling vibrant about my life, I was not looking around me and seeing what I was accomplishing and feeling proud of what I was accomplishing. Because I was associating my inability to have a child with my success. In my current life, I was living very past focused. So if you've listened to episode 29 about living in the past, I was very much there. I decided that I would take action and do things that would be in response to my thoughts and my feelings, and make a difference. That's really where my magic came in. If you're listening, and you can relate to being somebody who has a fear of not doing it, right, a fear of choosing the wrong thing.
I want to show you that you are an action taker. You've already proven to yourself that you have taken action because you had a dream of being a mother, you had a goal of being pregnant, and you had a belief that IVF would work for you. There are very few people that I can say are bigger action takers than women within fertility. Not one of you listening that has been diagnosed with infertility has done nothing about it. If you have done nothing about it, I would love for you to DM me and tell me that you've done nothing about it.
You are an action taker already, you know how to take action to go after a goal of your’s. Whether it worked for you or not, you can decide now, if you were willing to take action to be a mom, have you already decided that you are no longer going to take action for you and your future because you couldn't have a child?
You know you have what it takes to put in effort.
You woke up every morning at 6am to take your ass to a clinic for lab work.
You traveled for business and carried your medications in a cooler through TSA security.
You set an alarm at 3am to take a trigger shot the morning before a retrieval.
You said yes to round 2 of an IUI when round 1 didn't work for you.
And when you went through round 3 of IVF and your cycle was canceled, you were the one who said yes to round 4.
So don't tell me that you are not somebody who takes action. Because lady you are!!
As you have gone through and started to observe what thoughts and what beliefs and what feelings are coming up for you?
Do you know which are not ones that are going to serve you to move forward in creating the life that you love?
Decide what action you are going to take if you don't know what action to take. Do some brainstorming on it. If you just had a guess what would be one thing that might just move your needle 2% in your thoughts and beliefs and feelings. What would it be? Write those down on a piece of paper. You don't have to commit to them. Just write them down. Something that might move you into the future that you want to have of loving your life of liking your life of getting through the next day feeling energized by your life. It doesn't have to be something that is monumental. Something that is going to be a Mic drop. How about this discovery call with me? I offer a free discovery call to just talk through things no obligation, not going to be hounding you. I just offer that as an option. For service to those of you that are listening go on stitch coaching.com and book a free discovery call but do something that will help you to take action in your life, as if you know that the way you're believing about yourself, and how your story of motherhood ended up in, you're not liking the way that it feels, which most of us don't, there's very few women I know, that failed infertility treatments, and is happy about it. But there's the women like me, and so many of us in this fertility community that are showing you that you can make a difference. So all I'm asking you this week is to take some action, make a list of I'm going to tell you 25 things to start with 25 I want to hear what they are DM me, message me do something to show accountability of what those 25 things are, that you would like to take action on. Maybe it's taking a class. Maybe it's reading a book, doing more movement and more workout in your day. Maybe it's getting a dog. God knows. You know, I love my little @cocodoodledew. She's like, was a huge bit of action for me. That was part of my healing cycle. Just know that there's no right or wrong to action. Who cares if you suck at it? Who cares if it's the first time you try it? It feels really uncomfortable and you want to throw up. That means you're doing it right.
Take some action this week.
You have resources.
You know where to find me.
I offer you so much opportunity to learn more about yourself and create a life you love. So remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. Have an awesome week.
Welcome back to Episode 30!! 30 weeks, we have been meeting here on Tuesdays to get a little slice of newness to apply and new things to implement in our lives. I guess they say time flys by when you're having fun, because it has been so fun and such a huge pleasure through these last 30 weeks to connect with so many of you who have reached out and provided thoughts and feedback and questions when you hear a new episode. And please keep that coming. Because I feel like even in this era of not meeting people in person, just the ability to connect with you. Whether it's over social media or zoom or a discovery call. It is such a sincere pleasure to get feedback from each of you. So we are going to dovetail on last week's episode, where we talked about living in our past. There was a lot of goodness and things to digest in that episode. So if you have yet to listen to Episode 29, I encourage you to pop out of this one and go back and listen to 29. And just start to catch yourself up on what it is like to be living as a past focused person, decide whether it's serving you, whether you fall into that category, whether you want to experience your thoughts and your life and your beliefs differently. Hopefully, you caught my post on April 1 on instagram about the beta group that I'm going to be putting together to get a little more in depth and really dig deeper into the reinvention of your beliefs. So if you have yet to see that post, or hear about it, and go back into Instagram, but I am going to keep you posted once my application process is open to join my beta group. And I'll make that available. Of course on Instagram and at stitchcoaching.com You could probably tell that I am a huge proponent of managing your beliefs and understanding your beliefs. And really getting your arms around why it is you believe a certain way because the way that you're believing is creating whatever feeling is coming up for you in your life. And for some people living with a certain feeling is not an issue. Some people do not get rattled by not feeling excitement and joy and anticipation for their future. And I am not here to tell you that there is something wrong with you. I just know that when I was going through my journey, and when I found out I couldn't be a mom, I sat in a lot of feelings that I I feel were important for me to feel. And I would not take back the opportunity to feel the loneliness and feel the dissension from my peers and my friends that have kids and feel the questioning about my future. I think it is so important that we do feel all of those feelings before we move forward and try to modify the way we're feeling about things. So that said, I am just somebody who knew that I wanted to feel differently and to be more excited about the future years that I had ahead and not to continue to define myself and define the person that I am by failed fertility cycles or by a body that couldn't do what it was genetically designed to do. So it is not a problem. If you listen and feel like you're cool with feeling the way that you feel. I am not here to change anyone's way of being or way of thinking. But if you are feeling these things and just really want to get on the other side of it or maybe have a better understanding of why it is you're continuously feeling or believing a certain way about yourself, then I am your gal. We are really going to be diving deep in understanding how everything starts with your brain. The fact that you have a consciousness that the thoughts and the beliefs you're having have a connection to your feelings. So every single thing that has ever been created by humans has started with a thought in someone's brain, no exceptions to that. And if you don't allow yourself to think you just really can't create anything. So if you are not training yourself to think or believe things on purpose, you will not create anything purposeful. And the first step to becoming aware of what you're thinking and to manage it is really having a next step in understanding how to create a thought or a belief on purpose. And we often don't think of the creation as something that happens in our brain. It's where all true creation starts. So we create thoughts, and we have beliefs, and then we are able to create things. But our belief of something has to be created first. And basically a belief or a thought is just a sentence. And you can create that sentence. And then when you create the result of that sentence, dreams are literally waiting for you. And those are going to be what becomes the result of your thoughts, because your thoughts and your beliefs are really the token to living a life that you love. Living a life that you truly feel like you are a part of, and not a third party who's on the outside just watching life happen to us. If you are interested in getting to a point in your life, where you can create and believe and be the manager of YOUR mind, then you will want to stay on this journey with me as we go through and we understand how to reinvent the beliefs that we have. So in summary, you can make your dreams come true. And it's gonna start with creating a sentence in your brain. And once you believe the sentence, so much, you will start to feel it. And when I say feel it, you're going to really act on those feelings. And the action is going to be propelled by the feelings you feel the thoughts you have. But really, the actions are going to create results for you to have the life that you intentionally want to have for yourself, it is true that what you're currently believing now is based on your past. For many of us, it's easy to go back into the file cabinet of our past, and go through all those sentences that we have recycled. And those experiences that we've allowed ourselves to define our worthiness by and all these sentences, and all these beliefs were taught to us either directly or indirectly. And some of them are so ingrained, that we don't even notice them as options to believe in options to really think anymore. And you just are believing that they are the truth. So these are the thoughts and the beliefs that really go unquestioned. So our first step is going to be building awareness. So when you become aware of what you believe, you are really going to almost think of yourself as this cloud floating above your life. And when things happen if you can just observe them, and be aware of them without trying to change them without trying to tell yourself that you shouldn't be thinking that way or that it's not helpful to be thinking that way. Or when you think that way, you're going to start feeling some way that you don't want to feel in the beginning, I'm just going to ask you to just think of yourself as this cloud that's floating over you. And imagine what it's like sitting up on that cloud and just watching you go about your life, that is going to be such an opportunity to really have yourself feel all that you want to feel and do all that you want to do without having judgment for yourself. So this week, I really want you to notice if you're getting stuck in a certain situation, or maybe you saw online that somebody is having a baby there, they got pregnant and they're having their pregnancy and announcement or a gender reveal. Like imagine what that is going to feel like for you. What are you going to be thinking about yourself? Maybe you're going to be thinking, that’s one more person who successfully got pregnant and I couldn't do it. Or here we go another friend who's having a baby and that's going to be less People in my circle of friends that I can relate to anymore. Take an experience that goes on for you this week, one that maybe makes you feel a little uneasy and just observe it, think of yourself just floating up that cloud and watching you, and then from there, start to do some paper thinking on it. So take out your journal, or however you record your thoughts, I personally find that writing them down works better for me than typing them into my phone. There's just something about having pen to paper that brings a little bit more intense thought out of me. But take those opportunities to just really write what thoughts are coming up for you.
How are you feeling when those things happen, or that thing happens, if you can isolate it to one thing that's going to be your best opportunity to just get some thoughts out on paper and try not to change anything, just become aware, get those thoughts on paper, tell yourself, it's okay. I know when I'm sitting here thinking about writing this down in my paper thinking, I don't like I know, this is probably not a helpful thought to me. But it's okay. Just being aware is going to allow you to really start to reinvent your beliefs. So when you build the awareness, you'll be able to look out into the world. And to see that you can experience things and really start to take them in for yourself. So this is where most of your power is really going to come forward for you. And I really want you to take some time this week to become aware of what you believe because you must become aware of what you are thinking in order to have different feelings, different take, different actions and have different results in your lives. That's what we got for this week as we start to get more in depth on reinventing your beliefs. If you're interested in being part of my pilot, you can message me and I'll definitely as soon as my application process is open, I will give you a link to the application. But if this sounds like something you're interested in, please let me know because I am only going to take a select group of people to work in this pilot, and I would love it if you are one of them. So have an awesome week and remember it is never too late to discover your meeting. I'll talk to you next week.
When you look at your past, what story are you telling yourself? I recently reconnected with someone I met when I represented the state of Indiana back in 1996 at the Cherry Blossom Festival. I came across some old pics when we were moving and decided I would reach reached out.
I see myself doing a lot more of that lately. I ask myself, if I don’t do something now when am I planning to do it. It’s amazing what that question can spark. So I connected and wrote a snapshot of my highlights over the last 25 years. about the past six months, because what the story that you're telling about the past six months will have a huge impact on the next six months. So if you tell yourself a story about the last six months being I'm not good enough, I'm not doing as well as other people, I should have taken advantage of the opportunity more, I should have applied myself more, I should have made the time, then you're going to feel negative, you're going to feel defeated, you're going to feel upset, and that will then determine the actions that you take in the future. Beating yourself up over your past seems like deserved punishment that will somehow push you into action. A lot of people believe that if they just beat themselves up enough that then eventually they'll start taking action. That has not worked ever for me once in my life. I have never beaten myself into success, beaten myself into happiness, and I doubt that it will work for you. So that's what this podcast episode is about. It's about looking at how you interpret your past, and when I talk about the past, it's anything that has happened up until this moment, and all of those things that have happened, all the things that you have done or not done, you are using to define yourself. And one of the skills that I like to teach and that is really important to teach is to start defining yourself by your future, instead of defining yourself by your past.
If you're defining yourself by your past, you're going to create more of your past. That's why when you look at a lot of people's lives, it just seems like you can predict exactly what's going to happen next year and the year after for them because they always live based on a repetitive thought pattern of what they're capable of and who they are. And then you look at some people who are always creating something new, always coming up with new ideas and are always very unpredictable; they're basing themselves on their future self.
If you listened to episode 23 on the B-F-A cycle, you will understand that the Beliefs you carry from the past are constantly recycled because when you're continually believing something that historically has created a feeling and that feeling then evokes an action that creates a result in your life.
So if you want to create something new, or you want to implement a new idea, you start by creating a belief you've never believed before. And you do that by shifting your beliefs about your past, to thinking and believing new things about your future,
It sounds easy and exciting and then you realize that it is a blank piece of paper. A bunch of white space that doesn't include motherhood and children, but that is OK. You have to be creative to create it, and it's much more effort to think deliberately, to think about your future, to create your future, than it is to just recycle your past.
Most of us don't even know that the things we're believing right now are just recycled thoughts from our past, and we just think they're reality. The ability to become aware of that thinking and then decide to deliberately believe a thought you've never thought before requires a tremendous amount of energy compared to not doing anything. But you know me. I don’t thrive anymore on a life on autopilot, so I'm asking you to believe a thought you've never thought before, to create life that you've never created before for yourself, just for the hell of it. Just for the fun of it. Just for the challenge of it. Just because it's amazing to evolve your brain beyond thinking that it's already thought before.
What I am really trying to do with my own life is not just to have the new insight, not to just have the new thinking, but to have it in a way where I'm feeling it and acting on it and creating new results. The way that you know if you're thinking deliberately consistently is you will consistently have new results in your life.
If you are always getting the same results, you're always thinking and believing the same thoughts. Thoughts create feelings, create actions, create results. So if you feel the same feelings, think the same thought, you're doing the same things, you're getting the same results, it's because you're not thinking deliberately enough. Yes, it does take energy. It takes a lot more energy to believe a thought that you've never thought before. But youre alternative is to continue feeling the way you are feeling because you're past focused.
- You limit your potential by what you've been able to do in the past.
- You explain your life by what happened in your past, your identity is pre-defined and hard to change.
- You explain current behavior by your past and make it hard to change. You make excuses based on past experiences.
- You may use evidence from your past to identify as a victim. So many of my very strong, capable, successful clients have no idea how much they're identifying themselves as victims until we start working together. This is true for me in my own life, I feel like I'm a very strong, independent woman, and I have areas of my life where I slip into feeling like a victim and identifying as a victim or feeling sorry for myself, and at times it can be hard to identify that in my own self because I would never say, oh look at me, the victim. But we do that with our thought processes
- You don't think about your future enough or create from your future.
What do I mean when I say create from your future? What I mean is you think things about your future that you've never thought before, and therefore you take action from a belief that you've never believed before.
- You tap into your primitive brain by focusing on lessons only from the past and not growing.
- What you know comes from past learning and not from up to date information and possibility. “Often I hear clients say that they want their carefree life they had before they found out they had infertility or went though IVF. I always discourage this type of past focused thinking. I like to have clients focus on the future and on a life they would like to have in one year or five years from now. Many of us have carry pain and negative memories about our journey to seek motherhood. Many of us feel we've have failure or our bodies failed us. When we define ourselves and our future abilities by these past attempts, we become discouraged and filled with regret. I strive to look at my past as if it happened exactly as it was supposed to, and there were no mistakes. Just lessons and preparation. I am working to not see any reason to argue with my past or wish it was different. It's a waste of emotional energy. I am choosing to take that energy and focus on my future – something I feel I can have an impact on. The truth is that you can't go back. The past is over. You can create a future that is better than your past. Many times if you ask a past focused person what their plans are for the future, they have no idea where they're going. They're being defined by who they used to be without taking control of who they want to be.
It's telling when someone I'm working with is past focused or defined by their past because they will say things like, “that’s how I've always done it, that doesn't work for me. I've tried it, I've always had this issue my entire life. This is just how I am. I'm not the kind of person who can do that. That’s just me. When I hear this kind of talk, I know the client is being defined by the evidence of their past. Evidence that they have been unconsciously look for in order to justify their belief systems. Although I do believe we need to learn from our past and grow from our mistakes we've made, I never recommend that you define yourself by what you’ve yet to accomplish.
You can turn your head around and start focusing on the road ahead. The past is over and gone, you cannot go back there and change it or be younger again or fertile again. Your past set you up to be the person you are today. Love it for what it did and say goodbye. It's time to get excited about your future.”
My ask of you is to start creating from your future and stop creating from your past. Your past will pre-define your future unless you step in. You get to decide who you want to be You can do that by default and you can blame your past you can blame your circumstances you can blame your current belief systems, but that blame will be misplaced because you have the power right now to create exactly what you want in your future. Your past may be unrecognizable to your future self. According to Dan Sullivan, the future is your property. It is your property to do with whatever you would like. Think about that. If you could, and you can, have any future that you want, what would it be? What if you always wanted to be a mom, but maybe in your future you are happy not being a mother. You don't have to be any of the things you always dreamed of or thought you wanted. What if you believed you could be childfree and happy? What if you could choose what you did not want to be anymore? You don't have to be grumpy anymore, you don't have to be in pain emotionally anymore, you don't have to feel like a victim anymore. You can define the future that you want and live now into it. I am on a roll all!! Lets review. The number one concept is your beliefs create your feelings, which create your actions, which create your results. In other words, the beliefs you carry create your reality. They create what you create, and they also create your interpretation of what already is. Knowing that, you have to ask yourself: Where do you want to think from Do you want to think from your past, or do you want to think from your possibility? Do you want to think from your future? From a place where you get to be fully creative, fully aligned, fully in your zone? Now, I hear you asking me how do I do that, and I'm going to keep it really simple. Every thought - when you do your paper thinking, ask yourself, that belief come from my past or does it come from my possibility? I'm not good enough, I'm not strong enough, I can't do that, I've failed too many times, I let my partner down; those are all thoughts from your past. Anything is possible. My body is not broken. I will not die alone. ; My life has meaning. From that place, you will create a completely different experience of the world, and you will also create completely different results. This is not just rhetoric. This is not just me saying feel better, yay, be positive. No, this is happening, my friends. This isn't just happening for me, this is happening for my students. Example after example, after example, after example of people changing their lives by consistently applying these principles month after month. I'm inviting you to learn how to think from your future and how to re-define your past in this moment. Now, notice when I redefine my past, when I say my past was perfect, I'm rewriting that story and thinking in a way that's brand new, and that's why my results will all be brand new. I am doing this work on my infertility and childlessness, but I just need to continuously do this work on my experience of last year, my experience of last week and my experience of yesterday. I need to make sure that all my thoughts about my past are serving me in my present and in my future, and that's what I'm asking you to do.
I am recording from my new apartment we moved to last week, everything went great, except I cannot find my headset that I normally record my podcast on. So I'm going to apologize ahead of time if my sound quality is kind of janky this week.
In last week's episode, we talked about what we have, maybe some of it is necessary, maybe a lot of it in our lives is just robust and things that we don't need. We talked about how it feels to let go of things that you don't need, and why we hang on to things out of a sense of comfort. So that was really well received.
I'm so glad of all the feedback I've gotten from people that are going through and thinking about what things you have that are serving you and what things you're holding on to in your life that maybe are holding you back from moving into the next chapter. So I thought it would be interesting this week to talk to you about saying goodbye.
Sometimes we say goodbye to things that we're not prepared to say goodbye to sometimes we're doing it deliberately. And sometimes we just really don't take time to process how to say goodbye. And honestly, I don't know that there's an actual right or wrong way to say goodbye. But I thought this week I would share some opportunities for you to think about how to say goodbye to things in your life. Let's start from deciding that we can do it from a sense of gratitude. Many of us, when things change in our lives, circumstances change, we have these beliefs that it's got to be an uncomfortable or scary or daunting move that we are experiencing in our lives.
What if we decide that we want to experience our goodbyes with a sense of gratitude?
What if we decided that we were the ones that decided that we wanted to say goodbye instead of waiting for the goodbye to come to us? I would equate this to leaving our house that I thought was going to be the house that I raise a family and our children in, so I decided to write a goodbye letter. So maybe this is something that you can do for something else that's going on in your life, maybe take some time and say goodbye.
What would you want to say if you had an opportunity to think through what you're saying goodbye to?
Is it really a physical thing, or is it a collection of memories that are contained somewhere in your mind that you associate with that tangible thing or that place?
There were a lot of memories that I left behind that weren't great at that house. I remember sitting on a sofa and getting the call, that a cycle had been canceled. That was going to be my last, final cycle and not being able to travel and even have the experience of going through a retrieval that memory was contained in that house. I remember being on a medication during one of my cycles that caused me so much pain in my legs, and the only relief that I could get was soaking in a bathtub. And every time I would look at that bathtub, I would think about those painful times of going through my fertility treatments. So that's where I got the idea before we moved out of our house that I would go through and I would write a letter to my house and recount all of the things whether they were in “air quotes”, good or bad or negative or positive. And I would just go through and I would recognize all of the growth, all of the experience, the heartache, the love that I felt in that house and realize that it wasn't the four walls that were providing me those feelings. It was my mind and the feelings and the thoughts and the beliefs that I took away from those experiences that I had while living in that house. So it was a very powerful thing for me to do. I thought it would be a great thing to come and offer you some ideas of ways to get thought starters going and implement opportunities to maybe say goodbye to some things in your life that you're ready to move on from, but possibly it's a little challenging for you to take that next step.
One thing that I worked really hard on was finding happiness before leaving our house. And that could be anything in your life too, whether it's a job, or relationship, your IVF treatment…
Are you able to be at peace with the decision that you're going to make to leave something or cease something and not be at a point where you feel like it was taken from you?
To cognitively be at peace and be confident in the decision you're making?
To move on from something or to leave something?
I'd say a lot of us feel that we really have to be unhappy in order to leave something. A big question that I get from my clients is “How do you know if you're leaving something because you are unhappy?” And the main thing that I've recognized is that when you feel like there's a sense of urgency or a sense of rush to escape something, or to leave it, that usually means that you're not fully at peace, or happy with your decision to move on from something.
If you can leave something slowly, with love, communication and nurturing, then I think you're at a point where you're ready to leave something from a sense of love and happiness. One of the greatest examples I could give you is choosing to discontinue IVF, or fertility treatments. It's a huge thing that I find many of us lack peace with ourselves, that we've chosen to leave that part of our journey. It's not just leaving that journey, it's truly deciding that you're not going to pursue having children anymore. Maybe it's choosing not to get an egg donor, choosing not to go through an adoption process. And I think so many of us feel that we need to justify our reasons why the adoption wasn't the right answer for us, or why choosing an egg donor wasn't something that we chose to move forward with.
I think it's so important that we take an opportunity to recognize why that decision was not right for us, instead of worrying about what others are gonna think of us because we did not take all the options that were available to us.
Is it possible for you to leave or make a decision to leave something out of a sense of love for yourself?
Do you know yourself well enough to know that this is the right decision for you and not worrying about what other people are gonna think?
Or whether you're disappointing others because you're choosing to make a decision to leave something or to stop something?
I think that question becomes twofold. Because if you're stopping something, do you truly like your reason why you're choosing to stop it?
These questions I'm offering to you can really be used in so many different aspects of your life. So maybe you're thinking about changing jobs, maybe you're thinking about moving, maybe you're thinking about stopping your fertility treatments, maybe you're thinking about ending a relationship that you're in. Many of us wait until we get to a point that we feel like we don't have any other option but to leave something. But if we can start looking at things in our lives that come up and cognitively make the decision to leave something or change something in our lives because it is something that we've truly thought about and given a lot of love and nurturing for ourselves in order for us to get ourselves to a point that we want to continue to have forward growth in our life.
It was just a perfect example that I can share with you this week of writing that letter, because it just was really an emotional thing, but maybe it's something that you're saying goodbye to in your life of a past that you once had.
Maybe you're writing a letter to the woman that thought she was going to be a mom and you're telling her that it's okay that you love her anyway, that the world is going to love you and think you're wonderful, whether you bore a child or not.
So this week, think about something that you want to say goodbye to - and it doesn't have to be something earth shattering and revolutionary. Maybe it is literally a pair of sweatpants that have a hole in them that you just love how comfy they are. The thought that you want to change jobs, maybe it's something that you've been dreaming of doing. But you know, you have to close one chapter before you open a new chapter. So think about what it might be that you want to say goodbye to in your life. And let's start thinking about how we can create a plan that doesn't feel rushed, that you can truly feel love and gratitude and a sense of hope for what is coming next. That it feels good for you to say goodbye to that thing. So I want you to think about that this week. Please DM me, let me know what you came up with.
While I'm talking about DMs, I just want to say how overwhelmed and happy I am. When I get messages from all of you and I know you ladies know who I'm talking to if you're listening right now who reached out these past couple of weeks with ideas for podcasts, with feedback on how this podcast has helped you form a new way of thinking about living your life with infertility or living your life without children. So I just want to say thank you so much. And please continue to reach out. And let me know what resonates with you, what you want to hear about what you want to talk about. And I promise you that what you have to say is so meaningful to others. And all it takes is one person to start telling their story for others to know that they can feel a sense of relief, that they're not alone in this journey. So being of telling our story, I am beyond thrilled that I was featured in a magazine that just hit the newsstands today. It's called Link2us. It's available at Barnes and Noble, Books a Million and at stellar bookstores, which are in some of the largest airports out there, la X LaGuardia Newark, San Diego, San Francisco, Minneapolis, though tons of airports have stellar book stores. So look for link2us magazine, flip to page 51. And you will read about my story talking about if you don't do hard things, you'll never discover how strong you are. So take a look for that if you come across it if you would do me the hugest favor and take a picture of the article if you want a selfie yourself and take a picture of the article and post it on Instagram and tag me I would love for you to give a little bit of hype for me and of course for the magazine and read the magazine because it is dedicated to people who do some amazing things. And I think we can all build a love for one another if we continue to celebrate the triumphs and the successes and the courage that other people show out there making differences in this world.
So have an awesome week, and remember it is never too late to discover your meeting.
Hello, my beautiful people. I am recording today in the midst of moving boxes and bubble wrap and all kinds of things to prepare for our move.
In Episode 25, we talked about clearing the clutter and how I went through all the closets and went through all the things in my life that I have that I'm just not using anymore. Almost every day, I have been going and dropping things off to local charities, I have been putting things up on our neighborhood Facebook group, and I feel so happy that sharing things with others brings joy to them. For example, on Saturday, I posted an art easel, my husband in his free time does some oil painting. And we found this easel that was shoved away under our stairs and I posted on our neighborhood Facebook group. And a few hours later, a woman came and picked it up. She was so excited because she has a young daughter who's very interested in art. And they were so excited to have this easel to take home for their daughter. So things like that just it feels really good. Instead of saying, Oh, maybe I'll use that, again, four years from now just to pass that on to somebody else feels really good. And I feel very grateful to do so. And I've known for months that we were going to be moving since we put our house up on the market. But it's really been intense these last few weeks with all the purging and packing and coordinating of all the things that go along with the move. We're just really excited to start this new chapter and this new adventure. Once we sell our house, and we are moving into a rental so we're gonna rent and we decided to look at it as a 15-month vacation. And just really enjoy these next 15 months of renting this condo and enjoying living in a new neighborhood. We're staying in Chicago, but we decided that since we don't have kids, and we don't have to worry about uprooting them and moving schools and coordination of you know, logistics with children, we decided that we wanted to try and live somewhere that we'd never lived before in the city. We have signed a lease that an awesome apartment that overlooks Millennium Park, and there's concerts in the summer at the park and we just really made a commitment to ourselves that we are just going to enjoy these next 15 months and be adventurous. If we see a concert going on in the park, we are going to pack our picnic basket and we're just going to head our butts down there and enjoy these next 15 months. But when we first bought our house in 2015, and we moved in here, I was in between chapters in my treatment, I had gone through a few rounds of IVF here at a local hospital at a local teaching institution. And I was sort of in this lull of not knowing if I was going to pursue IVF again, it was as you know, very emotional, a very hard thing to prepare myself to go through again. And I honestly just was not sure that I had it in me. But we wanted to buy a house that if we did grow, to have a family, we would be able to have room for a nursery and kids to grow. When we bought this house. There were two rooms in our house. Sorry I'm gonna get a little emotional on this that I considered for a nursery. I always envision bringing a baby home from the hospital to this home.
When we bought this house, it was my dream house. When we moved in, we did a lot of remodeling and picked out the wallpaper I picked light fixtures I picked paint colors and draperies and it was a big house in more space than we would ever need. And so when we found out that we weren't going to be able to have children, my husband wanted to downsize, and I found myself to be really opposed to it. I remember us having some kind conversations and I was just very adamant that we weren't leaving this house that we, you know, love this house - it has everything that we needed. And I was just really opposed to it. And it was scary for me to think about moving and saying this now I've that have worked with a coach, and I'm now certified as a coach. I've been so interested to know why us moving was scary to me back then. And how could moving out of this house actually scare me. So after doing a tremendous amount of paper thinking on this, I realized that I used to believe that this house gave me validation. It was big, it was spacious, it was impressive. And not having a kid I thought that having a beautiful home would give me a validation to be admired. And it's easy to judge myself or to not want to admit that here as I'm saying it to you publicly, because it seems really shallow. And when I say it, I am almost thinking gosh, are the people listening are going to judge me. But when we can get curious about what it is that we're thinking and feeling without judging ourselves, without embarrassment for ourselves, and worry of what others are thinking we can learn so much. And I know I've talked about that before that a lot of the feelings that we have and the thoughts that we have about not having children and about our lives we don't talk about because it seems so embarrassing to actually admit that we think in a certain way, and believe in a certain way. So here's what I learned that I never dreamed I'd live in a house I loved like this, or that a house that was this big or decorated in the way that it's decorated. And so when my husband would suggest selling, I was really fearful of letting go of it because I didn't believe that I would ever have something this great again, because of that I held on to this house, out of fear of scarcity.
It's very common for us not to want to change in our life, because we really don't believe that we could ever achieve something greater. So we stay where it's safe. We don't want to rock the boat because we feel lucky to have what we have. But when we keep ourselves stuck in circumstances out of fear, and we often misinterpret fear for gratefulness. We can move forward in our lives and feel grateful not for material possessions. But for what we have accomplished what we've achieved. What we've worked hard for that got us to the halving of something. In this episode, I'm talking about my dream house, but maybe for you, it's not your house, maybe it's a job that you have a relationship that you're in an environment that you desire. And so many of us give our dreams up out of fear that we can never do or have something again, or a belief that, oh, I just got lucky this time. And we rarely allow ourselves to recognize the role that we've played in the act of the achievement, we overlook the things that we bring to the table and the talents that we have, and the work that we've put forth to achieve and accomplish what we have right now. So this house wasn't a gift that plopped into our laps, my husband and I saved, and we planned and we worked to achieve and build the life that we have. And so, I've been practicing the thought
"No one has given me anything that I am not worthy of receiving."
So this week, I'd like you to start thinking of
- What you have in your life that you don't believe you're worthy of?
- Is there something in your life that you fear losing? What is that thing? Is that a feeling?
- Do you believe that you don't feel worthy of happiness or joy?
Maybe it's a material thing you don't feel worthy of having nice things, or going on nice vacations, there's so many things that our mind plays tricks on us with and really tells us that this is it folks, this is what you came for. This is what I'm going to give you. And don't you dare shake that boat because this is your climax of what you are destined to have in your life. And it's so not true ladies, you are destined for so much more if you just allow yourself to see how much you're really capable of achieving and the life that you're capable of having if you allow yourself to feel the feelings of gratitude for yourself and gratitude for what you get up, and do and accomplish, and strive for each day. And that doesn't mean that we don't have great people in our lives that have offered us opportunities, or maybe shown us the way to try something that we haven't tried before. I'm not saying that we don't show a sense of gratefulness to others, we absolutely do. But let's not give all your power away to others. Take time to observe what it is that you truly bring to your life every day. So, as I'm wrapping up the final few days here in our house, I am going through and really trying to recognize that this house and not having this house anymore cannot cause me fear. And that there's just so much out there for me that I just know is going to come to me and come to us and it is something that I'm truly excited to embark upon. The things we talked about in this week's episode are really some enlightening opportunities that you can have on where you are in your life, and possibly what's holding you back from moving on to the next version of you and what's available to you.
Have a beautiful week. And remember... it is never too late to discover your meaning!
I feel so fabulous to be back here for Episode 26 with all of you because that marks exactly six months of me doing weekly podcasts, these last 26 weeks I have showed up for myself, for you. And for the community that is just really looking to learn how to deal differently and feel differently about an inability to have children. I want to thank you whether this is your first episode or your 26th episode. I just feel so grateful for the fact that I created a goal for myself to create a podcast that helps women that are feeling alone and feeling isolated and feeling like they don't have anyone to speak to about their infertility journey, especially when you go through years of fertility treatments, and you don't end up as a mother. I've never really taken the time to explain how The “So Now What?” Podcast even started. If you listened to Episode One you heard me talk about it was something that I wanted to do for a long time. Part of why I want to focus on the topic of goals for episode 26. Not only is it a monumental marker of six months of being on the podcast, but it speaks to what it's like to make a goal. Many of us have this thought that having a goal has to be something that you have thought about for a long time, something that you've planned for something that you really clawed your way to getting to. And The “So Now What?” Podcast actually started, it was Labor Day weekend of 2021. I was nearing the culmination of my coach training and part of the training that I went through, there was a huge emphasis on getting hours in of actual coach training because they want you to just be the best coach that you can be and understand the methodologies and how to offer clients the best time spent because you have the best training possible. So there was a woman that was in my cohort, she has a very successful podcast. She's actually a real estate agent. So her podcast is called Confessions of a Top Producing Real Estate Agent. She was coaching me on some issues I was having around sadness of infertility (shocking). And when we got done, she encouraged me to start a podcast. And I thought my goodness, that is just going to be so out of my comfort zone. I have no clue how to even record a podcast, let alone upload one. But I created a goal for myself that Labor Day weekend, it was the Friday of Labor Day. I told myself that by Monday, I would have figured out and recorded and uploaded my first podcast. So that was episode one. I took that goal; I didn't think about it for a long time. I guess maybe in hindsight, it was something that I wanted to do, but goals are easy enough to just say you're going to do something and commit to them because we have so much power in our minds. It's very exciting and it's very terrifying at the same thing. But you can absolutely create the life you want without changing anything but your thoughts. So instead of going from a belief or a thought that I had that,” there's absolutely no way I could figure this out.” I just created the belief for myself on that Friday, six months ago and said, “I'm going to figure it out” by changing the belief. If you've been following along with the Believe, Feel, Act cycle; I believed that I was just going to try something out. It made me feel curious. And when I was feeling curious, I started researching online, asking questions, doing some follow up and just decided that I was going to create that goal for myself and it did not have to be something that was long and drown out for months. So when you take full responsibility for your life and the things that you will accomplish, you are just going to be so amazed. So here I am six months later with all of you listening and nearing 2500 unique downloads of this podcast which I just am so grateful for but also so encouraged by the fact that there are 2500 of us that are looking to live a better life without being moms, I want to talk to you a little bit about how to create outcomes and goals in your life. So many of us just want to know how to do it, give me the one through 10, how to create a podcast, and then I'll figure it out. But life just is not like that. But if you manage your mind, and tune into your brain and your beliefs, your brain is going to continue deciding whether you're able to manage it or if it's going to manage itself. When we take responsibility and actually create the thoughts and the beliefs that we want to have about our goals, or the things that we are wanting to accomplish, that is going to create the feelings that are going to motivate you to take the action at work at home, in your relationships, because it's really hard to argue against the idea that you can do so much based on your mind, because there's so much evidence that supports it. People who you talk to that are goal driven people are no more lucky, or talented or brilliant than you. The difference is people that have goals and are focused on outcomes and creating goals for themselves. We are just willing to figure things out willing to be uncomfortable willing to take a stab in the dark and create a podcast, my first podcast, I was in my closet, you guys with - a pair of air Pods in my ears - and I recorded it on my laptop, it was something that I want to do. If I put too much emphasis on it sounding perfect, and the quality of it being like somebody who's done a podcast for three years that has a million listeners, I probably never would have done it. But if you just allow yourself to change your beliefs or how you're programmed and what your mind is seeking evidence for on a daily basis, your mind will find ways to prove your beliefs true.
Choose the beliefs that you want to have that are going to drive you to the goal you're wishing you could achieve or that you see other people doing things and you say, gosh, I just wish I could do it. So many of us sit there wishing that we could do something, but feel scared to take the action because we just don't believe we're going to be good at it. And I believe that having goals is not to necessarily be happier than we are today. But I believe setting goals is because our purpose on this planet is to evolve into the next best version of ourselves. So we should just constantly be asking ourselves to bloom in a bigger way. And goals are the best way that you can do that. So when you think about a goal or a dream or something that you want to achieve, it may seem way beyond your current abilities, the process of dreaming and thinking about your goals in this present moment is what brings to light all the things that have been preventing you from believing in a deeper way. And I'm certainly not trying to say that you need to arrive there to become a better person. But what I'm saying is that setting goals and believing in them enough to achieve them will bring up obstacles and roadblocks on your path to seeking your deeper greatness.
So me, for example, starting a podcast; me creating that podcast doesn't make me any better or any greater. But what I've done is removed any obstacles that were blocking me from knowing how much I can achieve if I just set a goal for myself. And I put myself out there and know that my first 10 episodes, maybe shaky and sound a little novice. But if I had a goal of creating a podcast, and I waited until I was perfect to do it, I would probably still be waiting here today to achieve it. And have never connected with so many of you great people that have been listening. So when I work with my clients on goals, I teach a specific process for setting goals. Here's the process in the reason we use it first, it helps a goal setter remove any blockages and believing they can achieve something and the second is that goals really give us direction and they create a deliberate focus for our brain. As we've talked about in earlier episodes, our brain is just used to being in protection mode and being unsupervised. Almost like a child like brain. It will go on thinking these thoughts that will prevent us or be detrimental to us and possibly hurting us and cause us to go into a direction that we don't want to go. But if we're focused on a goal or something that we are looking to achieve in our life and deliberately concentrating on that goal tells our brain that hey, what I want to do is focus on this I want to have structure in supervision and what I'm thinking about In order to achieve that goal, so one of the main reasons we want to have goals is because it will allow us to predict where we're going to be in our life by what we're telling our brain to think. So remember your beliefs, create your feelings, which drive your actions. And then those actions, ultimately produce the results you see in your life. And this happens no matter what, because you're always going to be creating results. Results don't just happen to you. So whether they're good or bad, results happen. And goals are a way of deciding what it is you want the results to be just instead of moving along haphazardly, and letting your brain decide without having any sort of intention.
Okay, so I want to ask:
Do You Dream?
Many of us who've been through fertility treatments, we have trouble dreaming, because we feel like not having a child and going through all those years trying that our dreams just no longer are available to us.
Is it possible to allow yourself to dream about what you want?
Do you ever think about the future?
Do you plan what you want to create with your life?
Many of the women that I work with who are trying to figure out what life's gonna be like, after infertility, and not having a child come to me with beliefs that have gotten old and gotten stale. They feel like they're busy putting out fires in their lives and reacting to everything that's going on, and they just don't have a plan because they don't know that they have an opportunity to dream.
Most of us have only allowed ourselves to want from a place of scarcity. So every time we've wanted something or dreamed about something, it's because we're feeling a lack of it. And when we start dreaming about it, it actually causes us pain. People stop dreaming, because they don't want that contrast. They don't want to think about what they want, versus what it is that they really have in their life.
So my exercise for you this week is to list 25 things that you want. It can be anything from objects, to feelings, just brainstorm what comes to mind. I want you to list them down and start to understand that you can dream again. You can think of these things and it doesn't mean that you've got to go out and accomplish them. Many times, we get so scared about saying what we're dreaming about or letting our minds wander in dream again after infertility because we're so used to telling ourselves that we can't achieve what we want. This week I want you to list 25 things that you want, it can be anything. And once you have those 25 things identified, I want you to pick your top 5 priorities and put them into order from 1 - 5.
All right, so are we going to sit here and agree that we can dream again, we can create goals again, even if we're not mothers? These are some good exercises and some good questions that I've offered you here that can just help your mind start to flow again. Thank you for listening to Episode 26 - a milestone! I can't wait till we're at episode 52 and that will mark one year of us together.
As always, please continue to DM me with anything you want to hear about. And give me a rating and any type of review of my podcast I would so appreciate it because as you know, the more interaction I have from all of you, the more this podcast will show up in people's feed when they're searching for relief or help dealing with infertility. So have an awesome week and remember it is never too late to discover your meeting. Talk to you next week.
The next few episodes are going to be covering moving and change movement in our surroundings and the things that are around us. Because I've had moving on my mind. If you've been following on Facebook, I did a live last week talking about some of the anxiety and some of the anxiousness I've been having around moving. But my husband and I are moving out of our home and going into a condo and staying in Chicago. But anyway, it's the process of moving. The idea of moving sounds awesome and great, until you come down to the point where you have to pack and get everything situated and moved out. So that's the stage that we are in now. I wanted to share a little bit about some thoughts and some teachings that I've acquired through my certification at The Life Coach School, about things and clutter. And when you have clutter around you, how that is affecting the clutter that you have in your mind. So I have this closet that has been sort of my holding pattern for selling things online. I used to sell a lot of stuff on Poshmark and I am a Poshmark Ambassador. Before I found coaching, I would spend a lot of time building my presence on Poshmark and reselling some of my beautiful items that I've acquired. It was really a great thing to do at that point in my life. But I still have this closet of things that are listed that have not sold things that I keep telling myself I'm going to take photos of and post and sell and make money off these things that I don't wear anymore. Because when I lost my weight, my 25 plus pounds, when I was working with Corinne Crabtree, I had this closet full of clothes that I loved, that were beautiful that fit me at one point, but just don't fit me anymore. And I had a hard time just giving them away and getting them out of my house, so they just got thrown into this random closet that was stuffed full of shoes and clothes that don't fit anymore. And it was my goal yesterday that I was going to clean out that closet. If something didn't fit me, if something wasn't part of what I wanted to move forward in my new venture with, it was going to be cleaned out of this house. Yesterday was a super productive day; I had two of my best girlfriends come over, we did it together. And it was so helpful because one person stuffed stuff in her car and she dropped it off at a women's shelter. It was really important for me to give these items that I loved and had love for and loved parts of my life while I was wearing these things or had them on my body, I wanted to pass that energy on and give it to somebody that could absolutely benefit and maybe have a new beginning was something that I had in my life at one point so and then some stuff I am giving to a friend who could use some new items in their life. And then other stuff I donated to Goodwill. I feel really good about cleaning these things out. What I've come to notice is that the more we attach memories and past feelings and experiences with items, we just accumulate clutter and then we have anxiety when we look at these closets when we open that junk drawer and takes us half a minute to find a damn paperclip because your junk drawer is full of junk. Why do we allow that into our lives? So as I'm moving in editing things down, I'm starting to ask myself some very pointed questions about the things that I have in my life and being okay and giving myself permission to let go of things because we have this fear of scarcity and when we don't have abundance around us, we feel like there's something wrong with us. We feel like we might not have the right thing. We might want to wear that dress that we wore in a wedding 15 years ago, because we spent more money than we normally would on a piece of clothing. So we feel like we can't possibly throw that away, because we're throwing away our money. But what we're really doing is holding on to something that's holding us back. Because every time you look at that dress, you're frustrated, because it's still hanging in your closet, and you're waiting for that moment to come up that you might wear it. But if you just get rid of things that have no purpose in your life anymore, you're making room in the closet of your life for things to come in New beginnings to start new memories that you're going to create. So don't hold onto things for the hope that you'll use them again for hope that they'll bring back memories that you had when you were wearing that thing at one time or remembering the time you bought it and the feeling that you had when you purchased it. As long as we're holding on to things because it brings us to a place in our past, we're preventing ourselves from moving forward, and creating new things with our future. And I just want to offer that to you this week, as you're going through and maybe looking through a drawer of makeup samples. That's the other thing I went through, I had all of these samples of perfume, makeup testers of things that I kept saying, Oh, maybe I'll use it, when I travel, I'll put it in my suitcase, instead of putting a full size, something that I would normally use with my own home, I'll take the travel size, and it's been two years, and I still have these samples laying around. So I donated that to the women's shelter. And just think about the things that you have around you that aren't actively being used, and how you can provide them to somebody else. And maybe that is just the one thing that they are looking for. And something that's going to spark a new beginning for them, a new beginning of their life and how much you can provide to somebody by letting go of something in your life. So something I like to ask myself, when I look at items that I'm no longer wearing, no longer using anymore. I look at them and I say, “Would I buy that today?”, like truly, like if I went to Target, Macy's, Nordstroms, wherever, would I look at that item and say, Oh, I love that. I want that today, if you wouldn't buy it today, get rid of it. If it doesn't fit you if you're waiting for yourself to lose the weight. Or if you're holding on to clothes that don't fit you anymore, maybe because you've lost some weight. I know that was a lot of my story. Before I met Corinne Crabtree and became part of her membership. I had a lot of clothes I loved but now that they don't fit me, why am I holding on to something that doesn't fit me anymore? Is that giving me the mental space to say I'm going to gain my weight back? Am I waiting to gain my weight back. And those are things that I just think are so important to just let go of your life. And many of us think about this money that we have spent on things and maybe there's not a big free flow of money available to you. But you've spent that money already. So if you've spent the money, the item has been accumulated in having space taken up in your house for these last several years, but it's not being utilized. Tell yourself is that money you spent many years ago still affecting you now? And would you rather have a sense of freedom and a sense of fresh open space in front of you, instead of looking at this item that has been collecting dust and collecting space in your closet that you don't use anymore? You may be listening to me. I'm thinking oh, so I don't have the ability to just throw things out and buy new stuff. The point is, throw things out? And consider not necessarily needing to replace them? Can you live with less in your life?
Do you need to have all of these things around you? Because you're actually going to use them? Or are they serving some sort of emotional purpose in your life that maybe you've moved on from or maybe releasing that thing and giving that item that you're not using anymore? To somebody else for their fruition? Is that giving you an opportunity to then start to discover the new version of you that maybe would pick something differently? Or would it want to have something different in their surroundings? So I'm certainly not sitting here and, and making it seem like money is no option. Money is free falling for everyone because I know that's not the case. But all I'm saying is, when you start to get into the mental space of deciding what things you have in your surroundings and the things that you accumulate, you'll start to notice that when you go to the store, and for me, it was, you know, big for buffering, I talked about that in one of my earlier episodes about buffering, that I would go shopping. Because I was filling time with shopping, instead of feeling the loneliness that I would feel when I would go home to an empty house. And I accumulated a lot of random things from the corner aisles that target the clearance aisles that target clearance aisles at home goods. I mean, I've got gadgets for all these random things that I probably have never even found a use for. But they were on sale, they were on clearance. And I started to accumulate things. And now since I've had an opportunity to start managing my mind, I've started to stop myself from even buying these things. So as you start to do work on why you're accumulating things, you'll notice that as you're cleaning out, you'll get to a point when you're shopping, and you'll get really good at asking yourself, Is this something that I need, you'll start to recognize that buying something just because it's marked down because it's a good deal, because it's a designer brand, and you found it 70% off is not a reason to accumulate something. So if you can take something away from this week's episode, maybe think about an area in your home, in your kitchen, in your bathroom, in your office, in is there somewhere that you can start to just clear the clutter. And maybe it's as simple as just a drawer. Or maybe it's the closet, maybe it's the refrigerator. But just if you can find an opportunity to just focus on one thing at a time a drawer that every time you open you just like hate the fact that your life is a mess in your you're living in this shambles of disorganization and just tell yourself, you're going to take it one step at a time. And you maybe don't need 30 ink pens in your junk drawer. Maybe you don't need 42 paper clips that you don't use but once every six months. So that is my gospel for this week. It has I am continuing on my moving journey. We are moving in less than a month. So like I said the next couple of episodes I'm going to have some pretty insightful things about clearing the clutter out of your life and feeling gratitude for change in your life. Have an awesome weekend. Remember it is never too late to discover your meeting. Talk to you soon.
I want to talk a little bit about this transition that we go through, or this obstacles that it seems as though we're faced with. And for me, it took a long time to put these thoughts into words. I recently had a get together with a friend that I've known for a very long time, who doesn't live in the Chicagoland area. And he happened to be in town and we grabbed dinner the other night and just kind of got to talking about my coaching career, my transition in life and the way that I've been moving obstacles out of the way, and really discovering that a lot of the thoughts that I've been having, and the beliefs that I had about my life without children, how they were really keeping me feeling stuck, and feeling as though I did not have any other option but to feel like my life was just going to be dreadful. And that my future was not something I could really see myself dreaming of and being excited about. I loved our conversation, just really feeling like I uncovered some amazing things and was able to finally put into words some things that I harbored in my mind for so long.
When you become childless, not by choice, versus somebody who maybe already knew that she or he just didn't want to be a parent. They cognitively chose that for themselves. But for those of us that have issues with infertility and went through fertility treatments, and were unable to have children, we did not choose this path for ourselves. I know speaking from my own experience, I always envisioned children and motherhood in my life. And I really didn't plan for much beyond the motherhood part because I was just really looking forward to a future that was filled with milestones based on being a parent.
I also sometimes wonder if the men out there are going through this same thinking. I mean, do men attach their future to fatherhood as much as women do? For me, that's really what I planned on my future being full of
-being a parent and sending kids to school and off to college and having a wedding and grandchildren and watching them grow. And when we don't have the opportunity to embrace that and experience that it's, as I, I shared with my friend the other day, it's almost like, you get to the end of your fertility journey, when you don't achieve your goal of motherhood, there's just this mass of dead space that's staring back at you, when you're looking into your future, it can be super daunting to think about the remaining years of your life, you're feeling like you just really haven't had anything prepared for what you want your future to look like. But when you actually choose your future for yourself, you're able to decide what you want and what you want to fill your time. Well, what I'm starting to realize on my journey is that even though I have so much heartache and so much sadness around not being able to be a mom, and that it really for so long felt - really still to this day - feels like it really wasn't my choice. But when you're able to work your way through that weight that just lies on your chest and consider a possibility that you may love your life one day, and you may understand things about yourself in your mind that will offer you so much awareness in how you actively choose to live and experience your life.
Many of us with infertility have a really hard time forgiving ourselves for not being able to have a baby. So we really never allow ourselves to seek a silver lining in our lives. So many of us judge ourselves because we think that if we move to a point where we see ourselves, loving our future or see ourselves, loving our life Even though we don't have children, it's almost that we believe that we're not respecting the heartache and the helplessness and the feelings that we went through during our journey of fertility treatments, telling yourself that you can love yourself in your life and still keep a segment of loneliness and defeat in your heart. And that it can still coexist with this new life that you're creating. There's just such a liberty to know that you're not abandoning that woman that tried so hard to get pregnant and the woman that did everything she possibly could, you're not abandoning her because you're choosing to love your life and to create a future that you can love. Maybe if you're out there listening, and fertility is not part of your journey, but maybe it's a partner or a job or a promotion, that you're waiting to have happen to you so that you can feel that your life is complete, or that you can start to dream about a future because that portion of your life has a checkmark next to it.
I'm here to tell you that having those things aren't going to be what's magically completing you or your life or it's not the reason that you're going to love your life. Once you get to understand that regardless of what it is you are embarking upon in your life, you have the ability right now to choose or even start to identify what it is that you want your life to contain. And so many of us are afraid to really dream until we feel like we have all of the boxes checked of the things that are going to tell us that Okay, it's alright to dream right now. So I just I had this epiphany of thoughts of, we just need to give ourselves some time to pick what it is that we want in our future and how we want to live our lives. And what are some of the things that if we could just choose what we would have in our lives, if it's not going to be a child. And we can just tell ourselves, you can choose anything, it just can't be motherhood or a child because we know that that part of our life is not where we are right now.
Give yourself the liberty of just starting to dream a little bit about what you would want. And what you would have if you didn't have any hindrances, or if you didn't have any roadblocks.
Where do you envision yourself being?
What do you see yourself doing?
Who do you surround yourself with?
What do you look like?
When you see yourself, how do you envision the best version of you?
What are you wearing?
What's the look on your face?
How do you appear to yourself.
Once you get to have a stronger understanding of who that version of you is, you can start to set your goals for how you're going to get there. But as long as we're telling ourselves that there's this black mass in front of us that seems to be this future. And we didn't want to have to choose and we didn't want to have to plan and we didn't want to have to envision who we would be. But the opportunity we have to do this, you will start to see is such a gift. And I'm not saying that people with children don't have this opportunity to do this for themselves. They absolutely do. But so many of us just hang our hats on motherhood and children and those milestones related to parenthood as being what our future is full of.
I am here to tell you that the opportunity we have to choose deliberately for ourselves, what we want is such a gift. You don't have to trade wanting to have been a mother or the years that you put into fertility treatments and those heartaches; you don’t have to wash it away and be grateful that you went through it. But if you can just keep a little segment of your heart that you know that's always going to be with you. But looking back at it, having that retrospective view of who you were in what you did is the thing that gets you to the next version of you is really going to be such a gift. So short and sweet this week, just take an opportunity to just close your eyes and start to dream. Who would you be if there were no obstacles? What would you look like and what would you be doing? Who would you be surrounding yourself with? What do your surroundings look like? Are you living in your current home? Are you living in your current geographical state and just start to dream from there? So I hope you have a wonderful time with this practice. I hope you're doing your paper thinking and taking some BFAs and looking at your beliefs, your feelings and your actions in your paper thinking this week, and really allowing yourself to dream about your future again. Have an awesome week and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. Talk to you soon.
Thanks for joining us back at the So Now What Podcast. And this brings me to the culmination of what I would call a mini lesson. If you're part of my membership, or a client of mine, you know that I like to segment my content and teach it to you in a lesson form so that each week you can build on something and implement it in your life. So this is the combination of some pretty important foundational things that we learn in my life coaching practice is really the basis of how you're going to make the changes in your life in order to move from feeling a lot of self doubt, a lot of sorrow and sadness around not being able to have a child and taking the life that you've been given and deciding to transform it and become the next best version of yourself as a woman without children. This week, we're going to talk about the Believe, Feel, Act cycle, the BFA cycle, which sounds kind of similar to a “BFN”, for those of us that have been through IVF cycles and transfers, many of us have gotten used to the BFN. But this is the BFA, we're taking big freakin action in our Believe, Feel, Act cycles. This cycle that I'm going to teach you about will help you to understand your current beliefs, and then give you the power to create new beliefs.
What you let yourself believe about your infertility in your childlessness is really what's going to create your future. And the Believe, Feel, Act cycle is how your brain processes anything that you encounter in the world. So as a review of our last couple episodes, which if this is your first episode you're catching, I would advise you to go back starting with episode 20, 21 & 22. And just kind of listen in on those and build every week on what the content is that we're covering off on. And then this will be kind of like that cherry on top. As we've gone through before and discussed. Everything that goes on outside of us, is the collection of facts and circumstances. And it's all super boring until our brain creates a belief about what's going on. So some of those boring facts in the world are your age, the number of IVF cycles, you've been through things people say or don't say to you how much money you make, all of these things have absolutely zero meaning to you until you have a belief about them. And as we talked about in Episode 21, your brain is designed to judge and come up with the negative first because it is a defense mechanism that we have compiled throughout the 1000s of years ago, when we used to have to protect ourselves and we were living in this much different environment than we live in today. So if you went through 7 years of fertility treatments and didn't have a child, you might be believing something like, “My future is gonna suck”, or you could believe, “My future is going to look a lot different than I thought, but I'm committed to creating a future I love”. The brain just goes along all day, having and creating beliefs for everything that it sees and experiences in the world. So it's actually quite simple. You have a belief about something that you experience in the world. And that belief creates a feeling inside of you like confused, disappointed or possibly excited. And based on how you feel you decide what action you will or won't take each day as a result of what you are believing and feeling. And that's basically the “Believe-Feel-Act” cycle. So how do you implement this into your life each day? The most important thing to do is your paper thinking because when you paper think you're going to give yourself pages of beliefs, pages of feelings, and actions that You did or didn't take. What you likely won't have, however, is very many facts. Because frankly, most of our lives are pretty boring. People say words, women are infertile babies are born, you weigh a certain amount. And our facts have no feelings. And they don't mean much unless you add in opinions, assessments of good and bad, and adjectives. I suggested in a previous episode that when you're working on identifying what the facts of your life are, versus your beliefs, that you go through your paper thinking, and circle the facts in your journal, and it will become super simple. When you circle your facts, read them back to yourself out loud. And if you could read those words in a court of law, and everyone would agree that they are factual and that they happened, then you have a fact. But if you read them back, and it seems snoozy and boring, you have facts. Because reminder, facts are not emotional, interesting, exciting or colorful. When you read your facts about your day or your past, if someone's on the edge of their seat or begging you to tell them more, you have not stripped it back enough to have a fact just yet. So here's an indication if you're doing it right. If after you get your facts circled, and you feel like you need to explain them, or you're feeling a little bit heated or let down when you review them, you've got a bit more paring down to do, because the most challenging part of looking at the facts, is realizing how much we embellish our life with our thinking. But once you get to the core and have some facts, we're going to be ready to put your thinking through a Believe, Feel, Act Cycle, you might have facts, like,
I couldn't have kids,
I got an invitation to a baby shower,
My best friend is pregnant. And next, you want to find one belief that you have about your fact. So here's a few examples of other common thoughts we have about ourselves and about our lives in general,
I'll never be good enough,
I've got nothing to look forward to.
Life isn't fair.
If they really loved me, they wouldn't do these things to me. Additionally, these are also beliefs,
Everything's gonna be okay,
I can figure this out.
We'll get through this. Your beliefs include all of your negative and positive self talk.
So I call my negative self talk, my Lost Girl Thinking, or “LGT”. It's the collection of things that I believed about myself during and after the conclusion of my fertility treatments. And I found that naming it has helped me to hear it better, and really know that it's just a bunch of beliefs that I can let go of at any moment.
The next thing that you can do is ask yourself, “When I believe that thought, how do I feel?”, and you'll see that on your journal pages.
Every belief has a feeling or an emotion attached to it.
Some very common feelings are happy, sad, angry, confident, overwhelmed, or excited. And the last part of the Believe - Feel - Act Cycle is action. Because when you have a belief pop into your mind, it makes you feel a certain way. And based on how you're feeling, you'll either take, or not take action. And the reason it's important for you to see this is that many of us have spent our lives blaming how we feel, on the things you do ON the world. And it's been frustrating for you because when something outside of you has to change for your life to be better than you feel like you have to control the world or give up and feel like junk. And the truth is most of us were really never taught that we are in control of our emotional life. And we get to decide what we want to believe. And when we take control over our beliefs and feelings. We can do things that we never thought were possible. There will be no more thinking that people make you feel bad. And you'll know that if you feel bad, it's your choice. And it's not because of someone or something else. I teach my clients how to take control over their beliefs about their life, so they can feel better and do better for themselves.
When I was miserable and blaming a 25 pound weight gain on my fertility medications that I hadn't taken in 4 years, I started paying attention to what was going on through my mind. I did paper thinking, and I started to listen to my mind.
I caught myself believing that I would never truly live a life I loved because I wasn't a mom.
I was telling myself that all of my failed cycles meant something was wrong with me, and that
I would never know love because I couldn't experience having a child of my own.
I truly believed that I was an awful person for feeling envious of people around me that were having babies.
It was no wonder that loving my life felt so hard when I was focused on thinking about failure all of the time. And really, it dawned on me that I had to quit believing, like the Lost Girl version of me, I needed to question my beliefs, instead of believing them, I owed it to myself to truly see my beliefs instead of just thinking this way. And soon, it became simple each time an old lgt came through. And I asked myself, if that was really true, I started to realize and started to challenge myself to really think on it. And I somehow was able to prove this old crappy belief system wrong. And that's when I just started, started to look at my current beliefs and simply asked myself, could I believe something new, and I decided to start using beliefs like, I can figure this out, instead of this will be so hard, or thoughts like one decision at a time, instead of this won't be enough or one day at a time, instead of I have so far to go. My old beliefs felt so true. And I could argue it was true. So many things that I believed seemed so true to me, because I believed them for so long. But it felt horrible.
I just did not want to argue for crappy beliefs anymore. I wanted to argue for the new Lana, for the new me. And arguing for me had such a payoff and arguing for my old junk, just dug deeper holes for me. So when you download The Guide to Loving Your Life Again, and use the Journal prompts I offer you, this is how I want you to do it, it's going to be super simple. I want you to take one of the journal prompts and write about it. And just circle the facts each day, after you're done with your paper thinking. And it's gonna teach your brain how to find the facts in your story. And then once you get good at that on paper, you'll start to do it in your daily life, just like when you're thinking about things. And it's so transformative when you get the hang of it. And you can stop yourself and ask:
What would I rather believe?
How would I like to feel?
What are some of the actions I would rather take or not take?
You might not be ready to start believing new things right away. But just getting good at seeing that there's a new way of believing helps you to realize that your current beliefs aren't the only truth out there. It will give you a ton of relief and hope. And just a word of caution. I've mentioned this before that when you start thinking in realizing what you're believing about yourself, you may want to judge yourself for the amount of unhelpful beliefs that are swirling in your brain. But please do not feel bad about it. We all have them. And it's okay.
I just want you to start paying attention to your beliefs. And I want you to decide which beliefs you want to keep and what you don't. And please don't be in a rush to change your beliefs right away. The goal is not to feel better right away. It's to have an understanding of your beliefs, so that you can feel anything you want on purpose, even negative emotion. And some days you just are going to feel bad and that's part of the human experience. But you will start to create evidence for yourself that at any time, you don't want to feel bad, you can just have the power to change the belief you have in your mind.
This is the culmination of one of the most powerful and transformative lessons that I was taught.
I suggest you listen to this a few times to discover the things that you might have missed. Because there's a lot of information I'm providing you today and within the last couple episodes. And you might even come back to this lesson every couple of weeks as you get more practice with the Believe - Feel - Act Cycle.
So get to Paper thinking and examining your brain. You are going to be so glad you have this skill. It's the backbone to loving your life again in creating a future full of meaning and abundance. And remember, it's never too late to discover your meeting. Have a super week. Thank you for listening to The “So Now What?” Podcast. If you are looking to love your life again, download my free Guide to Loving your Life Again at Stitchcoaching.com or you can go to my Instagram @stitchcoaching and you'll find it in my bio.
This week we’re going to learn how to pull out the facts in your story so you can create new and powerful thoughts that motivate you to take action towards your goals.
In episode 20 of the So Now What Podcast we focused on identifying what is true and what is just a thought.
This is an important distinction to make because you will often have thoughts that you believe are 100 percent true and factual, however the majority of the thoughts we think are not actual facts!
In Episode 21 we talked about why our mind takes us to the negative thoughts that keep us from wanting to take action. It is because your brain has evolved to keep you safe. Its main job for the past thousands and thousands of years has been to look for danger, avoid it, and survive. Because of that repetition in thinking, our brains have become conditioned to cycle everything we perceive through a filter based on our past experiences. That creates a neural pathway, basically a shortcut our mind uses - to work more efficiently.
This means that after our fertility treatments end, many of us can spend years of our lives playing negative soundtracks about how terrible our life is and how depressing and empty our future seems because we don’t have kids. These thoughts repeat over and over without us spending a single second questioning the truth of those stories.
As we do this work on our awareness and of these tired old stories and perceptions, we will get really good at boiling them down to the bare facts and consciously teaching your brain that it can totally attach a new story to the same facts. The better you get at identifying the true facts of your life, the easier the thought work I’m teaching you will become.
To recap, what is a fact?
A fact is anything that is going on outside of you - your age, the number of IVF cycles you have been through, the number of people you know that are pregnant, you received and invite to a baby shower.
Facts are things that can be measured and things that were said that no one can question. Think about things that would hold up in a court of law. These are the kinds of facts that we want to get good at identifying.
Facts, when stated, are not good or bad on their own. They just are statements, numbers, dates, until we attach our own thoughts and meaning to them.
As we’ve talked about before, facts are boring and drama free!
When you review a list of facts should feel like more like reading a dusty car manual than a tabloid of a magazine. And second, Your facts on their own will be totally neutral — not good or bad. That means that whatever you identify as your fact, needs to stand up in court. It needs to be non-emotional so you can decide what it is you want to think with your conscious brain.
Facts are always boring sentences - no embellishments, adjectives, or judgements. This is going to feel awkward at first because your brain is so used to processing fast and using your past to create your present.
When you are paperthinking and rewriting the facts will help yourself slow down and really get to the heart of what is true.
An easy test when you’re trying to check whether something is a thought or fact is to read the sentence aloud and see if it causes you to get emotional. When something is a fact, we don’t get emotional about it.
When something is a thought, there’s an emotional attachment.
Facts don’t hurt or feel good until the human brain attaches a sentence to it. If think you’re getting emotional over a fact, there’s likely a hidden thought to uncover beneath it.
For example, here’s one of my favorites, someone tells you, ”you can always adopt” and you might find yourself feeling hurt. Your brain tells you that the words made you feel bad. But that’s not true. Your THOUGHTS about the words made you feel bad. The easiest way to find out is to ask yourself “What thought am I thinking based on these words is causing me to feel what I’m feeling?” Then listen to the answer your brain gives you.
I’ve coached on this topic before. The thought commonly attached to those words is something like “I felt judged for not pursuing adoption,” or “I feel like people don’t think I tried everything I could to be a mom.”
It’s so important to know the fact does not cause the emotion, it’s the thought you have about it. As you get good at training your brain to believe that you can have that same fact be true and you can generate new thoughts that don’t cause feelings that aren’t useful to you.
Now, you might hear yourself saying — I already know the facts of my life — Nothing goes right for me, I waited too long to have kids, and I’m the only unlucky one in my group of friends who couldn’t get pregnant.
Those thought loops are what get in the way of creating a future that you love. Your brain loves to go the past for evidence of your previous failures and challenges ans tells you what you can’t or shouldn’t do, and makes up imaginary rules of what is and isn’t possible for women without children.
Let’s break them down so you can start to see what some of this thinking looks like in your life.
“Nothing ever works for me” is a great example of using the past to try to predict the future. One of my mentors always says, your past is a great teacher, but it’s not a fortune teller.
Ask yourself, is this really true? Probably not — I highly doubt you’ve never had one outcome come to fruition in your life . So let’s make this factual. Here are 3 of mine: “I did 7 rounds of IUI. I went though 4 cycles of IVF. I don’t have a child.
That might be just enough to keep me from feeling stuck in an endless thought cycle.
Once we get factual, we can go a step further — is this fact useful for me? How does the number of rounds of IVF play a role in my life right now?
THIS is where we go to our paper thinking and expand on intentional, targeted questions.
Sidenote: If you need help finding intentional and targeted questions, I got your covered. Download your Guide to Loving Your Life Again and I offered you up 7 days of Journal prompts. Taking time each day to do paper thinking helps to get at the heart of what we are thinking and feeling about the facts of our past, rather than just letting crusty old thoughts like “Who’s going to take care of me when I am old” run amok in the back of our heads.
Now let’s take a look at another common thought in our community “My body is broken”
Are you getting the hang of this that “broken” isn’t very factual - it’s kinda dramatic which means it can’t stay in the fact pile.
For some of you, saying “I couldn’t get/stay pregnant” is factual but generates lots of triggering thoughts for you, and that is OK. Those are the ones we do our work with and many time offer us our greatest breakthroughs.
Our brain just wants to trick us into thinking we will never be happy or able to love and embrace a life without children — our whole identity becomes how defeated we are by our infertility, or how much shame we have that our body didn't do what “it was supposed to”, and we waste time in worry about what is wrong with rather than discovering the actions we want to take to change our lives. As complex as sour brain is, it likes repetition and simplicity, so you thinking new thoughts and believing new things about your future are going to make it so some extra work
The way I teach my clients to think is always focused on the present and your future self.
I find this to be more useful because it’s much easier to have thoughts that are future-focused on your success and where you’re going rather than trying to come up with answers based on the past.
It takes daily, deliberate practice to find facts, and weather you are part of out So Now What Sisterhood or not, I give you tons of opportunities to discover the facts that are generating the negative and useless thoughts that get in the way of keeping you from creating a future you dream of anf a life that you love. That's why I will always prompt you to start digging into the thoughts that lead to your facst.
We always want to start with the facts first and observe the thoughts from there.
So here’s what I’m asking you to do going forward — Each day I want you listening like your life depends on it, for thoughts you have about you, your body, and your infertility journey.
Even just catching one a day teaches your brain to start recognizing that not everything you think is automatically true.
Your best work happens when you write things down. Don’t just catch the thought and try to wish it away or forget about it. Write it down - maybe on a post-it, text it to yourself or open the notes app in your phone - just record it somewhere and paper think on it later.
Recognize and celebrate yourself just for hearing the thoughts, even if you don’t like them or if they don’t feel great. We’ll cover off on different ways to change your negative feelings in future episodes, but being able to observe your thoughts is always the first step.
If you’re shutting down before you allow yourself to your hear thoughts and figure out the true facts, you miss out on that opportunity. And if you’re not catching the thought in real-time, do not freak out. It takes practice. What you can do instead is go to the back of your paper thinking and use the prompts I give you in the Guide.
If you made it though those and want more, DM me and I will give you all kinds of good questions about your beliefs, thought patterns, and how you’re showing up in the world.
When you practice recognizing what the facts really are versus the thoughts, you give yourself the gift of looking at your life from a neutral place.
We spend time with the facts to give ourselves an opportunity to look at the situation without all the judgements.
Most of the time, you will see that you have pulled together a whole lot of painful thoughts over some words that someone said, and the outcome of a cycle, but your past has nothing to do with how you could be showing up today.
The gift you give yourself is getting to decide what you will think about your facts on purpose.
Have a great week and gift yourself some time to recognize and clean up those facts in your paper thinking. And remember, its never too late to discover your meaning.
Why is it so hard to think ‘Positively”?
When we start to become aware of the thoughts/stories we have vs the facts, it can be easy to judge yourself. To be embarrassed that you are thinking the thoughts you are thinking about things that are facts. When you realize that you don’t have to think about a circumstance the way you always have or were raised or conditioned to, there's a sense of liberation. For me a sense of rebirth.
Even knowing what I know now about thought work, I don’t know that I would have been able to be as deliberate about my thoughts in the midst of my treatment. I know there are coaches out there that do work with women while preparing for and going through treatments, I am sure they do amazing work, but I have gotten to the point in my journey that I am able to look back at all that I endured physically and emotionally and can be so grateful to my past because of what I have learned about myself through that experience. I realize now that I can truly love and honor my past. Without my past I couldn’t be here now. I am so proud of who I was then even though I never recognized it.
I found myself being judgmental of my mind for thoughts I used to think about myself and my body’s inability to conceive and produce a child; the things I believed that were causing me to feel lacking and helpless. There’s a few early episodes in the So Now What podcast where I share very personal recollections of thoughts I had about my worthiness because I could not be a mom. People will be like, I had no clue you thought those things or were feeling that way. I always thought you had this amazing life. You never talked about having infertility so I just assumed you and Jack were living this awesome life and traveling and free. It's amazing how we people perceive on thing and we are thinking and feeling the total opposite. Are we broken and downers because we have these crappy thoughts about our circumstances and facts in our lives?
Your brain has evolved to survive. Its main job for the past thousands and thousands of years has been to look for danger, avoid it, and survive.
Think of us crossing a street. Living in Chicago,I don't know that I would ever run out into traffic without taking caution, but take someone that isnt used to an urban environment …not everyone would be as aware or have a mind that says, Lana you should really not cross the street until the Walk sign is lit up, so I pause at an intersection and observe the traffic
All this to say, we condition our minds and bodies to think and respond according to repition and past experiences.
Neural pathways are created in our brain based on habits and behavior.
Most often you may notice that when you are presented with an opportunity or experience that is out of our norm, we hesitate. When it comes time to make a conscious, deliberate choice, our thoughts commonly go to the negative; into survival mode.
Have you noticed that?
The brain's like,
This will never work.
What if you aren’t successful?
Your body is broken.
You look fat.
You're probably not going to make it.
You are disorganized.
All the negative things that your brain automatically does is because your brain is functioning properly. Your brain is programmed for negativity because it's programmed to look for what's wrong, look for danger, look for things that could kill us, and interpret most things as things that can kill us.
So we end up running around with a lot of stress, and a lot of frustration, and a lot of fear, and a whole lot of doubt around what we are capable of.
Our brain wants us to do that because it wants to keep us alive.
It wants us to be afraid of things outside.
It wants us to doubt our abilities, so we don't go out and put ourselves at risk.
But what that ends up doing is creating a lot of negative thinking here as the way we're encountering our circumstances.
If you can imagine, circumstances back in the way, old, caveman days we used to be much more dangerous. We needed that survival thinking all of the time, just to keep ourselves nourished, and in a pack, and alive.
But here we are all these years later.
We’ve got homes with locks and alarm systems, Ring cameras to see if there is a stranger at our doors, AC. We've got transportation. We operate, in comparison, in a pretty safe environment. We get food delivered with Uber eats, doordash. We can jump in the car and go get food whenever we want. We have grocery stores.
But our brain is still looking for danger.
But you don’t need to be as cautious. The neural pathways set in our brain spark so many thoughts that keep us from living and feeling fulness in our lives. The good news is, you can modify that whenever you are ready. It all starts out by noticing our thinking.
Not to change it.
This is where I want you to look at one of your journal prompts in the guide to Loving your life again,
Read through your paper thinking . Spend a few minutes with your response to that prompt and just notice that certain thoughts and stories are optional and that the facts of our story are neutral so you can become aware of how powerful you really are.
You will start to see the effect of your thinking on their feelings, actions, and results.
And once you get good at identifying your facts from your stories, you can decide, "Do I want to keep thinking this? "
How does this thought make me feel”?
Does this thought inspire me to take action that will propel to a place or a goal I am looking to achieve?
our thoughts are so automatic, they don't feel like choices. In my coaching practice, I give my clients the option to send me their paper thinking if they wish. What we have found useful is to underline all the facts and circle all the thoughts/stories.
It’s a great way to visually see the difference in the ratio between the two.
As we become better aware of the two, oftentimes during the situation, during the circumstance you will see that you can pause and ask yourself, "Wait a minute, I'm having a thought right now." And your awareness, all of a sudden, becomes present-moment instead of just being after the fact.
The more attention we give to our thoughts you will see how you can start being preventative. You can start anticipating situations, and planning your thinking, and being much more deliberate ahead of time..
We want to turn everything to rainbows and daisies and never encounter a down day. We have been taught that we're supposed to be happy, that we're supposed to feel good most of the time, but that just isn’t reality. But the gratifying opportunity I have as a coach is that I teach my clients how to become aware of their mind and aware of how much power you have when you are aware of what you're thinking and how it's affecting how you are feeling each day. Though that awareness you will see a direct correlation through the results you are seeing in your life. And through this practice you will have the ability to love yourself and create a future that you love because you have the freedom and skill of choosing deliberately. I venture to believe that through that you will live each day with a greater and more positive outlook.
If you have yet to, download The Guide to Loving Your Life again. It’s available on my website, totally free, no strings attached at Stitchcoaching.com.
Have a beautiful week and remember it is never too late to discover your meaning.
Let's talk about stories (thoughts) versus facts (circumstances).
Because we lived it, many of us can share a story about our infertility. All of us think that our stories are true.
We think that we are just relaying the information about our stories in a way that seem right to us. They're just observations about our experiences. We don't understand that the way that we interpret the world is not true to everyone.
The only place that the truth exists is in our mind. And the truth and what we believe is true, becomes the truth in our life.
You've heard many stories of two people experiencing the same event, observing the same event—maybe from their childhood, maybe from a crime scene, maybe from something that happened and you ask each of them to tell you what happened.
They each tell the truth about what happened, and yet, there are two very different accounts. Say they each get a lie detector test. Neither one of them is lying.
Which one is the truth?
How do we know what the truth is?
Does the truth exist outside of those people, or does the truth exist in each of us in different ways?
What I want to offer is that the truth exists differently in each of us.
What determines the truth is not some place out there that we're going to find. It's actually what we choose to believe. And all of that is going to happen right here inside of us and in our lives. This is where all of your agency is.
This is where all of your choice is.
This is where all of your power is.
None of your power exists in circumstances.
Circumstances are just boring, neutral things that exist out there that don't mean anything.
There's no colorful adjectives or language in a circumstance.
If a circumstance to you is negative, that's because of your thoughts about it. Otherwise, it's completely neutral, and all circumstances are neutral.
If I ask you to tell me about a negative circumstance.
What I mean is a circumstance that you're interpreting as negative because there's no such thing as a negative circumstance.
Keep with me here. I want you to think right now, There is something happening in the world. Someone is dying. Someone is being abused. Someone is being hurt right now. At this very moment, that circumstance that is happening somewhere out in the world is neutral to us. We are not affected by that circumstance right now.
Is that circumstance happening? Yes.
Is it affecting us in a negative way? No. And why is it not?
Because before I brought it up, we weren't thinking about it We weren't aware of it happening, but it was going on. So therefore, it is happening—there are people starving right now; there are people being abused; there are people being tortured; there are people being hurt right now—but it's not affecting us. We're not experiencing it because we're not thinking about it. Now, that's an easy way to think about it.
Now, let's bring it a little closer to home. Let's say someone died. Say that person actually died a few days ago, say last week Thursday. Their death is (a circumstance) is neutral. If someone hadn't told you it happened and you get the news days later, its neutral. You don't yet know that it's happened. It hasn't touched you here yet, even though that person died last Thursday.
When it exists out in the world and hasn’t reached you yet, their death remains neutral until you have a thought about it, when someone tells you about it.
And how you choose to think about that death will determine all of feelings you have.
People dying, people getting divorced, negative pregnancy tests, an embryo with a chromosomal abnormality, all of it is neutral until we have a thought about it.
And THEN we start affecting our lives with the circumstances.
Without consciousness, without thoughts, everything is just neutral. Everything just is.
Let me give you this example: My Reproductive Endocrinologist called me to tell me my frozen embryo had been tested and had trisomy 16. It would never make it to a full term pregnancy. That sequencing of that embryo was in existence for months before I was even aware of it, but I didn’t know. I may have carried hope in that embryo for all those months preceding that phone call, but the embryo was still the same. It had Trisomy 16.
I had so much angst and devastation by the results that were shared with me, but someone else may not. Someone could feel grateful and think, thank goodness I know this now and I didn’t have to go through with a transfer that would end up in a miscarriage.
That doesn’t mean that there would be high fives about the news, but it is a way to see how a circumstance (this phone call with results from my RE) can create different emotions depending on the way someone thinks about the words shared with them..
The circumstance means nothing until we have a thought about it.
Why does all of this matter?
Each day we have lots of emotion and lots of stories. And what I want you to know is what is going on in your mind, your thoughts, is creating the experiences in your life.
I often find that when my beautiful clients start out working with me, they look at a circumstances as the cause of their feelings, and want to change their circumstance, but working with a LCS certified coach I will help you see your mind and how you're thinking about your facts. And how to separate out the facts from the thoughts.
You CAN learn to identify what are the facts of this that no one would argue with. The indisputable facts that everyone in the world would agree has happened.
Everything is the way that you're interpreting it, the way you're thinking about it. And when you can separate those two things out, something magical happens.
There's more than one way to think about things that happen.
There's more than one way to interpret a circumstance which doesn't mean that the way youre thinking about it is wrong or should only seek to cause positive emotion.
That's not what I’m saying.
I’m saying that the way you are thinking about it should be deliberate because most of the time, what happens is we go into knee-jerk default mode with our brains.
Ar you searching to learn how to love your life again after infertility and IVF treatments have ended? It's something I hear so commonly from my clients, “I want to love my life again”. I know it sounds so innocent, and it sounds so helpful and healing and navigating infertility and the months and the years we've focused on having a baby can really pull us away from enjoying our life. I'm absolutely not here to tell anyone differently, because it seems as though we put our life on hold to have a baby. And this happiness meter within us just stops at our first cycle and then we get lost in the process of using cycles and retrievals and transfers and bloodwork and test results as the litmus test for our worth. It's what we form our opinion of ourselves off of and when our treatment ends, we have just this scorecard that we've used to gauge the love we have for ourselves and the love we have for our bodies. When we finish our treatments, and we’ve ended up failing fertility treatments, we've kept this as our definer for who we are and what we're worth, and how we're thinking and feeling about ourselves. We just assume that having that baby is what would give us the golden ticket to loving our lives, but it really isn't. It may seem like a useful thought to have and one that seems so true. You'll know if it's useful to you by identifying how are you feeling right now?
How are you thinking about your life?
How are you feeling about your life?
If it's not the optimal way that you want to feel, you'll know it's because of the thoughts that you are choosing, but the great news is you have the ability to choose different reasons for why you love your life. This is something I probably work on most with my clients in the beginning, is deciding that having a baby after IVF is not your golden ticket to happiness. And it certainly can't be the one thing that you use to determine if you're going to love yourself or not. By no means am I discounting the disappointment in the sadness that comes along with the inability to achieve your goal of motherhood, but you are choosing to give away the ability to love the woman you are, the strength you show each day and the 100 (actually probably 1000s) of things you've accomplished and achieved, all based on this one outcome in your life. There is absolutely a period of time we need to just grieve the loss of being a mom and the concept of being a mom and the life that we thought we would have. In my opinion, I believe it's healthy to have that grieving period, but there is an opportunity to move past that grief;we just aren't taught how. That brings me to the one question I get most from my clients and the folks that have reached out to me to identify a plan for themselves to start loving their life again is;
How can I possibly feel better?
How can I possibly love my life?
My answer is so simple, and it's 2 words: Decide to! That is it.
The amazing gift we have as humans is to choose the thoughts we want or don't want to have. It seems so basic and people hear me say “decide to” and they're kind of like, huh??? Yes, it's truly an option you have. It really is that easy and that accessible to you. We just rarely encounter people that tell us about it. Unless you're working with a life coach, we just truly don't think that we have a choice in the matter that you don't have a child and you live the rest of your life without a child and you're just doom and gloom, we have this thought in our mind that that's what our life is supposed to be like, when we fail fertility treatments. And when I started working with a coach, I was like, what? I can actually love my life after IVF I can really love a life without a child?? Yes! Yes, my love. You absolutely can. It all starts with noticing the thoughts we have in our mind. That is the core of my basis of my coaching practice and the methodology I have taught and I've been taught is causal coaching, that the thoughts we think, cause the feelings that we have. So that is the 101 in my teaching and the work I do with my clients. My clients get so good at becoming aware of the thoughts that they're having. We commonly start out in the beginning, identifying our thoughts when we're doing paper thinking or journaling. If you're new to my podcasts, paper thinking is my synonym for journaling. Once you've captured what your thoughts are, you then can get to work on deciding how those thoughts are serving you. Do they feel good when you repeat them? Your body will let you know. Understanding where you feel things in your body is such an overlooked response we have, and a nudge and a notion that we have within ourselves. That's something else that I work on a lot with my clients.
If you identify a thought, and you stand in front of a mirror, and repeat that thought to you, how are you feeling when you say it? Is there a tightness in your throat? I know for me, sometimes I'll have this feeling in my chest, like I just can't get a deep full breath. And I'm kind of talking, but my voice doesn't sound strong, it just sounds maybe a little bit weak and not purposeful. So you'll get to know by how your body feels when you repeat these thoughts to yourself.
How are you feeling? When you hear that thought? What feelings come up for you? Sometimes your thoughts are really, really sneaky little suckers. They roll through us and we just think it is what it is. It's just how we think. It's what people who don't have kids think; anyone who's been through what we have been through would absolutely think the same way that we do, but it is not true. Because I exist. I have gone from that shift of looking in the mirror and feeling like my life was gonna suck forever, because I wasn't able to have a child. But I have done so much work on myself.
It's my life's purpose to offer that to you and to the clients that I work with. We have our stories of infertility, and we have our stories of childlessness. But we decided that we didn't want to feel lost or helpless anymore. It all started with noticing what thoughts we were thinking.
Next week, I am going to help you start to identify the difference between a thought and a circumstance. If you don't know the difference, you're not alone. I had no clue myself. And a lot of times we have thoughts that we just think are facts. They're just things that happen in our life and things we go through. In next week's episode I am going to teach you something that is going to just rock your world!!!
You are going to look at your paper thinking for the week and I am going to teach you the difference between a thought and a circumstance. If you have no clue what I'm talking about, I can't wait for you to join next week. So do your paper thinking this week, just start to get curious what's coming up for you. Do not censor it, do not judge it. Never judge your paper thinking it is truly a mirror into your soul. You can write down whatever it is you're thinking and feeling, and the things that are going on for you and not have judgment. You will make so much progress and can absolutely learn to love your life again.
Before you leave me I have a huge favor to ask of you. Whether you are listening to this podcast on Apple or Spotify or Amazon, whatever you're listening to it on, would you do me the biggest favor? Would you please rate my podcast? And leave me a comment? Let me know what you think of the podcast. You know, everything these days is on algorithms and searches and all that stuff. So the more feedback people give and interact with my podcasts, so regardless, if you're listening on Apple or Spotify, or Amazon, the more interaction I have from listeners will help others find the podcast and if you found this podcast helpful to you, or a friend has recommended it, please just help me out with a feedback. I'd really appreciate it.
Have an awesome week. Never stop believing that you can discover your meaning. I can't wait to hear what you come up with in your paper thinking for this week. Have a great one. Bye
I am so exceptionally grateful for the community that has followed me on this journey that's encouraged me on this journey and has watched me grow in 2021. For many I know it was such an exceptionally challenging year. And for me, it was as well. But I chose at the end of this year to go through and list. Everything that I tried, accomplished, thought about, took a stab at - literally everything that I did in 2021.
If you haven't done it yet, it's not too late to do it. But seriously, take an opportunity to look at everything that you did in 2021. Do not let that go without acknowledgement. Don't allow yourself to flip a new page on a calendar, add a new number at the end of your year, without going back and recognizing all of the amazingness that you accomplished this year. No matter where you are right now, I know that you took some brave steps. I know you made some tough decisions. And you ended up in the spot where you're supposed to be here in 2022.
Let's start thinking about what you want your word to be for 2022. This is an exercise I took my clients through these last couple of weeks, I'd love the opportunity to share with you some of the amazing words that were chosen by the beautiful and amazing and strong women I'm so fortunate to work with in my coaching practice.
Rich.
I want to have richer experiences, deeper relationships, enrich myself, have rich evenings and weekends by myself, with my husband, with our family.
Breathe.
Breathe when I'm being tested. Breathe. When I feel overwhelmed with duties align. I want to take one step at a time reorganizing my home to find peace and feel realigned an understanding and guarding my mind.
Intentional.
I'll strive to be intentional with my family relationships, work actions, fitness. If I do all things with intention, sincerity will be expressed and will ultimately have an impact. Just don't go through the motions in life be intentional.
Change.
I want to make changes in my life. No more working 15-hour days, change my life so I can travel.
Upgrade.
I'm working on upgrading my life, improving my environment, and the contents of my wardrobe. I'm going to upgrade and choose quality over quantity to give myself an upgrade. I want to read good books and listen to good music and upgrade over just reading websites and not having a soundtrack.
Confidence.
I want to have and feel confidence for the decisions I made and for the future that I have living as a woman without children.
So those are just some ideas of words and descriptors of why those words were chosen by these amazing clients I work with. I wanted to share mine with you because mine is really going to shape where I take the future of stitchcoaching.com and 2022; I chose the word
LOVE.
Love is such an interesting word because it can be interpreted in so many ways. There are so many instances in my life that it's easy to feel love. But the ones that I really want to work on are the circumstances in my life that I find it challenging to Love, and 2022 I am going to be working a lot with my clients about love and how to love your life again, when I think about the things that I want to work on when it comes to love is having love for me, love for my past, love for my challengers love for my thoughts, love for my future. Love is one of those things that we a lot of times have conditions on. We love somebody if they're acting a certain way towards us. We love ourselves, if we're achieving the things that we expect, we should. We love our past, if we look back on it and feel proud, love can be such a challenging word in the fact that we put so many conditions on love, love for ourselves, love for our partners, love for our family, love for our jobs. There's so many things that we decide whether they're worthy of our love or not. And what I want to work on and where I see the future of The So Now What? Podcast and my clients in Stitch Coaching is learning to love what you want to believe about yourself and what you're capable of in this life. Love for yourself when it's tough to love yourself, and when things aren't going as easy as you thought they would. But most importantly love for yourself when you don't believe that you deserve love from yourself. And I think as humans, it is so common for us to speak of ourselves poorly when things aren't going well to think of ourselves poorly when we're not achieving as quickly or as high level as we believe we should in this life.
What I really want to work on is the challenge of loving yourself regardless. And I know the term "self-love" is used so frequently. And I think it really took me becoming more aware of my thinking and becoming certified in my coaching practice, to really understand what it's like to love yourself. When it's not easy to do when you fail and you faceplant or you have a goal that you thought you would achieve. And you haven't we talked about that in last week's episode and having expectations versus goals of becoming moms. When you don't achieve your goal of motherhood, can you still love yourself? When you don't have something that you think should complete you? Can you learn to love the life that is ahead of you? And the answer is YES. It's not easy. But if you take the time to really recognize what it is that is bothering you or telling yourself to not allow the love in your life. That is where the gold comes in. That is where you'll be able to actually navigate loving yourself when you feel you don't deserve it. Why do you feel you don't deserve it? When should you never feel love? When somebody says something to you? That's hurtful. For example, when are you going to have kids? Simple words that come out.
Why do those words make you look poorly at somebody else? See them as somebody who is not a nice person or not a considerate person, you can still have love for that person. They just asked you a question. So, it's those sticking points in our life where we feel that love is conditional. And we're only able to give it when we feel warmth within ourselves and butterflies and happiness. But the true challenge that's going to allow you to live a fuller and more pronounced and more deliberate life is learning how to love yourself on the other side of things.
Join me as we continue this journey going into 2022 and using the word love to ground the future of ourselves and our pathways. There is just so much magic that can happen when we choose to look at life from the vantage point of love. Thank you so much and please be on the lookout. I'm going to have another awesome free download available to you and Stitchcoaching.com It will be available on the bio of my Instagram page at stitch coaching.
I'm going to offer you an amazing resource that's going to help you to start loving your life again. So be on the lookout for that I'm making my final touches to that, and it will be available super soon.
Thank you for listening. And remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning.
Have a great week.
We made it through the Christmas holidays. I had a really beautiful holiday. It was small, but it was, something very magical.
I think a lot of it has to do with the thoughts I chose to think about myself this holiday. I did not wake up on Christmas morning with this empty pit in my stomach. I woke up feeling grateful for the love I have with my husband, the family I have to share it with. The memories I have of the people that I normally celebrate with that we just had smaller celebrations this year, but I still had such a love and gratitude in my heart for those people, whether they're still physically here on earth with us or not.
Overall, I just I felt really grateful this holiday season for the life that I have and the work that I've done for myself and on myself about living a life that is meaningful and has meaning to me, even though I'm not a mom. I've been thinking a lot about where we're going to go next year on this journey together. I've been thinking a lot about some of the sticking points I've had and frankly continue to have, because if you know anything about me and the thought work that I do, the concepts that I share with all of you is that this journey never ends of judging ourselves. Wishing we had a child wondering what, life would be like if we were moms.
As we start to think about the flipping of a page on a calendar, what do we want to flip in our minds and in our daily practices to create even more meaning with this amazing life that we've been gifted. I want to talk more with you about how to love your life again. How to stop judging yourself for what has not happened in your life, or maybe some things that you have done in your life that you might not feel great about, or might feel some shame around. How do we get back to that point in our life that we actually love who we are and love the life that we're living in?
A lot of it, I believe has to do with goals that we have for ourselves versus expectations we have about ourselves as well. Goals are not expectations and certainly it's important to have goals. And when we have goals, they offer us the ability to create a plan or a roadmap to an achievement. Goals absolutely motivate us to push forward through challenging experiences and encourage us to improve our abilities over time. However, when goals slide over into expectations, they can become problematic - hinder our thoughts that we're having about ourselves and the feelings we have about what's going on with us and in our lives. Goals, yeah, they help you strive for excellence and structure your attention and your focus and provide direction for optimal results for what we want to create in our lives, but goals aren't permanent. I think we can all agree that it feels great to achieve our goals, and it's certainly important to realize that goals are wants not needs.
Learning to provide yourself the liberty to amend your goals based on new information you get in your life, may generate a need to reprioritize our life and thus our goals. Thinking about it in that way, allows you to give yourself the liberty to modify.
We are so often, and I know I'm number one in line for this, get set on this goal and we have to put blinders on and think that unless we achieve that goal, we are not worthy of our happiness or gratitude, unless that goal is achieved. I have come to learn that that is so not the case; especially when it comes to living with infertility and realizing that being a mother is not part of the journey that you're going to be on in this life.
When keeping a goal as the point of focus, you'll need to work, to stay focused in the moment and involved in the process of achieving a goal. And certainly that's going to help you become more mindful and flexible and capable of optimal results, but becoming over-focused on goal achievement will likely cause you to feel things that aren't going to give you the results that you want to create with your life.
And I'm not talking about motherhood, I'm talking about overall living a life that is Happy; in living a life that you're grateful for; living a life that you're learning about yourself because of the obstacles that you've overcome, or because of the goals that you've had to remodify in your life and keeping a long-term perspective of becoming better at achieving the desired results in your life over time and using goals as stepping stones along the way to your ultimate goal of self-improvement will enable you to remain flexible and avoid expectations.
When you can embrace the process of becoming better at understanding why you want to achieve a goal and steer clear of expectations you've set for yourself, you will have a greater satisfaction and better thoughts and feelings about the results you're creating now.
When we're diagnosed with infertility and fail multiple rounds of IVF, we need to give ourselves the grace to amend the goals we set for ourselves when it comes to motherhood. For those of us that have gone through countless medicated cycles and still don't have a child, we think that not being a mom is reflective of who we are as women. When we're born biologically as females and we're ready to start thinking about creating a family, we just have this expectation that it will happen for us. It's interesting how the term "I am expecting" or ""we're expecting.
It's so closely tied to childbearing and pregnancy. I mean, how many times do we hear someone say, oh, we're expecting, we're raised to expect that we can conceive that we can carry a fetus full term, that we can create a healthy embryo that we should expect to be a mom. When we have that expectation of our body and it does not happen for us, we lose confidence in ourselves; we increase the pressure we put on our bodies, on our relationships, on our minds. We choose to create the meaning of our lives with the results or outcomes of the expectation of pregnancy. I get it. I did it too for so many years. I believe that we all need to go through the feelings of loss the feelings of grief that come along with infertility and failing IVF cycles.
We have a goal of motherhood, but it's impossible to have an expectation of ourselves to be moms. Cause when we have such expectations for ourselves and they don't work out as planned, this will hinder the experience and the opportunity you have to learn about yourself on this journey of life. When you see yourself as somebody who did not achieve the goal of motherhood, you will start to judge yourself and the quality of the life you're living, because you are thinking that you did not meet that goal because you had an expectation, it would happen.
Many of the expectations we have of ourselves in our bodies can lead to negative thoughts of ourselves in our bodies. Expectations are mismanaged goals or results that we are having, that we are not evaluating from a place of love and compassion for ourselves.
Expectations can generate frustration when you feel you aren't performing up to your potential. When we have that frustration, it interferes with the optimal results we want in our lives and can become part of a downward cycle of negativity that impacts us and the thoughts and the feelings we have about us as well.
Expectations can cause you to be judgmental about the quality of your results. When we judge ourselves or think that others are judging us, or when we compare ourselves to others, we're usually measuring ourselves as "less than". The process of judging and comparing ourselves to others, interferes with thoughts and feelings that we have about ourselves.
Comparing yourself in the journey you are on to the life of others is a distraction from giving you your best and smartest effort to live your life and embrace your life that you've been given. If you learn to eliminate the distraction of comparing yourself and the expectations you have of yourself with others, you'll enhance your experience and really allow yourself to get curious about what it is that is working or not working for you.
When you expect things of yourself that are out of your control, you innately create a negative cycle of disappointment because when you're feeling disappointed, it's common for you to think.
I'm not good enough.
My body is broken.
I have no meaning because I'm not a mother.
I invite you to pause and ask yourself. Did I have an expectation I'd be a mom, or was it a goal? Many of us start out expecting it'll happen. You must let go of the judgment you have of yourself because you aren't carrying the title of mom.
Is that possible that your life can be full, even if you're not a mother? Not meeting your motherhood goal may shy you away from setting goals all together. I did it too. I sat on autopilot for years after my last IVF cycle ended. We need time to grieve the loss, but decide that one day you can move past this. That you have goals waiting to be achieved beyond motherhood. Decide today that you can't expect yourself to feel or think better about your future, unless you set a goal for yourself to do so.
There's time that it takes to get there, but I am so excited for this new journey that you are about to go on. You are going to love your life. You're going to feel gratitude for the compassion and the hard work you put into your goal of being a mom.
Decide now that the goal you did not achieve does not mean that your life cannot be full of abundance; full of achievement; full of joy, and maybe still a little bit more heartache, but that's okay. Because as you know, life is 50/50. I'm so excited for 2022 to embark upon us and for us to start this new journey together.
Speaking of going on journeys together, I am currently offering a free one-hour discovery call where we can take about an hour to go through and talk about some of the goals you have for yourself in the future that you want to create for yourself. If you're on my mailing list, you've probably gotten the email about it already, but if you're not, I have a couple options for you.
You can either go to www.stichcoaching.com and schedule your discovery call there, or if you download the Guide to Meaningful Holidays, which is still relevant and still available on my website or on my bio in Instagram. You will automatically be registered for my email list and get all the latest and greatest updates about what's going on with Stitch Coaching.
Take advantage of your free discovery call and start to guide the path to the future that you're going to create with your life. And remember, it's never too late to discover your meeting, wishing you a beautiful week.
Download your FREE version of the "Guide to Meaningful Holidays".
https://stitchcoaching.com/holiday-workbook/
Hello, beautiful people. I hope everyone is enjoying this glorious time of year. I know for some, this year can be a little bit more spiky than most, with all the things going on in the world and health concerns and families not coming together as they normally would. And add that on top of infertility and not having children to share your holidays with or your holiday traditions with it can be a little bit confusing, and hard to find happiness and joy and all the things that we want to feel around the holidays, but just can't seem to navigate through. Which brings me to this week's episode where we're talking about creating meaningful holidays. And those of you who listen to the podcast regularly know that I created a guide to meaningful holidays. And I've been working a lot with my private clients on how they're filling out the guide. And each week, we take a little bit of time to discuss the progress, they're seeing maybe some of the sticking points that are coming up for them, some of the thoughts that they're having some of the journal prompts, and frankly, so many of the breakthroughs that they've made by taking time to just take note of what's coming up for them as they're approaching the holiday season. In today's episode, we go through and look at some of the things that are available to you, as you come to a close on this year, and start thinking about what's available to you next year and what you're making the holiday season mean about the meaning that you have in your life.
So, let's talk all about the guide to meaningful holidays. I'm certainly thrilled with the feedback I've gotten about the guide and how it's helped my clients and even some of my colleagues and friends that have used it think differently about their holiday gatherings this year. And just to give you some background, I created the guide because I wanted to share an opportunity for others to transform their thoughts around the holidays. For me, someone who went through six years in my infertility path, combined with fertility treatments, multiple rounds of IUI, multiple rounds of IVF. And sprinkled in there some days of just sitting in waiting and trying to decide what the next decision was going to be for us in the creation of a family. So I know the sadness, and I understand the self doubt the holidays can present. And frankly, I was sick of feeling anxious, anticipating questions that might be waiting for me about when I was going to have kids and I thought I just had to toughen up in order to make it through another holiday gathering. And really, I was just over sobbing my way through Christmas morning. Because my husband and I would wake up and just like other every other morning, look at each other and just be the two of us. And we had no child to share in the magic of Christmas. When I started working with a life coach, and discovered that I could confidently show up as me, Lana, a woman in her 40s who has no children and lives fully and believes that my life has meaning even without children. Because as you know, the thoughts we think, create the feelings that we have about being childless. And I've learned that changing my life started with choosing thoughts that led me to think differently and feel differently about my life without children.
I think started working with a life coach for myself. And frankly, I just never even knew the power that I had to choose thoughts or to create different feelings in my life, I just assumed that life comes at you. And it just as something that you deal with each problem, or each controversy or each roadblock that comes at you. And I never really realized that I could think differently about my life without children in my life with infertility. As I became more aware of the power that I had to choose those thoughts and create the feelings, I started to see amazing results in my life. And many of you who listened regularly know my story. But I was feeling so down about my fertility journey, and learning that I could create new thoughts and feelings really transformed me. And I went from thinking I was a letdown of a woman, because I failed IVF cycles and judging myself for feeling the sadness that I felt and the feelings of envy and jealousy around friends with kids or people that I passed in the store that were pregnant. And I'm now somebody who can lead an abundant life and feel proud of myself and achieve my dreams, even if I'm not a mom. And the progress I've seen in my life is proof that anyone can do it. And I'm certainly no unicorn. I've said this before, I just never realized no one ever presented me an opportunity to think differently about a journey in my life that caused me so much heartbreak. And so we fast forward to now and I'm a discovery coach, I'm certified through the Life Coach School. Becoming certified means that I can teach this freedom to you on this podcast, I can teach it to my clients in my private practice, I can teach it to my friends that I meet. And it's really amazing that the ability, we have to learn this skill of thinking differently about our lives, allowed me to stop feeling dread. And stop trying not to think about what the next 50 years of my life would be. And what I had to look forward to because I didn't have children. So if you look at the guide, and I failed to mention that the guide is available to you to download for free on stitchcoaching.com. I put a link to it in the show notes.
When you go through the guide, you'll see that I started a process of changing my thoughts by simply observing them. So that's where the journaling comes in - paper thinking as I call it. Paper thinking gave me such great insight into how I was judging myself about the sadness I felt around the holidays. I offered you seven days of journal prompts, just to sort of get a baseline for where you are. And the guide is awesome in the fact that you can continue to use those journal prompts, over and over. So it doesn't mean that you just do it for the seven days that are offered to you. You can change them up a little bit, maybe change some words in there. And instead of thinking about gearing, your journal prompts towards the holidays, maybe it's about New Years, maybe it's about a birthday, maybe it's about a milestone date, but really allowing yourself to freely notice and write down your thoughts is so helpful. I know when I first was introduced to journaling, I promised myself that I would at least try it for a few minutes a day. It was something I was not used to it was something that frankly, I thought taking the time to write my thoughts down on paper was sort of a waste of my time that I had much more important things to do with my day and money to make and writing my thoughts down on paper and reflecting about how I was feeling just didn't seem to be an impactful or task oriented or goal oriented way of living my life because I was used to telling myself that my feelings were solved oft that I, if I felt sadness, if I felt weakness, if I felt envy if I felt any of these things that come along with living a life with infertility, that those feelings weren't useful to me. And that's why I created an opportunity for you to really get curious in the journal prompts. When you do your paper thinking, start to let things flow. And don’t judge yourself for the words that come up on paper. No telling yourself you're weak, no telling yourself you'll never get through this or that this exercise isn't helpful, because it's not edging you forward. Because, honestly, this is such a transformational exercise. And it allowed me for the first time to really get curious about the thoughts I was having around the holidays. And from there, I knew that if I wanted to consider new thoughts, I had to feel worthy to speak them. So that's where I went through and put in a handful of and affirmations. And if you haven't used affirmations before, they're basically just sentence starters, I am, I believe, I will, and just a few words that you can finish the rest of the sentence with. But really, if you start to speak and think of your life in a way that gives you power in it, or gives you intention in it, or frankly, allows you to affirm the thoughts that you want to have and the feelings you want to have. The affirmations really are an abundant resource that allow you to create feelings of worth of creating new traditions, maybe celebrating holidays in a different way exploring ideas about yourself, and your happiness in relation to the holidays. If you haven't used affirmations before, I also recommend finding a few that you write down and post somewhere maybe on a post, it may be on a reminder on your phone that'll pop up at random times throughout the day. And just really remind you when you chose that thought how you wanted to feel or when you chose that sentence, what it was you were aiming for, because we just sometimes need to be reminded of it. And then finally, I was wanting to really create new thought patterns in my own life around the holidays. So that's where I went through and created the new thoughts to think section. So I challenged myself with a series of questions that allowed me to just dive deeper into why I wanted to create a new mindset for myself around the holidays. And I'm certainly not saying that this growth is going to happen overnight. And my progress, certainly in my own life didn't come without commitment, or discomfort. Because feeling and allowing myself to feel and recognize some of the feelings that are just buried away back in our mind and back in our hearts. And really allowing myself to think them on paper can be super uncomfortable. If it's not something that you've done before. The feedback I've gotten about this guide is that it allows one to experience the holidays in such a different way in a more controlled emotional way, in a more meaningful way. And I want you to see that that's available to you too. I created a live guided training, I have that available on my Facebook page. If you aren't, please follow stitch coaching on Facebook and I created a live training so on top of using this podcast as your resource to filling out the guide you can also go through and get a guided training where I've gone through and done all this for you over video.
So if you do the work with this guide, and allow yourself the freedom of just flowing and immersing yourself into what you want to think about yourself, how you want to feel because so many of us are just right This day, I'm just not going to go that if you don't go to family holidays, if you don't go to the holiday parties, if you lock yourself up with a box of Kleenex, sure, that's fine. And absolutely no judgment, there's never ever going to be judgment for me if you need to feel those emotions. But if it's to a point where you're avoiding feeling emotions, by staying home and avoiding the gatherings, because you're not wanting to process your emotions, you're never going to get to the other side of this. So my goal with the guide is to offer you an opportunity to just get curious about how you could show up, how you could go, if you don't want to go right now and find a way to make the holiday celebration or the holiday gathering seem a little less caustic this year. And I always like to offer, I don't know that I've mentioned it necessarily here on the podcast. But I offer discovery calls. And now through the end of the year, I'm offering them free of charge. And when I started this journey, no one truly knew what I was going through. I thought I was alone in feeling the way I did about my inability to have children, even after multiple rounds of IVF. And I put this facade on that portrayed me as a woman who had it all I had a loving husband, I had a beautiful home. I have a six figure career. But as long as I was thinking the way I was about living my life without children, it would never be enough. And I'd always be thinking I'm not enough. And I see now, how I yearned for a community that knew that too. Or somebody who I could share with that wouldn't judge me. And my coaching practice is dedicated to teaching women that they can think differently. And every client that I work with starts with doing a discovery call. And it's certainly the launching point for the future you can create. So I'll also invite you to go to stitch coaching.com. And you can click on my calendar, if you'd like to schedule a discovery call and just spend some time together and just do a one on one. And even decide whether you think coaching is right for you. There's absolutely no strings attached. I'm not going to ask you for a credit card. I'm not going to ask you to sign a contract. I just want you to see that living a life with infertility doesn't have to be empty, because I'm your proof. So I hope that helped you today. I hope that everyone has a beautiful rest of the week. Stay safe, and remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning.
on this week's podcast, I'm going to talk to you about what's wrong with being sad. Okay, you ready? I'll cut to the chase and tell you in one word. What's wrong with being sad? Nothing. There is absolutely nothing not one thing wrong with being sad around the holidays. Yet somehow we have this level of discomfort with feeling sadness, and I know I get it. We judge ourselves when we aren't all smiles and when we aren't all cheery and we just don't know how to truly get curious about it or understand it, let alone feel it. Because we're too busy judging ourselves for feeling sadness and a time when we're expecting ourselves to be joyous. And we think that others expect us to be joyous. So give yourself some grace and some love to be sad. It makes sense the holidays. Bring a lot of emotions up for us. It's one more year that we didn't get pregnant one more year, that we don't have a child to help write a letter to Santa or dress them up to go stand in that line at the mall and sit on Santos lap. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel lonely and misunderstood. And know that you're not alone in this. People will try to cheer you up and say things that don't necessarily move your needle on sadness. And it's okay. 1 Speaker 1 4:46 And I think people just genuinely feel discomfort when people are sad around them. So they think that they have to come up with these exceptional things to say to get you out of here. or sadness. And in oftentimes it gets us to a point where we even feel more sadness around the words that they say, I was working with one of my clients this week that's been having a lot of judgment for herself around how she's feeling about the holidays. And she shared her sadness with one of her girlfriends, who was trying to, I think, make her feel better. Her friend said, when she was talking about how she was, you know, really dreading the upcoming holidays, and just really looking forward to them. Her friend was basically telling her not to forget why we celebrate Christmas, that it has nothing to do with having a child and writing letters to Santa or Christmas shopping or sitting on Santos lap, but it's a celebration of the birth of Christ. And that she should really stop focusing so much on the fact that she's sad about being childless. So we got to talking about this in our session. And when we got to the nitty gritty of what was going on with those words that were said to her, we identified that she was thinking that she should be handling this differently. And when she's thinking that she should be handling it differently, she's feeling embarrassed. And from a feeling of embarrassment, she's downplaying her feelings. She's clamming up, she's judging herself. And she's not letting herself feel her feelings. So as long as she's thinking, I should be handling this differently and feeling embarrassed, she doesn't handle or confront her feelings. And so she's almost setting herself up for this constant avoidance of her feelings and embarrassment for her feelings. Because she's simply telling herself that she should be doing something differently. And if you are a client of mine, or know about the way that I practice, in my coaching practice, you know that you are always in control of how you want to think, and how you want to feel. And people can say whatever the hell they want. And it may be from a place of empathy, or not, or they may say something that's really heartless and comes off very hurtful to you. But regardless of what words are said to you, you always have control of how you interpret the words that are said to you. So as we continued on in our session, we really worked through some alternative thoughts that she could have, instead of thinking I should be handling this differently. We decided that a better thought would be, I'm doing the best that I can. And when she's thinking the thought, I'm doing the best that I can. She's feeling so much more compassion for herself. So she's feeling compassionate. And from a sense of feeling of compassion, she can then just get curious about why those words are bothering her, not judge herself, and when so when she's getting curious and not judging herself. She's truly putting herself in her needs first. So it's just the opportunity, we have to just evaluate the thoughts that we come up with in our mind. And just get curious about the thought and play a little bit with deciding is that a thought that's useful to me is that thought, creating the feelings that I want to have on a daily basis. Because as long as you give your operative opportunity to think and feel to somebody else, for words that come out of their mouth, you're always going to be held hostage by others. And not taking control of the life in the feelings and the emotions that come along with we being humans. So when it comes to the holidays, and if you find yourself feeling sad, feel sad. 1 Speaker 1 9:47 There's absolutely nothing wrong with being sad, because if we don't feel sadness, we never find joy. And life is 5050 Folks, we've talked about that before that, if we don't get down in the dumps, if we don't allow ourselves to go into the pits and valleys, we'll never know what it feels like to summit the mountain. So as we get closer and closer to what I call a date on the calendar, so it could be a birthday, it could be Christmas, it could be New Years, there's just this number that falls on a calendar that we give so much power to how we think we should feel or what we should be accomplishing on this date, or what we should have achieved by this date. And all it is, is numbers on a calendar. So if you want to feel sad, God bless you go feel sad, if you want to feel sad half the day and decide that you want to crawl out of your covers, and just appear and just show up. Do that too. But there's absolutely no one who should have expectations for how you feel and how you show up more than you. So as you know, I am a huge proponent of feeling your feelings and not shying away from your feelings, not judging yourself, for your feelings. But just get curious about your feelings. Because the more we feel our feelings, we realize that we are human that we survive. And the more that we feel these things, our hearts and our mind is open to feeling all of the wonderful things that go on in our lives to feel it all. And love it all and embrace it all. And get curious about it all and you will live such a robust and honest and truthful life for yourself. That's it for this week. Thank you so much for all the support and all the love. And I wanted to ask if you could just please go on and give me a rating and leave me a comment. If you know anything about technology and rankings these days, the more commentary and the more involvement I have from the community. The more my podcast will show up when people are searching for a community like ours. So if you could just take a moment to give me a rating and leave just a comment. I would certainly appreciate it. Have an awesome week and remember, it's never too late to discover your meeting. tatty next week but bye
What are you waiting for? just got back from Mexico - my first trip from Cov id. I was anxious about travel and risks associated with it. But, it was a milestone .. birthday for any very only sister and sibling. It was fantastic.
Not only did this celebration involve my sister, it also included friends that have cbeen part of her life oven the last decade on so, but many have been part of our lives since my day one. Bonds that formed through our moms who went to high school together. Some
• • •
mom and fat Help them 1!
who we' ol know since our families came to the United States and we've been active in eahothers lives through our church community and friendships there that present like family today. All this to say the group assembled for any sisters Bday celebration was diverse but we all shared so much love and union celebrating such a fabulous human, who clappers to be my sister.
Wee into the hours one of the nights, I got to talking to one of the people there. What got us to this point in the conversation is irrelevant. But it was such an eye opening conversation we had, which let me to a question:
what would you do differently if you knew your end was near? It may seem like such a morbid question, but it has relevance regardless of what stage in your life you are in. We' all have reasons for doing on not doing things. I'm not implying I - we should wake up each day and skydive or sell all of our belonging and drive cross-country in a VW van, but when is the last time you took an inventory of your desires, goals. If you are like many, we don't even take ourselves there because it sets as up to feel a whole bunch of feels we don't like having: complacent, lazy, unmotivated, scared on thoughts that my spark these feelings like
- Other people can do this, not me.
- There's no way I'd have the guts to...
- That would take so much effort.
- I'd love to "Bad" but I have zero due how to
- People would be disappointed in me if I did "BLANK".
So let me ask you, what are you waiting for? Why does life seem to a more manageable or comfortable with blinders on? We quiet our inner voices and ignore signs the universe brings us because
• • •
we don't want to disappoint ourselves. But either way We, are denying ourselves!. How timely, as we are entering into the final month of this year. Would you
consider scheduling. some time to start a paper thinking practice. For some it my work to just list it all out. Sit down and let it nip. Even single thing that sticks with you. jot it down. Make
no judgements of yourself Worry not that someone would roll their eyes at you or snicker if they knew what you wrote done. This is not for them. This is for you. This is just a collection of thoughts on paper. A time to get curious and take an inventory.
Writing something down doesn't have to mean that you need to run out and accomplish it. It could just be a time
Guide to Meaningful Holidays:
Guide to Meaningful Holidays – Stitch Coaching | Higher Awareness Coaching
It's hard to believe like we're looking at the beginning of December here and just a few days. Thank you all for the great feedback on the guide to meaningful holidays. So many of you actually used it to prep for your Thanksgiving holidays. And I just love getting to hear all about the feedback of how you used it, how it offered you a greater opportunity to plan for your holiday celebration, how you're able to plan ahead for how you'd handle a specific interaction with someone. And some of you even shared the plan you put together for handling the words that may have been asked to view about your journey to motherhood. And if you're wondering what this guide is, and you have not heard about it, you can go over to stitch coaching.com and download the guide to meaningful holidays. It's basically a great opportunity for you to become more aware of how you want to handle the holidays this year. And start to plan and make sure that you can have meaningful holidays and not get so tripped up on things that are said to you or asked to view or feelings that you might carry. Going into this holiday season knowing that you're not a mother, and you're not able to share it with a child, check out the guide. And please keep the comments coming because I've absolutely loved hearing what all of you had to say. This week, we are going to talk about living in the past, wanting to be who we once were, wanting to go back to a life that we loved so much. And let me start by saying that one of my biggest beliefs in my coaching practice is to capitalize on the accomplishments we see in our lives. And for many of us, those are accomplishments that we have achieved in our past. And as we discussed in Episode 12, it is so easy for us to focus on what we don't have or what we couldn't do, or what our bodies wouldn't do. And when we work together, I help my clients start to create their life of meaning I will pry every damn accomplishment out of them. I mean, it could be anything as small as making their bed or going to celebrate that. Possibly it's journaling, working out, going for a walk or something, but my clients really get very comfortable over time pointing out these types of things. And in the so now, what community, we transition our focus away from all of the failure that we associate with ourselves and our bodies because we failed fertility treatments. And we learn to see that a failure doesn't have to be a huge deal in our lives. It just basically means that there's something else out there that we are going to try or something that we're going to approach differently and that we do so many more things on a daily basis that go right or go as planned or go as we desired. But somehow we just take away the thing that was catastrophically wrong in our day and that is what we choose to focus on. And I want to talk a little bit today about how living in our past really seems so comforting to many of us. But what it does is it actually hinders our ability to have future accomplishments. So I'm going to call my client Anna in air quotes who When we started working together was really struggling with seeing what her life could look like without children. And when we started working together, she'd always say, I just want to be who I was before I started my IVF treatments. She felt like she really lost herself in the process. And she just wanted to be who she used to be. And I find that so many of us struggle so much with the expectations that we have for ourselves, and the failure we feel when we have a diagnosis of unexplained infertility or endometriosis, PCOS, and we feel so betrayed by our bodies. So we'd rather go back to our past, because it seems so carefree. And yes, maybe it was carefree. But why would you want to go back to your past.
Because when you get to the point in your journey, when you decide that you're ready to discover a life of meaning, as a woman, without children, you'll see that there is excitement, and this sense of rebirth and change. And you can certainly look back at your past and have so much gratitude and love for it. But not want to necessarily revert back to it. Because what you'll do is you'll start to learn and start to understand that trying to recreate your past or live in your past will only hold you back from living a life with meaning and intention. And when you think of your past, what about it? Are you most drawn to? Is it possible to look back at the past of who you were then and see that it's propelled you into who you are now in the version of who you're going to be in the future. And by no means does Anna tell me she is so glad that she has an fertility and couldn't have children, she just started to decide that she doesn't want to live a life that she's already experienced, and has this warm comfort around. Because when we start to see that we have the ability to do more and see more for ourselves, the true opportunity to discover our meaning will unfold. It's like the people we talked about last episode that want to go back to living their college years and how great college was an absolutely it was. But when we live in that past of who we used to be, we never give ourselves the opportunity to do more and see more. Because we're so focused on how great those times were. As we come to a close, if I could circle back to how this relates to the holidays, there's so many of us that have such beautiful and fond and fun memories of what Christmas was like or what the holidays were like when we were children. And as we age and as things morph in our lives, and people move, people pass away, or even in light of COVID where the large gatherings of 30 some I know in my family just have become a bit smaller over these last couple celebrations. There's such a sense of solemness or sadness that some people carry forth, because things aren't what they used to be in the celebrations are different than we once knew. But one thing I could tell you is that whatever thought you're having about your celebrations and how they might not be what they once were and how it just doesn't seem like the vibrancy Is there anymore. You're going to feel a certain way because what we do know is that our thoughts create our feelings. And our feelings then create the actions that we take. We might spend so much of our time sitting there and wishing we had things differently, or not engaging with the people that are around us. Or not taking notice of an opportunity to build new traditions together and new memories together because we're spending so much time thinking this isn't what it used to be. Take this away and see how you can apply it as you do your work with the guide this week. Because as you know you have the amazing power and the amazing wear with all to choose the thoughts that you want to have and regardless of what your past used to be like or what celebrations used to Be like you can move forward into this year's celebration, having so much love in your heart for the way that you felt, or maybe your holidays historically haven't been great. You can also choose to think differently now about the holidays that you want to have. And with this mind of yours and this ability that you have to choose your thoughts on purpose, you can create or whatever it is that you want to create. And you can create such a special feeling and warmth and love in your heart. Regardless if it's you celebrating alone, or a room of 35 people. So now that you always have the power to choose the thoughts that you want to have.
And as you do your work this week, just know that only you can choose the thoughts that you want to have. They don't need to make sense to anybody. They don't need to be relatable to anybody. But as long as they make sense to you, and create the feelings that you want to have. That's all that really matters. And as we come to a close to 2021, we have one full month, a month with 31 days that you can still make so much impact and how you want to relate back to 2021. What you want to think of what you've accomplished in 2021. There's no need to give up now, because you've done some awesome things this year. And just take a few minutes to start to recognize all that you have done and all that you've accomplished this year.
Have an awesome week and remember, it's never too late to discover your meaning.
As we embark on the Thanksgiving holidays, and all the official hoopla that is about to start for the holiday season. many of us and many couples are starting to get anxious and this big pit in their stomachs, because the holidays bring up a huge sense of lacking. So we're going to be rolling into the celebration season and that many have coined to be full of gratitude, magic abundance. And we can be so harsh and judgmental of ourselves. Because we're not feeling festive. And we're not feeling this joyous way that others expect us to be.
But maybe the real thing is that we're not feeling as festive as we expect ourselves to be. So the great news is that all of this is manageable, and it's modifiable. It's just going to take a little bit of awareness on your part.
So speaking of awareness, before we get too far into this, I wanted to make sure that you had an opportunity to go over to stitchcoaching.com, or into my Instagram bio into the linktree and download the “Guide to Meaningful Holidays”, it's live. And for those that have been listening to the podcast, you know, my belief in the power of paper thinking, aka journaling, and the benefit we offer ourselves by pulling our thoughts and our feelings that are circling around in our minds and actually putting them onto paper. And really creating something tangible that we've taken them out of our minds and just sort of dumped them on paper. And this guide offers seven days of prompts to start getting those thoughts out of your mind and on paper. So in anticipation of the season, my private clients have started working on the journal prompts in the free guide. So every day, I'll prompt you with an idea that will get you writing and thinking. And what we're going to do is repeat the daily prompts each week. So we'll take this through the New Year. And it will be an awesome opportunity for you to see the growth in yourself. As you look back on your weeks prior, and the discovery you're going to make about the thoughts and feelings you're having. I actually met with a client last week and we talked about her day one discovery prompt. And the question was, what do I currently think about celebrating the holidays. And when we were working together this weekend, she told me that she has so much dread about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday with her family. Because the family has a tradition where they go around the table and sometime during their dinner and share what they're thankful for. And she said of course I'm grateful for you know, my house family job, you know, the the common things, I guess that are set around the table. But she said that she's feeling the sense of uneasiness because it got her to questioning what it was beyond that, that she has an abundance of and not because she doesn't have gratitude for the house, family, job, all that good stuff, but she really is working on thinking about something deeper, her gratitude, and that when she thinks about what she's grateful for, the one wish she had was to be a mother and that's not working in her favor.
So we got to talking in our session about whether it's possible to be thankful for a life without motherhood. Because we've tried and we've prayed for it. We've gone through medical treatments for it and devoted our mental and financial resources towards a goal that didn't happen. And it seems like there's just not an option to pull ourselves out of this place of emptiness.
So we got to talking about the opportunity to decide how we want to feel about motherhood and whether there's ever an opportunity to feel gratitude.
When you've decided that you're not going to pursue further treatments, or not going to get an egg donor or pursue adoption. And we're oftentimes left with a lot of judgments about ourselves. And there's certainly this grieving period that comes along with it. But as that grief is surrounding you, there's also great freedom and believing that you're not having a child.
And the opportunity to see that that is just a fact and a circumstance that we have in our life. But if we can take that and learn over time to not judge ourselves, in our reproductive abilities, that's where our liberty lies for us to start having gratitude for ourselves beyond motherhood.
Because basically, after our fertility journeys, and we're left with two options, the first is to live a life with a sense of lacking.
And the second is to believe that there are things about you to be grateful for beyond motherhood. And until we purposely decide that we're ready for the latter, you're going to continuously butt up against a lack of gratitude for anything in your life that you accomplish, or anything in your life that you could feel proud of. Because you give all of your power away, and align yourself worth to the outcome of fertility treatments that you endured.
So in today's podcast, I'd like to offer you an opportunity to take just a little bit deeper into yourself, and start to do the work in the meaningful guide. And start to identify qualities about yourself, or things that commonly have come up for you in the past, around holidays. And start to discover what it is that you can have true gratitude for.
So if I have an opportunity, this Thanksgiving to sit around the table, and discuss what I'm grateful for.
I took a lot of time to think about this. And I've decided that I'm grateful for my past, because it brought me my future.
And there's so many of us that live in a past that didn't give us what we wanted. Or maybe it seemed to be the most abundant time in our life. Think back to college, when you're like, Oh, I just wish I could go back to college and, and have the great times I had in the life that I had. But when we live in our past, we don't excel, we don't move forward, we don't create abundance in our future. So coming up with the grateful feeling I have for the past that I've endured, and the obstacles I've overcome, has allowed me to see the greatness that I've been able to take away from that and the belief that I can recreate with my life, and the love that I can find once again, because I know what a strong person I am. And that I have a lot more talent, to offer to be sitting in a sense of emptiness for the rest of my life.
This week, I'd like you to start to think about when's the last time you offered yourself an opportunity to recognize the thoughts and the feelings that you have about yourself.
So imagine an opportunity where you could look at your life from an outsider's perspective. When you have conversations with someone, or people ask questions about you, imagine that any discussion of you and your motherhood or your status of being a mom or off the table? What would you talk about? What are the things that would be of interest to the people that you meet?
Because oftentimes, we get so focused on the thoughts we have about ourselves, that we let that dictate what we believe about ourselves, and the lack of gratitude we have for ourselves.
So many of us have amazing success stories that we don't even give ourselves credit for. The lack of gratitude we have for ourselves is what holds us back to creating a future of abundance.
There's so many of us who are so successful in our workplace. We've landed here deals, we've gotten these amazing promotions. We've broken glass ceilings and environments where women historically didn't succeed. But we forget to be thankful to ourselves for showing us the way to our success. And we've somehow developed this notion that our inability to become mothers is a detour to a life where we feel thankful for who we are as women. I don't know about you, but nowhere in the playbook did someone write a chapter about you being a mother, or the reproductive ability of your ovaries, being a definer of the success story that you are in your life. And so we create this barrier to ourselves and prevent a life that feels enough because we can't give birth to a child. So as we enter this week of Thanksgiving, I invite you to start giving some thought to the greatness within you. What are the things about you that you're grateful for?
Many of us don't even like to give ourselves credit, because somehow we've decided that it's boastful or egotistical to point out what's wonderful about us.
So I will tell you today that you are worth celebrating. There's so much greatness in your life. And there's no need to judge yourself, if it's been a while since you've searched for it. But commend yourself for wanting to get on the other side of this feeling of emptiness. And commend yourself for doing the work and rolling your sleeves up. And for downloading the guide and actually taking time to put pen to paper and do some paper thinking and decide that you are worth an abundant future.
And that not having a child does not have to be a sentence to a life of holidays, year after year that seems empty, and not worth celebrating.
And think about it this way. If you download the guide, and you even start your journal prompt today, by Thanksgiving, you'll have three under your belt.
And you'll have already started to think about some ideas that you have about how you think about celebrating the holidays. And day two, you're going to talk about how you could think about celebrating holidays without children. Day three, you're going to identify what's going to be hard this holiday season. Because when you put all that stuff down on paper, your mind is going to start showing itself to you. And then you're going to start seeing that there's just a lot of jibberish in there that just isn't worth your time and energy.
So I'm just super stoked about this guide. And I really hope that you take the time to download it and put the work in it. And then go through each week. Starting with day one through day seven. When you get to day seven, go back to day one the next week, and you'll see the growth and the development that you will bring forth for yourself.
Also just a reminder that on December 11, we are doing our monthly life after IVF call and we are going to do a deep dive into the guide. So if you have some questions or want to join us on that call, it is a free call. And I hope that you will DM me and I will make sure that I get you the invite to the call. Because there's going to be lots of great stuff, some awesome ladies I know are going to be there, that are part of the community. And I just can't wait for all of you to start working together and meeting each other and bonding because we are an awesome group of women.
So with that, I wish you all a happy Thanksgiving.
Have gratitude for yourself this year. Don't judge yourself if you're feeling empty if you're feeling lonely, and know that you can choose to feel differently. Whenever you're ready. And there's no rush to be ready. You take it at your own pace. This is not a race. But just an opportunity to know that all the power is within you to live a meaningful and abundant life.
And it's never too late to discover your meaning.
Episode 11 Cozying Up With Our Infertility Buffers
Last week we talked about buffering in for many that was a bit of a Mind Blow. gotten some DMs, from folks with questions about buffering. And first let me tell you, thank you for your questions. I don't know if I talk as much as I should about how much I would love to hear from you. And really explored deeper some of the topics that we talked about in the podcast, a couple of the questions I got, I'd like to just go over today on the podcast and dig a little bit deeper into buffering, though, if you have any more questions, please feel free to send them my way. But I'm going to kind of cover off on the common themed one that came in this week doing things like drinking, eating, enjoying sweets, enjoying shopping is not a bad thing. And I'm not telling you not to partake in those things. But it's when you are going shopping and buying something you don't necessarily need or you're not planning to buy and then you're home. And you're upset with yourself that you took part in that action that you spent money on something that again, you don't need that's just going to collect dust on a shelf or in a cabinet. Or if you go out and you're having some cocktails at a social event, that's not a problem. But you'll know when you're buffering, if you're just feeling disappointed in yourself later, or that you feel regularly that you go for something or feel like doing this action is a crutch to you in certain situations. But please keep enjoying life, enjoy a glass of wine, enjoy your cupcake, whatever it is, enjoy it. If it's not a problem in your life, there's no need to sit here and tell yourself that you've got to sit and live your life with blinders on. And many people hear about buffering. And they think that they have to give up doing things out of fear that they are buffering. So I'm not trying to be a buzzkill to anyone, but wanted to make sure I address that. And you know, frankly, it was something when I was going through my coach training, that I remember asking my instructor, if it was a problem if I had a couple glasses of wine when I went out with my girlfriends, or if my husband and I cracked open a bottle at dinner or something like that. So covering off on that. So let's recap for anyone that has not listened to Episode 10 yet an overview of what buffering is. And of course, I'd invite you to please go back and listen to episode 10. Because we got pretty in depth in last week's episode buffering could show up like you're feeling anxious, you're feeling frustrated. So you go for food, when you're in the midst of a conversation with somebody and maybe a questions asked a view about your desire to have kids. Do you have any kids and you're feeling uncomfortable. So you step away from the conversation and go graze that a food table or go up to the bar and order a glass of wine. Because you want to disassociate yourself from engagement in the conversation. And then your brain tricks you to think that you're happier. Now, because you've had this little dopamine hit from eating something or drinking something, it's getting you further away from a result that you want. Maybe you want to be able to have those type of conversations and not be rattled by questions like that. So when you have a question asked of you, and it makes you feel uncomfortable, and you're going to that external thing to soothe yourself from the discomfort you're feeling from that conversation. That is what you'd consider buffering. So as you become more aware of buffering and what it is just first note that there's no need to judge yourself if you are buffering. But just remember that there's nothing outside of us that could ever fix our discomfort or our uneasiness or our dissatisfaction. We think if we keep taking a specific action, we're going to feel better by getting that little dopamine hit, but it just makes us more reliant on something external and more reliant on something other than ourselves to create the feelings and the peace that we want to have within ourselves. And we can totally stop Giving our power away to an action or to a thing. Start learning how we can accomplish the things we want to do with our lives for ourselves and with ourselves. False pleasure is really what keeps us from having a full sense of well being within ourselves. Because what we're doing is using up our desires for what we want to achieve when we are overing, overeating, over drinking over scrolling over shopping. So overing, meaning like buffering, so the list goes on. But really constraint is what gives us that freedom to find the wellbeing we want in our lives. So if you learn how to constrain from a place of love, you'll then be able to learn so much about the true you, it certainly is going to be a challenge in the beginning, because it's something that feels very foreign to us. When we feel discomfort, we shy away from it. But when we become more aware of what we're feeling that drives us to that external thing, we're just starting to build a muscle in our minds, muscle in our thought patterns that will allow us to learn to identify what we're feeling that's driving us to this action. As we start to become more of that aware of that, we'll start to see what we're missing out on when we're camouflaging our feelings with that action. As I said in the beginning, it's going to feel really yucky, when we start to question ourselves and tell ourselves that we shouldn't have that cupcake to soothe that discomfort or the going for the glass, the wine maybe isn't useful, we're going to start to ask ourselves, why do we even want to start exploring these actions. But you know the answer, and only you can define why you want to stop these actions is it because you want to lose weight, and you want to get rid of the weight gain that maybe you experienced after all your fertility medications. And that wait is still looming a few years after you're done with your treatment, and you're just sick of hanging on to it. Or maybe you're sick of feeling crusty after a couple cocktails the night before, and you just don't want it to be a road thing for you to come home and pop open a glass of wine to learn how to relax from your stressful day. In the beginning, I'm going to ask you to just start to define why you want to achieve or feel or accomplish the things that you do. Because when we aren't willing to feel a feeling, we are restricting ourselves from really exploring the opportunities that we have and the talents that we have and the desires that we have with our life. And it's like my mentor Brooke Castillo describes when we push a ball underwater and just try as hard as we can to keep that ball under that water, eventually you get tired of holding it down. And then next thing you know that your arms can't hold it down anymore, and that ball pops out of the water with exponential greater force. So the same thing with trying to restrict or push down your feelings by covering them up with this external something by overing. And then next thing you know those feelings are there. And if anything, they're coming back at you with greater force because you're not addressing them. So I'm going to offer you an opportunity to just get curious with your emotion. And maybe when you feel that discomfort instead of going for a drink or purchasing something, when you're out at the store, just start to see what it feels like in your body to feel that emotion. Maybe where you feel it in your body. What's the sensation is it a tingling feeling a tight feeling. And the more we allow it, the more we build evidence for ourselves that it doesn't kill us. imagine your life without the actions or the items or the buffers that you're using. You'll feel fear lacking or deprivation. And you'll tell yourself, my life is going to be such a drag simply because we're conditioned to have that external thing. Give us some pleasure. So I'm going to offer you a couple ERJ options. The first is just keep on doing what you're doing, respond to the urge and don't achieve whatever goals you're working towards. The second is coming at it from a sense of resistance and almost white knuckling and allow that emotion and urge to be there and do nothing or three which is in my opinion, always going to be the most beneficial to you is allow the urge to be there and just simply observe it just try doing nothing. Because having an urge doesn't mean something's gone wrong, but being a to be present with it, maybe describing what's going on during paper thinking, watching it. And practice having that urge. And being in a place of peace, allow it to just be present, not steering yourself away from the attention of it, and white knuckling through it because it's still going to be present. And you're going to never really become one at peace with feeling that urge. Because what basically happens is you have this trigger, then you have a thought. And then from that thought you have about maybe words, people said, you're having a feeling that feels uncomfortable to you. So that's when you want to avoid that feeling, and respond to your action. The grace and love you show yourself, when you get curious about why you buffer is going to be some of the greatest work you allow yourself to do. Because you start to recognize the feelings that seem uncomfortable to you. And you'll start to see what you're restricting yourself from achieving because you are unwilling to feel that feeling as you're starting to collect the data on when you buffer and what's going on for you when you buffer. There's one rule that applies to the data collection that I'm going to ask you to start doing. It's to have zero shame or self judgment when you notice what you're doing. So think of athletes that tape games and rewatch them are musicians that record themselves and listen back to how they perform. They don't do it to judge themselves, they just basically do it to see where they can do some more work and what they can practice more on so they can show up better in their next performance or
game. So I want you to start by writing down what buffering activity you want to focus on. Maybe it's shopping for entertainment, maybe it's drinking, eating, you Peck and then I'd like you to sit there and start to do some paper thinking and understand why you want to stop what part of that activity is not useful to you. Take shopping, for example, as of buffer behavior, your why for stopping shopping, maybe because you already have a closet full of clothes that you don't wear and your closet is super cluttered, and you don't want to have a cluttered closet, and that you'd rather invest your money in something with a greater return. So get to know your why those y's are going to be what motivates you to take maybe a pause from doing that activity and lets you decide that you're more important than doing that activity, your y is going to be what's more important. So let's say you go shopping to home goods, and you find yourself walking in the door with a bag full of knickknacks wrapping paper, maybe some hand lotion and a candle. And you're like, seriously, Ilana, I bought this, why would I buy this, I don't even need this stuff. So that's when you would take out an urge worksheet so you can download it from my website. Or you can maybe just create notes in your Notes section of your phone or write it down on a piece of paper. But I want you to get very specific about the things that you're going to write down. So here they are, this is what I purchased. So get very specific. This is where I purchased it. So what store the name of the store location. This is when I purchased it. So the time of day that you purchased it on your way home from work was that you left the house to go shopping because you were bored waiting for your husband to get home from work. Just get very specific about when you purchase it. The reason I purchased it was it because it was marked down. Next, get clear on what you were telling yourself when you bought it. Next point is going to be what pattern you're noticing. And when you notice this pattern happening, what's an alternate thought or feeling or action you'd rather take. And then lastly, the most prominent thing I learned from doing this is and fill in the blank. Because when we become curious and honest with our observations, we can start to advocate for ourselves and then we can really be the one to put ourselves in our goals and our desires and while being in the forefront of our lives. Though I hope this is helpful for you.
I'm going to have this available on my website and also for download if you go to the link tree on my Instagram bio and start to use this guide and get curious about what's coming up for you. And then lots of exciting news to share with stitch coaching my guide to meaningful holidays is ready for download. You can find it on my web site at Stitchcoaching.com stitch coaching.com You can also link to it from my bio on my Instagram page. The other exciting thing we're going to be doing with the guide is on our December 11 life after IVF virtual meetup, which I know many of you have enjoyed being part of we're going to actually go through and fill the guide out together so that we can start to equip ourselves for the holidays that are just around the corner. Oh my gosh, it's crazy to think so. Thanks so much for listening in this week, DM me any questions you have. Have an awesome week everyone. And remember, never stop believing that you can discover your meaning
I'm excited to learn what you were able to gather from last week's podcast, when we talked about failure, and how we have a fear of it. I worked with two clients this week that actually we're making pretty big decisions regarding career changes. And there's a lot of that indecision that comes in, am I making the right choice? Am I going to be happy? Am I going to be letting people down if I don't show up for them, as I think they're expecting me to. And I think that we made some great inroads, with people just realizing that no matter what decision you make, as long as you believe in yourself, and believe in the reason you have to make it, there's no fear in the failure. Because failure is just simply a thought. And something that we can choose to keep us from moving forward, or something that we can choose to learn from about ourselves, something that we can get excited to see how we do in a different environment.
So send me a DM, or send me a message and let me know what's something that you recognize this week that would have traditionally scared you, because you feared failing. But maybe you took a chance this week to try something different and do something new. So now is a perfect time to transition to a topic that may be foreign to some, but something that I think will definitely pique your interest. It's called “Buffering”. What's buffering, I'll give you a couple different examples of how I describe it. It's avoiding a feeling or avoiding feeling a feeling because of the discomfort it will show you. It's when we use external things, to change how we feel emotionally, to not fully experience or fully show up and face the truth in our life, because we don't want to feel the negative emotions that come along with it. When we take part in an action, or an activity to keep ourselves from fully experiencing our lives, or when we decide not to show up and face the music, our brain is wired to believe that we should have more pleasure in our life. So it seeks things outside of us to decrease our pain. When we don't want to face the truth of our lives because we don't want to experience any type of negative emotion and look to something that is external or not tangible. So an item of thing. We change how we feel internally, and partake in an action. So that way, we're taking ourselves off course of feeling what it is that's giving us discomfort. We think there's something wrong with us if we're not happy all the time. And so we buffer because we feel entitled as humans to feel happy and pleasure all the time. And as you're listening to this, you're probably thinking of course it makes perfect sense that we'd want to increase our pleasure and reduce our pain. Is that what we're trying to do as humans?
You might have heard of the term “dopamine”; it's a term that's thrown around a lot. And according to my research, I looked at Harvard Health Publishing, dopamine can provide an intense feeling of reward. And dopamine is most notably involved in helping us feel pleasure as part of the brain's reward system. So something like alcohol, shopping, smelling cookies, baking in an oven, having a cocktail, all these things can trigger dopamine release, or a dopamine rush. So this feel good. neurotransmitter is also involved in reinforcement and that's why once we try one of those cookies, or have a glass of wine We might come back continually for 1,2,3 more. So in today's day and age, when there's countless ways to seek pleasure, we're constantly bombarded with ways to feel pleasure. So eating, drinking, shopping, scrolling social media, playing a game on your phone, consuming alcohol, the opportunities are countless and more accessible now to us than ever, and the external pleasure providers, ie, corporations and organizations that make money on delivering pleasure to us have found a way to make us believe that we are definitely needing this type of pleasure for survival when these organizations and corporations take advantage of that by playing into our desire to seek pleasure, we start to believe those actions almost seem like they're important to our survival. And they become so important to us because they've tricked our brains into thinking that that pleasure or that dopamine hit is the most important thing that we could possibly seek in our lives. It becomes a reoccurring issue in our lives, because pleasure wants us to generate more pleasure. So the more we purchase, the more we purchase, the more we cocktail, the more we cocktail, the more we snack, the more we snack, the more we scroll, social media, the more we continuously scroll, social media. And then we begin to expect that we're entitled to experience pleasure all the time, we feel that there's always an escape from our negative emotion at a hands reach, you can just boom, pop on your phone, get on Instagram, get on Facebook, tick, tock, whatever it is, and just take yourself out of any type of negative emotion you're feeling. And immerse yourself in the entertainment of that. And we can always feel pleasure at the blink of an eye, because it's so immediately available to us in so many ways. So you may be listening and thinking, of course, life's a hard battle, doesn't it make sense that we will just buffer our way through it to make it to that and eat as much as we want drink as much as we want, scroll as much as we want, buy whatever we want and go into debt. So I hate to be your bearer of bad news. But all that pleasure does not add up to happiness. Because of that equal and opposite consequence that comes with all the false pleasures.
And false pleasures referenced as something your brain has an inordinate reaction to false pleasure allows us to escape into this pleasure place. And it allows us to buffer from reality.
I mean, it would definitely be peachy if we could have all those pleasure after pleasure with no consequence, just positive, positive, positive stuff. And all of us would be in Pleasantville, on the same happy train. And nobody would care to strive for anything in their life, because they were never challenged by anything, and only experiencing pleasure. And we feel so much pain on the other end of these false pleasures. Because once the initial pleasure has subsided, and the bag of chips is empty, you step on the scale in the next on the next morning, and you're in despair. And we're like, I wish I did not have this buffer in my life. Eating that bag of chips, when you come home to an empty house after work may offer a temporary release from negative emotion. But what it's really doing is taking you away from feeling that negative emotion. And those emotions always come back harder than they started. So when you go out and buy yourself a handbag that you can't afford, you have that quick rush of pleasure about it. And then you have a credit card to pay. And then you have the lack of money. And then you stress about it because you bought this bag that gave you minutes of pleasure while purchasing it and posing in the mirror with an eye on your shoulder. But now you're going to stress about how you're going to pay for it. There's always an equal and opposite consequence. That makes it so that the false pleasure is never really worth it. Even though in the act of doing it. We tell ourselves that it is you can actually trade all of the false pleasures in your life for well being. And when you choose to go with well being over a false pleasure, you'll start to offer yourself an opportunity to gain confidence and then that confidence starts to create more More confidence. And the more confidence you have, the more centered you feel, the more well being you have, and the more you have to give and offer the world. And I believe that when we reach our ultimate happiness, and when we're able to be the best version of ourselves and show up in the world as such, we live such abundant, full and meaningful lives. But when we're in pleasure seeking mode, it's impossible to give of yourself, because we get into a consume mode, where all we want to do is consume, whether it's food, whether it's drink designer items, I want, I want I want consumption, consumption, consumption. And in that mode, we're basically circling on a spin cycle of false desire that never gets us to satisfied. It's like the whole running with the Joneses, where you're trying to one up and have more and do more and travel more and have a bigger house than have a greater closet, then have a bigger car than you're always trying to outdo the person next to you by consuming, consuming, consuming, but you can't really get enough of something you don't really want. And if you're trying to escape a feeling of something that is not bringing you pleasure, you're always going to have to be escaping in order to cope. Could you begin to imagine what your life could be like, if you didn't buffer? Imagine what you're so afraid of? What is that feeling that you're so afraid to feel that eating a cupcake drinking a bottle of wine could take away for you? With the holidays coming up, many women who've tried to have children and can't are starting to dread upcoming gatherings, and conversations and questions around the status of their motherhood. So Aunt Sally asks you when you're going to have a baby. And in order to escape the discomfort of the conversation, you go over to the appetizer table on Thanksgiving, and you eat because the act of eating in your mind allows you to detach from the words that were just asked of you. And it appears that digging into a cheese ball, it decreases the discomfort you feel. Because clearly Aunt Sally does not know how devastated you are, because you've spent the last two years in IVF hell and you weren't able to have a baby. But that quick dopamine hit in our brain that we get from eating the shit out of this cheese ball with Ritz crackers is the positive thing because of the relief it offers us. And then here you are less than less aware of the discomfort you're having, because you're focused on the food you're eating instead. And getting pleasure from the bites of the cheese ball and the Ritz cracker just to escape your conversation in your thoughts about your conversation with Aunt Sally. And then fast forward to the end of the night where you're feeling sick. Your pants are tight tightness in your throat because you're so absolutely stuffed. And there you are judging yourself for the amount of food that you inhaled. And then guess what? The negative emotion is still there and present to you, you're still gonna feel anxious and frustrated, not by Aunt Sally asking you if you're having a baby. But because of what you're thinking about your holidays, and what you're thinking about the fact that you feel empty inside because you don't have a child in tow with you. But we think we're going to feel better by taking this action and getting this quick jolt of yummy in your mouth or excitement of buying something extraordinarily expensive or out of the norm or something that just seems like such a luxury. But then the negative emotion is still there looming under the surface.
When do we decide that we're done with buffering and done with false pleasures? For many of us, we don't even know where it exists in our life, or how to even start to begin to identify it. Because to be quite honest, it's not always raising its hand and bringing attention to it. But in the coming weeks, I am going to deep dive and teach you how you can become more aware of it. It will be a hard sell, because I'm going to be teaching you about cutting things out that seem very pleasurable in your life. But if you're ready to be a person that doesn't want to rely on other people or doesn't want to rely on other things, or frankly anything external of you for their happiness, join me back here next week. We'll be touching on how we can recognize where buffering is showing up in our lives and how we can recognize it. And what we're going to do with our brain sends us as a wild goose chase to find a desire to take you out of your negative emotions. Maybe just because you're feeling sad or you're feeling empty inside, but I'm going to save all that for next week. Can't wait to talk to you then.
In the meantime, visit my Instagram @stitchcoaching S-T-I-T-C-H coaching. And also available this week is my “Guide to Meaningful Holidays”. You can download it free on my website. I'll also have a link to it on my Instagram page. So appreciate all the supportive feedback. Please remember to leave me a comment or give me any feedback you have any questions you have. I'm always open to a DM message me. Let me know if there's something you want to chat more about. Or if you want to go a little bit deeper into some of the topics that we're covering. I'm always happy to help explain things a little bit further.
I am so glad that we're back together again this week to talk about a word that has so much power in our minds. And in this week's episode, I'd like to talk about what comes up for you, when you hear the word failed. There's a stigma around the word failed, and failure. We grow up conditioned, fearing failure. There's just like this huge taboo around the word. And I'd like to invite you to ask yourself, what do you make the word failure mean? Most people don't achieve their dreams because they don't want to fail. But when you go through fertility treatments, the word fail and failed, become part of our daily vernacular, it's not uncommon to have the word failed, be used to define our cycles. And when we're in the midst of trying to have a baby and following protocols of fertility meds, exact timing, prescribed medications that are offered to us by our reproductive endocrinologist. And we follow that to a tee and then get to the time when we should be moving towards a retrieval, and then get that call from our fertility clinic that we failed our cycle. What are you making that mean in your life today? What are you taking away from your memories of going through that and applying it today. So we're going to take a deeper dive into failure on today's podcast. I worked with a client last week that told me she feels like she's a failure because she got passed up for promotion. She's feeling really disappointed because she interviewed for a job that if you were to look at the food chain within her organization, she would be the next obvious person for this job. But she interviewed for it. And she didn't get it. And she said that she feels like she's a failure. So when I asked her where else she's seeing this thought I'm a failure come up. She had a dig all the way back to when she went through fertility treatments and was unable to have kids. Generally, she said she feels like she's a failure because of it. Because her body didn't do what it was intended to do. So during our session, we took time to identify what do those words really mean to her. And we started to separate where her thoughts versus the facts are and what failing fertility means to her, and how her thoughts regarding failing fertility treatments are creating feelings in her life today. So whether we like it or not medical terminology is what it is. One of my friends has an OB GYN (and also a life coach) and I had a conversation a while back about the use of the word failed being used in the fertility community. And at that time, I was very defiant that I thought it was an awful and hurtful and paralyzing way to classify a treatment that a woman was going through and that the women that hear that time and time again, keep that attached to their persona and take that into different parts of their life. And I was totally on this mission to eliminate the word failure from medical diagnosis and terminology.
So what the real problem is, is the meaning you are allowing the word failure to play in your life now, and how not managing our minds around words that described us in our pasts affect us today. And when my client realized that she has the ability to separate her thoughts, from a word, she can open up her life and her dreams, to results that she wants to see in her life. So if you're noticing that you're associating yourself with a failure in other parts of your life, now's the perfect time to use the tools that we cover off on here in the podcast. And become aware of one that's coming up for you. How it's coming up for you. What are you doing when it's coming up for you? Because you failing fertility treatments, as in the past, it happened. And we know that if we live in the past, it's just going to continue to create our future. So when my client and I worked on separating that first and deciding why failures, the bad thing, now, she's done trying to conceive her course with fertility treatments is over. And she's a female without children. So why is the word failure that defined that past event in her life, bringing itself into her future now. So let's decide now that we can reset the meaning of the word failure, we can decide how we want to feel about that word. At any time, we can reset the meaning of and the act of failing. We talked about the growth we have available to us when we crash and burn. For many, that is the most opportunistic time to see where you can move on to your next opportunity, or where you can learn the most about yourself. So what's the worst thing that can happen today, if you avoiding doing things for fear of failure, you're going to be eliminating opportunities to grow and achieve your dreams. So this week, I'm going to ask you to pick one instance, where you notice that you try doing something and you either refrain from moving forward. Or you try it in the outcome is not what you expected. Pick something this week, where you notice that comes up for you and write it down. It could be cooking, or baking something maybe for the first time, it could be interviewing for a job, possibly having a tough conversation with someone. What's the worst thing that you would feel if it doesn't go as planned?
If you decide ahead of time, that you're willing to interview for a job knowing that you may not get it, what would happen, you'd possibly feel hurt, you'd possibly feel embarrassed, you'd possibly feel inadequate. But what's so bad about feeling that it doesn't last forever. And you have this beautiful mind of yours that can notice those feelings and move on. Because basically, it's two options, try it and go after it knowing you may feel rejection, or live knowing that you're just not pursuing your dreams, or giving yourself an opportunity to live bigger because you have a fear of failure, the feeling of embarrassment when something doesn't go as planned. But you're never going to know what you can achieve if you're always stopping yourself from going after it for fear of failing. But what if you decide ahead of time that when you fail, you won't beat yourself up or you won't mourn over it or you won't quit. Because when we prepare our minds for the worst thing that might happen, this stuff happens and it's really becomes much of a less much lesser of a big deal. And so the first thing we need to just do is decide that we're going to do some stuff that scares the hell out of us, or makes us feel super uncomfortable or do something that we've never tried before. And just see what happens. And I've got to tell you the opportunity to do something and not judge yourself is just such an opportunity for growth. So this week, I'd love to know if you believe you could go a day or even a week without indulging in the feeling of failure, why or why not? How does failure present to you in your life? Where are the areas that you notice you feel failure? How does feeling failure prevent you from achieving what you want in your life? And then lastly, I'd love for you to ask yourself, why do you imagine you indulge in this feeling, because if you know anything from listening to this podcast, you know that your thoughts are optional. So when you're choosing to feel failure, that's optional. Any thought we have is absolutely optional. And when we open ourselves up to falling flat on our faces, and maybe feeling that 10 minutes of embarrassment, or the redness flushing in our cheeks, when something happens, that makes us feel embarrassed, that goes away. But the opportunity that you took, and the bravery, you showed, to try something new that lasts a lifetime. Those feelings, when you manage your mind are so much more opportunistic, and the embarrassment and nervousness and the rejection and all that stuff, you'll start to learn that you can overcome it, and you'll survive it. And the opportunity you have to live your dreams becomes so much more important and so much greater, that you don't even think twice about doing something that you might fail at. So this will be the first of many things that we're going to be talking about, that come up for women who have gone through fertility treatments, and some of the common things that we feel and take away from our fertility journey with us that are still playing a role in our lives today. So the failure part, just decide now that failure isn't a bad word in your life anymore. It's not something that has to cause huge anxieties, bouts of depression and sadness. It could just be a word. And what you want to slap on it as far as the thought goes is all up to you. But whatever you do, just know that your past and the feelings that you take from your past are creating your future. Today is the perfect day to decide that you don't want to spend your life in a routine, nondescript comfort zone. Because you're too intimidated to chase a goal that seems uncertain and prone to fail. Decide today that you're going to dare yourself in desire to pursue a wild ambition and discover new possibilities. There's a would be entrepreneur, maybe a motivational speaker, freelance writers, stage performer artist or off the grid traveler in all of us decide that the word failure is not more important than your desire to pursue what it is you want to pursue. It certainly takes some thought work and some devotion to yourself to get through to this side of it, but I know you can do it, and the reward you'll offer yourself is so much greater than living in a world in fear of failure. Thanks for listening this week. Make sure you're following stitch coaching on Instagram. And very soon my friends I will have my Guide to Meaningful Holidays live for free download for all of you. So make sure you follow Instagram so you can get the latest and greatest on how to have a meaningful holiday even without children. Lastly, never stop believing that you can discover your meaning.
You will never know love until you are a mother.
Any baby news?
Just relax and it will happen.
Don't you want kids?
When are you going to have a baby?
Oh, I am so sorry.
Do you have children?
You can always adopt.
These are just a few of the words, phrases, comments people say that are huge triggers to women who have gone through infertility treatments and never had a child. For a really long time, I would be furious when these words were spoken to me. I called people heartless, mean, insensitive for saying these words to me. They’d bring me to tears and anger me to the core. But then, I discovered coaching and was made aware of an alternative way of thinking. I’d like to introduce you to it in today’s podcast.
Okay, so brains are dramatic. I like to imagine my brain as various dramatic characters. Sometimes I'm in a lead role, sometimes in a supporting role. our brains are very dramatic – capital V, capital D. And that’s because of evolution. There’s only two settings that your brain really has. Primal (reactive) Adult (deliberate). I know for me, I functioned in the reactive state.
Everything is fine and dandy, I am making it though my day just fine and the BAM
-insert question from list above.
And now I am in a tail spin about how awful Sally Jo is. Not because 4 words came out of her mouth, it’s because we aren't managing our minds. And not because we don't want to. Not because we like feeling kicked in the stomach by someone’s words, it's because no one ever told us we had an option This was seriously the most mind blowing concepts that was offered to me. Some of you listening today may be skeptics. I get it. .
One of the reasons that it’s so fascinating to me when my clients are really committed to the idea of their story around their infertility more than if they come up with something you want to think on purpose, your brain is just a story-making machine. It’s constantly filtering out everything around you.
So managing your mind is like taking some ownership over it. And your primitive brain - the decision-making question it basically uses is, is this life or death? Anything that seems jarring, startling like it might relate to me dying, I’m going to pay attention to and I’m going to ignore everything else, which means that your primitive brain is a drama queen because everything is either fine or life and death. Those are the only two settings it has. But we seem to tap into the primitive part of our brain more than the adult part of our brain.
So our primal, drama queen brains, they’re still in that day and time where it was just like, things were life or death or not. And that’s why our brains are constantly telling us that everyone hates us, everything’s a threat, life is terrible, we’re going to die alone, right. It’s like, constant life or death.
So that is why your primitive brain interprets things so intensely. But what’s ironic is that we think that other people have the ability to cause our drama. It is so common to hear this term these days. I just can’t - There’s too much drama. She always causes drama. I don’t want to deal with the drama.
You know what drama is? An expression of art. It generally happens on a stage. It’s part of an art form. That’s what drama is. But we just take human interaction and we call it drama and our primitive brain loves this because it likes life or death things. So your primitive brain is like, yes, drama, life is so dramatic. I could die at any moment. Primitive brain loves this.
But the truth is that drama is only ever in your brain. No one else can cause drama for you. Did you know that?
You probably did not know that. well if you’re one of my clients, you know that.
Otherwise, you may think that other people can cause drama for you. Other people can be toxic. Other people can say the worst things. Other people can be draining. That’s what you think.
Many people think that they can only be in harmony if they surround themselves with kind, compassionate, butterfly loving, high-vibe people because they affect your vibe.” No. No. No.
Other people don’t affect your vibe. Other people don’t cause drama. Other people are not toxic. Other people are not draining. It is all in your brain. It does not matter what they say. It doesn’t matter what they do. It doesn’t matter if the other person tells you they are pregnant and invites you to their baby shower.
It doesn’t matter what they do; no one else can cause drama for you. Only you can cause drama for you because drama only exists in your own mind. What other people say and do are neutral circumstances and your thought about them is what causes your feeling. So no one else can cause drama for you because drama isn’t a real thing that exists.
Like sometimes in the beginning, I have my clients look at a feelings chart to learn how to identify their feelings; drama is not and option on there because drama is not an emotion and it’s not a real thing. Drama is just an interpretation. It’s an opinion. It’s a thought you have. Drama is a label that you apply to someone else’s words or actions. It’s not an objective thing.
So no matter what someone else does, it isn’t drama. There’s only drama if you decide to have the thought that it’s drama. When you think something or someone else is drama or dramatic, how do you feel? Well, you feel all riled up. You feel stressed out and overwhelmed and out of control. So who is really causing the drama?
Your brain is the only thing capable of causing drama for you. Other people’s words or actions are not drama. They don’t cause drama. The drama is your own negative thoughts that you don’t have the ability to manage yet. So what happens is you try to avoid the people you think set it off because you’re blaming them for your feelings. You decided to cut Sally Jo out of your life because she is an asshole for telling you to stay calm as you enter into your 4th IVF cycle. We think that she causes drama and the best thing to do is avoid them. And this is just like those people who are obsessed with high-vibe living. And I am not saying that you should never take someone vibe into consideration of with whom you want to spend your time, I am just saying that shit-talking them for questions or words they spoke is a great opportunity for you to lean in a bit closer and start to get curious about what that strikes up in you. What thoughts do you think when someone tells you “You can always adopt” or asks “any kids yet?” You should think about this.
Other people don’t cause our vibes. Other people don’t cause our drama. So when you try to avoid drama by avoiding those people who cause it, what you are doing is abdicating emotional responsibility for yourself, and the same is true when you try to not be around people who don’t have high vibes.
You are just acting like a toddler who’s like, well if I turn around, it’s not there and I don’t see it then I don’t have a problem, right. It’s like shoving all your junk in a drawer or in a pile. You have a pile of stuff that needs to be addressed, but you just dont have the mental energy to complete now, so you will stuff it away until you either stumble upon it again or the deadline is up to turn it in and then you are rifling through shit asking youirself why you always do this. And that’s what you’re doing when you try to just avoid people who you think are drama or who don’t have high vibes or who are toxic or whatever adjective you choose.
You’re like, okay well I’ll just shove this person in a drawer and then I don’t have to deal with this. But other people don’t cause your feelings - your thoughts do. So this is one of the tactics that, fine, it works as long as you can control it, so maybe you don’t need to hang out with that woman from your book club who causes drama, but soon enough, there’s going to be someone in your life who you can’t avoid.
My clients ask me this all the time. They’re like, it’s easier if I just avoid this person or quit this job or whatever, if I change my circumstance, I don’t have to manage my mind. The sad truth is - your thoughts are going with you. There will likely be someone who will ask you When you are going to have a baby at your next job. Are you going to quit that one too
But even if you could, even if it was easier to just change the circumstance, it’s only easier as long as the world cooperates and soon enough, you’re going to hit a scenario where you can’t change the circumstance and then you’re going to be sorry that you don’t know how to manage your mind. So you can avoid the drama book club woman if you want, but eventually, there’s going to be someone in your life who you can’t avoid.
You’re going to have a colleague who you think causes drama or you’re going to have a mother-in-law who you think causes drama. And if you believe that they can cause drama, then you are always going to feel stressed and out of control around them and emotionally exhausted from interacting with them.
So when you cut people out of your life or you avoid them because of your own thought in your brain that they cause drama – which they do not, that’s a total lie, your brain causes it – when you cut them out of your life so you don’t have to manage your mind, number one – you’re just going to feel drama about something else because it’s your thoughts that cause it. But number two – you’re never going to learn how to deal with it. So it’s like a shortcut that ends in a volcano and you die. It doesn’t actually help you. It doesn’t serve you.
So I recommend the opposite; don’t avoid people who cause drama. I think you should spend time with them. The people you think cause drama are your greatest spiritual teachers because they trigger all of your negative thoughts and because you’ve completely abandoned your emotional responsibility for yourself around them.
So by spending time with them, you will get access to the thoughts that are causing the negative feelings that you are labeling drama and blaming on them. And that’s true for anyone you think is toxic also. Like if there’s any word that’s used more than drama these days, it’s toxic. It’s such a common term in the self-help-light world, I think, and so misleading, right.
There is no such thing as a toxic person because toxic implies that a person can poison you, that they can cause your negative emotions and be bad for you emotionally, but that’s not true.
Your thoughts cause your feelings. Other people don’t cause your feelings, even the ones you don’t like, even the ones who you think cause drama, even if all your friends agree that they’re toxic. A toxic person is just someone you aren’t managing your mind around; that’s it. What causes stress is your thoughts about you when you interpre t the words they say to you.
When I tell someone I went through 7 IUIs and 4 IVF cycles and didnt have a baby and they lean in and softly say “ I am so sorry”. That used to bother me so much. Them showing pity made me think - they must think I am shattered and that made me feel weak. And then the drama would ensue in my head. I am weak, people feel sorry for me. I am a downer to be around, blah blah
So I now think of this person as someone who causes drama, but it isn't true. It is just someone that you are not managing your thoughts around. If my clients tell me that someone they know is toxic, I know what that means is they have surrendered their emotional responsibility for their interactions with that person.
Or the person that says, you can always adopt…. How dare she suggest that. Does she think I didn't try hard enough to be a mom? That the thousand I spent and headache I suffered aren't worth anything because adoption wasn't for us?
It feels empowering because you’re like, I have identified the problem. I’m not the problem; it’s you. You’re toxic. But it’s not empowering because you’re putting yourself totally at that person’s mercy and you’re telling yourself you can’t control your own experience.
You’re telling yourself that someone else is being whoever they are, just saying and doing whatever they do, like literally just them making sounds with their mouth are dangerous to you. .
So if you call someone toxic or insensitive, you’re telling your primal brain it’s a life or death threat. And then of course, your brain becomes obsessed with it and fixates on that person. And the fixation causes a lot of rumination and negative thoughts and those produce anxiety, fear, or dread. So guess who is the toxic one here.
Yep, it’s you.
Your brain, your thoughts, you are the one who is toxic to yourself. You are the one who is creating drama. No one else creates drama for you. No one else is toxic. And, by the way, that is also true of places and environments. Your work place is not toxic, a baby shower is not toxic.
You just aren’t managing your mind about other people being less than the ideal perfect people you’d prefer. Okay, and now some of you are really bristling as you listen. I get it. Before I learned more about thought management, I would have too.
But why would you want to believe that somebody else can control your brain more than you can? It may make sense to us because when we’re not managing our mind, we’re like, yeah, well someone else must be controlling it because I sure as hell don't have control over what’s going on up there. I can’t manage this thing at all. Someone else must be doing it.
But it’s just because you’re not making the effort to do it yourself. When you take emotional responsibility for yourself and your thoughts, you don’t have to fear any kind of pregnancy announcement or toxic baby shower or friend or great aunt or anyone else because you know that you’re in charge of how you think and feel, no matter what.
It’s so interesting because even just the phrases, causes drama or insensitive person, are going to stress you out. When you think, she causes drama, you feel the negative emotions you associate because of drama. But people are pregnant and have baby showers. It isn’t toxic. It’s your thought that it is toxic that causes so much suffering.
So it’s very all or nothing, black and white thinking, both emotionally and in the way it shows up and the results in your life. So that’s what happens when we call someone dramatic or insensative; it doesn’t motivate any action unless it’s to just completely cut them out if we can, but then if we can’t, which is often, we don’t have any recourse. We don’t have anything we can do.
We just tell ourselves we’ve got no power and we feel helpless and we don’t take action. So I want you to pay attention this week and notice how often you are telling yourself that someone is insensitive or causes drama or someone or something is toxic or draining or has bad vibes. Like, notice how it feels to label it that way.
Other people exist. Your workplace exists. Your book club exists. Your in-laws exist. But you get to choose what label to put on that container. Like honestly, imagine them each in a glass container and you get to decide which label to put on it. Do you want to label it insensitive? Do you want to label it drama? Toxic?How does that serve you?
If you want to create less emotional drama, stop telling yourself that other people cause it for you. You’re the only one causing your own drama. They’re just other people who have said words or sent you an invite to a shower. It’s your thoughts that are poisoning you. And ironically, if you stop labeling them insensitive, you will actually feel more empowered.
So, that’s what I want you to pay attention to this week.
I mentioned in last week's podcast that I recently graduated from The Life Coach School with my Coach Certification. I am excited to celebrate it with all of you that have been cheering me on. It was a huge time commitment, a huge step for me to take and a huge investment that I took in myself.
Since enrolling in The Life Coach School, I've had so many people have asked me ;What is a life coach? To be quite honest with you up until I started working with one for myself, I didn't have a clear understanding either.
On today's podcast, I will give you my insight on what I believe life coaching is. Depending on who you talk to, who your coach is, where they've gotten their certification, or if they've even gotten certified, they might have a different opinion of it.
Additionally, this is what I interpret as life coaching. I'm sharing it with you because learning to manage my mind though skills taught to me though life coaching changed my life. There are many people who hear the words life coach, and maybe don't have an awareness of what they can gain from working with a life coach. Previous to working with a Life Coach, I thought it meant hiring someone to tell you what to do. If you had a major goal in your life or looking to achieve some sort of career milestone to work towards you would hire this person to spell out what steps to take and how to achieve it. I can tell you that is 100% not what life coaching is - at least the type of life coach I am, or the foundation for the certification that I received.
As I begin, if I were to explain Life coaching in terms of sports; a team Doctor will lead with a diagnosis and treat you if you break your leg in a game. A coach is on the sidelines, giving tactical strategy to win the game. Let me be clear as we begin, that by no means is a life coach, a replacement for a therapist, a psychiatrist for a psychologist. There is 100% A line that must be understood is that it is not the job of a life coach to diagnose or to lead clients that are better suited for a professional who is degreed. We are trained to never overstep those boundaries.
A life coach offers their client a mirror into their thoughts. They offer their clients an opportunity to question their thoughts and feelings and see the results that they are creating.
The type of coaching that I'm trained to do is called causal coaching. Simply said, we help our clients understand and identify the cause and effect of our thinking and what it creates in your life. To offer an outside perspective to patterns in one's life. So if a client comes to me and says, I'm continuously feeling disappointed in this setting or, I want to go after a job and I noticed that I just never do it. I tell myself I can't. Or want to explore a new career and there's something in me that just doesn't have the confidence. Or possibly strengthen a relationship you have with someone, but you just don't know what is holding you back.
A life coach can work with you to help you understand yourself; ask you questions and offer you tools to carve a path to the results that you're wanting to create in your
life. What I want for my clients should not be relevant. I dont believe in judging my clients or swaying them to do something I would do in my life because it’s not my life, it’s theirs. They know what results they want and what is important to them and I would never want to sway them from being authentic to who they are and what they want to accomplish in their lives.
The type of life coach that I strive to be teaches my clients that your past no longer exists anywhere, but in your mind. You don't need to have your past dictate your future. So you “failing fertility treatments” (which btw I so dislike the work “failing” being used to describe a cycle, but that is for another episode). You failing a cycle doesn't have to define who you are as a person. If your body wasn't able to reproduce, that doesn't mean you are a broken individual. It just means you didn't respond to fertility treatments in a way that resulted in having a child. What you make that mean about yourself now is up to you, and it is never too late to choose a new thought about yourself. There’s not a day that goes by that I am glad I couldn’t have children or that IVF didn't work for me. We will always wonder what kind of parents we would be and what amazingness a human we created would accomplish, but as unfair as that may seem, that wasn't intended for us. So when I do my own work with my coach, I practice the thoughts I do have about myself as a woman without children.
A Life Coach can help us understand and make sense of what we are creating in our lives and help build some awareness of it. Help us create the lives that we want to create, but maybe they just haven't really asked ourselves the questions that will allow us to understand what's really going on in our mind.
I believe that life coaching helps you look at your mind. It helps you explore options.
Look at our patterns and teaches us to maintain a sense of empowerment and meaning in our lives.
Oftentimes we go through our lives reacting to what happens to us. Who can relate to me on that? We tell ourselves that as much as we want something to be different, it just won't be because that's just how it was. Life has it out for me, I’m cursed. I have bad luck.
That was me before I learned to manage my mind. I told myself that I wasn't going to be a mom. I tried fertility treatments, I followed protocols and timed schedules and I did exactly what my doctors told me to do, but it didn't work for me. And because of that, I was just going to be. Ho‑hum and just going through life and just taking it at the chin. Not being the trailblazer I yearned to be or discovering the meaningful life that I wanted to live.
I want to serve my clients and serve my students and allow them to learn how to be independent.. I don't want someone to be reliant on me as their life coach to get through the rest of their life. I want to do, is teach them skills that they can then continue to apply into different parts of their life and create big action for themselves.
They know how to manage their mind. They know how to understand that their thoughts create their feelings and their feelings, then fuel actions that give them the results that they want to have in their life.
If you reference back to episode 2, where we spoke of building awareness, When we notice our thoughts and Beliefs, we are able to see how they create our feelings. And when you become aware of your thinking, It becomes easier to see that the way you feel is directly related to your thoughts or beliefs you possess.
When you decide that you're going to look inside your brain, and decide that you're going to thought-lead or create thoughts, your life becomes better because you're doing just that, you are leading it and choosing your thoughts. Remember - It is your version of “better”, not someone else's.
Me not being able to have a child means nothing, until I have a thought about it. I could either think my life is never going to be abundant and never be meaningful, or I can
think: This is my opportunity to find my meaning in my life; to decide if I'm not going to be a mom, what is it that I want to be? What mark do I want to leave behind?
You're the creator of your life. And you don't have to ask anyone for permission to create it.
When you go all in and do the work with a life coach, you'll be amazed at how you're able to get unstuck and start changing your life in ways that'll blow your mind.
And I only tell you this because I am able to do it. I am no anomaly. What I share with you every week is solely my opinion based on what I have done and what I've experienced through life coaching and mind management.
I was able to start to understand my brain and understand why I was doing what I was doing without having to beat myself up in order to motivate myself to make any kind of change. Starting with becoming aware of things and not having judgment for myself because of them.
I discovered my true potential and I began to notice amazing results in my life. I know that is available to you, too
When you work with a life coach, You'll be amazed at the clarity, the insight and the help you can get from working through your problems on a coaching call.
Whether you're being coached directly during a 1 on 1 session or listening to others being coached on a group call, it will help you experience life‑changing breakthroughs.
There's not one specific definition of a life coach, I'm just telling you my definition of the type of life coach that I expect myself to be.
I am extremely proud to be a graduate of The Life Coach School. Brooke Castillo and the Master instructor that led me through my certification are absolutely magnificent. The training was rigorous with a high level of expectation of me as a student, the understanding and skill I had to demonstrate had to meet specific high standards was no easy task. There were tests I had to pass, and hours of coaching I had to submit to become evaluated in order to achieve my certification as a life coach. Most importantly, I'm a believer in the training I got, because I see how it changed who I am today. I was the greatest recipient of my coach training. I have the skill to realize that there’s nothing that will stop me from achieving a meaningful life, but my thoughts.
Not having a child is solely a circumstance in your life; until you attach a thought to it. Of all thoughts available to you, what thought do you want to have about it?
It’s yours to choose.
I hope this offered you some insight and understanding that if you're interested in working with a life
Coach, roll up your sleeves and be ready to do the work and don't expect them to tell you what to do.
They will be your mirror and offer you an opportunity to look at your own thinking. Look at the results that you want to create in your life and help you achieve them.
Speaking of working with a Life Coach, I am going to be working on a topic with my clients
around handling the holidays. I know for me, historically the holidays were always a very tough time because I didn't have children.
Next month with my private clients we are starting a 4 week program addressing The Holidays. We will be working on creating Meaningful holidays and learning how to enjoy the
Season and celebrations, even if we don't have children.
So be on the lookout for that. And as Always, I'd love to hear any feedback you have.
Please check me out on instagram at Stitch Coaching. @stitchcoaching
And remember, never stop believing YOU have the ability to discover your meaning.
I mentioned in last week's podcast that I recently graduated from The Life Coach School with my Coach Certification. I am excited to celebrate it with all of you that have been cheering me on. It was a huge time commitment, a huge step for me to take and a huge investment that I took in myself.
Since enrolling in The Life Coach School, I've had so many people have asked me ;What is a life coach? To be quite honest with you up until I started working with one for myself, I didn't have a clear understanding either.
On today's podcast, I will give you my insight on what I believe life coaching is. Depending on who you talk to, who your coach is, where they've gotten their certification, or if they've even gotten certified, they might have a different opinion of it.
Additionally, this is what I interpret as life coaching. I'm sharing it with you because learning to manage my mind though skills taught to me though life coaching changed my life. There are many people who hear the words life coach, and maybe don't have an awareness of what they can gain from working with a life coach. Previous to working with a Life Coach, I thought it meant hiring someone to tell you what to do. If you had a major goal in your life or looking to achieve some sort of career milestone to work towards you would hire this person to spell out what steps to take and how to achieve it. I can tell you that is 100% not what life coaching is - at least the type of life coach I am, or the foundation for the certification that I received.
As I begin, if I were to explain Life coaching in terms of sports; a team Doctor will lead with a diagnosis and treat you if you break your leg in a game. A coach is on the sidelines, giving tactical strategy to win the game. Let me be clear as we begin, that by no means is a life coach, a replacement for a therapist, a psychiatrist for a psychologist. There is 100% A line that must be understood is that it is not the job of a life coach to diagnose or to lead clients that are better suited for a professional who is degreed. We are trained to never overstep those boundaries.
A life coach offers their client a mirror into their thoughts. They offer their clients an opportunity to question their thoughts and feelings and see the results that they are creating.
The type of coaching that I'm trained to do is called causal coaching. Simply said, we help our clients understand and identify the cause and effect of our thinking and what it creates in your life. To offer an outside perspective to patterns in one's life. So if a client comes to me and says, I'm continuously feeling disappointed in this setting or, I want to go after a job and I noticed that I just never do it. I tell myself I can't. Or want to explore a new career and there's something in me that just doesn't have the confidence. Or possibly strengthen a relationship you have with someone, but you just don't know what is holding you back.
A life coach can work with you to help you understand yourself; ask you questions and offer you tools to carve a path to the results that you're wanting to create in your
life. What I want for my clients should not be relevant. I dont believe in judging my clients or swaying them to do something I would do in my life because it’s not my life, it’s theirs. They know what results they want and what is important to them and I would never want to sway them from being authentic to who they are and what they want to accomplish in their lives.
The type of life coach that I strive to be teaches my clients that your past no longer exists anywhere, but in your mind. You don't need to have your past dictate your future. So you “failing fertility treatments” (which btw I so dislike the work “failing” being used to describe a cycle, but that is for another episode). You failing a cycle doesn't have to define who you are as a person. If your body wasn't able to reproduce, that doesn't mean you are a broken individual. It just means you didn't respond to fertility treatments in a way that resulted in having a child. What you make that mean about yourself now is up to you, and it is never too late to choose a new thought about yourself. There’s not a day that goes by that I am glad I couldn’t have children or that IVF didn't work for me. We will always wonder what kind of parents we would be and what amazingness a human we created would accomplish, but as unfair as that may seem, that wasn't intended for us. So when I do my own work with my coach, I practice the thoughts I do have about myself as a woman without children.
A Life Coach can help us understand and make sense of what we are creating in our lives and help build some awareness of it. Help us create the lives that we want to create, but maybe they just haven't really asked ourselves the questions that will allow us to understand what's really going on in our mind.
I believe that life coaching helps you look at your mind. It helps you explore options.
Look at our patterns and teaches us to maintain a sense of empowerment and meaning in our lives.
Oftentimes we go through our lives reacting to what happens to us. Who can relate to me on that? We tell ourselves that as much as we want something to be different, it just won't be because that's just how it was. Life has it out for me, I’m cursed. I have bad luck.
That was me before I learned to manage my mind. I told myself that I wasn't going to be a mom. I tried fertility treatments, I followed protocols and timed schedules and I did exactly what my doctors told me to do, but it didn't work for me. And because of that, I was just going to be. Ho‑hum and just going through life and just taking it at the chin. Not being the trailblazer I yearned to be or discovering the meaningful life that I wanted to live.
I want to serve my clients and serve my students and allow them to learn how to be independent.. I don't want someone to be reliant on me as their life coach to get through the rest of their life. I want to do, is teach them skills that they can then continue to apply into different parts of their life and create big action for themselves.
They know how to manage their mind. They know how to understand that their thoughts create their feelings and their feelings, then fuel actions that give them the results that they want to have in their life.
If you reference back to episode 2, where we spoke of building awareness, When we notice our thoughts and Beliefs, we are able to see how they create our feelings. And when you become aware of your thinking, It becomes easier to see that the way you feel is directly related to your thoughts or beliefs you possess.
When you decide that you're going to look inside your brain, and decide that you're going to thought-lead or create thoughts, your life becomes better because you're doing just that, you are leading it and choosing your thoughts. Remember - It is your version of “better”, not someone else's.
Me not being able to have a child means nothing, until I have a thought about it. I could either think my life is never going to be abundant and never be meaningful, or I can
think: This is my opportunity to find my meaning in my life; to decide if I'm not going to be a mom, what is it that I want to be? What mark do I want to leave behind?
You're the creator of your life. And you don't have to ask anyone for permission to create it.
When you go all in and do the work with a life coach, you'll be amazed at how you're able to get unstuck and start changing your life in ways that'll blow your mind.
And I only tell you this because I am able to do it. I am no anomaly. What I share with you every week is solely my opinion based on what I have done and what I've experienced through life coaching and mind management.
I was able to start to understand my brain and understand why I was doing what I was doing without having to beat myself up in order to motivate myself to make any kind of change. Starting with becoming aware of things and not having judgment for myself because of them.
I discovered my true potential and I began to notice amazing results in my life. I know that is available to you, too
When you work with a life coach, You'll be amazed at the clarity, the insight and the help you can get from working through your problems on a coaching call.
Whether you're being coached directly during a 1 on 1 session or listening to others being coached on a group call, it will help you experience life‑changing breakthroughs.
There's not one specific definition of a life coach, I'm just telling you my definition of the type of life coach that I expect myself to be.
I am extremely proud to be a graduate of The Life Coach School. Brooke Castillo and the Master instructor that led me through my certification are absolutely magnificent. The training was rigorous with a high level of expectation of me as a student, the understanding and skill I had to demonstrate had to meet specific high standards was no easy task. There were tests I had to pass, and hours of coaching I had to submit to become evaluated in order to achieve my certification as a life coach. Most importantly, I'm a believer in the training I got, because I see how it changed who I am today. I was the greatest recipient of my coach training. I have the skill to realize that there’s nothing that will stop me from achieving a meaningful life, but my thoughts.
Not having a child is solely a circumstance in your life; until you attach a thought to it. Of all thoughts available to you, what thought do you want to have about it?
It’s yours to choose.
I hope this offered you some insight and understanding that if you're interested in working with a life
Coach, roll up your sleeves and be ready to do the work and don't expect them to tell you what to do.
They will be your mirror and offer you an opportunity to look at your own thinking. Look at the results that you want to create in your life and help you achieve them.
Speaking of working with a Life Coach, I am going to be working on a topic with my clients
around handling the holidays. I know for me, historically the holidays were always a very tough time because I didn't have children.
Next month with my private clients we are starting a 4 week program addressing The Holidays. We will be working on creating Meaningful holidays and learning how to enjoy the
Season and celebrations, even if we don't have children.
So be on the lookout for that. And as Always, I'd love to hear any feedback you have.
Please check me out on instagram at Stitch Coaching. @stitchcoaching
And remember, never stop believing YOU have the ability to discover your meaning.
Episode 6
Overview:
When was the last time you thought about relationships you have in your life? Relationships with others can be active or just memories in our minds. I recall the woman that comforted me when our Reproductive Endocrinologist called to say our embryo had trisomy 16, a chromosomal abnormality, after administering genetic testing. We women without children worry we will grow alone because we don't have children to care for us, but we often forget to evaluate relationships, big or small, we have with others.
Transcript
I had my photoshoot today for my Stitch Coaching Website. A big step toward creating
a community for we women with infertility, we women without children. I realized when putting this together how fortunate I have to already have the community around me that I do. The people that helped me with the photoshoot aren't people I see or talk to daily, but I have relationships with them in my mind and my heart. We have so many relationships that we often don't take time to recognize. These people showed up for me because I am a person worth loving. I add to the lives of others because I am meaningful to them. I spoke in Episode 2 about how we spend so much time feeling alienated and fear that we will grow old in a nursing home because we don’t have children to take care of us. When we don’t recognize the opportunity to see the people we have in our tribes. The people that watched us fight from the sidelines.
What relationships do you have in your life?
When's the last time you recognized who those people are?
A meaningful relationship with someone doesn't always look like daily calls and texts. I have come to realize that my life is made more meaningful by including people that you may not see on talk to on the daily. Finding love in your heart for someone you have learned something from or shared an experience with.
The day I got the call from our Reproductive Endocrinologist in Colorado, I was in Minnetonka, Minnesota at a work event. The results were in from the genetic testing of my frozen embryo and they weren't in our favor. The embryo had Trisomy 16, a chromosomal abnormality and would never lead to a viable pregnancy. I listened to the voicemail with the results and was heartbroken. I was alone and sobbing, sitting at a table in the most remote part of the building. The woman whose name I'll never know, touched my hand and said "HE will take care of you". That’s a relationship in my life I will cherish forever.
I have so many stories I could share of people that have touched my life so profoundly that my heart warms and eyes fill with tears with love for someone whose name I couldn't even tell you.
Those are the relationships in our lives that we have available to us and we don't r for. It's so easy to grow older and tell yourself you are alone, that you have no one to take care of you in your upcoming years. That’s not what it's all about. YOU are part of someone's memory bank. Fill your heart with fullness every day by noticing the connections we can have big or small.
It doesn't have to be a feeling of isolation because you and one of your favorite college girlfriends don't share in motherhood. There's more to your friendship than motherhood
So my point is, decide that you can redefine what relationships look like to you. Your expectations can change. You can redefine how you want to think about the meaning these people have in your life.
What has this person come into your life to offer you?
When we get out of our own way and really see the thoughts we have about our relationships with others, you will offer yourself the opportunity to live so abundantly. Even with the people that you have felt wronged or hurt you in the past.
You have an opportunity to have them in your life and think differently about them. Maybe they are not a person you would never call or talk to again. But decide to ask why you are feeling wronged by them? Could you write it out on paper and notice what you are thinking of feeling about that person? Start to ask yourself why that is bothering you. What comes up for you? Is it possible to see that as an opportunity to gain something for yourself? What is it you could get more curious about?
Remember- Episode 3, when you identified the thoughts that come up for you? That's your work. It's that junky stuff you feel because of what people have or haven't done; or comments that have bothered you. So take the opportunity to revisit the relationships in your life. Learn that some are worth noting (all if you really want to get granular) but for now just decide that you have some amazing relationships with the awesome people. Believe you are worthy of being meaningful in someone else's life. You will see the shift in your thoughts. It is liberating to let go of harboring thoughts.
We have done so much meaningful work, starting with Episode 2- you became more aware of the beliefs you have accumulated about yourself. You now know that you have the ability to notice them and not judge yourself for having them. When you did the work in Episode 3 to question the validity of those beliefs and how they are serving you in your life today, you began to tap into the skills we have as humans and the opportunity to believe on purpose, which is the foundation to creating a life of your chosen meaning. What you deliberately choose to believe about yourself now, will lead you to your future. When I decided that I no longer wanted to believe my life had no purpose or meaning because I wasn't a mother, there was no sage- burning ritual on Kumbaya with a room full of people, I just simply became aware that my shitty thoughts were, well.... shitty. And once. I decided I was done Inviting them in on my journey of life, things began to change. The flood gates opened to a revived feeling of hope and excitement for what is possible for me even if I am not a mom.
The growth I see in myself is simply from deciding I don't like a belief I have. I don't replace them with beautiful beliefs that have birds chirping and waves crashing and angels singing; that's not realistic. But when I do the work of noticing when an uncomfortable belief is not worth keeping or why it is outdated, that is where my work lies. There's a lot of junk in your mind and not prioritizing the questioning of the uncomfortable beliefs in your life, the change will be temporary. We are always looking for the quick fix" just like in diets. 30 day plan, Whole 30, eliminate this, sub that, when it's a quick fix and not a lifestyle change, the weight always comes back. But when you create practices for yourself, be it paper thinking daily awareness, you will see that noticing becomes part of the fabric of who you are. You will notice things don't sit right with you and you start asking yourself why. If you are following along with this podcast and doing the work along with us, I bring this to your attention because it is necessary to give yourself some time to fully embrace the ' 'why" behind the beliefs you want to change in your life. It may take a few days, weeks or even months to be ready to fully embrace a new belief, but if you are aware and deliberate I promise new beliefs will come to you. You will start to see how your thoughts about you start to shift. I went from hating my body , for not doing what it was "supposed to" (getting pregnant) to loving it for taking me through another day. I believe it now, with every ounce of me.
I've stopped leading with the belief that I was broken because I didn't have a baby or I didn't respond to fertility medications, even though I was receiving care at a Fertility clinic that has live birth rates in the 62% range (according to the START data I was able to find) Now I believe that I was such a strong and resilient woman to have shown up to a medicated fertility cycle committed to trying another cycle even though the cycle prior wasn't a success. . You will get to a point when you are tapped into the beliefs about yourself, your life, your story.
Now is your time to daydream and imagine if you could choose to do or be anything in your life, what would it be?
What would you most want your self concept, self story and identity to be? There is nothing too much for you to believe. The beliefs you have are yours. You decide who you can be.
I chose a title for my new story! I created new chapters. I went from a past story hat was titled "Hopeless and Broken" to my new story that is titled:
An Example of what's possible- Life After Infertility.
I went through the impossibilities in my life and decided that I would find a way to create a life with abundance and meaning even if I am not a mother. I would teach my students how they can do it too. I would be the one to do the work first and become the example to others by living a life of chosen beliefs, chosen feelings and taking actions that will propel me toward the results 'I want to create. in my life and the mark I want to make in this world.
I couldn't do it, though, if I didn't take the time to question my beliefs and rewrite my past. I refused to think unkind and mean things about myself, and if I do, I made a promise that I would ask myself → why are you choosing to believe that? Why am I thinking that? How is that serving you?
The transition just starts to happen, you weed the shitties out. These new beliefs start to create your chosen results.
I was telling my husband over dinner last night that I have a hard time believing how easy it is to change the result you get by simply choosing new thoughts to think, and new beliefs about yourself. You will become astonished that you have the power to believe on purpose. Our mind is truly the most powerful tool we have. Decide now that you will use it to your advantage. Use your mind to believe your way forward. You can't change the past or the fact that you aren't a mom. Those are circumstances beyond your control. Decide today that your past doesn't have to use the author of your future
So we are getting to the fun part! Over the next week, write the story you want to write about you. Choose your new title. Write of a new journey of being a hero who overcame life after fertility treatments. This is about the you, you want to be. There are absolutely no limits to who you want to be. The opinions of others or what they think of you don't have to be considered in this story. You don't even have to consider your past or your abilities now this new story is solely based on desired true possibility. Take your time with this and include as Many details as you can. The process is going to be so much fun; enjoy it! If you write your story all at once, revisit it every day-read it and keep adding more details and desires for yourself. What you write down is no ones business but your own. This is your opportunity to dream bigger than you ever thought possible. If you catch yourself saying-
that's stupid, I could never... write that stuff down for sure. That's the gold! No second guesses on something that seems too far out of reach.
Here are a few questions to consider to get you started:What do you want to achieve? Who do you want to be? How do you want to define yourself? What do you want to create? What do you want your story to be?
I can't wait to hear what you come up with!
It’s so beautiful to be together again as we navigate the questions in our minds that have us asking “So Now What?” In Episode 2 we went on the journey of beginning to build Awareness around the beliefs we have about ourselves.
We asked ourselves 2 important questions to better understand what it is we are choosing to believe in this present moment:
What do you believe about yourself?
What do you believe about your future?
In Episode 3 we started to learn how to question our current beliefs. We took some outdated beliefs that no longer serve us and one at a time, deliberately beginning to ask some pointed questions of ourselves:
Is this belief really true?
Is this true anymore? How does this make me feel? Is this a feeling I want to have anymore?
As we touched on creating our beliefs that will carry us into a deliberate future we might ask What would you like to believe
What do you want to believe?
What do you know is true about you?
Before we can write the story of our future, we must learn to Rewrite the story of our past.
How do I let go of beliefs about my past?
We, as humans, are designed to follow a process. It makes sense in so many aspects of our lives. If you have learned a way to effectively and efficiently create a task in your day or in your life, have at it!
I am all for efficiency and processes. I love learning about and creating strategies. based on the teachings of others. It's how we, as humans, have evolved.
When it comes to your future and the meaning you are choosing to create with your life, do you want to follow in suit with what others believe about living a life without children, or be the creator of a meaningful future for you?
Wait-are you hearing me say you actually have an option to believe differently about what you’ve gone through in that past to create a chosen future for yourself? Yep. You heard me correctly. When you do your paper thinking (also known as journaling) this week, I’d love to know what comes up for you when you tell your story about your fertility journey. With you as the main Character in the story, would the story be one of full of love and admiration for yourself, or one of victimhood and failure? Do you love how you portray YOURSELF in the story?
As painful as the process has been, and regardless of the number of rounds of IVF you endured, or the amount of blood draws and ultrasounds you went through, you can learn to .. love yourself despite it. The journey we took will never leave us. Its something I'll never choose to block out of my mind. I tried that, but then I realized that if I blocked that part of my journey out of my mind, I was missing out on the opportunity to recognize the strength I showed, the commitment I made to myself and my husband to try to meet our parenthood goals.
The resourcefulness I have to figure things out When all the local pharmacies are out of a medication that I need for a trigger shot a 3:45 am the next day.
the physical strength I showed when my stomach was black and blue, looking like a pin cushion and stood there bravely while my husband injected another dose of Follistim and Menopur in my tummy.
Or my arms with constant yellowing bruises from my early AM blood draws at my fertility clinic to monitor my hormone levels.
YOU can be the victor in your story!
When I became aware of thought work and believing on purpose I decided that these personal attributes. were not worth blocking out any more
That if I wasn't going to be a mom, I sure as hell wasn't going to give those years of my life away for nothing.
I decided that the tens of thousands we spent trying to
become parents was going to offer me something of Meaning - even if it isn't motherhood.
So I am offering you an option to look back into your past and decide how you can re-write it.
Pay attention to the circumstances ' where she is the victim and decide if there is a different outcome for her besides pain and loss.
Is there something she endured or felt in her past that now offers her an opportunity to think differently, possibly more lovingly and in admiration of herself ?
When you learn to look back at your past and love how you showed up through your fertility treatments, you will see the resilient woman you are. The protocols, appointments, phone calls, schedule changes, heartbreaks and hormones you endured aren't for no Sissy.
Only a woman with drive and determination could juggle this daily and still show up for work and do that like a boss, too. And let's not forget: maintain a household, a relationship and all the hundreds of other things we do daily to keep things rolling in our lives.
If you are waiting for permission to look at yourself and believe you are a badass, here it is. I'm giving you that permission now. On a shiny silver platter.
Decide today that that Fertility Warrior that courageously went through fertility treatments, she can be grateful for what she went through, even if she didn’t meet her goal of becoming a mother.
If you don't love the woman that poured every ounce of her heart into it, you’d miss out on the gift of seeing that she created this opportunity to love who you are becoming.
I’ve decided to accept that everything was always meant to be like this for me. As unfair and hurtful as it may seem at times, I'd like to offer you the possibility to believe that we didn’t become mothers because the meaning we are destined to create with our lives is greater than motherhood.
Believe in your meaning.
In our last episode we talked about becoming aware of our beliefs. Your Beliefs create your future. When we challenge ourselves to identify our beliefs around our journey, we start to decide where these beliefs are taking us; if we want to continue our journey with this belief. We can create new beliefs that will write the story of our future so we can live the purposeful and meaningful life we are all destined to live.
Start with picking just one of your beliefs and begin there. One of the first beliefs that I chose to focus on was
I am, a failure be my body didn't do what it was supposed to. My body did not get pregnant. I did not have a viable embryo. I did not have a viable pregnancy.
Is this true? Is this true anymore? How does this belief make me feel? Is that a feeling I want to feel?
Often times we have to dig way back into an experience in our past to recall where that belief materialized. Sometimes it didn't even come from something we personally experienced. We listen to the beliefs and practices others follow and chose to engrain them into the core beliefs we have for ourselves.
Or it could be words others said about you. Maybe someone once told you something about yourself.
Just as easily as you accepted this into your life, you can show that bad boy the door.
I've also noticed that as crappy as the belief may be, we have such a hard time separating it for ourselves. We create a codependency with the beliefs we have of ourselves because I didn't know there was another option of something else to believe. How could I possibly not believe this? So many other people believe this, so there must be proof for this. It's justified.
If I didn't believe this anymore, what in the heck will I do? You know what you will do? You will get to work deciding what it is you want to believe about your life. What you believe you are capable of. What your future will look like.
Just because your life didn't turn out like you thought it would, planned for, prayed for, are you willing to let that define you forever?
Are you willing to deny yourself the chance to create new beliefs based on the future you want. We have so much more power and control than we give ourselves credit for.
The only difference between me and those that believe they are victims of infertility, that purpose and meaning without a child is impossible, is that I decided I wanted to believe something else about my future. I had no clue what, but I was open to learning.
You have the ability to fight for the beliefs you want now. Its easy to think I am a failure because my body didn't produce a child or because my doctors used the medical terminology of "unexplained infertility" or "failed cycle" to classify my treatments. Their words were no longer part of my belief system about me.
That word failed is describing a blip on the radar in this life of mine. So as you begin to write your story of your future, you 100% have The ability to decide what you need to believe in order to live it.
Please follow me @stitchcoaching.
Today I would like to discuss What you Believe About your Life after IVF. When I was told that my one frozen embryo wasn't viable for implantation and further fertility treatments weren't recommended, I was crushed.
In that instant, the life I believed I was destined to live had vanished.
I believed that these years of fertility treatments and the thousands of dollars were all for nothing
I believed I was a failure because my body had failed me during these treatments.
I believed I let my husband down because I couldn't give him a child
I believed I let my in-laws down because not having a child stripped them of being grandparents.
I believed I would grow old lonely and die alone in a nursing home.
I believed that people pitied and felt sorry for me because fertility treatments didn’t work for me
Probably most profound was my belief that I would never live a life of fulfilment and meaning because I didn't have a viable embryo or a viable pregnancy and therefore would never be a mother.
Come to learn, these beliefs are quite common among us in the fertility community. When you go through years trying to create something that isn’t possible, its normal to have heartache. To have disappointment and to be confused about what the rest of your life will look like.
What isn't common is the practice of questioning our beliefs. We take them for face value.
Often we are so convinced of who we think we are, we don’t realize that is completely changeable.
Yes, we can change who we are by what we think about who we are . We get to decide what we believe about ourselves and how to define ourselves and our lives.
You are only defined by what you believe about yourself. What people have said to you or the things you once believed are not The Gospel. And as long as I believed these beliefs I was unable to change the way I saw my future. I just kept myself on rinse and repeat. Day after day. Year after year.
Hearing about friends who were pregnant, invites to baby showers, babies being born, 1st birthday parties…all the stuff I thought I would be able to have.
What I'd like to offer to you in this podcast is the opportunity to begin to get curious so you can identify the beliefs you’ve accumulated about yourself because you aren't a parent.
The first, and probably most liberating, is the learning not to judge yourself for what you believe about yourself, and the thoughts and feelings they are creating.
If you can start by being curious and honest with yourself, you can begin to create the life you want to live.
Sit with yourself and start to ask some questions. We will just start with 2 today. Take out a piece of paper and write these down.
-
What do you believe about yourself?
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What do you believe about your future?
Take time to sit with yourself and really begin to think about what you believe about yourself.. It may be uncomfortable to hear what you come up with. That's OK. No one is listening except for you.
When it comes to the relationship with yourself, you must first start to pay attention to what you BELIEVE about yourself. It's completely changed my story and my life.
You are no different. There is absolutely no reason why you can't change how you see yourself so you can be and do exactly what you want.
I know it sounds simplistic but the most important part of this process was realizing that I was even thinking these things. They were hiding just below my awareness. I never knew to question them because I wasn’t aware they were there. Once I became aware , it was enlightening and actually much easier to change my beliefs.
What if I told you that your beliefs can be anything you decide.
I went through the beliefs I was clenching onto and decided I was going to be the one to evaluate each one of them.
Now I look at my life through a different lens.
I am still not a mother, but I am an example of what is possible!
Welcome to my first Podcast for women without children. Whether you have tried IUI, IVF or are living in question of your future without children, welcome! We are here to address your "now what" questions and decide to build a future that goes from unexplained to intentional. Disappointing to deliberate. Heartbreaking to unstoppable.
Join me on the journey to create a community that will encourage others to discover their life of meaning and abundance after fertility treatments.